What's your sickest joke?

[Juniper]

Did you hear about the Lorena Bobbit computer virus?
It's re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy. Then discards it through windows.

[Juniper]

Ted Bundy was walking through the woods late at night with a woman. She turned to him and said, "It's really scary walking through here in the dark."

He looked at her and said, "How do you think I feel? I'll be walking back on my own!"

[Juniper]

What is 6.9 ?

A really good thing ruined by a period!

[Kornholio]

Did you hear about the Lorena Bobbit computer virus?
It's re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy. Then discards it through windows.

"tumbleweeds"


Ted Bundy was walking through the woods late at night with a woman. She turned to him and said, "It's really scary walking through here in the dark."

He looked at her and said, "How do you think I feel? I'll be walking back on my own!"

Redemption!!!!

[Juniper]

Another term for...

Giving head to an old fashioned girl:


Eating a fur-burger...


When is it no fun?


Too much ketchup...

[Juniper]

What is the difference between oral and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.

[Juniper]

Every time I see a Black man wearing bling I think to myself, "well done".
Because after hundreds of years and slavery and oppression
He's now free to spend thousands of dollars putting himself in chains.

[Juniper]

Three Labrador Retrievers, a black, blond, and a chocolate, were waiting in the Vets' office and started talking to each other. The chocolate asked "What are you here for?"

The black one responded "I'm a barker. Bark at everything, all the time. Mailman, neighbors, sometimes for no reason at all. Drives my owners crazy. They think if I'm neutered I'll settle down, so here I am."

The blond answered "Me, I'm a chewer. Pillows, shoes, everything. He buys me bones, toys, doesn't matter. Last week it was the sofa cushion. Boy, was he pissed! So I'm getting fixed too."

The chocolates' turn came and he confessed "I'm a humper. Furniture, peoples legs, I just can't stop. My owner was ready for her bath, I guess she lost a contact lens or something on the floor, but I saw my chance. Started humping her right there in the bathroom. So now I'm here."

"Oh! So I guess it's "nuts off" for you too, huh?" the first two asked.

"No" He replied. "But she does want to get my nails trimmed."

[imdying]

Why can't you fool an aborted baby?


It wasn't born yesterday.

[Maha]

Three members names that go together well..

ManDownUnder Goblin Snot

[Swoop]

Do you get red rep as well, from humourless KB'ers, for posts like this?

Not disagreeing with the fine humour of the joke, however.:first:


"I don't" she replied "I was screaming last night because you burst my haemorrhoids!"

[jasonu]

A man carrying a big sack goes into an Indian takeaways. He opens the sack and empties it on the counter. To the disbelief of the Punjab behind the counter it contains a dead body. The man asks the Punjab to make a curry out of the dead body. Why? the Punjab asks. Well, said the man, he was my gay lover and I want to feel him drip out of my bottom one more time.:sick:

[Juniper]

If you want my comeback you'll have to scrape it off your mothers teeth!

Just kidding.

She swallowed the lot!

[imdying]

What breaks when you give it to a two year old?


Their hips.

[Akzle]

What breaks when you give it to a two year old?


Their hips.

fuck. we should'a just burnd the south island..
you :first: this thread.

[Juniper]

I just bought a French rifle from WWII. Its never been fired. How do I know? It still has the original white flag tied to it.

Karate ... The Japanese martial art of discipline, honor and defense.

Kung Fu... The Chinese martial art of discipline, and one's self.

Boxing ... The Western martial art of defense, offence, and strategy.

Wrestling ... The Greek martial art of power and submission

Parkour? ... The French martial art of running away

[Juniper]

Poker Player:

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well, indeed he did.

She said, "Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirmed that he was interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2:00 pm Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2:00 pm sharp, and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 -- they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from golf at 6:00 pm and, upon arriving, asked his wife, "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" Sue, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player .

[Juniper]

You know those smiley round faced kids book characters?

Found these 2. Love them!!

Especially the first one!

http://www.iondesign.net/clients/webnoodle/pics/lit…

http://www.iondesign.net/clients/webnoodle/pics/lit…

[GSW]

Some girl gets a vibrator and it's seen as a bit of naughty fun, but when I ordered my 240Volt FuckMaster Pro5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed revolving pussy, elasticated anus with imitation shit dribble and breast nipple discharge, non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic rape scream sound system, I'm apparently a dirty fucking pervert!

[Juniper]

Errrrr there is nothing more I can say about this website: http://cookingwithcum.com/ :gob::gob:

:eek5:

[Drew]

Errrrr there is nothing more I can say about this website: http://cookingwithcum.com/ :gob::gob:

:eek5:
I don't wanna know how you found that.

[awa355]

Errrrr there is nothing more I can say about this website: http://cookingwithcum.com/ :gob::gob:

:eek5:

Was not written by a woman. :crazy::crazy:

[Juniper]

Was not written by a woman. :crazy::crazy:

I couldn't bear reading any of them. I started gagging at just their home page.

[imdying]

What the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps?



Phelps could finish a race.

[jasonu]

Errrrr there is nothing more I can say about this website: http://cookingwithcum.com/ :gob::gob:

:eek5:

Now THAT is no joke...

and check out the reviews section in the Amazon.com link.

[imdying]

A man goes to the pharmacy and says, "I need condoms for my 12 year old daughter".

The pharmacist says, "Your daughter is sexually active?"

The dad says, "No, she just lays there like her mother".

[imdying]

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her. "Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers". She replies, "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?". To which he responds, "No, you've got bowel cancer."

[sugilite]

I couldn't bear reading any of them. I started gagging at just their home page.
Then you may of missed this snippet....""Spunky Candied Pecans" - this is a great party snack. Prepare well in advance and let guests enjoy your delicious nuts while you put the finishing touch on their dinner."
I literally laughed to tears after reading that :lol:

[MSTRS]

Was not written by a woman. :crazy::crazy:

But it was written for one...

[imdying]

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

[imdying]

What's the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew?

Santa goes down the chimney.

[Tigadee]

Two men were stuck in the desert and on their last legs of life; thirsty and starving. As they carwled over a dune, they spotted before them a single lump of camel dung.

Both men were disgusted but saw no alternative but to consume the dung as their ony source of sustenance and survival. Yet they went back and forth insisting that the other fellow eat it first.

Finally one gave up and said he would. The other waited.

But as the man ate the dung, he could not stomach it and gagged, eventually vomiting the now soft and moist dung out into the other man's cupped hands, who said eagerly, "Ooo! I like my food warm!"

[jasonu]

What is the difference between a cricket ball and an Aboriginal woman?

You'd eat the cricket ball if you REALLY HAD to.

[Juniper]

Q: What do the starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
A: They both go to Uranus to wipe out the cling-ons.

[MSTRS]

I found my son hanging in his bedroom this morning. There was a note on his bed which read "I can't take the critism anymore". I quickly cut him down and managed to revive him. As he lay in my arms and slowly opened his eyes, I said "That's not how you spell criticism".

[unstuck]

What's grey?
A melted penguin.

What do Asians do when they have erections?
Vote.

Why is a paedophile like a turtle?
Because he gets there before the hare.

What's the hardest thing about cooking vegetables?
Getting their wheelchairs in the oven.

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
Your girlfriend chews before swallowing.

[Juniper]

Dating
by XavierScott about 1 hour ago
Dating Rituals:

WHITE WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mum makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get dynamite oral sex.
Second Date: You get more great oral sex.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and you never get oral sex again.

CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing hapens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in ... and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.

The POINT?
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

[Berries]

Errrrr there is nothing more I can say about this website: http://cookingwithcum.com/ :gob::gob:
Signed copies of the book 'A collection of semen based recipes' are available.


Well that's all the Christmas presents sorted for this year.

[Juniper]

Why are all the roads in France lined with trees?

Because Germans like to march in the shade.

The famous British "Red Coat" was, by legend, red to hide the blood. One must wonder why the French army prefers brown pants...

How many French does it take to defend Paris?

Nobody knows, its never been tried.

[Juniper]

I had a girl say this to me. She goes, "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate". I said, "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry".

[Swoop]

"Did you know that making a girl laugh is the second best way to get a girl into bed?" I asked my date.
"Really?" she asked. "What's the first?"
"A big fuck off knife!" I replied.
"Ha-ha, you're funny," she said.
"Well done, you've made a sensible choice."




My English teacher always used to tell me I was really thick.
And believe me, when she's straddling you in detention after school, that's quite a compliment for a 15 year old lad!:blip:

[Juniper]

A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. On examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.

Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "she must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00.”

