Friday jokes

[5150]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

[5150]

One day a Florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'.

The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'.
The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door.

An Indian Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and barber replies; I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what.......... he finds there - A Dozen Indians waiting for a free Haircut......

[5150]

A Typical Life After Marriage

A techie woman writes to the IT Technical support.....

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 , and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0 , MONEY 3.0 and ESPN 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?



The IT Help Desk Responds

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly (Beta version).

Whatever you do, DO NOT in any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

[Swoop]

Sometimes there's no nicer feeling than pissing into a bottle.

But other times I hate my job at Dominion Breweries.

[Swoop]

You'll never see a church with free Wi-Fi.

I guess it's because they don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

[5150]

42 things you should probably never say to a Police Officer

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)


Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.


Aren't you the guy from the Village People?


Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!


Are You Andy or Barney?


Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?


You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?


If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight.


Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!


Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.


I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.


When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"


What? You need a license to drive?


Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!


Is your power a penis substitute?


Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.


Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.


Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.


Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?


A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind.


I pay your salary!


Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?


Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.


Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.


Thanks Officer, that last cop only gave me a warning, too.


My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal.


Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!


Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?


You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me.


In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?


I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.


Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?


Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either.


Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut.


Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?


Do you have any idea who you're talking to?


There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.


What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really, there is no blood in my alchohol.


That uniform makes your ass look really big.


You don't happen to have any beer in your car?


I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.


So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?

[5150]

A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign.
"May I see your driver's license and registration please."

"What's the problem, officer?"

"You just ran that stop sign back there."

"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."

"You gotta be kidding me!"

"It's no joke, sir."

"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and"

"You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"

"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately."

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."

The policeman had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.

"Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?





Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes, 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Oh my God!! And I bet the lying bastard also told you I was speeding!

[5150]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by acouple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately somereally bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'. 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news? 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

[5150]

Kiwi Jokes



A tour bus full of tourists stops by a farmer holding a sheep. One of them calls out "are you shearing?".
The farmer yells back, in an unhappy tone 'NO, Fuck off and get your own!'


Why does New Zealand have some of the fastest race horses in the world?
Because the horses have seen what they do with their sheep


A tourist from the US was driving around NZ. He was a bit tired and thought he needed somewhere to stay the night before getting to Queenstown. Then out of the darkness ran a bull, he couldn't avoid it, drove into it and killed it. He was still able to drive the car, so feeling guilty he drove to the farm house. He knocked on the door, The farmer answered the door. The American said 'Im very sorry but I've killed your bull and would like to replace it.'
The farmer said 'No dramas mate, go around the back you'll find all the cows in the shed, go for your life'



An Elephant, a penguin and a kiwi walk into a Central Otago Pub. 'Whats going on?' asks the bartender suspiciously. 'Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?'

[5150]

An Australian ventriloquist visitingNew Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to a local ,
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements..'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a fucking liar.

[kevfromcoro]

if you get bored try this
just send this mesage of to anay random numa

you will be suprised the replys ya get..................

ok
i have buried the body
what do we do now?

[dino3310]

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a
job..

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK,
so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people
average 20 or 30 sales a day.


How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you
sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook
and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the
coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the
boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me....a guy came
in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady
friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's buggered mate, you might as well go
fishing.'

[5150]

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX – When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX – After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX – After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “FUCK YOU”

COURTROOM SEX – When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.

[YellowDog]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole the thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
________________________________________
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... She's 21 and her name's Courtney.
________________________________________
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
________________________________________
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
________________________________________
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, the lot.."
________________________________________
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
________________________________________
A man calls 111 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
________________________________________

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
________________________________________

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
________________________________________
There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.
________________________________________
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented IPod after realizing that "ITouch Kids" is not a good product name.
________________________________________

[Swoop]

Apparently "50 Shades of Grey" is the first book in history where there is no need for it's readers to lick their fingers to turn the pages.

50 shades of grey is quite an easy read. I heard most women just flicked through it...

[5150]

After 20 years of marriage, I'm developing an attachment for my wife.

It fits over her mouth.

[5150]

Two nerds are riding along on a tandem, when suddenly, the one on the front slams on the brakes, gets off and starts letting air out of the tires.

The one on the back says: "HEY! What are you doing that for!?"

The first nerd says, "My seat was too high and was hurting my butt. I wanted to lower it a bit."

So the one in the back has had enought. He jumps off, loosens his own seat and spins it round to face the other direction.

Now it's the first guy's turn to wonder what's going on. "What are you doing?" he asks his friend.

"Look mate," says the rider in the back, "if you're going to do stupid stuff like that, I'm going home!!"

[5150]

A Honda rider, a Ducati rider and a Harley Davidson rider were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze after a long day’s ride. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them, impounding their bikes in the process. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Harley Davidson rider was first in line (he had drunk the most), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Harley Davidson rider had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Ducati rider was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said: "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through. The Ducati rider had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Honda rider was the last one up (he had drunk the least), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: "You ride a Honda. You support the greatest motorcycle and car producer in the world. I myself ride a Fireblade and have many Acuras in my fleet. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal highness", the Honda rider replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes!"

"Not only are you an honorable and powerful man, you are also very brave" the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Harley Davidson rider to my back." The Honda rider replied.

[YellowDog]

Venus Williams has blamed her first round exit at wimbledon to the balls not bouncing correctly.

May I suggest she should try wearing better fitting underwear :killingme

[nadroj]

A vagina is a very small hotel.




You have to leave your bags outside!

[5150]

Proof that men name their penises

John Key's pet name for his penis is Bill English

[5150]

So I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a copper writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on mate, how about giving a bloke a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse f*cker. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a shit, my car was parked around the corner...

[5150]

265819



Curious to see how Audi will develop a way to get the motor mounted ahead of the front wheel on the next Ducatis.

[Swoop]

Venus Williams has blamed her first round exit at wimbledon to the balls not bouncing correctly.

May I suggest she should try wearing better fitting underwear

Repost! From the same blimmin' thread, as well.
Page 100, post 1497.

Time to lift your game!:rofl:

[<G>]

When 3 people have sex, it's called a threesome
When 2 people have sex, it's called a twosome
Now I understand why they call you handsome

[5150]

Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

[Swoop]

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small garden."

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

A coach load of paddy’s on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake
to guess where they were going..... the driver won £52!

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her wit me!"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

[Yow Ling]

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.



Repost, what a dick you posted the same joke before.
http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php/94852-Tuesday-jokes-thread!?p=1981762#post1981762

Time to lift your game

[Swoop]

Repost, what a dick you posted the same joke before.
http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php/94852-Tuesday-jokes-thread!?p=1981762#post1981762

Time to lift your game
At least it wasn't within a week. I will, however, give myself ten uppercuts and a firm thrashing.

[5150]

So the other night I was sitting at home watching my old wedding dvd. It was a great feeling to rewind and watch in reverse the part when she walks backwards out of the church, gets in the limo and fucks off.....:shifty:

[Stirts]

Apparently the marriage ran into problems when Katie tried to grab Toms cock in bed...

