What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

Got chatting to a real stunner of a girl in the pub.
We discussed the Ukraine situation and what Putin might do if Europe intervened.
I said he would probably nuke us and we'd only have 20 minutes warning.
She asked me what I would do if that happened.
I answered, "Shag the arse off of anything that moved. What about you?"
She replied, "Stand very, very, still"




What's the difference between my bank account and my testicles?

My wife is very fond of draining my bank account.


Billy Eilish said that America should send troops to Ukraine as a preventative measure.
Joe Biden says he'll wait and see what Miley Cyrus has to say first.



Usain Bolt is black. So is Linford Christie.

And there you have it. You can always trust a black man to do a runner!

[R650R]

“As a German I just wanna get some things straight...

The entire western world wants us to:

Build up a huge army
March through Poland
Fight the Russians of needed”

[R650R]

BBC pulls all reporters from Russia after Moscow criminalises “ disinformation”

Trans people are being stopped from leaving Ukraine as their gender doesn’t match passports

[Piper]

Why don't Ed Sheeran
and Adele to perform
a concert in Kiev? That
should make the Russians
retreat...
( I'd suggest Yoko Ono,
but the Ukrainians would
bugger off too... )


Richard Branson, 71 is
sued after 'deliberately
sending faulty rockets to
space.'
And yet his trains are so
perfect.


How do you make a Black
Russian?
Get the BBC to remake Dr
Zhivago.


The wheels of time rolls
ever onwards.
Ancient writing was done
on wax or clay tablets
using a stylus
Eventually tablets were
replaced by scrolls,
which were themselves
superseded by books.
It’s all different nowadays,
We now we read books on
tablets by scrolling, often
using a stylus to do so.


According to new
research, heavier men last
longer in bed.
But that includes time
looking for their
penis


I and a few other people
were approached by a 70s
pop group who wanted
to find a high street video
shop. None of us knew its
location. Come on. "Does
anyone know the way,
there's gotta be a way.
to........!!!

[Bikkie]

I don't get along very well with my stepmother.

I think I can trace it back to her wedding reception, when I asked the DJ to play 'Papa's Got A Brand New Bag'.



For Sale..
Two antique silver plated petrol lighters...
One empty £25.
One full £225.



With all the African and Blonde Ukrainian refugees coming over, the streets of Kent are looking like a Brazzers set



My girlfriend left me today.

I guess my future's in my own hand now.



It took Vladimir Putin this long to declare Ireland as "an unfriendly country ".

Anyone who ever visited Belfast could have told that right away.

I can’t believe Carlsberg are to stop selling all products in Russia, I thought it was a war crime to cut off a countries water supply.




In a new survey, 1 in 5 Americans believes that God steers the economy.

So mystery solved—God is Chinese...


I once hadn't done the laundry for awhile so I wore an old T-Shirt that read "Dungeon Master."

This gothic girl asked me if I was into D & D

"No, S & M."



Jizz's Russian leader metal shit container idea has been stolen by gays in celebration of Pride Month -

The 'Glad I'm Queer Poo Tin'.



BREAKING NEWS:
SALES of second-hand cars in the UK are at an all time high after buyers discovered they often come with a full tank of petrol.'




1 man with 2 girlfriends equals 1/2 a penis each...
(them having dicks at all could be a worry)


'...Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."
Mick says, "I had that done when I was just a few days old."

Paddy asks, "Does it hurt?"
Mick says, "Well I couldn't walk for about a year."


SAVE fuel by planning all of your journey's downhill.

[Piper]

"I'll be ready in 5 minutes!"
My wife letting me know
that I've got time to check
out that Director's Cut
Extended Edition 'Lord of
the Rings' blu-ray I bought.


When I go camping, I shit
into a metal container, and
recently I manufactured
a lid for it with Vladimir's
face on, to prevent
spillages.
And so other campers
know it's my poo tin.


I've just accidentally
Signed off an email with
'Many Tanks,' and now
I feel like a Ukrainian
farmer.


My car just made a
very worrying noise all the
way home that made me
feel tense.
Radio 1 played Adeles new
song.


The latest statistics
suggest that China's
population is on track to
begin shrinking soon.
Fuck me, as if them
Chinkies aren't short
enough already.


I just saw someone
disappear in an instant,
like magic.
It was a member of the
Taliban who had just
shouted "Allah Hu-Akbar!

[Piper]

The Royal Train takes
precedence over every
train on the rail network,
That's every express train,
every goods train and
every replacement bus
service.


The people who are
complaining about petrol
prices.. Have no problem
spending £100 on Lottery
tickets to win nothing.


So Andy Murray is going
to donate his winnings
from this year's tennis
tournaments to the
children affected by
Russia's war on Ukraine.
A fiver it is then.


The BBC have announced
the next Dr Who will be
black. He will be called Dr
Who Dat

[Bikkie]

My wife bought me a petrol cigarette lighter for my birthday, you don't half waste your money on fags she said ..
Its not the fuckin price of the cigarettes I said .Its just cost me £200 quid to fill up the lighter ..


What's the difference between hair and a trigger?

I've never pulled the hair on a black man.



With the fuel prices escalating, I'm worried soon I wont be able to fill my cigarette lighter.



"The wise speak because they have something to say. Fools speak because they have to say something"

Made me realise I've never met a wise woman




Male or female:

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off…it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed…but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object… Because to get them to go anywhere…you have to light a fire under their arse.

SPONGES: These are female…because they are soft…squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female…because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male… Because they always use the same old lines for picking up people…

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because…over time…all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male… Because in the last 5000 years…they’ve hardly changed at all…and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Male: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it…and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push…he just keeps trying

[Piper]

102-year-old great
grandmother reveals
her secrets to a long
life. Tequila shots,
Jägerbombs, sausage
rolls and Dominos pizza.
Are the things to avoid.


Petrol prices are so high.
That I could only drive
forward to the next
pump...


BREAKING NEWS :
SALES of second-hand
cars in the UK are at an
all time high after buyers
discovered they often
come with a full tank of
petrol. '


Petrol prices are so high.
That gangs are now doing
walk by shootings.


Petrol prices are so high
I'm tempted to get a bag
of coke off Delroy and run
everywhere!


Aren't Molotov Cocktails
chemical weapons?
Just sayin '


Sam Ryder to represent
UK in Eurovision song
contest.
Like most people I
thought, who the fuck is
he.


Iran has successfully sent
a rocket into space.
Iran is calling it a huge
advancement in not letting
women drive..


Paul McCartney' s new tour
is called 'Paul McCartney
Got Back.'
Think I'll give it a miss. I
don't really want to see
him tweaking.


If they're confiscating
everything in Britain that
belongs to Russians, I
want first dibs on Rachel
Riley.


Why did the chicken cross
the road?
Because a black guy was
coming up the other way
Obviously.

[Bikkie]

I have three blond lesbian adolescent Ukrainians living with me now. I receive £350 a month to house them...

And £1000 a month on my hidden camera website.


What does LGBTI+ stand for? No one can give me a straight answer



Does anybody else remember when BAFTA didn't stand for Black Association of Fucking Thieving Arseholes?


In recent years I've lost a lot of interest in the banking system.



If Russia invade Turkey up the rear... Would Greece help?

Lewis Hamilton has announced he's changing his name to include his mother's.

He'll now be known as Carmen Hamilton.


How do you tell it's a smartphone in a supermarket queue?

Because there's a dumb cunt talking TOO LOUDLY into it



We were watching this pretty young woman dragging, with difficulty, a heavy black bin-bag out of a newly built house on the site where I work;
"Bet she's just killed her husband"!, my mate said.

'Nah' I thought...'she'd never kill him at the beginning of the mortgage....'


- Naomi Osaka in tears after getting heckled at match.

Someone should tell the big Serena Williams type tranny that "boys don't cry"


I've had sex with loads of celebrities. I've also got a lifetime ban from maddame tussauds




I went into a pub and said to the guy serving, 'How much is a pint of lager?'

He replied, 'Five hundred and sixty-eight millilitres.'

Sarcastic barsteward.




People wonder why Muslim terrorists are quick to commit suicide. Let's have a look at the evidence:

No Christmas
No television
No topless sunbathing
Constant wailing from some tosspot in a tower
No pork chops
No burgers
No hotdogs
No bacon
No beer
Rags for clothes
Men wear dresses
Towels for hats
More than one wife
More than one mother-in-law
Can't shave
Can't wash off the smell of donkey
Wipe their arse with their hand
Cook over burning camel shite
Wife is picked by someone else
Wife smells worse than their donkey
The girlfriend's a goat
Then they tell you, "When you die, it all gets better."

No shit.

It couldn't get much fucking worse.




Woman: Why don't you want to marry me?

Man: Before I answer, let me ask you a question. When you were a little girl, who were your favourite bands?

Woman: Well, first it was Take That, then it was Boyzone, then The Spice Girls, and then I got into The Westlife

Man: And who is your favourite band now?

Woman: BTS

Man: And that's why I won't marry you

Woman: What do you mean?

Man: Because I know how fickle and disloyal you are




Just Started Playing in a Posh Rock Tribute Band They're Called BY JOVI




When my wife still worked she told me this black lady in her office was getting married and she was helping her get ready for the wedding.

"She's already got something stolen, now she just has to get something blue."



I only shave my cunt if I'm 100% certain I am going to have sex.
You wouldn't peel a potato if you weren't going to mash it.

[R650R]

Stuck behind a fat lady in supermarket que when her phone started beeping.

My son shouts out “watch out daddy she’s reversing”

😂😂😂😂😂😂

[Piper]

I'm looking for
a woman that
loves to suck,
but not
swallow.
I need her to
help me steal
petrol.


According to Bang
showbiz, Daryl Hall was
asked to replace David
Lee Roth in Van Halen.
That's a bit like asking
Demis Roussos to replace
Lemmy in Motorhead.


The Government are
offering people £350
a month to put up a
Ukrainian immigrant.
My wife and I have put our
names forward but the
immigrant must be a hot
blonde with big tits and into
threesomes.


I knocked on my
neighbour's door this
morning and said, "Can
you have my children? I'll
be no longer than a few
minutes, I promise"
"Sure," she replied.
I said, "Great! Get your
knickers off then."


As far as I know, the fine
for running a red light was
£100 and 3 penalty points
on your licence.
I got 2 years in jail and all
my hookers deported.


2020 - 2021 - you cannot
see your friends and
family and must stay 2m
away from anyone.
2022-please take in as
many Ukrainians as you
can.


I once knew a bird that
worked at Autoglass who
would let you do it in her
arse for a takeaway.
First a chip, then her
crack.


Covid regulations : You can
go places again.
Petrol prices : Like fuck
you will sunshine!

[Bikkie]

Mobil are to fit petrol stations with new smart pumps featuring a 12 inch colour display on which they will show pornography. The idea being you can watch other people getting fucked at the same time as you are..



Ukrainian refugees are coming!

Best flick on Pornhub so far this year.



The reason there is no male agony aunts.

Dear Andy,

As I left for work last week, My car broke down not half a mile from home so I had to walk home and was planning to get my husband to drop me off. Instead I found him hand cuffed to our bed while the sixteen year old from next door was riding buck naked reverse cowgirl on top off him I'm at my wits end and don't knew a what I should do, please can you help. Jennifer P.

Hi Jennifer if it's overheating keep an your coolant levels, or just dirt in your carbureta , get your filters and spark plugs changed this should solve the most common problems.

Credit Davey at work.


America has astronauts
Russia has cosmonauts
Jamaica has coconauts

[Piper]

Cyndi Lauper is reported
to be sick and tired of buying
the same herbs over and
over again.
Thyme after thyme.


While addressing
attendees of a St Patrick's
Day reception in the White
House, Joe Biden was
heard saying : "I may be
Irish, but I'm not stupid."
Oxymoron


P & O are using a new type
of ferry
Roll on and Fuck off.


Who Do You Think You
Are Kidding Mr Putin
If You Think We're On The
Run?
We Are The Boys Who Will
Stop Your Little Game
We Are The Boys Who Will
Make You Think Again
'Cause Who Do You Think
You Are Kidding Mr Putin
If You Think Old Ukraine's
Done?


Well the petrol lawnmower
has to go! Just spent
£300 mowing my lawn.


NICKNAMES FOR WORKMATES IN AUSTRALIA

Wicket keeper-puts on gloves and stands back

Harvey Norman - 3 years no interest

Sensor light - only works if someone walks past

Noodles-thinks all jobs take 2 minutes

Blister-appears when the hard work is done

Show bag - full of shit

Lantern - not very bright and has to be carried

Deckchair - always folds under pressure

Perth-3 hours behind everyone else

G-Spot-you can never find him

Bushranger - holds everyone up

Wheelbarrow-only works when he's pushed

Limo - carries about 8 people

Cordless _charges all night but only works for 2 hours

[R650R]

It’s just for two weeks to flatten the curve

[husaberg]

…when you have 15 people, and the 15 within a couple of days is going to be down to close to zero, that’s a pretty good job we’ve done.

President Trump
February 26, 2020

[Piper]

My ex-wife’s vagina is like
Ukraine.
A lot of men have invaded
it.


Prince Andrew falls to
second place behind P&O
in amount of discharged
seamen.


The P&O chairman sacked
employees with a video
call and looked extremely
Stern. Schooner or later
you will shore get your
just desserts for knot
being fair. Wanchor!


Breaking news
Several hundred semen
ejected by wankers in the
P&O boardroom.


UK naval admirals must
be getting old.
They have recently launched the
HMS Incontinence.


I've decided to enter
women's weightlifting
now that they're allowing
performance enhancing
testicles.


A big congrats to Richard
Levine on being this
year's "Woman of the
year," showing that men
are even better at being
women than actual
women"


The only way that women
can stop Trans men
dominating women's
sport is for all the women
to fold their arms after
the race, wait to be asked
"What's the matter?", and
reply "Nothing"
Then let nature take it’s
course.


Fuck Me! I didn't know
Stevie Wonder could drive
a Formula 1 car.
Is there no end to this
blind spook's talent?


I sold my Thomas the
Tank Engine train set for
less than I wanted at an
antiques toy fair today.
"You would've got more
money if that fat controller
wasn't missing." Said the
organiser.
"Yeah, you're right," I
replied, "she's good at
haggling."


If the "S" key breaks on my
keyboard, I have to get it
fixed immediately.
White House press
Secretary Jen Psaki.


My main hobby is the
Lovely tradition of brass
rubbing....
there's nothing as good
as getting tossed-off by a
prostitute in a church.


I could hear my wife say, "I
know you’re there, pick up
the phone.
I hate visiting day in prison.


The price of petrol is so
high.
That petrol stations
should have a champagne
room...


My mate has just come out
of prison after 35 years. I
was driving him home and
he looked out the window
and said, "at least petrols
still cheap, £1.65 a gallon.


My wife and and I were happy
for twenty years
Then we met....


Merseyside police
stumbled upon 56 drums
of petrol today. The
estimated street value
is over £12 million. The
drums were hidden in a
shipment of Venezuelan
cocaine.

[Bikkie]

White lives matter more.
We pay your welfare.



What do people with Alzheimer's never have?

A memorable experience.


Parents in Wales are no longer entitled to smack.
Great News!!
More class A drugs for the rest of us!!!



Smacking of children banned in Wales. They can still smoke the odd spliff though.





smacking kids is now illegal in Wales...I hope they don't make it illegal in England as you can't beat a little slap during a good shag



Serena Williams recently had something mentioned to her in an interview about the time she boasted about "she could beat a comparable man" in a battle-of-the-sexes tennis match, and she lost to 6-1 to the #203 ranked Karsten Braasch, an aging smoker who was also an alcoholic.

The Interviewer then asked WIlliams though how "she" would do against the #200 ranked men's player today, a guy called Noah Rubin, which Serena laughed off and said "I'm only focused on women's tennis"

"It's funny you should say that, because she's now called Noelle Rubin and you'll be up against 'her' next time."



I said to the wife I'd get one of those Numan kits to sort out my erectile dysfunction.

"No need," she replied, "I'm ok with our friends electric."

In 1966 in south-east Asia there was a bombing raid called Operation Rolling Thunder that wiped out a sugar processing plant and a toffee distribution centre.

And only 2 years after the book came out.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.



The law says you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden. How am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden.

[Piper]

Went to the new wham
themed night club in town
last night aptly named
"Club Tropiana"
All that's missing is the c!
I know I know I will ####
off, coat's under my arm!
( credit Jeff Fenners soccer am )


JULY: We are at a time of
pandemic; don’t travel, and
don't even see immediate
family if you can avoid it.

MARCH : Please open
British homes to 150,000
immigrants with no police
check or known vaccine
status, it’ll be fine.


The name P&O now
describes their new
cheaper labour force
Pakis and Orientals...


Ukrainians remind me of
Americans.
Heavily armed and have
trouble speaking English.


It's funny how the
meaning of words change
throughout time.
Nigger used to mean a
black slave.
Now it means a criminal.


For the first time, Viagra
ads are now targeting
women.
But the women aren’t too
happy with Viagra’s new
slogan.
"Maybe It’s You."

[Bikkie]

Posters on the bedroom wall of Debbie Harry in the 70's are responsible for the release of an awful lot of underage semen but not as much as the Irish priesthood


A new law has been passed in Wales that prohibits the smacking of children.

Don't worry fellas, it doesn't mention anything about sheep 🐑

[Piper]

Whilst traditionally a Duke
is addressed as "Your
Grace."
Henceforth, The Duke of
York should be addressed
as "Your Disgrace"
( Debrett’s March 2020 )


Prince William seen in the west Indies
gyrating around using primitive tribal
movements and then eats some chocolate...
nothing Harry hasn't been doing for years now


The milk in my fridge has
a longer shelf life than
a Russian General in
Ukraine.


Florida governor reject Transgender
swimmers win.
Finally, someone who has balls actually using them.


I've just seen yet another
advertisement with Serena
Williams where they say
"The Queen is holding
Court"
I honestly can't wait until
some averageish male
tennis pro realises he can
do for his career what
Karsten Braasch did and
just put on a dress and
identify a woman and go
and absolutely humiliate
and crush her, and then
"he" really will be The
Queen.


Disappointed with the
level of depravity at your
local brothel?
Should've gone to Sex
Slavers.


I know just the thing for
fixing things in Parliament
A flamethrower

[Bikkie]

I always get my tinder profile written by an estate agent,
so they can overestimate the size of my penis....


My mate Dave was telling me he thinks he's got a curved penis.

Apparently he and his wife had a blazing row last night, she cut his cock off and threw it out the window.

I said, 'What's that got to do with it being curved?'

'It came back', he replied.


Thanks to everyone for their concern.
First off, I'm OK though I was a bit shook up.
If you don't already know, I was robbed at Tesco's petrol station earlier this morning.
After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police.
They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof!
My money's gone, however.
The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them, "Yes, it was pump number 1.




Budget losers:
- Inflation to rise to 8.7%
- Universal credit to rise by only 3.1%

Budget winners:
- 5.6% real terms loss of income for the poorest and influx of Ukrainian refugees means that prostitutes will be 25% cheaper and better looking.


Jayz and Beyonce are having relationship problems, as she refuses to do anal!

If she liked it then she should've put her ring on it


Boris Johnson has said if China helps Russia in the war in Ukraine, there will be serious sanctions on China.

That's a bit like a blind man trying to swat a moth in the dark.




There are three English football clubs that contain swear words.

ARSEnal, sCUNThorpe and LiverFUCKINGpool..



What does Vanessa Carlton have in common with refugees?

She would walk a thousand miles.



I was watching an online video of an adorable Chinese girl singing a song in English:

"Low, low, low your boat
Gentry down the stleam
Melliry, melliry, melliry, melliry
Rife is but a dleam."

Or have we had enough generic Chinese accent jokes?


I can't believe the price of fuel these days!

Just paid £100 for a gram of coke



Every time I see a TO LET sign attached to a building, I want to paint an I between O and L to see how many people try to use it.



I'm seeking compensation for damage to my car at the local petrol station.

I've been to four courts so far.


Elton John once met my gay fucking son that wears the pink bunnysuit.

The big ginger faggot swooned, "Ooooh, I should have titled that song 'Let your son go down on me'."



My wife was awake when I accidentally wet the bed during my sleep.

She was annoyed because it was the most cum she'd ever seen.


When I was a lad I was once sent to a prison with this "Scared Straight" programme to try and keep someone like me out of trouble, which didn't work.

We got in there and this black inmate came right up in my face saying, "When you's locked in here, you is forced to drop the soap !... Now what do you have to say to that ?"

"Yeah, I get to go home tonight after we're done here scot-free and bang my girlfriend, and you're still fucking stuck in here as some bigger black guy's girlfriend," I laughed in his face as he could just do nothing.

[Piper]

As an overweight,
alcohol transvestite,
I like to eat, drink and be
Mary


Apparently 1 in 10 men
pays for sex, the other 9
just don't realise they pay
for sex.


I've now got that many
bumps on my cock that
I pulled a blind bird the
other day and when I got
it out she didn't know
whether to wank me off or
read it.


I've nicknamed the wife
San Marino.
Because she kicks off
every ten minutes.


Anti Vaxxer : A person
who isn't secretly shitting
themselves, every time
they read about yet
another sudden death.


Will Smith's marriage is
open to everything.
A part from jokes.


Phone rings...
"Hi, is that Emma
Watson?"
"Yes"
"Would you be willing
to prove that you are
a woman of your
convictions and not
an hypocritical, spoilt
petulant, ungrateful
backstabbing vindictive,
malicious arsehole, by
giving away every penny
you've gained off the back
of JK Rowling to charity?"
... click.


I saw a bloke carrying
a pint of carling! I said
" You're taking the piss. "


I went on a blind date the
other day. Then after that
we went and looked at
curtains instead.


Whats the difference
between Boris Johnson
and Freddie Mercury?
Freddie Mercury hung on
to his aids.


Have you seen Mick
Hucknall lately?
I bet he wishes he was
Holding Back the Years.


I guess the only option left
for Foo Fighters is to pull
a Revelation.
It's the opposite of the
Genesis, the drummer
leaves and the singer
replaces him.


Katie Price :
'Honestly, I see others
getting MBEs who’ve done
less than me, and I think
why not me?
Massive Bodily Entrances?


Kerry Katona flogging
used underwear for £5 as
she rakes in more cash on
Only Fans, more skidmarks
than Lewis Hamilton.


I was listening to a revised
version of Hello - Yes
the Adele song - and it
was great. I managed to
rub one out over Malinda
Kathleen Reese by the
time it had ended.


I was looking at some
pics of the cute model
Sofia Jirau last night, and
it certainly was not long
after that I was Flogging
the Hog.
I went and whipped
the wife around in the
bedroom a bit with some
black leather action.


Why does Noddy have a
bell on his hat?
Cause he's a cunt.
( Nod to Jimmy Carr )


What's the difference
between a black dad and a
boomerang? A boomerang
comes back.


Hu(man)
Per(son)
Fe(male)
Wo(man)
Dishwas(her)


The new Scottish sports
car is very good at
braking. It stops on a
dine. Then bends down
and picks it up.


The tank most used by
Russian forces is a fuel
tank.

[Bikkie]

What did the police find when they dusted Chris Rock’s face?

Fresh prints.


I was really shocked when I saw Will Smith slap that guy.

Don’t they usually throw poo?


The Fresh Prince of No Hair




I knew that jada Smith was a slapper, but Will?...


2012 headlines: “End white supremacy: we need more black faces at Hollywood awards”

2022 headlines: “Black-on-black violence at Oscars caused by systemic racism”

2032 headlines: “Only 17 shot dead at ‘mostly peaceful’ Oscars”




Will Smith's marriage is open to everything.

Apart from jokes.



It was just a joke, Will, keep your hair on!


Chris Rock sporting a nasty black eye and a fat lip today. Possibly



Statement from Chris Rock:

I would like to apologise to Jada for the insensitive joke where I referred to her as GI Jane in relation to her alopecia. Jada is a strong woman and despite this unfortunate setback, I know she will soldier on."


Good to see the Oscars finally tackle the subject matter of black on black crime.



It's lucky for Chris Rock that he's black.

If he'd been white Smith would have stabbed him, stolen his wallet and raped his wife.



Just heard that Will Smith slapped a comedian at the Oscars. They've got that wrong,he slapped Chris Rock.





'Will Smith Slaps Chris Rock at Oscars'

Now you know why you don't invite chimps to a posh dinner



'I got in one little fight and my Mom got scared,
I said, "Don't be telling jokes about my wife's lack of hair".'


Understandably, Chris Rock has decided not to do his routine about black people v niggers at the Oscars.


I nominate Nish Kumar to host next year's Oscars.

(Twitter)



nice to see will smith and his wife both making a pretty bald statement at the Oscars last night


Will Smith wins an Oscar?

Now there's a slap in the face.



Will Smith takes the Golden Globe for officially being THE MOST pussy whipped man in Hollywood just after Harold The Ginger and his Officer in Command/Spouse Megend Malarkey.




Did I hear that right Will Smith slapped Chris Rock in the head because his wife is a Slap head?



What film did Will Smith win the Oscar for?
Was it “Men in Whack!”


2022 summed up: Seeing a black man violently assault another black man on live television, then logging on to Twitter to see why it’s all white men’s fault.



This is now the part where Will Smith's momma gets scared.


The reason Will Smith slapped with an open hand is because he knows paper always beats Rock.


So Will Smith punched Chris Rock at the Oscars.
I feel sorry for the three people that had to witness seeing that on live television.


Welcome to the Oscars.
Ladies and gentleman the "best slapper award goes to........"



Chris Rock is left gob smacked


Will Smith's got a Rocky marriage....



Will Smith hit host Chris Rock at the Oscars.

Let's hope Dwayne The Rock Johnson presents next year.



It should be all about a beautiful portrayal of a deaf family and another display of science fiction, but lo and behold...

It's been turned into a black on black crime.


I've seen the footage of Will Smith's slap and I really think he's sunk to a new low. Any lower and he'll hit rock bottom



Will Smith hit Chris Rock in the face after he joked about his wife's hair loss.

He thought, "I'll alopecia that."


Now we know why Will Smith’s mother moved him to Bel-Air.


I would've thought Will Smith was used to his wife getting roasted in front of him.



"Your wife fucks around with other men"
"Yeah, ok, that's fair"
"And her hair is shorter than usual"
"BITCH!"



Will Smith has just been charged with impersonating a white police officer.



Is it just me that find it hilarious? He won an Oscar nomination for playing Ali, one of history's greatest ever pugilists, but in real life he fights like a 4 year old girl in kindergarten


I'm no biologist but Will Smith hits like a girl.



Someone needs to tell Will Smith that Chris Rock didn't direct "Belfast"



he got into one little row about his wifes lack of hair
now he's living with his Oscar covered in tears in bel-air




Will Smith got it totally wrong, if you want to beat rock,you only need to hold your hand out.


Will Smith hit Chris Rock with an open hand because Paper beats Rock



In Will Smith's defence he did find a way to increase ratings at The Oscars.


I wonder if he'll have to move in with his auntie and uncle in Bel-Air?



Mike Tyson is going to star in a new movie;
'The Will Smith story'




Will smith needs to take a leaf out of wasps book, and learn how to joke about his bald ugly wife



����
I got in one little fight and my mom got scared she said "you can't slap Chris Rock 'cause your wife has no hair!"
����


Even after that brutal blow we still have to call Chris Rock the winner because his wife isn't fucking other dudes.

The Fresh Prince of Bell End


Will Smith's a pussy.

Proper nigger would've stabbed him.


Gonna call Will Smith paper now because he just beat Rock...


If jada smith doesn’t like jokes about alopecia well...
That’s hair loss


Think Will Smith thinks he is Dwayne Johnson.
Clearly tried to land "the people's elbow" rather than the Rock Bottom.



Terrible acting being highlighted at this year's Oscars.



Will Smith should be thanking his lucky stars right now for his Black Privilege and that he's not a lowly white.




Was watching 'The Shawshank Redemption' last night.

It's weird how Andy spends his days getting bummed, and happens to escape by tunnelling into somebody else's shit pipe.

[Piper]

I think we're all thinking
the same thing "I wonder
what Ricky Gervais would
have said about her hair?"



Will Smith slapped Chris
Rock's face at the Oscars
after he joked about Jada
Pinkett Smith's skanky
head.
Adam Sandler
commented, "It's a shame
they couldn't act like
Grown ups."


The first same sex
marriage took place on
this dry in 2014.
For those of you confused
about the concept : it's like
normal marriage, but with
regular blowjobs, anal as
standard and definitely no
arguments about who left
the toilet seat up.

[Bikkie]

Apparently Gloucestershire is the most gender neutral county in Britain.

I had my money on Middlesex.



Black Wives Matter...

Can't jada Smith fight her own battles? She is a fucking skinhead after all



Apparently Will Smith isn't the only slapper in his relationship.

I'm not surprised Chris Rock is making up with Will Smith..

He probably wants his wallet back..



1998 - '...and the Oscar goes to... Good Will Hunting!'

2022 - '...and the Oscar goes to... Bad Will Punching!'



Chris Rock missed the chance to embellish his joke with GI Jane’s memorable line “Suck my dick!”




"Keep my wife's name out of your fucking mouth!"

But I can keep fucking your wife's mouth, right?



All I am saying is can you imagine if a Honky smacked a coon at the Oscar’s



To all those who complained about the lack of diversity in the Oscars,
Black enough now for you ..hmmm?


Quinten was looking forward to this year's Oscars.

He heard that Will Smith got up on stage and spanked a black knob.

Ooooohhhhhh.


Begining to think after all these years...

Maybe Will Smiths fight he got into back in West Philadelphia, was HIS fault and moving him was to protect him from hitting Rock bottom

In 1996, Will Smith punched an alien in "Independence Day"

In 2022, Will Smith punches Chris Rock to defend his bald wife that looks like an alien.




A locksmith works with locks, and a gunsmith works with guns...
Well, a black Smith won't be working with blacks for a while.


Ironic how Will Smith's Oscar is bald...



Making up up just 10% of the nominations, black people accounted for 100% of the violence at The Oscars...



There once was a comic named Rock,
Who took the piss out of a bald in a frock,
Her husband took umbrage
And became a slapper for her sufferage,
Although he didn't mind her riding some other bloke's cock.


So Will Smith's gone all the way from The Fresh Prince to the Oscars, and he's still got to be gettin' niggy wit it.




One thing none of us knew before this week, is that Oscar nominees get frisked on their way in.


Proof that the Academy Awards has completely lost its way.

Will Smith receiving an Oscar after acting badly.



The Academy is strongly considering revoking Will Smith's Oscar for violating their code of conduct policy.

Wow, that would be a slap in the face...



I got in one little laugh, and my wife got mad, so I said "don't be making jokes about my wife lacking hair!"


Will Smith next movie is a sequel.

HandRock


The roleplay in Jada smiths sex life must be amazing, Everytime Will Smith hits her from the back he pretends shes Vin Diesel


Will Smith hit #MeToo

(Jussie Smollet)






I don't think Jada will be invited to next year's Oscars.

It's not unusual for a nigger to steal things, but her shiny bald head stole all the limelight.


Slap for a slap head

Sounds fair play to me




Thanks to Will Smith fight club now has another rule!






Pretty women are like classic Italian supercars.
Nice to look at and fantasise about, great to hammer someone else's, or even to "Rent" one for a few hours of fun.
But as soon as you commit to keeping one of your own, you quickly realise that they're temperamental, need constant attention, full of serious issues that were well hidden until you got it home, and are so often financially ruining.
Once you can no longer afford to maintain it, it's usually tarted up and moved on to suck the money out of the next unfortunate guy too !




Grandma says her joints are stiff.
I told her she's rolling them too tight.




The Queen has controversially chosen Prince Andrew, to escort her to the memorial service for The Duke of Edinburgh.

Be fair. The Royals could hardly leave him behind to look after the kids.


Something for the conspiracy theorists out there:

If the world is really controlled by an über rich reptilian race...
Why aren't they trying to stop fossil fuel production?
I mean, wouldn't drilling for oil as a means of profit kind of be like grave robbery?




My wife left me because she couldn't put up with my depression.

Which cheered me right up.

[Piper]

Today's news is all about
Will Smith.
A Nigger committing
felony assault... I don't see
how that's news.


I'm surprised Will Smith
punched Chris Rock.
Usually black men shoot
each other.


Getting wiggy with it


Mike Tyson has been
announced as the host
of next year's Oscar's
ceremony


I've just recovered from
Will Smith's Oscars party.
What a bash.


What kind of racist
are you, the type who
thinks punching a black
man in the face should
go unpunished or the
type who thinks Will
Smith should have been
arrested?


Who won the Oscar for
"Best Slap Stick Comedy"
this year?


"Chris Rock made jokes
about my wife, so he paid
the price! No one talks
about my wife like that!"
"But Will! I heard Mike
Tyson make the same
jokes!"
"That's his business"


Ho got into one little fight
And his mom got scared
He said dont talk crap
About my wife with no hair


I've modernised Rock
Paper, Scissors to play
with kids. It's called
Spears, Brown, Rihanna.
Rihanna beats Britney
Spears
Spears beats Brown
Chris Brown beats
Rihanna.


Apparently Will Smith isn't
the only slapper in his
relationship.

[Piper]

Alec, the actor who shot
Halyna Hutchins dead is
to be a dad again.
Will Smith slapped Chris
Rock at the Oscars for
Joking about his wife's
hair loss.
That's two bald wins in
one week.


Alec Baldwin's wife is
pregnant. Evidence that he
was not firing blanks.


Alec Baldwin and his wife
are expecting a
child.
If there's one thing he's
good at, it's shooting
into women.


Hickory dickory dock!
My wife's avoids my cock!
She's losing her hair
And having an affair
So I had to slap Chris
Rock!


Black on black violence,
now live on TV.


Los Angeles Police Radio
Report just in 'Zulu Zulu
Oscar Tangoed'


Fresh Prince of belled.


Will Smith has now been
told much to his horror
that he could be treated
like a white guy over this
slapping incident of a
black man.
Evidence of his inner
whitey has been pointed
to such as his selling-out
for films such as
'Wild Wild West' and 'The
Pursuit of Happyness, `
and Eminem has pointed
out that Smith never
cursed in his cheesy rap.


Neil Young just took his
music off Will Smth's
phone.


I'll assume that because
Will Smith's black, his dad
wasn't there to teach him
how to punch properly!


What's the best way to
avoid public humiliation?
I don't know... but it's
probably not be slapping
the host of a show in front
of millions of people.


Will Smith is standing
outside of Jada's
bedroom when the bald
fucker is in there with her
male lover
"I better not hear any
fucking jokes in there!



Will Smith assaults Chris
Rock that some speculate
he did to undo his
humiliation and reclaim
his manhood.
I certainly don't blame the
Fresh Prince, he looked
like a proper faggot
singing as the faggoty
blue genie in "Aladdin"


Chris Rock vs Will Smith.
Like two bald men fighting
over a comb.


My town is a lot like the
Oscars.
Its gone from being a nice
civilised place to a violent
ghetto since certain
people were allowed in.

[Piper]

I woke up in the hospital
this morning, and
asked the Doctor, "What
happened?"
"Well" he said, "You were
in a coma for three years.
We are now competing
in women's sport, we've
spent the last two years
battling a mutant bat
virus, inflation is running
at 7% and we're on the
brink of world war 3"
"Shit" I said, "What date is
It?"
"April 1st" he replied
"Haha haha, you had me
there for a second"

[Bikkie]

When I worked for the postal service, at one house a big dog came growling at me, a woman opened the window, and called out,
"You'll be OK, just kick his balls."
So I gave the mutt an almighty boot in the bollocks, dropping it to the ground.
"No, no!" she shouted, "The ones on the front garden"

"Dad, how did you and mum pick my name?"
"Well love, often parents name a child after the place it was conceived, like Paris, Chelsea etc."
"That makes sense Dad, so I'm named after the Italian Ski Resort of Cortina?"
"Eh, yeah, yeah that's it, the Ski Resort."


Will Smith defending Jada Pinkett Smith's honour, is like me defending my wife's Mastermind trophies...



