What's your sickest joke? [Archive] - Page 4

Juniper

19th November 2013, 09:35

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'
I told him 'I wish I had your f**king will power'

Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.
Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Paki's" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.'
I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually '

I walked past a maori kid sitting at a Bus Stop as I came out of the Bank. He looked at me and said 'Any Change'
I said 'Nope! You’re still Black'

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks What is wrong??
The boy says Me ma is dead
Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you??
The boy replies No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment.

I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.
Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I’m having that.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I??
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard. You’re in that feckin basket.

I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was Where do women have the curliest hair??
The answer I should have given was Fiji.

Juniper

19th November 2013, 09:38

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here." The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink." The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!" "No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Spot here." The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. "Now, can I have my drink." says the dog. The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favour? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards." "Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves. Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog. As they approach the cafe, they see Spot going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe. The owner shouts, "Spot! What are you doing! You've never done this before!" The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before."

Juniper

19th November 2013, 09:39

Little Ralphy and Claudia are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Ralphy goes to Claudia's father to ask him for her hand.

Ralphy bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Claudia are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Ralphy, you are only 10..Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Ralphy replies, "In Claudia's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Claudia."

Again, Ralphy instantly replies, "Our allowance, Claudia makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month,so that should do us just fine."

Ralphy has put so much thought into this. "Well Ralphy, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Ralphy just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks this wise ass little shithead is so adorable.

Juniper

19th November 2013, 09:41

I'm not racist, I have a color TV.

Why does helen keller masturbate with one hand? So she can moan with the other

Have you heard about the new car designed by the Jews? It stops on a dime and then picks it up.

What do u call four Mexicans in quicksand? Cuatro cinco.

How many irish does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two! One to hold it in place and the other to drink intill the room spins.

Did you hear about the two car pile up in Mexico? 200 Mexicans died.

How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just sit in the dark and bitch.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb.

What do fags call their balls? "Mud flaps"

What happens when you stick your hand in a bowl full of black jelly beans? You get your watch stolen.

What's long and hard on a black man? The first grade.

Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box? She sat on Pinocchio' s face and said "lie to me!"

What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury dough boy? A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altar boy.

What do you do when your dishwasher doesn't work? Slap her.

What do you call a gay guy in a sleeping bag? A fruit roll up.

If a black guy, a Mexican, and a redneck are all in a car together, who's driving? The police.

What do priests and Santa Claus have in common? They both leave little boy's rooms with empty sacks.

What do you call a redneck with two sheep? A pimp.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST, ONE FOR kINKLU AND MYSELF

How many times does a redneck laugh at a joke? Three times: Once when it's told, once when it's explained, and once when he finally gets it.

Juniper

19th November 2013, 09:50

Frank was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting, do you ?"

Juniper

19th November 2013, 09:53

The creative writing class at my school is writing children's books. This is a list the teacher made of books not to write.

http://i.imgur.com/FKwkZMH.jpg

Juniper

19th November 2013, 09:55

A man escapes from a prison where he’s
been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he
finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying
the wife to the bed, the convict
gets on top of her, kisses her
neck..., then gets up and goes into the
bathroom
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen,
this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He’probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman
in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,
don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy
him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously
very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong,
honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck.He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love
you,too.”

Juniper

19th November 2013, 09:58

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.

Juniper

20th November 2013, 14:43

Superman is on his way to a large reunion of superheroes being
held in Miami Beach. He arrives two hours late; his
clothes are a mess and he has definitely been in a fight. As he
approaches his table, his good friend Batman yells, "Hey, Man of Steel,
what happened to you?"
"Well, this is gonna sound crazy, but I was zipping along the
coastline, making great time, when suddenly I look down and there, lying
naked on the Jacksonville beach, was Wonder Woman!"
"Wow!" says Robin. "What did you do?"
"What do you think I did, kid? Her legs were spread, so I figured I
was in like Flynn. I dove down like an eagle and jumped her bones!"
"Boy, I bet she was surprised," said Batman.
Superman smiles weakly and says, "Yeah, she was; but not as
surprised as the Invisible Man was."

.................................................. .

Dracula goes to Rome and checks into the Grand Italia Hotel.
The bellhop, after bringing in his coffin, asks if there is anything he
can do for him. Dracula says, "Yes, there is," and lunges for the boy's
throat. After draining the blood from him, Dracula throws the bellhop's
lifeless body out his bedroom window. The body lands on a policeman
stationed in front of the
hotel. The impact sends the policeman sprawling to the ground.
Meanwhile, Dracula still has not satisfied his bloodlust, so he goes
into the hotel's hallway and grabs a chambermaid. When finished with
her, he throws her drained body out the same window. This body, too,
lands on the unfortunate policeman, who has just managed to dust himself
off after the first assault. This time, however, he was knocked cold.
A half hour later the police commissioner arrives on the scene and
manages to get the unconscious officer back to his senses. "Officer
Vetillo, can you explain what is going on here?" the commissioner asks as
he looks at the dead drained bodies on the ground.
"I don't honestly know, sir. All I know is that drained wops keep
falling on my head."

...............................................

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor.
"Do you do custom work?" she asks the artist.
"Why of course!"
"Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my
right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left
thigh. And I want them both looking at my pussy."
"No problem," says the artist. "Strip from the waist down
and get up on the table."
After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits
up and examines the tattoos.
"That doesn't look like them!" she complains loudly.
"Oh yes it does," the artist says indignantly, "and I can prove it."
With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street
he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks, spreading her legs apart.
"Do you know who these men are?"
The drunks studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says,
"I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the
middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"

Juniper

20th November 2013, 16:01

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.

The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka
that he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly."

She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink
until the sun comes up.

Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will
drink vodka.

She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

Juniper

25th November 2013, 05:49

One day Connie was talking to one of her friends about her husband's drinking habits. "Every night it's the same thing. Bob comes home drunk at 3am, slams the door, pukes in the sink and then comes to bed. I can't stand it! I wish I knew what to do."

Her friend says "You know my husband used to do the same thing. Then one night I skinned a dead cat and left it in the sink. When he came home he thought he puked up his guts and it scared him out of ever drinking again."

So Connie decides to try it. She finds a dead cat, skins it, throws it in the sink, goes to bed, and waits for Bob. At 3am she hears the door slam, retching, and then her husband's horrified "OH NO!!"

A little while later Bob shuffles into the bedroom, pale and shaking. Connie asks him what's wrong. He tells her "I came home drunk and puked up my guts... But by the grace of god and the help of my spoon, they're back in again!"

Juniper

25th November 2013, 12:46

I've never seen child porn but I presume it's quite cute..

A kid dressed as a plumber with a fake mustache would make me go, "Awww".

avgas

25th November 2013, 15:14

Looking at the local supermarket I noticed everything was "grain fed". Turns out only the pigs were free-range. Don't worry they only shoot the blacks.

In the battle of Gettysburg, Nurses from all over the country came to help. Turns out there is a misinterpretation of the telegraph message. "Gettysburg, assistance needed for 1000's of stiffs".
To make the situation worse - the last ones to come to the party was tall Lincoln and a big, black man. Also the camera didn't work properly either.

Superboss

25th November 2013, 16:54

Looking at the local supermarket I noticed everything was "grain fed". Turns out only the pigs were free-range. Don't worry they only shoot the blacks.

In the battle of Gettysburg, Nurses from all over the country came to help. Turns out there is a misinterpretation of the telegraph message. "Gettysburg, assistance needed for 1000's of stiffs".

To make the situation worse - the last ones to come to the party was tall Lincoln and a big, black man. Also the camera didn't work properly either.

The first and last joke makes no sense at all. Don't think you copied all the text or something lol

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk - now Free (http://tapatalk.com/m?id=1)

Juniper

26th November 2013, 10:23

A man walks into a brothel and asks for a mean woman, one who can take abuse and pain. The madam assures him she can fill his need with a blonde, brunette or redhead. He said "send me a blonde." A blonde comes to his room and he slaps her real hard. She runs from the room crying in pain. "Send me a brunette" he screams at the madam, "I need a mean woman!" In comes the brunette who takes the slap easily, so he reaches up under her skirt and yanks on her pubic hair so hard she cries in agony and runs out of the room. He screams at the madam to send her meanest redhead to his room. Red walks in apologizing and assuring him that she can do the job. He slaps her and all she does is smile. He twists the shit out her nipple and she winks at him & asks for more. He yanks on her pubic hair and she blows him a kiss. He says "You're the one for me, get naked and jump in bed. I'll be right back with a six pack and we'll have some fun." He returns to find her naked and bent over holding her ankles in the middle of the room. "What's this shit? I told you to get naked and get in bed!"
She replies, looking over her shoulder at him, "You want to open those bottles, don't you?"

Juniper

26th November 2013, 10:28

Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan?
A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
A: "Olive or twist?"
Q: What did the bartender say after a book walked into the bar?
A: "Please, no stories!"
Q. Why did God invent Jameson whiskey?
A. So the Irish would never rule the world!
Q: What do Russians get when mixing Holy Water with Vodka?
A: The Holy Spirit!
Q: What did the man with slab of asphalt under his arm order? A: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Q: You know what's fun about being sober?
A: Nothing.
Q: Why did Mexicans create tequila?
A: So ugly people would have a chance at having sex!
Q: What do you get when you mix English class with alcohol?
A: Tequila Mockingbird
Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Q: How many men does it take to open a Budweiser bottle?
A: none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Q: How can you find the guy who drank a case of Coors Light?
A: He's the one dancing like an asshole!
Q: How do you know a man is really really gay?
A: When he's nursing a Bacardi Breezer!
Q: What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Jack Daniels?
A: A guy will actually SEARCH for a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Q: Why does Corona go through your system so fast?
A: Because it does not have to stop to change color
Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? A: The sofa doesn't keep asking for Bud Light!

Juniper

28th November 2013, 05:32

1. If you refine heroin for a living,
but you have a moral objection to liquor,
You may be a Muslim.
2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher,
but you can't afford shoes,
You may be a Muslim.
3. If you have more wives than teeth,
You may be a Muslim.
4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand
but consider bacon to be unclean,
You may be a Muslim.
5. If you think vests come in two styles:
Bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. If you can't think of anyone
you haven't declared jihad against,
You may be a Muslim.
7. If you consider television dangerous
but routinely carry explosives in your clothing,
You may be a Muslim.
8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones
have uses other than setting off roadside bombs,
You may be a Muslim.
9. If you have nothing against women
and think every man should own at least four,
You may be a Muslim.
10. If you find this offensive and don't forward it,
You may be a Muslim.

