Young death - Donations

[Rodney007]

hey anika, was really good to see you and alex both have very loving families

[alexm]

thanks to everyone for offering all ur support and help, its good to know you guys are there. but i dont really need any help..unless someone can take care of Connor all day!I love him but im not up to taking care of him alone all day which is what is going to happen next week and im really scared. i think the reason im not crying ALL day (though I am still everyday) is because im pretty sure I won't be going on..I needa be with alex and im sure thats how its going to end up cause i really dont wana do this anymore

[PrincessBandit]

thanks to everyone for offering all ur support and help, its good to know you guys are there. but i dont really need any help..unless someone can take care of Connor all day!I love him but im not up to taking care of him alone all day which is what is going to happen next week and im really scared. i think the reason im not crying ALL day (though I am still everyday) is because im pretty sure I won't be going on..I needa be with alex and im sure thats how its going to end up cause i really dont wana do this anymore

Imagine Alex is sitting next to you. Talk to him. What would he say if you asked him to read what you have written. Do you truly think he would encourage you to end things, or would he encourage you to be there for the wee baby both of you made? I didn't know Alex but find it hard to imagine he would rather have you with him than with his precious son.

You are doing so well, and better times will come. Hang in there.

[Hiflyer]

I've refrained from posting in this thread because of certain reasons, but if you really are serious about ending things, imagine looking down on your son alone, growing up without you, I know what it's like to grow up without parents for a while and even that short while nearly sent me sideways, I can't imagine my whole life without them. Parents are a kids rock, they need them and as much as if feels like you want to be with Alex you have to be with your son and support him.....

[Oakie]

im not up to taking care of him alone all day which is what is going to happen next week and im really scared. .... i really dont wana do this anymore

Do the week and see what happens. You may just surprise yourself. And it's OK to be scared. Scared people can still do some pretty amazing things.

It's also OK not be crying all day. It just means you're getting over the shock.

My Dad died suddenly when I was young. My Mum was devastated (with 4 kids to bring up) and she considered 'joining him'. I am so glad she tuffed it out. It WAS tough but it was so worth it in the end for her and her kids.

Good luck.

[alexm]

i know i agree with what your all saying..i know if we had talked about it alex would have most likely wanted me to stay and look after connor, as I would have wanted the same of him. but we hadnt talked about it and hes not here for me to ask is he? and i already feel bad enough about the fact i would be leaving my son, i love him the most in the world, second to alex. thats whats been holding me off. i know it would be hard on him growing up without his biological parents. but how is it fair that alex made a stupid choice when he was riding his bike and left us, but yet im judged if im going to make a stupid choice and leave also?i know they are not two of exactly the same things, i know he didnt set out to leave us but he put himself in danger by going so fast coming up to a roundabout. i know im weak i always have been and alex was the only one who made me strong.its hard 2 make others understand what alex and i had and how he made me feel. theres also another reason to my thoughts, however that lies with me and my thoughts alone. atleast i would know that my whole family would care for connor as their own, and that alex and i would be watching down on him too

[surfchick]

Just wanted to add support to the thread ... and maybe to say too that under all the misery, maybe just making a decision to survive is one of the few things left in your control. I know alot of us on here are strangers to you, but lean on whoever and whatever you can to get through - also there are people in this KB forum who have lost loved ones riding & later it may help to talk stuff through with them. PM if it would help (even later on...)

Kia kaha

[PrincessBandit]

Anika, once you bring children into this world they are yours to care for. Yes there are times when that may need to be shared with others who are not their parents, but it is primarily your responsibility to be there for your children.

You are also basing your thoughts about leaving Connor behind on your assumption that you WILL be with Alex again, and not only that, that you can regain what you had before this tragedy. No one can know what you will find on the other side and I would urge you to not hold to a romanticised vision of how this will solve your despair.

You ARE being strong, simply by getting through the days, just as Alex's family are too. You have your family and, more importantly, your child. The easiest road will be the most selfish road. Please don't take it, hang on to any strength you can and you will make it through.

