Page 33 of 351 FirstFirst ... 2331323334354383133 ... LastLast
Results 481 to 495 of 5254

Thread: Friday jokes

  1. #481
    Join Date
    7th November 2008 - 13:30
    Bike
    2007 GSX1000R
    Location
    Hastings
    Posts
    2,140
    man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when
    another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever
    in the middle seat next to the man.

    The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was
    allowed on the plane.

    The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement
    Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

    'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get
    airborne,when I put him to work.'

    The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said,
    'Watch this.'

    He told Sniffer to 'search'.

    Sniffer jumped down,walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
    purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

    Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

    The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That
    woman is in possession of marijuana,

    I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her
    when we land.

    'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

    Once again,the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

    The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to
    its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

    The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a
    note of his seat number for the police.'

    'I like it !' said his seat mate.

    The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

    Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a
    moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat
    and proceeded to shit all over the place.

    The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure
    out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the
    Policeman, 'What's going on ?'

    The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

  2. #482
    Join Date
    1st November 2005 - 08:18
    Bike
    F-117.
    Location
    Banana Republic of NZ
    Posts
    7,048
    I can't believe no-one has come up with a cure for anorexia yet. Surely it must be a piece of cake...
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  3. #483
    Join Date
    1st November 2005 - 08:18
    Bike
    F-117.
    Location
    Banana Republic of NZ
    Posts
    7,048
    The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

    "Hello."

    "Mrs. Sanders, please."

    "Speaking."

    "Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
    When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from
    another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
    We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

    "What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

    "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one
    tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

    "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

    "Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

    "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

    "The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

    If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  4. #484
    Join Date
    1st November 2005 - 08:18
    Bike
    F-117.
    Location
    Banana Republic of NZ
    Posts
    7,048
    My computer has an intelligent speech recognition system.

    When I farted onto the mic, it typed out 'France'.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  5. #485
    Join Date
    1st November 2005 - 08:18
    Bike
    F-117.
    Location
    Banana Republic of NZ
    Posts
    7,048
    Dear The Icebergs,
    Sorry to hear about global warming. Karma's a bitch,
    yours sincerely, the Titanic.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  6. #486
    Join Date
    8th November 2004 - 11:00
    Bike
    GSXR 750 the wanton hussy
    Location
    Not in Napier now
    Posts
    12,765
    Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up. I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock's broken and I'm wide awake. Not sure who won.
    Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

  7. #487
    Join Date
    1st November 2005 - 08:18
    Bike
    F-117.
    Location
    Banana Republic of NZ
    Posts
    7,048
    I phoned the National drugs helpline earlier today.

    Fucking useless they are, couldnt even tell me where the nearest dealer is.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  8. #488
    Join Date
    7th November 2008 - 13:30
    Bike
    2007 GSX1000R
    Location
    Hastings
    Posts
    2,140

    The Girraff Test - an oldie, but always a goodie :)

    There are 4 questions. Don’t miss one.



    1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?


    Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.







    The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.




    2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?






    Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

    Wrong Answer.

    Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions..



    3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
    attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?







    Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.



    4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
    you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?







    Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

    According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
    Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.

  9. #489
    Join Date
    29th October 2005 - 16:12
    Bike
    Had a 2007 Suzuki C50T Boulevard
    Location
    Orewa
    Posts
    5,852
    Quote Originally Posted by MSTRS View Post
    Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up. I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock's broken and I'm wide awake. Not sure who won.
    "You must spread..."
    You don't get to be an old dog without learning a few tricks.
    Shorai Powersports batteries are very trick!

  10. #490
    Join Date
    1st November 2005 - 08:18
    Bike
    F-117.
    Location
    Banana Republic of NZ
    Posts
    7,048

    Commonwealth Games Taxi driver...

    A stark naked, drunken Australian woman, jumped into a vacant taxi in down town New Delhi.

    The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman.

    He made no attempt to start the cab.

    “What's wrong with you mate, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?”

    “I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you that would not be proper where I am coming from".

    "Well if your not bloody staring at me mate, what are you doing then?"

    "Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?"









    Do goths wear normal clothes on halloween?
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  11. #491
    Join Date
    7th November 2008 - 13:30
    Bike
    2007 GSX1000R
    Location
    Hastings
    Posts
    2,140
    An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m.

    and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

    The man relies,

    “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

    The officer then asks,

    “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

    The man replies,

    “My wife.”

  12. #492
    Join Date
    1st November 2005 - 08:18
    Bike
    F-117.
    Location
    Banana Republic of NZ
    Posts
    7,048
    World War III. The U.S.A. have succeeded in building a fantastic computer that is able to solve any strategical or tactical problem. The military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine. They describe the situation to the computer and then ask it:
    "Shall we attack? Shall we retreat?"
    The computer computes for an hour and then comes up with the answer.
    "Yes!"
    The generals, rather stupefied, look at each other. Finally one of them asks the computer:
    "Yes, what?"
    After another fifteen minutes the computer replies:
    "Yes, Sir!"





    There is lot of obesity amongst Americans.

    It seems they are suffering from "Ass-Burgers Syndrome".
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  13. #493
    Join Date
    1st November 2005 - 08:18
    Bike
    F-117.
    Location
    Banana Republic of NZ
    Posts
    7,048
    I've just published a book on DIY.

    It's blank and comes with a free pen.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  14. #494
    Join Date
    25th March 2007 - 12:04
    Bike
    SPEED TRIPLE
    Location
    LA LA LAND
    Posts
    1,365
    The last person to enter parliament with honest intentions was Guy Fawkes.
    No body move... I dropped my brain

  15. #495
    Join Date
    6th June 2008 - 17:24
    Bike
    The Vixen - K8 GSXR600
    Location
    Behind keybd in The Tron
    Posts
    6,518
    Quote Originally Posted by Stirts View Post
    The last person to enter parliament with honest intentions was Guy Fawkes.
    "you must spread your"..errr I mean...Very well put on 5 Nov Stirts...
    . “No pleasure is worth giving up for two more years in a rest home.” Kingsley Amis

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •