Joke soup

[texmo]

Cannabilism


Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

[texmo]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[texmo]

An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 yen. He receives $72.00 in American currency. The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 yen. This time, he receives $66.00 in American currency. The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 yen"

The clerk replies, "Fluctuations." As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "Fluck you Amelicans, too!"

[texmo]

Sexual Myths

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat, and a wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “Business trip or vacation?”

The woman turns, smiles and says, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.”

The man swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she says. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really,” he says. “What myths are those?”

“Well,” she explains, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it’s men of Jewish decent.”

Suddenly, the women becomes very embarrassed and blushes. “I'm sorry,” she says, “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!”

“Tonto” the man says as he extends his hand. “Tonto Goldstein.”

[Beemer]

How long did it take you to trawl through the joke threads and find all these ones to post? I think some are even ones I've posted. Got any NEW jokes to tell us?

[v.ros`]

cmon Beemer..... give him credit for those who havent been as long as you in this forums...i only read like 2 of those before... and still made my laugh.

[Beemer]

cmon Beemer..... give him credit for those who havent been as long as you in this forums...i only read like 2 of those before... and still made my laugh.

I would have cut him some slack if he'd said "sorry if these have been posted before" but I look at all the joke threads in the hope of finding some new ones! And it doesn't take THAt long to trawl through the threads in the first place - joke thread #6482291 contains several of these. I only started looking at the joke thread a couple of months ago, so it's not like I've been here from the start - I didn't even work out how to find the rave on forum for ages!

[Sniper]

Yep I've read all those already, no credit when there is no research involved, sorry mate

[Swoop]

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner asks the Clerk,
"What's with the guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk responds,
"Well, he came in this morning to get something for his cough.
I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I had him drink a bottle of laxatives."
The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives."
The clerk calmly responds,
"Of course you can, look at him. He's too afraid to cough!!"