Juniper

28th November 2013, 05:38

This guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets aquatinted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, “What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?”, to which the other replies, “Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your cock in the side with the hole.”

Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!

After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. “That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!”

To which the other crew member replies, “Yeah, you can every day except Thursday.” Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, “Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday.”

Juniper

28th November 2013, 09:40

A boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, “Sweetie, why don’t you give me a blowjob?” “What? You’re crazy!” “Don’t worry, it will be quick, no problem…” “No! Someone may see - a relative, a neighbor…” “At this time of the night no one will show up.” “I’ve already said NO, and NO.” “Honey, it’s just a small blowie… I know you like it too.” “NO!!! I’ve said NO!!!” “My love… don’t be like that..” At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says, “Dad told you to blow, or that I must blow, or he will come down and blow himself, but for Christ’s sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom.”

Banditbandit

28th November 2013, 13:43

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating

He said, "What are you doing father?"

"It's called masturbating” the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon.."

"Why father ?" he asked

"Because my wrist is killing me” the priest replied

husaberg

28th November 2013, 21:17

http://files.sharenator.com/random_funny_pictures_1-s550x782-200989.jpg

Juniper

29th November 2013, 06:55

It's not rape if they can't say "No"

Drew

29th November 2013, 07:07

"Wanna play rape"?

"NO"!

"That's the spirit".

Stirts

29th November 2013, 07:17

I don't believe Madonna was raped for a second.

You can't rape someone that's constantly gagging for it.

husaberg

29th November 2013, 15:33

"Wanna play rape"?

"NO"!

"That's the spirit".

http://files.sharenator.com/steal_30_aroused_Random_funny_pics-s500x384-157648-580.jpg

It's not rape if they can't say "No"
Ass esp if they said mmmmmm......(June made me ost it)
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_W4XE-GrxXK0/S85pemaHEiI/AAAAAAAABDs/1NBQc9H7Cwg/s1600/129149282208834198.jpg

I don't believe Madonna was raped for a second.

You can't rape someone that's constantly gagging for it.

http://doblelol.com/uploads/6/funny-random-sayings.jpg

Kornholio

29th November 2013, 21:04

'Prevent Rape, just say Yes'

husaberg

30th November 2013, 18:02

not the place or maybe it is...

"Louis Kasibante, 24, a resident of Kikawula Zone in Lugazi, was arrested on october 18, 2010 after he shattered one Mutumba's ass. Mutumba told police that Kasibante would joking touch his Luzinda-like buns(?). 'At first, I thought he was being a bully until he told me that he fancied downloading his sperms in my butt,' Mutumba told detectives at Kikawula Police Station. Mutumba further revealed that when he turned down Kasibante's request, he ganged up with his colleagues, Isaac Kigongo and yasin Ssali who forced their anaconda-like whoppers in his bum."

husaberg

1st December 2013, 19:09

I think it was Nodog posted it a nearly wee'd myself.(top)
Does that make me a bad person (or is it all the other stuff combined that does)
http://messageinabottleblog.files.wordpress.com/2013/07/favorite_sex_position_wow_your_mom_flipped_over.jp g
http://www2.dallasdancemusic.com/photos/data/500/poster50855253.jpg

Juniper

3rd December 2013, 08:30

The morning after Christmas, two brothers are in front of the tree. One says to the other "So what did you get?"

His brother replies "I got a PSP, a bike, four model cars, ten action figures, the new playstation 3, 10 games for it, and loads of cool t-shirts and clothes. And you?"

"I got a pair of socks and a spiderman toy."

"Is that it?"

"Well yeah, but I don't have leukemia.

MSTRS

3rd December 2013, 14:34

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them "I must tell you something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent". "Thank God" says an elderly nun in the back. "I am so tired of chardonnay".

Juniper

3rd December 2013, 16:50

One day a man went on a buissness trip to Florida.

He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?"

The hooker replied "100 Bucks"

The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money"

So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs."

So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.

The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a head job?"

She said "200 dollars"

"200 dollars that's a lot of money"

She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yacht by the pier, I paid for that yacht by giving head jobs."

So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life

On hist last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package."

"1000 dollars'

"1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money"

So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if i had a pussy."

Juniper

3rd December 2013, 16:54

Bob walks into a bar and there's a sign that says "cheese sandwiches $2, hand jobs $20" and behind the bar is a gorgeous woman. He asks "hey, are you the one that gives the hand jobs?". She gives him a sexy smile and answers "Sure thing honey. Something you want?". Bob says "yeah, go wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich"

husaberg

4th December 2013, 00:56

http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/hey-i-just-met-you-and-this-is-crazy-but-im-a-dingo-and-i-ate-your-baby.jpg

Juniper

4th December 2013, 07:20

Why is Tylenol white? It works.

Why do Jews have big noses? Because air is free.

What's a homeless woman use for a vibrator? Two flies in a bottle.

Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver? She was a woman

Do you wanna hear a joke? Women's Rights.

What's the new definition for mass confusion? Fathers day in Harlem.

Why shouldn't women have driver's licenses? There's no roads between the kitchen and the bedroom.

What do you call a Mexican with a sunburn? A REFRIED BEAN

What do you call a white Orgy? A snowball
What do you call a Black Orgy? Mud Wrestling
What do you call a Mexican Orgy? FAMILY REUNION!

What's the difference between a Jew and a Canoe? A canoe tips

What do 3 million abused women do wrong every year? They don't fucking listen

What's the worst thing about eating vegetables? Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.

How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin.

What do you call a bunch of white guys running down a hill? An avalanche.
What do you call a bunch of black guys running down a hill? A mudslide
What do you call a bunch of mexicans running down a hill? A jailbreak

Juniper

4th December 2013, 07:21

Google have banned 200 terms from their search engine in a bid to combat child porn..

These terms include, BBC, Priests, and Thailand, Scouts....

Juniper

6th December 2013, 05:26

Dirty Johnny climbs onto Santa’s lap at the department store. Santa says, “I’ll bet I know what you want for Christmas.” And with his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells, “T-O-Y-S.”

The little boy answers, “No, I have enough toys.”

Santa tries again, tapping Johnny’s nose with every letter, “C-A-N-D-Y.”

Again, Johnny says, “No, I have all kinds of candy.”

“Well, what would you like for Christmas?” Santa asks.

Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose, “P-U-S-S-Y. And don’t tell me you don’t have any because I can smell it on your finger!”

.........................
Q: Why does Santa come down the chimney?
A: Because his pants are tight and he wriggles a lot.

.........................
A little girl climbs up on Santa’s lap, and as usual, Santa asks, “Well, little girl, what do you want for Christmas this year?”

The girl answers “Santa, I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.”

Confused, Santa asks, “Doesn’t Barbie come with Ken?”

“No, Santa. Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken.”
.......................
Did you hear that Tampax is replacing the string on tampons with a piece of tinsel? …but just for the Christmas period.

.................
Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in Italy?
A: They had the three wise guys, but they couldn’t find a virgin.

....................
Q: How does a Jew celebrate Christmas?
A: He installs a parking meter on the roof.
................

Q: How is a Catholic priest like a Christmas tree?
A: The balls are just for decoration.
.......................

Q: Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?
A: He only comes once a year.

Juniper

6th December 2013, 05:28

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy.............

"It's a puppy!

Juniper

6th December 2013, 09:18

Little Johnny is staying at his grandmother's house for the weekend with his parents. He walks into their room in the middle of the night and wakes his mother. His mother says "What is it Johnny?". Little Johnny says "Grandma has a shrimpy"! His mother looks at him puzzled. "She has a WHAT?" Johnny says "A Shrimpy!" His mother has no idea what little Johnny is talking about. His mother says "Come show me what you're talking about". Little Johnny leads his mother downstairs where his 85 year old grandmother is lying sprawled out on the sofa in her night-gown. Her gown is wide open and so are her legs. She is sound asleep. Johnny says to his mother "Look mummy, Grandma has a shrimpy". He points to her vagin. His mother laughs. "No, no, Johnny, that's not a shrimpy. That's her vagina". Little Johnny looks up at his mother and says "Wow! Sure does taste like shrimpy".

Juniper

6th December 2013, 11:09

'Nelson Mandela dies at 95'
-
Respect where it's due...
-
That's 5 miles an hour faster than Paul Walker!

Juniper

6th December 2013, 11:56

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

MSTRS

6th December 2013, 15:18

I walked into my nans bedroom and caught her sucking my grandads cock. I said "Aaarrrgh nan that's disgusting". She said "No it's not, it's perfectly normal" I said "No nan its wrong, you should have buried it with the rest of him".

GSW

7th December 2013, 19:27

Text from daughter to mum: "Hello mum need some advice. I have some of my boyfriends cum in my hair, how do I get it out, will I have to cut it out?" Mum replies: "Hi, it's nice you can send me such a frank text without feeling embarrassed, no you won't have to cut it out, I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years, it'll just wash out. Reply text from daughter: "Oh my god, I meant to spell GUM!"

Juniper

9th December 2013, 08:28

Bob went out to the bar one night and started drinking tequila. Before long, he'd downed a dozen or so shots and staggered on home.

The next day Bob returns to the same bar. He's all hungover, pale and shaky. He says to the bartender "oh man, I got so fucking drunk last night!". The bartender agrees. Bob continues "After I left here, I went home and blew chunks". The bartender says "Yeah man, I'm not surprised you puked after all that tequila".

Bob says "No, you don't get it. Chunks is my dog."

Juniper

9th December 2013, 08:28

A woman wakes up after a vaginal tuck, to find three bunches of flowers on her window sill..

One from her surgeon, to say all went well,

One from her husband, "get well soon", and he loved her,

One from little Johnny in the burns unit, to say "Thank you for the new ears"!!

Juniper

9th December 2013, 08:30

Ive just seen a bunch of dyslexic Africans.

They've been putting flowers at the door of Nissan Maindealers.

Juniper

9th December 2013, 08:30

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases - each like a different type of tree. In his twenties, he is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration!!!"

Juniper

9th December 2013, 08:31

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job".

She runs back and tells the guy all the gets for thirty is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE penis. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

Juniper

11th December 2013, 07:59

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to her cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone

When she bent over
Rover drove her
And gave her a bone of his own!