"Parents often name their children after expensive things, like Porsche, Saffron and Mecedes. Next year, look out for Electric, Gas and Petrol."

"Diesel never catch on."

Katie price shows off her big ring.

Too much anal sex you thick slag.



I hug my girlfriend really tight after sex.

That way she deflates quicker.



You know what they say about people who stick their genitals in fruit..
They come in pairs



Katie Price has had so many tit jobs, she's selling her old bras.

Perfect as garden hammocks for twins.


I've finally decided what I want engraved on my tombstone.

'If you're reading this, please pop over to my house and feed the cat.'




Some idiot vegan gave me a line of coke then started lecturing me on how animals shouldn't have to be murdered in order to fulfill selfish humans' appetites.

I said "a bit like how South American kids get murdered every day to bring you this coke"

Never seen a vegan shut the fuck up so quick



An MP called Warburton is pictured with cocaine on a baking tray.
Once again, a joke that just writes itself.



Showbiz news:

'New Will Smith movies shelved following Oscars slap.'

Bet he wishes the producers of Men in Black had let him keep that memory-erasing wand now.



An MP called Warburton is pictured with cocaine on a baking tray.
Once again, a joke that just writes itself.


If Jada Pinkett Smith has alopecia.

Does that mean she’s bald downstairs, too?



What's the difference between the Camelot lottery group and Manchester United?

Every now and again, Camelot will have a win after so many draws.









David Warburton has had the whip removed.
However, he found the time to snort coke off the ass of the prossie he was about to use it on.


Driver crashes new Ferrari after driving it less than two miles.

I have no sympathy for people with big enough egos to buy a Ferrari, id much rather drive a ford on the way to my yacht.

Germany get there gas cut off shame it wasn't 1942


Small time drug dealers will have to pack in growing cannabis ....

The leccy bills will be higher than their punters




What has my penis and will smiths hand got in common?

I often use it to slap black pussies



Some Anagrams relating to Will Smith/Chris Rock incident, Will Smith full name is Willard Carroll Smith = Willard Collars Mirth! Christopher Rock = Shtick Error Chop! Another one for Chris Rock is 'His Crotch Porker'!


How can you tell Lewis Hamilton doesn't have kids?

The annoying prick's still around.


Arnold Schwarzenegger likes to help around the house, he put a load in the dishwasher.
Nod to Bill Maher


What's the difference between Will Smith and my penis?

My penis sometimes has a mind of its own



Transgender cyclist Emily Bridges says she has been "demonised".

Surely that should read "demanised"?


All these cheating trans people in sports.

Especially darts. They don't even try to hide their breasts.


Ed Sheeran concert for Ukraine.... have these people not suffered enough!


What's the difference between Hunter Biden and Superman?

Kryptonite can take down Superman.



Q. Who has survived more bombs than a Ukrainian city?

1. Nicolas Cage
2. Mr. Bean
3. Bruce Willis
4. Eddie Murphy
5. Johnny Depp

A. Since they still make millions per picture for doing fuck all, the answer is "All of the above."



Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car.
Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving."
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
" You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, ”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.”
The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
" My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola.
The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me."
" What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola.
" I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."


I was in a bar in Glasgow and asked the barman for a large Glenfiddich. He said he'd bring it over to my table. 5 minutes later Alex Salmond turned up. I said "excuse me I ordered a large scotch".



I check my GRE score.
404，not bad.
but I dont know what meaning is "not found" behind.




In a recent series of revelations that are at a level never openly admitted-to before, Disney says that they are blatantly working in LGBTQ "Queerness messaging" into all it's films, and also that going forward at least half of it's major animated characters will be markedly LGBTQIAK++++

This means that of all of Pinnochio, Dumbo, Peter Pan, Aladdin, Simba, Goofy, Flounder, Donald Duck, etc,; at least half of these will take it up the arse.




The Queen has controversially chosen Prince Andrew, to escort her to the memorial service for The Duke of Edinburgh.

Be fair. The Royals could hardly leave him behind to look after the kids.

[Piper]

What does Vanessa
Carlton have in common
with refugees?
She would walk a
thousand miles.


I like my whiskey... 90 year
old and kept in a barrel.
Only joking 18 year old
and full of coke.


People are similar to
sharks.
All the Great ones are
White.


In nature, some reptiles
and animals have brightly
coloured skin or fur as a
way to show all round
that they're violently
toxic..... This got me
wondering if that could
explain why women seem
to get a fascination with
using vivid coloured hair
dyes and covering their
bodies in tattoos when
they start to fill up on that
poisonous feminist bile?


I tell women that I'm
responsible for a large
team of Web developers.
I find it gets better
reception that saying I live
in a bedsit with a spider
infestation.


Tom: "Excuse me, can I
ask you which month you
were born?"

Dave: "May"

Tom: "I'm sorry, May I
ask you which month you
were born?"


I have sex like I play poker.
All in after the flop.


Don't cry over split milk! I'd
like to meet the cunt who
said that.
Because when I was a boy,
I split boiling hot milk on
my genitals and I cried for
fucking ages.

[Piper]

Unlike the mens cricket
team today, Dot Cotton
has had a good innings.


You can't blame Will
Smith, he was caught
between a rock and a hard
face.


Anyone know when the
next season of WW3
is due to start, the last
series ended on quite an
anticlimax.


The 'no-fault divorce'
comes into force
TOMORROW for couples
who want to split
amicably.
My wife is waiting for the
'his-fault' divorce law for
couples who want to split
amicably.

[Piper]

What's the difference
between June Brown and
Freddie Mercury?
It wasn't the fags that
killed June.


June Brown will be
cremated next week.
That'll be her last smoke.


Good on June Brown
I'd would love to live up to
95 years of age sucking
on 60 fags

Oooooooooh..



Ireland putting a Bounty
on Putin's head and if that
doesn't work they will put
a Mars bar and a Twix
as well.


You know new cars have
that lovely "new car"
smell.
Do Tesla's come with the
smell of Elon Musk?


I saw a video on Youtube
where Will Smith
unknowingly mocked
an alopecia sufferer on
American television in
1991
It was literal bald
hypocrisy.

[Bikkie]

Some dodgy tranny came in to my shop earlier, and paid for his shopping with a crisp £50 note.

I inspected it and said "I'm sorry I don't accept counterfeits in my shop"

He said "I can assure you that note is legal tender"

I said "I was talking about your gender, now fuck off and don't come back"



Personally if I was married to Jada Pinkett I'd insist on an open marriage as well.

Must be like shagging Thierry Henry.



Year 2000: "Do you know the sex yet"?

Year 2022: "Have you decided the gender yet"?



Made a planter from an old used tyre.

A Goodyear for the roses.



I went on a date with a blonde last night and she mentioned that she enjoyed running marathons.

"Oh" i said "so what position do you usually come in?". She paused to think about it and then said "missionary most of the time, but you have to put the work in"



Judge rules Ed Sheeran's hit Shape of You was NOT a copy of Grime artist's track.

Pretty obvious to me. The Grime track was a good song.



This push to ‘Save the Planet’ has getting ridiculous:

Net Zero by 2035 will certainly not help the fishing industry.


A smile is contagious....

But chlamydia even more so.




I was at the gym last night and I noticed all the girls wiping down the equipment with sanitizer, so I confronted one of them.

I said, 'I hate all this, these unnecessary precautions, I wish things could go back the way they were.'

'We know', she replied, 'But it's better to be safe than sorry. . . if management catch you sniffing all our fanny and arse sweat off the machines again, you'll be banned.'



All men that are transitioning to women should NOT remove their cocks.

That way, when they start banging on about being a real woman, they can go fuck themselves.




Think I perturbed my dentist when I brought my own cocaine....


Max the Blacksmith called into the butcher's to buy his daily tomahawk steak. When asked for payment he tendered a steel facsimile of a £50.00 note and commented "It's fresh off the anvil and still warm!"

The butcher replied "For fucks sake Max, how many times do I have to tell you? No forged currency!!"





It's cheat day today, so for dessert I'll be having my wife's sister.


I told my wife about the big lottery win and that I'd be retiring from work

She said "I'm going to retire as well". I replied "Fuck me, you won as well".



Boris Johnson has said that transgender athletes may compete in sports like cycling or shooting but not sports that include balls



I bought a packet of those Islamic Party Balloons. They blow themselves up.



I wanted to surprise the wife by getting her most treasured possession rejuvenated at The Repair Shop.

Small tip, they don't do vibrators.



It is estimated that over 70 % of women have used vibrators
The other 30 % buy new ones !





True story:

My grandads biggest worry about being diagnosed with dementia isnt that he might not remember his family one day, but that he's gonna forget all of his black jokes.



My girlfriend said she dreamt I bought her a large diamond ring.

She asked, "What do you think it means?"

I replied, "You'll find out tonight."

I hope she likes the library book, How to Interpret Dreams.

Which pronouns does a chocolate bar use?

Her/She


The reason why you hear so many women today complain about short men, and express very strong preferences for height, is because most women today are obese.

She wants to feel small next to you, and that's impossible if you are 5'8" you weigh the same.

Men don't need to be taller, women need to be fitter.


I went to a christening the other day and the priest said there was a car in the bible.
Apparently all the disciples were in one accord.

I'll get my coat...




My friends warned me that my fiance was a gold digger and I believe they're right.

She tried to make me sign a prenuptial agreement the other day, which declared she would get everything if we split.

I point blank refused and in anger she bent me over and tried to shove it up my arse.

I knew she couldn't wait to get her clause into me.


My ex was a great housekeeper.

When we got divorced, she kept the house.

I was just hanging out by the vending machines @ work yesterday.

I said to the attractive girl I told you about I had been waiting for to come by - "Yes, I know full well my fly is unzipped."


Why did Luke Skywalker have a glass of water?

Because his urine was a little on the dark side.

This isn't the downvote button you're looking for...



So it seems the incident with Will Smith and Chris Rock was a case of saying the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time.

When Jada told Will he should do something he told her it was only a joke and to keep her hair on.
It escalated from there.



People are like clouds.

Everyone prefers the white ones.



If Jada Pinkett Smith has alopecia.

Does that mean she’s bald downstairs, too?



My wife is such a hypocrite.

When our son returns home with the police after being missing the whole night, it's all hugs and kisses and relief.

When I do the same thing, I get slapped and yelled at.



"I'll give you ten quid."

"Pardon?"

"Ok, twenty."

"You must think I'm stupid."

"Fine. My final offer, £50, take it or leave it."

"Sir...you filled your car with diesel, that's £82 please."

[Piper]

For every bloke who fails
at life there is usually a
woman somewhere with a
free house.


If you were doing a
William Tell re-enactment
with Queer Starmer....
Would any1 believe you
missed the apple with the
crossbow by accident?


Is a piece of sandpaper a
form of braille hate mail?


Some women have
penises! say trans rights
groups
If that's true how come my
'Man boobs' wont get me
into the Ladies loos.


I reckon the person who
put the Clit in Clitheroe
also put the cunt in
Scunthorpe.


You know women are
genetically programmed
to blame everything on
the male species when
menopause starts with
those three letters..


Gay Pride or Gape Ride?

[Piper]

Drug dealer charged with
possession with intent to
supply after his car breaks
down on the motorway
with £420K of cocaine in
the boot.
If they'd hired Keith
Richards as the driver the
court would probably have
believed the 'for personal
use' angle!


As annoying feminists
go Meghan Markle is
definitely an attractive
one;
As a man's rights activist I
have bravely glued myself
to Prince Harry's penis...

[Piper]

Fresh footage of Cristiano
Ronaldo smashing a
phone out of a fan's hand.
The lad is now Hands-free.


Will Smith banned from
Oscars and Academy
events for 10 years
after 'unaccessible and
harmful' Chris Rock slap
Smith will return in ten
years time with a movie
about slappers.


Mike Tyson : Punch power
1800 psi ( multiple titles )
Muhammad Ali : Punch
power 1643 psi ( multiple
titles.)
Tyson Fury : Punch power
1711 psi ( multiple titles )
Will Smith :slap power
0.0087 ounces ( Banned
from the Oscars for ten
years )
The Black power struggle
continues...


The Ukraine entry into
Eurovision should do
really well this year.
It's got Nick Mason and
Dave Gilmour playing on
it.


The first Pink Floyd
single in nearly 30 years,
'Hey Hey Rise Up', is a call
to end the long-running
animosity and hatred
between Russia and
Ukraine.
The B side is called Roger
Waters is Still a Dick.


On hearing the Queen
won't be attending next
week's ceremony due
to health reasons, Bob
Geldof has written a
special tribute song.
Next week sees the
release of..
I Don't Like Maundys
( coat going on)


Woman horse racers are
all the rage and winning
now. It's because randy
Irish midgets are getting
the horn and can't stop
staring at their arses.

[Bikkie]

What do you call a transgender whale?

Maybe Dick


What do you call a nurse with dirty knees?
The Head Nurse.


What do you call a Shanghai resident who ransacks shops?
Lu Ting.

(Surely we must be running out of coats...)



Where was will smiths backbone when his wifes pussy and tits were in someone's fucking mouth?


Breaking News: Scientists have discovered that being a 'strong independent woman' and being an obnoxious loudmouth, are in fact, not the same thing



13 is the new 20.

I'm talking about room temperature, you perverts.




Everything I know about women I learned from pubs

Liquor in the front, poker in the back.



Update on Loch Ness monster being a whale's penis, the authorities have sent down four skin divers to investigate.

“We will, we will rock you!”


Awe inspiring lyrics when sung by Freddie Mercury.

A terrifying sentence handed down by a Saudi judge to a whore.



The England football team are playing with no names on the back of their shirts to raise awareness for dementia sufferers.

The commentary's going to sound like a round of Bingo.



Boris Johnson and Rishi Sunak to be fined over lockdown parties.

Their accountants will be busy claiming it back for legitimate business expenses. Cunts.



I've applied for a job hanging mirrors.
It's something I can see myself doing.



Boris Johnson fined for breaking lockdown rules... Fuck me I've been in more trouble for driving in a bus lane and in my defense I didn't know my car wasn't a bus




I mentioned to someone that I'm fucking sick of organised acting casting all the iconic white roles with black guys, like Stallone's replacement for the new "Rambo".

Sambo


I've only just realised that Jada Pinkett-Smith is a massive fan of weightlifting and tropical birds.

She's recently got to grips with a lovely smooth snatch - and in the past she's been known to enjoy a cockatoo.



BREAKING NEWS:
"Blackheath area of London hit by civil disorder and a possible stabbing"

I think the clue's in the name of the area!


I never have trouble packing all my holiday clothes into my suitcase.

Mind you, I am a nudist.


I phoned my boss one morning and said, 'Sorry, but I'm not going to make it in today. My old man's not well at all, he's gone a really worrying colour.'

He replied, 'Oh, sorry to hear that. Take as long as you need off, and I'll see you when I see you.'

I returned to work a week later and my boss said, 'How's your old man doing now?'

I replied, 'Just fine. That ointment they gave me at the free clinic really did the trick.'




I'm trying to buy a bag online but I'm confused.

There's an option to 'add to bag' but it has all the pockets and handles I need.

I also can't see anything when I try to checkout.



Crispin Blunt, MP for Reigate since 1997 and chair of the all-party parliamentary group on LGBTQ+ rights. It's all in the name...



Having gender reassignment surgery is such a dick move.


When it comes to the pandemic, my dyslexic mate will only take advice from his sisters daughters.

He's following the nieces



I record & classify the history of my marriage in two distinct periods;
'B.C' (better chance of c*ck sucking) and;
'A.D' (Anal?...definitely NOT!) ..



Abdul next door wears the traditional Muslim costume.

Blue Adidas hoodie, tracksuit bottoms, trainers, gold bling bling...


Some women have penises! Say trans rights groups.

I don't know about that but we know some men are cunts.Say women's rights groups.




The wife said to me 'why are you still with me'?
I said 'until Jenifer Aniston comes to her senses I'm stuck with you'.




My wife said - "You never take me seriously!"

So I made sure I kept a straight face the next time I did her up the arse.



I'm sitting in my garage with a can of spray paint. Saying to it, "you will never amount to anything. You are useless and your life is meaningless. You are the worst can I have ever seen..."
Well, it does say 'depress nozzle after use'.


Prince Harry has said how thankful he and Meghan are for the $150 million filmmaking budget granted to them from Netflix so they can tell "Real Stories."

"I could never get a real job, it would fucking kill me."

[Piper]

The Brazilian army have
Apparently been supplied
with 35,000 viagra tablets.
This must make them one
of the hardest armies in
the world.


Brazil's government has
approved an order for
35,000 viagra pills for
their armed forces.
This wasn't a hard
decision, as they need to
improve their shooting.


The Washington Redskins
should change their
name to the 'Washington
Foreskins' in recognition
to all the dickheads in our
nations capital.


I'm all in favour of "Don't
Say Gay."
I much prefer to use the
terms Faggot, Cocksucker,
Arse-Pirate, etc...


Last night I had teeth
Marks all up and down my
cock, if you know what I
mean!
My fat wife tried to
fucking eat it again
thinking it's a Little Vienna
sausage.


What's 80 year old pussy
taste like?
Depends!


"Hi, I'm Jada Pinkett-Smith,
but enough about me, how
was your day"?
And that concludes this
weeks edition of Things
Never said in The History
of Mankind.


I wonder if Nan Solo had
a much cooler brother
named Drum.

[Piper]

Alpacin Caffeine shampoo
-'German engineering for
your hair!'
Anybody else concerned
about trusting German
shower products?


Claiming to be a strong
woman and getting upset
at a joke
Is like Ted Bundy claiming
to be a femnist.

[Bikkie]

Pakis listen to Sony.
Niggers prefer Panasonic.
Wops like Bang and Olufsen.
Chinks go for Sanyo.
They're all just racial stereotypes.


nod to olekunt.


I can't believe I got discharged from the Navy, all because I was 2 seconds late during a 21 gun salute.
That's bang out of order.


Went to the optometrist last week, he looked in my eyes and asked have you had any problem with floaters? I said well last week there were a couple that were hard to flush, but I don't see how that's any of your business

I'm suing Ed sheeran Why, did he copy one of your songs? No, every time I hear him on the radio I smash my head against a wall, and now I have brain damage



The Oscars have finally apologised for their tardiness in reacting to the Will Smith striking situation. "Had one of the involved parties been white, we'd have been able to react instantly to say which side is in the wrong."



Oh no, I'm late for the climate change conference! I'd better burn rubber.






I asked my wife if she'd like have sex. She got my car keys and started rubbing them over me. I think she was just fobbing me off.


Most people who get a Twitter ban usually have a moan about it then start a new account.

Not Elon Musk. He just buys the fucking thing.


Most people who get a Twitter ban usually have a moan about it then start a new account.

Not Elon Musk. He just buys the fucking thing.

[Bikkie]

At Windsor the Queen said; "Rich tea biscuits"?
And Meghan replied: "No, I'm fine nibbling on these ginger nuts"....





I see Yoko Ono has a daughter who sells Japanese dresses.

Kim.

A bloke and his young lad were on an aeroplane when the pilot came over the tannoy and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, we are running out of fuel and losing altitude and may crash. We need to lose some weight from the plane, so could you all throw out your excess food and drinks?”
Everyone got rid of their food and drink.
The pilot then announced, “Sorry folks, we are still losing altitude so can you all please throw out your excess luggage?”
They all chucked out their hand luggage.
A moment later the pilot announced, “Sorry folks, we are still losing altitude so I’m afraid we must lose some passengers. However, I’ve devised a very fair system. We will do this alphabetically. So…. Any Africans aboard, please jump out.”
Nobody jumped out.
“Ok, all blacks, please jump out!”
Still, nobody jumped out.
The pilot then said, “All coons, please jump out!” At this point the young lad said to his Dad, ‘Dad, Dad, we are coons aren’t we Dad?’ His Dad replied, “Son, shut the fuck up. Today, we are wogs!”




Bonnie Tyler, to be honest, I would get her to;
" Turn around, every time..."


What women say: I like a man who can show his emotions

What that really means: I love seeing a man upset




The word 'shark' was coined in 1549 when English sailor, William Michael Griffen saw a great-white swimming towards him and, in sheer panic, tried to scream three different swear words at the same time.



Putin's got some true wonder weapons;
His flagship 'Moskva' instantly turned from battleship to submarine.

The hapless Prince Harry and the witch Megan make a whistlestop
visit to the UK to see her Majesty.

A) To make sure she was still alive as he may not get another chance and
B) To get more material for his next, no holds barred, book on the Royals.
(Available at all good book stores)



If my sex life were a star wars character it would be hands solo



Meghan Markle was auditioning for the 'Queen Role' but she blew-it.....
(the wrong brother's c*ck).

[Bikkie]

Three tonnes of cocaine has been found in the fuel tank of a fishing boat in the Canary Islands.

In his defence, the skipper said it was cheaper than filling it with petrol.



What do you call an invisible black guy?

Daddy



The PC Answer to Life
A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how was I born?’ The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Zoom. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: ……
you got male



Mental health experts are now recommending that children start being screened for anxiety when they're eight years-old.

Because it can be pretty stressful down at the iPhone factory.

I'm sick of all these remakes of classic TV shows where they replace all the characters with black actors.

Look at what they've done with the new 'Fresh Prince of Bel Air' -

They're all niggers.



Elon Musk built electric cars and is going to Mars. Why's he even involving himself with Twitter?

It'll be like if an English prince gave it all up just to marry an actress from Suits...

Google Earth has released a new feature that allows people to see a time-lapse of how their neighbourhood has changed over the last forty years.

"Don't remind me..." said my grandpa.



Five people have been arrested after 3 tonnes of cocaine was seized on a fishing boat in the Canary Islands.

That's one way of getting them hooked.



Manchester United's defence has more holes in it than a Russian battleship.



Elon Musk offered to buy Twitter for over $40 billion so as to loosen its free-speech rules.

That's how badly white people wanna use the N-word.



To the tune of "Rasputin" by Boney M

There was a certain man banned from Russia yesterday.
He was big and fat with his hair going every way.
Some people look at him as a complete and total tit.
But to London chicks, he’s the father of their kid.

He would treat the lockdown like a party
Full of ecstasy and booze.
But he thought he was a little smarty.
So, he didn’t think he’d lose.



My parents are 114.29% Russian.

Russ & Sian.

Nod to whoever started these



Twitter executive - "Elon Musk wants to control what people know and what people think...."

"He can fuck right off," she continued, "That's already our job."





Missy Elliott has been doing some charity work, giving Maize to the poor at no cost.
She was last seen walking down the street shouting....
"Get your free corn! Get you free corn!"




What do you call a Shanghai resident who ransacks shops?
Lu Ting.

(Surely we must be running out of coats...)



When I started licking my girlfriend's pussy, it got pissed off and scratched me.



What women say: I like a man who can show his emotions

What that really means: I love seeing a man upset



Where was will smiths backbone when his wifes pussy and tits were in someone's fucking mouth?




Really struggling to find a slot at the local trans-woman clinic.


Dear Sir,

I fucking hate petty conning bastards who take advantage of your gullibility and also your money. Never again will I use online bargain sites. £50 for a guaranteed penis enlarger and all I got was a magnifying glass.

Dick Little.

Small Hampton.
The Netflix show Jimmy Savile: A British Horror Story.

Missed a Golden opportunity.

Jimmy Savile, Gary Glitter & Rolf Harris walk into a bar.

And then walked straight out as they don't serve children...


My wife looks like a French.

Sadly, it's a fatter version of Dawn French.

[Piper]

Vegans get offended
when you use the words
"beat your meat"
Me too, I often call vegans
a bunch of wankers.


I've started dating a girl
who's doing a master's
degree in literature.
She asked me the other
night what I thought about
Poe.
I told her I was a big fan of
his early work, but I must
say my favourite is now
Tinky Winky.


Hoe White And The Seven
Dwarfs.
Stabby, Thievey, Junkie,
Lazy, Dealy, Rapey and
Bangbangy.
Let’s see Disney make this
fucker.


Just got a new job as an
executioner in London,
got my new axe so I will
Beheading there soon.


My friend is half black
He's dad stuck around.


My cousin is 100 % a
Russian nigger
Russ Ian Black


The Oscars have finally
opologised for their
tardiness in reacting to
the Will Smith striking
situation.
"Had one of the involved
parties been white, we'd
have been able to react
instantly to say which side
is in the wrong."


What's that plate-like
thing they throw at the
Olympics?
Discuss.


I talked some shit in
"Diversity Training" when
we had this yet again and
the lady doing it looked
at me and said, "someone
like you is looking down
rather than up with the
problems you have...
You hate your neighbour
or someone of another
race or gender, when
in reality you should be
looking up at the force like a
greedy corporation that is
dividing you!"
"Great, so we can talk
about woke Disney
becoming all LGBTQ?"
"Get the fuck out."


I've got the physique of an
athlete.
Unfortunately I'm talking
about that of a 1970's
darts player...


What do you call an indian
cleaner?
dustingh
(. anybody seen my coat )


Loch Ness Monster
theory suggests
Nessie could actually
be a whale's penis.
I always thought
it was a load of
bollocks so I was half
way there.


Life's not just all about
laughter and joy there also
has to be tears,
( especially if sand gets
into your Vaseline )

[Piper]

Apple's Pregnant Man
Emoji is officially available
today in every skin colour.
This way people of all
races can show the world
they failed biology.


Quinten Crisp always
drinks gaviscon, he
doesn't get heartburn
though, he just likes the
thought of a fireman being
inside him
Oooooooohhh


Reports have come in that
Gary Glitter was in talks
in the 80s to join popular
group The Village People.
Negotiations broke down
once it was established
there wasn't a costume
available for a miner.


Apparently Liam Gallagher
would rather be in a
wheelchair than face
the "Stigma" of having a
Double Hip operation, Well
he's just going to have to
Roll with it.


Is it me, or are all
gays fucking arseholes?

[Piper]

DIsney opposes Florida's
"Don't Say Gay" anti-grooming
statue
A new statement has
been released from Disney
that, "This doesn't even
have anything to do with
Wokeness, but this will cut
nearly 100 % of the ticket
sales to our theme park of
adult men that visit solo."


Huffington Post _Florida
VS. Disney in anti-LGBTQ
fight, Ron DeSantis pokes
the Mouse!
Mickey must be one
of the %50 of Disney
characters that are now
LGBTQ

[Bikkie]

Quinten always takes a tub of Vaseline when he goes Cruising.
It guarantees a smooth passage.



I was worried that unfunny, Brummie coon, Lenny Henry had moved in next door, but it turns out I'd just misunderstood when the wife said that the new neighbour was fucking French.


I've decided to identify as black.

It's just that the bitch I'm having an affair with is pregnant and I don't want anything to do with it


Netflix stock price drops %35 and puts the future of the streaming service in jeopardy, in a decline that some ascribe to "nothing but uber-woke programming"

It seems as if giving a $150 million grant to Harry and Meghan, two toffs who have never worked a day in their lives, this kind of budget so they can tell "people's real stories," has hilariously backfired like the karma it is.



Ironically, blonde isn't usually very bright.



News: UK woman aged 102, credits her health to "Jager bombs, tequila and pizza."

Prince Charles: "OK mum, ready for bed?'



When she was my girlfriend she was my co-pilot.

Now that she's my wife she's my Alexa on everything...



Mike Tyson is NOT a big fan of religion. The Jehovahs Witness sitting near him on the JetBlue flight was preaching at him endlessly. He finally lost it and punched him in the FAITH, multiple times.



There is now a new dating app.

Where they match you based on your medication...



I don’t want Boris Johnson to resign or be removed.
Nor Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump or Joe Biden.

Imagine if we had competent, well adjusted and non-corrupt politicians...

What would we do for laughs and entertainment?



Sir David Attenborough named champion of the earth by the UN.

What a load of bollocks, even I could knock that old cunt out



This is a message to the teacher who said that I'd never amount to anything.

That was just a lucky guess bitch.



I had a dream last night that women ran the world and finally got equality in every aspect of life.

Well it was more of a nightmare actually.



I was late for work today as this black lady in the queue in front of me at Shell was getting "the works."

- Lottery, scratch cards, cigarettes, expensive liquor from the locked cabinet, etc.



[Dating]

Women: *shave legs. do hair. Makeup. new shoes. matching purse. perfume*

Men: Getting the beer stains out of the front of this shirt...





married woman caught cheating "thrashed by 15 men until she lost consciousness"...I wonder what her punishment was



My daughter's black boyfriend unbelievably says he's now going to try and attend university.

"Dis petty crime is getting me nowheres... I's got to learn some corporate white-collar type of fraud."



Bloody wife's put a lock on the internet and I can't access any porn, so I've got nothing to masturbate to except an old Bon Jovi album cover.

It's a tough wank, but whoooaa oohh, I'm halfway there. . .



Went into a shop called 'We Can Make Any Sandwich You Want' and asked for an elephant's tongue sandwich

"Sorry Sir, we can't do that" they said

"and why not?" I said, smugly

"We've run out of bread".

[Piper]

I don't see how Angela
Rayner spreading her legs
in Parliament would put
anyone off.
One more cunt on display
isn't going to make any
difference.



Boris Johnson has
admitted he is distracted
when Angela Rayner
crossed her legs, he said it
reminded of him catching
a glimpse of his reflection
in the mirror.


Angela Rayner, obviously
the leg crossing isn't
working, it's time to go for
the icepick.


In a vile display of
misogyny by the gutter
press, Angela Rayner has
been cruelly accused of
crossing and uncrossing
her legs Sharon Stone
style in Parliament to
distract the PM. The issue
raises a fundamental
question.
Where's the footage?


Angela Rayner has been
acussed of Basic Instinct
tactics to distract Boris
Johnson at PMQ's
To be fair to Boris I'd
distract me too getting
a glimpse of her sweaty
balls hanging out of her
knickers.


Angela Rayner condemns
'perverted' claim she
distracts Boris Johnson
at PMQ's with 'Basic
Instinct ploy' by crossing
and uncrossing her legs
as she can’t compete
with Boris's Oxford Union
debating training
possibly a challenging
mass debate.


With the global energy
crisis in full swing isn't it
time we refined the term
"essential oils"?


Not just spelling and
grammar, Google will
now warn you for using
politically incorrect words.
Well.... that's certainly
put the finger in the dyke.


BREAKING NEWS : Actor
Bill Murray has been
accused of "inappropriate
behaviour"...
Actor Bill Murray has been
a cussed of "inappropriate
behaviour"...
Actor Bill Murray has been
accused of "inappropriate
behaviour"...
Actor Bill Murray has been
accused of "inappropriate
behaviour"...
Actor Bill Murray has been
accused of "inappropriate
behaviour"...


Twitter Co-founder, Elon
Musk has bought Twitter.


Elton Musk bought
Twitter for £44 billion!
Doesn’t the stupid cunt
know he can get it for free
on the AppStore?


Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
to newly unionised
Amazon workers ; victory
is "just the beginning"
It's quite rich coming
from a cover model
who sold them out and
wouldn't give them the
time-of-day for years until
now.

[Piper]

What do gay people call
piles?
Speed bumps.


My gay son is set to make
his acting debut in the
new Tolkien reboot.
The little faggot is already
the "Lord of the Ring."


My blonde daughter fell in
love with a brickie just to
get laid.


I bumped into my Partially
Deaf mate in town and
asked.. "How's it going
mate?"
"Not great." He replied... "I
was on my way to the big
rock show at Wembley
last night when the glass
fell out the front of my
car."
"Loose windscreen"?
"No" he answered... "The
Rolling Stones."


In these times of squeeze
and hardship it was a
great relief when our little
one litre Vauxhall Corsa
passed the MOT test
without any issues.
Normally we put a couple
of hundred quid aside
for any work, that needs
doing. In fact we were so
pleased we've put a few
quid to the money we put
aside and will fill it up with
petrol.


My gay son has decided
to team up with an
aspiring singer-songwriter
to try as a duo to get
further past the X-Factor
auditions.
"You have no talent, what
do you bring to the table?"
"He writes the songs, I
lick the dongs."

[Piper]

Diego Maradona's 1986 World Cup match-shirt
has sold for £7.1million today ; it
must had some cocaine still
in the collar.

[Piper]

So the new Doctor Who
is a nigger. Who stole the
tardis, Who stole our past,
present and future..


At last, the BBC finally get
something right.
A Black guy in a Police
building.


Can't wait for it :
Doctor Who and the Darkies


The new Doctor Who will
be the first black man to
exit a police box uninjured.


That's all we need in
space another big black
hole

[Bikkie]

What does a fish like to smoke?
Sea weed.

How do you stop smoking sea weed?
Sea kelp.

I'll grab my raincoat.



BBC: Prime Minister found to be lying, he therefore must go

BBC: New Doctor Who chosen solely for his acting abilities and suitability to the role





The BBC have ruined Doctor Who by appointing Ncuti Gatwa as the new Time Lord.
He will only be able to travel forward into the future as everyone knows, once you go black, you can never go back.




Getting an unwanted erection is bad enough at the best of times, but in prison it's a real pain in the arse.



We were watching this black magician, and he was good.

"Just watch this now, " I said, "he'll disappear into thin air and never be seen again and become famous and a mystery. "

"How do you know this?" replied my missus.

"I've just told him his girlfriend is pregnant, " I answered.




I asked my blonde daughter why she was sniffing artificial sweetener.

She thought it was diet coke.

Credit: Some cunt with nothing better to do




Dr Who lands on Uranus, not for the first time lover......



From Doctor Ho.....
to Doctor Coon.



Me: Mum, I'm going to my girlfriend's.

Mum: Use protection.

Me: I'm 15.

Mum: I'm 30.

Me: ...

Mum: ...



Loving someone who doesn't love you is like waiting for a ship at an airport.



Just watched that documentary about the guy who grew a new penis on his arm.

They missed a trick not calling the show Handcock's Half Hour.



If you have a girlfriend you live with and hear a noise outside at night and are too scared to go, just be like "I told this girl to leave me alone!" and she'll always get up and check for you.

Stay toxic.



Condoms in Barnsley are like the Sun newspaper in Liverpool

Outlets may stock them, but no one ever buys them



The new Dr. Who has been cast as black as these coloured types know their way around a large box called the Tardis.

Also known as my wife's vagina.



My Dad?s motto through life was "Always leave them wanting more."

Great man. Terrible anaesthetist.



To promote equality Arsenal have announced that they are forming a gay football team.

The official name will be "Upthearsenal" but fans are expected to call them by their nickname of "The rear Gunners"




Doctor Who Dat?




That's the last time i call the cocaine addiction help centre. They told me they were busy and to try another line!



Paddy: "I hate this country."

Murphy: "Why?"

Paddy: "Everyone complains about the weather but no one does anything about it."



People think I'm upset about having a small penis, but the joke is on them

Because I hate to see women enjoying themselves



Dr Who my daddy?


Women: "Grown men", why are you still playing videogames?

Men: Same reason you wear makeup - nice little escape from reality.



Amazing how people say they won?t watch women?s football because the standard is so low, but they?ll still watch the Man Utd men?s team??



It's a Muslim tradition that Jihadists get 40 virgins when they go to heaven. Further research reveals that it may have been a mis-translation and in fact they get "40 Camels". Further research has revealed that Muslims don't care one way or the other.

[Bikkie]

I used to date a Jewish girl, but it didn't end too well.

One time I invited her round to my place for a curry.

She turned up and said, 'How's dinner coming along?'

I replied, 'Well, I've just put your Naan in the oven.'



'...Can't see what all the fuss is about;
The first black Doctor.

I haven't seen a white Doctor for 30-years.'




My heavily pregnant wife surprised me this morning. After mentioning a few gentle contractions she had during the night she said "working class people are racist" and struggled when I asked her what a woman was.

Looks like she's finally going into Labour.



My wife said she wanted to try a Rampant Rabbit in the bedroom.

So I got Flopsy out of his hutch and gave him a line of speed.




News: 500kg of cocaine found in coffee shipment to Nespresso factory.

I'm going to miss my "flat white" every morning.



I'll never forget the day I met Ugly Spice.

"I'm actually fucking called Scary Spice," said Mel B, the day I torpedoed both my long-shot chances with her and my fucking X-Factor audition.

[Bikkie]

Actress Zoe Wanamaker is 73 today.
I almost Wanamaker a birthday
cake.
Then smear it all over my
cock and balls and make
her lick it off as I shove 73
candles up her arse whilst
singing "Happy birthday to
you"




I went speed dating the
other day.It was going
well until the speed kicked
in and then I just started
talking absolute bollocks!




I've been trying to contact
TOTO support for 2 days
now but can never get
through to someone.
Every time you call up it
just tells you to hold the
line.

[Bikkie]

After failing to address Parliament,the Queen has
recovered sufficiently to
attend the Royal Windsor
Horse Show.
To be fair,she doesn't
often get to see Anne and
Camilla.


I'm chilling with the Wife tonight.

I've switched the central heating off !!




It took me a few attempts to get today's five letter Wordle solution, but I got there in the end...
'Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis'



Madonna: Fans baffled by pop star?s 3D model of her vagina in new series of NFTs.

To be honest i thought it was a bit bizarre & thought I accidentally tuned into the making of the channel tunnel

[Bikkie]

You've got to feel sorry for parents these days. They've got to explain all about the birds and the bees, the birds and the birds, the bees and the bees, the birds that used to be bees that still like birds, the bees that used to be birds that actually prefer bees, the birds that have stripes like a bee but can't make up their mind whether they are a bird or a bee and the bees that now look like birds but still have a little prick.


A convertible roof is a bit like foreskin.

Pull it back & you?ll see a bellend.

Do Amish women know it?s a romantic candlelit dinner or figure it's just a regular dinner?


I've just started a business serving refreshments on board a cruise liner. Teas and seas apply



Blackpool f.c have really improved on their keepy uppies recently. It must be all the practice they're doing in the shower with the soap


Robin Hood: - "Fuck me that Marian looks pure filth. I bet she'd be well up for taking it up the shitter in that forest nearby, wouldn't you?"

Friar Tuck: - "Sherwood"

Robin Hood - "Yeah well tough shit I saw her first"

Jake Daniels has been very vocal about being gay

However, he is less forthcoming as to why the fuck we all need to know



I was going to go and watch jake Daniels playing for Blackpool but there's no tickets left. Bummer



Note to the clubbers of Blackpool:

Backs against the walls when Jake Daniels turns 18.


I'm sure Jake Daniels would rather be the Blackpool goalie than a forward.

He'd have 10 arseholes in front of him then.



Blackpool FC have just said that they won't be taking the knee next season, except for Jake Daniels who has announced that he will be taking both knees.


Ritchie Blackmore from Rainbow: I drink Jack Daniels and head bang to hard rock.
Ritchie Rainbow from Blackpool: I drink Jake Daniels and head bang his hard cock.


Apparently with all the media attention this gay footballer is getting Victoria Beckham has been following her husband around the house for the past two days yelling "Don't even think about it!"



Life Hack: If you type ?I?m out with the lads in Blackpool drinking Jack Daniels,? be sure to turn off predictive texting.



Well now we know?pre-game support for BLM isn?t the only time on a Saturday Jake Daniels takes a knee.


I'd like to start the ball rolling by offering my support and congratulations to the first, brave, professional female 'footballer' who openly admits she's straight.


Now that Jake Daniels has come out it adds new meaning to the terms "Man On" & "I'm Sticking You Up Front"



Maybe now some of the women footballers will have the courage and bravery to come out as Straight.



When Jake Daniels is in space on the wing will he shout "I'm free"?


Blackpool's Jake Daniels is a secret gooner.

He loves it up the Arsenal.



Jake Daniels has been talking about his favourite kind of tackle.

It's when he can go sliding in from behind.



Jake Daniels said he always watched England play football especially when seaman passed to Butt.



Blackpool F.C (faggot club)




If quintencrisp was Blackpool's manager he'd definitely pull Jake Daniels off at half time



I reckon Newcastle United fc should all come out as gay, the way they shafted Arsenal fc last night.




England's 1st gay professional footballer says "its his dream to play for Arsenal".


England's 1st gay professional footballer says he loves to get stuck into the opposition.



2 things not to say in Blackpool's player lounge..

1- bottoms up.
2 - can I push your stool in.




In 2013...

"Hello Mrs. Daniels, is Jake coming out?"

"Fuck off Johnny, he likes girls."



Well done Jake Daniels for showing that every category of person is welcome in modern day football.

Such as egotistical "look at me!!" woke cunts.




Every Championship manager's team talk next season ...

"OK lads, we're up against Blackpool tonight and Jake Daniels is playing up front for them, so it looks like we'll have to keep things tight at the back"

[Bikkie]

Queen and Adam Lambert to perform at Jubilee concert.

Funny how her mobility issues are forgotten when it's an event she can actually be bothered attending.



Having a candlelit dinner with the wife tonight.

The electric bill's just arrived.



British couple Joe and Jess Thwaite winners of ?184,000,000 on the Euro are going to pay their quarterly electricity bill first then share out the thousand pound that's left with their family.



Prince Phillip snacked on a beaver tail in Ottawa, Canada.
First piece of tail in how long?



In the news:

The Americans have confessed to having recorded 400 different instances of UFOs bugging their country

Hollywood have said that none of those movies were in production yet, so how did they know?

[Bikkie]

I got my cock out today and showed it to my doctor, telling him I think it may be monkeypox.
He looked disgusted and refused to touch it so I left him alone to continue shopping with his wife and two kids.


Apparently, in their relationship, Amber Heard was the only one who gave a shit,


What does a Jedi Master have for breakfast in Italy?

Only one cannoli.


I'd only been going out with my new girlfriend for a day when she accused me of cheating and broke it off.
Last time I date a conjoined twin.

FINALLY! THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES.

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.

She dug through her handbag and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What's it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her handbag, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realise you were a cop."



Just saw an advert for a Jubilee celebration candle, in the shape of the Queen.

Genius! Royalists and republicans will all want one!



My neighbour has recently opened an 80?s music themed gay bar and he?s been asking about for suggestions as to what he should call it.

Turns out he wasn't a fan of Beers for Queers.



What does a fish from my local chip shop and Lucy Worsley have in common?

Just give me five minutes with Lucy and her minge will be well and truly battered.

That also goes with her back minge.

Phoooor



That shite band N DubZ are doing a reunion tour.

Their songs were passed round via Bluetooth like an STD, kind of like their female singer.



Monkey Pox is another thing that so called conspiracy theorists predicted.

They've been going: WHO! WHO! WHO! for the last 2 years.



Just been listening to a deep and meaningful conversation in the pub between four hipsters who were watching the Birmingham Athletics on the TV and discussing how black athletes overcome racism and work so hard to be physically fit and at the top of their game.
I quietly reminded them that those huge twin-nozzle air intakes in the middle of their faces might also play a part.



Doctor Who casts its first trans actress to play Billie Piper's iconic Rose .....

Billy with a willy.



After seeing an article encouraging parents to read stories containing black characters to their children to give them a better understanding of different cultures, I thought I'd give it a try.
"No, that's wrong," my daughter said, "It's Goldilocks and the THREE Bears, silly."
"No darling," I corrected her, "You see, the bears in this story are black bears so Daddy Bear had fucked off LONG before Baby Bear was born."



Ever since the tories have been in power, things are looking up!

Petrol is up, food prices are up, inflation is up, Interest rates are up



Elon Musk denies sexual misconduct allegations and has challenged his accuser to verify the claims by describing his intimate body parts.

No doubt he wants her to say "Well I can see why they call him eel-on."




Elon Musk Allegedly
Exposed Erect Penis to
SpaceX Employee; Report

'Yeah,I want the rocket to
look just like this...'



My daughter got married to her useless jigaboo boyfriend last weekend, and as I'm the only one in the family that has any money, I hired the DJ.

I had him play "Detachable Penis" by King Missile as every other song. My family was fucking livid.

There was nothing the remoaning fuckers could do though as I just said, "He who pays the piper, calls the tune."



Amateur baker Gemma won the prize of platinum pudding for her trifle after she ?beat off 5000 other contestants?

Dirty bastard


"Germany prepares for gas rationing" (The Telegraph)

Think you're about 80 years too late with this plan lads.



It's impossible for black people to do research regarding their family tree.

As they've all been chopped down.



'...A dog and a cat are having an argument about who is the favourite of humans.

The dog says, "Humans like us more. They have even named a tooth (canine) after us.
Naming such an important body part after us shows they like us more."

The cat smiles and says, "You are really not going to win this one you know.



"Seven treated for
breathing problems at
Birmingham Sainbury's"
They must have seen how
much the Avocados have
gone up in price.




If women in blackface
had their way,we'd be
watching "The Red And
White Menstrual Show."




HOLLYWOOD: Why not
make an action movie
for the masculine
testosterone filled gay
community?
Maybe call it 'Bottom Gun.'

[Bikkie]

BREAKING NEWS: (Daily Express UK)

Meghan and Harry send California crowd wild as Duchess kisses Duke at charity polo match.

Harry plays Polo and Meghan Markle is known as the mint with the hole.



The local bakery is expanding and hiring more staff. They have several roles that need filling.


I'm going to eat different types of bread all week.
Roll on Friday.


Just been sacked from my post as head of Climate research at East Anglia University.

All I said was: Is it just me, or has it turned a bit nippy?.



I was in my local last week near closing, the bar had just about emptied and there were three of us remaining. one of the lads said "I cant believe I am sitting here with two useless, fat lazy cunts." I answered, "Neither can i "

[Bikkie]

'It's my party, and I'll lie if I want to.'

-Boris Johnson


The BBC have apologised for 'Man United are shit' appearing on the screen during a broadcast,

Typical BBC, they finally report a true fact and then have to apologise for it.


From now on you have to ask for Viagra by its full medical name.

Mycoxafloppin.
I just used the wrong pronouns on someone. They had a right trantrum



Online news from Guardian said a guy who was totally blind with an assistance dog was asked to leave store by a security guard. The guard told the man to get out store three times until the guy asked to see the manager. Now either the Guardian reporter didn?t get the quote right or the blind guy was being very optimistic.



How do you confuse a Chinese Kid?

Give him a puppy as a Table present at Christmas...


Turns out the Chinese government has a huge facial recognition database of its population.

That's either the most complicated piece of software ever created or the least complicated piece of software ever created.


The council refused us permission to close our road for a Jubilee street party. So lateral thinking was required.

We're paying druggies to glue themselves to the road, pretending to be Extinction Rebellion, until we finish.


????When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother "what will I be?"????

She refused to answer on the grounds that assigning gender will probably be a crime in future and retroactively prosecutable.


A senior member of the royal family attends the Chelsea flower show and a coon ends up in a pond.

Just saying! (Perhaps it wasn't all Prince Philip).



My mate said to me "you should get vaccinated, because unvaccinated people are putting vaccinated people at risk"

So I said "so then if I got vaccinated, would they be putting me at risk?"

My dyslexic mate has just joined tinder! He hasn't found any dates yet, only chocolate eggs with little toys inside


My new girlfriend broke up with me over radio. She gave me a long distance radio so we can always talk to each other.

Me: Hey, how's it going? Roger.

Her: Hey. It's actually over. Over.

Harsh, but direct.


I met an Italian Mafia boss who lives in Yorkshire and controls the UK sugar market.

He's the Doncaster.


What do you call a white guy with a knife?

A chef.


I don?t fucking care if Boris has been photographed sniffing coke off Priti Patels tits with a bottle of Bolly in his other hand & a poxy banana stuck up his arse?

?he is still infinitely preferable to Egg n Spoon & Jak Raki loving Labour alternatives.

[Bikkie]

NeWater Brewery in Singapore is turning recycled urine into beer, unlike Fosters who have been doing it the other way around for years.



I got stoned and I missed it.
Having Muslim neighbors sure does make the neighborhood more exciting.



'...SCREW with yourself when old and suffering from Alzheimer's by hanging a Batman costume in your wardrobe NOW!'

If drawing cartoon pictures of Muhammad would get me killed, would making a live action movie start a war??


Her: The ratio of beautiful women to good-looking men is a disgrace!

Me: The tables turn dramatically after 35. I don't make the rules.



My Mother went out a few weeks ago and had a pint of Inch's cider and said it was amazing.

Going on her comments I bought a four pack for when my Father came over the other night. I managed one can as did my Father as it wasn't great to be honest. So earlier today I gave my Mother a couple of Inch's.



Boris Johnson: There were no lockdown parties in No. 10, only special celebratory operations.



There are a growing number of nuns joining TikTok to show what life in a convent's really like.

Because when the Catholic Church tries to connect with the young, it always goes well.


Taylor Swift gave a commencement address at New York University's graduation ceremony last week, because university's a lot like breaking up with Taylor Swift:

You're still gonna be paying for it decades later.


I stopped at the petrol station to put air in my tyres. I asked the guy for 50p and he said " it's ?1 now"
Fucking inflation.


African-Americans are very successful.

Look what Elon Musk has achieved


I got asked if I would stand up when they played 'God Save The Queen' at the street Jubilee party.


"Of course I will, " I replied, " you can't sit down to the Sex Pistols. "


A friend arrived home exhausted from an all-night orgy, her dress splattered with the semen of several different men.
Looking despairingly at the washing machine, she asked me:
?Which setting will be best in order to remove all these stains??
?Try Mixed Load? I replied.

I was reading a historical report which stated that before the end of slavery in America, a survey was conducted on black slaves which asked if given the choice of material for their clothes which material would they prefer.

85% of them picked cotton.



Don't forget to tune into the LGBTQ2++TV channel today. Here are the listings:

11am Listen With Parent
11.30 Rainbow
12.30 Trans World Sports
2pm Loose People
3pm Countdownsyndrome
4pm Batperson and Robin
5pm Spiderperson
6pm Feminist news
6.30 Mr. and Mr.
7.00 Mrs. and Mrs.
7.30 Ms and Ms
8.00 They and They
8.30 Straight Eye For The Queer Guy
9.00 Demonstration Watch
10.00 Repo Person
10.30 Not Going Straight
10.45 Person About The House
11.15 Portrait Autist Of The Year
11.45 Landscape Autist Of The Year


My holiday in Ibiza didn't quite go as planned:

'Hey girls, how ya doin'? Listen, to be honest I just wanna get my dick wet.'

They shoved me in the pool.



My best friend is black.

He's my prime mate.


Chinese facial recognition is already working wonders, it has identified a miracle man who was seen at 40000 different places at the same time.

[Bikkie]

I bought one of those origami sex dolls the other day and on the instructions it said,pull the flaps open wide and insert fingers tightly.
I thought that's a tad presumptuous,what I get up to with my sex doll is my own business.




I just signed up for an online Jewish matchmaking service.
They told me I'll have to provide the wood and sulphur myself.




"Cannnabis changes people"
It sure does; it changed one of my neighbours into a multimillionaire and another into a prisoner.




My girlfriend asked if I would go and see saw with her.
I was fucking gutted when we drove straight past the playground and pulled up at the cinema.





Ironically,blonde isn't usually very bright.




The wife's just seen the Hills Have Eyes
for the first time.
I'm not saying she's thick.
But she said she thought it was
about drug runnres being chased by
cops in Colombia.




Looking at some of these young girls
with ripped jeans makes me wonder
how long before the snowflakes
invent patches

[Piper]

Lewis Hamilton unlikely
to face sanction over
wearing piercings at
Monac GP this weekend?
We may see two Prince
Alberts on the podium.

[Piper]

Saw a Meatloaf tribute act
from Liverpool last night.
They did a great version
of "Two Out Of Four Ain't
Bad"


'... What's the difference
between Harry and
Meghan?
One likes to play Polo.
The other is a mint with a
hole.'


Johnny Depp kind of
reminds me of Traffic
Lights
........ Trapped In Amber...


I'm buying my wife
something really
expensive for our
anniversary
Will a gift bag hold Petrol?


I was listening to BBC
radio and the newscaster
was talking about a super
Yacht in Torquay harbour
being on fire. The words
used were... The Yacht
has sunk. Firefighters say
they now have the fire
under control...
I thought, Mmm, maybe
the boat being underwater
helped.


COP pulled me over this
morning. "Do you know
why I pulled you over?"
"Is it because you want to
see how tall I am?"
"Sir, get out of the car."
"See I knew it!"


Teacher : Your essay must
start with an attention
grabber!
Me: So I'm sitting there
barbecue sauce on my
tits...


If Jesus was able to turn
water into wine, feed 5,000
people with 2 fish and 5
loaves of bread, you got to
admit it's hard not to love
a guy who knows how to
party on a tight budget.


Got arrested at a local
restaurant this morning
I totally misunderstood
what a bottomless brunch
was.


My new girlfriend saw me
coming out of the men’s
toilets in a pub wearing
my overalls and carrying a
toolbox
"What the fuck are you
doing?" she shouted, "You
told me that you worked in
protection."
"I do" I replied, "I've
just fixed their condom
machine."


A young coloured
gentleman with a
clipboard approached
me today outside
the railway station.
He said, Can I arks you
a few questions on your
thoughts about narf
crime? "
I was really tempted to
say," Those words are
actually pronounced ask
and knife."
But then I thought, fuck it,
it's really not worth getting
stabbed over.


A. Never start a sentence
with an object pronoun.
B. Sez who?
A. Me


I don't like to brag about
my wealth, but yesterday I
had the heating on.


Instead of using central
heating this week, I've
been heating my home
by burning £50 notes. I've
saved a fortune already.

[Bikkie]

Major misunderstanding in the courtroom today when Johnny asked if he could push Amber's stool in.


With the cost of living crisis getting seemingly worse, I have given my struggling neighbours all the food in my fridge and larder.
I hope it helps them, well, I don't want my fridge smelling of food when i come back from my six month round the world cruise.



Prince Harry and Meghan Markle arrive soon for the Jubilee celebrations and may christen Lillibet while here.

Meghan Markle remarked, " Well, we may as well let the taxpayer foot the bill rather than use our own meagre income."



Just got stopped in the street by a canvasser, asking my reaction to the Champions League final..

They eventually walked off..

... ?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ??????????????????????????????????????????

My nephew has a Playstation in his room at the rehab clinic, so I brought in a game to cheer him up.

On reflection, maybe Need For Speed wasn't the best choice.


They warned me this girl was a man-eater and they were right.

She won't stop rimming me.

[Bikkie]

Thinking about that
Brazilian singer who was
hospitalised after feeling
too embarrassed to fart
in front of her boyfriend,I
have some ideas for song
titles in her next album and
would like to open this to
the floor:

"Pump Up The Volume"

"Pass The Dutch Oven"

"I just Died In Your Arse Tonight"

"Stink Twice"

Anything by The Blow-off Monkeys or Fart Garfunkel.




I was running past a petrol station and told a blonde you can get around a thousand miles out of a pair of trainers.
Was funny as fuck watching her taking off her trainers and trying to put them in her Fiat 500.


..people have always named their children after expensive things;
Mercedes,Dior,Chardonnay.
Next year watch out for
Gas,Electric and Petrol




If you watch the Batman the dark night triloy as a business lesson; you learn that if you put a nigger in charge he will bankrupt your company,




Steven Spielberg's latest movie tells the story of a Jewish Conman's struggles with his speech impediment.
Swindlers Lisp is released on Monday.

[Piper]

Never let late 90's Eddie
Murphy drive a stick shift.
He's known to blow
tranny's...


I'm going to open a
Scottish themed strip
club.
I'm calling it 'Haggis, Nips
and Titties!





This is a message to the
teacher who said I'd never
amount to anything. I now
run a brothel in Thailand.


To the teacher who said I wouldn't amount to much.
That was a fucking lucky guess.


What's the worst part
about fucking a black
woman?
Having to talk to her pimp
afterwards.


Black people be like
white people speak
properly.


I was in a bar chatting
to a woman. She asked
me, "Do you have any
tattoos?"
"Yes I got that famous
Welsh town tattooed on
the full length bit of my
body."
"What Lianfair?
pwllgwynggll? gogery?
chwyrn? drobwll? llan?
tysilio? gogo? goch?
" Er, no! Rhyl"


A woman I know who has
dated more guys than I
could count complained
that her legs were tired.
I told her that's her own
fault for spending too
much time on her knees.

[Bikkie]

My wife's grandad used to live next door to a family of niggers. He said he had to mow his lawn during the night so as not to wake the cunts up.


How do you wind up a 65 year old muslim on facebook?

Ok kaboomer



Amber Heard made her bed.

Now she has to shit in it.


The Duke of York is set to sue punk band The Kunts following the release of their new single "Prince Andrew is a Sweaty Nonce".

Lawyers acting on his behalf have raised a civil action in response to the slanderous lyrics, stating "Our client is certainly not sweaty".

Ukrainians shooting better in Scotland than they do at home

Went to this new Chinese massage place and after she started rubbing my back
I started to get a semi. "You want wank?"she said.
I thought about it and went to myself what harm are I doing..so I'm lying there with a big hard on and she puts her head round the door and says "You finish yet?".


My grandad used to live in South Africa. He said he was driving home drunk one night when he hit two niggers. One nigger went through the windscreen and the other went flying down the road. In court one nigger was charged with breaking and entering and the other fleeing the scene of a crime.


If television has taught me nothing else

It's that you don't take the higher offer if the next contestant is a woman

Interesting fact for the day:
Putting a photograph of a smiling baby in a wallet increases the chances of the wallet being returned if lost by 30 per cent.

Not if Gary Glitter finds it, though.


Two dogs on Britain's got Talent the other night. Coincidentally there were two on stage as well.



Did Johnny Depp just win the defamation case or was the news?

misheard?



When a woman on a dating site say's she's "Pansexual"... does that means she's a slag that'll fuck anything?

[Piper]

The Queen celebrated
for spending 70 years on
the throne.
Similar amount of time for
me after a dodgy kebab,
Yet I'm called a smelly
bastard.


Johnny Depp's delighted his trial's over.
He can let his hair down now.


Apparently Prince Andrew has tested positive for covid.
He would not go near it, it's 19

[Bikkie]

I'm doing scientific research about men having sex with dogs.

If you have any questions, I'll be in my lab.


I was in the pub more or less all day on Friday, celebrating the Queen`s Jubilee.

Later on they started playing "God Save the Queen" and there was this cheeky twat laughing and talking during it. What disrespect!

Later on I saw him in the car park. I seized on the opportunity and started giving him the beating he deserved.

Finally my mate dragged me off, saying "Come on, Steve, not everyone likes the Sex Pistols."



I'd like to congratulate the staff at old people's homes who let some of their residents perform at tonight's concert.

Just watching the Queen?s Jubilee celebrations. There?s so much diversity on the stage that for the first hour I thought I?d accidentally tuned into Zulu.


Mariah Carey is being sued for 20 million dollars by a man who claims he co-wrote her 1994 hit All I Want For Christmas Is You.

I'm also pursuing a claim against Carey for a similar amount.

I had no hand in writing the song, it's for damages after having to hear the fucker every time I went Christmas shopping for the last 28 years.


Robbie Williams says "Fame should come with a warning."

I think you mean an expiration date.


As Meghan Markle returns to the UK for the Queen's Jubilee, we are reminded of the little song the boys sung when Meghan was in school in California.

It goes something like this:

Meghan had a little skirt,
With splits right up the sides.
Everywhere that Meghan went,
The boys could see her thighs.

Meghan had another skirt,
It split right up the front.

Meghan never wore that one...

Until she became a Yacht Girl.'



If you are a heartless conservative politician,

Does that make you a Right Cunt?

Just had a threesome with 2 Vietnamese girls.

It was Nguyen Nguyen.

How does Camilla Parker Bowles hold her liquor?

By the ears.



Today, the 96-year-old Queen of England met her new great-granddaughter Lilibet for the first time.

Both cried a little, burped, and then fell asleep...


Apparently the Queen watched the London event today from Windsor Castle.

Good on her!

I fucking wish I had eyesight like that.



When they first invented the baton they didn't really like the idea.

But they still ran with it.

Looking at the male members of the royal family with all their medals, you'd think they'd won wars on their fucking own.



Think I'll skip the Jubilee celebrations, and go see the Pride parade instead.

At least there, the fucking queens bother to turn up.


Johnny Depp will always be remembered as the first man to win an argument with a woman.



"...Sweet moment as Prince Harry and Meghan Markle wave to little girls." Express.co.uk

OMG! It runs in the family.




Because it's a jubilee party and all that, no one will bat an eyelid if I open a can of cider at 9 in the morning. But to be fair, as it's Rochdale, no one would bat an eyelid on any other day either

I was watching the Jubilee celebrations and then the adverts came on.

Ahh now it's time for the 'Trooping of the coloureds' i thought.

Elton John is seen being pushed in a wheelchair ahead of the platinum jubilee.

I thought he was still standing



'...Seven-year-old Princess Charlotte refused to hold William's hand.

Obviously saving herself for Andrew.'


- Long in Queen Elizabeth's shadow, Prince Charles now takes greater role.

Going from doing nothing all day to the media paying a bit more attention to him doing nothing all day.


Prince Andrew will miss the Jubilee celebrations because of COVID.

Couldn't Obtain Valid ID.

What do you call a group of cows?
A herd.
What do you call a group of sheep?
A flock.
What do you call a group of monkeys?
A penitentiary.


Amber Heard testified she did defecate in Johnny Depp's bed but said it was a joke.

And here I thought some of my jokes were crappy . . .


I've become friends with a Chinese guy who seems to dig sick jokes as much as I do, especially ones against Americans. His name is Ma Shu Ting.



Top tip:

When sending post, write on the back of the envelope - 'If undelivered, return to...'

Then write the same address to which you wish it to be delivered.


The Proclaimer's front lawn is getting overgrown and un-manageable

They are blaming B&Q for their lack of stock.

They went to Lochaber - No Mower
Sutherland - No Mower
Lewis - No Mower
Skye - No Mower



The Queen is celebrated for spending 70 years on the throne.

Similar amount of time for me after a dodgy kebab, yet I'm called a smelly bastard



Amber Heard said when Johnny Depp started bouncing on the bed one day, the shit hit the fan.



I don't know if Amber heard (no, that's not the joke), but Johnny Depp is the face of the #MenToo movement.

[Piper]

The Queen says the
Platinum jubilee
celebrations have left her
touched.
By Prince Andrew
probably.


Imagine being so powerful
that you can make your
own bank holiday's, not
only that but change the
day's it's on! You can tell
the Queen wanted to get
on it this weekend because
she chose Thursday
because that is the next
best day to party. She
thought that will be lovely
Jubilee. Monday morning
her alarm will go off and
she will wake up and think
fuck I should of kept it
on the Monday because
one minute I was sniffing
Coke with a rolled up
photo of myself the next
thing I know Andrew asks
me back to an under
13's coffee party back at
Maxwell's house.


So the Queen has been on
the throne for 70 years,
it must be one hell of a
poop.


If your girlfriend has a
friend that annoys you,
Don't tell her to stop being
friends with her. Just
casually mention how
pretty she is.
Stay toxic.


What do you call a Black
man's chip shop?
Black clives matter.

[Bikkie]

What does Johnny Depp and OJ have in common?

One had a girl named Heard and the other had a girl who was never heard from again



What does Johnny Depp and OJ have in common?

One had a girl named Heard and the other had a girl who was never heard from again


Where I live we've just been issued with an Amber Weather Warning.
The Weather's going to be Shite.


CAPS LOCK IS FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T PREFER SMALL TALK.



I don't like it when Muslims run in my direction.

Especially if they are wearing a rucksack.



Today I texted a number of my friends telling them that I lost my phone and asked them to call it for me.
They all called.
Clearly, I have a number of loyal friends who are not very smart.


Mary was too unwell to go on 'Dickinsons Real Deal' to sell her antique coin, so her friend Val went for her. Maybe Val should have rehearsed her words before she said to the dealer, "I've come here to flog my friend Mary's tuppence".



My wife says to me "I'm going to smack you with the neck of this guitar!"

I asked her "Is that a fret?"



When a woman says five minutes, think five minutes left in extra time and both teams have all substitutes available and the game was stopped for two serious head injuries and four streakers and a pitch invasion.

Unless she expects me to last that long.

Went to the doctor yesterday and told him about my craving for collecting iPads....he gave me some tablets..



Fuck me Boris has had more escapes than Colditz, just picture him stood in front of the mirror with the comb he doesn?t know how to use, holding it like a gun and saying, ?The Names Blond Boris Blond licensed to thrill?. The Bloke is a legend in his own eyes.



You really can?t beat unwinding at a clock convention ,??, ? ?????*`? ?

'World Cup 2022: LGBT Wales fans vow to boycott Qatar tournament'

Having seen the photos of them I agree.

They certainly are LGBT whales.



148 MP's voted against Boris.
They were the ones who weren't invited to any of his parties.





I was disappointed to find out my new girlfriend was a vegan...

Luckily later I found out she wasn't that strict, she still loves a bit of meat in her vegina




Amber Turd likes Pink Floyd.

Jobby Depp saw the dark side of her moon.




I bought a Cross of St. George flag, plus bedding and bunting for the Queen's Platinum Jubilee.

It was made in China.



I wonder if they'll throw a leaving party for Boris?

[Bikkie]

Why do they say "amen" instead of "awomen" at the end of prayers at church?



Petrol company's will begin distributing a new soft drink that contains Viagra.

The new drink will be called "Mount and Do."


I'm on a tram late night in Dublin and I can see lots of young men, children and women have got Ukraine flags tucked in on the backs of their T Shirts and others waving Ukraine flags.

I'm starting to think they've won the war.



Jubilee concert

The most black people seen on one stage since the good old days of slavery.


An environmental health inspector goes into a Chinese takeaway. He says to the guy on the counter, 'Do you have flies in this place?'

The man says, 'Of course! One portion chip! You wan' with cully sauce?'



I got fifty quid's worth of shopping today for a tenner.

That's how much I have to slip the security guard to be looking the other way when I go in.




Transitioning from a man to a woman these days has to be a hard decision.

I mean the 20% pay cut alone must be difficult to take.

"BORIS 'OUT BY BONFIRE NIGHT'"

I doubt it. He's not that kind of guy.



Americans ask why British people eat like we're in the 1800s and don't have electricity.

I want to know why Americans eat like they have free healthcare.

"500 police officers to be drafted into Spain's 12 largest airports to deal with delays"

Wouldn't it be better to draft in half a dozen pilots instead?


Easily get a job as a jazz club drummer by dropping cutlery all over the floor at the audition.



So Johnny Depp spent 50K in a Curry House.

I think he might be planning an 'Armageddon Revenge shit'


Fellas, never be the guy taking pics for social media where she points out how much money and time you waste on her.

Be the guy she complains about in the group chat where she claims - for the 9th time - this is "the last time" she will fuck you because you don't understand her worth.

Stay toxic.



In 2032 an Irish man and a Scots man walked into a bar. The barman says "Wait a minute I know how this works, where's the English man?"
The Irish man says "Sure they're all Muslims now and they don't drink."


It turns out that women can have penises after all

They're the ones who watch Love Island


I was breast fed until 3.

But enough about my day, how was yours?



Today is Johnny Depp's birthday.

I bet he didn't get shit from Amber this year.

[Piper]

Did you hear about that
Scotsman playing the
bagpipes at the aquarium?
Sadly, an octopus
smashed out it's brains
on the glass thinking he
was next in line for a
blow - job....


Deaf couple arguing in
sign language as if the
Ninja fight in Naruto.


Just bought a porn mag
called 'Sluts With Nuts'.
It turns out it was not
on the theme of air
stewardesses.


LYNX: UNBEATABLE
PROTECTION FOR MEN
Honestly can't wait to pull
a can of that out of my
pocket when I'm getting
mugged.


I went to Japan and
bought a poster of Charlie
Sheen.
It was two and a half Yen.


So in the really old days
you would get your
surname by what you
did or what you were, so,
Baker or Butcher or Smith
or Farmer right.

I knew a chap called
Rutter once which worried
me a bit, but then I met a
chap called Dickinson...

I mean how did they know
and why did they not try to
stop the bastard?

PS I know a Hillary Fluffer
once as well and I didn't
have the heart to mention
this.

[Bikkie]

I front a band that plays at fag bars.

We're called Dire Gays.

My stage name is Mark Knobfler.

I front a band that plays at fag bars.

We're called Dire Gays.

My stage name is Mark Knobfler.



News: Groups of Muslims protesting outside British cinemas to oppose film about the prophet Mohamed

But unavailable for comment when asked why they don't have the basic sense to move to Muslim countries where such films are disallowed anyway



Putin now bans all "LGBT propaganda" from the media in Russia.

Faggots there are not too worried, as they will still get performances of the men in tights of the Bolshoi Ballet.



Yesterday, my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen. She sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly. Today, I'm putting the cockroach in the bathroom.

[Bikkie]

The new bloke at work's invited me over to his place tonight for some 'man fun'.



Awesome. I hope he's got table football and a PS5.



Not saying Kate Bush has put on a few pounds over the years or anything, but her new single is called Getting a Taxi Up That Hill.



A guy goes into a pub with a Lion and asks the barman if he serves Niggers. The barman says "We don't discriminate against anyone." The guy says "Good. A pint for me and a Nigger for the Lion."



Women's health company unveils Period Crunch? cereal shaped like a uterus that makes the milk turn red to remind people to talk about periods.
I recommend mashing up a Kipper among it for extra realism.





I pulled my car to the kerb and offered the hooker 20 for a suck job.

I drove her to a secluded car park, passed her the syphon and told her not to stop until I had a full tank.




Seeing Absolutely Fabulous on Gold takes me back to a golden age of comedy.

When you could say this isn't fucking funny and not be called some kind of Phobic.




My sister has a nut allergy.

Well, I say 'allergy', she's a lesbian.



Police are looking for two armed men who got away with a fortune from a petrol station.

It's been reported that they got away with two full gallons.



Important news for women: Scientists have discovered that spending all day copying and pasting amusing quotes onto Facebook statuses and passing it off as your own, does not constitute wit



'...People say I'm a hoarder.

Not true, because you never know when someone will call round with a Nokia 2160 and needs to connect to a fax machine.'



My neighbour's been a right prick lately, and I've punished him by breaking into his house at night and stealing... his wife's tampons.



I hear they've stopped using artificial fertilizers in Holland. They grow their flowers using pulverized furry rodents as soil feed.


it?s tulips from hamster jam.



The number one movie in America is Top Gun, their number one song is Kate Bush Driving Up That Hill, and America is in a proxy war with Russia. Fuck it. Why don't we give 1986 another go?




If petrol gets any more expensive I'm going to have to go back to drinking vodka.




Sir Paul McCartney 'will
perform at Glastonbury
2022' at the age of 80
-making history as
festival's oldest
headline act.

[Piper]

BREAKING NEWS :

Solar radiation has turned the
American flags on the moon pure
white.
So now it looks like France landed
there first.


Sir Lenny Henry questions
the lack of diversity at
Glastonbury and says he
is 'always surprised' to see
so few black and Asian
faces in the crowd,
Yeah. They're all out the
back nicking Ipads from
the tents.


If Sir Lenny Hennry wants
to see more black faces
he should become a
prison visitor.


BREAKING NEWS :

Prince Harry takes a
tumble at the polo : Duke
Falls off his horse, - Daily
Mail UK.
An insider said, "This is
the first time Harry
has fallen off his horse,
but that was because
Meghan was rocking it too
fast."

[Piper]

BREAKING NEWS :

Paul McCartney
celebrates his 80th
birthday with Stella in
Mykonos. - Daily Mail UK

You would think with all
his wealth, he would have
bought at least ONE bottle
of champagne.


If Jimmy Saville was
black, I can guarantee you
that his cock would have
been far bigger than those
brown cigars he smoked


Lucy Worsley had a little
Lamb
And she called it
Glastonbury
Lucy wore a skimpy
Cheerleaders skirt
And so does Katy Perry

Phoooor

??????????????????


Tom Hanks says he
wouldn't accept role as
gay man in Philadelphia in
modern times.

Bollocks.

If they put Whoopii
Goldberg in the lead role
of Winston Churchill
biopic, and she was
convincing, I'd call her a
fucking good actor.


The Notting Hill Carnival
has been cancelled this
year but don't worry,
you can recreate the
entire experience at
home by simply banging
saucepans together for 16
hours, taking a shit in your
front garden, handing over
your wallet to a complete
stranger and stabbing
yourself!


There's a new No.1 in the
charts 37 years after its
initial release
I thought most kids
nowadays wouldn't even
appreciate a fantastic
Bush.


There's a new No.1 in the
charts, 37 years after Kate
Bush released it.
Finally, I can take my fingers
off play and record.


Just saw a recent photo
of Kate Bush.
I don't think she'll be
running anywhere.


BMW drivers are taking
pride month a bit
seriously.
This one's been up my
arse for 5 miles!

[Piper]

( In the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody )

Is this a real cold?
Is it just allergies?
Caught in a landslide
of pollen falling off the tress
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and sneeze
I'm out of Kleenex
Need antihistamines
Because my stopped - up nose
Cannot blow
Fever's high
Then it's low
Any way the wind blows
It's always full of pollen
For me...
For me..


Call me silly, but sticking
your dick in another man's
asshole doesn't merit a
special flag or month long
celebration.


People who think there's
no difference between
taking kids to Pride
parades and taking
them to Pantomimes,
need the nuances of the
warning "He's behind you!"
explained to them.


Royal Mail are issuing a
set of stamps to celebrate
50 years of Gay Pride.
I'm not licking the back of
one of those stamps!


Do trees shit in the
woods?
Of course they do how
else would we get Number
2 pencils?


'... All those years ago,
Who discovered cows'
udders give milk?


I'm fed up with my so
called mates, 3 times now
they have agreed to go to
a Whitesnake gig with me
and then not showed up.
Here I go again on my own.


Greta Thunberg made a
surprise appearance at
Glastonbury.
I hope she stays around
to do the clean up
afterwards.

[Bikkie]

Little Johnny, aged 7, came home from school one day and asked his dad, "Daddy, where do I come from?"
His poor father started sweating, knowing that one day his son would want to know all about "it". He looked around for his wife to take on the explanation but she was out at the shops. It was no good, his father thought. 'It's time he knew', and took the young lad to one side and explained how mummy and daddy met and then married and wanted to produce a baby and, .....well, you know the rest. After much awkwardness and embarrassment, after nearly an hour, the dad finally reached the point in the story where his son was born in hospital. The young boy's face just stared back, mouth open and speechless.
"So, tell me son, why do you ask?"
The boy, still in shock, said, "Billy Clark in our class, said he was from Birmingham!"

"I need a shit, Sue."

"I'm happy with the two dogs we have."



My dyslexic mate always wanted to be a barrister, and now he's finally achieved his dream. He's got a job pouring coffee in Starbucks



Aggressively inserting my wife?s tampon for her is not my favourite thing to do, but it?s definitely up there.



BBC News just now discussing the rail strike and bemoaning the absence of trains to Glastonbury....

Glastonbury Station closed in 1966. LOL!



My son's teacher asked him to pick a famous figure for Black History Month.

He came to class with a Leicester City shirt and a packet of Salt and Vinegar.


How come if you roll a joint on a football pitch , people have sympathy..even applaud you as you are stretched off..

I do it after my missus gives born to our first born on the maternity ward and I'm a druggy that needs to give his head a wobble .

Women !!??

[Piper]

Jurassic World star Chris
Pratt has revealed he
hates it when people refer
to him by his first name,
telling fans "Don't call me
Chris."
He'll be very pleased with
me then.
I've always called him
"Pratt."


I have just seen the new
Royal Mail Pride stamp
with two women kissing
and wondered is it self
adhesive or do you have
to lick it.


BREAKING NEWS :

Katie Price AVOIDS jail
AGAIN! - Daily Mail - UK
This woman doesn't
deserve jail.
She's been banged more
times than a cell door
anyway.


If Davina mccall knocks
on your door with a
camera crew ffs don't
answer it, turns out bono
has just found out he has
a long lost half brother...



Carlsberg is to conduct its
biggest trial of recyclable
fibre beer bottles across
Europe.
If the trial is successful
the next stage is to try
Putting some decent
fucking beer in them.


I'm surprised the singer
from Spandau Ballet is
being charged with these
sex assaults, as he claims
he was busy performing
at the time of the alleged
incidents.
I think his alibi is Gold.


50 Cent changes name
to 85 Cent to adjust for
inflation.


CBeebies have revealed
that their character
is a Black Viking.
Noggin the Wog starts on
Monday.


What's the big deal with
trans men competing in
women's sports. Serena
Williams and his brother
have been doing it for
years!


Spent 3 hours on black
and tan last night, I wasn't
drinking, just watching
Serena Williams play
tennis againsed Harmony
Tan.


Mr Williams lost in the
tennis.


Tory Depty Whip quits
after drunkenly groping
two male Colleagues at
Carlton Club?
They don't call it a Private
Members Club for no
reason.


If the LGBTIQAPKD +
community add more
fucking letters I'm just
calling them "the Eye chart
Nazis."

[Piper]

R Kelly believes he can fly
We'll, the judge has
awarded him plenty of
time to get some practise
in.


Emma Raducanu has been
knocked out.
And I imagine so we're a
lot of wanks as she played.


Boris Johnson says
Vladimir Putin would not
have invaded Ukraine if he
were a woman.
I'm quite inclined to agree
She'd never have been
able to decide where to
invade, or what to wear.
And it would have taken
so long to get ready it
wouldn't have been worth
it.


2016 - Boris Johnson
Pushes for Brexit so UK
won't have to pay billions
of pounds to European
countries

2022 - Boris Johnson
triumphantly announces
UK will give billions of
pounds to European
country of Ukraine.

[Piper]

R Kelly made a serious
mistake and is now doing
a thirty year stretch.
He didn't have Prince
Andrew's lawyers.


There are lots of drugs
and 30-feet walls in R Kelly's
prison.
Let’s see how high he
believes he can fly now.


What did Prince Andrew
say when he heard about
R Kelly?
"Is she under 18 and will
she keep her mouth shut
at the right price?"


What's the difference
between Prince Andrew
and R Kelly?
About 12 million quid and 30
years.

R Kelly is in for a long
stretch.
Like his victim's arseholes.


It's been 30 years since
R Kelly released Bump 'n'
Grind.
He now has another 30
years of Bump 'n' Grind to
look forward to.
I don't see nothin ' wrong
with that.


I bet R. Kelly really wishes he
could fly now...

. "... These' buttery soft '
Amazon leggings with
over 26,000 perfect ratings
just went on sale - starting
at just $10.99". Daily Mail -UK.
Buttery?
Does that mean they
spread easily?


I've watched every day of
Wimbledon so far. Still not
seen a Womble.

. I'm so horny
watching Wimbledon I'm
going to have to crack one
out.
It's the men's singles, and
those ballgirls are hot.

[Piper]

The biggest lie ever told
used to be, "I won't cum in
your mouth."
Now it's,
"Your call is important to
us."


My uncle says he was
a victim of Friendly Fire
during the Vietnam war.
He had the end of his
cock shot of by one of
his own Snipers.
To be fair, it was being
sucked at the time by a
Gook Hooker.


The egg doesn't swim to
the sperm bitch, never
chase a man.

I'm a simple guy
All I need are the sounds
of women's tennis and my
imagination.

My hot date and I were
in the pub. She said she
could "drink me under the
table."
So I got my cock out.

[Piper]

I don't know why we all
get mad at people who
"identify" as something
they're not
The United States
identifies as a free
country...


If you don't celebrate July
4 don't worry.
Because there will be six
million photos of turkeys
on Facebook...


I once dated a girl nick-named
salty knickers..
Not sure why. Probably
something to do with her
love for nuts.


Washing machines will be
used quite a lot when the
women's Euros begins.
All the blokes pissing
themselves laughing at
the useless bitches.


What's the difference between
Boris Johnson and ikea?
ikea cabinets don't
fall apart.


Boris Johnson spotted
in IKEA looking for a new
cabinet.


So, it's OK to parade your
genitals in public, but you
might be asked to cover
your face?
What a world.


Watching Wimbledon, I
wondered if 'ballgirl' was
an acceptable term for
trans women?

[Bikkie]

The newest firework is called "The Karen", it looks cool but has a quick fuse, and will unexpectedly explode in your face.




Phew. Independence Day over and no alien invasion to deal with. I was worried - Will Smith is always involved and is clearly Earth's primary defender. He knocked one of the invaders out with one punch back in the 90's, but his lame Chris Rock bitch slap shows Earth's is now vulnerable to attack.


Saturday night there was a bouncer on the door who said ?you?re not coming in with those trainers?, which was out of order. Those gym instructors are great guys.

They done their time they?re no longer a danger to women



US politicians say that gun laws don't work, because people get guns anyway. They have a point, murder is illegal in the US, but people do it anyway, so what is the point?


R Kelly is said to be 'disappointed' in his 30-year sentence.

Friends say he was hoping to get less than 14 years.


Some of my employees have really been feeling the squeeze.

I fucking love owning a strip club.


Convoys of protesters demonstrating against high fuel prices caused delays and disruption on motorways and main A roads in the UK.

I wanted to join in but I couldn't afford the petrol to get there.



My next door neighbour just came back from holiday and caught me walking out of her front door.
She said, 'The spare key was for emergencies, not for you to just snoop around my house!?
'What do you take me for"? I replied, "It was an emergency, I needed a shit and my toilet doesn't flush, so I used yours."
"Can I have my key back please"? she yelled, holding out her hand.
I said, "It's in your top drawer next to your dildo."



Protesting Dutch farmers are spraying parliamentary buildings with manure.

So the outside matches the inside.



The BBC have issued an update to their coverage on the go-slow protests. The 10 mile long line of stationary cars on the M6 has in fact been found to be just the normal Monday traffic




Boris Johnson:

Monday - There was no groping
Tuesday - There may or may not have been bodily contact, but if it did happen then it was within the rules
Wednesday - There may have been groping but I knew nothing about it
Thursday - We will have to wait for the police to decide whether there was groping or not
Friday - The Sue Gray report said that I did not know about the specifics of the groping
Saturday - I couldn't have known about the groper for two years as I too busy at all those work events


I got a phone call from marketing from the company who I'd just bought a new car off, they asked what made me chose their company and the make and model.

"Fuck all to do with your company, or the make and model, " I answered, "It was the free gallon of petrol. "


"Since starting prison R Kelly has put on a load of weight and I think he's become a Hindu"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when I went to visit him, he had a huge red dot in the middle of his massive black forehead"

"You need to go to Specsavers mate, that was his arse".



The Railway Children Return is a sequel to The Railway Children after 52 years.

Of course it features token black characters. What's the betting someone's wallet goes missing, someone gets stabbed up and a few someones get knocked up?



Because of sky-high petrol prices thanks to the crooked Ukraine war, I decided to take the bus into town yesterday. The seat next to me in the back was one of the last ones open and this nig nog sat down next to me and gave me an absolute look of thunder for some reason.

I asked him, "Bad day, huh ?.... wait, never mind, I forgot how much your types HATE having to sit all the way back here."



****TOP TIP**** Ladies, if the old man?s moaning about the looseness of the undercarriage, stop off at the butcher shop and get yourself a leg of mutton. Once home, liberally massage it with olive oil and insert, carefully removing the bone slowly afterwards?.


Just been watching young Black tennis player Coco Guaff in the Women's doubles.
I thought, wouldn't it be funny if she wed Iggy Pop.



My dog likes chasing cars.

She makes one hell of a racket if i play anything else by Snow Patrol though!




World number 9 tennis player Cam Norrie is into the men's quarter final at Wimbledon.

Welsh dad, Scottish mum, raised in South Africa, moved to New Zealand and went to university in America.

A great British achievement.


It must have been a great feeling for R Kelly when Michael Jackson had a hit with his song 'You Are Not Alone'

Less so when his cell mate sings it with a sly grin and a hard on


In the 80's we had horrendous hair cuts and clothes that we cringe about whenever we see a photo of ourselves from back then.
In the 2000's a lot of kids went through a moody goth/emo phase that they REALLY prefer to forget about now.
When the 2020's are a 20 year old memory, there's going to be a lot of folks, that got caught up in all the current day's madness, who are going to look back at photos of themselves from now, and thing "God, I miss having a cock".


Black Africans are demanding reparations for past events. Paying this would bankrupt most countries. Also, black criminals cost's the tax payers millions each year for policing, investigation, NHS care, and increased property insurance costs.

I think I've come up with a solution to both these problems.......... Revoke black human rights and reintroduce slavery.

Once captured, you'd need to castrate the men to calm them down, and sterilise the women so they don't keep taking time away from their duties to drop yet another litter of sprogs, but capturing slaves would give employment and much needed money to working class "Slavers", and provide cheap labour for the dangerous/menial jobs that are beneath being done by the more civilised white folk. Because of the castration, blacks would become a rarer and rarer commodity, so eventually we might need to go further a field to source replacements, thus financially stimulating the ship building industry, therefore creating even MORE jobs for the working class. And most importantly, Blacks would become property rather than people, and property have no rights with regards to claiming compensation for what IT'S owner did, or does, to it.

It all seems so obvious, I don't know why no one thought of it before.

[Piper]

According to a recent poll
'Mohammed' is now the
most popular boys name
in the UK.
I'm not surprised, over the
last few years the amount
of people called it has just
exploded.


Mohammed is now the
most popular boys name
in the United Kingdom.
Co-incidentally
Mohammed is also the
most unpopular boys
name in the United
Kingdom as well.


Being married is solving
problems together.
Problems I wouldn't have
if I was single.


I was listening to this
wanker in the pub today
complaining about the
price of petrol when I
decided to inform him
he was paying nearly
4 pounds for a Pint of
liquid that was roughly 4 %
alcohol and 96% flavoured
water.


I went for a Chinese last
night and got chatting
to the waiter. He said
during the war he was a
Kamikaze pilot and his
code name was 'Chow
Mein'
I said correct me if
I'm wrong, but didn't
Kamikaze pilots sacrifice
their own lives??!!?
Yes he said, but I was a
Chicken Chow Mein.

[Piper]

A 32-year-old man has
been arrested for racist
behaviour at England's
Test match against India.
Warwickshire's chief
executive said, "we don't
need people like this at
the game." And I for one
agree with him.
We need them running
their fucking 24/7 corner
shops.


Today's weather forecast.

O e S

S

H
W R

Scattered showers.


What do weather
forecasters have in
common with Nazis?
They often lie about
showers.


Elton John has bought his
pet rabbit a treadmill.
It's a little fit bunny


Hats off to all Wimbledon
Wheelchair finalists.
They deserve a standing
ovation.


R Kelly wishes he could
turn back the hands
of time... to 1993.


I'm not saying my wife
hasn't a tight cunt, but
it's like fucking a tennis
racket with no strings.


Day 286 without sex.
Went jogging in flip flops
just to remember the
sound.


Just won 2 tickets to the
women's Euro 2022 cup
final.
Guess that'll be two extra
empty seats then.


What's a Welshman's
favourite love song?
( Everything I do ) I Do For
Ewe.


What's the difference
between a politician and a
feminist?
Politicians occasionally
do things for the benefit of
society.

[Piper]

New movie coming out
"The Woman King" about
female Black warriors.
Nothing new. I've seen
hundreds of videos on
Facebook of black women
fighting in McDonalds.


A lot of women actually
turn into good drivers.
So, if you're a good driver,
watch out for women
turning.


'Just got a new job as a
cleaner.. I think I'm going
to shine...'


I said to the wife after an
argument, "I bet you wish I
was hung."
She replied, It's hanged
Although both would
work. "


Don't believe everything
you read in public toilets
Sharon IS NOT up for a
good time.
What an awkward phone
call that was?


Chris Hemsworth seduces
a girl with a lisp.
The next morning, he says
"I have a confession to
make-I'm Thor."
The girl says, You're thor?
I can hardly walk! "


Before we got together
my bisexual wife used
to watch the Omnibus
edition of her favourite
soap on Sunday.
She often tells me she
misses her double enders.


You know it's a good
orgasm when you're toes
are tossing out gang
signs


Does chocolate milk
come from black cows?

[Piper]

Watching the women's
soccer and one of the
dykes in the crowd had
an England football face-painted
on one cheek and a Norgegian football
face-painted on the other cheek.
Typical of the
women's soccer crowd
really - she never had
two balls on her chin!


Watching the women's
football, and I can confirm
that they have all run their
tits off.


Women talking about
football is like blokes
talking about knitting.


Nick Krygios, No need for
bad language just shows
a lack of education the
fucking nigger cunt bastard
twat arsehole.


Mrs Brown's Boys

Dame Edna Everidge

Eddie Izzard

Proof that women aren't
funny even when it's men
pretending to be them.


The choice of candidates
for the Tory party
leadership is almost as
bad as a BMW drivers
taste in music.


Transgender Tory MP
Jamie Wallis faces trial
today accused of driving
offences and failing to
stop after smashing into
lamppost in late night
crash.
Once a woman, always a
woman.


Bond theme composer
Monty Norman dies at 94.
Now he's decomposing.


Beer made from recycled
TOILET WATER takes off
in Singapore 'I couldn't
tell!'
Its been around for years
it's called fosters.


Her: Women are stronger
and more independent
than men.

Me: Then how come you
can't walk alone at night?


BBC documentary stating
the obvious about what
happens to Muslim
women in hot weather :
Nadiya Bakes.


S . A. S
Special Arab Slayers

[Piper]

Husband : When I die, I
want to die having sex
Wife: Atleast it will be
quick....


The BBC has announced
it's latest comedy show.
The Kumars At No 10.


Rishi Sunak is hoping to
turn 10 Downing Street
into a home from home
He is turning number 11
into a Quickie Mart.


Sky News - Species
of fungus unknown to
science discovered in
Scotland.
Someone in a pub in
Glasgow must have taken
their shoes off.


What's stained and found
in Catholic churches?
Glass.

[Piper]

Camilla turns 75, wait i
though horses only lived
to 30 years.

[Piper]

Brits have been advised
not to drink alcohol in the
current heatwave

.

.

.

... unless it's a work
meeting.


And the winner of this
year's Great British Bake
Off goes to...
The Sun.


Ed sheeran named
his daughter Jupiter,
because when she was
conceived Jupiter was
in alignment and visible
from earth. He's going to
name his next child after
what his music sounds
like.... Uranus.


Choosing the next prime
minister is like deciding
which portaloo to use on
the third day of a rock
festival!


Newsnight photographer
claims to have a picture of
Prince Andrew that would
rock the Monarchy if it
was ever made public.
It's a photo of him asking
for consent.


I keep seeing all these
advertisements for the
Women's football...
If I wanted to watch a
bunch of bitches run
around a field pretending
to play sports I would
watch the NFL.


I just saw the England
Women's Football team
has had naked photos of
them leaked online.
It brings a whole
new meaning to the
expression, `Come on
England!


I've just seen an episode
of a hilarious new BBC
comedy series, you've got
to watch it, funniest thing
I've seen in years!!
It's on every night and it's
called "Women's Football."


I really want England
women to win the Euros.
So the papers can have
a picture of the manager
and Captain holding the
trophy. Headline. Two girls
one cup.


Ladies Euro Soccer Best
In All Nations action... or
L. E. S. B. I. A. N action for
short!


Why is Women's Football
like buying your first
home?
You always hope for
something bigger but still
have to spend your time
looking at tawdry flats.


Wona Ryder has told
of some mysterious
occurances on the set of
Stranger Things.
Particularly the
unexplained
disappearance of several
items...

[Piper]

Record temperatures hit in
the UK. Greenpeace blame
global warming. Jehovas
Witnesses blame End
Times.
Personally I could swear it
has something to do with
that bright orange thing in
the sky.


Doctors advise that
people do not drink
alcohol during the hot
weather.
Oh ok then - how about
I also don't masturbate
while watching porn?


It's that fucking hot today
I saw a scouser take his
hands out of someone
else's pockets.


It's hotter than a
smackheads lighter on
payday!


I got such a tan the last
two days that my black
neighbour told me to fuck
off back to were I came
from.


House fires in London due
to the heatwave.
Here's me thinking they
were black lives matter
protests.


People moaning about
how hot it currently is in
the UK, just think about
what it's like for me being
naturally hot.


I'm not saying it's hot but
I just saw Prince Andrew
buy an antiperspirant.


Its been so hot this week
that a lot of celebrities
have been melting.
Madame tussauds have
had to close.


Fuck, it's hot. I'm
sweating like the crew on
an Alec Baldwin film set.


I got such a tan the last
two days that my black
neighbour told me to fuck
off back to were I came
from.


BREAKING NEWS :

Englishman wins 1500m
gold at the World Athletics
Championships.
He was the Wightman for
the white job.

[Piper]

Heard a rumour that 80's
sitcom Diff'rent Strokes
might be coming back
with a woke female in
the leading role. No
Actor this time though.
They're just going to put
CCTV cameras all over
Madonna's house.


'... A plane spotter in
London says :

"The plane that just landed
has Meghan Markle and
Harry onboard."

Second plane spotter :

"How can you tell?"

Plane spotter : "Well
they've shut down the
engines but it's still
whining!"

[Piper]

According to official
sources, Japan recorded
the hottest ever days last
week at a maximum of
106f.
I dispute that. August 6th
and 9th 1945.

[Piper]

A ticket-holder has won
The US Mega Millions
jackpot of $1.28bn, the
third biggest lottery prize
in the country.
Half of the money goes
immediately to the
government in tax.
Why would you even bother?


Did you hear about the
Jewish Kamikaze fighter
pilot?
He crashed his plane into
his brothers scrap yard.


'... Why do we never see
Meghan Markle in court?
Is it because she would
have to hold a Bible and
swear to tell the truth?


After years of research A
cure for baldness in men
has been discovered.
Seems all you have to do
is remove the headboard
from your bed.


After sitting through
another shit Bruce Willis
movie I've come to the
conclusion that the only
decent thing he's been in
since Die Hard is Demi
Moore.


My mate told me he was
going to a gay orgy in the
South of DR Congo.
"Lubumbashi?" I asked.
"They certainly do" he
replied.


Dad's Dating Tips #22
Never ask her where she
wants to eat. Instead,
ask her to guess which
restaurant you are talking
her to, then book that.
#winnerwinner.


I'm a tad confused about
drug class ratings.
Aren't all drugs just class?


I like women the way
I like my North Sea oil
reserves.
Light sweet and crude.

[Piper]

Well done to the England
Women's team.
I think the banter has
been funny but we
should all now just
congratulate them on their
achievement.
Besides, women's football
isn't a real sport, like
snooker, darts and pub
skittles.


All English women need
to do next is win 2 fucking
World Wars and we're
even.


When my wife was watching the
girlies playing football and
shouted,
"Press them, keep
pressing."
I was quite impressed
that even she knew they
should be at home doing
the ironing.


Heard one of the
Lionesses talking about
how hard it is to make it in
women’s football.
Simple answer to that :
If you can't stand the
heat-Get back in the
kitchen.


If a female footballer
heads a ball and nobody
is there to hear it... Does it
make a sound?


"Two Girls, One Cup."
Chanted the Dyslexic
England fan.


Woman seem to be better
at football than men. They
probably even know what
that semi-circle is for
attached to the 18
yard box.


I've never been a fan of
the slow motion action
shots in football but in the
women's euros it works
quite well.


Can't believe how much
Chris Rock is charging for
tickets to his gigs.
He wants a good slapping
he does.

[R650R]

In today’s PC world this poor bugger would be cancelled so counts as sick joke lol

Some great laughs from the old world to start the day


https://youtu.be/PCg34dDoIt4

[Piper]

Germany's national
newspaper 'Bild' claims
Germany were robbed of
the Euro's at Wembley.
Anyone wonder why they
didn't kick off at 19.45 like
most finals.
DON'T MENTION THE
WAR!


'... As FABULOUS as it is,
we're not going to hear the
last of the Lionesses win
for several weeks.
At least they go rid
of all that unwanted
testosterone.
Now they just need to get
behind the ironing board
and back in the kitchen.'


England lionesses have
shown the men how it's
done.
In the same way a bird
slapping a drunk slag in a
car park shows us how to
beat Tyson Fury.


Memo: To all the England
football team failures.
It doesn't take Balls to win
anything
But if you have a pair of
Tits it helps...


BREAKING NEWS : Norway
has just completed
painting barcodes on their
entire fleet of war ships.
So now, when returning
to Port, they can...
Scandinavian.


Ordered one of those
"Assemble-it-Yourself",
app controlled, New
Zealand birds the other
day.
It's an ikea.


Will Smith : I'ma get this
opology out before August
hits.
Jada : August been hit...

[Piper]

What's the difference
between a refrigerator and
a gay man?
A refrigerator doesn't fart
when the meat is pulled
out.


'... I met my wife
while bowling and
IMMEDIATELY knew she
was the right fit for me, as
I could get three fingers in
Her as well as the bowling
ball... Was NOT what my Bride's
father was expecting as a
speech at our wedding.'


When you see deaf
couples holding hands,
it may be a romantic
moment, or perhaps they
are trying to shut each
other up for a bit.


The teacher asked the
class,
"What do you think the
effect of having two
left feet would be to a
person?"
"Please Miss," shouted
Winston, "footwear would
be a lot easier to steal."


I don't do geography puns.
There's Norway I'd stoop
Oslo as that.


Fools rush in.
Unless vaccines are
involved, then sensible
people take 4 in a year.


Watching soaps is so
boring...
There's only so long
you can look at a bar of
imperial leather!
" Do you know what I
mean?"


I knew I was in an exotic
restaurant when the first
thing on the menu was strip
steak.

[Piper]

Why are Americans good
at Rubik's cubes?
Because they have a
history of separating
colours.


'... I just broke up with my
girlfriend because I caught
her lying
Under another man.'


I like my women how I like
my coffee
White, with no shit in the
bottom.


Know religion, no peace
No religion, know peace.


"I've just seen your sign on
the front of the shop and
it reads' Stationary.' Surely
it should be stationery?"
"Can you see the shop
moving?"


My grandad used to have
a slave nigger who could
carry a bucket of coal on
his cock.
Mind, you he wouldn't
have had to if he didn't
Caught him stealing an
apple.


At 11am today, the
machine was unplugged
and the terrible suffering
ended, as I stopped
Adele song playing on the
jukebox.


I walked past a nudist
camp the other day,
peering through the fence
when I noticed a lady I
thought I knew that was
sunbathing naked.
"Is that Fanny Brown?" I
asked.
"No, but it soon will be"
came the reply.


I'm not a happy
bunny... Every morning a
German Shepherd walks
around my front lawn and
has a shit.
As if that isn't bad enough
this morning he brought
his dog!

[Piper]

Isn't it amazing how one
tiny egg and one tiny
sperm can make one
massive cunt


What do you call a
Russian who stole all the
pop?
'Who'dJaNicACrateTapop
Off'


Do Men ever think 'Damn,
she's been through
enough, I'm gonna treat
her like a queen?'
Nah, they're too busy with
the women who deserve
that, rather than the ones
who spend all day on
Facebook moaning about
not having what they think
they're entitled to for no
good reason at all.


CHILDREN'S JOKE

'... Why do British stamps
have the Queen's head on
them?
Because if it showed her
arse, no one would LICK
IT!'


I've started a band called
Prevention.
We're better than The
Cure.

[Piper]

My wife sent me a text
last week, "when you get
home from work I'm going
to strip naked and do a
sexy dance for you"...
So far I've built up 96
hours overtime.......


Yesterday whilst visiting
my local recycling centre
I noticed a sign that read
"skip hire," anyway after
about ten minutes of
skipping as high as i could
I gave up knackered.


It's okay for people to do
a blackout challenge on
tic Tok. But as soon as
I suggest it at my town
council meeting I'm
suddenly a racist bigot.


The Seekers lead singer
Judith Durham has died.
They'll never find another
one.


Midget woman named in
strictly lineup.
She'll be seeing lots of ball
room action then..


The Batgirl movie has
been cancelled after $70
million in Batmobiles were
destroyed backing out of
the Batcave.


Why are the blacks at the
Commonwealth games
the fastest runners?
Colour TV's won't pinch
themselves.


London men always call
each other "my son" - it
seems only fitting that
they are never black.

[Piper]

Hippos can run faster
than humans on land, and
swim faster than humans
in water.
Which means the bicycle
is your only chance of
beating a hippo in
triathlon.


This is what's going
on inside an average
American's head when a
British /Irish person over
there speaks.

Posh English
Person... Fear intimidation
and sense of inferiority.

Londoner or
Southeast... Oh no it's one
of those nasty gangster
type English people and
an urge to do a Dick Van
Dyke imitation back.

Birmingham
Brummie... My God this
English person sounds
depressed.

Irish... Well top of the
morning to you too.

Welsh... how quaint a
white person from India.

Scottish... he's Canadian.

Northern Irish... he's
Polish.

South West... wow an
actual pirate.

Liverpool
Scouse... English person
who's parents must have
been part dolphin.

Northwest and
Manchester... confusion

Yorkshire... utter
confusion.

Newcastle Geordie... what
the actual fuck?

Norfolk... must be a
Swedanian hillbilly.

[Piper]

The Simpsons is coming
back for a 34th season
this year, but Fox has
implemented a new rule
for the show from this
season onwards.
Google "Simpsons Rule
34" for more information.


I'm out whaling with my
mates tonight...
However the correct
terminology is pull a FAT
BIRD.


People are so easily
offended these days.
That's why I only ever
make jokes at the expense
of white men, whose thick
skin and calm, rational
attitudes make them
impossible to upset.


Scientists have discovered
a food that reduces a
woman's sex drive by 91 %
It is called "wedding cake"


"Where's your PPE?"
"Fuck that mate covid
was over for me months
ago, and it's about time
others realised it too."
"Yeah ok... Is this your first
day as a beekeeper?".


A man in Barnsley has
piles and calls into his
local shop for treatment.
"Excuse me, do you have
any arse cream?"
"Aye lad. What does
tha' want? Magnum or
Cornetto?"

[Piper]

Roses are red
Love is a fake
Weddings are funerals,
But without the cake.


'... There should be a NEW
law.
Electric cars can ONLY be
charged by wind, or solar
power.
If you're going to give up
fossil fuels...
THEN GIVE IT UP!'


"Took the wife on holiday
to Indonesia."
"Jakarta?"
"No we went by plane."


Tampax, we may not
be the world's biggest
satinary product company,
but we're up there!


I saw Daniel Craig in a
mosque today
Abdul07


A study has revealed hair
loss and a lack of sex
drive are symptoms of
long covid.
I must have had long
Covid since my wedding
day.


Interviewer: So how
do you write female
characters so well?

Novelist : I simply think of
a man, and then remove
reason and accountability.


Her: Why do boys watch
a football match then 6
hours later sit there on
their phones and watch
the highlights of that
SAME FOOTBALL MATCH?

Me: Why do girls shave
their eyebrows off and
draw them on? You
literally had eyebrows.

[Piper]

I went to the local council
to ask permission to
extend my allotment and
said-
"Councillor, I need to
convert this land and build
a house here because I've
discovered there's a family
of blacks I need to escape
from next door. Where do I
start?"
"Foundations?"
"No, just blacks."


There's a Dental Practice
near me that's been
Practicing for 20 years.20
fucking years. You'd think
by now they'd know what
they'd doing.


'... Do dentists call their x-rays
Tooth Pics?'


"I don't know the numbers
of any local taxi drivers," I
told my wife, at the end of
our date.
"See if you can find one on
your phone."
"Don't be daft," I replied,
"none of them are using
my phone."


Had my first blowjob
off my new girlfriend
today and she told me
that my dick tasted of
Opium. I told her that was
Poppycock.

[Piper]

Birmingham mps call on
Queen to honor Black
Sabbath.
Brian May said, "Yea,
they're fucking awesome."


BBC to make a new series
about the royal family.
R. Kelly is to play as Prince
Andrew.


My Dyslexic mate said he
can remember where he
was when KFC was shot.


How do get an elderly
woman to quickly say fuck
you?
Have another elderly
woman yell BINGO!



Johnson and Johnson are
to stop making talcum
powder.
What am I going to use
to find my wife's wet spot
now?


Why isn't there a pregnant
Barbie?
Because Ken came in a
different box..


What do you call a Dyke
with a gorgeous pair of
tits?
A waste of a pair of tits.


Men are from Mars

Women are from Venus

All these other genders
have been pulled straight
out of uranus.


James Hetfield is getting a divorce
after 25 years of marriage
Sad but true.

[Piper]

My wife left me because
of my obsession with the
band Supertramp.
I've now met someone
else. Take a look at my
girlfriend.


This financial crisis is
crippling me.
I just had to wank the dog
off to feed the cat.


What's the difference
between a Bowling Ball
and a Hooker? Nothing,
They both get Picked up,
Fingered and then Banged
down some alley!


Mrs Brown's Boys

Dame Edna Everidge

Eddie Izzard

Proof that women aren't
funny even when it's men
pretending to be them.

[R650R]

https://youtu.be/bAatZUZ1tdI

[Piper]

Monkey Pox is another
thing that so called
conspiracy theorists
predicted.
They've been going WHO!
WHO! WHO! for the last 2
years.


So Adele wants to get
knocked-up by a black
man she's barely known
for five minutes.
Proves that you can take
the girl out of the council
estate...


Adele has declared her
wish to marry Rich Paul
Heather Mills hatched a
Similar plan years ago.

Adele declares she'll
'absolutely' marry Rich
Paul and have more
children.
That's the best way to get
him to fuck off.


Marrying that black dude
will be good for Addeles
music career. Because
when he fucks off and
leaves her holding the
baby it will give her
inspiration for more whiny
fucking headache songs.


Gary Glitter has stated
that he was in South-East
Asia for innocent reasons,
he was looking to remake
the classic film 'Oldboy'
with the updated name, '8
Year Old Boy.'


The man who invented
personalised number
plates has passed away.
His funeral takes place on
TUE504Y at 11am.


Transgender athletes
share their stories.
It takes a lot of balls to
win in women's sports
these days.

After deaths and injuries
Britain joins other
countries in discontinuing
use of the Astrazeneca
Vaccine. Its co-creator
Dame Sarah Gilbert will
keep her title.
After all, Sir Barnes Wallis,
inventor of the Bouncing
Bomb kept his.


I've listened to some of
the great lead guitarists
for many years, Hendrix,
Clapton, Buckingham to
name but a few, but that
guy from U2 has just got
the Edge.


Did Stevie Wonder ever go
on a blind date?


Rick Ashley has admitted
he's shit at custard pie
fights.
He said "he'd never run
around and dessert you"


I just failed my RAF
entrance exam. Apparently
'the bombay doors' are
Not an Indian tribute band?


What's the difference
between slavery and
fences?
Black people can get over
fences.


"PAUL MCCARTNEY TALKS
YESTERDAY "
Paul McCartney SPOKE
yesterday - grammar, idiot.


A New Hollywood Movie
has been produced about
an abandoned girl living in
isolation at Ibrox Stadium.
Monday sees the release
of...
Where The Bawbags Sing.


I knew I should've asked
a neighbour to water my
plants while I was away
last week. They've gone
drier than the queen's
fanny.

[Piper]

Anthony Joshua did a
Philip Schofield yesterday ;
took a good pounding in the
ring.


Athlete Dina Asher-Smith
has called for more
research into the effect
of women's periods on
performance.
I think the research has
already been done and
concluded that anything
that happens during a
women's menstrual cycle
is her fucking husband's
fault!


A Japanese Admiral said
"A million men cannot
take Tarawa in a hundred
years."
It took 10,000 US marines
four days.
He was right then.


If I hadn't misunderstood
what the interviewer
wanted when she asked
to see my testimonials, I
might have got that job.


The real problem with
Fox News is that it
never actually reports on
anything about foxes.


I helped my neighbour out with
something this morning and she
said to me, "I could marry you." I
couldn't believe it. You do
something nice for someone and
they threaten to ruin your life in
return.


FOR ALL OF YOU
MORONS OUT THERE
ASKING FOR
"FATHER'S DAY" AND
"MOTHER'S DAY" TO
BE CHANGED TO
"SPECIAL PERSON DAY"
THERE IS ALREADY A
DAY JUST FOR YOU.
IT'S "APRIL FOOLS DAY"

[Piper]

Wills and Kate are upping
sticks and "moving house"
says the Royal Press
Secretary.

Except when you dig
a little, they're keeping
their Kensington Palace
'apartment' ; 12 bedrooms,
5 reception rooms, a gym,
3 kitchens and a private
courtyard garden.
Keeping Amber Hall
near Sandringham ; 10
bedrooms with 150 acres
of parkland.
Keeping Tam-Na-Ghar
Cottage on the 50,000-
acre Balmoral estate,
And gaining Adelaide
Cottage, nestled in the
17 acre Windsor Castle
estate which sits in the
5,000 acre Windsor Great
Park.

All the time while the
royal slaphead is banging
on about conservation
and climate change he's
running a succession of
mansions, driving around
in Land Rovers or Range
Rovers taking over entire
jets for private flights, etc

The joke here is that the
royal hypocrite seems
genuinely delusional in
his belief that he's the
'new generation' of royalty,
doing things differently.
He's certainly doing things
more ostentatiously!

[Piper]

# True Facts #

1. In the 1400s a law was
set forth in England that a
man was allowed to beat
his wife with a stick no
thicker than his thumb.

Hence we have 'the rule of
thumb'

2. Many years ago in
Scotland a new game
was invented. It was ruled
'Gentlemen Only -
Ladies Forbidden'... and
thus the acronym GOLF
entered into the English
language.

3. Each king in a deck of
playing cards represents a
great king from history :

Spades - king David,

Hearts-Charlemagne,

Clubs-Alexander the
Great,

Diamonds-Julius Caesar

4. In Shakespeare's time,
mattresses were secured
on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on
the ropes the mattress
tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence
the phrase : 'goodnight,
sleep tight.'

5. It was the accepted
practice in Babylon 4,000
years ago that for a
month after the wedding,
the bride's father would
supply his son-in-law with
all the mead he could
drink.
Mead is a honey beer and
because their calendar
was lunar based, this
period was called the
honey month, which
we know today as the
honeymoon.

6. Since 1966,England
fans have said they are
going to win the Cup at
the start of every football
Competition, hence the
phrase "English Cunts"

[Bikkie]

Say what you like about black guys but since dating Rich Paul, Adele has had so many throat problems she may never sing in public again!



I've never been that interested in people identifying as other stuff, until I read about that Australian school girl identifying as a cat....

If she sits naked on the floor with her legs open licking her own arsehole, this I've got to see!




My girlfriend asked me if I thought female comedians were funny.

I said "Are you kidding? Women are hysterical!"



A nigger walked past me wearing a Gucci t-shirt and I thought to myself 'Hey that's mine!'
But then I remembered, mines wears Stone Island.






Just found out the Dalai Lama is a gambler He likes Tibet






Jill Scott( an English footballer apparently) says she is retiring and focusing on things at home. Good. that ironing needs doing, and them pots have been sat there for weeks



Went to petrol station I asked if I could put litre of diesel in this container Jerry can she said OK will u fetch him for me pls

[Piper]

They should rename
Father's Day as shit poetry
on Facebook day.


This nigger was waving
his huge cock about,
"Bet you wish you had one
of these," he bragged.
"I'll bet you wish you had
one of these," l said as
I waved my fathers day
card in his face.


Essex.... the only place
They do fathers day cards
in packs of 6...


What is the most
confusing day in Harlem?
Father's Day.


Happy Father's Day to all
the dad's, except the vegan
ones.
For you Happy Mother's
Day.


Without your dad, you'd
probably be soaked up in
a tampon.
Happy Father's Day.


A thought for Father’s Day :
Break a mirror.... Seven
years bad luck. Break a
condom.

[Piper]

Shit, imagine trying to play
Guess who these days

Is yours male?

I'm not sure what they
would identify as?

Does he?

They?


My mate reckons we
should bring back hairy
pussies.
He must mean hipsters.


Prisons are like a Box of
Chocolates...


I've been saving up for
years to take my family on
a once in a lifetime world
cruise, topped off with a
month in Australia.
But I decided to cancel
it and put the heating on
this winter instead.


My son was attacked by
a knife wielding thug so I
phoned the police.
I was pleased to hear
from the call handler that
their officers were at that
very moment dealing with
the stabbers.
Turns out she meant they
were dancing at a Gay
Pride event.


My local Chinese
restaurant has been hit
with a 10k electric bill,
they said they can't turn
off all the lights, but
do dim sum.


The perfect way to stop
transgender reassignment
surgery :
Tell them they won't be
able to reverse park.


Every woman wants their
pussy eaten.
Until they date a cannibal.

[Piper]

Just read on the BBC
Website:

Putin may have slipped
into Jordan...

Has that woman no
shame?


Princess Diana's RS Turbo
Escort sold for 650k.......
Pretty cheap when you
think Prince Andrews
Escort cost him 12 million
quid


The Great Australian Bake
Off's on and the wife said
she loves the feeling of a
Mille-feuille in her mouth.
How can she think
of Harry Potter while
watching a cooking show?


I was once in bed with a
redneck girl.
I thought she asked if
I wanted to suck her
clitoris.
I said, "Yes"
She then brought her
brother Cletus in.

[Piper]

Megan Markle has
only recently begun to
understand what it's like
to be a black woman.
Nothing quite like your
first visit to KFC.


I tired to join pride lineup
in a KKK outfit. They kicked
me out. So they don't like
diversity.

[Piper]

All this talk about putting
the first black man on the
moon is all very well and
good but for safety should
They not stick a police
station up their first


The Queen to miss The
Highland Games.
To be fair, the worn-out old
Woman has probably...
Tossed a few cabers in
her lifetime.


Porn star Riley Reid has
just paid 5 million for a
mansion in LA.
Fair play to her, she had to
work her arse off for it.


What do you call a pirate
that pisses on kids?...
Arr,Kelly.

[Piper]

The baby from the front
of the Nirvana album has
lost his lawsuit against
the band. Nevermind.


Boris Johnson at a press
conference 'hailing his
legacy.'
It's a bit like a toddler
looking proud after he's
destroyed your living room
and smeared shit over
the wall.


According to The Vagina
Museum, the bleached
stains in a woman's
underwear are perfectly
normal.
And now I know why my
beard has changed colour
recently.

[Piper]

Teacher: "Name a song
with a body part in."

Abigail : "Cotton Eye Joe
by Rednex."

Steven : " Angel Eyes by Wet
Wet wet."

Little Johnny : "Eye eye eye
eye eye eye eye eye eye shoulda known better -
Jim Diamond."


Punctuation is paramount :

"I once helped my uncle
Jack off a horse."
Or...
"I once helped my uncle
jack off a horse."


Liz appointments a new
cabinet would have been
better off with a cabinet
from IKEA.


Wow.. First day on the
job she has given the
key's to the safe to a black
guy... who wants to guess
what happens next.


Falkland Islands watch
out...
We have a woman PM
again...


I went to a fetish restaurant
last night..
I got toed in the hole!


Netflix is bringing
Teletubbies back and it's
going to be narrated by a
black man.
That's all well and good
until Tinky Winky gets his
handbag stolen.

[Piper]

There's a rumour that
Keith Richards has been
looking worried today!


With the Queen gone,
Prince Andrew has
suddenly lost the person
bailing him out of all of
his recent issues. If he
couldn't sweat before I
guarantee he's sweating
now.


I bet there's a florist
in Balmoral rubbing their
hands together at the
moment.


HM heard a rumour Ginge
and Winge were going to
make a surprise visit.




First Prince Philip, now the
Queen.
Another one bites the
dust.


I've got an Irish friend
who doesn't like Prince
Charles.
He just called him King
Charles the Turd.


Now that she's ( sort of )
the Queen, I bet Camilla
can't wait to sit on the
Throne and park her
Bowels.


Just heard 'God Save The
King' for the first time.
As written by Ed Sheeran.


I bet Mr Bean feels guilty
about the headbutt now?


All the schools in Scotland
were closed today -
nothing to do with the
Queen's death, but Andrew
is in the country.


Just think, anything with
the Queen on it is going
to go up in value, which
is good because I have
a lot of Freddie Mercury
memorabilia.

[Piper]

Butler : "It's 9-11 today Sir."

Prince Andrew : " Fabulous
show them in."

[Piper]

Wearing a mask during
the pandemic has allowed
me to silently mouth "you
fucking cunt at people
getting drinks from me,
but I'm finding it hard to
remember not to do it now
the masks have come off.
I can tell you, it's making
Communion fucking
embarrassing.


Just bought a 4k HD
65inch TV for $45.The
volume button is broken
but at that price I can't
turn it down.


Your call is important to
us...
But not important enough
for us to employ a
sufficient number of staff
to answer it.


What do Dolphins and
blacks have in common?
Both have lots of babies
and have no idea which
belong to them


Blacks supporting Trump
seems very odd to me
It would have been like
Jews admiring Hitler.


What women call an
intrusive thought, men call
an idea.


Prince Andrew is going
to look after The Queen's
Corgi's.
Makes sense with his
experience in grooming.


I've heard that the Royal
Mail Post Office is to be
renamed Charles III Post
Office.
or C3PO for short.


This is a very dark time for
Prince Harry.
As he recently got
into rimming Meghan's
arsehole..


Harry and Meghan
children's new titles.
They will be known
as.
Bombay mix...

[Piper]

Prince Harry has proved
an old wive's tale wrong :
Once you've had black you
can NEVER come back.


Did you know the magnifying glass
was invented by a Chinese
guy?
Should've just saved the
effort and opened his eyes
properly.


For years, I thought
Tony Danza had rhythm
because of Snap.


I used to do a lot of Tai
Chi, but now I prefer chai
tea.


If reincarnation was real,
I'd come back as a table
cloth
I'd get laid three times a
day and pulled off at night.


What's the difference
between a wife and a
smoke detector?
One, you can turn off
without even trying. The
other, you spend all day
waving a dish cloth at.


My lesbian daughter is a
self-employed plumber,
and the other day some
cheeky bastard spray
painted a massive penis
on the side of her Transit.
Now everybody calls her
Dick Van Dyke.


Grandad loves a stiff drink
that's why I put viagra in
his ice cubes.





You know my little sister?
I bought her tassels for
her bike.
Annabelle?
No, only the tassels.

[Piper]

I bet that's the last time
His Majesty asks Harvey
Price if he can borrow a
pen.


"Oh shit, I hate this. I can't bear this
bloody stinking, every stinking fucking
time!"
If Charlie loses his shit like that over a
drippy pen, can you imagine what he's
going to do to the flunkies who bring
his boiled eggs at the wrong degree of
runniness or his shaving cream at the
wrong temperature? Orff with their
bloody stinking heads!


Where does Prince
William go for
hamburgers?
Burger King.


So we're now going to be
given all new coins with
Prince Charles on. I'm not
amused, I hate change.


"Stop calling me the
Prince of Wales, call me
the King! call me the
King!...."
Demanded Prince William
while Kate pounded him
up the shitter with a strap-on.

[Bikkie]

Fuck turning the heating or anything electric on.

To save money this winter, I bought 40,000 bottles of Lucozade.

Energy beats everything



We got our vacuum cleaner as a wedding gift 10 years ago.

Like the wife, it stopped sucking after the honeymoon and then just started whining too.



Will Meghan Markle go in to black as a mark of respect ? ,



Elton John says to Rod Stewart, "I've just got a vintage Rolls Royce for my collection!"

Rod asks, "What Reg?"

Elton shouts, "I'VE JUST GOT A VINTAGE ROLLS ROYCE, YOU DEAF CUNT."



Did you know that the main cause of World War 1 was something to do with Franz Ferdinand

I've finally found a band that's been around longer than the Rolling Stones!



King Charles III has agreed to give Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's children the titles.

Golliwogs 1 & 2...



Life's a bit like an adult diaper.
It's shitty at first, but you get used to it.



My dad always used to say, "slow and steady wins the race".
Lovely man. Terrible sprinter.



The queue to see the Queen is now getting so long that by the time you get there you will be able to see Charles as well.

[Piper]

Just back from my local
I'm glad to confirm The
Queen's Head will be open
as usual on Monday. I
can also confirm that
Meghan's legs will also
be open as usual on
Monday..


How 'The Queue' isn't
called the Elizabeth Line is
beyond me.
Media missed a trick
there!


Prince Harry's moaning
as he's not allowed to
wear his army uniform to
the Queen's funeral, being
as he did two tours of
Afghanistan.
Give me a break Harry. I
was nearer to the action
sitting at home in Wales
than you were to the
action.


A South African MP has
demand the return of
the Cullinan I diamond,
that was gifted to the
royal family in 1905 and
now makes up part of the
royal sceptre.
From now on Indian giving
shall be known as
South African giving.


Prince Andrew wasn't
groping his daughter
Eugene's arse the other
day, he was merely
performing his duty as
Rear Admiral.


Biden, Trudeau, Ardern
and all the rest of The
Great Reset mob will
be gathered in London
tomorrow, for her
Majesty's funeral, live on
TV.
You know what I'm saying
Vladimir?


If your misses moans
about you leaving the
toilet seat up, just reply
with, "If I didn't put the seat
up, all the piss wouldn't
drain off it, and you'd have
to sit in that.. So I put the
seat up for YOUR benefit
darling."


People in China have
been warned not to touch
foreigners through fear of
a monkey pox outbreak.
Carry on eating bats and
hedgehogs though, that's
absolutely fine.


Rapper Post Malone had
an accident where at a
show the stage collapsed
beneath him and was
helped by paramedics.
It's not funny, we all have
to go through certain
stages in our lives.

[Piper]

It was reported that
Philip Schofield was
seen secretly entering the
back door of St George's
Chapel.
Well let's face it, if there's
one thing he's good at
it's secretly entering back doors.


"Why is Philip Schofield in
the news now?" asked my
wife
"He poofed his way into
the queue," I replied.
"Don't you mean pushed?"
She asked.
"I know what I mean," I
said.


Meghan has asked to
meet with King Charles.
She wants her kids to be
working Royals.
And both will be the new
faces of the PG Tips
adverts,
"You hum it son, I'll play it."


With all the horses
involved in The Queens
Funeral you'd have
thought someone would
have employed some shit
shovellers.


Meghan Markle was
going up and down the
queue to see the Queen,
complete with camera
and Microphone, asking
if anyone would like to
interview her.


Camilla to be crowned
Queen Consort.
For her its quite an
upgrade from her previous
role as Royal Horse.


Prince Andrew is the Earl
of Inverness
I suggest they change his
title....
The Loch Ness noncer?.

Jimmy Carr like a
rough Roger Federer but
Federer now looks like a
rough Jimmy Carr.


It's amazing what some
Well earned tax money can
do for your teeth, hair and
tits.

[Piper]

When the king dies will his
queue be known as a line
of Charlie?


My tenners have had
Charlie on them for years.


Stop having a go at Philip
Schofield. It's the first time
he's been near a box in
years.

[Piper]

Apparently the Taliban
want to ban tik tok.
They have got their own version
to replace it called tick tock
boom.


I didn't know that MAP
stood for Minor Attracted
Person, until I sold my
personalised number plate
to Prince Andrew.

Scientists have succeeded
in generating matter
in an empty void, in
a 'groundbreaking'
experiment.
Big deal. My missus
has been able to make
something out of nothing
for years.


Maroon 5 singer Adam
Levine has been accused
of sexual harassment by
his Yogi.
At least he's admitted that
he made a Boo-Boo.


The wife wants the
heating on.
There's more chance of
The Queen coming back
from the dead!!

[R650R]

There’s a highway to Hell but only a stairway to heaven.

Says lot about anticipated traffic numbers...

[Piper]

The next James Bond
films will have bigger roles
for women and a more
sensitive 007, according
to the producers, who said
'Bond is evolving just as
men are evolving'
No doubt his next car will
be a Trans Am.


Sir,
Having been in the queue
in London recently, I can
assure you I'm quite happy
Mr Schofield was in front
of me rather than behind
me.
I. M. Strait. ( Mr)
London


Let's cut Philip Schofield
a bit of slack for queue
jumping to see the Queen
lying in state.
The pet shop closes at 6



I got in a bit of trouble at
work when I referred to
the Pampered Prince Charles
The Tampon.
Unfortunately, Camilla is
the one pulling the string.


Packman is a very lucky
boy
Running around noshing
on as many balls as he
can.
Oooooooooh.


Whats a junkie's favourite
breakfast?
Ice crispies
with smack, crack and pot.


Mr car just made a
very worrying noise all the
way home that made me
feel tense.
Radio 1 played Adeles new
song.

[Piper]

Meghan's love for Harry,
is exactly like my love for
oxygen.
Without, we would both
just wither away like a
meaningless galumph.


Time for a new girlfriend.
She keeps asking why I
hold her away from
her face when she sucks
me.


Sleeping Beauty was
kissed by a Prince
Wasn't Prince Andrew was
it?


Got sacked yesterday for
asking the dense lady in
our accounts department
"When is the Year End"
Not, "When does your rear
end."


I told my girlfriend I was
leaving her.
"Is it because I make fun
of your little willy?" she
asked.
"Not really", I told her,
"I've just never been that
into you."


My grandad was always a
glass half full type of guy.
A great bloke but terrible
bartender.


I'm going to a water
sports convention tomorrow.
The first drink I'm having
is a pint of golden.


My daughter was
watching something
where this lady was
lecturing a lot of
extremely downtrodden
people to keep their place
in life and "be a shoe" in
what looked like a very
dystopian setting.
"Is this the new
Snowpiercer?" I asked
"No dad, it's a new
Kamala Harris speech."


USA news - NASA
successfully crashes
spacecraft into asteroid.
It's amazing all the
different ways they find
to just keep lighting the
devalued US dollar on fire.

[Piper]

My girlfriend is such a
slag her knickers are lower
than the great British
pound right now.


Just got back from
watching the new little
Mermaid.
Bit fucked up when she
drowned.


Vladimir Putin signed
a decree on Monday
granting Russian
citizenship to the US
whistleblower Edward
Snowden.
I have to say, for all the
shit Putin has pulled that's
actually a step in the right
direction.
Of course, Snowden won't
be happy tomorrow when
he gets his call-up papers
in the mail.


Showbiz fact :

Jonathan Ross's favourite
pop star is Ranking Roger.
But he doesn't like to
admit it.


BREAKING NEWS :

Meghan Markle 'thought
she'd be Britain's
Beyonc ( Daily Mail )
So the Montecito mansion
from now on will ALWAYS
be known as the Beyonc
Castle.

[Bikkie]

How is a woman like the weather?

Nothing can be done to change either one of them...


A guy goes into a cafe near the Arctic Circle and asks the waiter what?s on the menu.
The waiter says: "we have whale meat, whale meat and whale meat. And today?s special is the Vera Lynn."
"What?s that?" asks the guy.
"Whale meat again," says the waiter.




My dad got a job as a human cannonball.

He'd only been there 2 days and they fired him.

He went ballistic


Was talking to a lefty about immigration and he said I was far right.

Well, atleast he said I was Right.


"Graham Norton says he turned down chance to skip Queen queue: I thought I'd get it in the neck?"

That would have made a change from taking it in the arse.



Trying to find a fit bird at the pub is similar to playing crazy golf.

You want to get to the perfect hole but your balls always end up bouncing off some hippo's teeth.


You can tell if a women really likes you by her feet!

If they're behind her ears, she really likes you!


I've just found out that this emoji is a laughing face.
For years, I thought it was, "fancy a Chinese tonight.



Statistically 50% of Americans will visit Hooters at some point in their life. If you put an 'S' at the start, that number doubles.

I couldn?t afford to pay my Exorcist so I got repossessed.



When anyone raises the subject of my drinking, I declare: For your information, I have been sober for 8 years!.

No need to mention that it was 1978 to 1986.



They've now installed tampon dispensers in all the boys' rooms at my son's school for useless woke virtue-signalling, and my son hates it and says it makes him feel extremely uncomfortable.

I tried to make the best of it and advised, "Just pop one out and carry it around with you all day, as it's a miniature representation of King Charles."


Just got back from watching the new little mermaid

Bit fucked up when she drowned



The wife caught me in McDonalds and said, " I thought you were going to do some exercise when you left the house?"

I replied, " It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike."


Credit, Something I saw

I mentioned casually to the wife about making a sex tape.

She laughed then said, "Are you serious? You always finish so fast, it would just be a GIF. So if we made a porn flick, you'd come in a GIFFY."



Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today. An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink , his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger , the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking , 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said , they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything..
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again , the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No , thank you , we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally , as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin , the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
'THE TEETH'. ”

[Piper]

Meghan Markle up for GQ
Wonder what her wife
thinks about that.

[Piper]

McDonald's are launching
an adult Happy Meal.
I wonder if the toy comes
with batteries.


Coolio died I wonder if
He went to Gangsta Paradise.

[Piper]

Iron Maiden's Bruce Dickisnson became
confused and got lost running for a cancer
charity in the London Marathon this morning.
He ran to the hills.

[Piper]

Elon Musk thinking of allowing
Donald Trump back on Twitter
is the worst idea since Donald
Trump was allowed on Twitter


"Charles to get Crown next
year"
You know things are bad
when the king can't even
get a dentist appointment.


King Charles will not make
as many foreign visits as
Queen Elizabeth did.
Because the Queen could
go any distance but the
King can only move one
space at a time.


In the news:

Meghan and Harry
hunting for new mansion
in exclusive California
gated community
after outgrowing 12m
Montecito villa...
How the fuck do you
'Outgrow' a mansion
with only babies and
themselves?
A spokesman said,
"Meghan is having real
trouble, the door is not
wide enough for her head
to go through it."


They say that the vehicle
you drive says a lot about
your sexual preferences.
Which is why I'm buying
an Ice cream van


Married BBC presenter has
love child with stripper.
Apparently he wrote : l've
started so i'll finish
across her tits ( lol )
You don't have to be a
Master Mind to figure this
out folks.


"What's the first record
you bought with your own
money?"
"How many hotdogs I
could eat in a minute."


My wife has cut her hair
and shaved her head
down to stubble to show
her solidarity with the anti-hijab
women.
It's now exactly like being
married to Eric Pickles.


Holding the Eurovision
Song Contest in the
birthplace of The Beatles
Is like letting Gemma
Collins live in Albert
Einstein's old house.


Chris Martin has
requested his medical
team all come from the
far east.
The hospital have checked
and made sure that they
were all Yellow


Yoko Ono has revealed
what John Lennon's
favourite Indian dish was
Instant Korma.


M people are pissed
that the tories used
their song "moving on
Up at their conference.
Me too! R.e.m's end of
the world as we know it'
would've been much more
appropriate!
( Any other suggestions? )


I've just seen an advert
for a new black film, The
Woman King, with Viola
Davis.
She's bigger than her
sister, Violin.

[Piper]

This October I saw
the scariest fucking
decorations I've ever seen
in front of this house.
The Ukraine flag, BLM flag,
and pride flag.


I saw a black guy in town
and I said your sunglasses
are nice, he said, dems me
nostrils.


A Russian trumpet player
has successfully escaped
the country's mobilisation,
and is safely hiding out in
Finland.
He said, "I'm gladimhere
tootin."


Butler : "Sir. I'm afraid Mr
Weinstein has another
accuser a young German girl,
and we may be hearing
from her at any minute"

Prince Andrew : "Ah German eh?
They don't like it up em!"

Butler: "I doubt she will
have heard of
Dad's Army, sir"

Prince Andrew : "Dad's Army?"


At least Ukraine can get
some peace and quiet
now, Putin has just
announced he plans more
strikes. I thought it was
just The Royal Mail and the
London Underground that
did that.

[Bikkie]

It must have been a great day in the Deep South , when Blacks were finally allowed to play Whites at chess.

A lot easier than when the pieces were all White.




A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered!






I drank 15 pints of Guinness then rushed to the toilet to explode my bowels whilst in the capital of Columbia.

Bogota?

Yeah, it was a right fuckin' mess.


I was practicing some conversational French with my wife, and I told her she should say "I Brush my Teeth" as "Je me brosse les dents."

"Or in your case, I added, just 'Je me brosse le dent.'"






Yoko Ono has revealed what John Lennon's favourite Indian dish was

Instant Korma




Life in the Australian Army...
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila

[Piper]

Just watched the
footage of those stop oil
protesters in the London
gallery. Extra virgin the
pair of them.


What do you tell a 'just
stop oil' protester that is
gluing himself to a train?
That glue is made using
oil.


Those just Stop oil
protesters who defaced
the Van Gogh painting in
London will hopefully one
day see the error of their
ways, in Heinzsight.


Boris Johnson tipped to
return as Prime Minister
-and everyone thought
Russia was in mess!!


Queen Consort Camilla
goes to British Champions
Day at Ascot to race her
husband's horse.
She's in with a chance.

[Piper]

Meghan Markle wears a
T-shirt with 'Women, Life,
Freedom' written in Farsi.
What's Farsi for irony...?


5 ants rented a property
with another 5 ants.
Now they're tenants.

[Piper]

Howard Stern has
compared Kanye West to
Hitler.
Just because he doesn't
like Jews, there's no
reason to go over the top
and compare a talented
artist who's loved my
millions... to somebody
like Kanye West.


Jerry Lee Lewis has finally
been inducted into the
Rock and Roll Hall of
Fame at the age of 87
And in the same week that
his wife graduates from
high school.


Dementia patients are
now asking Doctors,
"What is the name of the
Prime Minister."


Imagine being expected
to look King Charles lll
in the face and say, "Your
Majesty ( or whatever ), Liz
is no longer in charge of
the country."

[Bikkie]

The other day we saw the ugliest fucking nigger arm-in-arm with the most attractive blonde girl you will ever see, and I couldn't believe it when even my fat feminist daughter completely agreed with me moaning about it

"Their sort are now so favored with benefits by the system that they bang all the top tatty now and don't even look at the likes of me !"



Instead of signing off with 'hasta la vista, baby', Boris Johnson should have said 'I'll be back!'.


Liz Truss has been offered a job in Top Gear.

She did more U-turns in 45 days than Top Gear did in every episode...



There's one thing harder to achieve than winning a lottery jackpot.

It's trying to press the X to get rid of a fucking advert.



Whats the difference between Batman and Black Panther?
Batman Returns




Liz Truss has been appointed as the new Spurs Manager. She told reporters, "I feel much more comfortable with an empty cabinet."


Liz Truss legacy is actually quite impressive she buried the Queen the pound and the Tory Party




"another one bites the truss"







A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan so asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hands except one little girl.
The Teacher looks at the little girl in suprise and asks"Mary,why didnt you raise your hand?
Because I am not a Liverpool fan she replied
The Teacher still shocked asked "Well if you are not a Liverpool fan,then who are you a fan of?
"I am a Man Utd fan and proud of it" Mary replied
The teacher could not believe her ears. Mary,pray tell are you a Man Utd fan?
Because my Dad is a Man Utd fan and my Mum is too, so I am a Man Utd fan too
Well said the Teacher in an annoyed tone "That is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.You dont have to be like your parents all the time"What if your Mum was a prostitute and your Dad was a drug addict,what would you be then/"
"Then" Mary smiled - I would be a Liverpool fan



Top 10 Achievements by Democrats This Year:

1. The standard of living is up 500% among Ukrainian politicians

2. Hilarious memes of Biden eating ice cream have increased 40%

3. Thousands of Americans have been saved from the threat of seeing somebody pray in front of an abortion clinic

4. That Paw Patrol movie was actually pretty ok

5. Americans have learned to appreciate the taste of bulk ramen

6. More women of color are piloting the attack drones that bomb Syrian children

7. Afghani women don't have to go to school anymore...or work...or make decisions

8. Citizens who bought a house, are slowly paying off your debts and made tons of new friends. (In Animal Crossing)

9. Bob from Newport got married

10. An 800% increase in people missing Trump


Me: Hey, I mess with your vibe. Wanna get a drink sometime?

Her: Sorry, I got a boyfriend.

Me: My dog did a number 2.

Her: What?

Me: I thought we were talking about shit that's irrelevant.

[Bikkie]

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing!


I'm not saying the wife's thick but the Doctor wanted her peak flow test and she took in a used tampon.



I'm not saying the wife's prostitution business is going badly but she's now accepting layaway.



Anagram Of The Day.
Rishi Sunak.
Hi Risk Anus.


Norfolk bloke to his sister:
"Do you want to watch My Massive Cock on Channel 4?"

Sister:
"No, I want to watch it in my pussy."


Watched My Massive Cock on Channel 4 last night expecting to see Julia Carey appear.



The question is whether the Sunaks at No. 10 (or 11) will outrun the Kumars at No. 42. Has anyone seen Granny yet?


Now that Rishi's in No 10, I wonder if he'll be able to deliver?

And if so, what's the minimum order?



What does a Hindu?

For years I always though it laid eggs

Now apparently it becomes a Prime Minister



10 Downing Street will now be open for business 7am - 11pm, 7 days a week including Christmas Day




My daughter got excited when I told her that after all this shite with the Tories, I'm seriously thinking to vote for Labour next time.

At least until I elaborated just because "There's some chance we could actually have a white man again."



Turns out Rishi Sunak is an anagram of
"Hi risk anus"


The Tories are doing their best to support small businesses.

As long as you're running a removals company anyway?



Tourists: If you're looking for AirB&B in London Number 10 Downing Street is perfect for short stays.



The Guardian: Pogues' hard-living former frontman finds success as an artist.

Must be a fucking piss artist.




So David Tennant is back as Doctor Who.
Did anybody tell him that he's going to regenerate as a gay nigger.


Scientists have yet again uncovered a game-changing breakthrough for women:

It turns out that the classic Four Yorkshire Men sketch, a piece in which the characters hilariously compete against each other to see who has suffered and been through the most in life, is in fact NOT what you're supposed to base your entire personality on



Horse for sale.

Answers to "Camilla"

Contact C.Windsor




Napoleon once described the British as 'a nation of shopkeepers,' and we're about to have one in charge.



So Boris isn't getting a second crack at being PM.
And just to rub it in , David Tennant regenerates as Dr. Who.

After 78 years Dietrich Mateschitz was right, Redbull does give you wings.




I was shagging a German bird and she was shouting, neine neine neine! nearly killed myself trying for a ten!!

[Piper]

BREAKING NEWS :

Nun's and priests watch internet porn. "
Pope admits - Daily Mail
Well that's a really nasty
habit!


Rishi Sunak picks new
cabinet.
Bet it's that IKEA shit.


Man City women's team
will no longer wear white
shorts next season,
due to period concerns.
They don't wanna end
up wearing red ones like
United!


I was reminiscing about
the time I said to the wife,
"Fats Domino's passed."
She almost broke her neck
looking out of the car for
pizza.


What's bronze and getting
stuffed for Christmas?
Mason Greenwood's arse.


It's Halloween soon... it's
the only time the Mrs
looks attractive...


The chancellor will
announce his new fiscal
plan on Halloween.
Is this a trick? Or lots of
treats for his rich mates?

[Bikkie]

William Bruce Rose Jr, lead singer of Guns n Roses changed his name to Axl Rose since it is an anagram of his favourite sexual activity - Oral Sex.

I thought I would do the same, so from now on, I wish to be called Alan.







I don't know why I'm not having much success with girls

My hobbies include looking after dogs and doing gardening.

When I tell them that I'm into bitches and hoes? ?they seem to lose interest in me!




News: King Charles going on all the Bank of England banknotes...

Nothing new!

I always had Charlie on my ones of the Queen!




I saw my neighbour dressed as a Star Wars character

Leia?? asked my mate.

Not yet mate



I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she was really into Alan.

It?s been a tough week, what with that and being diagnosed as dyslexic!!!


Enjoying a beer in a pub and a fat old boiler came up to me and said "I didn't think I'd end up with you tonight" she said with a wink and a smile

"Looks like a lucky night for both of us then" I replied

The kids round my way really respect the LGBT community.
They want a penny for the "used to be a guy"



For me I'm not bothered at all that in the new "Scooby-Doo" they've made Velma black and absurdly LGBTQ.

The hot one is still white and straight and perfectly ideally Aryan.



Halloween, is a time when straight males can dress in drag and be perfectly accepted without feeling awkward
around their peers.


I always wanted to create a social media site for people who take a shitload of drugs.
I'd call it Off Your Facebook.




Do women ever sit back and think "My man sure does know a lot. Maybe I should just be quiet and listen to him,"?



I got diesel today.

The girl at the counter said, "That'll be 69 69."

I replied, "I'll see how the first one goes."




I can't understand how funeral directors have raised the price of funerals and blaming it on cost of living!




Chinese in America think Halloween is a Bank Horror Day.



Nuns and priests watch porn.

In other news,the Pope's a Catholic




I walked in with a bunch of flowers today and my wife said, "Ok, what have you done now?"

"I slept with your sister," I replied.

"What? And you think a bunch of flowers are going to make me forgive you?" she screamed.

"What the fuck are you on about?" I replied. "They're for your sister."



The Pope urged prospective priests to delete any such sites from their phone "so you won't have the temptation in hand

Sounds like they've got their temptations in hand already!

[Piper]

"... Rishi Sunak performs first U-turn as
Prime Minister" .
He's Indian
Hardly surprising hes
used to flip-flops

[Bikkie]

Why is it wen spiderman covers people with a sticky substance he's an hero but wen I do I'm a pervert



Me: "Darling, where is the Weetabix?"

Wife: "Larder"

Me: I said - "WHERE IS THE WEETABIX?!?"



My wife killed a butterfly in the garden today, so I told her she won't have butter for one month.
She then went to the kitchen and killed a cockroach.
Nice try.


Tinky Winky left Tellytubby Land and moved to the ghetto to pursue his dream of becoming a badass gangbanger.

He was soon held up at gunpoint by a nigger who said to him, "Give me yo' muthafuckin' handbag, bitch!"


Two Irishmen in a bar. The barman walks up to them and says youre not allowed to eat your own food in here. So they swapped sandwiches.

Did you hear about the Irish woodworm?
He was found dead in a brick.





What do you get if you cross a Rhino with an Elephant? I dont know but its not relevant.




Miss Argentina and Miss Puerto Rico reveal they've married in secret.

See? Porn IS realistic.

Looks like Imran Khan could be out by LBW here.

Leg Bullet Wound



My dyslexic mate Dave got sacked from organising the Remembrance Sunday service. They asked him to hang up some bunting.
He hung up some bun tins

You're becoming more and more like a spider these days, did you know that!? Asked the girlfriend.

Oh thanks love, is it because I remind you of the Spider-Man actor??

?No you fat bastard ? it's because you have sticky hands after being on the web!?




A kid knocked on my door. He was dressed in all red with a string in between his legs.

Kid: Trick or treat!

Me: Halloween's over. Fuck off.

Kid: I'm dressed as a period. I was late.

Now that was scary.



After the American election fiasco 2 years ago, people are now going on about the Brazilian one.

For those who don't know what a Brazilian is, it's a narrow strip in the south directly below the American tits




I'm helping my son quit smoking, by making him wear petrol-soaked clothes all day.




Prince Andrew has hit the top 10 in the charts with a song about how many underage girls he's secretly filmed.

He peeked at 8.

[Bikkie]

The Sun: Prince Andrew blasted for not doing any charity work.

It's unfair. I'm no Royalist but Ian Huntley doesn't have to take this shit.





Walked into a pub carrying a ukulele and some fella said "Do you know you look like a fucking penis"?

"You hum it, I'll play it" I replied


Q: Name three football clubs that contain swear words?

A: Arsenal, Scunthorpe and fucking Man Utd.




My blind mates a cunt. I leant him 50 quid and he said hed give it back next time he sees me.



I just phoned my mate to say i've been sweating all week since i got a massive tax bill from The Revenue. He said Is it because youve no way of paying it? I said No ive fucked off to spain and its 38 degrees.



I was driving through the village today when reading a sign which said "Max Speed, 40".

I thought, "Happy birthday, Max. Have a great day."

[Piper]

For Bonfire Night I gave
my family a special treat.
I bought them all the
Ukraine's eastern front.


18 year old Millie Bobby
Brown has said that her
Enola Holmes co-star
Henry Cavill imposes
very strict boundaries on
their relationship
Reading between the
lines her fanny's probably
still tight enough without
having to resort to the
rusty sheriff's badge just
yet.


I think my wife has
become interested in
a league of fantasy
American football, when
she's just sitting around
on her mobile.
6 times in the last week
I've heard her quickly
waddle off to the toilet,
loudly exclaiming that
she's going to "Take the
Brown's to the Superbowl."


'If most of us remain
ignorant of ourselves, it is
because self-knowledge
is painful and we prefer
the pleasures of illusion. '

Adous Huxley

Funny, I was just saying
the same thing last night
to my side-chick Scarlett
Johansson.


The wife was shopping for
holiday clothes. She held
up a tiny bikini and said,
"do you think I'd get away
with this?" I said, "Yeah,
if the security guard isn't
watching."

[Piper]

What's the scariest thing
to read in braille?
Do Not Touch.


Just been to see that
Black Adam film. What a
disappointment, Rowan
Atkinson isn't even in it.



Watched Black Mirror last
night.
It stole my identity.


The BBC is remaking the
Terminator movie.
Arnie has been
reprogrammed to say "I'll
be Black."


My sister is a prostitute
in a working-class
neighbourhood.
She's not a specialist
more a jack off all trades.


The worst part about
being naked male in
a nudist colony is only
having one pocket.


Who named the English
women's rugby team to
sound like a euphemism
for periods?
Game on!


Football is surprisingly
popular among women in
Qatar, but I bet if the team
performs badly, they won't
show their faces in public.


When I was a kid "the
server is down" meant the
waiter was depressed.


Tell a woman to sit down
and shut the fuck up and
you'll see how bad they
really are at multitasking.


Did the stop oil protestors
realise the paint they
threw over the Van Gogh
painting and the Aston
Martin garage was oil
based paint?
.
What can a jelly baby do
that a an can't?
Come n five delicious
flavours.


Tablets were replaced
by scrolls. Scrolls were
replaced by books. Now
we scroll through books
on tablets.


Football fans heading to
Qatar can expect to pay
12 quid for a pint of beer.
Hold on, I thought they
weren't allowed to fuck
people in the arse over
there?

[Bikkie]

The wife was just about to put on Mrs Brown's Boys when thankfully I suffered a cerebral haemorrhage and was rushed to hospital.

Talk about a stroke of luck.



Red Roses fans have been speaking about a frustrating loss for England in the women's Rugby World Cup final, which New Zealand won 34 - 31.

They were full of Pride.

Well done to the BBC for finding a female fan who looked like one.


Shame about the England women losing their final in the rugby.

Trouble was that red card and sending off which left the squad down to 14 men.

[Bikkie]

Me and my mate make wigs...
It's not that exciting but it helps toupee the bills.





I once punched a Japanese Tourist who asked me for directions and then said "Sank You Very Much !"



I couldn't believe the little Nipponese had the nerve to bring up the sinking of the HMS Prince of Wales and the Repulse !



Where is Peter pans' favourite place to eat out?


Wendy's



Each to their own, but if you've already got your Christmas tree up your probably an attention seeking cunt



I just got tackled in a game of football by a bird.

It was a fowl.




'...My new girlfriend says I remind her of a Christmas tree.

I can stay up for 12 nights, have cute balls, and look good with the lights on.'

[Bikkie]

I got home this evening to find my drain pipe was broken and hanging at an angle.

I was guttered.


"I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it a 'Brella',but he hesitated when someone asked what it was"

(Courtesy of Andy Field, Edinburgh 2019)

If you have a breakdown in an electric car you can still use the AA.

Unless it?s a small electric car, when you have to use the AAA.



Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippy?

He was too far out man


My blonde wife has been rushed to hispital.

Thd idiot tripped over the wireless internet connection.



The doctor asked me if I'd consider donating my organs when I died.

I said "Fuck off, my Wurlitzers will be cremated with me".

I went into McDonald's and the girl behind the counter said, "Let me guess? Quarter pounder with cheese"

"Yep" I replied "That's what they call me"



There's definitely a fucking chocolate behind number 10 on your advent calendar this year...



I called my new puppy 'Sieg'...
It's great going to the park and shouting out
'Sieg Heel'


A human fart can be louder than a trombone.
...just another thing I learned at tonight's end-of-year school concert.

[Bikkie]

I'm sick of hearing black Friday this, black Friday that.

Don't you know all Friday's matter.



Qatar has banned the consumption of alcohol at the world Cup. Bummer! Yea they're also banned.


Looks like I'm not going to get any sleep, with my next door neighbour blasting Whitesnake all night.

Here I Go Again....




A fella in the boozer just asked me to name 3 Qatar players?.

I said George Harrison, Eric Clapton and Jimi Hendrix



Qatar will be hosting the World Cup, and people are saying that, from overhead, is their brand-new soccer stadium.

Looks like a vagina.

Either that or the guys in the Space Station are just very lonely.




There are two types of holes found on roads

Potholes and assholes


London Zoo have decided to acquire a male and female of the most endangered and rare species in England and display them for the public ? the first newcomers are a white man and woman







Gordon Ramsey has said he's become Welsh after spending a week in Wales.
Fuck off Gordon. We've got enough cunts in Wales without you adding to it.




No beer at the world Cup WTF!
That's like having Islam without the terrorism.


Black Friday sales today.

I've just bought two for a fiver




I woke up this morning and my wallet was missing?
Straight away I knew it was Black Friday.




My dad always taught me that if you're outnumbered and you can't talk your way out of it, focus on the biggest one in the group and take them down hard and fast.

Thanks dad. I can't see me being invited back for a second interview.

[Bikkie]

The recently finished climate conference was much less successful than its predecessor. Good COP/bad COP.




I was left disappointed when I saw Lionel Ritchie on tour this year when his gig finished at 10pm.

I heard that he would be singing all night long.




I feel Qatar are one email without autocorrect away from hanging fags instead of flags at all new football grounds




Just hired an Eastern European to do my housework The house is really clean but it takes her a long time to do the carpet She's a Slovak


Those Qatar fans look like they could do with a beer

Watching Qatar v Ecuador and I noticed Qutar have a player called athief.

Quite surprised he's still got both of his hands.


Watching Qatar vs Ecuador reminds me of two kids learning the buttons to FIFA





My grandad told me he used to fantasize about fucking on a black man.

Turned out he meant the woman that played Pussy Galore in Goldfinger.




A woman shall always have the last word in an argument because anything a man says after that, only results in another argument




I've just been to subway and I asked the girl behind the counter for their biggest, greasiest, most expensive sub.
They gave me Cristiano Ronaldo !



I was walking down the road one day when I spotted two black fellas sparay painting their names on a brick wall and one of them asked me if I would like to put my name up and I gladly accepted.

However, all went wrong so suddenly just as I had the first three letters of my name spray painted on the wall the kicked the shit out of me for being racist in which I was not.

They obviously do not like blokes named NIGEL.



I asked Paddy at work what he thought about Black Friday.
He replied, "To be honest, I think Robinson Crusoe would have struggled without him."


What do Chinese children get for Christmas?

Some of the toys they made


Marriage should be like Amazon Prime.

A 30 day trial period.

An annual cancellation option.

And if it doesn't deliver, a full refund.

[Piper]

Can't wait to hear World
Cup Commentator to say, "They
did really well to come in
from behind."


Germany to legalise cannabis.
Auf-weed-ersehen pet.


At this point, Roger Waters
has been out of Pink Floyd
longer than he was in the
band.
Hanging on in quiet
desperation is the English
way.

[Bikkie]

My Qatar Gently Weeps


I may be Generation X, but now I identify myself as Generation STFU.


Japan fans put other supporters to shame as they picked up rubbish after a World Cup match that their side wasn?t even involved in.
Big deal chelsea have been picking rubbish for years.

Smiled at someone on the tube today, pointed at my own face, and said, "Hey, I'm doing Movember, too!"

She was not amused.



Women on Facebook: "This is so me 😂"

Indeed, in particular the use of that last word

[Piper]

Can we cry for you now
Argentina?


Prince Andrew is doing his
World Cup sticker book
with his butler.

Butler : "Have you
Senegal sir?"

Prince Andrew : " No I've
already told you. I was in
Pizza fucking Express."


Belgium desperately
needs more incinerators
as it struggles to deal
with huge amounts of
confiscated cocaine.
I've got one at my house
if they want to drop it
round?


My blonde wife is so
stupid she took a bank
loan of $1,000, to get a
Bluetooth installed!
From the dentist!


DM me for my ex's phone
number. Such a lovely
girl, she said she's doing
a giveaway for one lucky
guy over christmas. Send
her your best picture of
either your dick, balls or
arse hole, and she'll select
one lucky winner.


I asked that cunt Mark
Knopfler if he could spare
any change when I was
homeless.
He said, "sorry I'm in Dire
Straits myself pal."



I've never been able to find
my girlfriend's clitoris
It turns out I was looking
in all the wrong vaginas

( Jimmy Carr )


After a poor result
and for refusing to sing
the national anthem I'm
pretty sure the Iranian
team will beheading home
soon.

[Bikkie]

Prince Andrew: "Pack the bags! We're off to Qatar!"

Butler: "Why sir?"

Prince Andrew: "Just heard on the telly. Great shaven, the young South Korean quim!"

Butler: "No no sir. Great save from the young South Korean, Kim"





Prince Andrew is reportedly getting an Amazon Alexa for Christmas.

Alexa, 15, will be flying in from Brazil next week.

[Piper]

BREAKING NEWS :

Rain expected in Qatar tomorrow
so FIFA have cancelled l all matches
in case of a rainbow.


Today's Metro :

England fans are expected
to drink 30 million pints
during tonight's match.
We'll I'll have a go but my
liver's still a bit fucked
from Euro 2020.


The US has hired a
specialist in shooting for
the England game.
I'm thinking it's Alec
Baldwin.


English-born Wales striker
Keiffer Moore : I can't wait
to knock England out of
the World Cup!

Wales 0-2 Iran

Some jokes just write
themselves.



shh, don't tell her, it's a
secret but I've just gone
and got the wife one of
those I'm a Celebrity Get
me Out of Here Advent
calendars.
She's ganna be mortified
when she opens it realises
that behind every closed
door is a egotistical, self
absorbed, please don't
forget about me arsehole.


The only thing my ex
hasn't fucked is
OFF


NutMeg.
My favourite spicy sex act.


If you're bored phone up a
women's rights group and
ask to speak to the man in
charge.
Nowadays, you'll probably
get one.


I named my pet termite
Clint!
Clint eats wood
( sorry! )





Just thought I'd let you
know I have a load of
knocked-off Victoria's
Secret bra sets just arrived
which will make fabulous
Christmas gifts for your
wife or girlfriend, but
They're selling fast.
If you send a photo of
your wife's or girlfriend's
tits, I'll let you know if we
have any left that will fit.

Merry Christmas!


Why do women wear
panties with flower
designs on them?
In loving memory of all
the faces that have been
buried there.


Why didn't the pervert buy
knickers from his Internet
shopping site?
Because her got them
off line.


What's the difference
between a hippo and a
Zippo?
One's really heavy, and the
other's a little lighter...


Thoughts go out to my
Mother-in-law. She's been
taken to hospital after a
bee landed on her face.
Luckily she wasn't stung
as I was too quick with the
spade.


A bride on her wedding
night says to her husband
I have to confess my
darling, before I met you I
used to be a hooker.
He says That's all right
my dear, your past is your
past, but I must admit that
I do find it quite erotic, tell
me about it. She replies,
Well before my op my
name was Nigel, and I
played for the British
Irish Lions.

[R650R]

What’s a Black Friday sale?

It’s when you get to buy everything at the price it was before a jacinda was in power !!’

[Piper]

Trudeau recently starred
on "The Great Canadian
Drag Race," to show
solidarity and "Complete
Liberation" with the
LGBTQ.
Things unexpectedly
became tense when
Trudeau kept questioning
why he couldn't go out
on the catwalk in his
Blackface makeup.



"Alexa, what do women
want?"
Fucking thing hasn't shut
up for a week straight.


The singer Bono, was
called up for jury service.
He was in a room
with others. The clerk
entered and pointed
at people. "Right, I
want you, You, You, You-
You, You, You,and pointing
at Bono.... YOU TOO


I'm sick of these emails
saying I'm approved
to apply for a Gold
American Express card.
Never gonna happen is it?
If she's reading this
Jennifer Aniston is also
approved to trap my
Bollocks in castanets
whilst pissing in my face.


My girlfriend said she's
leaving my because
of my obsession with Bob
Marley!...
Oh well, no woman no cry!


My pronouns are That/cunt.


Retirement is like being on
permanent holiday.

Without any money.

Or sun.

Or girls in bikinis.

Or booze.

Yes, it's like a holiday on
Rochdale.


After a weekend way in
the north west, I hope my
daughter has come home
dyslexic
She keeps banging on
about Black tool power.

[Bikkie]

The BBC has announced its Christmas line-up...
"Ooh, I can't wait for Mrs Browns Boys" Said no-one ....ever.


The BBC have banned the classic Bing Crosby song White Christmas from their radio stations. We live in a multicultural society and dreaming of a white Christmas is offensive


I can't believe it. Me and my wife were sitting watching TV when the founder of Apple just walked into our house and took all our Mr Sheen!

Fucking Jobs, coming over here and stealing our polish.



What does a non-binary gold prospector say?
There's lots of gold in Them/Their hills.



This year's I'm a celebrity evictions reminded me of a barcode, thick black, thick black, thin white, thick black..............


Police in Europe take down a 'super cartel' that controlled about a third of Europe's cocaine supply.

So much for having a White Christmas.






Prince Andrew is getting into the festive spirit as he was overheard telling staff he couldn't wait to have Holly up against the wall again this year.




The Humane League says they've received footage that leaves no doubt that horrendous suffering is systemic throughout chicken farms across Europe.

Those cunts caused horrendous suffering to my ears throughout the 80s with their jarring, two finger synth-pop shit.

The reason people tend to say "life is a bitch" is that if life was a slut it would be really easy.



What's the difference between babies and World Cup footballers?

Footballers scream louder than babies for no reason.

An asylum seeker just asked me "what is the best thing about living in the u.k"?

I said "well, you don't have to pay for anything"

He said "you don't have to pay for anything?"

I said "no I do you cunt, you get everything for free"



My Wife warned me, if I got her one more crazy gift she would burn it.

So I got her a Yankee candle.



'...Tragic how people in the UK can't afford heating and lighting.

Unless they're growing Cannabis.'

[Bikkie]

I've been kicked out of a World Cup stadium for wearing a Zippy, George and Bungle t-shirt.

Those Qataris really hate fucking Rainbow.



Christine McVie, now putting the dust in gold dust woman


My mate just told me Fleetwood Mac's Christine McVie has died, I guess it was second hand news





Christine McVie asked if she could die at home rather than at hospital.

"You can go your own way", replied doctors.



Buckingham Palace 11am...


Butler: "Sir, would you care for elevenses?"

Prince Andrew: "Hmmm maybe best stick to the high school lot til the FBI are off my case"




I ran into Tom Hanks once in London?s west end after a performance; what an incredibly rude man!
I asked him for his autograph on my expensive theatre ticket stub and all he wrote was THanks.


When someone texts me "I love u", I think to myself how nice it is that they have a favorite vowel.



The Wales World Cup quad have returned home to a hero's welcome

........... back in England


As a Pink Floyd fan nothing infuriates me more than seeing a Vegan eating pudding



I was in a nightclub last night having a dance and a lovely looking girl came up to me and said "you smell nice, what have you got on?' I said 'I've got a hard on & didn't know you could smell it'

Credit Jimmy Jones



Ronaldo has been doing his own preparation for the next match, he's been seen leaving the Boney M wig shop.



The wife keeps sorting coins into neat, separate demomination piles.

I'm not sure if she has OCD or if she's just going through the change.

Why is Black Friday not renamed Black Fortnight?



A Birthday Present - is just a reward for not dying that year.



Daily Mail: USA women's football team get a 6.5 million dollar bonus because the men's team qualify for last 16, under equal pay agreement.

They're like the renewable energies of sport. You still pay, even when they don't fucking do anything.

When she was a little girl,
She had a little quim,
She used to sit upon her bed,
And poke her finger in.

But now she is a woman,
And full of womanly charm,
Now she can get 4 fingers in,
And half her fucking arm!

(Thanks to MrCool & ddraiggoch for the poetry inspiration.)



Muslim terrorists have started using the laughing fox bomb in some attacks.

Ha ha ha ha boom boom

My new girlfriend is like a squirrel..

She's always trying to bite my nuts !

I just asked Elton John if he would like some caeser salad but he declined. He said he's more of a rocket man


Just reading about the Will Smith talk show interview. He blames the Chris Rick incident on pent up anger that stems from an abusive childhood. Perhaps if he'd been taken out of the situation and went to live with a rich uncle in LA this wouldn't have happened.

[Bikkie]

There was a young vampire called Mabel
Whose periods were always quite stable
On every full moon
She'll get out a spoon
And drink herself under the table



There was this Man from China
Who wasn't a very good climber
He slipped on a rock
And cut off his cock
Now he has a vagina



Meghan and Harry complaining about their lives, is a bit like the hangman moaning to the man who is about to be executed because he has to walk back in the rain



Chad Kroeger from Nickleback has another part in a nativity play this year.

He's previously played Joseph, a shepherd and even the back of a donkey.

He's never made it as a wise man...



Mary had a little lamb
She took it to qatar
She ran it to the football
In the front seat of her car
The police they pulled her over
And said "are you in a hurry?"
They took the lamb they locked her up
And put it in a curry.

Take that wordsworth!




What do you call a female footballer who throws herself down to win a penalty? A muff diver.

[R650R]

https://youtu.be/cO6VS7-c6_0

[Bikkie]

Fuck Me! England have actually sent some Africans home!!!

So if we apply FIFA laws in the real world, my missus can go shop lifting and when she leaves the store, if the curvature of her arse is still over the doorway on the inside even though she's stepped outside, they can't touch her.




Waiting for the England game tomorrow, I'm more excited than a lesbian vampire waiting for her partners period.





I'm a huge fan of Black Sabbath.

I went to put on 'Paranoid' earlier, but there was a different CD in the box.

I bet some fucker's broken in and switched them around to make me think I'm losing my marbles.
Joined a new Scottish Dating Site.
Aye to Aye Contact.




My mate's started a business and he knew his name would come in handy one day.

He's called it, Walter Wall Flooring.


BREAKING NEWS: Daily Mail UK

The world's first saliva-based pregnancy test is set to hit the shops.

Presumably, this only works if she spits and doesn't swallow.



I just tried Wordle for the first time.

It was wrong.

I'll try again tomorrow.


I said to my little lad, 'What do you want for Christmas?'

He said, 'A punching bag!'

I replied, 'Aren't there smaller kids at your school for that?'







A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman 'Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie ?'. The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman'. The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman', smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses.
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties'.
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie'.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it ?'
The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it'.
'Ok' says the rabbit,' I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie'.
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves ....
..... NEVER TO RETURN !!!!!!
One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you ?'
To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house'.
The barman says, 'I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know'.
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it'.
The barman said 'You never came back, what happened ?'
'I DIED', said the Rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman, 'what from ?'
After a short pause. The rabbit said...
'Mixin'-me-toasties'




I still owe money to Clinton, Gates, Murray & Oddie.

I'm really struggling to pay my Bills.

[Bikkie]

The Swiss are having a terrible night in the World Cup but at least their flag is a big plus!




To stay chill and look extra fly this winter, I get one of those ribbed puff jackets that the cool black bruvvas wear.
Buy i keep tripping over the cuffs.


I bet giraffes don't even know what farts smell like.



Those fools saying that Japan getting knocked out of the World Cup is revenge for Pearl Harbour should get over it and move on

And realise that this time it's for
sending one over to break The Beatles up



Are The Pretenders and The Real Thing each other's tribute bands?


"Glasgow Airport reopens following police incident 'after suspicious item found in bag'."

Turns out it was a ticket to the World Cup



Most women are like advent calendars.

Full of chocolate, and only useful 24 days of the month.



Me: "The little'un heard me listening to Enter Sandman by Metallica earlier & he won't sleep. He's terrified!"

Wife: "Oh no, I expect it's that creepy nursery rhyme in the middie - Now I Lay Me Off To Sleep"

Me: "No he didn't hear that bit"

Wife: "Which bit was it then?"

Me: "Take my hand. We're off to Never-never Land"



I said to this barmaid I fancy 'Spooky I should bump into you, you came on me in a dream last night'.

You mean came TO me in a dream, she replied.

I said no, I know what I meant, it was MY bloody dream.




My favourite player of the World Cup is the Japanese goalie, Kee Ping.



My Dad told me: Whenever you get asked a question, repeat it out loud and you'll buy yourself valuable thinking time.

Nice guy. Terrible Mastermind coach.




It's a little-known fact that Senegal took their name from Steven Seagal.



Look, I don't mind female commentators on the World Cup

But I have sat through about 12 hours of them and not once do they give any tips on how to get grass stains out of a white shirt, or how to iron a football top.

There needs to be balance you know.



I got my ex girlfriend a sex toy advent calendar this year.

Saved me having to tell her to go fuck herself everyday.



I came out the living room and kicked a football at my girlfriends face.
She saved it.
I think she's a keeper.

[Bikkie]

Harry and Meghan say Brexit made them leave Britain.

That's the Remain campaign fucked.

Ahead of the big game this weekend the French have shared the perfect tactic to get into England's goal. Pass it to the RNLI and they'll do the rest!



What's the difference between a white man and a black man?

When a white man tells you he's going to 'pinch a loaf' he heads for the toilets.

The black man heads for the bakery.



Let me get this straight?

While The People of Britain freeze and starve.

Harry and Meg (Part of the royal zoo) are whining about how hard their lives are.



Harry and Meghan just want to be left alone by making a documentary


It's like priests and Former Prince Andrew complaining that all the kids they've fucked have burst.


My wife told me to be more 'In touch' with my feminine side. So, I crashed her car and ignored her all day for no apparent reason.


As a biologist I've given women many, many orgasms over the years which has left them screaming

No, organisms, I meant organisms


How many nunchucks could a nun chuck if a nun could chuck nunchucks?



Why are women evacuated first in a disaster?

So men can think of a solution in silence.



Spiders are the only Web developers that love finding bugs.




I got an email explaining how to read maps backwards.

It was spam.

[Bikkie]

The 12 Days of Christmas isn't a tune until it hits days 8, 9, 10, 11 & 12 then it's a dark song about human trafficking.



'...Following the success of the whining, whingeing, blubbing and full of jealousy of Kate and for not getting her own way with the Royal Family in the first half of Meghan Markle's Netflix series, she is to launch her own British Ale.

It will be called, Meghan's Bitter!'


Elton John leaves Elon Musk owned twitter in disgust, tweeting that he has spent his life using music to bring people together.

Apart from Saturday nights. That's alright for fighting.



Aye, I've said it before and I?ll say it again - you learn something new everyday.
For instance, what I?ve learned so far today is:
When a woman says I don't want to talk about it, what she actually means is: I'd like to argue the toss about this all day today, all weekend and probably into next week too ??



Meghan Trainor's cooking Christmas dinner for Arsenal and Manchester City fans in her family.

It's all about the baste, no trebles.



Good sex is like a belt.

If its not tight enough try another hole.



'...Prince Harry thinks ALL Brits are racist.

Well I'm a Brit and I don't have a black woman in my house cooking for me.'


Christmas Party Tip:

Asking a lady for a kiss under the cameltoe is NEVER acceptable.
As I have just found out.

[Piper]

My dad always taught
me that if you were
outnumbered you should
pick out the biggest one in
the group and beat them
so violently that the others
will never bother with you
again.
Well, it's been over 6
months now and, sure
enough, we haven't seen a
Carol singer since.

I once had one of those
'May to December'
romances,
Ditched her when she
asked for an expensive
Christmas present.


Last Christmas we had
the family round for a few
days so I had to sleep in
the loft with my grandad
due to lack of space.
On Boxing Day morning
I woke up to grandad
saying, "I'm going down
to fuck your grandma, I'd
woke up with a massive
erection," I said, "Grandad,
you're 96.You can't do
that at your age." He
replied, "I haven't had an
erection since 1974,and
I'm not wasting it." "Ok
grandad" I said, you'd
better take me with you
you're holding my cock. "


I'm that skint this
Christmas I've just
opened a door on my
advent calendar and a
bailiff was standing there.


What do teenage girls
from Rochdale and uncles
at Christmas dinner have
in common?
They both go crazy for the
alcohol and brown meat.


Historically, we leave
the lights on for Father
Christmas to find our
house.
With the energy costs
this year the fat cunt can
get lost.


The NEWS : "Because
people of color are
invisible, the racism
against them is also
invisible."

Me: "Because Santa
Claus is invisible the
Lamborghini I got
for Christmas is also
invisible. That's why you
can't see it. "



Everyone got really
fucking upset with me
at my kid's school's
Christmas pageant when I
loudly complained about
how much the contrived
diversity shite has
completely taken over.
" You all can't seriously tell
me with a straight face
that song has always
gone I'm dreaming of a
Brown Christmas."



Parents :

Show your kids the true
meaning of Christmas by
having your credit card
bills addressed to them.

Santa knows a lot of
naughty Muslims that
will not be getting any
presents this Xmas.


My wife asked for Tina
Turner pyjamas for
Christmas.
I didn't get her the pants
simply the vest.


Hey, what are you doing
for Christmas this year?
Oh the usual eating,
drinking and arguing.


My wife pointed at me and
said, "Well you're definitely
on the naughty list this
year."
"In my defence." I replied,
holding my hands up, "I
was drunk and it was your
sister who came on to me,
not the other way round."
She stared at me for a few
moments, ".... I was going
to say you forgot to get
the sprouts."


I'll tell you what it is mind,
I don't think much of
this Christmas shopping
malarkey. So I go to
boots and they don't sell
boots, I go to Selfridges,
no fridges, Curry's, not a
Madras anywhere and as
for the virgin Mega store?


One door closes, another
door opens
One door closes, another
door opens
One door closes, another
door opens

Advent calendars.... So
Yummy


What do you call an
Irish prostitute stuck in
her house at Christmas?
Ho Malone.



They say one swallow
doesn't make a summer.
Well I remember getting
a nosh in June and I was
still smiling in September.


The weather is hotter than
a smackheads spoon.


Scientists discover female
snakes have a clitoris.
I wonder if they spit
venom and bite if you
can't find it, like human
females do?


A lot of people are
objecting to the idea of
a black actor replacing
Henry Cavill as the new
Superman, but I say it is
actually more realistic.
Considering the Man
of Steel's real parents
abandoned him as a child.

[Bikkie]

Brighton Belles
Just good friends
Butterflies
Joani loves chachi
The upper hand
Forever decreasing circles
Mrs browns boys
Birds of a feather.... these are just a few of the DVD box sets johnovox is hoping to get from father Christmas

He does have already a vast collection of material to watch but he hides them in case the police come to visit.




My wife just asked me why I'm drinking vodka at 1 in the afternoon.

I said it's Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve!







Why is it called an iPhone? It really should be called an earPhone!

I've just driven a twenty mile country road whilst smoking a joint.
I didn't leave any turn unstoned.







The newest Spiderman films are in order of 'Homecoming', 'Far From Home' and 'No Way Home'.

Now there's a black Spiderman the new one is called 'Fuck Off Home'.


What do you call a Muslim with a drink problem?

A Halalcoholic.

[george formby]

Low res pic of Santa accident while checking WoF worthiness of sleigh.

352018

[Bikkie]

BBC News: Amber Heard settles Johnny Depp defamation case

She wouldn't have had to if she didn't shit the bed!



As a child Gary Glitter had been a child protege on the violin.

Once a kiddie fiddler always a kiddie fiddler.

What's the difference between Ronaldo and Messi?

Messi ain't a whiny little bitch

Oh and a world cup ??



So glad I watched the World Cup final, learned a new phrase.

'French Fightback'.



White men can't jump but they can certainly take penalties. Au revoir....



Goodbye Qatar World Cup 2022.

See you in C.U.M. 2026




Excuse me, where are the arnold shwarzenegger dolls in this store?

"Aisle B, back"

Is there a war going on in Qatar?

Because the French don?t appear to have bothered turning up.


Lewis Capaldi's song Someone You Loved has been streamed 2.6 billion times on Spotify.

A spokesman for the site said, 'His cheque for twenty quid is in the post.'


Director Steven Spielberg says he "truly regrets" the decimation of the shark population following the success of the Oscar-winning film Jaws.

From his jacuzzi filled with champagne in Hawaii snorting cocaine up his big Jew nose off 5 strippers' arseholes.



Steven Spielberg has apologised for the killing of sharks after filming Jaws.
So, Steven, when will you apologise for the Colour purple?




Never buy flowers from a monk. You will prevent florist friars




What a match The new Dr Who and his companion look like.

They should be on Pornhub, not The BBC.


Or is it Big Black Cock?

[Hoonicorn]

Not sick, but hopefully funny...


:oi-grr:Tequlia won't solve your problems!

:eek: But it's worth a shot!


:sick: I'm not feeling well.
:mellow: You should go see a doctor!

:sick: No I don't trust doctors, a doctor killed my father!
:mellow: What happened?

:sick: My father, he had a pain in his chest, so he goes to see the doctor. Doctor says "You're alright", so my father leaves.... just 10 minutes later, "POW" my father is dead in the street!
:mellow: Oh no, a heart-attack?

:sick: No, hit by a motorcar.
:mellow: Well, you can hardly blame the doctor for that!

:sick: Yes, the doctor was driving the motorcar!

[Bikkie]

Just a quick reminder to all cat owners:

Now is the time to start feeding gold and silver glitter to your cats if you want to add that festive touch to your neighbour's flower beds.


Boomers: "I can't believe I wore bell bottoms!"
Gen-X: "I can't believe I wore my hair like that!"
Millennials: "I can't believe I was Goth/Emo!"
Gen-Z: "I can't believe I cut my dick off!"


Tyson Fury's showing off again since his defeat of Derek Chisora.

He has an extra gas bottle outside his caravan for Christmas.


I went for a job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday. After the interview I was given a tour of the depot.
I asked the guy taking the tour "What's that machine?"
"That's the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it's 99.5% accurate. It's controlled by 12 supercomputers, each of which is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC. It has over 15,000 state-of-the-art optical location identification sensors, contains enough circuit boards to entirely cover the pitch at the new Wembley stadium and it has 200 miles of fibre-optic cable. It cost over ?100 million to develop," he boasted proudly.
"What happens to the letters after it's finished sorting them?" I asked.
"We give them to a bloke on a push bike."



Life would be much easier if Christmas decorations grew on trees.



Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announce they have 'organised Christmas gifts for 30 refugee families' at the Mexico border.

That's got rid of 30 DVDs of the Netflix doco.

[Bikkie]

I wasn't surprised when lesbian female footballer Beth Mead won Sports Personality of the Year.

She licks all the boxes.

People got fucking livid with me at work when I called those faggots that do Drag-Queen-Story-Hour as "Groomers", saying that this word is now of course officially banned.

"Fine," I said, "i'd prefer to call them anyway what Google Translate translates this word to in French - "Les Clowns Toiletteurs."



Robert Downey Jr is...
Iron Deficiency Man.


I believe Gary Glitter's taking his family on holiday to Florida when he gets out of jail in spring.
Well I assume that's what he meant when he said he's going to Tampa with the kids.

Just in case anyone missed it last time around.


What do Harry Potter and the Spectrum of Gender have in common?

Both are fiction.


Wife: I hope you know I remember every single time you've called me fat and made fun of my weight. I have not forgotten

Husband: Elephants never do


Warner Brothers are bringing out a new superman movie in which he is black.

In this movie his kryptonite is an honest days work.

[Hoonicorn]

:2guns: Gimme your phone

:confused: Here take it, it has a 2mp camera
:2guns: only 2mp?

:confused: Its good, some people's faces look better blurry
:2guns: I don't want that rubbish phone!

:confused: No, take it, it's fully charged, you can get internet on that phone... sometimes.
:2guns: I don't want that rubbish phone!

:confused: I don't want it either!
:2guns: Its your phone!

:confused: Just take it, I don't want it.
:2guns: Just throw it away!

:confused: I can't throw it away, you have to recycle these things.
(Put it in a little bag and send it to Oxfam. Oxfam put it in a box and send it to starving people in Africa.)

:drool: (starving person in Africa opens the box) What de hell is dis? I don't want dis rubbish phone. I thought dis box would have a cake in it.

[Bikkie]

50 Cent is suing a Miami-based plastic surgeon for using a photo of him as promotional material for penis enhancement surgery.

Go shorty.




I wasn't surprised when
lesbian female footballer
Beth Mead won sports
personality of the year.

She licks all the boxes.




If you're having turkey for Christmas dinner this year, spare a thought for Chris Rock and Will Smith.
They've got beef.



My wife's getting a prawn ring for starters on Christmas Day.

I'm doing her in the fanny first, then the arse.




Jamie Oliver has a Hawaiian friend over for Christmas every year.

Upon greeting him, Jamie says, "Mele Kaliki, mucker!"


I hate it when people ask me if I'm a cat or dog person.

I've only been in Korea a day, give me a chance.


I asked the wife what my her friend gets from her husband for Christmas.

She said, "Elixir."

I replied, "After 25 years of marriage and five kids, don't you go getting any ideas."



Barman: what can I get you Santa?

Santa: Bells, Single all the way

[Hoonicorn]

Because he only cums once a year.

[Hoonicorn]

Eggnog-stic

[Bikkie]

Remember to start your
last wank of the year at
23.59 and 50 seconds.
That way when you cum
you can pretend the
fireworks and people
celebrating are you.




Today I found out what
Auld Lang Syne means
It's scottish for
"Thank God That Shit
Show is Over."






What's black and rhymes?
None of my record collection



The best things in life are free and so are the worst ones.


Apollo 440 said "You can't stop the rock."
This is obviously untrue as i was recently strolling down Hollywood Boulevard when I got an autograph from Dywane Johnson. He wasn't moving when he told me to fuck off either.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Especially the ones with cocks.



Now that the World Cup is over, we now have the ASEAN football championship.

Or as I call it, the Third World Cup.

Crushing news for women and daft men who suck up to them who proclaim that the Lionesses 'showed the blokes how its done'

After extensive investigation, it turns out that FIFA fiendishly pitted England's male football team against other World class male teams



After all these years I've finally found something good with multiculturalism! You can get a takeaway on Boxing Day



Shouldn't Lynx Africa be fly spray?


That markle bitch whinging about the paparazzi like it was her tits in the papers.

Fat chance of that though given its about the only thing she would be good for.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words.

Nobody who fears long words knows this.



Black guy crossing a zebra crossing singing "now you see me, now you don't, now you see me now you dont. I tell you, worlds gone mad.



I took a moment to remember the people we'll never see again last night as I stared through my Christmas tree lights.
Queen Elizabeth, Olivia Newton John, Sidney Poitier, Jerry Lee Lewis, Bob sagan... Jonnovox.

[Piper]

Did you hear about the
American chocolate
bar that's using its own
pronouns?
Her/She


If anyone can prove I just
copy and paste my jokes
from other places, I'll give
them? 100


I think I realised why old
people piss themselves,
it's not incontinence they
just realised they made it
to 65 without committing
suicide, their dreams
never come true and it's
time for some payback.


Scientists say that
regularly masturbating
can help fight off the
common cold
And that stupid
compulsion to contact
your ex


A lot of people are
objecting to the idea of
a black actor replacing
Henry Cavill as the new
Superman, but I say it is
actually more realistic.
Considering the Man
of Steel's real parents
abandoned him as a child.

[Piper]

# Top Tip #

Cut all power off to
the homes of climate
Activists. They'll soon be
back on board with reality
once the charge runs out
on their iphone


Cocaine is never a
solution.
Unless of course you
dissolve it in water.


Your delivery will arrive
between 7 and 9
That's also how many
fingers the driver will have
left if he's late.


I wound the car window
down a little way and
asked this young Polish
girl how much she'd
charge me for a quick
hand-job.
"5 quid, but I'm not
dressing the tyres for
that." she replied.


Totally gutted..

Came home to find the
wife in bed with my best
friend..
I'd no idea they're both
Lesbians..


When we were kids,
we'd have New Year
celebrations and get
excited about the future.


That black Adam is shit,
not funny at all no Baldrick
or Melchett, not a patch
on series 2-4 get your
finger out Ben Elton.


You know you are getting
old when you have no idea
who any of the porn deep
fakes are of.


There's a big sale on at
the Lego store.
People are lined up for
blocks.


I've just caught my
foreskin in the zipper...
That's it, No more wearing
zip up boots for me.


To applaud a politician
because he/she has
built a school, hospital
or something with
public funds is just like
applauding an ATM for
giving you your own
money.


Aye you know you’re
getting on a bit when
the girl at the McDonald's
counter asks you if
you fancy a drink and you
wink and say, sorry darling
I'm a happily married man
and she replies :
FFS, it's part of the meal
deal you ugly t * * t


A Jamaican teacher asked
six year old Denzel to give
her a sentence with the
words: Defence, defeat
and detail in it.
After a few seconds he
said, "Easy miss, when da
horse jumps over defence,
defeat go first and den
detail."


My girlfriend's surname is
Decker.
Nobody will blacken her
name


When do we get to cash
in all this daylight we've
been saving?

[Piper]

Met Office : 2022 was the
hottest year since records
began.

Me: Can you tell British
Gas?. There appears to be
a discrepancy.


The biggest joke
on mankind is that
computers have started
asking humans to prove
they're not a robot.


Headline : Dame Kelly
Holmes 'feels free' and
'happy' after coming out
as gay.
People struggling to
pay their bills despite
working themselves into
the ground are said to be
delighted for her.


Just watching the film,
"Zulu."
It's about a load of
ignorant darkies stabbing
innocent hard working
white folks.
Nothing has changed in
140 years.

[Piper]

It will be ironic, if a black
Pope is elected, that he
will be surrounded by men
in white robes with pointy
Hats swinging crosses in
front of him.


In an interview, the Pope
suggested that the
Catholic Church may
allow priests to marry.
He said, "If there's one
thing that helps people
stay celibate, it's being
married."


Unfunny scruffy faced
Yid David Baddiel has a
book out called "Jews
Don't Count". Absolute
Bollocks. How else would
the greedy bastards know
how much money they
have?

[Bikkie]

BBC NEWS
Prince Harry: "I want my father and brother back".

Charles and William: "Once you've gone black, we don't want you back".


West Ham Utd.

No silverware in the cabinet.

No Gold in the boardroom.



I have the answer to solving our inflation and illegal immigration problems in one fell swoop.

Stop inflating the migrants' boats.


"Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?"


"No Mr Mercury, it's AIDS."


Victoria's Secret Brand CEO abruptly resigned today.
I knew the cunts were going bust!


Victoria's Secret Brand CEO abruptly resigned today.
Apparently theyve been going tits up for years.

My blonde friend just texted me saying, "What does idk stand for?"

I texted her back, saying, "I don't know".

She replied, "OMG, no one does!"




Scientists have created a new ultra-white paint that reflects 95.5% of sunlight reaching its surface.

Further proof that white's cooler than black.


I was asked how I feel about the Conservatives and the Labour Party.

You can mix a bag of fertilizer and a bag of Diarrhea and you've still got a pile of shit.


My neighbour Abdul's wife is a woman that gets treated like a Queen.

A Benefits Queen


I had a bit of bad news from the doctors today, he said: I'm afraid it doesn't look too good, You're going to have to have a foot off

On a positive note tho, it means I'll be able to wear my kilt for next New Year's celebrations without getting arrested again !




I had a bit of bad news from the doctors today, he said: I'm afraid it doesn't look too good, You're going to have to have a foot off

On a positive note tho, it means I'll be able to wear my kilt for next New Year?s celebrations without getting arrested again !


Tobacco companies in Spain are to be billed for cleaning up butts in the street.

Whoever came up with that proposal must've been a real asswipe.


Science news: Recent study's findings set to shock females around the globe

It turns out that, just because it is socially unacceptable for men to hit women, it does not in fact give females the license to be loudmouth ill-mannered entitled arseholes



Anthony Hopkins says he has been sober for 47 years.

So what did he really eat that guy's liver with, Ribena?



News: Studies find that attention seeking idiots taking photos of their poorly children to put on Facebook provides no benefit to their well-being

[Bikkie]

BREAKING NEWS:

"...Charles and Camilla wanted Catherine to spell her name with a K because there were too many Cs in the royal family."

Well they got that right!



When harry met salty



Prince Harry had a frostbitten penis at Prince William & Kate Middleton's wedding.

Others had the chicken.


I've just read an excerpt from Harry's autobiography and it it he says that he rarely found cocaine jokes funny

But occasionally, a one-liner would make him snort



Today's headline....Prince Harry says he took drugs to escape reality........and they did the job perfectly!
(Meghan must be on them too)



I don't know what all this fuss is with William and Harry having a fight, I tried to play the drums with our lad when we were kids but it didn't work out, the little twat flinched too much


Both King Charles and Prince William have stated that Prince Harry's boast that he has killed 25 Taliban is wrong.

They went on to say that they hoped that his bragging would not elicit any retaliation from the Taliban at any of Price Harry's public appearances at...

Saturday
13.00hrs. NBC Studios, Burbank
17.00hrs. Counterpoint Books, Los Angeles

Sunday
14.00hrs. California Polo Club, Los Angeles
20.00hrs. Beverly Hills Hotel




How is my tin of so called 'Scottish shortbread' actually Scottish...? To my knowlege it has never worn a kilt, eaten haggis, watched Billy Connoly or been impersonated by Mike Myers..!!

[Piper]

Harry was furious when
William knocked him into
the dog bowl.
In fact, he went spare.


All we are hearing about in
the news at the moment
are the two princes.
I guess that's what
happens when you call in
the spin doctors.


Don't worry folks the days
when a fight between two
Prince's usually ended up
in war where thousands of
peasants died in battle
for one side or the other
are gone.
In 2023 it's resulted in a
busted dog bowl and a
few more books sold.


Prince Harry has accused
his brother of physically
assaulting and knocking
him to the floor during an
argument over his wife,
Meghan Markle.
Also deserving of a slap,
Prince Andrew is said to
be awaiting one from his
great-niece Charlotte.


You truly have to feel for
someone that admits to
killing 25 people then can't
deal with a bit of name
calling and had to put up
with only being a Prince
for the rest of his life.
Poor little soldier.


The corgis loved that
dinner...
A bit of ginger snap in
their dog bowl.


One of the rejected
memoirs in Harrys book
is about how he can't
watch his, favourite film,
'The Dambusters' because
every time Guy Gibson
called his dog Meghan
came running.


The Sweet once sang
You can't put Willy
Where willy won't go.
Well I've just watched
'Anal Whores And The
Vegetable garden' and
I can only assume Mr
Connelly and Co had led
very sheltered lives.

[Hoonicorn]

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $100s on the counter.

The bartender tells him "That's the bar challenge, $100 to enter, winner gets all the money in the jar."

So the man asks "What's the bar challenge?"

The bartender replies "You have to complete 3 tasks.
1. You have to take down Bruno the former Wrestler, the 6'4" man at the back of the bar.
2. You have to pull a tooth from Jack, the Rottweiler mastiff cross, tied out the front of the bar.
3. You have to fuck old Martha, the 96 year old who lives above the bar"

The man deposits $100 into the jar and walks over to Bruno, kicking him in the balls and bringing him down. "1 down!" he says to the bar tender and patrons, then exits the bar.
The bar tender and bar patrons hear a loud growl from the dog outside, followed by some whimpering. The man re-enters the bar.

"Ok 2 tasks down, now where's the old lady I have to pull a tooth from?"

[Bikkie]

He is stealing a living, his wife is a funny shade of orange and nothing is ever his fault.

Prince Harry is a scouser.





Prince Harry has revealed he wasn't Best Man at the marriage of William and Kate.
I reckon that makes him a Spare prick at a wedding.


Easily get a Netflix series commissioned by breaking a dog bowl and killing 25 Taliban.



I'm just waiting for the part where Prince Harry claims that Kate Middleton gave him a blowjob.


'...Does anyone here know if it's true?

That a cat walking backwards inspired the inventor of the pencil sharpener?'


Join us this January for the event of a lifetime as a different man enters every 2 minutes until all 30 have come into the ring.

No ... This isn't WWE Royal Rumble ... This ... is Philip Schofield's 60th Birthday Party

Anne Summers have announced that they are going to start selling a new lager flavoured gel that women can rub on their "Bits"
However, campaigner's want it banned amid fears of 24 hour "minge" drinking


Apparently porn creates unrealistic expectations of what pounding your beloved mistress is truly like



Having seen the interest in Prince Harry's book, Jeremy Renner is said to be planning to release his own early next year.

Working title: "Ploughing On"


Prince Harry's entire personality can be summed up by his quote "I want my family back"

Well, the first two words anyway



Apparently the Ginger Whinger Harry may have had a drunken leg over and popped his cherry with Katie Price. When contacted Miss Price was unable to comment as Harvey's cock was rammed down her throat.


Look on the bright side Harry...

At least it was Meg's bowl and not Camilla's trough.

I bought my new bride some cookery DVDs for her birthday to help her in the kitchen.


She bought me some porn DVDs on my birthday.

[Bikkie]

Why do we call it Emotional Baggage and not Griefcase?



Did you know that coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc? So I don?t give eeffoc until I get my coffee.



It's easy to complain about the cost of space exploration, but we should remember all the great things that stem from it.

Like teflon saucepans, memory foam mattresses and Jean-Michel Jarre concerts.



I saw a copy of Harry's 'Spare' on TV and couldn't make out if the sticker on it said 'Half price' or 'Half Prince'.



Poem courtesy of John Phillips:

"I [CAN NOT] recommend this book,
It's about a man
Trying to make as much cash as he can
From spilling the beans and dishing the dirt
With no regard for who it will hurt
It's everyone's fault but never his own

He's had a life of privilege but does nothing but moan
He shamelessly uses his mother's name
Ms Markle's used him to find fortune and fame
He plays the race card when it comes to his wife

Has fled these shores for a more private life
Loves Oprah, Netflix and being on TV
He will talk to anyone for a large enough fee

I don't know about you but I'm sick of it all
I think it's time his father gave him a call
And gave him the news he was no longer Royal
We can't give titles to people who aren't loyal

Let's see how he does with an ordinary name
Just plain Harry Windsor, things won't be the same

Why can't he shut up and go live his life
Make my New Year and sod off with his wife.?



What do you call a wizard who's fallen down the stairs?

Tumbledore...




A friend asked if I'd like to go drag racing, heck I can't even walk, never mind run in
high heels.

[Piper]

To look after your vehicle,
try Prince Harry car
Insurance.
Your no claims bonus is
guaranteed, because it's
always someone else's
fault.


Never mind, Sir Richard.
That wasn't the only Virgin
to not go all the way first
time.

[Bikkie]

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Ringo Starr's most complex drum rhythm.



Thought for the day - Statistically, pretty much all of the hands that's ever prepared food for you have also been wrapped around a cock at some point....... Bon app?tit. :D


Harry refers to himself as the Spare Heir.

Quite fitting given that this is something that William has none of.



I really miss seeing my sons play football, especially when they first kicked a ball as babies in the garden.

So I've started to watch women's football to get that feeling back.



Top tip:

Pretend you're on Aussie Gold Hunters by simply wearing a shit hat, turning your heating on full in the summer, covering yourself in redgra, inviting some indigenous folk in to attract flies and slowly offering cornflakes onto your cocaine scales.



Just asked the woman in Waterstones if Prince Harry's book is available to download.

She said do you want the PDF file??

I said no, that?s his uncle.


Looks like Tony Christie is going to forget the way to Amarillo.


'...The Psychiatrist dealing with Tony Christie's recently diagnosed Dementia explained, "The human brain is very complex."

"It's all 'avenues and alleyways", he went on to say.'


Why did cavemen used to drag women back to their caves by their hair, and not by their feet? To prevent them filling up with dirt



I met a black guy who told me he loves his job.

I said oh what field are you in?

[Bikkie]

I was telling my New Zealand neighbour I was buying some flat pack furniture He replied "do u think ikea



"What's the difference between a man who lends money secured on jewellery and a butch queen?

A man who lends money secured on jewellery is a pawnbroker.



Some of the Love Island stars are so orange that eating one out counts as one of your 5 a day





My wife said to me out of the blue,

"Are you going to come upstairs and give e a good anal bartering? "

"Fucking too right I am, but I think you mean battering, " I answered.

"There's a pair of very expensive shoes I want, I know what I mean. " She replied.




My cousin has been accused of selling out of date Irish Cream Liqueur.
The trial is at the Old Bailey's.


'SAUSAGES could be behind royal bust up' say sources.
I'm guessing William asked Harry what he thought of Kate and he said 'I'd banger'.



I've just bought a few copies of Prince Harry's new book. Just in case we go back into lockdown and the bastards start buying up all the toilet roll again


Health and safety has ruined Football. Anyone goes down and the ref stops play!.

In my day, a groin injury was the only time you got a dropped ball.



I somehow had an old youtube video come up from Trump's first campaign, where he went to the mostly black city of Cleveland and promised a "big return of jobs," and so many of them would have jobs that they'd "forget about playing basketball and who LeBron James even is."

In hindsight, it's completely clear to me now why they saw him as such a fantastic threat.




What's the difference between Prince Harry and Scotland?

Prince Harry was given permission to leave the UK...



A rabbit is running through the jungle one day and sees a hippo just about to do a big line of ketamine.

'Hey hey, don't do that' says the rabbit, you'll be spaced out for 30 minutes then that's the rest of your day wasted, why don't you come jogging with me, it's brilliant "
'Fuck off' replied the hippo

'Oh come on' said the rabbit ' i promise, you'll feel brilliant after'

'Okay, okay, if it will shut you up I'll give it a go' said the hippo and they both start jogging through the forest.

Wasn't long until they can across a monkey just about to open a bottle of Jack Daniels.

'Wow wow, don't drink that, ' said the rabbit
' I know it seems like a great idea but honestly it starts great but when the bottle is empty you'll feel sick, sad and tomorrow you'll have the mother of headaches, come jogging with hippo and me'
The monkey looks at the bottle then over to hippo who is nodding and says ' ah fuck it, why not, you've convinced me.'

All 3 start jogging through the forest.

In the next clearing 3 elephants were sitting down rolling spliffs.
'Erm....don't do that guys, you'll just be monged out for a bit, talk shit and then probably eat for the next 12 hrs, come jogging with us lot, it's brilliant, you'll feel ace'........promise.
The elephants look at each other then at the other animals and decide to give it a go.

Off they all set.

Just over the bridge they come across a lion cooking up some heroin on a spoon.

'Nooo' says the rabbit. ' Come jogging with meeeee...............an....'

Seeing the rabbit the lion suddenly drops the spoon, grabs the rabbit by the throat and rips his head clean off.
As his twitching body drops to the floor the other animals look at the lion in fear and confusion.
'I'm not being funny' said the lion 'but it's the same every fucking time that bastard rabbit does a line of speed'

[Piper]

The husband of that
American police woman
who fucked other officers
said that he is sticking by
her.
I'm not surprised. That
much cum would make
anyone sticky.


When you get gang
banged by the entire
squadron and the
pregnancy test shows a
thin blue line.


Shooting at Martin Luther
King Day party in Florida
injuries 8
Say what you like about
the darkies, but they
know how to put on an
appropriate tribute.


Tomk Hanks says that "No
one talks about his most
important film."
I had no idea he was in
Fight Club!


Then there's that moment
when you misspell a word
so incorrectly that even
auto-correct is like, "You're
on your own with this
one!"


Why do birds suddenly
appear?
Because they somehow
know when you've come
into money.


Startling news for women :
If it wasn't announced on
Facebook, it still happened.


This vegan was giving me
a lecture of the benefits of
water.
" To much is bad for you, I
said
Never heard such rubbish
in my life," he snapped at
me.
"OK", I answered, "didn't
do the titanic and it's
passengers much good
did it?"


If you want to know how
many bees Noah had...
Check the ark hives.


Never trust a woman who
needs glasses but doesn't
wear them:she'll never
see the issue.


I'm in A&E. I don't want
to go into too much
detail, but the' Dyson Ball
Cleaner 'is a dangerously
misleading product name.

[Piper]

BREAKING NEWS :

World's oldest person, a
nun aged118,, has died in her sleep.
RETURNED - UNOPENED


The wife decided to get
me back for cheating
with her mate on the
bench in my local park by
shagging my mate on the
roundabout.
What goes around cums
around.

[Piper]

Aqua-Man is the worst
Superhero ever.
But he does make women
wet.


Just A Tought:
Basil Brush going about
in public wearing a niqab
would shit people up a bit
wouldn't it?

What's the difference
between a black American
Gangster and Rishi Sunak?
A black American
Gangster is always
strapped.


One of the main reasons
I want a girlfriend in
the future is so I can
nickname her "Small
Package", and her
nickname for me would be
"Good Things."


I've had enough of this
gender neutral, non-binary,
Sam Smith, pansexual
shit.
It's always they versus us


My prostitute gave me an
STD
A super tired dick.


You know it's a good night
out when you duck out of
the pub to get more cash
so you can keep drinking,
get to the cashpoint, and
for the life of you can't
remember your PIN.


Just think about that
show "To catch a
Predator" and how they
exposed husbands,
fathers, faith leaders and
community leaders. But
NEVER a Drag Queen.


Linda Blair's role in the
Exorcist sure made her
one heck of a head-turner.

[Piper]

Why are women calling
men clowns? Last I
checked, clowns wear
wigs and makeup.


"My partner has been
depressed for years, but
won't seek help"
Tell him to file for divorce.


You know you’re having
difficulties with the cost
of living crisis when you
have to jump in a cold
shower to wipe your arse!


I'm thinking of starting
my own TV streaming
company. Just showing
films of druggies waiting
for their heron. I'm calling
it Next fix.


What do you call a
transgender man who
identifies as a woman?
I normally call them cunts.


The speed in which a
woman says "Nothing"
when asked what's
wrong? is inversely
proportional to the
severity of the coming
storm.


Henry VIII had many
wives.
He liked to chop and
change.


Shark attacks are to
be labelled 'negative
encounters,' To show that
predators mean no harm.
Well, I must have had a
negative encounter when
I had my phone and wallet
stolen at knife point. They
are just ignorant animals
acting on instinct.


Has anyone else watched
Dirty Rotten Scammers
on BBC1 with Michelle
Acterly talking and thought
they were watching
Planet of the Apes film?


There's a nudist
convention in my home
town tomorrow. I might go
if I've got nothing on.

[Bikkie]

What do the 50th anniversary release of Dark Side of the Moon and Gay Pride Month have in common?

It's all about the Money.




The woke brigade are gunning,
For the 'Dark side of the moon',
And I bet the whole thing started,
From a Paki or a Koon.
You will need to get your facts right,
It's been there before the gays,
And I bet that no-one's listening,
To your failed and futile craze.
So I bet you popped a boner,
The attention made you cum,
But to me, the lads and Floyd,
You are comfortably dumb.




A spokesperson for Pink Floyd has stated that, despite the rumours, the band will not be changing their pronouns to Us and Them.




Dammit!

I accidentally listened to The Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd, and I think the rainbow on the cover's turned me gay.

Now I'm in the mood for A Sausageful of Secretions.




The thick cunts complaining about the new Dark Side of The Moon cover are probably on the spectrum.



I just watched a remastered version of the wizard of oz. Can't believe how woke it was, singing about rainbows and shit. I'm boycotting it. Disgraceful!




If you switch off your electricity between 5 and 6pm, you'll get a tenner off your bill. Only if you have a smart meter. I don't have a smart meter.

Damn. I'm going to miss out on getting money back, for electricity I won't be using.



" Midwives to strike on 7th February "

They might have given nine months warning.



Famously, due to her less than accomplished singing abilities, Victoria Beckham's microphone was often switched off during Spice Girls concerts

Making her the only performer in history to be both a wannabe singer and a non-Wannabe singer





The Brit Awards has come under fire after no female artists were nominated in the Best Artist category this year.

Having heard the fucking state of new music nowadays, I don't think any male artists should have been nominated either.




I told my mate that I met a real minger in the pub on Friday, took her back to my place and banged her over the sofa.

It reminded me of that film I said.

Basic Instinct? he asked

No Enter the Dragon




Im a bit picky as trying to look after myself in 2023 but has anyone got any vegan, gluten-free, caffeine-free, uncarbonated, sugar free, locally sourced, organic, sustainably fed, BLM loving, Sam Smith adoring, trans promoting, white hetrosexual male bashing, free-trade crack cocaine I can buy ??



My gambling addiction has bought my family closer together. Since we had to sell our 5 bedroom house and move into a bedsit!




You know your watching too much porn when everytime you send your wife a message followed by xxx and hamster keeps popping up





A few years ago, Buzz Aldrin agreed to take part in a live interview and as the director used his fingers to count down silently from five, Aldrin leaned over to the reporter and said, "Nothing about the moon, ok?"

That was the only real countdown he ever had.



The coronation of King Charles III will champion refugees, diversity and volunteering.

Harry and Meghan will be used as examples.



My mate Dave just burst in through my door asking for a favour? But the daft c*nt tripped and fell into my stash of marijuana.

A friend in need is a friend in weed.

[Piper]

What do women and
swimming pools have in
common?
They cost a great deal to
maintain considering
the time you spend inside.


LGBQIA + The alphabet for
dyslexics.


I was called in for a
contract signing but IÂ’ve
been sitting here for twenty
minutes without a pen in
sight, cunt in the corner
flapping his hands about
worse than a autistic lad
in a porn shop.
My advice never try
and do business with the
Royal National Institute
for the Deaf.


I've just woken from a 10
year coma and the nurse
is testing my English
abilities. She just asked
me what my pronouns are.
Bit of an odd question.


You can tell the sex of an
ant by throwing it in water
if it sinks its a girl ant If it
floats is bouyant.


Is pornography damaging
the young children?
It is if they're in it.


What's the worst thing you
could come across when
surfing the Web?
Your keyboard.


With some peoples
surnames coming
from their ancestors
professions like Cooper
for barrel makers and
Baker from bakers.
Does that mean if your
surname is Dickinson,
your ancestors worked for
The clergy?


Donald Trump will soon
be returning to Facebook,
when his Meta account is
reinstated
Oh no! He'll swamp
the place with bigotry,
stupidity and conspiritard
Bollocks... Oh, wait...


Headline :"Princess of
Wales vows to help
children manage their
emotions better"
Starting with Harry.


A few gay people have
objected to straight actors
playing homosexual
characters.
They are less forthcoming
however on the subject
of stars like Rock Hudson
and Cary Grant exploiting
women around the world
by pretending to be
heterosexual heartthrobs.

[Bikkie]

Prince Harry has just revealed why he and his wife quit the UK. She took one look at the Queen's diary and said "Fuck it. I'm not doing that for the next fifty years".



King Charles has said that Andrew can no longer use the royal suites. A bit unfair. The best way for the paedo to attract kids is with sweets!



UK Engineers built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets, etc, to simulate collisions with airborne birds to test the strength of these windshields.

NASA scientists heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new Space Force shuttles.

So the British sent a gun to our colonial cousins at NASA.

When the gun was fired, the Yanks were shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, smashed the new space shuttle's shatterproof windshield to smithereens, blasted on through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified NASA sent the disastrous results of the experiment back to the Brits, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the UK engineers for suggestions.

London duely responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken first."

[Piper]

S club 7 Member
complains that they are
not millionaires and are
homeless.
Makes sense now that
they have a song called
Don't stop moving?

[Bikkie]

I just saw Rob Zombie on the telly and thought somebody had microwaved Jason Momoa on high for 30 minutes.



Things are so desperate I can barely afford to buy essential items.

Such as alcohol drugs & scratch cards.

[Bikkie]

According to some "report" from some controlled mainstream institute, apparently 2022 was "the worst year" for bigotry against Trans people.

Personally I'd like to see what would happen to send any of these dress-wearing grooming faggots back to the year 1590 or so, and see if anything else happens to them besides just getting tied to a post and set on fire instantly.



We used to spend all winter praying the central heating never broke down.

Now we spend all winter praying it does.





Due to the current high cost of energy, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off.




Despite the criticisms, Sam Smith's extremely faggoty new music video of him prancing around in a lace onesie has for him been a resounding success.

He's even now the overwhelming favorite in the betting odds to take over as the next woke Bond.



I just went for a job interview in the fuel industry. They asked me what experience I have. I explained that I regularly go out robbing people in broad daylight.

I start tomorrow


Apparently the Queen advised Prince Andrew to take on some charity work to 'clear his name'.

Ow's about that, then?


I referred to pop star Sam Smith as 'him' on Twitter, and they sent me a Tweet criticising me for using the wrong pronoun.

So I replied, 'Sorry, dude.'

[Piper]

The Principality Stadium
have banned choirs from
singing Delilah by Tom
Jones

Why why why


The Welsh Rugby Union
has ordered the 1968 Sir
Tom Jones hit Delilah
to be removed from its
Principality Stadium
choirs song list on the eve
of the 2023 Six Nations.
Gareth Thomas would
probably like them to
adopt West End Girls by
The Pet Shop Boys.


Women just need to tell
their story.
Men need to prove theirs.


People who say they're
high on life have obviously
never done business with
My drug dealer.


Researchers have
concluded that there are
four types of drunks :

The Hemingway - their
personality stays the
same.

The Mary Poppins - they
become even sweeter and
more outgoing.

The Nutty Professor - they
become an uninhibited
attention - seeker.

The Mr Hyde - they
become hostile.

Well, when I have a skinful
I usually just stumble
around talking crap and
getting on everyone's
nerves, then piss my
trousers.

So I guess I'm a
Hemingway.

[Bikkie]

Once on Netflix, my wife wanted to watch Brokeback Fucking Mountain, saying that "Heath Ledger is studly".... It wasn't long before I said "this is the gayest fucking thing I've ever seen", and my wife said, "Oh come darling, it's so touching and romantic !"

"You can't be fucking serious.... Every single time I've done the exact same thing and flipped your fat arse over and only used spit as lube before repeatedly fucking you up the duff, all you did was scream so fucking loud that you woke up the whole neighbourhood."



Gary Glitter couldn?t stay out of M&S when he saw the advertising.

Children?s pants half off.




Well done Sam Smith on your album 'Gloryhole'... I mean 'Gloria' getting to number 1.




I asked Tom Jones if his songs getting banned was a rare occurrence, he said "it's not unusual."





So Tom Jones has been banned from singing Delilah.

Good, at his age he should be smoking some green green grass at home.

[Bikkie]

It's amazing how quickly technology improves.

When I was in high school we didn't even have mobile phones and yet now I can wear a bracelet that tells the police if I leave the house.


US intelligence found out the spy balloon was called Wong Wei.



NEWS: "Prince Harry lost his virginity to a female digger driver"

It's been downhill for him since then...

Digger driver to spade.


So the Doctor said I must arrive on a full bladder..

Friggin weirdo - I'll be arriving on the bus !



The Americans are moaning about a Chinese balloon being in their air space but to be fair the Chinese had a big orange balloon in theirs in 2017.

I heard this doctor describing the entire coronavirus response somehow as "a success."

I questioned "How can this be," until I considered they were actually successful doing their real objective, chemoing the big orange tumour right out of the White House.


My girlfriend calls me 'Johnny Rotten'

I'm not into Punk rock i just keep using the same condom.


Any woman who thinks they have to be good looking to be successful, only has to have a look at that Sam Smith bird

[Piper]

You know when you are
at that stage in your
marriage when the wife
says,
"Your on a promise this
weekend"
And you're thinking, "I
hope it's a mixed grill."


My wife said, "You never
listen to me, you only hear
what you want to hear"
I said, "Sure I'll have a beer"


How can you tell if
It's your turn to do the
laundry?

1.Look down your pants.

2.Do you have a penis?

3.Yes,its not your turn.


Grammar lesson:

Lose=Opposite of win

Loose=Your mum.


What's the difference
between Dubai and Abu
Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't
like the Flintstones, but
the people in Abu Dhabi
do.


Wives are funny
creatures, they don't
have sex with their
husbands for weeks
and then want to kill
the woman that does.


A psychiatrist was conducting
a group therapy session with
three young mothers and
their small children.

"You all have obsessions." he
observed.
To the first mother, he said,
"You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter
Candy."
He turned to the second mum.
"Your obsession is money.
Again, it manifests itself in
your child's name
Penny."
At this point, the third mother
got up, took her little boy and
whispered, "Come on Dick, lets
go."


I've just been kicked out of
the community BBQ and
arrested. I
misunderstood when the
wife said she wanted Daddy's
sauce in her buns.


I walked into a pub carrying a
ukulele and some fella said,
"You know you look like a
penis"?
"You hum it I'll play it"
I replied.


When I was a baby, my
parents used to bath me
in cheap Australian larger.
It wasn't until I was 18
that I realised I'd been
Fostered.


What's the difference
between a dwarf and a
midget?
Very little.


I was wondering why there
are so many vampires in
Europe, but not in Africa.
And then I realised,
Vampires are killed by holy
water. They bless the rains
down in Africa.


I had these religious people
knock on the door who warned
me with complete seriousness
that I could be at risk of "spending
eternity with the Antichrist."
"Too late, I already fucking
married it.".

What's dog shit and women
got in common?
The older they get the easier
they are to pick up.


We know the spy balloon
wasn't German, because
it would've been red and
99 of them.

[Piper]

Happy Black History Month
to the most successful
African-American in history.
Elon Musk!


Black History.
More like criminal records.

[Piper]

Prince Harry's book reveals
he lost virginity to older
women.
It makes a nice change
that at least one of the
Royals like older women,
Charles and Phillip were
suspiciously best friends
with Jimmy Saville and
Andrew openly like them
underage.


What's the difference
between an American and
a computer?
American's don't have
troubleshooting.




My mate said that the
Jehovah's Witnesses
came to his house
today and gave him a
Watchtower.
Well that's his lookout.


I was walking home from
work tonight when I saw
a fight between an illegal
immigrant and a known
paedophile...
... it was Alien V Predator.


One of the Pins on my
watch broke this morning
so I went to the repair
shop to get it fixed, The
sales assistant asked
whether I wanted to try a
new Strap-on.
I thought, that's a bit
forward of her.


Anyone seen the new scat
version of Sister Act?
It's called "Runs on The
Nun."


I can tell a lot by the way
women walk
They usually walk away
when I asked them out!!!


Last night ;I was totally
lost in the dragon of
Darkness...
That's the last time I go
into the mother-in-law's
handbag.


Boss:" You've been late
for work three times this
week. Do you know what
that means?"

Me:" It's Wednesday? "


My nan texted me with
the message, Do you
want to come over to have
tea together then later, a
wank in the park??
Fucking predictive text
she meant dark not park.

[Piper]

The paraplegic Olympics are being
held in London this year, and in order
to help visitors the organisers have
published a leaflet containing
cockney rhythming slang for the
disabled.

bacon rind=bland

canary wharf =dwarf

cardiral Wolseley "cerebral palsy

raspberry ripple=cripple

wasps and bees=amputees

tulips and roses=multiple sclerosis

diet Pepsi =epilepsy

benny and the jets=tourettes

watch your wallet =black cunt.


They see me Rowlin'
They/Them hatin'


If tomorrow you woke
up as the opposite sex -
what's the first thing you
would do?
If it were me I would play
with my tits for a while _
then see if i could still
park my car..


Dad, I need help with my
homework. What's critical
Race Theory?
You know how prisoners
form into gangs based on
race and religion, son? It's
that.


Just replied to an ad
offering me hot sex with
local older women.
Should be interesting. I am
86.


So the Doctor said I must
arrive on a full bladder.
Friggin weirdo-I'll be
arriving on the bus!


News: strip club in Las
Vegas offering Mother's
Day dinner special.
When asked what they
do for Father’s Day, the
strippers said, "what are
father's?


There's a guy at work who
has one leg shorter than
the other, which causes
his head to bob from side
to side. They call him" The
Snipers nightmare.


A Fox News contributor
said he was amazed the
FBI had targeted Catholics
as radical extremists.
Wonder if he's ever heard
of Guy Fawkes.


New studies show that
95% OF kids in Liverpool
had ADD. All Different
Dad's.


No wonder bats are a
protected species.
The prince of darkness
Ozzy Osbourne keeps
biting their heads off.


I was in the cinema last
night when a stunning
girl came over, leaned
suductively on the empty
seat next to me and said,
"Is this taken?"
"No", I replied, "Top Gun
Maverick."

[Piper]

Beware of Valentine’s
Day scams out there. I
ordered my wife some
jewellery and they sent me
a fucking fishing rod!


Me and my girlfriend were
walking through town, and
as we passed The really
fancy restaurant she said,
"Oh my god! The food
smells amazing in there!"
I thought fuck it, it's
Valentine's Day.
So we walked past it
again.


Valentine's Day is the day
that the
"V" and "D" come
together...


Managed to book a table
for two on Valentine's Day.
I hope my Wife likes
snooker.


Looking for a bit of advice
for a friend.
What's the best number
of number
of Roses to give a wife for
Valentine's Day? -
A single? 6? 12? 24?
Or has it got to be the
whole tin?




Just watched the Brit
Awards
Note to Sam Smith : Never
wear the Gimp outfit on
enchilada night.

[Piper]

I was going to stay up
late last night to watch
the Super Bowl, but I
remembered one very
important thing - It's shite.


An award-winning German
Ballet director has been
suspended after smearing
dog faeces on a critic's
face for giving him a bad
review.
If I had to sit through three
hours of fucking ballet, I'd
want to be shitfaced too.


I just wasted a load of
money on balloons for my
daughter's birthday party!
"Why, didn't she like
them?"
No the USA army showed
up and shot them to
pieces.


The Valentine's card is
written, the present is
wrapped and the flowers
are in a beautiful vase.
Now I just need to make
sure the wife doesn't see
them;in case she thinks
they're for her.

[Piper]

15 February today, so
the TWO genders can now
get back to hating each other


Valentine's Day this year
has come and gone and
that explains all these
"Roses are red, violets are
blue..." jokes on here : I get
that. But I have a question :
Why the fuck are violets
blue and not violet?

[Bikkie]

Chinese balloons remind me of niggers dad's.
They don't come back.



It's been announced under the umbrella of non binary labelling that Manchester United and Manchester City will now be called Themchester United and Themchester City



Tiger Woods can?t say much about driving like a woman





My girlfriend and sister have the same name and it's so annoying.

Every time we have sex, I think of my girlfriend.



What happens to your body when you fast?

You gets there quicker, yo.




Butler: "Sir, you forgot to send your Valentine a card"

Prince Andrew: "No point old boy.
She's in Key Stage 1 & can't read"




Sam Smith's strong singing voice is down to sucking Fisherthems Friends.


Most Bobcats are not named Bob.

Like Tomcats.

Most of those aren't named Bob, either.



The BBC reported that Muslim parents are withdrawing children from Music Lessons because their beliefs forbid them from learning music.
The British Government has therefore issued a new list of songs that are acceptable to Muslims :-
*Halal (Is It Meat You're Looking For), by Lionel Richie
*They Tried To Mecca Me Go To Jihad (But I Said No, No, No), by Amy Winehouse
*The Ayatollah of the Tiger, by Survivor
*The Way You Mecca Me Feel, by Michael Jackson
*Anything by 80's pop group Qu'ran Qu'ran
*The Meccarana
*Fatwah-Bottomed Girls, by Queen
*Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Burqini
*Something in the Way Shia Moves, by James Taylor
*Allah Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That), by Meatloaf.




In the movie Inception (2010), Leonardo DiCaprio has a wife around the same age as him, proving that the whole thing was just a dream.

If the whole world is a stage, then where the fuck are the audience supposed to sit?



Sam Smith identifying as non-binary.

Translation.

