What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

"Prince Harry paranoid he will be DEPORTED"

Not half as paranoid as his brother.




Donald Trump is now saying he’s ready to run a "different kind of presidency" right,

He’s prepared to make the big transition from,

Trainwreck to Shitshow...



Iran's currency falls to an all-time low after Trump’s win.
They are in Rial trouble.



Anyone else think it's ironic that Trump got voted in because of democracy?




First Hillary, now Kamala.

What were the Democrats thinking?

Trump has a proven track record of beating women.



Commentator last week:

'Will abortion determine the result of the Presidential Election?'

In a way it did, they voted for a walking abortion.




After a hard fought but ultimately unsuccesful election campaign by the Democrats, Joe Biden has expressed his condolences to Hillary Clinton for her loss.




We are unburdened by what will never be.



I haven't seen a man beat a woman this bad since the Olympics



That's the most impressive comeback since the inaugural launch of the boomerang



For all the Trump haters out there, why don't you go and cry four more tears?



Trump 2: The Follow Through



In the wake of the American election, my wife wasn't pleased with the result. She suggested we watch a movie together. I've made the perfect choice:

Scream 2.




Typical Americans, always having to go one better!

In Britain, on November 5th we burn down effigies of Guy Fawkes.

In America, they've just burned down 250 years of democracy.



A few days ago, Biden called Trump supporters and Trump "garbage."

Now, Trump is the one that's taking out the trash !!




Thank god.

Last thing we needed was a president who would use the nuclear launch codes for 5 days every month



I got roped into watching the Melbourne Cup and I still can't tell whether this is a rally for Harris or Trump.



Trump spent his last speech meandering, a pattern he has taken to calling the weave.
“I may be the greatest weaver of all time, but what happens only brilliant people can do that,” he said.
Is he talking about his hair?




"Donald Trump has a cult following".
They were SO close with the spelling..





I met a girl last night called Maria Heinz

She was a bit on the saucy side.



I'm sick of fireworks. It's like porn! The same shit I've seen a thousand times before.

and it always involves my family.




What's a Hindu?

Crosses the road mostly, but there's some debate as to why.



I've noticed that people who wear jogging bottoms are usually the least likely to actually jog...



When Chris Martin fell through that trapdoor he made a yelp like a little girl.

But that's just how he always sings.




Chris Martin is okay!
It's just a stage he's going through.




Chris Martin fell through trapdoor in Melbourne stage.

He was singing ‘Yell Ow!’.





My girlfriend asked me if I thought female comedians were funny.

I said "Are you kidding? Women are hysterical!"




All these years later, my grandfather still suffers badly from Shell shock.

He never got over it hitting a pound a gallon.



A guy walks into a bar and sits beside another guy and immediately notices he has a giant cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow! That's a huge lighter! Where'd you get it?" The other guy replies, "A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."

"Cool! Can I try it?"

"Sure."

The first guy rubs the bottle and a genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie.

The guy replies excitedly, "I want a million bucks!"

"Your wish is granted." And the genie disappears.

A few minutes pass and then suddenly the bar door swings open and in pour ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks fall over each other and fill up the bar.

"I can't believe this!" says the guy who just made his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy responds, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"



What do dogs tell their owners to take them for in Wisconsin?


Milwaukees



I don't understand all this LGTBQ stuff, can someone give me a straight answer?





A coworker told me this joke recently when I told him to "tell me a joke"

What happens when you drink food colouring?

You dye a little on the inside

[Piper]

"Reclaim an anacroym from the lefties,
LGBTQ
Really stands for"Let's get back Trump
quickly."


*Prince William has vowed to Be Royal with
a small 'r" Typical Windsor.
History uncle likes to be 'Royal with small
'r' (ses)' too "

[Piper]

"Holding a climate change COP26 in
oil-producing Azerbaijan is like holding
a stop crime convention in Liverpool."

[Bikkie]

The sale's are on?

And there's me thinking black Friday was the nigger out of Robinson Crusoe



The difference between booze and weed?

Five drunk people will start a fight.

Five stoned people will start a band.



Ringo Starr couldn't play the drums or sing.

Listen to him narrating Thomas The Tank Engine, he even talks out of tune.




What do you call it when two Zimbabwean lesbians have sex?

The Rhodesian bush war




How does a plumber pay for his bus fare?

Tap on

Tap off




Economists are speculating whether Donald Trump will follow through with his plans.

Perhaps those adult baby nappies will be necessary after all.




I couldn't believe the stupid dispute I got into with this salesgirl working in this store's lingerie department

I pointed out, "There's no fucking sign here saying 'You sniff it, you buy it !'."



My wife was still sobbing over the Trump election and moaned, "How can so many people choose Darkness over Light !?"

"Actually, they correctly chose Lightness over Dark."



I've never understood why a woman being able to knot a cherry stem with her tongue is supposed to be a turn on. I mean, if I'm sticking my cock in her mouth I want her to suck it, not tie the shaft into a bow.

It would be a bigger turn on if she just flirtatiously showed me how she could suck the whole cherry up through a drinking straw !



I went to this S&M brothel and the mistress said,

"I hope you're used to pain. "

"Of course I am, "I replied, "I'm married. "



" Have it YOUR way! " , I said enthusiastically over the counter to the teenage girl I was serving during my first morning working at Burger King


I was then fired on the spot, my exposed genitals were covered up, and I was bundled into the back of a police van



Just been to a pub called the goalkeepers arms.

What a fucking dive.



Some days, I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots. Other days, I realise it's not just some days...




Facebook should show mutual blocks instead of mutual friends. Nothing brings people together like how much you hate some of those cunts.



I've just done the most painful, constipated shit ever and my apple watch asked me if I want to record this workout.



Why do Crypto currency owners have conferences?.

I remember when the pound coin replaced the pound note. We didn't feel the need for a get together.



I've just watched an epic porn film starring the invisible man.

That plot twist at the end? I really didn't see it coming.



Mattel Toys say that they have mistakenly printed a porn site URL on the packaging for dolls of characters from the Wicked movie.

Let's hope they don't make a similar error with Hot Weals.



I've decided to identify as a Kamala Harris voter


My pronouns are Skinny / Latte



Son:
Dad, what does gay mean?
Dad:
It means happy son.
Son:
Are you gay daddy?
Dad:
No son, I married your mum.



I got home from work and my wife was sat in front of the fire with her legs wide open.
"What on Earth are you doing?" I said,
"Warming tea up, " she replied.
"Fuck me," I answered, "how many's coming?"




Coldplay frontman Chris Martin has saved a young boy from being crushed at the band's recent Sydney concert.

Poor bugger was trying to escape.


I just tried to get onto the dark web.

It directed me to the black website.

It didn't work.



Went to the Innuendo Appreciation Society's annual dinner last night.

After some Pulled Pork and Jerk Sauce we had some nice Juicy Melons.




It's not generally known that Gladys Knight suffered from OCD.

Every hour on the hour, she'd check her watch accuracy against the radio.




I'm reading a book called, 'Fear of Sunlight'.

By Gladys Knight.



My dyslexic mate reckons Queen Camilla is being threatened by a bishop or a knight.
After hearing she has a chess problem.




Anyone who thinks TV channels aren't racist against whites should ask MTV why it's mainly blacks on Catfish.



You know you're a thick fuck when the other contestants on The Chase tell you to go for the biggest amount.



Someone found a plastic disc with a hole in the middle…Police think it could be a record.



I love the way my nine year old son is preparing for adulthood and it's pitfalls. He spent all his money on a dolls house and gave it his little girlfriend next door saying,


"Here you might as well have a house now instead of taking one off me in twenty years. "



Relatively speaking, my uncle is my mother's brother.



The FBI interviewed Mike Score of the band A Flock Of Seagulls for intel on the next plot to assassinate Donald Trump.
When asked where it may come from he replied "Iran, Iran so far away"



My dyslexic pal says he'll never get over the demise of Jean Charles de Menezes


" I used to love popping in there for some fags or a tin of sweets before getting on the train ", he added


(Nobody under 40 will get this)




They say that every body piercing has a story behind it.

My story is: I'm clumsy with sharp objects.




We don't use the N word in the public sector.

We say Community Project.




Paddy runs in to a chemists...."A packet of Pyrex please"
"Don't you mean Durex"?
"No, Pyrex...I've got a date with a hot dish"!



I hate this cold.

I've gone through more tissues than Katie Price at a glory hole convention.



Watched "the day of the jackal" on sky,all that skill,weaponry and imagination and he chose not to execute any of the hundreds of niggers that are in the fuckin thing!



Pub called The Midget changes name after lecturer says it is offensive. The Oxfordshire establishment opened in 1974 and was named after MG’s famous car. The lecturer has made a career out her dwarfism (book and similar protests).

I thank the Telegraph for bringing this to our attention and share a couple of the readers' comments in the hope that they will strike a chord here:

I doubt her book is a best seller. Probably a small print run.

If it had been MGBGT the alphabet mob would have been apoplectic.

She must have spent years looking for something on which to grind her axe.

Apparently they serve short measures.

How small minded.

I feel like there’s a joke here… but it’d probably just go over her head.

Apparently 6 out of seven dwarfs are never Happy.

She’s Welsh, based in Liverpool and a dwarf. Life hasn’t been kind to her.

Over to you...



Arabs. Even the way they read is backwards.



Fairy tales for the modern age.

Black snow and the seven paralympians
Jill Bean and the stalker.
Gaydilocks and the 3 buff lumberjacks.
Rape-unzel (An Eastern European girl is trafficked and kept as a sex slave in a London tower block)
Ali Baba and the 40,000 innocent asylum seekers.
Lesborella (Dominated by her ugly straight white step brothers) Lesborella meets a beautiful Princess at a club but has to leave to catch the 10pm train.
The princess tracks her down with the aid of the glass Dr Martin Boot she left behind at the club.
They marry, adopt several kids and get divorced 2 years later.



