Friday jokes

[roogazza]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'


'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'


'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'


'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. \

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'


The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'


'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the Austpost man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'

'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot..

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'

[SPman]

I was sitting at a Red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.



A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-Aussie slogans, with a half- burned flag duct-taped to the boot lid of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan, spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.



Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.



For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Bloody hell! That could have been me !" So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.

[YellowDog]

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God? for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM .. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
--------------------------

[roogazza]

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[YellowDog]

I took my son out for his first pint of beer.

Got him a Steinlager........................ he didn't like it ...........................I had it.
Then I got him a Speights................ he didn't like it...........................I had it.

It was the same with Guinness.........................and then a cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the pram!

[YellowDog]

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
– John Glenn

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.'
We closed our eyes. When we opened them...we had the Bible and they had the land!
– Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.
– David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.
– Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the Pawn go into the same box.
– Italian proverb

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
– Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
– Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
– Emo Philips

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
– Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
– Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
– Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
– Jean Rostand

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
– Arnold Schwarzenegger

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
– W.H. Auden

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
– Johnny Carson

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
– Steve Martin

America is so advanced, that even the chairs are electric.
– Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
– George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
– Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
– Robert Benchley

[Swoop]

I was in the process of preparing the Christmas turkey but it was getting a bit stressful.

I took a deep breath and asked myself "what would Nigella do"?

So I smoked a joint and had two lines of cocaine.

[Swoop]

At a Christmas party the other day & I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."

[roogazza]

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Last one's not a joke but I needed to post.

[Swoop]

Scientists examining global warming are stuck on a boat in the Antarctic.

The ice is so thick it doesn't understand what global warming is.

[Geeen]

10 characters

[roogazza]

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[Swoop]

Kids are not as interested in the actual toy as the box that it came out of.

Which is weird because that's how most blokes feel about kids.

[Swoop]

It's odd that Thelma & Louise spend an entire film challenging sexist stereotypes, then die at the end because of their terrible driving.

[crazyhorse]

One day a little boy called Johnny was sitting in a church. He had to go to the bathroom so he said to his mother, ''Mummy, I have to piss.''
His mother said, ''Johnny, don’t say piss in church! Next time you have to use the bathroom, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.
The next Sunday, Johnny had to go to the bathroom again. This time he was sitting next to his father, so he said to his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''
His father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''

[Daffyd]

Something happened to me down at the Viaduct last Saturday night. Tried to get into one of those up-market bars, and the bouncer said I couldn't come in because I didn't meet the dress standards. I asked him what was missing and he said I need a tie! I couldn't believe it in this day and age, and he knew all the shops were shut. But I got him - I realised I had some jumper leads in my car, so I went back and fashioned a tie (of sorts) out of the red and black leads.

I went back to the bar and asked him if I could come in now.

He said "OK - but don't start anything"

[Smifffy]

The same thing happened to me down at the Viaduct last Saturday night. Tried to get into one of those up-market bars, and the bouncer said I couldn't come in because I didn't meet the dress standards. I asked him what was missing and he said I need a tie! I couldn't believe it in this day and age, and he knew all the shops were shut. But I got him - I realised I had some jumper leads in my car, so I went back and fashioned a tie (of sorts) out of the red and black leads.

I went back to the bar and asked him if I could come in now.

He said "OK - but don't start anything"

How is that the same thing?

[haydes55]

How is that the same thing?







He started pissing in the bouncers ear?

[Daffyd]

How is that the same thing?

There, fixed it just for you, Smiffy. Picky, aren't we?

[roogazza]

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[crazyhorse]

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."


The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."


Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

[Swoop]

First Schumacher, now Merkel.

The Germans haven't been this unlucky with snow since Stalingrad.

[Banditbandit]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, let's save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'

Mummy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

[Akzle]

Moral:
Sometimes women* need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

. .

[unstuck]

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

:clap::clap::niceone:

[nadroj]

A new vibrator has gone on sale...It's so realistic,that just before the woman reaches orgasm,it cums,coughs,farts,goes limp,then switches itself off!!

[crazyhorse]

My mum caught me going down her knicker drawer last night.

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed.

"Relax," I said, "I'm just looking for some batteries."

"I thought you were being a pervert," she said, "What do you need them for?"

I said, "Your vibrator has stopped working."

