Ramius' Joke of the Day...

[Ramius]

Anyone for Ice Cream?

[Ramius]

Dear IT Support

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to MS Girlfriend 1.0 from MS Drinking Buddies 4.2, which I'd used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products
and the only solution was to try and run MS Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, MS Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and LapDance 6.1. Successive versions of MSGirlfriend proved no better.
A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 which I tried had many bugs
and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for
several weeks. Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiance 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus, Cleanhouse 2000 and Flatshirt 3.1.
Shortly after this upgrade however I then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run; For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgot about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail pornfilter and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip! These latter products have no help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.
Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating
regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that also drains my resources; It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an Illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems, a friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it tends to delete all my MSMoney files before un-installing itself.
Mistress 2000 then upgrades to Wife 2.0 and the whole process
continues, with a consequent need to upgrade resources to keep pace with the extra demands on the system. This is particularly noticeable if Wife 2.0 has the additional OwnKids 3 plug in installed. Any Ideas?

Regards

Ramius

[Wolf]

Dear IT Support

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to MS Girlfriend 1.0 from MS Drinking Buddies Any Ideas?

Regards

Ramius

Try installing Divorce 1.0 which should wipe the system fairly clean (warning, any child processes spawned by Wife 1.0 may leave a process called Alimony 1.1 which is difficult to remove) and you can revert to the Drinking Buddies programs.

Regards
IT Help Desk

[strayjuliet]

Try installing Divorce 1.0 which should wipe the system fairly clean (warning, any child processes spawned by Wife 1.0 may leave a process called Alimony 1.1 which is difficult to remove) and you can revert to the Drinking Buddies programs.

Regards
IT Help Desk

Lmao.
Dear IT help desk,
I have tried many times to install divorce 1.0 but husband 1.0 wont let me what can I do.???

[froggyfrenchman]

hahahaha, funniest thing ive hears all day!

[Sniper]

Lmao.
Dear IT help desk,
I have tried many times to install divorce 1.0 but husband 1.0 wont let me what can I do.???

Please install Hitman v2.3 which should solve the problem. Beware of spyware which may upgrade itself Jail sentence v6 to 7. Also please note that Hitman v2.3 will cost a fair bit to install

[Wolf]

Please install Hitman v2.3 which should solve the problem. Beware of spyware which may upgrade itself Jail sentence v6 to 7. Also please note that Hitman v2.3 will cost a fair bit to install

And Hitman 2.3 may also be inexplicably deleted by Husband 1.0 owing to the Self Preservation 1.9 runtime that comes as standard...

[strayjuliet]

Please install Hitman v2.3 which should solve the problem. Beware of spyware which may upgrade itself Jail sentence v6 to 7. Also please note that Hitman v2.3 will cost a fair bit to install

Cost no problem if Husband 1.0 has Life Insurance 2.3.
My understanding is that Damn Good Lawyer 2.3 can take care of Jail Sentence v6 to 7.

[BNZ]

Cost no problem if Husband 1.0 has Life Insurance 2.3.
My understanding is that Damn Good Lawyer 2.3 can take care of Jail Sentence v6 to 7.

Not that it matters as the full version of Jail Sentence v7 is written for Bali, and they only have a limited license option for NZ that often expires early. If you are lucky you can even source the local product diversion-XP

[Wolf]

Cost no problem if Husband 1.0 has Life Insurance 2.3.

Boy, is she shit outta luck on that score...

My understanding is that Damn Good Lawyer 2.3 can take care of Jail Sentence v6 to 7.

And could make Life Insurance 2.3 vanish pretty quick, too

[strayjuliet]

Boy, is she shit outta luck on that score...

So is he...
(Wicked evil grin.)
My signature says it all...

[Ramius]

"Hello, is this the police?

"Yes it is. How can we help you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Tony. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, police officers descend on Tony's house in great numbers.

They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.

They swear at Tony and leave.

The phone rings at Tony's house.

"Hey, Tony. Did the cops come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"Yep."
"Happy Birthday", mate

[Ramius]

Extreme Vehicle Safety!

[Sniper]

Marvellous, hehe

[Ramius]

DISORDER IN COURT


From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're things
people
actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis- does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

Q: How old is your son- the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo
or
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights
flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?


Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?




Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
somewhere.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.


Here are some classic Court transcripts, all recorded by the keepers
of
the
word in various parts of the world...

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina
show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did
you
observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed
and
put on top of my head.

CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God.."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God.."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give.."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it."
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give.."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give.."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and.."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and.."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the
truth
and.."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and.."
CLERK: Say "Nothing."
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say "Nothing but the truth.."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say, "Nothing but the truth"?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth..", yes?
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth.."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth.."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The",
"Truth."
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse
down
the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the
duckpond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know.. His thing. His di--. I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you
were
sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George."