Well, at least we know how Nellie the Elephant voted.

Trump, Trump, Trump.




I've got Paul Simon to invest in my street food truck outside a Saudi Arabian football stadium. I'm calling the business, 'You Can Call Me Al-Halal'.




Donald Trump: Now the proud owner of the worlds most expensive 'Get Out Of Jail Free' card.

[Piper]

"The world's oldest man has died.
That is false.Keith Richards is still alive.


Back when I used to coach,I encouraged
my clients by shouting at them the Rocky
quote -"Be More Man than him!!"
Most of the ladies with an MMA match
against some huge tranny, and stormed
out of the Octagon."


PETA has demanded that The Sly Old Fox Pub
in Birmingham changes it's name,as it's
'demeaning' to foxes
Yeah,if one of them walked by and read the sign
I'm sure they'd be inconsolable..


"Trump plans to kick transgender troops out
of the military, with 15,000 service members
to be 'medically discharged ' on his first
day in office.
Klinger finally gets to come home "


Rod Stewart is the first act confirmed for
Glastonbury 2025
Wheelchair access is provided.

[Piper]

"Black Friday must have been a bitch
in slave days."


"The pied piper of Hamelin, Black Friday
special...two for the price of none "


"It's Black Friday, and at my local shop people
are lining up around the block for a bargain.
Then this posh twat in a suit comes to the
front and is told to get to the back, before
he could answer he gets beaten up by a few
people in line.
He gets up and tries to get to the front again
and is knocked down.He takes a few more
kicks and punches,then he shouts,"If you don't
fucking stop then I'm not opening the shop."


"It's Black Friday, and the Lego store
is having a sale,
People are lined up for blocks." :)

[Piper]

The new Conservative party advent calendar
this year can only be sold to over 18's.
That's because there are pictures of cunts,
dicks and tits behind each door.


My grandson wants a train set for
Christmas but I can't get one anywhere.
I hope he won't mind if I get him a
replacement bus service.


Emir of Qatar BANNED from UK GAY
Club for fighting.
So the king is a Queen.

[Bikkie]

Trump announces plan to annex Canada and rename it Gay North Dakota




I've started a thing with Oral B.

She's Mel's sister.



It's not a hate speech if you enjoy it.



I'm glad I'm not dyslexic. I wouldn't want a "male order bride" from Thailand.



When I was a nipper, having a 'dry night' meant I didn't wet the bed.

As an adult, having a 'dry night' means I didn't get plastered.

And wet the bed.



The BBC currently has presenters of Bargain Hunt, Masterchef and The Repair Shop suspected of offences against adult females.

It's the only organisation in the world that could consider that an improvement.




I used to think that Ravens had six pinion feathers and Crows had five, then someone told me it was the other way round and Crows had six pinion feathers and Ravens five.
Either way, it's a matter of a pinion.



Just bought holiday insurance for my camping trip I've just read the small print and if my tent blows away I'm not covered



I want to live in a world where rainbows remind me of a beautiful display of nature and not 2 dudes in the same bed.



British champion diver Tom Daley isn't gay but he does want to be a woman.

That's why he stands in front of the mirror in the 'tuck' position.




My grandson wants a train set for Christmas but I can't get one anywhere.

I hope he won't mind if I get him a replacement bus service.



TOP TIP: Middle-aged men.

Console your wife and restore pride in your marriage by telling her that thanks to your chronic premature ejaculation, you'll never again lose a game of soggy biscuit.



The wife's annoyed with me.

I asked her if she wanted a picnic.

Silly cow got all dressed up for a chocolate bar.




For a change, I had Ham and Tomato and my wife had Cheese and Pickle.

We thought we'd experiment with Roll reversal.



I took my daughter to a panto put on by my employers, Proctor and Gamble.

My daughter said "That woman with the wand with a star on top. I don't think she's a real woman".

"That's right" I said. "The fairy is non-biological".



This really fit single blond with big boobs lives right across the street to me and I can see her place from my patio.
Anyway, I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I rushed to open it, she looked straight at me and said...
"I just got home, and...
I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and make love!
Are you doing anything tonight?"...
I quickly replied... "Nope, I'm free!"
She said, "Great!...
Could you watch my dog?




I ran into someone I hadn't seen for a long time and I asked him how his son Tom was doing.

"He's now a broad !"

"Heh, he had a sex-change done then..... I always knew that kid was a little fairy..."

"No, I mean he's just doing a term in Barcelona."



If you finish with your girl on top riding you, does that count as her being a babysitter?

And when she gets up to get off of you, does that count as dropping the kids off to dad?




As a married man, I can honestly say that my wife and I have always shared the same goal

To make her happy




My wife convinced me to marry her by singing “Single Ladies” by Beyonce. She would walk around the house naked, singing, “If you like it then you should’ve put a ring on it.”

I’ll be singing the same thing when I divorce her.

She won’t do anal.



Waiter is taking an order in a restaurant. He asks the customer "Do you have any nut allergies?". Customer says "Cashew". He says "Fucking hell that's a bad'un!".




What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron




All the fat, feminazi girls and women that are salty about Trump's crushing victory are turning up with freshly shaved heads at the family Thanksgiving dinner, in signs of protest !

And here's Trump already delivering on his promises, making sure Amercian families now have more than one turkey at the table




"I don't want to die a virgin," I told the genie.

"You're now immortal," he replied.



My wife came down as we were ready to go out, she was dressed in a see through dress which clearly showed her large firm breasts and erect nipples, the outline of her beautiful shaven vagina was visible as well.

"Wow, " I said, "sometimes I need reminding of why I married you," I said.

"Because of my beautiful body?" she replied,

"No," I answered, "because you're such a fucking slut. "



t
Idiots often ask 'If we came from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?' when the answer is very simple

People who live in Bradford originate from where the sun is very hot, so they have to be like a non-stick pan

[Piper]

My wife hinted she's "hoping to get a
ring" this year at Christmas.
Sorted... I'm drinking my beer on the
coffee table with no coaster.


"If Merry Christmas offends you...
Then Merry Fucking Christmas!"


A reminder from my Chinese friends:
A puppy isn't just for Christmas -you can
have the leftovers on Boxing Day.


Does anyone know if Mrs Brown's Boys
Christmas special is a repeat this year,or
have I got to smash another fucking
telly?





Santa simply cannot be black
A black Santa would be seen LEAVING the
property with a sack of presents


I just found my Christmas spirit
It was on the shelf at Liquor Land
all the time.


No matter what I do with our kids,the wife
is always finding fault with me.I bought
our two year-old daughter her first jigsaw
for Christmas but, typically,the wife went
fucking mental.
Some bollocks about...."too young for power
tools."


I got pulled over while driving home for
Christmas.
My Rea light was defective.




According to a new poll, most British
people think that Santa clause is a Labour
man.

Which is odd, because when you think,

"fat old white man who hires unskilled
Labour," you think conservative.


All the major betting companies are
changing the definition of a white Christmas.
You will now only win the bet if a white face
appears on the BBC over the Christmas
period.

My kids have been in my ear about going
to a Pantomime this Christmas,so I found
tickets for the best one in town.
Tottenham V Wolves on December 29th .


Jay-Z has decided to change his
name in tribute to his black
heritage.
From now on he will be known as
Lay-Z


Prince Andrew invited an alleged
Chinese spy to Buckingham
Palace.
He was bribed with Sum Yung Ho.


Prince Andrew invited Chinese spy to
Palace
Those corgis better watch out.


Andrew could starve this Christmas, He's
been disinvited from Sandringham;
And the government's banned him from
Chinese takeaways!


I empathise with Prince Andrew's
situation, it's not pleasant.
No fucker wanted to be anywhere
near me the last time I had a dodgy
Chinese either.


Stella Creasy: 'JK Rowling is wrong -a
woman can have a penis""
I half agree.A woman can certainly be a
prick"


Scientists are saying that pig hearts may
soon be transplanted into humans.
Which is good news for everyone except
Jewish and Muslim people....


I wonder if it was a total mistake when
JAY Z and BEYONCE first got together all
because the personal assistant to Jay z got
it wrong at the time when Jay z said he wants
to fuck destiny's child!

[Piper]

Don't panic guys,keep your peckers up,it
will soon be over, the season of good
will to all men ( no mention of women? )
will only last another 3 days

[Piper]

"What's is a New Year's resolution?
Something that goes in one year and out
the other."

[Piper]

Next time you get,'Liverpool have won
the league more times than anybody else,'
remind them Rangers 55 times or Celtic 54.


Mark Williams: Former World Champion
requires oxygen during match
I can't speak for him or anyone else, but I
need it all the time.

[Piper]

A study just came out that shows
decreasing the amount of sugar in obse
children's diet improves their health within
10 day.
The study was conducted by a bunch of
jerks trying to ruin Easter...


Are you having a bad day?
Just remember, some idiot out there is
pulling a door that says push.


Graham Norton will soon embark on his
first ever live tour of Australia.
I bet he starts off in Sidney.


Duke and Duchess of Sussex hug survivors
of Los Angeles wildfires -as if they
hadn't suffered enough already!


A movie is being made featuring a black
Superman.He's the man of steal.


With the new secret service coming in for the new president
they won't be saying "get down", they will be saying
"Donald Duck!"


Scots mental health nurse sparked mass brawl
in Glasgow nightclub and struck a man with
a shoe
Yeah, that health nurse does sound kind of
mental.


Gordon Ramsey deeply apologise to everyone
he ever called a donkey.
After months of self reflection, he came to the
realisation that it wasn't fair on the donkeys.


Easter is still months away yet but today I
saw big chocolate eggs in the supermarket.
Then the black teen spotted me staring
down her top

[Piper]

Raise your hand if you watched Elon
Musk's speech last night?

[Piper]

Elon Musk gives Nazi salute
"It was toe-curling embarrassing for us all,"
said several Nazis.


