What's your sickest joke?

[husaberg]

Whats long and hard and has cum in it?
a cucumber.

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!

What's slimy cold long and smells like pork?
Kermit the frogs finger.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
"Gag"

What do you call an artist with a brown finger?
Piccassole

Did you hear about the celebrity murderer?
He was shooting for the stars.

Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
Ate something.

If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have? Three feet of my cock up your ass

What kind of bees produce milk?
Boobies

[husaberg]

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
Pick him up and suck on his cock!

[husaberg]

Wouldn't let me edit it (easily anyway)

[husaberg]

The word good has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I should call him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man


Be creative, invent a perversion.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Research shows that nine out of ten men who try Camel... prefer women.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.

Cancer cures smoking.

If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.

[husaberg]

[husaberg]

[husaberg]

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[husaberg]

[Juniper]

Let me guess..... R18 RESTRICTED?

[husaberg]

Let me guess..... R18 RESTRICTED?

Er.....you told me you were over 16 though, aye?

[MSTRS:Me]

A little girl is in her parent's room and her father is standing there naked. The little girl points to her father's penis and says "Daddy when will I have one of those between my legs?" The father replies "As soon as your mum leaves"...

[husaberg]

Two guys on a bench are looking at people who walk by. A teen mother and her toddler pass them. The first guy says "Whew, teen mothers these days... but I guess if there's grass on the field, its time to play ball." The second guy says "Nah, if they're old enough to crawl, they're in the right position."

---

Little johnny runs into his mother and says "mummy can you show me a magic trick"
His mother replies "sorry johnny i don't know any magic tricks go ask your father"
so little johnny runs to his father and says "Daddy daddy can you show me a magic trick?"
His father replies "sorry johnny i don't know any magic tricks go ask your grandfather"
So little johnny runs to his grandfathers and said "granddad granddad can you show me a magic trick?"
His grandfather replies sure johnny turn around and pull your pants down, now can you feel me thumb up your ****?"
"Yes i can" johnny replied.

"Look no hands."

---

Several weeks ago, my best friend walked up to me and said, "Hey, man. I had a REALLY dirty wet dream about you last night."

That sentence just left me in disturbed/disgusted silence, and I stared at him in shock.

He went on to say, "Yeah. You fell in a mud puddle and I peed myself laughing!"

---

Q: How do you know if your girlfriend is on her period?

A: You wake up in the morning with a lump in your throat and a string attached.

[husaberg]

Jerry Rice is walking down the streets of San Francisco when all of a sudden he hears sirens coming from the next street down. He hurries down the road to see what's happening and sees a huge fire engulfing a 10 story building. And on the top floor, a lady is leaning out the window shouting to the firemen below.

FIREMAN: Come on, lady, jump. We have the tarp here, we'll be able to catch you.
LADY: No....I can't. My baby, my baby is up here.
FIREMAN: Throw the baby down, we'll catch him.
LADY: No, you'll miss. I can't leave my baby.

Jerry sees this and steps forward. "Hey, I think I can help. Let me have the bullhorn."

JERRY: Hey lady, I'm Jerry Rice, the wide receiver for the San Francisco 49er's. I'm the best wide receiver in the game, throw your baby down and I'll catch him, this is what I do for a living.

Being a 49er fan herself, the lady recognizes Jerry and throws her baby down to him. Just as she throws it though, a huge gust of wind comes and takes the baby and starts to blow him off course. Jerry sees this and takes off after the baby. He hurdles the line closing off the area, fights through the crowd, dodges a couple of fire fighters, jumps over the car, and dives forward, just making a fingertip catch of the baby. The crowd around him goes wild and starts cheering his amazing catch. So Jerry jumps to his feet, raises his finger into the air, does a two step and then spikes the baby.

---

a priest and a vicar swap jobs for a week, the first time the vicar takes confession, a beautifull young girl says "father, ive come to confess, ive had impure thoughts about the boy next door"

"say 5 hail marys" said the priest.

another beautifull young girl comes in "father , ive come to confess, ive had phone sex with the boy next door" says she.

"say 10 hail marys" says the priest.

yet another stunner comes in to the booth "father , ive had ORAL sex with the boy next door"


the priest thinks for a while, opens the curtain on the confesional booth just as an alterboy is walking past, and asks him "what does the priest usually give for oral sex ?"


"two mars bars and a packet of crisps !" said the alterboy

---

Scientists have proven that women will, at some point in their lives, contain intelligent DNA.. Unfortunately 95% of them will spit it out

---

Man walks into a bar. He notices a jar with money in it over the bar. He asks the bartender what the money's for.
Bartender says, "Oh, we've got ourselves a contest here, y'see...You pay $10, but if you beat all 3 challenges, you win all the money."
"What's the contest?" the man asks.
"First, you've gotta knock out Bruno with one shot," the bartender says - pointing to the 6'6, 300 lb dim-witted bouncer. "Then, we take you out back to the kennel, where our doberman has an impacted wisdom tooth, and you have to remove it. Finally, you have to have sex with Agnes," he continued, pointing to a mummy-like elderly woman in the corner, "until she has an orgasm."
"Screw that," the man says. "That's way too tough!" But, a few drinks in, he'd gotten his Irish courage up, and he dropped his $10 in the jar.
He leapt up, ran over to Bruno and - summoning all his strength, caught the bouncer completely by surprise, knocking him out with one punch. The crowd - sensing the possibilities, began cheering him on, as they led him to the back kennel.
Once the door was shut, the crowd heard horrible growling sounds coming from the dog, punctuated, finally, by a loud *squeak*.
The door opened, and the man stepped out and said,"OK, now take me to that old lady with the bad tooth?"

