What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

"Prince Harry paranoid he will be DEPORTED"

Not half as paranoid as his brother.




Donald Trump is now saying he’s ready to run a "different kind of presidency" right,

He’s prepared to make the big transition from,

Trainwreck to Shitshow...



Iran's currency falls to an all-time low after Trump’s win.
They are in Rial trouble.



Anyone else think it's ironic that Trump got voted in because of democracy?




First Hillary, now Kamala.

What were the Democrats thinking?

Trump has a proven track record of beating women.



Commentator last week:

'Will abortion determine the result of the Presidential Election?'

In a way it did, they voted for a walking abortion.




After a hard fought but ultimately unsuccesful election campaign by the Democrats, Joe Biden has expressed his condolences to Hillary Clinton for her loss.




We are unburdened by what will never be.



I haven't seen a man beat a woman this bad since the Olympics



That's the most impressive comeback since the inaugural launch of the boomerang



For all the Trump haters out there, why don't you go and cry four more tears?



Trump 2: The Follow Through



In the wake of the American election, my wife wasn't pleased with the result. She suggested we watch a movie together. I've made the perfect choice:

Scream 2.




Typical Americans, always having to go one better!

In Britain, on November 5th we burn down effigies of Guy Fawkes.

In America, they've just burned down 250 years of democracy.



A few days ago, Biden called Trump supporters and Trump "garbage."

Now, Trump is the one that's taking out the trash !!




Thank god.

Last thing we needed was a president who would use the nuclear launch codes for 5 days every month



I got roped into watching the Melbourne Cup and I still can't tell whether this is a rally for Harris or Trump.



Trump spent his last speech meandering, a pattern he has taken to calling the weave.
“I may be the greatest weaver of all time, but what happens only brilliant people can do that,” he said.
Is he talking about his hair?




"Donald Trump has a cult following".
They were SO close with the spelling..





I met a girl last night called Maria Heinz

She was a bit on the saucy side.



I'm sick of fireworks. It's like porn! The same shit I've seen a thousand times before.

and it always involves my family.




What's a Hindu?

Crosses the road mostly, but there's some debate as to why.



I've noticed that people who wear jogging bottoms are usually the least likely to actually jog...



When Chris Martin fell through that trapdoor he made a yelp like a little girl.

But that's just how he always sings.




Chris Martin is okay!
It's just a stage he's going through.




Chris Martin fell through trapdoor in Melbourne stage.

He was singing ‘Yell Ow!’.





My girlfriend asked me if I thought female comedians were funny.

I said "Are you kidding? Women are hysterical!"




All these years later, my grandfather still suffers badly from Shell shock.

He never got over it hitting a pound a gallon.



A guy walks into a bar and sits beside another guy and immediately notices he has a giant cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow! That's a huge lighter! Where'd you get it?" The other guy replies, "A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."

"Cool! Can I try it?"

"Sure."

The first guy rubs the bottle and a genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie.

The guy replies excitedly, "I want a million bucks!"

"Your wish is granted." And the genie disappears.

A few minutes pass and then suddenly the bar door swings open and in pour ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks fall over each other and fill up the bar.

"I can't believe this!" says the guy who just made his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy responds, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"



What do dogs tell their owners to take them for in Wisconsin?


Milwaukees



I don't understand all this LGTBQ stuff, can someone give me a straight answer?





A coworker told me this joke recently when I told him to "tell me a joke"

What happens when you drink food colouring?

You dye a little on the inside

[Piper]

"Reclaim an anacroym from the lefties,
LGBTQ
Really stands for"Let's get back Trump
quickly."


*Prince William has vowed to Be Royal with
a small 'r" Typical Windsor.
History uncle likes to be 'Royal with small
'r' (ses)' too "

[Piper]

"Holding a climate change COP26 in
oil-producing Azerbaijan is like holding
a stop crime convention in Liverpool."

[Bikkie]

The sale's are on?

And there's me thinking black Friday was the nigger out of Robinson Crusoe



The difference between booze and weed?

Five drunk people will start a fight.

Five stoned people will start a band.



Ringo Starr couldn't play the drums or sing.

Listen to him narrating Thomas The Tank Engine, he even talks out of tune.




What do you call it when two Zimbabwean lesbians have sex?

The Rhodesian bush war




How does a plumber pay for his bus fare?

Tap on

Tap off




Economists are speculating whether Donald Trump will follow through with his plans.

Perhaps those adult baby nappies will be necessary after all.




I couldn't believe the stupid dispute I got into with this salesgirl working in this store's lingerie department

I pointed out, "There's no fucking sign here saying 'You sniff it, you buy it !'."



My wife was still sobbing over the Trump election and moaned, "How can so many people choose Darkness over Light !?"

"Actually, they correctly chose Lightness over Dark."



I've never understood why a woman being able to knot a cherry stem with her tongue is supposed to be a turn on. I mean, if I'm sticking my cock in her mouth I want her to suck it, not tie the shaft into a bow.

It would be a bigger turn on if she just flirtatiously showed me how she could suck the whole cherry up through a drinking straw !



I went to this S&M brothel and the mistress said,

"I hope you're used to pain. "

"Of course I am, "I replied, "I'm married. "



" Have it YOUR way! " , I said enthusiastically over the counter to the teenage girl I was serving during my first morning working at Burger King


I was then fired on the spot, my exposed genitals were covered up, and I was bundled into the back of a police van



Just been to a pub called the goalkeepers arms.

What a fucking dive.



Some days, I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots. Other days, I realise it's not just some days...




Facebook should show mutual blocks instead of mutual friends. Nothing brings people together like how much you hate some of those cunts.



I've just done the most painful, constipated shit ever and my apple watch asked me if I want to record this workout.



Why do Crypto currency owners have conferences?.

I remember when the pound coin replaced the pound note. We didn't feel the need for a get together.



I've just watched an epic porn film starring the invisible man.

That plot twist at the end? I really didn't see it coming.



Mattel Toys say that they have mistakenly printed a porn site URL on the packaging for dolls of characters from the Wicked movie.

Let's hope they don't make a similar error with Hot Weals.



I've decided to identify as a Kamala Harris voter


My pronouns are Skinny / Latte



Son:
Dad, what does gay mean?
Dad:
It means happy son.
Son:
Are you gay daddy?
Dad:
No son, I married your mum.



I got home from work and my wife was sat in front of the fire with her legs wide open.
"What on Earth are you doing?" I said,
"Warming tea up, " she replied.
"Fuck me," I answered, "how many's coming?"




Coldplay frontman Chris Martin has saved a young boy from being crushed at the band's recent Sydney concert.

Poor bugger was trying to escape.


I just tried to get onto the dark web.

It directed me to the black website.

It didn't work.



Went to the Innuendo Appreciation Society's annual dinner last night.

After some Pulled Pork and Jerk Sauce we had some nice Juicy Melons.




It's not generally known that Gladys Knight suffered from OCD.

Every hour on the hour, she'd check her watch accuracy against the radio.




I'm reading a book called, 'Fear of Sunlight'.

By Gladys Knight.



My dyslexic mate reckons Queen Camilla is being threatened by a bishop or a knight.
After hearing she has a chess problem.




Anyone who thinks TV channels aren't racist against whites should ask MTV why it's mainly blacks on Catfish.



You know you're a thick fuck when the other contestants on The Chase tell you to go for the biggest amount.



Someone found a plastic disc with a hole in the middle…Police think it could be a record.



I love the way my nine year old son is preparing for adulthood and it's pitfalls. He spent all his money on a dolls house and gave it his little girlfriend next door saying,


"Here you might as well have a house now instead of taking one off me in twenty years. "



Relatively speaking, my uncle is my mother's brother.



The FBI interviewed Mike Score of the band A Flock Of Seagulls for intel on the next plot to assassinate Donald Trump.
When asked where it may come from he replied "Iran, Iran so far away"



My dyslexic pal says he'll never get over the demise of Jean Charles de Menezes


" I used to love popping in there for some fags or a tin of sweets before getting on the train ", he added


(Nobody under 40 will get this)




They say that every body piercing has a story behind it.

My story is: I'm clumsy with sharp objects.




We don't use the N word in the public sector.

We say Community Project.




Paddy runs in to a chemists...."A packet of Pyrex please"
"Don't you mean Durex"?
"No, Pyrex...I've got a date with a hot dish"!



I hate this cold.

I've gone through more tissues than Katie Price at a glory hole convention.



Watched "the day of the jackal" on sky,all that skill,weaponry and imagination and he chose not to execute any of the hundreds of niggers that are in the fuckin thing!



Pub called The Midget changes name after lecturer says it is offensive. The Oxfordshire establishment opened in 1974 and was named after MG’s famous car. The lecturer has made a career out her dwarfism (book and similar protests).

I thank the Telegraph for bringing this to our attention and share a couple of the readers' comments in the hope that they will strike a chord here:

I doubt her book is a best seller. Probably a small print run.

If it had been MGBGT the alphabet mob would have been apoplectic.

She must have spent years looking for something on which to grind her axe.

Apparently they serve short measures.

How small minded.

I feel like there’s a joke here… but it’d probably just go over her head.

Apparently 6 out of seven dwarfs are never Happy.

She’s Welsh, based in Liverpool and a dwarf. Life hasn’t been kind to her.

Over to you...



Arabs. Even the way they read is backwards.



Fairy tales for the modern age.

Black snow and the seven paralympians
Jill Bean and the stalker.
Gaydilocks and the 3 buff lumberjacks.
Rape-unzel (An Eastern European girl is trafficked and kept as a sex slave in a London tower block)
Ali Baba and the 40,000 innocent asylum seekers.
Lesborella (Dominated by her ugly straight white step brothers) Lesborella meets a beautiful Princess at a club but has to leave to catch the 10pm train.
The princess tracks her down with the aid of the glass Dr Martin Boot she left behind at the club.
They marry, adopt several kids and get divorced 2 years later.



Well, at least we know how Nellie the Elephant voted.

Trump, Trump, Trump.




I've got Paul Simon to invest in my street food truck outside a Saudi Arabian football stadium. I'm calling the business, 'You Can Call Me Al-Halal'.




Donald Trump: Now the proud owner of the worlds most expensive 'Get Out Of Jail Free' card.

[Piper]

"The world's oldest man has died.
That is false.Keith Richards is still alive.


Back when I used to coach,I encouraged
my clients by shouting at them the Rocky
quote -"Be More Man than him!!"
Most of the ladies with an MMA match
against some huge tranny, and stormed
out of the Octagon."


PETA has demanded that The Sly Old Fox Pub
in Birmingham changes it's name,as it's
'demeaning' to foxes
Yeah,if one of them walked by and read the sign
I'm sure they'd be inconsolable..


"Trump plans to kick transgender troops out
of the military, with 15,000 service members
to be 'medically discharged ' on his first
day in office.
Klinger finally gets to come home "


Rod Stewart is the first act confirmed for
Glastonbury 2025
Wheelchair access is provided.

[Piper]

"Black Friday must have been a bitch
in slave days."


"The pied piper of Hamelin, Black Friday
special...two for the price of none "


"It's Black Friday, and at my local shop people
are lining up around the block for a bargain.
Then this posh twat in a suit comes to the
front and is told to get to the back, before
he could answer he gets beaten up by a few
people in line.
He gets up and tries to get to the front again
and is knocked down.He takes a few more
kicks and punches,then he shouts,"If you don't
fucking stop then I'm not opening the shop."


"It's Black Friday, and the Lego store
is having a sale,
People are lined up for blocks." :)

[Piper]

The new Conservative party advent calendar
this year can only be sold to over 18's.
That's because there are pictures of cunts,
dicks and tits behind each door.


My grandson wants a train set for
Christmas but I can't get one anywhere.
I hope he won't mind if I get him a
replacement bus service.


Emir of Qatar BANNED from UK GAY
Club for fighting.
So the king is a Queen.

[Bikkie]

Trump announces plan to annex Canada and rename it Gay North Dakota




I've started a thing with Oral B.

She's Mel's sister.



It's not a hate speech if you enjoy it.



I'm glad I'm not dyslexic. I wouldn't want a "male order bride" from Thailand.



When I was a nipper, having a 'dry night' meant I didn't wet the bed.

As an adult, having a 'dry night' means I didn't get plastered.

And wet the bed.



The BBC currently has presenters of Bargain Hunt, Masterchef and The Repair Shop suspected of offences against adult females.

It's the only organisation in the world that could consider that an improvement.




I used to think that Ravens had six pinion feathers and Crows had five, then someone told me it was the other way round and Crows had six pinion feathers and Ravens five.
Either way, it's a matter of a pinion.



Just bought holiday insurance for my camping trip I've just read the small print and if my tent blows away I'm not covered



I want to live in a world where rainbows remind me of a beautiful display of nature and not 2 dudes in the same bed.



British champion diver Tom Daley isn't gay but he does want to be a woman.

That's why he stands in front of the mirror in the 'tuck' position.




My grandson wants a train set for Christmas but I can't get one anywhere.

I hope he won't mind if I get him a replacement bus service.



TOP TIP: Middle-aged men.

Console your wife and restore pride in your marriage by telling her that thanks to your chronic premature ejaculation, you'll never again lose a game of soggy biscuit.



The wife's annoyed with me.

I asked her if she wanted a picnic.

Silly cow got all dressed up for a chocolate bar.




For a change, I had Ham and Tomato and my wife had Cheese and Pickle.

We thought we'd experiment with Roll reversal.



I took my daughter to a panto put on by my employers, Proctor and Gamble.

My daughter said "That woman with the wand with a star on top. I don't think she's a real woman".

"That's right" I said. "The fairy is non-biological".



This really fit single blond with big boobs lives right across the street to me and I can see her place from my patio.
Anyway, I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I rushed to open it, she looked straight at me and said...
"I just got home, and...
I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and make love!
Are you doing anything tonight?"...
I quickly replied... "Nope, I'm free!"
She said, "Great!...
Could you watch my dog?




I ran into someone I hadn't seen for a long time and I asked him how his son Tom was doing.

"He's now a broad !"

"Heh, he had a sex-change done then..... I always knew that kid was a little fairy..."

"No, I mean he's just doing a term in Barcelona."



If you finish with your girl on top riding you, does that count as her being a babysitter?

And when she gets up to get off of you, does that count as dropping the kids off to dad?




As a married man, I can honestly say that my wife and I have always shared the same goal

To make her happy




My wife convinced me to marry her by singing “Single Ladies” by Beyonce. She would walk around the house naked, singing, “If you like it then you should’ve put a ring on it.”

I’ll be singing the same thing when I divorce her.

She won’t do anal.



Waiter is taking an order in a restaurant. He asks the customer "Do you have any nut allergies?". Customer says "Cashew". He says "Fucking hell that's a bad'un!".




What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron




All the fat, feminazi girls and women that are salty about Trump's crushing victory are turning up with freshly shaved heads at the family Thanksgiving dinner, in signs of protest !

And here's Trump already delivering on his promises, making sure Amercian families now have more than one turkey at the table




"I don't want to die a virgin," I told the genie.

"You're now immortal," he replied.



My wife came down as we were ready to go out, she was dressed in a see through dress which clearly showed her large firm breasts and erect nipples, the outline of her beautiful shaven vagina was visible as well.

"Wow, " I said, "sometimes I need reminding of why I married you," I said.

"Because of my beautiful body?" she replied,

"No," I answered, "because you're such a fucking slut. "



t
Idiots often ask 'If we came from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?' when the answer is very simple

People who live in Bradford originate from where the sun is very hot, so they have to be like a non-stick pan

[Piper]

My wife hinted she's "hoping to get a
ring" this year at Christmas.
Sorted... I'm drinking my beer on the
coffee table with no coaster.


"If Merry Christmas offends you...
Then Merry Fucking Christmas!"


A reminder from my Chinese friends:
A puppy isn't just for Christmas -you can
have the leftovers on Boxing Day.


Does anyone know if Mrs Brown's Boys
Christmas special is a repeat this year,or
have I got to smash another fucking
telly?





Santa simply cannot be black
A black Santa would be seen LEAVING the
property with a sack of presents


I just found my Christmas spirit
It was on the shelf at Liquor Land
all the time.


No matter what I do with our kids,the wife
is always finding fault with me.I bought
our two year-old daughter her first jigsaw
for Christmas but, typically,the wife went
fucking mental.
Some bollocks about...."too young for power
tools."


I got pulled over while driving home for
Christmas.
My Rea light was defective.




According to a new poll, most British
people think that Santa clause is a Labour
man.

Which is odd, because when you think,

"fat old white man who hires unskilled
Labour," you think conservative.


All the major betting companies are
changing the definition of a white Christmas.
You will now only win the bet if a white face
appears on the BBC over the Christmas
period.

My kids have been in my ear about going
to a Pantomime this Christmas,so I found
tickets for the best one in town.
Tottenham V Wolves on December 29th .


Jay-Z has decided to change his
name in tribute to his black
heritage.
From now on he will be known as
Lay-Z


Prince Andrew invited an alleged
Chinese spy to Buckingham
Palace.
He was bribed with Sum Yung Ho.


Prince Andrew invited Chinese spy to
Palace
Those corgis better watch out.


Andrew could starve this Christmas, He's
been disinvited from Sandringham;
And the government's banned him from
Chinese takeaways!


I empathise with Prince Andrew's
situation, it's not pleasant.
No fucker wanted to be anywhere
near me the last time I had a dodgy
Chinese either.


Stella Creasy: 'JK Rowling is wrong -a
woman can have a penis""
I half agree.A woman can certainly be a
prick"


Scientists are saying that pig hearts may
soon be transplanted into humans.
Which is good news for everyone except
Jewish and Muslim people....


I wonder if it was a total mistake when
JAY Z and BEYONCE first got together all
because the personal assistant to Jay z got
it wrong at the time when Jay z said he wants
to fuck destiny's child!

[Piper]

Don't panic guys,keep your peckers up,it
will soon be over, the season of good
will to all men ( no mention of women? )
will only last another 3 days

[Piper]

"What's is a New Year's resolution?
Something that goes in one year and out
the other."

[Piper]

Next time you get,'Liverpool have won
the league more times than anybody else,'
remind them Rangers 55 times or Celtic 54.


Mark Williams: Former World Champion
requires oxygen during match
I can't speak for him or anyone else, but I
need it all the time.

[Piper]

A study just came out that shows
decreasing the amount of sugar in obse
children's diet improves their health within
10 day.
The study was conducted by a bunch of
jerks trying to ruin Easter...


Are you having a bad day?
Just remember, some idiot out there is
pulling a door that says push.


Graham Norton will soon embark on his
first ever live tour of Australia.
I bet he starts off in Sidney.


Duke and Duchess of Sussex hug survivors
of Los Angeles wildfires -as if they
hadn't suffered enough already!


A movie is being made featuring a black
Superman.He's the man of steal.


With the new secret service coming in for the new president
they won't be saying "get down", they will be saying
"Donald Duck!"


Scots mental health nurse sparked mass brawl
in Glasgow nightclub and struck a man with
a shoe
Yeah, that health nurse does sound kind of
mental.


Gordon Ramsey deeply apologise to everyone
he ever called a donkey.
After months of self reflection, he came to the
realisation that it wasn't fair on the donkeys.


Easter is still months away yet but today I
saw big chocolate eggs in the supermarket.
Then the black teen spotted me staring
down her top

[Piper]

Raise your hand if you watched Elon
Musk's speech last night?

[Piper]

Elon Musk gives Nazi salute
"It was toe-curling embarrassing for us all,"
said several Nazis.


Elon Musk has come out in defence of his
photo

"I was NOT giving a Nazi salute," He said in a
statement.
I first touched my heart, then threw
out love to the people there.
I threw out love to the people of the United
States.
I threw out love to Joe Biden and the
previous administration.
And finally I threw out to love to Donald Trump,
on his inauguration as our Fuhrer!"


Elon Musk's new car named the
"Swasti Car."


Am I the only one who can't read the name
Alex Rudakubana without hearing Barry
Nanilow singing it?


Hardcore vegans think all zoos should be
closed and the animals returned to their
natural habitat
But then where would all the divorced dads
take their kids on the weekend?
Besides McDonald's that is.


Today I saw a granny wearing a T-shirt that
said Superdry.
I thought yeah I bet it is .

[Piper]

Ange Postecoglu gets involved in a fight
while leaving Harrods.

When the lift operator asked,

"Going down?"


The Rolling stones were gearing up to hit
the road on a mammoth tour this summer.
However, Mick Jagger and Keith Richards
pulled the plug after promoters were unable
to secure wheelchair access.


Stars who can't stand Meghan Markle
Wouldn't it be easier to list the people
who like her? It would be a very short
List.


Prince Harry will be livid, his niece Beatrice
has just given
birth to a baby blacker than the one
he has.


It blows my mind that NASA is able
to receive data from 4.67 billion
miles away
but I lose my WiFi signal in my
kitchen.

[Piper]

Beyonce, sporting straight blonde hair has
won a Grammy for her country album
in the category 'its Not Cultural Appropriation
When We Do it '


I read in the news today that Scotland are
looking to ban cats
Fair play if you ask me, it's a shit musical
and that Lloyd Webber is a cunt


Netflix vows to stand by Megan and Harry.
Which in TV talk, means they're well
fucked.


"P" Daddy was originally Puff Daddy.
I think he should go a step further and
change his real name to Sean Grooms.


What makes me laugh about social media
is it's not very social.
More a minefield of dickheads with a few
good cunts in between.


After a long meeting at the pub with my
mates, we decided to form a group called
"War against nutters, knobheads, eejits and
retard society."

The only downside is its abbreviation is
W.A.N.K.E.R.S


I've heard that an evil scientist has spliced
genes from Bond villains Blofeld and Oddjob.
He's hoping to create the ultimate Blojob.


I was watching that Batman film "The Dark
Knight"
Great movie, but a bit far fetched.
There's no way people in real life would
support some obvious lunatic with
a bizarre hairstyle and makeup who
just aims to bring out the very worst
in everyone and pit them against
one another...


Bridget Jane's parachute up for sale-no
strings attached.
Do they mean her big knickers?


0% alcohol spirits.
Can't see the point.Like
sucking a nipple through
through a jumper.


Football commentator: "Anfield
has got to be the hardest place
at the moment."
... said with confidence of a man
who has never seen Diane Abbott's
minge.


It's interesting that Princess Anne can't
remember being kicked by a horse,
while Andrew has no recollection of
riding a filly.

[Bikkie]

Elon Musk bans rainbow flags from American classrooms.

That is a bad business move. Most Tesla owners are benders.



Study finds people trying to stop financial audit have nothing to hide.



My daughter told me she got her boyfriend Jamal started at bartending school.

"Great !... but that wasn't exactly what I meant when I said that the little jigaboo belongs behind bars."



Bryan Adams is forced to cancel his Perth, Australia, show because of blocked sewers at the venue.

This typically happens after a Bryan Adams concert.



I said to my boss I have 3 companies that are after me and I need a raise!

He said “which 3 companies?”

I said “gas, water and electric”



Kid Rock storms off stage, accusing crowd of not clapping enough.

Hardly surprising.

Most people who would attend a Kid Rock concert only have three fingers on each hand.




Wife: Your cock reminds me of Subway

Me: Why, cos it's a foot long?

Wife: No, I always end up with extra cheese




A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
"We have two big needs," said the village headman.
"First, we have a hospital but no doctor."
The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said, "OK... I have sorted it out.
A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?"
"We have no cellphone reception at all in our village whatsoever."



I asked the wife if there was anything available online for a massive penis.

She got me a pair of slippers and a pipe.




For the first time, Viagra ads are now targeting women.

But the women aren’t too happy with Viagra’s new slogan,

"Maybe It’s You."



A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left with the hope that she would be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rushed over to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family returned to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

“So ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”

“It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”




What do you call an embarrassed Irishman? Shamus




Oh, what a shite!
Chilli doner and a pint or three,
Brewing away overnight in me,
Morning after, what a shite!

Oh, what a shite!
Hit the khazi first thing the next day,
Pebbledashed the porcelain shunky,
My poor ringpiece, what a shite!

Oh, I, I got a funny feelin' when I tried to fart,
And my, as I recall I was lucky not to shart,

Oh, what a shite!
Got through half a 4-pack of bogroll,
Tryin' to decontaminate my hole,
Stank the house out, what a shite!

I felt a rush like a rollin' ball of thunder,
When the ming hit my nostrils I thought I'd fucking chunder,

Oh, what a shite!
Woke the wife up splattering the bog,
Nothing coming out looked like a log,
Fizzy gravy, what a shite!

etc



From the Guardian:

Youth culture experts could help prevent stereotyping of young black men, say lawyers.

Well, they could have a stab at it.



"I hope it doesn't bother you to have an LGBTQ dentist, Mr. Davies," said my new practitioner.

"Not unless you care if I call you the Tooth Fairy.'




Life is like toilet paper. You're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.



If a guy remembers your eye color after a date, it probably means you have small tits.



Duchess of Edinburgh: I bang the drum for exploited women

Duke of York: I bang exploited women



The wife was painting the Hallway this morning.
But was struggling with the bit that surrounds the front door.

That's where i come in.



When will someone build a piano that isn’t inherently racist?



2 things make me realise I’m not a raciest
I only watch interracial porn and my shadow is black




" A retrial for Lucy Letby?? Doctor Shoo Lee you can't be serious? "

" I am serious. And don't call me Shirley "




Credit: Leslie Nielsen



Gino d'Acampo robbed Paul Youngs house in his younger days. Though to be fair, wherever he lays his chefs hat, that's his home

[Piper]

Today I learned why Americans took
up ice hockey.
Its to punch a Canadian in the face .

[Piper]

Shakin Stevens has currently bought a
country estate in Scotland.

Thistle House.

[Bikkie]

Four on trial for theft of golden toilet from Bleheim palace in 2019. Asked why it took them so long, a police spokesman said "well for many years, we had nothing to go on"




So, we can expect a black James Bond.

Bet he'll be good with a knife.



I shagged a girl last night and told me that reminded her Usain Bolt. I said why because I'm athletic strong and fit and she said no it's because you finish in 9 seconds




My local bakers are looking for someone to dress up to promote their bread products.
I think I'll give it a try .
I've always fancied myself as a roll model.



I've just had a light bulb moment.
You know Black Friday?

Is it called that because the prices are so cheap, it's like you're robbing them?



I said to this blonde, "Do you like Happy Mondays?"

She replied, "Is that double drinks?"





My wife's a big fan of ballooning.

She's gained 6 stone since we got married.



I've just had one of those signs pop up saying, 'You are the 100,000th visitor today - claim your prize'.

That's when I decided to pull Bonnie blues knickers up and go home.




Hooters bankruptcy deals heavy blow to America's creepy, middle-aged weirdos.




They say if you're a heavy drinker you should try alternating your drinks and it really works.

I've been alternating between pints of lager and cider since 10am and now I'm fucking plastered.




Had a power cut last night. Fuck me, it was darker than the new James Bond in here




Funny, I can remember every word to a song from 20 years ago, but I have no clue what my bloody email password is.



As Amazon considers plots for the new Bond...

"The names Bond, Brooke Bond, Tea stirred, not shaken. "

Probably certified PG.

You'll probably need to be old to understand this.




To be fair, most people who believe in the story of Adam and Eve are products of incest.



American Football.

It's like they somehow managed to take Rugby and make it even gayer.




My doctor told me my prostate was good. I was deeply touched.



After booking in going to a premature ejaculators support group, and feeling shy, I had to ask the group leader what I should wear. He said it doesn't matter, most of the guys just come in their pants. So I told him if that was the case, I was already there.




A man knocks on Bonny Blues door.

BB: Hello?
Man: Yes, I hope you remember me. We had sex on the screen.
BB: I vaguely remember you.
MAN: Anyway I hear you are pregnant and I want to sue you for sole custody and child support, and with your antics you aren't a fit mother, and with your wealth your rolling in it.
BB: OK. Take this piece of paper
The feller looks at it and it say '871' on it.
MAN: what's this, 871? Is it 871 pounds and week? A month?
BB: No it means there are 870 men ahead of you.



My wife just said to me 'You dont listen to anything I say'.

I thought 'Thats and odd way to start a conversation'.



Hooters are in talks to prepare for bankruptcy.

The directors are doing their best to keep abreast of any developments.




The restaurant chain Hooters is preparing to file for bankruptcy.

I know they've always had their knockers, but I never expected them to go tits up.



Imagine my dissapointment when I settled down to watch A Thousand Blows on Disney + only to discover it wasn't about Bonnie Blue's latest world record attempt.




Mens Rules


Man Rules: We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!

Men are NOT mind readers.

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.




Goodbye Mister Bond.

Did you just assume my pronouns ?



My neighbour Ali keeps bringing quality food to my house. Feeds my whole family. So I asked him why.

He said he walked into a restaurant with his phone in hand and they shoved a great big bag of food in his hand thinking he's the Uber Eats guy and it's been working for him ever since.



There's only two words that can describe how much I like my massive new grandfather clock.

Big time.

[Piper]

Married men will soon celebrate the 3 days
that they are always right.Feb 29,30
and 31st.

[Piper]

Did you know that a Blue whale's vagina is so
wide and deep that 4 to 5 people can fit
inside? This makes it the world's second
biggest cunt after Donald Trump.


Coldplay to pick half-time acts at World cup
final
They can rule out Neil Diamond followed by the
Lighting Seeds.

[Piper]

I've agreed so much with
my wife.
That my head just starts
nodding at the sound of
her voice.


Me: You almost ready?

Wife: Just a few more
minutes, what time do we
have to be there?

Me: Yesterday at 7.


My employer sent me
to a Sensitivity Course.I
noticed that there weren't
any women on the course
and then I thought
"of course there are no
chicks on this course.
They don't need sensitivity
training.Bullshit like
'sensitivity' comes
naturally to them, like
crying, nagging and
shopping.


My wife speaks four languages
English, eye-rolls, door
slams, and sighs.


Quentin Crisp always
orders the same burrito at
my restaurant.
9 inchs long, hot, thick,
firm and easy to grip.


Things we think of during sex?

Husband...wow this is terrific,
these tits make a wonderful head
rest and that

fanny...wow...how many muscles does
she have down there?

Wife...where the fuck is he, he should've
been home by now?


Bucks drug dealer stored cocaine in his
pants in Aylesbury.
Never sniff the yellow snow.

[Bikkie]

What's the difference between Katie Price & Manchester United's new stadium?

You'll only be able to get 100,000 pricks in the stadium



When I found out my wife was having sex with the owner of the bates motel. She went fucking psycho




The new Manchester United stadium has received criticism after resembling a “circus tent”.

Which is ironic considering the standard of recent performances.



A new remake of the Wizard of OZ has been made.
In the new version Dorothy only meets one companion on the yellow brick road it's Donald Trump who's going to see the wizard to get a heart a brain and the fucking courage to stand up to Russia.





After a few incidents at work, my boss made me go on one of those 'Understanding Equality' courses at a training centre.

To be fair, the course was quite interesting, plus they laid on a nice big buffet lunch.

At the end of the course the host said to me, 'I think you've made the most progress of all!'

I replied, 'Thanks! Now, before I go home, where's the toilets in this place? I've got to go drown a darkie.'



Prince Harry made his feelings clear to Netflix staff on the set of Meghan Markle’s series

He said they don’t want paying in royalties, they’re not a part of that anymore

[Piper]

NASA and SpaceX launch rescue mission
to bring back stranded astronauts.
I feel sorry for the blokes, imagine how
awful it must be, to go back to your
wife after 9 months of peace.

[Bikkie]

I wonder how many animals we had to try riding before discovering horses are fine with it.



Live commentary..cricket...

Joffry Archer...He'll be the one to get de Kock out



Before i started watching Porn hub i thought 'Pegging' was 'Putting your washing out'




The first porn movie filmed by a drone has been released.

The film is expected to be a big surprise to the people who star in it...



I remember in the 80's the great Billy Connolly asking where everyone was from then asked "Is there any non Scots in?"

Les Mcewan then left promptly... Strange.




Porsche: Fast...Ferrari: Faster...Tesla: Fascist.




Miss Scotland bit two security guards and called one a nigger while being thrown out of the rugby 7s competition.

She saw an opening for a hooker



I went out yesterday evening and had a seriously hot curry.
Normally I don't take any notice of the horoscopes, in fact I don't really understand what they're on about most of the time.
But I'm now wishing I'd taken yesterday's predictions more seriously when it said, "the Sun will be moving out of Uranus".



What's the worst thing about a frightened Spaniard?



Hispanic




Tiger Woods reveals he is dating Donald Trump Jr's ex-wife.

Fuck me, this DEI hiring's really getting out of hand nowadays.





What are the three main signs of an impending stroke?

Kleenex, hand-cream and pornography




Snow Brown and the Seven Pronouns.




I don't know why dwarfs are complaining about losing acting jobs to CGI in the new Snow White film.

They were only small roles.





I got beaten up by the members of an American poodle rock band as well as Mick Jagger's lot. Whereas, the lads from a melodic early Brit-pop act said they'd always be friendly & protective

That's because Styx and Stones may break my bones but James will never hurt me



MAGA=

Moronic assholes governing America

[Piper]

What have beans, trainers and Phillip Schofield have in common?

They all come in trainers.





Prince Harry argues for state protection...

Wouldn't it be easier to file for divorce?


What's black and screams like fuck?
Stevie wonder answering the phone.


What's ginger and is getting tired now?
Elton John sucking on the gear lever.


The new 007 has been rebooted for modern times.

The names Bonded! Jamal Bondev!

Former member of the elite special ( small )
Boat Service!

Licence to claim benefits and bring my
family to UK!


The new 007 is going to be from Liverpool

The names Bond, James Bailbond.


Imagine saying "Who wants to ride my
magic penis rocket to Space?"

6 women agree including Katy Perry

Jeff Bezos is an evil genius!


Nothing screams I'm a strong independent
woman more than

Climbing aboard a giant penis shaped
Space rocket owned by a man.

Then claiming you faked it!




Scientists are testing a new product that's being referred to as

"Viagra for women."

The new product is, called ,"White Wine...

[Bikkie]

What do you get when you cross a nymphomaniac with a kleptomaniac?



A fucking thief!




I listened to all of "Brothers In Arms" by Dire Straits last night and to say it was disappointing is me being polite

Barely a mention of incestuous gay sex anywhere



When I was young my dad was always knocking things up in the garage.

The neighbour's wife, the babysitter, my sister's friends...



The Prime Minister of India decreed that there should be a huge national marathon – the likes of Boston, London & New York which get so much international publicity. Any resident of their fine country would be entitled to enter.
There was huge interest - with six million entries! “That is far too many entries” exclaimed his advisors. “Runners and spectators will be crushed to death in the crowds!”
“Then we will restrict this race just to the men of India” decreed the Prime Minister.
Entries were called again. Four million men!
The advisors called for a further reduction.” “This race will then be just for our admired eunichs” declared the Prime Minister.
Half a million entries! “Then we will limit it to the first 500 eunichs to arrive at the start line!”
What shall we call this great event Mr Prime Minister?”
“I am thinking we shall call this The India Knackerless 500!”




Just took the kids to see the new Minecraft movie- they've come away disappointed. It's part of a new exhibit at the National Coal Mining Museum...



I'm currently undergoing a lifestyle change.

Or, as the wife calls it, divorce.



I'm currently learning how to speak 'Apache'

It's easy if you know 'HOW'



My employer is introducing drug testing next week.

It's about time!

I'm sick and tired of getting ripped off with poor quality gear.




I went up to my neighbour and told him directly that for years I had been fucking his wife without him knowing.

"You mean she's your mistress ?"

"No, she charges me for it, so I'd say whore, really."




The car salesman asked if I wanted parking sensors and a reversing camera.

I said the car was for me, not the wife.



My aim in life is to be the best in the world at carving into long wooden seats.

That's the benchmark.




What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

f



With my kids, people told me I should be "lining up to see the new woke Snow White film."

Turns out that by avoiding going to see this woke catastrophe with Snow Brown, I lined up my pockets with extra cash !

[Piper]

I've been reading a book
about Music Theory, but
the terminology is a bit
confusing.
For instance: When you
play a note, it is called a
'rest', and the difference
betweens rests is called an
'Interval'
No wonder most
musicians are broke,
they're a bunch of lazy
bastard's.


I met my Tinder date who
looked nothing like her
profile picture.
"Fucking hell love, when
you said you liked cats I
didn't think you meant
Kit-kats."


People often get mixed
up, Frankenstein was
the scientist and
Frankenstein's monster
was his giant cock.


You know how they throw
the ball into the crowd
after they win a game?
Well that's not allowed in
bowling.I know that now.


I'm taking my wife on a
diving with sharks holiday.
Before I book it , I've got to
work out when her period
is.


I walked up to the girl at
the bar, "My mate wants
me to tell you that he
thinks you're hot."
"Does he now?" She
replied, "And what's your
mates name?"
"Dave, but we call him
coconut."
"Let me guess... He's thick
and hairy."
"No... he's shy."


A new study says too
much TV is linked to a
lower sperm count.
But only if you're watching
porn.


Give a man a gun and he'll
rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and
he'll rob everyone.


My local freebie papers
headline says 'Drug
dealing crackdown '
Yet my local supplier says
drug dealing, crack up.


"UK Supreme court rules that trans women
are not 'real' women.
Ain't that a kick in the dick?"