Elon Musk has come out in defence of his
photo

"I was NOT giving a Nazi salute," He said in a
statement.
I first touched my heart, then threw
out love to the people there.
I threw out love to the people of the United
States.
I threw out love to Joe Biden and the
previous administration.
And finally I threw out to love to Donald Trump,
on his inauguration as our Fuhrer!"


Elon Musk's new car named the
"Swasti Car."


Am I the only one who can't read the name
Alex Rudakubana without hearing Barry
Nanilow singing it?


Hardcore vegans think all zoos should be
closed and the animals returned to their
natural habitat
But then where would all the divorced dads
take their kids on the weekend?
Besides McDonald's that is.


Today I saw a granny wearing a T-shirt that
said Superdry.
I thought yeah I bet it is .

[Piper]

Ange Postecoglu gets involved in a fight
while leaving Harrods.

When the lift operator asked,

"Going down?"


The Rolling stones were gearing up to hit
the road on a mammoth tour this summer.
However, Mick Jagger and Keith Richards
pulled the plug after promoters were unable
to secure wheelchair access.


Stars who can't stand Meghan Markle
Wouldn't it be easier to list the people
who like her? It would be a very short
List.


Prince Harry will be livid, his niece Beatrice
has just given
birth to a baby blacker than the one
he has.


It blows my mind that NASA is able
to receive data from 4.67 billion
miles away
but I lose my WiFi signal in my
kitchen.

[Piper]

Beyonce, sporting straight blonde hair has
won a Grammy for her country album
in the category 'its Not Cultural Appropriation
When We Do it '


I read in the news today that Scotland are
looking to ban cats
Fair play if you ask me, it's a shit musical
and that Lloyd Webber is a cunt


Netflix vows to stand by Megan and Harry.
Which in TV talk, means they're well
fucked.


"P" Daddy was originally Puff Daddy.
I think he should go a step further and
change his real name to Sean Grooms.


What makes me laugh about social media
is it's not very social.
More a minefield of dickheads with a few
good cunts in between.


After a long meeting at the pub with my
mates, we decided to form a group called
"War against nutters, knobheads, eejits and
retard society."

The only downside is its abbreviation is
W.A.N.K.E.R.S


I've heard that an evil scientist has spliced
genes from Bond villains Blofeld and Oddjob.
He's hoping to create the ultimate Blojob.


I was watching that Batman film "The Dark
Knight"
Great movie, but a bit far fetched.
There's no way people in real life would
support some obvious lunatic with
a bizarre hairstyle and makeup who
just aims to bring out the very worst
in everyone and pit them against
one another...


Bridget Jane's parachute up for sale-no
strings attached.
Do they mean her big knickers?


0% alcohol spirits.
Can't see the point.Like
sucking a nipple through
through a jumper.


Football commentator: "Anfield
has got to be the hardest place
at the moment."
... said with confidence of a man
who has never seen Diane Abbott's
minge.


It's interesting that Princess Anne can't
remember being kicked by a horse,
while Andrew has no recollection of
riding a filly.

[Bikkie]

Elon Musk bans rainbow flags from American classrooms.

That is a bad business move. Most Tesla owners are benders.



Study finds people trying to stop financial audit have nothing to hide.



My daughter told me she got her boyfriend Jamal started at bartending school.

"Great !... but that wasn't exactly what I meant when I said that the little jigaboo belongs behind bars."



Bryan Adams is forced to cancel his Perth, Australia, show because of blocked sewers at the venue.

This typically happens after a Bryan Adams concert.



I said to my boss I have 3 companies that are after me and I need a raise!

He said “which 3 companies?”

I said “gas, water and electric”



Kid Rock storms off stage, accusing crowd of not clapping enough.

Hardly surprising.

Most people who would attend a Kid Rock concert only have three fingers on each hand.




Wife: Your cock reminds me of Subway

Me: Why, cos it's a foot long?

Wife: No, I always end up with extra cheese




A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
"We have two big needs," said the village headman.
"First, we have a hospital but no doctor."
The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said, "OK... I have sorted it out.
A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?"
"We have no cellphone reception at all in our village whatsoever."



I asked the wife if there was anything available online for a massive penis.

She got me a pair of slippers and a pipe.




For the first time, Viagra ads are now targeting women.

But the women aren’t too happy with Viagra’s new slogan,

"Maybe It’s You."



A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left with the hope that she would be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rushed over to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family returned to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

“So ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”

“It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”




What do you call an embarrassed Irishman? Shamus




Oh, what a shite!
Chilli doner and a pint or three,
Brewing away overnight in me,
Morning after, what a shite!

Oh, what a shite!
Hit the khazi first thing the next day,
Pebbledashed the porcelain shunky,
My poor ringpiece, what a shite!

Oh, I, I got a funny feelin' when I tried to fart,
And my, as I recall I was lucky not to shart,

Oh, what a shite!
Got through half a 4-pack of bogroll,
Tryin' to decontaminate my hole,
Stank the house out, what a shite!

I felt a rush like a rollin' ball of thunder,
When the ming hit my nostrils I thought I'd fucking chunder,

Oh, what a shite!
Woke the wife up splattering the bog,
Nothing coming out looked like a log,
Fizzy gravy, what a shite!

etc



From the Guardian:

Youth culture experts could help prevent stereotyping of young black men, say lawyers.

Well, they could have a stab at it.



"I hope it doesn't bother you to have an LGBTQ dentist, Mr. Davies," said my new practitioner.

"Not unless you care if I call you the Tooth Fairy.'




Life is like toilet paper. You're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.



If a guy remembers your eye color after a date, it probably means you have small tits.



Duchess of Edinburgh: I bang the drum for exploited women

Duke of York: I bang exploited women



The wife was painting the Hallway this morning.
But was struggling with the bit that surrounds the front door.

That's where i come in.



When will someone build a piano that isn’t inherently racist?



2 things make me realise I’m not a raciest
I only watch interracial porn and my shadow is black




" A retrial for Lucy Letby?? Doctor Shoo Lee you can't be serious? "

" I am serious. And don't call me Shirley "




Credit: Leslie Nielsen



Gino d'Acampo robbed Paul Youngs house in his younger days. Though to be fair, wherever he lays his chefs hat, that's his home

[Piper]

Today I learned why Americans took
up ice hockey.
Its to punch a Canadian in the face .

[Piper]

Shakin Stevens has currently bought a
country estate in Scotland.

Thistle House.

[Bikkie]

Four on trial for theft of golden toilet from Bleheim palace in 2019. Asked why it took them so long, a police spokesman said "well for many years, we had nothing to go on"




So, we can expect a black James Bond.

Bet he'll be good with a knife.



I shagged a girl last night and told me that reminded her Usain Bolt. I said why because I'm athletic strong and fit and she said no it's because you finish in 9 seconds




My local bakers are looking for someone to dress up to promote their bread products.
I think I'll give it a try .
I've always fancied myself as a roll model.



I've just had a light bulb moment.
You know Black Friday?

Is it called that because the prices are so cheap, it's like you're robbing them?



I said to this blonde, "Do you like Happy Mondays?"

She replied, "Is that double drinks?"





My wife's a big fan of ballooning.

She's gained 6 stone since we got married.



I've just had one of those signs pop up saying, 'You are the 100,000th visitor today - claim your prize'.

That's when I decided to pull Bonnie blues knickers up and go home.




Hooters bankruptcy deals heavy blow to America's creepy, middle-aged weirdos.




They say if you're a heavy drinker you should try alternating your drinks and it really works.

I've been alternating between pints of lager and cider since 10am and now I'm fucking plastered.




Had a power cut last night. Fuck me, it was darker than the new James Bond in here




Funny, I can remember every word to a song from 20 years ago, but I have no clue what my bloody email password is.



As Amazon considers plots for the new Bond...

"The names Bond, Brooke Bond, Tea stirred, not shaken. "

Probably certified PG.

You'll probably need to be old to understand this.




To be fair, most people who believe in the story of Adam and Eve are products of incest.



American Football.

It's like they somehow managed to take Rugby and make it even gayer.




My doctor told me my prostate was good. I was deeply touched.



After booking in going to a premature ejaculators support group, and feeling shy, I had to ask the group leader what I should wear. He said it doesn't matter, most of the guys just come in their pants. So I told him if that was the case, I was already there.




A man knocks on Bonny Blues door.

BB: Hello?
Man: Yes, I hope you remember me. We had sex on the screen.
BB: I vaguely remember you.
MAN: Anyway I hear you are pregnant and I want to sue you for sole custody and child support, and with your antics you aren't a fit mother, and with your wealth your rolling in it.
BB: OK. Take this piece of paper
The feller looks at it and it say '871' on it.
MAN: what's this, 871? Is it 871 pounds and week? A month?
BB: No it means there are 870 men ahead of you.



My wife just said to me 'You dont listen to anything I say'.

I thought 'Thats and odd way to start a conversation'.



Hooters are in talks to prepare for bankruptcy.

The directors are doing their best to keep abreast of any developments.




The restaurant chain Hooters is preparing to file for bankruptcy.

I know they've always had their knockers, but I never expected them to go tits up.



Imagine my dissapointment when I settled down to watch A Thousand Blows on Disney + only to discover it wasn't about Bonnie Blue's latest world record attempt.




Mens Rules


Man Rules: We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!

Men are NOT mind readers.

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.




Goodbye Mister Bond.

Did you just assume my pronouns ?



My neighbour Ali keeps bringing quality food to my house. Feeds my whole family. So I asked him why.

He said he walked into a restaurant with his phone in hand and they shoved a great big bag of food in his hand thinking he's the Uber Eats guy and it's been working for him ever since.



There's only two words that can describe how much I like my massive new grandfather clock.

Big time.

[Piper]

Married men will soon celebrate the 3 days
that they are always right.Feb 29,30
and 31st.

[Piper]

Did you know that a Blue whale's vagina is so
wide and deep that 4 to 5 people can fit
inside? This makes it the world's second
biggest cunt after Donald Trump.


