Friday jokes

[Swoop]

I had a German plumber round the other day to fix my shower.
He accidentally connected the gas supply to the water supply.
I guess old habits die hard.



Cuddling your wife after sex is like staying on the toilet after a dump.



What do you call a pointless race that covers around 2,200 miles throughout France?

The French.



I have sleepless nights trying to remember the difference between amnesia and insomnia.:wacko:




I wonder how people coped before there were estate agents…

Man 1: Would you like to buy my house?

Man 2: Yes.




I’ve just completed The Beatles: Rock Band, and it’s got the most depressing ending ever:
John gets shot, Paul gets divorced, George gets cancer and Ringo lives.




There’s a film on about the Chinese Civil War tonight, but I won’t bother watching it.

I’ve already seen Attack of the Clones.





After spending three years as a pissed up degree student, I decided it was time to give something back.

Traffic cones mostly.





Although Anthony Hopkins is Welsh, he’s never been accused of sheep shagging.

It’s all down to the silence of the lambs.







Here’s a line that always makes me laugh…

________________________________________

…Michael Jackson’s ECG.








It’s always worried me that God forgot to include prohibitions on rape and child abuse in the Ten Commandments.
Then again, it’s never bothered the Catholic Church.





I don’t know if I’m a pirate or a pyromaniac.

I can’t stop burning DVDs.:crybaby:

[Fatt Max]

Brilliant Friday Funnies as per usual sir,

My weekend entertainment is complete'

Have a beer good man

[crazyhorse]

On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British Columbia, a RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside. "What's the matter?" asked the policeman.

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out." he said

"I Can't."


"OK, Watch me and I will show you." The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider. It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded...." :rofl:

[Zuki lover]

Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

[Zuki lover]

The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

[racefactory]

I only happen to know sick, degrading woman themed jokes i'm afraid.

Why are clams like women?
When the red tide comes, you don't eat them.


What do you call a hooker with a snotty nose?
FULL

Did you hear about the new video game for women only, called Dick-Man?
You put a quarter in and get fucked.

How can you tell if you've been fucking your girl too much?
A: Stick your thumb in her asshole and your middle finger up her snatch,
If you can hear yourself snap your fingers, ease off a little.

What two things in the air might get a woman pregnant?
Her feet!

That's all for now folks...

[crazyhorse]

Boy lost his job in the fish n chip shop. Dad goes to find out why.

Owner says 'I found him with the potato peeler up his arse'

Dad says 'show me the potato peeler'

Owner says 'I fired him too' :lol:

[MSTRS]

A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the cop is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?" "Yes" replies the cop. He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?" "No" replies the cop. "Well then," says the man, "I think you're A CUNT!"

[Mrs Cowboyz]

ok this is the only joke I can remember, and apologies if it offends anyone!!

What is black and sits at the top of the stairs?






A paraplegic after a house fire!

[Mikkel]

On the plane, the captain has just given his in-flight briefing and have forgotten to turn of the microphone. So the entire plane hears the captain say to the co-pilot: "What I could really use now is a hot cup of coffee and a blowjob!"
One of the air-hostesses hears this and hurries off to the cockpit to inform them that they have left the microphone one.
Then one of the passengers yells after her: "Don't forget the coffee honey!"

[one fast tl1ooo]

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"

"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"

"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

[Love my Bonnie]

My favourite joke ever

A woman is working in a sperm bank when in comes a robber wearing a balaclava & carrying a shotgun
He points the shotgun at her and yells "open the safe"
She opens the safe
"now get out some sperm" he shouts
She gets out some sperm "now drink it!!" he yells, pointing the shotgun at her
"but its sperm" she replies
"DRINK IT!!" he shouts
so she opens the vial and drinks the sperm
"now get out some more" yells th erobber pointing the shotgun at her again
the woman does as shes told
"NOW DRINK THAT TOO" he yells
she drinks the sperm
The man takes off his balaclava, it's her husband
"not that fucken hard was it?" he asks

LOL

[Stirts]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my cock," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his cock?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

[one fast tl1ooo]

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."
"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."
"It's a big rooster," she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

[Stirts]

A woman dies and floats up to the pearly gates and is waiting and has a chat with St Peter who explains that there is a bit of a queue today. With that a loud and drawn out scream is heard........
"What was that" she goes
"That is them drilling the hole in the head to fit the halo" said St Peter
Then another scream is heard followed by another
"And those?" she said
"Ah! that would be them drilling the holes for the wings" St Peter said
"Would it be alright if i errr went to the other place, you know, down below please" said the worried lady
" But if you go down there my child it will be continious rape and sodomy for all eternity" said St Peter who was now getting worried about the woman.
" Well yes" she said " but I already have holes for that"

[one fast tl1ooo]

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

[Pussy]

I have sleepless nights trying to remember the difference between amnesia and insomnia.:wacko:





A bit like the bloke who didn't know the difference between incest and arson....




he set fire to his sister

[Mikkel]

ATTENTION!

Since it is Friday it's important that you read the following:

A scientific study has concluded that beer contains large quantities of the female hormone oestrogen.
These findings have been based upon extensive field studies and have focused upon several specific symptoms in male test subjects ingesting beer.
These symptoms are as follows:

1) Subjects exhibit an increased tendency towards talking about random subjects with little to no coherence.
2) The subjects suffer from substantial impairment of hand-to-eye coordination and judgement - particularly reduced is the ability to operate heavy machinery such as motorvehicles.
3) Subjects looses the ability to stand upright while urinating.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

[vifferman]

ATTENTION!
A scientific study has concluded that beer contains large quantities of the female hormone oestrogen.
These findings have been based upon extensive field studies and have focused upon several specific symptoms in male test subjects ingesting beer.
These symptoms are as follows:
You missed summat:
Heavy ingestion apparently causes men to grow breasts and to look pregnant.

[Stirts]

Government officials are considering putting health warnings on alcoholic drinks. Instead of that, print a picture of an ugly fat chick on the label. When you start fancying her you've had too much!

[one fast tl1ooo]

Kelly is so fat, he shows up on radar.

The guy is so fat, he leaves footprints in concrete!

Bill was so fat when he stepped on the scale it said, "To be continued."

One guy was so fat, he had his own area code.

You are so fat NASA orbits satellites around you.

Kelly is so big, he plays hopscotch like, "Texas...Alabama...North Carolina...Pennsylvania..."

I know a lady named Paulette that is so fat she has to wake up in sections.

And then there is Judy. She has so many double chins she looks like she is staring at you over a pile of pancakes.

Seriously though, Judy isn’t fat, she insists she’s just 4 feed too short.

But Paulette takes the cake. Once she jumped into the gulf here in Panama City and the tide came in at Myrtle Beach.

Your mama's so fat, when she broke her leg, gravy poured out!

