Friday jokes

[Juniper]

Dinner at an old friend's home

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.'

The elderly lady hung her head, 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.'

[Swoop]

It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart.

One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

[gjm]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/11138576_1083939108293766_4792093244338368841_n.pn g?oh=593f6237d8f4613a505218b52bc7fd87&oe=55DD3ED0&__gda__=1437301481_ffacad210754e9644e77c53a4f56f14 d

[Shamelessly stolen from IFLS. :) ]

[Swoop]

As USA gets closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.

The last time Hilary had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky...


And Monica blew it.

[Banditbandit]

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y136/promisemydreams/Vibrator.gif

[Banditbandit]

A father is sitting at the window drinking coffee, when he sees his four-year-old daughter sitting in the garden peering intently at something. He walks down the path.

“Hi honey,” he says. “What are you looking at?”

“These spiders, Daddy. What kind are they?”

He looks down, ‘Those are daddy-long legs.”

http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/x/daddy-long-legs-spider-16256377.jpg


“What are they doing?” she asks
He looks again. “They are mating.”

http://www.permuted.org.uk/photography/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/crane_fly_mating_2809102431.jpg

“Does that mean one of them is a Mummy-long-legs?” she asks.

“No dear, they are both called Daddy-long-legs.”

“Well,” she exclaims. She jumps to her feet and stomps on the spiders. “We’re not having any of that gay shit in this garden!”

[Banditbandit]

A group of bikers is heading out of town for a run when they see, standing in the middle of a bridge, a young woman about to jump off.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AUiOegAdmPY/TfO9djOXFVI/AAAAAAAASs0/DJLN8Yv3x7Q/s1600/ts-valentijn+de+hingh2.jpg

The group stops and the leaders walks over and says to her “are you going to jump’

“Yes,” she replies

“Well,” he says, “how about a final kiss before you jump?”

“OK”, she says and wraps herself around him, giving him the most passionate kiss he’s had in his whole life.

After a few minutes he pushes her off, takes a deep breath and says “Wow, how come someone who can kiss like that be thinking of killing themselves?”

She smiles shyly – “Because my parents hate me dressing up as a girl.”

[roogazza]

310804310805310806310807310808

[Juniper]

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[Swoop]

The Archbishop of Canterbury claims that all homosexuals are just confused about a strong friendship they have.

He then shut his eyes and stopped the interview, so he could talk to his bearded friend sitting on a cloud in the sky.

[Juniper]

For many years, almost all of the things I wanted to write or say, have been stymied by a recently coined term referred to as "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS"! Although I consider myself rather fluent in the English language, that term was not in my vocabulary. My curiosity got the best of me and I decided to do a little research and after two weeks of chasing fruitless leads, I found what I'd been looking for at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence Missouri. An unnamed source there sent me copies of four telegrams that were between Harry Truman and Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the Surrender Agreement. The contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received, not a word has been added or deleted!

(1) Tokyo,Japan

0800-September 1,1945

To: President Harry S Truman

From: General D A MacArthur

Tomorrow we meet with those yellow bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions?

(2) Washington, D C

1300-September 1, 1945

To: D A MacArthur

From: H S Truman

Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!

(3) Tokyo, Japan

1630-September 1, 1945

To: H S Truman

From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz

Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?

(4) Washington, D C

2120-September 1, 1945

To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz

From: H S Truman

Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end!

[Juniper]

A man went to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replied, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he answered, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer said, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asked, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy said, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”

"The interviewer grimaced and told him, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on starting at 10 a.m., everyday."

The guy was puzzled and inquired, “If the work hours are 8 a.m. To 4 p.m., why don't you want me here until 10 a.m.?”

"This is a government job", the interviewer reminded him. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in your coming in for that."

[Swoop]

Dear Sheila's Wheels,

Please note that women do not: "make the greatest drivers" as your advert suggests.
For evidence of this in "real world terms" please see your nearest Formula 1 paddock, where you will note the only women allowed near the cars are in bikinis holding umbrellas, and that's only because they have previously agreed not to talk or touch anything.

Kind Regards,
J. Button

[YellowDog]

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!!

In God we trust!

[Smifffy]

https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/11078251_386608844858229_677316167256278845_n.jpg? oh=4cca31ff830e865e65dcb7683806957a&oe=55A1A611
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https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/11136704_417232785111914_466981549047595913_n.jpg? oh=2473843d2df5c8e26e9bf0a9795ee13a&oe=55A19696&__gda__=1436947423_21eb09d308bb5b210b3e04ce8b29d3f 6

[YellowDog]

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

[gjm]

http://youtu.be/H1DApG4Nx78

[unstuck]

https://scontent-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/13117_10204980652170941_2072004548597042063_n.jpg? oh=0286f2e4a9fd729b7444e98a173bbd0a&oe=55D3F833

[Juniper]

Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( ( USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Please send this on to any Canadian (or others) who you think will enjoy it.

[Juniper]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business.” I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. She was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..."

"Tonto," the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!

[gjm]

Maybe this is what is planned to replace Campbell Live...?

Not sure if this can be in here, or should be in the LOA. There's nothing to actually see, but perhaps not really safe for work...? (Hence no embedded video!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSnThV26lEE

[5150]

Selfie stick level 199 :cool:

https://scontent-lax.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/l/t1.0-9/10985050_10153275841010970_2731948490666291481_n.j pg?oh=38e544750099c2fd40bf843fdb51d45e&oe=5597A2C8

[Swoop]

The sex life's not been great recently so the wife's bought a dildo to spice it up a bit.

She says, "It's shaped like a carrot!" which is a ironic really, because her fanny looks like a donkey yawning.

