Friday jokes

**Banditbandit** · 7th August 2013, 16:58

A couple are married and spent the first three weeks of their marriage on honeymoon in Tahiti.

On returning the new groom sees his motorbike is a litle dusty so he pushes out onto the drive and starts to wash it.

His new wife comes down and says "Honey, now that we are married, don't you think it's time to sell the bike? It's pretty dangerous to be riding bike and we can use the money towards a house".

The groom looks at her and says "Dear, you're starting to sound like my ex-wife!"

"What ex-wife," she exclaims. "I didn't know you were married before!"

He replies "I wasn't ... "

**Maha** · 7th August 2013, 17:42

If you are going to copy and paste, at least have the decency to proof read and correct all grammar and spelling mistakes.

**Swoop** · 8th August 2013, 09:29

I was delivering a lecture on Philosophy at the University.

"By the year 2100, religion will disappear from the civilised world," I said to the students.

A Muslim bloke stood up.

"But professor, currently Islam is spreading and will increase even more by then," he said.

"Abdul," I said, "I was talking about the civilised world."

**unstuck** · 8th August 2013, 09:37

Originally Posted by Swoop

I was delivering a lecture on Philosophy at the University.

"By the year 2100, religion will disappear from the civilised world," I said to the students.

A Muslim bloke stood up.

"But professor, currently Islam is spreading and will increase even more by then," he said.

"Abdul," I said, "I was talking about the civilised world."

**Banditbandit** · 8th August 2013, 13:20

Originally Posted by Maha

If you are going to copy and paste, at least have the decency to proof read and correct all grammar and spelling mistakes.

Why? Spelling and grammer (yes, exactly) is your issue, not mine.

**Maha** · 8th August 2013, 15:44

Originally Posted by Banditbandit

Why? Spelling and grammer (yes, exactly) is your issue, not mine.

This message was brought to you by the letter E, which does not feature in the word Grammar.

**Akzle** · 8th August 2013, 18:20

smokeys moron club gains a new moron...

**KapitiLizard** · 8th August 2013, 18:36

Originally Posted by Maha

This message was brought to you by the letter E, which does not feature in the word Grammar.

This message was brought to you by the letter E, which does feature twice in the saying "Get a life"

@ Banditbandit - Keep the jokes coming

**slofox** · 9th August 2013, 08:37

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man breaks wind and says, 'Goal.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'One each, tie score”....'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 2 to 1.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'2- 2, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
' I lead 3 to 2.' Now the pressure is on the old man

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides...

**MSTRS:Me** · 9th August 2013, 14:58

Bubba and Earl, two hillbillies from West Virginia, were in a local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize: year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize: a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighbourhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied "Great, I love spaghetti!" Earl asked Bubba "How about you? How's the toilet brush working out?" "Not so good" replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm going back to paper".

**MSTRS:Me** · 9th August 2013, 15:20

A horny guy went into a whorehouse and says, "I need a blow job, but I only have $5". "Okay", The owner said, "That's not much, but for $5 we can give you a penguin".

"What's a penguin?" The man asked. "You'll see", she replied.

So he went upstairs. A young woman came and started giving him a blow job.

But just as he was about to finish, she stopped and walked away.

Frustrated, he waddled after her with his pants around his ankles, screaming "What's a penguin?"

**Smifffy** · 9th August 2013, 21:43

Originally Posted by MSTRS

A horny guy went into a whorehouse and says, "I need a blow job, but I only have $5". "Okay", The owner said, "That's not much, but for $5 we can give you a penguin".

"What's a penguin?" The man asked. "You'll see", she replied.

So he went upstairs. A young woman came and started giving him a blow job.

But just as he was about to finish, she stopped and walked away.

Frustrated, he waddled after her with his pants around his ankles, screaming "What's a penguin?"

I still recall the drunken party, about 20 years ago, at which a rather large guy by the name of Rex, told this joke, ending it with his trou around his ankles. I doubt his Mrs will ever let him forget it either lol

**Berries** · 9th August 2013, 23:34

Originally Posted by Maha

If you are going to copy and paste, at least have the decency to proof read and correct all grammar and spelling mistakes.

Nah. I don't get it.

Is that an IT joke or something?

**Geeen** · 11th August 2013, 17:30

What has been seen cannot be unseen......

http://www.funnyordie.com/articles/0...-online-dating

Great for catching out the unsuspecting though........