Kelly is so fat, they use his belt to measure the Earth's equator.

The guy is so fat, if someone would melt him down, they'd have enough oil to power Detroit for a month!

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat pig!"

Kelly is so fat, if he wore a GoodYear hat, he'd look like a blimp.

You are so fat you were baptized in Sea World.

You are so fat, you had your baby pictures taken by satellite.

Kelly is so fat, people jog around him for exercise.

Jim is so fat when they step on the scale it says, "No live stock please."

Yo momma's so fat she needs a VCR for a pager

Your mama's so fat that her belly button makes an echo

Yo momma's so fat her cerial bowl comes with a lifeguard

Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she says "Trick or Meatloaf!"

Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get to her GOOD side.

[Stirts]

Drafting Guys over 60 ---- obviously written by a Former Soldier-
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b....

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
If nothing else, put them on border patrol..... they will have it secured the first night!

[one fast tl1ooo]

Farting All The Time
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

[nadroj]

A woman who is beaten black and blue, goes to the doctor.
Doctor: What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it.Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later she returns to the doctor,and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman: "Doc, That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and nothing happened."

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"

[nadroj]

Wooden Leg Insurance


I Always did find the New Zealand Logic a little different from most others!!!

A man and his wife, moved back home to Wellington, from Sydney.
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Sydney was $2000...00 a year!
When they arrived in Wellington, they went to an insurance agency to
see how much it would cost to insure. The agent looked it up on the
computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in
Wellington to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in Sydney!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said,
'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: *Any wooden structure,
with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.*

[nadroj]

Wine DOES NOT make you FAT



it makes you LEAN...

. . .against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

[Mikkel]

If you find yourself with a bit of spare time on your hands before beer'o'clock - go here: http://skippyslist.com/list/

[one fast tl1ooo]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.

Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.

Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter

Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?
A. He's smoking a cigarette.

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.

Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving

Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"

Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.

Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.

Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Rubbish man cums acros a maori leanin on his fence and said weaz ur bin?? maori sez i bin on holiday" nah bro, weaz ur wheely-bin??? OK i wheely bin in jail

[Love my Bonnie]

Once upon a time in a land far far away, there was a woman who didnt moan, whine or bitch!!

BUt it ws only once, and a fucken long time ago!!

[Mikkel]

A man walks into a bar...

[MSTRS]

I just applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100ft tall and 400ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green. The Town council told me to fuck off. So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque. Work starts on Monday...

[crazyhorse]

GHOST SEX

A professor at Texas A&M University was giving a lecture on the
supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in
ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts,
do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've
been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,
'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, "From way back there I thought you said Goats."

[crazyhorse]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[FJRider]

A man walks into a bar...

... with a pig under his arm. The Barman asks ... where did you get that ???

The Pig says ... I won it in a raffle ...

[FJRider]

A man walks into a bar...

...with a frog on top of his head. The Barman asks ... where did you get that ???

The FROG says ... it all started with a wart on my bum ...

[Virago]

A man walks into a bar...

"Ouch...!" he said.

[Mully]

Man walks up to his wife with a pig under his arm.

Says "this is the cow I've been shagging"
Wife says "That's a pig"
He says "I was talking to the pig"

[Mully]

A man walks into a bar...

Seal walks into a club

[Mikkel]

"Ouch...!" he said.


Seal walks into a club

Good job gentlemen...

So what did the sign say?

[kevfromcoro]

A man walks into a bar...

an abo walks into a bar with a seagull on his head
where did you get that. says the barman
seagull replies...plenty more down at the tip

[crazyhorse]

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Fuck off. You're on my side!!!"

[crazyhorse]

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.

"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.....
On any land. No questions asked or answers given.

Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge......

Show HIM, your BADGE! "

[crazyhorse]

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched.
None
of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, I'M SO LONELY, TOO . BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME. YOU WON 'T EVER BE SORRY.

The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her KISS ME AND YOU WON 'T BE SORRY!

So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.

SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW CAN
YOU
GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?


COME ON GUESS!



*

*

*

*

*

*


SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!

She's old..... NOT DEAD!!!


OLD LADIES ROCK :Punk:

[crazyhorse]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients

and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much

he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt

and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal

reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first

medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head

would bring him back to reality.

Whispering......
Dave............


Dave .............


Dave........


Dave........


.......... you're a vet.

[Bounce001]

A husband and wife were driving in the car in silence following a huge argument. As they drive through the country side, they pass a paddock full of pigs.

The husband turns and looks at his wife and says, "Relatives of yours are they?" pointing to the pigs.

"Yes", the wife replies. "In-laws".

[HenryDorsetCase]

http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kx08a1wFbQ1qzap7co1_500.gif



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0L1hD5OlPtw

power rangers dance to "Little Green Bag"

[Stirts]

It's not Friday yet people!!!

[crazyhorse]

It's not Friday yet people!!!

no its not, but only 7 hours and 20 minutes to go...... :woohoo:

[Stirts]

no its not, but only 7 hours and 20 minutes to go...... :woohoo:

Well in 7 hours and 17 minutes you can post in this thread :moon: Fecking tease!!

[crazyhorse]

Well in 7 hours and 17 minutes you can post in this thread :moon: Fecking tease!!

Ok, but just to keep things going, heres another one :laugh:

Boy walks in on dad fucking mum.
Dad winks and keeps going.
Next day, dad walks in on boy fucking grandma.
The boy winks and says
"not so funny when its your mum aye!" :yeah:

[Bass]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in a bid to spice up her sex life...
She puts them on with a short skirt and sits on the lounge settee opposite her husband..
At strategic moments she crosses her legs till she gets her husbands attention....
"Are you wearing crotchless knickers" he asks....
"Y-e-s " she answers with a seductive smile...
"Thank Christ for that " he says "I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa"................

[Swoop]

I've written the funniest joke ever about Bono's death. The only problem is that it makes no sense at the moment because the cunt is still alive.

I'm quite prepared to bide my time for a few decades until his life comes to a natural end, but if anyone wants to hear the joke now, and it really is the funniest joke ever, you know what you have to do....




A bloke and a woman are in a car in the middle of nowhere. Just as they are about to have sex, the woman says "look, I'm a prostitute, and it's going to cost you $50-". Reluctantly, the guy pays. After the sex, the guy just sits, smoking a cigartette. The prostitute asks, "why aren't you driving"? The guy says, "I forgot to tell you, I'm a taxi driver, and it's going to cost you $90- to get back into town".

[crazyhorse]

It was time for Father John's
Saturday night bath and the
Young nun, Sister Magdalene,
Had prepared the bath water
And towels just the way the
Old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also
Instructed not to look at Father
John's nakedness if she could
Help it, do whatever he told her
To do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun
Asked Sister Magdalene how the
Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun�
Dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
'Saved? And how did that come
About?' asked the old nun.
'Well, when Father John was
Soaking in the tub, he asked me
To wash him, and while I was
Washing him he guided my hand
Down between his legs where he
Said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'
'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued,
'And Father John said that if the Key
To Heaven fit my lock, the portals
Of Heaven would be opened to me
And I would be assured salvation
And eternal peace. And then Father
John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'
'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.
'At first it hurt terribly, but Father
John said the pathway to salvation
Was often painful and that the glory
Of God would soon swell my heart
With ecstasy. And it did, it felt so
Good being saved.'
'That wicked old bastard, said the
Old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn,
And I've been blowing it for 40 years!

[MSTRS]

Kids know far too much these days. This morning whilst in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie & Ken dolls imitating the doggy position. I bent down and told her, "You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that". She replied, "I don't think so. He's doing her up the arse!"

[MSTRS]

An Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replied.The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers! Why not?" "I can't afford any on the money you give me" she protests. He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet Mudder, Maggie! Where the fook are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any!" The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says "Well, fer the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

[<G>]

A farmer buys several sheep hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and phones the vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So he loads the sheep onto his Land Rover and drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them home and goes to bed.
Next morning he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are still standing around he deduces that the first try didn’t take and loads them into the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. “Try again” he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drives out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home he falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
“No”, she says, “they’re all in the Land Rover and one of them is beeping the horn”.

[crazyhorse]

A priest decided to
do something a little different.
He said
'Today, in church, I am going
to say a single word
and you are going to
help me preach.
Whatever single word I say,
I want you to sing whatever
hymn that comes to your mind --
the pastor shouted out
'CROSS.'

Immediately
the congregation started singing in unison,
'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began
to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.'
The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said 'SEX'
The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other
afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden,
way from in the back of the church,
a little old 87 year old grandmother
stood up and began to sing
'MEMORIES.'

[crazyhorse]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was
washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response
on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and
sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling
him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the
trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they
would close the curtains for privacy.... The husband finally agreed
and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse,
no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?'
they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Darren marries the girl of his dreams, and they go on their honeymoon. On their first night, Darren leaves the hotel room to get a pack of cigarettes in the lobby. When he gets back, his bride is lying on the bed naked fucking one of the bellhops. Another one is under her, pumping her in the ass. She’s sucking off the desk clerk, and she’s jerking off a cab driver and the dishwasher at the same time. Darren screams, “What the fuck are all these jerk-offs doing in here?” She says, “Well, you always knew I was a flirt.”

[one fast tl1ooo]

Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband’s rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don’t do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.

The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed’s asshole. The mortician can’t believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he proceeds. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man’s ear, “It HURTS, doesn’t it?”

[blackdog]

a woman walks into a bar, sits down and orders 10 bourbon and cokes.

one after another, she downs them, passes out, and falls off the stool.

the barman, unable to pass up the opportunity, takes her to the dunnys and screws her. he then gets the bouncers, the waiters, and the managers, and they screw her too. they then bundle her into a taxi and send her home.

the next nite, the woman comes back in and orders 10 bourbon and cokes.

one after another, she downs them, passes out, and falls off the stool.

the barman, unable to pass up the opportunity, takes her to the dunnys and screws her. he then gets the bouncers, the waiters, and the managers, and they screw her too. they then bundle her into a taxi and send her home.

the next nite, the woman comes back in and orders 10 vodka and oranges.

the barman says "hang on, i thought u drank bourbon and coke?"

she replies "yea, i did, but it makes my pussy sore!"

[one fast tl1ooo]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

[Swoop]

Why do blokes refer to getting their cock sucked as a blowjob?

Because women will always do the exact opposite of what you tell them.




So it turns out the G7 has wiped Haiti's debt.

I can't be the only one who's thinking 'insurance scam' ...

[crazyhorse]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the
Boy asks,
'What are these, Dad?'
To which the man matter-of-factly replies,
'Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex.''
Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks,
'Why are there 3 in this package?'
The dad replies,
'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.
'Cool' says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks,
'Then who are these for?'
Those are for college men,' the dad answers,
'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy,
'then who uses THESE?'
he asks, picking up a 12 Pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........'

[crazyhorse]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

[crazyhorse]

The Maori alphabet....
acc, dpb, kfc, and db, tab, dic, winz.....
now I know my abc I want to claim the whole country

[Laava]

A man and his wife go on a second honeymoon to the same hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f<ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "I was thinking, it looks as if I did a pretty good job."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50



Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor’s Office
There’s nothing worse than a snotty doctor’s receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 61 year old man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said,
- "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

- "There’s something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said,

- "You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that."

- "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied,
- "You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this roomful of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied,
- "Well you shouldn’t ask people things in a room full of others if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,
- "Yes?"

- "There’s something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

- "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

- "I can’t piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor’s office erupted in laughter.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me ?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ode to the Spell Checker!

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marcs four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.
__________________
FARM KID in the ARMY

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice.

[crazyhorse]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk...

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."

[crazyhorse]

A businessman met this beautiful girl, and agreed to spend the night,
with her, for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left,
he told her that he did not have any cash with him,
but he'd have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her,
calling the payment 'RENT for APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done,
realizing that the whole event hadn't been worth the price.
So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250,
and enclose the following typed note:

'Dear Madam :-

Enclosed find a cheque for $250 ...
for rent of your apartment.I am not sending
the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place,
I was under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel at home.

However, I found out that:

#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'

Upon receipt of the note
the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250,
with the following note:

'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.

So, Please send the rent in full, or ..
we'll be forced to contact your present Landlady.’

[crazyhorse]

[yeah, I know its not Friday!]
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts..
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'whoops' and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her and he's good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price ."

[crazyhorse]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war
determine who is Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find
him in Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes
in Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Person who deletes this has no
humor!!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Now send it to 1
Or more people.
Nothing will
Happen but 1 or more people laughing

[one fast tl1ooo]

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

[Swoop]

Redhead Oral Sex - it's ginger lickin' wood!

[Stirts]

Guy in bar buys a pint then takes a photo from his top pocket, looks at it then puts it back...
He does this every time he has a pint...
After the 8th pint the barman asks.. "why do you do that"???
he replies "Its a photo of the wife, when she looks good enough to fuck I'll go home.

[crazyhorse]

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?'' "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband? The Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said "no" to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said "no" to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said "yes," you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said "yes" to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,

All Us Women

[one fast tl1ooo]

Thank God It's Friday


A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday

[crazyhorse]

Fred and Larry got married in California ..
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'

[crazyhorse]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'

The blonde said, 'No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'

The milkman nodded understandingly, and asked, 'Oh, okay... So do you want it pasteurized?'

(YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS.... )

The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes.'

[mashman]

Three guys, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter.

"What's it to be?" asks the beautiful barmaid.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", says the Englishman.

Up steps the Irishman. "Th th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi pints of of of of gui gui gui gui."

Up steps the Scotsman. "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th."

"Oh bugger this" say's the beautiful barmaid and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi," says the Englisman.

"Th th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi pints of of of of gui gui gui gui," says the Irishman.

"Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th," says the Scotsman.

"Look" says the beautiful barmaid rather irately. "If any one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering then I'll let you shag me", of course quiet confident that no one will win.

"So," she says turning to the Englishman, "where do you live?"

"M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch", he stammers.

"No, you lose" says the beautiful barmaid. Turning to the Scotsman, "Where do you live?" she asks.

"E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin", is all he can force out.

"No, you lose," says the beautiful landlady. "And where do you live?" she asks the Irishman.

"London," says the Irishman.

"Oh bugger" says the beautiful barmaid. A great cheer goes up in the pub but the beautiful barmaid agrees to meet her side of the bargain. She reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs.

Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, and then hops into bed.

The Irishman climbs on and goes for glory, and then, right at the climaxing stroke he suddenly screams out ".................D D D D D Derry!!"

[Swoop]

A german tourist walks into a deep south McDonald's and orders a Big Mac and a beer.
A redneck with his gut hanging past his belt laughs and says "Stupid fucking Kraut, you can't buy beer at McDonalds".
The german turns around with a puzzled look on his face, then bursts out laughing.
"Whats so fuckin funny you Nazi Bastard?"

I just realised you Americans only come here for the food!

[MSTRS]

McDonalds don't serve 'food'...do they?

[Scorp]

Man walks into a pub with a carrier bag in his hand. Sits down at the bar and orders a beer. While the barman is pouring the beer the customer takes a little piano out of the bag and places it on the counter. He then reaches back into the bag and takes out a little man about one foot tall. The little guy sits down at the piano and starts to play.

The barman's jaw drops. He's so amazed that he offers the guy a free drink. The customer is into his beer when the barman says: "Look, I've gotta know how you found this little guy. What's the story?"

"Well," says the customer. "I was digging in the garden one day when I dug up this lamp." The customer leans down and takes the lamp out of the bag. "You probably know the deal... I rubbed the lamp and out came this genie..."

The barman cuts him off and says: "Aw man, can I have go?"

"Sure," says the customer. "But make sure you speak clearly."

The barman grabs the lamp, rubs it on his sleeve and says: "I wish for a million bucks!"

There's a flash of smoke and bang! Suddenly the bar is full of ducks.

"Ducks!" says the barman. "Is this genie fucking deaf or something?"

The customer looks at the ducks, looks at the foot-tall piano playing guy, shakes his head sadly, and says to the barman: "C'mon dude. You don't really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist do you?"

[crazyhorse]

Two blondes sitting in a bar. An attractive man walks in with bad dandruff.

First blonde says "he needs head and shoulders"

Second blonde asks "how do you give shoulders?" :rofl:

[crazyhorse]

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.


He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation,

'Has anybody got a cock?'

All the men stood up.



'No, no', he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock?'



All the women stood up.


'No, no,'
He said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'


Half the women stood up.


'No, no,'
he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.


Has anybody seen
MY cock?'

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.

[Swoop]

A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.
Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:




"FREEZE,
MUTHAFUCKA!!"


I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit.

[crazyhorse]

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT:

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!' :shutup:

[kevfromcoro]

Easter Joke..............................

What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole.??

A hot cross bunny...............

[crazyhorse]

A woman walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes," she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault."
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road," she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man
jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then
he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me."
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he
had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one over each leg."
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman," said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the woman, "He was an New Zealand Cricketer."
"That's very observant," said the Sergeant. "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No," she replied, "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long.

[Swoop]

A SHORT STORY

An Arabic family was considering placing grandfather Abdullah into a nursing home. However, all the Arabic nursing homes were full, so they had to put him in an Australian home. After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to visit grandpa Abdullah.
"How do you like it here" asks the grandson.
"It's Great! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful says grandpa..."
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little bit different from the other residents..."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how respectful they are treating their residents" says Abdullah with a big smile
"There's a musician in here. He's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'The Maestro'.
There is a judge in here. He's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'
There's also a dentist here - 90 years old - and he hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'The Doctor'
As for me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Arab'.

[crazyhorse]

Why I fired my Secretary.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'
I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ......
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there.... On the couch... Naked.

[Swoop]

The other day I came home early from work to find my wife spread out on our bed vigorously awaiting my sexual advances.

The poor girl was so horny for me she never even realised my mate Colin was under the bed looking for a DVD he lent me.

[crazyhorse]

So? An abstract noun is something you can think of, but not touch............

Can anyone give me two examples?

Little Johnny puts up his hand and says "your tits!"

[Stirts]

A Girl was in her bed when she hears TITS AND BOOBS! TITS AND BOOBS! so she gets scared and runs into her parents room and asked to sleep with them.

Then she asked what tits and boobs are.

Her mom replys, "coats and hats dear."

The next day they are having company over and her farther is in the bathroom shaving. He cuts himself and yells, "SHIT!!!"

The girl asked "what does that mean?" and he replys, "shaving cream dear."

Her mother is downstairs cooking a turkey. She burns the turkey and yells, "FUCK!!!"

The girl asks her, "what does that mean?" and she says "cutting the turkey dear."

Then the guests arrive and the girl goes and answers the door and says, "Hi my parents are busy rite now. You can put your tits and boobs on the coat hanger. My dads putting shit on his face and my moms fucking the turkey."

[YellowDog]

I've caught a stray parrot in my garden.

All he says is good morning you ugly cunt!

It's not yours is it?

[crazyhorse]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"




(You'll love this)





God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."

[Stirts]

PERSONAL AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me In Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you .... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

[crazyhorse]

<img src=" http://emailfromgrandma.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/oops-blonde-moment.gif" width ="300" />

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says,

"Mummy mummy Aunty Shona is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

[sosman]

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and
during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not
know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to
do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You
must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then
gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for
what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and
screamed, "What the fuck you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees."

[sosman]

I was making a breakfast of fried eggs for my husband. Suddenly, my husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' I just stared at him...'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' And he calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving..."

[sosman]

Two Australian businessmen in Sydney
were sitting down for a break, In their soon-to be, new
store.. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I
bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by,
put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out
of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Kiwi walked to the
window, had a peek, and in a Kiwi accent asked 'What are you
selling here?'
One of the men replied sarcastically,
'We're selling arse-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the
Kiwi said, 'You are doing well .. Only two left!'
Australians...God bless them - should not mess with New
Zealanders

[<G>]

Dear Tequila

We had a deal. You were supposed to make me sexier, smarter and a better dancer. But I saw the video, and I think we need to talk.

[kevfromcoro]

The Ferari F1 team have taken advantage of the work for the dole shceme for young Abos.
After seeing a recent documentury. they discovered that they could remove a set of car wheels in 6 secs. when it takes ferari 8 secs with a million bucks worrth of high tech gear.
They put them on a trial period.
During the 1st practice sesion,, not only where they able to change the cars tyres. in under 6 secs
but in under 20 secs. they had resprayed it.rebadged it.. and sold to McLaren.for 2 boxes of lion red. 6 bottles of wine. and a box of KFC.......................

[Swoop]

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.


Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.


After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

[crazyhorse]

THE BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over,looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and
I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad

but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy,
your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up,

takes the drunk by the shoulders

looks him square in the eyes and says....................

'Grandpa;.......... Go home!'

[one fast tl1ooo]

Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

[one fast tl1ooo]

Farting All The Time
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."


http://www.oldfartcartoons.com/images/cartoon.jpg

[Swoop]

With the Polish president and leader of the security forces dead...

I bet Germany are thinking.. Well we could, just for old times sake!

[crazyhorse]

Oh To Be 12 Again...


A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's.

What a fabulousadventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

[Swoop]

Why is it that if you refer to Rhodesia, hippy types will correct you in a condescending tone "it's called Zimbabwe now, stop being so ignorant". But if these hippies refer to Tibet and you say "it's called China now, stop being so ignorant", they get really offended?

[YellowDog]

Frank came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Frank , 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter ....'

Frank was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. .. ..... You've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Frank was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Frank, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster.. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Frank ..

'Well just relax and let it happen'..

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him .. . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

' Frank, wake up, you drunken bastard.

You've shit the bed !!'

[Swoop]

Did you hear about the dyslexic druggie?

He thought he was getting LSD but ended up with quicker broadband.

[crazyhorse]

GOLFER'S HONEYMOON

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball from a wayward

drive right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage,

he takes himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and

my fiancée is still a virgin - 'in every way'.


The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let

it heal and keep it straight. But it should be okay by the end of

next week but leave it splinted as long as you can.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided

splint, and taped it all together; - an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on

their honeymoon.

On their 1st wedding night in the motel room, she rips open her

blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.

She says, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these before.'

He immediately drops his pants and replies, ...'Look at this then, ......

it's still in the CRATE!'

[YellowDog]

Oh To Be 12 Again...


A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's.

What a fabulousadventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

I do like that one. Out of bling again :no:

[Swoop]

My mother in-law recently returned from a holiday in Europe. It seems that volcanic ash has little affect on the air travel of a broom.

[Swoop]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back
- wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I
was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...Twenty two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[crazyhorse]

Man was shagging his wife, says bend over babe, we'll try the WINZ position.

What the hells that! she asked

When my balls touch your arse, you're getting THE FULL BENEFIT

[one fast tl1ooo]

Please Pass The Mayo
A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"

"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"

"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

[YellowDog]

*The Polite Way to Pee!*

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.'

'What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the Bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'

'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

[nothingflash]

Man was shagging his wife, says bend over babe, we'll try the WINZ position.

What the hells that! she asked

When my balls touch your arse, you're getting THE FULL BENEFIT

Then there's the "rodeo" position... while taking your lady from behind, reach around and grab a tit, whisper in her ear that it feels just like her sister's and see how long you can hold on for.

[nothingflash]

A priest is teaching a young altar boy how to wank. Teh kid says - "fuck, this is awesome". Teh priest says "wait until you're a little older and you can start using your cock."

[crazyhorse]

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Provo, Utah would-be robber Jason Ellison did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped... Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5.. A teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas.. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a South Carolina convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on an Atlanta street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family.....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

[Swoop]

What's black and works?
Gordon Brown's microphone.


What's gold and won't work next week?
Gordon Brown's front door key.


How many bigots does it take to change a lightbulb?
No idea, she's too busy changing the outcome of the election.

[crazyhorse]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Spazman727]

Whats black hairy and hangs from the ceiling in the dark?

A Scottish electrician.

[PZR]

Why do you wrap tape around the stomach of guinea pigs






So they don't burst when you fuck them.

[PZR]

A blonde is driving in the country and sees another blonde rowing a wooden row boat in the middle of a hay paddock
Enraged she screeches to a halt, jumps out of her car and races over to the fence.
Leaning over the barbed wire she shouts at the blond in the dingy
" Its blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name, and if I could swim I'd come out there and smack you one!"

[PZR]

Why dont women need watches?


There is always a clock on the stove.







Why do women get married in white?



All household appliances are white.

[crazyhorse]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland ..'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going'?

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'

[Swoop]

I can't see an end.
I have no control and I don't think there's any escape - I don't even have a home anymore.

Definitely time for a new keyboard.

[crazyhorse]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but.......
your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it.."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation
coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great,
but they don't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want.
But, this is something you should discuss with your wife.
If you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now, she might be a bit put out.
On the other hand, if you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite kitchen tops.

[one fast tl1ooo]

A Blonde Finally Wins


A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Blonde Interpreter


Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.

As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.

[crazyhorse]

Me and the missus had a fight earlier and I ended upp hitting her

Half an hour later we had the best makeup sex ever. Well, I did, she's still unconscious

[Swoop]

I was shocked and disappointed to learn that my son has been experimenting with drugs.

I honestly don't care what pH it is, cocaine is far too expensive to waste on litmus paper.

[crazyhorse]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

[Swoop]

What's a Grecian Urn ?

Considerably less than he used to.

[slofox]

OK so it's Tuesday. So sue me already...

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why
Do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh..'
Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?

[Swoop]

*Topical for the moment...*



Knock knock ......

Who's there ? ......

David ......

David Who ? ......

Gordon, open the fucking door and get out of my house!

[crazyhorse]

A farmer from Cornwell has successfully grown a field of vibrators. Unfortuntely he now has a problem with squatters :rofl:

[firefighter]

Ok, this is stolen from another thread, but I think i've watched it about 10 times.......and it should definitely be in here!

http://www.filmarchive.org.nz/sellebration/view.php?id=163

[crazyhorse]

An Indian meets an Arab and says "I've got 10 kids. 1 more and I will have a cricket team"

The Arab says "I've got 17 wives and 1 more and I will have my own private golf course"

[crazyhorse]

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk says, "Tits".

[crazyhorse]

While walking through the Park in Pukekohe (or Manurewa) , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other bloke replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

'No, would you like to give it a try?'

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked,
'What the heck happened to you?'

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'

[Swoop]

Same Sex marriage.

Fred and Larry got married in California . They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet. She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.' Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?' She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?' His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'

[one fast tl1ooo]

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[one fast tl1ooo]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!'

....and she's always sound asleep.

[Swoop]

My kids want a dog, but I've refused to get them a Labrador.

It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind.

