Friday jokes

[Smifffy]

Could be amusing....

[blackdog]

" Morning Passion"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[Swoop]

Where you sit on the bus says a lot about the type of person you are. For instance, if you sit in the driver's seat, you are probably a fat, ignorant prick who lacks driving skills...

[_Shrek_]

Where you sit on the bus says a lot about the type of person you are. For instance, if you sit in the driver's seat, you are probably a fat, ignorant prick who lacks driving skills...

so you're a bus driver then

[Banditbandit]

In 1991 three kids were playing in the train-way in Sydney when they were hit by a train. They all go to heaven and God says to them, "You weren't supposed to die, you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you, I'll let you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump off of that cloud over there, and as you're flying back down to Earth, shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be."


The first kid takes a running leap and shouts "Lawyer" and so, 20 years later, he is a very successful lawyer, making lots of money, with an upcoming appointment to the Bench.


The second kid takes his turn and shouts "brain surgeon" and so, 20 years later, he is the most admired man in his field of medicine and making a ton of money saving lives.


The third kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and stumbles off the cloud muttering "stupid clumsy arsehole." 20 years later, he's playing 1st five for the Wallabies.

[_Shrek_]

POLITICALLY INCORRECT (But freakin funny)

In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Arabs and Abos is not the correct answer.

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

A new Muslim clothing shop opened here in Westfield, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a moustache".

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk .... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

The red cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.

[bogan]

A wife was standing in the kitchen...........

5 posts between a repost, is that a new record?

[Banditbandit]

5 posts between a repost, is that a new record?

Sorry .. made the classic mistake of not ready back ... gone now ..

[Daffyd]

Top job Ted ......

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Three Rugby Coaches – Robbie Deans, Martin Johnson and Graham Henry - are invited to heaven watch the World Cup final with God.


God decides who will sit next to him by asking each of them the same question.


God asks Deans first: "What do you believe?"





Deans says, "I believe in hard work and staying true to family, teammates and friends."


God is impressed by Deans and offers him a seat to his left.


God then turns to Johnson and asks, "What do you believe?"





Johnson says, "I believe loyalty, discipline, courage and honour are the fundamentals of life."


God is again impressed and offers the Englishman a seat to his right.


Finally, God turns to Henry: "What do you believe?"





Henry says, "I believe you're in my seat."



I hope God has a sense of humour

[MSTRS:Me]

I like long walks. Especially when they're taken by someone who annoys me.

[_Shrek_]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road,"
Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call.."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right,"replies the barman.

"The circus?"the duck asks again "with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies..

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck..

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ........


"What the f... would they want with a plasterer??!"

[Banditbandit]

Which reminds me ....

A gorrilla walks into a bar and orders a handle.

The barman rushes out he back to his manager "Hey, a gorrilla just walked in and ordered a handle. What do I do?"

"Well,"says the manager says .. "pour him one ..."

The barman returns to the bar, pours the handle and hands it to the Gorrilla. The Gorilla hands the barman a $20 note.

The barman rushes back to the manager - "The Gorilla just gave me a $20 note. What do I do now?"

"Give him $5 change and strike up a conversation," replies the manager.

The barman returns to the bar, hands the gorilla $5 and says "We do't get many gorillas in here ..."

The gorrilla replies ... "At $15 a handle, that's not surprising" .

[Swoop]

Justin Bieber: "Judge me on my music, not malicious rumours!"

You're not exactly helping yourself there, Justin...

[Stirts]

Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye. The teacher was concerned and asked, "What's wrong?"

"Our house is very small. Me, my mum and my dad all sleep on the same bed. Last night my dad asked, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' When I said 'No', he slapped my face and gave me a black eye."

The teacher said, "The next time your dad asks if you're sleeping, keep dead quiet and don't answer."

The following morning Johnny came back with two black eyes.

The teacher, by now very worried, asked, "My god, why have you now got two black eyes? I thought I told you to say nothing."

Johnny replied, "Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' and I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad and my mum started moving, you know, at the same time, and mum was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, 'Are you coming?' Mum said, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' Dad answered, 'Yes!'

They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, "Wait for me, I'm coming too..."'

[Swoop]

I saw a fat bird down the pub, her T-shirt said - Watch out, I'm a maneater!

I went up to her and said "Excuse me love, about your T-shirt slogan."

She stopped me and angrily said "Oh let me guess, you want to know how many men I've eaten?! Well I can't help my size you know!"

I said "Actually no, I wasn't going to say that at all."

She looked happier and smiled as she said "Oh yes, what did you want to say then?."

"That's not how you spell Manatee."