Friday jokes

[YellowDog]

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.

Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St Peter said "I don't know.

This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes" he informs the couple "you can get married in Heaven".

"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out?

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slamming his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".


"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three fucking months to find a priest up here who'd left the choir boys alone.....

Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a devil worshiping cunt of a lawyer, who hadn't done what they do best?"

[Daffyd]

A new coast guard trainee was left alone on watch for the first time. Before leaving him to go get a beer, the watch chief said “I won’t be long. Just remember to use English when talking to the ships and if you don’t understand them ask them to clarify what they’re saying”.

Soon after that the trainee heard a distress call.
“Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! This is sailing yacht Seagoon. We are sinking!”

“Hellow sailing yacht Seagoon. Zis is zee coast guard. I have received your message.”

After a couple of minutes the call came again:
“Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! This is sailing yacht Seagoon. We are sinking!”

The trainee replied:
“Hellow sailing yacht Seagoon. Zis is zee coast guard. I have received your message.”

‘Coast guard! This is sailing yacht Seagoon again! We are SINKING!! Do you understand? WE ARE SINKING. WE NEED HELP AND WE NEED IT NOW.“

“Err yes, sailing yacht Seagoon. Zis is Zzee coast guard. What you are sinking about pleez?”

[roogazza]

Not Friday yet but :

287942287943287944

[Swoop]

Has anyone had a look in Schrodinger's grave to see if he's in there?

[Stirts]

Two best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids". This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

"Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again…

Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts" - no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.

"Loons and Moons" - forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends".

Everyone loved it.

[Juniper]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard; a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another & they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it & attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well" he said: "I went into the woods to find me a bear and when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob, the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed: "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!"
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[haydes55]

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Old Lady: I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Old Lady: No, I did not stop him
.
Defense Attorney: Why not?

Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now! '

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"

And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

[Juniper]

President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.
" Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have four questions"
First, "Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?"
Second, "Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?"
Third, "Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?"
Fourth, "Why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess.

Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we?

Oh, that's right: question time..
Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have two questions.
First, "Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?"
Second, "What the fuck happened to Walter?"

[unstuck]

^^^^^^ Thats a good one Juniper.:2thumbsup

[ellipsis]

I saw a van with a bumper sticker saying: "I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal."

Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.

[Swoop]

Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.

"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.

"Oh really?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."

"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."

[Stirts]

Taking a woman up the arse is a lot like riding a motorbike.

You're highly likely to get bird shit on your helmet.

[Juniper]

Two small boys are arguing on a train. The first says 'No! It's spelled W.O.O.M.' The second boy says, 'Nah! It's spelled 'W.H.O.O.M.'. A nun sitting opposite leans forward and says, 'Actually, boys, you're both wrong. Womb is spelled 'W.O.M.B.' The first little boy scowls at her and says, 'What are you talking about? I bet you've never even seen a Hippopotamus, let alone heard one fart underwater.'

[wharekura]

Has anyone had a look in Schrodinger's grave to see if he's in there? That explains Jesus resurrection!

[Juniper]

A man is driving down a country road when he is passed by what looks like a chicken doing at least 90 miles an hour. The man tries to catch up to the chicken and ses it turn sharp left into a driveway leading to a farm.
The man pulls into the farm and asks the farmer about the chicken. The farmer says he is trying to breed a chickens with more legs so the are less arguments at the dinner table over who gets a leg. He says his best breed so far has three legs. The man asks what the new breed tastes like. The farmer replies,
"I don't know. I haven't caught one yet!"

[Juniper]

A Texan farmer went on holiday to New England. While there he saw a New England farmer selling potatoes at a farmers market. Looking at them incredulously he asked:

"Why what are those itty bitty things?"

"They're potatoes," said the New Englander.

The Texan snorted. "Why in Texas we grow potatoes 10 times that size!"

The New Englander gave him an appraising look and nodded. "Yeah, that sounds about right," he said. "We grow them to fit our mouths too..."

[Juniper]

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains
of Alaska. He was driving along the campground when he heard a frantic
commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat
wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees'
shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all
about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly
bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing
Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug
right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the
semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball
bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged
the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other
tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I
give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed.
"I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and
Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes
that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the hell was
that guy ?"

" Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact
with Heaven and has access to all wisdom ."

" Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he
don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still
alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?"

[Juniper]

As a public speaker I get to give talks at many different places.
One of the best questions to start a public speech is; "Why are we here?"
I was once asked to give a talk at a home for the mentally disturbed. When I asked the above question a young man stood up and said. "We're all here because we're not all there."

[Juniper]

What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?

An Italian - will throw away the cup and walk away in a fit of rage.

A Frenchman - will take out the fly, and drink the coffee.

A Chinaman - will eat the fly and throw away the coffee.

A Russian - will drink the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no
charge.

An Israeli - will sell the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, buy himself a new cup of coffee and use the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.

The Palestinian - will blame the Israeli for the fly falling in his coffee, protest the act of aggression to the UN, take a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, use the money to purchase explosives and then blow up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give his cup of coffee to the Palestinian.

An Englishman will look on and shake his head thinking how this all could have been avoided had they only drank tea.

[Banditbandit]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.


The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your
temperature."


After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.


"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.


After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"


She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door,
laughing.....


After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.


Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"


After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."

[Banditbandit]

Two nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a car load of rowdy young lads pulls up alongside.

"Oi, get your tits out you penguins!" shouts one of the lads.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."

So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts, "Fuck off you little wankers, before I come over there and rip your balls off"!

[Banditbandit]

The Sensuous (and Smart) Wife



"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.

"No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her .....and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?

"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation..

"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $30,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).

"Well go look in the garage!"...she said.

[Banditbandit]

Two elderly ladies were talking.

“At our age, I don’t know what would be worse; one said. Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

Her wise friend answered, “Oh I’d rather have Parkinson’s, definitely Parkinson’s. Better to spill half my whisky than to forget where I keep the bottle."

[Banditbandit]

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said: "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

“Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a $20,000.00 bike, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, and ... I'm sleeping with a 62-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.


Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

[Scuba_Steve]

I know it's usually in text format, but don't think this would translate too well to text


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IX3iNQ_GMBo

[Scuba_Steve]

Another hard to transcript funny. A reminder to watch the drinking...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uivbBu1pXRg

[YellowDog]

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob .."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Bob."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Bob ....."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE .. LONG SILENCE .. VERY LONG SILENCE ..

"Ernesto, if you broke that f""king driver, you're in deep shit."

[roogazza]

288201288202

[Juniper]

Mickey Mouse visits his lawyer and explains that he wants to divorce Minnie.
Lawyer. "I don't think you will be granted a divorce on the grounds that Minnie is insane."
Mickey. "I didn't say she was insane. I said she was fucking Goofy!"

[Juniper]

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania one night, when Dracula swoops down and lands on the hood. 'Quick, Sister Mary, show him your cross!' says the first nun. Wee Sister Mary, from Glasgow, leans out of the window and shouts 'Oi..get the fuck off the car, ya toothy cunt!'

[Dangsta]

How do you know when you've been robbed by a gang of Asians?

When you get back home, all your homework is done and they're still trying to back out of the driveway....

[Swoop]

So October becomes stoptober, give up smoking month and some bright spark has decided that we should give up drinking as well for the month. We only need to be told to try and give up bacon and there it is.

Ramadan by stealth.

[Banditbandit]

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[Banditbandit]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before
we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,' but before she could say 'Fuck Off!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

[Swoop]

America was not shut down properly.
Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)

[Juniper]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,

“If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?”

