Parenting a changeling

[Blue Babe]

What happened to my Wonderful/Beautiful Daughter???
She used to be so clean & tidy, Had respect for herself, her elders & her parents. She has turned into a monster. Her room looks like a bomb site, her attitude to me stinks. She shouts & yells at me even in public, which is so humiliating. She hasn't done any of her normal chores for weeks. Am I asking to much when I ask her to keep her room tidy, do her own dishes & help with them when we've eaten as a family & help with putting the bins out?? Is that too much?? We want her to help with the lawns & maybe even make us a cup of Tea now & again. Her moods are like an on/off switch, literally, One minute she can be ok, the next doors are being slammed & lots of shouting etc.
Her father & I separated/divorced almost 4yrs ago & she has lived with me for the last two years. He has a New Partner & I have a partner (Rider In Black)
He wants to spend time with the kids & takes his responsibilities very seriously. (He would've made an awesome Dad for his own kids if he'd had any). He has been awesome with me too;-) Coming with me to see the school councilor & just being there when I've tried to discipline her.
Are there any other parents with new partners or even single parents suffering the same stuff as we are here??

[MyGSXF:Me]

How old is she BB??

[u4ea]

Um its called HORMONES.............
I have recently taken on another teen as well as my 16 yr old.They are boys but the same dynamics apply.I have found the friction starts when I ask them to do something.After discusion it turns out that they are just loaded with stuff ie:work,homework or girlfreind issues etc and feel any thing extra is too much to deal with.I use rewards and praise and always ask not demand that things get done.Some of her problems may be to do with the seperation and finding identity and where she fits in the world.For the mot part I dont make a big deal out of "events" or "sulks "as they pass and there will alway be another issue to deal with the next day.

[HDTboy]

Mum was having quite a bit of hassle with my baby brother (13) about a year ago. It got to the point where I had to sit down and have a chat with him.
I found out from him that he felt as if he weren't being treated like the adult he felt he was. I explained to him that being treated like an adult means acting like one, I also told mum how he felt, and that he expected to be treated like an adult, spoken to with respect, and as an equal.
With a slight change of behaviour from bot of them, they now get on very well, my brother helps around the house with a bit of asking, and mum helps him fend off the girls constantly ringing to talk to him.

It's a two way street, hope what I've said can be of some use to you.


Edit: Blaming hormones is bullshit, it's about respect.

[Blue Babe]

She's going to be 15yrs old early next month

[Blue Babe]

Mum was having quite a bit of hassle with my baby brother (13) about a year ago. It got to the point where I had to sit down and have a chat with him.
I found out from him that he felt as if he weren't being treated like the adult he felt he was. I explained to him that being treated like an adult means acting like one, I also told mum how he felt, and that he expected to be treated like an adult, spoken to with respect, and as an equal.
With a slight change of behaviour from bot of them, they now get on very well, my brother helps around the house with a bit of asking, and mum helps him fend off the girls constantly ringing to talk to him.

It's a two way street, hope what I've said can be of some use to you.


Edit: Blaming hormones is bullshit, it's about respect.

You are right, she wants us to treat her like an adult, but respect is a two way thing. She expects us to respect her & her wishes but in return she doesn't respect us or our wishes. I do try to treat her like a young adult, but then she throws in a 5yr old child tantrum. As I said her moods are just like a light switch.

[Mystery]

Hi BB
I feel for you! When my daughter hit 14 she went from a model daughter/student to a nightmare. She had made a lot of friends, who werent interested in attending school and were more interested in boys, staying out all night, drinking and smoking. Most of these girls had no respect for their parent/s. Relations broke down between us and things were a lot like you describe with your daughter. She was really hard work sometimes.

But like HDTboy's brother, she thought of herself as an adult and that we didnt respect her and were treating her as a child. We tried to explain things from our point of view, in that we were responsible for her, loved her and cared about her and her welfare. We had to make compromises and so did she. She was our firstborn, the crashtest daughter, and we had to rethink the rules a little. We encouraged her friends to hang out at our home (helped keep the room a bit tidier) and made a point of getting to know them. I think that earning their respect, made her realise that we werent so bad because, hey they all liked us!

