Young death - Donations

[alexm]

oh man really I sound like I'm doing better?I guess im quite good at putting on a brave face. I don't cry or show I'm sad around anyone now(except on the net). I keep it to myself.But then I go to bed everynight at 1 in the morning and cry so much from the realisation that this is actually my life, that he's not coming back no matter how much I wish or dream it. I keep hoping I'll develop cancer or something so I can die and not feel guilty about it. The only thing I look forward to everyday is knowing I am one day closer to my death. Everything gets so much worse with everyday. It doesn't get easier. The day he died atleast I got to kiss him and hug him that morning, I got to hear him tell me he loved me. Now its been a month without any of those things.
I know people say you can move on and love again and maybe that is true but what is not true is that there will be another Alex. He was truly one of a kind, and somehow although we both had quite different personalities they complimented eachother, and when we were alone we became the same person, reading eachothers minds, always knowing how the other was feeling. I got up everyday for him, I lived for him, he bought hope and happiness into my life. When I was packing up the house I found throughout the living room little pokemon figurines from when Alex was younger hidden in random places throughout the living room. He put those there when we moved in for me to find just to make me laugh. He was that kind of person. He was immature and crazy but in such a hilarious way and always to make me laugh. Who else is gonna do something stupid like that just to make me smile? Who's gonna tell me everyday all day how beautiful I am, stretch marks and all?Who's gonna txt me every half hour of the day to ask how I am, how Connor is? Who's going to tell me about fifty times a day how much they love me?Who's going to give me such a beautiful, genuine smile? Who's going to come home from work and lift me into their arms even when I'm 6 months pregnant? Who's going to put their head on my pregnant belly again and tell our child how much he can't wait to meet them?Who's going to be with me every minute of the day and still be able to talk for hours and hours? Who's going to massage my head every night to make me fall asleep and then hold me in their arms? Who's going to wake up next to me, holding me,telling me how lucky they feel to wake up next to me? Who's going to be the most amazing dad to Connor?No one.No one can ever and will never. He was my everything. He was my life. I don't want to get over this grief, I don't want to get over him, I don't want to have to settle for someone else and second best when I had the perfect life. I don't want anyone else to hold Connor and be his Daddy. I hate my life now and all I live for is the thought of dying.I can't believe my beautiful Alex is gone. I can't accept it.I don't know what to do anymore.The one person who could make me feel better no matter what is the one whos gone

[Mrs Busa Pete]

oh man really I sound like I'm doing better?I guess im quite good at putting on a brave face. I don't cry or show I'm sad around anyone now(except on the net). I keep it to myself.But then I go to bed everynight at 1 in the morning and cry so much from the realisation that this is actually my life, that he's not coming back no matter how much I wish or dream it. I keep hoping I'll develop cancer or something so I can die and not feel guilty about it. The only thing I look forward to everyday is knowing I am one day closer to my death. Everything gets so much worse with everyday. It doesn't get easier. The day he died atleast I got to kiss him and hug him that morning, I got to hear him tell me he loved me. Now its been a month without any of those things.
I know people say you can move on and love again and maybe that is true but what is not true is that there will be another Alex. He was truly one of a kind, and somehow although we both had quite different personalities they complimented eachother, and when we were alone we became the same person, reading eachothers minds, always knowing how the other was feeling. I got up everyday for him, I lived for him, he bought hope and happiness into my life. When I was packing up the house I found throughout the living room little pokemon figurines from when Alex was younger hidden in random places throughout the living room. He put those there when we moved in for me to find just to make me laugh. He was that kind of person. He was immature and crazy but in such a hilarious way and always to make me laugh. Who else is gonna do something stupid like that just to make me smile? Who's gonna tell me everyday all day how beautiful I am, stretch marks and all?Who's gonna txt me every half hour of the day to ask how I am, how Connor is? Who's going to tell me about fifty times a day how much they love me?Who's going to give me such a beautiful, genuine smile? Who's going to come home from work and lift me into their arms even when I'm 6 months pregnant? Who's going to put their head on my pregnant belly again and tell our child how much he can't wait to meet them?Who's going to be with me every minute of the day and still be able to talk for hours and hours? Who's going to massage my head every night to make me fall asleep and then hold me in their arms? Who's going to wake up next to me, holding me,telling me how lucky they feel to wake up next to me? Who's going to be the most amazing dad to Connor?No one.No one can ever and will never. He was my everything. He was my life. I don't want to get over this grief, I don't want to get over him, I don't want to have to settle for someone else and second best when I had the perfect life. I don't want anyone else to hold Connor and be his Daddy. I hate my life now and all I live for is the thought of dying.I can't believe my beautiful Alex is gone. I can't accept it.I don't know what to do anymore.The one person who could make me feel better no matter what is the one whos gone

Anika you are going to far ahead love just one day. I for one am not saying you are going to meet someone else and have all that again that is way to soon to be even thinking about and you are going to be still hurting it does not go away over night not even in a month.

Take care love
Wendy

[Sharry]

Anika you have described such a beautiful relationship, Alex was a wonderful person and you may never find another Alex as we, including yourself, are all individuals that can never be replaced.

I am relieved to see you talking in a way that puts your death in the the distant future. The feelings you describe are normal and natural

Just manage one day at time sweetie, don't think too far ahead at this time.

