Friday jokes

[5150]

Q. What's worse then chauvinistic male pig?

A. Woman that doesn't do what she is told.

[Stirts]

How does every sexist joke start?

By making sure you're out of earshot of the kitchen.

[5150]

How does every sexist joke start?

By making sure you're out of earshot of the kitchen.

Yup, and if you are heard, just take her back to the kitchen and shorten the chain

[Laava]

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.." He thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales."

He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.. She said, "I sell tampons".

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."

[MSTRS:Me]

A husband was sitting in his backyard looking rather sad. His neighbour called over the fence to ask what the problem was.
"I fell for one of those crazy questions women ask" said the husband. "Now I'm in the doghouse".
"What kind of question?" asked the neighbour.
My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly".
"That's easy. You just say 'Of course I will'"
"Yeah" sighed the husband "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was 'Of course I do.'"

[Swoop]

I was explaining to my class of foreign students the dangers of using homophones.
"Remember kids, they're called iPhones".




What's thick, white and comes in your burger?
McDonald's staff.





The first rule of bible club is, ALWAYS talk about bible club.

[5150]

If your wife f&@ks you up the arse with a dildo, does that make you gay?

[5150]

Harley Davidson Short Jokes

Q: What does HOG stand for?
A: Heavyset Old Geezers

Q: Why did they decide to call it the "Harley Owners Group?"
A: Because the term "Special Ed" was already taken.

Q: Why are Harley's some of the safest bikes on the road?
A: You can't go fast enough to hurt yourself....

Q: Did you hear about the harley rider that broke his arm while playing golf?
A: He fell off the ball washer!

Q: What do you call a Harley that doesn't leak oil?
A: Empty!

Q: What do you call ten Harley owners lined up ear to ear?
A: Wind tunnel.

Q: Why did the Harley owner cross the road?
A: He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.

Q: Why did the Harley owner couple decide to have only 4 children?
A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.

Q: How do you tell which is the Groom at a Harley owner wedding?
A: He's the one with the CLEAN mechanic’s shirt.

Q: How do you stop a Harley owner on horseback?
A: Unplug the carousel.

Q: What do you do if a Hell's Angel throws a hand-grenade at you?
A: Take the pin out and throw it back.

Q: What do you do if a Hell's Angel throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.

Q: How do you get a Harley owner out of the bath tub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap and get out of the way.

Q: How do you break a Harley owner’s finger?
A: Kick him in the ass.

Q: What's the smallest room in the world?
A: The Harley Davidson Hall of Fame.

Q: Why do Harley owner dogs have flat noses?
A: From chasing parked cars.

Q: How do you confuse a Harley owner?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to piss in the corner.

Q: What do you get when you have 32 Harley owners in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Q: How do you tell if a Harley rider has had sex?
A: His middle finger is clean.

Q: What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover vacuum cleaner?
A: The Harley has room for two dirtbags on board.

Q: How is a Harley Davidson like a Porcupine?
A: Both have pricks on their back.

Q: How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
A: They both like to ride in the back of pickup trucks.

Q: What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and an old dog?
A: The dog can get in the back of the pickup by itself.

Q: A Harley owner and a NASCAR fan get in a fight, who wins?
A: Everyone else!

Q: What's the happiest day in a Harley rider's life?
A: When they discover that they can use Right Guard under their left arm.

Q: What do you have when you put 10,000 Harley Davidson motorcycles on the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: Where do you put money to hide it from a harley rider?
A: In the bathroom...under the soap.

Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a Harley funeral.
A: Garbage cans only have two handles!

Q: What is the most common accessory for Harleys'?
A: A pick-up truck.

Q: What do Harleys and hemorrhoids have in common?
A: Sooner or later every asshole gets one!

Q: Why do harley riders never ride faster than 50mph?
A: Any faster and they can't see where the parts fell off.

Q: Why do harley riders chrome all their parts?
A: It makes them easier to spot on the side of the road.

Did you hear about the Harley owner who put Odor Eaters in his new riding boots?
Two days later, he disappeared.


Harley Davidson Bar Jokes

Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein arrives at a dinner party. He introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man answers, "189."
"That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The lady answers, "143."
"That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man answers, "58."
Albert's face lights up as he exclaims, "So you're the one who rides the Harley parked out front!"

God & Arthur Davidson

The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,"Since you've been such a good man and your Motorcycles have changed the world,your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women?
"God said, "Ah, yes. "
"Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention."
God was somewhat taken back, and when He asked what the flaws might be, Arthur Davidson produced a list for Him to read.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there and it may be true that My invention is flawed... " God said to Arthur.
"But the last time that I checked, more men are riding My invention than yours."

The Dishes


A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike, the dealer asks if he would like some extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he does not have the extra money, and is now afraid that the chrome will rust as soon as it gets wet. The dealer tells him not to worry. There is an old biker trick that will keep the chrome like new. All he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains - and everything will be fine. The young man happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointment time, he picks her up on his new Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family. And no one says a word.......
Next he decides to take a more direct approach, so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And no one says a word.....
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. Yet no one says a word.....
By now he is getting very worried and is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his new Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

And the father says "Never mind! I'll do the dishes!"

[nathanwhite]

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy and frankly you've been a disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more then a two bit paper pusher. Yes I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked "Mrs Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied "Why yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone anymore, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

[Swoop]

I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."
"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."


That spider never knew what fucking hit it.

[Stirts]

Apparently "50 Shades of Grey" is the first book in history where there is no need for it's readers to lick their fingers to turn the pages.

[Swoop]

Venus Williams has blamed her first round exit at Wimbledon to the balls not bouncing correctly.

May I suggest for her to try some better fitting underwear?

[5150]

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon head for the beach.

They notice a gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers" she says as she strolls by.

The men are stunned. How does she know they are clergy? Later that day, they buy even wilder attire consisting of surfer shorts, tie dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses.

The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blond, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them and says, "Good morning Fathers."

"Just a minute young lady.", says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"

The blonde replies, "Don't you recognize me? I'm sister Katherine from the convent."









A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.

"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

[MSTRS:Me]

Seen on the side of a Masterfoods truck - Practice safe eating. Use condiments.

[5150]

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please." The engineer takes the ticket that accountants gave and gets back into their restroom.