Coldplay to pick half-time acts at World cup
final
They can rule out Neil Diamond followed by the
Lighting Seeds.

[Piper]

I've agreed so much with
my wife.
That my head just starts
nodding at the sound of
her voice.


Me: You almost ready?

Wife: Just a few more
minutes, what time do we
have to be there?

Me: Yesterday at 7.


My employer sent me
to a Sensitivity Course.I
noticed that there weren't
any women on the course
and then I thought
"of course there are no
chicks on this course.
They don't need sensitivity
training.Bullshit like
'sensitivity' comes
naturally to them, like
crying, nagging and
shopping.


My wife speaks four languages
English, eye-rolls, door
slams, and sighs.


Quentin Crisp always
orders the same burrito at
my restaurant.
9 inchs long, hot, thick,
firm and easy to grip.


Things we think of during sex?

Husband...wow this is terrific,
these tits make a wonderful head
rest and that

fanny...wow...how many muscles does
she have down there?

Wife...where the fuck is he, he should've
been home by now?


Bucks drug dealer stored cocaine in his
pants in Aylesbury.
Never sniff the yellow snow.

[Bikkie]

What's the difference between Katie Price & Manchester United's new stadium?

You'll only be able to get 100,000 pricks in the stadium



When I found out my wife was having sex with the owner of the bates motel. She went fucking psycho




The new Manchester United stadium has received criticism after resembling a “circus tent”.

Which is ironic considering the standard of recent performances.



A new remake of the Wizard of OZ has been made.
In the new version Dorothy only meets one companion on the yellow brick road it's Donald Trump who's going to see the wizard to get a heart a brain and the fucking courage to stand up to Russia.





After a few incidents at work, my boss made me go on one of those 'Understanding Equality' courses at a training centre.

To be fair, the course was quite interesting, plus they laid on a nice big buffet lunch.

At the end of the course the host said to me, 'I think you've made the most progress of all!'

I replied, 'Thanks! Now, before I go home, where's the toilets in this place? I've got to go drown a darkie.'



Prince Harry made his feelings clear to Netflix staff on the set of Meghan Markle’s series

He said they don’t want paying in royalties, they’re not a part of that anymore

[Piper]

NASA and SpaceX launch rescue mission
to bring back stranded astronauts.
I feel sorry for the blokes, imagine how
awful it must be, to go back to your
wife after 9 months of peace.

[Bikkie]

I wonder how many animals we had to try riding before discovering horses are fine with it.



Live commentary..cricket...

Joffry Archer...He'll be the one to get de Kock out



Before i started watching Porn hub i thought 'Pegging' was 'Putting your washing out'




The first porn movie filmed by a drone has been released.

The film is expected to be a big surprise to the people who star in it...



I remember in the 80's the great Billy Connolly asking where everyone was from then asked "Is there any non Scots in?"

Les Mcewan then left promptly... Strange.




Porsche: Fast...Ferrari: Faster...Tesla: Fascist.




Miss Scotland bit two security guards and called one a nigger while being thrown out of the rugby 7s competition.

She saw an opening for a hooker



I went out yesterday evening and had a seriously hot curry.
Normally I don't take any notice of the horoscopes, in fact I don't really understand what they're on about most of the time.
But I'm now wishing I'd taken yesterday's predictions more seriously when it said, "the Sun will be moving out of Uranus".



What's the worst thing about a frightened Spaniard?



Hispanic




Tiger Woods reveals he is dating Donald Trump Jr's ex-wife.

Fuck me, this DEI hiring's really getting out of hand nowadays.





What are the three main signs of an impending stroke?

Kleenex, hand-cream and pornography




Snow Brown and the Seven Pronouns.




I don't know why dwarfs are complaining about losing acting jobs to CGI in the new Snow White film.

They were only small roles.





I got beaten up by the members of an American poodle rock band as well as Mick Jagger's lot. Whereas, the lads from a melodic early Brit-pop act said they'd always be friendly & protective

That's because Styx and Stones may break my bones but James will never hurt me



MAGA=

Moronic assholes governing America

[Piper]

What have beans, trainers and Phillip Schofield have in common?

They all come in trainers.





Prince Harry argues for state protection...

Wouldn't it be easier to file for divorce?


What's black and screams like fuck?
Stevie wonder answering the phone.


What's ginger and is getting tired now?
Elton John sucking on the gear lever.


The new 007 has been rebooted for modern times.

The names Bonded! Jamal Bondev!

Former member of the elite special ( small )
Boat Service!

Licence to claim benefits and bring my
family to UK!


The new 007 is going to be from Liverpool

The names Bond, James Bailbond.


Imagine saying "Who wants to ride my
magic penis rocket to Space?"

6 women agree including Katy Perry

Jeff Bezos is an evil genius!


Nothing screams I'm a strong independent
woman more than

Climbing aboard a giant penis shaped
Space rocket owned by a man.

Then claiming you faked it!




Scientists are testing a new product that's being referred to as

"Viagra for women."

The new product is, called ,"White Wine...

[Bikkie]

What do you get when you cross a nymphomaniac with a kleptomaniac?



A fucking thief!




I listened to all of "Brothers In Arms" by Dire Straits last night and to say it was disappointing is me being polite

Barely a mention of incestuous gay sex anywhere



When I was young my dad was always knocking things up in the garage.

The neighbour's wife, the babysitter, my sister's friends...



The Prime Minister of India decreed that there should be a huge national marathon – the likes of Boston, London & New York which get so much international publicity. Any resident of their fine country would be entitled to enter.
There was huge interest - with six million entries! “That is far too many entries” exclaimed his advisors. “Runners and spectators will be crushed to death in the crowds!”
“Then we will restrict this race just to the men of India” decreed the Prime Minister.
Entries were called again. Four million men!
The advisors called for a further reduction.” “This race will then be just for our admired eunichs” declared the Prime Minister.
Half a million entries! “Then we will limit it to the first 500 eunichs to arrive at the start line!”
What shall we call this great event Mr Prime Minister?”
“I am thinking we shall call this The India Knackerless 500!”




Just took the kids to see the new Minecraft movie- they've come away disappointed. It's part of a new exhibit at the National Coal Mining Museum...



I'm currently undergoing a lifestyle change.

Or, as the wife calls it, divorce.



I'm currently learning how to speak 'Apache'

It's easy if you know 'HOW'



My employer is introducing drug testing next week.

It's about time!

I'm sick and tired of getting ripped off with poor quality gear.




I went up to my neighbour and told him directly that for years I had been fucking his wife without him knowing.

"You mean she's your mistress ?"

"No, she charges me for it, so I'd say whore, really."




The car salesman asked if I wanted parking sensors and a reversing camera.

I said the car was for me, not the wife.



My aim in life is to be the best in the world at carving into long wooden seats.

That's the benchmark.




What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

f



With my kids, people told me I should be "lining up to see the new woke Snow White film."

Turns out that by avoiding going to see this woke catastrophe with Snow Brown, I lined up my pockets with extra cash !

[Piper]

I've been reading a book
about Music Theory, but
the terminology is a bit
confusing.
For instance: When you
play a note, it is called a
'rest', and the difference
betweens rests is called an
'Interval'
No wonder most
musicians are broke,
they're a bunch of lazy
bastard's.


I met my Tinder date who
looked nothing like her
profile picture.
"Fucking hell love, when
you said you liked cats I
didn't think you meant
Kit-kats."


People often get mixed
up, Frankenstein was
the scientist and
Frankenstein's monster
was his giant cock.


You know how they throw
the ball into the crowd
after they win a game?
Well that's not allowed in
bowling.I know that now.


I'm taking my wife on a
diving with sharks holiday.
Before I book it , I've got to
work out when her period
is.


I walked up to the girl at
the bar, "My mate wants
me to tell you that he
thinks you're hot."
"Does he now?" She
replied, "And what's your
mates name?"
"Dave, but we call him
coconut."
"Let me guess... He's thick
and hairy."
"No... he's shy."


A new study says too
much TV is linked to a
lower sperm count.
But only if you're watching
porn.


Give a man a gun and he'll
rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and
he'll rob everyone.


My local freebie papers
headline says 'Drug
dealing crackdown '
Yet my local supplier says
drug dealing, crack up.


"UK Supreme court rules that trans women
are not 'real' women.
Ain't that a kick in the dick?"

[Piper]

A dyslexic criminal enters
a library looking for a
shorter sentence.


Woman: I'd go to the ends
of the world for you!
Man: Okay, but would you
stay there?


When I was younger, porn
cost money and water
was free.
What happened?


Look on the bright side
commuter's, in 20 years
time, all of the cars stuck
in traffic jams will be
electric.


Having a piss after sex
will reduce your chances
of catching STI.
But I'm more bothered
about getting caught.


I like my women how like
my kidneys.
One is fine but I'd rather
have two.


I enjoy making
innuendos to pretty
girls knowing that
they don't twig it .
I said to the girl
behind the Fish and
Chip counter today...
.."The taste of your
batter is the best in
Norfolk."
The icing on the cake
was when she said
"You're welcome to
come anytime."

[Bikkie]

Women on dating sites are always like, 'Don't message me unless you're at least 6 feet and 2 inches.'

So I always do.

I'm 6 feet tall.


At the press conference today, Donald Trump's wife said she will stand by her husband.

Especially when he goes on the computer...




Trump boasted how quickly he could bring peace to Ukraine.

I wouldn't believe him if he was only 24 hours from Tulsa.




I don't get all the fuss about these so called superior "corn-fed" chickens

If anything, they make my knob look more yellow



I was reading an article about 'chemsex' in the gay community.

Apparently, smoking crack is quite popular in those circles.

You'd think those fellas would know about lube.



After being banned from filming in London the new Bond film will instead be shooting at BBC to ensure the same effect can be achieved.

Birmingham Bradford and Coventry



In news his week, George Forman's wife decided against a traditional burial or cremation in favour of having him grilled.



BREAKING: Due to Trump‘s tariffs, Vietnamese prostitutes will now only love Americans medium time.