I cant get into the Ladies or the Gents wearing this suit.

[Piper]

'Tea plantation manages
in Kenya demanding sex
for work'
I'd rather have a cup of
tea.


What do you get if you
cross an octopus with a
black man?
One hell of a cotton picker.


If there's one thing the lack
of diversity at the BAFTAs
has taught us, its that
black people are as bad
as directing as they are at
acting.


Some toilet rolls are
gently fragranced with
chamomile.
Must be for gays, to relax
their arseholes.

"Would you drive 5
minutes for a blow job?"
said a pop-up ad on
Pornhub
Well, I thought, if the
Proclaimers can walk 500
miles...

[Bikkie]

It's a bloody disgrace, all these so-called 'non-binary' pop stars nowadays. What is our society coming to?

In my day David Bowie, Marc Bolan and Rod Stewart would've chased the lot of 'em right out of town. Back in the good old days we understood the difference between men and women.





Did you know that 75% of Japanese men over the age of 60 have cataracts?

The rest drive Rincolns.




"A little bit of Monica in my life
A little bit of Erica by my side
A little bit of Rita's all I need
A little bit of Tina's what I see
A little bit of Sandra in the sun
A little bit of Mary all night long
A little bit of Jessica, here I am
A little bit of you makes me your man"


Recovered from David Fuller's last clipboard

[Piper]

What do the 50th anniversary
release of Dark Side Of The Moon
and Gay Pride Month
have in common?
It's all about the money.


Dave Gilmour and Nick
Mason were walking down
the road in London one
day in 1972 and saw a
mad nigger with his arse
hanging out of a window.
The rest as they say is
history.

[Bikkie]

.





What makes an apple so crunchy?

The screen.


I was in the Airport and happened to come across some of the "New" Ian Fleming books that have been hopelessly re-written by the Nanny-State PC brigade.

Especially curious as to how they redefined this one particular scene, I found out that James Bond, "Pinned her down in the barn, and then with his toxic male manstick that will be severed at first opportunity, criminally and brutally penetrated against her will Plus-Plus-Abundant Cervix."


I went for a job at a large building constructors and they asked if I had vertigo.
I said, "Oh yes I do, although not one of U2's finest songs though."

'...What is Peter Pan's favourite place to eat out?

Wendy's.'


I asked my wife to wear something kinky to bed last night.

The fucker dressed up as Ray Davies.




When Humphrey Bogart looked at the marble statue of the ancient mathematician, he uttered the famous words.....
"Here's looking at Euclid."


You are what you eat.

So that's why Sam Smith is such a dick


Scientists believe as much as 50% of the population may suffer from bipolar disorder.

Yeah. Women.


Kate Middleton BEATS Prince William as they go head-to-head on exercise bikes.

The only thing I can think of is Kates's bike had a missing seat.



I've just seen a black guy driving around in a Smart car.

I think he was compensating for the size of his penis.

[Piper]

I hate being a verger to a
priest with a lisp.
"Look I've got three
weddings, a baptism and an
exorcism. Can't you do the
mass?".. he said
When I told him that
equals five services in
total, he fired me.


Me and the missus have
a bank account solely for
buying cannabis.
It's our joint account.


I'm not saying the staff in
New World are thick but, when
I asked if they could
open Till 2,the manager
replied.. "We're already
open till 10 most nights."


Note to oneself :
Telling your wife to calm
down works about as
Well as someone trying to
baptise a cat.


A black woman asked
me if I'd join her and her
husband for a threesome.
Poly wants a cracker.


Woman and girls are no
longer permitted to watch
TV in Afghan because of
the telly ban.


Ed sheeran has released
a new hot sauce range.
I'm just glad he hasn't
released another song.


I tried some of Ed
Sheeran's new hot sauce.
It left a foul taste in my
mouth. Much like his
music.


I wonder how much BBC
pay Google to keep big
Black cocks under them in
search results?


What do call a bloke
who's shit at fingering?
Mr Bean


I was following a recipe
which stated "chop
potatoes into reasonable
sized pecies" I thought
"reasonable? if I knew what
reasonable was, I wouldn't
be divorced."

[Bikkie]

A research study showed that 97% of Smurfs have blue balls.



"How on Earth would I play dead if I needed to? " Asked my wife.

"Easy, " I replied, "pretend we're having sex. "

A few of us were in Subway today.

Leroy's wife asked for a footlong.

Gino's wife asked for a 6" with meatballs.

My missus asked if they did a 3" surprise roll with instant disappointment.



Americans have took gender politics with a new chocolate bar to celebrate the madness.

The Her/she bar is now on sale at most Gimp shops.



Retirement is like being on permanent holiday.

Without any money.

Or sun.

Or girls in bikinis.

Or booze.

Yes, it's like a holiday in Rochdale.


Scientists have discovered the real reason women favour big strong partners

It gives them the freedom to be the nasty arseholes they really are towards female shop assistants



What do you call a Chinese billionaire?

Ka Ching

[Bikkie]

I like to inflate my blow up doll halfway. That way it's like shagging a supermodel.


What's got a fat lip and two black eyes?

Half the women in Manchester tomorrow



Man Utd fans have been offered free pop today after Liverpools thrashing
7up




I haven't seen Manchester get fucked that badly since that Ariana Grande concert



Listening to someone the other day and I wasn't sure if they were drunk or having a stroke.

Then I realised that they were just speaking Welsh.



Pretend that you're at an orgy by purchasing several second-hand, oozing, blow-up dolls.

Turn it into a gay orgy by inflating them inside out!







I haven't seen Manchester get fucked that badly since that Ariana Grande concert

Listening to someone the other day and I wasn't sure if they were drunk or having a stroke.

Then I realised that they were just speaking Welsh.







I don't even want to talk about my Muslim blow up doll.



If you ever wonder what its like to be free and single again, watch and admire her longingly, as she packs her
bags for a work trip or a spa weekend away




Despite having white fur, polar bears have black skin.

It's no wonder I've never seen one on a Father's Day card.




There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or Balls.
Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.

[Bikkie]

What did Gary Glitter and the tortoise have in common?

They both got there before the hair.




New golf course opens, very big, very posh. All the rich white folk are there, suddenly in walks a black man.
Walks upto the reception desk and says "Me want to join de golf course", the receptionist looks horrified "Im sorry we are a new respectable club, if you go out of the main gate, turn right and 5 minutes down the road is the old golf course, they take anyone".

"No you not understand me, I want to join dis 'ere golf course" said the black guy. "And you're not understanding me!" said the receptionist angrily; 'Out the main gate, turn right and 5 minutes down the road is the old golf course, they take anyone!".

"You no understand, I is Usain Bolt, worlds fastest man, I'm wanting to join dis 'ere club!" said the black man.
The receptionist looks shocked and says "Im sorry Mr Bolt I never recognised you, how silly of me; IT'S 2 MINUTES DOWN THE FUCKING ROAD!".




Did you see Stevie wonders new car?

No?

Neither has he



In a interview Stevie Wonder was asked " how do you cope being a musical genius and blind" his reply was " well the blind part isn't the problem, one thing keeps me. Going knowing at least I ain't black"




Moving to London in view of the breaking news.

Londoners to get 13 inches over the next few days.



Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because the last one to have a dream got shot.




When Bill Gates dies it'll be curtains for him!

[Piper]

Today is International
Women’s Day so I told
my wife to have a lie-in this
morning.
Waiting a extra half hour
for my breakfast is a
small sacrifice to make.


It's International Woman's
Day.
I think it's fantastic.
That we let them have it.


Today is International
Women's Day 2023..
Or, as us men call it, that
time of year again.


As it's International
Women's Day I've let the
wife off with cooking my
dinner and I'll wait until
I've had a shower tonight
before I make her suck my
cheesy cock.


Somehow, International
Women's Day seems an
appropriate date for the
England Cricket Team to
start a test series.


My wife came downstairs
shouting excitedly - "It's
International Women's
Day!!"
I said - "Speak when you're
fucking spoken to."


Happy Women's Day Siri
and Alexa, the only women
who listen to men.


Happy International Women's Day.
They're all just as miserable
as ever though.


To all women on
International Women's
Day.
You're welcome and we'll
have a takeaway tonight.


International Women's Day
cause it's not like women
pat each other on the
back for the rest of the
364 days about how tough
their life is.


It appears International
Women's Day was a HUGE
success.
Women from all over the
US demonstrated their
femininity by not making
up their minds about
whether they wanted to
celebrate it or not.


Happy International
Women's Day!
I'm sure all the ladies
around the world who
are forced into arranged
marriages, physical
mutilation, slavery,
serfdom and dressing up like
a pint of Guinness are all
fucking delighted with the
progress you've made on
their behalf.


International Women's
Day certainly helped make
me aware of how far we
have to go with the issues
of gender inequality and
everyday sexism. I'm sure
I speak on behalf of many
blokes when I say that
all the birds who helped
organise it deserve a pat
on the bottom for their
efforts.


This lady that makes
the same as me lectured
me today that as it's
"International Women's
Day," I should remember
how on averge women
only make 83 cents
against 100 of what a
man makes.
I explained though how
if the ridiculous incomes
of Jeff Bezos and Bill
Gates are removed from
the men's side of the
equation, then it magically
becomes even.


I went to Starbucks today.
As I remembered it is
International Women's
Day, I paid the girl only
83% of the price of a cup
to demonstrate the gender
pay gap.


It's important to have a
day for women a week
or so before the big
st.patricks day clean up.


Happy International
Husbands of Dishwashers
Day.


On International Women's
Day, I'm seeing loads
of tweets featuring the
hashtag # Trans women Are
women Too.


I really don't know what
they are trying to achieve?
Do they seriously want a
pay cut?


My girlfriend said that
'International Women's
Day ` is a time when we
should celebrate that
women are independent
now and that men
can't control how they
look anymore as they
know what's best for
themselves.
So after she's finished
painting on her Nike tick
eyebrows, she's popping
into town to get some
more plastic pumped into
her trout pout and then it's
onto the tattoo parlour to
compete her sleeve.


'Join Loose Women on ITV
to celebrate International
Women's Day ;
Yes, birds sitting on the
arses drinking coffee and
chatting inanely while men
are at work will make a
nice change...


As it's International
Women's Day, this woman
at work was blowing on
The Bullhorn.
I also call my cock
"The Bullhorn."


Money is no
object............ but every
woman is.
Happy Woman's History
Month!


Does anyone know when
International Women's
Day finishes?
I'm starving.


Does International
Women's Day include the
one with penises?



My missus came home
waving her new vibrator at
me,
"As it's International
Women’s Day, I've
replaced you with this,"
she said
"Cool," I replied, "hope
it can mow the fucking
lawn."


It's International Woman's
Day and I've treated the
wife to a top-notch, no
expense spared steak
meal of her choice.
I just hope she fucking
cooks it right.


Happy World takeaway
day, guys!
They think it's Women's
day, so don't ruin it for
them.


To celebrate International
Women’s Day I told my
wife to celebrate by
making me sandwich.


Women get a day and
sharks get a week, I'm
surprised there's not
more blood in the water
over this.


Happy International
people who ovulate day.

[Piper]

When is was "International
Women’s Day" a few days
ago, my wife zoomed a
livestream meeting with
her Feminist group, where
the topic was "fighting for
equal rights."
The fat warthog running
it just laughed and said,
"we already got all those,
now we have to get and
keep even more Special
Privileges."


That Tik Tok video of Sam
Smith resembling Dennis
Taylor is beginning to
make sense now.
They both enjoy gobbling
up a long pink after
screwing a difficult brown.

[Piper]

I was out in London one
night and got chatting to
some hipster bird. It went
really well. We had the
same tastes in films and
music-particuarly 90's
stuff-and before I knew it
I was in a cab back to hers
kissing her passionately.

We went up to her
bedroom where she
dropped her knickers,
Tossed me a condom, and
said -

"I hope you like making
love to Titanic and Savage
Garden"

"I'll do my best" - I said,
frozen in a state of shock.

"But fuck me I'd struggle
using a Flymo on that."


I bought an old pub for
Next to nothing and I'm
converting it into a dog
refuge centre.
Well I thought
Inn for a penny
Inn for a pound


Chef: How would Sir like
his steak cooked? Rare?

Diner: What is rare?

Chef: A black woman
reading a book.


Chef ' How would Sir like
his steak cooked? Rare?

Diner: What is rare?

Chef : A black man reading
a Father's Day card.


What do you get if you
cross an octopus with a
black man?
One hell of an cotton picker.


" Would you drive 5
minutes for a blowjob?"
said a pop-up ad on
Pornhub.
Well I thought, if the
Proclaimers can walk 500
miles...


One thing you won't see at
a masturbation addiction
meeting are people
shaking each other's
hands.


Whoever said 'all roads
lead to Rome' is a liar.
3 times now I've been
around the M25 and I've
not even seen a poxy
signpost!


My wife and I had a minor
falling out.
So I rushed her to the
hospital.


My mums niece married
my Dads brother.
She's my cousin and my
aunt.
I'm confused.
Can I legally fuck her, or
not?


I used to work for a security
Company and one of my
jobs was to drive Mick
Jagger and Keith Richards
around for a month.
Anyway, one day they
both decided they were
going for some drugs in
Paris and I couldn't find
them again, got sacked
as soon as I got back.
Anyway it turned out to be
a blessing in disguise as I
was offered a job writing
for a slimming publication
because every woman
wanted to know...
... how to lose two stones
in a month.


I sent a text to a mate
of mine. "I'm going to
be: fucking your sister
tonight."
Ne replied, "Lol.
Punctuation fail."
I replied, "Not with what
I've got planned."


I'm in the hospital after
being diagnosed with bad
camouflage disease.
They've just moved me to
ICU.


I'm slowly getting over
my phobia of ejaculating
inside women I'm cumin
out of michelle.


'Hump day " where adults
who could definitely
totally be having
sex... aren't. But want to
remind you they're super
like super cool hip people
who talk casually about
the sex and aren't in any
way desperate or lonely.

[Piper]

Happy St. Patrick Stewart
Day.
Patron Saint of Making it
so.


St. Patrick’s Day is the day
when domestic violence is
legal...


What has eight arms and an
IQ of 80?
Four girlfriends drinking
on St. Patrick’s Day.



I identify as Irish today
because I once watched
an episode of Father Ted.


As an Englishman, I'll be
celebrating St. Patrick’s
Day with my Irish mates
on their public holiday.
Remind me, when's St
George's Day again?


Since the Good Friday
Agreement, St Patrick's
Day is the only day of the
year the Micks get to have
a blast.


I have the luck of the Irish.
Went to the shop today
and they had no fucking
potatoes.


For the first time ever, a
gay group will be allowed
to march in New York
City's St. Patrick’s Day
parade.
Actually, the Irish and
gay people have a lot in
common-they both love
six-packs.


Why have Comic Relief on
St. Patrick’s Day?
I thought they were trying
to avoid "White Saviours"
ruining the vibe.


On this very day, a few
years ago, my dependence
on anything Irish started.
Since then I've woken
every day and the first
thing I need is to drink
Guinness and listen to the
dubliners or pogues, while
dressed as a leprechaun
and doing a jig.
So here it is my
confession...
I've been a Craic addict for
years now.


What do you call a white
gay man sitting on top of
a gay black man during
sex?
A pint of Guinness.



What's Irish and stays out all night?
Patio Furniture.

[Piper]

The app is called TikTok,
because every video you
watch you are reminded of
the reasons humanity is
running out of time.


Tik Tok is a place where
underage girls dance
provocatively for free
Apparently.


The cool thing about
sneezing is when you do,
you automatically ask for
a tissue.


What do you call a
transgender Native
American?
A boy named Sioux.


85% of women admit to
having used vibrators.
The other 15 % say they
bought them new.

[Piper]

I have to admire my
feminazi sister's honesty
with her use of pronouns
on social media.
She identifies as Hit /Ler


Women: "WE ARE
DEFINED BY MORE THAN
MAKING BABIES!!"

Men: "Cool. I can be a
woman too then. Hey
look! We're better at being
women than women are!"

Women : "...... We are
defined by making babies."


The level of pollution
in the world today is
becoming intolerable.
Only the other day I
opened a can of sardines
to find it was full of oil and
all the fish were dead.


What does a nymphomaniac chicken
sound like?
Fuck-fuck - fuck - fuck....


Mates deaf dad just got a
job as a gynaecologist.
Apparently he just has to
read lips.

[Piper]

I used to enjoy keeping
score at Afgan ladies
sporting events - but now
there's a tally-ban.


I was telling a joke about
inbred people in the pub,
and a woman at the next
table overheard and took
offence.
"That's terrible!" she said,
"what would you say if
you were born in those
circumstances and heard
someone joking about it?"
I replied, "I'd probably say
something like, Dang,
pa! I gone bin done run
mahsef ova wit da track-tor
agin!"


Do gay vegans still eat
sausage?


I found out today, that
some women like sex,
beer, can drive well and
Park a car.
It was also clear these
women are men.


I asked my doctor if I'm
healthy and she answered
" I don't know. Mercury is
in Uranus right now"
I told her I don't believe in
astrology.
"Neither do I. My
thermometer just broke."


At a couples counselling
meeting the speaker
mentioned that couples
are so disconnected that
85% of husbands don't
even know their wives
favourite flower.
Bruce turned to his wife and
whispered, "It's self rising
isn't it?"


My daughter brought
home a transgender
vegan nigger.
He called me a racist,
bigoted, earth destroying
cunt.
I called him an
ambulance.

[Piper]

I was testing out my new
spotlight in the garden
last night with my mate
Dave the Dwarf whilst
listening to Queen.
... I saw a little silhouetto
of a man.


My mate Dave only has
one leg but it didn't stop
him from getting a job at
the brewery. They put him
in charge of the hops.





My Korean friend was
very happy when I offered
to take her out to have a
spot of dinner.
Turns out she thought I
said have Spot for dinner.


Eric Clapton once said
something like, "Being
a Racist is better and is
a more fulfilling step-up
from drugs."
I still credit him as the
main reason I was able to
quit smack.


Did you know cows kill
more people than sharks?
I am actually quite
surprised that cows kill
any sharks at all.... :)


My mate says he saw a
deer on his way to work
this morning. I said, "How
do you know it was going
to work? "


My mate quit his job at
BMW.
He of course gave no
indication he was leaving.


What's the difference
between my wife and a
Yoghurt pot?
A Yoghurt pot doesn't
moan when I lick it out.

[Piper]

I remember when times
( pun intended ) were
simpler. I had two clocks
over fireplace, one set at
BST and other GMT. One
faced wall then when hour
needed changing I just
put other clock to face
wall and spun the other
around.
Now I'm married I hear
"Don't forget to put clocks
back" every day for a
week. "You can have an
extra hour in bed." Nag,
nag. I'm not supposed to
change clocks until 2am
as if world might collapse
into chaos if I did them
early. As for hour extra in
bed SHE has extra hour in
bed. Takes me a fucking
hour to go through every
room changing clocks!


I normally hate putting
the clocks back an hour
but it doesn't seem that
bad this year. After all, the
government have already
put us back to the 70s.
Where's my flares.


Turn the clocks back this
weekend.
But where to?
1970,1980?


Surprise your significant
other at 2am Sunday
morning.
Put your cock back.

[Piper]

April Fools today.
No one gives a fuck
though, only joke’s ’s the
power bill.



An unemployed Jester is
nobody's fool..


I'm having a really hard
time with April Fools Day
this year.
Because I always believe
women????


For every "I'm pregnant"
April Fools joke.
I'm replying" It looks like
you put on weight. "


April Fools pranks would
work better on a day
nobody knew it was April
Fools Day.


Police have been driving
behind me with their
sirens on and lights
flashing... I know it's April
Fools Day and people like
a practical joke but it's
been nearly half an hour I
think these guys might be
taking it a bit far.

[Piper]

Bad news for Dyslexics
this morning.
Your Cocks gone Black

[Piper]

( epitaph )

I wouldn't be here if it
wasn't for my wife.


Had to go to my son's
new school for parents
day, and he had a young
dippy teacher there who
said, "our next lesson
is now going to be on
browning."
"For fucks sake," I
said reflexively. "Is
there fucking anything
anymore that won't work
this creating half-breed
mongrels miscegenation
agenda shite into fucking
everything?"
Wound up getting a years
ban from the premises as
she was talking about the
poet Robert Browning.


I'm so poor under this
fucking government, I've
no idea where my next
tattoo is coming from.


I watched a documentary
on cannabis last night...
Come to think about it,
That's how I watch all
documentaries.


Did you know that the
animals went in two by
two in alphabetical order?
So Noah got the name
of his boat from the
Aardvark.


With their price rises,
this winter the power
companies will be fucking
more old ladies than
Wayne Rooney.


My gay friend Peter, said
he had a sore hamstring.
I asked, "Have you tried
getting some Deep Heat?"
"No," he replied. "Cock is
the last thing on my mind."

[Piper]

To the person who stole
my glasses last night...
I will find you, I have
contacts you know!


'The early bird gets the
worm.' - Gary Glitter.


Just before we went into
interrogate the suspect,
I asked my colleague on
the force Dave, "Are you
wearing a wire?"
"Yes" he moaned, "I
think ill have a chance
to actually get promoted
if I pretend to be fucking
trans and wear a flowery
bra underneath."


Ladies, don't waste your
time asking a man what
he wants in women, I'll
save you the effort,
generally it's his penis.


Always wanted to join a
circus.
So I've decided to become
a member of The National
party.


Opened my fridge and
thought I heard the spring
onions doing Bee Gees
numbers, but it was just
the chives talkin.


Statistics are like soft
porn, what they reveal is
suggestive, but what they
hide is the best part.


The Bachelor is a dating
show about a man who
dates multiple women,
mainly watched by women
who hate men that date
multiple women.
Just saying.


Don't want my neighbours
thinking I'm rich...
'So I turned a few lights
off.'


A bad electrician charges
the earth.

[Piper]

All my life I've been under
the impression that air
was free. That was until
last night, when I bought a
packet of Bluebird chips!!


Me: Hey, I mess with your
vibe. Wanna get a drink
sometime?

Her: Sorry, I got a
boyfriend.

Me: My dog did a number 2.

Her: What?

Me: I thought we were
talking about shit that's
irrelevant.


Where do you have your
giga bytes of data?
On the satellite dish.


Sex has gone downhill
with the Mrs so I bought
her a dildo.
"It looks like a carrot!"
she said
Which is ironic as her
fanny looks like a donkey
yawning.


How come The Simpsons
are yellow, yet Akira is the
only Chinese person in it?


I recently went on holiday,
and as we began our
decent I said to the flight
attendant. Isn't it a bit
early to get the flaps out??
She said, Well I usually
get them out when we
take off.


My wife was very
disappointed with the CD
of classical piano pieces I
bought her for her birthday.
"But I'm positive I
overheard you telling your
sister that you wanted
some Chopin" I said
"You idiot!", she huffed "I
said I wanted a new chip
pan!


I hate having Parkinson's
I haven't dipped a Ginger nut
biscuit for ages.

[Piper]

Why did the blonde only
change her baby's nappy
once a week?
Because the packaging
said 'up to 10 kilos'


Two newly weds turn up
at a hotel and ask for the
honeymoon suite, the
receptionist asks do you
have reservations? The
bride says yes, I'm a bit
nervous about taking it up
the arse.


"How would you feel
about a threesome?" my
wife asked over breakfast
this morning.
"Wow, that would be
amazing!" I said.
"Which of my friends
would you like me to ask?"
She went on licking her
lips seductively.
"How about Rachel and
Gemma?" I replied.


One day, the teacher
asked her class, "What
vegetable makes you cry?"
Little Johnny replies "a
turnip Miss."
"No Johnny" says the
teacher, "onions make you
cry, not turnips"
"No Miss," says Johnny,
"obviously you have
never been hit in the balls
with a turnip."


The teacher wrote on the
blackboard, "I ain't had no
fun in months"
Then asked the class,
"How should I correct this
sentence?"
Little Johnny raised his
hand and replied, "Get
yourself a new boyfriend
Miss."


When Ellie Simmons has
her periods
Does it make her a red
dwarf?.

If you're dating a hipster,
chances are it's because
they don't find you cool.


If there's no such thing
as a free lunch, why do
people turn off their
central heating in the
summer?


Just seen Dionne Warwick
in the street I asked for her
autograph and she just
walk on by.


Old McDonald had a highly
intelligent computer
programme.
AI-AI-O


Not a joke but is it just
me...

The world is going insane.

LGBT whatever taking over
with no idea who identifies
as who and people getting
offended for everything
just for attention.Posting
likes for attention.
All adverts/TV shows
need black Asian white
transgender people.

The LGBT community
want to be included and
don't want to be different
to anyone else or want
attention but decide to
throw pride parades to
be different and seek
attention.

End of day. I don't care
who or what you are as
long as you don't ram it
down my throat. Rant
over. Love you all.

[Piper]

I'm doing my bit for
Black Lives Matter:
Happy birthday
Ritchie Blackmore.


How am I supposed to
believe humans are the
dominant species when
a spider is over here
building a house with their
arsehole?


I once snorted some iffy
looking coke with William
Shatner.
If anything, it was
probably warped speed.


If only black people
avoided crime with the
same passion with which
they avoid verbs...


Why do we teach
our children to never
get into a car with a
stranger.... unless, of
course, it's a Taxi, that's
being driven by a guy
called Abdul who looks
like he came here on a
raft that was made out of
human limbs?


Yank-FBI Agent

Brit-MI5 Agent

Russian-KGB Agent

Paki-News Agent


When someone says,
"It's better than sex" they
haven't been having the
right kind of sex.


I've just been sacked as a
set designer.
I left without making a
scene.


Might as well enjoy life
while you can.
One day we'll all go online
and see a check-box that
says, 'To continue, click to
prove you're a robot'.

[Piper]

Weather forecasters are
uncannily accurate these
days. We were told to
expect a had frost and
the very next day, David
Jason kicked me in the
Bollocks.


What do weather
forecasters have in
common with Nazis?
They often lie about
showers.


BBC's Glamping
weathergay Owain
Wyn Evans was asked
what was his favourite
song... he said, "it would
have to be that song
by the weather girls
obviously...
I'm draining men
ooooooo"


That lovely weather man
Owain Wyn Davis can
play the Drums.
He has an excellent
rimming technique.
ooooooo..

Last night I had a couple
of Marheritas followed
by a few tequila sunrises.
However they weren't the
only things with salty rims
I was tasting
Oooooooooh.


I just phoned my mate to
say I've been sweating
all week since I got a
massive tax bill from The
Revenue. He said, "is it
because you've no way
of paying it?" I said, "No I've
fucked off to Spain and it's
38 degrees."


The difference between
Ironman and Ironwoman
is one is a superhero and
the other is a command.

[Bikkie]

Sad news in women's football today as it was announced the England captain Leah Williamson is injured and will miss the world cup in Australia. The only time she will be going down under now is on her girlfriends




Knock knock." ..."Who's there?" " ..."Doorbell repair guy"


I'm not doing that naked gardening shit this year.

The ladies around my way weren't happy about me trimming their bushes.




Having sex can make your day.

Having anal sex can make your hole weak.




Knock

Who's there?

Rick Allen from Def Leppard



Knock..
Who?s there?
The drummer from Def leopard!



I went out on the piss last payday, and ended up talking to a couple of prostitutes in the pub.

They drank me under the table.



The new Dr Who won't be the first black time traveller.

That honour belongs to one of Bill Cosby's victims.



Now that the little mermaid is black, it explains that treasure trove full of stolen stuff



"Top five answers; we asked 100 people to name something inappropriate to wear at work."
Me: "Blackface?"



It was so noisy last night, you could hear a pin drop.

We went bowling.



1kg chicken fillet - $5,99
Bug spray - $2,48
The look on the cashier's face when I tell her "considering all the chemicals that I have put in my body over the past 20yrs, I don't have any problems with you putting them in the same bag... " - priceless



Blood sweat and tears, the best lubrication known to man



Just wondering. If a couple of gay black guys adopt a child, how do they decide which one is supposed to abandon the family?




Judging by the way the new Dr Who dresses, his companion better be earning.



The ladies in town call me SpaceX.

I tend to explode 30 seconds after launch.





I've been told that posting racist jokes makes me a racist but, in real life, I would never discriminate between coloured people and normal people.



Just seen the new actor playing Doctor WHO!

Golly!



"You always have to have the last word, don't you."
"No."



The cat hunting competition for kids has been cancelled in new Zealand. The Chinese kids there are devastated, they've been training all their lives for this



What do stoners & prime numbers have in common?

The higher they are, the more spaced out they get!







Women are like floor tiles; Lay them right, and you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.




My son just told me that he now identifies as female, so I did what any father would do.

"What? tell him that you love him no matter what and will support him in his decision?"

No, took him off my car insurance



Wan can be a first name & kerr a surname.

I just wonder?




Why a young, free, fun-loving man would want to throw all that freedom away to call himself a husband for the sake of one woman is a mystery.

But TWO wives!?

That's a bigamistery.




My girlfriend has been looking at this thing in Japan they call "rui katsu" - "crying therapy", it would seem. Anyway, she put her arms around me and asked me to put my arms around her, then she whispered in my ear, "Baby, I feel like we're drifting apart. You're amazing, I promise you - I just want you to cry with me for a bit while we're in each others' arms. This may sound like a very strange request but, will you try to help me cry?"

So I admitted that I'd been fucking her sister.



A guy came up to me at a party and said, "I used to fuck your wife before you were married."

I replied, "Yeah? Me too."




Britain's Got Talent has Ichikawa Koikuchi blowing out candles with his farts.

Just when we thought the show would be cancelled.



Just got scammed out of 25 quid...
I bought a Tiger Woods DVD called "My Favourite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf.



I walked out of my local shop today and outside was a tramp. Same guy as always, but I'd never talked to him before. As I passed, he said, "Excuse me, I don't suppose you have a spare cigarette I can have?". I looked around, and I was the only person in the vicinity, so I knew he was talking to me. "Sorry mate, I don't smoke." I replied, which is true. He looked disappointed, but then asked hopefully "Any change?", I thought for a second before answering "Nope, still don't smoke."



So shouting ' Go on son, push like your pushing a black man off your mother' isn't acceptable during the scrum at U12's rugby matches any more. WTF ?????



Don't know what I ate last night but it exited my bowels quicker than a black man out of a job centre.



King Charles stands up for Ascot protesters saying he can relate to the cruelty and upsetting images.
After all he himself has to wake up to something that resembles a dead horse's head on the pillow next to him every morning.



Why do most women hate giving oral?

It means they have to shut the fuck up for a few minutes.



Blacks are always complaining Band-Aid plasters are pale for white people.
However, white people don't complain knife handles are black for black people.



Years ago my dad told me if I ever get caught up in a fight in a snooker hall, put a ball in your sock.
Worst advice ever, they kicked the shit out me while I limped around trying to get out.




Lenny Henry reveals his own family could have faced deportation in the Windrush scandal.

Who's laughing now?



The word 'shark' was coined in 1549 when English sailor, William Michael Griffen saw a Great White swimming towards him and, in sheer panic, tried to scream three different swear words at the same time.




"So, I guess you've never been with a prostitute before then." She said.
I replied "Well, No, but how can you tell?"
She said "Look, don't worry about it, just take the pound coins out my fanny and we'll start again."




"Before we go any further," she said, "I think it's only fair to tell you that I don't go all the way on the first date."

"I'm guessing that you're new to prostitution aren't you."

[Piper]

I caught a black man that
had broken in that was
in my wife's separate
bedroom. I asked the
jagaboo what he was
doing.
He said, "I'm looking for
money."
"Great, I'll help you look.


On the day of her wedding
a black girls mum calls
her aside.
" My daughter, tonight
when you go to bed your
husband will want to do
something you've never
done before. "
" What's that? " she said.
" He's going to want to put
his most precious item
where you piss."
The daughter looks at her
confused... "Why would he
want to put his basketball
in the sink?"

[Bikkie]

True story
As I walked past a few protesters in Edinburgh city centre I couldn't resist shouting 'FREE PLASTICINE!' in my best Homer Simpson voice to the people holding a FREE Palestine sign.
I was hysterical at my own joke and o e of them called me a fucking bastard which made me laugh even more. The police told me to jog on and my tinder date went for a pish and out the back door of a pub for her own safety.
She smelled of onion soup a wee bit and slightly boss eyed but I suppose I could have just said she wasn't for me and went home.

I'm still laughing my head off at the wee guys face with the sign and I've no idea why this is making me sick laughing.




Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a
duck



My sister told me she's shagging an ice cream man.

I said "Won't that make his cock melt?"



What's the difference between arsenal and the band 'queen' ?

Arsenal will never be the champions



BBC News: Freddie Mercury.
Queen singer's personal belongings to be auctioned off.
Quite ironic, a room full of Queen fans waiting for the Hammer To Fall.




Steven Spielberg has said that 'no film should be revised' based on modern sensitivities.

Great! I'm really looking forward to seeing the uncut edition of Birth of a Nation.



Avoid vegans at swingers parties by not picking the electric car key fobs out of the bowl.




What do Nicola Sturgeon and the Eiffel Tower have in common?
They're both Paris sites.



A Barbie with Down's syndrome is the latest doll to be released by Mattel, joining dolls with a hearing aid, a prosthetic limb and a wheelchair after criticism that they did not represent real women.

So when are we getting the 'big thick hairy veiny meaty cock with realistic spunking action' Barbie?




New down syndrome Barbie doll released?. Surely an updated Mrs Potato Head would have been more appropriate?




I always smile when I shake a Muslim's hand.

It's the one with which I wipe my arse.



Looking forward to seeing the new film starring Macaulay Culkin as a gay man struggling financially, when Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern rescue him by borrowing him some money

Homo Loan will be released to cinemas this summer



BBC news ? Police who stopped driver found ?10,000 of cocaine, a lamb and a bag of chips?

Pablo Escobarrrrrrrrrrrhhh


Alexa technicians excited by latest advance in capability.

When asked for the number of pi, Alexa correctly gave the 1973 phone number of the BBC



News:

Live lamb found in car along with large haul of illegal drugs on motorway near Glasgow.

Police say they are keen to speak to Anthony Hopkins regarding the find, but are not hopeful that the lamb will cooperate with their enquiries.




Why are Germans terrible marathon runners?

Because they're shit at finishing off races.



Watching the London marathon this morning reminded me of my old man.

He said, "Run once and you will run forever."

Fit man, shit criminal.


Some fucking coon called Kelvin won the London marathon and even set a new record.
Next week the cunt will be on the telly whining that he has to walk around the corner to get a bucket of water for his village.



What do you call a Muslim transvestite?

Mustafa Cock


Knock Knock
Who's There ?
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
The Police
How are Asians likes a box of chocolate?

Either way they will kill your dog



My new girlfriend wouldn't let me fuck her in the ass.

"I don't understand," I said, "you told me you were like a machine built for anal!"

"No, I said I was an asthmatic."


'Knock knock'

Who's heir?

'Not you, you whinging ginger cunt'


Knock Knock
Knock Knock
Knock Knock
Knock Knock
Knock Knock
Knock Knock

Neighbour: "She wont hear you, she's deaf."




Knock Knock

Oh nevermind Ducky

I'll slip in through the backdoors

Oooooooh




I had to get the plumber in as i had a leak in my bathroom toilet.
He said "your soil pipe is fucked mate".
I replied "I do know that Ducky, but I got you here to fix the loo".

Oooooooh.


I just can't get used to these modern game console with the hand held controllers.
I prefer the old ones when you could wrap your hand around a big throbbing joystick.

Oooooooh



I saw an old lady earlier. Her face was grotesquely contorted by rage that it almost didn't appear human.
Out of her mouth spewed the most foul language that at first I she must have been possessed by demonic forces.

Turns out, she was just trying to use the self service checkouts at New World.



Knock knock…

Who’s there…?

Dave the Dwarf who can’t reach the door bell.



There have been four Formula 1 drivers with Scottish towns in their name:

Lewis Hamilton
Johnny Dumfries
Stirling Moss
Ayr Town Centre


Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knockers on that Nigella Lawson.

Come on in, Stuttering Steve.