[one fast tl1ooo]

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.

A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting
drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm...

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....

[crazyhorse]

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming
from the bedroom.



She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.


'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's
dialing, her four-year-old son comes up

And says, "Mummy Mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the
wardrobe & she has no clothes on"


The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..

Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

[Leviticus]

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a
Plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing.
''This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.''
''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully.
''He's a martyr now though'' mum confides.
''Oh, so sad dear'' says the other.


''And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21''
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily,''he had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too,'' says mum quietly.
''Oh, gracious me ...'' says the other.


''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18,'' she whispers.
''Yes'' says the friend enthusiastically,''I remember when he first started school''.
''He's a martyr, also,'' says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says....''They blow up so fast, don't they?''

[YellowDog]

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[Swoop]

I was watching a porno and this girl managed to gag on the bloke's cock for up to five minutes at a time. Amazed by such a performance, I tried this with my wife and ended up killing her.


Turns out that I just have a slow internet connection.

[Reckless]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home
drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk,
just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and
swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I
swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[crazyhorse]

In a recent survey into blow jobs and why men like them so much:

6% liked the feeling
12% liked the excitement
and 82% just liked the fuckin silence :lol:

[Stirts]

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter,something or other...."

[crazyhorse]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

[Swoop]

I can't believe it. I'm devastated. This is going to be a disaster for everybody. My wife has got the dreaded C word.














Yes. She's got a car.

[Genie]

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order..."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, "I've been diagnosed with AIDS ."
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"
"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."




THOUGHT FOR THE DAY....
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected

[one fast tl1ooo]

A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on.

The woman reporter shouted out "This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, "I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!" The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!".

So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said "I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin', i knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff."

And the blonde says "Well, i did too! But i never would have thought that the man would do it again!"

[crazyhorse]

Why don't blind men skydive?

Cause it scares the hell out of the dog :yes:

[crazyhorse]

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse started with certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.

It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 4," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2"

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here
I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.

What a bitch

[one fast tl1ooo]

NO SEX SINCE 1955






A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"



"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are! No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!”
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."







The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not ma'am; it's only 2132 now."

[crazyhorse]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

[crazyhorse]

Supermarket...


Yesterday I was at my local Supermarket buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when, unbelievably, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost about 5 kilo before I woke up in the Intensive Care Unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setters arse and a car hit us both.

I really thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack because he was laughing so hard.

So I'm now banned from that particular Supermarket. But you better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?


16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while
they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

22. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make
the Tennessee Titans?

23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one
enjoys it?


24. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when
you send it by sea it is called cargo?

25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365
days a year, why are there locks on the door?

[crazyhorse]

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.


The little bastards.

[crazyhorse]

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob..'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.
'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.......




BOB, wake up...... You shit the bed!' :shit::shit::shit:

[one fast tl1ooo]

Before and After You Fall In Love



BEFORE - You take my breath away
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating

BEFORE - Twice a night
AFTER - Twice a month

BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac

BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever
AFTER - Monday Night Football

BEFORE - Don't stop
AFTER - Don't start

BEFORE - Is that all you're having?
AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey

BEFORE - It's like I'm living in a dream
AFTER - It's like he lives in a dorm

BEFORE - $60/doz.
AFTER - $1.50/stem

BEFORE - Turbocharged
AFTER - Jumpstart

BEFORE - We agree on everything
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE - Victoria's Secret
AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom

BEFORE - Charming and Noble
AFTER - Chernobyl

BEFORE - Feathers and handcuffs
AFTER - Ball and chain

BEFORE - Idol
AFTER - Idle

BEFORE - I love a woman with curves
AFTER - I never said you were fat

BEFORE - He's completely lost without me
AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

BEFORE - Time stood still
AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere

BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino
AFTER - Bagel and instant

BEFORE - You look so seductive in black
AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing

BEFORE - Oysters
AFTER - Fishsticks

BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you

BEFORE - Passion
AFTER - Ration

BEFORE - Once upon a time
AFTER - The end

[nadroj]

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Eddy what is your problem?" Eddy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough.

She took Eddy to the principal's office.

While Eddy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Eddy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Eddy: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Eddy: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Eddy can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Eddy both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Eddy, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Eddy replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Eddy: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Eddy: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Eddy was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Eddy: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Eddy: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Eddy: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Eddy: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Eddy: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Eddy: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Eddy: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Eddy: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Eddy in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."

[one fast tl1ooo]

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full-length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks.

The husband shrugs. "It worked for your ass, didn't it?"

[crazyhorse]

What are the 6 standard penis sizes?

1. small
2. medium
3. large
4. Oh my GOD!
5. HOLY FUCK!
6. Excuse me! Is that available in white?????

[Swoop]

For anyone who missed the Eurovision song contest, here's what songs were played:

France- Runaway
Iceland- Ashes to ashes
Greece- Money
Germany- Rule the world
Portugal- I want my baby back
Israel- Disco inferno
U.K.- The Polish national anthem

[one fast tl1ooo]

http://www.bekhsoos.com/web/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/Women-Dictionary.png

http://bennyhong.com/journal/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/tumblr_l007nmRcjJ1qb13xjo1_500.jpg

[one fast tl1ooo]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

[Swoop]

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead and thought "Is he on standby?":scratch:

[Swoop]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day, to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Immigration Offices in Manukau.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in New Zealand with your wife and seven children.'

The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Pakistani where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Auckland with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all over here.'

PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling inground pool and a V8 Holden, full of his nephews playing their music.

'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

I want to be a Kiwi! With Kiwi clothes instead of rags, and a baseball cap instead of this shawl and I want to have white skin like the Pakeha.'

PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from The Warehouse, a dirty Nike T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’'s my Visa Gold Card?'


The fairy said:
'Tough luck. Now that you are Pakeha, you're entitled to sweet f**k all like the rest of us.'

Then she disappeared..........

[slofox]

Offensive jokes from one of my email contacts...please note I do not necessarily condone every attitude contained herein. They still made me laugh though...

I've just come out of the chippy with a meat and potato pie, large chips,
mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've
not eaten for two days'. I told him 'I wish I had your fucking will power'


A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said 'Sorry about
the wait'. I replied 'Don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it eventually'


One of life's great mysteries - How is it that a woman can fit an
eight-inch vibrator into her half inch snatch IN THE DARK, but can't fit
an eight-foot car into a fifteen-foot parking space IN BROAD F*CKING
DAYLIGHT.?


Snow he! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I
thought to myself 'She'll be fucking lucky with a face like that!'


I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how
gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I
always end up in bed with them ... Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love,
could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to
you?'


Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away'. But
since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich
works a treat!


My girlfriend says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a career
and a family. She's obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her knees
while having a wank.


When I put my Christmas lights up this year I wasn't sure whether or not it
would offend my Muslim neighbours. So just to be on the safe side I painted
'Allah is a c*nt' on my garage door.

[nothingflash]

This morning my wife rolls over and asks me what I'm doing today.
"Nothing" I said
She said, "But you did nothing yesterday"
"I know" I said, "I'm not finished yet"

[crazyhorse]

I was in a clothes shop today and I saw a nigger choosing a polyester shirt..... I thought, that's weird, they usually pick cotton......................

[crazyhorse]

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are Right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

[slofox]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb..

(Now that's more like it !)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)





A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig..)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)




(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?)





The flea can jump 350 times its body length.. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)




The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing)



A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain..

(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

[one fast tl1ooo]

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.



Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I play golf on Fridays.

[one fast tl1ooo]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE


(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are Right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.



* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

[Swoop]

Apparently theres a new drinking game in Cumbria... You win if you can survive 12 shots!



12 dead, 25 injured. This is what happens when you let a bird get behind the wheel.

[Jonathan]

Apparently theres a new drinking game in Cumbria... You win if you can survive 12 shots!



12 dead, 25 injured. This is what happens when you let a bird get behind the wheel.

Oh no! Too soon!

[Swoop]

Oh no! Too soon!
Oh dear...


Well, that's the last time I get in a Cumbrian taxi and 'call shotgun'.



Mark Austin on ITN; "What drove Derrick Bird to murder 12 people?"

It was a Citroen Picasso, you told the viewers earlier, you daft cunt.



You gotta feel sorry for the crossbow cannibal. A Ph.D. in mass killings, but only one week in the news and he's out done by a fucking taxi driver.




In other news:

The government was pleased to announce unemployment figures fell by 12 today.

[Stirts]

you made me wee my pants Mr Swoop


The weathers been good today, although I hear in Cumbria its minus 12.



Apparently Derrick Bird was a nobody when he started his taxi driving career....
.....but recently he's shot up the ranks.


i've heard the quickest way to scotland is up the m6 and shoot through Cumbria.

[crazyhorse]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
“that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[crazyhorse]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

[Jonathan]

Apparently Derrick Bird was a nobody when he started his taxi driving career....
.....but recently he's shot up the ranks.

He must be making a name for himself in golf too. I heard last week he started well with a birdie on the 1st and finished 12-under!

[crazyhorse]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.



She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.



Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under

her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.?

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds!'

[one fast tl1ooo]

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"

"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

[crazyhorse]

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment building to work on his tan.

Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep and his ...., was sun burnt.

Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot blonde, so he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.

The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast.

After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt.

After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain, so he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk.

He experienced immediate relief....

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk....

With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed,

" SO, THAT'S HOW YOU RELOAD THOSE THINGS" :rofl:

[Reckless]

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says..........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon . every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush...."



SO SORRY I know there is something wrong with me for sending you this. Just couldnt help it!
The little voices made me do it !!! And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you - I know you did!

[crazyhorse]

Woman in taxi lifts her skirt and says to driver "can i pay you with this?"

The cabbie looks at her pussy and says "fuck me luv, haven't you got anything smaller?"

[one fast tl1ooo]

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking along the beach. Suddenly, Justin says, "Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie."

Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"

[Swoop]

Piracy is killing the music industry.

You try playing the guitar with a hook!

[Stirts]

Two women are chatting in the office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?


Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!


At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?


Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

[Swoop]

A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all of your keys at once.

[one fast tl1ooo]

If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong
(Sometimes known as the 4th law of Thermodynamics).

I have traced Murphy's law back to a Captain Edward A. Murphy, an American engineer at Muroc, California (later named Edwards Air Force Base). In 1949 he was working on a project to test the effects of sudden braking. Time after time his machinery failed, exasperated he said of his technician, 'If there is any way to do it wrong, he'll find it.' John Paul Stapp picked up on Murphy's phrase and used at a press conference.

As with any good idea, Murphy's Law can be adapted and extended.

1st Amendment
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

2nd Amendment
If you realize that there are three possible ways in which something can go wrong, and cover them all, then a fourth, unprepared for way, will miraculously appear out of thin air.

3rd Amendment
When something breaks, the parts damaged are in direct proportion to their value.

4th Amendment
The failure does not appear until the machinery has passed its final inspection.

5th Amendment
When you drop a part, it always rolls into the darkest corner.

Last Amendment to Murphy's law
Any attempt to print out this copy of Murphy's law will crash the computer.

[crazyhorse]

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel

the madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.

These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'

the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says,

'you know, i think my girl was dead!'

'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'

'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.' his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'

'a witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?'

'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... Took my teeth with her!'

[one fast tl1ooo]

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment building to work on his tan.

Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep and his , was sun burnt.

Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot blonde, so he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.

The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast.

After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt.

After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain, so he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk.

He experienced immediate relief....

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk....

With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed,

" SO, THAT'S HOW YOU RELOAD THOSE THINGS"

[crazyhorse]

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment building to work on his tan.

Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep and his , was sun burnt.

Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot blonde, so he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.

The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast.

After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt.

After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain, so he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk.

He experienced immediate relief....

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk....

With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed,

" SO, THAT'S HOW YOU RELOAD THOSE THINGS"

repost - and on the same page :lol:

[one fast tl1ooo]

repost - and on the same page :lol:

OOopps my bad.. :rofl:

[crazyhorse]

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he found a cat , but it was dead.

"how did you know the cat was dead?" she asked him

"Cause I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" answered the child innocently

"you did WHAT!!!!" exclaimed the teacher in surprise

"you know," explained the boy "I leaned over and went 'Psssssst!' and it didn't move

[Swoop]

Now, for some football jokes...



England v USA - Kick off 19:30.

USA will turn up at 19:41 and then claim victory.

[Stirts]

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and good with the kids.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

[Swoop]

My wife barely notices the racket all those vuvuzelas make throughout the World Cup matches.

She's used to hearing a tirade of horns every time she pulls out at a fucking roundabout.

[slofox]

THE LOVING HUSBAND

A man had two of the best tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes
along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the
World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the football world and not use it?"

He says, "Well actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she
passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to, together, since we got married."

"Oh . . . I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend
or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head . . .

... . . "No. They're all at the funeral."

[crazyhorse]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him.........

[BoristheBiter]

Now, for some football jokes...



England v USA - Kick off 19:30.

USA will turn up at 19:41 and then claim victory.


Funny you should say that.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3013091/USA-beats-England-1-1.html?OTC-RSS&ATTR=News

[Swoop]

People wonder why ships are referred to as "she" when the answer's obvious. As soon as they come in to port they head for the buoys, they often reach astonishing weights and density, they make one hell of a noise, a fortune is spent trying to make them look pretty and, without a man at the helm, they become an unpredictable death trap.