"nobody tosses a dwarf!"


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was announced today that Tom Cruise is to star in a new movie - Marriage Impossible III


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


It's hardly news that Tom Cruise prefers cocks.

Most cunts do.

[5150]

I'm sure Tom Cruise is so stressed out. Maybe Travolta can recommend a good masseur.

[oneofsix]

Tom wont be getting Katie to give him a rub down, she is too busy rubbing him up the wrong way.

[Virago]

So the other night I was sitting at home watching my old wedding dvd. It was a great feeling to rewind and watch in reverse the part when she walks backwards out of the church, gets in the limo and fucks off.....:shifty:

Have you tried watching porn in reverse? For some reason it always starts with the guy "hoovering" cum of the girl's face...

[YellowDog]

Paddy goes to America for the 1st time. Walking up 5th Avenue, he sees a building on fire and rushes over to see people stuck at the 4th floor windows.

He shouts up, “Oi'm Paddy-John Dara O'Neill, the Oirish rugby player! Jump and Oi'll catch ye’s”.

A girl jumps out and Paddy catches her.

A guy jumps and Paddy gets him too.

Then a black guy jumps and Paddy lets him hit the concrete, then shouts up,

“Come on now folks, there's no point t’rowin down the burnt ones!!

[5150]

Read each of the following lines out loud.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an old cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now, go back and read the THIRD word in each line, starting at the top.

[Swoop]

I was pulled over by the police last night.
"Have we had a drink tonight sir?" He asked.
"Yes officer." I replied. "I've had 12 pints of Steinlager."
"Ok then sir,could you just blow into this for me. I think it's pretty obvious what the result will be."
"Just as I thought." He said, taking back the breathalyser and studying it."Enjoy the rest of your journey sir,and get that bloody brake light fixed."

[Swoop]

A MESSAGE TO ALL JUSTIN BEIBER HATERS.

I owe my life to Justin.

On March 9th, 2012 I was in a coma for 6 months following a terrible car crash.

One day the nurse turned on the radio and Justin Beiber was playing.

In that split second, I got out of bed and turned off the radio.

[5150]

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.
The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mike. "Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?" Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week. "Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?" Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. "I'll try the easier part first." The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half." The audience silenced with gross anticipation. "Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"

[5150]

There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Red Head and they had a competition to swim breaststroke across the English Channel. So off they went.15 hours later the Brunette and the Red Head got out of the water. 5 hours later the Blonde got out of the water. 'I want to protest. I want a judge,' she screamed 'What for,' they asked. 'You two used your arms.'

"I am not at all satisfied with the evidence against you," said the magistrate to the prisoner on trial, "so I shall find you not guilty. You are discharged." " Oh, good," said the prisoner, " does that mean that I can keep the money?"

Mrs. Smith’s elderly husband doesn't feel well so she takes him to the dr. Mr. Smith leaves her in the waiting room for a while. Finally the Dr. comes and says, "Mrs. Smith I’m sorry to tell you that your husband is going to die." Mrs. Smith says, "Dr. is there anything I can do?" the Dr. told her "well there is a couple of things you could do: First you could cook him a wonderful dinner every night. Second you could give him a nice back rub every night. Third you could make love to him like you never have before every night." Mrs. Smith says ok. A little while later Mr. Smith comes out and asks Mrs. Smith "what did the Dr. say?" Mrs. Smith says, "I’m sorry honey but you are going to die."

Billy's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part. Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Did you know heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They're separated by a big chain linked fence. One day hell was having a party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and went over to find the fence smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said, "Look Satan you have to fix this fence." Satan agreed. The next day the fence was as good as new, but it was two feet further into heaven than it was before. "Satan," beckoned God, "you have to put that fence back where it belongs." "Yeah and what if I don't?" replied Satan. "I'll said you if I have to," said God. "Sure," laughed Satan, "where are you gonna find a lawyer?"

One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."


An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running. A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died. Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer, "I think I'm planting them too deep."

[Marmoot]

A MESSAGE TO ALL JUSTIN BEIBER HATERS.

I owe my life to Justin.

On March 9th, 2012 I was in a coma for 6 months following a terrible car crash.

One day the nurse turned on the radio and Justin Beiber was playing.

In that split second, I got out of bed and turned off the radio.

This joke is from the future?

[Swoop]

This joke is from the future?
I came out of the coma on that day.:rolleyes:


The life of a comedian isn't an easy one...

[MSTRS]

I still love to spoil my wife. When she works late she calls me before leaving the office. Then I will run her hot water, stir the bubbles just right so that as soon as she gets in, she can start the dishes!

[YellowDog]

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as 'English Weather'.

Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather' -partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

[Swoop]

I was travelling on the motorway when I spotted a police officer next to a speed camera.

I was flashed as I went past but I kept riding.

The police officer hopped on his bike and signalled me to pull over as he followed behind.

I stopped on the hard shoulder and the police officer walked up to me.

He said, "Hello Sir, I was wondering if you liked the look of my arse back there." :crazy:

[BoristheBiter]

Read each of the following lines out loud.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an old cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now, go back and read the THIRD word in each line, starting at the top.

yeah what idiot's, it only takes 20 seconds.

[5150]

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, you have never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing... but it was dark and I didn't land."

[Juzz976]

I got a new Rolex for my birthday from the hot lesbian girls next door; I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

3 mice in a pub having a discussion about who the hardest mouse is.1st mouse says he is."i go up to mousetraps,rip the chease out,and as the bar comes down i bench press it 30 times and throw it accross the room!"2nd mouse says "you fag!i get rat poison,crush it into powder and snort it".the 3rd mouse finishes his pint and gets up and walks to the door."where are you going?ask the other 2."im going home to fuck the cat!"

what's the odd one out : a woman, a fridge, awashing machine & a microwave oven.---the microwave it's the only one that doesn't leak when it's fucked.

[munster]

"Give it to me" she screamed "I'm so fucking wet. I want it now!"

She could scream all the wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

[Hinny]

Guy goes to the Doc and says "Doc, I've got a sex problem.
Doc says "What's up?"
The guy says,"My wife wakes me at 5am for a 2hr shag before work.
Doc nods and is about to speak when the guy says: "That's not all, on the train there's a blonde conductress who lets me off paying if I give her a shag".

"I see", says the Doc,

"No you don't, cos then at work I've gotta fuck my female boss just to keep my job, my secretary so she won't blab about me shaggin' the boss; the waitress at the local restaurant so she'll keep our table, the conductress on the way home and then my wife the minute I get in the door.".

Quite taken back the Doc asks "So what exactly is the problem"?

"Well ",says the guy, "It hurts when I wank".

[MSTRS]

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favourite rooster was old Jacob and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Jacob's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Jacob had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Trevor was so proud of Jacob, he entered him in the Polokwane Country Fair and Jacob became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded Jacob the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well. Clearly Jacob was a Pulletician in the making. Who else but a Pulletician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention...