Juniper

11th December 2013, 08:01

Jack and Jill went up the hill
so Jack could lick Jill's fanny.
Jack got a shock
and a mouthful of cock
cause Jill's a fucking tranny.

Juniper

11th December 2013, 08:10

Unstuck, one for you:

Gatiep And Gamat were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, Gatiep And Gamat were in court, and the judge said to Gammat, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 20 people to give up drugs forever." "20 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?" (to Gatiep) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 500 people to give up drugs forever." "500 people?! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison....o and the Big Circle O is your asshole after prison..."

Juniper

13th December 2013, 08:01

Teenaged little Johnny was walking down the street and a girl approach him, "hey, wanna have a good time?"
"Sure," Johnny says and they are off to the nearest motel.
She takes off her clothes and Johnny keeps staring at her.
She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?"
Little Johnny replies, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

MSTRS

13th December 2013, 11:20

Silently I slipped the condom over my erect cock and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared in wide eyed disbelief, then breaking the nervous silence I spoke "Yes that seems to fit okay, I'll take the whole packet please"...

MSTRS

13th December 2013, 14:02

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $2 in her purse.

husaberg

14th December 2013, 15:15

https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR1HGCdMJzOFC2xMgUOAAoWceMKtMu18 ItZQZNCzM4YIA-6r20d

MSTRS

21st December 2013, 10:44

A little girl goes to see Santa Claus at the local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?" "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl. "But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says. "No... Barbie cums with GI Joe! She only fakes it with Ken..."

husaberg

21st December 2013, 10:58

Why do you have to wrap duct tape around a Guinea Pig?

So that it doesn't explode when you sodomize it. :2thumbsup

husaberg

21st December 2013, 11:13

Why don't women have any brains?

Because they don't have penises to keep them in.:innocent:

thehollowmen

24th December 2013, 11:34

Why do you have to wrap duct tape around a Guinea Pig?

So that it doesn't explode when you sodomize it. :2thumbsup

I'll just leave this here for you with a box of tissues: http://www.realhamster.com/

Juniper

10th January 2014, 13:08

And I'm back....

Two Nuns are driving along in their mini one night when suddenly a vampire lands on the car
"Quick" says the first Nun, "show it your cross"
The second Nun, slowly wound down the window, leaned out and said
"Get off the fucking bonnet mother fucker"

Juniper

10th January 2014, 13:09

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the
next day.!

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his
fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the
gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad
passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he
had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.< BR>
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came
upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate
love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing
again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the ! next day, riding in the boat when
they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or
down ?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the
river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady," Up
or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday,
every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought
the choices were fuck or drown!"

Juniper

10th January 2014, 13:10

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"

His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

Juniper

10th January 2014, 13:10

"My father-in-law made me feel really uncomfortable on a recent trip to a day spa."

"Ask some personal questions did he?"

"Nah, he slipped a finger up my arse in the jacuzzi."

Juniper

10th January 2014, 13:11

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

Juniper

10th January 2014, 13:12

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking.

Juniper

10th January 2014, 13:16

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an
erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to
the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes
the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is
that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's
the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What
have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve
some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and
grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that
again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I
can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

Juniper

13th January 2014, 09:22

A guy goes to a whorehouse and tells the madam he only wants to spend 5 bucks. The madam thinks for a bit, then says, "Betsy. She's down the hall, last door on the left."

The guy walks down, sees Betsy -- she's not the best looking, but she would do. He puts it in and it's the worst feeling he's ever had on his dick -- like sandpaper and teeth. He pulls out and tells her. "Um. something's wrong, can you do something about that?" Betsy crinkles her face, then says, "Why of course! But it will run you another five bucks." She pockets the fiver and goes to the bathroom and is back in no time.

The guy puts it back in and now, it's the complete opposite: it's the best feeling he's ever had, and finishes in a flash. Panting, he asks her, "oh my god... that felt amazing... what did you do??" Betsy smiles, and says, "for the extra five bucks, I pick the scabs."

Juniper

13th January 2014, 09:22

A man walks past girl with no arms or legs sitting by a pool.

The girl says to the man, "Excuse me sir, I've never been fucked and in my condition no one would want to fuck me. Will you please fuck me?"

So the man kicks her into the pool and says, "There, you're fucked."

husaberg

13th January 2014, 12:47

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/funny-cat-faces-7.jpg%3Fw%3D500

Juniper

16th January 2014, 14:52

What's the best part about doing a dead guy?

He's always stiff

What's the best part about doing a dead chick?

If you get bored with one hole you can always make another.

What's another best part about doing a dead chick?

She can't say no!

Smifffy

16th January 2014, 16:39

husaberg

16th January 2014, 19:41

Necrophilia -Best ever date for valentines no need to bring flowers cause she already has plenty.

Necrophilia -You can be pretty sure she can't get pregnant..

Necrophilia - putting the FUN into funeral.....

Necrophilia-putting the 'mating' into cremating.

Necrophilia - putting the rot in erotic .

Necrophilia - Thinking inside the box.

Necrophilia- Better late than never.

Necrophilia. I dig it.

Necrophilia isn't rape, it's recycling.

Necrophilia is dead boring....Try incest, it's only relatively boring.

Necrophilia: where pulling the plug is considered foreplay.

At what point does CPR become Necrophilia? Probably when you stick your cock in.

Remember - It's not Necrophilia if she's on life support!

Lastly a little Necrophilia never killed anyone.

Juniper

17th January 2014, 08:10

How can you tell an Italian woman and a walrus apart?
.
.
.
One is fat, has a mustache and smells like fish and the other is a walrus.

Juniper

17th January 2014, 08:12

I see dead people:shit: .............. Oh yeah.. :yeah:

Lol I wuv you Husaberg!

Banditbandit

17th January 2014, 12:33

Jeez .. are fucking dead people your only humour ????

MSTRS

17th January 2014, 15:19

I was given some really good financial news today. The little black orphan I was sponsoring in Africa has been eaten by a lion.

husaberg

17th January 2014, 16:36

Jeez .. are fucking dead people your only humour ????

Its almost like you think necrophilia is not funny or something wtf.... I suggest you harden up before rigor mortis sets in.....:bleh:
Don't worry we will move on to beastility then seeing you feel the necrophilia angle is like flogging a dead horse......

Victum-Superum

17th January 2014, 16:57

Best thing about fuckin' a 90 year old woman?

Getting a free titty-wank at the same time

GSW

17th January 2014, 21:18

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself. He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will KILL me". His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a hard time. "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket".

She looks in his breast pocket and says "But this is forty dollars...?" "Ah, yes" says the man. "He shit in my trousers too..."

husaberg

18th January 2014, 14:15

10 carrots acting

Juniper

20th January 2014, 10:20

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she

caspernz

20th January 2014, 11:59

A blonde, brunette and a redhead get into the elevator of a 24 storey apartment block.

The brunette points to a suspicious looking wet stain on the elevator floor and says: "That looks like spunk!"

The redhead leans down and sniffs it, then says: "Yeah that smells like spunk."

Finally the blonde dips her finger in the wet spot, then announces: "Yes it's spunk, but not from anyone in this building."

Juniper

21st January 2014, 08:53

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everyone at the party, a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

Juniper

21st January 2014, 08:53

Why did Hitler commit suicide ?

He saw the gas bill

Juniper

21st January 2014, 08:54

A Muslim walks into a bar......

No one survived the blast.

Juniper

21st January 2014, 08:54

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip!

Juniper

21st January 2014, 08:59

A man walks into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouts "Who's been ******g my wife?"
A voice in the back shouts " You don't have enough bullets!"

My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive. Apparently the response of
"Don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.

A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore bum. He goes to the shop and says to the shopkeeper
"Nah then, lad, does tha' sell arse cream?"
The shopkeeper replies " Aye lad we do, does tha' want a Magnum or a Cornetto?"

My wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said "I feel like jumping
in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help". So I sent her a timetable.

I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else. My mate Dan is brilliant.
He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance
about it?. Does he hell!

husaberg

22nd January 2014, 18:14

The sick list don't say i haven't warned you not to read it.

In no particular order

My favorite 3 scenes in The Shining to masturbate to.
My favorite Scriptures to read aloud while teabagging a retarded girl.
Women with the worst smelling pussies, in order of ethnicity.
Trinkets I own made out of gorilla hands.
The 7 largest objects I've ever hidden in my asshole.
Freudian slips I've had around burn victims.
Women I've seen in snuff films that reminded me of Nicole Kidman.
Speech impediments I've tolerated during phone sex.
Embarrassing remarks that have been made regarding my genitals warts.
People I've made up AIDS rumors about, in order of how badly it ruined their lives.
The 8 most disfigured people I ever beat up to impress a girl.
Inappropriate times I've screamed, "Cunt!" at my grandmother. .
Altzeimer patients I've bilked out of their life savings by posing as a relative.
Rectal itch creams I've received on my birthday, in order of effectiveness.
25 autistics I think are faking it.
Best selling poems I've written about clitoral circumcision.
The 3 foulest fluids ever dripped on me by a prostitute.
Dates I've had that wound up going to trial, in order of how badly they were asking for it.
10 things I’ve done while babysitting that could me misconstrued.
Under aged girls I’ve had erection difficulties with.
Parasites I’ve caught nesting in my pubic hair.
Relatives I’ve gotten erections with while slow dancing.
(http://jjjj)

husaberg

22nd January 2014, 18:15

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

And the guy says "Oh, no: I never found her head."

Juniper

23rd January 2014, 08:52

I joined a dating agency the other day. It asked me what I liked most, and I replied,".Girls from page 3".

I wondered why,I had no replies, until I noticed the letter"P" wasn't working on my fucking keyboard!