[Smifffy]

Wife jokes, and a bunch of others: Rodney Dangerfield


https://www.facebook.com/tawanna.martin.10/videos/10205574591837288/

[Smifffy]

https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10247416_10152367257969561_212021617440604090_n.jp g?oh=cf47d046ab575aa2389c838cccfe1478&oe=559CD843

[Swoop]

BBC News: "Being obese can cut your risk of dementia".

Let's rephrase that to:

"Fat fuckers are less likely to forget where the biscuits are kept".

[YellowDog]

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions. Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea ? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine ?"
Putin says "Good questions..." But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says
"I have four questions. My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea ? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine ? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Sasha?"

[cc rider]

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her Pussycat.
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband, [the complainer] said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."
My husband and my vet don't like each other. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other.
Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!"
And he closed the door.

[unstuck]

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[awa355]

Maybe this is what is planned to replace Campbell Live...?

Not sure if this can be in here, or should be in the LOA. There's nothing to actually see, but perhaps not really safe for work...? (Hence no embedded video!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSnThV26lEE

Why did they post that?? Guy can't sing for shit:facepalm::facepalm:

[Swoop]

I hate when people say they're adrenaline junkies. You're adrenaline addicts.
Until you start sucking dick to fund your next skydiving trip you're not a junkie.

[Juniper]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful --the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "No point asking about the beard then..."

[roogazza]

310966310967310968310969310970

[Ocean1]

310969

:laugh: Thank you, I had forgotten that.

Along with many other early Japanese owners manual "translations".

[Akzle]

#4 one for cassina...

[gjm]

I came home this evening to find my wife reading a dictionary.

She's up to something...

[gjm]

More instructions:

[Swoop]

The "Bishop" came to our church today. He was a fucking impostor! Never once moved diagonally!

[Juniper]

4/20 Day...National Marijuana Day
4/21 Day... National Surprise Drug Test Day

[Juniper]

It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is good natured political humor from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!"

He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.

*He played the sax.

*He smoked weed.

*He had his way with ugly white women.

*Even now? Look at him ... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.

*Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

*Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.

*When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

*The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

*Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes.

[Juniper]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender.

[Juniper]

Gianni Poggio, an elderly Italian man who lives on the outskirts of Positano, Italy, recently went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question though ..."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

[gjm]

A real warning sign:

https://m.ak.fbcdn.net/sphotos-c.ak/hphotos-ak-xta1/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/11160676_10153314138919973_1251548600091406222_n.j pg?oh=87d7ba1fd3b959e5f4030cd43685a2af&oe=55DC4712&__gda__=1436113667_37dcde99ca04eb7977bae873416e2c5 1

[jim.cox]

310996 ten chars...

[Akzle]

A real warning sign:

[img]

i understand not the problem.

[Swoop]

In an attempt to promote peace, the Catholic church and Muslims have agreed to practice each others religions for a month.

Unfortunately it was a failure. The Muslims didn't like sex with the choirboys and the priests didn't like sex with nine year old girls.

[Swoop]

Here's a little known fact.

The average fight between men lasts 30 seconds.

The average fight between women?

30 years.




The secrets of the pyramid discovered!
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/j6PbonHsqW0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Also....
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/mBlv-eV7lek" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[gjm]

Indifference.

I can take it or leave it.

[Smifffy]

Indifference.

I can take it or leave it.

Yeah, I used to be apathetic, but now I simply don't care.

[Virago]

Yeah, I used to be apathetic, but now I simply don't care.

I was going to stop procrastinating, but I've put it off until tomorrow.

[Swoop]

I was reading that scientists have discovered that the Tyrannosaurus Rex had a 'cousin' that was vegetarian.

It must have been a bloody nightmare to have a vegetarian in the family when your arms are too short to cover your ears.

[Juniper]

Cemetery Pecan Tree
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

[Juniper]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was a wakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

[Juniper]

Word started getting out about Snow White's mirror and people really started getting the idea of wanting to inquire of the mirror themselves.
Sleeping Beauty wanted to know if she really was the most beautiful of all.

Tom Thumb wanted to make sure he really was the smallest person.

Quasimodo wanted to know that he was the ugliest. So they each went before the mirror.

As Sleeping Beauty was leaving she said "Oh, I really am the most beautiful of all!"

As Tom Thumb left he was quite pleased to know that he is indeed the smallest of all.

As Quasimodo left, he exclaimed "Who the fuck is Unstuck?"

[unstuck]

:bleh::bleh::bleh::bleh:

[Drew]

Everyone knows what rigor mortis is, yeah?

So, what is the first organ to go hard in a strangled woman?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
My cock!

[Swoop]

What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese telephone.

[gjm]

What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese telephone.

Two wings is a wong number?

Sorry.

Fowum ron't let me wep you.

[YellowDog]

http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb93/andwend/FatPeople_zpseeegelwb.jpg
______________________________________________

[Moi]

*Slips of the Tongue*
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator –
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........
Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

[Berries]

I bemoan the standard of the spelling in New Zealand but this has to be taking the piss?

[Akzle]

I bemoan the standard of the spelling in New Zealand but this has to be taking the piss?

i knew a sidney once. great legs. great legs.

[sidecar bob]

I bemoan the standard of the spelling in New Zealand but this has to be taking the piss?

But the destination abbreviation is still SYD. Demonstrates the stupidity of govt funded charter schools.

[Akzle]

today's logic-leaping class bought to you by bob:


But the destination abbreviation is still SYD. Demonstrates the stupidity of govt funded charter schools.

[Big Dog]

today's logic-leaping class bought to you by bob:

Especially given how unlikely anyone with a job has attended one.


Stupid phone / Tapatalk, apologies in advance.

[Smifffy]

But the destination abbreviation is still SYD. Demonstrates the stupidity of govt funded charter schools.

Probably wasn't even done by someone that went to school in NZ...

[husaberg]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Yes, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the Woman , slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Woman, could you step out of your vehicle please!

Woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

Woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

Woman digs into her handbag and pulls of his purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you Woman, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

[Berries]

i knew a sidney once. great legs. great legs.
I think I just met him. Now I know why it is called Darling Harbour.


Could do with shaving them but.

[Swoop]

My favourite drawings at the Muhammad cartoon festival in Texas were the two chalk outlines out front.

[Swoop]

I can't help but think that Will and Kate have missed a trick with this name thing. Elizabeth Paris Mercedes would have been a nice blend of modern and historical while also being the Cluedo answer for "what happened to Granny"?

[Smifffy]

Apparently Kate had asked the Queen what the secret was to a long and happy marriage in the Royal family.

The Queen replied "Always wear your seatbelt, and never piss me off..."

[Swoop]

Texas police have raided the homes of the two terrorists who attacked the cartoon contest in Dallas. They found a stash of:

20 AK47s
10 Uzi 9mm machine pistols
2 Rocket launchers
And a quantity of various side arms including 3 0.5" Desert Eagles

A spokesman for the Dallas police force said "I am shocked, never in my 25 year career as a law enforcement officer, have I ever encountered a domestic residence with so few firearms inside"

[gjm]

How to get chocolate into a US movie theatre...

https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-KuDLfhQ5l7E/VUlS_E9uWWI/AAAAAAAAB-0/xSDItjiEdWk/w600-h398-no/snickers.jpg

[roogazza]

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[gjm]

https://m.ak.fbcdn.net/sphotos-e.ak/hphotos-ak-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/11078161_1123382091010236_2711155794460747416_n.jp g?oh=27e8d8493295ebe0455cd7315912ca11&oe=55C6D951&__gda__=1439511782_0dae7d891b5930e45f9cca90a1f37f3 0

[Swoop]

English is weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

[gjm]

We've been looking at houses with a little land, so this is appropriate.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xft1/v/t1.0-9/11245534_841709962582012_2331362664264519709_n.jpg ?oh=8e22c801b4e7e808c621054d3e74904a&oe=55D4CBEF&__gda__=1439500133_a16cb9dcc3ca4862b1cbc8bbfd70df4 e

[roogazza]

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[gjm]

https://m.ak.fbcdn.net/sphotos-g.ak/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/1948073_10152332608755337_554438078_n.jpg?oh=8ced3 9bb39afea9fb6024ee92ff5f085&oe=55D0A0E3&__gda__=1439049016_d4484ccddefda076e0b46053a7a76d4 4

[Swoop]

Woman lost in New Zealand wilderness survives by drinking own breast milk.

Your turn Bear Grylls.

[Stirts]

Your turn Bear Grylls.

http://www.quickmeme.com/img/df/df85d36b24994d9dda40c8e243fb6da955caed3bb175bcb451 18a0436553dece.jpg

[Laava]

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure
for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine.

You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life,
and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine,
and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[Swoop]

If Muslims hate gays so much then why do they practice shoving their foreheads into a carpet while pushing their arses into the air five times a day?

[Scuba_Steve]

https://vimeo.com/126553913

[Smifffy]

If Muslims hate gays so much then why do they practice shoving their foreheads into a carpet while pushing their arses into the air five times a day?

Because they don't like tea?

[roogazza]

311938311939311940311941311942

[Swoop]

Considering Batman and Iron Man's only real superpowers were to be rich and smart, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs turned out to be pretty fucking disappointing!

[Juniper]

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.

[husaberg]

Husband: "Want a quickie?"

Wife: "As opposed to what?"

[YellowDog]

After returning from his honeymoon with his bride Virgina, Luigi stopped by his old
barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep down to Florida?"

Luigi, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she packa
big basket a food. ...She brought da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were
lookina forward to da trip, and open
upa da l uncha basket. The conductore come
aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'No eat indisa car.Musta use a dining car..'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta
at open da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car!
Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga
'is finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..'

So we go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to our sleeper car anda go to bed. We just
about to go boombada boombada .... and the conductore, he walka through da hallway
shouting at a top of his a voice..

'Nofolk Virginia ! Nofolk Virginia!'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus...."

[roogazza]

312099312100312101312102312103312104

[YellowDog]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news." "Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first." The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few Really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it. "Gee-whizz thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So, what's the other possible good news?" "Well," the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock... and we're going to shoot over there and pull her up again".

[roogazza]

All drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. So it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Smifffy]

After returning from his honeymoon with his bride Virgina, Luigi stopped by his old
barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep down to Florida?"

Luigi, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she packa
big basket a food. ...She brought da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were
lookina forward to da trip, and open
upa da l uncha basket. The conductore come
aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'No eat indisa car.Musta use a dining car..'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta
at open da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car!
Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga
'is finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..'

So we go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to our sleeper car anda go to bed. We just
about to go boombada boombada .... and the conductore, he walka through da hallway
shouting at a top of his a voice..

'Nofolk Virginia ! Nofolk Virginia!'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus...."

Fugged aboutit

[roogazza]

The parish priest advised a woman that she must give up smoking, drinking,
and sex before wedlock if she wanted to get into Heaven.

The woman said she would try her best.

The priest visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking - but
then I bent over a lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my
long slender legs. He pulled up my skirt, and made love to me right then and there."

“They don't like that in Heaven," said the priest.

The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Harvey Norman either!"

[Swoop]

A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

The Kiwi crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."

[gjm]

A US Attorneys office wanted a statement from an arresting police officer. They were told the officer was a K9, but the office insisted, so...

https://m.ak.fbcdn.net/sphotos-e.ak/hphotos-ak-xta1/v/t1.0-9/p296x100/10347069_608634742574455_3362765576917398291_n.jpg ?oh=d213c48d0af6cd43acc138f7cae4fe59&oe=55C79586&__gda__=1442518515_186c482cde028850ed7cc65d841a194 7

[gjm]

https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-0quKnLbozb4/VWUw48GxH0I/AAAAAAAACBQ/b76t_hTmiFY/w576-h383-no/photobomb.jpg

[Swoop]

Its 2.30am and a policeman is on duty on Ponsonby Road and see's one of the local queers mincing along with a bag in his hand.
The cop calls him over and say's that bag is a bit suspicious, what's in it? The queer shows him the bag and there are three bottles in it. The cop takes a bottle out, un corks it and sniffs it, "Hmm beer" he says. Takes the second bottle out, uncorks and sniffs, "Ahh, paraffin". Take the third bottle, uncorks it and sniffs. He goes out like light! When he comes round he says. "Fuck me, what was in the third bottle". The queer answers. "Chloroform, makes your arse sore eh?"

[Swoop]

"Lily Allen to quit music business over illegal downloading".

At last, proof that crime DOES pay!

[gjm]

I bought a new laptop today. It keeps playing 'Set Fire To The Rain', 'Someone Like You', and 'Skyfall'.

It's a Dell.

[MSTRS]

Sometimes we Kiwis don't do ourselves any favours...

An Oz tourist was travelling the backblocks of Nu Zuld when he spotted a bloke shagging a sheep on the long acre. At the next town he stopped at the pub for a beer. He had no longer sat down with his pint when he spotted a one-legged bloke wanking in the corner. So this tourist turned to the bartender and said "What the hell sort of country is this? I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, which apparently is quite common here, but to see a bloke wanking in public takes the biscuit. I'm disgusted." The publican says "You Aussies are heartless bastards. How the hell do you expect the poor bugger to catch a sheep?"

[YellowDog]

Yorkshire folk aye!

[roogazza]

312586312587312588312589312590312591

[ruaphu]

FIFA


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Robbo]

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed,
if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
.....Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket
and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
.....Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul
can always depend on the support of Paul.
.....George Bernard Shaw

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries
to rich people in poor countries.
.....Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government
is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
.....P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to live
at the expense of everybody else.
.....Frederic Bastiat, French economist

If you think health care is expensive now,
wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
.....P.J. O'Rourke

Just because you do not take an interest in politics
doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
.....Pericles (430 B.C.)

Talk is cheap...except when government does it.
.....Anonymous

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist
is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
.....Mark Twain

A government big enough to give you everything you want
is strong enough to take everything you have.
.....Thomas Jefferson

[gjm]

Maybe it's the cider talking, but I have come to a decision.

It's time to quit working at the tiddlywink factory.

It's counter-productive.

[Swoop]

"iF I Had a HI-Fi" is the new single by The Palindromes.

[Swoop]

How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

When your wife has to chew before she swallows.

[Robbo]

Education.....

[Akzle]

How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

When your wife has to chew before she swallows.

hahahahahahaha.

Wimmen dont give blowies after theyre married!

[Bald Eagle]

You married the wrong one then

[mashman]

Wimmen dont give blowies after theyre married!

'course they do... just not to their husbands.

[Akzle]

You married the wrong one then

hahahahahahaha. Akzle. Married.

Funny guy.

[Big Dog]

Interspecies marriage bill hasn't been passed yet.


Stupid phone / Tapatalk, apologies in advance.

[roogazza]

A guy walked into a crowded bar
waving his semi-automatic pistol, and yelled,
"I have a M1911.45 Colt with
an eight-shot magazine, and I want to know
who's been screwing my wife!"

A voice from the back of the room called out...
"You'll need more ammo!

[Swoop]

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a murder in Gore:

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

[YellowDog]

hahahahahahaha. Akzle. Married.

Funny guy.

Mrs Hand and her 4 little helpers :wacko:

[roogazza]

312743312744312745312746312747312748

[Swoop]

A picture of a British police officer helping an elderly man with his shopping has gone viral.

Americans are wondering at which point did the officer shoot and kill the old bastard.

[YellowDog]

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.


'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises....

The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to hell.

When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.



'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. Today you voted'.

[Robbo]

Willie Nelson

The younger generation may not know it
but at one time Willie Nelson was songwriter of the year.
Such songs as "Hello Wall", "Crazy" sung by Patsy Cline.
"Funny how Time Slips Away" & a host of other favourites.
He is also a well-recognized poet in his own circle of friends.
Whether or not you are a country music fan,
these are truly the words of a deep thinker. So simple, yet so profound!
Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher,
Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 80th birthday.

Here is his poem he wrote for this occasion:


"I have outlived my pecker."


My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my pride and joy,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the friggin’ thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!

[Swoop]

Appointing Chris Evans as the new presenter of Top Gear reminds me of Bruce Jenner.

Replacing a dick with a cunt.

[_Shrek_]

Appointing Chris Evans as the new presenter of Top Gear reminds me of Bruce Jenner.

Replacing a dick with a cunt.

:killingme:lol::clap::calm:

[Swoop]

:killingme:lol::clap::calm:

I guess this naturally leads on to ...



Saturn's ring is the second largest in the solar system. The largest is, of course, the BBC's paedophile ring.