[YellowDog]

Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
And kindness.
One afternoon, the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter'

[JATZ]

I know it's not Friday, but....

Just had a parcel from Holland, when I opened it, it was a rubber fanny, that's nice I thought, two lips from Amsterdam.

xxxxxxxxxxx

My dad worked on the roadworks for twenty years before he got fired for stealing! At first I didn't believe it... but when I got home all the signs were there

xxxxxxxxxx

Kids know far too much these days. Today in the doctors waiting room, a little girl had her Barbie and Ken dolls imitating the doggy position. I told her, " If you keep doing that, you'll end up with lots of little baby dolls." She replied, "I don't think so. dickhead he's doing her up the arse!"

xxxxxxxxxx

A Muslim goes to heaven, "sorry we don't have your lot in here." Says Peter. The Muslim complains, "but I've lead a good and generous life, last week I gave ten pounds to a hungry tramp, then ten pounds to a homeless shelter and ten pounds to age concern." Peter says he will have a word with God. After five minutes Peter returns and says, "OK, I've spoken with God and he agrees with me, here's your thirty quid back, now fuck off!"

xxxxxxxxxx

Two men are at the opposite side of the world but are thinking the exact same thing.. One is walking a tightrope between two skyscrapers, the other is having a blowjob from an 85 year old woman...What are they both thinking? Don't look down, don't look down...

xxxxxxxxxxx

I'm fed up with the excuses women come out with to avoid having sex; "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I’m your sister...

xxxxxxxxxxx

I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking weed. She was known as oral high Jean.

xxxxxxxxxx

A woman died of diarrhoea today after having anal sex with six men in a vintage car. Police said it was a pretty shitty gang bang

Xxxxxxxxxx

My girlfriend says that a small penis won’t affect our relationship. Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all!

xxxxxxxxxx

I was on a train this morning, in the loo, having a shit, when a voice called out "Can I see your ticket please?" "Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a shit."
"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door." "No Probs," I said. "The yellow bits are sweet corn!"

xxxxxxxxxx

My son asked me today "What's the difference between a crow and a blackbird?" I told him, "Crows have somewhat heavier beaks, fan shaped tails and live on insects. A blackbird has big rubbery lips, a fat arse and lives on benefits."

[MSTRS]

Statistics, eh...

50% of newly weds want to try anal sex.
Or put another way, 100% of grooms do...

[MSTRS]

Mabel and Fred were in bed, having a 'session'.
Mabel starts complaining that she didn't have an orgasm, so Fred asks her what he should do.
She says "Just use your imagination".
So Fred imagined that she'd had one, then he rolled over and went to sleep.

[Swoop]

Do magazines really have to add "Alive" to "Sexiest Woman", or am I just grossly underestimating the number of necrophiliacs in the world?

[swtfa]

I was in Australia with my wife recently, when she was stung on the fanny by a wasp. I phoned a local doctor, who was a bit of a laid back, surfer type,
"Doc, please help me".
"Hey, what's up man?"
"My wife has been stung on her vagina and it's completely closed up".
"Bummer dude".
"Thanks Doc, bye".

[george formby]

CONDOM HISTORY

Interesting piece of history!

In 1272, the Arabic Islamic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Don't thank me, I do this as a public service for the advancement of Education.

[Swoop]

*Warning for those of a soft-cock nature*
"Too soon" is not measurable, so if you are easily offended, come back and read this post in a month or a year's time. Don't fucking whine.









You wouldn't steal a car.
You wouldn't steal a film.

So why download a movie?
Because I don't like getting shot at whilst eating popcorn...




Spoiler Alert: Someone gets shot in the new Batman movie.




I was going to watch the new Batman film in Colorado, but I'm going to wait a few days for the crowds to die down.



First Heath Ledger dies, now this...
Hell of a marketing team over at Warner Bros.



So the man who killed 12 people at a screening of the Dark Knight in Colorado yesterday claims he is 'The Joker'
Well ironically, when he ends up in prison, he'll be walking like a penguin.



Apparently they've already started shooting for the next Batman film... or did I hear that wrong?



A second cinema in Denver was hit this morning when a woman dressed head to toe in black latex stormed into a screening of the new Batman film and killed five audience members with her whip.
Police have said that they can't rule out more copycatwoman killings.



How the hell did James Holmes manage to sneak four guns, two gas canisters and a bunch of ammunition into a movie theater?

Just last week, I got caught trying to smuggle in a bag of Pick n Mix and some Maltesers.



The Jewish version of 'Things to do in Denver When Your Dead':
Finish watching the The Dark Knight Rises while eating other peoples popcorn, then go out to the ticket booth and demand a refund.



'Police in hunt, for Batman shooting accomplice'
Are they going to release photo-fit of Robin?




I know the Batman massacre was a terrible thing, but I'm looking on the bright side.
At least front row seats will be cheaper now!

[MSTRS]

Mickey's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting in front of the mirror applying the 'miracle' products she asked "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Mickey replied "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen and your figure, twenty five".
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Mickey interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet".

[MSTRS]

The wife asked me what I was doing on the internet last night. I told her I was looking for flights. "I love you!" she said and then she got all excited. That night we had the most amazing sex ever... which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.

[Swoop]

I got banned from Whitcoulls today for moving all the 'Caution - Wet Floor' signs to the '50 Shades of Grey' shelf.

[Maha]

Parents using text speak is the opposite of LOL.

[Stirts]

I've taken up extreme sports lately, I went parachuting, cliff diving, then bungee jumping. Next I plan to watch the new Batman film, wish me luck... :pinch:

[Swoop]

When my wife told me Scandinavian languages don't have the letter 'R' I immediately thought...

No way!

[Geeen]

When my wife told me Scandinavian languages don't have the letter 'R' I immediately thought...

No way!

That took a bit, but I finally got it :weird::facepalm:

[Stirts]

A man sat crying one day...
His wife said "What's wrong dear?"

To which the man replied "I'm home sick"
His wife said "Home sick? You are home!"

"Yeah I know" said the man "but im fucking sick of it!!"

[oneofsix]

Scotsman walks up into a Public Library and asks the Librarian "dey ye hae any books on suicide?

to which she stops what shes doing and says "Buggeroff, ye'll no bring it back"

[Stirts]

Girl flashed by Scotsman - "Oh that's gruesome"

Scotsman - "Gi' it a touch love an' it'll gruesome more"

[MSTRS]

After a night of drugs, drink and dancing I got pulled over by the police in the early hours of the morning. As I stumbled out of my car the copper started checking my number plate, got on his radio and said "Charlie, Whiskey, Tango". I thought "How the fuck does he know what I've been doing tonight...?"

[YellowDog]

Dear Sir:

The results from the laboratory confirm that the red ring around your penis was not cancerous. It was lipstick.
We apologise for the amputation.


Regards,
Dick Less, MD, F.R.C.s.

[YellowDog]

A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister..

Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government


We are here to take care
of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will
consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother,
we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and
see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit.'

[Daffyd]

When my wife told me Scandinavian languages don't have the letter 'R' I immediately thought...

No way!

Took me a while too. I was looking for the dirty bit!

[Swoop]

The head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologised to officials on behalf of their team after realising that shooting and sailing were two separate events.




Also, having watched the London 2012 Opening Ceremony, I must say that I've seen better Bond girls.

[Swoop]

..........
267267

[Swoop]

I am hoping that this week I will lift our country's Olympic gold medal tally significantly.
In the best of East London traditions I will be robbing Chinese athletes at knife point.

[Stirts]

My mate asked me: "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?"

After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:

"Chinese," I replied.

[5150]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband
starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and
says 'Sorry honey, I've got a gynocologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband feels rejected and turns over. A few minutes
later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you
have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

[Swoop]

There has been speculation that 16-year-old Chinese swimming sensation Ye Shiwen used performance-enhancing drugs to achieve her Olympic gold medal. However, a semen sample she provided after the race has shown that this is untrue.

[5150]

German female body building olympic contender Anna Bolick was accused of taking banned body enchancment stereoids. She denied all accusations, untill the final when she did a squat, and a testice popped out of her costume

[Stirts]

I got my Tax Return "Returned"!

I was trying to get a jump on doing my taxes this year, but the IRD sent my Tax Return back!!
I guess it was because of my response to the line, which said:
"List All Dependents"... I replied

1/2 million illegal immigrants, 1/4 million junkies, 2 million unemployable people on the Dole, 10,000 people in prisons throughout NZ, and over 120 fools in Parliment.

Apparently, this was NOT acceptable. So I sent it back with a question...


"Did I forget someone?"

[Stirts]

BREAKING NEWS - Korean badminton players Chee-Tin-Fuk and Net-Tu-Hai disqualified from the Olympics.

[MSTRS]

Ewan McDonald's alternative charge...operating a home-kill business without the proper permit.

[Stirts]

3 virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period. Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: “Nescafe”.
Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:
“Good till the last drop”. Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Rothmans”.
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack:
“Extra Long. King Size”. She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand . Mum waited for a week,
nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still nothing. A card
finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand,
“Air New Zealand “...
Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst,
and finally found the ad for Air NZ.



267494
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

[MSTRS]

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "OK Simpson," says the investigator "You were near the scene - what happened?" "Well, it's like this. Old Charley was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up". "He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror "How long had he been with the company?" "About 20 years, sir" "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done".
"It was, sir".

[swtfa]

When my wife heard I was taking yoga she said
"I know this has something to do with one of your sexually perverted fantasies".
I was so taken back by her accusation... I nearly choked on my cock

[YellowDog]

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

[rainman]

Husband comes home to find his wife packing her bags, so he asks what's going on. "I'm moving to Thailand", says she, "I've just found out I can get paid $400 a night there for what I do for you for free!"

He walks over to the closet and pulls out a bag and starts packing too. "Where are you going?", she asks.

"Thailand. I want to see how you live on $800 a year".

[Road kill]

Was at the local pool last week an thought I'd take a sneaky leak in the deep end.
Fucking life guard blew his whistle so loud I got such a fright I damn near fell in.

[YellowDog]

The phone rings, and the wife answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight asshole with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

:killingme

[Swoop]

I see the Aussies aren't doing very well in the Olympics.
But then if they could run, they wouldn't have been Australians in the first place.






Why are Aussies so good at batting in cricket?
It's the only game they could master wearing handcuffs.

[Swoop]

It's been two days since Curiosity landed on Mars.

Cats of the world have rejoiced and can sleep with both eyes closed, safe in the knowledge that the notorious serial killer can't touch them for a while.






NASA's next probe is going to be called the Bi-curiosity rover. It's expected to go to Mars, but is also open to exploring Uranus.

[Stirts]

It's been two days since Curiosity landed on Mars.

And already the first photo has come back ...

267910

[Stirts]

A guy calls the company and orders their 5 day - 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me'....

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kgs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5day - 10kg program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck..

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me'....


Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kgs, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day - 25kg program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck...

The sign reads 'If I catch you, you're mine.'....

He lost 31kgs that week.

[MSTRS]

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century, old man!" he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad".
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it!

[Swoop]

Yesterday my boss put me in charge of discrimination in the workplace, I've got off to a flyer on my first morning!

So far I've called a black guy Kunta Kinte, a Chinese guy a Gook and told the receptionist to get her tits out. :drool:

[YellowDog]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...........

[Virago]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

[Smifffy]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

[Smifffy]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
;)

[Virago]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
;)

Where's the punchline? Don't leave us in suspense...

[Marmoot]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

[YellowDog]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[MSTRS]

Where's the punchline?

Virago? Meet I-pad.
I-pad? Meet Virago.
*WHAP!!!!*

That what you meant?
:devil2:

[Madness]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...........

[bogan]

I hit a fly with a ipad...


oh wait; dammit, I always get the delivery wrong. I bet it was one you'd never heard too :rolleyes:

[huff3r]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, them famdangled things don't do a very good job of wiping yer arse when the loo papers all out!

[george formby]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
It was quite hard to light but burned for ages & was really hot.
:facepalm:

[Smifffy]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
Should last for ages in the bottom of the budgie cage without going soggy.

[YellowDog]

<iframe width="640" height="480" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/AGVTp7eCWBo" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
_________________________________________________

[Berries]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
Call me an old man? You cunt.

[Swoop]

A graduate is unable to find the right job, so he is forced to start work in a factory.

"Right," says the foreman. "See that broom over there? Grab it and sweep the factory floor."

"But, but ..." stammers the graduate, "... I've been to university!"

"Oh sorry," says the foreman. "Speak to Hemi over there, he'll show you how to hold it."

[5150]

A graduate is unable to find the right job, so he is forced to start work in a factory.

"Right," says the foreman. "See that broom over there? Grab it and sweep the factory floor."

"But, but ..." stammers the graduate, "... I've been to university!"

"Oh sorry," says the foreman. "Speak to Hemi over there, he'll show you how to hold it."

He should have used his iPad ;)

[Daffyd]

Jack and Jill took a job in a warehouse. A month later the boss called Jill into his office.

"Things have tightened up since you started. I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

"You'd better Jack off; I've got a headache!"

[Daffyd]

A wealthy Italian business man and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to
their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says
she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get
a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more
wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in
the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank
accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous
babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[bogan]

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants???' She hit me.

---------------------------------

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative .

------------------------------------

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

-----------------------------------


How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

-------------------------------------------------

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

-----------------------------------------------

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

--------------------------------------------

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?


---------------------------------------

Don't argue with an idiot;
people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

--------------------------------------

Wouldn't you know it. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

-----------------------------------------

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
A completely brilliant question!!!

------------------------------------


Bumper sticker of the year:

'If you can read this, thank a teacher - and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

---------------------------------------

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?


----------------------------------------

And remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

[Swoop]

Liam Gallagher, Russell Brand, George Michael, Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell...

Fuck, it's a good job they don't do drug tests for the closing ceremony!








Despite the Games ending, the IOC have announced that Great Britain have been awarded a late gold medal.

Soundman, Billy Smith said, "I'm really honoured but all I did was hit mute on Victoria Beckham's microphone."

[crazyhorse]

My wife, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out.
After finishing, I left to take
care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up,
she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
She wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
She tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."

[slofox]

Turpentine vs. Holy Water

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine...

He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world;

it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.

If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub this turpentine on a cat's arse,

he'll pass a Harley Davidson.'

[5150]

Mum, I am pregnant again. It must be something in the air...


Yup, your fucking legs.....

[Swoop]

A Jew goes into the synagogue and starts praying to the lord.
He says "please lord, I'm up to my neck in debt, I owe loads of people loads of money, please let me win the lottery this week!"

The week passes and he doesn't win the lottery, so he goes back to the synagogue and starts praying again "Lord, please! It's getting worse, I need to win the lottery this week! Make it happen!"

Another week passes and he doesn't win the lottery, so he returns to the temple and gets on his knees and starts praying "Lord, stop being such a tight-fisted bastard, you have to let me win the lottery!" Suddenly, the clouds part, a beam of light shines down, and God says to the Jew,
"For fuck sake Eric, meet me halfway! At least buy a bloody lottery ticket!"

[YellowDog]

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women ahead of them is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it! another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

:killingme

[MSTRS]

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle". "Do you think it will work?" she asks. "It's worth a try" he says.

So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says "Father, you're not going to believe this". "What?" asks the priest "what happened?" "You gave birth to a child!" "But that's impossible!" says the priest. "I just did the operation" insists the doctor "it's a miracle! Here's your baby".

Fifteen years go by and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father". The son says "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father"...

[Swoop]

President Obama's pledge to have the most transparent administration in history has come true.

Thanks to WikiLeaks.

[Swoop]

The Duke Of Edinburgh has expressed his disappointment at photos of a naked Prince Harry in Vegas.
"What did you do with that Nazi outfit I bought you?" he asked the Prince.




''One could of died'' said the Queen commenting on the recent nude photos of Prince Harry.
''If fucking only...'' Prince Charles muttered.




Prince Harry doesn't have much luck, does he?
His step-dad was a Muslim, his mum died, he got photographed dressed as a Nazi, was caught smoking pot and is now hated by all of Asia.

Still, it could be worse; I mean, at least he's not ginger...

Ah, right...






I always thought the Crown Jewels were kept in the Tower of London, not in a Las Vegas hotel room.

[flyingcrocodile46]

Q. What do you call an Australian with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
A. Bisexual.

Q. What's the difference between a Aussie boy and a Aussie girl?\
A. A Aussie girl has a higher sperm count.

Q. What's the most confusing day in Australia?\
A. Fathers day

[YellowDog]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 notes. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks - but he doesn't make a face - and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight - then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

[Swoop]

My gold plated butt-plug business is being sued by Apple.

Apparently they have a patent for overpriced crap for arseholes.

[MSTRS]

In the pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Answer. Throw in your washing. We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said "I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits". I said "Sorry mate did he drown?" "No" he said... "he choked on a sock"...

[YellowDog]

http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb93/andwend/Faceless.jpg

[Swoop]

Apparently, Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon...
...and follow them up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."




RIP Neil Armstrong. The man responsible for the United States' most unique achievement: planting the Stars and Stripes somewhere without having to kill anyone.




What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, Michael Jackson fucked kids.




As a tribute, I have named my penis Neil Armstrong.
It goes up like a rocket and comes down with a splash.

[Daffyd]

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday so I went to the local pet shop and they were $90. "No way," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

[Daffyd]

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown!"

[Swoop]

Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.

[Stirts]

Michael Clarke Duncan who starred in the movie "the Green Mile" passed away suddenly.

I bet he wishes he didn't waste his powers on that fucking mouse now!

[Stirts]

<img src="http://www.pics22.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/if-you-dont-like-our-sense-of-humor.jpg"></img>

[5150]

269474

:whistle:

[ellipsis]

A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly.
The pilot speaks over the intercom ...
" I'm sorry it has come to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to
jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne ".
Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's altitude continues to decrease.
Once again the pilot gets on the intercom,
"I hate to do this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to start off-loading some passengers.
The only fair way is to do this Alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'".
"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?"
There was no answer so the pilot calls, "The next letter is *B* for 'Black people', are there any black people on board?"
Again silence. "Next letter is "C" - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?"
Still there is silence.
A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother and said, "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black? Ain't we coloured?"
She replied, "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers. Let them do the Muslims first.
If that don't work we is Zulus !!!!!

[Swoop]

Watching the Paralympics has taught me so much about acceptance of other people's different abilities but also...

If they can lift more, throw further and run faster than me, how come they still get to park closer to Pack & Save?

[Stirts]

Great Britain Paralympians are to release a song for a disabled children's charity.

They've decided on 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and... Oh'

[Geeen]

Bought my son an iPad & my daughter an iPod. The wife got me an iPhone & I got her an iRon. Wife wasn't overjoyed even after i explained it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook, iClean network. This opened the iNag reminder service which totally wiped out the iShag function

[Swoop]

I wrote 'Cunt' on my son's forehead while he was sleeping the night before his birthday.

We couldn't afford the iPad he wanted, But he'll still enjoy the feeling of owning one.

[Swoop]

"What are you in for?"

"Ran a red light."

"They sent you to prison for that?"

"Well, I also ran the brothel behind it."

[MSTRS]

I was out for a walk the other night, when I approached a lovely young lady.
I smiled as I gave her a rape siren and a bottle of mace.
"What's this for?" she said.
"I like a challenge" I replied, as I unzipped my pants.
:sweatdrop

[rainman]

What do Glasgow and Las Vegas have in common? Only two places in the world where you can use chips to pay for sex.

[Banditbandit]

A man walks into his local library and up to the Information Desk.

"Excuse me," he says to the librarian sitting there, "do you have a book on suicide?"

The librarian slides her glasses down her nose, looks up at him and says "Bugger off - you'll never bring it back!"

[Daffyd]

Long Life for Cowboys

A tough old cowboy once
counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every
morning. The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren,
35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

[Daffyd]

Beer Study

Sad news about beer. You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable. Last week,
scientists suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and
suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn
into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were each given 6 pints of beer. Within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of
the men:
a. Gained weight
b. Talked excessively without making sense
c. Became overly emotional
d. Couldn't drive
e. Failed to think rationally
f. Argued over nothing
g. Had to sit down while urinating
h. Showed no interest in sex
i. Refused to apologize when wrong
No further testing is planned.

Actually, b, e, f, & i could also describe some KiwiBikers

[Daffyd]

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.

After six months, the therapist gave up.

He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early.

His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.

She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."