Juniper

23rd January 2014, 08:54

A young women goes to the hospital to have her baby. No husband or boyfriend is present. The woman has her baby and then the nurse comes in and says I must warn you your baby is black. The woman says "Well I was in desprate need for money and there was a porno and the guy was black." The nurse quickly apologizes and says it was none of my business. The woman didnt seem to mind. The nurse says just so you know the baby has slanted eyes. The woman says "They told me for more money that there was a chinese guy too and she needed the money." The nurse brings the woman her baby and the mother turns the baby over and slaps its bottom so hard it started to cry. The nurse yelled "What the hell are you doing?" The woman looks the nurse square in the eyes and says "I wanted to make sure it didn't bark too."

husaberg

23rd January 2014, 16:37

There once was a male model who had everything a man could ever want.
money, fame, fast cars, women, well lots of women, lots of young women of all shapes and sizes, virgins, sluts, whores, you name it.he was the man. Then one day he thought to himself "hey, its kinda getting boring
with all the same old crap"! "especially all these hot chicks". so what the guy desides to do is, pick up the ugliest, oldest, wierdest, grossest, most god awful woman he could find and give her the time of her life.

so the guy goes from bar to bar to bar looking for the right woman. but he just cant seem to find her. so he calls it a night and makes his way to the front door of the bar, when he catches a whiff of something that smells like spoiled tuna on fresh sh!t. then she walks in, an 87 year old barfly who would do anything for a dollar. the man almost throws up but manages to say to himelf "thats the one!" well the guy takes her to his house wines her and dines her and one thing leads to another and next thing you know, their totally naked on the floor. making hot sweaty skin slapping sounds. and he proceeds to fondle, kiss, and suck on her breasts. and while he's doing that, a warm sweet liquid comes out of her boob. he instantly pulls back and screams "hey lady, arent you a little old to have breast milk"?
and she replies "YES, but not too old to have breast cancer"!

husaberg

23rd January 2014, 16:39

What's brown and sticky?

a stick!

Smifffy

23rd January 2014, 17:28

What's brown and sticky?

a stick!

OT! It's sickest jokes, not stickist jokes.

husaberg

23rd January 2014, 20:53

How many dead hookers can I fit in a fridge? If I take out the shelves, one more.

husaberg

23rd January 2014, 20:56

I'm not the first doctor to sleep with his patients, but in the other hand i'm a vet..

husaberg

23rd January 2014, 20:59

"Have you got a girlfriend yet? - No dad -
Do you think you'll ever get one? - never
- are you gay?
- fuck off with your lesbian fantasies!"

husaberg

23rd January 2014, 20:59

What's the difference between a Porsche and a hooker? I don't have a chopped up Porsche in my basement.

husaberg

23rd January 2014, 21:03

I was eating out this girl when I tasted some chlamydiae and so I asked, "is that how you died grandma?"

husaberg

23rd January 2014, 21:12

How did Hellen Keller lose her virginity?

Her parents left a plunger in the toilet.

husaberg

23rd January 2014, 21:13

How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an alter boy.

husaberg

23rd January 2014, 21:16

knock, knock. whos there? not patrick swayze... hes dead

husaberg

23rd January 2014, 21:22

A grandson runs up to his grandfather and asks him if he can talk like a frog.

"Of course not," says the grandfather. A few minutes later, his granddaughter asks him the same question.

"No, of course not. Why are you both asking me this?"

The granddaughter replies, "Dad said that when you croak, we can go to Disneyland."

Juniper

23rd January 2014, 21:32

Lol loving them!

husaberg

23rd January 2014, 21:36

Lol loving them!

Careful Bandits already onto us ......

Juniper

23rd January 2014, 21:43

Careful Bandits already onto us ......

Oh nooos what are they going to do with us??

:p

husaberg

23rd January 2014, 22:02

Oh nooos what are they going to do with us??

:p
I would say lock us up....... but then the people will just think i am doing bondage jokes again.......
Regardless the Chickens a dealbreaker........

Laava

24th January 2014, 06:36

What is worse than getting your keys stuck inside your car outside an abortion clinic?
Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.

How are an alcoholic and a necrophiliac alike? They both like to crack open a cold one

A black third grader goes to his mom and asks, 'Mom, I have the biggest dick in the third grade. Is that because I'm black?' And she responds, 'no nigggar it's because you're nineteen!'

I used to tell this one about Jonestown, but the punch line was too long

What do you get when you cross the queen and prince Charles?
Murdered in a tunnel

Whats princess Diana's favorite hat? A bonnet.

So I asked my North Korean friend how his life was going.
He said "can't complain".

I have no respect for pedophiles, they're fucking immature arseholes

A man in a van stops little Johnny who's walking down street and says, "Hey little boy, I'll give you a piece of candy if you come in my van". Little Johnny says, " How about you give me the whole bag and I'll come on your face!"

I was sitting on the train today next to a hot thai girl thinking to myself don't get an erection, don't get an erection. And she did.

A girl said to me earlier, "You've got the body of a God, shame it's Buddha!"
I replied, "You've got a face like a princess, shame it's Diana's."

A plane is falling out of the sky. A female passenger jumps up out of her seat, tears off her clothes and exclaims, "Is there anyone man enough on this plane to make me feel like a real woman before I die?" A man across the aisle stands up, hurriedly unbuttoning his shirt. He gets it off and throws it at the woman and says "iron this"

Iron Man is a superhero.
Iron Woman is a command.

A boy found a magic lamp on the side of the road. As he rubbed the lamp a genie appeared. The genie told him he gets one wish.
The boy thinks about it. "I want to be Batman"
The genie kills the boys parents.

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

A priest, pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar. He orders a drink.

A naive new priest gets his first assignment at a church in a small town that also has a convent. The first time he walks into town, a woman says to him, "$10 for a blowjob." Having led a very sheltered life, he does not understand what this means, so he declines and goes on his way. When he gets back to the church, he timidly asks one of the nuns: "Sister, erm, uh, what is a blowjob?" She replies, "10 bucks, same as in town!"

Juniper

24th January 2014, 07:09

Whats the best part of fucking 29 year olds?

Juniper

24th January 2014, 07:10

I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, "Please, think of my children!" Kinky bitch.

Juniper

24th January 2014, 08:51

What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

Virago

24th January 2014, 18:06

Whats the best part of fucking 29 year olds?

I dunno. What?

husaberg

24th January 2014, 18:08

Whats the best part of fucking 29 year olds?

I dunno. What?

.... there's 20 of them.........

T.W.R

24th January 2014, 18:12

.... there's 20 of them.........

good one Michael :nya:

Juniper

28th January 2014, 08:10

What does a girl from Otara say after she looses her virginity?

Get off me Dad, you're crushing my cigarettes.

Juniper

28th January 2014, 08:11

What's long, brown and smells like shit?

The unemployment line.

Juniper

28th January 2014, 08:11

What's bloodier than a 12 inch cock coming out of a girls virgin asshole?

The Knife in her chest

Juniper

28th January 2014, 08:12

A cannibal walks into the clearing his tribe uses for a toilet. He sees his best friend having a shit and crying his eyes out.
"What's wrong with you?" he asks.
His pal looks up at him with watery eyes and asys "I've just dumped my girlfriend."

Juniper

28th January 2014, 08:13

Why do porch monkeys always have red eyes and puckered lips?

It's the mace.

Juniper

28th January 2014, 08:13

How do you stop a nigger from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

Juniper

28th January 2014, 08:14

Young Susan asks her dad if she can borrow the car.
DAD: "Only if you suck my cock, Susan. You know the rules..."
Susan sighs and drops to her knees. Dad whips his unit out and she plants her lips around it. Instantly she recoils in disgust.
SUSAN: "Eeeeewwwww! It tastes like shit!"
DAD: " Yeah, your brother wanted to borrow twenty bucks..."

Juniper

28th January 2014, 08:14

Can ya tell your momma to quit changing her lipstick, 'case my dick is starting to look like a rainbow!

Juniper

28th January 2014, 08:14

You know who hates sex?

The 10 year old locked in the trunk of my car

Juniper

28th January 2014, 08:25

Why did God put a woman's cunt and asshole so close together? So when they're passed out drunk you can bend them over and carry them home like a six pack.

Juniper

28th January 2014, 08:25

A soon to be mother is in the delivery room. Everyone is excited but tired, she has been in labor for several hours now.

When finally, after what seems like days, the beautiful baby arrives! The doctor cuts the cord, and slaps the baby's bottom... then a second time hard enough to jar his own teeth!

Shocked, the mother yells at him! "That's MY BABY, don't do that"

Ignoring the new mother, the doctor swings the baby by the legs into the wall and then the table! The Delivery room attendants are shocked. The mother is screaming "STOP! STOP! you sick BASTARD! you are going to hurt my baby!"

The doctor stops and looks up at her.

Can't you take a joke? It's already dead....

Juniper

28th January 2014, 08:26

An elementary school teacher, a lawyer, a Catholic priest and three young boys are on a plane with only three parachutes.

Engines explode, the plane starts going down.

The teacher says, 'Save the children!'

The lawyer yells, 'FUCK THE CHILDREN!'

The Catholic priest looks around and whispers, 'Is there time?'

Juniper

28th January 2014, 08:27

Best Pickup Line Ever

Damn baby are you Jewish? Because you're body is on fire!
;-)

Juniper

28th January 2014, 08:52

It's ages since I've had a good wank over Nan, the way she used to dress for me in that negligee and then mop it off her floppy tits with tissues.

I still do it, but it's just not the same wiping the urn.

cheviot

28th January 2014, 18:37

While Justin Bieber was in jail he wrote "free JB' on the cell was.

It was then he found out his cell mate was dyslexic.

Juniper

29th January 2014, 10:23

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front
door of a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across
the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk,
"Dooo youuuu have dilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes
we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,
tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...
aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do.."
"Dddooo yyoouu kknnnooww hhhoww ttooo ttturrrnn iittt offff?"

Juniper

29th January 2014, 10:23

jock takes his wife to casualty. her teeth are missing, her lips and gums are bleeding, her nose is broken, she's got two black eyes, one ear is hanging off and big tufts of hair missing. the doctor says " what has happened to your wife?". Jock replies "going through the change". The doctor says " That doesn't happen when a woman goes through the change" and Jock replies "It does when its my fucking coat pocket!!"

Juniper

29th January 2014, 10:26

A Labrador, an Alsatian and a Great Dane were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The Alsatian turned to the Labrador and said "So why are you here?" The Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything… the sofa, the curtains, the hamster, the kids. But I went too far last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The Great Dane said, "So what’s the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off" came the sorrowful reply from the Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Lab then turned to the Alsatian and asked "So why are you here?" The Alsatian said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch yesterday and they said that was the last straw." "So what are they going to do to you?" the Lab enquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Alsatian said.

The Alsatian then asked the Great Dane, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away." The Alsatian and the Lab exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?" The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped."

cheviot

29th January 2014, 21:49

The true definition of irony has to be on international holocaust remembrance day and they're forecasting showers.

nadroj

30th January 2014, 06:32

After getting sent to jail,i spent the next hour being held face down over a table,and getting violently fucked up the arse....Sometimes, i think my Uncle Brian takes Monopoly a bit to fuckin seriously!!

