Friday jokes [Archive] - Page 13

Juniper

5th May 2014, 06:59

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home! The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?" "Yes," was his reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!".

Juniper

5th May 2014, 07:02

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck.

Juniper

5th May 2014, 07:03

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"
Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

Juniper

5th May 2014, 07:08

Real Things Said In Court

These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Juniper

5th May 2014, 07:12

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

Juniper

5th May 2014, 07:15

Men Teaching Classes for Women @
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
Pre-registration required

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping? -- Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase-- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Juniper

5th May 2014, 07:23

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that's the Robinson's, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuck herself!"

One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. "Come over here baby." she says smiling. The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties - I ain't going any where near it!"

One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentines day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him.", and her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?

It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair." Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"

Juniper

5th May 2014, 07:27

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"
The pastor fainted.

Juniper

5th May 2014, 07:29

Eating in the 50s, Curry was a surname.

Oh how things have changed!
*EATING IN THE FIFTIES*

Pasta was not eaten in Australia.

Curry was a surname.

A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

All potato chips were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.

Rice was only eaten as a milk pudding.

A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded
as being white gold. Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Fish didn't have fingers in those days.

Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

Indian restaurants were only found in India.

Cooking outside was called camping.>
Seaweed was not a recognised food.

‘”Kebab" was not even a word, never mind a food.

Prunes were medicinal.

Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.

Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and
charging more than petrol for it they would have become a
laughing stock!!

**The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the
fifties ..... elbows!* *

slofox

5th May 2014, 18:08

"Rice was only eaten as a milk pudding."

Certainly true at my house...hated it. :sick:

YellowDog

5th May 2014, 18:47

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
_____________________________________________

Some of these might have been true :no:

YellowDog

5th May 2014, 19:14

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

Stirts

6th May 2014, 15:16

3 days ago I got a pass-code lock that takes a picture whenever someone enters the wrong code to look in my phone.

So far I have 26 pictures of drunk me.

Juniper

7th May 2014, 08:43

It just all depends on how you look at some things...

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 188 9. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory:

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.
Harry Reid:

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks!

Juniper

7th May 2014, 08:52

The Texas Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 4 years. I pay him $295 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

GOVT AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

RANCHER: That would be me.

Juniper

7th May 2014, 08:53

Eleven acrobats injured in circus fall.

Thankfully they just missed the clown car, avoiding 100 deaths.

Juniper

7th May 2014, 08:57

The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said,
"Son, I don't think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep; they're eatin' 'em!"

The meeting never really got back to order.

Juniper

7th May 2014, 08:59

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East. Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
Iraq , Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don’t know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending clothing.
New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian countries are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
Great Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.

Juniper

7th May 2014, 12:01

A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced "A typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds." Congratulations shower all around, and many exclamations of 'wow!' are heard. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth, aren't you? How much does the baby weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'fifteen pounds.' The bartender is puzzled. 'Why? What happened? He already weighed twenty pounds at birth.' The Texas father takes a slow sip from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and proudly announces, 'Had him circumcised.'

Swoop

7th May 2014, 13:08

I was arguing with someone about Islam and Halal food and they said, "Throwing bacon at a Muslim is as offensive as throwing dog shit at them."

Anyway, long story short, I'm now saving a fortune on bacon!

gjm

8th May 2014, 08:20

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y261/gjm123/supermum_zpsd329bd03.jpg

Reckless

9th May 2014, 13:10

Mean but Funny as !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/9wCPUUIjjdU" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Reckless

9th May 2014, 18:28

Why It’s Great to be a Bloke

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
Wrinkles-add character.
You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000; Suit rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking “He must be mad at me.”
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.
The world is your urinal.

anebv8

9th May 2014, 19:23

How to give a cat a pill

Position right forefinger and on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the darn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in hamburger.

2. Toss it in the air.

gjm

9th May 2014, 20:16

https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/t1.0-9/10177972_476531145811254_5388446947011960511_n.jpg

Erelyes

9th May 2014, 22:35

Why did the mexican push his wife off the cliff?

Tequila

roogazza

10th May 2014, 08:33

296950296951

Geeen

11th May 2014, 13:29

Heard this the other night

An Irishman is at a job interview with a blacksmith, the blacksmith asks "Do you have any experience shoeing horses?"
The Irishman replies "No, but I once told a donkey to fuck off...."

Swoop

15th May 2014, 19:30

The Nigerian Government are now offering a $3million reward for the safe return of the missing girls.

All you need to do is to provide your name, address, date of birth, bank details and mother's maiden name.

Juniper

17th May 2014, 22:20

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.

"Actually, yes, I do."

"Does it hurt you?" he asked.

"No. I rather like it."

"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified.

"What? You can get pregnant from anal s$x?"

"Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?"

Smifffy

18th May 2014, 20:11

Jesus walks into an Inn, throws 3 nails on the counter and says "Can you put me up for the night?"

Juniper

19th May 2014, 07:47

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix
the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead?
I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is
working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was
either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

Juniper

19th May 2014, 07:48

what did the native girl say after losing her viginity?

"Fuck dad, get off you are crushing my marlboro's!"

Juniper

19th May 2014, 07:49

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman... She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."

Stirts

19th May 2014, 10:24

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles... The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy"...

Juniper

19th May 2014, 10:28

Sherlock Holmes and his ever-faithful friend Watson are on a camping trip.
During the night, as they lay in their sleeping bags, Holmes nudges Watson to wake him up, and bids him to look up at the sky.
"What do you see?" asks Holmes.
"The night sky" says Watson.
"And what does this tell you? Asks Holmes.
"That we are but small pieces of a much larger world, so large, in fact, that it becomes difficult to imagine what the future portends", says Watson.
Whereupon Holmes sits upright, turns to Watson and says, "Watson, you cunt, it means some bastards stolen our tent!"

Juniper

19th May 2014, 10:29

The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven!