[Juniper]

A hen pecked poor excuse for a man is sat in the local country public house, tucked in to corner, with his beer so that no one would see him, as he wasn’t the most sociable man in the world.
Two very well to do farmers were sat close by discussing the erection problem of a new bull he had just bought very cheaply from the live stock market.
1st Farmer “our New bull don’t seem to be able to get it up, I have tried every heifer in the field and he don’t seem to be interested in any of them!”
2nd Farmer “You obviously don’t know the old secret of how to make any living creature into a mad raging sex machine do you”? he said.
1st Farmer “do you think it would work on this new bull then as I really do need him to breed with all the herd?”
2nd Farmer “He will not only service your whole herd but any heifer that he get a sniff of! Look drink up and we will go to your farm and I show the secret.”
Now the poor hen pecked excuse of a man hears this conversation and his brain starts to tick as he remembered the words “to make any living creature into a mad raging sex machine” So he drinks his beer and follows the two farmers to the Farm and hides in a bush at the edge of the field, he watches as the 2nd farmer tells the 1st farmer to fetch his bull and one of the heifers out the field. 10 minutes later the 1st farmer turns up with a sad poor looking excuse for a bull and a spritely on heat heifer. The 2nd farmer goes up to the heifer and lifts her tail, he shoves his hand into her well seasoned opening and moves it in and out, walking over to the bull he rubs his scent covered hand up and down the bulls nose and stands back warning the 1st farmer to stand back as well..
The sad poor looking excuse for a bull snorts, his nostrils flare, his eyes take on a red glow as he paws the ground. Charging over to the heifer his dick now a pulsing rampant probe he circles round the heifer twice then stands back and charges her rear as his rampant rod impales her.
The poor hen pecked excuse of a man watches the bull for the next hour as he runs up to each heifer in the field and fucks them all. His brain starts to tick as he as he tries to remember the last time he had an erection let alone fucked his wife. With the image of the bull in his mind he leaves the farm and walks to his house, as he opened the door he saw his wife bent over the kitchen sink, walking up behind her he pushes his hand in to her pussy moves it in and out, takes them out and rubs his hand all over his face, runs around the kitchen table twice undoes his zip and stands there breathing hard.
His wife now in total shock gathers herself together and turns to look at him, her eyes wide open, her mouth a gasp, stares at the image in front of her. The poor hen pecked excuse of a man snorts and asks her
“Do I look Like a Mad rampaging Bull???
No she replied you look like a fucking Red Indian so go and get a wash and don’t get any on the towels!

[Juniper]

2 men were talking about their problems while waiting on the corner for the kids to come out of school and one said to the other

"As a pedophile it becomes very difficult for me to watch porn on the Internet.

I visited one site today and it said, "18 or above?"

I clicked 'No' and it redirected me to my home page."

[Juniper]

A homeless man walking across a brigade spots a girl about to jump.
Homeless man: "Hey, can we have sex before you jump?"
Girl: "NO."
Homeless man: "Okay, I will just wait for you at the bottom."

[Juniper]

Old man and his wife are sitting on their front porch.
The Wife smacks him upside the head.

Old man: "What was that for?"

Wife: " That's for 50 years of shitty sex"

Old man grabs his cane and swats her back.

Wife: "HEY! What the hell was that for?"

Old man: "That my dear, is for knowing the damn difference."

[Juniper]

A man walks up to a wishing well. Throws a quarter in and says "I want my dick to touch the ground"
Instantly his legs disappeared!!

[Juniper]

My sex life has improved dramatically since my wife died. For a start, she takes it up the ass now.

[Juniper]

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea

>

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
>

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
"

-------------------------------------------------
>

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
>

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
>

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
>

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
>

With his last breath John said, "I do!"
--------------------------------------
>

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
>

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
>

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me.
>

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
>

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,what should I do?"
>

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
>

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
>

The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

[Juniper]

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9- Iron".

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked!

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3-wood."

The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom - tons of cash come sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures, Why not? After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay. With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 14-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

[Juniper]

I remember, when I was a child, lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come......

Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

[unstuck]

I remember, when I was a child, lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come......

Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

:killingme:killingme:killingme:killingme Naughty santa.:nono:

http://thumbpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/Naughty-Santa.jpg

[Juniper]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?(Yep. You betcha. There is a moral!)

'When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.

(btw- "hangy-down thingy" is exactly how it was told to me.)

[GSW]

Rosey posing thoughtfully in the mirror says to Paula "I think I'm going to see a dietician". Paula asked "Why?" Rosey answered "'Cause I need to know once and for all, how many calories are in sperm!" Thinking a minute, Paula said "I really have no clue, but if you are consuming that much of it, no guy is going to care if you are a little chunky!"

[Juniper]

Q - How do you crucify a spastic?

A - On a swastika.

[Juniper]

Asiana just released the crew's names...

Capt. Sum Ting Wong
Capt. Wi Tu Lo
F.O. Ho Lee Fuk
F.O. Bang Ding Ow

Oh wait, that's from a real newscast!
http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3588569

:p

[Juniper]

Usain Bolt walks into a pub and orders a beer,

the barman says “we don’t serve sambos in here, there’s another pub 3 minutes down the road, go there"

Usain replys “DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM!!!, I’m Usain Bolt the fastest man in the world".

The barman says “so sorry, in that case it’ll be 1 min 30 seconds"

[Juniper]

@ Unstuck- dont be ashamed of what you get up too on home D.



Two guys and a girl get marooned on a desert island.

After one week, the woman is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself!

After another week goes by, the men are so ashamed of what they're doing, they buried her!

After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing they dug her back up again!

[Juniper]

Little Johnny said "Mom, did you know that Anna is an angel?" Mom said "You mean the maid, why do you say that?"

Johnny said "Well, because I saw her naked in your bedroom with her hands on the wall & she was shouting, "oh God I am coming...I am coming ...I am coming... If it wasn't for dad who was holding her tight from behind, she would have gone up to Heaven"

[Juniper]

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in
there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them
for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

[Juniper]

Even though funerals are held in the afternoon I still get mourning wood.

[flyingcrocodile46]

A little girl goes up to her mom and asks, "What's that?"

The mom answers, "A vagina."

And the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?"

And the mom answers, "As soon as you grow up."

Then the little girl goes up to her dad and asks, "What's that?"

And the dad answers, "A penis."

So the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?"

And the the dad answers, "As soon as your mom goes to work."

[eelracing]

3 maoris in court.

Whetu is given 1 year for possession of a knife.
Wiremu is given 5 years for possession of a gun.
Rangi is given 18 months for possession of 60 cents in loose change.

Summing up,the Judge stated, "Although Rangi didn't have a gun or knife,it is my opinion that he was clearly saving up for one"

[Juniper]

Non alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister…

Tastes the same but you just know it’s not right…

[haydes55]

Why do pedophiles always have beards and glasses?

I mean, what is it about that look, that children find so sexy?

[Juniper]

Guy comes home from work, his girlfriend is packing
She’s upset about something, he asks
"honey what’s wrong?"
"I heard you’re a pedophile"
"Pedophile? Wow big word for an eight year old"

[Juniper]

Q: Why doesn't Chelsea Clinton have any brothers or sisters?
.
.
.
.
.
.

A: Because Monica ate them.

[Juniper]

Going to get the 12 week scan today!

I can’t wait to see if we’re having a boy or an abortion!

[Juniper]

Why won’t blacks procreate with Hispanics?
They’re afraid their kids would be too lazy to steal

[Juniper]

Rumor is that Kate's had a Caesarian. They wanted the baby to come out through the sunroof as a tribute to its grandmother.

[Juniper]

What has 4 legs and one black arm ????

A very happy Pit-bull

[Juniper]

Why is it so hard to solve a Redneck Murder ????

Because all of the DNA is the same and there are no dental records

[Juniper]

A man goes into a restroom, walks over to the urinal and unzips. As he's relieving himself, a midget walks over with a step stool. The midget then proceeds to put the step stool next to the man, climbs up on it and stares at the mans genitals. The man asks, "What are you doing?" The midget replies, "Those are the nicest set of testicles I have ever seen. They hang so nice and look so smooth." The flattered by this thanks the midget. The man proceeds to put himself away when the midget says, "Wait! Would you mind if I touched them?" The man looks around seeing nobody says, "Sure, go ahead. Can't see anything wrong with it." The midget starts fondling and feeling the mans testicles. Then he gets a firm grip at the base and says, "Give me your wallet or I'll jump!"

[Juniper]

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family.

[Juniper]

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $1000 in a safety competition. "What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart ass when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked "Are we over the border yet?"

[Juniper]

A dog asked a cat:
why do u hide when having sex?

And the Cat replied:
because we don't want humans to copy our style.
they've already copied Yours!..

[Juniper]

A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together. When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, can you give me a blowjob?"
"What? Are you crazy!?"
He says "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor, anyone..."
"At this time of the night? No one will show up honey..."
She insistantly says "I've already said NO. Someone will see us."
At this point he pleas one last time, "My love... Please don't be like that..."
At that moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the damn intercom button!"

[Swoop]

An old pensioner is hobbling his way home through the red light district.

"Hey, Handsome, how about it?"

"You're joking," says the 90-year-old, "I just can't manage it any more."

"Ah, come on," says the whore, "it'll be really nice."

After a bit of humming and hawing, the pensioner goes along and when they finally get onto the whore's bed he rides her like a fucking god, giving her multiple real orgasms and wearing her out. She can't believe it when he finally shoots his load and gives her a break.

"Wow, old man," says the whore, exhausted, "that was such a great fuck. And you said you couldn't manage it any more?"

"Oh I can still fuck, Honey," says the old geezer, "it's just that I can't pay."

[MSTRS]

So the company that manufactured Thalidomide has finally apologised to victims.
I know a few people who won't be applauding.

[Drew]

So the company that manufactured Thalidomide has finally apologised to victims.
I know a few people who won't be applauding.They won't be wiping their own arses with the apology letter either though.

[Juniper]

In a recent nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised!

Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver's license photo and it was that same color, black. I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it's a wheelchair! That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled! I said to myself, aloud, "This is impossible! It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled!"

"It's the pure and holy truth," whispers someone from behind me.

I turn around, and it's my boyfriend. Just what I needed!!! I am a homosexual, and on top of that, with a Mexican boyfriend.

Oh, my God ..... Black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!!

Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, I try to pull my hair, and Oh, nooooo .... I'm bald!!! The telephone rings. It's my brother. He is saying, "Since mom and dad died, the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job, you worthless piece of crap... Any job!" Mom? Dad? Nooooo Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!

I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, and an orphan, but he doesn't get it.

Frustrated, I hang up. It's then I realize I only have one hand!!! With tears in my eyes, I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere. Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker... Pacemaker??

Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.

At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, "Sweetie pie amigo, love, my little black heart-throb, have you decided what you are going to wear to Washington to meet Obama?"

Say it isn't so!!! Now I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug-addicted, Jewish homosexual on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please.....

Oh dear God, please don't tell me I'm a Democrat!"

[Juniper]

One day, little Tommy is walking back home after school. He opens the front door, and sees his father banging his mother doggy-style on top of the kitchen table. With a nervous smirk, his father jumps down, and says, "We didn't realize you'd be home so early! Go downstairs, and I'll come talk to you in a few hours." Head hung low, little Tommy recedes down the stairs whimpering the whole way.

A few hours later, little Tommy's father comes downstairs to attempt to explain away what Tommy saw when he got home, when all of the sudden he sees little Tommy has his grandmother bent over the pool table, banging her. Little Tommy looks his father straight in the eyes and says, "Not so funny when its your mom, is it?"

[Juniper]

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall..."

[Akzle]

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall..."

shoulda given it some down under flavour, bunnings or placemakers

[unstuck]

Q: What does it mean when a woman is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

[Juniper]

Friend says: "Chastity belts look like they are built for skinny women"

Daddy's response: "Well that's because with big women, they've got that fat hanging over they're waist, so they don't need one"

[unstuck]

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

Oh, no: I never found her head.


What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night?

Cot death.


Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left it.


What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

Half a cat.


What's red and orange and looks good on hippies?

Fire.


Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says: "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."



Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."



Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".

The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

[Juniper]

"You stand here accused of some of the most violent and depraved sexual acts ever heard by this courtroom", said the judge. "During the past few weeks we have heard evidence from the 3 imprisoned girls with accompanying photographs and testimony which have caused some of the jurors to leave the courtroom in tears. The victims might perhaps one day be able to reintegrate into society but they will never forget the horrors of the last decade. How do you plead?"

All eyes in the courtroom turned to me. There was silence and I looked down at my shoes in shame. "Guilty", I whispered.

My lawyer rushed in behind me. "Dave", he said, "your parking fine is being heard in room 11, 3 doors down on the left".

[Juniper]

A man and his best friend are sitting on the sofa and love seat, respectively, arguing about the area of skin between their dick and their asshole. What is it called, a taint or a runway?

The man's wife come into the room, wondering what they are arguing about. The man says to his wife what is that area called between your dick and the asshole?

Wife replies.... The coffee table?

[Juniper]

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage up to say a few words to the big Maori.
Leaning over toward him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive Maori leapt up with fire in his eyes and smacked the shit out of the little man, knocking him right off his stool.
He proceeded to beat him all the way across the bar and right out the door, leaving him battered and bruised in the parking lot, then returned to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought another beer to the Maori and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"
"I don't know," said the Maori, "something about a job!"

[Crasherfromwayback]

A man and his best mate (the Fox Terrier) were out in butt fuck nowhere NZ, going for a walk. The sun came out...and it started to get well hot. Being not that well prepared for such heat....the guy was glad when he happened upon a local cnr pub proclaiming to serv the most refreshing Steinlager in NZ.

But as he was about to enter the joint, he saw a huge sign that said *No patches. no dogs, no exceptions!!!* Still...he was that thirsty (as was his wee mate) that he decided to have a go regardless. So he rocks on up to the bar and without batting an eye asks for a jug of Steinie, one glass and one bowl. The barman asks what the bowl is for of course...and as soon as the guy says it's so his best mate can have a cold beer too the barman loses his rag.

" Can't you read you stupid cunt???" he yells. "No fucking dogs allowed!!!" The guy is a bit shocked by this. He takes a look around...and what should he see? Patched Mongrel Mob members in the very next room palying pool and causing havoc!!! So he says to the barman... "Well yes I did see that sign, and I'm very sorry to have caused you any trouble!...but how is it you let patched gang members in here when the very same sign says no patches!!??"

The barman goes a lil quiet...then says in a quiet voice that they're too big bad and ugly to control...and that he's unable to get them to leave.

So the guy thinks for a minute...then says to the barman..."If my dog can get those nasty fuckers to piss off out of your establishment...could we both stay for that beer?"

The barman is "Of course of course you could!!! The fucking beers would be on the house even! The cunts have been causing thousands of dollars worth of damage every single week and scaring all of my regular customers away!!!" He then goes silent. "But hang on" he says..."How the fuck is that wee dog gonna scare those huge big gansters out of here?" "Never you mind" says the guy confidently. "Do we have a deal or not?" "hell yes!!" says the barman.

With that...the guy picks up his wee Foxy...points him in the direction of the Mobsters...then sets him lose! The fucking dog near tears up the carpet with his claws he's so keen to get into the next room! He jumps right through the plate glass panels on the door and attacks the closest gangster! Rips his throat out in fact. On to the next one...tears his ball bag off...without slowing down...jumps up onto the pool table and bites the next one on the face...uses his hind leg to kick another in the eye...and pisses in anothers face. By now...they all stagger out of the place bleeding profusely and freaking right out.

The barman is watching in awe...speechless. Then he gets it together and says " Steinies on the house as promised dude!!!"

So the guy sits on his bar stool savouring his beer...whilst his wee dog slurps his casually from a bowl on the floor. Minutes go by before the barmans curiousity gets the better of him and he asks..."How the fuck did you get your wee dog to be such a trained killer mate???"

The guy was like "Do you really want to know?". "hell yeah" said the barman. "ok then"...


"I've owned my wee dog since he was a tiny pup. Once I realised he was getting closer and closer to puberty...I used to put him up on the kitchen bench....and wank him off" The barman was like " you what you sick fuck!!!???"

The guy was like " I haven't finished my story yet!" "Oh sorry" says the barman.

"so anyway...I'd wank my little dog off. And as soon as he got close to blowing his bolt...












I'd bash him in the face with a gollywog"

[Rhys]

286245


:argh:

[Juniper]

Met this new Lady, when we were making love I said to her.... Tell me when you have an orgasm. She said.... Paul, I'm not going to start calling you at work!!!

[Juniper]

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up making love there and then. I just love my new taser

[Juniper]

Wanna hear a joke?



Woman's rights.

[unstuck]

At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says,

"Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."

He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,

"Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."

Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says,

"You can fuck off."

[Juniper]

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?

None the dumb bitch can cook in the dark!

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing you already told her twice.

[Juniper]

A zebra died and went to heaven. Talking to St. Peter, the zebra asked, could you tell me.... am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?

St Peter told the zebra to go ask God, and see what he says. A while later the zebra came back and said he still did not know. So St peter ask what God said and the zebra replied he told me "you are what you are"

St Peter said OK, that means your white with black stripes. The zebra asked "how do you know?" St. Peter answered "if you were black with white strips, God would have said You is what you is."

[Juniper]

Finish the joke:

What's the difference between a toilet and a woman?

Suggestions:
You can't get AIDS from a toilet.
A toilet always swallows.
I have respect for toilets.
You don't laugh after you shit in your toilets mouth.
You don't go to jail for punching your toilet.

What would be YOUR punchline? :)

[Paul in NZ]

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Red, Fred and Bob. As they start their descent, Bob slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.. As the ambulance takes the body away, Fred says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife. Red says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser Fred says, 'Where did you get that beer, Red'

'Bob's wife gave it to me,' Red replies..

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Red says 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Bob's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'



A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to graduate."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, '...I would do... anything!!!"
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Yes,... Anything!!!"
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...... study?"



The wife is back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.



I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.



· My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.



· I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.



· After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, Screw it, soldier on!



· I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 11:30.



· Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.



· The other night, my wife asked me how many women Id slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"



· My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?!"



· A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

[Paul in NZ]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'

[Juniper]

The other day a friend loaned me an Asian porn video to watch. I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but it was just strange. It was a kung-fu movie parody called Crouching Pussy, Hidden Penis. Starring in it were Hung Lo, Long Dong, Won Dum Fuk, Sum Dum Gai and his sister, Sum Yung Ting.

[Juniper]

How do you fix a broken dishwasher..?

Toss her a towel, slap her in the back of the head, and tell her to get back to work!

[unstuck]

How do you fix a broken dishwasher..?

Toss her a towel, slap her in the back of the head, and tell her to get back to work!

IO, Im the dishwasher in this household, aint no one slapping me in the fucking head and walking to A and E.:angry2:

[Crasherfromwayback]

Why did they bury Freddie Mercury with his bum poking out of the dirt?

















So his mates could drop in for a cold one.

[Juniper]

IO, Im the dishwasher in this household, aint no one slapping me in the fucking head and walking to A and E.:angry2:

Are you broken?

[unstuck]

Are you broken?

Very, but I still wash dishes. :devil2:

[Juniper]

What are the two most important holes in a woman's body?
No, not those you sick Bastard!!!
It is her nostrils because they allow her to breathe while she sucks cock!!!

[Crasherfromwayback]

What are the two most important holes in a woman's body?
No, not those you sick Bastard!!!
It is her nostrils because they allow her to breathe while she sucks cock!!!

What's sick about that?:innocent:

[Drew]

What's sick about that?:innocent:And who fucken cares if she can breath?

