Friday jokes

[haydes55]

People can be so easy to read. Like if their face is red, they're embarrassed. Or if their skin is brown, they're about to commit a crime.

[Juniper]

Anyone who says marriage is an equal partnership is talking utter bollocks.

I gave up my mates, my motorbike, drinking, drugs, gambling...

All she gave up was fucking sex.

[Juniper]

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him
back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy,
"You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for
three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The indians get his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps
the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse
comesback with a naked blonde.
She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The
Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only think
one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The indians bring him
his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something
in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the
horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the
teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die
tomorrow ... can only think one thing." The last day comes, and the
chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him
his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard
and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

[Juniper]

1. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"Your room looks like a tornado hit it."
2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.
"You better pray that comes out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."
4. My mother taught me about OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
5. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, I can take you out."
6. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in the world who don't have wonderful parents like you."
7. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when we get home."
8. My mother taught me about GENEOLOGY.
"Shut that door... You think you were raised in a barn?"
9. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids... I hope they turn out just like you!"
10. My mother taught me about LOGIC.
"Because I said so, That's why."
11. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until your spinach is gone."
12. My mother taught me about IRONY.
"Keep crying. I'll give you something to cry about."

[Stirts]

A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop-dead gorgeous female sales assistant behind the counter.
He walks up to the counter where she's standing, unzips his fly, and places his dick on the counter.

"What are you doing, sir?" she asks. "This is a clock shop!"

"I know it is," he replies. "And I'd like two hands and a face put on THIS!"

[Swoop]

When the first Indian astronaut stepped onto the surface of Mars he found no signs of life.

By the time the second one stepped out of the spaceship there was a corner shop and a curry-house.

[roogazza]

For tomorrow the 8th.

[roogazza]

[Akzle]

[/ATTACH]

That should be in the sickest jokes.

Ah. The future is bright, no?

[Juniper]

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

[Swoop]

Congratulations on India being the first country to send a rocket to Mars.
Before having a sewage system.


Following India announcing it intends to send a rocket to Mars, NASA said it feared for the safety of the 500 astronauts who will be sitting on the roof of the craft during take-off.


"Calcutta we have a problem".
Please hold.... your call is important to us.


Also:

[Banditbandit]

The new Royal Baby, George, has already done three of the things on my bucket list.

1. Became a billionaire

2. Met the Queen

3. Sucked Kate Middleton’s tits

[Swoop]

NEWSFLASH!!!

The Americans have developed a new type of rocket that constantly updates its Facebook status until it reaches its target.

It's an attention-seeking missile.

[YellowDog]

A virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido, was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile:

Data was-a belissimo "So, you-a finish too?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No."

Surprised and worried he’s losing his touch, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "now-a ara you-a finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but refusing to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "Now-a you-a finish, yes?"



Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear..... "No, I’m Norwegian.

[YellowDog]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million . His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing 10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million is that he embezzled from me." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger, you fat ugly dick-less bastard."