Juniper

30th January 2014, 07:40

Where do you find 'syphillis' in the dictionary? Between 'shit' and 'sympathy'

What's yellow and green and eats nuts? Gonnerrhea .

What's the difference between oral and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week.

Juniper

30th January 2014, 07:41

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q: what's green and kinky?
A: Kermit the flog.

Juniper

30th January 2014, 07:41

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: One stops sucking when you slap it.

Juniper

30th January 2014, 07:41

Q: What?s the difference between a Catholic Priest and acne?
A: Acne doesn't come on a boys face until after he's thirteen.

Juniper

30th January 2014, 07:42

Little Johnny is sitting in class and the teacher asks this question "if theres four crows sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Little Johnny thinks for a moment and says "None". The teacher looks at him, puzzled and says "Could you explain?" Little Johnny says "Well, if you shot one of them, the other three will fly away". The teacher says "Well, thats not the answer i was expecting, but i like the way you think".

Then little Johnny says, "Alright, now I have a question for you". Teacher says "OK" and Johnny says "There's three women sitting on a bench, all are eating popsicles, one is licking it, one is biting it, and the third is sucking it. Which one is married?". The teacher thinks for a moment then replies "My guess would be the one thats sucking it". Little Johnny says, "Thats not the answer i was expecting, but i like the way you think"...

Juniper

30th January 2014, 07:42

Whats the similarity between a used condom and the Herald of Free Enterprise? (younger readers will have to Google that one..)

They're both roll-on, roll-off; they're both full of dead se(a)men; and if there's a hole in the end, you're fucked...

Juniper

30th January 2014, 07:43

What is the definition of indefinitely?
Well, when your balls are slapping against the back of her ass, I'd say
you're in definitely.

Juniper

30th January 2014, 07:43

What's the worst part of being a black Jew?

You have to sit in the back of the oven

GSW

30th January 2014, 19:29

A girl and a boy were at the back of the movie theatre, kissing passionately.
When they come up for air, the boy says "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum".
The girl replies "It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis".

Berries

30th January 2014, 19:53

Don't worry we will move on to beastility .....
Is that tickling animals or something?

GSW

31st January 2014, 05:52

I got into an embarrassing situation at a swinger's party last night. I was fucking some absolute slag from behind when I looked up and realised that the guy at the other end of the spit-roast, getting a blowjob, was my dad. I said "After 30 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum". He said "I'm not..."

Juniper

2nd February 2014, 08:04

Q: What is the leading cause in death with lesbians?
A: Hair balls.

Q: How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive

Q: What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
A: Come in five flavors

Q: What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
A: Crust

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork

Q: How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
A: If your girlfriend chews before swallowing

Q: What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough
Boy together?
A: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection

Q: How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
A: By sticking your finger in his honey

Q: What is the ultimate rejection?
A: When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep

Q: What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
A: I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.

Q: What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
A: Both can smell it but can't eat it

Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handle bars

Q: What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
A: A mobile sperm bank.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?
A: All you can eat for under a buck.

Q: What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?
A: A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone

Q. What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?
A. A guy will take twenty minutes to look for a golf ball.

Q: How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an
orgasm?
A: Call her and tell her where you are.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on.

Q: What's the difference between dark and hard?
A: It stays dark all night.

Q: What's the difference between a BONUS and a PENIS?
A: Your wife will blow your bonus.

Q: What's the difference between a wife and a job?
A: After 20 years, the job STILL sucks.

Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

Q: How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A: A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q: What is Rodeo Sex?
A: Well, it's where your wife is on all fours, you are firmly
ensconced from the rear with a breast in each hand, and you
say to her: "This is the way your sister likes it too."
You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle.

Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks
in, what do you have?
A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.

Q: Why do married men like blowjobs so much?
A: 15 minutes of silence.

Juniper

2nd February 2014, 08:07

A little boy's first day in school and a teacher was going to play a "guessing" game. She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received. When it was the new boy, Johnny's turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss. She asked " Do you know what it is?" Johnny replied "No." The teacher said, "Go ahead and open it up and taste it." Little Johnny did so. The teacher then asked, "Now do you know what it is?" Little Johnny said "Noooo." The teacher said, "I'll give you a hint....it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work." A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams.

"JOHNNY, SPIT IT OUT..........IT'S A PIECE OF ASS!"
==========

A husband walks out of the bathroom naked, and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, “I have a headache.”

“Perfect.” her husband said. “I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with asprin. You can take it orally or as a suppository. It’s up to you!”
===========
A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, “How much?”

He doesn’t hear her correctly and says “Come again?”

She giggles and says “No…it’s just mustard this time.”
===========
what do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A cold, wet nose
=============
The doctor tells the man: “You need to stop masturbating,” The man asks, “Why?” The doctor replies, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

Juniper

2nd February 2014, 08:10

A girl goes for her gynecology exam and the Dr. says he has this new type of exam it's called the numbanator. The girl asks " How is it done?" The Dr. says " well first you get in the gown' then you lay on the table and put your feet in the stirrups , I lift up the gown and go num num num"

MSTRS

2nd February 2014, 12:12

Virago

2nd February 2014, 12:55

MSTRS

2nd February 2014, 15:16

Lol - a new record - repost after only four posts...:lol:

Ah, come on. It was 2 days ago...

sil3nt

2nd February 2014, 15:58

Now we all know what website you lot check every Friday :whistle:

Berries

2nd February 2014, 17:28

Junipers blog?

husaberg

2nd February 2014, 17:36

Junipers blog?

Junipers "Blog" now that sounds dirty........what is a blog........is it a verb or a noun?

Akzle

2nd February 2014, 17:48

Junipers "Blog" now that sounds dirty........what is a blog........is it a verb or a noun?

i would totally verb the expletive out of her adjective noun...

husaberg

2nd February 2014, 19:17

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.
Liberian says f-off how do we know we are going to get the book back

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask which period it came from.

I can't stand pedophiles.
Fucking immature assholes.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
He wiped his ass.

What does your first car and anal sex have in common?
You don't want it but your dad gives it to you anyway.

I used to be a necrophiliac..
but then that rotten cunt split on me.

Say what you want about pedophiles.......
at least they drive slowly in school zones.

So I was eating this woman out once and I tasted horse semen, so I think to myself so that's how you died grandma. (my fav)

I hate rape jokes, they always feel so forced.

"Contrary to popular belief, tears aren't the best lubricant for anal sex...blood is" -Jimmy Carr

What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? You can't milk a cow for 11 years straight.

Is it poor form to tell an AIDS patient to stay positive?

How does Batman's mom call him for dinner?

She doesn't.

Knock Knock!

Who's there?

9/11.

9/11 who?

You said you would never forget.

What do you do when your daughter tells you she was raped by Batman?
Switch to the Spiderman costume.

I was breaking up with my Japanese girlfriend, and she just didn't seem to get it.
It was like I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.

What's the best thing about fucking a 13 year old girl in the shower?

If you slick back her hair she looks like a 10 year old boy.

What's the hardest part about having sex with your sister? Getting her out of the crib.

What's the difference between oral and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your "whole week"

matrox02

3rd February 2014, 13:40

I must say.. this is really bad, Exactly what i expected from the title "whats your sickest joke" Not complaingin, alot of its funny, but a lot is just disturbing

slofox

3rd February 2014, 16:05

I must say.. this is really bad, Exactly what i expected from the title "whats your sickest joke" Not complaingin, alot of its funny, but a lot is just disturbing

You may, of course, exercise your option of not looking in the thread...

husaberg

3rd February 2014, 16:50

I must say.. this is really bad, Exactly what i expected from the title "whats your sickest joke" Not complaingin, alot of its funny, but a lot is just disturbing

Yeah i know i cringe myself occasionally. then laugh as i cringe... then laugh at myself for cringing............then laugh at other people cringing.....
Making sick jokes in my opinion is a coping mechanism that is not intended to make fun of the situation. It often draws attention to a situation rather than detract.
Some of the irony and incongruity displayed in the jokes is clever on so many levels, Maybe i just like the darker side of funny.
I also enjoy double entendres.....Ok, i guess i am just plain sick.........
At some stage there should be a backlash to this politically correct diatribe that we are being forced to conform to.Maybe that is what sick jokes are?
Otherwise its all going to be all bland and beige and insurmountably boring in the future...........

Juniper

3rd February 2014, 17:57

Why take life so seriously?

husaberg

3rd February 2014, 18:03

Who Me? couldn't be.............The only thing i take seriously is your flattery.........
Shit... i view the restraining order you took out as just playing coy;)
This joke which i posted a page back ticks all the boxes for me......

So I was eating this woman out once and I tasted horse semen, so I think to myself so that's how you died grandma?

The level of shear fiendish depravity and clever hook still leaves me giggling uncontrollably.............
i guess its subversive humour?

husaberg

3rd February 2014, 20:44

I really wanted to go see the new Batman movie, but I think I'll wait for the audience to die down a bit.

One of my friends said: "Do you think maybe the victims will get to meet some of the cast?"

To which another replied: "Well they'll get to meet Heath Ledger anyway".

Holey movie-goers, Batman!

When I die I want to die in my sleep like my Grandpa not shouting and screaming like the people in his car.

So i raped a girl last night. It sucks, cause she gave me aids. How does a 7-year-old even get aids? Man, my sister hangs with the wrong crowd.

"Mummy, mummy, I don't like my little sister"

"Shut up and eat what you are given"

A boy walks into a brothel carrying a dead frog. The madam asks what he wants. He says he wants to sleep with the cheapest girl who has herpes. The madam explains that she can't let a little boy do that, but he insists and offers double the rate. So the madam hooks him up with Cheri, an older gal with herpes and missing a few teeth.

They go into the back room and do their thing. Twenty minutes later, they emerge and the boy goes to exit. The madam stops him and says she has to know why he wanted to sleep with a girl with herpes.

"Well," said the little boy, "Cheri had herpes, and she gave it to me. When I go home, I'm going to sleep with my babysitter, and give her the herpes. Then when my dad takes the babysitter home, he'll have sex with her like he always does and get it from her. Then he'll come home and have sex with my mom, and she'll get herpes. Tomorrow morning, she'll sleep with the mailman, and he'll get herpes. Then the mailman will go home and molest his son. AND THAT'S THE MOTHERFUCKER THAT KILLED MY FROG!"

