Friday jokes

[Bikkie]

An asian man reversed into me at a
roundabout and claimed I'd hit him from
behind then claimed for whiplash...as did his
4 passengers which oddly I didn't see at the
time and must have been imbued with super
powers of invisibility from the trauma of the
high impact crash.
Later I found out the same passengers had
also appeared miraculously in 3 other cars on
the same day with 3 other drivers who also
had accidents and they had suffered
whiplash in each bump again and again.

You'd have thought they'd be more wary after
the 1st accident,it obviously wasn't their
lucky day.

[Swoop]

Not seen this much trouble because of one knee, since the Mills/McCartney divorce.

[YellowDog]

Great.... We have yet another new word to learn:

[YellowDog]

______________________________________________

[Swoop]

A company has produced soft furnishings with the Angel of Death pictured on them.
There's bound to be Reaper Cushions.

[Bikkie]

Kim Jong Un decided to write president
Trump a hand written letter to let him
know he was still alive....
Trump opened the letter and written was a
coded message that simply read
____370HSSV 0773H___
Trump,baffled emailed the letter to his aides
who also had no idea so they sent the letter
to the FBI...
The FBI also couldn't deceiver the code so
they posted it onto the CIA...
The CIA got to work with some of the
brightest minds in America trying to figure
out Kim Jong Uns secret code but to no
success...Defeated...The CIA contacted
the Ministers of state security in china to see
if they had any ideas...Approximately 20
minutes later the CIA had a reply!!!!....
"Tell your president he held the message
upside down."

[gjm]

_.,-=~+"^'`*`'^"+~=-,._

346094

[Bikkie]

A little girl asks her mum,"mummy how was I
born?"

Her mother smiled and replied "Once upon a
time your daddy and I decided to plant a
wonderful tiny seed.
Your daddy planted it in the earth and I took
care of it every single day.
After a while the seed germinated and grew
tall with many leaves until it became a lovely
healthy plant.
Then we dried it and smoked it and got so
high we forgot to use a condom."

[sidecar bob]

Im building a special out of a couple of old beaters we had lying around;)

[Bikkie]

You are doing a good job on that special bob. :)

[Swoop]

The Prophet Mohammed was well-known for taking and trading slaves, but I don't hear any of these 'woke' lefties calling for his statue to be pulled down.

[YellowDog]

___________________________________
https://www.wspa.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/53/2016/08/labs_36103876_ver1.0.jpg

[Swoop]

I used to have a Pet Rat... He was a friendly chap.
People used to say "Urgh..What made you want to keep Rats?" ...I'd tell them, "Well, there's a big difference between Pet Rats, and Sewer Rats"
"Really?" they'd say.."What's the difference?"
I'd reply "Pet Rats don't aspire to become labour party members"

[pete376403]

I used to have a Pet Rat... He was a friendly chap.
People used to say "Urgh..What made you want to keep Rats?" ...I'd tell them, "Well, there's a big difference between Pet Rats, and Sewer Rats"
"Really?" they'd say.."What's the difference?"
I'd reply "Pet Rats don't aspire to become labour party members"

It must really gall you to have to accept that you are alive right now possibly because of the actions of the Labour government in preventing covid becoming as well established here as it is in (say) US or Britain or one of those other countries who dont suffer a semi socialist leadership.

[Swoop]

It must really gall you to have to accept that you are alive right now possibly because of the actions of the Labour government in preventing covid becoming as well established here as it is in (say) US or Britain or one of those other countries who dont suffer a semi socialist leadership.

Nope.
In fact the exact opposite since they were as swift as a herd of turtles stampeding through jelly, to commence any action that "saved the population".
Never trust a socialist.

[Swoop]

Schrödinger's Twat.

A person that says offensive things, then decides whether or not they are joking based on other people's reactions.

[Swoop]

I had the Hiroshima Breakfast this morning.

One giant mushroom and loads of burnt soldiers.

[Bikkie]

Solution

I couldn't help but overhear
two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the
bar last night.
One of the guys says to his
buddy:"Mate you look
tired."
His buddy says:"Mate I'm
exhausted.My girlfriend
and I have sex all the time.
She's after me 3 and 4 times
a day.
She wants sex before
breakfast,sex before I go to
work,when I come home
she's tearing my shirt off as
I come through the door.
She's got her hands down
my pants after dinner,she
even joins me in the shower
almost every night.I just
don't know what to do."
A fellow in his 50's sitting a
couple of stools down.also
overheard the
conversation.
He looked over at the two
young men and with the
wisdom of years said,"Marry
her.That'll put a
stop to all that shit."

[Swoop]

If Hitler hadn’t killed himself and went on trial at Nuremberg…

Judge: “You have been found guilty of the genocidal murder of six million Jews, and of causing the most destructive war in human history. Do you have anything to say?”

Hitler: “I’m a vegan.”

[Swoop]

Now that Washington have agreed to drop the "Redskins" part of their name as it was considered offensive to the natives, America's gay male community have requested the Green Bay Packers do the same.

[pete376403]

Bordering on stupidity - Canada and Mexico

[Swoop]

I’ve just finished building a model of Mount Everest.

My mate asked “Is it to scale?”

“No” I replied, “It’s to look at”

[Swoop]

This really hot woman with massive tits and a short skirt got into the lift with me. The lift then stopped.

"Great" she said "how long are we going to be stuck in here for?"

"Dunno" I replied, "maybe hours" and as she got hotter she started to unbutton her top a little more. Then she noticed my erection and started to smile, after a few minutes I had her naked and was balls deep in her. We finished our fuck and she started to get dressed, "I've never seen you in here before, what department do you work in?" She asked.

"Oh, I don't work here" I answered, "I'm just here to fix the lift".:shifty:

[YellowDog]

Some photos:

[YellowDog]

Jim Beam anyone?

[roogazza]

346662346663346664346665346666

[Swoop]

Just watching the aftermath of the explosion in Lebanon on the news. Twisted metal, rubble and bodies everywhere.

Looks like Beirut as I remembered seeing it in the 80's...




Breaking news; Lebanese man breaks world record for amount of mentos in a Coke bottle.




Beiruit explosion just shows how badly covid affecting the world... Even the terrorists are working from home.

[Jase H]

346740

Or something like this...

[Swoop]

They said the term “Chinese virus” is racist,
Then they said the term "Wuhan Flu" is racist,
Then they said the term “Kung Flu” is racist,
So from now on, I will call it the Wu Ping Cough.

[roogazza]

346759346758346760

[husaberg]

https://i.imgflip.com/1hgrjr.jpg

[Dadpole]

This is gold

https://reno.craigslist.org/spo/d/reno-sex-swing/7175163553.html

[Swoop]

A plane is about to crash and the pilot immediately asks the passengers if there is anyone that believes in the power of prayer. A vicar's hand immediately goes up and the pilot says "Thank fuck for that vicar, we're a parachute short!"

[YellowDog]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mummy’, the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age', the mother replied. 'It's not polite'.

'OK', the little girl says,
'What colour was your hair 2 years ago?’
'Now really', the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mum won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'

'I also know that you used to have brown hair.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because on your driving licence it says you got an ‘F’ in sex.' :lol:

[Bikkie]

This really fit woman with
massive tits and short
skirt got into the lift with
me.The lifted stopped.
"Great" she said,"How long
are we going to be stuck
in here for?"
"Dunno," I replied,"maybe
hours." and as she got
hotter she started to
unbotton her top a little
more.Then she noticed
my erection and started
to smile,after a few
minutes I had her naked
and was balls deep in
her.
We finished our fuck
and she started to get
dressed."I've never seen
you in here before,what
department do you work
in?" she asked.
"Oh,I don't work here," I
answered,"I'm just here to
fix the lift."

[YellowDog]

________________________________________________

[YellowDog]

__________________________________

[YellowDog]

________________________

[husaberg]

https://www.sapeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/joke-the-cure-900x508.jpghttps://www.thepoke.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Screenshot-2020-03-12-at-15.16.42.png
https://i.postimg.cc/W1t0ZznH/awn66yh36pn41.jpg

[Swoop]

COVID - A disease so deadly, you need a test to determine if you even have it.

[pete376403]

COVID - A disease so deadly, you need a test to determine if you even have it.

or you can just wait until it kills you. That applies to a lot of diseases, not just C19

[YellowDog]

______________

[Bikkie]

AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET
12659-CASE OF THE
PREGNANT LADY?

A lady about 8 months
pregnant got on a bus.She
noticed the man opposite
her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to
another seat.

This time the smile turned
into a grin,so she moved
again.

The man seemed more
amused.

When on the fourth move,
the man burst out laughing;
She complained to the
driver,and he had the man
arrested.

The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man
( about 20 years old ) what
he had to say for himself.

The man replied.

"Well your Honour,it was
like this: When the lady
got on the bus,I couldn't
help but notice her
condition.

She sat under a sweets
sign that said,"The
Double Mint Twins are
Coming;and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat
under a sign that said;
"Logan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling;and
I had to smile.

Then she placed herself
under a deodorabt sign
that said;"Wiliam's Big
Stick Did the Trick; and I
could hardly contain
myself.

BUT,your Honour,when
she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that
said,"Goodyear Rubber
could have prevented this
Accident",I just lost it."

[caseye]

Well done that man, brilliant Post Bikkie.:eek5:

[Swoop]

I asked the assistant at Whitcoulls, when the book about Cindy managing the pandemic would be available,

"I haven't got a clue" she replied,

"Yeah, that's the one!" I answered.

[slofox]

Little Johnny is walking out of the church with his mum, after Grandad's funeral.

He looks at his Mum and says, "Y'know Mum, I'll never forget Grandad's last words to me. I'll remember them forever."
His Mum looks at him fondly and asks "So what did he say to you then?"

"He said..he said..."Stop shaking the ladder you fucking little cunt!""




In the junior school classroom the teacher is talking to the kids about Covid 19. She says "It's a very contagious disease so you have to be really careful!" The kids look puzzled and one of them asks "What's contagious Miss?"
Teacher thinks briefly and says "OK kids does anyone know the answer to that?" Total silence and shaking heads so Teacher says "OK that's your homework for tonight. Find out what contagious means, OK?"

Next day she asks the kids if anyone found the answer. Little Johnny's hand shoots up so she asks him what the answer is. Little Johnny says "Contagious are people who come to finish a job you start but can't finish!"
Teacher looks puzzled..."Where did you get that answer from Johnny?"

Says Johnny "My dad said it last night." Teacher asks "So exactly what did Dad say?" Bright spark replies. "Well Miss, Mum came home last night and said to Dad "Guess what? Your brother is going to paint his house! He's gunna do it himself!" Then Dad said, "Ho, I bet it takes the contagious to finish it!""

[Swoop]

Recently someone nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out, and escaping with the goods, he was captured only 5 miles away when his van ran out of petrol.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such a foolish error running out of fuel, he replied,

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

[FJRider]

Recently someone nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out, and escaping with the goods, he was captured only 5 miles away when his van ran out of petrol.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such a foolish error running out of fuel, he replied,

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Stick to your day job ...

[YellowDog]

_____________________

[Swoop]

I had a really great day today, painting the fascia boards on the veranda with my step ladder.

I don't get on with my real ladder.

[Swoop]

In this day and age of the snowflake dickhead, why isn't The Isle of Man called "The Isle of Person"?


I thought global warming was killing off snowflakes, but it’s actually making them worse!!!

[Bonez]

In this day and age of the snowflake dickhead, why isn't The Isle of Man called "The Isle of Person"?


I thought global warming was killing off snowflakes, but it’s actually making them worse!!!Trumpaphobic Snowflakes are melting at a horrendous rate.:woohoo:

Just saying...

[Swoop]

Nancy Pelosi says the Senate will impose article 29 and remove Donald Trump because his covid medication is affecting his mental faculties.

The USA couldn't be summed up more succinctly: It gets a President who hasn't started any wars and they have him sectioned.:shifty:

[pete376403]

Nancy Pelosi says the Senate will impose article 29 and remove Donald Trump because his covid medication is affecting his mental faculties.

The USA couldn't be summed up more succinctly: It gets a President who hasn't started any wars and they have him sectioned.:shifty:

He's pretty close to starting a civil war, would that count?

[roogazza]

347500347501347502347503

[Swoop]

Nine medical tests you can do yourself.

Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbour’s fence (again).

If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems.
If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic.
If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, you are dehydrated.
If your stream didn’t reach the fence, you have a prostrate problem.
If it is bright pink you have kidney problems.
If you forgot to get your knob out and you pissed your pants, you have Alzheimer’s.
If you missed the fence you have Parkinson’s.
If your stream smells meaty, your cholesterol level is far too high.
If you can’t smell your urine, you have Coronavirus.

[roogazza]

347552

Watch for those white vans over the long weekend.....:whistle:

[husaberg]

The national party's election result last week.

[roogazza]

347565xxxx

[Swoop]

Apparently, if you can taste paper or cardboard you have the dreaded Covid-19.

Well, I must apologise to my wife for all the insults of her rather bland cooking, it seems I've had this virus for forty three years.

[YellowDog]

For English Language Lovers:

[Piper]

An atheist was seated
next to a little girl on an
airplane and he turned to
her and said,
"Do you want to talk?"
Flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation
with your fellow
passenger. "
The little girl, who had
just started to read her
book, replied to the total
stranger.
" What would you want to
talk about? "
" Oh, I don't know," said
The atheist. "How about
why there is no God, or no
Heaven or Hell, or no life
after death?" as he smiled
smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those
could be interesting topics
but let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a
cow, and a deer all eat the
same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer
excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out
a flat patty, but a horse
produces clumps. Why do
you suppose that is? "
The atheist, visibly
surprised by the little girl's
intelligence thinks about
it and says.
" Hmmm, I have no idea. "
To which the little girl
replies,
" Do you really feel
qualified to discuss God,
Heaven and Hell, or life
after death, when you
don't know shit?"
And then she went back to
reading her book.

[Swoop]

How could someone snort so much coke and be such a fat cunt?

[Piper]

Tiger Woods drives his BMW
into a petrol station in a
remote part of Ireland.
Paddy, who knows nothing
about golf, says, "Top o the
mornin to Yer sir!"
Tiger nods and bends to pick
up the nozzle. As he does so,
2 tees fall out of his shirt
pocket.
"What are those?" asks
Paddy.
"They’re called tees. They're
for resting my balls on when
I'm driving."
"Fuck me" says Paddy "BMW
think of everything!"

[YellowDog]

________________________________

[YellowDog]

__________________________________________

[Swoop]

Just saw the headline: 'Woman beats off rapist' and I thought... "That seems like a reasonable compromise."

[Swoop]

I’ve been swapping labels around on the wife’s spice jars. She may not know anything about it yet but, mark my words — the thyme is cumin.

[Piper]

What a morning..... 8.00
I made a snowman.
8.10 A Feminist passed
by and asked me
why I didn't make a
snow woman. 8.15 I
made a snow woman. 8.17
The nanny of the neighbours
complained about the
voluptuous chest on the
snow woman.
8.20 The gay couple living
across the street complained
that it could have been two
snowmen instead.
8.25 The neighbours on the
left, who are vegans, complained
that the orange nose, a carrot,this
needs to be something else
because food is for eating
and not to decorate a snowman
and women with .
8.28 i am being called a racist
because the Snow couple is white.
8.31 The husband of Fatima wants
the Snow woman to wear
a headscarf.
8.40 The police arrives to see
what's going on. 8.42 I am
told that the broomstick of
the Snowman needs to be
removed because this could be
being used as a striking weapon.
8.50 The salafi jihadist militant
group Islamic state made itself
known as the Snowman.
8.52 my phone is being seized
and thoroughly checked while
I'm being blindfolded and flown
to the police station in a helicopter.
9.00 I am asked if I have any accomplices.
Done with this!!
I will never make a snowman, snow woman
or snow whatever again.
It's too dangerous!!
I wish everybody a
Merry Christmas and a
Happy New year.

[YellowDog]

________________________

[YellowDog]

Steven from Liverpool, England was touring the United States of America on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the Mojave desert of California.

He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Native American man sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.

“Who’s he?” Steven from Liverpool asked.

“That’s the Memory Man,” said the bartender. “He knows everything, remembers everything. He can remember every face he’s ever seen. He can remember any fact he hears or reads. Go and try him out.”

So Steven goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English soccer, he asks ”Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”

Memory Man; “Liverpool” replies the Memory Man.

Steven; “Who did they beat?”

Memory Man; “Leeds United” was the instant reply.

Steven; “And the score?”

Memory Man; “2-1.”

Steven; “Who scored the winning goal?”

Memory Man; “Ian St. John,” said the old man, without a hint of hesitation.

The man from Liverpool was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back.

Six years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually, he found the bar, and sitting in the same seat was the

old Native American, only this time he was older and even more wrinkled.

The Liverpudlian came close to him with the greeting “How”.

The Memory man looked at Steven and said, “Diving header in the six-yard box....”

[husaberg]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wh9amMeiRYQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMKyKS2LGyI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8pt-_kmlhM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGH3VI2eWWs

[Swoop]

This really fit girl came up to me in the pub last night.

She said, 'How does a handjob sound?'

So I pinched my cheek and shook it about.

[YellowDog]

Merry Christmas

[slofox]

Merry Christmas

Very good, YellowDog.

[roogazza]

348160348161348162

Have a fun Xmas, watch where you choose to speed as well. xxx Gaz.

[Swoop]

What a cunt of a year this has turned out to be.
Full of uncertainty, devoid of all hope, frightened to meet up with closest friends and relatives and the constant worry of not knowing where you'll be from one week to the next.

Why the fuck did I decide to become a Warriors supporter?

[roogazza]

348166

Just one more,had to !

[husaberg]

https://thoughtcatalog.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/holidayjoke.jpg?w=1920&h=1280&crop=1&resize=1920,1280&quality=95&strip=allhttps://www.w3mirchi.com/images/picture/17765-christmas-joke-image.jpghttps://pics.onsizzle.com/you-better-not-laugh-you-better-not-cry-sex-santas-17513751.png

[Swoop]

1996 Pfizer invents drug to create stiffs.
2020 Pfizer invents drug to prevent stiffs.

[Swoop]

I don't mean to brag, but I just finished a 2 week diet program in just over 8 hours.

[Swoop]

Germany: "Crematoriums are struggling to keep pace with the number of bodies piling up".

Come on Fritz, I seem to recall you used to be rather good at this type of thing!

[roogazza]

348365348366348367348368

[Swoop]

New research shows that porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

[Swoop]

Doctor : This new vaccine is perfectly harmless.

Me : You said that about Thalidomide.

Doctor : No, we said armless.

[YellowDog]

______________

[Swoop]

Just been watching women's golf on Sky.

So much like real life...

They're shit at driving but great with an iron..

[Swoop]

I'm busy following a recipe and it says "chill in the fridge for an hour."

I've got a book, some snacks and a pint but it's fucking cramped in here.




Dear TAG heuer
I’m pretty sure that if I end up 500 meters under water, I won’t need a fuckin’ watch anymore.

[Swoop]

16 sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.

[Swoop]

I've lost loads of weight just by wearing bread on my head. It's a loaf hat diet.

[Swoop]

The Queen confusing Tiger Woods with Meghan Markle is a bit over the top.

[Swoop]

World's most dangerous jobs 2021:

- Security contractor, Iraq.
- Miner, China.
- Gamekeeper, Republic of Congo.
- Harry & Meghan's chauffeur, California.

[Swoop]

I think Harry should take up painting, (if Meghan will let him of course). Then he can call himself, 'The Artist Formerly Known as Prince'.


Once upon a time, there was a girl who dreamt of being a princess This girl grew up to marry a Prince and her dream of being royalty came true... ... But as soon as she realised it would involve hard work and selfless dedication to others and not just jewellery and dresses courtesy of the tax payer, she made her excuses and left this impossibly luxurious lifestyle that most people can only dream of, to pursue a life of whining about it on telly in the most grotesquely attention seeking manner imaginable And she lived crappily ever after


Meghan Markle saw Prince Charles as a ‘second father’. Funnily enough, so did Prince Harry.


The Telegraph: Harry and Meghan tell the Queen they will not return as 'Working Royals'. Now there's an oxymoron if ever I heard one.


Can’t wait for Meghan and Harry’s interview on Ellen next week about how she was abused and bullied backstage at the Oprah Winfrey show.


Meghan Markle walks into a bar. The bartender asks “Why the long face?” He immediately regrets this question as she drones on about white privilege & the patriarchy until close of business.


Harry & Meghan didn't think about the consequences of their actions. They both have tunnel vision…

[Swoop]

So a police constable murdered and chopped up Sarah Everard then.

It's fucking P.C gone mad I tell you.

[Swoop]

"In other news, a local 27 year old woman has gone missing.

Unfortunately, we only have her online dating photo, so we have no idea what she actually looks like...."

[YellowDog]

____________________________

[YellowDog]

______________________

[YellowDog]

________________________________

[Swoop]

I was speaking to my Farmer mate today.

He told me since marrying his Gorgeous 18 year old bride he couldn't keep his hands off of her and this was causing him a major problem.

'What are you going to do?' I said.

'Well firstly I am going to divorce her. Then I will buy a combined harvester so I can sack all of my hands.'

[Swoop]

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick from a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs

[Swoop]

Following the 41 gun salute in Wellington this afternoon, the French Ambassador has phoned Cindy to surrender... just in case.

[YellowDog]

_____________________________

[Swoop]

Interviewer: "so you don't object to us contacting your previous employer just to make sure you're going to fit in here?"

Me: "not not at all, as long as I can speak to your previous employees so I can know why they left".

[roogazza]

348904348900348901348902348903

[Swoop]

"May I help you?"

"I can't see a toilet for my gender identity, only for men and women."

"Here's a tampon for you."

"But I don't have a vagina."

"Gents it is, then."

[YellowDog]

A Russian Jew named Jacob was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel. At the Moscow airport, a customs inspector found a statue of Lenin in his luggage. "What is this?" Jacob replied,
"Wrong question, comrade. You should have asked 'Who is this?' This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of Socialism and created the future prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero." The Russian customs official sent him on his way.

At Tel Aviv airport, the Israeli customs official also asked "What is this?"
"Wrong question, sir. You should be asking 'Who is this?' This, my friend, is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia. I take this statue as a reminder to curse him every day." The Israeli official sent him on his way.

When he settled in his new home, Jacob placed the statue on a table. The following evening, he invited friends and relatives to dinner. Spotting the statue, one of his cousins asked, "Who is this?" Jacob replied,
"Wrong question. You should have asked 'What is this?' This is five kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without having to pay any customs duty or tax."

Finally, a clear definition for Politics: Politics is when you can tell the same shit in different ways to fool different people and come out smelling like a rose.

[slofox]

As I get older, I find it harder to play those old computer games that I have played for many years and usually solved with my eyes shut. Bad thing?

Well, actually, no.

It saves money! It means I don't have to buy any new games. All the ones I play are totally new to me every time I play them.

Count your blessings :p

(just in case you are wondering, this is kinda true for me these days...)

[YellowDog]

________________________________

[roogazza]

348964348965348966

[Laava]

Finally I found my wifes G spot!
Her sister had it all along!

[Swoop]

Allegations of corruption have been leaked from the Professional Referees Association.

Authorities are trying to identify the whistle-blower.

[R650R]

Jacinda walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As she approaches the cashier she says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier:"It would be my pleasure Sister. Could you please show me your ID?"

Jacinda:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am jacinda Adern, leader of the labour Party and prime minister of New Zealand !!!!"

Cashier:"Yes Sister, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Jacinda : Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Ms Adern, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Jacinda :"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look ms Adern, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."

"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, ms Adern, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

Jacinda stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Ms Adern?

[mcshaz]

Remind anyone of some KB threads?349010

Sent from my Mi Note 10 Pro using Tapatalk

[Swoop]

Kids today don't know how well off they are..

I was orphaned at a young age and raised by a pack of hyenas.

No toys, no posh house, facing starvation scouring for food, but boy, did we have some laughs!

[Piper]

A pastor entered his
donkey in a race and it
won.

The pastor was so
pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race again and it won
again.

The local paper read:
PASTOR ASS OUT
FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset
with this kind of publicity
that he ordered the pastor
not to enter the donkey in
Another race.

The next day the local
paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR ASS.

This was too much for the
Bishop so he ordered the
pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to
give it to a Nun in a nearby
convent.

The local paper, hearing
of the news, posted the
following headline the
next day: NUN HAS BEST
ASS IN TOWN.

Then Bishop fainted

He informed the Nun that
she would have to get rid
of the donkey so she sold
it to a farm for $10.

The next day the paper
read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR
$10.

This was too much for
the Bishop so he ordered
the Nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the
Plains where it could run
wild.

The next day the headlines
read: NUN ANNOUNCES
HER ASS IS WILD AND
FREE.

"MORAL OF THE
STORY"... being
concerned about public
opinion can bring you
much grief and misery and
even shorten your life

So be yourself and enjoy
life stop worrying about
Everyone else's ass and
just cover your own!!!
You'll be a lot happier and
live longer!

[Piper]

A shy bloke had an
accident and had half of
his foot amputated.
On his wedding night, the newly
weds were staying at the
bride's mother's house.
It was the first time the bride
had ever seen him naked
and when she saw he had
part of his foot missing, she
let out a scream and a
gasp.
Her mother on hearing
the scream shouted
"Is everything alright
sweetheart?"
The bride shouted back
"He's got one and a half
feet!"
The mother called back
"OK luv, you come and do
the washing up, I'll take
care of him"...

[YellowDog]

_______________________________

[Swoop]

I looked down at my newly born son and as I thought of the difficulties his condition was going to cause him; the prejudices and discrimination he was going to face, and I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks.

Today's society is no place for a white able bodied male.

[Piper]

Two Crocodiles were
sitting at the side of
the river. The smaller
one turned to the bigger
one and said, "I can't
understand how you can
be so much bigger than
me. We're the same size as
kids-I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Croc,
"What have you been
eating?"

"Politicians. Same as you."

"Hmm, well where do you
catch them?"

"On the other side of the
River near parliament
car park in Canberra."

"Same here. Hmm.... How
do you catch them?" asked
the big Croc.

"Well, I crawl up under one
of their big Lexus, BMW or
Mercedes cars and wait
for one to unlock the car
door. Then I jump out, grab
them by the leg shake the
shit out of them and eat
em!"

"Ah" says the big
Crocodile, "I think I see
your problem. You're not
getting any real
nourishment. See, by the
time you finish shaking
the shit out of a politician,
there's nothing left
but an arsehole with a
briefcase."

[YellowDog]

_________________________

[george formby]

The Scottish Variant made me laugh.

Loch Doon is actually a place not a pandemic tactic. I only mention it because most of the country complained that it was too cold when they were told to go into lock down..:innocent:

[Swoop]

Vertebraes should actually be called Vertebros..

Because they always got your back.

[Swoop]

A man walks up to the Widow at a funeral and asks her if he can say a word.

"Of course", she replies.

The man plucks up the courage and says, "Bargain".

The Widow looks at him, teary eyed and says,

"Thank you so much, that means a great deal".

[YellowDog]

_____________________

[roogazza]

349161349162349163349164

[husaberg]

349166.............

[Swoop]

French president Macron has been slapped in the face by a man shouting "Montjoie Saint Denis!", the battle cry of the French army.

This is astonishing news. The French army have a battle cry?

[jim.cox]

This is astonishing news. The French army have a battle cry?

Indeed they do

"Sauve Qui Peut"

A proud tradition of use since Napoleon's Time in Russia...

[Jase H]

Indeed they do

"Sauve Qui Peut"

A proud tradition of use since Napoleon's Time in Russia...

Their other battle cry being "Je me rends".

[YellowDog]

__________________

[roogazza]

349216349217349218349219

[Swoop]

I saw this faggot wearing a wig and asked him, "Oi, Tranny boy, what do you "identify" as ?"

"A judge," he replied, as my trial got off to an abysmal start...

[Swoop]

6,000 people have signed a petition calling for Jeff Bezos to be DENIED re-entry to Earth after he launches into space next month.

Stuck in a metal box, pissing in a bottle, forever - just like his employees...

[Swoop]

I met my wife at the zoo.

The moment I saw her there, dressed head to toe in khaki and covered in animal shit, I knew she was a keeper.

[Swoop]

Police are still hunting a spectator who caused a massive pile up at the 2021 Tour De Farce.

Heroes don't always wear capes.

[Swoop]

I came home earlier and heard the wife's voice from the kitchen.
"Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,
Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's leg, and howlet's wing."

This can only mean one thing. She's been down that fucking Chinese supermarket again.

[Swoop]

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"

Have you ever considered being more interesting?

[Swoop]

The only thing Flat Earthers fear, is sphere itself!

[YellowDog]

The only thing Flat Earthers fear, is sphere itself!
____________________________________________

[Swoop]

The Tokyo Olympics should be abandoned because drug abuse is rife. It became immediately obvious at the opening ceremony, when the athletes started waving to the crowd in an empty stadium.


I watched the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games with a group of mates and we decided to drink a small glass of sake every time we heard the word 'diversity' mentioned. When I regained consciousness this morning, I discovered that three of my friends had died of alcohol poisoning.

[YellowDog]

The Tokyo Olympics should be abandoned because drug abuse is rife. It became immediately obvious at the opening ceremony, when the athletes started waving to the crowd in an empty stadium.


I watched the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games with a group of mates and we decided to drink a small glass of sake every time we heard the word 'diversity' mentioned. When I regained consciousness this morning, I discovered that three of my friends had died of alcohol poisoning.

That's very funny. It's ashame they had to throw out the Hulocaust fellow and the sexist senior executives. Surely including them would have been a plus on the diversity front :lol:

[Swoop]

The head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologised to officials on behalf of their team, after realising shooting and sailing were two separate events.

[YellowDog]

____________________

[Reckless]

This review is from:( Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml)

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.

Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ".

Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect......

[Swoop]

How can we expect Afghanis to fight for themselves?

When they can't tell the difference between an aeroplane and a train.






I saw a gorgeous blonde fall off her bike, so I went and made sure she was alright.

I couldn't believe it when she said, "I could marry you."

I mean, you help someone and then they threaten to ruin your life!

[YellowDog]

_________________

[Reckless]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
"The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

[Swoop]

Here's a simple recipe for turning leftover potato peelings, broccoli stalks and old carrots into bacon.






1. Feed them to a pig.

[Swoop]

If you're ever feeling useless and there's no point to your life.


Just remember, it took 20 years, 4 Presidents and trillions of dollars to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.

[Swoop]

My wife wasn't too well this morning so I took breakfast up to her. Bacon, sausages, eggs, beans, hash brown and tomatoes.

Just got to get the camping stove up there now so she can cook it for me.

[YellowDog]

I saw a gorgeous blonde fall off her motorbike, so I went and made sure she was alright. She was fine. I dusted her down and picked her bike up facing it up the road leaving it on the side stand for her. I said: "There you go. As good as new. Have a safe trip!"


I couldn't believe it when she said, "I could marry you."


I mean, you try to help someone with kindness and in return they threaten to ruin your life!

[Swoop]

FOR SALE: Homeless man.
Still in box.

[Swoop]

I was at the gym yesterday and this 22 year old guy was there with his extremely attractive girlfriend, and he "maxed out" on the bench press and was barely able to do one rep of 185lbs.
I got on after him and did like I usually do, several sets of 315lbs for 7 or 8 reps.
He was impressed and asked me how I was easily handling so much weight, and I replied
"When I was your age and had a girlfriend like yours I was soft and weak too, but these days you should see the fucking size of the woman that I have to manhandle in the bedroom !"

[YellowDog]

__________

[Swoop]

Afghan citizens landing at US Air Bases soon realised they had fled their homeland for a gun crazy society, a society which still enforces the death penalty and gives free rein to religious extremists.




Trump:

- Evacuate civilians
- Dispose of all the weapons
- Bring back the army

Biden:

"Let's do all of that in reverse".

[Swoop]

Today i got a memo from the HR manager, for sexual harassment..

All that happened was a female co-worker came wearing a t-shirt with the caption "GUESS"

So i said " might be 32C " ...

[Swoop]

It turns out Sikhs are allowed to ride motorcycles not wearing a crash helmet. I always thought that was a turban myth.

[Piper]

A 5-year old boy visited his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma a is
dusting. He looked up and said, "Grandma now come you
don't have a boyfriend now that Grandad went to
heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit
in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious
programs make me feel good and the comedies make me
laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma later turned on the TV, and the reception was
terrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get
the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the
backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to
open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The
minister said, "Hello son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom
banging her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

[Swoop]

Now that the Taliban control Afghanistan, the new LGBT pronouns are now "was"/"were".

[Swoop]

Community Advice Notice to parents:
With drugs, danger and crime everywhere these days, how good are you at keeping an eye on your kids? Use the McCann-Fritzl scale for your answer.

[Swoop]

I shared my home made chocolate brownies with my boss and work colleagues today.

I'd been tipped off HR may do a random drugs test later. If I'm going down every fucker's going down.

[slofox]

I shared my home made chocolate brownies with my boss and work colleagues today.

I'd been tipped off HR may do a random drugs test later. If I'm going down every fucker's going down.

I like it!

[Piper]

An Irish window cleaner is
cleaning windows when
He sees a woman inside
breastfeeding her baby.
Seeing her flustered he
tells her what a beautiful
natural sign it is and not
to be embarrassed.

He goes on to tell her
that as he is single he
has never seen a woman
feeding her baby before
and tells her that he is
intrigued with the whole
thing.

To cut along story
short, once he has her
confidence he ends up
trying sucking the breast
himself to find out what
the taste of the milk is
like.

The woman now starts
getting aroused, groans
a little as she starts to
lift up her skirt. "Is there
anything else you would
like?" she whispers.

"You don't have
Farley's rusks do you?", he
says.

[Swoop]

10 centipedes = 1 millipede
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
10 rations = 1 decoration
1 trident -1 prong = 1 decadent
2 monograms = 1 diagram
1 million microphones = 1 megaphone.

[YellowDog]

__________________

[Swoop]

If I ever win the lottery, rest assured nobody around me will be poor.

I will move to a rich neighbourhood.

[roogazza]

349668349669349670349671

[Reckless]

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.”
“Now ... We have an $800,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman.
It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain."
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

[Swoop]

In Louisiana, USA, authorities have captured a 500 lb alligator suspected of eating a local man.

Before the incident, it was a 100 lb alligator.

[YellowDog]

Get me some of that :lol:

[Swoop]

In Australia's Northern Territory, there's now one man-eating croc, for every two and a half people.

With the emphasis on the half!

[YellowDog]

__________

[R650R]

https://youtu.be/rLX6O4jg6sY

[Swoop]

In future, school shootings in Texas will be known as late abortions.

[Swoop]

My neighbour is hard to please.
Yesterday he was complaining about the length of my grass, then at four 'o' clock this morning he's complaining about the noise.

[Swoop]

I phoned my boss on Monday morning and said, 'I'm afraid I'm not going to make it in today. I've pulled something.'

He said, 'Bloody hell, it's going to be busy today. Can you walk?'

I replied, 'Sure I can. But she's insisting I take her out for breakfast.'

[Reckless]

A woman tries getting on a bus, but realizes her skirt is too tight. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, but only to discover that she couldn't.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
After becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more leg room to get on the first step of the bus.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus,
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends.

[Reckless]

Gave me a chuckle

349848

[Reckless]

The husband leans over and asks his wife,
“Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”
“Yes”, she says, “I remember it well.”
“OK”, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”
“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in…
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
“Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

[roogazza]

349866349867349868349869

[Swoop]

Has shooting begun on that new Alec Baldwin movie?



(Brace yourselves... there's plenty more coming)

[Swoop]

My 3 favourite things are eating my girlfriend and not using commas.

[YellowDog]

Has shooting begun on that new Alec Baldwin movie?

(Brace yourselves... there's plenty more coming)
_______________

[Swoop]

Halloween: when Demons and Ghouls hang out together....

... because Demons are a Ghoul's best friend.

[Swoop]

In a show of solidarity with the US Navy naming a ship in honour of a gay activist, the Royal Navy released the name of its latest warship. HMS Chutney Ferret will enter service next year.

[Swoop]

A friend had his second dose of the vaccine at a vaccination centre and began to have blurred vision on the way home.
When he got home he immediately called the people at the vaccination centre for advice and asked if he should go to a doctor or a hospital.
He was told to NOT go to a doctor or a hospital, but to return to the vaccination centre and pick-up his glasses.

[Swoop]

I once dated a chiropractor.

She was a real head-turner.

[Swoop]

US rapper Young Dolph fatally shot in Memphis whilst visiting Homemade Butter Cookies.

Fuck me, these rapper names get more bizarre every day.

[Swoop]

I woke up this morning with foul smelling breath again.

Not the most fetching name for a Native American, but she's got great tits.

[YellowDog]

_______________________

[husaberg]

https://qph.fs.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-ea67b2f544512a95d0901b4a20ec4a98-lq

[YellowDog]

_______________________________

[YellowDog]

____________________

[roogazza]

350298350299350300350301

Merry bloody Christmas all xxxxxxx

[Bikkie]

A man decided to tattoo his wife’s name on his cock. When hard it reads Wendy on the side of his shaft. When soft it only reads Wy.
On his honeymoon in Jamaica, he’s in the public bog and notices the bloke in the urinal next to him also has Wy tattooed on his cock. He asks him if his wife is also named Wendy. The bloke replies, “No man, why do you ask?”
The husband explains his Wendy tattoo. The stranger laughs and then says, “When hard, mine reads Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day”.

[Swoop]

The NSW Police have found a large number of dead crows on the Sturt Highway just outside Wagga Wagga early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological (Bird) Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike".

[husaberg]

https://qph.fs.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-becb0e8f76269bea9e7dd4fddc3e4af0

[YellowDog]

__________________

[YellowDog]

----------------

[roogazza]

350406350407350408350409350410

[husaberg]

https://qph.fs.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-e6bf6df19c1015d0c60777378d3e2716https://qph.fs.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-44c175588bb5e32c4559b24838fcda3f-lq

[husaberg]

https://qph.fs.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-3a0f2393e2d7b7db8b8e3bd1b8a8f7c4-lq

[husaberg]

https://qph.fs.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-bf8efd43849f494040037388cd700f2a

[jim.cox]

Out the door, Line on the left, One cross each

https://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/asset.php?fid=310192&uid=4565&d=1642517895

[Swoop]

The rabbi of a Texas synagogue who was taken hostage on Saturday, has described how he threw a chair at the gunman in order to allow him and other hostages to escape.

Senior members of the synagogue praised the rabbi's actions before presenting him with a bill for the broken chair.

[YellowDog]

______________

[YellowDog]

Jane(s) Bond

[Reckless]

Mrs Parks a teacher asks her 6th grade class

Which Body part increases in size 10 times when stimulated?

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said,
"You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents,
and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
"The body part that increases ten times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Excellent, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

(1) you have a dirty mind,

(2) you didn't read your homework, and

(3) one day, you are going to be very, very disappointed."

[husaberg]

News in from Disney
Six of the seven Dwarves are not Happy.

[YellowDog]

__________

[Swoop]

Fun fact: In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night. This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.

[roogazza]

350945350946350947350948

Hope I haven't sent these before ??????

[husaberg]

Putin: The warship Moskva has not sunk it has simply been reclassified as a new type of submarine and is on a special underwater operation.

[Swoop]

If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie UP, he cannot give it to you as he will never give you up.
However, in doing so, he lets you down. Thus creating the Astley Paradox.

[YellowDog]

__________________________

[Reckless]

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1833991183471710

[roogazza]

351302351303351304351305351306

[roogazza]

So an elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
😊

[roogazza]

351431xxxxxx

[YellowDog]

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[roogazza]

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[slofox]

That's a fine collection you have there...:D

[george formby]

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today and as soon as I got home it made a bolt for the door.


I recently joined a nudist colony. The first few days were the hardest.


Two cats are having a swimming race. One cat is called "one two three", the other "un Deux trois". Which cat won?

"One two three", because "un Deux trois" cat sank


They told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic but so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely.


My friend keeps saying "cheer up mate, it could be worse, you could be stuck in a hole underground full of water"

I know he means wel



Someone said my ring tone was offensive and I should change it. Isn't anal bleaching expensive?

[Reckless]

Charlie was invited to his friend and wife’s house.
They were eating dinner when Charlie dropped his napkin. He reached down to pick it up and he saw that the wife had her legs wide open with no panties on. Quite flustered Charlie excused himself from the table and went to the kitchen.

To his utter surprise the wife came in and said: “did you like what you saw?”
Charlie smiled and said “yes” he looked towards where the husband was sat in the other room.
“Well come tomorrow at lunch and bring $500 and you can explore the rest”, the wife said.
Charlie knew that he couldn’t afford to spend the night with her.
“Okay, but what about your husband?”
The wife gave out a little sigh and said: “oh don’t worry about him, he’ll be at work”
The next day Charlie turned up to the wife’s house with the money and banged her. Charlie left and the husband came back home.
He asked: “Did Charlie come over today?”
Thinking she had been caught she said: “yes” The husband carried on: “did he give you the whole $500?” “Yes”.
The husband let out a huff: “phewww, he came by my work today and asked me for a loan, he didn’t tell me why but I gave it to him and he said he would drop it off with you around lunch”.

[Reckless]

A couple drove their car to the store, only to have it break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[george formby]

I went to the doctors yesterday and he told me that I had to stop masturbating.


I asked him why and he said - "because I'm trying to examine you."

[YellowDog]

_______________

[roogazza]

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[YellowDog]

______________________

[YellowDog]

____________________

[george formby]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20221226/f7256980a8ebd03de09ba5f841075383.jpg

[george formby]

https://www.trapshooters.com/cdn-cgi/image/format=auto,onerror=redirect,width=1920,height=192 0,fit=scale-down/https://www.trapshooters.com/attachments/1672294846849-png.1846495/

[roogazza]

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[roogazza]

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[YellowDog]

_____________________

[Bikkie]

A young woman walks into a chartered accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her tax returns.

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.” He gets her name, address etc. and then asks, “What’s your occupation?”

“I’m a prostitute,” she says.

The accountant is taken aback and says, “That’s too gross. Let’s try to re-phrase that.”

The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl.”

“No, that still won’t work. Need something more acceptable.”

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite poultry farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What does poultry farming have to do, with being a prostitute?”

“Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.”

Chartered Accountant : “Brilliant!! ‘Poultry farmer’ it is! and agricultural income is tax-free.”

[Reckless]

A woman meets an elderly man in a bar.
They talk: they connect: they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It’s obvious that he’s taken time to lovingly arrange them, and she’s immediately touched by the amount of thought he’s put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn’t mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after a while, she finds herself thinking, “Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!”
Maybe he could be the future father of my children? She turns to him and kisses him lightly.
He responds warmly, they continue to kiss,the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She’s so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she’s ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they lie together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
“Well how was it?” The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
“Help yourself to any prize from the Middle Shelf.”

[husaberg]

https://i.chzbgr.com/full/9696182528/h966C6845https://magazine.education.investing.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/Article-Image-VintageAds-The-Colonel-Holiday-Three-way.jpeghttps://magazine.education.investing.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/Article-Image-VintageAds-Will-She.jpeg

[roogazza]

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[roogazza]

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[husaberg]

https://scontent.fchc2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/67636971_761325284282817_2192287385327239168_n.jpg ?_nc_cat=108&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=2c4854&_nc_ohc=ywz0-_YRkg4AX9JeNqy&_nc_ht=scontent.fchc2-1.fna&oh=00_AfCDUMuDRTr2RG4w0S6Dc2R5ibu4sL5VKvZpvSF-VB5AKA&oe=6497C967https://i.pinimg.com/originals/57/a4/52/57a4528a6d5f261609bf86eec7bc9b83.jpg
https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTsSR9_1u1mKb8qjg1ey5-USGYj6Q73IMI6NQ&usqp=CAUhttps://artandhome.net/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Dad-Jokes-Meme-6.jpg

[YellowDog]

________________________

[roogazza]

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[YellowDog]

__________________

[Reckless]

A Woman was walking past a pet shop
A sign in the window said "Parrott Super special must go"!
The woman went in. Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of call girl, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
“New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that’s really not so bad.
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said,
“New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Keith.”

[Reckless]

Gave me a giggle :)

353822

[Piper]

Max. This I Richard, next door.
I've been riddled with
guilt for a few months and
have been trying to get
up the courage to tell you
face-to-face. When you're
not around, I've been
sharing your wife, day
and night, probably much
more than you. I haven't
been getting it at home
recently. I know that's no
excuse. The temptation
was just too great. I can't
live with the guilt and hope
you'll accept my sincere
apology and forgive me.
Please suggest a fee for
usage and I'll pay you.
Regards
Richard

Max, feeling enraged and
betrayed, grabbed his gun,
went next door, and shot
Richard dead. He returned
home, shot his wife,
poured himself a stiff
drink and sat down on the
sofa. Max then looked at
his phone and discovered
a second text message
from Richard.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE :

Hi, Max Richard here
again. Sorry about the
typo on my last text. I
assume you figured it
out and noticed that the
darned Spell-Checker had
changed "Wi-Fi" to "wife".
Technology, huh? I'll be
the death of us all.

[YellowDog]

___________________________

[roogazza]

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[roogazza]

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