What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

Aretha Franklin reaches
the pearly gates and
sees George Michael
standing there."I knew
you were waiting for
me." She said.

Aretha Franklin and
Elton John.One's the
Queen of soul the other
the Queen of arsehole.

Have you noticed how
many F1 drivers have
names linked to
scottish towns?
Stirling Moss,Lewis
Hamiltion,Eddie
Irvine....AYR Town
centre....

In Jamaica you can
get a steak and kidney
pie for $1.75,a
chicken and mushroom
pie for $1.60 and an
apple pie for $2.15.In
St Kitts and Nevis a
steak and kidney pie
will cost you $2 a
chicken pie ( without mushroom }
is $1.70 and a cherry pie can
be yours for $1.95.In
Trinidad and Tobago,
that steak and kidney
pie comes in at $2.50,
but you can get two for
$3.50,while the
chicken and mushroom
pie is $2.25.They also
offer meat and potato
pie for $2,or two for
$3.Their apple pies
and cherry pie are
often sold for $2.75,
or two ( any combination ) for
$4.75.Those are the
pie Rates of the
caribbean.

It used to be called
"methamphetamine"
But they renamed it
"meth" so it's easier
to say when you have
no front teeth.

My girlfriend
moaned,"I had to
walk home in the rain
and now I'm really
wet." "You get turned
on by the weirdest
shit." I replied.

[husaberg]

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

A guy picks up a girl in a bar, brings her home, and they start getting it on. He starts sucking on one of her tits and milk comes out.
He says, "Hey, are you pregnant?"
She says, "That wasn't a nipple, that was a boil."

[Bikkie]

Sufflok police
comfirmed that a man
who fell into a
combine-harvester...while
trying to steal it....has
been bailed!!

I got home from work
and my wife was
stark naked with her
legs wide open.She
smiled at me and said,
"I' m just preparing
dinner." "Fuck me."
I replied,"How many
are coming?"

"Women are the
stronger sex." say
the gender that cries
lots and can't open
jars.

Stevie Wonder
apparently went to
see Aretha Franklin
just before she
passed....I very much
doubt it....

The name"s
Bond..Bail bond.

Looking forward to
the next Bond movie.
"The Man With The
Stolen Gun."

I'm all for a black man
playing a
sophisticated upper
class English spy...As
long they're prepared
to do the equivalent
and cast Colin Firth as
the lead character in a
Mike Tyson biopic.

[pete376403]

baby seal walks into a bar.
"what will you have?" asks the barman.
"Anything but a Canadian Club"

[Bikkie]

Foreign Aid:
People in a rich
country sending
money to rich people
in a poor country.

Jamie Oliver has
apologised for any
offence caused by his
Jerk Rice and has
renamed it Nigger
Rice....its quite thick
but quite easy to stick
a knife into it.

[Bikkie]

"Barely legal"
Because "almost underage"
Sounds a bit creepy.

I played football for
the first time yesterday,after
a long lay off with health
issues.I heard someone in
the crowd shout,"You're still
got it mate!"
Unfortunately,it was
my doctor with my
latest test results.

My dystexa is getting whores.

Remember when plastic surgery was
a taboo subject? Now you mention
Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

Took this hot girl
back to mine earlier
and,after a couple
of drinks,she was
laughing away at my
banter and my witty
one-liners."I love a
good laugh" she
said.."it really gets
me going if you
know what I mean"
"I'm the same" I
said...."in fact...let me
show you this really
funny joke site I
use..it's hilarious"
Anyway..long story
short..she fucked off
in a taxi and I'm back
to the wanking.

[Bikkie]

The pope was in
Liverpool last week
curing the sick and
healing the masses
and all those pope
type things he does.
Anyway,little scouse
Johnny comes up to
him and says,"Please
Mr pope,can you
help me with my
hearing?" The pope
then placed his hands
over the lads ears and
blessed him."Well
that's all well and
good." said Johnny.
"But my hearings not
till next thursday."

Vain Brazlian
homosexual and plastic
surgery nut,Rodrigo
Alves left Celebrity
Big Brother because of
a meltdown.He
must've set his
hairdryer too high.

[Bikkie]

I see Shania Twain has
been boasting about
her new Subaru on
Twitter.That don't
Impreza me much.

Only 3 games into the
season and I've
already seen a Man
United season ticket
nailed to a tree.I
thought to myself:
"I'm having that."
After all you can
never have enough
nails can you?

Warehouse,like a
normal house but hairy
during a full moon.

A cure for premature
ejaculation.At that
critical moment,just
think of Terasa May
dancing in Cape Town
nude.

[Bikkie]

I was out fishing
yesterday when I
heard a soft voice
saying,"Kiss me,then
I will turn into your
faithfull mistress." I
looked down and saw
a little frog.I Said
"Was that you
speaking?"
The little
frog said "Yes,kiss me
and I will turn into
your faithfull mistress."
So I picked the little
frog up and placed it in
an empty bait box.
When I got home,the
missus was out,so I
opened the bait box
and the little frog said
"Are you going to kiss
me now so I can turn
into your faithfull
mistress."
I said 'Nah,
at my age I'd rather
have a talking frog."

I visited a cafe and
ordered eggs for
breakfast this
morning.The woman
behind the counter
asked "How would
you like your eggs
cooked?"
"Does it
affect the price?" I
said,"No,not at all."
she replied."In that
case I'd like them
cooked with bacon,
sausage and tomato
please."

[Herman Jelmet]

A hillbilly is fucking his sister
His sister starts laughing and says , you fuck just like dad !
Hillbilly says , yeah that's what mum said !


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Bikkie]

After a number of
kaleidoscopes have
been stolen from
local
toy-shops...police
believe a pattern is
forming!!

Dear ladies.Tell your
boobs to stop staring
at my eyes.

To commemorate 100
years of Fosters Larger
Austrailians are having
a 7 day celebration
"Piss Weak"

"Why are men only
interested in one
thing?" Because
nature designed us to
reproduce,not take an
interest in your shit
personality.

I've been playing the
nigger version of
Monopoly.The
community chest is
empty;everybody
takes a chance and
each square has "Go To
Jail" on it.

Woman: I want a man
who will put me first
commit himself to me
and stand by me
through anything,no
matter what.Friend:
What happened to the
bloke you were
seeing? Woman:He
lost his job and my
mates advised me to
get rid of him.

I've seen a
few women writing things
starting with the catch "I need
feminism because." Being the
ardent equalist I am,I thought
I'd give it a shot myself! I need
feminism because I want
facebook to stip censoring
pictures of tits.

It's great getting a titty
wank off the wife as we get
older.Her toenails scratch my
balls at the same time!!!

Everytime my
girlfriend and I have sex,I pray
she doesn't fall pregnant.I don't
think I'm ready to be an
ex-boyfriend just yet.

How I count to ten:1,2,3,
4,5,6,7,8,9,10.How Bill
Gates counts to ten: "1,2,3,95,
98,NT,2000,xp,vista,7.8.9,
10.

I applaud china for relaxing
the restrictions of one child per
couple I mean somebody has to
keep making those iphones in
the future.

[Bikkie]

I went down to the
patent office trying to
register some of my
inventions earlier
today.I walked up to
the main desk to sign
in and the lady pulled
out a form to fill out.
She asked for my
personal info,wrote it
down and then asked
me what I had
invented.I said,"A
folding bottle." She
said,"Ok,what do
you call it?" "A fottle."
"What else do you
have there?" "A folding
carton." "Ok what do
you call it?" "A farton."
She chuckled and said,
"Those are silly names
for products and one
of them sounds a bit
crude." I was so upset
by her comment I
grabbed the form and
left the office without
even telling her about
my folding bucket...

[husaberg]

man walks into a bar with a ostridge and a black cat.
the bar man asks the bloke "what do you want to drink?" The bloke replies, nothing for me or the ostridge but a pint for the cat!.
two minutes later he goes up again and buys the cat another drink. a minute later he buys the cat a third drink.
on the fourth time to buy a drink for the cat the barman asks "you seem to be buying that cat a lot of drinks where did you get it and the ostridge."
he replies I found a magic lamp rubbed it and asked for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!!!!

Steve has just bought himself a new motorbike... But one of the seals is loose, so whenever it rains, he has to smear vaseline around it to keep the water out. Anyway, Steve is visiting his girlfriend's parents for the first time, and as he arrives at their house, his girlfriend greets him, telling him that there is a big ongoing argument in the house, and that nobody has done the dishes for three months. The arrangement is that the first person to speak will do the dishes. Steve say okay, and they go in. The house is in a terrible state - dishes in the kitchen, dishes in the living room, dishes _everywhere_, but Steve says nothing. Halfway through dinner, Steve gets up from the table, and has sex with his girlfriend on then floor. She is flustered, and her parents are livid, but nobody says a word. A while later, Steve picks up his girlfriend's mother and gives her the same treatment. Now, his girlfriend is livid, her mother is a little happier, and her father is mad. But still nobody says anything. Steve admits defeat, and sits back down. Suddenly, the sky turns black and it starts to rain heavily. Remembering his motorbike, Steve grabs his vaseline and stands up. His girlfriends father jumps to his feet screaming "okay okay I'll do the fucking dishes!!!!!"

[Bikkie]

I was at a comedy
show the other day
and the cast wanted
the audience to start
making sex noises.
You should have seen the
look on everyone;s
face when I started
screaming...."No
uncle Pete stop!!!"

I saw a paki in the
street earlier and he
asked me the
quickest way to
hospital... ...so I
pushed thecunt
under a bus.

A clean browsing
history is the same
thing as a dirty one.

When I'm naked in
the bathroom the
shower gets turned
on.

Next week is
International
Caribbean Hairstyle
week........I'm
dreading it.

What is the
difference between a
pint of beer and a
clitoris? A clitris
only tastes like piss
for a second.

I keep confusing
homophodia and
claustrophobia...
...which one is scared
of being in a closet?

It would be horrific if
farting was
contagious like
yawning.

I lost a sexual
endurance
competition I came
first.

[Bikkie]

I've been taking
viagra for my
sunburn.It doesn't
make it go away or
anything but it keeps
the sheets off of my
legs.

A girl at the nightclub
kissed me and
whispered,"I
do doggy syle." I
thought,"Where the
fuck am I going to
find a swimming
baths that's open."

Ever deam about
looking like a rich and
famous rock star?
Simply look at your
own reflection in the
back of a tablespoon
and....hey presto
Pete Townshend.

[Bikkie]

I asked my five year
old daughter what
she wanted for her
birthday."I want
unicorns,rainbows
and fairies." She
giggled.Ok.LSD it is
then.

So as men we have
penises that lookk like
melted candles but
women get
something cool,as
their pussies look like
the fucking predator.

[Bikkie]

Just a reminder,the clocks go
forward an hour this weekend.
Unless you're a Muslim.In that
case you need to wind yours forward
700 years.

Mick rings Paddy and says,
"The clocks go forward this weekend."
Paddy replies,"They always fucking go forward."

[Bikkie]

A bloke knocked on
my door this morning
and said,"Could you
spare 5 minutes to do
an opinion poll?" I
replied,"Sorry mate,
my opinion isn't in at
the moment,she's at
work."

It's been said gambling
destroys lives,well I
don't know,it's
brought me and my
family closer together.
We now all live in a
bedsit.

My wife said,"You
never see things from
my point of view." I
said,"What the fuck
are you talking
about? only
yesterday I looked
out the kitchen
window."

A doctor on TV this
morning said the way
to inner peace is to
finish all the things
you have started.So I
looked around my
house to see things I
hadn't finished so I
have managed to
finish off a bottle of
Merlot,a bottle of
Chardonnay a bottle
of Baileys,a packet
of Pringles tha
mander of Prozic
and valiuminiun
scriptions the rest of
the cheesecake and a
box of chocletz.Yu haf
no idr how bludy
fablus I feel rite now.

Went to my female
boss today and asked
would she mind if I
had an advance.She
said,that would be
fine.So I placed my
hand on her upper
thigh.

What's the difference
between Donald
Trump and a Flying
pig? The letter F.

A black man went for
a job interview at a
local shop.The
manager says,"We're
looking for someone
responsible." "I'm
your guy." replies the
black man."In my last
job when money
went missing from
the till they said I was
responsible."

[Bikkie]

Geoffrey Hayes from
Rainbow has died,"I
don't remember the
guy being in the band,"
said Ritchie Blackmore

[Bikkie]

I've only got three
records in my
collection.Two by
Meatloaf and one
by Michael Jackson.So two
out of three ain't
Bad.

My girlfriend
winked at me and
said she wanted
me to completely
humilate her in
bed!..sio I bought
her some
Warriors pyjams

DIABETICS: Mary
Poppins does not
have your best
interests at heart.

If my balls came
out on the lottery,
my career as a TV
presenter will be
in ruins.

They told me I'd
never be any good
at poetry because
I'm dyslexic but
so far I've made 2
jugs and a vase!

I have an identical
twin brother we
are very alike and
very close.We
even finish each
other's sentences,
which is nice as
he's now serving
30 years for that
robbery I committed.

If I could take
Abba out to lunch
I would,my
friend,for Nandos.

Paul McCartney
was pissed off
when he found out
his new wife
spends twice as
much on shoes as
his last one.

John is walking
through the Red
Light District when
he notices
prostitues all
standing at individual
windows that look
out onto the
street.In one
particular window
standing there is the most
gorgeous woman
John has ever
seen.
Being curious,he decides
to go over and
knocks on the
window to get the
prostitutes
attention."How
much?" He asks.
"$50" she replies,
John stands there
surprised and
replies,"That's
fucking good for
double glazing."

I'm gonna start a
leaf clearing
business.I'll be
raking it in.

[Bikkie]

Dire Straits are looking
for an agent in the
Middle East.They should
check out Qatar Geoege...He
knows all the Kurds.

Mark Knopfler
comes home
carrying a large
picture frame and
a bag of chips.
His missus says,
"What've you
been up to?" He
replies,"I was at
the Auction
House and got a
rare French
Impressionist
painting and I got
you something
from the chippy
on the way
home" "How
much have you
spent this time?" "Fuck
all" says Mark."I
got the Monet for
nothing and the
chips for free"

My brother is a big
prog rock and
loves the band
YES.In the 70's
and 80's he
actually asked Jon
Anderson the lead
singer to fart into a
bottle and cork it
so he could sell it
one day..He's
kept it down in his
cellar for years,He
was sorting some
junk out,and he
heard a muffled
voice coming from
the bottle,"You
haven't been to
see me for years,
leaving me on my
own down here
you selfish twat"
He's....The owner
of a lonely fart.

Sting was on an
expedition in
Kenya with some
planet saving
mates.They came
across a deep
ravine.One of the
massai porters lay
down and
stretched his tall
body across the
drop and they all
used him as a
human bridge.
That gave Sting
the idea for....
walking on the
coon.

[Bikkie]

My pet mouse,Elvis
died last night.He
was caught in a trap.
New he's always on
my mind.

Why don't owls breed
in the rain? Because
it's too wet to woo.

I said to my pregnant
wife,"I bet you five
dollars,I can think of
a better name for our
child,than you can"
She said,"Lets call it
a tenner..." I said,
"That's a fucking
stupid name."

The only diet I seen
to be able to stick to is
the one that just
involves saying no to
food "Is that enough
chips for you?" "No"

Why do flamingos
always stand with one
leg in the air?
Because if they lifted
both of them up,
they'd fall over.

I turned up to a party,
but to my horror it
turned out to be fancy
dress only.I just
opened my wallet,
pulled out a condom
and rolled it over my
nose.The host said to
me,"Who've you come
as?" I replied,"Fuck
knows."

I went up to a group
of pakistanis in the
pub last night
"Alright fellas." I said
reaching into my
pocket."I've got
twenty dollars for
hashish." "Hold on."
One of them said as
he shouted to his mate
over from the pool
table...."Hey Hahish
this guys got twenty
dollars for you."

[Bikkie]

Bloody Foreigner,coming
over here,demanding to
know what love is.

There's a brilliant
programme on
channel 4 tonight
about doggy-style
sex.If you miss it,
you can watch it
on all 4's.

My dog sat
watching the
orchestra play,he
was staring at the
conductor and I
could see what he
was thinking...."For
fucks sake...Just
throw the fucking
thing."

Me and my
girlfriend were
talking names for
our baby.She said,
"I want something
original!" I said
"How about
Werthers?"

Jon Bon Jovi
wanted to be the
face of a new
healthy eating
campaign
promoting eggs in
France,however
the French
goverment
refused saying
"You give L'ouef a
bad name."

70's band 10cc
allegedly took
their name from
the amount of
ejaculant a bloke
dispenses when
he shoots his load.
If they were
forming today and
went through my
browsing history
they would be
called 50cc

90% of being
married is
shouting
"WHAT?" from
other rooms.

[Bikkie]

I've been selling
my sperm to
childless couples
and a couple of
lesbians paid me
for some recently.
After delivering it
to them,I got an
e-mail from them
saying,"You're
delivered a pint!!!!
How many times
did you have to
masturbate to do
that? What were
you thinking?" "I
was thinking of
you two" I said
"And just the
once."

Song at the labour
conference to the
tune of the hokey
cokey.You put
your left wing in
Your right wing
out In out in out
That's Corbyn
without doubt.
You play the
brexit hokey Then
you turn around
then fuck it all
about.Whoar do
the brexit hokey
Whoar do the
brexit hokey
Its-an utter
fucking jokey Has
bent Facts
stretched Blah
blah blah.

If I was a plastic
surgeon I would
put a squeaky toy
in each breast
transplant.

I asked the wife if
she was in the
mood,"which
particualar fucking
mood are you
referring to?" she
snapped at me.I
guess that was no
then.

That dachshund of
mine has been a
right cunt today.
I'll get my own
back though,I'm
going to give him
a viagra half an
hour before his
walk.

Married woman
are more fulfilled
with their lives
than single
women,a new
study shows....or
vice versa
depending on their
fucking mood.

[Bikkie]

This is for the
trekkies...In the
original star trek,
captain kirk was a
womanising white
alpha male,then
as we move
through time,
reflecting our
times Pickard a
white pc male.
Then on DSG
captain Sisko a
black man,
voyagers captain
Janeway a white
woman,we had a
blip with captain
Archer,startrek
enterprise back to
the white alpha
male.The new
series of star-trek
discovery has an
asian woman as
captain Philippa
Georgio with the
main character
being a black
woman called
Michael Burnham?
Forget that
klingons started
off as tapioca
faced gypsies..my
point is this
haven't counsellor
Troi and 7 of 9 got
cracking tits.

Lost for centuries.
Volume 2
of the Irish Dancing
Manual has finally
been rediscovered!
It's entitled "How To
Move The Arms.

I used to play the
triangle in a Raggae
band.I just stood at
the back doing my
own ting!!!!

[Bikkie]

I was on a plane
recently and the
stewardess said
that in the event
of an accident I
had to stick my
head between my
legs.I couldn't
help thinking,"If I
could do that I
wouldn't be flying
to Thailand in the
first place."

The wife wanked
me off with her
toes under the
table at a dinner
party.I secretly
flimed it on my
phone.Lovely bit
of footage.

It's inronic the first
thing blacks buy
when they get
money is a chain
to put round their
neck,they miss
the good old days
as much as we do.

Just been on a
diabetes awareness
website and it
asked me if I
accept cookies.Is
that a trick
question?

I bought my
obsessive
compulsive mate a
picture of the
Leaning Tower Of
Pisa for his
birthday.He's
going fucking nuts
trying to hang it
straight.

I'm watching
Australian Surviovr
and thinking where is
a suicide bomber
when you need
one.

I used to be very
naive sexually.
My first girlfriend
asked me to do
missionary and I
fucked off to
Africa for six
months.

[Bikkie]

A single sperm has
37.5 Megabit of
information in its
DNA.An
ejaculation
represents a data
transfer of
approximately
1,587.5 Tarabit of
information.I
know this could be
a lot of
information for
some feminists to
swallow.

God made man
before woman
because he didn't
need any advice
before doing it!

Think this woman
in town really
fancied me earlier,
she said,"Excuse
me gorgeous,do
you know where
specsavers is?"

Not surprised that
Leen Henry is
willing to pay for a
good night sleep
at a premier Inn
After years of
waking up at the
crack Dawn.

I just met Bruce
Lee's vegan
brother? Brocco
Lee.

I entered a
blindfold
masturbation
contest last night...
Fuck knows where
I came!

Women don't
marry men for
their money.They
divorce men for
their money.

Life consists of
avoiding people
you have seen
naked..while
trying to find
new people to
see naked.

Last night I was
reminiscing of
when I was
young,I spent all
of my time
playing xbox,
watching porn
and masturbating.
A lot has changed
since then,I have
a playstation
now.

[Bikkie]

Black Friday is more like
Hunger Games and the
winner gets $10 off a
toaster.

EVERY day is "Black Friday"
if you're a
Kadashian.

What did Nala tell
Simba after seeing a
herd of women on Black
Friday? You gotta
Mufasa.

Just been sent home
from work coz
apparently I
misunderstood Black
Friday.Cost me a
fucking fortune in shoe
polish too!!!

Black Friday is a scam.You
should be mad they
overcharge you 364 days a
year.

What flies faster than items off
the rack on Black Friday?
Credit card payment slips!

Why is Donald Trump getting
rid of Black Friday?
Because he wants an all White
Christmas.

I miss the good old days when
Black Friday was ACTUALLY
on Friday.

[jasonu]

Black Friday is more like
Hunger Games and the
winner gets $10 off a
toaster.

EVERY day is "Black Friday"
if you're a
Kadashian.

What did Nala tell
Simba after seeing a
herd of women on Black
Friday? You gotta
Mufasa.

Just been sent home
from work coz
apparently I
misunderstood Black
Friday.Cost me a
fucking fortune in shoe
polish too!!!

Black Friday is a scam.You
should be mad they
overcharge you 364 days a
year.

What flies faster than items off
the rack on Black Friday?
Credit card payment slips!

Why is Donald Trump getting
rid of Black Friday?
Because he wants an all White
Christmas.

I miss the good old days when
Black Friday was ACTUALLY
on Friday.

Must try harder...

[Bikkie]

"And just fucking
remember,I wear
the trousers in this
house not you,
now get my
fucking tea made."
"Talk to me like
that again you cunt
and you can lick
your own pussy,
I'll fuck off to my
mums." I love it
when I can hear
the lesbians next
door fighting.

After making them
for 60 years,
Kleenex have been
forced to stop
calling tissues
"Man size" after
complaints of
sexism by
feminists.They
are being
rebranded "Free
internet porn size."

I met my sons
teacher last night,
she was working
her second job.It's
disgraceful that
in 2018 teachers
have to work
another job to
make ends meet.
They're underpaid,
overworked and
pillars of the
community.So
anyway I'm doing
my part.I gave
her an extra $50
for bareback.

On average most
men have sex 3 to
4 times a week
ecept for Eskimos
they're lucky if
they have it twice
a year.This news
is distressing and
came as somewhat
of a shock to me
as I had no idea I
was an Eskimo.

Trump says the
Saudias are rubbish
at covering things
up.I'm not so
sure.Stiching a
tea towel on your
head is still
marginually better
than a comb over.

Tail of mouse,Eye
of cat,Head of
newt and wing of
bat.Tongue of
toad,Ear of dog.
skin of snake and
leg of frog.No,it's
not a witches
potion,it's
the reasons the
council shut down
our local KFC shop.

[Bikkie]

A black bloke gets
invited to a fancy
dress party.
needing an outfit.
He goes to a
costume shop.He
asks a female
assistant for help.
"I need a costume
for a party,
please." "Okay,sir
how about this?"
says the assistant,
presenting the
black man with a
Father Christmas
suite."Don't be
fucking stupid,I'm
not going as a
black Santa!"
replies the black
man."Okay,well
how about this one
then?" she shows
the black man a
fluffy white
snowman costume.
"NO! I'm not going
as a snowman
either! I'm black!
Don't you
understand?"
shouts the rather
annoyed black
man."Fine!" says
the assistant as she
hands the black
nan a plank of
wood."What the
fuck am I
supposed to do
with this?" he
asks."Stick it up
your arse and go
as a fucking choc
ice!"

Christmas is coming
and the geese are getting
fat.
Well you'd let yourself
go to, if you knew you
were going to get eatin.

My wife bought
me the Karma
Sutra for
Christmas.Its put
me in a very
awkward position.

All you poor saps
telling me to take
down the
Christmas
decorations all
year.Well who is
laughing now?

A popular
Christmas prank
on distant
relatives is to send
a family picture
including a child
nobody knows.
That will get them
talking.Especally
if the child is a 15
year old blonde
girl wearing
shades.

I've saved loads of
money this
Christmas.I
walked out on the
wife and kids.

Went Christmas
shopping this
morning,Got
pushed around,
fonded.pinched,
rubbed against,
stepped on.
Enjoyed it so
much I'm going
back tomorrow.

The bad news is...
I had the oven too
high and burnt the
Gingerbread men I
was making for
the kids.The good
news...I put them
on Ebay as KKK
Christmas tree
decorations.

My wife's always
said her biggest
dream is to "swim
with dolphins.I
couldn't get her
this for Christmas,
but I got her the
next best thing,,,
"Swimming with
crocodiles."

Anyone who
believes that men
are the equal of
women has never
seen a man trying
to wrap a
Chtistmas present.

The main problem
with Christmas
is..getting anything
out of your fridge
is like playing
fucking Jenga!

"kmart to ban
Glitter next
Christmas,"
Strange,I don't
think he'll even be
out by then.

Prince Harry wil
snub traditional
Royal family
Boxing Day Shoot
to avoid upsetting
animal lover
Meghan and his
Christmas blowjob.

What do you say to a
paki on Christmad
Day? 20 Benson and a
pint of milk,please?

My Christmas dinner
will be just like any
other dinner.Sat at
the table with a fat
bird that don't gobble
anymore.

As a postman,I had the most
heart-wrenching letter from
a little girl to Santa.
How her mummy and daddy
had no money and how
she only wanted a chocolate
bar for Christmas.
Anyway there was no money
in that one so I sealed
it and re-posted it.

Some great Christmas movies on,
I'm watching The Dan Busters.
For some reason it has sign
language.I'm just waiting
for when he has to sign the
word Nigger.

"Trump celebrates Christmas like
most of America,with family"
Threating to bomb North Korea
while drinking twelve diet
cokes,hammering out messages on
Twitter,and sitting down to a
ten course meal in a
$300 million penthouse.

This Christmas convince people
you're David Beckham by taking
your old Turkey carcass
out to dinner.

Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the house,Not
a creature was stirring.not
even a mouse...I really shuold
have invested in one of those
carbon monoxide detectors.

[Bikkie]

Just saved a
fucking fortune on
Christmas shit.
Bought an old
stags head and
stuck in on the
front room wall.
Told my kids the
reindeer are dead
and Santa can't
get round,but I'll
make sure they
get some nice veal
steaks for
Christmas day.

Theresa May
might as well
become a
Jehovahs
Witness.They
don't have a party
at Christmas
either.

It was the night of
Christmas Eve and
the missus who
had plumped up
over recent years
was feeling horny.
She whispered in
my ear,"Fist fuck
me on the dinning
table in the
kitchen,I want it
so bad." So we
went downstairs
and she laid back
first on the
table,feet flat and
legs at 10 past 2.
After kifting her
gut away I was
anle to see her
dripping gash.It
was so wet that
my fist slid in with
ease but as I
popped it in I
noticed my 5 year
old son in the
door way.He
looked at me with
my fist buried
elbow deep in this
soggy crevice,
then went to the
fridge and got out
a bowl of pork
mince.He popped
it into my other
hand and said
"Mum uses this
when she's
stuffing the
turkey."

"Do you know
why we don't
celebrate
Christmas?" this
Jewish father
asked his little Yid.
"Is it because we
are the meanest
cunts on the
planet and make
the scottish look
like spendthrifts?"
he replied.

Stay politicallly correct this
Christmas by
buying your child
an action gender
fluid doll,
Complete with
machine gun,
rocket launcher,
penis,breasts,
make up and a flat
500 with
eyelashes.

Befor you laugh
at children who
believe in Father
Christmas,
remember,there
are adults who still
believe in Jose
Mourinho...

We used to have a
girl nicknamed
Rudolph at school
not because she
had a red nose
because she used
to go down in
history,

My lad has come
to me and asked
for transformers
for Christmas.Now
I don't mins the
expense.I mean I
can pick them up
at Kmart for like
$50.But what on
earth does a 5 year
old have that
needs to run on
110v.

[Bikkie]

Welcome to Radio
West Sussex.
Flight cancelled
from Gatwick?
This ones for you
Chris Rea,Driving
home for
Christmas.

Fucking
newsreaders
obsessed with
Gatwick airport,
blah blah Just
drone on and on.

[Bikkie]

Actually looking
forward to
Christmas this year
fo once.I usually
get treibble
presents for the
Mrs that she don't
actually want but
this year I found her
Christnas list and
I've got everything
on it.Eggs,Milk,
Bread,Butter,
Bacon,Sugar and Toilet
rolls.She's going to
be well impressed.

Woke up at 11am
this morning after
getting pissed at
the office
Christmas party
last night-vague
recollection of
shagging my
secretary and
punching my boss
in the mouth.At
least,I hope it was
that way around.

Teenagers,why
don't you get
something your
parents would love
this Christmas? A
fucking flat.

[Bikkie]

Todays the day we all
have one thing on our
mind."I wonder how
much this piece of shit
would make on
Ebay?"

Well,it's Christmas
morning and for a little
something different
my wife has bought a
"Turducken," which is a
chicken inside a duck,
inside a turkey,for
Christmas lunch.She's
just put the beast in the
oven,which means its
almost time for the
bitchtzillapotamus to
arrive.

Christmas is the
only time of the
year where you
can shout "Don't
come in here" and
people won't
assume your
having a wank.

For a few years on
the trot,I worked
in a petrol station
on Christmas day,
and every single
customer would
saY "isn't it a
shame that they
make you work
Christmas day?"
Well,if it bothers
you that much,
don't fucking come
in.

Santa won't be
visiting Indonesia
this year,but he
said he has nipped
past and gave
them a wave.

Apparently the
must have
present in
Indonesia this
Christmas is a
surf board?

I love this time of
year...Atheists
offended by
Christmas
Christians
offended by
"Happy hoildays"
And Muslims
offended by
fucking everything.

I really hate the
Christmas period.I
always seem to
get really horny
this time of year.

This Christmas I
feel like a woman,
that used to be a
man.I no longer
give a fuck.

I phoned my old
mum tonight. "OY
Vey!" she said. "So
you finally call me.
Me,the woman
who gave you life
and bobeshi to
your children.
Work my fingers
to the bone,I did
and all you ever
did was kvetsh.
Your father now
he was a mentsh,
but you are a klutz
and you shlep
around like
shmendrik.
Mum," I said
"You're an Irish
catholic.You've
forgotten to buy
me a Christmas
present,haven't
you?"

As a retail
employee,please
join me in singing
my change.org
petition to ban
Christmas music
from shops.It's
not fun doing a 12
hour shift with 7
different Christmas
songs on repeat.

My wife has
always called me
"Scrooge" and "A
tight-arse" and
"Miserable old
cunt." Well last
wednesday I won
the lottery so I'm
going to give her
the Christmas
present she has
always wanted.
I'm going to fuck
off and live in the
Bahama's.

With Christmas
coming up the
song that every
patient in
hospices up and
down the country
dread has been
appearing on the
radio.Its Last
Christmas by
Wham!

PornHub finally
get it.Wank sites
do not need
Santa hats on
their logo at this
time of year.Tits
and fannies will
be more than
enough.

HOUSEWIVES:
Hang on in there,
only one more
day till your new
vaccum cleaner.

He's making a list,
He's checking it
twice,He's gonna
find out who's
naughty or nice.
Santa Claus is in
contravention of
article 4 of the
General Data
Protection
Regulation ( EU )
2016/679

Hewwo
Markleesson Hope
you velly well Its
me..Fu Kim Yung
wurer of all Hong
Kong.Me buy a
duck with no
wings and no cock.
It dosen't give a
flying fluck.Me
wish you melly
Klissmiss.Now me
eat egg filed lice
from Jan Leemings
velly old and
battered smelly
flanny.Paint the
fence.Paint the
fence.