[caseye]

Anika, right now it would be easy for many of us out here in KB to read what you have written and stop posting, talking to you, because thats the easy thing to do and it doens't really concern us.
But you see it does, Alex has died suddenly,senslessly and totally thrown your world into complete anarchy.
Alex knew a number of KB'ers he was a rider as most of us here are, his family have overnight become our family( in the nicest possible way) and just as you and he would, we will do whatever we can to make sure that his family are safe.
You may have other reasons for not wanting to go on, I can't begin to think or know what they are and right now I'm not going to dwell on that.

I am going to ask you to really truthfully ask yourself this question.
Could anyone else in the whole wide world take care of Connor as completely and utterly as I can and am equipped to do?

You know without a doubt what Alex would do if the it was him left with Connor, so please, don't insult our intelligence with the excuse of him not being here to ask.
I'm sorry if that sounds a little harsh, it is! but it's the truth and if I was to ask you to do anything else it would be to simply keep coming and telling us here and any member of your family and friends the simple truth about how you feel and why(if you can. when you can, no time limits here)

Why would I ask you that? well if you did and we then knew that Anika needed a hand with something there'd be KB'ers for Africa at your place.
If you Pm'd or rang any of the people who have given you their personal contact details and told you to ring if they could help in anyway , THEY WOULD.
You have a simple but effective support network sitting waiting for a call or post here in the forums, wanting to help you and Connor materially,practically,financially and spiritually if required.

Come on Anika, the absolute worst day is over from here on it's it's small steps simple daily routines, some mind games for the cabin fever and time, time for you, time for Connor, time to heal, not forget!

[alexm]

you know, your all right and your all saying what i have been thinking too. so even though i feel a bit offended, i know u guys are right. that was one of my concerns too, if i die, what if there is no other side?what if alex isnt there waiting for me?but then this same concern comes into my mind while im alive..if u say theres no point in dying cause alex might not be there, whats the point in living if alex isnt up there somewhere watching over me? everyone says hes "here in spirit" with me, but i dont feel it, sure i talk to him in the hopes he is, but then u cant really say dont get notions he's gonna be there if u die and then use the same thing to try to keep me moving on by telling me his spirits with me.its all just so hard im doing my best as I said organising acc and winz payments etc..but then im also holding off things such as buying a new computer (im borrowing my aunties cuz i threw up on my other one a few nights after the accident and it died) cuz i dont know if im gonna make it and dont wana waste the money which could b used for connor. just dont know what to do, im scared to be alone with connor during the day i dont trust myself

[Genestho]

It's hard with little ones to find focus in this situation.

What opened my eyes was when I met a lady who lost her partner, and didn't get the chance to have a family together, left with no reminder. Gutted.

How hard it is for her, because she has no anchor. She had no reason to get up and get going anymore. But you do.

When something like this happens - you have to search for the positives.

I had some pretty strong indicators that my bloke was still around, which I won't reveal here. It's private. (I'm not religious, but I am spiritual by the way)

Have you rung that family support and advocacy number?

Remember they'll help with the practical things.

I don't know how to advise you on being alone. I'm at the point where I can enjoy my own space in the evenings! But it took a long time to get here!

As for looking after Connor, remember, once you get the WINZ stuff going, go to the Doc, get referred for counselling, and he will get you free childcare (upto 50 hours - I think?)

Then you can have the days to yourself to think if this what you need?

Also another thing I thought of is, quite a few widows I know found a focus, became advocates for something, or aimed for a goal of some sort.

It happened at a time when they were ready.

For me it was the night before my hubbys funeral.

Some people may dispute this approach, and say dwell on your grief - take time for yourself, but there is a fine line between focus, and having too much time to grieve. Because it is such a long journey as most people will know here that have lost someone close - you need to climb out and get relief with some sort of physical or mental stimulation.

IMO anyway.

It's all new but what I can promise you, is that this is really raw right now, and the rawness gets less with time. Just hang in there!

