Friday jokes [Archive] - Page 12

ellipsis

28th February 2014, 13:12

A guy goes hunting. A gust of wind blew. The gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor.
"She's a flute player in the NZ Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.."

Swoop

28th February 2014, 14:15

A stunning blonde, dressed in nothing more than a thong and negligee, let the plumber in.

"Hello, is your husband in?" He asked,

"Does it look like he is in?" She replied opening her negligee, "will I not do?"

"No, not really," he said, "I need your car reversed out of the drive."

nadroj

1st March 2014, 15:35

I farted & followed through today, personally I thought it was fucking hilarious... My husband did'nt... Oh shut up u miserable twat I said... Like it's never happened to u before... He replied "not during a 69 luv no!"

Some people have no sense of fuckin humour "".. .

ZeroIndex

1st March 2014, 22:46

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/best-photos-55.jpg?w=500&h=1146

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/best-photos-59.jpg?w=500&h=689

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/best-photos-17.jpg?w=499&h=275

ZeroIndex

1st March 2014, 23:05

The intro is a bit long... skip to 1:48. Funny song, and damn... that guy's facial movements

http://youtu.be/JjWqL4_FS38?t=1m48s

husaberg

2nd March 2014, 08:34

10101010000011111000100001000010001001010101010101 010100000010001

HenryDorsetCase

2nd March 2014, 17:09

aw yup.

ten characters

husaberg

2nd March 2014, 17:45

999999999999999990000000000000000

nadroj

3rd March 2014, 06:29

A man was driving down a motorway with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up,
"I think those people in the car next to us are from another country"

"What makes you think that?" he said.

"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says

"stit ruoy su wohs"

Swoop

3rd March 2014, 09:55

anebv8

3rd March 2014, 17:57

"What's the problem?" the doctor asked.

I replied, "When I urinate, it smells of anything that I've eaten or drunk. For instance, if I eat Cocoa Pops it smells of Cocoa Pops or if I drink a chicken Cup-a-Soup, it smells of a chicken Cup-a-Soup.
What can I do to make my piss smell like piss, doctor?"

He replied "Have you tried drinking DB Draught?"

I noticed a typo so I fixed it for ya ;)

"What's the problem?" the doctor asked.

I replied, "When I urinate, it smells of anything that I've eaten or drunk. For instance, if I eat Cocoa Pops it smells of Cocoa Pops or if I drink a chicken Cup-a-Soup, it smells of a chicken Cup-a-Soup.
What can I do to make my piss smell like piss, doctor?"

He replied "Have you tried drinking Tui or Speights?"

Swoop

3rd March 2014, 18:45

I noticed a typo so I fixed it for ya

Nope. Correct first time.
Time to head back under your bridge.

Robbo

3rd March 2014, 19:21

Surprise Sex...

ZeroIndex

4th March 2014, 01:03

Guess what the rules are? :devil2:

http://i.imgur.com/VmEBBWs.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/lRIANQF.jpg

Swoop

4th March 2014, 07:49

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

ZeroIndex

4th March 2014, 11:33

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DkUWZeb-_2k

Virago

4th March 2014, 18:26

They're done it again...

http://hitthewoodline.com/satura/2014/3/3/france-surrenders-to-russia

Robbo

4th March 2014, 18:41

Something to offend everyone‏

Teacher asks Billy; "If you have five sweets and Mohammed asks for one, how
many will you have left?"
Billy; "Five"

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella...
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was
f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk"
Husband says " that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"

My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird.
I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.

After the tsunami a Geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in Japan
on the damaged nuclear plant.
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, " Newcastle "
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this place!"

Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long
relationship...
She replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off."

A man approaches a young good looking woman in a shop. he says" I can't find
my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue" he says" But whenever I talk to a beautiful woman with tits
like yours she appears out of nowhere!"

Following the recent Earthquake the Chinese government have thanked Britain
for the rescue dogs they sent out. They said they were delicious!

cc rider

4th March 2014, 23:16

https://m.ak.fbcdn.net/sphotos-a.ak/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1/549069_466350786799032_487086459_n.jpg

Swoop

5th March 2014, 10:02

Putin persecutes homosexuals in his own country, then goes and enters another country through the back door.
Very mixed messages from Russia.

I don't know why people in the US are so afraid of World War III. Even if Russia declared war tomorrow, we are still at least 3 years away from the states joining the war!

The scariest thing about this world war 3 starting is that we are on the Germans' side. They've never won a world war yet.

Banditbandit

6th March 2014, 10:30

A Police Officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window.
'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The cop asks: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing inappropriate is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The cop asks: 'And what's her age?'

The young man smiles, looks at his watch, and replies: 'She'll be 16 in 11 minutes.'

roogazza

6th March 2014, 11:06

294546294547294548

ellipsis

7th March 2014, 13:44

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In
fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and
without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. It should have read "wifi", not "wife".

__________________________________________________ ____

Akzle

7th March 2014, 14:08

ellipsis

7th March 2014, 14:26

ahh shit...beat me with a stick...I'll take my pants off...:bash:

Swoop

7th March 2014, 14:44

A man ...

Go back 7 posts before that one...

YellowDog

7th March 2014, 17:06

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,
"Come on sweetie, eat it all up or
I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still
not feeding, so she said,
"Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give
it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later,
the anxious man blurted out,

"Come on kid.
Make up your mind!
I was supposed to get off two stops ago!

roogazza

8th March 2014, 09:18

294607294608

ZeroIndex

8th March 2014, 11:35

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9D9g_VZZr4g

YellowDog

8th March 2014, 12:00

Daffyd

8th March 2014, 12:53

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

Robbo

8th March 2014, 14:29

An Idiot.......

husaberg

8th March 2014, 15:00

pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp

roogazza

8th March 2014, 17:40

294620294621294622

ZeroIndex

8th March 2014, 21:21

lol, came across this one and although I don't really care too much for fishing, it made me laugh anyway:

Why Fishing is Better Than Sex

When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.

You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

You can catch a fish on a 20-cent night crawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

cc rider

10th March 2014, 11:00

:finger:

Happy Akzle

You reposted it too ya dick :bleh:

Akzle

10th March 2014, 11:35

Because it's Friday in 4 days...

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

four.
Four fucking posts.

Shit should be illegal.

Juniper

10th March 2014, 22:19

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose begins to itch and you need to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt. screw, etc. when dropped rolls to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - When you key a wrong number, you will never get a busy signal and someone always answers; conversely, when someone calls you in error, you have to stop whatever your doing and clean off your hands before you pick-up the phone to hear whoever was calling hang-up.

5. Law of the Supermarket - As soon as you get in the shortest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6. Law of Variation - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you had been in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7. Law of the Bath or Shower - When your body is fully immersed or drenched in water, the phone will ring.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will work.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to one's reach.

11. Law of the Theatre - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beverage, or the toilet; and who leave early before the end of the performance is over. Those people in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies; and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. Law of Coffee - As soon as you sit down to drink a cup of hot coffee, your spouse will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced sandwich landing face down on a fabric surface are directly correlated to the cost, newness, and stain-ability of the surface.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. Happens often on Kiwi Biker.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, it will stop being made or stop being sold in the shops.

19. Doctor's Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor; however, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But if you don't make an appointment you'll stay sick, get worse and wind-up in the hospital.