Things I have in
common with
Santa..1.I eat
other peoples food
if left
unattended.2.I
come once a year.
3.I have a heavy
sack.4.I am a fat
fuck.

[Bikkie]

My last gitlfriend
left me because of
my obession of
touching pasta.
Feeling cannelioni
right now.

Dire Straits are
looking for an
agent in the
Middle East.They
should check out
Qatar George...He
knows all the
Kurds.

If 2x2 makes 4
3x3 makes 9,how
come oxo makes
gravy?

"If you go on
hoilday with your
mates you can
pack your bags
and fuck off." My
wife screamed.
Thanks for the
travelling tips.

A girlfriend is just
a prostitute you
pay for on finance.

Me is double
jointed you knows
Me can smoke two
spiffs at the same
time.

I once dated a
magazine collector.
She had some issues.

In a prison in
Yorshire all the
gay rapists are all
moved into a new
block.First they are
all called into the
gym.They walk in
to find no staff but
see twenty pakis,
nose to the floor,
arses in the air,
undies pulled
down,it's a very
inviting sight to
the other inmates
who soon take full
advantage.
Outside,the head
prison guard
laughs and says
"Go on tell me
who put super
glue on the prayer
mats?"

[Bikkie]

Walked in from
the pub last night,
to see the wife's,
legs akimbo on the
couch shoving a
cat hanger up her
minge.I said,"For
fucks sake why
not use that
massive rabbit
vibrator I bought
you?: she
said,"That's what
I'm trying to fish
out."

My girlfriend said
she likes doggie
style.So after we
had sex,I rubbed
her nose in the
wet patch and
shouted "No."

There's a great
new campaign to
encourage people
to take three
plastic items home
with them every
time they visit the
beach.Yesterday
I took a
megaphone,a
rubber ring and a
whistle from the
lifeguards hut.

How long can you
keep an ounce of
weed for before it
goes bad? I
wouldn't know I
never have mine
for more than a
day.

I couldn't find any
oxo cubes in my
local shop today.
They must have
been out of stock.

In an English
lecture an oxford
linguistic
philosophed argued
"There is no
language in which
a double positive
implies a
negative." "Yeah
righ" I replied.

I really am God's
gift to women:
I'm a cunt.

A woman says to
husband,"I've got
nothing to wear to
the fancy dress." So
he says to her, "pull
your pissflaps over
your head and go as
a sugar puff."

The last time I was
in America I got
pulled over by a
cop.When he
walked up,I
pulled out my
9mm.Once he
stopped laughing
he wrote me up
for indecent
exposure.

I wanted to buy a
house,but I don't
have $
So instead I
bought a $200
flight to Syria and
walked back to
the UK so I could get
one for free.

[Bikkie]

Somewhere in the far East:
"So then what did you
get for Christmas?"
"Oh just the usual,a
Tsunami."

When I left school
for a brief period I
used to sell
security alarms
door to door,and
I was really quite
good at it.If no
one was home.I
would leave a
brochure on their
kitchen table.

Two scots Archie
and Jimmy,are
discussing
Jimmy's wedding.
"Och,it's all goin
brilliant," says
Jimmy."A've got
everthin'sorted,
the fluers, church,
cuars,reception,
rings,meanister,
even me stag
night," Archie
nods approvingly.
"I've even bought
a kilt to be
married in!"
continues Jimmy
"A kilt?" exclaims
Archie."You'll
look smart,
whit's the
tartan?" "Och,"
says Jimmy,
"She'll be in
white!"

"HI I'm the
electrican...
I'm here to
remove your
shorts,and
check your box."

A few famous
quotes: "No need
to repeat your
self.
I ignored you the
first time."
"You are so fat so
I won't sugar coat it,
you would probably
eat that as well."
"Two wrongs don't
make a right ask
your parents."
"You are the reason
the game pool needs
a life guard."
"Don't you just
love nature despite
what it did to you."
"There is a glass
full of shut the
fuck up on the table.
Have a drink."
"Some day
you will go far I
just hope you fucking
stay there."

1973:Smokin in the
boys room.
2018"Vapin in the
gender neutral
restroom.

The only Reason why
I wanted to Be an Adult
was to have sex
All this pay bills
and waking up to go
to work wasn't
the plan....

patient: Hey doc,I would
like to get rid of
my love handles.
Doctor" you sure would
look funny without
your ears.

[Bikkie]

Dear Santa,Thank
you so much for
my new wanking
chair....or
computer chair as
they call them in
Warehouse Stationery.

It;s that depressing
time bewteen
Christmas and New
Year when you've
got to go back to
work but your
heart's not in it.
Unless you're a
MP,then you have
another 2 weeks
off no matter what
fucking state the
country is in.

To avoid taking
down my
Christmas
decorations.I'm
converting my
house into a
chinese
restaurant!

Why did God
invent marriage?
Because hopes and
dreams won't
crush themselves
Y'know.

"Rocking up for gig
in the gig economy.."
What it sounds like
..You and your pop
star mates step out of
a limo snort some
coke do a few bottles
of Jack Daniels
in,before stepping
out on stage in front
of thousands of
adoring fans.What it
is you get off the bus
turn up for work to
do a few hours
cleaning,as and when
required stipulated in
your zero hours
contract.

A cannibal father and
son are walking
through the jungle
when they discover a
gorgeous blonde
showering under a
waterfall..The son
says,"Dad lets fuck
her then take her
home to mum and eat
her." The dad says
"No son lets fuck her
take her home and
eat your mother."

[Bikkie]

I just got kicked out
of my local hospital.
Apparently.the sign
which said."Stroke
Patients Here." Meant
something completely
different than I
thought.

My new football
manager said to me,
"Alright son,since its
your first game I'm
gonna pull you off at
half time." That's
great I thought.At
my last team we only
got oranges.

In this pc age
doctors have decided
to replace the word
obesity with an
abbrevation to
protect the feelings
of suffers.From
now on it will be
knowm as OBCT.

Apparently the average
person has sex 89 times
a year.
This is going to be a
fucking brilliant
week.

paddy and Murphy
are walking on a
roof,when suddenly
Paddy doesn't feel
very well.He says
"Murphy,oi feel sick
and dizzy,so I'm
going home." Murphy
asks,'Have ye got
vertigo Paddy?" Paddy
replies,"No Murphy
oi only live round
the corner.

The biggest problem
of being an athiest
is that there's no-one
to call out to when
you're coming.

I was at a BBQ the
other night and I
made some really
nice sausages.I asked
my mate if he wanted
one.He said "No thanks
mate,I'm
Jewish." "Don't
worry." I replied,
"They're free."

[Bikkie]

Boobies
Nature's stressball.

Status Quo
remained true to
their name as
they use the
exact same tune
on 33 different
songs.

The man who
penned the theme
tune to "Happy
Days" has died.His
funeral will be
Monday,Tuesday...

Bono and The Edge
ran into the back of
my car again today
for the second time in
a month.Talk about
bad luck.When I
went to exchange
details and saw them
I couldn't bekieve my
eyes,"Fuck me," I
said "Not you two
again."

Warning labels are
stupid.I bought some
Deodorant and it says
on the can."Avoid
contact with Eyes."
Too Late,I've
already seen it.

Humpty Dumpty sat
on a crack.Little Bo
peep was sucking his
cock.As soon as he
came she started to
weep.She knew by
the taste he'd been
fucking her sheep.

Scottish Army
regimenys always
send their pipers
into play when they
go into battle.The
enemy use up half
their ammo trying
to shoot a hole
through the
bagpipes.

I said to my wife,
"I want to fuck
you in the hole
that shit come out
of." "I'n not doing
anal," she said.
"You misunderstood," I
replied,"I want a
blowjob."

[Bikkie]

Actor Domic West
reckons the
next bond could be
played by a
transgender actor.
No doubt assisted
by Q and Miss
Funnyfanny.

Just think if
vampires were
real.It would
destroy the
tampon market.

I'm always frank
with my sexual
partners.I
definitely don't
want them
knowing my real
name.

How many
feminists does it
take to get a girl
pregnant? None,love
That's still a
Man's job you can't
do.

Bratwurst
Sauerkrat
Cabbage,Potatoes
Cheese,Beetroot
Onions,Bread
Butter Schindler's
mum's list.

Help me! Help me!
Screamed the mrs
after a fall in the
bathroom.I ran up
stairs and tried to
pick her up.After
struggling for 5 minutes
I deducted that she
was stuck due to
her fannys suction
on the tiled floors.
Not knowing what
to do I called my
brother who is a
tiler and he said,"I
need to crack the
tiles to release the
suction." So I
grabbed a hammer
and ran upstairs
and told her what I
need to do.I
started kissing her
neck squeezing
her tits and licking
her nipples."What
the fuck are you
doing?" she said.
"Well the tiles in
the bathroom are
$35 a square foot
but out in the
hallway there only
$15.So I'm going
to get you wet and
slide you out!!!!

[Bikkie]

China has denied
being secretive
about their Lunar
mission.They just
didn't have anyone
who could
pronounce it
confidently.

A chinese
spacecraft has
first-ever landing
on the dark side of
the moon as it
transmitted a
never-before-seen
image of the
unexplored
surface.
Unforunately the
flash didn't work
so the picture
looks like a close
up of a black man's
arse.

Chinese spacecraft
becomes first
EVER to touch
down on the dark
side of the moon.
The Chinese
National Congress
hold special
meeting to come
up with a
appropirate song
to play as it lands.

China is the first
country to have
landed a spacecraft
on the dark side
of the moon.
A Chinese
spokesman said
|This is a giant
reap for Pink
Froyd."

Who wears an
English shirt and
makes a lot of
passes? Harry Kane
on Mastermind.

As Alexander
Graham Bell put
the ear piece to his
ear and taped the
number,he waited
for the click,he
knew it had
connected,then
the worlds first
telephone call
started with the
voice on the other
end saying,"Your
call is important to
us,please hold for
the next available
operator...."

From a magazine
in the doctor's
waiting room
Letters Column.A
letter from two
sisters about their
recently deceased
mother.After our
mum died we
were sorting her
stuff out when we
came across a
bundle of letters
tied together with
a pink robbon.It
was a very
emotional
moment.We sat
there holding
hands,crying,and
then opened one
of the letters and
slowly started to
read it.Dad was
working away
from home and
sent three letters
per week so there
were a lot of them
to read.In this,
the first letter,he
proclaimed his love
for mum,he told
her he missed her,
but the most
important thing he
said was that he
missed the
amazing shagging
and the things she
could do with her
vaginal muscles
( he didn't use the
word vaginal ).We
didn't read any
more of those
letters.

Einsteins theory of
you not touching
this E=
MCHammer.

My 87 year old
mother gets her
acronyms mixed
up all the time
these days.She
popped into
Greggs last week
and asked for an
LGBT sandwich.

( Credit to Puncrock
on Guardian )

[Bikkie]

For sale the ashes
of actor DeForrest
Kelley famed for
playing Bones the
Dr in the original
StarTrek series.
Contained in a
stylish bronze urn
all offers
considered 100
genuine real
McCoy.

If Ryanair retain
the most
unpopular Airline
trophy again next
year,they will
break the record
set in 1945 by the
Lufwaffe.

My girlfiend
caught me trying
to stick a tiny
blonde wig and a
guitar onto a wasp.
"Don't.You'll make
him sting" she
said.

Statistics show
thirteen people
filed for divorce on
Christmas Day last
year 2018 in the
UK. Why didn't I
think of that as my
gift to the wife?....

Like most men,
I've given my car a
pet name. "START
YOU FUCKING
PIECE OF SHIT!"

( Daily Mail )
An orangutan was kept
as a prostitute in
an Indonesian village.
She was exploited
by local farmers
who would come
to the village and
pay $2 ti have sex
with her.You have
to wonder what
their wife's look
like.

A group of women
MP's have been
reprimaned for
playing
keepy-uppy in the
House of
Commons.
Yeah..........like
there's never been
a fucking balls-up
in there before.

[Bikkie]

I downloaded a
copy of the new
Bohemian
Rhapsody movie,
but I think it was
filmed in a cinema.
I can't make out
what's going on,I
just see a little
silhouetto of a
man.

I seen that new
Queen film in the
out door drive in.
There was a
terrible electrical
storm during the
showing.
Thunderbolts and
lighting.Very,
very frighting.

My wife's a lot
like a broken
record.She's
black and has a
crack problem.


Me thinks the UK
should have a vote
to decide weather
to legalise
cannabis.A lot of
people love Ganja.
Maybe it be called
a reeferendam.

[Bikkie]

My mate's a right
fuckwit.I asked
him if he'd like to
see the forest
where Dick Turpin
spent much of his
time.He said,"Sure
would." I said,"No
that's Robin Hood
you thick cunt."

HOUSEWIVES:
Save money on
expensive
technology
gadgets by
changing your
name to Alexa and
obeying random
instructions from
everyone in your
household.

Humpty Trumpty
built a big Wall
None of the
snowflakes liked
that at all.They
petitioned the
papers but they
blamed "toxic
men." And so
Humpty Trumpty
got elected again.


A world without
adjectives....
would be hard to
describe.

I've just met a
girl who's shit at
multiple choice
tests.She ticks all
the boxes.

First Date: Her:
Lets exchange
numbers. Me:
Won't that confuse
people who are
trying to call us?

[Bikkie]

Man city vs Burton
Burtons goal net
had more balls
slapping against it
than Katie Price's
arse.

Apparently Juile
Andrews will no
longer be
endorsing Rimmel
Vibrant Shades
lipstick,as she
claims it breaks
too easliy and
makes her breath
smell.In a
statement she said
"The super colour
fragile lipstick
gives me
halitosis!"

A friend asked if
I'd like to go
drag racing,heck
I can't even walk
never mind run in
high heels.

Behind every great
woman is a man
who'd love to do
her doggy style.

In 2021,IP data
traffic worlwide is
expected to reach
278,108
petabytes per
month.Or 10
petabytes if they
exclude all the
porn.

[Bikkie]

Article in todays
paper: Why do so
many Mormons back
Trump? I think I've
spotted a typo in
there.

I'll never understand
those liberal hippy
types.First they tell
me nudity is a
perfectly natural state
and not sinful.Then
they tell me
masturbation is
perfectly natural
behaviour and not
sinful.But as soon as
I start cracking one
off at the nudist
beach,they're
straight on the phone
to the cops.

To the women who
say,"Men are only
interested in one
thing." Have you ever
considered being more
interesting?

The N.H.S has bought
out a glossy new
magazine for
Alzheimer's sufferes
and their families.It's
called Vague.

Had shit sex with the
wife again last night,it
was like Eleanor
Rigbys funeral
Nobody came.

My son is at that age
when he's started
crawling.You know
the age."You're the
best dad.Can I have a
tenner?"

I just vaped so hard
they elected a new
pope.

It might be a well used
football cliche but it's
true....You'll never win
anything with Yids.

What do you call a
self-combusting
Muslin? An
overachiever.

I was going to put a
joke on here about
carpentry.But I didn't
think it wood
work........

What's the difference
between Theresa May
and a prostitute? A
prostitute will fuck the
rich as welll,as the
poor.

Say what you like
about the Queen but
she's always on the
money.

[240]

Bro...been looking at your jokes, no offence but I dont think many here know half the names of the references you are using here.Umm i think you need to :Kiwi" ize them or something.
Dont stop though at least some make sense and are funny.

[Bikkie]

"I've discovered the
problem with your
car." my mechanic
said,"It's a Ford."

You may need to
pratice a few times to
get this trick right.
Press the left end of
your left eyebrow up
and press the centre
of the right eyebrow
up and slightly to the
right.Now look in the
mirror and you will see
the creases on your
forehead spell MUG.

I went to see my
doctor the other day.
I said,"That hemorrhoid
cream you prescribed
me,I applied it the
other day as you
directed and I got
a very angry reaction to
it." He asked,"Where
exactly did you apply
it?" I replied,"When
I was going home on
the bus."

Yank: FBI agent
Brit: MI5 agent
Russian: KGB agent
Pakistani: News agent!!....

A patent has been
granted for a bra
that falls off when
you clap your hands.
Weird,I
remember the
days when you
got the clap after
the bra was off.

I've just been
watching a pair of
blue tits in the
garden.I told the
daft bint it was
too cold for
sunbathing!

[Bikkie]

The band Starship
were in Liverpool
recently meeting
single mothers and
were inspired to
rewrite one of their
most famous songs.
"We built this city
on cock and dole."

"Rihana sues father for
fraudulenty using her
name to promote his
firm"
I'm surprised.Most
black girls don't
know who their fathers
are.

Mariah Carey's sueing
her former PA for secretly
filming videos of her.
She said they would be
extremely damaging
if released,although
the lawsuit does not
give further information
as to what the content is.
Pornhub has expressed an
interest,stating their
viewers would love them.
I didn't know pornhub
had a music section.

The police stopped me
and demanded to know
why I had 20 sticks of
dyamite,and a device that
was clearly a detonator...I
broke down and confessed..."I
snatched a Muslim woman's
handbag!"

I was looking at the pencils
in our local stationery store
when I said to the owner, "2b
or not 2b?" "Think your funny?"
he said to me,"Get out you're
bard."

Just had some twat ask me
the way to the mental hospital.
Bloody asylum seeker.

So upskirting is made illegal
huh? I'm gonna start
downblousing then!!!

[Bikkie]

Archduke Franz Ferdinand
and Prince Phillip.
The Dukes Of hazard.

I'm not putting on a tin
foil hat here,but a week
before Abraham Lincoln
was shot he was in Monroe
Maryland and a week before
John F Kennedy was shot
he was in Marilyn Monroe.

My wife is leaving me
because of my obsession
with The Beatles and she
has fucked off to the
Isle of wight.
Yeah,she's got a ticket
to Ryde.

Whenever I talk about
rim job,it's
just tongue in cheek.

A queer goes into a
chemist and says,
"Could I have a jar
of vaseline please"
The chemist says,
"Is it for cold sores?"
The queer replied,"No
it's for chaps."

I've just tried some
of of the Elvis Costello's
new Medteranean sauages.
They were wonderful.I
think olive salami
is here to stay.


A church notice reads:
"The box named FOR THE
SICK" is for monetary
contributions only.

"chef,darf ich
heute zwei stunden
fruher schluss machen?
Meine Fray will
mit mir einkaufen
gehen." "Kommt
ger nicht in Frage."
"vielen Donk chef,ich
wussle,sie wurden mich
micht im stich lassen."
( This one's for the mods )
For those of us who don't
speak German.
"Boss,may I break up two
hours earlier today? My
wife wants to go
shopping with me."
# "It's out of the question."
"Thank you boss.I knew
you wouldn't let me down."

[Bikkie]

The Who have announced
their first tour for
decades.They had to wait
for the support act
ST.Winifred's choir to
age enough to appear with
Pete Townsend.

What is the difference
between a raven and
a crow? Ravens have
seventeen wing feathers
with the end feather
called a pinion,in
contrast to crows having
only sixteen wing feathers.
Therefore it is just a matter
of a pinion.

Give a woman food,she
will make you a meal,
Give a woman a house,
she will make it a home.
Give a woman love,and
she will repay you in kind.
Give a woman marriage and she
will make your life
a fucking misery.

A DVD is soon to
be released of
Susan Boyle losing
her viginity.
"Popping The Boyle"
wiil be available
at all good retailers.

What does pussy
and a fried egg
have in common?
Your taste buds
will let you know
if they're been
laid that day.

What do you call a
scottish woman who's
having a heavy period?
Morag.

[Bikkie]

londonderry car bomb ISIS
( Islamic State In Sligo )
have claimed resonsibilty.

When I die I want
to be buried with
some bronze
arrowheads and
my car keys,just
to piss
archaeologists off
years from now.

How do deaf
people hear their
own thoughts?

Famous moments that marked a
major change in a persons life:
"Gimme those binoculars,I want
to watch the solar eclipse!"
( Stevie Wonder )

"What's a female Muslims
favourite clothing?" "Dunno"
"A black bin liner."
"That's sack religious."

[Bikkie]

Decorated the toilet walls with
mirrored tiles instead of the floral
patterned tiles my wife chose.
She's normally a moody bitch but
this time she's seen her arse.

Paul McCartney has decided to
admit he's getting older and stop
colouring his hair and has been
spotted with his new grey mop top.
Before he got dye with a little
help from his friends.Now it's
can't dye me love.

I thought to myself "I need
to get my life in order."
So I went to the homless
shelter,they gave me a hot meal
and a bed for the night.
Then I went to the animal
shelter,adopted a new dog
to keep me company on the long
cold nights.But when I went to
the woman's shelter,to pick
up a new girlfriend
I'm called a misogynist.

This might be an old one
but I hadn't heard it
before,told by my mate,a
carpenter,when we were
talking about workmanship.
"Yea," he said,"I got the
sack once for being just
two mil out!" "That was
a bit harsh," I said."It
was ok" he said,"I didn't
really want to be an
accountant anyway."

( found on net )

I have recently been
employed as a nightwatchman
by a security firm owned
by my ex girlfriend.
My wife is furious that I
still carry a torch
for her.

Hooray for the weekend.
Time to do all those
jobs around the house
that she didn't bother
with the whole week when
I was at work,but suddenly
need doing when I have
days off.

[Bikkie]

Just been
watching a lesbian
porn 3D Blu-ray
on my HD TV.For
added affect I put
2 open cans of
tuna on the
radiator,it's like
I'm in the room!

My gay next door
neighour's a right
cunt he said,"You
can tell a lot about
a person by their
dog and yours is
an ugly stupid
mongel isn't it?"
I said,"I agree,I
see you and your
boyfriend couldn't
find a faggot
hound so you've
settled on a brown
cockerpoo."

I went up to a girl
in the club last
night and said,
"That's a nice
dress.Do you
know what it
would look even
better on?" "Let
me guess," she
sighed,"Your
bedroom floor?"
"No," I replied,"A
better looking
girl"

2016 BMW M4 for
sale.Good
condition.
Indicators only
used twice.

I got an e-mail advertising
guaranteed penis enlargement
for $1.99.
I clicked the link entered
my details and the
bastards stole my identity
and cleaned out my bank
account.
Still it sort of worked.
I feel a massive prick now.

I've just had a quote from
shakespeare insurance
about my crashed Toyota.
I think they have written
it off.
"Alas poor Yaris,I
knew him well."

I told my wife she had a
tight cunt but no tits.
She replied,"Get off
my back."

Mat of mine bought a dog.
He said it was vicious as
fuck and tried to bite
anyone.
I said muzzle him.He said,
probably but I didn't
think dogs were religious.

[Bikkie]

To my knowlege
there has been only
Eleven times in
history where the F
word has been
consided acceptable
for use:
11.What the fuck do you mean
we're sinking?-Captain
E.J.Smith of RMS
Titanic,1912
10.What the fuck was
that?-Mayor of
Hiroshima,1945
9.Where did all these
fucking Indians come
from?-Custer,1877
8.Any fucking idiot
could understand
that-Einstein,1938
7.It does fucking
look like her!-Picassco,1926
6.How the fuck did
you work that out?-Pythagoras,126BC
5.You want WHAT on
the fucking ceiling?-Michaelangelo,1566
4.Scattered fucking showers,my
arse!-Noah,4314BC
3.AW c'mon.Who the fuck
is going to find out?-Bill Clinton,1999
2.Geez,I didn't think they'd
get this fucking mad-Saddam Hussein-2003
1.Just get that fucking
handrail fixed-Robert Maxwell,1991

What's the difference between
Everton and a cup of tea? The
tea stays in the cup longer!

The Toffees crashed out to
lowly Millwall.What a FACup.

How do you spot a blind guy on
a nude beach? It's not hard.

Sperm banks are places people
go for hand made babies.

[Bikkie]

The cast of Black Panther took
home a host of prizes from the
Screen Actors Guild awards last
night.As some stupid fucker
left the cloakroom unguarded.

I saw a Flock of
seagulls tribute
band last night.
Called A Murder Of
Crows.

The dog stood
in the lounge with
a hard on doing an
air fuck and the
missus said,"Oh
bless.What does
he look like?"
Then I remembered
Theresa May's
African dancing.

Fifteen years ago
the internet was
an escape from the
real world.Today
the real world is
the escape from
the internet.

My girlfriend
phoned me up
today."I've got
some KY Jelly.Do
you fancy some
backdoor fun
later?" Brilliant I
can't wait to see
her mums face
when she tries
opening the door
after I've smeared
the handle with it.


I got pulled over
by the police last
night,as I wound
down the window,
the officer said,
"Good evening sir,
and drugs or
alcohol?" To which
I stupidly replied,
"Yeah what you
got?"

They say if you
want to find a drug
dealer,walk into a
pub and look for
the ugliest bastard
with the fittest
bird.Right,I need
some coke,does
anyone know
which is Ed
Sheerans local?

My Lesbian neighbours
Eva and Julia asked
me to help them
conceive a child
recently.They said
they wouldn't mind if
we did it the "old
fashioned way" as
they weren't men
haters! For six
months now we've
been trying but I just
don't have the heart
to tell them I had a
vasectomy last year?

[Bikkie]

Two Hillbillies walk
into a restaurant.
While having a bite to
eat,they talk about
their moonshine
operation.Suddenly,a
woman at a nearby
table,who is eating a
sandwich,beings to
cough.After a minute
or so it becomes
apparent that she is in
real distress.One of
the hillbillies looks at
her and says,"Kin ya
swallar?" The woman
shakes her head no.
Then he asks,"Kin Ya
breathe?" The woman
begins to turn blue and
shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over
to the woman,lifts up
her dress.Yanks down
her knickers,and
quickly gives her right
butt cheek a lick with
his tongue.The
woman is so fucking
shocked that she has a
violent spasm,and the
obstruction flies out of
her mouth.As she
begins to breathe
again,the hillbilly
walks slowly back to
his table.His partner
says,"Ya know,I'd
heard of that there
"Hind Lick Maneuver"
but I aint never seed
nobody do it!"

Why did Moses and
the jews wander in
the desert for 40
years searching?
Because one of them
had dropped 20c.

When you see a
bunch of niggers line
up in a race at the
olympics,you know
they are all gonna be
fast.Because all the
slow ones are in jail.

Two women were
talking.One said,"Do
you look at your
husband's face when
you're having sex?"
The other replied
"I did once and he
ended up beating the
shit out of me" "Why
was that?" asked the
first woman.The other
replied "Because he was
outside looking through
the fucking window."

During labour a
nurse came up to my
wife and I and said
"Have you thought
about Epidural
Anesthesia?" I said..
"Thanks but we've
already picked a
name!"

[Bikkie]

I found a magic lamp and
wished for a cock loke an
elephant's trunk.It's a hit with
all the ladies but I can't go in a
bakery without stealing all
the buns.

Swinging by for the super bowl
Means something completely
different at Snoop Dogg's
house.

If the stork is the bird of
births...Then the swallow must
be the bird of birth control?

My daughter said
"Will you drive my
hamster to the vets?"
I did too....I've got a
wicked good swing
with a golf club.

"Yes we have
reservations..but we'll
eat here
anyway!"...What I say
to every greeting
waiter/waitress in a
restaurant!

How to start an
argument online!
1.Express an opinion
2.Wait

My thought for the day!
Pissflaps-Is it
just one word,or
should I spread them
apart?

[Bikkie]

The world record for a 30
second advertisment will be
set during superbowl 2019.A
cool 5 million! By the Duke
of Edinburgh appealing for
someone to insure him to
drive.

I once stayed at a gay hotel in
the lake district that was
supposed to be haunted.I
didn't actually see a ghost but
the landlord and his partner did
put the willies up me.

Love watching kickboxer.
Nothing says Thailand like a
Belgian playing an American
doing a chinese marial art in
front of a cambadian temple.

Why don't cats shave?
Because 8 out of 10 cat
owners said their cats
prefer Whiskas.

"Where the fuck have you
been?" shouted my wife."It's
been three days!" "It's your
fault," I replied."When I went
out you told me not to come
home drunk again."

My beautiful daughter picked
her way slowly down the stairs
looking resplendent in her
shimmering silk wedding dress.
A ribbon bedecked Rolls-Royce
idled outside.As the
bride-to be entered the lounge
my wife piped up,"Give us a
twirl,give us a twirl!" I thought
"Typical,our first born is getting
married in half an hour and all
she can think about is stuffing
her fat fucking face with
chocolate flake bars!"

I got booted off my market stall
yesterday for fuck all...This wee
chinese man walked by,so I
stopped him and said,"Do you want
to buy a baseball cap?"...He replied
"No," so I kept persevering and he
lost the rag..."I keep telling you
no,no,no so why you keep
wanting me to buy baseball cap?"...
...I replied,"Because it looks as
though the sun's in your eyes"...

A child has won an award for 999
call.My daughter's well pissed off,
she's made well over a thousand
and won fuck all.

[Bikkie]

So Liam Neeson wanted to kill
an innocent black man on the
street for no reason
whatsoever.Since when has any
black man been innocent?

I thougt I was watching
Mississippi Burning earlier
before I realised its what
Liam Neeson sent into You've
Been Framed in 1994.

When Liam Neeson said what
he said about walking the
downtown streets with a
metal-bar and looking for
a black man to kill,but
not being able to find
one,I couldn't believe
it....Did he not check
the public toilets?

So 40 years ago Liam Neeson
walked the streets of Dublin
with a metal-bar looking for
black men.If we had know
that we could have encouraged
Bob Geldolf and Bono to do
an Al Jolson duet.

The chinese regret to inform
Muslims worldwide,that this is
the year of the pig!

Pisses me off that some silly
cunt somewhere makes up shit
like Januhairy and Movember.
I remember when we knew the
months by the four seasons,
Fucking cold,Getting warmer,
Rainy months,and soon be
Fucking cold again.

I always try to have sex with
new girlfriends in the toilet
so if and when we break up I can
tell everybody that she take it in
the shitter.

[Bikkie]

After taking advice from his
agent,Liam Neeson has
decided to change his name in
order to start afresh with his
movie career.He'll now be
known as Liam Swatsanigger.

I n the interest of racial
harmony,Liam Neeson has
paid for thousands of Ethnic
Geometric pictures to be given
to members of the Black
community without charge
Apply online @
www.freeneesonmandala

Breaking News:Man dies after
overdosing on viagra.His wife
took it very hard.

Sky News have warned that we
need to brace ourselves for ten
centimetres tonight.I don't like
the way my wife rolled her eyes
when she heard that.

Back in my day we
didn't have as many
warning labels.
People weren't so
fucking stupid.

[Bikkie]

Who runs faster than a black guy
with a stolen TV? His little brother
with the remote.

I was dating a new girl,she was fit,
fun abd a bit of a cheeky spunky
sort too.We were saving money
for a flat,so I said to her,"Why do
I buy condoms when you never
make me wear them?" she
sniggered,"Probably the same
reason I bring my purse out on a
date,knowning I'll never spend a
penny!"

The chinese coined the phrase "It's
not you...it's me" while looking at
their family albums!!

The wife said,"I'm sick to death of
you,everything I say goes in one
ear and straight out the other" I
said,"You know most of the time if
I'm lucky it doesn't even go in one
ear."

Technology has immesurably
improved men's sex lives over
the last 40 years.The pages of
pornHub don't get stuck
together.

My uncle is a Gynaecologist,he
retired last year but sill does a
bit of part-time work.He likes
to keep his hand in.

Got home from work and saw
the post-it note on the fridge.
In bold letters "I've left you" I
poured myself a celebratory
whisky kicked off my shoes and
put on my favourite porn dvd.I
was mid wank when the door
opened and there stood the
wife with her mother.My wife
ushered her mum shrieking in
shock out of the room.I got
dressed sheepishly and noticed
the yellow bit of paper stuck on
the sole of the shoe I'd kicked
off,it read "a lasagna in the
oven,gone shopping with mum
back soon xxx"


When I was a child,if I saw
someone with something I
couldn't have,I wanted to ruin
it for them out of bitter jealous
petty resentment,but I grew
out of it....unlike feminists.

My sister has 2 jobs,doing
wedding buffets and worling in
the cervical smear clinic.
preparing the patients.She
prides herself for always putting
on a good spread.

[Bikkie]

Ozzie Osbourne
the Black Sabbath
front man has
been rushed into
intensive care.
Raising serious
concerns about his
health. .Sharon
said that doctors
fear the worst.
Others think that
they are just being
paranoid.

