Friday jokes

[KiWiP]

Little Robert comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said little Robert.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

[Shadows]

I got fired from my job as a bingo caller last night.

It seems that "a meal for two with a terrible view" is not an acceptable way to announce the number 69.

[slofox]

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Beehive matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk...seems I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage...


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards. All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake - some of us have got homes to go to!'



Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what do you feel like for dinner my love ...... chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, ' chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'


Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Auckland.

[jim.cox]

Grammar – The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

[slofox]

Grammar – The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

Or the difference between "Helping your Uncle Jack off his horse" and "Helping your uncle jack off his horse"...

[Maha]

Or the difference between "Helping you Uncle Jack off his horse" and "Helping your uncle jack off his horse"...

...and, how can you cut down a tree then cut it up?

[slofox]

...and, how can you cut down a tree then cut it up?

Erm...with a chainsaw? That's how I did it last time...

[Maha]

Erm...with a chainsaw? That's how I did it last time...

Physically we know how its done, literally it does not make sense to those where English is a second lanuage.

[MSTRS:Me]

Physically we know how its done, literally it does not make sense to those where English is a second lanuage.

'to whom' ...
The BDOTGNZA understand that proper grammar is also difficult for those to whom English is their first language.

[Maha]

'to whom' ...
The BDOTGNZA understand that proper grammar is also difficult for those to whom English is their first language.

The 'Bum Dicks Of Tiresome Gratuitous New Zealandering Asphyxiation' can eat poo....

I think that on this occassion, my previous sentence is correct, grammatically.

''literally it does not make sense to those, where English is a second lanuage''.

36% in school C english fuck yeah!...

[slofox]

Physically we know how its done, literally it does not make sense to those where English is a second lanuage.

I was deliberately obfuscating, Maha. But I'm pretty sure you knew that too, eh.

[MSTRS:Me]

The 'Bum Dicks Of Tiresome Gratuitous New Zealandering Asphyxiation' can eat poo....

I think that on this occassion, my previous sentence is correct, grammatically.

''literally it does not make sense to those, where English is a second lanuage''.

36% in school C english fuck yeah!...

'For whom' may also be acceptable. You see - English is not totally rigid.

FF redlines a lot of words in your post. I'll see your 36% SC and raise you 62% UE.

And - damnit - I hate the "have to spread etc". Your post deserves a great, big snot-coloured bling.

[Maha]

I was deliberately obfuscating, Maha. But I'm pretty sure you knew that too, eh.

What you do in privacy of your office is none of my business..

[crazyhorse]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'

[Juzz976]

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."