canarlee's joke of the day thread

[canarlee]

They are in the shower A salesman rang the doorbell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home. Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?" Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower." Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home. Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman said, "Well can I see her?" Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too." The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?" Johnny laughed this time and said "No." The salesman asked, "Why?" "Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue."

[canarlee]

On their first night together, a newlywed couple gets ready for bed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished with her beauty. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "Oh my goodness, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture." Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever." She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why are you wearing a robe, we are married now." The man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks, "Why?" She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!

[canarlee]

Virtual breasts

(o)(o) Perfect Breasts ( + )( + ) Fake Silicone Breasts (*)(*) High Nipple Breasts (@)(@) Big Nipple Breasts (.)(.) Tiny Nipple Breasts o o "A" Cups { O }{ O } "D" Cups (oYo) Wonder Bra Breasts ( ^)( ^) Cold Breasts (o)(O) Lopsided Breasts (Q)(Q) Pierced Breasts (p)(p) Hanging Tassle Breasts \o/\o/ Grandma's Breasts ( - )( - ) Flat Against the Shower Door Breasts < o >< o > Electric Shock Breasts (8)(o) Extra Nipple Breasts ( o Y o ) Poses for Playboy Breasts ( /\ )( /\ ) Madonna's Breasts

[Beemer]

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at some lights whilst not really paying attention.

Anyway the fella who was driving got out... And he was a dwarf!!!!

He said, "I'm not happy"........

I said, "Well which one are you then?”

[canarlee]

and on we go

[canarlee]

A blonde a brunette and a redhead all in the doctors office waiting to be examined. The redhead said "I'm having a boy" "Well how do you know?" they asked. "I was on top" she answered The brunette said "then I'm having a girl as I was on bottom" The blonde started crying and screamed "Oh my, I'm having puppies!!"

[canarlee]

Did you hear about the woman with 3 puss!es. She was fücked left, right and centre.

[canarlee]

An Old man has a bad tooth ache, he goes into the dentist office. The dentist brings him into the room and looks at the tooth, he tells the old man we cant fix it we need to pull it out! The dentist gets some novacane, the old man says I can't take that...I am allergic to it! So the dentist leaves the room and comes back with some laughing gas...the old man says I can't take that I am allergic to it! So the dentist is getting mad, leaves the room and comes back and sticks two pills in the old mans hand and says take these! The old man takes the pills and asks what were they? The dentist tells him it was Viagara! The old mans says Viagara??? the dentist says sure is...you are going to need something to hold onto while I pull your tooth out!

[canarlee]

One for the ladies!!
1. Men are like ..Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you. 2. Men are like. Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like ......Weather . Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like ...Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like ...Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off. 8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10. Men are like .Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13. Men are like Parking Spots ...... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[canarlee]

Here's the way I heard it...... Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's stop in at the bar for a drink." The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do." They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come on in." The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The woman with the little dog shrieked (incredulously, of course): "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f..king Chihuahua?!"

[canarlee]

there's this young lad
who joins the circus to become a lion tamer. First day on duty the old experienced lion tamer says to him 'Right, go in the cage, and if the lions show you any aggression just grab a couple of handfuls of sh.t and throw it at them.' Young lad 'Where will I find the sh.t?' Lion tamer 'Oh there'll be plenty of sh.t alright.'

[canarlee]

Too-late tailor
Joe is being plagued by terrible headaches. One day, after years of suffering, he decides to see a migraine specialist. The doctor tells Joe to strip, inspects him all over, and announces that he's found the cause of his problem. "Your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine," says the medic. "The pressure builds up, and you get an excruciating headache." Joe is appalled. "Tell me, doctor, is there anything I can do about it?" he asks. "I'm afraid I have bad news. The only answer is to get rid of the testicles," says the doctor. Joe considers the pros and cons of a life without balls and sex - but then he thinks about the agony of his daily headaches, and without too much difficulty decides to go for the snip. He comes round from the operation and leaves the hospital. Walking along the street, he smiles as he realizes that the pain has completely disappeared. To celebrate, he decides to treat himself to some new clothes, so he makes his way to a top tailor to get fitted. Inside the tailor's, he asks to see a pair of trousers. The tailor looks at Joe and says, "You'll need a 36-inch waist, 33-inch inside leg." Joe is amazed at the accuracy of the tailor's eye, and asks for a shirt. "That'll be a 42-inch chest, 16-inch neck," the tailor says, and Joe is once again stunned by his accuracy. Finally, all that is left is a pair of underpants. "36?" guesses the tailor incorrectly. "No, sorry, I'm a 34," Joe says. "I've worn a 34 since I was 18." "This is not possible," frowns the tailor. "If a man of your size wore a size 34, the pants would press his testicles into the base of his spine, causing the most horrific headaches."

[canarlee]

Jack & Jill went to play hide and seek.... Jill said to Jack, 'if you can find me, you can lick my pu55y and f**k me up the ar5e!' . . . . 'and if you can't, I'll be in the shed!'

[canarlee]

Joe was visiting a friend's rubber factory one day. They entered the first room, to the loud sound of "Bang! Hish! Bang! Hish!" "What are you making here?" asked Joe. "Teats for a baby's bottle," replied the owner. "The bang makes the teat and the hish puts the hole in the end." The next room, however, was filled with different sounds: "Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Hish! Bang! Bang!" "This is where we make condoms," explained the owner. 'so why," asked Joe, 'do the machines go hish every now and then?" "Well," says the owner, "We have to make sure there are enough babies for our teats."

[canarlee]

Therapy?
A man walks into a pub and orders a drink. He necks it, takes out his cock, and pisses all over the bar. The landlord is furious and tells the man to get out. He apologises profusely, saying he doesn't know what came over him, and that he will see a psychiatrist and get help. A week later, the man goes back into the pub, orders a drink, takes out his cock and pisses all over the bar. Again, the furious landlord tells him to get out, and again the man apologises, and says he will definitely get some help from a psychiatrist for his unusual condition. He then leaves. The following week, the man comes in and the landlord stops him before he can order a drink. "It's okay," says the man, "I've been in treatment with my psychiatrist. Everything's fine." The landlord decides to give the man one more chance, and pulls him a pint. The man drinks it, then gets his cock out and pisses all over the bar. The landlord is stunned. "I thought you'd been to see a psychiatrist," he says. "I have," the man replies. "But you've just pissed all over my bar again," the landlord says. "I know," says the man. "But I don't feel guilty about it any more."