[husaberg]

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.

Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts.
Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.

Mommy, Mommy! What's an Oedipus complex?
Shut up and kiss me!

Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquant child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.

Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquant child?
Shut up and pass me the crowbar.

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the right way to cook Peking Duck?"
Shut up and close the microvawe oven door behind you!

Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner?
Shut up and get back in the oven!

Mommy, Mommy! But I don't wanna eat pizza!
Shut up and get in the oven!

Mommy, Mommy! What do you want with that ax....

Mommy, Mommy! I can't breathe!
Good, it's working.

Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!

Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise.
Shut up and eat around it!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?
Not today, we already dug her three times this week.

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!

Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!

Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!

Mommy, Mommy! What's a werewolf?
Shut up and comb your face!

Mommy, Mommy! Whats an orgasm?
I don't know dear, ask your father.

Mommy, Mommy! Billy won't let go of my ear.
Billy, let go of Susie's ear.
Billy! Let go of her ear!
All right Billy, give me the ear.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy's guts.
Well, just leave them on the side of the plate.

Mommy, Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get Gramma off the doorknob!

Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?
Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like grandpa.
Well, just push him aside and eat your beans.

Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Australia.
Shut up son and keep swimming.

Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you'll wake your father.

Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

Mommy, Mommy! The milkmans here; have you got the money or
should I go out an play?

Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running?
Shut up and reload.


Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy zigzagging in the yard?
Shut up and shoot again!

Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma!
Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush.

Mommy, Mommy! I'm sick of learning how to swim!
Shut up or I'll flush it again!

Mommy, Mommy! It's cold and dark and damp down here.
Shut up or I'll flush it again.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgs for supper!
Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.

Mommy, Mommy! I HATE tomato juice!
Shut up and drink it before it clots.

Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire?
Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!
Shut up, we only have it once a month.

Mommy, Mommy! I HATE spagetti!
Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.

Mommy, Mommy! There's something in daddy's eye!
Shut up and eat around it.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!
Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!

Mommy, Mommy! Why are you moaning?
Shut up son, and keep licking.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I get pregnant?
Of course not dear, you are only seven years old.
OK boys, same again...

Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we get a garburator?
Shut up and chew!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's too tough!
"Shut up and keep chewing!"

Mommy, Mommy! Joey is biting grandma's nail.
Joey, stop it, or I am closing the coffin!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I buy a new dress?
You know it won't fit over your iron lung.

Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids?
Shut up and deal.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I brush my teeth?
Yes, now shut up and get the jar!

Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!

Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big.
Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.

Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we give Dad a decent burial?
Shut up and keep flushing.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon!
Shut up and close the coffin!

Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?
Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!
Shut up and eat your hamburger!

Mommy, Mommy! How will we ever find Daddy on this golf course?
Shut up and search the sand traps!

Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!

Mommy, Mommy! How do lions make love?
I don't know dear, all your father's friends are rotarians...

Mommy, Mommy! What is incest?
Shut up and lick.

Mommy, Mommy! What's oral sex?
mmmrmmph mumble mumble mmhhh mmrph mmumble!

Mommy, Mommy! I had just my first sexual experience. And it was the
guy's first time too. His dick was still in the rubber.

Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy bent over and crying?
Shut up and eat your hot dog!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy just poisoned my kitten!
Never mind dear. Perhaps he had to do it.
No he didn't, he promised me I could!

Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?
Shut up, you know that grandma's leg is no longer infested.

Mommy, Mommy! Why is my hair so slimey?
Shut up, you little snot.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like Sis!
Shut up, and keep eating!

Mommy, Mommy! I'd like to play marbles now!
Keep quiet, you can't use Grandpa's glass eye today!

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like the crunchy stuff in my pea soup!
Keep quiet and eat what is on the table or do you think I pour Grandpa's vomit
through a sieve?

Mommy, Mommy! Can I wear a bra now? I'm 16..
Shut up, Albert....

Mommy, Mommy! Sally won't come skipping with me.
Don't be cruel dear, you know it makes her stumps bleed.

Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a big head?
Don't worry. Take your cap and go get me 40 lbs of potatoes at the store.

Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a long nose?
You don't, but lift your head up or you'll scrape the floor.

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is how to learn to swim?
Shut up and get back in the sack!

Mommy, Mommy! Why does daddy have his Knob in the bread bin?
Ignore him son, he's fucking crackers!

Mommy, Mommy! How come sis gets to watch TV and I can't?
Shut up or I'll cut your ears off, too!

Mommy, Mommy! Don't push me towards the elevator shAAAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!

Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like Daddy's between my legs?
You will when you're older, Lucy!

Mommy, Mommy! Why are we celebrating Christmas in July?
Shut up, you know you have cancer.

Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.
All right, you can take another slice.

Mommy, Mommy! Why does Daddy's dick taste so bad?
Shut up and give your sister another tampon.

Mommy, Mommy! I just sucked Daddy and my mouth smells shit!
Well, your little brother probably has diarrhoea...

Mommy, Mommy! Why do they call me spastic at school?
Shut up and take your legs out your pockets.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to empty the compost heap.
Shut up and keep eating.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like fishing.
Shut up and stop squirming.

Mommy, Mommy! Can Sheldon come out and play baseball with us?
Now you know your little brother has no arms and legs!
Yeah, we know. We just wanna use him for second base.

Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller.
Shut up. I'm in the bathroom, slide her under the door.
[[Alt answer]] Shut up and get the maple syrup.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I go to the toilet?
Yes Johnny I'll take you in a minute.
Can Granny take me?
Why?
Her hand shakes.

"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."
"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."

Daddy, Daddy! What is queer?
Shut up and unhook my bra.

Daddy, Daddy! What's a pervert?
Shut up, kid, and keep sucking....