[roogazza]

312889312890312891312892312893

[YellowDog]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"

Before her mother could raise a concern,

Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked,

"Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty"

[Swoop]

Driving home today, my wife was boasting about how good women are at multi-tasking, and how there's "No two things a man can do simultaneously that a woman can't".

I just sat there, scratching my balls as I reversed onto the driveway.

[gjm]

https://scontent-lax1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10171264_10153401416860350_3390535252337361740_n.j pg?oh=eb624c9e5419864c53f45c831f7b2d03&oe=55F12E58

[gjm]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10500482_781498655301619_2590025560294773523_n.jpg ?oh=2c97d27d95255d47c66484366d0031ab&oe=55EDF707&__gda__=1441971598_b1adce60cafdc7fd2c1ead2e52fe78b 8

[gjm]

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/AATrZiDGX_X9EBYqGd-w6DXDv2qUvv9rM8-Tr6B92sg=w720-h543-no

[roogazza]

313025313026313027313028313029313030

[husaberg]

"I hope you don't think I'm some sort of oddball?"

I said to my neighbour when she found me in her laundry basket.

[Swoop]

Dylann Roof is now being questioned by Police after shooting 9 black people dead in one day.

Charleston police chief Gregory Mullen said, "He went a little overboard with this unique style of job application, but we'd still like to take him on."

[Swoop]

I think the Tunisians need to add, "No machine gunning" next to the "No bombing" sign, at the pool by the beach.

[Swoop]

The Wimbledon trophies are on show this morning.
A huge gold cup for the men to drink beer from and a big silver plate for the ladies to fill with sandwiches...
For the men.

[husaberg]

The Wimbledon trophies are on show this morning.
A huge gold cup for the men to drink beer from and a big silver plate for the ladies to fill with sandwiches...
For the men.

<iframe width="554" height="310" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/mHBITslf96A" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>...................

[Swoop]

How do deaf people know if someone is screaming or yawning?:scratch:

[YellowDog]

An Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.

In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.

Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image
Staring back at him.
"How 'bout that!" he exclaims, "Here's a picture of my Fadder."

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the
Way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in

The shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go
There and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the
Mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the fat ugly bitch
he's running around with."

[Stirts]

You know you're a commitment phobe when you can't even click the "always open this type of link with this app" button on your phone and have to click "just once" repeatedly.

[husaberg]

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
















IT WAS IN TENTS

Have you heard the one about the Corduroy pillow?

















It's making HEADLINES!

What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?



















HE GOT A LITTLE BEHIND IN HIS WORK

[caseye]

Getting old and grumpy, can't remember if I've posted this one up before or not?
No worries enjoy it anyway.
NZ Thou Shalt not Steal.



I absolutely love this, who-ever thought it up is a genius, they need congratulating. enjoy

Dear Mr. Key


Please find below our suggestion for fixing NZ's economy.


Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan..
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:


There are about 200,000 people over 50 in the work force.


Pay them $1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:


1) They MUST retire.
200,000 job openings - unemployment fixed


2) They MUST buy a new car.
200,000 cars ordered - Car Industry fixed


3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed


4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed


5) They MUST buy $100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .......
and there's your money back in duty/tax etc


6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy b......s to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.


It can't get any easier than that!


P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances


If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know. If not, please disregard.


Grumpies of the World Unite


Also .

Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.


This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay $600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE NZ CONSTITUTION - They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours?
It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this -
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...... It creates a hostile work environment.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also;
Think about this .... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of NZ to speak up!

[roogazza]

313405313406313407

[husaberg]

epic
https://www.linkedin.com/pub/sebastian-goldberg/1a/b75/a04?trk=pub-pbmap

[Swoop]

If you ever feel useless then remember: it's somebody's job to fit indicators to BMWs.

Poor bastard.

[YellowDog]

I'm behind this prick who can't fucking drive, weaving all over the place - hasn't got a fucking clue.
I'm roaring "You fucking foreign bastard, learn to drive!! And while you're at it, why don't you fuck off back to your own country, you smelly prick!
You know what the cheeky bastard did? He stopped and said "Get out of my taxi!"

[roogazza]

313580313581313582313583313584313585

[YellowDog]

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the
palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on
earth he could afford such a house?

The Spaniard replied: 'You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a
grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge
with traffic lights at either end, I could afford to build this place.'

The following year, the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply
amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond
doorknobs, it was marvellous.

When he asked how he'd raised the money to build this incredible house, the
Greek mayor said:
'You see that bridge over there?'

The Spaniard replied: 'No, there's no bridge.'

[FJRider]

.................................

[Swoop]

I was called back, two days after handing in my job application to join the police force.

"We're impressed Mr Swoop, but there's an omission on your application." The sergeant interviewing me said. "You haven't answered question fourteen, what steps to take if you witness a fellow officer abusing a minority prisoner."

"Oh." I said. "I'm sorry, I didn't see it."


"Great, can you start Monday?"

[roogazza]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women

have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother

that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

[roogazza]

313682313683313684

[MD]

The European Central Bank is printing new Euro bank notes..




on Greece proof paper

[roogazza]

Airplane Food - True Story
Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Glasgow, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement..:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mixup one minute prior to takeoff, by our airport catering service... I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience."
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.. ,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."



Her next announcement came 90 minutes later...
"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."

[Swoop]

My new year's resolution was to be able to do 100 push ups by next New Year's Eve.

I'm on 87 at the moment. Hopefully I'll reach the 100th by December! :woohoo:




If millions of German families supporting millions of Greek people who do not work is called a bailout, what do you call one German family supporting one Greek bloke who doesn't work? The Royal Family.



I was really enjoying my holiday in France this year, sampling some great culture and wonderful food and drink.
It was okay until I ordered a beer in a roadside bar, had a swig and gagged.
I said to the barman, "What the fuck is this?"
He replied, "Fosters."
I took it outside and threw it into the road.
I'd just like to say sorry to the bloke on the pushbike with the yellow shirt I accidentally soaked.

[WOPR]

Did you hear the one about the spiteful Dendrite? It had an Axon to grind.

[Smifffy]

Did you hear the one about the spiteful Dendrite? It had an Axon to grind.

Great 1st post! It really touched a nerve...

[Akzle]

This Is apparently true, but i still loled.


Top Ten Lies Told by Men and Women:

Men:
1 - I Didn't drink that much
2 - Nothing's wrong, I'm fine.
3 - I had no signal
4 - It wasn't that expensive
5 - I'm on my way
6 - I'm Stuck in traffic
7 - No, your bum doesn't look big in that.
8 - Sorry, I missed your call
9 - You've Lost weight
10 - It's just what I've always wanted.

Women:
1 - Nothing's wrong, I'm fine.
2 - I don't know where it is. I've never touched it.
3 - It wasn't that expensive
4 - I Didn't drink that much
5 - I've got a headache
6 - It was on Sale
7 - I'm on my way
8 - No, I've had it for ages.
9 - No, I didn't throw it away
10 - It's just what I've always wanted.

[Subike]

Had to edit this



Top Ten Lies Told by Men and Women:

Men:
1 - I Didn't drink that much
2 - Nothing's wrong, I'm fine.
3 - I had no signal
4 - It wasn't that expensive
5 - I'm on my way
6 - I'm Stuck in traffic
7 - No, your bum doesn't look big in that.
8 - Sorry, I missed your call
9 - You've Lost weight
10 - It's just what I've always wanted.

Women:
1 - I,m cumming
2 - I don't know where it is. I've never touched it.
3 - It wasn't that expensive
4 - I Didn't drink that much
5 - I've got a headache
6 - It was on Sale
7 - I'm on my way
8 - No, I've had it for ages.
9 - No, I didn't throw it away
10 - It's just what I've always wanted.[/QUOTE]

Just a slight change

[Jase H]

Had to make some more changes:

1 - I Didn't drink that much
2 - No I wasn't looking at her tits
3 - I had no signal
4 - I love you
5 - I promise not to come in your mouth
6 - I'm Stuck in traffic
7 - No, your bum doesn't look big in that.
8 - Sorry, I missed your call
9 - You've Lost weight
10 - It's just what I've always wanted.

Women:
1 - I'm cumming
2 - I don't know where it is. I've never touched it.
3 - It wasn't that expensive
4 - I Didn't drink that much
5 - I've got a headache
6 - It was on Sale
7 - I'm on my way
8 - No, I've had it for ages.
9 - No, I didn't throw it away
10 - It's just what I've always wanted

[Akzle]

Top Ten Lies Told by Men and Women:

Women:
1 - I,m cumming


huh. :scratch: well,,
they dont have to fake it with me....

Just sayin'

[husaberg]

http://static2.stuff.co.nz/1271079162/525/3574525.jpghttp://i2.wp.com/www.whaleoil.co.nz/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/Screen-Shot-2014-12-10-at-3.11.12-pm.png

[husaberg]

like axels Cock. The message was to short
<iframe width="554" height="310" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/TywmpMQYojs" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[Swoop]

Life was so simple before I got married.

I had absolutely no idea there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.

[SVboy]

The new Islamic inflatable sex doll.

It blows itself up!

[Swoop]

I've opened a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" .

Kid's meals are $650.

[YellowDog]

A man and a woman who had never met before and who were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.”

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight... let's pretend that we're married.’

'Wow, that's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied... 'Get your own f...ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

[YellowDog]

Abdullah heard that one of his wives was leaving him. He rushed home where he found her on the carpet in front of the tent with her belongings. He sat beside her and said, “I hear you are planning to leave me?”

She replied “Yes, your other wives told me you are a paedophile!”

Abdullah thought for a minute or so and then said: “That’s a mighty big word for a 9 year old.

[YellowDog]

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

I described a typical day, "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a shit golfer."

[Swoop]

A senior policeman in China has been suspended from his job after being caught masturbating and smoking joints in his office.

No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

[mashman]

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."

[YellowDog]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'guys.' I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing the wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her.
(Even when drunk as a skunk.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her 'MIDNIGHT'.
She didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked her why, she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit,' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[roogazza]

314227314228314229

ps lol the farting cuckoo YellowDog, need to spread some !

[Tazz]

<img src="http://www.stuff.co.nz/content/dam/images/1/6/2/4/u/m/image.gallery.galleryLandscape.600x400.1624ls.png/1438125448204.jpg" />

[Robbo]

HaHaHa, brilliant Yellowdog, need to spread some more also.

[Akzle]

linux funny.

# unzip ; strip ; touch ; finger ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ; umount ; sleep

[Swoop]

How do you convince Americans to get involved in a war?

Tell them it's nearly finished!

[roogazza]

314414314415314416314417314418314419

[Swoop]

Cricket Australia. Sponsored by Immodium. Stopping you from getting the runs.

[YellowDog]

http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb93/andwend/Betty%20amp%20Phil_zps6zavhur5.jpg
___________________________

[YellowDog]

1. Teaching Maths In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1970s


A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1980s


A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ?
Yes or No

4. Teaching Maths In 1990s


A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2000s


A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this
way of making a living? Topic for class participation after
answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger
cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, feel free to express your feelings
e.g, anger, anxiety, inadequacy, helplessness etc.)
Should you require debriefing at conclusion of exam there are counsellors available
to assist you adjust back into the real world.

6. Teaching Maths In 2050 ??


هاتشيرو تبيع كارلواد من نهاب 100 دولار. تكلفة الإنتاج هو 80 دولاراً. كيف الكثيرمن المال ولم؟

[Virago]

Lol. You missed the late 70s maths though.

A logger exchanges a set, "L", of lumber for a set, "M", of money.
The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar.
Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M."
The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M"
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

[Swoop]

According to the BBC website "Curry spice kills cancer cells".

When did a Paki get into the Spice Girls?

[husaberg]

According to the BBC website "Curry spice kills cancer cells".

When did a Paki get into the Spice Girls?

my moneys on Ginger

[Banditbandit]

An old biker walks into the chemist shop and up to the counter.

"Can I help you?", asks th assistant.

"I'd like three packs of condoms please."

The assistant places three packs of condoms on the counter.

"Would you like a paper bag with that?" he asks.

"No, thanks," replies the biker, "she's quite good-looking reallty ..."

[Swoop]

What do you call an Australian with a good bat?
A vet.



What did the cricket fan miss when he went to buy a beer?
The entire Australian innings.



What's the height of optimism?
An Australian batsman applying sunscreen.

[anebv8]

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered SPINE are doctors today.

The rest of us are sending jokes via message boards.

[husaberg]

Father: Son, what are your results in the end of term examination?
Son: Underwater.

Father: What do you mean, underwater?
Son: Below "C" level

[bogan]

Did you just turn half this page into a fucking marquee? :lol:

Or is it just my comp?

[husaberg]

Did you just turn half this page into a fucking marquee? :lol:

Or is it just my comp?

I did but I fixed it.

Have you Ever tried playing tag with a edit post button while it moves across the screen...................... that was bloody funny

[YellowDog]

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You OK?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.
The boy looks at her incredulously and says, "Because I'm the Goalie !"

[Swoop]

How to race-tune your car when on a budget...

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/FmNolu_ZUpk" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[Swoop]

So. A few pictorially humorous items for this Friday.

314765314766314767314768314769314770

[Swoop]

..............
314771314772314773314774314775314776

[Swoop]

....................
314777314778

[anebv8]

I fucking love E-bay...Sold my homing pigeon 7 times last month!

[FJRider]

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

[FJRider]

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

[FJRider]

Why do women have orgasms?

Just another reason to moan, really.

[YellowDog]

A couple, both aged 78, went to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[husaberg]

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a dirt biker and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight on
Sundays and out sliding around corners, "shootin" sand washes and riding up and down the steepest, gnarliest
hills I can find at the crack of dawn."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's why he's
still alive... he's a dirt biker."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 117 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went dirt bikin' with you this Sunday too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Good Lord!!! Why would a 117-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

[husaberg]

What's the difference between a Harley-Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?

The location of the dirt bag!

What's the difference between a dog on the back porch whining and your wife on the front porch whining about your motorcycle?

When you let them in, the dog stops whining!

What do German shepherds and Harleys have in common?

They both like to ride in the back of trucks.

[roogazza]

314912314913314914314915314916314917

[Swoop]

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

[FJRider]

Q: How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

A: She fits into your wife's clothes.

[YellowDog]

The first, a Invercargill surgeon, says "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.

The second, a Dunedin surgeon, responds "Yeah, but you should try electricians! everything inside them is colour coded "

The third, Auckland surgeon, says " No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order "

The fourth, a Christchurch surgeon, chimes in " You know, I like construction workers.... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over "

But the fifth, a Wellington surgeon, shuts them all up when he observed: " You are all wrong, politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and the head and the 4RSE are interchangeable.

[Swoop]

What do Islam and a sat-nav have in common?

You think you're on the right path, but follow them literally and you'll end up smashing into a fucking building.

[husaberg]

This contains likely the best ever online troll ever.
315164

[husaberg]

My pick

315171

[Robbo]

The Chain Letter

[anebv8]

“ These are actual comments made on students report cards
by teachers in the New York City public school system.
All these teachers were reprimanded.”

But, if it IS, True,
The, ’teachers’, who have the Bal**, to say,
What is What,
In the hope that, ’that’, comment, will change the student, (for the better)
Are, SCOLDED, by the P. C. Police.


1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

[Drew]

Those comments are fucken funny, in mearly any other context.

It is not PC bullshit, to expect a teacher to be respectful or professional.

Anyone struggling to understand that, is getting a lesson in irony. The real irony, not that dumb bitch Morrisette's idea of irony.

[Virago]

It snowed on my wedding day.

That wasn't ironic either.

[anebv8]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

[anebv8]

A woman was having an affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I am an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.



The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"

[roogazza]

315415315416315417315418315419315420

[roogazza]

315463315464

[Banditbandit]

Bill and Hillary

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said: "I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

And Hillary did so promise.

Through the entire 30 years of their marriage, Hillary had never looked. But, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her. She lifted the lid and peeked inside.

Inside the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box, and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I'm so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. And now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I'm disappointed and saddened by your behaviour; however, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen, and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre."

[Swoop]

Bob Geldof says he'll open his home to four refugee families...

With his parenting record, I think I'd rather risk a dinghy with forty others.

[Robbo]

Old McDonald:rolleyes:

[Swoop]

There's definitely a stigma attached to buying flowers, I thought to myself at the checkout.

"Oh, you," said the cashier, rolling her eyes. "What have you done?"

"Killed a cyclist," I replied.

[husaberg]

posted by.....

315464

So that's bloody what the nats meant by a rockstar economy....................

