What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

I was walking
through a field in
Vietnam with my
mate when,I
spotted a silver
disc on the ground.
As I bent down
to pick it up,my
mate stopped and
shouted,"Stop!
That's a mine!"
I said,"Bullshit.
Finders keepers!
Anyway why are
you suddenly talking
like an Italian?"



Just watched a terrific
documentary on acid.
I'm gonna watch them
all that way from
now on.



I went to a porn
stars reunion today.
It was nice to come
across an old
face again.


My wife looked out
of the window
and said,"It's
not going to stop
is it?"
"Of course it
fucking isn't,"
I shouted,"You
didn't put the
handbrake on!"



Josh,my landscaper
wanted to know
what a dominatrix
was because he
was curious about
them.I explained
the scenario and
told him the most
important thing
was to choose a
'safe' word if
things got a little
rough.He thanked
me for the info,cut
my lawn and left.
He didn't show up
for three weeks
after that and I
heard that he was
in the hospital.
I went to see him.
He had been beaten
all to hell.
So I asked him
what had happened.
He told me it was
all good until he
needed to use his
safe word.It was
then that he
realized that the
word 'mower'
was not a good
choice.



I think I know
why I keep
getting called a
panda.
I've just heard my
girlfriend discussing
me with her mother,she
said,"All he ever does
is eats,roots and
leaves.



Breaking News: Man
dies after overdosing
on viagra.
His wife took it very
hard.



Stevie Wonder-7 kids
David Blunkett-5 kids
Ray Charles-12 kids
I think it's
safe to say it's not
wanking that makes
you blind.



My grandfather
went to the doctor
with fluid on the
knee.
The doctor told
him that he wasn't
aiming straight.



I have just given
my girlfriend a
dozen roses.She
can get fucked
if she thinks she
can have anything
else out of the
tin.



"Booking fee"
Paying for the
privilege of paying
for something.


I've been having a
lot of gay sex this
last month.I've
been doing it in
Earnest.



I shouted to my
wife,"I'm just
popping down the
paki shop for a
bag of crisps."
"You can't say
that anymore!"
She shouted back.
"It's not politically
correct."
"Ok then,A Bag of
high-fat
nutritionally
unsuitable potato
slices."



I must be really
good at sex.
My wife moans
when we do it.



A range of
alcholic drinks is
being produced
named after
famous authors...
Dickens cider is
proving popular.



The new cleaning
lady at work
fancies me big
time.
I make her
that wet she
carries a mop
around with her.


What do you call a
Millennial Irishman?
I Findthis-o-Fensive.

[Bikkie]

Boy in the bath with
his mum,boy says,"What's
that hairy thing mum?"
Mum replies,"That's
my sponge."
"Oh yes" says the
boy,"The babysitters
got one,I've seen her
washing dads face
with it."



I've just invented
the anti-gravity
toilet.
Lets have a
piss up!



My girlfriend
promised me
fantastic sex in
return for a
whole new
wardrobe.Well,
the wardrobe
arrived today,but
new dresses cost
a blowjob each.



We're often told
if we have friends
on drugs,help
them.
I do what I
can by giving
them mates
rates.



My mate is the
biggest Beatles fan
in the world.He's
got every single
they made except
one.
I think he needs
help.



Three women
were talking about
anal sex,a
newlywed,a
woman in her
thrities and a
rough old forty
something year
old.
"I would never
let him do that to
me,besides,he
respects me to
much to ask."
said the
newlywed."I was
reluctant at first,"
said the thirty
year old."but I
realised that I
always got nice
presents like
jewellery and
designer clothes
when I let him do
that occasionally."
Then the rough
old bird spoke up,
"I let him do my
shitter as often as
he likes." she
said."it's the only
chance I get to
shit on the fucking
prick."



All boxers are
women.They
wear high-waisted
shorts,fight with
gloves on to stop
them scratching
each other and
their prizes are a
belt and purse.



I received a letter
through my door
earlier which read
in big letters,"DO
NOT BEND." How
the fuck am I
supposed to pick it
up?



I can't understand
why people say
they could shit
through the eye of
a needle.When I
have diarrhea.I
lack that kind of
accuracy.



Marriage because
your shitty day
doesn't have to
end,when work
ends.



"Genes could
cause birth control
to fail" Not if you
keep them on and
zipped up.



I get knocked
down but I get up
again,ain't nothing
gonna keep me
down,I get
knocked down.
The joys of
erectile dysfuntion
and viagra.



I just found a load
of chocolates at
the side of the
road.
I knew this was a
quality street!



The wife was
moaning that the
neighbours cat
had shat in our
garden,so she
told me to get
a shovel and
throw it over the
fence,which I duly
did.Now the
neighbours have
our shovel,and we
still have cat shit in
our garden.



Argentina is
surprisingly cold.
In fact it's
bordering on
Chile.



What do Nike and
the KKK have in
common?
They both make black
guys run faster.



Women get annoyed,and
say men are only
interested in one thing.
And even more annoyed
when that one thing
isn't them
personally.



I love getting
compliments at
work. For
example today I
had a supplier call
me and tell me
my "payment was
outstanding." I
felt great. ( And to
be honest,I don't
even remember
paying them. )



I'm taking my
wife Margaret to
the auction of Rod
Stewart's possessions.
I'm not going to bid
on anything but
Maggie May.

[Bikkie]

I got soft closing
doors installed
throughout the
house so we
don't wake the
kids at night but
now I have no
way of telling
when the wife is
in a bad mood.



I asked my gym
instructor what
else he did for a
living.
"Skip hire."
he replied.
"Great I said,"I
know who to
come to when I
need a skip."
"No" he replied
"I meant skip
higher,you fat
bastard."



China,xi jinping
and the
communist party
declare islam a
contagious
desease,a million
muslims arrested
and foreced into
re-education.Now
that's what I call a
chinese takeaway.



Does anybody
know where
Bruce Springsteen
was born?



Me and my wife
were driving back
from Wellington the
other day.
We saw a fit blonde
jogging by."That's
what I should be
doing," I said.
"What,jogging?"
she replied.
"No,her."



My wife complained."They
have this new male host
on the jewellery shopping
channel I always watch.
He knows absolutely
fuck all!"
"Now you know how I felt
when they started hiring
women to talk about the
football."



I'm not saying
Mick Jaggers
getting on a bit,but
he's bringing out
a new single called
Hey,You Get Off Of
My Lawn.



Sat here doing 0 miles
an hour on the motorway...
Why the fuck do
they call it
rush hour?



My alarm goes off
at 6 o'clock every
morning to
"What's The story?
( Morning Glory )"
by oasis.I
put it on snooze
because I need a
little time to
wake up.



I saw two women
throwing some
shapes to my rave
music outside my
house today,so I
decided to go out
and join them.
"Yes,Yes.ladies,"
I said shuffling
my feet and
waving my hands
in the air.
"You like a bit of
techno?""
They both stopped and
stared at me like I
was some looney...
Turns out they were
both deaf.



I asked my barber
the best thing for
baldness."Fanny
juice!" he said.
"Bullocks" I
replied,"You're
balder than me!"
"Yes but what a
magnificent moustache!"
he guipped.

[Bikkie]

I KNOW yesterday was
a LOVELY DAY for
SOUL food in a
restaurant with
the wife,but the place
was DEAD.
The waiter wanted
contactless payment,but
I forgot my credit card.
She paid the
BILL WITH HERS.



This lady said to me
that Bill Withers had
died and I replied,
'I know,I know.I know,
I know,I know.I know,I know,
I know,I know..."
She huffed,"That's massively
insenstive at a time like this!"
"Sorry,I s-s-stutter."



Bill Withered.



I'm sure Bill Withers
family aren't having a
"Lovely Day."



Goodies,goody goody
Gone gone.




"Heathrow please"
I told the cabbie.
"Terminal?" he asked.
I thought,"You cheeky cunt,
I've got my mask and
sanitiser."




All my neighbours were out
in the street clapping
last night.
Idiots,I'm pleased I
stuck with the old
fashioned method of
turning my porch light
on,with a switch.



Distancing ( verb )
What politicians do
when they regret the
stupid things they
said about the virus
a month ago.



Even though I walk through
the valley of the shadow
of death,I will fear no
evil,for you are with me;
Your measuring rod 2m
and thy masked staff
they comfort me.
( The Shopping Prayer )



Wet wet wet singer
Marti Pellow diagnosed
with arthritis.
He told reporters,
"I feel it my fingers,
I feel it in my toes."



I haven't been to work
or seen my children in
3 weeks.
Is this what it feels
like to be a black
man?



For those married
people having affairs
before COVID-19.
I bet you never planned
on being fucked like
this.



I've just seen a guy
in a cape and sombrero
buying a case of Corona beer.
Hispanic buying.

[Bikkie]

I started a business
selling Japanese
bonsai trees it's
been so successful
I've had to move
to smaller
premises.



Never judge a book
by it's cover.
Total bullocks,if
that was the case
there would never
be another porn
magazine sold
again.



Garden spades.
The kind of order
you could give in
the good old days,
before all this PC
nonsense.



I got in the car this
morning and I was
stunned to see it
was minus three
degrees.
Some cunt had nicked
my cd collection.



Helicopter rotor
blades are used to
keep the people
on board cool.
If you don't believe
me,watch how
the fuckers start
sweating when
they stop working.



What's the difference
between a feminist,and
a Islamic suicide
bomber?
The bomber at least
achieved something
when triggered.



I was surprised
how few people
were crowd surfing
at the Beach Boys
concert.



My wife didn't
speak to me for 3
days last week and
I haven't got a
clue what I did to
cause it.
Which is a shame
because I'd like
to do it again next
week.



My auto correct
changes duck to
fuck,coot to cunt,
tits to shits,and
golden shower,it
doesn't seem to
mind sex and
swearing but just
won't tolerate fowl
language.



You know you're
an ugly fucker
when your total
speed dating
session lasts
three minutes.



Sometimes when
surfing porn,I like
to look at some
really weird stuff,just
so I know what else
is out there.
Did you know,for
example,there are
videos out there of
just a guy and a
girl having viginal
sex?

[Bikkie]

Donald Trump
has withdrawn
all U.S funding
for the WHO upon
learning he cannot
mine Keith Moon
for minerals.



Donald Trump is
defunding the WHO.
Pete Townshend will
now just have to
make do with drawing
stick figures of naked
toddlers.



A german midget
jumped in to the
river yesterday to
save my precious
little dog who was
drowning... ...After
he climbed out he
handed me the
dog and said,"Here
is ze dog.Keep
him warm,dry
him off and he vil
be fine"... ...I said,
"Are you a little vet?"
He replied,:A little
vet?"...."I'm fucking
soaked."



I went round to
my mates the
other day to watch
man united,when
I heard his wife
cry out,"Oh no,not
that dirty sarchez
again." I didn't
knock and disturb
them,fair play to
her giving him anal
to stop him watching
the footy.



My wife and her
sister got caught
in thunder shower
on the way home
from weight watchers
earlier.. ..It was
the funniest example
of saturated fat's
I'd ever seen...



Saw a scotsman
wearing a
wellington on his
cock and I said,
"Hey,what you
up too?" and he
said,"Nothing just
fucking aboot."



Two dyslexics
sitting in a
car.one turns to
the other and says,
"I can smell petrol."
"Good for you" says
the other one."I can't
even smell my own
name.



One thing I really
enjoy doing is
wearing nothing
but a colourful
tight bikini
bottom that shows
off my cock,and then
going and strutting
around in front of
other men and letting
them ogle me.'
Or as it's also known,
"Bodybuilding"



It took me a long
long time to work
up the courage,but
eventually,the
words passed my
lips...."You know
love,we've been
married for more
than 25 years now
and I thought you
might like to try....
You know...
something
"alternative." I
finally spluttered
she paused for
what seemed like
an eternity,pondered
some more and then
eventually responded
"Wow love.I never knew
you felt like this
too,but now you
mention it,yes,I'd
love to be taken
by five strangers
at the same time whilst
you watch and wank...one
up the fanny.one up the
arse,one in my mouth
and one cock in each hand.
I think I'd love it
and it would definitely
reignite the old magic
we once shared.I
can't wait.Can't believe
you're had the courage to
even broach it love,what
did you have in mind?"
"I was thinking of a
Cure or Gary Numan
gig love"...



I smacked a paki in
the face with a can
of coke.
He started squeling
and moaning.I said
"Come off it,it
was only a soft
drink.



The sign in the pub
said,"In case of
fire-break glass."
Now my beer's
gone everywhere,and
there's still a
fire.



My wife wanted to
give me a wank as
a surprise cheeky
Birthday present
this morning.I'm
not saying I'm old
but I wish she'd
warned me last
week.



My ebay purchase
"Guaranteed to
give you a huge
throbbing penis
within minutes"
arrived this
morning.It turned
out to be a
wasp.



Me love to snort
a line of charlie
from a woman's
pussy lips.
Me love crack
cocaine.



I was in the pub
with some friends and
some of the girls
Brought the conversation
around to whether
there was any truth
in the myth that "large feet
were an Indication
of large sexual organs."
I exclaimed of course
it is.One of the girls giggled,
"So what size shoe are you?"
"I'm a size 6 ladies,but
my ex-wife was a size 10
and she had a massive
baggy fanny," that didn't
go down well.




I was in the
building site
stores when
Paddy came in
and said,"Have
you got any quick
drying cement?"
I said,"Over there
fill your boots."
Half an hour later
Paddy came back
in and said,"Do
you have any boots,
mine are full of
cement now."

[Bikkie]

A flash of light,a crack
of the electrical discharge.
The Terminator lands in a
back street in L.A.
He sees three punks appoarching
and asks them ( in his distinctive accent )
"What year is this?"
"2020" came the reply once they
had finished laughing at him.
"Ah" said the Terminator "the
year of the quaratine lockdown,your
mask and gloves,give them to
me now."



I used to be a spy until
someone came at me with
a hairdryer while I was
in bed.
They blew my cover.



Domino's pizza worker
'threatened to behead
wife with a meat cleaver
in a lockdown row about '
I've heard of giving head
to pay the rent but surely
that's going a bit
too far.



Last night I awoke
to find both the
wife and I had
been abducted by
aliens,A tall alien
in a mask leaned
over me and said
"We are just going
to perform an anal
probe on yourself
and your wife and
then we will send
you home unharmed."
I rolled over parted
my arse cheeks and
said,"Ok mate but
good luck with the
wife I've been
unsuccesful in that
that area for
fifteen years."



When are we going to change
"till death do us part"
to for the next five
years?



When we're in bed my
girlfriend likes two fingers
sometimes she'll take a third.
And by that point,she might
as well have the whole fucking
kit kat.



What tine does Any Murray
go to bed?
About tennish.



My wife has just
got a job at the
local sewage works.
I reckon she will
be the best shit stirrer
they ever had.



The wife said
"Look the reason
gay men enjoy
anal sex is because
they have a
prostate gland,I
don't,so you may
enjoy anal sex
with me,but for
me it would just
be a painful non
pleasurable
experience"
I said,"See you're
just selfish."



Is it me or do
people,thinking it's
cool sucking on
a vape look more
like their giving
head to a sex
aid.



Paddy comes
home drunk.His
wife said,"explain
to me why you
have another
woman's lipstick
on your shirt."
"Easy" said Paddy
"I wiped me cock
with me shirt."



The definition of
irony,courtesy of
the sport of
boxing.
A Gypsy and a Black guy
both claiming that
they were robbed.



Quick question..
Is it possible to
take a skin graft
from your
buttocks,and
transplant it onto
someone who isn't
family?....Arse
skin for a friend.



I'm against
recycling..because
it makes me look
like a huge
alcholic to the
bin-men!!



A really sexy girl
was checking me
out today.
Then I paid her
for the groceries
and left the
shop.



"I always try to go
the extra mile for
my customers"
London's most hated
taxi driver!



Therapist: "I think
you have a phobia
of marriage.Do
you know what
the symptons
are?"
Me" 'Can't say I do."
Therapist: "That's
one of them."



My aunt has contracted
H.I.V from someone at her
knitting club.
I think she's been sharing
needles.



"What's a female
Muslims favourite
clothing?"
"Dunno"
"A black bin liner
That's sack religious"



A problem shared
is a problem halved.
unless your problem is
understanding
fractions.

[Bikkie]

Crimewatch have
released a book on
their 50 most
wanted,it's called
"50 Shades Of
Black.



"I'm going to
snuggle up in bed
with a DVD
tonight." said my
wife."Sounds
good to me," I said
"I'll have the
quilt."



In ancient Rome,people
gathered at the closseum
and enjoyed by watching
a man's life getting
destroyed.
That's the same with
people attending
weddings.



"Pick up the iron
and get to work." I
said to the woman,
"Just because I'm
a woman doesn't
mean that I'll be
opressed by men
all the time." she
ranted,"I've the
ability and the
education to work
like you.And you
sexist bastards
think that we
solely belong for
these menial
tasks," "Well
then," I replied
"Here ends your
career as a
blacksmith."



I remember seeing
Star wars at the
pictures and I was
totally blown
away.
That Tracey Davis
was a right dirty
little cow.



Faith can move
mountains,which
probably explains
why most of the
earthquakes take
place in Muslims
countries.



Last night,I came
all over my wife's
tits.
She was furious this
morning when she
looked at the
birdcage.



The Crash Test Dummies
were one-hit
wonders.



I was watching
Star Trek and I was
amazed when
captain Picard
walked uo to an
alcove in the wall
and said,Earl Grey
hot" and seconds
later a steaming
hot cup of tea
appeared of
course the
aristocracy in
England have had
that technology for
years it's called a
dumb waiter.



"Mary Queen of
scots: The woman
who would be
king."
Hmm,and there was
me thinking
transsexulalism was
a modern
phenomenon.



Dinner time is so
much better since
I told the missus
that the smoke
alarm isn't a
timer.



I recently did
some stand-up
comedy in a pub.
My mate asked me
how it went?
"Fucking brilliant."
I replied."It was
better than sex."
He laughed and
said,"It is because
you actually heard
a few groans?"
"No" I replied
with a smile,"I
lasted two
minutes.



Throughout life,
men end up paying
for women,in
dating sex,
marriage,and most
costly divorce.
Clue is the gender
names....Male
and fee male.

[Bikkie]

The Nightingale Hospital in
Glasgow has been renamed.
ICU Jimmy.



Trump wanted his very own war
And now he's got one...with a virus.
Nice to see him picking on someone
his own size.



Fucking hell,captain Tom and
Michael Ball are singing
"You'll Never Walk Alone."
Nearing 100 years old,he's
probably the only living
person to have sung it when
Liverpool last won the
title.



My Italian friend gave me a jigsaw puzzle.
There's lots of pizza.



Advert in newspaper:
Heavy Metal Group
Requires Singer.
What would a rock group
want with a machine?



I was talking to a
bird in a bar
when she said
"Fancy a fuck?"
"Yesss," I said
knocking back my
drink.
"Let's go!"
"So what can I
expect?" I asked
walking back to
her car."Talk to
me." she said,"It's
small and pink,it
will be very tight
and wet,I think you'll
just squeeze in..."
"Oh! I'm so
turned on," I told
her,"I can't wait
to squeeze in,
mmmmm,Tell me
more..." she said
"Okay you weirdo,It's
got heated seats
reverse parking
sensor and a leak
in the roof."



While ordering a
pizza and the girl
reads the order
back,"So you
have one large
thick sausage,
anything else?"
with a smirk I
replied,"Yes,I'd
also like to order
a pizza."



Every so often I
get bold and
brace myself,and
prepare to "Enter
the void."
Or as I also call
it my wife's
vagina.



My chinese
girlfriend dumped
me.Then I couldn't
find my way home
because I was
disoriented.



My wife told me
that me taking
everything she
says so literally is
turning her into a
basket case,which
is nice because
then I'll have
somewhere to keep
my baskets.



Me:"What's the
wifi password?"
Bartender:"You
need to buy a
drink first."
Me:"I'll have a coke."
Bartender:"Is pepsi ok?"
Me:"sure...how much
is that?"
Bartender:"$3"
Me:"There you go,now
what's the wifi password?"
Bartender:"You need to
buy a drink first,no
spaces and all
lowercase."



It's my Grandad's
80th next week
and I've decided
to surprise him
by hiring a
stripper.
I can't wait to see the
look on his face as
he's wanted to get rid
of that old wallpaper
for years.



Doing the dishes is
a lot like having
sex,my wife
would rather use
something mechanical
that does the job
better but most of
the time leaves
me to do it
alone.

[Bikkie]

The Queen asks for no
gun salutes to mark
her 94th birthday as
it would be inapropirate.
Unless of course they're
aimed at Piers Morgan
and James Corden.


Absolutely unbeliveable
what I've been hearing
about people in the
USA daring to go out
and protest to get
the lockdown and
'Restrictions' lifted
early.
Fucking hell,I wish we
had the balls to have
that kind of Resistance
here!



Some people comparing
the protesters to
michigan to Rosa Parks.
To be fair..she was also
a trouble maker who
couldn't follow the rules.



I can't wait for this
lockdown to be lifted.
I just heard my girlfriend
on the phone to her mate
saying when this is all
over I'm going to take
him for quiet walk up
Beachy Head and toss
him off.



After recording his charity
single 'A scouser stole
my zimmer frame'
Captain Tom,You'll never walk
alone!



Captain Tom Moore has
now raised over $40m
There's a rumour he's
going to cash it in
soon.



NHS staff to enlist
Gordon Ramsay,
"Call that a fucking
mask,I'd throw it up
your arse sideways."



All things bright and beauiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful,
The chinese eat them all.



"How's your new Thai
girlfriend Dave?"
"How do you know her name?"



"Just the two of us,no
TV on no phone,just you
and me and a nice
beer or two,just peace
and quiet,what does it
remind you of?"
said my missus.
"Being at that Sam Smith
pub down the road without
the nice beer though."
I answered.



If you plan to make
face masks out of
old bras,make sure
you use the left cup.
we wouldn't want you
looking like a right
tit.



Robert Jenrick revealed
that 400,00 gowns will
arrive in the UK from
Turkey on sunday.
Hopefully there isn't
400,00 Muslims wearing
them.



Before lockdown I used
to have a problem with
alcohol.
Now I love the stuff.



You know your sex life
is shit when your wife
doesn't let you have a
birthday shag anymore.
Especially as my birthday
is February the 29th.



I saw an Egyptian
man sitting in his
brum,brum all
day beeping his
fucking horn.
I say,"Why you fucking
do that?" He say,"I'm
tooting car man."



I have undertaken
a study to find the
answer to what effect
Heavy Metal has on
the human brain.
It actually is
rock it science.



What's the difference
between an enzyme and
a hormone?
You can't hear an
enzyme...



Alter Boys" That's
not a typo,it's the
name of a clinic in
Bangkok.



Black Rights have
come along way
since the days of
slavery.
All they ever wanted
was a fair crack of
the whip.



I find people get
friendlier as I get
older.Only yesterday a
complete stranger
complemented me on
the size of my penis
as I crossed the road.
He said,"OY,Yu big prick
get out of the way."



I buy my drugs from
Leroy down the street.
They're ethnically- soured.

[Bikkie]

American's,do you remember
in "Jaws" when the Mayor
was so concerned about
the economy,he told everyone
it was safe to get back
in the water?



I see America has plans
to save thousands more
lives when the coronavirus
lockdown ends.
They're not opening
schools.



Today the Goverment Furlough
scheme has kicked in and now
I am only receiving 80%
of what I should be paid.
I finally know what it feels
like to be a woman.



I met a bloke who said
he was Richie Blackmore
and used to be in Rainbow.
He must think I'm stupid,when
I was a kid I watched every
episode and it was just
Geoffrey,George,Bungle
and Zippy.



I was in a band
called 'Slap' but
we split up,despite
having a big hit on
our hands.



A polish girl from
the office confided
in me for advice,she
said her new boyfriend
says he will leave her
if she doesn't start
swollowing after a
blowjob,cause it's
disrespectful...I
told her,he sounds
like a bit of a knob,
but he's probably
bluffing,just take
it with a pinch of
salt.
Next day,she came over
to my desk,face scrawled,
I said,"Come for some
more advice?"
"No,I fucking haven't!"
she replied angrily,
"Not from you
anyway....cum tastes
disgusting with a
pinch of salt!"



Watched an old
70's porno earlier
with Woody Allen's
ex-wife and her sister
giving blowjobs to a
well hung scotsman.
It was called....Jocks
Cock And Two Chokin
Farrows.



Teacher:"Now can
class can anyone
say a sentence
containing 'allotment?
Little Johnny:"My
grandad said,a lot
meant about 50c in
his day.



I was in AnE for
4 hours the other
day...Then she
told me it was
spelt with 2 n's.



I went into Farmers
after I saw a sign
saying,'underwear half
off,'but security
kicked me out.



I'm the kind of
guy who believes
in shooting from
the hip.
Fuck this arthritis.


WOMEN wake up yawning,with
their mouths open.
MEN wake up with an
erection coincidence?



My wife's really
pleased with her
new washing machine.
It's got some useful
cycles.
A symthetics cycle a
cotton cycle,and
for those really
stubborn
stains.... ....A
menstrual cycle.



I'm not saying that
I'm unfaithful.
But my mechanic tells
me I need a new
two-timing belt.



This begging in the
21st century is
getting ridculous.
A kid came up to
me today with an
electric cigarette
and asked,"Got a
spare battery
mate."



As a catholic
choirmaster,I also
teach technique on
the organ.
I instruct,"Focus on
the bottom of the
shaft!"



When I go to
sleep,I count all
the sez partners
I've ever had.
I'm Welsh,though,so
it's just counting
sheep!



Roger Daltrey
walks into a
bar...He asks for a
pint,and the
barman says,"Who
the fuck said
that?"



...To the cunt who
stole my
anti-depressant pills.
I hope you're happy
now!



Be wary of your
girlfriend wanting
a dominatrix outfit,they
are usually white and
flowing with a
veil.

[Bikkie]

Always be true to
yourself.Never
listen to those who
tell you what you
can't do.
They told Beethoven
he'd never make music
because he was deaf.
But he didn't listen
to them.



I picked up our
son for my first
contact visit after
the acrimonious
custody battle.
"Don't you dare
forget," growled
my ex-wife."I
want him back
here by 7."
Which I thought
was very generous.
He's only 3 at the
moment so That's
What? 4 years?



The wife sent me
out earlier and
told me to buy
her some beef
stock.
I honestly think
she's retarted for
wanting to invest
in Bovril.



Anyone else notice that
'incest' is an anagram
of 'nicest'?



My friend texted
me yesterday
telling to meet
him a half six.
Well I turned up
at three and he
was three and a
half fucking
late.



Got some great
news today!
My doctor has
encouraged me
to masturbate
more often!!!
Well,he actually
told me I could
have a stroke
any time...



As the wife and
I got closer to
divorce,I said
to her,"Get used
to paying for
your own shopping,
darling...the
Gravy Train is
coming to an end!"
all she did was cry
out hungrily and said
"Wait,there was a
gravy train!?"



Scientists are
now saying that
the Brontosaurus
may never have
existed.
Apparently the
Triceratops and
the Stegosaurus
are also very
questionable.
I'm gutted,because it
means that my pyjamas
are just meaning
less.



Two days after
starting my new
job my boss
caught me asleep
at my desk.
"What are you
doing?" he
demaned."At
your interview I
asked about your
attitude to work
and you told me
you were like a
lion!" "No." I
corrected him."I
said,I like a
lie in."



BMW have announced
improvements to
all models.
They're removed
redundant indicators
but added three
new horns to use as
dick extensions in
case another road
user does something
you don't like.



I don't know why
midgets are here
on Earth.
If anything,they
should be on a
Dwarf Planet.



Boreder patrol...
putting the
"panic" in
Hispanic.



When I was
growing up my
mother would
say:"There are
no real monsters."
To console me.
But now I know the
truth..There are
any they're called
toddlers.



I overdosed on
viagra once.
Hardest day of
my life.



"Do you have any
change for a cup
of tea.?"
"Yeah try coffee."



I don't know this
for a fact,but I'm
pretty sure deaf
people cheat a
charades.



Trust me the
National Lottery
are lying bastards!
You don't get a
tenner if you
have 2 balls.
What you get is a
crazy bitch
shouting,"Get
your bollocks off
the counter,you're
banned for
life!"



We were at this
dealers and
haggling to buy a
used car.He said,
"Why don't you
go ahead and
offer me a round
figure"
"Great,I'll definitely
swap you my fat wife
in exchange for this
rusty peugeot!"



I was upset when
my girlfriend
texted me saying,
"I'm breaking up
with you because
your cock is too
big,it hurts me."
I felt much better
when she sent me
another message
saying,"Sorry,that
text wasn't meant
for you."

[Bikkie]

HEALTH CHEFS: After covid
you'll have a year or so
to prepare for the next
serious health issue which
will affect half the country.
Cirrhisis if the liver.



My alcoholic mate now
refers to scotch as
12 year old hand
sanitiser.




I'm having a coronavirus
star wars sex party tonight.
I'll be hands solo.



Hugh Hefner made millions
by staying at home all
day in his pyjamas.
Unfortunately it doesn't
to be working the same
for me.



Thank goodness the coronavirus
struck now and not twenty years
ago,also you would have been
under quarantine lockdown
with a Nokia 3310,200 texts
and 100 minutes calling
time and before I forget,the
internet was dial up speed
back then.



Batfink:"My wings are like shield of..."
Everyone-"We know what your wings are
like,dickhead.
Avoid the chinese."



James Bond hits
upon hard times
and finds himself
facing a job
seeker interview,
"Well Mr Bond
we have two
positions we can
offer you one is
giving lectures to
children on the
benefits of a
career in milking
intelligence,and
the other is in
the fabic staining
department of a
yarn mill," "Do
you expect me to
talk?"
"No,Mr Bond,I expect
you to dye."



The worst part
about being a
giraffe is having a
lot of time to
think about your
mistakes when
you're sinking
into quicksand.



I love woman
who want
equality.I
especially like
the look on their
faces when you
tell them you're
not paying,after
you've drunk
champagne and
eaten the most
expensive meal
on the menu.



My missus said,"You
want to try walking
a mile in my shoes
sometimes,"
pfttt....she
obviously has no
idea what I do when
she fucks off to
bingo.



On our 50th wedding
anniversary my wife
said,"Come on,I want
you to do what you
did on our wedding day."
"I'd love to my dear," I
replied,"But I think
that bridesmaid has
moved away."



Better out than
in,I always say.
About foreigners.



It's true that
dogs are loyal...
But cats don't tell
the police where
you hide your
drugs.

[Bikkie]

Top Tip for chavs
and gangstas...
Avoid having to
say,"d'y'knaa
woorra mean?" or
"Ya git me?"
every 3 seconds,by
simply speaking
properly in the
first place.



I was chatting to
a pretty blonde in
the pub,"would
you sleep with
me if I offered
you 4 million
dollars?"
She thought for a
moment and said,
"Yes,I suppose I
would."
"How about for forty
dollars.?" I asked
"What kind of
woman do you
think I am"?" she
snarled "We've already
established that,"
I replied,"now
we're just haggling
over the price."



A teacher was
explaining to the
class division in
maths,and why
250 couldn't go
into 4."But that
can't be right
Miss," said little
Johnny,"there
are only 4 other
houses on our
street but at
least 250 pakis
go into them."

[Bikkie]

Why do pandas
like old movies?
Because they're
in black and
white.



I'd like to
complain about
my wife taking
the piss.
Earlier I
said,"I would do
anything for you
darling,I love
you so much."
"Oh," she replied,
"If someone tried
to shoot me,would
you stand in front
of the bullet?"
"Of
course I would!" I
exclaimed."And,if
I needed a kidney
transplant,would
you donate one
of yours?"
"Without hesitation,
darling!"
"And if I went to
bed for an hour,would
you put the washing out?"
See what I mean?
Taking the piss.



What do you call
a female Ninja?
A Minja.



My wife asked
me tro try penis
enlargement
because I "disn't
fill her."
Well I tried creams
sprays.exercises,
pumps,herbs,the
lot but none of
them worked
I'm still 11.1/2"
with a 5" girth.



My old Grandad
always used to
say:"Out with the
new...." Lovely
man.shite
Antiques dealer.



I was swtting a
voice recognition
password for my
new phone and a
dog nearby barked
and ran away.
Now I'm looking
for that fucking
dog ot unlock my
phone.



My husband has
cooked me a
lovely meal and
bought some very
nice wine.
I'll bet he's after
sex.Well he can fuck
off,he's staying in
with me.



Three mates outside
a brothel one enters
returns 5 minutes
later with a big
smile his mates
ask,"What was it
like and how much?"
"A beauiful girl
fantastic for $30
she put a pineapple
ring on it and sucked
it off amazing."
Second one went in
and 10 minutes later
he came outside with
a big smile "50 two
pineapple rings
she sucked and licked
it off absolutely
amazing" he said
Third chap goes in
and he was offered the
$30 $50 or the special for
$100 "I'll have the
special" he said 30 minutes
later he came out looking
depressed "Did you have
the $30 or $50?" His mates
asked."No,I had the special
for a $100 she put two
pineapple rings on it a
dollop of icecream and a
cherry on the top."
he said.
"Wow did she lick and suck it
off?" they asked "No" he said
"It looked so nice I ate it
myself."



I texted my boss
and said,"I'm on
the train heading
for the south coast
now."
"What the fuck is
this about," he
replied,"You're
the one who told
me to be in Brighton
early this morning."



Staarted dating a
clairvoyant.I'll
need to pick up
some medium
condoms.


I have a team of
sniffer chickens I
hire out to the
police searching
for black criminals.
They make various hen
noises when hot on
the trail.
I call them the
Clue Clucks Clan.



I stayed in an
islamic hotel on
each of the pillows
was a phrase.
Shahada: Faith
salab: prayer,zakat:charity,
sawm: Fasting,Haij: pilgrimage to
Mecca.They were five pillows
of islam....the bed also
had a blow up
matress.

[Bikkie]

My bonde girlfriend
said,"I put my PIN
number into this
page on Fackbook,and
it says my dream job
would be a fashion model!"
I said,"You put your
PIN number into a facebook
page!
Are you fucking darft?"
"Relax! It was only the
first four digits."



The BBC re to
start a new version
of an old quiz show.
Contestants with
alzheimers are asked
questions about things
they did today and
yesterday.
It's called blankety
blank.



I don't want to
think I'm getting
old or anything,but
all the noises I
used to make during
sex,I now make getting
out of bed.



University! Just the
same as being unemployed.
But your parents are
proud of you.



I got called into
human resources
today because of a
couple of incidents
and was asked if I
knew the difference
between left and
right wing.
I told them to fuck
off as my politics
was my business they
still sacked me though,
turns out aircraft
are fucking expensive
to fix.



If this weekend
you pull a woman
and she taked you
to her home and
there's a banner of
the old soviet union
hanging on the
wall...that's a
big red flag.



I entered a question
competition the
question was what
is kit-kats famous
advertising slogan,and
I won a lifetimes supply
of kit-kats.
I've donated them to
the fracture clinic
at my local hospital
to give to the
patients.


48% of Americans
don't believe in
Evolution...Which
is a good indication
that they haven't
evolved.



Say pyeonychang out loud.
Sounds like a bullet
fired onto a rusty
metal.



"What's your
favourite tipple?"
"Vodka," "Neat or
with a mixer?"
"With a mixer."
"Which one?"
"Vodka."



my chinese friend
got really sick
one day and he had
to go to a hospital.
I went to see him the
next day,but all he
kept whispering was
"Chun Yu Yan,Chun Yu Yan"
over and over-and then
he died.
It was so sad and I
really struggled
with not knowing what
his last words were,but
I got the courage to
look up the translation
after his burial...
Apparently it means
"You're standing on mny
fucking oxygen
tube."



Brunette:"I wish
I had a front wheel
drive car but mine's
rear wheel drive."
Blonde:"Why not
travel everywhere
in reverse?"

[Bikkie]

Most of the films
I watch are
defintely not
suitable viewing
for children,which
is ironic,because
they make up most
of the cast.



One thing is
guaranteed when
a woman starts
an argument the
arugument isn't
really about what
you're arguing
about.



I wasn't sure
what to get the
wife for her
birthday,so I got
her this frivolous
present where I
named a newly
discovered dinosaur
fossil after her.
Bigfatbitchasaurus.



What do black
women and hockey
goalies have in
common?
They both wear
their pads for 3
periods.



I got a phone call
from school telling
me my son had been
hurt in an accident
and was in the burns
unit.
I went fucking mad,this
was no time to be
teaching him shit scottish
poetry,he should be in
a hospital.



If your wife ever
says she wants to
go anywhere you
don't want to,simply
say,"Oh yeah,that's
where the really hot
bonde works."
Problem solved.



The gay bloke at
work told me he
had tried several
rings before
deciding to get
married and wear
his husbands.



Paddy's wife was
ready to give birth
so he rushes her
to hospital.
On arrival the nurse
asks,"How dilated
is she?" To which
Paddy replies,"Oh
Jayus we're both
over the fucking
moon."



If Forrest Gump
had a computer,would
his password be
1 Forrest 1?



One for the
trekkies here....
An often asked
star-trek question
is when you step
onto the plate of
the matter
transporter to be
beamed down to a
planet,is it you
that arrives or just
a copy of you,with
your thoughts and
memories,and
have you as an
enity ceased to
exist?
Would the soul travel
too,or is our mind
just a collection of
ramdom electrical
patterns within
that brain that no
longer exists?
If asked,the person
at the other end if
it is still you,it
would obviously
say yes.So the
question is would you
willingly step onto
the pad to be beamed
down?
Or are you like me
and think it's a
load of bullocks
anyway so why fucking
worry?

[Bikkie]

You know you're a
good mum when
you sacrifice your
vibrator batteries
for your kids
toys.



A dyslexic terrorist
has stormed the
London zoo making
random demands.
He has taken six
ostriches...



Laptop
speakers!...too
quiet for music...too
loud for porn!



I've just released
my first single on
7" vinyl.A side: Oh
I do like to be
B side: The seaside.



A scotsman and
his wife walked
past a swanky new
restuarant in town!
"Did you smell that
food?" she
asked..."It smells
absolutely incredble!"
Being a kindhearted
fella,he thought "What
the hell..Ill treat
her" so he walked
her past again.!!



I've just listened
to The Rolling Stones
singing She's A Rainbow..and
I've only just worked out
it's about a girl who likes
shoving crayons in and out
of her fanny.
It fucking well is she cums
in,many colours,Filthy
bitch....



I'm having trouble digging
up some stubbornn tree roots.
What I need is a big strong
spade.
I'll give Leroy a shout
next door.



When I'm having
sex,the one thing
I really like my wife
to do is....the
shopping.



As soon as The Beatles
made money they moved
to London.
Where it was safer to
leave their property
unattened whilst
on tour.



I've been cracking
subtle jokes about
slavery to the new
black guy in my
office all week.
He still hasn't
cottoned on.



Someone has just
bet me that I
cannot make a
sentence without
using the letter 'e'
How the fuck am I
going to do that?



I said to my gay
mate "If you
could go anywhere
in the solar system
where would it be?"
"Uranus"
he replied.



After being a
window cleaner
for about five
years now,I've
decided to look
for a new job.
I always feel
as though I'm on
the outside looking
in.



RELIGIOUS SHIT:
Taoism: Shit happens.

Buddhism: If shit happens,it's not really shit.

Islam: If shit happens,it's the will of Allah.

Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism: This shit happened before.

Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.

Hare Krishna: Shit happens rama rama.

TV Evangelism: Send more shit.


Athesim: No shit.

Jehovah's Witness: knock knock,shit happens.

Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happening.

Christian Science: Shit happens in your mind.

Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens,maybe it doesn't.

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.

Existentialism: What is shit anyway?

Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.



So when
spider-man
sprays a sticky
substance over
someone,he's
awesome.
When I do it,I'm a
fucking pervert.



Just mentioned
to the missus
that I've always
had a bit of a
thing for Beyonce.
"Whatever floats
your boat."
she said,"No" I said
"that's buoyancy."

[Bikkie]

The teacher said,
"Today we're
going to talk
about sayings
that used to be
common,but
are unacceptable and
offensive."
"Nigger in the
woodpile miss,"
said Little
Johnny,"Well
that certainly is
one." said the
teacher,rather
shocked,"But
today we would
say "Fly in the
ointment." "Sure
miss," replied
Little Johnny,
"There's a fly in
the ointment
then out there by
where they're
doing the
renovation....This
one's waving a
knife."



When my new
girlfriend asked
me how many
sexual partners
I'd had,I learnt it
was best not to
ask,"Do I include
prosititutes."



Why is it that
animals have only
two genders?



# This generation #
Sticks and stones
my break my
bones...but
words send me
into a crippling
depression...



I told my wife
how everytime I
see her,there's
one Beatles song
she always
reminds me of.
"Oooh what is it?"
she swooned,
"Something,Love
Me Do?" "No,
"She So Heavy."



The other day a
girl asked me
what marks I
would give her.
"Well," I said,"If
you were to put
on some lipstick
to accentuate
your sexy lips,a
skintight dress to
show off your
gorgeous figure,
and some sexy
lingerine to
emphasis your
petite breasts,I
would give you a
solid eight out of
ten." Anyway,long
story short,she
was talking about
her year nine geography
assignment.



My wife is a true
patniotic scot.
She burns supper
every night.

[Bikkie]

What's the difference
between a kind woman
and an unkind woman?
Wether the camera
is switched on or
not.



Paddy:"Every morning
I wake up and wonder
if the world will end
today?"
Murphy:"I doubt it-it's
already tomorrow in
Austrailia."



I don't understand
modern obession
with shaved pubes
both female and male.
In my day it was part
of foreplay to pick
the hairs from
each-other's
teeth.



A mathematican
is given a
psychological
test.
The first question
asked,"You see a
burning house
and a hose disconnected
from a fire hydrant.
What do you do?"
After much deliberation
the Mathemation decides
he would attach the
hose to the hydrant.
He is then asked
"You see a non-burning
house and a hose disconnected
from a fire hydrant,what do
you do?" to which the
Mathemation immediately
respondes,"I'll set the
house on fire to reduce
this to a problem I've
already solved."



I lived my
whole life
without essential
oils,so what makes
them essential?

[Bikkie]

Just been listening
to a conversation
between two old
women who were
observing social
distancing.
"Windy isn't it?"
"No,it's Thursday"
"So am I,let's
have a nice cup
of tea."



Swiss public health officals
say it's ok to hug grandchildren
if they are under 10 because
young children cannot spread
the disease to others.
Now we know where Prince Andrew
is hiding.



Mike Pence says he
didn't want to wear
a mask on tour of a
hospital because
he wanted to look
healthcare personal
in the eye.
And we thought Trunp
was the stupid
one.



I was a contestant on
The Voice in hindsight
I think it was a mistake
to cover Aswad's
"Don't Turn Around."



My missus caught me
watching porn,tutted
and went upstairs,anyway
she came back down dressed
in a nurses uniform,"Wow,"
I said,"time for fun and
sex games then?"
"Is it fuck," she replied,
"Get your coat,were going
shopping."



My last girlfriend asked
me how many women I'd
slept with.
I said,"roughly" 25 the
rest I was gentle with.



For those of you still
confused by the social
distancing guidelines,six
feet is 1.82 metres,while
2 metres is 6 foot 6 and
three-quarters.
I hope that helps.



My wife bought me a
penis ring for my
birthday.
Can't get the fucker
to install on my
phone.



There's an Arab who lives
near me who can carry a
bucket of coal on his stiff
cock.
Mind you,if he hadn't been
caught thieving twice he
wouldn't need too.



When I was in school
we were on a trip
heading east,and this
paki kid on the bus
started going absolutely
mental and freaking out.
We finally got him subdued
and calmed down once we
explained what was on
the sign he saw and the
he wouldn't be getting
bathed but we're just
heading to an estuary called
"The Wash."



Colenel Tom Moore had
a flyover above his
house on his birthday.
A bit extreme.
Most would be happy
with a road named after
them.



Worry dog walkers
and parents at your
local park by walking
around looking concerned
with a 25 inch diameter
black,leather studded
collar attached to a
4 foot long 3 inch
wide rope shouting
"Here satan,Here boy.



My wife divorced
me due to my constant
and excessive use of
the C word.
On reflection,it may
have been better to
find out what her Mums
name actually
was.

[Bikkie]

The US has declared
war on coronavirus.
As usual,they waited
until it was half-time
in Europe before joining
in.



I asked my wife to
get me a green jumper
for my Birthday.
Just unwrapped a
Frog!



Scottish medical
advice-everyone
should wear face
covering in public.
Couldn't they make
this a permament
requirement for
Susan Boyle?



My ex-girlfriend has
had that many balls
go through her I've
started calling her
goalpost.



The prosititute said
we could do it as long
as we both wore surgical
masks and persepex visors.
Sluts me.
They normally charge extra
when I suggest that.



During these worrying times
I've decided to carry a copy
of The Watchtower with me
whenever I have to go out.
I'm not a Jehovah's Witness
freak or anything,it's just
to stop any cunts getting
too close to me in the
supermarket queue.



Do divers have to keep a fathom apart.
Podiatrists six feet apart.
Dominatrixs one rod.
( comments open for banter and further suggestions )



Gents Bad News
is that viagra
can lead to
temporary blindness.
However,if you are
naked,it'll also
ensure that you
don't walk into
any walls.



I went in the chinese
restuarant I said
"Do you do takeaways?"
He replied,"Ah yes
seven tek away free
is four."



I said to my wife
"I saw a woman
with her tits out
on the bus feeding
her son."
she said,"It's
natural."
"Natural?" I replied,
"She was giving him
crisps."



"Hey fancy coming
over to watch
groundhog day?"
"But we watched
it yesterday..."
"Exactly."



The wife came
back from one
of her girls night
out a bit tipsy
and suggested we
get a pole for the
bedroom to spice
up our dull sex
life.
I said ok I'll
bring one home
from work tomorrow.
Her face dropped a
fuckinng mile when
I turned up with
Gosia from
accounts.



Just before I die,I'm
going to ask for a pen
and paper.
Then I'll write...I'VE
HIDDEN ALL OF MY MONEY
IN THE



What does YMCA
stand for?
You Might Catch AIDS.



My girlfriend
asked me if I
want to get
married someday.
I said,"Of course,
once I meet the
right woman.

[Bikkie]

When a disaster
strikes and
people refer to
the damage as an
"act of God," we
need to start
billing the
churches since
they're in direct
communication
anyways.



My wife told me
she's desperate
for a baby and if
it's a boy,she'll
call him Harrison.
I said,"I know
you are,but at
the moment we
just can't a Ford
one." ( Taxi! )



I was in a band
called 'Porn
Ejaculation' We
covered The
Faces.



It's been anounced
that climate change
is irreversible does
that mean I can stop
pissing about with this
recycling.



"I'm still standing"
sang Elton John No
mean feat after all
that bum sex.



A knightsbridge
girl laughing
mocked me,and
said I could only
come back to her
flat if I could
show her twelve
inches.
So,I took my record
collection with me!
Posh Tart.



Rod Stewart is a raving Tory.
He was caught in the
Thatcher Tomb yelling
at the decrepit body of
the former prime minster.
"Wake Up Maggie..."



I asked the local
farmer,"Are your
animals kindly
reared?"
He replied,"Sure I
always use plenty
of lube."



I've been hired
to do a long-term
renovation project
removing the old
paint job from the
biggest homosexual
club in soho.
It's rough though
when I have to tell
people that I work
stripping at the
gay bar.



After seeing my ex
recently,I think she
misses my loving.
As I walked passed her,she
turned to her mate and
said,"That's him what
a cock."



My girlfriend said
if she could name
a song that described
her perfectly it would
have to be...Like A
Virgin...I said
"Plane or train?"



My grandmother
just reached 105.
That's the last
time I get in the
car when she's
late for bingo.



Did you hear about
the conjoined twins
who went on a driving
holiday abroad so
the one on the left
could have a go.



I always fall
asleep listening
to whale sounds
and noises.
People can fuck
off,Adele is my
guilty pleasure.



The missus hates
it when I wake
up in the morning
with wood.
So she waits until
I go out and plays
with her favourite
toy Buzz.
We need to seriously
have a word about
playing dirty games
with our sons Toy
Story dolls.



Do infants enjoy
infancy as much
as adults enjoy
adultery?



I grew up watching
Trans world sports.
Of course,it meant
something completely
different back then.



I always find it strange
when people try and talk
you out of knowing a girl
by saying,"She'll eat you
alive" because realisically
that's what we all want
ain't it.

[Bikkie]

I just asked Alexa
to play "American Idiot."
I'm now listening to
Donald Trump's lastest
press conference.



Another day of lockdown.
Nothing to do?
Why not try to improve yourself
Take up Buddhist meditation.
It beats sitting around all
day doing bugger all.


Your mama so
black,she went
to night school
and they marked
her absent.



It's not true.You
don't lose your
sex drive after
five years of
marriage.
It just goes from
being automatic to
manual.



My neighbour's
balls keep coming
over the garden
fence.
I wish he'd wank
indoors.



MUSLIMS! When
asked about your
wife's age,answer
in dog years,twenty
eight doesn't sound
that bad.



I have been
running my own
home experiments
trying to solve the
age old question,which
came first the chicken
or the egg?
Well after the practical
recreation trials
where I took a
hands on approach
to gather some
first hand data,I
still have not made
much progress on
the egg but I can
confirm that the
chicken most likely
came at least 2-3
times.



Before The Bee Gees
became pop artists
they were professional
chefs.
You could tell by the
way they used their
wok.



What do
domestic violence
offenders and
drug offenders
have in common?
They both want
one more hit.



Kids should not
run with scissors.
And lesbians
should not scissor
with the runs.



I was in the
bedroom and
going at my wife
hard from behind.
"Thurst harder,
thurst harder!"
she screamed,"OH
yes,the Lube
is working!"
And then three
seconds later,the
fat bitch finally
popped through
our door frame.



The very first day
my wife had her
car,it was unbelievable
when she rear-ended the
vehicle of a crossdressing
bank-executive at a
traffic light.
It was a transgender
lender fender
bender.



I was explaining
to my mate that we
don't use the
word "handicap"
anymore because
it's derogatory.
We now use the word
"disability." "Ok,"
he said,"What's your
golf disability?"



I rang supercheap
up and asked
them if they had
a headlight.
"What is it for?"
asked the salesperson.
I aid,"So I can drive
at night you stupid
cunt."



I got beat in
the final of a
cake making competition
by a 70's soul singer.
She was anita baker.



We were watching a
flim on the telly
when all of a sudden
the bloke lifts the
woman onto the kitchen
top and starts to make
love to her.
"Yeah right." said the
wife,"as if that happens."
"I totally agree" I replied,
"the only thing that ever
gets fucked in our kitchen
is the food."



What's wooden and
sounds like a parrot?
A pallet.



Some people have friends
with benefits!
I just have friends on
benefits!



BLOB: Bird,Lesbian,Or
Bloke?



You shouldn't judge a
person by the colour
of their skin so they
say!
Ironically most days
Judges see people with
coloured skin in
court!!!



Next time you see an
attractive girl on
Instagram,remember-If
you paint black and
white stripes on a
donkey,it might look
like a zebra...It's
still a fucking
donkey.



Never fall out with
the family,you never
know when you might
need a kidney!



I'd like to congratulate
Elon Musk who has named
his babY X AE A-12 in some
bizarre code to represent
where he was conceived.
My parents did something
similar so great minds
and all that.
Sincerely
J-9 M11

[Bikkie]

"Bad Company singer
Brain Anthony Howe
dead at 66 due to
cardiac arrest"
Hopefully he's
in good company now.
R.I.P



"Paddy!" exclaims Mick
"Do you realise we spent
$100 on hiring this fishing
boat and we've only caught
5 fish between us?
That means each fish cost
us $20.
"To be sure" says Paddy.
"At that price thank goodness
we didn't caught any more!"



"Our message during quarantine
is clear," said the political
figure.
We all need to come together
while staying away from each
other.

[Bikkie]

My dealer told me
he's got H,LSD and E
He's not very good at
scrabble after a few
joints.


Love Island 2020 has
been cancelled despite
contestants being
tested.
Nobody was found to
have a personality or
brain.



"Seamus?"
"Yes Paddy?"
"You know how everyone's
saying the price of fuel's
gone down?"
"Yes Paddy"
"And you know I normally
put $40 in my tank."
"Yes Paddy."
"Well,I've just put $40
in my tank and it wasn't
any cheaper."



I couldn't believe it
when I came home and
my big fat wife was
waiting for me naked
on our bed and handcuffed
to all four posts.
I said,"Hey now,I didn't
expect this and quickly
fucked her,and then I
asked why her flat-screen
tv was missing and she
sobbed that she got well
and truly tricked by the
black guy she invited up
to cheat with and he just
cuffed her,took her telly,
and fucked off.



A couple were fined for
breaking the coronavirus
rules by making a 135-mile
trip to a coastal resort
"to smell the sea."
Dude you could've done
that in the bedroom at
home.



Nicola Sturgeon COVID-19 Briefing
Nicola: The first question is
from Jimmy.
Jimmy: "In hospital when COVID
patients deterotate,wher do
they send them?"
Nicola:"ICU Jimmy."


Brian:"How long will it take my bum
to heal Doc?"
Doc:"The end of May?"

[Oakie]

true story ... i was driving through town yesterday with my 13 y.o. grandaughter in the navigator's seat. We were going through the medical precinct and being an image conscious girl she asked if there was a plastic surgeon there too. I said, "No, they're all real surgeons". Oh how I laughed!

[Bikkie]

What did the bull do
when he was cold?
He slipped into a
nice warm jersey.



Just took delivery of
a beauiful 6ft by 4ft
canvas print of myself
in the ring from back in
my boxing days.
I'm that proud of it I
hung it sideways....so
it actually looks like
i'm standing up!!!!



So scotland,wales and
Nortern Ireland stay
at home and England
are out.
Sounds more like the
World Cup Finals.



Learnt a lot from
Jacinda Ardren's
speech.
Namely coronavirus
is bad.



Boris has said water sports
will be allowed from wednesday,but
this message was confusing.
Will prostitutes be pissed off
or pissed on?



Throughout the country,people
will de analyising Jacinda's
speech.
Women will sit there anxiously
thinking about money worries,food
queues,shortage of medication,school
re-opening dates,issues republic
transport usage and work.
Whilst blokes will sit there
thinking "Oh bullocks,pubs still
not open."

[Bikkie]

The new government advice
on coronavirus states
that you can participate
in sport with one person
from outside your household,
so long as social distancing
rules are observed.
Awesome.I'll be able to
resume my favourite sport
with my best mate this
weekend.
Assuming bringe drinking
is classed as a sport.



So from today,separted
couples can now reunite
if they stay 2m apart,
meaning I've text my
ex wife and she's up
for the shag.




Dwight Yorke said
Katie Price loves
mango.
But then he remarked
she prefers man come.



I met a girl at a
party and she said,
"Come outside and
I'll show you a
good time."
So we went outside
and she ran 100 metres
in 9.79 seconds.



At least 35 people have
died in Mexico,the latest
in a series of mass bad
alcohol poisonings since
the country banned beer
sales and many towns
banned the sale of
liquor.
More corona victims?

[Bikkie]

A kangaroo walks into
a bar.
The barman says,"Wallaby?"



"Boxing coach who throttled
ex-girlfriend in drunken
rage avoids jail."
His lawyer said it was
tollay out of character.
Usually he pinches her.



Whats the difference between
James Bulger and the Duracell
Bunny?
When batterys are inserted
the Bunny starts running.



my wife and daughter opened
up a package last night and
unbelievably it was the new
"feminist" board game
"Ms Monoply," where the men
start with and make less
money,and they insisted I
sit down and play it with
them.
Sure enough,it wasn't long
before I picked up the iron.
and I steamed my fat wife's
face with it.



Phillip Schofield shuts
down speculation over
new relationship as he
posts a snap of family
friend!
It's an old relationship.


So ABBA'S Waterloo has
been voted as the greatest
Eurovision song of all time
but they never mentioned
who came 2nd and 3rd.
I guess it's just a case
of the winner takes it
all.

[Bikkie]

Cricket Bat.
Used to be a key piece
of sporting equipment.
Now it's the set menu
in my local Chinese
restuarant



Austalian pop idol winner
Casey Donovan has performed
the first drive-thru gig and
has encouraged crowd interaction
with the use of car horns.
I just fitted a new horn from
a P&O cruise ship to my car so
hurry the fuck up Bieber.



Everytime I turn
on the central heating
I can't help singing
that Glenn Frey song.
Oh-wo-ho ( Tell me can
you feel it ) (Tell me
can you feel it ) ( Tell
me can you feel it)
The heating's.....ON



The vagina Museum in London
is closing due to the virus.
Katie Price take note.



The wife asked me to make
videos of the swallows in
our barn.
The hardest thing will be
keeping the camera still
as I point it down to
her head.



Earth's magnetic field is WEAKNING
between Africa and south America,
causing satellites and GPS to
malfunction.
I explained to my wife,when she
found me at her sisters.



Do gay muslims observe
Ram a Man?



US Navy: Any Iranian ship
within 100 yards will be
fired upon.
Sounds just like my restraing
order.



I remember when I was in
infent school and I was
misbehaving and the teacher
said,"if you carry on I'm
going to phone your dad and
get him down here."
I got so excited because
I'd never met him before.

[Bikkie]

So much for clapping
for the NHS,I tried
it last night and the
nurses and doctors just
gave me filthy looks.
Then security removed
me from the operating
theatre.



I said to my gran,"When
grandad was alive he once
told me he was in the
army SAS"
She said,"he was a lying
cunt,what he meant was
he drunk in the British
Legion on a saturday And
Sunday."


Just went online to check
my credit rating.
It came back saying
"very poor" I thought
I know I am but what's
my credit rating?



If oral hygiene is so
important why do dentists
have plaques on their walls?



"Big girls don't cry"
sang Frankie Valli once.
Well Frankie,I've found
that if you tell them
what fat sweaty stinking
bitches they are,it always
make them cry.



I've written a song
containing diet tips
for the larger girls.
It's called
"Big Girls Don't Fry."



The Iceman cometh.
He totally ignored
my "No Cold Callers"
sign.



Post-lockdown chat up lines

1-What disinfectant are you wearing?

2-Why don't we slip into something less protective?

3-Until I saw you,I was just bored stiff.

4-Why don't we get A Zoom?

5-My PPE? It's made of boyfriend material.

6-Would you handle my package if I left it outside for 2 days?

7-I have bog roll.



Weather woman Carol Kirkwood
in Hospital after being knocked
down whilst cycling.
"All I remember is seeing this
massive pair of headlights coming
towards me" said the car driver.



"You're horrible you think
very little of me."
Yelled my wife.
"Not true in the slightest,"
I think you're fucking huge."



Dominic Cummings in trouble
after traveling 260 miles
during lockdown.
In scotland The Proclaimers
admit they walked double
that.



Paddy:"They say phones
can spread the virus".
Murphy:"That's why I don't
answer mine-you don't know
if the caller is infected?"



I've been watching these
porn videos where a fit
stepmum fucks her son
after she catches him
wanking.
Don't try it.I'm the
omly cunt in the hospital
who isn't there for
coronavirus.

[Bikkie]

Queen guitarist,Brian May
has revealed that the
rentless pain he suffered
due to a torn muscle in
his gluteus maximus was
actually intensified by
having a heart attack.
I suppose you could say
it was a right royal pain
in the arse.



Dominic Cummings career is going
the same way as Brian May's arsehole.
Left in tatters...



Dominic Cummings said he drove
to Barnard Castle to test his
eyesight.
He should've gone to SpecSavers.





Girls

Want a man with muscles and a six pack?

Good luck with that.

He'll be in the gym five nights a week.

Then one night shaving himself completely.

Then one night oiling himself completely.

He'll have women falling all over him.

He'll have gays falling all over him.

He'll look in the mirror more than you will.

He'll use more products than you will.

He'll pluck his eyebrows more than you will.

And he'll have a tiny cock.




If your thinking about a
hoilday abroad Fly to
spain,Return by dingy
from France
No quarantine,Job done.



I got stopped by the police earlier.
The copper said,"I can smell alcohol
on your breath."
I said,"That's because your not
observing the 2 metre rule you
twat."



I'm 1/16th cherokee...
Not by ancestry,but because
I got into a terrible accident
in my jeep and the doctors were
unable to remove all the
sharpnel.



"Don't touch that," I
cautioned,"It's deadly
nightshade!"
"It's just an everyday
weed",replied Leroy,"and
quit calling me Nightshade!"



My girlfriend told me to
do naughty,dirty things
to her last night.
So I hid her bank card
and shat in her handbag.



Tik Tok.

Because we haven't quite seen
enough cunts on the internet.



I got bullied at school until
I learned to bob and weave.
Being a good hairdresser made
me popular with the girls so
the guys had to leave me alone
or they wouldn't get laid.

[Bikkie]

They say a rolling stone
gathers no moss.
They obviously haven't
seen Keith Richards
teeth.



A mate asked if I'd
had sex on a bouncy
castle?
I said,"Yeah,but my
wife doesn't like
it when I call her
that."



I had to fire my Ethiopian
custodian where I work.
Everytime he needed to
refill his mop bucket
he walked to the next
town to do it.



We've been told to stay
away from aggressive
rats.
How can we avoid the
government at the
moment?



My wife sent me some
nude pictures today.
I texted back,"Look
sexy babe."
she said,"Really?"
I replied,"Yes please
do."



Just bought myself
a log burner...
I fucking love a
good vindaloo.

[Bikkie]

I saw a woman last night,that
used to babysit me years ago.
After pleasantries,I said,"You
know I'd have definitely given
you one,when I was younger."
she said,"Awwww,how about now?"
I said,"I don't know how I'd
score your babysitting skills
now,I'd have to see you in
action."



Acting crime and victims commissioner
for Durham police,Steve White said,"Policing
works on trust."
None of us will come up with anything
funnier.



A Priest,a Rabbit and a Minister
walk into a bar.
The barman asked the Rabbit,"What
do you want?"
The Rabbit replied,"I don't know,I'm
only here because of autocorrect!"



Faith No More keyboardist Roddy Bottum's
Man On Man project unveils debut single
"Daddy"
He must have discovered something that
medical science has been missing if he
managed to make a Daddy from Man On Man
project.



Where do Russian muslims pray?
Mosgue O.



My wife's just finished a
12-hour shift.
I knew she'd find second gear
eventually.



My girlfriend was wanking me
off in bed last night until
I said,"Stop playing with
your food.



How many Welshmen can you fit in a mini?
I don't know but what a stupid name
for a sheep.

Wales is the only country in the world
where sheep are allowed to take out
restraing orders.

A Welsh peadophiles favourite meal
is a nice bit of lamb.

If in Wales,don't forget to support
the sex workers.
Ewe know you want too.

In Wales,a sheepdog is usually the
ugly one in the flock.

The most common name of the third
party in Welsh divorce proceedings
is Dolly.


Welshmen don't go down on their
wive's or girlfriends because they
prefer the smelll of lamb or fish.

There is no Welsh category under
racism,obviously,admin are all
Welsh and are to busy fucking
sheep to be bothered.



The shops in town are starting
to reopen.
Just in time for liquidation
sale.



As the Lockdown continues to
be eased,two of the major
supermarkets have re-opened
onsites cafes.
To meet strict social distancing
rules though,each person must
sit on separate tables and be
at least 5 metres from anyone else.
Which is great news for married men
out shopping with their wives.



Strip club reopens with 'masks on,clothes
off' party-but owner admits 'risk'
It feels like highway robbery at the
best of times.



CNN reports that the Navajo Nation
has the highest per capita covid
prooblem in the United States,and
they are having to fight it without
running water.
My best wishes to Running Water's
family & friends.



It's so funny watching the
women doing the Egg,Sugar
and shot challenge...straight
away you can see who the gaggers
and swallowers are.



South Korean team Fc Seoul
fill their empty stands wth
'SEX DOLLS' in place of fans.
Never heard so much moaning.



My girlfriend said to me when
I picked her up from work today.
"When was the last time you had
sex with someone that wasn't me?"
I said,"Before we met."
She smiled,"Aw really? That's
so sweet."
"Yes," I replied,"About 20 minutes
ago."



"What an arsehole" said my wife
Admiring my admittedly slendid
arsehole.



The wife said I do the worst
impression of a beer can being opened
pfft.



The wife and I are adhering to
social distancing keeping two
metres apart.
We've never been so close.



Woman: you shuoldn't drink,it's
gonna kill you.

Me: So if I stop drinking I'll
liver forever?

Woman: No...

Me: ( Drinks )

[Bikkie]

I miss the 1970s,a more
innocent time.
You never saw an angry
Lego man in those days,they
were all on acid.



My girlfriend has almond eyes.
Nutty.



Peter Dockrill of Science Alert
has recently published an article
stating: We might finally understand
why Glass Frogs have strangely
transparent skin.
I'm not exactly David Attenborough,but
could it because glass is transparent.



I love my home cinema system
so much,I named it.
When watching films,I make sure
I have the Susan surround sound on.
( Taxi ordered )



I arrived at the gym and said
hello to this girl as I walked
in.
She said,"That's out of order!"
I said "Sorry,I didn't mean to
cause any offence"
"No" she said,"Lizzo just used
the treadmill,it's out of order."



My wife says I'm useless with
our finances and totally inept
at managing our accounts.
Well shes about to be proven
so wrong!
Just received a letter from IRD
complimenting me on my taxes.
They say they're outstanding.



I just ordered a load of cystomised
fortune cookies I've had them done
in Braill so the blind can enjoy
them.
They will read:"Nothing is written."



Paddy accidently kills his Dad's sister
in a fit of drunken rage 10 years ago
and buried her body in the woods...
Now he's shitting himself because
somebody has invented a test to detect
Auntybodies.



The amount of fake news nowadays is
unPresidented.

[Bikkie]

Has anyone experienced the
first mornings breakfast on
a cruise ship when you meet
your allocated dining couples...

The newlywed husband..."Can you
please pass the sugar,sugar?"

The Yank husband..."Will you
pass the honey,honey?"

By now and with the wife
glaring,my turn..."Oi pass the teabag."



If it wasn't for the Americans we'd all be
speaking German now.
Can you imagine having to deal with all those
mis-spelled words and weird accents?



I think Gwyneth Paltrow must be suffering
from Alzheimer's.
I mean she called her daughter Apple but
created a candle smelling of Fanny?



In THE NEWS: The WHO has warned that the
coronavirus "may never go away," and that
even if a vaccine is found,controlling the
virus will require "massive effort"
Yeh,as if I am going to listen to a geriatric
rock band from the 60's
Oi,Roger Daltry,control your band members
please and stay out of public health
messages!



Better out than in my old grandad used to say.

Great bloke,shit Tennis coach.

[Bikkie]

I posted today on Social Media a video of the
contents of my larder.
All my friends,family and followers
commended me on being vegan,Gluten Free
and lactose-free based on food within.
Little did they know this was all that was
fucking left on the shelves to stockpile after
all the other cunts stockpiled the good stuff.



It occurred to me that the phrase"splitting
hairs" could be applied to the tender act of
boning.



My dad told me "If you ever get
some big cunt starting shit with
you in the pub,to make sure the
prick stays down,get a pool ball
and stick it in your sock."
Worst advice ever,the big twat
beat the shit out of me I could
hardly stand up let alone
fight.



My drug dealer is a funny guy.
He cracks me up.



As lockdown restrictions ease,I'm
wondering if I should go out and
expose myself.



I can't believe it,the value of
our house has shot up since I
started to learn how to play
the bagpipes during lockdown.
All the pakis on the street moved
out.



I'm a sex addict,but recently
I've been doing cold turkey.
Until it occured to me to warm
it up in the microwave first

[Bikkie]

Pall bearers and social distancing.
How does that work?



World Health Organistion is to
change.
WHO stands for Wuhan Hiding
Officals.



Wife and I went to the
store with our mask on,
got home took off mask,
and brought home the
wrong wife...pay
attention people!!!



Thinking a
mask is going
to stop corona
is like thinking
your undies will
stop a fart.



ALERT!!

The CoronaVirus Can Be Spread
Through Money.So If u Have Money
At Home,Put All The Money into a
Plastic Bag N Put it Outside The Front
Door.I'm Collecting All The Bags
Toninght For Safety.The Virus Doesn't
Spread Through Coins So Keep Those.
Just Doing What I Can.




Never in my
wildest dreams
did I imagine
I'd go up to
a Bank teller
with a mask on
asking for money.

[Bikkie]

I was walking up the road when I heard this
really loud rattling sound appoarching.
As I turned around I saw the police chasing
a dakie.
#black knives clatter.



I was wondering if people are born with a
photographic memory?
Or do they take time to develop?



I said to this fat black woman eating a Big
mac that hypertension and heart disease
were the biggest killers of black people in
America.
She said,"Really,I thought it was
the police."



A shop assistant fiercely fought off a armed
robber with a labelling gun,yesterday.
Police are now looking for a man and say
there's a price on his head.



Where do scientists cut skulls into four same
sized chunks?
At the headquarters.



So,it turns out the coronavirus discriminates
against black people.
Well,it is chinese after all.



My gardner suggested I plant bamboo to
"add interest."
It certainly did.My gardens full of fucking
pandas.



'Britain's biggest family keep busy in
lockdown as mum-of-22,Sue Radford,makes
slime with her kids'.
Ironic as it was "making slime" with her
other half that got her into this situation
in the first place.



There was a wog working on a building site
and one day he was so pissed off with all the
other workers calling him "wog" that he
complained to the foreman.
The foreman called a meeting of all the other
workers and simply said,"Mick,Mack,Paddy,Whack,
leave the wog alone.



Brian May's new torn buttocks Queen Remixes.

Bumhemian Rhapsody

Ripped Bottom Girls

Arselona



My fat wife said she would like to
start experimenting in the bedroom,so
I did what any good husband would do
and bought her a chemistry set.

[Bikkie]

"Those who do not remember
the past are condemned to
repeat it."

( George Santayana )


"Those who fail to learn from
history are condemned to
repeat it."

( Winston Churchhill )


"Those who delete history will
inevitably repeat it."

( Every male sharing an electronic device )



Domino's contact free serivce
is like Catholic foreplay.
They don't mind touching,as
long as it's just the Tip.



I've asked Rod Stewart to pick my lottery
numbers for next week as I think he may have
psychic powers.
Afterall he did predict two female priminsters
when he wrote Maggie May.



All kids are racist now.
Text them three times and you get.

K

K

K

[Bikkie]

When I was growing up
my uncle would regale
us with stories of being
in Vietnam,looking for
charlie eveywhere.
Fucking cokehead.



Prince Philips 99...
Tasted alright

[Bikkie]

British exports will be just fine once we're out
of the EU.
We're already sent two cases of Corona to
New Zealand this week.



My missus promised to suck my dick if I
bought her a new Dyson,and fair play to her
she kept her promise.
Although she did need to turn the power
down a little.



My wife said she'd leave me if I cheated
on her.
Always nice to know.



The SPCA have banned me from having a
dog because I was constantly getting him
high as a kite.
I'm also banned from flying kites in the local
park as well.



Years ago,before we had kids,sitting on the
sofa on a friday night with the wife,all
excited and getting ready for some action,she
said to me:"Haven't done this for awhile..It's
a bit...um...rusty.Rub in some vaseline."
I reluctantly did as she asked,but then she
said:"No,more than that.So it can slide in easily"
So,I again did as she asked.
Anyway,long story short,that was the VCR
fucked,movie night ruined,and to this day I
still haven't seen "Rambo."



People always point out the eerie similarites
between Abraham Lincoln and JFK,such as
Lincoln being shot in Fords Theatre and JFK
being shot in a Lincoln Continental made by
Ford,but they always leave out the most
obvious one.
The big fucking holes in the back of each of
their heads.


Every time I turn on the
central heating I can't
help singing that Glenn Frey
song.
Oh-wo-ho ( Tell me can you feel it )
( Tell me can you feel it )
( Tell me can you feel it )
The heating's.....ON

[Bikkie]

I've heaed of Aloe vera : I suppose it's now
Goodbye Vera.


Vera Lynn's hit reworked for 2020
...They'll be illegal immigrants climbing
over,the white cliffs of dover.

[Bikkie]

Now this a story all about how

My life got flipped-turned upside down

And I'd like to take a minute

Just sit right there

I'll tell you how I became the Prince of a town

called Nowhere


In west Minneapolis born and raised

On welfare was where I spent most of my

days


Shootin'up drugs was totally cool

Stealing and dealin'there was no need for

school

When a stupid white cop who was up to no

good

Knelt on the neck of a guy from the

neighbourhood

Next thing you know we is riotin'albet with a

certain flair

When a homie said,"Hey wanna become the

Prince of the town of Nowhere?"


Burning an'rioting going on day after day

But I looted plenty of stash so I'm A OK

Cops disappeared I was free as a bird

Weak local mayor startin'cryin' like a turd


Moved to the suburbs?

Their houses have a touch of class

Is this what the peolpe of Bel-Air living like?

Hmm,this might be alright

But wait I hear they're prissy bourgeois,all

that

Is this the type of place for a dirty hoodrat?

I think so

I'm just gonna'steal my share

I hope they're prepared for the Prince of

nowhere

[Bikkie]

Pubs to open 4th July...now
come on Boris,go one further,when
can I get some hookers round and
can I catch Covid snorting coke
off her tits?



Time to open my new chip shop
in Glasgow.
"Mack Fries Batter."



I love living life on the edge.
For the past eight weeks ,I've
only washed my hands for 19 seconds
at a time.

[Bikkie]

"I've been walking round my
garden for two weeks running."
"So which was it?"



Maori social distancing only robbing
houses that are two metres apart.



The 30 year old blonde bint was
bigging it up on karaoke night to
"I will survive" when she duddenly
got her period.
She soon left with her trail
between her legs.



I told my wife that I had been
sleeping so well when we were in lockdown.
It must have been the "feel relaxed"
shower gel you had been using before
you went to bed she said.
And there was me thinking it was
because I was having a crafty wank
in the shower...shows how
much I know.


"Everytime I clap my hands a child
in Africa dies," said Bono a few
years ago.
Can you imagine how many niggers
the NHS has kiilled recently then?

[Bikkie]

Happy Independnce Day
to all of America.
It was on this day
in history that a
group of ordinary
slave-owning aristocrats
took a stand and decided
that no longer shall they
pay tax!
It brings a tear to the eye.



Happy Independce Day!
Or as it was called in
Britian,Happy fuck it
we'd rather keep
India day!



"How are you celebrating
Independence day this year?"
"Fighting the Alien" "Oh,what
an original joke..." "I'm
not joking...I've just taken
a load of fucking
Mushrooms."

[Bikkie]

Mexico has just closed its borders with the
states...
Irony.



News Report

Donald Trump has insisted he would be
willing to wear a facemask in public-saying
they make him look like the Lone Ranger.
When questioned afterwards Tonto was
heard to comment "white man speak with
forked tongue."



I bet Trumps a bit jealous that Putin has just
bagged himself another 16 years in power.
Better than having 16 weeks.



A distant relative died and I'm due for an
inheritance.
It's a long trip,but when there's a will
there's a way.



"Hey Paddy!"

"Yes Mick"

"Paddy,what starts with a W and ends with a T"

Long pause.

"Yes Mick,it does."

[Bikkie]

The wife had a hell of a shock on our
wedding night.
She thought she was marrying an arsenal fan
not an arsehole fan.



Not only would the toilet not flush,but it
seems I am now banned from Bunnings
for life!



Kayne West announce bid to challenge
Trump for 2020 presidency with his
wife Kim Kardashian.
We have the KKK in the westwing.



The BET Awards celebrate black
achievements in entertainment
and honours music,sports,television
and movies.
There's no point searching for
ours,we don't want to be
WET.


'Canterbury Cathedral reopens with
unisex toilets to help maintain
distancing.'
Not sure how the ladies are going
to cope with the urinals.

[Bikkie]

Has anybody ever tried to be modest with
cake and said,"Only a slither for me thanks"
and then got back to their table and not said
"Have you seen what that tight bastard gave
me?"



Philip Scholfield an alcoholic,and a
chainsmoker are in a car when they run over
a black cat
The cat belongs to a witch who is furious,she
spits a curse out.
"May you suffer never to enjoy that which you
love the most,or you end up like my cat,and
be dead also."
The men think she's a batty old woman and
pull into a pub.
The alcholic has one sip of whiskey and
falls down dead.
The other two leave the pub in shock,
suddenly a passing man drops a half smoked
cigarette on the ground.
Philip Schofield looks at the chainsmoker
and says "If you bend down to pick that up
we're both fucking dead mate."



If the members of the GO-GO's had their
vaginas sewn up,would that give new
meaning to the song title "Our Lips Are
Sealed?"

[Bikkie]

Tik Tok has been banned in India.
I knew it was just a matter of
time.



There was a slicked-back haircut in
the sixties known as the DA.
Which stood for Duck's Arse.
It wasn't as popular as the BA though.
That was the world's favourite hairline.



Just found out what KFC stands for.
Kill Fuckin Chickens.



I couldn't believe it when I heard
the military is wearing blaceface
during operations.
I thought soldiers are trying NOT
to get shot?




How can people claim the military
isn't racist when it conducts all
nigt exercises in blackface?



I took my blind girlfriend to a
concert,and during the interval
she turned towards me
and with her eyes flicking all
over the shop like they do,she
said "Isn't life curel?
I was born blind and you were born
without a nail on your thumb.

[Bikkie]

I was on an American film website discussing
the new Bond Film and decided for a laugh to
say that in the next Bond,the villain will be a
mix of Blofelt and oddjob.
I spent the next 16 hours explaining to a yank
that,no the new villain wasn't going to be
called oddfelt.



I find it odd that so many people like to say
"I'm a person of colour"
Black isn't a colour,its a shade.
Do you want to be known as a shady person?
Didn't think so.



Lewis Hamilton has stated the Austrian
Grand Prix had ups and downs in terms of
performance.
A mixed race then.



I wondered why my new girlfriend's nickname
was The Juggler.
Until my mates told me she like one up,one
down,and one in her hand.



If you believe that "Colour Doesn't
Matter" try arguing with your wife when
choosing wallpaper.



Did you know that,every year,more people
die of trips and falls in their bathrooms than
have ever been killed by terrorists?
Seems sensible to me.
I mean how many terrorists hang out in
people's bathrooms?

[Bikkie]

Apparently Amber Heard took a "Lone Ranger"
on Johnny Depp's bed.



I asked my wife "Why are you always
screaming and throwing shit at me?
You're like Johnny Depp's ex!"
she said "I just want to make myself
Heard!"



Hong Kong: Chinese ambassador warn UK
Over 'Interference.
Are they sending Gary Glitter?



I couldn't believe I got told off
and ordered to leave a store over
the mask policy even though I
had my face covered.
I protested,"A Klan hood will work
as well as any other."



Hoods and masks were the normal apparel
for robbers.When it is a real requirement
to cover your face,will bare-faced robbery
be the ultimate crime?



Convicted drug dealer,Jack Speed,led police
on a 100mph chase through Brimingham.
He certainly lives up to his name.

[Bikkie]

My therapist says I need to let go of
my obsession with the past.
To be fair,I am an archaeologist.



In a survey,Scandinavian dyslexics
couldn't say if their favourite pop
group was Abba or A-ha.



My wife told me that she'd
always wanted to ride a horse.
Judging by the size of her cunt,I
thought she already had.



If a fire alarm business can go up in
smoke,and a plumbers business can
go down the drain,can a hooker get
laid off?



My girlfriend told me I had to give up
drinking,so I joined the AA.
Unforunately,I joined the Automobile
Association by mistake.
At least either way I'm on the road to
recovery.



Great news about petrol prices being
under $2. Plus,it won't take as long to
fill up the tank now.



Next time you are out with your mates,sometime
after lockdown is eased a bit more.
Suddenly yell "Look at that dead bird."
See how many of them look up!


Taylor swift should interrupt Kaynes
presidency speech.
If it ends,that is.



I see a news story the other day about the
BLM Campaingners complaining about the
lack of black actors on TV.
What a load of rubbish.
My wife loves watching the true life
crime stories that have the re-enactments
of the crime and there's a lot of black
actors in them.

[Bikkie]

I got drunk and chatted up this bird down the
pub.
"You remind me of Bob Dylan,"she said.
"What?" I replied,"Profound and poetic?"
"No," she said,"I can hardly understand a
fucking word you are saying."



I know about the Birds and the Bees.
Divorcing my last bird I got stung.



Is Cilla Black?

Is Barry White?

Is Marvin Gaye?

Asking for a friend as Stevie Wonder.





My wife finally convinced me I need flowering
Japanese Jasmine in the garden.
I was holding out for de-flowering Japanese
Jasmine in the bedroom.



Princess Beatrice given away by
Prince Andrew.
I bet he hated giving a child
away.



Beatrice's wedding was a breath of fresh air
for Prince Andrew.
For once,it wasn't someone else's daughter
giving him away.




Princess Beatrice given away by Prince
Andrew.
I bet he hated giving a child away.



After her wedding day,Princess Beatrice
said she was looking forward to having kids.
Follows after her dad then.



'Disgraced Andrew airbrushed
out of Beatrice wedding photo's'
A nice change from Prince Andrew
doing the touching-up.



As the rest of the family was watching
the telly I said,"I don't remember that
wedding scene from the 'Gremlins'"....then
they all just hissed at me it was coverage
of the marriage of Princess Beatrice.




I was in the newsagents this morning and
noticed that Princess Beatrice was on the
cover of all the newspapers and magazines
apart from Horse and Hound
which is a bit ironic.







Cryptic crossword clue.7
letters.
Yorkshire native
describing the offence
and number of
accusations against
Prince Andrew.
Umpteen.



My brother's married to a useless dog.
She's a shit Sue.



I saw a black man in my local pharmacy
today,he said,"I've had a migraine for hours
and I keep coughing."
Thr pharmacist said,"Have you taken
anything?"
"No,not yet I haven't" he replied.
The pharmacist said,"Well I don't fucking
believe you empty your pockets you thieving
black bastard!"

[Bikkie]

( first day at owl sanctuary )

ME: I think you mean "whom" lol

OWL: Fuck off



My bloody wife telling me I've never felt pain
because I've never experienced child birth.
Well sweetheart,you've never caught your
cock in your zip.



I'm not saying my wife's thick.
But she thinks a Vendetta is a
block of icecream.



Some words sounding similar can be
confusing.
For example,Entropy and Atropy.
Entropy is simply a measure how
much the energy of atoms and
molecules become more spread out
in a process and can be defined
in terms of statistical probabilites.
Whereas Atropy,is what you get if you
win something.

[Bikkie]

The B.L.M movement are so parnoid they
have said that they wish to exterminate
every single pigeon off the face of the
earth.
When asked why a spokesperson said,"Come
on,Everyone knows they are racist saying
look at the coon look at the coon."



How does Mick Hucknall make the most
of a blowjob?
Holding back the ears.



"I'm fucked.I was up four times last
night to change nappies."
"I didn't know you'd had a baby."
"I haven't...grandma's staying
with us."



Nostradomus said Yellow people will take
over the world.
How the fuck did he know about the
simpsons?



I'm not saying Paddy's thick but he he thought
equilibrium was a horse tranquilizer.



Cardiacs frontman,Tim Smith
has died age 59 of a ......Yep
you guessed it.
The remaining members of the
band are set to release a
cover version of Alanis Morissette's
'Ironic' as a special tribute.

[Bikkie]

If Kate Middleton had married king Henry
the VIII he would have had 3 kids,2 sons and
a daughter straight off the bat,no messing
about getting an heir to the throne.
No need to remarry and divorce or behead
5 of his 6 wives.
No need to create the church of England,therefore
no need for wars with France and Spain,no
gunpowder plot,no English civil war or religious
persecution throughout the ages,and peace in
Northern Ireland.
What a selfish bitch!



Is a Russian wedding also known as a
soviet union?




To be happy with a man,you must understand
him a lot and love him a little,To be happy
with a woman,you must love her a lot and not
try to understand her at all.



A bite from the Brazilian Wandering spider
can cause an erection lasting up to
four hours.
You'd have to be a pretty sick puppy to
get turned on by that,kind of thing,though.

[Bikkie]

Kim says that Kayne doesn't take medication
because it changes who he is.
A nutter



I don't trust that Kayne West...
He looks like he could steal this election.


Oh Lord won't you buy me a Merceds-Benz
It's built by white honkies we must make
amends.
Do you know any Nig-Nogs who can bring
their friends.
To replace the honkies at Merceds-Benz.
copywright-Lewis Hamilton 2020



I wasn't sure how to tell the girl I was
incontinent,when she said she was keen
on martial arts.
Me too! I said.I've got a yellow belt.



The phrase,"Look both ways when you
cross the road" has taken on a new
meaning since men started wearing makeup.



People who say,"I thought to myself..."
Who the fuck else can you think to?



What's Meghan Markles favour wine?
"Why can't I be an English princess?"



I was in my local corner shop and asked
the man behind the counter,"How long
have you been a paki shop owner?"
"Don't call me that" he said.."and by
the way,you're wrong anyway,you just
made an assumption about me."
"I'm sorry" I said..."You're right"...
"So,how long have you been a paki
franchisee?"



I was paying a prostitute and the bill
was over $90.I said "Can I swipe?"
she said "no,you'll have to
insert it."



Prince Harry 'is less intelligent' than
Meghan Markle and 'goes along with
whatever she says'.



"Have you found anywhere for Paddy's stag
do,Seamus?"
"Yeah-Egpt.I booked it because of
the strip club."
"Oh right.Which one?"
"The pyramind for geezers."



I've just finished building a model
Mount Everest.
My mate asked "Is it to scale?"
"No" I replied,"It's to look at.



Black childern are almost 3.5 time more
likely to die after surgery as white childern,
according to the lastest study to show clear
disparities in medical care between black
and white patients.
To be fair,they're much more likely to be in
hosiptal because of gunshot wounds.



My girlfriend stunned me when she said we
could see other people.
It took all the fun out of fucking
her sister.



The wife wanted three new pans so I
thought I'd treat her.
How was I to know she didn't mean
marzi,bed and Busco?

[Bikkie]

"Your pussy is great," I told her,while
we fucked.
"Go deeper!" she yelled.
"Your pussy has always had a place
in my heart and I don't think I could
live without it."
Slightly lowered her arousal.



I went to the library and asked the
libarian if they had any books on
Gyneclogy.
"Let me take a look." he said.
"Yeah,that's the one." I replied.



Does anyone know if I can buy clothes
pegs online?



Some people are life-sucking,energy-draining,
negative bags of annoying hell.
The others are callled men.



The clitoris has almost 8,000 nerve endings.
But it's still not as sensitive as the woman
it's attached to.



The ideal man comes home early,doesn't
come first,doesn't complain doesn't cheat,
doesn't drink,doesn't smoke,doesn't gamble
and doesn't exist.



I got sacked from my job at the undertakers
as I was always late for work.
I'm just not a mourning person.



Thanks to our mutual dislikes of newspaper
puzzles,my wife and I have enjoyed a long
and happy marriage.
Thirty years and not a crossword.



Women speak an average of 20,000 words a
day,with nothing being the most used.
Men speak an average of 17,000 words a day,with
what's the matter,being the most used 3, followed
by periods of silence.



Confucius he say: Man who take a fishing rod
into pawn shop is angling for a loan.



The sex on my wedding night was the best
ever.
I often wonder what happened to that
barmaid.



My wife was trying to log into her favourite
fashion website."I can't remember my four
letter pincode," she frowned,"What do you
reckon I'd have used? It must hane been'
something obvious...."
I said "Try XXXL."



After a long commute I rushed past
my wife and ran up the stairs to the
bathroom.
"Can't stop love," I shouted."I'm
about to piss myself>"
"Oh yeah?" she called after me.
"Toilets out of order on the train
again?"
"No", I called back."I've just seen
the way you parked the car."

[Bikkie]

Peter Green walks into a
fast food restaurant.
The girl behind the counter
says,"Big Mac?"



So Peter Green,one of
Fleetwood Mac's founders
has died or are they just
Rumours?

[Bikkie]

Rachel Riley is boycotting Twitter for 48
hours.
She wasn't exactly tweeting pics of her
gaping asshole beforehand so I doubt she'll
be missed.



Jonny Depp: What did Amber's lawyer say?

Jonny Depp's lawyer: He said your anger is
based on misogyny.

Jonny Depp: Who's this Miss O'Ginny?
Did I hit her too?



"Taylor Swift announces a surprise studio
album."
You can say that again,but I don't think her
fans will appreciate her dueting with
Ted Nugent.



Irony: When a U.S Senator who says slavery
was "necessary evil."
Is named Tom Cotton.




In Arkansas,Senator
Tom Cotton has caused
controversy by decribing
slavery as a necessary
evil.
Come election day,I
doubt many black folks in
Arkansas will be picking
cotton.


A cat has been tested positive for
Coronavirus...
Paw thing...I hope it gets FURloughed? As I'm
guessing it won't be allowed Meowt for a
while.



A cat has been confirmed to be infected with
Covid-19
The UK'S chief veterinary officer has
confirmed there is no evidence to suggest
that it could transmit the disease to people,
to the delight of the husband and childern of
Sophie Ellis-Bextor.



I love threesomes so much I moved to
Middlesex.



Primates at Knowsley Safari Park in
Merseyside have been spotted carrying
knives,screwdrivers and chainsaws.
Nice to finally see movement in the work
front up there.



I don't agree with the people who claim that
Donald Trump is showing signs of cognitive
decline.
He was always a fucking idiot.

[Bikkie]

With the Washington Redskins American
fotball team and The Exeter Chiefs Rugby
union team having to change their names
because of Political correctness,what
are the New Zealand All Blacks Rugby
Union Team going to change their name
to?



I've just lost my job as an icecream tester.
I couldn't do sundaes....



I almost got into the SAS,I failed on one
question.
They said,"Imagine the scenario...terrorists
have taken hostages,they're holding them in
an embassy-what are your preferred
tactics?"
I replied,"The orange ones."



I entered a head to head mesturbation
competition the other day.
We tossed to decide who went first.
After that neither of us really felt like
competing.



A scammer phones up a Jewish family.
"Hello?" asks the Jewish man.
"Sir," says the scammer,"there's been some
suspicious activity on your credit card."
"There was!" panics the Jewish man.
"Yes,someone's actually been spending
money"...



Snuggling up on the sofa,my wife asked,
"After 15 years,can you imagine being
married to anyone else nut me?"
30 minutes later I shook myself and said,
"Sorry love what was that?"



Helped my neighbour move some stuff this
morning and I accidently dropped his glass
chess set breaking most of the peices....with
that I offered to pay for it and he asked how I
was going to pay...I said
cheque mate.



If his political advisors want Trump to wear a
mask,they should make one out of Ivanka's
panties.
He'll never take it off.



My eight month pregnant wife recently
mentioned to me that she'd quite like to have
a baby shower.
So the next time we had sex I spunked on
her face.


The English Government are offering people $100
to get their old bikes repaired in a bid to get
the U.K more healthy!
All the black people will be happy to know
they can now get their stolen bikes fully
serviced for free!

[Bikkie]

Elton John's ex-wife
claims they DID try
to have childern but
struggled to conceive.
Once,he nearly made it
into the vagina,she said.



Just got mugged by a
prostitute
She was giving me a blow
job,then bang! Caught me
with a uppercut.
Talk about a sucker
punch.



Human sperm roll like
'palyful otters'as they
swim,study finds.
That's why it's always best
to wait until she's as wet
as an otter's pocket.


just got an email from my
car insurance company
asking,"If you only had
one gallon of fuel,how
would you use it?"
Torching maori's wasn't the
sort of answer they were
looking for.
Can anyone recommend
a new insurance company
please?



Some maori's has stolen
all the bus stop signs
from our street.For fuck
sake,where do these
people get off?



I was given the task of making sure no one
touched a fence that had just been painted,and
do you know what?
It was like watching cricket.



I once took a girl to see star wars
on a date.
I really wanted to Leia,but she wouldn't
even give me a chewie.



The english pandemic is taking almost
as long as it takes American to get to
the point on YouTube video.



Doctor's examining Katie Price after her leg
break,say she has a nasty horrible crack,that
needs filling in.
And she's broke her feet as well.




Katie Price confned to wheelchair.
Just how big was that cock?




Katie Price's doctor has advised her to spend
at least 6 weeks lying on her back
with her feet elevated.
No change there then.



Katie Price has broken both ankles
where's she going to keep her
knickers now?



Katie Price has broken both her ankles-presumably
from the force of her fucking legs
finally snapping closed.



Katie Price confirms she is unable to walk
for 'more than six months' after breaking
BOTH her ankles and feet.
"What the fuck can I do," she asked,"Laying
around all day with my legs open."



Katie Price has had that many cocks.
Her uterus knows to move to the side itself
when her legs open.


Katie Price is obeying social distancing rules.
She is keeping her ankles 2 meters apart.



Katie Price has got cracks in her bones.
She usually has bones in her crack.



As soon as I came in from work today my
wife threw her arms around me and
whispered in my ear."I'm so glad you're
home,my panties have been wet waiting for
you all day."
"Oh fuck," I replied."Don't tell me the
tumble drier has broken down again."

[Bikkie]

Deaf people are more at risk of covid.
The rest of us must have heard
immunity.



When I first saw my wife on her dating
profile,she wrote she was "Looking for her
stallion."
It's completely ironic as these days she's the
fucking hores.



The wife says I am an animal in bed-like
the mighty lion.
Sex lasts thirty seconds,then I nap for ten
hours,wake up,and nick her food.



'Charlie Theron says she was was asked to do six
weeks more car training than male co-stars
on the Italian Job.'
They must have watched her parking when
she arrived.



"How old are you?"
"You never ask a lady her age."
"I know.How old are you?"



"69"
"Cheeky fucker,I'm 55."
"I didn't ask your age."



My pet name for my girlfriend is
Hummingbird.
She thinks it's because she's small and cute.
Buts it's really because there's too much flap.



The little Asian guy who owns the corner
shop is a black belt karaoke.
You don't fuck with Mr Singh.



I've successfully crossed A Jack Russell with
Shih Tzu.
I don't know wether to call it a Shit Russell
or a Jack Shit.



Cheer up a moody feminisit by telling her she
has a great arse.

[Bikkie]

It seems if you trace the Queens royal line
back to the start of the Plantagenets,you get
to Richard of Cainsburgh,3rd Earl of
Cambridge second son of Edmund of
Langley,1st Duke of York,and spanish
Princess Isabella of Castille.
That spanish line traces its ancestry back to
king Alfanso the IV of Castille who married
his mistress Zaida of Seville a muslim.
Princess that can trace her family back to
Fatima daughter of Mohammed.
Which explains Prince Andrew.



Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang was asked how
he managed to drop the F.A. Cup after winning
the final.
He replied,"Well I've been carrying the whole
team all season and they wanted me to carry
the cup too."

[Bikkie]

Evening Standard: Prince
Andrew has been seen
with the Accuser.
Fuck me! He's hired
Japenese gangsters for
protection.



The independent: David
Attenborough teams up
with Rapper Dave.
And why not? He's always
had a good rapport with
primates.



Study: 25% of British
toddlers know how to use
an ipad.
That's nothing 100% of
Chinese toddlers know
how to make one.



Oh boy! My parents are
getting a doggie! I've
already found a collar and
a leash hidden under their
bed!

[Bikkie]

This eat out to help out is a load of bullocks.
20 minutes I went down on my local
prostitute and did I get a tenner off?
Like fuck I did!



Simon and Garfunkel are
to re-record one of their
classic songs in Beirut.
"The Sound Of Sirens"

[Bikkie]

My 13 year old said
to me,"Dad,with all this
conflicting information
on social media,in the
news and in the papers i'm
getting really confused.
I understand that some
opinions are more valid
than others but,with all
the noise,all the time,
how do you know what to
believe,what to think?"
"That's easy,son," I
replied."Your mother tells
me."



My girlfriend was trying
to help me improve my
cunnilingus technique.
"Just imagine you're
taking a long lick of a cool
ice-cream," she coaxed.
A couple of seconds later
she screamed,"Ow! what
the fuck was that?"
I replied,"Sorry,just biting
the end off the Flake."



You can't spell
Black Sabbath without
abba.



I found an old unframed
oil painting in my loft
yesterday of a beauiful
naked lady......So I mounted
it.



Why does everyone
want to touch a pregnant
woman's belly?
Don't they know boobs
need attention too?



What did the male soap
say to the female soap?
Can I hold your Palmolive?
Not on your Lifebuoy!



I've been trying to buy
a train ticket online for
over an hour now and I'm
getting really pissed off.
It keeps asking me ,'Where
do you want to go?'
So I click on 'Home'and then it
makes me start all over
again.

[Bikkie]

What do you call a Greek necrophiliac?
Nick Fukakakis.



In Wales,'play areas such as ball pits,which
cannot be easily cleaned should remain
closed.'
Getting balls deep is still banned under
lockdown.
Sheep across the country have breathed a
sigh of relief.



Having seen loads of
girls on Facebook like the
page "Any dick can make
a baby,but it takes a real
man to be a dad," I've
made my own page-"Any
womb can make a baby,but
it takes real slag to pop
out five kids by five
blokes and live off
benefits"



My wife said to me."You
just can't see the forest
through the trees can
you?"
"You got that right" I
replied,handing her the
razor,"I think it's time you
fucking shaved it."



Two men are approaching
each other on a sidewalk.
Both are dragging their
right foot as they walk.
As they meet,one
man looks at the other
knowingly,points to his
foot and says,"Vietnam,1969"
The other points his
thumb behind him and
says,"Dog shit,20 feet
back."

[Bikkie]

I was part of an exciting experiment recently
to investigate the side effects of a new
haemorrhoid cream.
There was a lot of ozze and ahhs around the
lab.



Nice online preview of Beyonce's "Black is
king" project...
I wonder if it contains views of her black
hair or "appropriated" straight hair?
#whitehairmatters



'Brewery apologises for using Maori word for
pubic hair,Huruhuru,in beer name'
I'd be more worried about any "special"
ingredients.

[Bikkie]

Looks like the old Rona's
out of control in The U.S.
China's waiting for their
collapse.Then they invade.
Europe's no match for the
chinese military.
Russia will not allow
china to grow so
powerful.
Trump is a cunt with his
finger on the nukes.
Do you see where I'm
going with this....
Mad Max was set in 2021



My mate asked me where
I buy my disposable gloves.
"I don't buy them,I
just try on the one's
lying about the carpark
till I find a pair that fits."
He said.."Seriously mate,that
is so dangerous,you're putting
yourself and others at risk."
"fuck sake" I repled....I'm
not totally stupid,I turn them
inside out first."

[Bikkie]

To our Amercian cousins:

It's lift,not elevator.

Cash machine,not ATM

Hospital,not business.



Meghan Markle saw Prince Charles as a
'second father.'
Funny enough so did Prince Harry.



Initially.
Your first response on a mate's stag do to
Rome,when the wife phones to ask where
you are.



I went into my local shop to buy some
Dairylea cheese.
They said they cannot sell it because the
government says they have to stop the
spread.



Yet another Bame footballer breaks the rules

#BLM-Behave Like Morons.



Prince Harry was 'delightfully surprised' when
Meghan Markle was happy to shit in the
woods while camping in Botswana.
Thus creating a whole new rhetorical proverb.

[Bikkie]

BBC News: Democratic
presidential candiate
Joe Biden has named
Senator Kamala Harris as
his running mate-the first
black woman and Asian
American in the role.
It took the Americans this
long to work out who the
better runners were.




"Biden VP pick: Susan
Rice,the diplomat and
lighting rod"
The black woman and
serial liar with her white
husband on her arm
and her hand in Hillary
Clinton's pocket.



Who remembers that
horrific advert a few years
back...
If you hit me at 30...
there's an 80% chance
I'll live...
If you hit me at 40...
there's an 80% chance
I won't be available to pick
you out in court.

THINK!

[Bikkie]

They said the term "Chinese Virus" is racist,
Then they said the term "Kung Flu" is racist,
So from now on,I will call it the
Wu Ping Cough.



Hooters have belatedly,launched a home
delivery service.
It's called Front Door Knockers.
Order now for a titillating
delivery.



If Russia wants to be the first country to
produce a vaccine....
....Then Soviet.



"Big Brother is watching you."
I said to my Feminist daughter.
"Fuck off dad,I don't want to hear about any
of your deranged right-wing conspiracy
theories."
"No,not that,I mean I went to change a blub
in Timmy's bedroom and found his
peephole."



I'll never forget my first shag.
The hot arse told me I must use a
condom.
I was too shy to ask the bloke in the
pharmacy for some and before I had the
courage to ask for them I had already
bought a pair of tweezers and a dummy.
I n the end the pharmacist said,"Make
your mind up son,do you want to suck
it pluck it or fuck it?"



On it's release,the 80's
martal arts cheesefest
'No Surrender'
was banned briefly in
some countries,including
France.
Presumably while they
looked up the phrase
'no surrender.'

[Bikkie]

As Prince Charles remembered VJ Day 75
years ago his brother Andrew remembered
BJ Day 19 years ago.



You know Eilzabeth Warren isn't a real Native
American because she doesn't have one of
those traditional names like "Sitting Bull" or
"Running Elk."
Although,I suppose you could call her "Lying
Cow."

[Bikkie]

Kamala Harris becoming
U.S president is a disinct
possibility with Joe Biden's
health.
I bet Harry has already
done the rounds and got
Meghan the role in the
docu-drama series.



I can't wait to see the
Deed tribute act in
November.
Or Abba,as they used to
be known.



The most popular names
for African American
babies are Demarco and
Beyonce.
Of course,if they followed
the Native American
tradition of naming their
child after the first thing
they see after birth,they'd
be Running Boo and welfare
check.


I'm seeing a lot of of stuff on
social media about how
'Blue Lives Matter.'
I reckon if someone's turned
blue,it's a bit late to debating
whether or not their life matters
anyway.



My regular prosititute had
a special ofter:"Two For
The Price Of One."
Anyway,the other guy
seemed really nice.



When Apple expanded their business and
made a website for porn,they called it
"I-came."
Next they expanded further into making
implements for woodwork.
This one they called "I-saw."
Right now,there's a group of employess
at Apple who are losing their shit trying
to come up with something they can call
"I-Conquered."

Suggestions are welcome

[Bikkie]

I used to go out with an
independent MP.
That was no party.
So I went out with a mountain
climber.
That soon peaked and was all downhill
from there.
So I went out with an hologist but
I had to watch myself all the time.
Then I went out with a fortune
teller,but I couldn't see any
future in it.
So I went out with a siamese twin,but
she acted like we were joined at the
hip.
Then I went out with a police cadet,she
had arresting good looks but was really
jailbait.
Anyway,I ended up with an accountant.
Figures.



Jeremy Clarkson once
again spent A Level
results day bragging to
everyone that he got a C
and two U's.
I was only aware of him
having a C and one U...

[Bikkie]

Abba's Dancing Queen has
been voted the best ever
song to dance to.
Next,they're going to
surey the heterosexual
clubs.



They say that salmon
can jump higher than the
Empire State Building.
Hardly a great feat though
is it,considering the
Empire State Building
can't jump.



A lot of rock bands
came up with their name
while taking drugs.
Dire Straits came up
with theirs after smoking
an entire pack of
Marlbro Red.



"Filmmakers told to ditch
sex scences to protect
actors from coronavirus."
Looks like the porn
industry is fucked.



I just hired a musician to
look after my fishing
equipment during my
flight.
Rod Steward.



Our street is like a
snooker game.
All the colours under the
sun on it,but only the
white does any work.


Gays:

Mount Sinai is not an
instruction.



Yesterday I visited the
birthplace of the man who
invented the Toothbrush.
I didn't see any plaque?



Spice up your water fights
by adding chili blended
water in your guns.



A hungry traveller stopped
at a monastery and was
taken to the kitchen where
a brother was frying
chips....
"Are you the friar?" he
asked.
The brother replied,"no
I'm the chip monk.



My wife said to me:"You
just can't see the forest
through the tree can
you?"
"You got that right" I
replied,handing her the
razor,"I think it's time you
fucking shaved it."



I took this drunk bird back
to my place and we did it
doggy style.
Not because we planned it
that way,but that's just
how she passed out.

[Bikkie]

Are you allowed to own a copy of
The Beatles White Album any
more?



What's the big deal with doing Black face?
Nobody complained like this when Michael
Jackson did white face.



I had a Tinder date last night with a
woman I arranged to cheat with,and
unbeliverabaly she turned out to be
a feminist.
"Hey,that's great what you said on
your profile," I said,"That you never
object to sex."
She threw wine in my face and stormed
off growling,"NO,I said I'm sick of
being treated likke a sex object."



Production of the Australian version of
"The Masked Singer" has been cancelled
due to a
COVID outbreak among crew members.
Think about the irony of the title
for a moment.



With American Football teams changing their
names thanks to this Black Lives Matter
bullshit,when the southern California
Apaches get forced to change theirs I'd
like to suggest something totally inoffensive.
The California Wildfires.



Fucking hell those fires in California are
severe!
The only things that can possibly survive
them will be cockroaches and
Donald Trump.




Minjee Lee was born to be a top female
golfer.
Even her names have a hole in one.

[Bikkie]

Speed dating

Him:"Well hello sexy"
Her:"Hello"
Him:"You don't seem too
enthusiasic"
Her:"Just get on with it"
Him:"Are you into well
hung black men?"
Her:"Not since the 1870's

The end.



I rang my boss tonight and
said,"they have 7 cases
of Corona in the house
opposite."
He replied,"don't whatever
you do come into work
for a few weeks," then he
hung up.
I never even got to tell
him they also have 6
cases of Stellar Artois as
well!



What's 6 inches long,pink
and make my wife moan
all day?
Her fucking tongue!



A lot of money could be
saved around Halloween
this year....
You'll scare more people
by not wearing any
fucking mask.



My sister was posing and
taking selfies,"My body is
a temple," she said to me.
"Are you sure it's not a
Mosque with the amount
of pakis that have been in
it." I replied.



A genie walks into a bar
"Give me a pint of larger
and I will grant you a
wish."
"Oh,not again," says the
barman."I wish you'd
just pay for your pint like
everyone else."

[Bikkie]

I'd like to congratulate Black Panther
for being the first black death ever
that wasn't because of being shot by
a white cop.



Chadwick Boseman:Black Panther
star dies of cancer aged 43!!!
He really was in the Endgame!!!




The bad news:Chadwick Boseman,actor
who portrayed 'Black Panther' has
died.
The good news Jacob Blake has really
gone the extra mile to portray the
first black superman.



The wife was furious when she
opened her new butt plug on
her birthday "But I overheard
you telling your sister that
you were interested in buying
one!"
"I said I was interested in
joining book club!"






I said "Waiter there's a fly
in my soup"
He replied,"It also appears to
has one's cock in it as well."



My wife really impressed staff
when she used French phrases
and adhered to French etiquettes
at the Bouchon.
Yet when I squinted my eyes and
said,"Me want bowl of filed lice"
at the chinese restaurant,they took
the prawn cracker basket off my head
and asked me to leave.



They say that you can't teach an old
dog new tricks...well I can,I just
threw my old dog on the fire and said
"Get off" and he did.
Actually I made him do it three times
just to prove it wasn't a fluke.

[Bikkie]

Just got an email from my
car insurance company
asking,"If you only had
5 litres of fuel,how
would you use it?"
Torching maori's wasn't
the sort of answer they
were looking for.
can anyone recommend
a new insurance company
please?



I was in Pak n'Save,doing
my weekly shop,I was in
the queue for the check-out
with a loaded trolley,when
I noticed a sweet old dear
behind me with just 1 tin
of cat food.
I said "Is that all you have
love?" She nodded,so I did
the decent thing and said
"Well if I were you,I'd
fuck off and find another
aisle because I'm gonna
be fucking ages."



I recently lost my sex
drive.
Or to put it more accurately,those
fucking idiots at PC world recently
lost my sex drive.



My telly is a bit like an
American cop.
Doesn't handle blacks very
well.



A dung beetle walks into
a bar and says to the
bartender,"Excuse me,is
this stool taken?"



Got to admit,when I first
heard of BLM I thought it
was a sandwich,like a
BLT.
Which would explain why
I got into so much shit
at work.
When I said I prefer it
when it's white only,I
meant the fucking bread.

[Bikkie]

I've just found out that
Mick Jagger has been
sharing my Apple account
storage.
If you're reading this Mick,I've
only got one thing to say.
Hey you,get off of my cloud.



It's my wife's birthday tomorrow.
She's been leaving jewellery
catalogues all over the house.
So I've bought her a magazine
rack.





"At the end of the day" my
father alwys said,"the most
important thing is that nobody
gets hurt."
Nice man,uselesss boxer.



After an extremely tense
argument with my girlfriend,the
house was so quiet you could hear
a pin drop.
Things got a lot worse when I
saw the grenade fly towards me.



I went to a mystic in
Wolverhamton recently,she said,
"You'll meet a tall dark stranger."
"Of course I will" I replied,"But
I need you to be more
specific."
"Like what?"
I said,"will the cunt have a
gun or a knife?"



Snuggling up on the sofa,my
wife asked,"After 15 years,can
you imagine being married to
anyone else but me?"
30 minutes later I shook
muself and said,"Sorry
love,what was that?"


When Donald Trump said:
"Make America great
again."
Do you think he meant...
"Make America The Great
Depression again"?

[Bikkie]

I was leering down a big
titted blonde's top when
she said "You're supposed
to keep 2 metres away
from fellow shoppers!"
I said "you don't look like
a fellow to me..."



Honeybee venom contains
an extremely potent chemical
that kills breast cancer cells
in minutes.
Be aware,there's a chance of
ending up with hives.



Coronavirus originally
passed from bat to man,
and now it's passed to
Batman.



I was a crack baby.
Unlike my brother,was
a caesarian section.



I'm not saying my son
in-law is thick but he
thinks Nil by mouth is
a seaside.



I was at the airport,
checking in at the gate
when an airport employee
asked,"Has anyone put
anything in your baggage
without your knowledge?"
To which I replied."If
it was without my knowledge,
how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and
nodded,"That's why we ask."



Donald Trump has said
that the police shooting
of a black man in wisconsin
is unamerican.
I disagree! I think it is
very very very american.



My new girlfriend's been
around a bit.
I offered her a sandwich
and she said "sure bring
him over."



What do you call Will.i.am's
brother?
Will.i.fuck

[Bikkie]

Poor Phil Foden.

Kicked out of England
squad for taking a girl
back to his hotel room,
sent home in disgrace
and now his long term
girlfriend has told him to
self isolat by sleeping on
the sofa...

Till Xmas

2023



Phil Foden and Mason
Greenwood were sent
home from England duty
after being caught with
local girls in their hotel.

Tiger Woods sent them a
message:

'Amateurs'

[Bikkie]

I'm sorry to have to leak a
secret memo,but there's
an asteroid the size of
the Isle of Wight heading
straight for Earth and due
to hit on/around the 2nd
of November.
Donald Trump doesn't
want to panic peolpe
and will therefore let
Americans know about it
in December.




Because of the California
wildfires,San Francisco
has been covered with so
much smoke that the sky
was dark as night.
Or was Willies Nelson's
Tour Bus passing through.

[Bikkie]

Rick Wakeman is on the
verge of recruiting U2
guitarist for a new version
of his classic album.

He's Close To The Edge.



Was listening to some
U2 songs with everything
muted except the guitars.

Very Edgy Sound.



Was listening to some U2
songs with all the guitars
muted.

Kinda takes the edge off it.

[Bikkie]

Barbados have annouced
they are going to remove
the Queen as head of
state.What could go
wrong? It worked well
for A fghanistan,Belize,
Botswana,Egypt,The Gambia,
Ghana,India,Jamaica,Kenya,
Kuwait,Lesotho,Libya,Malawi,
Myanmar,Pakistan,Sudan,Tonga
and Uganda.



It's kind of understandable
how Donald Trump can stand
there and tell us that global
warming is a myth.
After all,he doesn't live
on the same planet as the
rest of us.



Matt Hancock was visiting
an old people's home as
a publicity stunt to show
how sympathetic he was to
the covid problem in the
elderly.
He went up to an old lady
in a wheelchair and said,
"Do you know who I am?"
"No" she said,"but if you
ask the nurse on the front
desk she will tell you."



After my wife passed
her BGT audition,I can't
believe that for the first
album,she and my daughter
are rehearsing to record
with their
women's group an album
of "Feminist Christmas
Carols"...( Hyrrs,not Hymns )

Trump's Nuts Roasting on
an Open Fire,Deck the
Halls with Bowels of Boris,
All I want for Christmas
is to undo Brexit,I saw
Mummy Raped by Santa Claus,
Mistletoe and Whine,and I'm
Dreaming of a No-White-Men
Christmas.



BBC News Article."I got a
job after 280 rejections"
Sounds a lot like my
marriage.



I'm not happy with the
body I'm in so I'm finally
going to do something
about it.
I'm going to fuck her sister
instead!



Until recent,I've always
found it a strange
concidence that so many
liberals are so vigorous
about mask wearing.
I couldn't find a logical link
between the two things,
Then it dawned on me.
They're all ugly fuckers.



Simple Quiz

A) Water pulled up in
buckets from this.

B) Common Lubricant.

C) Meat export from
Argentina.

D) Abbreviation of 10th
month of year.

Answers:
A) Well

B) Oil

C) Beef

D) Oct

Now quickly shout out the
answers.

[Bikkie]

"Do you think there will
be a Covid vaccine by
Christmas?" my Granny
asked.
"I shouldn't worry about it
Gran,your Doctor showed
me the results of your x-rays
and blood tests today."
Probably wasn't the best
answer.



I was telling someone
here how in my house we
don't celebrate Christmas.
"Oh right,I figured a
religious conservative
nutter like you was
Jehovah's Witness or
something."
"No,just a tight cunt."



It's bullshit that men can't
multitask.
I have 3 families and a
girlfriend.



I like most people these
days use metric.That is
until it comes to telling
someone the size of your
cock,then 150mm does
not sound too impressive.



I enrolled my gay son
in a boxing lesson to try
and toughen the little
faggot up,but he was not
enthused.
He said,"Dad this is not
what I meant when I said
I wanted to be 'battered
around the ring!"



My wife has been going
to the gym and she is
starting to look that good
that I've had to tell her
sister that she'd better
start to get herself in shape.



I can't believe how upset
my wife got when I told
her I am considering
starting to keep a bear as
a pet.
She said she wasn't
worried about her safety,
just "competition" at the
fridge.



Goal-line technology's
nothing new to me.My
wife's been asking me for
years whether it was in or
not.



What do you call
a Russian gender
reassignment surgeon?
Pulya Dickoff.



Has anyone else been
ripped off on eBay?
I bought a deep fat fryer
the other day ( supposedly
brand new )
It had a chip in it.



I was at the bar and I
ordered a pint of larger
and a pepsi for the wife
and went to sit down.
She said,"Where's the
straw?"
So I went back over to the bar
and said,"Have you got a
straw for the coke?"
The landlord replied,"Just
use a rolled up fiver like
everybody else."



Just been to a local club
with the wife and found
we had to have our
temperatures taken and
then sign in with a contact
name and telephone number.
Only 1 name necessary so wifey
signs in as;

KAREN AVIRIES

It's going to be hilarious if
contact tracing ring us.




Junkies are great at social
distancing.
They're always spaced
out.



Phillip Schofield has to
give his wife half of
$18m fortune as a divorce
settlement.
What a bummer.



All Phillip Schofield wants
in return is her ongoing
loyalty as he plans to
share $18m fortune in an
amicable divorce from his
wife.
Oddly all she wants in
return is cock.



Later we'll be discussing
the new craze of taking
ecstasy then having sex
on your back.Coming
uo whilst cumming up is
coming.



Last week my next door
neighbour asked me,
"Seeing as our houses
are the same design,can
I ask how many rolls of
wallpaper you bought to
decorate the living room?"
"Thirteen," I said.
Today he came round
lookinh angry."I've got
three rolls left over!"
"So did I!" I said.



I had driven my secretary
into the countryside miles
from anywhere,she had
unzipped me and was
just about to go down on
me.She looked at me,
all.flushed and said in a
husky voice,"Would you
like to make me drink?"
With unbelievable
disappointment,I zipped
up again,drove back to
the office and put the
kettle on.


At the restaurant the
pretty waitress asked
"How do you like your
steak sir?"
I said "The same way Ilike
my sex."
She said "Very rare then?"



Snow White can only
allow 6 of the dwarfs into
her home.None of them
are Happy.




Snow White is such an
unrealistic character.
In my experience,you
can put a lot more than
your tongue in a woman's
mouth before she wakes
up.

[Bikkie]

Nasa plans to put a
woman on the moon by
2024.
It would have been 2022
but they need two more
years to develop an
automatic gearbox
for the lunar rover.



Well,my grandad was on
the Western Front and
he reckoned it was really
moisy.



I've been banned from
our local petrol station
for playing "The Who" too
loudly on my car stereo....
I won't get fuelled again.




If any of you believe in
love at first sight....
....look once,look twice....
then run like fuck.


"My shout boys,what are
you having? Fuck,it's
after ten,sorry boys."
Jews in pubs.



My wife said,"For $20,000 would
you sleep with my best friend?"
I said,"Of course.But where
am I going to get $20,000?"



I've come to the sad realisation
that the only way a woman would touch
my cock is if I was a poultry farmer.



I was sacked at my my lasy job
before I'd even finished my training.
We did one of those fucking irritating
icebreakers and the question was "What
movie title describes your sex life?"
After going around the room and hearing
cliched answers like Deep Impact and
Get Hard,the trainer turned to me and
said,"I didn't quite get yours,Deep
Blue Sea?"
I replied,"No,it's Deep Blue C.I'm a
necrophiliac."



I was at a bar the other
day and I saw a hen party
wearing T-shirts printed
with the words Penis Police.
I asked them what it meant.
They said that if I had
an average-sized penis,I
would be charged with a
misdemeanour.If I has
a large penis,I would be
charged with a felony.
Anyway,long story short,
they gave me a parking
ticket.


I asked my doctor for his
opinion on when the covid
pandemic would be over.
He replied "How the hell
would I know? I'm a doctor
not a politician."

[Bikkie]

Did you hear they are
changing the Uncle Ben's
Logo?
Everyone thought it was
ricest.


BBC News.Man dies from
eating more than a bag of
liquorice a day.
I guess it takes all sorts.



In my opinion rap is a
talentless music genre,
I mean it's so easy a
monkey could do it.





Give an infinite number
of monkeys an infinite
number of typewriters,
and they will eventually
write the entire works of
Shakepeare.
Give one monkey a pad
and a pen and he'll knock
out a rap album in a



"Woman turns home into
museum dedicated to
black women."

Dawn Butler:the woman
who could find racism in
an egg cup.
Diane Abbott:the
most senile woman in
parliament.
Ihan Omar:the only
Member of congress to
marry her own brother.
Oprah Winfrey:the
dumbest woman ever to
make a billion dollars.



IRISH OPEN NEWS:
Shane Lowry has eight
bogies...
Filthy mongrel eating
snotters.




Former Aussie batsman Dean Jones,has
died aged 59.
That wasn't a very good innings.

Well,some cunt had to say it.

[Bikkie]

Did you hear they are
changing the Uncle Ben's
Logo?
Everyone thought it was
ricest.



Uncle Ben's rice is to
change its name to
something less racially
sensitive.
May I suggest "Rice,
proper white food."



If your wondering why
Uncle Ben's rice has been
renamed Ben's Original
and the black gut has
disappeared,I guess it's
because he got a girl
pregnant.




In a effort to avoid racial
stereotypes Uncle Ben's
rice has been forced to
embark on amulitimillion
dollar re-branding.
Uncle Adolf's should be in
all major supermarkets by
winter time.



How many calories are in
eating pussy?
Depends on which way
she wipes.



I've just spent ten minutes
trying to lick my own cock
with my dog staring at
me like I'm some kind of
weirdo.



The local stationary shop
has moved.
How ironic.



For some reason,women
get really annoyed when a
man watches pornography
on their phone.
It's why I no longer work at
the Apple store.



As a response to anti
racist harmonious living
Mars are bringing out a
special edition chocolate
selection with milk and
white chocolate in the
same packet.
Black and White
Minstrels go on sale next
Wednesday.



I walked into a pub
Saturday night,music was
a bit loud but you get used
to it.

I feel it in my fingers
I feel it in my toes.
The love that's all around
me
And so the feeling grows.

...and as the feeling grew,
I thought to myself "Shit,
I've wandered into a gay
bar!"



How can you tell a
drummer is at your door?
A.the knocking speeds up,
slows down,speeds up,
slows down..
B.has no idea what keys
are or their importance
C.you ordered pizza 28
minutes ago
D.he has to put the pizza
on the ground before
knocking ( Def Leppard
only )
E.even if the door is wide
open,he doesn't know
when to come in.



A chinise kid asks his
father,"Dad why do they
say all chinese people
look alike?"
He replies,"I am not your
dad."

[Bikkie]

Sir David Attenborough
visits the Royals and
treats them to a back-
garden film premiere.
Not the first time
Attenborough has visited
a near-extinct species.



National treasure Sir
David Attenborough
generously presented
Prince George with a
shark's tooth fossil.
The other 2 royal children
who aren't going to be
monarch got fuck all.
Arse licking coffin dodger!



I had slanging match
with the wife,she called
me a prick and I ended up
calling her an ambulance!



Boris Johnson was
visisting an old people's
home recently as a
photo shoot to show his
supposed concern for the
elderly.
He went up to an old lady
in bed and and said,"Have you
been bed ridden since you
came here?"
"Once or twice" she said
"but I prefer being fucked
up the arse on the sofa."



10 Facts About You

1.You're reading this right now.

2.You're realising that this is
a stupid fact.

4.You didn't notice that I
skipped three.

5.You're checking now.

6.You're smiling.

7.You're still reading this
even though it's stupid.

9.You didn't realise that I
skipped eight.

10.You're checking again
and smiling about how you
fell for it again.

11.You're enjoying this.

12.You forgot that there's
only supposed to be ten
Facts.





In Royal news,Prince
Andrew is to become a
Grandnonce.

[Bikkie]

'Chelsea player 'has no
idea' his girlfriend is
secrectly sleeping with
Arsenal footballer.
I guess all women secrectly
like to be taken up the
Arsenal.



A large woman was
shopping for shorts in our
local sports shop.
She came out of the
changing room and asked
me,"do these shorts
make my arse look fat?"
I replied,"No-it's the fat
that makes your arse look
fat."



Male pornstars are
basically professional
wankers.



"Sex and
menopause...what women
still want."
More of the former,less
of the latter

[Bikkie]

Gravestones are a thing of
the passed.


It looks like God was
Reddy for Helen.



"Serena Williams insists
her body is still willing
after pulling out of French
Open."
Alexis Ohanian confirms
this is true after pulling
out of Serena W illiams.




What do you call
a basement full of
feminists?
A whine cellar.

[Bikkie]

'Playboy' Prince Andrew
was obessed with
redheads.
It's easier when the only
soul they have,is their
arsehole.




Of course black lives
matter.
A dead slave is useless.



The other day my friends
and I tried to split the bill
five ways and it got really
awkward.
I don't know who was
more embarrassed:us or
the prostitute.



Never try to flush away
Cornflakes,because it
Kellogg's your toilet.

[Bikkie]

I was at the restaurant
and a beautiful woman
came to me.I looked at her
and she looked at me and
then she asked me if I'm
alone and I said yes.She
smiled and I smiled back
at her and then she took
one chair out from my
table.





Saw a girl today wearing
a shirt that had "Think
bigger" written on the
front.
I thought,"she should've
worn that on her butt as
well."



BBC website:"Lana Del
Rey covers Ariana Grande
in the Live Lounge."
Funny how that has
absolute no interest to me
on Radio 1,but if it was on
pornhub.



I phoned up a hotel and
the receptionist said
hello best western.I said
unforgiven with Clint
Eastwood.



What's Barbies favourite
thing to do at Halloween?
Pump Ken.



They say there's
sometimes a thin line
between inspiration and
theft.
Well then,today a black
guy was inspired by my
fucking bike.

[Bikkie]

What's dark and full of
bats?
The West Indies cricket
team.



2020-The year when
Conspiracy Theories made
more sense then official
and Government Narratives.



Ive worked out
that a populist is
a politician that
actually does what
they promised to do,to
get elected.
Never fucking seen one
though.



Politicians are like batteries.
They claim to be powerful long
lasting but usually they're
flat and weak.




Philip Schofield has
moved out of his family
home...I wonder if he used
the back door.



A robotic spacecraft has
successfully delivered
a new toilet to the
International Space
Station.
.......according to the
Captain's Log.



Behind every successful
man,there is a woman.
Particularly if he'd been
trying to figure out how a
strap-on works.




Just did a charity stand up
gig to raise funds for my
new wheelchair.

[Bikkie]

"Does anyone know how
long till the Second Wave?,
As I am in self-isolation
watching non stop Dave,
They want me to not meet
people and wear a mask,
It was Xmas but now
Easter 2021 till it lasts,
The whole thing is daft,
And I don't know why,
You have to laugh,
Or else you cry,
You have to live,
Or else you die,
You have to laugh,
Or else you cry,
My mates says we're
heading for a shitty time,
Its just a matter of
cancelled Xmas and no
Pantomine.
We're heading for disaster
but I just don't care,
Shut your eyes and count
to ten and you won't be
there,
The whole thing is daft,
And I don't know why,
You have to laugh,
Or else you cry,
You have to live,
Or else you die,
You have to laugh,
Or else you cry..."




"DOJ announces
charges for ISIS Beatles"
I couldn't see these
Americans LET IT BE.
Guess now these guys
need some HELP.

[Bikkie]

To celebrate Black History
month I'm going to dress
up as a golliwog.



Notable moments in Black
Hostory.

Invention of the stick.
Invention of the Doctors
magical bone.
After thieving his knife
then boiling and eating a
British explorer,the cunts
invented stabbin;
Invented kidnapping
fellow wogs and selling
them en masse to passing
ships.
Invented rape.
After free loading their
way into White society the
cunts invented looting and
rioting
Contributed to Western
Medical Science by
exporting AIDS,Ebola,
Monkey Pox et al and etc.
Invented the race card and
perpetual victim status.
Turned their entire
continent of origin into a
corrupt fuckin' shit hole.

[Bikkie]

Trumpkin.

It's orange on the outside,
hollow on the inside,and
should be thrown out in
November.



Donald Trump is back
in the White House,
showboating with no
mask on and ignoring
social distancing
protocols.
Many doctors have said
it;s too early to determine
whether or not he is
still dangerous to other
people.
I agree.We won't know
that for sure until
November 4th

[Bikkie]

I've just read that Elton
John and Rod Stewart
have fallen out.
I thought Elton loved rod?



In a bid to reduce
increasing sectarianism,
Police Service of Northern
Ireland have banned
Orange marches.
Donald Trump said to
be visbly upset by this
report.



Stevie Nicks says Botox
made her look like 'Satan's
angry daughter.'
30 years of cocaine
addiction probably hasn't
done her looks any
favours either.



In order tp appease
the Coronavirus,we
must throw the entire
Government into a live
volcano.
Even if it doesn't work,
it'll still benefit the nation
enormously.



Nicola Sturgeon has
banned the sale of alcohol
in Scottish pubs for 16
days.
Bit of an own goal
there Nic,how are you
supposed to get a shag
now?

[Piper]

Astrid the new Swedish sex toy has developed a fault she deflates during sex, I can't help feeling they have let themselves down with this one.



Donald Trump says he will leave the USA if he loses the election.
I've heard there's this lovely little retreat called Rikers Island.

[Piper]

"Phil Collins devastated as wife dumps him by text and marries someone else."
I thought his marriage would succeed against all odds, but take a look at him now.


I asked the librarian if she had a book about the proper way to insert a penis into a vagina.
" That's indecent " she said.
" Yeah that's the one.
I replied.

[Piper]

What does your wife and a
high class hooker have in common?
They will both take $500
Out of your wallet yet you still
can't put it in her arse.


"A 99 and a 69 please," I
said to the ice cream guy.
"What's a 69?" he frowned
I said,"it's like a 99,but
with fish instead of a
flake."

[Piper]

What do blacks call their
sexual partners?
Prime mates.


My mother always said,
"Sometimes, son it is
better to just walk away
from things and go back
to them later when you 're
in a better frame of mind."
Anyway I just lost my job
as a surgeon.


My voluntary work with
the Samaritans only
lasted one shift. A caller
said he was suicidal and
about to throw himself
under a train.
I thought I should get
advice from a supervisor
and told him to stay on
the line


I was checking out a good
looking bird at New World
when the wife caught me.
That's it no turkey dinner
for us tonight.

[Piper]

Prince Andrew "faces
being replaced as
Commodore of Britain’s
oldest yacht club."
"He's easy like Sunday
morning."



What's Prince Andrew's
favourite 80's film?
Big Trouble In Little One's
Vaginas.



This impotence is all very
new to me. I'm Johnny - cum-lately.


Men with neck tattoos
used to make people
nervous.
Now they make them
lattes.


Most of us know the late
Michael Hutchence as the
bloke who was INXS.
Whereas to Bob Geldof
he's the bloke who was IN
HIS EX.


Can you believe that there
actually is a Chinese "guardian deity"
by the name Long Wang?

[Piper]

I keep trying to persuade
my wife that it’s the small
things in life that give the
most pleasure!
My excuse for having a
3 inch cock.


They say that women are
like buses. You wait ages
for one then three turn up
ar once.
Well I don't know about
three turning up. But the
one I dated certainly
resembled the back end of
a bus.


When I was a young boy
my father told me that
white girls dated black
men because they have
Big cocks!
Now I’m older I know
the truth, Easy access to drugs!!!


I've been invited to my
mother - in-law's Halloween
crazy costume party, and
I have no idea what I'll go
as.
My wife 's a fat compa
loompa. Her mother's an
evil witch.
I wonder what they are
going dressed as.

[Piper]

Trump-noun
Shit wrapped in skin.


The Gender Equality crap
has gone too far these
days.
My gay son told me he
just got a new job at
this all male version of
Hooters called "Peckers".


My first day as a home
help for the elderly could
have gone better
"There you go Mrs Jones,
I've emptied out that big
ashtray you keep on the
mantlepiece for you."


What do you call a group
of 6 Chinese tourists?
A six pack of Corona Extra.

[Piper]

Before I became a stunt man I trained to make mattresses.
Just in case I needed something to fall back on.


A few hundred years ago, white people were transported to Australia, on ships in chains.
They made a great
country.
What the fuck are the black cunts complaining about?


There's the age old adage
"If it has tyres or tits you're going to have trouble with it."
"There's always the exception that
proves the Goddamn rule!" Mr Pitt 56
Los Angeles.


I saw a midget climbing
down a prison wall...I thought that`s a
little condescending....!!


It just fucking amazes me
that there are men's perfumes out there that
costs upwards of $100 a bottle.
But it's very easy for me to
say that when I'm having a KFC
meal and I'll soon be
having a date with a black woman.


I'm smoking too much.
I am going through two
lighters a day.


How do you convince a
liberal something is
true?
Put it beneath a headline.


I nominated my wife for
a CBE but I got a very
snotty letter back telling
me that 'Cunt Of The British Empire`
was not a recognised honour.


I was walking through Vatican City
and I bumped into the Pope
who was wearing a grey suit
and dark glasses.
I guess that’s a blessing in
disguise.


Just watched Close Encounters
Of The Third Kind.
Richard Dreyfuss ended
up abandoning his wife
and 4 kids, and flying off
with aliens.
Many men have that
fantasy.



I picked up this bird on
the bus the other day and
we ended up back at her
place having a great 64.
It's just a 69 but she was
in a wheelchair.


My father was reminiscing
about the good old days
of pubs, the busty
barmaids, no political
correctness with the
booby jokes, and the
friendly coloured chaps,
they loved a good jam
jar joke, and the fags,
sorry, cigarettes, yes you
couldn't see from one end
of the bar to the other
for the stale wafting
smoke of Park Drive
and Port Royal. Myself
personally, I miss the days
when the pubs let you in
and you could order a pint.

[Piper]

Disney
Scottish for doesn't.


Definition of a
backhanded compliment :
Your wife telling you,
"Nobody makes love to
me the way you do."


My daughter 's black
boyfriend is called Sam.
So technically that makes
him her beau.


Three Jewish men are
chased by BLM protesters
and accused of being
from the 'synagogue of
Satan' in Philadelphia.
That's no way to treat
ZZ Top.


I've told the kid's despite
family traditions, this will
be the last year they can
go round houses with their
Nan on Halloween.
I've borrowed a wheelchair
and it's not just her age...
But she did die from
Coronavirus last Monday.


The other day I saw a
video of an owner letting
his dog lick the inside of
his dishwasher.
Lucky girl.


The wife's been complaining about getting
blisters on her hands from using the broom..
I don't understand why she didn't just use the
car!

[Piper]

"Sorry Meatloaf but
your missus is fucking
ugly. No doubt she has a
wonderful personality, is a
marvellous cook and will
suck you off at the drop of
a hat."
"She's my sister"
"Still, two out of three ain't
bad."


"Oh darling, you all set?"
He whispered seductively
"Yes" she replied huskily
"Have you thought of a
safe word?"
"Meatloaf" she answered
He queried.
"But of course." she said,
I'll do anything for love
but I won't do that! "


Kids are so occupied by
their phones these days, in
20 years time they will be
saying
" Fuck me, how long has
there been a house next
door? "


" Women, it’s said, have
many faults.
Men have only two.
Everything they say,
And everything they do.
-Melania Trump.




The girls around town call
me "The Terminator."
I'm not muscular or tough,
but I have an oozey nine-millimetre.


What do you call an old
black guy?
Antique farm equipment.

[Piper]

Dr No...
I'm sorry Mrs Connery but
He's gone.


It's okay, Sean Connery
has a new calling.
Double oh heaven....


Australia records zero
Coronavirus cases.
Come on Australia, I know
you don't take anything
seriously but this is
important.


People say that
pornography creates
unrealistic expectations
among young women.
Namely they can earn
more money than men.


Cocaine is like a good
book. You know you’re up
for work in the morning,
but you keep going back
for another line.


I wish I was more forward-thinking.
That time, years ago when
my ex found knickers in
the glove-box, all I had to
say was, "It's my face mask
for 2020!"


Life is like a box of
chocolates.
Not as fun with diabetes.


I saw a man at the airport
with a bulletproof vest.
I reminded him it's an
airport not a school.

[Piper]

Johnny Depp is to star in a
new scifi epic.
He's to play the captain of
a starship that discovers a
planet inhabited by aliens
who regularly beat their
wives.
It's called into-Stella.


My thoughts on women
are similar to my thoughts
on toilet paper.
The quality’s irrelevant
when your just going to
spaff in it.


I don't like being called
a racist. I prefer ethnic
critic...


I saw a sign today that
made me piss myself.
It said, "TOILETS CLOSED."

[Piper]

Why can't 2 grown up elderly men just shake
hands and enjoy 2 years each as president?


In America not voting for Trump is
for Biden.


Americans are saying the presidential election results on a knife edge and it
could take a week to announce a winner.
I think they've just Biden their time.


With the election count
still going on Donald
Trump has been shitting
bricks for hours.
Which means he can
finally finish his wall.


With regards to his loss in
court, Johnny Depp is said
to be taking it on the chin.
Much like his ex.


These election results are taking longer to
Come out than Phillip Schofield.


What's the difference between Johnny Depp
and channel immigrants?
Johnny Depp ends up in hot water, channel
immigrants and up in cold water.


When you turn 100 you get a letter from the
Queen.
When you turn 16 you get a text from
Prince Andrew.


Luis Troyano may have
come runner-up to Nancy
Birthwhistle on the Great
British Bake Off for
making cakes, but at least
he came first in the brown
bread category.

[1/32 man]

The only one I can remember....”Two peanuts went to a party, one was assaulted “

[Piper]

I know Americans are supposed
to be stupid but I 've been
seeing them carrying signs
saying, "Stop the count."
Thick bastards.
It's spelled cunt.


The American Presidential
election result will be
announced soon.
The computer guy is just
Putin in the final scores.


Fuck me, I know the Yanks
are a bit slow and dumb,
but I suspect they are
using a abacus to count
these votes.
Probably Biden's from
when he was a kid.

[Piper]

Trump said if he lost the
election he would leave
the country.
BI DEN.


Americans.... Donald J Trump
............ You're fired!


The Trump family can no
longer enter the White House.
It's forBiden.

[Piper]

The writings on the
wall for Donald Trump,
FUCK OFF CUNT, yours
sincerely 70m Americans.


In a final last - ditch
attempt to stay in the
White House Donald
Trump will claim to be
self - isolating.


I don't think anything will
Come of the vote rigging
allegations against Joe
Biden.
They were just trumped up
charges.


Official. The
unprecedented Donald
j Trump is now
UN-president-ED.


Tell you what, I wouldn't
want to be Melania's
arsehole tonight.


Breaking News :

Donald Trump has
released a statement
following the confirmation
of Joe Biden as the
presidential election
winner.
"But but but - Hillary's
emails! Benghazi
Waaaaaahhhhhh, s'not
fair!"


Sulking little fat child,
ex-president Donald Trump,
must move out of the
White House.
If his reaction to losing is
anything to go by, expect
this take about four
years.

[Piper]

Nice to see Trump finally
making America Great
Again.


When it comes to raising
our kids, the wife says I
had a small part.
In her.


There's talk of glitter being
banned for Christmas.
About time, that Gary has
been causing trouble for
years.


I raised the alarm at work
today
The midgets were furious.


What's with all these
German shampoos that
keep being advertised.
Since when did we start
talking advice from them
about our showering
habits.

[Piper]

Trezeguet sounds
like an adjective for a
Frenchman, who has
divorced 2 women but is
still uncertain about his
sexuality.


The BBC are to remake the
1960s Police drama Softly
Softly but with a more
21st Century feel.
Monday sees the first
episode of Softly Softly
Catchee Monkey.


"Your hands are cold,"
snapped my wife as I
climbed into bed and
groped her.
"You know what they say,"
I replied. "Cold hands,"
warm heart... "
" In your case, pisshead, "
she sneered," It's cold
hands, cold beer. "


I prefer to think of porn as
a performance enhancing
drug for marriage.

[Piper]

A driver in Sydney was
accused of using her
mobile phone while
driving.
The driver claimed she
was eating a Magnum ice
cream.
Say the same thing
happens in America and
you say to the police
officer, "It's not a phone,
It's a Magnum," just pray
that those aren't your last
words...


I'm not saying I watch
too much porn but my TV,
Laptop and Tablet have
windscreen wipers.


Once ordered some Viagra
off the Dark Web.
Ended up getting stiffed.


Joke for Conspiracy
theorists /The Matrix fans :
Pfizer, the company
who have developed a
Covid Vaccine, are also
the same company who
develop Viagra...
Viagra - the 'blue' pill...
I'm not falling for it.


Burn your Stevie Wonder
records, everyone.
The racist bastard used
the phrase 'coloured
people' on his single
Living For The City.,in 1973.

[Piper]

Rick Astley has admitted
He's shit at custard pie
fights.
He said, "he'd never run
around and dessert you."


I've given up dealing
Coke.
I'm tired of people sticking
their noses in my
business.


