Friday jokes

[anebv8]

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies: "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of my church for the last forty-three years."
St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

[YellowDog]

What do you call a visionary hen that can't stop staring at a letuce?

[Laava]

What do you call a visionary hen that can't stop staring at a letuce?

Go on then...

[YellowDog]

Go on then...

What do you call a visionary hen that can't stop staring at a letuce?

A Chicken Caesar Salad

[roogazza]

[anebv8]

A couple was having sex in bedroom when suddenly their 12 year old son walked in.
Parents thought that he's probably too young to know about these nasty things and decided to hide it from him by switching the topic.

So, they tell him that they were doing some research work related to medical science and they want him to stand in the balcony and keep telling them what's going on outside. Son followed their parent's command.

10 minutes later, he started to describe the things he was seeing.

Son: John is buying fruits, Tina is playing, Steve is standing under a tree and your neighborhood friend Michael is banging the shit out of his wife..

Dad (surprised): What? Why would you say that? Is he doing it openly?

Son: No, I haven't seen him but his son is also standing in the balcony.

[anebv8]

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?"
The bartender replies "$1".
The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for dessert?"
The Bartender replies "$5".
The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".
The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".
The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"

The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

[anebv8]

One day this guy comes to work at a sex toy shop. His boss leaves for the day and puts him in charge of the shop.

About an hour later a black haired lady comes in and asks "How much for your black dildos?"

The guy says "30 bucks"

"And how much for your white dildos?" asks the lady.

Again the man says "30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white"

So she takes the black one and leaves.

A while later a brunette comes in to the store and asks

"How much for your white dildos?"

The man responds "30 bucks"

She asks "And how much for your black dildos?"

"30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black" replies the man.

So she takes the white one leaves.

About an hour later a blonde walks through the door and asks

"How much are your dildos?"

The guys says "All our dildos are 30 bucks"

Then she looks up behind the man on a shelf and ask "How much for that green one?"

The man responds "Oh, that one is special. That will cost you $250"

The blonde agrees and takes it. Later that day the boss come back and asks "So what did you sell today?"

The man says "I sold a black dildo, a white dildo , and a 2-liter of mountain dew for $250!"

[anebv8]

A husband says to his wife, "right you sexy thing, upstairs now" She looked at him and said "oh you kinky bugger". He replied, "no seriously the rugbys starting - piss off"

[anebv8]

A woman walks into a BMW dealership. She walks around, looking for the perfect car. After some time, she finally spots it. It’s a beautiful, all-black BMW 5 series, and it has all the features she wants. It comes complete with a GPS navigation system, Bluetooth entertainment, and a sports package. Moreover, the leather upholstery is stunning. The woman bends over to feel the leather, and suddenly, a loud fart escapes her.
Incredibly embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has saw or heard her little accident. She prays a sales representative doesn’t show up in the next few seconds. It would be really awkward..
As she turns back, a salesman suddenly appears. Kindly, he says, “Good day, Madame. How may I help you today?”
Very uncomfortably she asks, “Hello Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?”
He replies, “Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price.”

[YellowDog]

Seems fair to me

[awa355]

This may well have been posted before, can't be arf-arsed searching.

[Banditbandit]

In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied,

"How very sporting of your mother!"

[anebv8]

WARNING TO DRIVERS
I just filled the car up with petrol didn't notice i'd spilled some on my sleeve, going down the motorway lit a ciggi and sleeve burst into flames, opened the window and stuck my arm out to try and blow out the flames and the bloody coppers stopped me and are now doing me for having a fire arm without a licence

[roogazza]