What's your sickest joke?

[husaberg]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZAxGOc1oTU

[gjm]

Has anyone else noticed how Homeopaths Without Borders aren't lining up to treat the ebola outbreak in Africa?

[husaberg]

Q: What do you do when your dishwasher breaks down?
A: Slap the bitch

Q: What's the best gift for a dead baby?
A: A dead puppy

Q: What is that black goo between elephants toes?
A: Slow moving natives

Q: What's worse than ten dead babies in one garbage can?
A: One dead baby in ten garbage cans

A young girl is speaking with her father.
"Daddy, what's that between your legs?"
"That's my hedgehog."
"Wow, it's got a massive cock."

A little girl asks her father, "where do little girls come from?"
The father says, "they come from a hard-on."
The little girl then asks her father, "where does a hard-on come from?"
The father says, "little girls!"

[gjm]

I took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep on the sofa..

I must have picked up her drink by mistake.

[husaberg]

https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/2264746240/h2C8DE316/
http://i.imgur.com/SidlHx4.png

[gjm]

What`s the difference between a woman and police speed trap?

With a woman you can see the twat behind the bush.

[husaberg]

stuffffffffffffffffff.......

[husaberg]

Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: Because they think we care.

Q: What is the difference between Love, True Love and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow and gargle.

Q: What do Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A: The same middle name.

Q: Why does Mike Tyson always have tears in his eyes when he's having sex?
A: Mace.

Q: What's yellow and sleeps alone?
A: Yoko Ono.

Q: What do peanut butter and prostitutes have in common?
A: They both spread for bread.

Q: How do Catholics separate the men from the boys?
A: With a crowbar.

Q: What's the definition of a complete and utter business failure?
A: A pregnant hooker.

Q: What's 14 inches long and has an arsehole behind it?
A: John Key's tie.

[haydes55]

What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps?

Michael Phelps can finish a race.

[husaberg]

A woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore.
So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she
would be "satisfied."
The woman, somewhat dubious, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night
they fucked better than ever before.
The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and an hour later they get stuck into it again.
This time with more passion than the night before.
The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in.
A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The woman's son answers
the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead,
My Sister is pregnant; my arsehole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling
'Here kitty, kitty.'"

[husaberg]

A man is walking by a church one Sunday, and sees a cute little five year old girl
sitting on the sidewalk, dressed up very nicely, playing with her dog.
The man asks, "What is your name little girl?" "Candy," says the little girl.
"They call me that because I like candy so much. And this is my dog Porky."
"They call him that because he likes pork so much?" the man wonders.
"No," she says. "They call him Porky because he likes to fuck pigs."

[husaberg]

A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit
home since starting university.
"Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."
"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later.
I just hope it was a romantic and a pleasurable experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty daughter remarked.
"The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."

[husaberg]

A young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole out during
confession, asks an older priest what he should give a cocksucker.
"Oh," says the older priest, "give the altar boy a dollar or so, if you feel like it.
Personally, I never give them more than fifty cents."

[husaberg]

Apologies in advance its pretty sick even by my standards look at your own risk
You have been warned
[R RATED]http://www.beheadingboredom.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/batman-shampoo-conditioner-gordon.jpg[/R RATED]

[husaberg]

don't look if you don't understand what a sick joke thread is..........

[husaberg]

...........................

[husaberg]

.....................

[husaberg]

....................

[husaberg]

........................

[gjm]

Landed in jail last week, and got buggered absolutely senseless.


'Uncle' John takes Monopoly very seriously...

[husaberg]

What is black and sits at the top of a set of stairs?
A quadriplegic in a house fire.

What’s black, crispy and comes on a stick?
Joan Of Ark.

What do a fur trapper and a necrophiliac have in common?
They are both looking for dead beaver

What did the teacher do for the girl who was having trouble with Sex Education?
Kept her after class and pounded it into her.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

[Robbo]

A shitty day at the sports track...

[gjm]

Jailbreak!

[Juniper]

"I used to have HERpes, now its OURpes".

[Juniper]

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He decides that he would like to wear a costume that conceals his slightly odd appearance, but can't think of any costumes that would look good and do the job. Out of ideas, he writes a email to a costume company explaining his issue. A few days later a package arrives with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is a terrible idea because they have emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head. So again he writes the company another nasty email of complaint.

The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

[Juniper]

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral
by the hospital he worked at for most of his life.

A huge heart ... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service
as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said,...
......
'I'm so sorry ... I was just thinking of my own funeral ...
I'm a gynaecologist!'

The priest fainted.....>>>>>

[Juniper]

What's black and white, and can't turn around in an elevator?

A penguin with a spear in it's back.

[Juniper]

This is a compilation of titles that most publishers won't touch. Only a few of these are my original creation. Please add your own to the list.

The first one is a real title:
Go the Fuck to Sleep
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1G17wQR3DL0

"Speak and I'll Punch You In The Gut" - a little book of manners

"Dexter's First Suspension"

"Dead Baby Animals" (collectors edition)

"Barfy, the Bulimic Bovine"

"The Bailout Tree"

"Nobody Else Poops"

"Little House on Stolen Land"

"The Boy Who Died From Eating Vegetables"

"50 Creative Ways to Hide Bruises From Your Friends and Teachers"

Bobby's First Strip Search

The Santa Claus Scam and Other Adult Lies

what really happened to the family dog

Fido and My Special place

Whats Inside Daddy's Pants and other Fun Bedtime Games

Build your own electric boat and other plug-in bathtub toys

Mommy's Part Time Job

Daddy's Little Black Book

The Monster in Your Closet Is Real

The Little Boy's Book About The Thing In Your Pants

The Little Girl's Book About the Thing In Boy's Pants

Daddy, And Mommy's Other Husbands

Daddy Has 3 Girlfriends, And Mommy Doesn't Know

The Child's Guide to Overriding Parental Settings on the Computer.

How to Find Cool Stuff Hidden by Mom and Dad.

The Child's Guide to Divorce: Using Guilt to Get Your Way and Lots of Swag

The Child's Guide to Remarriage: Manipulating Step Parents & Step Siblings

Know Your Rights: The Child's Guide to Law and Social Work, Revised edition with vocabulary and suggested art projects guaranteed to cause "concern."

The Little Sissy Who Snitched

Never Dial These Numbers

Little Tommy and Uncle Bruce Have a Special Secret

Mr. Rogers Died and Went to Hell

Jesus Loves You; Jesus Loves Mommy; Mommy Loves Your Sister

Strangers Have the Best Candy

Daddy Drinks and Cries Because You're Wicked

Mommy Beats You Because You Make Daddy Sad

You Were an Accident

Fun with Matches

Little Johnny's First Boarding School

The Good Children's Book of Keeping Secrets

Heather Had Five Mommies before She Lost Track

Nice Things Rich Kids Have but You Never Will

[Juniper]

A man and woman are walking down the street. He looks at her and says, "You know, I would like a little pussy". She looks at him and says, "Me too, mines as big as a bucket".

[Juniper]

How can you tell you have a nasty overbite? When you're eating pussy and it tastes like shit.

[Juniper]

So Steve has been having lousy luck with the ladies lately and decides to expand his age range out to include "breathing'. Eventually he meets an older woman, okay not older, ancient would be a better description.

So eventually he and his older lover decide to consummate their blooming relation. He takes his lover and lays her down on the bed, and starts to suck her breast and he tastes liquid. That is when he looks at her and says, "Damn baby, didn't know an old woman like you could still produce milk."

She looks down at him and says, "Sonny, I'm too old for milk, but I'm not old enough for cancer."

[Juniper]

Q: What's the leading cause of pedophilia? A: Sexy children.

[husaberg]

http://www.quickmeme.com/img/33/33b4851b64fa0becfedeac9a6491507ff6649271d9dbbc62fb 464b1cf3b08a9f.jpg

[Juniper]

A stage hypnotist who was down on his luck finally got a paid booking - at the local retirement home. He knew, since his audience was an older crowd, that they would buy into old hypnosis stereotypes like the 'look into my eyes' crap, spirals, etcetra.

One of the favorite props he used in his act was a beautiful ornate solid gold watch that he had inherited from his grandfather. It was his most prized and valued personal possession, and brought back many wonderful memories of the kindly old gent.

As he lifted the watch and began to spin it and hypnotize his elderly volunteers putting them (and a good portion of the audience) in a fairly deep trance, the watch chain suddenly snapped and his beautiful pocketwatch smashed into a hundred pieces as it crashed onto the hard polished stage.... gears and springs went flying every which way and the crystal smashed into tiny fragments.

In absolute shock, before he could think about what he was doing, he released a string of expletives into his highly amplified microphone: FUCKKKKK!!! SHIIIIITTTTT!!! ASS-FUCKING COCKSUCKER!!!!!!

It took weeks to clean up the place... the stink and the mess... there were a lot of very happy, but exhausted geriatrics there that evening, however... (and for some weird reason.. he never got a return engagement!!!!)

[husaberg]

There were these three morticians talking about their greatest feats. The first one says, "I had this soldier who stepped on a land mine.
Took me three days to get him ready for an open casket funeral!!"

The next guy says, "oh yeah? I had this construction worker fall 15 stories, then he got run over by a steam roller, but I had him
ready for an open casket funeral in two days!!!"

The third guy sulks in the corner, "man. both y'all got me beat. I had this lady parachutist who landed on the empire state building.
It took me four days just to get the grin off her face

[husaberg]

This farmer had really bad sexual perversions that always got him into trouble . He loved to fuck chickens .
His first wife said to him , "Do you feel like chicken tonight." ...
How did you find out that I fuck chickens ... she ended the marriage .

He then started secretly fucking Cows and remarried .
His second wife said , "Do you feel like steak tonight" ... How did you find out that I've been fucking the cows .... she left him .

He decides he's getting older and he's always getting caught he'd better get more domestic .
He moves to the city and starts secretly fucking a household cat .
He remarries for a 3rd time and his wife says , "Honey , do you feel like eating my pussy tonight " ...
He said , "You're sick!"

[cc rider]

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland. One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly.. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound upon top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.'