According to a
survey,17% of
men would allow
their sporting idol
to have sex with
their girlfriend or
wife.So would I,
but then again my
sporting idol is
Maria Sharopova.

Whenever I eat at
McDonald's I like
to have a Happy
Meal.So I make
sure I leave the
wife and kids at
home where they
fucking belong.

Be wary when
someone offers to
cook a classical
recipe curry.This
morning taking a
dump my arse was
in rhythm with the
William Tell
overture.

My girlfriend told
me she hoped I
had something
special planned for
Valentine's Day.I
said,"I'm working
on it." and she
smiled,which was
weird as I thought
she would be
upset that I'm
having to work on
Valentine's Day.

[Bikkie]

El Chapo the
notorious drug
lord,has been
found guilty of
trafficking at a
New York City
trial and will now
spend the rest of
his life in a U.S
prison.There you
go Trump,a
cheaper wall for
Mexicans.

[husaberg]

https://i.imgur.com/fn69uQ0.jpghttps://pics.me.me/who-is-the-best-boxer-ofall-time-jim-jones-he-24191275.pnghttps://pics.me.me/hey-girl-can-i-get-you-a-drink-jim-jones-14710693.png

[Bikkie]

Union bosses are
blaming Brexit as
Honda plans to
shut down its
Swindon plant in
2022.Swindon's
MP Justin
Tomlinson insisted
the decision was
not down to
Britain's departure
from the EU and
Honda are leaving
by their own
Accord.

[Bikkie]

The Kursaal flyers..
..song....little does
she know has been
remixed..The
Donald Rumsfeld
mix,Little does
she know that I
know that she
knows that "We
know,there are
known knowns:
there are things
we know we
know.We also
know there are
known unknowns;
that is to say we
know there are
some things we do
not know.But
there are also
unknown.
unknowns-the
ones we don't
know we don't
know"

In the original
star-trek series
the cheif engineer
was called scotty
and the doctor was
called bones.In
the lastest star-trek
series both the
cheif engineer and
doctor are gay.
Not so much bones
and scotty more
like bones up botty.

Cliff Richard to
re-record one of
his old hits to
appease the
Muslim
community."Got
myself a ugly
unshaven fifteen
year old stinking
jihadi doll."

Apparently a Harry
Potter actress has
turned her hand to
herb gardening.
Well I for one will
be googling images
of "Emma
Watson's mint
bush."

Animal Cruelty
1.Cat on a hot tin roof.

2.Not enough room to swing a cat.

3.Not a cat in hells chance.

4.Raining cats and dogs.

5.Cat gut tennis rackets.

6.More than one way to skin a cat.

7.Don't let the cat out of the bag.

8.Curiosity killed the cat No
wonder the fuckers need nine lives.

I took my wife on one of those
fairground rides where you go
UP and DOWN,ROUND and
ROUND,UP and DOWN,
ROUND and ROUND."There
you are bitch," I said "That's
what it feels like having an
argument with you."

I signed up for some aerobics
classes and was told to wear
loose fitting clothing! If I had
any loose fitting clothing..I
wouldn't have signed up in the
first place!

"Lets play chinese
whispers." I said
quietly to my wife.
"Gag me then stick
your cock up my
arse first," I
thought she'd
replied.

I don't need
pictures of my
wife on my phone
to remind me of
her.The screen
has a massive
crack in it.

I call my kids
Lager and
Guinness.The
wife's bitter.

[Bikkie]

The offical list of
emojis for 2019
has been updated
to include a drop
of blood,which is
meant to
symbolise
menstruation,
Although,if tech
companies really
wanted to
accurately portray
the suffering
caused by periods,
they should use an
emoji of a
husband quietly
masturbating in
the bathroom.

BBC NEWS: Russia
to unplug from the
internet.In other
news,75% of the
world's porn
has disappeared.

I'm not saying I
love Europe But
my record shop is
called The Vinyl
Countdown.

I asked my
girlfriend if she
would jack me off.
"Ew! Don't put it
like that," she said,
"It sounds so
sordid.Couldn't
you use a bit of
French,the
language of love?"
"Ok" I replied.
"Would you
Jaques me off?"

The narriage of
Rupert Murdoch
and Jerry Hall is
still going strong.I
always thought
Jerry Hall was
where Nazis held
their balls.

I was an olympic
gold medalist in
the premature
ejaculation
competition.My
girlfriend was still
pissed off that I
didn't come
second.

I went to the
Doctors today and
found out I am
'tri-sexual'
Anything sexual I'll
fucking try it.

What's that movie
with the kids and
the clown in the
sewer...I can't
think of the name
of it.

Just been to Pizza
Hut. Waitress:"What
would you like
to drink?" Me:"I'd
like a coke please."
Waitress:"Is pepsi
ok?" Me:"Is Monopoly
money ok?"

"ANTIFA"
Its like saying
COMMUNIST
But with a cock in your
mouth.

[Bikkie]

Apparently,'Dydd
Gwyl Dewi Hapus'
means 'Happy St
David's Day' in
Wales.Who knew
the Welsh were
dyslexic?

I was taking the
piss out of a man
wearing a ridiculas
wig today... ...he
had the last laugh
though.Sentenced
me to 3 years!

My uncle once got
his DeLorean up to
88mph,and
ended up 30 years
in the future.
That's how long he
got for hitting that
bus queue.

Dear Ryan Adams,
Thanks for fucking
up my album sales.
Yours sincerely,
Bryan Adams.

So I managed to
convince the blond
chick in a bar I was
rich last night by
telling her I had a
golden retriever.

BMW death traps:
More than
250,000 cars in
Britian are at risk
of bursting into
flames.Luckily,
the fault only
appears if the
indacators are
used.

Women love a
man brimming
with confidence.
Because without
that,what is there
to destroy?

[Bikkie]

Back when we had
to rent movies,my
wife sent me out
to rent "Sent Of A
Woman." I
brought home a
tape that night,
and my wife
looked at it and
said,"What the
fuck is this?" "I
couldn't find it,so
I rented "A Fish
Called Wanda."

Now girl gymnasts
have to share
changing rooms
with boys who
identify as female.
In my day,we had
to drill a hole in
the wall.

The wife was away
this weekend as
she left she
shouted "Have
fun." And you
know,it started
the moment the
fucking door shut
behind her.

Tory MP Nick
Boles has tweeted
he finds
'something
irresistible' about
Labour MP Jess
Phillip.A posh
way of saying,he
likes plain looking
women with big
tits as they might
be up for a shag.

The fairy God mother
says to Cinderella
"Don't forget cinders if
you are not home by
the final stroke of the
bell at midnight your
dress will become
rags and your pussy
will turn into a
pumpkin." Cinders is
dancing at the ball
and meets a
handsome young man
...she tells him her
name and asks him
his.He says "Peter
Peter pumpkin eater
what time do you
have to be home
pretty lady?" She
replies "Dunno 3 ish
maybe 4 oclock in the
morning."

I was getting a bit
frisky with the
sexy polish girl
that works in the
7/11 last night.
"Giz a kiss
beauiful," I said
with a wink."Go
away creepy
man," she replied.
"Don't be like
that," I said,as I
reached across the
counter with
puckered lips.
"Come on!" just
one kiss...." "You
want I scream?"
she said backing
away....I said,"Go
on then,I'll have a
cornetto...."

I asked my mate if he
could get me a job at
the tampon factory
where he works.
"There's no openings,"
he replied,"But I'll see
if I can pull some
strings."

After finding 5 Mars
bars,3 snickers,a
Flake and a packet of
H&M'S,I'm starting to
think I'm not cut out
to be a Bounty
hunter.....

Do strippers in the
southern hemishere
spin around pole in
the opposite direction
that strippers in the
Northern hemisphere
do?

[Bikkie]

"I'm still standing
better than I ever
did,Looking like a
true survivor,
feeling like a little
kid." Are we sure
Elton's not a paedo
as well as a
bender?

Keith Richards was
sitting in a tree again
when a pair of
Magpies shit on
him.Now for a
senile old junkie he
was pretty fucking
quick off the mark
was old Keith and
caught both the
cunts and wrung
their necks.So
there you go,two
birds killed with
one stone.

There is such a
thing as life after
death.It's called
divorce.

Stevie Wonder-7
kids,David
Blunkett-5 kids,
Ray Charles-12
kids.I think it's
safe to say it's not
wanking that
makes you go blind.

[Bikkie]

So blacks are the
fastest runners
and whites are the
best swimmers,the
polar ice caps
are melting,Evolution
at work.


If anything good
comes out of
global warming it
will be that in a
few years Dancing
On Ice won't be on
the fuckin TV...

Women are scarily
perceptive.This
really hot chick in
the local coffee
shop just served
me a coffee and
then said,"Do come
again." How did she
know.

I went out with
this girl I met
online.I had seen
where she had
written that,"The
sexiest thing is
when a man starts
screet-talking me
in a foreign
lanuage!" Well I
went for it.But for
some reason she
looked completely
unimpressed when
I started
serenading her in Klingon.

I was dressed to
the nines stood in
the posh west end
bar when some
bird wearing a fur
coat came up to
me,"The place
isn't full you
know.: She
winked,"Why don't
you come sit
with me,I love a
man with money."
I said,"Oh yeah,well
I've got piles."
"Show me," she
insisted with a
wry smile on her
face.So I bent
over and pulled my
pants down.

black Dictionary
result for black
/blak/submit
adjective one
of the very darkest
colour owing to
the absence of or
complete absorption
of light: the opposite
of white.
cunt Dictionary
result for cunt
/k#nt/submit
noun VULGAR SLANG
a woman's genitals.
Defintions from a
world renown dictionary
of two words But,oh,use
them together and
all of a sudden you're
a fucking racist.

[Bikkie]

"Right class" said the
teacher,"Can anyone
use the word
momumental in a
sentence?" "I can
Miss," replied little
Johnny."Go on then
she encouraged.He
said,"The other day
my dad went up to
this massive nigger
and threatened to
smash his fucking face
in,the nigger replied
"Mon u mental get
the fuck out of here."

Adam and Eve.
First people in
history to not read
the Apple terms
and conditions.

An unmarried woman
regularly blowing the
cock of a married rich
man is a misstress.An
unmarried woman
regularly blowing the
cock of a married poor
man is a slag.


I'm not saying I
love the entire
solar system.But
my record shop is
called The Vinyl
Frontier.

Great thing about
being a man who
has the flu,you
never have to
explain the box of
tissues sitting next
to the computer.

A girl looked at my
hands and said
"Ah,you must be
a single guy!"
"How'd you
guess No
wedding ring?" I
replied
sarcastically."No,
one palms much
shinner than the
other" she
answered

Can't help thinking
....there's quite a
few Indian women
who try putting
their lipstick on,
just as their
husbands slams on
the brakes of the
car.

So..You can call
black people
'people of colour'
but you can't call
them 'coloured?!
Last time I looked
in the dictionary
'coloured' was the
adjective of the
verb 'colour',Are
people making this
PC shit as they
go along? Why
can't we go back
to the good old
fashion term
'darkies' That's
nice and quaint
and does exactly
what it says on the
tin.

I was arrested in
PC world for theft
It was the doctors
fault because he
told me I had to
keep taking the
tablets.

[Bikkie]

I can drive a
woman wild with
my tongue.It's
simple.I say
"Have you put
weight on?"

There's a dwarf on
Good Morning
Britian,arguing
that wrestling is
offensive...He
wasn't Happy.

My Muslim wife
wanted to try
swinging.Before
that she went on
the roundabout
and the slide.

As we stood
outside her front
door,she kissed
me and whispered,
"Do you want to
stay here
tonight?" "No."
I
replied,and went
home.Why would
I want to stand
outside her front
door all fucking
night?

I often stare at a
prominent sign on
the wall at my
Gym that declares
"NOTHING IS
IMPOSSIBLE." And
everytime I think
"Whoever wrote
that never tried to
cancel their
membership.

I was having an
affair with my
English teacher,but
she dumped
me after we had
anal sex.She
didn't approve of
my improper use
of the colon.

[Bikkie]

I asked my wife
"Am I the only one
you've been with?"
"Yes...but
I've had some
sevens and eights."
she replied.

Got held up going
to work by an
asian lollipop lady,
she held me there
for 20 minutes as
she let the entire
primary school
cross,every single
one of the kids
asian.In the end I
got out and started
handing out
condoms to her
and the cofused
parents.I said,"Use
these,that's how
you stop children."

Why is it that the
smaller and
narrower the
speed hump.The
more fucking
damage it does to
your car?

Endless love.....
Stevie Wonder and
Ray Charles playing
tennis.


The music industry
tells us that money
made from piracy
goes to fund the
illegal drug industry.
Surely rock stars do
the same with the
money they make
through legel record
sales.When they stop
breaking the law,so
will I.

Me and the Missus
made our very first
sex video last night
and she has
suggested we should
give it a title.She was
far from happy when I
came up with
"Enter The Dragon."

[Bikkie]

I got chatting to
a Scottish bloke
in the pub
tonight,"Have
you heard about
that cruise ship
stranded off the
coast of
Sweden?",I said.
"Norway!!",he
replied.
"Honestly". I
said."You can see
it on the news
now."

A Scotsman
was up in court
accused of snagging a
cat.The Magistrate let
him off because in
40 years of being on
the bench,he'd never
heard of a Scotsman
putting anything in a
kitty.

I have a phobia about
escalators and lifts.I
always take steps to
avoid them.

A naked woman
robbed a bank.
Nobody could
remember her face.

You should never
give up on your
dreams! So roll over
and go back to sleep.

Persil have just
invented a washing
powder so strong that
it can remove stains
from Middlesex.

I went up to a
homless man sitting
on a bench in the
town centre today
with a cup of coffee
for him I sat next to
him and asked how
he'd got in this
position.He said to
me,"You know,three
weeks ago I had it all,
my own
accomodation,a cook,
good food,the internet,
TV,I used to
go to the gym,to the
swimming pool,the
library,everything" I
replied, "Blimey,that's
a bit rough,what
happened,bad luck,
divorce,drugs,alcohol
problems?" He said
"No,I got released
from prison."

It's a bad day I have
to tell the wife the
mortgauge the credit
cards and the woman
I've been having an
affair with are all
3 months overdue.

My mate said,"It
must be awful for you
having a surname like
Depressant," I said,
"It's a lot worse for
my Auntie."

[Bikkie]

I've asked my wife
to mark on the
calendar the days
she's on her
period.It worked,but
hopefully next
time she'll use
a pen.

My new girlfriend
came up to me as
I was stacking
washing powder in
countdown.She said,
"You lying bastard,
you told me you
were a stunt pilot."
"No I didn't" I replied,
"I told you I was
in the Aerial
display team."

The wife was trying
to be sexy for me
last night,when I
went upstairs she
was lying naked
sucking a lollipop
then she stuck it
up her vigina.I
said,"Becareful
with that love,
you will need it
for getting the
kids across the
road tomorrow.

Snooker is like a
council house
waiting list.If your
black,you get
more points than
any other colour,
especially whites
who do all the
work and are
worth nothing.

If at first you don't
succeed...Try
doing it the way
your husband
told you.

With all these
months now
having slogans
connected to them
for doing something
such as "Stopping
drinking for stoptober,
growing a Mustache
for Movember" and
such like This is a
good thing but I
will be drawing the
line at "Gaypril."

I was chatting up
this really hot girl
in the pub last
night when she
said,"If you want
to come back to
mine I'll let you
lick my pussy out."
So I made an
excuse to go for a
piss then fucked
off out the back
door,I'm not into
that beastiality
shit!

[Bikkie]

A midget goes into
a chemist's shop
and says,"I want
the biggest
condom you
have." The
chemist gets out
the largest they do
and the midget
says,"That's not
big enough.What
about the one
outside?" The
chemist replies
"Well that's only
for advertising
purpose and isn't
for sale." "Name
your price." said
the midget.So the
chemist eventually
sells him this large
rubber prop for
$50.The midget
then stretches it all
over his body until
he's completely
covered."What do
you think?" he
asks.The chemist
looks embarrassed
and says,"Well
actually you look
like a big prick."
"Thank fuck for
that," said the
midget."I'm tired
of being called a
little cunt!"

I called into camera house
today to pick up some
photos I'd taken of my
girlfriend naked."Would
you like the negatives?"
Asked the guy as he handed
me the package."Yes
please!" I replied.He
said,"Your girlfriend's got
saggy tits and a fat
arse."

I texted my wife this
afternoon,"Darling,I
had a bad accident at
work this morning and
fell from a great height,
Sarah kindly rushed
me to the hospital,the
doctors have
examined me and
tested me,they have
x-rayed the damage in
my legs and say I may
never walk again,and
will possibly stay in a
wheelchair for the rest
of my life." She texted
back "Who's Sarah?"

My wife left me about
a fortnight ago
because of my
obsession with Sinead
O'Conner.It's been
7 hours and 15 days.

My mate just asked
me what ringtone I
have.I said,I haven't
really looked.But I'll
guess at light Brown.

[Bikkie]

Perhaps next year
we can put the
clocks back to
1940; when this
country last had
some balls....

Gays to be stoned
in Brunei....I see
they have a Liberal
attitude to the
drug culture over
there; very
forward thinking....

An apple a day
keeps the doctor
away.Unless you
are allergic to
apples.

Soliders are to be
investigated after
shooting at a
poster of Labour
leader Jeremy
Corbyn,an army
spokesman
quoted,"This is
absolutely
outrageous and
charges will be
forthcoming.Not
one of the soliders
involved hit the
fucking target."

The House of
Commons has been
suspended due to
a water leak I
thought has always
been full of drips.

Raheem Sterling
has kindly paid for
550 school kids to
go and watch Man
City V Brighton in
the F.A cup this
saturday.The tight
bastard could have
paid for the other
50 fans to go too.

[Bikkie]

Imagine how
funny it would be
if the sultan of
Brunei's first name
was Hassanal.

Now that
adulterers in
Brunei are in such
dire straits,they
could do with a
Sultan of swingers.

BREAKING NEWS
from Granda
Television: To
honour the first
black family
moving into
Coronation Street,
the letter 'r' is to
be dropped from
'Coronation.'

Gary Brooker came
into my hardware
shop looking for a
bucket,but he
didn't want the
silver heavy
ionised ones,he
wanted something
light,"Here,have
a look at these
plastic ones,cheap
and everlasting,
only got them in
white though
should be fine for
you.Especially if
you are looking for
a whiter shade of
pale."


When I was over
at my mate's
house,I asked
him,"What's that
horrible screeching
sound? It sounds
like nails on a
blackboard." "Oh,
sorry about that."
he replied,turning
the TV down...
"Our local football
club just hired a
female
commentator."

I fixed my mother
in laws gas boiler
today whilst she
was out shopping.
Fingers crossed
that she will be
over the moon!

I could see she
was going to fold
when I put my
chips on the table.
"Move your
dinner." she said,
"I'm doing fucking
laundry."

The wife's just
told me she
wants a black lab.
pfft.As if coons
know how to
operate
microscopes and
Bunsen burners.

I recently took a
pole and found out
100% of the
occupants were
angry with me
when their tent
collapsed.

I used to be in a
band called The
Crack Addicts: we
did rock I also
used to be in a
band called The
Overinflated
Ballon: We did
pop.Again,used
to be in a band
called The
Hydraulic Press
we did heavy
metal.

[Bikkie]

A Japanese F-35A
sleath fighter has
crashed over the
pacific ocean.I
see those little
cunts are up to
their old tricks
again.

Scientists publish
picture of first
black hole? I saw
several on
Youporn years
ago.

"Veiw Giant
Monster Black
Hole." My search
history on
pornhub.Or a
headline on BBC
news.Could be
both.

Peolpe who say
'Talking about
climate change is
the tip of the
iceberg' Arent
they missing the
point?

Not driving your
car and keeping
the mileage low to
maximise the
resale value is like
not shagging your
girlfriend to keep
her fanny tight for
the next bloke.

There are two
words that have
opened many
doors for me in
life.Push and Pull.

Apparently my
premature
ejaculation causes
her anger issues.
We are The Fast and
The Furious.

[Bikkie]

Freshly posted
first photo of
black hole.The
terrifying natural
phenomenon that
pulls everything
and from which
there is no escape.
That's this week's
contribution to
Readers Wives
sorted out then.

If you think about
it,Easter is the day
when people
purposely put all
their eggs into one
basket.

Muslim lesbians
hate rock Accept
rolling stones.

Thanks to
accidentally
leaving my private
computer on and
my wife getting on
it,I'm now stuck
taking the bitch on
an expensive trip
to Greece this
summer.She said,
"Oh darling,I can't
wait to see what
you've got
planned...I saw all
those late night
searches you did
for 'Lesbos'!"

Since the wife lost
weight I don't see
as much of her as I
used too.

Prince charming
Drew close to
snow white.He
put his lips to her
ear."BEFORE I
KISS YOU I JUST
NEED YOU TO
SIGN THIS
CONSENT FORM!!"

BBC: Meghan
Markle to give
birth imminently.
That's one Royal
opening I'd pay
good money to
see.

[Bikkie]

Will Smith has
been
dethroned..he is
no longer the
Fresh Prince.

Well done
Meghan! At least
one of the royal
family will now
have a huge cock.

Just spotted
Prince Harry and
his mates down
the local pub
wetting the babies
head,and I've
noticed that the
traditional brandy
and cigars have
been replaced with
shots of black
sambuca,banana
daiquiri's and a
fucking giant spliff!


I believe that
Harry and
Meghan's baby
will be named
Edward,after
Edward of
woodstock.It
would be quite
fitting as he was
the eldest son of
king Edward III
and father to
Richard II As well
as also being
known
as the
Black Prince.


Will Britain get
lucky and see the
end of May before
the end of May?

I told my mate
that my wife's
knickers remind
me a lot of Meat
Loaf."Let me
guess," he
laughed..."on the
front they say,"I
would do anything
for love," but on
the back "but I
won't do that!"...
"NO" I replied...
"They're just
fucking massive!"

I've just met a
chinese drug
addict.He said
"Have you seen
my cocaine?". I
said,"Not since he
starred in zulu."

What flys about
and stinks of shit?
A stool pigeon.

"Elivs
impersonator
denies $33,000
benefit fraud
while working a
tribute act." In
other words...
Going from
singing Jailhouse
Rock to getting
Jailhouse Cock.

[Bikkie]

I don't know why
they didn't name
the baby Ozzy.It
won't be long now
before we need a
new Prince Of
Darkness.

A very modern
royal dad:Prince
Harry IS changing
little Archie's
nappie.The shit
got real.

A reporter has
written that Prince
Harry is changing
the baby's nappies,
due to a
misunderstanding.
He didn't realise
that "Muggins" was
the Royals
nickname for
Meghan's side of
the family.

Just interviewed a
disabled lady who
was recently
engaged to her
now fiance and
asked her,"What is
the most
frustrating thing
about being
disabled?" She
looked down for a
moment then
replied..."He's
always pushing me
around and talking
behind my back."

[Bikkie]

"Hello,08454647,NHS
Helpline,how
may I help you?"
"My wife has
been bitten by a
snake" "Sir can
you describe the
snake for me,
please." "Well
err, it was pale
green with a sort
of zig zag pattern
on it's back."
"Okay sir that
sounds like an
adder,Britain's
only dangerous
snake,she will
need medical
treatment,an
ambulance will be
with you shortly,
but there is
something you
can do to help
her" "Yes,
anything just tell
me" "Sir,you wil
have to suck out
the venom"
"What,I can't do
that" "Sir you
have to she
might die if you
don't..." "but...if
I suck out the
vemon there will
be nothing left!"

If you are
addicted to
masturbating
thereafter
becoming
addicted to sex...
Does that mean
that it's got out
of hand?

My Ducky Dennis
has a job
interview
tomorrow
morning to be a
Binman.He
should get it,he
is very good
emptying out my
sack.

I was at this dinner
when this snobby
old bitch barked at
me."Will you pass
the sweetcorn!"
"Certainly Madam,"
I replied,
"Probably in my
next shit."

Young people:
Worried because
you are on zero
hours,mimium
wage contracts
and can't afford to
buy a house?
Become me when
I was 21 and didn't
have an iphone,
ipad,WiFi,
computer,72inch
plasma screen,sky
tv,holidays
abroad or car.
You'll soon
manage,same as
I did.

My wife is sick of
my obsession with
80's music and has
threatened to
leave me."Oh
come on Eileen"
I protested.

If you didn't sing it
as..."looking back
on when we first
met I cannot
escape and I
cannot forget baby
you're the one you
still turn me on
you can fuck my
hole again"..were
you ever really a
90's kid?

I wonder if Doris
ever signed her
name,D Day?

BAFTA wants
comedy series to
mention climate
change.Yey they
ban It ain't half
hot mum?

[Bikkie]

A DEA officer
called at my
farm..."I need to
inspect your farm
for illegally grown
drugs," he said.
"By all means
officer,just don't
go in that field
over there." I
replied.The DEA
officer exploded,
saying"Do you
know who the
fuck I am? I have
the authority of
the federal
goverment with
me!",he shouted
before pulling a
badge out of his
back pocket."Do
you see this
fucking badge?!
This badge means
I can do what I
want and I"ll go
wherever the fuck
I want,have I
made myself
clear?!" I nodded
politely,apologized,and
went about my
chores.A short
while later,I hear
loud screams,
looked up and saw
the DEA agent
running for his life
being chased by
my angry rodeo
bull.With each
step,the bull was
gaining ground and
he seemed sure to
be gored before he
reached safety.
The officer looked
terrified and
continued to run
for his life.I threw
down my tools,
immediately ran to
the edge of the
fence and shouted
at the top of my
lungs,"Your
badge,show him
your fucking
badge!"

[husaberg]

“It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.”

“I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”

[Bikkie]

What do you call a
Lesbian who drives
a Ford Transit Van
full of penises?
Dick Van Dyke.

I've gone and
confused the
words 'Yakuza'
with 'Jacuzzi'...
Now I'm in hot
water with the
Japanese Mafia.

What annoys me is
people complaining
about breast
feeding in public,
especially when
they get offened
in restaurants.It's
nothing wierd it's
the human body,
all perfectly
natural,it's 2019
for fuck sake some
people act like
they have never
seen an adult baby
before.

300 football fans
descend on a bar.
The barman says,
"I'm sorry lads but
I can only serve
you the same units
of alcohol as you
have brain cells
amongst you." So
they order 1/2 a
Carling and 300
glasses.

A police officer
knocked at my
door today and
said,"Are you
BigZav?" "Yes," I
replied."Get your
coat," he said."Me
and you are
taking a little trip
down the station."
"Great," I said to
him,"I fucking
love trains."

I've been seriously
concerned about
my teenage son...
Overnight he's
become a
"Wigger" and
started wearing
the black fashions,
and talking with an
affected "ghetto"
accent.I wanted
to be sensitive
about this and not
make the rebellion
worse,so I
approached him
and asked,"What
is it you find so
appealing about
"black culture."
"Mostly living on
benefits and not
having to work a
job."

[Bikkie]

I see Rod Stewart
has donated
$10,00 to a
model railway
club.Oooh,Ido
like a man who
takes an interest in
puff puffs.

Rod Stewart
donates $10,00
to vandalized
model train
exhibition.I bet
they were chuffed.

What do you get if
you cross a
staffordshire
terrier with a
golden retriever?
Golden Staph.

Whilst out
shopping my wife
presented with a
handbag and asked
my opinion."What
do you think of
that?" "Lovely it
will match your
outfit" I answered.
"What outfit do
you mean?" she
then asked."The
outfit that you are
now going to buy
to match the new
handbag," I
replied.

[Bikkie]

Experience the
thrill of winning an
argument with
your wife by
sitting in a library
for three days.

What does Westlife
and Futurama have
in common?
They both have
a bender.

Marriage is mostly
knowing which
towels and biscuits
are not for you but
for "Guests."

Rod Stewart never
changes.He's
always seen
holding an
attrative model.
These days it's the
Hornby 00 gauge
Flying Scotsman.

I went to the shop
to pick up 8 cans
of sprite But when
I got home I
realized I only
picked 7up.

[Bikkie]

Last night a bloke
in the pub sold me
a baby stegosaurus
for $4oo.I don't
know how pissed I
was but when I
woke up this
morning it's just a
cat with a
Toblerone
superglued to its
back.

If you think about
it a wheelchair is a
shopping trolley to
a cannibal.

I tried cooking
Corned Beef
fritters for tea but
ended up making a
hash of it.

Asked the
Apprentice at our
office to trim some
drawings down to
make them more
manageable for
the architects to
use on site.He
spent hours cutting
them freehand and
wobbly with some
scissors.The boss
went mad and
shouted,"after
lunch take him to
the print room and
show him how we
use the
guillotine." Little
fucker was so
scared he never
came back.

30 days in
september,April,
June and
November.And all
the rest have 31.
Except May which
has 3 long tiring
years.

All these people on
Everest about time
they done
SUMMIT.

[Bikkie]

My wife always
has sex Liverpool
style.She hasn't
gone down since
1953.

My new girlfriend
loves giving me
head but I can
never last more
than a few
seconds.She's a
cattle mart
auctioneer.

Why did the
scarecrow win a
award? Because
he was outstanding
in his field.

I shot a 69 at my
local golf course
this morning.I
won't have people
simultaneously
performing oral
sex on my greens!

My 90 year old
Nan says she loves
Golden Showers.I
was glad to hear
that though I still
thinks it's a strange
name for a
Retirement Home.

Went to see the
new Elton John
movie "Rocket Man"
only way to
enter the cinema
was via the rear
entrance,a
request of Elton
apparently.

[Bikkie]

Went to what I
thought was a
christening but
halfway through
the vicar tipped a
load of shit tasting
lager over the poor
baby.Turns out he
was being
fostered.

I was quite proud
of my shadow
puppet show,and
seemed to be
attracting large
audiences,but
then I lost my job
as a cinema
projectionist.

The wife and I did
that thing where
we each picked
someone that if
we met in real life,
we'd have
permission to
cheat on the
marriage with and
sleep with! she
picked Gary
Barlow...she was
not happy though
when I picked
Hannah,the local
barmaid with huge
tits.

Last night,my
daughter Rhoda
was moaning that
she hated what we
named her.She
may have a point,
our last name is
"Dendron."

I asked in the
bookshop for a
book about anal
sex."I'll have a
look round the
back," said the
assistant.I said
"That's the one."

Useless: In cetain
circumstances,
shouldn't it be
usefewer?

Bob Dylan and Eric
Clapton both used
to be parcel
delivery drivers in
the Welsh valleys
before they were
famous.That's
where the song
Knock Knock
Knockin On Evan's
Doors comes from.

[husaberg]

What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?
Finding out it was traced.

Why do men always give their jackets to their women when they are cold?
Who wants a blowjob from a woman who is shaking with her teeth?

How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.

What do women and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that tiny thing?

What’s the difference between a joke and two dicks?
You can’t take a joke

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What was David Bowie’s last hit?
Probably heroin.

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.

[Bikkie]

Does a priest at a
nuclear power
plant say critical
Mass?

I like my women
like I like my
music.With lyrics I
can understand.

Staring at my
girlfriend's ring,I
can't believe it
took me months to
pluck up the
courage to finally
ask the big
question..."Can
we try anal?"

I always get my
LSD on tab.

I ordered fast food
at a sushi
restaurant.They
gave me
chopsticks and an
aquarim full of
goldfish.

People tell me
horse racing jokes
all of the time
The trouble is I
never remember
them furlong.

I was just about to
eat my fish supper
and watch the Lion
King when I
noticed my black
flat mate had used
all the condiments
oh well A coon ate
my tartar!

Whilst in America
we went on a film
studios tour around
a genuine wild
west town.We
walked down the
main sreet,at first
we were quite
impressed until
we realised you
couldn't go inside
any of the
buildings and that
they were just
facades held up by
wooden posts.
Bloody cowboy
builders.

"Can I have a large
brandy please."
"Sorry,we're short
staffed." "What do
you mean? There's
3 of you on the
bar!" "Yeah but
none of us can
reach the brandy."

"No more tears
left to cry" Ariana
Grande.We'll
fucking see about
that if I get you in
the back of my
van.

[husaberg]

In Seattle, they have a saying: ?If you don?t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'?

The problem isn?t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.?

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.?

What is worse than ants in your pants? Uncles?

[Bikkie]

I saw footage on
the news of the
Muslims parents
protesting against
the LGBTQ+
lessons at their
kids school.One
of them was
holding a placard
that read,"stop
brain washing our
kids!" Oh,the
irony...

xxxTRUE
OBSERVATIONXXX
Has anybody else
noticed that
when the ref
blows the whistle
for a foul in the
women's football
that the player
then doesn't
speak to the ref
for the rest of
the match!

I always thought
saying to
someone that
your on a train
journey sounded
boring..I
personally think
saying "I'm
riding on a
virgin" sounds
more exciting.

I shouted to my
wife,"I'm just
popping down the
paki shop for a
bag of crisps."
"You can't say
that anymore!"
she shouted back.
"It's not
politically
correct." "Ok
then.A bag of
high-fat,high
salt,nutritionally
unsuitable potato
slices."

Lesbian sex
during that time
of the monrh is
nasty.Especially
when they both
cum on their
period.

My neighbours
have three grown
up sons.One's a
Butcher,one's a
Baker and I'll bet
you can guess
what the thrid one
is.That's right
he's a Fat Bastard.

Trips to the
International
space station will
soon be available
for $60m.You'll
be able to see 17
sunrises each day
while orbiting the
Earth.Save
yourself
$59,999,176 by
taking LSD on
holiday in Ibiza.

I hate fucking
dwarves.Their
arseholes are too
small.

I was having an
argument with my
mate Dave in the
pub about which
British based male
singer had the
most distinctive
voice,he decided
to start canvasing
other customers in
the pub:The first
person he asked
said,"Definitely
George Michael...
..or perhaps Elton
John?" The next
person he asked
said,"It's bound to
be Freddie
Mrecury....or
perhaps Will
Young?"
I said,"For
fucks sake can't
anyone give me a fucking
straight answer?"

[Bikkie]

My milkshake
brings all the
boys to the yard
And they're like,
it's better than
yours Damn right
it's better than
yours I can teach
you, but I have
to charge with
assault and
criminal charge.

If you want to
change the world,
do it while your
single.After you
get married,you
can't even change
the T.V program.

My mate Dave
moaned,"It
seems I can do
no better than
attracting fat girls
and occasionally
having sex with
them....Perhaps
it's due to the
type of vehicle I
drive?" "You
may be right....
you do drive an
Ice Cream Van."

Confucius says:
Girl that sits on
judges lap with
thrush gets
honourable
discharge!

I used to have a
nice car and a
nice house until
my mate
introduced me to
drugs.Now I
have a yacht and
a caribbean
island.

Fish are now
watching T.V
They live stream.

I was looking at
this guy with a 3"
spike sticking up
out of his lip.
"What the fuck
are you looking
at,I'm as capable
as you and can do
anything you can
do you twat." He
said."Lets see
you blow a
ballon up then."
I replied.

"Not tonight
darling,I have a
headache"-wife
"Not to worry
love,we'll soon
sort that out"-
Henry VIII

[Bikkie]

Quite a few
dwarves have
taken exception
to Jimmy Carr's
joke about them,
but to be honest
I can't see any of
them hitting the
roof.

So,members of
the dwarfism
community are
offended by
Jimmy Carr's
joke are they?
Stop being so
precious and just
fucking grow up.

Sad to hear some
midgets are a
little upset with
Jimmy Carr over
a small gag.It
went over the
heads of most!


A dwarf charity
has slammed
Jimmy Carr's joke
and said people
with dwarfism
should be allowed
to carry on with
their normal every
day lives.I agree,
they should just be
allowed to get
back to midget
tossing
competitions,
playing Ewoks,and
impersonating a
normal-sized
person whilst
standing on each
other's shoulders.

[husaberg]

What has two heads and six legs?

Nirvana.

Young Irish couple is in a pub and the girl said to her boyfriend " I'm feeling good tonight , I want you to give me 9 inches and hurt me "

The boyfriend made love to her three times then punched her in the face !!


This postman was delivering mail in Belfast when a woman appeared at the door in her nightdress. ' Come upstairs 'she said 'and make love to me. ' After he had obliged the woman said ' here's a can of Lager and two pound coins for you ' The postie took them and said ' what's all this for ?'
The woman said " you can thank my husband for this , I suggested giving you 20 pounds for your Christmas but my husband said fuck him , give him a can of beer and 2 quid !!

A man goes to his doctor's and says, "Doc, I've just been raped by an Elephant!".
The stunned doctor replies, "What makes you say that?".
"Well," says the man holding his hands about a foot or so apart, "my arsehole feels this big!".
"Bend over, and let me have a look." asks the doctor.
The guy bends over and sure enough, his arsehole is about ten inches across.
"But I thought that elephants only had a long, thin penis?" states the doctor.
"Yeah, I know," says the agitated man, "but it fingered me first!".

[Bikkie]

I've been watching
Andy Murray playing
doubles..still not a
fan of fourplay.

"Daddy,what
comes after 'U'?"
said the little girl
doing her
homework.
"Usually your
mother with a
dildo," said her
dad.

I walked into a
D.I.Y shop and
asked for a long
weight....They
sent me to A&E.

[Bikkie]

Just watching the
formula 1 and I'm
not sure its a
good idea putting
Lewis Hamilton in
a balaclava.If his
natural instinct
kicks in he could
try and rob a
bank.

Someone keeps
sending me
flowers with the
heads cut off.I
think I'm being
stalked.

The wife bakes
me a cake after
every sex session
we have.A
Birthday cake.

I don't
understand it
nowadays when
people get
tattoos all over
their arms,legs
and torso it looks
like you're an
old,scribbled on.
schooldesk in
detention class.

My wife acted a
bet reluclant
when I suggested
we tried swinging
now we were in
our 50's And I
didn't want to
push her.

Seamus was in
his local in Dublin
and started
chatting to an
older woman.He
told her that he
was off to
London,England
the next day to
look for work.
"Could you do
me a favour?"
asked the
woman."When
you get to
London,can you
see if you can
find my son? He
went away over a
year ago and
hasn't even
written to me."
Seamus said he
would help and
asked what his
name was."It's
Dunne," replied
the woman,"and
he said he was
moving to
somewhere in
London with the
postcode WC
something."
"Leave it to me,
Mrs Dunne!" and
the next day,he
set off.When he
arrived in
London,seamus
went for a drink
in a pub and
noticed a door
stating "WC." He
went inside and
knocked on one
of the cubicles.
"Are you
Dunne" he
shouted."I am."
came the reply.
"but I've no
paper!" "That's a
lame excuse for
not writing to
your mam!"

[Bikkie]

Disney have
apologised for
having no black
characters in Toy
Story 4.Toy
Story 5 will have
Sheriff Hoody,
Little Ho Peep,
Mrs Pot Head and
Knifey.

Childless couples;
don't have a baby
until you've had a
two-week trial
living with an
insomniac
bagpipe-player
with dysentery.

My wife always
used to enjoy a
cigarette after
sex.Anyway,she
gave up not long
after we were
married.

My wife used to
be a real sweetie
pie.Now she's
just got a really
sweaty pie.

[Bikkie]

Today is
Independence
Day in the U.S.On
being informed of
this,Donald
Trump
summoned Jeff
Goldblum and
Will Smith to
report to the
pentagon
immediately.

I took the family
to a zoo at the
weekend and got
arrested for
public indecency.
As we walked
past the
chimpanzee
enclosure,one of
the cheeky
simians threw a
trud at my wife.I
started laughing,
and she raged,
"Why don't you
go in there and
spank the
monkey?"

Be careful with
the John Denver
voiced navman.It
will only take you
home via country
roads.

I haven't had a
wank for a week.
I'm simply not
feeling myself.

I fancied this
woman in a bar
last night and she
promised to take
me home with
her,if I could
undress her with
a few words.I
said,"There's a
fucking spider in
your bra."

My local gallery
has an exhibition
of art composed
by shetland
ponies,mainly
pencil sketches of
cars,lorries and
vans.My mate
said,"They are
shit." I replied
"That's harsh
mate,it must be
hard to hold a
pencil with hooves.
I think
they're pretty
good for horse
drawn vechiles."

To the person
who stole my
glasses.I will find
you.I have
contacts...

[husaberg]

A couple are in the cinema sitting happily till the young lady turns and says:

"John, the fella next to me is having a wank"

"Jesus Christ, the dirty fucker. Come on we'll move"

"I can't he's using my hand"



Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"

His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."

So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."

Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...



Q: Why is a necrophiliac like a fur trapper?
A: They're both hunting for dead beaver.



How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Give it a blowjob



Little Johnny comes home from school when he heard some noise upstairs.

He went up to investigate & discovered that it was coming from his parents room. He opened the door to see his Dad on top of his Mam shagging away &, the father realising his son was watching threw a pillow at him & told him to 'Fuck off!'

Two days later the Dad comes in from work & hears a noise upstairs.......

He went up to investigate & the noise seemed to be coming from little Johnny's room. He opened the door & here was little Johhny up on top of his Nan shagging away. The Dad left out a scream. Johnny looks around, throws a pillow at the Dad & says 'Ah fuck off, you're not so smart when it's your own Mam are ya?'



What does George Michael have in common with a wellington boot?

Both get sucked off in bogs.

[Bikkie]

I can't see why
female linesman
and referees
could be any
worse than the
idoits we have
now.I mean if
there is
something
women are good
at,it is pointing
out mistakes
made by men.

I was staying in a
hotel last night,
I phoned down
to reception."Hi,
this is room 26
can I have a
wake up call
please?" she said
"Yes,you're in
your mid 30s,
single,live with
your mother and
have achieved
nothing in life!"

I remember my
teacher telling
me that looking
out of the
window wouldn't
get me
anywhere.Did I
have a smug look
on my face later
on in life when I
handed him his
burger and fries
at the drive
through.

A bloke walks
into a pet shop
and places a
bomb on the
counter and says,
"You've got one
minute to get
out," a tortoise in
the back shouts
"You bastard!"

"If Batman who
is a regular
human but with
gadgets teamed
up with
superman,who
has supernatural
powers,and they
fought against
Ironman,another
regular human
with gadgets,
who teamed up
with Thor,who
has super powers,
who would be the
winner?" "Your
parents when you
move out."

A woman has
sued a hospital
stating that after
a recent
operation,her
husband had lost
interest in sex.
The surgeon
replied "All we
did was restore
his eyesight."

I was just waiting
for my sister at
Heathrow airport,
as I saw her
emerge in
arrivals I shouted
"Hi sis."...Fuck
me,never seen
as many armed
police appear as
quickly in my
life!

Just seen a sign
"Turkey $29" in
the bucthers
window......That's
$300 cheaper than
Thomas Cook.

My wife can't find
her hair clips but
she remembers
what I said 6
months ago at
5.30pm.

A farm horse gets
stuck in a muddy
hole in a field he
shouts to the
chickens to get
the farmer to pull
him out.The
farmer is away so
one of the
chickens drives
the farmers
ferrari over ropes
up the horse and
pulls him to
safety..A few
days later,a
chicken falls in
the mud hole.
The chicken yells
to the horse to
go and get some
help from the
farmer.The horse
says,"Grab for my
dick and pull
yourself up," the
chicken does and
pulls himself out
to safety.And
the moral of the
story is,If you are
hung like a horse,
you don't need a
ferrari to pick up
chicks!

[Bikkie]

I got home from
the pub a bit
pissed with my
mate Dave and
my wife was still
dressed in
very seductive
underwear.I
looked at her and
licked my lips.
"Do you fancy a
hot sandwich
with me and
Dave here?" she
blushed a little
and replied,"Yes
ok then,I'm up
for it," "Brilliant,"
I said,"There
bacon and egg it
is then."

M y mate told me
he thinks my
mind has been
warped by porn
acronyms,so he
recommended I
pop to the ATM,
enrol on a CBT
course and give
an interview to
the BBC.I fail to
see how having
ass to mouth
followed by
cock and ball
torture whilst
speaking to a big
black cock is
going to help,but
I'll give it a go.

You have got to
admire Boris
Johnson,2 marriages,
3 alleged
mistresses,4 kids,
1 apparant
lovechild and 1
alleged abortion
and he still found
time not to take
cocaine..

I wanna be there
when karma
dry fucks
your ass
with a cactus.


knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
knock knock

FUCKING YES!!!!!
A rare tape
recording of
woody
woodpeckers
first wank.....

"If yes is the
answer,what is
the question?"
asked my wife
with a twinkle in
her eye."I know
this," I
answered,"does
my bum look big
in this?"

M y mate asked
me when I last
had a decent
blowjob "2015"
I said."Fuck
that's ages ago,"
he laughed "No it
isn't," I said,"it's
only half eight
now."

I'm surprised the
gay version of
Tinder wasn't
called Timber.
It's full of wood
that eventually
comes down with
something.

Went up to watch
the highland
games in scotland
saw Quinten Crisp
being chucked
out.Apparently
you're only
allowed to toss
your own caber.

[Bikkie]

The women's
world cup ended
and it broke a
record for highest
nutmeg in a
competition....another
proof that women
love balls in
between their
legs.

I love Wimbledon
fortnight.The
sweaty,clinging
clothes showing
stiff nipples,the
tigt arse-cheeks,
all the grunting.
It's a total
wankfest.Some
of the women
aren't bad either.

I for one applaud
Disney for
making the new
Ariel black And
look forward to
them showing
consistency and
making
pocahontas
white.

I was swimming
in the sea this
morning.
Somebody
shouted,"shark!"
I really shouldn't
do backstroke.

[Bikkie]

METRO: Gay
championship star
preparing to be
the first
professional
footballer to
come out.My
money is on Lee
Camp for
Birminghan.

[Bikkie]

R.I.P Torn

It has come out
that the real
reason for
Meghan not
wanting to be
photographed at
wimbledon had
nothing to do
with priracy.It
had to do with
the fact that she
and her people
still believe that
cameras will steal
their souls.

Paddy says to
Mick.."That's a
shame about that
young Afronaut
dying,he could
have been the
first black man to
walk on the
moon." "Don't be
daft ya thick
cunt" says
Mick..."Have you
never heard of
Louis
Armstrong?"

Stoner thought of
the day: Each
time you light
your lighter your
lighter gets
lighter until your
lighter gets so
light it wont light.

The less a person
knows,the more
they think they
know.Or as my
wife calls it
women's
intuition.

People that
practice for
staring
competitions
need to take a
good long look at
themselves in the
mirror.

People who love
reading the daily
tabloid
newspapers need
to take a long
hard look in the
Mirror.

The Dyson
Airblade.....
Messiet urinal
ever!

I once went on a
date with a girl
who didn't
swallow.Fucking
soup everywhere.

I've just won the
15th game of
Rock,Paper,
Scissors in a row
against my
lesbian
neighbour.
Predictable bitch.

[husaberg]

342451342454342455342456

[Bikkie]

I joined last
weeks pride
march in support
of gay rights,I
waited for it to
pass and merged
in at the back..
Last thing you
want is all those
fucking benders
behind you.

Toddlers are
quite similar to
James Cameron's
Terminator...
They can't be
bargained with.
They can't be
reasoned with.
They don't feel
pity,or remorse,
or fear.And they
absolutely,will
not stop ever,
until you are
dead.

The new church
I've started is
doing brilliantly,
mainly because
we welcome all
denominations.
Fives,tens,
twenties,
whatever they've
got.

If someone is
10% polish does
that make them a
tad pole?

It isn't gender
sexuality or race
that separates us
It's people who
can take a joke
and people who
can't.

"I can't talk," said
my American
mate."I've just
jumped a
Greyhound."
Totally different
fucking language.

Walkin through
china town and
I'm not sure if I
just heard the
commentary for
the long sprint
or a gay porn.
"Sum Yun Gy
Followed by Fu
Kum Yung with
Wan Kin and Po
Kin in the rear!

We chugged
slowly into the
garage,and I told
the mechanic
"I've gone into
Limp Mode." He
looked at my
wife and said
"I'm not
surprised."

Eating a furry
peach brings back
great memories
of the days of
munching on
hairy growlers.

When you think
about it,'Hotel
California' is just
a bad 'Trip
Advisor' review
with a three
minute guitar
solo.

I was having
dinner at my
girlfriend's house
for the first time.
"Can I use your
bathroom?" I
asked."Sure,but
could you use the
can of air
freshener?" said
her mother
jokingly.Really
strange,but I
managed to fit all
the poo into the
bottle.

I wish it was my
wife I was
saying "What a
tight cunt" to
rather than my
bank manager.

[husaberg]

Why did everyone stop to watch the blacksmith work?




<marquee behavior="slide" direction="left">Because he was riveting</marquee>

[Bikkie]

Life Tip: Drink ten
pints of water a
day and you will
be too busy
pissing to give a
fuck about what
the wife is
moaning about.

As hard as I try,
I just can not
come up with a
decent rap joke.I
think it's time
2pac it in.

"I get confused
between Mel B
AND Mel C in the
Spice Girls." "It's
easy-Mel Black
and Mel Chav."

Rats multiply so
quickly that in 18
months,two rats
could have over a
million
decendants.
Blimy,they're
giving Muslins a
run for their
money.

I had to go into
the west end
earlier today,and
I was wearing an
old Ritchie
Blackmore's
Rainbow t-shit
from the 70s that
I dug out of the
warddrobe.
Fucking Hell! I
had no idea
how popular he
still is.You
wouldn't believe
the amont of
cheers and
whistles I got
just walking up
the road.

This farmer was
telling me about
how brilliant his
sheepdog was at
maths,"Watch
this," he said.
"Shep,what's
seven plus two."
he said,and the
dog barked ten
times."Ok,shep,
what's fifteen
plus four."And
the dog barked
twenty times.
"He's very good,"
I replied,but
he's a little over."
"Yeah,"
answered the
farmer,"old
habits die hard,
he's just rounding
them up."

Shagging the
wife,I asked her
to moan for me.
"Sure,: she
grinned."Put
those fucking
shelves up." I
glanced down and
thought "Yep,"
they'd probably
fit."

I got arrested for
telling a woman I
wanted to lick
her arsehole.The
police wouldn't
believe it was
just a tongue in
cheeks comment.

When I was at
college I always
attracted the fat
birds to our
group and as a
result my mates
used to call me
Jonah.Not
because I was
bad luck but
because I'd get
gobbled by
whales.

The worst part of
being bitten by a
poisonous spider
is that you are
probably
Australian.

Speed cameras
can also tell if
you've been
using cocaine.


Started work as a
chimney sweep
in Bangkok.It's a
Soot and Thai
job.

[Bikkie]

Prince Harry's Invictus
Games being sponsored
by Britain's biggest
arms dealer.That's
like the wife's
sex drive being
sponsored by Pornhub.

My father was a
used Ford dealer.
I guess he left his
mark IV on me.

The thing I like
most about
female
footballers is if
you slightly touch
them inside the
box they go
down easy...

If horse racing is
the sport of
Kings,is drag
racing the sport
of Queens?

Just read Steven
Tylers new
chinese cookbook.
Wok this way.

[Bikkie]

Everyone is up in
arms about the
new 007 being
played by a black
female.There's
nothing to worry
about.In my
mind.Bond is
the victim of
idenity theft
from an
ambitious nigger.
The situation is
swiftly resolved
and he's back to
shagging slags
and drinking
Martini.

So what if the
new Bond is
played by a black
woman?
It's
2019,and race
and gender don't
matter.For Fucks
sake,woman's
tennis has been
dominated by
two black
brothers for the
past 15 years.

As we speak
super villians all
over the world
are preparing
fried chicken
laced with
rohypnol upon
hearing the new
Bond may be a
black woman.

"I'll have a
chicken.Fried
not grilled."

The new 007
Licenced to stab,
and cook.

Dr no father

GOLDBLINGER
BA..NA..NAAA

007 returns
even more
badass.Licenced
to kill and use
the N word.

Ah Bond make
me a fucking
sandwich and
quick with it
bitch.

Out on licence to
kill.

"...and finally
Bond,this is M."
"sOooooooo good
to meet you M.I
loved your song."

The original Bond
film Dr No,was
filmed in London
and Jamaica in
1962,with the
evil Dr No based
on the island of
crab key.In a
nod to the
original,the new
series of Bond
will be filmed in
surrey Quays
with Dr Yo taking
on the persona of
a Yardie
operating out of a
lock-up in
Rotherhithe.
Release date of
Dr Yo estimated
as summer 2020.

Can't believe
Grace Jones is
back in the Bond
movies agian.

After casting a
'female'
macaroon to play
the new 'James'
Bond other ethnic
minorities have
started grizzling.
Therefore,to
keep the assorted
breeds happy
new casting
announcements
are as follows; M
will be played by
an unwashed
Aboriginal
hunchback....Q
will be played
by a Tibetan
bender and of
course,Miss
Moneypenny wil
be a well hung
chinese
Transvestite....meanwhile
the new
soundtrack will
be performed by
a special needs
choir from Iran!

[Bikkie]

As it is the 50th
anniversary of
the apollo
mission to the
moon today.I
was reminded of
Neil Armstrong's
quote as I
watched a man
struggling to
cross the road
and get up the curb
on the otherside
..Its one small
step for man,
one giant
obstacle for that
fat fucker on the
mobility scooter.

[Bikkie]

The New James
Bond is to be
both Black AND a
woman.I couldn't
beat that joke in
a million years.

The new James
Bond is going to
be played by a
black woman...At
least she can
brutally kill
someone,and
then clean up the
mess afterwards.


Bond 25 opening
scene: Rami
Malek releases
50 Novichok
infeasted mice
into MI6 HQ,
shouting
"DaaaYoh
darling." 007
leaps into action,
jumps on a stool
while holding a
broom screaming,
"THOMAS!"

Now Bond go and
join Q,the dole Q

"Pay attention,
Bond,this gadget
may well get you
out of a tight
spot.This
ordinary looking
handkerchief
easily turns into a
Tampon with a
simple twist."

Double D Seven.

The name is
Bond,Brook
Bond! Would you
like tea with that
fried chicken sir?
the Q is over
there sir.

Aston Martin
furious,as studio
reveals new Bond
car at Trench
Town Motors,
Streatham.1985
BMW 635c si:
tinted windows,
lowered
suspension full
body kit and
under body
lighting.It will be
known as the
Bomboclaat Irie
innit!

"The names
Bond.Jamesine
Bond Licened to
grill."

Since there is
going to be a
black Bond I
think it's only fair
we show her a
white shaft.

Bond about your
request for
maternity
leave....

The name's Bond.
Bail Bond.

To recast James
Bond as an ethnic
minority is a
travesty to the
memory of what
sir Ian Fleming
had conceived as
the suave spy.It
is ridculous to
suggest that a
black person
could play 007...
In the original
books its quite
clear that Bond is
a scottish
milkman,with a
lisp,named Sean.

[Bikkie]

Now listen
carefully
007....press this
button to pick
the cotton and,
this one to put it
in the sack.

Unlike some,I'm
optimistic about
the new black
007.I reckon
she'll steal the
show.

New 007: "Vodka
Martini...
Stabbed,not
stirred.

As the good
looking suave
villain seduced
Jane Bond,he
started his
lovemaking at a
sedate pace and
building up to a
frenetic climax in
which he called,
"Yeah,yeah
who's your
daddy," "Fuck
you," replied
Bond.

[Bikkie]

Scotland has the
highest rate of
drug induced
deaths in Europe.
It's all down to
the Braveheart
menality.The
desire to have
your face turn
blue as a final act
of defiance.

When people call
me a bald cunt.I
say it's a solar
panel for the love
machine.

Natalie Imbruglia
is pregnant at 44
thanks to IVF. A
bit old and
inexperienced for
a first pregnancy.
Let's hope she
gets seen by the
midwife in plenty
of time or it
could be a case
of:You're a little
late, I'm already
torn.

The government
has gone too far
on it;s
anti-obesity drive
with their less
sugar in this and
reduced salt in
that.The final
straw is the
heating
instructions on
ready meals are
so small you
strave to death.

[husaberg]

Donald Trump goes to the doctors and says,
"Doctor doctor, every time I look in the
mirror I get aroused."

The doctor replies, "I'm not surprised...
you're a cunt."

[Bikkie]

I joined a Dating
website the other day,
they asked me what I
was interested in.So I
wrote,'page 3 girls,I
think they're really
sexy.' I wondered why
I hadn't had any
responses until I
realised the letter p
on my keyboard
wasn't working......

My girlfriend is in a
charity hospital who
don't charge anything
so long as we don't
call the baby if its a
boy any of the
following: Hosea,Joel,
Amos,Obadiah,Jonah,
Micab,Nahum,
Habakkuk,Zephainsh,
Haggai,Zechariah,and
Malachi.They are a
non prophet making
organisation.

Women always say
"Size doesn't
matter" but have
you seen anyone of
them owning a 4
inch dildo?

Why does the Avon
lady walk funny?
Because Max
Factor.

Dillian Whyte has
failed a drugs test.
There's an anxious
wait now for the
results of the B
sample.His trusted
dealer status is on
the line.

90% of women don't
like men in pink
shirts.Ironically,90%
of men in pink shirts
don't like women.

Pirate: The cannons
be ready,captain.
Captain: Are

My wife said she
didn't need me
anymore.So I
sneaked into the
kitchen and tightened
all the lids.

[Bikkie]

Before my grandad
died he said,"Your
generation relies on
too much technology
these days." So I
replied,"No your
generation relies on
too much techology."
He disagreed so I
unplugged his life
support.

Is there really such a
thing as bisexual?
Isn't it just homos
getting it right
occasionally.

DRIVERS: Whatever
you do,don't get the
U2 voiced navman.The
streets have no
names and you'll
never find what you
are looking for.

How many software
developers does it
take to change a
lightblub? None.It's a
hardware problem.

They say money
changes people and I
have to agree.I
cancelled my wife's
credit cards and she
turned into a
complete cunt.

My wife said to me,
"Did you remember to get
some condoms?"
I said,"No,but I got some black
bin bags."
She laughed and said,"Your
cock's not that big."
I said,"I know,but your
fucking fanny is."

MAKEUP: Because
women know that
men deserve better.

Kids TV in the near
future....Mo the
Builder,Postman
Patel,Hingu.
Smellytubbies,
Noggin the nignog
Fireman Sambo.

[Bikkie]

I want to see if
you's can
guess which
country I'm from-
My country has
a population
equal to a quarter
of London's-It's
shaped like a
chicken-Our
massive army
consists of a few
hundred soliders,
two tanks and a
helicopter-Our
welfare is almost
as high as
minimum wage
and neither
fullfills basic
financial needs
unless expenses
are shared-We
have free
education and
medical care but
both are shit-Our
folk hero is
a man who
smuggled salt on
a skinny mare
and cut the head
off a turkish
warrior-Our
country is the
perfect size for a
warning shot in
case of a nuclear
war-We hate
nearly all
neighbouring
countries and
they hate us-Our
country is
younger than
Rihanna-We
pride ourselves
on our drinkable
water reserves
yet sold many of
them to arabs
and fucking
Heinken-We're
likely the next
line after Greece
to have a
financial
meltdown-We're
the crossroads
of international
mafia trading
routes,yet our
crime rates are
low-We used to
live under a
dictatorship but
everyone born
between the 50s
and 80s misses it
with deep
melancholy-We're
one of the
highest consumers
of alcohol.

[Bikkie]

AUSTRALIAN
BOWLERS: Use
wet and dry on
the cricket ball,
that way you can
cheat in the rain
or damp
conditions as
well.


"Britains first
female muslim
jockey set for
Glorious
Goodwood debut"
My friend
Muhammad says
she's very popular
at the mosque a
good ride in fact.


Red sky at night
shepherd's
delight.Blue sky
at
night.........Day.


What do you say
to a Jew after a
car accident?
Agolf Hitya.

My wife's been
complaining alot
about my sex
drive recently.
"Over seven
hours to that
whorehouse in
Brussels!"


BMW have
announced
improvements to
all models.
They're removed
redundant
indicators,but
added three new
horns to use as
dick extensions in
case another
road user does
something you
don't like.

[Bikkie]

Two Irish blokes were
standing on a cliff with
their arms out.One had
a row of budgies on
each arm and the other
had a row of parrots
down each arm and
they both jumped off,
landing on the rocks
below.Later in hospital,
both with multiple
broken bones,cuts and
bruises,Paddy says
"Well I'm fucked if I'm
doing budgie jumping
again." Murphy replies,
"And that was the last
time I'll try parrot
gilding."

[husaberg]

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/f9/ea/4a/f9ea4ac63cd0f8d1a900d5ffa145bb6d.png

http://media.ifunny.com/results/2013/02/28/oxc1b9qlaf.jpg

[Bikkie]

The Aussie
cricket team are
looking to recruit
Funniman,he's
exactly the kind
of person they
need....Coach
Justin Langer
said,"He's a
bigger cheater
than Cameron
Bancroft.



When I married
my wife 20 years
ago she was a
real sex Bomb.
These days she's
well and truly
defused.


When Prince
Harry recently
wrote an article
about the
pernicious affects
of "Unconcious
racism," I think
he was trying to
teach people a
very important
lesson.That even
married men now
have to spout
feminist drivel if
they want to get
a shag.


Why do gay's like
to go off-road?
They enjoy the
bumpiness.


I was trying to
piss a skidmark
off the side of
the bowl earlier,
when I thought
to myself:"Maybe
the dish washer
would have been
a better option."


French inventor
Franky Zapata
successfully
crossed the
English Channel
for the first time
on his
hoverboard.
Michael J Fox
was seen shaking
his fists in
celebration.


I worked from
the ground up to
start a very
successful Loan
business in
Israel...I've paid
my Jews.

[Bikkie]

Apt that in the UK
a Trump is Foul
hot air that is
emitted by an
arsehole.And
that in the U.S.A
johnson is slang
for a penis.


Ian Watkins has
been given 10
months for
getting caught
with a mobile
phone up his arse
in prison.In his
defence,he said
it was his brown
eye phone.


Why does Boy
George prefer
Green Tea? Because
it's a Calmer
Camellia.


Opinions are like
arseholes.My
wife likes to keep
her's to herself.


If Boris does go
to an early
election,voters
will have a
simple choice-
Priti Patel or
ugly Abbott.


It's amazing,but
my wife is the
lead singer in a
all-female
Beatles cover
band with three
of her fat mates.
The Flab Four.


OLD PEOPLE:
Turning the large
circular thing on
the front of your
dashboard every
now and then
stops you
wandering across
the other side of
the fucking road!


I just looked up
Hotel Trivago
online.I couldn't
even book it.


If I fuck my own
mother,does that
make her
marmalade?


Modern women
are confident and
educated enough
to best even the
most intelligent
males in a heated
debate.....By
busting into
tears.

[Bikkie]

James Bond user
guide: Baddie-
strokes white
pussy-Goodie-
strokes black
pussy.


My ex is such a
slut you can find
her cunt by
Navman,marked as a
public right of
way.


Why are blacks
miserable?
Niggertivity.


I was tied naked
face down on the
bench when the
Dominatrix
entered the room
she show me
a very large
onion and said
"This is going to
make your eyes
water.: I replied
"Phew thank fuck
for that I thought
you were going
to stick something
up my
AAAAAARRGH."


At school you're
told not to meet
strangers from
the Internet.In
case they want to
have sex with
you.As an adult,
you happily meet
strangers from
the Internet.In
case they want to
have sex with you.

I had that
horrible thing
earlier where
you're walking
behind what you
think is a nice bit
of stuff,long hair,
nice arse,bit of a
wiggle and,just
as you're starting
to imagine
yourself in there,
they turn round
and..its a
fucking Female.


Mary Mary guite
contrary how
does your garden
grow? With coke
and speed and
Ganja weed,and
crack as white as
snow."


"I married my
BFF." "Best friend
forever?" "No,
big fat fuck."



I was just online
and saw an ad
asking: What is
your IQ? What's
IQ?


I have this OCD
trait where I have
to quickly unlock
and lock the doors
at least 3 times so
I feel comfortable
they really are
locked...You may
not think it sounds
that bad...but I'm a
fucking prison
warden.

[Bikkie]

Why did the
nurse need a red
pen at work? In
case she needed
to draw blood.


My doctor says I'm
suffering from
fluid retention.I
need to get a
girlfriend and fast.


I'm quite the
expert on
Palmistry.I've
written a
handbook.


My Muslim
neighbour recently
enlightened me to
the fact that the
word 'paki' isn't
offensive as it,in
fact,means pure.
So,I can only jump
to the logical
conclusion that
'stani,' must mean
cunt.


My Indian
neighbour angrily
accused me of not
respecting his
culture."Not
true," I said,"Just
the other day I
launched my new
sex guide for
simple men in Indian
called 'The Palma
Sutra.'


Morleys chicken
cottage and Dixy
chicken have
been issued with
the new
#knifefree boxes.
Why have KFC
not been
targeted by the
goverment,
doesn't KFC
stand for kill a
fucking coon.
What's next knife
free water
melons?


I don't know why
Black people are
angry about the
knife free chicken
campaign.
Lesbians were
fine with the KFC
boneless box.


My wife studied
to become an
arcaeologist,she
loves digging up
the past.


"No thanks,I'm
vegetarian" is a
fun thing to say
when someone
tries to hand you
a baby.


On our
Honeymoon my
wife asked if I
knew where her
Clitoris and G-spot
were....I said
"How the fuck
should I know?
You packed the
cases!"


My mate's wife
had an affair with
her Dentist,he
said,"lie back and
open wide" the
rest you can work
out for yourself.


The first rule of
Gay Club is
always come in
the back
entrance.


I've lost the
instructions on
how to build a
propeller for my
aircraft...So I'm
just going to
have to wing it.


You have heard
of the saying
"safety in
numbers" Try
telling that to six
million jews.
( credit to Jimmy Carr )

[Bikkie]

The sign in the
public toilet says
"Do not flush
anything other
than toilet paper
down the toilet."
What the fuck do
I do with all this
diarrhea?


The wife said to
me,"Why can't
you take
anything
seriously? Is it
because you're
affaid to show
your true
feelings?" I
gently took her
arm and said,"Sit
down love and
let's talk about
it." That
whoopee cushion
was fucking
awesome!


Black Rights have
come a long way
since the days of
slavery.All they
ever wanted was a
fair crack of the
whip.


I find people get
friendler as I get
older.Only
yesterday a
complete stranger
complemented me
on the size of my
penis as I crossed
the road.He said,
"OY,Ya big prick,
get out of the way.


Dear Doctor: How
do you expect me
to lose weight if all
the pills you
prescribe for me
must be taken
with food??


In a book shop
yesterday,I asked
the female
assistant where
the anal sex
section was.She
said,"Around the
back love."


For those whom
are unsure about
gay marriage,just
know it's like
normal marriage
but with blowjobs,
handjobs,lots of
anal and far fewer
arguments about
who the hell left
the toilet seat up.


My local zoo is
appealing for
funds to build a
new elephant
enclosure to keep
the herd warmer
during the cold
nights.I went
down right away
and handed the
zookeeper 20
pairs of my wife's
knickers.He
said.."I don't
think we'll raise
much money with
them." "I know" I
replied..."I
thought they
could use them
as beanies in the
meantime."

[Bikkie]

In paris..A waiter
got shot for being
a slow cunt...just
goes to show
hey..if you give
someone snails
they will repay
you with slugs.


BREAKING
NEWS: 5000
Israeli troops just
entered Jordan.
She is tired and
has a sore arse
but said not to
worry,she will be
ready for more
tomorrow.


"Man who
collected hole
punches for 50
years is having to
sell the lot for
$400" "$400 for
all that anal
fisting? Must
have an arse like
a wind sock."


Just thought,
I'm on my 8th
pint in the pub
and the wife
phones."If your
not home in half
an hour I'm locking
you out." Is she
really locking me
out or locking
herself in.?

[Bikkie]

The new Bond
movie is to be
called: No Time To
Die.The orginal
title,Black Lives
Matter,would
have given away
the plot twist.


James Bond hits
upon hard times
and finds himself
facing a job
seeker interview.
"Well Mr Bond
we have two
positions we can
offer you.One is
giving lectures to
children on the
benefits of a
career in military
intelligence,and
the other is in
the fabric staining
department of a
Yarm mill." "Do
you expect me to
talk?" "No Mr
Bond,I expect
you to dye."


There was a
rumour the next
007 would be
Idris Elba,now
it's that could be
a black woman.
What a drag



My son is a man
trapped in a
woman's body...
He will be born in
February.


"Dad other kids
at school keep
saying I'm
racist." "Which
kids son?" "The
niggers."


I regret rubbing
ketchup in my
eyes.But that's
Heinz sight for
you.


In the news:
Sharp rise in
women caught
carrying knives.
Before you start
to panic I want to
ask one
question? Were
they all in the
kitchen?

[Bikkie]

I hate twats that
say,"Oh my god
it's to die for."
I bet it's not.....
And if it was
why are they still
fucking here?


I went up to a
girl at the bar
and said,"I'd love
to find out if
you're as
gorgeous on the
inside as you are
on the outside."
she said,"Oh,
that's so sweet!"
I replied,"So is
your minge in
good shape
then?"


How does Bono
make a bow and
arrow? With or
without yew.


Prince Harry's
Invictus Games
is being sponsored
by Britain's
biggest arms
dealer.That's like
the wife's sex
drive being
sponsored by
Pornhub.


The lastest R.A.F
recruitment
campaign depicts
a black woman
with aspirations
to fly fighter jets.
Chocs away!


There are three
words in life that
will open a lot of
doors for people.
Please,push and
pull...


Don't see many
homeless women
do ya?


A lot of men who
are against
marriage say
"Why buy a cow
when you can get
the milk
elsewhere for free?"
A lot of women
who are against
marriage say
"Why but a pig
when all you get
is a little sauage?"


As a BMW driver
I can confirm that
we do use our
indicators.In fact
we use all 4 of
them at the same
time whenever
we are parked at
a bus stop,
disabled bay or
double yellow
lines.BMWs even
have a special red
triangle on the
dashboard,which
is called a "park
anywhere"
button.It does
what it says on
the tin.Park
anywhere press
the red triangle
and all 4
indicators come
on at once.
Guaranteed traffic
warden proof.

[Bikkie]

Mexican drug lord
El Chapo
sentenced to life
in prison.
Meaning he
should be home
in time for
christmas.


My wife's been
working a lot
lately and looking
a bit pale,so I told
her to take a day off
and get some colour
back in her cheeks.
I think she took
it a bit literally,
as I came home early
and found her with
Tyrone up her arse.


I really am Gods
gift to woman
I'm a cunt.


A wasp flew into
the living room
today,so I
grabbed a rolled up
newspaper and
handled the
situation in the
best possible way.
By going for a shit
and leaving the
wife to deal with it!


I'm going on a
speed awareness
course in the
morning.I'm
gonna snort a
gram before hand,
just in case I drift
off.


When it come to
motorcycle
jokes..I Triumph
everytime.

I've just fucked
Mary Poppins
virgin daughter,
Cherry,Cheery
Poppins.


Tried to sell my
grandad's old
pocket watch to a
prositute.She
fobbed me off in
the end.


Why bombard
people with ads
for "singles in
your area" and
"increase your
penis size" when
they're browsing
porn? It's like
being called a fat
bastard and told
to go on a diet
whilst looking at
a Mc Donalds
menu.

[Bikkie]

So let me just
get this straight:
You shagged my
Mum,and I'm
supposed to get
you a thank-you
card?


I wonder if
Samuel L Jackson
has sent his
father a "Happy
Motherfuckers
Day" card today?


Photograph of
Meghan and
Harry's adorable
son holding
Harry's hand on
Father's Day.
Harry to Meghan
"What happened
to my watch?"


After all of the
years of wiping
arses,taking
them to things I
don't want to,all
the money I've
forked out for
Birthdays and
christmas,
driving them to
and from
places...It's nice
to finally feel
appreciated after
all of that for a
pair of new socks
and a chocolate
Toblerone.


"What did you
get your Dad for
Father's Day,
Leroy?" "A
private detective."

[slofox]

"...and a chocolate
Toblerone."


Best I be talking to my kids 'bout that! :mad:

[Bikkie]

I just asked this lady
if I could touch her hair?
She said Yes...so I
rubbed my finger across
her top lip,and that's
how the fight started.


My wife's been working
a lot lately and
looking a bit pale,so
I told her to take
a day off and get
some colour back
in her cheeks.
I think she took
it a bit literally,
as I came home
early and found her
with Tyrone up
her arse.


What's the difference
between a snarling
Rottweiler biting
your leg to the
bone,and my wife
complaining about
me chatting up the
barmaid at our
local?
The Rottweiler
will eventually
let it go.


One scientist said
to another."I
know your idea
works in practice,
but will it work in
theory."


I faked an
orgasm so she
wouldn't feel
bad...The female
doctor doing my
prostate examination
wasn't impressed


Paddy has taken
down all the
shelves,book
cases,and even
ditched a plate
stand in his house.
He said his new
girlfriend told
him she has
terrible
Aracknophobia.

[Bikkie]

Can I make up a
car joke on the
spot I hear you
ask? Corsa can.


When I was
young I used to
worry because I
owed money to
people.Now I'm
older I realise
that it's the
people I owe
money to who
should be
worried.


He's so up
himself,he refers
to cum as "Creme
de la penis."


When my ex
moved out she
took my
favourite James
Bond DVD with
her and left an
oasis CD in its
place.When I
realised what
she'd done I
stormed round to
her house and
swapped them
back.After all,
it's my
Thunderball.


Had to inform the
bank today about
a change of
address.They
told me to stop
wasting their
time as my
transvestite
activities were of
no interest to
them.


I couldn't believe
it when I actually
got fined for
"failure to control
my erection in
public!" The
inspector though
said that it was
the worst case of
wobbly scaffolding
that he ever
seen.


What's the world
coming to? I'm
now under
investigation just
for wolf-whistling
at attracting girls
who walk past the
building site....
Fuck knows who's
going to fix that
schools roof now.


Golf the only time
filling 18 holes in a
day can be
enjoyed with
family.


I was going
through a messy
divorce and
getting screwed by
my wife's lawyer
when I found an
old lamp.I rubbed
it and a genie
appeared."Thank
you for freeing
me," he said."In
return I grant you
3 wishes." "Oh!
this is great," I
said."For my first
one I wish I had an
inexaustable
supply of cash."
puff! A wallet full
of $20 notes
appeared."No
matter how much
you take out,it
will always be
full," said the
genie."Oh, fantastic!"
I said.
"Oh,I wish I had
a 19 year old
nymphomaniac for
a mistress!" Puff!
A scantily clad nubile girl
appeared and
started purring
over me."This is
superb!" I cried,"I
wish my bitch of a
wife was here to
see this..."No!...wait!"

[Bikkie]

I see the new
2020 cluedo
games has a black
man in it... ...So
now we know
who's done it
even before the
game fucking
starts.


Just been playing
the new 2020
edition of
'Cluedo' and I have
to say it is much
more realistic....
It was
Mohammed in
the Market with a
machete.


I reckon Adele's
Glastonbury
performance sped
up suddenly towards
the end.
Turns out she
saw the queue at
the hotdog stand
had gone
down.


Cliff Richard has
marked Fireman
Sam being retired
as a Fire Brigade
mascot to
increase diversity
by releasing a
new version of
one of his old
hits.Goodbye
sam,hello to
Sambo.


AIRLINE Pilots,
win public
support and
negotiate pay
increases of
however much
tou like by going
on strike when
you reach
cruising altitude!


I was standing
behind Mick
Jagger at a
burger van earlier
when he ordered
a slice of granite
in a bap."That
can't be very
tasty Mick" I
said.He replied
"I know,It's only
Rock in a Roll but
I like it.


EVERY day is "Black Friday" if
you're a kardashian.

[Bikkie]

"Meghan Markle
crowned Britain's
top social climber
by Tatler as posh
society magazine
claims she's
reached the
pinnacle of the
greasy pole." I've
never heard
prince Harry's
bellend referred
to in the media
as that before.


"I'll do
everything your
wife wouldn't
dream of doing,"
said this
prosititute.
"Great," I
replied,"Can you
start with
cleaning the
house and then
doing the
ironing?"


"Do you think I'm
sexy?" "Fuck me,
I can't win.You
told me
yesterday not to
lie to you again."


I said to Leroy
"You'll always be
discriminated
against because
you're black."
"Tell me
something I don't
know," he said.
"The name of
your father," I
replied.


*In the pub last
night* Me:
"What was that
big instrumental
hit by Fleetwood
Mac in the 60's?"
Mate:
"Albatross" Me:
"Yeah that's the
one....I went to
school with him
Y'know" Mate:
"Really? which
one,Peter
Green? Mick
Fleetwood?" Me:
"Naah....Albert
Ross."


My wife said the
day she married
me was the
happiest day of her
life.And I believed
her,as she stuffed
her mouth full of
cake and said,
"That's the last I'll
be worrying about
trying to keep a
trim figure."


"Save water" label
on my tube of
Colgate
toothpaste.Are
they fucking
taking the piss....I
live in fucking
Scotland.


Remember the 3
step rule to using
porn as foreplay.
Browse,Arouse,
Get it housed.


If sperm is good
for your skin and
makes you look
younger? Then
how come my
hands both look
the same age.

For sale: Tardis.
Slight leak.No
time wasters.


Women hate
patriarchy until
they have to
twist open a tight
lid on a jar of
pickles.

[Bikkie]

Paparazzi pictures
of Camilla in a
swimsuit,
branded by royal
observers as
"Disgusting and
Lurid" have been
published in an
Italian Magazine.
On the upside,
she made the
centrefold of this
week's Horse and
Hound.


Scientists have
finally agreed
that the closest
we will ever get
to perpetual
motion is the
Palestine/Israeli
conflict.

[240]

Sorry mate I don’t get half these jokes,I guess if you are a Pom it would be ok.

[Bikkie]

I wonder in the
history of the
world if anyone
has ever had a
piss around the
front of a tree.


My girlfriend fell
pregnant.But due
to personal
differences,we
hadn't been
sleeping together
for a least a
year.When I
ask for advice
from the doc,he
said "it's what;s
called a grudge
pregnancy"
which he
explained,means
that someone's
obviously had it
in for me.


They say that in
marriage all your
dreams come true.
If my dreams
came true I'd
probably have aids
by now.


What did the
nigger say to the
American cop? Is
that a boner in
your pocket,or
are you happy to
shoot me?


When I woke this
morning,there
was a young
naked boy,with a
large penis
sitting on my
knee...I won't
call into the
tattooist on the
way back from
the pub ever
again.


I woke up yet
again to have a
huge pair of black
balls and a gaint
black cock hitting
me in the face.
Anyway,from
now on my Great
Dane will be
sleeping outside.

[Bikkie]

At first I wasn't
going to join in
with this vagina
museum band
wagon.I thought
Emuff is Emuff,
but then the
juices started to
flow.I believe
the museum can
be penetrated by
the front
entrance only as
the back door is
via the sewage
works.Led Zeppelin
will be playing
at the opening
ceremony with a
performance of
Hole lot of love.


Took me ages to
find the Vagina
Museum.Turns
out it was
obscured behind
a huge bush.


"you've seen
mine every day
for the last 30
years," said my
wife,"so why on
earth do you
want to visit the
Vagina Museum?" I
replied,"because
at least they'll let
me inside it."


Th Vagina
Museum opening
Times:
september 25th-
october 15th:
9am-5pm
october 16th-
october 21st:
closed for
decorating you
fucking selfish
bastard,you don't
fucking understand,
fucking fuck you!


I see that Vagina
Museum is going
to have an entire
exhibition
dedicated to
Tampons.Stuck
up cunts.


Apparently the
entrance to the
vagina museum
isn;t vegan
friendly.The
doors are covered
by a pair of beef
curtains.


Jeremy Corbin
was going to visit
the Vagina
Museum in
London but they
turned him down
....apparently
they have enough
cunts in ther
already...


I visited the
black vagina
museum in
Alabama recently.
I've never seen
so many cunts in
da hood.


I've just opend
the worlds first
restaurant for
transvestites.
'Eat,Drink,And
Be Mary!


Demi Moore has
revealed in her
biography that
she was pimped
out by her
Mother.
Apparently most
of the guys were
arseholes,but
there were A
Few Good Men.


Jake,the
husband in the
gender neutral
baby story,said
"the reason I call
my wife my
Hobbitt is because
she loves anal
sex,and it feels
absolutely wizard
when my cock
disappears in her
ring."


'Metallica's
James Hetfield
enters rehab as
heartbroken band
cancels all
upcoming tour
dates' Master Of
Puppets is pulling
his strings.Sad
But True.

[Bikkie]

We don't need a
vagina museum
in London....we
can go to the
houses of
parliament to see
a room full of
cunts.



The government
wish it to be
known that the
vagina museum
is located at unit
17 & 18 Stables
Market Chalk
Farm Road,NW1
8AH and Not
between Katie
Prices legs.Just
because Katies
minge can
accommodate
500 people more
than the actual
museum/please
don't confuse the
two.


I thought London
already had a
cunt museum.
The House Of
Lords.


Went to that
vagina museum
in London at
4am.I think I
came too early.


Just been to visit
that new vagina
museum and it
was very
realistic...Thanks
to the aquarim
next door.


I went to go to
the vagina
museum but
accidently went
in the building
next door.The
place was a shit
hole.

[Bikkie]

Watford manager:"Just
keep it tight for the
first 20 minutes
lads.."


I asked oliver Twist
if he wanted a go in
the Rugby World Cup
sweepstake.
He said: Please can
I have Samoa?


The Sunday
Times reports
that busty
American
Jennifer Acuri
told friends she
had an affair with
Boris Johnson,who
is being
investigated over
claims he gave
her taxpayers
cash and
preferential
treatment.
Hopefully the
scandal will be
the end of his
premiership.
Then the papers
can run the
headline-Johnson
finished over
He Tits.

Top Tip: Look a
total cunt by
measuring your
steps on a fitbit
and walking
around swinging
your arms like
Liam fuckin
Gallagher.

[Bikkie]

'Should I Stay Or Should
I Go' by The Clash
ought to be played as
Boris mounts the stage
for his conference
speech later this week.


The PM claims Jennifer
Acuri worked very
hard,and the grant she
received was value for
money.
Translated..."She
worked her pants
off,and was worth
every penny!"


Carpe Diem is a
great motto and
all...but if you
seize everyday,you
probablly
have epilepsy.


*Play the new
2020 edition
Monopoly*
*picks up
CHANCE card*
"While watching
LGBTQ for ISIS
parade you get
robbed,raped and
stabbed...Go
directly to jail for
telling the police
the attacker
were black'

[Bikkie]

I told a mate of
mine that my
wife has given
me an ultimatum:
no sex until I
give up smoking.
He asked how
long can I hold
out. I said,"until
I get arthritis of
the wrist."


Why is pulling a
hot asian woman
like skiing?
Because you need
to start with the
practice slopes.


I purchased a box
of desensitising
condoms,but my
wife still cries
after sex.


The new girl at
the office got an
incredibly quick
promotion by
always keeping
her eye on the
ball.To her
credit,she gave
me incredibtly
focused blow
job.


I've ordered
cucumbers online
and put fur
around my
letterbox to send
subliminal
messages to my
fit chinese
postwoman.

[Bikkie]

Harry and Megan,
have begun legal
action to a
newspaper for
publishing private
information.
Seems like they
want their cake
and eat it
too...You can't
be an exhibit in
the zoo and not
have people look
at you,Harry.


Makes sense to
me now that
Bruce Jenner
transitioned to
Caitlyn,after I
learned that as a
youth,he was
diagnosed with
dick-less-ia.


Phil Collins ( 68 )
has had a bad fall
and is in a
wheelchair.He
was blocking a
door as he tried
to get out of a
building,much to
the annoyance of
a woman who
was trying to get
past him.As the
two exchanged
words Collins
exclaimed,"I
can't hurry love."


Michael
Schumacher's
Doctor says he
cannot perform
miracles.
Apparently
neither can his
Doctor.


Be careful an
apple a day
doesn't keep the
doctor away.I
ate loads of them
and had to go to
the doctors
because I had the
shits.

[Bikkie]

The wife burst in
on me having sex
"How could you
do this to me
with my sister?!"
I said "It's not
what it looks
like!" she said
"How the fuck
isn't it?!" I said
"It's actually your
mother in a
school unlform."


My wife asked
me earlier before
going to the
hairdessers
"What cut do you
think would make
me more
attractive?" "A
fucking power
cut".....was
the wrong
answer!


After the wife and
I won the lottery,
we sat down with
a lawyer to discuss
how we'd take the
patment.He asked
me,"Are you still
interested in the
lump figure?"
"Not at all," I
replied,"I'm
definitely going to
find a younger and
thinner woman."


My doctor has just
given me 90
minutes to live.So
I've just started
watching a
women's world
cup game,at least
that will make it
feel like 6 months.


I hate it when
women use the
word "condom"
inappropriately.As
in,"You'll have to
put a condom on
before I suck
that."


I was at the
dentist again
today...Dentist:
"Are you ready,
this is going to
hurt a little." Me:
"Ok,go for it."
Dentist"I'm
sleeping with
your mother."


My pet name for
my wife is
"Infinity" Because
she goes on and
on and on and...


I applied for one
of the Blue
Badges that
they're giving to
people with
'invisible'
disabilities.Turns
out,not having a
car,doesn't
qualify.


"Did you know
that less than
10% of
Americans have
ever traveled
abroad?" "Yeah
that'll be the
army."


As a racist I love a
good game of
snooker.You get
to be white and
win the most
points for knocking
blacks down a
hole.

[Bikkie]

When your
neighbour sees
you washing your
car and says,
"Haha,you can do
mine next," tell
him to do it
himself as it's
bad enough you
have to shag his
wife for him.


Was washing my
car out the front
getting ready to
sell when my
neighbour,shouted
"You can do
mine after
that." Walked
away the next
day with 3 grand
for his lancer and
even threw in
the baby seat


I'll tell you guys
a bedtime story...
Once upon a
time,there was
an ambisexual
who was
antisexist against
bisexuals she
wanted to
desexualize
every
homosexual
thinking they
were
hypersexual but
really it was the
intersexuals that
she wanted
sexlessness with
so she became a
sexologist and
ended up with
sextillion pounds
and became
pregnant with
sextuplets she
called it
sextupling but
asked if everyone
could not
sexulize the
supersexes that
are undersexed.
The sexy end.


So this
Transvestite
came up to me in
the pub last night
and asked,"Who
won the world
cup qualifer
tonight?"
"Uruguay" I
replied "Yes but
only on mondays,
wednesdays and
fridays" he said.

[Bikkie]

As a cymbal of
respect.Ginger
Baker's coffin is
being held in the
White Room at
the
Creamotorium.


Very sad day for
the music world
this week.Lost a
great man who
pounded the
skins with Cream
........Oh,hang
on,just heard
Elton's still
alive....as you
were.


I can already
imagine Elton
John in surgery-
Elton: "Don't go
breaking my
arse."
Doctor: "I couldn't
if I tried."


Feminisim means
never having to
say you're sorry.
Whatever you did
wrong a man
made you do it.


I'm actually quite
proud of my gay
son,especially as
he's grown up to
become a dentist.
He still gets
fucking livid
though when I
call him the
Tooth Fairy.


It will be ironic,if
a black pope is
elected,that he
will be
surrounded by
men in white
robes with pointy
hats swinging
crosses in front of
him.

[Bikkie]

The scottish parliament
has made it illegal for
parents to give their
kids a little smack.
Cannabis only from now
on,I'm afraid

[Bikkie]

I've just
completed "The
First Aid" course.
Turns out it's
something to do
with monkeys
and Africans.


'David Tennant
welcomes fifth
child with wife
Georgia and
announces news
with cheeky Good
Omens post' 'Her
box resembles
the Tardis.'


Simple Minds
singer Jim Kerr's
brother threatened
to cripple and
murder two
superfans who
saw the band
more than 350
times after they
posted a negative
review on
Fackbook,court
hears.He was
planning to leave
them "Alive And
Kicking."


This is my big
bang theory:
None of those
nerdy cunts has
ever had one,
especially the
annoying,gay
sweetcorn shit
sucker.


Last night I
certainly had my
wife orally
satisfied.I
bought her home a giant
chocolate cake.

[Bikkie]

Every day
without fail I
eat a packet of
crab sticks.
It's not that
I like the
taste,can't
stand them
really.It just
stops my
missus cottoning
on when my breath
smells like my
girlfriends
fanny.


Anal sex? Fuck
that shit.


What do you get
a woman who has
everything?
Antibiotics and a
packet of
condoms.

I was once in a
band called
Insecticide we
used to cover
The Beatles



"Are you stupid?
We have all this
paradise and you
want me to rebel
and eat the fruit
of the only tree
we have been
instructed not to
touch? I'm sorry
Eve,there's
nothing you can
ever do that will
make me go
against our
creators
instructions." It
was at that point
that the worlds
first blow job
occurred.


There is no five
second rule about
food being
dropped on the
floor in our
house.That's
because we have
a one second dog.

[Bikkie]

The Rugby World
Cup is in full
flow.It's fantastic
when every
rugby-loving
nation in the
world comes
together to watch
their bought-in
maoris going
head-to-head
against another
countrt's
bought-in-maoris.



As I watched the
New Zealand vs
Ireland Rugby
World Cup match
at the weekend I
thought Diversity
were doing the
pre match
entertainment.


44 Year-old Sue
Radford,the
mother of
Britain's largest
family,is
expecting baby
number 22.I'm
not normally one
to judge people,
but I reckon her
fanny would
make the Arsenal
defence look
tight.

[Bikkie]

I've never been
musical.All
through the 80s I
thought The
Eurythmics was a
birth control
method.


What is the
difference
betwen dogs
and women?
Dogs sense fear,
but women fear
sense.


Andrew Ridgeley
has a new book
out: Wham!
George And Me.I
doubt he wrote it
but may have
ghost read it.


As it is getting to
'Trick Or Treat'
season,have a
'Vegans Live
Here' sign fitted
to your door.It's
as effective as
'paedo scum' but
without smashed
windows.

Is it just me or
has the increase
in female MPS
coincided with
parliament not
fucking listening?

[Bikkie]

Justin Trudeau
celebrates winning a
2nd term in Canada with
a very moving
rendition of the
Al Johnson classic
"Mammy."


Amanda Holden breaks
leg in two places,she'll
need to keep them
elavated.....mind
you,what's new?

[Bikkie]

I have put out a
sign on my front
door FREE
CHOCOLATE FOR
ALL TRICK OR
TREATERS.What
I haven't told them
is its laxative
chocolate,bet
they don't come
next year.


We went to a
Halloween party
on saturday
Night.They said
my wife would
have easliy taken
home first prize
with her spot-on
Ravi Shankar
costume,had she
not carelessly left
her musical
instrument at
home.She was
close,but no
sitar.


Since the
progressives have
made blackface
socially
unacceptable
these days,for
Halloween this
year I am
dressing up as
Justin Trudeau
instead.


I love this time
of year,I can dig
graves out in the
front garden.
Drag out the
dead bodies
wrapped in bin
bags and leave
them there all
month before I
need to bury
them...The
neighbours think
it's a fun
Halloween
display.

[Bikkie]

FOR SALE: Two
unopened crates
of champagne.
Contact The All
Blacks,New Zealand.


Just been
watching the
Rugby World Cup
semi-final,The
All Blacks v The
Some Blacks.


Even Leicester
City scored more
than New
Zealand.


No wonder New
Zealand looked
tired,it's
probably taken
them all week to
learn that dance
routine.

[Bikkie]

Just been to the
shop to lay
supplies ready
for the
trick-or-treaters.
Fun size Mars
Bars...check
Spooky Haribo
Shapes...check
Chocolate
Skulls..check
Sugar
Spiders...check
Ex-Lax...check
Razor
Blades...check.


These trick or
treaters seem to
get old every
year,just had
two at the door
now asking for
money.Costumes
were good
though,they
were dressed as
bailiffs.I gave
them a Mars bar
each and told
them to fuck off.


My wife is a
constant
reminder of
Halloween.She's
dark,a witch,her
minge is hidden
by cobwebs and
she promises me
a treat once a
year before
tricking me.

[Bikkie]

Why did The All Blacks
jump into the ocean?
To play Wales. ( Whales ) :)


Someone suggested
getting a stripper
fo my wife's 60th
birthday.What
a fantastic idea
that turned out to be.
She only has the
paper to hang.


I hired a stripper
for my wife;s
birthday.She loved
it.I was stunned when
she got her tits
out and rubbed them
with baby oil!
Then my wife said,"What
the fuck is she
doing here?"


Doctor Doolittle,
if you are reading
this,could you pop
round to my
house all tell my
neighbours dog
to shut the
fuck up.

[Bikkie]

"Can you change
all my spark
plugs?" I
asked the
mechanic when I
drove into the
garage."Are they
Champion?" He
replied."No mate
they are fucked"
I replied.


Old Mother
Hubbard went to
the cupboard to
get the postman
a letter when
she got there the
cupboard was
bare so they had
it without.It was
better.*Only
really works if
you're old
enough to know
condoms were
called ( French )
letters.


What do we
want? An end
to religious
brainwashing.
When do we
want it? After
christmas.


My wife can't tell
the time.Every
night I get home
from the pub,she
says..."What time
do you call this?"


At the age of 25
I was a young
man looking for a
new kitchen but
with limited
income it wasn't
looking affordable
so I crunched
some numbers
and 30 years
later I have a
perfectly
functioning
toaster,dishwasher,
oven and a hob all
in one that fucks
me and all it cost
me was a ring.


What did the
'Enzyme' say to
MC Hammer?
Yeah man
Break it down.


"Go on," I said to
my wife."Show
me your sex
face." "No!",she
snarled."There, it
wasn't so hard
was it?"


My wife was
questioning why I
went to buy
lottery tickets
wearing war paint
and an Apache
headdress.I just
said to her,
"Fortune favours
the brave."


Andrew was
asked if he's
shagging Fergie.
He said yes,but
he has to take
turns with
Will.I.Am.


I was lying in bed
with the wife this
morning....I was
lying to her,she
was lying to me.


Girls have a panic
attack and cause
a scene over a
small spot.But
hit a curb at
60 mph and all
they say is
"Whoops."

[Bikkie]

"Iron Maiden
frontman Bruce
Dickinson 61,leaves
wife of 29 years
to move in with
superfan 15 years
his junior"
Bruce Dick in fan.


I was poaching
some eggs for
breakfast this
morning when
the farmer caught
me red handed!


I had the best
hardcore sex ever
last night with
my girlfriend and
my 2 pet labradors.
Only joking! I don't
even have a
girlfriend.


My wife said she
wanted to try
something new in
the bedroom.
Excitedly I asked
"What do you
want to do,make
me wear slutty
lingerie? Fuck
me with a
strapon? Piss in
my mouth??"
she said,"No,Oak
wardrobes."


I'm writing a
sitcom in which
four people
named,Joey,Chandler,
Monica and Rachel
meet up on a Tuesday
afternoon in a
Rotherham Park,
smoke dope,
drink strong cider
and chat about
being unemployed.

Working title:
Friends With
Benefits.

[Bikkie]

The UK C.E.O of
McDonald's has
been fired.
Putting his meat
between the
wrong buns
apparently.


My Irish
girlfriend is a big
fan of hurling.
Seems like a
waste of food to
me but she does
have an
incredible figure.


My wife said I
make love like a
painter.I said
"What,like Da
Vinci,smooth
strokes,attention
to detail and the
result is a
masterpiece?"
She said,"No like
the council,rush
the job,leave a
fucking mess and
I have to finish it
myself!"

[Bikkie]

Bono's wife sticks
a banana and
whipped cream
up her minge
during a period.
He calls it a
sundae,bloody
sundae.


Nicola Adams
retires over fears
she could lose
her sight.Well,it
hasn't done
Stevie Wonder's
career any harm.


When launching
my new Formula
One magazine,I
decided to hire
only black people
Due to their
ability to turn
absolutely
anything into a
race issue.


I just entered a
blindfold
wanking contest,
Didn't win,in fact
not sure where I
came.


"Ooo,that should
be interesting,"
said my elderly
mother when
using Google for
the first time."I
can't believe how
many women
there are who
love the BBC,I'll
have to look at
some of these
articles.

[Bikkie]

Things were
tense as my wife
looked at the
credit card
statement and
saw the charges I
made to the
"Escort Service."
Thinking quickly.
I said,"No
darling,that's
from when I took
my old Ford
Escort in to get a
service and new
tyres." "Oh ok,"
said the fat bitch
as she relaxed
slightly,"I guess
then that
explains the
charge for the
Rim Job."


I'm celebrating
Black History
month by
keeping to a
strict diet of
bananas,watermelon
and fried chicken.
Oh,and
stabbing people.


A Fiscal Thought
For Saturday:

Wife or girlfriend
just had a baby,you
will need to
pay for the
folllowing until
the child leaves
home.Childcare,
education,food
clothing,holidays,
toys,hobbies,
leisure and recreation,
pocket money,
furniture,
birthday and
Christmas presents,
driving lessons,
second hand car etc.
Cheapest current
estimate about
$250,000 A $2 condom
would represent a
huge saving? You
could instead
spend that
quarter million on
booze,cigarettes,
women,good food,
home entertainment
etc.However $250,000
would get you at
least 5kg of cocaine
at street prices.If
you have that
much to spend
you wouldn't need
to buy it on the
street.Buy in bulk,
sell on the street,
become quite wealthy.
So today's thought
for the day is
don't do children,
do drugs instead,
you know it makes
sense.It will also
be good for the
environment.

[Bikkie]

I was cruising around
peking today with my
brand new rotary
engined BMW.I was
pleasantly surprised
how many people
knew about the
engine of my car,as
I heard constant
"wanker" shouts,many
also made gestures
suggesting they
were planning to
masturbate later.


You know you're
getting old when you
get more excited
about the maximum
MPG of your car and
not the maximum
MPH.


Had to unplug the
wife's life support
machine today.
Although she prefers
to call it a fridge.


What is the difference
between a pint of
carling and a clitoris?
A clitoris only tastes
like piss for a second.


I got called into
human resources
today because of a
couple of incidents
and was asked if I
know the difference
between left and
right wing.I told
them to fuck off as
my politics was my
business.They still
sacked me though,
turns out aircraft
are fucking expensive
to fix.


The other day I was
having a heated
discussion with a
feminazi at work
about sex and casual
relationships....she
said,"In the male
dominated society if a
woman sleeps with
loads of men that
makes her a slut,yet
if you sleep with a
load of women what
does that make
you? I replied,"A
slut maker."


After the accident
late in the night,he
finally regained
consciousness.He
opened his eyes to
find he was in
hospital,in terrible
pain,in the
Emergency ward
with tubes in his
mouth,needless and
IV drips in both arms,
a breathing mask on
his face,wires
monitoring every
function,and an
attractive nurse
hovering over him.
He realized that he
was obviously in a
life-threating
situation.She gave
him a serious,deep
look,then spoke to
him slowly and
clearly,enunciating
each word and
syilable-"You may
not feel anything
from the waist down."
Somehow he
managed to mumble
in reply."Can I feel
your tits then?"

[Bikkie]

Got pulled by the
police for making an
illegal manoeuvre....
Cop pointed and said
"That sign clearly says
no u turns,and that
pal applies to you." I
said "No you're wrong
mate what I did was a
fucking n turn,you
have to be in reverse
to do a u turn."


I wonder if Tom Daly's
kids meets Elton John's
kids they will have the
argument "My mums
got a bigger cock than
yours."


Chinese people
keep saying that
modesty is one of
their traditional
virtures.


They used to say
if you want a
nigger for a
neighbour,vote
Labour.I'm sick
of having to drive
10 miles to see
my nearest drug
dealer.

[Bikkie]

CNN: "Werner G.
Doehner,the last
survivor of the
Hindenburg
disaster,has
died aged 90."
What's the odds
they'll play
Stairway To
Heaven by Led
Zeppelin at his
funeral?


With Rick Parfitt
dead,will the
Status Quo
change?

[Bikkie]

Only just realised
that "The Beast"
is called that
on The Chase
because in French
beast is la bete
and his surname
is Labbett.I
thought they called
him the beast because
he's a big
fat bastard.

[Bikkie]

Went to one of
those evangelist
churches to see if
it could inspire
me to believe.To
be honest I
nodded off
halfway through,
but did wake up
for the pastors
fire and brimestone
sermon.He shouted
"know ye that
ye shall endureth
misery beyond
compare,suffer
endless cruel torments
and no-one not
even the lord thy
god will hear
your cries of
anguish,for they
will be now lost
and drowned out
by the perperual
moaning of the
wicked." Later the
pastor came over
and welcomed
me and said,"I saw
you nodding and
clapping,so you
liked my sermon
on eternal
damnation in
hell" "Hell?" I
said,"I thought
you were talking
about marriage."


They say that
women have
equal rights,what
a load of shite.I
dressed up as one
yesterday and
got the living shit
beaten out of me.


Just had a
message offering
me sex with a
hot older woman.
Should be
interesting,I'm
eighty three.


Did you hear
Mary Poppins
stopped wearing
lipstick whilst
giving head?
Apparently the
super colour
fragile lipstick
make the dicks
atrocious.


A bunch of lads at
work were saying
they think I'm
gay because I
don't like
football.Fucking
idiots..I'm gay
because I like
cock.


Paul Hollwood
sells ALL his cars
because they
remind him of
the ex.Expensive
to run,noisy,
unreliable and
inadequate
airbags.


A man boards a
plane with six
kids.Once he's
settled them in a
woman leans
over and asks,
"Are they all
yours?" He
replies,"No,I
work for a
condom factory
and these are all
customer's
complaints."

[Bikkie]

I was going to
see the optician
next week,but
my wife said if I
wait until
January I'll have
2020 vision.


I was at the front
of the bus with
my sister.This
old man said
"When are you
two getting off?"
"We're fucking
related you sick
bastard," I
replied.


My Jewish friend
told me he once
had an orgasm
just by the
stimulation of his
ears.Somebody
told him there
was a nearby
cash machine
dispensing free
money.


"Mother Superior
Refuses to
change clothes
for 20 years."
That's a nasty
habit.


I went to get the
autographs of my
two favourite
actors from my
two favoutire
flims. Fatal
Attraction and
Under Siege.I
only managed to
get one.Close
but no Seagal.


When I was a
stripper I never
got to complete a
performance
because every
time I got down
to my pants all
the women would
shout off off off.

[Bikkie]

Thank fuck it's Black
Friday tomorrow,can't
wait to buy myself a
new slave.

[Bikkie]

I don't think all
this 'Black Friday'
is very politically
correct,when I
was younger we
just called him
'Man Friday'


Black Friday!! I
can't wait to get
the boot polish
out and scare the
neighbours.


My mate in
America has just
phoned.He said
he's tried
everywhere to
get Black Friday's
most sought after
bargain.But the
AR-15s are
already gone.






I went into
Farmers on Black
Friday after I
saw a sign saying
underwear half off,
but security kicked
me out.


Funny how times
change,Back in
the day Black
Friday was the
only day they got
to keep their seat
on The bus.

[Bikkie]

( sick Christmas texts )


Chris Rea wrote
"Driving Home
For Christmas"
and "Road To
Hell." Essentially
the same fucking
song.


It has been
confirmed that a
charity record has
been released in
Sierra Leone by
people suffering
with Ebola.A
spokesman has
confirmed that
the proceeds
from the record
will be sent to
help clothe Sir
Bob Geldof.


In 1914 Allied
and German
troops called a
Christmas Day
truce and played
a game of
football in No
Man's Land.It
was all going so
well until
someone yelled
"SHOOT!!!"


with Christmas
fast approaching I
asked my mother
what she wanted.
She said,"All I
want is a bit of
caring and
looking after." So
I've put her in a
nursing home.


What do boobs
and Christmas
trees have in
common? When
you see really
nice one's you
have to ask if
they are real or
fake.


Santa is
nearby.... ....
I can sense his
presents.


My wife asked
what I want for
xmas...How the
fuck is she gonna
wrap a blowjob?


Things I have in
common with
Santa.
1.I eat other peoples
food if left unnattended.

2.I come once a year.

3.I have a heavy sack.

4.I am a fat fuck.


I was at my
gran's house
yesterday when
she said,like she
does every year,
"It doesn't feel
very Christmassy
does it?" "For
fuck sake." I
sighed,"Just
keep rubbing it,
I'm about to
cum."


"What is iT Dad?"
asked my son,as
he shook his
perfectly
wrapped present
at one ear,then
the other.."It's a
shipwreck in a
Bottle."


Airmen roasting
on an open fire
Jihadi slicing off
your nose ISIS
chants being sung
by a crowd And
folks dressed up
ready to blow
Everybody knows
halal and some
misletoe Help to
make the season
shite Tiny tots
with Mohammad's
cock on show
will find it hard
to sleep tonight
They know that
Ahmed's on his
way He's loaded
lots of bombs and
guns today And
every mother's
child is gonna cry
when they see
those that
welcomed them
die So I'm
offering this
simple phrase To
virgins from one
to seventy-two
Although we can't
say it anymore
anyway Merry
Christmas.


Santa Clause had
better watch out.
If you are going
to grow a
massive white
beard and live in
a grotto it's only a
matter of time
until the
Americans bomb
you.


Looking forward
to a peaceful
family Christmas
this year.I'm
going to mix
prozac into the
stuffing.


I'm dreaming of a
white Christmas...
Would be nice if
it snowed as well.


"So this is
Christmas,and
what have you
done?" The start
of a John Lennon
song,or the wife
about to start an
argument.


Marks And
Spencer say in
their advert that
"It wouldn't be
Christmas
without M & S"
quite right.It'd
be Chrita.

[Bikkie]

What are you
getting me for
Christmas,Dad?
Asked Prince
Andrew.For
fuck's sake
Andrew,I've told
you before
Christmas is for
fucking kids
replied Phillip.
You're right,Dad
maybe I should
be out fucking
kids.


The wife just
asked why I
bought one of the
kids a Prince
Andrew toy for
Christmas.Well
he makes a great
little girls
stocking filler.


Prince Andrew
loves Chritmas,
so much so that
he has composed
a compilation of
beautiful
Christmas
songs-'Silent
Child' 'A day in a
manger' 'As
shepards rape
their kids by
night' 'I'm having
nightmares about
predator exposure' 'My
prick can reach
the highest' and
'I'll even put it
inside a reindeer'
to name but a
few....


I couldn't believe
it when we
opened the door
to find some of
the Arabs that
live locally had
come to sing
us "Muslim
Christmas
Carols." I asked
what they were
doing and they
said they were
making a funny
Vlog-reaction
video...still
though,I wasn't
too sure about
the songs:
Violent Night,
Succumb all Ye
Unfaithful,O'Grooming
Town of Rotherham,
The Little
Bomber Boy,
While Shepards
Bummed Their
Flocks,Grandma
Got Run Over By A
Camel,I wish It
Could Be
Eid-al-Fitr Every
Day,and We
Wish You Were
Dead This
Christmas.


Yo mama so fat I
took a picture of her
last Christmas and it's
still printing.


Much to my
surprise,and for
the first time
ever,my Muslim
neighbour bought
everyone on the
street a
Christmas box.
We were all
pleased and it
seemed to make
him happy,
especially when
he said,"Oh and
don't worry,I've
made sure
batteries are
included."


It's beginning to
look a lot like
fuck this...Everywhere
I go.


My wife texted
and said,"If you
get home before
me can you put
the Christmas
tree lights on." I
must amit I feel
slightly stupid
sitting here with
them draped all
over me !


I'm not getting a
real Christmas
tree this year for
the same reason
why I'm not
inviting my
heroin addicted
brother-in-law
round-Too
many needles to
pick up.

[Bikkie]

I asked my wife
what she wanted
for Christmas.
She told me
"Nothing would
make her happier
than a diamond
necklace." So I
bought her
nothing.


Two blondes go
deep into the
frozen woods
searching for a
Christmas tree.
After hours of
sub-zero
tempertures and
a few close calls
with hungry
wolves,one
blonde turned to
the other and
said,"I'm
chopping down
the next tree I
see.I don't care
whether it's
decorated or not!!!"


2 Christmas
crackers are
talking 1st
cracker says,"Mate
I haven't been
with anyone
before not even
hugged someone."
The second says,
"Never mind at least
you'll pull at
Christmas."


I told my
Australian
girlfriend that
the Christmas wreath
she bought was
great,but it's
blocking the
doorway.She
said,"It's a great
Barrier Wreath.


How much did
Santa Claus pay
for his sleigh?
Nothing,it was
on the house.


Tiz the season to
make lasting
memories.I have-mostly
on my
fucking credit
card.


Walking past our
local furniture
shop during the
Boxing Day sales
I noticed a sign
advertsing "1/3
off all our 3 piece
suites!!" I
thought "Well
that a 2 piece
suite then"


I asked my son
what he wants
me to get him for
Christmas.He
said,"Google
Glasses." I said.
"Ok,but I already
know what
glasses are."


My date last
night asked me if
I get excited
about Christmas
and to give an
example.I said,
"If you jingle my
bells I'll promise
you a white
Chrismas."
Apparently there
is no 2nd date.


I've been caught
having sex with
Santa.I'm a
Hohosexual.

[Bikkie]

I wish we could
afford both
Rudolph and
Blitzen for our
Santa's grotto
this year.But
alas,they're two
deer.


I went to buy a
Christmas tree
this morning and
as I was paying
the man behind
the counter
asked me,"Will
you be putting
that up
yourself?" The
sick fuck,I'll be
putting it up in
my living room.


On Christmas
morning,when
your childern tell
you their
new phones are
the wrong colour,
their new laptops
are not good
enough for their
particular needs,
and your wife
tells you that the
$1800 necklace
you got for her is
"Nice," please
spare a thought
for those on their
own.And try not
to get jealous.


Last Christmas
we did a "Secret
Santa" at the
office where we
each drew a
name of someone
we'd exchange
gifts with.I drew
Adul,this
creepy Muslim
that works in
resources.He
opened the gift I
got him and
wasn't impressed...He
complained,"All
of us were to
spend a minimum
of $50,and you
only randomly
got me this
Alarm clock!"
"Oh right,I just
thought you
might find it
useful in case you
happened to be
building a bomb."


Paul McCartney
was asked if he
was putting a
stocking up at
Christmas,"Fuck
off," he replied,
"Last time I did
that,Heather
Mills was in it."


I heard that
Jeremy Corbyn
was speaking to a
load of kids about
Santa and how he
didn't really exist
and was made up
by capitalism to
sell goods and
make profit for
wealthy people,
but little
Johnny spoke up
"Yes Jezza,that
may be true," he
said,"but he'll
still fucking exist
after ChristmaS."


Radio DJ: "Sorry
we're not allowed
to play Baby it's
cold outside..."
But anyways,
here's Cardi B
telling everyone
to eat her ass...


Talking of Christmas
I saw a
Carpenters
tribute act the
other night called
The Joiners.


I've got my
Grandad a bottle
of strong
aftershave and a
new cigarette
lighter for
Christmas.Can't
wait to see his
face light up.


When Iwas a
child,I grew up
in a very poor
house.One
Christmas,I
opened my
present only to
reveal an empty
box."It's an
Action Man,son,"
said my dad."But
dad,it's empty!"
"Yes,it's the
"Deserter",.."


The wife wants a
new bag and belt
for ChristmaS.
Happy to oblige,
the hoover
should work a
fucking treat
now.


What's the
difference
between a
Christmas tree
and a man? A
Christmas tree
will stay 'up' for
12 nights,has
cute balls and
looks good with
the lights on.


Some presents at
Christmas time
are small,yet
they will truly
stay with you
forever.Like
fucking wrapping
paper glitter.

[Bikkie]

Former Aussie PM,Bob
Hawke,persuaded his
daughter not to reveal
to the world what had
happened to her down
under.


After investing
my money into
buying a sex doll
it's surprising
how much more
sex I am
getting....due to
inflation.


My best mate's
wife was
pregnant and he
asked me to be
Godfather.So I
threatened his
family and killed
his horse.


Boxing has to be
the most
unrealistic sport
ever.I mean
come on now,
two niggers
fighting without
knives? Just
doesn't happen.

[Bikkie]

All the U.K politicians
will want a little
sleep after a weekend of
mass debating!


Tottenham player
Son Heung-Min
says a dog is not
just for
Christmas.It's
also for
sandwiches on
Boxing day.


I was shopping in
this specialty
store with the
wife,and she was
looking at a large
selection of
crystal balls.The
saleslady
appoarched her
and asked,"Are
you a medium?"
"Of course not"
she growled,"I'm
an XXXXXL"


"Man who
inspired ice
bucket challenge
dies aged 34"
Idiot: You're
supposed to pour
the bucket over
your head,not
kick it.


I'm even pleased
to see my Muslim
neighbour getting
in on the
Christmas spirit
this year.He left
a bedroom
window open and
I looked in and
he was dancing
around with one
of his sex
partners singing
"All I want for
Christmas is ewe!"


What do you call
a singing
computer?
A DELL.

[Bikkie]

Marie Fredriksson
of pop duo
Roxette has died
aged 61...When
the other one
snuffs it they will
probably release
Roxette Box
Set.


Fed up with being
broke 'Christmas
just round the
corner' just pop
into A&E 'take a
picture of your
child laying on
the floor and sell
it to the press'
job done.


My ex wife's cunt
is like the White
House.No bush
and there's been
a black guy in it
recently.


I went to a
Christmas Speed
Dating event last
night.I pulled a
cracker!




Whenever I
receive a gift
card for
Christmas,I can't
help but feel as
though the
person is trying
to tell me,"I
would give you
the money,but I
know that you'll
spend it on
alcohol."

[Bonez]

What's the the diffence between Maxine Waters and a KB West Coast Leather Back. Nothing. They both talk shit.

[Bikkie]

"Marie
Fredriksson
health:Roxette
singer passes
away after
17-year cancer
battle" She had
the look.


Snow is like a
cock,it's
measured in
inches,soft to
the touch,cums
when least
expected,and it
never gets quite
as deep as you
would like it!!!!!
And.....Driving in
the snow is like
eating pussy,if
you don't slow
down and pay
attention you
could slide into
the arsehole in
front of you...


The Met Office
have declared
today the busiest
day of the year
for commutes
and have
prepared several
phrases for use;
'For fuck sake...'
'How bastard
long?? Listen
Gunga-Din,the
traffic isn't
moving,turn the
fucking meter off'
'Who's
trreatening to
throw themselves
off the bridge?
Hey look kids,a
real Christmas
jumper! Do a flip
you daft cunt'
'This traffic is your
fucking fault'
And of course,
'Allah Ah what?
oh shit,run!'


My son said,
"Dad,why do
they call it
Boxing Day?" I
said,"Because
that's the day all
the supermarkets
get the boxes out
and fill the
shelves full of
fucking Ester
eggs."


Sooooo i've
decked the halls
as the song
suggested.
Though Mr & Mrs
Hall don't share
my joy.


Good news for all
of you with a
coke habit.No
more sleeps till
Christmas.

[Bikkie]

I've bought the
wife a false leg
for Christmas.It's
not her main
present though,
it's just a
stocking filler.


One of the most
want toys this
Christmas is a
talking Muslim
doll.Noboby
knows what it
says because
they daren't pull
the string.


I'm loving my
Oscar Pisorius
advent calendar
made by
Smirnoff.There's
a shot behind
every door.

( sung to the tune Rudolph the red nose reindeer )

Rudolph the well
hung reindeer,
Had a great
enormous cock,
All he could ever
do with it,was
beat it off inside
a sock,All of the
female reindeer,
Had pussies that
were just too
small,Poor old
well hung
Rudolph,could
not get any sex
at all,Then one
horny Christmas
eve,Santa came
to say,"Rudolph
with your cock so
strong....Fuck my
arshole all night
long....!" Then all
the reinder
loved him,A few
of them were
heard to say,
"Rudolph the well
hung reindeer...,
You're so lucky
Santa's Gay.


I like my women
how I like my
advent calendars.
Against the wall
flaps open.


A woman with a
clipboard just
knocked on our
door and asked if
we would have a
refugee for
Christmas.We
normally have a
turkey but fuck
it,I'll try
anything once.


No matter how
old you are,an
empty wrapping
paper tube is still
a light saber.


Christmas these
days is a lot like
having sex,the
build up is great
but when it
finally comes,I
regret spending
all that money.


So i've asked the
wife what she
wants for
Christmas.She
said she wants
"Some chocolate
and a nice
surprise would be
lovely." Kinder
Egg it is
then........


You can't fucking
win with women,
my misses wanted
decking outside
the patio door.
for Christmas.
Now she is just
coming round in
A&E the cow is
on about leaving
me!

[Bikkie]

I was looking at
the many
Christmas cards
that I received,
particulary the
ones that
pictured the
Nativity scene.
The stable
covered in snow
with Mary,
Joseph and little
baby Jesus in his
crib.It got me
thinking....When
did last snow in
Jerualem?


Last year I left
my Christmas
shopping too late
and ended up
getting it all done
at a petrol station
on Christmas
morning.I
thought the
limited selection
would leave me
in the shit but
my 17-year old
daughter
squealed with
delight when she
opened her 'L'
plates and ran
over to hug me.I
don't know why
she went out to
look on the
driveway though.


It was Christmas Eve
and I could hear
faint Latin
rhythms and long
guitar notes
coming from
behind the
fireplace.Santana
was stuck up the
chimney.


After checking
that my wife had
left,I snuck into
our daughter's
room as she lay
fast asleep in
bed.I knelt down
beside her,as
quietly as
possible.I then
slowly began to
force her flaps
open,before
sliding my fingers
in,one by one.
Overcome with
hunger,I popped
it into my mouth.
I knew it was
wrong,but I
didn't care.
Suddenly,her
eyes opened,and
as I quickly
yanked my
fingers back from
within,she let
out a terrible cry.
"Daddy,get the
fuck out of my
advent calendar!"


Last year my
wife was fuming
that I forgot to
buy her a
Christmas
present and said
that I should go
get her
something 2 months
in advance.
With only 8 weeks
until Christmas,
I've been and got
her present.
She's going to
love these
flowers.


It is that time of
year again for the
tradition of drunk
people stuffing
their hands up a
fat birds arse.Or
is that just our
works party?



Christmas is
coming so be
careful on the
roads as quite a lot
of guys will be
having a few
drinks and letting
their wives drive

[Big Dog]

https://youtu.be/IABRgZH12YA

[Bikkie]

An unnamed bidder at Sotheby's
has paid 137.500 pounds
for a pair of
John Lennon's glasses.
He should have gone to
specsavers.


Someone bought Jonn Lennon's
specs for 137,500 pounds.
Oh no!


News: Woman allergic to apples
removed from plane.
Fuck me,what exactly
is in an iphone?


A little boy about 9 or 10,
was sitting on Santa's
lap...Santa pointed his
finger in the boys
face,and said,"George I know
what you want for Christmas!
A T-O-Y." "Nope!" replied
George.Then again,pointing
his finger in the boys face.
"You want C-A-N-D-Y." "Nope!"
replied George."Then just
what the hell do you want?"
asked Santa.George looked
Santa in the face,pointing
his finger,I want some
P-U-S-S-Y! And don't tell
me that you don't have
any.Because I can smell
it on your finger!"


This year we are
playing Christmas
Cluedo at my
house,where the
wife murders the
Turkey in the
kitchen,with the
oven.


2016:George
Michael's 'Last
Christmas'


My wife has left
me because I ate
too much chocolate
over Christmas.This
calls for a
celebration.


Action on climate
change releases
it's charity single.
"There Won't Be
Snow In Antartica
This ChristmaS."

[Bikkie]

My 10 year old
daughter has written
her Christmas list to
Santa.She wants a real
life prince and to live in
a castle.Anyway I've
forwarded it on to
Buckingham Palace


My girlfriend
has dumped me.
I now know that,
when she
expected me to
treat her like a
queen,it didn't
invlude completetly
ignore the silly
old bint at
Christmas


If Santa only
comes once a
year,it makes no
wonder his sack
is Full!


My colleague
received a
Shaggy CD in the
secret Santa."It
wasn't me."


When Savile got
suck up the
chimney,He
began to shout
"You girls and
boys won't get
any toys unless
you pull me off!"


Got all my
Chrismas
shopping done
already.Hope
everyone likes
Halloween
costumes.


I put
up some
misletoe over
the door at work
to get the office
in the Christmas
spirit.
Unfortunately
though,the other
blokes using the
urinals seemed
uncomfortable
with the concept.

[Bikkie]

Can't believe my
neighbour Abdul
has handed us a
Christmas present,
especially after all
the racist abuse
I've been giving
him all year.I'm
no Sherlock but it
sounds like a
clock.


My heroin dealer
let me down
yesterday.Today
I'm having cold
turkey.


As a kid I used to
hate it when you
got two of the
same present.But
now I'm looking at
four bottles of
scotch in the
cupboard.Fuck
yeah.It's like my
friends know me
or something.


Of course Die Hard
isn't a Christmas
film.IT'S THE
Christmas film.


You'll be loving
the Muslims when
you need some
fucking milk
tomorrow!


My 10 year old
son loves
everything to do
with zombies.He's
watched all the
Walking Dead and
plays zombie
games on his Xbox
all night long.So
for Christmas I've
bought him a bag
of spice.


The wife was gone
for ages.So I
phoned her,"Are
you ok love?" I
asked,"You've
been gone for ages."
"Yes," she replied,
"I'm out Christmas
shopping and my
period kicked in."
"Oh well," I said,
"At least you'll be
able to find your
way back to the
car first time."


My missus winked at
me and said,"I'd love
a big stiff cock for
Christmas" Well she
can fuck off if she
thinks I'm paying
for a sex change
for her.


"What shall we get
Dad for
Christmas?" "How
about some cut
glass tumblers?"
"He's an alcoholic.:
"Ok how about
some half-cut
glass tumblers?"

[Bikkie]

Every Christmas
we'd run
downstairs to the
big pile of presents
and start
unwrapping them
as fast as we
could.Sometimes
there would be
fights over who
had the best toys
but we would all
make up later and
sit down to have a
three hour dinner
before watching
telly for the rest of
the day.I really
miss working at
the NZ post Office.


Recently we had
our family's
Christmas
gathering,and I
played Santa this
year."HO HO HO,"
I laughed loudly...
as I pointed at my
wife's three slutty
sisters.


A bloke is rushed
to A&E with a
sunbeam steam iron up his
Arse."Good grief," said
the doctor,"I thought
I'd seen it all,how
on Earth did you
manage that?"
"Well," said the
bloke,"It
happened just
after my wife
opened her
Christmas present."


Took some
Christmas tree
lights back to the
somali guy that
owns the corner
shop because they
didn't work.He
said it was just
one faulty burnt
out blub,and that
he would change it.
1o minutes later
he was really
struggling to
unscrew the blub
he cursed it saying
"Get the fuck out,
you dodgy black
bastard." which
ironically is what I
was thinking when
I bought them off
him in the first
place.


I've told my
missus not to eat
the chocolate
coins on the
Christmas tree this
year because after
March they will be
worth a sight
more than real
fucking money.


I sat my kids
down for a frank
talk and told
them that due to
some tight
financial
circumstances
this year,they
wouldn't be
getting any
Christmas gifts.
Had to make
some sacrifices
though for me to
finally order that
Ferrari!"


I said to my wife,
"That Christmas
film I've just
watched was a bit
up and down."
She said,"Which
one?" I said,
"Bipolar Express."


Abdul from next
door was disccusing
why Islam was the
only religion to
follow."What did
Jesus ever bring
into your life?" he
asked me.I didn't
answer.I just sat
there with my glass
of wine and bacon
butty thinking about
the new motorbike
my wife had
promised me for
Christmas.


The police
knocked on my
door and told me I
had to take down
my Christmas
lights."This is
ridiculous," "5
other houses on
this street have
also already put up
their lights."
"Indeed," replied
the police,"But
they haven't
arranged their light
strands to spell
"Pakis out!"


Just bought ourselves
a scraggly necked old
turkey that's going
to get the chop at
Christmas time.We've
called him
James Corbyn.


I had my first
chocolate log of
the Christmas
season last
night.....it
took three
flushes to
get rid of it.


The downside of
being a bomb
disposal technican....It
takes six hours to
open my
Christmas gifts.....

[Bikkie]

Just put a whole
new meaning to
Boxing Day by
knocking out my
wife within the
first 10 seconds
of it!


Fuck I missed the
Queens speech
yesterday.That's
sixty three years
in a row now.

[Bikkie]

The Internet has
become too politically
correct.What's all
this nonsense about
disabled cookies? In
my day they were
called broken biscuits.


"What do you want
for your birthday?" My
girlfriend asked
"Anal sex." I replied
"Ha ha,nice try,tell me
something I can buy
for you." "Ok then,
Anal sex with a
prostitute."


When I was a kid I said
to my mum,"I really
want a tattoo." She
said,"If your going to
have a tattoo have it
done somewhwere that
nobody gives a fuck
about." So I had it
done in Auckland.


The NHS have come up with a
new way to help people with
sleeping problems without the
use of drugs....As of tomorrow
Manchester United match
recordings will be avaliable on
prescription!


"I've got a big
cock," I said to her."Fuck off,"
she replied.It's really hard to
chat up women who don't like
blokes that breed chickens.

[Bikkie]

Watched David
Attenborough's
seven worlds one
planet last
night....What did
we learn? Well
that pumas are
fast....But not as
fast as a black guy
legging it out of a
Athele's Foot store
in a pair of stolen
Nikes.


Does Adele title
her albums
according to her
weight?


BBC."But Andy
Murray,I thought
you loved playing
in Austrailia"...
Andy Murray..."To
me,love means
nothing."


I asked my
partner to rate
my listening
skills.She said,
"You're an 8 on a
scale of 10." I
don't know why
she told me to
urinate on a
skeleton.


A poor quality
Hardware and D.I.Y
store by a David
Bowie fan has
opened up.It's
called "Rubble
Rubble."


The A Team couldn't
be found by the U.S
Army or the FBI,but
could be found by a
little old lady with
landlord troubles.


Paddy tells his wife
"My bumhole is really
burning,I've no idea
what it is..." ..."Ring
Sting" his wife says...
...Paddy replies,"How
the fuck will he
know?"

[Bikkie]

This year my
new years resolution
is to stop using
spray on deodorants.
Roll-on 2020.


Dead simple this.If your
chromosomes are xx you're a
woman,if they are xy you're a
man.If they are x your name is
Malcom.If they are xxx you have
just signed a birthday card.xo
you're a chinese sauce.x=y2
you're a comudrum.My wife's
chromosomes are oxo that's
because she's a bit of a
fucking cow.


'Robbie Williams reveals he slept
with his drug dealer on the night
he met Ayda Field' He scored twice
before going on the field.


People are like wine gums.Every
colour offers a different taste that
enriches your life and makes you
smile.Except black ones,they're
fucking horrible.


FELLAS: If you suffer from penis
envy,then stop looking at other
blokes penises.


I begged my mate sam not to do
karoake,but samsung anyway.


Interest on your debts is
essentially just money cancer.


Why don't people in
coronation street ever
look at the tv
magazines in the
newsagents to find out
what is going to
happen to them next
week?


The guy that
convinced Stevie
Wonder that he
needed sunglasses
must of been one hell
of a salesman.

[Bikkie]

Making a list of
women I should
have fucked
when I had the
chance 1.All
of them.


If a pig loses its voice
does it become
disgrunted?


Give a man a fish and
he can eat for a day.
But teach a man to
fish,and he will bore
you to fucking death
with fish stories.


I was sitting on my own in a
restaurant,when I saw a beautiful
woman at another table.I sent her a
bottle of the most expensive wine on
the menu.She sent me a note,"I will
not touch a drop of this wine unless
you can assure me that you have
seven inches in your pants." So I wrote
back;"Give me the wine,As goreous
as you are,I'm not cutting off three
inches for anyone."


Apparently every
woman is bi.It just
takes time to figure
out if it's sexual or
fucking polar.


I walked into a
tattooist today,pulled
my pants down and
said,"I want my
girlfriend's name
tattooed down my
cock please," "Well
lets fucking hope her
name is Sue or Ann."
he replied.