A lady went to her doctor for a check-up. when asked how she got the bruises on the outside of her thighs, she explained that she got them from having sex. The doctor then told her she would have to change positions until the bruises healed. She replied "Oh doctor, I can't... my dog's breath is awful!"

Akzle

4th February 2014, 11:15

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STHpMUYeznQ

fuckin what?

husaberg

4th February 2014, 11:16

This friend of mine had a disgusted look on her face and she said "Did you know that 2 out of every 3 people live next to a pedophile"? I said, "Not me, I live next to two smoking hot 10 year olds".

What's the difference between a washing machine and an 17 year old?

I can put a load in the washing machine without following me around for 3 months saying it loves me.

I used to tell this one about Jonestown, but the punch line was too long.

"Jesus loves you."A nice gesture in church.A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

So I asked my North Korean friend how his life was going.He said "can't complain".

Anal sex is like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you're not going to like it as an adult.

A man in a van stops little Johnny walking down street and says, "Hey little boy, I'll give you a piece of candy if you come in my van". Little Johnny says, " How about you give me the whole bag and I'll come on your face!"

I was sitting on the train today next to a hot thai girl thinking to myself don't get an erection, don't get an erection. And she did.

A plane is falling out of the sky. A female passenger jumps up out of her seat, tears off her clothes and exclaims, "Is there anyone man enough on this plane to make me feel like a real woman before I die?" A man across the aisle stands up, hurriedly unbuttoning his shirt. He gets it off and throws it at the woman. "Iron this."

What's the number one cause of pedophilia in America? Sexy children.

How do you know a girl is too young? When you have to make the airplane noise to get your cock in her mouth.-Jimmy Carr

I held the door for an Asian man today. He said "sank you" So I punched him in the throat. How dare he bring up pearl harbor like that.

Superman is flying through the city, and sees Wonder Womans House. He is curious so he takes a peak inside her home with his x-ray vision.
What he sees astounds him, Wonder Woman is spread eagle and rubbing her boobs. And Superman gets a super hardon.
Shit Superman thinks, this is too easy, I can just zoom in there, get a few pumps in at the speed of light and she wont even know what happened.
Wonder Woman suddenly looks up, and says, "what was that"? The invisible man says," hell if I know but my ass is killing me"!

The worst part about being a pedophile is fitting in.

How do you make your wife scream twice? Fuck her in the ass and wipe your dick on the curtains.

What is yellow and lives off of dead Beatles? Yoko Ono

What's the difference between Jelly and Jam? I can't Jelly my diick up your ass.

Three sluts are in a bar. One says "my vag's so big, I can fit a whole fist in"

The second says "so what? I can fit two!"

The third just smiles, and slides slowly down the barstool.

FlangMasterJ

4th February 2014, 11:16

I really wanted to go see the new Batman movie, but I think I'll wait for the audience to die down a bit.

http://i.imgur.com/6AB2OvM.jpg

husaberg

4th February 2014, 19:18

http://img.ffffound.com/static-data/assets/6/daa27d4226327556ecc9166d9023c6bc34a675c6_m.jpg

Juniper

5th February 2014, 21:59

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when
the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey,
we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied,
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We
were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years
ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should
we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and
sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old
lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you
today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be
surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
the other is in your oatmeal|
===================

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been
in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to
rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On
doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and
tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests
he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is
any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and
this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that
the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait
outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man
to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about
five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor
his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which
the man replies: "She choked."
>========================
Guy goes to the doctor with a totally orange penis. Doctor looks at him, pokes, prods; he’s mystified. He asks the guy, “Any itching?”
“No.”
“Used any weird lotions or creams?”
“No.”
“Any problems urinating?”
“No, everything’s pretty much fine except for the color.”
“Is this recent?”
“Oh, the last few weeks, since I got a new job.”
“Anything different about your routine since the new job?”
“Well, I don’t know anyone in the area very well, so every night’s pretty much the same thing: come home, eat some dinner, then I sit down with a bag of Cheetos and watch some porn.”

Juniper

5th February 2014, 22:00

Q) What does your ass and star trek have in common?

A) You can see ur anus and there's always a couple cling on's around.

husaberg

6th February 2014, 08:25

Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said,
"Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something."

Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned.
Martin replied - "Well first you put the goddamn door up.
Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker down.
Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up."

Martin's mother said, "Wait until your father gets home."

When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to ask Martin what he had learnt today.
When Martin told him the whole story, dad said, "Martin, go outside and get me a switch.
" Martin replied, "Get fucked. That's the electrician's job."

Q: What are the two biggest lies in Poland?

A: "The check is in your mouth" and "I won't come in the mail."

Two gays are driving down the street when they see a dog on the side of the road licking his prick.
"I sure wish I could do that," said the one gay. To which the other replied,

"Don't you think you ought to pet him first??"

Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?

A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

Your basic virgin female was all set to get married to a virile gypsy,
when her mother took her aside for a little pre-nuptial advice.

"Dear, I know you love this man," the mother began. "And we've tried to welcome him into our family.
But there is something you must know. These gypsies like to make love in a disgusting way,
so if he ever asks you to turn over before making love, DON'T do it. It's degrading and painful, and it will ruin your marriage."

So the wedding is fine.
The happy couple enjoys their first month of marital bliss, when one night, the gypsy says to his wife,
"Honey, let's try making love a little differently tonight. Why don't you roll over?"

The woman loses it. "You brute," she sobs. "My mother warned me about you gypsies,
I can't believe you would do this to me."

"But honey," the startled gypsy replies. "I just thought you might want to have children."

Q: How do you blind a Chinese person?

A: Put a windshield in front of him.

What's the difference between a Ferrari and 10 dead hookers?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage:)

YellowDog

8th February 2014, 18:09

husaberg

8th February 2014, 18:21

Met a girl at a night club.

Really hit it off.

Tongues and a serious feel up.

I said "Let's go back to yours to finish this off?"

She said, "I can't I'm on a menstrual cycle"

"No worries" I said,

"I'll follow you on my scooter" :tugger:

OH sick yes, butt is it sick enough???????????????

Met a girl at a night club.

Really hit it off.

Tongues and a serious feel up.

I said "Let's go back to yours to finish this off?"

She said, "I can't I'm on a menstrual cycle"

"Sweet No worries" I said,

"I was planing on giving you backseat ride on the Browntown bus anyway"

husaberg

9th February 2014, 11:51

Whats long and hard and has cum in it?
a cucumber.

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!

What's slimy cold long and smells like pork?
Kermit the frogs finger.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
"Gag"

What do you call an artist with a brown finger?
Piccassole

Did you hear about the celebrity murderer?
He was shooting for the stars.

Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
Ate something.

If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have? Three feet of my cock up your ass

What kind of bees produce milk?
Boobies

husaberg

9th February 2014, 19:27

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
Pick him up and suck on his cock!

husaberg

11th February 2014, 18:36

Wouldn't let me edit it (easily anyway)
<img src="http://www.fullpunch.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/NEW-style.jpg" width="440px"/>

husaberg

11th February 2014, 18:53

The word good has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I should call him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man

Be creative, invent a perversion.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Research shows that nine out of ten men who try Camel... prefer women.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.

Cancer cures smoking.

If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.

husaberg

12th February 2014, 21:10

[R RATED]http://truegif.com/pictures/gif/2174.gif[/R RATED]

husaberg

12th February 2014, 21:11

[R RATED]http://truegif.com/pictures/gif/1298.gif[/R RATED]

husaberg

12th February 2014, 21:12

[R RATED]http://cdn.gifbay.com/2012/10/im_going_in_dry-4336.gif[/R RATED]

husaberg

12th February 2014, 21:21

[R RATED]http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/that%2Bwill%2Bteach%2Bhim_62c32f_4835114.jpg[/R RATED]

husaberg

12th February 2014, 21:24

[R RATED]http://earlofsodbury.org.uk/I%20find%20this%20humerus.jpg[/R RATED]

Juniper

13th February 2014, 12:44

Let me guess..... R18 RESTRICTED?

husaberg

13th February 2014, 16:26

Let me guess..... R18 RESTRICTED?

Er.....you told me you were over 16 though, aye?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=QyViuXFyIE4

MSTRS

14th February 2014, 05:34

A little girl is in her parent's room and her father is standing there naked. The little girl points to her father's penis and says "Daddy when will I have one of those between my legs?" The father replies "As soon as your mum leaves"...

husaberg

16th February 2014, 19:17

Two guys on a bench are looking at people who walk by. A teen mother and her toddler pass them. The first guy says "Whew, teen mothers these days... but I guess if there's grass on the field, its time to play ball." The second guy says "Nah, if they're old enough to crawl, they're in the right position."

Little johnny runs into his mother and says "mummy can you show me a magic trick"
His mother replies "sorry johnny i don't know any magic tricks go ask your father"
so little johnny runs to his father and says "Daddy daddy can you show me a magic trick?"
His father replies "sorry johnny i don't know any magic tricks go ask your grandfather"
So little johnny runs to his grandfathers and said "granddad granddad can you show me a magic trick?"
His grandfather replies sure johnny turn around and pull your pants down, now can you feel me thumb up your ****?"
"Yes i can" johnny replied.

"Look no hands."

Several weeks ago, my best friend walked up to me and said, "Hey, man. I had a REALLY dirty wet dream about you last night."

That sentence just left me in disturbed/disgusted silence, and I stared at him in shock.

He went on to say, "Yeah. You fell in a mud puddle and I peed myself laughing!"

Q: How do you know if your girlfriend is on her period?

A: You wake up in the morning with a lump in your throat and a string attached.

husaberg

16th February 2014, 19:18

Jerry Rice is walking down the streets of San Francisco when all of a sudden he hears sirens coming from the next street down. He hurries down the road to see what's happening and sees a huge fire engulfing a 10 story building. And on the top floor, a lady is leaning out the window shouting to the firemen below.

FIREMAN: Come on, lady, jump. We have the tarp here, we'll be able to catch you.
LADY: No....I can't. My baby, my baby is up here.
FIREMAN: Throw the baby down, we'll catch him.
LADY: No, you'll miss. I can't leave my baby.

Jerry sees this and steps forward. "Hey, I think I can help. Let me have the bullhorn."

JERRY: Hey lady, I'm Jerry Rice, the wide receiver for the San Francisco 49er's. I'm the best wide receiver in the game, throw your baby down and I'll catch him, this is what I do for a living.

Being a 49er fan herself, the lady recognizes Jerry and throws her baby down to him. Just as she throws it though, a huge gust of wind comes and takes the baby and starts to blow him off course. Jerry sees this and takes off after the baby. He hurdles the line closing off the area, fights through the crowd, dodges a couple of fire fighters, jumps over the car, and dives forward, just making a fingertip catch of the baby. The crowd around him goes wild and starts cheering his amazing catch. So Jerry jumps to his feet, raises his finger into the air, does a two step and then spikes the baby.

a priest and a vicar swap jobs for a week, the first time the vicar takes confession, a beautifull young girl says "father, ive come to confess, ive had impure thoughts about the boy next door"

"say 5 hail marys" said the priest.

another beautifull young girl comes in "father , ive come to confess, ive had phone sex with the boy next door" says she.

"say 10 hail marys" says the priest.

yet another stunner comes in to the booth "father , ive had ORAL sex with the boy next door"

the priest thinks for a while, opens the curtain on the confesional booth just as an alterboy is walking past, and asks him "what does the priest usually give for oral sex ?"

"two mars bars and a packet of crisps !" said the alterboy

Scientists have proven that women will, at some point in their lives, contain intelligent DNA.. Unfortunately 95% of them will spit it out

Man walks into a bar. He notices a jar with money in it over the bar. He asks the bartender what the money's for.
Bartender says, "Oh, we've got ourselves a contest here, y'see...You pay $10, but if you beat all 3 challenges, you win all the money."
"What's the contest?" the man asks.
"First, you've gotta knock out Bruno with one shot," the bartender says - pointing to the 6'6, 300 lb dim-witted bouncer. "Then, we take you out back to the kennel, where our doberman has an impacted wisdom tooth, and you have to remove it. Finally, you have to have sex with Agnes," he continued, pointing to a mummy-like elderly woman in the corner, "until she has an orgasm."
"Screw that," the man says. "That's way too tough!" But, a few drinks in, he'd gotten his Irish courage up, and he dropped his $10 in the jar.
He leapt up, ran over to Bruno and - summoning all his strength, caught the bouncer completely by surprise, knocking him out with one punch. The crowd - sensing the possibilities, began cheering him on, as they led him to the back kennel.
Once the door was shut, the crowd heard horrible growling sounds coming from the dog, punctuated, finally, by a loud *squeak*.
The door opened, and the man stepped out and said,"OK, now take me to that old lady with the bad tooth?"

husaberg

16th February 2014, 19:25

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.

Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts.
Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.

Mommy, Mommy! What's an Oedipus complex?
Shut up and kiss me!

Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquant child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.

Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquant child?
Shut up and pass me the crowbar.

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the right way to cook Peking Duck?"
Shut up and close the microvawe oven door behind you!

Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner?
Shut up and get back in the oven!

Mommy, Mommy! But I don't wanna eat pizza!
Shut up and get in the oven!

Mommy, Mommy! What do you want with that ax....

Mommy, Mommy! I can't breathe!
Good, it's working.

Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!

Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise.
Shut up and eat around it!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?
Not today, we already dug her three times this week.

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!

Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!

Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!

Mommy, Mommy! What's a werewolf?
Shut up and comb your face!

Mommy, Mommy! Whats an orgasm?
I don't know dear, ask your father.

Mommy, Mommy! Billy won't let go of my ear.
Billy, let go of Susie's ear.
Billy! Let go of her ear!
All right Billy, give me the ear.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy's guts.
Well, just leave them on the side of the plate.

Mommy, Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get Gramma off the doorknob!

Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?
Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like grandpa.
Well, just push him aside and eat your beans.

Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Australia.
Shut up son and keep swimming.

Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you'll wake your father.

Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

Mommy, Mommy! The milkmans here; have you got the money or
should I go out an play?

Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running?
Shut up and reload.

Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy zigzagging in the yard?
Shut up and shoot again!

Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma!
Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush.

Mommy, Mommy! I'm sick of learning how to swim!
Shut up or I'll flush it again!

Mommy, Mommy! It's cold and dark and damp down here.
Shut up or I'll flush it again.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgs for supper!
Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.

Mommy, Mommy! I HATE tomato juice!
Shut up and drink it before it clots.

Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire?
Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!
Shut up, we only have it once a month.

Mommy, Mommy! I HATE spagetti!
Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.

Mommy, Mommy! There's something in daddy's eye!
Shut up and eat around it.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!
Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!

Mommy, Mommy! Why are you moaning?
Shut up son, and keep licking.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I get pregnant?
Of course not dear, you are only seven years old.
OK boys, same again...

Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we get a garburator?
Shut up and chew!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's too tough!
"Shut up and keep chewing!"

Mommy, Mommy! Joey is biting grandma's nail.
Joey, stop it, or I am closing the coffin!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I buy a new dress?
You know it won't fit over your iron lung.

Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids?
Shut up and deal.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I brush my teeth?
Yes, now shut up and get the jar!

Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!

Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big.
Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.

Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we give Dad a decent burial?
Shut up and keep flushing.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon!
Shut up and close the coffin!

Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?
Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!
Shut up and eat your hamburger!

Mommy, Mommy! How will we ever find Daddy on this golf course?
Shut up and search the sand traps!

Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!

Mommy, Mommy! How do lions make love?
I don't know dear, all your father's friends are rotarians...

Mommy, Mommy! What is incest?
Shut up and lick.

Mommy, Mommy! What's oral sex?
mmmrmmph mumble mumble mmhhh mmrph mmumble!

Mommy, Mommy! I had just my first sexual experience. And it was the
guy's first time too. His dick was still in the rubber.

Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy bent over and crying?
Shut up and eat your hot dog!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy just poisoned my kitten!
Never mind dear. Perhaps he had to do it.
No he didn't, he promised me I could!

Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?
Shut up, you know that grandma's leg is no longer infested.

Mommy, Mommy! Why is my hair so slimey?
Shut up, you little snot.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like Sis!
Shut up, and keep eating!

Mommy, Mommy! I'd like to play marbles now!
Keep quiet, you can't use Grandpa's glass eye today!

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like the crunchy stuff in my pea soup!
Keep quiet and eat what is on the table or do you think I pour Grandpa's vomit
through a sieve?

Mommy, Mommy! Can I wear a bra now? I'm 16..
Shut up, Albert....

Mommy, Mommy! Sally won't come skipping with me.
Don't be cruel dear, you know it makes her stumps bleed.

Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a big head?
Don't worry. Take your cap and go get me 40 lbs of potatoes at the store.

Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a long nose?
You don't, but lift your head up or you'll scrape the floor.

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is how to learn to swim?
Shut up and get back in the sack!

Mommy, Mommy! Why does daddy have his Knob in the bread bin?
Ignore him son, he's fucking crackers!

Mommy, Mommy! How come sis gets to watch TV and I can't?
Shut up or I'll cut your ears off, too!

Mommy, Mommy! Don't push me towards the elevator shAAAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!

Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like Daddy's between my legs?
You will when you're older, Lucy!

Mommy, Mommy! Why are we celebrating Christmas in July?
Shut up, you know you have cancer.

Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.
All right, you can take another slice.

Mommy, Mommy! Why does Daddy's dick taste so bad?
Shut up and give your sister another tampon.

Mommy, Mommy! I just sucked Daddy and my mouth smells shit!
Well, your little brother probably has diarrhoea...

Mommy, Mommy! Why do they call me spastic at school?
Shut up and take your legs out your pockets.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to empty the compost heap.
Shut up and keep eating.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like fishing.
Shut up and stop squirming.

Mommy, Mommy! Can Sheldon come out and play baseball with us?
Now you know your little brother has no arms and legs!
Yeah, we know. We just wanna use him for second base.

Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller.
Shut up. I'm in the bathroom, slide her under the door.
[[Alt answer]] Shut up and get the maple syrup.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I go to the toilet?
Yes Johnny I'll take you in a minute.
Can Granny take me?
Why?
Her hand shakes.

"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."
"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."

Daddy, Daddy! What is queer?
Shut up and unhook my bra.

Daddy, Daddy! What's a pervert?
Shut up, kid, and keep sucking....

husaberg

20th February 2014, 21:20

.......................................

husaberg

23rd February 2014, 07:53

http://www.dailylolpic.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/funny-image-983.jpg

husaberg

23rd February 2014, 16:54

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,.................. .....

husaberg

24th February 2014, 16:39

<img src="http://twentysixsequins.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/019_crop.jpg?w=500&h=315" width="340px"/>

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

Q: What do you do after you rape a 12 year old deaf dumband blind girl?
A: Brake her fingers so she cant tell her mom.

Q: How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?

A: Call her on the phone.

Q: (hold hands out like a crucifiction) What's this?
A: A really bad way to spend easter

Q: what do you get if you put a baby in a microwave?
A: an erection.

What did OJ Simpson say to Judge Ito after the trial was over?
"Can I have my glove back now please?

Did you hear that OJ's getting married again?
He said he's going to have another stab at it.

what's blue and green and doesn't fit anymore?
a dead epileptic.

bloke goes to a prostitute and says i'm skint can I shag you for a tenner?
so she's not had a better offer all night so she says 'well ok then.'
Anyway, avoiding the gory details, after they've finished doing business, the bloke gives her 20 quid and says 'if i'd known you were a virgin I would have offered 20 anyway.' to which the prostitute replies 'if i'd known you had a twenty i'd have taken my tights off first!'

why did Fred West's first wife leave him?
she was sick of having the kids under her feet all day.

Q: How do the police know that Fred West's victims were female?
A: They were all wearing foundation.

when they tried to sell Fred West's house
it was advertised as 3up 25down

Fred West was a successful businessman....
all those people under him....

Q. What's pink, wrinkly, and hangs out your trousers?
A. Your Nan

Whats ten feet long and smells of piss?
a. old people doing the conga!

How do you get a baby into an ashtray?
A mincer.
How do you get it out again?
Doritos

husaberg

26th February 2014, 16:45

Man walks into the bathroom and sees his 15 year old son polaying with himself. He says "What the fuck do you think you are doing? At your age I was out shagging loads of women! Now, if you get laid today, I'll give you a tenner."
So the boy goes out, and comes back later. Dad: "Did you get laid then?"
Boy: "Yes Dad!"
Dad: "So who did you shag then?"
Boy: "My grandma."
Dad: "You fucked my mother?"
Boy: "Well, you fucked mine..."