20. Law of Not Sharing - If you don't share this, your belly button will unscrew and your ass will fall off.

Juniper

10th March 2014, 22:26

A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and
I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
The man replied, “My wife is going to poison me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”
The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s going to poison
me. What should I do?”
The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what
I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi calls the man.
He says, “I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my
advice?”
The man said, “Yes” and the Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”

Juniper

10th March 2014, 22:27

While watching Nigella's latest cookery programme, my wife moaned, "I'll never look as good as that."

"Don't be silly," I said. "With a bit of make up and camera trickery, you'd be identical."

"Really?" she asked, perking up. "I could look like Nigella?"

"Oh, sorry," I replied. "I thought you were talking about that potato."

cc rider

11th March 2014, 01:52

If already posted... Not really caring too much :bleh:
294739

Juniper

11th March 2014, 06:04

A guy decided that he wanted to be a black guy. So he goes to the doctor to find out what kind of surgeries need to be done. The doctor outlines a plan of skin darkening, penis extension, hair-curling, etc... Then, when all this is done, the most important part of the operation is to be done, cutting out half the guy's brain.

So, the guy goes for it, all the operations are done flawlessly until the brain surgery. During the brain surgery, an earthquake rocks the hospital and causes the surgeon's hand to slip. He accidently cuts out 3/4 of the brain instead of 1/2. The surgeon corrects the problem as much as he is able, but not much can be done to reattach the severed brain. So he closes him up and waits to see the results.

Later, the guy wakes up and the surgeon comes in to ask him questions. "Mr. Johnson, can you hear me?"

"Si."

Juniper

11th March 2014, 06:05

A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy are walking through the desert, and they come across a lamp. They rub the lamp, and a genie comes out. He'll give 'em each a wish. Black guy goes first. He wants his people healthy and happy, back in Africa. Genie does it. Mexican guy goes second. He wants his people healthy and happy, back in Mexico. Genie does it. White guy's turn. "So all the niggers and spics are out of the country?" he asks. "Yeah," says the genie. The white guy says, "Well, I guess I'll have a Coke."

Juniper

11th March 2014, 06:07

There's a Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani on a train.

The Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says 'there's plenty more of that where i come from'.

The others are impressed so the Cuban takes out one of the finest havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says 'there's plenty more of those where i come from'.

Again everyone is rather impressed so the Englishman stands up and throws the Pakistani off the train.....

Juniper

11th March 2014, 06:10

HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 20 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:

English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. I Love You

Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo

French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime

German . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich

Japanese . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu

Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo

Chinese. . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni

Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Älskar dig

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma,Texas Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, West Virginia, Mississippi and Kentucky...

Nice Tits

Juniper

11th March 2014, 06:11

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Pearly Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me." he said, opening the gate and walking in. After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.

Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost there."

After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his butt off.

"Why is it so d*** cold down here?" Peter asks.

The devil replied, "Well, ever since you sent that new guy down here, I'm afraid to bend over and pick up the firewood!"

Juniper

11th March 2014, 06:16

What is the difference between three big cocks and a joke?

Your momma can't take a joke...

oops.

avgas

11th March 2014, 08:16

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Applicant: "My honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I can't agree with that. I don't think honesty is necessarily a weakness at all."

Applicant : "I don't really give a shit what you think, you ugly fat cnut!"
True story....
recently I had a similar question posed to me from a recruiter whom really wasn't interested in putting me forward to a client. This on top of a very bad day I was having.

"What is your greatest weakness?"

"I'm not a huge fan of wasting my time, and it creates a short fuse on me"

"Do you think your wasting your time right now?"

"I came to get a job, as of yet I don't have a job, if I don't get a job through you than yes, yes I do think I am wasting my time"

"That's a very negative attitude"

"It is, but thankfully I am honest."

I didn't get the job. Should have told them I was a really good liar, and everything is rosy.

Reckless

11th March 2014, 21:45

Racist as hell but couldn't help laughing out loud :rolleyes:

294796

roogazza

12th March 2014, 07:32

Racist as hell but couldn't help laughing out loud :rolleyes:
294796
LOL not what I thought when I clicked on it(didn't eat it ?).
294801294802
Only got two today so here's a picture of my pussy (Max, Miss).
294803

Swoop

12th March 2014, 15:50

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY, "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS":

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price"

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort'. We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain there were too many Spanish people there.” “The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancé and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

BE AWARE .... THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE TOO!

gjm

12th March 2014, 19:01

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

"Do you mean a Martini?" asks the barman.

"If I wanted two I would ask for them," says the Roman.

YellowDog

12th March 2014, 19:42

A lesson on how consultants can make adifference in an organization.
Very Impressive!
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Mike's Place,'
and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket.

It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had
a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to
revamp all of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most
frequentlydropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back
to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.
'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an
extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging
from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me,
but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the
restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out
without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the
time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Juniper

13th March 2014, 07:23

An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral.

==========

Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Juniper

13th March 2014, 07:46

One day in the Garden of Eden Adam is just throwing around but God notices that there's something wrong with the way Adam is walking. He doesn't look hurt he just doesn't have that spring in this step that he usually had is walking around in the beauty and majestic missives Garden of Eden.

So God calls down to Adam and asks what's wrong my son you don't seem happy you seem as though something's bothering?

Adam says well father I look around at all the other animals and I see that they have someone for them. That person seems to make them happy and allows them to make a family. I don't know what it feels like I just know like but I just feel like it's missing from my life.

God takes a minute and thinks about it and then replies, I knew this day would come my son and there's nothing unnatural about it. For you Adam I can make something called a woman to complement you as a man. She will follow every order that you give her, she will cook for you, she will live to satisfy you sexually, she will never talk back, she will clean for you she my son will do anything you require of her.

Adam without missing a beat and overly excited says I want that father!!!!

"There's is just one problem Adam" God says

Adam ask what's wrong father??

To create a creature like this and going to take from you both an arm and a leg.

Adam thinks for a few minutes when he finally looks up towards the heavens and says " father what can I get for a few ribs "

Juniper

13th March 2014, 13:51

Johnny goes into a pet store determined to buy a talking parrot because he thinks they are cool. Upon arriving he approaches the store owner and explains his needs. The store owner nods his understanding but explains that he has no such parrots available. Infuriated that the store owner obviously thinks he is stupid he points to a beautiful Macaw in a large cage and says “What about that one?!”

“Oh sir…. You don’t want old Mel.”

“Oh?” he asked impatiently “why is that?”

“Old Mel used to belong to a sailor on an oil rig who died a tragic death. During his time there he learned every bad work in the book. I ended up having to adopt the bird as I could not sell him due to his language.”

Johnny walked up to Mel’s cage and he and the bird eyed each other up and down…

“Hello!” said Mel

“Hello!” said Johnny

“You’re a snappy dresser!” said Mel

After a very lengthy “conversation” Mel had not uttered a single curse word and seemed polite as can be. Johnny insisted on buying the bird and the store owner agreed but advised that there could be no returns on such a purchase.

Once home Johnny took the cover off the cage and Mel looked the place over. “Kind of a messy place fuckhead.” Johnny gasped but then regained his composure. Obviously it was an anomaly.

Over the next few weeks Mel’s language got steadily worse. Soon everything he said included an F-bomb or calling Johnny an Asshole. Johnny was miserable until he suddenly got a phone call from the hot new girl at his office he had been pursuing for weeks. She wanted to come over that night for drinks. Suddenly Johnny’s mood changed and he was as happy as he could be when he agreed to the drinks and hung up the phone...He was happily in bliss when Mel’s shrill voice sqwauked,

“Someone’s gonna get some tonight!”

“Someone’s gonna get some tonight!”

“Someone’s gonna get some tonight!”

“Someone’s gonna get some tonight!”

No matter what Johnny said Mel just kept repeating it over and over. Desperate for a solution before His new lady friend came over he called the store owner. “You have to help me! This bird is foul mouthed just like you said and I have a woman coming over!”

“Well sir the only thing I could think of is to get a female parrot for Mel to be distracted with. Then maybe he won’t bother you and your lady friend”

“Fine! I’ll do it how fast can you get the bird here?” Johnny asked

“Oh sir I am sorry I have no parrot in my store. But if you want I can loan you this female owl I have? Just as a loaner until I can get you a parrot.”

Johnny agrees and a few hours later just minutes before his date arrives the store owner drops off the female owl in its own cage. Mel is dumbfounded and for the moment silent as he inspects his new neighbor. Johnny thanks the store owner as obviously their plan is working flawlessly and the store owner leaves.

Ten minutes later the bell rings and Johnny’s date arrives. Things go smoothly for about an hour as the drinks pour freely and Johnny and his date get more and more cozy until eventually the tension in the room bursts and they find themselves all over each other pawing, grasping, kissing, and throwing clothes everywhere….Johnny and his date are naked and he is between her legs. The tip of his Fully erect penis is just about to press against her moist waiting mound when……

Suddenly in a loud voice Mel screeches “SOMEONES GONNA GET SOME TONIGHT!”

The owl, now awake, answers “Whoooo….Whooo…”

Mel looks over and Squawks “Not you! You big eyed son of a bitch!”

Akzle

13th March 2014, 15:06

gjm

13th March 2014, 15:20

that Is a very long joke for very little punchline.

Try this:

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Geeen

13th March 2014, 15:27

Try this:

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Bored........

Juniper

13th March 2014, 15:42

Husband and wife...

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

gjm

13th March 2014, 15:46

My wife and I were happy for many years.

Then we met.

Juniper

13th March 2014, 15:55

These two guys go down to their local bar. Like any normal Friday night they have a couple beers. Suddenly one of them looks stunned, shocked and amazed all at once...

"What is it Walt? What's wrong???", the other one asks.

"Rick, look over there...at that table...I swear it's Hitler."

Rick turns around with a huge smirk on his face, and then slowly turns back looking white as a ghost..."Holy Shit Man...sure looks like him!"

They order a few more beers, and egg each other into to going over and talking to "Hitler"... Several bottles of liquid courage later, they agree to go over together. So they walk over...

"Excuse me sir?" says Rick.

"Vhy yes? How can I help you?", replies the man in English with a heavy German accent.

"Uhhhh, uhhhh...." stumbles Walt, "uh we were over there drinking and we, uh, saw you, and uhhhh, we thought..."

"We thought you looked like Hitler!" Rick chimes in.

The man smiles and gives a small nod, he sips his beer.

"Well are you Hitler?" says Walt.

The man looks them up and down, and says, "Vhy, yes. I am Adolph Hitler." Hitler toasts his drinking companion and they both smile.

Walt and Rick look even more shocked. They manage to blurt together, "What...what are you doing here?"

Hitler talks briefly to his drinking companion in German and then switches to English, "Vell me and my associate here...Ve are planning the second Holocaust and the return of Our Glorious Reich. You see, Ve have learned a lot in the last several years and this time Ve are sure Ve will vin. Ve are going to take over the vorld, kill all the Jews, and two clowns."

Walt looks at him and shakely says, "Two clowns???" He and Rick start edging away.

Hitler slaps his drinking companion and shouts, "SEE! I told you no one cares about zee Jews!"

Juniper

13th March 2014, 15:57

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautied frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't fucking think so.

Juniper

13th March 2014, 16:00

how do you confuse all of South Auckland?

Tell them it's father's day.

gjm

13th March 2014, 23:21

Women across the world demand not to be called bossy.

cc rider

14th March 2014, 00:20

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.'
'I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other cowboy. 'What is it?'
'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear,
'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.

Soz if repeat kids

Swoop

14th March 2014, 10:02

"Dad, is there such a thing as a seven leaf clover?" asked my son.

"Don't be silly! Why do you ask?"

"Because there seems to be loads growing in the attic."

roogazza

15th March 2014, 07:45

294875294876294878

Reckless

16th March 2014, 12:47

9999999999999

294935

roogazza

17th March 2014, 16:19

294996294961294962

anebv8

17th March 2014, 18:19

apologies if posted before....

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare

Swoop

18th March 2014, 10:19

I don't understand my girlfriend sometimes, I came home this evening to find this note on the fridge.

'It's not working. I'm sorry, but I've gone to stay at my parents house...'

I opened it, the light came on and the beer was still cold.

What the hell is she on about?!

yokel

18th March 2014, 21:55

Women across the world demand not to be called bossy.

Just ban the word bossy

http://youtu.be/6dynbzMlCcw

Geeen

19th March 2014, 12:48

Just ban the word bossy

http://youtu.be/6dynbzMlCcw

Yeah right, those women all ended up in positions of 'power', maybe they should not be so precious about words...

ZeroIndex

19th March 2014, 13:40

Yeah right, those women all ended up in positions of 'power', maybe they should not be so precious about words...
It might get to a point where men can't say bossy, but women can... like with the word nigger (africans can say it, but "whitey... don't you dare"). Oh, and the reason I didn't say the "n" word... was because then I'm making you think it, rather than just saying it. So yeah... go the "b" word.

tigertim20

19th March 2014, 16:05

Yeah right, those women all ended up in positions of 'power', maybe they should not be so precious about words...

how the fuck are they going to climb into positions of power if they are so fucking precious that they can't get past being called something like 'bossy'? - they're going to get called a lot fuckin worse than that by the time they reach the top.
weed out the weak from the real bossy bitches.

Akzle

19th March 2014, 16:54

husaberg

19th March 2014, 18:35

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ZeroIndex

19th March 2014, 19:03

http://i.imgur.com/FUAIu6u.jpg

Scuba_Steve

19th March 2014, 19:22

women are just for putting your cock in sometimes. And making food hot so men can eat it.
Really, who gives a fuck about the rest, just ignore their menstruating bitch asses and get the fuck on with your life.

"women are only good for 3 things; Cooking, Cleaning, & Vaginas!" - Jon Lajolie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqXi8WmQ_WM

ZeroIndex

20th March 2014, 23:20

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2014/03/hard-to-argue-with-that-9.jpg?w=500&h=344

YellowDog

21st March 2014, 10:33

A Chinese family of 5, name Chu, Bu, Hu, Tu and Fu decided to migrate to the
New Zealand. In order to get visas, they have to adapt their names to the New Zealand
Standard. Chu becomes Chuck, Bu becomes Buck, Hu becomes Huck and Tu becomes
Tuck.

Fu decided to stay in China

Robbo

21st March 2014, 11:04

Eradicate that "Old Kipper Smell"

yokel

21st March 2014, 15:33

Nothing turns me on more than a women on her hands and knees........................scrubbing my floor

ZeroIndex

21st March 2014, 17:23

This is 33 minutes of pure agony... and the moral of the story: If you're about to perform an action that would be preceded by the words "watch this" (or any variation) ...just sit down, shut up and don't do anything.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Ybqsis4A64

slofox

22nd March 2014, 11:13

ZeroIndex

22nd March 2014, 11:37

Ever notice how hysterically 'merkins laugh when someone lands in the shit? Some kinda national characteristic?
That is an extremely good point.

cc rider

22nd March 2014, 19:08

Two blokes in the pub are argueing about who's the biggest liar.

One says to the other, "I went over the Niagara Falls in a wheelbarrow last week."

The other says, "I know, I saw you."

Scuba_Steve

22nd March 2014, 20:49

Not sure if it's a joke but it is funny & did happen on Friday, also it does involve a biker.
From my mate in Palmy Nth -

4 Little wankers come into the Fish and chips shop acting all tough and chanting "Highbury Hardcore". This fully leathered up biker says "Wanna Stop Shouting boys"
One of them replies "Wanna get stabbed old man".
Biker gets up, pulls a big fucking knife out of his boot and replies "Do you? Get the fuck out"
Nek Minnit, there all running hahahah

cc rider

23rd March 2014, 20:29

https://m.ak.fbcdn.net/sphotos-f.ak/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1.0-9/1011060_10203441156808777_445431540_n.jpg

husaberg

23rd March 2014, 20:39

000000000000000000000000

Banditbandit

24th March 2014, 07:51

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/t1.0-9/10013580_1461980970699806_127321888_n.jpg

Swoop

25th March 2014, 12:09

A science teacher says to his class, "What does E equal?"

Little Johnny put his hand up and said, "A fucking good time, sir."

roogazza

25th March 2014, 18:11

295285295286295287295288

gjm

25th March 2014, 19:55

http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/1334989300967_9015728.png

Swoop

26th March 2014, 09:25

I saw my wife taking a selfie with no make up on.

I asked, "What are you doing?"

She said, "I'm doing it for people with cancer."

I replied, "I think they're sick enough already."

Robbo

26th March 2014, 12:10

Oscar Pistorious Jokes...

I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 years and when he gets released… Bam! President of South Africa.
That’s how it works over there, right?

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able-bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes ” Just Don’t Do It.”

Hollywood are doing his life story; it’s now going to be called “ Blade Gunner.”

His lawyer’s got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like Pistorius hasn’t got a leg to stand on.

Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on Valentine’s Day he had to take her out.

Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.

Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The SAOC say he’s a front runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.

Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his Valentine’s Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.

New Valentine’s Day card: “Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never creep up On Oscar Pistorius.”

Too many Oscar Pistorius jokes already. Trying to come up with a new one is like taking a shot in the dark.

Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.

And the Oscar goes to …………………… Jail !!

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend’s murder……………. Footprints!

She didn’t notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the "silence of the limbs".

If found guilty he’s gonna have to take it on the shin.

And finally,

Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!

gjm

26th March 2014, 12:29

I met this ugly Russian girl on Twitter.

I call her Tash hag.

gjm

27th March 2014, 09:55

https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/t1.0-9/1011060_455935781204124_1018138018_n.jpg

gjm

27th March 2014, 19:59

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was: Where do women have the curliest hair?

Fiji was the correct answer...

kevfromcoro

28th March 2014, 22:01

The Irish have found a way to beat the fuel crisis.

They imported 50 million tons of sand off the arabs

They are going to drill for there own oil.

pzkpfw

28th March 2014, 22:07

The Irish have found a way to beat the fuel crisis.

They imported 50 million tons of sand off the arabs

They are going to drill for there own oil.

Can they spell "their"?

YellowDog

29th March 2014, 10:19

" It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you
realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence."

Geeen

29th March 2014, 11:33

..............

roogazza

1st April 2014, 17:33

295530295531295532295533

Stirts

3rd April 2014, 10:22

Oranges can be either male or female...

The males sometimes unexpectedly squirt in your eye.

The females are bitter for no apparent reason.

Big Dog

3rd April 2014, 14:56

Can they spell "their"?

Or they're.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Stirts

3rd April 2014, 15:02

Of course homosexuality is a type of mental illness.

Why else would they have fought so hard for the right to get married?

gwigs

3rd April 2014, 16:21

husaberg

3rd April 2014, 16:40

pppppppppppppppppppppp

Swoop

3rd April 2014, 20:25

Gay marriage legalised in England and Wales.

For those of you confused about the idea, it's like normal marriage but with blowjobs, anal and fewer arguments about who left the toilet seat up.

gjm

4th April 2014, 14:47

https://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/t1.0-9/10247266_639766452763896_640919343_n.jpg

roogazza

5th April 2014, 07:20

295744295745

gjm

5th April 2014, 11:13

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1.0-9/1922384_10152318024565941_1194449427_n.png

gjm

5th April 2014, 15:14

https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1.0-9/10155781_10151972198316363_1947415813_n.jpg

gjm

5th April 2014, 19:07

OK - I know it's not Friday. And this probably isn't entirely fair, but it made me smile:

https://scontent-a-lax.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/t1.0-9/10173561_1415589192034461_716476051_n.jpg

unstuck

7th April 2014, 05:31

WTF.......Some of these are wrong in so many ways.....http://sftimes.co/?id=413&src=share_fb_new_413

Banditbandit

7th April 2014, 09:17

A woman went into a bar in Newfoundland and saw a Mountie with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

She asked him if was true what they say about men with big feet.

The Mountie grinned and said, "Sure is, little lady. Why don't you come over to the barracks and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, Well, thanks, ma'am. I'm real flattered. nobody ever paid me for my services before."

She told him, "Don't be flattered...take the money and buy yourself boots that fit.

Banditbandit

7th April 2014, 16:19

This cute little five-year-old girl walks into the pet shop, goes to counter, peers over the top and says: "Mista, do you sell bunny rabbits?"

The shop owner comes out from behind the counter, crouches down and asks her: "Do you want a silky smooth black bunny rabbit, or do you want a really fluffy furry white bunny rabbit?"

The little one looks at him, blinks her eyes, and replies "Mista; I don't think my python gives a fuck !"

Banditbandit

8th April 2014, 08:50

http://amazinglytimedphotos.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Man-knows-where-to-place-hands-resizecrop--.jpg

Banditbandit

8th April 2014, 08:51

http://amazinglytimedphotos.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Seal-looks-very-hungry-resizecrop--.jpg

Stirts

8th April 2014, 14:25

Peaches Geldof has died.

Now Bob really doesn't like Mondays!

anebv8

8th April 2014, 18:44

One day the chicken & horse were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, the chicken searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping there was still time to save the horse's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised but happy to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's motorcycle, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and as the chicken began to sink, the horse heard the cry, 'Save me!'

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-dong thing and he would then lift the chicken out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled up and out, saving the chicken's life.

The moral of the story?

(Yep. You betcha. There is a moral!)

'When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.'

Robbo

8th April 2014, 19:46

Kids....Don't ya just love them.:2thumbsup

husaberg

8th April 2014, 20:11

pppppppppppppp

YellowDog

8th April 2014, 22:52

This maths test can predict your favourite film. Not sure how it works but it does. Mine was Star Wars.

DON'T PEEP!

Pick a number between 1 and 9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3 to that number.

Multiply by 3 again.

Add the 2 digits together.

Now discover your favourite film!

3. Oliver Twist.

4. Star Wars.

5. Forrest Gump.

6. Saving Private Ryan.

7. Jaws.

8. Grease.

9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Sheep & Oiled-Up Lady Boys.

10. Mary Poppins.

Robbo

9th April 2014, 07:30

This guy just loves his Chinese Ute..:niceone:

unstuck

9th April 2014, 07:36

This guy just loves his Chinese Ute..:niceone:

Seem to be a few of those burning out the wiring when you switch the air con on, and reverse gear disappearing somewhere into the internals.

slofox

9th April 2014, 07:45

Seem to be a few of those burning out the wiring when you switch the air con on, and reverse gear disappearing somewhere into the internals.

For some weird reason, I'm not that surprised.

husaberg

9th April 2014, 21:25

lllllllllllllllllllll

slofox

10th April 2014, 17:59

This maths test can predict your favourite film. Not sure how it works but it does. Mine was Star Wars.

If your film was Star Wars, your maths must be shit...:whistle:

gjm

10th April 2014, 20:01

http://i30.photobucket.com/albums/c336/sunking101/E4AF733B-0DDD-471D-9A7F-D592047B865D.jpg

awa355

10th April 2014, 20:01

This guy just loves his Chinese Ute..:niceone:

A work mate bought one of these ' great wall of china ' utes. The dealer had to refund his money after 8 months. So much went wrong.

roogazza

11th April 2014, 08:54

296037296038

GravelRashKid

11th April 2014, 10:36

296037

[shudder...]

bogan

11th April 2014, 12:11

Excellent twist in this one.

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/L6FTWv7abjU" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

gjm

11th April 2014, 19:48

https://scontent-a-lax.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1.0-9/10246285_10152360544970350_2211800631253208485_n.j pg

husaberg

11th April 2014, 19:53

http://wanna-joke.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/funny-gif-katy-perry-wink.gif

gjm

12th April 2014, 09:20

https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1.0-9/1925037_10152307278226125_1689955573_n.jpg

unstuck

12th April 2014, 09:52

I thought this was the joke thread.:argh::facepalm:

Juniper

14th April 2014, 07:04

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ”quickie”, only you do it yourself.

Q. Why don’t little girls fart?
A. Because they don’t get assholes until they’re married.

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q. What’s the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time.

Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.

Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur traders.

Q. What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.

Juniper

14th April 2014, 07:13

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent

had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant immediately wrote a check.

Juniper

14th April 2014, 07:15

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's cock and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

Juniper

14th April 2014, 07:17

A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name." Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred." The officer let him go without even a warning. :-)

Juniper

14th April 2014, 07:18

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City.

The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" He said that she had.

With a clever grin, she said, "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

Banditbandit

14th April 2014, 11:45

A man walks into the library, goes up to the information desk and asks: "Do you have any books on suicide?"

The librarian looks up and replies: "Fuck off - you'll never bring it back!"

Juniper

14th April 2014, 11:58

A white guy is in a public restroom using one of the urinals. Suddenly the door bangs open and a big black fellow rushes up to the urinal next to him, unzips, hauls out an enormous prick and let's loose like a circus elephant after a parade.

The black fellow sighs and says, "Just made it!" The white guy looks down at the huge schlong, then back up at the black guy and replies, "Could you make me one too...in white?"

Juniper

14th April 2014, 12:24

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper.

"We's sergeants now, "says Leroy, pulling him inside.

"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"

Juniper

16th April 2014, 11:58

So apparently many Christians are in an uproar over the movie Noah, claiming they made too much of the plot up. Apparently the fictitious movie about a fictitious story from a fictitious book wasn't historically accurate.

Juniper

16th April 2014, 12:06

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between "complete" and "finished". However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England , and attended by some of the best linguistics in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese was the clever winner.

His final challenge was this. Some say there is no
difference between "complete" and "finished". Please explain the
difference in a way that is easy to understand. His response
was:

When you marry the right woman, you are "complete". If
you marry the wrong woman, you are "finished". And, when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are "completely finished".

Juniper

16th April 2014, 12:17

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida StateTrooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”
The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”
“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.

Juniper

16th April 2014, 13:17

I see that in Michigan, two people are being sued for $2 million after burning down an apartment complex while cooking a squirrel with a blowtorch.

Now I'm not an accountant, but it sounds like they might not have $2 million.

Juniper

16th April 2014, 13:29

I went to work this morning and the road were covered in ice and snow, my daughter texted me to make sure I got there ok. I'm going to wait a while before I respond to make her realize how shit her life would be without me.

Juniper

16th April 2014, 13:43

A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says "I was taught to be thorough." The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says "I was taught to be environmentally friendly." The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says "I was taught not to piss on my hands."

Juniper

16th April 2014, 13:46

A lawyer, priest, and doctor are the last survivors of a sinking ship, floating in a lifeboat for several days.

Finally, they spot land, about 200 yds. away, but they're in shark-infested waters, and they have only a long rope to pull the boat to safety. The doctor offers to swim to shore while holding the rope, saying that he was a star swimmer in high school. The priest offers to do so, saying that the Lord will save him. With that, the lawyer jumps into the water with the rope, and pulls the other 2 to safety.

When the others ask him how he survived the sharks, he replied, "Professional courtesy."

Juniper

16th April 2014, 13:47

A man and six women survive a cruise ship sinking and get washed up on a desert island. The ladies decide to have the man one day a week and on Sundays he can rest. The man is happy with this but after several weeks he begins to tire. One morning another man is washed up onto the beach in a lifeboat and the first man thinks, 'Great now I can share the ladies'.
The man in the lifeboat greets the man on the beach with, "Ooo, Hello sexy!"
The man on the beach thinks, 'Oh shit, there goes my Sundays!'

Juniper

16th April 2014, 13:52

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened
to her prayers which ended by saying:"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God
bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"
*The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing
to do."*
The next day grandpa died.
*The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the
father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like
this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." *
The next day the grandmother died.
*"Holy Moley, thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other
side."*
*Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."*
He practically went into shock.
*He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his
office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.*
*He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day
he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every
sound. *
Finally, midnight arrived ; *he breathed a sigh of relief and went
home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late,
what's the matter?" *
*He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of
my life."*

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what
happened to me this morning. My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my
lesson." *

Juniper

16th April 2014, 13:55

Statement: “I’m a Romantic.”
True Meaning: “I’m poor.”

Statement: “You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.”
True Meaning: “You’re the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”

Statement: “I really want to get to know you better.”
True Meaning: “So I can tell my friends about it.”

Statement: “She’s kinda cute.”
True Meaning: “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.”

Statement: “I don’t know if I like her.”
True Meaning: “She won’t sleep with me.”

Statement: “Was it good for you?”
True Meaning: “I’m insecure about my manhood.”

Statement: “I had a wonderful time last night.”
True Meaning: “Who are you?”

Statement: “Do you love me?”
True Meaning: “I’ve done something stupid and you’re likely to find out.”

Statement: “How much do you love me?”
True Meaning: “I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on their way to tell you by now.”

Statement: “I have something to tell you.”
True Meaning: “Get tested.”

Statement: “I’ve been thinking a lot.”
True Meaning: “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”

Statement: “I think we should just be friends.”
True Meaning: “Frankly, you’re ugly.”

Statement: “I’ve learned a lot from you.”
True Meaning: “Next!!!”

Statement: “I’m on a long distance call, can you call me later?”
True Meaning: “I need to turn on my answering machine.”

Juniper

16th April 2014, 13:59

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him . . .

Juniper

16th April 2014, 14:01

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation.

"This is marvelous," said the journalist."What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Landmines."

Juniper

16th April 2014, 14:17

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."

The second man married a telephone operator.

Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom."

The third man married a school teacher.

Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid."

At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.

The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

"Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse."

"Son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'."

The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.

"What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices."

"Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'."

Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment.

Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.

Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.

"My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?"

The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'."

Juniper

16th April 2014, 14:50

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
A. Nothing.

Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Well aren't all kitchen appliances that colour?

Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
A. Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A. "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

Q. What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A. If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence!

Q. What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
A. Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!

Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotopuss.

Q. What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?
A. There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.

Q. What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. Pimp.

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroids.

Q. Why are women are like tires?
A. There's always a spare.

Q. What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
A. Beethoven's First Movement.

Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A. A tran-sister.

Juniper

16th April 2014, 14:59

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass."

Juniper

16th April 2014, 15:02

Cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

gjm

16th April 2014, 16:04

https://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/v/t1.0-9/10259922_794741137213566_3943904761358097869_n.jpg ?oh=b3d283126fdfe959b7f42165e5eaeeb1&oe=53C31DD1

Juniper

16th April 2014, 21:24

A Businessman was at a company dinner and was sitting next a rather pretentious women who was very opinionated about any new subject any of the others diner's were talking about. He decided enough was enough, so bought up the Subject of Fornication vs Adultery The women went into along diatribe on the meaning of each. He waited until she had almost finished and remarked "Obviously you have experience of them both and can't tell the difference either " There was a pregnant pause at the table she slammed her glass down got up and went away immediately after the whole table started clapping.

Juniper

16th April 2014, 21:38

Rob crashed a party last night, before he was kicked out I overheard the following between him and a woman at the bar:

Woman: Hey, Rob, want to hear a joke?

Rob: Yeah!

Woman: Pussy.

Rob: I don't get it.

Woman: Exactly...

roogazza

17th April 2014, 07:47

296231296232

YellowDog

17th April 2014, 11:49

Husband :-I lost my wife she went shopping and still not reached home yet.
Sergeant :-What is her height ?
Husband :-I never noticed.
Sergeant :-Build?
Husband :-Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant :-Colour of eyes?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Sergeant :-Colour of hair?
Husband :-Changes according to season.
Sergeant :-What was she wearing?
Husband :-Dress/suit/ I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant :-Was she going in a car?
Husband :-yes.
Sergeant :-tell me the number, name and colour of the car ?
Husband :-Black Audi A8 with super charged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power with an eight-speed triptonic automatic transmission with manual mode.
And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.

…………….and then the husband started crying...

Sergeant:-Don't worry sir.......We will find your car.

Juniper

17th April 2014, 12:22

South Korea are due to launch an investigation into how a passenger ferry managed to sink in the Yellow Sea.

After seeking expert advice from the Malaysian Authorities, they have decided to start by searching the Atlantic Ocean.

Juniper

17th April 2014, 12:24

A guy goes into Canada Post to apply for a job . . . The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" "This is a government job." the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Juniper

17th April 2014, 12:38

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?' Paddy said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Juniper

17th April 2014, 12:51

Of course homosexuality is a type of mental illness.

Why else would they have fought so hard for the right to get married?

Swoop

18th April 2014, 15:10

caspernz

18th April 2014, 15:45

Of course homosexuality is a type of mental illness.

Why else would they have fought so hard for the right to get married?

The best part is that in quite a few US states where gay marriage is now legal, pot is now also legal...:eek5: I wonder why?

Akzle

18th April 2014, 18:12

The best part is that in quite a few US states where gay marriage is now legal, pot is now also legal...:eek5: I wonder why?

i know this one!
Its biblical.
"if a man should lay with another man, he should be stoned".

anebv8

20th April 2014, 00:04

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Hoboken, wanted to expand the line of furniture. He decided to go to Paris, to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.
To celebrate the new purchase, he decided to visit a small tavern and have a glass of wine.

At the crowded bistro, he sat enjoying his wine. There was the only vacant table in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table. She asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand). He motioned to the vacant table and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English. She did not understand him. He took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass, and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin. He drew a picture of a plate with food. She nodded.

They left the bistro and found a quiet restaurant that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.

They danced until the band stopped playing. Back at their table, the young woman took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
.
.
.

To this day, Murphy still cannot figure how she knew he was in the furniture business.

caspernz

20th April 2014, 14:44

Q: What do a canoe and a kayak have in common?

A: They make roughly the same amount of rubble when run over by a truck...

(From the "one bungee cord will do" files)

Swoop

21st April 2014, 16:11

The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.

YellowDog

21st April 2014, 19:10

Q: What do a canoe and a kayak have in common?

A: They make roughly the same amount of rubble when run over by a truck...

(From the "one bungee cord will do" files)

That might be a rumble, rather than rubble :killingme

husaberg

21st April 2014, 19:34

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head
out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
'Yum! I smell maple syrup!'

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole,
sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head
out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't
because the bigger moles are in the way.
This makes him whine,

'Geez, all I can smell is....

MOLASSES!

Juniper

22nd April 2014, 14:41

Many of you 'Old Folks' (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused today about how you should present yourselves. Feeling 'young' , you try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.

Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Mini skirts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker

And, Most importantly

At some point you have to give up the 'DAISY DUKE' shorts

Juniper

22nd April 2014, 18:29

A man was hospitalized for having six plastic horses in his ass....

The Dr. listed his condition as stable.......

Juniper

22nd April 2014, 18:42

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female..... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male..... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n
Female..... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

husaberg

22nd April 2014, 18:58

Doctor to patient- " i have good news and bad news"

Patient- " whats the bad news?"

Doctor- "well, you only have 1 week to live"

Patient- "and the good?"

doctor- "well see that beautiful blonde nurse over there.......................................... im shagging her"

Juniper

23rd April 2014, 08:50

In South Los Angeles, a four story apartment building was destroyed by a fire.

A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire. An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire. Six LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious.

They flew into LA, met with the fire chief, on camera.

They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

The fire chief said, "It's Simple ---------------- they were at work!!!

Juniper

23rd April 2014, 08:54

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen." God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1pm and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9pm he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months though. You got pregnant last night."

Juniper

23rd April 2014, 09:02

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight.

Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her. So we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her "Pussycat."

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose.

Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.

Juniper

23rd April 2014, 09:12

Due to School Kids requiring things in Street Language the following is now
the Standard. :-

Name: _____________________________ Gang: ___________________________

1.Jamaal has an AK-47 with a 40-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
2.Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320, and 2 grams to Billy for $85 a gram. What is the street value of the remaining cocaine that he doesn't cut?
3.Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 a day crack habit?
4.Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need to reach his goal?
5.Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $800?
6.Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He received $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 a month, how much money will be left when he gets out of jail, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent all his money?
7.If the average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet, and the average letter is 0.8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
8.Hector knocked up 6 girls in his friendly neighborhood gang. If there are 27 girls in the gang, what percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up? What percentage of girls in the gang hasn't Hector knocked up?

BONUS QUESTION: Based on the information provided above, how many more girls can Hector knock up in his gang if he has sex 8 times a day with 3 different girls a week for 6 months using the highly reliable "rhythm method" of birth control?

Juniper

23rd April 2014, 09:20

A Husband’s call:

"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays.The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."

Wife’s Response:

"Who is Paula?"

Swoop

23rd April 2014, 11:03

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for almost 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

Juniper

23rd April 2014, 15:08

Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthing but my earrings."

Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ..." When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

Juniper

23rd April 2014, 15:16

A farmer in Little Oakley, Essex stopped by the local Garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a large can of fence paint.

On the way home, he visited a neighbors small holding and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside he now had a problem - how to carry his
entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to Mayes Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close by, I could walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why, thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your wicked way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens.'

Juniper

23rd April 2014, 15:20

A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'

Juniper

23rd April 2014, 15:45

A notorious Drunk goes to see a lawyer and tells him he wants a divorce.
What grounds do you have for a Divorce the Lawyer wanted to know.
Is she unfaithful, No he replied
Does she spend all you money and get you into debt, No he replied
Is she crazy, No he replied.
This went on for over half and hour and Every time the Lawyer asked him the answer was always No
Finally the Lawyer asked why do you want a divorce.
She has very filthy habits the man said.
What do you mean the Lawyer asked.
Well when I come home from the Pup on a Friday night and go to have a piss in the sink, It always full of Dirty Dishes.

Juniper

23rd April 2014, 15:51

After an examination, the doctor said to his patient: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."
When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?' The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?'
"Oh, that crazy old coot'' she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in December, and the second time is in June."

Juniper

23rd April 2014, 16:03

Macho man married a good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want
I don’t want -- and I don't -- expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

Juniper

23rd April 2014, 16:10

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!

Juniper

23rd April 2014, 16:13

A Doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Doctor gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated Doctor says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'

"In bed? At this time of day? Why" he asks?

"I am getting a second opinion!"

Juniper

23rd April 2014, 16:20

#5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

#4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

#3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

#2:
A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

#1:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

husaberg

23rd April 2014, 21:30

Bear walks into a pub.

"I'll have a pint .................................. of lager please"

Barman says "Why the long pause?"

Bear looks at his hands and says "I was born with these"

husaberg

23rd April 2014, 21:40

If women are so great at multitasking then why is it so hard for them to have sex and a headache at the same time.

Juniper

24th April 2014, 08:53

cc rider

28th April 2014, 01:30

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" She asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

To which the lady replied "Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said,

"I'm westing."

roogazza

29th April 2014, 11:00

I called into work and said, Hey, boss! What's the difference between work and your daughter?

I'm not coming into work this morning!

I once called into work and screamed, "I can't see...I can't see..."
the manager who took my call asked, "what who is this, what's wrong???"
I replied with my name and employee number and said "I can"t see myself coming into work today!" and hung up....

I was trying to get fired. Sadly the manager said that was the best call in he had ever received and wrote me down as sick..

Ha ha Like that !
True story here. I was a young cop in a Watchouse early 70s. An older cop rang in on a Saturday night (for nightshift 11pm start) and just said 'Ha ha ha hee hee hee I'm having a sick ee ee !
Only trouble was I hadn't answered the phone,an old bastard sgt had.
The Sgt went to visit him and found him playing table tennis !
He arrived at work shortly after !!!!!!

roogazza

29th April 2014, 11:05

296645296646

Juniper

29th April 2014, 12:24

In the convent a young nun went to see the mother superior.
"Mother, I want to quit the veil."
"But why, my child?"
"To become a prostitute."
"What? What are you saying?"
"I said I want to become a prostitute, mother."
"Oh, you had me worried. I thought you said protestant!"

Juniper

29th April 2014, 12:32

In the maternity ward of a hospital, new-born girl baby looks over at new-born boy baby and asks, "Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?"

The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!"

"How can you tell?" asks girl baby.

"Easy," says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty night-shirt and proudly pointed downward. "See.....blue booties"

Juniper

29th April 2014, 12:55

The nutty professor was teaching a class about theoretical physics, when one of the students puts his hand up.

"Yes" said the nutty professor

" Schrodinger's experiments are the best part of a century old" said the student, " how can this relate to me?"

So the nutty professor told the student, "I have stuck your family on a plane from Malaysia to Beijing, now tell me if they are dead or alive"

Juniper

29th April 2014, 13:02

You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs.
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.
This TRUE interview went as follows:

The lady reporter: I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.
Can you offer any reason for this disease?
The farmer stared at the reporter and said? Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?
Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): â€œWell, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?

Farmer: Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?
Reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?
Farmer: I am getting to the point, Miss. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?

THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED .....

Juniper

29th April 2014, 14:12

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship. A woman survived a grizzly bear attack with one well-placed shot from her itsy bitsy .25 caliber Beretta Jetfire.

These are her own words.:
While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend, we were surprised when a huge grizzly bear came charging at us out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire I would not be here today! I yanked it out of my purse and fired one shot.

It hit my boyfriend in his kneecap and the bear caught him easily. While the grizzly mauled the poor cripple, I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
I love that pistol I'll find other boyfriends.

YellowDog

29th April 2014, 20:54

The bronze rat

A bloke from the bush walked into a Sydney antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.'

The fellow gave the owner his $12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed and ran on towards Sydney Harbor and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'Blimey no!' said the bloke, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim, a Poof, and an Indian spin bowler.

Juniper

30th April 2014, 08:47

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement, and extending the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches), the retiring colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabby and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive
man less than 3 ft. tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented England in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of… "

The colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes; never mind that, Smithers; the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you called the witch doctor a motherfucker.

Juniper

30th April 2014, 08:55

Maria had just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was
still a virgin.

On her wedding night, she stayed at her mother's house, and was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her:
"Don't worry Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care
of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and
exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a
big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "All good men have hairy
chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of
you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off
his pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off
his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go
upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and
on his left foot he was missing three toes.When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a
foot and a half!"

Her Mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta."

Juniper

30th April 2014, 11:53

After having their 11th child, a West Auckland couple decided that they had enough kids. So, the husband and wife went to the doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.The doctor told them that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was more expensive than they could afford. The doctor knew the family didn't have much money, so he proceeded to tell them about an alternate treatment.
The doctor instructed the man to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Westie said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." The doctor told him that was the cheapest alternative he could think of, and the man was still not satisfied.
So, the couple drove to Remurewa to get a second opinion. The Remurewa physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed on the form that they were from West Auckland.. (And the income range block on the form was filled in with the words "what's income.") So this doctor also proceeded to tell them about an alternate method of treatment. He told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the couple went home, stopping to buy a cherry bomb along the way. When he got home, the man lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Juniper

30th April 2014, 12:13

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One's a bottom-feeding scumsucker, and the other's a fish.

Juniper

30th April 2014, 12:18

A woman before bed tells her husband " I can get a pair of giant tits put on for $ 2000.00 do what do you think" ? The husband thinks for a minute then says " I got a better idea. Just rub your tits with toilet paper everyday." The wife says " what your crazy & cheap." He says " maybe so but just look what it did to your ass."

Juniper

30th April 2014, 12:21

Two attorneys are having lunch together when this incredibly sexy & beautiful woman walks in. Look at her damn she is gorgeous. Would I love to fuck her. The other attorney says " On
what grounds ?

Juniper

30th April 2014, 12:27

Guy in a bar walks up to a girl and says:
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Juniper

30th April 2014, 12:29

As it says two Italian guys go deer hunting. They camp out in tents the whole experience. On the last day they get a huge 5 point buck.
So they start dragging it by its antlers to camp when a more experienced hunter sees them & offers some advice. " Hey fellahs nice one you got there but hey drag him by his rear legs to camp. It's easier & faster."
So the two Italian hunters say thanks & try it. One says yeah much easier. So they start off again. About an hour later one Italian says to the other "you know this dragging by the legs is quicker & easier only thing is we're getting further from our camp."

Juniper

30th April 2014, 12:41

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his fuckin' widow."

Juniper

30th April 2014, 13:27

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S. ) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? And, will Russia take part in it?"

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"

The general replied, "All indications point to China ."

Everyone in the audience was shocked.

A third officer remarked, "General, we are a nation of only 250 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"

The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters, but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."

After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the auditorium asked, "Do we have enough Jews?"

Juniper

30th April 2014, 13:42

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it.

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Juniper

30th April 2014, 14:03

A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show at the
local Golf Club.
With his dummy on his knee he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting …
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It’s men like you who keep
women like me from being respected at work and in the
community, and from reaching our full potential as people.
You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes but women in general ...pathetically all in the name of
humour!”
The embarrassed
ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde woman
yells

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to
that little shit on your
lap!"

Juniper

30th April 2014, 14:13

The teacher started class with,

"Tomorrow, boys and girls, is Thanksgiving Day. We will not have school.

Many of your families will have a big meal, with lots of very nice dishes"

Many of you will have turkey and stuffing, but not all of you will."

So, today, I have brought samples of some of the meats your families may have tomorrow. As I call your name, you may come to my desk. I want you to close your eyes and open your mouth. I will place a small piece of meat in your mouth. Then, I want you chew on it and, then, tell me what type of meat it is."

The teacher called on Billy first. After Billy had tasted the meat, she asked, "What sort of meat is that, Billy?".

Billy replied, "I'm not sure, Teacher".

The teacher explained, "It swims in the water and makes a quacking sound".

Billy exclaimed, "Oh, I know. It's a duck".

"That's right, Billy. Now, you may sit down and I want Hattie to come up".

The teacher followed the same routine with Hattie. Hattie immediately beamed and proudly said, "Oh, teacher, that's chicken. We have it every Sunday when the preacher comes for dinner".

The teacher replied, "Very good, Hattie. It is chicken. Now, you may sit down and I want Mary to come up".

Mary dutifully closed her eyes and opened her mouth. The teacher placed a morsel in Mary's mouth and instructed her to chew on it.

After a few seconds, Mary said, "Teacher, I don't righly know what this is".

The teacher asked, "Well, Mary, when your Daddy comes home from work, what does your Mommy call him?".

From the back of the classroom, Little Johnny jumps up and shouts...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Wait for it ...
...
...
...
...
...
...

"Spit it out, Mary. It's SON OF A BITCH !!!".

Juniper

30th April 2014, 14:20

I am so sick of My agnostic dyslexic friend
every other night he wants to come over and discuss the existence of dog

Juniper

30th April 2014, 14:28

Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

Juniper

30th April 2014, 14:59

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!". Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?".

"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".

Juniper

30th April 2014, 18:41

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! 'What's going on here?' 'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly. 'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road ?' I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!

gjm

30th April 2014, 19:38

I am so sick of My agnostic dyslexic friend
every other night he wants to come over and discuss the existence of dog

What do you get if you cross an insomniac with an agnostic and a dyslexic?

Someone who lies awake at night and wonders if there really is a dog...

Juniper

1st May 2014, 08:43

10 Redneck Pickup lines

1: Did you fart? Cuz you blow me away!
2: My love is like Diarrhea...I can't hold it in.
3:I got a six pack of beer and the new Hank Jr CD.
4: Baby you're finer than a new set of snow tires.
5: You're prettier than a beer truck pulling up in my driveway.
6: Are your parents retarded? Cuz your special.
7: You're not the best looking girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
8: Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
9: Hey baby! Nice tooth!
10: Wanna come over to my trailer, drink some beer and see my new velvet Elvis painting?

Juniper

1st May 2014, 14:32

** Breast ID System **

(o)(o)
perfect breasts

( + )( + )
fake silicone breasts

()()
high nipple breasts

(@)(@)
big nipple breasts (you know who you are)

oo
a cups

{ O }{ O }
d cups

(oYo)
wonder bra breasts

( ^)( ^)
cold breasts

(o)(O)
lopsided breasts

(Q)(Q)
pierced breasts

(p)(p)
breasts w/hanging tassels

(:o)(o)
bitten by a vampire breasts

o/o/
Grandma's breasts

( - )( - )
flat against the shower door breasts

electric shock breasts

|o||o|
android breasts

(/)(o)
scratched breasts (ouch)

(%)(o)
extra nipple breasts

($)($)
Jenny McCarthy's breasts

(^o)(o)
zit on your breast

( o Y o )
poses for playboy magazine breasts

Juniper

1st May 2014, 14:42

Tiger Woods has now teamed up with Pfizer drug company to create a new male enhancement product- Tiagra.
.
.
.
.
It's good for 18 holes.

Juniper

1st May 2014, 15:07

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

Juniper

1st May 2014, 15:14

THE TRANSCRIPT OF THE NEW ANSWERING SERVICE RECENTLY INSTALLED AT THE MENTAL HEALTH INSTITUTE

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you now.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969669696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the star and pound keys until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Of after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you have ADD look at your hand, yell at the dog, remember the phone, start a grocery list, go pee.. Don't worry the phone will automatically hang up in 2 minutes because you forgot you called us.

Juniper

1st May 2014, 15:24

A man is dying with his wife at his side. He says “Dear I have something I need to tell you.”
She holds his hand and says “Don’t worry about it”.
“No really,” he says “I have to tell you before I die, I had sex with your sister and two of your best friends”
She holds his hand, smiles and says softly “I know that’s why I poisoned you.”

Juniper

1st May 2014, 15:32

- Take One

Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second accountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending Accountants - Take Two

An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The accountant said, "I like both." "Both?" The accountant replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

Juniper

1st May 2014, 15:44

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

Juniper

1st May 2014, 15:45

Redneck's Magic trick

A black guy and a redneck go into a pastry shop.
The black guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.

The baker doesn't notice.

The black guy says to the redneck: "You see how clever we are? You
rednecks can never beat that!"

The redneck says to the black guy: "Watch this, any redneck is
smarter than a black guy, and I'll prove it to ya."

He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I'll show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie, which the redneck promptly eats. Then
he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him.

He eats this one, too. Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie..."

The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway.

The redneck eats this one, too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous
magic trick?"

The redneck says, "Look in the black guy's pocket!"

Juniper

1st May 2014, 15:50

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

Juniper

1st May 2014, 16:20

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse. was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."