[Piper]

A dyslexic criminal enters
a library looking for a
shorter sentence.


Woman: I'd go to the ends
of the world for you!
Man: Okay, but would you
stay there?


When I was younger, porn
cost money and water
was free.
What happened?


Look on the bright side
commuter's, in 20 years
time, all of the cars stuck
in traffic jams will be
electric.


Having a piss after sex
will reduce your chances
of catching STI.
But I'm more bothered
about getting caught.


I like my women how like
my kidneys.
One is fine but I'd rather
have two.


I enjoy making
innuendos to pretty
girls knowing that
they don't twig it .
I said to the girl
behind the Fish and
Chip counter today...
.."The taste of your
batter is the best in
Norfolk."
The icing on the cake
was when she said
"You're welcome to
come anytime."

[Bikkie]

Women on dating sites are always like, 'Don't message me unless you're at least 6 feet and 2 inches.'

So I always do.

I'm 6 feet tall.


At the press conference today, Donald Trump's wife said she will stand by her husband.

Especially when he goes on the computer...




Trump boasted how quickly he could bring peace to Ukraine.

I wouldn't believe him if he was only 24 hours from Tulsa.




I don't get all the fuss about these so called superior "corn-fed" chickens

If anything, they make my knob look more yellow



I was reading an article about 'chemsex' in the gay community.

Apparently, smoking crack is quite popular in those circles.

You'd think those fellas would know about lube.



After being banned from filming in London the new Bond film will instead be shooting at BBC to ensure the same effect can be achieved.

Birmingham Bradford and Coventry



In news his week, George Forman's wife decided against a traditional burial or cremation in favour of having him grilled.



BREAKING: Due to Trump‘s tariffs, Vietnamese prostitutes will now only love Americans medium time.



Planting trees gives me wood.



JK Rowling celebrates a Supreme Court ruling that trans women are not legally women - posting a picture of herself puffing on a cigar on her $ 150million superyacht, "Samsara".

A boat that can't make up its mind if it's a male or female.


I was chatting to our local barmaid with the huge tits. I said "I'd love to take you out sometime"
She said "aww, that's nice"
I said "I was talking to your tits"



Having kids.

The tariff that makes Trump look like a pussy.




The new raghead at work got up and walked out, telling the boss he was going home early to read his Koran.
I thought, 'fair play to him'

I wouldn't have taken him for a heavy metal fan.



Aliens found on waterworld 120 light years away.

Its life Kevin but not as we know it



The wife wants me to join her taxidermy club.

Stuff that.



“Dick!”

“Cock!”

“Willy!”

“Knob!”

“Bellend!”

Honestly, this isn’t what I was expecting when I booked to attend an organ recital.



Paddy: I never drink water.

Murphy: Why not?

Paddy: That stuff rusts pipes.





I'm currently learning how to speak 'Apache'

It's easy if you know 'HOW'




My employer is introducing drug testing next week.

It's about time!

I'm sick and tired of getting ripped off with poor quality gear.



Paddy: I just bought a pair of those jeans that look like they have a pee stain in front.

Murphy: Bah ... I can make those in my sleep.



What's better than winning the lottery?

Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.



Donald Trump; 'Our economy is gonna boom!'

*go boom



What is the difference between Jam and Marmalade?

I can't Marmalade a dildo up my wife's arse



I think Donald Trump is doing a tariffic job as President.




Libtard radio-host Brian Shapiro of Las Vegas was trying to come up with a group name for David Pakman, Kyle Kucklinsky, Luke Beasley, and Harry Sisson (Harry Sissy) when they all spread their gay libtarded propaganda together.

He was none-too-happy when I called up and suggested the Butthole Surfers of the Apoca-lisp.


Most men's fantasies are to be in a threesome, but to be honest it isn't as it's cranked up to be, half way through I had to say 'Jim, frank'....


(credit - Stewart Francis)



My mate is a taxi driver in Liverpool and he picked these 2 Chinese businessmen men up from Manchester Airport yesterday and drove them to the Crown Plaza at Man Island they got out the taxi and went into the hotel.

When he drove off he noticed they had left a brief case on the back seat.

He opened the case and discovered £60,000 in cash.

Tommy a very religious lad and as honest as the day is long took the case back to the hotel and ask which room the men were in.

Reception rang their room and they came down and could not thank him enough.

They offered him £1,000 which he wouldn’t take but eventually agreed to take £100.

They said you have been very kind and we are here for the Grand National…. Put your £100 on these 2 horses and you will win big.

They have gone £15000 ew on both horses. Good Luck everyone

Here are the 2 Horses

4.00 Aintree

天地天地玄黃天地玄黃

天地玄黃天地玄黃



Meghan Markle is getting very thin and gaunt lately . Maybe Harry isn't the meal ticket she thought he was after all



Question

What's Oscar Pistorius least favourite song by the band The Police ?

Answer

I can't stand losing you



I've got a new job in a factory making chess sets.
I’m on knights next week.



I'm on the forecourt, making mischief by swapping round all the petrol and diesel nozzles on the pumps.

April Fuels.




I asked my wife if there is any chance of getting laid tonight. She repied, "Spell way". I said, "W A Y.". She said, "You forgot the F". I told her there is no F in way. She said, "Correct, now fuck off".



My neighbour asked me if I'm in favour of a free Palestine. I told him I'll take anything if I don't have to pay for it.



Scientists have discovered the reason why women talk more than men.

It's because they think we're listening...


Women and beer are very similar. Both make you act like a fool, and some go down better than others.




Just imagine having oral sex.

During a Earthquake.



A new vibrator has been produced and the vibrations are the highest on record!

Made in Bangkok


I was disgusted when some old bigot came up to me during my dog-walk and suggested my puppy was "nigger brown"

The fucking cheek. For starters his Dad was there right behind him, sniffing his arse



I’m sick to death of autocorrect ruining my text messages?

I asked the misses to duck my sick today.


Just got back from holiday in Greenland, where I picked up a MAGA hat.

Make America Go Away.



The Invisible Man is Irish.

His name's Cam O'Flage.



I stared directly at the sun but it didn't affect my eyes.

It was when they used to have page 3 girls with their tits out.



On Friday night a bunch of black men all turned up at my door saying they're "here for the party": I said, "Fuck off, there's no fucking party."

How they all proved me wrong when they all pulled out an invite my wife posted on some dating site saying, "There's a party in my huge arse tonight, and all the coloured chaps are cumming."


According to a new study, talking after having sex is just as important as sex.

I’m just glad listening isn’t important...




Paddy: I'm worried about Trump's tariffs.

Murphy: It doesn't affect me -- my wife does all the shopping.

[R650R]

The Wife asks why do you still play computer games as an adult.
I told her it’s like her putting on make up, it’s an escape from reality 🤣😂🤣

[Piper]

Prince Harry LOSES appeal in his battle for
taxpayer-funded police protection, leaving
him facing a £1.5m legal bill.
Don't worry, Hazza, you'll be skint soon and
you won't need protecting.


I make contact lenses for
a living. Maybe I should
start making ellipse-shaped
one's for Chinese people?


Is a Gynecologist just
another name for Crack
Quack.


Statistically one in every
six people find Russian
Roulette mind blowing.


What do you call an Indian
Geordie Submarine?
Gandeep Undawata


If you drive a Subaru in
reverse what are you?
U r a bus


I don't mind watching
porn but I'd like you to
imagine you're looking at
me in the films.
"Please love, can't I just
have one thing?."


"Who would you like me
to sound like to make me
sexy?" Asked my missus.
"Marcel Marceau." I
replied.


What's a Muslim woman's
favourite boxing punch?
A high jab.


Little known fact-Bill
Gates named Microsoft
after his dick.


Walking in on my naked
girlfriend between two
nude black guys has left
me traumatised.
To the point where I've
been unable to even look
at an Oreo biscuit ever
since.


Harry, Harry, Harry, what did I say:, "you burn
the coal, you pay the toll"


Me going to the gym and
trying to get fit watching
others exercise isn't
working out.


My current porn
obsession is mixed race
couples where the woman
is on her period
Just search "black and
white menstrual show.


Thousands of eggs have been
stolen from a local farm.
Police suspect poachers are to
blame.


I was watching some
midget porn earlier and it
really made me think.
No matter where you
work, they're always
screwing the little guy.


My Gran was telling me
about the men she slept
with back in the day.
Stan Boardman, Stan Laurel,
Stanley Baker, Stan Lee, Stanley
Matthews and Stanley Baxter.
She had a lot of one night Stan's
when she was younger.

[Piper]

A study, published in the Journal Current
Research in Food science, suggest that
consuming watermelon can help reverse
erectile dysfunction and improve fertility.
Now, that's just racist.


Cardinal Robert Francis Prevost will be
known as Bob.
Bob Pope.


Katy Perry has described herself as a
human pinata after she was repeatedly
mocked online following her Blue Origin
space flight.
Terrible analogy. A pinata yields
pleasure.


What's the difference
between people who are
kind and people who are
always telling everyone to
be kind?
Just know that there Is a
difference.


"You gotta be shitting me!"
said my unsuspecting
quest when I told him
I was getting into
cannibalism.
And just a few hours later,
history word proved to be
true.


After thirty years of
Marriage my wife and I are
worried about the same
thing.
The size of our tits.


Datsun:
An automobile brand
owned by Nissan.
Also Jamaican for a
middle child.

[Piper]

The BBC is warning Bafta performers
against wearing anything that will expose
their breasts.
This warning is aimed primarily
at Ant and Dec.


Me : "Can I get two bacon and egg rolls with brown sauce?"

Shopkeeper :"No, cash or card only."


How do you blindfold a chink?
Dental floss.


I find it best to keep my mouth shut if a discussion
about trans people pops up.
Just in case a woman puts her dick in it.


When I once went ilon television to represent the union,
they told me I had to wear makeup.
Everyone told me I looked like a proper faggot and
completely botched it when I gave the interview rouge, lipstick,
and a strand of pearls.


Got sacked from the zoo for leaving the lions
cage open.
Who the fuck is gonna steal a lion

[Bikkie]

Look on the bright side
commuter's, in 20 years
time, all of the cars stuck
in traffic jams will be
electric.


Having a piss after sex
will reduce your chances
of catching STI.
But I'm more bothered
about getting caught.


I like my women how like
my kidneys.
One is fine but I'd rather
have two.


I enjoy making
innuendos to pretty
girls knowing that
they don't twig it .
I said to the girl
behind the Fish and
Chip counter today...
.."The taste of your
batter is the best in
Norfolk."
The icing on the cake
was when she said
"You're welcome to
come anytime."




I've been reading a book
about Music Theory, but
the terminology is a bit
confusing.
For instance: When you
play a note, it is called a
'rest', and the difference
betweens rests is called an
'Interval'
No wonder most
musicians are broke,
they're a bunch of lazy
bastard's.


I met my Tinder date who
looked nothing like her
profile picture.
"Fucking hell love, when
you said you liked cats I
didn't think you meant
Kit-kats."


People often get mixed
up, Frankenstein was
the scientist and
Frankenstein's monster
was his giant cock.


You know how they throw
the ball into the crowd
after they win a game?
Well that's not allowed in
bowling.I know that now.


I'm taking my wife on a
diving with sharks holiday.
Before I book it , I've got to
work out when her period
is.


I walked up to the girl at
the bar, "My mate wants
me to tell you that he
thinks you're hot."
"Does he now?" She
replied, "And what's your
mates name?"
"Dave, but we call him
coconut."
"Let me guess... He's thick
and hairy."
"No... he's shy."


A new study says too
much TV is linked to a
lower sperm count.
But only if you're watching
porn.


Give a man a gun and he'll
rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and
he'll rob everyone.


My local freebie papers
headline says 'Drug
dealing crackdown '
Yet my local supplier says
drug dealing, crack up.





What have beans, trainers and Phillip Schofield have in common?

They all come in trainers.





Prince Harry argues for state protection...

Wouldn't it be easier to file for divorce?


What's black and screams like fuck?
Stevie wonder answering the phone.


What's ginger and is getting tired now?
Elton John sucking on the gear lever.


The new 007 has been rebooted for modern times.

The names Bonded! Jamal Bondev!

Former member of the elite special ( small )
Boat Service!

Licence to claim benefits and bring my
family to UK!


The new 007 is going to be from Liverpool

The names Bond, James Bailbond.


Imagine saying "Who wants to ride my
magic penis rocket to Space?"

6 women agree including Katy Perry

Jeff Bezos is an evil genius!


Nothing screams I'm a strong independent
woman more than

Climbing aboard a giant penis shaped
Space rocket owned by a man.

Then claiming you faked it!




Scientists are testing a new product that's being referred to as

"Viagra for women."

The new product is called 'White wine."



Morning Wood.
-----------------
So when you're old and knackered and getting on a bit
And things things don't work quite as well
So imagine the delight this morning when I awoke
When my man thing had a very large swell

"Quick, I said," have a look at this
I said to my missus with a smile
She grinned with a glint in her eye and said
"Well yes, it has been quite a while"

So we heaved and we grunted and gave it a go
And it all came flooding back
When bugger me my back creaked and did pop
And my mind went completely off track

Well she started to laugh at the state I was in
And decided she would get on top
It'd been many a year and she wasn't quite slim
When my knee did twist and lock

Well she grunted and heaved as her body did weave
While I was pinned to the bed like a rock
I heard a long lost cry of, "Oh God Oh my"
As she jumped up and down on my cock

She finished the deed with a glow on her face
As I lay there not quite yet done
"OK" she said, "it's hand and knees
"Now it's your turn for some fun"

Now my knee wouldn't play as I tried to get up
And I'd forgotten I wasn't twenty one
I fell on the floor and banged my head on the door
She couldn't stop laughing at what I'd done

Now I thought to myself with out any doubt
Should I awake with an erection again
I'm not saying nowt, and I'll give it a clout
Just like I should've done then.



I thought my black neighbour worked in construction

But I realised he works in the steal industry



"Why Do Black Athletes Dominate?"

They had a lot of practice running from the police in their teens when they mugged little old white ladies.




Katy Perry has claimed that those few seconds in space make her an astronaut. By the same reckoning, I am a gynaecologist!



Women are like cooked prawns.
Their heads are full of shit but the pink bits are quite yummy!



What do police hotlines and glory holes have in common?

They both rely on anonymous tips

[Piper]

*** Spoiler Alert ***

About the two part finale to Doctor Who,
starting this Saturday 24/5/2025.
Turns out he's just a normal doctor, that works
for the World Health Organisation.


The US Treasury have confirmed that they
will stop producing pennies next year.
Where's the cents in that.


Freddie Mercury's secret daughter is
apparently, she was conceived accidentally
when he stuck it in the wrong hole


Boris Johnson becomes father for the
ninth time.
Has he ever pulled out of anything other
than the EU?

[Bikkie]

Beyoncé fans brawl as a fight breaks out at the star's concert at London's Tottenham Hotspur Stadium.

First exciting thing to happen at that stadium since the Chicago Bears played against the Oakland Raiders




Men's Mental Health Awareness Month is observed in June.

As is Gay Pride.

Just saying.



Picking a side in this Trump / Musk spat

It's like choosing between having AIDS or going to a Lenny Henry stand-up gig



It's gay pride month in Belfast...

....or as I call it - a UDA show of strength.




Fun fair.

The world's smelliest oxymoron.



My dyslexic pal told me he saw a flying saucer in the sky last night, so I told him he should see a ufologist

He came back and I said, "What happened, was it aliens?"

"No", he says, "I've got VD"



I was taking my kids swimming today and asked my missus, "Do you want to come swimming with us?"

"Sorry,"' she said, "I cant come swimming as I am having 'woman's issues".

Stupid cow.

Just because she can't reverse a car into a parking space doesn't mean she couldn't have come with us. I was driving anyway.



Wife’s got the hump cos I didn’t have a condom and used one of those thin rubber gloves,got sick of her moaning so I gave her the middle finger



It's funny how these poor American people in the Plinko ads who can't afford food are always in a food shop and have a mobile phone with Internet.




What do you call a Scottish woman on a never-ending period?

Morag



The secret to happiness is gratitude.

Which is why most women are miserable.





How many dyslexics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Steven



I said to my Scottish pal, "I'll come out tonight as long as you promise you won't be boxing or wrestling every guy that looks in your direction..."

He said, "Nae Can Do"

I said, "No martial arts either!"





Definition of irony:

Trans women make men look bad


A transgender person tried to tell me a joke.

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there/they're/their?," I asked.



What do you call a Chinaman who keeps asking you how you vote?

Po Ling




Freddie Mercury's secret daughter is revealed after a fling with the wife of a close friend.

Apparently, she was conceived accidentally when he stuck it in the wrong hole.




Young girl next door just got a kitten.
Her father looked daggers at me when I asked her over the garden fence how her pussy was?




I'm making some fairy cakes.
Will puff pastry be suitable?



Life is a lot like a funfair.

It's just missing the first 'f'.








Can you imagine if Pinocchio was made now?

"Can you turn me into a real boy, Blue Fairy?"

"A boy? What the fucking hell's that?"



Her: Did you know a BJ ends with the word "job" because it sucks, but going down on a woman is called "eating out" because it's a privilege?

Him: And that's why you have a job to do everyday, and I can only eat out a couple times a month.

[Piper]

England lionesses announce squad for
Euro 2025 after three withdrawals.
Didn't realise lesbians use the pull-out
method.


Donald Trump is so angry about being called
"TACO" ( Trump Always Chickens Out ) that
his doctor is afraid he may develop a serious
heart condition that may lead to a heart attack.
He is calling it TACOcardia.

[sugilite]

A bit of a laugh...

<iframe width="525" height="933" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/d3SICKuEgqk" title="wait for end#shorts#funnyjokes#viralshorts#jokes#usa" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share" referrerpolicy="strict-origin-when-cross-origin" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[Piper]

It wasn't a surprise that Elaine Paige
got a mention in the king's Birthday Honours.
She knows him so well.

[R650R]

Was watching an add on TV that you can feed, clothe and educate a child in Africa for just $5 a day so I packed my son a bag and put him on a flight 😂🤣😂

[Piper]

LGBTQ+ History month
shouldn't that be LBTQ
+They/Them/ story month?


I've been asking around what
LGBTQlA+ means.
But I can't seem to get a straight
answer.


I joined an LGBTQ group.
Lets Go Beat up Transexuals and Queers.


What do you call mistaking a genuine Thai
hooker for a shemale?
Not an issue.


My neighbours weren't very happy when
they found out I was hosting a lesbian orgy
at my house.
It set some tongues wagging.


Imagine living through the 20th Century
when you knew by sending your kids
to university, they would become
well -educated people and contribute to
society, whilst enabling them to have a
better life.
Fast-forward to 2025 and you're more
likely to get a fat, lazy, blue-haired,
gender confused, pronounced pig, who
couldn't spell the word shower, let alone
use one


Went on a blind date with a proper fat
woman and woke up with a black eye.
I only said, "Your round" after I finished
my pint


What do you call a bloke with no shins?
Toe Knee.

[Bikkie]

Work has begun on Manchester's 'first of its kind' LGBTQ+ housing development.

I'll laugh if the walls are straight and it doesn't come with bent pipes.



"There's no way this Monkees fan is going to beat me at poker", I thought.

And then I saw her ace.

Now my hand is weaker.



I bumped into Gemma Collins singing a few Monkees tracks at a kareoke last night

She told me she lost two stone

Then I saw her waist

And I don't believe her




There was this local Artist who did pictures of the Monkees.
She captured Micky Dolenz teeth, Mike Nesmith's bobble hat and Davy Jones boyish good looks.
Even her Pete Tork looked lifelike.


Then I saw her trace.

She's one big Deceiver!!!




After having sex with Jennifer Aniston yesterday, I can tell you 3 things. 1) She is very tight and I had to struggle to get it in 2) She will gladly take it all over her face and not say a word 3) The staff at the wax museum have no sense of humour.



Britain’s got free speech the way McDonald’s has salad, it’s technically there, but say the wrong thing and you’re banned quicker than a joke about Keir Starmer’s front door



Yesterday I overheard a mixed-race lad about 16 who already had a small tattoo under his eye, and was plotting to get a much bigger one on his face.

I pulled the little fucker aside and told him he'd never have a job doing shite like that.

"Yea dats da fucking point," he hissed, before he went back to mindlessly playing at some handheld gaming device.



I've been getting disturbing calls & messages from some weird cunt called Buster.

Does anybody know a way, there's got to be a way, to block Buster.



Got called in to hr at work for saying I heard the new girl looked like one of the monkees

And then i saw her race



I saw a black fella hurt his knee playing football.

The medic didn't have the proper spray, so he used a deodorant he had in his bag.

The injured guy got up and started running.

It must've been Lynx Africa.




I've had to rent an electric car, the first I've ever driven.

There are so many knobs and buttons.

Starting the fucker is like fingering R2D2.



What do you call a long nosed whale at an Oasis gig?

Narwhal Gallagher



Before she was famous, Bonnie Blue used to work in Poundstretcher.

Quite appropriate really, now she's been pounded and stretched.


I'm sure my best mate is having an affair with my wife.

I've never seen him looking so miserable...




I saw Usain Bolt at a monkies concert as a kid in the states? Saw him running, thought I could beat him?

Then I saw his pace…



I smiled at a woman on the train and she said "When you smile at me I want to invite you to my place"
"Are you single?" I asked her.
"No, I'm a dentist" she replied.



Bill Gates is a huge proponent of "The Great Reset" as a way to sort out the planets problems.
Trust the man behind Microsoft to think "Turning the world off and on again" is going to fix anything.



I once nicked an antiquated games console off a kid from the Middle East

Qatari?

No, a fucking Nintendo



A teacher told me at school I'd never be any good at poetry due to my dyslexia.

But I've just made a lovely pair of jugs and a vase.



Kid says to his Dad, he says "Dad where do babies come from?"

Dad says, "The stork"

Kid says, "Well who fucks the stork?"




Diana Ross says she is delighted Trump is not taking out the Supreme leader.



I'm not saying the wife's thick.

She saw a classified ad for a Mexican pine cabinet.

Then asked me who would want to put a tropical tree in a box.



I met Elizabeth Fritzl at a 1960s counter-culture music convention a few years ago and when I spoke to her all she did was start crying

I only asked her if she liked Strange Days by The Doors




It appears that the gay community have bred their own breed of dog. A Cock or ��



Stevie Wonder: Can you describe to me what I look like?

Friend: Well, what do you see right now?

Stevie: Nothing, just blackness

Friend: Like that



Last night I was shagging a dyslexic girl called Lauren -

She was unreal!



I asked the wife for sex yesterday and she said it was Father's Day, not Husband's Day.

I'm not sure she likes our daughter.



Transwomen have been ban from playing football. But maybe they should’ve let them keep playing but only as goal keepers.
Would drastically improve having to watch that shite.
Watching female goalies is like watching a woman try to parallel park!



I realised what it was like to be a nigger today.

Five kids but not a single fathers day card.



Ray Charles "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with B"

Stevie Wonder "Black. My turn. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with B"

[R650R]

At the pub having drink with the wife and she points to a guy over at bar drinking and having good time with his mates, shouting another round of drinks.
“He proposed to me ten years ago” she said.
He’ll and he’s still celebrating being free I replied.
I think that’s when the trouble started…

[Bikkie]

If people speak to you in the countryside they're being friendly.

If people speak to you in the city, they either want something, are mentally ill or about to stab you.
( that's true )




Why did Michael Caine take a shit behind the elephant house?

Because he couldn't face another zoo loo.


It must be really difficult for a prostitute to get rid of a customer.

She's telling them to go, but all they want to do is come.


I discovered on holiday that cars in Italy are all speed restricted.

If you fall below 50, the horn sounds.



Gutted you didn't make it to Glastonbury? Just put 12 different cds on around the house and then stand at the back of the garden occasionally throwing pints of piss down your back.



Ah, beautiful Venice. Such a wonderful place to receive your final blowjob.



Teacher: "OK class, what was Robin Hoods girlfriends name?"
Jimmy: "It was Trudy Glen, miss"
Teacher: "No, Jimmy, it was Maid Marion"
Jimmy: " But miss, what about the song, Robin Hood Robin Hood riding Trudy Glen"



It's getting daft now with this ultra woke PC bullshit. You can't even say "pipe down"

You have to say, "Harvey, chuck it over here, and my baccy. Oh and pass me my fucking slippers while you're at it'



I once asked Lulu "what do you call a hole in the ground that you get water from?"

That's 10 minutes of my life I won't get back.



Words with different meanings, no 84:

" Tyranny "

An Italian transsexual



Your bride has been dispatched and should arrive between 11am and 3pm on June 29th




Astronaut Katy Perry is splitting up with Orlando Bloom. I guess she...needed more space....



Captain Shukla will become the first ever Indian to visit Nasa's orbiting laboratory.

He's already turned it into a corner shop...



My seven year old son was in a school play. Why is he not paid the same as Tom Cruise? - Female logic



Sir Elton John set to lead performances at Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez's $20M Venice wedding in Venice.

Just how many times can he change the fucking 'Candle in The Wind' lyrics.



Al Green

No he's black



Someone help me out please.
Does the plumber actually fix the tap at the end of 'my stepmother is a slut' porn video?
I never seem to get to the end of it.




Eastbourne: Raducanu beaten in three sets by Joint

Kids, just say no to drugs.


I used to make honey, but now I've abandoned my hives.

Now I'm a bee leaver.



Don't ever go to a drag race during Gay Pride.

The dresses and make up look shit and they all break their heels on the quarter mile.


After showing up late for the last two World Wars, it looks like the Americans want to be bang on time for this one.



I was listening to The Monkees on the radio in the prison showers.

But then I dropped the soap.

Now I'm a receiver...



The names bongo James bongo !

ffs...no



Sadly, I was caught by security trying to climb the fence at Glastonbury, they turned me back & said I had to listen to the rest of the Rod Stewart concert.




I phoned the vet because my dog had a high temperature.

He prescribed mustard, best thing for a hot dog...



I bought a gun because I have a fear of eagles.

"You're getting carried away," said my wife.

"Not without a fucking fight," I replied.

[Bikkie]

Sports News - After she secured a comfortable victory to progress to the second round at Wimbledon, British number one Emma Raducanu said she would give her coach Mark Petchey an "11 out of 10"

I would give her one.



I called a landscaper the other day, asked him if he could do the garden.
He said "Do you want decking?".
I said "That's entirely uncalled for... I already have a patio!".



Sports News - At todays Wimbledon, Emma Raducanu knocks out compatriot Mimi Xu.

By coincidence while watching, I knocked one out myself.



I used to date a woman who had a parrot.

I broke up with her because of the incessant talking and shrieking.

The parrot was well behaved though.



It's now that time of year again for the Wimbledon women's tennis.

Funny how It always coincides with the start of my annual training for the World Arm Wrestling Championships.



The Wimbledon women's singles tennis championships start today, so I'll be glued every day to the box for a fortnight.

Not only the TV. but also my sofa, my trousers and one of my socks.


A black guy with an eyepatch on just got into my car and told me to get out then drove off.
I think he was a pirate of the car I be in.

( I'll get my keys )

[Bikkie]

Those announcements in train stations are bullshit

“If you see something that doesn’t look right, see it, say it, sort it”.

Well when I showed them this lump on my bollocks all they did was physically remove me from the station with my pants round my ankles.



The single biggest test of Donald Trump's Presidency is coming on July 4th.

Not because he's behaving like a King.

It's the day half of his supporters will find out he's gutted their medical cover, when they've just blown half of their webbed fingers off with fireworks.



The local Starbucks are going to hate me.

They have a sign that reads, 'Please only put toilet tissue down the toilet'.

I did a piss and shit on the floor.



After years of waiting for gender reassignment surgery I decided to do it myself.

To be honest I'm surprised I managed to pull it off.




Trump considers deporting Elon Musk as their feud explodes.

They both think dignity is overrated.




My new girlfriend drives all the machines on her father's farm.

For some strange reason, I was atractored to her instantly.



"Dalai Lama confirms he will have a successor after his death"

In other news, Gary Glitter is seen buying robes in Tibet



Do Muslim child brides have to sign a threenup?.




I started dating a black girl because she told me she loves it 'up the brown'.

Turns out she just meant her pussy.



White men can't jump.

Ticket barriers that is.




White men can't jump
Black cunts can't drive!




It's getting daft now with this ultra woke PC bullshit. You can't even say "put everything on black"

You have to say, "Tyrone, all toppings on my pizza please"




Former head of the royal navy Ben key sacked for having an affair with female subordinate.
People have joined the navy for centuries so they could bum another bloke without their wives
finding out, but as soon as someone shags a woman it's a problem.




Went to a Roman themed stripper party.

Veni, vidi, veni.



Popular fruit urgently recalled due to vomiting, fever and diarrhoea risk.

Fuck's sake Elton, you should know by now to rubber up.




After numerous attempts to win the Mens World Wanking Championship.

I've managed to pull it off..




I went for a job with the Mountain Rescue Squad today.

'Why do you want to join us? ' The interviewer asked.

'Well, ' I said, 'I hear you are always looking for people.'


I lost a fight with a kid at school once. His name was Bill Tong. I definitely bit off more than I could chew.



The wife and her mother have always rubbed each other up the wrong way.

After a few beers, I showed them both together how to wank properly last night.




Bonnie Blue's world record attempt for the largest number of female sexual partners within 12 hours was thwarted at the grand opening.

A large ribbon was in place for the commencement but none of the scissors there could cut it.




I’ve been getting spontaneous erections ever since I became superstitious… touch wood!



I walked past a group of "Republic" protestors earlier and they were brandishing placards, wearing t-shirts & shouting "not my king"

I thought, what the fuck have they got against Elvis?




There's controversy over casting a Black woman as Richard III in a new PBS period drama.

Doubt many Americans will watch it, though.

Not without seeing I and II first.



I was blown away watching the Oasis gig in Cardiff and had to pinch myself to take in what I saw.
The cunts actually played a fourth chord.



Tiger Woods and Vanessa Trump are heading for marriage.

Finally, a black sheep in the Trump family.



Jessica Biel is married to Justin Timberlake.

Does that make her a Biel-T?

[Bikkie]

The UK…….. is………ranked………….99th ………in the……….world for…………………… Internet speed...



The wife's just thrown 5 cricket balls at me.
I said one more and it's over.




The debate still rages on about which toilets trans women should be allowed to use

Yet the solution is simple

Why don't they just do it up against a wall?




"I see dead people"

"Oh"
"What?"

"I see dead people"

"Oh"
"What?"

"I see dead people"

"Oh"
"What?"

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE....I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!"


Rehearsals aren't going well for the "Sixth Sense" remake



After an awkward silence my wife said, "Are we seriously not going to talk about the elephant in the room?"
"I know it's a bit left field love," I replied, "But give Jumbo a chance and I'm sure you'll grow to love him."




My mate said he didn’t understand what cloning was. I said that makes two of us.




Today is world allergy day - glad to know I'm not the only one allergic to the world because of all the bloody foreigners.



I asked the wife what her last wish on this earth would be?
She said to be licked out by a Pangolin.

Fucking sick bitch.



The Women’s Euros:
More passion, more grit…
And still fewer balls than Harry Maguire.



Benjamin Netanyahu has nominated Donald Trump for a Nobel Peace Prize.

In other news, Hulk Hogan has nominated himself for a Nobel Prize for Physics.




I got into an argument over the lyrics to the Madonna song "La Isla Bonita" and said, "It's - I fell in love with San Pedro, not - I fell in love with some Dago."

"My version works for me, it's Brokeback Mountain night at Karaoke," said my extremely gay homo son.




In Australia, a Victorian woman poisoned three relatives with deathcap mushrooms in a beef Wellington.

She looks young for someone from the 1800s.





I went to school with a Scottish kid called Ali Hugh McBarr

Nice lad. Shat ourselves though whenever his name was read out in registration




All this talk abut President Trump and the Nobel Peace Prize,
Every one forgets the people that stood by him through thick and thin,
Ivana, Ivanka and Tiffany, They should get a medal, well I would give them one any day.



Was just in JD sports trying on trainers and I told the assistant they were too tight.
"Try them with tongue out" she said
"Nope, thleyre thtill tloo tlight" I replied.



Words with different meanings, no: 64

" Diarrhoea "

An extremely bad live performance of 'Driving Home For Christmas'

[Bikkie]

My father thought that alcohol was the answer to everything.
He didn’t drink it, he was just shit at quizzes.

(Milton Jones)




Three jews were on a business conference call. The first said to the second "I need to borrow 10k from you for a new business idea" the second said "you're breaking up, I can't hear you"
So he repeated his request.
The second said "still can't hear you!"
The third guy chipped in and said "I can hear him fine"
The second said. "well you lend him 10k then"



Meghan Markle's new $30 As Ever Rosé wine has finally arrived. A little flabby, unbalanced, acidic and tasteless.

Now, let's get to the wine.



Meghan Markle’s ‘Manic Behaviour’ Analysed By Psychologist | “She Loves Herself”

I can't say I'm surprised. Nobody else does.



What's the only way to get money from a Jew?.

Run for office.



Had a narrow escape last night, I was working at the Co-op live arena in Manchester at the ELO gig,

fortunately, they cancelled before they were due to come on.





Starmer and Macron announce 'one in, one out' deal on migration.

Which refers to Macron's balls and Starmer's mouth as far as I can tell.




Just heard about the government's idiotic, 'one in, one out' rule.

The public want to limit immigration and these fuckers are doing the hokey cokey?






I don't know either player in the Wimbledon Women's Singles final.

To be on the safe side, I'm gonna support the one with tits.



Top tip...

Motorcyclists. Carry a metre square piece of rubber mat under your arm while riding. In the event of an accident, simply throw it on the floor for you to land on.




"Harry Potter star Emma Watson caught speeding near Oxford"

Perhaps a spell in prison is required for this entitled young madam!



See Donald Trump contacted Irish embassy about growing Rice in Texas.

Apparently he's interested in Paddy fields.

I thank you.

[Bikkie]

I'm very disappointed with the ladies England v Wales soccer match. There's 22 lesbians and not one of them is diving in the box.



Just watching England Womens football.
They keep saying James has a Black Eye.

Unless my tv is fucked, I believe she has two Black Eyes.

(In fairness & so as not to cause upset, they is now calling it a shiner).

Now they're calling a White girl Bronze!!!!



Looking at the Live Aid set again, typical of the Americans to enter late, after the British have done all the hard work…




Being terrored by a wasp in the garden all afternoon. .
My wife asked.... "Isn't that driving you mad!?"
Nah it's buzzing, I replied!.




Ed Miliband says Net Zero will create lots of Green Jobs. Ed must be colourblind.

Last time I looked the Chinese were still Yellow.




The average person uses just 10% of their brain.

Unless they're American.

Then it's -10%.

(Don't worry, they won't understand this).



What are the three words a Thai woman loves to hear?

Your cock's massive.




There was a mass attempt of people breaching the fences at Heaton Park, as Oasis took the stage.

Police backup arrived.

To keep them in.




A Dutch guy, someone from Belgium, and a black dude are sitting in a boat. The Dutch guy proclaims "I can measure the watertemperature just by hanging my dick into the water". "Oh really, so just do it!" the Belgium guy responds.
So it happens...the Dutch guy puts his penis into the water "around 16 degrees".
So the guy from Belgium says "Let me try that". He puts his willy in, waits for a second "I believe it is just 15 degrees".

So they ask the black guy to test it as well. So the black dude puts his penis in. Waits....waits even longer. After a few minutes the Dutch guy and Belgium guy ask him "So.... What do you think?"

The black guy responds "I have no idea, but it is six feet deep".



"It is "shameful" that black boys growing up in London are "far more likely" to die than white boys" says the met office

Perhaps if they stopped stabbing each other....



da Ronstadt is born in Tucson, Arizona. Her music career starts as lead singer of the folk trio the Stone Poneys.



Who invented the qwerty keypad. One of my favorite words is xunt.

Love you, cccc




If you want to smack your kids, but not leave a mark.

I find a good quality oven glove works best.




I think it's fair to say that Sylvester Stallone and Carl Weathers had a rocky relationship




I have a French girlfriend who has trimmed her bush and who dusts her flat obsessively. So, no "poussiere" on two counts.




I went to school with Ivor Bigun
nice kid.
always boasting about the size of his knob



Ok, I’m confused. My wife can’t get pregnant. We went to get medical help. I asked the doctor what were the chances of her getting pregnant. He said, it’s all down to the success of the IDF. What the hell has the Israeli army got to do with my wife’s fertility??

[Bikkie]

Will Smith claims he has Welsh heritage.

Probably a blackface sheep.



BBC News:

Hollywood star Will Smith declares 'I'm Welsh'

Been working down the mines then, have ya?




Will Smith proclaims Welsh heritage.

I suppose he'll be playing John McClane in Dai Hard.




Why did Will Smith move to Wales?
Because he wanted to be the Prince of Blaenau-Ffestiniog!



On his recent visit to Wales, Will Smith was taken to a petting farm. Whilst there he saw the absolute pleasure of a new lamb being born.
Will was gobsmacked when they said, they would like to call it Jade after his wife.
Fighting back the tears Will said he was so honoured that a fresh life one so beautiful a miracle of civilisation would be compared to that of his wife.

Daffid the farmer said, what you on about bouyo? Have you not noticed its short black & curly just like her.