[Crasherfromwayback]

And who fucken cares if she can breath?

Kinda important if you want round two at some stage Bro...

[Drew]

Kinda important if you want round two at some stage Bro...It does?

I find they want to talk and be annoying afterwards. Chocking them fixes the issue.

[Juniper]

Kinda important if you want round two at some stage Bro...

Body still warm........?

[Crasherfromwayback]

Body still warm........?

Lol. I'll come back with a joke regarding such issues once the motorcycle racing has finished.

[Drew]

Lol. I'll come back with a joke regarding such issues once the motorcycle racing has finished.And a little boy waits...

[Crasherfromwayback]

And a little boy waits...

I'm sulking because Lorenzo made me lose my moola to the TAB I'd previously won! Thought I was gonna pull off a hat trick for a min there!

[mossy1200]

"The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so f**king temperamental."

[haydes55]

"The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so f**king temperamental."


Bullshit, the best engine in the world is the pig.
Pigs convert vegetable fuel into edible bacon.

[Juniper]

Bullshit, the best engine in the world is the pig.
Pigs convert vegetable fuel into edible bacon.

ooooo I think you may be right!!

[mossy1200]

Bullshit, the best engine in the world is the pig.
Pigs convert vegetable fuel into edible bacon.

Your telling me if you were to pick one engine it would produce bacon?
I can live without bacon.

[haydes55]

Your telling me if you were to pick one engine it would produce bacon?
I can live without bacon.


I can live without an engine with a temperamental operating system :p

[Berries]

I can live without bacon.
Can I have yours then? I would be a vegetarian if it wasn't for pigs.



And the fact that I would be a vegetarian.

[unstuck]

And a little boy waits...

For Rolf harris no doubt.:buggerd:

[Juniper]

I can live without an engine with a temperamental operating system :p

Same!!

Give me more bacon!!

Craving to go to Pokono for lunch.

[unstuck]

Inmates at rangipo prison farm used to tattoo girls names onto pigs before fucking them, kinda put you off xmas dinner when your ham has julie tattooed into its flesh.:eek:

[Berries]

You should see my wedding photos.

[Swoop]

Bullshit, the best engine in the world is the pig.
Pigs convert vegetable fuel into edible bacon.

MMMMMMmmmmm, bacon!

Top 10 Bacon Quotes from Homer Simpson:

1.“(Lisa) “I’m going to become a vegetarian” (Homer) “Does that mean you’re not going to eat any pork?” “Yes” “Bacon?” “Yes Dad” Ham?” “Dad all those meats come from the same animal” “Right Lisa, some wonderful, magical animal!”"
2.“Porkchops and bacon, my two favorite animals.”
3.“When you’re in my house you shall do as I do and believe who I believe in. So Bart butter your bacon.”
4.“Is it Bacon Day?”
5.“Mmmm. Move over, eggs. Bacon just got a new best friend – fudge.”
6.“Not again! First you took away my Philly Fudgesteak. And then my Bacon Balls. Then my Whatchamachicken. You monster!”
7.Homer: I’ll have the smiley face breakfast special. Uhh, but could you add a bacon nose? Plus bacon hair, bacon mustache, five o’clock shadow made of bacon bits and a bacon body.
Waitress: How about I just shove a pig down your throat?
(Homer looks excited)
Waitress: I was kidding.
Homer: Fine, but the bacon man lives in a bacon house!
Waitress: No he doesn’t!
8.“[strained] You know that feeling you get when a thousand knives of fire are stabbing you in the heart? I’m having that right now…[normal] Ooh, bacon!”
9.“Mmm … bacon”
10.“Mmm … unexplained bacon”


<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/vKaN0IPJeyU" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[Juniper]

Its so funny how some times when you are thinking of someone they suddenly show up.

Long story short my Dad just walked in on me Masturbating


*DISCLAIMER-NOT ME THATS JUST HOW THE JOKE RAN!!*

[Juniper]

IF sex with 3 people is a threesome
And sex with 2 people is called a twosome

I now understand why they call you Handsome

[Juniper]

What's the worst thing about getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go in to ask for a coat hanger.

.................................................. .................................................. ...............

What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother's pussy? Sucking out thirteen of them and realizing you only put in a dozen.

.................................................. .................................................. ...............

How are children like cellphones? If you've lost one and haven't found it in a couple days, chances are it's probably dead.

.................................................. .................................................. ..............

What do you do after you rape a 12 year old deaf dumb and blind girl? Break her fingers so she cant tell her mom.

.................................................. .................................................. ..............

“I’ve got a new nickname for you,” I told my wife today. “What is it?” she asked. “Bambi,” I replied. “Aww, is that ‘cause I’ve got beautiful eyes?” she asked. “No, it’s because I’ve just killed your mom,” I replied.

.................................................. .................................................. ..............

What do priests and Santa Claus have in common? They both leave little boy's rooms with empty sacks.

[Juniper]

~ So what do they do with all the skin they cut off when a male baby is circumcised ??? ~

~ They sell it to gay guys as chewing gum ~

[Juniper]

Why did very few blacks survive the Zombie Apocalypse in the show “The Walking Dead?”

(Some Answers)

1. It’s impossible to quickly get your running shoes untangled from the telephone lines above the housing complex.

2. Zombies look like crack addicts… just assumed business was picking up.

3. Thought the Zombies were security guards following them through the store again.

4. Running without a belt… pants fall, you trip, you're dead.

5. Can’t buy ammunition with food stamps.

6. Chose to wait for “the government” to help.

7. With no “po-po” in sight, thought it was an excellent time to loot the electronic store for a Big Screen HD Television.

8. Decided to pick up some KFC for the road.

9. Had to swim to safety… gold chains weigh you down.

10. Mistook a Zombie for a drunken white girl when taking a quick “rape-break”.

11. Had to pass through rival gang territory to get to safety.

12. Time ran out after calling out LaShaquinbeyontaetae’s name… (Didn’t know where the other 10 kids were)

13. It’s “HARD WORK” to continue to survive after you have just out-run your entire family of baby mamas and kids.

14. Carjacking a getaway vehicle is difficult when the driver smiles and speeds up when they see you in the middle of the road.

15. No one left to deliver meals in prison.

16. Target practice.

[Juniper]

Not sick, but don't wanna get flamed in the other thread

Why is Obama always surrounded by bulletproof glass!!!

Just cause he's a black guy, doesn't mean he is gonna shoot anyone...

[Juniper]

Unstuck- don't know why but thought of you when I saw this.


From The Jailhouse


Q: How do you find out how strong a virgin is?
A: By how many men it takes to hold him down.

Q: How do you know someone's a virgin?
A: By how loud he screams when you penetrate him.

Q: How do you gauge a man's machismo?
A: By how loud a virgin screams when he penetrates him.

[Paul in NZ]

In an a Irish Courtroom, the judge says to a double-homicide defendant

"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer”.

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your

mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom.....

“Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with

contempt. Is that understood?"

Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for 15 years I've lived next door to that asshole, and every time I asked to

borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"

[Juniper]

Whats the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?

THE TASTE.......

[Smifffy]

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. “I have just the thing.” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few more strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”

“No problem!” says the barber “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”

[Juniper]

A young lady goes to the Doctors.
Young Lady. "Doctor you have to help me. Everytime I sneeze I orgasm."
Doctor. "What are you taking for it?"
Young Lady, "Pepper".

[Crasherfromwayback]

And a little boy waits...

So anyway...

A woman has a nasty crash in her car, and sustains a really serious head injury. The place her in a coma and call hubby to come quick, as they're not sure she'll make it. He gets bthere asap, and they fill him in on the prognosis. He stays with her all night and all through the next day. He does this every day for two weeks. They try to bring her out of her coma to check for perm brain injury and to do some tests...but unfortunately she won't wake.

So for the next month they try to wake her, whilst all the while it's looking more and more like she's brain dead. Finally hubby decides he should go home and get some proper rest...and asks the hospital to ring him right away if there's any change in her. Well one night...whilst the nurse is giving her a bed bath...as she washes her vagina...she's sure she noticed the woman respond in a very subtle fashion. Obviously she doesn't want to get too carried away...ethics and all that. So they ring hubby and tell him to come down right away.

When he gets there...the Dr informs him of the nurses findings and takes him to a private room for a chat. He says "I know this may sound strange Mr Smith, but I'd like you to have oral sex with your wife. I think it may bring her out of her coma!"

The guy obviously thinks this is pretty fucking odd...but as he loves his wife so he'll do anything to bring her back! So the medical staff all leave the cubicle...and dim the lights for them.

After a few minutes the womans alarm is going off and she's flat lining!!!

THe DR's and nurses rush back in to see what's going on...and ask him what the hell happened!?

He says...well obviously I'm no medical expert...

















But I think she choked on my cock!

[Juniper]

yeah i had an accident i ran into the back of this suv. the guy gets out and i see hes a midget. he storms over & says "i'm not happy " i said " well which one are you" oops !

[Juniper]

And what about the alcoholic lesbian who got so drunk she couldn't hold her licker?

[Juniper]

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

9/11.

9/11 who?

Ha! And you promised you'd never forget!