[ynot slow]

Had to think about really saying far worse words than You don't want cancer.Because it is not always a death sentance.

[caseye]

Anika, hello, your doing Ok , truely you are. People you know perhaps even just people from here may have said some of those things to you, or around you.
Sharry is right, no one who has kept in touch and listened to your words and replied to you has said those things, we at least do know that no One can or will ever replace your Alex.
While it hurts to hear your cry for him, it also makes me a littel less concerened for your well being in the immediate future.
I'm sorry, but what you are going through has happened before, again it;s normal to feel this way.
You need to really really know that too, I guess thats why we keep saying, one day at a time girl.
Not one of us expects or wants you to forget that wonderful guy, we do want to know that in due course you will as you have been doing find a way to come back to the present and take life on fully once more.
There is no time limit for that to happen in, but ultimately it is what we hope for , for you, Connor Alex's family and your friends.
Take care and as always, remember we;re only a keyboard away, till you need or want something we can provide or do for you.
Mark.

[alexm]

Does anyone know Harley's (the guy who witnessed the accident) contact details? I've been wanting to talk to him about the accident. serious crash unit could take a while to have a report and i really want to know exactly what happened or I keep wondering about it

[Dutchee]

The person's nickname is "HARLEYC".
You can do a search for him using the search post and send him a PM. Hopefully someone will be able to come up with a real phone number or something else so he can contact you.
http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/sh...=108174&page=3
is where he posts about seeing Alex's tragic accident.
Best wishes and we all still think about you often. The offer of a shoulder to cry on is still there if you need it. You are doing better than you think and it's still going to take plenty of time. As others have said, one day at a time. Don't think too far ahead or you'll hit a wall.
Lots of love
Michelle

[alexm]

I did message him on here but I think he only joined for the purpose of writing about what happened to Alex

[PrincessBandit]

There will never be a person to replace Alex, just as there would never be a person to replace you Anika. When my best friend lost her 3 month old baby she was told by some wellmeaning people to try and have another baby as quickly as possible to fill the void that her son left - she was horrified. And rightly so. There is no way one person can ever replace another, and I don't think anyone here would mean to say that to you. At this place in your life it is completely understandable that you cannot contemplate anyone else at your side. Just by being here each day, writing, sharing with us, looking after your wee boy is a major achievement and not to be discarded as trivial or unworthy.

You may not feel your life has any value or meaning with your love gone but that is not true. Your family, friends and people here who have never met you in person are only a pm or call away if you need.

[Nasty]

Does anyone know Harley's (the guy who witnessed the accident) contact details? I've been wanting to talk to him about the accident. serious crash unit could take a while to have a report and i really want to know exactly what happened or I keep wondering about it

He will receive you PM via email ... so if you pop in it your contact details i am sure he will be able to respond. Although properly not by PM ... give him your email address or phone # ... he is a good guy.

[JimO]

I keep hoping I'll develop cancer or something so I can die and not feel guilty about it. The only thing I look forward to everyday is knowing I am one day closer to my death. I hate my life now and all I live for is the thought of dying.

how about you think of your child, your life isnt over neither is his

[alexm]

cool another jerk who states the obvious.I do realise I am alive simply wishing I wasnt. And thanks for implying I dont care about my child and obviously you havent lost a spouse or you wouldnt comment such stupid things.Honestly I couldnt give less of a fuck if you think I'm selfish or stupid and it times like this I wonder why there are so many assholes alive and alex had to die and yes im having a fucking awful day sorry to others who have been really supportive i thank you

[Nasty]

cool another jerk who states the obvious.I do realise I am alive simply wishing I wasnt. And thanks for implying I dont care about my child and obviously you havent lost a spouse or you wouldnt comment such stupid things.Honestly I couldnt give less of a fuck if you think I'm selfish or stupid and it times like this I wonder why there are so many assholes alive and alex had to die and yes im having a fucking awful day sorry to others who have been really supportive i thank you

They are generally that way because they don't know ... they don't know how it is to loose half you soul ... they don't know that its bloody hard to breath let alone think about a way forward ... they just have no idea ... and that sort of thing happens a lot ... you have to learn to live again .. and that in itself is just fucking hard ... you have to learn how to get thoughts out through the mire that is happening in your brain ... and learn how to be you again without the benefit of your complementing partner ... its hard ... but its a path that a few of us have been on ... we are here to support you to do that ...

[boman]

They are generally that way because they don't know ... they don't know how it is to loose half you soul ... they don't know that its bloody hard to breath let alone think about a way forward ... they just have no idea ... and that sort of thing happens a lot ... you have to learn to live again .. and that in itself is just fucking hard itself ... you have to learn how to get thoughts out through the mire that is happening in your brain ... and learn how to be you again without the benefit of your complementing partner ... its hard ... but its a path that a few of us have been on ... we are here to support you to do that ...

You took the words right out of my mouth. Qudos to you.

[JimO]

cool another jerk who states the obvious.I do realise I am alive simply wishing I wasnt. And thanks for implying I dont care about my child and obviously you havent lost a spouse or you wouldnt comment such stupid things.Honestly I couldnt give less of a fuck if you think I'm selfish or stupid and it times like this I wonder why there are so many assholes alive and alex had to die and yes im having a fucking awful day sorry to others who have been really supportive i thank you

get some help, for your childs sake