Will Smith declares he's Welsh.

Fuck off. You can't pull the wool over my eyes.



In his latest interview Will Smith declares his Welsh heritage.

Is it me or did he look a bit Sheepish when he said it?



Since declaring himself as Welsh Will Smiths relatives are refusing to speak to him.

Apparently they regard him as the Black Sheep of the family.



After a great day at work today, I gave myself a massive pat on the back.

I hate being a farmer.



Marvel have just announced a new movie about a group of egg based superheroes

The Flantastic Four will be out next year




An Amazon driver asked me the time..
I said " it's between 9am and 8pm".



In the 90s had a crush on I Know What You Did Last Summer's Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Now she looks like she'd crush me.



I opted to take my driving test in a EV.

Failed the theory because I didn't know the stats for Petrol and Diesel car fires.




Mel Gibson financed The Passion of the Christ himself and made nearly a billion dollars. Now that’s what I call a prophet




BBC NEWS: Biggest human imaging study scans 100,000th person.

Pornhub: "hold my beer"





Did you know in Singapore when you go to McDonald's they give you rice instead of fries?

Now don't call me a racist but how the fuck are you supposed to dip that in your milkshake?

I guess they're used to it, what with their tiny cocks.





Old McDonald got some solar panels fitted.

E-on E-on Oh!

With a .......



In a new survey, 1 in 5 Americans believe that God steers the economy.

So mystery solved—God is Trump...





What goes 'Oh my god, wow. Oh my god, wow. Oh my god, wow. Oh my god, wow'?.

Every episode of Long Lost Family.



WARNING: If you get a link offering you sex with a hot young busty woman, don't respond, she's an old saggy minger, sorry, I mean, it's a scam.



What's the best thing for a flat tyre?

A tyre iron.




Dawn French

No she's English.




Donald Trump visit is an 'opportunity' for Scotland, insists First Minister John Swinney.

Too fuckin' right it is, ken?

Noo wherr's ma fuckin' chib?




Captain Tom's daughter, Hannah Ingram-Moore, touts herself as a 'resilience coach' in her new online venture.

That would be like Trump coaching speech therapy.




What have Heather Mills and a cricket field got in common?

A long leg




Emma Watson banned from driving for speeding, although she's still not as fast as my erection when she comes on screen in the philosophers stone.




Emma Watson has been banned 6 months for speeding. Riddikulus!




Emma Watson is a feminist icon and campaigner against misogyny.

Like most women she's also a fucking shit driver.

In her defence though it's not her fault she got banned - she hired a female solicitor.



I'm not surprised Emma Watson was banned for speeding .
I once saw her on a deepfake site.
She was doing 69




The Royal Family have a long tradition of producing quality & distinguished sportsmen & women

For example, King Charles won several polo tournaments. Zara & Princess Anne both represented Team GB at the Olympics

And Prince Andrew's latest love interest has just won her egg & spoon race



80s singer, musician and actor Leee John, is using his imagination to relaunch his career - as a magician.

He'll be known as Justin Illusion.




.Can’t for the life of me think why Tarzan, is the only movie Hollywood hasn’t ‘race swapped’, innit.




The Woman's Euro 2025 cup final is on 27th July and I'm sure everyone is asking the same question.

Who fucking cares?




I hope Emma Watson’s first day as a coach driver in Minehead went well today.



Does anyone know the score of the game between England Lionesses and Sweden?.

I missed the game. Only caught the Diana Ross tribute after.

[Bikkie]

imagine getting caught watching Coldplay?



Imagine everyone finding out you like Coldplay

I'd be mortified



I so hope Coldplay were playing Trouble




Never get caught cheating at a concert by booking to see ELO instead of Coldplay.




A new video shows the sight of the embarrassed CEO caught cuddling an HR boss during a Coldplay concert.

Finally, something worth watching at a Coldplay concert.



Coldplay haven’t released any singles for ages but they created two last night



Things your likely to hear at a Coldplay gig...

"FUUUUUUUCK...quick, get your hands off my tits..."



Coldplay haven't made a single in a while but made two of them at their Boston gig last week.



Coldplay haven't made a single for ages...then they make 2 in one night



Coldplay exec: Him for the weekend.




A friend of mine told me that, at school, he’d failed his aboriginal music performance exam, so I asked him ‘Did you redo it?’




The only highlights of a womens football match is after the game.

When they're taking a shower.



Neighbour yesterday: Hey, I saw your daughter with a black guy this morning

Neighbour today: Hey, I saw your daughter with a black eye this morning






Victoria Derbyshire

No she was born in Lancashire.





A friend of mine is currently involved in one of those four week drugs trials. Or The Tour de France as its more commonly known.




Camilla Parker Bowles

No she doesn't play cricket.




I have quite a reputation in my local area for making women wet...
This new hosepipe is brilliant.



Meghan Markle's Netflix flop ranks at No 383 on Netflix for this year.

Which is, ironically, where she ranks in the royal family.



Robbie Savage

He can be

[Bikkie]

"I rather fancy a second honeymoon," remarked my wife.

There's got to be an easier way to tell me there's no sex this week.



A guy I know just got arrested for stealing.

He was caught black-handed.



Polly Graph

I went to school with her

She always knew when you were lying.



Sigourney Weaver

What's a Sigourney?



How come we always lose our phone when it's on silent..!???
But we never lose the missus when she is ...




Chris Martin's had a busy year, falling through trapdoors, exposing millionaires' affairs.

It's like watching Scooby Doo.



Scientists in Wales announced today they have discovered a whole new use for sheep.

Wool.







I knocked on my neighbours door this afternoon and said “can you have my children? I’ll be no longer than a couple of minutes I promise”

“Sure” she replied

I said “Great, get ya knickers off then”




How do gay men keep their anal passages clean?

They fill them up with fairy liquid.



I caught my son last night in his bedroom, eating electrical cord.

So I've grounded him until he conducts himself properly.



My grandfather's petrol lawnmower didn't always start first time.

I remember watching as a boy of six, his massive hands yanking it really hard.

Sweating, he'd clean up then go to the shed and get the mower.



Hayden Sikh.

Went to school with him. Well, when I could find him.




I saw a huge spider this morning and I was as terrified as a coke bottle in an Indian toilet

[Bikkie]

It's getting daft now with this ultra woke PC bullshit, you can't even say "Black Sabbath"

You have to say, "Leroy, see you Sunday"




My wife said, "The women's Euros is on, are you watching it or coming shopping with me. "



There are three types of women.

The beautiful,
The intelligent,
And the majority.




Liam Neeson sparked relationship rumours while filming The Naked Gun with co-star Pamela Anderson.

But wait until he wakes up next to her without makeup. She will run a mile.




What do you call an Englishman in America sitting on the john?

David Furnish



I went to school with a bloke called Zed Lister

I'm not surprised nobody's ever heard of him



I was shocked to see the ball boys collecting up the balls from the women's penalties in the lionesses last match v Sweden...

I'd left 20 minutes earlier to beat the traffic.

[Bikkie]

When people get too old they take their driving licences off them so that they don't kill anyone on the road.
This is what happens next.....
They give them a mobility scooter so that they can kill every cunt on the pavement.



The meaning of life is simply a difference of angles.

'Let The Bodies Hit The Floor' and 'It's Raining Men' are a good example.



I went to school with a bloke called Nicholas Girls.

He's a photographer in the Porn Industry now.

[Bikkie]

What is similar between non alcoholic beer and a vibrator without batteries. They both fill you up, but without the buzz.




At school my favourite
lesson was P.E. Due to
the fact I had the
biggest cock. I used to
love strolling around
the changing room
naked, flicking the
weaker kids with the tip
of my towel whilst
pointing and laughing at
their little
knobs.................
looking back I think
that's why I was sacked.




This Italian man came up to me in Selfridges. "Can you tell me how to get to the 3'rd floor". "I said escalator". "I don't want to escalator, I want to know now.



Most American voters strongly disapprove of Donald Trump's handling of the Epstein files.

He's gone and stuck half the pages together.



Words with different meanings, no: 66

" Lobotomy "

French bumfun



Jewish comedians have their stand-up shows axed from Edinburgh Fringe venues as bar staff 'feel unsafe'.

Is it because they don't tip?




My dyslexic mates girlfriend said to him fuck me like a black man.

So he made love to her singing "a hip hop, a hippy to the hoppy, bang bang goes the boogie".

He's now been charged with rapping her.

[Bikkie]

Marvin Gaye

No he was straight



Uk pubs to stay open till 1am Sunday for the woman euros final.

Kick off is at 5pm but knowing them the penalties could go on till 2am......



Pubs have been granted the right to stay open late so fans can cheer on the Lionesses in Sunday's European Championship game.

Finally, we have a reason for women's football.






Well done England ladies fc.


Don't be up to late celebrating, it's Monday tomorrow and the house isn't going to clean itself!




What's the difference between a Dyson and a Harley Davidson ?

The replacement of the dirt bag.




Two old age pensioners
are having a 69.
After five minutes he
says, "Sorry, love, the
smell's too bad down
there-I can't carry
on."
"That'll be my arthritis,"
she says.
"What? I never heard
of anyone having
arthritis in their fanny
before."
"No," she says. "It's in
my arms and hands...I
can't wipe me arse."




hhhiiii isssss ttthhhatt
thhee ssexxxx shoppp
thattt sellls ttthe bbiggg
blackkkk
vibbratttttorss??? I
bbbougghttt onnne
yessssterddddy, hhhoo
ww ddoo iii ttturrrn
tthhe fffuckkking
thhinggg offfff???

[Bikkie]

Lucy Bronze played the whole Euro's with a fractured tibia. That is amazing and reminds me of that time I went to work with man flu !



I've never been that into football but now that women's team has reached the final I've found a new kind of couldn't give a shit



There are now over 1 billion websites in the world.

And 4 of them are not devoted to porn....




At 7 P.M ITV stated that 32,000 plus people were reported attending the Lioness's England team triumph in the woman's European Cup final.

The figure was double that at 6 P.M. but they had to leave early to make their husbands their dinner and pack lunch for work tomorrow.




Congratulations to the England lionesses ..
Now get back home and sort the fucking kids out




Thank fuck I'm the plumber who has to repair the leak in the Lionesses communal bath tonight





They think it's all over....


Actually, you'll never hear the end of it



I’ve been very impressed with Hannah Hampton. It looks like she’s a keeper.



Just got back home after a round of Chinese golf. Or, as they call it, Ho Lin Huan




A neighbour asked if I'd be a sperm donor for her baby..
I said " I don't know ..it's a big decision....
How olds your baby.."




'Trains delayed in Dublin after cow and horse get loose on the line.'
"The noises they made actually sounded better than Ed Sheeran!" A concert goer told reporters-



In respect of the death of their favourite jazz singer, Renault are to retire the Clio lane at their test centre.



Philippe Philoppe

I went to school with him

Always wore cheap sandals.



Doctor - We will need to conduct dialysis 3 times a week
Patient - You're taking the piss
Doctor- Yes, that's exactly what we're doing




A person once asked me "why do I think the NBA is mostly black people?"
I said "because it's based on running, shooting and stealing".

[Bikkie]

I drink Budweiser light, watch women's football, get down to a bit of Fleetwood Mac and bat for both teams ...

Still seems better than saying I support Manchester United.



Never seen so many women excited about a final

The Love Island final Monday 4th August at 9pm on ITV2



I'm off on a lads weekend.
My wife said "be good"
I said "of course, I never disappoint"





I didn't manage to watch the game last night but pornhub was streaming their event: cum on England




The Lionesses winning the Euros has shown the importance of grass roots.

Because there's no way I could watch that shit without smoking marijuana.




A lot of women say that they're uncomfortable with the male gaze when out in public. I would agree with that but go further and say let's not ignore the lesbians and queers.



Turkey recorded its highest temperature ever with 50.5°C recorded in Silopi.

Nobody likes Silopi Turkey.

Just as they don't like Silopi minge.




Turkey recorded its highest ever temperature with 50.5°C recorded in Silopi.

Turkey's cooking.




London to celebrate Lionesses with open-top bus parade.

Sadly not the kind of 'open-top' parade that would be worth watching.




"I honestly don't see what's wrong with my bumper sticker," I said, after the police came around.... "It's both motivational and pro-migrant !"

"It says - Keep Working; Millions of Migrants on Benefits are Counting on You !"





I met this girl in a pub last night, she goes " I call my fanny "The Lotto" because men are lucky to hit it"

I said " Looking at you, I thought its called "The Lotto" because you keep scratching it!



I was working in the bank yesterday when my old teacher who always said I'd never amount to anything came in asking for a loan.

I couldn't resist smiling to myself as he suddenly recognised me. I didn't say anything though, I just rinsed my mop and carried on cleaning the floor.




Single mums on dating apps; 'My baby daddy ain't shit!'

Strange. They're usually the right colour.




On the plus side, when society returns to sanity, and all this woke bullshit is behind us, it will be relatively easy to tell what parts of history, anatomy, geography, and political websites the gen Z morons had edited to make them match their warped opinions.

They'll be the sections with no grammar, no punctuation, abbreviated words, and full of emojis.




I hate double standards.
Some bird gets a
rampant rabbit and it's
seen as a bit of naughty
fun, but when I ordered
my 240 Volt FuckMaster
pro5000 blowup latex
doll with 6 speed
revolving pussy,
elasticated anus with
imitation shit dribble
and breast nipple
discharge, non-drip
semen collection tray,
together with optional
built in realistic rape
scream sound system,
I'm apparently some sort
of filthy fucking
pervert!!






Mad Mary was whizzing around the mental hospital in her wheelchair when she was stopped by crazy Carl.
"Licence please" said Carl. Mary sped off round the corner and bumped into loony Leon. "Insurance please" said Leon.
Off zoomed Mary again until she was stopped by donkey Dave, naked with a eight inch hard on. "Oh no" cried Mary, "Not the breathalyser again!"

[Bikkie]

Went for a meal at a Polish restaurant.

Never tried Kiwi before.



For the next month I'll be wearing pink to raise awareness for people who don't bother to separate laundry.




Words with different meanings, no: 28

" umbrage "

A Red-Indian river crossing




I wonder why Elon Musk hasn't provided the means for the first two people to have sex whilst in space. SpaceXXX?




The most popular boys name in England this year is
Dom Dom Dom drum roll !
Well fuck me it's

Mohammed !!!!

What a fucking surprise.




Donald Trump is reported to have issued an executive order imposing a 50% tariff on any tsunamis arriving on American shores, if true will that mean arriving tsunamis will be 50% bigger ?



SICKEST JOKE EVER?
Aman gets home from working a nightshift and decides to wake his wife by giving her oral sex.
He climbs under the bottom of the duvet, gently spreads her legs and licks her pussy till she quivers and cums all over his face.
He goes to the bathroom to clean up and finds his wife in there shaving her legs!
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN HERE"
he yells...
"Sshhh!" she says
"You'll wake your
mother!"




A guy asks his new girlfriend for a hand job.
"I've never done that,"
she says, "What do I do?"
Well remember when you were a kid and you'd
shake a coke bottle and sprayed your sister with it, that's
what you do. She nods, so he pulls it out and she grabs hold
of it and starts shaking it. A minute later he has tears running
down his face, snot flowing from his nose and wax flying from his ears.
She says, "What's wrong?" He cries, "TAKE YA FUCKIN THUMB OFF THE END!"




Paddy and Mick are in the pub talking about their sex lives.
Paddy boasts, "The wife and me Fuck like Rabbits every night."
"You lucky bastard" replies
Mick, "I only get it once a month and I call it TheBruce Lee Night."
"Why the fuck do you call it that?" asks Paddy. Mick replies, "Because it's the night I enter the Fuckin Dragon."




Guns v Women
SIX REASONS WHY MEN PREFER GUNS TO WOMEN

1.You can trade in an old 45 for a 22:

2.You can admire a friend's gun and he'll let you try it:

3.Your gun stays with you even if you run out of ammo:

4.Guns function normally 'everyday':

5.A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it:

And the best one.......

6.YOU CAN BUY A FUCKING SILENCER FOR A GUN!




Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight." His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm. ok, I'll do it on 2 conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second...we don't go down past my mother's house!"

[Bikkie]

Doctor, Doctor, every time I play cricket I can't resist the urge to throw food of a sweet or savoury nature, encased in pastry.

Sounds like a classic case of pie bowler disorder!



Difference between Donald Trump and Sheffield Wednesday.?.
Donald Trump can bring 2 subs on .




A priest dies and his spirit is in the void when a voice calls to him,
"Well my old son, you got it wrong, karma is the law of the universe and you need to go back and learn your lesson. "
"I understand, " said the priest, "but please, don't send me back as a priest, the things I did I'm really sorry for and I will need to learn restraint and compassion. "
"Oh, you don't get off that easy, " replied the voice, "you're going back as a choirboy. "




The hotel I'm staying at is hosting a battered wives convention.

Never realised cannibalism was so popular in Scotland.




President Trump to build $200m White House ballroom.

Somewhere to put his new gold airplane.



When Hamlet holds up a skull and talks to it saying things like "Alas, poor Yorick" in a Shakespeare play, everyone thinks it's high-class and sophisticated.
But when I do it, they say "You're scaring the children" and "Please leave the supermarket immediately" and "We're calling the police"



Marriage requires man to prepare 4 types of "rings."

The Engagement Ring

The wedding Ring

The suffe-Ring

The Endu-Ring




5 SECRETS TO A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP:

1.It's important to have a man who helps at home and knows how to cook, clean and has a job.

2.It's important to have a man who makes you laugh.

3.I's important to have a man you can trust and wants only you.

4.It's important to have a man who's good in bed and enjoys being with you.

5.It's absolutely vital these 4 men don't know each other!!!
( pass this on to all the women you know who need a laugh )




I've just come out of the 'Bakery' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage.
A homeless man sat there and said, "I've not eaten for 2 days." I told him, "I wish I had your will power."




The creation of a pussy:
7 wise men, with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design, first was a butcher, smart with wit, using a knife he gave it a slit, second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole, third was a Taylor, tall and thin, using red velvet, he lined it within. Fourth was a hunter short and stout, with fur from a fox, he lined it without.
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Last was a sailor, a dirty little cunt, sucked it and fucked it and called it a cunt. Then God came along dumb as a barge, stuffed it completely, put a woman in charge!




One of life's great mysteries:
How is it that a woman can fit a 7 inch vibrator into her half incf fanny IN THE DARK.....But she's unable to fit an 8 foot car into a 15 foot parking space IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?




A bloke catches a woman giving him the eye in the supermarket.
"Do I know you?" he says. She asks him. "Aren't you the father of one of my children?"
He quickly thinks back to the only time he was ever unfaithful and adds.
"Were you the hooker I had over the pool table while your mate spanked me with a
wet piece of celery while shoving a cucumber up my arse?"
"No" she replied, "I'm your daughter's teacher."




I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my misses walking down the aisle towards me.
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbelievable.
It seemed to take ages, but eventually there she was standing beside me.
I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "Get the trolley love. They're doing 3 cartons of TUI FOR THE PRICE OF 2




This fella hooked up with a girl with OCD
( Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ).
She told him she was obsessed with doing everything alphabetically.
So first they did it Anal, then she gave him a Blowjob, then her licked her Clit, and
then he took her Doggie style. Then he got up and got dressed.
She shouted , "What about E?" He said, "I've done E sweetheart-Ejaculated:.
"Now I'm doing F,G, and H....Fucking Going Home."






Karen Carpenter

No she was a singer




Bonnie Blue: 'I love being fucked by the public'.

Whilst the rest of us have to make do with the Government.





A new choirboy goes into a confession box and says to the priest, "Father, I want to confess."
"Go on, my son," said the priest.
"Father... I'm gay..."




UEFA have announced that in the upcoming Afcon tournament as well as red and yellow cards for discipline there will also be a black card which can be used by any team if they are unhappy with the referees performance and their bottom lips start to tremble

Expect many of these cards also to be made avialble to the die hard ultra fans for use after 70 minutes of continuous annoying blowing into those droning things vuvu erm voovoo erm vovo erm Woghorns





Please turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
37OHSSV O773H




A kid sat on the stairs with his cat and his smarties. As his mum watched, he put a smartie in his mouth licked the cat and moved down a step, he then put another smartie in his mouth , licked the cat again moved down another step. His mum puzzled at his actions, asked what are you doing? He said I'm getting some practice in for when I'm older. How's that? I'm popping pills, licking pussy and moving on.




WOMEN eh!

Boobjobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, Botox, pierced ears, pierced nipples , pierced bellies, pierced clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpit shaved, legs waxed lenghty diets, strenuous exercise, and THEN.............................................. ......

They won't take it up the arse.
"Coz it hurts"




Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have a euro between them.
Paddy goes off and buys a sausage. Murphy says. "Are you mad?" "Now we're skint!" "Come on" says Paddy "Follow me" They go into the pub order 2 pints and drink them before they pay. Paddy shoves the sausage throuht the zipper of his jeans and tells Murphy to get down on his knees and suck it. The barman goes berserk and throws them out. 10 pubs and 10 pints later Murphy says, " I can't do this any more my knees are sore and I'm pissed." "How do you think I feel?" says Paddy, "I can't remember which pub I lost the sausage in..."

[Bikkie]

I'm on holiday in Amsterdam at the moment, and this week they had a Pride festival.

The streets weren't too busy, though.

I think most of them went up the canal.



Francis Rossi told me he was planning on releasing a reggae album.

I told him to stick to the status quo



During the first lesson, my magic teacher told me I could pull off the weird and wonderful.

I left.

Gay cunt.




My marriage to the missus resembles a rose ...
She the rose and I'm the prick




New definitions...

VPN.

View Porn Now.




Who knew getting a VPN could be so educational, I've had that many wanks the last few days I'm nearly fluent in french






Before meeting the German chancellor, Donald Trump, remembering Kennedy’s famous German quote in Berlin over 60 years ago decided to go one better so he invited the German ambassador for tea at Trump Tower. Trump rudely stated his desire to learn a German phrase to use on the Chancellor. The ambassador controlled his anger and after about 30 difficult minutes Trump was finally able to speak a phrase in the German language.
The meeting with the Chancellor took place in the Oval Office and was broadcast live on Television in both the USA and Germany. The German greeted Donald in English and Trump proudly said “ Ich bin eine Schlampe”.
Everyone in the office loudly agreed, applauded and cheered.


It wasn’t until much later that a harried junior aide explained the the German word ‘schlampe’ actually meant ‘twat’,



My girlfriend just left me because I have a small Penis.....

Ahh well..I wasn't that much into her




Pat Pending? I went to school with him.

Very protective of his stuff.



I am not a conspiracy theorist. All I’m saying is that if we had really landed on the moon in the summer of 69, it would have been far more noteworthy than Jimmy quitting or Jody getting married. Yet Bryan Adams never mentioned it…



William Shakespeare couldn't decide whether to set his new play in a seaside town in Devon.

Torquay or not Torquay that is the question



Sometimes...When
you cry...no one sees
your tears...
Sometimes...When you
are in pain...no one sees your hurt...Sometimes...When you are worried...no one sees your stress...Sometimes...When you are happy...no one sees your smile...But try masturbating in Woolworths car park just one fucking time and see how much attention you get.
Can you pick me up from the police station?




Bloke goes into a bar and nails a quadruple whiskey in one.
Barman says, "What's up?"
Bloke says, "I came home from work early to find my wife sucking off my best friend."
"What did you do?" asks the barman. "I told her to pack her things and fuck off!
"And what about your best friend?" "I looked him straight in the eye and said, BAD DOG NO BISCUITS."




Skinny white man goes into lift and looks up at this huge black man, who says, "Before you ask, 7ft tall, 350lbs, 20inch dick and my balls weigh 3lb each, Turner Brown's the name."
At which point the white guy faints, when he comes to, he asks the black man to say that again.
Black man repeats his stats and says, "My names Turner Brown."
"Thank God for that. I thought you said, TURN AROUND!:




An Arab national is interviewed at the Embassy for a visa:

Consul: Your name please?

Arab: Abu Zina.

Consul: Sex?

Arab: Every day.

Consul: Er, I mean, male or female?

Arab: Don't matter, sometimes even Camel.

Consul: Holy cow!

Arab: Yes, cows and donkey too.

Consul: Isn't that hostile?

Arab: Hosstyle, Dogstyle, any style!..

Consul: Oh dear!

Arab: No deer! Arsehole too tight and run too fast.




Kindy Girl says, "Mummy, I know where babies come from!" Mum replies "Where's that then darling?"
Girl says. "Mummy and Daddy take their clothes off and Daddy's thingy sort of sticks out. Mummy puts it in her mouth and sucks it and that's how you get babies!"
Shaking her head Mum says, "Oh darling, that's not how we get babies. That's how we get flowers, jewellery, clothes, shoes and all the decorating done!




Happy and sad:
A husband and wife were sitting watching TV, when he turned to his wife and said..."Babe, tell me something that will make me feel happy and sad all at the same time."
She said..."You've got the biggest cock out of all your mates...




I just heard on the news that someone checked into the psych ward wearing only a thong and riding a goat. I will come and get you this time...,But this shit has to stop!!!!



SICKEST JOKE OF THE YEAR AWARD-Litttle boy comes into the kitchen one day and says to his mum, 'Granny's got a prawn!"
Mum asks, "What on earth do you mean?"
Boy takes his mum and shows his grandma ,stark naked asleep on the sofa, points to grandma's protruding clitoris and says, "Granny's got a prawn!"
His mum whispers..."That's your grandma's clitoris son"
To which the little boy replied, "Well it tastes like a prawn."

[Bikkie]

My kid came home the other day very upset.
Apparently her school friends were making fun of her because her 'Parents' were so different form all of theres and they found it weird.

So I sat down with her and explained that unfortunately you cant choose in life who you fall in love with and how you decide to bring up your children.

'But that is so unfair, ' she said, 'Why do I have to have a Daddy AND a Mummy, and why do we all have to be white. Its so different at school' she said.




My wife asked me if she is the only one I've had sex with.

I said, "Of course you are, the rest of them were 8s 9s and 10s.'




See Bono is in a Mental health rehab centre. He's checked himself in after years and years of repeated torture by a Guitar player.
Apparently he's close to the Edge.



My new Asian mail-order bride just got here and is about 3 days out of the crate from Vietnam, and already she's complaining about my "absurdly tiny penis."

"It's not like you aren't fucking used to it, where you're from," I said, as I carried on violently thrusting.




"Give it to me!" she
screamed "I'm so
fucking wet. I want it
now!"
She could scream all she
wanted but I was keeping the umbrella!




Man goes to doctors for cock extension. Doc suggests baby elephant's trunk
stitched on for $3000.Man agrees. 6 weeks later while having dinner with new
woman he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks "This is the night!"
while chatting over dinner his cock fly's out, steals an apple off the table and goes back.
"Wow!" she says, "Can you do that again?" he says, "My cock can but I don't think my arse can take another apple."




Apple announced today the development of a microchip that can be implanted into a woman's breast and play music.
The i-tit will cost $999 and is regarded as a major breakthrough as women are always moaning that men just stare at
their tits and never listen to them!





What's the difference between Meghan Markle and Bryan Kohberger?

Bryan Kohberger is only hated in Idaho.




Breaking news:

Prince Andrew's 'royal title could be at risk'.

Not as much as young girls.




A computer that generates sexist jokes has been developed by scientists at Edinburgh University.
It was doing quite well, until they let some bird have a go and she crashed it.



A boob, a vagina and an arsehole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them!
...BOOB: --"I give milk to newborn babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"
...VAGINA"--"That's nothing, I give birth to new born and accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I am greatest!"...
Why
are you scrolling down?? It's your turn to speak...




Mount Rushmore used to be an area of unpresidented beauty.




KFC have just added the 'Bonnie Blue' to their menu.

It's a large Family Box filled with Mayo.




A kiwi bloke gets a job in a maternity unit and was asked to bath a wee Māori baby.
The nurse walks in to see him moving the baby around the bath with a stick.
"You don't bath a baby using a stick." said the nurse. He replied, "You do when the waters this fucking hot!"






Paddy was telling Mick
about his first skydive.
"When I got to the door, I couldn't jump. So, the 6ft7 black instructor
unzips his fly and drops out his 12inch dick and says if you don't jump, you're going to get this baby up your arse!"
Mick asks, "Did you jump?"
Paddy replies. "A little bit when it first went in."


I was in the pet shop
last week when I noticed a black guy with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched in his shoulder.
"Where did you get that from?" I asked, "The jungle, there's loads of them!" said the parrot.




Took this girl out last
night and she ordered the most expensive items on the menu. I asked..."Does your mother feed you like that at home?"
"No" she replied. "But my mother's not expecting her cock sucked and her balls licked tonight!"...
My reply..."Good point. enjoy your dinner."



Fair play to my Chinese neighbour; he's got some balls

The optician told him he needed glasses - but instead he chose a circumcision on both eyes




Some bloke came into my shop and said, "why is your exit sign flickering on and off? "
I said, "it's on the way out.



Paddy: I see a Dutch museum is displaying a 200 year old condom made from a sheep's appendix.

Murphy: Finally, art I can understand.



If a mime artist gets arrested do they get told they have the right to talk?




I take U 2 Be My
Lawful Wedded Texting
Buddy, 2 Have & 2
Harass, In Rich Quotes
& funny Jokes, Till low battery or credit do us
part.
( send 2 all ur txt buddies )




A 992 I
Toibi biquT2
TA pnilim2
9M
put ur phone up 2
mirror 4 the code.




The Beer Prayer:
Our beer, which
art in barrels, Hallowed
be thy drink.Thy will be
drunk, I will be drunk, At
home as it is in
public, Forgive us this
day our daily spillage, As
we forgive those who
spilliest against us, And
lead us not into the
practice of sissy wine
tasting, And deliver us
from D U I'S, For mine is
the barley, The hops and
the malt, Forever and
ever, BARMEN




3 parrots for sale,$100
$200 and $15. Woman
asks why is that parrot
so cheap? Shopkeeper
replies that it used to
live in a brothel.
Woman thinks it funny
so she buys the parrot.
When she gets it home
the parrot says fuck me
a new brothel.
The woman laughs.
Her two daughter's come home
and the parrot says fuck me new
prostitutes the daughter's laugh.
The husband comes home and the
parrot says fuck me Keith I haven't seen you in weeks.




I LOOOVVVVEEE
YOUUU!: Whoever stops this will be unhappy for nine months. Tell nine people you love them, I
hope I am one. A FLOWER MAY DIE! THE SUN MAY SET! BUT A FRIEND LIKE YOU I WILL NEVER FORGET! YOUR NAME IS PRECIOUS! IT WILL NEVR GROW OLD! ITS ENGRAVED IN MY HEART IN LETTERS OF GOLD!
send this to all your family and friends!
If you get 3 back you will get good news tonight!




I'm gonna go down on you and you're gonna love it, it's only gonna be long enough for you to start to enjoy it then I'll come back up and fuck you big time.
Yours sincerely, petrol prices.




Ahmad and Habbib are
both beggars in Bankstown. Habbib begs just as long as Ahmad but only collects $2 to $3 everyday. Ahmad brings home a suitcase Full of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, owns a block of units and has a lot of money to spend. Habib says to Ahmad,"I beg just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes everyday?"
Ahmad says,"Look at your sign, what does it say?" Habib sign reads
'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to suport' Ahmad says "No wonder you only get $2-$3 a day, my sign says" 'I only need another $10 to move back to Lebanon.'




Two gays are shagging in an alley when a policeman arrives. One runs off, but the policeman grabs the other. "You dirty, fucking bastards. I f I'd caught your mate, this batten would've gone right up his arse!"
A voice shouts, "Yoo hoo, I'm in the wheelie bin....!!

[Bikkie]

It's said women have a lady garden.

Katie Price has a huge shed with the doors open.

Where men put their dirty tools.




My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with Frank Sinatra.

Oh well that's life




Women nowadays all say they want a man over 6 foot with plenty of money in the bank, but at the same time hate Donald Trump

[Bikkie]

Am I the only person who thought the relationship between Sturgeon & Salmond was a bit fishy?



Jellyfish swarm forces French nuclear plant to shut.

Proving that the French have less backbone than creatures without a backbone.




Scientists find people who live to 100 all share a 'superhuman' ability.

They don't get sick.




My girlfriend found out that I was an organ trafficker.

"How can you do that," she yelled. "You don't have a heart!"

"I've got four actually," I replied.



Irish and American girls.

Is it like, or is it, like?

(Don't forget to like this. Like.)







I wouldn't say my sister was dumb but she thinks the asteroid belt is what Brian Cox uses to hold up his trousers.




All this talk about "smashing people smuggling gangs" on the news. They're not smashing at all, they're horrible criminals.



Neil Young

No he's 79



So lumps in the Hemisphere are called Asstoroids.
Lumps on your ass are called Hemiroids.

Is it just me?????




Who would've thought that in 1969 Lulu had the answer to the migrant boats?

Boom bang a bang




Now at last we know what happens to all those bits of foreskin the Jews cut off.

They form a government

[Bikkie]

Three arrests made at final Oasis gig in Edinburgh, police say.

Liam, Noel and the drummer is my guess.



"I'm tired of people telling me what I should do," I said to my wife. "I'm just going to tell them to fuck off."

"You should try be nicer and see things from their point of view," she replied.

"Fuck off," I said.



58 years on, my wife still has the physique and look of a world-class athlete.

It's Jocky Wilson and darts, but still...




`
I thought fruit flies liked fruit... specifically bananas.
So why are there 30 on a teabag in the bin and at least 50 on one of the wife's used tampons?



Jim Nasium

I went to school with him.

Nice kid.

Physically, quite fit.

Loved a leotard.




Still getting used to my curfew ankle tag after recently being released from prison.
Just taking it step by step.





When asked what Melania thought of Trump's upcoming summit with Putin, he said "Alasker"



Did you hear about the dirty Irish policeman that got sent down for sexual harassment.

His name was Copa Feil







Phillip Schofield and male friend stagger out of pub in the afternoon after drinking and playing snooker.

Deciding to pot the brown and not the pink after the red.



I gave the shop assistant my lottery ticket to check.

When she put it in the machine it made that winning sound.

However she said that she couldn't pay me.

I asked why not, she replied "Because we don't have £100 million in the till".

Then I woke up.

[Bikkie]

Abdul and myself were walking past a school when an absolute stunning young girl around 14 came out of the gate, she has everything, huge tits, long dark hair, a voluptuous arse and a beauty of a natural Spanish senorita.

"Fuck me, " said Abdul, "I'll bet she was fit when she was younger. "



What's the difference between Gemma Collins and Donald Trump?

Trump only has two courses when he goes to Scotland




Samuel L Jackson and Oedipus.

Brothers from another motherfucker.




Prince Andrew has that Friday feeling already

Two girl guides arriving at Buckingham Palace ready for him to touch up any minute now




I fought an Asian boxer who was hard as nails.

Paki Ow!.






The teacher asked little Gary to use a sentence containing the word contagious.

He replied "My dad saw the neighbour painting his house with a small brush, so he reckoned it would take the cunt ages".



Phil Harmonic

I went to school with him.

Nice kid.

Later played in some music band or other.




"BREAKING NEWS: POLICE OFFICER JAILED FOR STEALING WOMANS UNDERWEAR DURING SEARCH"

Now you know why they're called The Filth.




There's a new Michelin starred restaurant for whales.

They love the mixed krill.

[Bikkie]

I always found The Empire Strikes Back a bit far-fetched.

I mean, come on, a black guy who admits to being the father?



Martin Sheen American

Barry Sheen British

Mr Sheen polish




Edward Tudor Pole.

He was drunk and hungry




What happens if a lesbian catches fire..?

...she becomes part of the LGBBQ




When I was younger, I tried to FastTrack my way to becoming famous by starting a pirate radio-station.

Unfortunately, it seemed that literally no one had any interest in Sea shanties.




Connie Chiwa

I went to school with her.

Nice girl, Asian.

Always said hello.




What politicians say, and what they really mean:

* * *

Unemployment will be a thing of the past.
For me, if I am elected.

There will be no new taxes.
Just more of the old ones.

Education will be my top priority.
Since I've got a lot to learn.

I'll stop the spread of drugs.
By cutting the budget for chemists.

Deficit spending must end.
So, donate to my campaign now.

I honour the public servants who risk their lives every day.
So I don’t have to.

I demand a thorough independent review.
While we scramble to cover up all incriminating evidence.

It won't be easy, but it's the right thing to do.
Since only my base supports it.

We need a change at 10 Downing.
Because I've always wanted to see my portrait hanging there.

For me, this issue is personal.
Because I remember when I used to be just like you.

All options are on the table.
Even though we've already made our decision.





Went to a pub earlier and the barmaid was outside with a couple of bouncers.

No security staff, just her and her massive tits.



I feel sorry for the scouser getting nicked for a racial gardening crime.

Its difficult to know the difference between a shovel & a spade.




A guy comes out of his office and addresses the group of people milling around…

“If you lot are here for the yodelling audition can you please form a orderlay, orderlay, orderlay queue-hoooo”



Pugh, Pugh, Barney Mc Grew, Cutherbert, putin & trump.

What a Merry go round




Taylor Swift hasn't had a hit in a while.

It seems she has run out of material.

She will have to dump Travis Kelce, he's worth an album or two.