[nadroj]

My Missus gets everything mixed up......I get my steaks well done, and my Blow Jobs are Rare.

[nadroj]

Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal immigrants wearing Labour tee shirts, four thieving Politicians, two Muslim Clerics, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, three Union flag burners, and a Jimmy Savile look-alike…….

FOR THE LAST TIME...

MY DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!

[Juniper]

Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal immigrants wearing Labour tee shirts, four thieving Politicians, two Muslim Clerics, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, three Union flag burners, and a Jimmy Savile look-alike…….

FOR THE LAST TIME...

MY DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!

Heard that one before and still love it.

[Swoop]

The Pope was arguing with an Atheist about the existence of God and failing to get his point across. They had been arguing for two hours and finally the Pope in frustration sat down.

"Listen," said the Pope, "You are like a man in a dark room, with no lights and windows, wearing a blindfold looking for a black cat that isn't there. What do you say to that?"

The Atheist thought for a moment.

"Yes your Holiness, you are probably right," he said, "but you are also like a man in a dark room, with no lights and windows, wearing a blindfold looking for a black cat that isn't there. The only difference is, you have found the cat."

[crazyhorse]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
:lol:

[roogazza]

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ps sorry I've done that 2nd one before, ahh I mean i've posted that before !

[Stirts]

According to Coco Chanel, you should only spray perfume where you'd like to be kissed.

Silly bitch. It burns like fuck.

[husaberg]

I guess most people have seen this but still funny to read again.
http://reluctantmom.wordpress.com/2012/08/30/veet-for-men-hair-removal-gel-creme-200ml-review-too-funny-not-to-share/

[Juniper]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

What would you choose?

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"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."

Do you want a room with or without a view?

[Juniper]

One day the Lord came to Adam and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news."

Adam said, "Well, give me the good news first." The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
===============
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. He freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "its a soap dispenser." To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood....sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.

The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells! "Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion too!"
===================
There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother, on the other hand, was bad and did all the things that men should not do and didn't care who he hurt.

The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there and he was very happy.

One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there.

God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother. So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.

Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with You. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde. It hardly seems like a punishment".

God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."

[Juniper]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

[Juniper]

This Chinese man moved into his new home in Australia. His Aussie neighbor, being the nice Aussie bloke that he was, decided to make him
feel welcome. He went next door to wish him welcome.

He was shocked to see the Chinese man in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad.

"Must be a Chinese custom" he thought to
himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Chinese man When he looked through his window, he saw the Chinese man urinate into a cup and
drink it.

"Must be a Chinese custom" he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till tomorrow, he went on with other stuff.

The third day, he was determined he had to welcome the Chinese man. At his gate, he saw the Chinese man with his ear pressed against a cow's arse.

He became angry and went up to the Chinese man.

"I'm sorry sir, I want to wish you a welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Chinese customs!" He yelled in the Chinese man's face.

The Chinese man looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are
actually Australian customs. I was told, to become an Australian, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit."

[Juniper]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an Important Meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me A Parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life And Give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

[Juniper]

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the Cemetery fence.
One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery."
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk. "When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.

[cc rider]

15 minutes of Friday left over here....



A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.

'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give Life..'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

[roogazza]

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[Swoop]

Just put some trousers on I last wore at a wedding in 2004 and found a Nokia 3210 in the back pocket.

It's still got 2 bars of battery on it!

[crazyhorse]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left hand... nothing. So my wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth... nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing. The doctor replied, "Wait a minute, did you say your wife's friend too?!" The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."

[Smifffy]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/1546405_702399276448117_87527393_n.jpg

[crazyhorse]

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

[Juniper]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Some old men can still think fast...

[Juniper]

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!";

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered;

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....

"Well, OK...but only for a minute." She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and
began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them;

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...

OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?

[Juniper]

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

[Juniper]

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Regina Saskatchewan.

He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is 32 below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.

Wind chill is -59. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

[Juniper]

Honey... I'm having one last drink with the boys.
If I'm not back in 30 minutes, read this message again.

[husaberg]

http://www.funnysigns.net/files/cat-puns-400x398.jpg

[husaberg]

http://www.laughroulette.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/MEMES-cat-remotely-funny.jpg

[Juniper]

Hehe loving them!