The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'



:innocent::innocent::innocent:

[Juniper]

The old farmer sat in the bar nursing a beer muttering to himself "Some things you just can't explain." "How's that?" asked the bartender.
"Oh i was just thinking, some things you just can't explain."
"I'm not sure I understand", said the bartender.
"The farmer replied "This morning I went to milk Ol Bessie. She kicked me with her left back leg. So I took some rope and tied it to the left side of her pen. Some things you just can't explain."
The bartender said "OK that was an easy fix." The farmer said, "No you don't understand! She then kicked me with her right back leg, so i tied that leg to the right side of her pen. Some things you just can't explain."
The bartender replied "Well with both legs tied you seemed to have fixed everything."
The farmer told him, "NO, then she swatted my face hard with her tail. So I took off my belt, threw it over the rafters and tied up her tail. Just then, my pants fell down, and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain!"

[Juniper]

there's 3 vampires and one night they decide to go for a drink. as it happens a new place opened up somewhere and that's where they head. the first one walks in and up to the bar, and he orders a pint of A-. the bartender gives him a fresh pint of A-. the second one orders a pint of O+. the bartender gives him a fresh pint of O+. and then the third one walks up to the bartender and he says; "could i get a pint of hot water, please?" the other two vampires and the bartender all look at him with this strange look, but he gets his hot water.
the third vampire takes out this plastic bag from his pocket, pulls out a used tampon and throws it in the glass, while he looks at them and goes: "what?! you guys never heard of tea?"

[Juniper]

a pretty girl walks into a pub on the top floor of a large skyscraper.
the place is empty, except for this one guy, sitting at the bar and the bartender. she figures he looks nice enough and she walks up to him and asks: "what are you drinking, handsome?" the guy looks up from his glass and tells her: "this... is a magical drink." the girl tells him that's bull-shit, so the guy says to her: "ok, don't believe me? i'll prove it!!" he takes a drink from his glass, walks up to the window, opens it, jumps out and he comes flying in through a different window. the girl can't believe her eyes... she turns to the bartender and says: "i'll have what he's having!!" the bartender serves her the drink, she takes a big sip, walks up to the window, jumps out, and crashes 85 stories below on the pavement... splash... dead...

the bartender, who saw it all go down, turns to the guy at the bar and says: "Superman, you're such an asshole when you're drunk!!"

[Juniper]

A white woman and a black man are dancing at a club, and after a while things start to get hot and heavy. After some heavy kissing and petting, the woman makes the suggestion that they return to her apartment for the night.

When the couple arrives at the woman's apartment, they begin passionately kissing and undressing each other, preparing to have frenzied and unrepentant sex with each other.

However, the white woman, curious as she was, asked the black guy as he was taking off his pants, "before you take them off....is it true what they say about black guys?"

With a suave yet sinister look, he looked into her eyes and said "baby, of course." He then proceeded to stab her and ran out with her purse.

-What's the useless skin around a vagina called? The woman.

-How do you keep an Indian out of your back yard? Move the trash cans to the front.

-If a black guy, a Mexican, and a redneck are all in a car together, who's driving? The police.

-What's the best thing about a blow job? Ten minutes of silence.

-Why do men have a hole in their penis? So they can get air to their brain.

-What's better than winning gold at the Paralympics?
Walking.

-What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench
The NBA

-What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man? The PGA Tour.

[Juniper]

If my jokes offend you...


1. I am really very sorry.

2. I will tone it down.

3. 1 & 2 are lies.

4. You're a cunt.

:lol::innocent::bleh:

[Juniper]

Sometimes it seems like even dogs are treated better than me.

For example, when mine got one dog pregnant then went and shagged another one, everybody laughed about it. But when my wife was pregnant and I got caught doing exactly the same thing, I was charged with bestiality.

[husaberg]

What does a 14 year old girl from Gore say after the first time that she has sex?
Get off of me Dad you're crushing my cigarettes..

What is the difference between a woman and a donkey?
Nothing, you can ride them both!

How do you piss your girlfriend of when your having sex?
You phone her up.

What's the best thing about a blowjob?
Ten minutes of silence.

What's dangerous and eats nuts?
Syphilis.

What are the first symptom of AIDS?
A pounding sensation in the arse.

[Juniper]

Q: What does a blow job from your Granny have in common with bungee jumping?

A: They both feel great but for Christ's sake don't look down!
.................................................. .................................................. ...........................

Q: How do you know if your girlfriend is turned on by you?

A: When you reach down her panties it feels like you are feeding a horse.
.................................................. .................................................. ...........................

A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.

The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."

The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."

[unstuck]

What does a 14 year old girl from Gore say after the first time that she has sex?
Get off of me Dad you're crushing my cigarettes..



Pfffft, wrong. Most of them are pregnant and not living at home by then. :whistle:

[Banditbandit]

Pfffft, wrong. Most of them are pregnant and not living at home by then. :whistle:

And whose fault is that then !!!!

It's all shits and giggles until someone gets pregnant

[unstuck]

And whose fault is that then !!!!

It's all shits and giggles until someone gets pregnant

I blame it on society's bullshit acceptance of alcohol abuse, and parental apathy.:whistle:

[haydes55]

And whose fault is that then !!!!

It's all shits and giggles until someone gets pregnant


I blame it on sexy daughters.

[husaberg]

http://rs1img.memecdn.com/bad-joke-fish_fb_2349093.jpg

[Juniper]

In Sunday school, Sister Mary asked the class: "What part of the body goes to heaven first?"

In the back of the class, nasty Billy waved his hand frantically, but Sister Mary, suspecting a wrong answer, turned to another child. "Yes, Susan?"

"The heart goes to heaven first because that's where God's love lives."

"Excellent," said Sister Mary, "and you, Charlotte?"

"The soul, Sister Mary, because that's the part that lives beyond death."

"Very good, Charlotte," said the Sister, as she noticed Billy's hand still waving in desperation."

"OK, Billy, what do you think?"

"It's the feet that go first, Sister, the feet."

"That's a strange answer Billy. Why the feet?"

Billy answered, "Because I saw my mom with her feet up in the air, shouting, 'God, I'm coming, I'm coming!'"

[Juniper]

What do you call someone with HIV in a wheelchair?

Rollaids

[husaberg]

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a zoophiliac and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophiliac.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it?" says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it?" shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again?" said the necrophiliac.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it?" said the pyromaniac.

There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

[husaberg]

how is your first car like anal sex?

You don't really want it, but Dad is giving it to you anyways.

[husaberg]

What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich? I don't fuck my sandwich before I eat it.




Three men are driving down the highway when their car breaks down. Pissed off, broke, and in the middle of nowhere, they start walking for help.

After several hours, they come across a building with a sign that read "Can you beat a world record? Prove it for $500".

The first guy thinks for a few minutes and says, "We're pretty strapped for cash... Can either of you do it?".

The second guy thinks about it for a few seconds and says, "You know what? My nose is pretty big, maybe it's the biggest in the world." and then heads inside. A few minutes later, he comes out with the cash in his hand.

The third guys sees this and says, "My hands are pretty big. Maybe they're the biggest in the world." and heads inside. Sure enough, he comes back with $500.

The first guy begins anxiously pacing and says, "Guys, I'm kind of embarrassed about this but my dick is really small. Maybe it's the smallest in the world." and heads inside.

After an hour, he finally comes back out and looks Pissed. He walks up to his friends and says, "Fuck, I didn't get the money and that was embarrassing. But who the fuck is akzle

[Juniper]

A teen aged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

[Juniper]

With all the problems in Ferguson and all over makes one wonder....

WHY DIDN'T WE PICK THE COTTON OURSELVES??????

[Juniper]

What do you get when a lesbian has sex with a draft-dodging rapist?
Chelsea Clinton

Why did Hillary Clinton get kicked out of the Girl Scouts?
For eating Brownies.

[Juniper]

A loser is having a hard time picking up chicks, so his well traveled friend takes him to a nightclub in Daytona where he tells him that he will score for sure. The loser enters the bar, sees his prey, and begins to barrage her with pick up lines that he acquired from his friend. The young lady continues to ignore him but finally gives in. She says " OK, I’ll spend the night with you, but I’ve got to let you know up front that I’m on my menstrual cycle. The loser looks at her and says " That’s OK. I’ll follow you on my Moped.

[Juniper]

Carols for the psychotically challenged



SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?
DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ........ (better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

[Juniper]

It was Christmas Eve. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman's good fairy appeared in the room. The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: "Don't be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up." The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. "Wait!" she said. "Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!" So the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking. Eventually, she spoke: "First", she said, "I want to be very, very wealthy." Poof! Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime. The old woman looked around and smiled. She thought some more, and spoke again: "Next", she said, "I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18." Poof! The old woman disappeared. In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled. "Third", she said to the fairy, "I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!" Poof! The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince. He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then he gazed into her eyes and said: "Hah! Now you're really going to be sorry that you took me to the vet!"

Addendum: I don't know why this would matter, he still has a mouth and fingers!

[Juniper]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs 2 bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees 3 nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how lifelike he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser." To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times, but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells. "Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion too!"

[Juniper]

John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."
John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"
Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."
John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."

[Juniper]

statistics show that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

[husaberg]

Did you hear about the Gay magician?


He vanished with a poof.


Mommy, Mommy! Can I have tomato soup!




Shut up son, you know we can only have it once a month.



Mommy, Mommy! Who will I stay with while you are gone?


Grandma Dear, now get in the coffin.


Mommy, Mommy! My bottoms sore!


Shut up son we need the money.


Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.



All right son, you can have another slice.


Daddy, Daddy! What is a paedophile?


Shut up son, and keep licking my balls.

[amberzfire]

Mommy, Mommy! Can I have tomato soup!


Shut up son, you know we can only have it once a month.





wtf :facepalm:

[Tazz]

wtf :facepalm:

Given the thread title, I don't know what you expected to find... :facepalm::bleh:

A vampire walks into a bar, 'pint of blood landlord' he says. The barman gives him his order.
A second vampire walks into the bar, 'pint of your finest blood please' he says. Again, the barman pours his order.
A third vampire walks into the bar and says 'a mug of hot water please barman'. The barman looks puzzled at the vampire, and asks- 'why the fuck do you want hot water for?'
The vampire answered- 'I found a used tampon and I'm making tea'.

[amberzfire]

Given the thread title, I don't know what you expected to find... :facepalm::bleh:

A vampire walks into a bar, 'pint of blood landlord' he says. The barman gives him his order.
A second vampire walks into the bar, 'pint of your finest blood please' he says. Again, the barman pours his order.
A third vampire walks into the bar and says 'a mug of hot water please barman'. The barman looks puzzled at the vampire, and asks- 'why the fuck do you want hot water for?'
The vampire answered- 'I found a used tampon and I'm making tea'.

:facepalm: lol .. accepted with grace.

[husaberg]

wtf :facepalm:



:facepalm: lol .. accepted with grace.

Someone never read the thread title did they:lol:

[amberzfire]

Someone never read the thread title did they:lol:

:o yes ... it just didn't register until the tomato soup

[husaberg]

:o yes ... it just didn't register until the tomato soup

but you had already read all junipers ones, I am but a mere amateur compared to that sick cat..........

[amberzfire]

but you had already read all junipers ones, I am but a mere amateur compared to that sick cat..........

and I laughed at junipers ones to .. lol not sure what happened there :bleh:

[husaberg]

and I laughed at jumipers ones to .. lol not sure what happened there :bleh:

Mommy, Mommy! What's an Oedipus complex?



Shut up son and keep humping!

[Berries]

:o yes ... it just didn't register until the tomato soup
Get a bit caught in the teeth did we?






Q. What have broccoli and anal sex got in common?
A. If you didn't like it as a kid you probably won't like it as a grown up.

[amberzfire]

Get a bit caught in the teeth did we?

Q. What have broccoli and anal sex got in common?
A. If you didn't like it as a kid you probably won't like it as a grown up.

Pretty much :(

[5150]

Sick Fucks..... Love your work ;)

[Juniper]

An alcoholic, a priest and a pedophile walk into a bar...
That's just the first guy.

[Juniper]

I was gonna make a joke...


about Princess Diana. But it would have crashed and burned.

[husaberg]

I was gonna make a joke...


about Princess Diana. But it would have crashed and burned.

When you start to be making lady Di jokes I can see where this thread will beheading ;)

[Juniper]

So there was this woman who had no legs and no arms. There was this guy who would always take care of her and she started to fall for him. She tells him, "you know I have never been on a date with anyone." So he takes he out by a lake and puts out a blanket and have a picnic date. Then she tells him, "I have never been kissed before." And to her surprise he leans over and starts making out with her. She starts to really love him and asks for some thing she has always wanted and says, "I have never been fucked before." so he picks her up and throws her into the lake and yells, "you're fucked now!"

[Juniper]

A priest is enjoying a nice stroll through the countryside on a sunny day. Walking by a pond, he hears a small voice crying "help me" "help me". He looks all around and eventually finds the source of the voice. There on a lily pad sits a young green frog. With big pleading eyes the frog looks at the priest and says "please help me". "How can I help you, little frog?" says the priest. "I am not really a frog" says the erm, frog. "I am a 9 year old boy who has been turned into a frog by his evil stepmother, who is a wicked witch." The priest scoops up the little frog and holds it in his hand. "So, what can I do to help you?" he says. "Well, says the frog. The only way to break the spell is if a kind and good man rescues me from the pond, takes me home, kisses me and snuggles up to me in his bed."
'That, your Honour, is the case for the defence.'

[Juniper]

I just got back from the A&E department. I had minor surgery. I had a mole removed from my penis. The doctor said all went well but, if I did that again he'd tell the RSPCA.

At the doctors surgery for a check up. Doctor said "I need a sample of your urine, faeces, sweat and semen."
I said "I need to get to work soon, can I just leave you my underpants?"

Angry man rushes past the receptionist and straight into the doctors surgery, smacks the doctor in the mouth and says "you just fucking watch it with my wife, you fucking pervert!" Doctor, dazed, says "but who is your wife?" Man replies "Mrs. Smithson and you told her she had a nice minge!" Doctor gets up off the floor and says "No Sir, I said she has acute angina!"

[Juniper]

Q. Why is Leutenant Uhuru brown?

A. Cos William Shat'ner.


And, of course, we all know why Mr Spock is like tiolet paper? They both fight Klingons. or They both wipe out Klingons circling Uranus.




Why is the Enterprise funny? Because it has a warped sense of humour.

[husaberg]

A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis. The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"

"Well, doc, I live in a trailer park, and from where I live, I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and she's built like a brickhouse.
She's so horny that every night, I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."

"And?" prompted the doctor.

"Well," said the man, "I felt this was a waste, so one day I got under her trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick.

"It was a great idea and everything was going real good, too. Then someone knocked at her door, and she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove!"

[husaberg]

http://funnytshirts.savatoons.com/images/groundwomen.gif:shutup:

[Juniper]

Whats the best thing about fucking twenty-two year olds? -- There's twenty of them.

Aside from that Mrs Kennedy, how was the parade?

Aside from that Mrs Lincoln, how was the play?

[Juniper]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? --Nothin, you already told her twice.

Why are women's feet so small? --So they can stand closer to the sink.

Did you hear about the woman that got run over by a motorcycle?--They're still trying to figure out how the damn thing got into the kitchen.

[Juniper]

Whats the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead black guy in the road? -- skid marks lead up to the dog

Whats the difference between a black guy and a large cheese pizza?--the pizza can feed a family of four

How do you starve a black guy? -- put his money under his work boots.

[Juniper]

When I worked at a public library some forty years ago, I helped a young teenager who was asking for information on “ejaculation.” I took him to the 612s and showed him books about the body, things a young man needs to know, etc. He seemed interested but I told him to come find me if the books didn’t contain exactly what he was looking for.

About twenty minutes later he came back and said they weren’t what he wanted. I queried what else he needed to know about ejaculation. He replied “You know, like when the pilot is flying the jet fighter and it is going to crash and so he ejaculates.”

[Juniper]

Q: A white guy, his white wife, and their twin sons are trapped in a burning building. Who dies first?
A: Who gives a shit?!

[Juniper]

Whats gross? --When a cheer leader does the splits and sticks to the floor.

Whats grosser than that? --She stands up and three floor boards come with her

Whats grosser than that? --When she peels the boards off and three class rings fall out.

Whats grosser than that? --Two of them are hers

[Juniper]

What do a bungee jumper and a gay guy have in common?
A: If the rubber breaks they are both in deep shit!
++++
This guy goes to the doctor after being constipated for two weeks. The doctor prescribes a heavy-duty laxative and tells him to take two when he gets home. The guy goes home to his fourth story apartment, pops two of the pills and lays down for a nap. When he awakens he finds that the laxative is so powerful that he has relieved two weeks worth of blockage all over the bed as he slept. Totally disgusted the man toils over what to do with the mess and finally decides to bundle up the sheets and pitch them out the window. About this time a wino comes walking along still hung-over from the night before and splat! The sheet lands Right Square on his head. After struggling for a few minutes the wino gets free of the sheet and as he's standing there looking at it, a policeman strolls up after seeing him wrestling with it. "What's going on here?" inquires the officer. "I'm not too sure," replies the wino "but I'm pretty sure I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"
+++++++++++
Two matadors, Juan and Jose, are checking out the bullfight crowd, looking for nice babes.
Suddenly, Juan says to Jose, "Look, and way up at the top of the stands, the Chiquita with her legs spread? A mucho hairy pussy, and she's not wearing any panties."
Jose looks and says, "Yes, she is. She is wearing black panties."
To settle it, they send Pancho, the boy who scoops up the bullshit, to go find out.
Pancho runs up the stairs, looks between the girl's legs, and lets out a loud, "Aye, caramba!"
He goes running back to Juan and Jose, and Juan says, "So, is it pussy or panties?"
Pancho says, "It is flies."

[Juniper]

++This would probably be me at WalMart, lol++

After landing my new job as a B & Q greeter - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, obese, hairy, mean-acting really ugly woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to B & Q."
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just thick?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone has been to bed with you twice.... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[Juniper]

John and Carol had been married for nine years, during which John became the dominant partner and grew used to talking to Carol however he wanted.
John would shout something like "BITCH! Get my fucking dinner on the table, NOW!", and Carol would meekly obey.
One day, however, after watching an "Oprah" show about female empowerment, Carol refused to follow an order from John, forcing him to put his foot down.
"Bitch!" He said. "I can't live with a woman that won't do as she's told, so I promise: if you don't straighten up, you won't be seein' me around here for a while!"
Well, Carol refused to budge on the issue, and , just as promised, didn't see John for the rest of the week.
But eventually, of course, the swelling went down, and she was able to see him just a tiny bit from one eye!

[Juniper]

Hear about the time Mohammed's wife called him a pedophile?

Mohammed responded "Pedophile is a pretty big word for a 9 year old!"

*********

Q. How do you get Mohammed's wife pregnant?

A. Dress her up as a 10-year old boy.

**********

So Marvel Comics will introduce a female Muslim superhero who can fly.

Which is handy, since she's not allowed to drive.

[Yow Ling]

308480

11 characters

[Juniper]

One day, I was walking down the road and I saw a black guy holding a T.V, and I was like "Damn! That looks like mine!", so I ran back all the way home and nope, lo and behold, it was still there, shining my shoes.

So the Oklahoma city basketball team is looking to change their name, they have an open press conference to take suggestions. One guy suggests the OKC Bombers.
Every gasps and mutters about how disrespectful and insensitive that is.
He says 'What's the matter? The New York Jets didn't change their name!

I was going to tell a joke about Jonestown, but the punchline is too long

A cannibal walks into the clearing his tribe uses for a toilet. He sees his best friend having a shit and crying his eyes out.
"What's wrong with you?" he asks.
His pal looks up at him with watery eyes and asys "I've just dumped my girlfriend."

Three friends conversation:
What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a small child? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.

Which is too bad since his kid was apparently a brilliant author. I hear he did something like 50 stories before he died

He only had 1 hit though.
My understanding was that he had a lot of momentum, but then just stopped.

[Juniper]

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.



Put up Ebola quarantine markers. That will buy you a couple of weeks peace.


I still like the sign: NOTE: Due to the rising cost of ammunition, we no longer fire warning shots.

Then, of course, there's this one:

This house protected by Smith and Wesson, not like the
anti-gun, lowlife liberal scum who lives next door ---->


I just have one sign:

Rabid dog, male. Beware the Bored kinky housewife.

[Akzle]

NOTE: Due to the rising cost of ammunition, we no longer fire warning shots.

Then, of course, there's this one:

This house protected by Smith and Wesson, not like the
anti-gun, lowlife liberal scum who lives next door ---->


http://www.smith-wesson.com/wcsstore/SmWesson2/upload/images/products/zoom_lg/360000731_lg.jpg

http://www.city-data.com/forum/attachments/san-antonio/69820d1287514130-home-owner-shoots-kills-intruder-home-protectedbyglock1.jpg

http://www.three-peaks.net/protected.jpg

[husaberg]

..............................

[eelracing]

The Pope was having a shower. Although he was very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he
needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy semen
flying through the air.
“Hold on a minute!” said the Pope, ”You can’t do that-you’ll destroy the reputation of the church!”
“This is my lottery win,” said the photographer. ” I’ll be financially secure for life with these photo’s!”

So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2 million.
The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.
Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said,
“That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?”
Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, “$2 million.”

“Two Million Dollars!” replied the housekeeper.
“They must of seen you coming!”

[gjm]

A 'wholesome' lass enters an adult shop & asks for a vibrator.

The assistant says: "Choose one from our extensive range on the wall up there."
She says "I'll take the red one."

The shop assistant replies: " Sorry love can you choose another one, that's the fire extinguisher."

So she said "How about the the tartan one with the white end?"

"Sorry love, thats' my Thermos flask."

[husaberg]

...................................

[Juniper]

What's the hardest thing an Alter Boy comes up against? The Priests

[Juniper]

When A U.S. sniper was asked what he feels when he shoots an al-Qaeda member by a reporter , the sniper thinks for a minute and replies: 'Recoil.'

[Juniper]

A young bogan Sydney couple have just named their baby girl Princess-Pea. Asked by a reporter on breakfast television about the reason for the name, the baby's mother (Sharnice) explained, "well ya see I'm a bit of a princess, and Bazz here loves eating peas, so we figured it kinda made sense". Asked by the reporter whether they would be continuing with the theme for their future babies, Sharnice replied "oh yeah, we're planning on calling our next one Anal Cum Slut Mega Whore-Pizza"

[caspernz]

Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

"The Isis group," she says.

"Why them," her father asks in shock?

Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot. And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."




"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of them."

[Akzle]

what's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?



you can't gargle sand

[Juniper]

I signed up to take part in a Pro Life bake sale this weekend. I'm going to sell cups of uncooked batter and insist that they're cupcakes.

[Juniper]

A rather awkward and shy father feared that he had left it all too late to have 'that talk' with his teenage son. Finally he summoned up the courage to sit him down one evening and broach the subject. "So you see son, the man takes his willy and sticks it into a womans pee pee". The son looked rather alarmed and cut his dad short. "Dad, why are you talking about womens pee? I'm not into urolagnia, but I do quite enjoy anal and DP's?"

[Juniper]

A disturbing new game amongst young white males in the USA is to put on blackface and walk around in public with their hands in the air. It's only a matter of time before one or more of these thrillseekers is shot dead by police.

[Juniper]

Ok so make a shopping list of five items (or less) that would make a cashier look at you with curiosity, horror, or maybe just take a step back...

Let me start things off................

Machete
Vick's Vapo Rub
12 Tennis balls
Jumper Cables
Meat Tenderizer
-------------------
Duct tape
lubricant
zip ties
hacksaw
garbage bags
------------------
Electric wire
Electrician's Gloves
Car battery
Gin-Su knives
A copy of Grey's Anatomy
------------------
Tampons
Habanero Sauce
Super Glue
Needles
Myriatic Acid
---------------
Condoms,
ky jelly,
baby oil,
duct tape,
rope
-----------------
Chloroform
Extra-large gauze pads
Scalpel
Wheelbarrow
Shovel
-------------------
A watermelon
Condoms
Ky Jelly
Ice pack
----------------------
Box of Dove chocolate,
Coloring Book, Condoms,
Match box,
knife.
----------------------
1,000 rounds of ammo
Package of Beef Jerky
A canteen
A Machete
A copy of the Koran
----------------
Condoms
ben-gay
rope
duct tape
tarp
-----------------
55 gallon metal drum
8 foot x 4inch pic pipe
20 foot of 1/2 inch chain
6 master locks
Shovel

[caspernz]

One thing about blokes from Scotland is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!

Jimmy MacDonald, a City Councillor from Glasgow, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT: "If hooking up one rag-head terrorist's testicles to a car battery gets the truth out of the lying little camel shagger and saves just one Scottish soldier’s life, then I have only three things to say:
Red is positive, black is negative and make sure his nuts are wet."

[gjm]

https://scontent-lax.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/10492370_10204002680572220_8958451686867498690_n.j pg?oh=a89ff1cd54a6adaf1550bec6699c703f&oe=55AAECAE

[Dutch Fisher]

Things you wouldn't want to hear in a superhero movie:

Is it a bird!, is it a plane!... whatever it is,, its heading straight for the world trade center

[Juniper]

A mother overheard her teenage daughter telling her friend "I think that the Easter Bunny might actually be real" "Really?" the friend said rather surprised "Why?" "Well I'm pretty sure on Easter Night something furry tried to rape me in my sleep, and I don't think it was a dream" Rather startled, the mother thought for a moment, then looked over at Hector the family dog who was looking a little sheepish over in the corner...

[Juniper]

A mother decided it was time to tell her 8 year old daughter Suzie that the Easter Bunny wasn't actually true. Suzie didn't take the news well, and suddenly began to question everything her parents had ever told her. "Mommy, so does that also mean you and daddy aren't playing Old McDonald Had A Farm when daddy makes those animal noises and you yell out ride me at night?"

[Juniper]

A pedophile and a young boy are walking in the woods and its starting to get dark and creepy out the little boy says "Mister Im scared" The pedophile replies "Your scared? Hell Im the one who has to walk out of here alone."

[Juniper]

Why did Jesus die on the cross?

He forgot the safeword.

[Juniper]

They say its easy to tell jokes about retards...no its not...,.to hard to explain it to them

[Juniper]

I met a girl the other night while out drinking, we went back to her place. She was a huge fan of Princess Di, she had pictures of her everywhere...after the crash.

[Juniper]

With Easter coming my Girl Friend doesn't really believe in religion.

Seems when she was a little girl her parents hung a 25 pound cross over her bed, then in the middle of the night it fell off the wall and put a 2 inch gash in the back of her father's head.

[husaberg]

What defines a truly sensitive, 90's type guy?
-He doesn't make his girlfriend blow him after he buttfucks her.



Dirty Leroy is out on the playground during 4th-grade recess. He goes up
to his classmate Lucy, and tells her "I'd sure like to be in your pants
right now!"

"How can you say such a thing?" she demands angrily.

"Well, I just shit in mine!"



Q: What's the worst thing about washing your cat?
A: Getting the fur off your tongue afterwards.

[Juniper]

A man goes to the doctor and says "I need birth control for my 10 year old daughter"

The doctor replies "She's 10 years old and sexually active?!?!"

The man says" Active? Hell no! Most of the time she just lies there and cries."

[Juniper]

Can orphans watch pg movies?

[Juniper]

Whilst strolling round the harbor this morning about 7 am., I noticed a character shouting

"Allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels" and suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If
he didn't get help he would surely drown.

Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires
you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the
Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept.

It is now 11 a.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet to
respond.
I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.

[Juniper]

What do you call

Two schizophreniacs having sex?
An orgy

Two anorexics having sex
A double boner

A female midget receiving oral sex
Half eaten

A stroke victim and person with cerebral palsy trying to have sex
Optimists

[husaberg]

A father and son are at the beach. The son is mentally disabled and is looking bored.
DAD: "Here, son, why don't you take this pound coin and go buy an ice cream from the ice cream van up there?"
SON: (in a mongolly voice) "Fang yew, daddy."
The son spazzes his way up to the ice cream van and says;
"Can I have a 99 wiv a Flake, please?"
The ice cream man says nothing. He makes the ice cream and, instead of giving to the boy, shoves it in his face.
Upset, the boy spazzes back to his father and tells him what happened.
DAD:" That's strange, son. Look, here's another pound. Go and try again and if it happens again come and tell me and I'll sort it out."
SON: "Okay, daddy."
So the son spazzes back across the beach top the ice cream van and asks for another 99 with a Flake.
Again, the ice cream man makes the ice cream up and shoves it in the kid's face.
The son spazzes back across the sand and tells his dad.
Furious, the father storms up to the ice cream man;
DAD: "Oi! What's the big idea? Every time my son comes up here for an ice cream, you shove it in his face! Why did you do that?"
ICE CREAM MAN: (in a mongolly voice) "I fort he was takin' the piss."

[Juniper]

What does a pregnant girlfriend and locking your keys in your car have in common?

They're both problems easily solved with a wire coat hanger.

[husaberg]

A woman turns to her fella and says, 'Say something that will make me happy, mad and sad at the same time.' He thinks about it for a bit and then says, 'Well...you've got a tighter pussy than my sisters!.'

[gjm]

Ho do you get a fat bird into bed?

Piece of cake...

[Tazz]

I met a girl in the park the other evening.

There was an instant spark between us.

She immediately dropped to her knees
and laid on the grass at my feet.

As we lay there making love, I thought,
"These Taser guns are well worth the money."

[Juniper]

Years ago a girlfriend told me that she was poly, which I thought meant ambidextrous. I couldn't understand why she refused to jerk me off with her left hand, and kept on fucking other guys?

[Juniper]

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas.

The week flew by and they all had a great time.

After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms and hollers, "7 come 11" all night and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says "I know what you mean... my old lady played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers "hit me light or hit me hard", and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."

[Juniper]

Compiled this list, hope you guys like it.

What do you call a homosexual in a wheelchair? Rolaids.

What's the difference between a joke and two dicks? You can't take a joke.

How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None... he fell.

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.

A baby seal walked into a club...

I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, "Please, think of my children!" Kinky bitch.

Have you heard the joke about the baby with AIDS? It never gets old.

How do you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake.

How are children like cellphones? If you've lost one and haven't found it in a couple days, chances are it's probably dead.

What's the best part about raping a baby? It makes your dick look HUGE!

What do you call a black guy who flies a plane? A pilot, you racist asshole!

What's the difference between a rock and a dead baby? You can't fuck a rock. (Not with that attitude.)

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? You would too if you were named Auuurraaagggghhh!

What do you call a fat Chinese person? A chunk.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb.

"Your generation is too reliant on technology," said my grandpa. "No, your generation is too reliant on technology," I retorted as I pulled the plug on his life support to further prove my point.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a hurricane?
You can't rip the eye out of a hurricane and skull fuck it. (Again, not with that attitude.)

Why does the game 'Clue' not have a black character in it?
Because then it would be called 'Solved'.

So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster… Now it doesn't work.

What do you call 40 mexicans buried up to their neck in sand? A spicket fence.

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand up.

What's the difference between a Mexican and Jesus?
Jesus doesn't have a tattoo of a Mexican.

What's the difference between a woman and a computer? You can punch information into a computer.

What do a Muslim and a sperm have in common? Both have a one in a million chance of becoming a human

[Juniper]

What's the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period.

You get your palm red for free.

[Juniper]

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office

and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it.

The therapist tells her that she has a new drug called Viagra that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.

The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the Viagra worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills.

The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle.

The therapist says she doesn't know; it's a new drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person.

Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and puts the rest of the
bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.

A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the moron who gave my mother a bottle of Viagra?"

"Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"

"Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sitting'
in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."

[Juniper]

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

Eh, about halfway


What do you get when you cross an Elephant with a Prostitute?
A two ton pickup that will do it for peanuts and never forget you.


What do you get when you cross a prostitute with an honest politician?
I don't know. There is no such thing as an honest politician.

[gjm]

Not actually sick, but I can think of a couple of people (not necessarily on here) who wouldn't be happy seeing this!

https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/994183_346057428937998_7869784210165939049_n.jpg?o h=c4d8d9fee7ab278af11dddc1755ee2fc&oe=55DC766C&__gda__=1439852014_2893690faccf540e502f435368821b9 7

[Gadget1]

Not actually sick, but I can think of a couple of people (not necessarily on here) who wouldn't be happy seeing this!



Friggin hell man, Hitcher will probably go off his nut at the misspelling of dishwasher!!

[husaberg]

Friggin hell man, Hitcher will probably go off his nut at the misspelling of dishwasher!!

Whilst Hitcher could be infuriated by the spelling. I would assume he would be somewhat placated by the subject mater displayed in the shot.

[Gadget1]

Whilst Hitcher could be infuriated by the spelling. I would assume he would be somewhat placated by the subject mater displayed in the shot.

Indeed husaberg, however, I would fully expect him to bust you for misspelling matter (mater) and me for the use of an ellipsis...

[husaberg]

Indeed husaberg, however, I would fully expect him to bust you for misspelling matter (mater) and me for the use of an ellipsis...

hehehehehehe.
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/83/fc/ee/83fceed72dd257a19fdc914ebe0158af.jpg

[Gadget1]

hehehehehehe.




Lol, it's like something from 7 Days as well.

[Smifffy]

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair. It's ok though, she usually comes crawling back before too long.

[husaberg]

I met an amazing girl on the internet. Smart, sexy and uninhibited.

Of course, it turned out to be a twelve year old paraplegic boy.

I'll be honest, the sex was disappointing.

[husaberg]

My wife says that she can't feel my cock when I fuck her.

Maybe the silly bitch should have thought about that before she got paralysed in a car crash.

[husaberg]

I was excited to hear my mates had organised a weekend of parachuting but it was a big disappointment.

I thought we were going to be hunting crippled athletes.

[FJRider]

I passed a group of Girl Scouts this morning, with a stall that read "Home Made Lemonade: $15.00, Oral Sex: $5.00".

"Here's twenty Dollars girls, but I think you've got your prices mixed up", I chuckled.

"Once you've finished going down on me, you'll be gagging for that lemonade", said the sweaty fat one.

[FJRider]

Buckingham Palace has announced that the new royal baby has been placed on a life support system.

The Civil List

[FJRider]

Ok, so this girl on Facebook posted a status which read:

"How can I get rid of this morning sickness?"

Turns out replying, "Try a coat hanger" is a good way to get yourself deleted.

[FJRider]

The body of executed drug smuggler Andrew Chan will be flown home from Indonesia on Malaysian Airlines.

A spokesperson for his family said it's what Andrew wanted.To be buried at sea.

[FJRider]

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

Oh, no: I never found her head.

[husaberg]

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
Pick him up and suck his dick.


What did Jeffrey Dahmer said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"You gonna eat that?"

How do you know if you have an overbite?
If you're eating pussy and it tastes like shit.

What's white, has six legs & runs around a paddock?
A ram doin' a ewe ee.

How does a blind sky-diver know when he’s getting close to the ground?
The leash on his guide dog goes slack!

[husaberg]

The wall surface was rough they told the guy to plain it.
<iframe width="554" height="310" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/dI6wqITxPYw" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[Swoop]

The wall surface was rough they told the guy to plain it.

Why was the first "pop-up advert" for Ardmore flying school???!!:confused:

[gjm]

When I first discovered masturbation at Catholic school, I was terrified - I thought I was broken.

I couldn't understand why jizz was coming out of my cock instead of my arsehole like it normally did.

[husaberg]

bad accident scene. He jumps out and runs over to see if he can be of any assistance.
There is a badly injured man lying on the road bleeding to death and the paramedics are
giving it all they've got - mouth to mouth, pumping the heart etc. but no luck.
Suddenly another car screeches up to the accident scene and a woman jumps out and runs over
to the dying man. "Let me see if I can help" she says and proceeds to sit on his face.
Seconds later there are signs of recovery and the man begins to regain consciousness.
"How did you do that???" exclaim the paramedics.

"Easy" she says "he didn't need mouth to mouth, he needed a
blood transfusion"

[husaberg]

On their 25th anniversary, a bloke took his wife on a second honeymoon to the same place as their first. Same motel, same room as on their wedding night.
When they checked in, his wife said, "Oh honey, it'll be just like when we got married!"




"Yeah," said the bloke. "Except this time, it'll be me sitting on the edge of the bed, screaming', it's too big, it's too big!'"

[FlangMasterJ]

http://i.imgur.com/8NDKeck.png

[Tazz]

http://scontent-atl1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/11822854_1018168848215480_4842491674362920485_n.jp g?oh=a8180a5019d2d7c91ad441510393c1b5&oe=56578F3E

[husaberg]

.................................

[husaberg]

...............................

[husaberg]

http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d149/lookslikecrap/lost_dog.jpg

[husaberg]

Leroy is out on the playground during 4th-grade recess. He goes up
to his classmate Lucy, and tells her "I'd sure like to be in your pants
right now!"

"How can you say such a thing?" she demands angrily.

"Well, I just shit in mine!"

[husaberg]

What do you say
to a girl with
No Arms & No Legs?





Nice Tits!!





FUN THINGS TO SAY TO A GIRL WITH
NO ARMS AND NO LEGS

"If your happy and you know it clap your hands!"

I guess a handjobs out off the question?

You don't expect me to do the dishes?

Could you pass me my cigaretts darling?

I would have at least expected you to cook me dinner!!!

Do you want a vibrator for Christmas?

Why do you mean you haven't done the shopping?

Oi… give me back the remote control.

Do you want to play racket ball?

Why haven't you made the bed?

Now stand up and say that… BITCH!!!!!

It's your turn to mow the lawn!

Who left that slug trail on the kitchen floor?

If you need something done while I'm gone, call a handyman!

Are you having an affair you bitch, I've been calling all day!!!!

One giant leap for mankind, one enormous thump on the floor!

Remember… progress is just one step at a time.

Put another log on the fire.

Do you want to drive, or should I?

It's your turn to walk the dog!

For god sake woman… get off your arse!!!!

[Robbo]

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's fanny,
Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock cos Jill was a fuckin' tranny!

[Robbo]

Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed ,
Little Bo Peep was giving him head,
when Humpty came , she started to weep
she could tell by the taste he'd been shagging her sheep!

[husaberg]

https://taskandpurpose.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/BOLYARD-RAPE-JOKE-e1408485266261.jpg

[husaberg]

A friend asks another what she was doing?
She repied, nothing really I'm bored.
He says well let's play a game, interested?
Her obvious reply, yes.
Alright, it's pearl harbor.
What's that about she asked.
Where I lay down and you blow the hell out of me.



My girlfriend is a porn star.

She is going to be so real pissed off when she finds out though.


Two five-year-old boys were standing in the boy's room, taking a leak.
One boy looks at the other and say, "you know, my Dad has two of those."
The other boy asks, "what do you mean, 'two'?".
The first boy responds, "My Dad has a little short one that he uses to go pee, and he also has a great, big, long one that he uses to brush Mommy's teeth."
316072

[husaberg]

What's Helen Keller's favourite colour?







Velcro.

[YellowDog]

A bloke walks in to a library and says to the busy librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, do you have any books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top
of her glasses and says, 'Fu'k off, you'll no bring it back!

[GrayWolf]

Breaking morning news,
Today there was a terrible tragic accident on the Auckland Motorway, A high speed collision between a coach and lorry. The coach skidded, went through the armco barrier and rolled down the bank. On arrival of the emergency services it was realised the coach contained the whole 'Wheel Black's' team, just returning from a tour. It took the fire brigade 15hrs to free the coach from the wreckage.

[george formby]

316386

Oh dear. Merciless.

[husaberg]

woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''

The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

[Hobbes-on-a-gsxr]

Ok, here's the three worst jokes i know. I haven't read every page so i apologise if these are repeats

Q: what's the definition of gross?
A: having a dream that you're eating cottage cheese, and waking up to find your grandmother sitting on your face.

Q: why do you put a baby in the blender feet first?
A: so you can watch it's facial expressions while you masturbate.

Q: how do you make a gay fuck a woman?
A: shit in her cunt.
^that one's from Jimmy Carr

Enjoy

[Juniper]

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.
When he gets back, he says,
"Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says,
"Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again,
"Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up."
He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again,
"Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"

She looks at him and says,
"For fucksakes, don't your ears ever get cold?"

[Juniper]

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences.
He radios his boss.
"I got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he is stuck on the bull bars of my truck. He's wriggling what should I do?"

"In the back of your truck, there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it of and throw it in the bush."
Instructs his boss
The farm worker says
"Ok."
and signs off.

About ten minutes later. He radios back again.
"I did what you said I shot the pig, and dragged it out and threw it in the bush."
"So what's the problem now?"
His boss snapped.

"The blue lights on his motorbike are still flashing!"

[Robbo]

Two Pensioners....

[gjm]

What's the difference between a telly and a pregnant girlfriend?

You don't get a very good reception if you put a coat hanger inside your girlfriend.

[nodrog]

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?





The wheelchair.

[husaberg]

A blonde was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex. Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and one Samsung, but no Siemen was found !

317548

[Katman]

Husaberk .

[husaberg]

husaberg drives me wild, I obsess over him general follow him around and even change my signature to include him .


But hey, half a bottle of bourbon and I didn't tell anyone to suck my cock - I must be getting better.
Have you came out of the closet yet?
Its not just because I am not gay, even gay guys would find you to be a ugly ignorant tosspot.

[Akzle]

Have you came out of the closet yet?
Its not just because I am not gay, even gay guys would find you to be a ugly ignorant tosspot.

http://www.narragansett.k12.ri.us/nhs/computer/Second_Semester_06-07/Period_1A/extreme%20ironing%20Max%20G/images/basejumping.jpg

[unstuck]

Holy fucking moly..... the Akzel has picture capability's now, never thought I would see the day. You stealing your neighbor's internets now akkky. :2thumbsup

[Akzle]

Holy fucking moly..... the Akzel has picture capability's now, never thought I would see the day. You stealing your neighbor's internets now akkky. :2thumbsup

i'd let your missus blow me.

[gjm]

Girl: Am I pretty?

Boy: No.

Girl: Do you want to be with me forever?

Boy: No.

Girl: Would you be upset if I walked away?

Boy: No.

Girl: Would you cry if I died?

Boy: No.

She had heard enough and was hurt so she walked away with tears rolling down her face.

The boy ran after her and grabbed her arm.

"Also, I fucked your best friend."

[husaberg]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/e6/73/e0/e673e0bef5bd24dfeb760b0688febc7d.jpg

[husaberg]

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

[Drew]

What's the last organ to go cold, in a strangled hooker?
























My cock!

[WristTwister]

Father sitting at home reading the news, when his little girl, only 6 comes running up to him.

Father: "Hello darling"

Girl: "Hi daddy"

Father:"You been playing in the park, with your friends?"

Girl: "Yeah... until the man he came along":scratch:

Father:"The man?" :mellow:

Girl: "yeah and he asked my friends to leave and it was just me and the man at the park." :scratch:

Father:"What ever happened, darling, none of it was your fault, but I need you to tell me every detail":(

Girl: "He took me behind a tree so no one could see us" :scratch:

Father:"Oh dear darling, then what happened?" :facepalm:

Girl: "Umm he took my dress off" :scratch:

Father:"Oh god, and then what happened darling?":weep:

Girl: "then he took his thing out.." :scratch:

Father:"oh darling, it's not your fault, what happened next?":wait:

Girl: "oh nothing else, that was it.":scratch:

Father:"Fargh, well make something up!":tugger:

[husaberg]

My boss gave me the sack today. It's not as bad as you think, sometimes he gives me the shaft as well...............


My wife said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave." I said, "You pack them."


I met a woman last night who told me that she wanted sex really badly. I said "Well i'm definitely your man, i'm fucking terrible.

[WristTwister]

Sign outside a 1 Star Hotel: We don't have ensuite bathrooms, but we do have plastic sheets. If anything, they're even more convenient!

[anebv8]

The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits.
She's got a point, I suppose...
I work in a hammer factory.

[Erelyes]

What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person?
You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.

What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?
Nothing.

What's white on top and black on bottom?
Society.

What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?
Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife is dead.

What's the difference between a snow pea and a chick pea?
I wouldn't pay 40 bucks to have a snow pea on my face.

Who's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walken.

What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler?
Usain Bolt can finish a race.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

[husaberg]

If you have a green ball in the left hand and a green ball in the right. What do you have?
Kermit the frog’s undivided attention.

What's red and orange and looks good on hippies?
Fire.

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.
One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".

The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a boiling pot?

Stu.

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs hammered into a piece of wood?

Peg.

A pirate goes into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says:
"Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?"
" Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading
a canon it blew me hand clean off".
"What about the eye-patch?".
"I happened to look up when a gull flying overhead crapped on me eye".
"Well, that's not that bad..is it?"
"It was the first day I got me hook".

[Katman]

My boss gave me the sack today. It's not as bad as you think, sometimes he gives me the shaft as well.............

We're not surprised.

[husaberg]

We're not surprised.

Shucks another stalker, I will add you to the list.........:lol:
Any more homoerotic fantasies you whish to share on open forum?
Or are you just restricting them to PM's?

[Katman]

Or are you just restricting them to PM's?

Dude, I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.

Why would I ever PM you?

[husaberg]

Dude, I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.

Why would I ever PM you?

So golden showers is your latest homosexual fantasy then?:psst:
Thanks for sharing, maybe you should try grinder rather than KB if that's you cup of pee.
Anyway whens you next movie precious?
318991318992

[Erelyes]

My grandma walked into my room when i was masturbating. she had a stroke........

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not four, because my basement is still dark as shit.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Nothing, she choked

What does Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last greatest hits were the wall.

What do babies and an etcha sketch have in common? You shake em hard enough and all your mistakes disappear.

Did you hear the joke about the kid with terminal cancer? .............It never gets old

[Erelyes]

Robert Bain asked his son David where he was going on his paper run.

"I'm shooting up Every Street first"

[husaberg]

Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!"
She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!"
He casually replies
"If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse.
but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"


A ship wrecks onto a deserted island. Two guys and a girl survive. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex.
Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore so they keep having sex.
After a few days of sex, they feel guilty about what they've been doing....so they bury her.



A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

[anebv8]

What's the difference between a black man and HIV?
HIV stays with the kids once they're born.

[husaberg]

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-W66NjY9TdeA/UlUlU15RZPI/AAAAAAAABgw/PXj_M0hPOOY/s320/funny-Kurt-Cobain-vs-Justin-Bieber.jpg

[husaberg]

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.
I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.
I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough!
But I spend 50 bucks on a blow job for myself and she goes fucking nuts!!!
Women, I can't figure them out!.



I walked into my nans bedroom and caught her sucking my grandads cock. I said "Aaarrrgh nan that's disgusting". She said "No it's not, it's perfectly normal" I said "No nan its wrong, you should have buried it with the rest of him".



There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home, there I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[Bikkie]

I wonder what my parents did to
fight boredom before the internet......I
asked my 15 brothers and sisters
and they don't know either.

I've two dogs.I've named them
ONE and TWO.If ONE dies,I'll still
have TWO.

I\ve been showing my young son
how to swipe a tablet.Piece of piss
in Noel Leemings there's no security.

I went to the pub with my chubby
girlfriend.The barman began
pouring me a pint but stopped
halfway.He said,"The barrel
needs changing." I whispered in his
ear,"Don't worry mate I'm
dumping her soon as I've got my
birthday present."

My Gran loves reading the 50
shades novels.Mostly because she
doesn't have to lick her fingrs to
turn the page.

People claim to be into recycling
but watch their faces as you rinse
out a condom.

Lesbian flooring is so easy to fit.
It's all tongue and groove.

What's the difference between a
feminist and a brick? A brick gets laid.

Want to make your water bed more bouncy? Use spring water.

[Bikkie]

A man called Simon
goes on Stars In Their Eyes
and Matthew Kelly notices
he's in a wheelchair.
Matthew asks,"What
happened?" I was in
a car crash with my
uncle.He died and I
had to have my legs
amputated.But they
saved my uncle's legs
and grafted them
onto me.In six
months time I will be
able to walk again."
"That's amazing"
says Matthew."Who
are you going to be
for us tonight then?"
"Tonight Matthew,
I'm going to
be....Simon and half
uncle!"

Although Jesus was
known as a carpenter.
He never actually
sang on any of their
albums.

[Bikkie]

The Australian cricket team have
been found cheating in the Third
Test against South Africa.I can't
believe it! A country whose
ancestors were convicts,caught
cheating! I'm shocked!

A smile is contagious.Just smile at
someone and see their reaction.For
that extra bit of excitment,do it
with your cock out.

[Bikkie]

What's the difference between
racism and Asians? Racism has
many faces.

What has two wings and an arrow?
A chinese telephone "wing wing"
"Arrow"

I told a girl my dick was like a
computer.She asked if that was
because it had loads of RAM and a
big hard drive."Oh",the surprise she
got when she found out it was
actually just full of viruses and
microsoft.

I heard a rumour that during their
marriage,sean Penn would
sometimes take a baseball bat to
Madonna.Bet it didn't even touch
the sides.

It's ironic that niggers name their
children with posistive images like
precious,pearl or happy.When
names like nick or rob would be
more appropiate.

I read that a banana a day helps to
keep your colon clean.I just wish
they'd told me I was supposed to
eat them.

The wife was getting dressed up for
a night out with her mates,walked
into the lounge asked me to
rate her."8 or 9 a least." I said
"out of 10" she smiled..."Thanks,
Babe,I'm flattered." Didn't have
the heart to tell her I meant pints.

A black guy in a library asked me
where the coloured printer was.I
replied,"Mate it's 2018,you can
use any printer you want."

[Bikkie]

Smoking will kill you...Bacon will
kill you...But smoking bacon will
cure it.

Sometimes I like to hide my wife's
inhaler.So the neightbours think I'm
a stallion when they hear her
panting "Give it to me!"

Gary a friend of mine decided to
open a small shop selling tinsel and
other sparkly party decorations.
Calling it "Gary Glitter" probably
wasn't the best idea.

I have just broken the world
holding my breath underwater
record at the local pool after
a young girl said,"That's the man
mummy."


What's the difference between
black people and snow tyres?
Snow tyres don't sing when you put
chains on them

Who takes the second shot in a
game of snooker?
Find out after the break.

For every bloke who has fails in life
there is usually a woman
somewhere with a free house.

[Bikkie]

Two blondes were standing outside
one night pondering a question.
One blonde says,"Which do you
think is closer the moon or
florida? the other blonde rolls her
eyes and says,"The moon you dumb
bitch you can see it from here.

A blonde goes to buy a car at the auto dealers.
She gets into a manual one and says to the sales assistant
"I can't understand, this car has 3 pedals
and I only have 2 legs."

[Murray]

From Cassina

"If i had contributed nothing of merit over the years I would have got ZERO and I mean ZERO responses to all my posts. Now think about that if you are bright enough?"

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:: laugh:

[Drew]

From Cassina

"If i had contributed nothing of merit over the years I would have got ZERO and I mean ZERO responses to all my posts. Now think about that if you are bright enough?"

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:: laugh:
Link that original post. I gotta wind that up.

[husaberg]

Link that original post. I gotta wind that up.

https://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php/185333-Overtaking-another-bike?p=1131093738#post1131093738

[caspernz]

Link that original post. I gotta wind that up.

You won't need a big spanner for that Drew, all bolts already loose...blame a dog :wacko::drool::lol::cool::rolleyes:

[Bikkie]

A little white kid at my sons school
was adopted by black parents.He
asked why do other kids keep callling
him Tazan.

I was driving on the motorway
today when I saw a sign that read:
Turnoff-1 mile ahead sure
enough a mile later at the side of
the road was Jenny Shipley with no
knickers on,lifting her skirt.

Mick bumps into Paddy in the
street walking with a greyhound.
That's a fine looking dog Paddy"
said Mick."Are you going to race
him.?" "No feckin way." said
Paddy,"He's far too quick."

I always keep a spade in the
greenhouse,that way he can water
my plants and stuff.

Germany refused to take part in the
strike against Syria,as they fail to
see what's wrong with gassing
one's own population.

My sister was posing and taking
selfies."Look",she said."My body
is a temple." "Don't you mean a
Mosque with the amount of Pakis
that have been inside it?" I replied.

[Bikkie]

The police knocked on my door.An
officer said,"We'd just like to
inform you sir,that whilst you
were at work,a black male was
apprenened trying to break into
your property." "Golly!" I
exclaimed.The office cautioned
"We understand your anger sir but
lets just stick to referring to him as
a black male."


The police knocked on my door this
morning."Where were you at
8.05pm last night sir?" asked the
officer."I took the wife upstairs for
some love making at 8pm last
night" I said. "That's true" my wife
shouted. "But fucks knows where he
was at five past."



I received a letter from screwfix
thanking me for my inquiry and
informing me they are not a Dating
agency.


Two cannibals are at an athletics
meeting."I'm hungry!! "Me too"
"What would you like to eat?" "I
think I'll have the starter."

Teacher asks her
class "If your mother
was a cartoon
character who would
she be?" Little Mary
says,"My mummy
would be Cinderella
because she looks
like a princess" Little
Tommy says,"My mum would be
Penolope Pitstop
because she's a
brillant driver."
Relunctly she gets to
Little Johnny and
Little Johnny says,
"My mum would be
Kungfu Panda miss,
you should see the
fucking size of her
black eyes my dad
gave her when he
came home early
from work and caught
her sucking off the
window cleaner!"

[Bikkie]

3 men in a cafe,
furiously wanking.
Waitress comes over
and says,"What the
hell are you doing?"
One of them points to
a sign which reads:
FIRST COME FIRST
SERVED!

"I want to sleep at
your place tonight"
She whispered in my
ear."Ok," I said,"But
I want to be on top."
"Ooh," she smiled,"I
love a man who's
masterful." "My bunk
bed,my rules."

Taylor Swift and
Adele have tens of
songs about bad
relationships,but not
one song about giving
a decent blowjob.
Conincidence!

How was break
dancing invented?
Niggers trying to
steal hub caps from
moving cars.

[Bikkie]

My role in Scotland Yard
CD is a DCI specialising in
forensic profiling and interrogation.
I received training in deep psychology
and crime analysis by the
Behavioural Science unit of FBI.
When we lack hard evidence we employ
certain techniques to ascertain the
culpability of a suspect.We merit
each case on an individual basis but
apply generalisations derived from
decades of research into humam psychology.
The main questions we ask ourselves to
determine gulit are:

1 Does the crime scene signature
match the suspects psychological needs?

2 Are they being evasive to confrontation
in relation to the crime?

3 Is their body language defensive of
incogruent to the answers?

4 Do they have a passive reaction to accusation?

5 Is there a tendency to minimise the victimisation
of the crime and the hypothetical punity?

6 Does the facial mirco expressions reveal
emotions that correlate to guilt?

7 Most importantly are they black?

[Bikkie]

Paddy decides to take
up boxing and goes
for the required
medical.A few days
later the doctor
phones him and says,
"Paddy I'm afraid to
inform you that
you've got sugar
diabetes." Paddy
replies,"Doesn't
matter to me,when
do I fight the twat?"

After years of
threating to leave,
last night my wife
finally broke my
heart.She's staying.


Vandals have attacked
the National Origami
Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you
updated as the story
unfolds.

When me and my
mates go out on the
pull. I'm known as
"The cat" It's not
because I'm sleek and
stealthy,or anything
like that.when I turn
up the birds scatter.

[Bikkie]

My girlfriend just
admitted that she
used to be christian.
So I broke up with
her.It might seem
judgemental,but I've
only known her since
she was christine.

I accidentally bumped
into some cross eyed
woman today,she
said,"You should look
where your going!"
I said,"Yeah,and you
should go where your
looking!"

[Bikkie]

According to the news,
Elton John has put on
so much weight recently,
he is having to have his
trousers specially made
for him.Time to say
"Goodye normal jeans then,
Elton."

My neighour has at
last forgiven me for
flashing my bum at
her she's over the moon.

Two Muslims are out driving one
day in Rotterham,when they get
pulled over by a copper.The cop
approaches their vehicle and says
to the driver Abdul "Sorry to pull you
over but we're looking for a couple
of child molesters." The two Muslims
look at each other for a few moments
and have a few quiet words with each
other.Driver Adbul turns back to the
cop and says,"Alright officer well do it."

I was invited to attend a lesbian rally.
Two hours of shit driving?
No thanks.

When watching lesbian porn,add to
the atmoshere by having an open
tin of tuna nearby.

A lesbian goes to a nutritionist
because she has indigestion.
The nutritionist says,"Its simple
you are what you eat." So the
lesbian turns to her and says,
"Are you calling me a cunt?"

[Bikkie]

I play in a rock band
called Dyslexia.We're
just released a
compilation ablum of
our greatest shit.

I was a DJ last night
at the annual disco for
the National Dyslexic
Association.Made the
mistake of playing
YMCA-It was
fucking mayhem.

Good...A gorgeous
girl hugs you Bad...
you get an erection.
Worse...You realise
it's not yours.
Worst...Now you've
got an erection.

Jack and Jill went up
the hill,so Jack could
lick Jills fanny.Jack
got a shock and a
mouthful of cock
cause Jill was a
fucking Tranny.

I lost my job at the
laundromat
today.
Apparently,our
policy of separating
the whites from the
coloureds doesn't
include telling Pakis
and Niggers to fuck
off.

[Bikkie]

Just got a copy of Pirates Of
The Caribbean and I'm taking
it back..I put the disc in and
the first thing it told me
was that it was illegal to
watch pirate movies.

Pulled a gypsy bird
last night,she asked
me did I want to go
back to hers for a
good time.She wasn't
fucking kidding.I went on the doggems,
waltzers,ghost train
and came home with a
goldfish...

Me and my mate had
a car boot challenge
to see who could get
the cheapest item.I
got an A-Z of London
for 25p.He paid 15p
for an abacus with no
beads.Surely that
doesn't count?

I remember the first
time I had sex.As she
unzipped my jeans
and pulled out my
cock she said,"Is that
all you've got?" I
said,"Yeah,why,how
many cocks did you
expect me to have?"

Apparently when
placing ads on a dating
site one should be
slightly romantic or
flitty and display a
sense of humour.I
like oriental girls so I
placed an ad on a
relevant site
beginning with the
line....Yellow....is it
me you're looking for?....hmm still
no replies as yet.

[Bikkie]

To mum Happy Mothers day!
For old times sake,let me
suck on them tits again.
Lots of love Jon xx

I just watched a DVD
called Bald and Barely
Legal.So there I was
sitting...cock in hand
only to realise it was
a DVSA documentary
about mimimum
fucking tyre tread
depths.

I was having sex with my wife last
night when she suddenly yelled
"Dave get your cock out of my
arse!" "Just relax." I said,"You
might like it." "Relax?" she
screamed,"What the fuck is Dave
doing here?"

Don't buy
expensive ribbed
condoms,just buy an ordinary one
and slip a handful of frozen peas
inside it before you put it on.

So I called up a chinse takeaway
last night.Someone answered and
said,"Herro I'm wan king the chef."
So I said,"Oh sorry to disturb,I'll
call back later."

I wonder how many calories women
burn by jumping to conclusions?

A recent survey has said that gay
men dress better than any other
men......of course they do! What
else have they been doing in the
closet all this time?

[Bikkie]

I got up for a piss in
the night and noticed a
paki sneaking around
in the next doors garden,
suddenly my neighbour came from
nowhere and twatted him
around the head with a shovel,
killing him instantly.He then
began to dig a grave with
the shovel and bury him.
Astonished I got back into
bed.My wife said,"Darling
you're shaking,what's the
matter?" "You'll never
believe what I've just seen."
I replied,"That cunt next
door has still got my
fucking shovel!!!"

When I was a kid,my dad
sat me down and showed
me pictures of why I
should always wear a
condom.Funny thing is,
they were all just pictures of me.

Muslim bucket list:
Bucket,water,soap
wash cleaning cars
at traffic lights.

I'm not saying my blonde
girlfriend's thick but she thinks
Iran is an apple treadmill machine.

BMW..fix the indicators on your
car during this recall I'm not
a fucking medium.

A man is lying in bed in a hospital
with an oxygen mask on "Nurse are
my testicles black?" nurse replies
"I don't know,I"m only here to wash
your hands and feet." He struggles
again to ask "Nurse are my testicles black?"
She pulls back the covers,raises his gown,
holds his cock in her hand and takes a
closer look at his balls and say,"There's
nothing wrong with them" Finally
the man pulls off his oxygen mask
and gasps,"That was very nice,but
are...my...test...results...back?"

[Bikkie]

I'm not calling her a slut.
I'm just saying she's had
more balls in her mouth
than a Hungry Hungry Hippos.


How do you find Will Smith
in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints.

[Bikkie]

In the 1960's The Beatles sang
"All You Need Is Love." But
as a lot of celebrities have been
finding out,even back then you
also needed consent.



( Found this on the net )

This isn't a joke,just
an actual true story,
something I thought you
fellow readers would
enjoy...When I was a
kid my first job was
working weekends in
Blockbusters.My Greek
grandmother used to
have me over for dinner,
and through her thick
accent she would ask
"how iz de blackbastards?"
I never corrected her.

My wife gives me oral
every night before I go
to sleep.Nagging cow!

[Bikkie]

The Eveining Standard reports
that Victoria Beckham has been
mocked for her "Miserable Royal
Wedding Face." Yeah right on.
On every other day it's just
know as Her Face.

Three pictures have been
released today of the
royal wedding.They should
have been released yesterday,
but the photographer had a
fucker of a job telling
the prints from the negatives.

I felt really patriotic and
nostalgic after the royal wedding.
It was the first time the UK
had made a black princess since
british Leyland shut down!

Meghan Markle showed she
had a sense of humour
During her wedding ceremony
she said,"For richer or poorer."

Meghan Markle said she wants
to be a "Queen of hearts"
The rest of us see her as
the spade that loves clubs
and diamonds.

[Bikkie]

90% of dogs in korea
are inbred....like in
a sandwich or something.

I was at the bus stop
eating a pie..There
was an old lady with a
little dog that was
jumping up at me
panting and whining
for my pie."Do you
mind if I throw your
dog a bit" I asked
"Not at all" she said
smiling so I grabbed
the yapping little cunt
and threw it across
the fucking road.

"Dad is it true you
suck cock and take it
up the arse? "Good
heavens son,who on
Earth has told you
that?
"My other dad
Elton."

I went into a pub with
my wife and asked
the barman for a
pint of larger and
something suitable
for the wife. "So
then,tha'll be a pint
of larger and a pint of
bitter then." he said.

Apparently men think
about sex every
seven seconds.
Luckily I wrote this in
sex.

We call my alcoholic
uncle the exorcist.
Everytime he visits
he rids the house of
spirits.

[Bikkie]

SKY News are reporting that
300 million euros worth of
priceless art has been
stolen from a museum in
paris.
Wait a sec.If it's 300
million worth of priceless
art it is not really
priceless...Is it?

My grilfriend just asked
me,"When we go to Egypt
can we go on a camel?"
I said,"As you wish fine."
and booked it for her.
She's going tomorrow....I'm
leaving in three weeks
and fucking flying there.

When my new south African
girlfriend said she couldn't
get enough jizz I didn't
need any promping.
I got my cock out and sprayed
my hot man juice all over
her face.Now she's my
ex-girlfriend....appartently,she
meant music like Miles Davis
and Charlie Parker.

I was arguing with someone
about Islam and Hala food and
they said,"Throwing bacon
at a Muslim is as offensive
as throwing dog shit at them."
Anyway,long story short,I'm
now saving a fortune on bacon....

[Bikkie]

I FUCKING HATE
THOSE BLACK
BASTARDS! THE
WHITES SHOULD
DEFEAT THEM
ALL!...anyway
enough talk about chess
lets talk about how
racist attitudes are
destroying harmony
in modern culture.

My wife says she's
leaving me because
she's never seen me
sober.Fucking hell,I
got married.

Aboomerang is just a
frisbee for people with
no friends.

I said to grandad,"I
had my mates round
last night,we ordered
a load of pizzas and
had a game of poker."
"Domino"?" he asked.
I sad,"No poker,you
deaf cunt."

Annoy the woman at
the airport checking
desk when they ask
"Window or isle?" by
replying "Window or
you'll do what?"

[Bikkie]

The bride and groom
get back to the bridal
suite and Meghan strips
naked in front of Harry
and says,"Darling,will
you love me always?"
"Sounds good to me"
says Harry "I'll try
your arsehole first."

[Bikkie]

Had a bet with my
scottish pal over
Englands
performances in the
group stages.I get
$300 only if we win
all 3 matches.But
drunkenly and
boastful I agreed to
do a foreit for any
match we lose.Tuna
fish makes me wretch
so if we lose to
Tunisia I have to eat
4 tins of tuna.I'm
allergic to cocoa so
if we lose to Belgium
I have to eat 2 large
boxes of belgium
chocolates.Fuck I
really hope we don't
lose to panama.
Because if we do I
have to let gay Tony
free entry into my
canal.

[Bikkie]

Nickelback fame,always
auditioned for his school
nativity play but never
made it as a wise man.


The wife has told me I've
got shit for Brains.
That's the last time I
allow her to sell any of
my Thundebirds collectables
on eBay.

Don't be ashamed of who you
are,that's your parents job.

I've nicknamed my girlfriend
Firefox because she's
so fucking unresponsive
everytime I try and turn

[Bikkie]

Teach a man to fish
and he will eat for a
lifetime.Teach a
feminist to fish and
she will accuse you of
patronising her,claim
she knew how to do it
anyway and that even
if she didn't,she
could easily work it
out without the help
of a man.

A friend of mine just
told me that she's got
swelling on her arse,
legs annd boobs.I
thought....Whoa...too
much inflammation!

If you're ever in
Africa and come face
to face with a lion,
take one step
sideways and then
one step back.
Repeating this
process lets you
move obligately away
from the lion and
prevents you from
standing in your own
shit.

Drew Barrymore....
Now I just need to
colour him in....

I was once stuck on a
ski lift for hours.
Then the acid wore
off and my gran was
yelling at me to get
off her rocking chair
and give her walking
stick back.

[Bikkie]

I can't wait for my
Thai bride to arrive in
the UK.She has an
amazing sense of
humour,I asked her to
send me a nude pic
and she only went and
photoshopped a
massive dick between
her legs haha what a
girl she is lol.

It's funny that every
guy on my street likes
and has a lab....I have
a Golden Labrador,my
neighour Dave has a
black lab,and my
other neighbour
Mohammed has a
meth lab.

Teacher asks the
class "Can anyone tell
me what Mr Churchill
was famous for?" Little
johnny puts his hand
up and says,"Is it
because he was the
last white man to be
called Winston, miss?"

You know when I was
growing up I thought
modern medicine
would have cured
everything.I still can't
believe it's nearly
1993 and they haven't
found a cure for
alzheimer's.

Air New Zealand has
caused controversy by
altering its menu to
serve business class
flyers a vegan burger.
Personally I don't see
what the fuss is about
as long as the vegans
were humanely killed!

[Bikkie]

Paddy was talking to
Mick in the pub about
the cave rescue."I
don't know what all da
fuckin fuss is about
Mick,the tunnels can't
be that small if they
managed to get 12
footballers and the
fuckin coach down
there."

[slofox]

Paddy was talking to
Mick in the pub about
the cave rescue."I
don't know what all da
fuckin fuss is about
Mick,the tunnels can't
be that small if they
managed to get 12
footballers and the
fuckin coach down
there."

Could be a new conspiracy theory...:whistle:

[Bikkie]

"Thank fuck that
rubbish is over with
for another four years
and they didn't win it,
you might have
wanted sex again."
complained my wife.
And here's me
thinking I might get to
shag her at Christmas
this year for a change
as well.

[Bikkie]

For sale:used football
shirts.Tunisia,Panama,
Sweden,Croatia and
Belgium.Only worn
once [ except the Belgium
shirt: twice ]
contact Big Davy 99
Argyle Street Glasgow.

Me to Ryanair cabin
attendant on
decompressed flight
FR7312 from Dublin
"THERE'S NO OXYGEN
IN THE OXYGEN
MASK!!!!" Cabin
Attendant:"It's coin
operated."

[Bikkie]

Reveea Steenkamp: "I'd love to be fucked in the batroom".

Freddie Murcury: "Nah,let me stick in there,this aids stuff is just nonsense."

Yorkshire prostitute: "It's a tenner for a blowjob alright Mr Stutcliffe?"

Elvis Presley: "I'm dying for a shit."

Mayor of Hiroshima: "Forecast is very hot today."

J.F.Kennedy: "Fuck it it's a nice day,let's take the convertible."

John Lennon: "I'm from Liverpool mate,do you think a gun scares me?"

Princess Diana: "Nah,he's a bit of a twat is Phillip,but he wouldn't murder us."

Sonny Bono: "Fuck me,this skiing is a piece piss."

[Bikkie]

After everything
she's been through
and survived,one
word comes to mind
when I think of Demi
Lovato.Herine

I went to see the
doctor today to get
my genital herpes
checked out.She said
"Get that thing out of
my face and get the
fuck out of my
Tardis!"

[husaberg]

Me:- Boss i am not coming into work to day coz i am sick.

Boss:- How sick are you?

Me:- Well i am in bed with my sister

<header>
</header><article>Steve goes to the doctors and says,
"Doctor doctor, every time I look in the
mirror I get aroused."

The doctor replies, "I'm not surprised...
you're a cunt."


What has lots of balls and fucks rabbits





A 12-Guage</article>
A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices the
gorgeous blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled
hello. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving
to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her
from, so he says "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe
mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my
children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been
unfaithful. "Christ!" he says "Are you the stripogram from my stag
night, who I fcuked over the edge of the snooker table in front of
all my mates, whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and
serviced my arrsehole with half a cucumber...?" "No," she replied, "I
am your son's English Teacher..."

<header class="message-attribution" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: rgb(140, 140, 140); padding-bottom: 3px; border-bottom: 1px solid rgb(231, 231, 231); font-family: BlinkMacSystemFont, -apple-system, &quot;Segoe UI&quot;, Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; background-color: rgb(254, 254, 254);">
</header>

[Bikkie]

On the high sreet
today I saw a sign
saying Hair dressing
for men.I went in
and there was a
rabbit trying on
clothes and all these
bloked saying "Very
nice."

I failed my driving
test thanks to my
instructor.He
advised,"Treat other
road users as you
would expect them to
treat you." So I cut in
front of a BMW
without indicating and
flipped the driver the
finger when he
sounded his horn at
me.

[Bikkie]

What religion am I?
Crystal methodist.

My neighbour knocked on my door
at 2am this morning ans said."Bob
I can't fucking sleep." "Well it's
your lucky day." I said. "I've
got a party going on in here,
come in."

Reading flyers more curefully
substantally lowers the risk
of being the only one at
slimming world wearing
speedos and googles.

There was a muslim
kid in my class in
school who was
notorious for being
late to everything.....we
called him 9/12

Did you hear about
the American who
thought that a Royal
Enfield was somewhere
the Queen keeps
her chickens.

My mate just called to
my door at 3am 3AM
LIKE!!lucky for him I
was awake playing
the drums.

[Bikkie]

"When will BMW
start selling
automated cars?"
"Probably soon but
I've seen nothing to
indicate it."

I've started a
business selling
Muslim womenwear.
Monday sees the
grand opening of
BurkaKing.

[Bikkie]

More Bond Remakes:
Coonraker,Chicken Royale,
From Russia With Drugs,
You Only Steal Twice,
The Spy Who Robbed Me,
Octowhitebitchpussy,
A View From A Cell,
Drive By Another Day,
Spooktre.

Producers have decided
not to go ahead with
plans for a black actor
to play 007.He couldn't
drive an Aston Martin
50 yards without getting
pulled over.