I am on my own now raising 3 teenage sons. They are all great kids, but lawnmowing, dishes or any chores, causes a lot of tension in this house. Usually I ask them to do it, explain to them that I just cant handle doing everything by myself and if they dont move quickly enough or argue too much, I just think stuff it and do it myself. I can guarantee that 9 times out of 10, within 5 minutes, the lawnmower is taken off me or I have a helper to do the dishes. Perhaps guilting them out isnt the way to do it but for me, it works!

Please know that this stage your daughter is going through will pass. You will find a way to get through it and if you are there for her when she needs you it will work out.

My daughter no longer has black hair with red streaks. She is 21 now, has a great job and has just got engaged to a lovely guy! She calls in everyday on her way home from work and we have a coffee and chat. We are best friends!

[McJim]

I think it's just a phase - I got really untidy when I was 14..stayed out late, drank, smoked (well technically I started smoking at 8) did everything wrong - luckily never got caught by the police during any of my really dodgy illegal stages and started to calm down by about the age of 29 - got married and became a contributing member of society.

I've been a responsible adult for nearly 8 years now.

[MyGSXF:Me]

She's getting to the age of wanting to be independant & wanting to be an individual in her own right.. but hasn't quite got the developmental maturity to carry it all off just yet. It will come.. in a few more years!

Yes, hormones are playing their part now also!! pmt can be a right bitch.. at any age!!

Does she see her Dad regularly?? She's had a lot of change & quite possibly has the "you're not my dad/mum" thing happening with the new partners. It's an important age for daughters to have their dads playing a major role in their lives! It's great that your new partner wants to take an active role in her life!! but it will all take time to gel.

Are you all able to do some joint family counselling sessions?? Where feelings can be expressed in a safe & neutral environment? There are some great books out there on "blended family/step parenting" situations, that can offer some very helpful advice on how to deal with issues! Can you check out your local library.. or TradeMe for some?

I'm a solo parent of 2 boys, 5 & 11 1/2 & have dealt with, & am currently dealing with some of the similar situations. It can be bloody tough at times!!! Getting support from agencies who are trained/qualified to help, has made a huge difference. I have had to learn & accept that it takes a community to raise kids.. NOT just the parents doing ALL the work! Also.. have you got a local community centre/womens house?? They are a wealth of information & support, & can often point you in the right direction to seek appropriate help!

Hang in there.. keep the communication lines open with her.. let her know that you are always available to talk when she wants.. & without judgement. Keep letting her know how special she is, & how much you love her.

All the very best!!

Jen

[Blue Babe]

Hi BB

I am on my own now raising 3 teenage sons. They are all great kids, but lawnmowing, dishes or any chores, causes a lot of tension in this house. Usually I ask them to do it, explain to them that I just cant handle doing everything by myself and if they dont move quickly enough or argue too much, I just think stuff it and do it myself. I can guarantee that 9 times out of 10, within 5 minutes, the lawnmower is taken off me or I have a helper to do the dishes. Perhaps guilting them out isnt the way to do it but for me, it works!

We've done exactly the same thing, asking even telling, but to no avail & now just get on and do it all ourselves. So far she hasn't taken the Guilt hint.
It's very frustrating & I'm biting my tongue pretty hard, Not to Let Loose on Her.

[jafar]

It is a phase most go through , they start seeing changes in their bodies, boys are now interesting, social pressures from theirs 'friends'. In general a lot of changes & confusion is happening in their lives. The fact that Mum & Dad are no longer together only adds the the confusion, mum says this but dad says that & the friends @ school say something else.
The thing I have found that helps is spending one on one time with my children & my stepchildren, getting to know them as individuals, they then see who I am & I get an insight to their lives as well. No two teenagers are the same & the difficulties they face are often unique to them in a lot of respects but not that hard to deal with when you actually get involved with them & talk things through.
Time is the key to dealing with those that are teenaged & still finding their feet.

[mbazza]

Counselling by bikers, now there's a thought! Cheers.

[Blue Babe]

Yes, hormones are playing their part now also!! pmt can be a right bitch.. at any age!!

Does she see her Dad regularly?? She's had a lot of change & quite possibly has the "you're not my dad/mum" thing happening with the new partners. It's an important age for daughters to have their dads playing a major role in their lives! It's great that your new partner wants to take an active role in her life!! but it will all take time to gel.