[Juniper]

Two Muslim mothers are comparing notes. The older of the Muslim mothers pulls out her bag and starts flipping through family photos and reminiscing. "This is my oldest son, Mohamed. He would have been 24 now." The other Mom replies, "I remember him as a baby." The first mother says, "He's a martyr now. "Oh, that's so sad, my dear." Then the first mother flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Abdul. He would be 21. "Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born." The first mother sighs, "He's also a martyr. "Oh gracious me!", says the second mother. "And this is my third son ... my beautiful Ahmed! He would have been 18 this year." "Yes ...", says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school." "He's also a martyr.", the first mother says. She sobs. Her eyes now fill with tears. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos, gently lays her hand on the first woman's shoulder and says,"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Juniper]

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office.
After the exam, she shyly said “My husband wants me to ask you…,” to which the doctor replies, “I know, I know,” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder.”I get asked that all the time. Making love is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
“No, that’s not it,” the woman confessed “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”

[Juniper]

So Hymie and Louie are two school friends. They just happen to share the same brithday. They both turn ten over the weekend and on the Monday morning, at school, they show each other what they got as presents. Hymie got a brand new, multi-function watch that does everything including tell the time. Louie gets a hand gun, small enough to fit in his coat pocket. They lament that they are not totally happy with their presents and decide to swap. Louie goes home, after school, and shows his
Father that he swapped his gun for a watch. His Father is very angry and chastises
Louie accordingly and says to him. "Louie, my Son, when I buy you a present, I do it with a lot of thought and consideration for your future. You will get married one day to a beautiful woman. You will go to work and look after her and your children. One day you will come home early from work and find your lovely wife in bed with another man. What are you gonna do? Ask him how long he is gonna be?"

[Madness]

~ So what do they do with all the skin they cut off when a male baby is circumcised ??? ~

~ They sell it to gay guys as chewing gum ~


Why did very few blacks survive the Zombie Apocalypse in the show “The Walking Dead?”

(Some Answers)

1. It’s impossible to quickly get your running shoes untangled from the telephone lines above the housing complex.

2. Zombies look like crack addicts… just assumed business was picking up.

3. Thought the Zombies were security guards following them through the store again.

4. Running without a belt… pants fall, you trip, you're dead.

5. Can’t buy ammunition with food stamps.

6. Chose to wait for “the government” to help.

7. With no “po-po” in sight, thought it was an excellent time to loot the electronic store for a Big Screen HD Television.

8. Decided to pick up some KFC for the road.

9. Had to swim to safety… gold chains weigh you down.

10. Mistook a Zombie for a drunken white girl when taking a quick “rape-break”.

11. Had to pass through rival gang territory to get to safety.

12. Time ran out after calling out LaShaquinbeyontaetae’s name… (Didn’t know where the other 10 kids were)

13. It’s “HARD WORK” to continue to survive after you have just out-run your entire family of baby mamas and kids.

14. Carjacking a getaway vehicle is difficult when the driver smiles and speeds up when they see you in the middle of the road.

15. No one left to deliver meals in prison.

16. Target practice.


Not sick, but don't wanna get flamed in the other thread

Why is Obama always surrounded by bulletproof glass!!!

Just cause he's a black guy, doesn't mean he is gonna shoot anyone...


Unstuck- don't know why but thought of you when I saw this.


From The Jailhouse


Q: How do you find out how strong a virgin is?
A: By how many men it takes to hold him down.

Q: How do you know someone's a virgin?
A: By how loud he screams when you penetrate him.

Q: How do you gauge a man's machismo?
A: By how loud a virgin screams when he penetrates him.


A young lady goes to the Doctors.
Young Lady. "Doctor you have to help me. Everytime I sneeze I orgasm."
Doctor. "What are you taking for it?"
Young Lady, "Pepper".


yeah i had an accident i ran into the back of this suv. the guy gets out and i see hes a midget. he storms over & says "i'm not happy " i said " well which one are you" oops !


And what about the alcoholic lesbian who got so drunk she couldn't hold her licker?


Knock, knock!

Who's there?

9/11.

9/11 who?

Ha! And you promised you'd never forget!


Two Muslim mothers are comparing notes. The older of the Muslim mothers pulls out her bag and starts flipping through family photos and reminiscing. "This is my oldest son, Mohamed. He would have been 24 now." The other Mom replies, "I remember him as a baby." The first mother says, "He's a martyr now. "Oh, that's so sad, my dear." Then the first mother flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Abdul. He would be 21. "Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born." The first mother sighs, "He's also a martyr. "Oh gracious me!", says the second mother. "And this is my third son ... my beautiful Ahmed! He would have been 18 this year." "Yes ...", says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school." "He's also a martyr.", the first mother says. She sobs. Her eyes now fill with tears. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos, gently lays her hand on the first woman's shoulder and says,"They blow up so fast, don't they?"


A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office.
After the exam, she shyly said “My husband wants me to ask you…,” to which the doctor replies, “I know, I know,” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder.”I get asked that all the time. Making love is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
“No, that’s not it,” the woman confessed “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”


So Hymie and Louie are two school friends. They just happen to share the same brithday. They both turn ten over the weekend and on the Monday morning, at school, they show each other what they got as presents. Hymie got a brand new, multi-function watch that does everything including tell the time. Louie gets a hand gun, small enough to fit in his coat pocket. They lament that they are not totally happy with their presents and decide to swap. Louie goes home, after school, and shows his
Father that he swapped his gun for a watch. His Father is very angry and chastises
Louie accordingly and says to him. "Louie, my Son, when I buy you a present, I do it with a lot of thought and consideration for your future. You will get married one day to a beautiful woman. You will go to work and look after her and your children. One day you will come home early from work and find your lovely wife in bed with another man. What are you gonna do? Ask him how long he is gonna be?"

Do you know any funny ones?

[haydes55]

What taps on glass every 12 seconds exactly?

...A baby in a microwave.

What's worse than a pile of dead babies?

... The baby at the bottom eating it's way out.

Why is KFC in China tastier than in america?

... Kentucky Fried Children.

[Juniper]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention centre where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.

As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black. And Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims."

"My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'. "

The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."

[GDOBSSOR]

A man had a dick 25 inches long. He was kinda sick of being over-endowed so went to a doctor who said he couldn't help him but suggested he tried a witch doctor. The witch doctor said, "There is a magic frog in the local forest. Ask her to marry you and each time she says no, your dick will shrink five inches."
Suits me, the man thinks, so off he goes to find the frog. When he finds her, he says, "Frog, will you marry me?"
She looks at him, disinterested at best, and says, "No."
His dick shrinks to 20 inches.
Again, he says, "Frog, will you marry me?"
She sighs, and says, "No!"
With a dick now 15 inches long, he thinks, great, if only I could get another 5 inches off, I'm all set!
He says, one last time, "Frog, will you marry me?"
She glares at him. "HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU? NO, NO, NO!"

[Juniper]

I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You
see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're
definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which
comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL
fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know
what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their
way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my
dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings,
my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed
normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was
at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta
go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The
habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they
bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The
peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of
which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might
escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began
to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed
any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous
effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and
apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and
running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off
angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean.
With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and
echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing
the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it
before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the toilet, began the inevitable 'Oh my God',
floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in
while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound,
and disgustedly said, Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my
shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Mitre 10. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
The Pricks claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

[Juniper]

She was only.........

A Road-maker's daughter, but she always liked her Ashphalt.

A Cricketer's daughter, but she could always take a Full-toss in the Crease.

A Band-leader's daughter, but she always hummed in Ragtime.

A Signaler's daughter, but she 'Di-dit' because her 'Da-Da di-dit'.

A Stable Hand's duaghter, but all the Horse Menure.

Any body got any more?

[kevfromcoro]

she was only the chemists daughter..
but she let the farmer see

[NOD]

She was only the farmers daughter but she could not keep her calves together.

She was only the Captains daughter but she new what regiment.

[Robbo]

She was only the Accountant's daughter, but she sure knew how to keep her bottom line profitable.
She was only the Archer's daughter, but she knew how to make them quiver!
She was only the Baker's daughter, but she's got one in the oven for me!
She was only the Brewer's daughter, but that didn't stop her in the yeast.
She was only the Coal Miner's daughter, but she had lots of 'slag' in her slacks!
She was only the Ditch Digger's daughter, but I was firmly entrenched!
She was only the Fireman's daughter, but she knew how to handle a hose!
She was only the Fisherman's daughter, but when she saw my rod she reeled!
She was only the Fishmonger's daughter, she lay on the slab and said fillet!
She was only the Mechanic's daughter, but when she saw my nuts she bolted!
She was only the Meteorologist's daughter, but she knew how to give you a snow job!
She was only the Painter's daughter, but I wanted to give her brush a stroke!
She was only the Pilot's daughter, but she knew how to keep her cockpit clean!

[unstuck]

Funny how a self-examination for testicular cancer easily turns into a wank.:headbang::headbang:

[TLDV8]

Hello I'm just ringing in sick.
Ohhh thats no good,how sick are you ?
Well I just woke up with my sister ?

[haydes55]

She was only the accupuncturists daughter, but she let me prick her

[Juniper]

Good: When you and Hubby decide no more children.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: When you find out your daughter has borrowd them.

Good: You take your daughter aside for the 'Birds and the Bees' talk.
Bad: She keeps on interupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: You find your Son studies a lot in his bedroom.
Bad: You find several Porn movies in there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your Husband understands fashion.
Bad: You find out he's a Cross-Dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

[Juniper]

Why don't a woman's guts fall out of her cunt? Because the vacuum in her head is holding it all in.

Wht can't women fart? Because they don't keep thie mouths closed long enough to build up the pressure.