[caseye]

Hey Anika, you know what, I'm glad you felt offended, not that you were mean't to be, but becuase it's a feeling and it got through.
Now then the logic of what you have said hasn't escaped me either, while we'd all like to think that our loved ones who go before us are still with us one way or another, the reality is, who knows?
I don't.But I like to think they are, my MUM died nearly 2 years ago now, but I talk to her star, every time I see it out, dumb aye!
Please , keep doing what you are doing right now, tell it how it is for you and let everyone who wants to and can do, make a difference.
Sounds to me like you are taking the necessary steps to make sure income and living accomodation are in place and secure, thats a great start.
If your Aunty's computer does the job and shes happy, then be happy ( even a little bit happy) and use it.
If you don't need to do anything else for a while , take a breather, go play with Connor, of course you don't have to do any of these things but beleive me time out is very important.
T,G,W has asked you a couple of things and given you some things to do that will positively help you with Connor, child care,company,comfortand counselling.
You Take care now and try to get some peace and quiet and some sleep.
Tomorrow is another day and there will be things you need to do, but do them as you feel up to it, not before.Prioritise, don't do anything that you don't think is important, that means look after you first, then Connor then anything else.OK.

[paddy]

Hi guys,

The massive flow of PMs I was receiving asking for Anika account details has subsided so I thought I would take the time to summarise and feed back for the benefit of all.

When I first saw what had happened on KB I thought it would be nice to personally offer Anika and Conner some money. I figured if I were going to go to the effort of contacting her and finding her details then others might like to contribute to. The result is evident in this thread.

All in all I dealt with several hundred PMs. I provided Anika's account details to just over 60 distinct people (I hope I didn't miss anyone who asked). I don't know how many people went ahead and donated. I don't know what the total amount was. A few people volunteered the amount that they were donating. These were in the range of $20 - $100. And yes, one old bloke sent me a cheque (bless his heart - you know who you are). :-)

Many people have offered help beyond that of finance. I am just in the process of assembling these offers (from the thread and via PM) into a single list that I will forward those who seem to be directing involved in supporting Anika. I will not post this list publicly as some have asked for confidentiality.

It's great that we could raise money, but more than that, I really hope that the sentiment expressed here will help to carry Anika - that it will be a story that can be told to Connor when he is older. It has been an absolute privilege for me to be able to honour the memory of Alex in this way. He was new to our community and most of us didn't get to the chance to meet him. To me, this makes the response even more special. It has touched my heart and I hope that through the pain it has touched Anika's.

Patrick

P.S. While I am not a counsellor - I do have a background in the health industry and I just wanted to caution people to take care with what they write here. There are many that a using Connor as a point of control over Anika. Don't get me wrong - this is being done with absolutely the best intentions; however, I do not believe that it is helpful for Anika at this time. By all means paint happy pictures of what her future with Connor may look like and how Connor may come to know his father - but lets avoid the "do it for Connor" talk at the moment. It's just going to make her feel more trapped. What Anika needs night now is acceptance. Acceptance that can lead to a belief that she is okay. That what she is feeling is okay. She is allowed to feel these things. The death of Alex is a terrible thing. It is going to hurt and it is going to hurt for some time. Anika needs to take life one step at a time right now. We can see beyond that and we can "hold" that vision for her. Now is not the right time to push that onto her. Let's carry it for her a little longer.

[Oakie]

, but then u cant really say dont get notions he's gonna be there if u die and then use the same thing to try to keep me moving on by telling me his spirits with me.

Not to make light of the situation guys but ... don't you just hate it when someone shoots down your emotional argument with logic! At least it shows there's some good thought process going on in there amongst all the angst.

[alexm]

Patrick,
Wanted to thank you personally. From your kindness I have received a great deal of donations which have all been put in a bank account for Connor. And on the topic of your last post, thank you for understanding me too. I feel like everyone is telling me I must go on and be strong for Connor, and as u said it does make me feel trapped. I'm doing the best I can, of course nothing is good for me right now, my whole life has come to pieces and I don't know what to do. While I am still unsure about my future, your support has given me some comfort in a time I'm feeling extremely hurt. I think I better make this my last post, cause people just don't seem to understand why a mother would want to leave their child, and my mum just got a call from the police. i guess im letting out too much information on here. thanks to all of you, donations, phone numbers, all your offers. I have all your emails and phone numbers if I should ever need them