Facial recognition cameras are to be used at this year's Notting Hill Carnival....and then black and white printers for the wanted posters




Facial recognition tech 'too racially biased ' to be used at Notting Hill Carnival, organizers say, after it identified every attendee as a potential criminal.



The wife wanted me to get fit via an Asian martial art.

To be fair, this chai tea involves a lot of arm lifting.






Why will you never see me with a Thai girlfriend?

I have a nut allergy.






Just opened my fridge and got a strong smell of basil.
Think it might be faulty.



A little about me;

I live in Glasgow, and my main hobbies are listening to gangsta rap and playing Grand Theft Auto.

Only problem is, I can never quite be sure whether the sirens are coming from the stereo, the PlayStation or the street outside.



Words with different meanings, no: 142

" Rampart "

Cockney-themed tattooing of the buttocks



Maeve Bindun

I used to work with her.

Nice woman but copied everything.

Had déjà vu often.

Her memory wasn't great either.



In the NEWS: Sir Billy Connolly issues an alarming warning to fans in new statement warning fans about scammers impersonating him online.

How do we know he issued the statement though?



Given that tickling yourself doesn't work the same as someone else tickling you, we really got lucky with masturbation.




Given that tickling yourself doesn't work the same as someone else tickling you, we really got lucky with masturbation.




Transplant games...I didn't even know plants could be trans....whatever next ?



If comet 31/Atlas does turn out to be an alien mothership heading towards earth in response to us sending out Pioneer 10 and 11, that had an engraving of a Man and Woman.
The aliens are going to be proper confused when they get here.

[Bikkie]

Everyone calls it tofu, I prefer toffu.

I cook mine in caramel.




Tofu originated in China and is now popular the world over.

Someone definitely saw a chink in the market.




This year:

Lex Luthor dead.

General Zod dead.

Nuclear Man might want to be careful..




"There she was just walking down the street, singing Doo wah Diddy Diddy dum Diddy doo, snapping her fingers and shuffling her feet, singing doo wah Diddy Diddy dum Diddy doo...she looked good......."

I think you mean she looked deranged




Prince Andrew loves playing poker in Germany

Especially when he gets four of a kind




Last night I did my chore in the house and loaded the dishwasher.

Orgasmed in her anus three times last night.




Black is Black, I want my Baby back...

Who remembers this song?

None of the fucking fathers thats for sure!




"Gloria Gaynor Getting Pushback Now For Daring to Receive Trump Kennedy Center Honor"

Somehow, I think she will survive.



Meghan Markle sports more than £237,000 worth of jewellery to cook a pasta recipe for the commoners on Netflix show.

Her £170 titanium pan was calling her black.



When I was at school, a kid said to me "my dad's bigger than your dad"

I thought to myself "that's weird, when has he seen both our dad's with a hard on?"

[Bikkie]

In a recent statement, President Trump said Russia is a country that "doesn’t make anything."

Vladimir Putin said, "That’s not true, we’re making Ukraine into Russia."



When black people share their music with the world, the loudest and most obscene rap music, it barely gets noticed.

When I blare my music out of my vehicle at top decibel, Offenbach's Orpheus aux Enfers or Schubert's Unfinished Symphony, I truly get the strangest looks.




I've only done a couple of steps today

Claire up the shitter and Faye in her gob



My mate attended a speed awareness course and said it lasted five hours.

Mine was much quicker than that.



Noel Clarke set to reprise his role as a suicide bomber from Star Trek Into Darkness in the next film..

Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan's London





I saw a hen today that had a crystal ball.

I asked the farmer about it.

"Well, " said the Farmer, "he's a chicken that uses it to get in touch with the Other Side of the road."



The manager of Tesco's is asking customers to stop bringing knives into the stores.

He said, "It’s our job to rob you guys."

[Bikkie]

What do you get if you mix a nigger with an octopus?

I have no idea, but it's damn good at picking cotton.



A black bloke at work today proclaimed that he "Only dates black women". I asked " Isn't that kind of racist?", and he said "Na man. When black women have thick lips, a wide noses, and dark rings around their eyes, no one sees any difference, but when a white chick looks like that you get assholes calling the cops and reporting you for beating her".

Oddly, it seems that idea of NOT punching women hasn't ever occurred to him.




Who else is hoping this 3i/atlas is full of giant ananarchi birds looking for snoo snoo like in Futurama?




Anyone else think the Womens Rugby is fantastic?

Just a little hint to help the referees though:

When a 5'5" 17 stone munster with side burns, goatee & a skinhead haircut throws the ball in from the side line & you blow the whistle and shout "not straight" you could be stating the fucking obvious!




Claire Skies? I went to school with her.

She's a meteorologist now







from Dr Who and Star Trek, to Comet and Starbucks.

Noel Clarke's stellar career continues to be out of this world!




I was about to have sex with this fat chick I picked up and she said, " Please don't break my heart". I assured her that my cock will not reach that far.



I asked my daughter what she would like to be when she grows up.

She replied, "I want to be like Mum"

Horrible!!!



Fun fact.
Did you know that chesney hawkes in Spanish is
Juan Anonli.



Bobby Brazier, 22, is quitting showbiz and moving to India to pursue the Hare Krishna religion.

From eastenders to eastern benders



"Dad, today we were learning in school about how last names came from what people did hundreds of years ago, and the other kids all started making fun of me."
"I'll hear no more of this, young man, you should be proud to be a Dickinson".



We all have our vices, for example English men like to drink lager whereas Pakistani men like to fuck kids.

And then the drunk English men put the Pakis' balls in a vice and extract their confessions.

[Bikkie]

"Yo, motherfucker, where my kids at?"

Said no black man ever.



After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me sheÂ’s pregnant

She has the worst stutter ever




Match the anagram to the constituency:

SHOOT TRUMP - INVERNESS

HE'S RICH ETC - LOWESTOFT

SINKS BOAT E.G - TOWCESTER

A MINT THONG - ALFRETON

BARE NEED - ATHERSTONE

FUR LINED MEN - CARLISLE

SHAVE ME - NOTTHINGHAM

GRIND THROB - DONCASTER

SHED RED FLUID - SWANSEA

WANT CHIN - DUNFERMLINE

CAN'T LASER - BAKE WELL

WAS SANE - HUDDERSFIELD

WEEK BALL - PORTSMOUTH

SOW PORK - WARRINGTON

I'LL SCARE - HARROGATE

ICY LIBERAL - EVESHAM

NEVER SINS - ABERREEN

STASH BIN - WORKSOP

FRIES MUD - BRIDGNORTH

GEAR OR HAT - CHICHESTER

GROW THIN - DUMFRIES

LOT OF STEW - HASTINGS

MORA LEFT - LANCASTER

RETEST COW - MANTWICH

THE ONE STAR - WORTHING

CAR STONED - BILLERICAY

WART ON CHIN - BASINGSTOKE

Inspired by risco



It's a well known fact that Blacks can run faster, jump higher & put more balls through hoops then any other race.

To be honest I don't think Police Dogs get the credit they deserve.




What do you call 3 Black Women born in Nigeria playing Rugby for Ireland?

O'Really!

[Bikkie]

I have just recently found out my wife is pregnant.

So she sent me to the shop to buy a marternity bra.

The girl asked me "What bust"

"The damn condom!"




Dr Who series finale:

Billie Piper and her milf mother fighting off Noel Clarke in her London flat..

The Doctor crashes down the door and fires his sonic screwdriver at Noel..

"Ow!' shouts Noel as he withdraws his machete..

"If you strike me down i will become more powerful than you could imagine.." The Doctor warns Noel.

"Is you dizzy blud? That's from star wars init!" He snarled as he lunged toward The Doctor stabbing and slashing him repeatedly ..

As Noel runs out the flat Billie and her mother cradle the dying Doctor weeping uncontrollably..

"Well I suppose there's worse ways to go.." the Doctor gasped as he stared at their heaving bosoms.. "Here I go.. Ohhh"

The Doctor regenerated as Billie and her mum recoiled in shock..

'Don't tell me, I'm Black.'.. (he stared at the two women's pretty faces and chests, feeling nothing..) 'and gay..'




Pest controllers say the UK is on the brink of a 'vermin explosion'.

Well, that's what happens when you let Islamic fundamentalists in.




My neighbour Abdul was telling all about his trip to Disney World, in particular their new ride, "ICE"

"It's fucking great", he said.

You get blindfolded, chucked into a van, searched to within a millimetre of your prostate and flown on a fighter jet to the nearest airport where they take you home"



Technology giant Apple has announced it has gone into partnership with a Korean car manufacturer to produce a new line of flat pack furniture.

The new brand will be called i-Kia.




Taylor Swift has got engaged then.
Let's hope a sex tape comes out so we can all have a good look at her ring.




There's a place in Dublin named Pump Wood.

It must be where gays take their doggers.




Golfer Tommy Fleetwood is 34 and his wife is 57.

Tommy's father is in his 60s, so 57 is still below Pa.




A lot of people were complaining that there was a woman breastfeeding in public, so I had no choice but to stand up for her.

I couldn't get a good view sitting down.




Word of warning: if you're steaming drunk and a bird asks if you'd like to see her 'gaff' make sure it's not actually a crossdresser wanting to show you her fake minge...

[Bikkie]

What have Bavarians and Gemma Collins got in common?

They all love München




What have Katie Price and Manchester City got in common?

They both have easy draws



I was walking past Old Trafford this morning and noticed a Season Ticket had been nailed to the gate. I thought, I'm having that. You never know when you'll need a nail.




The oriental guy at work has been in a near-rage all morning, because he found out that his daughter has been working as a stripper in France to pay for her expensive tuition there.

I didn't help when I told him I'm sure she puts the Mulan in Moulin Rouge.






MSP Colin Smyth suspended from Scottish Parliament over allegations of hidden camera placed in toilets.

What an idiot.

If he wanted to see a load of twats, dicks and arseholes, he could've just looked at the building's CCTV footage.



I was cut up by a Sikh in an Audi earlier and the bastard still managed to stick his turbaned-head out the window and give me a volley of expletitives

Definite case of road Raj





What have Katie Price and nostalgic chocolate enthusiasts got in common?

Neither can remember the last time they had a big Yorkie inside them




Rick Tangle. Went to school with him.

He was kinda square.




I had my heart broken by a communist

I should've seen the red flags




I went to school with Sue Donym.

Nice girl, not sure that was her real name

[Bikkie]

Psychologists have found that going to sleep early may help ward off mental illness.

In other words,

if you stayed up late to find a non ID porn site you’re insane....



What's the difference between Gemma Collins and a football pitch?

The pitch only has 22 starters



I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics.

Two birds, one stone.



Just seen a tv advert for Jean Claude Gaultier perfume.

Must be getting close to Christmas then.




It's a misconception that as we get older we become more racist.

We just become more honest.




How do you remove Mike Tyson's gumshield?

Ask him to say " S Club 7 "



I was in a band called, The Prevention.

We were better than The Cure.




Why is it that they keep telling us that fat people
are dying of heart attacks and heart disease in the
news,the papers, and online,YET when you go in
the Heart Foundation Charity Shop there isn't a bit
of clothing larger than a medium to be found.




Bruce Willis is going into a care home.

He goes from battling terrorists/asteroids/ghosts
and Sam Jackson, to fighting illegal immigrant carers
stealing his personal belongings, sub standard chefs
making his dinner. and his family draining all his bank accounts .

[Bikkie]

Just saw the new Mission Impossble movie.

I can't believe Tom Cruise still does all his own Scientology.




I was buying my 4th house, and before I paid my property tax, I asked if the Rayner deal was still available.

The bloke said, I'll ask you a few questions and we'll see if you qualify....
"Have you created trust funds for all your children to reduce your tax?
Is everything in your Wife's name?
Do you have a bank account in a tax-free haven?"

Yes, yes and yes, I replied.

Thank you, sir - nothing to pay today.




What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.




One time I was in a corner shop, and saw a young boy pick up a Mars bar and slip it into his pocket.

Then the shopkeeper appeared and shouted, "Oi, you! Hands off!"

They don't fuck about in Saudi Arabia.




A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some
extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find
her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house
and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."




An anti-semite is drinking in a bar.
He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!" Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin. The Jew smiles back.
The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression. "Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!"
He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew." The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.
Furious, the anti-semite says, "Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?" "Oh no, sir, he's the owner."



What's the difference between Valve and uranium?

Uranium gets to its half-life on time.



"My first son has a PHD in arts, my daughter has two degrees in communication and jornalism and my youngest son is a burglar."
Friend: "Wow a burglar? You should kick him out!"
Dad: "Nah... he is the only one who makes money."



How Long is a chinese name?

Yes it is.




Black people use hot sauce on everything because they have developed a taste for pepper spray.




What's the difference between a feminist and a baby?

The baby eventually grows up and stops crying.




If a girl fucks more than 10 guys in a year she's called a slut.
But if a bloke does it he's gay, definitely gay.



On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.

Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...

... and stuck my cock in her mouth.




I've had it up to here with jokes that rely on visual imagery.




Do you want to join the Alzheimer's protest march? If so, learn the chant...

"What do we want?"

"I don't know!"

"When do we want it?"

"Want what?"




On our wedding night my new bride said she'd give me a blowjob every day if I could prove I'd never been with anyone else.

So I said, "What's a blowjob?"




I said to my mate, "I saw a man get thrown under a bus today!"

He said, "Oh my God, was it moving?"

I said, "Well a few on-lookers were crying but I was fine."




How come the movie 'White Men Can't Jump' isn't racist, yet, when I try to make a movie called 'Black Men Can't Get Jobs,' I get called a racist?




I'm adopted, and I'm glad my parents were at least honest enough to tell me.

But why everyday?




What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese telephone.




I'm having an African themed party tonight.

There's no food and the drinks are 12 miles away.




I went to my local supermarket and they offered me a 'bag for life'. I said, "No thanks, I'm already married.

[Bikkie]

Lots of guys name their penis, so I called mine Goldilocks. It's not small but it's also not too big. It's just right.

And there's plenty of porridge for everyone.




The Sun: Katie Price riding high at number 3.

Bit of a way to go to catch Lily Phillips, girl.




I was sunbathing in Benidorm while my wife walked back and forth.

She then asked, "What do you think about my new flip flops?"

I replied, "Please put your bra back on."




Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but fuck me the pass the parcel was quick!




What do a cell phone and anal bleach have in common?

They both change your ring tone.



If sex between three people is called a Threesome and sex between two people is called a Twosome...

Then why is Handsome still a compliment?




When meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time, it's hard not to think to yourself...

"I've licked your daughter's nipples."



I've just upgraded to Sky HD.

I'm impressed.
The phrase 'No satellite signal is being received' has never been so colourful and clear.




I said to my mate, "I watched the Olympic Weightlifting Competition."

He said, "The men's or women's?"

I said, "I haven't got a fucking clue."




My 16 year-old girlfriend's parents were round for dinner last night, after trying her brilliant cooking they asked her what her secret was.

Perfect time to tell them she's pregnant.



What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise.



I was recently turned down on my application for an Australian green card, on account of my criminal record.
Bit fucking ironic is it not?



When God created Adam and Eve, he spoke and said, "I have two gifts to give to each of you. First! One of you can have the ability to pee wherever ye shall please!"
Right away, Adam jumped up and said, "Oh! Me! I want that one!"
And God said, "But you haven't heard what the other gift is!"
And Adam said, "I don't care! I want that one!"
So, God sighed, "Fine. It shall be yours!"
God made it so, and Adam started jumping up and down and running all over the place and peeing wherever he wanted.
Then God looked at Eve and sighed, "I guess you're stuck with multiple orgasms."



Why did the feminist refuse to work at the post office?

Because it was a mail dominated industry




My wife has always proclaimed that there is nothing more painful than childbirth.

Clearly never trodden on a plug in the middle of the night then!




Whenever my anorexic girlfriend says she needs a pee, I never know if she needs the toilet or she's just hungry.

[Bikkie]

A new study shows 88% of people disapprove of texting while walking.

The other 12% have been killed...





What's the difference between a teddy-bear and Gemma Collins?

You won't be surprised to see Gemma Collins having a picnic in the woods (although you might still better close your eyes)




Father Ted writer Graham Linehan has been arrested by 5 armed police at Heathrow, for tweeting "If a trans-identified male is in a female-only space, he is committing a violent, abusive act.

"Make a scene, call the cops and if all else fails, punch him in the balls."

Wait until they find this fuckin place...we're fucked!

I'm hoping a certain Kingjongtrump is indeed who he says he is, and issues a few Royal Pardons



Men v women
we see things differently,
For instance I come home to a dark house and question what's with the candles and darkness have we had a power cut, or are we trying to contact the dead.
She replies it's romantic and relaxing.
They don't come with a manual do they,ffs!




Average white band

No they're rather good actually



Sting being sued by Police bandmates:

Bet you feel So Lonely now your mates Don't Stand so Close to You.

Ah Well Every Pound You Take.

No point putting your head in the sand saying Da do do do .......




Sting Stung




Gordon Sumner sued by Police in Autumn sting.




I asked the wife if she was in the mood,

"Which particular fucking mood are you referring to?" she snapped at me.

I guess that was no then.



Phil Anthropy

I went to school with him.

Always giving his pocket money away.




Drew Peacock

I worked with him.

Nice fella.

Said he had erectile problems, though.




Prince Andrew has launched his own brand of biscuits aimed at appealing to children

They're called "Jammie Todgers"



My gay boss asked me to move his car this morning, when I got in, there was this button on the dashboard saying rear wiper, I thought mmmm. better not.




"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.




I was sitting on the train next to this really hot Thai girl and I thought to myself, “Please don’t get an erection, please don’t get an erection."

But she did!




I shouted a taxi driver over and saw he was a muslim.
I said "How much to the airport mate?", "£50 mate" he replied.
So, i gave him the money and told him to fuck off.



I saw a woman breastfeeding in the park the other day. "Look love, there's a time and place for that.", I said.
"Typical bloody man!" she spat.
"I bet you spend all your time wanking over pictures of tits on the internet, but you can't handle seeing them used as nature intended?"
"I like looking at women's arses too, it doesn't mean I want to see you taking a shit." I replied.



When I was young my parents would warn me that if I was bad the boogie man would come and get me.

I was never scared though, I fucking loved disco music.



My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.




How many protestors do you need to change a lightbulb?

Trick question. Protestors don't change anything.




After an extremely generous redundancy package from the herb and spice company I was working at, I thought I would be able to enjoy not working for at least 6 months before finding another job, but I've just got too much thyme on my hands.




People overcome adversity all the time son... Look at Beethoven.

They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?



A priest walks up to a prostitute and says "'Excuse me but what would your mother do if she saw you here?"
The prozzy replies."She'd kill me.This is her corner."



Which of the American forces is the most patriotic?

The Air Force, because its US AF.



Studies show women only make 85 cents for every buck a man makes, but court documents show women get 85 cents for every buck a man has.




I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

[Bikkie]

Study reveals women prefer larger penises.

Hardly surprising.

Most of the women I know go out with enormous dicks.




Mastermind:
Such clever intelligent Women who can quote pye to 33 decimal points & the exact curvature of the Earth at any given time without even thinking.

Mastermind:
such fat fucking Women who can eat 33 pies without even knowing the curvature of their own bodies & still think they're fucking intelligent.



I have only one word for women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and a high sex drive

Hello!




Love Me Do was written by John Lennon after he'd been to the barbers.



An Imam of a mosque in Northampton has been charged with the offence of marrying 2 Children.

In his defence he has said that not all Women can ride a bike & Allah preaches safety & just because
the bride had stabilizer's on her bike was no indication of her age & equally after the ceremony when the
happy couple left in the husbands pedal car showed complete regard for the fact he hadn't passed his test.



Am suing my DR for a wrongful medical diagnosis.

He said I have a drink problem but as I pointed out I have no problem drinking, my problem is stopping!




A new study this week found that women prefer bigger penises.

Well I say, "too bad."



All this talk about liverpool spending a fortune in the transfer window flies in the face of the fact that their tight cunts. Jota n Andre had a bbq and didn't invite no fucker!



Ninja have produced the new Crispi air fryer, especially for chicken.

Let's hope they produce something for whites next.





I used to work on the taxis with a bloke called Phil Attery.......

He never left the rank.



After doing tests on me, the doctor said my alcohol was too high.

So, I've moved it to a lower shelf where I can reach it more easily.



If a man says something in the woods and there are no women around to hear him.........is he still wrong?




You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles.

If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.




There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people.Push and pull.



A teacher calls her first grade class from recess. She goes up to little Sally and asked, "Sally, what did you do at recess?"
"I played in the sand box." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
So she spells the word right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Billy. "Billy, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box with Sally."
"Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'box' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So he spells it right and gets a cookie.
Then comes in little Mohammed from recess. "Mohammed, what did you do at recess?" "Billy and Sally threw rocks at me!" "Hmm, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination.
If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."



What's the difference between red and green? Fuck all apparently if you're a cyclist.




You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?

Well I lost my job as a Gynecologist today.



A man went fishing and hadn't caught a thing in four hours, when all of a sudden the local vicar turned up and cast his rod into the stream and within half an hour his keep net was full!
The man is getting quite pissed off at this so decides to ask the vicar how he does it.
The vicar kindly tells him "Well my son, go home tonight and rub your hand between your wife's legs, and then rub it in with all your worms and the smell will attract the fish!"
The man thinks this is a good idea so he goes home and sees the wife standing by the stove cooking dinner, he goes up to her, sticks his hand up her skirt and starts rubbing away.
The wife giggles and says "Oh hello vicar, off fishing again?




Why did the Pie cross the road?

Because he was Meat n' Potato.



I met TV presenter Kate Humble today. When I asked her for an autograph, I was quite shocked when she said yes, but on the condition that I perform oral sex on her.
Needless to say, I was forced to eat humble pie.




How many tourette's sufferer's does it twat to cunt a lightbollocks?




What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the bus?

He waits for that bus at the next stop.

[Bikkie]

I said that marriage "feels pretty damn great."

To which every married guy replied, "Stop", it’s been four days. Give it time."



Marriage is like prison but with less sex.



Paddy and Murphy sitting in the bar, Murphy says if you have 5 pints and I take tree what am I left wid, Paddy says two feckin shiners and a busted nose.



My wife claims I try to make everything into a 'quiz'.

Is that: a) weird b) annoying c) unfair




When a ginger women gets her vagina waxed why doesn't she go for the landing strip option?

Because it would then look and smell like a fish finger.




You have to be careful when enough it comes to chatting up girls these days, they're looking older than ever.

So picking out a young ripe one is definitely much more difficult.



Two Eskimos were out fishing in their boat but were feeling the cold, so they decided to light a fire to warm themselves. Unfortunately, the fire burned through the hull causing it to sink. Proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.


Don't you find it strange how choosy you become when scrolling through porn.



Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake
up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember
what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she
has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power
of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately
fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives
her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the
part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg
for forgiveness and release her. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just
graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in!




At a session with a marriage counsellor, the wife snapped at me: "That's not true! I do enjoy sex!"
Then, turning to the counsellor, she said: "But this ANIMAL here expects it three or four times a year!"




I went into a Chinese takeaway last night. The owner of the shop said, "What do you do for a riving?"
I said, "What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian." So the Chinese chap says, "Go on then, change colour." I said, "No! I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian."
So then he says, "Tell me a joke, make me raff." I said, "You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh?"
Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, "Wok! Wok!" And he said, "Who der?"



I've recently subscribed to the new Incontinent Dyslexics Magazine.

The finest leekwy publication on the market.



A Glaswegian was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar
as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new
baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's typical
South Glasgow baby boy..." Two weeks later the man returns to the bar... The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical
Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.... so
how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?"
"He was 25 pounds the day he was born." The father takes a slow swig of his. Single Malt Scotch Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans
into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."



A man is walking in London, when it suddenly starts raining so he takes shelter in a peek-a-boo sex shop and pays £50 to get in.
He’s then confronted by 3 doors. They read “Blonde”, “Brunette” and “Black”. He chooses “Blonde”, only to be confronted by 3 more
doors reading “Small Tits”, “Medium Tits” or “Big Tits”. This time he chooses “Big Tits” only to be again confronted with 3 more doors
reading “Small Cunt”, “Large Cunt”, “Wet Cunt”. Somewhat excited now, he chooses “Wet Cunt”, pushes his way through the door, and
finds himself back out in the rain. Door closes there a sign saying stupid cunt.




I went to a rave last night for dyslexics. Everyone was taking F's and there was a bloke trying to inject a heron.



A dyslexic Mexican walks into a bar and goes straight up to a gorgeous woman and says, "get your taco love, you've pulled."



Two Muslim woman chatting and one brings out the family album and says" this is my eldest, he was a martyr, this is my middle son, he was a martyr and my youngest here, he's also a martyr".

The second one sighs and says gently, " they blow up so fast, don't they?"



A dyslexic man walks into a bra.




Bartender: What will you be having to drink?
Harambe: I'll have a beer.
Me: No, he'll have just ice.
Bartender: Just ice?
Me: Yes, justice for Harambe.




Ramadan.

Putting the slim back in to Muslim.



What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as a meat substitute.




I was struggling to give my wife an orgasm during sex. I asked her what she wanted me to do and she said, 'just use your imagination'.
I listened to her advice, and it was amazing. I imagined that she had an orgasm and then I went to sleep.



A man left England for Australia, as it was too cold. His wife was on a business trip and planned to meet him there the next day.
When he reached the hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail to let her know he was thinking of her. Our hero, however, was
unable to find the piece of paper that had his wife's email address on it and typed it from memory. He had missed one letter that had
directed the letter to an elderly lady whose husband had died the previous day. The widow looked at her e-mail and screamed, fainting
shortly afterwards. Her sister ran in and read the e-mail: Dearest wife, I have just gotten checked in. Everything's prepared for your long
awaited arrival tomorrow. From your loving husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here!



My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette's suffering girlfriend for years now.

I always wondered what kept them together.

Then I saw the swear jar.



One person has an imaginary friend, and he's crazy. But millions of people get an imaginary friend, and suddenly they're "religious".



If you take a white girls virginity it's called popping her cherry. Does that mean if you take an Indian girls virginity it's called pop-her_dom?



How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.

Men can be Feminists, too.




Why do women sound like they're having an orgasm when they play tennis?

But what I really want to know why does my wife sound like she's playing tennis in the bathroom?





No one person can excel in everything they do. Even the rich and famous. Take Freddie Mercury, who was a remarkable singer, but he sucked on the organ.

[Bikkie]

So John Alford has been found guilty of Sexually Assaulting two teenagers.

He played Robbie Wright in Grange Hill when he was younger.

You would think he would have known from then the meaning of " Just Say No"!




Bedroom antics at aged 69 and 66 are much more fun than when we were 21 and 18, mainly because we've forgotten what goes where and at least I now know where the 80s grit sandpaper is kept.




Trump plans to ban transgender Americans from owning guns.

Guns don't kill people, people who don't want attention kill people.




My boss called me, upset asking "Where are you?" So I said, "I'm here you just can't see me. I identify as transparent. My pronouns are Who/Where."
I have a meeting with HR tomorrow.



How come Muslims hate gays and don't eat Pork

Yet they all love a bloke who's called mo-ham-head

Boom!



My mate set me up on a blind date, and he said "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby".

I felt a right twat sitting in the pub wearing just a nappy.




When I was young I didn't know what tits were, but I knew sooner or later I'd come across them.



Why was there a black woman in the original 60's Star Trek?

Because William Shatner.



God created Adam and said, "I have given you everything you could ever want. Is there anything else you would like?"
Adam replied, "I would like a sandwich," to which God then created Eve.



What do you call a black man who sells drugs?

A pharmacist.



I like my Slaves how I like my coffee.

Free.




What a woman has between her thighs is her greatest weapon?

The smell from it is worse than any chemical warfare bomb.



I was at an important job interview today, and was asked, "Are you on Facebook?"
"No, I'm not." I replied.
"Are you on Twitter?" "No."
"Instagram?" "Nope."
"Look, just put your fucking phone away, will you?!"



Watched a very weird porn tonight.

After the plumber finished shagging her he actually fixed the washing machine.




My wife found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof.



Two Arabs boarded a flight out of New York. One sat in the window seat and the other sat in the middle.
Just before take off, An American got on and took the aisle seat. After takeoff, The American kicked his
shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a beer."
"No problem," said the American, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, One of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe
and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, "that looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the
American obligingly went to get it and, while he was gone, the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it. When the
American returned to his seat, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet
into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He looked at the two Arabs and asked, "why does it have to be this way?
How long must this go on, this fighting between our nations? This hatred? This Animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in beer?"




My wife was on the phone, "Who are you ringing?" I asked, "An emergency plumber, " she replied.
"What? On a Sunday? put that phone down, it will be cheaper if I fuck you myself, " I answered.




After moaning about yet another of my pranks, I told my girlfriend that she "can't take a joke".

She replied with, "I let you put your cock in me, don't I?




My blow up sex doll has just arrived! 36 DD breasts, a 58 inch waist and arse cheeks the size of 2 basketballs! So.. I Pumped her up, laid her on the bed, turned her over and was just about to give it my all When suddenly, all I heard was a 'Ppfffftttttttttttt' She's got a bloody puncture. What a massive let down.



My wife came into the bedroom wearing only stockings and suspenders. She walked slowly over to the stereo and pressed play and a Take That song came on. "Oh for fuck's sake" I moaned. "Put something else on" "What would you prefer?" she purred "Coldplay? Snow Patrol?" "No, a fucking dressing gown.




What's the first sign of AIDS?

A pounding sensation in you're ass.



A scouser came into my shop earlier and asked me if I sold batteries. "What size mate?" I asked. "A A A." He said. "Alright mate calm down. I only asked what size you wanted." I replied.




What's black and runny?

Usain Bolt



What's the difference between a queer and a microwave?

A microwave won't brown your sausage.



We call the woman next door Miss World.

Six kids from six blokes from six different countries.



My wife and daughter said they are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.

And they're off!




You Know, Wanking into your white sock looks like your very own Ku Klux Klan Action Figure.

[Bikkie]

President Trump declares: I love the smell of deportations in the morning.

That's your first fart, you goof.



A gay guy at work asked me if I'd ever considered a bit of a man on man action. I said I'd thought about it long and hard, but in the end, no thanks.



I've found out that my wife of 30 years has been cheating on me.

When I confronted her about it, she admitted everything, even confessing that her new man took her to Pound Town at the weekend.

Well I've just looked on Google Maps and that place doesn't even exist.



"It's Your Word Against Mine."

Is my new book on Scrabble strategy.



Wife : I heard that a man goes deaf if he takes too much Viagra.
Husband : Who the Hell is Jeff and what is he doing in Niagra?




Gay.

Because you couldn't make it as a man.



Trans people.

Don't tell me what you are, tell me what you were.

Better still, dont talk to me

[Bikkie]

According to a new study, couples who have a sex schedule are more likely to stay together.

Even better news – my wife penciled me in for late December.....



My mum always wanted me to be a copper.

But I'm too honest.



It's so hot today I saw a squirrel blowing on its nuts.




How did Tampax Pearls get their name?

Because they're found by diving into wet, fishy depths and prising a clam apart.




My girlfriend says I've got the body of a bloke half my age.

Unfortunately, I'm 22.



While watching a brilliant reggae band I said to my wife "do you fancy s dance"? She replies, " I'm not really bothered" I said, " go on, I will show you all my black moves" She replied, " what! You're going to rape and rob me?"



How do you start a rave in Africa? Glue toast to the ceiling



Mrs just said Gavin from Autoglass came round & injected special resin into her crack.
I'm not normally suspicious but she hasn't got a car



An Indian builder has fallen through a roof at a Lionel Richie concert!
A spokesman said
"The last thing I saw was Dan Singh on the ceiling"




Elton John has said that he loves watching the Gymnastics at the Olympics.
Especially the men's rings.



What's the difference between a chick pea and a potato?

You wouldn't pay to have a potato on you.




After my prostate examination the doctor left, then the nurse came in & whispered 3 words that no man wants to hear "who was that?"



People with weak handshakes need to get a grip



Apparently I'm not allowed to say "black paint" anymore.
I have to be PC and say "Jamal would you please paint that wall"




What's worse than finding a hole in your condom?

Finding a condom in your hole




What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A Baboom.



What do elves learn in school?

The elf-abet.



What do you call cheese that's not yours?

Nacho cheese!




What do you do if you see your wife in bed with someone else?

Your sister-in-law.



Why do bagpipers walk when they play? To get away from the noise.




What do you get a New Zealander for his birthday?
A pair of oversize gumboots and velcro gloves.



My daughter turned up in a Porsche 911 with her new boyfriend, a coloured lad call Brian,
"Dad, this is Brian, " she said "and I've been seeing him for a while, "
"Hello Brian, "I said, " so is it true then what they say about you coloured boys? "
"About our manhood? You'd be better asking your daughter about that, " he said with a smile,
"no you cunt, " I replied, "I mean about you nicking fucking cars. "



My wife keeps complaining about my premature ejaculation, she took it on the chin at first but now it just gets on her tits!



A woman weightlifter goes to the doc's:
"I've been taking steroids, & now I've grown a cock"
"Anabolic" says the Doctor
"No just a cock!"



What's the difference between a fridge and a fanny?

A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.



I was in bed last night pulling my boxers off when my girlfriend walked in and said please don't do that to the dogs!




I splashed out on some new lingerie in Ann Summers.

Now the assistant says I have to pay for it.



It's coming up to 9/11

Or intermediate fresh-meat, as Prince Andrew likes to call it.

[Bikkie]

Upon his request, I took my UFO conspiracy theorist friend to a midget themed gay bar

"No no no", he said, "I thought you said you were going to show me proof of little GREY men"



I went for a job at Chanel's perfume warehouse. I was scent packing.



I just called my mate, I said, "Going to be a bit late, pal. Need to drop the kids off at the swimming pool."

He said, "Use my toilet if you want."

I said, "Cheers buddy, but I think they've got their heart set on the swimming pool."




I finally watched that movie Brokeback Mountain.

Some of the dialogue was pretty good.

'Yippie KY, motherfucker...'




They made Brokeback Mountain required viewing at work in "diversity training," and two of the Welsh guys were none too impressed.

"Why are these two idiots bumming each other, when they have that whole fucking hillside filled with sheep to choose from ?"



My wife asked 'Do you ever think of any celebrities when we're having sex'?.

I said 'Yeah, Bradley Walsh. Any chance of some pushbacks'?.




I called my boss this morning and told him I wont be coming in as my car wont start.

He said "What about the bus?"

I replied "I don't own a bus."



My wife's always walking into things and getting hurt.

Earlier it was our bedroom while I was fucking her sister.




Hand grenade.

Presumably the inventors of all the other types of grenade were killed during testing.



If Minnie Driver married Alice Cooper,

Her name would be Minnie Furnier.




A little old lady goes into a lesbian bar and says, "Sherry, please - sweet one."

The barmaid replies, "Coming right up - ducky."



That awkward moment when you realize the moment is not awkward




I was at the farmer's market the other day and a guy came up to me and tried to sell me a bag of horse manure, so I told him to fuck off.

I don't take shit from anybody.




My best friend said he didn't know what was worse, the fact that his girlfriend text him saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text him back “sorry wrong number.”




The doctor that had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her life finally retired.
at her next checkup the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
as the young doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wider as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills, Mrs. smith do you realize these are birth control pills.
yes, they help me sleep at night Mrs. smith I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could help you sleep. she reached out and patted the young doctor's knee
yes, dear I know that but every morning I grind one up and mix in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks and believe me it helps me sleep at night



I said to my mate, "If my wife completes this 24 hour silence she'll raise 5 grand for charity."

He said, "Wow, she must have quite a few sponsors."

I said, "No, just me."




One of our mates, Benjamin, announced to us last night that he's decided to have a sex change.

He didn't look very pleased, when trying to be supportive, I suggested he call himself 'Ben-Hur'.




My wife found lipstick in my jacket's pocket the other day, so I told her I was cheating.

There's no way I'm telling her I sell Avon.



Since the Romans have been using that 'No More Nails' my hands and feet have been as smooth as a babies arse.



What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide belt?

Nothing, they both try to cause as much damage as possible when triggered.



I was Watching My Neighbor Masturbate last night with my telescope.

I couldn't see it that well, I now wish I hadn't lent it to her



"OK kids, can you give me a famous historical event?"

"Please miss, our electric bill last year for £876.43." Said little Johnny.

"How's that connected to a historical event Johnny?" Asked the teacher.

"Easy miss, " replied Johnny, "The charge of the fucking light brigade."




I phoned my boss this morning to tell I was too ill to come in to work.

"I've got a a little bit of a cough, Frazer. I don't think I'll be able to come in today." I said.

"You have a wee cough?" He asked.

"Nice one boss." I replied



At breakfast this morning, my wife told me she was leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I nearly choked on my #Brown



A lorry driver was driving down the road and he sees a hitchhiker and picks him up. They were going down the road talking, when the hitchhiker notices a small monkey sitting quietly on the dashboard.
He asks the lorry driver, " why the monkey?"
With that the lorry driver smashes his fist into the side of the monkeys head knocking him off the dash board across the cab and onto the floor. The monkey climbs up and unzips the drivers pants and goes to town on him.
A few minutes later the monkey zips up the drivers trousers and sits back on the dash.
The hitchhiker said "Wow, that is amazing I have never seen anything like that."
The driver says " Do you want to try it?"
The hitchhiker said "Yes, But don't hit me as hard as you hit the monkey!"




