What's your sickest joke?

[Juniper]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . ..

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Juniper]

A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into his parents room and sees them having sex. The little boy, traumatized, runs out of the room crying. "You should go check on him, thats really going to be something you need to explain," said the mother. The father laughed it off with a traditional "he will get over it," and continued to chuckle about the whole situation.
After some additional prodding from the mother the father agrees to go talk to the little boy. As he is walking down the hallway to his sons room he hears an empty thumping sound coming from his sons room. Thump - Thump - squish - Thump- Thump The father, very confused, slams the door open and sees his son balls deep, pounding the shit out of his grandmothers asshole. Just really going to town on it.
The father screams "What the hell are you doing?" The boy replies, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?"

[husaberg]

Grandma jokes never get old..............;)

[Akzle]

Grandma jokes never get old..............;)

nigger can you read? Or do you need to be spoonfed your information with lots of big pictures?

[husaberg]

Yes my cat is fine thanks for asking.....................

http://25.media.tumblr.com/2842c363a09583713df0bb7328fcc2d1/tumblr_muw961pNXx1rvf3woo1_400.gif
http://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqpksqodAB1qzwilpo1_400.gif

[Akzle]

Yes my cat is fine thanks for asking.....................



mum hasnt disabled 'safe search', huh?

You should see what [i]I get when i type in 'pussy'

[husaberg]

Fan-bake at 170 for 1 hour but remember to preheat the oven...............

[Akzle]

Fan-bake at 170 for 1 hour but remember to preheat the oven...............

y' dad never did well as a plumber-gasfitter, did he, husabergowitz?

[husaberg]

Its Monday, why do you ask...................

[Akzle]

Grandma jokes never get old..............;)

nigger can you read? Or do you need to be spoonfed your information with lots of big pictures?

[Akzle]

nigger can you read? Or do you need to be spoonfed your information with lots of big pictures?

mods. Right now i am in a time warp. What is wrong with your internets?

[husaberg]

No i am not sure where the 777 is either?
It's not as if it can just disappear is it?

[Akzle]

Its Monday, why do you ask...................

i didnt. Which brings me squarely to your first and only point: that you are a fucking moron.

[Akzle]

Grandma jokes never get old..............;)

nigger can you read? Or do you need to be spoonfed your information with lots of big pictures?

[husaberg]

Baking powder?

[haydes55]

Why is the submarine yellow?

[Laava]

Why is the submarine yellow?

Because anal hurts.

[husaberg]

I would pick the Brumbies for the win.........

[Drew]

nigger can you read? Or do you need to be spoonfed your information with lots of big pictures?Yarp, Rob's found the mushroom patch again.:blink:

[Akzle]

Yarp, Rob's found the mushroom patch again.:blink:

found a few but were not quite in season yet. Thats some jew shit between phone and internet.

[husaberg]

Pretty sure its on sale now........
http://0.tqn.com/d/politicalhumor/1/7/i/F/6/Iraq-Hole.jpg

[husaberg]

Yes, if as you say you like it in your pooper you are.................
Butt that's ok
http://www.binaryoptionswire.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/IG_Logo_2_-480x350.jpg
http://www.ohio.edu/nor/a/images/NOR_4HEADER.jpg
http://www.antweb.org/antblog/Soleopsis_invicta_AlexWild.jpg
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/25/One-half.svg/480px-One-half.svg.png
http://images.sodahead.com/polls/001118285/Wit_1_answer_3_xlarge.png

[Juniper]

When A gay guy gets his shit packed every day, it's hard to tell if he is coming or going.

[Juniper]

The butt plug I ordered arrived in a discreet plain brown package . . . . . . . shaped like a giant butt plug...

Thanks...

[Juniper]

Two bums are sitting talking. The first one starts bragging, "Today was the best day ever! This morning I found a brand new pack of smokes just sitting on the ground. So you know what I did? I sat and smoked every fucking one of them... had the best day ever." The second bum just laughs, "That's nothing, today I was walking along the rail road tracks and I found this girl laying on the tracks. You know what I did? I fucked her all day long." The other bum interrupts, "Bull! You didn't do it all day long did you?", the other continues, "Well, no but it was for at least a few good hours, best day of my life." The first bums asks, "So did she give you a good blowjob?" The other replies no. "How could you possibly be getting busy with this girl for hours, and she doesn't even give you a blow job?" To which the other replies, "How could she? She didn't have a head!"

[Juniper]

I knew my weight problem was starting to get out of hand when the only time I ejaculated whilst watching a porno was when the guy delivered the pizza.

[Juniper]

A man is telling a story... "I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player, I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, "three wood." I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard "three wood." I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three wood. I thought it was stupid but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me. At the next whole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog.

That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said, "kiss me." Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said it again. So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room.

[Juniper]

Why are most masochists better than Jesus?

They have all survived being on a cross.

[Juniper]

Breaking news...

Rabbi arrested on Church St in Toronto for selling foreskins as chewing gum...

[husaberg]

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, 'Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem.' Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. 'Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,' Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. The farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such colourful, and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, 'Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.' Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, 'Shhh, they're getting closer!'





Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane and as such have gone for a holiday back to the place where they first met. While sitting at a cafe the little old man says, 'Remember the first time I met you over fifty years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind.' 'Why, yes I remember it well dear,' replies the little old lady with a grin. 'Well, for old time's sake, lets go there again and I'll give you one from behind.' The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows the pensioners. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips and the little old lady then reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is forty minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for a hour. Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, 'I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in fifty years time!' The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage the man approaches the pensioner. He says, 'Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret, could you shag like that fifty years ago?' The pensioner replies, 'Son, fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn't electrified.'

[husaberg]

pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp

[Juniper]

What starts with N and ends with R that you never want to call a black person?
Neighbour.

What does NAACP stand for?
National Association of Apes Called People.

What's the worst thing about being a black jew?
You have to be at the back of the oven.

Why do all black people have nightmares?
Because we shot the only one that had a dream.

[husaberg]

ppppppppppppppppppppppp

[husaberg]

What's red and orange and looks good on hippies?

Fire.


There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...

They buried her.


What do you call a cow masturbating
beef strokin' off

Whats black and blue and scared of me
the 8 year old in my closet

rape isnt funny unless your raping a clown

definition of disgusting?
shoving 7 oysters up your grandma and sucking out 8


Social Security:


A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

I met a girl last week who said she wanted to be treated like a princess, so I put her in the back of a mercedes and drove it into a tunnel wall.

A little boy is having a bath with his Dad and asks, "Daddy, what's the difference on our willie's?"
His Dad says, "Well for a start son, mine's is erect"


There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

So a teenage couple sneaks back at the guys crib at 1 am in the morning

They see that his little brother is asleep but they wanna have sex.

So the girl tells the guy she'll say tomato when she wants him to go faster and she'll say lettuce when she wants him to go slower and she'll say ham when she wants him to change positions

So the girl goes : "Lettuce Ham tomato, Tomato Ham Lettuce, Tomato Lettuce Tomato."

The little brother wakes up and says "Hey can you guys stop making sandwiches your getting mayonaise all over me."


a kid aged 9 walks in the corridor and hears some noise from his sisters, aged 16, bedroom. he comes close to the door and watches from the key hole and sees his sister naked caressing herself and saying, of I want a boy, oh I need a boy, so the kid does not understand and continues his road. the next day, same thing, the day after also, the fourth day when he looks through the key hole, he sees his sister naked with a boy kissing each other and etc, so he turns back quickly to his room, takes off his clothes and begins caressing himself saying, oh I want a bycicle, I need a byciycle

Hard Times:

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

"A hundred dollars."

"Damn. All I've got is thirty."

"Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

"A handjob," Harry replies.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

What's the only drink that can get a girl pregnant? A Squirt & Cider

[husaberg]

Hitler and Stalin are sitting at the bar. A patron walks up to the bar and asks the barman if thats Hitler and Stalin sitting over there. He says yes. The man goes over to Hitler and Stalin and asks what they are doing. "We're planning world war 3" says Stalin. "We're going to kill 14 million jews and 1 bike repair man" says Hitler "Why the bike repair man?" The patron asks. Hitler says to Stalin "See? I told you no one would ask about the jews."

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking goofy!"

So a masochist, a pyromaniac, a necrophile, a sadist, a pedophile, and a zoophile are all standing in a jail cell. The zoophile says, "You know what I could really go for right now? Sex with a cat." The pedophile says, "Even better: Sex with a kitten." The sadist asks, "How about we beat the kitten up, and THEN have sex with it?" The necrophile adds, "Alright let's beat a kitten to death, and then have sex with it." Then the pyromaniac says, "Okay, how about we beat a kitten to death, light it on fire, and then have sex with it?" After all of this the masochist finally speaks up and says,
"Meow."

A man comes into a bar.
No wait, it was a horse.
A man comes into a horse.

Man is standing behind a woman in the supermarket. She notices him looking in her cart which only has a couple items. He says "You must be single." She says "How can you tell by just looking at my cart?" He says "Because you are fucking ugly."

[husaberg]

llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

[gjm]

I met a girl last week who said she wanted to be treated like a princess, so I put her in the back of a mercedes and drove it into a tunnel wall.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

[husaberg]

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

Last thing that went through her mind ....

The dashboard

[ratsalad]

Last thing that went through her mind ....

The dashboard

last drink
harvey wallbanger followed by 2 paparazi chasers

[gjm]

last drink
harvey wallbanger followed by 2 paparazi chasers

Doesn't it drive you up the wall to see these being recycled?

[Juniper]

Doesn't it drive you up the wall to see these being recycled?

Some of them are good old giggles.

I've been sent 100's to post but on a smart phone I just don't have the time.

[Akzle]

Doesn't it drive you up the wall to see these being recycled?

well, it got a lot of publicity, it was all over the radio.

...and the dash, and the console, and the bonnet...

[Juniper]

Please, spare a moment of thought for the man that told his wife he was going to china on Malaysian Flight 370, and now he can not leave his girlfriends apartment.

[husaberg]

While watching Nigella's latest cookery programme, my wife moaned, "I'll never look as good as that."

"Don't be silly," I said. "With a bit of make up and camera trickery, you'd be identical."

"Really?" she asked, perking up. "I could look like Nigella?"

"Oh, sorry," I replied. "I thought you were talking about that potato."

[unstuck]

Gotta watch them big green fuckers.:killingme:killingme:killingme


<iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/P_MJbgO7SF0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[gjm]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

[husaberg]

Why was the Blonde's bellybutton bruised?
Her husband was a blonde too!

[husaberg]

ppppppppppppppppp

[husaberg]

2 great ones............(00)

[husaberg]

yeah sorry..............:nono:

[husaberg]

9090909090909099

[Juniper]

Loving them!!

[Tazz]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/t1.0-9/603598_10153995158215193_1307420778_n.png

[husaberg]

ppppppppppppppppppppp

[husaberg]

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

[husaberg]

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

[husaberg]

oooooooooooooooooooooo

[husaberg]

http://lh3.ggpht.com/-OJ7kgwGheTs/UhkVKaw0tFI/AAAAAAAAV5I/7HgtHa86zBw/humor02%252520conan_thumb%25255B1%25255D.png

[husaberg]

lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

[Bikemad]

not sick as more i'm ever hopeful.....

A plane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4
parachutes..

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The
world needs me, I can't afford to die."
So he took the first parachute and left the aircraft.

The second passenger, Hone Harawira, said, "I am the leader of the Mana
Motuhake party in Aotearoa and I am the smartest Maori in New Zealand
history, so New Zealand's people don't want me to die.."
He took the second parachute and jumped out of the aircraft.

The third passenger, Russell Norman, said, "I'm the leader of the NZ
Greens and the nation needs my guidance, and my boyfriend would miss me."
So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped..

The fourth passenger, ex-PM Jim Bolger, said to the fifth passenger, a
10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country
the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last
parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Bolger, there's a parachute left
for you.
NZ's smartest Maori took my schoolbag!"

[husaberg]

What's blue and never fits properly?

A dead epileptic.

What's the worst thing about having a baby?
Putting the nappy back on afterwards.

Whats more fun than shitting into a babys mouth?
Watching the little barstard eat it

whats dangerous and eats nuts?
syphilis

How do you make spaghetti?
Hit a leper over the head with a tennis racket.

What does a man like more than roses on his piano?
Tulips on his organ.

What do lesbians do when they are on their periods???
Finger paint

What do Jacko and Santa Claus have in common?
They both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks...

..............Likely posted hundreds of times.........


Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says,"This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache"

Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

[gjm]

There are those that think 9 out of 10 people approve of gang rape.

Actually it is 8 out of 10.

Her dad is really starting to regret it.

[husaberg]

I've got a joke about a dead celebrity.

It's a peach.

Looks like Bob Geldoff's son in-law wont be eating Peaches anymore.

Usually you get peaches in a can.. now peaches comes in a box!

I might by into necrophilia!

Because I could eat a Peach for hours.


etc

[gjm]

What's the difference between an old television and a pregnant girlfriend?


If you stick a coathanger inside your girlfriend you don't get a very good reception.

[husaberg]

this is a good un hid in here

[husaberg]

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkiiiiiiiiio

[husaberg]

olololololoololol

[gjm]

I've got a joke about a dead celebrity.

It's a peach.

...

etc

When the police entered Peaches Geldofs house they found Ecstasy, Poppers and Whizz.

They are still looking for the rest of the family.

[husaberg]

When the police entered Peaches Geldofs house they found Ecstasy, Poppers and Whizz.

They are still looking for the rest of the family.

I understand she smelt a bit ripe.............

[husaberg]

pppppppppppppppp

[Hashbandicoot]

Q: What's 12 inches long and keeps a woman screaming and moaning all night?

A: Cot death.

[husaberg]

I have a lot of baby jokes but my worse joke has to be


Whats blue, 14inches long and fucks women?


Cot death :killingme

first joke in thread

[Hashbandicoot]

first joke in thread

Well bugger I down dead.

[husaberg]

Well bugger I down dead.

His was biggerer as well..:msn-wink:

[Juniper]

Q. You know why they say that eating raw oysters will improve a man’s sex life?
A. Because women know if he’ll eat one of those, he’ll eat anything!

Q. Why does a bride smile when she’s walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she’s given her last blow job.

Q. What’s the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back?
A. A police horse.

Q. Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?
A. Yeah…now he has no ears.

Q. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog.
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A. Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.

Q. What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A. Homeless.

Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wipe his ass.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It’s not hard.

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung.

[Juniper]

Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat.

They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.

After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.

[Juniper]

A drunk picks up a woman and gets to take her back to his place. They have quite a night and the following morning, she wakes him by playing with his prick and balls stroking them gently. He lays back hung over but enjoying the stroking. This goes on for a while, he then asks her why is she doing this and does she enjoy it.
She replies yes its great I really miss mine I used to do this for hours.

[Juniper]

Two men are strolling down the sidewalk, when they come upon a dog lying across it....

As dogs are wont to do, this one had one hind leg in the air, and was contentedly licking his junk.

The first man turned to his friend and said, "Gee, I wish I could do that..."

The second looked thoughtful for a moment and then replied...

"Maybe you'd better pet him first".

[Juniper]

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

[Juniper]

Who is the greatest Jewish cook ever?

Hitler

[Juniper]

why is there no disneyland in china?

no one is tall enough to ride the rides.

why can't an american couple have a chink baby?

two whites can't make a wong.

how do you blindfold a chink?

use dental floss

what do you get when you cross a chink with a puerto rican?

a car thief who can not drive.

What do you call a black guy driving a black Cadillac?
Black power.
What do you call a white guy driving a white Cadillac?
White power.
What do you call a Puerto Rican guy driving a blue Cadillac?
Grand Theft Auto.

Why don't Puerto Ricans have a long history of literature?
Because spray paint wasn't invented until 1949

Why do Mexicans paint their trashcans red and yellow?
So their kids think they're eating at McDonalds

What do you call a bunch of white people running down a hill?
An avalanche
What do you call a bunch of black people running down a hill?
A mudslide
What do you call a bunch of Mexican people running down a hill?
A jailbreak

What happens when a Cuban gets a flat tire?
He drowns.

What’s Cuba’s national anthem?
Row, row, row your boat
An American, a Russian, and a Mexican were out camping. The American has his Jack Daniels the Russian has his vodka and the Mexican has his tequila. The Russian takes a drink of vodka throws the bottle up in the air and shoots it. The Mexican says, "What did you do that for?" The Russian says, "In Russia we have lots of vodka." The Mexican takes a drink of his tequila throws the bottle up in the air and shoots it. The American says, "man what did you do that for?" The Mexican says, "In Mexico we have lots of tequila." The American takes a drink of his Jack Daniels throws the bottle up in the air and shoots the Mexican. The Russian looks at him and says, "Man, what the hell did you do that for?" The American says, "Oh hell, man, in America we have lots of Mexicans."

[husaberg]

ok its confession time at the local church and the nuns are going in first
1st nun: "bless me father for I have sinned, last night I held a mans penis in my left hand"
Priest: "Say the lords prayer and wash your hand in the well of holy water outside"
2nd nun: "Bless me father for I have sinned, last night I held a mans penis in my right hand"
Priest: "Say the lords prayer and wash your hand in the well of holy water outside"
3rd nun: "Bless me father for I have sinned, last night I held a man's penis in both hands"
Priest: "Say the lords prayer twice and wash both hands in the well of holy water outside"
Just then a scuffle breaks out in the queue
4th nun: "Bless me father for I have sinned......."
Priest: "Is that you sister Mary? I thought Sister Theresa was next?"
4th nun: " Yeah well if you think I'm washing my mouth in the well after she's washed her arse in it you can think again!!!"


man walks into a bar with a ostridge and a black cat.
the bar man asks the bloke "what do you want to drink?" The bloke replies, nothing for me or the ostridge but a pint for the cat!.
two minutes later he goes up again and buys the cat another drink. a minute later he buys the cat a third drink.
on the fourth time to buy a drink for the cat the barman asks "you seem to be buying that cat a lot of drinks where did you get it and the ostridge." he replies I found a magic lamp rubbed it and asked for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!!!!


french joke : 2 little girls, 6 years old on a swing. first one says to the other "I found a box of condoms on my verandah yesterday".
second one :"What's a verandah ?"

Why did Michael Jackson and Lisa-Marie Presley split up?
Because they had different ideas on rearing children

Microsoft has decided to rename "Windows 98" to "Windows Diana"
It is superficially atttractive, impossible to live with, consumes masses of resources, then it crashes.

What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
Its braille for 'suck here'

Jimmy is in the toilet with his mum. She's on the toilet and he says, "Mummy! What's that between your legs?" "That's where me and daddy were having a fight. He threw an axe at me," she said. "Fucking good shot," he said, "right up the cunt."

How do you make a cat go woof?
Douse it in petrol *before* you set fire to it.

[Juniper]

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

A: You only need one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.

[Juniper]

I called 999 for an ambulance today.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the operator.

"I stumped my toe on the coffee table." I replied.

"And you want an ambulance for that?" he laughed.

I said, "No, it's for my wife, she shouldn't have laughed."\

[Juniper]

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.
Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.
She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

[Juniper]

What do you do when your wife says she has AIDS?

Act surprised.

~~~~~

My wife called my mobile last night "Where the hell are you? You're two hours late coming home"

"I went for a drink with one of my work mates and one thing led to another" I replied.

"Are you with that idiot Dave?" she asked

"No," I replied "That blonde Sandra."

[Juniper]

This little boy is visiting the zoo with his father. They stop to have a look at an elephant and the kid just stares at it in fascination. Eventually he asks his father, "Dad, what's that thing hanging down?"

"That's the elephant's trunk," replies his father.

"No, I mean at the other end."

"Oh, that's the elephant's penis."

"That's funny," mused the little boy, "Last time we were here, Mum told me it was nothing."

"Well," said the smiling father, "You have to remember that your mother is a very spoilt woman."

[Juniper]

I have a problem with alcohol abuse.

This morning I called a bottle of vodka a cunt.

[Juniper]

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."

At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger?"

After the class was over, it took the janitor three hours to mop up the vomit.

[Juniper]

Statistically 9/11 Americans won't get this...

[Juniper]

I'm not racist. Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people

[Juniper]

What's worse than your gf being raped by the Paki who owns the corner store?

Finding out the same cunt sold her the dead batteries that were in her rape alarm!

I went to Mcdonald's and a midget served me. my order came to $3.50, I paid with a $10. The midget only gave me back $1.50. I thought about it for a few seconds and realized i could not say i was short changed to a midget. So I calmly took out my reciept and shouted, "You theiving Paki cunt! you owe me a fiver."

I came into work 15 minutes late yesterday. My boss stopped me on my way in.
"Sorry i am late boss, serious car crash with a paki taxi cab driver."

my boss looked at me, and said, "You don't look injured..."

I smiled and said, "I only pulled over and laughed at the cunt for 15 minutes.

What's brown, tight and smells funny?

No, not anal sex, it's that paki cunt from the corner store.

[Juniper]

Lets take a minute and remember that poor guy who told his wife he was going to China on Malaysian flight 370 and now cant ever leave his Girlfriends apartment.

Whats the difference between an afghani Military base and a Pakistani Elementary school?

I dont know, I just fly the drones.

[Juniper]

Have you heard about the new Catholic Bishop Burger?
It's a huge piece of meat, jammed between two tiny buns!

[Juniper]

Jesus is leading the group carrying the cross to his death, people are throwing things and stones...suddenly he stops the crowd stops to listen....and he says..."those without sin cast the first stone".

Suddenly, he's hit in the head with a rock, Jesus says..."Mom, sometimes you really piss me off."

[Juniper]

Rob told me that he thinks his dog is secretly gay.

I was offended and I asked him how he could possible know that.

Rob said, "Well, his cock tastes like shit".

[Juniper]

Rob's daughter walks into the bathroom and sees her father in the shower. Being young and quite naive she points to her fathers penis and asks when she will get 'one of those'.

Rob looks at his watch. "When your mother leaves for work"

[husaberg]

The Harry Potter films are so unrealistic. The flying car and magical powers are believable but a ginger hair kid with two mates!!

How did the little redneck girl know her mother was on her period.......

Her brothers dick tasted funny!(bound to have been posted many times but i don't care)

Q: Why do women have legs?
A: So they don't leave a trail like a slug.

well salman rushdie has got a knighthood for winding up the muslims, and he's really going for a seat in the house of lords with a new book .

its called "Buddha is a cunt"

Why do Arab women have red dots on their foreheads?
Target practice for their husbands

*How many emo's does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they'd rather sit in the dark and cry about it.

*How many emo kids does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them

*What's better than 50 emo kids nailed to a tree?
One emo kid nailed to fifty trees.

*how many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3,One to replace it, & two to write a poem about how they miss the old one

*did you hear about that new emo pizza??? It cuts itself!

*If a blonde and an emo kid jump off a building and hit the ground at the same time, who dies first?

The blonde, she drowns in the emo kid's tears.

*What's the difference between an Emo kid and a dead baby?
The baby doesn't cry.

*What do you call an emo kid outside the mall?
Anything he'll cry no matter what you do.

*What's emo's favourite film?
Suicider-Man 2

*How do you get an emo down from a tree?
cut the rope!!

Old Mother Hubbard, went to her cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over, Rover took over and the bitch got a bone of her own.

[husaberg]

Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are gone. So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you stick it in a disabled one.

[Juniper]

Rob enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his 7 year-old daughter.

The pharmacist is a little shocked and asks, “Your 7 year-old daughter is sexually active?”

“No,” replies Rob, “she just sort of lays there and cries.”

[Juniper]

Rob's girlfriend asked him to pretend that she was 14 while she gave him a blow job. He refused to participate, saying it was weird and gross.

He asked, "You're going to be 14 in a couple of years anyway, what's the rush?"

[husaberg]

Why is the Bible like a penis?

You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

[husaberg]

A family of prostitutes are talking.
The daughter says, "I got &#163;50 for a blow job today".
The mother says, "in my day it was &#163;5".
The Grandmother says, "in my day we were just glad for the warm drink".

[husaberg]

Two Paddies were talking about films

The first says "That old bird who played Pussy Galour in that James Bond film has completeley split open her fanny"

The second says "Honor Blackman?"

"No, With a dildo" he replied.

[husaberg]

I was feeling a little depressed, so i phoned the samaritans. The british branch was busy so they put me through to the Pakistan branch.

I told them I was feeling suicidal, they said "Great, can you fly a plane?"

[husaberg]

A Priest, A Rabbi, and a Black man all jump out of an airplane, which one survives?
- Who cares?

[husaberg]

Whats brown and runny?


Ussain Bolt.

[husaberg]

One night a little girl awoke and she decided to go into her mum and dads room, but no one was there, so she made her way to the garage, and heard something very peculiar coming from the steamed car...
The next morning, the little girl awoke, went down stairs, and whilst eating her breakfast, asked her mother, ''what where you and dad doing last night mummy in the garage?''
The mother paused... ''We where baking cakes my dear.''

The next night, the girl awoke again, went into her mothers bedroom... and alas, no one was there. So she went to the bathroom, and noticed the light was on, and unusual sound where coming from the bathtub.
The next morning, the girl asked her mother again, ''What where you and daddy doing in the bathroom last night...?''
''Oh... you know... baking cakes again my dear.''

Then, on the third night, the girl crept down the stair case, and heard unusual activity in the living room.
The next morning, the girl said, ''I know what you where doing last night mummy.''
Th mother asked curiously... ''What?''
''You where baking cakes...''
''How do you know that?'' The mother asked in shock.
The girl replied rubbing her tummy, ''I licked the icing off the sofa...''

[husaberg]

It seems Mike Tyson may be more sensitive than we might have thought. He claims that he sometimes cries during sex....... Then again thats what mace is made for!

[husaberg]

two part gag.

My mate has being feeling really depressed and suicidal recently

so i decided to cheer him up, so i pushed him in front of a steam train.........


HE WAS CHUFFED TO BITS

[husaberg]

What sits quietly in the corner getting smaller and smaller?



A baby with a cheese grater

[husaberg]

"Terms for Female Masturbation
5 Digit Disco
Buzzing the honey hole
Backslappin' Betty
Bailing out the Gravy
Boat Beaver bashin'
Bouncing the bearded clam
Buffing the box
Buffing the jewel
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Clam twiddlin' jamboree
Critter crammin'
Damming the beaver
Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone
Diddling miss daisy
Diggin' for clams
Digitis Erectus
Fingering the fountain
Flicking the minnow
Friday night lip service
Frosting the muffin of love
Giving yourself the finger
Going for the gooey duct
Impeaching Bush
Juicing the clam
Let your fingers do the walking
Lip smacking
Menage a'moi
Petting the kitty
Piddly Diddler
Playing the squeezebox
Pokin' the pie
Polishing the little pink pearl
Pumping the kooter
Punchin' the chipmunk
Reading in Braille
Riding the clitoris-sauras
Romancing thy own
Roughing up the suspect
Self-guided tuna boat tour
Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose
Spanking Lucy
Stroking the newt
Ticklin' the taco
Tissue tickling
Twirling the pearl
Unbuttoning the fur coat
Warming the wrist rocket"

[husaberg]

A scientist has proved that beer has female hormones in it. He had twenty men drink twenty pints each and all lost the ability to drive and started talking nonsense.

[husaberg]

A little bloke is standing at a bar when a big bloke walks upto the bar and stand next to him. He proudly proclaims: "Turner Brown, seven foot one, 350 pounds and a twenty inch cock."

At this the little man faints dead away. The big man is shocked and revives him. The little man asks him to repeat what he said and when he hears it again, he says: "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around' ."

[husaberg]

4 Spies are on the Orient Express.
The first one says " I am American and a CIA agent".
The second guy says"I am Russian and a KGB agent".
The third guy says " I am British and a MI6 agent".
The forth Guys says " I am a PAKI and a newsagent".

[Juniper]

A Street walker was trolling for business, and was outside a bar talking to customers as they left. " Wanna try something new and Exciting " she asked one Guy
"What are you selling today Darling, Leprosy? " was the reply.

[Juniper]

So Here I am in this internet cafe with the biggest nigger reading every word i ty

[Juniper]

The thing I hate about flying Malaysian Airlines is the long swim to baggage claim.

[Juniper]

Why Was Michael Jackson, like caviar?

Caviar Comes on little crackers.
:o)

[Juniper]

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'

[Juniper]

Why is a bowl of jello, like a woman?

It quivers, if you eat it right!

[Juniper]

I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said:

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard!

[Juniper]

When Jesus was getting crucified, I wonder if he thought -

"I bet this will look good on a necklace one day."

[Juniper]

Little Johnny is staying at his grandmother's house for the weekend with his parents. He walks into their room in the middle of the night and wakes his mother. His mother says "What is it Johnny?"
Little Johnny says "Grandma has a shrimpy!"
His mother looks at him puzzled. "She has a what?"
Johnny says "A shrimpy!" His mother has no idea what little Johnny is talking about. His mother says "Come and show me what you're talking about."
Little Johnny leads his mother downstairs where his 85 year old grandmother is lying sprawled out on the sofa in her night-gown. Her gown is wide open and so are her legs. She is sound asleep. Johnny says to his mother, "Look mommy, Grandma has a shrimpy!" He points to her vagina. His mother laughs. "No, no, Johnny, that's not a shrimpy. That's her vagina."
Little Johnny looks up at his mother and says "Wow! Sure does taste like shrimpy."

[husaberg]

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69"
"What the hell is that?" asks the guy.
Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine."
Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart.
"What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again." she says.
So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on."Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those,you're crazy!



Q: What's black and has 27 breasts??
A: The dumpster outside the cancer clinic.

Q: Whats red and screams?
A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

Q: What do you do after raping a blind, dumb girl?
A: Break her fingers so she cant tell anyone.

Q: What's the difference between a train carriage and a miscarriage?
A: You can't eat a train carriage.

Q: What would Princess Diana be doing right now if she were still alive?
A: Scratching at the lid of her coffin.

Q: Why do woman have vaginas?
A: So men will talk to them.

Q: What's the fastest way to a woman's heart?
A: Through her chest with a sharp knife.

Q: What's blue and fucks grannies?
A: Me in my lucky blue suit.

Q: Whats something that only women can do?
A: Get laid after they're dead

Q: What's the difference between spit and swallow?
A: About 30 pounds of pressure on the back of her head.

[husaberg]

Whats black and white and goes to bed hungry?

heath ledgers cat.


If the answer is cockrobin,what is the question?

Whats that up my arse batman!!

They found Heath Ledger's suicide note. Titled "10 Things I Hate About Me"

Patrick Swayze has just turned down the oppertunity to star in Dirty Dancing (The sequel).

Apparently he is trying to hold on for a few more months to star in Ghost 2.

Pavarotti met Princess Di in heaven. "I'd love to have a halo as big as yours" says the Tenor. "Fuck off Fatty" says Di, "it's not a halo it's a steering wheel."

Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "get this out of me, give me the drugs."
She turns to her boyfriend and says, "you did this to me you fucker."
He replies casually, "if you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said fuck off it'll be too painful."

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

[husaberg]

deserves to be by itself


I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me, "oi, what's your disability?"

I said, "Tourettes, now fuck off you cunt!"

[caspernz]

Why Was Michael Jackson, like caviar?

Caviar Comes on little crackers.
:o)

I'm still upset that Michael Jacksons' doctor got in trouble for killing a child molester :crazy:

[husaberg]

Did you hear about the Jewish paedophile?
He hid in the bushes and said, "Hey little girl, wanna buy some candy?"



Man comes home to find his 17 year old daughter with a pink dildo up her "What the fuck are you doin!" he shouts " well you wont let me have a boyfriend so this is my substitute" she explains

The next night the daughter comes home to find her dad with a pink dildo up his arse drinking a can of beer. "What the fuck are you doin!" she shouts he replys " having a beer with your boyfriend

hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door.

There's no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a Japanese bloke answers...

"Harro", says the Jap guy

"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman

"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says

"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man.

"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheelie Bin?"

"OK" "OK" , says the Jap, "I wheelie bin having wank


Austrian Jozef Fritzl is writing a new book. Critics are doubting though, whether it will be a best cellar.

An Austrian jounalist asked a neighbour how long he had known josef Fritzels daughter alice. "Alice?" he replied " who the fuck is alice, u mean for 24 years iv been living next door to alice!"


I have just bought an austrian womens diary off e-bay.
Monday - stayed in
Tuesday - stayed in
Wednesday - stayed in
Thursday - stayed in
Friday - stayed in
Saturday - stayed in
Sunday - stayed in



How do you know your teacher is a paedo?

Your homework comes back and HE'S drawn a cock on it.

Why do scotsmen have blue willies?

Because they are tight fisted wankers.

what do you do when your wife wants to talk to you?
remove the duct tape.

[husaberg]

Not My Kind Of Date

A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."


After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened last night?"

"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.

"Piss on him," answered the husband.

"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."

"Well, fuck him," said the husband.

"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."



Had wank over my ex-girlfriend last night , i know its wrong but i still have a key and she's a heavy sleeper



An interesting fact, Tiger Woods and Lewis Hamilton shared the same nick name at school ..........

How do you know that the local council designed the female genitals?

Well who else would put a play area next to a shithole?

[Hashbandicoot]

Q: Why do you put a dead baby into a blender feet first?
A: So you can cum on its face.

[gjm]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/t1.0-9/10259944_10203558035135410_6776401732696294886_n.j pg

OK, so if you're seeing this you're unlikely to be offended by it...

[husaberg]

Old MacDonald had Tourettes e-i e-i CUNT



I bought a Valentine's Day card for everyone at our local Tourette's Society.

It's the thought that cunts.



I love to have sex with a bird that has Tourette's, it makes my neighbours think I'm great in bed!




I went to the doctor's today and I was diagnosed with Tourette's Syndrome.

I'm not too bothered about it - I think everyone's a cunt anyway.



I'm over at my mates getting stoned when his Mum comes in, winks in my direction, mouths the words 'Fuck me', and heads off into the kitchen. Sneaking out, I follow her through. Again, she whispers 'fuck me'. In a flash, I whip down her skirt and knickers, and start fucking her like crazy. You should have heard some of the filth coming out of her mouth. She was loving it.

Anyway, the following day I get a knock at the door. It's my mate and he looks angry. "What do you think you're doing raping my Mum!"

"Woah, it wasn't like that" I insist.

Tearfully, he replies, "This is all she needs. First tourettes, and now this!"





My wife has that weird thing that makes you shout out random nonsense.

A vagina.

[husaberg]

3 Irish men walk into a cafe and start wanking, waitress shouts , "oy, what the fuck do you think your doing , ?" paddy points to the sign , 1st come , 1st served.


aaaand I keep getting my profile rejected by match.com, one of the questions is what do you want in a woman, apparently, My cock, is not an acceptable answer...


Woman runs in to a police station crying her eyes out, " ive been graped" she said.
"Dont you mean raped"? replied the officer.
"no, there was a bunch of them"


Woman gets rushed to hospital crying that her fanny has been stretched that much it nearly ripped her in two, " i was raped by an elephant" she told the nurse.
"thats strange, elephants dont have this big a penis" replied the nurse.
" i know, but it fingered me first"

Kadark buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
Kadark doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass.
Kadark hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
'No,' she says, 'they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.'

[husaberg]

A farmer in Devon has successfully grown a field of vibrators.



Unfortunately, he now has a problem with squatters.

What do you do if you see an epiliptec having a seizure in the bathtub?
-Grab your clothes and do some laundry...

Enjoy...

Doctor to patient- " i have good and bad news"
patient- "whats the bad news?"
doctor- " we've had to remove both of your legs"
patient- "christ, whats the good news?"
doctor- " we've sold your slippers."

doctor says to patient- "i have good and bad news"
Patient- "whats the good news doc?"
doctor- "your tumour has gone!"
patient- "whats the bad news?"

doctor- "the cancer has eatten it."

Doctor to patients husband- "Unfortunately sir, your wife has either Alzheimers or Aids."
Patients husband- "how do i find out which she has? what should i do?"
Doctor- "drop her off 10 miles away from home and leave her there, if she finds her way home, dont fuck her."

Beer without alcohol is like eating your sisters pussy... Taste´s the same but it just don´t feel right...

What do you call a black Pirate?



A Pirate! you fucking racists!

Q: What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?




A: A NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST!!!

What does GAY stand for? Got Aids Yet?

What does AIDS stand for? Arse Injected Death Sentance

What's the best thing about fucking a 3 year old?
Kicking him to death afterwards.

A Jewish man and a Chinese man are sitting next to each other on a train when the Jewish man turns to the Chinese man and says, “Your people really Got your ass kicked in WWII” the confused Chinese man said, “I am Chinese not Japanese, we didn’t get our ass kicked in WWII it was the Japanese”

The Jewish man replied, “Chinese, Japanese, you people are all the same”
The Chinese man now offended and upset took a few moments then said, “You Jews are not perfect, your people sank the Titanic”

The Jewish man quickly said, “You fool an Iceberg sank the Titanic”
The Chinese man said, “Iceberg, Weinberg, Steinberg, hell you are all the same”

[husaberg]

A priest is on duty in the confessional and desperately needs to take a piss. He looks around and finds a young nun and asks her to sit in for him.

Nun: "Is there anything I need to know?"

Priest: "Just listen to whatever their sins are, look it up on this list and give them the penance listed. It's easy! "

So the nun takes over, and it's going according to plan. Ten Hail Mary's here, a Rosary there...

After a while, a girl enters the confessional and says that she has given her boyfriends 5 blowjobs since her last confession. "Blowjob" is not on the sin list, so the nun opens the door to see if anyone is around. She is happy to find an alter boy and asks "What does Father Phil give for blowjobs!?!?!"

"Usually a Snickers bar... but he give me a soda also to wash down the taste!" said the alter boy proudly.

[Juniper]

The Pope calls his mother right after being elected Pope.
Pope: Hi mom, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Mother: What's the good news?
Pope: I've just been elected Pope.
Mother: What's the bad news?
Pope: I have to move into an Italian neighborhood.

Q: What's the best thing about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she'll swallow!

Why do the police in Prague travel in threes?
They need one who is able to read, another who can write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

Do you know what a Jewish dilemma is?
Free ham.

How did the Redneck woman know that her daughter was having her period?
She could taste the blood on her son's penis.

[Juniper]

What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered women's shelter?

The dishes if she knows what's good for her!

[Juniper]

Two women are sitting out on the patio having a conversation.

Woman one asks woman 2, "How many calories are in cum?

Woman two sits and thanks for a minute, scratches her head and replies, "If you're sucking that much dick that you have to worry about it... I don't think anyone's going to care if you're a little chubby."

[Juniper]

My racist jokes are getting a lot of dislikes today.

It's almost as if hundreds of niggers have all got new laptops or something.

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."

I listened as this couple discussed the options before them.
"Shall we go for yellow again?" she asked.
"I was thinking of something darker, maybe a light brown, you know, to match the curtains," he replied.
"We could try something really dark, what about black this time?" she asked again.

It was at that point I asked Mr Pitt and Ms Jolie to continue their discussion outside of the orphanage.

I told my son he was adopted today, he went crazy and fucked my wife.

Imagine his response when I tell him I was only joking.

"Oh yeah! Who's your fucking daddy! Yeah thats right, im your fucking daddy! Say it! Say im your daddy, you little slut! Before i give you a good hard spanking!"

"Umm... Actually Mr. Thomas, im starting to doubt whether you are fit enough to adopt. Please hand over the child."

Dear Elton.

If you're going to jump on the celebrity bandwagon and adopt an orphan, can I suggest you go for a nigger. Far more controversial, and they've got bigger dicks.

Regards,

Madonna.

New Miley Cyrus DVD: $25

Tub of Vaseline: $5

XL Box of Tissues: $3

The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay: Priceless

I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.
It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot or a Frenchman a Cunt.

Amy Winehouse was disappointed when it was explained to her that she had won 5 Grammys and not 5 Grams.

Me and my dad were at the zoo earlier when he made a ridiculous comparison. He said, "Those screaming monkeys sound like Nicki Minaj."

I told him to apologise to the monkeys immediately.

[slofox]

"How did the Redneck woman know that her daughter was having her period?
She could taste the blood on her son's penis."

Holy fuck - who writes this shit..? :facepalm:

[husaberg]

A gay walks into a proctologist's office for an appointment. During the exam with the handsome doctor, the gay gets a stiffy and moans a lot.

The doctor is pissed and kicks him out of the office.

Two days later, the gay returns and apologizes. The doctor has his doubts but consents to see him anyway. This exam ends the same way as the last one. Kicked out again...

A few more days pass and the gay returns to the doctors office one more time. The doctor says "NO!", but then is reminded of his oath to help, cure and comfort. He tells the gay that this is the last time... any funny business and he'll call the cops.

On the exam table, the doctor is surprised to actually find a blockage and proceeds to work it loose. It turns out to be a dozen long-stemmed roses, thorns and all... He asks the gay how they could have possibly gotten in there, to which the gay responds

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"READ THE CARD!!!!!!"





3 blokes on a camping trip are asleep in a tent together.

In the morning, the bloke on one side says "I had a really vivid dream that I was being tossed off."

"Really?" says the bloke on the other side. "So did I".

The bloke in the middle says "I dreamt that I was skiing"




Gary Glitter was reported to be very unhappy when the in-flight movie screened on his flight from Vietnam was not the version of '3 Men and a Baby' he had in his own personal collection.



A man walks into a pub and is astonished to see a horse standing in the center of the room with a sign above it's head, saying "Make the horse laugh, £100!" He thinks about it a second, then tells the bartender, "I'd like to take a crack at that." So, he saunters over to the horse and whispers in his ear. Sure enough, that horse is laughing so hard there's tears streaming out of his eyes and he's fallen to his knees. The man collects his money and walks out.
A week or so later, the man returns to the pub to find the horse standing there with a sign above him that says "Make the horse cry, £100!" The man goes over to the bartender, without even ordering his first drink and says, "I'd like to take a crack at that, but first, is it okay if I take 'im 'round back?"
The bartender says, "Ya' won't be harmin' my horse, now, will ya'?"
"Nah, man... It's just that it's kind of a private thing between us." So, the bartender gives his permission for him to lead him out back. He peeks out the window and sure enough, that horse is sobbing his eyes out. After the horse composes himself, the man leads him back inside and goes to collect his money. Just before he turns to walk out, the bartender stops him and asks, "So, what exactly did ya' do, man? I've never seen anything like that in m'life!"
"It was simple," he replied. "To make him laugh, I told him I had a bigger cock than he did. To make him cry, I proved it!"


How do you give a feminist Freedom of Speech?
Take your dick out her mouth!


Gary Glitter is flying straight to America to check in to the Betty Ford clinic, in the hope of ridding him self of his 12 year old crack addiction.


What did Gary Glitter say to Michael Jackson?
I'll swap you two 5's for a 10.


How about, Gary Glitter, swallowed a cabinet, pee'd a file.


Tom Cruise, his wife and kids have invited Gary Glitter to a sail out on their luxury yacht until all of the heat dies down. Gary is delighted..."I can't wait to come on a little cruise" he said

It is now illegal to wear your clothes on the wrong part of your body.

Take Gary Glitter for example; he was jailed for putting a Thai on his cock

If all the Smarties eaten worldwide in one year were laid end to end...

They would lead all the way to Gary Glitter's house in Thailand

What's Gary Glitter's girlfriend getting for Christmas?

Pubes.


Gary Glitter bought 10 cases of Glenfiddich scotch whiskey today, because the salesman told him it was a cheeky little 12yr old that goes down well ,



What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?




A stick.

[husaberg]

Whats the difference between jam and jelly?

You cant jell your dick in a girls ass!

[husaberg]

September 11th 2001 was a very sad day for me. My dog died, I was fired from work and my Wife left me.

On a brighter note, there was some good stuff on the telly that day


Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

[Juniper]

Did we miss it? Here are a few thoughts to celebrate in case we did, and please feel free to add more!

What is black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron
.................................................. ......
How do you get a retard out of a tree?
Wave at them
.................................................. ......
What do you call a dog with no legs?
doesn't matter he can't come
.................................................. ....
Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?
He went around killing gingers.
.................................................. ...
Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their dogs
.................................................. ...
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden?
Seizure Salad
.................................................. ..
A teacher was giving her class a talk about stuttering.
She said no other breathing thing on Earth stutters except humans.
The little girl on the front row said teacher that's not true my kitty stutters.
Trying to be polite & get the kids involved the teacher asked her how so.
Well, the girl began, my kitty and I were in the backyard one day when this big Rottweiler dog jumped the fence and charged at my kitty.
My kitty went ffft. ffft. ffft. and before it could say FUCK the Rottweiler ate him!

[husaberg]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, ‘We can't tell you. You're not a monk’.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, ‘We can't tell you. You're not a monk’.

The man says, ‘All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk’?


The monks reply, ‘You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk’.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task you demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, ‘Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound’.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

silver,
topaz,
and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, ‘This is the key to the last door’.


The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight

















. . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[husaberg]

A man enters the confessional and says "Bless me father for I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching very shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

[husaberg]

Two bums are walking along the side of a road early one morning, complaining about their empty stomachs. The night before they
had spent every dime they had on whiskey, so naturally they had no money for breakfast. By and by they come upon a flattened possum lying dead on the roadside. The first bum says to the second, "I'll split it with ya."

The second politely refuses, so the first bum eats the entire thing by himself. An hour or so later, as they are walking, the first bum starts turning green. He gags for a few minutes and then spews the possum remains all over the road.

The second bum smiles and says, "I knew if I waited long enough I'd get a hot meal."

[husaberg]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in
the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the
door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[husaberg]

What's blue and fucks 12 year olds?

Me in my lucky blue suit.


5 muslims were klled in a car crash last night.
Police described their condition as 'satisfactory'.


Little Johnny's next door neighbor went to see a psychiatrist. "The other day," the woman said, "I happened to see my daughter and the little boy next door both naked, examining each other's bodies."

"Well, that's not unusual," smiled the psychiatrist, "I wouldn't worry about something as normal as that."

"But I AM worried doctor." insisted the woman. "I don't think it's normal at all, and neither does my daughter's husband."


A priest checks into his hotel and says to the receptionist "I hope the porn channel on my TV is disabled".

"You get regular porn just like every one else you sick bastard" she replies.


A proud father gave his son twenty pounds and sent him off to the local brothel. On his way the boy passed by his grandmother's house and she called him in. He explained where he was going and she insisted that he save the twenty pounds and make love to her.

The boy returned home with a big smile. "How was it?" asked the father.

"Great, and I saved the twenty pounds," responded the boy.

"How's that?" his father asked.

"I did it with Grandma," the boy explained.

His father screamed, "You mean you f**ked my mother?"

"Hey, why not? You've been f**king mine!"

What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying. A prick is the guy who owns it.

Here's one to do on your mates.

You say you can only say 'Take It' or 'Leave It'
You: if you found a grand on the floor, what would you do?
Mate: Take It
You: if you found an old pair of trainers in a bin what would you do?
Mate: Leave it (i hope)
You: if you saw a ferrari with the keys in what would you do? (optional depending on who your mates are)
Mate: Take It
You: if you woke up tomorrow with a cock up your arse what would you do?

TAKE IT or LEAVE IT!

[Juniper]

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend, yet.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went to the thrift shop and got all of her clothes back.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles; but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Iran . I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

[Juniper]

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the

nerve up to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself
anyway,

would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Hell no...get away from me...you're a sicko!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered,

"Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

[Juniper]

What is the difference...

Between a good girl, a bad girl or an evil girl?

A good girl swallows

A bad girl spits

An evil girl gargles ;)

[Juniper]

A Trucker Is Driving Down The Road , And Picks Up Two Hitch Hikers . . .

. . . as the three of them are driving on down the highway , one of the hitch hikers asks the other two people , "Do you mind if I fart ?" They tell him to go ahead. "Puh" goes the fart. A few miles further , the other other hitch hiker asks if he can fart , and receives permission to do so. "Puh" goes the fart. Yet a few more miles down the road , the truck driver exclaims that now , he too , needs to pass some gas. "Pppppppppppphhhtttt" comes his rather thunderous flugelhorn sounding call , and the two hitch hikers he's riding with in unison , both say , "Still a virgin , huh ?"

[Juniper]

2 guys walk into a bar and inquire with the bartender as to where they can get baptized. The bartender replies that he can do it right here. He takes them into the restroom and rubs their heads in the urinal. "There", he says, you are baptized. The two men leave the bar a little bewildered and start discussing what they were baptized as. the first one replies, "We're not Catholics, they sprinkle the water on you." the second replies "We're not Baptists, they dunk you." after thinking a while one of them says "I know what we are! We're pisscapalians!"

[Juniper]

A truck Driver was driving through a small town in west Virginia one day when he came upon a local watering hole and decided to stop, have a drink and a burger. Having been on the road for so long of a time he figured he'd better use the restroom before lunch. As he was standing at the urinal three black men walked in and one of them started using the urinal next to him. The urinals having no dividers between them, the truck driver couldn't help but notice that the black man standing next to him had a white dick. The driver hurriedly washed his hands and left the restroom and went out into the bar to sit and place his lunch order. The bartender noticing that the truck driver was very upset and pale ask him what had him so shaken. The truck driver explained the scene in the bathroom and told the bartender I have never seen anything like this, a black man with a white dick! The bartender trying his best to calm him told the truck driver, that's not a big deal, you're simply mistaken. The three black men you saw in the bathroom are not niggers, they're coalminer's and one with the white dick just got married last night!

[Juniper]

A father walks into a pharmacy, goes to the counter and asks the pharmacist about getting birth control for his 11 year old daughter. "My god, your 11 year old is sexually active!" the pharmacist exclaims. The dad replies "not really, she just lies there and cries."



A father walks into a pharmacy, goes to the counter and asks the pharmacist about getting the morning after pill for his nine year old daughter. "My god, your nine year old is sexually active !" the pharmacist exclaims.

The dad replies, "Not yet. Last night I was drunk and mistook her for her 11 year old sister."

[Juniper]

I saw a recent one night stand earlier:

"Oi, I want a word with you" she yelled, "I only fucked you 'cos you said you'd put me in a movie."

"I already have love" I replied, "you're a big hit on Redtube."

[Juniper]

The Last Kiss

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin , Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed

[Juniper]

A man raped his own mother and when they asked him why he did it he replied,

"I wanted to surprise her with grandchildren"

[Juniper]

Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!" He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"

I like my women how I like my scotch....
....twelve years old and mixed up with coke.

So this guy goes to Australia for a tourist trip and on the border they ask him if he had ever stayed in jail or had been arrested. So he says: " I did not know that was still required"

A 12 year old boy gets hit by a car at a busy intersection.
A woman witnesses the entire event and runs over to the little boy, who’s lying on the ground in a pool of blood.
She gently cradles the boy’s head in her arms and whispers, “Do you need a priest?”
The boy moans, “How you can think of sex at a time like this?”

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doc says.
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.
"No, you've got bowel cancer."

A lawyer is sitting in his parked BMW when a tow truck crashes into the car. The crash takes car door clean off and the driver speeds away. The lawyer immediately signals a cop and begins ranting about how much the damage to his car is going to cost. The cop replies, "You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money." The lawyer says, "How DARE you call me materialistic." The cop replies, "Well, you've been so concerned about your car that you didn't notice that your arm is missing." The lawyer screams, "FUCK! My Rolex!"

[Juniper]

I just found out I can suck my own cock.

Never try to rape a woman who's got a Stanley knife.

[Juniper]

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently not 3, My fucking basement is still dark

[Juniper]

I hate it when my girls calls me daddy during sex....I know I'm her father, I don't need to be constantly reminded

[Juniper]

The poor man asks the rich man, "what are you going to give your wife this Christmas?" The rich man tells him, "I'm giving her diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "why are you getting her those two gifts?" The rich man replies, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings she can drive to the store and exchange them." The poor man nods.

Then, the rich man asks the poor man, "What are you going to give your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and says, "I'm giving her a pair of slippers and a dildo." Confused, the rich man asks "Why are you giving her those two things?" To which the poor man reponds, "Well, if she doesn't like the slippers then she can go fuck herself."

[Juniper]

What do you call a black man who flies an airplane?

A pilot you fucking racists!

[Juniper]

Which one of these things just doesn't belong: drum, full house, submissive, blow job.

You can beat a drum, you can beat a full house, you can beat a submissive, but you can't beat a blow job!

[Juniper]

little johnny is sitting out side the church next an ants nest pounding away with his fist on the nest saying "DIE FUCKING ANTS, DIE YOU USELESS FUCKING ANTS"
The priest hears johnny, walks over and asks "what are you doing there little johnny"
Johnny looks at the padre and says "i'm killing these useless fucking ants padre"
The priest looks johnny in the eye and says " Johnny i want you to name me 3 things that god put on this earth which have absolutely no use at all"
so johnny thinks for a bit and says "right, nun's cunts, priest's balls and these fucking ants"

[Juniper]

There once was a man named O'Toole
Who couldn't follow a single Catholic rule
So he converted to Islam to start a new life
And suddenly felt better about beating his wife.

[Juniper]

how do you kill a retard?

Put scissors in their hand and ask them "who is special?"

....

"I'm Special, I'm Special..." screams the retard as they slap/stab themselves in the chest.

[Juniper]

What do you call the wife of a dead president who lays in the desert waiting to suck off Arabs?
Jackie Oasis.

What do you get when you cross a Japanese artist with a dead fat Broadway actor?
Yoko Coco.

What do you get when you put 1,000 monkeys in front of 1,000 typewriters?
The staff of the New York Post.

Why did Maria Shriver marry Arnold Schwarzenegger?
Because they are trying to breed bullet-proof Kennedys.

What do you call a Russian nerd?
A red square.

What do you call an Iranian who stops your car and takes your money?
Ayatollbooth Khomeini.

How do you know Davy Crockett was a racist?
He wore coon-skin caps.

How does the Ku Klux Klan go surfing with Negroes?
They hang ten.

What do you call blacks who read Lord of the Rings?
Tolkien Negroes.

Why did the white man bring blacks to America?
Because the Indians weren't good joke material.

What's the difference between a Jewish woman and an Italian woman?
Italian women have real orgasms and fake diamonds.

What do you call a group of racist Jews who toast bagels on people's front lawns?
The Klu Klux Kleins

[Juniper]

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbour's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbours are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbour's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbour is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?". The neighbour replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

[Juniper]

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her
husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about thesame size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit?
She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"

[Juniper]

A little boy has diarrhea.
He tells his mom he needs Viagara. The mom is confused. So, she asks, "Son, why on Earth do you need Viagara". The boy replies, "Isn't that what daddy takes when his shit won't get hard?"

[husaberg]

99% of women have sex with their eyes shut,

Which makes it difficult to identify a rapist!




A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"
The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car – and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"



What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Porsche?

I don't have a Porsche in my garage!

[Juniper]

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like
expensive perfume. She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator
with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also
smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian
woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination
and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves she looks both beautiful
women in the eyes, turns, bends over, and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

[Juniper]

How To Be A Nigger


Lie about how big your dick is all the time, and about how many white women you fucked while their husbands were away at work. This way, you feel wanted by someone other than law enforcement.

It doesn't matter how shitty your car is, put the biggest diameter rims on you can find, and the most expensive stereo system. Ride around in white neighborhoods at night and play rap music as loud as you can. We love the rattling trunk, we really, really do.

When begging for money, act offended at white folks who only give you a dime or a "solid quattah" instead of a five dollar bill. This is a reasonable means to attack or mug them. When you get caught, state your reason as "dey wuz white." The media and the ACLU will come to your rescue, so don't sweat it.

Always whine about how the white man is keeping you down, and how you are owed slave reparations. Even though you've never been a slave and could never survive it because you're lazy.

[Juniper]

You've heard the VISA slogan, "it's everywhere you want to be." I guess that means there are a lot of women walking around with credit cards up their cunts.

Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So you can tell them apart from feminists.

Women don't care how big your dick is. They would, but they're too busy worrying about the size of their tits.

[Juniper]

A black guy and a gorilla go into a bar together. He says to the bartender, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."

The bartender says, "Oh come on, pal, we don't serve no gorillas in here."

So the guy figures he'll fix them, he takes the gorilla home, shaves off all her hair, gives her a nice wig, lipstick, red dress, etc. He takes her back to the bar and says, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."

The bartender gives them the drinks and they go off and sit down and chat. The bartender turns to his buddy at the bar and says, "You know, that drives me crazy, it seems like every time a good looking Italian girl comes in here, she's with a black guy."

[Juniper]

An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife, they stay in a 5 star
hotel and hire a limo for the day. While driving along the road, his
wife asks, "Look! What is that man doing with that Kangaroo?"
The man says, "My God! Don't look, it's disgusting."
Further down the road the wife says, "Look, another one!" and
husband says,
"Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel."
They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden leg
having a wank on the steps of the hotel. The husband charges in and
says, "Look we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5 star hotel
and what happens? We are driving down the road and we come across a
drover in copulation with a kangaroo. Further on, recurrence of the
same thing. Then we get back here only to find a man with one leg,
ONE WOODEN LEG, masturbating on your steps. Well, what do you have
to say about that!?"
The manager says, "Struth mate, you expect a man with a wooden leg
to, catch his own kangaroo?"

[Juniper]

Porn Hub has pledged to plant a new tree for every hundred videos viewed on its site.

The amount of tissue paper I get through, I'm still not sure that's environmentally sustainable.

[Juniper]

"I was sacked today for fucking about." I told the bartender.

"How come?" He asked.

"I made a Lady Gaga suit out of the left overs." I sniggered.

"Idiot," he laughed, "So you worked in catering right?"

"Catering? Fuck no, I worked at the maternity ward."

[Juniper]

In Nigeria At least 15 people were trampled today at a job fair/interview...

When did they learn to run away from chains and collars???

[Swoop]

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

[Juniper]

My wife pulled out a strap-on and said, "Tonight I want to be the man."

So I handed her a porn mag and made her sleep on the sofa.

[Juniper]

whats the definition of gross?

taking your grandmother to a party, turning her upside down and using her for chip dip

[Juniper]

What starts with N and ends with R that you never want to call a black person?
Neighbour.

What does NAACP stand for?
National Association of Apes Called People.

What's the worst thing about being a black jew?
You have to be at the back of the oven.

Why do all black people have nightmares?
Because we shot the only one that had a dream.

[Juniper]

I'm glad segregation is over. I fucking hate sitting at the front of the bus.

Indian guy? Do you mean feather or dot? Casino or gas station?

What's worse than a bus full of blacks driving off a cliff killing everyone? There were 2 empty seats.

Best security system: put a "Now Hiring" sign on your door.

Why do blacks stink? So blind people can hate them too.

[husaberg]

"there I was, balls deep in this guys a-s.

I reach around, He's got a hard-on; what a fag!"

[husaberg]

I got talking to a girl in the pub last night. Turns out we have a lot of similar interests. Such as My Chemical Romance...

... or Rohypnol, as I call it

[husaberg]

Lady and her best friend go on holiday to the caribbean and meet a musclar Black guy. After a week of fantastic threesome sex they ask his name. He says my names 'Snow' The ladies start laughing, he asks why they are laughing? They reply 'our husbands will never believe we had 10 inches of fucking snow in the caribbean'.

[husaberg]

I was invited to a function at the premature Ejaculation Society. When I asked what was the dress code they said 'just come in your pants'

[husaberg]

Wife gets naked and asks hubby:

"What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

The husband looks her up and down and replies:

"Your sense of humour"

[husaberg]

Little boy asks - "mom, where do babies come from?"
Mom says - "the stork brings them dear"
The little boy looks back puzzled and says "then who fucks the stork?"

[husaberg]

What do you do if a kitten spits at you?
Turn the grill down.

[Juniper]

Best way to get gum out of your hair?

Cancer

[Juniper]

GHOST SHIT: The kind where you feel the shit come out, but there is no shit in the toilet.

CLEAN SHIT: The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET SHIT: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.

SECOND WAVE SHIT: This happens when you're done shitting and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to shit some more.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD SHIT: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG SHIT: The kind that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY SHIT: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.

DRINKER'S SHIT: The kind you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN SHIT: Self explanatory.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-SHIT SHIT: The kind where you want to shit but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP SHIT: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS SHIT (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

THE DANGLING SHIT: This shit refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

THE SURPRISE SHIT: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but oops --- a turd!

[husaberg]

How do you rape a camel?
One hump at a time

What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off

What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

What's the difference between a hair stylist and a nail stylist?
One does hand jobs and one does blow jobs!

What is the leading cause in death with lesbians?
Hairballs.

What do you call a bunny with a bent dick?
FUCKS FUNNY

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
I want you inside me!

How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100?
Pull some strings.

[husaberg]

This stuff is most excellent............esp the last

[husaberg]

some more...

[husaberg]

Kim Kardashian's baby is the the second thing that her vagina has given birth to.
The first was her career.

Pregnant Kim Kardashian moaned in a magazine, "Nothing looks good on me"
I disagree. A grand piano dropped from a considerable height would

My missus once baked a cake so dark and rich that one of the Kardashians wanted to marry it.

I really have no idea what a Kardashian is but,
From what I can gather, it's an exercise bike for black guys.

In an interview, Kim Kardashian has stated that if she were a man, she would want to have sex with Kim Kardashian.
Well she may not be a man, but she can go fuck herself anyway.

I'll be honest, the only time I'd ever want to be 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians' would be if I was chasing them
With an axe.

Kim Kardashian's father was most famous as being one of OJ Simpson's lawyers.
Which began the family tradition of getting black men off.

I think it's about time we truly honoured Kim Kardashian
By naming a sexually transmitted disease after her.

I'd love to see Kim Kardashian topless.
Unfortunately I don't own a guillotine.

So, I hear Kim Kardashian is leaving 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians' after the 9th series.
I wonder if they're going to kill her off??

My mate tried keeping up with the Kardashians, but now it burns when she pees.

I hear Kim Kardashian's got a baldy fanny.
Well, grass doesn't grow on a busy road.

I guess it's just a coincidence that Kardashian is an anagram for 'A kinda rash'

[husaberg]

Whats the difference between peter Andre and the Isreali army??
The Isreali army knew when to pull out of jordan.

[husaberg]

A female friend/work colleague hit the name on the head for me today i mentioned i wasn't having much luck with the ladies lately.
I said it seems been forever since i went on a date.... Like ffs 18 years....
My mate shot straight from the hip and nailed it when she said that bitch wife of yours must gone and friend zoned me.
I thought for a moment..... and you know what, she was bloody right.
That cunning cow i have been with for 18 years has managed to go and bloody friend zone me.
it was so subtle and i bet highly calculated, sneaky bitch;)
How can a guy win the battle of the sex's when they are that bloody clever and ruthless.......
talk about playing the long game........

[gjm]

Got stopped in the street outside a pharmacy today, by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?"

She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".

[Robert Taylor]

Hone Harawira

[haydes55]

Hone Harawira





That's racist!

[ducatilover]

That's racist!

Some of my favourite niggers are black.

[Bald Eagle]

Mana dotcom party

Sent from my LG-P768 using Tapatalk

[Robert Taylor]

That's racist!

Does it look like I care about that?

Lets add to it.......

Russell Norman

[husaberg]

Asset sales so us kiwis can get an opportunity to buy something we already own :msn-wink:

[husaberg]

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends:rolleyes:

[husaberg]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?


A stick.

[ducatilover]

Russell Norman

I was going to say you just lost a lot of KB business. But no-one here owns bikes, so you're fine :lol:



I'd fuck Russel Norman.


With a gun.

[YellowDog]

http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb93/andwend/wank_zps313bc021.jpeg

[husaberg]

1 in 4 people suffer from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.............

Kim K.......I've got a soft spot for her – a swamp at the bottom of my garden.

The kardasians............ The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Jehovah's Witnesses will not participation in Halloween trick or treating. I don't know if it's part of their religion. I guess they just don't like it when strangers knock on their doors and disturb them.

Why do they lock gas station bathroom? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

I told a girl she drew her eyebrows on too high; she looked pretty surprised.

Snooki has a nice head on her shoulders, but it would look better on her neck.

[gjm]

I found my first grey pubic hair today.

That's the last time I eat one of my grandmas cakes...

[caspernz]

The international community is getting behind the search for the Nigerian schoolgirls.

The English are sending SAS, the Americans are sending Marines, and Aussie are contributing too...so they're sending Rolf Harris ;)

[husaberg]

Is there no end to Rolf Harris’s musical talents? Hit songwriter, singer, virtuoso on didgeridoo and wobble-board, and now we find out he’s also an expert fiddler

I don't know why everyone's having a go at Rolf Harris, he's a lovely bloke, he taught me the proper to blow on a digirydo.
Although I don't know why we were in a dark closet, And they're smaller than they look.


What's the difference between Gary Glitter and a popular Australian entertainer who has been charged with child sex offences but who has yet to be found guilty of anything?

I haven't sucked Gary Glitter's cock.

[husaberg]

My wife says I know how to push all her buttons. But I have yet to find the 'Mute' button.


I always pay my alimony on time, because if I ever fall behind, I'm afraid she might repossess me.



I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

[granstar]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/t1.0-9/10325217_620365704725539_6004985539309956234_n.png

[husaberg]

When embarking on a polar expedition, choose your companions carefully – you may have to eat them.

Are subliminal { send me money } messages effective?

My daughter wanted some trainers. I said, you’re eleven. Go to Taiwan and make some.

You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.

The difference between friendship and love is how much you can hurt each other.

You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat then she's probably slightly upset.

Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.

If her lips are on fire and she trembles in your arms, forget her. She's got malaria.

A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for our the local pool. I gave him a glass of water.

My girlfriend says that I've got the body of a bloke half my age. Which would be a nice compliment if I wasn't 22.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

I was given the sack at work today. Well that's what happens when your a postman.

A man walks into a bar – ouch – it was an iron bar.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? I Dunnop. I dunnop who? Phew, I thought there was a smell!

I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub. He seemed like a decent feller.

My teacher said I was average, I told him that's just mean.

[husaberg]

...............................

[husaberg]

A guy walks into a truck stop with a stunned look on his face. He makes
his way to the counter and sits down. The waitress comes over and asks,
"Can I help you?" the man just sits there with a blank stare on his
face, then he spits and says, "Mother Fucker sure can drive!"
Well, the waitress is offended by this and leaves. She comes back about
10 minutes later and asks again, "Can I help you now?"
The man replies by spitting and saying, "Mother Fucker sure can drive!"

The waitress storms off and gets the manager. The manager comes up to
the guy, grabs him by his collar and says, "What seems to be the problem
here?" The man spits and says, "Mother Fucker sure can drive!"
The manager tells him, "look this is a nice, respectable place, maybe if
you could explain, who can drive and what you are talking about, I won't
have to throw you out."
The man looks up at the manager and says, "Well, I was in my 18 wheeler
and I had this nineteen year old green horn kid driving, we were coming
down the old mountain road, when I saw this traffic jam down in front of
us-so I told the kid, if you can get us out of this alive I'll suck your
dick!--*SPIT*--AND THAT MOTHER FUCKER SURE CAN DRIVE!!"

[husaberg]

When I asked her to the prom...She just looked at me, giggled and
smiled. When I asked her to dance...She just looked at me, giggled
and smiled. When I asked her to move in with me...She just looked at
me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to kiss me...She just looked
at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to make love to me...She
just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked for her hand in
marriage...She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her
to bear my children...She just looked at me, giggled and smiled.

That's when I realized she was a Retard.

[husaberg]

A young girl sat on Santa's knee. He said, "What would you like for
Christmas, little girl?"

"Some hairs on my pee-pee place," she replied.

"Do you mind if they're white ones?" asked Santa....

[husaberg]

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought
his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out
on the counter.

She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she
said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance
money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that
blow job I promised you? Here it comes..."

[husaberg]

Q: What did the necrophiliac pedophile say when he couldn't come in to work?
A: I'm sorry, I'm feeling a little stiff.

[Big Dog]

If iRobot, the manufacturers of the Roomba automated home vacuum system, made a nano version for performing abortions would it be called a Woomba?


Stupid phone / Tapatalk, apologies in advance.

[husaberg]

A priest walking through a park notices little Johnny, who is pouring fluid on an
assortment of small rodents, then striking a match and watching them burn.
"What are you pouring on those mice, my son?" The priest asks little Johnny
"It's a mixture of acid and petrol." Little Johnny says with a smile.
"I think you would be better using a few drops of holy water, then let them
run away." The priest says, hoping to stop little Johnny's morbid hobby.
"Oh yea what does it do?" Little Johnny says looking the priest in the eyes.
"Well, I placed a couple of drops on a lady with a large tummy and she
passed a baby. The priest replies with all sincerity.
"Big fuckin' deal," say's little Johnny with a sneer, "I put 2 drops of my
stuff on a rats arse and it passed a fucking Motor Bike."




God decided he needed a vacation. One of his aides suggested Venus.
"Forget it," God said. "I went there 10,000 years ago and got sunburned.
Another aide suggested Jupiter. "No way," God replied. "I went there
5,000 years ago and froze my arse off". A third advisor suggested Earth.
"That's the worst," God answered angrily. "I was there 2,000 years ago and
they're still accusing me of knocking up some stupid Jewish bitch!"




A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full
and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with
both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running
her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is
there anything I can do?"
"Well, as a matter of fact there s. I need you to give him a message"
she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and
allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper
in the ladies room."



A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years
of marriage. After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into
a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers. She went home,
tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to
go with it.
She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from
him after she prepares him a drink.
She slowly spread her legs, and in a husky come fuck me voice say's
"Honey, would you like some of this?"
The husband looks between his aging wife's legs and lets out his breath,
looking up at his doting wife replies, "HELL, NO! Look what its done to
your fuckin' underwear."

[husaberg]

One day a homo dentist goes to another homo dentist to get some
dental work.
The tooth fairy says to the other one sitting in the chair: "You know, you
have the whitest teeth I've ever come across."

Mick was sitting at the pub telling his mate Harry about a disturbing thing that
happened the night before.
"Last night I came home from the pub pissed as a tick, so I hopped into bed and
started feeling up me missus. After a few strokes of her firm arse she got aroused
and then we fucked like bunnies for about two hours.
Like I do every time after a fuck, I leaned over and turned on the light, lit up two
cigarettes and went to pass one to the trouble 'n' strife. Rubbing me weary eyes I
realized that I'd accidentally walked into my eight year olds daughter's room by,
and worse still she was on the swimming team and didn't smoke.


A drunk takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty so he
ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple
of beers.
After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar.
"Whose dog is tied up out front?"
The drunk responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?"
"Well she's in heat," says the cop."
"Oh, she'll be all right. It's shady out there."
"That's not what I mean. Your dog needs to be bred."
"I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She's fine."
At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. "Listen buddy! You don't
seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog wants to mate."
"Oh, go right ahead officer, I've always wanted a police dog."

[husaberg]

Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.

"I've got a beaut cure for a headache," said his mate Trev. "Whenever I have a headache
I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails."

A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Trev. "Yeah said Phil, worked great! Your house is nice, too!"




A bloke down on his luck, was reduced to catching the bus.

One day a beautiful young nun boarded the bus and sat down in front of him. She was
such a babe he kept leaning forward to perve on her. Finally, he could control himself no
longer. Leaning forward, he whispered quietly in her ear, "I'd like to fuck you up the arse."
With a gasp of shock the nun jumped to her feet, rang the bell and got off the bus.

A couple of stops later, the bloke was getting off when the driver said, "Hey, what did you
say to that nun?"

"Well, to be honest," said the bloke, "she looked so damn good I said I'd like to fuck her
up the arse."

"Shit, no wonder she got off. She's very religious and you shoulda asked her in a more
devout way. As a matter of fact, she goes through the park down the road every night at
about 7.30. Why don't you go there and try a different approach.

The bloke had long hair and a beard, so he got himself a robe and waited in the park for
her to come by.

Sure enough, around 7.30, the nun appeared on her way to the convent. Leaping out of the
bushes, the bloke shouted, "Hey nun, I'm Jesus, come to fuck you up the arse!"

"No worries, Jesus," said the nun and she bent over and hoisted up her habit.

After the bloke had done the deed, remorse set in and he said rather sheepishly, "I'm not
really Jesus."

"That's okay," came the reply. "I'm not really the nun. I'm the bus driver."



Mum walked into the bathroom one day and found
young Johnny furiously scrubbing his dick with a
toothbrush and toothpaste.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, young
man?!" she exclaimed.
"Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna
do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm
gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my
sister's."

[husaberg]

This guy was on a hot date, and after well and truly fucking this
sweet thing, she turned to the guy and said,
"Wasn't it a bit presumptuous to think I would let you fuck me on
the first date?"
To which the bloke responded, "Presumptuous, now that's a big word
for a first grader!"


Two vomits are walking down the street when
one of them starts crying.
"What's wrong?" asks the other vomit.
"Ooh, this is the neighborhood I was brought up in"


Joe walked in the door after work and announced his arrival
"I'm upstairs taking a douche," his wife called out.
"I thought I told you never to talk like that," Joe said.
"What do you want?" his wife replied. "Good grammar or good taste?"

A deaf - mute nervously approached the chemist
shop counter to buy some condoms.
He opened his fly, placed his cock on the counter,
pointed to it and laid $5 next to it.
With an understanding nod, the pharmacist whipped
out his cock, laid it beside the other man's, grinned
in triumph, took the cash and walked away.



A bloke comes home to find that his wife is packing her
suitcase. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm leaving you" she sobbed. "I heard that you are a paedophile".
"Hell", he said. "That's a big word for a five year old".

[gjm]

My missus is pissed off at me again.

Last night while she was asleep, I gently removed her tampon and replaced it with a party popper.

She's got no sense of humour...

[husaberg]

One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to
Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander
steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot four
and built like a brick shithouse. He has a huge red beard and despite
the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his
kilt and a tweed shirt.
At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is absolutely
gorgeous, she's slim, shapely, with a fair complexion. A real heart stopper.
The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the
highlander opens his car door and drags him from the seat onto the road.
Right, yew" he shouts, "I want yew to masturbate",
"but…," stammers the driver,
"Now..., or I'll bloody kill yew"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and
starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this only
takes a few seconds.
"Right" says the highlander "Do it again!"
"but…," says the driver.
"Now!" yelled the irate highlander.
So the driver does it again.
"Right, do it again!" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both
arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, he
collapsed in a sweating gibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk.
"Do it again!" says the highlander.
"I just can't anymore, you'll just have to kill me," whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside.
"Aie right laddie" he says, "Now yew can gimme daughter a lift to Inverness".


A married guy is hanging his head.
His wife Says, "Honey, how come you are hanging your head, after all,
it's our 15th wedding anniversary.
Husband Says well honey, I was just thinking back 15 years ago when I
committed that crime, and your father the judge said, "Son, you can spend
15 years at hard labour or marry my daughter". And you know honey, I was
just thinking: I'd be out today"



Two cannibals, a father and son, were out trying to get
something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and
waited by a path.
Before long, along came a little old man.
The son said, "Oh Dad, there's one." "No", said the father.
"There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs.
We'll just wait." A little while later, along came a really fat man.
The son said, "Hey dad, he's big enough." "No", the father said.
"We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one Dad, let's eat her."
"No", said the father. "Were not going to eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive,
and eat your mother".



A man called into work sick.
"I can't come into today. I'm really, really sick. I've been in bed all day."
He says to his boss
"What! Are you totally crazy? This is the day we are meeting with
our most important account!" Yells the angered boss into the receiver.
"Sorry boss, I'm Really sick!." The guy says to his boss
"Just how sick can one man be, when the future with this company is on the line?"
asks the furious boss.
"Well for starters, right now I'm fucking my 5 year old daughter!"



The bloke asked his date, "What do you think of anal sex?"
"Ugh," the girl exclaimed. "I couldn't let anyone stick their prick
up my back passage unless I was totally drunk."
"The whiskey's in the top left cabinet," the bloke said.



Two perfect strangers were talking to each other in the pub. One of them
said, "If you were to wake up in the woods with vaseline smeared all over
your arse, would you tell anyone?" The other one said, "Of course not!"
The first bloke said, "Oh, then would you like to go camping?"

[husaberg]

There's this bloke who's looking for a root, so he goes down to the local to
see if there are any women that he could score with. When he got there, he
noticed that there wasn't even one lady in the bar, and he was just about to
leave, when a wheelchair comes through the door. There's a girl in it so he
goes over to her and says, "G'day!"
He hints to her that he's after a bit of genital exercise so she tells him he can
take her home if he wants.
After a couple of drinks they leave. He wheels her down the road till they
come to a paddock. He says to her.
"You don't mind if I take a shortcut across the paddock do you?"
She tells him that's okay.
Halfway across the paddock she says, "See that fence, well I live just behind it,
so why don't you just prop me up on the fence, go for it, then take me home?"
So the guy does.
When he gets to her house, her father answers the door. He's a really big man but
very friendly. He asks the guy in for a beer.
The guy gets to wondering why the father is being so nice, so he says, "Look, I just
had my way with your daughter and you're not mad."
The father raises himself up and looks the guy in the eyes, "You're welcome here
any time - all the other guys leave her on the fence!"

[husaberg]

An old bloke went to his doctor and said, "I've got this toilet problem, doc."
"Well," said the doctor, "How's your urination?"
"Every morning at seven o'clock - like a baby," replied the old bloke."
"Good," said the doctor. "How about your bowel movements?"
"Eight o'clock each morning - like clockwork," answered the old bloke.
"So what's the problem?" the doctor asked perplexed.
"Well," the old bloke explained, "I don't get up until nine!"

[husaberg]

An Italian butcher lived in a flat over his shop. One night he was woken by strange
noises coming from the shop?
He tiptoed downstairs and there he saw his 24-year-old daughter masturbating with
a huge salami.
He sighed to himself and went back to bed.
The next day a customer walked in the butcher's shop and asked the butcher for
some salami.
"I'm sorry, I don't have any," the butcher explained.
"But what's that hanging up on that hook over there?" she cried.
"That, lady," he said, "is my son-in-law!"

[husaberg]

This bloke picks up a hooker and goes up to her room, peels all her clothes off,
lays her down on the bed then proceeds eagerly to eat her out. At one stage he
stuck his tongue in to the hilt and suddenly pulled his face out of her cunt and spat
a bit of cabbage into his hand. He started at it for a few seconds, shrugged his
shoulders and thought "What the fuck, not that strange," and went right back to
the task at mouth.
Well he brought her off several times as well as himself. A couple more times he
repeated the tongue right in bit and again was rewarded with the odd bit of refuse.
As he was leaving, out of sheer curiosity he turned around and asked her, "Hey,
have you been sick lately?"
She said, "No, but the fellas before you were!"

[husaberg]

Around lunchtime Sheryl left school and headed for home, crying because
her first period had started and she had no idea what it was.
The girl's teacher was reluctant to get involved, so she suggested Sheryl talk
to her mum.
She was walking home when she ran into little Johnny.
"Why are you crying? Asked little Johnny.
"I'm crying because I'm bleeding," she replied.
"Give me a look," said little Johnny.
She lifted her skirt and showed him.
"Fuckin' hell!" said little Johnny. "No wonder you're bleeding - some bastard's
cut off your cock!"

[husaberg]

Little Johnny was in his math's class one day when the teacher singled him out.
"If I gave you $20," the teacher began," and you gave $5 to Mary, $5 to Sally
and $5 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy," Johnny answered.

[husaberg]

The doctor said to the housewife, "I've got good news and I've got bad news.
The good news is you don't have PMS. The bad news is - you're a bitch!"

[gjm]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/t1.0-9/281923_10152185026210689_1337418892791559459_n.jpg

[caspernz]

Malaysia Airlines is now the preferred carrier for mother in laws.

They'll either lose her, blow her up, or you'll get your money back...

[husaberg]

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman
who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his
hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately,
the executive found himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the
bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair
curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through
a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection.
Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of
a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"

[JakeTehMuss]

I just bought a Malaysian airlines model plane kit.

I was disappointed when I opened the box and saw all the pieces and realised someone had already made it.

...............................
I keep trying to make jokes about Malaysian airlines but the first one got no response and the second one crashed and burned.

[Juniper]

A young boy was sitting on his grandfather's lap watching him smoke a cigar, he asked his grandfather.
"Can i try your cigar granddad?"
The grandfather replies. "Does you dick touch your asshole?"
To which the little boy replies. "No it doesn't"
"Then you can't try my cigar."
The next day the little boy sees his grandfather drinking a beer, going up to him he asked.
"Can i try your beer granddad?"
'Does you dick touch your asshole?" Asked the grandfather.
Again the boy says no.
"Then you cannot try my beer."
Later granddad sees the little boy eating some cookies.
"Can I have a cookies?" Asked the grandfather.
"Does your dick touch your asshole?" Asked the little boy.
"Yes it does." Replies the grandfather.
"Then go fuck yourself grandfather because you aren't getting a cookie."

[Juniper]

Years ago had a teacher called mr glasscock

You could always see him cumming

[Juniper]

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation,
Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy.. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

[sil3nt]

Who are the fastest readers in the world?
The 9/11 victims, they went through 100 stories in 15 seconds.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff?
The found her head n shoulders in the glove box.

[husaberg]

SAFE SEX TIPS

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a
matter of life or death. Here are some valuable tips
to help you "play it safe":

* Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens
for cash, then buy the crack directly.

* Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay;
resultant loss of erection will prevent potential
unsafe sex.

* Wash hands thoroughly before fisting goat.

* Under no circumstances should you give CPR to a stranger.

* Avoid dipping penis in buckets of AIDS-infected blood.

* Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in
the clergy from harm."

* Pull out cat's teeth before pouring gravy over vagina.

* Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow
anyone to get to third base with you.

* Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried
and scabbed over before use.

* When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an
equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of
CHI imbalance.

* Stock up on free safe-sex pamphlets at local health clinic;
use them to make paper-mache genital wrap.

* Before fellating anonymous man in back room of gay bar,
be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

* Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before
penetrating ape.

* You CAN get it from kissing -- tear out partner's tongue
before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

* To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

* Avoid talking to homosexuals at all costs.

* If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand
to hope for the best.