My wife called me an annoying cunt the other day.

I almost choked on my vuvuzela.

[crazyhorse]

THE PEARLY GATES!!

40 Aboriginals arrive at the Pearly Gates

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying 'I've got 40 Aboriginals here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over the quota on Abo’s. Go back to the gates and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again 'They're gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the fuckin' gates'.

[Swoop]

A Real Man

A real man is a woman's best friend.

He will never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.


No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.
Never mind.

[crazyhorse]

FINALLY, THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a Good year.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take
your house and car with them

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

AND:

Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT?
A : Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

[_Shrek_]

:whistle:


Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
*****************

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
****************

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
***************

Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
***************



An elderly couple is attending Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[one fast tl1ooo]

A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York City to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked dish.

During the course of the afternoon, the two became extremely friendly. About 6:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.

"That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone. "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8 p.m.. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time?"

[crazyhorse]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, anda half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper, and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,

'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

[one fast tl1ooo]

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

[crazyhorse]

A squirrel that runs up woman's leg do not find nuts.

When I was born, I got a choice- A big dick or a good memory. I am not able to remember, what did I choose.

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

My wife is a sex object. Evertime I ask for sex, she objects.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't and stop, unless they are
used together.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

There are three stages to sex in a person's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

Virginity can be cured.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? .

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and She was happy with the
Thing......

Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

Teacher: Use "harassment" in a sentence.
Johnny: Her mouth said 'no', but her ass meant 'yes'.

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Of course you've heard about the Viagra computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard
disk.

Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives !!!.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Swoop]

This World Cup is working out like WW2 - France have forfeited, the USA turned up late, and England are left to fight the Germans!

[Stirts]

God and The Devil were each having a holiday in hyper-space. The topic of conversation turned to who could turn out the best football team. Much to God's surprise The Devil proposed a football match to settle their dispute.

As God was leaving he said to The Devil, 'Don't you realise that all the 'good' players go to heaven?"

The Devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!"

[Swoop]

The Swiss, What great roll models!

[one fast tl1ooo]

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

[Stirts]

Stupid, immature idiots on Facebook constantly hassling me to 'help them with their crops' or 'find a lost lamb' on shitty Farmville.

Do me a favour and get a life.

I'm in the middle of a mafia war here... Twats.

[Her_C4]

Stupid, immature idiots on Facebook constantly hassling me to 'help them with their crops' or 'find a lost lamb' on shitty Farmville.

Do me a favour and get a life.

I'm in the middle of a mafia war here... Twats.

ha ha ha - Brilliant :) I hear ya'!!

[nothingflash]

Whats the one good thing about paedophiles? At least they drive slowly past schools

[one fast tl1ooo]

Dead Pussy
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

[crazyhorse]

A senior citizens group charters an overnight gambling casino bus trip from Coffs Harbour to the Sunshine Coast

As they enter Queensland , an elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.

When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.

'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!'

[one fast tl1ooo]

A Texas rancher passed away leaving everything to his lovely young wife.

Needing help with the ranch she decided to advertise for a ranch hand. Only two men applied. One was gay and the other was a drunk and known to be very lazy. She thought about it and hired the gay guy thinking that he would be safer to have around.

Her selection proved to be a very hard worker who put in long hours and knew a great deal about ranching.
To reward his good work she let him have some time off to go into town for some fun.

Late that night he returned to the ranch house. Halfway to his room he saw the woman standing next to the fireplace with a glass of wine in her hand. She called him over.
She then told him to 'come closer' as she put her wine glass down.

Then she said: 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off!'
While trembling, he complied with her request and took the blouse off.

'Now take my boots off,' she said.
'Now my socks.' The hired hand again complied but was getting more and more embarrassed.

'Now take off my skirt.' He did as told and unzipped and removed the skirt.
'Now take off my bra.' And, again he did as he was told.

'Now take off my panties.' He slowly pulled them down and threw them on the floor with the rest of the clothes.
She fixed him with a very determined look and said: 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again then I'll fired you!'

[<G>]

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.
A human hair can hold 3kg.
The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.
The femur is as hard as concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
Women blink twice as much as men.
We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.

The woman has read this entire text.
The man is still looking at his thumb!

[slofox]

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.
A human hair can hold 3kg.
The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.
The femur is as hard as concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
Women blink twice as much as men.
We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.

The woman has read this entire text.
The man is still looking at his thumb!


Hmmmmm...my thumb is four inches long...

[crazyhorse]

Three little ducks go into a Bar...............................



'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'

'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.


'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.

'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'


'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.

'My name is Puddles..'

[one fast tl1ooo]

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a
rich Chinese Businessman and an
Australian were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers
in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those
guys? We must have been waiting
for fifteen bloody minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'My goodness gracious I don'tknow, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, move it, time is money!'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes
George the green keeper. Let's
have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic
Priest, 'What's wrong with that
group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the green keeper replied, 'Oh,
yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad.
I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight!'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm
going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them!'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the
fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls!'

The Aussie said, 'Why the fuck can't they play at night?'

[crazyhorse]

Paddy tells Mick
He's thinking of buying a labrador.

Fook off say's Mick,
have you seen how many of their owners go blind.

[crazyhorse]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 O clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that t he president's testicles were square

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

[crazyhorse]

With time,
women gain weight
because we accumulate
so much information
and wisdom in our heads
that, when there is no more room,
it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.

So we aren't heavy,
we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.

Beginning today,
when I look at my butt in the mirror,
I will think,
Good grief, look how smart I am!



Must be where the saying
'Smart Ass'
came from!

[one fast tl1ooo]

Working For the Council


A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm....but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that."

[shafty]

Best Scottish pick up line ever;



A Scotsman walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'Naw naw love', he replies, I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I
was just testing it..'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?

''What's so special about it?'

The Scotsman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers.'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing
knickers!'

The Scotsman taps his watch " Och, bloody thing - it's an hour fast"

[crazyhorse]

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'..
The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:

'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal - 'we have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'

Without flinching, she smiled and said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'

[one fast tl1ooo]

Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[crazyhorse]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned..... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard

[Bald Eagle]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned..... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard

More likely was a Pebkac error, which translates to Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair

[crazyhorse]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him..

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."

[one fast tl1ooo]

Keep on Singing?
George, Jack and Simon were at a conference together in Chicago and they were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper. After a long day of meetings they were upset to hear that the lifts in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

George said to Jack and Simon, let's break the boredom of this horrendous climb by concentrating on something more interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jack can sing songs for 25 flights, and Simon can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor George stopped telling jokes and Jack began to sing. At the 51st floor Jack stopped singing and Simon began to tell sad stories.

'I will tell my saddest story first,' he muttered gloomily, 'I left our room key in the car.'