A man went into the chemist’s shop and said ‘Have you got anything for laryngitis?’.

The chemist said ‘Good morning sir. How can I help you ?’




A librarian knocked on my door last night and asked to borrow a book on irony.




Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese didn't invent custard.




My Psychiatrist reckons I have an obsession with vengeance.

We'll see about that



Ugly woman: "Do you sell viagra ?"
Chemist: "We do."
Ugly woman: "Can you give it to me over the counter?"
Chemist: " If I take two, probably."


Our local rabbi is doing cheap circumcisions.....apparently it's a rip off.




I've started a business with my best mate, Dave selling ready made spliffs.

It's a joint venture.



A middle aged frumpy married couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful leggy busty blonde.

"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the £75,000 asking price, " said the man, "I just heard you close the deal for £65, 000 to the lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on the model.

"Well, she had the ready cash, and just look at her, how could I resist. " replied the grinning salesman. Just then the young woman approached the middle aged couple and gave them the keys.

"There you go, " she said, "I told you I would get the prick to reduce it. See you later dad. "



Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.
If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one!



My new girlfriend was giving me a blow job the other night and she looked up at me and said "if you were a gentleman you wouldn't make me do this".
I replied "if you were a lady, you wouldn't speak with your mouth full"!



I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.

Because then I would know she is capable of making decisions she will regret in the future.




I know I've been bald for years but I've kept all my combs.

I just can't part with them.

[Bikkie]

What kind of sex do dogs have?

Ruff




John Cleese still needs to work aged 85 because he 'doesn’t have much money.'

All the assault and bullying compensation paid out to Manuel must have cleaned him out




My neighbour used to sell pirate films at car boot sales.

Treasure island, The Buccaneer, Hook, Blackbeard



Three friends married women from different parts of the world....
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do
the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the
third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that
she was to do all the cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the
third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
I was the third man I married Margaret from Rochdale. I ordered her
to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed
and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day I didn't see anything, the
second day I didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling
had gone down, and I could see out of my left eye and my arm was healed enough
so that I could fix myself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. I still have some
difficulty when go for a piss though.

Credit to original author.




Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out ofit.
He phones the police and says, Bejesas l've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "Is it tickin? "
Paddy says, "Nol tink it's beef"





Michael Palin "held of gunpoint" while filming a new documentary, reports The Independent

I told him they wouldn't find "The Life of Muhammad" particularly funny




You know you're staying somewhere nice, when the toilet roll's thicker than the one you buy.




David Lammy is now in charge of MI5. There's a Bond remake begging to be made:

On her Majesty's Secret Cervix.




What is white and takes no shit?

A blocked toilet.




I had sex while camping.

It was intents.



Now I've got my exam results, my careers teacher asked me what job I planned to get.
I told her, "I'm going to join a troupe of male strippers."
She warned me, "If you work in THAT business, you'll see things you've never imagined."
And she was right - the first time we performed, I saw her in the front row of the audience.



Why can't Steve Wonder see his kids?

Because he's married.



What's wet and stinks of piss?

Fosters.



My parents just admitted to me that the night I was conceived they were both drunk on Australian beer.

It's not nice finding out you're a Fosters child.



What's the difference between Will Smith and Scotland?

Independence day.




We have a Muslim co-worker that always is late for everything.

We call him 9-12.



A man walks into the library and asks for a book on schizophrenia.

The librarian says, "We only have one and they're both out at the moment."




It's my black stepsons birthday tomorrow so I've left him an extra tenner in my coat pocket.



My wife said nothing would make her happier than diamonds for her birthday.

So I got her nothing.




Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It went down the road and turned into a field.



Why did the blind woman fall down the well?

Because she couldn't see that well.




What do you call 2 blokes that live in your window?

Kurt and Rod.



What do you call an Irishman that breaks up fights?

Liam Malone.




My son asked me today, whats the difference between a crow and a blackbird?

i told him, crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.

a blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a big arse!




Parker Brothers have just released a new board game for muslims called 'Atrocity'.

It's just like Monopoly except you start WITH the buildings on the board.



Had a waterfight with the kids outside. I won.

No one's a match for me and my kettle.




I've just been diagnosed with agoraphobia.

Get in!



For years I've been investing in companies that develop better forms of contraception.

My friends think I should just pull out.



My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days.

What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.

[Bikkie]

I was about to board my ryan air flight and the guy doing the boarding said ' 21 to the rear must go via the back door" I said to him "fuck that, I am only flying back to Dublin to see my.mother"




Got arrested for running someone over and during questioning I told the cop "I didn't see him".

The police says "was it dark"?

I reply "Yes he was".



Prince Harry meets his father...followed by a visit to King Charles.

For details of their private talks, read Spare part 2, as edited by Meghan



Just learned from a colleague that Seasame Street characters like Elmo have their own official Instagram/social media pages.

Now how the fuck can I find Miss Piggy's OnlyFans?



After 50 years of record collecting, I just realized that 33 + 45 = 78.



Roger Waters complained that Ozzy Osbourne was too theatrical.

This from the guy who once toured with a 40-foot inflatable pig: His wife.



What a humiliating way for Don Jr. and Eric Trump to find out that their dad gives out birthday cards.



I say two black kids today arguing over whose dad could win in a fight.

And two white kids arguing over who would win in a fight between Superman and Batman.

No matter what colour they are, kids are just the same deep down, arguing over who would win in a fight between two fictional characters.




Prince Andrew: "If only there is was some other prominent, upper-establishment arsehole creep to take the heat off me"


Peter Mandelson: "Hold my beer"




Initial research suggests that at least 35% of people bite their nails.

But that might not even be scratching the surface.

[Bikkie]

They are rebooting the 'Back to the Future' movie franchise.

Another old relic of a car has been chosen for the time travel.

A CyberTruck.




I had a Japanese once tell me that "Sumo is his country's national sport"

You should have seen the look of horror on his face when I told him the Americans are starting to get into the game.



Donald Trump claims to be teetotal, but everywhere he goes nowadays he seems to be getting boos.



"G-g-g-granville , fer-fer fetch yer cloth"

Great line to repeat from Open All Hours

Not so good as you're spunking on the Mrs




Did you hear about the Mexican racist?

He joined the que que que.



A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian."

The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! ..........Er....How many is a brazilian?"



The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when they hear the word 'Facial'.




Mark Spitz.

But Tom Swallows.




Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

I guess you've never been hit with a dictionary.



Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, your a mile away and u have their shoes.



It's all fun and games until Grandpa has a flashback during Battleship.




Men are like bank accounts.

Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.



Never hit a man with glasses.

Hit him with a baseball bat.



My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.



What do you call a fake noodle?

An Impasta.




What do you call a French man wearing sandals?

Philippe Philloppe.



Where do watermelons go on holiday?

John Cougar Mellencamp.




As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine.

As I got older I realized it was just a phase.



All women have a good side.

It's the one with the tits and cunt on it.




A teacher asks his pupils, "Can anyone tell me the difference between constructive criticism and unnecessary nastiness?"
Little Johnny puts his hand up. "One is the process of offering valid and well-reasoned opinions about the work of others, usually involving both positive and negative comments."
"Very good, Johnny," says the teacher.
"And the other?" "Your mum's a cunt."



What's the biggest difference between a man and a woman?

Shit only comes out one end of a man.



I tried to run a sperm bank.

But nobody gave a toss.




Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it.

Elephants never forget.



Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, silly. Cows go "moo!"



Which flower talks the most?

Tulips, of course, because they have two lips!



Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Little old lady.

Little old lady who?

Wow, I didn't know you could yodel!




Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?

To go with the traffic jam!



I've just cooked chicken and chips for the family.

But my 6 year old daughter is devastated.

To be fair, she fucking loved those kittens.



What do you call a Muslim at a peace rally?

Lost.




Winston is sitting in front of the TV picking his nose. Mum walks in from the kitchen and yells "stop doing that"...Winston says "but all the kids at school do it"...mum says "not with a fucking spoon



What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
Iron Man is a Superhero & Iron Woman is a simple instruction..



I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today, can't believe it.
Apparently finishing off on her face didn't mean what I thought it did.




An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'




What's the difference between a Jew and a wending machine? Vending machines give you your change back.




I'm going to start selling 'Don't worry, I don't want to fuck you' T-Shirts for men so that women don't have to wear Burkahs.




Sure, white people can't say "nigger"

But at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."



I've invented a glass coffin, but I don't know if it will catch on.

Remains to be seen.




If men are dogs, are women bitches?

[Bikkie]

White Australians have a cheek to complain about immigration.

They're only Australian because their Grandad stole a loaf of bread 200 years ago.




In a discount store yesterday, guy checking best before date of heavily reduced dog food...


"So glad my dog can't read, " I said.



They're making the Halloween Party at work LGBTQ-friendly again this year, and I'll be absenting myself.

Last year instead of bobbing for apples, they had bobbing for dick.





Chelsea Claire was in our local last night.

I put some money in the juke box.

And selected, You Can Leave Your Hat On.



You know you're past it when you see the fit, glistening young bodies of the girls in the World Athletics Championships and think: They took Bargain Hunt off, for this shit.



Aliens: Take us to your leader.
Me: I would wait a few years.



Why was the baker's hands brown? Because he needed a poo.

[Bikkie]

In the UK a prison inmate serving a life sentence will be allowed to have a sex change operation.

This is great news for him and even better news for his cellmate...



Just returned from a Caribbean cruise, those cruise liners are so massive now they’re like a small city. There were even blacks on the corners at night selling drugs and mugging people.



Just read a book called "how to clear leaves from your driveway."
By Ray King.



I must be going deaf.

I bought my wife hair dryer she asked for.

She said, "How the fuck do I cook chips with that?"



My wife said, "I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you, I've been standing in the kitchen waiting to talk to you for fucking hours."

"Oh sorry, I thought the new fridge finally got delivered."



Calling someone a fascist and then killing them because you don't like what they say

Is like wearing a 'Meat Is Murder' t-shirt whilst eating a Big Mac




I got told it was the last time I'd ever be allowed to run the Pub Quiz.

"It was because of the final question," I said,"..... Michelle Obama is - A; a man B; a man disguised as a woman C; a man with a large pecker, or D; all of the above."

"I know, and we had to pay a fortune when everybody fucking won."




Great to see Haaland back to his best today

Looking like a trans-gendered Barbie doll


My mate said he used to be in a band called the Fortunes.
I asked him if they called it that because they thought they'd make lots of money?
He said no, we only knew four tunes.



Tit For Tat.

Is my new book about dyslexia.




My wife walked into the bedroom last night just as I was pulling off my boxers.
She's reported me to the RSPCA and is away to her mums.



Online health influencers Try this simple hack for your knee joint pain.

Put both feet behind your neck and interlock your toes.




I got shown round an empty perfume factory yesterday.
It made no scents whatsoever...

[Bikkie]

During a Trump protest, a woman took off her top and revealed anti-Trump messages.

Witnesses say she made two good points....



As I cancelled my OnlyFans subscription for this bird in no uncertain terms, I received a message saying...

"Ha! You've been talking to the boyfriend all along!"

"Haha", I replied, "You've been talking to your Dad all along"




My girlfriend: The vacuum won't suck anymore!

Me: Frustrating, ain't it?



Media on Unite the Kingdom rally: "A few thousand attend far-right gathering."

Media on Trump visit: "Millions protest in righteous fury!"



Philly Stack

I went to school with her.

Nice girl, liked steak and cheese.

Now works in McDonald's.




An American boy is sitting in a school library assiduously studying Hebrew when he starts getting mocked by his peers.

When they ask why he needs to do this, he responds, "When I go to Heaven, I can speak with Moses and Abraham in their own language."

"What if you's goes to Hell ?"

"I already talk American."




I once sold electric fences in Wales, and a year later I went back for a follow-up with some clients.

"Turn the power down real low, and when the sheep get their heads stuck they're moving when they're making love."




Four UK activists have been arrested after images of Donald Trump with Jeffrey Epstein were projected onto Windsor Castle.

I guess the cops were concerned they might hurt the widdle feewings of the 'fuck your feelings' brigade.




Images of Jeffrey Epstein and the US President were projected onto Windsor Castle and King Charles kept Prince Andrew away from the State visit.

He played his Trump card.



Racist
(/'raest/)
noun
1, Someone who wins an argument with a Labour voter




My gay son finally got told he's too old to be an altar boy, but he can start training for the priesthood.

"Ooooh no thank you, I'm only suited to being on the receiving end."




Trump to be entertained by the king for dinner.

He's ordered the 'Happy Meal'.

[Piper]

The English woman's football super league are
looking to change it's name to The Women's
lesbian league as there are so many rug
munchers playing in it.


Prince Andrew was asked if he enjoyed
The Chase.
"I do now," he said, "It was far too fucking
easy when Epstein was around."


When in America,let them know you're a
supporter of ICE
Just don't say "I'm a big supporter of ICEs"
You'll get 20 years in Guantanamo


Before we get to November if anyone wants
To sponsor me to eat triangler Swiss chocolate
Next month I'm going Octoblerone.


Terry Aki

I went to school with him

Nice kid

Smelt of soy sauce marinade


I got an email saying that there were
charges of £550 from my bank account
and to give my information to put that
money back on my card
My friend said it was a scam. I checked
bank account and had neither outstanding
nor pending charges
That means I'll be making a profit of £550!
So who's getting scammed now?


A recent report finds that pot smokers
get into fewer car crashes than drunk
people.
Then again, it's easier to see what's
coming, when you're driving at 11 miles
per hour.


The last time I saw breasts, they were
inside a Kentucky Fried Chicken box


Scott Free

I was in school with him

Got away with everything


Don't you hate it when you've
got a blocked nose and there's
a whistle in it?
I know the ref who sent me off
does.


My 15-year-old daughter just
asked me if her boyfriend can
can sleep over tonight.
"CAN HE FUCK!" I replied.
She said, "Yes, really well."


Top Tips .

Half a lemon rubbed on the
shower screen .
Scares the shit out of the
occupant


I'm not saying the wife's thick
but she keeps asking me to take
her flamingo dancing
I don't have the leg for it.


Saw one of those pornos last night
where a bunch of guys make a woman
drink a big glass of piss
It's called "Sharon has a pint of Fosters "


We were in New York and got stopped by
the lady from "Extra Medium Stuff" doing
Street Trivia.
She asked, for $500, "What does the 19th
Amendment to the US Constitution do?"
I quickly replied, "It grants women suffrage,"
and then she was none too pleased when I
ripped the money out of her hand and laughed,
"And we've been suffering ever since "


Patrick Stewart can actually grow a
full head of hair, it's just every role
he's ever been offered is playing
the part of a bald man.


Robots are going to replace workers.
You're right, that's why we use tractors
instead of black people on farms now.

.My black pal, who I've known for years,
and known to be a huge Simon and Garfunkel
fan, visited my house yesterday
"Hello darkness, my old friend" I said, greeting
him at the door


There was some stupid thing in "Diversity
Training" last week where it was said that
the song "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" by Aretha Franklin
was somehow "the greatest thing ever to
happen in black culture."
"Of course," I laughed, "It proved that black
people finally know how to spell "

[Piper]

The clocks go forward by one hour this weekend
Judging by your hairstyle, I reckon you've
put your clock back by 47 years.


I'm not putting my clocks forward tonight.
No way am I hating the government for
one hour less.

[Piper]

Biomethane not viable for widespread use
in UK home heating, report finds.
I dunno. I've warmed things up under the
duvet nicely, but the wife's moaning about
the smell.


Trump said his Gaza plan could be the
greatest day in history
Clearly he has never had two snickers bars
drop at once in a vending machine.


Today, after years of waiting, peace talks
resumed, between the Israelis and the
Palestinians.
Wait I'm sorry- the news is from 1979. .


Tony Blair named on the new "Board of
Peace" to end the two year war in Gaza
He did point out that this peace can only
be implemented once Gaza gives up it's
weapons of mass destruction.


Trump will run Gaza with Tony Blair
Why don't you grab Stamer as well, and
really fuck it up?


The UK Home Secretary Shabana
Mahmood said at the 2025 Labour Party
conference, "I know what it feels like
to keep a cricket bat behind the counter
just in case."
Lazy Paki cunts, playing cricket at work.


I now understand the definition of focus
and tunneled vision determination of the
task at hand.
Knocking one out over Gabby Logan while
she is on screen with three football pundits.


200,000 BMW's have been recalled because
they may catch fire.
This is not a significant problem, because
it can only occur if the indicators are used .


I have just been for an eye test in
Specsavers.
I did not see it coming if I am
honest.

[Piper]

A man is on a train running down
the carriage.
"Is there a priest on this train. It's
an emergency"
"Is there an Anglican vicar, anybody?"
"Is there a Rabbi on board, please it's
an emergency."
"Excuse me I'm a Methodist minister."
"Oh you're no good we need a corkscrew."


The picture I always have with me of my
wife was the only thing that got me through
my time and saved me in prison.
This big black guy I reneged on a favour to
was coming at me with what seemed to be
a 16 inch hard-on and thick like a can of
pepsi, so I whipped out the fat ugly beaver-face
fuckers picture right to his face.
Which instantly killed his boner.


What are Muslim women
getting to prevent Corona virus?
The hi-jab.


Our generation has Wonder Woman.
The next generation has Wonder if
it's a woman.


I used to believe in things like
Fate and Destiny.
Then I realised those are just
stripper names.


I get very frustrated whenever
I try travelling by plane.
I went to book a flight the other
day and the clerk asked,"How many
people will be travelling with you?"
I said,"How the fuck should I know,
it's your plane...... "
She then said,"Window seat or isle?"
I asked,"or you'll what.......?"


...A Lawyer representing a wealthy
art dealer called him and said,
"Saul, I have some good and some
bad news for you."

The art dealer replied, "I've had a
terrible day.
Give me good news first."

"Well", says the lawyer.
"I met with your wife yesterday
and she told me she had purchased
two pictures for $5,000, but she thinks
they might be worth $5-10 Million!"

"Fantastic woman, my wife, and a very
smart business woman too" says
the art dealer.

"What's the bad news?"

The Lawyer replied,

"The pictures are of you
banging your secretary."


David Attenborough must
have the largest collection
of animal porn in the
world.
Not that I'm jealous.


Since the wedding my wife
has been really into butt
sex
Anything but sex.


My wife was discussing
sex with her mates at one
of their "Get Togethers'.
One of them says, "I
nickname my husband
'The Musican' because he
has a huge organ."
They all laughed
Another pipes up, "Mine is,
'The Dentist ' she laughs,
He regularly gives me a
good drilling."
Again, roars of laughter.
My Missus says, "I call
him, 'The Postman '.
The girls laugh, "Why,
because he's got a big
sack?" she was asked.
"No," she said, "Because
he's unreliable, regularly
fails to deliver and when
he does usually puts it in
the wrong box......."


What do Will and Jade Smith
have in common?
They both slap other
men's cheeks.


I went to a restaurant and
ordered a bottle of water a
glass of wine and 2 steaks.
"Still water?" the waiter asked
me. "Yes," I replied.
"I've not changed my mind."


The Israeli military detains Greta Thunberg
after the navy closed in on the flotilla as it
neared Gaza
IDF Chief asked if she had any Jewish
in her.
And if not, would she like some?


I was devastated to come home from
work today and find my house gone,
all that was left was a pile of rubble.
That's the last time I order a blow up
doll from Afghanistan.

[Piper]

The Japanese have sent their usual
contingent of entries for the Prix De
L'Arc De Triomphe, to try and answer
that intriguing question.
Why try to win a race you can't fucking
pronounce.


Wouldn't it be ironic when Joni Mitchell
dies and she gets to heaven, She is
hugely disappointed to find out it's
one big giant car park?


After years in the cancellation wilderness
ex Dr Who assistant Noel Clarke has finally
secured a role in a Si fi epic.
Illegal Alien Vs Sex Predator in Tha Hood


As Meghan makes surprise appearance at
Pairs Fashion week
Harry arrives showing off his little black
number...


Someone asked me if I would be watching the
MOBO awards when they next take
place.
"No, the last time I had rap 'music' accidentally
come on in my vehicle, I turned it off and preferred
to instead listen to the sound of wind for 40
minutes."


Yom Kippur
Sounds like a black country fish and chips shop.


It's getting daft now with this ultra woke PC
bullshit
You can't even say "pot black"
You have to say "Skin up Winston."


Polly Tician

I went to school with her.

Horrible girl, she cheated, stole and lied at the time.


"Mick miller

No he's a comedian"


Phil Atio.

I went to school with him.

Loved oral sex

Dated a girl named
Connie Lingus.


Vinnie Gar?

I went to school with him.

What a douche!


Betty Believeit

I went to school with her.

Very honest girl.


Inna Mini. Was a chunk I went to school with.

He was always procrastinating


"Si Kling"

I went to school with him.

Annoying cunt.

Always on his hike.


Perry Neum

I went to school with him.

Nice kid.

Always fiddled with the skin
between his balls and arse.


Me: "The Cashier in New World was a right
cunt tonight."

Wife: "You been using the self checkouts
then?"


When you meet a famous person, it's
acceptable to say you had a crush on them
when you were younger.
I used to wank over you can scare them
I've found.


What's the worst thing about an unwanted
gaze?
When it comes from unwanted gays.


A wife had been nagging her husband for
several weeks to varnish the wooden seat
of their toilet. He finally got around to doing
it while she was out. After finishing, he went
to the local pub.While he was out, his wife
came home, and she needed to use the
toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realised
that the not-quite-dry varnish had glued her
arse to the toilet seat.
She angrily called her husband, and he
rushed home to help her.
They both pushed and pulled without any
success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, he he undid the toilet
seat bolts, wrapped a sheet around her, and
they drove to the hospital.
The Doctor got her into a position where he
could study how to free her ( Try to get a mental picture of this )
she tried to lighten the mood by saying
"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen
anything like this before?"
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots
of arses. I've just never seen one mounted
and framed."

[Piper]

A white man was walking
along the beach when he
tripped over, he reached
out and realised he'd
tripped over 2 lamps, he
rubbed them and out
popped 2 genies, "Does
this means I get 6 wishes!?"
He shouted, "No, you get
3 wishes like everyone else"
says the genie. He makes
3 wishes and the genie tells
him to head home and they've
been granted..
The man's gets home and goes
straight to his bedroom and sees
the most beautiful woman on his
bed and makes love to her for hours,
he then goes into his back garden
and notices his garden filled
with $50 notes, then he hears
a knock at the door, he goes and
answers it and there's 2 figures
wearing hoods, they grab the man,
tie a noose round his neck and
hang him from the balcony till
he dies, they take their hoods
off and it's the 2 genies, one
genie turns to the other and says
"I understand him wanting to have
sex with the most beautiful woman
in the world, and to have the most
money in the world but why would
he want to be hung like a black
man?"


The Priest in a small Irish
village loved his chickens
that he kept in the coop
behind the church.
One Sunday morning
before mass, he went
to feed the birds and
discovered that the cock
was missing.
He knew about the cock
fights in the village, so he
decided to question his
Parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked
his congregation, "Has
anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't
what I meant.
Has anybody seen
a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no, no, that wasn't what
I meant either.
Has anybody seen a cock
that doesn't belong to
them?"
Half the women stood up!
"No, no, that wasn't what
I meant.
What I really mean is, has
anybody seen My cock?"
Sixteen alter boys, two
Priests and a goat stood
up.


I fancied a Chinese earlier.
Then I found out she had
a cock.
Talk about sweet and sour


My local undertaker has a
new promotion on.
He lets you lie on a coffin
to see how suitable it will be.
He calls it, "Try before you die."


I don't understand why the
Italians name their cities
after crappy cars like
Capri, Sorrento or Cortina.
Surely with all their culture
and history they could find
original names!


Her: "My pussy gets ocean
wet...

Me: "I know I smelled it and
got sea sick "


I was given some good
advice at school which
was to steer clear of coons
and pakis.
But changed when I
passed my driving test.


What's the definition of an
impotent Loser?
A guy who can't get his
hopes up.


The cocaine world
Championship final was
won by my mate,
Charlie.


As a little joke I give
people I know nicknames
by putting "bo" at the end
of their name, so Tim
becomes Timbo.
Unfortunately no one
saw the funny side
when I was shouting Sam's
at the train station..


Eric Clapton has formally opposed the
reconstruction of a £2.3 million residence
next to his estate.
Probably doesn't want to hear all the knock
knock knocking round next door.

[Piper]

Prince Andrew has written a song about his
recent adventures in an Indian kindergarten.
It's called "Quimful of Asha from the
under-5s"


What does Prince Andrew's lover say after
sex?
"I want my mummy."


I heard Andrew was seen joining the
No King protest in New York


Prince Andrew to give up his royal titles
including Duke of York after 'discussion
with king.'
That's a shame, after he worked so hard
for them.

.Now Andrew is just Mr Windsor ,he will
find it easy to apply for a job at pizza
Express.


If only Prince Andrew had done his own
laundry he might have avoided all this
trouble.
Right on the box of pretty much every
brand of laundry pods is the important
advice......."keep away from children." "


Virginia Gluffe told prince Andrew,
"She was a virgin" prince Andrew
explained, "It was curable."


Andrew on Virginia 25y ago: "OH! OH!
OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH!!!"
Andrew on Virginia today: "oh oh oh
ohh whhhhhhhy?!"


Sarah Ferguson can no longer refer to
herself as the Duchess of York.
she has to return to original title,
'The Hampshire Slapper.'

[Bikkie]

Have you heard Michael Keaton is returning as Batman? Bruce Wayne puts on the cape and cowl to fight the growing injustice in the retirement home. The Penguin is hogging all the sherbert lemons, two face plans to cheat in the halloween special BINGO game and The Riddler has hidden someone's false teeth in a place only Batman can figure out where. Can Batman bring order before his dementia kicks in? This'll be a night the staff'll wish they called in sick.




Charles is currently organising a fishing trip for Andrew ,




"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Prince Andrew" "Prince Andrew who?" "Andrew" "Andrew who?" " "




Prince Andrew is still under fire for his interview in 2019. Andrew told his supporters, "Don’t worry, I’ll soon do something worse and all this will be forgotten."




Poor old Prince Harry and his bland wife, Megan. Prince Andrew has for now, taken all their hard earned limelight!




Prince Andrew is sweating like .. himself




So Prince Andrew has fallen on his sword. Serves him right. Shouldn't have been spying on the primary school before he tripped over his hard on.




I've lasted longer inside my step sister than Israel has with this ceasefire.



My egg timer was fucked so I used the Isreal/Hamas peace truce as a timer to boil it.




French Police have released the name of their number one suspect, in the Louvre Museum robbery. Leonardo da Pinchi




Does anyone know off any jobs going. I have just been sacked from The Louvre as a security guard.




Melania: "I got into the USA on an Epstein visa." Trump: "It was an Einstein visa." Melania: "Who's Einstein?"

[Piper]

She said: "If you have a condom, I'd
have sex with you, but if you haven't,
I can't because it would be like having
sex with everyone you've ever done
it with."
I replied: "I have a condom, but by your
criteria, I don't think I need one "


" I wish you'd try and see the good in
people "

Said my wife.

"I do!" I replied. "believe me, I'm
still fucking trying."


I've just realised this morning what
that blob on the end of a condom is
for.
It's for putting your foot on when
You've taking it off.


'Clubbing' It means going out to a place
with loud music, and alcohol, to pick up
someone to fuck if you'd a white
person.
But to blacks, it's something you do to
someone before robbing them if you
haven't got a knife or gun handy.


Some dirty bastard has stolen my wife's
knickers.
I expect they'll be returned pretty sharpish
though as she was in them at the time.


I drank 15 pints of Guinness then rushed
to the toilet to explode my bowels whilst
in the capital of Colombia.
Bogota?

Yeah, it was a right fucking mess.


I was in Whitcoulls today and I
asked the shop assistant if she
kept stationary.
"No I move around a lot."
Was her reply.


A woman came up to me in the
Gym and asked if I knew which
exercises would help her lose
weight.
I said, "Try shaking your head
from side to side."
She replied, "How often should I
do that?"
I remarked, "Every time someone
offers you food "


My woke friend died.
Do they still need a wake?

[Bikkie]

I've worked for years as a lookalike for Prince Andrew. Now I'm fucked. I've had to take a job in Pizza Express




I've just joined a Wet Wet Wet tribute band. We're called Shit Shit Shit




Andrew has been demoted from a job of doing fuck all to a position of doing fuck all.



The Andy formerly known as Randy




Thomas the Tank Engine was chugging along one fine day when he heard commotion in the carriages he was pulling. And he thought, "Fucking niggers."




This black guy at work got upset and demanded to know why I never call him mate, like I do the white guys.... "Just relax, Primate."



Jim at work surprised us today and told us he's going in for a sex-change.... "Surely you can't be serious ?" I said.... "I am, and please call me Shirley"

[Piper]

Meghan Markle set for first return to acting
in eight years with role in comedy movie.....
and she'll play HERSELF
After Whoopi Goldberg turned down the
role,


I don't know if this a

SCAM

but I just received a text
saying

I'd won $500 cash
or tickets to
an Elvis tribute night.It
says PRESS
1 for the MONEY
or
2 for the SHOW.....


A dwarf was drinking in a
bar, when a sexy blonde
walked up to him and
said, "I've always wanted
to have sex with a little
person."
The dwarf replied "I'm
sorry, but I've had Women
say that before, then I
go home with them and
the husband or boyfriend
finds out and I get beaten
up."
"It's ok," said the woman.
"my husband is working
away until next week."
So, against his better
judgement he goes back
with the woman.
They start having amazing
sex, when suddenly the
front door opens.
"Shit, it's my husband"
she said. "Quick, hang out
of the bedroom window
and when he goes for a
shower, you can climb in
and get away!"
So the dwarf climbs out of
the window and hangs on
the ledge by his fingertips.
The husband comes in the
bedroom, says "It's cold in
here!" Slams the window
shut and the dwarf
plummets to the ground.
The woman is distraught
and calls an ambulance .
A couple of days later she
goes to visit the dwarf in
hospital.
"How are you?" she asked.
"Well my fingers are broken.
I've got two broken ankles, a
dislocated hip, and severe
concussion," he said.
"Oh dear!" she said, "Still,
it could have been much
worse."
"Much worse?!"said the dwarf.
"How do you figure that out?"
"Well", she said, "you're
lucky that I live in a
bungalow."

[Piper]

What's the difference between Judd Trump and
Donald trump?
Judd Trump pots a lot of balls.


Telling a woman to calm down works
as well as trying to baptize a cat.


I'm starting a Christian swingers group: Come
all Ye faithful.


After years of trying and falling, my
gay-trans son is finally convinced he
has something to audition with for
BGT that's sure to get him through... let's
see them dare say no to my rousing rendition of
"When a Man Becomes a woman".


This tranny got mad at work and said
that I outed "her" in a big conference
with another company.
"Uh, no, that lantern jaw and chestnut
in your Yoga pants did that for you all
by yourself."

[Bikkie]

."I was on the 'weight watchers' web site. I disabled the 'cookies' because they were making me hungry.




I had a phone call to say my sister had just given birth. So I asked if it was a girl or boy. They said it was a them their or they!




Just found out that cows produce more milk if the farmer talks to them. It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.



Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs. It's also their biggest import.



Some years ago my wife was on Who Wants to be a Millionaire and I got a call from Chris Tarrant saying "Your wife is going for £500,000 and you as the lifeline can help get her there"... My wife started, "In the Bible, who was the husband of Queen Esther ?"; I instantly responded, "Ahasuerus"..... Just before the fat thick bitch lost almost everything she said to me on the phone, "No, it can't be that one, I definitely don't think she was married to a dinosaur."



Imagining the end of Fast & Furious 7 with Clarkson and Quentin Wilson ..


Fuck me, at this rate Tom Cruise will come out before Grand Theft Auto VI.




My grand-niece was visiting and she said "Grandpa, do you want to be in a video ?.... No, not that kind of video, this one's just going on Youtube."..... "Right, I'll put my clothes back on."



After years of trying and failing, my gay-trans son is finally convinced he has something to audition with for BGT that's sure to get him through.... let's see them dare say no to my rousing rendition of "When a Man Becomes a Woman."




When you understand the old adage: “suck it & see”, you’ll know why so many poofs & scrubbers get to the top in politics, tv & the arts.

[Piper]

Trump is lowering tariffs on beef
to distract from the fact that he
smoked Clinton's sausage.


If you gets a link called
'free porn' don't opin it.
It is a birus wich deactivates
your spelcheck and garblis up
you riting
I also received it but luckily I
dont does porn so I dint
opin it


You know when you get that
urge to eat something just
because it's right there in
front of you?
Anyway I lost my job as a
gynaecologist today.


If I hadn't misunderstood
what the interviewer wanted
when she asked to see my
testimonials, I might have got
that job.


My father always said, "Don't
force it, just get a hammer."
Wonderful dad, terrible
neurosurgeon.


Me: Wow you're beautiful.

Her: Thanks!

Me: I wonder where we'd
be if you weren't?

Her: I wonder where we'd
be if you didn't have any
money?

Me: O

Her: What?

Me: You are so shallow.

Her: It's a really good thing
you can't go deep then, isn't
it?



Me: I can't call you beautiful.

Her: Why not?

Me: Because beauty s on
the inside , and I ain't been
inside you yet


What did the police say to
the belly button?
You are under a vest.


I don't know who Jolene is but
if her tits are bigger than Dolly
Parton's I say she deserves
the win.


A drop dead gorgeous blonde at
the club said to me, "How about
free drinks all night in return for
sex?"
"Are you sure?", I asked.
"Yes," she smiled.
"Because," I said, "I can drink a
lot of whiskey, you know."


I sent my conservative mate
online the 1998 movie"Cube,"
about political prisoners thrown
inside an endless Rubik's Cube
maze with lethal booby traps
like sudden acid bath; and I said,
"This is where in only a couple
years people doing 'misinformation'
here and in Canada and such against the
PC state will get thrown!"
"Yeah, but you've not completely
correct...in addition to this, all prisoners
will be forced to have a mandatory
sex-change first."

[Bikkie]

A vampire walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a boiling glass of water. Bartender says, "I thought you vampires only drank blood." Vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm having tea!"





How are push-up bras like a bag of Bluebird chips? When you open them, you realize they’re half empty.




A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No," says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward."




Some cunt phoned me, sneezed and hung up. I fucking hate those cold calls.



I tried cooking corned beef in a pan with potatoes and onions, but sadly I made a hash of it....................



Ladies....the safe-word will be " Harder"



The pretty salesgirl said to me, "So you're shopping for expensive underwear for your wife for Christmas ?".... "No, and you're not hearing me right, I said Expansive."



This younger lady at work said to me, "all this pro-Trump stuff you casually drop, it's not good for your rizz with girls."..... didn't matter much when I held her down in the parking lot and forcibly jizzed in her arse later.

[Piper]

What is the biggest type
of bed?
The sea bed


"What's the result nurse?"
"You have gonorrhea."
"Finally, the clap that keeps
NHS workers employed.


I just remembered that I had to
borrow the train fair off my
Jewish mate to appear on today's
edition of bargain Hunt and I
haven't repaid him.
No doubt he'll be
watching with interest.


My girlfriend asked me to get one
of those drinks with her name on it-
I bought her a can of monster, that's
how the fight started.


I went for a job as a
contortionist.
They said, "How flexible
are you?"
I said, "Well I can't do
Thursdays.


Went on a blind date with a proper fat
woman and woke up with a black eye.
I only said, "Your round" after I finished
my pint.


You can say what you like
about people from Vienna, but they
certainly do know how to make good
Ice-cream.


I whispered in her ear what I would like
to do to her and she said, "I'm getting
really wet."
"Turns you on , does it?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "You dribble a lot."


"Two Girls, one cup!"
chanted the Dyslexic
England fan


I'm not saying my wife's
thick.
But she thought Cubby
Checker was a junior
school job.


Never buy flowers from
a monk.
You will prevent florist friars.


Trump may not pardon the
Thanksgiving turkeys this year.
The turkeys are having a difficult
time raising the 2 million dollars
that Trump demands for a
pardon.


How do you start a hostile argument
with a liberal and/or a feminist?
Say to them literally anything.

[Bikkie]

If you are what you eat, does this mean Ted Bundy is more human than the rest of us?



Snow. The only thing to land in the UK that is white.




I was in for my prostate exam and it was going in deeper, deeper, deeper than normal..... than I realized, that doctor had both of his fucking hands on my shoulders.




Troubling be survey shows 90% of graduating high school seniors don't know the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow.




I was licking my grans dry, dusty, cheesy cunt earlier when she queefed a load of 10 year old, mouldy cum into my mouth and there were traces of dry preeriod blood and shit that had leaked from her arse into her cunt. I started to chew and thought fuck me this isn’t bad and asked her to fart from her shitty arse next to add some fucking seasoning.




Armistice and Aberfan commemorations were a week or more ago, yet Wales' players are wearing black armbands tonight. Must have been a very special sheep.




To the black man that snatched my wife's purse...... enjoy your no money and 14 XXXL tampons that you made off with.



I'm not saying my girlfriend's ugly but her new porn site's called AnyFans.




What's brown and sticky? A stick.



Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or even an expensive bottle of perfume for Christmas, but she will NEVER forget the Christmas you got her a new mop, NEVER!!

[Piper]

Got all my Christmas shopping done today.
Hope everyone likes Halloween costumes.


Someone asked why gays are always
'In your face ' with their sexuality.
I guess it is because they are rarely
face-to-face themselves.

[Piper]

Black Friday?? The bastards have just
had the whole of October to celebrate
their 'history', now they get an additional
day.....


Black Friday: 50% off all slaves.


The black man at work laughs three times
at all my jokes.
Once when I tell it once, when I explain it
to him, and once when he finally fucking
gets it .


What did Mike Tyson say when his girlfriend
gave him a golden shower on Christmas?
"It's beginning to look a lot like pithmath".


People who use the phrase "As different as
chalk and cheese" have obviously never bought
Iceland value range Cheddar.


Watching tradcons promote marriage is like
watching paramedics do CPR on a decomposing
corpse.


Growing old has learned me that you
don't really need fun to have alcohol.


My hobby is pornothology
I love watching birds.


You can only get away with "It's for
your own good" until a child is four.... After
that, you need more justification for stealing
their chocolate.


I met a woman who said she loved a
good 12 inches.
She had a foot fetish.

[Piper]

The English cricket team don't like the pink ball
because every time they see it under lights, they're
reminded that even a glowing high- visibility object
has a better chance of surviving the night than their
top order.

[Piper]

My young son found and watched
this movie on Netflix called "The
Santa Clause" where the actor
Tim Allen morphs almost overnight
into Santa clause.
"The magic is real," I said to my
son, "This exact thing happened
to you mother just after I married
her "


Why is Prince Andrew not writing
any Christmas books?
He hasn't got any titles.


After spending 20 minutes trying
to get my wife's bra off, I've decided
to give up!
I wish I'd never put it on now.


My son asked me, "Dad, why
do men get married?"
I said, "Because they can't spend
the rest of their lives being happy."


"Prams expose babies to up to 60%
more air pollution than adults.".
I'd like to know how they came to
that conclusion.
I don't know a single adult who is
pushed around in a pram.


Some people feel they've achieved
something by overcoming adversity
or illness to walk to the north pole
or something, but I bet they've never
managed to get a French stick home
unbroken from a Tesco express as I
have today.


I donated blood last Friday...It just
occurred to me that by now, my blood
could now be
A) Engorging some blokes penis to give
him a erection.
Or B) Flowing out of some women's Virginia
into a menstrual pad.


A survey has revealed 41% of Americans believe
human beings and dinosaurs lived at the same
time
True that I've seen the Flintstones.
And clearly dinosaurs were still around less than
2,000 years ago, cos there was a Christmas special.
Checkmate, atheists!

[Bikkie]

If an AI indentify itself as non binary, does that mean it doesn't exist?



Are Muslims Allahcaholics?



Yearly check ups at the doctors can greatly improve your chances of catching prostate cancer... Why the fuck would I want to improve my chances of catching prostate cancer?





What do you call an alcoholic paki? Mohammered.



BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump has issued an executive order that bans the phrase "Ho, Ho, Ho" as it has become very upsetting to Melania. (According to my social media accounts, I will never be able to visit the USA as a tourist)



Got the missus a necklace for Christmas. Weighed it at the self-service checkout. Put it through as 24 carrots.




New Epstein photos include one with Trump and six girls. However they have redacted their faces and which primary school they attend.


I got Wordle in 1 today. What a Guess!!!



Give your children a Christmas they will never forget Get them fuck all



The BBC have just put the shortlist for Sports Personality of the year on their website. This is the order they are in on the web page (I shit you not) and my perception of their achievements: Hannah Hampton - Played in net for England and saved 2 penalties and being a woman Chloe Kelly - Played for England during their 2022 tournament victory and being a woman Ellie Kildunne - Played for England at Rugby during their 2025 tournament victory and being a woman Luke Littler - Became the youngest player in history to win the prestigious Sid Waddell trophy and become PDC world champion Rory Mcllroy - Became only the 6th player in the history of golf to win all 4 major championships Lando Norris - Became only the 35th driver in history to win the F1 world championship at the age of 26. It should be a tight decision between all 6 LOL



Summer Camp and Some are Camp don't sound the same for nothing.




I've just had a letter from the mosque saying they're staging their own nativity play and they want my daughter to play the part of Bonnie Blue................. I'm no Christian but something doesn't feel right here




I bought a kitchen knife. It said on the packaging, "Keep out of reach of children and niggers."




They say these strong winds are causing traffic to slow down.... Bullshit I just saw an old lady on her bicycle doing 60




The evolution of women's grooming: 1980s: Full bush 1990s: Trimmed busy 2020s: Brazilian wax 2010s: Completely bald 2020s: She's got a cock.



Just imagining Dogfucker's Xmas list. Asking Santa's Little Helper to send him nudes of....well.... Santa's Little Helper




For sale: Biscuit manufacturing business together with business website. Must accept all cookies.



My annual Xmas joke When Jesus was born he weighed 12lbs 10 oz They knew that coz they had away in a manger




I've just decided to buy a film company. Picking the right one is absolutely Paramount



Santa: little girl, what would you like for Christmas? Girl: I want a Barbie Doll and a G.I. Joe. Santa: Doesn't Barbie come with Ken? Girl: No...she fakes




I can't believe all these Veterans living on the streets having hit hard time and all that shit. There's a girl down the road that earns shit load of money for killing cats and dog's working as a Vet... come on you lazy bastards get your finger out!!

[Piper]

Naming something that's English that
isn't works the other way as well.
We have Mohammad and Feema next
door to us, sounds like a couple of
fucking Pakis, but they are as
English as they come, ten kids, collecting
a fortune in benefits and never done a legit
days work in their lives.


What do you get if you cross a rooster
with an owl?
A cock that stays up all night.


What do you get if you cross a rooster
with peanut butter?
Same thing, but it sticks to the roof
of your mouth.


What do you get if you cross a rooster
with an onion?
Same thing, but it makes your eyes
water.


What do you get if you cross a rooster
with jalapeno chillies?
Same thing, but it sets your mouth
on fire.


My mate Rob just had a kid with an
extra chromosome.
I call it Robert Downey Junior.


I've had people ask me this week if
my diary was free.
It may look cheap but it was a whole
dollar from Whitcoulls.


My girlfriend moans about me 'pressing
her buttons'.
I don't care, I will keep on until I find the
'Mute'...


They're so many tradesmen in Mitre 10
this morning wearing hi-viz, I had to double
check I wasn't at a mid-90's hardcore rave.


It's being reported that porn videos are
being hidden inside regular videos on
YouTube.
So word to the wise, if you click on a
cute panda video, that may not be
bamboo in his mouth.


"Abortion is wrong"
"My body, my choice...By
the way you can't come in
here without a mask "
"But you could kill an
innocent person"
"Check mate "


Tip number 1-If you get
pulled over by a female
police officer who asks
you if you know why
they've stopped you,
don't reply, "Is it because
you wanted to give me a
blowjob?"

Tip number 2-If they then
ask you to get out of the
car and put your hands
behind your head, don't get
your cock out and say, "I
fucking knew it."


I've just come back from
two weeks holiday in
Spain.
I managed to get through
all the 50 shades books
No toilet paper.


Well fuck me, I was scrubbing
a new LED lamp and a Genie
jumped out of it,
"Yeah, Yeah," he said,
"I know, but we have to
modernize so we don't
look too obvious in a silly
old oil lamp."
"Wow", I replied, "Do I
still get my three wishes
then?"
"Sorry me old son," he
replied, "that's changed
as well, Y'know with the
Corona shit and all that,
in fact, you only have a
choice of two items.
I can give you the lottery
numbersvfor the next draw,
or another rubbish one not
worth talking about."
"Fucking magic, give us
those six beauties, as a
matter of interest, what's
the rubbish one?" I asked.
"Oh, that, it's a doctors
appointment"
"Scrap the fucking six
numbers," I said, "I'll take
the doctors appointment."


I'm unlucky in love I once
asked out a blind woman
and she told me she was
seeing someone.


One day at school, the
teacher asked Little
Johnny, "Can you tell me a
word starting with 'A'?"
"Arsehole." Little Johnny
replied
The teacher gaped for a
moment, but continued:
"How about a word
starting with 'B'?"
"Bastard," said Little
Johnny.
The teacher decided to
skip "C", so she asked
"What about something
starting with 'D'?"
Little Johnny thought
for a moment, then said
"Dwarf."
The teacher sighed with
relief and asked, "And do
you know what a dwarf
is?"
Little Johnny said, "A little
cunt about this big."


I was thinking of buying a
motorhome. I went to the
local dealers and he had
two, one of them had pink
wheels, fake lashes on the
headlamps and lacy curtains.
I said, "What the fuck is that?"
He said, "That's my camper
van "


I took my Dad to Australia for
his 70th birthday.
We were in a nice restaurant
in Sydney when suddenly he
shouted out, "I fucking hate aborigines!"
I said, "Dad you can't say that here."
But he just wouldn't shut up.
Again he shouted, "I fucking hate
aborigines!"
"Dad, you just can't say that in a
restaurant," I told him, "and in any
case, it's Pronounced aubergines "


I remember when I was in
Saudi Arabia years ago
I was walking through
downtown Riyadh when I
heard this woman shouting
"I don't want to get stoned."
I couldn't understand why
she wouldn't want to do
I shouted back"Well I
fucking do "
And then it hit me.


Medical science says
that having sex on a
regular basis helps keep
your memory intact.
I'd like to wish everyone on
Kiwi biker a happy and
prosperous 2015.


T-shirts with the slogan
'Blow Jobs Are Real Job'
have been banned in
Liverpool.

[Piper]

When my wife said she was going
to give up chocolate for Lent this
year, I said she'd never be able to
do it
"I was right," I laughed to myself,
as I was coming home two days
later this black guy was climbing
like a monkey right out of our
bedroom window.


He asked why the house isn't
clean since I'm home all day.
I asked why we Aren't rich, since
he works at day.


I said, "It's not about how many
times you fall, it's about how
many times you get up "
"That's not how sobriety tests
work," replied the cop.


"Ok John. Solve the final
puzzle on tonight's Wheel
of Fortune for $40,000.
You have the letters w-n-
soc. Your clue is, textile
or cloth mounted in an
elevated position."
"I think it's wank sock."
*audience gasps*
"Oh John, I'm sorry-the
correct answer is wind
sock."


Before proposing to my
Chav girlfriend, I asked
her dad for permission.
"Sir, I want to marry your
daughter."
"Can you support a family?"
"Yes sir."
"Good. There's nine of us."


Quinton Crisp told me his
boyfriend Ducky Dennis is
an arsonist.
Apparently, he always leaves
Quintin with a burning sensation.


I so do miss the guys who used
to come into the pub selling
seafood.
I like looking at a man with big
mussels.
Ooooooh.


We were once at a Fancy Dress
party and my wife had been overdoing
it so badly with that fake orange tan, that
this college-age girl directly confronted her
and said that she was doing cultural-appropriation
and "reface as an Apache!
The last straw was when my wife loudly said
she was going to the ladies room to put on
more war paint .


Whilst staying in China we decided to go watch
a movie
Turns out I was looking at the menu not the
film list.


The Mrs said the plumber was coming out
tomorrow.
Fucking poof.


This snotty woman was watching my dog
have a dump.
"I hope you pick up the dog shit," she snapped.
"No love", I answered,
"You're not my type."


Diarrhea Awareness week next week.
Starts Monday, runs till Friday.


I always know when my girlfriend has
had an orgasm, in fact I am confident.
It's the look on her face when she comes
home...


Excuse me, where are the Arnold Schwarzenegger
dolls in this store?
"Aisle B, back "


Why is it called an iPhone?
It really should be called
an earphone!


"Tonight, I'll do anything
you want," winked my wife.
"But only tonight!"
Crafty bitch.
It was 11.59

[Bikkie]

Teacher: "Who can tell me what's best for getting rid of blackheads?" Pupil: "The Ku-Klux-Klan, Miss?"



Fancy dinner with Harry and Meghan? It's yours for $100,000. I'd be wanting a blowjob and anal at that price.



Michelle Agyemang beat off Luke Littler and Llando Norris. Keen skier is she ?

[Bikkie]

What is Afghanistan's national sport?
Rock Throwing.

Just In CNN Fake News
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers.
Most strippers have little or no coverage.




It's that special time of the year, where everyone is talking about and searching for that mysterious man who flies through the skies, visiting children from all over the world - Jeffrey Epstein.



The Archewell Foundation – yesterday rebranded as Archewell Philanthropies – recorded total expenses of $5.1 million, while taking in donations of $2.1 million.

Those limos and private jets don't come free.

[Bikkie]

What do you call 2 robbers
A pair of knickers!


TikTok is a great app for you and your friends to enjoy, dance the night away on the app.



Nigel Farage claims that one in three Glasgow schoolchildren can't speak English fluently.

The other two are immigrants.



China are number 1 at solving Rubik's cubes. Unsurprising. They have a long history of separating colours.



I do have to say, I did find the headline in the Sun Newspaper announcing the death of singer Chris Rea was slightly insensitive

"Die Rea" is just not on.



I woke my girlfriend in the middle of the night and told her I was stressed and that only a blowjob would help...
She said, “Where are you going to find a cock to suck at three o’clock in the morning?







Why was the single lady in pain when she decorated her house for Christmas?

She put the tree up herself.




Why don't gay men win on Play Your Cards Right?

Because they also go "Hiya"




Why do delivery drivers have stinky fingers?

Because everybody seems to have a ring doorbell these days

[Piper]

My grandma knitted me a jumper for
Christmas, it had one sleeve longer
than the other, the middle but was
small, it didn't go over my belly, it
was pink and it said "White lives matter"
on the front.
I said, "I can't wear that, it's pink."


It's getting dark at 4pm, pissing down
with rain it's beginning to look a bit like
Christmas....


My love interest told me she's had
enough of my CB obsession and is
refusing to take my calls.
I think it's over, over.


Don't believe what you see in the cartoons.
No matter how hard you throw a wet toilet
plunger, it won't stick to someone's face.
Ask my angry wife if you don't believe me


Women are stronger than man.
They can be self- sufficient when it
comes to being unhappy
Whilst men need a woman for that.

( Herman Finkers )


My friend was going on a date and
asked me for recommendations for
places to eat
I said, "Well your choices are either
the vagina or the arsehole, I'd go for
whichever smells better down there."


I was in for my prostate exam and
it was going in deeper, deeper, deeper
than normal....then I realised, that the
doctor had both of his fucking hands
on my shoulders.


Well, that's Christmas ruined.
I've just seen on wikileaks what
my parents have got me.

[Piper]

"It is better to give than to receive*
Just as fucking well if your delivery
company is Evri.


I don't know anyone is surprised
at the amount of male Muslims
moving to the UK illegally.
Forced entry is very much
in keeping with their culture.


FBI demanded Andrew come
clean over a relationship with
second millionaire sex offender.
They do have a way with words,
don't they?


Chris Rea: "Fool if you think is over."
It is now.


A country is like a woman...

It loses its value and appeal
when just anyone is allowed
to enter it...

And it's filter and filter the more
pakis it's had in it...


I think Alex has probably been
told to fuck off and called a cunt
more than anything else in the
world.


Experts have recently pinpointed
the reason for the declining birth
rate in the country...lack of
communication between couples,
some of them even resorting to
texting instead of speaking to
each other.


Her..."Is it in yet?"

Him..."No, not yet"

Her..."Get a move on and
put it in now."

Him...fiddles around for a
bit..."Ok, it's in, now what?"

Her..."God give me strength!
set the temperature to 200
Celsius and the timer to
ninety minutes.. I don't want
the chicken burnt again "


Day 286 without sex.
Went jogging in flip flops
just to remember the
sound.


I've been trying to buy my
kids a pet, but you try
asking the girls in the
pet shop to look at their
puppies and before you
know it you're on the sex
offenders register


What do Australians do
when the road to the
brothel is blocked?
Find another root.


What nationality were
Adam and Eve?
Soviet, of course.
Who else would walk
around barefoot and naked,
have an apple to share between
them, and think they were in
Paradise.


I refuse to put money in the
collecting tins for the blind.
It's not as though they are
going to see any of the
money.


Roses are red
Violets are pink
It's period week
So one up the stink .


I went to a fancy dress
party dressed as a loaf
of bread.
The birds were all over
me.


Feminists. If you hate men
so much, why do you look,
dress and act like us?


Driving Fast and Furious?
That's Ludacris.


I went down to the supermarket
and asked if they still do home
deliveries.
They said they do and would I
like one?
Yes please I replied, my wife's
waters have broken and there
aren't any fucking ambulances.


People who think there's no
difference between taking kids
to Pride Parades and taking them
to Pantomimes, need the nuance
of the warning "He's behind you!"
explained to them.


I went to a Christening the other
day and the priest said, "There was
a car in the bible.
Apparently all the disciples were in
one accord.


In 1986 Jermaine Stewart sang
"We don't have to take our clothes off."
Should've heeded his own advice, he
might still be around.


A man's penis is like a Christmas tree.
In his 20's it's like an oak tree, mighty
and hard.
In his 30's and 40's it's like birch, flexible
but reliable.
After his 50's it's dead from the root up,
and the balls are just for decoration.

[Bikkie]

Santa, the only bloke who can empty his sack in many kids bedrooms and get away with it.




I just loved the British version of Home Alone 2. Jamie Bulger is a far better actor than MacAuley Culkin!




I can identify with the shepherds in the Bible who were sore afraid at Christmas. I've had o dose myself.





Apparently before his misunderstanding in water street in Liverpool, Paul Doyle was well liked by friends. One was quoted as saying he was a lovely man who would drop anything to help people.

Including the clutch :)





the great xmas hits singers George Michael, Kirsty McColl, Shane Mcgowan and now Chris Rea all died at xmas. Dont worry, Cliff Richard, you've never had a great fucking xmas song.



Boxing day today.

I fancy my chances against Grandma.





Christmas wouldn’t be the same without the turkey, a fruit cake and some nuts - but enough about the relatives ......

[Bikkie]

You know you're onto a hard woman when you ask her for a blowjob and she says, "No I'm too tired, just cum in a glass, and I will swallow it in the morning."



A girl was granted 2 wishes, 1st she asked for bigger tits, she instantly grew a perfect 38DD,
Then she asked for a really tight cunt.
She'll probably ring you later.



What does a dwarf get if he runs through a woman's legs?
A clit round the ear and a flap in the face.



A wife comes home to find her husband shagging a midget.
"You promised you wouldn't cheat on me again," "Calm down", he replies, "Can't you see I'm trying to cut down."



My wife hasn't talked to me for six months.
I considered leaving, but woman like that is hard to find.



My girlfriend got a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh,
If you put your ear up to it, you can actually smell the ocean.



Old sailor fucking hooker asks how he's doing.
She replies, "You're doing 3 knots," he says, "3 knots?", "Yes you're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back!"



There was a wee lassie from wick who said to her mum "What's a dick?" "I will tell you wee Annie, it goes in your fanny and jumps up and down until it's sick."



A man donated blood to save his Missus.
A year later they break up. He says, "give my blood back bitch."
She threw him a tampon and says,"Fuck you, I'll pay you back monthly."



Sex is like paintball.
You play hard for 30 minutes. get hot and sweaty and when it's over you're just glad you're not the one who got shot in the face!



Why did the good Lord give women thrush?.......To teach them how to live with an irritating cunt before they actually marry one!!



Uncle Bob see a sign in a shop, "Pies 50c, wanks $1."
He asks the girl behind the counter, "Are you the one who gives WANKS.?" "Yes", she says. "Will wash your FUCKING HANDS I want a pie."


A sexy girl says to her doctor, "My phone got stuck in my vagina on vibrate 3 days ago."
Doctor says, "Don't worry, I'll remove it."
The girl says, "No way, just recharge it."


Caught my missus cheating with tall black sleek sati Styer under her control.
Then she asked me for batteries.



99% of all homosexuals and lesbians use their thumb to check messages.
It's too late Queer don't try and switch fingers now.



Today it's cool to have small cars and mobiles, soon
day will come when a small penis will be in fashion and You my friend will be a Fucking LEGEND!!



My missus said I couldn't multitask today, so I proved he wrong??
Pissing while getting a blowjob probably wasn't the best way to do it!



Some bird was giving me a blowjob the other day when suddenly she stuck her finger up my arse!
Women, eh? they will do anything to get a ring on their finger.



A report out today says 40% of men over 40 suffer from erection problems!
Looking at 49% of women over 40, it's not fucking difficult to see why...!



Rose are red, daffodils are golden, always have sex in the back of a Holden.
If you don't like it, or if you get bored, turn homosexual and root in a Ford,



Last night you came into my room, and sucked me until you were satisfied.
Tonight, I'm looking for you so I can bang you against the wall.
You bloody MOSQUITO!

[Piper]

The teacher asked the class to write
an essay about an unusual event that
happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began "My daddy fell in a well last
week"
"Good grief!" the teacher explained.
"Is he ok?"
"He must be." said little Johnny
"He stopped calling for help
yesterday."


Bruce Lee was fast. But his brother
Sudden Lee was faster.


As I say there, tapping my feet, swaying
slightly from side to side and snapping
my fingers to the beat.
"All those different beats"
I said "those sudden changes in intensity
and speed, so exciting so moving, so
invigorating at times, yet relaxing at other
times, it's just fucking great."
"Ah yes" replied the doctor as he snatched
the stethoscope back. "I need to talk to you
about that quite urgently."


"Come on Alan" by Tex's Midnight Bummers.


Quintin and I sat down and ordered a couple
of burgers.
"Battered rings?" asked the waitress.
"Only his" I replied.


I was just making a comment on someone's
KFC joke and a thought came to me.
If chicken had black meat instead of white
would hens be twice as large or would it
only be cocks?


I met a female TV presenter.
I told her to bend over and
present.


I whispered in her ear what I would like to
do to her and she said, "I'm getting ready
wet." "Turns you on does it?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "you dribble a lot."


What did the Muslim shepherd eat for
tea?
Islam.


Non alcoholic beer is like a vibrator
without batteries.
It fills you up, but lacks the
buzz!


I don't know about you but I wouldn't
want to be on a Japanese aircraft carrier
when their planes are coming in.


I started playing silent tennis recently.
It's like normal tennis, just without the
racquet.


I was flirting with this woman at the bar
last night. At one point I told her, "Believe
it or not, I have the most famous surname
in All of Ireland."
She smiled and replied, Oh really?"
"How the fuck did she guess that?"


Why is there no pregnant Barbie doll?
Because Ken came in a different box.


What's the difference between furniture and
Muslims?
We can relocate furniture.


I ordered some items from Wish last year
and they still haven't arrived.
They should change their name to
You Wish.


Kids nowadays have to be double-jabbed
to go clubbing.
I know girls who used to go clubbing to be
double-jabbed.


My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she
was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round
my ankles and my cock swinging that I
realised she wanted to rent out her
spare room.


This summer I've participated in some
'Eco-friendly water sports.
I paid an escort that had purple hair $200
to piss into my mouth.


Congratulations to UK supermarkets for
replacing the small amount of plastic that
used to hold 4-packs of beer together with
a lot of cardboard that doesn't.
This forces customers to buy a carrier bag,
contributing far more plastic waste to the
environment than at any point in history.
Great fucking job there.


I saw a gorgeous blonde fall off her bike, so
I went and made sure she was alright.
I couldn't believe it when she said, "I could
marry you."
I mean, you help someone and then they
threaten to ruin your life.


Who are the most optimistic people in the
people who eat Cadburys chocolate,
They're glass-snd-a half full.


I'm not boasting lads but for some reason
today all the hot chicks think I'm stunning.
In other news, I started my new job at the
KFC abattoir.


Boomers: "I can't believe I wore Bella bottoms!"

Gen-X: "I can't believe I wore my hair like that!"

Millennials: "I can't believe I was called Goth Emo!"

Gen-Z: "I can't believe I cut my dick off!"¹


My Ducky Dennis will soon be patroling the streets
of Brighton as a special constable.
He won't be allowed to pack a big truncheon.
However I will look forward to ironing his uniform
and and give a lot of attention when it comes to
polishing his helmet.
Ooooooh.


The worry for female athletes used to be: "Will
I be on my period during competition."
Now it's: "Will my balls pop out of these
skimpy shorts."


I just got an Uber or as your mum likes to call
it, a hard on.

Bad day at the ceramics factory.
A guy got fired.


If you had velcro shoe laces when you were a
kid. Be rest assured your parents gave up on
you at an early age.


Amazing fact: I just discovered. Not a joke but
I felt worth sharing.
Mating call of birds,

Owl-twit twit to woo.

Cuckoo's-cuckoo cuckoo

Blackbird -gwan Leroy
bang it up the shitter.


What do you call the authentication information
used to enter the Danger Zone?
Kenny Log-ins.


To any aunties out there that might be reading this:
It's seriously uncool to send your nephew a birthday
card with no money in it


I've always had an admiration for bands who name
themselves to suit their appearance.
Like Motley Cruel, The Specials and The Misfits.
Oh, and The Floaters...

[Bikkie]

If a male has a sex change to become a woman and then her preferences and notes on a dating site are looking for well hung men, why the fuck did you get rid of your own in the first place




Don't know why people are moaning about king Charles Christmas speech " Be like your neighbours, do unto others " best advice in a long time. Bit of grooming got Mohammeds 4 year old daughter in the bedroom. She taught me a few new positions they don't show you in the kama sutra.
Called in on the goldburgs, Jacob sold me a semetic card it's way better than the nigger race card. When the bill arrives now due " Now Jew, NOW JEW whhaa whaa that's what Nazis said, whaaa whaa hate crime."
I was sold Jacob said " nigger and a Jew in fight when the police turn up who gets shot?"
Plus you get the buy 2 get 1 Jew only Discount.
Normal chit chat with a few other neighbours, suddenly went off like a BLM protest group had all been offered employment.
Looters striped Leroy's house everything in it was returned to its owner.





When Katie Price first heard the name Willi Prada, she no doubt thought its down to too many penis's up the cervix.



Is watching a porno with a ladyboy and a woman considered lesbian sex? Or straight sex?

Asking for my boner.

[Piper]

I once went out with a Welsh girl
who had 36DD's.
What a totally unpronounceable
Sur name that was.


I was chatting to a proper MILF in
the pub yesterday.
"I'd love to see your big hairy
cunt", I said.
"Well today's your lucky day then,"
she replied
"Really!?" I said, getting excited.
"Yep. He's standing right behind
you "


In a library:

"I'm looking for a book in sexual innuendo."
"It'll be in soon"
"Yes, that's the one."


"Hello Mr Brown, come in "
"Thank you Doctor. This is
my beautiful wife. So, what's
the diagnosis?"
"You have erectile dysfunction"
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes I recommend a visit to
Specsavers."


My son asked me ,"Dad what
is Vulcanism?" I replied, "In
the original Star Trek, it's when
Captain Kirk and Dr McCoy gang
up on Spock and make racist jokes
about his ears."


I went to get my COVID jab and the
nurse asked if I was afraid of needles.
I said, "Don't worry it's not the first
time I've had a little prick inside me."


Never make Quinton Crisp the butt
of one of your jokes.


I can't believe this wanker has been
dissing the IRA
Once we've got him in the back of
the van, "what do you want us to do?"
"You know the drill."


My Dad always said never forget where
you came from.... that's why I've always
felt like a cock and a cunt all of my life....


Suppose you marry a widow who already
has a grown up daughter and your father
marries the widows grown up daughter.
Now the widows daughter becomes your
mother.
Since your mother's mother is your wife,
your wife is also your grandmother.
As the husband of your grandmother, you
become your own grandpa.
Sweet home, Alabama.


The girlfriend was wanking me and I
asked, "How are you so good at this?"
She replied, "Years of practice."
"A bit of a player in your day, were you?"
I laughed.
"No," she said, "I was born and raised in
Thailand."


Apparently mine and the wife's idea of
all black men being hung are totally
different.


What do you call a Korean paedophile?
Li Kim Young.


Two old fellas were talking about pain
and suffering some people encounted
during their lives:
"Have you ever been in REAL pain?"
One asks the other.
"Yep," he answers.
"I've been in REAL pain twice......I was
tramping through a forest and I needed
a crap-so I dropped my trousers to my
ankles and crouched in the undergrowth.
Right on top of a bloody gin trap!"
"Jeez!" exclaimed the other.
"Your experienced REAL pain alright.....
what was the second time?"
"When I reached the end of the chain!"


This rather large woman walked up to
me at the buffet, as I browsed the
treats.
"Mind if I take one of those doughnuts
just there?"
"Help yourself," I replied.
*Thanks," she smiled.
"No," I added, "I mean help yourself... and
don't have anymore fucking doughnuts."


Yesterday afternoon my neighbours
super-hot 16 year-old came knocking
at my door, "Hi Jessica, what's up?"
"Hi DG she replied, "Mum and Dad are
away for the weekend, I'm just starting
to realise I'm probably going to get a bit
bored on my own so just thinking of ways
to amuse myself.
I thought I might party, get wasted, perhaps
get laid," she looked me up and down seductively
and asked, "So what are you up to this weekend?"
I quickly blurted out that I had nothing planned.
Anyway, now I'm dog-sitting all weekend while
she's off getting stoned and screwed.


My daughter's black boyfriend started wearing
this enormous ridiculous chain as his "bling bling "
Amazingly I actually got the spearchucker to
quietly put it away and never wear again when
I asked him if like me he was nostalgic for the
"Good old Days"


My eight year old son was playing football in
the garden when he tripped over his own feet.
He screamed and thrashed about like he been
battered.
I was so proud, my son is going to be a premier
league player someday.


1st rule of business is to "know your customers."
This is why America has the widest entrances to
their shops than any other country.


I bumped into my old English teacher that I
fancied.
"What's new?" she asked.
I said, "An adjective."


New research shows porn gives young people
an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly
a plumber will come to your house.

[Piper]

At the vaccine clinic:
"Excuse me sir, but you don't look
over 70".
"I have a landline phone"
"Take a seat."


This woman with a short skirt, boobs
hanging out, and plastered with
makeup, asked me why I was staring
at her.
"Stop judging me," she said, "I know
you think I'm a whore, but actually
I'm full of class."
I said, "Love you have about as much
class as a science university in Essex."


The neighbours kept me up all night
because they were having sex in the
early hours of the morning.
I would've asked my wife to knock on
their door, but she was out playing
tennis with her friends...


My ex-wife was livid with me because
our young daughter was crying after
my one night of custody with her...
"What,?" I asked, "You told me she
loved watching that piggy thing."
"I meant Peppa pig, not fucking
Deliverance."


My girlfriend said she wanted a
puppy for her birthday, so I got
her one
The next morning she saw me
loading it into the back of my
car and said, "Hey, where are
you going?"
I said, "I'm sending him back."
"Sending him back" she yelled.
"Why?"
"I said, "It's not your birthday
anymore."


I got depressed when I lost my
job at the Apple factory.
"Have you been talking any tablets?"
asked the doctor.
"Yeah. Why do you think I got the
fucking sack?"


When I woke up from my operation
a nurse was leaning over me and said
"You may not feel anything from the
waist down."
"So I fondled her tits.


An annoying pensioner prick gets
bored in the hospital waiting room
so he starts asking people how old
people think he is, he starts with a
woman with her baby.
Annoying pensioner: "So how old do
ya think I am love?"
Mother: "I don't know your late sixties
maybe"
Annoying pensioner: "Nooooo I'm 83!*
the old man proceeds to annoy the
fuck out of many other people until
he comes across an old lady sat
knitting quietly.
Annoying pensioner: "Guess how old
I am!"
Old lady sticks her hand down his undies
and fondles his dick and balls for two
minutes and then finally says
"Are you 83?",."YEAH....how did you
figure it out!??"
"Well I overheard you say it to that woman
with her baby over there."


Do you know what Noah's wife was called?
Joan of Arc.


Apparently back in the day if you were short
of cash and needed bog paper you used the
old newspaper,
I once read about two pensioners having a
bit of nookie, they were in the 69 position, he
says to her, "Shame about what happened in
the war."
She says, "Why mention that now?", he says
"Because it's on this bit of newspaper stuck
to your arse"...


We had a motivational conference on zoom
for work yesterday and this chipper lady told
us, "Nothing is impossible!"
"That's not true," I instantly reported.
"My wife does absolutely nothing every
fucking day."


The wife just challenged me to an online
high-pitched sound hearing test
"The dogs are going mental but how can
you still hear something?" she asked.
"I'm a married man."
I replied, "We're used to whiny, drawn-out,
unpleasant screeching noises.'


Dave. What the fuck is that dog doing?!
I said teach him to fetch!!"
"Honey, don't be mad, I swear I heard
you say felch."


Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and
Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing
who they were going to play in their new
Hollywood blockbuster
The Great Composers.
"I wanna be Beethoven."
said Stallone
"I gotta be Mozart added Willis.
"What about you Arnie?" they asked...


I am amazed at radio DJs today.
I am firmly convinced that AM on
my radio stands for Absolute Moron
I will not begin to tell you what FM
stands for.


My father used to say
"Time is the best healer."
Great bloke, terrible A&E
consultant.


What's the difference between fudge
cake and an arsehole?
I can eat my granny's fudge cake.


Do I ever reminisce about being the
most successful patrol guard at the USL
Mexico border?
I never let a Dago by.

My girlfriend said to me when I picked her
up from work today. "When was the last time
you had sex with someone that wasn't me ?"
I said, "Before we met."
She smiled. "Aw really?"
"Yes," I replied, "About 20 minutes ago."

[Piper]

Teacher: "Johnny, why is your cat at school today?"
Johnny: " ( crying ) I heard the milkman tell mum. .
"When the kid goes to school, I'm gonna eat your pussy"
The cunt was Chinese, so I wasn't talking any fucking chances."


Man goes wife to the doctor's stating he has erection
troubles.
Doctor stares at wife for 10 minutes straight,then says
your ok mate, she doesn't get me hard either.


I answered the door this morning, and a 6-foot beetle
punched me in the face and called me a cunt!
Apparently there's a nasty bug going round!!!


Medical breakthrough...The national blood unit is
now using chicken blood in blood transfusions.
It makes men more cocky and women easier
to lay.


What's the difference between a penis and
a bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus.


Bank robber takes hostages
He asks first man you see me
rob the bank?
Man says yes. He shoots
him dead.
Robber then asks the second
man, did you see me rob the
bank?
No, but my wife did.


Call chargers on your network
are changing.
The uglier you are the cheaper the
calls.
Your calls are now FREE.
I would ring but calls cost me
fucking fortune now.


Had a bloody crash this morning.
Hit a car up the arse.
Fella got out and he was a dwarf!
He said, "I'm not happy"...I said, "Well
which fucking one are you then?"


In my Biology exam today.
I was asked to name two
things commonly found
in cells.
Apparently Maori's and
coconuts is not the correct
answer!


I took my dog to the dole office
to see what he was entitled to.
Bloke behind the counter said
"We don't give benefits to dogs!"
I said, *Why not?
He's black smells he's never worked
he's has lots of bitches and he can't
speak English!
Bloke says, "Point taken".
His first payment is on Thursday.


The cops pull over a Maori driving a
black BMW.
Turns out he owned the car had a job
and no criminal record.
So they charged him with wasting
Police time


Found a Maori boy stuffed in my letterbox
this morning...I think some cunt is
blackmailing me!


I just made you open your phone for nothing.
It's great being in control and keeping your arse
in check!
Who my bitch? Your my bitch!!
Now close it!!


Man goes to a wizard and says, "Can you lift
a curse put on me years ago?"
"Maybe" says the Wizard.
"If you can remember the exact words of the
curse "
Man replies, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."


I'm going to watch my wedding video later
backwards...I love the end bit where I take
the ring off go back down the aisle jump in
the car and fuck off!


A recent survey has shown that one in three
women are just as fucking stupid as the
other two.


My mate reckons he always cries after sex.
I thought hel .
you big soft cunt!
Then I remembered...he is still in prison.


Paddy's in Japan on business.
The night before a golf game with his Jap
business partner, he decides to go to a brothel.
While on the job, the girl screams"Sung wa!
Sung wa!
He thinks this means "Very good! Very good!"
So hammers on, all proud!
e ?"The next day playing golf, the Japanese man
sinks a long putt.
Paddy wanting to impress. Yells "Sung wa!
Sung wa!" the Japanese man turns and replies
"What you mean... fucking wrong hole?"


In hindsight I should probably have written on Facebook I have blown the heat gasket on my 98 ford Escort rather than I have just fucked a 14 year old escort.The police still haven't seen that funny side of it and they have confiscated my laptop.
However the news isn't all bad, the wife has gone to stay with her mother.


Teacher asks the kids in class "what do you want to be when you grow up?" Billy says "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm,give her a Ferrari an apartment in Casablanca mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world a 200 foot yacht an infinite visa card and I wanna to screw her three times a day... The teacher in shock ignores the boy and turns to little Nancy and asks "what about you dear?"
" I want to be Billy's bitch."


At the doctors the other day only to find that my regular GP have been replaced by a gorgeous female doctor. I was embarrassed but she said: "don't worry I'm a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out thinking quickly I said: "my wife reckons my dick taste funny."