[Swoop]

A couple of weeks after embarrassing the Royal family with his Vegas pictures, Prince Harry has been deployed to Afghanistan.

Nice one Phillip, that'll look a bit less suspicious than another car crash.

[jim.cox]

So David Bain is getting married

Its going to be a small affair - there will be none of the groom's family there

[MSTRS]

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother. "Oh, mama" she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic". Then suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Stan started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful four-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please mama!"

"Frannie, Frannie!" her mother said "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words has he been using?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama" wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed. They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home. Please mama!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words". Still sobbing the new bride replied "Oh, Mama, words like dust, wash, iron, and cook".

[Swoop]

Apple are planning a law suit on the estate of Alexander Graham Bell, for using the word 'phone'.

[Hinny]

Retired Canadian Judge reckons on the balance of probabilities David Bain is innocent.

[Swoop]

I spy, with my little i, a lawsuit from Apple.

[Maha]

So David Bain is getting married

Its going to be a small affair - there will be none of the groom's family there

But they will be there in spirit wont they?

[MSTRS]

But they will be there in spirit wont they?

Or in urns...

[Banditbandit]

Or in urns...

Hey .. this is a grave issue ... be serious ...

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/68/Bain_family_memorial.jpg/1024px-Bain_family_memorial.jpg

[jim.cox]

.. this is a grave issue ...

Dead right it is ...

[MSTRS]

Can't we just bury this and move on?

[Banditbandit]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne,too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[Banditbandit]

Can't we just bury this and move on?

Yeah .. it's a bit of a dead issue

[Swoop]

Prince William has been asked to take on extra royal duties.

Well it's not as though he has got his hands full is it!

[Nova.]

I went to a club the other night, and this ugly chick comes over to me, squeezes my ass winks at me and asks for my number.
I say; sure do you have a pen?
She smiles, and says; yes i do
So I say; well fuck off back to it before the farmer notices you missing

[Swoop]

Message to all Muslims:

China said that Mohammed loves it up the shitter.

Just try picking a fight with them.

[Banditbandit]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I just sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

[Swoop]

Religion is a lot like cricket.

Its popularity is decreasing day by day and only the people in the third world countries like to brag about it.

[MSTRS]

Dear Abbie, I was watching my next door neighbour's 14 year old daughter sunbathing from my bedroom window. The sight got too much for me and I started knocking one out. I had just finished and was wiping my knob on the curtains when I noticed my wife standing in the bedroom door. She had watched me from start to finish without saying a word. Is she a pervert?

[YellowDog]

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to
Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our
cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the
barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on
the front door.

Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and
when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another
ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the
cow to be bred?'

That's simple, by the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very
confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, ......

'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'

[Banditbandit]

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-I_-8up3wbQI/T9mCFdNEbVI/AAAAAAACzU0/FnGx-C5Rte8/s1600/funny-call-me-lines-3.jpg

[Swoop]

An Iphone 5 user walks into a bar...

or was it a bank...

or was it a hotel. They're not sure really.

[Stirts]

It's just as well that images of Jesus aren't banned.

Otherwise there would be quite a few pieces of toast in trouble right now.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs

[nathanwhite]

Following the recent anti-Islam film made, there will be a film made to mock Jesus Christ.

It will be released in 1979 and will be called Life of Brian

[Swoop]

Honestly, please believe me, I have not kidnapped Megan, we just wanted to get away for a day, bought some new phones and now I am completely lost and can't find our way back,

Jeremy and Megan.

Sent from my iPhone 5.

[Swoop]

I can't believe how strong the winds were last night.

I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the fucking pub.

[jim.cox]

A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary. :)

[onearmedbandit]

After his recent success at the olympics, Hussein Bolt decided to join his local golf club. However upon arrival he was told they don't allow black people to join. "There is a club 10 minutes up the road that accepts black people, best you try there" said the manager of the club. Rather pissed off, Bolt says, "do you not know who I am, Hussein Bolt, the worlds fastest man". The manager looks at him, then replies, "all right you smart cunt, 3 minutes."

[MSTRS]

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew ignited some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and even more deep thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby and here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say "It might be nice to have another child". On the other hand, you never hear a guy say "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts". Case closed. Time for another beer.

[Swoop]

Dating a single mother:

It's like continuing from somebody else's saved game.

[Stirts]

Justin Bieber vomits twice at the start of his 'Believe' tour concert, his fans were shocked.

Of course they were. That's probably the best thing to come out of his mouth since Usher's cock.

[Stirts]

BBC News reckons girls are put off Physics because of the subject content.
This is the proposed revamping of the curriculum in order to be more relevant to the fairer sex:

Thermodynamics : Why the iron gets hot
Centripetal force : Why clothes stick to the washing machine drum
Newton's 3rd Law : If she burns your dinner once more you'll set her on fire

[swtfa]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor?

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee, he won't even taste it.. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

A week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!... Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? .......What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in 'McDonalds' again!

[ellipsis]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met the U.S. President . They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said,

"You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America .."

The President said,

"Well, anything I can do to help you, I will"

The Iranian whispered

"My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."


The President laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back,

"That's because it takes place in the future".

[YellowDog]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly
oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Aye, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Naw, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Aye,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Naw,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

[YellowDog]

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she
took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in
the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this
from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair
remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.


Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.


At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this
under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."


Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."


The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body
lotion for a couple of days."


Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know,
I'm using it on my Schnauzer."



The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a
week."
:laugh:

[Banditbandit]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex..

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

[Stirts]

Lance Armstrong was asked if he had taken drugs to help him win.

"Complete bollocks!" he answered.

Seems he can't tell the truth about anything.

[ellipsis]

. A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for
counselling. The Mullah asks If they have any last questions before
they leave.

The man says, "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance
with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding
reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always
dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answers the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the Mullah.

"Woman on Top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! "

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes!"

"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets, with a
bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket
of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No," says the Mullah.

"Why not?" asks the man.

"It could lead to dancing."

[Swoop]

The theme song for the new Bond film Skyfall, is performed by Adele.
This is a rare example of something beginning when the fat lady sings.

[YellowDog]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. I happen to be a highly intelligent and a thoroughly educated bird'.

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the Postman.'

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch!

[nodrog]

I was watching Jurassic park the other day, when I thought, "Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he's also a shit driver".

[YellowDog]

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you".
She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied: "It's me talking to the beer".

[YellowDog]

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he
tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks
are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup
on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the
skin. When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the
cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would
have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.The barber replied:
"Just bring it back in a day or two like everyone else does".

[Stirts]

That's one small step for man, one giant leap for energy drink marketing.

[MSTRS]

A young Catholic girl went to confession and declared that she was pregnant. He asked "How did this happen, my child?" She said "I think it must be the second coming". The priest, shocked by this reply asked "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?" She replied "Because I swallowed the first one..."

[YellowDog]

Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect:

P N E S I

People who wrote SPINE became doctors...

The rest are all my fellow KBers.........

[HenryDorsetCase]

I didnt know this one either:

nmwGFX5pgXw

[Brett]

An Iphone 5 user walks into a bar...

or was it a bank...

or was it a hotel. They're not sure really.

You could spin that one around...

An Islamic Extremist walks into a bar...

Or was it a bank?

Or was it a hotel? They're not really sure.

[Maha]

A Kiwi Muslim was caught having sex with a sheep today.

He said it was islamb and he could do what he wanted with it.

[YellowDog]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an aeroplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then
visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her
nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious
about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed
yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body
shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the
man turned to the woman, "I couldn't help but notice" he said, "that
you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered
violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you ," she replied. "I have a very rare
medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never
heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for
it?"

The woman nodded, "Black Pepper."

[Stirts]

A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.

The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her arsehole does when she has an orgasm.

"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."

[Swoop]

I called my boss this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today."

"Why not?" he asked.

I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."

"That's no excuse!" he shouted.

I said, "I know, but try telling her that."

[caseye]

Hers one from me great Uncle.

Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa.

While on holiday in Australia he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.

As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, "What are all those little black things out there?"

"They're buoys," said the Aussie.

"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.

"F*ckin great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed, "We'd
never get away with that at home nowadays.

[nathanwhite]

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

'Twenty pounds,' she whispers.

Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop.

'I'm making love to me wife,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, neither did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'

[Geeen]

Little Red Riding Hood was about to go to Grandmas house,
As she was leaving her Mother said " Watch out for the Big Bad Wolf,
if he catches you he'll suck your tits dry!"
Unfazed Red Riding Hood goes anyway.
Not much happens during the trip, but,
just as Red is almost there out jumps the Big Bad Wolf..
"Stop right there and lift up your top, I'm gunna suck your tits dry!!!"
the Wolf yells.
"Like fuck" replies Red Riding Hood " I'll drop my pants and you can eat me like the story says."

[Berries]

The BBC just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s.

The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jimmy gets a letter from Megan, 12, saying she's a big fan of the violin ... and could he fix it for her to spend a day with a fiddler?

"Jackpot," says Jimmy.

[pete376403]

Little Red Riding Hood was about to go to Grandmas house,
As she was leaving her Mother said " Watch out for the Big Bad Wolf,
if he catches you he'll suck your tits dry!"
Unfazed Red Riding Hood goes anyway.
Not much happens during the trip, but,
just as Red is almost there out jumps the Big Bad Wolf..
"Stop right there and lift up your top, I'm gunna suck your tits dry!!!"
the Wolf yells.
"Like fuck" replies Red Riding Hood " I'll drop my pants and you can eat me like the story says."

Variation...
The wolf jumps out and says "I'm gonna gobble you up!" and Little Red Riding Hood say "gobble, gobble, gobble. Doesn't anyone just fuck anymore?"

[Swoop]

What do a vegan and a virgin have in common?

All it takes is a couple of pints and a nice piece of meat to change their minds.

[Stirts]

Why are men always proud after they've had a particularly big shit?

All it implies is the size of the cock they could take.

[YellowDog]

And I'll
Never forget

I'd do it
Again

Without a
Single regret.

The sky was
Dark

The moon
Was high

We were all
Alone

Just she
And I.

Her hair
Was soft

Her eyes
Were blue

I knew just
What

She wanted
To do.

Her skin so
Soft

Her legs so
Fine

I ran my
Fingers

Down her
Spine.

I didn't
Know how

But I tried
My best

I started
By placing

My hands on
Her breast

I remember
My fear

My fast
Beating heart

But slowly
She spread

Her legs
Apart.

And when I
Did it
I felt no shame

All at
Once

The white
Stuff came.

At last
it's finished

It's all
Over now

My first
Time ever

At milking
A cow...




NOW
ALL YOU DIRTY MINDS SAY 3 HAIL MARYS...

[nathanwhite]

Upon watching my week old son cry for food I think I figured out why humans kiss they way we do. As the baby boy cries he begins working his mouth in an opening and closing motion, not all the way closed, just part of the way. His tongue hangs part of the way out and slowly moves into his mouth and back out, looking to latch onto my wife’s breast. He doesn’t open his eyes looking for the breast as one might think, instead they are squeezed shut. Additionally, a newborn will move their hands up to their mouth and grasp their face. These signals are common as it is a sign that the baby would like to feed.

If you stop and think about the motions we go through while kissing, the process is similar. We move toward our beloved and reach up to place a hand on his/her cheek. Instead of looking longingly into our lover’s eyes, many people close their eyes. As our lips touch we work the kiss, moving our mouth slightly open and close and allow our tongues to enter the intimate ballet. In so many ways his search for food and a human kiss are almost identical.

While my wife prepared to receive the squalling kid, I came to this stunning realization. Subconsciously, while we are more than happy to go through the motions of kissing, all we really want is a face full of booby.

[Stirts]

When a girl gives a boy the finger it means fuck off.

When a boy gives a girl the finger it means third base.

__________________________________________________ _____________


Just lost my job at Staples for thumping a lady in the vagina..

Not the kind of hole-punch she was after, apparently.

[MSTRS]

I went to the doctor's office the other day at my wife's request and found our new family doctor is a young female. I was embarrassed, but she said "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out".
I said "My wife thinks my penis tastes funny".

[MSTRS]

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

[Swoop]

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

[Maha]

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way.
we cannoli do so much
his legacy will become a pizza history.
here today, gone tomato

How sad that he ran out of thyme.
Sending olive my prayers to the family.
His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it.
You never sausage a tragic thing

[Subike]

Top reasons why SOME bikers don’t wave back…

Top Reasons Why Harley Riders Don’t Wave Back

8- Raising the arm could be considered a form of exercise.
7- They’re afraid it will void the warranty.
6- Leather and studs make it too heavy to raise their arms.
5- They refuse to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for.
4- They are afraid to let go of handlebars because they might vibrate off.
3- Rushing wind might blow the scabs off their new tattoos.
2- They can’t tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to cover their ears like everyone else.
1- They’re too tired from the hours spent polishing all that chrome.

Top Reasons Why GOLD Wing Riders Don’t Wave Back

7- They couldn’t find the “auto wave back” button on the dashboard
6- They are afraid they might get frostbite if they remove their hands from the heated grips.
5- They have arthritis.
4- The reflection from the etched windshield has momentarily blinded them.
3- They were asleep when you waved.
2- They were distracted by the odd shaped blip on the radar screen.
1- They were simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature and satellite navigation system.

Top Reasons Why Sportbikers Don’t Wave Back

7- They have not been riding long enough to know they are supposed to.
6- They’re going too fast to have enough time to register the movement and respond.
5- They didn’t notice you, you weren’t wearing bright enough gear.
4- If they stick their arm going that fast they’ll rip it out of the socket.
3- Their skin tight-kevlar-ballistic-nylon-kangaroo-leather suits prevent any other position than fetal.
2- Raising an arm allows bugs into the armholes of their tank tops.
1- It’s to hard to do one handed stoppies.