Queen Elizabeth And Dolly Parton
Die on the same day and they both go
before St Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
So the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular
Reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these,
They're the most perfect breasts God ever created,
And I'm sure it will please God to be able to see
Them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty
The same question. The Queen takes a bottle of
Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.

Then,pisses into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is out raged and asks, "What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and
You turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly" says the Angel, "but even in Heaven,

A Royal Flush
Beats a Pair -
No Matter How Big They Are.

_Shrek_

19th May 2014, 16:24

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"

The husband replies, I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear. :whistle:

gjm

19th May 2014, 17:15

https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/t1.0-9/10308581_1413245515615544_2449040951336931124_n.jp g

Swoop

20th May 2014, 12:34

I saw a picture on Facebook of a young girl in glasses holding up a handwritten sign.

It said on it, "I got bullied in school for wearing glasses. My classmates called me a nerd. Please share if your against bullying."

Tomorrow she's going to go to school and get bullied by the nerds for mis-spelling "you're".

_Shrek_

20th May 2014, 20:24

I have a little Satnav; It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice..

It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, …

I could turn the bugger off... :rolleyes:

dino3310

21st May 2014, 20:01

nice one shek- thats one reason i love bikes, cant hear the whining through the helmet

Sent from my GT-I9070 using Tapatalk 2

anebv8

22nd May 2014, 19:26

A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD. He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely asks the old biker, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.

The old biker quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

YellowDog

23rd May 2014, 07:55

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on......

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Stirts

23rd May 2014, 09:10

Biologists in China have been trying to produce a caucasian baby from Chinese parents. So far they have had no success.

Proof that two Wong’s don’t make a white.

_Shrek_

23rd May 2014, 12:26

Butch was at his local last week end kicking back with the boys
when this brutally unattractive sheila came up behind him,
pinched his arse & said 'give me your number sexy',
Butch looked her up & down & said 'have you got a pen?
"sure honey" she says,
'well (Butch replies).... you better get a hurry up & get back in to it
before the farmer notices you're missing.....:facepalm:

gjm

23rd May 2014, 13:03

My wife caught me blow-drying my dick this morning and asked what the hell did I think I was doing?

Apparently, "heating up your breakfast" was not the right answer.

Robbo

23rd May 2014, 16:32

Harley for Sale

MSTRS

25th May 2014, 09:13

I was in Bunnings the other day, and I couldn't believe my eyes. There was Rolf Harris!!
I rushed over to him, all excited, and blurted out "I remember you doing Two Little Boys in the early '70s."
He said "Fuck off. That was Gary Glitter"

Juniper

26th May 2014, 08:18

A teenage granddaughter came downstairs for her date wearing a
see-through blouse and no bra.
Her grandmother threw a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager told her 'Loosen up Gran. These are modern times.
You got to let your rose buds show!' and out she goes.

The next day the teenager came downstairs, and the grandmother
is sitting there with NO top on. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate....

The grandmother said, 'Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets

Juniper

26th May 2014, 08:20

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible grizzly death this year."

Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced its way out... she simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked;

"Will I be acquitted?"

Juniper

26th May 2014, 13:05

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.

I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown..

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ......."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .......
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

.."

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"

"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick eejit !"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

Macontour

26th May 2014, 19:26

Very funny!! I laughed so much the tears ran down my legs!!!

Juniper

27th May 2014, 08:26

The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,

which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,

with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk,

and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and

decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily,

he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit,

he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!

Virago

28th May 2014, 11:51

Lol...

http://www.viralnova.com/funny-stupid-people/

unstuck

28th May 2014, 13:05

Lol...

Fuck thats funny alright.:2thumbsup

Robbo

28th May 2014, 13:52

Due to economic circumstances..

Swoop

28th May 2014, 14:17

To see if people really react badly to burka wearers, my wife, who is a journalist, decided to wear one for a week, and gauge the reactions.

On the first day, she was spat on, slapped in the face, threatened with death, and yelled at.

And she hasn't even left the house yet!

gjm

29th May 2014, 10:44

A man goes into a fish and chip shop with a salmon under his arm.
He asks 'Do you sell fish cakes here?'
'No' was the reply.
'Shame, it's his birthday.'

gjm

29th May 2014, 19:21

Gritty humour.

Swoop

29th May 2014, 22:29

News from a week on the stock market.

Helium was up, but feathers were down. Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Lifts rose but escalators continued their slow decline. Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Treasures remained unchanged while Purex tissues touched a new bottom.

YellowDog

30th May 2014, 07:50

Mr Jones is sitting happily at home one afternoon when the doorbell rings. He opens the door to see two serious looking uniformed Police Officers.

"Mr Jones?"

"Yes."

"There has been an accident in town, and we think your wife may have been involved. Do you have a photograph of her for ID purposes?"

"Oh dear, yes, just one second. Come in."

So, Jones hands a copy of his wedding photo to one of the constables who looks at it, frowns gravely, hands it back and says, "There is no easy way to put this, Mr Jones, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus."

Jones stares at the constable, looks at the photo, then back at the constable and replies, "Yes, I know, but she's a great cook and she's fantastic in the bedroom."

awa355

30th May 2014, 09:52

You guys are in deep shit now. :facepalm: When people call you brainless, at least most men will have an excuse.

Watching too much sexual material could shrink brain - study

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/news/article.cfm?c_id=6&objectid=11264524

Erelyes

30th May 2014, 10:42

https://i.imgflip.com/97aqy.jpg

YellowDog

31st May 2014, 15:12

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his or her
duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion
or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “England " past the
censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free
working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main
brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it, full
speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water. It’s an environment protection initiative."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest,
please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and
they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone
up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Anti-discrimination requirements, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free
environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by
playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let
the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that
sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety again! Whatever happened to
rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: “As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case .................. Kiss me, Hardy."