If women are so good at multi-tasking why can't they have a headache and an orgasm at the same time. (Stolen from Billy Connoly.)

[Juniper]

So little Johnny (four years old) is out shopping with his Mum and Grandma. He says to Mum, "I have to go the the toilet."
Mum. "I'll take you."
Johnny. "No, I want Grandma to take me."
Mum. "Why can't I take you?"
Johnny."Because Grandma's hand shakes."

[Juniper]

Unstuck saw this and thought of you:



A Jew, a nigger and a white man are running in a race. who wins and why?

Answer: the white man, because the Jew had to pick up a nickel off the ground, and the nigger had to write mother fucker on the wall.

[Crasherfromwayback]

A Jew, a nigger and a white man are running in a race. who wins and why?

Answer: the white man, because the Jew had to pick up a nickel off the ground, and the nigger had to write mother fucker on the wall.

How old are you?

[Juniper]

How old are you?

General consensus is mid 30's with a splattering of hyped up 12yo.

[Akzle]

General consensus is mid 30's with a splattering of hyped up 12yo.

hahahahahahahahahahahaha.




Splattering.

[Juniper]

An old salty Sailor who had lost both legs in different nautical accidents was managing quite well on two wooden legs until one day in his travels around Australia he found himself in a outback Pub. Came the time he had to go to the toilet for a number two and asked the barman where it was. The barman warned him, that it was quite primative and that it was just a plank over a hole in the ground. Nothing fancy in the outback. The sailor said he would be fine and toddled of to do his business. Half an hour later the sailor returns covered from head to toe in crap. The barman asked him what happened. The sailor said. "I was doing fine till some bastard came in and said 'What stupid place to leave a wheel barrow' and then tipped me down the hole!"

[Juniper]

A store owner hires a young woman who loves mini-skirts. A young man walks in, glances at her, and spots some raisin bread on the top shelf.

"Some raisin bread, please." The man says.

She climbs a ladder to reach the bread, and the man looks up her skirt, admiring the view. By the time she 's back on the ground, there's a line of men behind the first young man. Each one asks for raisin bread.

The line steadily diminishes as the shop assistant gets more and more pissed off. Eventually, there's just one old man left.

"Is yours raisin too?" the girl asks him frostily.

"Nope," says the old man. "But it's starting to twitch."

[Juniper]

My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.
”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?
You would too if you were named Auuurraaagggghhhkk!

What is thirty feet long and smells like urine?
Line dancing at a nursing home.

Which is the odd one out: a woman, a microwave or a fridge?
The microwave, the other two leak when they’re fucked.

Bungee jumping is like getting a blowjob off your granny,
It feels great but for Christs sake don't look down.

[Banditbandit]

A Canadian hunter has shot many game animals, but has never shot a bear. He decides he wants to add that to his list, so he heads off to bear Country. Finding a hunting and fishing shop, he goes inside and tells then he is there to hunt bears. The owner hands him a gun and some ammunition and says “Just drive half a mile east. You will find a small path through the forest which will take you to a lake. There will be bears there.

The hunter heads off, finds the path and walks to the lake. As he reaches the edge of the forest he sees a bear by the water. “It can’t be that easy,” he says. But anyway, he takes aim, fires and the bear falls over. The hunter walks down to the lake front, but there is no sign of the bear. Suddenly, there is a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to face The Bear.

“That hurt,” says the bear, who throws the hunter on the ground and buggers him severely.

The hunter staggers back to his car and drives back to the shop. “I shot a bear, but he didn’t die,” the hunter says.
“Ah,” says the owner. “The ammunition must not be strong enough. Here, try this tomorrow.” And he gives the hunter another box of ammunition.

The next day, the hunter walks down to the lake and sees a bear by the water edge. He shoots it and the bear falls over. He walks down, but there is no sign of the bear. Again, there’s a tap on his shoulder. “That REALLY HURT,” says the bear, and proceeds to bugger him mercilessly.

The hunter staggers back to his car and gets back to the shop. He tells the proprietor that again he shot a bear, but it didn’t die.
“Ah,” says the owner, “clearly you need a bigger gun.” He takes down a gun and hands it to the hunter with more ammunition. “Use this tomorrow and you’ll be sure to bag a bear.

The hunter sets off, and again finds a bear by the lake. Again he shoots the bear which falls over. He walks down to the lake and again the bear has gone. Again he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and looks the bear straight in the eye. The bear looks back and says:

“You’re not here for the hunting are you ?

[Juniper]

So Her Majesty the Queen is visiting an Army Hospital and in one of the wards starts talking to the patients.
HM. to 1st Soldier. "And what are you in for soldier?"
1st Soldier. "It's a bit embarrasing Ma'am, but I've got piles."
HM. "Oh dear. And what is the cure?"
1st Soldier. "Wire brush and Detol, Ma'am."
HM. And what's your greatest wish?"
1st Soldier. "To get back to active duty and serve you Ma'am."
HM. "Good show. Carry on.
HM. to 2nd Soldier. "And what are you in for soldier?"
2nd Soldier. "It's a bit embarrasing Ma'am, but I've got syphilis."
HM. "Oh dear. And what is the cure?"
2nd Soldier. "Wire brush and Detol, Ma'am."
HM. And what's your greatest wish?"
2nd Soldier. "To get back to active duty and serve you Ma'am."
HM. "Good show. Carry on.
HM. to 3rd Soldier. "And what are you in for soldier?"
3rd Soldier, in a croaky voice. "Laryngitis."
HM. "Oh dear. And what is the cure?"
3rd Soldier. "Wire brush and Detol, Ma'am."
HM. And what's your greatest wish?"
3rd Soldier. "To get the treatment before those two do."

[Juniper]

Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Even at that stage they won’t stop to ask directions.

What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one in million chance of becoming a human being.

[Juniper]

There is a long line of people at the airline counter waiting to check in. A man storms to the front of the queue, bypassing the people in line, and demands to be checked in straight away.

Lady behind counter (lbc). "You will have to line up and wait your turn like everybody else."

Man. "Do you know who I am?"

LBC, into microphone over the PA. "We have a man at the passenger check-in who doesn't know who he is. If his Mother is in the terminal would she please collect him from desk 14."

Man, storming off. "Fuck you!"

LBC. "You will also have to line up and wait your turn like everybody else."

[Juniper]

John Wayne is in a fancy restaurant with a bunch of his celebrity buddies, and has to go to the bathroom after a few drinks. Conversation continues, and in a few minutes The Duke comes back out, drenched from head to toes and smelling like a urinal.

"Jesus, what happened?" asks one of his friends, aghast.

"Walllll, it happens every time I go to a public john." he replies. "I walk in, and everyone turns around. 'It's John Wayne! John Wayne? John Wayne!'"

[Juniper]

Little Red Ridng Whore went walking throu the woods and a big bad wolf jumped out and said..." hahaha. I'm gonna eat you".

Little Red Riding Whore replied.
.." eat, eat,eat....doesn't anybody want to fuck anymore????"

[Juniper]

I was going into a store the other day and heard these girls talking about equal rights. I then proceeded to open the door for a gal and then walk into the place ahead of these people, not holding it for them. They got annoyed. I said its equal rights, you can open your own door just as well as I can for myself. They replied "You held the door open for that women" I said "yeah, but she had a body i wanted to watch walk by, you don't"

[Swoop]

It's not a real recession until your internet is cut off and you have to masturbate to the woman in a red bikini on the Special K box.

[ac3_snow]

It's not a real recession until your internet is cut off and you have to masturbate to the woman in a red bikini on the Special K box.

lingerie section of the Farmers catalogue ;)

[bogan]

lingerie section of Farmers

fixed that for you... :sunny:

[Jeff Sichoe]

What's the difference between a Maori and a Park bench?


The Bench can support a family

hiiiyooo!

[Juniper]

A biker and his ol' lady go to the doctor because she's complaining of a persistent itch in a very private spot. After examining her, the doc walks to the waiting room and says to the biker, 'Sir, your wife has acute vaginitus.'

The biker replies, 'Yeah, I like it myself. So what the fuck's wrong with her?'

And a different but still kinda funny version:

Two people at the old folks home who decide to have a bit of funny business. They go back to his room and he strips off and gets on the bed while she is taking off her blouse and bra.
She. "I have to warn you that I have acute Anigina."
He. "Well I hope it looks better than your saggy tits."

[Juniper]

The godfather of a major crime family was sitting in a room when he had one of his lieutenants summon a young wannabe to speak to him.
Tony, the young wannabe quickly arrived, eager to speak to the boss.
" godfather, how can I be of service to the family?"
The godfather replied, " Tony, are you sure you will do anything for the family, anything I tell you?".
Tony replied, " yes godfather, anything"
The boss then told him to go into another room and watch porn on the VCR then masturbate to completion .
Tony did as told and came back in the room.
The boss said " good man, now... Go and do it again"
Tony complied, and was told to do it again, then again.
After the sixth time , Tony returned, he pleaded with the boss...
"please godfather, I've done as asked, but I have nothing left, I can't possibly do it again, in fact I won't be able to have sex for a week !"
godfather replied..." good, here's the keys to my Caddilac, now go and pick up my daughter at the airport".

[Juniper]

Unstuck saw this and for some reason thought of you:

"Take me back to your place and fuck me up the arse!" Some fat girl demanded last night.

"I would but I don't have any lubricant," I said.

"Oh you won't need any, I'm very loose," she winked.

"Maybe so," I replied, "but my door frame is very narrow."