315558
315559

[husaberg]

http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/f3/fc/74/f3fc7426b8b6cb798bb8dadea4f67c3c.jpg

[ElCoyote]

http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/f3/fc/74/f3fc7426b8b6cb798bb8dadea4f67c3c.jpg

A pun my word

[Swoop]

The winners of the palindrome race have been announced.

Huge congratulations to driver and co-driver, brothers Bob and Otto Hannah from Ekalaka lake in their Civic racecar.

[YellowDog]

A secondary school teacher was arrested today at Auckland's International airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, an NZ Border Control spokesman said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle.

When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Andrew Little said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Winston Peters told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.

[husaberg]

Yokel..............................


Planes- made from thin sheets of alloy
building- made from thick steel and concrete

[Swoop]

"We're deeply sorry about the crane malfunction" stated a representative from the Rent-A-Crane company.
"Every effort is made to ensure a complete safe working environment" stated spokesman, Abraham Goldberg.

[anebv8]

Rules for visiting NZ's South Island are:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap the right way around, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a Ute because I want to. No matter how slowly you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? SH1 goes North, find it and bugger off.

5. So you have an $80,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 harvesters that are driven only three weeks a year.

6. Every person in the South waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/quail are coming in during the season, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You’d better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time...

8. Yes, we eat trout, salmon, deer, and duck... You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of duck season. It's a religious holiday, we will observe it.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'Vegetarian Special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Watties tomato sauce! Oh, yes - we don't care what you folks in Ponsonby call that stuff you eat... IT ISN'T REAL CHILLI!!

13. You bring Coke into my house, it had better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she’d better be cute, know how to shoot and drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Rugby is as important here as the All Blacks, the Highlanders, and the Crusaders, and is a heap more fun to watch.

15. Yes, we have golf courses - but don't hit the water hazards, it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap isn't music. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers, refer back to #1!

17. For role models refer to the "Mainland Cheese" and "Speights" boys 'good on ya, mate'!

A true South Islander will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends who probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in the hope you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!!

[mossy1200]

NUDE BEACH ....... !!!

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger


than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother

that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the
silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

[Swoop]

Last week, The Queen became England's longest ever reigning monarch.

Hardly surprising considering she has two Birthdays each year and is therefore technically 198.

[YellowDog]

http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb93/andwend/CarinGround_zpsfftkyawk.jpg

[5150]

I fail to see a funny side to the photo above......:confused:

[husaberg]

I fail to see a funny side to the photo above......:confused:

Go have a look at the 911 thread.

[husaberg]

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QcX7k03R6Xw/TxRbS2aBtPI/AAAAAAAAB04/LkT9rUCxuNA/s1600/i+hope+the+girls+notice+my+new+scarf.jpg

[gjm]

A friend took a lass on their first date last night.

I asked "What's her name?"

He replied, "Simile."

"Unusual name," I said. "How did the date go?"

"Not very good. I don't know what I met her for."

[roogazza]

315868315869315870

[Swoop]

I just got an email from TripAdvisor entitled: Syrian migrant crisis, what will you do to help? So I immediately logged in and gave Syria a great review. Maybe that way they'll all fuck off back.

[gjm]

https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/11990451_716303078475277_6161590669407110438_n.jpg ?oh=9f2371bd1874b8ae38ae1eb87f55cc34&oe=5668F362

[anebv8]

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: "I have some good
news and, I have some bad news…"

The tycoon replies: "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news
first?

The lawyer says: "Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this
week that she figures are worth a minimum of $20 to $30 million."

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: "Well done… my wife is so smart!
You've just made my day; now what's the bad news?"



The lawyer answers: "The pictures are of you with your secretary.

[gjm]

A woman who is 6 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 4 months later she awakes, and ask the doctor about her baby.

"You had twins," the doctor said. "A boy and a girl. They are both fine and healthy. Luckily, your brother named them for you."

"Oh no!!" she said. "He's so thick you wouldn't believe it! What did he name the girl?"

"Denise," said the doctor.

"Oh. That's not so bad. I quite like Denise... What did he name the boy?"

"Denephew."

[Swoop]

I went into a fish & chip shop last night and asked, "Do you serve ginger people here?"

The guy laughed and replied, "Yes, of course we do. Now what can I get for you?"

Horrified, I silently backed out of the shop.

[anebv8]

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

* My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

* My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

* My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

* "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all that property".

Sarah replies, "Property ? .... he had a paper route!"

[Swoop]

Two scientists walk into a bar, and decide to have a drinking contest.

The first walks up to the barmaid and says, "I'll have a glass of H2O, please."

The second scientist says, "I'll have a glass of H2O, too."

Needless to say, the first scientist won.

[husaberg]

Two scientists walk into a bar, and decide to have a drinking contest.

The first walks up to the barmaid and says, "I'll have a glass of H2O, please."

The second scientist says, "I'll have a glass of H2O, too."

Needless to say, the first scientist won.

Yeah the second one was Blonde too

[Big Dog]

Certainly lost some of his colour as the game progressed.

Sent via tapatalk.

[Robbo]

A little Catholic sense of humour.





'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks,

'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later

so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped,

and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to

atone. You cannot be an altar boy now

for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,

'What'd you get ?'

'Four months holiday and five good leads...'

[Swoop]

J.A.W.




Seems quite appropriate for this thread...

[Swoop]

I can't believe how strong the winds were last night.

I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the fucking pub.

[Big Dog]

I can't believe how strong the winds were last night.

I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the fucking pub.
I've been blown in a pub or two. Not sure where the wind comes in though.

Sent via tapatalk.