"Roses are redOriginally Posted by Swoop
Violets are blue
I've got a knife
Get in the van."
Grumpy Old Bastard
"Roses are red
Violets are blue
I've got a knife
Get in the van."
. “No pleasure is worth giving up for two more years in a rest home.” Kingsley Amis
They call me Mr Fahrenheit
Another good pick up line is:
"Excuse me miss, does this cloth smell funny to you?"
Keep on chooglin'
Mr. Responsible
I tried that once, but using the underarm of my tshirt just made her gag and then she left
Do I need to use a different colour tshirt?
BogOff-Cant you see I'm busy?
The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a
rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in
his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?"... she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else ?"
said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the
man she charged $5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars
and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back
two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third
consecutive night, but he paid Valerie
and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me
three nights in a row. "Where are you from?"
The man replied, "New Brunswick."
"Really," she said.
"I have family in New Brunswick."
"I know." the man said.
"Your sister died, and I am her attorney."
"She asked me to give you your
$15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that
three (3) things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
Anarchic Wild Child
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
Enigma
Weekend cruiser
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
Anarchic Wild Child
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.The bear froze.The forest was silent As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
"Am I to count you as a believer?'"
The atheist looked directly into the light. 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well', said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.'
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
Hardcore Punk
Very good.
For a man is a slave to whatever has mastered him.Keep an open mind, just dont let your brains fall out.
BogOff-Cant you see I'm busy?
Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch.
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterwards, wearing a grey Chanel number.
After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Massey University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of Auckland’s leading law firms. They live in a $2m house in Remuera and have a second home in Fiji.
Sue relates that she graduated from Auckland University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City and they live in a $5m house in Mission Bay.
Mary describes her life in a 80 sq metre apartment above a Chinese Takeaway in Manurewa. She runs a tropical bird park and grows her own vegetables. Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect member.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Countdown, they live in a small apartment and have a caravan parked on the front drive.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people’s home. They live the also live in a small apartment and take camping holidays.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
Anarchic Wild Child
"So if you meet me, have some sympathy, have some courtesy, have some taste ..."
Off the wagon
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please."
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
Mr. Responsible
If they had the crips gang they would buy a lot of beer every time they pull their gang sign. (Morningside would be even worse lol)
Wearing Hi-Viz Black.
Subject: New Chemical Element.
I have just learned that a major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named "Governmentium."
Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton like particles called peons.
Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."
Have you seen this element?
TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”
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