Friday jokes

[cc rider]

Knock Knock! Who's there? Someone with an actual joke



Two friends go to a prostitute.

The first guy goes in and comes out ten minutes later and said,

"My wife's better than that."

So the next guy goes in then ten minutes later and said,

"You're right, your wife is better than that."

[cc rider]

I hate it when you're sitting on the bus and the local weirdo gets on and sits next to you.

You know the type. The ones that watch you masturbate.


(disclaimer: Just cause I take the bus home from work, doesn't mean.... )

[husaberg]

Knock Knock! Who's there? Someone with an actual joke

Aye i called Ban-it Mosses and added a tablet quip...just saying

[roogazza]

[Robbo]

Don't you just love those stupid "My Family" stickers on the back windows of cars (not)

Well here's one that i use.

[husaberg]

Stuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuf

[Geeen]

Don't you just love those stupid "My Family" stickers on the back windows of cars (not)

Well here's one that i use.

It boggles the mind why anyone would spend $5 per sticker to be a smug twatt

[Robbo]

It boggles the mind why anyone would spend $5 per sticker to be a smug twatt

Is that what they cost?? They must have seen you comming.

[Juniper]

A drunk stumbles out of the bar and phones the police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cries out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rings a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

====================l
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him. The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

=======================
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" (Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face."

[Juniper]

Hello?
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone?
No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.
After a brief pause, daddy say but honey you dont have an Uncle Paul.
Oh yes I do, & hes upstairs in the room with mommy right now.
Brief pause. Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddys car just pulled up.
Ok daddy just a min. A few min later the lil girl comes back to the phone.
I did it daddy.
And what happened honey?
Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screamin then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isnt movin at all!
OMG!!!
What bout your uncle paul?
He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didnt know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it & I think hes dead!
Real long pause!
Then daddy says, Swimmin pool? Is this 486-5732?
Lil girl says No I think you have the wrong number

[Juniper]

A senior citizen from Germany arrives at the Warsaw airport.
He presents his passport to the Polish immigration officer who looks it over and asks, "Occupation?"

And the German somewhat confused answers, "No, just visiting this time."

[Juniper]

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask. "Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."

[husaberg]

A pirate walks into a bar, and he's got a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender sees him and asks, "Hey, what's that steering wheel doing there?" The pirate says, "Aaarrrr, it's driving me nuts."

[crazyhorse]

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used afirewall and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


Scroll down....You'll love this .......

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'You got Male!

[husaberg]

did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
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he worked it out with a pencil