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,

“Sure, Why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone , and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports to an image processing facility in Hamburg,Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer, turns to the cowboy and says

“You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man,

“Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,

“Okay, why not?”

“You’re an aide in the Obama Administration”, says Bud.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. … Now give me back my dog.”

[unstuck]

A cowboy named Bud joke.”

:2thumbsup:2thumbsup

[Juniper]

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, the car hits it full on and comes to a stop.
Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check--you were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.
"You were driving so you go and tell the farmer," says Nancy.

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
"My God, what happened to you?" asks Nancy.

The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whiskey,
the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks Nancy. "I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them,
"I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."

[Juniper]

Three men are waiting to get into heaven. First man appears at the Gates.
St. Peter, looking in the big book. "You have been an Alcoholic and a drunkard all your life, why you even named your daughter Sherry. You ain't coming in today!"
Second man appears.
St. Peter, looking in the big book. "You have been a conman all your life and worshiped money, why you even named your daughter Penny. You ain't coming in today!"
The third man hears this, turns to walk away and says to the fourth man. "I've got no chance, I called my daughter Fanny!"

[Juniper]

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scooted back into the house. They didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tried to eat the bird. The wife went out to the taxi while the husband went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife didn't want the driver to know the house would be empty for the night. She explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later the husband got into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long", he said as they drove away.
"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car...

[Banditbandit]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PjeL8YHOc0

[Banditbandit]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BROUru6C3Q4

[Juniper]

An old man appears at the Pearly Gates and says to St. Peter that he is looking for is Son. He says that his son has holes in his hands ans feet.
St. Peter picks up his phone and calls Jesus.
St. Peter. "Jesus, there is an old guy here who thinks he's the Boss. Would you come down and humour him?"
Jesus. "Ok, I'll be there shortly."
Jesus arrives at the gates, looks at the old man and says. "Father?"
Old man. "Pinochio?"

[DanielM8]

A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lays her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listens to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shakes his head sadly and says, "I'm so sorry , Plucky has passed away." The distressed owner wails, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replies. "How can you be so sure," she protests. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him, or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolls his eyes, turns around and leaves the room, and returns a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looks on in amazement, the dog stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws up on the examination table and carefully sniffs the duck. He then sits, looks up at the vet with sad eyes, and shakes his head. The vet pats the dog and takes it out, and returns a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumps up on the table and delicately sniffs the bird from bill, to webbed feet. The cat then sits back on its haunches, shakes its head, meows softly and leaves the room.

The vet looks at the woman and says, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, a 100% certifiably, dead duck." Then the vet turns to his computer terminal, hits a few keys and produces a bill which he hands to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, takes the bill. "$5000!", she cries, "$5000 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugs. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $25, but with the Lab Report, and the Cat Scan......"


Sent from my iShit using Tapatalk

[Smifffy]

A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery.....

At first I thought this was going to be an aussie piss take of the unzud accent...

[Swoop]

NEWS report: 'LSD makes users lose weight'

That makes sense, it's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it.

[Scuba_Steve]

At first I thought this was going to be an aussie piss take of the unzud accent...

What like this?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkmeoYKYctw

[Swoop]

The American flag on the moon has turned white due to the exposure of solar radiation.

That's great. Now France can claim that they've landed on the moon.

[Juniper]

I like drugs because you still have the same problems you had before except now you can't get upstairs because they're made of fish.

[Juniper]

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching away from a big box of chocolates.

An older man, sitting on the bench across the way, says "Y'know, son, if you keep eating those chocolates that way you're going to get fat, and acne, and bad teeth".

Little Johnny says "Y'know, sir, my grandfather lived to be 102"

The man asks "Oh, and did he eat big boxes of chocolate every day?"

Johnny replies "No. He minded his own fucking business"

[anebv8]

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the Warehouse
when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, --- let's look for yours."

[nadroj]

A teacher asked her class "who can tell me the names of the 3 great kings who brought happiness and peace into peoples lives?" Little Johnny threw up his hand. No other hands were raised. "Yes Johnny?" Little Johnny said "well there's Drin-king, Smo-king and Fuc-king"!

[Juniper]

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he has achieved, winning seven Tour De France races while on drugs...

When I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

[Juniper]

Back when Unstuck was a kid, there was no internet


So people would sometimes have to walk for miles just to call him a cunt.

:innocent:

[husaberg]

Sorry in advance for this one


17 year old daughter asks her dad if she can borrow the car.
DAD: "You know the rules..."Only if you suck my cock" .
Daughter" sighs and drops to her knees. Dad whips his cock out and she gets to work. Instantly, she recoils in disgust.
Daughter: "Eurrghh! It tastes like shit!"
DAD: " Yeah, your brother wanted to borrow twenty dollars..."

[bogan]

Reckon that's one for the sick jokes thread dude.

[unstuck]

Back when Unstuck was a kid, there was no internet


So people would sometimes have to walk for miles just to call him a cunt.

:innocent:

Only if they wanted to get stabbed in the eyeball with a fork.:devil2:

[Banditbandit]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/p480x480/1186731_401534003280711_1717838534_n.png

[Juniper]

A politician found himself at the gates of hell.
He panicked and ran in but found himself running down an endless hallway.
Just when he thought he could run no longer he saw a door.
Above the door was a sign that read "SOULS".
He ran in the door and saw the devil sitting behind a desk.
The devil looked up and saw the politician and said " what...you wanna buy it back??"

[YellowDog]

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period...

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

"Do not worry about old age; it does not last."

[Banditbandit]

Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free...it's women who make it hard.

[Swoop]

My local drunk policeman stopped me last night and said, "Dave, how much have you had to drink this evening?"

"Fucking loads," I replied.

"Top man," he said, "I'll need you to blow into this for me."

"What is it?" I asked.

He said, "A party horn."

[idb]

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he has achieved, winning seven Tour De France races while on drugs...

When I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

Yeah, and he was the first person on the moon!

[JakeTehMuss]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, Bus driver!"

[anebv8]

A woman walks in to a gynecologists office. he looks at her and all of his professionalism goes out the window cuz she is fiiiiiine.

He asks her to undress and he then proceeds to touch her up on the inside of her legs. ’do you know what I'm doing?’ he asks her. ’Yes your checking for any broken or damaged skin.’

’yes’ he replies. he then begins to fondle her tits, ’do you know what I'm doing now?’ he asks her. ’yes, your checking for any lumps that could be cancerous.’ ’yes’ he replied.

then he mounted her and started having sex with her, ’do you know what I'm doing now?’ he asks her. ’yeh, your getting herpes, which is why I came to see you!’

[anebv8]

A woman was in Hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina." The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're banana stickers!"

[Juniper]

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

[Juniper]

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.
So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.
The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."
The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

[Juniper]

Once upon a time there were three little pigs.
The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house."
So the stick pig let the straw pig in.
Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!
So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the bricks pigs' house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down."
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up.
The wolf said "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared!
But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black stretch limo pulls up.
Out step three pigs named Louie, Vito,and Dominic.
These pigs came over to the wolf, grabbed him by the neck and beat the living heck out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in the wolf's mouth and fired.
Then they got back into their limo and drove off.
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!
"Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.
"Those were my cousins from North Jersey--the Guinea Pigs."

[Banditbandit]

Today I was beaten up by a woman. I was in the elevator when that busty lassy got in. I was staring at her boobs, when she said, would you please press 1..?

So I did.

I don't remember much afterwards....

Recovery time 4 - 6 week.

[Smifffy]

An oldie:

https://scontent-a-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/1238237_554837747898607_1398524442_n.jpg

Effed if I know what moron got let loose with a highlighter pen, or why, but there ya go.

[MSTRS]

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, most people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing". Here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say "I'm fantastic in bed". That's DIRECT MARKETING.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says "She's fantastic in bed". That's ADVERTISING.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed". That's TELEMARKETING.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say "May I" and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed". That's PUBLIC RELATIONS.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says "I hear you're fantastic in bed". That's BRAND RECOGNITION.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a SALES REP.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's TECH SUPPORT.

You're on your way to a party when you realise that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the centre and shout at the top of your lungs "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's JUNK MAIL.

[Jase H]

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, most people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing". Here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say "I'm fantastic in bed". That's DIRECT MARKETING.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says "She's fantastic in bed". That's ADVERTISING.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed". That's TELEMARKETING.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say "May I" and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed". That's PUBLIC RELATIONS.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says "I hear you're fantastic in bed". That's BRAND RECOGNITION.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a SALES REP.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's TECH SUPPORT.

You're on your way to a party when you realise that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the centre and shout at the top of your lungs "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's JUNK MAIL.

You say "I'm fantastic in bed." when you're not. That's FRAUD.

[YellowDog]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you do not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a
ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain
celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our
faith”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”

[Banditbandit]

A koala is sitting up a gum tree having a joint or three. A little lizard climbs the tree, sits besides the koala and asks: “Hey dude, what are you doing?”

The koala replies “having a joint – want some?”

“Sure” says the lizard. They sit in the tree getting high when the lizard says; “Hey man, my mouth is really dry. I’m going to the river to have a drink.”

He climbs down the tree and walks over to the river, but he’s so wasted he falls in. The lizard is thrashing around trying to get out, when a big crocodile swims over , picks him up in his mouth, puts him on the bank and asks: “Hey cuz, what’s wrong with you?”

“I’ve been up that tree over there, with that koala having a joint or three …”

“Right,” says the croc, “I’m going to sort out that koala.”

The croc walks over to the tree, looks up at the koala and yells; “Hey you – Koala!”

The koala takes a toke, looks down at the croc and says



“Faaark dude ... how much water did you drink?”

[Juniper]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway
outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,

"What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100
million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to
douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car,
collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man
replies, "Roughly a gallon."

[Juniper]

Ring-g-g-g-g-

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, . . . is your Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Unc'a Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now!"

"Uh, okay, then . . . here's what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy screamed 'Sweet Jesus Frank, get off me', and ran around screaming down the hall with no clothes on, then she tripped over the rug and went flying down the stairs and now she's just layin there".

"Oh my God ! ! ! - And what about your Uncle Frank?"

"He yelled 'Ugh", ran out of the bedroom with no clothes too, and jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool . . . but he must have forgot that you drained it last week, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's just layin there too!

. . . . long pause

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool????? Is this Jessica???"

"No, silly daddy, I'm Nikki, you know that".

[Juniper]

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks heard this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .

The DJs play a game called 'Mate Match'. The DJ calls someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.
If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with(phone number) for verification.

If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet .

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'..?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian..! Is she at work..?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last..?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow..! You really want that trip, huh..? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning..?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at..?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.

You listen to this.'

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?'

(Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to Give any..answers away or you'll lose.Sooooooo... Do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest..'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah..?'

Sarah: 'Well...'

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it..?

Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.

Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.

[Swoop]

I was delighted to get a blow up doll for my birthday, but wasn't so happy to find it had a penis and no tits.

I rang the manufacturer, only to be informed that I'd blown it up inside out.

Oops.:facepalm:

[roogazza]

289227289226289225

[anebv8]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and rode his motorcycle across the country.

[anebv8]

A Polish immigrant went to the AA to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy.

[anebv8]

Linguists have discovered a new language spoken by a remote tribe in India that's understood by only 1,000 people.

It's called "tech support."

[anebv8]

A Blonde is driving down the highway in her Vette when she see's another Blonde sitting in a row boat in the middle of a field just a rowing like crazy.
She slams on her brakes and jumps out of the vette and screams at the second Blonde....
"It's Blondes like you that gives the rest of us a bad name! If i could swim id come out there and snatch you bald!"

[anebv8]

How do you get rid of a blonde after having sex with her?
You open the car door!

[anebv8]

A police officer pulled over two nuns riding on a motorcycle, and said to the rider, 'Ma'am, you're driving much too slowly for the freeway, could you please drive faster?"

And the nun says, "Oh, I saw the sign with the "21" and assumed the speed limit was 21 mph"

The officer explains: "No ma'am, the speed limit is 70 mph. The highway number is Interstate 21."

Then the police officer looks at the passenger and sees the other nun shaking like a leaf.

"Excuse me sister, but what's wrong with your passenger?"

"Oh, that's probably because we just got off Highway 157

[YellowDog]

I woke up swathed in bandages, in a hospital ICU, tubes entering different parts of my body, wires monitoring every function, a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.


It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.



I heard her say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'




I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'

[Juniper]

This guy is sitting in a bar drunk. He asks the bartender, "Where's the bathroom at?" The bartender says, "Go down the hall and make a right."

Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream coming from the bathroom, and they wonder about what's going on in there. A few minutes go by, and again, everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom. This time, the bartender decides to investigate, and he goes into the bathroom to see what the drunk is screaming about.

He opens the door and asks the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."

The drunk whines, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my gonads!"

With that, the bartender looks in and says, "No wonder! You're sitting on a mop bucket, you idiot!!"

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.

Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?'

'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night.

He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

[Robbo]

Friday Chuckle on sex



1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a
good memory.... I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom
factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she
objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to
men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best
thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try
Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good
partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too
small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the
enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He
was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's
life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed',
many men still sleep with their wives!

[pete376403]

A friend of mine has a huge Labrador Retriever. It eats a lot, and we went to the store to buy a large bag of dog food. We were in line to check out and a woman behind him asked if he had a dog.

The "what a moron!" look on my buddy's face was priceless, and I knew what it meant: he was going to toy with her. He told her that no, he was starting The Purina Diet again although he probably shouldn't -- he said he had ended up in the hospital last time, but that he'd lost 50 pounds before he awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.

He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. He said that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with his story, particularly a big tall guy who was behind the woman.

Horrified, she asked why he ended up in the hospital -- had the Purina made him sick? He told her no; he'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking his balls and a car hit him.

The woman turned fire-engine red, and I helped the tall guy up off the floor.

[haydes55]

People can be so easy to read. Like if their face is red, they're embarrassed. Or if their skin is brown, they're about to commit a crime.

[Juniper]

Anyone who says marriage is an equal partnership is talking utter bollocks.

I gave up my mates, my motorbike, drinking, drugs, gambling...

All she gave up was fucking sex.

[Juniper]

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him
back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy,
"You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for
three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The indians get his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps
the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse
comesback with a naked blonde.
She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The
Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only think
one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The indians bring him
his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something
in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the
horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the
teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die
tomorrow ... can only think one thing." The last day comes, and the
chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him
his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard
and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

[Juniper]

1. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"Your room looks like a tornado hit it."
2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.
"You better pray that comes out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."
4. My mother taught me about OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
5. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, I can take you out."
6. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in the world who don't have wonderful parents like you."
7. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when we get home."
8. My mother taught me about GENEOLOGY.
"Shut that door... You think you were raised in a barn?"
9. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids... I hope they turn out just like you!"
10. My mother taught me about LOGIC.
"Because I said so, That's why."
11. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until your spinach is gone."
12. My mother taught me about IRONY.
"Keep crying. I'll give you something to cry about."

