Rethink your Job

[Beemer]

How's this for politically incorrect...

A man goes into an adult entertainment store and asks the salesperson for an inflatable doll.
"Would you like a male or female?" the salesperson asks.
"Female, please," says the customer.
"Would you like black or white?"
"White, please," answers the customer.
"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"
This question confuses the customer.
He replies, "What has religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll."
"Well," explains the salesperson, "The Muslim doll blows itself up."

[Ixion]

The English say "Bless you" owing to the belief that a sneeze is the expulsion of a demon. The French say "A tes souhaites" because they think a sneeze presages a wish coming true. Only the Germans have the intellect to realise you are ill and wish you good health.

Face it, the English and French are nothing but a pack of superstitious heathens huddling in the dark - makes you wonder why they fought each other for so long, considering their obvious similarities

Cos those filthy frogs are DIFFERENT superstitious heathens. Jeez, innit obvious.

[mstriumph]

can't see this on here anywhere soooooooooooo

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp,
“Excuthe me, mither, do you keep wittle wabbits?”

The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks
“Little lady, does oo want a wittle white wabby, or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?”

She, in turn, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says very quietly
“I don’t fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck.............”

[Storm]

Top effort, I'd give the green but I've been whoring it around lately

[mstriumph]

..... no matter - public acclaim is good too .....

Top effort, I'd give the green but I've been whoring it around lately

[MSTRS:Me]

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins -
Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested".
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!

[MSTRS:Me]

Reason #34 for not coming in to work.....

[Waylander]

Reason #34 for not coming in to work.....

hehe The one in the hat looks like my cat.

[SPman]

An Irish priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says "No".
He baits the hook for the priest and says, "Give it a shot father.".
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it into the boat. The fisherman catches a glimpse of it and says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!"
The priest says, "Uh, please, the Lord is watching would you please mind your language?"
"I'm sorry father," says the fisherman, thinking quickly, "but that's what this fish is called - a fucker!"
"Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know," the priest replies.

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.
"Look at this big fucker Bishop".
Shocked, the bishop says, "Please, mind your language; this is a house of God."
"No, you don't understand," explains the priest, "that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this fucker!"
"Hmmm. You know, I could clean this fucker and we could have it for dinner!" exclaims the bishop.

So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the Mother Superior.
"Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My lord, what language!" she says.
"No, Sister, he explains "that's what the fish is called - a fucker!

Father caught the fucker, I cleaned the fucker, and we'd like you to cook the fucker."
Relieved, Mother Superior says, "Sure. I'll cook that fucker tonight."

That night, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it. "I caught the fucker!" the priest cries proudly." "And I cleaned the fucker!" cries the bishop.
"And I cooked the fucker!" finished the Mother Superior.
There's absolute silence, and the Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, lights up a spliff, pours himself a large whisky and says, "You know what? You cunts are alright."

[Beemer]

This guy was being a real tosser at work until one of the women turned around and said "you know what you need? An optorectomy." He looked at her and said "what the hell's that when it's at home?"

She smiled and said "it's a procedure where they disconnect the optic nerve connecting your eyes and your arsehole and improve that shitty outlook on life you've got."

[HDTboy]

DOCTOR'S OFFICE VISIT

There's nothing worse than a snooty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't p#ss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

[HDTboy]

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man, so he hired the
famous
chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities
while he was gone. A few days later, he received this
report:



MOST HONOURABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE
I WATCH HOUSE
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.  I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OUT OF
TREE.
I NOT SEE.

NO FEE.
CHEN LEE.
SOLLEE.

[placidfemme]

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man, so he hired the
famous
chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities
while he was gone. A few days later, he received this
report:



MOST HONOURABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE
I WATCH HOUSE
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.  I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OUT OF
TREE.
I NOT SEE.

NO FEE.
CHEN LEE.
SOLLEE.

lmao dirty lil detective that one

[Sniper]

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man, so he hired the
famous
chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities
while he was gone. A few days later, he received this
report:



MOST HONOURABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE
I WATCH HOUSE
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.  I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OUT OF
TREE.
I NOT SEE.

NO FEE.
CHEN LEE.
SOLLEE.

That almost reminds me of something.......... nope, its gone again

[HDTboy]

A rich man and a poor man are talking about what they gave their wives for Valentine's Day. The rich man says "I got my wife a Mercedes and a 3 CRT. diamond ring." The poor man says "Why did you get her both?"
"Because if she doesn't like one she always has the other...what did you get your wife?" The poor man replies, "I got her slippers and a dildo." The rich man says "Why did you get her a dildo?" The poor man says, "So if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself."