What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

What's the difference
between ed sheeran and
man city?
Ed Sheeran's fans go and
watch him play ( and can
fill a stadium )


Jesy Nelson left little mix
because she says the
pressure off looking as
good as the other girls not
to her.
Ironic two of her band
mates will end up fatter
than she is with sagging
tits.


Spike Lee has announced
that he is doing a new
boxing documentary, this
time Orlando Cruz, the
world's first openly gay
boxer.
When We Were Queens is
expected to be released
this year.


- THE COVID-19
PANDEMIC -
The Pessimist ;
I got furloughed then
lost my job the price
of toilet rolls and hand
sanitiser went through
the roof, I couldn't go to
Marbella, I couldn't get a
Big Mac, the cinema and
Wetherspoons were shut,
Xmas was shit and my
Nan died.
Tho optimist;
Everyone had such nice
clean hands!


At a hearing at High
Wycombe Magistrates
Court on Tuesday, April
27,the court heard how
Helen O'callaghan... was
Caught on a speed camera
driving at 57mph...in
a 30mph limit... in a
Porsche... she pleaded
guilty and was fined £660
ordered to pay £156 costs
and had six points put
on her licence. A note
on the court document
stated that she would
not receive a driving ban
because of the impact it
could have on production
of the AstraZeneca
Coronavirus vaccine,
Stating "Mitigating
circumstances : bench
find exceptional hardship
- it is a condition of Ms
O'callaghan's employment
and in the current
circumstances, if she
were to be disqualified,
it could adversely
affect production of the
AstraZeneca vaccine."
She's Vice President,
Head of Quality at Oxford
Biomedica. Lets see-that
involves ensuring that
people apply controls
correctly and follow
processes and rules...
Respect to her brief,
though, for the original
and topical excuse.

[Piper]

What's the difference
between a black kid and
Nemo?
Nemo's dad looked for
him.


It's been reported that
Manchester United are
satisfied to have come
second in the Premier
League.
Isn't that a bit like sucking
the spunk off the cock
of your wife’s lover, and
claiming you have a great
sex life?


I bought my 12 year old
son an acoustic guitar
yesterday and he has
mastered 3 chords
already!
So now the Oasis full
songbook is covered he's
moved onto a new one.


Well I learnt something
today.
Never tell someone a
secret at the National
Town Crier Convention.


What if porn had
commercials. "Don't
bust a nut yet, we'll be
right back after a short
message about erectile
dysfunction.

[Piper]

Portugal is open for
holidays again and the
country collectively stated,
'we miss the British!'
Roughly translated this
equates to 'we miss the
British money! `


Susanna Hoffs was fooled
into recording the lead
vocal for' Eternal Flame '
naked, after hearing Olivia
Newton-John did that.
I wonder if she kept her
bangles on?


Scottish
Independence

If Scotland gains its independence in
the forthcoming referendum,
the remainder of the United Kingdom
will be known as the "Former United
Kingdom," or FUK.
In a bid to discourage the seats from
voting "Yes" in the referendum,
the Government has now begun to
campaign with the slogan "Vote No,
for FUK's sake."
They feel the Scottish voters will be
able to relate to this.


Manchester United's
Brazilian midfielder Fred
has been subjected to
racial abuse.
To be fair, naming those
small chocolate bars after
him is a step too far.


An artist was trying to
make a bronze statue of
Meghan Markle when it all
went wrong.
It came out half cast.


If Lady Nig-Nogs are supposed to
be black downstairs.
Why is it that Meghan has
a ginger cunt?


M people Singer Heather
Small, is a guest on I Can
See Your Voice.
She's moving on up.

[Piper]

Today a man knocked on my door
anu asked for a small donation for
the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.


Bit ironic Palestinians
naming their "freedom
fighting army" after a thing
Muslims hate and queers
love...
Ham ass.


My big ugly wife once
auditioned for X-Factor
and tried to sing "Vincent"
by Don McLean.
Even I was in stitches
when I heard Simon
Cowell comment, "This is
the day the music died."


I heard a gunshot go off
outside so I looked out
the window to potentially
witness and react to a
crime.
I thought "maybe it's just
a race," as I saw three
black guys taking off
down the street running.


If the Indian variant
vaccine isn't called the
Punjab, I'm giving up on
humanity.


"Love is like oxygen you
get too much you get
too high not enough and
you're gonna die"... Awww
isn't that Sweet?


I do love a gunfight in a
western movie.
I just enjoy watching
cowboys shooting their
loads into each other.
Oooooooooh


I approached this woman
with huge tits and said,
"If you go home with me,
those breasts will get
sucked on all night."
"Kinky are we?" she
smiled.
"No, I'm a single dad and
my 6-month old hasn't
eaten all day."


I can't believe that a
Prince, Prince Harry,
is trying to make his
upbringing sound as if he
was the little match girl.
The little match girl had to
work for a living.


"Holly Willoughby
frustrated as Phillip
Schofield explains why
They still can't hug on This
Morning"
She isn't a dude


Bandwagon time...

Indian covid... charity
album... songs

Korma chameleon :
Culture Club
Tears on my pilau :kylie
Poppadom preach :
Madonna
Can't curry love :Phil
Collins
Kebaby Love :The
Surpremes
Skip to the Loo :Judy
Garland
Sikh and destroy :
Metallica
Rice Rice baby :Vanilla
Ice
Chapatti on my shoulder :
Cock sparrer
Go man go ( chutney mix.)
Alice Cooper.

[Piper]

After my sex-change
operation to look like my
Idol Shania Twain, I ran
around shouting,
"Man I feel like a woman."


A soldier in WWll was shot
but coins in his pocket
stopped the bullet.
It was his life savings.


Jessie Wallace has
Shocked Twitter by
offering a young actor a
minge to cry on.
I bet it is stronger than
smelling salts.


Sports Flash : Harry Kane
says he wants to sign for
Manchester United as
he loves to hear the fans
singing "He's one of our own,
he's one of our own"...

[Piper]

It has been revealed that
Palestine has sent one of
It's covert operatives to
infiltrate Everton football
Club.
Hamas Rodriguez.


BBC Sport "Spurs to be
cheered on by 10,000
fans tonight at White Hart
Lane."
Which is good news for
Harry Kane, as it will
get him used to playing
in front of that many fans
before his big Summer
move to the Council
House.


Demi Lovato has declared
herself non-binary as
not male nor female nor
LGBTQIAPK. Not so much
non-binary as non decimal.


You're either non-binary or
you're not.


Gwyneth Paltrow's
company is being sued
after man claims that her
'vagina' scented candle
exploded on him.
To be fair, he probably
shouldn't have been
fucking it.


Friends : The Reunion
trailer has been aired and
it features an emotional
Jennifer Aniston asking
"Where's the tissue box?"
Great minds think alike.


Subway is opening a
sandwich making college
in Liverpool.
Everyone there is already
great at making things
inbred.

[Piper]

After reports of Dr who
actor John Barrowman
getting his cock out in
public... his Character
will be remamed either
Captain Jack off or
Jumping Jack flash.


Demi Lovato has told the
world what her favourite
pronouns are.
"Me, myself and I"


Like Demi Lovato my
preferred pronouns are
also they/them. Not
because I am non-binary
but because I choose
to identify as multiple
people..

A few days ago when
the mask rules in the
USA became slightly
relaxed, President Biden
counselled non-mask
wearers to "be nice to
mask wearers."
Like anyone will ever dare
confront anyone wearing
a face - nappy again


Former BBC reporter
Martin Bashir deceived
and induced Princess
Diana's brother to secure
a bombshell Panorama
interview with her
BBC director-general Tim
Davie has made a full and
unconditional apology
after the findings in Lord
Dyson's report. He added,
"Before anyone asks, we
genuinely don't know if
Prince Andrew sweats."


Niggers are like
mechanical pencils.
I fill them with lead.


What is an example of
irony?
Niggers wearing
rope chains.


A bloke in the shop
coughed in my face.
"It's ok," he said. "I'm fully
vaccinated"
Not against broken noses
he wasn't The cunt.


There's now an avian
strain of coronavirus.
One flu over the cuckoo's
nest.


My wife's had a second
jab today
And she will get a third if
she keeps pinching my
kebab meat.

[Piper]

Leeds United were conned
into €13 to FC
Freiburg for a crocked
German defender who
has managed just a couple
of games.The club and
fans have branded them
robbing cocks.
Who is this player you
ask................ Robin Koch.


Martin Bashir fucked up
over the Princess Diana
interview yet was rehired
by the BBC five years ago
as their religious affairs
editor.
Apt, as he would be
perfect as Bishop Bashir.


I've finally sussed the
main problem The Duke
of Sussex faces everyday,
Unlike in a previous 'job'
he now no longer has
half a dozen SAS soldiers
to protect him from the
everyday realities of the
life he chooses to live.



"I drunk a week's worth of
Alcohol on Friday night"
'Prince Harry'
"I drink a week's worth of
Alcohol on a Friday night"
'Tom, Dick and Harry'


Prince Harry he'll never be
King of England.
Don't worry mate, there's
always pound land.


A bullet train driver
in Japan has been
disciplined for taking a
toilet break at 150mph.
Must've ate some bad
sushi.


A Scottish student has
been attacked by a
Black rhino and her calves
in South Africa.
Luckily for him the even
rarer male black rhino had
already fucked off before
the calves were born.


Russian Ultra discount
supermarket Mere
(. Svetofor.) has
landed in the UK to
challenge Lidls and
Aldis.
I guess it's true, it is
the Russians who end
all wars... And they
don't need a fucking
carrot mascot to
get your money in
their till.

I remember watching a
Star Trek episode when
there were some cute little
fur balls that consumed
and took over everything
in their path and were
born pregnant. I couldn't
help wondering if Gene
Roddenberry could've
been sued by the Pakis
at the time for breach or
copyright.
I think he got away with it
though by making them
cute.


I said to the assistant in
HMV, "I've looked in the
Classic Rock section, but
I can't find any Freddie
Mercury albums."
He replied, "Have you
looked under Heavy
Metal?"


What has McDonalds
and a red light got in
common?
My wife always drives
through them.

[Piper]

Give a man a fish and he'll
eat for a day.
Give a dog a toffee and
you'll piss yourself for half
an hour.


Our poor little snowflake
Princelet, Harry Hard-Done-By,
seems contented with his
dominottrix Miss Whiplash
Stern (. also known as
NutMeg ).
Seems she got a grip
on his balls whilst
nutmegging him.
Apparently it put a smile
on your face and helps
you protect your privacy
whilst doing the rounds of
TV shows and shouting
to the whole world about
your suffering! My heart
truly bleeds for him!
Harry, I feel for you, but
not the way NutMeg does!
LOL


I love Quinten's jokes
and oooooh! that. But I
am not sure about this
homosexuality business.
Something about what
They do leaves a nasty
taste in the mouth!

( credit: Barry Humphries
as Dame Edna Everage on
the Russell Harty Show,
1970's )


I looked down at my newly
born son and as I thought
of the difficulties his
condition was going to
cause him; the prejudices
and discrimination he was
going to face, and I felt
the tears rolling down my
cheeks.
Today's society is no
place for a white able
bodied male.

[Piper]

Arsenal fans living in The
Congo as they have been
inspired by the message
on the players shirts to
"Visit Rwanda."


Discussing winning his
first Champion league
final today Rio Ferdinand
said it was to get the
monkey off your back.
Ironically his wife Kate
will be thinking the same
half an hour after he gets
home tonight.


Manchester United and
my ex wife have the same
thing in common
They both play better
away from home.


Joel Glazer goes into the
dressing room.

"Hey all you guys did
swell today and what a
win. I am so proud of
you all and what we have
achieved this season well
done. Everyone of you is
the pride of Manchester
tonight,. And where's the
manager, where is he?"

The players part and point
him in the right direction.
Glazer goes straight over
to him and shakes his
hand.

" You had done so well
this season we will have
to look at getting you a
big bonus and improved
contact. I am excited
about what we can do
in Europe and in the
league next season. And
hey, I'm sorry about the
whole Super League thing.
Now, I can see you have
something to say to me,
So come on spit it out.
What do you want to say? "
" Well Thank you for all
the wonderful things you
have said, the boys and I
appreciate it. However, I
think you are at the wrong
football ground. " says Pep
Guardiola.


I prefer my women like
Parmesan cheese...
Strong and shaved.


Mother-in-law in the
back of the car (. boot? )
Spent the whole journey
whingeing and giving
extraneous advice on
driving. Eventually we
arrived and I reversed
parked into a vacant slot
at the road side.
Mother-in-law "Why do
men always back into
parking spaces?
Okay everyone, join in
" Because we can. "


" Thousands gather in
London for Palestine
solidarity march. "
It's 2,226 miles to Gaza.
I doubt they'll do it by
supper time.


New No. 1 in Bolton
I got flu babe
Sunni and Shi'a

[Piper]

Breaking News :

Prince Harry critical of
early relationship with
Father.
Yes, because he wanted
a girl not a big girl's
blouse you balding ginger
whinging snowflake
tosspot.


Prince Harry has
compared growing up in
the Royal Family to living
in a zoo, which ironically
is where he met his wife.


Only Princess Harry
could go and make such
a specific statement like
that he never rode on the
back of his dads bike,
appealing for symphony
from the everyman, 25
minutes before they
release a picture of him
on the back of his dads
bike being chauffeured
around the family estate.
If he starts sobbing about
how he never got to shag
Emma Watson im going to
find him and I am going to
slap him.


David lcke has thrown
me out of the guild of
Conspiracy Theorists after
just 18 months.
They don't like it when
they come true, apparently.


Police have apologised for
mistakenly arresting a fan
after The Wolves v Man Utd
game for chanting monkey
noises at Rio Ferdinand
who was in the stands
commentating on the
match.
Turns out it was just
Marcus Rashford shouting
up to see if Rio fancied
joining him for a drink
afterwards.


I got asked what was the
most politically correct
thing I'd ever heard,
"Easy," I replied, "all
politicians are cunts."


How many Indians does
it take to change a light
blub?
2 million. 1 to change
the blub and 1,999,999 to
overrun the country dilute
it's heritage, traditions and
society, swamp the NHS
and the universities, and
fuck any chances of the
prosperous that life your
forefathers built for your
children.

[Piper]

Spider-Man, for those of
you who haven’t seen
it, here is a brief plot
summary.

A teenage boy gets bitten
by a spider.
When he awakens next
day he realises his body
has undergone several
changes.
His body strength has
increased significantly,
particularly his arms
which allow his to grip
any surface.
Also, he can now shoot
white smelly sticky stuff
out of his body.


Can't wait till this
Pandemic's over. First
thing I'm going to do is
visit my local cinema...
They're showing the Mask.

[Piper]

Just to let you know I had the Russian
Covid-19 vaccination yesterday and I can
honestly tell you there are absolutely no
negative sideffski efectovski secundariosvki
kto Mo 'lke-3To npouNTaTb O60 ' Tka Ho
BnaANMNpa #nyTNHa!


"Prince Philip 'leaves three
key staff money in his
£30m will'..."
I can understand him
leaving money to his
footmen, but can't
understand what he
left that chambermaid
£50,000 and a lifetime
subscription to PornHub.


BBC News "County lines :
1,100 people arrested in
UK crackdown.
The head of the police
operation said his
previous experience on
the Dukes of Hazzard was
a great help.


The BBC has. commissioned a new
reality TV series based
around a group of moped
riding barely employed
Pakis living in Manchester.
It's called "keeping up
with the DoorDash-ians"


"India YouTuber arrested
for 'flying' dog with helium
balloons".
His flying dog trick
is nowhere near as
spectacular as his hot dog
trick.


After Pochettino failed to
win the league title with
PSG in France, Tottenham
Hotspur want him to
return to England and fail
to win the league title with
them.


What's the difference
between Man united and
driving a car?
You're still in the game in
a car after 11 penalties.


Why did they make
Courteney Cox?
Because Lisa Kudrow.


BREAKING NEWS :
Duke and Duchess of
Cambridge stopped for
fish and chips in Scotland.
The last time William
was in Scotland he wore
Tartan.
The last time Harry stayed
in Scotland he ordered a
Tartan room.
And got both.

[Piper]

At 72,how does Francis
Rossi manage to maintain
the status quo


Sir David Attenborough
announces his latest
endangered species
documentary and cause.
It is called "saving the Last
White British Humans."


"Chelsy Davy confessed
relationship with Prince
Harry was 'scary and
uncomfortable"
He wanted her to dress
as a minstrel wear black
face, and call him Massr
when they had sex.

[Piper]

20 years ago "Doing a
Giggsy" meant dropping
your shoulder and leaving
the full back for dead.
Fast forward to now and
it means dropping the
nut on the skank you are
shagging because she's
on the rag and doesn't
fancy a threesome.


I got into a row with
a Maori earlier when
he saw my tattoo and
accused me of cultural
appropriation.
Did I mention he was
speaking English.


Ironically, I only hire
whites and Asians on my
farm.
I dare not put a scythe in
the hands of a black man.


Well done Manchester City
and Manchester United
on maintaining social
distancing from European
trophies.


"Prince Harry suffers huge
US backlash - 'If you don't
like it here, head back to
Britain."
Fuck off we've just got rid
of him!



Why pay advertising fees
for 2 gaylords to advertise
Magnums using the
medium of dance?
Just name it, Fagnum.
There, it wasn't difficult.

[Piper]

A pilot almost crashed
claiming a passenger
tried to grab hold of his
controls.
There's nothing wrong in
having a feel around in
another mans cockpit.
Ooooooh


From what I've read in
various publications it
would seem that Marianne
Faithful wasn't..

"Three child policy won’t
solve China’s birth rate
crisis, say experts."
They're not trying to.
solve it, they're trying to
outbreed India.

[R650R]

https://youtu.be/ii_rx-_yPeU

[Piper]

There's a guy at my work
who's got one leg shorter
than the other, we call him
the snipers nightmare.


Breaking news : Scientists
have discovered that
bears shit in the woods.
In other news : Letting in
3,000 people a week in
the build up to eventually
banning flights from India,
is responsible for the
growth of the India variant
in UK.


I had a Gucci tattooed on
my ball sack.
Just in case the missus
starts mithering for a
designer bag again.


Ministry of Defence's new
diversity chief takes aim
at armed forces "Sexist"
ranks including rifleman,
airshipman, and airman
She must be a petty officer.


BREAKING NEWS : Heinz
spends £140m as ketchup
production returns to UK
after 20 years.
Heinz, fed up with having
It's ketchup bottles
squeezed by the EU, is
moving to the UK where
They get their bottoms
smacked.


WHO renames the Indian
variant 'Covid Delta'
as all mutant strains
are rebranded to avoid
'geographic stigma'.
Now everyone hates
Greece.


Fed up? Bored? Need a
fresh challenge?
Well forget scuba diving,
abseiling or learning to
play an instrument. Try
mastering wiping your
arse with your other hand.


I was asked earlier today
what was the best piece
of advice I was given.
Apparently never go down
on a nigger wasn't what
the interview panel was
expecting to hear.
Fuck em. Didn't want to
work for The BBC anyway.


June is, "Gay Pride,"
month.
I don't mind them being
gay but I don't want a
whole month of them
ramming it down my
throat!


It's gay pride month
prepare to be bumbarded
with the crap on TV and
social media...


Jonathan Ross, wanting
to know what seed Andy
Murray would be at this
year's Wimbledon, asked
how he ranks.
The official response
from the All England
Lawn Tennis and Croquet
Club is; "Like any other
miserable ginger Scottish
cunt, with his right hand."


What's the difference
between Jesse Lingard
and Mr T?
Well they're both black
and they ain't gettin on no
plane.


I'm being accused at work
of being an Enoch-Powell
type of racist reactionary
by the new Diversity-Initiative
people to the
degree I'm told I could
be imminently facing the
sack, so to make a show
of liking the "vibrant"
ethnic woke culture like
They want to see I've made
a point to start wearing a
hoodie!
I haven't had much luck
though and I'm still getting
a lot of criticism that
my hoodie is "white and
comes to a very high point
at the top."

[Piper]

"Sarah Ferguson Bombshell On Prince Harry!!"
Fuck me, did she shag him as well?


Prince Andrew drove through traveller site set
up outside the gates of Windsor castle.
With Ghislaine Maxwell inside, he has to find
his own.


That Indian variant is
spreading quicker than
Katie Price's legs.


England v Austria and the
pitch looks well watered.
It was a good decision to
interview Harry Kane on it.


It was Quenten’s birthday
last week so I invited him
to come on a bender.


Right now, I would say
that Covid is more popular
than any Muslim.


Why do Muslims always
win races?
Because they fast.


Just got an email from
Ticketmaster :
Guns 'n' Roses are playing
at Tottenham Hotspur
stadium
I hope they win.

[Piper]

Should the IPL cricket be
resumed?
The UAE have offered to
supply the venues.
China has offered to
supply the bats.
Decisions Decisions.


England Cricketers - when
on the field make sure you
turn your collar up and
wear as much sun block
as you would if you were
in the middle of fucking
Calcutta. It makes you
look really cool.


Prince Andrew drove
through the Traveller
camp outside Windsor
Castle. We all need
someone to feel superior
to.
Thought the Travellers


BREAKING NEWS :
Virgin Radio launches a
dedicated station for the
LGBT community
The playlist will consist
of Chaka Khan 'I'm Every
Woman'.... ON a loop.


Virgin Radio have
announced their new
dedicated LGBT radio
channel.
The station where they rip
the knob off for you.


New British Tank unable
to reverse over objects
over 8 inches and unable
to be driven safely over 20
mph.
Solution found as now
British Army buying new
French tanks ( that can
overcome any obstacle
when reversing and can
also travel at 50 mph in
reverse ) and putting turret
on back to front.


As I sat there scratching
my ass, and spying on
my neighbour washing he
beaver, one thing crossed
my mind.
We have really weird pets
in my neighbourhood.


I saw something
extremely rare in London
today.
A black man using a knife
to cut food on his plate.

[Piper]

Having been replaced as
8th in line to the throne by
Harry's new baby, Prince
Andrew has said that he
doesn't really mind being
right behind a little girl.


Meghan and Harry have
named their daughter
Lilibet.
I'll wager their next son
will be called Fred.


So another royal baby is
born.
As a celebration I must
bake some chocolate
chimp cookies.


So the new royal niglet is
called Lilibet, in honour of
Meghan's great, great, great
grandmother and wife of
Kunte Kinte.


Meghan and Harry have
named their daughter
Lilibet.
Sounds more like
Ladbroke's odds on how
white the kid was gonna
be.


Lilibet was born at
11:40am local time 19 :40
BST, weighed 7 lbs 11 oz
and is now "settling in at
home."
She is the Queen's 11th
great-grandchild and is
eighth in line to the throne.
Nevermind all that... Just
tell us the shade.


After announcing the birth
of their daughter, Harry
and Meghan revealed
she came into the world
saying Piers Morgan is a
cunt.


"Harry and Megan
announce birth of baby
daughter - with name to
honour Queen and Diana"
Something tells me 'Er
Indoors won't be too
happy with Elizabeth
Beyonce Shaniqua Diana
Windsor.


Harry and Meghan' s new
born daughter really is the
full set.
She is a ginger, posh, baby,
definitely scary, but at
the moment probably not
sporty.


Harry and Meghan take
parental leave from their
jobs after revealing the
birth of daughter Lilibet
Diana.
They were very lucky to
get their leave approved
from that 'Doing Fuck All
Pty Ltd' outfit.


The new royal baby has
been named Jamie Hewitt
Mountbatten-Windsor in
honour of her grandfather


If Harry and Meghan got the
name of Lilliput, from
reading Jonathan Swift's
book
Gulliver's Travels. Then
thank goodness they did not
read Herman Melville's
Moby Dick!


BREAKING NEWS : Proud
father Prince Harry
registered new domain for
Lilibet Diana royal baby
name
GO DADDY.


I was in this whorehouse
and before the lovemaking
began I changed into a
giant novelty tampon
costume.
"What the fuck are you
supposed to be?". she asked.
"Prince Charles."


Donald Trump speech
in N. Carolina, "2020
election was Crime of the
Century."
I thought that was
Super Trump.


In America, far-right
religtard Fox News -
watching mugs are
proclaiming that August
will see 'the Second
coming of President
Trump.'
If there's any justice in this
world, he'll be receiving a
'second coming' from his
cellmate by then.


Just seen an advert
for BT's Hope United
campaign against hate
in football featuring
Henderson Rashford and
Bale.
I'm afraid I just can't
get on board with this,
because the only time
I use the words Hope
and United in the same
sentence is in conjuction
with the words I, fucking
and Lose.


Tom Cruise has to self
isolate after 14 people
tested positive for covid.
Tom is reportedly furious
and the set director said
"Fuck off Tom you cunt"


The Russian army orders
100k rubbers from a US
company, specifying 12"
fit needed.
The US firm fills the order
with packaging marked
"MEDIUM."


There's a new version
of Liam Neeson film
where his daughter is
abducted, this time with a
black actor.
Token.


Indiana Jones 5 starring
Harrison Ford 78,is
set to finally begin after
long delays installing
wheelchair access.

[Piper]

In North Korea if you are
found watching TV shows
deemed unsuitable it is
now punishable by public
execution.
I thought this was harsh
until my wife said, "Ooh!
The Masked Singer is on
later!"


The BBC is fucking shit,
they couldn't pay me to
watch the shite they churn
out under the guise of
'Entertainment ".
Unless of course they do
' The Masked Pornstars '


" Take it off!
"Take it off!
" Take it off!
They all shouted.
"If you don't mind I'm
trying to rob this bank,
Shut the fuck up!"


"Websites begin to
work again after major
breakage."
Luckily horseporn.com
was not affected so my
morning has been pretty
standard.


Aardman Animations
announced a remake
of their classic
'The Wrong Trousers, with
a guest appearance by
Donald Trump.


There's a new variant of
Covid in the USA they are
calling the' Trump ' variant.
It only affects people
wearing adult diapers.


Andy Murray's missus is
divorcing him because
every time he's about to
enter he pulls out...


What has Radiohead and
BLM got in common?
A lot of crying and
moaning with no real
purpose or meaning.

[Piper]

News Hollywood is
developing a Black
superman movie.

I can see the jokes
now.

* He's the Man of Steal.

* He really was
abandoned by his parents
as a baby.

* His krytonite is an
honest day's work.

* He uses X-ray vision to
evaluate cash points.

* He is able to leap tall
buildings while evading
the police.

* He's faster than a
speeding bullet in chatting
up fat blonde slags.

* He can stop a
locomotive while robbing
all the passengers.

* He uses a phone box
because his mobile was
cancelled.

* He sold his parent's farm
to pay his gambling debts.

* His gang is called Crips
Tonight.

* He can only see his kids
with supervision.

* His birthplace has been
changed to Cape Town.

* He got sacked from
the Daily Planet for poor
grammar.

* He's Jimmy Olsen's only
Black friend.

* He refers to Lois Lane as
his prison bitch.

* All the White
superheroes know they
can't measure up.



Lilibet...
Because "paddy power"
was deemed a bit too Irish
and bet365 was taken.


Harry wages war with The
BBC. A bit insensitive of
him. She probably just
has a bit of post natal
depression.


The Queen is allegedly
outraged at the Duke
and Duchess of Sussex’s
decision to name their
new baby after her
childhood nickname,
Scheming witch.


All this fuss about
whether or not the Queen
gave permission for
'Lilibet'!
For fuck sakes, they were going
to call her a nigger name
before Oprah turned them
down.


Lil lbet. The new west
coast Rapper.


The football Association
has appointed a new
woman boss, Debbie
Hewitt........
Expect rule changes for
the goal minder.


The England and Wales
Cricket Board has vowed
to take "relevant and
appropriate action" after
questions were raised
publicly about historical
tweets from several
England players.
They must be employing
Facebook moderators.


"Ooh don't be so silly, my
wife giggled," I don't know
anything about football. "
" That's OK, " the BT Sport
produces said, " You'll fit
right in with the rest of our
female pundits.


"The England Cricket
Team have gone too far in
suspending Ollie Robinson
and accusing him of
making racist tweets.
We are a multiculturally
sensitive family who
pride ourselves on social
awareness"
Said his brother, Tommy.

[Piper]

Piracy is killing the music
industry.
You try playing the guitar
with a hook...


Gay Pride Month. A whole
month where gays can
be proud of something
they had no control over
because they've got fuck
all else going for them.


I don't know why the
gays get a whole month,
I thought they were the
masters of packing a lot
into a very small space.


Barbie is being made into
a film by the BBC.
Dianne Abbott has been
offered the lead role.


News: Washington state
offers free joints to people
who get the jab.
So far, I've been
vaccinated 7 times.


So, there is new
strain of Marijuana called
Grassy Knoll...
It is sure to blow your
mind.


When it comes to
women's cricket how
many ovaries are there?


Do women cricketers
enjoy a full toss in the
crease and the umpires
finger going up?


Gary Glitter is being
allowed to help out at a
nursery to integrate him
into society and live a
healthier lifestyle.... He'll
be getting five of his one
a day.


I see a crocodile and
president Macron have
both been smacked in the
face on the same day.
I can understand why
someone would want to
hit a horrible dangerous
reptile but why would
anyone try and hurt a
crocodile?


Man slaps french
president Macron then
screams "s'il te plait ne
me blesse pas" ( that
means 'please dont hurt
me ) it's the French war cry.


French president Macron
has been slapped in the
face y a man shouting
"Montjoie Saint Denis!",
the battle cry of the
French army.
This is astonishing news.
The French army have a
battle cry?


Some people say football
is their religion.
Because it's still a really
good way to exclude
women and homosexuals.


I heard something
unbelievable today that
the biggest cause of
death during Covid
lockdowns has been
"Dementia and isolation,"
especially amongst the
elderly.
It seems to me like it
should have been "covid."


A farmer in Wales has
trained his sheep to sing
the songs of a famous
Irish band. He now plans
to take them on tour.
Ewe 2 will be performing
in Cardiff next month.


Boris got back to number
10 after a week of lying
and cheating only to find
Cliff Richard waiting for
him,
"What the fuck are you
doing here? Where's my
missus?" Said Boris
"She fucked off," Said
Cliff, "Carrie doesn't live
here anymore."

[Piper]

I can’t believe a bunch
of idiots were letting
fireworks off last night six
months early!
My poor dog was going
nuts and knocked my
Christmas tree over.


Under a new diversity
reorganisation Ikea have
now opened the doors
for people with reduced
mental capacities to work
there.
So it won't only be the
product with a few
screws missing then.


LA TIMES : Women in
South Korea are mocking
men's penises in resurgent
Feminist movement.
Very progressive. It won't
be long before they catch
up with western feminists
and start hating women.

[Piper]

Red Bull F1 have sacked
Max Verstappen for
breach of contract
when he applied for the
job it specifically said "No
tyre kickers"


"That's just typical of you"
said the Mrs, "I can't take
you anywhere without
you embarrassing me,
Pride Month is an annual
celebration and tribute
to those brave men and
who were involved in the
Stonewall riots to protest
the treatment of LBGT
+ people in New York 52
years ago."
After she had finished
berating me, at length,
I emailed the local
newspaper to place a for-sale
advert for 2 male and
11 female Lions.


To show allegiance to
BLM, Ben White has been
told to change his name
to Been White.


Statistically Chinese
prostitutes make twice
as much money as other
nationalities.
This is because, after
you've fucked them, you
feel like fucking them
again an hour later.


Intense gym excersise
can lead to motor neurone
disease..
One of the first symptoms
is an inability to swallow..
That's why you'll never see
Elton John in a gym.


Poland and Iceland drew.
Iceland have a habit of not
losing to the English.


The world health
organisation has no sense
of humour. If they did they
would have called the
Indian variant "cobra"


BBC Breaking News :
White called up to England
Euro squad.
We'll it'll be good to have
at least one there.


The LGBT community
in Istanbul have several
events going on in June
to celebrate Turkish flat
bread.
It's gay pride month.


It's utterly ridiculous that
you have to wear a mask
to watch a football match
in a sparsely attended,
open-air stadium.
Lip readers can't tell if
fans are shouting Boo!
Or Coon! either. That's
something, I suppose.


The Crown bosses are
struggling to find a boy to
play a young Prince Harry
in series five because of a
shortage of black ginger
actors.


I love this sunny weather.
Short little miniskirts and
low cut tops.
Mind you if it wasn't Pride
Month I'd probably be
getting some funny looks.


As the young Arsenal
winger heard noises from
the crowd, he turned to
the England manager and
asked if they were booing.
"No" said Southgate
nervously They're saying
"Boo-kayo - Saka! Boo-kayo
Saka!"


I've always had an
admiration for bands who
name themselves to suit
their appearance. Like
Motley Crue, The Specials
and The Misfits.
Oh, and The Floaters.


There's a guy online who's
trained his dog to bring
him beers from the fridge.
That's nothing.
Mine does that, plus
cooks, cleans, washes
dishes and sucks my
cock.
The wife goes mad at him.


Daily Telegraph online
comment on Elton John
by Robin Sudlow
11 Jun 2021 1. 40PM
Musically sound, but
his diction has become
appallingly hard to
discern.
Quinten Crisp couldn't have
put it better...


Piers Morgan has
criticised model Emily
Ratajkowski for the way
she held her three-month-old
son in a photograph.
For once I agree with
Morgan.
You couldn't see her tits.


What goes black red black
red black red black red
black red fuck?
Me losing a fortune on
Ladbrokes roulette.

[Piper]

I was gutted to
hear Ned Beatty from
Deliverance had died. I
was squealing like a pig
when I was told.


"There's a new ad for KY
jelly. They have a photo of
a banjo and the slogan,
" nobody should have to
squeal like a pig. "
" Do they do home
Deliverance? "

[Piper]

As a tribute to Ned Beatty,
fans have been asked to
wear their trousers at half
mast.


They are so stupid in the
deep south of America.
They call a jam session
between a city-slicker
guitar player and a banjo-twanging
simpleton as 'Duelling Banjos'


"I started wondering
whatever happened to
the inbred kid who played
the banjo in Deliverance
Yesterday."
"What because of the
news of Ned Beatty's
death?"
"No. I was watching the
Scotland game at
half time I saw Darren
Fletcher."


This time Lisa Banes is
the Gone Girl.


BBC News :
"Humpback whale gulps
and spits out Cape Cod
lobsterman."
That's odd, I thought
the fat ones always
swallowed seamen.


A paraglider has landed in
the stadium hosting the
France V Germany match.
The French immediately
ripped the all white kit off
the Germans and waved it
at the invader.


The last time a German
parachuted down on a
bunch of Frenchmen was
in WW2.


Hey Greenpeace, should have
got the Queen to do it-she
knows how to parachute
into a stadium.


What does the universe's
largest known star VY
Canis Majoris and a Labia
Majora have in common?
They both lead to black
holes.

[Piper]

I saw a headline which
made me think of how
disgraceful it is that
the privileged, entitled
dominant majority abuse
their country's oppressed
minority footballers just
for not playing well.
"Sweden's Marcus Berg
suffers online abuse after
miss"


Scotland play England on
Friday.
Or from Nicola Sturgeon's
point of view, "The Tories
are gonna to thrash us."


Wales are unbeaten
without Ryan Giggs.
Like his ex.


So Cristiano Ronaldo
made it very clear he
doesn't drink Coke.
Well Michael Jackson
didn't drink Pepsi, but he
didn't set his hair on fire...


Cristiano Ronaldo making
records again as the first
36 year old footballer to
say no to Coke.

Scotland lost a match
Czechmate.


N'golo Kante covers every
blade of grass every leaf,
every piece of bark on the
tree.
What else do you expect
from a monkey?


Looking at the back
of the internal router
the code looks like
Lady Gaga's lyrics.
RRRRAAA5678HHA
RRROOOMMMAAARRROOHH
MMMAAHHl+H4791RRROOHH
GGGGAAAGGGAAAOOOHNNL

[Piper]

Shares in Coca Cola have
dropped by 3 billion since
Ronaldo basically said it
was shit on live TV, people
are so easily influenced.
So come on then Ronaldo,
how about calling the
Conservatives a bunch of
cunts then?


Spurs fans,
This Sunday from 10am
-6pm there's a Covid
vaccination event taking
place at Tottenham
Hotspur Stadium for
people aged 18 and over.
So get yourselves down
there, and you'll finally see
some shots going in...


The question was asked
how could England
mare Harry Kane pass
a lot more regularly and
accurately.
Easy, put him on
Mastermind.


Did you know that if you
watch the film "Taken"
on mute, it’s about an
old bastard who stalks a
young teenage girl across
the globe. Finds her at a
prostitution ring auction
and kidnaps her.


It's ladies day at Ascot
and both Sarah Jessica
Parker and Katherine Ryan
were said to be furious
when they were refused
entry into the VIP entrance
and directed towards the
stables.


Completely
misunderstood pride
Month. Does anyone want
to buy 15 Lions?


I was playing football
manager on my PC when I
got offered the Spurs job.
I realised it was a shit
squad with no future
so I put the phone down
and got back to playing
football manager.

[Piper]

Following loads of kilt
wearing Scotland fans
travelling down to Kings
Cross, LNER have had to
bring in extra cleaners to
remove all the skid marks
from the train seats.


Harry Maguire has
declared himself fit
enough to face Scotland
as he now only has one
leg in plaster.


Harry Kane bought an Old
English sheepdog.
When he got home his
wife said, "No way. I can't
handle all this fucking
dribble. And it would be
twice as bad with the dog
too."


I was at work cleaning
the shit and spunk of the
floor of an abattoir from
the slaughtered animals.
Hard dirty smelly graft on
minimum wage. A spade
and bucket in my hand
for twelve hours a day. I
then got taken into the
office, a phone call for
me, fuck was I surprised.
It was only Daniel
Levy offering me the
Tottenham job. I looked at
my manager in disbelief
and said,
"For fucks sake, give me
my bucket and spade back
please."


England knelt to virtue
signal to the braying woke
mob.
Scotland knelt because
they thought England
dropped a tenner.


My fat, naked wife lying on
the bed has just reminded
me of the Scotland v
English match.
The first half is acceptable
with a couple of stray
bouncers but the second
half is a fucking disaster
that ends in a pish ridden
tunnel.


Harry Kane's
performances for England
so far in the tournament
arn very similar to my sex
skills.
Like him I don't do much
in the bed, lack energy,
disappoint massively and
Finally end up finishing
sooner than expected.


I missed the
highlights of England v
Scotland
I blinked.

[Piper]

Virgin Radio have a new
decimated LGBT + channel.
They hope it'll help lezzas
get into the groove.


Last time Queen went
platinum it was a night at
the opera.


A tsunami that hit
Scotland around 8,200
years ago could devastate
entire towns if it happened
today, according to new
research.
But there's no need to
worry, Nicola Sturgeon's
doing a firm job of it all by
herself.


BREAKING NEWS :
GOVERNMENT HEALTH
OFFICIALS OFFER ADVICE
TAKE THE JAB,
YOU'RE FUCKED ANYWAY.


As you get older, things
become harder and harder
every day.. Except your
cock.


Michael Portillo was
behind me in the queue
at the Costa Coffee
concession at the train
station earlier looking
resplendent in orange
blazer, blue shirt and
yellow socks.
Before I had time to ask
He said, "Yes. I am filming
one of my Great British
Railway Journeys."
"Flat white for the trip
then?". I enquired, to which
he replied in an incredibly
camp voice.
"Actually I prefer a long
black. Oooooooooh."



It's Pride month.
I have two sons and I'm so
proud they're straight.


Here is a quick guide
to the variants new
names, which have been
destigmatized.
Old, UK New
Alpha
Old, South Africa. New,
Beta
Old Brazil. New
Gamma
Old, India. New
Delhi

Who ( world Health
Organisation.) have said
the covid variants should
be given Greek letters
from now on.
UK scientists are worried
about the rapid spread
of the lota Nu Delta lota
Alpha Nu variant.


There's a new mutant
variant of Covid-19
moving like a ninja via the
sewers of New York.
I bet it was started by that
dumbass, Michaelangelo.


If the answer is "The
whole fucking lot of it"
What is the question?
How much of the £587.42
in my ISA would I give
Rhian Sugden to take a
shit on my chest?


Love the fact that June
is dedicated to shagging
Filthy slags with well
stretched cunts.
Happy Gape-Ride month
everyone


Operator : 911 what's your
emergency?
Caller : I saw a black guy
get shot!
Operator : Did you get the
shooters badge number?


Taking his lead from Ronaldo, at the post
game press conference Scotland captain
Andy Robertson removed the sponsors Coke bottles and said, "Drink Buckfast."

[Piper]

France are among the
favourites to win the
Euros.
Being French, I can see
them running away with it.


Scotland ;two games, no
goals. The last Scotsman
to have more than one
shot on target was
Thomas Hamilton at
Dunblane.


"Tokyo Olympic athletes
warned not to use 160,000
free condoms.
I guess they'll have to limit
themselves to 159,99.


France drew with Hungary
at the Euros.
Their style of play can
certainly raise some flags.


"'Sterling' the most
inappropriate name in
football.


A family in the news
claim that their holiday
to pontins was ruined by
pissed up people smoking
drugs all day!
Sounds like a good
holiday to me.


Why will China never win
an international medieval
sports championship?
There's too many chinks in
their armour.

[Piper]

Scotland want's to ban
Manchester people from
entering Scotland except
for essential purpose.
To be honest, I'm from
Manchester and it would
have to be pretty fucking
essential to get me within
a hundred miles of the
place.


Covid tests for Mason
Mount and Ben Chilwell after
their interaction with Billy
Gilmour in the tunnel
worth then getting HIV
tests too, just to be on the
safe side.


Can we find a video of
Sterling hugging Billy
Gilmour so he has to
isolate too?


Gilmour had to self isolate
due to Covid. He sent a
message to his mates :
Wish You Were Here.


Scotland player Billy
Gilmour has been
diagnosed with COVID-19
and is isolating for 10
days.
England players Mason
Mount and Ben Chilwell
are temporarily self -
isolating after what's
described as interaction
in the tunnel with Gilmour
following the Euros game
on Sunday.
These footballers will
have a fucking threesome
anywhere.


Stephen O'Donnell
has had his Scottish
banknotes refused
at the shops near the
teams training ground in
Middlesbrough.
Luckily he still has sterling
in his back pocket.

[Piper]

Sky Sports : Manchester
City make £100m bid for
Tottenham striker Harry
Kane.
Presumably no one
at Man City bothered
to watch England v
Scotland...


Scotland’s Billy Gilmour
tests positive for Covid.
Anyone that’s been within
2 metres of him will have
to self isolate.
So the England midfield
needn't worry.


Scotland get their first
positive result at the
Euros.
It's Billy Gilmour and he'll
need to self-quarantine.


Carl Nassib, who is the
first active NFL player
to come out as gay, was
recently traded from the
Las Vegas Raiders to the
Green Bay Packers. He
goes from being an Anal
Raider to a Fudge packer.


Carl Nassib become first
active NFL player to come
out as gay.
I don't know much about
American football but
I'm guessing he's not the Tight
End?


Carl Nassib becomes first
active NFL player to come
out as gay.
He's now looking for a
wide receiver.


England have to finish
third in the group for an
easier route in the Euros,
So they should lose
tonight's game.


After their performance
against Scotland that
shouldn't be too hard.


England QUALIFY for Euro
2021 knockout stages
despite not kicking a ball.
They'll still fuck it up
somehow.


I'm looking forward to the
England v Czech Republic
match later.
With the realisation that
the group winners will be
facing France. Germany
or Portugal I'm expecting
a good open game with
plenty of own goals.


Breaking News - England's
Mason Mount and Ben
Chilwell will miss the
game against the Czech
Republic as they self-isolate
because of a risk of Covid-19
experience.
They’re looking through
Billy Gilmour's eyes.


NFL linebacker Carl
Nassib comes out as gay,
and changes position to
tight end.


Stephen Hawkins final
unfinished book is going
to bo published at last.
It's about time.


I get locked down
then I get out again
Wish somebody would
write a song about it.


Prince Harry has been
edited out of a royal
family photograph
marketing Prince Williams
birthday!
Nevermind don't worry
Harry, maybe James
Hewitt can edit you into
one of his.


BBC News - A Scottish
pensioner has become
a great - great - great -
grandmother with six
generations alive at the
same time. Mary Marshall,
86,has a total of 90
grandchildren, great-
grandchildren, great- great -
grandchildren and great -
great - great - grandchildren.
She says she is forgiven
for not buying Christmas
And birthday presents as
she is Scottish.


Why is it guardian readers
are offended if you call
Caitlyn Jenner Bruce but
insist on calling Tommy
Robinson yaxley-lennon?.

[Piper]

So some transphobic
people are making a
fuss that a New Zealand
female weightlifter
actually used to compete
as a man.
Look, you have to accept
that Down Under some
female weightlifters are
different.


The founder of McAfee
anti-virus was found dead.
That's a reminder to us all,
to keep our vaccinations
up to date.


My name is Luka. I scored
the second goal. I sent the
Scot's back home.
Yes I think you've seen me
before.


What do you call a blimp
with lots of light-emitting
diodes?
LED Zeppelin.



Breaking news
Late addition to the
Queen's Birthday Honours
List.
Billy Gilmour awarded an
MBE for getting Scotland
their only positive result in
the Euros.


Just watched BBC news
where an asian woman
described the world of
politics as dominated by
people who are Male Pale
and Stale "....
Well done you have
managed to be Sexist
Racist and Ageist in one
short sentence.


I never had Homer
Simpson underwear but I
did once have Apu in my
pants.


The Bank of England's
new £50 note featuring
the portrait of Alan Turing
has entered circulation.
No doubt their existence
will remain an enigma to
me.


Sports Direct have
reported a surge in sales
of France, Germany, Italy
Portugal, Holland, Croatia,
Belgium and Spain shirts.
The Glasgow branch
manager is struggling to
deal with demand.


Billie Eilish apologises
for mouthing an apparent
racist slur in a resurfaced
five-year-old clip.
She can no longer play
cricket for England.

[Piper]

My wife and my feminist
daughter just spent
The whole afternoon
badgering and haranguing
me hard about going in to
get the "vaccine" ( which
I'm not going to fucking
do )
I told told them both. "I'm
surprised you two are SO
concerned about this with
me, as the way you talk to
me about everything else
you sound like you could
care less if I am even
alive!"
"This really isn't about
your health, It's just about
us exerting power over
you."

My idea of heaven
would be eating a
Cadbury's flake out of
Scarlett Johansson's
minge, but sadly no...
the producers of BBC's
Saturday Kitchen had
other ideas.


"What's your problem?"
"What the fuck were you doing?"
"That's was your fault"
"No, it was your fault, you didn't look
where you were going. People like you
shouldn't be allowed to drive"
"Fuck You."
" No, fuck you, fucking woman.
Anyway, that's the end of your test.
Now get out."


Great to see Arnold
Schwarzenegger taking
pest control seriously.
He's an exterminator.


Fuck you Germany, come
back and gloat when
you've won two world
wars.


Croatia has a smaller
population than Scotland
yet do well in major
competitions.


Who was Man United best
ever Captain?
I'd say the pilot who flew
the plane home in 1958.


Headline :

"South African 'diamonds'
turn out to be quartz
as thousands of
disappointed Africans
rush to site."
Sometimes these jokes
write themselves.


My local dealer just sold
me some hash brown


Meghan and Harry
'did not want to use Earl of
Dumbarton title for Archie
because it contained the
word' dumb ' and they
thought he would be
bullied.'
Still preferable to the Earl
of Dumbarton.


I met a woman in a bar
who told me to take her
home and dominate her.
So I took her to my flat,
turned on the Xbox, and
absolutely fucking ruined
her on FIFA.


Afghanistan still on Red
list for British tourists,
Quarantine for 11 days in
a hotel on return.
I'll settle for 11 days in the
hotel thanks.

[240]

Mate I don't wanna be rude but you do realize that most people have no fucken idea what the majority of your posts mean? Maybe filter out the pommy stuff which makes no fucken sense AT ALL

[Piper]

I've just bought shares
in Paint Wizard and Dent
Magic ahead of Tuesday’s
game. There’s a killing to
be made fixing all those
dents and key scratches
on BMWs, Audis and
Mercedes outside
Wembley.


Just walked into a pub in
Scotland and said, "Bitter
luv." she said, "Yeah, but
what would you like to
drink?"


Gay Pride
The truest oxymoron.


"Hello Mr Brown, come
in."
"Thank you Doctor. This
is my beautiful wife, so
what's the diagnosis?"
"You have erectile
disjunction."
"Is there anything I can
do?"
"Yes. I recommend a visit
to SpecSavers."


I just saw an audition
on YouTube for AGT
( America's Got Talent ).
Where a 5 member
"boyband" called "The
Other Direction" hilariously
performs as a group that
is the exact opposite
sexual orientation as "One
Direction"
Basically they are 5
guys that are completely
straight.


Do you remember, as a
child, always being told
what you can and can’t do
by your parents?
"Get your elbows off the
table" "Stop picking
your nose" "Don't sit
too near the television"
"Eat all your vegetables"
"Wash behind your ears"
The one that really
annoyed me was. "Don't
eat in bed," yet when you
went into their bedroom
the next morning there
were yoghurt stains on
their bedspread!


Britney Spears expressed
serious opposition to the
conservatorship that gave
her father control over her
finances and personal life.
She feels the
convervatorship has
become an oppressive
and controlling tool
against her.
I'd be her daddy with a tool
against her she wouldn't
mind.


Britney Spears in court
this week
'I'm sorry to everyone for
pretending to be alright'
That's alright love we
all know your music's
crap we just wank over
the videos with the mute
button on.


I like my women like way I
like my vinyl speeds
16
33
45
78


Quinten Crisp picks
his men like his record
collection.
7 inches will do, but he
likes a proper 12 incher
preferably black.
Ooooh.


I've just started a new job
and my female boss is a
proper MILF
Minging Ignorant Lesbian
Feminist.


The Chav's Lord's Prayer

Our Father, who art
in prison, even mum
knows not His name, thy
Chavdom come, you'll
read The Sun, in Exmouth
which is in Devon give
us this day our welfare
bread, and forgive us our
ASBOs as we happy slap
those who got ASBOs
against us, lead us not
into employment, but
deliever us free housing, for
thine is the Chavdom, the
burberry and the Bacardi
for ever and ever.
Innt

[Piper]

What next? Gay Daleks?
Exfoliate! Exfoliate!


Captain Jack Harkness,
"Doctor, I don't think this is
going to fit!
Doctor," Oooh, don't worry
about it sweetie... It's
bigger on the inside! "


NEWSFLASH : Quinten
Crisp to be the next
Doctor who
Woooooo oooooo
Woooooo oooooo.........


Gay Olly Alexander is to
star as TV's time lord.
Doctor poo


OK, The Doctor's going to
be a faggot, but at least
the Tardis will be able to
reverse park again.


Will the new Doctor be
picking up blokes and
giving them a ride in his
turdis.


T. A. R. D. I. S

Taking A Rigid Dick Inside
Shitter....


The new Doctor loves his
little blue police box, I've
heard he's very fond of
truncheon and helmet as
Well ooooooooooo


Dr who has gone from
Time Lord to Gaylord.


The next Doctor is
gay.
The Tardis is having back
doors fitted.


Well who'd thought...
Looks like Ronaldo is
now having less touches
over summer than Matt
Hancock.


Mission : Impossible 7
filming is paused AGAIN
due to a positive Covid
test on Tom Cruise.
He had to stand on a box
to catch it.


Queen extends an olive
branch to Prince Harry
and a banana branch
to Meghan Markle as
She invites them to her
Platform Jubilee.


A man goes to see a
doctor.
"Doctor," he says, "I think
there's something wrong
with me. Every time I hear
Beyonce's voice I have an
orgasm."
"Funny," he replies the doctor,
"that’s what my daughter
used to say about R. Kelly
many years ago."

[Piper]

No wonder France lost.
It's very confusing when
your opponents disguise
themselves as your
National flag.


Southgate has been seen
with Harry Kane at a
brothel in London today.
Obviously trying to teach
him to score.


Just watching Spain v
Croatia on ITV with that
female manager
commentating.
If I wanted to listen to
a woman talk complete
shit whilst I was watching
a football match I’d get
married.


'US air regulators want to
stop saying cockpit'
I'm not sure calling it a
'glory hole' will work any
better.


BREAKING NEWS : Native
Americans want meeting
with Harry and Meghan
over fears the Sussexes
are using HOLY WATER
to irrigate the grounds
of their $14.7 million
California mansion.
How.


DR OOOOH


Dr Who is set to meet his
greatest adversaries yet...
The Weeping Arseholes.


The TARDIS ( Taking
Unlimited Random Dicks
In Shitter )
You can fit more in Doctor
Who's Anus than it seems.


I've took my poodle
Bowsie Wowsie to the
BBC to audition for the
part to be the next Doctor
Who assistant. Hopefully
he will get to be Gay-9.
Oooooooh.


First a woman now a gay
Doctor who.... fuck knows
what he's going to do with
his sonic screwdriver.

Ever since the BBC let
the woke mob write the
scripts, Doctor Who has
turned into a real bummer.


Knock knock

Who's there?

Doctor

Doctor who?

Can you use the back door
please.

[Piper]

BREAKING NEWS :
Serena Williams out of
Wimbledon.
She slipped on a banana
skin.


The German team already
have towels on the seats
on the plane home.


"Who's left back for
England tonight, Chilwell
or Shaw?"
"Not sure. "
" So Chilwell. "


"I like Football, I like
kicking the football.
football is good"
-Jack Grealish


I take back everything I
said about Kane.
Turns out he gives good
head.


Sour Krauts!
England 2 - Germany 0


For sale. One Geman team
football shirt. Only worn
for 85 minutes.
Apply Steve Clarke
Scotland.


This feels like deja vu
France has gone home
early and left England to
deal with Germany.


After the game.

"Well Mr Beckham, you
looked a bit upset with
that brilliant result against
the old enemy"
"It wasn't the result, it was
when that fat ginger cunt
sitting next to me started
singing."


Oh happy day today
Less than 48 hours now
till the end of fucking
'Pride Month'


Xi Jinping warms up to
celebrate 100 years of
China’s communist party.
Progress has been so
impressive, that they're
still eating bats.


Somewhere in the world a
Chinese man is sitting in a
revolving chair, stroking a
bat and giggling his ultra-rich
tits off.


Evidence that Covid must
have come from China.
They’re the only people
with dicks small enough
to fuck bat's.


A Golden moment for
substitute Artem Dovbyk
scoring the winner for
Ukraine last night and
coming out as a tranny
wearing a bra in his goal
celebration.
LGBTQRSTUVWXYZ
+ groups are furious
about the yellow card for
removing his blouse.


After the Indian mutation
there's a fast spreading
new variation of Covid-19
that has caused most
state employees to phone
in sick with symptoms
today.
It's called the England
Germany variant.

[Piper]

Freed from prison and
straight on stage with his
tribute band.
'Cosby Still Noshes
Youngs'...


Serena Williams out of
Wimbledon due to an
injury from slipping on the
wet court.
Looking forward to rain
getting cancelled now so
we can get the most out
of the summer.


People are saying England
are getting off light
with the euro bracket
match ups giving them
soft competition.
Pfft, that is nothing, did
you see who Ukraine
drew?


Where does a French
soldier go on holiday?
Iran.


What's the difference
between a Nigger and a
bicycle?
... One doesn't sing 'Old
Man River' when chained
up.


There's a brothel by mine
doing a Euro 2021 theme

Spanish : You get a free
Tapas every time the girl
cums.

Swiss : Sex in a pool of
melted chocolate.

Turkish : Includes a kebab
afterwards.

Belgian : A small boy
pisses on you.

Croatian : You get brutally
gang raped by 4 soldiers
and left for dead in a. ditch.


Miles Daley 28 year old
Black tennis coach says
"Tennis is too White, Too
male and too posh"
In other news NBA 74.2 %
Black. Who do I convey my
outrage to??

[Piper]

Martin Keown, "Is there
anything better than a
good football match on a
Friday night?"
I suspect Martin has never
sniffed a few lines of coke
off an 18 year old's tits to
start a weekend off.


Ukraine hasn't surrendered
this easily since the last
invasion.


Ukraine haven't had a
meltdown this bad since
1986


The rules for players
outfits at Wimbledon
are that they should be
"predominantly white"
I assume from the original
rules in 1877 when the
players skin had to be
"predominantly white"


US 100m sprint champion
Sha' Carrie Richardson has
been disqualified from
the Olympics after testing
positive for cannabis.
If anything, they should
let her compete and give
her a head start. Last time
I got Chinese-eyed it
took me twenty minutes
to get to the fucking
kitchen.


TV presenter Ryan Clark-Neal
has revealed he has
split from his husband.
Should've gone slower and
used more lube


Rylan no longer in denial.
Bloody Cortana! Rylan no
longer in Dan Neal


I need your clothes, your
motorcycle and your
pronouns.
I'm the Transinator.


Pussy juice is like peanut
butter.
Some like it smooth,
others prefer the crunchy
variety.


When looking at the
TARDIS, most people are
mystified by how so much
can fit into such a small
space
But not the new Doctor.


Damn! I really wanted that
Race Relations Counselor
job, but I failed the
interview.
They asked what I thought
about someone being
badly treated but then
themselves behaving
badly towards other
people,
In retrospect "Clearly
two blacks don't kak
a white" wasn't the ideal
answer.


Though For Tne Day:

Did you know that falcons
usually live until they are
about 14 years of age?
That means the world’s
current population of
these were all born
after the year 2000 they
are all Millennial Falcons!


The other day I saw a
road sign that screamed,
"speed kills. "
Which is why I buy it only
from reputable dealers.


Unfortunately, I'm going to
have to get the COVID-19
jab to be able to fly.
I probably won't even need
a plane to afterwards
either.


I know TV shows are
trying to be more inclusive
by showing more blacks,
but crimewatch are taking
it a bit far ain't they.


Just watched the black
version of This Is Your
Life... Or 'Crimewatch' as
its more popularly known.


My gay son actually made
me laugh when he was
mocking that cack-handed
Loris Karius.
He said, "Oooooh, they
should instead put me
in goal... I NEVER drop a
ball!"


I thought I had turned over
to a program about the
hippopotamus but then
realised it was just Andy
Murray with his mouth
wide open after scoring a
point at Wimbledon.


A painting by Picasso that
was stolen nine years ago
during a heist at a Greek
gallery has been found.
The gallery manager said,
"I never thought to look in
the fucking bin"


Was out celebrating
England's win last night
when the mrs pointed out
some gay bloke with his
boyfriend...
She said, "that's Tom Daley
the world's champion diver"
I said, "Fuck off, there's no
way that cunt's been near
a muff."


If you hold an opened
bottle of water to your
ear....... You can hear
the sound of marketing
men pissing themselves
laughing.


"The Gypsy Kings" have all
turned queer.
Now to be renamed, "The
Nipsy Mings"


We have severe wet gale-like
conditions in the area. today
My wife's just seen a 6'6'
black guy.


How do you make a gay
man fuck a woman?
Shit in her cunt.


I was in bed with my wife
lat night.
"Are you thinking of
another woman?" she
snapped.
"Erm... of course not
babe," I replied. "What
makes you say that?"
"You have an
erection."

[Piper]

They say you shouldn’t
see the bride before the
wedding because its bad
luck.
Not for me, it wasn't
I jizzed in her twice before
the groom walked in.


Thought Of The Day :

Someone who's half black
and half white.
Shouldn't they be grey?


Isn't funny how English
words often have a
different meaning in
America.

Like, fanny means
backside in America

or,pants means trousers

or,show me your drivers
licence means. You got
less than a minute to live
Nigger.


Bad day at the ceramics
factory.
A guy got fired.


In a library :

"I'm looking for a book on
sexual innuendo"

"It'll be in soon".

"Yes, that's the one"


I got arrested during the
post match celebration
of England's victory over
Ukraine.
I saw a hot chick wearing
an England tshirt with the
words 'MOUNT' written on
the back.
And I did that.


Coffins go up in smoke
at large fire in Northern
Ireland. Eighty firefighters,
10 fire engines and four
special appliances were
at the blaze at the coffin
makers in Strabane on
Sunday afternoon. Police
say it was lucky nobody
was in

[Piper]

History is littered with
angry little despots who
can't handle not getting
their own way and take
it out on the rest of the
world.
Hitler, Mussolini, women.


Did you hear about the
suicide bomber with the
Bill Haley obsession?
Before detonating his vest,
he screamed "See you
later Allah hater"


A priest walks into a
pub and orders a pint of
Guinness.
"There you go" says the
barman. "but I warn you
we don't tolerate any
religious conversation in
this pub"
"Far be it from me", replies
the priest. "In fact, I bet
you a drink that you
mention religion before I
do."
"You're on." says the
barman.
So the priest sips at his
pint, plays a couple of
records on the juke box,
goes to the Loo, comes
back and flops his cock
out on the bar.
"Jesus Christ" says the
barman.
"Thank you," says the
priest. "I'll have a large
scotch."


When my wife came back
from work, I blindfolded
her, led her upstairs, and
span her around a few
times. We stopped and
she opened her eyes.
That gave my girlfriend
enough time to get
dressed and sneak out
through the back door.

[Piper]

I was chatting to a proper
MILF in the pub yesterday.
"I'd love to see your big
hairy cunt," I said.
"Well today's your lucky
day then," she replied.
"Really? I said, getting
excited.
" Yep. He's standing right
behind you. "


NEWS : Covid passports
at big events could save
10,000 lives, says Tony
Blair.
Presumably, because
unvaccinated Muslims
wearing rucksacks
wouldn't get in.


" Gay BBC Sports pundit
wins sex harassment
claim after male
colleagues at her previous
Network Rail job taunted
her saying she was only
a lesbian because she'd
'never had a real man'
or maybe she's never had
a real man because she's
a lesbian.


Spot the difference
between Jeremy Clarkson
and Duke Ellington.
One likes Caravan's and
the other one doesn't.


When I was told Jordan
had scored, I wondered
what the fuss was all
about.
The I realised it was a
different Jordan.


It was on tne BBC News
the other morning there
was this insufferable
black guy moaning about
"structural racism" whilst
at the same time of this
"oppression olympics"
this arse-ugly bulldyke
feminist was moaning
about being hopelessly
held back by "The
Patriarchy"
At that moment my son
said to me in the sweetest
and most truthful
innocent naivete I'd ever
heard-"Dad, why don't
They just stop whinging
and change it to how
they want, they already
completely rule and
control everything!"


"If you fucking let me stay you cunt"
and "Fucking dance little sister you
fucking slut" by Tourettes Trent
Darby...


My father used to say, "That's for me to
know and you to find out."
Great dad, fucking hopeless Detective inspector.


They say that if you rest one of your
testicles on the top of an empty beer
bottle and heat the base of the bottle
with a lighter, the testicle will eventually
be sucked inside. If anyone has
successfully reversed this process,
can you please let me know.
It's quite urgent.


As I sat there scratching
my ass, and spying on
my neighbour washing her
beaver, one thing crossed
my mind.
We have really weird pets
in my neighbourhood.


Did you hear about the gay
Bill Haley fan?
He got the choc around
his cock tonight.


Quinten Crisp and I went
for an espresso in Rome
before the match.
I said, You're loving the
weather girl. "
Quinten replied," I am, plus
Ukrainian men! Hallelujah,
Ukrainian men!! Amen! I'm
gonna go out to run and
let myself get absolutely
soaking wet! "

[Piper]

There's going to be
ugly scenes in Glasgow
tonight, whether or not
England win.
The women will be furious
when the men get home
and realise their heroin
money's been wasted on
Denmark shirts.


US Poll : 86% of Democrats
but only 45 % of
Republicans have received
at least one jab.
So, natural selection at
work?


My penis is a bit like Denmark and Spain.
It can't do better than a semi.


Denmark went down like Emma Raducanu at
Wimbledon.

[Piper]

Katie Price said if the
England team win on
Sunday, she will strip
naked, spread her legs and
all the players can enter
her.............. At the same
time.


NO SPECTATORS
ALLOWED AT TOKYO
OLYMPICS!. I’ve never
laughed so hard,. Charley
and Camilla, Wills and
Kate, Boris, Rooney,
Beckham, etc, they will
all be in at home or in the pub
watching like the rest of
us. ( Yes, pub. Camilla likes
Her pint of stout ).


BBC : UK dad saves
Unconscious daughter’s
life with mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation.
I think that’s known in the
legal profession as the
'Cosby defence.'


Famous last words -
Put your foot down driver,
these cars handle like a
dream.
Dodi Fayed.


What do you call
the authentication
information used to enter
the Danger Zone?
Kenny Log-ins.

[Piper]

Richard Branson’s space
ship travels 90km into
the atmosphere. But the
international definition
of space is 100km from
Earth. Typical Virgin, not
going all the way.


The Aborigines claim to
have been in Australia for
40,000 years.
To be honest, you'd expect
to find a bit more evidence
of than that the invention
of the stick.


My mate has Parkinson's,
loves cocaine and is a
massive England fan.
He always has three lines
on his shirt.


NEWS : Overweight people
will be given supermarket
discounts and shopping
vouchers to help them
lose weight.
That's a bit like giving Gary
Glitter faster broadband.


What do you call a
Chinese - Scottish football
fan?
Jok Wai Ning


Whoever was shining the
laser in the eye of kasper
Shemeical at Wembley
when he was trying to
save a penalty, you're
an idiot and should be
ashamed of yourself.
Next time use 2 lasers,
one in each eye


My wife's worried about
my obsession to complete
my collection of Beatles
records.
"You need help," she said.
"No I don't."... I've already
got that one. "


Organizers of the Devon
and Cornwall music
festival have been arguing
over the first act on the
main stage.
They can't decide whether
it should be Cream or The
Jam.


Last nights penalty shoot
out was doomed to fail
like comminist Russia
did...
The U. S. S. R.... Uselesss
Sancho, Saka and
Rashford.


After the match I asked
the wife if she could cheer
me up by letting me do
anal with her.
"More chance of a nigger
scoring a penalty!" was
her reply.


BLM....
Black Legs Miss


Black misses matter


Black Lives Matter
campaigners calling for
a week of looting and
rioting.
After shocking TV footage
of WHITE goalposts not
moving for 2 black men.


How ironic, England spent
The last four weeks arse
kissin ' BLM...
... only to have vital
penalties missed by
coons.


Italy have won Euro
2020, their first European
championship since
1968,beating England on
penalties after 1-1 draw
in the final at Wembley.
Boris Johnson has called
an urgent enquiry to see
if three Nigger's who
missed the penalty's are
indeed English.


Marcus Rashford MBE.
An accomplished
footballer.
A heroic and erudite
campaigner against child
poverty, homelessness
and hunger.
Didn't leave him a lot of
time for practicing his
penalty kicks though!


Cue the KFC ad
starring Rashford, Sancho
and Saka.


After watching that
penalty shootout i wonder
if Black lives still matter in
England.


"When you lived in South
Africa, what did you call
stupid black people?"
"Fucking kaffirs,". I replied.
"Now that you live in
England, what do you call
them?"
"Footballers," I said.


Look on the bright side
we don't have to endure
listening to clueless
women trying to talk
about football for another
18 months.

[Piper]

I saw a black muslim
Elvis inpersonator on an
unaired audition for BGT.
Jamal Shukup.


What's got two black eyes
and fucks niggers?
A shot-gun.


What do you get when
you cross a nigger and a
Ginger?
A Jaffa.


England world cup 2020 official song

Don't blame it on Pick Ford,

Don't blame it on Harry Kane,

Don't blame it on Maguire,

Blame it on the Nig-Nogs.

Darkies can't, Darkies can't, darkies control
their feet.

[Piper]

"I'm a believer in
affirmative action.
If there's a list for a
prominent position of
national importance, it
is important that we put
young black men high
on that list. The idea of
a meritocracy simply
entrenches white privilege
and supremacy "
"Well Mr Southgate"
replied the sports
journalist "That was
not the answer I was
expecting to the question
of why you brought on
Rashford, Sancho and
Saka to make penalties"



My mate said, "fucking
English, always going on
about 66"
I said, "C'mon mate, they
won the World Cup, that's
massive."
"No, not, that," He
replied, "fucking 1066."


There are so many
English players that
have missed crucial
penalties in shoot
outs that those of us who
haven’t will soon be a
minority.


Scottish rag, The
National, caused a bit of
a stir with their support
of Italy by printing a
picture of Roberto Mancini
depicted as William
Wallace with the caption
"We can't take another '55
years' of them banging on
about this."
William Wallace defeated
the English back
in.... em.... 1297


Traffic wardens, don't
bother putting a penalty
on Marcus Rashfords car
if it's illegally parked
He'll only miss it


Jamaica is planning to
ask the United Kingdom
for compensation for the
Atlantic slave trade.
Well, they can have three
back straight away...


After the racist comments
aimed at black English
football players it appears
there is only one way to
stop it.
Stop picking those players.


I guess Jadon Sancho
won't be taking many
penalties when he arrives
at Man united. £73M seems a
lot of money for a nigger
who can't kick a ball 12
yards?


I've been saying for years
I have a solution to stop
the racist abuse that
footballers recieve online
in an instant.
Stop blacks from taking
penalties.


Richard Branson
flew his Virgin Galactic jet
into space, but technically
he only made it to the
very edge of Space and
had only 4 minutes of
weightlessness. So if you
barely touch the edge and
last only a few minutes, I
think that’s still a Virgin.

[Piper]

I've always thought of the
Italian football team as
the Macbeth Witches
"Fair is foul and foul is
fair."


Jadon Sancho has said
that "hate" will never win.
Well, that might all depend
on if it goes down to a
penalty shootout out with
England.
In that case, I would say
"hate" has got a pretty
good bloody chance of
winning.


Jadon Sancho: England
star says "hate" will never
win.
Nor will the inability to
kick a ball. Oddly that
seems to be a condition
which only white-folk
-exhibit-aparently-


Marcus Rashford will be
missing for United for the
first few months of the
season...
Business as usual then...


Meghan Markle teams up
with Elton John's husband
David Furnish to produce
an animated Netflix series
about a '12-year-old girl
who finds inspiration in
influential women'
Are there no one's
coattails she won't ride
on?

[Piper]

48-year-old Richard Bland
won his first European
Tour title at the 478th
attempt at the British
Masters.
Still young and with
fewer tries than most
women testing for a
driving licence.


I'd be really disappointed if
the next Fast and Furious
film, isn't called "Fast 10
your seatbelts"


Jadon Sancho was due
to sign for Manchester
United today but he had
nothing to write with.
I threw him a pen but he
missed it.


Gillian Anderson says
she's never going to wear
abra again.
Away to go Gillian.
You've got my full support.


Cressida Dick is made
a Dame Commander by
Prince Charles.
Similarly, Saka, Rashford,
and Sancho are made
knight commanders.


300 ticketless fans
entered Wembley via a
disabled entrance for
England's Euro Final on
Sunday.
When asked by the
police how it happened,
a steward said, "we
honestly thought they
were genuinely disabled,
as they were all wearing
Spurs shirts."


Got beat up at Rashford
Mural. I only shouted to
artist Akse "It's very apt
that you missed a bit.


If TV and social media has
taught us one thing about
football in 2021...
You can't BLAME a BAME


Rashford, Saka and
Sancho played well for
their country. It's a pity
Rashford was playing for
St Kitts, Saka was playing
for Nigeria and Sancho
was playing for Trinidad.

Headline : England fan
who put lit flare up bum
and stormed Wembley
says, "I'm not sorry"
One of his friends
commented that he was a
bit of an arsehole.
Another added "Yes, he's
got a flair for it."


How things change. Saka,
Rashford and Sancho all
missed penalties, and now
people are saying that
niggers don't belong in the
field.


"hey Mr tambourine man
play a song for me"
What, on a fucking
tambourine?


If you had Velcro shoe
laces when you were a
kid. Be rest assured your
parents gave up on you at
an early age.

[Piper]

Officials are calling for a
ban on people who take
cocaine from entering
football grounds, after
loads of drugged up fans
invade Wembley without
tickets. It's a bit harsh, if
they've bought cocaine
how are they meant to
have money left for
tickets?


Scientists have discovered
that it is possible to
survive entering a black
hole.
Just be sure to wear a
condom.


My gay friend went to
have his covid vaccination.
When they told him that it
will be a jab in the arm he
said that he would prefer a
prick in the bum.


My big fat wife and
daughter unbelievably
confronted me with an
ultimatum today to get the
vaccine and said if I don't
they will no longer 'come
near me or spend time
with me!'
"Fuck, this is just by far
the best day of the year"


"Daddy" my daughter
said to me, "why is the
golf tournament on tv
called The Open?" I said
"Because it is open to
all the best players" she
replied, "why are there
no women in it dad?"
"Woman are all rubbish at
driving my darling."


The problem : Blacks are
reluctant to get the jab.
The solution : Tell them
they've immune from
paying child maintenance.


Stephen Fry once
described watching the
2005 Ashes as turning his
"bowels to water."
Yeah I don't think it was
anything to do with cricket
mate...


UK government had
announced plans to
incidents of racism online.
From 1 August there will
be a month long Amnesty
to return any stolen IT
equipment.
Boris famous for his 3
word slogans believes the
No, Internet, Nigger
Campaign will end internet
racism complaints.


Apparently, racist abuse
of footballers online will
trigger a ban on attending
matches.
Brilliant idea, that. I
imagine it would be easy
to enforce as well.
The person working the
ticket booth at Wembley
sees a bloke with a KKK
hat approaching the
stadium.
When he gets to the
booth the worker says,
"Hello, sir are you one of
those racists that abused
Rashford, Saka and /or
Sancho online?"
"No..."
"OK, come on in and enjoy
the game"

[Piper]

The NATO phonetic
alphabet is used to
identify new variants
of Covid-19 because
describing them after the
nationally of origin could
lead racism.
But what if the ninth new
variant comes from India
and the twenty-fifth one
comes out of the United
States?


BBC world service : North
Korea issues warning on
music citizens should
listen to.
Which leaves the question
dangling. Blur or Oasis?


The England fan who
stuck a flare up his arse
at the Euro final has been
described in the news as
'not the brightest spark'
They obviously didnt see
the footage.


Ordered some items from
Wish last year and they
still haven't arrived.
They should change their
name to You Wish.


Figures.... only black guy
You've got that can take a
penalty is Lewis Hamilton.


Have you noticed how
many Formula one drivers
have names linked to
Scottish Towns?
Stirling Moss.
Lewis Hamilton.
Eddie Irvine.
Ayr Town centre...


Reports of Stephen
Hawking having another
relationship with a
Black nurse tells me he
definitely had a thing for
Black holes.


Kieran O'Connor
Des O'Connor, Tom
O'Connor...
I reckon Sinéad should
start putting her affairs in
order.

[Piper]

Dear England team.

I'm an American lady so
I don't really understand
your Limey soccer, but I
was tremendously upset
by the overt racism shown
by so-called fans after the
final.

I was moved to tears by
the ceremony before each
match where your players
-both black and white -
made a touching gesture
asking for justice, a
position always favoured
by my own wrongly-
convicted son.

Yours faithfully
Mrs Chauvin USA.


Fellow racists to avoid
detection online can
I suggest we use
acronyms.
Indian - Tanned White And
Turban now a twat
Pakistani - Corner Using
Nations Trade cunt
African - Normally In Gaol
Goes Everywhere Robbing
and Stabbing - that won't
work
African wants our Goods
-still won't work.
Can anyone Find Fucking
African Response.


Kids nowadays have to
be double-jabbed to go
clubbing.
I know girls who used to
go clubbing to be double-jabbed.


Does anyone else who
watches Long Lost Family
on ITV, have the same
concern that Black people
are underrepresented?


"Abortion is wrong"

"My baby, my choice... By
the way you can't come in
here without a mask"

"My body, my choice"

"But you could kill an
innocent person"

"Check mate"


Everton FC have
announced they've made
a huge mistake in signing
Andros Townsend.
It was Pete they were
actually looking at.


When asked what his
favourite all-time tune was
Prince Harry replied :
Under Your Thumb, Godley
& Creme.


Wolf whistling and catcalling become crimes
to bring an end to 'public sexual harassment.'
So, only pelvic thrusts from now on.


I'm looking forward to
watching the football
at the Olympics. I heard
Rashford, Sancho and
Saka are all in the team. . .
Did I say Olympics? I
meant paralympics.

[Piper]

"Prince Harry under fire
for 'grotesque' 20M book
deal"
There wouldn't have
been so much outrage if
he hadn't called it "The
Ginger Prince And His Bed
Wench"


The Duke of Sussex, 36,
on Monday confirmed the
forthcoming release of his
autobiography, which he
has collaborated with a
ghostwriter.
Prince Andrew was
unavailable for a
comment.


News Headline :
"John Bishop of Dr. Who
fame in car crash avoiding
big chicken"
I expect that his big hen
bearing was the cause.


Feminist. If you hate men
so much, why do you look,
dress and act like us?


I like trout but I don't like
rainbow trout.
That's for the LGTB +
community.


BBC : Marcus Rashford
defends charity deals over
profit claims
Marcus Cashford?


In the 1961 film El Cid
the Iconic sea fortress
of Valencia was filmed
further down the coast of
the town of Peniscola...
Also famed for creating
an unsuccessful rival
brand to Coke and Pepsi.

[Piper]

Top Tip... two hits off a
crackpipe will get you into
outer space longer than
Jeff Bezos rocket.


What a waste of money..

What the hell were the
Japanese thinking,
sacking their Olympic
ceremony director for
antisemitic behaviour..?
It's still the transfer
window and the Labour
Party would've gladly paid
good money for him.


Prince Harry's latest book
deal to include a book for
children. Suggested titles?

G is for Ginger

The Black Princess and
The Magical Vagina

Who's My Daddy?

Grandma doesn’t like
Nignogs

The Whitest Witch of
Buckingham

Black Oprah wants to help


Sport's-Paralympics -

Because of covid the
Aussies and kiwis have
Pulled out of some egg
chasing world cup thingy
that I hadn't a clue was
about to happen here in
England.
Apparently It's the less
popular form of egg
chasing so far literally the
dozen or so people in the
UK who will disappointed
I send my heart felt
condolences.


New Zealanders, if you
hate being mistaken for
Australians so much, why
don't you just stop talking
like them.

[Piper]

I'm not saying Mick
Jagger's getting on a bit,
but he's bringing out a new
single called Hey, You Get
Off My Lawn.


Have you heard a certain very.
famous British model
is actually the offspring
of an affair between her
mother and Mick Jagger?
Personally, I don’t believe
it.
A Rolling Stone fathers no
Moss.


Mick Jagger is turning 78.
Just think in another
ten years time. "If My
calculations are correct.
When this baby hits 88
miles per hour, you've
gonna see some serious
s***"


I've got one of those
smart watches and it just
vibrated and read 'isn't it
time for a walk' ........
..... and what with my poor
eyesight I was sitting at my
desk with my trousers
round my ankles and the
tissues out........


BREAKING NEWS : Harry
will write FOUR books.
In an interview Harry said, I
am really looking forward
to writing this trilogy "


Driving Fast and Furious?
That's Ludacris.


The Tokyo Olympics
should be abandoned
because drug abuse is
rife.
It became immediately
obvious at the opening
ceremony, when the
athletes started waving
to the crowd in a empty
stadium.


China's Yang Qian won
the first gold medal of the
Tokyo Olympics, in the
women's 10m air rifle.
She did well to hold a gun
that long


My gay son recently
joined the Army because
They're now advertising
themselves as much more
"woke" and gay-friendly,
and also my gay son said
he wants to be just like his
"hero" Prince Harry!
and it seems the little
faggot is actually getting
his wish... he elated
on the first day of training
the officers already told
him that as an LGBTQ he's
a "protected class" and
like Prince Harry he's also
"much too precious to
ever actually see combat"


My Ducky Dennis will soon
be patrolling the streets
of Brighton as a special
constable.
He wont be allowed to
pack a big truncheon,
However I will look
forward to ironing his
uniform and give a lot of
attention when it comes
to polishing his helmet.
Oooooooh


Just had at thing come up
on my phone.
Emmerdale : Meena plays
with Leanna's ring.
Don't remember seeing
that episode.


Pikeys from the halting
site on the outskirts of
town are holding their own
Olympics.

1.( Bear knuckle ) boxing,
where they wear paws
of a grizzly.

2. Rowing. All have
practice, especially at
weddings.

3.Road race. Who can lay
the least tarmac then run
away the quickest.

4 Fencing. Who can sell
the most stolen chattels.

5.Hammer. Who can nail
hitting their opponent
hardest in the head with
it

6.Shooting.Rival drug
gangs.

7.Curling.Ohe off
competition.

8.Biathlon.For curious
cousins.

9.Triple jump. Three
brothers fucking the
younger sister.

No doubt all will be able
to steal a podium place and
a medal.



Former Ireland
international Neil Franics
has been sacked for his
"offensive" description
of British Lion's fly-half
Marcus Smiths skin
colour.
Francis described smith
as having "an Oompa
Loompa tan" which
caused widespread
outrage on social media
platforms
When asked for his
thoughts, a leading
member of the Oompa
Loompa community
commented, "Oompa
Loompa doompety doo
I'm not sure I understand
What all the fuss is
about, do you? Oompa
Loompa doompety dee.
Do these melts not realise
we are entirely fictional
characters who have no
need for anyone to take
offensive on our behalf
over a comment which
was, let's be honest,
intended as a joke rather
than any perceived racial
slur. It's all a bit mad
really "

[Piper]

Mick Jagger is 78 today.
At this point, the devil has
sympathy for him.


Serial nonce R Kelly is
facing fresh allegations of
sexual assault against a
young boy in McDonald's.
Apparently he exposed
himself through his Big
Mac.


That Prince Andrew bloke
has to be the luckiest
fucker on Earth. Born into
obscene wealth, nothing
but the best, the pick of
the world's women, ( mind
you, he married a minger )
protected from harm in
his army days, got away
with shagging kids, but
the fucking clincher, 100
degree temps out there
and the cunt doesn't
sweat.


Here I am sitting on the
decking sweating like a
priest at choir practice
thinking what a jammy fkr
Prince Andrew is not being
able to sweat in this heat.

[Piper]

Good on Tom Daley
winning a gold medal in
the diving as we know he's
not going to win prizes for
muff diving anytime soon.


Well done Tom Daley on
getting gold.
He usually only aims for
the bronze.
Ooooooooohhhh


Tom Daley should've been
a boxer. He can still take
a dive and get battered in
the ring.


Never realised how
much Joey Barton and
Giggs have in common.
Big house, flash cars,
money, hot girlfriends,
beating them up, physical
and mental abuse. Only
difference real difference
is Giggs was a footballer
and won 34 trophies.


Katie Price visited my
shop this morning. She'd
seen a ping-pong act in
a Bangkok nightclub and
wanted to recreate it for
her latest boyfriend.
Sold her my entire stock
of beach balls.


The Olympics are being
shown late at night, so
last night at 3 am. I tried
to convince my wife I was
on the computer watching
diving.

[Piper]

* DAILY MAIL *
'Should men be BANNED
from outside women's
fitting rooms? Woman
whose teenage daughter
felt uncomfortable during
her first bra fitting claims
it's' inappropriate ' for men
to linger'
I disagree with this, she
would never have known she
needed the next size up if I
hadn't of said anything.


I think the rules of
women's Olympics
volleyball it's, first cum first
serve.


Just been watching the
ladies weight lifting from
the Olympics.
The UK girl has a lovely
snatch.


Just read the headline
that pink is to pay
handball bikini bottom
fines.. Very disappointed when
I read the story, I thought
she'd been caught sniffing
them or something.

[Piper]

ZZ Top Bassist Dusty
Hill has died. I guess he's
been Eliminated.


Dusty Hill... Eliminated.


Report : Olympics wants
to cancel "sexualisation"
of attractive female
athletes.
I don't think they're going
to achieve much, I've even
had a couple of wanks
that I'm quite unproud of
to Laurel Hubbard.

[Piper]

I was going to go see The
Eagles, but I gave them
the bird.


R. I. P Dusty Hill...
Ashes to ashes, funk to
funky.
We know Dusty Hill was
never a junkie.
Not with that beard
anyhow...


Just seen that Charlotte
Dujardin with all her
medals pinned on.
I thought she was a
Korean General.


A further 30 black
students starting at
Cambridge over the next
three years will have their
university costs covered
as part of a scheme by the
rapper Stormzy.
I was unaware that
Cambridge required more
toilet cleaners?...


A new study has
surprisingly revealed that
the English city with the
highest - earners under the
age of 30 is not London,
but Liverpool.
Fuck me, the value of
copper wiring and car
radios must have gone up
recently.


I was watching the end of
the Cardiff to Tenby cycle
ride once and a woman
pulled up by me having
just finished the ride and
said to this guy that after
the ride she didn't have a
hair left on her fanny.
I said, "prove it."

True story.


Jodie Whittaker is to quit
Dr Who after becoming
the first female to play the
main role in the show.
Subtitles will be a must
when John Bishop
appears on Dr Who.......


I just got an uber or as
your mum likes to call it, a
hard on.


So Simon Cowell is
scrapping The X Factor
after 17 years.
About time Simon. We've
been telling you this for 17
years.


Simon Cowell has
announced that The X
Factor will be brought to a
close because he doesn't
want it to become a joke.
That horse has not only
bolted,. Charlotte Dujardin
has just won her 6th
Olympic medal on it.


I was listening to the
radio in the early hours
of the morning. The guy
was saying how the cox
was increasing the stroke
from 39 to 42 a minute.
I thought I could beat
that and felt quite proud
of myself. As this went
on for three minutes I
realised I couldn't have
kept it up for so long
and felt deflated. When
he said the French was
slipping a length behind
I turned the radio off. Filthy
buggers. Shouldn’t have
that on the radio, kids might
be listening.


The head of the Somali
Olympic squad has
apologised to officials on
behalf of their team, after
realising shooting and
sailing were two separate
events.

[Piper]

The BBC presenter said
that BMX riders are
incredibly fit.
I agree.
I've lost count of the
number of times I shot
my load watching Nicole
Kidman in BMX Bandits.


At the closing ceremony
of the Olympics it's been
suggested that Tom Daley
dives into five different
coloured rings.
Somehow I can't see him
having a problem with
that.


There has been a lot of
speculation about whether
Tom Daley is the bummer
or the bummee. I think
'hubby' just answered this
when he said, "I had Tom
daily and it made my hole
weak."


New dating app for Indian
people.
Swipe and sniff.


Caitlyn Jenner on NBC
telling us she's loving the
Olympics, specially the
rowing.
So it's cockless
watching the coxless.


The Japanese
embarrassingly forgot the
name of a GB athlete at
Tokyo 2020.
Ujah Thinkheis?


You know the Olympics is
being held in Japan when
the top three athletes are
handed rising sunflowers
at the medal ceremony
and the digital Tokyo
Philharmonic Orchestra
plays all other countries
national anthems
incorrectly.


Just ate some peppered
mackerel. My fingers
smell like Paula
Ratcliffe's knickers after a
marathon....


Carrie Johnson reveals
she is expecting a
'rainbow' child with PM
sounds like Boris is
already trying to get the
LGBTQ + vote at the next
election.


Katie Price is apparently
having another facelift!
Bit of a risk.... The one
underneath might be
uglier than the fucker
she's already got!


The worry for female
athletes used to be : "will
I be on my period during
competition"
Now it's will my balls
pop out of these skimpy
shorts "


How does Prince Andrew
get into parties?
He says the Royal Mail
has a small package for
the birthday girl.


Football is the biggest
load of shit I've ever seen.
If I wanted to spend hours
watching a load of black
people passing a bit of
leather to each other I'd
visit a Nigerian prison
camp.


Ironic isn't it! All those
number ones Elvis had in
his life... and he ended up
dying on a number two!!

[Piper]

They showed Tom Daley
at the Olympics.
There is a real knitting
Nancy.


Over in Tokyo, it’s the
men's gymnastics Rings
finals.
No surprise to see Tom
Daley sniffing around.


Now there's even more
opportunity for every little
girl who ever dreamed
of winning a gold medal.
They'll just have to grow
some balls.


Transgender weightlifter
Laurel Hubbard is out of
the Olympics.
She failed to produce a
valid snatch.


Seen the first trans gender
athlete at the Olympics
today win a gold medal.
Just shows that men are
better at everything, even
women's sport.


Just seen that kiwi
transgender weightlifter
Laurel Hubbard on the
news...
Don't know about Laurel
the fat fucker looks more
like Hardy to me.


US shot putter Raven
Suanders has been
accused of breaking
Olympic rules by making
a political gesture on
the podium, lifting her
arms above her head and
forming an X with her
wrists.
Asked what that meant
she told reporters : "It's the
intersection of where all
people who are oppressed
meet. She added " Let
them try and take this
medal.
IOC: "We'll take that thank
you."


Three Jamaicans have
just taken Gold, Silver
and Bronze medals at the
Olympics. The winners of
medals have reported
it to the police.


BBC NEWS : Professional
footballers more likely to
suffer from dementia
Which is handy if you need
to forget about missing a
penalty kick.


Carrie Symonds says she
is having a Rainbow Child!
Why the hell not! We've
got every fucking colour
under the sun here these
days anyway.


'Rolf Harris merchandise
still being sold on Amazon
7 years after he was jailed
for abusing young girls'
I wonder if it says "Can
you tell me what it is yet?"
before you open the
package.


Just listening to Bruce
Springsteen's song 'Glory
days' and I can't help but
think that he was singing
about the good old times
when we were allowed to hate
niggers...


Steve McQueen’s 'Bullitt'
1968 Mustang GT sold for
$3,400,000 at an American
auction house.
They don't Mecum like
they used to.

[Piper]

All this olympics
transgender shite can
be solved in one quick
question!
'Would I fuck it?'
If the answer is no, you’re
still too much of a bloke!
Simples!


That transgender
weightlifter will never rest
on her laurels.
Just her arse and bollocks.


BBC News : "Transgenger
athlete Laurel Hubbard out
of the Olympics."
Such a shame. She
worked her bollocks off to
get there.


Just watched three very fit
UK athletes racing in the
women's 800m race on
TV. It was close, and my
attention was repeatedly
tested, but did anybody
else have a personal best
for getting off in under 2
minutes?


"Footballs must be sold
with cigarette-style
warnings over players"
dementia risk, study says.
If you're trying to smoke
a football, it's probably
too late for the dementia
warning.


Iceberg wall collapse
causes injuries at Titanic
museum.
You couldn't make this up.


What's a purl necklace?
Tom Daley's boyfriend's
looming massive let down.


A terrorist had just
managed to detonate
a bomb right inside the
home of Elton John.
Reports say after
the incident he's still
standing..


Evidence proves the virus
that caused the Covid-19
pandemic leaked from a
Chinese research facility
said a report by the USA.
Now America plans to
make a documentary
about the origins
of Covid-19 called
unmasking the truth...


Harry's many lavish gifts
to Meghan on her 40th
birthday include some
of Diana's jewels that
"caused a royal row".
... Since when was Harry
in possession of Dodi
Fayed's balls?

[Piper]

That transgender
weightlifter will never rest
on her laurels.
Just her arse and bollocks.


BBC News : 'Transgenger
athlete Laurel Hubbard out
of the Olympics.'
Such a shame. She
worked her bollocks off to
get there.

[Piper]

The International Olympic
committee made the
decision to add new
sports to the 2021 Tokyo
Olympics. It approved the
addition of five sports -
baseball, softball, karate,
stakebroading, sport
climbing, and surfing.
The Olympic Committee
has agreed on three new
sports for Paris, Musical
chairs, and Snap...


The Paris Olympic
committee has
announced that the 100m
dash will be replaced by
the 100 mile flee.


"This dressage stuff is
ridiculous. Some posh tart
taking all the credit for an
animal's hard work. You
should have put that gold
medal round the horse's
neck."
"To be honest I thought I
had."


According to BBC Sport,
Holly Bradshaw had one
of the best jumps of her
life today.
Quite a memorable day for
the young lady, who also
won a bronze medal in the
pole vault.


After earning yet another
medal this Olympics,
the US Women's football
team have reportedly set
their sights on something
they haven't been able to
accomplish yet.
Beating a team of 14 year old
boys.


Brittany Spears has
been posting pictures of
her baps on her public
accounts and there isn't
even a paywall.
I am starting to support
her cause #freetitty.


Why is everyone
bothered about a man
competing in women's
weightlifting? I thought
women were designed for
lifting iron.


I heard that Prince Andrew
has started learning Thai.
He must be planning to
visit a brothel.

[Piper]

Tom Daley finished 3rd in
the 10m diving at Tokyo
He said, "I don't mind
coming behind two men."


Tom Daley's manager is
trying to encourage him
to change his sport from
diving to boxing because
he is so good in the ring.
Ooooooh.


Fuck me, Tom. Less Knitty
Knitty, more divvy divvy.


Tom Daley won gold at
Tokyo 2020 in the synchro
diving and only bronze in
the individual competition.
He said, "I always feel
more relaxed with a semi-naked
man next to me."


Tom Daley's dedication to
his sport won't end when
he leaves Japan. He'll still
be getting a few lengths in
when he gets home.


Tom Daley admitted
he was gutted that he
hadn't finished knitting
his mankini ready for the
closing ceremony." I'm
buggered but I did my
best" were his final words
on the matter.


Bruno Tonioli reckons
Tom Daley would be
"brilliant" in a same-sex
Strictly Come Dancing
pairing.
And playing 2 In A Room -
Wiggle it ( Just A Little Bit )
Bruno could be arrested
on a Live show.


The IOC is to introduce a
new competition aimed
at Army personnel with
Erectile Dysfunction.
The Paralimpdics starts
on Monday.


Lionel Messi sobbing with
emotion, shows just how
much he loves Barcelona.
Not enough to take a pay
cut, obviously.


I can't blame Messi... I'd
be crying if Barcelona
stopped paying me a
million a week too!


As the Tokyo Olympics
close, the torch is passed
on the French for the
2024 event. The Olympic
committee announced
two new sports for
inclusion.
The first of these will
be the Channel Migrant
Event in which desperate
peoples from the middle
East will battle French
bureaucracy atrocious
weather and seas, UK
Border Force and Home
Office snatch squads to
reach the finishing line in
Folkestone.
The second sport will
be the omnium, which
some of you might
be aware was already
contested in Tokyo, but
a new gold medal will
be awarded for the first
finisher in the struggle to
actually explain the rules
in a coherent, non-BBC
manner.


I see Japan have switched
from bullet trains to knife
trains.


I love watching the
Olympics and comparing
My performance to the
athletes. The other day
I watched the Triathalon
and in 2 hours they swam
a mile, cycled 28 miles
and ran 6 miles. In that
time I managed to drink
a bottle of wine and eat a
family bag of Doritos.


I see the Yanks method
of counting the medals
put's them at the top of
the medal table, only in
America though. Seems
like a bronze is equal to a
gold.
You try telling them that
your air rifle is as good as
an AK47 though and they'll
call you a fucking retard.


On the last day of the
Tokyo Olympics, Kim
Raisner was astonished to
be awarded an honorary
light middleweight boxing
gold medal.
As she was tearfully
lead away by the Japanese
immigration officials she
was heard to mutter "naja
fick mich, es muss ein
Suffolk Punch gewesen
sein."


Britain’s black 5000
meters runner has just
won gold and totally
smashed the world record.
It seems he thought an
ambulance siren was the
police.


Wales removes most
Covid restrictions. Good
news for the people of
Wales, bad news for the
sheep.


Billionaire Google founder
Larry Page has gained
New Zealand residency
after officials confirm his
bank balance was bigger
than New Zealand's


Leicester beat Manchester
City in the Community
shield.
Brendan Rodgers has now
won as much silverware in
England as the great David
Moyes.


A German study
concludes that staring at
women's breasts for 10
minutes a day is better for
your health than going to
the gym.
I think women would
rather have men catch
Covid-19.


Scotland Ends it
Lockdown...

Wales Ends it Lockdown...

England 'Firebreak
Lockdown' plans set out
for winter...

There are places in the
UK where you are at no
further risk from COVID
when you don't wear a
mask.

Those places are called
"coffins."


Ladies, there's a new
Cadbury's Flake coming
out soon, Mondelēz
International ( current
owner of Cadbury )
guaranteed it would tickle
your choc-clit.


Some woman in the
shop asked me if I was
vaccinated.
"Do you like anal?" I
replied...
She gasped and said
loudly "Excuse me!!!"
"Well, since we are asking
questions that are none
of our fucking business ; it
seemed rather relevant." I
said.
So my guess is that she's
had the vaccine - but
doesn't do anal.

[Piper]

Coastguard intercepts
boat off Columbia with 2
metric tonnes of cocaine
Or, as Maradona would
have called it Breakfast.


Oakland Zoo in California
has vaccinated all of its
animals against Covid.
When asked why?, the
head keeper replied : Have
you ever tried to get a Lion
to wear a fuckin mask?!


Theatres must do more to
attract black audiences,
says star of Bob Marley
musical.
After taking a short
survey the producers have
decided to give all buyers
a free voucher for a KFC
dinner with purchases of
two tickets, plus a free
spliff for three tickets or
more.


James Dean Bradfield has
been standing in Cardiff
City centre shouting and
screaming about God,
Jesus and the Bible.
He's a Manic Street
Preacher.

[Piper]

What's the difference
between climate change
and Katie Price's plastic
surgery?
Climate change is real...


Food influencer Chaheti
Bansal has called for
people to cancel the
word 'curry' as it is over-used
and rooted in British colonialism.
As a lover of Phalls
ahd Vindaloos I have
to agree, how about
'arsefirewogslop'? Does
What it says on the tin.


I got invited to a Nirvana
tribute concert once I
asked if I needed to dress
up or bring anything.
They said, no, Come as
You Are.


In the early 1800's 1 in 5
Londoner's was thought to
have syphilis
With the end of lockdown
looming I'd say those
are looking like pretty
optimistic numbers..


I took my wife for her
to audition for X-Factor,
and whilst I was in the
lobby there was this
'Transgendered singing
Nun` also about to go in
that was in a near panic
because she's couldn't
decide what song to sing.
I'm still not sure why she
freaked out on me so hard
just because I suggested
"obviously - Sister
Christian.


Five steps to...

Sexual Confidence:

Step 1: Body. Step 2:
Talk, Step 3 : Porn. Step
4: Consent... Step 5:

pleasure

Updated by Prince Andrew
2021...


" I cannot tell a lie. "

-The Queen...

" I cannot tell the truth. "

Boris Johnson...

"I cannot tell the
difference."

Prince Andrew...


Ranges are out of the
champions League after
losing to a team featuring
a player called Bonke
Innocent.
And somehow, their name
wasn't Celtic.


Enough debates. Just go
out and get one already.
It protects you, your
family and everyone
in the community. It's
been scientifically,
mathematically and
statistically proven to
make everyone safer.The
communities that got
them are overwhelmingly
safer. The chances of side
effects or accidents are
so unbelievably small that
is completely absurd not
to get one already. Quit
being selfish, quit arguing
online and go get yourself
a firearm.


I got called into school by
my 8 year old's teacher.
When I got there I found
myself in a room with him
and the headmaster.
"We asked the class to
draw something that
they liked to do with their
parents, and Tom drew
this," he said, sliding a
piece of paper towards
me.
My blood ran cold as I
looked at the picture.
Despite the childish
depiction, there was no
doubting what the drawing
was showing.
" Look, ". I stammered," It
was only the one time and it
won't happen again."
"It's a little late for that
don't you think?" remarked
the headmaster, "I think
this is a clear case of
child abuse."
"OK, OK! so I took him to
see Tottenham Hotspur
play for fucks sake, but I
got the tickets free from a
bloke at work."


The trio of Messi, Neymar
and Mbappe is too unfair
on the rest. PSG will have
the best creator in the
world, the best dribbler
in the world and the best
scorer in the world.
And on top of that they'll
still have Neymar and
Mbappe.

[Piper]

No need for Andrews
Liver Salts today... he'll be
shitting himself anyway.


A slice of Prince Charles
and Princess Diana's
wedding cake has sold for
£1,850 at auction.
There's no cherry on it
though Prince Andrew
took all those.


While in New York, Prince
Andrew was asked his
thoughts about 911.
He replied, "They're my
favourites."


We can learn a lot from
history.
Take today. I was
watching Premier League
classics on Sky Sports
Liverpool versus Man Utd
from 1998 and discovered
that Posh Spice takes it
up the arse.

[Piper]

News-Batman's sidekick
Robin "comes out" as
Bisexual.
Of course, I've always
Known there's a reason
that that faggot is wearing
tights.


A Chink at a Stevie
Wonder concert bellowed
"Do a jazz chord, Stevie!"
He said he didn’t know
what she was talking
about and couldn’t help
her.
She said, "You know -
a jazz chord, to say, I
ruv you."


Trump supporting
republicans are
100% behind the 2nd
amendment and the right
to bear arms...
Except when it comes to
getting vaccinated.


New covid cases are
more up and down than a
Frenchman's trousers.


Justin Bieber leads this
year's list of nominees
at the 2021 MTV Video
Music Awards.
Let's hope he wins a bottle
of piss and a couple of
balls.



A personal trainer who
lives near me has just
been arrested for drug
dealing.
Just goes to show that
you never really know a
person. Five years I've
been going to see him and
I never even knew he was
a personal trainer.


Katie Price has never
heard of Bonke Innocent.


"David Schwimmer
denies 'spending time'
with Jennifer Aniston
amid Friends romance
speculation."
He said it was only a quick
shag.

[Piper]

So let me get this straight.

Prince Andrew is being
prosecuted in the
United States for having
underage sex with a
17-year - old girl........... in
Ghislain Maxwells
House......... In Belgravia,
London, because if it was
prosecuted in the UK, she
is legally allowed to have
sex, so no case to answer.

Does this also explain why
They wanted to prosecute
Anne Sacoolas in the
UK, because in the US
driving on the wrong side
of the road and killing a
motorcyclist is perfectly
legal.


I was shocked to hear the
news that Chris Brown
and Rihanna were thinking
of getting back together.
They recently met during a
filming of the new smurfs
movie.
And Chris Brown loves his
women black and blue.


A stowaway was recently
discovered on a Royal
Caribbean International
cruise ( June 19th from
Nassau ). Subsequent
investigation determined
he was a trainee
proctologist from
Liverpool. According to
the captain, the stowaway
was forced to work his
passage for the duration
of the cruise.

[Piper]

Always someone worse off!

Next time you're feeling
down remember life is all
about perspective.
I have a friend who has sex
2-3 times a day exercises
twice a day, reads two books
a week yet every day he
complains about how much
he hates prison.

My wife saw Christopher
Walken on Wednesday.
I saw him on Thursday but
he was running.


After 20 years occupation
by Western forces to
celebrate recapturing the
entire country in
a fortnight The Afghan
insurgents have remixed a
70's T-Rex classic that has
gone straight to number 1
in Kabul.
Taliban Sam.


Great news for fans of
70's music. Famous sons
Rolan Bolan and Zowie
Bowie plan to form the
ultimate tribute band and
have approached the lead
singer of Roxy Music's
son Jerry and the lead
singer of Blondie's son
Gary to join them.
I don't think the name
T-Roxy Blowie will catch on
though.


"Nicki Minaj and husband
Kenneth Petty sued by sex
assault victim."
In other words, Minaj a
trois.


If you watch the BBC
Prince Andrew interview....
You'll notice small cracks
appearing in it.


Summer news from
Balmoral.

A royal insider reports that
the Queen is not really
enjoying her seasonal
sojourn in Balmoral due
to the absence of her late
husband.
The same insider also
reports some good
news, Prince Andrew’s
sweat disorder has been
miraculously cured this
week and his physiology is
apparently making up for
lost time.


The Taliban are taking
over Afghanistan faster
than Covid-19 and the
Delta variant took to
spread over Europe and
India.


Watching the news with
My dyslexic pal the other
night and I said, "Looks like
the Taliban's back."
"Oh fuck," he says. "Tell
him I'm not in. I still owe
him $100 for that coat."


In the USA Virginia
Roberts Giuffre has taken
out a civil action against
Prince Andrew for having
under age sex with her
even though she was 17
at the time and the age of
consent in the uk where
the alleged act occured is
16...
I strongly urge the Prince
to go to Saudi Arabia
and take out a civil
action against her for not
wearing a Hijab in public.


The most used line in
movies is, Let's get out of
here "
Now used by the British
The Americans, and
Afghanistan's President
Ashraf Ghani last seen
fleeing on a bike


Comparing Afghanistan
to Vietnam is going to be
problematic for veterans.

Pulling out of Nam OK.

Pulling out of Stan...?


Taliban 2 def U.S.A 1


Islamic Emirate of
Afghanistan.
Does this mean Arsenal
will have to move.


After a 2-0 win over
Arsenal, Brentfords t-shirt
sale have more than
doubled in parts of the
Asian community.


I expect to be very rich
soon from my new
business venture.
Just opened a scrap
metal plant next to the
Paralympic stadium.


Tokyo Paralympic:
Ireland swimmer Patrick
Flanagan criticises
Heathrow Airport after
wheelchair 'destroyed' on
way to Games.
He started off with the
front crawl, ahead of
schedule.


Tour de France cyclists
shave their legs because
it reduces the amount of
drag.
But surely it increases it.


The Afghan army has
surrendered to the Taliban
so quickly, French
National pride has been
restored.


"Critics mock believers in
former president Donald
Trump's reinstatement
day."
A few thousand of them.
Everybody else is crying
because he won't be
reinstated.


"Prams expose babies
to up to 60% more air
pollution than adults"...
I'd like to know how they
came to that conclusion.
I don't know a single adult
who is pushed around in a
pram.


Believe or not, I was all in
favour of women being
allowed to vote.
Until I saw how many
think those Sunday Sport
stories are genuine.

[Piper]

Snooker stars and former
couple Mark Allen and
Reanne Evans will face
each other for the first
time at the British Open
today.
Their relationship ended
acrimoniously in 2008
after Allen unexpectedly
attempted a tricky brown.


Ex pats in Kabul right now.
All sticking false beards
and robes on whilst
practicing the Arabic
for: Well you took your
fucking time!


Bob Dylan has been
asked to comment on the
allegations he sexually
abused a 12 year old girl
in 1965.
He refused to confirm if
he knew what age she
was, but did say, "she
makes love just like a
women."


"Bob Dylan accused of
sexually abusing a 12-year-old
in 1965.
It weren't me babe.

[Piper]

She makes love just like a
woman
Yes she takes just like a
woman
Yes she does and she
aches just like a woman.
But she breaks like a little
girl.
Well she would Bob.


Bob Dylan is set to release
his latest single next
month...
"Knockin ' On Hymen's
Door"


Arsenal donated 500,000
shirts to Haiti following
the Earthquake.
The Haitians have
returned them with a note :
"We have no food no
money, no possessions no
water and no homes... but
we still have our dignity.


Prince Harry and Megan
Markle 'left speechless'
over Taliban takeover.
At least something good
came out of this then.


Diane Abbott has
come out and said how
saddened to hear the
news in Afghanistan.
"It's such a shame they
can't watch programmes
like Eastenders and Love
Island all because of the
Telly Ban."


Run, Afghan soldier, you
must run, run, run.
Here comes a Taleban
with a gun, gun, gun.
Get your chicken arse
right up the Khyber Pass
You've never done owt but
run, run, run.


Afghanistan former
president Ashraf Ghani
fled the country quicker
than an Italian sea captain
abandoning ship.


If there's one good thing
that's gonna come out of
Afghanistan under Taliban
rule.
Surprise weddings for
everyone.


The Taliban have
promised that under their
new government women
will be allowed to work.
Manchester council have
loudly objected calling
their religion radical and
offensive.


The pull Out Method didn’t
work for Afghanistan or
My mum.


Americans interruptus-a
method of birth control
in Afghanistan when they
pull out too late and leave
the country fucked to
get on with it.


If the Taliban came to the
UK would it really make
a difference to women’s
literacy in Manchester.


The Irish have been trying
to get their country back
for the last 800 years, the
Taliban did it in a weekend.


Asking the Taliban
how they took over
Afghanistan so quickly is
a violation of their Human
rights


Me and my wife went on
Bruce Forsyth's Play Your
Cards Right. It didn't go
well and the episode has
never been shown. Turns
out that a Brucie bonus
isn't a night with one of
his dollies.


The wife persuaded me to
watch Nip /Tuck on Netflix.
Very disappointing -
I assumed it was going
to be a detective show
starring a Jap and a
tranny.


A group of
archaeologists gathered
to find the leg bone of an
ancient man.
It was a real shindig.


The thing that surprised
me the most about our
journey with the corona
virus for the last year and
a half was that I never
knew how many liberals
and middle-aged women
were and are somehow
completel experts in the
field of infectious viral
diseases.


Ran into a gay dalek at a
Doctor who convention.
ExSPERMinate.


The great thing about
Joe Biden is that he
won't remember all the
disastrous decisions he’s
made.


Who can rule the dessert
on a camel in the sun?
Who can show the West
up when they think the job
is done?
Here’s a clue : it’s not a
song about a confectioner
this time.


Which former Liverpool
footballer is the biggest
muppet?
McManaman, do do do do
do, McManaman, do do do
do.
McManaman, do do do do
do do do do do do do do
do do do do do do do do
do.


The Premier League
has started again
unfortunately for Arsenal.
They had been on a real
run since June.

[Piper]

Bob Dylan has been sued
for being a nonce.
Now I know what the song
Lay Lady Lay is about.


Bob Dylan is set to release
his latest single next
week...
Blowin' In The Minge.


For the times they are. a-changin"
No, Bob. It's always been
illegal to fuck 12-year-olds.


Since the latest lockdown,
thousands of Aussies
are seeking asylum in
Afghanistan because the
curfews are shorter.


In Afghanistan women
are now to be returned
to the kitchen under the
patriarchy and now forced
out of the politics and to do
whatever their husbands
say.
I can only dream that
one day something this
magical will happen here!


I see there are two
chicken stories in the
news this week...

Nando’s has run out of
supplies.

Biden has run out of Kabul.



Afghans are fleeing a cruel
oppressive regime in their
thousands, one told a
reporter.
"We can not tolerate the
treatment from this cruel
and hateful regime, we
will be glad to get out
of England and back to
Afghanistan."


Women in Afghanistan
demand that they be
allowed to work.
Boris Johnson is asking
the Taliban for tips on how
to motivate women.


LGBT Afghans face
'extermination' at the
hands of the Taliban
within days.
The Taliban... putting
the fun back into
fundamentalism.


No under sharia
Law WIFE
stands for
whipping,
Ironing, Fucking
etc.


Afghanistan news-
Afghan women "voice
loud concerns" that they
will now be forcibly locked
in their homes and made
to cover their faces.
Yet I voice that exact
same concerns the last
two years and everyone
calls me a lunatic and
says, I'm "anti - science."


Does anyone else think
it's odd that an adult
drinking milk that came
from a cows tit is socially
acceptable, but drinking
milk that came from a
women’s is seen as weird?


Why do TV news channels
only use women to
present the business
news?
Because only women can
speak for hours on end
about something they
have absolutely no idea
about.


If God chooses who goes
to Heaven, then surely
Sean Lock's been picked

R. I. P


Looks like another Locke
down.

[Piper]

BBC Breaking News :
Kane to miss Spurs
European tie.
Because they'll really
be needing him up front
against the mighty Pacos
de Ferreira in their Europa
Conference League
Qualifer.


The American Soldier :
camouflage, electronics,
semi-automatic weapon,
grenades, field computer
infrared goggles...
Taliban Guy : Goat and
weapon.


I wasn't getting much
action from the wife, so
I said, "Hey sweety letÂ’s
play a game how about
every time you hear the
word 'Taliban' you give me
a blowjob"?
"Ha sure, why not. But
what is Taliban"?
So I quickly turned on the
BBC.


Donald Trump called
Afghanistan's collapse the
most humiliating thing in
US history.
He later saw it was
the second most
humiliating thing after
he remembered Hillary
Clinton.


A homeless sex worker
is the missing link of the
string of mystery Covid-19
cases in Australia.
So much for double jabs.


Lockdown is so strict in
Australia, Home and Away
is now just called Home.


There was a second hasty
withdrawal from Kabul
this morning.
The wife came home
unexpectedly while I was
shagging the Afghan
hound.

[Piper]

Prince Harry pledges a
$1.5m donation from
sales of next summer's
bombshell memoir to his
African children's charity
Sentebale.
And that children is an
example of the word
"Assumption"


Prince Andrew reportedly
at Buckingham Palace
holding crisis talks with
the Queen.
In other news,
unprecedented numbers
of young girls, presumed
missing and dead, have
suddenly returned home
to their parents.


Afghanistan latest...
All the Catholics have now
pulled out.


Used to think my dad was
from Afghanistan until I
realized he just didn’t want
women to have opinions.


Western government
have appealed to
the Taliban not to let
Afghanistan once again
play host to terrorism.
Its a bit like asking the
porn industry not to
introduce a cum shot in a
pornographic film.

[Piper]

"... Do you think it's fair
that only one company is
allowed to make the game
Monopoly"?


Viruses mutate over time,
take Covid for example...
It started as a pandemic,
and now it's become an IQ
test.


I know why Phillip
Schofield got the "we
buy any car." contract it's
because you have to enter
Reg first.


What do you call a
condom covered in shit?
An Elton Johnnie.


Kylie Jenner is pregnant.
It was awkward when they
asked Kylie if she knew
the sex, Kylie said, "I think
that time it was the limo."


The United States is
currently being held to
ransom by a group of old
white men with beards
goats and guns.
Whenever they do
something evil smile as if
the plumber in a Porn film
fixed the plumbing...


"Ex Navy SEAL tells
News crew now he's
save America through
committing war crimes"
Oh, fuck, if only we'd
thought of that. Mystery
why he's no longer a
member...


Muslims and Americans
are fighting again.
Maybe if they had
foreskins they wouldn't be
so bitter.


You've got to hand it
to Joe Biden, recently
the American Catholic
bishops were threatening
to excommunicate him for
supporting abortion.
Now he's shown his
steadfast commitment to
Pulling out.


We can rest easy knowing
the porn industry is safely
back in the hands of the
Taliban

[Piper]

I don't know how many of
you are aware of this but I
have been raising money
for many charities for over
40 years. These include
Cancer Research, The
Samaritans, Alzheimer’s
Society and 30 more
good causes. Well, this
year, what with Covid
restrictions and all, I
decided to rationalise my
collection process and
set up a website where
people can make a single
donation and I split it
up amongst the good
causes.
It's been a total disaster
and my revenues are
down by over 95%
which just goes to prove :
You shouldn't put all your
begs in one ask-it.

[Hoonicorn]

I
decided to rationalise my
collection process and
set up a website where
people can make a single
donation and I split it
up amongst the good
causes.
It's been a disaster
and my revenues are
down by over 95%
which just goes to prove :
You shouldn't put all your
begs in one ask-it.

Sick joke? I think that one is DOA!

[Piper]

Watts this I hear, Charlie
has died?


A Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.
I beg to differ.


Ah, the Rolling Bones.
Not many volts.
Zero Watts.


R. I. P. Stones drummer
Charlie Watts
on his way up there,
someone tried to nick
his harp. He was heard
shouting
"Hey you get off of my
cloud!"


"Hey you! Get off my
cloud"
"Piss off Charlie, I was
here first" - Brian Jones.


"God Gimme shelter.
Can't you hear me
knocking?"
"Sorry Charlie you can't
always get what you want.
You had sympathy with
the Devil."


Celebrity Deathmatch latest :

Beatles 2-2 Stones

Lennon 40' Jones 27'

Harrison 58' Watts 80'


Greta Thunberg has just
announced that those
old perennial favourite,
The Rolling Stones, were
as of today much more
energy efficient due to the
25% reduction in Wattage
out put.
"Turd on the run" said
Jagger when he heard of
her comment.


Don Everly dead at 84
Bye Bye Bruv.


So the remake of the
horror movie Candyman
is going to be an all black
cast to prove black people
in the movies aren't all
Stereotypical blacks.
Well that's backfired
already considering the
first person to die will be
black.


My drug dealer is thick as
shit.
I asked him how much 10
grams of ice is.
He said, "Don't ask me,
you do the meth."


Experts have recently
pinpointed the reason
for the decline birth rate
in the country.... lack of
communication between
couples, some of them
even resorting to texting
instead of speaking to
each other.

Her.... Is it in yet?

Him.... No, not yet

Her.... Get a move on and
put it in now.

Him.... fiddles around for a
bit.... OK, it's in, now what?

Her.... God give me
strength! set the
temperature to 200
Celsius and the timer to
ninety minutes.... I don't
want the chicken burnt
again.


I think Alexa has probably
been told to fuck off and
called a cunt more than
anything else in the world.


Corey Taylor from Slipknot
has Covid.
And that's while he's been
wearing a mask for years


I had a horrible holiday
in Dover. I got horribly
sunburnt and I fell in the
sea. My wufe got caught
up in a towel while trying
to rescue me. By the time
the coastguard got us
out, I was just babbling
nonsense. It was horrible.
On the upside, they
thought I was a paki
'refugee', so now I'm
writing this on my
brand new iPhone in my
mansion while waiting for
my $2000 a week giro to
arrive.


"Bloody" is no longer
Britain’s most popular
swear word, a study has
found.
The new titles will appear
in the Beano and Dandy
for kids

"gobs-e" "s-hot" "s-
muchness" "s-house,"
"s-hole," and "s-storm


McDonalds are having
great problems getting
milkshake to their
restaurants.
Is it any wonder? I can't
even get it up the fucking
straw.


Executions. The only way
the Taliban can get a head.


My grandad owned a car
dealership, but because
of his experiences in the
war he always refused to
stock German cars.
He'll go down in history as
the man who rejected the
Beetle's.


And tonight on Nigella
Bites the host is joined by
Gordon Ramsey and they
show us their unique take
on tossing the salad.


It finally happened
we've reached the point
where the BBC is full of
BBCs

[Piper]

A Rolling Stone gathers no
Moss.
Unless you're Charlie
Watts.


Charlie Watts funeral will
be delayed.
A brand new hearse has
been ordered and we're
waiting for someone to
"paint it black"


You think life on Universal
Credit is easy?
You try feeding your kids
when your cupboards are
emptier than a Tottenham
Hotspur trophy cabinet.


Spencer Elden, the man
who was photographed as
a baby on the album cover
for Nirvana's Nevermind
with his penis showing,
is suing the band alleging
Sexual exploitation.
I'll be paying careful
attention to the case if
He's successful, my mum
is in a whole heap of
trouble.


Nirvana sued by baby on
album cover.
Ohh well Nevermind.


Daily Mail

Biden has gone gaga!

Also in the mail

Gaga has gone Bi then.

[Piper]

Just spotted Gary Glitter
buying a Nirvana album.


The designer of Nirvana's
most iconic influenced
by an English 70s punk
band.
Nevermind the boys
cocks.


So Nirvana had an album
decades ago and the
picture on the cover was a
baby in water with a dollar
bill on a hook dangling
in front of the baby. This
was supposed to depict
capitalism. The baby,
now a grown man, has
engaged a lawyer to
sue everybody they can
connect with the picture
( and even someone who
has nothing to do with it )
with idea picture makes
baby look like a sex
worker. 15 people being
sued for at least £109,000
each!....Yup that picture is
about capitalism.


Spencer Elden 1991:
Little baby shamelessly
pursuing money.

Spencer Elden 2021:
Big baby shamelessly
pursuing money.


The baby from the Nirvana
cover sues. Says he
actually has a massive
veined pleasure shaft but
the water was very cold
that day.


Former England
international cricketer Ted
Dexter has died aged 86. A
good innings!


Two musicians talking.
"Where's a good place to
pick up a cheap bass?"
"Try Kabul. The Americans
abandoned theirs."


"Will Tory candidate speak
out?"
She will if she's a woman.


Who's the favourite
teletubby in France?
Oh,Laa Laa!


Richard Fairbrass ( of Right
Said Fred ) :
possibly the first time a
gay man has ended up
with a nasty virus because
he turned down the offer
of a jabbing.


Despite being admitted
to hospital following
a positive test for
Coronavirus - where he
spent four nights because
he was experiencing
breathing difficulties -
Right Said Fred singer
Richard Fairbrass has said
he still won't get jabbed to
protect himself from the
virus.
Still Deeply Dippy then!


The pen Is mightier than
the Sword.
Specifically the poison
pen that wrote the Koran.


Millions are dead,
economic disaster.

Plus years of pandemic
that are still to go.

This is an Apocalypse on
easy mode.

What would happen if we
faced an apocalypse on a
difficult mode like :

A large asteroid, nova or
Gamma-ray burst, artificial
intelligence, nuclear
holocaust, geomagnetic
storm, supervolcanic
eruption...

Or what we've all forgotten
about...

Climate change?


My family told me years
ago that I was too
immature to have my own
child but when I held my
little bundle of joy in my
arms with the umbilical cord
still attached I thought...
"haha look at his tiny little
cock and balls and he's
Ginger!


LGBTQ - let's go bash the
queers!


People on Twitter calling
the Afghans" cowards"
for not standing up to the
Taliban.
That's about as useless as
calling someone like me
a coward in a theoretical
situation for not "standing
up" to the KKK.


That awkward moment
at the last feminist
movement meeting when
They realised no one made
tea or sandwiches.......


Pfizer says that its
vaccine offer 95%
protection. It reduces the risk
of catching Covid from
0.88% to 0.4%
Anyway, I'm selling these
95% effective penis
Enlargers.


My local dealer just sold
me some hash brown.


My drug dealer is thick as
shit.
I asked him how much 10
grams of ice is.
He said, Don't ask, me,
you do the meth."


I've been trying to buy
my kids a pet, but you
try asking the girls in the
pet shop to look at their
puppies and before you
know it you're on the sex
offenders register


What do Australians do
when the road to the
brothel is blocked?
Find another root.


What do you call an
Afghan who owns a camel
and a goat?
Bisexual.


LGBT remainers calling
Brexit voters Gammon ".
Well that sounds rich
coming from a bunch
of people who don't
know wether to cut their
sausage off or to suck
one.


The Essex limbo
championships.
Harlow can you go.


Perrie Edwards and Alex
Oxlade chamberlain have
welcomed their first child.
A little mix of their own.

[Piper]

The baby who was
pictured on the Nirvana
Nevermind album who
is suing for sexual
exploitation has got a
point... I've wanked off over
that album cover loads of
times.


It is being reported that
the Taliban has started
to make use of some of
the US military tech which
was abandoned by the
fleeing Afghan security
services.
The Blackhawk helicopter
gunships are said to make
very comfortable chicken
coops and the Handheld
Interagency Identity
Detection Equipment
biometric scanners are
useful for stopping loose
papers of the Koran from
blowing off the table.


Planet Of The Apes pre-warned
us of the perilous
danger of deadly weapons
landing in the hands of
uncivilised and primitive
lifeforms.
And yet we are now seeing
the results of this in
Afghanistan.


C'mon Benjamin it's not
like the training ground,
you just can't go putting
your balls wherever you
like.


2019 Avoid negative people

2020 Avoid positive people

2021 Avoid people

[Piper]

We've grieving together
Our leader has fled
We live under terrorists
We're better off dead
I guess there is Biden to
blame
Will we leave ground? ( we
leave ground )
Will anyone visit this
Shit hole again?

It's the final outbound
The final outbound

Oh

We want to reach Britain
But don't speak their
tongue
The liberals are smitten
Though we smell like
dung yeah
Wer sure there's more
carnage to go
And cars to burn down ( to
burn down )
The religion the whole
world just wish would go

It's the final outbound
The final outbound
The final outbound ( final
outbound )
( oh )
oh

The final outbound, oh

It's the final outbound
The final outbound
The final outbound ( final
outbound )
( oh )

It's the final outbound
We're grieving together
( The final outbound )
The religion must go
It's the final outbound
( final outbound )
( oh )
It's the final outbound
Yeah


A new study shows that
hurricanes named after
women are more deadly.
Mainly because when they
leave they take half of your
stuff.

[Piper]

A bikini is the ultimate
symbol of democracy,
because it separates
left from right, protects
the centre, changes
everyone's "point of view"
and forces all the people
to look in the same
direction with the same
goal.


My dad used to say "I was
as useful as a one legged
man in an arse kicking
competition"
Now that's an event I'd
definitely watch at the
Paralympics.


Much is being more in
the press of the fact
that the Taliban took
back Afghanistan in 10
days. I think an
explanation.
They were driving old pick-ups,
not Ferraris!


My poor one titted wife
started crying when it
got cold and her nipple
stiffened up.
"Cheer up love," I said,
"at least you have a point
more than Arsenal."


Tom Cruise, I have your
car and if you want it
back, you know what you
need to do
Show me the money.


The BBC will soon be
filming a programme
where four 20 year old
men compete to see how
many different prostitutes
they can visit with only
£300.
Bargain Cunt airs in
December.


China Flu, China Flu
What're those chinks tryna
do?
Feel the heat fill your
head?
Have a cough? BAM,
you're dead.
Look out! Here comes the
China Flu!


If Iggy Azalea were an
American Indian, she'd be
a rapper ho.


Riyadh mahrez ex wife
has said that kane has
had a lucky escape not
signing for man city as the
pressure of playing for the
club ruined her marriage
What? The pressure of
playing in front of 10
people.

[Piper]

The Taliban are asking
people who they want to
be the next president by
using Facebook poll.
So congratulations to
Afghanistan's new leader
President Donald Trump.


The Taliban has released
a propaganda video using
The song "We Are The
World."
At this rate, the Taliban
may soon have the
technical knowledge to
solve the Rubik's Cube.


I've just adopted a dog
that was rescued from
Afghanistan. His collar is
very bulky though and I'm
not sure it's meant to be
making a ticking sound.


What's the difference
between soldiers and a
finger?
Joe Biden hasn't pulled his
finger out.


From September 1,2021.
The new fuel means
. 35,000 can't run on the
new E10 fuel without
issues.
And approximately 1.27
million motorbikes.
People are better off
shoving the pump up their
arse and shouting, "I've got
the power."


Last day of transfer
window and Ant and Dec
have been spotted at the
Emirates Stadium.
They're filming 'I'm An
Arsenal Player, Get Me Out
Of Here.'


Chum ( our delicate
snowflake beater-
Blocker-in cheif ) says
that, 'being an Arsenal fan
on transfer deadline day
is the same as being a
Muslim kid on Christmas
Day. "
It's also the same as a
Spurs supporter trying to
have a wank and always
find himself pretty
much empty - handed!
It's a speciality called
micro-management.


I've just been caught
speeding.
I have 3 more points
than Arsenal.


Everyone who thinks that
Mikel Arteta should be
sacked has got a point.
That's one more than him.


After being accused of
performing oral sex on a
17-year-old boy, R. Kelly
is releasing an updated
version of his most
famous hit.
I Believe I Can Undo Your
Flies.


I've been wearing a mask
so long my kids think our
mouths are private parts.


Archaeologists just
discovered a leather belt
believed to be 4000 years
old.
So now we know why
Simon Cowell wears
suspenders.

[Piper]

Nike is giving its head
office staff a week's
break.
Big tick.

. Hurricane Ida force was
so powerful it made the
Mississippi River flow
backwards for 2 hours,
during this time it was
referred to as the Revir
Ippississim.


Amazing Arsenal finally
won a game!
Oh wait, that was the
women's team...


The Taliban Banks and ATMs
are getting a new feature
that will allow customers
to withdraw cash without
using a card.
The feature is called "a
crowbar".


BREAKING NEWS : Taliban
going door to door in
Kabul...
What's the big deal,
there has been religious
fanatics going door to
door trying to bully and
sway people's opinions
for decades - fucking
Jehovah Witnesseses!


A UK journalist asked the
senior Taliban member
what was the reason
for their policy towards
women to which he
replied :
"We feel that our policy
towards women was
necessary after watching
the UK's reality shows."


BBC News : "Taliban more
ruthless" US top general
says...
Well, thanks for that,
mate. It's nice to know the
last 20 years haven't been
wasted with a conclusion
like that.


New research claims 12 %
of websites are porn.
And the other 88% of sites
help direct you to porn.

[Piper]

I'm Jake the Peg, diddle-
iddle-iddle-um. With my
extra leg, diddle-iddle-
iddle-um.
Yes Mr Harris but it's
not a very good defence,
how about we work on
attacking your accusers
credibility?


Lined all the colours up in
the snooker hall.
Then fired the illegal lazy
bastards.


My stupid schizophrenic
dyslexic mate who thinks
he is Robbie Williams has
just bought himself 2 pet
tigers.
He's loving bengals
instead.


I was surprised to hear
that Fanny Price was the
heroine in Jane Austen's
Mansfield Park and not
the tariff at the local
Brothel...


The weirdest thing about
the UK is that they only
pronounce the "R" in the
words that don't have an
"R" in them.


Just said to the wife,
"Why don't you do a Harry
Kane love?"
She replied, "I don't
understand what you
mean!"
Disappear.... I replied.


When the Lone Ranger's
sidekick left him he had to
get a new one, pronto

I'll get my horse

[Piper]

Fathers days at Katie
Price's Kerry Katonas and
eureka Johnsons.....
Knock Knock.....
Who is it.....
Daddy.....
Who's daddy.....
#Father'sDay


According to my wife,
I'm about as much use
as a Fathers Day card in
Brixton.


Happy Father's Day to all
the dad's, except the vegan
ones.
For you, Happy Mother's
Day.


Without your dad, you'd
probably be soaked up in
a tampon.
Happy Father's Day.


I've seen so many online
posts wishing the best
dad in the world a happy
FatherÂ’s Day.
Thanks to you all.


A thought for FatherÂ’s Day.
Break a mirror..... Seven
years bad luck
Break a condom.....


Happy Father's day.
If you're stuck for a
prezzie, I have lots of
decorative mugs, flags etc
with "FatherLand" on them
if anyone is interested.
My German grandad had
loads of things hidden
in the attic, his children
must have really loved him
to give him all that stuff
for Father’s Day, there are
even black leather boots,
Knives of weird but I guess
they did things differently
in 1940's Germany. It's all
in German, but apparently
they say something like
"Our Father is better
than all the other's". Or
something.

[Piper]

Arab media are reporting
that Lacazette and
Odegaard had sexual
intercourse in the Arsenal
facilities.
That's the most
penetration they've
created all season.

"Dolly Parton praised
for her response to
'humiliating' questions
from Oprah Winfrey in
unearthed interview"
52-24-36

[Piper]

A new study shows that
women start to feel old at
29,but men don't feel old
until they're 58.
This explains at least
two of Prince Charles's
marriages.


New sources are now
that Prince Andrew is
the one that Meghan has
taken to task as the "Royal
Racist."
In his defence, when
he heard about the
pregnancy, all he said was,
"I'll be a monkey's Great
Uncle."


Meghan Markle and Prince
Harry 'request a meeting
with the Queen.'
Lilibet to be presented
and have a silver spoon
retrofitted.


Adele's dating a black
guy?
Someone should tell
her they aren't made of
chocolate.


Elton John's has said he's
not bothered about
his husband's Erectile
Dysfunction as he's quite
partial to a soft furnishing.
Daniel Craig was punched
while ordering a cocktail
in a bar.
He was shaken, not stirred.

[Piper]

ARSENAL PLAYERS :
Arsenal, take your wive's
and girlfriends braless to
a walk in freezer so you
can have a look at what
a couple of points looks
like.


Visit Afghanistan.
You never know where
you'll behead.


Wheelchair rugby is
vicious but at least they
don't have to worry about
a broken leg.


16-century village pub
called 'The Black Boy' has
to be renamed
sadly, my suggestion
of 'Blacky Blacky
McBlackface' has been
rejected.


When your covid
vaccine (s) ( which won't
stop you catching covid )
started to wear off, be sure
to get your booster jabs,
So you can continue being
Still able to catch covid!
FOLLOW THE SCIENCE
YOU FUCKING IDIOTS.


BBC NEWS -
Australian mother's
joy at being reunited
with boy lost in bush.
Bloody hell, how
unkempt must her
fanny have been?


Facebook has
apologised after its
software labelled a
video of black men
as 'primates'. Why
apologise when the
software is working
perfectly?


I'd like to dedicate
this next one to Joe
Biden.
I Ran.


Never Doubt Conspiracy
theorists..
Corona Virus..... made in
China..
Most lateral flow
test... made in
China.


Just letting you lads
know not to buy a sex doll
from IKEA. I was looking
forward to a big chest n drawers
but it's just a flat
pack.


Never fart in an Apple
store.
They don't have Windows.


Americans who won't
get vaccinated on health
grounds but will take
a drug that's made
exclusively for deworming
horses.
I hope they all get the trots.


An opinion poll shows
85% of Republican
Americans would rather
take the horse worming
drug ivermectin than get
vaccinated against covid.
The survey was done by
Gallup.


Scientists have discovered
that men are genetically
programmed to look at
other women.
So... sorry ladies... it's
SCIENCE...


Australia the world's
largest prison in 1788 is
also the world's largest
prison in 2021.


Social media is a gentle
reminder how some
people have more issues
than a magazine rack.


England is going to
get an Indian Summer
over the next few days
because it's going to be
warm. Surely an Indian
summer should be when
Apache Rain is forecast.


Afghanistan... a UK
success story.

A most unexpected
headline given the chaotic
shit storm currently
engulfing the Department
of Defence and the
Foreign Office.

However, that long
time repository of
printed vehicle service
information, Haynes
Manuals, have been
inundated with requests
from Afghanistan for
the appropriate literature
to maintain their newly
acquired collection of
Black Hawk Helicopters
Humvees, light armoured
track vehicles and the odd
motorbike.

A spokesman for the
company admitted that
they had just finished
transferring all their
manuals to a digital
archive so their paper
collection was good to
go to that beleaguered
country.... as soon as
they fixed the problems
with their own delivery
vehicles.


So they're going to open
the Queens funeral with
'God Save The Queen.'
This made no sense to
me, as it seems to be a
song sung too late
Still, Johnny Rotten did
offer to perform it live so,
I guess why not?


Quinten Crisp has been
asked to join three 1980's
tribute bands.

Tears For Queers.

Electric Light-On-His-Feet
Orchestra.

Dexy's Midnight Bummers.


A group of ex policemen
have started an Electric
Light Orchestra tribute
band.
El ello ello ello.


'Masturbating can help
lower your prostate
cancer risk y a third ( if
you do it enough )'
I guess going blind could
be lesser of two evils.


Men who ejaculate at
least 21 times a month
slash their risk of prostate
cancer. Harvard study
finds.. If that were true, prostate
cancer wouldn't exist.


I was in McDonald's today
and the young girl at the
door asked if I was sitting in
or take away.
Now, I always take away
but I said, "sit in."
"Can you show me your
Covid passport?" she
asked.
I replied, "I'll show you
mine if you show me
yours."
Kids today, no sense of
humour.


Say what you like about
Liverpool they are always
ahead of the trends in
fashion.
Ankle tags are all the rage.


I'm so sick of all this
consent bollocks, it wasn't
like this 10 years ago.
Pop up ads, selling your
details to scammers,
websites back then
wouldn't give a fuck.


Last winter I was seen
wanking in some bushes
near the local nurses
home. I was caught and
given six months, then
released on licence. I
won't be making that
mistake again.
I'll remember the leaves
fall off at that time of year
and they'll actually be able
to see my cock.

[Piper]

The few England fans
at the Poland V England
have complained about
a restricted view in the
stadium.
Apparently wherever you
sit you're always behind a
Pole.


It was 8pm and I was
walking past the house
of my Chinese friend. I
watched in disbelief as
he took a shit in his own
front drive, and I just had
to ask him, "What are you
doing?"
He replied, "I crap for
NHS."


Michael Schumacher
was awarded the French
Legion Of Honour in 2010.
Fuck, just how fast could
He drive backwards?


Abba's forthcoming
album Voyage has broken
universal Music UK
records after over 80,000
copies were purchased in
Just three days.
Which is great news
for grandmothers who
still boogie at nursing
homes....


I can't believe ABBA are to
tour again.
They must need the
money, money, money

No, you fuck off.


Djjsh Hgffggdd Yfyhfgh
hdetgf
-The Welsh variant.


That master of nature
documentaries, David
Attenborough, will be
starring in a new series
of video shorts featuring
little known animals
Starting next week on BBC
Three, the first episode
covers in depth footage of
his experiences with the
Slippery Gecko.


Tiger Woods is
progressing and
optimistic he will "play
golf again" following a
serious car accident in
February.
Tiger Woods looking to
win his first tournament
since he started showing
his club to other women.


Now that the Taliban
control Afghanistan, the
new LGBT pronouns are
was/were


What's Princess Leia’s
favourite song?
Ridin' solo.

[Piper]

I've had my 2 Covid jabs
so the plan is that if I
come into contact with
someone with Covid I
don't need to isolate as I
am protected But if I go
on holiday to an Amber
zone country I have to
self isolate for 10 days
when I return because I
MAY have been in contact
with someone with Covid.
Following the science? no
wonder there are so many
creationists.


Never make Quinten Crisp
the butt of one of your
jokes.


Wearing a mask over a
beard looks like a
ladies underwear ad
from 1972.

[Piper]

Afghanistan - is it just me
or are Dido and Eminem
missing out on a huge re-release
opportunity?


The Taliban claim that
Afghanistan is now the
safest country in the
world.
That's because they've
stopped women driving.


Just read an article on
the BBC titled "My life as
the Queen's personal
bagpiper.
Basically it involves being
told to " shut the fuck up! "
over 50 times a day.


Meghan and Harry seem
blissfully unaware of the
mayhem they've caused
the Queen with 18 months
of drama, prior to Lilibet's
christening.
Harry's dad laughed at
his latest antics and said,
"Boys will be boys"
Prince Charles on the
other hand was livid.


Prince Andrew is refusing
to be served with a
lawsuit. He's hiding at
his mum's and cancelling
public engagements so he
can't be served in public.
Answer' s quite simple
really.
Send a kid round with
them.


Prince Andrew would
rather not be reminded
about 9/11 as that's
the age of his last 2
girlfriend's.


Prince Andrew fleeing to
Balmoral to avoid his loyal
subjects? Why?
They're only trying to give
him a sweater.


What's the difference
between Emma Raducanu
and Prince Andrew?
Emma's not scared of an
American court.


Emma Raducanu is so cool she
wouldn't break a sweat sitting
on Prince Andrew's lap.


Emma Raducanu... she
contested and won as a
Britain on the American
court circuit.. something
Prince Andrew could only
dream of.


I'm REALLY enjoying
watching Emma
Raducanu play game after
game in the US Open final.
New balls please!


Emma Raducanu has won
The US in Flushing
Meadows.
Did anyone else see Billy
Jean King try to finger
her as she presented the
trophy?


I really enjoyed watching
Emma Raducanu win the
tennis. There were some
great strokes. Until my
wife told me to put my
cock away.


Former UK Tennis pro
Jo Durie says Emma
Raducanu has "the full
package."
Funny enough, I said the
same thing when I first
saw Serena Williams play.


I heard Raducanu just
got offered her first
advertising contract, she's
endorsing Kleenex Man-Size
Tissues.
I have a feeling it's going to be a
successful campaign.
I certainly feel like
splashing out!


Emma Raducanu born in
Canada to Romanian dad
and Chinese mum.
English public : "she's
British."
Andy Murray born in
Scotland to a Scottish
mum and English dad
Supports the Scotland
Football team.
The English Public : "Fuck
that fucking traitor!"


Now he's in bad health,
I bet Phil Collins wife
wishes she had a pound
for every time he says :
I can't hurry love. You'll
just have to wait.


Phil Collins "I can't hold a
drumstick any more."
Try McDonald's mate. Just
order burgers.


Phil Collins said he's
forced to sit while singing
and can hardly hold a
stick now.
He won't even feel it
coming on the ground
tonight.


The trial of veteran rock
star Sir Rod Stewart and
his son Sean has been
cancelled and a hearing
scheduled for next month
to discuss a plea deal.
Rod has promised to sing.
"Urine My Heart Urine My
Soul." Guy's a pisser...



Whoopi Goldberg is in the
running to be the new Dr
Who.
She has the perfect
qualifications she once
admitted working as
phone sex operator...


The wife asked why I
never say I love her.
I can't win, only last week
she told me to stop lying.


Danniella Westbrook
unveilled her new face,
treated with fillers and
Botox.
She now look 10 years
younger than
Keith Richards.


Six men have been caught
with £160 million of
cocaine aboard a luxury
Yacht off Plymouth. If
they'd been on a dinghy
from Calais, they'd have
got through.


I auditioned for X-Factor
and got as far as the 6
chair challenge, and the
act on in front of me was
this insufferably arrogant
rapper who went out there
and to the roars of the
crowd his first line was "If
You're proud to be black,
Then stand the fuck up!"
I sat there feeling like I
had to somehow try and
top that, but basically
afterwards I was told
my performance would
not air, and unfortunately
it seemed no one in the
fucking audience was
proud to be white.


While in Australia
watching a travel show
about China, the wife
gushed "wow China
looks so exotic. So many
Chinese people. I wonder
what it's like. Can we go?"
"Sure no problem," I said.
So I called an Uber and
told the driver to take us
around the neighborhood.


With the extremely strict
Covid - 19 restrictions
Australian television forced to
make some changes
to its programme
schedule - 'Home all day'
will be premiering next
week.


Music teacher convicted
of 32 sexual offences.
He had them play the
pink oboe, skin flute, hot
sax, upside down piano,
worked on fingering,
studied A minor, the
fiddle, bag pipe, horn
DeBussy, showed them
his conductor's wand,
castanets, bel, banjo
string, bongos, wood and
16 other offences I can't
think of right now.


KT Tunstall has
announced she is deaf in
one ear.
Hope it goes as well as
her blindess problem,
when suddenly she could
see.

[Piper]

OK... so we all heard that
Elton John had released a
tribute song for the Kabul
Skydiving Club called
'Sandals in the wind'
But what about the lyrics...
I've done the first part...

Goodbye Al Ageem
Though I never knew you
at all.
They said you had a
dream,
to make a really long free -
fall.

Standing on the runway,
not knowing what to do
and so you took a chance
as a member of the
landing crew

It seems to me, you lived
your life
with your Sandals in the
wind.
Never knowing what to
cling to
when the wheels went in.

Someone should have told
you.
that you'd flipped your lid.
Your Sandals landed long
before
your leg end ever did!!

Feel free to add more.....


Paper tissue industry very
happy with yesterday’s
sales. A spokesperson
said, "We can't believe
how many boxes we
sold. Everyone must be in
tears of joy following the
Raducanu victory."


I got tennis elbow just
from watching Emma
Raducanu play!


If you close your eyes
while watching tennis.
It sounds like porn.


I was so overwhelmed
watching Raducanu win,
I had to get a box of
tissues.
Unfortunately - I'd already
gone through eight pairs
of socks.


Prince Andrew's ability
to sweat returned with
a vengeance a few days
ago.

He is now sweatier than

A pervert with a bin liner
full of tits out back of a
mastectomy clinic

Sir Philip Green at an
annual shareholders
meeting

The PM on Father's Day

Rolf Harris within sniffing
distance of the local
school.

Venus Williams jock strap
after watching this year's
US Open women's final.


The Royal kiddie fiddler
Andrew has now asked
tennis sensation Emma
Raducanu, for advice on
how to win in an American
court...


With the Prime Minister
issuing a policy on
vaccine passports, but
all the brown colored
ministers issuing differing
policies, it was clear that
tempers were growing
short on the set of
Planet of the Apes when
Boris forgot the order of
bananas.

[Piper]

Emma Raducanu cries
collecting trophy.
Meanwhile, 1% of ballboys
had an erection...


What a girl that Emma
Raducanu is. She even
speaks four languages...
Chinese, Rumanian,
English and Canadian


Emma Raducanu is being
lined up for a gong in
the Queen's New Year's
honours list.
Her mum said she is
delighted, as she'll be able
to call the family to dinner
with it.


Emma Raducanu grazed
her leg during a tense
moment of the US Open
final.
At my age, it helps a lot to
think 18-years - old Emma
has a nasty gash.


Calls have grown for
Emma Raducanu to be
made an MBE, OBE or
even a Dame following her
win at the US Open.
It is not yet known if
the Queen will grant an
honour to the teenager,
but Prince Andrew has
stated he would love to
give her one.


Prince Andrew hosts a
shooting party at Balmoral
two days before his first
Sexual assault hearing in
US.
Anyone thinking what I'm
thinking?


I've been wanking non
stop to reruns of the
US Open Women's Final
whilst wearing two pairs
of panties over my head.
Being the laundry guy at
Flushing Meadows has it's
advantages you know.


I've always wanted to
wear a scarf as a hat, but
come to think of it, it may
look offensive.


"I don't want the covid
jab, as there is stuff in it
designed to control us."
"Who told you this?"
"Some weed smokers on
Facebook."


I fucked a diabetic
Chinese girl so hard, she
passed out then died.
Just after she kept
screaming "In Su Lin."


The Government has
condemned Mickie Minaj
after the rapper claimed
that the Covid vaccine
causes impotence.
Love, if every man who
has sex with you canÂ’t get
an erection, the vaccine
isn't the problem.


"Man Utd are playing
Young Boys on astro turf.
Do you prefer grass or
astro turf?"
"Dunno, I've never smoked
astro turf."


Spider-Man - just another
guy who ends up with
sticky hands after using
the Web.


Doctor who star Tanya
Fear reported missing in
Los Angeles by worried
family.
Was she last seen getting
into a little blue box by any
chance?


Mum: Please help, our
daughter Tanya Fear is
missing.

Police : Where was she
last seen?

Mum: With the Doctor

Police : Doctor who?

Mum' Yes, that's him.



'Unhackable mobile
phones which were given
to prisoners in Scotland
during lockdown by the
SNP at a cost of €3
million have been hacked
and are now being used
for drug deals and other
criminal activity.
Looks like those
phones have got their
Independence.


I shared my home made
chocolate brownies
with my boss and work
colleagues today
I've been tipped off HR may
do a random drugs test
later.
If I'm going down every
fucker's going down.


I once saw this Chinese
guy who thought he was
black during 2011
Mark Duggan troubles
Loo Ting.


I've just had my covid
vaccine to stop me from
catching covid. Now all of
you unvaccinated people
better stay away from
me, because I don't want
to catch covid. SCIENCE
BITCH.


Ever since the pandemic
began my dyslexic mate
has been camping out
in the library. Hes been
following the silence.


BREAKING NEWS :
"... Meghan Markle may
have hereditary condition
that gives her joint laxity
and make her more
flexible."
In view of this, what does
Meghan Markle put behind
her ears to attract the
men?
Her legs!

[Piper]

'... Emma Raducanu,

18-years-old - slim and fit
-pretty - talented - worth
£4.3million - speaks
Mandarin Chinese when
you fancy a take-away
-knows how to caress
balls and get the best out
of them-half Asian so
no shaved pussy and a
Scorpio, so fucks like a
rabbit
WHAT'S not to like? '


Cabinet reshuffle news :
Nicki Minaj is the new
Health Secretary.


I was watching a replay
on TV this morning. "Is it
still love 15?"... asked the
wife.
"Yes. Definitely" i replied,
"but he still says he was in
Pizza Express and doesn’t
sweat!"


A group of vultures is
called a committee..
I thought it was called
Parliament.


BREAKING NEWS :

John Travolta was
hospitalised after
suspected Covid-19, but
doctors now confirm
that it was only Saturday
Night Fever, and they
assure everyone that he is
Staying Alive.
Apparently he had chills
that were multiplying.


What do gays, lezzas and
trans people need to fuck
each other?
eLiGIBiLiTY


What's with people talking
to people on loud speaker
on their phones recently?
Stood there like they’ve
just gotten through the
audition stage of the X
Factor like a gay bumder


Harry and Meghan
are named on Time
magazine's list of
the 'world's 100 most
influential people', and
quite right in my opinion
They have certainly
convinced me beyond any
doubt that they are a right
pair of cunts.


Say what you like about
Gerry Adams, he kept
Northern Ireland booming
for decades.


Suprs are starting a pay
per view TV channel the
offer is £5 per game but
they only pay if you watch
to the end.

[Piper]

When is someone going
to take a cue from Fawlty
Towers?
The sign outside Prince
Andrew's hidey-hole
should be changed to
BADMORALS.


Going from Donald
Trump to Joe Biden is like
replacing James Bond
with the Pope...


A woman who looks
exactly like a female
Donald Trump has been
asked to star in a porn
movie.
So finally, a cure for your
porn addiction.


Nicki Minaj has caused
my testicles to swell
much more than the
vaccine did.

[Piper]

It's now official Women
claim
Some of their best
relationships have been
battery-operated.


If Virginia Wade was
playing tennis with Emma
Raducanu..
both in there prime -
Virginia Wade would give
Emma Raducanu a good
licking.


BBC News - The Duke
of Edinburgh's will is to
remain secret for at least
90 years to protect the
"dignity and standing" of
the Queen the High Court
has ruled.
Nice to see the old
girl looked after his
illegitimate children then.


"My mother never saw
the irony in calling me
a son of a bitch "-Jack
Nicholson, 1967

1974-Jack Nicholson
learns that his sister is
really his mother.


Richard Littlejohn's
catchphrase in his Daily
Mail colum:"You couldn't
make it up."
Well Richard, if it was
reported in the Daily Mail
they probably did.


The late Blues singer BB
King had 15 children by
different women.
At least now we know
what 'BB' stood for
BareBack.


Delhi Ali was asked today
whether he'd rather be
called a nigger or a player
with Tottenham Hotspur?
He said a nigger.


Can't wait for the Spurs,
"We Gave Chelsea a Game
Until Half Time," 2021 /22
DVD


France, it now appears
are expressing anger at
the recent reduction in
collaboration over nuclear
submarine technology
sharing. Today we found
out that it was to just
be 'Australia - United
Kingdom _America'.... and
is shortened to 'A-UK-
US..
... president Macron is
thoroughly pissed off
with hearing France has
been dropped from the
Club.... saying
"puorquoi.... You stab us
in the back.... today it's
all about Aukus ... but
yesterday you were very
happy with... F- UK-US-A'... perhaps
he had a point.


French foreign minister
Jean-Yves Le Drian
has described Britain
as a 'spare tyre' in the
'submarinegate alliance.'
Well Mr Le Drian, I'd just
remind you that these
spare tyres were rolling
up your beaches in the
face of heavy machine-gun
fire on D-Day to save
your bacon, ( or more
specifically, your garlic
snails ). You lot might not
have noticed as you were
too busy cowering in your
cellars tying white hankies
to broomsticks or sucking
off German officers in
Swanky hotels.


I asked the librarian when
the book about Jecinda
managing the pandemic
"I haven't a clue," he
replied.
"Yeah that's the one."
I replied.


Muslim food must be
more posh than we think.
From what I can see, it's
all Allah cart.


BBC News -, A judge has
ruled that Prince Andrew's
US lawyer can be served
with legal papers in a
Sexual assault case.
Wonder if he's started to
sweat yet.


World Taekwondo
Federation has changed
it's name over negative
connotations.
WTF?


The first human head
transplant could happen in
two years.
Finally a cure for Ant and
Dec...


I disagree that Melania
Trump was just in hospital
having breast implants.
She's already married
to the biggest tit on the
planet.


A British company
has created a line of
underwear designed to
make women’s bums
appear larger.
Just a tip, don't ask
your girlfriend if she’s
wearing them.


Gwyneth Paltrow has
created a contoured
shatterproof mirror with
LED lights which enables
women to get a closer
look at their private parts.
What with her vagina
smelling candles.... that
bitch is more obsessed
with fanny than I am.


We'll see how good an
actor Patrick Swayze is if
he turns up for the filming
of Ghost 2.


If the vaccine conspiracy
Turns out to be true and the
Covid vaccine has indeed
made me sterile, that's
awesome as it's been a
free painless vasectomy!
Women turning 40 who
"might want kids someday
( I. E fucking now ). here I
cum.

[Piper]

I see Andrew is first in
line to offer his special
"babysitting" services.


Prince Andrew is said to
be delighted at the news
of having a granddaughter
today, he was quoted as
saying, "I can't wait to give
her a good quality finger
ring.


Which Nolan sisters song
do most prison inmates
sing on their first night
inside?
Don't you make my brown
eye blue!


See west ham's mark
nolan at a night club last
night he weren't in the
mood for dancing by the
look of it.


Marcus Rashford now
doing adverts for Google.
Truly, a man of people.


The crematorium near
me just burnt down. The
damage was extensive
however they were now 3
weeks ahead of schedule.


I don't worry about
terrorism.
I was married for ten
years...


Its funny to see the Brits
campaigning for BREXIT.
Being an Indian, one thing
I can confirm is that the
Brits take forever to leave
a country until they are
Kicked in the arse by the
ones they once used to
rule.


A new study claims
regular sex can help
people stay slim.
Heads up guys, women do
not like the pickup line
How'd you like to lose
some weight tonight?


I'm not saying my wife's
thick.
But I told her I found a
cockroach and she asked
who would smoke a spliff
with their penis.


Whoever coined the
phrase 'what goes around
comes around,' clearly
never experienced the
joys of sabotaging the
Waltzers at the fairground.


These occasions are rare.

There's a black girl named
Gladys on my phone.

It's night, I'm on a train
and I've just spat out
some pips.

[Piper]

Free speech is like farting.
I use it to offend everyone.


Bond candidate, the
name's Elba... Idris Elba.
Why are you hiding your
wallet?


If Idris Elba had become
James Bond in the
beginning... think of the
films he could have been
in.

Coonraker.

Dr Snow.

From Benefits Office
With Love.

The Man With The Twelve
Inch Gun.


Even if you're capable
of sympathising with
Boris Johnson, you
have to admit that he's
increasingly showing
himself to be out of
his depth. He's left the
country more divided than
Katie Price's legs.


Nicki Minaj : My cousin's
friend got the jab and
is now impotent, with
swollen testicles.
That's why I got my jab in
the shoulder.


David Cameron.
The man who put the pork
in Porky pig.


I don't tell many
jokes about Islamic
fundamentalists.
They tend to bomb.


People in England
shouldn't complain that
some of the women are
mutton dressed as lamb.
In Scotland, they are
mutton dressed as mutton.


"Where have you been?
You look rough"

"I travelled in a time
machine to London, it was
awful. Queen Elizabeth
was on the throne, there
was a recorded pandemic,
men were wearing make
up, tights, frilly collars
and poofy skirts, kids
were being trafficked
from around the world
to work, the clergy were
fucking their choir boys,
skank women were
drugged and prostituted
on street corners, Chelsea
had blacks running
medicinal intoxicants
and the Jewish settlers in
Tottenham had never been
awarded anything. "

" You time travelled back
to the late 1500s?"

"No to last year."


Prince Andrew has
apparently had a series
of smiley cartoon faces
tattooed onto his cock.
He says he wants to make
eating fun for kids.


I couldn't believe the
headline this morning
'Canadian Prime Minister
re-elected.'
It's Trudeau.


Adele and boyfriend Rich
Paul sneak out the back
exit of swanky Beverly
Hills restaurant.
Reminding her that she
will have to "make his
dreams come true and
give him things, she didn't
used to give to you"....


Q: what is the current
number - one song in
Melbourne, Australia?
A:"Whole Lotta Shakin '
Goin' On"


"Oh I think I missed my
meds again, I think I
missed my meds again - oh
oh ohhhhhhh..."
Phil Collins 2021 -

[Piper]

Climate protestors
demonstrating and my
loudly driving my vintage
car around produces the
very same effect.
It makes absolutely no
fucking difference to the
environmental cause, but
it allows us to feel smug
about ourselves and gets
us attention.


What's the difference
between a duvet and
Afghanistan?
One is thrown over, the
other is overthrown.


Definition of irony :
The Aussies lease port
in Darwin to China for
100 years, then spend
billions on subs to defend
themselves from them.


The alphabet mafia are
going after the Vatican
because a Cis Teen built
the Chapel.


This black girl once got
mad at me cause there
was a 'Whites Only' sign
up at my business.
I told her, "There's nothing
for you to worry about, it
hasn't been enforceable
for decades, but it's
just up to remind me of
happier times."


People 2012: anyone
who thinks that the
world's leaders are
planning to release a
virus and implement
new technology to track
Everyone, is a dangerous
Conspiracy theorist.

People 2021: Covid - 19
escaped from a market
next to a biological
warfare laboratory and
anyone who doesn't
download the track and
trace app is a dangerous
Conspiracy theorist.


Women are like cars:
We all want a Ferrari,
sometimes want a Ford
Transit, and end up with a
Lorry...


Body builders.

While you're in the gym
Six days and nights per
week, eating five times a
day, shopping for muscle
vests, body shaving, oiling
up, putting your tiny cock
into competition pouches
and looking in mirrors, I'm
fucking women.

[Piper]

Bass player Alan
Lancaster has died.
That'll upset the Status
Quo.


I thought Anthony Joshua
had been vaccinated.
Last night he looked like a
non-jabber.


Poor ol' Anthony Joshua,
I hadn't seen a black guy
get whipped like that since
Kunte Kinte refused to call
himself Toby in Roots.


After the battering last night
I won't be surprised
if Anthony Joshua
announces he is gay.


It's no surprise the French
are upset about the
submarine deal between
the UK, US and Australia.
They hate being excluded
from a 3-way.


Have we tried throwing a
politician into a volcano to
appease the virus yet?
Let's start with one and
keep going until the virus
is gone.


Swizzels Matlow Ltd,
the manufacturer of
Love hearts have released
a new set of the beloved
sweets, updated for
the 21st Century with a
message presented as
acronyms.

BOD... bring own dildo.

ATM... ass to mouth.

LAKT... loves a knee tremble.

KORSD... keen on rusty sheriff's badges.

AGFF... always good for fisting.

BLASD... bangs like a shithouse door.

OWD... obscene when drunk.

KTIV... known to induce vomiting.

WFFP... will fetch for petrol.

LTGHJ... loves to give hand jobs.

OCE... oral costs extra.

HLAH... hung like a horse.

I'll leave you to decide the
flavours for each sweet.


What spice girl can still
get petrol?
Geri can.

In a desperate bid to find
work, any work, Minnie
Driver has emigrated to
the UK and changed her
name from Minnie to Lorry.


Modern cartoons are all
crap so I've been watching
Bananaman.
Although Leroy hates it
when I call him that.

[Piper]

Dune is a great SF book
by Frank Herbert, here is
a brief summary to tempt
you into reading it.
The story evolves around
a spice called Melange
Melange gives great
powers and also longevity
to those who use it.
Melange is a French
word, it can translate into
English as variety.
Variety is, therefore, the
spice of life.
This summary doesn't
really do the book justice,
but go on, read it anyway.


Just waved at my cunt of
a neighbour who laughed
at my electric car.
He was stuck in a mile
long queue at the petrol
station in his BMW.


With the fuel prices
rising, it'll be cheaper
to buy cocaine and run
everywhere instead.


The price of Bitcoin has
plummeted after China
said cryptocurrencies are
illegal.
Keep an eye on China to
see how much Bitcoin
they buy now.


Prince Andrew calls his
US lawyer and says, "can
you get me off this sexual
assault charge one and
for all?"
The lawyer replies, "No
sweat."
Andrew replies, "oh, so
you've worked on my alibi?"


Draw for the World Cup
2026 has just been made
Ethiopia are away to
Hungary, actually they
were hoping for Turkey at
home.

[Piper]

According to statistics, 5%
of the UK population are
non-white/non-British, and
only 2% are homosexual.
... So can someone tell me
where the fuck are they
filming the Great British
Bake Off?


R Kelly is going to get his
Space Jammed in prison.


What does R Kelly have in
common with Malaysian
Airlines?
They both believe they can
fly.


Covid Zero and Net zero
have a lot common.
They both destroy jobs,
livelihoods, and freedoms.


Is there ever a time when
Customer Service is not
experiencing "high call
volume?"


The man who made
marriage work was Henry
the VIII.


I remember playing a
game called Downfall
when I was young. It was
a game we got from a
charity shop.
Today I think of Downfall
as an entirely different
kind of game which
involves pushing niggers
off a bridge.

[Piper]

The COP26 conference
starts in Glasgow in a few
weeks time. Planning for
the event has been going
on for weeks. The venue,
the accommodation and
the security are already
sorted. But they forgot to
select a suitable theme
song to play at the event.
Fortunately, Greta Thunder
Thighs was able to
Suggest a suitable song
from the Carol King back
catalogue... I'm sure many
of you will know the song
'It's too late.'
Other songs might be
more appropriate.


Brittany Spears reassures
her fans that she regained
control of her bank
account back from her
father.
Mexico reassures Brittney
Spears that they’re able to
resume shipping her Coke.


Last week the statistics
were that 'on average' only
one black man in two has
taken the jab in England...
These week, after the
Anthony Joshua fight 'on
average'...


Anthony Joshua went to
try to fill up his car today
but got beaten at the
pumps.

[Hoonicorn]

I had a quick google to find out about Gary Glitter since posts here said he was buying up copies of Nirvana's Nevermind album. I found that Gary Glitter was recently featured in a school music exam. A question about his music is fine, but if there's one person you don't want to associate saying the words "Shh, please turn-over now, you have an hour" to school children, it's Glitter.

Fun fact about Gary Glitter, he doesn't like swearing during sex, he once said "Who wants to hear that kind of bad language during sex? Especially from a child!"

Really though, it's about time we lay off with the Gary Glitter jokes, he just wants to settle down and have kids.

When I was a kid, I was afraid of the dentist.
Well it was mostly because he was a pedo.
Which begs the question "How many fillings did he give me?"

On the news tonight the breaking news story was "At least one person killed in suicide bombing" and I thought "Yeah, obviously, that's the bare minimum you need to qualify."

Do terrorist fundamentalist's sex dolls blow themselves up?

But really, why be a suicide bomber on the off chance you'd get 72 virgins when you die? Become a Catholic Priest and have them now!

:sick:

[Piper]

Living in liverpool is really
hard as every time I
shut the window I hurt
somebody's fingers.


How do mermaids relax?
Seaweed.


Pissed off I just spent
hours queuing at BP for
nothing Driving past,
my Chinese colleague
insisted we stop there
for lunch, but I didn’t
understand why. It was
only when we finally got
to the front of the queue
and he asked for 2 pet
rolls with sauce I had to
explain to him that the
word Petrol has a different
meaning in English.


Two years ago people
stayed at home due to
Covid and there was
a tissue and toilet roll
shortage. Now due to lack
of petrol and diesel people
are staying at home and
I'm stocking up on tissues
and toilet rolls before
the shortage starts. Why
would there be a shortage
you ask? Bloody obvious
when you think about
it. What are all us guys
doing when not at work?
PORNHUB!


During the 1665 plague,
Isaac Newton worked
from home and developed
his theories on gravity,
calculus and optics.
During COVID, I discovered
vodka.


My wife keeps saying
she'll leave me because of
my obsession with Buddy
Holly.
That'll be the day.

[Piper]

In an attempt to show that
Bond films don't promote
inappropriate sex and
violence, a draft of the
next film in the franchise
has been leaked.

No Thyme To Diet stars
Joyce Bond, she's a
single parent of a mixed
race disabled child, she's
vegan and seriously
thinking of coming out as
transgender. This dusky
skinned heroine wears
only organic clothing,
No fast cars for her, she
pursues villains on her
e-scooter, recharging it
overnight using a wind
powered generator ( it took
Her a while to realise solar
cells don't work in the
dark ).
When she catches the
villains she uses her
powers of persuasion
( and shrill heckling
voice ) to force them to
surrender. No violence, no
sex, just the occasional
flat latte or full strength
Capstan ( her only vice ).

The film will be released
next August 2022,it lasts
Just over four hours and
is suitable for family
viewing.

Hang on a minute, what's
that disturbing noise.... Oh,
it's Sean Connery, Roger
Moore and David Niven
spinning in their graves.


Misogynists always claim
that men are better than
women at sports.
But if that’s the case, how
come Laurel Hubbard
only started winning
gold medals after she
transitioned?


How do you tell the
difference between a
dwarf and a midget?
Dwarves do pantomime
Midgets do porn.


Prince Harry set to
name Royal as racist in
bombshell new book.
That will be a fillip for the
family.


There England players
who played at Euro
2020 are refusing to be
vaccinated, and won’t
be allowed to play in the
World Cup in Qatar.
I fucking hope it’s
Rashford, Sancho and
Saka.


According to a new book,
Donald Trump turned
down a challenge to
go vegan for a month
'because he feared losing
even a single brain cell.'
Fair enough. That would
prove fatal for him.


Is the birds football
kicking off on Sky Sports
this early just so that
They can get home to do
the ironing and make the
dinner?


Due to the fuel shortage,
Chris Rea has just
started walking home for
Christmas.


My wife had a right go at
me for letting fireworks
off when it's not even
Halloween yet.
If she keeps on, I'm
going to take down
the. Christmas tree.


I hate being dyslexic.
My heart stopped as I
thought the latest fire in
Honduras was burning
Ganja.


Still angry about their
stich up over the
submarine deal with
Australia, France decided
to strike a new deal in
Europe.
Talks are going on with
the Greek Government
over a controversial army
training package.
At a special press
conference today, French
Defence Minister, Florence
Parly was pressed for
details and she proudly
announced that deal had
just been agreed and
that France was looking
forward to training 300
Spartans in the noble art
of surrender.


Tom Dale's new
autobiography is called
"Coming up For Air.
Nothing in it about the
Olympics...


What's 25m long, screams
and has no pubic hair?
The front row of a Harry
Styles concert.


Ryan Giggs is thought to
be favourite to get the
Managers job if Olly's
results don't improve.
The united board said they
want someone who is
ruthless and has had a lot
of experience of beating a
weaker opponent.


These new covid variants
are spreading faster than
My Netflix password.


Apparently It's breast
awareness month, now I
would imagine if there's
one thing men are aware
of its breasts.
I wonder which tit thought
this up? Probably a
splitarse.


Just before the Fake Virus
I won a private screening
of the new "Bond" - No
Time to Die.

He goes to Africa to half-heartedly
fight SPECTRE and Blofeld, all the time
getting cucked and humiliated by the
new feminist black woman
they've parasitically
attached to him, and
also there's that black
Moneypenny for some
fucking reason as well.

"It's hopeless," I said
audibly as heads turned,
"the real enemy he should
be fighting has already
taken over from the
inside."

[Piper]

Surprised to see Schofield
advertising Craft Gin Club.
Thought he'd prefer a
cheeky 12 year old single
scotch.


Helped my neighbour
hang a 75" TV he bought
from a crackhead. When
he turned it on, it was the
menu from KFC.


DID you know that when
singers have sex they
know the note they hit
when they come?
Take R Kelly, for instance,
he comes in A minor.


Facebook down...
Great now i have to come
on here to tell you that i'm
depressed and cooking
fish fingers and chips for
dinner, and whilst i'm at it
let you know my ugly kid
just got a sticker in maths
today.


Facebook and Instagram are
down.
I bet these social media
influencers and models are
worried they'll have to find
a real job.


I bet Zuckerberg’s been
Caught sending dic pics and
his Mrs made him delete
Facebook, whatsapp and
Instagram ffs.


With Facebook
and messenger and Instagram
all down, it's times like
this we have to be grateful
for the other dick pick
apps like Snapchat to
score our drugs of some
random stranger


Scientists revealed that an apple a
day could improve a woman's
Sexual satisfaction.
Apparently, the scientists have never
heard of something called,
"a banana."


I love BBC Sport.
Big Black Cocks are just awesome, my
good fellow.


Every time I see Phil
Collins wobbling around
on a walking stick on
stage I can't help thinking
that Peter Gabriel is sitting at.
home with a voodoo doll
and a big smile.


All these feminists
attempting to link
terrorism with builders
Wolf whistling good
looking women on their
way to work?
How about watching my
missus reaction after
spending her Prosecco
money on both teams
to score in both halves
for Brighton Vs Arsenal
yesterday..
You will then see shit we
need to protect men from.


For those unvaccinated people who
want to go to the rhythm and vines festival,
will only be getting rhythm and declined.

[Piper]

Former footballer Jaap
Stam has had a miserable
career since hanging up
his boots, one managerial
sacking after another. So
much so, he decided to
go in a new direction and
start again as an optician.
This, however also ended
in disaster and he shut
down after a week due
to having no customers.
I can't help feeling it may
have something to do with
the name he chose for the
company....
Jaap's Eyes....


I like women like I
like my James Bond
catchphrases....
Shaken, Not stirred.


Rachel Yankey has been
inducted into the Women's
Soccer League 'Hall' of
fame.
Kitchen surely?


The English Ashes tour of
Australia is in doubt.
No point going to beat the
Aussies. Their police are
doing that already.


Dominic Raab doesn't
know the word for men-hating
women.
Wives, mate, wives.

[Piper]

So William Shatner blasts
off into space with Elon
Musk next week.
"Star date 2021... Captain's
log... In my... pants."



One of my friends was
telling me in the pub that
Uhura has revealed she
had disgustingly perverted
sex with the actor playing
Captain Kirk at that time.
"Shatner?" I asked.
"Yes and golden showers
too."

When asked if he wanted
to go into space to search
for Leonard Nimoy,
William Shatner said
"Don't ask stupid
questions besides we did
that in 1984."


William Shatner
To oldly go.


William Shatner will have
a star date revisit when
he becomes the oldest
person ever in space at
the age of 90.
I hope they keep an eye on
his logs.


Star Trek icon William
Shatner, 90 will become
the oldest person EVER to
visit space NEXT WEEK on
Jeff Bezos's Blue Origin
rocket.
Retrofitting wheelchair
access has been a bitch.


If Del Boy from Only Fools
and Horses hasn’t sold his
3 bed flat in Peckham, he
is now a millionaire.


Bubba Wallace has
become the first black
driver in 58 years to win a
Nascar Cup Series race.
And to find this step up
in performance, all it
took was a few words of
encouragement from his
team.
"Bubba, it's stolen."


Due to being classed as
'Racist',
China Crisis are due to re-release
and rename their
song, Slanty - Eyed Ray.


After utterly disappointing
new Bond movie, I decided
to go with a brand I
thought couldn't betray
me.
Turns out "Fast & Furious
13: Fuel Shortage wasn't
any better.


Out in Indian Wells
California, Andy Murray
reports his wedding ring
has gone missing.
I reckon he'll find it in the
glove compartment of
his car, alongside Emma
Raducanu's knickers.


Before the
Commonwealth games
baton left London, Her
Majesty the Queen
inserted the traditional
secret message, that
won't be read out until
the opening ceremony in
Birmingham next July.
My money's on : Free the
Duke of York!


I got my wife a shelf and
some jars for her birthday.
They were labelled Emma,
Geri, Victoria, Mel B and
Mel C. She's always
wanted a spice rack.


9% of couples in the UK
are interracial.
Not one of the men is a
stepdad.


I visited four adult toy
stores this morning and
not one of them had any
action figures!


Matildas legend reveals
Sexual abuse within
Australian women's
soccer - including DRY
HUMPING and rubbing
soap on each other.
Or just a halftime break
says every premier league
player.


'R Kelly To Expose
celebrity paedophile Ring.'
Yeah if I was facing a
life sentence I'd probably
moon the judge too.


Katie Piper rushed to
hospital for emergency
treatment as she
struggles to swallow.
Same as 20 million
married women then.


Neil Diamond is in denial
about the fact that he has
Parkinson's disease, and
to prove it is going on a
tour where he will perform
standard repertoire :
Shakin 'All Over
Shake It Off
Don't Stop Movin'
Can't Hold On
Shiver


There are rumours top-flight
women's football is to merge
with men's football.
Gary Blaketon from
Widnes Sunday team The
White Swan Rovers said,
"I have no problem with
this. As long as they're
prepared to work their way
up to our division.

[Piper]

Saudi owner urge
Newcastle fans to be
realistic about their
takeover and not get
overly excited.
Although they do
acknowledge it will be
difficult for them not to
lose their heads.


If Newcastle United don't
win the Premier League
next year, heads will roll.


A Saudi Arabian takeover
of Newcastle United has
been agreed upon.
A spokesman said we
have No Cups but plenty
of Saucers...


Newcastle United don't
like The Flintstones. But
ABI Dhabi do.

"I see Newcastle United
have been taken over by
a consortium from the
Middle East Paddy."
"I thought Walker's already
owned Leicester City?"


So Andy Murray lost his
ring, my Ducky Dennis has
no problem finding my
ring.
Oooooooooh


Gary Barlow launches his
own £3 wine from Spain
complete with piano key
labels.
It tastes just like his
music, thin-blooded,
repetitive, dishwater bland,
and uninspired


"Biden delivers remarks on
restoring protections for
national monuments."
I'd be more impressed if
he weren't adding his own
face to Mount Rushmore.


In the event William
Shatner's seat belt doesn't
work during the launch
he'll be asked to Klingon.

[Piper]

History was made during
the Andorra England game
when a female official
actually changed her mind
after making a wrong
decision.


I bet Wayne Rooney can't
wait for tonight. Football
followed by a threesome.
After all, it's England, Vee
and Dora.


The referee and
assistants for Andorra
V England tonight are all
women.
Their poor husbands must
be fucking starving to
death.

[Piper]

BBC : Fury beats Wilder in
thrilling Vegas fight.
The Guardian : White man.
beats up black man.


Tyson Fury remains
unbeaten, which isn't
something any of his exes
can say...


Didn't take long for Emma
Raducanu to become shit
at tennis when she found
out she was English.


After her recent defeat,
Emma Raducanu has
decided to make a slight
change to her career
and is now going to
become a tennis playing
policeman
"To protect, and serve."


T-shirts with the slogan
'Blow Jobs Are Real Jobs'
have been banned in
Liverpool..

So the prince of arabia
sent someone to England
to purchase him a new
Caste.... Whoops!


Doctors in Lithuania
have removed more than
two pounds of nails
and screws from a man
who started swallowing
metal objects after
giving up alcohol.
After a 3-hour operation,
the man bolted.
He sounds nuts.


I tried drinking out of a
Spurs mug but it was
impossible.
When I tried to pick it up, it
kept sliding further down
the table.


Until recently, in
Afghanistan, "to kill two
birds with one stone" was
just a figure of speech.
Now it's an economical
way of dealing with
feminists.


Masks are the New bra.
They're really fucking
uncomfortable.
You only wear them in
public and
Every cunt notices when
you don't wear one.

[Piper]

According to Sky News,
William Shatner's trip into
space with Blue Origin has
been delayed by wind.
Well what do you expect
when you're dealing with a
90 year old man?


EEL referee came out
of the closet on National
Coming Out Day. His
name...... Adcock......
You can't make this shit up.


"I'm very appreciative of
the fact that I'm an openly
gay man in football," said
Adcock.
"I couldn't be more proud
of him," said his partner
Alan Upthearse.

[Piper]

Who is playing Prince
Andrew in The Crown?
Gary Glitter.


Scotland Yard have ended
the investigation into
a young woman being
trafficked for the sexual
gratification of Prince
Andrew.
Extensive enquiries failed
to find anyone who the
slipper fitted.


'Very hands on' - Amanda
Staveley clarifies her
Newcastle role
Just like her ex, Prince
Andrew.


Tomorrow Captain Kirk is
gonna party like it's Space
1999.


At 90,the previous record
for the oldest person in space
will be totally Shatner Ed.


Just seen the new Bond
movie, where we find
out that Ben Whishaw's
character is gay.
... I guess that explains
what "Q" stands for.


4 Non Blondes
Hitler's least favourite
band.


Hews: Rome overrun by
trash - eating boars.
So, American tourists are
back?


News has just been
released, under the f. O. i
act, of the police arresting
five female protesters
who were plotting to
attend and disrupt next
month's COP26 meeting in
Glasgow. They are being
held on multiple bigmamy
charges,turns out they
were all married to the
same undercover cop!


Superman is now bi.
So it turns out he was
called man of steel
because he never lost his
hard on while bumming a
bloke.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
No, it's superfagott.


Superman is coming out
as gay?
I thought he wore his
underpants on top of his
trousers.
Not back to front.


Clark Bent.


The LGBT community
celebrates the first Gay
superman.
He's faster than a
speeding Tran


Hungary fans clash
with police at Wembley
Stadium.
Fucking hell - you’d
think they'd have had
something to eat before
going to the match.


Man Utd could still win the
title this season
Of Britain’s worst run
football club.


Irony...
China has shut 60 coal
power plants
Because of extreme flash
flooding.
Caused by Climate
change.


Activists from
environmentalists group
Insulate Britain have been
pictured burning the court
orders banning them from
obstructing motorways.
That'll do the air quality a
lot of fucking good.

[Piper]

"William Shatner to go
into space for the first
time at age 90."
So Star Trek isn’t a true
story? Lying bastards.


Reports coming in now
that 90 year old William
Shatner has shat himself
as he's been sitting on his
spaceflight.
He's absolutely petrified
to keep looking out of the
window to see a monster
on the wing of the shuttle.


England drew with
Hungary last night.
They're not the best artists
but they did ok.

[Piper]

Superman up your arse
faster than a speeding
bullet.


Is it a bird?
Well, it likes cock...


"Superman comes out"
as reported by Rimmy
Olsen.


Is it a bird?
No.... its Superman!!!!!!


Superman will no longer
wear his underpants on
the outside.
Its lacy knickers from now
on.


Turns out that Superman
goes down nearly as
quickly as DC's sales will
So is Superman related to
Battyman?


A mystery for years,
scientists today
announced they may
now know the origin of
SuperAIDS.


Can't wait to read the next
edition of the Superman
comic where he takes on
the Arse Bandits.


Why are people surprised
by the revelation that
Superman's son is gay?
I mean honestly, THAT
Cape with THAT top
darling...


DC Comics has introduced
its first - ever transgender
character.
The character is called
Wonder if It's A Woman?


Siderman has an arch
enemy who as a peculiar
nature such as I.
The Green Gobbler
Ooooooh


"Is is a bird? no, but it will
be after the operation


Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
No it's Superman sucking
cock again.


The new Scouse
Superhero will take your
very soul and everything
else you possess.
Fighting. the mighty DWP and only
affected by the sun, oh,
and packed enclosed
spaces, Yes it's DCs
newest creation...
Robbing.


The Rolling Stones have
been forced to drop
'Brown Sugar' from their
set list because critics
have labelled the track as
crude, sexist and grossly
offensive towards black
women.
The band have decided to
replace the song with two
lesser known tracks : 'Far
Away Eyes' and 'Little Red
Rooster... because
demarara.


Rolling Stones to retire
song' Brown Sugar ' as it
offends niggers.
"Gimme Shelter" offends
tramps, "Can't You Hear Me
Knocking" offends deaf. cunts etc.
Feel free to add your comments.


The Stones have done well
to get away with Brown
Sugar for as long as they
have.
Diabetes is a killer at their
age.


Ozzy Osborne has been
invited to the White House
to meet Joe Biden. It just
goes to show that if you
take controlled drugs and
talk like a three year old
you can go far in America.


William Shatner - workshy
lying bastard.
He promised us a five year
mission.
He was only in space a
few hours... bastard.


Captain Kirk goes into
space.
Sorry where's the fucking
story with this?


Prince William - "saving
the Earth should come
before space tourism?"
Yes, also solving poverty
should come before
royalty willy.

[Hoonicorn]

In the pursuit of scientific answers, animals have been tortured for the past 150 years.
They're still not talking. I'm starting to think they don't know anything.

The Ministry of Health did some research, and found irrefutable evidence that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough, use an ashtray instead.

[Piper]

BREAKING NEWS :

Meghan and Harry could
become 'worlds richest
personal brand.'

This is GREAT news as
in keeping with what they
believe in and helping the
planet and underprivileged
and poor people, they
have agreed to sell off ALL
their assets and give away
all their money to the poor
and underprivileged.

Meghan has already
started to make her own
clothes from the skins of
the sour grapes she still
has and runs her laptop
from the ENORMOUS chip
she has on her shoulder.


William Shatner has hit
back at criticism from
Prince William about his
space flight.
He said, "In all the years
I was transported to
different planets in Star
Trek, I wasn't ginger, I
didn't sweat, I didn't shag
a minor and I sure as
hell never fucked a black
bitch."


So Elton John's
celebrating scoring his
first number 1 in 16 years
For the last 16 years, he's been
scoring in number 2.


Beyonce has started a
support group for women
suffering from Herpes
Zoster.
Its for all the Shingle
ladies.


A woman in the UK
crashed her car because
she was using a vibrator
while driving.
The woman is now
said to be in "stable
and extremely relaxed"
condition.
The driver of the van said
he never saw her coming.


Pink Floyd's Roger Waters
has been married so many
times, he has enough
bricks for a pizza oven.


The Rolling Stones may
have given up Brown
Sugar but Roger Waters
hasn't.


Maroon 5 removes the
song "Sugar" from their
playlist.


James Bond star Daniel
Craig says he drinks in
gay bars to avoid fights in
straight bars.
Yeah, em, that's it! Me
too. Just avoiding fights.


In Oklahoma two men
dressed as Batman and
Captain America tried to
rob someone at a gas
station
They are being charged
with attempted robbery
and mixing Marvel with DC.


"Hello Batman, Jon Kent
here. Is Robin coming out
tonight?"
"No. Although I think
it might be in the next
edition now.

[Piper]

I'm just waiting for Ole
to blame the Utd defeat
on jet lag after the
gruelling 100 mile flight to
Leicester.


Manchester United defend
their decision to fly the
100 - mile journey to their
premier League game at
Leicester.
At least they can defend
something.


Manchester United are like
a bag of Walkers crisps
Far too much money for
very little product.


Did anyone else notice...
Prince Anderew slithered
out the back door as his
family waved the Climate
change card in front of
our eyes?


A new fitness centre
aimed at the 70 +years
of age Star Trek fan
demographic was opened
in town today
It’s called 'He's Dead Gym'


Claiming ISIS and the
Taliban have been
defeated.
Is as believable as a
Rolling Stones farewell
tour.


Disgusting to think how
that perv Superman has
been using his x-ray vision
all these years.


Superman has been finally
defeated.
Someone stuck a dick
laced with kryptonite
through a glory hole.


'... FAMED for their fast
delivery, I've just ordered
a tortoise off Amazon to
be delivered to Thailand,
where I live.
I'll let you know when it
arrives.


Why do black men believe
in God?
He's the only Father they
ever had.


I have found a socially
acceptable way to beat
women.
After slapping them, I
just show a squashed
mosquito I painted on my
palm.

[Piper]

News: William Shatner 90,
becomes oldest person in
space.
Upon return, his nappies
were filled with Klingons.


Nish Kumar is trending on
Twitter because someone
tweeted : Should whether
you find Nish Kumar
funny, be a test to find out
if people are racist?
My neighbours, Mr and
Mrs Rastus O'Bongo, are
being measured for their
KKK robes, as I write.


The Miami Dolphins and
Jacksonville Jaguars are
playing American football
at Tottenham today.
Finally. Football at that
stadium that's worth
watching.


Elton John's proctologist
Finally gets a day off as
his under used urologist
proudly announces Elton's
first number 1 in 16
years.


Barack Obama to visit
Glasgow for COP26...
That's all we need, another
out of work black man
sponging off the state.


Is coronation street the
geriatrics of the soaps?
They've got Ken Barlow
( William Roache ) 89
Rita Turner ( Barbara
Knox ) 87
Audrey Roberts ( Sue
Nicolas ) 77
Gail Platt ( Helen Worth )
70.
What do these people
want, to act until the day
they die? Surely they must
have plenty of money now
to be able to retire?
Don't they realise that
there are no pockets in a
shroud, so they won't be
able to take the money
with them.


People keep saying that I
should ditch my mate Jim,
as he's a hard core junkie
whose head's constantly
in the clouds. But I keep
ignoring their comments,
and besides...
I like to have friend's in
high places.


My large daughter and her
black boyfriend showed
abilities I never knew they
had this one time they
went on this daytime talk
show.
I had never seen my
daughter sprint out of the
room so fast in tears, and
that jigaboo break-dance
with a backflip after he
got told "You are not the
father."


Personally, I don't believe
in bros before hoes, or
hoes before bros.


There needs to be
balance. A homie-hoe-stasis
if you will.


My wife sent me to buy
some cucumbers.
As I approached the till,
I thought, I'd better buy
some vaseline as well."
I don't want anyone to
think I'm a fucking vegan.


Dick Wolf
That's a dangerous
pastime.


How do you reason with
an anti-vaxxer?
You don't. He's already
formed his opinion from
reputable sources.


The potato is like the slut
of all vegetables.
They pretty much go with
anything.


I remember when in the
good old days the hardest
thing about having a baby
was choosing a name.
Nowadays, it's choosing a
gender.

[Piper]

I strolled past a queue
of cars with my petrol
lawnmower to fill it up and
was accused of cutting in
line.


"The honeymoon’s
over': Van Jones breaks
down President Biden’s
mounting problems" .
There's an easy solution
to that, lie on his back and
let his wife straddle him
instead.


Elton John has
unfortunately split up with
his longtime partner and
husband David Furnish. In
a statement from Elton’s
spokesman it was said
that the reason being Mr
Furnish was having sex
behind Eltons back.


COP26. Where billionaires
arrive in Glasgow in
private jets and spend
2 weeks thinking up
imaginative ways of
getting people on
minimum wage to feel
guilty, pay more tax and
stop holidaying abroad, to
save the climate.
Cunts


My son showed me the
new woke "Superman"
where he's bisexual
kissing another bloke,
and "fighting for Social
Justice."
"Huh", I said, "Who would
have thought it's not
kryptonite that kills him,
but DC comics."


William Shatner : to oldly
go where no man has
gone before.


Due to all this political
correctness bollocks
The Ram Jam Band have
released a new version of
"Tanned Elizabeth"


I booked an escort last
night who was American
"What part of the USA are
you from?"
"Idaho"
"Yes I know that, but
which state were you born
in?"

[Piper]

Well done Bill Gates for
bringing his daughter's
wedding in at under $2m,
especially with her make-up
artist charging $1.2m


Ford is creating 500 more
jobs on Merseyside.
Unfortunately they cant
find anyone to fill the roles
in the local area.


Just bought myself an
extremely scary costume
for a Halloween party in
Liverpool.
I'm going dressed as a
ten foot fence.


"Do anything nice at the
weekend?" asked the
blonde bird at work today.
"Yeah, we saw James
Bond at the cinema" I
replied.
"Oh, cool!" she replied, "What
was he watching?"


The National Theatre of
Scotland has banned the
word "spooky" in case
Somebody finds it racist.
Don't snigger, you can't
call a spade a spade
Nowadays because people
arse so niggardly with
which word they allow.
Somebody ought to crack
the whip to stop them
monkeying around.


I live in Southend. The
status of "city" is a worthy
one but only the way Sean.
Connery would pronounce
it.


The Wombles were
planning a trip to the
Olympic Park in Stratford.
"We can go on the District
line or the underground."
"How much will the train
cost."
"It won't cost anything"
"Underground, Overground
Wombles are free."

[Piper]

Tragic news from sesame
Street today when cookie
Monster's dream of
becoming a Uber driver
was destroyed when
he suddenly realised
everyone lived in the same
street


My missus saw a
competition to win two
tickets for the Man Utd v
Spurs game.
"Shall I enter it for you?"
She asked
"What with my luck," I
said, don't bother I'd
probably win. "

[Piper]

Donald Trump is launching
his own media platform.
I'll give him a day before
he's banned from it.


DID you know that the
phrase "playing the field"
originated in Wales?

[Piper]

After testing positive for
the flu
Ed Sheerans new album
will be rebranded from =
to +


Mo Salah was on the
scales after the match
and weighed 13 stone
heavier...
... turns out he had Harry
Maguire in his pocket.


A man in a wheelchair
has been arrested for
attacking shoppers with a
knife in Hayes.
This is what happens
when you push people
around for too long.


Meghan Markle has
released a statement
following the Queen's visit
to hospital.
'My thoughts and prayers
as usual, go out to me'


"Taliban 'beheads member
of women's Youth
Volleyball team"
It was her own fault
for watching too many
American videos on
YouTube. When asked
if she'd give him head,
she thought he meant a
blowjob.


What's got 200 legs and
stinks of stale piss?
The front row at a Cliff
Richard concert.


Elon Musk said to his
father..
"Dad, I'm rich enough now
that I can afford to be
shot into space.."
His dad said,
"If I'd had better reflexes
when I was younger and
pulled out in time, you
would have been shot into
space 9 months before
you were born - for FREE!"


Whoever said, It's not
over' til the fat lady sings
was obviously never at a
Carpenters concert.


My new job as a carpet
salesman only lasted a
day.
Apparently," Fancy
a shag? " is not an
appropriate way to
welcome customers.

[Piper]

I would much rather
be served a round by a
bartender than by Alec
Baldwin.


Arsenal are said to be in
talks with Alec Baldwin
as they need someone
who can actually shoot on
target.


I have to say it was
interesting to watch
Afghanistan play
Scotland. Supply vs
Demand.


My daughter's useless
Black boyfriend dressed
in fangs and a black and
red cloak for this year's
Halloween, and told me
he's a vampire.
"Count Chocula?"


Dressing up as a vaccine
this Halloween to scare
the Pakis...


A friend wants to
be Johnny Depp on
Halloween but is too
broke to pull together a
costume, I suggested he
becomes Johnny Debt
instead.


It has become apparent
that in the US Covid is
killing more cops than
shootings at the moment.
Biden has asked Boris for
help.
Boris doesn't know if he
should send vaccines or
guns.


Michael Jordan's trainers
were sold at auction for
almost $1.5 million.
I thought it was illegal,
Nowadays, to sell coloured
folk.


"There's a black fella
at work nicknamed
mayonnaise."
"But mayonnaise is white."
"I know, it's for the chips
on his shoulders. "


Autum tour of UK by
what remains of that great
60's band The Who is
cancelled.
We won't get fuelled again,
warns the Who's tour bus
driver.

[Piper]

Latvian women end 90
minutes V England with no
shots on target.
Alec Baldwin likes this.


My large daughter's
useless and theiving black
boyfriend was getting
ready for a Halloween
party dressed as a
vampire... I said, "I guess
this year you're Count
Chocula."
He got fucking mad
and said, "You's only
say dat cuz I's black!"...
and I said, "No, I say
you're Count Chocula
because you have a giant
marshmellow!"
"Dad!" my daughter
stormed, "I'm a ghost!"


For many years on
Halloween I was always
the most unpopular house
because I always put
celery and bananas and
other healthy things in
kids bags.
"Sorry, my wife has eaten
the whole bowl of candy I
meant to give out again."


NEWS: Amazon given
contract to store data for
MI5, MI6 and GCHQ
"This merger's just
the start of it. In three
days, there's a security
conference in Tokyo to
decide the New World
order. If C gets his way,
he'll have unlimited
access to the combined
intelligence streams of
nine countries. Including
us"
Oh dear! I seem to
have included a snip of
dialogue from James
Bond : Spectre there.
It didn't end well for C in
the film.


There is a climate change
crisis they say. Don’t fly on
holiday they say. Don’t eat
meat they say.
Though on tv there are
always people on screen
that have flown to places
like Yemen, Libya and
Afghanistan saying send
us money so we can
fly more food into the
country. Shouldn’t they
be congratulating them
instead?
If Corbyn was in power he
would be telling us if we
try we could be more like
these countries.

[Piper]

Halloween.
That time of year when
mom's on benefits
complain that you haven't
given their kids enough
sweets.


I'm gonna dress up
as Alec Baldwin for
Halloween 2021


Ironically, Halloween
would be the least scary
social event this year...


Australian footballer
Joshua Cavallo, is gay.
He was born in Bentleigh.
Take out the word
born from the previous
sentence and this is also
true.


Australian International
Midfielder Joshua Cavallo,
is gay.. He's leaving
Adelaide so he can spend
more time at the back in
Sydney.


Australian Footballer Josh
Cavallo has come out as
gay.
The back of the net or
some blokes backside. I
don't care where you put
your balls mate.


Piers Morgan praises
footballer Joshua Cavallo
for coming out as gay :
'Anyone who has a
problem with this isn’t a
real football fan'
In other news the price of
fags has gone up in the
budget.


Martin Clunes has taken
a horse to meet patients
and staff at a local
hospice.
It's been done though,
Prince Charles has been
doing it for years.

[Piper]

How do you greet an
Australian footballer?
D'Gay, mate.


Australian footballer
Josh Cavallo has sought
to clarify the statement
interpreted as him coming
out as gay.
He added - "All I said was
I loved getting in behind
and coming inside the full-back.


Everyone is saying that
Josh Cavallo is the only
professional footballer to
Come out.
Have they forgotten the
Scottish keeper in the
Euros?


I just won the Manchester
United ultimate fan
matchday experience.
Its a dry at home with Sky
Sports turned off.


Tyson Fury reminds me of
that song by The Weeknd.
I can't feel my face when
I'm with you...


I've just been watching the
TV about the China Crisis.
Their music was fucking
shit.


I hate France and I'll be
buggered if I go to gay
paree.


Bjorn and Benny have
confirmed that Abba
plan to split for good
after the release of their
forthcoming album,
Voyage.
The obvious punchline
here would be: 'Oh well,
thank you for the music'
But let's be honest, they
were fucking shit. Weren't
they.


A horse walks into a bar
with Aiden O'Brien and the
bouncer says, "Sorry no
trainers."

[Piper]

"Trick or trout!"
said the dyslexic on
Halloween.


This Halloween I've
decided to dress up as the
most scariest thing you
could imagine :
High Court Enforcement
Officers.


It's Halloween and I just
watched Ghostbusters
with Melissa McCarthy, it's
terrifying!
This what passes for
comedy these days?


Wife has Halloween
sorted.
Sweets and other goodies
for the White ones
And bananas and monkey
nuts for all the Niglets.


It's that time of year kids
in Liverpool knock on
people's doors and get
given bags of ecstasy.


It's the perfect Halloween
to be an Aston Villa after
losing 4-1 to West Ham
What a horror show.


Kids knocking door to
door for sweets tonight.
If we ever wanted to check
if he does sweat, tonight's
the night.


Halloween : when Demons
and Ghouls hang out
together...
... because Demons are a
Ghouls best friend.


Jehovah's Witness don't
celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't
appreciate random people
knocking on their door.


Tonight I'm going to
dress up as a gas bill for
Halloween, just to scare
the shit out of my elderly
neighbours


Halloween : The one day
of the year Americans will
eat apples raw.


This year the scariest
#costumes.
Will be the where
people wear no masks...


Our boys wanted me to
drive them around town to
go Trick or Treating.
To save money on petrol,
I bought them £400 worth
of sweets instead.


The wife said, "I think we
should do something
really scary for the kids
this Halloween."
I said, "Well take them to
your mother's."


Hey if anyone is out trick
or treating this weekend
apparently they are
dishing out some great
batthunberg at COP26


Last Halloween, l found
a job lot of ghost outfits
at the boot sale. Me and
my mates all went in them by
torchlight.
Funny thing, they only
seemed to scare black
people. Perhaps they
didn’t like the pointy hats.


Shes not a drinker - Her
body will not tolerate
spirits
She had two Martinis at
the Halloween party.
And she tried to hijack an
elevator and fly to Cuba.


Kids said, 'trick or treat I
took out my gary glitter
records. Parents grabbed
them and ran off, dont
know why.


I've got everything I need
for Halloween and
Christmas in the one
shop.
Beer


This time last year, my dad
worked very hard to put a
roof over my head.
It was the worst
Halloween costume ever.


Today's world song lyrics
are given to us by Simon
and Garfunkel from back in
1964.
(. COP26 or clocks going
back )
Sing, don’t just read.

Come gather around
people, wherever you
roam
And admit that the waters
around you have grown
And accept it that soon
you'll be drenched to the
bone
If your time to you is
worth savin'
Then you better start
swimmin' or you'll sink like
a stone
For the times they are
a-changin.


Equally moaning minnies
have complained that the
global climate summit
in Glasgow will be the
Whitest ever

Good!

Something might actually
get done then.


Celine Dion has cancelled
concerts due to suffering
muscle spasms and
paralysis.
Her heart will go on but
she can't.


Paki pop star, Zayn
Malik, has split from his
girlfriend, been sentenced
to probation and anger
management classes and
has been dropped by his
record label.
Looks like his career is
heading in one direction.


Hope Disney do Grand
Theft Auto as a film.
They can use as many
Black characters as they
like then.


The Facebook company
has changed its name to
Meta.
This reminds me of the
time I was at a function
with Mark Zuckerberg.
I Meta snowflake feminist
cunt.


Everyone is going on
about Facebook changing
it's name... Does it really
Meta.


Judging by the way
Extinction Rebellion
and Insulate Britain are
treated with kid gloves
by the police. I think you
can finally get away with
wanking on the bus, so
long as you say it's to
raise climate awareness.


BREAKING NEWS :

Malaysian doctor says
he's created the world's
first unisex condom that
can be attached to a penis
or vagina.
Not for me.
I wouldn't know whether I
was coming or going.


Hot White And The Seven
Dwarfs.
Stabby, Thievey, Junkie,
Lazy, Dealy, Rapey and
Bangbangy.
Let's see Disney make this
fucker.


The case for Scottish
Independence : The
English will never have to
listen to bagpipes again.


BREAKING NEWS : France
threatens to block British
boats from ports.
Never noticed those
cheese-eating surrender
monkeys threatening to
stop our boats at Gold or
Sword on 6th June 1944..

[Piper]

I hear Arnold
Schwarzenegger is filming
in Glasgow today.
Kindergarten COP26...


The climate change
conference COP26 begins
in the Scottish city of
Glasgow today.
And I note the usual
suspects are in
attendance.
Doc-Grumpy-Bashful-
Sleepy-Happy-Sneezy-
Dopey.
No Queen and Greta playing
Snow White...


Apparently next years
COP meeting will be in
Beverly Hills.


BREAKING NEWS :
BREXIT Britain is set to
become a global leader in
state-of-the-art solid-state
battery technology.
Is this a wind-up?


The wife asked if I had an
invitation to COP 26. I said
"Of course not why would
I?" she said, "because your
emissions are apauling


World leaders turning
up in Glasgow must be
thinking to themselves...
" Global warming? It's
fucking freezing and
pissing with rain. "


Windsor Castle's resident
clockmaster spends an
entire weekend turning
the estate's 1,500 clocks
back.
Takes 361 days to recover

[Piper]

Greta Thunberg asked me
what we should do about
climate change. I said
'Stop the horny cunts from
breading so much' as I
pointed to the kebab shop
and the paki shop and the
Bangladesh restaurant.


I was watching Greta
Thunberg on the box last
night and despite being
momentarily distracted,
I couldn't stop thinking
about climax change.


'Queen spotted driving at
Balmoral after doctors
advise her to rest'
She really should follow
the advise and maybe
even do some putting or a
9 iron at the most.


A Climate change lecture
from Prince Charles.
How about we remove the
extreme overuse of the
planet's resources...
Like the monarchy, eh
Charlie.


COP26?
Good cop or bad cop?


Wot a total cop out 26


New Zealand votes long
tailed bat as best bird in
bird of the year contest..
You may be suprised at
them voting a mammal as
bird of the year.
I'm not, in this day and age
you think it's a bird but
when you get it's knickers
off you haven't a fucking
clue what the fuck it's
supposed to be.

[Piper]

Israeli minister
complains about lack
of wheelchair access
at climate change.
If they want to play that
game everyone else should
complain about their
lots of contribution to air
pollution in the 1930s-40s.


Why did Johnny Depp get
in trouble for swearing?
Because Amber Heard.


Kim Kardashian and Pete
Davidson are behaving
as just pals, according to
body language experts.
Kim is asking people
to stop looking into her
private life.
And go back to watching
her sex tape.


Seeing the news that
Jennifer Lopez got back
together with Ben Affleck
gives hope to all us
talentless alcoholics.
Ben was probably pretty
happy about it too.


I've seen an advert for
a new movie about the
Williams 'sisters' with Will
Smith as their dad, and
he says to them before
the tennis match, "There's
a reason you're going to
beat all these girls"
High testosterone
levels and undescended
testicles would be my
guess.


The wild love story of
rocker Ozzy Osbourne
and Sharon Osbourne will
be the subject of a new
feature film from Sony
pictures and Polygram out
in 2022.
When reached for
comment, Ozzy said,
"asyfqwuqfqpoirhporgoqw
loqfhpwqw



In the words of The WHO
That deaf, dumb and blind
kid, shouldn't have had the
Covid shot.


We've had Superman,
Supergirl, gay Superman
next it'll be Supertrans...
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is
it a bloke?


BREAKING NEWS :
Elton John cannot get in
or out of a car.
Goodbye Yellow Brick
Road.


BREAKING NEWS :
Elton John cannot get in
or out of a car.
At least he's STILL
STANDING.


Most rock legends
of the 60s and 70s died
young because of their
utterly reckless behaviour.

Jim Morrison used to
snort heaps amounts of
cocaine.

Keith Moon washed down
his anti-alcoholism pills
with champagne

And Marc Bolan let his
missus drive.


I saw an advert for
Amazon prime where
they of course now have
a black girl as "Rapunzel"
Who's waiting on her
"Prince to come, and he
never shows up so instead
she does nothing but
online shopping.
It made sense to me
on many levels why that
Prince never showed up.


Just been kicked out of
dermatology school.
Apparently a guillotine
is not the best way to
remove black heads.

[Piper]

For COP26 I've come up
with an invention that
helps with both carbon
emissions and the
destruction of rainforests.
The solar-powered
Chainsaw.


I'm not a climate change
denier. Far from it.
I looked out of the window
this morning and it
was sunny. The climate
changed an hour or so
later and it started raining.
It happens.


Benefits Agency
Investigators are currently
questioning witnesses
in the Windsor area after
reports of a recidivist
scrounger spotted
driving around instead
of remaining in bed as
directed by medical staff.
"It's not just her" said one
angry investigator "the
whole bloody family most
of whom are perfectly fit,
persistently avoid work
and rely on lavish state
handouts."


Ten years ago when
Barack Obama was US
president in May 2011
he and his wife Michelle
were on a visit to Ireland,
both were drinking a pint
of Guinness at a pub in
Moneygall, Co. Offaly.
At one point to which
Barack announces that
Guinness tastes mucn
better in Ireland than it
does in the states.
He's not wrong there
considering that he forgot
to mention to everyone
that if he drinks enough
pints it also makes
Michelle look a lot more
like an actual woman than
looking like a modified
version of Serena Williams.


It's the 4th of November
and lots of people are
excitedly stashing
explosives in their house.
Muslim cunts mostly.

[Piper]

During this Grand last
chance, Climate change,
Sabe the planet, Global
Leaders Summit...
The people of Glasgow,
for bonfire night, are
going to set alight the
thousands of tons of
rubbish, across the city,
that hasn't been collected
for weeks because of
striking bin men.
Right in front of the world
stage, you can't make this
up.
Welcome to the shitshow
Greta.


Yorkshire County Cricket
Club are institutionally
racist: There : that wasn’t
so hard, was it? For
years, Yorkshire enabled,
tolerated and normalised
a dressing-room culture
of racist discourse.
They failed to create a
welcoming environment
for Muslims and other
ethnic minorities. They
continued and continue
to employ staff who have
made racist comments.
And just like that, I'm into
cricket.


KKK.. emblem.
. White head cover.
Yorkshire cricket
club.. emblem..
White Rose...
The clues were there.


Fireworks displays are a lot
like sex. You really look
forward to it but then it
just goes on too long and
you just want it to be over.
Then you look around and
see your kids crying.
And you're like I'm glad we
don't have to do this for
another 12 months.


Just come out of the train
station in Bradford, and
fuck me! It's like Beirut.
Loads of fireworks going
off as well for some
reason.


-Greta Thunbag gives UN
climate summit a failing
grade.
Similar to the one she got
when she was 15 in the
last year of school that
she somehow couldn't
fucking finish.


Climate change is getting
worse. A only two year
ago Greta Thundericeberg
angrily walked out of
COP25. Now in Glasgow
at COP26 she has to
storm out.


Microwave explodes in
Edinburgh cafe.
Okay but then did Elrika Eleniak pop
out of a cake?

[Piper]

Perhaps a Greta Thunberg
is finally coming to
terms with the rest of
society when she used
the word 'fuck' as part
of a comment aimed at
the various government
officials and leader about
what was going on at
COP26.
Who knows, she might
even eventually, learn the
meaning of fuck.... and
then.


Convicted wife beater
Mike Tyson is to marry the
gorgeous Gemma Collins.
He has been described
as "punching above his
weight."


Covid-19 or Coronavirus,
either term is correct
However
Only Covid-19 can be
pronounced to the tune of
'come on Eileen'
( Good luck unthinking that )


"How do you feel about black
people getting jobs now
based on the colour of
their skin and not ability or
credentials?"
"I don't give a fuck."
"Excellent Winston. So, do
you want Dr Who, James
Bond, PG Tips ad or to be
the king?"

[Piper]

Nike drop Yorkshire
Cricket club after ex-England
star Gary Ballance was revealed
as the player who called
teammate Azeem Rafiq a
'paki'.
Stating it was offensive
to the Pakis making their
shoes.


What's the difference
between a Yorkshire
cricketer and a Paki?
Nothing until you lose
your first team place


I was watching my 7 year
old son playing with his
ball sack today.
"Dad, is this where my
brain is?" he said.
"No, not yet" I said.


These people moaning
about the alleged
"shortage in shops.
They do not know the
pain of waiting for a Porn
movie to be downloaded.


Having seen the two
sausage jockeys dancing
tonight on come dancing,
I mean two gays dancing
together, reminds me of
A the joke about
" What's white and moves
across the dance floor."
Cum dancing of course.


Anthony Joshua had his
Covid vaccine at North
Middlesex Hospital.
His first decent jab in
Tottenham this year.


Eddie Howe for Newcastle
United?
It's a bit like winning
the lottery and buying a
second hand Lada.


Saw an advert on tv for
a donkey sanctuary, if I
send €3 a month I could
adopt a donkey. They also
promised to send me
photographs.
Two weeks after I set up
my direct debit, I got a
welcome pack containing
4 pictures of Harry
Maguire.

[Piper]

A woman in Texas has
been accused of shooting
and killing a neighbour
after a bouncy castle was
allegedly stolen.
She'll be for the high jump.


The US Navy have
launched a ship named
after the great gay activist
Harvey Milk.
I'm quite envious, at least
that's going to get filled up
and get covered in plenty
of seamen
Oooooooooh


The US Navy names ship
after the gay activist
Harvey Milk. The only
entrance for seamen will
be on the stern end and
must assemble on the
poop deck for further
instructions.


BREAKING NEWS :

As Thailand opens
to Tourists after the
COVID - 19 pandemic, a 16-
year-old female Pimp and
3 underage prostitutes
are arrested by Pattaya
police.
FUCK COVID!
Even the Prostitutes are
getting older.


People seem to forget
that Astro, founding
member of UB40 was rich
and famous long before
UB40 fame.
He even had plastic grass
named after him.


My uncle used to say
to me, "always take the
negative and turn it into a
positive"
Lovely guy... but he's
just been fired
from the Durham COVID
Testing Centre.


A UK Council has just
decided to classify
a woman's right to
breastfeed as a Legal
right.
Also a Legal right "Is
man's right to watch."


A man in the UK was
robbing a house when
he arsed-dialed 999 by
accident.
So now he's in prison,
where his arse is dialing
999 on purpose...


I won some money on
a scratch card and I
was going to give it all
to charity. She wasn't
dancing that night so I
gave it to Crystal instead.


Pregnant women currently
account for one in six of
the most critically-ill Covid
patients in hospitals.
Here's a good one for all
You anti-vax, anti-abortion
ranters out there.
Should pregnant women
be made to get the Covid
vaccine?

[Piper]

A KKK guy walks into
a bar in the deep south
and there's a black guy
working behind the bar.
"SERVE ME NIGGER", says
Mr KKK the black fella
says, "your not allowed to
say that now" and the KKK
man sys, "OK sell me
some beer nigger"


I got fired from my new
job as a Bingo Caller
because they didn't like
my calls.
Apparently, "Hair on the
muff, old enough - 15"
was inappropriate.


If John Wayne Bobbit
case teaches us anything,
it's that money doesn't buy
a penis.


You know you're a proper
lad when you've fucked
more birds than you've
eaten desserts in a
Indian restaurant.


The wife and I decided to
spice up our sex life, so
we got a Kama Sutra and
tried out some of the stuff
in it.
We did The Tortoise, then
we did The Inverted Crow.
Then the RSPCA turned
up.


The USA Harvey Milk
announces it's first
crew will join the ship
tomorrow.
Roger the Cabin boy and
Seamen Staines are said
to be delighted.


I don't care how much
work she puts in for
climate change, or how
she abuses world leaders,
or is a hero for the youth
of today.
Greta Thunberg is still a
tough wank.


I walked up to a fat
girl eating meals in
McDonald's.
I said, "You need a bit of
me in your life."
"Do I now?" she blushed
with a smile "What's your
name?"
I replied, "The name's
power, will power."


My girlfriend was dancing
terribly in the club last
night and everyone looked
at her in disgust, yet I kept
chanting, "Go Sophie! Go
Sophie?! Go Sophie!"
She said, "Thanks darling
you're the only person
here who's supporting
me."
"Supporting you?" I
replied, "I'm telling you to
leave!"

[Piper]

Having a big nose is no
excuse for not wearing a
mask.
After all, I still wear
underpants.


Hell hath no fury like
a mother whose child
wakes up.
Because her husband
comes back from the pub
late...


Wait, so now it's a
compulsory jab for NHS
staff but before it was
zero tolerance on violence
against staff? Make up
your fucking minds.


I love the way my nine
year old son is preparing
for adulthood and it's
pitfalls. He spent all his
money on a dolls house
and gave it to his little
girlfriend next door saying
"Here you might as well
have a house now instead
of taking it off me in
twenty years."


Lady Gaga reveals she
wore a BULLETPROOF
DRESS to sing at
president Joe Buren's
Inauguration.
You never know if a
music lover will be in the
audience.


Beaver moon-a new
name for upskirting
commandos?


2 gangster lobsters who
look identical...
The Crayfish twins.


Austria seeks to
encourage take up by
making vaccine available
in brothels with a free
sex session thrown in
afterwards.
"... just a small prick
sir..."
"Fuck off, it's your gaping
cunt."


Every morning my wife
gives me a BJ.
She's too lazy to call it
breakfast juice.


The only thing darker than
my sense of humour is is the
skin colour of my slaves.


If Aldous Huxley had been
on the magic carpet with
Princess Jasmine that
song would be called A
Brave New Hole.


Tina Turner, 81 is suing a
31 year old tribute act in
Germany for looking too
much like her.
Honestly, that woman
needs to take a good look
at herself.


The most widely
recognised Cockney
rhyming slang terms for
money include :

Pony =£25

Ton =£100

Monkey =£500

Peerage =£3m


Gary Glitter wouldn't keep
getting into trouble if he'd
just stop booking his
summer holidays with
Club 8-13.


Why did Gary Glitter give
up playing golf?
Every time his opponent
shouted 'Fore' he looked
around and said, "She'll do!"


Well fuck me, been paying
£5 a month to a donkey
sanctuary for years and
only got a thank you
letter of Harry Kane this
morning.


The river Thames is a
diverse ecosystem that's
now home to sharks.
Politicians have been
sinking and swimming
there for centuries.


Three bouncers
suspended after woman
"thrown to the floor"
Well? Did she bounce?

[Piper]

I heard Little Mix are
playing Norwich in March.
I reckon they'll win 3-0.


Rihanna upset Muslims
with inappropriate
pictures in 2013 and lyrics
in 2020
She should release a
new version of one of her
biggest hits... Under My
UmbrAllah Allah Allah... eh,
eh?


Poppycock is the term
for when you smoke too
much opium to get a
boner.


Me- The sun is pretty hot.

Wife - And I'm not?


Woman roasts man for
calling her a cunt in a text
message before their first
date.
Totally agree he was out
of order.
Should wait at least
until the first day of the
honeymoon.


Dr Hilary reckons there's
a pandemic. His company
gets money from Bill and
Melinda Gates and he tells
everyone to obey rules
that he doesn't
At least Dick Turpin wore a
mask.


What's the difference
between a drug cartel and
the government?
A drug cartel doesn't force
you to take their drug.


BBC : NZ's Conway out of
T20 World Cup final after
punching bat.
Serves them right for
starting the pandemic.


Johnson & Johnson is
going to split it's business
into two companies.
One will be called
Johnson.
And the other will be
called Johnson.


Blade Runner - The story
of a white jogger trying to
make it through Bradford.


What's a black Londoner's
favourite Wesley Snipes
movie?
Blade.

[Piper]

A Polish lorry driver has
been arrested after being
caught with cocaine worth
£33m hidden in bags of
onion rings.
Obviously someone
didn't understand when
his bosses asked him
to smuggle the drugs in
using a few packets of
Johnnie's


I've been on duty in
Glasgow at the United
Nations Climate change
Conference.
Getting in and out has
been a fucking nightmare.
Not a good time to be Cop
No. 26


"We need to talk."
Something you never want
to hear from the girlfriend
or the doctor.



Just got back from
New York and gave my
Japanese girlfriend the
ceramic frog she asked
for.
She said thanks but
looked confused. Weird, I
mean she told me to bring
her back a statue of ribbity.



I know women like to be
mysterious, but indicators
are for safety purposes.


All this diversity and
inclusiveness malarkey
has gone too far these
days.
I mean, just look at Priti
Patel.
The new Enoch Powell,
and she's not only a bird
but a Paki to boot.



I feel for Prince Andrew.
Although I do think it's
outside of my remit within
My duties as his equerry.


My first day in prison I was
ordered into a cell where
three other blokes were
already in there, and they
introduced themselves as
"The Butthole Surfers"
I knew this wasn't going
to go down well when I
also saw there were no
instruments on-hand to
play covers of rock grange
music.

[Piper]

It will soon be Christmas
so advent approaches,
time to bring out a topical
advent calendar.
How About. A Tory sleaze
calendar... every day a
newly opened window will
reveal a new dirty dealing
MP and the allegations
against him.
I would have suggested
similar calendars for the
other political parties
in an attempt to be
politically unbiased... but
come on... we all know
where the 'big hitters' are
located in the Commons,
Suggestions please, I'll
start off December
5th and the secretary of
state for Transport who
has accepted donations,
In the past from Boeing
Defence, for trips to
the USA and Germany.
He also has links with
companies who oppose
attempts to make air
travel cleaner for the
environment ( allegedly ).


Driffield chef unfairly
sacked for ectopic
pregnancy awarded
£17,000 Ms Pawley was
awarded £12,000 for injury
to feeling and more
than £5,000 for her sick
pay and potential lost
earnings.
And there we have it, folks
-hurt feelings are worth
more than double the
actual damage suffered
in our woke snowflake
society of today.
Kudos to the lawyer
who rightly 'screwed'
the company for all they
could, but I despair of
the irrationality of the
accounts.


Azeem Rafiq says
that English cricket is
institutionally racist and.
that all the Indians and
Pakistan's that have
played for England agree
with him.


During lockdown Meghan
was getting bored
so Harry suggested
"You've always said you'd
like to look up your family
tree?"
They did. A chimp threw
some shit into their
eyes.


I got some black Roman
and Venetian blinds for
the house.
Day one and they're
already moaning about
having to work.


The winners of the
Scrabble Cup finals are in.
The James Bond Cup was
won by Q who easily beat
M
The heavy metal cup
was won by ZZ Top who
hammered ACDC
The hardware store cup
was won by B&Q who keat
IKEA
The text abbreviation cup
ended in a draw between
YOLO and ROFL
The Star Wars cup was
cancelled as both finalists
tried to use numbers
( C3PO v R2D2 )

Feel free to add your own


I thought I saw Westlife
walking through the
desert. Turned out to be
Oasis.


Great news! Only three
more jabs until Christmas


Azeem Rafiq says at
Yorkshire cricket club they
called asians elephant
washers and one certain
player constantly called
him a paki and made
jokes every time they
passed a corner shop
saying things like ( "I bet
that's your dad's shop" )
Being a Lancashire lad I'm
really starting warm to
Yorkshire county cricket
Club.


ka-ching, ka-ching ka-
ching
After Azeem Rafiq
stunning and un-
collaborated performance
with the Select Committee
Hearing today, the
compensation lawyers
are ready and available to
help with the impending
claim against
Lancashire Cricket club
ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-
Cheng.


Abba is releasing its first
new album in 40 years.
If you play it watching
"The Wizard of Oz" with
the sound off, it will still
sound crap...


My wife speaks 5
languages.
Mother, liar, bitch, whore,
and gold digger...


These sale price items are
a steal!
No wonder they call it
Black Friday.


Why is there no black
character in the game
'Cluedo'
Because then it would
have to be re-named
'Solvedo'


My daughter's black
boyfriend just heard
he's eligible for the
booster and he wants to
get it ASAP.
I wish the workshy
bastard was as
enthusiastic about getting
a job as he's is the jab.


Some diffences between
American and UK English.

You say jelly we say jam.

You say Jell-O we say jelly.

You say chips we say crisps.

You say fries we say chips.

You say garbage we say rubbish.

You say freeway we say motorway.

You say gas we say petrol.

You say President we say
bumbling fat incompetent
dickhead.


They say you learn
something new everyday.
Today I learnt three new
things.

1.Dont wear wireless
earbuds when urinating in
the toilet.

2.It's amazing how quickly
you can stop pissing and
thrust your hand into a
toilet bowl of your own
piss to fish out the unluckupy
earbud out.

3.Sony WM-1000XM3
earbuds can withstand a
dunking in the toilet and
a lengthy rinse under the
cold tap.

NB use the other hand if
you are wearing a wrist
watch.

More household tips in
the future as accidents
happen.

[Bikkie]

News: 5 arrested for fly-tipping.

There’s a real dip in quality of Enid Blyton’s writing.


The latest book from Wales
"101 ways to do lamb"
There's even a few recipes in it


Being tested positive for Covid, I did the only thing any normal person would do. I met up with all the people who I haven't spoken to for years for whatever reason, (usually because they're cunts) and went out and had a beer with them and a good old handshake and firmly buried the hatchet.

It's good to share.



Racism in sport.

To be honest, I couldn't be less interested.

I don't give a shit.

I mean it's...

Cricket and Pakis.


It is said asylum seekers such as Liverpool bomber change to Christian religion in order to say they would be at risk if sent back to home country and these people can change to become Christian in just five weeks after completing a basic course. What they don’t say is how easy that course is.I became Christian when I was baptised and I was only six weeks old (I can’t even remember doing any course) and like most asylum seekers I couldn’t speak a word of English then either.


KFC? I didn't even know Kentucky had a football team.



Azeem Rafiq said when he was 15 some lads held him down and poured red wine down his throat ...
I tried that excuse with the wife several times trust me it doesn't wash.



I took a real slut home on Saturday and as she sucked my cock I noticed a tattoo on her shoulder with two birds in flight.
Hmmmm swallows I thought.



SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have?
SCOOBY DOO: rabies.
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant.




I heard that the next bond movie they are going to start of the film with bond as a man and thru the film he will gradually turn into a women ,
They’ve called it cocktopussy...



Over a few pints,a good mate told me the
other day, that there were only four types of female orgasm!

1) The 'Positive' -

"Yes, YES, YEEEES..."!

2) The 'Negative' -

"No NO, NOOOOOOOOOO!

3) The 'Religious' -

"Omigod OHMIGOD - JEEEEEEEESUS CHRIST"...!

and 4) The 'Faked' -

"Oh Stan, STAN, STAAAAAAAAAAAAAN"...



New toy to hit the shops for Christmas.

It's a talking Muslim doll.

Nobody knows what the fuck it says, because no one has the guts to pull the fucking cord....




Oscar Wilde said that 'sarcasm is the lowest form of wit'.

Well, using a kazoo I just farted the tune of 'Blowin In The Wind'.

One-nil to me, I think.


That expensive new media room will finally get some significant use this Christmas as the Cabinet plan to put on a pantomime of The Wizard of Oz. Nominations please as to which ministers will play the part of the murderous Dorothy, the coward, the brainless one and the heartless one.
No, the PM can’t play more than one part.




Women squirting is a big thing in sex nowadays. I reckon I must be one of the sexiest men alive. The ladies usually piss themselves as soon as I take off my pants.

[Bikkie]

Adele thinks her new album "could actually save a few lives".

Especially if you don't listen to it...




There is no room for racism. You have to join a waiting list.



Priti Patel wants to pay Albania a hundred grand apiece, to hold illegal immigrants until their immigration cases are heard.



I get the feeling that she's the mug who bought Del boy's homing pigeon 6 times.



Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or even an expensive bottle of perfume for Christmas, but she will NEVER forget the Christmas you got her a new mop, NEVER.




These days my bowel movements are like buses, nothing for ages then two come along at once.

And they're always bright red.




I`m English and I went up to Scotland, Inverness to be exact, for the first time for a few days on holiday.

What a great time I had and what lovely, friendly people who love to party!

Last night I fell in with a group of locals in a pub and got hyper-drunk on Scotch whiskey.

Just before closing time, a girl in a tartan skirt sidled up to me, and when she told me she was wearing nothing underneath I knew I was well in!

I did anal with her back at my hotel room, she blew me off and we fell asleep in each other`s arms.

I was so drunk I slept until midday and she had gone without waking me.

Now I`m on the train going home. Just cap it all, I`ve just had a nice friendly text from some guy called Hamish saying he met me in the pub last night, and if I go up there again, he wants me to stay with him.




I said to my wife over dinner - "You remind me of my favourite Beatles song"

"Mmmm Sexy Sadie?" - she said, looking wide eyed and taking my hand.

"No.... Hey Bulldog"




Watching a film with an all black cast.

I prefer Planet Of the Apes myself.
Azeem Rafiq apologises for historical anti-Semitic tweets.

The curry munching hypocrite has been caught out.

Much like in his cricket career.


Azeem Rafiq has apologised for making antisemitic comments in messages from 2011.

Just another case of the pot calling the kettle brown.


Fuck you Rafiq..

You were never ever qualified for white balls cricket.



This new guy started at work that says he's "non-binary" and wears mascara and lipstick, and anyway today he unbelievably approached me flanked by the HR lady and demanded I stop using the term "guys" to refer to him or others in general as this "assumes being male as the default superior gender !"

"Ok, that's fine Buddy."


Mental Health Authorities are on standby this weekend as are The Samaritans. It's fuck all to do with Seasonal Affect Syndrome. Adele is doing a show on Sunday night on national TV.


if two two is twenty two, three three is thirty three, why isnt one one onety one


'Prince Harry releases 15-point action plan to defeat fake news'.

1. Get rid of Meghan..



I just had a Youtube video come on where the "Crossfit" team from San Francisco is called the "San Francisco Fire."

Probably the other F word to describe people from San Francisco would have been too obvious.


To all the woke people out there thinking they are defending black people by stamping out supposedly racist language and cancelling people for telling jokes, it's a bit presumptuous to think that they can't defend themselves.

They all have knives, they can handle themselves just fine.



I was at the COP26 conference.

We had spring water and Glacier mints.

Ate a bowl of alphabetti spaghetti the other day and later on, passed 25 intact letters of the alphabet.

I shit u not.


I am glad to say we live an age where people increasingly accept things previous generations would not have.

For a while now, most people have been comfortable with LGB.

A further little step was made when we progressed to recognising the existence of LGBT.

I think it`s a great improvement that we now accept queer folks of various types, LGBTQ.

But how about Paedophiles and Zoophiles? They are out there too, you know.

I am looking forward to the day when even using “LGBTQPZ” means no-one bats an eyelid.

Followed by “Seven letter word, Q, Z, triple word score - that wraps this game up!”


The Government banning porn.

Is like the BBC banning bullshit...



If Cop26 were a person

I'm phasing down my heroin use
Curbing my drinking
Cutting back on my gambling
And shall republish this pledge again next year ...
Trust me .....I'm clean.



I was watching a porno where this guy was fucking this girl doggy

Or as some people call them, a bitch


BBC NEWS: Cocaine haul found in shipment of onion rings.

I always wondered why they were so moreish

[Piper]

My whole family and
everyone I know was
fucking livid with me
when I tried to forcibly
stop my oldest daughter
from seeing her black
boyfriend.
It surprised me because
They all thought me a hero
when she was little and I
didn't let her keep cuddling
that Golly Toy that she
fucking loved.


My wife filled my passport
application form in but it
was rejected because in
the box marked "sex" she
wrote October 17th 2006


I got drunk in the pub
last night, got into
massive row with
the wife which ended
with me headbutting
her.
A Scottish bloke
confronted me and
accused me of
cultural appropriation.


What do Gordon
Ramsay and niggers
have in common?
They love using a
good kitchen knife.


I tried that cbd oil
but it's nowhere
as good as smoking
weed.


A DILEMMA is a
difficult choice with
two possible options.

A TRILEMMA is
a difficult choice
with the possible
options.

And a CONUNDRUM
is a difficult choice
with an infinite
number of possible
drum kit options.


"Diamonds are a girl's best
friend"
Oh. I thought it was
tampons


Cricket whistle blower
Azeem Rafiq is once
again being called upon to
apologise after shocking
historical tweets were
found confirming that he's
a whiny little twat.


Azeem Rafiq said when
he was 15 some lads held
him down and poured red
wine down his throat...
I simply don't believe him
as he was born in Karachi,
Pakistan he would have
that fishy smell so it
would have had to have
been white wine poured
down his throat.

[Piper]

A UK man went to court
for the right to marry his
laptop computer.
He said his laptop
computer is just like a
wife because whenever
he brings it into bed it
freezes.


If a female boxer starts
her period during a fight,
should her corner throw in
the towel?


They say 'a bird in the
hand is worth two in the
bush,' but my local brothel
has a completely different
pricing structure.


WHO very worried about
Covid rise in Europe.
'You talkin bout my
vaccination' said Roger
Daltrey.


Cutting off arms to Saudi
Arabia would be like
selling snow to Eskimos.


Instead of ever using
pepper spray.
Couldn't the Police just
play songs by Adele.


I love Adele's fast songs ;
they end sooner.


Tim Paine should have
known better.
Good cricketer never
expose their middle stump.


The EU are cracking down
on people who've not yet
had their jab.
That means Scotland
is fine, they inject
themselves every day.


Prince Charles uses diesel
engines for Sandringham's
Christmas lights after
saying we've in the last
chance saloon to tackle
climate change.
Not surprising really. He
once said he wanted to be
Camilla's tampon, and he's
achieved his ambition.
To be a stuck-up cunt.


This new guy was at
our Dark Web cannibal
meetup and he spat out
the drink I made him
"I guess you don't like the
penis colada."

[Bikkie]

NHS ONLINE SYMPTOM FINDER:

Please list symptoms below.

STRESS.......LACK OF INTEREST......APATHY.....FEELING OF SELF HARM.....LOW LIBIDO......CRYING......IRRITATED.......THE URGE TO KILL.......LISTLESS.......FEELING WORTHLESS.

RESULTS: STOP WATCHING AND LISTENING TO ADELE.....SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY.



Dear John Lewis. To go one better than this years Christmas advert, how about next year.
Imagine the scene...St Winifreds school choir singing " Silent night, Holy night...arghhhhhhhhh" as a Muslim grooming gang appears in bed sheets and flip flops from the Xmas trees.



Why do they persist with that magic trick in porn ?

When the girl opens her empty mouth , we all know where the semen has gone.


I'm a cop and I was recently sent to the roof of a building where there was a black man standing near the edge. It was an easy job. I started playing music by Adele and the fucker jumped.

Fuck you Rafiq..

You were never ever qualified for white balls cricket.



After she died,Cilla Black arrived at the Pearly Gates. St Peter go his register out and asked
" Name ?"
" Cilla Black" she replied
" Occupation ?"
" Singer and t.v. game presenter"
St Peter looked up and said " I was a huge fan of yours. Forget the formalities, just STEP INSIDE LUV " !!!



Things came to a head in the HR meeting at work today where the trannies and non-bis and such gave me an ultimatum to "stop using gender-specific language and don't call them cocksuckers and such, or else !"

I laughed off their threats again, until they started brandishing big black dildos and strap-ons like truncheons.




It was the other two members of The Police who sent the Message in a Bottle.

They knew poststing it would be difficult.



My new girlfriend offered me a deep-throat blow job. To my delight, after a few minutes of eager guzzling, she stopped and said “I can’t get enough of you”, and then resumed sucking.
Turns out she was expressing her dismay my 3½“ member.

[Piper]

Sure you can get your
wife jewellery or an
expensive bottle of
perfume for Christmas,
but she will NEVER forget
the Christmas you got her
a new mop, Never.


My wife thinks I've got
a drink problem just
because I like a Bailey's at
Christmas.
I'd hardly call it a problen.
Even I find it a bit sickly
after the fifth pint.


It always makes me feel
Christmasy when you go
to the supermarket and
see the easter eggs on the
shelves.


Do this to your enemy at
Christmas.
Steal a new fancy luxury
car like an Audi or BMW or
Tesla.
Put a big bow on the car
and park it outside your
enemy as house, with a
HUGE sign on it saying "To
My wonderful wife ( insert
enemy's wife'’s name )..
Love from your husband
( insert name of enemy )"
Then stand back and
watch the fireworks when
she comes out and sees it
on Christmas day.


My car has increased in
value yet again today,
that's the advantage of a
tank full of petrol.
I'm waiting until after
Christmas before I sell it.


This year with the big fat
bearded red-nosed wife
for Christmas, I'm sure that I
and no one else will get
any gifts from her, and
she'll do nothing but drink
all the eggnog and eat all
the mince pies.


Now pigs in blankets
could be off this
Christmas.
Don't give a fuck. I never
liked the Wife's family
anyway..



When Xmas gifts collide -

"Mom, why is your
bedroom door locked? My
new radio-controlled car
won't work, someone has
taken the batteries out"
BZZZZZZZ "O. h. o. h. o. h.."
BZZZZZZZ "...r.e.a.l.l.y..

BZZZZZZZ
h.o.n.e.y.?" BZZZZZZZ



A survey has revealed
4% of Americans believe
human beings and
dinosaurs lived at the
same time.
True that. I've seen The
Flintstones.
And clearly dinosaurs
were still around less than
2,000 years ago, cos there
was a Christmas special.
Checkmate atheists!


Santa Claus was asked
if he wants to be buried
when he dies.
No, he said, he'd sooner
go up the chimney.


Microsoft have released
a festive advent calendar
this Christmas.
No chocolates just a
load of fucking updates
every time you open your
windows.


"Ho ho ho! And what
would you like for
Christmas little girl?"
"Your hand out of my
flower"


I showed the Christmas
spirit this year as I gave
even the flies in my local
area a present, when I
took a shit in the middle
of the park.


Every Christmas Ant
And Dec volunteer with
a children's charity in
Newcastle. They go
around houses of
disadvantaged children
and put up decorations
to try and bring a bit of
festive cheer. Ant does the
living room, Dec the Halls.


The News : "Because
people of color are
invisible, the racism
against them is also
invisible."

Me: "Because Santa
Claus is invisible, the
Lamborghini, I got
for Christmas is also
invisible. That's why you
can't see it."

[Bikkie]

Hey boyos, tweeting this from hospital. Played a drinking game with a mate—we watched the adverts on I’m a Celebrity and had to take a shot every time a nigger popped up.

…I’m getting the liver transplant next week



Just been watching an advert for the Samaritans on telly.
Then a commercial break said the Adele concert would resume shortly.



Adele persuades Spotify to REMOVE the shuffle button so that albums now automatically play in the artist's designated order.

She also requested they remove the 'Delete Album' button - but this was declined.


Got the sister in law legs akimbo on the table and I'm snookered...don't know whether to take the pink or the brown...


I said to the doctor, "I've had kleptomania for years now."

He said, "Are you taking anything at the moment?"

I said, "Yes, your wallet."



Love is... Waking up in the morning and discovering she hasn't scarpered


Black Lewis Hamilton won the Qatar grand prix.

The World Cup 2022 country with human rights concerns and where homosexuality is illegal and the death penalty is possible.

The race in a race with a race in a race.


My wife got a new tattoo of her mother.

If there’s one thing I hate it's her getting naked and seeing a picture of the Mother - In - Law...



Just got myself a new hybrid.

Although she prefers the term pre-op trans woman.



Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet him.

[Piper]

RNLI

ROYAL NIGGER LIBERATION
Infantry


Last night I saw everyone
running out of my local pub
screaming.
It wasn't on fire; some
cunt had played an Adele
track on the jukebox.


Listened to Adele while
watching Rocky and I'm
Finally able to cry again...


Apparently members of
ISIS are terrified of being
killed by women soldiers,
as they believe they will go
straight to Hell.
We should really mess
with their minds by
sending Caitlyn Jenner
after them.
We'd only need to arm her
with a car, too.


LGBTQ+children still
find life at school,
unacceptably tough,
because of ignorance, say
activities.
Talk about dumbing down.
Algebra is meant to be
challenging! fucking
snowflakes.


Online dating

Women: I hope he's not
a weirdo, or a serial
killer, or needy, control
freak, violent, unhygienic,
unemployed, perceived,
bad-tempered, ill-mannered,
insecure cheater.

Men: I hope she's not fat.


The wife's raised a
shitload of money for
charity.
She always does in
November.


Heavy Metal fans.
Pretend that you are at a
'Socially distanced Mosh
pit' by drinking 10 pints
then staggering around
outside in the car park.


Why do mice have such
small balls?.
Because very few of them
know how to dance.


A new study shows that
the sixe of an average
penis has decreased by
10% due to the covid
injections.
So, that means it's down
to 8 inches, right Men.


Our hospitals are under
stress with people having
to wait to get admitted
because so many NHS
resources are still being
used due to Covid. If
majority of people hadnÂ’t
been vaccinated we
would be isolating still
and economy ruined. If
everybody had jabs things
would ease more than
they have but these anti-vac
people refuse to get the
point.


Around the house, we
again have the pitter-patter
of tiny feet.
I can't believe that like
in the film "Me myself
and Irene," my wife has
actually began cheating
on me with a black midget.


Overheard in the
hairdressers, two females
talking.. "I know you like
Him but is he into you?"
said the brunette, "Yes"
giggled the blonde "but
only about 2%"


Will men and women
understand each other?
We say the same words
yet can mean totally
opposite things. When
a female tells her friend
down the pub "when I get
home I'm going to give
him a mouth full"...


Sir Elton John went to
Buckingham Palace to
receive the Order of the
Companions from Prince
Charles.
Isn't that what Jeffrey
Epstein got from Prince
Andrew?

[Bikkie]

Old? Alone this Christmas?

That's society's way of tellng you you're a cunt.



Prince Andrews diary has just been made public.

His last entry was thirteen years old.




As my wife lay in a coma the doctor approached me and said,
"Music is a great healer, bring your wife's favourite music in and it could bring her out of it quite quickly. "

So I bought Adele's new album in, should be good for ten years now.




I was walking through the forrest admiring the trees when I came across one that had food, jars and tinned goods hanging from it.

It was a pantry.




Thank god. I’ve finally reached the age.

Where I can pretend to be hard of hearing with my wife...




With all these black people acting in so many TV ads, I’m starting to get worried. Who’s going to pick the cotton to make my Christmas socks this year?




Putting Michael Barrymore in charge of Kent RNLI seems to be working a treat.





Top 3 situations that require witnesses:

1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages.






I was watching the weather channel earlier and the guy said by the end of the week Scotland could be white over.

I guess they take no-nut november pretty serious up there if they're gonna be having a nation wide release.





What's Michael J.Fox's favourite Christmas song?

Jingly bells.




I stepped outside this morning and suddenly heard "�� when will I see you again? ��"
It was only three degrees




Who is the World Health Organisation?

Yes




Been told by the wife to get my arse to the chemist and pick up some viagra.

She wasn't a twat about it, but did mention I last about as long as Azeem Rafiq's TV career.




Just thinking about the jokes on here.
One liners are always welcome..

Especially if it’s coke,



I was climbing this tree when one of the branches gave way and I slipped and fell on to my back.

The wife went mad as I'd squashed all the Christmas presents underneath it.



Apparently the hornier you are, the more forgetful you are?

Did you know that the hornier you are, the more forgetful you are?



How do architects, engineers and male pornstars gain fame?

Through their erections



An group of archaeologists gathered to find the leg bone of an ancient man

It was a real shindig


At the start of the pandemic Robbie Williams was using antibacterial wipes.
But now he's loving hand gel instead.



Someone suggested getting a stripper for my wife's 60th birthday. What a fantastic idea that turned out to be.

She only has the paper to hang now.



With my wife, it was sex, sex, sex...

Yes, three times in 20 years...



"I warn you," I said to the prostitute, "I like sex to be rough."
"Dont worry," she sighed, "I'm prepared for anything you've got."
"Great," I replied, as I slipped on my sandpaper condom.



Well I've got a new phone, watched some porn, (like you do), set up mobile banking, managed to upload a video, took some HD pics of the dogs, used facebook, checked all my email, nearly bought a guitar on ebay, had messages of women in my area who want to have sex with me, (I knew this was a scam because one of them was my wife). Now if only I knew how to make a fucking phone call on it, it would be just the job.




I sat my girlfriend down and said to her, "I don't think we're going to work."

She said, "Why not?"

I said, "Well, we're both fucking unemployed."



There are only two types of people who are against drugs.

The people who have never done drugs and the people who are dead from doing drugs...




Saw an advert on tv for a donkey sanctuary,if I send £3 a month I could adopt a donkey.They also promised to send me photographs.
Two weeks after I set up my direct debit,I got a welcome pack containing 4 pictures of Harry Maguire.




Husband calls wife and says "Remember thirty years ago when we were really broke and we were window shopping and we saw a magnificent diamond necklace worth over £200,000?"
Intrigued, the wife says "Yes. . I remember that necklace. You promised me that day that one day when you were rich enough, you would buy that necklace for me"
The husband says "Do you remember the location of the jewellery shop?"
Excited now, the wife says "Yes! I do. . . I remember exactly where it is!"
The husband says "Good. Because I've been drinking all afternoon with some mates in a pub that's just across the road from that jewellery shop and I need you to come and pick me up, because I'm too pissed to drive"




I went to school with Roy 'Chubby' Brown.

One time in metalwork class he asked, 'How the fuck am I going to take the burr off this piece of mild steel?'

I replied, 'Use Flat Bastard! Use Flat Bastard!'




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A parable for Sunday,

While out for his morning constitutional, God was strolling past the Pearly Gates when he heard a commotion. He stopped to enquire what was going on.
“It’s him” said St Peter”
“Him who ?” Said God
“Him, Richard Dawkins” said St Peter
“What does he want ?” Said God, forgetting he was God and knew everything.
“He wants to come in” replied St Peter
“Well he can’t” said God “he’s an atheist, tell him to eff off”
At this point Dawkins interrupts.
“God” he said “who made you ?”
“No one” replied God
“No one” said Dawkins “you believe that no one made you ?
“Yes” said God “now be off before I smite you”
“Ha” replied a smug looking Dawkins “so you’re an atheist”.
God thought about this for a moment and then suddenly disappeared in a thick cloud of embarrassment taking the physical construct of heaven with him.
Ignoring all the pissed off martyrs and regretful saints, a lecherously smiling Peter (having now dropped the St prefix) went off to chat up the soon, no longer to-be-virgin, Mary.

And they all lived happily ever after, at least the atheists did.



An escort buys excess condoms.

A Chinese man buys XS condoms.




Glues, about time for an updated comparative review so we asked the experts.

Epoxy Resin. If you can get round the mixing and curing time restraints, it is an excellent all purpose adhesive for flesh, metal and tarmac. Don't mix the two caps up or you'll be fucked next time.

Loctite Gel. Sets clear and very quickly, good for application on palm of hand to passing policeman's face.

Blutak okay for a quick temporary fix but fails above 23 Celsiusl

Solvite wallpaper adhesive, handy for sticking oneself spreadeagled to the side of a police transit van, but loses adhesive properties above 40mph.

Bostik, Evo Stick and UHU are useless, a waste of money.

Epoxy Putty...excellent for bonding and strength, but the lengthy setting time means you need to be in position about 7 hours before 'the event'

Hot Glue. More or less OK although it will burn flesh before setting, long lead and mains a.c. supply required.

Eventually we turned to Trent Reznor and he recommended a lump hammer and nine inch nails.



An cautious visit to Victoria’s Secret.
“Good morning Sir, how can I help you select that or any other item of clothing ?”
Me “Er..no thanks….just sniffing….sorry, I meant browsing.”
“Would Sir like me to wrap that garment for him ?”
“No thank you, I’ll eat it here……er….just joking”
Is the garment for someone special Sir ?”
“Oh yes, it’s for my special friend”
“What size is your special friend Sir, we cover a wide size range ?”
“Ah, it varies, she’s…..how do I phrase it…..she’s inflatable”
“A blow up doll….really, you ought to be ashamed Sir, we don’t cater for those !”
“No, no, she’s much more than that, she’s the Fuckme 2000 Pro model, with lactating tits, and an easily cleaned semen tray for each orifice. Her throbbing fanny has eight different programmable speeds. Her anus is made from memory foam and her mouth and tongue have the versatility of an Olympic standard contortionist.”
“Oh Sir you should have said so when you first came in, you need the gold section of the store, in the basement”

“Would Sir like a tissue to wipe up his drool ?




Starting a family in the twenty first century.

First step, age 4, gets a goldfish, goldfish found dead in toy box.
Second step, age 7, gets a pet hamster to nurture, hamster dies in door closing accident
Third step, age 9, adopts a kitten from the local cattery, kitten runs away after only two weeks
Fourth step, age 11, gets a tamagotchi, tamagotchi is swapped for two kit-kats and a gob stopper
Fifth step, age 18, given a potted plant by grandmother, plant dies of thirst.
Sixth step, age 21, gets job in nursery, 3 children die of negligence drinking bleach.
Seventh step, age 35…”honey, we’ve been married for five years now, fancy a bareback shag”…..”Oh yes love, I can’t wait to have children”.

[Bikkie]

When I was a kid, my mum told me - 'do what makes you happy'.

So I became a crack addict.



During an international press conference in Beijing, an Ameican reporter asked Chinese president Xi Jinping when he had his last election.

Xi Jinping replied, "Just befole bleakfast this molning."



Just seen a scat porn film starring Ronnie O'sullivan and a group of mixed race women.

In the final frame he got 10 points for potting his pink in a brown but gave away a 7 point penalty for fouling on the black.


A slow news days when the headlines are
" A bulb gets screwed"



Harry Maguire has been praised by Social Media campaigners after he blocked an abusive Troll on Twitter.

Which ironically is the most succesful block he has made all season..


I watched a few episodes of the black and white minstrel show last night.

Or the supermarket Christmas ads to give them their proper name.



The truth is, I have very little sympathy for transgender types: shameless and tiresome publicity stunts, sexual perversions, demanding to be referred to by personal pronouns which don't hint at their natural gender, overprivileged fuckers demanding to be treated like royalty. We get enough of all that from the fucking Royal Family.



We had a "Talent competition" at our company event yesterday and this Asian guy with a different branch actually brought out his guitar and sang "Born this Way" by Lady Gaga quite off-key and with a thick Oriental accent.

He asked me what I thought of it and I said, "It was Horrific."

"Hank you very much."


I passed the YMCA today and a lad was outside stroking a duck
I said 'young man theres no need to feel down'



Why does Elton John want Queen Elizabeth to die?

So he can be Britain's oldest Queen...

[Piper]

Due to Covid, international
travel is like having sex
with Freddie Mercury.
Your passage might be
smooth if you're lucky but
in the long term, you're
going to pay for it


Boris Johnson announces
UK response to Omicron
more injections.
If this keeps up
people will be new getting titles such
as
Prick Of The Year.


Environmentalists say the
Green Belt is in danger of
disappearing in Britain.
I agree, I can't remember
the last time I saw
someone wearing one


Elton John loves making
replicas of Chinese
pottery made between
1368 and 1644 on his
computer.
He calls it gayming.


"Clint Eastwood wins
$6m in damages in CBD
lawsuit"
Do I feel lucky? You bet I
do, punk.

[Bikkie]

My wife said that the baby had weed in his nappy. I excitedly removed the nappy only to find piss, the lying bitch.



What do you call a black man who won't leave his house?

On parole.


DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles


My daughter once got mad because I was watching one of those DIY home shows with her kids in the room and she actually sneered, "I want them to watch something that has plenty of people-of-colour in it."

"Fair enough," I replied, as I flipped it over to Crimewatch.



I always thought Frank Williams' ambition in racing was a tad unrealistic.

How the fuck was he supposed to compete with a F1 car sitting in that thing?




....and on the sixth day, just after teatime, God got bored and made a mermaid.
"What am I ?" said the mermaid.
"You are the top half of a human and the bottom half of a fish" said God.
"OK" said the mermaid "what do I do ?"
"You lure sailors to their death when the sirens have a day off" replied the almighty.
"Do I get any clothes ?" asked the mermaid, looking down at her huge floating lady bags
"Indeed yes" came the reply "sea shells"
If they don't fit what should I do ?" she queried.
"Well then" answered God, "in that case you could try some a, b or d shells on for size"

At which point did you guess the punch line



Unbelievably at work they're talking about re-doing the bathrooms and blasting out the urinals because of this SJW thing that's come up in Sweden that they want to fucking copy that "Men should be forced to sit to pee."

My black coworker was moaning more loudly about it than anyone and said "I's always dropping my large cock right in the toilet water !"

He then looked at me and unbelievably said, "You wife tells me that you never have this problem."



The Chinese community in Liverpool always cook in pairs.

They never Wok alone.



It was minus 7 last night. Snow White slept on her own.



Well face masks are compulsory again.

Muslim women have been wearing them for thousands of years



I accidentally dropped a load of Viagra on the floor shortly after taking one.
I was crawling around on all fives for about half an hour looking for them.



Loud screaming has been suggested as a means of surviving a bear attack. And Adele music.





My dad often says I'm not worth a wank.

I guess that explains why I was born then.




I use soap when having a wank.

Feels good to cum clean



A woman picks out a nice pair of high heels and goes to the cashier.
The cashier says the price and the woman starts rummaging through her purse for notes and coins. She adds up the total and gives it to the cashier who then counts it out.



"Hmm," says the cashier, scratching his head, "that's £64.50...you're a bit short."



"I know it's not enough money," snaps the woman, "but there's no need to criticize my height."




I was watching my son climbing a tree and when he got near to the top he shouted down at me "wow! I'm so high"

I shouldn't of given him that joint to be honest



When I was a kid my parents used to threaten me that if I wasn't a good boy, all I'd get for Christmas was a sack of coal.
With gas prices the way they are now, I'd fucking take that.



"Women are terrible with directions", I told my wife.

"Where are you going with this?", she asked.


Q: What's better than eating A Mandarin?
A: Eating Amanda out



It was dark out and the woman in the car coming the opposite way from me had her main beam on. It was blindingly bright so I started flashing her.

She'll think twice about keeping her main beam on next time she sees a pedestrian with a drape coat on.



Prince Andrews diary has just been made public.

His last entry was thirteen years old.


How did the two arsonists meet?


A match on tinder.


'OK children, here are the names of those chosen for the Nativity play.
Emma Dreaming, Arfur White, Chris Moss, with Avery Kriss, Moss Carr, Dai Wright, Meyer Dazeby, Mary-Ann Bright, and May Allyer, Kris Moses, Bea White.

(Nod to the Goodies.)

[Bikkie]

Top Tip:
Pedestrians, instead of using the pavement, simply walk in the cycle lanes.
This will minimise the chance of being hit by a bike or scooter.


Chin masks are once again mandatory.



My dad often says I'm not worth a wank.

I guess that explains why I was born then.


Finally I saw an ad where they didn't put any black people.

It was about some kids doing FamilyTreeDNA tests.


'Customers at Britain's highest pub snowed in with Oasis tribute band for three days'.

I thought the tribute band Oasis broke up in 2009.



This has to be a joke from the DVSA who are trying to recruit Driving Examiners.

"We welcome applications from every part of the community. We’re particularly interested to hear from Black, Asian, and Minority Ethnic people, women, disabled people, and those who identify as LGBT+. We believe everyone is involved in making DVSA an inclusive and great place to work."

I don't suppose if you're a white man...


Between the ages of 15 and 52, an average woman will have had about 450 periods, assuming she bleeds for a week, that will be nearly 9 years of bleeding. So what explains their behaving like cunts for the other 28 years ?




Watching Peter Jackson's Beatles documentary made me wish I could go back in time

And stop Yoko from being conceived


I phoned the doctor's and asked for an appointment.

"How about 10 tomorrow?," said the receptionist.

"No thanks," I replied, "I just want one."

[Piper]

I had my daughter's
useless black boyfriend
try and train at boxing to
give him a purpose in his
life.
"You're actually good
at always keeping your
hands up," I said..."That's
a coaching cue you
already get a lot though,
from the cops."


A new study claims that
during sex, 43% of men
finish within two minutes.
And one minute of that is
opologizing.


I reckon whoever invented
the tie was trying to
commit suicide but
suddenly thought" hang
on,that looks quite nice. "


These days my bowel
movements are like buses,
Nothing for ages then two
came along at once.
And they're always bright
red.


This year's novelty
Prince Andrew
Christmas Advent
calendar has been
scrapped due to a
design fault.
Apparently, only the
flaps from 12-10
would open.

My wife's started doing
these "women's only"
feminist seminars that
say they will "expand her
mind"
"Great, you'll go from one
brain cell to two"


I keep a taser gun in my
pocket.
For when my wife says we
need to talk.


I saw this black guy
doing some jogging that
seemed to also be adding
some strength-training to
his conditioning.
I thought it was a bit
over-the-top though to
be running with a 70 inch
Plasma.


I'm a bit unsure about
the Bible : Take Mathew
chapter 6 verse 3 for
example...
"Don't let your left hand
know what your right hand
is doing"
What's it expecting
your right hand to say
when your left hand is
squeezing her nipple? "
" Hey mate I've got two
fingers up her snatch? "


I've just been shuffling the
new Adele album between
" on" and "off" and I have
to say, it sounds amazing
50% of the time.


Adele's agent boyfriend
will step in to manage her.
I'd keep one eye on that
bank account if I was her.

[Bikkie]

A driver has fainted after delivering a thousand Duracell batteries to a shop.

Fuck me, another energy supplier collapses.




BREAKING NEWS:

ADELE confirms Las Vegas residency at Caesars Palace.

Closer to the ' all you can eat buffets', I guess.




Omicron sounds like the name of an evil Transformer.



The new Covid variant has been named 'Omicron', which some people have observed is an anagram of 'Moronic'.

Yup, it's definitely evolving to fit the anti-mask anti-vaccine brigade.



People must remember that black youths carry knives due to circumstances outside of their control.

Guns aren't legal in the UK and therefore are difficult to get hold of.



After watching the new Beatles documentary,

I now understand how long eight hours feels.



India has announced that it will put a man on the Moon next year and has already narrowed the astronauts down to one of two.
Raj or Ramjeet...


Looking forward to the modern day reboot of the Ninja Turtles, featuring lady turtles who develop the unerring ability to appear the instant a man wins the lottery

Females In A Nutshell - Coming soon.


I was hotboxing my car getting high as shit when I heard a little voice say "arent you a little too old to be doing this now" "yeah, you're right" I thought, I threw the joint out the window and finished dropping my kid off at school.



I've got a great idea for a TV show & you could guarantee that the Jews nor the Asians would be interested.

"The Great British Bac-on"


just brought the Liverpool advent calendar......

Windows boarded up and the front door kicked in and all the chocolates stolen.....

[Bikkie]

I don't recommend the Jehovah's Witnesses advent calendar, no matter how hard you try, the doors won't open.


Jon Snow: King of the North

Everton FC: Spurs of the North



After all these years I'm finally willing to admit it.
I let the dogs out.



HRH The Queen was this morning described as ‘being comfortable’ in hospital. Her Royal Majesty was taken to hospital after inhaling the fumes from her Rihanna album collection which she was busy burning at the time.
She was incensed at reports of the new Republican status of Barbados, not only had another colony bitten the dust but another hidey-hole for Andrew had been lost.

Wait until she discovers that Sir Cliff Richard has dual citizenship


What do we want?!

An end to procrastination!

When do we want it?!!

Tomorrow!!


Aging has caused me to need glasses.

Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of Jack Daniels...


Dear Santa,
Everyone needs a mask for Christmas, ensure there is a plentiful supply in every stocking, one of my mates will contact you if necessary.

For Matt Hancock, will you supply a multipack of time-expired condoms, packaged with some holly.
Chancellor Rushing, likes money, being of Asian extraction give him sacks full of shiny chocolate money (diabetes onset etc).

Priti always always looking for suitable destinations on which to dump pesky immigrants, please drop her off on Rockall after leaving Downing Street….one way trip only for her. Leave her a dinghy if you like.

I’ve been a really good boy all year, despite those prats I work with and their incessant failures and short comings.
My contribution to climate change means you can leave your sleigh at Svalbard and use commercial transportation from then on. Surely that cunt Greta will have a night off and miss you.
The Right Hon Greg Hands, energy minister seems to have cocked up his ministerial oversight of many, now defunct energy companies.
It could be a cold Christmas is there any chance you could leave me some coal ?
Yours Sincerely
Boris J


All the neighbours know when I have a girl round, they can't sleep through the night for all the shaking orgasm screams. I mean I really go to town and end up with a sore throat by the end of it.




I met a bloke who was almost a cunt.

He was an assistant referee.



If it's yellow, let it mellow.

If it's brown, flush it down.

Rules for new pupils on day one at senior school.



The Northeast right now is being hit with a major snowstorm.

Forecasters say people have not seen a white-out like this since cocaine was seized from an address in Litherland in Liverpool earlier today.

[Piper]

"So, what’re you getting
your little boy for
Christmas?"
"I'm not sure, he really
likes that TV show Snow
Patrol"
"Don't you mean Paw
Patrol?"
"Oh yeah! Not sure why
I get them confused. I
guess it's because you
see them a lot of the time
chasing cars."


Support the working
classes this year by
only buying Trade Union
endorsed Christmas tree
lights.
But be careful though, if
one goes out, they all go
out.


RAL personal have
assisted Saudi Arabia in
their war against Yemen.
Why is Ewan McGregor
making appeals for money
for Yemeni refugees?
He should just ask his
fighter pilot brother to
stop fucking bombing
them.

[Piper]

Mariah Carey has told
Lorraine Kelly that she
needed sex men to
carry her dress for her
upcoming Christmas
special.
Shoulda taken it off first
chubby.


Snow trap 60
people in Yorkshire pub
for 3 days with Oasis
tribute band.
So, hell freezes over?


Former woman's cricketer
Eileen Ash has died at the
age of 110.
One hell of an innings.


'I would drink to make
other people interesting! ;
Adele admits.
Ironically, that's how I
cope with her music..?


BREAKING NEWS :

ADELE confirms Las
Vegas residency at
Caesars Palace.
Closer to the `all you can
eat buffet's' I guess.


Apparently if you play
Adele's 30 album
backwards it sounds less
depressing.


Scottish homes having to
burn wood to stay warm
due to power cuts from
storm Arwen.
And Greta Thunberg was
telling the Scots they
aren't doing enough at
the climate summit last
month.


Last weekend I got stuck
in Britain’s highest pub.
This weekend I think I’ll try
it's dirtiest brothel.


My neighbours sent me a
Christmas card and in it
said,`merry Christmas. p. s
thankyou for the sugar'
and added a picture of
them enjoying a cuppa.
I felt obliged to do the
same so I sent them
a card that said, 'merry
Christmas. p. s thankyou
for the free show' and
added a picture of them
having sex through their
bedroom window.


Little Mix on temporary
hiatus according to band
spokesperson.
"you will see as again.".
exclaimed Leigh-Anne
Pinnock.

[Bikkie]

When the binmen come knocking for their Christmas tip, tell them you've left it with old Mrs Jones who lives three streets away.

See how they like it.


Are we going to stand back and watch women take the best jobs from under our noses? I was listening to a TV female football ( so called ) expert talking out of her bum hole last week.

I thought that to even things up a bit I would try for this equality thing so I applied for a job in the bra fitting department at M&S.

I phoned up the manager at the store and he called me a pervert and told me to fuck off.

Not to be thwarted I’m now going to apply for a midwifery post at the local hospital. I won’t hold my breath though.


"Passports to be removed from illegal drug users in crime crackdown, Boris Johnson says"

Wouldn't it be better to give them their passports then cancel them when they go abroad?



“What do we want?”
“Madness to stop!”
“When do we want it?”
Just after ‘Our House’ and ‘It Must be Love’



"Hello Paddy . . . " said Murphy, " . . . ye weren't about yesterday and I was looking fer ye. What happened?" Paddy replied "Didn't I tell yeez, I was out fer der day on a mystery tour. Seamus O'Flaherty from down der social club sorted it. It was a good day indeed it was. Seamus ran a sweepstake, everyone put in a €uro and took a guess at where we'd end up."
"Oh really?" observed Murphy, "And where was dat?"
"We ended up at Blarney Castle Morph, and the funny thing about it was dat Brendan der coach droiver won the 45 €uros!"


Adele's latest album has received critical acclaim. One review in particular stood out:

"Fantastic stuff. Every suspect has confessed within minutes of me putting it on."

V Putin, Moscow



I offered my girlfriend noodles after sex.
“So everything is two minutes here” she replied.



"What do we want?"
"A cure for procrastination."
"When do we want it?"
"Tomorrow."



Santa: What would you like for Christmas young man?
Boy: A Ferrari
Santa: Try be a little more realistic.
Boy: I want Covid to end.
Santa: So is that the 812 or the F8 you want?




What do you call a Scotsman who works in a cloakroom?
Angus McCoatup




Can't fucking believe it...Card Factory are displaying Easter Eggs and Cards already...



How do you make a woman cry??
Tell her she cant cook.
How do you make a feminist cry??
Tell her she must cook.



I was playing call of duty with my wife when out of the blue she admitted that she had been cheating on me. I was furious. "Are you fucking kidding me!" I shouted, I started throwing shit about and punching the walls. A few hours later I calmed down and she was surprised that I was being ok with her. To be honest, I didn't even know the game had cheat codes.

[Piper]

# I'm dreaming of a white
Christmas #
But if the white runs out.
I'll drink red.


What do we want?
'Rights to cover Wham!
songs!'
'When do we want it?
' Last Christmas! '


Every day is Christmas.
When you stop taking your
antidepressants.


"All I want for Christmas is
my two front teeth.
Drug Addicts...


I need advice! Please
Help!!
My children keep finding
their Christmas presents
that I've hidden around
the house. Someone
suggested I should just
keep them in the attic. So
I tried that last night, but
their constant crying and
whining kept me awake.
All the "I'm afraid of the
dark" or "I don't like it up
here there are spiders"
really got on my nerves.
Any other suggestions?


I was always taught if you
want something doing you
should do it yourself.
Anyway, my grandchild will
be born in May.


Don't confuse gynecology
with Judaism otherwise
you may find yourself
thinking of a Labia
Menorah


Don't mix up American
Indians and male biology
or you'll be thinking of
scrotum poles.


The harsh weather is
certainty affecting the bird
population in the UK. I
haven't seen any great tits
for quite a while. Worse
than watching women's
football.


It's a common belief
that politicians were ugly
bullied kids who were
determined to get their
revenge on the public one
day.
In other news, Therese
Coffey has banned kissing
under the Mistletoe.


We have enough doses
of the vaccine, yet still
lots of British people
stubbornly reject having
the vaccination.
If that's their attitude,
Then we should vaccinate
refugees and migrants
instead.
I'm sure they would
willingly take the jabs
British people refuse to.


We are going to have
more rules this Christmas
with a vaccine.
Than we did last
Christmas without one.


I was in the bank today
and there were four guys
there not wearing masks.
I didn't say fuck all though
because those shotguns
looked fucking scary.


Donate to Crisis At
Christmas, so that
someone can have a
hot meal, warm bed and
a fucking good hiding,
because their dealer will
know where they are on
Christmas day.
Seasons Beatings.


What do we want?
A Beatles record
When do we want it?
YESTERDAY

[Bikkie]

Since everyone started washing their hands - the peanuts at the bar have lost their taste.



A bit disappointed with my Black Lives Matter advent calendar.

Every time you open a door, you find that what was there has been looted.



Banksy offers to raise £10m to buy Reading prison for art centre.
Great idea come forward so you can be arrested for all the shit u have put on the walls over the years.


I just got the Katie Price advent calendar.

If you open its flaps you end up with some really thick chocolate.




What do we want?
And end to Autocorrect
When do we want it?
Don't give a shot



"What do we want?"
"An end to drug abuse!"
"When do we want it?"
"Not until Parliamentary Recess!"



A recent study claims that 1/3 of all men suffer from premature ejaculation.

But they don’t suffer as much as 1/3 of all women.

"Did you score with your left foot?"

"No, it was my right, " said Fred,



Black couple sue real estate agency after their home was valued at just $995,000 - but $1.42m when they had a white friend to pose as its owner.

Should be the other way round, when the neighbors find out they are no longer living next door to blacks.



What do we want.

Funding for Tourrettes

When do we want it

Fuck off you Cunt

Adele has got into the cannabis business.

Because you have to be high to like her shitty music.


After scoring the only goal of the game v palace, the scorer was asked with which foot did he score with.RIGHT said Fred !

Watching the TV earlier I thought ffs not another blackadder re-run, I don't remember this episode.
Turns out when I found my glasses it was actually Boris johnson in a silly hat doing a drug bust with the dibble.



Why are women like the weather?

Nothing can be done to change either one of them...


I had to take my wife into town today so we're doing some shopping on the high street, and naturally the topic of Crhistmas prezzies comes up for the lazy fat bitch.... and anyway we're in this store looking at ladies' watches and there's two watches that are almost the exact same, but the salesman tells us that this one watch is £200 more and that the only extra feature it has is a sun/moon indicator that "tells the difference between night and day."

My wife swooned, "Oooh this one with the moon would be so practical," and I said, "Or I can just save my money and you can do the old system of looking out the window to see if it's dark."


I asked the librarian if she had a book about “Sex in public places “

“I told you not to come in here again “ she said.

“ Yeah, that’s the one “ I said.



If you ask me what my favourite tower is?I'm leaning towards Pisa.

Christmas carol for those on low income:

Oh, the weather outside is frightful
But the coat is so delightful
And since we've no place to go
Fuck the snow, fuck the snow, fuck the snow.


I've just been smacked in the face with a wedding cake.

It bought tiers to my eyes.



We had that mandatory "Diversity-training" day at work and it it was being done by this enormous fucking black lady with an even more massive chip on her shoulder, and she was making the most insanely crass and broad-based incorrect assumptions.

She said something like, "You whiteys all LOVE black music, but yet you won't give actual black people the time of day !"]

"You're wrong again," I laughed, "I'm white and I fucking hate black-people music."

[Bikkie]

I've just been smacked in the face with a wedding cake.

It bought tiers to my eyes.


Isn't it amazing to wake up and kiss the person right by your side then caress her breasts even before her beautiful eyes have fluttered open?
Not according to British Airways the cunts got me arrested and banned me from flying with them for life.



What do we want?
A Chinese chairman
When do we want it?
Mao



Black people Logic: move to a predominantly white country and complaining your the only black at a company you chose to work for.

Its like going to gay pride and complaining your the only straight person there!

no wonder they never had rights.




Just smashed the 7th back door in on my LGBTQ Advent Calendar


Got the new Diane Abbott advent calendar, and it`s great!

Here we are on the 7th December, I`ve opened 3 doors already and there`s still 72 left.



Untangling Christmas lights.

Is the closest me and wife have ever got to S&M...


I couldn't believe how much happier my Labour-voting wife was after I finally Red-Pilled her.

That's the colour that Ecstasy comes in these days.




I don't call them Fairy lights any more.

They're called Gary Lineker lights in our house, until they come out of the closet.




I love my Pfizer Advent calendar.

Only 10 more boosters till Christmas




'That was the best sex we've ever had,' I said. 'But I have a confession to make. I've been doing your sister as well.'
'Oh, I'm not bothered about things like that at my age,' she said as I put her back in her wheelchair and plugged the oxygen cylinder back in. 'But I don't think your uncle will be too pleased.'



(1990s flashback)

Q: What do you call the five Spice Girls in a toaster?
A: Pop-tarts.


I was chilling in the bath last night.

I shouldve put hot water in really.

If someone gives you a handmade present, they're not being cheap.

Consider the time they spent finding the materials and making you a unique and special gift.

They did it because they love you.

And they're fucking cheap.



If you think your not very smart, just remember there are people who have decided not to get the Covid vaccine because of Right Said Fred.

[Piper]

We have Evian - water
you pay for that you can
drink for free and Nivea,
which claims to revitalise
skin that can be done by
drinking Evian.
When the next COVID-19
variant is announced they
might as well go straight
to the point and call it Navie.


I had to go to my son's
school and they had a big
fucking banner up reading,
"Real Superheroes wear
Masks!"
The female teacher was
absolutely fucking livid
with me when I loudly
commented, "And these
days they've turned our
Superheroes into faggots
too".


George Benson "Turn Your
Love Around" or The Anal
song as I call it.


I love the story of Santa
Claus because it brings
together my two favorite
things.
Being a part of a mass
conspiracy and lying to
children.


I worked with a Jewish
bloke once. He asked me
a question and I didn't
know, so I told him to talk
to the boss, Kyle. It was
loud, so I had to shout.
"SEE KYLE! SEE KYLE!".
I was sacked for some
reason.


what’s the difference
between a Pakistani
wedding and a 69?
You only have to kiss
one smelly cunt with a 69!


The answer may not lie
at the bottom of a bottle
but I always like to check
anyway.


Hey hey mama said the
way you move gonna
make you sweat gonna
make you groove. I sing
this to every Black Dog I
cop off with.


Sticks and stones may
break my bones
But whips and chains
excite me.


Centuries ago sacrifices
were made at the altar.
A practice known today as
marriage vows.


My kid: Daddy, where does
Piers Morgan come from?
Me: Well, when a BMW
an Audi, a LandRover and
a pick-up truck meet at a
crossroads, the arseholes
behind the wheel combine
to form one giant
arsehole. Then he gets
on the telly and becomes
Piers Morgan.


On the school-run this
morning, my two teenage
daughter's were debating
which tasted the saltiest-
Walkers or Seabrook's.
It wasn't until later I
realised the truth.
Mr Walker teaches
Geography and Mr
Seabrook does RE.

[Bikkie]

A man buys a guard dog to protect his home. Unfortunately he has to get rid of it because it keeps letting everyone in. Turns out it was a UK Border collie.


It tells you a lot about the state of politics in this country when you're more likely to be ousted by a Christmas party than the Labour party.


I met my ex-girlfriend in town earlier to hand over some letters that had been delivered to my address. We had a really nice chat over a coffee and when the time came to leave I could see she was holding back a tear.
"Are you OK?" I asked.
She smiled and replied, "You just seem so much more mature Dave. If you'd been more like this I really think we could have still been together."
With that, she kissed me on the cheek and we said goodbye.
As I watched her leave I couldn't help thinking that I'd loved to have seen her face when she found the "I take it up the arse" sticker that I'd stuck on the back of her coat.



BBC Sport "The Premier League is set to trial a saliva test that can be used to diagnose concussion"

I would imagine if you've got a load of saliva dribbling down your chin then you've probably got concussion.



"Jussie Smollett takes the stand"

Can't say I'm surprised; these thieving black cunts will take anything that isn't locked down.


Does anyone know what number I need to call to vote of Ant and Dec off I'm a celebrity? I'm sick of the cunts.



Which member of the 'Undertones' was the meanest?

Frugal Sharkey




After much heated discussion with the Mrs, we decided to maintain the interest rate on loans from the Bank of Mum and Dad at 0%, for the 22nd consecutive year despite the offering of any collateral from the customers to support those loans.

On a brighter note, Dad’s taxi service has gone into voluntary liquidation and the home catering service is currently suspended.
You win some you lose some.



On a flight home and they have just said to remove your mask before placing the emergency oxygen mask over your face.

Who needs to hear this?




BAME is now a politically incorrect term.
Let’s simplify things with a new term.
FAB
Foreign And Black


If a dove is the "bird of peace" then what's the bird of "true love"?

The swallow...



Nationwide Building Society are warning people of a new scam called 'Cash Trapping'.

New? It's been around for centuries but it's better known as marriage.




On the 1st day of Christmas my PM lied to me
We didn’t have a Christmas party.

On the 2nd day of Christmas my PM lied to me
We followed Covid rules and
We didn’t have a Christmas party

On the 3rd day of Christmas my PM lied to me
We had a business meeting
We followed Covid rules and
We didn’t have a Christmas party

On the 4th day of Christmas my PM lied to me
We made a training video
We had business meeting
We followed Covid rules and
We didn’t have a Christmas party

On the 5th day of Christmas my PM lied to me
We’ve sacked the messenger
And given 5 gold rings to all my Eton chums



What do we want ?
Absolute, total silence
When do we want it ?


Our construction site just had transferred here this "worker" from Ghana, where every single task he's put at he immediately declines and whips out a piece of paper showing a medical exemption for a "bad back"

Or as I call him, our African't




Theres this Transgender person at work, me and lads were taking the piss out of her when she flipped and knocked one of us out.

Gotta admit, shes got some balls.


McDonald’s coming out with food-scented candles?

My sex life is about to be non-existent...





Why will Joe Biden be sad on Christmas?
Because he’ll have no presence.





If this pandemic has really taught me anything, it is about hand washing, specifically about Government Ministers and how they have, eventually, learned to wash their hands of all responsibility.




Tom Jones was watching "2 Girls, 1 Cup" when his wife walked in.

Immediately he panicked and closed the browser then tried to pull his trousers up.

"It's ok Tom", she said ... "You can leave your scat on"

[Bikkie]

Maybe, if Boris Johnson dressed as Santa
Claus......
at least kids would believe in him.

Where does a Jew dry his towels?

On Israel


Sky News: China warns UK, USA and Australia will pay the price for diplomatic boycott of winter Olympics.

Oh no. Does this mean the end of all their cheap shit that doesn't work on eBay?


If this pandemic has really taught me anything, it is about hand washing, specifically about Government Ministers and how they have, eventually, learned to wash their hands of all responsibility.



Can you imagine being one of Boris Johnson's kids?

"Dad, can I go to a Christmas party?"

"Yes, of course you can, but if anyone asks, it was a business meeting. "




What do Ed Sheeran and my Christmas tree have in common?

They both have ornamental balls.




Boris now has ten children. fuck me is he a Muslim?


After my wife had spent most the day with a face like thunder, I couldn't hold out any longer.
"Seriously love," I laughed, "Did you honestly think I'd forget your birthday?"
"You bastard," she replied, trying not to smile, "You had me fooled."
"Of course I didn't forget....I did however, choose not to give a fuck."


The Metropolitan Police has said it will not investigate the Downing Street Christmas party widely reported to have been held last year.

A Police spokesman said:

"If Santa can work with every person in the world and able to social distance so
can the Prime Minister.



I do love a good Indian now and again, saying that, I don't mind a chinky and a Thai aswell. I'll make love to anyone.

[Piper]

The women's FA Cup
winners are questioning
why they only got 25k.
Not the 1.8m the men's
winner got.
Note to self. Next time
I get up and do karaoke,
remember to ask the
landlord for the same
at Elton John gets for
preforming in Las Vegas.


Between the cursing and
the violence.
My wife scares me a little
when she's wrapping
Christmas gifts.


My daughter wanted her
kids to "Sit on Santa's
Lap" this year, but for
the agenda she likes she
actually wanted me to
drive them two hours
away to an event that's
making a point to have "a
black Santa"
"Not very plausible," I
replied, "Santa leaves
gifts, rather than running
off with them."


This climate change shit
is getting serious.
The BBC have reported
that there are now only 2
Beetles and 1 Monkey left
in the world.


I didn't think my Mrs was
going to believe me when
I told her there was only
one monkey left.
Then I saw her face.


I've got a mobile contract
with Bob Marley, I got the
tariff but I didnt get the
texts for free.


NORD say that Santa
visits every child that
believes in him.
Even the Beach Boys
acknowledge that he don't
most no-one.
So why the fuck do we
need signs saying 'Santa
please stop here'?

[Bikkie]

Hyphenated
Non-hyphenated

WTF ?




The existence of tits proves one thing:

Men can focus on two things at once.



I turned up at this house party and there was booze, pills and lines of cocaine everywhere. I got stuck in and was loving every minute of it until I remembered I was there because of a noise complaint and should probably start arresting people.



Fitted kitchens are incomplete without hot and cold running water.

Just let that sink in.




Went out for a Christmas meal last night and the serviettes started singing, “Chestnut roasting on an open fire…”
Turns out it was “Napkin Cole.”



I was at my American friend`s house in California watching baseball on his large-screen TV and having a few beers (well, several) with him.

Then his wife came into the room, had a go at us for drinking too much and when he asked if she could make us some sandwiches, she bluntly refused and walked out.

I turned to him and said "There`s no way I tolerate behaviour like that from my wife when I`m at home watching the football."

"You mean soccer?" he asked.

"Yes, lay the bitch right out on the floor!" I advised.




My mate's going out with a midget.

I can't be doing with a girl who can't reach her minge without bending.



The wife said she thinks we could do with a slow cooker.

I told her, "I already have one, now get your lazy arse back in the kitchen."



Boris Johnson says they didn't have a quiz at no 10. It was an emergency Cobra meeting to determine which Irish singer-songerwriter released the 1990 single Nothing compares 2 U.



🎶 He's making a list
He's checking it twice
He's gonna find out who's naughty and nice 🎶

I sang merrily to myself as I was browsing through the profiles at the local escorts agency.




We once had a temp worker start who had the most ridiculous hairstyle on a man that I had ever seen... I told him "You shouldn't wear your hair in dreadlocks."

"Sorry, right, of course it's Cultural Appropriaton."

"No, not fucking that, you look like a cunt."




Sometimes you've got to do some DIY. I'll start by sorting some screws.

But that's prison life for you.



I was wistfully singing the song "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas," when my SJW daughter suddenly ruined the mood and snapped at me "That's Racist !"

"'You have a point," I sighed, "I was indeed thinking about just how nice it would be to live in a 98% white locale."




"Any chance of a fuck, love?"

"Nope, on my period."

"Still, your mouth works."



My wife came back from the Garden Centre this afternoon with a great big timepiece which she has stuck in the middle of the lawn.

Now I’m having to work around the clock.


If women could see through their breasts,

They've been staring at me for years.




What do Tits and friends have in common?

Some are big, some are small, some are real, and some are fake.



Mercedes are complaining it wasn’t a fair result but it looked black and white to me.



Philip schofields wifes pussy musta been similar to a mans asshole.

[Bikkie]

The people who believe abstinence is the only birth control also believe that a virgin got pregnant.

Eyelashes.

They are designed to keep things out of your eyes, yet 95% of the time that something gets in your eye, it's a fucking eyelash.



Boris Johnson is encouraging people to get their shots before Christmas.
Well we know Boris had a few last Christmas.




After all the suffering, hate and torment Darth Vader went through, I can't ever remember him making a thing about being black




Everyone says: Should've gone to Specsavers.

But I realised that VAR was a more lucrative career.


BBC Sports Personality 2021 contenders revealed.

Oooh... I can't wait to find out who's going to be runner-up to Emma Raducanu.



My wife came back from the Garden Centre this afternoon with a great big timepiece which she has stuck in the middle of the lawn.

Now I’m having to work around the clock.



Tits are like kiddie toys.

They’re really for the kids, but Men always end up playing with them...

I'm changing all my passwords to "What's".
So when anyone asks me "what's your password ？
il say, " yes it is".


How is a push-up bra like a bag of walkers crisps?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.



Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.



Booked a Christmas party at a nice restaurant, got there and there’s a bunch of white people sitting on the table. I asked why, she’s said “you did ask for crackers on your table”.



A new lady started at the office that's pretty attractive, so for my "game" I decided to completely change course and white-knight and pretend to be a dippy liberal and such, rather than what I usually do "denying the virus" or saying a nice word about Putin.

I pulled a face nappy up all the way over my nose, then went up to her and said, "I'm double jabbed, booster, and also I believe if you've been told you've been 'exposed', you should isolate not only for two weeks, but 10 extra days for good measure !"

"You just make my fanny feel driest of any man I ever meet," she said in the hottest Russian accent.


Checkout girl at Tesco asked me "if I fancied a drink?"
I said "thanks but I'm spoken for"
She replied "as part of the meal deal you prick!"



Just bought my nephew the BBC colouring set for Christmas
A 24 page book and 8 black pens





Can Elton John endure 24 hours in a bath of custard to raise money for World Aids day?


The poof is in the pudding.






Not been a good new week for the right wing press, but

Express… ‘There’s only Britannia’s ascent into the sunlit uplands to report on currently. Boris and Allegra are doing a spiffing job showing those bureaucrats in Brussels who’s boss by having a good old British Christmas party.

Marianne Morrison from the Mail said ‘I want a photo of the real royal baby, Calling all donors, they’ll have to redecorate again and wallpaper is expensive. Boris might need another Caribbean holiday.’

Luke Lyle from the Sun shouted ‘Our masters and betters, have given us plebs rules to follow. They should be allowed a party to celebrate, but don’t tell the cops. Or do, it won’t matter. So your nan died alone from Covid? If she didn’t have a nice rack, it’s not a story.‘

Clementine Carruthers from the Telegraph said: ‘Firstly, you should get back to your offices if you work in office buildings owned by Tory donors. But no Christmas parties for you oiks. Boris is always welcome here in the sunny uplands. He can do a monthly column, impregnate a few interns and we’ll give him a nice six figure salary. That’s what chums do.’

[Bikkie]

You've got to start wearing those masks, they really save lives..

I was in the pub yesterday with my girlfriend and the wife didn't even recognise me.



I hate double standards today, banksy can draw on what ever wall he likes and that's art, yet I spray paint nonce on my neighbours door and suddenly I'm the criminal.



Watching the F1 race, I couldn't help but think how refereshing it is to see a white man steal from a black man for a change



Westlife.

As if one Val Doonican wasn’t enough.


If Ed Sheeran combed his hair.

We would realize he's Rick Astley...




I loaned my Chinese neighbour a packet of condoms last year. Now he's suing me for a dozen kids born with wetsuits and rain hats.



I went to a quiz night last week and ABBA were there taking part. The last question was " In the sound of music, which note is a name I call myself". I looked over and saw Benny scribble on a paper. He showed it to the others and said " I think its this," The others agreed. Benny said " So shall we TAKE A CHANCE ON ME ????

[Piper]

My little daughter is
playing with my balls
She's been infatuated with
my Newton's cradle for a
long time.


Turns out you are also
what you drink.
I just had this cream
liqueur and now everyone in
my village respects me
Amarula.


Front door getting a bit
shabby?
Simply go to a phone
box, call the police and
anonymously report
yourself for dealing drugs.
After the cops smash
down your door and find
fuck all, they'll be obliged
to pay for a new one.
P. S It's a good idea to
stash your gear elsewhere
be for making the call.


Ferriby Cub Scouts saw
their first beaver today
thanks to a "wardrobe
malfunction" as they
followed the lady vicar
up the stairs to the
observation platform in
the church attic.


I got my mate to try
mayonnaise with his
dinner for the first time
today, he liked it and said
he might put it on his
shopping list.
I don't know why he eats
his shopping lists but
each to their own.


"You're always showing
off about the celebrities
you've supposedly
shagged" my mate said.
"Hardly showing off, I
protested," In fact I think
I'm quite modest about
my conquests. "
" Modest? " he laughed,
" Mate, when was the last
time you did humble? "
" Humble? That would
have been at last year's
Springwatch Christmas
party. "


I have many fond
memories of watching the
Christmas pantomime as
a kid, there was always
a man dressed as the
evil queen or stepmother
or something because
they look so laughably
masculine and hideous.
So called " transgender "
people would be wise to
take note.


I didn't clap for the nurses
during the pandemic, but I
did give a nurse the clap.


There's a dating site for
Well - endowed men called
7 inches or Better.
The site has already
attracted over 60,000
women and 70,000 liars.


Oooh ah just a little
Bit Oooh ah just a little bit
more.
You can't compete when
you're ex's fella is a nigger.


Two old ladies were
chatting over the fence
one frozen december
morning, ethel:"bloody
cold today mavis." mavis:
"aye lass, its frozen all me
pipes." ethel :"is your
shithouse still working?"....
mavis:"no he's still in bed"



Walked into the bedroom
holding two aspirins and a
glass of water.
My wife asks.
"What's that for?"
"It's for your headache.
" I don't have a headache. "
" Gotcha! "


My brother and I went on a
world holiday. We headed
SOUTH. AFRICA was a
place we always wanted
Togo to. Our friends SU,
Dan then joined as we
went to the middle east.
Oman what a mistake it
was too hot so we flew to
south America. Another
mistake. This time it was
too Chile. Den Mark, my
brother said we should
go to Europe. Upon arrival
we were so Hungary.
Wo ordered chips, bacon,
mushrooms, sausages,
fried bread and TURKEY
swizzlert, Norway am
I eating that, said su. It's
full of Greece.


If two two is twenty two,
three three is thirty three,
why isn't one one onety
one.


Petrol prices hit an all-time
low today, as I just drove off
without paying.

[Bikkie]

I love the build up to Christmas.

You can shout, "Don't come in my room..."

The stupid cunts think I'm wrapping presents.




Why do birds suddenly appear?

Because they somehow know when you've come into money



I have learned from cows, hippos, and elephants that it is impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass, salads, and walking.


I was in the pub with a few colleagues from work when I noticed a fat tattooed girl at the bar.
I nudged my mate and said, "Look at the state of that."
He laughed, "Yeah, but I bet you still would."
"What? Not even after ten pints!" I replied, before looking over at Geoff, the office pervert, "I couldn't say the same about Geoff though."
"Geoff?" he said, looking surprised, "Blimey mate... I didn't know you were gay."



I was getting a hand job off my new girlfriend when I asked. "How are you so good at this?"

"Years of practice," she replied.

"Bit of a player in your day?" I laughed.

"No, I used to be a dude."



2 women are on a bridge. One says to the other she needed a piss. The other says piss over the side. So she hops on the wall knickers down and just crouches there. Her mate says what are you waiting for. She says there's a canoe in the way. Her mate says that's not a canoe it's a reflection.



How the fuck can my wife lay next to me snoring for a fucking hour but wake up and ask me what the fuck I'm doing when I'm texting her sister about tomorrow nights date....



Bank of England raises interest rates by 0.25%

True. That is exactly how interesting I found that article.




The Wife told me she wants 12 inches for Christmas.

Hope she likes the instalment plan I have scheduled for 2022!







Lewis Hamilton-
The Dark Knight


BREAKING NEWS:
Fury as 14-year-old pupils asked if they have had anal sex in 'intrusive' survey.

Have you both received and given oral sex at the same time? Question 69.




Bruce Springsteen sold his entire music catalogue to Sony for $500 million making him a Billionaire.

In a related story, The Spice Girls sold their Greatest Hits to Charity Shop for £1.99.


We should adopt the North Korean way of dealing with absurd music and implement it to Adele's fans.



I have an addiction to phone sax lines.

Hearing John Coltrane really gets me going.



Large quantities of grass, hemp and weed were found in the back of a totalled Beamer owned by a local tart.

Police say the driver ate like a rabbit as well...



When asked about the rumors he was going to retire from F1 Lewis Hamilton said "I'm not retiring from motorsport completely as I've joined the Stevenage W.I. go karting team so I can race with other old women"



I bought a Lady Gaga advent calendar. When I got home, I noticed a sticker on the cellophane.

It read, 'Warning; this product may contain nuts.'


I just had an advert come on telling me that "Your long wait is over for Adele's new album, '30'."

The wait had been painful for the whole two seconds since I had been made aware that I was waiting for this.









Ben Affleck blames his ex-wife, Jennifer Garner, for his drinking.

Which is exactly how I got through the 2 hours and 33 minutes of Batman v Superman



Say what you like about Omicron, but your Mum still spreads faster and with more people.




bought the latest 50 inch OLED all singing all dancing TV to watch the Premiership next year.
But it had no Leeds.



I don't go for women who exercise.

They always expect far too much from me.

Like, two minutes.



I read a really interesting list of '10 facts about diarrhea'.

You'd be surprised at number 2



99 blue baffoons
Voting ‘gainst a covid law
Panic bells, it's red alert
There's something here
From somewhere else
The war machine springs to life
Opens up one eager eye
Focusing it upon the lie
Where 99 blue baffoons go by

99 Downing Street
99 ministers meet
To worry, worry, super-scurry
Call the troops out in a hurry
This is what we've waited for
This is it boys, this is war
The dumb PM is on the line
As 99 blue baffoons all lie



Certain Formula 1 fans seem to really enjoy saying that Lewis Hamilton couldn't lace Michael Schumacher's boots.

Firstly, it's not a competition and secondly, it's also not much of an insult since Michael Schumacher can't even lace his own boots.



I loaned my Chinese neighbour a packet of condoms last year. Now he's suing me for a dozen kids born with wetsuits and rain hats.

[Piper]

Just watched a film
about the "Mayflower"
which arrived in the New
World " in 1620 and set
up New Plymouth which
They described as" wet,
miserable and full of
savages "
Fuck me.... 400 years on
and nothing has changed.


Following Lewis
Hamilton's visit to the
Palace, the Queen has
been unable to find her
crown, the TV, her mobile
phone and two corgis.


Lewis Hamilton -
The Dark Knight


Billie Eilish says after
watching porn at a
young age, it gave her
nightmare...
I watch young age porn
and it gives me wet
dreams... Because I'm the
real bad guy... DuH.

[Bikkie]

What does Prince Andrew want for Christmas?...

Santas ability to identify naughty girls.





What does Prince Andrew want for Christmas?...

Mummy to pull some strings.



I don't know what Prince Andrew wants for Christmas, but I do have a sneaky feeling he could be getting a one way trip to Paris.....




My Father In Law said to me,

"I bet you can't see your dick when you look down in the shower."

"No, just your daughter's head," I replied.



True Story.
A shop assistant tried to fool police by swallowing hand sanitiser before taking a breath test, not knowing that anti-bacterial gel actually contains alcohol.
Her name's Sophie Nutter.......
I know.



Lewis Hamilton.

The black Donald Trump.

Sore fucking loser and doesn't like paying tax.



The people who believe abstinence is the only birth control also believe that a virgin got pregnant.




I don't want to frighten you, but if you take the letters of DELTA and OMICRON, they spell:

CLARINET DOOM

This is probably of most concern to woodwind players, but it's alarming nonetheless.






Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?

Because we are tired of using our own...





When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting them.

In other words, criminals only accepting payment in Bitcoin goes a long way back.




Did you hear about the alcoholic mathematician?

He started out on doubles, but it ended up as a Fibonacci Sequence.



minority
/mʌɪˈnɒrɪti,mɪˈnɒrɪti/

Straight White Male



Following SAGE we have BASIL
Boris And Sajid Implement Lockdown



When you think about it, Santa's a bit of an old peodo - getting lots of letters from kids, letting them sit on his knee with promises of gifts and then emptying his sack at the end of their beds while their parents sleep in the room next door





BREAKING NEWS:
Big freeze BEFORE Christmas: UK is set for -1C plunge from Tuesday... before 'snowbomb' brought by Storm Corrie strikes on Dec 27.

Is Storm Corrie coming from the fictitious Weatherfield in Salford?



Mary had a little lamb
Her husband wanted chicken
Mary got upset by this
And gave him a right good kicking


Mary had a little lamb
Her husband wanted pork
Once again she got upset
And scratched with a fork

Mary had a little lamb
Her husband wanted duck
Mary said oh sod the food
Let's go to bed and **** !!

[Piper]

"Well I know it's a
dangerous time but
people really like
Christmas, so just for
a few days live life as if
the real world didn't exist
and we'll sort through the
wreckage later." ~MP's
2020
Fuck me, good thing
these cunts weren't in
charge during the blitz.
It's Christmas, turn the
lights on and don't worry
about the planes overhead
for a day or two because
'mental health'..


I gave my neighbour's
daughter an 'Elf-on-
the shelf' to lead up to
Christmas 'and sure her fucking
mother confronted me
and said, "There's a
fucking webcam inside of
this."
"Of course, I explained
already that it would
watch to see if she's being
bad or good."


Trust the supermarkets -
Christmas just won’t be
as good if you don't invite
some nig-nogs around
your table.


Looks like household
mixing will be banned for
Christmas.
Might as well fuck the
turkey then as I'll be
pretty lonely and will have
no one to share it with
anyway, so might as well
enjoy myself.


A notice has today gone
up in Parliament noting
that the Conservative
pantomime of Snow
white and seven Dwarfs
has been cancelled
this Christmas, whilst
there have been many
candidates from MPs
of the dwarfs ( Grumpy,
Sleepy, Dopey, Sleazy )
the' can't find anybody
who could pretend to be
Snow White.


As the last hour of the
12 days of Christmas
draws to an end, 2021, I
wish you all a Happy New
Year and hope you all are
at excited as I am about
What is to come.


New shop opened by
me offering rock bottom
prices for cutting niggers
hair. It's called 'Barber
Black Cheap'


Marrying a woman for her
good looks.
Is like buying a house for
its wallpaper...


My Gran was telling me
about the men she slept
with back in the day. Stan
Beard an, Stan Laurel,
Stanley Baker, Stan Lee,
Stanley Matthews and
Stanley Baxter. She had
a lot of one night Stans
when she was younger.


There are some sayings I
hate to hear.
"GO BIG or GO HOME" is
THE worst.
If I hear that again
from one more bloody
prostitute...

[Bikkie]

"Santa, you do a great job, I mean really amazing. The joy you bring worldwide. How you organise it all I will never understand - it just blows my mind. Your leadership too - it`s a pleasure and a privilege to be allowed to accompany you. And with all that, you`re a humble and lovely guy. Now, can I guide your sleigh tonight?"

"Oh, okay then, Rudolph the Brown-nosed Reindeer."



It makes a change for Tom Daley to come second.

And behind a woman.

Emma Raducanu was crowned BBC Sports Personality of the Year following her triumph at ticking all the boxes...



What does Prince Andrew want for Christmas?

According to him, 'To pull a little cracker'.



I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. Perhaps if she'd of sucked him off I might have got a new bike instead of socks and a book.



Social distancing
[ soh-shuhl dis-tuhn-sing ]
noun

1. Hold Cheese & Wine event in Downing Street and fuck everyone else



I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom.

Until they are flashing behind you...



The boss of pub chain Greene King says bookings are at an all-time low due to COVID.

It's gotten so bad he's had to rebrand the business.

Now they're called "Pana King".


I dread shopping online.
Just the thought of having to stand up to go and get my credit card.



Me and my new girlfriend have just started living together and she thought it would be a good idea to invite her posh parents over for a look around our apartment.
And this is our kitchen, I stated, where we prepare new and exciting dish's using rare and exotic fruits and vegetables. Then we take them into the bedroom to eat.

Her mother asked, have you bitter melons ?

Too fucking right, I replied, and I've rimmed her bumhole.



A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer.

Than the men who mention it.


Christmas goodwill be fucked - I've had a nightmare of a day!
First off, the missus volunteered me to help set up the life-size Nativity outside the local church.
I got there, we started getting all the bits and bobs out of storage and discovered that the inflatable donkey had a puncture.
I had to go down Halfords and spend nearly £8 of my own money buying a bastard puncture repair kit to fix the fucking thing then I found out the church's footpump was buggered.
I took it over the road to the village filling station and shouted through the window to Dai Spanners "Hey Dai, how much to pump my ass?" and the cunt twatted me with a hammer!




I can't wait for the next iPhone to come out.

Sure, it's the same as the one I've got now only £300 more expensive, but at least I get to act like a snobby cunt.



Last night's dance defeat for the two fags means the BBC will probably give them their own series.
Strictly Come Prancing.
Or they might put out a Xmas charity song.
The Fairy's Tale Of Two Cocks.



I`ve got a great new job, as a genital organ inspector in a major brothel.

Every day before the punters start to arrive, I get all the girls lined up and make sure everything is in order down below. No sexual diseases, pubic hair neatly trimmed etc.

Basically, I check all the boxes.





Ducky Dennis and I are looking forward to Christmas dinner We're going to make sure the turkey is well oiled.lnstead of putting it in the oven we will give it a good spit roast and make sure it gets a good stuffing.

Oooooooh💕💓




Thought my Muslim neighbour was showing the spirit of Christmas, when he gave us a box of mince pies. He ruined it when he said: They contain alcohol, we can't eat them.

I think he's still holding a grudge because I gave him a goat during Ramadan.



Dominic Raab tells Sky News that the picture taken during the lock down in the Downing Street Garden was a work meeting.

Fuck me - I wouldn't like to see them relaxing then!

No. 10's Christmas menu will reflect the state of the nation.
Prawn cocktail (Boris is attracted by the smell for some reason).
Brussel Sprouts (create lots of wind-useful for speeches).
Cranberry sauce (sauce is something a PM who locks us down and then parties till dawn has a lot of).
Carrots (to dangle in front of the public).
Gravy (to make a train for all the sleazy MPs).
And to represent the Tory party itself, an oven-ready turkey. Complete with food that symbolises what they're doing to the country: stuffing.

[Bikkie]

If I had sex with Santa would that make me a hohohomosexual?


Many pub names have significant meanings. The Royal oak signifies the tree future king Charles the 2nd hid in to escape Cromwell, the Red Lion signifies all public buildings under James 1 being decorated with his crest and The Duke of York warning all those under 18 to give it a miss.



Due to Covid restrictions football in Scotland will be "effectively spectator-free"

So no change there then

After fearing accusations of racism, 'The Black Bitch' pub in Linlithgow, Scotland is going to be renamed.

The owners haven't decided on a new name yet, but have suggested calling it 'The Diane Abbott'.



Last night the wife and I were at a Fancy Dress party; I went as an astronaut and she actually hilariously played along and went as "The Moon.".

As I was banging the big round fucker in the bedroom later, I could only think, "I'm boldly going where every black man has been before."



One version of spin the bottle is that when you spin, whoever the bottle points at has to kiss you or give you a penny.

And that is why Baron Andrew Lloyd Webber is worth £820M



Christmas is a time of year when I like to take stock.

The shops are so busy, I always get away with it.



Alcohol is a perfect solution.

It dissolves marriages, families, and careers...



" I saw mummy kissing Santa Claus"
Don't build your hopes up you silly little Nignog it wasn't your Daddy dressed up, he's been long gone . It was infact your mummy's landlord dressed up and what you didn't see was your mummy sucking Santa's cock to pay off 2 months rental arrears she squandered on booze, crack and scratch cards.


Paddy and Murphy were having a catch up in the village square -
"So Morph, how've yer been? Done anything interesting since last time?"
"No too bad Paddy. Took Mary to dat funfair in town last week, she was nagging me about dat Tunnel Of Love. To be honest, it was a bit of a disappointment, it was dark and uncomfortable and we came out soaked through. Mary was in tears so there wasn't much love on offer I can tell ye!"
"Bijeesus Murph, dat's terrible, was the boat leaking?"
“Boat?”



All these women these days with their trout-pouts, is that a result of wearing a face mask too much?




My Ducky Dennis helped me get the Christmas tree right up this morning.
It took me all day to pick all of the needles out of my back passage.

Oooooooh 💗💋




Why was the engine and gearbox always arguing?

There was friction between them.



My father's golden rule was never to take any shit from anyone, and I've always followed it.

Got to say, it's not doing my career prospects much good at the colonic irrigation clinic.




What does Jonathan Ross listen to whilst he's fucking a sheep?


Wham!



Brian May has been encouraging people to get vaccinated. You'd think he'd know better.

Getting pumped with a potentially dangerous fluid from someone you don't know with a dodgy prick in their hands, is exactly what happened to Freddie.




My nextdoor neighbour has invited me over for a Christmas drink with nibbles.

He fucking loves that Cat




Mental masturbation often leaves me feeling like such a jerk off.



I was having an argument with my boss about how shit he is at his job when he said "you wouldn't be able to run this place if you tried".

I bent down, laced up my trainers and did 3 laps of the building. That showed him.




To anyone still concerned about the eating of dog in South Korea ,

Just remember that in North Korea , the Dogs eat You.

To anyone still concerned about the eating of dog in South Korea ,

Just remember that in North Korea , the Dogs eat You.

[Piper]

My Grandad was a very
basic "better out than in",
type of guy.
Great guy, but shit
cricketer.


Anyone who wonders why
there are no women F1
drivers should first watch
them try to negotiate a
supermarket car park.


Why do men like having
sex doggie style in
December?
That way they can both
watch Sports Personality
of the Year...


Sir Rod Stewart has
pleaded guilty to a charge
of battery, but he said
He's feeling positive.


I've just been in London
and met the biggest
Nigger I've ever seen called
Mack who stabbed
loads of people.
I wonder what would be a
good nickname for him?


Whats the first 3 things
you notice wrapping when
you're off your tits on LSD
at a house party?
Hand, face, space


Isaac Newton told his
publisher "I like big, huge
tits!"
But they couldn't write that
so he reworded it "The
greater the size of the
masses, the greater the
attractive force."


Only a black bloke could
write the lyrics "The kid is
not my son"


How many sisters does
it take to change a light
bulb?
Nun


If drugs were legalised
then BLM would complain
that their communities
have lost their income.


I love google earth VR so
much I can walk around
Liverpool without getting
mugged.


There's a new Only Fans
website for Scots.
It's called Och Aye The
Nudes.


"I fucking hate blacks
Horrible cunts" - I said to
the wife.
"Yeah look at them,
Fucking everywhere.
Disgusting. They need to
go in the fucking bin" - she
said.
So we threw away the rest
of our Jelly Babies.


What do you call someone
who believes global
warming is caused by
humans?
Environ-mentally
challenged.


Mohammed had a little
goat.
Lived in the Khyber Pass,
And everywhere
Mohammed went,
He was balls deep in its
ass.


A bus driver is never
early or late. She arrives
precisely when she wants
to.
I hope that's cleared up
any confusion.


I met some chess
enthusiasts in a hotel
lobby recently. All they did
was brag about how good
they were at the game.
There's nothing worse
than chess nuts boasting
in an open foyer.


"I will look for you, I will
find you, and I will kill you."
And just like that Liam
Neeson's grandson didn't
want to play hide and seek
anymore.

[Bikkie]

I've been watching a lot of "reality" porn lately. You know, where the couple go to bed but never have sex.


Got to love anti vaxers. Protesting about how people are trying to monitor their lives through an injection - by posting it on social media....on a mobile phone....over a WiFi network



What did Santa say when Katie Price, Meghan Markle and Lindsay Lohan arrived in Lapland?

Ho ho ho!




Apparently it takes a fifty hour walk to burn off a Christmas dinner.

Unless you're on Universal Credit of course, then ten minutes will do it.



The Welsh Labour government has announced that it will fine people who go into work, if they could have stayed at home.

Isn't that how Universal Credit is calculated?.



What's the difference between women and pigs?

Pigs don't turn into women when they drink...


There's a man in a pub with a large dog. Another man comes in and orders a pint and while he's waiting for it he says to the first man, "Mind if I pet your dog?" to which the first man replies, "Not at all. My dog is as gentle as a lamb." So the second man goes to pet the dog, which immediately barks angrily and bites him. The second man said to the first, "You just said your dog was as gentle as a lamb!" The first man replies, "Yes I did, but this isn't my dog."



Remember : A turkey isn't for life. It's for Christmas , Boxing Day , the 27 th , 28th etc...




If you want a Happy Christmas, don't Google Mary Berry Cream Pie


My wife's mother insisted I get to the shops to try and get a turkey.

"I already have a turkey for life... I fucking married it."





Fuck Driving home for Christmas , in the cold and wet.

I'd sooner spend it in Australia , On the Beach.




Autocorrect can be so embarrassing sometimes.
I just text my grandma saying that I wanted to suck a "farm" out of her arse.

[Bikkie]

Just been to the supermarket and got everything for Christmas lunch as they advertised

Well, almost everything they advertised - all I need now is a random black person to join us and we're all set




I bought some coconut moisturiser.

Waste of money. The coconuts are still rough as fuck.


Coldplay to stop making music from 2025.

I didn't realise they'd started.


Chris Martin has announced the band will not make any new albums after 2025.

I wonder if this will force Coldplay to compose some slow, sad, and depressing music. Oh, wait.






Coldplay too stop making music in 2025.

Can we have a whip round and make it a lot sooner?


Coldplay have announced they'll stop making new music in 2025

Finally, something to look forward to


Sorry kids, Coldplay are stopping making music from 2025, You'll have to find another artist to inspire you to commit suicide too.

Try Adele, she'll take up the slack.






How to lose an argument with a woman

Argue...



The AI controlling the James Webb Space Telescope, due for launch on Christmas Day, today decided it’s first search would be for Boris Johnson’s integrity.



BBC NEWS: A $10bn machine in search of the end of darkness.

Bit racist. But worth every penny



"There was dirt on your mobile, so I wiped it for you Jimmy."

"Thanks Mum."

A short while later...

"Mum, what did you do with the videos on my phone?"




I was listening to 'The Day the Music Died' earlier.

Or, 'Adele's new album', as some people like to call it.



It has been a great night he mused to himself, plenty of drink, the thrill of the chase and subsequent capture, but come the dawn it all ended in tragedy, she rose naked from his bed, silhouetted against the sunlit blinds a stirring sight, she slipped on her panties and suddenly it was all over….she really shouldn’t have spilled that bottle of lube on them.



The great thing about eating a tub of Celebrations in one go, is that with the Milky Ways, strategically spaced, you can convince yourself that you're between meals.


During sex, my wife stopped.

She said, "Honey, you are a terrible lover. You are getting on my nerves and I think we need to resolve these things before they get out of hand. Also, you smell strange, a bit stinky. A combination of faecal matter and vomit, truly awful. And you don't care about me."

I sighed and said, "Darling, are you finished?"

She said, "Yes."

I said, "Brilliant, now let's focus on my orgasm."


Heather Mills is getting remarried.

If he's a 'leg man' he maybe a little disappointed, but on the plus side, when they go shopping in Waitrose he'll have the best parking spaces.


I reckon Santa is an anti-vaxxer, a conspiracy theorist and a Trump supporter.

He's old, white and wears a red hat.



Cricket Australia have announced that, as a tribute to the England team, they have secured sponsorship of the third Ashes Test, due to start at the MCG on Boxing Day, by Domino’s.






♩♫ Driving Home for Christmas... ♫♩

Sounds more like he should be driving to the oncology department or his next song will be in a robot voice.

[Bikkie]

Happy International Men's Christmas Shopping Day



How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus' weight when he was born?

They had a weigh in a manger.

(I'll get my coat)


I've just witnessed a robbery at the local Post office...
Fucking £36 to post three little parcels.



How can you have two parts of your body in two different US states at the same time?

Ask Prince Andrew. The rest of his body was in New York while his dick was in Virginia.





Parents:

Show your kids the true meaning of Christmas by having your credit card bills addressed to them.



My wife pointed at me and said, "Well you're definitely on the naughty list this year."
"In my defence," I replied, holding my hands up, "I was drunk and it was your sister who came on to me, not the other way round."
She stared at me for a few moments, "... I was going to say you forgot to get the sprouts."





I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right.

But I didn't know her first name was "Always".




Hey, what are you doing for Xmas this year?

Oh the usual: eating, drinking and arguing.


Heather Mills’ new husband has packed everything for their honeymoon, including champagne… ooh, and and ½ litre of Cuprinol Wood Preservative just in case.





My wife asked for Tina Turner pyjamas for Christmas.

I didn't get her the pants, simply the vest.




Christmas Eve, and I spent the morning down the shopping centre, fighting my way through the crowds.

I wasn't buying anything, I just like to get a bit of a ruck going.



I wonder if Elton has taught his kid to sing , I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus yet.



What's faster than a black kid running down the street with your TV?

His brother with your computer...


Ebenezer Scrooge goes to the doctors with an abscess up his anus.

The doctor takes one look and says to him -

"Ha! Bum-bug"




I said to my missus,

"You're impossible to buy for. "

"No I'm not, " she replied, "you know I like perfume jewellery, fine wine and stuff. "
"I know, " I answered, " I mean I'm skint. "



Isn't modern technology great?

I bought some electronic tags to attach to my valuables. If you lose them you can pinpoint where they are using your smartphone.

Anyway, I've lost my fucking smartphone.



The wife and I always share driving when we go out.

I drive there.



I was gaming online when my wife walked in and said "Right that's it, im sick of you playing these childish games, I'm leaving you" she packed her stuff and left. It was a bit of an overreaction if you ask me, it was only one of them games that make you cum in 40 seconds.



I've just seen that and Donner and Blitzen are now on eBay,
Nobody has put a bid in for them yet though;
I think its cos they're two deer...




What do you call an Arab who's into clubbing?

Sheikh Yerbouti.

(Credit: Frank Zappa)



Dark humour is like civil rights.
Not everyone gets it,
But everyone should.



Why are black guys the fastest typers in the world?

When they are trying to guess the Alarm code.



Santa knows a lot of naughty Muslims that will not be getting any presents this Xmas.




18months of Covid, millions dead and now Coldplay announce that they'll continue putting records out until 2025. Dear God, is there no end to our suffering?



I remember the moment I discovered that Santa Claus isn't real. I woke up at midnight one cold Christmas Eve to the sound of voices outside, and looking through my bedroom window I saw my parents bringing presents in from the boot of my Dad's car. A wave of hurt and disappointment hit me as I realised that my parents had lied to me all these years.

It was such a hard thing for a boy of 19 to take.



Last night my wife was complaining that I never spend any time with her and the kids any more.

So this year I'm going to make sure it's the best Christmas ever!

I'm spending it in the pub



I took a partially deaf girl back to my place last night as she was giving me all the right signs.
When I went to lick her out though, the smell from her cunt was overwhelming and, to make things worse, she had shit herself. As I grabbed my coat and made for the door she said.."what's wrong, why are you leaving?"
I replied..." You have a smelly clit miss and a crap in your rear."
She said..."Yeah, same to you but why are you leaving?"





In 1696, William lll introduced a tax which required those living in houses with more than six windows to pay a levy.

To avoid this, house owners would brick up all windows except six.

As the bricked-up windows prevented rooms from receiving any sunlight, this tax was known as daylight robbery.

We've bricked up so many bedrooms to leave just six open because of the bedroom tax.

[Bikkie]

Just found out Sir Anthony Hopkins is Welsh.

Certainly explains why he wanted those lambs to keep quiet.




Dear Autocorrect,
Get your shit together. I have never called anyone a can't.




Some experts are claiming that watching porn is bad for your sex life.

Those experts are called women...



Back in the day i didn't know 'Oral B' was a toothbrush.

I thought she was the sluttier member of the Spice girls.



It’s ironic people mock others calling them snowflakes, yet when millions of them come together and paralyze cities & towns overnight, suddenly it’s not so funny.




How can you tell if a woman is sexually excited?

She's breathing...


You can tell the size of a woman's ego by simply looking at the size of her breasts



What's the most common unanswered questions left blank on the birth certificates of black children?

"Father's Name" and "Occupational Rank of Profession" .




Q: What do a divorced partner and England's cricket team have in common?

A: Both have lost the ashes.

[Piper]

Women think about sex
every 7 seconds
But not with you....


I keep asking what LGBTQ
stands for but nobody
is giving me a straight
answer.


Heather Mills ratings
Face 6/10
Body 7/10
Legs 1/2


My wife says she's
going to go out on the
front porch and bang
on her pots and pans
to show support for the
"overwhelmed" health-care
workers.
"Great idea." I laughed,
"Its been decades since
you've put those to any
kind of decent use in the
kitchen."


To speed things up in
walk-in vaccination
centres....
The DHB has asked for
professional darts players
to volunteer...


At my old school we had
siamese twins joined at
The most embrassing
place possible and were
known by friends as the
skipping rope

[Bikkie]

"Incredible you look really fit! What's your secret?"

Petrol prices...



You know you're getting old.

When you talk to more doctors than Bar Staff...



December is the only month of the year I get much screwing done.

I have a lot of great sex with carol singers.

Because her husband Jim Singers is working overtime at the toyshop.




My favourite Madonna song has to be the one she did in tribute to the Irish

��Last night I dreamt of potatoes��




Cadbury are releasing a limited edition box of Heroes featuring David Bowie artwork. They will be available just for one day.




CAPS LOCK IS FOR PEOPLE WHO DISLIKE SMALL TALK.



Katie Price doing dry January.

Only beer and wine, then.



They say that money talks.

Well, I've got ten quid here that says it doesn't.



I was driving down the road one day when getting stopped by a cop.

The cop smelled alcohol on my breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He said to me, "I see you have you been drinking?"

I replied, "Only water, officer."

The cop then asked me, "Then why can I smell wine?"

I looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again."




I pulled this really fit environmentalist bird and she loved my big hard cock. But then went off me when she discovered it wasn't sustainable.




– Misunderstanding –
I excitedly opened my present on Christmas morning, the sheer delight when I saw the Gibson logo on the box, I finally got to opening it, it was empty, "What the fuck? " I yelled. "You like it? " Shouted my wife, "I got you your own Gibson air guitar, now you can really rock out. "

[Bikkie]

Went to see The Scissor Sisters unplugged tonight. It's great living next-door to two lesbians...



The Voice Kids.

Hard to believe, but it's worse than listening to that Tramadol on legs, Adele.



Jokes about sex involving musical instruments give me the horn.





Switched the TV on and there was a spooky drama: one guy walking down a dark, lonely street with everything shut down.
Or so I thought. It was actually a live cam of Edinburgh on New Year's Eve.


What's the difference between Home Alone and Jo Malone?

One is a smash hit comedy from 1990 starring Macaulay Culkin, available on DVD for a fiver in HMV. The other is a one hundred and twenty bastard quid bottle of perfume my Spanish girlfriend was trying to pronounce when I asked her what she wanted for at Christmas.



Napoleon once said, "Glory is fleeting but obscurity is forever."
Or is that something I read about previous X-Factor winners.

[Bikkie]

What do vampires drink to get drunk?


Bloodweiser


So basically when porn stars take off their clothes.

They're getting dressed for work...



I went to the barber and he asked what I'd like.

"A number two all over please. "

Fucker shit all over my head.



Well chuffed with my new Blackberry phone from EE I got today

£56 month for 3 years. Beat that iPhone users!!




Tom Cruise went to a walk-in vaccination clinic and asked for a booster. The doctor picked him up under his armpits and put him on a raised cushion.



Fairplay, the weather is shit here. It has been raining longer than Prince Charles mother and the temperature has been in the 15's nearly as much as his brother.



My predictions for Sundays first games of the African Cup of Nations:

Cameroon ���� 3 Burkina Faso ���� 0

Cape Verde ���� 8 Ethiopia ���� Didn’t



In the james bond movies when M says the pm will have my head dont cut it no more with that twat in charge




I was asked whether I was in favour of euthanasia or not.

But that`s a very difficult question to answer without more information.

Is it Pakistani males or young Thai girls?


Should Harry's son change his name to Jamny Rednapp because he's on every period of football I watch lately...



I once had one of those 'May to December' romances.

Ditched her when she asked for an expensive Christmas present.




Why are women like newspapers?

Because there are issues every day...



I keep getting random friend requests on Facebook from female Bitcoin miners.
I feel like this is the modern-day version of being a gold digger.



A recent survey out shows that 90% of men don't know how to use condoms.

These people are called Dads...




Back in the day i didn't know 'Oral B' was a toothbrush.

I thought she was the sluttier member of the Spice girls.




I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.





I missed the World Hairdressing Championships on TV last night.
Does anyone know if they’re showing highlights?





I pulled this really fit environmentalist bird and she loved my big hard cock. But then went off me when she discovered it wasn't sustainable




I like to fuck my wife up the arse when she's in boots.

The girls on the perfume counter don't seem to like it though.


They say that money talks.

Well, I've got ten quid here that says it doesn't.


Some experts are claiming that watching porn is bad for your sex life.

Those experts are called women...



Dear Autocorrect,
Get your shit together. I have never called anyone a can't.



You know you're getting old.

When you talk to more doctors than Bar Staff...





Cadbury are releasing a limited edition box of Heroes featuring David Bowie artwork. They will be available just for one day.




Was looking at my son's school report. It said:

"He is a talentless waste of space who offers little determination or energy, conmands absolutely no respect from his peers, and always looks to withdraw from any challenge placed in front of him"

I wiped away a tear and thought, I'm so proud. He's going to be the next England cricket captain.

The girl next door told me that her car wasn't going right and was ". . . all rattly . . ." so could I look it for her, I found the problem straight away and told her that the dipstick was bone dry which meant that it wasn't reaching the oil in the sump, 'dizzy fucking blonde' I thought.

Anyway, it turns out that her twin brother is a trainee engineer and he's sorted it out. He's welded an extra inch onto the dipstick so it reaches the oil!



If I'm ever in a photo with black and mixed race people, I stand at the end on the left of the group to show the evolution of man.








I was driving down the road one day when getting stopped by a cop.

The cop smelled alcohol on my breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He said to me, "I see you have you been drinking?"

I replied, "Only water, officer."

The cop then asked me, "Then why can I smell wine?"

I looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again."




Medical science says that having sex on a regular basis helps keep your memory intact. I'd like to wish everyone a happy and prosperous 2013.




Tom Daley has promised to use his OBE to help promote equality for the LGBTI community.

How fitting is that? Given those 8 letters can be rearranged to form a phrase Tom hears often .....

"GOBBLE IT"


The NSW Police have found a large number of dead crows on the Sturt Highway just outside Wagga Wagga early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological (Bird) Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"




"Here are some photos of us at the nudist camp."

"I love your Thai girlfriend, she looks tiny next to you."

"Thanks but to be fair she had just been swimming in cold water."



My son is a Podcaster.

Sounds much better than my son is long term unemployed and doesn't leave his room.





Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have split up after 25 years of marriage.

It's the first marital divorce that needed a mediator, arbitrator, and a translator...

[Piper]

Although at first delighted
Tom Daley has now turned
down his OBE.
He was disappointed
when he realised it didn't
stand for Orgasming
Bulging Erection.


A street near Buckingham
Palace is being renamed
Prince Andrew's Close.
It's not honorary.
Its a warning.


It's such a shame that a
sex bust will mean there
will be no more Duke Of
York.
It was a great local, but it
was a prossie magnet.


"X-Factor's Ray Quinn
unrecognisable after
quitting fame to become a
carpet fitter"
From riches to rags.


My boyfriend broke
up with me over a
misunderstanding. Turns
out the text message he
sent me should have said
that he was busy playing
golf and I should go ahead
and eat out 'with' his
sister.


My daughters black
boyfriend once wanted to
audition for X-Factor, and I
suggested he should sing
a mash-up of 50's and 60's
hits and such.
He said he'd rather try and
be a rapper, but I insisted
he'd have a great niche
as Jungle Bunny the
Mastermixer.


They say the one that
kills you has your name
on it. Which may be
superstition, I'm still
uneasy though.
My daughter's are called
Astra and Zeneca.

[Bikkie]

My boyfriend is constantly complaining that there isn’t enough flavour in what he’s eating, so I’ve started wiping back to front.



They say Prince Andrew can get off on a legal technicality.

Is there nothing the pervert doesn't find arousing?.




If you want to be the envy of people.

Walk through a gym eating a kebab...




John: Listen to this. Blackpool hospital is in a state of an emergency.
David: Covid?
John: No, Vending Machine's down....



DAILY MAIL: anti-vaxx campaigner and friend of Piers Corbyn hospitalised with covid. His name...

John O'Looney

This shit writes itself



Prince Andrew has at last received some good news.

He's invited to become patron of the RSPCA to honour the work his tireless team of aquatic rescuers have done to help save starving marine wildlife.

He says nothing is more rewarding than his swimmers filling up frightened, young beavers



Now thar many more men are growing beards, wild beavers is the new fashion choice for women in the know.




Okay, I agree we are not blessed with the best of political leadership these days. But I still think we need to show some formality and respect to people who are, after all, our democratically elected leaders. As they say in the army, you salute the rank and not the person.

Probably the most unpleasant example is people referring to Mr. Biden and Ms. Harris as Joe `n` the Ho`.

So please, everyone, let`s remember their positions in society and call them "The President and the Prostitute."




"Muhammad's Wedding"

The story about the prophet who married six year old Aisha.

Coming soon to the Odeon.

The SABFC (Saudi Arabian Board of Film Classification) has rated this movie not suitable for viewers under the age of 5.



Southampton FC have confirmed that a £100m takeover deal of the club has been completed by Serbian-born businessman, Dragan Solak.

He sounds like the right man to restore a bit of fire in their belly.


The perfect woman doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry.

Doesn't exist...




So if you guys in the UK start an other iconic band with a philosopher as the leadsinger....
Would it be called "the Why?"? I've been pondering about that.

[Bikkie]

Ex U.S President Donald Trump has lied over 29,500 times.


Fuck, that's nearly as many as you have to tell to claim disability allowance.



Don't worry Donald, my wife also exaggerates how many lies I tell when she is wrong 👍




Cricket Australia have agreed to field their under 8 team in the final Ashes test in order to give England a chance to avoid a whitewash


ENGLAND: Avoid humiliation in the next ashes series in Australia by not getting vaccinated.


Does life keep giving you lemons ?
Now would be a good time to find someone with paper cuts.



Scientists say singing may be just as healthy as yoga.

Lucky for Adele, she does yoga...



Darth Vader is planning on unleashing a new Covid variant that will rapidly spread all throughout the Galaxy.

It will be called the Omi-cron Kenobi variant.





I was having a crap and realised that as it plopped into the bowl, the first turd curled round to form a 'P' and the other two droppings looked like two 'Os'.

Sometimes this shit just writes itself.



Tom Daley and his new book "coming up for air"
Talk about a double entendre, I guess he thought that one up in between bites on the pillow.


70s glam rock icon, Marc Bolan, wrote a song called 'Life's A Gas'.

You can say what you like about the Jews, but you certainly can't knock their sense of humour.

[Bikkie]

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you'd think she'd remember something like that.




At a job interview the bloke asked me, "How would you describe yourself in five words?"

I thought this was a tough one.

After a minute I replied, "I'd do it by talking."



Regarding UK immigration policy, I'm in favour of a points-based system.

If there's no point to them, they can fuck off.



The ancient Egyptians didn't have ambulances, just pyramidics.



Djokovic supporters gathered to demonstrate against his Detainment.

Most are anti-vax like Djokovic.

Ironically, the science implies that some won't see him play...

Ever again.



Suggesting that Boris went to a BYOB party during lockdown is ridiculous.
He would never bring his own fucking alcohol.



whats the difference between my wife and my car?

most the lads down the pub have never even been in my car


What's the difference between my car and my wife?

My car wouldn't get upset about me wanting to replace it.



What's the difference between my car and my wife?

I don't have a problem paying other men to service my car.





I went to a casino for the first time ever and a croupier approached me and said.
"Do you fancy trying your hand in Black Jack?"
I replied"yes please Ducky,show me where he is".

oooooooh


The cost of fuel hasn't gone up.

I just put £20 in.

Same as last week.




My date asked me how many women I'd slept with.

"Would you like me to give you a rough figure?" I asked.

She said, "Um...yes, please."

"Stay very still," I replied, as I sellotaped sandpaper to her arm.


My wife bless her has stood by me for 30 years ' we've only got one chair


The secret to a successful marriage.

I will call my wife seven times a day to help her find her phone...



Will the Countess of Derby still curtsey before Prince Andrew when he next visits Knowsley Hall?

Probably safer than bowing.



My gay mate went to Northen France to shag some Coronation Street characters.

“Dunkirk?” I asked.

“Yes” he replied

“And I also did Tyrone”


I never understood why ISIS have never sold the cars they make. The sales would explode.



🎶 So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your job's a joke, you're broke
Your love life's DOA
It's like you're always stuck in second gear
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month
Or even your year. 🎶

Credit to Joey and Friends.



I wish I could do the FA cup draw.
I've had plenty of experience in emptying a big black sack and rolling a few balls in my hand.


I had to unfriend my Ethiopian colleague at work from Facebook as I was just so sick and tired of seeing mud made plates with NO food on them being uploaded right on my post feeds.

Before I deleted him, I retaliated by sending him a private photo from my phone consisting of a 14 piece family feast with 4 chips, 2 hot gravy's and a big bottle of Pepsi from KFC.

See how he likes it for a change.



Rolf Harris love's KFC so much.



Kinky Fuckable Children.




They say Prince Andrew can get off on a legal technicality.

Is there nothing the pervert doesn't find arousing?.

[Piper]

Have you noticed all
Adele does is complain
about relationships in her
songs?
Then all of a sudden
prescription charges go
up again.


Scientists say singing may
be just as healthy as yoga
Lucy for Adele, she does
Yoga...


I rang my mum to tell her
I'm bringing my new black
girlfriend over for the
weekend.
"Oooh, we best roll out the
red carpet then" - she said.
"No mum don't be daft" - I
said. "Just some bananas
and fried chicken will be
fine."



Throughout my life I
have been surrounded by
women of good virtue.
Unfortunately the naughty
sluts tend to avoid me.


Statistically, women are
more likely to fall for a
scam.. In other painfully obvious
news, men are more likely
to stand up while having a
piss.


What's the difference
between my car and my
wife?
I get to ride my car
whenever I want.


What's the difference
between my car and my
wife?
I can get my car to be
silent.



Difference between my
wife and my car?
Before we married I
thought she was a
Triumph.


My wife and my car?
She started as a mini,
became a maxi, is now a
Roller.
Have I missed any?


What’s the difference
between my car and my
wife?
My car never pushes its
luck when I put my foot
down.


They say the streets of
London are paved with
gold.
That'd explain the fucking
council Tax bills there,
Anyway.


By the time Terminator 10. comes out.
Arnold may actually have
rusty parts...


What's the difference
between Djokovic and
Raducanu?....
I'd like to spend the
weekend isolated in a
hotel room with Emma.


Novak Djokovic is the
first player to be knocked
out of a grand slam after
missing only 2 shots.


I also wouldn't mind
being isolated with Emma
Raducanu.
Unlike Novak, I know she's
not afraid of a little prick.


Signing up for life
insurance and I was
informed that it came with
a free will kit, I turned it
down.


My favourite Australian
saying :
"My husband's home but
it'll take him 10 minutes to
get the key in the door.
Fuck me again."


You can now buy
powdered alcohol, for
smuggling into places
where booze is prohibited.
Because doormen are far
more likely to let you in if
they find you with a bag
of white powder than a
bottle.


My pregnant girlfriend was
rushed by ambulance to
hospital this morning.
As her trolley crashed
through the emergency
department doors, the
paramedic said, "BP is
155."
Furious, I shouted, "This
isn't the time to talk about
petrol prices."


The new Pamela
Anderson movie will have
shocks and revelations
But they have stopped her
from going to the beach.
In a attempt to reduce
the amount of plastic in
the sea.


My black friend asked me
What's my dark humour
like?" I told him, Well, it
picks cotton"
We haven't spoken since...


Which place has a Muslim
never been in?
Bath.


"This hotel room is so
boring... I think I'll play with my
balls"....
said Novak.


I've been working closely
with my Italian alien
friend as to how we can
vaccinate all the African
Niggers. He said, "Jabba
The Hut"...


Two old guys sat in a pub
just chatting.
"I've been married 50
years Dave"
"That's amazing Bruce,
we're all those years
good?"
"Indeed they were, well
most of them anyway,
how about you Dave?"
"98 years Bruce"
"98 years, how is that even
possible Dave?"
"I count in dog years...
She's a bit of a bitch
Bruce."


A new study this week
found that women prefer
bigger penises.
Well, I say "too bad."

[Bikkie]

Misunderstanding
Shrewsbury fans are getting criticism for chanting: Fuck the 96!. Why though?. It's probably a notoriously unreliable bus.



Russia has banned transsexuals from driving. I think that's a bit harsh. As they're half-man and half-woman, their driving skills probably work out about average.



My wife refers to her dildo as Quorn. Because it's a meat substitute.

[Bikkie]

Kiki Dee is in hospital awaiting a heart transplant.
Doctor says "thanks to a medical breakthrough, we are going to give you a pig's organ."
Kiki replies: "Don't go bacon my heart!"



I’ve been thinking about this so-called wage gap between the sexes and I’m not sure if it really exists.
Men usually opt for the higher paying jobs such as solicitor, doctor or industrial designer.
Women on the other hand almost always choose the somewhat lower paying jobs such as female solicitor, lady doctor or second class industrial designer.



People think that trans women are not real women

Yet their constant whining, attention-seeking and determination to fucking spoil everything, suggests otherwise



Kier Starmer describes his father as a Toolmaker.

We could have told him that.



What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?

Slow...





I was Born free.

But taxed to death...




Remember that TV show 'Bread'?

I had a small roll in that.



Vegans are so rude and don’t have a sense of humour. This woman the other day had a right moan at me eating my burger and I’ve never even seen herbivore.



The craft gin club advert with Phillip Scholfield he says during it he can disappear. I bet he'd like to disappear with a poof.




Tried to teach my pitbull the peanut butter trick.

I'm a girl now.



I've just seen a large grey Norwegian ship with a massive barcode on the side.
Is that so they can scan da navy in?

I'll get my boat.

A suicide bomber gets to Paradise and says to Allah, 'Where's my 72 virgins, then? I'm dying to get stuck into them!'

'That part of the Koran has been seriously misinterpreted,' Allah says, handing him a bag of cherries and a pin.



I told the wife that sex is better on holiday.

With hindsight, not the best thing to put on a postcard.



Can't believe that Alzheimer's and Dementia Societies have chosen Bucks Fizz "Making Your Mind Up" as there 2022 advert song...



A homeless man wanders along Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles Date…sometime last year..he doesn’t know when, he lost track of dates months ago The time..he was mugged for his watch 18 months previously, he only knows it’s after dark. He slumps to the ground in despair…hungry, tired, in need of a drink. Suddenly he notices a streak of light in the dark skies. A shooting star ? He makes a wish…a better life, a hot meal, a dry bed for the night, anything alcoholic….he falls asleep, dreaming of what might the morning bring The morning arrives along with two LAPD officers, they rudely wake him and move him on. A better life does not arrive, his wish didn’t work. Little does he know….that streak of light in the night sky was not a falling star, no, it was a billionaire returning to Earth after a fun two days orbiting the planet in his very own space ship. Status Quo (no, not the group).

[Piper]

What's the difference
between my car and my
wife?
In the case of my car, I'm
safe in the knowledge
that someone will provide
a replacement if it "goes
missing."


Dad used to say, Always
be yourself. "
People don't invite me
to fancy dress parties
anymore.


Grandmother was telling
us tales of growing up in
wartime London during
the Blitz. The streetlights
put out, the ant-aircraft
Guns starting up, the
Luftwaffe flying overhead
dropping bombs.
" Terrible times-ordinary
people feared for their
lives whenever there was
a blackout, she said
To which I said, So
actually quite similar to
present - day London."


Considering what most
women want in bed, I
just send pictures of my
tongue.


Michael Gove missed a
BBC interview after being
stuck for 30 minutes in an
elevator.
He should have taken
steps to avoid this.


A man on a date wonders
if he'll get lucky
A woman already knows.

[Piper]

What's the difference
between Boris Johnson
and the Beastie Boys?
The Beastie Boys had
to fight for their right to
party.


The less you love a
woman
The faster your hand gets
tired...


What do you get if you
cross a negro with an
octopus?
A shit hot cotton picker.


I've applied for a job at the
Citroen Museum.
I had to send 2CVs


Im just on my way to a
gynaecologists birthday
It'll be a cracking knees up.

[Bikkie]

Ordering McDonald's breakfast items at 11.02 is like wanting sex with the wife.

You can beg and say it's only two minutes but you still won't get it.




For Sale:
Framed picture of John Lennon’s wife.
£100 ono


M&S rebrands Midget Gems to avoid offending people with dwarfism.

Yeah, right. Let's ban hopscotch so as not to offend Heather Mills.




Britain today is like the Bond film Goldeneye.

They both have a Boris who thinks he is invincible.




My wife says she likes to eat chocolates after a good meal cos it makes the meal more memorable.

While I can see her point, I've so far discovered that going off to a brothel after we've had sex doesn't fit into that logic.



Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron, and so on?

Called a day off?



Man claims he has lost 1.5 inches from the length of his penis after COVID.

I must have had Covid three times.



WHO: Half of Europe will get Covid in the next 6-8 weeks.

The last time something spread thru Europe this fast, France surrendered.



God knows how they found the Spy in the House of Commons she was Lay Ling Lo


The Queen famously had an annus horribilis, but I think Andrew's annus is about to get a lot worse.



According to a new poll, almost 90% of women claim they wouldn't want to be Kate Middleton.

Because if there are 3 things women hate.

It's weddings, being the center of attention, and financial security...

I saw this unbelievable thing in American politics where now with Biden's "popularity" about to go under 40%, the lead liberal writer in the USA has called for Hillary Clinton's return and suggested a mix and match with her or all sorts of mix-and-matches for the next Democratic nominee, combinations like Hillary Clinton + Dick Cheney, Clinton + Mitt Romney, Kamala Harris + Hillary Clinton, etc.

When remarked that these combinations of useless people all seemed frivolous and undifferentiated, he replied, "It doesn't matter, they all come with the exact same pull-string on the back that makes them say 'I Love Diversity'."



The New Male: A-Z Dating Guide...

Athletic. No tits...

Beautiful. Pathological liar ...

Contagious Smile. Takes a lot of pills...

Dynamic. Depressed...

Emotionally Secure. On medication / Frequent Psychiatric Visits...

Free spirit. Junkie / Hippie...Gentle...I will be single forever...

Honest Eyes. I'll cheat on you and you'll never know....hehehehe...

I love doing yoga and running with my dog. A really good lay...

Jovial.Princess Only Child...

Kindness. Only calls herself a keeper...

Looking For A Man with ambition. Golddigger...

Mentions the word "Love" in any way shape or form clingy...

No Baby Daddy Drama. Baby Daddy Drama (Lookout!)...

Outgoing. Loud and Embarrassing...

Passionate. Sloppy drunk...

Quick-witted .Easy to anger...

Romantic. Annoying...

Spontaneous. Will Have Sex Anywhere...

Talented.Liar...Unconditional....Been cheated on (Paranoid, Clingy)

Voluptuous.Possibly Fat. Wants. Soul mate Stalker...

Xany. Lazy and Bored quick...

Young at Heart. Father Issues...

Zest. Slept with everyone

[Piper]

The Queen celebrates 70
years on the throne this
year.... How fucking bad is
her constipation?
At least she got rid of one
huge shit today.


The media keep moaning
about Prince Andrew
fingering a 17 year old.
When people say "who in
the right mind would want
to do that?"
Erm, all of us.


Autum 2022, in a court
room in New York, Sir
David Attenborough is
called to the stand to
provide expert scientific
advice on the divisive
question of whether or not
lizards can sweat.


What's the difference
between Prince Andrew
and my lazy fucking
neighbours?
My neighbours have still
got their decorations up.

[Bikkie]

"Suddenly the phone rang..."

Does a phone ever ring not suddenly?



If Djokovic’s case didn’t end with the Australian judge shouting ‘OUT!’ and sticking their arm out to the side, I think an opportunity has been missed.



Everton have gone to Lanzarote for some warm weather training. Well you can't beat the Canaries this time of year.



My Welsh grandfather often said "If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging."

Lovely man, terrible coalminer.




I pulled this hot girl at a rock concert and we went back to her place.

Turns out I misunderstood when she said she had loads of Offspring at home.




A recent study reveals women prefer a penis that is proportional to body size.

Another study says, most women define "proportional," as "way bigger."





ENGLAND CRICKET TEAM: If you're quick, you might just make the same flight as Novak Djokovic.




Talk is what you suffer through.

So you can get to the sex.


Like I was telling you we had this "Sensitivity training" and the lady doing it wanted us to do a "Labour simulator"

"No need," I laughed, "I already have a nigger for a neighbour."



I've been thrown out of the Army.

I was having a smoke out the back of the mess hall with my mate, when the Sergeant Major showed up.

We both immediately snapped to attention but he said, 'As you were, lads!'

So I relit my spliff.




I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people.

Between, Six it's fantastic.





Novak Djokovic deported....serves him right....




People think that trans women are not real women

Yet their constant whining, attention-seeking and determination to fucking spoil everything, suggests otherwise




"I know you're desperate to start a family darling but I don't have any Ovums according to the Doctor."
"Well, that's that then." I said..."and, by the way, it's Ova."
"Well fuck you!" She screamed.."I've been shagging your brother on the side anyway."



The most expensive thing in the world ?

A woman who is free for the weekend.



When I die I want my internet search history to be read out at my funeral.

That way all my friends and family will go from being depressed to disgusted.



Prince Andrew is in court. The judge says “you dirty cunt, you deserve 8-10 years”.
Andrew: jackpot!




My new girlfriend told me I am 'one in a million'. Then she started listing her ex-boyfriends and she is right, I am one in a million




I was wondering if anyone knows what happens at a wedding if someone actually stands up and objects at "speak now, or forever hold your peace" ?

I guess we'll find out when my daughter tries to marry that thieving nig nog that's knocked her up this summer.




The arrogance of Prince Andrew is breathtaking. He's releasing a cover of a Genesis track bragging about his noncing exploits...

�� I can't sweat
I can't sing ��
�� The only thing about me
Is the kids I rim ��








David Beckham seen kissing his ten year old daughter on the lips...
Jealous Andrew?




Reasons you don't need a gun:

#1) You can always count on the police to protect you: That's just a fact. Police are proven 100% effective at protecting innocent people!

#2) There's no evidence to suggest the government would ever overstep and try to take away your rights: A government has literally never done this. Don't be so paranoid!

#3) Guns make journalists wet their pants: If you live near a journalist and he hears you own a gun, he may wet his pants. You don't want something like that on your conscience.

#4) Guns are NOT cool and awesome and fun to shoot and useful for protection: Just trust us on this. We're journalists.

#5) Criminals have guns and use them to do bad things: You don't want to be like a criminal, do you?

#6) Nobody's going to break into your house when there's plenty of free stuff to loot at Target: Relax. Seriously.

#7) Your much manlier neighbor already has a gun: You can just borrow his if you really need it!

#8) Gun handling is best left to the professionals: Like Alec Baldwin.

[Piper]

In a strange turn of events
from Downing Street,
it surfaces that Boris
Johnson actually can
organise a piss up.


Breaking News : Global
precious metal markets
drop by 5% after Queen
weights in Prince Andrew's
medals.


Why did the rapper buy a
suitcase?
Tupac


Me: How do I stop my
Wordplay addiction?
Wife: Whatever means
necessary!
Me: No it doesn't...


My ex said she was an
open book.
Unfortunately, it was all
fiction.


... and on the eighth day
God created the orgasm
so that women can
moan even when they are
happy...


British TV is getting
worse. I've just watched
episode 1 of "The Bay."
Judging from the cast
they should rename it
"Bombay"


What’s the difference
between Bruce Wayne's
shovel and Oprah?
One's a Bat Digger and the
others a fat nigger.


What’s the difference
between Optimus
prime and a dead Thai
prostitute?
One is a transformer, and
the other is a former trans.


Telling my wife to calm
down.
Works about as well as
trying to put a cat in a
bag...


My Darling wife told me
about her last boyfriend
earlier who died.
She said I was by his
bedside when he said
on a weak voice, "that
there's something I must
confess"
She said Don't worry about
it there's nothing you need
to confess.
But he insisted, "No I
must die in peace, I'm so
sorry but I've had sex with
your sister on multiple
occasions and last week
she informed me that she
is having my kid"
"I know" she whispered
"That's why I poisoned
yuo, now close your eyes"

.

[Bikkie]

BBC News - A man from Lancashire has been shot by police in Texas.

Fuck me, that's one hell of a good shot.




I bought a lettuce from a greengrocers owned by The Mamas & the Papas but it’s already gone off.
All the leaves are brown…


"UK to dangerous for us to visit", says Prince Harry.

Just keep Lilibet well away from uncle Andrew and you should be ok.



"UK to dangerous for us to visit", says Prince Harry.
Well take your nigger family to Colleyville mate, see if you get a warmer welcome.




Prince Andrew was at the park the other day when a mother sat down beside him. After a while, she leaned over and asked, “Which one is yours?”
He looked at her and said, “I haven’t decided yet.”


It's surprising the Taliban have banned all music.

You'd think they'd be fans of rock's greatest hits.


My menopausal wife has done nothing but complain since we've moved nextdoor to a brothel.

It must be the whore moans.



Last night I watched six junkies having a rave at my local under-pass whilst taking Crystal meth.
Best episode of 'Dancing on ice' I've ever seen.


My mate's granddad didn't want his blind date to know he had Parkinson's disease.

So I suggested he sat there holding a snow globe.



The difference between UK police and the American FBI

If Malik Faisal Akram had taken hostages here our police would have spoken
to him quietly, placated him, spent days talking to him to get him to
surrender. He would spend months awaiting trial, treated to a comfy bed,
plenty of food each day, the warmth of a heater, colour tv, laptop, and a mobile
phone in case he felt the need to talk to someone about his mental health.
He would have been found guilty and sentenced. He would under our laws then
appeal at great cost to the British public where the decision would still be
the same. In all his treatment from arrest to jail would have cost us in excess
of a million pounds.

In America, the FBI shot him dead.

There's a moral here. Hire the FBI to handle our negotiations!


The biggest joke for me over the last two years was watching politicians try to act like they care.. and then watching people believe it. LOL!



Novak Djokovic, Boris Johnson and Prince Andrew walk into a bar.

Novak Djokovic barely makes it past the bouncers before he's kicked out.

Boris Johnson sits in a corner huddled over a laptop pretending it's a "work event".

And Prince Andrew leaves at 9pm when he discovers all the under 18s had gone.




David Attenborough must
have the largest collection
of animal porn in the
world.
Not that I'm jealous

[Bikkie]

Mother Superior giving that talk to the convent school girls.
“Men only want one thing and it’s disgusting.

Anonymous voice , from the back of the room, shouts
“Have you tried washing it ?”


An information leak from number 10 suggests that Boris thought being the party leader meant he had to be at the head of the conga line.




Just won the World championship wanking final.

It was hard work and I had to beat off some stiff opposition



Why does God only let 5% of women into heaven?

Because if God let any more in, it would be hell...


I did so enjoy watching the masters.
Nothing quite like watching nice young men potting in the brown.

Oooooooh


I've applied for a binman job.
I should get it.. I've had plenty of experience going into back passages.

Oooooooh


Oh the noncey Duke of York. He had some underage chick.

He flew her out to Epstein Island and she bounced upon his dick.

Then Epstein was hanging up. Then the Maxwell chick went down.

And the duke’s Mummy twigged, so he’ll never get a crown.



Is anyone still sanitising their shopping load, and leaving parcels untouched for 72 hours I wonder. LOL!


Elton John was holidaying in Tonga when the tsunani hit and he got swept out to sea.

Rescuers managed to find him in the ocean, clinging to a buoy.




1990s
Wife: I'm pregnant,
Husband: that's wonderful I'm going to be a father!
2020:
Wife: I'm pregnant
Husband: that's wonderful, who's the father?



Frank Lampard has been found not guilty of dangerous driving.

Unbelievable. A mobile phone in one hand, a coffee cup in the other. . .all he needed was Christine Bleakley under the dash sucking him off and it'd be a hat-trick.



20% of men have a secret stash of money they keep from their wife, says a report.

. . . I keep mine somewhere my wife will never look in my Porn collection...



Running away from your problems does not count as exercise.



Because the thick cunts in marketing never thought / had the balls to run the ad when Andrew first got caught out:

"Woking Pizza Express - so good you'll forget everything else you did that night."

[Piper]

Should you always listen
to your inner voices?

"Go on" said pride "You
can do it"
"Are you sure?" said
experience "It looks a bit
risky"
"It will be a waste of time"
said the voice of reason
"Go on, why not?" said the
heart "You know you’ve
always wanted to"
"What the fuck was that?"
screamed the anus a
couple of hours later.


Random fact: Crotchless
knickers were invented so
witches could get a better
grip on their broomsticks.


I took my final university
exam to become a
politician last week, but
it was quite hard and I
couldn't answer a single
question.
I passed with a
distinction.



I must say I feel a
sense of pride in how
enthusiastic the inmates
have been towards my
attempt to promote
healthy eating in women's
prisons.
But also slightly
disappointed that they felt
the need to steal the 200
cucumbers I donated to
the cause.


I took my nan to bingo but
I got kicked out doing
a line.


I just got a text from my
girlfriend telling to get to
her house now as she's
feeling horny.
I don't think I will though
because she said to
"make sure to bring
protection". Her brother
must have been released
from prison and the nasty
fucker's never liked me.


Won a holiday to Ceasers
Palace Las Vegas, all I
can eat and drink, plus
five thousand pounds
for the tables, waited on
hand and foot by stunning
women then I hear Adele
has cancelled her shows.
I mean, come on now, just
how lucky can a guy get?

[Bikkie]

Just bought a new frying pan.
It's guaranteed non stick for 5 years.
How do I know this?
There's a sticker on it saying just that....

Oh the irony!



Looking forward to seeing the vote for the most popular BBC programme in history, to celebrate the Corporation's 100th birthday

In which they pretend that the public haven't chosen Only Fools and Horses, written by a white working class man about a white working class family, and instead claim the winner to be anything involving a black transvestite in a wheelchair




Michael,Caine updates his will on a regular basis just to make sure all his assets are included, with advancing age and many of his old acting compatriots now dead, he has finally decided to retrieve his biggest asset.
So if anyone knows how to retrieve gold bullion from a coach in the Italian Alps, he would be grateful for any help or suggestions.as he is no longer as spry as he used to be.




Love may be blind.

But marriage is a complete eye-opener...



My youngest son is at the crawling stage.
Last night he said" your new haircut makes you look much younger, can I borrow £20? "

( credit to someone on the radio )



I forgot to get my girlfriend a Valentines day card last year but I made up for it on Pancake day, I even wrote her a poem.

'Roses are red and I love you to bits,

Here, have a pancake, now show us your tits.'



Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house… walked home… and left it there all night. You gotta love George.



Dinosaurs died, and their compressed rotting carcasses became oil. We refine this oil to power and lubricate our vehicles, and run the modern world...... Vegans say they won't use any products made from animals. So if they drive, take the bus/taxi, or use a train, that makes them a bunch of fuckin' hypocrites as well as condescending cunts.


Paddy's working for the railway and his boss say 2 trains are heading towards each other on the same track wat do u do. Paddy's say oid pull the lever and switch tracks. Boss says the lever jammed n paddy say there an emergency one on the track oid run down and pull it. Boss says that ones jammed as well Paddy's say oid phone my brother. Boss says does ur brother work for the railway. N Paddy's say no Boss but he's never saw a train crash.��


Maggie - Charismatic
Major - Boring
Blair - Charismatic
Brown - Boring
Cameron - Charismatic
May - Boring
Boris - Charismatic
??? - Which boring fucker is next?



Best day of my life was when I got a Nobel prize for inventing autocorrect.
I had a lovely phone call from the president, Backache Banana.



The lads and I were in the living room when my wife got in from work.

"Speak of the devil," I said as she came in.

"You lot were talking about me?" she smiled.

"Yes, baby."

"What about?"

"I was just telling them you're the devil," I replied.


Nice to hear Boris Johnson answering a question about Ukraine today.

Instead of another one about his UK reign..




Jonathan Ross was walking out of KFC when he saw a black man heading quickly to the doorway. He said, "Would you like some leeway?"

The black man replied, "It's Leroy. My fucking name's Leroy."



- Kiera D'Amato breaks US women's record for fastest Marathon

It shows the sad state of things when the first thing that comes to mind now for something like this is checking to make sure that "she" is not yet another man or a tranny



Mixed feelings about Djokovich being given the boot from the Australian Open.

Undoubtedly one of the best Serbs in modern tennis.

But you could say it serbed him right.



Two of the kids my wife and I had are twins and they always really fucking hated that my wife would dress them in matching outfits and such even when they were older.

I think it's why to this day my son and daughter won't fucking speak to her.



Just saw the hungarian version of 'only fools and horses'-"A lo, A lo, A lo!"



I told the secretary at work that "Just one look at your pretty face and I get so rock-hard I feel like I could cum instantly !"

She sneered at me, "Have a thought for your poor wife !"

"And that thought just fucking killed it instantly..."




Being dyslexic, I'll never be a best man now.

The bride and groom weren't happy when I showed them face visors, gloves and a gas bottle and said I had everything sorting for their welding.




James Bond likes his Virgina's shaven not hairs




Robin Hood's Little John Maid Marian (turn) Scarlett Much to the Miller's amusement



The visit by the Duke and Duchess of Sussex to the UK will go ahead after all. Dennis Waterman has agreed to provide security for a monkey a day.

[Piper]

Prince Andrew joined the
local guitar class, then
quit when he realised
'A Minor' and 'G-string'
weren't what he thought
they were.


I've only got three albums
in my collection. Two
by Meatloaf and one by
Michael Jackson.
Two out of three ain't Bad


Arsenal have a player
named white and he is


"Irishman faces 20 years
in jail for mooning on New
York flight"
Bare your arse on a plane
and spend the next 20
years baring your arse?
Poetic justice?
And no fairytale in New
York


Andrew Lloyd Webber
went on the masked
Singer. The audience were
shouting "keep it on!


I see the Cure recently
played at an AIDS benefit
concert. I bet there were a
few disappointed people
there after reading the
poster.


Arnold Schwarzenegger
was involved in a multi-car
crash.
He really should stop
chasing Sarah Connor.

[Bikkie]

It's been 4 weeks since Christmas and I'm still finding glitter under my foreskin.


I think my wife's having an affair with a lighthouse keeper. Someone keeps ringing the house asking if the coast is clear.

Nod to Jeff Stelling




Adele has only been with that black guy for a few months, and already she can't be fucked working.



About twenty years ago I had the misfortune to have to spend a weekend in Newcastle. Anyway, I had a look around and found myself in the Newcastle United football club shop. They had all the usual stuff and I spotted an empty glass cabinet,

"Wow, " I said to an assistant, "you're keen up here, fancy selling a replica of your trophy cabinet. "




16 and Pregnant.
15 and Fucking.
14 and Sucking.
13 and Licking.
12 and Fingering.
11 and Touching.
9 and Kissing.
8 and Wondering.

Welcome To Our Fucked Up Generation...



Prince Andrew once snapped at Meatloaf 'You can't touch me, I'm royal'
Virginia Giuffre once snapped at Prince Andrew 'You can't touch me, I'm 15'



I was in a French restaurant doing a crossword when I asked my waiter , " what's another word for witchcraft " ?
He instantly spilt soup down my shirt and replied, " sorcery "
I said, " so you should be you clumsy twat "



My local Chinese have asked the public for a name of a new spicy dish they have made.

Bat out of Hell has been rejected although it was the most popular vote.



Do you remember that case where that Welsh Wicca Wizard got caught f*cking a goat on his allotment when he got spied from a passing train?
You know what that proved?
That there was at least one English tourist on that choo-choo to call the old bill....



I do, I do, I do, I do, I do , I do, I do.

A bride with a stutter's favourite abba song




In 1978, the Clash addressed urban isolation with their single "(White Man) In Hammersmith Palais".
In 2023, the 45th anniversary of its release, a new mix will reflect the changing times.
Title: "(White Man) Just About Anywhere In London."



‘Schoolboy loses both nipples after dare to freeze them with two cans of Lynx’

Who knew that the Lynx Effect was so potent!



The most successful womens football team of all time is Arsenal. That says all you will ever need to know about womens football.


I spent too long in the north of England.

I was starting to think that China in Your Hand was sung by The Pau.





"Pick a card, any card."

"This one."

"Fuck off Leroy, try something other than the race card for a change."


A South African visits the quack & says - "Help! My cock has fallen orf."

"No panic" the doc says - "I'll sort you a new one." He looks in his drawer before saying - "Hmm we only have 1 cock left & it's bleck"

"BLECK? Ok fine, anything" - says the SA guy. The doc pulls out the huge black cock & says - "Here. But before using it, bear in mind it's full of jizz so you'll have to have a wenk."

"A WENK? No I can't do thet, it's against my religion. You'll have to take it beck." - says the SA chap.
"It's ok" - the doc says - "It's fake spunk, you could say it fires blenks."

"BLENKS? In that case I'll take it. How much is it?" he says opening his wallet. "It's ok" - doc says "New cocks are included in your medical plen. Sign here & orf you go."

The S African bloke gets home and says to the wife - "Darling, I got a new bleck cock.
Bend over and let me do you up the orse so I can shift its spunk. It's ok though - it's full of blenks."

The wife looks confused & says - "If it's full of blenks, why do you want to do me up the orse?"

"Becorz" he says - "I orsked the doc what you'd think & he said women loved these bleck cocks. You can tell by the look on their feces."

[Bikkie]

Breaking news....

The Conservative party have now changed their name to the Conservative work event.




BREAKING NEWS:

'...Meghan Markle won't come back to the UK.
She's frightened she'll have to travel in the Bike Lane.'




BBC News - John Lennon's eldest son Julian is selling several pieces of music history from his personal collection.

I had a look, but the good stuff was already gone and now it's much too late for good buys.



The number of people who are pleased to see Vanessa Feltz on television, is identical to the amount of times I have gone skateboarding on the rings of Saturn




The annual n.a.t.o. alphabet party took place in NOVEMBER last year in a HOTEL in INDIA. all the guests flew there on DELTA airline. VICTOR ,the YANKEE got there late having got on the wrong flight ending up in QUEBEC. OSCAR, ALPHA nd MIKE from heartbeat turned up wearing their UNIFORM. After going through the airport
XRAY they arrived in time for the FOXTROT and TANGO competitions which were won by ROMEO and JULIET. the food came from a nearby PAPA john. LIMA ck did a comedy routine but stopped when a waiter named CHARLIE began to KILO ver. Someone shouted where's his wife ZU LU? No she's on the GOLF course. Quick take him out for some SIERRA nd give him some WHISKY. When he recovered shouts of BRAVO ECHOed around





BREAKING NEWS:

Alan Carr confirms split from husband Paul Drayton after 13 years together.

Such a shame, especially as Carr bent over backwards to please him.


I asked my Muslim mate if he liked Tiktok.

He replied, "Oh yes, and the boom!"




See Meatloaf has called it Aday


Prince Andrew's former maid tells how she ‘was left in tears after “demanding and entitled” royal forced her to run up four flights of stairs to close his curtains.

I'm assuming shower curtains.




It's true alcohol kills people.

But how many are born because of it?




what's the difference between making rice today then in 1945?

You didn't need to go nuclear to cook it.

Paddy was asked by an interviewer if he was Anti Vax?

He said "Better ask the wife. She bought the vacuum cleaner"


Andrew Lloyd Webber went on the masked singer. The audience were shouting "keep it on!"


I drove my daughters guinea-pig to the vets this morning.
My golf is really improving.



I've just finished doing my lines in detention.

The teacher sold me some fucking good gear.





The wife just gave me the "I'm leaving and taking the kids with me" speech.

I took it surprisingly well.


Gave my wife an early VD card today -

'Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I caught Venereal Disease at Dave's stag-do.'



I always said I would never molest my pet lions,but eventually I had to swallow my pride.

[Piper]

My crazy ex drugged and
tied me to the bed last
night, then whipped and
fucked me to within an
inch of my life.
I'm not sure she fully
understands the term
restraining order.


Strange that in the time
of Operation Yewtree,
Robbie Williams can sing
The Kids Are Alright and
escape a quizzing.


The price of Oil has
dropped again.
The masseuse and porn
industries are very excited.


A member of the KKK has
made his own Star Wars
movie.
I'm not sure how "The
Empire Strikes Black" got
authorised though.


Kids in the backseat make
accidents.
And accidents in the back
seat make kids...




Why did Australians create
Fosters?
So ugly people would have
a chance at having sex.


I'll never forget the time
burglars broke into my
shed and stole the logs I
had stored for the winter.
That was my Woodstock.


I used to work in the deaf
school for girls.
I could never get used to
the fact that they couldn’t
hear you coming.


I know it's humid right
now in Australia but this
is ridiculous. My Fitbit
claims I had a 21 minute
swim yesterday.


I told my son to "beware
of Deadly Nightshade"
"What, dad?.... We're not
camping, we're in central
London"
"Exactly"


A woman is like a
suitcase :
Both are hard to carry and
a pity to throw away.

[Piper]

Peter Dinklage has
criticised Disney's
decision to produce a
live action remake of
Snow White and the
Seven Dwarfs saying
it reinforces negative
stereotypes about little
people.
What a little fucking
hypocrite. I've criticised
all 37 of the disgraceful
porn versions I've watched
online and not once have
I heard him say anything
about them.


Peter Dinklage has
slammed the remake
of Snow White and
Seven Dwarfs, calling it
'backwards.'
I guess he'll be playing
Grumpy then.


Radio 5 this
morning... debate on
dwarfism...
One dwarf... "We're a tiny
minority"!


Breaking news : Disney to
rename new film as "Snow
Anycolour and the seven
average sized people" to
keep the PC fruit loops on
board.


Disney have responded
to Peter Dinklage and
named a dwarf star in his
honour... Peter Twinklage.
He is a little angry.

[Bikkie]

My mum caught me with a box of tissues, my pants were around my ankles.

"It better not be what I think it is," She said.

"Mum, I've been wanking," I confessed.

'Oh! Thank fuck for that!" She cried. " I thought you had shit your pants again!"


I've just developed a shampoo for Siamese Twins..Heads and Shoulder...


In these PC times, it's still okay to tell jokes about dwarves.

They might get a little short with you, but they won't hit the roof.



A guy was driving down a country lane and he ran over a cockerel and he was very upset. He went to the farmhouse and knocked on the door and a woman opened it and he said: 'I appear to have killed your cockerel. I'd like to replace him.'

And she said: 'Please yourself, the hens are round the back.

Nod to Barry Cryer


Syphilis is back. The sexually transmitted disease is making an alarming resurgence in Europe

This is Europe's most unwelcome comeback since the Spice Girls...


Writing a movie script where a gang of Edinburgh junkies go looking for men in women's clothing. Ewan McGregor in the lead role.
If only I could think of a title...



BBC NEWS: Call for rethink of Scottish transgender reforms.

After someone noticed that all Scottish men already wear skirts




"Hey Fergie Where's Andrew?" Asked a journalist

"Taken the children to Disney land I think. Well thats what I gather from the note on the fridge. He says he's off to Tampa with the kids"

"Fergie I need to tell you something" said the journalist.

"Disney is in Orlando. And your kids are stood by the side of you"


Despite being a man, I`m essentially a feminist, and I like to see women challenging traditional sexist stereotypes. That goes for sport too. Women never used to box, wrestle or play rugby.

In fact I`m proud to say my own daughter is always down at the local rugby club and very popular with the othermembers apparently.

She`s just getting ready to go out to training now, in her high heels, miniskirt and fishnet stockings.

It seems she`s the hooker.


It’s so cold in parts of the country, hookers are charging $20 to blow on hands.


In the spirit of equality and diversity, I have agreed that I should start hiring more white people to work in my cotton field.



Is it OK to refer to a Japanese child as a nipper?



I've been a single child ever since I caught my brother fucking my girlfriend.



I'm traveling to a Pacific Island where I'm guaranteed to have some kinky fun with a native girl.

Are you going to tonga ?

Too fucking right and I'm going to finger her bumhole



What was R Kelly's least-favourite chart compilation album?

Now 16.



I went to a wife-swapping party last night.

It was great. I got a lawnmower and a crate of beer for mine.

We were talking about "the dwarves" and Peter Dinklage yesterday and sure enough this lady reported me to HR for "offensive" comment.

"What ?.... all I fucking said was that I praised Peter Dinklage for standing tall for his people."




"Neil Young to Spotify: Either remove my music or Joe Rogan podcast"

Keep on vlogging in the Free World.




So Joe Biden has threatened 'personal sanctions' against Putin if he invades the Ukraine.

Looks like there's going to be a few Russian hookers going to have some spare time on their hands....

So Boris can’t release the Grey “Party” report on Thursday as it’s Holocaust Memorial Day.
Not Friday - bugger off Friday
Not Monday - street children day
Not Tuesday - start of black history month
So we’re into March which begins with
Pancake Tuesday, Ash Wednesday, and then
We’ve into Lent so another 40 days, then the Summer break…

Ashleigh Barty through to Australian Open Tennis Singles Final. Quinten plays doubles with her brother Omar..Ooooooh

[Bikkie]

Spotify is safe to use now.

Joni Mitchel and Neil Young have fucked off.



I've just seen an inflatable sheep for sale on line. Fuck me, how bad has your life got to be if you can't get a real sheep to fuck?

( one for the aussie's )



.had a dream last night that saucy little bint Emma raducanu was being interviewed....and the interviewer asked her "would you ever consider doing doubles"? And she replied "I'm always doing doubles... double penetration, double anal, cock tennis double fisting the fucking lot."



What’s the difference between a rover 75 and a dead prostitute?

You get your money back off a dead prostitute.


New Disney film coming soon to The Odeon.


Snow Black and The Seven Dwarves With No Father.



There was an old twat called Putin
Who went to Ukraine for a shootin
You can’t do in ere
What you did in Crimea
Or Boris is putting the boot in.



I'd rather shit myself than have Spotify announce to my friends.

That I'm listening to the Spice Girls...


Energy bills are like heroin addicts.

Both have shot up.




A lady friend visited last night so I thought I would cook dinner for her. The first course went down really well curried chicken with fried rice. I then served up the pudding, she took one mouthful and spat it out.
“What the fuck was that ?” she screamed.
“Arctic roll” I replied, “I made it myself.”
“Show me the recipe” she said so I did.
“Do you see this” she said, pointing to the vanilla essence.
“Ah” said I “I didn’t have any, but I remember an old saying of my mother ‘time is of the essence’ so I used thyme instead.


I was hauled up in an HR hearing with the coloured feminazi from the office across from me, and I said, "Ok, it was wrong or "cultural appropriation" or something like this for me to compare myself to a black person in casual conversation."

You said at the water cooler, quote: "I'm fucking thirstier than an African child."





"Do you know what speed you were doing, Sir?" asked the policeman.

"I do apologise Officer," I replied. "I've never used this road before, and I honestly thought it was an unrestricted zone."

"No you didn't!!" my wife protested. "We only live round the corner, you said you were putting your foot down because there wouldn't be any coppers around this late!"

"May I see your insurance?" the cop said grimly.

"I've just renewed it," I assured him. "It'll be in the post, I'll drop a copy to the station next week."

"Actually," said the wife, "you were short on cash this month and said you'd leave it til you had the money. It ran out a fortnight ago."

I turned to her and snapped "will you keep your mouth shut, you stupid bitch...."

"Does he always talk to you like that, Madam?" asked the copper.

"No," my wife replied. "Only when he's been drinking."




( One of Barry Cryer originals. )



After being fucked about for weeks I managed to get an appointment to see a doctor. As I booked in I asked the receptionist out on a date. She was thrilled to bits.

I told her it would have to be a telephone one, then I would decide if I wanted to see her. See how she fucking likes it.



The twitchers in a certain community were in a frenzy, a rare honey buzzard had taken perch in woodland. They lay in long grass or sat in their hides watching this bird through binoculars or snapping it through telephoto lenses. All of a sudden a car pulled up, a chap got out with a shotgun, let the buzzard have it with both barrels, collected the dead bird and drove off. The twitchers were aghast but managed to take down his registration.

Days later, he was up in front of a magistrate. The magistrate said: "This is a dreadful thing".

The shooter replied "I never intended to kill the buzzard, I was shooting pigeon and it flew into my line of fire."

The magistrate said, "Okay. Out of interest, what did you do with it?"

He said "I ate it."

The magistrate said "Good lord, what did it taste like?"

He replied "Difficult to describe really, a bit like a cross between Northern White Rhino and Albino Panda."




I was at a job interview and was asked what my biggest regret in life.
"A few years ago, when I was on holiday, I saved a kid who was drowning."
They looked puzzled, "Why would you regret doing that?"
"Well, I saw him again later that night and he was wearing a Tottenham shirt."

[Piper]

I read that dwarves are
unable to masturbate, as
their arms are too short.
No wonder they were so
fiercely protective of Snow
White.


People are appalled that
Disney are doing a remake
of Snow White and the Seven
Dwarves.
They must think all
Dwarves have low self
esteem.


Dinklage.
The sound made by
a midget punching
someone as hard as they
can.


I see Peter Dinklage has
complained about the
new Snow White movie ;
Probably because people
keep likening him to one
of the seven dwarves
... he's not Happy.


We were talking about
"the dwarves" and Peter
Dinklage yesterday and
sure enough this lady
reported me to HR for
"offensive" comment.
"What?... all I fucking
said was that I praised
Peter Dinklage for
standing tall for his
people."



So Peter Dinklage has
been on about the new
Snow White and the Seven
Dwarfs.
I've heard he's not happy.
So which one is he
playing then?


So I was at this party in
Hollywood and I spotted
someone I wanted to talk
to.
"I know you, you're from
Game of Thrones. You're
Peter Dinkle."
"My second name is
Dinklage, you fucking
Moron," he said.
"I know that I ani't stupid.
I'm from England, and over
there we all call you Peter
Dinkle"
"Really? and why would
you cocksucking,
Mother fucking Brits call me
Dinkle?"
"Because in Britain a
Dinkle is another name for
a small prick."


We got instructed in art
class to make a likeness
of Cressinda Dick. There
were some fantastic
drawings, paintings and
sculptures.
I just bent a two pence
coin over.


"Shigella : Gay and
bisexual men warned
over highly infectious
and 'extremely antibiotic-resistant
bug."
Wouldn't it be better to
warn them against fucking
each other up the arse?


Fans can't complain about
Mason Greenwood.
We all go home and beat
our wives when the team
plays shit.


What’s the difference
between most chief
constable and a certain
Man United star?...
One won't be a freemason
for much longer.


I don't think Prince Andrew
is too concerned about
being banned from his
golf club;The Royal and
Ancient at St Andrews.
He has just taken honoury
membership with The
Young and Promiscuous
at St Trinians.


Nice to see Prince Harry
and Megan joining
the condemnation
of Spotify over Covid
misinformation.
Obviously not enough
to justify cancelling
their content deal with
the company worth an
estimated £18m...Not
that much misinformation.

[Piper]

Joni Mitchell..... She didn’t
leave Spotify in protest
against Josh Rogin’s
podcasts.
She was banned.
For spreading untruths
about "tree museum's'


Looking forward to
the new Neil Young
compilation with newly
discovered unedited lyrics
from classics, my
favourite being :
Keep on rocking in the
free world-As long as
you're only excising your
freedom to agree with me.


Adele tries to save her
relationship with Rich Paul
after he wasn't there for
Her during Vegas show
cancellations.
Don't fret dear - he's just
gone for some cigarettes -
should be back by July.


Adele has pulled all her
albums from Spotify.
It's now safe to join
Spotify...


Peter Dinklage trying to
stop Disney remaking
Snow White and the 7
Dwarves.
Typical pampered luvvie
who has forgotten his
humble roots and pulls up
the footstool to deprive
others of the same
opportunities.



I don't know why Walt
Disney listened to Peter
Dinklage and took the
Dwarves out of the
forthcoming Snow White
He's not a big actor, he
just plays small parts


Some people like to make
jokes about Peter Dinklage,
but I'd never stoop so low.


I think Cressida Dick
should be fired. Not
because of incompetence,
but because of false
advertising.
Calling herself a lesbian
when you rearrange
letters in her first name
and you get "I'd caress
dick."


Watching the news earlier :.
"TV presenter Phillip
Schofield has tested
positive". "Hardly surprising all
things considered."
"For Covid-19."
"Oh, oh, right"


Simon Cowell was
reportedly rushed to
hospital following another
e-bike crash
You could say he's in a
vicious cycle...

[Bikkie]

Why are women so obsessed with clothes when all men care about is what they look like naked … ???


I went on a date with a girl last night.
I said, "You look amazing."
"Thanks," she smiled. "My dad made me what I am today."
"You come from a rich family?" I asked.
She said, "No, he's a transgender surgeon."


Scientists say sniffing Rosemary can increase memory by 75 percent, yet every time I try she slaps me saying I'm a creep.




I conned a girl into thinking I was a soldier. Great shag. Only downside is she's served me with a dishonorable discharge. Ouch




According to a new report, China now watches more porn than the US & UK.

This is great news —

China is consuming something that’s made in our country.



Victoria Beckham has the same meal of grilled fish & steamed veg every day.

No oil, butter or sauces.

A treat is a slice of wholewheat toast with salt on and for her birthday, a piece of fruitcake.

They say you are what you eat.


Guy goes into a golf club, the receptionist says:

“Sorry you’re not welcome here”

Guy:” but I’m a country member!”

“Yeah I remember….



It’s alright mason my lad, just say you don’t sweat and all will be fine.

Kind regards
Andy Windsor

If a Rancor ate an Ewok would it be a little Chewy?



What's the difference between milk and Michael McIntyre?

Milk can be funny.


Why did the baker have brown fingers?

He kneaded a pooh.

Credit: Whizzer & Chips 1983




Bill Cosby sings Craig David:

�� I met this girl on Monday
Took her for a drink on Tuesday
We were making love by Wednesday
And on Thursday and Friday and Saturday, she woke on Sunday. ��



My wife once went to a remoaner rally and unbelievably a reporter with the Alex Jones network started asking the fat fucker some questions.

He quickly started frustrating her so she declared "You're just trying to make me look stupid !"






I wiped the shit off her back and legs, tickled her and gave her a kiss, reached over to get a fresh nappy and I couldn't help but think to myself that I wish nans care workers had just had the fucking vaccine instead of getting themselves the sack




I was in the process of seducing the Mrs and she said "Talk dirty to me".

So I replied "I'd like to rip the knickers off your mother, bend her over the table cum in her hairy ass whilst trying to squeeze any residual milk from her dried up sagging jugglers like she is from a Somerset dairy herd".

Apparently this was the wrong answer, but the good news is I am expecting to make a full recovery by the summer and they have already located a donor organ, hope it isn't a black one though. Glass half full, that's me!




You know if you die from the Coronavirus.

Even your death will be

Made In China...

[Piper]

Whoopi Goldberg said the
Holocaust "wasn't about
race"
Is as stupid as saying
Whoopi Goldberg isn't
black?


Whoopsie Goldberg!


Lorraine Kelly has advised
Simon Cowell to 'wear
a helmet' after the pop
mogul was injured in
another cycling crash.
He replied 'I don't think
I need to. Everyone who
knows me is always
saying I'm a complete
helmet'


Graffi artist Banksy, he
must be the only man
who's sprayed more shit
on a wall than Bobby
Sands.


From now on if someone
upsets me, I'm call them an
"arsehole, fucker, or piece
of shit" because those
are gender-neutral words
and I don't want to offend
anyone.

[Bikkie]

This Asian in the office once had the nerve to shout at me "Supplies !", so I said right to his face "Oi, I'm working as hard as I can on the logistics, you fucking fishhead bastard !"

and so ended yet again another attempt of my colleagues to throw me a surprise birthday party.




Today I learned that Cressida Dick has a girlfriend with the surname Ball.

I'm unsure if simple irony, or if inappropriate to make a joke about a gay couple literally BEING the dick and ball....

One thing that always makes me chuckle is whenever I see a horse wearing a hat.

Still though, I've never quite known what Charles sees in Camilla








My mate said, 'Don't you think Justin Bieber looks like Miley Cyrus without makeup?'

I replied, 'No, I think Miley Cyrus looks like Justin Bieber without makeup.'



'Deja poo'
The feeling that you've heard this shit before





"What are you doing?"

"Curling."

"Well, hurry up and wipe your arse or you'll miss the start of the winter Olympics."



Women and beer are very similar .....

Chill for the best result...


As a keen competitor on the series, everything was going great on My Kitchen Rules until I shared the ingredients of my tossed salad.



I disagree with Whoopie Goldberg, race isn't always something you can see.

Especially when one of the fuckers mugs you in a dark alley.

[R650R]

https://youtu.be/ii_rx-_yPeU

[Piper]

First they came for the
communists, but I hate
commies, so I said
nothing.
Then they came for the
Trade unionists, but I'm a
small business owner, so I
wasn't bothered.
Next they came for the
Jehovah's Witnesses, but
I've always hated those
cunts for knocking on
my door at 9 o'clock on a
Saturday morning when
I'm still in bed.
Next they came for the
Jews ;I'm a Jew, but I
wasn't afraid because
Whoopi Goldberg told me
they weren't racist.


Fuck me, there were
so many children in
the Olympics opening
ceremony.
It's like they closed an
Apple factory for the day.


Can't be the only one who
has an overwhelming urge
whenever I see females
boxing, to shoot, "leave
it!... He's not worth it.


KFC have decided to
rename their company in
keeping with the twenty
first century.
It will now be known as
Kids Fat Club.


This sucks. My girlfriend
wants me to go and buy
her some tampons.
If that wasn't enough,
she's making me buy her
a copy of the new One
Direction album as well.


My wife hates Golden
Showers.
She'll have to get used to
them now that the gas
price is shooting up.


To be fair to Boris when
someone said rescue the
Afghans the dopey cunt
thought they meant dogs.


I remember listening to
my first Beatles record as
if it was yesterday.

[Bikkie]

Just been out picking apples...

Or "stealing mobile phones" as the police put it



The plot for the new Disney Cartoon remake of Snow White

Gang of vertically challenged coal miners adopt dumb squatter who suffers from delusions of grandeur. After ruthlessly removing her virginity and desecrating all her other bodily orifices repeatedly, she is dumped in a coma in the forest to let nature take it’s toll. Fortunately a passing gay Prince (the only fairy in the tale) rescues her, kisses her to revive her and sells her on to sex slavers for a pocket full of magic beans and a quick blow job.



Isn’t it strange how the crybabies are trying to cancel Jimmy Carr, but they’re ok with Maxine Carr roaming the streets…



The duchess of Cambridge is to read a children's story on Cbbc, 13th February at 6:30pm.
I wonder how many men will only have a tiny amount of clear runny spunk left for their wives on Valentines night?



To all the Thai girls I've loved before, you well come.


A crocodile has been freed after wearing a car tyre round its neck for six years.
Rescuers had to tread carefully and although worn out, managed to cut him free.
It's going to be a Goodyear for the Croc now and he can stop living in de-nile.
I'll get my boat.


Great to see that young blonde actress, Reese something on the American baking competition.
Witherspoon?
Yes and her rolling pin and piping bag.

(if you can't think of a new joke... Bastardize the old ones)


Porn sites will soon be legally required to verify the users age

its a little bit unfair but I'm just glad it's only the users age they want to verify.


Amsterdam police have found 7,000 kg of marijuana and hashish in a

warehouse near Schiphol Airport in the Netherlands.

The warehouse door

read the initials B.A. Brit Awards 2022...


Beijing Olympics:

Wee Scottish lass seen practicing her sweeping brush technique.
That'll save her a black eye when he gets back from the pub.


I was at the gym and going for a set of 315 for 12 on the bench press, and as I was on the 8th and 9th rep this guy spotting me was shouting things trying to encourage me like "Size is the Prize !"

"Listen mate, I'm training like this to bang a slender fit woman, not my fat fucking wife !"

[Piper]

I've been trying to get an
appointment to see my
doctor for absolutely
ages. I finally saw him
Monday at 2.30 and
showed him the rash on
my scrotum that had been
worsening over these last
4 months.
Miserable cunt completely
ignored me and kept on
pushing his trolley around
Pak n' save.


All feminists are strong
women and don't need a
man in their lives.
Unless it's to blame men
for their problems that is.

. I'm in a sticky situation.
I was watching the
wrecking Ball music
video...


Whats the difference
between applies and
Muslims?
I don't use a sniper rifle to
pick off apples.


So many things these
days are disposable. Use
once and useless after
Razors
Plastic straws
Suicide Bombers.


Few women admit their
age.
Few men act it.


"Daddy, why does Nana
smell of wee wee?" my
daughter asked.
"Well, she's old," I
explained. "Although
being a prostitute that
specialises in 'water
sports' probably doesn't
help either"


Can't believe how saggy
my foreskin is now I'm
older...
It looks like Dumbos trunk.


Quinten has been invited
to Radio 2 themed
whisky testing event.
He can't wait to get his
lips around a stiff Johnnie
Walker.


Never laugh at your wife
choices...
You are one of them

[Piper]

West Ham footballer Kurt
Zouma has had his two
cats taken away from him.
By the RSPCA after
footage emerged of him
kicking one.
West Ham Utd are to
release a charity single
Tom Jones-"What's New
Pussycat?"


Nestle are hiring Kurt
Zouma to be their new
mascot of their new
chocolate bar kick-cat.


The controversial sport
of dwarf-tossing was
invented by Snow White.


Why do women talk so
much?
Because they have two
sets of lips...


'My Mehbooba': Charles
uses Camilla's pet name
( which means 'Trigger' in
Urdu )

[Piper]

Cluedo for cats.
It was Kurt Zouma in the
kitchen, with a boot.


"Adidas ends sponsorship
deal with West Ham
defender Kurt Zouma over
cat-attack video"
I bet that's the most
expensive pussy he's ever
had.


Zouma, you're a boy make
a big noise
Playing on the pitch,
gonna be a big man
someday
You got mud on your face,
you big disgrace
Kicking your cat all over
the place sigin'
We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you


Daily mail :Kim
Kindergarten has explained
why she split with Kanye
West.. In other news, the pope
has explained why he is
Catholic.


My local shop is doing a
dozen roses for a tenner
this Valentine's Day.
I read that women find
such overblown gestures
unimpressive, and are
happier to receive a single
rose to show that you love
them.
Brilliant! This year all
twelve of my girlfriends
will think I love them, and
I'll only be a tenner down.


'Neil Young urges Spotify
employees to leave
company' before it eats
your soul. '
I think by the looks of it
something he's already
done that to you Neil!

[Piper]

Are the ladies feeling
cheated in that the Super
Bowl is the 13th and so
they'll get Valentines Day
when half the nation is
hung over after Super
Bowl parties? You may get
the "I have a headache"
line on your big day.


China is now the world's
largest economy.
Not to worry. Thanks to
McDonald's and Pizza
Hut.
We are the world's
largest people.


Lewis Hamilton caught
on camera kicking his
tyres.
Not a Goodyear for
blacks


New variant of Covid
detected that cause you
to sweat butter. However
scientists confident they
can stop the spread

( News quiz )

[Piper]

This Valentine's Day I will
no doubt be inundated
again as usual...
in undated


Ex-King Crimson and
Foreigner keyboard player,
Ian McDonald has died.
His 'Epitaph' will read,
'Cold As Ice'...

[Bikkie]

Looking for a bit of advice...
What's the best number of Roses to give the girlfriend for Valentine's Day? -
6? 12? 24?
Or the whole tin?

I'm a bit of a secret admirer to the girl next door so I'm gonna have some flowers sent to her house.


I can't wait to see her reaction through the crack of her wardrobe.



Just came back from willy wonkas factory.

Guess what the fireguard was made out of...




I went for a lovely walk through the graveyard this morning.

I ain't spending any money on flowers this valentines day.



Shaquille O'Neal, known as Shaq.

Like the love shack only spelt differently.

And he's the size of a B52.



According to a new poll, a majority of women want their men to propose on Valentine's Day.

The same poll revealed men would rather propose on April Fool's Day.


The little black kid got a valentines card at my sons school with the rhyme :

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Where is your dad?
And what does he do?




Roses are boring
Heroes are better
But Toblerone wins
For getting me wetter



My nurse girlfriend came in yelling in rage because apparently I`ve given her an STD.

Women are never content.

You`d think she`d be in favour of "Clap for the NHS."



A blast from the past.

Theresa May informs Boris Johnson that ‘leave really does mean leave’.



Matt Damon is to star in a new movie about a man who has accepted Jesus as his Savior or Redeemer.

The Bourne Again Christian



- New Zealand officials blasted Barry Manilow songs loudly on a loop to try and drive off anti-vaxx protestors.

Not sure why they thought that would work as white people like me enjoy his songs... if they had played some Gangster rap someone like me would have fled in 2 seconds as I fucking hate that nigger music.




They wanted all parents to come in for one day of reading times and such at my young son's school, but they actually had the officer there chuck me out just because of the song I sang for them on the guitar when I instructed the alphabet.

- K,K,K... that's my favourite letter -




Leftists: Workers of the world, Unite!
Truckers: Unite against Tyranny!
Leftists: No! Not like that!



"2B, or not 2B. That is the question."

- Shakespeare, apartment hunting...


Of course the Met are racist. I overheard one of them them on his walkie-talkie the other day. Kept complaining about the fuzzy wuzzy reception. Said it was something to do with a radio black-out.

I approached a woman that looked to be about 28 in the gym and offered her £250 for sex, and she was massively offended.

I said, "Then why are you dressing like a whore in here ?"



If love is blind?

Why is lingerie so popular?


The teacher asked the class, "Who can spell the word SEAWARD?"

Leroy put up his hand and said, "C U N...


‘Dick is out’

‘The Wrath of Khan.’


I let one of my places out to a gay couple, but I'm going to have to serve an eviction notice on them.

At first it was fine having a couple of reliable rent boys, but they keep slamming the back door.



My Irish mate can move rhythmically to music, typically following a set sequence of steps, on an archer's portable case for holding arrows.

Quiver dance.



"Two dyslexics talking in the kitchen one says to the other can you smell gas"?

"The other says oh I don't know I doubt it. I can't even smell my own name"



I took a girl back to my place last night.

An hour later, she said, "That was the best shag ever. I've never seen such a huge dick."

"I told you it'd be fantastic," I replied.

There was an awkward silence, before she finally said, "Are you gonna fuck me, then, or are we watching porn all night?"




My Dad had a sex change and I can't see him anymore. He's transparent.

But there is an upside: No more Dad jokes.


Rang an estate agent yesterday about selling my house. He asked if I had a semi. A bit forward I thought.

So kicking cats is where most people draw a line....

To which I reply "if you don't draw a line how do you know how far you've kicked them?" 😂



Cressida Dick's replacement is bound to be female.
I can't see a man filling her slot.

I asked my wife why she was going to her teaching job looking so ridiculous and she said, "I dress for the job I want, not the job I have."

Her strategy worked like a charm as for the last 16 years she's had the "job" of sitting home and collecting benefits whilst she watches the telly all day and wears a flimsy muumuu.


My mate is hooked on methamphetamine

He is fed up being told to "REDUCE SPEED NOW" by those road signs




Mayor of London Sadiq Khan loses confidence in his Dick.



Dick pulls out.



Me trying to flirt: "You're so hot that when I went down on you, I burnt my tounge ;)"

Her: "nah, that'd be the chlamydia"




The reverse condom:

Dick is out and Johnson is no longer protected.




"A soft Dick is no good to anyone" Sadiq Khan

[Bikkie]

What's the difference between a £20 steak and a £55 steak?

February 14th...



I bought the wife a Valentines treat from Anne Summers, a red bra and panties and some stockings and suspenders.
Unfortunately I couldn't perform on the night but she told me not to worry as we could try again tomorrow night and this time she'd wear them.

Roses are red,
Valentine's Day breaks the bank,
I preferred it when it was just me,
With a Pot Noodle and a wank.



To anyone suffering from paranoia

Remember, you're not alone.



roses are red
violets are blue
so are my bollocks
'til I empty them in you



Roses are red
Violets get you drunk
Open your gob
And swallow my spunk.

A short verse to help you out tonight



Hard times make strong men

Easy times produce vegans



I love valentines day. I always forget on purpose so my Mrs will give me the silent treatment and I get some peace and quiet for the day.

Ghostbusters director Ivan Reitman has died at the age of 75...producers have confirmed that he will now have a cameo role in the next movie

After testing positive for Covid, Camilla Parker Bowles has decided it would be wise to cancel all engagements.

She will now stay at home and sponge millions from the taxpayers instead.




I bought my wife some sexy underwear for Valentines day.

As soon as she put it on though, it became just underwear.


Happy Valentine’s Day to all those people in love and happy Monday to all those who are married.


I received five Valentine's cards at work today,
the most I've ever had.

I wish we had a woman in the office though.



Happy Valentine's Day—or as single people call it,

"Drunk Dial Your Ex" Day...



Just found out the Scottish guy who lives next door to me is a drug dealer who also does a Marc Bolan tribute act at weekends.

That explains his nickname
... "Sell A Gram Tam"



My missus says I have a face for radio.

So does she now.



Dr. Dre, Mary J Blige, Lamar, Snoop Dogg, Eminem, and 50 Cent perform at Super Bowl's first-ever hip-hop show.

Five blacks and a white. Reminds of a quarterback and an offensive line.



I’m not overly surprised that Eminem followed Colin Kaepernick and took to 1 knee at Super Bowl LVI.

I’m more shocked that after all these years he’s not the real Slim Shady



A Facebook friend of mine posted a video of her infant son with the caption, 'Future footballer?'

I watched it expecting to see the little lad kicking a soft ball around, but he just fell over then started screaming.



I didn't get a Valentines day card today but I got a summons.

At least I'm fucking wanted somewhere.




Who was the first black actor to play the Equalizer?

N-Word Woodward


Old lady sitting on a bus and sees a 5 year old lad dressed up for a kids fancy dress birthday party. "Off to a party, I see", she says to the lad. "What are you dressed as?"
"A pirate." says the lad.
"And where are your buccaneers?"
"Under me buckin' 'at!"



My granddad has Parkinson's.

Whenever I ask for a glass of milk, he brings me cheese.

[Piper]

I was watching 8 out of
10 cats with my girlfriend
when I was talking over
Rosie Jones talking, my
girlfriend said, shhh, I can't
hear what she is saying, I
said, no one can.


I ordered a meal in
McDonald's, the woman
asked, "Are you having it
large?"
I said, Why, have you got
some gear? "


If you want to find out a
woman's faults
praise her to her female
friends.

[Bikkie]

In an unexpected twist, Prince Andrew is now paying Virginia Giuffre to keep her mouth closed.


I hope Prince Andrew hasn't agreed a massive settlement in his sex abuse case.

What with fuel bills sky high as well, we're going to struggle to pay it.




Bought my son a drone for his Birthday.

He looks disappointed, but if he's good I'll pay the beekeeper for the full hive.




The new Lord of the Rings TV show cost $1 Billion to make and was filmed in New Zealand.

A small band of white characters under seige from a hord of rampaging Orcs who are destroying their way of life?

They could've saved some dough and set it in an English city.



What do you call a gay from New Zealand?

A Kiwi fruit.



This new Korean woman at work is apparently a lesbian.

She likes to eat pussy.



I used to like dressing up as a nun. It started out as a bit of fun but then got out of hand. I've been having counselling and going to a support group. I've now managed to kick the habit.



In a fancy restaurant, I saw Quinten Crisp eating a steak.

He's always enjoyed a large piece of firm meat.

Oooooooh.




Mr. Trump to tell lenders the statements issued between 2011 to 2020 are no longer deemed reliable

Mr. Trump will now be known as

The League of Extraordinary Con Men...



Billie eilish has been cancelled due to her homophobic slurs.

Good if you ask me, I can't stand celebrities thinking they can get away with it, it's about time someone called them out fucking faggots.

[Piper]

No. Dog shit bins in the
park?
Simply address the full
bag to the council and pop
in a post box.


Deputy Assistant
Commissioner Bas Javid
told BBC Newsnight some
officers "have racist views
and are racist.
Well with policing when
it's blacks committing
most crimes."


My daughter ambushed
me and bought home a
coloured boyfriend who
said he's an "aspiring
rapper," and let out a long
stream of nothing but
obscenities.
I've got a lawsuit now
against the jigaboo
as I should have the
songwriting rights to his
new #1rap single that's
word-for-word what I said.


There was a scouse
Alanis Morissette tribute
act on in my local last
night her first song was
One Hand In Your Pocket.


There was a cross
dressing Eurythmics
tribute act in my local
last night, the singers
name was Trannie Lennox.


I mentioned at work that
"It's great to see the dwarf
actors getting some work
and also the main actress
cast is a Latina."
The SJW feminist who
interjected into the
conversation said, "It's
great to see a dinosaur
like you finally accepting
the diverse colour-blind
casting for new
productions like Snow
White
" I'm not talking about
Snow White, but some
Midget porn I recently
watched. "


Children in the dark make
accidents.
Accidents in the dark
make children...


There were 3 brothers
from China.

Bu, Chu, and Fu.

When they moved to
America, they decided to
change their names.

Bu changed his name to
Buck.

Chu changed his name to
Chuck.

And Fu... Well, he had to go
back to China...


You are really old.
When your back goes out
more often than you do!


What the most common
reaction emojis really
mean

Heart: I'm going to
masturbate over you.

Laughing Face: You're a
fucking idiot.

Sad Face: you make me
fucking puke.

Angry Face: you need
to play with a chainsaw
in the middle of a busy
motorway.

Care Face: I really don't
give a fuck, whinge to
someone else.

Thumb Up: Send nudes

Thumb Down' I hope we
never ever meet any you
meet a grizzly end.


Huge queues are forming
at Buckingham palace on
news that Prince Andrew
is giving away huge
amounts of money to
people he has never met.


Police swoop on Jordan
Pickford pub where
England ace caught up in
brawl after being mocked
for 'T-Rex arms'
Why would he be upset
being compared to marc
Bolan.

[Bikkie]

I completely understand Virginia Guiffre taking the money & not wanting her dirty laundry aired in public.

Prince Andrew would only end up sniffing it.




A big thank you to all the UK taxpayers.

Signed
Andrew Albert Christian Edward xxx



Just had my water bill of £900. That's too much.
Oxfam can supply a whole african village for just £3 a month. Time to change supplier I think.


In the ad break of a TV show last night a white, heterosexual couple were trying to sell me something.

Then I remembered I was watching an 80's show on VHS.


Oh, the grand old Duke of York,
Had twelve million of our bucks,
He used it to pay off the
underage girls that he fucks.



Prince Andrew handed over so much taxpayer money to Virginia Giuffre that she must have felt like one of the family.



Prince Andrew has settled his underage sex abuse case out of court.

No sweat!




Prince Andrew need not feel too bad. Even if he does forfeit his public duties permanently, he can always get a job with the BBC.



🎶The grand old Duke of nonce,
He never shagged that kid,
That's why he paid her millions,
To stop saying he did🎶



Prince Andrew manages to settle out of court...his lawyers are so good it wouldn't surprise me if he managed to secure another shag as part of the deal



Prince Andrew has had more victories in court.

Than Donald Trump...


The grand old duke of York

He payed to get out of court

His old dear mother payed them off

And he's free to nonce again

Royals ‘bracing for tell-all book’ from Prince Andrew’s accuser, as it emerged Virginia Giuffre didn’t sign NDA.

Virginia explained “Prince Andrew already knows that I don’t have a gag reflex”



🎶 The grand old Duke of York 🎶

Not so grand now, eh ?



Th grand old Duke of nonce
he really was a Ponce
He paid 12 mill to an American girl
That he never got to fk (ahem)
When he was up he was up.
When she went down she went down
And when he was only half way up he shuck it in her brown.
P Ayres.

[Bikkie]

Surely, it's now "the twelve thousand grand old Duke of York"?


In my years of working within the entertainment industry I've always found the pompousness of those who exclaim, "Don't you know who I am?!" fascinating.

To which I've replied, "Sure, you're that person who's got amnesia!"


When I was in the USA, I went to an arena and watched a night of fights.

Between bouts, they also seemed to play a hockey game.


What do Katie Price and the UK weather have in common?

They will both blow the entire UK just to get on TV...


We had that "diversity training" at work and I couldn't believe just how much I was agreeing with the big fat black lady doing it..... She said, "black people should have their own 'safe spaces' to stay in where white people never enter."

"I'm completely fucking with you on that one, bitch."


If I understand correctly, Prince Andrew is now forbidden from playing any kind of role in British royal ceremonies, isn't that right? In other words, the Grand old Duke of York becomes the Banned old Duke of York.



Polar bears are pretty cool.



The Met Office has issued a red weather warning covering all of Wales in anticipation of Storm Eunice

Residents have been advised to make preparations for possible power cuts, to avoid travelling where possible and to bring their 2 sexiest sheep indoors




BBC headline
“Kitkat and Durex makers warn of price rises”

Can’t the do the same as Mars bars and keep the price the same, but make the product smaller




The grand old duke of York,
He was a filthy prick,
He paid some bird 12 million quid,
She must have sucked good dick.


Using Dating Apps is a lot like going to the Zoo. You enjoy looking at the various creatures but are fucking terrified about meeting them up close and unconstrained.




The Queen's Jubilee celebrations are reportedly one less guest yet still £12,000,000 over budget.


Just got thrown out of my local Asian karaoke night

Maybe I shouldn't have started with woahoa black betty


KitKat and Durex makers warn of price rises.

My lunchtimes were already expensive enough.



The Grand old Joke of York.


What's the difference between a bank robber and a Republican politician?

A bank robber is a safe cracker. A Republican politician is a dangerous cracker.



Beauty and the Beast.

A tale as old as Randy Prince Andrew...


A year after crashing his car and having multiple surgeries on his leg, Tiger Woods says he's working on walking.

He can putt and hit a few short irons.

But he still can't drive.




Poor Prince Andrew.
Went seeking Pandora's box and got Victoria's secret blown all over his face at a cost of £12,000,000. The dozy twat.



A Paedophile Poem:

Oh, the grand old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand girls;
He shagged them up at the top of the hill,
And he made them down on him again.

When his pants were up, they were up,
And when they were underage, they came down,
And though they were all still at school
He shagged them once again.

[Bikkie]

Met a nice Jewish girl in the club last night, at the end of the evening she asked if i would like her number. I told her "We don't do that anymore you can use your name now."



Prince Andrew is praying his mother survives Covid.

Till the cheque clears anyway



Thinking of ordering a pizza for home delivery.
Not that I'm hungry - just want Ahmed to get pissed wet through on his moped!




Katy Price has got that t.v. program about doing up her old wrecked gaff...
trouble is there's no actual D.I.Y in the show....

Unless you count the bit at the end where she gets her face plastered by 15 builders....



Britain's women win gold at curling.

How ironic that our only gold comes in a sport that involves 4 women and a sweeping brush.




I see the woman's curlers won gold in the Winter Olympics.

I didn't realise hairdressing was a discipline, but fair play to them




Elton John reported to have donated his prized original grand piano at auction that sold for $3,000,000. No fee and no takers interested in the accompanying stool however.




I phoned my boss on Monday morning and said, 'Sorry, but I'm not going to make it in today. Got another case of V.D.'

He replied, 'For God's sake, that's the third time this year! It's about time you started using some protection!'

I said, 'You can get protection against Vomiting and Diarrhoea now?'

[Piper]

A shark expert from
Sydney has told news
that Simon Nellist was
Probably mistaken for a
dolphin, seal or fish.
I get the dolphin and fish
part but seal is clearly a
nigger and was recording
his album in London at the
time.


American Twitter users
have been complaining
that today's Wordle
answer, "swill" is too
complicated and probably
doesn't even exist.
Pretty rich from the exact
same group of people
who invented the words
"genderqueer," "nonbinary"
and "cisheteronormative"


My weird gothic son has
began dressing as a
vampire.
I told the little creep he's
taking it much too far
asking his mother for her
used tampons so he can
make a cup of tea.


If your a human cannon
ball, and your really bad at
your job. How do they fire
you?


Little Leroy says to little
Tanisha, "Wanna play
Mummies and Daddies?"
"Sure," she replies
So he fucks off.


Australian Customs
Officer: AhhMs Guiffre,
welcome back to Australia
Virginia Giuffre : Thanks it's
good to be home.
Australian Customs
Officer: I hear you got a bit
of a windfall?
Virginia Giuffre : Yes I did.
£12 million pounds, with
my lawyer's fee at 25%,I
did OK.
Australian Customs
Officer: Good. Do you
have anything to declare?
Virginia Giuffre : Nothing
Australian Customs
Officer: Very well. Have a
good day. Oh and don't
forget this envelope
Virginia Giuffre : What's in it?
Australian Customs
Officer: Oh, it's just a tax
bill for 80% from Her
Majesties Australian Tax
Office.


Storm Franklin is about to
batter the UK.
The Met Office has said
we'll all be OK if we show
it some R. E. S. P. E. C. T and
say a little prayer.


Prince Andrew is praying
his mother survives Covid.
Till the cheque clears
anyway.


What's the difference
between the Queen and
Virginia Giuffre?
We know for sure that the
Queen got an infection
from a British prince.

[Bikkie]

Two birds (the winged type) in a field.
First bird: "Russia bad. Russia doing invasion."
Second bird: "Ukraine?"
First bird: "No. Me seagull."
.
I'll get my feathered coat...


Accordion to recent surveys, words replaced by musical instruments will often go unnoticed in a sentence.




What if Putin wrote the "Tarzan" stories...

"Me Rusher, you Crane."


Why do women take 5 to 7 working days to calm down ?



A Buckingham palace statement says that the Queen is still experiencing cold like symptoms

But I know for a fact that she's coughed up £12,000,000.



Procol Harum frontman Gary Brooker is quite a shade of pale now.



Say what you want about Russia .. but they went from no plans to invade Ukraine to Invading Ukraine in less than a day.
I would like to see any other country implement policy change that fast!



I believe in equality.

I'm so glad my drug dealer thinks the same.


Putin has been playing

'Back In The U.S.S.R.'



Sex education in the Ukraine:

Putin, withdraw!

[Piper]

Now I'm not saying the
Queen is thick but when
Andy said he had a 15
year old escort she asked
was it taxed and insured.


They're done a remake of
the old children's favourite
'The Queen's Nose.'
It's called 'The Prince's
Knob' and once again
when a young girl rubs it
she gets rich.


I just got a job as a
cuckoo in a cuckoo clock.
It’s not the best job in the
world, but it gets me out
of the house.


I'm not saying that my son
in law is thick, but he’s
over the moon because
he's just been offered a
job in the local jewellery
shop cleaning bird shit out
of the cuckoo clocks.


You can never accuse an
adult midget of behaving
like a big kid.

[Piper]

FOR SALE.

Iron Curtain. In mint
condition.
Not used since 1989


So Ukraine has no nukes
who needs nuclear
weapons anyway its 2022.
This time round we can
send the women in 1st
especially if it's time of
the month they will quite
literally be 'ON' the front
line.


There's a new Broadway
musical in the making,
inspired by Russia's
invasion of Ukraine.
'Putin' On The Blitz 'Due
to take the stage this
spring.


Everybody seems to be
so concerned with what’s
happening in Ukraine at
The moment. For fuck‘s
sake, just calm down. I
mean, what’s the worst
that can happen?


Russian forces in Ukraine
have captured the former
nuclear power plant at
Chernobyl.
For the next few days
anyway.


Wow,
Forgot Putin was in the sugababes...
Then I remembered the tight gold hot pants,
skimpy top and the sexy tweaking to;
"push the button... push, push the button
baby"...


"Eurovision : Russia
allowed to compete in
song contest despite
invading Ukraine"
Their entry is Vladimir
Putin in singing a new
arrangement of the Queen
song "Don't Stop Me Now"

[Bikkie]

Vladimir Putin is 69.
His assets total £150 billion dollars.
He is now sitting in one of his 8 palaces.
He owns a £100 million yacht and a fleet of luxury cars.
He has countless mistresses young enough to be his granddaughter.

A Russian conscript is 18.
He earns 2,000 Rubles a month, equivalent to £17.50.
He is standing on a street corner not knowing when a Ukrainian is going to blow his head off.
He owns fuck all.
His family don't know if he's coming back.

Now which one is fucking nuts?



The scientific achievement of reaching the temperature of Absolute Zero has been achieved today somewhere in earth.

Inside of my wife's knickers




Two Praying Mantises in a pub at closing time:

'Another pint before we hit the road, mate?'

'Might as well. The wife's going to bite my head off when I get home anyway.'


This relentless onslaught by the superpower over the little guys is really hard to watch. However they’re still hanging on! Fair play Everton




The brave Ukrainian people standing in front of Russian tanks need to heed the Chinese proverb:

Man who try to stop Tank should know, vehicle without tyre, can still have flats.

Confucious.


"'Sad and desperate!' Ulrika Jonsson blasts 'wannabe' Cruz Beckham over 'provocative' snaps"

He isn't so sad and desperate that he'd shag an old cougar like her.




Sex is so stressful.

First you hide it from your parents.
Then you hide it from your kids.
Then you hide it from your wife.




After she gave me a blowy, I told my Paki girlfriend that I'm going to start calling her 'Magnum'.

'Is that because I'm cool, dark and sweet like the ice cream?', she smiled.

'No', I replied, 'Because you're so hairy it's like I'm getting sucked off by Tom Selleck.'



I was chatting up this lovely girl at the club last night, when I leaned in closer for a kiss.

She stopped me and winked, "Do you mind going somewhere a little more private?"

I said, "OK, take your panties off."




Heineken’s recent announcement of price increases for their lager means that they are still able to reach those parts of your wallet that other beers can’t.


The rain in Ukraine falls
mainly from the plane.




Wyayne Rooney has
offered his solidarity with
the Ukrainian people.
If there;s anything he
knows about,it's pulling
out of the Motherland.




Leeds United fans are the
luckiest in the league.
They see loads of goals
every game.




Phillip Schofield,
He's has been very upset
by the media he's been
getting all different
opinions....
But then he's got long
history of taking it the
wrong way.




Has nobody told Putin
that,"fighting for peace,"
is like fucking for virginity?




Cardi B speaking out
about the crisis in Ukraine.
Is as useless as Cardi B
speaking out about
anything...

[Piper]

News: Accounting firm
cuts ties with Trump.
And yet his ties are still 6
inches too long.


I think my cricket team
have Tourettes or
something.
Every time the ball goes
in the air everyone starts
yelling "cat shit"


Yesterday my wife told me
she's going to go out and
get a Footlong.
"Subway?"
"No, Jamal."


I'm no psychiatrist,
But judging by the size
and quantity of missiles he
needs to display , Putin
must have an
'Inny-willy...


What do kitchen knives
and dicks have in
common?
Black guys are always
eagerly shoving both in
people.


I'm trying to be a' new
man' around the house.
Today I filled the
dishwasher - Then came
all over her face!


Bradley Walsh : "Are you
going for the big offer?"

First contestant :

"Definitely not"

Bradley Walsh : "Why's
that?"

First contestant : "Cos
there are women in seats
two and four."


My girlfriend has a nasty
temper.
Last night I accidentally
spilled my energy drink all
over her sanitary towel.
She completely lost it!
Like 'a Red Bull to a rag'.

[Piper]

Few women admit their
age.
Few men act it...


My wife's nephew with
Downs loves KFC.
It's Window-lickin good.


The Irish Government
have decided to protest the
invasion of Ukraine.
All the casinos in the
Republic have been
instructed to ban Russian
Roulette.


Putin hitting the nuclear
button may be the stuff of
nightmares, but the dream
of running into the streets
and begging a stranger
for sex before the missile
hits, just inches closer to
reality every day.


I ordered a takeaway three
hours ago and I'm already
feeling like Vladimir Putin.
Like him, I've also been
waiting ages for the
fucking Chinese to turn up.


"Would Vladimir Putin
actually use nuclear
weapons?"
No way! Of course he
wou...