Top Reasons Why BMW Riders Don’t Wave Back

5- Their new Aerostich suits are too stiff to raise their arms.
4- Removing a hand from the bars is considered “bad form”.
3- They are too busy programming the GPS, monitoring radar, listening to their ipod or talking on cell phone.
2- The wires from the Gerbings are too short.
1- You haven’t been properly introduced

[_Shrek_]

Top reason why SOME bikers don’t wave back…


this would be more like it "to far up themselves" :rolleyes:

[nadroj]

this would be more like it "to far up themselves" :rolleyes:

It's not as far to go for some :innocent:

[Swoop]

After winning the lottery, my sister in law asked me if there was anything I wanted from her:

"I've always fancied a motorboat" I said, with a wink.

No such luck though, the bitch bought me a motorboat.

[Stirts]

Snooki is a lot like Hurricane Sandy.

They're both heading to The Jersey Shore with intentions to blow everyone within a 50 mile radius.

[Stirts]

A man is walking behind his wife and says,
"Baby you are so fat now your bum looks like a washing machine."
The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.


Bed time, the man is asking for sex.
The woman says,
"I can't start the washing machine for such a small load. You'll have to hand wash it!"

[Maha]

I'll only support gay marriage, if both chicks are hot.

[bogan]

a woman got wooden breast implants yesterday

it would be funny if this joke had a punch line

wooden tit

[Swoop]

My favourite part about Halloween is seeing all the confused Jehovah's Witnesses wandering around, wondering why they've been given sweets.

[Stirts]

a woman got wooden breast implants yesterday

I smell sausages!!

<img src="http://cache.jezebel.com/assets/images/39/2009/01/medium_200408881-001.jpg"></img>

[Maha]

Text conversation between a dog and his owner...

Dog: Someone broke into the house
Owner: Fuck are you ok? Im coming home.
Dog: No need, they didn't take anything, they just did a poo on your bed that looks like mine.

[nathanwhite]

An Intermediate school health class was learning about pregnancy. Young Suzy asks her teacher, "Can my grandma get pregnant?" Her teacher replies that no, she can't, shes far too old. Suzy then asks if her fifty year old mother could get pregnant. Her teacher tells her no, shes a little too old for that. Suzy, puzzled, asks if she can get pregnant. Her teacher freaks out and tells her "Don't even think about it young lady, you're far too young!" Johnny pipes up from the back of class "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about!"

[Stirts]

BREAKING NEWS. Disney buys Star Wars.
New film is to be called "When You Wish Upon A Death Star".

[Swoop]

"Go and have a look at the size of the shit I've just done in the bathroom!" I said to my wife.

"No thanks," she replied.

"Please, just one quick look," I said, "You won't believe it."

She pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, "There's nothing down there, you must've flushed it."

I said, "It's on the scales!"

[Swoop]

Our family surname is "Daniels". So rather hilariously we named our first child Jack.

She hates it.

[swtfa]

New Aussie Pickup Line

A bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says
"You remind me of my little toe."
She replies, "What?... You mean I'm small and cute?"
He says "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk."

[DMNTD]

What is Bruce lee's favorite beverage????







Waaatah!!!!

[MSTRS]

The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is actually proud of the fact it is distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the US Department of the Interior, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals". Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.
This ends today's lesson.

[Banditbandit]

I see unemployment has risen again ..

[HenryDorsetCase]

Hey so the Jehovahs Witlesses put out videos for deaf people saying don't masturbate: its bad yo!

Nek Minnit: 50 cent.


http://kottke.org/12/11/jehovahs-witnesses-to-the-deaf-no-masturbation-in-da-club

[tigertim20]

I have just created a new cocktail, and I'm calling it the "Sandy"

I'ts basically just a watered down Manhattan

[Swoop]

Disney has revealed some details about the main villain in the next series of Star Wars films.

A brave, yet unemotional character, he is fiercley loyal to those who want the same as him.

He's called Darth Lightyear.

[Swoop]

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas today.

"How about a blow-job?" I said.

"Well, you'll have to wait and see what you get from Father Christmas," she replied.

Great. If I'd wanted a fat lump with a white beard to suck my cock, I'd have asked her mother.

[rainman]

If a tree falls in a forest, and no-one is around to hear it... have we just found the perfect place for a Nickleback concert?

[DMNTD]

The Royal Navy had a surplus of officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer could choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,

“From the tip of my penis to my testicles.”

It was suggested by the officer in charge of that he might want to reconsider, citing the big cheques presented to the previous two Officers. But old the Chief insisted.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em, which he did.

The MO placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back.

“Dear Lord!” he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?”

The Old Chief calmly replied,

“Falkland Islands”.

[DMNTD]

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?.........

He'd lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.





Two dyslexics walked into a bra ...

[YellowDog]

During a recent password audit by an IT company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon"
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:
"Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."

[Stirts]

Boyfriend asks his girlfriend to suck the life out of him and leave him dry.

She replied "YES! I will marry you."

[Swoop]

This annoying dick head I know's just been diagnosed with ADHD.
Or as I call it, annoying dickhead disease.




I've come up with a cure for ADHD.
A fucking good clip around the ear.

[DMNTD]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, ‘You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle.’
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, ‘You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.’
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, ‘You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.

[ellipsis]

Just bumped into Rolf Harris whilst shopping this morning. I said:

"I remember seeing you doing 'Two Little Boys' in the seventies."

He said: "Fuck off, that was Jimmy Saville."

[swtfa]

MORNING SEX

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said "Thanks", and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained "The egg timer's broken."

[Banditbandit]

A suburbanite is being shown around his rural mate’s farm. They are out in the paddock in the Hi-Lux when the suburbanite sees a pig with a wooden leg. He points it out to his farmer mate.

“That pig is amazing,” the farmer says. “One day me kids were playing in the creek and the youngest fell in and would have drowned, but that pig came along and dragged him onto the bank. The pig’s amazing.”

“Yeah, but the pig has a wooden leg,” says the suburbanite.

“I’m telling you, the pig is amazing,: responds the farmer. One day I parked me tractor on a hill and forgot to put on the handbrake. It was rolling into the river when that pig came along and knocked over an old tree in front of the tractor, which stopped me $50,000 tractor from going in the river.”

Yeah,” says the suburbanite, “but your pig’s got a wooden leg!”

“That pig, mate, is truly amazing,” the farmer goes on. “One day these hoons came out from town and were doing burn-ups and hooning around - me wife was terrified. That pig came along and saw them off – attacked at their car, really had a go at them. The wife was relieved. That pig saved me farm and all.“

Yeah, mate,” says trhe suburbanite. “I get all that, but your PIG HAS A FUCKING WOODEN LEG!”

Yeah mate,” says the farmer “If you had a pig that great would you eat it all at once?”

[Swoop]

I went to a really trendy nightclub in town the other night.
The doorman said, "Sorry mate, you've had too many."
I said, "Drinks?"
He said, "Birthdays." :weep: