What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

When I picked my son up from football training, the coach said "I think he'll be a regular Gary Lineker when he gets older."
"Really", I replied, "you think he's that good at football."
"No, I didn't mean football, he's just becoming a right little cunt!"



A new movie adaptation reimagines Robin Hood as a black man.

He steals from the bitch, and gives to the ho.


Ant and Dec have been sent to Sudan as part of a desperate attempt by the government to help some badly needed NHS doctors escape that country.
?Why Aye Man? said Ant, or it might have been Dec, when the Foreign Secretary put the request to them, ?nay problem? said Dec (or Ant?it?s difficult to tell which one is which now that one of them no longer wears handcuffs) ?but it?ll cost a stottie and two Greggs sausage rolls?. ?An a saveloy dip with pease pudding?? added the other one to an increasingly confused Foreign Secretary.




Which account is the most blocked on Twitter?

The National Constipation Society.




It's a sign of the times, that there's illiterate and dyslexic people who suddenly know what their fucking pronouns are.




What goes quick?

A duck from New Zealand.




As I watched this large man in a tight leotard with his tuck coming undone gyrating around in front of an audience with many under 18 clearly in attendance, I said, "Is there anything they won't push this drag queen shite on ?"

Turned out it was just the actual 'Beyonce'



Why don't ants get Covid?

Because they have these little antibodies....




My niece texted me this morning: "I'm never gonna dance again."

So I replied, "Guilty feet have got no rhythm."

Turns out she'd been knocked down by a bus.


What's the difference between a rock band and a jazz band?

A rock band plays three chords in front of 50,000 people. A jazz band is pretty much the other way round.


I'm not saying Newcastle women are sluts, but last time a flasher exposed himself there some chick had his cock in her mouth before he could get his coat back shut.

Holly Johnson announces reunion for the Eurovision Song Contest.

A rail strike is then announced for the same day of the competition.

Looks like Frankies Going Nowhere.





So boys who else has suffered a wrist strain watching Mirra Andreeva in the tennis?



Police in London have stopped using tear gas and pepper spray in favour of Ariel Ultra for use during riots.
According to the manufacturers it's guaranteed to stop colours running.

[Piper]

Why did it take so long
before there was any
female astronauts?

"Houston we have a
problem."

"What?"

"Never mind."

"What's the problem?"

"Nothing."

"Please tell us."

You know what the
problem is. "


If anyone wants a list of
my favourite Bugs Bunny
quotes, I'll send them to
you on a WhatsApp doc.


I wouldn't say my nephew
is thick but when his
teacher asked him if he
could name a famous
dictator he said King
Edward.


You can tell how old
someone is by asking
them how much they paid
for their driving lessons...


How do dragons blow out
candles?


I asked my date, "do
you have any favourite
books?"
She said, "yea, 1984"
I said, "wow, that many?"


I went into my local and
for once I fancied a man
like beverage, so I asked
for a pint of real ale.
I lost control of myself
when the nice young
barman pulled me off a
good head.
Oooooooh


My father used to say :
Better out than in.
Great bloke, lousy prison
guard.

[Piper]

I was telling a female
colleague that my
nickname for the Mrs. is
'Jelly Bean.'
She said, "Aw, that cute,
how did that come about? '
You should've seen the
look on her face when I
replied,' Because every
time we shag she smeart
lots of KY onto her clit. '


I was practising some
conversational French
with my wife, and I told
her she should say" I
Brush my Teeth " as " Je me
brosse less dents. "
" Or in your case, I added
just 'Je me brosse le
dent. "


A sperm donor, a
carpenter and Julius
Caesar walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he
conquered!


It must have been a great
day in the Deep South,
when Blavks were finally
allowed to play Whites at
chess.
A lot easier than when the
pieces were all white.


Q: What's the similarity
between a Black man and
a Motorbike?

A: They both work a lot
better with chains...

P. S I am in no way as you
might think of as a racist,
sextet or oin anyway.

[Bikkie]

"Morning Paddy."
"Morning.Fourth of May
be with you."



A joke for May the 4th

"Yoda,it's tooo tight,I can't
get it in"
( Yoda in a sinister voice )
"Use some force Luke"




Did you know Yoda had a
last name?
Layheehoo.




Luke Skywalker's sister
was a bit hard of hearing.
So HanSolo gave her a
Cock-Leia implant.





Why does princsss Leia keep
her hair tied up in buns?
So it doesn't Hang so-low






Luke: What's for dinner tonight,Dad?

Anakin: Wookie steak.

Luke: Is it any good?

Anakin: It's a little chewy



"Can we introduce a third party to the bedroom?" questioned my wife.

"Absolutely not," I replied, "I will not allow another man to put their cock inside you."

She said, "Right...okay, well our decorator is here to do some work..."




I asked my mum when I was a kid what the difference between a mistake and a deliberate mistake was,

"Well she said, a deliberate mistake is when you do something wrong on purpose so you're not asked to do it again, and a mistake, well here's a mirror. "




Life without women would be a pain in the arse.





Britons have been invited to swear allegiance to King Charles at the Coronation.

Dunno about that, but if I see Prince Andrew I might swear some allegations at him.





With the new Arcturus strain now in the UK, this Saturday's Coronation parties will certainly live up to their name.



Why was Noddy unhappy?

Because Big Ears didn?t want to play Cum On Feel The Noize at the Coronation.





Ed sheeran vows to quit music if he is found guilty of copyright. Fingers crossed ??



Lawrence of Arabia walks into a newsagent's & says, "20 fags please mate"

"Camel's ok?"

"Mind yer own fucking business"



Make sure you're never mistaken again for Eric Clapton or Bob Marley by simply shooting the deputy.



Why is a black dad never there?

They don't know they are one.



What's the difference between a shed and a hut?

A shed didn't order the execution of Luke Skywalker.



what does a dildo and tofu have in common?

there both meat substitutes





Diners at a sushi house in Abbey Road were forced to flee after a gang threatened staff with knives and set fire to the restaurant.

They came in through the bathroom window.




Puma pants.

I did that once.

[Piper]

A partial Coronation
itinerary for Queen
Consort Camilla has been
circulated to Royal staff :

Balmoral, then into the
Bentley onto Pall Mall, via
the Embassy, Diplomat
and Consulate, finishing
with Picadilly then the
Sovereign.

What cigarettes the new
Queen will be smoking
after the ceremony, to be
announced later.



Apparently King Charles
has an 11.9 inch cock.
He's not quite the ruler
Camilla was hoping for.


Does anyone know when
the Coronation will end.?..
I need to set my alarm.


Royalists will be happy
tomorrow, the King's
Coronation will certainly
please the asses!
Oops, I meant the masses.


Bloody nightmare
just to get Corgi
Registered..... first
you have to have a
Coronation...


I'm off to Coronation
Street party this weekend.
I think I'll go as Vera
Duckworth.


"We should all swear
allegiance to King
Charles"

"Ear Ear"

"Eh?"

"... I mean Hear Hear"

[Bikkie]

I was relieved when the procession horses disappeared from the screen, because the dog finally stopped barking at them.

Then I realised we still have hours of Camilla to contend with.



I wonder if that annoying ginger cunt who everyone hates, and his stupid girlfriend are going to the Kings coronation ceremony.



Ah yes. All of the past prime ministers just arrived at Westminster.

Seems fitting that the coronation should be attended by everyone who has royally fucked the country up in recent years.



Just been to the Tower of London to look at the Crown Jewels. There's fuck all there.
Obviously some black cunt's wogged them away.




The nation celebrates as long-term unemployed man finally gets a job.



Massive street party on our street today.

Fuck all to do with the coronation, the Pakis at number sixteen are fucking off.



Noncey Goes To The Cathedral (2023) - by Enid Blyton

Noncey: What are you doing today, Big Ears?
Big Ears: I'm having a big, sparkly hat fitted.
Noncey: I'm hoping that I can still fit into my little one.




Glad there is a Coronation today.

At least Frank Lampard will get a rest from the media





London, U.K. round about noon, in an old cathedral, a geriatric man removed his fur coat and stripped down to his boxers before the entire congregation before being led away by a bemused archbishop.
Police later appealed for more witnesses but believed it was probably just another failure of care in the community.



Since King Charles III is now defender of the Protestant faith in the United kingdom I assume he will start doing missionary work in various UK cities such as Leeds, Bradford and Liecester as well as several in towns in Lancashire, not forgetting amongst the papists in Northern Ireland.


The coronation between King Charles III and Queen Camilla was filmed in 3D.

Experts say this is terrible news for King Charles' ears...
I set all my devices to French to help study my foreign language skills.



It was a bit hilarious then when my wife was trying to catch some of the useless inbred cunt's coronation, and the picture stalled a bit and the caption read "L'ecran est mis en tampon."



Wonder if Prince Andrew will be having a Coronation chick in tonight?



Seeing him in the big purple hat, Prince Charles is looking more like his Mother every day.



Dismal weather in London today for the Coronation of King Chaz.

Good to see he's got his hat on ready for the reign.




It was a good job King Charles had big ears to stabilise the Crown, otherwise the Crown would have fallen off his head!




Seems that ginger knob Harry is whinging about being in row 10 at the Coronation. Doubt if his Dad even got an invite.





The Royal Mint are having problems distributing the new King Charles commemorative five pound coins, as they can't fit them into the display boxes, should have made the boxes to a shape that looked more like a miniature World Cup!




Is everyone okay? I just heard there was a nuking in London.



Nice to see the darkie singing group at the Coronation. Didn?t think much of their song though - Camptown races would have been much better.




Monarchs....... They don't make um like they used to. We got 70 years of trouble free use out of the last one before it finally broke. But this one looked second hand and worn out before we'd even fitted it !



Sat down to watch the Coronation, got my cock out ready when Penny Mordaunt appeared....
....Then Camilla was being crowned. The service finished, but I didn't.




All those bone idle cunts years ago who wanted to be Coronation Day flag sellers.
I hope you fuckers are at work!




Why was Noddy unhappy?

Because Big Ears didn’t want to play Cum On Feel The Noize at the Coronation.




Today there's no one alive who fucked the queen....
Tomorrow after Camilla gets coronated though we'll be in double figures,





It’s May, where it may snow, it may be sunny, it may be hot, it may be cold, it may rain all day or it may not.



Think Heinz knew about the 57 varieties of gender long before the rest of us.



China's population is peaking.

No, you fuck off.




Just seen an advert showing me how to sound like Ed Sheeran.

It was easy, all I had to do was learn a Marvin Gaye number.



My mate has a really bad stutter.
By the time he told us his nanna had died we were all singing Hey Jude



When a stallion has too much Testosterone, cut its bollocks off and it calms right down.

Why can't we do that with Trans activists?.





The actor, who played Spiderman, was indecisive about being in the new William Shakespeare play?

Tobey or not Tobey

[Piper]

Actress Adjoa Andoh
was allowed to lament
'the terrible white balcony'
during Coronation
coverage on the BBC
I think you'll find all
balconies are white love.
They don't have them in
countries that haven't
mastered the second
storey.


When the Queen died it
was an end of an era. And
the start of an Ear-er.


What do dyslexic racists
hate?
Gingers.

[Bikkie]

Robert De Niro - The Oddfather



Robert de niro, a father at 79.
Always thought he has a good pair of raging balls.

Oooooooh.


# Robert De Niro's mating #





Robert De Niro has become a father again at the age of 79.

Some people say that's way too old, but at least he's used to changing nappies.



Yanks.

It's called watching a film, not a movie.

It's filmed on film, not movied on movie.

Duran Duran were correct.



The plot of Bad Boys 4.
Will Smith has to kill every man who had sex with his wife.

It's going to have the biggest body count in Hollywood history.





What have covid vaccines and Jimmy Saville got in common? You have to be careful they don't give you a stroke






In England, they will take a tree, cut it down, remove the branches and the bark until they are left with a cylinder. Next, they will take the cylinder of wood and turn it on a lathe and whittle away until they are left with a perfectly formed bat. The bat will be cured and treated to strengthen it and then, when it is finally ready, they will use it to knock a leather ball around a park.

In Scotland, they just throw the fucking tree.





So they tanned his hide when he died Clyde,and that's it hanging on the shed.

Might be a bit presumptuous with this one...


Who would be in advertising?. Firstly the straight customers stop buying Bud light because there's a tranny on the can. Then, LGBTQ bars refuse to sell it because the tranny is dropped.

How do you know which way to turn?.



Budweiser Light - Drink Responsibly.

Doctors advise: caution, may cause you to wake up with anal bruising

I had to find out the hard way that a local shop often mistaken for a barber, is in fact a brothel

When I went in and asked for a number 2 all over


I just saw Quinten going home with a big black guy.

That'll put some colour in his cheeks, oooooh.



After another row between us my wife broke the silence by saying, "This isn't working, is it?"
It was like a huge weight had been lifted of me and I turned to her and said, "Thank God you feel the same way! The thought of living in a loveless marriage for another 20 years was overwhelming me. I'll get the divorce proceedings kicked off first thing in the morning."
As tears welled up in her eyes, she replied, "I was talking about the microwave."



I'm really getting pissed off with my Muslim neighbour.

He's getting on my goat



I was on a date with this bird and she told me she loves it 'greek style'.

Sadly she was just talking about yoghurt.




After Penny Mordaunt reveals painkillers and comfy shoes got her through carrying the coronation sword, TV viewers credit morphine and tramadol with getting them through the coronation concert. Or even coronation street for that matter.



I have a Chinese friend who is loyal but rude.

His name is Fuk Yoo.




63 Earths can fit inside Uranus.
64 if you relax.


A survey has revealed that 8 percent of American adults believe they could beat an elephant in unarmed combat.

Well, to be fair, quite a few of them have a significant weight advantage.





Son told me he saw 2 black birds fighting over bread on the way home from school.
I asked 'where. in the park?'
He said no, in New World by the checkouts



Left the house for work this morning, only to find that all four tyres on my SUV had been let down.

There was a note on my windscreen that read, 'Just Stop Oil has taken another gas-guzzler off the road!'

So I plugged my tyre pump into the lighter socket and reinflated them. Took me all of five minutes, but the drain on the battery meant I had to run the engine the whole time. Well done, Just Stop Oil, that's done the planet a lot of fucking good.



My wife left me because she "needed more space".

Bitch is working for NASA now.


Disney execs baffled that Mario movie made $1 billion without any trans goombas.


The trouble didn't start after Eve ate the apple. It was after she ate the mushroom. That's when the snake started talking.




Why do they put white bits in black pudding?....
To stop niggers biting their fingers




What do dyslexic racists hate?

Gingers




When the Queen died it was the end of an era. And the start of an Ear-er


I just found out recently that, unlike Scotch Whisky, Irish Whiskey has an e in it.
That explains Paddy down the pub's incoherent blabbering.



I'm a white boy but I identify as a black kid.

My dad fucked off as soon as I was born.



As I laid on top of my large spherical wife last night after orgasm, I felt like I was "On the Moon."

Boldly going where every black man has been before.



It doesn't matter why the chicken crossed the road, what's important is it was pure poultry in motion.




BIG SAVE are crafty bastards.

I bought a 2 seater sofa last week because they said that there would be 50% off.

They've just delivered a one seater.

[Piper]

I wonder if Elton John's
kids were able to find a
'Happy Mother's Gay'
card.


Happy Mother's Day to all
my one night stands.


Took some flower seeds around
to my mother's on Mother's Day.
Didn't want to be seen walking
down the street with a bunch
of flowers in hand.


"Thanks for the Mothers
Day card Son and thanks
for writing 'You're the best
Mum in Clapham' that's
lovely, but why has my
flowers got a sympathy
Note?"


Black kid hands over his
Mother's Day card and says,
"Here you go Mum."

"Thank you son"

He asks, "Mum do we
have a Father's Day?"

She says, "Yes we all have
a father for one day."


Raise your glass in a
toast to all the mums on
Mother's Day, if they didn't
drink a stiff one before
conceiving you they
certainly had a stiff one
while conceiving you.

[Piper]

I bought a ticket to see
Elton John in concert in
his final world tour. Just
to be absolutely fucking
sure.


"Darling, have you seen
the dog bowl?"
"No, I had no idea he could
bowl."


Dyslexic Dave Myers loves
skiing.


Depending on the time
of the week they say the
average hotdog stand
goes through 200-400
Wieners in a night just like
your mum when she was
in her prime.


I like where I live.
The only time I see a
black person is on the
Television.


Trans women aren't really
women.
If you ask me they're too
big for their boots.


What do you call a
Chinese Bob Marley fan?
Wei Xaming.


My girlfriend been going
down on me every day for
The past month, I think I
need a puncture repair kit.





What's the lesbian's
equivalent of a cock block?
A Beaver dam.


According to the office
for National statistics, the
number of herion addicts
is shooting up.



"It's quite murky today,
expecting it to be damp
for the next few days.
Hopefully clearing up by
the weekend."
Optimistic stuff from the
Doctor as she finished
looking at my cock and
writing the prescription
after my latest dose.


SAVE THE PLANET!
It's the only place you can
get beer!


" What's the first record
you bought with your own
money? "
" How many hotdogs I
could eat in a minute."


The wife thinks I'm
Jewish.
Just before licking her out
this morning, I said, "Yum
Kipper.".

What do you call a soldier
with no legs?
Army.


Why are there 4
unnecessary letters in
"Queue", when it only
makes the Q longer?


The word "queue" is ironic.
It's just a "Q" with a bunch
of silent letters waiting in a
line.


My wife for some reason
sent me a pic where she
was completely nude
except for wearing a
policemen's hat and she
was holding a set of
handcuffs... she texted
with the pic, "If lusting
over my body is a crime,
would you boy arrested? "
I texted back," I've spent
the first 60 years of my life
not in jail or prison and I
fully intend to die a free
man. "


My daughter's black
boyfriend boasted with
pride that he'll go his
entire lifetime and never
have a job.
"What?.... have they
now officially reclassed
you as Antique Fam
Equipment?"


Women are like spiders.
I don't mind the petite
ones that don't cause a
fuss but the big hairy ones
can fuck right off.


Studies have shown,
100% of car crashes are a
women's fault...
55% of the time she's
driving and the other 45%
of the time she's walking
down the street dressed
provocatively.


A good friend has just
been fired from his job
with the 999 Emergency
call centre in London.
A man called Abdul
phoned and said, "I'm
depressed and lying on
the railway track waiting
for the train to come, so
that I can finally meet
Allah."
Apparently, "Remain calm
and stay on the line..." was
the wrong response.

[Piper]

My wife left me because
she said I was obsessed
with James Bond, I was
shaken but not stirred.


My Dad said Always ask
before you take.
Great Dad lousy thief.


A boa constrictor can
dislocate its jaw to handle
larger meat.
Just like your mum.


My wife just gave birth
today and after thanking
the doctor, I pulled him
aside and sheepishly
asked, "How soon do you
think we'll be able to have
sex?" He winked at me and
said, "I'm off duty in ten
minutes, meet me in the
carpark.


Me and my mate used to
do doorwork at a pub near
a convent.
We asked if they needed
the whole martial arts
team to keep the peace
but they said they'd be
happy with just a couple
of nun chuckers.


As I was close to climax
in the bedroom last night,
my fat wife shouted at me,
"Give me the motherload!"
"Fuck off, that's why I
invited your mother in here
for a threesome in the first
place."


Asian actor, Simu Liu, is
to play the Ken doll in the
new Barbie movie.
Wouldn't it have been
easier to just get Ken-doll
Nagasaki?


I always carry a picture
of my wife and kids in my
wallet.
It always reminds me of
why there's no money in it.

[Piper]

The New Male: A-Z Dating Guide...

Athletic.No tits...

Beautiful. Pathological liar...

Contagious smile. Takes a lot of pills...

Dynamic. Depressed...

Emotionally secure. On
medication /Frequent
Psychiatric Visits...

Free Spirit. Junkie /Hippie... Gentle... I will
be single forever...

Honest Eyes. I'll cheat on you and you'll
never know... hehehehe...

I love doing Yoga and running with my dog. A
really good lay...

Jovial Princess. Only child...

Kindness. Only calls herself a keeper...

Looking For A Man with
ambition. Gold digger...

Mentions the word "Love"
in any way shape or form. Clingy...

No Baby Daddy Drama. Baby Daddy Drama ( Lookout! )...


Outgoing. Loud and Embarrassing...

Passionate. Sloppy drunk...

Quick witted. Easy to anger...

Romantic. Annoying...

Spontaneous. Will Have sex anywhere...

Talented Liar. Unconditional... Been cheated on ( paranoid, clingy )

Voluptuous. Possibly Fat. Wants. Soul mate stalker...

Xany. Lazy and Bored quick...

Young at Heart. Father Issues...

Zest. Slept with everyone..

[Piper]

'... I spent last night
defrosting the fridge.
Or foreplay, as she likes to
call it.


Statistically worldwide
Nigerian Tinder is the
easiest dating app to
guarantee getting fucked.
Simply empty your bank
details and hey presto.


Darling,
I've bought the apparatus;
one knee-pad each and a
whistle I'll blow when it's
time to change ends...


I got sacked from United
Utilities call centre for
Hanging up on their pervo
customers. They kept
ringing up saying, "I got
sewage coming out of
manhole."


My son was in a physics
class when he was asked
to give an example of a
solid, a liquid and a gas.
Shit, piss and fart was not
what the teacher expected.


How do you get a Jewish
girls number?
Roll up her sleeve.


I always thought that
astrology was a load
of old bollocks, but a
new study has found
that by comparing the
horoscopes of gay men
from the 1980's with their
life expectancy outcomes,
there is a very strong
correlation.
Basically, if Mercury was
in Uranus at any point
in that decade, you're
probably dead by now.

[Piper]

As per beanflicker's post
right enough, the British
pound is not worth a wank
Nowadays.
The old ones with the
Queen on them were fine,
but I can't shoot my load
to Charles.


At a conference in NYC
a former high ranking
Mobster and Prince
Charles are having a
conversation, "Y know
what you see in movies
like The Godfather isn't all
that accurate to real Mob
life" says the mobster.
If you don't want to go
along with something we
wish to do you can relax - you
won't wake up with
a horse's head on the
pillow! "
" Let's leave my wife out
of this if you don't mind "
responds Charles.


I was in a local shop
the other day when the
Duchess of Cambridge
walked in. I thanked
her for supporting local
products and she looked
me straight in the eye
and said," wank my hairy
crutch " Actually she may
have said," thank you very
much" but because I'm
partially deaf, I suppose I’ll
never know.



According to a recent
survey, 20 of British
people use the internet
"almost constantly"
The other 80% only stop
using it when their wife
walks into the room.


If I could tell my younger
self anything I'd say enjoy
your teens.
That's what I'd tell my 40
year old self.


Apparently there is a
documentary on TV about
the G-spot, but I can't find
it...


Quinten has asked me to
help him out with some
issues settling up his
home PC.
He says his Zip is down,
his floppy keeps poking
out, and he feels he needs
more bytes on it.
( credit, Humphrey Littleton )


If you try to get through
life obeying the Ten
Commandments, you'll
probably end up on tablets
yourself.


BREAKING NEWS :

I've got TWO weeks to live.
The wife's going away for
a fortnight.


As my Grandad was
violently shaking and not
conscious to the world,
I said to Gran, "I think we
should unplug him."
"Indeed, he just hasn't
been the same since he's
bought this VR headset
for his porn."


I was once in the USA and
I head one young man
say to another, "You da
bomb?"
They were Muslims, so it
was a question.


"Hey Abudl what do you
call a camel with three
humps?"
"A prostitute.


I'm off to see my gay
friend later who has some
interesting birds in the
thicket.
He keeps a young chicken
but there are also wild
breeds there and I can't
wait to see his woodcock
pullet and swallow...

( credit : H. Lyttleton from I'm sorry I haven't a clue. )

[Piper]

Yesterday I saw a happy
Chinese couple pushing a
pink rosy cheeked baby in
a buggy.
It can't have been theirs.
After all two Wong's don't
make a white.


I'm off on an expedition to
find a cannibal tribe. I'm
sure I'll be safe though
I'm bringing my friend
Stew and his wife
Peaches.


During breakfast, my wife
said she was leaving me
because of my obsession
with Twitter.
I nearly choked on my
#brown.


I had to admit I'd got the
wrong end of the stick
about' petting zoos' when
I got chucked out of the
Lama enclosure with my
stepladder, lipstick and tub
of swarfega...


My daughter's useless
black boyfriend that
auditioned for X-Factor
said he wanted to be
"Usher".
I did all I could to help the
failing jigaboo out and
got him a job at the local
cinema.


Her on Tik Tok : When you
find out the real reason
guys like sundresses ( and it's not because they're pretty )
Me: Who doesn't want
snacks that are easy to
unwrap?


I think I speak for all men
when I say:
It's only a four minute
video, fucking get on with
it.


'... I realised I was dyslexic
when I went to toga party
dressed as a goat'..


For women 'send me a
pic' is where you lose all
respect for him.
For men it's 'What's your
star sign'


If you put chicken
before any Italian football
players name, it sounds
like quite a nice dinner
Chicken Locatelli, chicken
Tonali, chicken Bonucci,
chicken Verratti.


When my wife packs for a
Holiday
She basically moves out...


Thank you to the mum
at Life Pharmacy with the three
screaming kids.
For reminding me to buy
condoms.

[Bikkie]

Ireland first to label alcohol with health warning.

Scotland leads the way in practical advice through naming their favourite tipple:

Commotion lotion
Good morning your honour
Cumbernauld rocket fuel and
What the fuck are you looking at

All of which can be used to purchase this healthy elixir and gives good advice as to the effects.



Guys, just because a woman smiles at you doesn't mean she's into you, what you?re experiencing is an optical delusion.




How does a black girl tell if she is pregnant? A: When she pulls the tampon out all the cotton is picked.



Why do goats head butt ?

To keep Muslims away from their kids ?




Went to sleep on my left side last night and dreamt I won 50 million on the lottery I woke up on my right side It must have been a rollover



I just found out that France has surrendered its hosting rights for the 2025 Rugby League World Cup.
Gee! It's not like France to surrender.



If someone says "Your chicken is unseasoned".

Remember to tell them their culture is underdeveloped.



Philip Schofields career in tatters

Bit like his boyfriends Arse




Me and my friends are having a competition between us who can steal the most from our local pet shop This week I managed to take the lead




What's the fastest way to get to the drummer's house?

A1
A2
A1234



What do you call two queer Irishmen?
Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael



What does AIDS stand for?
Anally injected death syndrome



My divorce settlement was like an Argentine footballer.

Messi.




The wife and I were playing poo sticks today.

We weren't at the Hundred Acre Wood.

We just threw branches with shit on at Bradford locals.



What's the definition of disgusting?

Shagging your granny then licking the sweat off her back.

Credit: Jerry Sadowitz




Philip Schofield is in talks with the BBC to present a new series of the clothes show.
I suppose It makes sense after he spent so long in the fucking closet.



I told my mate that I was playing a game and a couple of spades let me down. He asked what card game was it?

I said, 'Card game?' No, it was football and Leroy and Jamal were the culprits.

Phillip Schofield to leave ITV's This Morning with immediate effect,

Graham Norton has offered him a job but said he'll have to start at the bottom.




Are they ever gonna quit making fast & furious movies?

What's next? Fast 11 ?Never forget.?



At my funeral please take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who's next.



What have Arsenal FC and my wife got in common?
They get beaten regularly.




They say some women have been around the block.

In that case my ex is a bloody satnav.



Why did the trans man order salad?

Because he was a her before.



This morning: Phil Schofield has had to pull out.

Usual Saturday night for Phil then.



Phillip Schofield falls on his sword. A pork one presumably



Just phoned me local Kebab House.
Do ye deliver? I asked.
No, we do lamb, chicken & beef, innit boss.




Phillip Schofield to leave ITV's This Morning.

I'm sure he'll be back on top in no time.



In a way, the population of Britain is like dog poo.
Varying in shade from Black to light Brown plus, there were definitely more white ones in the past.




Voting Conservative is a lot like wanking.

Nobody admits to it but there are still a lot of wankers out there.





Meghan and Harry;s car chase shows it's time for King Charles to apologise and pay for security!

I mean if you really want a car crash then you need your own security team to make it happen



Do you ever wonder why Welsh greyhounds run so fast?

That's because they've seen what they do to their sheep




Arguing with my wife is like seeing a rock band in concert, she always starts with some new material.

But then goes back to the same shit I've heard a thousand times before.



This year I've been told the kids would love new tablets for Christmas.

I can't wait to see their little faces when they open their Tramadol and Codiene.




I once had a job where I had near death experiences almost every day.

I was a traffic warden.



I'm not a gynecologist,
But I'll take a look.



I always pour whiskey on the rocks.

Probably why no one buys drugs from me.



The wife told me the cat needed to be chipped.

I only had a nine iron, but I still got it over the shed.



Harry mate, don’t sweat it. I bricked myself first time I went in a NYC cab too.




I went up to the black lady in the parking lot that does the "mandatory diversity training," and I asked her if I could buy some crack !

"It's cus i's black, innit !?"

"Not at all, I figure you have to be high as a fucking kite after you said in there 'Every single institution in this country serves only to benefit straight white men !'."



The wife and I have regular sex.

Blue moons are regular.




Intelligence is like underwear.

It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off




Kate Middleton reveals she is still 'learning to be a royal'.

Until she gets the hang of doing fuck-all, she'll never get there.



Tom Hanks is releasing his autobiography next month.

T.Hanks for the memories



Americans say red, white and blue are the colours of freedom, so why in my hired car in florida, did those colours flash behind me before a big cop used his baton on me and locked me up for three fucking days?



"My friend married an American record producer, rapper, singer, and songwriter."

"For real?"

"No, Pharrell."



Thieves have broken in to my house and stolen all my coffee, my Red Bull and my Monster energy drinks.
Honestly, I don’t know how they sleep at night.



Ed Sheeran’s new song reminds me of the girl I pulled in a club last night.

I must’ve also been dancing with my eyes closed



I hark from a time when women had breasts and no tattoos and men had tattoos and no breasts.


Ah well, such is the price of progress.

[Piper]

The wife was always
moaning that I'm lazy
and how I have it easy at
work, so we decided to
swap jobs for a day and
exchanged everything.
She got the sack.
I had coffee with the
girls, a lovely facial at
the spa and got my nails
done... before some bloke
named Leroy phoned and
asked me when we could
meet for a fuck again.


My colleague said to me
"I can't wait to get home,
rip the wife's panties off
and give her a right good
fucking. You?"
I replied, "No thanks, I've
seen her."


I've been buying birthday
cards for everyone at our
local Tourettes Society.
It's the thought that cunts.


My wife left me because
of my obsession with rugby.
I suggested we have another
try.


A smile is contagious ; just
smile at someone and see
their reaction.
For that extra bit of
excitement, do it with your
cock out.


There's a sign in the
window of my local estate
agents that says, 'We' ll sell
your house for $1,000:
Fuck that, I want at least a
hundred grand for mine.


I have to wear high heels
Everytime I'm changing
the light bulbs in the
house.
Either that or my wife
would have accused me
of cheating after she
found them under the bed.


If you watch the Batman
The dark knight trilogy as a
business lesson : you learn
that if you put a nigger in
charge he will bankrupt
your company.


What's the difference
between a nigger and a
trampoline?
You take off your shoes
before jumping on a
trampoline.


What do a device for
varying the brightness
of an electric light and a
sex change from male to
female have in common?
A dimmer switch.


Most of the girls in my
town are slappers.
When I try to chat them up
they slap me.


You know women are
genetically programmed
to blame everything on
the male species when
menopause starts with
those three letters.


Imagine titty sex...
just to get you into the
groove.


Any woman who would
mock a man for having
a tiny penis is, herself, a
massive cunt.


Feminism is the fast-food
of ideologies: mass
produced, low quality,
highly fattening garbage.



"Can a woman have a
penis?"
definitely a hard one.

[Piper]

Having nutrition
information on a bay of
crisps.
Is like having dating tips
on a box of Condoms.


I'd appreciate receiving
junk mail far more if it
actually came with pieces
of junk.


Dating is now:

Let's fuck...
Now we can hang around
and see if we annoy each
other...


Phoned my boss and
asked him if I could work
from home.
He said, "Don't be a cunt
Dave you're a fucking bus
driver."


What is a lesbians
favourite game?
Fastest finger first.


I'm not saying I've caught
some colour...
But I walked past a benefit
office yesterday and they
offered me a 3 bedroom
house, a leather jacket
and a mobile phone...


My daughter got a job in
the porn industry but I
don't think she'll last long.
She said she keeps
fluffing her lines.


What do trannys do at
meal time?
Tuck in.


'... Never buy a memory
foam mattress if you
cheat on your wife ;


Not many people know
that Beatrix Potter wrote
the first transgender
children's book.
Mrs Tiggs - Winkle..


Why do lesbians get jobs
as baristas?
Because they love
grinding beans.


'... Anybody on here with
specialist knowledge
regarding noisy
dishwashers? '
I've tried flowers,
chocolates, even wine and
she STILL won't shut the
fuck up.


Having sex with my wife is
like having sex with a wild
animal.
Unfortunately, it's a sloth.


I finally found the key to
happiness.
Well my key to the safe
Full of skunk.


Fat cunts at the gym.
If you stop eating so
much shit, you won't need
to diet.
Or exercise.

[Piper]

I have to say I was
surprised to hear that
Philip Schofield was
married to a woman.
He must really enjoy being
a groom.


Philip Schofield admits
the only cunt he's been
near in recent times is
Piers Morgan.


Apparently Rolf Harris's
ashes have been sprinkled
out at sea as per his dying
wish.
The exact location isn't
known but it's believed to
between two buoys.


Don't quote me on it but
I heard women can have
orgasms.


In that Diversity Training
this fat black lady doing it
boasted at me that "within
our lifetimes white people
like you will be minorites
in this country."
"Great.... living like Kings
off the public trough and
all sorts of other special
privileges."


Got attacked by a gang of
clowns on the way home
from the pub last night.
Thankfully my training
kicked in and I went
straight for the juggler.


How do you make a
woman scream twice
during sex?
Stick your cock up her
arse when she isn't
expecting it, then wipe
your knob on her curtains
on the way out.


If there is one thing that
I have learnt in life it is,
never let anyone tell you
what you can and can't
do.
Take Beethoven for
example, they told him
as a child he couldn't be
a musician because he
was deaf.... but he didn't
listen.


If you meet a woman
who admits she's wrong
apologies and changes
her ways, dump her
immediately... It's probably
a man!

[Bikkie]

Lewis Hamilton is said to be replacing Phillip Schofield on 'Ths Morning'.

A spokesman for Itv has said that he's the ideal candidate.

They both talk shit, both universally disliked and on the weekend they both end up with skid marks on their helmet!



Phillip Schofield gave a youngster a job.

A blowjob.



This brings a whole new meaning to getting your hole Phil'd?





Lionesses squad announced for women's World Cup, I cannot believe both maguire and calvert-lewin haven't made it.




A Scottish Sergeant Major, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. "How much to repair it?' he asks the chemist. "Six pence" says the chemist. "How much for a new one?" "Ten pence" says the chemist.

He painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

He marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face. "The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one





You might be gay if...

You tried a Bud Light once: Scientific studies show consuming this beverage has the ability to turn you gay at the cellular level.

You are a fan of the LA Dodgers: The gayest sports franchise in human history.

You are attracted to people of the same gender: On some occasions, this could be a warning sign of gayness.

Your wife shops at Target: Wives often bring the gay home and spread it to their husbands.

You drive a Ford truck: You really don't have to be that flamboyant, for goodness' sake.

Sometimes you have enjoyed country music: Oh--you didn't hear? It's gay now.

As a young person you experimented with Disney movies: Should never have done that.

You drink water: It already turned the frogs gay. You're next.

At any point in your life, you have consumed something made by a corporation: Just come out of the closet already!

You clicked on this list to see if you were gay: If you're reading this, I have some news for you.




Would anybody like to buy my wife's Tottenham hotspur bra? It doesn't have any cups though

Jack and Jill went up the hill,

To fetch a pail of water,

They were confronted on the way by a studenty-looking type with short blue hair, demanding to know why other gender identities and preferences were not being given equal representation on this journey.





What's the difference between people and chocolate?

You can still buy dark chocolate.





Apparently Beyonce sings To the Left To the Left as black people got no rights



I've just seen a sign in the gents' toilet at work that reads, "You're looking at the person responsible for your safety."

I didn't even know Roger from accounts was aware I existed.



My Geordie girlfriend found a pair of knickers in the glove box of the car.

"What the fuck are these?" she asked.

"Knickers," I replied.

"Oh, I've heard about them," she replied, "but I've never seen a pair."



Just bought a new telly to watch the premier league on next season, opened the box, but there's no Leeds in it!



i was doing some magic tricks at a kids party recently when one of the kids came up to me and said " hey mr, your no magician", i said " no, but your dad was, he soon disappeared when you were born"...




My dad always said he missed people a lot.
Great dad useless fucking assassin.



Thai owned Leicester men's team got relegated because they lacked balls.

On the other hand, the ladies team survived because they had balls.

[Piper]

Wow, June already
And we know what
that means - only 3 more
Emma Raducanu coaches
until Christmas!


Harry and Meghan
are going to stop
writing books, making
documentaries and doing
interviews because there's
nothing left to say.
That's like quitting
drinking because there's
no more to drink.


Philip Schofield is set
to rejuvenate his career
in China and has already
been assigned a personal
assistant.
He's called Yung Bum Fun


Serveral ITV employees
have now claimed that
they were under the
impression that Schofield
didn't even like the young
Runner.
As he was often heard to
say, "He really sucks, that
kid."


Philip Schofield asked
Holly what she thought
would happen if he was
sent to prison.
"Oh," said Holly, "you'll
probably be in the shit."


Philip Schofield is to
appear in Panto this
coming Christmas.
He will play the part of
Jafar in Alladin.


Would anybody like to
buy my wife's Tottenham
Hotspur bra? It doesn't
have any cups though.


What's the difference
between Tottenham
Hotspur and a fancy
restaurant?
The restaurant has
silverware.


One reason men have
filthy minds is that we
don't change ours every
other minute of the day.


I went up to the black
lady in the parking lot
that does the "mandatory
diversity training" and I
asked her if I could buy
some crack!

"It's cus i's black, innit !?"

"Not at all, I figure you
have to be high as a
fucking kite after you
said in there 'Every single
institution in this country
serves only to benefit
straight white men!"

[Bikkie]

I just got a new job at the casino in the poker room. Its a perfect job really, you could say ideal



My daughter said, "It's amazing how many more visible and brave Male-to-Females we're seeing openly out at the pool this year !"

"You're telling me, these 'Tuck Friendly' Tuck-it swimsuits clearly aren't fucking working at all."



Well done man united two records in one season
Biggest win for Liverpool and fastest goal for city




Things are going from bad to worse for Phillip Schofield.

He?s just been arrested at Heathrow Airport when customs officers found a false bottom in his suitcase.



"Suspected Chinese spies have attempted to penetrate US military bases"

It's only fair, after all, a leading Democrat penetrated a Chinese spy.



Phillip Schofield says he knows how Caroline Flack felt.

I seriously doubt that's true.


After rough sex, the white woman said to her black man: - I wonder what our children will look like.
He replies: - They will be curious what I look like.





I was told icy is the easiest word to spell I C Y



I've just text Philip Schofield to see if he wants to buy my car.

It's 15 years old and a good runner.

Hollywood is so unrealistic. They seriously expect us to believe that after 4 years trapped alone on a Tropical island, Tom Hanks never figured out how to brew alcohol from coconuts?



My lad sat there doing his homework and asked, 'dad, what's a black hole?'

I replied ' well at one time they were a Universal phenomenon but in the UK right now your never more than 30 mins away from one'



They say a womans work is never done. That's 100% true if you class nagging and fucking moaning as work.



Phillip Schofield says his career is probably over.

Hardly the first time he's blown it.





Just joined the gay sailors website and the first popup ad I got was,

'Young Buoys are in your area waiting to meet you'.




Now that Schofield has all this free time he can spend it listening to his favourite music.

The Four Tops.

[Piper]

Thanks to diversity quotas
you're now just as likely to
be robbed by a black man
for a job as you are for
your wallet.


I finally had a brief look at
that new Tolkien reboot,
and like everything else
like this it was filled with
so many out-of-place nig
nogs that it was utterly
ridiculous.
Before I shut that shit off,
I remarked, "They should
have just called it Lord Of
The Bling."


Bloke runs into a hospital
and shouts:
"Quick, I've cut my knob off
at work, it's in this bag of
frozen peas, can you save
it?"
Nurse opens the bag and
says: "But sir, this is a
cigar."
Bloke says: "Fuck me, I've
smoked it in the taxi on
the way over here."


I was told money couldn't
buy me happiness.
The Nigerian prostitute
with that name currently
sucking my cock would
disagree with that.


Irony:
A cannibal catching
necrotising fasciitis.


If you are turned on by
Dirty talk that means
your genitals are voice
activated


Off to the pub today with
My mate Dave, or as I like
to call him the 'Invisible
man' .... cos he's never
around when it's his
round!


I was playing in the
dwarves World cup and
was about to score, when
I was denied by last titch
tackle.


What do you call a
Chinese woman with large
eyeballs?
Ping Pong.

[Piper]

'... Did you know
if you get pregnant in the
AMAZON
It is next day delivery?'


I tried to steal spaghetti
from the shop, but the
female guard saw me and
I couldn't get pasta.


Why is the Jamaican flag
Green, Yellow and Black?
It's the colour bananas go!


My neighbours listen
to some of the most
amazing music.
Whether they like it or not.


In bed with my new
girlfriend, she unhooked
her bra, "They're not
very big" she sighed
apologetically.
"I'm glad you bought that
up" I replied, undoing my
jeans.


A weasel who was on the
wagon went into a pub
and the barman asked
"What can I get you?
" Pop", goes the weasel.


100 years ago, everyone
owned horses and only
the rich had cars.
Today, everyone owns
cars and only the rich has
horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.


A Scotsman walks into a
bookshop and says: "Excuse
me Jim have you got
occult.?"
"Aye", says the shopkeeper.
"But it brings
ma balls oot in tae a rash
so I stick tae troosers."


What do a 9 volt battery
and a woman's arsehole
have in common?
You know it's wrong but
you can't help putting your
tongue on it.


I've been saving up for
years to take my family on
a once in a lifetime world
cruise, topped off with a
month in Australia.
But I decided to cancel
it and put the heating on
this winter instead.


Why are black people so fast?
The slow ones are in jail.


If you're out tonight
put a big coat on. The
weather is a bit Motown.
Three degrees. Four tops.


After we finished building
our snowman, I said to my
son, "Let's give him a
name. A snowman has
got to have a name, what
shall we call him?"
"Can we name him after
your boss, dad?" came the
surprising reply.
"Why do you want to name
him after Kev?"
"Well you do keep saying
that he's short, white and
sat there doing fuck-all."

[Piper]

I've been buying birthday
cards for everyone at our
local Tourette's Society.
It's the thought that cunts.


My wife left me because
of my obsession with rugby.
I suggested we have
another try.


According to recent
studies, people will believe
anything if you say: it's
according to recent studies.


To people that think
animals can't be cruel: a
pig just spat at me.
That's the last time I fry
bacon.


All sex is casual sex when
you're not dressed in
formal wear.


What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's brown and runny?
Mo Farah.


With the rise of self-driving
vehicles, it's only a
matter of time until there's
a country song where the
guys truck leaves him.


My daughter came home
from first school and
told me she'd learnt the
Alphabet song.
I said, "That's good,
I guess they are still
teaching the basics. Let's
hear it then."
She sang, Lesbian, Gay,
Bisexual, Tran... Queer
Intersex, Two spirit - Pan!
A-sex-ual, De-mi, Flu-id,
and Poly, now I know my
LGBs".


Just had a text off a
Chinese pal of mine in
Surrey :
I wrecked a wok in woking
where I woke up with a
woke King.


Opening a door and
saying: "Ladies first" is
really just a polite way of
telling them you want to
check out their arse.


I'm currently dating a sexy
Polish girl who by her own
admission, used to be a
Porn actress. She's very
nice but I have to conceal
my amusement over the
fact that, when implying
"come on!" she says
"come!"


I heard my Maori
neighbour screaming and,
as I looked over the fence,
saw him being attacked by
a pit bull Terrier.
Thinking on my feet, I
quickly grabbed a large
stick, ran round and gave
it a few hefty blows.
I couldn’t just stand by and
watch the dog have all the
fun.


If Muslims hate hate pork so
much, how come the
majority of them have
'ham' in their name?


Some Muslim bloke
had a right go at me at
work today when I did
something wrong. I said,
"Alright mate there's no
need to blow up over it"


How do you know that
Adam and Eve weren't
Aboriginal?
They would have thrown
away the apple and eaten
the snake!


Just seen a right pair in
the apple store.


"Drive me home I'm
pissed."
"It's probably not my best
chat up line."


I just put my clothes on
the line.
My gambling problem is
really getting out of hand.


The word hyphenated
doesn't have a hyphen,
yet non-hyphenated does
have a hyphen.
This has to be the
English language. A word
that contradicts its own
rule.


My Mrs keeps coming out
with bird innuendos so
I thought toucan play at
that game.


There's no reason why
the word abbreviation
needs to be so long.


My lesbian daughter is a
self-employed plumber,
and the other day some
cheeky bastard spray
painted a massive penis
on the side of her Transit.
Now everybody calls her
Dick Van Dyke.


What's the difference
between a wife and a
smoke detector?
One, you can turn off
without even trying. The
other, you spend all day
waving a dish cloth at.

[Piper]

I deleted all my German
friends from my mobile
phone contact list...
Now I'm Hans free.


If reincarnation was real,
I'd come back as a table cloth.
I'd get laid three times a
day and pulled off once at
night.


The perfect way to stop
Transgender reassignment
surgery :
Tell them they won't be
able to reverse park.


I was sitting in the pub
doing a crossword when
I turned to my scottish
mate and said... "I'm stuck
on one... Stranded On An
Island, eight letters."
"Marooned" He said
"About fucking time" I
replied. "I'll have a lager."


I'll never forget our
Scottish window cleaner
when he was up the
ladders doing the
bedrooms.
He dropped a pound coin
and when he bent down to
pick it up, it hit him on the
head.


Why are 50p pieces
shaped the way they are?
So you can get them out
of a Scotsman's hand
with a spanner.


Fishing : a pastime for
lonely men hoping for
something to tug their
rods.



Fish puns are a load of
Codswallop!


My girlfriend recently said
that "boys don't grow up
their toys just get more
expensive"
I agree, her perfume was a
bloody rip-off.


Every woman wants their
pussy eaten.
Until they date a cannibal.


Prisons are like a Box of
chocolates...


My son was attacked by
a knife wielding thug so I
phoned the police.
I was pleased to hear
from the call handler that
their officers were at that
very moment dealing with
the stabbers
Turns out she meant they
were dancing at a Gay
Pride Event.


Just found out the Dalai
Lamar is a gambler. He
like Tibet.


My local Chinese
restaurant has been hit
with a 10k electric bill,
they said they can't turn
off all the lights, but they
do dim sum.


I got lost today in a
void of desperation and
confusion...
That's the last time I look
in my wife's handbag!


Studies claim that
smoking weed causes
memory loss.
I say that's bollocks. Next
they'll be saying that
smoking weed causes
memory loss!!!


There used to be this girl
in our local who'd give you
a blow-job if you bought
her a drink. We called
her our Monica, after two
pints, it was mouth organ.


The sentence "Don't
objectify women" has
"Women" as the object of
the sentence.
Just saying.


I saw a sign in a shop
window that read: pay no
interest.
So I carried on walking.

[Piper]

What goes no no no no
FUCKIN ELL YES YES YES YES
Emma Watson growing
over the years.


I was going to ask my
girlfriend to marry me.
But then I decided I didn't
want to appear arrogant
and presumptuous by
inviting myself along to
her big day like that.


A new blood test can
detect Alzheimer's 30
years in advance.
That's something to look
forward to.


Easily get into a secret
meeting of the Innuendo
Club by slipping in the
back-door.


Bloody courier driver...
got a 'dpd' today... he
shoved something roughly
through the letterbox ;
but totally ignored the
back-door.


What's the most ethical
thing about being a
Vegan?

Is it

A) driving up the price
of staple foods in poor
countries with their
insatiable appetite
for quinoa and lentils,
pushing the local people
further into poverty and
hunger

B) posting virtuous social
media messages on their
I-phone, made in a factory
by suicidal slaves.

Answers on a piece of
recyclable hemp paper
please.


How do you know you’re
past it?
You're watching a porno
and you actually want the
young real-state agent
to accurately value the
property...


My nephew that works
on Disney Cruise told me
today how concerned he
is now that Disney has
announced that half of all
It's characters will now be
"LGBTQ IAK++++"
"Besides all the wet
foam now on the ship,
my Donald Duck costume
now has a cutout
bumhole"


Here's why I would never
date a femnist:
They won't let me.


I gave my blind wife a
cheese grater for her
birthday.
I told her it's the most
violent book she'd ever
read.


My hairdresser asked if
I fancied leaving with a
permanent wave.
I said, no, just a quick
thumbs up would do.


There are way more black
Footballers now because
everyone wants more and
more speed.
To be fair, they are the
most prolific dealers.

[Bikkie]

"Now, here's something you don't see every day...."

A phrase rendered obsolete by the advent of WhatsApp.




After I agreed with something "Far Right" online and said that faggots and Drag Queens should all be sent to prison and broken on exercise equipment like Oscar fucking Wilde, my gay son stamped his high heels and said, "You are NOT taking us fucking back 150 years !"

"Then why are you dressed like a Victorian Woman ?"





I just saw Yoda's Facebook status:
Taken that 'How good is your grammar?' test I have.
Got fucking zero I did.'



My wife's always telling me not to eat too much swordfish cos it's full of mercury

Fuck me is there any man, woman or beast that cunt didn't shag?


Why don't you ever see black pub landlords?

Because they're scared of being behind bars




"Popular Wetherspoons pub set to permanently close"

Doesn't sound very popular to me.




"What's the name of that wrongun from EastEnders?"

"Nick Cotton?"

"Maybe later Leroy. Can you answer this first?"



As I went to the bus stop, I saw a heavily pregnant woman there.

"When's it due?" I asked.

"Two weeks", she replied, with a lovely smile on her face.

"Well I might as well walk then..." I said.



TRANSVESTITES: Save a fortune on clothes by marrying a woman the same size as you.




A female weightlifter goes to her doctor and tells him "doctor, I've been injecting steroids lately and I seem to have grown a cock"
The doctor replies "hmmm, anabolic?"
She says "no, just a cock"



I just seen this liberal woman going off on a rant about how everything is racist.. and that got me thinking... whenever I see a cotton bud my first thought is " I wonder if this was picked by a nigger?"

So dose that me that - I too! Am a racist??



'Where have you stashed the Constitution, Mr Trump?'

'Oh, that? I wiped my ass on that ages ago...'




Philip Schofield's runner/bumboy Matthew Mcgreevy finaly admits his career at the BBC was helped by having a man on the inside.




My wife thinks that my obsession with cream cheese is hilarious, the laughing cow



I had the police round earlier telling me to take down my Islamic State flag.

Turns out I had my black table cloth hanging out to dry...

And a bird had shit all over it!



Today's Wordle: I was right, it was Wrong




TOP TIP: Read that backwards to use cheap cream



What is whiskey?

Wussian woulette.



I reminded the wife it's steak and a blowjob day.

I treated her to a haircut at the salon this morning.

In return, she said I could have a stake in a blowdry.


Headline 'ITV Boss: Schofield relationship 'deeply inappropriate''

Certainly deeply in somewhere



I just seen this liberal woman going off on a rant about how everything is racist.. and that got me thinking... whenever I see a cotton bud my first thought is " I wonder if this was picked by a nigger?"

So dose that me that - I too! Am a racist??



I received a text from my wife this morning: "In B+Q. Do you need anything? x"

I sent one back: "Just a bi hammer, please."

"Don't you mean a BIG hammer?” Came the sniggering response.

"No, I need one that swings both ways."



Did you know that Yul Brynner not only was a lifelong fan of Liverpool football club but that he never wore scent.
That's right, Yul never wore cologne.


what do you call a group of old black people?

an antique farming auction


Thinking back to when I was at my old school in the mid 90s, one afternoon I walked past a random office in a quiet section of the school and caught the portly bursar looking up the skirt of the sexy 40 something secretary that every lad there fancied (think Sophia Loren meets pop princess Louise) who he had stood on a stepladder and was handing her box files that she was putting on the top shelf. (had seen him around her before and could tell he liked her the way his usually stern face lit up in delight as he'd say hello to her, and waving to her from afar when he spotted her)

As she reached up to place a file on the shelf he'd bend down slightly and have a quick peak up her above the knee skirt, then savour looking up close at her lovely black nylon (denier 10) legs down to her black high heels.. then hed hand her another file, bend down, peak. and repeat .. she being seemingly oblivious to his sneaky pleasure of sheer nylon heaven.. at one point he turned slightly and I saw side of his bespectacled flushed face, his expression one of blissful ecstasy..

until he spotted me watching and nearly jumped out of his tent pitched trousers! with full eye contact from his shocked guilty face (probably made him prematurely spend his just about to release load!)




I don't know why Phillip Schofield was removed from the Prince's Trust.

They could have just put Andrew in charge, added an 'h' and made it the Prince's Thrust.



I lost my job in the KP nuts marketing department earlier.

They were asking staff to suggest brand ambassadors for the new 'nuts about nuts ' campaign.

I have learned since that my suggestion to use philip scofield was homophobic.



The wife loves my meat thermometer at barbecues.

In her buns.



was in a modern jazz club when the waiter dropped a tray of cutlery.


Well they didn't fuck about with him, they immediately offered a job on the drums.





Me and my fellow Indian incel buddies have started a band.

Rage Against the Vagene.




You can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits.


Climate scientists have warned that in just a few years, cod may be completely off the menu. Nevermind, plenty more fish in the sea 🐠

[Bikkie]

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

All men are bastards!




How do vegans know a pussy is ok to eat?

when it does not smell like fish



Teachers are continuing to strike for fair wages.

Why do they only want to get paid as much as someone who works at a fair?



Surveys show that the inhabitants of Norfolk enjoy a better sex life than the rest of the UK.

But I suppose it's all relative.



Stress balls have greater effectiveness when thrown at those who cause you the most stress.




Japan raises age of consent form 13 to 16.
Damn. Probably best to cancel tonight's date.

How do you make a Maltese cross?

Beat him 4-0.




My family says I look incredibly stupid wearing my hat backwards and it pisses me off.

One day the sun was in my eyes, and so, to prove I'm not as stupid as I look, I bought a visor and attached it to my hat.


What do you call a postbox full of bills?


Daisy Duck's fanny


The 1970s-"Dad what does it mean if I'm not attracted to anyone?"
Dad-"What are u ranting on about lad? No healthy, hot blooded boy is not attracted to a bonny,young lass! Has your mother been giving u soya milk again? That one needs a good leather belt across the back of the legs!
2023-"Dad what does it mean if I'm not attracted to anyone?"
Dad-"Oh that's great Juniper! Now what colour dress should I wear to PRIDE this year?"



I bought some pepper spray yesterday. What a terrible product!

It made my bolognese taste awful.



A Penn state professor arrested for animal molestation, told police officers: I do it to blow off steam.

Unusual name for a dog.


Harry and Meghan's brand crashes after Spotify parts ways with the royal tossers.

All that's left for them is their nationwide Privacy Tour.




I went on a date with a Jewish girl the other night.

We got along really well and at the end of the night she gave me her number.

I felt bad telling her that we give names these days.



Putting Michael Barrymore in charge of the Greece National Lifeboat Institution seems to be working a treat.

Why did the cannibal have frozen chicken for tea?

Cos he'd already eaten his bird's eye




The boss of ITV said the actions of Phillip Schofield were deeply inappropriate.

First time I've heard a runner being called a pro priate.



My missus told me to be more imaginative in the bedroom.

So, yesterday, I dressed up as Darth Vader, wielding two giant neon dildos.

Then she had to walk in and ruin all the fun!



My ticket arrived today, so in July I'm off to Glasgow for the TRNSMIT Festival.

Proper live music, with no AI.




What is whiskey?

Wussian woulette.





A woman who looks exactly like
Donald Trump has been asked
to star in a porn movie.
So finally,a cure for your porn
addiction.





The only thing straight about
Donald Trump is the jacket he
should be wearing.





I wasn't convinced by the wife
when she texted me saying she
had monkey pox-but then I saw
her face ahd now I'm a believer...





Graham Norton has had some
painful sexual encounters.
That's how he got the idea
for the Red chair.




I just saw Yoda's Facebook status:
Taken that 'How good is your grammar?' test I have.
Got fucking zero I did.'


My wife's always telling me not to eat too much swordfish cos it's full of mercury

Fuck me is there any man, woman or beast that cunt didn't shag?






I'm on a mission getting my own
back on paedoohiles in the church
by giving them some of their own
medicine up the shitter against the
backdrop of prog-rock.
It's called The Anal Parsons Project.





What's the difference between the
F1 and a blackman?
We all know what the better
race is.




what do you call a group of old black people?

an antique farming auction

[Bikkie]

Within this woke world in which we live, I always wondered what happened to the MR MEN. Here are my guesses:

MR TICKLE - Wanted for historical sex offences dating back to the 1970s.

MR GREEDY - Told to embrace body positivity before dying of a heart attack.

MR SNEEZE - Doing time for breaking Covid rules.

MR TOPSY-TURVY - Undiagnosed, believed to be somewhere on the spectrum.

MR CLEVER - Accused of mansplaining.

MR STRONG - Steroid abuse.

MR. CLUMSY - Parkinson's Disease.

MR HAPPY - Accused of toxic positivity.

Feel free to add more.



I downloaded TikTok to see what all the fuss was about. The first video that I saw was a slightly overweight cat walking with a sassy walk across someone’s kitchen floor while Taylor Swift played in the background and now I want to overthrow Western democracy.




Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club.
He's tall, superhot, and seems different to most guys she's met.
They arrive at his place and head straight to the bedroom and she immediately notices a shelf unit full of teddy bears.
On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle there are medium-sized bears, and the top full of large teddies; all neatly displayed in rows.
She now begins to think that he's sentimental, sensitive and sweet and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she feels an overwhelming urge to give him the best night of his life.
She therefore starts off by giving him a porn-style sloppy blowjob before offering use of the other two holes....in fact she completely gives her all to the session!
In the morning, she's slowly dressing and noticing him waking, so asks: "How was that?"
He yawns and replies: "Not bad at all. Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"


Three was a young girl from Bulgaria,
Whose vagina grew hairier and hairier.
When a man from Peru,
Tried to give her a screw,
He had to hunt out her cunt with a terrier!





Why soes Batman only cover half his face?

So everyone knows he's white!


If you see a toilet in your dream, DON'T use it.



Last night me and the wife got in bed. I turned out the light and then I heard a strange sound.

"Are you opening a bag of crisps?" I asked.

"No," she said, "I'm just taking off my knickers."


They say women are attracted to men with power and money.

There is hope for me yet.

I just paid my electricity bill.




I asked my new neighbour Leroy what he does for a living and he replied.."go on, have a guess. I'll give you a clue, it involves telling people to put their hands in the air."
Apparently he's a DJ and I'm a racist for guessing Bankrobber.



There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate".

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a Monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part".

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads.....

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of treacle. Pour the tin of treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple."



I went for a job at a large building constructors and they asked if I had vertigo.
I said, "Oh yes I do, although not one of U2's finest songs though."


In light of Roald Dahl’s books being vandalised by woke autocrats, I’m curious as to what they’ll be called in the near future.

The LBFGT
The Plus Sized Crocodile
Charlie & the Vegan Chocolate Factory
Charlene & the Great Glass Ceiling
Fantastic Mx Fox
George’s Hormone Replacement Medicine
Danny Diversity Champion of the World
James & the Organic Peach
The Giraffe, the Tranny & Me
Soy
The Womxn of Mystical Powers



It's too bad swimming in debt doesn't count as cardio.


This is what's going on inside an average American's head when a British/irish person over there Speaks.

Posh English person....Fear intimidation and sense of inferiority.

Londoner or southeast....oh no it's one of those nasty gangster type English people and an urge to do a Dick Van Dyke imitation back.

Birmingham Brummie ....My god this English person sounds depressed.

Irish ....well top of the morning to you too.

Welsh ...how quaint a white person from India.

Scottish ...he's Canadian.

Northern Irish ...he's polish.

South West ...wow an actual pirate.

Liverpool scouse ....English person who's parents must have been part dolphin.

Northwest and Manchester ....confusion

Yorkshire.....utter confusion

Newcastle Geordie...what the actual fuck?

Norfolk ....must be a Swedanian hillbilly.



My son asked, "What is paranoid?"

"It's two noids," I replied.

"What's a noid?," he said.

"What I get when you ask too many fucking questions."





The BBC reported that Muslim parents are withdrawing children from Music Lessons because their beliefs forbid them from learning music.
The British Government has therefore issued a new list of songs that are acceptable to Muslims :-
*Halal (Is It Meat You're Looking For), by Lionel Richie
*They Tried To Mecca Me Go To Jihad (But I Said No, No, No), by Amy Winehouse
*The Ayatollah of the Tiger, by Survivor
*The Way You Mecca Me Feel, by Michael Jackson
*Anything by 80's pop group Qu'ran Qu'ran
*The Meccarana
*Fatwah-Bottomed Girls, by Queen
*Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Burqini
*Something in the Way Shia Moves, by James Taylor
*Allah Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That), by Meatloaf.



In the 80's we had horrendous hair cuts and clothes that we cringe about whenever we see a photo of ourselves from back then.
In the 2000's a lot of kids went through a moody goth/emo phase that they REALLY prefer to forget about now.
When the 2020's are a 20 year old memory, there's going to be a lot of folks, that got caught up in all the current day's madness, who are going to look back at photos of themselves from now, and thing "God, I miss having a cock".

[Piper]

A survey has revealed that
8 percent of American
adults believe they could
beat an elephant
in unarmed combat.
Well, to be fair, quite a few
of them have a significant
weight advantage.


When cannibalism starts,
vegans are the closest
we have to a free-range,
grass-fed meat source.


I'm a dairy farmer and in
the winter I fit my cows
with tubular bells. So I can
hear them in my cold field.


The shop near me is
selling a plant based
alterative to vapes...
Cigarettes.


Tina Turner and Rolf Harris
are queueing at the Pearly
Gates when suddenly Tina
says to him - "Get away
from me"
"Why?" - asks Rolf
"Because" - says TIna -
"You simply molest."


Anyone can masterbate
under a sheet.
But it takes real skill
so the hairdresser doesn't notice.


Anyone who wonders why
there are no women F1
drivers should first watch
them try to negotiate a
supermarket car park.


Why are women like the
weather?
Nothing can be done
to change either one of them...


I gave a couple of quid
to the 'Teaching Dwarves
Maths Foundation.'
It's the little things that
count.

[Piper]

I'm not a climate change
denier. Far from it.
I looked out of the window
this morning and it
was sunny. The climate
changed an hour or so
later and it started raining.
It happens.


Eve: "Go on Adam, take a
bite."
Adam : "No Eve, God
has forbidden it as the
ultimate sin and will cast
us out of Eden. I cannot
defy the word of my Lord."
Eve: "Oh go on Adam, I'll
let you feel my tits."
Adam : "OK. What the
fuck!"


The word 'Twerking' was
only recently added to
the English Dictionary,
but it actually dates back
almost 180 years.
To Madonna's first tour.


A car park in Hanau,
Germany, has unveiled
dedicated parking spaces
reserved for LGBTQ
drivers.
Only accessible via the
rear entrance.


As I went to the bus stop
I saw a heavily pregnant
woman there.
"When is it due?" I asked.
"Two weeks," she replied,
with a lovely smile on her
face.
"Well I might as well walk
then..." I said.


What do you call a man
with a white cap on
his head kneeling at a
gravestone?
Mourning jew.


Just watched Paul McCartney singing
old Beatles songs at Glastonbury.
That's the second time John Lennon's
been murdered.

[Bikkie]

Last night Glastonbury hosted Foo Fighters

Tonight Elton John aka Poo Biter tops the bill




80s singer Yazz got a job as a lift attendant.

She wasn't very good though.




There's only one thing worse than having expired condoms.

It's having a whole unopened box of expired condoms.



Bbc news headlines
" Dingo bites tourist sunbathing in Australia ."

Just look at her! I would bite her ass too!


People say that John Wick is unbelievable because no one would kill someone over a puppy.

Bullshit. My missus just chased me round the house with a carving knife because she caught me with my hands on her sister's puppies.

[R650R]

People are sinking to new depths over submarine jokes….

We should give the captain a break he’s under a lot of pressure….

Diving with Oceangate is like getting married. After a short while the banging stops….

Man foresees courtroom drama over his dodgy submarine tour company so named it Oceangate….

[Piper]

Swizzels Matlow Ltd.,
the manufacturer of
Love hearts have released
a new set of the beloved
sweets updated for
the 21st century with
messages presented as
acronyms.

BOD... bring own dildo

ATM... arse to mouth

LAFT... loves a knee trembler

KORSB... keen on rusty sheriff's badges

AGFF... always good for fisting

BLASD... bangs like a shit house door

OWD... obscene when drunk

KTIV... known to induce vomiting

WFFP... will felch for petrol

LGHJ... loves to give hand jobs

OCE... oral costs extra

HLH... hung like a horse

I'll leave you to decide the
flavours for each sweet.


Ignore only advice from
wealthy female 80s pop
stars about leaving lights
on, I've just got my fucking
electric bill.


This weekend, I bet on
three horses called
Sunshine, Moonlight, and
Good Times, and none of
them won.
I blame it on the bookie.


I met a younger girl online
that I hope I might leave
my wife for, and she's
really into the same
stuff that I'm into like
classic cars such as Ford
Thunderbirds.
She has in her profile
handle both T-bird and T-Girl.


99 blue baffons
voting against a Covid law
panic bells, it's red alert
There's something here
From somewhere else
The war machine springs
to life
Opens up one eager eye
Focusing it upon the lie
Where 99 blue baffons
go by

99 Downing Street
99 ministers meet
To worry, worry, super-scurry
call the troops out in a
hurry
This is what we've waited
for
This is it boys, this is war
The dumb PM is on the
line
As 99 blue baffons all lie.

[Bikkie]

They were the Dixie chicks then the chicks, now the two chicks and an obese warthog.





Hi guys, just to let you know I had the Russian Covid-19 vaccination yesterday and I can assure you that there are absolutely no negative sideffski efectovski secundariosvki кто мжет этю, лбгрцсзжэщ иющтряадфгт лареч. б6ожю вгчопъэстр ллтчла.




After watching Glastonbury and subsequently looking in the mirror, it appears I've been following the Elton John diet.



Breaking News: Adele and Taylor Swift collaborating on new album together

'We Didn't Get Our Own Way With Men Again' is out in the new year




Pride marchers:

We're here!, we're Queer!, we're coming for your children!

The next day:

We're the police!, we've arrived!, we're coming for your hard drive!



A termite with no teeth walks into a pub and asks 'where's the bar tender please?'


My thai wife showed me her take on "toad in the hole" last night

Let's just say it didn't involve much Yorkshire pudding



"Daddy, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No, sun"
"Fuck you, daddy, I'll ask mummy"



Holly Willoughby has been seen partying at Glastonbury.

Phillip Schofield's there too. He's got a backstage pass for Elton John later.

[Bikkie]

Husband: "Hey, honey, what do you think the neighbours would say if I mowed the front lawn nude?"
Wife: "They'd probably say I married you for your money"



If anyone wants a list of all the famous Bugs Bunny quotes, I can send it to you as a WhatsApp doc.



I went on BGT with a "talking dog act."

I asked Rufus, "What's on top of a house ?" - "Roof"

"What's my name ?" - "Ralph"

"What's sex with the wife like ?" - "Ruff."

After we were brutally dismissed, my dog said to me, "I should have done what I wanted instead and gone off with my opinions on Trump and Brexit."



Remember, it's technically oral if the person giving you a hand job is def.




I'm trying to organise the music lineup for the Devon scone festival. 'The jam' and 'cream' are due to play, but I'm not sure which to put on 1st




What's the best thing about having sex with a Bull?.

It won't charge you.



I just woke up from a coma, but I don't think it lasted very long.
Trump is still saying he won the 2020 election.



I’ve worked out why weed gives me the munchies.

It’s just the pot calling the kettle chips.



As a lifelong football fan, I've always considered cricket to be a right load of boring old shite, purely played to entertain toffee-nosed, public schoolboys. But I've just read a report that condemns English cricket as being racist, sexist and classist, where the N and P words are frequently used and incidents of people having bacon and alcohol thrown at them.

What the fuck have I been missing out on?



Archaeologists in Pompeii have discovered a fresco that possibly depicts a pizza from more than two thousand years ago.

Big deal. Akhmed has a stack of those in the fridge at my local corner shop.




Devotes.

What Jamaicans count in an election.



Since becoming addicted to crystal meth, my only source of income is the Tooth Fairy.



There is no homophobia in English and Welsh cricket.

If anyone suggests otherwise they must be batting in the wrong crease.

[Bikkie]

My wife can find joy in the smallest things in life.

Which is a bit of luck for me.



Harry Kane isn't off to play football in Germany.

He can't even speak English.




Predictive text is for aunts



Channel 5: Can Prince Edward change the Royals?.

Why not?. He changed The Royal Marines to The Marines.

[Bikkie]

BREAKING NEWS: Following his recall after breeching his license conditions, Gary Glitter has announced he is to release new album from inside prison, Tracks include

Hello Hello, It's Good to Be Banged Up Again
Another Stoney Lonesome Christmas
I Love You Love Because You're Only Two Love
She Was Only Thirteen
Baby Love, My Baby Love
Oh You Are A Mucky Kid
I Don't Know I Loved You Till Saw You On the Dark Web
Doing Time For Touching, There? Where?
Dalai Lama Be in My Gang, My Gang, My Gang

[Piper]

I once saw my welsh
mate who told me he was
trying to clone a sheep.
"I don’t think you know the
difference between clone
and impregnate."


I met my wife when we
were studying history
at university. She was
studying medieval times
and I was studying the
Tudors.
Every month we seem to
have a massive row where
she finishes up throwing
crockery.
I think I must have chosen
the wrong period.


My dyslexic mate called
me up in a panic on the
last day of his holiday,
he said, "I'm at the airport
but there are no planes,
just a load of dangerous
criminals behind bars and
what looks like an electric
chair.! "
I said, "What the fuck,
which airport are you at.?"
He said, "deathrow."


I walked into this posh
restaurant in my filthy
overalls and this snotty
waiter asked me to please
go and change into
something more suitable.
"Fuck you," I replied "fix
your own fucking heating
then."


What do you call a paki
joyrider?
Anek Dhakar.


I've just checked my pet
frog's genealogy.
He's a little bit French, part
Scottish and a tad pole.


Don't be afraid of farthing
while taking a piss.
Remember that rain often
comes with some thunder.

[Piper]

What's the difference
between a gay and a
microwave?
A microwave doesn't
brown your meat!


The American flag on the
moon is completely white
from radiation.
France have claimed
they put it there.


Women’s football is a lot
like sex.
It all ends in tears when
someone scores at the
wrong end.


If I'm black and have
a small penis does that
make me a halfcast?


If love is blind?
Why is lingerie so
popular?


Sex dolls are to be
made more realistic for
Muslims.
They will include a fetus.


If Will Smith is such a
great actor, why does he
only ever play black guys?


There's a certain level
of appreciation in the
irony for those who
choose to get married on
Independence Day.


Why were Princesses
Eugenie and Beatrice
walking funny?
Because Prince Andrew
was celebrating In-dependants day.


Happy 4th everybody.
And, on this special day
just remember the most
important thing. Never put
ketchup on your hotdog.


It's Independence Day
and here's a message to
all you Star Trek loving
Yanks...
May the 4th be with you.


Happy Independence Day,
or as they say in Britain,
good riddance.


For some reason, the
Diversity Training lady said
to us, "The Fourth of July
is not just about cookouts
and fireworks, at it's root
it's about African slavery."
All the more reason to go
home and fire up some
bratwursts on the grill
ASAP.


Prince Harry celebrates
Independence Day with
his two-year-old daughter
Lillibet.
Didn't work though. Got
home, and fucking Megan
was still there.

[Bikkie]

Talentless half negro and one time member of The Spice Girls has allegedly taken to social media to claim bigotry and racism is responsible for the lack of paparazzi and media attention she is isn't getting when anyone Googles "Mels Hole."
Sporty Spice was unavailable for comment as her mouth was full of hairy Fanny.





The White House is all talk, no substance.
Well, except for a little cocaine.


I watched that Star Trek Picard & thought what a load of old bollocks

No I'm not jumping on that everyone who likes Star Trek is a virgin nonce bamdwagon....

....it's just that this driven, courageous & brave character is French




The Sound of Music now coming with trigger warnings....

"A healthy prosperous white family with many kids all singing and dancing and having fun.... of course we can't have people seeing THAT !"


The Chichester Festival has put trigger warnings on posters for a production of The Sound of Music.

About time too. I don't want to be exposed to the depravity of a lonely goatherd.






Captain Tom be spinning in his grave so much over his grifter daughter tarnishing his legacy building a pool/spa he's reanimated into Creepshow zombie Captain Tom - 'Wheres my money?! its NHS day! and i want my 33 million!'



I kinda want to become a gynaecologist, not in a pervy way to look at minges all day but to do operations on prolapsed vaginas; then turn to my work colleague during the start of the op and say: "looks like you're not the only useless cunt in this room".



Charlie is taking a bit of heat from the jocks up there today.
Anyone would of thought they'd be over the moon to have a King named after their national pastime



So first at the Scottish Coronation Charles will be crowned then handed Scotland's most precious items.
Seems a long way to go just to be given some booze, crack and heroin.



Mason Mount has left Chelsea.

A tearful Rhys James sobbed "at least he didn't leave in Pride Month."



Why did the Romans build straight roads?

Because Italian cars are shit on corners.



Why did the Romans build straight roads?

Cos Satnav was still a couple of millennia away.



Why did the Romans build straight roads?

Because they had no idea being bent would become so fucking trendy



The Wimbledon ball-girls were said to be buzzing after meeting Prince Andrew yesterday

He'd handed out free vibrators





I woke up this morning fancying a more discernible wank than usual. An orgy of some kind, featuring some wet posh cunts up against another load of posh cunts

So I watched Wimbledon





Day 4 and already banned from Wimbledon.
I only handed Katie Boulter a market pen and asked her to sign my balls




Why can't Prince Andrew play tennis?

Because every time he hears '15 love' he gets an erection.




I use to go out with a Welsh girl with 36 double d's I could never pronounce her name



When I go on a sex holiday to Bangkok I like to stuff 2 tennis balls up the hookers arse while I fuck them.
I call it a Thai breaker





I own two shirts and some neckwear that used to belong to the guy out of the mamas & the papas.

All the sleeves are brown
And the tie is grey.


The RAF has been forced to abolish racial recruitment quotas and apologise for discriminating against white men.

Like Biggles, Niggles is still a fictitious fighter pilot.

[Piper]

A new value range toilet
paper is being trialled in
New Delhi under the brand
name John Wayne.
That's because it's tough,
rough and won't take any
shit off Indians.


Britney Spears hit in the
face by Security Guard in
Last Vegas.
Well, she did ask for it.


NHS ONLINE SYMPTOM
FINDER.

Please list symptoms
below.

STRESS.... LACK OF.... INTEREST.... APATHY....


FEELING OF SELFHARM.... LOW LIBIDO... CRYING....

IRRITATED.... THE URGE TO KILL.... LISTLESS....

FEELING WORTHLESS.

RESULTS : STOP
WATCHING AND
LISTENING TO
ADELE.... SEEK HELP
IMMEDIATELY.


Scientists say singing may
be just as healthy as yoga.
Lucky for Adele, she does
Yoga.


Have you noticed all
Adele does is complain
about relationships in her
songs?
Then all of a sudden
prescription charges go
up again.


Adele issues warning to
fans who are thinking
of throwing objects on
stage. However she has
said throwing pizza
and chocolate at her is
fine.


The thing that makes
Andy Murray unique as a
Scotsman is that after the
4th round he doesn't turn
into an annoying, sluring,
political, patriotic pissed
up twat.


Three Just Stop Oil
activists have been
arrested at Wimbledon for
throwing a jigsaw puzzle
onto the court.
The police are still piecing
it together.

. "Throw the ball into the
crowd and gain superfans
at the end of a match"
said Grandad. He was the
best tennis player ever,
Cousin Paddy honoured
him at the weekend
there... worst tenpin
bowler ever.


What's the difference
between a ginger step-child
and an egg?
The egg only gets beaten
once.


Someone thought it would
be a good idea to install
some technology at the
office that like in the film
Demolition Man, beeps
and assigns a fine every
time it hears enough
words in an algorithm
come up that it can link as
"Racism" or "Bigotry."
Turned out it was actually
a good idea after the
fat black lady that does
Diversity Training started
giving this talk on how
white people need to be
penalised for our "white
Privilege," and the thing
started going off like a
Fruit Machine.

[Piper]

Was sad to see Elton
John's final performance
last night but I was
shocked at how slow he
walked across the stage.
I guess that's due to too
much candle in the ring.

[Bikkie]

How to find the correct condom size for you:

1. Wrap a measuring tape or string around the thickest part of your erect penis. The girth is more important than the length because the condom will not adjust much to allow for a thicker or slimmer penis.

2. Hold the tape or string where the end meets the loose portion.

3. Check the measurement. Place a ruler or measuring tape against the base of your erect penis.

4. Hold your penis flat against the ruler or tape. Note the measurement.

5. Look for a standard size if your girth is between 2 to 2.05 inches (5.1 to 5.2 cm). Choose a small or snugger fit if your girth measures less than 2 inches (5.1 cm). Try a larger size if your girth is greater than 2.05 inches (5.2 cm).

6. Make sure the condom leaves space at the tip for your ejaculate.

7. Unlike me, do this at home and not in the chemist's.


Medical staff have been given guidance to refer to Vaginas as the 'bonus hole' so as not to offend Trans women.

Unless I'm claiming a lottery win, I fucking dare you to ask about my bonus balls.



Apparently while she was watching one of the Wimbledon matches from the back of the court, a couple of the balls hit Clare Balding on the chin

First time for everything



It's getting daft now with this ultra woke PC bullshit. You can't even say black pudding

You have to say "Leroy please get me my dessert"


The teenager who was paid thousands by a BBC star for nude pictures, apparently blew it all on drugs.

Ironically they were both after the same thing -

Crack.



Its official: Andy Murray is a Scotsman again

[Piper]

The victim of the mystery
BBC presenter, has now
turned into a hostile
witness and says it was
all a misunderstanding.
Ah. The Greenwood /
Sterling /insert name of
rich Premiership footballer
defence.


This story is bullshit!
Apparently the presenter
'paid for explicit photos
during a 3 year period'
No woman can have a
period for 3 years not
even a lesbian.


The BBC presenter in
trouble has said that he
misunderstood when the
teen said she had a 'crack'
habit.


PETE TOWNSEND :
In light of the new scandal
at the BBC why not cash in
and re-release one of your
old hits, but add a touch
of Slade in the title. Huw
are you?
By the way how's the book
coming along?


Latest Wimbledon news:

Madame Cholet has
had her driving licence
revoked.


What's the difference
between my old Ford
Fiesta and an Asian
chick?
My Fiesta has a rusty
brown hole at the back
near the bottom and an
Asian chick has a rusty
brown hole at the bottom
of its back.


Dear sir/Madam and
hundreds of others.

It is amazing, Mr
Zuckerberg will allow
you to post pictures of
classic art breasts which
are hundreds of years old,
but I post a picture of my
hundred year old grannies
breasts and I'm 30 days in
the slammer. It's one rule
for snobby art lovers and
another for us who are
trying to make a few quid
off gran before she snuffs
it.

Wayne Rooney

Manchester Care Home
For The Elderly.

[Bikkie]

Arizona bikers were riding south on theUS-93 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge.So they stopped.
George,their leader,a big burly man of 53,gets off his Harley,walks through a group of gawkers,past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing,and says,"Hey baby....whatcha doin up there on that railin?"
She says tearfully,"I'm going to commit suicide!" while he didn't want to appear "sensitive",George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opporttunity either so he asked...."Well,before you jump,Honey-Babe....why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So,with no hesitation at all,she leaned back over the railing and did just that-and it was a long,deep,lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished,George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies,the onlookers,and even the State Trooper,and then says,"WOW! That was the best kiss I have ever had,Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting,sugar shorts.You could be famous if you rode with me.
Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

It's still unclear whether he/she jumped or was pushed??

[Bikkie]

Huw Edwards's wife deserves praise, says media expert.

Fair enough.

Holding Back the Years was a pretty good song.



If the England cricket team could put as much spin on their balls as the BBC has with their Huw Edwards stories, they'd easily bring home the Ashes.




Bumped into Cat Stevens on a camp site He looked well upset I asked him what was the matter He said awning had broken


Is BBC News now BBC nudes?



After you rule out Schofield, Jim'll, King, Rolf, and Hall it makes it easy to play Guess Huw. Available from all good toy shops and fun for all the family. Downfall is also quite popular in the Edwards household at the moment




Trumpton Role Call: Huw, Huw, mooning the crew, drooping...Dribble....Grubb.




Hewy View it and the news



Huw edwards. Poor sod. Im more shocked that hes married to mick hucknall




Did anyone notice earlier today at Wimbledon that when the umpire said 'Eubanks to serve first', the black American players instincts kicked in and he took a pair of white gloves and a tray out of his kit bag?



Guess now we know Huw it is



Huw- Didn't see that coming?




Dirty Welsh Cunt. I've just been listening to I want Hew to want me by Sheep Trick...




So what's next?

A picture of Huw and a ewe?



�� Huw's sorry now? ��




Hew Edwards is walking down to the cellar when his wife shouts from the top of the stairs' Are you going to finish brewing that ale?'

Hew replies 'No dear, I'm just going to try to make a 17 year old whine'




The power of love

By Huwy Edwards and the news.




Just seen schofield skipping down the road,completely naked with a dildo up his arse! It would seem he doesn't give a Fuck who knows his business anymore.




The wife said to me, "I fancy something different for dinner but I don't know what."

I asked, "Jamaican jerk chicken?"

She replied, "No I'm fucking not."



Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's Netflix series has been nominated for a Hollywood Critics Award in the Best Streaming Fiction category.

[Hoonicorn]

My granddad was a dyslexic baker in the army.
He always went in 'all buns glazing'

[Bikkie]

It’s not your fault if other people find sexual innuendos hard to swallow.



Women are from Venus. Men are from Mars.

A woman’s sense of humour is from Venus.

Man’s is from Uranus.



My mate was asked to cook a special meal for Brian May's 75th birthday bash.

He told him he'd be making his signature dish, a scallop mousse.

Brian said, "Scallop mousse? Scallop mousse? Will you do the flan, Dan? Go!"



Interesting how language changes over time

For example, what used to be 'I'm pretending to be' is now 'I identify as'



My female boss offered to shag me if I worked overtime for no extra pay.

That cruel woman knows I'm married.




The school where a pupil identifies as a cat is actually really good, there is a good learning environment and no incidents of violence or fighting. Bunch of pussies


It "saved my marriage" the first time because my wife thought it was so romantic that her name was somehow engraved into my golf clubs.

Big Bertha




Its quite apt Oppenheimer is released same day as Barbie.

Most guys will be doing a massive explosion over Margot Robbie that day too



Barbi fans: My toys were first launched in Japan

Oppenheimer: "mine too"




That new Tottenham Hotspur Stadium really is something to be admired. It pays host to NFL, boxing bouts and rock concerts. And now it even has a built-in go kart circuit.

You never know ......one day the cunts might even start playing football there.



My nan was doing a crossword. She looked up over her glasses and asked, "Young lovers, longingly stare? Two and four letters."

I said, "To gaze!"

She said, "Probably, knowing your generation."


Before playing for Tottenham Dele Alli was always getting a hard tackle from behind in his younger days...and getting pulled off at half time...


Have you heard the 3 time world limbo champion has been stripped of his title for cheating?

I don't know how anyone could stoop so low.




Robbie Williams has announced a re-release of one of his old singles to help his friend, a well known newsreader.
“Let Me Enter Teen - Huw” will be out next week.

[Piper]

Camilla turns 76 wait? I thought
horses only lived 30 years?


Fender are releasing
a miniature, zinc alloy,
model guitar in memory of
Prince Philip.
The Fender Die-Caster
£99.Including hardshell
case.


Mick and Paddy go metal
detecting, after about an
hour beep! beep! beep!
"Quick Paddy get the
trowel and start digging"
So Paddy starts digging
and they find an old metal
box, they open it up
and it's two WW2 hand
grenades, Paddy says,
"Mick what should we do
with them? I say we take
them to a museum and
sell them." "Good idea," says
Paddy.
So they hop back in the
van and head off down the
road.
Mick says, "Paddy what
happens if one of them
goes off?"
"Well, we tell them we only
found 1 one won't we"


Cristiano Ronaldo phones
up Buckingham Palace
and asks to meet the
Queen. Since he is a
mega star with lots of
clout, Buckingham Palace
agrees and a few days
later he gets his meeting
with her.
"Your Majesty a couple
of months ago you
ennobled an scientist
for his contributions to
ophthalmology," said
Cristiano. "I saw it on TV
and was touched by his
story, how he grew up in
poverty but eventually
became this great and
learned man. He reminds
me of myself a bit,
how I grew up poor but
Managed to become a
Great footballer."
"So," says Cristiano, "I
decided to write a play
about him, all about the
study of eyes and how
they work as well as the
scientists life story. I have
brought the manuscript
to you, so that you can
deliver it to him in person."
Cristiano hands the Queen
the manuscript that he
is carrying. The Queen
squints at his hand writing
on the front page of the
manuscript..." I'm going
a little blind " she says,
" Please could you tell me
what it says here? "
Cristiano replies," Eye Play
For Man You Knighted."
"Yes I know that you
idiot." replies the Queen.

[Bikkie]

"Huw Edwards and Philip Schofield are fighting to play the Sugar plum fairy in the Christmas Pantomime"



"What is Prince Andrew's Favourite Song?


"Thank Heaven for little Girls"





hey say nothing is impossible but with Huw Edwards still collecting a salary, I reckon we've reached the point where bringing the BBC into disrepute is no longer achievable.




Lest we forget

Alzheimers is a terrible illness



Whats the difference between Marriage and Murder?

You get life for Marriage and 14 years for Murder



Ever since the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles found out whom I was married to, they've been making fun of me. Their insult of choice for me is "cow-banger".




Why did the trans man eat only salads ?

He was a herbefore



# Yes it's true. I'm so happy to be stuck with you #

Huey Edwards In The Loos

1986


The biggest scam in life:

Paying taxes on money you make, taxes on money you spend and taxes on things you own, that you already paid taxes on with money already taxed.

It really is taxing.



Manchester United defender, Harry Maguire, is no longer the Club captain.

His wife now decides who gives out the chocolate biscuits.



BBC News: Post Office Scandal - "I Lost Absolutely Everything"

Isn't that a requirement to get a job at the post office in the first place?




I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

It's all about raisin awareness.




What's grey and comes in pints?

An elephant.



The wife asked if I'd put the Wheely bin out

I said "Not yet, I'll do it later ".

She then said "what about the cat?"

I said "I'll ask him but I don't think he's strong enough to push it!"





When life gives you melons

A man will do pretty much anything.



"I have no idea why so many women are attracted to me." I said as I sat there licking my ear.


A Catholic Priest goes in a Disney shop, asks for Aladdin and the Store assistant said aren't you in enough trouble already?





People who don't believe Bigfoot exists are morons.

He's just won Wimbledon!



Politician: We are planning to solve the homelessness epidemic within the next three years.

Public: How?

Politican: By building more bridges for them to sleep under.


I bought a plant off Run DMC today.

You water it, and it grows a little something like this..




There's a lot of street theatre happening around here recently.

Which is evidence of the cutbacks in the health service.

[Piper]

Does Freddie know how
to play guitar?
No, but Brian may.


FIFA stands for :
Football Is For Aotearoa.


BBC News : This year's
Women's football World
Cup is set to break
records.
What for, Vagisil and
Apathy?

Just won two tickets to the
Women’s FIFA 2023 World cup
final
Guess that'll be two
extra empty seats then.


I used to Pride myself
in the knowledge that I
knew and could explain
the offside rule to any
woman.
Not anymore after the
latest changes, that could
have only been written by
a woman :
"According to the new
guidance : where a player
in an offside position
immediately impacts
on an opponent who
has deliberately played
the ball, the match
officials should prioritise
challenging an opponent
for the ball, and thus
the offside offence
of 'interfering with an
opponent by impacting
on the opponents ability
to play the ball, should be
penalised. "


The #metoo movement
was never going to fail
No woman is going to
miss an opportunity to
say ' me.


'Cocaine sharks' off the
coast of Florida may be
feasting on dumped bales
of drugs!!! That's given me
an idea for a new Disney
movie!
Finding Kilo.

[actungbaby]

I had a letter for the local physio
I told my wife i aint going back
Rehab i said no no no.


Sent from my CPH1941 using Tapatalk

[Piper]

Paddy: Murphy told me I'd
save a fortune if I started
smoking e-cigarettes, but
I'm worse off than I've
ever been!.
Mick : I didn't know you
smoked in the first place?
Paddy : I don't horrible
habit.


Bill Gates, Harry Kane and
Paddy were sitting in the pub
one afternoon discussing
stupid stuff that they'd like
to own:
Bill Gates says-"I'd get a
pot to piss in, so no one
could say he used to be
the richest man alive and
now he doesn't have a pot
to piss in!"
Harry Kane says-"I'd
get a cow and a banjo to
hit its arse with, so no one
could say he used to be
England's record goalscorer
but now he couldn't hit a cow's
arse with a banjo."
Finally Paddy says-"I'd
gett a bear and a tree."
Bill and Harry looked confused
and ask him why.
"Because" - says Paddy -
"Everytime I ask someone
a question, the feckin ting
can show them where he
goes for a shite himself."


I fear that AI is going to
put an awful lot of people
out of a job.
Not to mention an infinite
number of monkeys.


"How'd you get on with
that dating website I
recommend?"
"Got a date tonight, she's
fifty."
"Fifty? Going for the low-hanging
fruit eh?"
"Yeah, that's one way to
describe them..."





Turned on the telly earlier
and saw an advert for
Bold Washing Powder with
a white dad and his White
daughters.
I've got the Sky engineer
coming later to check the
settings.

[Bikkie]

With the women's football arriving so soon after the women's tennis Claire Baldings fanny is gonna look a Baboons arse.
She'll be walking around in a T-Shirt that says "Fuck Carpal Tunnel Syndrome."



What's the difference between red and purple?

The grip.



The lioness reported to be loose in Berlin was in fact a straggler from a pride March


My fat, blue-haired tenant told me its pronouns were they/them.

So I doubled their rent.



Depressed, my mate Paddy threw himself in front of a train yesterday.

Thankfully, it was stationary.



Prince Andrew

The Grand old Duke of York
Teenage girls he liked to Pork
He was caught in Town with his trousers Down





"What did Gary Glitter sing outside a School?"

"I've got some sweets in my Van my Van my Van my Van!'




Star signs can tell you a lot about a person. For example, if you believe in them, you're probably a cunt



How can white athletes ever win a race when niggers are hotwired to run quickly from the sound of a gun?




Star signs. It's like racism for women



I saw a big woman wearing yellow dungarees with ginger hair asleep in the toilets at McDonalds so I thought sneak a quick grope of pussy while she was out.
I slipped my hand down the front of her underwear being careful not to wake her but to my horror she had a cock and balls.

I have to say, I felt a bit of a clown



Prince Andrew visited Gary Glitter in prison and asked him for advice on takeaways.





"I teh you what I want, what I learry learry want"

Lyrics from the Rice Girls.

[Bikkie]

"If I don't make it as a female footballer, I'll go back to ironing"

They can't even get golfing terminology right



In order to support my country and see what all the fuss was about, I watched England v Haiti in the Women's Football World Cup.

Worst 90 seconds of my life.



Apparently loads of female footballers want equal pay but to be honest more money would just lead them to things like drug addiction and their tits are already small enough as it is.


My missus said, "The women's world cup is on, are you watching it or coming shopping with me. "




You have to admire the lengths that the French people will go to in order to pay homage to a great British post-war motorcycle.

So the next time you are in Paris, do take a few minutes to go and see the Arc de Triumph.



Just bought my gf a violin for her birthday I asked the assistant to wrap it for me "Would u like a bow ?"she asked I said yes pls it would make the wrapping look nicer



My bank account's been haka'd by a group from New Zealand.

They're all blacks.

A penalty in the all of the first 8 matches of the FIFA Women’s World Cup, what a bunch of (muff) diving …



With the women's football arriving so soon after the women's tennis Claire Baldings fanny is gonna look a Baboons arse.
She'll be walking around in a T-Shirt that says "Fuck Carpal Tunnel Syndrome."



Just opened a pack of Jelly Babies for my kids.
Dipped my hand in the bag to have some and one of the black fuckers nicked my watch!






"I have no idea why so many women are attracted to me." I said as I sat there licking my ear.

[Piper]

How can you tell a 19 year
old black chick is a bloke?
It doesn't have kids.


The English men lose the
ashes.
The English women draw
the ashes.
I think the women with
all the Lezzie's spend a
better chance of winning
it, if they change it to
"The Gashes"


Say what you like about
Prince Andrew, but he's
a massive promoter of
quality kids 'TV
He said he can't get
enough Teenage Student
Minge and Girdles.


I got my missus one of
these sports bras that
helps women play sports.
Complete waste of money,
she's still shit at snooker.


Finances are getting tight,
"We need to economise"
my wife said. "Start with
the little things such as
using toilet paper to clean
your glasses when you
are on the loo instead of
using expensive specs
cleaner."
I wish she had told me
what order to do it in
though.


Talking to a mate at work,
he said, "What rhymes with
orange?"
I said, No it doesn't! "


Let's bring back the old
school Sicki.
How do you get a gay to
fuck a woman?
Shit in her cunt.
( credit Jimmy Carr )


Saw my dyslexic mate
protesting outside the
garden centre holding up a
sign that read:
'Top soil now'.


Trevor Francis was
England's first one million
pounds man.
It was a shit show
compared to Steve
Austin's and his bird wore
a shell suit.


When I looked up "bell
end" in the Oxford English
dictionary, it said, "see
entry for Piers Morgan"

If genitals don't define
gender, how does removing
them affirm it?


My elderly neighbour went
on holiday and asked me
to do the curtains for her.
Strange request but
whatever.
Kinky old bitch.

[Bikkie]

The housewifes of neighbouring Turkey are fuming today as all the washing they hung outside to dry has to be washed again due to being completely covered in Greece.


What's got feathers, fur and scales. lots of legs and lots of wings but can't fly, walk or swim?

Every single bite of Gyro kebab meat you'l eat in the next 12 months




What’s the difference between a Barbie and me?

My girlfriend never bit her Barbies head off.


I'm not saying Will Smith's a wanker but he could star in The Fresh Prints on Bell End.



The lion was strutting through the jungle when he came across a snake.
He approached the snake and said to it, "Who is the king of the jungle?"
The snake replied, "You are, O great lion."
"That's right," said the lion, and he carried on until he came across a monkey, and said to it, "Who is the king of the jungle?"
The monkey replied, "You are, O great lion."
"That's right," said the lion, and he carried on until he came across an elephant, and said to it, "Who is the king of the jungle?"
The elephant picked up the lion in its trunk, and swung it around in the air as hard as it could before throwing it into the river nearby.
"Alright!" said the lion. "There's no need to lose your temper just because you don't know the answer!"




Men are advised to masturbate 21 times a month for cancer-lowering effects.

The other 47 times, just for pleasure.

[Piper]

Have you noticed, as
nights get darker, so do
takeaway delivery drivers?


"My mate used to live next
door to Harry Kane. He's a
bus driver."
"No, he's a footballer."


I tried drinking out of a
Spurs mug but it was
impossible.
When I tried to pick it up, it
kept sliding further down
the table.


The cricket board have
announced that in
deference to women's
cricket, batsmen are
Henceforth to be referred
to as" batters "
Can we go a step further,
and call them Fanny
Batters?


The UN Director General
has announced that the
climate has moved into a
'Global Boiling' phase.
Fucking idiot. Has he seen
how much British Gas are
charging?


Working for British Gas,
Heather Mills was one of
My house calls today.
I can safely say, Sir Paul
McCartney's old boiler is
on its last legs.


" Paddy... What's black at
the bottom and white at
the top?"
"A point of Guinness."
"No, the British class
system"

I just had the worst
blowjob ever.
I was so relaxed I farted
and followed through.


I asked my Chinese gf
for a 69 She said I'm not
getting the wok out this
time of night.


Whoever said "laugher is
the best medicine" never
suffered from erectile
dysfunction.


Einstein said nothing
could travel as fast as
light' well how come I
could hold a torch behind
my head in my Shadow
would reach the wall
before the light

[Piper]

I just went down on
my missus on her period!
Happy red nose day everyone.

[Piper]

I had a massive row with
my wife and threatened to
shoot myself.
She came back a while
later and said, "I see you're
still alive."
"It's harder than you think."
I replied as I put my bow
and arrows away.


I came home to find the
boy wanking the dogs off.
Dyslexic cunt.
I left a note asking him to
walk them.


My wife left me because
she said I was obsessed
with James Bond. I was
shaken, but not stirred.


Went to have an haircut
Barber said, "You want it cut
round back?"
"No," I replied, "I'll
stay here in with everyone
else."


The wife saw the Doctor
about her sore throat.
He said she can't swallow.
So the poor cow's had a
sore throat all these years.


When scientists discover
the centre of the Universe,
a lot of people will be
extremely disappointed.
Not me, though.


Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to
them.


My missus surprised me
by saying last nights anal
was the best we've ever
had together.
So much so she's just
ordered another strap on
in a larger size.


How do you know when
the building of a building
is complete?
When a feminist
previously nowhere to be
seen walks in demanding
equality.


What does foreplay with a
woman have in common
with a cereal packet?
To open slide finger under
flap.

[Piper]

The only highlights from
the women's football would be
if they filmed them having
a shower.


All this women's football
Bollocks is getting a bit
out of hand.
I've just heard on the
radio that Liverpool have
appointed a virgin fat dyke
as their new captain.


I'm trying to think of a joke
about women's football
but I can't get past the first
line.


Who in their right mind
would call their women's
football team The
Beavers?


What's blue and fucks
grannies?
Wayne Rooney in an
Everton shirt.


Philip Schofield gave up
the We Buy Any Car gig,
as soon as he found out
Enter Reg wasn't what he
thought it meant.

[Piper]

What's the difference
between a woman and an
egg?
The egg doesn't follow
the chicken around for 6
months after it's been laid.


I've just been offered a job
on minimum wage on a
zero contract.
"Cool," I said, "When don't
I start?"


As I was drying myself
off in the gym changing
rooms earlier I randomly
hit a semi. A naked
bodybuilder beside me got
angry and said, "I feel like
knocking you out son." I
said, "Why are you looking
at my cock you queer
cunt?!"


Someone has made a
replica of the set Loose
Women out of porcelain
It is so realistic that every
single woman has a chip
on their shoulder.


My mum died because
we couldn't remember
her blood type. She kept
saying, Be positive, but it's
hard without her.


I call my friend, The
Mongolian.
Why, is he big and strong
like genghis khan?
No, Ian is quiite the
opposite.


My wife keeps asking if
we can put the heating
on, but I'm tighter than the
front row of a Travis Scott
concert.


Incest, when you use
ancestry. com instead of
tinder.


The real problem with
FOX News is that it
never actually reports on
anything about foxes.


My woke friend died
Do they still need a wake?

[Bikkie]

BBC presenter Jane Hill has walked out of the Oppenheimer movie after complaining about the audio.

I think she had a fallout with staff.




That Oppenheimer film looks a blast.



Logged into to website of my local cinema earlier to book tickets to see Oppenheimer.
They’re completely sold out for the next six weeks.

Fuck me, they must be making a bomb!





The more Americans I meet, the more I'm convinced they're all of AI.





My friend said his wife likes coffee innuendos I said don't mocha


What do you call a female police officer with a shaved minge?

Cuntstuble.





Freddie Mercury moustache comb up for auction at Sothebys. Other personal aids he gave away freely...

I've just moved in to my new house in Texas and I have lovely new neighbours. Every Friday they must have a laundry club in his garage when he invites all his mates over, all you hear is " We must separate the white from the colours"





I see heaps of women footballers are speaking out about LGBTQ rights during the world cup, despite FIFA's ban.

Those cunning linguists.


It was so cold yesterday that my computer froze.

I suppose it's my own fault though.

I left too many windows open.

[Piper]

Is it true that now, instead
of making a Barbie doll
and a Ken doll Mattel
make one combined doll
plus a doctor doll and the
children play using the
Doctor doll to change sex
of the combined Kenn /Barbie
doll by inserting or
taking out the extra bit?
Oh, the extra bit? That
must be brains, after all
Barbie is blonde.


Virginia WBIG radio
presenter, Don Geronimo,
was fired after he called a
female sports journalist
Barbie Girl and said
he'd mistaken her for a
cheerleader, live on air,
Sharla McBride said she
was overwhelmed by
the support she received
following the incident,
adding, "I'm a blonde
bimbo girl in a fantasy
world, dress me up, make
it tight, I'm your doll."


I'm trying to come up
with a good joke about
hookers, but they all suck.


Researchers at Stirling
University have found that
parents who joke and play
'pretend' games with their
children help them to form
valuable social skills for
life.
So I've told my kids I'm
taking them to Disneyland
next week.


Electric cars can be
powered by wind, solar
power or fossil fuels.
I'd like to see all electric
cars powered by the sea.


Woke snowflakes are
complaining about the 2
fat ladies " bingo call as it
isn't politically correct.
I recommend changing it
to" Heil Hitler. "


For years, we've all been
getting Lewis Hamilton's
name wrong.
It's really Ilton, from
Lewisham.


Maybe now some of the
women footballers will
have the courage and
bravery to come out as
straight.


My football coach said he
wanted to see more of my
'offence capabilities'
So I spray painted 'Fuck
off nigger' on the side of
his car, and walked off
with my middle finger up.

[Piper]

New Definitions :

Symbolic-Imitation testicle.

Flattered - Someone stepped on it after a coypu passed by.

Fettered - Interestingly shaped Greek cheese.

Unfettered - vegan Greek salad.

Anabolic-a. And what would you like with your penis transplant sir? b.That goes nicely with your transition Miss.

Dettered-Clean up after failing over kilburn.

Panting - Jamaican cooking device.

Brucellosis - A disease only affecting Australians.

Hospice - Tasting note for American beer.

Balloon-Mad sheep.

Undeterred - An age-related accident.

Diphthong - Low Beam underwear.

Harpist - After drinking a six-pack of Special Brew.

Contagious - The time it takes an old git to do anything.

Melancholy - A fruit that rounds up sheep.

Focaccia - a. Jeffrey has written another crap book b. Carrie has fun in the hayloft.

Judicious - Kosher washing up liquid.

Subdued - Kosher underwater device.

Osmosis - Biblical Australian character.

[Bikkie]

Only 5000 steps a day now needed to stay healthy. From yesterday's Fitbit data my right arm will live to be 100 but the rest of me is fucked



At my funeral, feel free to say "Fuck I hated that guy!"

After all, I don't plan on attending.




What does the term BOAT stand for?

Bring out another thousand...





Spent my two-week summer holiday in Amsterdam, touring the topless bars.

Had a great time, but I'm sunburnt to fuck.



Those who can, do.

Those who can't, become influencers on TikTok.




Did you hear about the team of mutant trans-women super-heroes?

They're called "The Ex-Men"




Our lodger couldn't pay his rent this month. He asked if there was another way of covering the payment.

I brought the wife in, naked.

Fastest cash payment I've ever seen.




Jada Pinkett Smith.

The only bullet Tupac managed to dodge.




Listening to the National Anthems playing in the Women’s World Cup, I’m struck by how boring and uninspiring they all seem to be.

Why can’t we have something more upbeat and catchy like the chase theme from the Benny Hill show - Yakkety Sax?

At least until they catch Prince Andrew.




Listening to the National Anthems playing in the Women’s World Cup, I’m struck by how boring and uninspiring they all seem to be.

And the National Anthems are no better.



When I go out into town, I like to take my man bag with me.

Although my wife hates that nickname.





The penis joke
The penis lives the saddest of lives
His family are nuts
His neighbour is an arshole
His best friend is cunt and his owner love to give him a good beating



I went to my local and I asked wats the WiFi password is You need to buy a pint 1st barman said I'll have a pint of lager then I asked again wat the WiFi password was You need to buy a pint first Capitol Y Small o small u ...............




Name six Wimmin footballers ? Nope ?
Name six atomic elements from the periodic table?

See, you're closer to being a scientist than you first thought!



I'm not booking with Trivago anymore.

They keep showing how much my rooms cost to everyone else in the hotels.




Wayne Rooney says he's giving his girlfriend a knee-trembler later on

He's hid her zimmer frame





The wife said she wants to go to a nursery and garden centre.

Isn't it dangerous to have babies near spades and hoes?

What do you call someone who's part of the LGBTQ community that's lactose intolerant?

Non-buy-dairy




Feel free to crack jokes about me at my funeral, because it won't be the first time people have had laughs at my expense.




All lemons are actually either male or female.

The male ones have seeds and will randomly squirt in your eye.

And the female ones will suddenly turn sour for absolutely no fucking reason.



Sebastian misleads Ariel in The Little Mermaid while singing, Under The Sea.

The song title refers to the scientific theory that Earth's lithosphere comprises a number of large tectonic plates which have been slowly moving for 3.4 billion years, explaining how major landforms are created as a result of these subterranean movements...and not fucking seaweed.





My Granddad had a stroke and I remembered FAST from MINICLIP:

Force
Aim
Spin
Time

I beat the crap out of him at 8 Ball Pool.




A Nigerian woman, Iranian man and an English woman were having a heated debate on Reddit about being homosexual, and who has it the worst...

The Nigerian woman said, "I clearly have it the worst. In my country if I am found guilty of sexual intercourse with my partner, I'll be lashed 100 times or imprisoned."

The Iranian man replied, "Sure, that is bad.. But if I were found to have sexual relations with my partner the punishment is death!"

The English woman replied, "I don't know what you two are complaining about? Me and my partner both get our period on the same day!"



I no longer see my wife and children due to my gambling.

I won the jackpot and fucked off.




Music critics were always banging on about how Bill Wyman was the weak link in the Rolling Stones.
They seemed to forget how well he knew his way around A minor 13th.




Courage is knowing it might hurt, and doing it anyway.

Stupidity is the same and that's why life is so hard.



Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's goal is for Prince Archie and Princess Lilibet to have a normal life.

Right after they've finished monetising them.




What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.



"Too much love will kill you", sang Freddie Mercury back in the 1980s

Especially like him when it's unprotected & up the shitter

[Bikkie]

I'm positive that all Swedish films are pornos.
There's always a SLUT at the end.





Why can't Elton john eat lettuce?

Because he's a rocket man



What did the lesbian pirate say to her girlfriend?

Scissor me timbers




Prince Andrew says he's in favour of pulling out of ECHR.

Although he can't remember for the life of him which schoolgirls' initials they were



The other night, my mum tried to make a pass at me while drunk. Shocking, really, since she can’t even play football when she’s sober.



I heard you can tell if your partner is having an affair by their excuses for being absent.

I would tell my wife, but she’s taking the ferret to midnight yodelling lessons.





My prudish dyslexic mother is disgusted about the prospect of closer ties with the EU.

She's been hearing these things about joining the Spangle Market & Cumstains Union.



After Wilkos now both Marks and Spencer and Poundstretcher are in trouble.
So much so that they have decided to merge to cut costs and create a larger shop.
They will call it Stretch Marks.



A: 12-1. 8-3. 6-1. 5-2. 2-1.

Q. What are the odds Trump gets convicted of something?



Just watched the latest Virgin Galactic launch on TV.

I noticed two monkeys on the mission to space. Surprised the media didn't pick up on that if I'm honest.



The Omaze Lottery supports RNLI. 1 winner gets a million pound house and 1000s of illegal immigrants get a taxpayer funded 4 star hotel.

Everyone's a fucking winner, eh.




After Fast and Furious 10 , the makers claim to have made the most sequels.
Obviously they've never seen Brazilian anal fisting scat munching sluts 13 .

Unlike me




I think Lenny Henry is a talentless, opportunistic cunt, but I can't say it out loud.

That's cos I've got a sore throat so I'm typing it instead.




I'll tell you that story about going for a walk with Yogi in a sec - bear with me.



I'm going to start a porn site for those sexy TV cooks.

I shall call it 'Only flans'




Getting so much backlash over my new business name.
"All Whites"
I don't understand it. We sell eggs.




In conclusion, there are ten letters.




Why on Earth would you think it was good a idea to take a shit on the public library computer?

Because the sign said "Don't forget to Log out before you leave", your honour



The non - binary form of dude is dooh- dah - day.

[Bikkie]

When I turned down a Trans woman, I got told: You can't refuse, I have a protected characteristic.

So I said: Sorry, I only do bareback.



Finally, after all these years of wishing and hoping, at the end of the England v Columbia game some of the players swapped shirts, the bastards must have known I was watching ‘cos they were wearing bras underneath.



On his Bayern Munich debut, Harry Kane ran over to the ref to complain about a penalty decision, but after a few short words the ref waved him away.

"I don't know what that was all about, he just started blabbering in some really weird foreign language" said the English speaking referee.




How come miss Universe is always won by someone from Earth ?




Our local Wetherspoons must have gender neutral toilets judging by the number of he/hims that miss/missed the bowl.



Watching Chelsea v Liverpool always reminds me of table football.



I saw a man coughing and wheezing the other day.

Turns out, he was a member of Team Rocket.




What do you call a horse doing charlie?


Camilla


"Keep it up"
Words of encouragement.
Unless you have erectile dysfunction.




Woman's Football has been quite a eye opener for me, I had no idea they made high-heeled football boots.



Call me childish if you want, But if I won the lottery, I think my first expensive purchase would be to hire William Shatner to attend the next public address by the mayor of London, and as soon as he started talking, Shatner would have to stand up, shake his fist, and start angrily yelling out "KAAAAAAAAAAAAHN !" over and over again at the top of his voice.

In case Shatner got removed by security, I'd also have Zachary Quinto sitting a few seats away.




Well done English women. I watched the match , we’ve all got a semi!



If England Women beat Columbia at the football, they're going to celebrate in style

They're currently in close contact with a few people who can provide some good stuff to ensure the party goes with a bang




What's the difference between western society and a game of chess?

Blacks aren't first in a game of chess.

[Piper]

I'm a infant schools
teacher, so as fathers
day is fast approaching, I
thought it would be fun
activity to split the kids
into two groups, then get
one group to make fathers
day cards..... and the
other group could just do
some finger painting with
their own shit, or whatever
it is that black kids do to
pass the time.

[Piper]

I never realised how
perverted some estate
agents are, only the other
day whilst browsing
through some photo's of
houses, the male assistant
offered to show me his
semi, I tell you, I was
out of there before you
could say, "has it had a
dampcourse"...


A lot of footballers get
done for drink driving, but
Cricketers are a bigger
menace on the roads.
They're notorious for hit-and-run.


We were in the pub last
night when our mate Dave
turned up in the most
embarrassing shirt you've
ever seen.
"Cost me a hundred fucking
quid this." He said, as we
continued laughing.
"I hope you kept the
receipt." I said with a
smile.
"Too right." he replied, "and
now first thing tomorrow,
this is going straight back
to the Spurs club shop."


It's difficult for young men
to get into the priesthood
nowadays.
Far easier for the
priesthood to get into
young men.


Why did the Catholic
priest cross the road?
He was moved to another
parish after certain
allegations came to light.


Energy bills are to rise
because 'Global Stilling'
means wind turbines
are not producing much
energy.
Because we can always
buy a hurricane if things
get desperate...


'... My girlfriend and I are a
great match.
I have a 9-inch penis.
And she doesn't know
which way round to hold a
ruler.


A new study claims
regular sex can help
people stay slim.
Heads up guys, women do
not like the pickup line,
"How'd you like to lose
some weight tonight?"


I once stood in a nightclub
queue in Newcastle, in the
freezing middle of winter.
All I could see were boob
tubes and mini skirts.
That was just the local
lads.


Growing up, I was often
a guest at Katie Price's
home and her mum
always put on a lovely
spread.
Like mother, like daughter.


Met a black Midget today.
I low fived him.


Saw a group of Chelsea
fans playing football with
acat the other night, I was
just googling the number
for the RSPCA when I
realised the cat was
winning 4 nil.


'Girl footballers suffer
more concussions than
boys.'
They should stick to giving
head instead of trying to
head a football.


I've just seen an episode
of a hilarious new BBC
comedy series, you've got
to watch it, funniest thing
I've ever seen in years!!
It's on every night all it's
called "Women's Football."


Why is women's Football
like buying your first
home?
You always hope for
something bigger, but still
have to spend your time
looking at tawdry flats.

[Bikkie]

Breaking news:

'Manchester United set rapid Mason Greenwood return date.'

It seems their press officer is somewhat dyslexic, has a harelip, or both.





When I was in school I was taught that 2 into 3 doesn't go, but then I saw Pornhub



They could have saved more lives on Baywatch if they weren't running in slow-motion.



Most of the people in England are celebrating the women's football team reaching the world Cup final. Apart from their husbands, who are all hungry and living in messy houses



One great indicator that you're getting drunk is when you find yourself constantly dropping things, like your standards.




And now sport, in todays gashes match in Australia was beaten by England.




Harry Kane is delighted knowing that most of the Bayern team speak English

So much so he is now planning on taking an English language course



Harry kane is finding it hard adjusting to life in Germany because of severe communication difficulties. Same as in England then?



Disney have spent the last month in Saudi Arabia finding Neymar.




Mail carriers, eh?
They're really pushing the envelope.



A cannibal family are having their tea at home.

“Don’t stroke your cock at the dinner table please darling”, says Mum to the eldest kid.

She turns & whispers to her husband, “That’s the second time I’ve told him not to play with his food”


My first gig was the Beatles at the Cavern.
Don't remember it as I wasn't born yet.
Went with my Dad, came back with my Mum.




In the women's world cup, is it PC to say straight red card?.



Is a lesbian nana more bent than a normal one?




My new chat line for non-binary people to meet other they/thems isn't doing very well. Anyway if you want to give it a go, call 0101 101010

[Bikkie]

I’m not saying England’s women’s team played shit to lose 1-0 but the other side did have a 30 minute siesta.





Makes me wish I'd put £50 on England losing.

Instead of a blowjob from the wife. Ouch.



I'm going to miss the World Cup now it's over.

It'll be hard to go into a pub & not hear women yelling about something

I don't understand...



The trouble with women’s football is that whenever one of them is on the ball. They all synchronize and get on the ball all at the same time.
Sorry I meant blob not ball.
Fucking spell check.



Never mind girls, I'm sure they'll be plenty of cups at home in the sink for you.




England women's team found to comprise of Scouse men who identify as women footballers.

Pronouns: We / Was / Robbed




England won the World Cup 57 years ago against Germany.

This year, as a mark of respect, I haven't eaten anything by Heinz.




The Lionesses lost in the World Cup final.

Proof that English women are still at least 57 years behind the men.



England's women conceded a penalty after the player's hand was adjudged to be in an unnatural position.

It want holding an iron or a vacuum cleaner.



Prince William wishes Lionesses all the best ahead of showdown.

He and his old man plan to bag as many as they can until the ammo runs out.



Great news for any husbands of the England Women's Football team...

at least they'll get their dinner tonight and their shirts ironed.




This World Cup has been wonderful for equality. We now know England women are every bit as good as England men at bottling it.


Women's World Cup commentary.
Listen to women endlessly yapping on.

Like they fucking needed an excuse!





I was going to say it's been men against boys...
Shit it's women against girls




How do you tell the difference between the Womens World Cup final, and the Mens World Cup final?


Typical women screaming in the womens final.




You can tell the ENGLAND woman are in the world cup final by the empty shops and empty roads and all the England flags on the cars and houses......NOT 😄😄 #WomensWorldCupFinal




Do they still swop shirts at the end?? Asking for a friend





How far can a black man run?

It's hard to tell, chains are all different lengths.






My biggest fear about climate change is that about half past ten it's gonna start raining men


"HIV Cure Breakthrough"

They've had one in Saudi Arabia for decades - capital punishment for queer sex.





Donald Trump is to issue a 'seal of approval' for his fundraising campaigns, to 'protect his donors from malicious scammers'.

Yeah, that'll do the trick.





Your mum self identifies as Santa Claus.
Ho/ho/ho




Why do we use black pens on white paper?

To make Hangman more realistic.




I asked my gay son, "How many wings does a black rooster have ?"

"Two."

"How many legs does a black rooster have ?"

"Two,"

"How many hairs are on the back of a white cat ?"

"I have no idea."

"Figures you know so much about black cock but absolutely nothing about white pussy."




I identify as an Irish man. My pronouns are dis, dat, dees and does.




My mate told me he now identifies as an ambulance

His pronouns are Ne/Na



Two Jehovah's Witnesses walked up beside me in the supermarket earlier & one shouted, "Do you see the light? Do you see the light?!"

I was getting ready to chin the bastard when the second one said, "No it's ok. I prefer full-fat anyway"




That moment on the beach when a woman stares back at you and then you remember, you’re not wearing your sunglasses.


I now identify as this little piggy.
My pronouns are We/We/We.



What do you call a blind German?

Nat-zee



Sir Walter Raleigh famous for tobacco potatoes and the chopper bike



Discriminate:

How a Jamaican prison officer describes the offender in cell number eight.

[Piper]

The Great Australian Bake
Off's on and the wife said
she loves the feeling of a
Mille-feuille in her mouth.
How can she think
of Harry Potter while
watching a cooking show?


The rising costs of living
has taken a very bad toll
on me over the last two
year's as nearly everything
has skyrocketed in
housing rent, food and all
the bills have significantly
increased two fold.
Fuck this. I'm taking
the cheapest one way
ticket out of this god
forsaken kip to the
cheapest country in
Africa in exchange for all
of this where I'm going
to take the opportunity
of a lifetime where the
standard of living only
costs up to £6 a month.


This 'heat or eat' dilemma
is not as drastic as people
make out.
Switch the central heating
off for 10 minutes and
you can save enough for a
KFC bargain bucket.

[Piper]

BREAKING NEWS :

Chandrayaan-3 has just
landed on the moon, but
reports say the Indians
will be coming right
back as they can't find a
corner to put a fucking shop
on... Cunts!!!


One small step for man
One giant leap for Mandeep.


India becomes first
country to successfully
land a spacecraft on the
lunar south pole.
I didn't even know they
delivered there.


I've just had sex with a hot
Indian girl who was very
impressed with my south
pole.



Just watched that India
moon landing thing.
Bit disappointed the iron
chicken didn't appear in it


India lands on moon
Luna corners shop now
open.


So, this time next week
they'll be call centres and
corner shops on the dark
side of the moon...


India makes histroric
unscrewed landing on the
moon's south pole. When
asked why there was no
crew sent on this mission
a representative replied
"because most of the time
our people like to ride on
the outside of vehicles"


Surprised India decided
to land on the moon
first when most of
women have a tattoo of
Mars on their foreheads.


Houston, we have a
poppadom.


I'm pretty sure the Indian
moon landings are fake.
Those pockmarked
photos of the Moon are
actually a close up of a
poppadom.


I wasn't really paying
attention to any of the
"India on the moon" news
stories, but I just watched
a report about it, and
realised that it isn't even
a manned mission!?!?


Seems like people are
making a hell of a lot
of fuss over them just
sending a probe...
Mind you, I suppose it
makes sense that they
couldn’t get any Indian
guys to go up there.
After all, it's a 3 to 5 day
mission, and no Indian
bloke is going to trust
his wife to run the shop
properly for that long.


Amir Amatmamoon.


The moon is now made of
Paneer.


British Gas set up new call
centre on the arse end of
the moon.


Who imagined that
India would have
the technology for a
successful Bhuna
landing?!


Retro Go

FIDO Go

Guidance Go

Control Go

Telecom Go

Raitha Go

Poppadom Go

Lime pickle Go

Pilau Rice Go

Chicken Bhuna Go


The Indian Dark Side of
The moon.

1.Are you Being Speaking
To Me?

2.Bad Breath ( in the air )

3.On the Runs

4.Thyme

5.The Great Curried Pig in
the Sky

6.Money

7.It's Always Us Against
Them

8.Any colour You Are

9.Brain Damage From
Radiation

10.Lunar Eclipse

Thank you please


I feel like I'm Pink Floyd
this morning.
The wife's finally let me
enter the dark side of her
moon.

[Bikkie]

Now the Indians are on the Moon.

Welcome to the Dark Side...



Now that women's football is taking off, my Fannyni stickers idea is ready for Dragons Den.



Indian's next mission to the moon will be codenamed Operation Moonraper



Congratulations to India for putting the first scam call center on the moon




I find that Japanese girls are often radiant. Especially if they are from Hiroshima or Nagasaki.




Heineken has sold off seven breweries for one dollar.

Stupid cunts, I would have given them $20.



I don't know why it's taken me until now to realise that the Moon occasionally resembles a chapati




If
NASA
Did
It
Again


Non-alcoholic drinks.

For when alcoholics aren't able to drink alcohol.




India would never put a man on the moon.

No one would be willing to close the shop so they could go.



The bloke who invented the time machine has died.

RIP Dave Jones. 1974 - 1746.



Looking forward to REM's comeback single

'If You Believe, They Put A Naan On The Moon'



I've just seen Jamie Oliver making a salad with watercress and lollo rosso.

Although I'm not sure where his other son was.




I've been to the National Railway Museum in York. They've really got a knack for bringing the railways to life.

For example, while I was using the men's urinal, the floor suddenly gave a lurch and I pissed on my own leg.




In honour of Chandrayaan-3 my local Indian shop is doing special 'Moon' prices, £1 for 1kg of chicken. So I went in and gave him £1 and he gave me one drumstick.

I said 'There's no way that's a kilogram!' and he said 'Well my friend, on the Moon a kilogram only weighs 166 grams doesn't it?'



Got chased around the shopping mall earlier by 2 men dressed up as Boeing 747s.
Only just found out they were plane clothed police.

[Piper]

Philip Schofield has a
wonky willy.
From entering the
chocolate factory so
often.


Mark Knopfler is taking it
easier these days.
He is now a consultant of
Swing.


I was at a fancy dress
party recently and pulled
a blonde dressed as a
pheasant.
She was fair game.


My mates about to get
some unwanted police
attention.
I've lean L plate on his
taxi.


The new delta strain
spreads faster than my
skank whore ex, but does
leave less long-term
negative effects and a
better taste in the mouth.


The women's world cup
was on recently...
Apparently

[Piper]

As ULEZ is expanded
throughout London
from today, Sadiq Khan
has a new initiative for
swimmers who use local
authority facilities.
For a 12.50 charge, you'll
be allowed to piss in the
pool.


Not a great day for gay
women in London.
From today they will be
driving around and seeing
a sign every 5 minutes
that says ULEZ.


Let's face it, we're all
shocked by Elton John
suffering an injury in Nice
We all assumed it would
be in Nephew.


Elton John hospitalised
after failing from a
balcony at his French villa.
Or maybe someone
Tossed him off.


Not the first time Sir Elton
has been found on all
fours biting the carpet.


Noises detected in biggest
hunt for the Loch Ness
monster in 50 years could
have been ducks.
Just proves the whole
thing is quackers.

[Bikkie]

My dyslexic mate refuses to admit he's gay.
He's in Daniel.



Relatives of Jack Sonni were approached today by an Egyptian undertaker offering the recently deceased Dire Straits guitarist a complimentary funeral - all for gratis.

He said you get your mummy for nothing, get your crypts for free.





Butler: "Good news, Sir. Latest polling shows you above Prince Harry"

Prince Andrew: "Bollocks. How many underage girls has that cunt fucked then?"




Patient: 'Doctor I've got a problem. Every morning I take a shit at 8am'.

Doctor: 'That's quite normal, whys that a problem?'

Patient: 'I wake up at 9am'



As a modern doctor, if a young boy tells me that he 'feels' like a girl, I start gender reassignment surgery immediately

And in the same spirit, if a wafer thin anorexic girl tells me that she 'feels' fat, I prescribe her diet pills straight away



Wolves' Matheus Nunes refused to train, until he was granted his wish of a transfer to Man City.

Man Utd players are now doing the same in the hope that Harry Maguire takes the hint.



As we age our vision begins to fail us, but our ability to see through other people?s bullshit gets stronger.






Does the Taliban say "White Rabbits"...In Afghanistan it's The 1st of September 1066




I still use Mr. Muscle after more than a decade - "loves the jobs you hate".

I think their slogan is the reason why, contrary to the expectations of these days, I've never seen a black man in a Mr. Muscle advert.

[Bikkie]

What do you call a Canadian who spends all day on the john?


David Furnish





I haven't been very successful with my AI girlfriends.

Maybe I shouldn't start my first sentence with "Can I do you up the ass".


Rock star Alice Cooper has lost a lucrative cosmetics deal after he said of the trans debate: 'I find it wrong when you?ve got a six-year-old kid who has no idea. He just wants to play, and you?re confusing him telling him, 'Yeah, you?re a boy, but you could be a girl if you want to be.''

Yeah, that sort of thing could really confuse young folks. Couldn't it, Alice?



Mrs. Donovan was walking down O?Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, Top o the mornin? To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan And didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago??
She replied, Aye, that ye did, Father.
The Father asked, ?And be there Any wee little ones yet??
She replied, No, not yet, Father.?
The Father said, ?Well now, I'm going to Rome next week And I'll light a fertility candle for ye And yer hoosband.?
She replied, Oh, thank ye, Father?? They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days??
She replied, ?Oh, very well, Father!?
The Father asked, ?And tell me , Have ye any wee ones yet??
She replied, Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!?
The Father said, That's wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing??
She replied, Es gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin? candle!!!


Credit some cunt on facebook.





What did the whore say when I couldn't pay her full price?

Nothing to show more!




Why do transgender 'women' bother having their dick turned inside out to make a vagina?

Anyone sick enough to have sex with them is going to be sticking it up their arse anyway.



As we age our vision begins to fail us, but our ability to see through other people?s bullshit gets stronger.

[Piper]

Whats the only advantage
of being black?
You never have to worry
about Father’s Day.


Why is it called Father’s
Day?
Because Mother Fucker’s
Day was a bit much.


How did Durex wish its
customers on Father’s
Day?
"Happy Father's Day to
everyone who used our
competitors products."


What's the most deserted
place on Father’s Day?
The visitation ward.


Who started Father’s Day?
Certainly not a black guy.


Happy Father’s Day!
Even if you only think
you're the father.


Happy Father’s Day to
someone who's been
completely replaced in his
marriage by Fifty Shades
Of Grey.


What's the most
confusing day in Harlem?
Father’s.


Fucks sake, just had a
gang of niggers rob my
greetings card shop, they
devastated the place.
Still, at least they left the
fathers day cards.


Father’s Day this Sunday
and I guess I'll end up
buying him the same
present as every year.
A new urn


This Sunday is Father’s Day
or in Leroy's case it's
Sunday
It definitely won't be Son
Day.

[Bikkie]

R
D
R
D
P
2
R
D
R
2
1
R
D
R
P
D
R
D
R
D
2
R
D
D
R
D
R
2
1
P
R
D
R
2
1
P
D
R
D
R
D
P
2
R
D
R
D
R
2
1
P
R
D
R
2
1
P
R
D
R
D
P
2
R
D
R
2
1
R
D
R
P
D
R
D
R
D
2
R
D
D
R
D
R
2
1
P
R
D
R
2
1
P
D
R
D
R
D
P
2
R
D
R
D
R
2
1
P
R
D
R
2
P
Nothing special, just a woman parking an Automatic

[Piper]

Due to Covid, international travel is like
having sex with Freddie Mercury.
Your passage might be smooth if
you're lucky but in the long term
you are going to pay for it.


Margaritaville singer
Jimmy Buffett has died.
Wonder what sort of food
they'll have at the wake.


I went to the zoo today
and I saw the rarest, most
endangered species on
the planet.
A woman who wasn't
covered in hideous
tattoos.


My daughter once got
mad because I was
watching one of those
DIY home shows with her
kids in the room and she
actually sneered, "I want
them to watch something
that has plenty of people-of-colour
in it."
"Fair enough," I replied,
as I flipped it over to
Crime watch.


The richest Chinaman is
Cha-Ching Chong.


Hey Girl Are you an
angel? Or is that halo
just a symptom of my
cataracts?


Taylor Swift only makes
music for girls who give
tooth head.
Billie Eilish only makes
music for girls who give
Beachy Head.


A woman walks out of
the shower, winks at her
boyfriend and says,
"Honey, I shaved myself
down there. Do you know
what that means?"
The boyfriend says, "Yeah,
it means the drain is
clogged again."

[Bikkie]

Played Wordl today and got it in one. Took a guess and it was lucky!



American football star Damar Hamlin will return to the NFL after a horrendous injury where surgeons removed 75% of his spine.
He won't be playing receiver anymore though and is now a quarterback.




I tell people my job is spreading Swiss chocolate.

It sounds better than saying I'm a Lindt roller.





I was explaining to Rosie Jones about the day I met the front man of Take That and we ate some fruit biscuits.

Garibaldi ?

Close it's pronounced Barlow




I'm off to meet some bloke called poitier in Australia

Sydney?

No adelaide




People who handle deliveries: Are they all big, rough, clumsy, tattooed, uncouth idiots or were we just unlucky on our maternity ward?




Chris Rock may be a popular comedian but it must be awkward signing your fans' tits with Tippex.



I think I could win that darts tournament I'm entering in East Africa,

Kenya?

Yeah, I reckon I can




i was in the south of france at a nudist beach last week.
Brest?
yeah and fanny


Why don't the England Rugby Team do a world cup song with David Essex?.

Knock on.




My wife came back from the hairdressers today with a short back and sides.

She reminded me so much of our son I had to fuck her up the arse after she had sucked my cock.


I'm just incredibly bored by the whole 'identity politics' thing.

My pronouns are ho/hum.




I'm in hospital in the capital of Switzerland

Bern?

No I fell over skiing




Mason Greenwood and Antony walk into a chippy in Manchester.

"What'll it be boys?" Asked the assistant.

"We don't give a fuck, "said Greenwood, "so long as it's battered."




I saw two white guys sitting under a tree hiding from the sun, they looked shady.
Then I saw two black guys sitting in the sun, they also looked shady.


A good way to contextualise Prince Andrew is to think of Cinderella.

In his version, he still holds the ball - except he marries one of the ugly sisters. Cinderella never meets him, stays at home, regularly gets pimped out & then one day he sticks ?12 million quid through her letterbox.

And they all live happily fucking ever after.




With the warm weather there's lots of sexy girls out today.

Their skirts are so short you can tell what brand of nappy they're wearing.



My wife is from the south of Italy. She's got cracking tits.


Naples?


Like fucking saucers mate.




My grandad gave me some sound advice on discussing politics when I was younger.

?Your political views should remain hidden, just imagine you're locking them away so they don'
t cause harm, like black people?



The latest covid variant is called Pirola. Pirola is also a Spanish slang word for Penis.

As in: Take off your mask, you look a right Pirola.



It's good to see transgender people taking such an active role in modern life.

Like Kevin Keegan, for example.

He's stopped perming his hair to make himself look more masculine and is now calling himself "Gillian".



Heterosexuals.

Keeping the species going for the last 3 million years so you can pretend that you're a woman.




When someone says 'Can I ask you a question? ' they actually mean 'Can I ask you two questions? '

[Piper]

According to the advert,
nothing satisfies like a
Subway footlong.
So that's why Leroy's wife
squeezes herself into
underground trains in
Harlem every night.


Blowjobs here, blowjobs
there I love giving
blowjobs everywhere. I
love being a leaf collector.


Man: Can I get a
hamburger with cheese?

Me: We only accept cash
or card.


I'm never going for a
Indian with Madonna
again. She kept banging
on about the values of
a flat, crispy flour-based
fried food designed to
accompany dishes.
Talk about poppadum
preach.


My buddy says he’s
seriously losing his
hearing and believes it’s
due to endless years of
listening to Deaf Metal.


I got in touch with my
inner self today.
That's the last time I buy
Value toilet paper.


The source of American
obesity :
In 1984 the UK song "Feed
The World" was released.
IN 1985 the Americans
released the song "We Are
The World"

[Piper]

And the man credited with
inventing the teddy bear
grabbing machine, finally
admitted today that he
got his inspiration from
watching a blind man
trying to pick his guide
dog's shit up.


"I will look for you, I will
find you, and I will kill you."
And just like that, Liam
Neeson's grandson didn't
want to play hide and seek.


So in the really old days
you would get your
surname by what you
did or what you were, so
Baker or Butcher or Smith
or Farmer Right.
I knew a chap called
Rutter once which worried
me a bit, but then I met a
chap called Dickinson...
I mean how did they know
and why did they not try to
stop the bastard?

PS I know a Hillary Fluffer
once as well and I didn't
have the heart to mention
this.

[Bikkie]

Ironically, white people actually have the lightest fingers.




I went to Belgium for the weekend. Went to a restaurant which did a full english Sunday roast dinner. Chicken, stuffing, Yorkshires, roast potatoes and lots of green veg.

Brussels?

No, I went for the broccoli





I went to Northern France last weekend to watch a live gig which was headlined by a famous american female solo singer.

Brittany?

No, Beyonce




I went to visit my parents in Scotland last weekend.

Mother well?

No, Dundee



Three family relatives were at the solicitor's office. The son who has lead a sensible life with a wife and two kids, the other son who is focused on his career and the other son who was a right horrible heroin addict. Their father has died and has left a vast fortune to be distributed between the three.

The first son is left with the house, on the will it says 'I understand you have a wonderful loving family so I leave you my house.'

The second son is left with the furniture and paintings , on the will it says 'I understand you were very fond of my furniture and paintings so I leave you my furniture and paintings'

The third son, the horrible heroin addict, was rubbing his hands, thinking he's gonna get the money.

The solicitor hands him a box. The third son is perplexed. He opens the box and finds a big enormous dildo.

The solicitor reading the rest of the will says, 'I leave all of my money to go to charity to help with orphans with drug problems.'

The third son grabs his dildo and is enraged an throws it across the room! He then finds a note in the box. It's from the deceased father.

The note says...

'If you think I'm funding your habit, you can go fuck yourself....'





An interestingly ironic fact I've just read. In Spanish, the translation for "Non binary" is either "No binario" or "No binaria"....... But the one you should use is dependent on the GENDER of who you're talking about. ??



I've just had a haircut in Northern Ireland.


Antrim?


Yeah, beard & pubes.




The one thing cookbooks and porno mags have in common, is that the best pages are always stuck together.




"Yeah I'm over the moon, I mean it doesn't matter which end it goes in, a goal is a goal" Harry Maguire told reporters.



The only thing more dangerous than two women running with scissors is two women scissoring with the runs.



Meghan finds out she's 43% Nigerian.

Niger is 62.5%. Maybe she deducted 20% for a missing g?




Wife: "Hey you only fucked me for five minutes"
Husband: "That was doggy style so in doggy years it's been over an hour"



Just eaten a big steak while listening to Susan Vega.

Fuck the system.




According to the Wall Street Journal, Americans consume so many laxatives there is now a national shortage.

Hardly surprising. Most Americans are full of shit.

[Piper]

Mark Bolan would be still alive
today , had he not let his girlfriend
drive.

[Bikkie]

The only 'Second Coming' Donald Trump will experience in 2024 will be courtesy of his cellmate.


High Court judges love irony.

They ask people to swear not to tell lies by placing their hand on a Bible.




BBC's Horrible Histories is telling kids that Romans were Black.

It's an obvious falsehood, because they built roads, walls, villas and....baths.




On a recent visit to Kensington Palace, Prince Harry and Meghan took a stroll through the grounds. Seeing an old, shortsighted gardener had dropped some tools from his wheelbarrow a short distance from where he was trying to dig a hole with a trowel, Harry picked them up and walked over.

Excuse me, you might find it easier to use this spade, he said with a smile.

That's very kind, Sir, thank you, said the gardener. Turning to Meghan, he said, find yourself a shovel darling and I'll show you where to get digging.




I wonder how many, who were never told the story about the boy who cried Wolf, are now wishing they could have their tits or penises back?.

[Piper]

The hills have eyes. Not
entirely true. Mr and Mrs
Hill next door to me don't
have any due to an acid
attack...


This dog, is dog, a dog,
good dog, way dog, 2 dog,
keep dog, an dog, idiot
dog, busy dog, 4 dog, 30
dog seconds dog.
Now read again without
the word "dog."

[Piper]

I hate it when the clocks
go forward because it's
an hour less I can hate
the fucking government.


Feminist britches
beware! There's a load of
dyslexic men out tonight,
flicking their cocks
forward.


At my age, "spring forward"
is less about Daylight savings time.
And more about my
attempts to get out of a
chair.

[Bikkie]

Looking forward to tuning into today's look into the issues faced by the LGBTQ Community, as well the racial injustices encountered by black people on a daily basis, and the sexism that exists currently in society

Or 'Football Focus' as it's otherwise known




Scottish space program announced.

I doubt they'll ever toss a caber that fucking high.




My wife actually wants me to go buy a recliner fo the homo-trans son to sit in whilst he plays 'The Sims' video game.

"Great, a Lazy Boy for the Lady Boy."




In the 1700's people used to pay to visit the Bedlam lunatic asylum in London to witness the patients bizarre behaviour, strange dress and insane rantings.

Nowadays, you can just walk down any street or turn the TV on to see the same thing for free


Rumours abound about a romance between Jennifer Aniston and David Schwimmer.

I always knew they were more than just friends.



Bob Geldof looks like Donald Trump on the Zombie drug




It must be terrible for Oprah Winfrey, Samuel L Jackson, Whoopi Goldberg, Eddy Murphy, Halle Berry, and Will Smith, to think about their huge multi million dollar mansions, their expensive cars, and clothes, the opulent food on their table, the exotic holiday destinations they go to in private jet's, Their bank balances that are bigger than the GDP of a lot of African countries........ and realise that their lives could have been so much better if it wasn't for all the white supremacy holding them back.




On sky news today they announced details of a Scottish space program ffs, just imagine in years to come.
Sutherland we have a problem ,Hamish has forgotten his methadone.



Rupert Murdoch is to step down as chair of Fox and News Corp.

Murdoch was responsible for the serialisation of the fake diaries of Adolf Hitler in his Sunday Times.

In a strange twist of fate, he was also recently divorced from Jerry Hall.

I always thought Jerry Hall was where Germans held their balls.









Talking to my mate over a few pints in the boozer:

'So, what's your favourite sexual position then?'

'I like a few of them - doggy style, reverse cowgirl, spooning, it's all good.'

'Yeah, my missus isn't much to look at either.'



Can't see the re-make of the classic 'Bullitt' being any good.

It's set in Wales.



After her trial, someone suggested Lucy Letby was a female incel.

I guess she's a female in cell now.



It's so confusing going to hospitals these days.

There's so many signs saying 'No Smoking', and just as many LGBT posters.

Basically, you can't go outside to suck on a fag, but it's fine to have a drag and blow a few puffs.




Can you imagine if they made The Two Ronnies now?


It's goodnight from me ....

.... And it's goodnight from him/her/she/them/that/it





The Turkish FA have sacked their German manager after Turkey lost to Japan.

Kuntz.




Vanessa Feltz has revealed that her favourite sex position is 'reverse cowgirl'

Her shocked and visibly shaken former partner said "I actually thought she'd been sucking me off all those times, but it turns out that what I'd actually been looking at, was in fact her enormous arse"




Where do Joan Jett and the Blackhearts live?




Isle of rock and roll




Ryanair passenger attacks staff and smashes furniture and a computer during Palma airport rampage after missing his flight.

Never seen Michael O'Leary so angry.





Cant believe there are 3.8 billion woman on this planet and its still not fucking clean!





Watch out King Charles!

Judging from the newspaper photos, Macron the Granny Shagger has got his eyes on Queen Camilla.




"Isn't she lovely" - Stevie Wonder

How would that cunt know?




Just heard Chris Rea has re-released his big Xmas hit for the Welsh, it's been renamed Driving Home for Easter?




Roger Whittaker has finally left old Durham Town.





Today's Wordle. I didn't get it in one but it was close.


My next door neighbours dog keeps trying to mount anything that moves...it's a Jack Russell brand

[Piper]

The Government outlines
the Road to Freedom...
... Or is it the Road to
De-Mask Us?


Statistics are like Bikini
Atoll...
Their essence utterly
obliterated for the purpose
of proving a political point.


Debating.
Where a Jamaican likes to
sail his boat.


What's the difference
between a politician and a
Feminist?
Politicians occasionally
do things for the benefit of
the society.


Voting is like going to
the movies. You suspend
disbelief in a world of
ridiculous fantasy hoping
that what comes next
doesn't suck.


Gay rights campaigners.
They've never had a
decent crack.


What's the difference
between football and
politics?
In football you’re allowed
to use your head.


"Doctor, how much longer
is covid going to last?"
"Don't ask me, I'm not a
politician."


A politician walks into a bookshop.

"Excuse me, have you got
any books on honesty?"
"Yes," replied the
assistant, "may I
recommend," Take Only
What You Need " by Olivia
Strapon, at £8.99"
"Yes,that's great can you
make the receipt for £25
please for my expense
account."


I dated a politician with
a case of uncontrollable
diarrhoea, she followed
through on all her
promises.


Budget:

I'd clear the tax problems.
Don't tax retailers like Ann
Summers.
Put a bigger tax on
batteries.


If women ran the world we
wouldn't have wars.
Just intense negotiations
every 28 days.


Believe or not, I was all in
favour of women being
allowed to vote.
Until I saw how many
think those Sunday Sport
Stories are genuine.


My fat feminist labour
voting wife unbelievably
told me today that she's
looking forward to "The
Great Reset!"
"Fuck that to hell," I
replied, "Jews and the
Ultra-wealthy pulling
the strings, going to
put women, blacks,
pakis, and people with
bizarre sexual identities
running government and
corporations and such!"
"Uh, not that, I mean I
somehow pressed 'Input'
and couldn't get back to
Hulu and I need you to
reset the thing so I can go
back to watching the telly
all day."


How do you shut up a
Feminist animal rights
Campaigner?
Ask her if she's pleased
about winning the jockey
in the Grand National.


It is easier for a Camel
to go through the eye
of a needle than a
Conservative to enter the
Kingdom of God.


To applaud a politician
because he/she has
built a school, hospital
or something with
public funds is just like
applauding an ATM for
giving you your own
money.


I think we should stop
looking for signs of
intelligent life in space,
and start searching for at
least a trace of it in the
Conservative party.


Choosing the next prime
Minister is like deciding
which portaloo to use on
the third day of a rock
festival!

Communists really do live
up to their saying, "Take
money from the rich"
Most of them were raised
in upper class homes and
still live with their parents.


I sent my conservative
mate online the 1998
movie "Cube", about
political prisoners thrown
inside an endless Rubiks
Cube maze with lethal
booby traps like sudden
acid baths;and I said,
"This is where in only a
couple of years people doing
'misinformation' here and in
Canada and such against the
PC state will get thrown."


Funny how the people
who complain most about
society also happen to be
those who contribute
the. least.

[Piper]

Catchphrase in 5 years time.

Bing!!
Well Paul you’re answer
was technically correct,
but Geoff over there
shouted his incorrect
answer louder, so he takes
the point unfortunately.
Oh, and Susan was
actually offended by your
answer, so she gets the
bonus point.


Sir Elton John and David
Furnish have issued a
strongly worded request,
that the government
continue to offer asylum
to gays, whose countries
of origin have made
homosexuality illegal!
The statement in full :
Please don't cut off your
supply!


Cleavage - it's like the sun.
You can look, but it's
dangerous to stare.


Survivor - Outwit, Outplay,
Outlast.
Love Island - Faster, Harder,
DEEPER!

[Piper]

It's so cold in parts of the country,
hookers are charging $20
to blow on hands.


What girls really mean.

We can be friends....... Fuck
Off.

Your very sweet
but....... Fuck Off

I have a boyfriend
already....... Fuck Off

I'm gay....... Fuck Off

I'm not sure I can manage
the wheelchair....... Fuck Off

I'd sooner suck your dog
off....... Fuck Off

I'd sooner fuck
myself with the rough
end of a revolving
pineapple....... You've been
told to fuck off once.



Every time I ring a
company I always get the
same message.

"Please hold we will be
with you shortly."

All I want to know is, How
the fuck did they know my
names Shortly.



Hello, hello. It's good to be
back, it's good to be back.

Hello, hello. It's good to be
back, it's good to be back.

Did you miss me, Every
single day.

It's been the best
disappearing act since
Glen Miller...

[Bikkie]

For chicken to be considered 'halal' it must be killed in the traditional Muslim way.

How the fuck do you put a backpack on a chicken?





Apparently, in Robin Hood; Prince of Thieves, Robin was travelling to Sherwood Forest from Jerusalem stopping at the Sycamore Gap tree in Northumberland.

I guess Lady Marian was doing the map reading.




"Did you buy that jumper on the West Coast of America recently?"

"Yes"

"New Jersey?"

"Yeah, do you like it?"



"I served Diane Abbott in KFC today"

"How can you be sure it was her?"

"She asked for five Big Macs"




Ben Shephard is set to replace Phillip Schofield as Holly Willoughby's partner on This Morning.

Ben is surprisingly white, non-trans and doesn't take it up the shitter.



James Bond to stay male, will be played by Elliot Page.





The BBC'S dramatisation "The Reckoning" about Jimmy Savile's depravity, is finally going to be broadcast. They say the King told them to pull it.

But he was only a Prince back then.





Apparently the female version of Teabagging is called Flapuccino.




Been racing the other blokes on site all week seeing who can get changed into our work clothes the fastest.
I wasn't great at boots and gloves but I was however the overall champion !





This Big black prostitute who was also a Chelsea fan, got a tattoo of John Terry and Frank Lampard on the inside of her thighs.She says to her punter "If you can guess who they are you get a free shag". He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those two ugly bastards are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Shaun Wright-Philips!





'Black Lives Matter' are a bit like Hollywood -

If the villain's not white, they're not interested.





Right again, Einstein! Scientists prove that 'monster' black hole is SPINNING.

Will explain Diane Abbott's dizzy spells.





BBC News - Europe's oldest shoe found in Spanish bat cave

Strange, I thought the bat cave was American?




Jason Momoa dressed up as Johnny Depp on the set of Aquaman 2.

I'm betting it didn't take him much to frighten the shit out of Amber Turd





My pregnant wife has hinted she wants to name our unborn son after a screwdriver.


I'm pretty sure that Flathead will get bullied at school though.

[Bikkie]

I sat opposite a lady on the bus today with large breasts and a see-through jumper on.

I thought to myself I hope she gets off at the next stop.

Because I have missed eight stops already...




The true definition of white privilege.

Arguing with a frothing xenophobic bigot on Twitter whilst simultaneously trying to think of a racist joke to put on Sickipedia.




Left-handed gays prefer a cock Cornish pasty.




I buy all my guns from a bloke called T-Rex.

He's a small arms dealer.





I saw a woman trying to park her car in a Tesco car park.

After a few minutes I went over and said, "Would you like me to do that for you?"

"No thanks," she replied.

"Are you sure?" I asked, as I walked out with my shopping an hour later.



Breaking news:

Paul Pogba positive to testosterone.

He thought he was buying a Ferrari.



Fucked a dog the other day.

Whippet?

Nah, just slapped it's arse a bit.




Shagged a sheep farmer from West London the other night.

Shepherds Bush?

No, it was shaven actually.




What do Man Utd and Sir Alex Ferguson have in common? They're both back on the market.




At school, we were taught that a minus multiplied by a minus becomes a plus. Yet, when I told the bank to times my overdraft by my mortgage arrears and let me have the remainder, they told me to fuck off.




My mum's a lesbian and she's learning to speak the Irish language.

Gaelic?

She probably does.



My dad's a homosexual. He lives in India now.


Mumbai?


I don't know actually. I'll ask her.




AOC asks why Congress needs a house speaker when everyone already has headphones.



I've just opened up a wholesalers in the Middle East

Dubai?

Yes and sell.





We're finally off mountaineering in Morocco!


Atlas


I know, after all these years!





I once asked Wayne Rooney if he'd ever seen The Joy of Sex

He said she's 67 & charges $100 per hour




Went too a lynching in Lancashire yesterday.

Blackburn?

No, we hung the fucker




October 8th marks the start of the Labour Party Conference in Liverpool. Rumours suggest that VAR will be in attendance just in case any policies are accidentally formulated.




My favorite conspiracy theory is everything happens for a reason.



One of our black employees came into my office and asked, "Can I use the colour printer?"

I said, "In this day and age Leroy, you can use any printer."





I got a part time job making plastic Draculas.

It's great but there are only two of us, so I have to make every second count.



How do you knock out a female Muslim boxer?
With A-JAB





The companion show 'The Great British Bake-off: An Extra Slice' is great if you're a bulimic.

You get to stuff yourself with cakes whilst watching the main show, then Jo Brand's face makes it all come back up again.




I'm sure King Charles will change his views on immigration when his building and contented insurance assessor tells him that the value of Buckingham palace has dropped by a third, and his premiums have doubled, all because the building's now classed as bang in the middle of a huge high crime zone.




I thought I'd have a quiet night in last night, so I watched a gangster film and ordered a pizza.

Domino's?

No, Goodfella's.




There's a Netflix documentary about the Beckhams where Victoria moans about Rebecca Loos.

I'd rather hear from the missus of the pig Rebecca wanked off - She'd be better looking, more intelligent and be able to carry a tune.





The wife complained that we need to spice up our sex life, she wanted to feel like she had ants in her pants again, I said best I can do is crabs.





Did you know if you freeze used tampons you can pass them out as popsicles to vampires?




A blond had recently dyed her hair brown, to get away from being made fun of for being blonde.

One day she was driving down a country lane and saw a farm with lots of sheep, and she became enamored by the thought of having a big fluffy sheep as her own. She drove up the long drive to the farm house and knocked on the door. When the farmer answered she asked him a question.

Sir, if I can guess how many sheep you have, would you give me one of the baby sheep as my own?

The farmer scratches his head, and thinking how impossible it would be as he had hundreds of sheep agreed.

Well the lady spends a couple hours walking around ostensibly counting sheep, and as the sun is setting, knocked on the door again.

Well sir, I've counted and counted sheep, and by my estimate you have 875 sheep, not including the babies.

The farmer, amazed, because he'd checked his paperwork and did Indeed that many adult sheep.

He agreed, and she went down to the nearest paddock, and picked up the fluffiest, cutest animal she could.

As she was getting into her car to leave, the farmer hollered out to her.

Hey miss, if I can guess your real hair color, can I have my sheep dog back?





I met this girl in Jackson southern United States who could only consume small amounts at a time from her beer. I didn't half call her some funny names.

Mississippi?

Yeah that one too!





Kemi Badenoch has said that Britain is the best place to be black.

I say: not if the black person in front of you is carrying a knife.




Black History month.

Thousands of the fuckers are history with all the knife-crime in Sad Dick Khan?s London.




My nickname's London Bus.

Because I come in threes.





It was a snowy day at the White House and President Trump decided to walk outside in the Rose Garden to clear his head. As he walked around the Rose Garden, he noticed yellow, cursive writing, peed in the snow that read, "Convict Trump."

Outraged, Trump brought over the Secret Service and demanded that they investigate. After taking some time for a thorough investigation, a Secret Service agent approached Trump and said, "We've completed our investigation and I'm afraid we have two bad pieces of information for you. The first is that the urine in the snow matches the urine of Vice President Pence."

Trump reeled from the news and said, "That's terrible. I can't imagine anything worse. Did you say there were two pieces of bad news? What's the second one?"

The agent responded, "The handwriting is Melania's."




two mathematicians were in a restaurant. One of them was a hard-core misogynist and claimed that women were never any good at maths, especially the blonde ones. His friend claimed that there was no difference and that women were just as capable as men. When the misogynist went for a cigarette, the other guy called over the blonde waitress.

“My friend and I are having an argument. When he gets back I’ll call you over and ask you a question. The answer you need to give is ‘a third X cubed’. Can you do that?”

“Thurdeks coobed?”

“a third X cubed.”

“a Third Ekscubed. Sure I can do that.”

The other chap comes back to the table and his friend says.

“I’ll prove to you that women are as good as men at maths. See the blond waitress; I’ll ask her a question and we’ll see if she knows any maths.”

So he calls the waitress over and asks, “What is the integral of X squared?”

As quick as a shot, she comes out with “A third X cubed.”

The misogynist is stunned. The waitress smiles and walks away.

Then she stops and calls back, “plus a constant.”



I'm the UK's high jump champion, with a lifetime best of 0.14 metres.

I owe it all to marijuana.




My wife and I used to have a fantastic sex life.

Then we met.





The one thing politicians & porn stars have in common is, they're both experts at switching positions in front of a camera.



Freddie Mercury: " Brian, my arsehole is bright red and itchy"
Brian May: " Ring sting"
Freddie Mercury: " How the fuck will he know what's wrong with it?"




Daily Telegraph: Royal Navy tells personnel to use pronouns in Trans guidance, to avoid "micro aggressions".

What was wrong with: Hello Sailor?.




It was winter in the Scottish highlands and nobody had seen McDougall for a week. A search party sets out and they find the snow up to the roof of his cottage.

One of the party goes up to the chimney and shouts, “McDougall, are you there?”

McDougall replies, “Aye, who is it?”

The rescuer says, “It’s the Red Cross.”

McDougall shouts, “Away, I gave last month.”



Looking for one night stand.
I'll take two though as I have two bedside lamps.





What do you call your mum's angry French sister?

A Croissaunt.


I stopped a bloke in the street and said, "Can you help me? I'm looking for a rubbish tip."

He replied, "Spurs to win the Premier League."




......... All I'm saying is that maybe it would be interesting to have a good look at Guy Fawkes's original plan, Identify where it went wrong, work out what could be done to fix those problems, and how the plan could be improved upon by using modern explosives.

[Piper]

Happy National Mental
Health Day.
GO nuts!!


A man walked into a
Psychiatrist's office
wearing nothing but a pair
of polythene underpants.
The psychiatrist said, "I
can see clearly your nuts."

[Piper]

Now I'm in the shit...
I thought it was Black Fry
Day.

[Bikkie]

I saw a Pakistani filling up his car at the garage.

He squeezed seven adults and fourteen children in.





Only twelve people have walked on the Moon.

I just wish Sting had fucking stayed there.




Rishi Sunak became the first Prime Minister since Winston Churchill to stay aboard a Royal Naval vessel.

Sailors used to have to walk the plank, not salute it.




The football commentator keeps calling a black Republic of Ireland player Ogbene.

It's O'gbene!.





Just saw my neighbour.

"Awful Weather Today"

He said "Yeah For F Ducks"

I said "Is that still legal then."




As a dyslexic, I'm really looking forward to seeing the movie of Taylor Swift's Arse Tour.




What do u call a Frenchman wearing sandals Phillipe Flop





Im not sure whos more bent BBC Question Time or the Italian football league




I couldn?t believe my eyes when I saw members of the same family having sex on a poker table. But then I saw someone up the auntie.




A homeless man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, ? If you give me a free drink, I'll show you a trick that will blow your mind.?

The bartender is naturally skeptical and says, ? Show me the trick first and if it blows my mind I'll give you that drink.?

The homeless man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a mouse and sets it on the bar. The mouse runs down the bar to the bar's piano and starts running along the keys, playing a tune.

The bartender is suitably impressed and gives the homeless man a free drink.

The homeless man says, ? If you give me another drink I'll show you another trick that will blow your mind even more. ?

The bartender wasn't sure how the homeless man could outdo the piano playing mouse, but he says, ? If you can top that mouse, I'll let you drink free all night.?

The homeless man smiles and reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a frog that proceeds to sing along to the tune the mouse is playing.

The bartender says,? Okay, you're drinking free all night.?

Another patron of the bar approaches the homeless man and says,? I'll give you five hundred dollars for that frog right now!?

The homeless man says, ? Sold!?

The man gives him the money, picks up the frog and walks out of the bar as happy as a clam.

The bartender is stunned and asks, ? Why in the world did you do that!? You had a singing frog! You could have made millions with that thing, and you let it go for a measly five hundred bucks!??

The homeless man just smiles,shakes his head and says,? Nah,that frog was worthless.? He points at the mouse and adds, ? It's all the mouse,he doesn't just play the piano, he's also a ventriloquist.?



Son: "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter".
Father: "Oh hoo, I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell you something son, but you must
promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even
hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Oh ho, I wish you hadn't said that.
Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so
mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with
six girls but I can't date any of them because daddy is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
"My love, you can date whoever you want.
Don't listen to him. He is not your Father."!!!
Son Fainted... :p



Heroin needles are like children.

Frequently abandoned by niggers.




Typical Muslim logic

Bite the hand that feeds you.
Then whine like a bitch when you stop getting fed.




If I got a dollar for every time I was paranoid I'd wonder who was paying me and why?



If you join the Conspiracy Theories Club, chances are you won't believe what the first rule is.



It's Black History Month on Sky.

After 13.5 billion years of the universe, I think we can allow them that.




They're not happy in Gaza ..
They're not happy in Egypt ..
They're not happy in Libya ..
They're not happy in Morocco ..
They're not happy in Iran ..
They're not happy in Iraq ..
They're not happy in Yemen ...
They're not happy in Afghanistan ...
They're not happy in Pakistan ..
They're not happy in Syria ..
They're not happy in Lebanon ...

SO.. WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?

They're happy in Australia ..
They're happy in Canada ..
They're happy in England ..
They're happy in France ..
They're happy in Italy ..
They're happy in Germany ..
They're happy in Sweden ..
They're happy in the USA ..
They're happy in Norway ..
They're happy in Holland ..
They're happy in Denmark ..

Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim and unhappy in every country that is!

AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?

Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN !

AND THEN- They want to change those countries to be like, THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!
Excuse me, but I can't help wondering...
How frigging dumb can you get?
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some bloke in a tower
- More than one wife
- More than one mother-in-law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkeys
- You cook over burning camel shit
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
- Then they tell them that "when they die, it all gets better"???

Well No Shit Sherlock!....
It's not like it could get much worse!





I tried to join an exclusive S&M club but i got blackballed, It was great.





The wife's given up smoking.

Ever since she started using Vaseline on her knees and elbows.





I've always believed you should never focus on the negative, which is probably why I made such a lousy photo technician





I'm getting a reversible jacket for Christmas.
I can't wait to see how it turns out.




You know Christmas is coming when the demos start in London and the looting begins.




You know Christmas is coming when the demos start in London and the looting begins.





Just read a really sad story about how blind people get used to new surroundings.

Touching stuff.



I went to the Doctors and told him I can't stop looking at 17 year old black girls.

So he's given me some nigger teen patches.




Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?
-
Just switch off the lights




If the number 666 is considered evil,
25.8069758 is the root of all evil.



Wife - I had a dream last night where I was at at an auction and they were selling penises. The big ones went for 20 quid and the thick ones went for 30
Husband - How much did the ones like mine go for?
Wife - Oh, they just gave those away...
Husband - I had a dream where they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand pounds and the tight and attractive ones went for multiple thousands...
Wife - And how much for one like mine?
Husband - Where do you think we were holding the auction?



Big Brother UK 2023.

No need to adjust your colour or contrast settings.





How come the Labour Party is having its conference in Liverpool?

I thought they were the workers party?




I’m not saying that my mate is thick but he asked me if a menstrual cycle was cheaper than a Raleigh.




Showbiz news:

Fleetwood Mac singer Stevie Nicks gets her own Barbie doll.

They must be well overpriced if she's only just managed to save up for one.


The wife's had floor, ceiling and wall-to-wall mirrors installed in every room in our house.

The Doctor told her to watch her weight.





I called my boss and said, "I won't be coming in today, the car won't start."

He asked, "What about the bus?"

I replied, "I don't have a bus."





White DJs on the radio play music by various artists.

Black DJs on the radio only play music by black artists.

Racist cunts.


A Russian agent arrives at a small Welsh station and asks for Mr Jones.

“Well,” says the stationmaster, “there’s Jones the Milk, Jones the Meat, Jones the Flowers, Jones the Undertaker. In fact, my name’s Jones.”

The agent whispers to him, “The eagle doesn’t walk over the mountain.”

“Ah,” says the stationmaster, “you want Jones the Spy.”





Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You'll get a better understanding, but it dies in the process.




The Rolling Stones are re-releasing one of their greatest hits to help with aid in Gaza.
GIMME SHELTER drops in shops tomorrow.

[Piper]

I thought I saw a cow's
arsehole on the television.
Then I realised it was
Donald Trump's mouth.


Amazon have been
accused of peddling
knock-off products and
fiddling search engine
results.
In other news, it was
revealed that the earth
goes round the sun and
that manipulating your
penis produces orgasm.


Thinking of buying an electric scooter,
Don't bother, just nick one, you can
activate it with a
defibrillator.


My new campaign aims to
persuade blokes in drag
that manual cars aren't. safe
to drive in heels.
I'm on an automatic trans
mission.


I'm watching Back To The
Future.
I first saw it in 2034


Im travelling to a Pacific
Island where I'm guaranteed
to have some kinky fun with
a native girl.
Are you going to tonga?
Too fucking right and
I'm going to finger her
bumhole.


A woman came up to me
in the gym and asked if
I knew which exercises
would help her lose
weight.
I said, "Try shaking your
head from side to side."
She replied, "How often
should I do that?"
I remarked, "Every time
someone offers you food."


I used to date a girl who
had a twin.
People asked me how I
could tell them apart.
Well Susie used to paint
her nails blue.
And Steve had a cock.


Twitter has provided a
new feature - an edit
button.
But I feel like many of its
users are already used to
rubbing one out.


Tik Tok is a place where
underage girls dance
provocatively for free
Apparently.


'.... What do you call a
Magician who lost his
Magic?
Ian.


My wife is a Judge.
Well not professionally...


You never see a poor
gardener do you?
It's safe to say they rake
it in.


I really need to watch the
rest of sky fall. I walked
out of the cinema after
the fat lady had sung
because I thought it was
over!


My wife met me at the
front door the other day
wearing a see through
crotchless negligee
twirling her knickers round
her finger, licking her lips.
I said, "where the fuck
have you been?"

[Piper]

DIsney
Scottish for doesn't.


19 Oct 2034
The Wokeingham Times.

A 28 year old white
hetrosexual male was
today sentenced to seven
years hard labour in a
Gulogcamp for having
illegal pornography on his
communications device.
The image showed a
white man having sex with
a woman who was not a
Feminist, obese disabled,
a lesbian or black. In
sentencing the judge said,

"This kind of perversion
won't be tolerated and
offenders will be dealt
with as harshly as the
power of the law will allow
Me."

[Bikkie]

If a women sleeps with 10 men, she's a slut, but if a man does it, he's ??

Gay, he's gay!




I?ve started to identify as a Camptown Lady.

My pronouns are doo/dah.




Tui flight skids off runway landing at Bradford airport.

Inside the plane, skids were everywhere.



It's always hard talking to an attractive woman.
But then it goes soft again when she tells me to fuck off and threatens to call the police.





Scientists have announced the results of a study that found that people who skip breakfast are inclined to crave fatty, high-calorie foods later in the day.

So basically what they've discovered is, if you don't eat for a while you'll start to feel hungry.





I saw two homeless people kissing passionately in the street earlier.

Eventually I shouted, "Get a box!"




If my sex life was a business, it's slogan would be "We're not happy until you're not happy."




Why did pac-man stop eating ghosts?

Because they taste like sheet.




I'm not saying I'm old.

But these days, when she leans over and whispers "your pad or mine?" she's asking which of us has pissed ourself.





I think it's bullshit that people believe Chuck Berry's ?My ding-a-ling? is some sort of ode to masturbation.

I once penned a song called - Rubbing my tiny flaccid penis as I watch the neighbour?s daughter getting ready for school through the gap in the curtains- and no twat came up to me afterwards & said I'd written anything about a fucking bell.





One ocean is the largest and deepest of Earth's five oceanic divisions. It extends from the Arctic Ocean in the north to the Southern Ocean (or, depending on definition, to Antarctica) in the south and is bounded by the continents of Asia and Oceania in the west and the Americas in the east.

At 63,800,000 square miles in area (as defined with a southern Antarctic border), this hydrosphere covers about 46% of Earth's water surface and approximately 32% of the planet's total surface area - larger than its entire land area of 57,000,000 square miles.

To be Pacific.





I think I saw Prince Andrew chatting up a schoolgirl near a major London train station earlier


King's Cross?


He fucking will be when he gets the bill





How do Pokemon take industrial action?

They picket you.



It'll soon be Halloween, when ghoulish children run with excitement around the town knocking on doors for treats.

Enjoy this magical time kids.

Before Uncle Jimmy dresses up as Father Christmas and fingers your arse while you sit on his lap.




TOP TIP: Circumcised pacifist Jewish men. Why not show solidarity with the Palestinian people by wearing a specially fitted miniature tea-towel at the end of your cock?




next pride i will invest in some rainbow colored toilet roll so i can show my support





What was Arnold Swarzneggers reply to Netflix when they requested he appear in a remake of Predator?

"I'll be black"



Not trying to brag, but I've been the same gender since birth.




So reading the news this morning and I see Megan Markle is preparing her comeback, I'm pretty sure Harry's been coming on her back for years.



A guy is walking past a driveway and sees a Jamaican putting up a sign that reads "Boat for sale." The man looks but all he can see is a caravan and a jeep. Confused he says to the Jamaican, "Where's the boat, all I see is a caravan and a jeep?" "Yes, mon," replies the Jamaican, "and they're boat for sale!"





Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce now a couple .

Who's the tightend now?




I often stare at a big sign on the wall at my gym that states, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE.

I think, 'Whoever wrote that never tried to cancel their membership.'





I'd imagine the phrase "getting sacked" takes on new meanings if you work at a nudist resort.





Things you'll never hear after thirty seconds,,,

"Oh my God - OH MY God - OHMIGOOOODd"...




I was going into the local chemist today when a young lad stopped me and said " Hey mate get me a packet of condoms I'm to embarrassed to go in myself." I said "No worries mate, been there myself years ago ." I went up to the counter and said to the woman "Give me a packet of condoms." She replies "What size..3...6...or 12." I said "I've only just met the lad I don't know what size his cock is."




Skoda charges buyers extra to use features built into the car.

For an extra couple of hundred quid, they throw in a gearbox.

[Bikkie]

Ikeido - the Swedish martial art of furniture building




I couldn't do today's Wordle.

Retry needed.




After seeing a rock tribute band made up of people with cerebral palsy, I can't honestly say I would recommend going to see Mong Jovi




My wife quickly became angry and soured on it like I thought she would after her plan to make things exciting in the bedroom by using "Pet Names" didn't go as planned.

"Easy Fido," I said.




Rebecca Adlington

Was once likened to the reflection on the back of a spoon?

Nowadays, she's more like the hook on a coathanger.




Just seen a Chinese man pissing into the front pocket of an Australian marsupial

Mind you, it did follow him saying "I'm just going to the roo"





Modern music is a 'one-way toilet', says Keith Richards.

He would know, it's something he visits a lot these days.




A Chinese brewery is investigating after a video showed an employee peeing into the ingredients container.

In his defence though, his colleagues had just told him they'd won the contract to produce Fosters




I once nicked some raisins off a famous Latin American rock star


Santana's


No just raisins




I have found the solution for gender confusion:

Kick it in the balls.




There's a big drug problem where I live.

I can't fucking get any.






'm suprised Harry & Meghan haven't trademarked 'By Royal Disappointment'




What do British people love most?
I'll walk you through it step by step:
First and first, the weather must be ideal - Sunday afternoon, completely pouring outside, and cold enough to require a jumper within.
Step 1: Brew yourself a cup of tea.
Step 2: Walk to the kitchen window, back door, or living room bay window and gaze out the window at the rain.
Step 3: Place one hand on one's hip.
Step 4: Whether the room is occupied or not: "It's really starting to rain now."
Step 5: Take a long, slow drink of tea.

[Bikkie]

New research shows that pigeons have problem-solving skills comparable to that of AI systems.

Fair enough.

I suppose if an AI computer was standing in the middle of the road, it wouldn't know to get the fuck out of the way when I beeped my horn three times then drove over it either.




I've got one of those electric cars made by Genesis. Couldn't get it going this morning so phoned the helpdesk. they told me "Turin it on, Turn it on again"




If someone offered me the job of installing pacemakers, I'd do that job in a heartbeat



Weekend Travel Updates.
Friday 27 Oct: Alexandra Palace will be hosting McFly in concert from 18:30 until 22:30.
Increased traffic and large crowds are expected

......... to be fleeing the area.



Italian Newcastle player, Sandro Tonali, has been banned for 10 months from football for his gambling addition.

I bet he's livid.




Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day.

That black guy busking just looked furious though when I dropped a large trout in his guitar case.


What do you call a Scot with diarrhoea?

BRAVEFART





According to a recent analysis(!) of the 2021 census data, 9.4% of bar staff identify as LGB+.

Feel free to push up a stool at the bar.


Prince Andrew goes to his local Pizza Express.

"Lovely to see you again sir. What do you fancy?"

"Underage girls. Now get me a fucking menu"





I don't much for all these people changing their gender to whatever whenever they like but atleast women's sports is finally getting interesting to watch.





"Catholic priest in Sosnowiec diocese under criminal investigation after throwing a party attended by a male sex worker. A guest at the party collapsed after overdosing on erectile dysfunction pills."

That's someone who won't be rising again or having a second coming.



Don't know why weather presenters say sharp showers.

Not once has rain ever cut me.

[Bikkie]

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I remind myself that you can't always trust Google maps.





Bernie Ecclestone's daughter visited a doctor as she's unable to orgasm during sex.

The doctor suggested playing Ronan Keating songs in the background.

It was going well until 'If Tamara Never Comes' came on




The inventor of Morse Code has sadly passed away. Dashes to dashes, dots to dots.





I have piles and piles of ironing to do.

I don't know which is worse.




Lisa: Speak soon darling xxx
Tom: OK won't be long
Lisa: I'll miss you xxx
Tom: I'll miss you too
Lisa: I love you xxx
Tom: I love you too

Darling, could you put x's after your texts? Xxx

OK I love you, Fiona, Laura, Carol, Paula, Gillian, Jane.

Lisa: Fuck you!





To neigh or not to neigh.

That is equestrian.




Do witches get thrown out of school for bad spelling?

[Piper]

Last night my wife infuriated
me after I found out she ate
all the fucking candy I meant to
give out this halloween.
I beat the fat blimp so completely
Blue she actually did look like she
had eaten the everlasting blueberry
at the Wonka factory.


Life is unfair
364 days of the year I run the risk
of prison for offering kids sweets.
Yet Halloween the fuckers can't
stop knocking on my door for
some.


This Halloween i've decided to dress
up as the most scariest thing you could
ever imagine.
High Court Enforcement Officers.


Ironically, Halloween would be the
least scary social event this year...


Halloween.
That time of year when mom's on
benefits complain that you haven't
given kids enough sweets.


Just bought myself an extremely scary
costume for a Halloween party I've been
invited to.
I'm going as a Liz Truss.


Went to the shop to get myself a Ninja costume
for this year's Halloween fancy dress party, but
couldn't see any.


The wife said, "We should do something really
scary for the kids this Halloween."
I dropped them at the Mother - in-laws
earlier.


Halloween.
The one day of the year the wife can go
out and blend in.


I went to a vegan Halloween party once,
everyone was dressed as skeletons. Come
to think of it, it wasn't even Halloween!




I'm a skeleton facilitating a Halloween
support group.

The mummy needs to learn to unwind,
The witch flies off the handle constantly ,
The vampire drives everyone batty,
And I've got fucking nobody.


These trick or treaters seem to get older
every year, just had two at the door now
asking for money.
Costumes were good though, they were
dressed as bailiffs.
I gave them a Mars bar each and told them
to fuck off.


Last Halloween, I found a job lot of ghost
outfits at the boot sale. Me and my mates
all went out trick or treating in them by
torchlight.
Funny thing, they only seemed to scare
Black people.
Perhaps they didn't like the pointy hats.


The only women out there
who can drive stick are
Witches.

[Piper]

Questions I would have
asked in Meghan Markles
interview would have been
about how high did she
want to climb the royals
family tree and if Meghan
prounounced Meagain?


Meghan Markle's entire
Personally can be summed
up in the first two letters of
her first name.


When I was in Afghanistan I
once made a split-second decision
that put me out of my misery and also
perhaps get me a VC, so I made the
decision to hurl myself on a live grenade
and save the lives of my platoon.
The Major just laughed and said, "Well
done, Davies... you jut killed that
turtle."


I said to my mate, "It's tragic when the
good guys lose the war"
"Yes" he replied, "The Afghan War was
heartbreaking
" Afghan War? " I said" I was talking about
the American Civil war. "

[Piper]

A kid knocked on my door,
he was dressed in all red
with a string between his
legs.

Kid : Trick or treat!

Me: Halloween's over
Fuck off.

Kid: I'm dressed as a
period. I was late.

Now that was scary.


The relationship between
diesel and petrol vehicles
is quite controversial.
Personally I dont like diesels
there's just no spark.


Once upon a time you
could take your dog for a
peaceful walk in the park
without fear of it being
ravished and impregnated
by a Randy mutt.
K-Tel hopes to bring back
that freedom with their
new canine contraceptive
device.
"The easily fitted device
guarantees" said a
spokesman "that your
bitch will not fail pregnant,
no matter how many
attempts are made to
shag it witless."
The device comes with a
remote control to activate
the inbuilt micro taser.
It really is the dogs ball
locks.
K-Tel are looking into
scaling up the device
to curb the increase in
dogging since the easing
of lockdown.


In bed with my girlfriend,
she whispered that she'd
like my ring on her finger.
Well, that was embarrassing.

[Bikkie]

Seeing Loose Women discussing The Beatles

Is like seeing Gemma Collins talking about Shakespeare



I was surprised by The Beatles new song.

I thought they were just drum & bass these days.




On this day in 1605 Guy Fawkes began his journey to London. It would take him several days because his legs were made of old tights stuffed with newspapers.





My Mrs said I need to get things off my chest, mainly her bra!

[Piper]

It's the 4th of November
and lots of people are
excitedly stashing
explosives in their house
Muslim cunts mostly.

[Piper]

The wife gave me the hint
she wanted something
sparkly for our anniversary
this weekend.
Luckily there were 10
of them in the box of
Fireworks I bought for
tonight.


Note to self : If someone
invites you to a fireworks
party and asks you to
bring bangers and a
rocket, don't turn up with
sausages and peppery
lettuce.


I wish everyone would shut
their fucking dogs up.
So I can hear the fireworks!


The kids wanted a
Fireworks display at the
weekend, so I called
the wife a fat cow.


My neighbour said she dreads
this time of year because her
dogs are scared of fireworks.
"Simple," I told her, "Don't let
them play with any then."


GET that Surlla Braverman
was speaking about
chants of "from the river
to the sea," saying we
should not glorify acts of
terrorism.
And on the same day
that Britain glorifies the
biggest act of terrorism in
It's history.
The Gunpowder plot.


I love paying £60 so my
wife and 2 daughters can
make 3 identical videos
of fireworks on their
phones instead of actually
watching the fucking
things like a normal
person.

[Piper]

The UN has asked Israel
to use electric tanks and
fighter jets so that it's
safer for the environment.


Statement of the week :-
In these times of media-contrived
racial tensions worldwide
don't be a bigot-be like
MARIO!

An Italian plumber
Created by Japs
Speaks basic English
Looks like a Mexican
Jumps like a black guy
Grabs coins like a Jew
And explodes like a
Muslim

The little woke fucker!

[Bikkie]

I joined a carpenter's class last week. Haven't made anything yet - we've only just begun.




A common saying in Cork is, "On the ball boy."

I bet Graham Norton's muttered this in Wimbledon.



When someone says, "I hear voices." I say, "That'll be your ears."



Drones.

Because you can't find a girlfriend.





Just had a job advert come through on my inbox for an Enterprise Engineer....

I had no idea Star Fleet was hiring!




I once knew a lady that knew how to fight, she was born in the UK, then she moved to Israel, after a while she converted to Islam, her name was Jew-Jit-Sue.



Why do women go through the menopause?

So they've still got something to fucking whinge about after they run out of periods.




The Whitehouse have announce that Joe Biden will be in the 3 states today...

Unconcious, Semi-Concious, and Confused.




You'll never forget your wedding day.

The photographs may fade but the negatives last a lifetime.




My black friend is unfortunately unable to access his Facebook account

He's forgotten his wogin details





The lady in my local furniture store is having me done for sexual harassment.

All I did was ask about one nightstand.





Seeing Loose Women discussing the Beatles......... is like seeing Susan Boyle discussing what it's like to have a shag.





Model aircraft and railways.

Because you hate your wife.





An old lady approached me in the street and asked for sex. She said 'Pop it in'.
So I did. I'm in court next week charged with rape. What she actually said was 'Poppy Tin'




Seeing Loose Women discussing The Beatles

Is like seeing Prince Andrew work for Barnados




The first time I heard an Asian man say Mahjong, I thought he was talking about his todger.




What do you call a necrophilia gangbang?


Cracking open a cold one with the boys!

[Bikkie]

Grocery Stores Installing Defibrillators For When You See Your Total





New Game 'Call Of Duty: Rittenhouse' Lets You Defend Your Home From A Horde Of Bloodthirsty Communists




My old Chemistry teacher was adamant that an acid plus a base always gives a salt plus water.

So when I played Call of Duty and I took a base, I took some acid and then all of my household appliances started growing spider legs.

Your move, Mr. Worley.




My wife suddenly said she was leaving me because of my obsession with the band UB40.
I was so shocked, I almost dropped my glass of red wine!





Earlier, I dressed in a shiny tracksuit, a grey wig, smoked a Cuban cigar & stuck my hand up the mother-in-law's skirt whilst making grunting noises.

I misheard what the wife actually said....

"Please be CIVIL to my mum."




I identify as a ninja and my pronouns are ha/hi.





Was taking the wife on holiday and as usual late for our flight.

She was moaning dragging her heavy case through the airport, I said should have packed the fridge, she goes how can you think about food when we're going to missed our flight!?

I said I wasn't thinking about food, our tickets are on it!





The Guardian today tells us 'that the new Dr. Who episodes will be violent and scary'.

Nothing to do with the script.

The new nigger doctor just started stabbing everyone.



Eurosport presenter Orla Chennaoui cycles without a helmet, but she claims it's SAFER not to wear one because it makes drivers more careful.

That is precisely why I refuse to wear a condom.



So the Daily Mail bugs Prince Harry.

Who cares?

Prince Harry bugs everyone.




What's the best bit about being served by a German barmaid?


Erdinger?


Nah that's in Thailand




When night approaches with the Universe shining bright, and a child looks upwards and asks, "How do stars die?" Be honest with them and gently say, "Typically it's drugs, drugs are why many stars die."




If you forget the rules of chess, don't worry.

Your allowed to check.




Do compostable condoms make good or bad fertilisers?




You realise when you've started serving your life sentence of a marriage, when you discover there is a wrong place to return the remotes back to the coffee table.



Repair Shop: "What have you brought for us today?"

Me: "Well, it's an item I've had in my house for many years. It's looking rather worn and falling to bits now, and I'm hoping that you can use your renowned skills to return it to its former glory"

Repair Shop: "Excellent. Let's see the item then"

Me: "No problem. May I introduce, the wife"





I don't know why I bought some chicken drumsticks today.

I bet it can't even fucking play the drums.




I have 'Wendy' tattooed on my penis.

When I'm happy, it says, 'Welcome to California and have a very nice day'.

The wife's name's Jenny.

Good job she never reads the small print.




Barbra Streisand's husband James Brolin went without sex for THREE YEARS before they tied the knot.

Tend to agree. I would've only been able to face her doing anal.



Researchers have found a miracle cure for gender dysphoria: It's called deleting TikTok

[Piper]

Just can’t please some
people.......
I sincerely complimented
someone on their
excellent Movember, and
suddenly she's not your
friend anymore.....


Most people are saying if
you give the unemployed
a 300 quid cost of living
payment they'll just spend
it on drinks and drugs.
Too fucking right.


When Meghan Markle saw
an advert for washing up
liquid saying, "women all
over America are fighting
greasy pots and pans,"
She was so outraged by
the sexist, demoralising
content it prompted her
to write to the advertising
company, complaining
that it's not just a
women's job and that all
her servants had equal
opportunities.


... Harry went into his
relationship with Meghan
with his flies wide open.


Had a preview come up
on one of the streaming
services to watch a film
called Hell House.
It didn't seem that
frightening to me,
probably because I've
already been living in Hell
House with my wife since
1986.


Now that the travel
restrictions are not as
severe, my neighbour
Mohammed's travel
agency is doing really well.
He specialises in pilgrimage
tours to the Muslim holy places.
Apparently he's making
mecca bucks.


"There you are, where the
hell have you been?! Let
me see your back." They're
were scratches all over, I
began to teas up, "are you
serious? What have you
been doing?!" To no avail
there was no reply.
I put it into the DVD player
and it just crashed. I cried
my eyes out, that was my
favourite porn.


There's a lot in the media
about general online
racism and how to stamp
out abuse, especially in
sport.
The only way this will ever
work is blacks, Muslims,
Pakistanis, Indians, Jews,
Wops, Aborigines, Maori's,
Chinese Japanese, Irish
and scourers stop having
sex.

[Bikkie]

.



Bought my wife an archeology kit for her birthday but she didn't like it.

Strange as she always likes to dig up things from the past!




Suella Braverman replaced by David Cameron.

To be fair, he only screwed one pig.





The rooster teaches us it's perfectly acceptable to start the day with a few screams.




Your mother has been with us for 20 years, I said to my husband.
Isn't it time she got a place of her own?

My mother? He replied . I thought she was your mother.





In other news ... today the UK government discovered that, if you want a job done right... hire a man.




I identify as non-binary; my pronouns are off / on.




Manchester band "The Smiths" reportedly took their name from a W. H. Smiths in the town. Their musical style however, was taken from the shop next door. Although that branch of "Wimpy" has now closed.



I Don't Know What The Big Deal Is About Black Friday ?

All Fridays Matter !





I just read that breast implants in the UK are around 3000 pounds.

Holy hell. How do they walk with tits that heavy?



What's better than eating a mandarin?

Eating Amanda out




If you know of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone this year because they have no family or close friends, can you please let me know so I can contact them.
I need to borrow some chairs

[Bikkie]

I'm half Irish and half Jewish.

I'm drinking if you're buying.





Apparently, Guy Fawkes is Albanian



As we approach the holidays I prepare myself for those that will be jumping on the Bi-Polar Express.



Adele finally confirms she's married to Rich Paul as she makes the announcement at Alan Carr's show.

Adding, she'll most likely be alone for Christmas.




Dyslexia is hereditary, it's in your NDA




If cumming inside someone is called a Cream Pie

Does that mean when gays do it it's a Mince Pie?




I tired to buy a bagel with cream cheese. The woman in the sandwich shop said it was cash or card only.






My mate told me our local Sainsbury's has a special Polish section.
When I got there the shelves were full of jars of pickles and packets of dried meat and shit, all covered with foreign writing.

All I wanted was a fucking can of Mr Sheen.




Thousands Lined Up For Black Friday As Grocery Stores Offered Prices From When Trump Was President



Folks are saying Bros flopped because it was a gay movie but Dahmer was also a gay movie & it's a hit!




Extermination camp....Elon Musk could have changed Twitter to "X"..."Termination" or "camp"..
He chose "X".... might as well have gone with " termination"....




My Dad always said it was rude to point.

Great man,
rubbish bricklayer.




I'll never forget many years ago selling Noel Gallacher a guitar. He said to me "Whats the knob at the front for ?". I said"Thats Liam he's the lead singer"




FROG CONDOM MARKETING MEETING

FROG 1 - Sales are down, how can we make the condoms more enjoyable for our customers?
FROG 2 - Rib it
FROG 1 - Andrew, you're a Goddamn genius




Admitting you're wrong and apologising takes strength and character

Which is why women never fucking do it





Never underestimate the ability of a woman's sixth sense?

they can actually hear your semi when watching babestation on the sly.






ATMs have messages telling you to 'cover your pin' while charging $4 withdrawal fees.

Fuck off. You're the thieving cunts.




Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. " What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking
love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly,
Peter, Peter, something or other..."




Jane met Tarzan n the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged in sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex ! was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."

Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan




Me and the wife have sex almost every day of the week.



Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
...



Black Friday's coming up

The BBC have just done a remake of Robinson Crusoe





What's another way to say you came inside a woman...

Loading the washing machine





We got our dogs some glow in the dark dog treats.

You should see their little faeces light up.



I'm always winning on the lottery.

Winning fuck all.




Due to freezing conditions in the UK the British Naturist Society has seen the size of its male
members shrink dramatically.


I identify as a male dyslexic and my pronouns are hee/himm.

[Bikkie]

Just been informed that a distant relative has left me a priceless watch in her will.
I hope it's not a wind up .




Get into the mood for your next Ryan Air flight by sitting in a tumble dryer wearing a straight jacket with both feet tied behind your back while eating a rustler burger




We don't need no decorations
We don't need no Christmas trees
No holly wreaths along the fireplace
People leave those trees alone

Hey people leave those trees alone!
All in all you need no tree in the hall
All in all you need no tree in the hall.

We don't need no Christmas pudding
We don't need mince pies and cream
No Wham or Slade when you're out shopping.
People, leave those trees alone.

Hey people, leave those trees alone!
All in all you need no tree in the hall.
All in all you need no tree in the hall.

Guitar solo.

Random stuff about eating your meat or you can't have any Christmas pudding.





My wife is fed up of my wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "What can I do to stop?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.

"No it doesn't," I said.




Heidi Range.

Her pop music may be shit but her yodelling repertoire is quite astonishing.


A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich. He orders two pints and trows ten thousand Franks on the bar and says ?Keep the rest!? The owner is a bit suspicious but concludes the bill is the real deal. fife minutes later, the same deal, again ordering two pints for ten thousand Franks, keep the rest!.

This continues for a while, the barkeeper can't help but question how the man can always pay with a 10k bill and ?why the ostrich?? he asks, ?Well? the man says ?I was riding through the forest and in the middle of the road there was a massive mushroom, so I stopped to look, apparently three gnomes were moving, they were so thankful that I stopped I got three wishes?. The barkeeper asks ,What did you ask?. The men replies Firstly every night an other woman in my bed,Secondly a 10k bill in my pocket every time I reach inside.

Impatiently the ward asks ,And the third one?? ?Yeah.... they got that one a bit wrong......I asked for an ostrich.






Fans of Daniel Defoe's classic Robinson Crusoe are reported to be ecstatic, now that Black Friday is nearly upon us.

[Bikkie]

What's a Black Friday Sale?

It's when you get to buy everything at the price it was before a jacinda was in power!!
CAPITLISM Gods way of determining who is smart and who is poor.





As it's Black Friday,I'm away out shoplifting.





Which are the best-selling items on Black Friday?
White goods





"As I woke up today my wallet was missing and I knew immediately it was Black Friday"
-from the diary of Robinson Crusoe.





Sorry I haven't been around for a while.
I've just spent the last four days looking on the internet to find the date for White Friday

[Bikkie]

Dublin tonight. It's always a fine line between burning the place down, or singing "Don't look back in anger", isn't it.



Russell Brand to host a new reality show on ITV:

I'm a Celebrity, get me in to her.




I had to quit my job at the watch factory.


The guy sitting opposite me kept making faces.



Guys.

If you see a black girl looking hot on the club dance floor, stay away.

The drink and drugs will wear off in the morning but she'll still be black.



While a cooking show was on TV, I happened to tell the wife I hadn't had a decent lardon for ages.

She rustled me up a surprise bacon dish the next day.

Fucking dyslexia.



Diane Abbott was due to be on I'm A Celebrity but she decided not to sign up.

She felt doing trials to win 10,000 stars for camp meals every day wasn't fair.




Sharks only attack people when they're wet.

There's no fucking chance of them going for my wife then.



What do gays do on Thanksgiving?

Pokeahotass.



Machine Gun Kelly says he is going to change his name.

Presumably to something more appropriate, like Vagina!



Meghan Markle pays a visit to a feminist climate change group in Vancouver to have a heartfelt conversation.

While her private jet re-fuels.





Spurs are facing serious allegations of breaching transfer rules during Jermain Defoe's move to Portsmouth in 2008.

Ita shame to see The Times newspaper employing Facebook fact checkers.

[Bikkie]

To me, the art of acting is portraying something that you are not. I've just tried watching the latest Dr Who episode, where a bloke 'of colour' thinking he is a bird (trans) is cast as a bloke 'of colour' portraying a bird, and they(!) were concerned that an alien was being misgendered.

It says something when the alien on Doctor Who is more normal that the inhabitants of the Earth.




If Pistorious fucks his bale condition up he won't have a fucking leg to stand on




Back in the 90s, I used to go to gigs by tribute band The Australian Pink Floyd. Tickets were a tenner a piece back then, and they were quite an authentic act.

They must have got even more authentic over the years, judging by their ticket prices now you'd think they were the real thing.



I just saw the Disney remake of Snow White, where the Seven Dwarves are black pimps.

'High ho, high ho, it's off to work you go...'




I just sent Oscar Pistorius an Advent calendar, with a note saying "Don't shoot the doors open."





Did you know that The Muppet Shows Miss Piggy is good at counting but has never ever managed to count to 70 as every time she gets to 69 she gets a Frog in her throat .




They say having sex is like riding a bike.

Well, I always keep my bike pump and puncture repair kit handy.

[Bikkie]

Met a chick who said she liked bad boys so I stole her purse and fucked her sister.





Names ending in son and their origins:

Grayson - the son of the bailiff
Carson - son of the marsh dwellers
Tyson- firebrand
Branson - son of the raven
Jason - to heal
Ericson - son of the eternal ruler
Garson - to protect
Smithson - son of a smith

Thank fuck I'm not a Dickinson.




Why are blacks run over more in the winter than the summer?

They're easier to spot.



Why are blondes buried in triangular coffins?

Because when the head hits the pillow, the legs know what to do.




If you cross a Penis with a Potato you get a 'Dictator'

[Bikkie]

According to the WHO, Climate Change has an effect on Gender Change

I think this is actually legit, based on what being up on that frigid Brokeback Mountain for so long did to those two cowpokes.


I asked my wife if I could fuck her up the arse.

She said, "Why on earth would you think I'd let you do that?"

I said, "Well, you take everything else the wrong way."




What's the largest ant in the world?

An elephant.




When people say "she's alright once you get to know her"
It actually means
"She's a c*nt, but you'll get used to it"




Why was there such a high casualty rate of blacks in Vietnam?
Because everytime anyone yelled, 'Get down!' they all stood up and started dancing.



When people say "he's alright once you get to know him"
It actually means
"he's a cunt, but you'll get used to it"

[Piper]

I can't stand that James
Dyson.
His products suck.


My girlfriend's a midget
and she was going to
one of her little people's
Support groups the other
night.
I asked her if I could
come along and she said
It's fine as long as I don't
embarrass her like last
time
I don't know what she's
complaining about, they
all loved it when I turned
up dressed as Gulliver.


A little boy asks his dad,.
"Dad is it true you suck
cock and take it up the
arse?"
"Good grief, who on Earth
has said that to you son?"
"My other dad, Elton."


My wife was watching
some Youtube videos of
the movie "Yesterday"
and one of them was a
songwriting competition
-"Ed Sheeran defeated by
The Beatles"
"Not that impressive!" I
scoffed... there was this
Ed Sheeran song on in the
car the other day at the
same time my daughter
was singing out some
incoherent lyrics about
unicorns, and I turned
down "Sing in favour of
what she was babbling
with.



It's Hot Hot Hot!!
I must remember to use
oven-gloves in the future!


What's the difference
between a garden pea and
Chickpea?
I would've pay for a garden
pea on me.


If it looks like piss, tastes
like piss, smells like piss.
It's probably Fosters.


Ice hockey is basically
just guys fighting each
other with long sticks for
the last Oreo.


Studies suggest that
9 out of 10 men prefer
a women with curves.
The 10th man drives
a Tesla and prefers
the other 9 men.

[Piper]

Well, it's that time of
the year again when
the shops start selling
Easter eggs.


News: Elon Musk tells X
advertisers to "Go fuck
yourself."
Translation : I just lost $44
billion.

[Bikkie]

What do you call a woman who likes to go down on her husband?

Heterosexual.



The only thing being revealed at a gender reveal party is,

The poor unborn child has 2 fucking idiots for parents.






Weightlifting bar and weights for sale.

Must be able to pick up.




There's a great documentary on telly tonight about perfume.

Its on Chanel No 5




They say size doesn?t matter,

But for the life of me i cant get this fucking shoe on.





Definition of Irony:

Marcus Rashford's book title.
'You Are A Champion - How To Be The Best You Can Be'



With Gemma Collins among the cast set to strip off for the ITV festive extravaganza, titled The Real Full Monty Jingle Balls, it won't be a white Christmas from me.




Doctor Who is getting criticism for being historically inaccurate, because the latest episode features a Black Isaac Newton.

Yet, it's still an apple, not a banana.





Going away over Christmas?
Drape a white sheet over your Christmas tree and cut two "eye holes" near the top.

Hey Presto!! The perfect burglary deterrent.




My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.

I had to get a running start but I made it.




I've got a Tory Party advent calendar.

It's like a normal advent calendar except there is a dick in number 10.


I was struggling trying to teach a black to pick a lock.

Until I told him to cotton on.



A man in the UK wants marijuana to be classified as a vegetable.

I just have to say... that is an ingenious way to get Americans to stop smoking pot...




If Megan Markle is "mixed-race" then judging from the tan on my bollocks I'm a bigger coon than Lenny Henry.




Why dont you ever get a sarcastic Jew?

They would never want to gaslight the situation





The UK Health Security Agency and the Met Office have issued amber cold health alerts in five regions ..., meaning that cold weather impacts are likely to be felt across the whole health service for an extended period of time?.

I think it's called winter?



I was watching the Walt Disney film The Aristocats with my young daughter and I was wondering if Duchess, having three children of different colours and a poncy name, was named after a black woman.



Some people are fucking idiots, you could put their brain in a kinder egg and still hear it rattle.



Apparently, the Princess of Wales lovely Kate Middleton doesn't like black.

She prefers natural/tan stockings.

[Piper]

The snowman I wish I
Didn't make
What a morning.... 8.00
I made a snowman.
8.10 A Feminist passed
by and asked me
why I didn't make a
Snow woman. 8.15 I
made a snow woman.
8.17
The nanny of the
neighbours
complained about the
voluptuous chest on the
snow woman.
8.20 The gay couple living
across the street
complained
that it could have been
two
snowmen instead.
8.25 The neighbours on
the
left, who are vegans,
compjained
that the orange nose, a
carrot, this
needs to be something
else
because food is for eating
and not to decorate a
snowman
and women with.
8.28 I am being called a
racist
because the snow couple
is white.
8.31 The husband of
Fatima wants
the snow woman to wear
a headscarf.
840 The police arrives to
see
what's going on. 8.42 I am
told that the broomstick
of
the snowman needs to be
removed because this
could be
being used as a striking
weapon.
8.50 The Salafi jihadist
militant
group Islamic state made
itself
know as the snowman.
8.52 My phone is being
seized
and thoroughly checked
while
I'm being blindfolded and
flown
to the police station in a
helicopter.
9. 00 I am asked if I have
any accomplices.
Done with this!!
I will never make a
snowman, snow woman
or snow whatever again.
It's too dangerous!!
I wish everybody a
Merry Christmas and a
Happy New Year.


Life would be much easier
if Christmas decorations
grew on trees.


Just a quick reminder to
all cat owners.
Now is the time to start
feeding gold and silver
Glitter to your cats if you
want to add that festive
touch to your neighbour's
flower beds.


This year I've been told
the kids would love new
tablets for Christmas.
I can't wait to see their
little faces when they
open their Tramadol and
Codeine.


On Christmas morning, my
girlfriend always reminds
me that the joy is in the
giving.
But, if that is true, why
is a blow job out of the
question.


I've been calling this
Polish guy with white hair
at work Santa Claus, and
yesterday he wanted to
fight me.
I was honestly surprised
Until he said more clearly,
"For the last fucking time,
my name is Stanislaus."


I once had one of those
'May to December'
romances.
Ditched her when she
asked for an expensive
Christmas present.


Just read on the BBC
News website that smaller
turkeys are on the menu
for Christmas.
Nothing wrong with a little
gobbler.
Oooooooooh.


A survey has revealed
41% of Americans believe
human beings and dinosaurs
lived at the same time.
True that I've seen The
Flintstones.
And clearly dinosaurs
were still around less than
2,000 years ago, cos there
was a Christmas special
Checkmate atheists!


The wife told me she
wants 12 inches for
Christmas.
Hope she likes the
instalment plan I have
scheduled for 2024!


Went out for a Christmas
meal last night and the
serviettes started singing,
"Chestnut roasting on an
open fire..."
Turns out it was "Napkin
Cole."


I've just seen that
Donner and Blitzen are
now on eBay.
Nobody has put a bid in
for them yet though ;
I think it's cos they're two
deer...


Last Christmas, I gave her
my heart, but the very next
day, she gave it away. This
year, which saved me from
tears.
I gave it to her sister.


I grew up listening to soft
Rock Band Journey who
said, "Don't Stop Believing".
That's why every cunt
make fun of me at
Christmas.


Nothing like falling out
with your whole family on
Christmas day... All I said
was, "let's watch the Kings
speech."


I overheard the missus
on the phone yesterday
tell my best mate she'd
love something long, thick
and hard. I'm watching
her right now unwrap the
Xmas present I bought
her... A 5 foot concrete
Fence post.


They say, "A dog's not just
for Christmas."
I say it depends on its size
and how many are at the
table.


The wife has just been
diagnosed with an iron
deficiency.
So I bought her a new
one for Christmas.


December is the only
month of the year I get
much screwing done.
I have a lot of sex
with Carol singers.
Because her husband
Jim Singers is working
overtime at the toy shop.


I wonder if Elton has
taught his kid to sing, I
saw Daddy kissing Santa
Claus yet?


Why do Men like having
sex doggie style in
December?
That way they can both
watch Sports Personality
of the year...


Untangling Christmas
lights.
Is the closest me and wife
have ever got to S&M.


Everyday is Christmas.
When you stop taking your
antidepressants...


What does Prince Andrew
want for Christmas?...
Santas ability to identify
naughty girls.


I love the build up to
Christmas.
You can shout, "Don't
come in my room..."
The stupid cunts think I'm
wrapping presents.


Don't Germans get
annoyed when all their
market traders fuck off to
England at Christmas?


I love seeing the faces
of children light up at
Christmas.
It's much more fun than
wrapping the wires around
a tree.

[Bikkie]

I just got one of those air fryers everyone's always going on about.

Can't see what all the fuss is about. Fried air still tastes of fuck-all.



Looking forward to the updated no doubt fucking ?woke? Wombles.
Synopsis: Instead of litter picking great uncle Bulgaria is now Non Binary patriarchal male presenting coloniser learning to live with white guilt and joining just stop oil and supergluing themselves, to the M 25 and ending up Wimbledon road kill, delicious.


I was wondering why the Arabs have all the oil and the Irish have all the potatoes.
Then I realised, the Irish had first choice.





During an interview -

David Beckham, Yeah, they're great. Just pop one in your mouth and it tastes minty for ages!

Interviewer, No David, I said tactics, not tictacs.


Whats a roofers favourite tune?

Im high all the time.





Rapper Kodak Black Arrested on Cocaine Possession Charges in Florida. More to come as the story develops.



Lost in the mail - Elvis Presley greatest hits album.

If found, please return to sender.


Manchester United's chance of winning the Premier League is similar to the majority of their fans.

M U slim.



I approached a dwarf prostitute wearing festive reindeer antlers and was told it'd be ten quid.

I said she was a little dear.



What goes, "Sp Sp Sp Sp, L L L L."?

Gareth Gates talking about Tottingham Hotspurs.




I approached a prostitute wearing festive reindeer antlers.

She said, "You can take them off for a start."





I used to have a job in a chemist. A woman came in and bought a cotton wool, tissue paper and some thread . I said "we sell tampons you know" and she said "that's OK, I roll my own"










I asked my wife to get me down a DVD from my Alfred Hitchcock collection on the top shelf.

As she grabbed one on the ladder she swayed back and forth and landed on her arse - I think she's got Vertigo.


The teacher said, "Give me a sentence using the words, 'pack it in'."

Little Johnny replied, "Mohammed at the corner shop keeps his takings in a Paki tin."





Prince William and Kate release traditional black and white Christmas card.
Prince Harry advised not to follow suit.




Prince William has revealed his Christmas Card in black and white. Harry's will be in black and ginger.

[Bikkie]

A kitchen knife and a penis have one thing in common: black men will penetrate you with them without your consent.



Are you interested in Time Travel? Convert to Islam! It will take you back 1400 years!




We'll all miss Grandma this Xmas but I know she'll be looking down on us.

Waiting for the stair lift repair man.



Kid: Santa, what's the story of your reindeer names?

Santa: Why, I name them after memories, like Prancer frolicking in the snow!

Kid: What about Donner?

(A dark countenance settles on Santa's face)

Santa: The year was 1847, snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada...




My wife said she?s leaving me if I don't give up my Linkin Park obsession, but in the end it doesn?t even matter.



Manchester United have finally found consistency this season.

Win one, lose one, win one, lose one...




I'm gonna give that slapheaded singer from Skunk Anansie my cock for Christmas, just for her


For Skin?


No I'm Jewish





I put an ad in the paper that simply said 'Wife wanted'.
I've had over a hundred reply letters with all of them saying 'You can have mine'

[Piper]

Looking forward to 2024.
This year has been the
worst. For me, my family,
friends, work colleagues
and neighbours.
Premier League results
have been unpredictable.


My wife asked me, "What
did you buy me for
Christmas?"
"Well," I chuckled. "You see
that pink Mercedes over
there?"
"Yes?" she asked happily.
"Well I bought you a
toothbrush the same
colour."


Little Johnny was asked
to lead the prayer at
dinner.
"But I'm not sure how to
pray," he said.
"Just pray for your family,
friends, neighbours, the
poor, and so on," his father
advised.
"Alright." Johnny said.
"Dear Lord, thank you
to our visitors and their
children, who finished
all my cookies and ice
cream. Bless them so they
won't come again. Forgive
our neighbours son, who
removed my sisters
clothes and wrestled
with her on the bed. This
coming Christmas, please
send clothes to all those
poor naked ladies on
my Daddy's iPhone. And
provide shelter for the
homeless man who sees
Mom's room when Daddy
is at work... Amen.


Victoria's Secret has
launched a new line
of French lingerie for
Christmas. store staff
will model it for men
looking to buy their wife or
girlfriend a present.
The line is called Le Per
Vért.


Why is Christmas like an
Orgasm?
Because as it approaches, you get
louder and louder about
it's imminent arrival. But
once it's over, you shut up
about it.


Action on climate
change releases
it's charity single.
"There Won't be
Snow In Antartica
This ChristmaS."

[Piper]

Eco-activist King Charles will
use the Christmas Day broadcast
to deliver a powerful message
about the environment.
He'll tell us all to buy an
Electric Range Robert like he did.


As my daughter finished
opening her last present,
I turned to my wife and
asked, "When are you
going to give her the
tickets to the Taylor Swift
concert?"
"YOU GOT ME TICKETS TO
SEE TAYLOR SWIFT?!" she
shrieked.
"Ha ha. Just kidding.
You're adopted."

[Bikkie]

Theres been some horrors on tv this year. very disturbing. Gaza, mass shootings in america, stabbings here, and dr who dancing like a poof

My sister & I have always been incredibly close.

I fucking hate being a Siamese twin.



I was lying in bed this morning just staring into space . My wife said "what are you thinking about?"
I said "I'm thinking about all the things I've done wrong in my life"
She said "you've been awake quite a while then"



Hey kids....
buy a copy of "Dominatrix " or
" S and M Swedish nurse ".
..put it under your pillow.
When your parents find it..... you'll never get spanked again.!




If he hadn't been an actor he could have been a singer.........

......Sly and the family Stallone.




There was one winning ticket for the EuroMillions jackpot, sold in France.

Nice.

If Benny and Bjorn had been called Steve and Dave, the Swedish pop group would have been known as ASDA.






Some people should never be allowed to drive.

Like women.



There was a black woman named Gay
Who plagiarised writings for years,
And when caught out, could only say
These charges confirm my worst fears:
ALL WHTE PEOPLE ARE RACIST!




**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:**

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers.

Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.

To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance and therefore must not occur after 11pm and before 7am.

Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment, including Eye Protection, to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year?s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the ?redness? of any part of Mr. Rudolph Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. Rudolf Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of such an offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered and where necessary, taxes and import duties paid as appropriate. This applies regardless of the individual -even royal personages.

It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services and the Local Authority Safeguarding Board have been advised and will be fully investigating. The RSPCA are also seeking reassurance that no donkeys were harmed during this incident.

Compliance of these guidelines is mandatory in order for you to fully participate with the festive spirit. Wishing you a very Merry Christmas (but bear in mind this must be under 107 milligrams per 100 millilitres of urine or 35 microgrammes per 100 millilitres of breath if driving ? UK, Wales & Northern Ireland).

Regards,
The Christmas Regulatory & Assessment Panel (CRAP)

[Piper]

It's new years eve just
after midnight. A man
says goodnight to his
many friends and walks
unsteadily across the
busy pub car park to
his car. After three
unsuccessful attempts, he
gets his keys in the door
and gets into his car. He
then executes a 15 point
turn and finally exits the
car park.
After travelling for a mile
at precisely 29mph,the
police car who had been
shadowing him, pulls him
over. They take his details,
name address etc hand
him a breathalizer to blow
into. As he hands back
the negative test he is
asked what he does for
a living, the man replies,
"Oh did I not mention, I'm a
professional decoy."

Credit ( F. Wedlock )

[Piper]

Just sat here thinking
back to 2023 like it was
only yesterday.


Please note, todays date
is 01/01/2024 and not
01/01/2024 as the USA
would like us to believe.


As the new years bells rang
out last night, I sat in my
small four in a block flat
and looked towards the
ceiling with a thought...
'I wonder if her upstairs
will ever let me fuck her
and play with her tits?'


I've just received a text
from my new girlfriend
telling me to get my arse
over to her house for a
new years sex fest.
I fucking love wronguns.


"Town's First Openly Gay
Mayor Gets 30 Years In
Federal Prison."
Guess this is one guy who
will enjoy dropping the soap.

[Piper]

Tottenham Hotspur are
making two new signings
from China in 2024
so their fans don't get
confused.
From China - Wee Won
Once and How Long Since...


There's no such thing as
Women’s football.
It's just football.
Played badly by lesbians.


"Babe! Talk dirty to me!"
"I'm gonna make you
wetter than Stevie
Wonder's toilet floor!"


What's the difference between
a priest's cock and Woody from
Toy Story?
Woody goes limp when a child
walks into the room.

Did you know female
midgets can't use tampons
as they trip on the string?


The party invitation read,
'dress to kill.'
Apparently, a turban, backpack
and beard wasn't what they meant.


Jemima Packington, a
fortune teller who tosses
asparagus, predicts...

There will be separations
and divorces among
members of the Royal
Family
The culture of 'celebrity'
will be on the wane, with
people losing interest in
their antics.
The 2024 Olympic Games
will not be a resounding
success for Team GB.
The events in the Middle
East will reach a breaking
point.
Eco-warriors in the
UK will lose support.
No more holding up
traffic or supergluing to
infrastructure.
England FA will appoint
more female referees to
officiate at all-male team
matches.

So spooky, Now my go...
BBC will employ more
Black actors
More boat people will
arrive
David Cameron will still be
a cunt
Cliff Richard is gay


Apparently David Copperfield
was on Epstein's list.
At least now we know
who got in and out of his
fucking cell undetected

[R650R]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYpFOx39etU&pp=ygUQMyBlZ2dzIHdpbGQgYmlsbA%3D%3D

[Piper]

After my latest incident,
my boss said, "You're the
worst train driver ever,
How many have you
derailed to date?"
I replied, "It's hard to keep
track."


"How do you feel?" asked
My therapist today
"Well," I explained, "I have
a vast series of nerve endings
that send electrical impulses to
my brain."


There are a lot more black
actors in latter episodes
of Midsomer Murders, but
in this particular instance,
I don't mind
It actually makes the
ludicrously high crime rate
more plausible


I keep a picture of my wife
in the front of my wallet,
so I can remember why
there's no money in it.


In the pub my mate said,
"I don't think it makes me
racist to say I could never
sleep with a black girl."
"Me neither," I replied.
He said, "You don't find
them attractive either?"
I replied, "It's not that. The
wife would fucking kill me."


I was pulled over by the
police last night
He suspected i was
inebriated.
He said, "Can you walk in a
straight line?"
You should of seen his
face when I pulled the
Coke out.


Jada Pinkett Smith
revealed she had
a relationship with
songwriter August Alsina
during her marriage.
Where there's a Will
there's a way.


You've been on the phone
to customer support for
45 minutes, they have
done fuck-all absolutely
useless they then have the
audacity to say is there
any thing else I can help
you with?
ARE YOU TAKING THE
FUCKING PISS.


The light shone on the
village green, it also shone
on Nell
Waiting for her lover, was
she, fucking hell
Along the road came
Dirty Dick, the stoker on a
lugger
He wasn't fit to shovel
shit, the dirty little bugger
He took her up the highest
loft, he knew it wasn't
lawful
And hen he took her
knickers down, the smell
was fucking awful.


Technology moves too
quickly for me these days.
I only tried to wipe the
dust off the screen on my
new phone, and now I've
got a year's subscription
to Netflix.


How Facebook rows start :

Me: Things not going too
well, feeling a bit low.

Comment : Don't worry my
friend.

Me: I wasn't worrying your
friend! I don't even know
your friend, you wanker!

[Piper]

Sky Sports NFL tonight at
9.30 it's the Packers and
the Cowboys.
Isn't that the plot of
Brokeback Mountain?.


Having now seen the new
Wonka film.
It's clear that the
auditioning and casting
process was certainly a
chocolate factory.


My mate told me that his
dogs bark was worse than
It's bite.
Well after 16 stitches to
the back of my leg I dread
hearing the cunt bark.


"vodka and coke please."
"Is Pepsi OK?."
"Yeah sure"
"Here you go, - one Pepsi
and coke."

[R650R]

Golriz Grab a bargain has announced her resignation. She will take some time to get her life in order and make a fresh start. When she is well again she plans to return to politics and steal an election.

[Bikkie]

"King Charles unlikely to ?support LGBTQ+ community?, activist warns: ?He?s never been our ally?"

Of course he won't. He's a King, not a Queen.



You should never piss off a midget.

They have really short tempers.




Only the BBC could do this......Replace Tommy Walsh,a heterosexual builder and English, with a prick nancy boy called Owain Wyn Evens a Welsh shitshoveler and so called 'weathetperson'....God give us fucking strength!



My Grandad was highly decorated in World War Two, in fact, many people believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot.




Six-legged dog species discovered.

In other news, Chinese recipe books are edited to show dog stew now has an extra two portions.




For research purposes, I'm watching the women's 'football' match between Man City and Liverpool.

Because all my paint has dried.





Musician Sheku Kanneh-Mason has said Rule, Britannia! "makes people feel uncomfortable" and should not be sung at the Last Night of the Proms.

Well if it's just a question of what makes people uncomfortable I reckon we should replace it with "Send the Buggers Back".




Good thing those ninja turtles wear masks, otherwise they could be easily identified



A six-legged dog abandoned outside a B&M store gets more offers for adoption than a newborn baby girl found in a shopping bag on a London street.

Far more Instagramable.




The wife started calling me, 'her Cornetto'

I said, "Is it because I'm delicious, crisp like a baked wafer cone, made of many layers, smooth like vanilla, tasty and nuts like Italians?"

She replied, "No. You always have a little horn, you come in soft and I wish you were in the freezer."



Irish proverb:

A kangaroo without legs knows no bounds.

[Piper]

Disney have denied that their next star wars film, a
tale about slavery within
the galactic empire has rasciist undertones and
hope that the new film will
rekindle the franchise.
The Empire Strikes Blacks will be relased later
this year.


I must say, I'm not a big
fan of French goalkeeper
Alphonse Areola.
He sounds like a bit of a
tit.


Guitarist Johnny Marr has
hit out at Donald Trump
for playing The Smiths
songs at his rallies.
He added,'He's welcome
to play Bigmouth Strikes
Again, though.'


I can't wait for
conscription to come
back to see all the
transgender men who
wanna switch back.


I sat next to a man on a
bus in China and said, "Do
you know between us we
have five bollocks?"
He replied, "Solly I move
my runch."


I've just beaten Lewis
Hamilton in a Formula 1
car.
Around the head, with a
tyre iron.


This one summer I worked
as a jack man on this
racing circuit, our team
owner called us together
to try and motivate us to
improve like a scene from
the film" Ford vs. Ferrari. "
" Do you know why we
ALWAYS lose? " he asked.
" Because our driver is a
woman. "


The weather channel is a
conspiracy.
To keep Ice cream vans in
business...


As an Ice cream van driver
I love this hot weather.
Mainly what I love is
seeing all the women in
skimpy clothes - there is
so much cleavage and
down-blouses and side-boobs
to see.
Anyway I should probably
take the van out and shut
the laptop down. There
must be a fortune to be
made out there today.


This summer I've
participated in some" Eco-friendly
water sports. "
I paid an escort that had
purple hair $200 to piss
into my mouth.

[Bikkie]

A contestant on Pointless today was given 100 points and told their answer was wrong after they said "Kate Beckinsdale" instead of "Kate Beckinsale".

I thought that was harsh for what must be a very common mistake.

Surely we would all put the D in Kate Beckinsale?





For a dare, I fucked a feminist.

I hated the sweater.

And her jumper.


Quentin has just applied for a job as harbour master.

Someone told him that there are lots of buoys in the estuary.

Oooooooh

[Piper]

Actual news headline from Ireland
"Bones found in bag could be 2,000-
year old boy"
Paddy : "oi. so. fuckin. stupid. To be
sure. Everybody knows if he's 2,000
years old he be a grown man."

[Piper]

Magnum PI only solved
3.14 crimes

( It's Tom Selleck's birthday today )

[Bikkie]

B.M.W drivers- Why not compensate for never using your indicators by leaving your front fog lamps on permanently??



Superman always had good feet.

Because he wore clark's shoes.


Which type of pastry do homosexuals love?

Puff.



Harry and Meghan release video of Duchess telling families of children who have been victims of cyber bullying that we all just want to feel safe.

There isn't a sickbag big enough.



I asked a woman today what her favorite type of man was. She said Doctors, Dentists and Coal Men. How does that work I asked. Well the Doctor asks me to take my clothes off, the Dentist asks me to open my mouth and the Coal Man asks me if I want it in the front or the back...




I've decided to identify as a Tellytubby


My pronouns are eh/oh




The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was meant to be a comedy, until the director yelled "CUT!!" at the end of filming the first scene.





If Tena Lady and Tena Men are supposed to be discreet, why do they come in packs the size of a fucking Hay bale?!.



I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

"Oi, whats your disability?"

I said, "Tourettes! now fuck off you cunt!"


After last night's Labour party meeting, we had a game of poker & at the end I yelled with delight - "I've got a straight flush!"

I was asked to leave & never return again after having my membership card torn up in my face which was then spat on

Apparently there, you have to call it a "transgender, intersex, or agendered/genderqueer, cisgender, binary/non-binary, bi-sexual, homoflexible, pansexual flush"



My mate once asked me what the dangerous thing I've ever done was...
"Stacey Solomon once gave me a blowjob" I replied
"That's not exactly dangerous" He laughed
"It was,she had fucking hiccups!" I said




Just a thought...

if I go down on a lesbian, does that give me enough omega 3?



At the end of the meal, along with my credit card to pay the bill, I handed over the deeds to the local council's waste disposal and recycling centre.


I always like to leave the waiter a tip.





Never ask
A woman her age
A man his salary
A member of the UN what they were doing on the 7th of October.




The wife asked me if I wanted a gold pocket watch for my birthday.

Stupid cow.

I don't have a gold pocket.



Second rule of the Alzheimers Club

Forget the first one



Ever wondered why Star Wars episodes 4, 5 and 6 were released before episodes 1, 2 and 3?

Because Head of Planning, Yoda was.

I?ll get my tie fighter?




Remember when you were little and you fell on the trampoline and everyone would keep jumping so you couldn't get back up?

That's how adult life feels.





I walked into the barbers and said, "How much for a crew cut?"

The bloke said, "Seven quid."

I said, "Sweet, come in lads!"

[Piper]

I'm sick of David Attenborough
whining about species going
extinct because of climate
change, without stating the
obvious.
We need to eat them whilst
we can.

[Bikkie]

After seeing King Charles, Harry was desperate to see Kate and Wills.

The former told him to piss off and the latter said "I King Charles, of sound body and mind leave fuck all to that ginger twat and his gold-digger wife"


ive heard of an actress called Daphne zuniga. in the new scooby doo series Velma, Velma Zuniga



It's a young teacher's 1st day at a school in Johannesburg and she decides to do a quiz to see where her students are up to:

"Okay class, can anyone tell me what the capital of Peru is"?

"Yes miss" replies one student, "It's Lima".

"Very good", she says. "Now, can anyone tell me what onomatopoeia is"?

"Yes miss" replies another, "It's a word that describes a sound like, woof or moo, or splash".

"Excellent", she says. "Now, can anyone here tell me what symmetry is"?

The kids look puzzled until one puts his hand up and shouts, "Miss, Miss! I can, I can! It's where they bury dead people"!





Porn star Emily Willis 'in critical condition' following suspected overdose.

Maybe she shouldn't have swallowed the lot after all.



Leonardo DiCaprio famously won't date anyone over the age of twenty-five

For the life of me, I just can't understand why saggy-titted past-it bitter women have a problem with that



My dyslexic friend took a solo yacht trip, but promised to keep in touch.

A few days later he sent an update in morse code , . . . _ _ _ . . . _ _ _

S0 SO . I thought. Could be better , but at least he's okay.



My new girlfriend has a split personality and has identity issues.

Her name is Jacqueline Hyde




Rumours that Michelle Keegan will be the next Bond girl brings back memories of the Boddingtons adverts with Melanie Sykes

"Hey'up duck, Y'alright Juhmes, dya want it shekun or sturrud luv'

[Piper]

I don't know what they're
teaching kids our schools
nowadays. When I asked my
daughter who made the "I
Have A Dream Speech" she
said ABBA.


I refer to testicles as
'Wonkas' because they're
in between a Willy and a
Chocolate Factory.


Just came back from willy
wonkas factory.
Guess what the fireguard
was made out of...


There are so many pot
holes where I live that the
songs on the radio jump
whenever I hit one.


I'm confused. Why is the
cost of funerals rising due
to the cost of living.


Paddy said "I went to see
Doctor Smith yesterday
and he gave me a referral
to another doctor"
Mick replied "So whats the
other doctors name"
Paddy "I didn't hear him
well but I think it was Colin
Ostamy. I didn't know what
he is going to do!"


In the Marvels, we hear - Use
your black magic girl.
If the girl was white, would
it be fair to say - Use your
white power girl?


My mouth waters when I
smell steak...
I wonder if the same thing
happens to vegans
When they mow the grass.


Travis Kelce has laid
on more balls this season
than Taylor Swift


It's uncanny how some of
these old sayings are true.
Absence makes the heart
grow fonder said my wife
as she waved me goodbye
on the visit to her mother.
Since then I have grown
quite fond of my next door
neighbour.
I actually gave her one
on my kitchen floor this
morning.

[Bikkie]

My wife just called me to say that she was running late and if I was hungry I'd have to cook myself.

Don't get me wrong, I'm fucking starving, but self cannibalism seems a bit extreme.



Watching ghostbusters the wife says our new neighbours are black, they should make a film called wogbusters where they go around getting rid of spooks



Do you know what I love about the MOBO awards?

Its the one night of the year that my car isn't getting broken into.




Failure to track every single movement of Abdul Ezedi means two things:

1. He is being looked after by his community after carrying out a honour attack.
2. The fuckers car is ULEZ compliant.



"Kevin O'Sullivan Rants After Protesters Jailed For Wearing 'Menacing' Face Masks"

Ironic, isn't it? Four years ago they'd have been jailed for not wearing them.



A poetic valentine verse to those in Bradford
ROSES ARE RED
VIOLETS ARE BLUE
MY WIFE'S ELEVEN
IM FIFTY TWO



the number of Womens football teams have doubled in recent years,
I never new there were so many lesbians in the country.



Valentines Card :
"I'm training to be an astronaut and my first mission is to explore Uranus"



"I've got some good news and I've got some bad news," I told my wife.

"Haha, I thought you said 'Jews' just then," she laughed.

"That's ridiculous," I said. "Why would there be good Jews?"




It's getting daft now with this ultra woke PC bullshit. You can't even say "down tools"


You have to say, "Harvey - go get the Black & Decker..."




The MOBO awards have just been held.

For those not in the know, MOBO stands for Music Of Black Origin.

What, other people's car stereos?



"Irish unification referendum by 2030, says Sinn Fein leader"

That's the good news. The bad news is it will be renamed Nigeria.

[Piper]

Valentine story: Short version.
We met, we shagged, we
got married, we got fat, we
ate happily ever after.


For Valentine's Day I bought
some slutty latex lingerie and
big sex toys for my girlfriend.
By which I mean after ego,
Yvonne.


Valentine's Day is the day
that the "V" and "D" come
together...


A Valentine’s Day thought :

If the plural of mouse is mice,

Is having more than one spouse,
Spice?


My 12 year old son got
home from school and he
was very upset, "I got a
Valentine's Day card today
dad," he told me.
"Well that's nothing to be
upset about, I would be
chuffed if it were me," I replied.
"It was off Father O'Malley,"
he replied.


The wife hinted I was getting
a new VW for valentines
Day.
Turned out it was just a
wank.


My girlfriend refused to
suck my cock.
I said "Come on love,
today's the Feast of St
Valentine.!"


My girlfriend got me some
socks with hearts on for
Valentine's Day.
She got mad when I said
they were perfect for
wanking into when she's
not in the mood.


Roses are red
Violets are blue
Don't confuse KY
For Gorilla Glue.


Happy ALENTINES
AY
for those that won't be
getting the V and D on
February 14th.

[Bikkie]

According to a new poll, a majority of women want their men to propose on Valentine's Day.

The same poll revealed men would rather propose on April Fool's Day...



LGBTQ+ HIStory month.

Shouldn't that be LGBTQ+ They/Them/story month ?








Wildlife and Countryside Link, a group of 82 voluntary organisations which includes the National Trust, the RSPCA and the World Wildlife Fund, was invited to address a group of MPs on the subject of 'racism and its influence on the natural world'.

Its report concluded the countryside is a 'white space' and there are 'structural, experiential, and cultural' barriers preventing rural Britain being accessible to minority ethnic groups.

The simple solution to getting black people in the countryside is more trees.




Saw a billboard outside my local theatre earlier

It read:

LENNY HENRY THIS SATURDAY

So I climbed up & fixed it for them:

LENNY HENRY IS ATURD




So sitting bull is giving names out to the braves graduating to man hood and calls the first one white owl...just as he's speaking a little brave down the line interrupts him ..."me me what's my name whats my name".. wait your turn says sitting bull and continues with why he's called white owl white owl .. as expected the litle brave interrupts again and keeps interrupting through out the whole naming ceremony..eventually after many hours of naming and interruptions he comes to the little brave and decides his name will be "Thrush" ..because you're an irritating little cunt.






Sticks and stones may break my bones

But you will always find something to upset a feminist









In the back of your eye, you have two types of receptors.

The first type only give you monochrome images but work well in low light conditions and they are called rods.

The other type of receptor allows you to see colours and those are called coons.




Jada smith scares off two burglars, hollywood are making a film about it.

Its called Dome Alone.




To deter potential suicides, the Japanese have installed mirrors along the tracks in all of Tokyo's train stations. They believe seeing your own reflection will discourage people from jumping in front of a train.

How the fuck will they know it's their own reflection?




As a banker, my favourite sex position is . .

Reverse mortgage.

[Bikkie]

Donald Trump is fined $364 MILLION in civil fraud trial for overstating his net worth.

No problem. He has a set of golf clubs worth that much - he can sell.





Constitutional qualifications to become US President

35 years of age.
Natural-born citizen of USA
14 years residency in the country
Last name is not Trump




Beyonce. If you ever come to Texas, I'll fucking hold 'em.




I asked my dyslexic Jewish pal if he was a Zionist

"No never" - he said - "I can't play any musical instrument"


What's the definition of a black hole?

A nigger's arse.





They say if you give a million monkeys a typewriter each, with infinite time they?ll write the complete works of Shakespeare.

However, they only need half an hour to write an episode of Emmerdale.



Valentines Card :
"I’m training to be an astronaut and my first mission is to explore Uranus"

[Bikkie]

Me: There's no lamb
Chef: Then grill the chicken

Me *shining light on chicken's face* tell us where the lamb is, you fucking son of a bitch




I was first introduced to a Japanese prostitute when she gave me a full body oily massage.

Ever since then, I've been on a slippery slope.



If you go to a pub wearing a tennis outfit... you'll get served straight away


Biden responds to critics: "I can't remember a single time when my memory has failed me!"



A Chinese-speaking cybercrime group are targeting iOS users with malware that steals face scans from the users of Apple devices to break into and pilfer money from bank accounts ? thought to be a world first.

Easy to do in China - got one, got them all!

[Bikkie]

If there are more than two genders, why are there only two options for a sex change?




A practical joke for a change - Folks. Amazon Alexa devices don't have any kind of security when it comes to setting things like alarms and reminders, so if you ever find yourself alone with one, try saying something like "Alexa......... Set a reminder for 8pm on [Some random date in the following month] that it's my turn to bring anal lube for the next pedo dungeon club meeting".
You can also add things to the owners Amazon shopping list by just saying something like "Alexa.......... Add a 10" inflatable butt plug, latex catsuit, and nipple clamps to my shopping list".
Once you realise the sort of crap you can do with an unsupervised Alexa, the possibilities are endless. :D



Saw a rare bird today.

A woman changing her own flat tyre




Did you hear about the bouncy castle that ended up beyond repair after being exposed to those Asian grooming gangs?


It was badly let down by the authorities




People think The Rolling Stones were wild crazy rockstars because one time they threw a TV out of a window.

Well I think Eric Clapton one-upped them.


Trump wins and tells Joe 'you're fired,'
Then sets about getting everyone hired,
Puts an end to the war in twenty four,
Zelensky's mad, but its not all bad.
The missiles aren't flying,,so we're not dying.
Bc Putin doesn't start the third world war,
And you and I can exist some more.



A black man shopping for paint with his four-year-old son says he was racially profiled and refused service at Hobbycraft after staff said he may use the paint for 'doing graffiti'.

He told reporters, 'That's some bullshit right there, we was just gonna huff the motherfucker.'


Back when I was a kid, if you played up in class, they'd diagnose you as having "Attention Deficit Disorder", and zonk you out with Ritalin. It seems barbaric that we'd do that to kids........

So thank god we now live in more enlightened times, where if a boy plays up in class, they just convince him that he's a girl, then chop "HER" bollocks off !!!




What have the Ukraine war & Prince Andrew got in common?


They're both entering a third year




I was approached in the street and asked, "Excuse me, as a non-binary being, I'm representing The All-Gender Gathering. Would you like to take our survey or sign our petition for recognition and equality?"

I replied, "I cant. I only help men or women."





The wife was stopped on her bike by a copper.

He asked, "Where's your helmet?"

She replied, "He's at home picking his arse."



I bought the wife a new Suzuki jeep.

So delighted, she's telling everyone loudly from its roof.

Or, shouting from the Jimney top.



Fuck paying up front for cremations.

Tell them you want click and collect.




Why do politicians lie?

Because when they tell the truth they get sacked and called racist by self-loathing arseholes on Twitter


i've got a bit in common with the lunar lander.

Still functioning after falling on my side leaving the pub.




I remember years ago reading about how some monkeys were actually intelligent enough to use tools to get food. I've found it astounding to see how quickly they've evolved in their tool using abilities.
Since back then, they've also learnt to use knives to get money/jewellery, and pens to get benefit payments !


How'd you lose a black man in a car park?

Leave your car unlocked.



We were watching a film on the telly when all of a sudden the bloke lifts the woman onto the kitchen top and starts to make love to her,

"Yeah, right, " said the wife, " as if that happens. "

"I totally agree, " I replied, "the only thing that gets fucked in our kitchen is the food. "




When pulling the stalk from an apple, does anyone else imagine they're about to throw a hand grenade at the Muslim in work?




I don't know what's more shocking. The fact a big WW2 bomb lay undiscovered in a Plymouth garden for over 70 years or the fact the thousands of evacuated residents returned home to find migrants hadn't been moved in.



In a restaurant, I ordered a bottle of water, a glass of wine and two steaks.

"Still water?" The waiter asked me.

"Yes," I replied, "I've not changed my mind."



What do Will & Jada Smith have in common?

They both slap other men's cheeks.




I adore snorting cocaine off the cheeks of my girlfriends beautiful arse.

That's the bottom line.


I was first introduced to a Japanese prostitute when she gave me a full body oily massage.

Ever since then, I've been on a slippery slope

[Bikkie]

Was listening to some U2 songs with everything mutted except the guitars.
Very Edgy sound.




Was listening to some U2 songs with all the guitars muted.
Kinda takes the edge off it.





I'm playing my music loud this morning,my neighbour loves it.
He keeps banging on the wall requesting Sunday Bloody Sunday.





The singer,Bono,was called up for jury service.He was in a room with others.The clerk entered and pointed at people.
"Right,I want You,you,you,you,you,you,you,you and pointing at Bono......YOU TOO"





I've been playing a lot of 'Bonopoly' recently.It's a bit like'Monopoly' but where the streets have no names...





I went for a job at a large building constructors and they asked if I had vertigo.I said,"Oh yes I do,although not one of U2's finest songs though."





Rick Wakeman is on the verge of recruiting thr U2 guitarist for a new version of his classic Yes album.
He's close To The Edge.





I've listened to some of the great lead guitarists for many years,Hendrix,Clapton,Buckingham to name but a few,but that guy from U2 has just got the Edge.





Opened my fridge and thought I heard the spring onions doing Bee Gees numbers,but it was just the chives talkin'





I went to a medieval jousting tournamentwith Barry Gibb and I saw him put on this huge gauntlet.
I aked him,How deep is your glove? And that's when he wrote the song......
....Tragedy.





I can't stop listening to music by the Bee Gees.
Doctor says I've got Saturday Night Fever.





Did you know, the urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is only a whim away?





Just found out the Scottish guy who lives next door to me is a drug dealer who also does a Marc Bolan tribute act at weekends.That explains his nickname..."Sell A Gram Tam"





Most of the rock legends of the 60's and 70's died young because of their utterlyreckless behaviour.

Jim Morrison used to snort huge amounts of cocaine.

Keith Moon washed down his anti-alcoholism pills with champagne.

And Marc Bolan let his missus drive.





The musician and former teacher Gordon Sumner is best known by his chosen stage name of Sting.
When he dies,I wonder if he'll be known as Stung?





The usrlees Home Office have lost my Police Records.
I loved Walking On The Moon.







The wife came right into my face and said,"I'm fed up with your obsession with The Police."
I said. "Hey,back off.Don't stand so close to me!"







There was an indecent at a Sting concert last night.
I saw the Police



When jamiroquai dies,will he go deeper underground?




As a boy growing up in the 1960's I enjoyed pop music and being cruel to insects.
I have particularly fond memories of the stones versus the beetles.





My mate works for an environmentally conscious toilet roll manufacturer in quality control,checking for bugs in the system and correcting them.
He's the beetles paper pack righter.






Will The Beatles ever be reunited?
Yes if someone shoots Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr.





I only need one more Beatles album to complete my collection,so I asked all my friends.

It was pointless though.

Nobody could offer me Help.





My wife's worried about my obsession to complete my collection of Beatles records.
"You need help," she said.
"No I don't...I've already got that one."





Asians have an appetite for insects.
Yoko Ono has a specific taste for Beatles.




I just watched that movie where that dothead Indian bloke covers all the Beatles songs.
They definitely missed a trick by not also having him sing 'While my Sitar gently weeps"





The Beatles once sang "Love is all you need."
I can tell you from experience this is not true.If you own a budgie-they also require food and water.





All John Lennon could do about having no material possessions was to Imagine it.




David; Wanna hear a Beatles joke?
John; You already told me one...
David; When?
John; Yesterday.




When asked who her greatest influence was,musician Courtney Love replied,"Yoko Ono"




History has it,that Cilla Black is the only woman to have fucked every member of The Beatles.
The fifth Beatle,Pete,was best.
Rngo was no star.She said he was so bad,he finished with a Thomas the tank.



I saw a girl busking today.
She had a great voice,and an even better pair of legs,emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing.
"Any requests?" she asked the watching crowd.
"Your thong," I replied with a wink.
Everyone gasped in horror,and the girl slapped me.
It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.




I asked Elton John what County cricket team played at The Oval.He seemed to know the answer but was struggling to get the word out.
I guess Surrey seems to be the hardest word.




After a passionate night of love making Elton John has been inspired to release a song about his husband David-And I Guess That's why they all say "IT'S POOH!!!"





I saw a Chinaman perform an Elton John tribute act last night.
My favourite was his version of 'Crocodile Wok'




People say that the Dark side of the moon by Pink Floyd is a timeless. album.
But I've listened to it a lot,and time is definitely on there,it's track 3!





Dave Gilmour and Nick Mason were walking down the road in London one day in 1972 and saw a mad nigger with his arse hanging out of a window.
The rest as they say is history.




The Clash sang,:Should I stay or should I go now? If I go there will be trouble an' if I stay it wil be double"
There you go then,better to leave.





Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
Sort of answers itself really.





First rule of Rick Astley Fan Club...
You know the rules,and so do I!





Rick Astley has admitted he's shit at custard pie fights.
He said "he'd never run around and dessert you"





Interviewer: So are you never gonna give us up?

Man: Nope.

Interviewer: Never let us down?

Man: Nope.

Interviewer: Never gonna run around and desert us?

Man: Nope.

Interviewer: Never gonna make us cry?

Man: Nope.

Interviewer: Never gonna say goodbye?

Man: Nope.

Interviewer: Never gonna tell a lie and hurt us?

Man: Nope.

Interviewer: Alright then,congratulations Rick Astley,you've got the job.
Look forward to seeing you on Monday!





I lost concentration briefly driving along a counrty lane in Northumbria and put the car in a ditch.
I spotted a farmer in his tractor just over the fence and asked him if he could pull me out.
He said,"Fuck yerself.
yous were speedin.Serves yer fookin reet."
I replied exasperated,"Ah give me a break man.I'm in dire straits." to which he snapped back
Yer lyin bastard.Yer look fook all like the knopfler bruvvers."





I asked that cunt Mark Knopfler if he could spare any change when I was homeless.
He said "sorry I'm in Dire Straits myself pal"

[Bikkie]

My girlfriend said she's leaving me because of obssession with Bob Marley!...
Oh well,no woman no cry!





Did you hear about the time Bob Marley got arrested for assault in an airport? He claimed it was self defence...
He said he was fighting in arrivals,fighting for survival.





Bob Marley was once accused of shooting a famous Egyptian actor and a deputy headteacher.
When questioned by police he said "I shot the sharif but I didn't shoot the deputy.





Sheriff John Brown always hated me.For what,I don't know.
Really Bob? You don't know why?




What do you call three rastafarians in a boat with harpoons and half a ton of ganja?
Bob Marley and The Whalers.





Just tried to visit Bob Marleys home but I could not get in.
The door kept Jamming.





I bought Def Leppard's
drum kit. It was half price.
Normally they cost an arm
and a leg.





My dyslexic mate is a
huge fan of 80's band
ABC
In fact he's got every
album DEF Leppard ever
made.





When a Cougar gets so
old that she needs a
hearing aid,she becomes
a Def Leppard.



Ironic isn't it! All those
number ones Elvis had in
his life...and he ended up
dying on a number two!!





I have an idea for a chain
of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who
love meat tender.



A young boy is listening
to the radio in the car with
his father."Dad,what
music did you like growing
up?"
"I was a huge fan of Led
Zeppelin," the father
replies.
"Who?" the son asks.
"Yeah," the dad responds,
"I liked them too."





I've been banned from
our local petrol station
for playing 'The Who' too
loudly on my car stereo...
I won't get fuelled again.





I saw a Flock of seagulls tribute band last night.
Called A Murder Of Crows.





I offered Bonnie Tyler a Quality Street earlier but she declined.
She said she was holding out for a Hero.




It's gonna be a bright
( bright ) Bright ( bright )
sunshiny day.

Sad news. I broke up with
my girlfriend Lorriane
because I was seeing
another girl named Clair
Lee. But the good news is
that I can see Clair Lee
now that Lorraine is gone.




Just listening to Bruce Springsteen's song
'Glory Days' and I can't help but think that he was
singing about the good old times when we were
allowed to hate niggers...





"Hey Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me"
What, on a fucking tambourine?





How do you tell how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weight, give it a weigh now.





I want to see 99 men sing
Toto's song Africa,because it's a 100 more men and women can't do.





I can't begin to tell you how much I
fucking regret buying the flat above
Lionel Ritchie.





Never go for an Indian with the
Beastie Boys when they're hungry.
You gotta fight, for your right,
chapati.




I've been listening to music by the
Artic Monkeys,The Strokes and
Coldplay but it's given me stomach
pain.Think I might have Indie gestion.





I hate people who make sentences out
of song titles because it reminds me of
somebody that I used to know.





My mate Frankie actually went to Hollywood.
He didn't make a song and dance about it though.




My wife told me she was leaving me because
of my Justin Beiber obsession.
As she was walking out the door,I took one last chance to make her change her mind.
I asked her if it was too late to say sorry.




"Anvil: the 80's metal icons
who were born to fail"
After every concert they'd
go to the bar and get hammered.

[Bikkie]

How to make a Meatloaf song:

1. Must be over 10
minutes.Anything less
is inadequate and you
should be ashamed.
2. Title must contain over
50 characters.Adding
brackets is also a must.
3. The title must be
contradictory.So you say
you'll do anything for love,
expect you won't do that.
4. The title must contain
at least one instance of
Girl.
Examples include
: You Can Never Be Too
Sure About the Girl
: Modern Girl
: Special Girl
: Lost Boys and Golden
Girls
: Good Girls Go to Heaven
( Bad Girls Go Everywhere )
5. Repeat the chours many
times,it's not like they've
heard it enough anyways.
Get that point across....
6. Do not let them forget
it's rock and roll.If it helps,
stick it in the title.They
still might not even know
what the genre is...
7. If you want,make it
educational.2 out of 3 is
good starting point for
fractions.
: Alternatively,make
references to Heaven and
Hell.That'll teach kids
christianity.
8. Make sequels.One
album isn't enough.
Trilogies are the next
hot trend.Besides,that
Grammy won't win itself...
9. Always make sure you
belt out the piano first.
10. The most important?
Scream like it's the end of
the world!!





Magic I've only got three
albums in my collection.
Two by Meatloaf and one
by Michael Jackson.
Two out of three ain't Bad.

[Bikkie]

"It's a quarter after one, I'm
a little drunk and I need
you now...."
My lawyer's getting pretty
sick of me leaving that on
his answer phone.



I went to Billy Haley's Fish
and chip shop the other
day.
They do Hake,Haddock
and Sole.



What are a pre-eminent
white rapper's favourite
sweets?
M&Ms.
( Not that it Mathers ).



My friend makes paintings
of Eminem combined with
other famous rappers.
He's a mixed Marshall
aetist.



Who is the best candy
(w)rapper?
Eminem



At the start of the
pandemic Robbie Williams
was using antibactererial
wipes.
But now he's loving hand
gel instead.



My stupid schizophrenic
dyslexic mate who thinks
he is Robbie Williams has
just bought himself 2 pet
tigers,He'd loving bengals
instead.



Times were more innocent
when I was a child.
If a six year old heard the
Sweet singing Little Willy
these days,they'd just
assume it was about anal
sex.



My girlfriend has
nicknamed me "The
Sweet" because Little
Willy Willy won't go
home.......



How can you tell a
drummer is at your door?
A: The knocking speeds up,
slows down,speeds up,
slows down..
B: Has no idea what keys
are or their importance
C: You ordered pizza 28
minutes ago
D: He has to put the pizza
on the ground before
knocking (Def Leppard
only)
E: Even if the door is wide
open,he doesn't know
when to come in.



What did the drummer call
his twin daughters?
And a 1 and a 2



A guitartist was shagging
this fit woman when her
husband walked in on
them.
"What the fuck do you
think you're doing?" he
yelled.
" I told you he was stupid,"
said the woman,"Never
marry a drummer."



How many drummers
does it take to change a
light bulb?
And a one and a two,and
a one two three four.



Went to the new Wham
themed night club in town
last night aptly named
"Club Tropiana"
All that's missingis the c!
I know I know I will ####
off,coat's under my arm!
(credit Jeff Fenners
soccer team)



George Michael is a liar.
I went to Club Tropicana
but the drinks were
defiantly not free.



'....I joined a Carpenter's
class the other day.
we haven't made anything
yet.
We've only just begun.'



Karen Carpenter would
have had a more
successful music career
but she decided to leave
Bread.







I was going to see The
Eagles,but I gave them
the bird.



Take it to the limit one
more time. I fucking
hate these musical
bathroom scales...







My girlfriend left me
because of my obsession
with 80's synth pop
What have I,what have
I,what have I done to
deserve this?



Classical Music for Cats....

Beethoven-Fur Elise

Handel-Meowssiah

Puccini-Nessun

Dormouse

Vivaldi-The Paw Seasons
Got my coat on already....

[Bikkie]

I was asked what I
remember about the
summer of '76.
One thing I do know
is Bryan Adams never
released it.



Diana Ross was asked
what she thought about
gay men being thrown
off high places in
Afghanistan.
"Ain't no mountain high
enough",she replied.



My wife left me because
of my obsession with the
band Super Tramp.
I've now met someone
else.Take a look at my
girlfriend.



My wife keeps saying
she'll leave me because of
my obsession with Buddy
Holly.
That'll be the day.



My girlfriend is leaving me
because of my obsession
with Eighties music.
Such ingratitude.When
I first met her she was
working as a waitress in a
cocktail bar.



I took my wife to see "Air
Supply" last year when her
favourite group from the
80's came by locally.
Even I thought it was
quite ironic that they were
heavily supporting the
SJW-BLM shit and both
wore "I Can't Breathe"
T-Shirts.




Yesterday,I got so
depressed..
...I spent the entire day
listening to Celine Dion
records.
-
-
Or that;'s what I thought
until I realised my cat had
fallen into the dryer.



Two chinese lads were
having a heated argument
about pop music.I
managed to calm them
down by getting them
to listen to the sweet,
relaxing tones of 60's
scottish folk singer
Donovan.
# They call me Mellow
Yellow #



I asked Iron Maiden's
Bruce Dickinson why he
was very reluctant to eat
Foie Gras.He said "Fear
of the duck,fear of the
duck"





What's 25m long,screams
and has no pubic hair?
The front row of a Harry
Styles concert.



I thought I saw Westlife
walking through the
desert.Turned out to be
Oasis.



What is a vulture's favourite
song?
Carrion My Wayward Son.



Went to the bank today
and the woman behind
the counter suddenly started
singing Downtown.I
thought to myself that's a
Peculiar Clerk.



I was at a 90's night at my
local nightclub.
I went up to the DJ and
said,"play some Garbage,
mate."
He played '5-6-7-8 by
Steps.



There's a guy who used
to be in 10cc and his
surname is Creme...Lol



According to Bang
Showbiz,Daryl Hall was
asked to replace David
Lee Roth in Van Halen.
That's a bit like asking
Demis Roussos to replace
Lemmy in Motorhead.

[Bikkie]

Why was there no water in
the band Earth,Wind and
Fire?
The lazy bastards didn't
want to walk the 2 mile to
get it.



I'm fed up with my so
calles mates,3 times now
they have agreed to go to
a Whitesnake gig with me
and then not show up.
Here I go again on my
own.



When I was a kid I was in
a band called The Small
Faeces....
We were little shits then.



My nurse friend asked
me where she could
find some scrubs,I said
probably hanging out the
passenger side of his best
friends ride.



Have you heard about the
new all-Muslim boy band?
They're gonna be called
Quran Quran.




What do you call an Indian
pop star?
Singh Song.


What's a Scotswoman's
favourite Rolling Stones
album?
Black and Blue.

What's a paki's favourite
Rolling Stones album?
Goats Head Soup.

What's a Scouser's favourite
Rolling Stones album?
Sticky Fingers.



A group of ex policemen
have started an Electric
Light Orchestra tribute
band.
El ello ello ello.



I opened a bottle of bubbly
and it started singing
Feeling Good.Turns out it
was a bottle Buble'



Dear Mr and Mrs Cheery,
what sort of shit were you
both on when you decided
it was a good idea to
name your new born son
Eagle Eyed.



"Granddad...when you
were a teenager,which
poster did you have
hanging on your wall?"
"Debbie Harry.And it
wasn't hanging,it was
stuck."



So I went to this over
70's party in Scotland,I
knocked on the door and
said,"Hows things going?"
They said,"Come on in it's
just started swinging."
I thought,Fuckin ell
they've invited The
Krankies.



Song for Mathematicians:
Get your kicks,on
8.12403840463596



I once met Roy Rogers on
a river boat in Germany
smoking weed.
he was a Rhine stoned
cowboy.



I got invited to Ronnie
Scott's last night for an
evening of scat jazz.
I'd never heard so much
shit in me life.



I've recently started a
sewing machine choir.
Got a great bunch of
Singers.



My dog is obsessed with
classical music.
Everytime I ask him what
composer we should
listen to,all he replies
with 'Bach' Bach' Bach'



Did you hear about the
rapper that excluded fans
with a certain zodiac sign?
No Taurus B.I.G



What's Gary Glitter's
favourite western?
Young Buns.



Quinten Crisp has been
Aasked to join three 1980's
tribute bands:

Tears for Queers
Electric Light-on-his-Feet Orchestra
Dexy's Midnight Bummer's



I just saw Cat Stevens
sitting down,crying next
to his camper van.I said
"What's the matter cat?"
He said "awning has
broken."



I'm a huge fan of Black Sabbath.
I went to put on 'Paranoid'
earlier,but there was a different
CD in the box.
I bet some bugger's broken
in and switched them around
to make me think I'm losing my
marbles.



I'm both a Gardener and a
aspiring Rapper.
Life ain't nothing but
Bushes and Hoes.



I had a vinyl album called
"Wasp Noises," but when
I played the first track it
didn't sound like a wasp
and the sound track didn't
sound like a wasp either...
Then I realised I was playing
the B side...



Someone said that the
best love song ever is
when a man loves a
woman by Percy Sledge...
I just thought how fucking
massive would your cock
be to need a sledge to get
it around.



Roy Wood sang to me
"See My Baby Jive" I said
"Roy she's just trying
to squeeze out of your
wife's minge"



Cyndi Lauper is reported
to be sick and tired of buying
the same herbs over and
over again.
Thyme after thyme.



I remember going to my
first ever gig,it was in
Exter in 1982,there were
all these punks screaming
and all I could smell was
raw fish,soy sauce and
cold rice.
Looking back,maybe
going to see Sushi and the
Banshees was a bad idea.



Eric Clapton once said
something like,"Being
a Racist is better and is
a more fufilling step-up
from drugs."
I still credit him as the
main reason I was able to
quit the smack.



Found out the other day
that the Dixie Chicks were
named after the Dixie
states in America.
I'll be honest,I thought it
was because they were a
little bit tranny.



Sat navs voiced by
singers DO NOT USE the
following...
Elvis (You'll end up in the Getto)
Bonnie Tyler (Lost in France)
Chris Rea (On the road to nowhere)
Harry Styles,Zayn Malik and mates (Will
send you in just One Direction)
Gene Pitney (No matter where he sends
you,it will be 24 hours from Tulsa)

Feel free to abb your own!!



Did Stevie Wonder ever go on
a blind date?



Some people call me
the space cowboy-even
though I'm not
some people call me the
gangster of love-even
though I'm not
some people call me
Maurice cos I speak of the
pompatus of love-even
though that isn't my name
and I don't know wha that
word means
some people can fuck off.



This means nothing to me
Great tune,perhaps
not to play as the first
dance at my wedding.



I own two shirts and some
neckwear that used to
belong to the guy out of
the mamas and papas.
All the sleeves are brown
And the tie is grey.



I love Adele's fast songs;
they end sooner.



I'm starting a funky
ground works gang
'Soul Drain



This shit is bananas,b-a-n-a-n-a-s.
I guess Gwen Stefani likes the same
kind of porn that I do.



As my wife looked at the
wet and ruined cake she
moaned,"Someone left
the cake out in the rain...I
don't think I can take
it,cause it took so long to
bake it,and I'll never have
that recipe again!"
"I know,that was me,you
fat fuck."



I used to work as a taxi driver
in Brixton,but hated picking up
Afro Caribbean's from the
Reggae clubs as they used to
jump around all inside the car.
Luckily I found a cure,Velcro on
the roof lining.

[Piper]

There's been some
controversy about a photo
of Kate Middleton.
Prince Andrew is behind
this one, he's great at
touching things up.


Someone just rang my phone and sneezed
then hung up!
I'm getting fed up of these
cold calls!!


What do you call a chink
who looks like Jimmy Hill?
Chin Lao.

[Bikkie]

Ship's officer: When should we turn?

Captain: Let's cross that bridge when we get to it.





Like a bridge under troubled water




The woman driving that cargo ship in Baltimore should have gone to wreck savers




Captain to first officer: Please contact the bridge...




Bridge collapses in America... hoping and praying right now that Hangsap was on there.





A bridge spanning Baltimore's Patapsco River has collapsed after it was hit by a cargo ship,

Vladamir Putin claimed that Ukraine terrorists will strike even against their only friends.




So looks like women are driving cargo ships now??



A bridge too Near!



The captain of a container ship crashed it into a bridge in Baltimore.

What a fucking tanker.




Apparently that bridge in america was fine when the boat hit it. it was when one fat yank stepped onto it to check it that's when the problems started





The ship that crashed into a Baltimore bridge was Singaporean.

I told you those fuckers have a mainly horizontal field of vision.



Why did the bridge fall into the Patapsco River?

Because they should have baltedmore




Oh say can you see?

Captain: Apparently not. Now where's this bridge you talk about?




They love baseball in Baltimore, but that harbour pilot must be a cricket fan; went straight for leg stump.



Apparently that spot on the Patapsco River inspired the Star Spangled Banner.
...Ohhh say can't you see...
"The bridge! There's a fuckin bridge!!"



And now for the Baltimore shipping forecast

Blblblblblblblbl





This has got to be disinformation.

I just read that the Baltimore bridge incident was plotted by Al-Qu'aeda.




Wish my girlfriend went down as quick as that bridge.This has got to be disinformation.





Baltimore cargo ship captain: "Cards, anyone?"

First officer: "Bridge!"





That's why I've knocked takeaways on the head for lent this year, after a few Balti-mores from my local curry house my rectum collapses like that fucking bridge.



When people with lisps say "Bithneth", you know they mean business.




The Scottish Hate Crime Act:

Sticks and stones may break your bones but Trannys' feelings are more important.




"Norfolk whisky beats Scottish rivals as world?s best single malt"

Just six fingers, please!





I was eating lunch in the canteen in work,and the fat lass from accounts was sitting opposite me. She had just finished her 3rd helping of cake and then started to pick up every single crumb of the plate
I must have O C D she said. giggling.
I replied You forgot the B
She goes Huh?
I said Yeah O B C D




International reaction to Muslim terrorist atrocities in their country:
France - open rubber boat shops in Calais.
USA - invade Afghanistan and lose.
Russia - blame Ukraine.
Israel - kick the shit out of them.
UK - say it's too early to speculate until it's no longer in the news.





Top Tip.....If you're being chased by a gang of furious taxidermists, DO NOT play dead....



NYC Mayor Assures Migrants That If They Run Out Of Prepaid Debit Cards They Can Just Rob Americans Directly




RFK jnr has announced his VP pick for November's election.

I'm surprised he even thinks he can win the Presidency , after finishing last on
" The Voice ".





Shohei Ohtani, $700m baseball star, insists he has NEVER bet on sports.

So he only bet on Baseball?



THEY'VE DONE IT!

WALES HAVE BOOKED THEIR PLACE AT BENIDORM 2024.

AGAINST ALL ODDS!





So a poofter goes into boots and tries loads of new perfumes ..he likes one in particular and asks the assistant what it's called...she says it's called come to me....he says



Hmm that's funny it doesn't smell like cum to me




What about the two gay telephonists...


Kept trying to ring each other



Heard about the Queer shepherd



Kept Mountain goats.




What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I'm not sure but the flag is a big plus.

[Bikkie]

My dad always said "when one door shuts, another one opens"
He never could sell that Skoda.



The Thames is so filthy this year, the boat race crews aren't even going to try. They'll just be going through the motions.




Sam Bankman-Fried has been sentenced to 25 years in prison for masterminding the 8bn fraud that led to the collapse of cryptocurrency exchange FTX.

Fuck me, just think how much his Bitcoins'll be worth by then.



It could be far far worse for Sam Bankman-Fried facing 25 years in prison.

His girlfriend could have said she would wait for him.



Cadbury's are getting pilloried for renaming their Easter eggs 'Gesture eggs'.

Isn't that what Cadbury's fingers are for?.


Celebrity conjoined twins, Abby and Brittany Hensel may share one body, but legally, they had to choose which of them would marry partner, Josh Bowling.

A coin toss with heads every time.



The birds used to call me Spock and love my Vulcan special, two in the pink two in the stink ??




These days I get worried when I have to slap a misbehaving child in the supermarket.

You never know who's going to take offence.

Especially when it's not yours.



My mate once said to me, you know there is silly string do you think there is serious string?

I said yeah its called a noose.





My Chinese mate is always sweaty after a game of table tennis.

Ping Pong



This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada.

After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?"

The barman says, "It's a Moose."

The Scottish chap says, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"



This stuck up doctor was bragging about spending five years at university studying medicine to become a doctor.


"Wow, " I said to her, "what a coincidence, that's the same amount of time I spent waiting for my last fucking appointment. "

[Bikkie]

Years ago I bought a private registration plate for a few quid, and now it's worth the best part of sixty grand.

B1TC 01N.


Conjoined twins Abby and Brittany Hensel have a secret wedding to marry one of the heads to army veteran Josh Bowling.

Josh says he yearns for a twosome.





Gotta feel sorry for that dude who married the Siamese twin.

Two women to nag him, and only one fanny between them.




I was embarrassed at a "gender reveal" party. After they explained it, I quickly put my underwear back on and left quietly.




Grown ups go to Kings Cross Station and run into a wall because they think that platform 9 and 3/4 from the Harry Potter series is real.

It's a bit like going into a polling booth.



Visited London and realised that immigration is like investment.

It puts your capital at risk.



Worst thing about women's football?

All the extra stoppage time while the ref tries to explain the offside rule.



On the back of touring India, why is there no list on the Internet of things that can't cause Diarrhoea?.




Deport: What a Jamaican drinks after de rum.




Meghan Markle is selling her candle of grievance with sobbing crystal petals for 85 quid.

Along the lines of Gwyneth Paltrow, the candle smells of Anus.

[Bikkie]

My friend bought an
engagement ring for his
girlfriend that is too big.
She ought to go on a diet.





Until recent,I've always
found it a strange
coincidence that so many
liberals are so vigorous
about mask wearing.
I couldn't find a logical link
between the two things.
Then it dawned on me.
They're all ugly fuckers.





Can you imagine Lewis
Hamilton getting a hard
on?
The dark knight rises.





Went on a bussiness trip tp
Brazil and being half rice half
chips muself,I thought I'd treat
myself to one of their acclaimed
male prostitutes for the night.
Took him back to the hotel and
said,"I want to eat your naughty
Bralilian sausage..."
He says,"Ah,innuendo..."
"No,in my mouth."





My son said he wants to sleep
with a 1,000 women before he
reaches 30.
I said,"Don't be stupid,you have
to sleep with 30 first."





A chinese kid asks his father.
"Dad,why do they say all
chinese people look alike?"
He replies,"I'm not your
dad."





"Went to a bird sanctuary
with Quentin Crisp the
other day,he's not into
birds but I managed to
get him to come along
because I said he'd be
able to see a cockatoo,
Oooohhhhhhh."





I remember arguing with
my friend John Bobbitt over
the size of our houses
."I have a semi,"
I said to him.
"Well I've got a Detached."
He retorted.





Lines from my Grandmother
which I can never forget.
"Sometimes,when I'm too
lazy to moisturise,I just
stick a finger in my fanny
and use it like Olay Day
Cream."





My dad always said: "When
one door closes another
one opens."
Come to think of it,he was
a shit carpenter.





A good relationship is all
about give and take.
I take their virginity and
give them the Clap.




People these days like to
think they are so much
more moral than historical
figures.But can any of
these so called 'social
justice warriors' match
Thomas Jefferson?
He was known to have
smashed many a slave
ring in his time.





My wife said she knew
"just what I liked" and
promised me hours of
orgasmic fun on my
birthday,and did she ever
come through!
The big wonderful bitch
actually bought me a large
spool of bubble wrap.




Definition of a backward compliment.
Your wife telling you,
"Nobody makes love to
me the way you do."





Did you know that if you
put your left sock on your
right foot it's a sign of
good fortune.
But only if you do it
accidentally.





Why do Muslims always
win races?
Because they fast.





Sex is a lot like clicking
your pen: it's fine when
you do it,but it's not
something someone else
wants to hear.





My friend Jennifer,said
she played a poker game
where the prize was a
Gucci handbag.
"Genuine?" I asked.
She said,"No,second
place unfortunately."





If the wife asks,I was up
at the crack of dawn.
If Dawn asks,don't tell
her I'm married.





I'm not saying my wife's
thick.
But she thinks a light
saber is a tiny striped cat
with big teeth.





As you get older,things
become harder and harder
every day...Except your
cock.





I had Gucci tattooed on
my ball sack.
Just incase the missus
starts mithering for a
designer bag again

[Bikkie]

New York's 4.8 magnitude earthquake causes Facebook to crash, with people marking themselves as 'safe'.



The Grand old Duke of York
He doesn't twist on sixteen
Likes to play it nice and safe
Just like his friend Epstein
He likes to call out stick
Doesn't even sweat when
The dealer pulls out of the deck a handsome five card trick




The Grand old Duke of York
His oldest ones are fifteen
At their next birthday
He gets a fresh one from Ghislaine
And once they are humped, they are dumped
He bumps them after they are pumped
Pushes them down the Palace steps to avoid any maintenance slumps



The Grand old Duke of York
Sought them out at fourteen
The called him Randy Andy
For the holes he found himself in
And when Beatrice introduced him to a new friend
He'd perk himself up no end
Ask his friend Epstein for an island he could lend



The Grand old Duke of York
He grooms them at thirteen
He loves to bash one out
All over Charlie's laptop screen
He doesn't even rinse
The semen of the prince
From the keys where later
The king will lay his fingerprints





The Grand old Duke of York
His favourite ones are twelve
He doesn't get a sweaty patch
When he is pleasuring himself
And when he is done he cleans the mess
Whilst in a state of undress
With one of his stash of napkins pilfered from Pizza Express



The Grand old Duke of York
His girlfriends only eleven
He had to pay her sister off
When his mummy went to heaven
And when she was dead he used her bed
And when she was alive he would thrive
Had underage sex with many girls too young to be his wife




The Grand old Duke of York
He had a problem when
His latest girlfriend said they slept together
When she was only ten
And when he was up he was up
But when he was hot he didn't sweat
And when he was only half way up
The blue pill hadn't kicked in yet.



With Wembley stadium holding up tp 90.000 people,22 women on the pitch and other ancillary team assistants,who the fuck is making dinner?



I witnessed an African-American woman try to leave the gym via the reception turnstile earlier today, but she was swiping the wrong side of her card so it wouldn't let her through. I smiled and calmly said to her, "black strip down."

I didn't expect her to get naked




The new Juliet starring alongside Tom Holland as Romeo is being described as unattractive,, I'd say she's more ?Thugly.




The correct spelling for women in the 17th century was woemen.





Little miss scouse gets home from school,

"Mummy mummy, I've been chosen to play Mary in the school nativity play. "

"Wow darling that's brilliant. "

"Yes mummy, I'll be just like you, pregnant without a fucking clue who the father is. "




And when they were up, they were up,
And when they were down, they were down.

I'm no expert but it sounds like the Grand Old Duke of York's men were probably bi-polar.


Getting head from those Siamese twins would be interesting. Who said you can't spit and swallow at the same time.


How do you know when a black woman is pregnant?.?

When she pulls out her tampon the cottons already been picked


A soldier renting my house has done a runner, owing me six months rent!

He told me he was a general, I've since discovered he was a left tenant.





Does anyone else think the producers of Coronation Street have missed a trick?
How about a pay to view episode where naughty Daisy gets her arse spanked purple and all the blokes queue up to fuck her?
I'm still waiting for a reply from ITV.....




Gayness.

It's been around since time immoral.



Well done Sharon Davies for having the balls to call out transgenders stealing women's medals.



Morning Wood.
-----------------
So when you're old and knackered and getting on a bit
And things things don't work quite as well
So imagine the delight this morning when I awoke
When my man thing had a very large swell

"Quick, I said," have a look at this
I said to my missus with a smile
She grinned with a glint in her eye and said
"Well yes, it has been quite a while"

So we heaved and we grunted and gave it a go
And it all came flooding back
When bugger me my back creaked and did pop
And my mind went completely off track

Well she started to laugh at the state I was in
And decided she would get on top
It'd been many a year and she wasn't quite slim
When my knee did twist and lock

Well she grunted and heaved as her body did weave
While I was pinned to the bed like a rock
I heard a long lost cry of, "Oh God Oh my"
As she jumped up and down on my cock

She finished the deed with a glow on her face
As I lay there not quite yet done
"OK" she said, "it's hand and knees
"Now it's your turn for some fun"

Now my knee wouldn't play as I tried to get up
And I'd forgotten I wasn't twenty one
I fell on the floor and banged my head on the door
She couldn't stop laughing at what I'd done

Now I thought to myself with out any doubt
Should I awake with an erection again
I'm not saying nowt, and I'll give it a clout
Just like I should've done then.




I can never understand why ginger blokes grow beards. I mean, if you've got ginger hair, why grow more of it?



EASTER EGG HUNT
Take the first letter of the answers to the following questions to find out where your Easter egg is...

1. New Delhi is the capital of which country?
2. Which U.S. city is known as The Big Apple?
3. Bangkok is the capital of which country?
4. Legendary Greek warrior known for his strength?
5. Oscar Wilde play The Importance of Being _______?
6. Mayor of London's first name?
7. King shot in the eye at the Battle of Hastings?
8. Capital of Burkina Faso?
9. First name of actor Newman in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid?

(Yes, you can use Google)




It must be Easter Monday.

The wife's just looked at my cock under the quilt and said, "Christ, it's risen."




As a kid, Arnold Schwarzenegger never got to celebrate Easter the way other kids did.

After he was married, his new wife, having been told that fact by him, was surprised that he still liked that holiday.

When she asked, he replied, "I still love Eastah, baby."

[Bikkie]

Chester Zoo have recently bought four macaws.

I didn't know that McDonalds did prostitutes.




Is Choo Choo Shania Twains sister?




In a head-on smash between a BMW and an Audi, who wins?

Everyone.


A mate of mine has a t-shirt with ‘FBI’ on it, standing for ‘Female Body Inspector.’ People treat him like a clown because of it, but the joke’s on them - He works in a morgue.




I'm not racist, but my dick wears a hood.



"...Meghan's Decision Leaves Harry With 'Sleepless Nights'"

I thought that was why he married her.





Nah, she's a bit overweight, not my type.
Nah, she's got a bit of the old tar brush in her, not my type.
Nah, she looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp, not my type.
Nah, she's got no tits, not my type.
Nah, she's probably a lesbo, not my type
Nah, she's drinking like fuck, not my type.
Nah, she's a single mum, not my type.
Wow, she's got massive tits and is classy as fuck, "Hello love, can I get you a drink?"

"Sorry, I've been listening to you with your mate, you're arrogant, sexist, racist, homophobic, cruel and unkind to most women,

sorry mate, you're not my type.




A blonde is in a swimming competition.

She comes in dead last in the 100m breast stroke. After she climbs out of the pool, she walks over to the referee.

"I don't want to sound like a sore loser," she says, "but I think the other swimmers were using their arms."




Russ Cook from West Sussex, has ran 360 marathons in 240 days across Africa.

And the natives whinge about having to walk a mile to get a bucket of water.

Lazy cunts.




I'm pleased I did a full "Russell Crowe" on my girlfriend last night.

Glad I ate her.



My wife arrived back from her driving test.

"So," I asked excitedly, "how did you get on?"

"Not good," she replied. "He failed me."

"Oh dear!" I said sympathetically. "It can't be that bad; what did he pull you up on?"

"A rope," she replied. "The car's still in the river."



Had sex with a vegan prostitute last night

" I bet that's the best non plant based meat you've had inside your gash" I bragged to her



Some animals can survive 2 years without eating

Some Americans can survive 2 minutes without eating.




Turkish baths?
That's a contradiction in terms.....





A Muslim cleric once stated that women shouldn't be allowed to watch men's football games.


Y'know, just sometimes they get it fucking spot on.


T'was the day of the maths lesson, and the teacher asked "Right children, what comes after 69?"
Little Johnnies hand shot up "Mouthwash, Miss"
Teacher "Get out!"

[Bikkie]

No-J simpson





Who'd have thought that OJ Simpson would get back together with his ex-wife after 30 years?



Looks like I need to change my breakfast plans for tomorrow as there is no more OJ.



OJ’s funeral procession should be the California Highway Patrol chasing his hearse.




Thank God it wasn't Homer




As chairman of the Blind Society, I was accused of needlessly wasting money.

So I arranged a big fireworks display to cheer everyone up.



We have decided to become a they.
So from now on you better call all of us they or we'll get offended.

P.S can my digital TV be non binary like it claims it is?




I recently read that when performing oral on a woman, you should write the alphabet on her clit

It was going pretty well until my felt tip ran out



If you had to sleep in the middle of a beautiful woman and a gay man, who do you turn your back to?





"Girls who want boys
Who like boys to be girls
Who do boys like they're girls
Who do girls like they're boys"


That's the last time I discuss transgender issues with Rosie Jones

[Bikkie]

Being expected to earn the main wage, keep the house clean, look after the kids, do washing, ironing, cooking, DIY around the house, fix the car AND somehow find time to keep in shape is a very tall order indeed

I've no idea how my wife pulls it off



Minute's silence observed in Liverpool to mark Hillsborough anniversary.

They almost got to 10 seconds before a car alarm went off.



Never trust hair dressers.

They are always talking behind your back.




The stranglers were originally an Ipswich group called The Suffolk Eight.




Marry wealthy celebrity. Tick.
Get nice new home. Tick.
Fuck hubby. Tick.
Have daughter. Tick.
Get career. Tick.
Divorce wealthy celebrity. Tick.
Keep nice new home. Tick.
Keep daughter. Tick.
Keep career. Tick.
Fuck hubby. Tick.

Bucket list of a wannabe comedienne.




Marcus Rashford has been playing for Man United this season

But we only have his word for that





Justine Trudau talked about "gay and trans rights" to the lovely Giorgia Meloni, and this conversation had her bored and disinterested with her vagina going dry as a board !!

In fairness, Justine has mostly only ever practiced his flirting game with men.





Religious types like to say that 'the most powerful position is on your knees'.

To be fair, that is where the phrase 'Oh Jesus, oh Jesus, oh Jesus' originated.



My Mum told me that she doesn’t want me to plaster my bedroom walls in posters of the Backstreet Boys.

But I want it that way






My wife insists I do her from behind. At least that way she can’t see me giving her the finger

Although I’m sure she can feel it




Whilst on holiday, my wife stripped down to her tighty-whities and asked if I "fancied a roll in the mud."

I came out of that feeling just like the pig-fucking hillbilly from "Deliverance"




If you're behind a funeral procession on a road and can't get past, are you allowed to undertake?





I've recently been diagnosed with having Coeliac Disease. The dietitian at the hospital told me to sign up to the Coeliac Society website for vital information on what's safe to eat and drink, and what to avoid. And I must say it's probably the worst website I've ever seen.

It keeps telling me to "accept cookies", but it doesn't fucking say if they're gluten free.




I burst into tears whilst cutting up an onion this morning. I imagine you would too if you’d been watching your wife suck off the milkman whilst you were doing it




Rumour has it Taylor Swift is endorsing Joe Biden.

Which makes a lot of sense because 90% of her songs are about choosing the wrong guy.



When I make a spliff they always come out perfect.

It's just how I roll.



Everyone saying we're on the brink of World War 3, is talking bollocks.

The French are nowhere near surrendering.

[Bikkie]

Venus Williams match against Trans woman cancelled .

I'm not playing a man !

Said the Trans woman.




Andrex advert: 47% of people are embarrassed to go to the toilet at work.
Presumably 53% don't give a shit.




Doctors treating Dyslexia have a new breakthrough, it's called Dailysex





My Dad always says "It's never too late to apologise".

Nice bloke and well respected by the other VAR officials.




I asked the man in the shop "Have you got any Bulldog clips?"

He replied "No, but I've got a nice video of a Jack Russell".




"Angela Rayner is "Toast"
And Meghan Markle is flogging jam for $30 a jar.

I think I'll fast for a day or two.





Who picks up guide dog shit?




Emile Cairess finishes third in the London Marathon behind Alexander Munyao and Kenenisa Bekele.

As improbable as a white man chasing two black guys through the streets of London.





For the last 3 days someone has been leaving lego blocks outside my front door....

I really don't know what to make of it....




At the London Marathon, (total distance 26 miles 385 yards), a 273-yard stretch of road is called Rainbow Row - dedicated to all the queers.

Seems a bit much.



Another London Marathon and discrimination comes to the fore again on the BBC.

They've shown a distinct lack of colour taking part and all the whites are chasing after the blacks.



Can't help thinking the Mirror headline "Tory MP's rent boy lover was in Britain illegally after being refused entry THREE TIMES" must be fake news.
Mark Menzies never refused a repeated entry.




You won't fucking believe this.
Am I seeing things?
I've just put the TV on and there are loads of black men running through London without a knife or handbag in sight.




There so much focus on the negative historical consequences of slavery but everyone conveniently ignores the long term benefits.

Take a look at the elite men’s category of the London Marathon.

A bunch of skinny black dudes being chased across London by a load of slower white men. When do we get our reparations for that?




When I first started learning to tattoo, I decided to tattoo myself first. Nothing extravagant to begin with, I just did a little number two.

I couldn’t help it, I was nervous and it really hurt.



I've decided to pimp out a couple of residents from the local covent


My pro nuns are Sister Mary / Sister Margaret



Robocop Directives

1987:

1) Serve the public trust
2) Protect the innocent
3) Uphold the law

2024:

1) Chase down 'offensive' Tweets




I know how to make a redhead scream all night.

I keep smacking her sunburn.



The twang of an elasticated suspender belt as she adjusts the height of her seamed silk stockings is a favourite sound to any heterosexual man in the bedroom.

For Wayne Rooney however, it’s the clunk of a pair of dentures as they hit the bottom of a glass of Sterident on the bedside table.




I don't understand why doctors keep demanding fair wages.

I've never seen a guy in a lab coat running dodgems or selling candy floss.




If life gives you Dyslexia.
Make Lyxsilade




My Dad reckons that people with body modifications are mentally ill, crying out for help, but never truly want to listen

Something like that anyway. Those tattoo guns are fucking LOUD


Someone told me I was bigoted.

I said thank you, but it's spelt R-A-T-I-O-N-A-L.





I've just won the 'most secretive person' award.


I can't tell you how much it means to me.


For all the rich cunts out there:

It's money, not mummy.



Just met a woke Persian.

His pronouns were xer/xes




I identify as Chinese and my pronouns are ching/chong.




Teaching European history to Chinese students isn't easy.

I started with Rollo and they all thought I was talking about an old Liverpool player.




Whenever Donald Trump's in town, someone always ends up getting burned.




I Bought 4 hot drinks going into work this morning, I dropped the coffee, dropped the hot chocolate and dropped the cappuccino! That’s me down to a Tea!




We're men. We grow old, not up.




A recent survey of Londoners asked whether there was any communication barriers given London's multicultural population. Two people complained the question was racist, whilst another 64,798 didn't understand English.




I've bought an instant digital language translator.

Perfect for my trip to London.




Music Trivia No 32-
ABBAs original title for'Dancing Queen' was,'Phwoar, Your Disco Fanny Stinks Love'..,but this was rejected by their record company for being too long.




Donald Trump is a poor person's idea of what a rich person looks like.



My girlfriend said, "When you ask me to marry you, you'd better have bought two carats."

I've just gone and got a whole bag from New World.

Wish me luck.

[Bikkie]

Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.....




What do you call an Irishman in a shampoo advert?

Tim O’Tay





In 3,026 years, life will either be really good or really bad.

It's 5050.




The Household Cavalry horses are being transferred to the Royal Engineers as they are so good at making a bolt.




I hope the injured horses running through London yesterday are now in a stable condition.




I won't need to advertise my new lip reading business.
It's all word of mouth...





A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walked into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.


I said to my girlfriend, "Do you want to see me pull a really ugly face?"

She laughed and said, "Go on then".

So I grabbed hers.




"Another disjointed performance by an impotent disappointment."

Liverpool FC are pretty similar to my cock.




My mate just rang me and asked..."What do you know about, Shetland Ponies".

I replied..."Very little".




Daily Mail headline today

Masturbation might cut the risk of prostrate cancer claims expert and more is better.

Okay guys, off you go to the doctors,.
Get a prescription for 28 days treatment.
Now go visit a nurse of your choice.

Sorted





"Horses on the loose in Central London"


Nice to see Camilla & Anne get off their arses for once and do something



I told my fiance, "In a relationship, two incomes are better than one to ensure happiness."

"So," I said, "you need to find a second job."



My new girlfriend works in a fish market and has a very strong accent. Anyway, she refused to partake in sex with me recently because she has a "haddock".



Look out for the revamped musical, Black Annie.

And the smash hit song, It's The Hard-Lock Knife.




Walked in my bedroom just now and caught my girlfriend, legs apart jilling off.

Bloody hell, I now know where the expression " Beating around the bush" comes from.




Which ethnic group starts smoking at the earliest age?

Gingers. They start smoking as soon as they go out in the sun.



I was getting a lot of grief from my kids about political correctness. They hated it whenever I told them I was off to the 'Paki shop', they insisted that I stop and, for the sake of a quiet life, I agreed.

Anyway, can I get anyone anything? I'm just nipping down to the newsasians.



How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?
Who wants to know?



I can't believe I met a gay today who wasn't full of himself.

Just some other bloke.



Mum tells you not to get tattoos because they're "expensive and permament".

Mum also insists you get married and have children.


July is the best month because it sounds pretty close to jew-lie, and is therefore more honest than any other month.



Just been watching that video on social media of the story of Joey, an albino brown bear with white fur.

When environmentalists found Joey in the Canadian forest where he lived, they thought he was a wandering polar bear and had him tranquilised and sent 'home' to the Arctic, where he suffered terribly in the freezing conditions.

When they realised their mistake they brought him home, and dyed his fur brown.

Unfortunately, someone reported seeing a 'dirty' polar bear in the forest, and he was captured again, this time being taken to a zoo and put in the polar bear enclosure.

When the other polar bears realised he wasn't one of their kind, they attacked and badly injured him.

The vet treating his injuries realised he was actually an albino brown bear, and so after he recovered they had him transferred to the brown bear enclosure.

Where the other bears stabbed him and nicked his wallet.



Just bought a pond full of carp from eBay for £100.
What a load of shit.
Turns out the seller was dyslexic....





Everyone at my Scrabble club is transphobic! They wouldn't let me play "xyr"!





Those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane...?
What the fuck were they so excited about?




I got the wrong end of the stick when my 67 year old neighbour Margaret said she ‘needed some sugar in a hurry’

Turns out all she wanted was a cup of sugar




lets see, would i rather subject myself to watching the new dr who or looking at diane abbots fanny? tough call



My surname is Goodyear and, in an astonishing twist of coincidence, I started dating a certain Ms Dunlop.

We were due to get married but, sadly, at the last minute she let me down.




A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you can ever hear.

Unless it's 3am.
And you're home alone.
And you don't have a baby.



It's good having a doctor for a best friend. It has made it much easier for me to claim benefits for three kids who don't exist.



I was making my own Vietnamese rolls at a table in a restaurant when I heard:

"Fuck yo nigga, cause yo nigga ain't me,
Ole broke ass nigga ain't none like me"

So I called over the waitress and said to her:

'I think there is a mistake with the order.
Instead of giving me rice paper, you've given me wrapping paper."

[Bikkie]

What do you call a coon
who works in a call centre?
A who-rang-utang.





I think my dyslexic mate should get a different job. He works at the local mental hospital and he was telling me about this patient who just stares into space in silence all day

"Catatonic?" - I said

"Oh lovely" - he replied - "Ice & lemon please"





Seeing an albino black
person must feel the
same as tackling a crossword
puzzle using words with 3
letters or more,to a racist.
Cue mindless incoherent
abuse responses with no
substance lol



My doctor said to me "Your body isn't producing any magnesium'
I replied "0mg!"







What do cotton and
pockets have in common?
They are both picked by
niggers.


If I had a pound for every time Mrs Browns boys was on, I might actually watch it.







If drugs were legalised
then BLM would complain
that their communties have
lost their income.



Kevin Bacon has announced that he no longer eats bacon. So what? Similar happened 30 years ago with Clarissa Dick.







What does a black woman
use to apply lipstick?
A paintbrush.



Has anyone noticed in the BBC football match hierarchy listings that the women's football always comes above league one?

Give the antI men and woke BBC some credit chaps, it's quite nice to have a woman on top.






I was undergoing diversity
training and was asked to
name 2 words with racial
connatations.
"Knife amnesty"
Got me kicked off the
course.




To those planning on having no kids, look on the bright side:

At least you'll have a lot of money for the government to steal when you die lonely and forgotten!






"You're racist."

"It's a shame you don't
understand the difference
between discrimination,
inequality,xenophobia,
racism,suppression,
bigotry and humour."

"Do you have any black
friends?"

"Fuck no,I like me
belongings."




Donald Trump has finally reached that age where his Pecker starts letting him down.






Everyone talks about
white priivilege,but black
people can say every word
in the English lanuage
plus one.


I've been urged to change the slogan of the construction firm I recently founded. Something other than "We specialise in quick erections."








What do you call a bunch
of black people hanging
from a tree?
Alabama wind chime.



I've just seen an elderly Muslim woman wearing a sheepskin burkha.

She looked like mutton dressed Islam.

[Bikkie]

A recent study found that
people who take their
coffee black are more
likely to exhibit psychotic
traits.
And people who order a
quad shot,non fat,vanilla
soy,extra foam,light whip
with caramel drizzle are
more likely to be their
victims....





My daughter's got a new
black boyfriend that she
chats to on the phone all
night whilst the wife and
I take care of the mixed-race
kids she's already had.
I asked her new black
boyfriend,"What the heck
are you two talking about
so much....plotting ways
to collect more state'benefits?"
"No,with us dats just
instintive."





Did you know that the
phrase " playing the field"
originated in wales?





Most women are "b".
The trick is to work out if
that ends with "sexual"
or "polar" before you ask
them out.





A study shows men
addicted to online porn
suffer short-term memory
loss.
In addition,a study shows
men addicted to online
porn suffer short-term
memory loss.






My wife asked me if I
touch myself when I think
about her.
I said,"often."
"Why," she asked
"I touch my temple
because you give me a
fucking migraine!" I said.





The best part of having
a prostitute die on you is
that the second hour is
free.





There's love without sex
and there's sex without
love.
Then there's you without
both.
Don't know that? I'm
married.





I've just found
out that this emoji:laugh: is a
laughing face.
For years,I thought it was,
"fancy a chinese tonight?"





I've realised that there are
two very important rules
to being successful.
I never let them know
everything you know.





I've had a lot of days off
work recently because
of that fake virus,so I've
being doing zoom group
lessons of this Israeli,self-
defence/martial-arts.
Don't know why they get
so mad though when I
jokingly call it Jewjitsu.





The lady who was
interviewing me for a
job said,"I've got two
openings."
The reply "There's 3 if you
are brave enough" wasn't was
she was expecting.





Wayne Rooney is paying
the bill at his local Indian
restaurant.
The waiter says to him
"So sorry sir,we've
charged you twice for your
naan"
He says,"That's quite alright-let
her keep it as a tip."





I walked into a posh
restaurant last night and
said,"Where's your bog
mate?"
"Just over there on the
left," he replied,"Are you
going to eat?"
I said,"No,I'm going to
shit."





Experience what 10 years
of marriage feels like
by telling a deaf person
about your day as they
scroll through facebook
on their phone.





I wanted a raise at
work so I was reading
negotiation strategies and
it said: "Make the people
across the table feel
uncomfortable."
Unfortunately they said I
"did far more harm than
good" with my best nigger
and faggot jokes.





On a gay stag do,they
all secretly wish for a fat
stripper.
They love to go on a
massive bender.





The wife said,"I want to
be stinking rich."
I replied,"Just the rich bit
to go then."





Jamaican lad has just
passed his driving test so
his dad takes him to the
local car dealership'
"Farder," he says,"I a-want
a Japanese car."
"Datsun?"
"No dat one over dere."





Kenny Loggins took five
grams of coke to go
down on Katie Price.
He took the high way to
the danger zone.





I told my mate that I got
kicked in the bollocks by a
bird in a park in Chiswick
the other day.
"Turnham Green?" he asked
"No" I replied,"they've
gone purple."





Have you ever tried
archery blindfolded?
You don't know what
you're missing.





I don't have a very taxing
job.
I'm an accountant for
Starbucks.





The black guy next door
reversed into me so I
really went to town on
him.
He gets there quicker than
the bus if you whip him
hard enough.





When girls say: "All guys
ever want from me is sex"
Tell them:
You have no hobbies,
no talents,no wisdom,
no legitimate interests
beyond your personal
vanity,no original
thoughts on politics,
society,philosophy,or
anything else,All you
talk about is random
celebrity dudes you have
crushes on,your exes,and
other shit that revolves
around men or getting
a man while sharing the
most generic memes
imaginable.What else is
there to want from such
a vapid shell of a person?
Your only redeeming
quality is that you can lay
still and take a dick!





What do you call a
chinese bell-ringer?
Ding Ling.

[Bikkie]

I walked into a furniture shop and said to the assistant, " Any chance of a cash discount on that bed?"

"I'll have to sleep on it," he replied.




I remember having a 69 at my local snooker club.

Which is why me and my girlfriend are banned.




A cry bully is a feminist who punches a man in the face then curses him for bruising her knuckles.





"Black youths being pushed away from arts, says Britain’s first black ballerina"

Nonsense, they just find it more profitable to mug old ladies and sell ganja than to dance for a living.




Women footballers "six times more likely to pick up a muscle injury in the days leading up to their period".
-BBC

What injuries would be suffered by members of the team they are playing against?




All of this lgbtq+ shit has got me confused. Then I realised I could never be gay. To be gay means I'd have to fuck a man... and I could never fuck something I respect !




When my wife accidentally superglued her eyes shut due to the glue being next to her eye drops, I did what any concerned husband would do and acted fast

I placed the tube beside her toothpaste




Waiter: "Are you ready to order, sir?"
Man: " Yes ill have the beef, my wife's just at the toilet"
Waiter: "And what will your wife be having?"
Man: "Well she's been gone fifteen minutes so I'm guessing she's having a shit"




think of nickelodeon as a church.

the good outweighs the bad



My Wife says that I never solve my own problems.
How do I prove her wrong ?




Prosecco.

For women.

And men who don't like women.




Harvey Price sings the classics

Side 1

1. Hello (You Cunt) - Lionel Richie
2. When I'm Licking Windows - George Formby
3. Crayon (Over You) - Roy Orbison
4. Spazman - Babylon Zoo
5. Eating The Floor - Judas Priest


Feel free to complete Side 2 ...




Two men have been arrested and charged over the felling of the 200-year-old Sycamore Gap Tree old tree and damage part of Hadrian’s Wall.

Must of been the Special Branch



A policeman pulled me over on the motorway. He came to the window and said, "Papers".

I replied, "Scissors, I win" and drove off.

He must want a rematch, he's been chasing me for miles now.



"Gays for Palestine".
Or as I call it, "How to get stoned for free".



When my 94 year old granddad was put into a home, it was good to see he still had his flirting game on at least.

He approached this other old lady and said, "I'd love to get into your pants, because I just shat in mine."



'Traffic jams' in the hearts of galaxies can force black holes to collide-'
"This is old news, how do u think we came up with the plot line for 'gay niggers from outer space?!" The black scientist told the delegation-




Israel should be banned from Eurovision.

Nobody wants to hear 'Boom bang a bang' every bleedin' year.




I bought a book called "50 things to do with a cucumber"

It's 51 if you eat it.




I unintentionally erased the manuscript of my book '1000 Ways to Cure an Itch'

It looks like I'll have to start from scratch.




You're not born gay.
You get sucked into it.



The new superman will be black

Makes sense the man of steal




‘Better out than in’ my dad used to say.

Great father, terrible heart surgeon.



I lost my job as a babysitter.

Apparently the job title isn't to be taken literally.




"Meghan's CRAZY Nigeria Plans"

In the land of the black, the half-white woman is queen.



Why does the King never lick out his wife?


Because it's frowned upon in this country to eat horse



What do you call a black woman with three cunts?


M People



I can tell if a girl has a good sense of humour, just by feeling her breasts.





My daughter told me how her new black boyfriend got into Oxford.

It all went south after he tripped an alarm burgling the antiquities wing.



"Michael Moore Was Almost Shot By The IDF"

They need more practice if they can't hit a fat cunt like that.



Who remembers the Test Card on the telly?.

Or as it's known nowadays, the Women's Football Show.



Ncuti Gatwa the latest Doctor Who, says he wants a scene where he destroys a monster by twerking.

Well it wouldn't be by working, would it.



Taylor Swift really is a clever artist. For example, the song 'We Are Never Getting Back Together'

Who else would think to write a song from the perspective of her knees?




The actor Hugh Jackman has divorced his wife of 27 years, amid rumours he is in a gay relationship.

Hugh Jacks Man.





The wife said last night, "Can we do some role play?"

I said, "Yeah. What do you suggest?"

She said, "Fireman to the rescue."

I wish she'd hurry the fuck up, I've been stuck up this tree dressed as a cat for twelve hours now.





I think my dyslexic mate should get a different job. He works at the local mental hospital and he was telling me about this patient who just stares into space in silence all day

"Catatonic?" - I said

"Oh lovely" - he replied - "Ice & lemon please"




"When Philadelphia was coined the city of brotherly love", I don't think Cain and Abel were the brothers they were referring to" - Matt Gaetz, May 3, 2024.

[Bikkie]

3 girls are walking home with there mum one day when the eldest turns round and says "mum, why did you name me Rose"?

Her mum replies, "well when we left the hospital a rose petal landed on your head so we decided Rose would be a perfect name."

A little while later the middle child says "Mum, why did you name me Daisy?"

Her mum replies, "well when we left the hospital a Daisy was blowing in the wind and landed on your head so we decided Daisy would be a perfect name."

A short while later the third child called breeze block says "hsydgshjwhdjahduwj"





I once took the bus and in the back there was this black lady glaring at me with the glare of death.

"Right, I forgot how much your sort fucking HATES sitting back here."




"Repair shops' Jay Blades splits with wife after just a year"

He couldn't fix that then.




I once saw an Ozzie Osborne gig at the Cambridge Corn Exchange.

I distinctly remember the smell of lager, stale sweat and marijuana.

Then thankfully we arrived at the venue and the wife got out of the car.




Took my wife for her first ever golf lesson today. Spent the first half of the day in the bunkers and the water...

Second half of the day, I drove the buggy!




Kim Jong Un selects 25 virgin girls every year to serve him in his Pleasure Squad.

He must thank fuck he doesn't run Liverpool.



When I was in America I thought it would be a good idea to go rock climbing.

However, Dwayne just told me to fuck off.



A hunter is walking through the jungle and sees a pygmy stood by the corpse of an elephant.
He says "who killed that?"
The pygmy said "I did" the hunter said "what with?"
The pygmy said "a club"
The hunter said "that's impossible!"
The pygmy said, not really, all the club members stand on each others
shoulders and whack it"

If its a dupe it's a shit one.

I'll get my pith helmet.........



Burglars shot by farmer in Derbyshire.

The farmer would like to reassure the police that lessons have been learned.



People often say you never know what's round the corner.

I do, it's where those smelly fucking Paki's live.



I've opened a club for people with unsightly ulcers, abcesses and sores.

It's called the British Lesion.

[Bikkie]

I was telling a female
colleague that my
nickname for the Missus is
'Jelly Bean'
She said,'Aw,that's cute,how
did that come about?'
You should've seen the look
on her face when I replied,
'Because every time we shag
she smears lots of KY onto
her clit.'



My wife and I once
unbelievably had a
massive row at this
exhibit where we were
doing a simulation of
'What it's like to travel in
outer space!'
I could only sigh,'So
much for the sea of
Tranqulity.'



Sarcastic? Me?
Yeah right.



As I sat down to dinner
with my wife I said,"Have
I ever told you what a
fantastic cook you are?"
"No",she replied.
"There's a good reason for
that," I replied.



I went to look at toys for
my young son and bought
him this plastic battery
operated Jeep for $4oo.
My daughter ruined the
day when she said,"Dad
this is what you'll be
driving too,once we do
what we "have to do" to
fight climate change."



I pulled a prank on the
postman recently,before
his due arrival.I glued the
flap shut on the letter box
so he could not open it...
He got his own back on
me though....he made sure
my wife keeps her flaps
closed on me.

[Bikkie]

My kid asked me what
'perpetuate' means.
I said that's how a chinese
restaurant itemises the
bill.





Riesling...Chardonnay...Merlot...
Cabernet...Pinot noir...
Sorry,I don't know why I'm so whiny
this morning.





I offered my girlfriend
noodles after sex.
So everything is two
minutes her" she replied.





Having the best stamp
collection in the world,
I've received much praise
and admiration,as well
as private invitations to
the most prestigius
functions,parties and
hotels all over the globe.
My dad always said
philately would get me
everywhere.





I asked the librarian if she
could tell me where the
books on the Clitoris were.
She said "They're in the "V"
section,hidden behind a
pair of curtains."





"...I've had a vasectomy
which,by the way doesn't
work.
It just changes the colour
of your kids."





The doctor looked at
me and said,"Do you
realise the damage
your excessive alcohol
consumption has done to
your liver? You seriously
need to give up soon
as possible."
"Fuck off doc," I replied
"You always say that when
it's your round."





Hold it firmly in your hand
put it in your mouth,lick it,
straighten it and put it in
the hole.
It's time to sew the labels
in the kids shirts again.





I was getting on really well
with a girl I met at a party.
We seemed to have loads
in common and before
long we were kissing.
Things progressed pretty
quickly and I started to
put my hand down her
knickers when she pulled
away and said,"Do you
want to go somewher
more private?"
Kinky bitch,I thought,as I
pushed two fingers up her
arse.





Local residents were
impressed after I
volunteered to be a
Marshal and help out with
the covid vaccination
programme.
However they were
less impressed when
I turned up for my first
shift on my trusty steed
wearing leather chaps
and waistcoat,snakeskin
boots,a stetson,a big
fuck off shiny Tombstone
star badge and shot 6
holes in the village hall
ceiling with my colt 45
and shouted,"Who wants
to be my deputy?"





"You cheating bastard."
Yelled the female praying
mantis when her husband
came home headless.





I used to live across the
street from a chinese man
that would walk around
with blinds down and no
pants on.
Dang Ling.






What do you call a
chinese bird who's just
had a face lift?
Niu Chin.





In a new interview, Taylor Swift says,

"I never chase boys.

"Taylor Swift went on to say,

"Once they escape from the compound, they're free to leave."




My grandmother needs protein supplements, so I suggested she suck eggs.




The cost of living has gotten so bad I've resorted to making "specialist" videos to survive.

How specialist? Well let's just say it's not eggs I'm teaching grandmothers how to suck





Blacksmiths

Morrissey's least favourite tribute band




What's the difference between Kevin Magnusson and Alex Fergusson?

Alex Fergusson was only ever awarded 4 penalties in any one weekend.




What's the difference between May and June?


One swipe of Wayne Rooney's Tinder





In the 90’s shouting to a bird get your tits out would have been met with a cheeky smile and the odd flash.

In 2024 it’d be met with flashing lights and 6 months banged up.






Apparently they’ve chosen “Bird Flu”’as the next pandemic?

I don’t know about you lads but could be a good thing?





What do nudists wipe their glasses on......?




My boss said I was the most unsuccessful employee the company has ever had.

Which makes me the most successful employee.





Pubs in Glasgow are like Dairy Milk chocolate.

There's always a glass and a half in everyone.



What's a Chinese pianist's favourite yellow flower?

Ylang ylang.



What a momentous day, I'm so proud. My daughter came running in and said, " Daddy daddy I've done my first Spurs on the toilet! "



What did Martin Bryant call gay people?
Alphabet soup






I was desperate for a shit so I ran into a nearby café, found the first vacant stall, pulled down my trousers and let 'er rip. On the way out I was confronted by a customer who said,
"Excuse me, isn't that the disabled toilet?"
"Nothing a plunger won't fix!" I replied.



"Harry And Meghan Added To The Queen's Declining Health"

I can't say I'm surprised, everybody else is sick of them too.




My girlfriend says she wants me to be more hands-on.

Well, since she's giving me a lapdance, I won't complain.





Jews believe they can sin all year, then transfer their sins to a chicken, and kill the chicken to absolve themselves.

Fair enough, but what if your only sin was choking the chicken?





What's the difference between a pub and Katie Price's legs?

A pub eventually closes at night.



If cinderella's shoes fit so
perfectly,why did it fall off
in the first place?





What do you call a
chinese bird who's just
had a face lift?
Niu chin.





Having tried many
different diets all to
no avail,my doctor
suggested maybe I should
try eating in front of a
mirror naked.
Anyway I'm now banned
from McDonald's





As I got out on the 11th
floor,the lift operator said,
"Have a good day son"
"Don't call me son,you
are not my dad," I replied
sarcastically.
As the doors closed,he
looked me in the eye and
said,"No,but I brought you
up,didn't I?"





I watched the old
horror film Carrie on
netflix last night,loved
the scene where she
kills everyone using her
telekinisis and burns down
the gymnasium.
Mind you with behavior
like that it's no wonder
Cliff Richard booted her
out.





My girlfriend and I decided
to make a sex video.
It's called "The fast and
the furious."





My wife kicked me out
because of my obsession
with poker.I'm sure she's
gonna miss me though
now she hasn't got a full
house.





What does the expression
"Gone with the wind" really
mean?
Just something I've been
wondering for the past
hour or so,ever since
those people shoved me
out of that lift because of
my massive fart.





The hairs on my neck
stood up when the
girlfriend whispered in my
ear,"I found the 10mm
socket."
A lot of girls have said this
to me.
I know they all meant for
my tool.





Scientists have been
studing the habanero
pepper for years,and
found that they lie on the
100,000-350, scoville
range.
Surprisingly,this is only
one 10th as spicy as the
contents of an Indian
latrine.





A new study says men's
brains order the body to
fall asleep after sex.
Still no word on what
makes women fall asleep
during sex...





A new study claims that
women are healthier
without their bras.
The announcement was
made by 3 men trying to
keeo a straight face...





Have you noticed Drivers
of hearses never overtake.
In fact they do quite the
opposite!!!!




You remind me of a lock
down meal deal.
You look good enough to
eat out.





The wife asked why I
never say I love her.
I can't win,only last week
she told me to stop lying.





A quick Google shows that
the works of shakespeare
has been translated into
100 lanuages.Does
anyone know if English is
one of them?





I bought my new wife a
full set cookery DVD,
for her birthday to help her
learn to cook properly.
A month later she bought
me a porn DVD for my
birthday.





A cannibal gets back from
hs holiday in Hiroshima
in nineteen forty five,his
wife rushed to greet him.
"So glad you're back,how
was your holiday?"
"Fucking hot," he replied,
"and that mircowaved
food is shit."





Why don't people who
cook using a slow cooker
just use their normal
cooked and turn it down a
bit?





I used to believe the
conspiracy theories about
the covid vaccine,but
then somrthing happened
that instantly changed my
mind.
I had quick glance at the
people saying it.





Why are fast food adverts
like assault rifles?
They're often aimed at
children.





The man who made
marriage work was Henry
the VIII





Jokes about cocaine are
rarely one-liners.





My mate phoned and
asked if I want anything
brought back from Kuwait.
I said it wasn't my
favourite petrol station but
a Mars bar and 10 litres of
diesel would be fine.





In a desperate bid to find
work,any work,Minnie
Driver has emigrated to
the UK and changed her
name from Minnie to Lorry.

[Bikkie]

Paddy goes into a butchers and orders 2 pound of sausages.

Butchers says, "Sorry Paddy, but we only sell kilos now. "

Paddy says, "That's fine. Give me a pound of kilos."





In a pub, I asked two women if they were sisters.

The younger one said, "I am but my nan here's an orphan spinster without siblings."

Long story short, nan can suck a bowling ball through a warren with her teeth out.






According to the BBC, the 2024 UK Eurovision performance “transports viewers into a post-apocalyptic dystopian boxing gym locker room, aboard a spaceship hurtling toward Earth through a black hole in 1985!”

I feel such a fool now. I thought it was just a bad performance by four shit dancers and a singer that likes bum.




J. Cole touches your heart,
Kendrick Lamar tounches your soul,
Drake touches your kids.





Meghan and Harry take Nigeria by storm and the duchess tells schoolgirls, 'I see myself in all of you'.

A polite way of introducing the 'StrapOn'.





"Prince Harry, what do you think of this Nigeria?"

"Excuse me, that's my wife you're talking about."





Hailey and Justin Bieber announce pregnancy.

But they haven't said which one.



The Irish call their 2024 Eurovision entrant, Bambie Tug.

I thought this was a sex offence.





Vladimir Putin has promised to end the war in Ukraine, if Europe promises to end the Eurovision Song Contest.



Why do Jewish men get circumcised?

Jewish woman can't resist anything with 25% off.





My old man told me that people that work with their hands will be in great demand in the future.

The local crackhead prostitute will soon be rolling in it.

[Bikkie]

Not one person anywhere voted for Olly Alexander....that must be devastating for the poor poof and could finish his career in music.

Any chance we can get Sam Smith to do it next year?




Is olive wood Popeyes girlfriend wearing a strap on?






Olly Alexander barely avoids nil pois by getting a vote from George Michaels ghost



If any aliens happened to be watching BBC 1 on Saturday night,they would be wondering how mankind survives,as everyone in the world appears to be fucking queer......




Great to see Israel doing so well in the Eurovision Infanticide Contest




Voting for a non binary twat in the Eurovision seems non brainery to me…




Switzerland, the most neutral country in the world.

Even their Eurovision act can't commit to a gender.




Just seen Israel giving Germany ten points in Eurovision.

Forgiveness in its purest form.





I've just watched the Ukraine Eurovision entry.

It's the bomb.





Joost Klein, the Netherlands entrant in the Eurovision has been banned. For those upset about the news, he has nice big shoulders to cry on.




Iv'e got a dog with no legs called cigarette , i love taking him out for a drag .




Meghan Markle wears a £2,275 Johanna Ortiz sundress to stave off the 95F weather in Nigeria.

Looks like young Jamal will have to keep walking three miles to get water from the well.






What's the difference between Wayne Rooney and Count Dracula?


Rooney doesn't mind garlic on his nans

[Bikkie]

I'll never forget the time I met Ugly Spice.

"It's Scary Spice," she said, just before I failed my X-Factor Audition.





What do you call an Indian high wire act?

Balan Singh




Meghan Markle visits Nigeria. Probably went there seeking inspiration for a logo to put on the jars of her new line in jams.





No wonder everyone hated Israel at Eurovision.

They were heterosexual.




Now that Europes biggest gay show, Eurovision, has finished, what have we learnt?
Well, minimum requirements for the future are:
a) Be gay
b) Be camp (BBC loves all things camp)
c) Not be able to sing

Sausage Jockies rule ok...




Definition of implied permission..

Washing tablets adverts
." Best kept away from children "..

Domestic Bleach adverts
" Best kept away from children "..

Durex Condoms.....
no such warning !





Just seen a dating profile:
Looking for a man who has his own house & a good job.
Also needs to have a huge penis.
Must be over 6ft.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but surely nobody has a cock that big?



Upon this beautiful sunny morning, I went for a drive with the wife, top down.

She caused four accidents.

We don't even have a convertible.





I said to my missus

"Shall we go and look at the Northern lights?"

"You can fuck off if you think I'm going to Blackpool at this time of night. " She replied.




Typical non-binary finish in Eurovision.

Olly Alexander wasn't sure if he was going to enter and he didn't come where he wanted.




What do you call a Muslim alcoholic?

Mohammered





Now I know I'm getting old, I can remember when there was just two sexes.

[Bikkie]

I have a wife who is a vegan, a brother-in-law who is an LGBT activist and a sister who is a feminist.

I also have the best noise-cancelling headphones in the world.




The Manchester United manager, Erik Ten Haag has issued a statement:

"We will bring success back to the Theatre of Streams. We know we've been pour and our defence has been a bit leaky, but we will rain again as Premier League champions."





Well done olly alexander. my non binary 9 year old loved your sick performance





Who gave the best blow jobs in the navy?

Fellatio Nelson




Netherlands Eurovision contestant disqualified after complaint of inappropriate behaviour.

Apparently, the cunt started singing.





Why don't they call anal bleaching changing your ring tone?





King Charles has revealed his treatment for cancer has cost him his sense of taste.

This is the guy who climbed over Diana to get to Camilla, he never fucking had any.





My wife called me a sex machine yesterday.

Actually she called me 'A fucking tool', but i know what she meant




Olly Alexander was asked if he would ever be popular.

He said, " Probably, but not for years & years."




Dismay.

Jamaican for the month after disapril.





Old Trafford now has four stands.

The Sir Alex Ferguson stand, The Sir Bobby Charlton stand, The Deep End and The Shallow End.



I went to meet this bird i had found on Tinder.

As I approached her house, she open the door in her negligée.

'That's a funny place to have a door!' I thought.





I met a cracking looking German bird in a bar last night,so I asked her where she was from, "Berlin" she replied. I told her that my Granddad used to do regular trips there,
"What business was he in?" She asked, her beautiful blue eyes glittering with interest, "Demolition mainly " I said, "He used to fly a Lancaster bomber".
I never saw her again.





A creepy thought for the day:

Almost all of us will buy
the clothes in which we
will either be buried or
cremated.
Some of us will already
have bought those
clothes.
Better go check your
wardrobe now.
Or perhaps not!





Don't deter your teenage
son from masturbating.
It's good practice for
married life.





Top Tip: Always listen to
'health experts' even if
they resemble jabba the
hutt after a weekend of
smoking crack.




Gobble-de-gook
when a German bird
sucks a vietnamese nob.





Riding the red rag,a visit
from Aunty Flo,moon
time,Crimson tide.All well
known euphemisms for
the 'time of the month'.





When my girlfriend told
me she had the painters
in' I decided she would
need cheering up so
I popped round with
chocolates and some
Netflix suggestions.
Imagine my surprise when
I walked into her kitchen
and found her stark naked
on a pasting table with
two blokes in dirty overalls
giving her spit roast!





According to a recent
survey,the first thing a
man notices about a
woman is her hair.
The survey was conducted
by The Institute Of Lies.





I got a VW camper,
installed a kick ass stereo
and stocked it with drink,
drugs and hot women.
Not even Ryan Reynold's
could make the van wilder.





Why is it that the people
that are more than likely
to complain about a man
not washing their hands
after going for a piss are
going to be a woman or a
faggot,but then they are
more likely to be sucking a
cock at some point...does
anyone else think that's
double standards?





Did you hear about the
guy who evaporated?
He'll be mist.




What animal should you
not play leapfrog with?
A unicorn.




I call my photocopier Bob
Marley,because it keeps
jamming.





Paddy: "Lisa from down
the street just showed me
a picture of her new baby
on her phone."

Seamus: "So what did she
have?"

Paddy: "One of those
samsung flip things."




"It took me a few
attempts to get today's
five letter wordle solution,
but I got there in the end..."
'pneumonoultamicroscop
icsilicovolcanoconiosis.'





I was hotboxing my car
getting high as shit when
I heard a little voice
say,"aren't you a little
too old to be doing this
now?" "Yeah,you're right"
I thought,I threw the
joint out the window and
finished dropping my kid
off at school.





My wife said,"Heavy is the
crown on the head of the
wearer"
of course her neck
muscles have atrophied
so badly that that Burger
King paper probably feels
like 40 lb dumbbell.





Murphy part-exed his Ford
Focus for a Nissan Leaf
plug-in electric car,A day
later he was back at the
dealership "I want me
Focus back,me money
back and Ye can stick this
fecking pile of crap up yer
erse!"
The salesman be mused
asked "The Leaf is a lovely
car sir,low environmental
impact,technologically
advanced,economical,
what do you dislike about
it?"
Murphy replied,"The range,
it's terrible! If yeez droive
any furder than 30 feet the
plug pulls out've the wall!!"





Dating:* Lights candle to
set the mood* Flowers
chocolates*
Married:* TV Lights Bed*





A recent study shows that
despite 60 years of trying,
scientists have not been
able to locate a women's
G-spot.
Still,you've got to give
them credit for not giving
up after 5 minutes.





"...It was 7 years ago today
that my pal Joey came
running out of that room
with tears streaming down
his face shouting "It's a
boy,it's a boy."
We never did go back to
pattay,Thailand for a
holiday."





So..I said to the
waitress..."Can I ask about
the menu please?"
She screamed back "the
men I please are none of
your business..!!"





I'm glad I'm not wealthy
with a wife half my age,
not knowing if she's with
me just for my money.
At least being poor I know
my wife hates me for who
I am.





Smokers are a dying breed.





What do you call a
chinese burglar?
Loo-Ting.





As I sat there awaiting my
covid jab the young nurse
said,"You might feel a bit
of a prick."
I replied,"have you heard
my jokes love I'm used to
it."





Went on a Bumble date
with this fantastically sexy
24 year old woman I had
plans to leave my wife for.
She said,"Ooh,you're just
like Richard Gere."
"Wow,it's so great I've
finally met someone who
can not just accept but
also participate in my anal
gerbilling"
"Uh,no.I just meant an
attractive older sugar
daddy with grey hair" she
said as she left.





Got a new tyre fitted today
and the mechanic asked
for a box of cadbury's
chocolates as payment.
It was a Goodyear for the
Roses.

[Bikkie]

"KING: I LOST MY SENSE OF TASTE"

You sure did, when you divorced Diana in 1996, but not as badly as your youngest son when he married a skank in 2018.





It's the Me-Me Nigerian Megan Markle Tour.

Is that the name of her tribe?





Haggish - an ugly female, or Sean Connery's favourite dish.

... continuing the theme.





Ten hag bans Manchester evening news from his press conference,bit nieve considering that in a couple of weeks the only job he'll be able get is delivering it





My teacher said I'd be no good at poetry because of my dyslexia.
So far I've made two jugs, a vase and a bowl, so fuck you Mrs Collins





Not many people know that Albert Einstein was a rapper.
His stage name was MC Squared.

I'll get my string theory vest.





I was watching countdown earlier, Rachel Riley was in a very short skirt.
I got aroused.
Only seven letters, but not bad for a first attempt.





Due to the woketards in charge of the BBC, the ratings for Dr Who are going down faster than Olly Alexander on a Swedish rentboy......





I've got a job writing greetings cards
This is my bereavement attempt.:

"sometimes words are inadequate our feelings to express.
But just look at it this way, at dinner it's one less"

Winner or what?





Great to see Tom Hanks at Villa Park last night for Villa's thrilling 3-3 draw with Liverpool


He would have loved Darwin Nunez's cameo as Forrest Gump




Say what you like about the British government, but at least they're committed to rewilding the country.

Judging by their immigration policies.

[Bikkie]

David Coppafeel




David Copperfeel





Magician David Copperfield accused of sexual misconduct by women as young as 15.

Did he make their virginities disappear with his magic wand?




Do you think David Copperfield is going to be forced to tell everyone how he did it?





David Copperfield's next illusion will be to make 16 women disappear with one wave of his magic wand.

Ironically that's what got him into this situation in the first place.




Lawyers for David Copperfeel state claims against him are ‘not only completely false but also entirely implausible’. Good job that's not how he made his career...









Magician David Copperfield accused of sexual misconduct by multiple women.

So, how many fingers did he make disappear?




Shit.

This is an anagram of the word "hits", and that's not the only one.




Greeting card idea:

Now my son you've come of age
I've watched you grow and grow
I'm the one who fucked your mum
21 years ago




I thought of asking ChatGPT to write a limerick about me having a threesome with Megan Fox and Jessica Alba. Could it rival this?

An intimate session with Fox
And Alba will arouse most cocks!
For now, I'll keep quiet
And consider a diet
As I once again wash all these socks.

[Bikkie]

Rabid Copperfield



I wonder if David Copperfield can make himself disappear?




"For my next trick, I will make this young lady's virginity and dignity DISAPPEAR!!"

[Bikkie]

My daughter bought Kamale' Harris's autobiography and has been extremely disappointed with it.

She thought it was going to be all about her "kicking down doors," but instead it's mostly about her unzipping flies.





Here's to nipples. Without them, Titties would be pointless.





My Muslim pal asked me to discover the five pillars


I've been to Ibiza, Ayia Napa, Amsterdam, Berlin and Miami - but they all seem to be into ketamine these days





Parents say children with suspected ADHD are not getting a diagnosis quickly enough.

Er, hello... you've answered your own question.





I'm not saying I'm old but I used to fancy women in the 80s.

Now I fancy women in their 80s.






BBC News: Teenagers could be employed to fill train drivers' slots.

and I've met a few train drivers who would love to return the favour.





Question for any ex-Navy personnel: What is a spur lash?




It’s the sound the anchor makes when it hits the sea.



Today is IDAHOBIT, which apparently stands for International Day Against Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia.

I thought it was the title of Amazon's next negrified Tolkien adaptation.

[Bikkie]

There are 3.95 billion females on this planet.

You'd think it'd be clean by now.



The Mile Castle, set to be the UK’s first ‘Super Spoons’, will be the largest Wetherspoons pub in the country.

It’s so vast that after having 10 pints and walking to the toilet, you’ll be sober by the time you return to the bar.





'Alcohol abuse costs UK 27 billion pounds a year'

Yeah, it's about time the pubs lowered their prices.




They asked 1 million American woman..

" Would you sleep with Tiger Woods "?....
Half of them said " Never again " !





The British Museum was closed for two hours today, as staff tried to free an Asian kid from a knight's suit.

Talk about a chink in their armour.




" New Vatican Guidlines on Supernatural , to root out Baloney "

I'm too busy laughing to provide a punch-line.




Scottie Scheffler was handcuffed by police after ignoring a traffic stop near the Louisville PGA Championship course.

Not his greatest ever drive.




Hoover to close its factory in Merthyr Tydfil after 60 years.

That'll create a vacuum...






My girlfriend is rather pissed off with me right now, since I was caught wanking during her balance beam routine.





What is Phil Collins' chat up line?

I Can Feel Cummin In Your Hair Tonight








Remember! If you are going out to the pub this evening for a night of heavy drinking and you are worried that you might forget something - just think 'WOWEE'.

(W)allet
Ph(O)ne
(W)keys
(E)gg
Spare (E)gg

[Bikkie]

What do you call a pair of Irish poofs?

Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.




What do you call a pair of Scottish poofs?

Ben Doon and Phil McCracken.




What do you call a Scottish cloakroom attendant?

Angus McCoatup.




"It's time to test the smoke alarm, " I said to my missus.

"It's 9:am on a Sunday morning, just fucking ask for breakfast like any normal bloke will you. "




Just looking at the latest Royal Family "at home" snaps, aren't they great! You can see the likeness

In particular, there's quite a lot of Prince Andrew in Princess Charlott



ProTip for any cashiers out there. When handing over change, first place the coins in my hand, and then the bills on top. I trust your math skills




Elvira, Mistress of the Dark star Cassandra Peterson revealed in an interview that she lost her virginity to Welsh crooner Tom Jones.

Apparently he was very well-endowed and quite rough with her; in fact, she had to get stitches afterwards.

When he called her the next day she sang, 'Forgive my vagina, it just couldn't take any more.'



Scousers think one of Sir Tom Jones' songs is him singing about a girl named Dely to his mate.






Despite a fortune of over $400m, Jon Bon Jovi washes dishes at his New Jersey restaurants, where the homeless eat free forever.

It looks like he's slippery when wet while his customers are livin' on a prayer.




Where's Sebastian from The Little Mermaid buried?

Under DC.




Gypsy Alfie Best has an empire worth £947million.

I bet he knows a lucky Heather.




How do women football players cope when they turn up to a match and all the other women are wearing the same outfit?




Tell me your best King Charles joke. I'm all ears





My defense of "better out than in" didn't go down to well at my trial for flashing.



If Max Factor have managed to develop a mascara that makes your eyelashes look up to three times longer then why aren’t they developing condoms?





“Labour plan to bring in drug tests for Politicians.”

They’re taking the piss surely?





If a white man gets dreadlocks, it is cultural appropriation, racism, he should kneel, apologize and even pay. And if a black man lives in a house made of bricks and not shit, then everything is fine.



With Meghan Markle's presidential-like visit to her homeland of Nigeria, she is destined for the Oval Office.

Is there nothing she won't do to meet King Charles?




Undeterred

What you find when you fart and follow through




Paddy goes to his work one Monday morning and says to his workmates,
my best friend Mick dropped dead on Saturday.
He was only 37, in perfect health, never smoked or drank, worked out every day,
he just dropped dead.

His workmates said... "Jesus Paddy what happened?"
Paddy said.... his parachute didn't open!




Got a new job making incomplete clocks.

It's only part time.





Paradox: Contray to expection.

Like,how as you grow
older you'd love to date
a young,hot chick.But
the young,hot chicks
who would agree to date
a substantially older
guy,you don't want to
go fucking near because
they're always mental...





One of my earliest
memories is building
sandcastles with my
grandad.
Then mum put the urn up
high.





My father used to say
"Time is the best healer."
Great bloke,terrible A&E
consultant.





Man walks into a library
and asks for a book on
turtles.
"Hardback?" says the
Librarian.
"Yeah and little heads."





My wife says and does the
nicest things.
Just this morning she
said,"I'm leaving you and
taking the kids."





I was on a date last night.
When the bill came,the
lady said we should go
Dutch.
So I sold her into the sex
trade and went and rolled
a joint.





My dad's favourite saying was:
'The first cut is the deepest.'
Lovely man,terrible surgeon.




At this stage of my life,
I'm God's gift to women
if they swung by a thrift
store right before closing.





During a long lonely
hike in the Rockies over
summer,Bear Grylls had
the misfortune to come
face to face with an angry
grizzly bear,somehow he
managed to survive the
ordeal.
Afterwards,when
interviewed by National
Geographic,the bear
admitted that he was
somewhat surprised by
the sudden encounter but
he had finally solved the
age old problem of 'does
man shit himself in the
woods'.

[Bikkie]

Tyson fury 3 days ago "I'm the greatest heavyweight that's ever lived!"


Erm.....you pot twated by a Ukrainian dwarf?





Man walks into doctors surgery
Doctor says, "well sir we have narrowed things down, your wife either has alzheimers or AIDS"
Man says," well how do we know which one?"
Doctor says "hmmm, tell you what, drop the bitch at the edge of town, if she finds her way home dont fuck her".




Coming back from holiday Got stopped at Heathrow by border security. The guy says "do you have any drugs, firearms or indecent pictures of minors.
I'd said yes, he said which do you have, I said the last one you mentioned but only one picture I keep it for sentimental value. He looked at me angrily and asked me to show him. So I rummage through my bag and got out the picture. I said it's my grandad with his cock out down the coal mine.......
he always was a bit of a prankster.




I told a lesbian friend that from the back I thought she was balding.

She thanked me and said I'm not the first to spot the resemblance.




A study has just been published about microplastics being found in every sample of human and canine testicles they tested.

I'm glad someone had the balls to investigate.





Kevin Mcloud has a new series where he talks to people who renovate their elderly female relatives.

Gran designs





I remember playing a
game called Downfall
when I was young.It was
a game we got from a
charity shop.
Today I think of Downfall
as an entirely dofferent
kind of game,which
involes pushing niggers
off a bridge.





In a new sex survey,40%
of couples say they have
sex 3 or 4 times a week.
The other 60% are
married...





There are some sayings I
hate to hear.
"Go Big or Go Home is
THE worst.
If I hear that again
from one more bloody
prostitute...





British Rail used to be
much better.They say
in the mid-seventies if
you were travelling on an
intercity 125,you could
set a 50 pence coin on
its edge on a table at the
start of a journey,and it'd
still be there at the end.
Not now
...these days,some nigger
would nick it.





Four old men sitting in a
room.

First man: "So the people
can say whatever they
want?"

Second man: spitting out
his baccy,"Yup"

Third : "Ok let's give
them all guns


Fourth man: "Everyone
sign up now please,this
countrys gonna be fuckin
great"

...and so the American
constitution was
written,,,and everyone
lived happily ever
afterwards,or perhaps
not.





So sick of seeing all the
blacks on TV.So I've
decided to create a show
they couldn't possibly
appear in.
My father and me.




One time when we finally
took a long holiday to
spain,we charted a
boat for a few days to
do some fishing far out
in the Mediterranean.
and it so happened that
when we were out there and
seeing all the dinghies and
everything and refugees
in the water,seeingthis
situation we turned our
fishing into grabbing them
out with hooks and taking
them onto our boat!
All the sub-saharan sand
niggers were absolutely
fucking livid though when
we dropped them right
back in the saltwater,and
as they glowered at me I
just said,"our policy has
always been catch-and-release."





There was a time when
I was 15 years old I went
through a phase where
I seriously wished I was black.

My father made me
spend all summer
cleaning out the cellar
and the garage,besides
making me get a job I
didn't fucking want at his
golf course as a caddy
carrying around the clubs
for all his prick mates;
and I wished I could be
like Leroy down the street,
who always seemed to
have not a care in the
world and who's father
fucked off years ago.

[Piper]

I feel so sorry for the next
generation growing up in
Scotland if the SNP make
law their new hate crime
Bill and gender recognition
act-where you can legally
change your gender at will,
with no checks, doctors
agreement or anything...

"Doctor, we've been unable
to conceive a baby"

"They'd because your both
biologically male"

"No, I'm a man and my
wife is a woman"

"No, your wife is
biologically male"

"Biologically? What's that?
She's not a man"

"It's a taboo science thing,
it explains how men and
women reproduce"

"But I'm a man and she's
a woman.You need a
man and a woman to
reproduce,we learned that
at school"

"No, you're both
have penises and testes"

"No, I'm a man with a
penis and my wife is a
woman with a penis.And
everyone knows men can
have babies anyway"

"Yes but those men who
have babies are actually
biologically women"

"OMG!!! I'm reporting you
to the police for a hate
crime and I demand a
second opinion from
a doctor who is not a
transphobe!"

[Bikkie]

Scatman John goes into a barbers and says, "I want a number two all over."





A palm reader once told me my cock would be like my fingers, long and thin.

She was half right.




Global tennis icon Venus Williams has been given her own Barbie doll in a new range that champions female athletes.

Her arse is sold separately.





Ireland, Spain and Norway recognise the state of Palestine.

‘Hey, didn’t we meet last year at the Feynman bar mitzvah?’

Credit to Robin Williams





Why is oral sex with a pensioner like eating a pork pie?

You have to bite off the crust and suck out the jelly before you get to the meat....




It is just before Man City Vs Man Utd in the FA cup final at Wembley.

Haaland goes into the Man City changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Man Utd. They're shite and we can't be bothered".
Haaland looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Haaland goes out to play Man Utd by himself and the rest of the Man City team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Man City 2 - Man Utd 0 (Haaland 5, 10 minutes)". He is beating Man Utd all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the TV back on.
"Result from Wembley Stadium "Man City 2 (Haaland 5, 10 minutes) - Man Utd 1"(Bruno Fernandes 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly beat Manchester United!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
"I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you beat Man Utd all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down...
I got sent off after 12 minutes!”






For those of you who missed the rare atmospheric spectacle last week, experts say don't worry as there is a good chance you will once again be able to see sunlight in parts of the UK this coming weekend.






You know you were brought up in the Eighties when being on the spectrum meant playing Jet Set Willy.





The definition of disgusting is kissing your grandmother and getting tongue.



Avoid being harassed by pesky wasps this summer by popping a dollop of strawberry jam on a small child




In a café this morning, I said to the woman serving, "May I have a tea bag?"

She told me to sit at a table and after a few minutes, she brought it over.

"What's this?" I asked.

"It's what you wanted," she replied, "a tea bag."

"No it isn't," I added, "I said I'd like a tea, you old bag."



Two friends, Jimmy and Steve are out for a Sunday drive. The lights ahead turn red and Jimmy steams right through the intersection. Steve is mortified. ‘Relax amigo,’ reassures Jimmy, ‘my brother Johnny does that all the time.’ A few blocks down, the lights turn red and Jimmy cruises on through it. Steve is aghast. “You did it again!’ ‘Take it easy bro, my brother does it all the time.’ They drive on and the next light turns green and Jimmy screeches to a halt. ‘What the blue fck is going on!’ shouts Steve, ‘the light’s green!’ Jimmy looks to the right. ‘Yeah, I know man, but my brother might be coming the other way.’

Source: Quora.




My trampoline business in Prague got in to trouble.

Too many Czech's bouncing.





I just discovered the perfect little vacuum cleaner for my gypsy caravan: the Dyson Fury.

[jellywrestler]

Scatman John goes into a barbers and says, "I want a number two all over."





A palm reader once told me my cock would be like my fingers, long and thin.

She was half right.




Global tennis icon Venus Williams has been given her own Barbie doll in a new range that champions female athletes.

Her arse is sold separately.





Ireland, Spain and Norway recognise the state of Palestine.

‘Hey, didn’t we meet last year at the Feynman bar mitzvah?’

Credit to Robin Williams





Why is oral sex with a pensioner like eating a pork pie?

You have to bite off the crust and suck out the jelly before you get to the meat....




It is just before Man City Vs Man Utd in the FA cup final at Wembley.

Haaland goes into the Man City changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Man Utd. They're shite and we can't be bothered".
Haaland looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Haaland goes out to play Man Utd by himself and the rest of the Man City team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Man City 2 - Man Utd 0 (Haaland 5, 10 minutes)". He is beating Man Utd all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the TV back on.
"Result from Wembley Stadium "Man City 2 (Haaland 5, 10 minutes) - Man Utd 1"(Bruno Fernandes 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly beat Manchester United!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
"I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you beat Man Utd all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down...
I got sent off after 12 minutes!”






For those of you who missed the rare atmospheric spectacle last week, experts say don't worry as there is a good chance you will once again be able to see sunlight in parts of the UK this coming weekend.






You know you were brought up in the Eighties when being on the spectrum meant playing Jet Set Willy.





The definition of disgusting is kissing your grandmother and getting tongue.



Avoid being harassed by pesky wasps this summer by popping a dollop of strawberry jam on a small child




In a café this morning, I said to the woman serving, "May I have a tea bag?"

She told me to sit at a table and after a few minutes, she brought it over.

"What's this?" I asked.

"It's what you wanted," she replied, "a tea bag."

"No it isn't," I added, "I said I'd like a tea, you old bag."



Two friends, Jimmy and Steve are out for a Sunday drive. The lights ahead turn red and Jimmy steams right through the intersection. Steve is mortified. ‘Relax amigo,’ reassures Jimmy, ‘my brother Johnny does that all the time.’ A few blocks down, the lights turn red and Jimmy cruises on through it. Steve is aghast. “You did it again!’ ‘Take it easy bro, my brother does it all the time.’ They drive on and the next light turns green and Jimmy screeches to a halt. ‘What the blue fck is going on!’ shouts Steve, ‘the light’s green!’ Jimmy looks to the right. ‘Yeah, I know man, but my brother might be coming the other way.’

Source: Quora.




My trampoline business in Prague got in to trouble.

Too many Czech's bouncing.





I just discovered the perfect little vacuum cleaner for my gypsy caravan: the Dyson Fury. do you do live shows as you have an incredible style in writing diverse jokes, most people just have one style these days?

[Piper]

I think the FA Cup final will be
closer than most people think
Man City will probably only
win 6 or 7 nil.


I went to a film festival in
Southern France where
they also served alcohol.
"In Cannes?"
"No,pint glasses."


If you want to feel good
about yourself,do a good
deed but don't upload
the video.


After the # fa cup today,# Manchester United
will be planting potatoes at their
stadium.
It's the only thing that will be lifting
next season.

[Bikkie]

do you do live shows as you have an incredible style in writing diverse jokes, most people just have one style these days?

No live shows.Sorry to disappoint!

[Bikkie]

Prince George burst into tears at Wembley on Saturday, he was seen tugging at the cup handle as it was presented to the Man U captain, he was heard to whimper "no grandad, no !"




Why are black people's hands white?

Everyone has a bit of good in them.





A judge has ruled that the man on the Clapham Omnibus would think calling Jeremy Vine 'Bike Nonce' means he is a Paedo and is defamatory.

That's why he'll always be Le Nonce de le bicyclette, to me,



Nicki Minaj arrested at Schiphol Airport.

Apparently her suitcase contained a false bottom.

Credit: Alas Smith & Jones




Manchester City are facing 115 charges by the FA.

If found guilty, they'll be relegated so far down the tables they'll end up playing in the Scottish league.





Never mind Man City, it's one less trophy to be taken off you when all your titles and cups are taken away.



If man city make a come back and win the f.a. cup Everton will qualify for a 3 point deduction next season




Manchester have won the f.a. cup I should have put a bet on it





Plymouth Argyle announce Rooney as new manager.

"We wanted someone with great tactical awareness who commands respect throughout the game," said Simon Hallett, "and a first class managerial track record."

"Unfortunately," he added, "we couldn't find anyone like that so we approached Wayne instead."




Wayne Rooney has been appointed as the new manager of Plymouth Argyle on a three-year deal.

He will spend his time between coaching and the Ernstell House Nursing Home.





Wayne Rooney has been appointed as the new manager of Plymouth Argyle on a three-year deal.

He said, 'We'll need to dig deep if we want to be in League 2'.






Chuck Norris has admitted to using stunt doubles in his movies, but only for the crying parts.





Headline: Samantha Cameron on her love of flowers and David’s green fingers.

Does David like to copper feel?

[Bikkie]

My latest Girlfriend has dwarfism.
Turns out She can be quite devious.

I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her!




If you spend all of your spare time making belts out of old watch straps, would that be a waist of time?





Just bought a 75 inch TV to watch the Premier League season next season I've just opened the box and there are no Leeds....






Manchester United won the 2023/4 FA Cup. Spend your £2m prize money wisely.




I kept pulling up short to the greens playing golf.

My partner suggested using an extra club on each shot.

That made it worse.

Trying to swing with a pitching wedge and a driver in your hands is fucking hard.




The wife was cheering an act on Britain's Got Talent. I said, "I could do that."

She replied, "Go on then."

So I sat down and cheered next to her.

[Bikkie]

Meghan MarkleL: 43% Nigerian; 100% cunt.




My wife's up for some humiliation in the bedroom tonight !!

She's sitting on the bed with her laptop making pro-Biden posts.




If you put a cucumber near a cat, it'll jump out of its skin.

Note to self; don't paint your cock green.




They say your first car is as memorable as your first kiss.
Mine was an old banger that had been round the block more than a few times and stank of piss....

.......can't for the life of me remember what the car was though!





My dad slaved 12 hours a day to put food on the table.

I've never met anyone who cooked so fucking slowly.




Q: "What's got eight legs and hides in trees?"

"I don't know "

A: A snooker table.

"I've never seen a snooker table in a tree!"

"They're very good at hiding "




I've been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying
to make a fast buck..





Courtney Love of course used to be in the alternative band Hole

The name of which was inspired by her late husband's head




If Donald Trump goes to jail,
He will be a dick taker from day one.



How do you know when a woman is going to say something intelligent?

When her first words are, "A man once told me..."




A game changer for men ?
Guys, if you want an intelligent, brief conversation with women, get an Amazon Alexa.

[Bikkie]

A Starbucks barista wrote on my coffee that she's pansexual and sexually ambiguous with all genders.

I then suggest we go in the toilets and she suck me off and somehow THAT gets me a lifetime ban ?



I've no objection to it being Pride Month.
I just don't want it rammed down my throat...




There is a new orgy activity called 'The Donald'.

It's where you get fucked by 12 strangers.




Harry Kane won the European Golden Boot for leading goal scorer.

Something else Spurs can't put in their small drinks, erm, trophy cabinet.




I managed to bargain with Gemma Collins to go out with me


Piece of cake




At my age a drink with my friends is more like a biology-lesson with a beer.




Experts: To be successful, surround yourself with successful people.

So I named my kids Musk, Zuckerberg and Bezos.





Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt has submitted a petition to a Los Angeles court to drop Pitt from her name.

I'd have thought that was the last bit she'd want to change.





The 12 jurors in Donald Trump's hush-money trial were asked what they thought of Stormy Daniels


3 said they preferred her anal flicks, but the others liked the video of her banging that fat orange twat with the tiny cock





Prince Andrew must repaint Windsor Royal Lodge with two coats of paint every five years or Charles threatens to evict him.

It's difficult, as he's on the register and cannot be any closer to Windsor Girls School.




"Can I help you Sir?"
"I'm looking for a gold digger,do you have any in stock?"
"We have two Sir,there's the white version, called the 'Lucy Beaumont' It comes from the North and makes strange guttural noises,or the Black version called the 'Megan Markle'.It originates from Nigeria and is prone to delusional breakdowns every 50 miles"

"I think I'll leave it Thank you"




"If only my son had made more capital rather than writing about it."

Karl Marx's mother




A woman takes her car to a garage and said to the mechanic "Everytime I turn the ignition on, there's a terrible whining noise that's driving me mad!"
The mechanic gets in,and within seconds he says " Found the problem ,I've taken your Taylor Swift C.D out"......



Willie Nelson. Great singer,

devastating wrestling hold..




I'm Not sure Trump can win now the task seems impossible...


Ronnie O'sullivan just needs one more frame.





My girlfriend runs a kiosk in the local park that sells batteries.

She sells C cells by the seesaw




My wife said that sex is better on holiday.....

.......not the best postcard I've ever received.




An engineer has built a bug trap that catches its prey, then beats it with four sticks.

It only works on black beetles though.





Well known hooker reported to be working for free.
Stormy Daniel’s give the entire country a happy ending



On Jan 6th 2021, Trump would have liked it if Mike Pence was hung.

I imagine that, as a porn actress, Stormy Daniels would have liked it if Donald Trump was hung, but based on the size of his tiny hands...



Nicki Minaj being arrested for having weed in Amsterdam is like me being arrested for having a knife in London.




I have the best convictions. The most convictions, more convictions than every other President in history put together. Believe me, nobody gets felony convictions better than me.





Donald Trump, could be the only convicted criminal to be voted in as President of the USA.

It would make him the most honest president they have ever had, as all the rest of the corrupt fuckers remain unconvicted.





'Knock Knock'
'Who's there?'
'The Liberal Democrats '
'The Liberal Democrats who?'

That's politics.....




If you're gonna commit a crime, attach a couple of fake fingers to your hands...
That way if you get busted and they try showing camera footage in court, you can argue that the photo is a.i. generated




If 'pissed off' means angry, is that why everyone in porn is so happy when they get pissed on?




I don't do cocaine.

I just like how it smells.




Something's wrong with the Range Rover EVOQUE I bought.

It's not an electric vehicle.

And who thought up the name OQUE?





I was watching porn earlier on my phone and saw some fat bloke with a small cock wanking in the background...put me right off.

Then I noticed it was my reflection.




Who does Pennywise the clown call when his laptop has broken?

I.T support.





'Britain's Got Talent' The only place you'll find a nigger called 'Innocent'.....



Watching BGT the other night, my missus said, "Doesn't Amanda Holden's daughter look like her?"

"Yeah but I bet her arse and twat are a LOT tighter." I replied.

She's still not talking to me.





My American friend, from the deep South, phoned me and said he was worried because he'd just had sex with his third cousin.

"That's not too bad," I told him, "I wouldn't worry."

"But what if she tells the other two?," he said.



In the News: Ex-Post Office boss, Paula Vennells , has been accused of being in la-la land.

'I've never starred in any Movies with Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone' she said.




I found a dead frog in my pond.

He had Kermitted suicide.





All I'm saying is, at any point during that ride through the desert he could have given the horse a name.




I wish I could have a penis reduction like women have a breast reduction.

Said no man ever.




Men should leave their child with a bear rather than a single mother. Hear me out.

A bear never left a child alone to go party In Florida.

A bear never lied about the paternity of a child.

A bear never used child support money for their hair and nails.

A bear never made false accusations against a man out of spite.

A bear never brought every person they talked to around the children.

A bear never let a child starve while they left to go get high.




Just saw the new Star Wars trailer,

What happened to all the white Jedi ?




What do Daleks scream at the gay Dr. Who?

"Exfoliate!"





Apparently you can be fined in Germany for calling a police officer "du" rather than "Sie" - this is like "tu" rather than "vous" in French.

So remember, it's not "Fick dich", but "Ficken Sie sich!"




The Muslims men in Wales are reopening the coal shafts,

Apparently they've heard it will attract a lot of miner's..





An album so rare and valuable ... Once Upon a Time in Shaolin - recorded in secret by the Wu-Tang Clan over six years - was designed to be a piece of fine art. Only a single CD copy exists.

Made in China, and there's no copies?...



"Look at this!" exclaimed my mate, slapping his copy of the Sun. "Katie Price has taken up golf and is planning to enter a major tournament."

"Ryder Cup?"

"No, but I'd come on her tits."

[Bikkie]

new characters added to Mr Men and Little Miss books.

Can't wait for little Miss Gender





Our local aircraft museum has gone Pride and LGBTQ+ crazy in recent weeks.

Even half the planes are bi.





One of those Asian hornets flew up my bellend earlier and I'm currently sitting on a hospital trolley watching gangrene creep up my shaft, while this intravenous morphine isn't even touching the sides of my searing agony


But hey this is still funnier than Michael McIntyre




I was walking through London and this couple came up to me.

'Excuse me,' they said, 'do you know the Battersea Dogs Home.'

'No, I didn't even know the Battersea Dog had been away.'



Britain's got talent?



The final of Britain once had talent was on the box last night.
The wild card entry was given to the dogs.

It's good to have Alesha and Amanda back!





Meghan Markle says she is 'deeply humbled' by her new Nigerian name and thanks Yoruba King for welcoming her and Prince Harry.

They even asked how white your baby is.




Just been watching the world strongman competition on telly, and I'm really appalled by the total lack of any stunning and brave trans men taking part ! It just stinks of bigotry that they're not letting any women who identify as men lift those 100 to 160kg atlas stones, or squat lift 400kg !

More importantly, where are all the trans rights groups protesting this !!!!





There's 2 typos of peoples in this world those who always noticing spelling & grammatical errands, & them who doesn't.




Football trivia. If the Leeds United team that won the 100th Anniversary FA cup final in 1972, 52 years ago, were to take on the England Lionesses who won the 2022 European championship, with all the advances in fitness, diet and media coverage, football fans would still remember who was in the Leeds team.





There are approximately 400 billion birds on the planet and a quarter of a million planes but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question, it’s more than likely going to be a bird.



I'm not surprised the Chinese are so inclined to ridicule Donald Trump.

"We build far far better wall!"





Full marks to Rein for getting funding for a hard-core porno film from the Scottish Arts Council, but now it has been withdrawn, the German Kunst programs might be a soft touch, or even the USA could come up trumps?

[Bikkie]

To commentate the anniversary of D-Day, hundreds have parachuted from RAF planes onto the beaches at Normandy.

In response, President Macron has issued France's unconditional surrender




Helen Worth sad to be leaving Coronation Street after 50 years.
Don't worry love, keep your chin up.




Helen Worth, who plays Gail Platt, is leaving Coronation Street after 50 years.

Looks like ET phoned home, and home answered.



Gail Platt may not have been in Coronation Street since D-day.

But 50 years means she's been there since Waterloo.



Gail Platt actress Helen Worth to quit Corrie after 50 years. She says she wants to follow her dream that she was born to do…

Become a mini boglin



I can tell I know nothing about the soaps because I had no fucking clue Luca Modric was retiring from Corrie before football





I've just won an Elvis Presley competition To claim my prize I had to make a phone call and I was given a choice of prizes I had to press 1 for the money 2 for show




If you know anybody suffering from morbid obesity be kind they've already got enough on their plate.




It’s funny how smells bring back childhood memories like I was once reminiscing about my Nan’s brown crusty bloomers when on a tour of the pilchard canning factory.






"Do you know who I am? I'll have your job for this. "

"Yes Donald, you're a fucking convicted criminal, now shut the fuck up before I throw you in the shower with the gay boys. "





Man arrested over sex offence allegedly committed on flight heading to Ibiza.

Fucking hell, talk about impatient!



There's been some confusion about the identity of the woman who threw a milkshake at Farage.

Shockingly, there may be more than one satsuma-sprayed, piss-bleached, baboon arse-lipped, plastic-faced slapper in Essex.



Could someone with more 'graphic' skills than me please 'find' a Victoria Thomas-Bowen Onlyfans squirter pic...?





I just saw my wife take out more cones than Oprah at the ice cream palace !!

I wondered how that bitch would do the first time I ever saw her drive through construction.



I love extra stuff for free.

I've just held my cock up against a Subway footlong.

The roll must be at least a foot and a half.



Ice cream man arrested after pulling a Magnum on a kid.


I’ll get me white coat…

and me scoop.





All the money I've ever spent on food in my lifetime has been flushed down the toilet.



Diane Abbot has decided to release a Shania Twain single, but she’s renamed it, I feel like a racially discriminated against transgender neutral.



The wife said she saw a fox on the way to work this morning.
I said how did you know it was going to work ?




Fashion tip for the ladies - the girl over the road has been wearing a bandana for about 2 months now and she's almost beach body ready bitches.

[Bikkie]

Today I learned that moths can make their genitals vibrate to throw off a bat's sonar.

Now I'm learning to helicopter my dick so the cops can't triangulate my phone signal.




My Ducky Dennis has gone fishing.
I do like a man... especially when he takes his tackle out.

Oooooooh.



Driving to work this morning, I got stuck behind one of those training vehicles for bus drivers.

I ended up late for work, as did every other cunt on that route.

So I'm guessing the driver training was a success.



Started a new job as a security guard last week and my boss told me to watch the office.
Bastard came in and sacked me today and I was only up to the episode where David Brent did his charity dance.



I have been swopping kinky emails with this blond georgeous bird on line.

I sent her £500 to come and meet me so we could have sex.

She turned out to be a 19 year old black nigerian male scammer.

I was shocked.

So I sent him another £500, after all, a hole is a hole.




You know you're an adult when you have a garden full of plants you can't smoke.




What did Rik Mayall have in common with Jimmy Saville?

They were both paid by the BBC to be in The Young Ones and Bottom.



Why don't vegans moan during sex?

They don't want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy.




On the park, my dog always comes when he's called.

Be less embarrassing if he just ran over to me.



I've never said this publicly but during Pride Month, I'm so proud of my sons.

For loving pussy.


Just paid £20 for lobster tails so the server sat me down and said "Once upon a time, there was this lobster...



I have an American girlfriend who's tried to turn me on by dressing up like Lara Croft.

I just hope those guns aren't real.



In Japanese culture there's something called "rui-katsu", in which people actually try to induce tears because they think it will release repressed emotions or something.

I have since decided to start trying to induce physical sickness in myself, possibly to get that which is unhealthy out of my system. Let's see where this goes.

I'm about to sit down and put on some music by Adele...




I was walking up the street with Trilby hat on, and came across a man with a bowler hat on.

My trilby sat to the bowler hat, 'Whose that American hat behind you, is that your lad?'

'No,' said the bowler hat, 'That's my Stetson.'




Your not chick's with dicks your dudes with boobs you attention seeking tampon dodging fuckers!




Ex President Bush decided to go on a peace keeping mission to Israel, when he got there, to his horror everybody ignored him, so he stopped one in the street & asked why. The Jew looked at him & said “We only talk to bushes when they’re on fire”



"What happens inside a black hole?" Asked the scientist Neil de grasse Tyson.
"It gets destroyed and can never repair itself again!" Said his cell mate unzipping his pants...


Just finished watching Atlas with Jennifer Lopez where she controls an AI robot with 4 arms.

Quite the coincidence because whenever I see her I grow a 3rd leg.



I asked a cowboy about the ethics of bestiality.

He gave me a steer.

[Bikkie]

So an electrician gets home at 2am.
His wife asks "wire you insulate?"
He replies "watts it to you. "I'm ohm aren't i?"...



Football tournaments are like sex in a new relationship. 3 times a day and then gradually decreasing in regularity until you feel you deserve a trophy for a single performance.




Most entertaining thing I've seen at the Euros so far is Croatia's impersonation of Scotland.




What do Scotland's football team and Scotland's Mars bars have in common?

Battered.'



I've nicknamed the wife "Scotland" because she kicks off every 15 minutes.



I had an email from a colleague saying "Report to the office on Monday at 9am for diversity training. No exceptions"


Fuck me, I thought. I didn't except Combat 18 to ever be affected by this


What do you call a Chinese man with one leg shorter than the other?

Wong Ki.



My Tourettes suffering friend told me that on July 4th, we have a choice


"Cunts, cunts, Utter bastard fucking cunts"


He's cured



The Albanian football team shocked a few people.

You don't normally see that many Albanians in one place, apart from an English B&B.



What does a nymphomaniac chicken sound like?

"Ahh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck..."




My best mate is gutted. He had his fiancée's name tattooed on his arm yesterday, and she's literally just given him the elbow


All is not lost though. He got England 0-0 Serbia done on the other




I am a proud non-binary transgender person of colour and my pronouns are xe / xem / xyr.

But I'm not allowed in my local LGBT transgender community because I have a moustache like Charlie Chaplin's?



She looked disappointed when I pulled my trousers down.
"You said that you had a cock that would test my gag reflex."
"It will," I replied. "Wait till you smell it."



What's brown, hard, 10 inches long, with a wet end after sucking on it?

A black cock, you cigar haters



What do gay squirters keep on their bed?

Scatter cushions.


Santa Claus's pronouns are ho/ho/ho.

Also prostitutes'.



Feminism: Give women equality with men.

Men: Okay.

Feminism: Women are more stressed and miserable than ever.

Men: Welcome to equality.


My jokes self-identity as funny.

It's pronouns are He/He/He




Whenever I'm in the mood for dating, I always go for women in wheelchairs. They're easier to pull... and push.
And if she gets too clingy, I can always wheel clamp her to a lamppost


My wife asked me to rock our baby to sleep.

All I've managed to determine so far is that he's not a big Slayer fan.



The best thing about German birds is they don't mind you pissing in a bush.


“How many girlfriends have you had before me?" she asked casually, as she sat on the edge of my bed pretending to be interested in my Warhammer catalogue.

Fucking stupid question.



My ex wife texted me, "Wish you were here."

She does this every time she walks through a cemetery.




The wife and I are on holiday in Centre Parcs Sherwood Forest, laying naked on the bed.

I want sex, she said no but I'll bring her round with my wit, charm and massive cock.

At the moment, she can't see the trees for the wood.

[Bikkie]

BBC
"Hamburg Police shoot man with axe."
That can't be easy.



Had £5 on Harry Kane completing 4 dribbles tonight.....
Bet came in when he was halfway through singing the National Anthem


England players wearing the LGBT+ shirts.

Are they hoping for Brownie points?.


My Dad put his blood, sweat and tears in his work

Hard working bloke but a terrible chef.



My dad always taught me that whenever you're outnumbered and things are getting awkward, focus on the biggest guy and use extreme violence to take him out hard and fast.
Thanks dad... Safe to say I won't be being asked back by that interview panel.



Watching Denmark vs Slovenia and Denmark, in red shirts, have a player named Bah.


For a moment I thought wales were playing.



Not sure why football uses female referees.

They keep bringing up penalties that happened 10 matches ago.


I was recently asked what I think of England's chances in the UEFA Euros.

I said, "Their chances are just like when I take a beautiful woman home after drinking all night - I get to a semi and then flop."



I once had a 69 with a dwarf


Did you cum?


No but I gave her shoes a bloody good clean



I love my flat screen TV.
But trying to turn one on without a remote is like a preteen boy fondling his first girlfriend.



To those who say it's all the same laying down...

I had a 69 with a midget and only licked her feet.


Gordon Ramsay has a new newspaper column where he reviews ready meals. It's called "Prick with a fork".


If one gay woman is a rug muncher, is a lesbian orgy a shag pile?


To the person who stole my place in the queue just be aware. I'm after you now..


What app do gays use when they want colonic irrigation with a liquid made by crushing dark beans from a tropical bush into a powder?

Coffee Grindr.



I hear there's an app for Asian gay men and their admirers.

It's called Spice Grindr.



My first night in prison my cellmate said to me; 'Blood on my knife, or shit on my dick.'

I didn't fancy bleeding on his knife, so I took a shit on his dick.

[Bikkie]

Sir Ian McKellen is the only man that can act with 3 wizards sleeves at the same time.



Sir Ian McKellen had an accident onstage during a performance.

Hardly surprising when you consider his age, and what his arse has been through over the years.




Sir Ian McKellan falling off the London stage, straight onto a young mans lap.

Those blood curdling screams weren't of pain, but of excitement!



Sir Ian McKellen ok after theatre accident.

He later joked about his early acting days saying this is not the first time I've bruised a bone while entering Noel Coward's trap door





Justin Timberlake may face prison following his drink-driving arrest.

He'll be praying his cellmate doesn't think he's got a sexybackside.



Justin Timberlake should have got a taxiback



Justin Timberlake tried to escape during his arrest for drink driving.

He can't stop the fleeing.



'Singer Justin Timberlake has been arrested over allegations of driving while intoxicated in the US, police have said.'
"Cry me a pint of guinness!" He said to the arresting cop...






BBC NEWS: Mick Hucknall has been arrested after being caught making love to a rabbit...
a police source says..'He was holding back the ears whilst singing..Bunny's too tight to mention'.



Never knew how similar that Mike basset film was to the England team. My dvd stopped playing half way through as well.

[Bikkie]

In response to a post match interview question, Gareth Southgate argued, “Of course I know what I’m doing with my tactics! I keep them in my pocket and suck on one now and again, to keep my breath fresh and minty!”



The dairies of Prince Andrew:


21st June 2024


That Spanish 16 year old last night was amazing!

Lamine Yamal isn't too bad either



Paddy gets home from the pub, pissed as a fart. Wife says, “OK Smart Arse, you’ve got lipstick on your collar… Explain that!”
“Easy,” he replies, “I used my shirt to wipe my cock!”


A thorough investigation into Just Stop Oil has revealed that simply 'being noticed' is not an accomplishment




Why do thieves never target politicians’ homes?

Professional courtesy.




Following a disciplinary at work, my boss told me that my future conduct as a bus driver needed to be "whiter than white"


So I made all the black passengers sit at the back



I'm old enough to remember when ice cream only came in a box.

The same as my cock did.



People who go to McDonalds for a salad make me laugh.

It's like going to a crack house for vitamins.



Thailand legalised same-sex marriage after a historic vote.

So pleased. I can now marry the beautiful bride I ordered from Thailand last year .




Three lads in the playground bragging about how fast their dads are.

"My dad is faster than a lion," says the first boy.

The second laughs and said, "Mine is faster than a cheetah".

The third is not impressed and says, "mine is faster, he works for the council."

The boys look confused until he explains, "He finishes work at 5pm but he's home by half past two."

[Bikkie]

Has anyone noticed that most of the Netherlands team are of African descent?

It makes sense as orange is the new black.



Speed dating. Got coupled with a flat chested geek who asked me what plants I like?.

Implants did not get the laugh I thought it deserved.


Looking forward to Belgium v France in the African Nations final.



My wife and I were discussing what we'd like to happen at the end of our lives. She asked me where I'd like to be buried.

I probably shouldn't have said, "Balls deep in your sister".


Tories pledge focus on pubs and clubs in the first 100 days.

Drowning their sorrows at a guess!


I wanted to learn more about how to be a better friend of the Jewish people

So I asked my Israeli friend for a few tips.



My mate asked 'if you could only wank one more time ever, who would you do it to?'
I said 'probably myself'



"My local butcher has just been told he is critically obese."

"What does he weigh?"

"Meat, usually"



Scientists are saying they have found microplastics in penises.

Must be Asian ones.

I just checked and found a 2 litre Fanta bottle in mine.


Bankrupt Bradley Wiggins’s fat ex-wife has declared she’ll “Never turn my back on him”.

Where the fuck’s he going to park his bike now?



I confessed to my friend that I'd been having sex with my Labrador.

"Is it a male or female dog?" he asked.

"Female, of course," I replied, "I'm not fucking weird."



Wild Thang, an eight-year-old Pekingese, has been crowned as the winner of this year's World's Ugliest Dog competition.

Miriam Margolyes, "Hold my beer."



Everything is so PC nowadays you can't even say black paint.
It's still better than 'Oi nigger, get that wall painted'



As I am a bit of a messy eater my Mum was really pleased with me this morning because I didn’t spill my yoghurt.

She won’t be so pleased though when she has to change my sheets later.


Wayne Rooney thinks 50 Shades Of Grey is a mail-order bride service


Vera Lynn got so much attention that she overshadowed her plucky younger sister, Amanda.


Jay Slater should change his name to Days Later.



No matter how enraged Germaine Greer gets,
she’ll never be as irate as her sister, Anne


Three things I learned whilst fucking Taylor Swift.
1. She has a tight pussy with no pubes.
2. Her tits are perfectly formed with nice nipples.
3. The staff at Madame Tussuads are really quick at calling the police.


From now, the Dutch football team will be known as the All-blacks rather than the Orange men


A black man goes into a Chinese takeaway and says, "Yo sup, my chink?"


England were 'awful, sloppy, fatigued, lifeless and tepid' against Denmark, say the pundits.

It was like watching the Kardashians.



2 Muslims in a bath, one says to the other
"Keep paddling, I can see England ''



Screwfix my arse.

They wouldn't even look at the rounded head on mine.


I'm a big fan of Chubby Checker.

Or 'Weightwatchers' as they now insist on calling it.


Gary Lineker
Gary Southgate
Gary Neville

Why the fuck are they always called Gary?

[Piper]

$5.00 for petrol and $6.00
for diesel.
Somebody needs to tell
Pride Month to chill.
Not all of us like getting
fucked in the arse.

[Bikkie]

What do you call 23 men watching the Euros 2024?

The Scotland National Team...



Gareth Southgate is the kind of guy who would wear a life jacket when using a rowing machine.



Not seen our new neighbours who moved in today while I was at work.

But just heard one of the kids shout Dad, so at least I know they aren't black


A patient with his GP:
- What's the difference between an anal and an oral thermometer?
The doc answers:
- The flavour, my good man, the flavour...




I went on a killing spree earlier today.

For like 15 minutes I was screaming "NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER..."


We've been trying for children for the past ten years without success. Finally, out of pure frustration, my wife suggested that we might try IVF.

Personally, I don't see how buying some uniforms and guns and moving to Israel is going to help at all.



UK's richest family, the Hindujas, are worth £37bn but bring in domestic servants from India, confiscating their passports and paying them just £6.19 A DAY.

Well, you have to look after your family.


At the Doctor's surgery, they have a sign that states, 'Lost Property. Ask at reception for lost property.'

I did and they got all funny with me.

Apparently, it has to be mine originally.


Gareth Southgate is the kind of guy who wears a condom even after a vasectomy


Rappers spend thousands of dollars on grillz to make their teeth gold.

Jokes on them, I got golden teeth for free by not brushing!

Naked swimmers mark Australia's winter solstice. The swim in the River Derwent in Hobart took place at the crack of dawn.


I dropped a £10 note while out shopping this morning...
Before I could pick it up, it blew off down the road...

I chased after it, but couldn't catch it, still, I had a good run for my money!


Trains overheating in Britain bemuse me, they still run in India with an extra 2000 body weight.



I have found the fastest way to evacuate any crowd.

Simply yell at the top of your lungs "Allahu Akbar!"



I was in the shower at the gymnasium and when I came out, some idiot had stolen my trainers and hi visibility jacket! I have one thing to say to that lowlife…… you can run, but you can’t hide!!


What's black and doesn't work?

Half of Gareth Southgate's selections.

What's white and doesn't work?

The other half.




A 91 year old woman is in the news because she has taken up belly dancing.

Which is unusual because 91 year old women normally prefer hip op.


Taylor Swift fan furious after being sold £700 VIP ticket with obstructed view at Wembley Stadium.

I'd pay more than that to have my view obstructed,

[Piper]

"Just bought a new 65" HD all singing
all dancing TV.Can't believe how realistic
the picture is.
In fact it's that realistic when England
play tonight I'll probably be able to
smell shit."

[Bikkie]

At the start of the Euros i tried to think which country was going to win. Every night in my dreams the same team came to me. I had GEORGIA ON MY MIND



Pretty sure the England team could make a killing by sponsoring fertilizer companies.



Nice to see Australia is still accepting criminals who are not wanted anywhere else in the world!




Little Johnny arrived home from school with a note from the teacher for his mother. She read the note and sighed.

"Really Johnny. Swearing in class. Your father will have to deal with this."

Later on Little Johnny is with his father.

"What this I hear about you swearing in school?" he growled.
"Well I'll tell you what happened," Little Johnny said. "I was asked what nine plus seven was and I said sixteen."
"That's right," said his father.
"Then I was asked what seven and nine equals."
"What's the fucking difference?" asked his father.

"That's just what I said," replied Little Johnny.



I'm starting a club for minor attracted persons.

So call me if you are attracted to minors or any other classic Morris motor cars.




I did some nude yoga with my girlfriend this morning.

Not a good idea when you have diarrhoea.



Wheelchair rugby is such a fantastic sport. Eighty minutes of fast, hard, competitive action with two teams trying to be the best they can be.

Then the game ends and all the players go to the bar and get completely legless.




Even my mum thought England were shit & she doesn't know anything about football.

A bit like Southgate!



First, to set the scene, an unfortunate denizen of Number 10 awakens at about 2 am in the morning of July 4th. His nightmares continue as waking dreams for a few minutes but soon enough they disappear leaving a terrible ear worm stuck in his brain

Hello darkness, my old friend
I must avoid you yet again
Because a vision is intensifying
It left it’s soul while I was sleeping
And the vision that exploded in my brain
It still remains
Within the sound of utter failure.

Fools , I screwed it up again
I put a gun against your head
When I called the election,
…and now we’re dead

This ear worm plagues him all day, only to disappear about 5am the following day




Remembrance Day is a Memorial Day observed in Commonwealth member states since the end of the First World War to honour armed forces members who have died in the line of duty. Pride lasts a month. It really makes you think which the greater tragedy is.




Cricket on the radio?

I just can't see the appeal!




Leroy at work turns up on time and never misses a day. He has never been in a gang, doesn't use or take drugs and doesn't carry a knife.
You could say he's the white sheep of the family.

[Piper]

"The Three Lions on the England shirt
are going to be replaced by three
tampons in recognition of the worst
period in the team's history."



"Kim Jong Un and his senior staff, enjoy
something called"pleasure squads"
of women.To serve their every need.
Anytime of the day.
Ya know what,for such a fanatical
communist regime, every now n then...they
get it spot on."

[Piper]

Dry July is going well
so far.
Last night I had a bottle of
dry martini and tonight I'm
having a nice bottle of dry
sauvignon .


My wife says she is going
to do Dry July.
I don't think so,with an sexy
fucker like me walking around
she'll be all wet.

[Bikkie]

It was the moment I'd been dreading, my daughter was going to introduce me me to her new coloured boyfriend, I was surprised, he was well dressed, groomed and very well spoken,

"Hello Sir, " he said, "my name is Calvin, and I'm so very honoured to meet you, your beautiful daughter cannot speak highly enough of you. "

"Well Calvin, " I said, "I have to admit I'm so very surprised, I was concerned when my daughter told me she was dating a ni, sorry, I mean a coloured chap, but here you are, articulate, polite, intelligent, and well turned out, not a bit like your stereotype.
"
"Well thank you so much sir, " he replied, "it's amazing what a good prison education has done for me. "




Emma Raducanu, born in Canada to a Romanian father and Chinese mother.

Come on Emma, stop being a narcissistic precious loser and show us some of your good old British stiff upper lip.

Oh! hang on a minute.



My mate is on a mission to fuck a woman from every town in Greater Manchester. So far, he's done Bolton, Salford, Rochdale, Wigan and in one extreme case, Upper Ramsbottom.




Name?
Linda De Sousa Abreu
Occupation?
Screw in Wandsworth Prison
...
I said occupation, not favourite pastime!



I need feminism to remind me that if I find a woman attractive I am sexually objectifying her but if I don't find her attractive I am a shallow man that only cares about looks.




Walking into the pub I was greeted by this huge American tourist.

Her: If you can guess what I have in my hand I’ll fuck you.

Me, disgusted: A piano?

Her: Close enough.

[Bikkie]

Choosing who to vote for in the General Election is like having to choose a sexually transmitted disease. They're all unpleasant and some are nastier than others, but you really don't want any of them.




July 4th 2024
.....and the condemned man had a hearty meal.
Wa it a bacon and tomato sarnie .




In a tense meeting to try and force Biden to step down, leading Democratic governors said to him, "Seeing THAT debate can't be erased out of people's brains"

His wife Jill laughed and said, "No, that's what the covid microchip was implanted for."



It's unfair to compare the English men's and women's international football teams. More power, more strength, more skill.

And in time I'm pretty sure the men will catch up.




I wish they'd stop this "first past the post" system..

No wonder my horse never wins.



A drunk stumbling through the woods comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He walks out into the water and bumps into the preacher. Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk answers, “Yes, I am.” So, the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water, pulls him up and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.” The preacher, shocked at his answer, dunks him again, a little longer this time. Pulling him out of the water again, he asks, “Now, have you found Jesus, my brother?”
The drunk again answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.” By this time the preacher, at his wits end, dunks him again – this time holding him down until he begins kicking his arms and legs. Then he pulls him up. The preacher again asks, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”
After first wiping his eyes and catching his breath, the drunk asks the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”




My nan's been doing yoga since she was a girl and can get her feet behind her head.

She can blow the dust off it herself.




Women's football is a lot like sex.

It all ends in tears when someone scores in the wrong goal.




That woman must be a lesbian.

She just walked away when I approached her with my chat-up line of choice: "Hello baby, I've got a very big dick."

[Piper]

Why is sexual activity
with Muslim women like
a drawing of the prophet
Muhammad?
It's always better to rub
one out


"I worn you",I said to the
prosititute,"I like sex to be
rough."
"Don't worry," she sighed,
"I'm prepared anything
You've got."
"Great," I replied,as I
slipped on my sandpaper
condom.


If you ask me solar power
is the way forward.But it
won't happen overnight.


What do you say to a
Chinese Nazi choir?
"Sing Higher!"


"I am" is reportedly the
shortest sentence in the
English language.
And "I do" is the longest
sentence.



I've just seen Enter The
Dragon for the first time.
That Dane Bowers
deserves a fucking medal.


I always pay for things
using tactless.
Do you mean contactless?
No I pay cash and tell
them they're ugly.


"Apparently,Any Murray had to pull out
of his doubles date with Emma due to
'stiffness in his right wrist '.Never mind Andy,
we've all been there."


"Emma Raducanu withdrew from the
Wimbledon doubles match because of
'stiffness in her right wrist '.I am
devastated;I have been watching her
closely on TV.Amazing coincidence about
the wrist though."


"After withdrawing from the mixed doubles,
we will never know if Och Aye the Noo
Raducanu would have made it as a tennis
chant "


"Emma Raducanu has reached the last 16.
The semis are a definite possibility."


"Joke Biden under fire for completely
ignoring a black lady he was supposed to
greet in the front row of a rally in Wisconsin.
He made it worse after apologising
and said,"sorry,all I saw were eyes
and teeth!!"


"Was accused of being racist the other day.
said, I'm not racist, racism is a crime and
crime is what black people do."


"The women's trophy for winning Wimbledon
is essentially just a plate, just to remind
them what they should be doing instead of
playing tennis."


"Whoppi Goldberg said in the USA she'll
"still support Biden even if he takes a shit in
history pants "
What does she mean "If" ?"

[Kb2020dope]

I've got something that's 9 inches long and let's me get any woman I want


.....MY KNIFE!

[Piper]

"Just heard a TV commentator say about
Southgate,"He's got a winnit" surely that's
a very personal thing to tell all and sundry
and how the fuck does he know anyway?"


"Dyson just let go 1,000 workers,Fuck! That
must suck."


The waiter was taking our plates away
when he noticed the two uneaten slices of
Pizza.
"Do you wanna box for those?"
"Yeah,C'mon then you cunt, outside now "


"Novak Djokovic warns disrespectful
Wimbledon crowd for booing him
Nothing personal,Novak.It's just you're
a cunt "


At the marriage of my daughter to her
useless black boyfriend,she was upset
because all I presented her with as a
wedding gift was a Stephen king book.
Especially as the title was,"You Like It
Darker "

[Piper]

I've got something that's 9 inches long and let's me get any woman I want


.....MY KNIFE!
I just use my cock :)

[Dean]

I just use my cock :)

What about the other 6 inches??

[Bikkie]

I told my wife that it's hard for me to get used to these changing times.

I can recall a time when the air was clean and sex was dirty...



If I won the lottery I'd make sure no one around me would be poor.

I'd move to a wealthy area.



Putting.

Jamaican for golf club.




"What was the score in the Euros semi-final between England and Holland, Harry?"

"We won 2-1."

"So, it wasn't a bridge too far?"

"No Meghan."




TOP TIP: Foreign leaders & diplomats. Bring unity and togetherness in an instant to the Middle East by each turning up with a packet of bacon




I Met this girl in a club last night.
I said "Do you like cocktails?".
She said "I don't know, tell me one"




BBC website headline "Man caught smuggling 100 snakes in his trousers".

You can tell it must be in China, where the trouser snakes are particularly small.




Samsung have launched the world's first smart ting.

My girlfriend''s ring smarts everytime I screw her in the ass,




Peter Shilton: I'm disappointed that a family club like my old club Leicester have bookmakers for sponsors.

Remember when football was a real man's game and players like Peter Shilton were caught over the limit fucking someone else's wife in the back of a car, trying to put them in the 'family club'?.



As usual, England only likes niggers when they help the team win.




-Sex and Shit-Women-View Post
I told my wife,

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."




How does a black person give up smoking?


They use Niggatine patches





The last time I saw three Bushey women, I had organic dental floss for a month.



"What's the most spiteful mean thing you ever said to anybody to cause them as much pain and suffering you could?" I asked my wife.


"I do, " She replied.




Biden challenged Trump to the debate they had, with a video saying, "Go ahead Donald, make my day !"

Unfortunately for Biden he didn't come out as Dirty Harry, but as Dirty Diaper."




Philip Schofield's taking me out for a burger!

Five Guys?

No just me




I was wondering how all these poor different-gender fuckers shave.

Razors are only made for men or women.




'You can't take it with you when you go.'

Fucking Customs officers spoil all my fun.




FOMO in the Fear Of Missing Out.

I identify as FOMOsexual.




This child asked what year I was born and I said 1968.

She said that's not a real year, years start with 20.



The doctor asked me “Do you experience any signs of paranoia?”

I said “No. Why? Who told you to ask that??”




Biden and Kamelface Harris held a rally to try and show how much smarter liberals are than Trump supporters. They called a lady up on stage and to try and prove this asked her "What's 9 x 7," and laughed that Trump supporters wouldn't get the answer right.

She replied 97... Harris replied, "Uh, ok, let her try again with something easier.... What'ts 14 +14 ?"

The lady replied 1414.

"Uh ok," said Harris, "One more try... .what's 2 + 2 ?"

"4", the lady replied, as the crowd shouted, "Come on, let her try again !"




Prince Andrew to become patron of the Westminster Youth String Ensemble.

Or the Soho Kiddy Fiddlers, as they're more commonly known.

[Piper]

What about the other 6 inches??
Yeah,that's when it's fully erect :)

[Piper]

"Trump almost shot dead today.That
Baldwin didn't take long to get back into it."


"Multiple gun shots at Trump rally.
That was less shots on target than Harry
Kane."


"When you order Lee Harvey Oswald from
Temu."


I have nothing but contempt for the
would-be assassin who shot Donald
Trump.
How useless do you have to be to miss that
fat cunt?"


"My word those lefty lunatics are so bent
They can't even shoot straight."


Donald DUCK!"


"Everybody will remember what they were
doing the exact moment they heard Donald
Trump was shot.
Masturbating."


Donald Trump is stable after being shot by a
Dana2.2...judging by his hair red is the new
orange...Joe Biden has sent his condolences
to Barack Obama and her family.


I don't think Trump shitting himself can be
classed as an injury.


I see that they finally got shot of Trump.


Obviously it wasn't Alec Baldwin at that rally
We all know Baldwin doesn't miss


"I told you those shots were ineffective."
Donald Trump 2024.


Candidate Trump shot and grazed onstage at a
rally.Biden and the White House to be briefed
on the incident.
"No need,we already knew..."


Alec Baldwin quote.
"Now I'm free I might go to a Trump rally... it's
worth a shot.


Donald Trump drops to the ground after being
shot in the ear at political rally.
He was trying to grab a small child to use as a
shield.


Trump has been hit on the ear by a bullet.
Missing his brain by about 3 feet


Just heard from Biden
Putins been shot.

[Bikkie]

Donald Trump had more shots at him than the Spanish goalkeeper




Plot for Columbia:

Main character is an ex-president who needs a stunt to get reelected.

So he gets a sniper to shoot him in the ear. To avoid him pinning it on the ex-president, the secret service are instructed to kill the shooter before he can talk.

But the plot goes wrong when a member of the public tells the police about the shooter.

Motive: the ex-president to get reelexted to pardon himself from all crimes.

Will the plot work - or is it just a joke?




Joe Biden press-conference latest:


"I'm so sorry Judd Trump was shot. And I hope he's back up and on the bowling green real soon"




Who is Trumps favourite Disney character?


Donald. Duck.



I'm not surprised Donald Trump survived that assassination attempt. That guy should have listened to me when I told him to use kryptonite bullets.



A nurse who told Donald Trump to “keep up the good work” of his recovery:

Trump replied: “You mean this may happen several more times?”



My wife makes me feel like a President.

I get it in the ear every fucking night.



Anyone for a game of Top Trump?



On the topic of trump almost being assassinated

Nobody has been this disappointed by 2 inches since stormy




Donald the Red-Eared President
Had a very bloody ear...




I'm shocked someone shot at Trump and wounded him.

Americans usually have better aim than that



Former President Trump plans to wear short sleeved shirts and no jacket at future rallies to demonstrate that, despite the assassination attempt, he remains committed to the right to bare arms.




I heard Trump put Heinz tomato ketchup on his ear when he dropped after being shot.

Biden would've used Branston Pickle.




Trump has arranged a hasty appointment with his plastic surgeon.

"I'm all ears" said the doc



Make America Graze Again




Addressing the attempted assassination of Donald Trump, Joe Biden stated in a press conference today, "There's no place in America for this".

Obviously the senile old goat hasn't been around any American classrooms in a long time.



My mate went to a Trump rally
and all I got was this bloody T shirt



One of Trumps old girlfriends is a sniper.' Trump Said I'm pretty sure she loves me. You know how I know?
She said she missed me




If you hold a bullet next to your ear, it makes a sound like an election being rigged




Trump will be off the front pages in a few hrs




How terrible that Donald Trump is the latest victim of political violence and easy firearms access in the USA.

What did he do to deserve this?




Someone tried to assassinate Donald Trump.

Aimed for his head, but only got the extreme right wing.




What's stormy Daniels and Trump got in common??

They've both had men shoot loads on their faces..!



Who else suspects the past posts on the Trump shooters Twitter account has at least 10 Ukraine flags, 50 lgbtqia2s+ references, something showing their support for Hamas, and a whole mass of pronouns in them?



NEWS FLASH!
TRUMP HAS LOAD SHOT IN HIM!
HE'II HAVE TO GET USED TO THAT,WHEN HE IS IN PRISON?




TRUMPS WIFE HAS JUST RELEASED A NEW SINGLE?
IT'S AN OLD CHER HIT!
BANG! BANG!,I SHOT MY BABY DOWN, BANG! BANG!




Joe Biden speaks to press and alerts them that Donald Trump was shot in the ear.
As he left a reporter yelled "What ear is it?" and Biden replied "2024 spltrddedhhhhg"




Trump suspects:

100% conversion rate - ruled out Alec Baldwin
1 in 3 conversion rate - potential the McCanns
1 in 8 conversion rate - high probability Darwin Nunez



NEWS FLASH!
DONALD TRUMP HAS BEEN SHOT!
THERE IS NO TRUTH,HOWEVER IN THE RUMOUR,THAT MARK CHAPMAN WAS OUT ON DAY RELEASE?



Donald Trump has just released his new slogan: EAR WE GO! EAR WE GO! EAR WE GO!




Trump supporter claims he saw a man with a RIFLE hiding on the roof just outside Trump rally and would have warned cops.

But the constitution says the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.



My wife said that some shots were fired during a rally.

I thought, fuck me, Wimbledon just got a little bit interesting.




Doctors say the bullet that hit Trump has narrowly missed his bone-spurs by about 5 miles.



Surely Donald Trump is way too old to get his ear pierced?



Repost. Cheated off the page by the usual prick.

If Trump is returned to power, then he should pass laws that make in mandatory that all citizens should be taught how to shoot straight.



Do hitmen give refunds for failed assassinations?
Asking for a friend,.

Melania Trump



Trump got a clip around the ear




Mikw Tyson found the missing piece of Donald trump's ear.... He said"apart from a few hairs it tasted just as good as Holyfields.




A full description of Trump's attempted assassin has been released: He/she was wearing a 'be kind' t-shirt and a rainbow badge



Watching the news this morning, I’m so conflicted.

Up until now, I really thought that America should be banning guns.




It turns out that lefties who want to ban guns in the US have a shit aim.




The assassin in the presidential elections also tried to shoot Donald's family members.

He was playing Top Trumps.



American police have confirmed they are looking for someone who can't hit an open target from close range. I hope Harry Kane has got a good alibi for last night!



Breaking News: Trump saved when bullet ricochets off his hairspray,



President, Joe Biden, has condemned the assassination attempt on Donald Trump.

He said, "I should have just done it myself"



Poor Melania. This isn't the first time she has been disappointed by a couple of inches.



One entertaining bit of tv where Donald Trump didn't do the firing



My word; these lefty lunatics are so bent they can’t even shoot straight 🤣




Stand with Trump...........just don't stand behind him!




In line with the Gun Lobby, Chinese residents steal more pistols and rifles than any other.



KATY PRICE WALKS INTO A BAR.
BARMAN SAYS, "YES MADAM CAN I HELP YOU ?"
"CAN YOU RECOMMEND A COCKTAIL"?,ASKED KATY"
THE BARMAN THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT,THEN REPLIED,"HARVEY WALLBANGER ALRIGHT?"
YES THANKS, SHE REPLIED."HE'S AT HOME TUCKED UP IN BE,NOW,WHAT ABOUT THE COCKTAIL!



The wife's promised me sex if England beat Spain tonight.

Come on, Spain!



Why do you never see black people on house alarm adverts?

Because they've already scarpered with the loot.




If Porn Stars get paid for having sex.

Can I claim a rebate?.



As soon as Nacho came on for Spain.
It was guaranteed that tacos and paella would be flavour of the day.



I can see the Spanish headlines now.

English fans take frustrations out on Spanish fans outside English bar in tennerife.




Tottenham Hotspur have said they'd give their trophy cabinet to charity for an England win tonight.

Another empty promise to their fans.




If England beat Spain it will be because of immigration.

If England lose, it will be because England is racist.

(Twitter)



Novak Djokovic lost his second Wimbledon final in a row to the same opponent.

No escape from Alcaraz.

[Piper]

An incredibly rare spade-toothed whale has
been found beached in New Zealand.
They are easily identified by their gold
crowns


What's the difference between Katie Price
and Donald Trump?
Donald has only been shot in the face once


Southgate's gone

Apparently he passed his resignation letter
to Bellingham who passed it sideways to
Foden,who passed it sideways to Saka,who
passed it back Kane who passed it back to
Pickford and he handed it to the FA.

[Piper]

"BREAKING: The UK has accused a North
Korean cyber terrorist of trying to steal
military secrets.
The alleged hackers' name is Mi Hak Yu "


"A guy at work is nicknamed The
Olympic Flame.
Because he never goes out."


"What's the difference between
a clown and Katie Price?
A clown only takes three cream
pies."


"Dublin wax museum removes figure
of Sinead O'Connor after criticism it
did not look like her "
Nothing compares 2 U?"


"The 2024 Paris Olympic ceremony
It's in seine."


"The French put Olympic flag upside
down it won't matter with their national
flag being white."


"Not seen this many trannies on the
Seine,um,2024"


"A diver was hospitalised after sticking his
cock into a giant shellfish off Hawaii.
He now has clamydia."


"An ally of Vladimir Putin says Russian
missiles can 'destory British civilization.'
No need mate, Rupert Murdoch and
Margaret Thatcher beat you to it years
ago "


"Prince Harry claims Meghan Markle
will be ATTACKED by KNIFE OR ACID in UK?"
Or even worse ignored."


"I bought some African coffee with the black
bits taken out.
It's dekaffanated."

[Piper]

Snoop Dogg carries the Olympic spliff.

[Piper]

It's going to take some balls to win
the women's boxing gold


"So everyone is going on about the female
Algerian boxer's sexual identity.
Sorry.But I've just watched the rowing.
Eight women and their cox? Come on!"


"The British Women's rowing eight has
a male Cox.
Had a great wank watching the final, being
told when to stroke."


"Over the weekend at a Kamala Harris rally.
A woman took off her top and revealed
anti-Trump messages.
Witnesses say she made two good
points..."


"The left: "Donald Trump is a RACIST"
The Right: "We know, that's why we
LOVE him "


Apparently Snoop Dogg stole the show
at the Olympic dressage.
No further comment,muld."

[Piper]

"They could solve all the issues with trans
women boxers at the Olympics
by allowing women to punch below
the belt "


"BBC news just in,
5 pieces of food packaging to avoid
Who the fuck is out there eating
the packaging."


"Surprisingly few rainbow flags amongst
the rioters.
They normally turn up for any sort
of protest."


"I've just booked a cheap stay in a Rotherham
Hotel
The Windows Inn."

[Piper]

I think it's going to take some balls to win
tonight's 38m Lotto jackpot.


"Storm Debby is blowing in Florida.Normally
Debbie does Dallas."


"Gwen Dickey recently moved into the
house that was owned by Kurt Cobain's Ex
People keep knocking on her door asking
for Courtney.She got really annoyed so
she's now put a sign in the window "Love Don't
Live here and more"


"Leonard Da Vinci was in the boozer with
history mates chatting about all the birds
he'd fingered last week.
He said he really loved the squealer Carla,
but his favourite was the moaner Lisa."


'Trump to DEPORT Meghan and Harry
if he wins the presidency.
Finally,a reason to vote for Kamala."


"They say it's better a Mini that's
done a hundred thousand miles,
than a Rolls Royce that has been
stuck in the garage.
Pity I have a Mini that hasn't left
the garage..."


"Rocki Balboa ( with a heart over the "I" )
coming to a cinema soon Rocky identifies
as a woman and tries to qualify for the Los
Angeles Olympic Montage to the tune of
the Japs eye of the tiger to feature Rocki
talking too much, hitting the sales
and sitting on a bus whilst Clubber Lang
mansplains how to do his nails and still
fit in boxing gloves, ending in a complex
surgical procedure and a Minor modification
to the statue at the top of the Philly
steps.
Rocki struggles when the priest
refuses to bless him before the fight but
Adrian comes to the rescue with matching
bag
and shoes "


"Trans boxers from Muslim countries
have an additional advantage over
female competitors, because they
know how to make the most of a
he-jab."


"The Somailan team have just been
expelled from the Olympics
for not realising that sailing and
shooting were two separate
events "


"Back in my youth,Trans World Sport
was a very different show."


"Referee warns Olympic women's boxing
finalists not to punch each other in the
testicles."


"Nothing makes me feel sexier than
overpaying for a leather jacket.
Tom Cruise Paris Olympic 2024..."

[Bikkie]

Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste, dies at 74
Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste, dies at 74
Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste, dies at 74
Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste, dies at 74
Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste, dies at 74
Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste, dies at 74
Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste, dies at 74
Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste, dies at 74
Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste, dies at 74
Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste, dies at 74
Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste, dies at 74
Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste, dies at 74



Rioting in Belfast over immigration has united Loyalists and republicans.

1920s: "Come out ye black and Tans".
2020s: "Come out ye blacks and tans".



"I want to live in a world where there's only love, no hate; a world where everyone is civil with and supports each other..."

Have these people not seen the Pornhub comment section?




It's getting ridiculous now with this PC woke lefty bullshit, I can't even say Charlie Brown


You're now supposed to say, "Two grams of cocaine please Tyrone"




What the pickpockets stole from Arsenal players during their preseason dinner:

- 46 condoms

- 12 packets of hair gel

- 9 combs

- 7 business cards for abortion clinics

- 6 business cards for escort services

- 5 packets of Viagara

- 4 grams of coke

- 3 shivs

- 2 brass knuckles

- 1 nipple clamp



Paddy: They should kick all these immigrants out of the country.

Murphy: Weren't your ancestors immigrants?

Paddy: Yes.

Murphy: Maybe we should kick them out, too.




My car engine is making a noise

It keeps going, "Qué? I know nothing. Qué? I know nothing"

Should've got one in automatic, not Manuel




Olympic Pole Fault

All in all it’s just another prick in the vault.

The French lose second Battle of the Bulge.

Once again, man fails at keeping it, “just the tip.”

While in France, you must try the Coq au Vin.

Is it true how you lost? Oui-Oui.

Frenchman gets cock blocked.

Olympian loses match, gains 2 million Only Fans subscribers.

Le Grand Boner.

French Shafted again.

Epic fall in Friday’s Cock Exchange.

Done in by a Jumbo Franc.

Monsieur Forgottotuck.

King Richard the Second makes Olympic appearance.

Pole vaulter self disqualifies by using unsanctioned pole.

Another dick at the bar ruins the party.

Root cause for failure.

The higher the leap, the harder it is.

Jump Lump Stump.

French pole vaulter signs deal with overstock.com.

Skunked by Junk.

French Olympian wins “most popular” in Olympic Village.




t's amazing that Muslim men are so good at grooming considering that the most basic element of any grooming regime is washing.



I was rimming this bird and I said "Christ, my tongue is burning!"
She said
"yeah, that's my peri-perineum"



Break dancing at the Olympics?!.

Narrowly edged out Bingo as a spectator sport.



A man once told me that knowledge is power

Then he told me that power corrupts



What do you call a white slave?

Whipped cream





An Irish bloke goes for an interview on a building site and the foreman decides to see how thick he is.
He says -"what's the difference between a girder and a joist?"
Paddy thinks for a moment and says "girder wrote Faust and joist wrote Ulysses"




A 4th grade teacher was asking her students what type of work their fathers do. She got the usual responses, salesmen, office managers, doctors, engineers, construction workers, etc..However little Johnny was very quiet, so when the teacher asked him, he said, "My Dad is an exotic dancer at a gay night club and takes his clothes off in front of other men and they put money in his thong and sometimes he goes home and has sex with some of the customers if the price is right". The teacher was visibly shaken by this response and took Johnny outside and asked, " Is that really true what you just said?". Johnny said, "No, he actually works for the Republican National Conference and is trying to get Donald Trump re-elected. I'm just too ashamed and embarrassed to say that in front of the other students"



Mick bursts into the Benefits Office and says,
"I've been ringing 08001730, for three days now and nobody answers!"
The receptionist replies,
"Those are our opening hours".




King Charles is in two minds about hosting a state banquet for Korea.

On the plus side, it's an opportunity to off-load some of his mum's old corgis.
On the downside, he's worried he might be on the menu.

[Piper]

"The only time you should ever struggle
with the definition of a woman is when
You're judging a female bodybuilding
competition."


"I accidentally clicked on a pop-up that
said I'd won free tickets to see Adele in
Las Vegas.
Thank fuck all I got was a virus."


Butler: "The Class of 92" is on sir"

Prince Andrew: "Bollocks.Pass me
the chequebook."


"Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it finally accepted it would never
escape the stereotype."


"Some people drink deeply from the well
of knowledge.
Some just rinse and spit "


"What's the hardest part about having sex
with a Monkey?
Trying to stop it peeling your dick before it
sucks you off "


"I've just had a wank over a Minion
Despicable me!!"


"My drug addiction took me to some dark
places
Brixton, Lewisham,Toxteth,Chapeltown
and St.Paul's to name but a few."


"I just passed by a dentist that only do dogs,
so I got him to do my canines."


"Smirking.

People from the north think this involves
cigarettes."

[Bikkie]

I was at a swingers party in Paris recently. When I drew my keys from the bowl, there were two sets in it, and I was the only bloke left. The organiser said "you're in luck, you'll have to take them both."

"Really??" I smiled.

"Yes," he replied. "And it gets even better! They're both top sportswomen!!"

"You're kidding me," I said in disbelief.

"No, honestly," he replied. "They've both just won Olympic Gold in the Women's Boxing."




Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girlfriend?
You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.




It is recommended that a bottle of spirits should last two weeks per person.

Recommended by square killjoy cunts.




I'm not saying my new girlfriend's led a sheltered life.

But she thinks having a sex drive is a going on a trip to a dogging site.



Jermaine, all you had to do was ask Ronan Keating for a lend of his phone.

Hardly difficult.



The wife's heavily involved in the second-hand sex toy business.

It's costing me a fucking fortune.



A queer man walks into a country bar and says, 'Just to let everyone know, I'm queer but won't hit on anyone. I just like folk music.' The bartender says it's fine and the bloke stays.
The next day the same bloke comes back with another bloke and says, 'This is my brother. I just want everyone to know we're both queer but won't hit on anyone.' We just like folk music.' The bartender says it's fine and there's nothing to worry about and both blokes stay.
The next day the bloke comes back again. This time he's got even more men with him and says, 'These are my cousins and brother. I just want everyone to know we're all queer but won't hit on anyone. We just like folk music.'
The bartender says it's really, really, really fine. Still, he finally gets curious and probes, 'Oi, doesn't anyone in your family like women?'
The queer man replies, 'Yes, but she doesn't like folk music.




What's the true definition of misogyny?


Women who hate eachother




Sexual health experts say you need to change a condom after 35 minutes.

Does that include the 30 minutes needed to find someone?




Why are people suddenly fearful of AI?. For years, most organisations I deal with have employed AI:

An Idiot.




Barack Obama informed the world at Kamala's Coronation that "Donald Trump is small in the pants"

Of course, with the size of Michelle's horse cock, everyone else's is going to look small.




"Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on two legs?"
"Ooo I don't know son"
"Mickey mouse"
"Ahhh good one, son"
"OK, son, what kind of duck can walk on two legs?"
"Ha ha Donald duck?"
"No all of them you little fucking idiot!"

"I love you dad"
"...."



I now identify as a Dwarf.

My pronouns are Hi/Ho.



Taylor Swift has smashed Michael Jackson's 35 year old record.

Blimey, how many kids did she have to molest?


Taylor Swift has smashed Michael Jackson's 35 year old record.

Well, I beat her to it!

Used my copy of 'Bad' as a frisbee back in 2022.





My teenage daughter has just got ready to go out at 4pm in the afternoon. She has a very low cut top on with no bra, her tits are bouncing all over the place, a skirt so short her arse is on display with tiniest thong you can imagine to be clearly seen, five inch fuck me shoes and a proper sexy pair of stockings,

"Failed your exams? " I asked,

"Yes, " she replied, "just off out to work. "




What do you get when you cross country music with rap?
Crap



My boss called me all angry and asked, "Where are you?". I said, "I'm here at work but you can't see me because I identify as 'TransParent', my pronouns are Who/Where"

[Piper]

1666, August 31st Samuel
Pepys sits in a coffee
shop near the Exchange
in London, bemoaning the
price of his favourite drink.
As he drinks he ruminates
over the last couple of
years and prepares to add
yet another diary entry.

That damned plague
had cost en me fortune,
not only that but I was
imprisoned in my own
home for months at a
time.Food deliveries were
random and often non-
existent.I fear a famine
by Christmastide.Milord
Hyde, Chancellor,wishes
to liberate the felons, to
work them in the fields
and have them ferry the
food to London.
Secretary of State,Bennet,
Earl of Arlington, would
have us guard the borders
against incursion from the
continent.
The economy is virtually
ruined,imports and
exports have drastically
tumbled and I fear a
new tax to resurrect the
country.
Hopefully things can.change.

Two days later they did.

A lesson from history?

[Bikkie]

I met a bloke in a wheelchair today, his face was battered and bruised.

"What happened to your face?" I asked.

"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.

"Boxing?" I enquired.

"No..." he said, "... hurdles."




Elton John is said to be suffering with a severe eye infection.

The brown one, no doubt.



What's the difference between eye mist and eye drops?

You can take the eye mist while driving.




London rejoices as AfD win seat in German parliament and announce plan to send V2 rockets to Westminster.




Just had a circumcision.

There goes 75% of my cock.



My sexual thoughts about Debbie Harry and my hobby of burgling timber merchants go hand in hand


I steal wood




Women with large breasts are generally more successful than men with large breasts.



News: Ofsted will n longer rate schools with one word grades

New grades are reported to be:
1. F**king cool
2. so so
3. Need a kick up the ass
4. F**king crap.

All schools start at crap but they can improve:
1 grade with decent lunch provided to investigators
2 grades with a decent bribe
3. Grades with Access to year 6 girls



Life insurance application.

What do you do for work ?

I hang from 80 story buildings whilst doing plumbing and electrical work.

Sorry sir we cant help you.





Anxiety: Everything is fucking important
Depression: Nothing is fucking important
ADHD: I have no fucking idea what's important




People are so sensitive, you can't even make "that's what she said" jokes anymore.

Got many people offended for some reason for saying "that's what she said" simply to reply to someone saying "no"




32 other countries have a greater life expectancy than the U.S.A.

This is due to obesity, smoking, and guns...




When I got home from my business trip to Leeds the other day, my wife was loading the washing machine. ‘Any whites?’ she asked me. ‘No, they’re all Pakis’ I said.



Oasis plans to make it up to devastated fans after the Ticketmaster fiasco.

Roll with it.




My band "Oasis Secret Show" played a sold out gig last night in front of 500 angry people.



Waiting in the queue for tickets to the oasis concert for over 3 hours,

Then they say sorry you have been removed from the queue due to an error.

I said what am i supposed to do now?

They respond saying,

You gotta roll with it,
you gotta take your time. PS,
Dont look back in anger.



My wife is a massive oasis fan and today I sat on the computer for 10 hours today with Mags waiting in a queue for Oasis tickets and finally at 3 10 in the afternoon we got the notification I'd been waiting to hear.


They'd sold out.





Just listened to 'The Best Of Oasis'.


That's two minutes I'll never get back.



TOP TIP: Save yourself the hassle & expense of getting Oasis tickets by simply standing in your back garden, cover yourself in beer & piss and play Beatles songs through your window




Thank fuck I didn't get Oasis tickets.


They broke up while I was in the queue.




I was one of the lucky ones who didn't get Oasis tickets.




Absolutely buzzing to have picked up 4 Oasis tickets from a guy advertising on Facebook!

Poor bloke got them on early release but can’t go because of his brother’s wedding, money transferred. Let’s go!



Noel Gallagher told a journalist that things will be very different this time round.
"I've learned a fourth chord and Liam won't be allowed a tambourine" he said with his wee slug face.



All these kids coming out of the woodwork to be so-called Oasis fans.

I bet they couldn't even name two flavours.



If I see the one liner
“I said maybeeeeee”
in reference to Oasis tickets going on sale, just one more fkin time…

…c*nts are getting unfriended!



Oasis together again after 15 years?
I've been waiting 25 years for Coldplay to split up !









I've never felt what it's like to have sex as a woman.

Because I'm not.




I was walking down the street with my wife and she suddenly said "look, there's Justin Welby over there at the bust stop, the Archbishop of Canterbury"
I said "nah, it can't be"
She said "go and ask him"
So I went over.
When I came back, she said "well, what did he say ?"
I said "he just told me to fuck off"
My wife said "well, I suppose we'll never know now"



There I was, standing in the lobby at Claridges, when the lift doors opened and out strode a tall, glamorous, familiar looking woman followed by the rotten egg stink of fart methane and a retinue of minions choking on the stench.
"What's going on?" I asked one of them.
She gasped "Taylor's whiffed".



Thanks to female weightlifters, I get to admire the women's snatch, periodically.

These days that's the only legally sanctioned blood sport.




However reluctant we might be, we have to admit the most accomplished man at having sex ever is probably Muslim.

GOAT fucker.




I tried crossing a feline with some punctuation. It was a catastrophe.



I was out on a first date and she said "there's a right hard looking bloke over there by the bar, staring at you"
I said "don't worry, I know how to look after myself" I Ionly eat organic, have a pedicure once a month and always get 9 hours sleep"




What's the difference between me and American clothing?

I don't come in all sizes.



By the year 2043 white people will no longer be the majority in the U.K.

So by 2050 we'll all be saying, "I'm not racist. One of my best friends is white."



Today...
I told my really hot co-worker how I felt...
... and she said she felt the same.

So I turned on the air conditioning.



In a Scottish restaurant I ordered the sausage, gravy and mash.

I couldn't help noticing the sausage tasted odd.

I was getting hints of Buckfast, cigarette ends, heroin, failure, and deep-fried Mars bars.

I asked the waiter, 'What kind of sausage is this?'

He replied, 'Oh, that's our Cumbernauld Sausage.'



Kids today don't do nothing,

They don't even know who Neil Armstrong is,

Never mind the fact he played the trumpet...



My missus has just sat down for a ciggie and a beer in our local beer garden,

"Who are you ringing?" she asked

"Hello, yes police please. "



Some lad attacked me with a bat in the park last night.

To be fair, I was amazed that he had managed to train it so well..




I got into a car accident with a transvestite driver, we are both OK.
It was just a little genderbender.




Help! I've just shat myself and I need to clean my trousers. You got anything?

Detergent?

Course it fucking is !!




I've just seen a video on Instagram of Apollo 17 leaving the moon in 1972.

We know this is fake because Instagram wasn't around in 1972.




Mirror mirror on the wall
Why is my tiny cock so small?

Jeremy Jeremy can't you see
It's because you drive flash cars on TV




Having sex with a dead body is like enjoying a beer.

Sometimes you just want to lay back and open up a cold one




Today, I donated £1000 to an LGBT charity.

I’ll do anything to help them find a cure.




Had sex whilst using a Zimmer frame.

Joined the mile an hour club.




Imagine my disappointment when I watched "Fantastic beasts and where to find them" all the way through,
then I realised It had actually said "Beasts" not "Breasts"



My sex life is like Coca-Cola.

First it was normal, then Light and now Zero.




I watched a film about woke women over-reacting to compliments.

Despicable MeToo




Surely the #metoo movement is fundamentally flawed? Seeing as the subject of the statement is "me" rather than an object, then the correct way to phrase it would be "I too" or #itoo

Come on feminists, if you're going to start narcissistic hashtags, at least get the fucking grammar right



It ain't half hot mum.

What do you expect?

They don't fuck about in the crematorium.

[Piper]

Just visited a horror
theme park dedicated
to Gloria Gaynor. Scary
stuff, I'm ok now but at
first I was afraid,I was
petrified.

( Gloria Gaynor is 80 today )


I've always had an
admiration for bands who
name themselves to Suit
their appearance.Like
Motley Crue,The Specials
and The Misfits.
Oh, and The Floaters....


I went into the bank the
other day.The woman
behind the counter said
"You should be wearing a
mark" so I said,"oh thanks
for reminding me"....Then
I put on my balaclava and
robbed the place.


A large woman was
shopping for shorts in our
local sports shop.
She came out of the
changing room and asked
me."Do these shorts
make my arse look fat?"
I replied,"No-it's the fat
that makes your arse look
fat."


How can you spot
Quinton Crisp in a chip
shop?
He's the one with the
battered sausage in his
mouth.


Once married the woman
takes over the entire
wardrobe
And the man stores
everything he owns in a
shoebox...


A new study suggests that
if a man has his testicles
removed,he lives longer.
In other words, married
guys live longer.


Treated my first night date
to 70's sexual experience
tonight.I shagged her on
the floor....she had Little
Willy by The Suite ...


My wife said I love being
married.
It's so great to find that
one special person you
want to annoy for the rest
of your life.


There was something I
needed to tell my wife, but
I couldn't remember what
it was,so she suggested
retracing my steps to jog
my memory.
Anyway, that's how I
ended up back in her
sister's bedroom.


The wife said to me last
night.
"Think of me a Dolly
Partons tits "
"Pamela Anderson arse."
I said,"Fuck me I wish it was
dark...."


I once used to work at a
slaughterhouse where all
the pigs that clearly had
some feelings like dogs
would get strung up and
strangled by a metal wire
and drained of blood as
they died
All this was fine,but fuck
just one of them up the
arse and the fucking
SPCA get involved.


My boss said,"As part of
our cost-saving drive we're
installing energy-efficient
lights in the toilets.They
work on a motion detector
system.
I replied,"That's all fair and
well,but what if I'm just
going in for a piss?"


I've been married for 20
years.
A ghost is my only hope
of ever experiencing
moaning in the bedroom
again.

[Bikkie]

"No hard feelings."

The best way to forgive a friend.

The worst way to reject a gay guy that's into you.



R.I.P.

James Earl Jones, the voice of Darth Vader, has passed away at the age of 93.

"Welcome to the "Darkside"



The only black man to say "I am your father"




I started my new job as a Bingo Caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers out..
I farted out loudly.
My Boss immediately came over and whispered in my Ear,
"Please don't do that again"..??
"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."
"Fair Enough", he replied,
"But there was no need to hold the Microphone to your Arse".



I've just found the answer at the bottle of a bottle

Best before 6/11/24



The wife's acting suspiciously lately.

I found a tracker in my work bag today.

She's never put a chewy cereal bar manufactured by Mars Incorporated in there before.



I went to the barbers and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise. So he put a big cushion on the chair.




If you're in the countryside & people you don't know say hello, they're being friendly.

If you're in town & people you don't know say hello, they're mentally ill.




Will Jennings, Oscar-winning lyricist of My Heart Will Go On, dies aged 80.

Lying bastard.




Whale alleged to be Russian ‘spy’ died after stick became lodged in its mouth, say Norwegian police.

It was a USB stick.




Pessimist: The glass is half empty.

Optimist: The glass is half full.

Opportunist: Drinks both glasses while the other two are arguing about it.



I have my eye on a flashy property on the coast. Easy to maintain, too. Only a little light housekeeping required.




I know the Royals get a lot of flak but I absolutely love them


The thought of Camilla squatting on a glass table when I'm moments away from the vinegar strokes has practically saved my marriage




There is a proposal to build a new sewage works near me. There is much local opposition, but it will bring a lot of jobs to the area.




I took my clarinet back to the music shop,

"I don't know what it is, " I said, "I can only seem to be able to play one tune on it, Perfect Day, nothing else seems right or in tune. "

"Let's have a look, " said the assistant as he dismantled my clarinet,

"ha, there's the problem, looks like it was fitted with a Lou Reed. "



I was watching blind football at the Paralympics.

It reminded me of watching Man Utd.



Four years ago, teenager Zabihollah arrived in Britain, Coventry, to begin a safer life away from Afghanistan.

Zabihollah said, "There were threatening gangs and fights, youths brandishing knives, no morals or respect".

"I'm heading back to Afghanistan", he added.




Germany's far right party leader, Bjorn Hocke, is so fascist, his pronouns are Him/Ler.



Being an ugly fucker, my mate couldn't understand how beautiful women were so easily attracted to me,

"How do you do it?" he asked.

"It's this after shave I made, here " I said, " smell this. "

He sniffed the sample and exclaimed, "Fuck me, it smells like fifty pound notes. "



Every pothole starts small...
after being ran over by many different cars it grows...
and soon the cars will start avoiding it.

The same rule applies to vaginas.



"I was reading yesterday that the finger isn't a good test for prostate cancer."

"Zip yourself back up Doc. I'm not falling for that one again."




We went to my son's graduation and the family sitting next to us had a 100 year old man in uniform and in a wheelchair who stormed the beaches of Normandy.

The school's speaker started off, "Today, we recognize the most exceptional bravery.... an incredible 8 boys showed up here today bravely wearing dresses and panties under their robes."



"I ordered a "deep shawarma bowl" and this is more of a plate than a bowl. This is blatant false advertising and I want a refund."

"It is not false advertising sir. Deep is the Indian who prepared it for you."




Acupuncture. What’s the point?



True story.

One morning I got to work to find my boss warming her feet on a radiator next to her desk. When I said hello, she used her feet to swivel her chair around and return the greeting.

I said it looked like such a Bond villain move that I half-expected her to be stroking a hairless cat.

She said, "I'll have to make sure I'm prepared for that in future."

I said, "... by shaving your pussy?"



Your favourite Oasis song tells a lot about you.
For example, if you have a favourite Oasis song you probably have bad taste in music.



I was watching some vintage porn earlier when suddenly my wife walked in.
That was a shock. I didn't even know she used to be in the porn industry.




I'm going to see my favourite MC at the weekend.

MC Donald's.

[Piper]

I was just out playing golf with Trump there
in Florida.
I think he misunderstood me when I said
"Your shot next."

[Bikkie]

I know hitting women is a bad thing..

I break a controller on every console I've ever owned

And I love games.

Credit : lemaire lee




If you're trying to cut into beef but you miss it then that's a mistake.



Scientists say that pubs replacing pints of beer with 2/3 pints could have a positive impact on public health.

I don't see how buying 4/3 pints every time I go to the bar is likely to do my liver any good.



Aston Villa are playing “young boys” at Wankdorf stadium this evening.

You couldn’t make it up.
These jokes sometimes write themselves.



I was asked if i wanted to to join a naked jogging group It's when u jog without headphones without ur phone and without ur fitness watch I wish they had told me earlier




🎵🎵🎵🎵 (Cool for Cats)
Haitian immigration to the US on the rise
With open borders "virtue" it should not be a surprise
To all you good Americans who feel financial squeeze
They're coming for your pets like the Koreans and Chinese
And you're the last ones your left-wing government will appease
So maybe it really is time to brandish baseball bats
Because, all things considered, it does not look cool for cats...



All those rifles in America and not one fucker can shoot straight.




Until they named him, I assumed the would be Trump assassin was Kevin Spacey

He's another one who's terrible at concealing his weapon in a load of bushes




A company wants to help army wives by giving them sex toys that can be controlled by their husbands deployed overseas.

Working nickname for the device—"The Drone Bone."




My dad's motto was, 'One out, all out.'

Great union rep.

Shit dentist.



I've cut down on my drinking...

now only have one vodka before going to bed.

Last night I went to bed eight times.



Donald Trump is safe following an apparent assassination attempt at his Florida golf course, from a man with a rifle.

You'd think he'd keep away from ranges.



Americans don't mess about when it comes to golf etiquette.
Attempting a shot out of bounds and claiming it's from the rough results in the FBI being called.
Nothing in the rules to say you can't have an AK-47 in the bag, so assuming he hadn't paid his green fees.




Donald Trump is quite a fan of the occasional conspiracy theory

So I'm not surprised he's refused his second booster shot.




I discovered a tiny space in a Scotsmans loft, where he was keeping whisky miniatures, I thought this is a little dram-attic.



I got my wife a bowling ball for her birthday,

"The holes are too big and my fingers fall out, " she said.

"Yeah, " I replied, now you know how I feel. "




How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?

One of the many questions I should have asked before buying a lighthouse.



It's no wonder people think I'm a maverick taking drugs while flying planes.

I'm on the high way to the danger zone.



Me at 16: This radio station is playing my favorite song.

Me at 21: This bar is playing my favorite song.

Me now: This grocery store is playing my favorite song.




It's 2024 the international space station is 250 miles from earth and they can't manage to get two astronauts home.

However, 55 years ago in 1969 my generation managed to fly men to to moon, which by the way is 24,000 miles away, walk on it and fly back no problem.

What happened ?




Who is Sam Smith's favourite ex-footballer?

Steve McThemathem.



What's better than finding 3 black men in a barrel?

Finding 1 black man in 3 barrels.

You rhought it was going to be a racist joke.



Jay Blades charged with coercive & controlling behaviour


Well he must be innocent cos he's never asked me to do anything



On tonight's tv, repair shop where we try to fix Jay's tattered reputation.



I'm completely against stereotyping certain groups of people.

Black people: Jay Blades has been charged with controlling and coercive behaviour towards a white woman.

Rock stars: Dave Grohl who lives the ultimate rock n roll lifestyle has just fathered a child outside of his marriage.

I was shocked to hear about Dave to be honest.



Looking at the aviary, my wife asked if I'd ever kept budgies.

"I used to have a couple of finches," I told her.

"You still have," she frowned.



My girlfriend is dirtier than a seat on Ryanair



Jon Bon Jovi is hero not just for his songs but after saving a woman from throwing herself off a bridge in Nashville Tennessee. Mind you if Eddie Van Halen had had beat him to it, she would have been fucked ( go ahead and jump)




'To celebrate Little House on the Prairie‘s 50th anniversary, many of the surviving cast members including Melissa Gilbert, Alison Arngrim, Dean Butler and creator Michael Landon‘s daughter Leslie Landon Matthews have reunited at special events for fans. Unfortunately, these events received negative reviews for long wait times and poor event planning. Those who attended the events in Connecticut and Pennsylvania complained about having no access to restrooms.'
"Now they know that The little house on the prairie wasn't so idyllic after all!" The surving actors joked-




Katie Price is considering becoming an escort to help make ends meet with her current financial struggles. Which is funny because she's already had more men inside her than my old mark 4!




Today I saw a granny wearing a T-shirt that said Superdry.

I thought yeah I bet it is.



"Come on darling," I pleaded to my fat wife... "Just a handjob !!"

" Sorry, you know these days the only Softcore I do are creame fillings."

[Piper]

A star is Mourned.


"Donald Trump slammed for suggesting
America could cut it's crime rate by having
'one day of violence ' every year, as per The
Purge movies
Nonsense.It already has 365 of them."


"Apparently they're making a remake of the
Never Ending Story.
It starts with a man asking a woman how her
day was."

[Bikkie]

"Finally. I'd like to make an appointment to see the Doctor, please."

"No."

"Oh. May I have a call back to speak to the Doctor, please?"

"No."

"Ok. Is it possible to have a Teams meeting with the Doctor, please?"

"No."

"Zoom call with the Doctor, please?"

"No."

"Can I have a repeat prescription from the Doctor, please?"

"No."

"I need a letter for my boss from the Doctor, please."

"No."

"I've had enough of this. Tell the Doctor I called, please."

"Your name?"

"Bond. James Bond."

From the Dr. No sequel, 2024.




My wife talks so much shit I suspect she was conceived during anal



I'm dating a girl who identified as a wheelie bin.

I can't remember if I'm taking her out on Tuesday or Wednesday.



My wife was complaining that the vac was making a terrible whining noise and wasn't sucking,

"Any idea what's wrong with it?" she asked.

"Yeah," I replied, "it probably got married. "



What's Prince Andrew's favourite sports brand?


Fila




In a new spinoff I wasn't even aware of, I saw the Caped Crusader's sidekick is now black.

Batman and Robbin'




Nearly one million adults in the UK are in a same-sex marriage.

That’s compared to the almost 40 million adults in a no-sex marriage...



When I rubbed the magic lamp I was granted 3 wishes.

That's fucking LSD for you.



Inspired by the new Joker movie.

I just sang and danced my way into a divorce...




Scrooge always had lamb with mint for Christmas.

He called it baa humbug.




The boss put up a Vanilla Ice motivational poster at work.

It reads, 'Stop! Collaborate and listen.'




Comedy face.

Jamaican for jizz on the front of the head.



Women who say childbirth is painful, have never tried having a wank after eating a bag of chilli heatwave Doritos




My wife asked me if she was any good in bed,

"Well of course you are my darling, " I replied, "you don't snore or fart, you don't hog all the blankets, and best of all, you're fucking quiet for eight hours. "




Hecklers anonymous meeting tonight 7pm.
Bring your own boos.



What do you call a white woman with a blackman?
A prostitute.



I told this girl I have a 12" cock.

"I'm not into guy's with big dicks" she said.

"Do you like liars"? I asked



I asked the wife if she was in the mood,

"Which particular fucking mood are you referring to?" she snapped at me.

I guess that was no then.




We've got a stunning blonde who's started working at our office and I heard rumours she wanted to give me one.
Unfortunately, it was out of ten.



Can someone please tell me how to cancel an ebay bid, I bid £25 for a cowboy outfit and I'm 11 minutes away from owning Bradford FC




The wife said she wanted our expensive coffee maker with us on our next cruise.

I've taken it on board.

[Piper]

"Joe Biden Calling
for an end to war
is a bit like a
Crack dealer
calling for an end
to crack "

[Piper]

"why didn't Harry Kane play for England
at Wembley last night?
Because he was in Florida."


"The New Zealand Navy insists the British
female captains's gender was not to
blame after the $100m warship under her
command ran aground, caught fire, and
capsized.
It was the time of the month when the
storms come."


"Russell Brand heads into Hurricane Milton
to 'find God'.We all pray for his success.
If he fails,I suggest he tries Mosses'
technique of going up the mountain -with
a lighting rod "


"Elton John on Attitude award "What does
'A' stand for? 'Arsehole comes to mind!
But let's not talk about Elon Musk tonight.
Elton has in-depth knowledge of
arsholes "


"I know it's October but I have already
ordered my wife a new fridge for Christmas.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she
opens it."

[Piper]

"Today's headlines from America

Bruce Springsteen performs at a Democrat
rally-Obama seen slinking out the back as
'Born in the USA' is played!"


"I'm fed up with warnings on product
packaging, although I haven't read a label
telling me not to eat laundry detergent
or to put glue in my hair.
And unlike Elton John, I've never put my
cock in a mincer."


"I went dressed as a leaf for a Halloween
party,one guy came in dressed as a
leaf blower.Needless to say,it was
awkward and we tried to avoid each
other all night."


"What's the difference between Eric Clapton
and Ronnie O'Sullivan.
One plays the electric guitar and the other with
a cue stick "

[Bikkie]

The UK is banning smiling on driver's licence photos.

So now, instead of telling the driver to, "Say cheese",

The Post Office photographer will say, "You live in the UK"




Little Jimmy who was wheelchair bound fell out when he tried to get over a kerb. Just to his left he saw a lamp on the floor so of course he rubs it, and yes, out pops a genie.
"OK, son, " said the genie, "you know the drill you get three wishes."
"Wow said Jimmy, I wish I could walk. " Poof, Jimmy can walk. "I wish I played for a famous football club. " Poof.. Jimmy was grown up and in the dressing room at Old Trafford where Ten Haag was giving a team talk.
"Fucks sake, " said Jimmy, "I wish I was back in my wheelchair.



I went to a fancy dress as a drum stick. There was this fit girl there dressed as a drum.

Needless to say, I banged fuck out of her,



I went dressed as a brick for a Halloween party, one guy came in dressed as a bricklayer. Needless to say, it was awkward and we tried to avoid each other all night.



I went dressed as a brick for a Halloween party, one guy came in dressed as a bricklayer. Needless to say, it was awkward and we tried to avoid each other all night.



I was feeling tense so I went for a shoulder massage. As I sat down I asked the girl "jacket off?"

and that your honour is how this whole misunderstanding began.



Trump is trying to woo Muslim voters, but creating a Supreme Court that struck down Roe v Wade might go against him with those folks, because now when their wives are pregnant, the baby will have to be carried to term. Even if it's a girl.




Listening to Gen-Z teenagers talking is a lot like listening to Americans.

They think they’ve invented a whole new language but what they’ve actually done is take a perfectly good language and made a horrible mess of it.



One cannibal is running through the woods, another cannibal stops him and says "have you seen my brother?" He replies "I passed him this morning"




The wife called out to me in the en suite from the bedroom, "I've slipped out of my underwear and I'm standing in naked in front of the mirror. I bet you can't wait to see the back of me."

She couldn't have been more wrong yet more right in one sentence.



Owing to recent financial struggles, the wife's gone on the game.

Last night, a man asked her, "How much?"

She replied, "500 pounds for the night."

He then said, "I wanted the cost, not your weight."



I went to a pub with a sign that said “No WiFi, pretend it’s 1970”
So I paid 12p, called the black landlord “boy” & lit up a fag.


It was great to see my girlfriend so happy last night when she came home after a night out with her girlfriends. She was really giddy and throwing her clothes around as she got undressed.

Can’t understand why her knickers stuck to the ceiling though.




Every time I open my mouth Blockbuster, Fox On The Run, Or Little Willie is heard.


The dentist says I have a sweet tooth.



I'm old enough to remember when saying "Shove it up your ass" was an insult...
Not a pick up line.



What do you call a woman on her period?

Bloody Hell.



Saw a band last night called "Prevention"...

They were better than "The cure"



🎶 They say we're young and we don't know
We won't find out until we grow
Well I don't know if all that's true
'Cause you got me, and baby I got you 🎶

Just thought I'd Cher that with you.



McDonald's is offering a new meal deal to commemorate the Trump visit. The "McFelon" includes a flat orange soda, limp fries, and a baloney burger with a small pickle.



What a bloody cheek black people have demanding ‘reparations’.

We have paid it many times over in the form of ‘welfare’.



I was in Paris and I couldn't believe it when I saw Julie Calvet, who I recognized instantly from the French girl-dancing group "The Clodettes" of the 70s, that danced around in sparkly white bikinis.

I instantly approached her and she was actually taken when I took her outstretched petite hand and said, "You've certainly aged like a fine wine !"

Then though, I definitely blew it when I thoughtlessly added, "Unlike Kamela Harris, who's aged like chocolate milk."



Trump accuses labour of trying to help rig the US election.

That's like the pot calling the pot a pot.




Isn't progress wonderful! I remember back in the day you had to queue up at a fairground and pay to see a fat,bearded tattooed lady.




To His Majesty King Charles III of England & the Commonwealth,

We apologise for your experience with Senator Lydia Thorpe earlier this week. Her carrying on about how you stole her land and all manner of other nonsense.

We empathise with you. We've been forced to endure this traditional Aboriginal "Welcome to Country" since 1788.

Sincerely,

Australia's silent majority.




Why did the Pharaoh have a horn as a doorbell?
So people could toot-and-come-in



My wife told me I had to go to the store and buy her tampons.

"Fuck off, you can go online and buy about 20,000 boxes for a tenner."

"Yeah, but this is the new thing you have to do for me to humiliate you."



The wife said, "We have been happily married for fourteen years today.

" I replied, "I don't recall breaking two mirrors."



What does a junkie have for breakfast?

Ice Krispies.

For that smack, crack and pot.



The Australian senator who shouted at King Charles has defended her actions.

Lidia Thorpe, (fantastic indigenous name), yelled at Charles after he spoke to Australia's parliament.

She shouted: "Give us our land back. Give us what you stole from us! Our bones, our skulls, our babies, our people. You destroyed our land. Give us a treaty! You are not our King, you are not sovereign... you have committed genocide against our people."

I wonder if Charles was kind enough to offer her a lift home in one of his rented Mercedes limos, via a tunnel.




A Muslim has just sat down next to me on the train wearing those strange clothes and a backpack and I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm shitting myself.

He might be a cyclist.



My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5,000 piece puzzle.

If he thinks thats bad, I'm missing 4,999 pieces.



You know you're getting old when you sit down to breakfast and hear snap, crackle and pop.

But you're not eating.




Do Lesbians have long nails so they can make gravy from scratch?.




There once was a king who was only 12 inches tall...
He was a terrible king but he made a great ruler



I thought I was onto a winner when the Mrs got dressed up in her dominatrix gear. She said "tell me what a bad boy you've been"
I said "I've been fucking your sister"
Anyway, I'm writing this from casualty.



Walked in the living room. The telly was on but the wife wasn't watching. I said Why have Loose Women on, if you're not even watching?.

She replied: I put it on for you, it's Football Focus.



I want to go to Vegas next year.
But I can't find any information about what happens there!



Instead of Drew, I'm going to name my kid Driew.
Now I know what you're thinking, but it's only weird if you read it backwards




I just heard that the Pope say's it's ok now to kiss a nun...

...as long as you don't get into the habit!



I used to be Stings milkman when he was just starting out in the music industry and he was forever changing his order. It got to a point I didn't know what he wanted so I just told him to leave me a message in a bottle every day.


"H'mm " he said, "message in a bottle eh?".

[Piper]

"The 2024 MTV EMAs in
Manchester will be hosted by Rita Ora.
Ora what?"

[Piper]

A young lad knocked on my door tonight

and said,"trick or treat?"

I said,"What have you come as"?

He said , A werewolf"

I said,"but you haven't got a customer on,

You're just in normal clothes."

He said,"well it's not a full moon,is it?..."



"The missus has organised a Halloween
party for the kids,she wants me to dress
up for the occasion.
"What should I wear?" I asked
"Oh I don't know, just dress as a monster
of something " she replied.
-Not sure this Gary Glitter costume is
what she had in mind."


"My son wore an Oasis-themed Halloween
costume.
Baggy Jeans, hooded parka and grotesquely
wrinkled mask with hollow eyes."

[Bikkie]

Coldplay's Chris Martin has fallen through a stage trapdoor during an Australian concert.

I can only hope it happened during a rendition of 'Fix You'



If Liz Truss couldn't last longer than a Lettuce, what's the chances of a Choc Ice lasting longer than a er, Choc Ice?.




I don't understand all this LGTBQ stuff, can someone give me a straight answer?




I fucking told the gagrge I worked at I had a nut allergy. But they still sacked me when all the wheels fell off.



The Spanish discovered a new country and named it Argentina, meaning "Land of Silver".

Then they discovered Nigeria.



Johnny Depp once offered to buy me a beer.

"No thanks," I said "I would never take a drink from a jonny."


A controversial new novel depicts a world where black people rule over white people.

It's called,

Vote Conservative...




King Charles charges the cash-strapped NHS £11.4 million to store its ambulances on his land.

All that because he had to go private.


A coworker told me this joke recently when I told him to "tell me a joke"

What happens when you drink food colouring?

You dye a little on the inside.


Never go out for a walk in the rain in bell bottom trousers. I did and now they're ringing.



Alzheimer's drug, hailed as a breakthrough, could triple the risk of dying.

Win-win.




Boxing categories are getting ridiculous. There used to be just 8 weight classes but it can't be long before there's an M&S 32 inch waist jeans with stretch division.



The next Black Friday,

I am choosing to support the Conservative Party...



How do you tell which couple are on their first date in a restaurant?


They're talking to each other.




People used to say my Nan looked like Bette Midler.

From a distance



A stork delivers children but what bird prevents children?

The Swallow



My son said...
Dad... when was the first time you fell in love?

I said...
I was 18... I walked into a bar and spotted the most gorgeous blonde I'd seen...
Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her.

He said...
So what happened?

I said,
Nothing... Unfortunately the arrow missed and hit your fucking Mother.


Remember folks to keep your dogs safe at home during the evenings over next few days the as their barking and howling tends to ruin peoples enjoyment of fireworks.




Hindu: how a New Zealander describes a celebration for a bride-to-be.



I need to lose weight.

I went for a jog today and heard clapping behind me.

Turns out it was my arse cheeks cheering me on.

[Piper]

"If Kamala Harris wins the US Presidential
race,so be it

If Donald Trump wins the US Presidential
race again, Soviet."

[Piper]

"I haven't seen a man beat a woman this bad
since the Olympics."


"Men with balls voted for Trump
Women with balls voted for Harris."


"Trump has been voted for his second
Presidential term
I still see stormy months ahead."