[Stirts]

A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop-dead gorgeous female sales assistant behind the counter.
He walks up to the counter where she's standing, unzips his fly, and places his dick on the counter.

"What are you doing, sir?" she asks. "This is a clock shop!"

"I know it is," he replies. "And I'd like two hands and a face put on THIS!"

[Swoop]

When the first Indian astronaut stepped onto the surface of Mars he found no signs of life.

By the time the second one stepped out of the spaceship there was a corner shop and a curry-house.

[roogazza]

For tomorrow the 8th.
289472289471

[roogazza]

289488289489289490

[Akzle]

[/ATTACH]

That should be in the sickest jokes.

Ah. The future is bright, no?

[Juniper]

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

[Swoop]

Congratulations on India being the first country to send a rocket to Mars.
Before having a sewage system.


Following India announcing it intends to send a rocket to Mars, NASA said it feared for the safety of the 500 astronauts who will be sitting on the roof of the craft during take-off.


"Calcutta we have a problem".
Please hold.... your call is important to us.


Also:
289507

[Banditbandit]

The new Royal Baby, George, has already done three of the things on my bucket list.

1. Became a billionaire

2. Met the Queen

3. Sucked Kate Middleton’s tits

[Swoop]

NEWSFLASH!!!

The Americans have developed a new type of rocket that constantly updates its Facebook status until it reaches its target.

It's an attention-seeking missile.

[YellowDog]

A virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido, was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile:

Data was-a belissimo "So, you-a finish too?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No."

Surprised and worried he’s losing his touch, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "now-a ara you-a finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but refusing to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "Now-a you-a finish, yes?"



Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear..... "No, I’m Norwegian.

[YellowDog]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million . His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing 10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million is that he embezzled from me." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger, you fat ugly dick-less bastard."

[Juniper]

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads...
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and just drives on.

Soon, he sees another sign which says...
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES

Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third sign...
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads...
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - WELCOME

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks... "What may we do for you my son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.

"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves.

The man does as he is told and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

"Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."

[Juniper]

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing -- assume the brace position immediately!"

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!"

Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces -- which is why I am putting on my make-up."

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!"

Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts -- which is why I am exposing my tits!"

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi -- Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?"

Calmly, Naomi responds: "Bitches please! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"

[Maha]

But the Black Box is Orange.

[Juniper]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
Fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'

[Banditbandit]

"I'm Jane" she said

"I'm Christopher," he replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short"

"How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked.

"You just ask nicely" he replied

[Drew]

But the Black Box is Orange.

But is it pink on the inside?

[Maha]

But is it pink on the inside?

..that or Nicole Kidman should have been on the plane as well.

[Juniper]

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.

Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES:
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS:
Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL :
Female.. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

[Swoop]

I gave my wife some money today and said, "I want you to go and see a psychic."

"Why?" she asked.

I replied, "I want to know what your Christmas turkey will turn out like this year so I can let the hospital know if they need to be on stand-by or not."

[Swoop]

Love this!

Clever bastards at Pixar. Watch through the end credits as well...
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/pY1_HrhwaXU" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[YellowDog]

Two Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up
and get a Coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab
said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his
Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way ?'

'How long must this go on ?

This fighting between our nations ?

This hatred ?

This animosity ?

This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes ?'

[Banditbandit]

My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."

"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?"

"That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore'.

So I thanked him and left!"

[Scuba_Steve]

My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."

"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?"

"That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore'.

So I thanked him and left!"

... If only we did that in NZ!

A New Zealand man is still driving despite already celebrating a century on Earth, and he’s the oldest man in his country to do so at 105.

Bob Edwards got his first drivers license when he was 17 in 1925, and he learned on a French-made car that didn’t have a steering wheel, but rather a lever. He’s one of the oldest people on the road in the world, but he says it doesn’t really faze him. In fact, when he broke his hip a few years ago, he was warned by his doctor not to drive for at least six weeks, but because he drives an automatic he ignored the advice.

- while it's a joke, it's not the sort for this thread

[Ocean1]

... If only we did that in NZ!

A New Zealand man is still driving despite already celebrating a century on Earth, and he’s the oldest man in his country to do so at 105.

Bob Edwards got his first drivers license when he was 17 in 1925, and he learned on a French-made car that didn’t have a steering wheel, but rather a lever. He’s one of the oldest people on the road in the world, but he says it doesn’t really faze him. In fact, when he broke his hip a few years ago, he was warned by his doctor not to drive for at least six weeks, but because he drives an automatic he ignored the advice.

- while it's a joke, it's not the sort for this thread

Mate, at 105 as far as I'm concerned he's got the right to do whatever he wants.

[husaberg]

A pervert walks over to this sorority girl, he said "Bend over and spell run."
So she bent over next thing she knew there was a sharp pain she said "R U N"
The perverted guy said "As far as I can go."

Boy sees his mom and dad having sex! Dad says "were making you a brother" Boy replies " do her doggy style I rather have a puppy".

Wife: Honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear!'
Husband: Kitchen, living room, laundry, dining room......'

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

A dad tell his son "Stop masterbating! if you do it too long you will go blind."
The son replied "Dad, I'm over here"

Q: What is hard and pink when it goes in and soft and wet when it comes out?
A: Bubblegum you dirty minded pervert!

Like The Movies
A guy with a black eye walks into a bar and orders a triple bourbon.

The bartender says "Having a tough day, huh?"

The guy says "Yeah. My wife and I were doing the dishes and she turned to me and said 'Why don't we ever make love like in the movies?' So I bent her over the kitchen table, yanked her pants down and rammed it in. I jackhammered her and slapped her on the ass as I pummeled her. Then I pulled it out, turned her around and blew my load all over her face."

The bartender said "Wow! But what's up with the black eye?

"Turns out we watch different movies."

[Jase H]

Little Johnny sneaks home from school one afternoon.

When he gets into he house, he hears moaning coming from his mum's bedroom. He peeks around the door to see mum completely naked in front of the mirror, groping her own tits and rubbing her own coffee bean shouting "I want a man. I want a MAN. I want a MAAAAN!"

The next day, Johnny sneaks home at the same time to hear the same moans from his mum's bedroom. This time, when peeks around the door, he sees his mum in bed with a fella.

"She's got a man." though Johnny.

So, the following day, Johnny sneaks home even earlier, takes all his clothes off, stands in front of the mirror in his mum's bedroom, then rubs his chest and tummy shouting "I wanna BIKE. I wanna BIKE..."

[Juniper]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same m onastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk.

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. Theman requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight

. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[Juniper]

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.

This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has gotten it right. Few people do.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below].
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Answer:

She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.

If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to determine if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.

[Juniper]

When I took the entrance exam for medical school, I was perplexed by this question:
"Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out the part of the human body that is most useful when erect."

Those who spelled SPINE became doctors.

The rest are now in congress.

[Juniper]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- Shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool .'
And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

------------ --------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy..

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'

[Juniper]

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her room mate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[Juniper]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mummy', the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age', the mother replied. 'It's not polite'.

'OK', the little girl says,
'What colour was your hair 2 years ago?'

'Now really', the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business'.

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mum won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'

'I also know that you used to have brown hair.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because on your driving license it says you got an F in sex.'

[roogazza]

290075290076290077290078

[Swoop]

As I stood swaying from side to side at the Air NZ ticket desk last night, the guy looked at me and said, "Can I help?"