Akzle

31st May 2014, 15:53

((erelyes' post))

https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-cfSpo1mz2pw/UswmMWTPokI/AAAAAAAAUoU/Gt6UEE-92kw/w506-h750/crusades%2Bhello%2Bsir.jpg

husaberg

31st May 2014, 18:29

I was in the public toilets and had just sat down when a voice from the next cubicle said: "Hi, how are you?"
Embarrassed, I said,"I'm doing fine".
The voice said,"So what are you up to?"
I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here!"
From next door, "Can I come over?".
Annoyed, I said "I'm rather busy right now".
The voice said, "Listen, I will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions."

husaberg

31st May 2014, 18:54

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is: don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.

Whoever put the letter 'b' in the word 'subtle' deserves a pat on the back.

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

What single word can be a long sentence?
Prison

comic sans walks into the bar, the barman says piss off........ we don't serve your type

I've always been bad at spelling - not sure whether it's nature or nurture.

gjm

31st May 2014, 20:59

I saw an ad today, saying "Professional cynic for hire".

Yeah, right...

Swoop

3rd June 2014, 19:23

Apparently they now have Wifi on the International Space Station.

NASA have promised us that this will make the sharing of new insights and discoveries both faster and more accessible to the general public.

And PornHub have promised the astronauts that there are lots of horny girls in their area.

Banditbandit

4th June 2014, 09:02

https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/t1.0-9/64939_10151234216953716_200520540_n.jpg

gjm

5th June 2014, 08:13

https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/t1.0-9/10409032_10153009846907080_1639799368695772470_n.j pg

Geeen

5th June 2014, 09:11

The IT Crowd, Brilliant UK humour

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rNgCnY1lPg

Scuba_Steve

5th June 2014, 12:51

The IT Crowd, Brilliant UK humour

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALZZx1xmAzg

Geeen

5th June 2014, 15:39

Its pure gold, I have the first four seasons...

anebv8

5th June 2014, 19:02

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than a sheriff from West Virginia.
The sheriff asks for license and registration.
The lawyer asks, "What for?"
The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently.
The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle."
The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

YellowDog

6th June 2014, 14:02

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat.
One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down.

Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation.

The next day, they gave him the medicine and left.

The goat approached the horse and said: Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!

On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left.

The goat came back and said: Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three...

On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said: Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him downtomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses.

After they left, the goat approached the horse and said: Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on... Fantastic! Run, run more!

Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!

All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting: It's a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a grand party. Let's cook the goat!!!!

Lesson: Management never knows which employee actually deserves the praise.

nothingflash

7th June 2014, 14:03

Stevie Wonder bought himself a new cheese grater the other day. He said it's the most horrific book he's ever read.

gjm

7th June 2014, 17:19

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece, sometime around 469 - 399 BC, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was screwing his wife.

gjm

10th June 2014, 20:39

https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-cGZy78fRPx0/U5bGJ5fkJtI/AAAAAAAABbo/Oxj7kS24IV4/w394-h480-no/rabbit+%2528Small%2529.jpg

gjm

11th June 2014, 14:03

https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/t1.0-9/10353625_10152237473682585_7783776058505144816_n.j pg

Swoop

11th June 2014, 15:11

............
297824

kevfromcoro

11th June 2014, 22:41

My dog is so clever , he can do metalwork..

Everytime I kick him in the nuts..

He makes a bolt for the door.

Swoop

12th June 2014, 13:56

Someone mentioned that Rik Mayall had died, so I decided to check for myself.

I spent an hour Googling "Young Ones" and "Bottom", and have been asked to attend my local police station for questioning.

cc rider

15th June 2014, 23:41

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early...she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said that they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

gjm

19th June 2014, 10:14

https://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/t1.0-9/10492407_10152269531857561_8288191283469305869_n.j pg

Swoop

19th June 2014, 12:41

Two Irishmen walked into a bra.. One said to the other "that's da first time auto correct has gone in me favour!"

My wife bought me a new tank top today and my Muslim neighbour came straight round to tell me he didn't like it.

I said, "Why, what's your fucking problem?"

"The turret is pointing straight at my house." He replied.

I see that in the US they're complaining about halal meat. They want their meat to be killed the American way... but, honestly, what are the chances of a cow enrolling in high school and being shot by a classmate?

roogazza

19th June 2014, 15:56

297995297996

YellowDog

20th June 2014, 10:53

Arthur, age 92 and Emily, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a Chemist.

Arthur suggests they go in.

Arthur addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the Owner?
The Pharmacist answers: "Yes."

Arthur: "We're about to get married. Do you sell Heart Medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Arthur: "How about Medicine for Circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Arthur: "Medicine for Rheumatism, Scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Arthur: "Medicine for Memory Problems, Arthritis, Jaundices?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety....the works!"

Arthur: "What about Vitamins, Sleeping Pills, Antidotes for Parkinson's Disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Arthur: "You sell Wheelchairs and Walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there something I can help you with?"

Arthur says to the Pharmacist: "We'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift Shop."

gjm

20th June 2014, 17:08

The England football team visited an orphanage in Brazil, earlier today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6.

Swoop

20th June 2014, 19:21

I see that England have a new Captain!
His name is Bryan Smith and he will be the British Airways Captain for the return flight home!

gjm

21st June 2014, 10:40

My daughter was looking for material for a skit in the school production...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-2fnZfK9Lg

cc rider

24th June 2014, 21:51

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..

Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,
Have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles.
Ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome,
to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

husaberg

24th June 2014, 22:04

Mary came back from lunch to find that all the girls
in the office had removed their clothes and were lying
on the floor naked. She lost no time in taking off her
dress and joining them, but as soon as she laid down
the girl on her right hissed, "Turn over, Mary - this is
a stick up, not an office party

YellowDog

25th June 2014, 07:26

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?'"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ?Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 62 years."

roogazza

26th June 2014, 18:15

298371298372298373298374298375

YellowDog

26th June 2014, 23:11

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire Show every year,
And every year Bill would say,
" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that there 'elicopter "
Blanche always replied,
" I know Bill, but that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid,
And twenty quid is twenty quid! "
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,
" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that there 'elicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Blanche replied,
" Bill that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,
" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't..
I'm impressed! "
Bill replied,
" Well, to tell you t'truth
I almost said summat when Blanche fell out,
But tha' knows,
twenty quid is twenty quid! "

husaberg

27th June 2014, 23:07

Not often I find something that I was actually looking for a picture of.

cc rider

28th June 2014, 02:13

https://m.ak.fbcdn.net/sphotos-a.ak/hphotos-ak-xaf1/t1.0-9/10494789_529248573845893_7364262098006830023_n.jpg

anebv8

29th June 2014, 11:39

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.

"Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." He sighed......... "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

gjm

30th June 2014, 17:39

https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-I5w9fmBwd3I/U7D5NRivlqI/AAAAAAAABdg/YvmZ0-XEPbY/w640-h506-no/10443502_481184315361821_806773499436720708_n.jpg

cc rider

30th June 2014, 23:18

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car,

A passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, .....

Rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.......

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

cc rider

1st July 2014, 00:34

My grandmother died in the 80’s & I like to think I was her favourite grandson. Her birthday is coming up & that always causes me to reminisce: the long walks we used to take to the shop in town, the 5 cents she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or cleaning the driveway. Her soothing hands when I would get hurt.

But the thing I remember most was her sage advice.

Once when I was about 13, we were sitting in the park enjoying a day out. She told me that one day I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.

"Always remember this," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandma?"

She smiled and said gently, "Makes your dick look bigger."

Grandma was special.......

husaberg

1st July 2014, 18:12

Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," said the first bloke, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the
wife's knickers off!"
"What's the rush?" his mate asked.
"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the bloke replied.

GravelRashKid

3rd July 2014, 09:58

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath…. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

GravelRashKid

3rd July 2014, 09:58

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally.

awa355

3rd July 2014, 10:15

http://i1074.photobucket.com/albums/w420/awa355/Untitledpicture-20.png

Swoop

4th July 2014, 14:53

The head teacher from the school called me today.

"I've just caught your son having sex with Sarah Jones," he said, "I am totally disgusted."

"Me too," I replied, "Isn't she the fat ginger one?"

roogazza

6th July 2014, 08:26

298748298749298750298751298752

Swoop

7th July 2014, 09:32

I was just reading through the iTunes licencing agreement.
Honestly, I don't think I'd have installed it if I'd read it first time around.

'..will not use this software to aid in the manufacture of biological or chemical weapons.'

FUCK YOU APPLE!
If I want Anthrax on my iTunes I'll fucking have it!!

unstuck

7th July 2014, 09:51

FUCK YOU APPLE!
If I want Anthrax on my iTunes I'll fucking have it!!
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/hTyEnpocBSo" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>:msn-wink:

Scuba_Steve

8th July 2014, 20:26

Not sure why, but I find this quite amusing

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_22KoPF2GA

mikeey01

11th July 2014, 17:56

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
Within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
Door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
Thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip , placed the groceries on the kitchen
Counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that
Area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the hell are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my Son-in-law.'

roogazza

11th July 2014, 19:28

299044299045299046299047

cc rider

14th July 2014, 00:27

Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’

Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

haydes55

14th July 2014, 00:57

The Nigerian football team were so disappointed at their elimination from the world cup, the captain has decided to reimberse all the Nigerian fans who spent money to go to Brazil and watch the games.

To claim your reimbursement, send your bank account details and password to:
P.O. Box 118280
Nigeria

cc rider

15th July 2014, 01:03

AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR SHUFFLED INTO TOWN LEADING A TIRED OLD MULE. THE OLD WOMAN HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER PARCHED THROAT.

SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUN SLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
THE YOUNG GUN SLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, SAYING "HEY" OLD WOMAN HAVE YOU EVER DANCED"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUN SLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUN SLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.

WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUN SLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELLED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.

THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUN SLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.

THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?

THE GUN SLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAAM... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:

1 - Never be arrogant..
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...

I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

unstuck

15th July 2014, 09:11

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for
> six days.
>
> Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day,
> resting. He enquired of God,
>
> 'Where have you been?'
> God pointed downwards through the clouds.
>
> Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'
>
> 'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I’ve put LIFE on it. I'm going
> to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'
>
> 'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.
>
> God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. 'For
> example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and
> wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over
> there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there
> I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent
> of black people.'
>
> God continued, pointing to the different countries. This one will
> be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered
> in ice.'
>
> The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another
> area of land and asked, 'What's that?'
>
> 'Ah,' said God. 'That's the North of England, the most glorious
> place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football
> teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the
> home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers,
> explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are
> going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be
> found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-
> working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the
> world as speakers of truth.'
>
> Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
>
> 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'
>
> God replied very wisely,
>
> wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South to
> Govern the country!'

cc rider

16th July 2014, 02:45

https://m.ak.fbcdn.net/sphotos-a.ak/hphotos-ak-xaf1/t1.0-9/10354827_648549261861618_7084559320414517161_n.jpg

Swoop

16th July 2014, 14:29

I got out of the shower and my wife said, "Ooo look, it's like a penis... only smaller."

So I said, "Ooo look, it's like my secretary... only fatter and less flexible."

anebv8

16th July 2014, 18:10

An old couple went to the doctor for the husband's check-up. The husband was very hard of hearing. The nurse came out and called his name and the husband says (kinda loud as you would expect) "What did she say?" The wife responded saying "the doctor is ready to see you."

In the treatment room. the doctor came in and asked him a question and the old man said "What did he say?" The wife responded saying "the doctor asked if you are feeling okay."

So the doctor did a few more checks and they encountered few more episodes if the old man not understanding and the wife interpreting.

Finally, the doctor said "everything looks good but I need to run some final tests and I will need a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood sample." The old man yelled "What did he say?"