[unstuck]

Unstuck saw this and for some reason thought of you:

"Take me back to your place and fuck me up the arse!" Some fat girl demanded last night.

"I would but I don't have any lubricant," I said.

"Oh you won't need any, I'm very loose," she winked.

"Maybe so," I replied, "but my door frame is very narrow."

Cheeky bitch:bleh:. I wouldn't of bothered taking them home, if they were that fat I would of taken them to a paddock instead.:devil2:

[Juniper]

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinntt County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:
'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?"

[unstuck]

:lol::lol::clap::clap:

[Kornholio]

:lol::lol::clap::clap:

I agree...... :D

[unstuck]

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls? A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
Q: What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? A: Your job still sucks!
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist? A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision? A: a rip off
Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck ? A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them
Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? A: Tug-of-whore.
Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection? A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.
Q: Why do they call it PMS? A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!

[Juniper]

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls? A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
Q: What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? A: Your job still sucks!
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist? A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision? A: a rip off
Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck ? A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them
Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? A: Tug-of-whore.
Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection? A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.
Q: Why do they call it PMS? A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!

Yes. Just yes!! Love!!


Thank you guys. Glad you enjoy my stuff.
I'm sick and twisted and proud!!

[unstuck]

I'm sick and twisted and proud!!

Brilliant, keep up the good work then.:headbang::headbang:

[Drew]

If we're all done with the tongues in bum holes then, make with sick jokes again.

Builder puts some walls in at a whore house. When he's done ye gives the madam his bill.

She proceeds to undress, and says he can have her any way he wants to pay the bill in trade.

The builder thinks about it for a minute while the lady of the night turns and bends over. He puts two fingers in her pussy, and his thumb up her arse and says. "Now pay the fucken invoice lady, or the petition goes"!

[unstuck]

Builder puts some walls in at a whore house. When he's done ye gives the madam his bill.

She proceeds to undress, and says he can have her any way he wants to pay the bill in trade.

The builder thinks about it for a minute while the lady of the night turns and bends over. He puts two fingers in her pussy, and his thumb up her arse and says. "Now pay the fucken invoice lady, or the petition goes"!

Then what did you do drew?:devil2:

I think you meant "partition" too.:bleh:

[Drew]

Then what did you do drew?:devil2:

I think you meant "partition" too.:bleh:

Fucken auto correct!

[Kornholio]

[QUOTE=unstuck;1130619156]
Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection? A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.

Auto-correct too?

[unstuck]

[QUOTE=unstuck;1130619156]
Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection? A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.

Auto-correct too?

Fuck off, thats copy and paste. I cant spell that well.:laugh::laugh:

[haydes55]

[QUOTE=unstuck;1130619156]
Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection? A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.

Auto-correct too?

What do you call a dumb bitch with a yeast infection?

A quarter ponder with cheese.

[Juniper]

My wife was only 23 when she committed suicide after she found out that I'd once had sex with her mum.

I mean god, that was nearly 24 years ago, shouldn't affect her!

[Juniper]

An oldie but a goodie!: :facepalm:

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem was that she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.

So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks?
Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her."
"Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?
"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

[Juniper]

I have been looking for this one for ages!!

One day in the Mental Institution, a Sadist, a Masochist, a Murderer, a Necrophile, a Zoophile, and a Pyromaniac are sitting on a bench feeling bored. 'Let's have sex with a cat!' said the Zoophile. 'Let's have sex with a cat and torture it!' said the Sadist. 'Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, then kill it!' said the Murderer.'Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it and have sex with it again!' said the Necrophile. 'Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then set fire to it!' said the Pyromaniac. There was a moment of silence, then the Masochist said 'Meow'.

[Juniper]

Herb decided to propose to Sandi, but prior to her acceptance Sandi had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered from a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandi in the eyes and said..."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married. "She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis. "Sandi and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandi off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another... As Sandi put her hands in Herb"s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!" "Yes, it is..." exclaimed Herb, "8 pounds, 7 ounces, and 20 inches long!"

[Juniper]

What is the hardest part about eating a bald pussy?

Putting the diaper back on

[Juniper]

Bigotry: What a nigger wants to climb when he sees the Klan coming.
(Say it out loud if you don't get it.)

[Juniper]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
"What are all those clocks?" the man asked.
St. Peter answered "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has one. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move"
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where is Peter Marshalls clock?"
"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[Juniper]

Brad Pitt is said to be heartbroken that Angelina Jolie is now considering having her ovaries removed, too.

Friends have confirmed he fears she's trying to leave him bit by bit

[nadroj]

There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.
She does and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."
She does, and then he says again, "A little wider, hon."
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.
This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"
So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?"
He says, "No, I'm trying to get them out."

[Banditbandit]

Ya Know... .There Is Something To Be Said About The Burka ... I can see now why the arab men what to make their women wear them.

You know it hides all that natural beauty.

If you click on the picture of the Burka you can see why too.

Go ahead...it's not that bad.... I promise.

Do you trust me?

Go on................ give it a click................



http://i.imgur.com/4eqo5Nd.jpg

[Drew]

Ya Know... .There Is Something To Be Said About The Burka ... I can see now why the arab men what to make their women wear them.

You know it hides all that natural beauty.

If you click on the picture of the Burka you can see why too.

Go ahead...it's not that bad.... I promise.

Do you trust me?

Go on................ give it a click................



http://i.imgur.com/4eqo5Nd.jpgArrrrrggggghhhhh my eyes. The goggles, they do nothing!

[Madness]

Arrrrrggggghhhhh my eyes. The goggles, they do nothing!

Drew, meet Akzle.

[unstuck]

Ya Know... .There Is Something To Be Said About The Burka ... I can see now why the arab men what to make their women wear them.

You know it hides all that natural beauty.

If you click on the picture of the Burka you can see why too.

Go ahead...it's not that bad.... I promise.

Do you trust me?

Go on................ give it a click................

You got Its number bro? :blip::devil2:

[Maha]

You got Its number bro? :blip::devil2:

0800 666 :confused: tis the spawn of Eddie.

[slofox]

Sacred fucking shit...:crazy:

[Swoop]

Americans are great at proving stereotypes with their government,

They put a Texan in charge and they went looking for oil.

They placed a black man in charge, now it's run out of money and it's stopped working.

[Banditbandit]

Arrrrrggggghhhhh my eyes. The goggles, they do nothing!

Well - I did put it in the Sick Jokes thread ... that should have told you something ...

[Akzle]

Well - I did put it in the Sick Jokes thread ... that should have told you something ...

i wonder at what you typed into google to find that....

She has pretty eyes though...

[unstuck]

She ..

Are you sure???:confused:

[Banditbandit]

i wonder at what you typed into google to find that....

She has pretty eyes though...

I didn't Google it - a mate sent the link .. I thought you all deserved it ...


Are you sure???:confused:

Pretty sure - but maybe hermaphrodite ...

[Juniper]

I'm a fan of pedo jokes tbh.

What's 1 good thing about pedos? At least they slow down around schools. :shit:

[Smifffy]

Well - I did put it in the Sick Jokes thread ... that should have told you something ...

Whereas you you were tempted to post it in the pics that make you jizz thread?

[Juniper]

What Do You Call

the useless flesh around a vagina?



A woman.

[Juniper]

Guy orders a bowl of soup

When the waitress sets the bowl down on the table, the guy notices, she has her thumb in her soup.

The guy says, "I'm not eatiing that soup, after you had your thumb in it."

Waitress says, "Oh yeah, I'm really sorry about that, but I have an infection in my thumb, and my doctor told me to keep it warm and moist."

The guy replies, "Why don't you stick it up your ass then you stupid bitch."

The waitress says, "Oh I do when I'm back in the kitchen."

:sick::puke:

[Juniper]

Husband said, "Darling, let's try something new in the bedroom... I'll get some chocolate spread, some whipped cream, and a few strawberries.

"Then I'll paint my cock with the chocolate spread, and call the kids in for a 'special treat'. Then, one by one, I'll pop the strawberries up my arse, squirt cream down my crack, and while Emily deepthroats me for the last of the chocolate, Jessica can my lick my arsehole and swallow strawberries as I shit them out.

"Then it'll be time to pop their cherries. I'll start with Jess cos she's already 9, she'll be a bit more developed. While I'm fucking her childish vagina, Emily can lick up the blood and get her own tiny cunt ready for a good stretching.

"Then I'll finish off by banging them in the arse a couple of times before squirting my creamy load over their faces. Shall we give it a go?"

His wife looked stunned. "OVER MY DEAD BODY!" she said.

Husband replied, "Fuck me, you're into some weird shit."

[Juniper]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Dakota prairie without water.

His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

'Well, cowboy,' says the genie, 'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy, 'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

POOF

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?'

'My second wish is that I was rich .... beyond my wildest dreams.'

POOF

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

POOF

He was turned into a tampon. Moral of the Story:

If the U.S. government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

[Bassmatt]

Husband said, "Darling, let's try something new in the bedroom... I'll get some chocolate spread, some whipped cream, and a few strawberries.

"Then I'll paint my cock with the chocolate spread, and call the kids in for a 'special treat'. Then, one by one, I'll pop the strawberries up my arse, squirt cream down my crack, and while Emily deepthroats me for the last of the chocolate, Jessica can my lick my arsehole and swallow strawberries as I shit them out.

"Then it'll be time to pop their cherries. I'll start with Jess cos she's already 9, she'll be a bit more developed. While I'm fucking her childish vagina, Emily can lick up the blood and get her own tiny cunt ready for a good stretching.

