Share your txt jokes

[Spicer]

Woman buys a wall mirror from bunnings.The manager says,"Do you want a screw for that?" 'No,she said...but i'd suck your cock for a lawn mower!"


I just got band from bunnigs.Sum cunt in a red apron came up 2 me an askd if i wantd decking,Luckly i got the first punch in...


Teacher says give me a word starting with u,johnny says urinate! teacher says use it in a sentence,my dad said ur an 8 but if u had bigger tits urd b a 10!



My new muslim girlfriend keeps talking about a blow job.I dont know weather to get my cock out or warn London Transport....

[Spicer]

I askd god 4 world peace & he said I cant its impossible! so i askd god 2 make u good lookin,he said 'dude,let me world peace"


Never screw a Police woman,she'll say STOP HANDS UP! Never screw a nurse, she'll say NEXTPLEASE Always screw a Teacher she'll say NOW REPEAT THAT 5 TIMES.


Wife reads an article,"Wow! A bull can have sex 3000 times a year...I wish u could do the same" Hubby repiles,"Ask the bull weather he FUCKS the same cow!

At 30 a womans vagina is like a peach,round & firm.At 40 its like an avocado pear,soft & over ripe.At 50 its like an onion,u look at it & want 2 fuckin cry!

[Spicer]

2 rats in a sewer-one says "Im fucking sick of it.Shit for breakfast,shit for lunch & shit for tea." The other rat says "Cheer up we'll hit the piss later.


Elton John goes 2 tattooist,asks 4 tattoo of a car on his penis.The guy asks wot type of car? Elton says,make it a 4WD, it could GET MUDDY.

Rangi foned his boss monday morng says he cudnt go 2 work cos he had bird flu.Boss sez,How da hell u get bird flu? Rangi told him 2 many Tui's bro!


VAGINA POEM: This is a hole that never heals the more u rub it the better it feels and all the soap from here 2 hell will never get rid of that fuckin smell.

[Laava]

You are invited to this years annual Premature Ejaculation Society dinner. No dress code, just come in your pants!

[Squid]

What do you do if a Irish man through's a pin at you? ... ... you run cause he's got a grenade in his mouth.

The first time I slept with my misses I lay in my bed looking at the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky.... then I thought where the fuck is my roof??

!!News flash!!
Indian earthquake kills 50 000!
USA sending food.
Australia sendingclothes.
England sending ... ... ... Replacements

[MSTRS:Me]

My wife announced that she was gunna pop over to help with feeding the victims of the NSW fires. I said to not bother...they'll be sick of burnt shit now.

[cowboyz]

I got a new rolex for my birthday from the lesbian girls next door.
I think they misunderstood me when I said 'I wanna watch'

[Spicer]

After a man shagged a woman he told her in 9 months u will have a child.U will call him HERCULES.Woman replied in 9 days u will have a rash u will call it HERPIES.

Doctor says 2 lady 'ure knees r all blistered' she says,'Because i like it doggy style' Doc says 'Cant u do it any other style?' 'Oh i can but the dog cant'

Scientists have revealed 2 day that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. Its called TRYDIXAGAIN.

Man in bed with wife starts stroking her neck,her arms and legs stopping at her inner thigh,shes says KEEP GOING but he sez no i found the tv remote!

[Spicer]

Man in hotel bumps into womens boobs & says 'if ur heart is as soft as ur bosom u'll forgive me.She replies 'If ur cock is as hard as ur elbow i'm in room 43!!

A mum was cleaning her 12yr old son bedroom-finds a load of bondage gear-fetish mag She asks her hubby wot 2 do? Hubby sez wotever u do dont fuckin spank him.

Man lyin on a beach sunbathing naked with hat over his cock.Woman walks past sez if u were a gentlemen urd lift ur hat.He sez if u wernt ugly it lift itself.

I got a new Rolex 4 my birthday from the lesbian girls who live next door! I think they misunderstood me when i said i wanna watch!

[Spicer]

Woman found at Harvey Norman with bite marks in her vagina.They think Kelvinator.

'Give it here' 'NO ITS MINE' 'Let me have it' 'ITS MY TURN' 'You had it last' 'FUCK OFF' 'c'mon gimme it' 'NO WAY' Siamese twins havin a wank!

A 992 i TNU> bigut2 @ pnilim2 9m [ crack code by holding up to mirror.]

You like fucker dumb a is who person another to it send now, this read to trying time fucking your took you. Now read it backwards

Goodlooks catch the eye but good personality catch hearts.You are blessed with both! FLATTERED? Fuck off,it was sent to me.I just wanted u 2 read it.

[Squid]

Why was the washing machine laughing?
Coz it was taking the piss out of the underpants

Whats the fastest thing in the world?
A Maori with a free KFC voucher
Whats the 2ed fastest thing in the world?
The person he stole the voucher from....

[MSTRS:Me]

The Sri Lankan cricket team had disappointing results in the latest test. They failed to fire and were five-down before lunch.

[twotyred]

The Sri Lankan cricket team had disappointing results in the latest test. They failed to fire and were five-down before lunch.

ouch...

[fire eyes]

Happy New Year from the Alzheimers Club! Hope the Easter Bunny brings u heaps Ken, or is it Steve? Fuck it. Happy Birthday anyway.Enjoy the Labour Day Weekend.Whos this?

[fire eyes]

Think ur having a bad day? Imagine this:Ur a siamese twin joined at the hip.Ur brother is gay and ur not.His lover is coming ova & u only have one arse.

(hahahahahaha ... Im still crackin up laughin )