The wife responded to him simply saying "HE NEEDS YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

roogazza

17th July 2014, 12:29

299240299241299242299243299244

husaberg

18th July 2014, 19:40

A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. A
large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top.
She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest.
Little Johnny, playing in the sand looked up at her and said,
"Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with
the brown nose."

Swoop

21st July 2014, 16:40

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia, New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent!

unstuck

21st July 2014, 18:42

A YORKSHIRE LOVE STORY
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death,
he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones
wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength,
and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall,
he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
and with even greater effort,
gripping the railing with both hands,
he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath,
he leaned against the door-frame,
gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony,
he would have thought himself already in heaven,
for there, spread out upon the kitchen table
were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of love
from his devoted Yorkshire wife of sixty years,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort,
he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand
trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table,
when it was suddenly smacked by his wife
with a wooden spoon ......
*
*
*
*
*

'Bugger off'.
she said,
'they're for the funeral.'

cc rider

22nd July 2014, 02:12

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

cc rider

22nd July 2014, 02:13

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

cc rider

22nd July 2014, 02:14

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

cc rider

22nd July 2014, 02:16

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Swoop

22nd July 2014, 11:01

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Donetsk
Donetsk who?
Donetsk me if we shot this plane down.

Banditbandit

22nd July 2014, 16:03

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Russian ...
Russian who?
I'm Russian ... back over the border ...

Geeen

22nd July 2014, 18:48

.................:wacko:

cc rider

22nd July 2014, 23:57

:innocent:

One day a hippy gets on a bus full of nuns.
He looks around and see's one that is looking particularily good.

After he popped a stiffy he went up to the nun and said "I want to fuck you."

"No" replied the nun, "I am a woman of the lord, I will never sleep with you."

The hippy was really depressed, but on his way off the bus the driver told him that the nun goes to the church to pray everynight at midnight.
All he had to do was get a god mask and tell her to screw him.

At exactly midnight the hippy spotted the nun go into the church. He put on his mask and said "I am god, fuck me."

the nun then replied "Only in the ass though." The hippy agreed and they got it on for hours.

When they were done the hippy took off his mask and shouted "Ha! Ha! I'm the hippy."

The nun then took off her mask and said "Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver."

cc rider

22nd July 2014, 23:59

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

cc rider

23rd July 2014, 00:01

A man and his wife decide to play golf but neither is very good so they sign up for lessons.

The man goes to his lesson first. The instructor says, "Show me your swing so I can evaluate you." The man swings and the instructor says, "That was good but you're holding the club too tight. Try holding it gently like you would hold your wife's breasts." The man does so and he hits the ball 250 yards!

Later, the wife goes for her lesson. Again the instructor tells her to show him her swing so that he can evaluate her. She does and he says, "You're also holding the club too tight. Hold like you would hold your husband's dick." She does so and takes her swing. Then the golf instructor says, "Try it again but this time take the club out of your mouth."

cc rider

23rd July 2014, 00:06

Joe rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe.

Poor Joe breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Joe stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They're full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they're firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Joe stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

:rofl:

cc rider

23rd July 2014, 00:10

One last one for tonight kids
CC xx

Joe is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be or else it won't start.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Joe sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Joe decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams,

"OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

cc rider

25th July 2014, 01:40

https://m.ak.fbcdn.net/sphotos-d.ak/hphotos-ak-xpf1/t1.0-9/10489908_478174215661005_3359295574598474838_n.jpg

cc rider

25th July 2014, 01:43

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . ..Dead .

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive …

So the Minister asked the congregation,

"What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,

you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service!

awayatc

25th July 2014, 06:41

What's bigamy......?

one wife to many

what's monogamy. ....?

same thing............

bogan

25th July 2014, 12:27

Not a word joke, but wait for the 'punchline' when he gets to the smallest doll...

https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/8263846912/h4273A8CB/

Laava

25th July 2014, 12:53

Not a word joke, but wait for the 'punchline' when he gets to the smallest doll...

https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/8263846912/h4273A8CB/

"Currently 467users browsing this thread"

Geeen

25th July 2014, 13:00

Not a word joke, but wait for the 'punchline' when he gets to the smallest doll...

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to bogan again.

Very clever....

caseye

25th July 2014, 18:14

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was
> relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when
> he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
>
> Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to
> his apartment and, after some small talk,
> they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
>
> After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you
> finish?"
> She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
>
> Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.
> This time she thrashed about wildly and
> there were screams of passion..
>
> The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You
> finish?"
> Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles
> closer to him and softly says, "No."
>
> Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman
> unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman
> yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages
> it, but they end together screaming,
> bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
>
> Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to
> turn his head, he looks into her eyes,
> smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
>
> Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his
> ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."

caseye

25th July 2014, 18:16

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on........

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub,
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the
stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight ...
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up
stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!

roogazza

25th July 2014, 18:37

Mmmm unsure about this one, being a Gixxer owner?
Maybe better as a Honda joke ?

299492
299493299494

cc rider

25th July 2014, 22:35

https://m.ak.fbcdn.net/sphotos-f.ak/hphotos-ak-xfp1/t1.0-9/10565109_517138448419633_7189110905072172145_n.jpg

cc rider

26th July 2014, 02:09

https://m.ak.fbcdn.net/scontent-a.xx/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/10401511_699276846808897_2090368538702269152_n.jpg ?oh=05ef5cb65319421767e21e6a7042ec19&oe=54356B4C

unstuck

26th July 2014, 07:28

<div id="fb-root"></div> <script>(function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js#xfbml=1"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, 'script', 'facebook-jssdk'));</script>
<div class="fb-post" data-href="https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=773989349325701" data-width="466"><div class="fb-xfbml-parse-ignore"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=773989349325701">Post</a> by <a href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/Antoine-Dodson/102461723145137">Antoine Dodson</a>.</div></div>

awa355

26th July 2014, 19:04

http://i1074.photobucket.com/albums/w420/awa355/Untitledpicture-25.png

cc rider

27th July 2014, 20:30

https://m.ak.fbcdn.net/sphotos-f.ak/hphotos-ak-prn2/v/t1.0-9/1545619_10153015884779298_224858359_n.jpg?oh=4b085 4b2e5c8d8d06d861dd4c3b883da&oe=5433A929&__gda__=1414151236_767d1506fdb31002c19970623aef5ec 1

roogazza

28th July 2014, 06:33

299575
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a motorcycle?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man --- "I haven't ridden a bike in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded ---- "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that…….It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and bikes."

Juniper

28th July 2014, 10:13

When God sends you help, don't ask questions

She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.

Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in the my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank you SO much? You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday. I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again sobbing. "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"

Is GOD great or what!?!

anebv8

28th July 2014, 20:28

A blonde was playing golf

when she took a big swing and fell.

The party waiting behind her was a group from

Wellington that included David Cunliffe

David quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.

She thanked him and started to leave,

when he said,

"I'm David Cunliffe and I hope you'll vote Labour in the next election.

She laughed and quickly said:

"I fell on my Butt, not my head."

roogazza

30th July 2014, 19:09

299633299629299630

Robbo

30th July 2014, 19:28

Motorcycle Safety Tip

anebv8

1st August 2014, 18:22

Two indigenous Australians were driving their well used and abused old EH Holden wagon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police "booze bus".

Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'Gidday brudders! Two cold cans of Emu Export, tanks!'

The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube!'

The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in ta dat fing, I gotta a letter from me doctor in Alice Springs saying dat I'm asthmatic

and I'll pass out if I blow inta dat.'

The cop smirked and said 'OK, in that case, we require you to give us a blood sample.'

'Nah, nah sorry, boss,' replied the driver. 'Can't be doin' that eifer. Got a letter from the Red Cross in Darwin sayin' that I'm a haemophiliac and I could bleed to deaf rel quick if I gave a blood sample. Nah, sorry, boss, can't do that!'

By now the copper was getting very irate so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.

The driver shook his head and said

'Nah, sorry boss, can't do that eifer.'

The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that as well!!!'

'Blood oath, mate!' says the driver,

'It's from Tony Abbott, the Prime Minister of this lovely Country of Australia . He's apologised, and it says that you whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!

roogazza

1st August 2014, 19:24

299667299668299669299670

cc rider

3rd August 2014, 23:07

(Borrowed from another site)

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser.
The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home...
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.
The directions said that:
A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ' Don 't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE...!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, One note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
• I had no control over the drooling.
• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Swoop

5th August 2014, 14:23

An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. so he shouts over to the bartender loudly enough that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there".

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew?
I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

gjm

5th August 2014, 20:37

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/t1.0-9/537933_574965215898873_1411949081_n.jpg

gjm

6th August 2014, 09:11

Mate of mine said to me earlier "I'm thinking of buying one of those things."
"What things?" I asked.
"Don't know what they are called," he says. "Like a van, but with bed and a stove and a fridge in it."
"Camper?"

My mate puts one hand on his hip, raises the pitch of his voice and says "I'm thinking about buying one of those things...."

cc rider

7th August 2014, 03:56

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the salesclerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."

"I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your hairy walnuts for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

avgas

7th August 2014, 08:52

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/t1.0-9/537933_574965215898873_1411949081_n.jpg
Rachel Hunter?......is that you?

I apologize to the mods re: image quotes, see I even took it out of quotes and everything.

Swoop

8th August 2014, 14:31

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden's funeral, a voice screamed from inside "I'm not dead! I'm not dead!"

To which the vicar shouted back, "Sorry, the paperwork has already been done!"

Banditbandit

8th August 2014, 17:00

https://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/t1.0-9/s526x395/10411341_620024571445236_2161571829158917128_n.jpg

Banditbandit

8th August 2014, 17:01

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old? Well.....you'll love this one!

My name is alice smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been
in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park secondary school .

'yes, yes i did.
I'm a morganner! ' he beamed with pride.

'when did you leave to go to college?' i asked

he answered, in 1965.

Why do you ask?

'you were in my class!' i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then that ugly,

old,

bald,

wrinkled,

fat arsed,

grey haired,

decrepit,

basket asked....

'what did you teach?'

Ender EnZed

8th August 2014, 17:54

What in the fuck is going on here?

http://www.trademe.co.nz/motors/motorbikes/motorbikes/sports/auction-760507044.htm

Laava

8th August 2014, 19:54

That was a fuckin good buy for eleven hunge!

Robbo

8th August 2014, 20:25

That was a fuckin good buy for eleven hunge!

Great buy for that price, should tidy up well for very little outlay.
Did you read some of his replies? I reckon he'd been having a session with Akzle on the weed.:whistle:

Ender EnZed

8th August 2014, 20:26

I reckon he'd been having a session with Akzle

I had to check the location a few times.

Akzle

8th August 2014, 20:37

Great buy for that price, should tidy up well for very little outlay.
Did you read some of his replies? I reckon he'd been having a session with Akzle on the weed.:whistle:

get phucked, i wouldnt hang out with that dropkick. What kind of fag calls themself 'bubbles'??
Oh-kay, schweet oi.

nadroj

8th August 2014, 20:59

1. Kama sutra: If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!
2. Everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs; and lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panties, pussy...No wonder men have high B P!
3. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.
4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
5. Difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!
6. Three people having sex - a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So, someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!
7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.
8. A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life..!
9. When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!". But none touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".
Moral: Hard work is never appreciated: Only result matters.

nadroj

8th August 2014, 21:02

Sometimes I like to hide my wife's purse so the neighbors think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting "Give it to me!

YellowDog

8th August 2014, 22:24

"Class, today's assignment is to spell and use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence."

"Jane, you go first..."

"Dough; D O U G H.... Italians make pizza with dough."

"Very good, Jane, now let's hear from Mary."

"Dough; D O U G H... My brother makes things with play dough."

"Yes, Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?"

"My mum says my dad doesn't make enough dough, and he's bloody hopeless in bed, so she uses a dill dough!

NordieBoy

9th August 2014, 08:31

get phucked, i wouldnt hang out with that dropkick. What kind of fag calls themself 'bubbles'??
Oh-kay, schweet oi.

Could be trademe'ing from a phone and has a really screwed up autocorrect.

Or that could be how they talk in real life. :shudder:
Probably drive a VW Golf too.

Akzle

9th August 2014, 09:07

Could be trademe'ing from a phone and has a really screwed up autocorrect.

Or that could be how they talk in real life. :shudder:
Probably drive a VW Golf too.

yeah, nah, he's a dropkick proper.

Drew

9th August 2014, 09:24

yeah, nah, he's a dropkick proper.

I think you're wrong. Pretty confident he's one of those clever cunts with a sense of humor.

anebv8

9th August 2014, 14:29

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

You can't fix stupid.

Akzle

9th August 2014, 17:11

I think you're wrong. Pretty confident he's one of those clever cunts with a sense of humor.

five bucks and a bag of chips says you're wrong. :bleh:

YellowDog

9th August 2014, 18:25

five bucks and a bag of chips says you're wrong. :bleh:

Reading the comments, I was sure it's a female? Seemed to have a girlie name.

Akzle

9th August 2014, 19:43

Reading the comments, I was sure it's a female? Seemed to have a girlie name.

i knew a dancer called bubbles once... The things her fanny could do with a dish of washing up liquid, i tell ya...

Robbo

9th August 2014, 19:55

i knew a dancer called bubbles once... The things her fanny could do with a dish of washing up liquid, i tell ya...

This was'nt her was it Akzle??

anebv8

9th August 2014, 20:25

ever wondered if your mum kissed you good night after giving your dad a blowie?? bet you are now :lol:

cc rider

10th August 2014, 20:12

https://m.ak.fbcdn.net/scontent-a.xx/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/1391650_594901467223714_1999676488_n.jpg?oh=5ae6a2 b29245a94a13a6434608a06e91&oe=545D895F

roogazza

11th August 2014, 07:04

299869299870299871

anebv8

11th August 2014, 16:56

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool , Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'

roogazza

12th August 2014, 10:57

I thought this pretty funny.
299891

slofox

12th August 2014, 14:13

I thought this pretty funny.

Me too...:rofl:

anebv8

12th August 2014, 15:16

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

_Shrek_

12th August 2014, 17:41

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday...I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "You're bullshitting me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post Office!”

roogazza

13th August 2014, 18:49

299932299933

YellowDog

14th August 2014, 07:50

According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine.

A country where people are called Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc.

And yet He managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Mathew, Andrew and Simon ...... who all drank wine!!

Now that's what I call a miracle!!!

unstuck

14th August 2014, 07:57

Swoop

14th August 2014, 12:30

Mohammed spent a lot of time up mountains, slaying goats and raping children,

Jesus spent a lot of time around the docks and managed to feed the 5000 on fish.

And that, people, is the difference between gross prophet and net prophet.

Scuba_Steve

15th August 2014, 12:44

And he is depicted as being a white dude, kinda makes you think someone has been telling porkys aye.:lol::lol:

Yea :yes: Everyone knows he was Yellow

unstuck

15th August 2014, 12:45

I would have thought more of a "coffee " color. :confused:

Scuba_Steve

15th August 2014, 12:47

I would have thought more of a "coffee " color. :confused:

Depends on the lighting really

unstuck

15th August 2014, 12:48

Depends on the lighting really

True that.:Punk::Punk:

Daffyd

15th August 2014, 12:52

And he was nearly always portrayed as an effeminate person. He was a carpenter, FFS!

unstuck

15th August 2014, 13:02

And he was nearly always portrayed as an effeminate person. He was a carpenter, FFS!

Hey, there are lots of gay carpenters around.:shifty:

Here's a joke for you...............NZ politics. :killingme:killingme:killingme:killingme:killingme

Robbo

15th August 2014, 13:08

J.C. the carpenter and member of Master Builders.:lol:

Robbo

15th August 2014, 19:00

Police have removed a large amount of material from a house belonging to Cliff Richard.

Fingers crossed it's just child porn and not new music.

Robbo

16th August 2014, 18:11

The papers are full of celebrities either killing themselves or being involved in ancient sex offences.
Thank god there are no wars or serious outbreaks of diseases they need to report on.

Good to see the police are on the ball with the Cliff Richard case:
searching premises one hundred and fifty miles from where the incident took place thirty years ago.
Watch out, Sherlock Holmes, you've got stiff competition!

"Cliff Richard, you have the right to remain silent..."
If only that had been said when he first picked up a microphone.

My parents always used to sit and listen to Cliff Richard when I was younger.
Instead of actually coming in my room and stopping him.

What's the difference between Mark Knopfler and Cliff Richard?
One's in Dire Straits. The other's in deep shit.

"Cliff," I said, "It's been all over the internet that you're a dirty, paedo cunt.
Do you have anything to say?"
"What's a cunt?" he asked.

Apparently, the under-16 allegedly assaulted by a famous singer in 1985 was killed.
Tossed off a Cliff.

I'm starting to wonder if Cliff Richard had anything to do with Rik Mayall's untimely death.
After all, it's one less Young One to testify in court.

roogazza

16th August 2014, 19:39

299983299984299985

cc rider

16th August 2014, 21:08

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied.

"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

cc rider

16th August 2014, 22:16

I might have done this one before :D Butt it makes me giggle

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John 's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, " John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

cc rider

16th August 2014, 22:48

https://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/t1.0-9/156052_768891839824481_4963580859845958715_n.jpght tps://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/10610821_768891836491148_481029947724322089_n.jpg? oh=cb8048db8769de61547a45eef0337ad8&oe=546DC924

cc rider

16th August 2014, 22:51

I was driving to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out of the window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 Kilometers each way every day to work.
That's 96 Kilometers each day.
Of these, 16 Kilometers each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 Kilometers.
That works out to 982 cars every Kilometer, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don't think so.

YellowDog

16th August 2014, 23:27

A man boarded a plane with six children.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned
over to him and asked, "Are all of those children yours ? "

He replied, " No Madam, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. "

DAMN, I WISH I COULD THINK THAT FAST :bleh:

cc rider

17th August 2014, 20:52

A blonde was driving home & got caught in a bad hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have fun with her... He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little harder, & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'

husaberg

17th August 2014, 21:11

Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and mad cow disease?
A: Two tits!

cc rider

17th August 2014, 22:41

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.

YellowDog

18th August 2014, 09:46

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?"

The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us."

Just then they came upon another! cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!

It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....

v

v

v

v

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN ! ! !

_Shrek_

18th August 2014, 10:19

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask,"did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20.And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

Daffyd

18th August 2014, 13:57

Three rules for men over 70 years old.

1. Never pass a toilet.

2. Never trust a fart.

3. Never waste an erection, (even if you are alone.)

cc rider

18th August 2014, 22:57

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem.
The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.
When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror.
The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said.
As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts.
After a few moments and some very positive 'yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again. Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.

"So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?"

"Well," said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would suit me."

Swoop

19th August 2014, 12:44

Police searching Cliff Richard's house said they were shocked at the discovery of a hidden room where numerous depraved, reviled and loathsome acts were perpetrated.

They have assured the public that specialists have been brought in to permanently seal off this recording studio.

Ntoxcated

19th August 2014, 14:26

I heard that Robin Williams isn't dead - he's just stuck in the jungle waiting for someone to roll a 5 or an 8.

cc rider

20th August 2014, 00:58

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I either have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."

Swoop

20th August 2014, 19:47

Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2007, trying to put a Mitre10 garden shed together.

cc rider

20th August 2014, 22:00

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch-less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She put them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... Enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch-less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never heard the gun shot!

YellowDog

22nd August 2014, 09:51

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ...... back and forth ... back and forth ..... in and out .......
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed .....
Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
"Okay, Okay! I can t park the bloody car!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!"

Swoop

23rd August 2014, 20:50

I've adopted a little African child. I worried that he wouldn't adapt well to our way of life...

So, to make him feel at home, I put a treadmill in front of the sink.

roogazza

24th August 2014, 19:08

Sunday pics
300197300198300199300200

unstuck

25th August 2014, 07:55

http://33.media.tumblr.com/d81bdc74971a50e9ede87474ff4d1937/tumblr_mlcto6YCtU1r6f0d9o1_400.jpg

gjm

25th August 2014, 12:30

During an international gynaecology conference, an English doctor and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently.

"Only last week," the Frenchman said, "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!"

"Don't be absurd," the English doctor exclaimed. "It couldn't have been that big... My God, man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it were."

"Ahh, you English, always thinking about size," replied the Frenchman. "I was talking about the flavour!"

gjm

27th August 2014, 13:39

My daughter was on Trade Me this morning.
Social Services aren't impressed.

You know you're getting old when you walk past a couiplle of priests and they don't even look at you.

Finally there is some good news for the homeless.
79% of accidents happen in the home.

I always carry a picture of my wife and daughter in my wallet.
It reminds me why there is never any money in there.

It's a medical fact that if a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke.
If she gets to finish the bottle she might suck it as well.

roogazza

27th August 2014, 13:54

300305300303300304

gjm

28th August 2014, 09:58

A man was walking through town one day when he saw a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything."

The man could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?"

The salesperson said "Yes, everything".

Deciding to test this, the man said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?".

The salesperson said, "A jumper for a chicken? Hold on, I will have to check in the stock room".

Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go sir, one jumper for a chicken"

"How much?" asked the man astounded.

"Three bucks." replied the salesperson.

"Three bucks for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said the man.

So away he went as happy as Larry.

Further down the street though he thought to himself that maybe he’d been done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom.

The man was mad and so he stormed back into the shop.

He screamed at the salesperson, "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom – what is going on?"

The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens.....
.... all we had was a pullover for a cock."

gjm

28th August 2014, 20:16

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/80vyAtbgcIXIgwmNtWgVYTL1Ckc-LteJ3FGj7GqbucU=w427-h480-no

roogazza

29th August 2014, 09:23

300356300357300358

_Shrek_

29th August 2014, 11:50

Grandpa and the Australian Taxation Office

The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office.

The ATO auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

BigAl

29th August 2014, 12:00

Hone Harawira was visiting a Northern primary school and the class was in
the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Hone if he would like to lead the discussion on the word
'Tragedy'..

So our future illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a
'Tragedy'.

Manu, a little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,
that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Hone... 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not', explained Hone 'that's what we would refer to as a great
loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Hone searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:

'If a plane carrying you and Mr Dotcom was struck by a 'friendly fire'
missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy...'

'Fantastic' exclaimed Hone 'and can you tell me why that would be a
tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't
be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!'

caspernz

29th August 2014, 13:30

Many variations to this one of course, but how do you pay someone a compliment and highly offend them in the same sentence?

Just say: "Nice haircut, but tell me which pet shop did you go to for that?" :dodge:

Robbo

2nd September 2014, 08:34

Marriage...

gjm

2nd September 2014, 18:42

Man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Where is section with books on pantomimes?"

"It's behind you."

cc rider

4th September 2014, 02:55

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'

cc rider

4th September 2014, 02:58

Two Lady Friends Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking
from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful
death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch
him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den
watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.. I
ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I
went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this
up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that
I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the
freezer---we'd both still be alive.

cc rider

4th September 2014, 03:14

What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store; there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help me.

I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:

.....1/3 ownership in the store,
.....a company pickup truck,
.....a king size bed and
.....$3,000 a month in living expenses."