How do you make a cat go woof?
Douse it in petrol *before* you set fire to it.
How to you make a dog go Miaaaow?
Freeze it and put it through a band saw.

What do vegetarian maggots eat?
Linda McCartney

husaberg

26th February 2014, 16:46

Q: What's the difference between a magician and a stripper?
A: One has a cunning stunt.

q: Who killed more indians than general custer?
a: union carbide

How did Jon Pertwee's wife find out that he'd died?
She woke up next to Tom Baker.

Why did Michael Jackson and Lisa-Marie Presley split up?
Because they had different ideas on rearing children

There are two pedophiles sitting on a park bench when a young 12 year old girl skips past. "Ahhhh..." said one looking at her wistfully, "I bet she was a real stunner when she was at her prime"

wee boy wakes up in the middle of the night and goes through to his parents room.Mummy and daddy are having sex, so the wee boy thinks "Oh great, horsey rides" so he jumps onto his fathers back, then his mum starts screaming and wailing, moaning and groaning. So the wee boy says "hold on daddy, this is where the milkman and I usually get thrown off!!"

Whats the difference between a grayhound and a paedophial??
A grayhound waits for the hare(hair).

What's the difference between a chicken drumstick and a penis?
I don't know
Do you wanna come for a picnic?

husaberg

26th February 2014, 16:48

How do you make a dead baby float?
?
One scoop of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby..

Kid. - "Mummy mummy can I lick the bowl?"
Mummy. - "Shut the fuck up and flush!!"

Kid. - "Mummy mummy why do I keep running around in circles?"
Mummy. - "Shut it or i'll nail you're other foot to the floor!!"

Mummy, mummy, I'm 18 now, can I wear a bra?
No you can't, Anthony

A little boy saw 2 rabbits shagging in his back yard and asked his mummy what they were doing. "Why, there just having there bacon and eggs" she replied.
So the boy is happy with this for a while, until he sees 2 dogs bonking in the street outside and he asks his mummy what they're doing. "There having there bacon & eggs, son" she says.
The next day, the mothers feeling a bit randy and goes upstairs with her husband to do the obvious. When she comes down, her son is standing there grinning and says "I know what you've been doing...you've been having your bacon and eggs!"
The mother looks a bit embarrassed, and says "What? How do you know that, then?"
"Because you've got fat running down your leg"

this girl asked me to give her twelve inches and make her bleed so I shagged her twice and then punched her in the face

what's silver, sits at the end of your bed and takes the piss out of you?
a dialysis machine.

picture the scene, man giving his girlfriend cunnilingus
bloke: 'boy you've got a big pussy! boy you've got a big pussy!' woman: 'why did you say that twice?
' bloke: 'i didn't'

Which of the following doesn't belong?(a) meat (b) eggs (c) wife (d) blowjob.
Answer: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

husaberg

27th February 2014, 19:12

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))

husaberg

27th February 2014, 19:13

((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))

https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6347561728/hB38F2143/

husaberg

2nd March 2014, 08:26

00000000001000010001111100011100010000001111000000 0001111111111000000

husaberg

2nd March 2014, 17:52

99999999999999999000000000000000

husaberg

3rd March 2014, 18:26

There's this eskimo crossing the arctic circle when suddenly, his jet ski breaks down. So he calls a mechanic, who takes a look and says 'Oh dear! looks like you've blown a seal.' So the Eskimo says 'No that's just some snow on my top lip'

What have money & women got in common...?
They're both very nice to come into.

Whats the difference between Lady Di and Michael Hutchence?
Michael Hutchence wore a belt.

Lesbian Dinosaur - Lickalotofpus
Gay Dinosaur - Makeasorearse

One girl says to her best friend, "My boyfriend is SO sweet!"
She replies, "I always thought he tasted salty."

How do you know if a barmaid hates you?
String in your bloody mary

A newly-married couple jet off on honeymoon and arrive at their hotel.
"The honeymoon suite, please", says the bridegroom. "Any reservations, sir?", asks the receptionist. "Well, she won't take it up the ar$e"

http://randomoverload.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/bbb2funny-sick-twisted-cure.jpg

husaberg

3rd March 2014, 20:32

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2013/06/well-said-my-friend-32.jpg?w=500&h=500

husaberg

3rd March 2014, 20:50

http://images2.memedroid.com/images/UPLOADED54/5244a0728894b.jpeg

husaberg

4th March 2014, 18:16

1010101010000111000000101010101000000111111000

Juniper

6th March 2014, 10:15

What police called abortion clinics in the ghetto

Crime stopper labs

husaberg

7th March 2014, 15:45

Q: A girl came home from a date. Her mother had waited up for her, and when the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair. “Sally,” she said, “you didn’t tell me you were going to a wedding.” “I didn’t mom,” Sally replied.

A: “I was giving a bl@wjob to a Chinese guy and he threw up on me.”

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

A: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

A smoking hot girl walks into a bar. A guy at the bar says, "Wow, you're gonna get laid tonight!" She replies, "Hehe, how do you know?" And he replies, "Because I'm stronger than you."

What's the worst part about having sex with Marilyn Monroe?

Maggots

One day a tourist walked up to a pirate with an eye patch and a hook. "How did you lose your hand?
" he asked. Said the pirate "I lost it in a swordfight." "Oh! Is that how you lost your eye?
" asked the tourist. "No, I lost that the day I looked up and a seagull crapped in my eye." replied the pirate. "I didn't know that would put someone's eye out!" said the tourist. The pirate said "It won't, that was the first day I had my hook!"

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

A: If we don’t get some support soon, people are going to think we’re nuts.

Q: What two people were shot in a theater?

A: Abraham Lincoln, and the guy sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman.

Q: What do elephants use as tampons?

A: Sheep

husaberg

8th March 2014, 21:04

http://img23.exs.cx/img23/4771/rmhs9zx.jpg

husaberg

9th March 2014, 05:00

http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/1d/b2/82/1db282a32f902aed7e497a9cfa72f343.jpg

husaberg

9th March 2014, 05:46

Gold
......................

husaberg

9th March 2014, 11:50

There sure are some unusual characters in this world.
This guy could possibly fit in here at KB quite well.:eek:

http://www.news.com.au/world/wayne-bryson-19-gets-suspended-sentence-for-having-sex-with-girlfriend-amber-hicklings-dog/story-fndir2ev-1226848000423

Oh dear stranger than fiction............

Juniper

10th March 2014, 13:20

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on my face.

Juniper

10th March 2014, 13:27

My wife said my cock closely resembles a tic-tac.
She was proud of her remark, but it knocked her down a peg or 2 when I asked her why her sister still had bad breath then.

Juniper

10th March 2014, 13:27

A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her 'That's the cleanest vagina I've ever seen.'

The lesbian replied 'Thanks, I have a woman in twice a week!

Juniper

10th March 2014, 13:34

Little Johnny comes rushing in thehouse after school, so excited. He blurts out to his mom... "Mom, i got laid for the first time". His mom is mortified and yells at him to go to his room and wait till his dad gets home. Johnny sits in his room, scared and hears the front door open as his dad comes home. Shaking he waits and da finally waks inhis room. He looks at Johnny and asks him if what his mother said is true. Shaking, Johnny says yes, it is true. His dad beams, smiling broadly and shakes his hand. "Congratulations Sson. I know how happy you must be, but next time do not tell mom, tell me". His dad leaves and Johnny smiles and goes to sleep. He is inhis room after school the next day when his dad comes up and asks if he got laid again today. Jihnny shakes his head no. When his dad asks why, Johnny replies "my ass still hurts from yesterday"

Juniper

10th March 2014, 13:36

Q: What should I do about the Muslim hanging out in my back yard?
A: Cut him down from the tree.

Juniper

10th March 2014, 13:43

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever Had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

Juniper

10th March 2014, 13:44

Yo momma so old, she has a seperate entrance for black dicks!

Yo momma so ugly, her protraits hang themselves!

Yo momma so fat, her memory foam mattress forgot!

Yo momma so fat, not even Dora can explore her!

Juniper

10th March 2014, 13:48

How many cops does it take to chance a light bulb?

None. They just beat the room for being black.

Juniper

10th March 2014, 13:51

How does a fat person turn off the lights?

the close the refrigerator door.

Juniper

10th March 2014, 13:54

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Juniper

10th March 2014, 13:59

A blind walks into a bar
And a table
and a chair

What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off

Where did Sally go during the bombing?
Everywhere

You Gotta hand it to blind Prostitutes

What did the leper say to the Prostitute?
Keep the tip

Freudian Slip-
When you say one thing but mean your mother

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

Its so hard to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs
they take everything so literally

Juniper

10th March 2014, 14:01

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters
and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating
gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the
nerve to jump in.

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Leroy was jabbing it
in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke
holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air
like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the
gator were screaming and raising heck.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a
dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring
at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million
dollars.'

'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the fuckin asshole that pushed me in the
pool!'

Juniper

10th March 2014, 14:03

Why are Rodeo cowboys a Lousy Lay?
.

They think 8 seconds is a long ride

Juniper

10th March 2014, 14:05

"It's Christmas morning!" Jimmy realizes, as he jumps out of bed, no hint of sleepiness remaining. Down the stairs the 10-year-old runs, to a tree that is nearly overflowing with presents. Seemingly paralyzed by the overwhelming display before him, Jimmy takes a few seconds to take it all in before grabbing a random present with his name and tearing it open voraciously. A Wii U system! He tears open another box: a brand new remote control car! There's another enormous box! a Playstation 4 too! And it doesn't end, Jimmy eventually unwraps 10 games for each system, a train set, Lego Mindstorms, and a laptop from Mom and Dad.

an hour later, laying amidst the tattered wrapping paper remains of what was the best Christmas ever, he looks over at his 8-year-old brother Billy, who is quietly sitting on the couch playing with his new fire engine. he notices that Billy has no other toys. Jimmy pipes up, "Boy, you sure didn't get a lot of presents from Santa this year!"

Billy looks up, and says, "At least I don't have cancer."

Juniper

10th March 2014, 14:07

An English lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Australian Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

Juniper

10th March 2014, 14:10

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

Juniper

10th March 2014, 15:28

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by
the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning
Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my
fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin'
down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident,
he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to
simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said
to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite
cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de
road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop
sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and
Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and
didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'.
I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could
hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he
looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her
between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and
said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now, wot da fock would you say?'