"Then I'll finish off by banging them in the arse a couple of times before squirting my creamy load over their faces. Shall we give it a go?"

His wife looked stunned. "OVER MY DEAD BODY!" she said.

Husband replied, "Fuck me, you're into some weird shit."

:shit: :sick:

[SMOKEU]

Husband said, "Darling, let's try something new in the bedroom... I'll get some chocolate spread, some whipped cream, and a few strawberries.

"Then I'll paint my cock with the chocolate spread, and call the kids in for a 'special treat'. Then, one by one, I'll pop the strawberries up my arse, squirt cream down my crack, and while Emily deepthroats me for the last of the chocolate, Jessica can my lick my arsehole and swallow strawberries as I shit them out.

"Then it'll be time to pop their cherries. I'll start with Jess cos she's already 9, she'll be a bit more developed. While I'm fucking her childish vagina, Emily can lick up the blood and get her own tiny cunt ready for a good stretching.

"Then I'll finish off by banging them in the arse a couple of times before squirting my creamy load over their faces. Shall we give it a go?"

His wife looked stunned. "OVER MY DEAD BODY!" she said.

Husband replied, "Fuck me, you're into some weird shit."

Now that's really phucked up! :lol:

[Superboss]

Husband said, "Darling, let's try something new in the bedroom... I'll get some chocolate spread, some whipped cream, and a few strawberries.

"Then I'll paint my cock with the chocolate spread, and call the kids in for a 'special treat'. Then, one by one, I'll pop the strawberries up my arse, squirt cream down my crack, and while Emily deepthroats me for the last of the chocolate, Jessica can my lick my arsehole and swallow strawberries as I shit them out.

"Then it'll be time to pop their cherries. I'll start with Jess cos she's already 9, she'll be a bit more developed. While I'm fucking her childish vagina, Emily can lick up the blood and get her own tiny cunt ready for a good stretching.

"Then I'll finish off by banging them in the arse a couple of times before squirting my creamy load over their faces. Shall we give it a go?"

His wife looked stunned. "OVER MY DEAD BODY!" she said.

Husband replied, "Fuck me, you're into some weird shit."

You are disgusting.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk - now Free (http://tapatalk.com/m?id=1)

[haydes55]

You are disgusting.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk - now Free (http://tapatalk.com/m?id=1)


It's great isn't it!

All you people with morals get out of this thread!

[unstuck]

You are disgusting.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk - now Free (http://tapatalk.com/m?id=1)

Maybe this is not the thread for you.:msn-wink:
You did read the thread title didn't you?

[haydes55]

Maybe this is not the thread for you.:msn-wink:
You did read the thread title didn't you?


That reminds me about the time I walked into the ladies toilets... I read the sign on the door and thought "I shouldn't go in here because I have a penis" and walked in anyway.

Some of the ladies faces were priceless, it's hard to show on the pictures...

[Juniper]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ..

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[Juniper]

little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt.

"GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened. So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below. By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates.

"HELL NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there."

"No I don't," she responds.

"Yes you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do."

"No I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself."

With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No, I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there.

"Oh for Christ's sake!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."

He replies, "Well, with the condition of thoe gums I'm not surprised.

[Jeff Sichoe]

With his face that close to her cooter she WOULD have teeth down there anyway... :baby:

[Juniper]

This guy was really sleepy and needed a place to stay for the night. So he sees this barn up the road and asks the guy if he can stay in his barn for the night.
"Sure," says the farmer, "as long as you promise not to stick your winky into the three holes." The man promises, and the farmer leaves him there. Of course, he can't resist, and the farmer is woken up in the middle of the night by screams coming from the barn. The farmer goes down and finds the guy stuck in the third hole.
"What are in these holes?" the guy screams.
"Well," says the farmer, "one of them's my daughter, one's my cow, and one of them's an automatic milking machine that doesn't stop until it gets five gallons."

[Juniper]

It is Rennaissance Italy and Lothario and his friend Giovanni sit at a table outside a cafe in Venice. Lothario enjoys his coffee while Giovanni, obviously depressed, sits staring into his. Lothario notices that Giovanni is upset and asks, "Giovanni, why are you so depressed?"
Giovanni looks at him and says, "Lothario, you see this canal we sit beside, this beautiful Venician canal? I Giovanni designed and built this canal. Do they call me Giovanni the canal builder? No they do not." Giovanni points to a bridge a short way from the cafe. "You see that bridge Lothario? I, Giovanni, designed and built that beautiful bridge and many others like it, but do they call me Giovanni the bridge builder? No they do not" Giovanni then gestures at the buildings that surround them "These houses, these beautiful houses of Venice. I, Giovanni designed and built these houses and do they call me Giovanni the house builder? No they do not" But I screw one sheep..."

[MSTRS]

After two weeks on a desert island with only each other for company, Bob and Geoff are getting horny. "Look" says Bob "Neither of us are gay, but if you pretend to be a woman for me, when I'm done, I'll pretend to be a woman for you". Geoff reluctantly agrees and suffers 10 minutes of painful humiliation as Bob gives it to him as a male. When it's over, Geoff asks Bob for his go. "Fuck off" Bob replies "I've got a headache".

[Juniper]

Expensive Apples
This guy was driving along a country road. Along the side of the road he sees a sign: "Apples, $5.00 each." So he pulls over to the side of the road and asks the farmer why his apples are so expensive. The farmer says, "Well, these are peanut butter and jelly apples." So the guy buys one. He says, "These apples only taste like jelly, where's the peanut butter?" The farmer says, "Turn the apple over and take a bit of the other side." Sure enough the other side tasted like peanut butter.
So he continues on his way and along the side of the road he sees another sign: "Apples, $20.00 each." So he gets out and asks the farmer why these apples are so expensive. "These are ham and cheese apples," the farmer says. So the guy buys one. The apple only tasted like ham, so he asked the farmer why and he said, "Turn the apple over and you will taste the cheese."
Then he is driving down the road again and he sees another sign: "Apples, $50.00 each." So he asks the farmer, "What's up with these apples being so expensive?" The farmer tells him they are vagina apples. So the guy buys one.
He takes a bite into the apple and says "This apple tastes like shit!" And the farmer says, "Turn it over."

[Juniper]

So little Johnny is being taken to the Zoo for the first time, by his parents.
He is amazed at all the different kinds of animals. When he gets to the Elephant enclosure he asks his Mother. "What's that thing hanging down between his legs?"
Mother. "Oh, that's his trunk."
Johnny. "No, at the other end?"
Mother. "It's nothing dear."
Johnny thern asks his Father what the thing is.
Father. "It's his Donger."
Johhny. "But Mum says it's nothing!"
Fathr. "I know. Your Mother has been spoiled."

[caspernz]

Fella rings his boss early one morning: "Say boss, I won't be in today. I'm pretty sick."

Boss: "Geez we're already short staffed, how sick are you?"

Fella: "Well, I'm in bed with my sister...."

[Qkchk]

Recently I was out with one of our drivers down in the deep south (he is a lovely chap) who suffers from Parkinsons. He is due for retirement soon and still very positive about life.

Told me that he was warned by his physio one day 'with Parkinsons, to never stand outside a school with you hands in your pockets'. :blink:

[Juniper]

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."

Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.

"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"

[Juniper]

"Please don't make me daddy. I don't like it!" My son whined, trying to wriggle free, "It smells of pee and tastes disgusting."

"That's a horrible thing to say!" I scolded, "Now stop being so silly and go and give your Nana a kiss."

[Juniper]

I remember the best piece of sex advice my Mum ever gave me.

"That's it, that's the spot, right there."

[Juniper]

I saw on the news...

That the media are now allowed to name rape suspects.

I'd like 'Nightstalker' if it's not already taken.

[Juniper]

My girlfriend has just been out and bought a dominatrix outfit.

Also known as a wedding dress.

[Juniper]

What's the height of bad taste?

Shoving five raw oysters up your gran's cunt but sucking out six.

[nadroj]

What's the sign of desperation?

Teeth marks in the toilet seat!

[Juniper]

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the butt of the other.

"So what's going on here?" he asks.

The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."

The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT."

The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"

[Drew]

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the butt of the other.

"So what's going on here?" he asks.

The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."

The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT."

The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"Fucken Honda riders.

[Juniper]

There was this guy who had been to about every bar in town. So one
night, he hopped into a taxi cab and told the driver to take him to
the best bar in town. The cabby took him to a bar, where he got
half-drunk. He hopped into the same cab and said that the bar wasn't
good enough -- take him to another one. The cabby took him to another
bar, where the guy had the time of his life.

The next morning, this guy was in yet another bar telling his buddy
what a good time he had the night before, but he couldn't remember
where he was. All he could remember was a red door and a golden toilet
seat.

"Man, we gotta find this place," said his buddy.

So the two spent half the day searching for a bar with a red door
until they found one. They walked in, and the guy asked the bartender,
"Was I here last night and too drunk to tell? All I remember is a red
door and a golden toilet seat."

The bartender hollered to the back, "HEY, FRED. HERE'S THAT SON OF A
BITCH WHO TOOK A SHIT IN YOUR TUBA LAST NIGHT."

[Juniper]

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one
of his aides nervously approach him.

"What is it?" yells the President.

"It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about
it?" the aide asks.

"Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.

[Juniper]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[Superboss]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

Good one


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[Juniper]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said 'Son we'd give you one but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked 'Son where are you going?' Little Joseph told him;

'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage and no bloody bike!