Are you all able to do some joint family counselling sessions?? Where feelings can be expressed in a safe & neutral environment? There are some great books out there on "blended family/step parenting" situations, that can offer some very helpful advice on how to deal with issues! Can you check out your local library.. or TradeMe for some?

I'm a solo parent of 2 boys, 5 & 11 1/2 & have dealt with, & am currently dealing with some of the similar situations. It can be bloody tough at times!!! Getting support from agencies who are trained/qualified to help, has made a huge difference. I have had to learn & accept that it takes a community to raise kids.. NOT just the parents doing ALL the work! Also.. have you got a local community centre/womens house?? They are a wealth of information & support, & can often point you in the right direction to seek appropriate help!


Jen

Thank you for that much appreciated. She hasn't seen her father in a year cause he fucked off to China with his chinese Girlfriend... (Long Story!!) He didn't give either of my kids much notice of his move. My son had to move in with me which he wasn't impressed with, but now on Hindsight it was the best thing that could've happened to him. He's got a full time job & is boarding at a friend's parents place etc.
We are concerned for "Z" in particular, because she could do something really silly. Last week during a particularly bad episode she informed Doug that she had made "Other arrangements to be picked up after work". Doug told her to tell me, but she just stormed off to school. I realised she'd been txting her brother so I went to see him & find out exactly what had been said, which wasn't much in the end, but she'd gone to see a friend of mine & told her what she was planning. She was planning to stay at her brothers place that night, which we disagreed with because the argument should stay in the family home. It wasn't fair on her Brother or the family where he is living & she needs to come home & sort herself out. As you can imagine when he picked her up from work & turned left instead of right she was pretty furious with him & Us.
I rang her father, which wasn't an easy conversation as we haven't got on very well since the separation. He wasn't impressed & his reply was "I'll Think about it". Mind you he had only arrived back in the country 24hrs earlier. Doug & I then went & saw the school councillor, where we talked for over an hour & a half, coming away feeling alot more postive & stronger as a couple. "Z" reckons she won't see the councilor & if she has to go in the room she won't say anything, but we've been told not to worry as they have their means & ways to get the kids talking.
She is a little more settled but we are still tip toeing around her. There are other issues which need to be sorted & some of them we have no idea about.

[MyGSXF:Me]

Thank you for that much appreciated. She hasn't seen her father in a year cause he fucked off to China with his chinese Girlfriend... (Long Story!!) He didn't give either of my kids much notice of his move. My son had to move in with me which he wasn't impressed with, but now on Hindsight it was the best thing that could've happened to him. He's got a full time job & is boarding at a friend's parents place etc.

I rang her father, which wasn't an easy conversation as we haven't got on very well since the separation. He wasn't impressed & his reply was "I'll Think about it". Mind you he had only arrived back in the country 24hrs earlier. Doug & I then went & saw the school councillor, where we talked for over an hour & a half, coming away feeling alot more postive & stronger as a couple. "Z" reckons she won't see the councilor & if she has to go in the room she won't say anything, but we've been told not to worry as they have their means & ways to get the kids talking.
She is a little more settled but we are still tip toeing around her. There are other issues which need to be sorted & some of them we have no idea about.

That's a real shame about her dad abandoning her like that!! She will be feeling that rejection deeply for sure!! My oldest is dealing with the very same issue currently! I got a disibility allowance for him to see a Counsillor, & I found one who specialises in dealing with children & teenagers!! He enjoys going to see her, & we are also working on strengthening 'our' relationship too! I know we are on the right track with her!!

It sounds great that the school counsillor you have there is onto things!! Stick with it & keep communicating!! It takes courage & balls to reach out for help.. & it can be bloody hard work.. but hang in there, & things will change & get better! It will take time, but keep heart that you DO still have your beautiful daughter.. but she is hurting a lot, & acting out that hurt.

Be gentle on yourself too BB, you're obviously a great mum!! & you're dong a great job!! Being a parent is by far the hardest job on Earth!!

Jen

[Kittyhawk]

I used to be the same! Didnt help around the house, didnt participate in family outings, yelled at my parents - I treated them like shit.
Yes my bedroom was a mess, you couldnt see the floor either.

When I moved out things changed, I had to do it for myself. Now Im a neat freak, everything has to be in its place, I cant stand mess.

It's prob just a phase. Transition of being a child to becoming an adult.

She'll turn out ok in the end.