Marriage - It's a joke.

[Biff]

Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:
I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I
don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on
table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go
hunting, fishing, boozing and card playing when I want with my old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my
rules.

Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every
night whether you're here or not."

(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************

Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
Wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
******************************

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends
and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the
irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the
phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

******************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is
so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six"
in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to
go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of
Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts
right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

**************************************

Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realised that the next day, he would need his
wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not
wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
On a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he
knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why
his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the
bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
draft before the masterpiece.

[riffer]

Ahhh marriage. It ain't a word - it's a sentence...

[Storm]

Heard one from my boss today
Yound guy meets a wonderful woman, they date , everything is going well. He takes her out for dinner and during dessert goes down on one knee and proposes. She said no

He lived happily ever after

[Sensei]

Hubby comes home & tells his wife hes just won Lotto & she should pack her bags .Where are we going LA ,Rome , Paris ??? . Where not going any where your leaving .

[MSTRS:Me]

Typical 6'6" macho man married typical 5'3" good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I
don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on
table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go
hunting, fishing, boozing and card playing when I want with my old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it."
He then passed her his trousers & asked her to put them on. Of course they were waaay too big and she said so.
"That's right, I wear the pants in this relationship" he said.
So - wifey then passes him her tiny little silken knickers, asking him to put them on. Of course he can't get them past his knees and he says "I can't get into your knickers"
And she says - "And that's the way it'll stay until you change your attitude"

[SPman]

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.

Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 30 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot, she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!

[Sniper]

Hahaha, didnt you know marrige was a 3 ring circus?

Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering

[Yarg]

marriage: The longest sentence is "I Do"

[MSTRS:Me]

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:
Definitely not!

WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:
makes audible groan).

WIFE:
Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
- - silence - -

HUSBAND:
F**k

[v.ros`]

LOL nice one

[MSTRS:Me]

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”
The widow replied, “I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.”

[crazyhorse]

MARRIAGE (PART I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

“I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules, any comments?”

His new bride said “No, that's fine with me, just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not”

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)


************************************************

[crazyhorse]

MARRIAGE (PART II)



Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)


*****************************************

[crazyhorse]

MARRIAGE (PART III)



Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house. After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)


*****************************************

[crazyhorse]

Marriage (Part IV)


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

*****************************************