"Yes," I slurred, unzipping my superman costume and pulling my wallet out, "One ticket to Sydney please."

"You're unable to fly, sir." he replied, "You're far too drunk."

I said, "I know mate, that's why I'm getting a plane."

[Juniper]

An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a
confrontation, yelling could be
heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the
grave and come back and
haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To
everyone's relief, he died of a
heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the funeral. After the burial, her
neighbors, concerned for her
safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way
out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.
And I know he won't ask for directions.

[Swoop]

I phoned the doctors surgery this morning and said, "I'd like an appointment for my wife, she's got a really sore throat and can't speak."

"I've got an appointment at 2.30 this afternoon if that's any good?" the receptionist asked.

I replied, "No that's no good, I was looking forward to some piece and quiet so if you can book her in for sometime next week that will be fine."

[roogazza]

290142290143290133290134

[Juniper]

Saturday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked deep & steady and I heard her slowly say,

'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'

I managed to mumble in reply,

'Can I feel your tits, then?'

[Swoop]

Three women who were held as slaves in a London house have been freed after 30 years.

A psychologist warned the worst part of their ordeal is still to come, when they discover Dubstep and reality TV.

[YellowDog]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.


I asked her, "Do you know him?"


"Yes", she sighed,


"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."


"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

[YellowDog]

Jenny, a blonde girl, came skipping home from school one day.


"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other
kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10.
See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"


"Very good," said her mother.


"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.


"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.


... The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and
all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,
B, C, D, E, F, G!"


"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.


"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"


"Yes, it's because you're blonde."


The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we
showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.


"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.


"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"


"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

[husaberg]

After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live. His wife tearfully says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget."

They make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in years. When they're done, Bob asks his wife, "Can we do it again?" This time it's even more passionate.

Later, as she is about to doze off, Bob gives her a nudge and says, "Honey, I know it's getting late, but I think we can do it one more time."

"That's easy for you to say," she complains. "You don't have to get up in the morning."

[anebv8]

Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says,

"I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend".

The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"

"A shag ", Paddy replies.

[anebv8]

The internet's been off for the last 2 days here, and its been too wet for golf, I actually had to talk to my wife. She seems quite nice

[anebv8]

An old priest lay dying in a hospital. He had faithfully served the people of New Zealand for many years. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
‘Yes, Father?’ said the nurse.
‘Before I pass on, I would really like to see John Key and Bill English’, whispered the priest.
‘I’ll see what I can do, Father’, replied the nurse. The nurse telephoned his request to the National Party headquarters and waited for a response. Soon word arrived; John and Bill would be delighted to visit the dying priest. As they drove to the hospital, John commented to Bill, ‘I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images, given the uproar over asset sales and dodgy spending - it might even save our political careers!”
When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took John’s hand in his right hand and Bill’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face. Finally John spoke: ‘Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?’
The old priest slowly replied, ‘I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.’
‘Amen’, said John.
‘Amen’, said Bill.
The old priest continued: “Jesus Christ our saviour died between two lying thieving bastards and I wanted to do the same.”

[anebv8]

Yesterday morning, I saw a radical Muslim, ranting on about Western
aggression in the peace loving Islamic paradise of Afghanistan.
He was standing on a jetty on the Thames River.
He got so excited he lost his footing and fell into the river and
it became apparent he could not swim
Being a responsible citizen, I notified the emergency services.
By noon today, they still hadn't arrived.
I'm beginning to think, I've wasted a stamp!

[anebv8]

Two Aussies are sitting down for a break in their about-to-be-opened new store As yet,

the store isn't ready although the shelving is all in place.

One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious bloke walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Kiwi accent asks, "What're yer sellin' here?"

One of the men replies, "We're selling assholes here mate."

Without missing a beat, the Kiwi says, "Geez, you must have had a bloody good day, you've only got two left!"

[anebv8]

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

[anebv8]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug. :)

[Juniper]

Three men; a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the correct analysis to the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings,"

With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!"

With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the answer to the math problem currently thought to be unsolvable.

With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!"

With another snap of his finger,
the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"

The Devil brought forward a chair.

"Drill 7 holes on the seat."

The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven...

[Juniper]

A lady and her husband,who went to the hospital to give birth to their child, heard of a new technology from the doctor, which would transfer the labour pain from the mother to the father.

The couple were both excited and very much in favour of it. The doctor however said that, to start with, he would transfer only 10% of the pain, as even that small amount of pain would be too much for the father. They agreed and the doctor started the transfer.

The father did not show any signs of pain as the doctor kept increasing the amount of transfer. The transfer was complete at one stage with 100% pain transferred to the father. The father was comfortable even at that stage and the mother delivered the baby. The couple left the hospital with the baby, literally painless and ecstatic, only to return home and find the mailman dead on the porch!

[Juniper]

After living in the remote wilderness of Tennessee all his
life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big
city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in
it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the
image staring back at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture
of my daddy.' He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture
of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife
didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every
morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and
look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many
trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she
searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into
the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin'
around with.

[Juniper]

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high

[Juniper]

The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that
"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Paying consultants to tell you the horse is dead.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do live horses.
13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses. And, of course...
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

[Banditbandit]

The teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

Then little Johnny shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

[Banditbandit]

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

Then little Johnny's voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

[Banditbandit]

I was sitting at a red stop light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of loud, bearded, young Muslims, shouting anti-English slogans, with a half-burned Union Jack duct-taped to the boot lid of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan, spray-painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!!" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "My God, that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.

[Juniper]

There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me. SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

[Juniper]

How many Sisters Of The Immacculate Conception, does it
take to change a light bulb?

.

.

.

Nun!

[Geeen]

For all you truckies out there.

[Banditbandit]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "So, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm an assassin, a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my
tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "If I'm very careful I think I can save you a grand ......"

[Juniper]

Men are happier than woman.

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house

[Juniper]

Mayan: Hey wanna drink?
Other Mayan: I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world.
Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can't get the straw in the hole you've had enough.
Alcohol doesn't turn people into somebody they're not. It just makes them forget to hide that part of themselves.
I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.
If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?
I'm not an alcoholic alcoholics go to meetings, I'm a drunk, we go to parties.
Alcohol doesn't make you fat... it makes you Lean...... on tables, chairs & random people. You say alcoholic, I'll say alcohol enthusiast

[Banditbandit]

The Pet Rooster

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"


THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED ETHEL & MILDRED.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. .. .. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"ETHEL", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID ETHEL.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED ETHEL?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID ETHEL.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,
"
BUT THIS ONE IS EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"

[Banditbandit]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

'What was that for?' he asked.

'That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.

'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.

'Oh darling, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation.'

Three days later he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, 'What was that for?'

She replied: 'Your horse phoned.'

[YellowDog]

A lawyer boarded an aeroplane in New Orleans with a box of
frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of
them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the
crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her
personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning
in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer and threatened
what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to
announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me
the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up... So she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are;
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

[Hinny]

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said - "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."




Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, whowas surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.




"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."




"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of ...."



Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get fucked."

[Banditbandit]

Life just gets better as you get older doesn't it.

I was in a Coffee shop recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realised that I desperately needed to break wind. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my IPod.

This is what happens when old people start using technology.

[_Shrek_]

Two Crocodiles were sitting by the side of the swamp near the river.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can’t understand
how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age. We were
the same size as kids. I just don’t get it."

"Well," said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile,"I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.

[husaberg]

http://www.demotivatingposters.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/Random-Funny-Photos-Part-133_12.jpg

[husaberg]

http://funnymeme.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Random-Funny-Photos-Part-138_38.jpg

[Akzle]

http://www.demotivatingposters.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/Random-Funny-Photos-Part-133_12.jpg

*charades
:facepalm:

http://aroundtheworldineightywaves.com/wp-content/uploads/pictionary-300x300.jpg

[Swoop]

Nigella Lawson, off her tits, snorting coke? Don't care.
Nigella Lawson, snorting coke, off her tits? You have my attention!:blip:


Nigella Lawson has been inconsolable since her divorce from Charles Saatchi. She just keeps shouting out, "charlie, charlie, where's my fucking charlie?"


Nigella Lawson's ex-husband, Charles Saatchi, is now seeing Trinny Woodall.
That's like moving from a comfy sofa to a park bench.


Charles Saatchi has insisted that when he held his wife Nigella Lawson by the throat, he was simply "emphasizing a point".
Having accepted an official caution, the police then threw him down three flights of stairs, also to emphasize a point.


Nigella Lawson's upcoming festive TV special looks a bit dull. All about cold turkey apparently.


So that wasn't a bag of icing sugar on Nigella's worktop?


Just bought the new Nigella Lawson cook book.
The recipes are a bit short though, only a few lines every page.


Following claims that Nigella Lawson was off her head on drugs, she said her ex Husband, Charles Saatchi must have misunderstood when she said she was going to the kitchen to prepare a joint.


BBC: Nigella Lawson "off her head on drugs"
Looking forward to the new Nigella Space Cake Recipe Book!


No wonder Nigellas mince pies dusted with white powder are so addictive.


Trinny Woodall dating Charles Saatchi? One would have thought "Septuagenarian Wife Abuser" would have been pretty high on the list of What Not to Wear.


I was in a lift with Charles Saatchi and Nigella Lawson. They were having a conversation when all of a sudden he lost his temper.
"Take your fucking hands off her, Dickhead! Control yourself!"
He calmed down once I'd stopped groping her tits


I had my suspicions about Nigella Lawson.
When I saw her cutting up the carrots with a razor blade on a mirror.


A court heard that Nigella Lawson smoked pot all of the time.
That explains why she's raiding the fucking fridge all night on her show.


Nigella Lawson has admitted that she has been stockpiling cocaine for years - apparently hiding it in a pair of lovely big, huge, massive, shapely fucking jugs. Men up and down the country have urged her to reveal all and get things off her chest.

[roogazza]

290386290387290388290389

[Banditbandit]

Letter to Pilot from a little girl whom might just have overheard a mum

http://www.itilandme.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/Don+t+Fuck+up+the+Landing+I+saw+this+and+freaking_ 3a7280_13110231.jpg

[Banditbandit]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch Her in the act. While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. For £100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there's his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money'

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Chelsea season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

[Scuba_Steve]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/q71/1391917_318004055037144_1123485210_n.jpg

[Juniper]

A young woman goes to her doctor’s office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs… A green spot on the inside of each. “They won’t wash off, they won’t scrape off and they seem to be getting worse.”

The doctor assures her he’ll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back. A few days later, the woman’s phone rings. Much to her relief, it’s the doctor. She immediately begs to know what’s causing the spots.

The doctor says, “You’re perfectly healthy – - there’s no problem. But I’m wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?”

The woman stammers, “Why, yes, but how did you know?”

“Tell him his earrings aren’t real gold.”

[Juniper]

A dream Come True One sunny day in January, 2017, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench.He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.”The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away.
The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.”The man thanked him and again just walked away.
The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
The old man looked at the Marine and said,“Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.” The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir!”

[Juniper]

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. ... at least for awhile. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly.

The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do.

So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did." He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?". "Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.

But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still." How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines --strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..." She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean--?", he replied, "...I can check my e-mail from here?"

[Juniper]

President Obama walks in to a barber shop to get his hair cut, Soon after George Bush walks in to get his hair cut. The barbers set to work cutting there hair not talking because they didn't want to start a political debate. When the barber finished with President Obama's hair he asked "would you like some cologne?" Obama said "no thank you Michelle will think I've been in a whore house." The other barber asks George the same question to which he replies, "Sure my wife doesn't know what a whore house smells like."

[husaberg]

http://jokes.mtvnimages.com/images/ccstandup/jokes_macros/Jeselnik_Athiest.jpg?width=269&height=270&crop=true&quality=.91

[husaberg]

My First Time
The sky was dark
the moon was high
all alone just her and I

Her hair so soft
her eyes so blue
I knew just what she wanted to do

Her skin so soft
her legs so fine
I ran my fingers down her spine

I didn't know how
but I tried my best
to place my hand on her breast

I remember my fear
my fast beating heart
but slowly she spread her legs apart

And when she did
I felt no shame
as all at once the white stuff came

At last it was finished
it's all over now,
my first time...milking a cow.

[Swoop]

Fans of the Fast and Furious franchise are worried the next film won't be the same without Paul Walker.

Movie critics have already confirmed it will be just as shit as the rest of them.

[Stirts]

Seems Paul Walker went from Fast and Furious to Gone In 60 Seconds

[EJK]

<img src="http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=290578&stc=1&d=1385942480" />

<img src="http://i.imgur.com/XZYkdda.gif" />

<img src="http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=290574&stc=1&d=1385942443" />

<img width="300" src="http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=290575&stc=1&d=1385942443" />

<img src="http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=290576&stc=1&d=1385942443" />

[EJK]

<img width="600" src="http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=290581&stc=1&d=1385953967" />

[EJK]

<img src="http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=290588&stc=1&d=1385959072" />

<img src="http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=290587&stc=1&d=1385959072" />

[Juniper]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and stumbles back and forth on the sidewalk.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.

"Can I help you?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks- "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's cock hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are
exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.....

I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!

[Juniper]

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 35 kg as soon as possible due to very serious health risks.

As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day / 5 kg weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed in nothing but Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day / 10 kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 10 kg, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

[Juniper]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (5kph over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,

"What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face -> PRICELESS

[Juniper]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

[Juniper]

A man was travelling in a crowded bus. A young lady was standing in front of him. After a while the man said, "Wow, what a big butt!"
Then the girl turned back and slapped him in the face. While she was turned back however, the man said again,
"Wow, what small boobs!"
The girl turned back again and slapped him one more time.
After a while the man said,
"Excuse me for what I said a moment ago, but if you want I can give you an advice how to make your boobs bigger."
The girl thought it over and said,
"Okay. Tell me how."
"Every morning when you get up, take a piece of toilet paper and start rubbing it into your boobs."
"Does it work?"
"I don’t know, but as I see it has worked on your butt."

[Juniper]

A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went Through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher And higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an Airplane.

The next day, he called home to tell his father the news. "So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well, let me tell you what happened," the son said. "We got up in the Plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane.

"Is that when you jumped?" asked his father.

"Uh, no. The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and Throw them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked his father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man Left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He Told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt.

"So, did you jump?"

"No. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door And refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He Said to me, 'Are you gonna jump or
not?'"

"I said, 'No sir, I'm too scared." So the Jump Master pulled down his Zipper and took out his you-know-what. I swear, dad, it was about ten Inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Either you jump Out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked his father.

"Well, a little, at first"...

[Juniper]

1: Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead to undoing of fly.

2: Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone.

3: Man who run in front of car get tired.

4: Man who run behind car get exhausted.

5: Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

6: Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

7: Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

8: Man with one chop stick go hungry.

9: Man who scratches butt should not bite finger nails.

10: Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

11: Baseball is wrong... man with four balls cannot walk.

12: Panties not best thing on earth... but next to it.

13: War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left.

14: Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

15: Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

16: It take many nails to build crib... but one screw to fill it.

17: Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

18: Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

19: Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

20: Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

21: Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

22: Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

23: Difference between pick pocket and peeping tom is the pick pocket snatches watches.

24: Gay Indian is also a brave sucker.

25: Man and mouse are the same... both end up in pussy.

26: Sex is like bridge game... don't need a partner if you have good hand.

[haydes55]

Nightline just made a funny,

"Class of '92" movie premier being reported on.

The caption when one of the one direction boys is on tv:
"Ryan Styles
Why is he here?"

[Juniper]

So God has finished creating everything and brings all the animals together.
God, "I am now going to hand out your sex lives. Man, I will give you ten years."
Man, "Is that all. Can I have more please?"
God, "No!"
God, "Lions, you are next. You can have ten years also."
Lions, "Thanks God but we only need five years."
Man, "Please can I have their other five please God?"
God, "Alright Man, but please be quiet. Monkeys, you are next, you can have ten years."
Monkeys, "We only need five years thank you God."
Man, "Can I have their other five years plaes God?"
God, " Oh, alright. Asses your next. You can have ten years."
Asses, "Thanks God but we only need five years as well."
Man, "Please, please can I have their other five years?"
God, "Ok Man but no more."
All the other animals were content with thier lot, but this only goes to prove Man's sexlife is made up of ten years of normal sexlife, five years monkey-ing around, five years of lion about it, and five years of making an Ass of himself!

[Juniper]

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”
No one moved.
The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
Life is Short, Smile.
Give me an Amen, Brother!

[Swoop]

I was in Glasgow today, and couldn't believe the amount of flowers, cards and other tributes placed by the Clutha Vaults.

The Scots take the loss of a pub seriously!

[Juniper]

So Abe and Yossi, two nice Jewish guys are walking down the avenue, when they see a sign at the church reading "- RECEIVE $20 for Converting"

"Hey Abe, I'm going to do it"
"What, are you crazy Yossi?"
"No really, check it out Abe..."

And with that Yossi walks into the church. So Abe's waiting for him for about 20 minutes when Yossi finally comes out, contemplative, hands gently held together.

Abe asks, "Nu..., so..., did you get the 20 bucks?"
"Is that all you people ever think about?"

[Juniper]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells" .

Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And
just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's".

[Juniper]

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

[Juniper]

I've noticed in life that often the most beautiful women are the least secure. I want nothing more than to meet one of these insecure beauties and nurture her out of her shell until she believes with all her heart that her beauty isn't skin deep but a beacon which radiates from her very core

Then fuck her in the arse.

[husaberg]

http://rlv.zcache.co.uk/funny_dyslexic_sign_bumper_sticker-r2186b786d52e4a69b219defbffc2a817_v9wht_8byvr_324. jpg

[Juniper]

There was three guys a sex addict a weed addict and a alcoholic they all went to hell for their sin and was standing in front of the devil.
The devil made a deal with them saying I will lock you in a room with what ever you did for a 1000 years and if you get over any of your sins I will send you back to the land of the living, Earth.
So the sex addict got locked in a room full of virgins, the alcohol addict got locked in a room full of beer, the weed addict locked in a room full of weed.
1000 years later the Devil goes to the sex addict he comes out saying "Aww my dick hurts I'm never having sex again", poof back to earth, Open the alcoholic room and he say "Im never having beer", and gets sent back to Earth. Then the Devil opens the weed addicts room and the Weed addict punches the Devil in the face and says you forgot my lighter bitch!

[Juniper]

He laid her on the table,
So white, clean and bare.

His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast,
And then, drooling, felt her thigh.

The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside,

All was dark and murky.

He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms,

And then he stuffed the turkey.

[Juniper]

There was a knock on the door this morning.

I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:

"Hello sir,I'm a Jehovah's Witness ..."

I said "Come in and sit down."

I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"

He said,

"Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before."

[Juniper]

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

[Geeen]

290627



10 char

[Juniper]

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . . . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants

[_Shrek_]

"Tui's" next billboard..... Banks thoroughly honest guy Key says "Yeah Right" :killingme

[Juniper]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500 .

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch Whiskey.

At the fourth house a blond in her lingerie met him at the door. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blond fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a Five Pound Note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he
said, "but what's the fiver for?"

"Well," said the blond, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said, "Screw him. Give him a fiver."

The breakfast was my idea."

[Juniper]

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it!

Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies!

One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

[Juniper]

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused.

Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with humility, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow."

[Juniper]

A roman Catholic priest and a Rabbi are walking down a street when they see a cute young boy walk out of a shop

"lets fuck that young boy" says the priest
"out of what" asks the Rabbi

[Juniper]

Three nuns die in a plane crash and meet St Peter at the pearly gates. Peter say "Ladies you have led such exemplary lives that we've decided to let you go back and live any other life you might have wanted and you'll still be welcome afterwards."

The first nun say "Oh St Peter, I've always wanted to be Mother Teresa" Peter says " That's very noble of you" and poof she's gone to be Mother Teresa.

The second nun say "Oh St Peter, I want to go back and be Marilyn Monroe" Peter says " That could be fun" and poof she's gone to be Marilyn Monroe.

The third nun says "Father I was reading about a women on the plane named Alice Kapiplin, I would like to be her" Peter says "I don't think I know her, let me go look her up in our files"

A few minutes later Peter returns and says "Sister I'm sorry to have to tell you this but it wasn't Alice Kapiplin that got laid by 5,000 men. It was the Alaska Pipeline".

[Juniper]

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?"

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old asked,
"Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

[nadroj]

Ever wonder what happens when you forget history or are nationally arrogant?


JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded "Does that include those who are buried here?"


You could have heard a pin drop
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?'

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:

'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply
Emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day,
They can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'

You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Royal Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, the English learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'

Without hesitating, the British Admiral replied,

'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's, South Africans, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The Englishman said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.."

"Impossible. You English always have to show your passports on arrival in France !"

The English senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained,

''Well, when I came ashore at Gold Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchman to show a passport to."

You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you are proud to be an American, British, Canadian, Australian, South African, or a New Zealander pass this on!

[roogazza]

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[Swoop]

Police in Glasgow have confirmed they have arrested a man who climbed on the roof of a pub to paint 'HAPPY ST. ANDREWS DAY' in giant white letters.

Fortunately they managed to stop him after he only had time to finish the 'H'.

[Stirts]

Santa Claus has delivered my presents already so I sent a letter to the North Pole to complain about him coming too early.

I got a reply back from Mrs Claus, apparently she already knows

[Juniper]

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large].

The word condom won’t even be used

The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350"..

The girl panicked.

She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs.
"Yes "!!!! She said " He's got one hanging there"....!

The boss said

"Go back in and give him £3-50......................he's the Window cleaner"!!!!!!

[anebv8]

My First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the shit out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

[Juniper]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

[Juniper]

Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. It looked so realistic, that when Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook, she slammed it with a ruler. The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the book once again, again the fly didn't fly away.

This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper. With the class laughing, she realized what had happened.

Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school.

"You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said.

"That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and for two weeks straight I was pulling splinters out of my dick."

[Juniper]

Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street
(pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) Well, Picabo is not just an athlete.
She is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care
Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused
too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,
Picabo, I.C.U.

[Juniper]

The crowd is preparing to stone a woman when Jesus arrives and says "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!"

A big jagged rock comes flying through the air and nails Jesus right upside the head. He says "You know mom, sometimes you really piss me off".

[Juniper]

Santa walks into a bar ordered two shots of vodka. He drank the first and poured the second over his right hand.

Then he ordered another two shots of vodka, drank one and tipped the other over his right hand.

After watching Santa do the same thing for third time, the bartender asked, "Why do you keep wasting good drink?"

Santa slurred, "I have to get my date drunk."

[Juniper]

Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Older Man : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Older Man : "I don't really give a shit what you think."

[Juniper]

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They emailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports .

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightening suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 'It's gone! It's all gone! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. 'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?' God just shrugged and said,

"JESUS SAVES....."

[Swoop]

The helicopter that crashed into a Glasgow pub killing nine people could have destroyed a Mosque a couple of hundred yards away.

And they wonder why the public have no faith in the police!

[Banditbandit]

You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs. In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.

This “TRUE” interview went as follows:

The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”

The farmer stared at the reporter and said? “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year”?

Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”

Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”

Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss.” “Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?”

THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED ....

[Juniper]

Peter Peter Pumpkin eater
Had a wife and liked to beat her
smacked her twice across the head
fucked her ass and went to bed

[Juniper]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy
dress party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he
writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please
find enclosed a Pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover
your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a
Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, sorry
about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.

The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you
will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has
gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald
head.

So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the
accompanying letter:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it
harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee
apple.

[roogazza]

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[Juniper]

An Englishman

a Scotsman,

an Irishman,

a Welshman,

a Latvian,

a Turk,

a German,

an Indian,

several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinian,

a Dane,

an Australian,

a Slovak,

an Egyptian,

a Japanese,

a Moroccan,

a Frenchman,

a New Zealander,

a Spaniard,

a Russian,

a Guatemalan,

a Colombian,

a Pakistani,

a Malaysian,

a Croatian,

a Uzbek,

a Cypriot,

a Pole,

a Lithuanian,

a Chinese,

a Sri Lankan,

a Lebanese,

a Cayman Islander,

a Ugandan,

a Vietnamese,

a Korean,

a Uruguayan,

a Czech,

an Icelander,

a Mexican,

a Finn,

a Honduran,

a Panamanian,

an Andorran,

an Israeli,

a Venezuelan,

an Iranian,

a Fijian,

a Peruvian,

an Estonian,

a Syrian,

a Brazilian,

a Portuguese,

a Liechtensteiner,

a Mongolian,

a Hungarian,

a Canadian,

a Moldavian,

a Haitian,

a Norfolk Islander,

a Macedonian,

a Bolivian,

a Cook Islander,

a Tajikistani,

a Samoan,

an Armenian,

an Aruban,

an Albanian,

a Greenlander,

a Micronesian,

a Virgin Islander,

a Georgian,

a Bahaman,

a Belarusian,

a Cuban,

a Tongan,

a Cambodian,

a Canadian,

a Qatari,

an Azerbaijani,

a Romanian,

a Chilean,

a Jamaican,

a Filipino,

a Ukrainian,

a Dutchman,

a Ecuadorian,

a Costa Rican,

a Swede,

a Bulgarian,

a Serb,

a Swiss,

a Greek,

a Belgian,

a Singaporean,

an Italian,

a Norwegian

and 2 Africans,

... Walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.

"You can't come in here without a Thai

[Juniper]

Little Johnny grew up and was getting married. He asked his friend. How would I know if my wife is a virgin?

He was told to get himself an Irish Virginity test kit.

Little Johnny asked what that was.

His friend told him to "Get a Can of Red Paint, a can of Blue Paint and a Shovel."

Little Johnny: how on earth does that work?

His friend answered: Paint your right Ball Red and Left Ball Blue and as you remove your underwear, if your wife says, 'that's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen' Hit her head with the Shovel !

[YellowDog]

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for £500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT".

On the way to the office in the morning, he regretted what he had done, realising that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for £250 and enclose the following typed note:

"Dear Madam: Enclosed find a cheque for £250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

1 - it had never been occupied;
2 - there was plenty of heat; and
3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for £250 with the following note:

"Dear Sir: First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present Landlady.''

[Banditbandit]

People are often struck by the warmth and heart wrenching simplicity of Australian bush poetry. It can bring a tear to the eye and a lump to the throat.



Australians are so remarkably blessed to have such an abundant wealth of talented bush poets, through whom future generations can learn about our history and our unique lifestyle.


Here's a classic example - a wonderfully simple, yet poignant poem about the humble tomato.



"I know a Muslim whose name is Tim,
I really love throwing tomatoes at him,
Tomatoes are soft and don't hurt the skin,
But these fuckers do, 'cos they're still in the tin."

[Banditbandit]

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? ''What's so special about it?'

The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.' The woman giggles and replied.

'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn daylight saving, Bloody thing's an hour fast!"

[Banditbandit]

The first day back at school after the summer holidays, the teacher asks the children to stand up and tell the rest of the class what they did for Christmas Day.
“Now, Peter, would you like to start?”

Peter stands up and says, “well, Miss we are Catholic, so we got up real early and went to church for mass, then we came home and opened all our presents, then we had breakfast, then we played with our new toys, then we went back to church for mass. Then we came home and had a big lunch, and all the adults went to sleep afterwards, while us kids played some more with our new toys, and broke them all.”

“Very nice, Peter,” the teacher says “Now, Paul, would you like to tell us what you did on Christmas Day?”

Paul stands up and says, “well, Miss we are Protestant, so we got up real early and opened all our presents, then we had breakfast, then we played with our new toys , then we went back to church. Then we came home and had a big lunch, and all the adults went to sleep afterwards, while us kids played some more with our new toys, and broke them all.”

“Very nice, Paul,” the teacher says “Now, Abraham, would you like to tell us what you did on Christmas Day?”

Abraham stands up and says, well Miss, we are Jewish, so we don’t celebrate Christmas, but my father owns a toy shop, so after breakfast on Christmas morning we went down to my father’s toy shop, looked at all the empty shelves and we sang “What a friend we have in Jesus …”

[roogazza]

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[Stirts]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the christmas tree.

Not very many people know this.

[MSTRS]

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied:

"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A GENDER CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS".

[Juniper]

A teacher asks the class to find out what their mothers do.
Little Johnny goes home, his mom isn't around so he asks his dad.

The next day the teacher asks little Johnny what his mom does.

He replied, "What she's fucking told."

[Juniper]

Johnny and his girlfriend go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, Johnny goes out to chop some wood.
When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up."
So he does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night.
When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

[husaberg]

http://obscureinternet.com/wp-content/uploads/In-Bread-cat.jpg

[roogazza]

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[Robbo]

That's life i guess:lol:

[Swoop]

Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.

Is that a trick question?:scratch:

[Ocean1]

With Xmas upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.

Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadblock but since it was a cab they waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident.

This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

[Banditbandit]

"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."


"Okay then," said George, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.
In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said,"I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," George replied.

She ran out of the room.

[Banditbandit]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/1456531_385455654925072_1570990999_n.jpg

[Swoop]

China-Fake Viagra, fake iPads, fake perfume ,fake trainers, fake handbags, fake watches, fake DVDs...

But their recent moon landing was real right?

[Swoop]

Settled down to watch Obama at the Mandela gig with my deaf wife the other day.

Apparently, Space Shuttle Atlantis is due to have a baby next buffalo.