Planting trees gives me wood.



JK Rowling celebrates a Supreme Court ruling that trans women are not legally women - posting a picture of herself puffing on a cigar on her $ 150million superyacht, "Samsara".

A boat that can't make up its mind if it's a male or female.


I was chatting to our local barmaid with the huge tits. I said "I'd love to take you out sometime"
She said "aww, that's nice"
I said "I was talking to your tits"



Having kids.

The tariff that makes Trump look like a pussy.




The new raghead at work got up and walked out, telling the boss he was going home early to read his Koran.
I thought, 'fair play to him'

I wouldn't have taken him for a heavy metal fan.



Aliens found on waterworld 120 light years away.

Its life Kevin but not as we know it



The wife wants me to join her taxidermy club.

Stuff that.



“Dick!”

“Cock!”

“Willy!”

“Knob!”

“Bellend!”

Honestly, this isn’t what I was expecting when I booked to attend an organ recital.



Paddy: I never drink water.

Murphy: Why not?

Paddy: That stuff rusts pipes.





I'm currently learning how to speak 'Apache'

It's easy if you know 'HOW'




My employer is introducing drug testing next week.

It's about time!

I'm sick and tired of getting ripped off with poor quality gear.



Paddy: I just bought a pair of those jeans that look like they have a pee stain in front.

Murphy: Bah ... I can make those in my sleep.



What's better than winning the lottery?

Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.



Donald Trump; 'Our economy is gonna boom!'

*go boom



What is the difference between Jam and Marmalade?

I can't Marmalade a dildo up my wife's arse



I think Donald Trump is doing a tariffic job as President.




Libtard radio-host Brian Shapiro of Las Vegas was trying to come up with a group name for David Pakman, Kyle Kucklinsky, Luke Beasley, and Harry Sisson (Harry Sissy) when they all spread their gay libtarded propaganda together.

He was none-too-happy when I called up and suggested the Butthole Surfers of the Apoca-lisp.


Most men's fantasies are to be in a threesome, but to be honest it isn't as it's cranked up to be, half way through I had to say 'Jim, frank'....


(credit - Stewart Francis)



My mate is a taxi driver in Liverpool and he picked these 2 Chinese businessmen men up from Manchester Airport yesterday and drove them to the Crown Plaza at Man Island they got out the taxi and went into the hotel.

When he drove off he noticed they had left a brief case on the back seat.

He opened the case and discovered £60,000 in cash.

Tommy a very religious lad and as honest as the day is long took the case back to the hotel and ask which room the men were in.

Reception rang their room and they came down and could not thank him enough.

They offered him £1,000 which he wouldn’t take but eventually agreed to take £100.

They said you have been very kind and we are here for the Grand National…. Put your £100 on these 2 horses and you will win big.

They have gone £15000 ew on both horses. Good Luck everyone

Here are the 2 Horses

4.00 Aintree

天地天地玄黃天地玄黃

天地玄黃天地玄黃



Meghan Markle is getting very thin and gaunt lately . Maybe Harry isn't the meal ticket she thought he was after all



Question

What's Oscar Pistorius least favourite song by the band The Police ?

Answer

I can't stand losing you



I've got a new job in a factory making chess sets.
I’m on knights next week.



I'm on the forecourt, making mischief by swapping round all the petrol and diesel nozzles on the pumps.

April Fuels.




I asked my wife if there is any chance of getting laid tonight. She repied, "Spell way". I said, "W A Y.". She said, "You forgot the F". I told her there is no F in way. She said, "Correct, now fuck off".



My neighbour asked me if I'm in favour of a free Palestine. I told him I'll take anything if I don't have to pay for it.



Scientists have discovered the reason why women talk more than men.

It's because they think we're listening...


Women and beer are very similar. Both make you act like a fool, and some go down better than others.




Just imagine having oral sex.

During a Earthquake.



A new vibrator has been produced and the vibrations are the highest on record!

Made in Bangkok


I was disgusted when some old bigot came up to me during my dog-walk and suggested my puppy was "nigger brown"

The fucking cheek. For starters his Dad was there right behind him, sniffing his arse



I’m sick to death of autocorrect ruining my text messages?

I asked the misses to duck my sick today.


Just got back from holiday in Greenland, where I picked up a MAGA hat.

Make America Go Away.



The Invisible Man is Irish.

His name's Cam O'Flage.



I stared directly at the sun but it didn't affect my eyes.

It was when they used to have page 3 girls with their tits out.



On Friday night a bunch of black men all turned up at my door saying they're "here for the party": I said, "Fuck off, there's no fucking party."

How they all proved me wrong when they all pulled out an invite my wife posted on some dating site saying, "There's a party in my huge arse tonight, and all the coloured chaps are cumming."


According to a new study, talking after having sex is just as important as sex.

I’m just glad listening isn’t important...




Paddy: I'm worried about Trump's tariffs.

Murphy: It doesn't affect me -- my wife does all the shopping.

[R650R]

The Wife asks why do you still play computer games as an adult.
I told her it’s like her putting on make up, it’s an escape from reality 🤣😂🤣

[Piper]

Prince Harry LOSES appeal in his battle for
taxpayer-funded police protection, leaving
him facing a £1.5m legal bill.
Don't worry, Hazza, you'll be skint soon and
you won't need protecting.


I make contact lenses for
a living. Maybe I should
start making ellipse-shaped
one's for Chinese people?


Is a Gynecologist just
another name for Crack
Quack.


Statistically one in every
six people find Russian
Roulette mind blowing.


What do you call an Indian
Geordie Submarine?
Gandeep Undawata


If you drive a Subaru in
reverse what are you?
U r a bus


I don't mind watching
porn but I'd like you to
imagine you're looking at
me in the films.
"Please love, can't I just
have one thing?."


"Who would you like me
to sound like to make me
sexy?" Asked my missus.
"Marcel Marceau." I
replied.


What's a Muslim woman's
favourite boxing punch?
A high jab.


Little known fact-Bill
Gates named Microsoft
after his dick.


Walking in on my naked
girlfriend between two
nude black guys has left
me traumatised.
To the point where I've
been unable to even look
at an Oreo biscuit ever
since.


Harry, Harry, Harry, what did I say:, "you burn
the coal, you pay the toll"


Me going to the gym and
trying to get fit watching
others exercise isn't
working out.


My current porn
obsession is mixed race
couples where the woman
is on her period
Just search "black and
white menstrual show.


Thousands of eggs have been
stolen from a local farm.
Police suspect poachers are to
blame.


I was watching some
midget porn earlier and it
really made me think.
No matter where you
work, they're always
screwing the little guy.


My Gran was telling me
about the men she slept
with back in the day.
Stan Boardman, Stan Laurel,
Stanley Baker, Stan Lee, Stanley
Matthews and Stanley Baxter.
She had a lot of one night Stan's
when she was younger.

[Piper]

A study, published in the Journal Current
Research in Food science, suggest that
consuming watermelon can help reverse
erectile dysfunction and improve fertility.
Now, that's just racist.


Cardinal Robert Francis Prevost will be
known as Bob.
Bob Pope.


Katy Perry has described herself as a
human pinata after she was repeatedly
mocked online following her Blue Origin
space flight.
Terrible analogy. A pinata yields
pleasure.


What's the difference
between people who are
kind and people who are
always telling everyone to
be kind?
Just know that there Is a
difference.


"You gotta be shitting me!"
said my unsuspecting
quest when I told him
I was getting into
cannibalism.
And just a few hours later,
history word proved to be
true.


After thirty years of
Marriage my wife and I are
worried about the same
thing.
The size of our tits.


Datsun:
An automobile brand
owned by Nissan.
Also Jamaican for a
middle child.

[Piper]

The BBC is warning Bafta performers
against wearing anything that will expose
their breasts.
This warning is aimed primarily
at Ant and Dec.


Me : "Can I get two bacon and egg rolls with brown sauce?"

Shopkeeper :"No, cash or card only."


How do you blindfold a chink?
Dental floss.


I find it best to keep my mouth shut if a discussion
about trans people pops up.
Just in case a woman puts her dick in it.


When I once went ilon television to represent the union,
they told me I had to wear makeup.
Everyone told me I looked like a proper faggot and
completely botched it when I gave the interview rouge, lipstick,
and a strand of pearls.


Got sacked from the zoo for leaving the lions
cage open.
Who the fuck is gonna steal a lion

[Bikkie]

Look on the bright side
commuter's, in 20 years
time, all of the cars stuck
in traffic jams will be
electric.


Having a piss after sex
will reduce your chances
of catching STI.
But I'm more bothered
about getting caught.


I like my women how like
my kidneys.
One is fine but I'd rather
have two.


I enjoy making
innuendos to pretty
girls knowing that
they don't twig it .
I said to the girl
behind the Fish and
Chip counter today...
.."The taste of your
batter is the best in
Norfolk."
The icing on the cake
was when she said
"You're welcome to
come anytime."




I've been reading a book
about Music Theory, but
the terminology is a bit
confusing.
For instance: When you
play a note, it is called a
'rest', and the difference
betweens rests is called an
'Interval'
No wonder most
musicians are broke,
they're a bunch of lazy
bastard's.


I met my Tinder date who
looked nothing like her
profile picture.
"Fucking hell love, when
you said you liked cats I
didn't think you meant
Kit-kats."


People often get mixed
up, Frankenstein was
the scientist and
Frankenstein's monster
was his giant cock.


You know how they throw
the ball into the crowd
after they win a game?
Well that's not allowed in
bowling.I know that now.


I'm taking my wife on a
diving with sharks holiday.
Before I book it , I've got to
work out when her period
is.


I walked up to the girl at
the bar, "My mate wants
me to tell you that he
thinks you're hot."
"Does he now?" She
replied, "And what's your
mates name?"
"Dave, but we call him
coconut."
"Let me guess... He's thick
and hairy."
"No... he's shy."


A new study says too
much TV is linked to a
lower sperm count.
But only if you're watching
porn.


Give a man a gun and he'll
rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and
he'll rob everyone.


My local freebie papers
headline says 'Drug
dealing crackdown '
Yet my local supplier says
drug dealing, crack up.





What have beans, trainers and Phillip Schofield have in common?

They all come in trainers.





Prince Harry argues for state protection...

Wouldn't it be easier to file for divorce?


What's black and screams like fuck?
Stevie wonder answering the phone.


What's ginger and is getting tired now?
Elton John sucking on the gear lever.


The new 007 has been rebooted for modern times.

The names Bonded! Jamal Bondev!

Former member of the elite special ( small )
Boat Service!

Licence to claim benefits and bring my
family to UK!


The new 007 is going to be from Liverpool

The names Bond, James Bailbond.


Imagine saying "Who wants to ride my
magic penis rocket to Space?"

6 women agree including Katy Perry

Jeff Bezos is an evil genius!


Nothing screams I'm a strong independent
woman more than

Climbing aboard a giant penis shaped
Space rocket owned by a man.

Then claiming you faked it!




Scientists are testing a new product that's being referred to as

"Viagra for women."

The new product is called 'White wine."



Morning Wood.
-----------------
So when you're old and knackered and getting on a bit
And things things don't work quite as well
So imagine the delight this morning when I awoke
When my man thing had a very large swell

"Quick, I said," have a look at this
I said to my missus with a smile
She grinned with a glint in her eye and said
"Well yes, it has been quite a while"

So we heaved and we grunted and gave it a go
And it all came flooding back
When bugger me my back creaked and did pop
And my mind went completely off track

Well she started to laugh at the state I was in
And decided she would get on top
It'd been many a year and she wasn't quite slim
When my knee did twist and lock

Well she grunted and heaved as her body did weave
While I was pinned to the bed like a rock
I heard a long lost cry of, "Oh God Oh my"
As she jumped up and down on my cock

She finished the deed with a glow on her face
As I lay there not quite yet done
"OK" she said, "it's hand and knees
"Now it's your turn for some fun"

Now my knee wouldn't play as I tried to get up
And I'd forgotten I wasn't twenty one
I fell on the floor and banged my head on the door
She couldn't stop laughing at what I'd done

Now I thought to myself with out any doubt
Should I awake with an erection again
I'm not saying nowt, and I'll give it a clout
Just like I should've done then.



I thought my black neighbour worked in construction

But I realised he works in the steal industry



"Why Do Black Athletes Dominate?"

They had a lot of practice running from the police in their teens when they mugged little old white ladies.




Katy Perry has claimed that those few seconds in space make her an astronaut. By the same reckoning, I am a gynaecologist!



Women are like cooked prawns.
Their heads are full of shit but the pink bits are quite yummy!



What do police hotlines and glory holes have in common?

They both rely on anonymous tips

[Piper]

*** Spoiler Alert ***

About the two part finale to Doctor Who,
starting this Saturday 24/5/2025.
Turns out he's just a normal doctor, that works
for the World Health Organisation.


The US Treasury have confirmed that they
will stop producing pennies next year.
Where's the cents in that.


Freddie Mercury's secret daughter is
apparently, she was conceived accidentally
when he stuck it in the wrong hole


Boris Johnson becomes father for the
ninth time.
Has he ever pulled out of anything other
than the EU?

[Bikkie]

Beyoncé fans brawl as a fight breaks out at the star's concert at London's Tottenham Hotspur Stadium.

First exciting thing to happen at that stadium since the Chicago Bears played against the Oakland Raiders




Men's Mental Health Awareness Month is observed in June.

As is Gay Pride.

Just saying.



Picking a side in this Trump / Musk spat

It's like choosing between having AIDS or going to a Lenny Henry stand-up gig



It's gay pride month in Belfast...

....or as I call it - a UDA show of strength.




Fun fair.

The world's smelliest oxymoron.



My dyslexic pal told me he saw a flying saucer in the sky last night, so I told him he should see a ufologist

He came back and I said, "What happened, was it aliens?"

"No", he says, "I've got VD"



I was taking my kids swimming today and asked my missus, "Do you want to come swimming with us?"

"Sorry,"' she said, "I cant come swimming as I am having 'woman's issues".

Stupid cow.

Just because she can't reverse a car into a parking space doesn't mean she couldn't have come with us. I was driving anyway.



Wife’s got the hump cos I didn’t have a condom and used one of those thin rubber gloves,got sick of her moaning so I gave her the middle finger



It's funny how these poor American people in the Plinko ads who can't afford food are always in a food shop and have a mobile phone with Internet.




What do you call a Scottish woman on a never-ending period?

Morag



The secret to happiness is gratitude.

Which is why most women are miserable.





How many dyslexics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Steven



I said to my Scottish pal, "I'll come out tonight as long as you promise you won't be boxing or wrestling every guy that looks in your direction..."

He said, "Nae Can Do"

I said, "No martial arts either!"





Definition of irony:

Trans women make men look bad


A transgender person tried to tell me a joke.

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there/they're/their?," I asked.



What do you call a Chinaman who keeps asking you how you vote?

Po Ling




Freddie Mercury's secret daughter is revealed after a fling with the wife of a close friend.

Apparently, she was conceived accidentally when he stuck it in the wrong hole.




Young girl next door just got a kitten.
Her father looked daggers at me when I asked her over the garden fence how her pussy was?




I'm making some fairy cakes.
Will puff pastry be suitable?



Life is a lot like a funfair.

It's just missing the first 'f'.








Can you imagine if Pinocchio was made now?

"Can you turn me into a real boy, Blue Fairy?"

"A boy? What the fucking hell's that?"



Her: Did you know a BJ ends with the word "job" because it sucks, but going down on a woman is called "eating out" because it's a privilege?

Him: And that's why you have a job to do everyday, and I can only eat out a couple times a month.

[Piper]

England lionesses announce squad for
Euro 2025 after three withdrawals.
Didn't realise lesbians use the pull-out
method.


Donald Trump is so angry about being called
"TACO" ( Trump Always Chickens Out ) that
his doctor is afraid he may develop a serious
heart condition that may lead to a heart attack.
He is calling it TACOcardia.

[sugilite]

A bit of a laugh...

<iframe width="525" height="933" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/d3SICKuEgqk" title="wait for end#shorts#funnyjokes#viralshorts#jokes#usa" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share" referrerpolicy="strict-origin-when-cross-origin" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[Piper]

It wasn't a surprise that Elaine Paige
got a mention in the king's Birthday Honours.
She knows him so well.

[R650R]

Was watching an add on TV that you can feed, clothe and educate a child in Africa for just $5 a day so I packed my son a bag and put him on a flight 😂🤣😂

[Piper]

LGBTQ+ History month
shouldn't that be LBTQ
+They/Them/ story month?


I've been asking around what
LGBTQlA+ means.
But I can't seem to get a straight
answer.


I joined an LGBTQ group.
Lets Go Beat up Transexuals and Queers.


What do you call mistaking a genuine Thai
hooker for a shemale?
Not an issue.


My neighbours weren't very happy when
they found out I was hosting a lesbian orgy
at my house.
It set some tongues wagging.


Imagine living through the 20th Century
when you knew by sending your kids
to university, they would become
well -educated people and contribute to
society, whilst enabling them to have a
better life.
Fast-forward to 2025 and you're more
likely to get a fat, lazy, blue-haired,
gender confused, pronounced pig, who
couldn't spell the word shower, let alone
use one


Went on a blind date with a proper fat
woman and woke up with a black eye.
I only said, "Your round" after I finished
my pint


What do you call a bloke with no shins?
Toe Knee.

[Bikkie]

Work has begun on Manchester's 'first of its kind' LGBTQ+ housing development.

I'll laugh if the walls are straight and it doesn't come with bent pipes.



"There's no way this Monkees fan is going to beat me at poker", I thought.

And then I saw her ace.

Now my hand is weaker.



I bumped into Gemma Collins singing a few Monkees tracks at a kareoke last night

She told me she lost two stone

Then I saw her waist

And I don't believe her




There was this local Artist who did pictures of the Monkees.
She captured Micky Dolenz teeth, Mike Nesmith's bobble hat and Davy Jones boyish good looks.
Even her Pete Tork looked lifelike.


Then I saw her trace.

She's one big Deceiver!!!




After having sex with Jennifer Aniston yesterday, I can tell you 3 things. 1) She is very tight and I had to struggle to get it in 2) She will gladly take it all over her face and not say a word 3) The staff at the wax museum have no sense of humour.



Britain’s got free speech the way McDonald’s has salad, it’s technically there, but say the wrong thing and you’re banned quicker than a joke about Keir Starmer’s front door



Yesterday I overheard a mixed-race lad about 16 who already had a small tattoo under his eye, and was plotting to get a much bigger one on his face.

I pulled the little fucker aside and told him he'd never have a job doing shite like that.

"Yea dats da fucking point," he hissed, before he went back to mindlessly playing at some handheld gaming device.



I've been getting disturbing calls & messages from some weird cunt called Buster.

Does anybody know a way, there's got to be a way, to block Buster.



Got called in to hr at work for saying I heard the new girl looked like one of the monkees

And then i saw her race



I saw a black fella hurt his knee playing football.

The medic didn't have the proper spray, so he used a deodorant he had in his bag.

The injured guy got up and started running.

It must've been Lynx Africa.




I've had to rent an electric car, the first I've ever driven.

There are so many knobs and buttons.

Starting the fucker is like fingering R2D2.



What do you call a long nosed whale at an Oasis gig?

Narwhal Gallagher



Before she was famous, Bonnie Blue used to work in Poundstretcher.

Quite appropriate really, now she's been pounded and stretched.


I'm sure my best mate is having an affair with my wife.

I've never seen him looking so miserable...




I saw Usain Bolt at a monkies concert as a kid in the states? Saw him running, thought I could beat him?