I ordered a sex-toy off the internet,a custom-made scale replica of my wife's vagina.On the day it was due to be delivered I set anxiously at my window, waiting for my postman.After what felt like forever, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn, blowing around in the breeze. I thought they would have at least fucking wrapped it.

[Bikkie]

Girls Aloud star Nicola Roberts announces pregnancy in Christmas Day message.

Someone's been playing Knock Up Ginger...




GALILEO : Great mind!
EINSTEIN : Genius mind!
NEWTON : Extraordinary mind!
BILL GATES : Brilliant mind!
ME : Master mind!

YOU????never mind






Did Andrew Mountbatten Windsor miss out on a Knighthood?

Oh well. There's always next year




A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

[Piper]

I was sitting on the bus this morning when I noticed
the most beautiful young woman sitting next to me
was reading a book titled "Strange but true sexual
facts."
"Interesting?" I asked "Yes" she replies, "For instance,
did you know that the American Red Indian has the
longest penis in the world and an Irishman has the
thickest? Oh, I'm sorry " she continued, my name's
Helen and yours?" "Tonto O'Riley."


A teacher says "Ok class I'd like you all to tell me
what you need at home," Susie says "We need a
computer." Wendy says "We could do with a new car "
Little Johnny says "We don't need anything miss!"
Teacher says "Come on Johnny everyone needs
something?" "No Miss, my sister came home with
her new African boyfriend and my dad said that's all
we fucking need.


Truckie arrives at whorehouse in Kalgoorlie after being
on the road for three weeks, slaps $500 on the counter
and says "I'll have the ugliest bitch you have a burnt chop."
The madam says "Sir with that kind of money you could
have the hottest girl here and a 3 course dinner." Truckie
says "I'm not fucking horny just homesick."


My missus decided to wear a burka for a week just to see
what the public reaction was like.
The first day she was punched, kicked spat on and received
death threats
Fuck knows what's going to happen when she leaves
the house.


Just went to Harvey Norman this morning I saw a midget
carrying a TV to his car I said, "Hey mate need some help
with that TV?" he said "Fuck off you arsehole it's an I-pad."


I met my new girlfriend's parents last night her dad
took me to one side and said "If you hurt you'll have me to
answer to.
I said "It's highly unlikely to happen as I've only got a small
cock and she has an arsehole like a hippos yawn..."

[Piper]

I took a girl home last night, but when things
got passionate she pulled away, away saying
"I'm sorry, but last time I had sex it was like
the 100 metre final."
I laughed "Oh Yeah? All done in under 10 seconds?"
She said "No, eight black men and a gun."


I went to Bunnings the other day and asked the
assistant for some nails.
He asked me how long do I need them.
I said I wanted to keep them.


I said to the wife the other day,"You are
driving me to drink."
She replied, "I'm sorry I don't mean too "
I said, "No you are driving me to drink, grab
your keys let's go."


I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability
to guess what day a woman was born on just
by feeling her boobs, "Really" She said, "Go on
then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began
to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day
was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."


I was talking to a girl in a bar last night
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had
a shave and got your haircut, you'd look
alright."
I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to your
friends over there instead of you."


What is the difference between a Maori
and dog shit.
The dog shit turns white after awhile
and loses its smell.


I went to the doctor's office the other day
and found out that my new doctor is a
young female and drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't
worry, I'm a professional --I've seen it
all before. Just tell me what's wrong
and I'll check it out."
I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes
funny."


I was starting in a queue at the bank
behind a woman with a huge fat arse.
Suddenly her mobile started bleeping
and a little boy looked up and said, "Fuck
me-she's reversing."


Winston Singh, a half Indian and half
Maori kid, asks his mum, "Am I mostly
Black or am I mostly Indian?" "You're
just my son" the mother replies.
"But why ask such a question?"
"Well my mate is selling his bike for
$50 and I don't know weather to be
an Indian and haggle or just stab
the cunt and take it "


I don't judge people based on colour,
race, religion, sexuality, gender, ability
or size
I base it on weather or not they're
an arsehole.


Do you ever have the urge to tell someone
to shut the fuck up even when they aren't
talking?


SIGN ON ITALIAN BARBER SHOP READ:
"Haircuts while you wait!"


A farmer buys a young rooster.
As soon as it comes home, it rushes
and fucks all the 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the
rooster again Screws all 150 hens.
Farmer gets tense now.
Next day he finds the rooster fucking
the ducks and geese. Later, the farmer
finds the rooster pale, half-dead and
vultures circling overhead.
Farmer says, "You deserved it, you
horny bastard;"
The rooster opens one eye, and says,
"Sshh They're about to land."


According to recent studies, blowjobs are
healthiest breakfast, as it comes with a
sausage, two nuts and a protein shot.
So do the women in your life a favour
and pass this message on so they stay
healthy....suck a dick and don't get sick.


Two eggs sitting in the fridge.
One says "Hey you ok buddy? Your all
green and hairy."
"That's because I'm a kiwifruit arsehole "


He nudged his wife in bed last night, and
whispered, "Did you know it's National Orgasm
Day?"
"Oh, what a pity," she yawned, turning away.
"Right in the middle of National Headache week."


My son said, "Dad, when was the first time you
fell in love?"
I said, "I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted
the most gorgeous blonde I'd ever seen.
Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her."
He said, "So what happened?"
I said, "Nothing. The cunt missed and hit
your mother." :)


Women are the only species known to man that
can defy the laws of gravity.....The more they weigh,
the easier they are to pickup.


A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who finds than man.

[Bikkie]

I love you lots like Jelly Tots.
But Not as Much as Vodka Shots!
But I'm your Friend until the end.
So, pass this onto your pisshead friends.
HAPPY NEW YEAR my friend.




New Year’s Day!

Or, as media companies call it: “Update year of death on our hundreds of books and news montages which are ready to roll the instant another celebrity dies” Day.





My missus wasn't best pleased with her christmas gift, and told me to put it where the sun don't shine...

So I've been in Scotland since christmas day.




I trust my wife completely.

I just double-check the tone first.



Idris Alba to be knighted after campaigning against knife crime.

Wait until he sees what he gets knighted with.




A woman goes to a photo studio and asks the photographer, “Does this camera help people look younger?”

The photographer says, “No, it just shows the truth faster.”




A guy goes to the hardware store to buy some insecticide. He holds up a box and asks the store manager, “Is this stuff good for beetles?”

The manager replies, “No, it’ll kill ’em.”




Friendship is so weird...you just pick a human you've met and you're like "Yep I like this one" and you just do stuff with them.




How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!




What's the difference between kinky and perversion?
Kinky you use a feather and perversion you use the whole chicken.




What's red and bad for you if it gets stuck between your teeth?
A brick.



Kids know too much these days.
Today in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie and Ken dolls immitating the doggy position, I bent down and told her, "You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that."
She replied, "I don't think so dickhead, he's doing her up the arse..."




I met a big fat girl in the pub last night and I said to her "Shit your a big girl aren't you?"
With a tear in her eye she said, "Tell me something I don't know."
So, I said, "Salad tastes nice!"




Today I was asked how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently "In high Definition" wasn't the correct answer.




I remember the first time I had sex, in fact I still have the receipt.



They had to get a translator in at the local Winz today.
Someone came in speaking English.



A few days ago, I saw a poor old lady fall over on the footpath.......at least I assume she was poor....she only had $1.20 in her purse.




Two cattle drovers were standing in an outback bar.
One asked, "What are Ya up to mate?: "Ahh, I'm taking a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie" "Oh yeah...and what route are you taking?"
"Ah, probably the Missus...after all, she stuck by me during the drought..."




When a woman says "What?"! Its because she's giving you a chance to change what you said.




A white trash woman is filling out a welfare form.
The form asks how many kids she has, she writes 10.
The form says state the names of each, she writes Cletus.
The woman at the desk asks why she wrote one name when she has 10 children.
The woman says, "They're all named cdeltus."
"How do you know which child will come when you call them?"
"That's easy, I just use their last names."




Nearly became a doctor......When I was young I decided to go to medical school.
At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form me of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered spine are doctors today while the rest of us are sending jokes via text?...




Ioften tell women I'm old school, like a vinyl record.
If you want me to play nice, blow me.




A jogger slips on a dog turd and injures himself badly.
A passer by screams out "Someone call an ambulance, I'll put him in the faecal position!">




An old man was in a hospital bed. He leaned over to the hot young nurse attending to him and whispered, "Give us a kiss love," "No!" she replied. "Oh, go on he pleaded, "No!" she replied again. "Please, just a peck on the cheek" he begged. "For the last time, no! I shouldn't even be wanking you off!!."




Back in the day, William Shatner was engaged to Stevie Nicks, but she couldn't go through with it.
She wasn't too keen on being Stevie Shatner Nicks'





I accidentally ate some dog treats, they were quite tasty actually, but this stupid bitch next door complained to the Police when I was marking my territory outside her house.




A Crimewatch reconstruction is being made of the train attack on the Queen.

A teenage Camilla is still being sought , but Andrew says he'll play the baddie.

[Piper]

My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how
useless men are.My wife said "They can't do two things at
once." I interrupted and said "Actually, I can."she
asked me to give her an example and I replied "Well while I was
sodomizing you last night I was thinking about your sister."


5 year old Tommy asked his mate Bobby what a penis was.
Bobby's response was that he didn't know and he said he'd ask his dad.
That evening Bobby asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to his
son and holding his penis in one hand said, "Son this is a penis.
In fact, if you take a closer look you'll notice that it's a perfect penis."
The next day Bobby saw Tommy at recess and called him behind a hedge,
he exposed himself and whispered, "This is a penis.In fact, if it were three
inches shorter it would l be a perfect penis "


An outback hillbilly was in holiday at Bondi Beach
and couldn't seem to make it with any girls so
he asked a lifeguard for advice, "Mate it's obvious,
those baggy shorts are way out of date, they make
ya look old and lame.
Your best bet is to grab some Speedo's two sizes
too small and drop a fist sized potato inside them,
you'll have all the babes you want!".
The following day, the hillbilly hits the beach in his
skintight Speedo's complete with a fist sized potato.
As he strutted the beach, people covered their faces,
laughed and looked away, disgusted.
He confronts the lifeguard again and asks what is
wrong this time.
The lifeguard replies, "Maaate, the bloody potato
goes in the front!!".


What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
Not many people will pay $200 to have a lentil on their face


My wife told me she had got a tattoo of a mouse
on her inner thigh.
She pulls her skirt up higher, higher, "It's not there?!
"Oh pussy must've eaten it."


Pastor John Flaps see a lady church member getting
drunk in a pub.
He tries to take her home but they fall and he ends up
on top of her. Landlord shouts "Oi mate you can't do
that in ere!"
Reverend replies, "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."
Landlord says, "Oh well, if your that far in you may as well
finish."


I was asked who my favourite X-Men character was
Apparently Bruce Jenner was an inappropriate answer.


A teacher was working with a group of kids.
She had some lifesavers lollies, "Children, I'd like you to close
your eyes, taste and identify these "
They guessed the cherries, lemon and mint, but when the
teacher gave them the honey lifesavers, all of the kids were
stumped.
The teacher said, "I'll give you a hint, It's something your mum
calls your dad all the time."
Little Johnny instantly spat his into the floor and shouted, "Quick
spit'em out! They're arseholes."


Customs took away my fortified wine.
I've been de-ported.


Kenny Loggins took five grams of coke
to go down on Katie price.
He took the highway to the danger zone.


I went for a job as a contortionist.
They said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "Well I can't do Thursdays.

[Piper]

Back in 1983, I fell off my
bike, twisted my foot and
hurt my knee.
For dinner that same-day I
had a gammon steak with
pineapple and Chips. For
dessert I had apple pie
with custard, followed by
a strawberry and banana
milkshake.
I'm telling you all this now
because there was no
social media in the 1980;


"Put the heating on will
you love."

"If the heating goes on,
you know I'll take my
clothes off."

"You win...Chuck us my
coat."


What's the difference
between the Italian mafia
and the Scottish mafia?

The Italian mafia make
you an offer you can't
refuse, the Scottish mafia
make you an offer you
can't understand.


A man was stopped by the
police at around 2 am.

The officer asked him
where he was going at
that time of the night.

The man replied-"I'm on
my way to the lecture
about alcohol abuse and
the effects it has on the
human body as well as
smoking and staying out
late."

The officer then asked-
really? who's giving that
lecture at this time of
night?'

The man replied "That
would be my wife."


When my dad told me
he was going to give me
advice on grooming, I was
very disappointed when
he started by producing a
comb and aftershave.


My girlfriend started to
whine, I gently patted her
back saying, "That's right.
Let It all out*... sadly...it
doesn't matter how much
air you remove, you can
never get your blow-up
doll back into the box.


I picked up several women
in the gym and banged
them just by showing off
and maxing out in one
machine that was there.

an ATM


I made my wife so happy
last night when I told her
she has "the face of a
Princess."

She was much less so
when I elaborated I was
specifically talking about
Beatrice.


I was in the supermarket
and this hot bird was
checking me out.

Then she looked at me
seductively and said...

"Cash or card?"


"I hear you split up with
your wife"
"I did. Would you stay with
someone who sat about in
their bra and pants all day,
drinking Gin and watching
Loose women?"

"I sure wouldn't."

"Well, neither would she."


As I got out of my car
there was a notice
That read 'Mon-sat
8am-6.30pm 2 hours. No
return within 2 hours.

It's a sign of the times.


I saw a sign in the park
saying, "If your dog
does a poo, pick it up."

I'm not sure I
can do it.

My Great Dane is
fucking heavy.



The wife is demanding
honesty in our
relationship.
Until she asks whether or
not her bum looks big in
this dress.


I'm about to have sex.
I have of course put a
condom in so I won't get
any STD's such as...in this
case, necrosis.


"I bought you an
engagement ring," I told
my girlfriend.

"How much did it cost?"
she asked in a flash.

"$400," I told her.

"$400?!" she fumed. "You
said you were going to
spend a month's wages!"

I said, "Yes, that's how
much my little brother
earns each month doing
housework."


Ted the Baker had his
funeral today, as a mark of
respect a single flour was
placed on his coffin.


Going in I had one rule
that stuck with me. Don't
drop the soap. Well, I didn't
drop it, not once in two
and a half years. It's the
best advice I was
ever given and the best I
can ever give.

Trust me, it just really
helps to have something
to bite down on.


Things instantly went
sour with the absolutely
stunning 24 year old
young woman I had plans
to leave my wife for whom
I finally took down my
trousers and unfortunately
had to show her my
relatively small penis.

She just started for a bit
and finally said, It's like
your cock is playing
hide-and-seek, and it's really
good at it."


Why do prunes have a use
by date?
They're to clear you
out.


I said to my wife, I think
that's a 'chick with a
Dick'!"
"No, that's a rooster."


My Dad always said to his
assistant, "pull the other
one," great bloke terrible
fucking Dentist.


I wouldn't say my best
make was bad at golf but
you need a lot of balls to
play like he does


I went to Alaska
and was asked by a
couple of nice ladies
if I fancied a bit of
clubbing.
After ten minutes I
felt really sorry for
those seals.


People who are employed
are called employees.
People who have COVID
test are called testes.


My blow-up doll goes down
quicker than a fat bird on a
nigger.

[Bikkie]

Maduro really loving that Oculus Rift that Trump sent him for Christmas.



Where will you find the finest cognac in the universe?

On XO planets


Hahahaha boom boom fuck off




Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro is to be thrown into a detention centre that houses Diddy, Ghislaine Maxwell and R. Kelly.

That's not prison, that's a party.

[Bikkie]

Should be some fight for Greenland , Americans on one side , Eskimos on the other...

...and in the middle , Snowman's land !




A guy asks his doctor for something to help with his depression.

The doctor says, “Have you tried ignoring it like everyone else?”





Savile, Harris, Glitter.

These things come in threes.



In the dentist's waiting room today, I got talking to that Andrew-formerly-known-as-Prince.

'What are you in for?' he asked.

I replied, 'I lost a crown last night, on account of a piece of toffee.'

He said, 'That's nothing. I lost one on account of a piece of fresh meat.'




I applied for a job as a bin man the other day.

I was a little worried i wouldn't fully understand but apparently you pick it up as you go along.



I was in work today when a woman walked in with her tits hanging out!

Me and my mates were shouting, "Wahay! Check out the knockers on that!"

I don't think we're cut out for work in the mammography department.



I won £3 million and donated a quarter of it to charity.
I now have £2,999,999.75 left.



'Free cinema passes for a month for Dublin hospital staff who worked over Christmas.'
"I spent enough time with my hands down the toilet this Christmas, now my eyes will be down the toilet!" One of the hospital staff commented...

[Piper]

My doctor said that I
should put a bar in my
shower to stop me falling
.over.

Silly cunt! After four
double rums I can't
even find the soap.


As we sat in the farmers
field on our honeymoon,
my wife said:

"You're a fucking idiot."

"Why?" I replied, "this is
what you asked for."

"No I fucking didn't" she
screamed, "I asked for
Bali "


I read somewhere that
6.7% of people have an
alcohol problem, and I
couldn't help thinking,
"6 7%.... that would make a
pretty strong beer."


I've just read that having
orgasms is one of the
healthiest ways to relieve
stress
So does that mean if
you're told to "fuck
yourself" what their really
saying is "I care about
you"?


The COVID vaccine is 95%
effective. It sounds high
but to put it in perspective
imagine that's how
effective your girlfriend's
contraceptive pill was.


What's an Afghan farmers
favourite animal?

Islam.


So, the following have
said that they will refuse
the COVID vaccine....

Muslims because it
contains a pork derivative.

Vegans because it
contains an animal
product.

Blacks because it is white
man's medicine and has a
tracking Chip.

Anti-vaxxers because they
are idiots.

There a fears that these
groups will be most at risk
from catching and dying
from COVID -19 in the
future.

Every cloud.


My wife texted me in the
supermarket.
"I fancy an omelette, make
sure you don't get caged
eggs it's cruel, get the
ones that are kinder."
Only that fat cunt would
eat a chocolate omelette!!


I always punish my liver
on weekends

Mercy is for the week.


One of the saddest
moments in my life was
being left at the altar.
Worst baptism ever...


I once had a dentist many
years ago who was quite
obviously gay and talked
with a heavy lisp

He got really fucking mad
when I seriously couldn't
help myself and called
him "The Tooth Fairy!"

That was honestly a big
fucking mistake on my
part, just before he went
hard at my molars with
that fucking drill.


I got sacked at my last job
before I'd even finished
my training. We did one
of those fucking irritating
icebreakers and the
question was "What movie
title describes your sex
life?
After going around the
room and hearing clichéd
answers like Deep Impact
and Get Hard, the trainer
turned to me and said,
"I didn't quite get yours,"
"Deep Blue Sea?" I replied,
"No, it's Deep Blue C. I'm a
necrophiliac."


Can't stand cricket it's just
a bloke hitting a ball with
a piece of wood,
Give me snooker any day!


A tube of lubricating
gel please, I said to the
pharmacist.
"K Y," she replied.

"Because my wife's twat
is as dry as sticks. That's
why if you must know."


Two guys in a pub.
One says to the other, "Don't
you think all Liverpool
fans are arseholes?".
A huge guy sitting near
them stands up and
says, "I take offence at
that statement you just
made!"
"I didn't mean to offend
you mate. Are you a
Liverpool fan?*
"No, I'm a arsehole!"


I've got a business selling
panty pads and Viagra
They call me the rag and
bone man.


Why couldn't the
stuttering Rimmer say the
word 'anus'?
Because it was stuck on
the tip of his tongue.


I just bought a Liverpool
shirt, and it's the best
thing so far, for social
distancing


I crashed my car this
morning on the motorway
and had to leave it on the
hard shoulder.
I phoned up my insurance
company and the woman
on the phone asked.
"Are you in the AA?"
I said, "No, but I am
concerned I've been
drinking too much.


Life is shit and after death
there is nothing
So nothing is better than
shit.


Report: Undertakers could
save money by not putting
the final nail in the coffin.

In test, no corpse has
managed to push the lid
off yet.


Have you noticed the
hearse drivers don't overtake.
They do the opposite.

Have you seen how
expensive funerals are
nowadays?
Just before I die, I'm going
to change my name to
'OFF'. That way when
the car is driving to the
graveyard with my coffin
in it, The flowers on top of
the coffin will spell
"R .I.P OFF."


My missus kept banging
on for me to buy her
ladies lynx for her
birthday. She went fucking
mental when I gave her a
chain off a ladies bike


There's more Chinese
people in the world than
any other nationality.
My wife must think I'm a sex
god because she's given
me a Chinese nickname.

Mousey Dong


Someone should perfect a
bread recipe based around
dill.
How many women would admit
to kneading their dill dough?


Nobody does this, nobody
bothers to even pick that
up-my wife is forever
praising this "nobody" just
wait till I get my hands on
the smug little cunt.

[Bikkie]

The BBC have plans to make a film about Catherine de Medici, who apparently was known as the Black Queen.



I broke my nose last night.

I walked into a crowbar.

i'll tell you, those crows are really protective of who uses their pubs.




I'm not using Amazon anymore!
I ordered grain for my chickens.
But after I got it, they sent
an email asking for my feedback.




I’ve learned that silence in a relationship means one of us is thinking.

And it’s not me.




So there I was watching the video... and when I heard "boom boom", I was appalled.

What idiot thought of a glove puppet fox who laughs at his own jokes?



Lorraine Kelly bursts into laughter at a guest with the world's smallest penis.

That's rich coming from someone with the smallest brain.




Cut my hand whilst slitting patio slabs recently.

Still - Sore!





Lorraine Kelly meets man with worlds smallest penis or smallest Willy meets biggest cunt




Why are Black people skipping cruise vacations?

They've been on that "free boat ride" before.

[Bikkie]

"Hi Pete, I'm glad I've run
into you. I'm organising
a stag do for Dave, we're
off to Amsterdam. I don't
want the details public
so Insta and Facebook
are out-I'll send you the
details on Messenger."

"I don't have Messenger."

"Ok, I'll WhatsApp you."

"I don't have WhatsApp."

"Bebo? Myspace? Friends
Reunited? Ancestry.com?"

"Haha! I'm not that old."

"I'll text you."

"I lost my mobile."

"I'll call you."

"I'm waiting for Spark to fix my home phone."

"Tell you what, I'll meet you at the clock in the town square on saturday at 12 noon to give you the details."

"Cool. Bring them in a letter."




I'm opening a new tool and sweet shop on an Irish building

It'll be called, Pick 'n' Micks.




If any of you believe in love at first sight....
....look once, look twice.....
then run like fuck.




Last night I fucked a girl with glasses.

She had one in each hand and didn't want to spill them.




I've been learning snooker

The only time a black does anything is when a white hits it.




I'm not saying I watch too much porn but my TV Laptop and Tablet have windscreen wipers.




My new paki neighbours were having a house warming party. A Molotov cocktail should do the trick.




I said to my girlfriend
"When I asked you to tease me, I didn't mean say my cock was small."




The neighbours knocked on the front door

"We're going out tonight."

They told me. "We need a babysitter for our two-year-old boy that doesn't smoke or do drugs or gamble."

"I'm not sure why you're boasting." I replied. "I don't know any two-year-olds that do these things."





I really hate using punctuation.

Full stop




Lorry carrying snooker equipment has crashed on the M25, cues expected.


Only gone an bagged myself a six foot blonde, we aint fucked yet but by the sounds of it she's a catch, everywhere we go people whisper "here's that hot lass with that tight little cunt."




I'm noy saying my wife has gotten comfortable, but the only bending over and panting she does these days is when she's looking in the biscuit cupboard.

[Bikkie]

Why did the UAE just cancel all the scholarships to UK universities?

Because they heard the Muslim Brotherhood was offering a better exchange program — free radicalisation with every lecture, and you still get to keep your passport!



I hate to leave my washing alone,

So I always make sure it's in comfort.



Lego has just unveiled a totally new kind of brick that looks just like a classic 2x4 piece, but contains a tiny computer.

When you walk on it, it screams for you.




Mickey Rourke puts down his begging bowl to star in a new movie - Down and Out In Sin City




Cryptocurrency news:

'Islamic Coin' up nearly 500% in 24 hours.

Fuck me, that's going to explode...




Police have said they will not be pressing charges following video footage of Prince Andrew fornicating with a 12 year old from Nimes.
They said it was only a minor miss de Nimes er

[Piper]

I was going to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.
But you probably never heard of herbivore.


Which side of a turkey has more feathers?
The outside.


What did the drummer name his two twin
daughter's?

Anna 1 Anna 2.


What do you call a teacher who never
farts in public?
A private tutor.


What has 5 toes but isn't your foot?
My


Why can't you trust the king of the
jungle?
Because he's always lion.


Did you hear about the famous pickle
he's a really big dill


What do you call a Frenchman wearing
sandals?
Philippe Philippe.


What does a lesbian pirate with two
peg legs say to her girlfriend?
Scissor me timbers.


Why can't orphans play baseball?
Because they can't find their home.


What do you call a factory that makes
okay products?
A satisfactory.


A little bit of wee is not going to hold
me back!

Sounds great in a Tena lady commercial.

Not so much when one of you pissed the
bed but still want to fuck in the morning.


"How much do I owe you for those period
pads you bought me?"
"A tenner lady."


Heroin Training -Fuck yeah, I feel great!

No wait, sorry I meant to write 'Hero in
training'.


Exotic Foods:

English -pot Noodle

Cambodian-pol pot Noodle

Korean -Dog Noodle

Scottish -och the Noo-dle.


A friend asked me to do a
Native American impression.
I said how.


Life is all about how much shit
you're willing to put up with just
to get your dick wet.


Best chat up line ever-Actually works.

"Excuse me, love, are you a lawyer?

Because I want you to get me off."


My dad always said around every
corner is a surprise.

Nice guy, shit tour guide.


Some gay guys at work
were talking about what
they like to do in their free
time right in front of me.

Fucking arseholes.


Two heads are better than
one was not something I
wanted to hear from my
Tai bride.


Something has always
perplexed me about
people who draw cartoons
of the prophet Muhammad.
How do they know what he
looked like!


I tried to buy cologne for a
gender neutral non-binary,
genderqueer, two spirit, third
gender relative.

Like a bisexual, the scented
oill-based liquid only comes in
male and female.

[Bikkie]

Blind prostitutes ... You gotta hand it to them




Jeetesh begging: "I didn't do child abuse!"
Officer: "This IS child abuse."
Jeetesh: "But in India, we call it 'arranged chatting'—can I get a diplomatic immunity upgrade?"




Why did the Indian student think he could groom UK teens?

Because back home, "just a warning" means "bail in 2 hours and a Netflix special on how you're the real victim."




Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.

"What's that, Mummy?" asks the child.
"Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.

A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?"
"That, son, is the elephant's penis."
"Mummy said it was nothing."
"Your mother's spoilt, Son!"




A brand-new teacher noticed that the kids kept teasing one boy, calling him “Mikey the Moron.”

During recess, the teacher asked why.

One of the boys said, “Because he is a moron! Watch this…”

He held out a large 50-cent coin and a smaller one-dollar coin.
Mikey looked at both and—just like the kids expected—took the 50-cent piece.

Later, the teacher pulled Mikey aside and gently said,
“Mikey, the 50-cent coin may be bigger, but the one-dollar coin is worth more. You understand that, right?”

Mikey sighed and replied,
“Of course I understand that, sir.”

“Then why do you always choose the 50-cent coin?” the teacher asked.

Mikey grinned and said,
“Because the day I take the dollar… is the day they stop giving me money.”




A young couple were driving home one night.

As they came around a curve, they ran over a mother skunk. The woman saw a baby skunk crying on the side of the road and demanded her boyfriend stop. Taking the baby home, it started shivering.

The woman said, "It's cold. What do I do?"

The man replied, "Put it down between your legs and warm it up."

The lady then asked, "What about the smell?"

The man replied, "I guess it'll just hold it's little nose!"




A girl finds a genie and gets two wishes.
First wish: "Make my tits massive!"
Boom—38DD, perfect, gravity-defying perfection.
Second wish: "Now give me the tightest pussy imaginable."
Genie grins: "Done."
Her phone starts ringing off the hook...
She'll probably call you back when she's done screaming.




An Essex girl and John are playing a game of hide and seek.

John counts to ten while the Essex girl hides.

After about thirty seconds, John gets a text from the Essex girl saying:

“If you find me, you can lick my pussy and fuck me up the arse.

If you can’t,

I’m in the shed.”



Paddy & Mick walking down the road, and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand.

Paddy says to Mick "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, You can have them both"




My girlfriend left me because she said I was sex mad.

Sex mad with her sister who had nicer bigger tits.




An autistic Barbie doll has been released by Mattel, featuring gaze-avoiding eye contact, a fidget spinner, and noise-cancelling headphones.

And an AK-47, for when she goes off the rails.




Yvette Cooper telling The Iranian government that they're out of order…

…is like my Nan telling feral niggers in Lon to behave themselves, innit.





For someone who has massive problems grasping the difference between a
refugee seeking asylum and an escapee from a lunatic asylum, Trump is gonna
have trouble getting his head around Greenland's capital's name, Nuuk.

[Piper]

I was speaking to my ex
earlier, reminiscing about
old times and she asked
me to describe how sex
with her compared to my
latest women's.I replied
"Sex with you is like being
on a rollercoaster."

"Aww" she says, flatted.
"Is that because I'm the
best ride of your life?"

"Err, no, love.I had to
queue up for two hours
then I puked on the guy
behind me."


I was fucking my
secretary up the arse
when my wife walked in
she said, "You can't do
that to me."
I said, I know.. that's why
I'm doing it to her "


My wife really impressed
staff when she used
French phrases and adhered
to French etiquette at the
Bouchon.

Yet when I squinted my
eyes and said"Me want
bowl of flied lice" at the
Chinese restaurant, they
took the prawn cracker
basket off my head and
asked me to leave.


My dream job would be
answering the phone on
the suppository helpline.
Imagine that. Every time
someone phones up, you
tell them to shove it up
their arse!


Once ordered some Viagra
off the Dark web.
Ended up getting stiffed.


The moment I realised
that my girlfriend was a
slag was when she walked
in my kitchen and saw me
slicing a cucumber.
And said "You think my
minge is a fucking money
box or something?"


I was driving along when a
man waved me down.

I stopped the car and he
asked me if I could give
him a few directions.

"Certainly," I replied, "up
down, east end west."

Then I drove off.


Apparently if your wife
ever says "if anything
happens to me, I want you
to meet someone new .."
"Anything" doesn't include
getting stuck in traffic.


I said to the robber, "I have
a wife and four kids "

"I'm not going to shoot
you" he replied.

"You heartless cunt," I said.


Two cockneys down the
boozer
First one, "I've just bought
a car off the krays"
Second one, "What reg"
First one, "no Ronnie ".


For some reason, women
get really annoyed when a
man watches pornography
on their phone.

It's why I no longer work at
the Apple store.


If anyone's got any old Toy
Story characters they don't
want give me a buzz.


At the restaurant the
pretty waitress asked
"How do you like your
steak sir?"

I said,"The same way I
like my sex."

She said,"Very rare then."


My Grandad always said:
"Problems always solve
themselves in the end "

Top bloke, shit math
teacher.


I like most people there
days use metric. That is
until it comes to telling
someone the size of
your cock, then 50 mm
does not sound too
impressive.


It's bullshit that men
can't multitask.

I have 3 families
and a girlfriend.


My wife has been
going to the gym
and she is starting
to look that good
that I've had to tell
her sister that she'd
better start to get
herself in shape.


My wife looked out
the window, sighed,
and said, "When will
the rain stop falling?"

"When it hits the
ground," I replied.


I was at a bar the other
day and I saw a hen party
wearing T-shirts printed
with the words Penis
Police. I asked them what
it meant.

They said that if I had
an average-sized penis, I
would be charged with a
misdemeanor. If I had
a large penis, I would be
charged with felony

Anyway long story short,
they gave me a parking
ticket.


My wife told me she's
going to allow rough sex,
facials, fetching, and deep
pounding anal

Admittedly, I've received
better emails from her
when she's been staying
away in a hotel with work
colleagues.


I asked the colonel what
the lowest rank in the
army was

He said, "It's private."

I said, "Come on, you can
tell me "


An armed man has just
run into an estate agents
and shouted
"Nobody move."


Someone was telling me
about this ship that travels
in international waters
and offers abortions for
women from countries
where the practice is
banned.. .I couldn't help
but wonder what the ship
would be called....All
Abort?


I told my daughter to take
an old damaged portrait
of herself to a restorer to
get fixed. Dirty cunt just
texted me saying he'd
touched her up!


When I heard Muslims
can have four wives I
decided to convert to
Islam. I changed my mind
when I realised that also
have four mother's -in-law


I'm doing a quiz and need
some help...I know Henry
VIII had 6 wives -There
was Catherine of Aragon,
Anne Boleyn, Anne of
Cleves, Catherine Howard,
Catherine Parr but, for
the life of me, I can't
remember the surname of
the other called Jane...see
more.


What's 6 inches long pink
and makes my wife moan
all day?
Her fucking tongue!


My wife was livid when
she was recently refused
sales of products to stop
her heavy menstrual flow.

"Sorry ma'am, right now
we can't sell any pillows or
mattresses."


What do you call a bullet
proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea :)


I wanted to call our son.
Lance, but my wife
said it was uncommon.
I said that in medieval
times parents call their
sons Lance a lot.


Life is like a box of
chocolates.

Not as fun with diabetes.


I was going to go to the
gym, but then I remember
I have a personality.


I've given up on dealing
coke.
Tired of people sticking
their noses in my
business.


The adjective for metal
is metallic, but not so
for iron, which is ironic.


Drinking Fosters really
puts the wee in weekend.


Sir Edmund Hillary
climbed Mount Everest
with the aid of an assistant.

Was he permanent?

No, he was a Sherpa
Temping.
.
.
.
.
Fill your boots guys


What a wonderful world
we live in. I opened the
curtains on this crisp icy
morning and what did I
see?
Only two pensioners
outside breakdancing.
They looked like they were
in their 80's. How cool is
that at their age?


Last night I found out we
had black people in our
family tree!. .

Not to worry though, Dad
got his shotgun and shot
them out of the branches!


I used think FedEx was run
by Hannibal Lecter.


I thought I'd take my
stamp collection to
impress a girl on our first
date.
She said,*Philately will get
you nowhere..."


It's a dive minute walk
from my house to the pub.

It's a thirty five minute
walk from the pub to my
house.

The difference between is
staggering!!


What is now black on top
and white on the bottom?

Society.


My last girlfriend and I
broke up because of
musical differences.

She refused to play my
skin flute.


What's the difference
between a hippy girl and a
Muslim girl?
One gets stoned before
sex, and the other after
sex.


What do you call a Muslim
lesbian?
Gasheeta.


Why did the music teacher
go to jail?

Because he fingered the
wrong miner


I am trying to be more
politically correct these
days, the wife burnt the
dinner, so I gave her an
'eye ok colour '.


Saw some blackbirds with
great tits today. Had a
woodpecker, now I have
thrush.


A feminist shouted at me,
*Men only want one thing
and it's disgusting!"

"Clean it then, you dirty
bitch* I replied.


Have you ever noticed
that when geese fly in a
V formation, one side is
always longer than the
other.

That is because there are
more geese on that side.


Another benefit being
on the dole is you're
never going to come
home from work to catch
your wife shagging the
postman.


I sexually identify as a
microwave meal.

I come ready in three
minutes and look fuck all
like the picture.


"Daddy, why do they always
put bus stops outside shops
and post offices?"

"Well, sweetheart, it's so
mummy and daddy have
somewhere to park our
nice BMW when we need
to go to the shops or post
office."


If I had to choose between
freedom of speech and my
gun, I'd choose my gun.

Then I'd say whatever I
wanted because I've got a
fucking gun!


What does a garden gnome
and a dwarf have in common!

Very little.


My wife referenced
something to me from
Cosmo that women find it
romantic to get surprise sex
from their husbands.

So I do what she fucking
wants and roll her fat arse
over at 1am and start fuckt
her up the duff, and all she
does is starts screaming.


"So class" said the teacher ,
"Can anyone give me an
example of a sentence?"

"She's" said Little Johnny.

"That's not a sentence "
she replied, "It needs
punctuation and cont"

"But I heard it last night"
Johnny said. "My brother's
mate started fucking his
rubber doll and it started
leaking. My brother said
"She's full, stop."


After seeing a palm reader, I
face him my money.

He held the note up to the
light and frowned."This is
fake," he said.

I said, "Now you know what
it feels like."


I said hello to my new neighbour
this morning....
*How's it going?..I asked
"I just want to be left alone."
He said.."my last neighbour
tormented me with subtle
comments about being a
monkey."
I replied.. "Sorry for my
howler, I didn't mean to pry
mate."


Listening to the radio with the
wife earlier.
She said,"Ooh, this is Elton John,
isn't it? Didn't he do candle in the wind?"
I replied, "He probably tried it as a
teenager "


The salesman said, "This sofa will seat
five people without any problems."

"Fuck that" I thought, "Where am I
supposed to find five people without
any problems."


Jesus saves

Without interest rates the way they are
nowadays, he'd better going with
Bitcoin.


I just got back from acting in a porno
where there were 8 black guys and I
was the only white bloke

I had a really small part


Are you looking for a tradesman in
your local area?

Try the Job centre.


My wife is on her period so we can't
have sex

The period between marriage and
death.


We had a blackout in the street last
night.
He stole all the lightbulbs.


Never judge a book by it's cover.
But, if the covers black, it's
probably robbed your phone.

[Piper]

I went to a pub and
ordered a pint. As the
landlord put my drink
down, I asked him for the
WiFi code
"Oh no," he said, "there's
no WiFi in here people
used to sit talking in pubs
about their day, their, families,
work, politics, music, the lot-now
people just stare at their phones
and it breaks my heart to see;
therefore, no WiFi in this pub "
"You know what?" I replied,
"You're right!" and I put my phone
away.
"Thank you," the landlord said, "In
this pub I want you to act as you
would thirty or forty years ago "
So I lit a cigarette, gave him $1
for the pint and said, "No fucking
problem mate "


I was in the pharmacy
waiting for my prescription
when this pretty assistant
started flirting with me .
so as I waited I couldn't
help but ask, "do you take
it up the arse or do you
swallow..?" That was when
she called the police...
You know to this day I still
don't know what I supposed
to with my suppositories.


George Kerr a Scottish
soldier, in full dress
uniform,
marches into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens
his sporran
and pulls out a neatly
folded cotton bandana,
unfolds it to reveal a
smaller silk square
handkerchief,
which he also unfolds-
to reveal a condom.
The condom has a
number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up
and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?"
George asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence " says the chemist.
George painstakingly
folds the condom into the
silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana,
replaces it carefully, in his
sporran,
and marches out of the
door,
shoulders back and kilt
swinging.
A moment or two later
the chemist hears a great
shout go up outside,
followed by an even
greater shout.
George marches back into the
chemist's and addresses the
proprietor, this time with a
grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a
vote," he says
"We'll have a new one."


Little Johnny arrived home
early from school ( run by nuns )
one day, his mum was a bit surprised.
"What are you doing home this early?"
she asked.
"I've been suspended" he replied .
"Why?" said his mum
"We were learning about
animals and the names
of the males and females
of the species, such as sheep...rams
and ewes"
"Nothing wrong with that "
said mum,
"I know* said Johnny "and
when Sister Mary asked if there
were questions, I asked if she knew
what a female peacock was called.
She didn't, so I told her ..and here
I am now!"


When it comes to raising our kids,
the wife says I had a small part

In her


I raised the alarm at work
today

The midgets were furious


My Dad told me he had a
cowboy builder in to fix
the wall in the garden.
The work was shite and his
horse had shit all over the
driveway.


The Muslim I was
working with on a tower
scaffolding lost his
footing and slipped. I
managed to grab his hand
as he was dangling 150
feet in the air.

"Please, please," he
begged, "don't let me
drop!"

"Will you eat my bacon
sandwich if I pull you up?"
I asked

"Yes! Yes! of course I will "
he said.

So I let him go. I'm not
having a fucking Muslim
steal my breakfast.


English language is
very difficult to learn
due to it's multitude of
idiosyncrasies.
In fact, it is so complex
experts reckon that
everyday, most users utter
a sentence which has
never before spoken.
I was so surprised by
this statement that you
could have fucked me
sideways with a peanut
butter, banana and white
chocolate spread toasted
sandwich!


A solicitor calls his
wealthy art collector client
and says, "Sir Ian, I have
some good news, and I
have some bad news."
The client replied, "I've had
an tough day. Give me
the good news first!" The
lawyer said, "Well, I met
with Lady Pamela today,
and she informed me that
she just invested $100,000
in some pictures that she
thinks will be worth
about $100 million, I've
looked at them and I think
she could be right." Sir Ian
replied enthusiastically,
"Wow, that's incredible, my
wife is a shrewd investor
and I never even knew it,.
you're just made my day!
Now I know I can handle
the bad news, what is
it?" The lawyer replied,
"The pictures are of you
and some rent boys in a
hotel."


Two guys in a health club,
one is putting on lace
knickers.
"Since when do you wear
women's pants?"
"Since my wife found
them in the glove
compartment!"


Do women scream at the
point of orgasm?
They usually do when I
reach mine.


I've just finished building of
Mount Everest.

My mate asked "Is it to
scale?"

"No"I replied, "It's to
look at."


People who are struggling
to put food on the table
should spare a thought
for me

I've had to chop up my
table to put wood on the
fire.


I prefer to think of porn
as a performance enhancing
drug for marriage.


What idiot thought of the
expression "depressed",
when people so often can't
. wait to feel pressed?


Met my alphabet teacher in
the corridor.
She held the door open
and said, "After you..."
I thought for a second
then replied, "V".

[Bikkie]

If you , like me , are interested in that "hallucinated" West Ham v Maccabi Tel Aviv game ,
West Ham won 548-547 on penalties.




Maria Corina Machado didn’t give Trump her Nobel for peace.
She gave it to him to stop the flat knock-knock jokes.

A real No-bell-end surprise.




As an American, I never imagined I'd be in a prison in Honduras.

But that's what happens when you book a flight on ICE Airlines.



Why did Machado give Trump her Nobel Peace Prize medal?

Because nothing screams "peace" like handing your hard-earned award
to the guy who once suggested invading Venezuela—now if he accidentally
starts a war over it, at least he'll have a shiny excuse to melt down into bullets. "See? It's for freedom... or whatever."







Andrew's life in exile in his 'poky' new home, no space for staff or a proper garage.

How will he cope without a scullery?



I shat myself last night. I was having a beer in an airport bar when a paki rushed in screaming "allah, allah, allah, allah, allah......., alava coke and bag of nuts please.

Stuttering Bastard!!!!

[Piper]

I asked a science teacher
how I could make Magnesium
Oxide and he replied, "You
really need a lab for that."

So I went straight to the
dog rehoming center and
picked one up, but he doesn't
know either?


I put this ad in a lonely
hearts column.

"I like to go for long walks
stopping regularly for nice
cool drinks. I enjoy good
food and at the end of a
day I would love to curl up
on the sofa with you and
stroke your hair"

I only got one reply

From a Golden Retriever.


My wife was in the garden
when her mobile rang, so I
picked it up.

"Oh, hello Dave!!" said her
friend. "Are you really so
insecure that you have to
check up on her?"

"No," I replied. "But every
year or so I like to check
that her Answer button is
working."


My mate is so thick...
He thought that legs
Akimbo was an Ethiopian
long distance runner.


Me and my girlfriend were
discussing the withdrawal
agreement today.

Apparently, if I promise
to put out, I'm definitely
allowed to come on her
tits.


Someone's knockin' at the
door
somebody's ringin' the bell
someone's knockin' at the
door
someone's ringin' the
bell
Jehovah's witness with
Parkinson's'.


The original King Kong
was 42 feet tall.
A normal gorilla has a
penis length of about 1.5
inches.
King Kong would therefore
have a penis about 10.5
inches long.
He fancied Fay Wray.
She started to fall for him.
She could have just about
accommodated him had
she given it some serious
thought .

Just saying!


I have good news and bad
news

The bad news is there's no
good news.

And the good news is that
the bad news is irrelevant


Definition of irony, doing
your speed awareness
course on Zoom

The no show.


My friend said to me, "My
wife makes Susan Boyle
look beautiful"

I said, "Thank god you said
that, I've been wanting
to say something for
years, you know she really
is ugly, what were you
thinking when you married
her?"

He replied angrily "No, you
fucking cunt, she's Susan's
new personal make-up
artist "


I had an examination
earlier. And the guy
stuck his finger right
up my arse to the hilt.
Then twirled it around
for a bit. I was telling the
wife I didn't think it was
normal. She said if I was
that concerned. I should
probably change dentist.


My regular prostitute had
a special offer: "Two For
The Price Of One "

Anyway, the other guy
seemed really nice..


I was a crack baby.

Unlike my brother, he was
a caesarian section.


I asked my wife if she
fancied a quickie.
She replied..."As opposed
to what?"


I just lost my job
as an ice-cream tester.

I couldn't do Sundaes...


My mother always said,
"Sometimes, son it is
better to just walk away
from things and go back
to them later when you're
in a better frame of mind."

Anyway, I just lost my job
as a surgeon.


My Mum straddled me
and shouted in my face,
"You're a fucking loser!"

Wasn't what I expected to
happen the second I lost
my virginity.


This impotence is all very
new to me. I'm a Johnny
cum-lately.


Men with neck tattoos
used to make people
nervous.
Now they make them
lattes


My first day as a home
help for the elderly could
have gone better.

"There you go Mrs Jones,
I've emptied out that big
ashtray you keep on the
mantelpiece for you."


The Gender Equality crap
has gone too far these
days

My gay son told me he
just got a new job at
this all male version of
Hooters called "Peckers."


I asked the librarian if
she had a book about the
proper way to insert a
penis into a Vagina.

"That's indecent" she said.

"Yeah that's the one" I
said.


How do you convince a
liberal that something is
there?
Put it beneath a headline.


I went to the doctor to
get a prescription for my
alcoholism.

"What's the cost of this
prescription?" I asked him.

"$1,000," he said.

I said, "Woah, and what
are the side effects?"

"Drowsiness, nausea,
headache.. " he said
"I'll decline," I said. "I
seems cheaper just to get drunk."


I walked in the bathroom
and caught my girlfriend
flicking the old bean, hand
in pants going 10 to the
dozen. Flustered, she
looked up smiling at me
and said "Would you like
to finish me off?"

I just hope that my
response will stand up in
court as an alibi.


Pessimist: This glass is
half empty.

Optimist: This glass is half
full.

Opportunist: Drinks
both glasses while
the other two cunts
are arguing about it.


What do you call
a Russian gender
reassignment surgeon?

Pulya Kickoff.


I used to be a
historian.

But that's all
behind me.

[Bikkie]

Two guys are leaving work when one says: "The first thing I'm going to do when I get home is rip my wife's panties off."

"You're that horny?"

"No, the elastic is killing me."




What does a narcissist says after receiving a blowjob?

I was great, wasn't I?



A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby. She was riding a little red pedal car with tiny ladders hanging off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a fireman’s helmet. The pedal car was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fireman walked over to take a closer look.

“That’s a nice fire engine,” he said admiringly.

“Thank you,” the girl replied.

The fireman looked a little closer and noticed that the girl had tied the pedal car to her dog’s collar—and to the cat’s testicles.

“Little girl,” the fireman said, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your apparatus, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”

The little girl thought for a moment, then replied:

“You’re probably right… but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”






My wife came out of the kitchen and said, "Do you want seconds?"

I said, "Seconds, I didn't want fucking firsts."



If your woman put on weight over the holidays, suggest some exercise.

Get her to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening.

By the end of January, the problem should be about 42 miles away.



Wife finds a pair of women's panties in the laundry that aren't hers.
She confronts husband: "Whose are these?!"
Husband: "They're yours. I bought them for you as a surprise."
Wife: "Really? Then why do they say 'Nigel's Bitch' on the waistband?"
Husband: "…Because Nigel helped pick them out. Team effort."




A hunter accidentally shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun.
A few hours later, while lying in a hospital bed, he’s approached by his doctor.
Doctor: “The good news is, you’re going to be okay.
The bad news is there’s some pretty significant buckshot damage to your penis, so I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”
Hunter: “Is she a plastic surgeon?”
Doctor: “No. She plays the flute… she’ll teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your face.”




What do you call a movie about vampires that has an entirely transgender cast?

The Lost Boys





If Donald Trump gets any more incoherent, the right wing Evangelicals will claim he is speaking in tongues.




Starmer’s chief secretary reveals plans to 'bust the sludge’ in Whitehall.

Fuck's sake Keir, see rent boys on your own time.



I've been sacked from my job as a fireman. Why? Because when I was putting out a fire at a corner shop, I gave the owner a much-needed wash.




I use AI for some of the most important things in my life, such as making videos of me fucking Megan Fox.




Donald Trump is obviously in the wrong house.

Because he definitely belongs in the nuthouse.

[Piper]

I'll tell you about the most
disgusting thing that ever
happened to me.

I was at a festival once,
beautiful hot day and I
was keen to get pissed
but I was skint. So I was
sneaking the odd drink
from people here and
there, when I spotted a
pint glass, almost full
with a golden yellow liquid.
I was excitedly assumed
it was someone's beer, so
I went for it.
Picked it up and it felt a bit
warm but I just thought It'd
been out in the sun. So I
nicked it.

Honestly, it was the most
vile thing I've ever tasted!
You've guessed what it
was already. .

Fosters


They say that women are
like buses.You wait ages
for one then three turn up
at once.

Well I don't know about
three turning up. But the
one I dated certainly
resembled the back end
of a bus.


What do blacks call their
sexual partners?

Prime mates.


I keep trying to persuade
my wife that it's the small
things in life that give the
most pleasure!

My excuse for having a
3 inch cock.


It just fucking amazes
me that there are men's
perfumes out there that
costs upwards of $100
a bottle.

But it's very easy for me to
say that when I'm having a
KFC meal and I'll soon be
having a date with a black
woman.


People say that pornography
creates unrealistic expectations
among young women.

Namely that they can earn more
money than men.


I went to give a sperm sample
the other day the nurse said
would I like to masturbate in
a cup, I said Thanks but I don't
think I'm ready for a competition
yet.


I entered a wanking
competition yesterday.

I didn't come anywhere.



I saw a midget climbing down
a prison wall..
I thought that's a little
condescending.


My voluntary work with the
Samaritans only lasted one
shift.
A caller said he was suicidal
and about to throw himself
under a train.

I thought I should get advice
from a supervisor and told
him to stay on the line.


The girls around town call
me 'The Terminator. '

I'm not muscular or tough
but I have an oozy
nine-millimetre.


My thoughts on women
are similar to my thoughts
on toilet paper.
The quality's irrelevant when
your just going to spaff in it.


A young girl in her underwear
is irresistible to me

I'm addicted to knicker teen.


Paddy's and Mary's marriage
was not doing well, eventually
Mary took herself off to consult
a therapist, Doctor O'Reilly.
The Doctor spent an hour patiently
asking all sorts of general questions
about their marriage and ticking
boxes on assessments.
He eventually started to probe
her on the intimate side of things.
"Tell me Mary, how often during
the average week do you have sex?"
"Well Doctor, it can vary but usually
two or three times a week."
"That's very good Mary.
When you're having sex how would
you describe Paddy's expression?"
"It's not nice Doctor, not nice at all
He looks terrible angry."
"Ah that's very interesting Mary.
Tell me when you're having sex
and Paddy has this expression
what position would he normally
be in?"
"Usually stood on top of the ladder
Doctor looking in through the
window..."


Snow White is such on unrealistic
character

In my experience, you can put a lot
more than your tongue in a woman's
mouth before she wakes up.


Snow White can only allow 6 of the
dwarfs into her home.
None of them are Happy.


I arranged to play tennis with an
Asian colleague at the weekend
and agreed to pick him up from
his house.

When I arrived the words
"Paki Bastards Out" were
scrawled in big letters across
the front of his house.

"Why didn't he just leave a note
pinned to the door?"
I thought as I drove away.


I was at the bar and I ordered
a pint of lager and a pepsi for
the wife and went to sit down.
She said, "Where's the straw?"
I went back over to the bar and
said, "have you got a straw for
the coke?"
Landlord replied, "just use a
rolled up fiver like everybody else."


My girlfriend's fit as a fiddle, albeit
one that's been passed around the
whole band.


Just had a message from a random
guy asking to meet in the woods to
compare dick sizes.

Fucking weirdo didn't even turn up.


Misunderstanding:

I staggered into the shop
unit I'd recently rented
clutching an old wooden
milk churn, tin miner's
helmet and an oil painting
of Exeter.
I shouted out to the missus,
"I'm just back from the auction,
can you come and give me a hand
to unload the van, I've got a ton of
stuff to bring in!"

There was no answer so I looked
through to the back room and saw
the walrus dangling in a sex swing,
she was wearing a leather basque
and stilettos whilst clutching a
cat o' nine-tails and an enormous dildo.
"What the hell do you think you're doing??!"
I squawked
"Getting ready?" she replied.
"What exactly are you getting fucking
ready for?"
I enquired
"When we open." She replied, "I've got
to look the part if we're going to be a
Den Of Iniquity!"
"You stupid cunt," I screamed.
"I said we were selling Devon Antiquities!"


I asked the missus if she fancied trying anal

She said fuck that shit

I said that's the spirit.


Did you hear about the
rabbi who had a side-gig
in circumcising black guys?

The pay was low but the
tips were huge.

[Bikkie]

Two look a like perverts are going around offering to clear driveways of snow.

Be on the look out for Jimmy Shovel and Gary Gritter.



Look outside, Britons.

That’s the colour teeth used to be, before tea won.



After a decent lottery win, I bought myself a Rolls Royce and hired my own private driver.

Now I've got a flash car, but all my money's gone and I've nothing to chauffer it.






Donald Trump's clash with NATO intensifies, as he makes claim that European troops avoided the frontlines in Afghanistan.

He added, 'No one knows more about avoiding frontlines than I do, believe me.'




A blue whale’s poo can weigh as much as 4 tonnes, making it the second largest piece of shit in the world…

…just behind Trump’s “framework deal” for Greenland — all hype, no actual ownership, and still smells like bullshit.




A mate got offered some baby oil the other day. Shit Diddy

[Piper]

How did you learn to
dance to Tragedy
5,6,7,8?

"I just followed the steps."



A sheep in a swimsuit
just drove past me.

It was a lamb bikini.



"2B, or not 2B. That
is this question."

-Shakespare, apartment
hunting...



I had driven my secretary
into the countryside miles
from anywhere, she had
unzipped me and was
just about to go down on
me
She looked at me,all flushed
and said in a husky voice,
"Would you like to make me
a drink?"

With unbelievable disappointment
I zipped up again, drove back to
the office and put the kettle on.



Next to me in the pub
there was a Londoner.
He had a strong cockney
accent

The guys date went to the
toilet and he pulled out a
crossword book

I was helping him with a
crossword.

"Six letter, contributes to
a result..." he said, "I want
to get this one before my
bird comes back."

I said, "Factor?"

He said, "Nah not yet bud
she's waiting till the third
date "



My wife was upset when
I told her I employed a
female secretary.

"Is she busty?" she raged.

"No honey, that's not why I
hired her." I assured.

"Does she have a big
butt?" she asked.

I laughed, "No, that is not
why I hired her "

Satisfied, she turned away.
I was hardly going to tell
her that secretary was the
one who gave the best
blowjob in her interview.



Writing verse, a first
attempt.

I dig, you dig,we dig
He digs,she digs,they dig
we all dig

Not quite Haiku
But very deep

Thanks to Tim Vine for the
inspiration.



Latter we'll be discussing
the new craze of taking
ecstasy then having sex
on your back -coming
up whilst cumming up is
coming up.



I don't like being
called a racist. I
prefer ethnic
critic...



You know you're getting
old when you injure
yourself while vacuum
cleaning of all things. I'll
man up and save you the
tears but one thing I will
say is that at no point did
it feel like a blowjob.



Kids are so occupied by
their phones these days, in
20 years time they will be
saying
"Fuck me, how long has
there been a house next
door?"



The other day I saw a
video of an owner letting
his dog lick the inside of
his dishwasher.

Lucky girl.



My mate asked me where
I buy my disposable
gloves. "I don't buy them,
I just try on the ones lyi
about the car parks till I
find a pair that fits." He
said.."Seriously mate,
that is so dangerous,
you're putting yourself and
others at risk." "Fuck sake"
I replied..."I'm not totally
stupid, I turn them inside
out first."



I saw a black man in my
local pharmacy today, he
said, "I've had a migraine
for hours and I keep
coughing."

The pharmacist said
"Have you taken
anything?"

"No, not yet I haven't" he
replied.

The pharmacist said "Well
I don't fucking believe you!
empty your pockets you
thieving black bastard!"



"We've been married a
long time now love, we've
had our ups and downs,
remember that time you
got pissed and shagged
my brother?"

"Yes," she replied, "I was
so ashamed and I'm glad
you forgave me and never
mentioned it again."

"Well, I never mentioned
it because I shagged his
sister to get my own back,"
I replied.



What do you call an old
black guy?
Antique farm equipment.



I can't believe how upset
my wife got when I told
her I am considering
starting to keep a bear as
a pet.

She said she wasn't
worried about her safety,
just "competition " at the
fridge.



I'm not happy with the
body I'm in so I'm finally
going to do something
about it.

I'm going to fuck her
sister instead.



Has anyone else been
ripped off on eBay?

I bought a deep fat
fryer the other day
( supposedly brand new )

It had a chip in it .



Hands, Face, Space.
I was just wondering
if you have to quarantine
on your return from space.



In America,dogs are K9
In Korea they are E10.

[Bikkie]

My Ducky Dennis
made a right show
of me the other night
and slapped me
black and blue.
We were at a Burns
evening party and he
caught me sucking
off a big hairy kilt
wearing scotsman.
"Ducky" I screeched.
"You kmow I have bad
eyesight, I thought I
was playing a set of
Bagpipes."

Oooooooh




There's a certain host of
Loose women
whom I would like to take
swimmin'
when she's all nice and
clean
I'll tickle her bean
and give her one hell of a
rimmin;

Happy Burns Night

( It's Burns Night Tonight )



It's Burns Night once again.

I shouldn't have had that Chicken Phaal last night.





"Dad," said my son, "Will
you let me invite my
girlfriend over tomorrow?"
"I'm not sure," I said, "Ask
your mother."
So he went up to his
mother, "Will dad let me
invite my girlfriend over
tomorrow?"

[Piper]

Why did the man fall down the well?
He couldn't see that well.


How does a penguin build it's house?
Igloos it together.


Dad can you explain what a solar eclipse is?
No sun


What do you call a hunter without a nose and a body?
Nobody nose


Where do you take someone who has been injured
in a peekaboo accident?
The ICU


What did the horse say after it tripped?
Help I've fallen and I can't giddy up.


My friend 'TONY' asked me not to say his
name backwards.
I said 'YNOT'


Someone told me to list two structures
that hold water
And I was like...Well, Dam.


What do Aliens like to eat?
Unidentified frying objects.


What do sprinters eat before they race?
Nothing they fast


What do does do at sleepovers!
They play truth or deer


What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.


Why does Snoop Dog always carry an umbrella?
Fo drizzle.


What happened to the Turkey that go into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him


What do you call a twitching cow?
Beef jerky.


Why do people who live in Greece hate
waking up at dawn
Because dawn's tough in Greece.


Why are spiders smart!
Because they can find everything
on the web


My boss said dress for the job
that you want, not the job you have
So I went in as Batman.


Did you hear about the Italian chef
that died?
He pasta away...


What's a ducks favourite ballet?
The NutQuacker.


What would bears be without bees?
Ears.

[Bikkie]

What is the difference between Prince Harry and Queen Camilla.

Everybody was disgusted when Harry did Charlie.



William Shakespeare was actually a black woman, claims feminist historian and LSE graduate.

Makes sense. Black African women were well known for their mastery of the English language in the 1500's.



I don't think any of us will have to put up with Donald Trump's bullshit for much longer.

Latest pics I've seen of him, he's looking yellower than his family's service record.



News: Trump confuses Greenland with Iceland multiple times during speech.

I hate it when he's fucking one country while saying the name of another.




I got a Facebook ban for posting '8647', supposedly a coded threat to eliminate the 47th President of the USA.

It wasn't a threat, I was just posting Trump's IQ score.



Trump's signature is identical to the results from his lie detector test.




Trump offering to mediate Ukraine feels appropriate.

He’s always been very good at dividing things up and calling the result a success.




News: Trump confuses Greenland with Iceland multiple times during speech.

I hate it when he's fucking one country while saying the name of another.




In cinemas this Friday:

Melania, a biopic of the First Lady.

This could be the worst Brett Ratner flick since, well, all the others.



Someone broke into my car last night. They didn't steal or break anything, but left 4 tickets to the "Melania" movie. I didn't know that such horrible monsters existed.



If you're a criminal on the run from the law and need somewhere quiet to lay low for a while, the Melania Trump biopic comes out in cinemas this Friday.



It's so cold in America just now , even cryogenically preserved zombies are on the move




People are still shocked that two inches of snow could cause America to shut down.

But as I always tell the ladies -- sometimes two inches is all you need...



I feel as though me, the Beckhams and the Peltz’s move in different circles, if they think Brooklyn’s mum dancing weird ruined the wedding.

I’ve been to a wedding where the bride’s mother got her tits out and punched the cake.



As Katie Price weds for the fourth time, to a man she met online only days ago, it is revealed her new mother-in-law is a clairvoyant.

I don't reckon you need a fucking crystal ball to see how this ends.



Pakistani man lies on his death bed.

"Sanjita, my wife are you here?"
"Yes my husband" she replies.

"My son, my daughter are you here?"
"Yes Papa" they reply.

"Then who's minding the fucking shop?"




At the risk of offending a few cunts, I'm glad Captain Cook landed in Australia 250 years ago because I fucking love living here.



"Fuck… just walked past two deaf lesbians going at it in broad daylight—hands stuffed so far down each other’s knickers they were practically wrist-deep.

Mate… do you reckon they were just lip-reading, or were they actually finger-spelling each other’s orgasms?"




What starts with N, ends in R and is something you never wanna call a black person?



NEIGHBOUR



A black guy took a shine to my shoes today.

So he stole them.



I used to hate weddings. All the old dears would poke me and say "You're next".

Well they soon stopped that shit when I started saying it to them at funerals.




Why did the woman cross the road?

Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?




100 years ago today:

On January 26, 1926, John Logie Baird conducted the first public demonstration of television in London, marking a significant milestone in communication technology.

What a monumental day in human cultural development that was.

Anyways, I'm off to watch Love Island.

[Piper]

"Anything these days," I
told my son.

He frowned a little

"What's that?" he asked

"Anything these days," I
said

"Huh?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I
said.

"I don't understand.
Explain?" he asked

"Anything these days" I
said

He sighed loudly.

"Are you crazy, dad?" he
asked

"Anything these days," I

said

"Dad snap out of it.
"What's going on?" he
asked

"Anything these days," I
said

"Dad! Dad! come on. Tell
me what you mean?" he
asked

There was a pause

"Anything these days," I
continued.

At this point he was
enraged and yelled, "For
fucks sake, I've had enough
of this nonsense.
What on Earth are you
doing? Have you lost
your mind? Jees.
You're driving me insane."

There was silence

"This is the world we live
in." I concluded. "You
can't say anything these
days without offending
someone."


My wife phoned me.

"There are two men
standing outside," she
whispered in a panic. "I
think they are going to
break in to our house."

I said, "If they force their
way in, don't let them have
anything good OK?"

"Ok, ok. I'll try my best!"
she cried.

I said "No television.
No Xbox, none of my
expensive shirts, OK?"

"Ok, ok!" she shouted.
"But-my goodness, honey,
what if they ask me for
sex?"

I replied, "That'll be fine. I
said anything good.


My wife said, "Take me
upstairs and make love to
me."
I replied, "I can manage
the stairs OR make love to
you. I can't manage both."


I went into a pub with my
miserable wife, ( this was
in the olden days when
you could do such a thing )
and said to the barman,

"A pint of butter and
something suitable for the
missus please."

"Ok," he replied the barman,
"two pints of butter it is
then."

BBC News Article: "I got a
job after 280 rejections"
Sounds a lot like my
marriage.


The kid of mine tore the
shop down in a spiteful
tantrum and made me
look a right twat just
because I couldn't find a
Coke bottle with his name
on it

Anyway, he settled down
a bit when I promised him
his face would be on every
milk carton in the country
soon.


Bangcock. Aptly named
after the reason people go
there.
And following that logic
the capital of Switzerland
should be Wingtax:
the capital of the UK
Grabdole and the capital of
Little St. James Bangkid.


I am smoking too much
I am going through two
lighters a day.


I thought my daughter
overdid it with her outfit
the day she started her
first professional job as a
Labour party operative.

She said, "Dad, modern
women aren't supposed to
dress for the job we have,
but the job we want!"

"You want to be a
whore?"


I scored a DJ job at the
AGM of the national
Dyslexia Association. The
party and dancing was
going well, but went ape
shit when I started playing
YMCA!!


I used to teach history, but
that's all in the past.

I started teaching biology
but my heart wasn't in it

I tried teaching chemistry,
but there were elements I
didn't understand.

I was offered a job
teaching maths, but
something didn't add up.

I was sent to Germany to
do food science that was
the wurst.

I've started teaching
physics, it got potential.


Just watched Close
Encounters Of The Third
Kind
Richard Dreyfuss ended
up abandoning his wife
and 4 kids, and flying off
with the aliens.
Many men have that
fantasy.


Take my advice and never
hire a Chinese prostitute.
Total waste of money.

Half an hour after you've
had one, you'll fancy
another.


"My Mum's sent us
some money for our
Anniversary."

"Spend it on yourself, love.

Treat yourself to a spa,
new make up, perfume.
Get your hair done and
teeth whitened if you
want."

"But it's supposed to be
for both of us "

"Trust me, it will be."


As I settled down on my
friends sofa for the night,
he said:

"So your missus kicked
you out 'cos you got
pissed on a fishing trip
and stuck your cock in a
net?"

"No mate, Annette."



What's the difference
between the National
Party and a pre-owned
condom?

They're both useless,
but at least the condom
is transparent.

And more charismatic.


My wife said, "For $20,000
would you sleep with my
best friend?"
I said, "Of course. But
where am I going to get
$20,000?"


My pregnant wife has
hinted she wants to name
our unborn son after a
screwdriver.

I'm pretty sure that
Flathead will get bullied in
school though.


I went speed dating earlier,
I asked the first woman:

"What three things do you
look for in a man?"

She said, "a sense of
humour, a big dick, and.
money-but I'd happy with
just one of them "

Tucking my chair in I said
"I'm so sorry for wasting
your time."

Jason got down on
one knee in front of his
girlfriend and started his
proposal' "Olivia, I love
you more than life itself.
I'm not as handsome as
my brother Jeff, I'm not
as clever as my brother
Nathan, I'm not as well
hung as my brother Dirk,
I'm not as athletic as
my brother Alan, I'm not
as rich as my brother
Travis...."
Olivia interrupted, "Oh
Jase, you know I really
love you too Hun, what
was that you were saying
about Travis?"


"Your hands are cold "
snapped my wife as I
climbed into bed and
groped her

"You know what they,"
I replied. "Cold hands,
warm heart..."

"In your case, pisshead,"
she sneered. "It's cold
hands, cold beer."


I said to my friend
earlier, "I'm staying in and
watching that 'Lock Stock
and Two Smoking Barrels
tonight "

"What," he said, "with
Jason Statham and Vinnie
James?"

"No mate," I said, "Just by
myself."


I saw a sign today that
made me piss myself.

It said, "TOILETS CLOSED "


I nominated my wife for
a CBE but I got a very
snotty letter back telling
me that 'Cunt of The
British Empire ' was not a
recognised honour.


I enrolled my gay son
in a boxing lesson to try
and toughen the little
faggot up, but he was not
enthused.

He said, "Dad, this is not
what I meant when I said
I wanted to be 'battered
around the ring!


Yesterday I bought 3
ounces of weed off my
local dealer and it cost
me £300.

Unfortunately the police
raided my house and
seized the lot.
Later I was charged with
possession of cannabis
with an estimated street
value of over £2,000.
When they asked if I
wanted to make a phone
call I said I'd like to
ring my drug dealer to
congratulate him on his
superb bargain prices.


Most of us know the late
Michael Hutchence as the
bloke-who was in INXS.

Where as to Bob Geldof
he's the bloke who was IN
HIS EX


I asked my French
girlfriend if she thought
watersports in the
bedroom was disgusting.
She said,"wee", So I did! All
over her face!

[Piper]

When I was a young boy
my father told me
white girls dated black
men because they have
big cocks!

Now I'm older I know
the truth, Easy access to
drugs!!!


I got stung in one those
scams where you pay a
sum into a scheme every
month, but then at the
end you find out there's
nothing left in the pot for
you.

National Insurance.


When the ex used to call
me Blackadder, I thought it
was because I was always
the wittiest and smartest
one in the room

Turns out it's because I
always Missed her bean.


My Asian mate just
packed his job in as a
gardener at the local
recreation ground
because everyone kept
calling him an offensive
name.

I said no they were calling
you parky you thick cunt.


I got my obese fat wife a
big black vibrating dildo

She just flared at me and
said, "Is this a windup?"

"No, if you look I think it's
battery powered."


My wife's fanny smells of
roses
But roses fanny is tighter...!


When I took up selling
crystal meth my neighbour
Abdul cooked in his
home to survive during
the lockdown, I told him I
was surprised he carried
on doing such a flagrant
drug dealing business.

"What do you mean , if
they didn't want us doing
this..then why would our
homes come installed
with a tub for only such a
thing?"


My wife often tells me
that I'm a sex God

Specifically, one of those
little cherubs with a baby-
carrot type micropenis.


I like my women how like
my advert calendar.
Against my wall, flaps
open ready to be eaten.


It's a right laugh being a
priest, every time I greet
people at a funeral I say
"morning!"
Then say "Oh, sorry yes
you are."


My friend works in I.T.
I asked him how do you
make a motherboard?
He said, I tell her about
my job.


Just saw a black guy
cycling off up the road on
a bike!
I thought it was mine but I
realised he was in the field
picking cotton.


The local stationary shop has
moved.
How ironic.


Earlier at the gym an Indian
bloke was getting ready to do
his set.

He asked, "Can you spot me ?"

I pointed to his forehead and
explained someone has already
drawn it on for him


My ex Ducky Denzel has just
got a coaching position with
Brighton Cougars basketball
team.
I miss the days when he used
to slam his balls against my
hoop

Oooooooooh


I asked the wife why she married
me?
She said it's because I'm funny.
I thought it was because
I'm good in bed? She said
"See! You ARE hilarious!"

I woke the missus up in the
middle of the night and told
her I was stressed and that
only a blowjob would help.

She said, "Where are you going
to find a cock at three o'clock
in the morning?"


Before I became a stunt man,
I trained to make mattresses.

Just incase I needed something
to fall back on.


"My shout boys, what are you
having?
"Fuck, it's after ten, sorry boys!

Jews in pubs


As I screwed my girlfriend in
the arse she shouted out
"What the hell are you doing!"

I replied, "You told me you
wanted your ring stretched."

She replied, "I meant my
engagement ring."


Last night.y wife suddenly
got hungry so she ordered
three extra -bacon-bacon
pizzas.

The delivery boy showed
up and he was a black kid,
and my wife took a look
at him when she opened
the door said, "Come on in
big boy, you can pound my
snatch like a screen door
in a gale!"

He just groaned and said,
"Ma'am, like we always tell
you, you have to actually
pay for your pizzas."


I just applied for a part
time job a Madame
Tussauds, tallying up
all the original face
moulds.

I was told just before
the interview that first
impressions count.


"I'm keen on the car you've
advertised and noticed
you're interested in a swap.
What would you like to swap
it for?"

"Cash"


I knocked on the door to
attend a heating breakdown
and a barely dressed blonde
answered the door, massive
tits dropping out of her
unfastened negligee and
the shaped of her neatly
trimmed bush gaping for
me to see.

"Is your husband in miss?"
I asked.

"What do you think? Will I
not do?" She asked

Err, no, not really I need
the car reversing out of
your driveway so I can
get my van in." I replied.


I had no excuse for not
getting my wife's name
tattooed down my two
inch cock like she
wanted.

Unfortunately, her fucking
name is Jo.


The IRA and the KKK had
a lot in common.
They both hated the Black
and Tans


What kind of girls are you
into?, I asked Sherlock
Holmes.
"Elementary," he replied.


Do women scream at the
point of orgasm?

They usually do When I
reach mine


"I finally got my tablet to
connect to the cloud."

-Moses 1241 BCE.


Why do women have
orgasms?
It's just another excuse
for them to have a moan.


Mutes are practically
unheard of.

[Bikkie]

Sir Keir Starmer will tour and meet China's leader Xi Jinping.

Later he will be congratulated by the Chinese ambassador, Hoo Cares...




I’ve heard Rio de Janeiro is home to 14 million brazilian people, ffs . how many is that?



Former Spandau Ballet singer Ross Davidson found guilty of rape and sexual assault.

The jury considered the victims' testimonies and know that much is True.




King Charles buys a Chinese electric car.

He said it was silent and deadly.

Or that's what the car recorded and placed on TikTok.




Fuck the Visa-free 30 day visit to China.
I want a Guarantee I can leave !



When the surgeon told me I needed a new kidney, I turned to my wife and asked her to check with the spares department.

"I wish you wouldn't call the kids that," she sighed.

[Bikkie]

I can’t believe they released the Epstein files to distract from the horrible "Melania" movie.



It takes balls to be a trans woman.




My parents disinherited me.

Sounds much better than they were on benefits.



Ad on Craigslist offers free tickets to Melania film, plus 50 dollars for staying for the whole movie.

That ought to get a few bums on seats.



The USS Abraham Lincoln Carrier Group has arrived in the Middle East. Trump has stated that if Iran doesn't make a deal, he'll order the Carrier group to power up its giant laser and project the movie, "Melania," all over Tehran until they eventually surrender.



New photos from the Epstein files show Prince Andrew on "all fours"

Guess that confirms his favourite age then