I got home from work
knacked and the
wife was stark naked
on the settee with
her legs wide open.
"Welcome home
sweetheart," she
said,"Now then my
pussy won't lick itself,"
"I know and I'm
going to do
something about it."
I replied,"Rover,
Rover.Come here
boy,there's a good
dog."

[Bikkie]

Now that Meat Loaf has turned
vegetarian he wishes to be known
as Nut Roast.


My last girlfriend dunped me
because she said I was always
doing owl impressions...I was a
twit to woo her in
the first place.


A mate who used to be a roadie for
Queen back in the day once told me
an amusing tale when the band
were setting off from heathrow
airport.Freddie had brought his
boyfriend along and the poor lad
couldn't get through the airport
scanner,after trying several times
it was revealed he was full of
mercury.


I asked a librarian
if they had
anything on
telepathy?
"Nothing comes
to mind."


I'm in my forties
now,but I'm
proud to say I
haven't lost my
looks.I always
was a right ugly
fucker.


Found my wife's
vibrator the other
day.It's so fucking
massive I'm seriously
thinking about
entering it in Robot
wars!


I saw an offer for pig
breeders weekly
magazine,I signed
up for a 2 year
subscription...And I
got a free pen.


Wimbledon The time
of year blind people
think porn is being
shown on daytime TV.


I'm hotter than a
smack heads spoon.


A wife comes back
from the doctors with
a big smile on her
face Husband says
"Why are you so
happy?" The wife
says,"The doctor told
me that for a 45 year
old woman,I have 18
year old breasts" "Oh
yeah" said the
husband,"Well what
did he say about your
45 year old arse?"
she said,"Your name
never came up in
conversation."


I saw Prince Charles
and Camilla
heading
for cornwall
yesterday on the
motorway,hogging
the middle lane and
had no option but to
undertake them...I
passed the Duchy on
the left hand side.:)

[Bikkie]

Rod Stewart
proves that the
first cut is the
deepest.As long
as he throws the
first punch.


I googled Rod
Stewart's age.I
had no idea he was
74 I must say
though......he
wears it well.


Young Hotel
security guard who
was punched by
Rod Stewart is
heralded as a hero.
I had no chance,he
said.The cunt
was 74.


I just walked past
a pornstar in a
car who was
straddling the
centre console,
fucking the gear
stick.At first,I
thought it was an
automatic,but
then I realised it
was Emmanuelle.


Is it just coincidence
that black ice is the
most dangerous?


My wife just came
out of the bedroom
wearing a Nurses
outfit.I thought,
Fucking Awesome
she's going to work.


It was a
Yorkshireman who
invented cats
eyes.He came out
of the pub late one
night,a cat walked
towards him in the
middle of the road
which gave him
the idea of cats
eyes.Had the cat
been walking in
the opposite
direction he would
probably have
invented the pencil
sharpener.


One of the things
that pisses me off
about "Doctor
Who" is the
Tardis.Why is it
still a Police Box?
Couldn't the all
knowing doctor
make it appear as
something more
congruent to the
modern high
street? Like a
charity shop or
bookies?

[Bikkie]

I used to work at
a keyboard factory,and
my sector was responsible for
the making of the
key D; my job
was to test
whether the D
key worked or
not,so everyday
I would sit and
press the D key
on different
keyboards for 8
hours a day 5
days a week.
Eventually I had
had enough and
had to leave the
job was just
really Depressing. :)


Can't believe I
have to wear this
dress and
make-up for
another 3 weeks.
Should never
have signed up
for Tranuary.


"Your Nan sucks
cock!" classic
insult,not so
funny when she's
whispering it in
your ear though.


Prince Harry is so
under the thumb
he's soon gonna
have less hair
than his big
brother.


35 killed in
stampede at
funeral procession of
Qassem Soleimani.
One mourner said,"I
should've walked
but Iran."


I keep reading
about these
terrible fires in
OZ.Hasn't anyone
thought about
contacting the
wizard?


Women selling
their nude
pictures for
donations to the
Australian bush
fires.Smoking
hot bush pics to
put out...smoking
hot bush.


Bit soon for a
tennis player
called Ash to
represent
Australia,don't
you think?


Australia now has
to deal with Ash
problem.They
have my
sympathy,especially
when he finds out
there's no longer
Pokemon GYm.


Did you know
that Einstein used
to masturbate
before attempting
complicated maths
problems...
...which I thought
was a stroke of
genius.

[Bikkie]

For everyone
who believes that
"Nothings
Impossible." Try
getting life
insurance when
you smoke 60 a
day and drink 7
bottles of scotch
a week.


Got a like on a
dating app off a
girl who listed
her interests as
anal sex and the
sound of music...
I thought that's
one of my
favourtie things,
hmm I bet it's a
Von Trapp.


Do you ever
wake up.Kiss the
person beside
you and just be
thankful to be
alive? I did.Not
really appreciated
on buses
apparently.


"You wouldn't happen to do hot
chocolate mate!" I asked the
barman."I'll defintely give it a go!"
He said...."I believe in
miracles.....where you
from...You sexy thing?"


"Your wife has given
birth to a little girl
but there are
problems,the baby
cannot suck or
swallow," "Fuck me,
only a few minutes
old and she already
takes after her
mother."


Paddy:"Have you
ever cheated on me?"
wife:"Yes,but only
twice.Remember
when we were skint,
and I said the butcher
gave us some steaks
for free?"
Paddy:"That's not so bad.
What about the
second time?"
Wife:"Remember when
you stood for office
and said you were
35 votes short?"

[Bikkie]

Prince Harry and
Meghan Markle
told Elton John of
their plans to quit
royal duties
BEFORE they told
the Queen.I'm
confused who
did they tell
first?


Piers Morgan insists it
wasn't racism that
drove away Harry and
Meghan.I think he's
right.It was more than
likely their chauffeur.



I wonder if ugly
people make a
pretty face when
they orgasm?


I got kicked out
of the weekly
pub quiz last
night.Apparently
"Apes together
strong" isn't the
slogan for Black
Lives Matter.


Just read a sign
in a shop window:
It said...."I would
rather have a 1,000
Muslim
customer's than
have one British
soldier in my
shop," My local
funeral director
cracks me up.


Why do
women pay more
for a haircut?
Because the
conversation is
harder work!
( Do I get a hell yea? )

[Bikkie]

Prince Harry tells
the Queen that
there's no need
for a transition
period as
Meghan has
already taken his
balls away.


Will Harry now
be known as the
Royal formally
known as Prince?


Say what you
want about
Meghan Markle,but
the recent news
makes her a symbol
of president Trump's
dream for America.A
non-white foreigner
refusing public
benefits and getting
the hell out of the
country...



"Kate and Meghan haven't
spoken for months."
I wish I'd married a
woman like that.



"Duchess boards
a seaplane to
visit a woman's
shelter in
canada" I knew it
wouldn't last,still
no one will notice
she has a black
eye.



Cressida Bonas:
"People always
try to stick a
label on me...I
just want to act!"
The young lady is
far too modest;
she scores at
least nine and a
half out of ten,so
I am sure there
are plenty of men
who want to stick
something in her
rather than on
her.



I'm not saying my new
girlfriend is kinky.
But when I told her
my favourite song is
"April Showers" she
pissed on my face.



Bono's son's band
Inhaler insist
they want to
make it on their
own and don't
want to use his
dad's name for
themselves.The
track listing for
their album
of original
material has just
been released-
1.With or without me.
2.Where the streets have some names.
3.New years eve.
4.I've literally just found what I'm looking for.
5.Monday bloody Monday.
6.Slightly better then the real thing.
7.Angel of Hartlepool.
There's more' I'm sure....

[Bikkie]

So,Gwyneth
Paltrow is making
vagina scented
candles now....
Presumably
because since
Chris Martin left,
she misses the
smell of a cunt
around the
house?




Gwyneth Paltrow
candles under
investigation
after a Husband
and Wife black
out from the
smell.Apparently
they had the
candle burning
whilst making
love.A neighbour
found the
unconscious
coupling.


There's fuck all
unique about that
Gwyneth Paltrow
candle,every
candle in our
house smells like
my old woman's
fanny.


That Gwyneth
Paltrow candle
isn't very
realistic.It's only
had one wick
dipped in it.


Gwyneth Paltrow
is now going to
bring out a candle
the size and
shape of her tit.
Should fit into
A-cup.


Gwyneth Paltrow
released a candle
that smells like
her vagina.Not
difficult really.
Her vagina smells
of wax.She gave
up using plastic
vibrators a while
ago.


So that what
Chris Martin
smells like!


I'm going to
bring out a candle
that is the size
and smell of my
cock.I'm calling
it the Tee-He
light.


Gwyneth
Paltrow selling
candles that
smell like her
vagina.She gets
on my wick.

[Bikkie]

A poem for
Meghan: Meghan
Sussex is a cow
Look at what she's
up to now Evil
witch has got her
way Bolting off
for USA Harry's
really pussy
whipped Round
his cock a noose
she's slipped All
his friend's she's
cast adrift with
Will and Kate
she's caused a rift
High and mighty
she has been
Total disrespect
for Queen Really
she's just trailer
trash Black and
common-after
cash Millions on
the wedding
went Fortunes
then on
Frogmore spent
Servants at their
beck and call
Nannies come
and then they fall
Thinks she's had
a rotten deal she's
no idea just
what is real
Whinges,whines
and blames a lot
Are we sorry?-
we are not!
Wallis Simpson
did the same US
slappers sadly
came Upset our
Royals and our
press Causing
utter bloody
mess My strong
advice to Harry is
Man up and bin
the woggy frizz
Cut and run at a
great speed She's
not suitable to
breed.



Harry and Meghan,
or the black and
white minstrel show
as they'll be known
from now on.



Prince Harry
shows he's
serious about
paying back
5 million taxpayers
momey that went
into the
Frogmore
Cottage
renovation,I'll
pay for it with
my white
privilege....

[Bikkie]

Meghan Markle
throws a masssive
fit after
discovering that
Disney Princess
movies are not
instruction
manuals on how
to perform Royal
duties.


It was a black
day for Britain
when Prince
Harry walked
away from his
official duties.On
the other hand it
means the Royal
Family will have
a white future.


Prince Harry was
asked again about
his carbon
footprint.He
replied,"I'm sick
of people calling
her that."


Well I must say I
am looking
extremely
forward to seeing
South Park do a
episode,involving Prince
Harry and his
lass moving to
canada.


Prince Harry
teams up with his
high school
chemistry teacher
to cook meth in a
desert on the
next episode of
Breaking Royal.


What's Prince
Harry's favourite
type of extinct
fish? Meglagone.



Bad Boys.So
called because of
the sugar,starch
and carbs that fat
cunt Martin
Lawrence has
consumed.


My wife left me
because I like
pina colada.
Well,that and I
got caught in
Lorraine.

[Bikkie]

"Amazon driver
kicked customer's
pet dog six times
and branded owner
a bitch" I
didn't realise
they carried a
branding iron in
the van.


Just asked a sexy
oriental chick
where she comes
from.Never
heard of
"Mibollax" before,not
going to stop
me fucking the
arse off her
though.


Conner McGregor
finishes in 40
seconds and he's
a success.I
smash it in 40
seconds and I'm a
disppointment.


I rang up the
samaritans
earlier but was
put on hold.The
fucking song in
the background
though.Blondie-
Hanging on the
telephone.


Paddy Guinness
says he needed
therapy to film
Top Gear.Unlike
the rest of us,who
needed therapy AFTER
watching him in
Top Gear.


If fans of Duran
Duran are called
Dunannies,and
fans of Carly Rae
Jepson are called
Jepsies,are
Pantera fans
called Panties?


Just got off the
phone with Bill
Withers.I told
him Aint No
Sunshine is poor
grammar.He said
"I Know I Know I
Know I Know I
Know I Know I
Know I Know I
Know I Know I
Know I Know I
I Know."


Under new rules
fertility clinics
are going to be
allowed to take
sperm from
corpses.We all
expect our Dads
to have been a
bit stiff when we
were conceived,
but not that
bloody much.

[Bikkie]

If someone
emails you
claiming to be
Terry Jones....it's
just SPAM.


Apparently the
coronavirus is
associated with
snakes.No
coincidence then
that,the day it
arrives in Britain,
one of their famous
pythons drops
dead.


It's....!...Monty
Pythons Dying
Cirus!


Irish band The
Corona's are
having a shit
time trying to
tour Asia.

[Bikkie]

Charles: "There's
no i in team,son.
You need to stay
with the family
firm."
Harry: "That's the
problem,papa
I've been warned
there'll be no
Me in Meghan,unless
we move to
canada.:


Watching Manchester
united used to be
akin to having
sex with a beautiful
woman,thrilling,
passionate and
usually an exciting
climax.
Nowadays it's like
fucking a blowup doll
with a puncture you
hope it doesn't
go sown before
you've finished.


Arsenal have got
more fucking
draws than
IKEA.

Knock knock
"Who's there?"
"Never mind that
now! stop the
funeral.I think
Grandad's still
alive!"

[Bikkie]

It's ironic that a
south korean
movie called
parasite has won
The Oscars best
picture...when
the Asians are
spreading disease
around the
planet.


As I heard the
roar of the
engine and the
smell of Diesel in
the air,noticing
the musicians in
their coats of
many colours,the
gay dancers
dressed as
gophers and the
singer practising
"I'm coming out"
by Diana Ross,I
just knew it. The
Phillip Schofield
Band Wagon was
about the leave.
Destination.

[Bikkie]

I needed a new
suit so I called in
at my local men's
clothing store
where unusually
a young woman
took my order,
helping me
choose a pattern,
measuring my
inside leg
discreetly,and
processing my
card.I asked her
how long it would
take and she said
no time at all.
Afterwards I
went to the bank
and,realising I'd
left my card in
the clothing
store,I went
back to collect it.
I thought you'd
be back,she said,
here is your card,
and here is your
suit.I was
astounded.I
didn't know you
did your work
in-house.Then
suddenly realising
how stunnigly
beautiful she was
and fancying my
chances,I asked
what was her
name.She
replied,"Taylor
Swift."


...How does
Meghan Markle
warm up for a
speech?
ME-ME-ME-ME-ME!


I see Phillip
Schofield's advert
is back on T.V
The one where
he demostrates
his ball skills...
...Oh,the irony!


My chinese
girlfriend insists
on using more
and more
vaseline during
anal.It's a
slippery slope.


Paddy,doing a
crossword:
"What's the
plural of
spouse?" Murphy:
"Spice."



...If you get a link
called 'free porn'
don't opin it.
It is a virus wich
deactivates your
spelcheck and fcuks
up you riting.I also
receibed it but lukily
I don't uatch porn so
I dint opin it plaese
warm yu frends.
Wanks.


Ozzie parkinson's
is a bummer for
him,but Sharon
says at least his
foreplay
improved.


So,in the news
OAP.80,boasts
sex with her
Egyptian toyboy
left her feeling
like she'd been
riding a horse.
Well,she's
certainly not in denile.


To the guy who
invented Zero:
Thanks for
nothing!

[Bikkie]

I took an escort
out for a drink
the other night.
It broke down
three times on
the way to the
first pub.


If you are into
cycling then you
are a cyclist,what
makes you an
analyst then?


Hearing voices in
your head isn't
confined to
schizophrenics.
For example! This
bloke stopped me
in the street and
said,"Hey,aren't
you the guy who
I nearly caught
climbing out of
my wife's
bedroom window
last week?" And
the voice in my
head said,"RUN
LIKE FUCK! HE'S
HUGE!"


Did you hear about
the cannibal who
ate an epelptic?
He ended up sitting
on the bog with
the fits.


I remember
when in the good
old days the
hardest thing
about having a
baby was
choosing a name.
Nowadays,it's
choosing a
gender.


Apparently a
nuclear war
between India
and Pakistan
could kil 125
million.Talk
about your classic
win win.


Failed my work's
Drug test.Didn't
want to be a
pharmacist
anyway.


Sex with the wife
has become so
rough and
miserable that
I've actually
started having to
fake my orgasms.
Fortunately,she's
become so fat
that she can't
even look down
and see me
squirting out
these little
mayonnaise
satchets.


W.A.G.S Wealthy
Annoying
Golddiggers
Squabbling.


Man touching a
woman sexually
inappropriately at
work! Report,
claim,court case,
sacking.Woman
touching a man
sexually
inappropriately at
work! "Fucking
yes!"

[Bikkie]

Elton John broke
his E-Reader
during storm
Dennis.He's
bringing out a
tribute record.
Kindle In The
Wind.



Elton John has
been accused of
racism after he
called for an
chinese living in
the uk to be sent
home.He's in
Goodbye Yellow
Prick Mode.



Elton John has lost
all his holiday
footwear due to
the recent storm
so he's written a
new song about it
Sandal In The Wind.



I hear Kevin
Costner has been
to south
wales,with a
view to a
waterworld
sequel.





Susan Boyle
reveals doctor
rubbed her the
right way in
graphic sex life
confession on
Loose Woman' I'd
hate to see
what would
happen if he
rubbed her the
wrong way.


I bought a tiny
lizard off the
internet today.
It's my newt.


"Nothing rhymes
with orange." No
it fucking doesn't.


What do people
that use U instead
of you and M8
instead of mate
do with with all
that precious
time they've
saved?


I'm so into
recycling,climate
change activism
and green
intiatives that I...
washout my
condoms to reuse
and pick up dog
shit with my bare
hands.I'm that
dedicated...I
don't even have a
dog.

[Bikkie]

I won a ticket to
a celebrity
livestock auction
not long ago,
anyway I bought
a lovely little
lamb as a pet for
my daughter.As
I was looking
around with it
under my arm I
couldn't believe I
saw Boris
Johnson talking
to Joaquin
Phoenix,turned
out to be quite
sociable chaps so
I pushed my luck
and asked for a
picture to which
they agreed.I
couldn't believe
it,there I was
clown to the left
of me,joker to
the right,there I
was stuck in the
middle with ewe.


Roses are red so
is my knob
Because I didn't
know That you
were on the blob.


Ancient philosopher
asked themselves, "For
what was man
born to do?"
Modern man can
now soundly
answer "Wait for
women getting
ready,apparently.


When you watch
a music video on
You Tube and it
says: Do you want
to purchase this
from i tunes? It's
the reverse of
marital sex.
You're doing it
and thinking a
prostitute would
work out
cheaper.


My first night as
a prosititute
didn't turn out
great.After
taking our clothes
off I said,"I
should tell you,
it's $100." She
laughed.
"That's quite small."
I said,"I could
make it bigger if
you want?" "A
surgery to could
help."
she replied.

[Bikkie]

"Rapper Dave
calls Boris Johnson
racist in Brit
Awards performance"
If he's so piqued
about Johnson,why
does he perform
in blaceface?


So at the Brits,
Rapper Dave makes
a rap about racism...
Then pays a
tribute to his
nigga friends in
prison...Oh the
irony.


Queen BANS
Prince Harry and
Meghan Markle
from using
lucrative 'Sussex
Royal' brand.
Andrew is also
banned from
using lucrative on
his Kidssex
brand.


I don't
understand jeans
with torn knees
and holes all over
them.I've
already been
poor once,I don't
need to keep
pretending.

[Bikkie]

This year will be the
chinese year of the rat.
Ironic as they're also
currently apreading a
plaque.


The misses hates
it when I wake
up in the morning
with wood.So
she waits until I
go out and plays
with her favourite
toy Buzz.
We need to seriously
have a word about
playing dirty games
with our sons
Toy Story dolls.


I like my women
how I like my
bacon.Hot,with
the fat cut off
and wrapped
around my
sausage.


To all those women
who complain about
there being no decent
men around! Have
you ever considered
that they may be too
smart to invest all
their emotions into
someone who
watches Love Island?


Why don't Muslims
drink single malt
whiskey? They can't
stand anything that's
matured over 10
years.


Gave you noticed that
there are three
football teams with
swear words in their
names Arsenal,
Scunthorpe and
Fucking Man United.

[Bikkie]

When my boss
asked me who is
the stupid one,me
or him? I told
him everyone
knows he doesn't
hie stupid
people.


I threw a
boomerang once
and now I live
constant fear.


It breaks my
heart that pirates
spend their whole
lives followiong a
map,when the
real treasure is
the friendships
they build along
the way.



Boris Johnson saw a
little old lady
struggling with
two shopping bags,
"You shouldn't be
struggling with
those two bags,"
he said,"let me
help." So he
halved her pension
so she could only
afford one in
future.


The french once
tried to make time
metric and even
invented a metric
clock.But to this
day,time remains
thankfully proudly
British.It's
greenwich
meantime G.M.T
not paris
meantime P.M.T


What do Disney
World and viagra
have in common?
They both make
you wait an hour
for just a two
minute ride.

[Bikkie]

So,Steven Spielberg's
daughter becoming a
porn star? I guess
she's currently
working for an
independent studio
called Indie Anal.

At the Docrors:
"Do you drink?"
"Not much,anymore.
I have a couple
watching a match."
"How many matches
would you watch
in a week?
"About 42."


Women are like
hairdryers.They
blow hot and cold.
And men don't
generally need
them.


Quiz question in
music at school,
teacher,"What
was Elvis Presley's
last number one?"
Little Johnny puts
his hand up,
"Please Miss it was
that fucker that
killed him."


My Dad never
gave anyone any
shit.Lovely bloke
rubbish manure
saleman.


The police rang me
today to say
they've recovered
my stolen sofa.
Which I thought
was nice of them.
It was starting to
look a bit scruffy.


I don't know why
there's so much
excitement about
the possibility of
transgender
superheros.We
already have a
Marvel franchise
called X-Men.


What do you call a
night time cleaner
with two birds of
prey on his
shoulders? Hawk
Kestrel man
hoovers in the
dark.


My son looked up
from the menu and
said,"What is beef
dripping?" I said
"That son,is when
you have got a fat
cow,really
horny?"


The ultimate limit
of human endurance
has been worked out
by scientists.Turns
out it's sitting
through the box
set of Mrs Brown's
Boys.


I asked in the
bookshop if they
had the new one
about sexual
innuendo.She said
"I can get it in for
you."


When our family
was on hard times
and I went to
apply for benefits,
my wife insisted
I'd do better if I
dressed properly
for the interview.
And sure enough
she was right.I
nailed it and got
approved with that
turban!

[Bikkie]

Anticipating the bandwagon on
Speilberg's daughter being a porn
star,I thought I'd fuck it up
before it started.. ..Jaws "You
may need a bigger man in a boat"
Herassic park.Super 8 inches.
French letters from Iwo Jima.
E.T eating testicle.Flag poles of our
fathers.Ttansformers.Chicks with dicks.
Who got Rogered with a rabbit?
Back to the fucking 1,2 and 3.
The color purple...the director's
cut bellend.
Twighlight zone..anal special.
Empire of the cum.
Tintin..Yorkshire micro
penises.Duel..cock fighting AI..anal insertion.
Close encounters of the turd kind..Scat.
Raiders of the moist arse.
Ready layer one.
Shaving private Ryan.
The BFG big fucking gash.


One of the seven dwarfs has been
quarantined.
Uh oh! I'll bet he's not
Happy!


My blonde girlfriend thinks Thai
tea is a martial art.



Doctor Doolittle,he talks to the
animals.We can all talk to fucking
animals mate,it's getting them to
talk back that's the hard part.

[Bikkie]

The alphabet of
cunts on the road.
Arsehole in an
Audi Bastard in a
Beamer,Cunt with
a carvan,Dick in
a Disco Ego in an
Evoke,Fuckwit in
a frontrea,Git in a
Golf,Huge Homo
in a Hilux,Isis
members in an
Isuzu,Jerk in a
Juke,Knob in a ka
Lettuce licker in
a leaf,Mong in a
Merc,Nut butter
sniffer in a Nissan
navara,Over here
illegally in an
Opel,Prick in a
Prius/Porsche
Queer in a
gashqai,Ringpeice
in a Rolls,Shithead
in a Smart car,
Taliban in a
Toyota usually
broken down,Uno
Vermin in a Valo,
Wanker in a
white van,
X-human in an x
trail,You old
blind cunt! in a
Yaris,Zillions of
kids in a Zafira.



Last night in bed
with the wife I'm
sorry to say I just
couldn't get it up,
she saw I was
depressed about
it and said,"Don't
beat yourself up,it
happens to all
men." I said,"I
know,that's why
I've trusted you
all these years."


You know what
I've come to
reallise? If I spent
the same amount
of time and
energy on finding
my perfect
girlfiend as I do
searching for the
best porn video
to masturbate to,
I would have a
well better life
right now.

[Bikkie]

My wife complained
that it's been
4 years since I
last acknowledged
her Birthday or
even bothered
to buy her a
present."Tough
luck," I said to
the fat miserable
bitch,who had
the horrible luck
of being born on
February 29th.


"Prince Harry
shares amusing
exchanges with
Jon Bon Jovi" I
can't say I'm
surprised.
They're both
Livin On A Prayer.


Experts now say coronavirus
is now the quickest viral
agent from Asia ever-beating
the previous record holder-Gangnam
sytle.


I'm going to sell
all my John Lennon
memorabilia on
Ebay.....imagine
the paypal.


Feel bad for Sid Owen getting his
teeth knocked out by a golf ball.
His dentist said he had a lot of
cavities and now he's got a
hole in one. ( Ba-dum-tsch )


I can't be bothered
to rub my magic lamp
myself.I think
I'll get a lad in.


AS a surprise,I
got the wife a
stripper for her
Birthday.She
should have the
old lounge
wallpaper off in
no time.


What's the
female version of
a "dick?" A
"flap snap!"


My next door
neighbour has
just bought an
Audi,a Toyota
and 2 BMW's.I
think he's got car
owner virus.


"The definition of
a complete idiot
is making the
exact same
mistake three
times."
Unfortunately,
this was said to
me by the local
priest on the
third accasion he
married me to a
fat woman.


Just arrived
home early from
work and saw
some thieving
bastard that had
been trying to
break into my
house...he
managed to
escape by
hopping over the
nieghbour's
gardens...I'm
proud of my wife
though she must
have put up some
fight because she's
half naked,covered
in sweat and can
hardly walk.


I couldn't get in
to see a doctor,so
I went to the
airport,mentioned
Al Queda,and got a
free x-ray,breast
exam and
colonoscopy.

[Bikkie]

If lawyers are
disbarred and
priests are
defrocked,then:
Electricans are
delighted,corpses
are decrypted,
Cowboys are
deranged,Models
are deposed,
underwear
models are
debriefed,Dry
cleaners are
depressed,
decreased and
depleted,Jilted
women are
debrided HVAC
technicians are
deducted,Tennis
linemen are
defaulted,Florists
are deflowered,
Students are
detested,Hostels
are debunked,
Spies are
debugged and
detailed,
Corporations are
deformed and
delimited,
Cellbate people
are delayed,
Chauffeurs are
derided,Record
keepers are
described,
Plumbers are
dethroned,Clerks
are defiled,Traffic
cops are defined,
Naturists are
denuded,Election
officials are
devoted,
Accountants are
decentified,
Builders are
deconstructed,
Confused people
are demystified,
Intelligence
officials are
declassified,
Interpretars for
the deaf are
designed,Road
builders are
degraded,Waiters
are deserved,
Horses put out to
stud are desired,
Castles are
demoted,Organ
donors are
delivered,
Anything certain
is depending.And
if you found this
funny,you're
probably
demented,defective
and in denial.


I asked my young
son what he was
doing when I
caught him with
his cock in a
bottle of merlot,
making weird
noises earlier."I'm
practising to
be a professional
footballer dad."
he said "Oh
Yeah," I replied.
"Yeah," he said
"You told me
that's all
footballers
do-fucking
whine and moan."


"Before I came to
Thailand,I said I
wouldn't go with
a prostitute
but....your eyes
and smiles-and
the fact you're
sisters.What are
your names?"
"Lure You In and
Ree Lem In."


"Roger Waters
shows support for
Julian Assange
ahead of London
rally." All in all,
Assange will,not
get over the wall.

[Bikkie]

I was in Glasgow
last week and I
passed a sign that
said,:battered
women;s centre." I
thought,Fuck me,
these people will
deep fry anything.


I bought my
obsessive/compulsive
mate a picture of the
Leaning Tower Of Pisa
for his birthday.He's
nuts trying to
hang it straight.


I used to be very
naive sexually.
My first girlfriend
asked me to do
missionary and I
fucked off to
Africa for six
months.


I enjoy a walk
through the
graveyard early
morning with my
dogs and I have
to say how I
laughed when I
read the epitaph
on a new
headstone,"I
wouldn't be
where I am today
if it wasn't for
my wife."


"Oh God"
shouted my
daughter,"You're
so deep inside
me,I can feel
you filling me
up." I don't know
why I argued
with my wife
about going to
watch her at
sunday school.



A woman came
up to me at the
All England
Tennis club and
asked how many
courts they had.
"30 Love" I
replied.


What's the
difference
between an angry
man and a gay
arab?...one's
shaking a fist....


If anyone ever
figures out how
to get an alexa
into a blow up doll
humanity is
finished.


A mate of mine
believes that the
Earth is flat.I
challenged him to
prove it by
walking off the
edge...He
eventually came
around.


Proved my fat
missus is a liar,
suggested the
lardy arse tries
weight watches.
She went to the
website and I saw
her click "No"
when they asked
if she accepted
cookies.Liar,I've
seen the big
lump eat a whole
packet during
Eastenders.

[Bikkie]

Aston Villa 1 man city 2 HT.
It's not over till the fat
lady sings.
I didn't know Gemma Collins
was booked to sing?


I walked past a door,
looked in and saw
ballons,cake,candles
and a swastika."Oh,
that must be the Nazi
party."


Whilst Fred Astaire
danced down the
steps,his brother
Stan just slowly
carried an old woman
up them....


Looks like Sinead
O'conner is going to
have a number 1.I've
just seen her going
into the barbers.


My missus wasn't so
well so I offered to
go to the Kmart for
her."Awe,that's so
sweet of you" she
said,"make sure you
get yourself a nice
treat while you're
there." So I'm
shagging wendy with
the big tits on
checkout thirteen as
soon as she gets off.


If I bought a boat I
would name it"For
sail."


My niece was
always desperate
to meet a man
who would sweep
her off her feet.
This norning she
met one,the
council are still
trying to remove


Great new book by
an African
feminist "Penis
Envy" by Aye
Wishal-Hedwon.


Being a footballers
wife must be
difficult when he
says,"It's a difficult
place to come."
But he's not
talking about an
away game.

[Bikkie]

Do you think level 42
were listening to u2
and UB40 when they
thought up their
name.


There's international
women's day,international
men's day,pride month
and sausage week.
Why don't they
synchronise them
and let everyone
know where they
stand?


Girls with black
boyfriends all
you're doing is
telling the world
you're got a cunt
like a bucket.


Do cannibals have
to be careful not
to bite the hand
that feeds them?


My wife saw me
eyeing up a couple
of girls in
miniskirts,and
snapped,"I'm the
bird in the hand
that's worth two in
the bush." I
thought,"can't
argue that's she's
definitely a
burden."


Canape 1.A type
of horsd'oeurre.
2.What a
scotsman says
when he has no
money.


They say it's all in
a name,Bob Diamond
and Fred Goodwin have
names that ooze
success and weatlh
and were famous
bankers and Bernie
Madoff nicked all
the cash..And if
you wanted to sell
poetry you
could have a
better name than
Bill wordsworth.


The term hijack
derives from
someone on board
recognising the
offender.


Just had a dealer
try to sell me a
piece of stone he
said was from
Ireland an kissed
by ST Patrick.
When I looked
underneath it said
'Made in china.'
Obviously a sham
rock.


SEX Now I've got
your attention sex
between two
people is called a
twosome sex
between three
people is a
threesome.
Unfortunately I
now know why
people call me
handsome!


I was walking
around the hospital
yesterday looking
to visit my Nanna
in the daycare
centre when I
noticed a big sign.
Stroke Patients
Here.I never did
get to visit my
nanna,thanks to
hospital security.

[Bikkie]

So I was in the chemist
and I said to the assistant,
"What gets rid of Coronavirus?"
she said,"Ammonia Cleaner."
I said,"Oh sorry,I thought
you worked here."


The world Health Organistion
is telling everyone to wash
their hands throughly to
avoid Covit-19 comtamination.
I think Def Leppard should
start looking for a new
drummer.