The moment I realised
that my girlfriend was a
slag was when she walked
in my kitchen and saw me
slicing a cucumber.
And said," You think my
minge is a fucking money
box or something?"


The Doctor said to
Paddy's wife, "Quick
Paddy is having a stroke!"
Paddy's wife replied,"Shit
not again, Should I look
the other way?"


I said to the robber, "I have
a wife and four kids."
"I'm not going to shoot
you," he replied.
"You heartless cunt," I said.


I was fucking my
secretary up the arse
when my wife walked in.
"You can't do
this to me!"
She said, "I know... that's why
I'm doing it to her!"


Definition of irony, doing
your speed awareness
course on zoom.

[Piper]

9th November Pfizer
and BioNTech announce
a vaccine that is 90 %
effective but has to be
stored at in an industrial
freezer.
16th November, Moderna
announces a vaccine that
is 95% effective that can
be stored in a fridge.
23th November : Trump
and Domestos announce
a vaccine that is 99%
effective and can be kept
under the sink.


My asian mate just
packed his job in as a
gardener at the local
recreation ground
because everyone kept
calling him an offensive
name.
I said no they were calling
you parky you thick cunt.


A new public health crisis
is on the horizon.
With everyone being
forced to wear masks
I think there will be an
uptake in the number
people who are gonna end
up schmooooookin.


English language is
very difficult to learn
due to its multitude of
idiosyncrasies.
In fact, it is so complex
experts reckon that
everyday, most users utter
a sentence which has
never been spoken.
I was so surprised by
this statement that you
could have fucked me
sideways with a peanut
butter, banana and white
chocolate spread toasted
sandwich!


Just saw a black guy
cycling off up the road on
a bike! I thought it was
mine but I realised he was
in the field picking Cotton.


When the ex used to call
me Blackadder, I thought it
was because I was always
the wittiest and smartest
in the room.
Turns out it's because I
always missed her bean.

[Piper]

A fairy tale for modern
times Rapunzel... a
role model for modern
women?

Find a man to regularly
abuse you ( every night the
Prince pulled her hair, very,
very painful ).
Let him get you pregnant,
with twins so that your
stepmother /mother boots
you out of the house.
The blind wandering
Prince eventually found
Rapunzel, regained his
sight and they lived
happily ever after.
The Brother’s Grimm
had no knowledge of the
modern benefits system
which would replace the
Prince. A system in which
every immediate financial,
social and housing need
would be taken care of,
thus allowing the single
mother to live happily ever
after with her increasingly
larger self - entitled broad.



People who are struggling
to put food on the table
should spare a thought for
me.
I've had to chop up my
table to put wood on the
fire.


I said to my friend
earlier I'm staying in and
watching that "Lock Stock
And Two Smoking Barrels"
tonight.
What, " he said," With
Jason Statham and Vinnie
Jones? "
" No mate, " I said," Just by
myself. "

[Piper]

"Prince Andrew 'will never
return to royal duties'
again despite his 'delusion
of grandeur."
Why should he when he
Can party all night then
shag young women
afterwards?


"How much do I owe you
for those period pads you
bought me?"
"A tenner lady."


"Two minutes and
then you come," she
complained.
"It was doggy style," I said
"That's fourteen minutes."


I have good news and bad
news.
The bad news is there is no
good news.
And the good news is that
the bad news is irrelevant.


Keen-nosed copper sniffs
out monkey dust and
cocaine stuffed up trainee
nurses vagina.
Sounds like her been with
the niggers again.

[Piper]

China has been accused
of Microwaving Indian
soldiers in Himalayan
border clashes.
I knew it wasn't fucking
chicken!


"We can't live together
any more - it's impossible"
What six weeks of war
has done to Nagorno-Karabakh.
Six weeks!
They should try living with
the wife for a week.


New research confirms
link between Turtles and
Lesbians.
They both choke on
plastic.


What's the difference
between my wife and
Manchester United?
Manchester United still
suck.


I am a man that enjoys
being ruthless.
Ruth left me!!


Andrex have just released
a new product : Liam
Galallgher toilet roll
super, super soft three ply
Great for wiping shit off
your arse.
But all the things you've
seen, will slowly fade
away.

[toycollector10]

I know a joke about Covids19. It's a killer, but I'm pretty sure 99.98% of you won't get it.

[Piper]

Just can’t please some
people.......
I sincerely complimented
someone on their
excellent Movember, and
suddenly she's not your
friend anymore............


A study finds that vegans
are more likely to break
their bones.
When are they going to
learn, there's nothing quite
like having a nice big
Piece of meat going inside
you.

Oooooooh.


I tried to buy cologne for a
gender neutral, non-binary,
agender, pangender
genderqueer, two-spirit,
third gender relative.
Like a bisexual, the
scented oil-based liquid
only comes in male and
female.


Something has always
perplexed me about
people who draw
cartoons of the Prophet
Muhammad. How do they
know what he looked like?


My dad always said
around every corner is a
surprise.
Nice guy, shit tour guide.

[Piper]

Who, When, What, Why
and How walk into a bar.

How: "Where's where?"

When: "Who?"

Why: "No, who is already here"

When: "But how?"

How: " Stop being silly, I got
here with the rest of us "

Who: " This is getting rather
whimsical. "

Why : " What?"

What: "Yes."

Why : "I wasn't talking to you."

What: "Who?"

Who: "Yes? "

When: "Shut up, the lot
of you! I'm going. This is
ridiculous."

How: "Why?"

Why : "Yes?"

How: "I wasn't talking to
you!

[Piper]

Headline : 'Another Blow
For Johnny Depp'.
Good. Now he knows how
his missus felt.



Someone was telling me
about this ship that travels
in international waters
and offers abortions for
women from countries
where the practice is
banned..... I couldn't help
but wonder what the ship
would be called....... All
Abort?


I asked the Colonel what
the. lowest rank in the
army was.
He said, "It's Private."
I said, "Come on you can
tell me."


An armed man has just
run into a real estate agents
and shouted
"Nobody move."

Best chat up line ever -
Actually works.
"Excuse me, love, are you
a lawyer?
Because I want you to get
me off."

[Piper]

US presidents are often
remembered for their
Great catches during their
time in office...

Can you name the US
president who :

Caught Osama Bin Laden
Caught Saddam Hussein
Got caught bugging
the election opposition
headquarters
Caught a bullet in the back
of his neck
Got ( more or less) caught
Al dente with an intern
Was caught on air
suggesting World War
Three had started.
Caught Coronavirus

[Piper]

I told my daughter to take
an old portrait
of herself to a restorer to
get fixed. Dirty cunt just
texted me saying he'd
touched her up!


I told my colleagues I was
going on holiday to Texas.
"Don't forget your sun
cream!" said Leroy.
"I won't need it, we'll all be
wearing white hoods." I
replied.


Free delivery tip. Wear
a balaclava and zig zag
through the streets with
the item. Once the police
have finished questioning
you at station ask
to be taken back to the
delivery address.


When I heard Muslims
Can have four wives I
decided to convert to
Islam. I changed my mind
when I realised they also
have four-mother-in-law's.


Suppose you marry a
widow who already has
a grown up daughter
and your father marries
the widow's grown
up daughter. Now
the widow's daughter
becomes your mother.
Since your mother 's
mother is your wife,
your wife is also your
grandmother. As
the husband of your
grandmother, you become
your own grandpa.
Sweet home Alabama.


I' m doing a quiz and need
some help... I know Henry
VIII had 6 wives - There
was Catherine of Aragon,
Anne Boleyn, Anne of
Cleves, Catherine Howard,
Catherine Parr but, for
the life of me, I can't
remember the surname of
the one called Jane.... See
more.


"Hurry up I've got a
turtles head poking out
my arse." Isn't the wisest
thing to say to Australians
customs officers.


I went to the doctor to
get a prescription for my
alcoholism.
"What's the cost of this
prescription?" I asked him.
"$1,000," he said.
I said, "Woah, and what
are the side effects?,"
"Drowsiness, nausea,
headaches.." he listed.
"I'll decline," I said. "It
seems cheaper just to get
drunk."

[Piper]

My wife screamed at me
"You're bloody obsessed
with those Star Wars
movies. I'm leaving you."
"May divorce be with you."
I replied.


My doctor said that I
should put a bar in my
shower to stop me falling
over.
Silly cunt! After four
double rums I can't even
find the soap.


I said to my girlfriend,
"When I asked you to
tease me, I didn't mean
say my cock was small!"


Giving my Mum's sister a
partial orgasm wasn't as
good as i excepted.
It was a bit of an Aunty
Climax.


My wife told me she's
going to allow rough sex,
Facials, felching, and deep
pounding anal.
Admittedly, I'd received
better emails from her
when she's been staying
away in a hotel with work
colleagues.

[Piper]

I was at a festival one,
beautiful hot day and I
was keen to get pissed,
but I was skint. So I was
sneaking the odd drink
from people here and
there, when I spotted a
pint glass, almost full with
a golden yellow liquid. I
excitedly assumed it was
Someone's beer, so I went
for it. Picked it up and it
felt a bit warm but I just
thought it'd been out in the
sun. So I necked it
Honesty, it was the most
vile thing I've ever tasted!
You've probably guessed
what is was already.
Foster's.


Life is all about how much
Shit you're willing to put up
with just to get your dick
wet

[Piper]

After the death of David
Prowse a statue of Darth
Vadar is to be erected
on the Colston plinth in
Bristol.
Finally a statue we can all
be proud of.
A black man who admits
to being the father.


Apparently Meatloaf’s
gone vegan.
The cunt’s calling himself
Nutroast now.


I woke the missus up
in the middle of the
night and told her I was
stressed and that only a
blowjob would help.
She said, "Where are you
going to find a cock to
suck at three o’clock in the
morning?"


So the Pope is doing a
crossword puzzle when a
Bishop walks in.
"What's a four-letter word
for a woman that ends in-
unt?" the Pope asks.
The Bishop thinks for
a minute, afraid to say
such a word to the holiest
of men. Then a miracle
comes to him. "A-unt?" he
suggests.
The Pope replies, "Yes
that sounds better, got a
rubber?"


A friend asked me to
do a Native American
impression.
I said how.


"The Vicar Of Dibley takes
the knee: Dawn French will
deliver a sermon about
Black LIves Matter when
the BBC comedy returns
for Christmas."
That'll make a change
from going down on two
knees for Lenny Henry.


There won't be snow this
Christmas.
British Customs just
seized £100m of cocaine.

[Piper]

Bob Dylan sells his entire
600 song catalogue to
Universal.. Dylan got a good deal and
only had to pay them for
the shipping.


'... Prince William has
arrived by Royal train in
Scotland.
He booked a tartan
room. and got BOTH!'.

The new Covid vaccine
may have an adverse
effect on fertility, says the
former head of research
at Pfizer.
All the more reason to let
Mrs Ali next door have
mine.


Two heads are better than
one was not something I
wanted to hear from my
Tai bride.


My wife's fanny smells of
roses.
But Roses fanny is tighter...!

[Piper]

Maggie Keenan the 90
year old who was the
first woman in Britain to
receive her Pfizer and
BioNTech coronavirus
vaccine, a spokesperson
for her has confirmed she
hasn't quite come to
terms with her new found
fame, Maggie who is set
to turn 91 next week has
already begun working on
an Instagram, Only Fans,
and an Amazon wish list.
Bless the old Minx!


A man called William
Shakespeare was the
second person in receive
the vaccine?
Fake news. It was the Earl
Of Derby.


1996 Pfizer invents drug
to create stiffs.
2020 Pfizer invents drug
to prevent stiffs.


Do you think the already
controversial BLM scene
in The Vicar of Dibley
Christmas special, is a
subliminal message from
Dawn French that she
misses Lenny's BBC?


Lonely woman desperate
for oral sex during
lockdown have largely
been ignored. We need
to support them with
an "Eat out to help out"
campaign.


Break dancing to be
included in Paris 2024
Olympics. ( Yes fucking
really! ) Other sports
considered, the smash
and grab. Acid toss,
water melon polo,
javelin stabbings, the
snatch clean and jerk
chicken, back garden
fence hurdles, velodrome
electric scooter, 100m
pimp limp, the MC hammer
throw, synchronised
muggings and county
live mobile phone fling...


Heroin Training - Fuck
Yeah, i feel great!
No wait, sorry. I meant to
write, Hero in Training.


I got stung in one of those
scams where you pay a
sum into a scheme every
month, but then at the
end you find out there's
nothing left in the pot for
you.
National Insurance.


I'm happy for Ken Barlow
being in the Guinness
Book Of Records for the
longest running TV soap
star, but my question is
who lives on the same
street for 59 years?

[Piper]

So the new Batman actor
is black?
They should rename him
The Silhouette.


nigger nigger nigger
nigger nigger nigger nigger
nigger BLACKMAN!


Australian scientists
are looking at a protein
found in BREAST
milk to help cure the
Coronavirus... "Cor, get 'em
out girls before the queue
starts!"


Kuchisabishii, a Japanese
word which can be used
to sum up life under
quarantine lockdown.


I like my women how I like
my advent calendar.
Against my wall, flaps
open ready to be eaten.


Meatloaf said " I' ll do
anything for love, but I
won't do that! "
Rimming probably.


What do mechanics
and Lesbians have in
common?
Snap-on tools.


My new paki neighbours
were having a house
warming party. A Molotov
cocktail should do the
trick.


I had no excuse for not
getting my wife's name
tattooed down my two
inch cock like she wanted.
Unfortunately, her fucking
name is Jo.


At the airport:
"Do you have any baggage to
book in sir?"
"Only the wife and kids."


Hooker: "It's £70 for sex
and a blowjob."
Me: "Can we do 69?"
Hooker : "No haggling."

[Piper]

In a landmark decision
gay men can now donate
blood....
I would call it more a
skidmark decision.


It must be very
uncomfortable for
that Anna Richardson
who presents Naked
Attraction.
She has to let Sue Perkins
sit on her face..

When I took up selling
crystal meth my neighbour
Abdul cooked in his
home to survive during
the lockdown, I told him I
was surprised he carried
on doing such a flagrant
drug-dealing business.
"What do you mean, if
they didn't want us doing
this, then why would our
homes come installed
with a tub for only such a
thing?"


I got my obese fat wife a
Big black vibrating dildo
for her birthday.
She just glared at me and
said, Is this a windup?
No, if you look I think it's
battery powered.


A woman came and sat
next to me at a bar one
day. I thought she was
attractive so I asked her
name.
"Carmen." she said
"That's a nice name." I said. I
replied.
"Thanks, I picked it myself.
Because I like cars and
I like men." She told me
"What's your name?"
"Lager fanny."

[Piper]

In Canada the Military are
issuing the Covid Vaccine.
"Your gonna get shot one
way or another.


Jesy Nelson has left Little
Mix.
She is forming her own
band called Pick n Mix.


Jesy Nelson has left Little
Mix.
Finally, I can look at them
now.


Jesy Nelson has issued a
statement saying...
"Now the online bullying
is behind me, I'm looking
forward to spending some
quality time with Kermit."



In a last ditch effort to
appease Jesy Nelson
and get her to reconsider
leaving, the band is
changing their name to
Pick n Mix.



Little Mix have annouced
that thanks to a
forecasted saving 93%
on makeup and plus size
leather outfits they can
now afford to hire some
decent song writers.


The IRA and the KKK had
a lot in common.
They both hated the Black
and Tans.


Bought some rare WW2
blackout curtains.
During air raids people
used them to see
the black fella out in the
open.


I knocked on the door
to attend a heating
breakdown and a barely
dressed blonde answered
the door, massive tits
dropping out of her
unfastened negligee and
the shaped of her neatly
trimmed bush gaping for
me to see,
"Is your husband in miss?"
I asked,
"What do you think? Will I
not do?" she answered.
"Err, no not really I need
the car reversing out of
your drive so I can get my
van in." I replied.


Writing verse, a first
attempt.
I dig, you dig, we dig
He digs, she digs, they dig
We all dig
Not quite Haiku
But very deep.

Thanks to Tim Vine for the
inspiration

[Piper]

Katie Price has had more
pricks than a vaccine
rollout program.


My wife is on her period
so we can't have sex.
The period between
marriage and death.


Never judge a book by its
cover. But if the covers
Black, its probably robbed
your phone.


As I screwed my girlfriend
in the arse she shouted
out "What the hell are you
doing?"
I replied "You told me
you wanted your ring
stretched."
She replied, "I meant my
engagement ring."


Five crew members on the
Mission : Impossible set
have reportedly quit after
Tom Cruise had a second
furious rant...
He called everyone a cunt
but then realised he was
the biggest one.


Five Guys has been
bought by a new politically
correct American
corporation. As of January
1,it will be known as
Three White Guys, One
woman, And one Trans-Person
of colour.

[Piper]

Melania : "Donald. It's
Christmas. Would you like
to pull a cracker?"
Donald : "No way. Last
time I did that, I had to
pay her $130,000 hush
money."


Christmas nearly here,
distant relatives to visit,
contradictory advice from
the PM and from the
medical profession.
Well, come on and let
me know
Should I stay or
should I go?
I could accept the advice
from both factions.
Welcome to Schrodinger’s
Christmas.


Ffs. Never mix drink and
wrapping Xmas presents.
If anyone opens theirs and
finds a TV remote in it, I
need the fucker back.


The irony is the more
snowflakes you get the
Whiter Christmas is.


Nothing says Christmas
like dipping your cock in
baileys and having the
wife lick it off.

[F5 Dave]

Ok thats given me an idea of Christmas cheer.

[F5 Dave]

But she doesn't like dairy.

Not sure if coffee will work.

Does grape juice work?

[Piper]

I hope people think this
year before putting photos
on Facebook of their
Christmas feasts as some
dwarfs are struggling to
put food on the table.


Just read on the BBC
news website that smaller
turkeys are on the menu
for Christmas.
Nothing wrong with a little
gobbler.
Oooooooooh.


I've bought a lot of
crap this month before
Christmas.
I can't believe this
time my wife wanted the
garden manured.


Santa's grottos will be
open in ALL tiers - but
youngsters will be told
to not sit on Father
Christmas's knee in case
They give him coronavirus.
The kids are really going
to miss the alcohol
breath, nicotine lips, and
large erections under their
bottoms.


My wife and her mother
that are ridiculously
scared of Covid are
absolutely insisting to
celebrate Christmas by all
this absurd protocols this
year ( no singing, dancing,
no board games, etc...)
we're going to party like
it's 1599.


Just a quick heads-up,
lads...
Pak'n Save are giving away
free Christmas turkeys to
anyone who can outrun
their security guards.


Gemma Collins family
aren't worried about her
her massive Christmas no. 1.
They're just worried about
her massive boxing day
no. 2.


Microsoft have released
a festive advent calendar
this Christmas.
No chocolates just a
load of fucking updates
everytime you open your
windows.


So this is Christmas
And what have you done?
Another tier over
a new tier just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you've not seen
The near and dear one
With Covid 19
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New year
You've fucked more than
ever
Wait for the 5th Tier.


"ooh Donald, you're
so popular!" exclaims
Melania "You're got
83,283,000 presents sent
to The White House."
"I know, such beautiful
people my Americans."
smiles Donald.
"Let's see what you're
got?" beams Melania. "I
hope there's some
expensive stuff in there."
"Okay, here goes darling....
mmm... A dummy ...
Another dummy?... A
luxury dummy?... Another
dummy?... They're all
dummies?"


Boris Johnson is the
anti-Santa.
There will be tiers before
bedtime and nobody
wants anything from his
sack.


As they say in South
Korea...
A dog is for Xmas, not for
life.


One thing I've noted during
my Christmas shopping
this year is that none of
the shops are selling any
Mistletoe.


Dear Vanilla Ice,
We Eighties kids alive in
2020 now have a fucking
huge problem with Covid
and Christmas.
Please keep your promise
Yo, You'd solve it


Mixing has been banned
in households across
England for Christmas.
We'll have to be more like
the Scots
Drink it neat.

[Piper]

Victoria Beckham
'alters her strict fish and
vegetable diet after she
was warned she had
"off the scale" levels of
mercury'
David would tap her box
and check the weather.


Boyfriend proposes to his
train driver girlfriend as
she pulls into the platform
in front of delighted
commuters.
She was shocked as men
normally propose to her
when they pull out.


A man in America has
successfully sued his
parents after they threw
away his 18 thousand
pound stash of porn.
What a wanker!


I just got back from acting
in a porno where there
were 8 black guys and I
was the only white bloke.
I had a really small part.


Last night my wife
suddenly got hungry so
she ordered three extra-large
bacon - bacon - bacon
pizzas.
The delivery boy showed
up and he was a black kid,
and my wife took a look
at him when she opened
the door and said, "Come on in
Big boy, you can pound my
snatch like a screen door
in a gale!"
He just groaned and said,
"Ma'am, like we always tell
you, you have to actually
pay for the pizzas."


Struggling to get get a man
in during lockdown to
assemble flat pack
furniture.
If your having trouble with
your drawers, I suggest
you use a battery powered
tool.
No doubt you'll still be
missing a screw when
your done.



My Paki neighbour was
telling me he was moving
house out of the area.
Is it a semi or detached?
I asked.
"No it's a wimpy"
he replied
True story.

[Piper]

Twas the night before
Christmas, when all
through the house,
Not a creature was
stirring, not even a mouse,
Do you know why?
Because none of us were
allowed out,
Looked out into the
street and no Christmas
decorations about,
Looked out of the window,
what did I see?
A spread out group of six
people, two sets of three,
What tier is it today, Tier 4
or Tier 3?
A new strain of Covid
coming to a town near me,
Waiting for Santa to slide
down my chimney,
Cause let's face it I'm all
alone and my friends can't
celebrate with me,
Santa finally came! what
did he bring?
A sack full of vaccines,
some toilet paper and
things,
He came prepared with
extra handwash in his
stocking,
Because he knew that
Boris was keeping us
locked in,
We sat and we cheered
Opening presents all night!
As we talked and
reminisced about this
years
cancelled flights,
Upon the roof, his red
nosed reindeer was
seated,
keeping his distance by
approximately 2 metres,
Soon it became time, for
Santa Claus to go,
He could only stay til
10pm under new rules on
Tier 4,
He flew up my chimney
I said, When will you be
back? "
He replied," Hopefully in a
year 's time if some cunt
doesn't try to eat a bat! "

[Piper]

I was telling someone
how in my house we
don't celebrate Christmas.
"Oh right, I figured a
religious conservative
nutter like you was
Jehovah's Witness or
something."
"No just a tight cunt."


Looks like the NHS are
Finally getting the vaccine
and are distributing it to
their staff.
Not seen this many
nurses taking multiple
pricks since Ballsdeep's
last Christmas party.


"Ho, ho, ho! And what
would you like for
Christmas little girl?"
"Your hand out of my
flower."


BREAKING NEWS

Just to end the hellish
year 2020, Santa will
only be visiting dyslexic
people this christmas!
Everyone else will be
getting Satan


I just remembered
my cousin from
last Christmas, he
said.......... If I'm
not that seriously
Ill, they are having
Christmas in May?


My Dad was so
tight, he stuck a
cardboard box in
The local alley on
Christmas Eve and
the next morning,
when a homeless
man had moved in,
he told me it was
my 'Dougie the
Druggie' action toy
present.


My wife's seen
some of the big
Christmas presents
I've been
wrapping, and she
looked at the one
With her name on
and said,
"Darling, a
surfboard! you
know l love the
beach." She might
be even more
excited when she
sees the legs that
are meant to go
under it that I had
to wrap separately.

[Piper]

Abraham Lincoln Airport.

John Lennon Airport.

Kennedy Airport.

Maybe Trump should have
an airport named after
him.

Then we wait...


Hopes are running out for
deposed President Donald
Trump having a airport
named after him.
The USA already has one
called 'Pratt', Canada has
a 'Deception' Spain has
the 'Moron', Australia has the
'Useless Loop' and Japan
well.... 'Fukui'


What does a garden
gnome and a dwarf have
in common?
Very little.


"So class" said the teacher,
"Can anyone give me an
example of a sentence?"
"She's" said little Johnny.
"That's not a sentence"
She replied. "It needs
punctuation and context."
"But I heard it last night"
Johnny said. "My brother's
mate started fucking his
rubber doll and it started
leaking. My brother said
" She's full, stop "


Prince Harry and Megan
sign £100 million deal
with Netflix.
He really is the ginger
bread man.


In today's Guardian :
'East 17's Tony Mortimer
on discovering reading -
as a 50-year old.'
Spoiler for ya, Tony the
cat sits on the mat.


That Tony Mortimer
geezer's full of bollocks.
He didn't discover reading,
it's a large historic town in
Berkshire, dating back to
the Roman period.


After Yet another crushing
defeat on FIFA 21 earlier,
I've renamed my team
'Graham Norton FC.'
It's way too sloppy at the
back.


The latest COVID
mutation has been
nicknamed the 'Kate Price
Strain' by scientists.
Nothing spreads faster.

[Piper]

"Hump day" where adults
who could definitely
totally be having
sex.... aren't. But want to
remind you they're super
like super cool hip people
who talk casually about
the sex and aren't in any
way desperate or lonely.

.
"Sussex Police officer
'overwhelmed by work'
hearing told"
Sounds like he needs
arrest.


After seeing a palm
reader, I gave him my
money.
He held the note up to the
light and frowned "This is
Fake," he said
I said,"Now you know
what it feels like."


I said hello to my
Black neighbour this
morning...
"How's it going?" I asked.
"I just want to be left
alone." He said... "my last
neighbour tormented me
with subtle comments
about being a monkey."
I replied... "Sorry for my
howler, I didn't mean to pry
mate."

[Piper]

2020 - a year so good they
named it twice.


Listening to the radio with
the wife earlier.
She said, "Ooh, this is
Elton John, isn't it? Didn't
he do Candle in the Wind?"
I replied, "He Probably tried
it as a teenager."


Why all these ridiculous
demands for teaching
Black History?
We took your chains off
and let you live.
That's it.

[Piper]

The Sydney Harbour New
Year 20/21 fireworks
display cost 6.6 million.
Still, the homeless had a
great view from under the
bridge.


Every year I make a New
Year resolution based on
a famous BeeGee’s song.
Ironically, last year it was
Night Fever. This year it’s
definitely Stayin Alive.


Deep Purple have
re-released Black Knight
as a tribute to Lewis
Hamilton.


Lewis Hamilton

Reminds me of a famous 80's
TV show about a car
known as Knight, thought
the sun shined out of his
backside, had the best
car, let the car do all the
work, touched the steering
wheel every so often for
effect and took all the
praise.

Oh and black.

[Piper]

There's a new Liverpool
band out called the
Pacemakers.


After the death of Gerry
Marsden Elton John will
lead the tributes with a
rendition of "Fairy across
the Mersey"


What's the difference
between a hippy girl and a
Muslim girl?
One gets stoned before
sex, and the other after
sex.


What do you call a muslim
lesbian?
Gasheeta.



What do you call a gay
Muslim?
Mandeep.


Can you imagine Lewis
Hamilton getting a hard
on?
The dark knight rises.


My son said he wants to
sleep with a 1,000 women
before he reaches 30.
I said, "Don't be stupid, you
have to sleep with 30 first"


I just watched that movie
where that dothead
Indian bloke covers all the
Beatles songs.
They definitely missed a
a trick by not also having
him sing "While my Sitar
gently weeps"


Coming soon, Covid, The
Musical. Featuring such
hits as,

I just died in your arms tonight.

Seasons don't fear the reaper.

I fought the law and the law won.

The air that I breathe.

Behind the mask.

Under lock and key.

Stay away.

And of course the number
one best seller, Six feet apart.

[Piper]

Despite reports of her
death, Tanya Roberts
publicist has announced
that she is still alive.
Not quite ready to join
Farrah Fawcett as one of
Charlie's Real Angels.


'Tanya Roberts still alive'

You Only Live Twice

Die Another Day

No Time To Die


Why did the music teacher
go to jail?
Because he fingered the
wrong minor.


I am trying to be more
politically correct these
days: the wife burnt the
dinner, so I gave her an
'eye of colour'


I offered Bonnie Tyler a
quality street earlier but
she declined.
She said she was holding
out for a Hero.


Geese for sale.
If you want any pop around
for a gander.


Midget porn is a little
fucked.


"That's it!" she stormed.
"I can't compete with you
and your 80's rock music.
I'm leaving you. I've met
someone new"
"No! who is it?" I shouted.
"He's called Tommy and
he's not in the least bit
obsessed with Bon Jovi!"
"Tommy?" I said, "He used
to work on the docks."


Does whisky come out of
clothes?
"No silly, Scotland."


My wife referenced
something to me from
Cosmo that women find it
romantic to get "surprise
sex" from their husbands.
So I do what she fucking
wants and roll her fat arse
over at 1am and start
fucking her up the duff,
and all she does is starts
screaming.


If there's one thing I've
learned from fucking
Black girls, it's there no
point in repeatedly asking
"Who's your daddy?"


I thought I'd take my
stamp collection to
lmpress a girl on our first
date.
She said philately will get
you nowhere.


I once had a young black
man try and burgle my
house with a break-in
about 18 years ago.
I pointed my weapon
at him and threatened
to shoot, and while he
continued loading his
sack he laughed "Yo, dats
a paintball gun!"
Anyway, that was the
last thing he fucking said
before those marbles
rearranged his face.

[Piper]

Kim Kardashian and Kanye west's marriage
is OVER.
Hurry up - with a few likes, you might save it.


Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are
reportedly divorcing!
At this difficult time, please give them the
privacy and space they need to make aTV
reality show and album about the break_up.



I'm not surprised Kim and Kanye are getting
divorced, I wouldn't want to wake up to that
ridiculous fake arse every day.


Dr. Dre still got dem Beats.

[slofox]

I'm not surprised Kim and Kanye are getting
divorced, I wouldn't want to wake up to that
ridiculous fake arse every day.




Neither would I! :rofl:

[Piper]

Trump riots. People in
camo, bullet proof vests
and armed with automatic
weapons wandering about
outside.
No wonder they haven't
won a war for years.
West Ham, Millwall and
Leeds would have trashed
the place in 10 minutes.


Climbing up on Capitol
Hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time
stood still
Eagle flew out of the night
He was something to
observe
Came in close, I heard a
voice
Standing stretching every
nerve
Had to listen had no
choice
I did not believe the
information
( I ) just had to trust
imagination
My heart going boom
boom boom
"Son", he said Grab your
things,
I'm Trump to take you
home "


MAGA : Many Arseholes
Go Anarchic


US Officials have
announced that the only
safe way to have sex
during the coronavirus
crisis is to masturbate in
front of your partner.
What a brilliant idea. That
way she'll be able to hold
up the magazine for me
with both hands.


Prince Harry and Megan
Markle don't regret Megxit,
because subservience
to Prince William was
insuffable.
There was also a bloke
running around with a
DNA testing kit.


Tea is like Coronavirus
imported from China
and mutated in Britain.

[Piper]

Donald Chump.


Donald Trump to start
his own social media
platform.
Twattier.


Gone and got myself one
of those things today
that even an American
ex-President can't get.
A twitter account.


A drop dead gorgeous
blonde at the club said
to me, "How about free
drinks all night in return
for sex?"
"Are you sure?" I asked,
"Because," i said, "I can
drink a lot of whisky, you
know."


Drinking Fosters really
puts the wee in weekend.


I took one of my
daughter's dolls and glued
a cock onto it so it has
male parts.
I call it Dolly part-on.


When a woman takes
"artistic, sensual" nudes of
herself, everyone cheers
But when I send a B&W
dic pic with my cock on a
fancy velvet cushion, I am
"a perv" and accused of
sexual harassment?!


Katie Price has had the
COVID jab
Another prick she couldn't
feel. .


Covid, 19, from China
More than willing to
travel. Will need hosting.
No preference. Male,
Female, Old or Young. I
will Fuck anything.
Interested in Movies and
Cartoons, especially
Batman and Batfink.
Favourite Band :Black
Sabbath.
If Covid was on a dating
site.


"Dave. What the fuck is
that dog doing?! I said
teach him to fetch!!"
"Honey, don’t be mad, I
swear I heard you say
felch."

[Piper]

I get knocked down,
but I get up again
You are never gonna keep
me down
I get knocked down, but I
get up again
You are never gonna keep
me down
I get knocked down, but I
get up again
You are never gonna keep
me down
I get knocked down, but I
get up again
You are never gonna keep
me down

I drink a whiskey drink, I
drink a vodka drink
I drink a Lager drink, I drink
a Cider drink
I sing the songs that
remind me of the good
times
I sing the songs that
remind me of the best
times

Tubthumping by
Trumpawamba

[Piper]

Nex to me in the pub
there was a Londoner.
He had a strong cockney
accent.
This guy's date went to the
toilet and he pulled out a
crossword book.
I was helping him with a
crossword.
"Six letter, contributes to
a result..." he said. "I want
to get this one before my
bird comes back."
I said, Factor. "
He said," Nah, not yet bud.
She's waiting till the third
date. "


Trump has a fantastic
plan for his supporters
to be able to overwhelm,
surprise, and infiltrate the
Establishment with the
Next "Insurrection."
So they can get close
they'll be disguised as a
Black Lives Matter mob
until the last minute.


Trump is being charged
with sedition.
It would be better for all of
us, if instead of charging
Him with sedition, they
charged him with 2000
volts!


Australian cricket
captain Tim Paine says
that Cricket Has Every
Australian Talking shit.
CHEATS for short.


What does Jeremy
Clarkson have for
breakfast?
Hammond eggs.


The girlfriend was
wanking me and I asked,
"How are you so good at
this?"
She replied, "Years of
practice."
"A bit of a player in your
day were you?" I laughed.
"No", she said, "I was born
and raised in Thailand."


Nobody does this, nobody
bothers to even pick that
up - my wife is forever
praising this "nobody" just
wait till I get my hands on
the smug little cunt.

[Laava]

Loved this, hated the series!

[Piper]

Bruce Willis has admitted
to making an "error of
judgement" after
reportedly being asked to
leave a Los Angeles store
for refusing to wear a face
mask.
Apparently, he wasn't even
aware of the effects of his
actions, until a young boy
walked up to him and said,
"I see dead people."


There she was just a
walking down the street
singing "doo ah diddy
diddy dum diddy doo"
Is this a lyric from a love
song by Manfred Man
or has your mum not
taken her medication this
morning?


Back in my day, you would
cough to cover up a fart,
Now with COVID - 19 you
fart to cover up a cough.


The sun : NEWS : "Boris
Johnson has said the UK's
border control's tough
measures will stop the
new variant of Covid-19
found in Brazil from
entering Britain".
How do they intend to
keep out an invisible virus
when they couldn't prevent
3,713 illegal immigrants
entering Britain illegally
last year and you can see
them!


Trump has been
impeached more times
than I've had sex this past
year!


Have sent Donald Trump a
butt plug.
So that it will stop him
talking out of his arse.


I thought I saw a cow's
arsehole on the television.
Then I realised it was
Donald Trump's mouth.


Someone should perfect a
bread recipe based around
dill. How many women
would admit kneading
their dill dough?

[Piper]

According to Australia,
COVID stands for
"citizens of Victoria
ignoring directions"


This waitress dropped a
cup of mayonnaise on
the floor and it splattered
everywhere.
Amazingly I actually got
lucky that night informing
her that that's what I'd like
to do to her face and leave
it looking like a painter's
radio.


Mystery surrounds the
Tower of London where
a black raven has gone
missing.

Not much mystery to me...

It probably got one of the
other ravens pregnant and
being black fucked off.

[Piper]

Last night I found out we
had black people in our
family tree!...
Not to worry though, Dad
got his shotgun and shot
them out of the branches!


It's a five minute walk
from my house to the pub.
It's a thirty five minute
walk from the pub to my
house.
The difference is
staggering!!


What is now black on top
and white on the bottom?
Society.


I've got a business selling
panty pads and Viagra.
They call me the rag and
bone man.


Do they allow loud
laughing in Hawaii, or just
a low ha?


Katie Price wants Harvey
to finally meet his secret
half-brother and tells ex
Dwight Yorke 'the door is
always open'
To be fair, it's probably
safe to say that it just
won't close anymore.


Sometimes people appear
unexpectedly in your life,
make your heart race
and after you surrender
yourself to them, your life
changes forever.
These people are called
cops.


Why couldn't the
stuttering rimmer say the
word 'anus'?
Because it was stuck on
the tip of his tongue.


I've just bought a Liverpool
shirt, and it's the best
thing, so far, for social
distancing.


I crashed my car this
morning on the motorway
and had to leave it on the
hard shoulder.
I phoned up my insurance
company and the woman
on the phone asked,
"Are you in the AA?"
I said, "No, but I am
concerned I've been
drinking too much."


My missus kept harping
on for me to buy her
ladies lynx for her
birthday. She went fucking
mental when I gave her a
chain off a ladies bike.


Report : Undertakers could
save money by not putting
the final nail in the coffin.
In tests, no corpse has
managed to push the lid
off yet.


There's more Chinese
people in the world than
any other nationality. My
wife must think I'm a sex
God because she's given
me a Chinese nickname.
Mousey Dong.


For sale.
Charity tins.
Buyer collects.


Life is shit and after death
there is nothing.
So nothing is better than
Shit


A tube of lubricating
gel please, I said to the
pharmacist.
"K. Y," she replied.
Because my wife's twat
is as dry as sticks. That's
why if you must know.


Girls High School Career
Advice Of The Day

Could you be a mermaid?

Flexible working hours

No knickers

No periods

Terrific sea food diet

Great hair

Free bra ( made of clam
shells.... better line them
with something soft ).

Opportunity to entice
men to their deaths by
drowning.

[Piper]

Biden inauguration
LATEST - 'Insider -
ASSASSINATION' fears
force vetting of 25k
National Guards as Trump
presidency ends.... get
your tickets now from
AXA and Ticketmaster.
FYI: Anyone remember
the movie Seven Days In
May.... just saying.


Can't stand cricket it's just
a bloke hitting a ball with
a piece of wood.
Give me snooker any day!


Call to prioritise minority
ethnic groups for a Covid
jab.
Would be ironic, them
getting shot for a change.


I got an infection in my
urethra.
The doctor said we should
try penicillin.
I said I've already put
a pencil in and it just
popped the blisters.


My missus is thick as
fuck. I've just shagged her
for the last 30 seconds
and told her that that the
little prick will protect
her against Covid until
her next one in about six
months....


Been in bed with
Covid! Stupid name for a
woman I know but she's a
bit of a looker and we've
had some great sex and to
be fair, she got me some
time off when I rang
in the morning to say that
I won't be in as I'm in bed
with Covid and my kind
boss told me not to go
back for 10 days!


Donald Trump is being
replaced by the New
Order.
How does it feel?


Hey babe, let's make like
sheep and let me ram
ewe.


I run a pirate radio station
out of my burger van.
I'm MC Donald on the
wheels of veal.

[Piper]

Kamala Harris, the new
vice president of the
U. S. A is the first woman
to hold that office and
is of mixed race, Indian
and Jamaican
father.
This should really
please Donald Trump's
supporters when she
becomes president after
president Joe Biden pegs
it. They'll need more than
25,000 National Guards for
that event.


Now that Donald Trump
is no longer President,
he's looking forward to
spending less time on the
golf course.


Donald Trump
There egos.


Day one.
Biden puts thousands of
bricklayers out of work.


I've just watched Lady
Gaga sing the national
anthem at Joe Biben's
Presidential inauguration.
Amazing voice, she's
definitely my favourite
male singer.


Nice to see Lady
Gaga singing at the
inauguration of her father,
president Gaga.


And just like that the
Trump has gone. I opened
a window, sorry about that.

( been waiting four years to post this joke.)

[Piper]

Today is Linda Blair's 62nd
birthday She looks great.
Even at her age she is still
turning heads....


Full time score
Covid 400,000 def
Trump 0.

[Piper]

This new President is less
MAGA and more SAGA.


At the US Presidential
Inauguration :

Good of Garth Brooks to
break away from his KFC
family bucket to show the
world he really knows how
to fuck up a song.


Boris is already licking Biden's boots.
And here I was thinking the Democrats were
against slavery.


My wife really hates it when I say "you're just
like your fucking mother."
To be honest she hates it when I say anything
during sex.


My new postwoman is Chinese.
Her names Mai Ling.

The missus said she wanted
treating for her birthday.
So I painted her with
Cuprinol.


This Muslim I was
working with on a tower
scaffolding lost his
footing and slipped. I
managed to grab his hand
as he was dangling 150
feet in the air.
"Please, Please," he
begged, "don't let me
drop!"
"Will you eat my bacon
sandwich if I pull you up?"
"Yes! Yes! of course I will"
he said.
So I let him go. I'm not
having a fucking Muslim
steal my breakfast.

[Piper]

President Biden has added
a bust of Rosa Parks to
the Oval Office. It's not on
his desk or anything, it's
on a shelf up the back.


fact of the day.... there
have been 2 different
American presidents since
Liverpool last scored a
goal!

[Piper]

Barbie have released 10 new
dolls to make black girls
feel more represented.
They come with
accessories such as
a flick knife, needles,
wraps, spoon, afro comb,
coconut hair cream,
condoms and minge
wipes.


"Woman 'sacked' from
chippy for giving free
sausage to a homeless
man"
I remember a bloke who
gave a free sausage to a
homeless woman. He got
five years.


People who are employed
are called employees.
People who have the covid
test are called
called testes.



Lampard on his sacking
from Chelsea :
" Friends and family are
everything, " said the
former midfielder. "When I
got home, John Terry was
already there comforting
Christine on the
couch. Not sure how he
heard the news so quickly,
but they were both red-faced
and breathless with
emotion."

[Piper]

"Space walk will be
one great leap for UK
innovation."
The bloke who wrote that
will change his mind when
he realises it's really a
new dance fad similar to
twerking.


Liverpool have all been
drug tested because
of their recent poor
performances. Needless
to say, they all tested
negative.
Probably because they
just can't score.


Here's a top tip for when
all the Travel bans are
lifted fellas. Always make
sure you're behind a hot
girl at the airport security.
Then when she's putting
her shoes and belt back
on you can imagine you're
just slept with her, except
you don't have to call her
an Uber.


I said to my wife, "I think
that's a 'Chick with a
Dick'!"
"No, that's a rooster."


I hear Jesy Nelson's
cousin is to appear on The
Voice.
If she's anything like Jesy
I suggest she goes on The
Masked Singer.

[Piper]

Just a word of warning.
If a door to door salesman
comes to your house
selling a magic penis,
don't say, "Magic penis my
arse."


My grandfather used to
say, "When all you have
is a hammer, the whole
world looks like a nail."
Nice man terrible vet.


I'm trying to decide which
pop/rock band are the
biggest bunch of cunts.
U2 have got the edge I
think.


Sean Connery's autopsy :
Time of death?
0:07


The wife and I were
watching reruns of
Cheers.
She said her favourite
character was Cliff Clavin.
She always goes beyond
the norm.

[Piper]

Captain Sir Thomas
Moore's daughter has
tweeted that her father
has tested positive
with Covid and has been
admitted to hospital.
When asked if she thinks
he'll overcome it, she said,
I reckon he'll walk it. "


Olivia Newton-John says
she WON'T take the
Coronavirus vaccine.
One prick and your
husband fucks off.


Apparently Scientists can
make graphene sheet just
one atom thick.
A spokesman for Walker's
Crisps said," That's nothing
new we' ve been using that
technology for decades."


Scientists boasting about
about a one atom thick
graphene sheet.
Fuck all.
They obviously never
saw a Karen Carpenter
sandwich.


I have an awful track
record with the ladies. I've
been binned more times
than Karen Carpenters
meals.


Life is not so bad after
all.... if you were unluckly
enough to be born as a
drone bee, this is what you
have to look forward to.

Drone bees live with one
purpose in mind: mating
with a queen, when
They're lucky enough to
achieve it, it only lasts a
few seconds, and they die
immediately afterward,
because their penis and
abdominal tissues are
violently ripped from
the body as part of the
process. If that's the reward for
shagging the Queen no
wonder Prince Phillip looks
fucked.


I've been listening to
music by the Artic
Monkeys, The Strokes and
Coldplay but it's given me
a stomach pain. Think I
might have Indie gestion.


Do you know what Noah's
wife is called?
Joan of Arc.


Do I reminisce about
being the most successful
Patrol guard at the US/Mexico
border?
I never let a Dago by.

[Piper]

"George Osborne to
relinquish media and
investment jobs to
become full-time banker"
I thought he was one
of those anyway. Oh,
BANKER!


Former Chancellor of.
the Exchequer, George
Osborne, has left his
newspaper editor's role
in order to become a full-time
banker.
In rhyming slang, he's
already there.

Elon Musk says he wired
a monkeys brain to play
video games.
A new president in the
making?


Trump's entire legal team
just quit.
Trump just got an LLB
from Trump University and
will defend himself.
Win some, lose some.


There's this black guy at
work who's actually quite
conservative and also
really likes Trump in the
USA.
He flew off the
fucking handle like all
the others though when
I jokingly called him a
Trumpanzee.

[Piper]

I'm sick of David
Attenborough whining
about species going
extinct because of climate
change, without stating
the obvious.
We need to eat them
whilst we can.


Porn improves cardio-vascular
fitness, lowers blood pressure
helps with mental health,
improves sexual well-being and
can lead to better
relationships, claim the
WHO.
I love my Jenna ration.

[Piper]

Whenever I hear or see
Australia, I think of Mary
Poppins.

Crim criminey
Crim criminey
Crim criminey cher-ee!
A sweep is as lucky
As lucky can be
Crim criminey
Crim criminey
Crim criminey cher-oo!
Good luck will rub off
When
I shakes 'ands with you
Or blow me a kiss
And that's lucky too


I was in the supermarket
and this hot bird was
checking me out.
Then she looked at me
seductively and said...
"Cash or card?"


My dad always said never
forget where you came
from.... that's why I've
always felt like a cock and
a cunt all my life....


The covid vaccine is 95 %
effective. It sounds high
but to put it in perspective
imagine that's how
effective your girlfriend's
contraceptive pill was.


When my dad told me
advice on grooming, I was
very disappointed when
he started by producing a
comb and aftershave.

[Piper]

With all the recent
celebrity deaths I'm
worried about Mark
Knopfler.
Somebody told me he was
in dire straits.


Got a new tyre fitted today
and the mechanic asked
for a box of Cadbury's
chocolates as payment.
It was a Goodyear for the
Roses.


The source of American
obesity :
In 1984 the UK song "Feed
The World" was released.
IN 1985 the Americans
released the song "We Are
The World"



All these people moaning
about Covid restrictions....
They need to get out more.

[Piper]

Christopher Plummer now
appearing in the "The Sound
Of Silence"


I don't trust the owls at
Machu Picchu. I reckon
They're all Inca hoots.


My word is my bond.
Apparently not good
enough if you’re applying
for bail outside the U.K.


"Former Royal Academy of
Music professor defeated
in court battle over
Landolfi violin".
Obviously somebody was
on the fiddle here.

[Piper]

Simon Weston has
decided to make his own
version of the 'George
Foreman Grill'.
It's so good he has put his
own face on it.


A prolific Nottingham
criminal nicknamed the
Joker, has been jailed
after dropping a bowling
ball on a council worker's
head.
The rest of the workers
went out on strike.


David Beckham signs a
£10million deal to be the
media-friendly face of
'homophobic' Qatar.
There was a bit of money
left in the brown paper
bag.


It's just come to light how
Sean Connery's family
knew he was dead. They
shook him, but he never
stirred.


BREAKING NEWS : Prince
Harry mocked after
parading himself on an
open - top bus with James
Corden.
Hardly surprising. Harry
has been riding an old
bus since his wedding to
Markle



The reason why Adrian
Mole had such a crush on
Pandora. He wanted to
open her box.

[Piper]

HAPPY ALENTINES
AY
for those that won't be
getting the V or the D on
February 14th.


Take it to the limit one
more time. I fucking
hate these musical
bathroom scales....


I ordered a thin crusty
Supreme from the local
pizza joint.
They sent me Diana
Ross.


My eight year old son
was playing football in
the garden when he tripped
over his own feet. He
screamed and thrashed
about like he had been
battered.
I was so proud, my son
is going to be a premier
league player someday.


Going in I had one rule
that stuck with me. Dont
drop the soap. Well I didn't
drop it, not once in two
and a half years. Its the
best bit of advice I was
ever given and the best I
can ever give.
Trust me, it just really
helps to have something
to bite down on.

[Piper]

What does a pissed off
Aussie have for Sunday
lunch?
Rack of lamb.


When shopping, does
anything affect your
statutory rights?


I have a hot tub in
my back garden and
sometimes my daughter's
useless layabout black
boyfriend will spend as
long as 3 hours just sitting
in it and relaxing in it.
My mate Dave asked me
why the fuck I tolerate
this, and I just handed
him a bunch of medical
literature about how
jacuzzis can absolutely
destroy sperm count.


I asked my neighbour
if he would help me
find out what DIY
means.. He said "do it
yourself."
What an unhelpful
prick!


Bruce Springsteen
has just released
his follow up to
Spirit In The Night,
provisionally entitled
Spirits In The Driver's
Seat. It's available to
down in one Drop-ify,
Boozer and Tipal, but isn't
available on Apple Juice
iTunes.


I thought I would count
how many seconds
were in 24 hours, I got to
86,400, and decided to
call it a day


My mate Dave went on a rant
about Rappers...
"Fuckin ' lot o' shite, worst
music ever a monkey
could write that, looks like
a monkey could perform it
as well."
I replied... "You should
be ashamed of yourself
that's completely out of
order... calling it music."

[Piper]

HELLO DOC, this is SNOW
WHITE.
Doc-Hello Snow and what
can I do for you?
SNOW - Well I've been
living as a guest of 7
friends, and all of a
sudden i don't feel well,
a loss of taste, smell,
dry continuous cough,
SNEEZY, it's making me
very GRUMPY.
DOC-Oh dear Snow it
sounds like COVID to me,
you need to self isolate.
SNOW-OH my, how do I
tell the Dwarfs?
Doc-Don't be BASHFUL,
take paracetamol it may
make you DOPEY, then
SLEEPY, but ten days of
not having to suck Dwarf
cock will help your cough,
and after that hopefully
you will live HAPPY
ever after.
Snow-Thanks Doc.


My girlfriend started to
Whine, I gently patted her
back saying, "That's right.
Let it all out"... sadly... it
doesn't matter how much
air you remove, you can
never get your blow-up
doll back into the box.


"I hear you split up with
your wife."
"I did. Would you stay with
someone that sat about in
their bra and pants all day,
drinking Gin and watching
'Loose women'?"
"I sure wouldn't.
" Well neither would she. "


What do 'ou call a 600lb
fat greedy Indian woman?
Binjeeta.


I'm an optimistic
pessimist.
I'm positive things will go
wrong.


1st rule of business is to
" Know your customers. "
This is why America has
the widest entrances to
their shops than any other
country.


My neighbour just banged
on the wall at 4.20am,can
you believe that? Lucky I
was still up playing music.
He banged and shouted,
"Can we have a little
respect please?"
So I shouted back, "I am
not a big Aretha franklin
fan, but this ones for you."


Harry and Megan are
expecting their second
child.
Not so fast Harry ;
normally the second royal
child is from a different
dad.


Instead of shelling out
massive sums of money
to firms like Pfizer and
Astra Zeneca for Covid
treatments, why not
ask one of the Tennis
superstars to help?
Roger Federer for example
can make a cortisone.


What are Muslim women
getting to prevent
Coronavirus?
The hi-jab.


American gang The
Bloods, have established
a bartering system, using
foot digits obtained from
their dead enemies
It's a Crip Toe currency.

[Piper]

There's now a saliva
test which claims to tell
whether you're gay or
straight.
I guess the deciding factor
is if it tastes of fucking
cum.


A BBC worker was sacked
for downloading porn
at work - despite being
completely blind.
A colleague said, "No one
can understand why he
was downloading porn,
he's been blind since he
was a teenager."
Hmm....... I wonder what
caused that.



Princess Eugenie has
given birth to a baby boy.
Her father Prince Andrew,
says he is overjoyed
and can't wait to wet the
baby's head... And face
and chest.
And if it's got another
round in it, all over it's
back too.


What's with all the double
barreled names with
footballers.
Used to be stinky old
cunts that drove Jags,
played golf and wore
tweeted jackets with leather
elbow patches.
I suppose that's what
getting paid $400,000 a
week does to you.
Oh... the equality.

[Piper]

Oprah was asked if she
thinks Harry and Meghan 's
interview will surpass
Michael Jackson' s viewing
figures.
Personally I don't think
they'll beat it.


Looks like Meghan Markle
or whatever the fuck she's
now called is now going
to have to search for
other planets to tell that
she doesn't want publicity
now that she's told the 7.4
billion people of Earth.


The neighbours kept
me up all night because
they were having sex in
the early hours of the
morning.
I would've asked my wife
to knock on their door, but
she was out playing tennis
wlth her friends...


Sex is a bit like clicking
your pen: It's fine when
you do it, but it's not
something someone else
wants to hear.


I made my wife so happy
last night when I told her
she has "the face of a
princess."
She was much less so
when I elaborated I was
specifically talking about
Beatrice.


New research shows porn
give young people an
unrealistic and unhealthy
idea of how quickly a
plumber will come to your
house.


People think that being a
taxi driver with dyslexia is
difficult.
It's as easy as C, A, B


I got depressed when
I lost my job at the
Apple factory.
"Have you been taking
any tablets?" asked the
doctors.
"Yeah why do you think I
got the fucking sack?"


My ex-wife was livid with
me because our young
daughter was crying after
my one night of custody
with her...
"What,?" I asked, You told
me she loved watching
that piggy thing? "
" I meant peppa pig, not
fucking Deliverance. "


Apparently mine and the
wife's idea of all black
men being hung are totally
different.


I always know when
my girlfriend has had
an orgasm, in fact I am
confident.
It's the look on her face
when she comes home....


What do you call a Korean
paedophile?
Li Kim Young.


Why does the Argentine
navy have a submarine?.
So it can go underwater
and check out the rest of
It's navy.


"Anvil: the 80's metal band icons
who were born to fail"
After every concert they'd
go to the bar and get
hammered.


Porn improves cardio-vascular
fitness, lowers blood pressure,
helps with mental health,
lmproves sexual well-being and
can iead to better
relationships, claim the
WHO.


"Push! Push!" I screamed
at my pregnant wife today.
But her efforts still
couldn't get my car to
start, the lazy twat.


"I put an abortion clinic
out of business."
"I didn't realise you were
so pro life and anti-abortion."
"I'm not, I opened a coat
hanger shop next door to
it."


Nicola Sturgeon has
warned Scots not to book
Easter holidays.
Looks like Blackpool's
East European prostitutes
will have to wait until
summer before they can
afford smack again.


Bored during
lockdown????
Call a women’s group and
ask to speak to the man in
charge.


Lesson learned tonight :
There is no such thing as
a goalie in darts.

[Piper]

Prince Philip is in the King
Edward VII Hospital in
London as a precaution.
He obviously didn't drive
there then.


Prince Philip has been
admitted to hospital as
a precautionary measure
after 'feeling unwell.'
Myself and the other 4.4
million on the NHS
waiting list wish him a
speedy recovery.


If the Prince gets out of
hospital this time, he's
gonna party like he's 99!


Prince Philip admitted to
hospital after feeling a bit
flaky. Well,he is 99.


Prince Philip, Duke of
Edinburgh
Royal Knight of the Garter
Prince Andrew, Duke of
York
Royal Knight of the Minor
Garter.


Prince Harry 'will be
banned from wearing
military outfits as official
events when he is stripped
of honorary titles '
Oh well, there's still the SS
uniform.

[Piper]

"Dolly Parton asks for
statue plans to go on
hold."
For purely practical
reasons. The sculptor said
if carved faithfully it would
be so top heavy it would
fall over.


Dolly Parton has asked
the state of Tennessee
not to erect a statue of
her, saying she doesn't
think it's right with the way
things are at the moment.
I would agree a statue
seems a bit much.
A bust would be more
appropriate.


Gary Glitter has been
given the covid vaccine in
prison.
He has had a prick in him
for a change.


NASA's Perseverance
rover has finally landed on
Mars.
That's the most effort
anyone has put into
investigating a dry and
barren wasteland since
Madonna's gynaecologist
at her last smear test.


NASA have landed a Rover
on Mars after a 300million
mile voyage.
Fucking Hell, the one I
drove in the 90s barely
used to make it to
Wellington.

[Piper]

Working at McDonald's isn't great
and I often find myself
laughed at by customers when
I try and flirt a little.
Just the other day for example
some young bird said, "You
have no chance with me
pin dick, hurry up
with my order!"
I smiled and replied, "once
you have tried a big mac, you
won't be needing your chicken
nuggets. "


Did you hear about the 2 gay
ghosts?
They were putting the
willies up each other.


If only 6 of the 7 dwarfs
turned up for work would
They be shorted staffed?



The Telegraph:
Harry and Megan tell the Queen
they will not return as
working Royals :
Now there's an oxymoron
if ever I heard one.

[Piper]

"The only wrong way to
be a woman these days is
to stand up for woman's
rights.
Try lying down instead
most managers can't
resist that.


Kim Kardashian files for
divorce from Kanye West.
Makes a nice change to
hear of a black not just
filing to escape from
prison.


When Meghan Markle saw
an advert for washing up
iquid saying "Women all
over America are fighting
greasy pots and pans,"
She was so outraged by
the sexist, demoralising
content it prompted her
To write to the advertising
company complaining
that it's not iust a
woman’s job and that all
her servants had equal
opportunities.


" Two wines please. "
" Did you girls come
together tonight?"
"Yes"
"Cool. Did you get it on
video?"


When my wife said she
was going to give up
chocolate for Lent this
year, I said she'd never be
able to do it.
"I was right," I laughed
to myself, as I was
coming home two days
later this black guy was
climbing like a monkey
right out of our bedroom
window.


Harry went into his
relationship with Meghan
with his flies wide open.


Prince Charles
encourage children to
explore nature.
Just like he did his own
children
..... with shotguns and
packs of dogs.


'underground church'
pastor arrested... "
He was betrayed by a
mole.


" Texas Rocked By Food
Shortages... "
Not as drastic as it
sounds, apparently it's
a new progressive band
from Abilene.

[Piper]

Disney adds content
warning over 'negative
stereotypes' on Jim
Henson's comedy show
from the late 1970s.
Muppets.


"Do you have any Disney
films?"
"I have some Mickey
Mouse ones."
"No thanks, I'm looking for
the real thing."


I just heard Daft
Punk have split up
What Da Funk?


What did Meghan Markle
say to Harry the moment
after he said "I Do"?
"Ha ha, you've been
tango'ed."




White vowels : A, E, I, O, U
and sometimes Y
Black vowels : I O U? Y?


I've heard a bit of the
interview with Harry and
Meg's and it went a bit like
this,
" Yeah, so had a bit of a
Barney with me old man
n that, fell out with me
sister coz she's proper
envious of my acting in
that, oh and I bagged a
Prince, alright he's a ginger
but you gets em where
you can, and there was
no fooking way I was
going to stand next to that
skinny fooker Kate, she
made me look a right fat
cunt, anyway, I'm off to
cash me nexfilx cheque
Ya bastards, see Ya"...

[Piper]

On Friday we had that
absolutely insufferable
"Diversity Training" where
like they were instructed
at Coca Cola, we were told
to be "Less White"!
So on Monday I do just
what they fucking want
and get all blacked up
and wear in a set of Joke
Store lips and some bling
bling, and now I'm told I'm
facing the sack.


A gorgeous, big-titted
blonde hopped in the back
of my taxi.
"Where to love?"
I enquired.
"How about your place."
She purred.
"Okay," I replied, "that'll
be about £23 though it's
quite far."


"If you want to live a
happy life, tie it to a goal" -
Albert Einstein.
We'll I tried that, genius
and all I got was a lifetime
ban from Chelsea and
Six weeks for indecent
exposure.


The child who is not
embraced by the village,
will burn it down to feel its
warmth ( African Proverb )
I come from a broken
home. I broke it. ( Sid Snot )


SpecSavers are building a
Supercentre in China.
That's a site for sore eyes.


I asked a guy from
Birmingham if he was free
to tell me the name of the
upcoming James Bond
film.
"No time today" he replied
"No worries I'll ask
someone else then," I said.


I saw a golf buggy parked
in a disabled parking
space outside countdown
this morning. I thought to myself, "I
wonder what his handicap
is?"


How many times did Tiger
Woods car fly through the
air?
Fore!


Tiger Woods has been
pulled from the wreckage
of a serious car crash
Surprising he's usually
very good at driving.


Bad day for people named
after animals
Sturgeon
Salmond
Tiger


What's the difference
between Tiger Woods
playing golf and driving a
car?
In golf, Tiger can
stay out of the trees.


Tiger Woods owns a lot of
expensive cars.
Now he has a hole in one.


I can't blame Tiger for that
one, he was between
clubs.


So, Tiger Woods in
hospital.
He needs to practice his
drive.


Tiger Woods shouldÂ’ve
used a driver


Looks like Tiger Woods
needs some driving
lessons


A misjudged little birdie
told me Tiger Woods was
Shit at driving.


I knew the Duke of
Edinburgh had given lp
his driving licence.
I didnt know he'd given it
to Tiger Woods.


Tiger Woods Sat Nav after
crashing
FOREEE RIGHT!


That's a roll in one...

Top Tip:
If you're gardening in LA,
and someone shouts
'FOUR', Quickly check the
sky for SUV's


PGA to reassess Tiger
Woods handicap.


Tiger into the rough


Sheriff said regarding the
Tiger Woods crash that
there was "no sign of
braking no skidmarks"
Have they checked inside
his underwear?

[Jase H]

"I saw a golf buggy parked
in a disabled parking
space outside countdown
this morning. I thought to myself, "I
wonder what his handicap
is?"

It's probably Tiger Woods. Didn't think a professional golfer could drive so bad...

[Piper]

Stay with me on this... I've
just read that a white
guy, Harry Shearer, who
does voice of Dr Hibbert
in The Simpsons is to
be replaced by black
actor Kevin Richardson
as the show said white
actors would stop doing
voices of ethnic minority
characters. Poor Harry
Shearer does voice of
Mr Burns and Waylon
Smithers Jnr too and as
Waylons character came
out as gay a few years
ago looks like Harry is
going to lose another
voice. If they don't take
work off him that means
The Simpsons are fair
with ethnic minorities but
not with homosexuals.
I see it as black actor
stealing white guys job
and if Harry is going to
lose his Waylon voice to
a homosexual actor he is
going to feel shafted. The
Simpsons, so true to life.


What's the difference
between a car and a golf
ball?
Tiger can drive a ball 300
Yards without a near-death
experience.


The crash seems to have
damaged his legs, but the
jolt might have reset his
back. Too early to say if
It's an eagle or a double
bogey.


After watching Tiger
Woods on the tele for
years, I always thought he
was a good driver.
After seeing the state of
his car after his crash,
obviously he's lost his
touch.


So much for eye of the
Tiger! Should've looked
where he was going.


I know we often confused
Black celebrities with
each other but the Queen
confusing Tiger Woods
with Meghan Markle is a
bit over the top.


We had a rolling blackout
in our area yesterday.
Turned out it was Tiger
Woods.


"Putt- putt- - putt- putt- putt-
putt-putt-putt." - Tiger
Woods exhaust pipe.


Poor Tiger Woods. It's
going to be a while for him
to put his hands on the
end of a big long shaft.
Oooooooh.


I've just been evicted.
Unlike Tiger Woods, I need
a place to crash.


Last night I couldn't
remember the name of
that horse that recently
won 2 grand nationals in
consecutive year, then I
flicked the news on and it
came to me.
Tiger Roll.


I've been saying it for
years,. If Tiger Woods is
going to get competitive
again, he's got to improve
his driving


If only he'd used that
little lemon wipe after
devouring his Bargain
Bucket the crash may
never have happened

[Piper]

The Guardian :
Sailor survives for 14
hours in ocean by clinging
to a buoy.
Isn't that what sailors do
best?


The nurses treating Tiger
Woods say he's firmly
upright and in good spirits and
said to be much more like
his old self.
That's reassuring to hear
that he's already pissed and
got an erection


Hello and welcome to
another episode of Top
Gear. On tonight’s show
our star in a reasonably
priced car is Tiger Woods
and he is going to be
finding out which is the
quickest way to the local
hospital.
By ambulance or by SUV?


Tiger Woods wife has
admitted she has a major
feet fetish
That's neat, that's neat,
That's neat, that's neat.


It's the first time I've seen
Tiger drive off into the
rough.



The sherrif who attended
the Tiger Woods, accident
comfirmed he wasn't
drunk.
"We asked him to do a
field sobriety test where
the driver is asked to
count from 1 to 100 really
fast. And we were really
happy that he did it with
100 doller bills as well."

[Piper]

Following on from Mr Potato Head
becoming gender neutral, children's
classic The Mr Men is to be renamed
so it is no longer offensive.
It will now be known as "The
Coloured People" .


Mr Potato Head is now just called
Potato Head. As a result, Mrs Potato
Head now wishes to be known by her
first name, Jackie.


Mr Potato Head has gone
the same way as ponce
Harry he's also lost his
meat 'n two veg!


" Mr Potato Head" is
getting the Mr dropped
in a half-baked gender-
inclusive rebrand so young
kids can play with it and
can "create same-gender
couples with two dad's '
and such.
I'm more disturbed as to
why they think anyone
this young would even
Comtemplate engaging in
this kind of role-play.


I met a female TV
presenter.
I told her to bend over and
present.


I went for a job as a
labourer on a nearby
building site.
The gaffer said, "Can you
make a cup of tea?"
I said, "Yes"
He said, "Can you drive a
forklift?"
I said, "How big is the
fucking teapot?


We were watching a film on the
telly when all of a sudden the bloke
lifts the woman onto the kitchen
top and starts to make love to her.
" Yeah right, " said the wife," As if
that happens. "
" I totally agree, " I replied, " the
only thing that gets fucked in our
kitchen is the food"!


I whispered in her eat what I
would like to do to her and she
said, "I'm getting really wet."
"Turns you on does it?" I asked
"No," she replied, "You dribble a lot."


My wife is always telling me I do not
know anything... how wrong she is.
I know her sister has a birthmark
on the top of her inner leg and her
husband leaves for work at 9am.


Should lesbians be allowed on "Who
Wants To Be A Millionaire?
They have an unfair advantage in
the fastest finger first round.


Easter's coming and I was checking
out some chocolate eggs in the
supermarket.
Then the black teen spotted me
staring down her top.


At 100 and out, Capt. Sir
Tom Moore scored higher
than the English cricket
team v India.

[Piper]

I feel so sorry for the next
generation growing up in
Scotland if the SNP make
law their new hate crime
Bill and gender recognition
act-where you can legally
change your gender at will,
with no checks, doctors
agreement or anything....

"Doctor, we've been unable
to conceive a baby"

"They'd because your both
biologically male"

"No, I'm a man and my
wife is a woman"

"No, your wife is
biologically male"

"Biological? What's that?
She's not a man"

"It's taboo science thing,
it explains how men and
women reproduce"

"But I'm a man and she's
a woman. You need a
man and a woman to
reproduce, we learned that
at school"

"No, you're both
biologically men, you both
have penises and testes"

"No, I'm a man with a
penis and my wife is a
woman with a penis. And
everyone knows men can
have babies now anyway"

"Yes, but those men who
have babies are actually
biologically women"

"OMG!!! I'm reporting you
to the police for a hate
crime and I demand a
second opinion from
a doctor who is not a
transphobe!"

[Piper]

Don't know much about
history,
Don't know much biology,
Don't know much about a
science book,
Don't know much about
the french I took.
Don't know much about
geography,
Don't know much trigonometry
Don't know much about
algebra,
Don't know what s slide
rule is for.

Sam Cooke could have
saved himself the bother
of having to say all that by,
simply saying "I'm black."


A handsome young man
named Skinner
Once took a girl out to
dinner
By a quarter to nine,
They started to dine.,
And by quarter to ten it
was in her
( The dinner, not Skinner )

Another young man
named Tupper
Took the same girl out to
supper.
By quarter past ten,
They were at it again,
And by quarter to twelve it
was up her
( Not Tupper, some bastard
called Skinner )


Coca Cola have advised
all their employees to
be "Less White"
Seamed a good idea until
they all stopped working.


NYPD's $57,000 robotic
police dog named Digidog
accused of racism - as
It seems to only pick on
communities of colour.
That's not racsim, that's
smarts.

[Piper]

Southhampton's defence have
bigger gaps than a coons front
teeth.


"Any man who calls a spade a spade
should be compelled to use one.
It is all he's fit for"
( Oscar Wilde)
But any man who is a spade is too lazy
to pick one up.


What did Elton John say after his 7th
can of Amstel?
Amstel standing Yeah Yeah Yeah.


Kevin De Bruyne has laid
on more balls this season
than Taylor Swift.


I've decided to respect
Harry and Megan's
request for privacy by
not watching their Oprah
interview.


"Clementine Ford's vile
rant against 'garbage' men
of Married At First Sight."
She shouldn't alienate
them if she wants to
get laid in future. Only a
garbage man would shag
an evil bitch like her.


"Oldest footage of
London ever shows
Capital's 'incredible' 100-
year transformation."
Yes, truly amazing. I didn't
see one minaret, one
black face or any men
holding hands.

[Piper]

Today is "International Women's Day",
but don't worry guys
"International Men’s Day"
is coming April 1st.


International Women's Day
cause it's not like women
pat each other on the
back for the rest of the
364 days about how tough
their life is.


International Women's
Day certainly helped make
me aware of how far we
have to go with the issues
of gender inequality and
everyday sexism. I'm sure
I speak on behalf of many
blokes when I say that
all the birds who helped
organise it deserve a pat
on the bottom for their
efforts.


It appears international
Women's Day was a HUGE
success.
Women from all over the
US demonstrated their
feminity by not making
up their minds about
whether they wanted to
celebrate it or not.


Happy Yeah-they-are-
always-right day!


Happy International Dishwashing Day.


In her Commonwealth Day
message, the Queen has
stressed the importance
of keeping in touch with
family to 'transcend
boundaries or division.'
Unless they happen to be
ginger
...... or black.


If ITV paid a million for the
Meghan and Harry interview, I'm
sure we can boost the Royal coffers
by crowd funding to see the Duke
of Edinburgh:s live reaction.


Says a lot about Meghan
Markle that the "classy
Royal wife is still the one
who had her tits in the
paper.


Quintin Crisp lives in.
Buckinghamshire!
American burger chain
Five Guys have confirmed
that their High Wycombe
branch will open their
doors on March 15 -
comment in
BucksFreePress from H-
Dog-There really isn't
anything more lovely than
than the juices of Five
Guys dribbling down my
chin!
Quintin - you are
discovered.


A word to the wise :
Never accidentally walk
into a gay bar and say,
"Give me a large one".


Just checking out nude plcs of
Mel Appleby.
She's never going to respectable.


Fact: Black Africans are
nearly 3 times more likely
to die from COVID than
white people.

Fact: The lowest rate
of take up for COVID
vaccine is amongst BAME,
( Black, Asian, Minority
Ethnics) who believe it will
kill them in a year, has
pork gelatine and has a
tracking microchip.

SOLUTION: Announce that
the COVID vaccine is a
white man's medicine and
will henceforth, only be
given to members of the
Christian, Aryan, race as a
priority.

RESULT: BAME's will.
scream Racism, white
privilege, riot and demand
that they are vaccinated
immediately.
Problem solved.

[Piper]

The royal family are said
to be in a state of fear
over what might be leaked
in tonight's Meghan and
Oprah interview.
Sources within
Buckingham Palace told
reporters The entire
family are sweating. Apart
from Andrew obviously "



Oprah's interview with
Harry and Megan is on
TV tonight.
Prince Andrew has
ordered food for the firm,
pizza Express for a comfy
night in.


Eight things we learned
from the Oprah Winfrey
interview.
1. Harry feels let down by
his dad but he didn't say
which one.

2. They are both dyed in
the wool arse licker w. r. t
the Queen.

3. Their deep sense of
self entitlement took a
massive hit when they
were cut off financially
from the gravy train that is
the Royal Family.

4. Harry is an ungrateful
first class prick.

5. Meghan is a self serving
gold digging cunt.

6. Oprah is a pretentious
twat.

7. Hypocrisy is alive and
well on American chat
shows.

8. I'm not going to appear
on an Honours List any
time soon.


Because of where I'm
employed, I have to be
discreet but let's just say
I work for a well-known
family in the UK.
I went into my boss's
office to take her a cup of
tea and she was on the
phone-I don't know for
sure but it sounds as if
she is planning a surprise
for someone because she
said :
"And it definitely won't be
traced back to me?"
How lovely is that?!

.
Unbelievable news as
Meghan Markle was
chased by a lunatic-type
Black woman as she
was coming out of a L.A
burger restaurant.
Apparently it was the
new black female 007 on
the Mission to have her
whacked.


Following the explosive
Oprah interview Prince
Harry admitted there were
concerns over his child's
skin colour and Prince Philip
was said to be dropping
subtle hints at the time.
"He kept playing The Ace
Of Spades by Motorhead,"
he added.

[Piper]

Today we meet 4
generations of a family
who all live on benefits...
First, the ginger one takes
a DNA test to finally
discover who his real
father is...
Then he asks, "Did my
grandfather kill my
mother?"...
And finally, his dodgy
looking uncle tries not
to sweat under the
pressure of a lie detector
test over some serious
allegations...
Welcome to the Jeremy
Kyle show... Royal Family
special.


When the Queen told
Harry to go look at the
blackbirds, she meant
the gardens of Windsor
castle, not L.A.


I often like to imagine
that Meghan Markle
is giving me a hand job.
She's the best I've ever
fucking seen at grasping.


Buckingham Palace
response:
"We are deeply saddened
by the recent accusations
of racism aimed at the
Royal Family. Our interest
in Archie's colour was for
purely practical reasons
in order that Prince Philip
would know whether to
call it a Nigger, a Sand
Nigger or a Camel Jockey. "


BBC News: " Meghan and
Harry's interview: Tabloid
racism 'large part' of why
we left UK, says duke"
If you think the tabloids
are racist, you might not
want to come on here
much Hazza...


The Queen has moved
to calm things down
by offering Harry and
Meghan Markle a relaxing
weekend in her uncle
Lord Louis Mountbatten's
home in Ireland and
a boat trip round silgo bay
on her new fishing boat
'SHADOW V1


Can't wait for Meghan and
Harry's lnterview on Ellen
next week about how she
was abused and bullied
backstage at the Oprah
Winfrey show.


Due to Meghan and
Harry's loss of royal
privileges..
new staff are-
Media spokesman Nigel
Farage.
Childminder - Prince
Andrew.
Chauffeur - Tiger Woods.
Blood diamond supplier
Kinder surprise.


I've just realised what a
sad life I lead. Royal baby
Archie, who is less than
two years old has already
done three of the things
on my bucket list.
1. Become a billionaire
2. Meet the Queen
3. Suck Meghan's tits.


I'm disgusted by this
whole royal row over
colour.
Poor Archie is just being
used as a black pawn.


Amid all the furore over
Harry's and Megan, the
Queen has brushed aside
accusations of double
standards by reminding
Prince Andrew of his
responsibilities as a
senior Royal.
"Don't get fucking caught"
She told him.


No one could have
predicted that she would
drag things down to this
cheap and tacky level
quite so soon.


Meghan alleges family
member asked how brown
Archie's skin would be
but refused to name the
culprit.
What Prince Philip
actually said was
"Will he look like a spear
chuckler?."


Pity Prince Philip is in
hospital because he's the
type of person who would
have spoken bluntly to.
Meghan Markle. He's known
for his ability to call a
spade a spade.


Hair Tip:
Want to keep your hair
sleek and shiny?
be like Prince Andrew.......
Comb it with Olive oil.
( extra virgin).

[Piper]

Once upon a time there
was a girl who dreamt of
being a princess.

This girl grew up to marry
a prince and her dream of
being royalty came true...

... But as soon as she
realised it would involve
hard work and selfless
dedication to others and
not just jewellery and
dresses courtesy of the
tax payer, she made the
excuses and left this
impossibly luxurious
lifestyle that most
people can only dream
of, to pursue a life of
whining about it on telly
in the most grotesquely
attention seeking manner
imaginable.

And she lived crapply ever
after.


It's not Harry's fault, he
just got swallowed up by a
Black hole.


Archie's clothes are
100% cotton... I wonder if
Meghan's family helped
her pick them...


Rumours that Princess
Anne might be the one
who questioned the colour
of baby Archie, snapped it
wasn't me I call a spade a
spade.


We have gone from... BLM
( Black Lives Matter )
to...
TOTTBLM
( Touch Of The Tar Brush
Lives Matter )


45% of black Brits fear
Covid vaccines are unsafe
or don't work.
Much like 45% of black
Brits.


Do you know what I found strange about the
Harry and Meghan interview?

That despite :

. Meghan saying there were "several
conversations" about "how dark" their baby
Archie might be.

. Meghan disclosing that she felt suicidal
at times.

. Meghan denying a newspaper story that
she made the Duchess of Cambridge cry.

. Harry saying his family "literally cut him
off financially"

. Harry saying his father Prince Charles
"stopped takng his calls"

. Harry saying his brother and father were
"trapped within the system" of the royal
family

. And the couple confirming they are
expecting a baby girl in the summer.

They never once mentioned Gary Haggerty

Very odd.

[Piper]

What's Harry and
Meghan's favourite song?
"I Want To Break Free" by
Queen.


What's the Queen's
favourite song?
'Things That Make you Go
HM'


My girlfriend says I never
satisfy when I masturbate
her.
I'm hoping this time will
be different. I've got my
finger's crossed.


My girlfriend told me she
has issues in the bedroom
with my size. For the
remaining three walls I’ve
yet to paper. I'm going
to use proper wallpaper
paste.

[Piper]

"Car groups throw spanner
in works of EU’s hydrogen
drive."
If they really wanted to
fuck then up, they'd have
thrown a lighted match.


Andy Murray has today
become a father for the
4th time in 5 years.
No wonder he's got a worn
out hip.


Did you know 95% of men
don't like it when a girl
leaves after a one night
stand
.... We love it.


Two black guys in a car
listening to the radio.
Freed From Desire comes
on and one of them starts
singing along when it
kicks in.
The other lad says, "Yeah
I'll have one if you are."


What's the best thing
about fingering a gypsy on
her period?
You get your palm red for
free.


At one point of the
Pandemic the NHS was
delivering 140 Covid
vaccinations a minute,
jabs haven’t been given
that quick since Chris
Brown dated Rihanna.


I love blow jobs. It’s about
the only time, I get to see
my wife's mouth moving
without having to listen
to an incessant stream of
nonsense.


I am being a unhappyily
married man and private
dealer, I am shagging a
married secret pothead.
It's a joint affair..


Mother's Day is going to
be awkward this year.
It coincides with Steak and
Blowjob Day.


My late grandad always
used to say, "skys the
limit."
Great bloke, shit pilot.


My Grandad used to
always say:
"Two heads are better
than one."
Top bloke, shit at minting
coins.

[Piper]

Don't you think it's a bit
Ironic that England
are singing God save
Our Queen after having
a minutes silence for
racism.


I hid an Easter egg for
someone I love on the
Cadbury worldwide hide
site.
The wife's furious that my
girlfriend found it first.


What's the difference
between right and wrong?
Perspective.


What did Speedy Gonzalez
say whilst fitting his
carpet?
"Underlay Underlay
Underlay!


French actress, Corinne
Master has protested
naked on stage during an
award ceremony as the
arts sector in the country
calls on the government
for more support.
Looking at her, I'd think
she'd have had more
chance threatening to go
naked.


I hate being dyslexic.
I booked a vacation and
some cunt in the airport
medical centres trying to
stick a needle in me.


Due to political
correctness poor old
Dick Van Dyke has had to
change his name to Penis
Lorry Lesbian.
Un fuckin believable.


People who use stupid
phrases piss me off.

It is what it. is"...

"Of fucking course it is -
what else could it possibly
be?"

"I'm just going to take
things a day at a time."

"Of fucking course you are
-you can't consolidate
your week into easier ti
manage chunks like you're
some kind of time Lord.

" You can't have your cake
and eat it "

Yes I fucking can unless
it's carrot cake because
that's shit.

( Feel free to add your own.)



Things women say...
Women are equal.
Women should be
respected.
We are not just sex
objects.
Men should be educated
on how to treat women.

Things women do...
Buy millions of copies
of 50 Shades of Grey,
Then complain their
husbands are not sexually
adventurous enough.


Women.

Men need to recognise
women are equal to men.
Men also need to stand up
to other men and protect
women.

Oh my goodness why are men
always fighting each other
they're so stupid?


My black mate has a new
job near the girl that sells
seashells.
His sign says, Shoe Shines
on the seashore.


To all university students.
Remember, every cigarette
you smoke will reduce
the time you're paying off
your student loan by 10
minutes.


Just been charged with
indecent exposure.
Turns out the "Dick Out"
placards were about
the London police
commissioner.


Watched Raya and the last
dragon. A movie about
dragons and trusting
foreigners. Total fantasy.


BREAKING NEWS -
GOVERNMENT HEALTH
OFFICIALS OFFER ADVICE
TAKE THE JAB YOU'RE
FUCKED ANYWAY.

[Piper]

Have you heard about the
new all-Muslim boy band?
They're gonna be called
Quran Quran.


Why did the Queen return
her new curtains?
She didn't realise how dark
they were going to be.


Cressida Dick Chief Of
The Metropolitan Police.
Helen Balls is her deputy.
Fucking hell this stuff just
writes itself.


It's important to have a
day for women a week
or so before the big
St. Patrick's day clean up.


I was just walking over
Westminster Bridge as
a load of feminists with
placards were marching
towards me.
I didn't know whether to
block their passage or
toss myself off.
( credit Max Miller)


"Take away for Dave."
"Here you go. One chicken
ball sweet and sour, flied
lice and chip. €8 prease."
"Thanks, see you soon."
"How you know my
name?


" Met Police chief Cressida
Dick refuses to stand
down."
I can't say I'm surprised,
but I can't see anybody
asking her to lay down.


Fox: " I can't do this. "
Vixen: " Just focus on me,
honey. "
David Attenborough :
" The male penetrates the
female."
Fox: " He's so fucking
creepy. "

[Piper]

Why does the royal family
call the commonwealth
the commonwealth?
Because we are common
and we give them wealth.


"The definition of insanity
is doing the same thing
over and over again, yet
expect different results"
No that's wanking.


"You have brains in your
head. You have feet in
your shoes. You can steer
yourself any direction you
choose."
Someone should tell
those Paki taxi drivers
that in Dr Seuss not the
fucking Highway Code.





Found out the other day
that the Dixie Chicks were
named after the Dixie
States in America.
I'll be honest, I thought it
was because they were a
little bit tranny.


Met a girl on a sex dating
app, her profile said, 40
something, good looking,
slim, great body, fabulous
tits, tight cunt.
Anyway after sex I said
"You do have a great body
and fabulous tits but not
sure your vagina's
smug."
She said, "Oh you
misunderstood my advert
I'm a Scottish Jew. "


If you think Bridgerton
was an awful period
drama, you should watch
what happens when I hide
my wife's tampons...


Heather Mills got Paul
McCartney in lumber....


Studies have shown that
during lockdown, English
men prefer the eagle sex
position, whereas Scottish
men prefer the sixty-nine
position.
Proving once again the
Scots will only eat out
when it's free.


My local Afro Caribbean
barber's has "Nignogs
out" spray painted on the
window.
Surely a sign saying "gone
for lunch, back in 10"
would suffice.


I like my women the way I
like my trains.
Never late.


There might be no "I" in
team, but there's is a "U" in
Cunt.


My wife went on her
mate's hen do last night.
There were huge amounts
of alcohol, one particular
male stripper showed up
and the women got so
drunk, they sucked him off
and ate off him till he left.
20 dollars that mask cost
me.


This means nothing to
me. Great tune, perhaps
not to play as the first
dance at my wedding.


The definition of irony :
The BBC has a
Disinformation reporter.


Whoever said there's no I
in team has clearly never
worked with a Dyslexic.


Since they call Australia
"The Land Down Under"
Shouldn't they call
Scotland "The Land Hung
Over?"


I'm about to have sex,
I have of course put a
Condom on so I won't get
any STD's such as, in this
case, necrosis.


I said to my hairdresser,
"Make me look sexy."
So she started drinking.


A little bear staggers from
a cave, skin and bone
his paws shaking and a
nervous wreck.
His mum said, "Did you
hibernate all winter?"
"HIBERNATE?" He
shouted. "I THOUGHT YOU
SAID MASTERBATE."


There are Two types of
virus in the UK.

A Sars-2 Covid-19 virus..
Sweeps through the
population destroying
thousands of lives...

A Freemasons virus...
Sweeps through the police
Criminal evidence files...
destroying thousands of
files of judges, top coppers
and MP's.


I am amazed at radio
DJ's today. I am fimly
convinced that AM on my
radio stands for Absolute
Moron. I will not begin to.
tell you what FM stands
for.


What's the difference
between fudge cake and
an arsehole?
I can eat my granny's
fudge cake.


In 1985 Rolf Harris
released an educational
video on stranger danger
titled "kids can say No!"
It would have made more
sense if it was called
"kids can say No! ( But I
Hope They Don't)."


What's the best thing
about fucking 21 year
olds?
There's twenty of them.


Things instantly went
sour with the absolutely
stunning 24 year old
young woman I had plans.
to leave my wife for when
I finally took down my
trousers and unfortunately
had to show her my
relatively small penis.
She just stared for a bit
and finally said, "it's like
your cock is playing hide-
and-seek, and its really
good at it."


The wife just challenged
me to an online high-
pitched sound hearing. test.
"The dogs are going
mental but how can you
still hear something? She
asked.
" Im a married man. "
I replied," we're used
to whiny, drawn-out,
unpleasant screeching
noises. "


Went on a Bumble date
with this fantastically sexy
24 year old woman i had
plans to leave my wife for.
She said, "Ooh, you're just
like Richard Gere."
"Wow, it's so great I've
Finally met someone who
can not just accept but
also participate in my anal
gerbilling!"
"Uh, no. I just meant an
attractive older sugar-
daddy with gray hair," she
said as she left.


Why do prunes have a use
by date?
They're to clear
you out.


Some people call me
the space cowboy - even
though I'm not
Some people call me the
gangster of love - even
though I'm not
Some people call me
Maurice Cos I speak of the
pompatus of love-even
though that isn't my name
and I don't know what that
means
Some people can fuck off



I was just making a
comment on someone's
KFC joke and a thought
came to me. If chicken
had black meat instead of
white would hens be twice
as large or would it only
be cocks?


What did the Muslim
Shepard eat for his tea?
Islam.


My wife said she wouldn't
fucking do anal last night
with specific excuse
that it "hurts".
Really?... with all the
fucking black guys that
have been back there, it
should be like a peanut
rattling around in a bucket.


What's the gender neutrai
term for semen then?


Jada Pinkett Smith
revealed she had
a relationship with
songwriter August Alsina
during her marriage.
Where there's a Will
there's away.


How can you spot
Quintin Crisp in a chip
shop?
He's the one with the
battered sausage in his
mouth.

[Piper]

I first met my wife at a
fancy dress party where
I was dressed up as a
ghost.
I decided to woo her.


Tiger Woods has left
hospital to take up his
new role as Meghan and
Harry's Chauffeur...

That lovely weatherman
Owain Wyn Davies can
play the Drums.
He has an excellent
rimming technique
Oooooooh


Every girl is beautiful
sometimes it just takes
the right amount of
alcohol to see it.


After Mr Potato Head
change is the Dough Boy
now to be called Dough
Person? Should stay male
gender as I'm sure he was
fucking inbread.


The black guy next door
reversed into me so I
really went to town on
him.
He gets there quicker than
the bus if you whip him
hard enough.


After thirty years of
marriage my wife and I are
worried about the same
thing. The size of our tits.


I found my first grey pubic
hair today, but it wasn't
mine.
I need to start dating
younger women.


Why did the Dalai Lama go. to the casino?
Tibet.


The #metoo movement
was never going to fail.
No woman is going to
miss an opportunity to
say me.


Hannibal Lecter has sued
The Chainsmokers purely
for naming a song,
Closer...


Quintin Crisp and me sat down
and ordered a couple of
burgers
"Battered rings?" asked
the waitress.
"Only his" .I replied.


I was on a date last night
when the bill came, the
lady said, "we should go
Dutch".
So I sold her into the sex
trade and went and rolled
a joint.


Datsun
An automobile brand
owned by Nissan.
Also Jamaican for a
middle child.


I just remembered that I
had to borrow the train
fare off my Jewish mate
to appear on today's
edition of Bargain Hunt
and I haven't repaid him.
No doubt he'll be watching
with interest.


I call my wife her indoors.
Because she looks like
Jim Morrison.


I once dressed as a
knight before going to a
Fancy - Dress party and
told my wife I'm going as
Sir Launcelot.
She said she was going
to put on a flimsy white
robe and go as Guinevere,
and I said, "No, I've also
gotten you a large suit
of armour, you'll be
Sir Cumference."

[Piper]

When girls say "All guys
ever want from me is sex"
Tell them :
You have no hobbies,
no talents, no wisdom,
no legitimate interests
beyond your personal
vanity, no original
thoughts on politics,
society, philosophy, or
anything else. All you
talk about is random
celebrity dudes you have
crushes on, your exes, and
other shit that revolves
around men or getting
a man while sharing the
most generic memes
imaginable. What else is
there to want from such
a vapid shell of a person?
Your only redeeming
quality is that you can lay
still and take dick!

[Piper]

Attempted robbery in
Paris was thwarted when
the van carrying the stolen
art works ground to a halt
less than 200 metres from
the Louvre.
When questioned by
gendarmes, the thief
admitted his van had run
out of fuel.
He said he had Monet
to buy Degas to make the
Van Gogh, he was skint at
the time and thought he
had nothing Toulouse.
The court artist ( Banksy )
promised images of
the thief in his first
appearance before a
judge, but he was currently
unable to say where or
when.


I like to think outside the
box.
So I thought I'd try anal.


Wife: "Call me asap, it's
urgent."
Husband : "Your names
Karen and you're a sap."


The lady who was
interviewing me for a
job said, "I've got three
openings.
" Obviously, " I replied,
" You're a woman. "

[Piper]

Whenever we have sex, my
girlfriend always says she
can hear wedding bells
But I guess that's my fault
for shagging an obsessive
campanologist.


My wife and I are now
sleeping in separate
rooms.
She sleeps in our bed.
I'm in her sister's.


In 36 years, Harry's
American-born child
will be able to run for
president.
Way to play the long
game, King George lll


Which came first, the
children or the egg?
After fingering both, my
test suggests the chicken.


My wife said she was
leaving me because of
my obsession with the
70's glam rock band 'The
Sweet.'
I think it's because I want
to put my little willy where
willy won't go.

[Piper]

Harry’s second job in a
week.

How ironic that Prince
Harry is joining the
Aspen Institute's
new Commission on
Information Disorder
as a commissioner.
Voicing concern about
an "avalanche of
misinformation" in the
digital world, Wasn’t
it just last week that
his own wife told the
world that the couple
actually got married
in a private ceremony
days before the big
televised marriage. Few
days later the statement
( misinformation otherwise
known as lie) was
retracted.


Why the fuck have we
employed him? ", said
Prince Harry's new
employer to a colleague
on his first day.
" You said that you wanted
some ginger nuts for the
coffee room."

[Piper]

Prince Charles cut off
his second sons pocket
money which resulted
in Harry and Megan
getting a job working for
Spotify for 3 years for
a total of about €15 million,
Also getting a job for
the next 5 years with Netflix
for approx €90 million.
Harry has also announced
two more jobs this, week
working as a chief impact
officer for Better up and
also as a commissioner
for Aspen Institute's
new Commission on
Information Disorder.
Harry and Megan will
likely throw in a few
speaking gigs and earn
the odd million too.

So last week I said to
my younger son that
I'm stopping his pocket
money and he has stated
to thieve from the corner
shop, pimp his sister out
and selling drugs in
the school play ground. I
said to him last night that
surely his €230,000 pa job
as headmaster should be
enough. I think chances
are he will be taking on a
speaking soon as well no
doubt be talking in court.

p. s. I wonder if USA
people there are saying
bloody foreigners coming
here and taking our jobs.

[Piper]

Prince Harry joins a Think
Tank in USA. I thought
Meghan did his thinking
for him these days?


Prince Harry Duke of
Sussex, lands a real job
at Silicon Valley life -
coaching firm as the new
chief impact officer.
Going from doing fuck all,
to doing fuck all shouldn't
be a stretch for him.


Question I would have
asked in Meghan Markles
interview would have been
about how high did she
want to climb the royals
family tree and is Meghan
prounounced Meagain?


Meghan and Archie are
now high up in the Royal
Family tree.
My wife got mad
when I explained to
our young son how a
couple of monkeys are
now swinging from the
branches.


While getting ready for
his first day in his new
job, Prince Harry turned to
his wife and said, "Do you
know I have the strangest
feeling that I've forgot to
take something with me?"
To which Meghan replied
"Why of course, it's your
balls Harry. I've got them
safely hung up on my
dressing table mirror. But
don't worry, you won't be
needing them for work, in
the foreseeable future... or
ever to be honest."
"Yes sir" Harry replied


Mick Fleetwood has
revealed he hopes every
past and current member
of Fleetwood Mac will
perform together the
next time the band tour,
following the death of
Co - founder Peter
Green.
I bet Stevie nicks the
limelight.


Serial shagger Mick
Fleetwood has been
rehearsing hard with the
backing vocalists for the
forthcoming Fleetwood
Mac tour and its even
been heard the group's
solo work will be on the
playlist.
He's been strumming
away and banging hard with
some girls on the Edge Of
Seventeen all night.


I wring my bell most days,
still not seen that fucking
Lindt Gold Bunny though!!

[Piper]

I don't understand why
Prince Harry wanted to be
a Generaloberst - sorry
I meant executive - in a
start-up in Silicon Valley.


One of the ginger
whinger's new jobs is
Chief Impact Officer,
abbreviated to "Chimpo".
You know the punchline.


Prince Harry is going
down on Meghan and she's
absolutely loving it.
Harry's enjoying himself
too and he stops for a sec,
Looks up and says :
"Oh darling, this reminds
me of my favourite
gateaux...."
Throbbing with ecstasy,
her highness replies
"Ooh Harry, which one is
that?"
"Black Forest."


The Dusty maid, she met
a prince,
a ginger known as Harry,
all was well she towed the
line
her duties she would carry.
Alas the bliss it did not
last
and the Duchess made
her case,
the Firm didn't help,.
questions were asked
about the babies race.
We want to be alone they
said,
not answer the press
then did the interview
( not for cash.)
some issues to address.
The Prince was sad, his
family lost
and no one seemed to
care,
there's a racist in the
Royal family
of that were keen to share.
But at least our lives are
private.
We've escaped the public glare
just one more Prince been
led astray
and I couldn't fucking
care.

[Piper]

BREAKING NEWS :
The Queen has her
own personal box of
chocolates no one else is
allowed to eat.
I wonder if she prefers the
dark ones?


Rebecca Welch makes
history by becoming
the first female referee
appointed to an English
Football League match, on
Easter Monday.
I just hope her bunny girl
outfit shows off her tits
nicely.


For centuries boffins
have pondered "what
comes first the chicken
or the egg" Well it's easily
answered by a 5 year old
on Easter Sunday.


The royal family should
have taken note of what
happened when the
Americans let a black lad
into their white house
and not made the same
mistake.


Meghan Markle is
'planning to have home
birth for her second
child at her and Prince
Harry's $14.7 million Santa
Barbara mansion'
planning has started as
They move an ICU unit in,
to ensure a natural birth.

[Piper]

Prince Harry is a massive
fan of Easter Sunday.
It's the one day he can
tell his family he's stuffed
his face full of chocolate
without being ostracised.


The premier League /FA
says there is no room for
racism. They don't say
anything about sexism
and misogyny though.


Roy Keane has
commented on
Man City Women v
Barcelona women,
claiming it's the most
amount of cunts he'd seen
running around a football
pitch since the Neville
brothers retired.


The lady who was
interviewing me for a
job said, "I've got two
openings."
The reply "There's three
if your brave enough" wasn't
was she was expecting.


Music FACT : For security
reasons, Kenny Loggins
changes his name every
28 days.


My daughter's black
boyfriend was wearing a
"Fubu" shirt.
I said, "That stands for
Farmers used to beat us.


" How many women have
you had sex with? " my
wife asked me.

I started counting.

" one... two... three...

four... you... six...

seven...


Why did Robertson's stop
using the golliwog on their
jam jar labels?
Black people were using
them as I'd.


What do you do if you see
a space man?
Park in it, man.

[Piper]

Prince Andrew is said
to be excited about
the prospect of zoos
reopening next week.
In particular, he can't wait
to pay to watch the North
American beaver.


Meghan Markle's
ovulating.
Dark chocolate eggs for
Easter, then.


Just been watching the
women's boat race. By the
look of them, there's more
than two cox.


'Boris Johnson to
announce traffic-light
system for International
travel'
I'm hoping Thailand gets
the red light.


"Did you know speed
shrinks your cock to
virtually nothing before
you told me to take it?"
"Yeah. Mine's gone down
to just six inches soft."


My wife and I were waiting
for our Covid Jab when
the nurse looked at my
worried wife and said,
"Don't worry, it's only a
little prick"
"For fucks sake, I replied
" Don't you start as well.


As I sat there awaiting
my Covid jab the young nurse
said, "You might feel a bit
of a prick."
I replied, "Have you heard
my jokes love im used to
it."


"How would you like your
steak?"
"Like winning an argument
with my wife."
"Rare it is sir."


Fender are to release a
tribute guitar celebrating
artists of mixed race.
The Fender Halfcaster will
be available from all good
music stores later this
year.


Mick Jagger has been
arrested for allegedly
shagging a couple of girls
to death whilst on a viagra
trip, or as the newspapers
put it, "how to kill 2 birds
with one stone"! "


TV show That's Life is
returning, shot from a
mobile studio in Florida
fitted with the latest
Miami sound machine.
It's a glorified Esther van.

No, you fuck off... my
coat's already on.


Actress Thandie
Newton has said she is
reverting to the original
Zimbabwean spelling
of her first name,
Thandiwe...
which translates as-
Ungrateful rich halfcast,
jumping on the Sambo
bandwagon ditching your
white heritage.


The Gibson guitar
company has announced
it wishes to be more
representative of the LGBT
community.
They will launch the
Gisbon Les Bian next
month

Sky Interview
"Wayne Rooney - who's the
best you've ever played
with?"
"Mmmm Nani"
"Sorry - which footballer?"


I was before the judge that
was doing our divorce and
I told him how I had been
on this dating site of black
men to track my fat wife's
activities, and how she
had invited every single
user there to a party.
He asked," And what were
her exact words on this
invite?"
"There's a party in my
mouth, and everybody's
cumming."


My wife said to me "You
are going to have to stop
quoting Bill Withers lyrics
everytime you speak to
me."
"I know I know I know I
know I know."


Bond movie in 2021.
My name is Bond James
Bond. And my preferred
pronouns are he/him.


Sky News "Avon and
Somerset Police faced
a third night of demons,
including a naked woman
in her 20s who ran
towards them shouting
abuse."
A case of getting your
Bristols out in Bristol?


Campaingners say the
government report into
racial disparity is a...

Whitewash.

Sounds racist to me. It's
good to see they have a
sense of humour.


Why have Harry and
Meghan never played
together at Wimbledon?
The All England
Lawn Tennis club know
they fuck up mixed
doubles.


I'm not saying my wife's
thick.
But she thinks a light
saber is a tiny striped cat
with big teeth.


Cross - Eyed circumciser
gets the sack.


We're a bit skint so I sold
the wife's biggest vibrator.
Fuck her, she can do the
washing by hand.



Went on a business trip to
Brazil and being half rice half
chips myself, I thought
I'd treat myself to one
of their acclaimed male
prostitutes for the night
Took him back to the
hotel and said, "I want to
eat your naughty Brazilian
sausage..."
He says, "Ah, innuendo..."
"No, in your mouth."


I failed my latest job
interview after proudly
announcing I'd just taken
part in my first mixed-race
threesome.
I wasn't sure what I'd
done wrong until my mate
explained the proper term
is Triathlon.


I run a launderette.
And, much to my
embarrassment, I recently
went to the local nunnery
and asked the Mother
Superior if she had any
dirty habits.


I've realised that there are
two very important rules
to being successful.
1.Never let them know
everything you know....



I've just opened an email
with the subject "Ding
Dong"
of course I would, it's the
Chinese hooker I've began
cheating with.


I've had a lot of days off
work recently because
of that fake virus, so I've
been doing Zoom group
lessons of this Israeli self-
defence /martial-arts.
Don't know why they get
so mad though when I
jokingly call it Jewjitsu.


When I was a child I had
many imaginary friends.
They were real people, I
just imagined they were
my friends


My mate just crashed
and rolled his brand new
Nissan all-electric car.
He took it literally when I
suggested he should turn
over a new leaf.


I had a discussion with my
wife today regarding our
little child. She thought I
should have let her win
at chess while I thought
misleading a nine year
old was wrong and that
she would not be able
to gauge her progress
through the years unless
I played my normal game.
Life itself has harsh
lessons. My wife won the
argument ( I'd like sex this
week ) and now I have to
let my child win in future.
Do you think my wife was
right?

Meanwhile, news in the
film industry awards
it was a big night for
diversity at the Screen
Actors Guild ( SAG )
Awards, with actors from
ethnic minorities winning
all four individual film
categories for the first
time.


How do you fit three
Homosexuals on one
Barstool?
Turn it upside-down...

[Piper]

What's the difference
between a black man and
Batman?
Batman can go into a
shop without Robin.


"Oh look, a robin."
"That's your Dad, come
especially to see you and
to let you know he's ok."
So why did I see him over
there with that prostitute
and why is he now flying
to that drug dealer? "


Jamal was on a blind date
in a restaurant with a lady
he met online.
" I was looking at a lot of
your pictures last night."
said the lady
Jamal laughs, Perving
through my Facebook,
were you?"
"No" she replies, "On
Crimewatch."


What does a black kids
dad and Nemo have in
common?
They both can’t be found.


Fender are now offering a
free years supply of Phal
curry with every purchase
of their new guitar but be
quick the Splattercaster is
going fast.


Fender have introduced a
guitar aimed at the BAME
rap market
The ghettoblaster brand
name has convenietly
fallen out of copyright


People who eat Pot
Noodles must suffer from
depression.
The sauce sachet says
tear here.


I remember arguing with
my friend John
Bobbitt over the size of
our houses.
"I have a Semi," I said to
him.
"Well I've got a Detached,
He retorted.


Tokyo officials are making
every preparation to
ensure world records are
smashed in this year's
Olympics.
For instance, in the
men's 100m instead of a
starter's gun, they'll just
shout out " Police! "


Gibson guitars are
marketing to post-op
trannies.
The new "Less Balls" will
be available in standard,
studio and custom
models, all with cutaway.


Mi6 recently trained a
bunch of spies in Russian
language and culture
and sent them to remote
corners of Eurasia...
As soon as one got
there and started probing
around for some unusual
information, this lady
declared "You spy."
"I no spy."
You spy. "
" I speak Russian, drink
vodka, do all the dances. "
" Don't care, you still spy. "
" How do you know? "
" There no black women in
central Russia. "


I don't know what these
Australian gold and opal
miners keep complaining
about.
They all find heaps within
an hour of the cameras
rolling.


My dad always said when
one door closes, another
one opens.
Come to think of it, he was
a shit Carpenter.


You've heard the saying
"When one door closes
another opens."
Doesn't really apply when
you're in prison.......


Meghan Markle's entire
personality can be
summed up be the first
two letters of her
name.


I asked the wife if she
fancied some S and M
earlier, she was well up for
it. Anyway, five minutes
later the fat cunts bawling
her eyes out gripping the
quilt up close, so I said
"You was ok with this, why
are you crying?"
She replied, "I thought you
said M and M's."

[Piper]

The Queen is on a Zoom
call to Prince Harry and says,
"Harry my dear, Did you
have a nice Easter?"
"Oh Ya granny was top
drawer. Fantastic on the
chocolate front. Three
Dark ones."
Her Majesty calmly
removes her glasses and
says, "Ewww Harry not
another one...."


A Fender guitar is like a
woman. Best there's
no strings attached.


Fender guitars built a one-off
customized guitar for
Bob Marley.
Fender Rastacaster.


Just bought a Pete
Townsend signature
model Gibson SG
It's only ten years old.


BREAKING NEWS : "Woods
travelling between
84-87mph when he
crashed.
Fuck me, Cheetahs can
only do seventy.


Charges were dropped
against a man accused
of making death threats
against Northern Ireland
health minister Robin
Swann after it emerged
he only said he wanted to
kill two birds with the one
stone.

[Piper]

"So, Prince Harry, your
wife plays guitar and uses
a wah-wah pedal?"
"What? No!"
"Really? But she makes
a' wah-wah ' sound all the
time."


Police have been called
nine times to Harry
and Meghan's home in
America.
Well that's what happens
when you have a nigger
running loose on your
property over here.


"... Following NINE ( 9.) call
outs to Meghan Markle's
mansion, Santa Barbara
police Department have
changed their vehicle siren
sound to" Me-Me, Me-Me "


Prince Harry runs into
his local chemist and says,
" Please can you give me
something to get rid of my
awful little blackheads! "
Guy behind the till says,
" Bit fuckin late for that
isn't it pal. "


Gary Glitter taught me
to play the guitar, to be
fair he was crap but he
couldn't half finger A
minor.

[Piper]

Asian woman goes to the Post Office
and asks to change her money from
Sterling to Yuan.
The Post office clerk says, "Okay
your £100 is worth 5000 Yuan".
The Asian woman says, "Last week
I come in and get 6000 Yuan why it
change?"
The clerk says, "Fluctuations"
The Asian replies, "Fluc you white
people too."

I went to this store
and told the clerk I
was looking for one
of those rotating
trays you can put on a
table to spin plates of
food around to you,
rather than having to
reach across to get
What you want.
"Ahh," he said "The Lazy
Susan?"
"Yeah, it's a gift for her
50th"


I was relaxing on the
settee with the wife last
night watching the box,
She was coming on all
amorous, so when I asked
her what she'd like to
watch next, she snuggled
up really close and said :
"I want to watch
something steamy..."
So I put on a scat movie.


I have spent my whole
life living with Hyenas. It
hasn't been easy but there
have been a lot of laughs
as well.


When my wife found out
I was into beastiality, she
asked me, how low can
you go?"
I said, "A jack russel."

[Piper]

What have HM Elizabeth II
and Philip Schofield got in
common?
They're both mourning
Queens.


Wayne Rooney is on
his way to Buckingham
Palace to collect his CBE...
Chance to Bone Elizabeth.


Apparently Prince Phillip
didn't say Archie was part
monkey... He actually
said he'll be part of the
monarchy.


Meghan Markle has been
asked to return to the UK
urgently. Apparently the
royal family need a spade
to dig the grave.


"Stephen Miller : Joe Biden
has shut down ICE"
I wondered why it was so
hot at the Southern border.

[Piper]

Meghan won't be attending
Prince Phillips funeral
next Saturday.
She doesn't appreciate it
when all the attention is
on a white man.


I see Boris has given up
his place at Prince Phillips
funeral to allow for the
family to attend.
So why the fuck is Harry
going?


The Royal Family have
announced we will
enter a "period of national
mourning" following the
death of Prince Phillip.
Prince Andrew will just
enter a period


It seems like we've in a eight day national
period of mourning.
Finally, we can pay respect to the 120,000
souls who have died to the incompetent
handling of the covid pandemic, well done
Boris.


The Queen has emailed
all members of the Royal
Family asking them to
take a spade to Prince
Philips funeral to help dig
the grave. Prince Harry
replied saying "her names
Meghan, if you don't
mind."


Dave Gilmour and Nick Mason
were walking down the road in
London one day in 1972 and saw a
mad nigger with his arse hanging
out of a window.
The rest as they say is history


The chemist always asks for
my date of birth.
I think she's going to get me
something.

[Piper]

BREAKING NEWS :
Meghan Markle will attend
Prince Phillip's funeral
after all. The royal family
have decided they need a
spade to dig the grave.


Before giving permission
to attend Markle gave
Ginger a set of rules to
read on the plane.

1. Wear a wire at all
times so I can monitor
conversations.

2. Don't be pictured with
Will's and Kate.

3. Learn your lines for 'off
the cuff' interview with
ITV.

4. Don't break my rules.

( credit Meghan Markle )


I can only imagine the
response when Prince
Andrew dies, I think its fair
to say he touched more
people than Philip.


Prince philip and Andrew
had one very important
thing in common.
They both loved shooting
their load at young birds.


The Queen will probably
lapse into that state that
all widowed grans do.
Not giving a fuck. Don't
be surprised if the next
Queen's speech
starts with her looking at
the Christmas Turkey and
saying : After the year's
events: That's the only
cock one will be getting
from now on.



For sale : One invite to a
prestigious royal event.
Next Saturday UK.
Contact Meghan Markle
USA. Item no longer
needed as he's not fucking
going.



" The Talk’s Sheryl
Underwood sobs and
claims she has PTSD after
Sharon Osbourne row "
I can't say I'm surprised.
I wouldn't want to argue
with a woman whose
husband bites the heads
off bats.




My mate Dave asked me
who I would last longer
with, 2 minutes with Mike
Tyson or 2 minutes with
Emilia Clarke? I told him
that I probably wouldn't
get an erection with Mike
Tyson, but I'd give it a try


People who've had covid
get antibodies.
That's why I'm wearing
Auntie's clothes.


"l'm fed up of you playing
that acoustic guitar, you
play with it more than you
do with me. Moaned my
wife.
" Well that's because it
sounds better, it's better
shaped and the holes not
as big " I replied.

[Piper]

Meghan Markle has said
she's prepared to forgive
the Royal Family and
move on.
Where there's a Will,
there's a way.


"Oh Your Highness, I'm not
sure. I think I'm not ready
for this and besides, I've
got a terrible indigestion..."
"Don't worry my dear. I'm
planning on giving you
some of Andrew's Original
Salts."


The world health
organisation have
released all of China's live
food from their cages.
That's right folks, WHO let
the dogs out.
( Taxi ).


Watching women's
football reminds me of
when I was learning the
control for FIFA.


What are a pre-eminent
white rapper's favourite
sweets?
M&Ms
( Not that it Mathers).


In their divorce
proceedings, Kim
Kardashian and Kanye
West have both applied
for joint custody.
Surely they can afford to
just roll another one.


FAQs on single - source
double - mutant triple - helix
Corona variant in India...

Q. Why curfew from 8pm
to 7am?
A. Due to rising
temperatures with the
onset of summer, Corona
likes to step out when
it gets cool. Hence the
curfew.
.
Q. Is it safe to attend
religious places?
A. Yes. Corona is afraid
of religion and does not
attack the lakhs who
gather to pray to God.

Q. Is it safe to attend
political rallies?
A. Absolutely. Corona is
terrified of politicians,
especially the ones who
occupy the highest posts.

Q. Why are only 20
people or less allowed at
cremations?
A. Cremations generate
lot of heat, which weakens
the virus. It tries to
escape by jumping from
one person to the other.
Research has shown that
a critical mass of 21 or
more people ensures
survival of the virus.
Hence the restriction of
20.

Q. Why are only 50
people or less allowed at
weddings?
A. Indian weddings
generate lot of sound and
light, which scares she
virus. The virus requires
a critical mass of 51 or
more people to survive

Q. Why does Corona not
attack crowded buses?
A. The virus has mutated
and acquired human
qualities. It hates road
traffic and avoids
buses due to the longer
commute. Hence crowded
buses are safe.

Q. Are local trains
dangerous?
A. Yes. Corona prefers
trains due to the quick
commute. Also, the virus
enjoys the breeze when
standing on the foot board.


Q. Why does Corona not
attack slum dwellers?
A. Corona cannot stand
the competition from
malaria and TB and hence
focuses on higher income
flats.

Q. Does lockdown help?
A. Indeed it does Corona
hangs around outside the
door, waiting for people
to step out to pick the
newspaper, get the milk,
go outside etc. Hence
lockdown protects you
by ensuring you stay
inside your home. Note
that Corona never enters
your home, it only stays
outside.

[Piper]

Biker's are hairy fat,
bearded, smell of piss
and are shit at having
sex on the greasy seat of
their knackered smoke
machine.
And don't even get me
started on the men.

. I got into a lift in London,
only to find there were half
a dozen black youths in it.
When the doors closed
the one nearest the panel
said, "Yo, what button you
want me to push white
boy?"
I replied, The one with the
bell on it please. "


My dyslexic butcher was
telling me about the time
Wayne Rooney turned up
at his shop.
Hardly surprising when
you've got a sign outside
saying" Finest Matured
Cunts. "


" Women's football is shit. "
" Why do you watch it? "
" Just in case they swap
shirts at the end. "


I went into an electrical
shop and asked the
shop assistant," Would
Somebody help me to
choose a kettle. "
He said," Yeah of course,
Kenwood? "
I said," Can you get him
then please? "

Getting the vaccination
is not always such a
pleasant experience.
I waited patiently and the
medic breezed in saying
"Now then sir, just a small
prick!" I said, "Yeah well
you've got saggy jugs and a
fat arse!".... Cheeky sods.

[Piper]

Prince Andrew is not
allowed to dress up in his
navy admiral 'costume' at
the weekend. I doubt it will
stop him from unloading
his sea-men into some
virgin waters though.


Racing pigeons will be
released in Windsor in
tribute on the day of
Prince Philips funeral.
Fuck sakes Boris what
state have you left the
Airforce in?


The Queen has banned
her family from wearing
military uniform at the
funeral of Prince Phillip, to
protect her favourite child.
Anything to avoid the
words Prince Andrew and
medals being said in the
same sentence.


"Oh, you've made me wet,"
so I dismantled her and
put her in a bag of rice.
I love how phones are so
personable these days.


"Kamala Harris breaks
21-day silence on border
crisis."
Frankly, I'm happier when
women like her keep their
mouths shut.


"Black Restaurant Week"
You order fried chicken,
water melon with a Kool-Aid,
Then dine and dash.

[Piper]

Nice touch having Prince
Philip taken to the church
on the back of a Land
Rover. I wonder if they’ll
have Prince Andrew buried
in a 15 year old Escort?


"Human cells grown in monkey
embryos." Yes we all know
Meghan is pregnant.


A part-monkey, part-human
embryo created by scientists.
Dolly the spade.

( Feel free to add your own )


Modern looters are soft!
Back in the 70's you had
to be fucking hard to run
with a colour TV.


Paddy : "They say ignorance is bliss."
Murphy : "What's ignorance?"


Those lads who let their noses poke
out over their masks...
Just hope they don't wear
swimming togs the same way.


I once was arrested for punching
my wife at a casino!
The fat fucker was on a roll and
actually winning at the blackjack table,
and it was honestly reflexive when
she excitedly shouted out
"Hit Me!"


"Can I have a 60w bulb please?"
"Screw or Bayonet?"
"No, just the bulb thanks."


Multi millionaire ex
footballers turned TV
pundits complaining that
plans for a new European
Super League is about
financial greed and the
exploitation of fans.
Err, no fuckkin' shit boys,
where you cunts been
these past 30 years?

[Piper]

Prince Philip Gaffs...

"Don't feed your rabbits
pawpaw fruit - it acts
as a contraceptive. Then
again, it might not work on
rabbits." Giving advice to a
Caribbean rabbit breeder
in Anguilla in 1994

"It doesn't look like much
work goes on at this
University, " Overheard
at Bristol University's
engineering facility. It
had been closed so that
he and the Queen could
officially open it in 2005

"I wish he'd turn the
microphone off!" The
Prince expresses his
opinion of Elton John's
performance at the 73rd
Royal Variety show 2001

"So who's on drugs here?...
HE looks as if he's on
drugs" To a 14 year - old
member of a Bangladeshi
youth club in 2002

"No I would probably end
up spitting it out over
everybody." Prince Phillip
declines the offer of some
fish from Rick Stein's
seafood deli in 2000

"Can you tell the
difference between
them?" On being told by
president Obama that he'd
had breakfast with the
leaders of the UK, China
and Russia.

"Do people trip over you?"
Meeting a wheelchair -
bound nursing - home
resident in 2002

"I suppose I would get in
a lot of trouble if I were
to melt them down." On
being shown Nottingham
Forest FC's trophy
collection in 1999.

[Piper]

20,000 seats are now
being sold for the Conor
McGregor fight scheduled
for the 10th of July.
Conor McGregor is said
to be training without a
mouth - guard but instead
spars with a dummy. He
spat it out two days ago
when he said f##k me,
I'm nah na na na nah not
fighting f###king him and
the fight was cancelled.
Bookies are really looking
forward to the contest
and current odds are 2/1
that McGregor will spit
his dummy again and
retire for a fourth time ( he
has retired three times
in the last four years so four
in four would sound a
good bet ). Odds are 3/1
that McGregor will again
tell the world on social media
that he will not fight
Poirier but fight someone
else instead. Bookies
are giving odds of 4/1
on the fight being cancelled
as it is believed with so
many changes of mind
a sex test being carried
out will show that Conor
is actually a female and
PMT is responsible for his
mood swings.


Manchester City have
pulled out faster than I did
when my girlfriend told me
she wasn't on the pill.


James Corden has
slammed plans for a
European Super League
as the 'worst greed he has
ever seen'
Having seen him at an all
You can eat buffet, I
can confirm he's wrong.


... Queen Elizabeth and
Princess Kate are out
motoring through the
countryside when the Bentley
They're driving breaks
down. The driver has to
go for help, and while he's
gone some scumbags
come across the disabled
royal couple.

" Ain't you the Queen?"
She confirms she is.
"Where's your tiara?"
She tells them she left it
at home.

"Fuck me! Just my luck"
"Ain't you the princess
tho?"
Kate says, "Yes."

"where's that bloody
big sapphire from your
husband's dead mum?"
She says she left it at
home.

"BUGGER! I guess we'll
just have to take these
lovely wheels then c'mon
now! out the car! step
lively and keep walking or
they'll be hell to pay. You
snotty cunts!"

They shuffle down the
road a bit and the Queen
says to Kate, "I know you
were wearing your ring!
What happened to it?"
She replies with a blush, "I
hid it... up there... " pointing
to her crotch.
The Queen chuckles.

Kate says," But Queen, I
know you were wearing
your tiara when we left! "
He Majesty confesses that
she hid hers too... In the
same location.

Without a second's
hesitation Kate says,
" Dammit! If Meghan were
here we could've saved
the fuckin Bentley!"


A benefit gig is being
organised to help fund
research into Indian
Covid variant Acts
confirmed so far include

Raj Against the Machine.

The Bombay City Rollers

Caste

The Cumin League

Mandeep Purple

The Birthday Chapati

Crowded House

Delhi Mitri ( feat Justin
Curry)

The Sikhers.


Pink Floyd legend, David
Gilmour, commenting on
coming out of lockdown
for ITV News at Ten
stated, "The thought of
several thousand people
milling around together in
front of your gives me the
heebie-jeebies."
So that's another fucking
drab song in E minor on
the horizon.


I saw that miserable
bastard Dave Gilmour
from Pink Floyd in the
Armidale shopping centre
in Manchester today. He
was acting like a proper
cunt.
Just another prick in the
mall.


Had a meal in Dave
Gilmour's new Restaurant.
Starter was Hay Ewe, Main
course was Pork Three
ways and for Dessert, Ice
cream ( any colour you
like )
Then it was Time to Have
a Cigar.


Did you know that Quinten
Crisp is really well
Known movie actor?
Apparently he's been in A
Few Good Men.
Oooooooooh.


I would of loved to have
lived in the days of Dick
Turpin.
I believe all the Highway
men were well hung.
Oooooooh.


"... And so in closing
patience is not always a
viture and good things
don't always necessarily
come to those who wait."
... And that was all the
inspiration the nigger
needed to run off and
abandon his family!

[Piper]

Fucking Hell!
Those supposed European
Super League teams
are dropping faster than
Prince Andrew's boxer
shorts at his daughters
school prom.


Make sure you don't get
your girlfriend pregnant by
pulling out quicker than an
English Premier League
Club does from the
European Super League.


Ted Nugent has just
confirmed that he has
Coronavirus.
Bat Scratch Fever.


Toxteth McDonald's :
"Coke please."
"Is crack ok?"

[Piper]

Fifty Shades alum
Dakota Johnson unveils
'absolutely epic' $45
vibrator called Drop.
It even has a safe word.


Downing Street have said
the Cabinet Office will
investigate how a text
conversation between
Boris Johnson and Sir
James Dyson became
public.
Personally, I'd leave
it till the dust settles.

[Piper]

First it was 'The
Terminator' Arnold
Swartzenegger as
California's governor
now it's Caitlyn 'Bruce'
Jenner 'The Tranmaneater'
running for the post
America lost the plot long
before Trump.


Bruce Jenner, previously
Time's "women of the
Year," is running for
Governor of California.
I think he'll do a great job
as he's already better at
being a woman than any
actual women.


Every time I see the Daily
Mail has another royal
pullout I hope they've
Finally published Michael
Fagan's sex tape.


I was cornered by a police
officer and a security
guard inside a store today
after a little girl pointed
and shrieked, "Mummy a
bad man!"
I honestly think I might
have gotten in less trouble
had I just been walking
around with my cock out
rather than boldly being
a covidiot not wearing a
mask.


People these days like to
think they are so much
more moral than historical
figures. But can any of
these so called 'social
justice warriors' match
Thomas Jefferson?
He was known to have
smashed many a slave
ring in his time.



Does anyone else find
themselves doing a
Robert De Niro face trying
to keep their mask on?

[Piper]

Before judging Caitlyn
Jenner for running for
California governor,
at least read her
Manifesto.


Caitlyn Jenner.... from
erections to elections.


Boris Johnson has sent
his best wishes to Caitlyn
Jenner for venturing into
politics, he said he looks
forward to working on the
Trans-Atlantic partnership.


I was on the anti
lockdown march in
London today and a guy
shouted, "If you don't think
there's a pandemic, try
going to India!"
Dozy cunt. I don't need to.
I've been to Leicester.


Did you hear about the
new Palestinian sex doll?
You can only use it once
but it does blow itself up.


What is the definition of a
virgin in Palestine?
Any camel that can run
faster than its owner.

[Piper]

The bloke Caitlyn Jenner
is running for governor of
California.
I don't mind at all....
As long as ( he/she /
himshe/it/they /them )
doesn't drive.


Caitlyn Jenner is running
for California governor!
Fair play, that takes some
balls.


Derby County are facing
the real prospect of going
down to the third flight for
the first time since May
1984.
Wayne Rooney on the
other hand will be going
down on Mae, 84 for the
19th time after carrying
Her up three flights.


I remember my first blind
date my mate said, "She's
a lovely girl but I must
tell you she's expecting a
baby."
How silly did I look sitting
there in a nappy all night.


Ladies and gentlemen, if
there are any here, I now
present the next fight.
In the blue corner I
present the current
'champion' Alexander
Boris de pfeffel Johnson.
In the green ( with envy )
corner we have Dominic
McKenzie Cummings.
This is an unlimited fight,
there are no rules or
constraints on tactics.
Sod the traditional two
falls or a submission to
determine the winner, it's a
fight to the political death

LATEST odds

Johnson 7/4

Cummings 4/3

MAD (. mutuality assured
destruction ) evens.

Please place your bets
now with the in-house turf
accountant. Dodgy Rishi.


To help stop online abuse,
football clubs have
announced a temporary
social media blackout.
I thought the whole point
was to combat racism?





Ladies if he's willing to
give you the Moon and
Stars, you should be
willing to sacrifice Uranus.


'The crown bosses
struggle to find an actor to
play Prince Andrew in fifth
series'

Breaking news : Woody
Allen has offered himself
for the role.


What's the difference
between Ryan Giggs and a
Telsa?
The Telsa gets fewer
battery chargers in a year.


Vast, vast majority of us
guys are against proposed
European Super League.
Women just don't get
it. Girls if there is no
relegation then there is
next to no incentive to
persure excellence. I've
told this to my wife and
to my girlfriend. A woman
I've been chatting to, trying
to get her into bed doesn't
get it either. (. she thinks
the offside rule is when
I slip my hand too far up
her thigh.). Only woman
who has understood is my
ex wife from long ago who
I married when we were
both young and had a
monogamous relationship
with for six boring years.

[Piper]

"Cambridge GP who told
female patient 'You are
very hot' struck off at
medical tribunal"
I'm surprised she didn't
tell him that, she was
diagnosed with malaria.


Lesbian Visibility Week
-strangely I've always
found the majority of
the minority remarkably
Visible, especially when
you get into the groove.


Quintin Crisp shagged Mick
Jagger, Keith Richards,
Charlie Watts, Ronnie
Wood, and Bill Wyman. All
red blooded hetrosexual
males, but Quinten
changed them all into a
bunch of cock sucking
arse bandits.
I guess he left no stone
unturned.

[Piper]

"Prince Andrew spent
£16k of taxpayer money
on a private flight to watch
open golf"
To be fair, he didn’t realise
he was going to the golf.
He just heard there would
be under 18 holes.


I've got a porn star cock.
Fucker shouldn't have
been shagging my wife.


My English teacher said,
"Your grammar is shit"
I replied, "Your grandads a
cunt"


Irrespective of the
outcome of his
forthcoming trial, Ryan
Giggs has vowed to
become more aware
of women's rights and
feminism.
If you can't beat 'em, join
em.


Glasgow woman gutted
as birthday balloon filled
with £100 flies away.
Meanwhile in Aberdeen
sales of darts, rifles
and Crossbows soar as
Aberdonians scramble to
shoot it down.


Technically Moses was
the first man to download
files from the cloud using
A tablet.


"I finally got my my tablet to
connect to the cloud."
Moses 1241 BCE.


My computer goes down
on me so much I've
started it calling Katie
Price.


If the wife asks, I was up
at the crack of dawn.
If Dawn asks, don’t tell
her I'm married.


My pregnant wife has
hinted she wants to name
our unborn son after a
screwdriver.
I'm pretty sure that
Flathead will get bullied at
school though.


I've been banned from
our local petrol station
for playing 'The Who' too
loudly on my car stereo...
I won't get fuelled again.

[Piper]

Prince Andrew has
reputedly set up a
financial company with a
friend who was released
by Coutts bank for sexual
harassment.
Must be challenging
thinking of a name
without using the words
Trust, Holdings or
Cooperative.


Contrary to best medical
practices, Ryan Giggs
wife received both of her
jabs on the same night.


Ryan Giggs and his wife
celebrate their marriage
frequently by him giving
her a large bowl of alcohol
and fruit.
Punch, I think they call it.


Instead of all these
failed relationships why
Doesn't Katie Price marry
someone who can satisfy
her and explore her
sexuality.
A potholer for instance.


A decade on, and Kate
has never been happier : Kate
and William celebrate 10th
wedding anniversary.
Harry must have visited in
the nick of time.

[Piper]

Ryan Giggs net worth
increases as he expands
his TV punditry to include
football and MMA


The world of sport will
boycott all forms of Social
Media this weekend.
However, Ryan Giggs will
continue to use Twatter...


Michael Collins trained
for years travelled over
384,400 kilometres
strapped to a rocket and
risked his life the whole
time to reach the moon.
Then never actually set
foot on it.
It's a bit like having a
foursome with Natalie
Dormer, Kate Beckinsale
and Emma Watson...
Then having a wank in the
cupboard looking at them
through the crack in the
doors.


"A BIGAMIST who married
her lover and had his
child while still with her
husband of 18 years has
been warned she faces a
lengthy jail sentence.
Isn't two husbands
punishment enough?


I'm really chuffed just
having had my second jab!
Or, maybe I shouldn't be
texting during a boxing
match.


The pandemic revealed 3
types of people.

The A's are people who
have lost loads of family
and friends. They ache for
their many missing loved
ones and go on TV to beg
Everyone observe the
restrictions.

The B's feel terrible for
the A's respectfully follow
the restrictions, queue for
vaccination and pray they
get through unscathed.

The C's pay no attention to
rules and don't care who
knows. They know the A's
don't exist and laugh their
heads off at the gullible
B's. You call them sage.

[Piper]

"Prince Andrew looks
related as he leaves
Windsor Castle following
a horse ride"
A lot more relaxed than he
looked after Emily Maitlis
asked him about his bike
ride.


"Queen in security scare
after couple scale fence at
Windsor"
I knew Harry was
desperate to get back in
his grandmother's good
books but I'm surprised
Meghan agreed to go with
him.


I'm not into conspiracies
but the Gary Haggerty
memes stop when Prince
Philip dies.
Coincidence?
Yes, it is.


Ryan Giggs 47,appeared
before magistrates
in Manchester on
Wednesday accused of
headbutting his former
partner Kate Greville, 36,
and controlling her over a
three-year period.
In fairness to Giggs, she
must have been difficult to
put up with. My missus is
a pain in the arse and her
period usually only lasts
One week.


It's well known that Homer
Simpson likes butter. But
he really loves spreading
Marge.

. My dyslexic pop trivia
buff mate is absolutely
thrilled that The Who have
approved the Madonna
vaccine.


Coldplay to open The BRIT
Awards 2021
Adding even more
emphasis to rhyming
slang.


I asked a black guy the
other day why 99 % of
them don't get up until
after 12,apparently KFC
don't do breakfast.



The phone rang. It was
BBC Radio 1.

"Congratulations," the
voice burbled,. "You are
live on air, and if you
can answer this maths
question, you will win our
prize!"

"Maths question?" I
said excitedly. "I did 4
Unit maths for the HSC
and also studied it at
university, for part of
my degree! Give me the
question!"

"Great what is 100
divided by four? If you get
it right, you get two tickets
to the upcoming Justin
Bieber concert, and get to
meet him back stage!"
"Oh," said I. "Is it 13?"

[Piper]

Daily Mail turns 125 years
old.
And still, truth won't
die.


German police arrested 3
in connection with running
a child porn web site with
400 thousand members
have announced that one
member is a famous rock
guitarist but they won't
say Who.


After being married for
so long, I'm beginning to
think there's some truth in
The Da Vinci Code.
The Holy Grail must be a
vagina.


BBC News : Bill and
Melinda Gates start
divorce proceedings after
27 years of marriage.
Apparently she wants a
younger man that can give
her big and hard instead
of Microsoft.


Melinda Gates is divorcing
Bill because he wanted to
hear the patter of tiny feet.
According to the flight
logs.


Bill Gates and Melinda
Gates are getting
divorced!!! Money troubles
maybe?


"Bill and Melinda Gates
to end marriage after 27
years."
I can't say I'm surprised;
he's been divorced from
reality since the turn of
the Millennium.


After 27 years, Bill Gates
has decided to update his
hardware.


Recently separated
philanthropic billionaire
seeks 23 year old blonde
with big tits.
Apply B. Gates.


What's the difference
between a pack of wild
dogs and a group of
Trump supporters?
The dogs don't make the
dumbest one leader.

This black guy at
work accused me of
disrespecting him when
I honestly confused him
with someone else.
"Uh, sorry, I honestly
thought you were that
other Scottish guy of
African background."
"Rubbish, you called me
Blackie McBlackington!"

[Piper]

Now that Bill and Melinda
Gates are getting
divorced...
She will be his xbox.


Melinda Gates, is she fit or
what?


Bill and Melinda Gates to
divorce after 27 years.
Doesn't he have a vaccine
to make her stay then?


Time Magazine named
Bill Gates as one of the
most influential people
of the last 50 years and I
can't argue with that. He's
inspired many to achieve
great things along the way
and a bit has rubbed off
on me.
So fuck it I'm gonna get
divorced as well.


The epitome of irony : Bill
Gates asking for privacy
and space.


"Bill and Melinda Gates"
daughter Jennifer tells of
'challenging time"
Her father has cut her
allowance to three million
dollars a month.


After hearing of the Gates
impending divorce please
note I am available and
age is not an issue, Bill.


Bill and Melinda Gates
$130bn SPLIT : Microsoft
founder' s wife, 56 files
for divorce citing her
marriage to 65-year-old as
irretrievably broken.


Bill and Melinda Gates are
to divorce.
At his age, she obviously
doesn't want to go back
to being frustrated with a
3.5" floppy.


When asked why she was
getting divorced Melinda
Gates replied.
"Micro and Soft, what do
you think?"


I treat the new Covid 19
vaccines like Bill Gates
windows updates.

You will have to take them
periodically, eventually
being mandatory, then one
will screw with you. So
then you will be hoping
to get your system roll
backed to your last good
health checkpoint

But unfortunately cancel
culture has removed
these, because you were
offensive in the past.

At least you can
eventually switch your
life back on and connect
to the hive, it may be
dangerous with no stable
system with loads of
vulnerabilities.


"Melinda Gates urges
wealthy nations to stop
'hoarding' Covid vaccines"
I was hoping for a more
exciting headline, like
Her asking Bill to stop
hoarding his money.

[Piper]

Things were getting
steamy with the wife on
the sofa in front of the
TV just now and she said,
"Put something dirty and
Filthy while you fuck me.
I want to watch it go off
too."
So on went the football and
I told her to watch Sergio
Ramos.


On a recent trip to the
grim north of England,
Katie Price contacted the
players at two football
Clubs.
Rochdale because she
heard they were experts at
going down.
And Newcastle because
they always stayed up
longer than anyone
expected.


No wonder American kids
are on so many drugs.
They go to high school.


My daughter's not happy
with me even though I did
just what I thought she'd
fucking want and tried to
spend the day connecting
with her useless black
boyfriend Jamal!
She stormed, "HOW DARE
you try and bring him
along to your Civil War
reenactment, with you as
Stonewall Jackson and
him as your subservient
field slave!"


I saw on the news a
woman in Morocco gave
birth to 9 babies
welcome to the world
Muhammad Muhammad
Muhammad Muhammad
Muhammad Muhammad
Muhammad Muhammad
and ( correction it’s only 8 the
9th was a girl so it doesn’t
count )


Harry and Meghan call for
'vaccine giveaway' : Couple
writes an open letter to
CEOs of Pfizer, AZ, and
Moderna demanding they
share jab patents with
Poor countries.
Although, please hold off
until our share sale goes
through.


Melinda got the house but
Bill kept the windows.


I was shocked to hear
about the COVID virus on
Mount Everest. I thought
it had reached its
peak.


I was going to make
a joke about Bill and
Melinda Gates, but I
thought it might be to PC.


In India the dot system
is used to tell men from
women. It makes sense as they
can't easily do our better
system - beard or no
beard.

[Piper]

Mother's Day is going to
be awkward this year.
It coincides with Steak and
Blowjob Day.


I wonder if Elton John's
kids were able to find a
"Happy Mother's Gay"
card?

[Piper]

BBC's Glamping
weather guy Owain
Wyn Evans was asked
what was his favourite
song.... he said, "It would
have to be that song
by The Weather girls
obviously....
I'm draining men
ooooooo"


What do blacks and
bicycles have in common?
They both have chains.


Red Hot Chili Peppers
to sell their entire music
catalogue for $140 million
upwards.
I thought they'd Give It
Away...


The wife just rushed in, all smiles,
saying she found her wedding dress
and she can still fit in it.
I haven't the heart to tell her it's the
marquee.


"I could eat that again." Great
compliment at a dinner party... but say
that as a gynaecologist and you are
in a whole world of shit.


Just failed my application to get onto
The Chase
Q: Who won the first Tour De France.
Apparently the 42nd Panzer
Regiment was incorrect.


Made a right tit of myself when the
new boss introduced himself earlier.
Turns out Neil was his name not
a command.


I found out about my new girlfriend's
alopecia the hard way, by pulling on her
hair while she gave me a
blowjob.
It's putting me right off my stride,
she looks like a monk down there now.


I used to work in the Cafe at a nudist
colony, and I was the most popular guy
there. Mainly because I could carry
two cups of coffee, and a dozen
doughnuts at she same time.


Arsenal are to change
their shit sponsorship
from 'Fly Emirates' to
'Brexit'


England have redesigned
the 3 Lions badge to
reflect diversity and
inclusivity.
One of the Lions has
Raheem Sterling in it's
month, with Prince Phillip
aiming his safari rifle, as it
flees.


"History was made on
Friday with the first
ever all gay @USNavy
helicopter crew."
Quinten, I heard they have
a really well lubricated
main shaft.
Oooooooh.


I've just heard Quentin
Crisp has moved into a
haunted house.
Obviously hoping to have
the willies put up him
Whoooooooo.


Natasha Asghar is the
first woman of colour to
be elected into the Welsh
Parliament.
I bet she still feels like the
black sheep.


This is Wayne Rooney's
Favourite time of year.
He loves the bottom half
of May.
And then he can't wait to
get on top of June.


"My friend Julie is having
an Eastenders themed
fancy dress on Saturday
night, I was thinking of
going as Pat Butcher, do
you fancy it?" My girlfriend
asked.
"Can I be Frank?" l replied.
"Of course you can..." she
laughed.
"No, I don't fancy it,". I
replied, "Your friend Julie's
a cunt."

[Piper]

BBC NEWS : Lesbianism
in Britain has increased
every year since 1972.
In completely unrelated
news, I was born in 1972.


"We will be hugging and
kissing indoors from
Monday at 5pm". Boris
Johnson confirms.
Fuck, that's all we need.
He thinks all women are
called indoors.

[Piper]

1. The fattest knight at
King Arthur's round table
was Sir Cumference. He
ate too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye
doctor on an Alaskan
island, but it was an
optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey
maker, but he loved her
still.

4. A rubber band pistol
was confiscated from
algebra class as a weapon
of maths disruption.

5. No matter how much
you push the envelope, it
remains stationary.

6. A dog gave birth in the
park and was cited for
littering.

7. A grenade thrown
into a kitchen in France
would result in Linoleum
Blown apart.


8. Two silk worms had a
race. They ended up in a
tie.

9. A hole was found in
a nudist camp wall. The
police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an
arrow. Fruit flies like a
banana.

11. Atheism is a non-profit
organisation.

12. Two hats were
hanging on a hat rack. One
said : "You stay here, I'll go
on a head."

13. I wondered why the
cricket ball kept getting
bigger. Then it hit me.

14. Lawn signs at a drugs
rehab centre : Keep off
The Grass.

15. The midget fortune -
teller who escaped from
prison was a small
medium at large.

16. A soldier who survived
mustard gas and pepper
spray is a seasoned
veteran.

17. A backward poet
writes inverse.

18. In a democracy, it's
your vote that counts. In
feudalism, it's your count
that votes.

19. When cannibals eat
a missionary, they get a
taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off a
bridge in Paris, you'd be in
Seine.

21. A vulture boards an
airplane carrying two
dead raccoons. The flight
attendant says, "I'm sorry,
Sir, only one carrion is
allowed per passenger."

22. Two fish swim into a
concrete wall. One says,
"Dam!"

23. Infidelity is a sin. You
can't have your Kate and
Edith too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms
meet. One says, "I've lost
my electron. The other
says," Are you sure? " The
first replies," Yes I'm
positive. "

25. Buddhists who refuse
painkillers during a root
canal seek to transcend
dental medication.