Then I saw his pace…



I smiled at a woman on the train and she said "When you smile at me I want to invite you to my place"
"Are you single?" I asked her.
"No, I'm a dentist" she replied.



Bill Gates is a huge proponent of "The Great Reset" as a way to sort out the planets problems.
Trust the man behind Microsoft to think "Turning the world off and on again" is going to fix anything.



I once nicked an antiquated games console off a kid from the Middle East

Qatari?

No, a fucking Nintendo



A teacher told me at school I'd never be any good at poetry due to my dyslexia.

But I've just made a lovely pair of jugs and a vase.



Kid says to his Dad, he says "Dad where do babies come from?"

Dad says, "The stork"

Kid says, "Well who fucks the stork?"




Diana Ross says she is delighted Trump is not taking out the Supreme leader.



I'm not saying the wife's thick.

She saw a classified ad for a Mexican pine cabinet.

Then asked me who would want to put a tropical tree in a box.



I met Elizabeth Fritzl at a 1960s counter-culture music convention a few years ago and when I spoke to her all she did was start crying

I only asked her if she liked Strange Days by The Doors




It appears that the gay community have bred their own breed of dog. A Cock or ��



Stevie Wonder: Can you describe to me what I look like?

Friend: Well, what do you see right now?

Stevie: Nothing, just blackness

Friend: Like that



Last night I was shagging a dyslexic girl called Lauren -

She was unreal!



I asked the wife for sex yesterday and she said it was Father's Day, not Husband's Day.

I'm not sure she likes our daughter.



Transwomen have been ban from playing football. But maybe they should’ve let them keep playing but only as goal keepers.
Would drastically improve having to watch that shite.
Watching female goalies is like watching a woman try to parallel park!



I realised what it was like to be a nigger today.

Five kids but not a single fathers day card.



Ray Charles "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with B"

Stevie Wonder "Black. My turn. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with B"

[R650R]

At the pub having drink with the wife and she points to a guy over at bar drinking and having good time with his mates, shouting another round of drinks.
“He proposed to me ten years ago” she said.
He’ll and he’s still celebrating being free I replied.
I think that’s when the trouble started…

[Bikkie]

If people speak to you in the countryside they're being friendly.

If people speak to you in the city, they either want something, are mentally ill or about to stab you.
( that's true )




Why did Michael Caine take a shit behind the elephant house?

Because he couldn't face another zoo loo.


It must be really difficult for a prostitute to get rid of a customer.

She's telling them to go, but all they want to do is come.


I discovered on holiday that cars in Italy are all speed restricted.

If you fall below 50, the horn sounds.



Gutted you didn't make it to Glastonbury? Just put 12 different cds on around the house and then stand at the back of the garden occasionally throwing pints of piss down your back.



Ah, beautiful Venice. Such a wonderful place to receive your final blowjob.



Teacher: "OK class, what was Robin Hoods girlfriends name?"
Jimmy: "It was Trudy Glen, miss"
Teacher: "No, Jimmy, it was Maid Marion"
Jimmy: " But miss, what about the song, Robin Hood Robin Hood riding Trudy Glen"



It's getting daft now with this ultra woke PC bullshit. You can't even say "pipe down"

You have to say, "Harvey, chuck it over here, and my baccy. Oh and pass me my fucking slippers while you're at it'



I once asked Lulu "what do you call a hole in the ground that you get water from?"

That's 10 minutes of my life I won't get back.



Words with different meanings, no 84:

" Tyranny "

An Italian transsexual



Your bride has been dispatched and should arrive between 11am and 3pm on June 29th




Astronaut Katy Perry is splitting up with Orlando Bloom. I guess she...needed more space....



Captain Shukla will become the first ever Indian to visit Nasa's orbiting laboratory.

He's already turned it into a corner shop...



My seven year old son was in a school play. Why is he not paid the same as Tom Cruise? - Female logic



Sir Elton John set to lead performances at Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez's $20M Venice wedding in Venice.

Just how many times can he change the fucking 'Candle in The Wind' lyrics.



Al Green

No he's black



Someone help me out please.
Does the plumber actually fix the tap at the end of 'my stepmother is a slut' porn video?
I never seem to get to the end of it.




Eastbourne: Raducanu beaten in three sets by Joint

Kids, just say no to drugs.


I used to make honey, but now I've abandoned my hives.

Now I'm a bee leaver.



Don't ever go to a drag race during Gay Pride.

The dresses and make up look shit and they all break their heels on the quarter mile.


After showing up late for the last two World Wars, it looks like the Americans want to be bang on time for this one.



I was listening to The Monkees on the radio in the prison showers.

But then I dropped the soap.

Now I'm a receiver...



The names bongo James bongo !

ffs...no



Sadly, I was caught by security trying to climb the fence at Glastonbury, they turned me back & said I had to listen to the rest of the Rod Stewart concert.




I phoned the vet because my dog had a high temperature.

He prescribed mustard, best thing for a hot dog...



I bought a gun because I have a fear of eagles.

"You're getting carried away," said my wife.

"Not without a fucking fight," I replied.

[Bikkie]

Sports News - After she secured a comfortable victory to progress to the second round at Wimbledon, British number one Emma Raducanu said she would give her coach Mark Petchey an "11 out of 10"

I would give her one.



I called a landscaper the other day, asked him if he could do the garden.
He said "Do you want decking?".
I said "That's entirely uncalled for... I already have a patio!".



Sports News - At todays Wimbledon, Emma Raducanu knocks out compatriot Mimi Xu.

By coincidence while watching, I knocked one out myself.



I used to date a woman who had a parrot.

I broke up with her because of the incessant talking and shrieking.

The parrot was well behaved though.



It's now that time of year again for the Wimbledon women's tennis.

Funny how It always coincides with the start of my annual training for the World Arm Wrestling Championships.



The Wimbledon women's singles tennis championships start today, so I'll be glued every day to the box for a fortnight.

Not only the TV. but also my sofa, my trousers and one of my socks.


A black guy with an eyepatch on just got into my car and told me to get out then drove off.
I think he was a pirate of the car I be in.

( I'll get my keys )

[Bikkie]

Those announcements in train stations are bullshit

“If you see something that doesn’t look right, see it, say it, sort it”.

Well when I showed them this lump on my bollocks all they did was physically remove me from the station with my pants round my ankles.



The single biggest test of Donald Trump's Presidency is coming on July 4th.

Not because he's behaving like a King.

It's the day half of his supporters will find out he's gutted their medical cover, when they've just blown half of their webbed fingers off with fireworks.



The local Starbucks are going to hate me.

They have a sign that reads, 'Please only put toilet tissue down the toilet'.

I did a piss and shit on the floor.



After years of waiting for gender reassignment surgery I decided to do it myself.

To be honest I'm surprised I managed to pull it off.




Trump considers deporting Elon Musk as their feud explodes.

They both think dignity is overrated.




My new girlfriend drives all the machines on her father's farm.

For some strange reason, I was atractored to her instantly.



"Dalai Lama confirms he will have a successor after his death"

In other news, Gary Glitter is seen buying robes in Tibet



Do Muslim child brides have to sign a threenup?.




I started dating a black girl because she told me she loves it 'up the brown'.

Turns out she just meant her pussy.



White men can't jump.

Ticket barriers that is.




White men can't jump
Black cunts can't drive!




It's getting daft now with this ultra woke PC bullshit. You can't even say "put everything on black"

You have to say, "Tyrone, all toppings on my pizza please"




Former head of the royal navy Ben key sacked for having an affair with female subordinate.
People have joined the navy for centuries so they could bum another bloke without their wives
finding out, but as soon as someone shags a woman it's a problem.




Went to a Roman themed stripper party.

Veni, vidi, veni.



Popular fruit urgently recalled due to vomiting, fever and diarrhoea risk.

Fuck's sake Elton, you should know by now to rubber up.




After numerous attempts to win the Mens World Wanking Championship.

I've managed to pull it off..




I went for a job with the Mountain Rescue Squad today.

'Why do you want to join us? ' The interviewer asked.

'Well, ' I said, 'I hear you are always looking for people.'


I lost a fight with a kid at school once. His name was Bill Tong. I definitely bit off more than I could chew.



The wife and her mother have always rubbed each other up the wrong way.

After a few beers, I showed them both together how to wank properly last night.




Bonnie Blue's world record attempt for the largest number of female sexual partners within 12 hours was thwarted at the grand opening.

A large ribbon was in place for the commencement but none of the scissors there could cut it.




I’ve been getting spontaneous erections ever since I became superstitious… touch wood!



I walked past a group of "Republic" protestors earlier and they were brandishing placards, wearing t-shirts & shouting "not my king"

I thought, what the fuck have they got against Elvis?




There's controversy over casting a Black woman as Richard III in a new PBS period drama.

Doubt many Americans will watch it, though.

Not without seeing I and II first.



I was blown away watching the Oasis gig in Cardiff and had to pinch myself to take in what I saw.
The cunts actually played a fourth chord.



Tiger Woods and Vanessa Trump are heading for marriage.

Finally, a black sheep in the Trump family.



Jessica Biel is married to Justin Timberlake.

Does that make her a Biel-T?

[Bikkie]

The UK…….. is………ranked………….99th ………in the……….world for…………………… Internet speed...



The wife's just thrown 5 cricket balls at me.
I said one more and it's over.




The debate still rages on about which toilets trans women should be allowed to use

Yet the solution is simple

Why don't they just do it up against a wall?




"I see dead people"

"Oh"
"What?"

"I see dead people"

"Oh"
"What?"

"I see dead people"

"Oh"
"What?"

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE....I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!"


Rehearsals aren't going well for the "Sixth Sense" remake



After an awkward silence my wife said, "Are we seriously not going to talk about the elephant in the room?"
"I know it's a bit left field love," I replied, "But give Jumbo a chance and I'm sure you'll grow to love him."




My mate said he didn’t understand what cloning was. I said that makes two of us.




Today is world allergy day - glad to know I'm not the only one allergic to the world because of all the bloody foreigners.



I asked the wife what her last wish on this earth would be?
She said to be licked out by a Pangolin.

Fucking sick bitch.



The Women’s Euros:
More passion, more grit…
And still fewer balls than Harry Maguire.



Benjamin Netanyahu has nominated Donald Trump for a Nobel Peace Prize.

In other news, Hulk Hogan has nominated himself for a Nobel Prize for Physics.




I got into an argument over the lyrics to the Madonna song "La Isla Bonita" and said, "It's - I fell in love with San Pedro, not - I fell in love with some Dago."

"My version works for me, it's Brokeback Mountain night at Karaoke," said my extremely gay homo son.




In Australia, a Victorian woman poisoned three relatives with deathcap mushrooms in a beef Wellington.

She looks young for someone from the 1800s.





I went to school with a Scottish kid called Ali Hugh McBarr

Nice lad. Shat ourselves though whenever his name was read out in registration




All this talk abut President Trump and the Nobel Peace Prize,
Every one forgets the people that stood by him through thick and thin,
Ivana, Ivanka and Tiffany, They should get a medal, well I would give them one any day.



Was just in JD sports trying on trainers and I told the assistant they were too tight.
"Try them with tongue out" she said
"Nope, thleyre thtill tloo tlight" I replied.



Words with different meanings, no: 64

" Diarrhoea "

An extremely bad live performance of 'Driving Home For Christmas'

[Bikkie]

My father thought that alcohol was the answer to everything.
He didn’t drink it, he was just shit at quizzes.

(Milton Jones)




Three jews were on a business conference call. The first said to the second "I need to borrow 10k from you for a new business idea" the second said "you're breaking up, I can't hear you"
So he repeated his request.
The second said "still can't hear you!"
The third guy chipped in and said "I can hear him fine"
The second said. "well you lend him 10k then"



Meghan Markle's new $30 As Ever Rosé wine has finally arrived. A little flabby, unbalanced, acidic and tasteless.

Now, let's get to the wine.



Meghan Markle’s ‘Manic Behaviour’ Analysed By Psychologist | “She Loves Herself”

I can't say I'm surprised. Nobody else does.



What's the only way to get money from a Jew?.

Run for office.



Had a narrow escape last night, I was working at the Co-op live arena in Manchester at the ELO gig,

fortunately, they cancelled before they were due to come on.





Starmer and Macron announce 'one in, one out' deal on migration.

Which refers to Macron's balls and Starmer's mouth as far as I can tell.




Just heard about the government's idiotic, 'one in, one out' rule.

The public want to limit immigration and these fuckers are doing the hokey cokey?






I don't know either player in the Wimbledon Women's Singles final.

To be on the safe side, I'm gonna support the one with tits.



Top tip...

Motorcyclists. Carry a metre square piece of rubber mat under your arm while riding. In the event of an accident, simply throw it on the floor for you to land on.




"Harry Potter star Emma Watson caught speeding near Oxford"

Perhaps a spell in prison is required for this entitled young madam!



See Donald Trump contacted Irish embassy about growing Rice in Texas.

Apparently he's interested in Paddy fields.

I thank you.

[Bikkie]

I'm very disappointed with the ladies England v Wales soccer match. There's 22 lesbians and not one of them is diving in the box.



Just watching England Womens football.
They keep saying James has a Black Eye.

Unless my tv is fucked, I believe she has two Black Eyes.

(In fairness & so as not to cause upset, they is now calling it a shiner).

Now they're calling a White girl Bronze!!!!



Looking at the Live Aid set again, typical of the Americans to enter late, after the British have done all the hard work…




Being terrored by a wasp in the garden all afternoon. .
My wife asked.... "Isn't that driving you mad!?"
Nah it's buzzing, I replied!.




Ed Miliband says Net Zero will create lots of Green Jobs. Ed must be colourblind.

Last time I looked the Chinese were still Yellow.




The average person uses just 10% of their brain.

Unless they're American.

Then it's -10%.

(Don't worry, they won't understand this).



What are the three words a Thai woman loves to hear?

Your cock's massive.




There was a mass attempt of people breaching the fences at Heaton Park, as Oasis took the stage.

Police backup arrived.

To keep them in.




A Dutch guy, someone from Belgium, and a black dude are sitting in a boat. The Dutch guy proclaims "I can measure the watertemperature just by hanging my dick into the water". "Oh really, so just do it!" the Belgium guy responds.
So it happens...the Dutch guy puts his penis into the water "around 16 degrees".
So the guy from Belgium says "Let me try that". He puts his willy in, waits for a second "I believe it is just 15 degrees".

So they ask the black guy to test it as well. So the black dude puts his penis in. Waits....waits even longer. After a few minutes the Dutch guy and Belgium guy ask him "So.... What do you think?"

The black guy responds "I have no idea, but it is six feet deep".



"It is "shameful" that black boys growing up in London are "far more likely" to die than white boys" says the met office

Perhaps if they stopped stabbing each other....



da Ronstadt is born in Tucson, Arizona. Her music career starts as lead singer of the folk trio the Stone Poneys.



Who invented the qwerty keypad. One of my favorite words is xunt.

Love you, cccc




If you want to smack your kids, but not leave a mark.

I find a good quality oven glove works best.




I think it's fair to say that Sylvester Stallone and Carl Weathers had a rocky relationship




I have a French girlfriend who has trimmed her bush and who dusts her flat obsessively. So, no "poussiere" on two counts.




I went to school with Ivor Bigun
nice kid.
always boasting about the size of his knob



Ok, I’m confused. My wife can’t get pregnant. We went to get medical help. I asked the doctor what were the chances of her getting pregnant. He said, it’s all down to the success of the IDF. What the hell has the Israeli army got to do with my wife’s fertility??

[Bikkie]

Will Smith claims he has Welsh heritage.

Probably a blackface sheep.



BBC News:

Hollywood star Will Smith declares 'I'm Welsh'

Been working down the mines then, have ya?




Will Smith proclaims Welsh heritage.

I suppose he'll be playing John McClane in Dai Hard.




Why did Will Smith move to Wales?
Because he wanted to be the Prince of Blaenau-Ffestiniog!



On his recent visit to Wales, Will Smith was taken to a petting farm. Whilst there he saw the absolute pleasure of a new lamb being born.
Will was gobsmacked when they said, they would like to call it Jade after his wife.
Fighting back the tears Will said he was so honoured that a fresh life one so beautiful a miracle of civilisation would be compared to that of his wife.

Daffid the farmer said, what you on about bouyo? Have you not noticed its short black & curly just like her.




Will Smith declares he's Welsh.

Fuck off. You can't pull the wool over my eyes.



In his latest interview Will Smith declares his Welsh heritage.

Is it me or did he look a bit Sheepish when he said it?



Since declaring himself as Welsh Will Smiths relatives are refusing to speak to him.

Apparently they regard him as the Black Sheep of the family.



After a great day at work today, I gave myself a massive pat on the back.

I hate being a farmer.



Marvel have just announced a new movie about a group of egg based superheroes

The Flantastic Four will be out next year




An Amazon driver asked me the time..
I said " it's between 9am and 8pm".



In the 90s had a crush on I Know What You Did Last Summer's Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Now she looks like she'd crush me.



I opted to take my driving test in a EV.

Failed the theory because I didn't know the stats for Petrol and Diesel car fires.




Mel Gibson financed The Passion of the Christ himself and made nearly a billion dollars. Now that’s what I call a prophet




BBC NEWS: Biggest human imaging study scans 100,000th person.

Pornhub: "hold my beer"





Did you know in Singapore when you go to McDonald's they give you rice instead of fries?

Now don't call me a racist but how the fuck are you supposed to dip that in your milkshake?

I guess they're used to it, what with their tiny cocks.





Old McDonald got some solar panels fitted.

E-on E-on Oh!

With a .......



In a new survey, 1 in 5 Americans believe that God steers the economy.

So mystery solved—God is Trump...





What goes 'Oh my god, wow. Oh my god, wow. Oh my god, wow. Oh my god, wow'?.

Every episode of Long Lost Family.



WARNING: If you get a link offering you sex with a hot young busty woman, don't respond, she's an old saggy minger, sorry, I mean, it's a scam.



What's the best thing for a flat tyre?

A tyre iron.




Dawn French

No she's English.




Donald Trump visit is an 'opportunity' for Scotland, insists First Minister John Swinney.

Too fuckin' right it is, ken?

Noo wherr's ma fuckin' chib?




Captain Tom's daughter, Hannah Ingram-Moore, touts herself as a 'resilience coach' in her new online venture.

That would be like Trump coaching speech therapy.




What have Heather Mills and a cricket field got in common?

A long leg




Emma Watson banned from driving for speeding, although she's still not as fast as my erection when she comes on screen in the philosophers stone.




Emma Watson has been banned 6 months for speeding. Riddikulus!




Emma Watson is a feminist icon and campaigner against misogyny.

Like most women she's also a fucking shit driver.

In her defence though it's not her fault she got banned - she hired a female solicitor.



I'm not surprised Emma Watson was banned for speeding .
I once saw her on a deepfake site.
She was doing 69




The Royal Family have a long tradition of producing quality & distinguished sportsmen & women

For example, King Charles won several polo tournaments. Zara & Princess Anne both represented Team GB at the Olympics

And Prince Andrew's latest love interest has just won her egg & spoon race



80s singer, musician and actor Leee John, is using his imagination to relaunch his career - as a magician.

He'll be known as Justin Illusion.




.Can’t for the life of me think why Tarzan, is the only movie Hollywood hasn’t ‘race swapped’, innit.




The Woman's Euro 2025 cup final is on 27th July and I'm sure everyone is asking the same question.

Who fucking cares?




I hope Emma Watson’s first day as a coach driver in Minehead went well today.



Does anyone know the score of the game between England Lionesses and Sweden?.

I missed the game. Only caught the Diana Ross tribute after.