I see the coronavirus
has hit the Seven Dwarfs.
Doc had to put sneezy
down.



The companies who make
sanitising gel must
be rubbing their hands
together.


Coronavirus: Iran temporarily
frees 54,000 prisoners to
combat spread.
The very definition of
optimism I'd say.


Bond movie "No Time To Die"
has been postponed due to
the coronavitus.Just change the
title to less sensitive like
"Quaratine Of Solace"..."A Flu
To A Kill"...suggestions welcome...


TIP OF THE DAY: Fed up of
waiting in long queues?
want to reduce the amount
of time you waste waiting
to be served? cough loudly and say
"It's got progressively
worse since I got back
from china."


Invented this new board game
around figuring out which
chink has spread the virus.
Fludo.


My wife has just returned
from northern Italy.
What a fortnight I've
got planned.


President Trump said
that he hasn't touched
his face in weeks
as a safety precaution
amid the coronavirus
outbreak.
Big deal. You haven't
touched reality for
years.


Experts are confident
that washing our hands
regularaly will combat
coronavirus but say
they are expecting
an out break of
OCD.

What travels at one hundred
miles and hour and has
people running for their lives?
A sneeze.

[Bikkie]

Did you know....way
back in the sixtees...Michael
Caine...Jim Morrison...Ray
Manzarek...Robby Krieger and
John Desmore were sitting
in a brothel...and whole
and behold...this young
prosititute trolloped
in...whipped out Michael
Caines little solider...popped
it in her mouth...and started
to give it a good suck...and
Michael said,"You were ment
to blow the bloody
Doors off."


Bruce Springsteen and
Herve Villechase used
to have a carpentary
businesss..and one
day..out on a job...Bruce
was trying to fix a
door...and Bruce was
being the thick cunt
he is said to Herve,
"I'll be fucked if I
know how to make this
door shorter," and
Herve replied,"The plain
Boss the plain...the plain."

[Bikkie]

A documentary is to be
made about Tom Hanks
self-isolating Whilst
wearing a protective
rubber suit.
Forrest Gimp is
released on monday.


Coronavirus? No.T Hanks.


Life is like a box of
chocolates.You never
know what you're
gonna get.Fucking
corona virus.


Tom Hanks won an oscar
for playing a man with
AIDS in the
film philadephia.
Now he has contracted
coronavirus,he's
taking method acting
to a whole new
fucking level.


Instead of calling them
flu masks,we should call
them coughy filters.


The irony is that those
who are panic buying
toilet rolls should already
have been wiped out by
natural selection.


I'm getting some very hostile
looks walking down this
street in china in my
Batman costume.


Apparently singing Happy Birthday
twice while washing your hands
is long enough to ensure
they are properly clean.
Sounds a bit excessive.I've
been singing
Stevie Wonder for over
10 minutes now.


Paddy goes to the toilet
at work but doesn't return
for about 20 minutes.
"Where have you been all
this time?"
asked his boss."Washing
my hands,I forgot the
words to Happy Birthday
so sang Bohmermian Rhapsody
twice" he replied.



Men who self-isolate are
developing strange new
symptons...Mainly,sore
cocks and aching wrists.



Just been at the post office
and two guys came in wearing
masks TOTAL PANIC!!!!
Then they said,"this is
a robbery" and we all
calmed down.



Never thought I'd live to
see the day when using
the term "Asswipe" is
showing someone affection.



The Ku Klux Klan.Well
worth joining in order
to discover what brilliant
soap powder they use.



I told a genie I wanted to
be hung like a horse.
Next thing I knew I was at
a Spanish Fiesta.



I've become a member of a
Beatles themed S&M/swinger/voyeur
club in Liverpool and I'm going
to my first event tonight.
Imagine all the peep holes.

[Bikkie]

...In Norfolk the farmer next
door came out and said,"I'd
like you to meet my wife and
sister." And there was just
the one woman standing there.

( the late GREAT Bob Monkhouse )



When we went on holiday to kenya,we
couldn't believe it when we saw
those tribal women with enormous
plates in their lips.
I asked one of them,"Doesn't
that hurt or make eating difficult?"
she replied,"Shmsh thids rusgh
grffshugguh midgh druffs
thif"...


A study claims the filthiest
location in a typical home
isn't the kitchen floor,the
bin,or even the toilet seat.
It's actually the
hard drive.


"Well have to go back,I've
forgotten my tablets."
"For goodness sake,Mosses".


"Do you have any plans for
the weekend?" asked the
checkout girl.
"I'm off on holiday to spain"
I said. ( brief silence ) "Do
you need any help with your
packing?" she asked."That's
very good of you but the
wife's doing it as we speak."
I said.


Steppenwolf was an assumed
name.He was born
Toby Wild.


I lent my mate $10,000 so
he could have cosmetic surgery.
Now I don't know what the cunt
looks like,I can't get my
money back.

[Bikkie]

Ladies James Bond might
fill your heart with joy.
But Uni Bond fills your
crack.


It's a lot of rubbish
when they talk about
"How good" modern kids
are these days with
technology.My
grandson is staying
for the weekend,and
he looks absolutely
clueless with my
VCR and VHS tapes.


Onca again my
wife has been a
complete cunt and
left so little
petrol in the car
that I only get as
far as the pub.
It's enough to drive
you to drink.


Ladies if you want
to drive your man
wild in the
bedroom just say
this one word.
No.


My girlfriend said she
can't attend next
weeks sexual
innuendo senior,so
I guess I'll have
to fill her slot
instead.


"Hi love,I've
arrived at the
hotel,knackered
but it's great."
"Oh,that's
lovely.What are
you going to do
first?" "Leave the
toilet seat up."

[Bikkie]

My girlfriends a cheeky bitch
I said do you want to go out?
No I fucking don't if I
wanted to get fucked by
something small and microscopic
I would stay in and have sex
with you.


Are workers at hand sanitiser
toilet roll manufacturing
companies being sent home?


NEWS: Miley Cyrus cancel tour
due to coronavirus.
why not just proceed as
planned and call it the
Coronacyrus tour?


PUBLIC SERVICE
ANNOUNEMENT: Coronavirus
origin traced-IT WAS CREATED
BY WOMEN.Think about it,lads...
1-Sport postponed for months
2-Advised against going to the pub
3-Don't leave the house for
a fortnight ( so you can finally
get those odd jobs done )
4-Symptons are flu-like ( THEY
KNOW THAT'S OUR KRYPTONITE )
5-They even had the audacity
to name it afer a
beer!


This stupid panic buying is
ridiculous! I've just paid
$15 for oxo cubes!! The stock
markets gone crazy!

[Bikkie]

"you attract what
you fear most"
oh my goodness I'm
ao scared of $ 10 billion
and a bunch of
supermodels.


My dad always
used to say "A
bird in the hand
is worth 2 in the
bush"
Great dad but shit
porn director.


My nephew told
me he'd had
biology today and
he came first.
"Well done,was
it some sort of
test?" I asked
"No,it was a
video on sexual
intercourse,and
like I said I came
first."


I recently went
to see an all
female u2 tribute
band. They were called
MeeToo.


Yesterday I went
to see a psychic.
I knocked on her
front door.She
yelled: "Who is
it?" So I left...


Although blondes
do have more fun
it's important to
remember that
they also have
more VD.


"Woman,24
gets mistaken for
husbands carer" I
gather she isn't
the first
billionairers wife
that has
happened to.


Just met a blind
prostitute.Bloody
hell,you've got
to hand it to
her.


I think the
phrases people of
colour or person
of colour are too
easily misjudged.
On forms,or face
to face,it would
be much clearer
if the question is: Are
you a person
of crime?


My boss told me,
"Dress for the job
you want,not for
the job you have."
Now I'm sitting in
a disciplinary
meeting in a white
gown and a KKK
pillow over my
head :(


I don't think I got
the part as a
cocaine dealer in
my TV show
audition.I went in
there and totally
fucked my
lines.


If light travels
faster then the
speed of sound.
How come I can
hear the cunt in
the BMW behind
me blast his horn
before the lights
turn green?


Before the
internet,people
had to walk miles
just to call me
a cunt.


Just had an
argument with
the manager of
McDonald's.What
a clown.


Two chimps in a
bath,one says,
"Oo ooh,aah
aah,eeh eeh,ooh
ooh." The other
one says,"Well
put some fucking
cold in then you
daft cunt."


Gender reveal
party: A
celebration where
family,guests
and expecting
parents gather
together to
reveal the sex of
the baby.If only
I had Googled
this before
turning up at my
bosses house with
a bottle of wine
and my cocxk out.


If you get lost in
the desert be
carefull of an oasis
mirage,if they
are playing "Don't
Look Back In
Anger" it's
definitely not a
mirage and you
need to head
toward the hot
sun and face a
less painful
death.

[Bikkie]

I was having an
argument with my
mate Dave in the
pub about which
British based male
singer had the
most distinctive
voice,he decided
to start canvasing
other customers in
the pub: The first
person he asked
said,"Definitely
George Michael...or
perhaps Elton
John?" The next
person he asked
said,"It's bound to
be Freddie Mercury...
or perhaps will
Young?" He asked
another person,they
said,"It's got
to be Marc Almond...
or is it Boy
George?" One old
timer said George
Melly...no wait,it
might be Michael
Ball?" The last
person he asked
said,"Probably
Jimmy Somerville...
or maybe Holly
Johnson?" Dave
was getting really
frustrated by this
point and snapped
"For fucks sake,can't
anyone give me a
straight answer?"


I stained an old
garden bench
today fucking
vindaloo goes right
through me.


Tony the Granellis
italian icecream
salesman used to
be a big hit with
the ladies round
my parish.
Nowadays the man
that used to make
passionate love to
the girls morning,
noon and night has
erectile dysfunction.
He now works for
Mr Softee.

[Bikkie]

Come on everyone,lets work
together as a community:But
only after we finish fighting
for groceries,swearing at cashiers
for lack of stock and taking
bags worth of stuff home for
profiteering purposes.


I have dusted off my old ghetto
blaster.When I go outside I take it
with me and blast out of full
volume,"Don't Stand So Close To
Me" by "The Police."


Day 6 of isolation-Anyone
want to play solitaire with
me?


"Darling...fancy putting on a
nurses uniform?" "Ooh,cheeky
boy...you feeling horny?"
"Nah...we're run out of bread!"


I got a text from my boss earlier
"Don't come into work tomorrow"
"Why not?" I asked."Jacinda Ardern
has declared a national lockdown
because of the coronavirus"
"Thank fuck for that! For minute
there I thought you'd had a look
at my browsing history."


I walked into a pub and it was
completely empty apart from the
barman."Wow,people are
listening and staying away from
the pub." I said,"No not really,"
replied the barman,"This is a
Sam Smith pub it's always
like this."


Some bars in scotland defied the
ban and stayed open.In other
news,the pope is catholic,mice
like cheese and bears have been
known to shit in the
woods.


Went out for a walk in the sunshine
today nd every other fucker was out
as well.Didn't you get the
message??? STAY AT HOME YOU
CUNTS!!!


Corona-nation street starts on ITV
tonight.It's a soap,so should be
effective agsinst germs.


Tip: If you have road rage with an
arshole who you eventually
discover is built like a brick
shithouse.Park in the nearest
avaliable disabled space.

[Bikkie]

My girlfriend said
she wanted our first
sexual experience
together to be like
a fairytale.So I
invited seven
midgets to join in.


Introduced myself
to the new pahi
guy at work
earlier.I asked
"How you doing
mate,what's your
name?" "Amin
Ahmood" I
said..."No worries
mate you can tell
me later."


If a couple have
sex behind a
locked door in a
public toilet,does
that mean they're
officially
'engaged'?


"Why can't I find a
good man who
won't lie and
cheat?" Because
those men are
with decent
women without a
sense of
entitlement love.


Internet dating-the
odds are good
but the goods are
odd.


My wife has just
told me that she
has had a new set
of bottom teeth
fitted.For fucks
sake,I guess my
anal days are over
then.


I dropped an egg
onto a concrete
floor and it didn't
break'This is
probably because
concrete floors
are really hard.


A man says to
the receptionist
"When I donate
blood,I do not
extract it myself,a
nurse does it
for me." The
receptionist
replied,"Yes sir,but
this is a
sperm bank,and
it doesn't work
that way.


My wife used to
work as a
magician's
assistant years
ago I think she
has picked up a
few tricks.I came
home from work
early today and
she was in the
bedroom.She
said,"Abracadabra!
and my mate
Dave,came out
of the wardrobe,stark
naked.Poor bastard
must have wondered
what the fuck
was going on....


"you're two hours late!"
shouted my furious boss.
"Sorry," I said "Lady
bus driver." "Don't tell
me she drove that slow."
"Nope,I
walked instead."
I replied.

[Bikkie]

I ordered a chinese,a wee
chinese driver comes
to the door and I walked
out to meet him.The
cunt started shouting
"Isolate.isolate."
I said,"Mate you're
not that late.I only
ordered 10 minutes
ago."



Whoever said one person
can't change the world
never ate an undercooked
bat.



Single woman with hand
sanitizer would like
to meet a single man
with toilet rolls for
good clean fun.



Let's take a moment to
think of Philip Schofield.
The poor bugger only came
out and now he's being
told he's got to
stay in.



Thunderbirds 2020
"Go and fetch the Rolls Parker".
"Do you want the kiwi soft
or the cotton soft brand
Milady?"



I've been stockpiling
music CD's to keep
me going during the
lockdown.
So far I have Bread,Korn.
some Jam,Meatloaf and
plenty of Lou Rawls.


Paddys in a rocket
with Murphy.
Murphy said,"D'You
know Paddy if we kept
going in the rocket
we'd go to infinity."
Paddy said,"Infinity?
Where in Ireland is
that?"


Paddys wife: "Why
do you always come
home half drunk?"
Paddy: "Because I run
out of money."



Paddy goes on Mastermind and says
his specialist subject is the western
series Bonanza. John Humphreys
says,"You can't have that Paddy.
You have to pick something like
science or religion." "Ok", says
Paddy,I'll have religion." 1st
question."Who was the first man
on earth?" Paddy thinks and says
"Hoss Cartwright." Humphreys replies
"No it was Adam," Paddy replies
"Well I knew it was one of the
feckin Cartwrights."

( If you're under 50 don't bother thinking about it )

[Bikkie]

They said gloves and a mask
would be sufficient to go
to the supermarket.
They lied,everyone else
had clothes on.


Well poor Prince Charles has
tested positive for COVID-19.
Sorry Charles but you would
insist on shagging an old bat.


My electric fan has contracted
coronavirus.
It's currently self- oscillating.




Some dirty chink caused this coronavirus
outbreak because he couldn't resist
a bowl of bat soup.
Some coon in Africa caused AIDS because
he couldn't resist fucking a monkey.
Goodness knows what's going to come
out of Austraila when those dirty
cunts are self-isolating
with their sheep.



Two guys in a health club,one
is putting on lace knickers.
"Since when do you wear womens
pants?"
"Since my wife found them in
the glove compartment.



Two niggers are walking down
the street and see a sign
that says,'turn white for $75'
Nigger 1: "Do you think it will work?"
Nigger 2: "Only one way to find out."
Nigger 1: "I only have $50.
Nigger 2:"Well,I have $100.I'll
go do it then give you my change."
Nigger 1:"Let's do it then."
Nigger 2: Goes in and fifteen
minutes later comes out white
as a ghost,wearing a brand new
suit carrying a briefcase.
Nigger 1:"Let me get that $25"
Nigger 2:"Fuck you,nigger.
Get a job."



Find a penny,
pick it up.
And all day long
"You'll have good luck"#
#Advice not valid in prison showers.


My big sister has just disappeared
in her bedroom with her best friend
and closed the door.
They seem to have really nasty
colds.I keep hearing them
on the verge
of sneezing.

[Bikkie]

Famous last words:

"I'd love to be fucked in the bathroom".
( Reeva Steenkamp )

"Nah,let me stick it in there,this aids
stuff is just nonsense".
( Freddie Mercury )

"Is a tenner for a blowjob alright Mr Sutcliffe?"
( Yorkshire prostitute )

"I'm doing a shit."
( Elivs Presley )

"Forecast is very hot today."
( Mayor of Hiroshima, )

"Fuck it it,it's a nice day,let's take the convertible."
(J.F Kennedy )

"I'm from Liverpool mate,do you think a gun scares me?"
( John Lennon )

"Nah,he's a bit of a twat is phillip,but he wouldn't murder us."
( Princess Diana )


"Fuck me,this skiing is a piece of piss."
(Michael Schumacher or Sonny Bono )

A late addition "AAAARGH I'VE BEEN SWILLED IN
THE FACE WITH ACID AND THEN I WAS GLASSED WITH
THE JAR IT WAS IN"
( Nappy Sniffer )

[Bikkie]

Kate Moss meets Matt
LeBlanc at a party.
"Hi,I'm Kate Moss and
I'm a model.What do
you do?" "Top Gear"
says LeBlanc,"Great"
says Moss "I'll have a
couple of lines
thanks."



If women think all
men are the same,why
do they take so
long to choose
one?



I was at this girls
house waiting for her
to get ready but she
was constantly fucking
around with her ipad,
iphone and ipod.
"Sorry,I have to set
all those before I go
out,I love my
gadgets."What's your
favourite Apple
product?" she asked.
"Cider," I replied.



Glasgow which means
they're incredibly
hard,but I was never
smacked as a child,
well maybe one or
two grams to get me
to sleep at night.



(-!-) a regular arse
(-!- ) a fat arse
(!) a tight arse
(-#-) a sore arse
(-0-) an arse that's been around
(-X-) leave my arse alone
(-x-) kiss my arse
(-zzz-) a tired arse
(-E=M2-) a smart arse



I've nicknamed my
girlfriend Firefox
because she's
so fucking unresponsive
every time I try and
turn her on.





What's the difference
between a dog and a fox?
About six beers.

[Bikkie]

Due to the current financial
situation caused by the coronavirus
and the slow down of the
economy,the Goverment has
decided to implement the following
schemes to help improve future
employment and therefore
stimulate the economy.Workers of
50 years of age or more will be
forced into retirement.This
scheme will be known as RAPE
( Rertire Aged Persons Early ). Those
selected to be RAPED can apply for
the SHAFT benefits.( Special Help
After Forced Termination ) Those
chosen to be RAPED or SHAFTED
will be reviewed under the SCREW
programme.( System Covering
Retired Early Workers ).A person
can only be RAPED once,SHAFTED
twice,but can be SCREWED as
many times as the Goverment
sees fit.Those that get RAPED can
get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouses ) or HERPES
( Half Earnings for Retired Early
Severence ).



I'm loving this lockdown
This week I've had no work,a
steak lunch each day,sex in
four different rooms and I've
been pissed every night.
And to think I could've been stuck
at home with the wife instead
of the pub.



I've just started an online heavy
metal band.
We're called System Of The Lockdown.



Almost 2 weeks in quaratine and
everything was fine until today.
The wife decided to start speaking to me
again.



To my knowledge
there has been only
Eleven times in
history where the F
word has been
consided acceptable
for use.
11: What the fuck do you mean we are sinking?

( Captin E.J Smith of RMS Titanic )

10: What the fuck was that?
( Mayor of Hiroshima 1945 )

9: Where did all those fucking Indians come from?

( Custer 1877 )

8: Any fucking idiot could understand that.
( Einstein,1938

7: It does fucking look like her!
( Picasso,1926 )

6: How the fuck did you work that out?
( Pythagoras,126 BC )

5: You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?
( Michelangelo,1566 )

4: Scattered fucking showers,my arse!
( Noah,4314 BC )

3: AW,c'mon.who the fuck is going to find out?
( Bill Clinton,1999 )

2: Geez,I didn't think they'd get this fucking mad.
( Saddam Hussein 2003 )

1: Must get that fucking handrail fixed
( Robert Maxwell 1991 )

[Bikkie]

"Please,take a
seat.Thank you
for your
application to
work within this
company.Firstly,
are you
ambitious,do you
use initiative,and
can you work as a
team member?"
"Yes,absolutely."
"Excellent.
Secondly,can you
perform under
pressure?" "Not
too sure,but I'll
have a go at
Bohemian Rhapsody
if you like."



Paddy and Murphy
are catching up
over a few whiskeys,
Paddy says,"Me
youngest is
waiting for his
exams to come
back,if he's
passed he's to go
to university in
Dublin to learn
how to become a
cartographer."
Murphy remarks
"He won't make
much of a living
Paddy,no-one
around dese parts
drives dem
anymore."



I was in the toilet
having a piss and
all of a sudden
my cock grew to
12 inches.I
thought,"Fuck
me,that jammy
bitch of a wife of
mine has found a
magic lamp.



I handed my wife
a brand new pair
of black stockings.
She winked and said,
"Shall I go up
stairs?" I said,
"No get your coat on
We're off to rob a
petrol station."



As I stared out of
the window this
morning I said to
the wife:"Oh my
Goodness,look at it
it's so grey and
miserable." "Stop
being a cunt" she
replied,"just go
and let my
mother in."



If we're having
sex....Don't tell
me,"deeper" If I
could go deeper I
would! You don't
hear me saying
"tighter."



Of course I
understand farmers.
My dad was a
pharmacist.



I eat pussy
like I smoke my
cigarettes....All
the way to the
butt!



My wife asked
me what I
wanted for my
birthday coming
up,and I jokingly
said,"A Lamborghin."
A few days later I
came home and
was greeted by
the horrible
odour of pungent
meat,and my
wife said,"Sorry
I looked everywhere
but couldn't find what
you wanted,so I
hope a lamb bhuna
is ok."

I was having a
threesome with a
Jewish couple
the other night,
halfway throuh
the Jewish bloke
says..."Ow
switch."



Demanding that
people respect
your religious
beliefs is a bit
like demanding
that people
respect your
crystal meth
habit.



I've got a habit
of quoting Elton
John lyrics.I
hope you don't
mind.I hope you
don't mind.



I've just seen a guy
in a cape and sombrero
buying a case of Corona
beer.
Hispanic buying.

[Bikkie]

I was watching pornhub when
my wife suddenly flung open
the front door and came in.
Quick as a flash before
she saw,I hit the remote
and changed the TV to
Animal Planet.
Somehow I made it much
worse for myself when
she saw me with my trousers
down and full erection
to two elephants having
sex.



Will Smith
Will.I.Am and
Prince William all
met in the street
to have a huge
fight.Not much
happened though.
It was more a
battle of wills.



I was at the
doctors today
when he
suddenly started
getting all
annoyed at his
computer.
I said chuckling,"What's
up doc has it got
a virus?" He replied,
"No you have and I
can't spell."


This year will be
the chinese year
of the rat.Ironic
as they're also
spreading the
plaque.


I've often
wondered if porn
stars look the
same in real life
as they do in films.
I've never come
across one in real
life though.



Mexican standoff
I thought that was
the queue for the
100 at a taco shop.


It's a little known
fact that the Last
Of The Mohicans
reinvented as a
scotsman.He
became known as
Hawkeye The
New.



I sleep better
naked.I just wish
the passengers
on this bus were
a bit more
understanding.

[Bikkie]

My wife left me
for someone that
is half the man
that I am.
I can't believe
the fat bitch was
cheating on me
with a midget
bloke.



Just got my
haircut by a racist
barber.He owns
that salon on the
High street-The
Krew Kuts Klan.



I love the way
my nine year old
son is preparing
for adulthood and
it's pitfalls.He
spent all his
pocket money on
a dolls house and
gave it to his
little girlfriend
next door saying,
"Here you might
as well have a
house now instead
of taking one off
me in twenty years. '



Sex without love is
an empty experence.
But as empty experences
go it's one of the best.



I've just download the
whole koran onto a
USB stick.If any
Muslims are interested,Ill
burn them a copy.



Most gay men will
attend a pride
festival at some
point in their lives.
These fellas really
stick up of one
another.



The new film 'Cat's
is remarkably
true to life: You
want to throw a
bucket of water
on the set of
cunts.



Before buying my
new parrot I
took advice from
Quinten Crisp.He
loves a cockatoo.



If you're up for a
shag and your
woman's got
diarrhea
remember what
Bulleye taught
us;Aim for the
pink if you're
giving her wood
pierce the brown
and get covered
in mud.



If Ronnie and
Reggie Kray had
been born in
today's time,I
doubt if they
would of been so
feared when
puffing away on
their Blueberry
Muffin flavoured
vapes?




If quizzes are
quizical,then
what are tests?



Has anybody else
tried watching
the video by
Pentatonix,"can
you feel the
love,without
staring at her tits
for 4.32 minutes
and 52 milliseconds.



I told the barman
at my local that
he could borrow
my sex doll any
time he wanted.
"Eugh! That's
disgusting!" He
exclaimed.
"Yeah," I said,
"but you were
pretty quick to
jump on my
ex-girlfriend
weren't you?"

[Bikkie]

Meatloaf's
surname is Aday.
Why the fuck is
he named after
an American
diet?


I asked a local
Austrailian farmer,
"Are the sheep
kindly reared?"
He replied,"Sure
I always use plenty
of lube."



Last night I took
our family to this
haunted house.
We went in and
there was this
creepy organ
playing and I
said,"Listen to
that,that's the
March Of The
Dammed!" "No
it's not" hissed
my wife,"That's
the Bridal March!"



Just seen an
aerial photo of
Leeny Henry
shagging Dawn
French.I'll never
eat a hotdog
again.



I was helping my
friend move
house and I went
to pick up his
television.I
found a note
taped to the
surface underneath
it saying,"Put it
back nigger."



I wanted to be a
lumberjack but I
couldn't hack it.
So I worked in a
orange juice
factory but I
couldn't concentrate.
So I studied to
become a doctor
but I didn't have
the patience.So I
became a tailor
but the job never
suited me.So I
worked in a shoe
shop but I
couldn't fit in.So
I became a chef
but I never had
the thyme but
wanted to be a
wanker but
couldn't pull it
off.



I've joined a
drama group and
the tutor asked
could I improvise
and act out as a
black youth.I
said,"Dunno,but
I'll take a stab a
it."



I said to my mate
"Oh what are
those things in
shops that snatch
the notes out
your hand called,I
think they begin with s"
He said "Self service
checkout?"
I said,"Nah that's
not it but I
remember now,it's
stroppy fucking
Indians."



According to reports,a
total of 337 people in
38 countries have
been arrested in an
international operation
targeting paedophiles on
one of the worlds
largest dark web
child porn networks.
I thought this site
had gone a bit
fucking quiet....



The brain is an
organ that is
capable of a
billion
calculations per
second and
complex cognitive
processes
including self-control,
planning,reasoning,
perception,
decision-making,
abstract thought
and other emergent
qualities...And
the majority of
the population
use it to follow
religion,watch
reality TV and be
offended by everything.
It's no surprise we
are destroying
our climates ability
to support us.

[Bikkie]

When I see a baby
on board sticker,I
think what's the
point...Those signs
don't add to the
protection or saftey
of the child on board,
it's just the smug person
driving,letting you know
that he/she has managed
to complete one of the
animal kingdoms most
basic requirements and
pretty much the reason
we exist...I just
think "Wow fucking
brilliant!
Some moron has managed
to pass on it's genes
and infect the earth
with it's drooling
offspring."
They may as well put
up a sign in the window
that says, I can eat,shit
and shag but I can't
drive a car so fucking
watch out.



If Cher turned Muslim,her
first release would be,The
sheep sheep song.



Bono's wife sticks
a banana and whipped
cream up her minge
during a period.
He calls it a
sundae,bloody
sundae.



I'm the best Assistant
DJ in the entire world.
In fact,I hold the
record.



Teacher: "Johnny,can
you tell me the name
of 3 great kings
who have brought
happiness and peace
into people's lives?"
Little Johnny: "Drin-king,
Smo-king and fuc-king...Miss."



Baby crying on a plane.Guy
beside me,"Can there be
anything more annoying
than a baby crying on
a plane?" Me: pulling out a
kazoo,"Lets find
out."



My mate is a DJ in
the local deaf club.
They call him,'DJ Techno
Notice.'



Don't you love it
when you curl out
a massive shit and
it touches the
water before it
breaks off?
Well I had one
this morning.
And now I'm banned
from the diving
boards.



Wanna make a car
dealer really
uncomfortable?
Just say,"Tell me
if you can hear
this." Then
get in the boot
and start screaming.


A bloke goes into a
library and asks the
library assistant,"Have
you got a book about
mirco penises?" She
replies,"Let me see
if it's in" He said,"Yes
that's the one."



I took my my wife out
to dinner on our
anniversary.
"Order me something
that reminds you of
the first time you
made love to me."
she cooed.So I
ordered the fish
pie.

[Bikkie]

I was thinking of
having a BBQ earlier so
I invited all the
neighbours in my
street.
There's a lot of
ethnic minorities but
I'm not one to
discriminate,so I
delegated a few jobs
to help them get
talking.I asked the
gay couple to just
bring some meat.
For the voyeurist next
door I just drilled a
few holes in the fence.
I gave the Muslims
some ballons to blow
up.I let the
schizophrenic get the
gas BBQ going.The
self harmer from
number 12 sorted out
the cutlery.
Obvisously the black
family just helped
themselves.
There were a couple
of dyslexics there
so I gave them B+Q
saws instead of BBQ
sauce.Some old guy
I'd never met before
turned up and kindly
offered to look after
all the kids.
Had a crack head washing
up.And a guy with OCD
tided the whole house
when it was finished.



On our first anniversary my
wife cuddled up to me after
a night of intimacy and
said,"Tell me honestly,how
many women have you been to
bed with in your time?"
I thought that she deserved
honesty after a year of marriage.
So I replied."Well,there was
Sharon,and Betty,and Jane,and
Tresa,oh,and Felcity...and
then of course there was you."
"Ah", she sighed.
That's not too bad." "And
then there was Tracey and
Amanda,and Evelyn and...



I walked up to a girl
in a bar and said,"you
look like somebody who
has a boring sex life.
My mission tonight is
to get you drunk,take
you back to my house
and give you the best
shag ever."
She said,"My boyfriend
is right behind you."
"Good I'm glad I've
got his support."



I didn't realise
removing my doorbell
would have such a
knock on effect.


Life without women
would be a pain
in the arse.

[Bikkie]

I just bought one of
those low energy light
fittings from Bunnings.
The assistant asked,"Will
you be putting this up
yourself?"
I said,"No it's gonig
in the lounge."



Why don't gays
work in construction?
Because everytime
they build a manhole,they
fight over who gets to
enter it first.



Employee: "Boss we need
to stop testing our
products on animals."
Boss: "Why...hand
lotion manufactures
do it all the time?"
Employee: "Yes they
do boss,but we
make dildos."



We had a test at medical
school,on premature
ejaculation.
I came first.



I'm doing well in
the final of the
sexual Innuendo
championships...I
just need to ram
home my stiff
advantage,then I
should come
first...!



My wife said I
needed to get
more in touch
with my feminine
side...so I
crashed the car,
burnt the dinner
and completely
ignored her all
night for no
fucking reason...



Two blokes chatting in
hospital first bloke
says,"I'm in for an
endoscopy,they are
going to see what's
going on down my throat,
what are you in for?"
Second bloke says,"oh
camera up the arse."
The other bloke says,
"Colonoscopy it's
called." The other
bloke replies,"Nah
mate camera up the
arse,the wife
caught me taking pictures
of the neighbours tits."




Seeing a lot of stuff
about how impossible it
would have been for
Jesus to find twelve
blokes with English
names in the middle
East.Piece of piss,just
try finding twelve blokes
with English names in
Bradford.



What did Russel Crowe
do when a cannibal ate
his ex-wife?
Nothing he was
gladiator.



My wife said I
need a break,"Do
you fancy wales
for a week?" I said
"No thanks,but I
wouldn't mind a
couple of slim
busty lesbians."



I was watching some
scottish porn earlier
and it was pretty good.
They had to give up
on the anal scene in
the end as the guy
couldn't get it up
as her arse was really
tight.And there was me
thinking that was just
racial sterotyping.




In history I was
learning about
Galileo.I already
knew that he was
a poor boy,from a
poor family.



Apparently the
small bumps
around a woman's
nipples are braille
for the blind.
When read it
says,"suck here.



My mate just phoned
me in tears.
His wife just left
him taking his
Bob Marley cd's
and the satelite
dish.Poor bastard.
No woman no sky.