[husaberg]

Hehe loving them!

Oh you will make me blush.:love::o


http://www.bottomsupcomic.com/comics/2009-09-04-Skid-Marks.jpg

[Smifffy]

[QUOTE=husaberg;1130662259]Oh you will make me blush.:love::o


I'm thinking of going from kinky to perverted; do I need to thaw the chicken first?

[husaberg]

[QUOTE=husaberg;1130662259]Oh you will make me blush.:love::o


I'm thinking of going from kinky to perverted; do I need to thaw the chicken first?

If you were ready to be perverted you wouldn't need to ask

[Juniper]

From bondage to spiritual faith;
From spiritual faith to great courage;
From courage to liberty;
From liberty to abundance;
From abundance to complacency;
From complacency to apathy
From apathy to dependence;
From dependence back into bondage.

[Geeen]

[QUOTE=husaberg;1130662259]Oh you will make me blush.:love::o


I'm thinking of going from kinky to perverted; do I need to thaw the chicken first?

That depends on how kinky you want to get... :msn-wink:

[Banditbandit]

Chickens are for pussies ...


http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x204/chicklady/chicken-cat3.jpg

[roogazza]

292346292349292351292352292353292354

[Robbo]

Economical

[Swoop]

No wind or rain forecast for tomorrow.

The Met Office have advised everyone to make unnecessary journeys.

[Smifffy]

Pics. And shit

The majority of those should have gone into the pics that make you jizz thread. Esp that last one :innocent:

[Juniper]

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men' Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. But I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.

But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, So I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

Signed,
Bob

EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on January 4th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club ammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it.

[roogazza]

The majority of those should have gone into the pics that make you jizz thread. Esp that last one :innocent:
Probably right Smifffy,
292483

For juniper,
292482

[HenryDorsetCase]

please do not...........

[Stirts]

In days of old when men were bold
and toilets weren't invented
they did their load
beside the road
and walked away contented.

In days of old when men were bold
and paper not invented
they'd wipe their arse
with bits of grass
which left them freshly scented.

In days of old when men were bold
and rubbers weren't invented
they'd wrap a sock
around their cocks
and babies were prevented.

In days of old when men were bold
and women weren't particular
they'd line them up against the wall
and fuck them perpendicular.

[Banditbandit]

My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.

Apparently the response: "Don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.

[husaberg]

My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.

Apparently the response: "Don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.

Gee I guess some women can be hard to please
Don't get me wrong The way i understand it... as long as I are finished quickly they have more time to cuddle and talk about their feelings, while i go straight to sleep.....

[Smifffy]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/1558410_801270436553827_709680396_n.jpg

[Robbo]

My Weed.....

[MSTRS]

Two guys in their mid-twenties were sitting at a bar. One of the guys says to his buddy "Man you look tired".
The buddy says "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do!"
A fellow sitting a couple of stools down had over-heard the conversation, looked over at the two young men and says "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit...!!!"

[MSTRS]

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?" "Well" drawls the farmer "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke". She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay" she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say "Huh?"

She says "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers". She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.

Jed says "Luke?" Luke says "Yeah, Jed?" Jed says "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah" says Luke "I remember". "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope" says Luke "I reckon not". "Me, neither" says Jed "Let's take these things off".

[MSTRS]

It is Grandpa's 100th birthday. All the family is gathered to help him and Grandma celebrate. Someone asks how come he is so fit and healthy looking. Grandpa says "Well, it's like this. It's exercise and fresh air. When Grandma and I got married 75 years ago, we made a pact that if ever we disagreed about anything then the one who was wrong would take a walk. I've been walking every day for 75 years"

[husaberg]

10 carrots actor

[kevfromcoro]

A young boy went to his mum and said... why are you white, and iam black?
Don't get me started says mum.
From what I can remember of that night,,, yr lucky you don't bark

[cc rider]

https://m.ak.fbcdn.net/sphotos-e.ak/hphotos-ak-prn2/t1/1506034_609989382407005_1751798275_n.jpg

[cc rider]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'

[cc rider]

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY AN AUSTRALIAN GIRL

Three mates married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Greek girl.
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Australia .
He told her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.

[husaberg]

http://img3.owned.com/media/images/1/7/6/1/17611/camping_sex_540.jpg

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-E9ARN25gpEc/TyErdSfgz-I/AAAAAAAAFK8/Bqb2NOaECWE/s1600/facebook%2Bfunnies%2Bsex%2Bon%2Bfacebook.jpg

http://wanna-joke.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/funny-gif-flirting-toblerone.gif

[Juniper]

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.”

The second bull says, “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight ‘im till I run him off or kill ‘im, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.”

The third bull says, “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.”

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, “Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”
The second bull says, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”
They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

The third bull says, “Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’M a bull!”

[Juniper]

Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.

Kevin’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do?
Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove.

“Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and Melissa came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘guess who?’ I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, “Do whatever you want.”

So, here I am.

[Juniper]

There were two statues, male and female, standing opposite one another in the park. Just as dawn was breaking, an Angel appeared and brought them both to life.

The Angel said that it had been decided to give them a half hour of time to do what humans do. He looked at her, she looked at him, and holding hands ran off into bushes and trees together. There followed 15 mins of grunts, groans, and deep sighs. They finely appeared looking hot and flushed.

The Angel said that they still had a quarter of an hour left, and would they like to make use of it. He looked at her, she looked at him, and he said " would you like to do it again"? She said "yes please" He said "Ok this time I'll hold the birds down and you can crap on them".

[Juniper]

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and three years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Romania, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead

[Juniper]

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said. 'I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.'
'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. 'Let's see you do it.'
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 'All right, Dumb Ass, get in

[Juniper]

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila...floor.

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

4. The main reason that santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self- help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

7. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

9. Is there another word for synonym?

10. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

14. Why do they lock petrol station toilets? Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them?

15. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

17. If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

18. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

19. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

20. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

21. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

22. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra? (I needed to think about this one!)

23. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

24. How is it possible to have a civil war?

25. If a man says something and there's no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

26. If the plural of mouse is mice, and the plural of louse is lice, is more than one spouse spice?

27. Can an atheist say "OH MY GOD!" when he/she is having an orgasm?

28. If the bloke that invented the Drawing Board got it wrong. What would he have gone back to?

29. If Popeye has the strength to squeeze a can of spinach so hard that the spinach pops out of the can and flies into his mouth, then why does he need the spinach in the first place?

[Juniper]

Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I want you to take
care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: 'So,Murphy, how was your day?'
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'
'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' Asks the doctor

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a
young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue,
she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties
and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:

'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

'Thundering' lard Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes!'

[Juniper]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burnt out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, " I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler.

[roogazza]

Not friday but this just seemed funny.Maybe it's my age ?:laugh:
292721

[Juniper]

On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband and said "Honey, do your remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.

"She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He was not much in the mood for this, but he sighed and responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh, baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'"

She giggled and said, "Yes, dear,that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee.

What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission accomplished."

[Juniper]

TRADITIONAL AUSTRALIAN FARMING:

You have two sheep.

You sell one and buy a ram.

Your flock multiplies, and the economy grows. You buy out your

Neighbours

You sell the lot and retire on the income.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: (Workchoices!)

You have two sheep.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the wool of four sheep.

You are surprised when the sheep drops dead.

FRENCH CORPORATION:

You have two sheep.

You go on strike because you want three sheep.

JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two sheep.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary sheep

and produce 20 times the wool.

You then create clever sheep cartoon images called Sheepkimon and

market them worldwide.

GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two sheep.

You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and

shear themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:

You have two sheep.

Both die from foot and mouth.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two sheep, but you don't know where they are.

You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two sheep.

You count them and learn you have five sheep.

You count them again and learn you have 42 sheep.

You count them again and learn you have 12 sheep.

You stop counting sheep and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:

You have 5,000 sheep, none of which belong to you.

You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:

You have two sheep.

You have 300 people shearing them.

You claim full employment, high productivity, and arrest the newsman

who reported the numbers.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:

You have two sheep.

That one on the left is kinda cute.

[Juniper]

A blonde and a brunette get into an elevator and punch in two of the highest floors. They do not know each other, so they stay to themselves.

About halfway up to their respective floors, a balding gentleman enters the elevator with them, with some of the most atrocious dandruff either of the women had even seen gracing the shoulders of his suit. He didn’t seem to notice, but they were practically revolted for the trip.

His floor came up quickly and as the door shut from his exit, the brunette looked up to the blond and commented “That man needs to get some Head and Shoulders.”

The blonde got really confused before asking, “Wait, how do you give shoulders?

[Banditbandit]

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_jan2014/GetPharked.jpg

[husaberg]

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR rated

[cc rider]

It will be Friday in 4 days & I''ll be busy working on 'new' old bike...



A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

a couple always had sex doggy style: He sat up and begged and she rolled over and played dead.

[Juniper]

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR rated

That doogie costume is awesome!

[Banditbandit]

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.

A sign read: 'Don't miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.

Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign
'Don't miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman'.

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know Something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts

'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be!!!!!!!!!'

[Juniper]

What did one Lesbian Frog say to the other Lesbian Frog?
How about that, we do taste like chicken!

One Wish - British
A man walks into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat. He goes up the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat."
The unlikely trio find a table, sit down and drink their drinks. Next, it's the ostrich's round. He walks up to the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat." Then the ostrich takes the drinks back to the table and they drink them. When it comes to the cat's turn to buy a round, he simply tells his pals to "Sod off!"
So the man goes back to the bar and asks for another two beers and a whisky.
Impressed at his generosity, the barman says: "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why do you hang out with him?"
The man replies: "I once helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish, which landed me with the cat and the ostrich forever."
"What did you wish for?" enquires the barman.

"A long-legged bird with a tight pussy

Gisajob
An Irish man is sitting a a bar drinking
A flamboyantly gay man comes up to him and asks, "can i give you a blow job?"
The Irishman stands up and punches the gay man.
The bar tender comes over and asks, "Why did you hit that guy?"
The Irish man replied, "He said somethin about me gettin a job"

[Juniper]

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.

When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin.

When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in and orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!

Tis me ... I've quit drinking!"

[Juniper]

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?

Because she knows she has given her last blow job

[Juniper]

Barry decided to propose to Janice, but prior to her acceptance Janice felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Barry that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Barry felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.

Barry looked Janice in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we are married.'

She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky.'

Janice and Barry got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Barry whisked Janice off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another.

As Janice put her hands in Barry's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Barry ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'

'Yes, it is Barry said ... 6 pounds, 5 ounces, 14 inches long

[Juniper]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket,
the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the ranch...er. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"

[Juniper]

A young lady got on a train and found a seat opposite a Scotsman, who was wearing a kilt. After awhile her curiosity got the better of her and she asked him if was true that Scotsmen wore no underpants when waring the kilt. The Scotsman said " why don't you put your hand up and find out" So the young lady did, and giving a little shriek withdrew her hand quickly and said "It's gruesome"
The Scotsman said "Aye lass, and if you put your hand back it'll grew some more"

[Juniper]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting
for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped
and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt
was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still
couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time she attempted the step, and once again,
much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little
smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I
would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three
times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[Juniper]

If you had bought $1,000.00 of Qantas shares one year ago, you would
have $49.00 today!

If you bought $1,000.00 AIG shares one year ago, you would have$33.00
today!

If you bought $1,000.00 worth of Lehman Brothers shares one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today!

BUT..... if you purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank
all the beer, then returned the aluminum cans for recycling....
YOU WOULD HAVE RECEIVED $214.00!!!

BASED ON THE ABOVE, THE BEST CURRENT INVESTMENT PLAN IS TO
DRINK HEAVILY AND RECYCLE!


AND,DID YOU KNOW...

A recent study found that the average Kiwi walks 900 MILES A YEAR!!!

Another study found that Kiwi's drink, on average, 22 GALLONS OF ALCOHOL A YEAR!!!

THAT MEANS THAT, ON AVERAGE, KIWI'S GET ........ 41 MILES TO THE GALLON.
better than an Ipsum
but not as good as a Suzuki!!

MAKES YOU PROUD TO BE A KIWI, DOESN'T IT?

[ellipsis]

BBC News....Suicide Bombers on Strike...

Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland , Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

[Banditbandit]

If you had bought $1,000.00 of Qantas shares one year ago, you would
have $49.00 today!



Jeez Girl - between 9.48 and 10.03 you posted eight jokes ???

Why don't you and Husaberg get a room, relieve your frustrations .. and stop taking up KBer server space ...

[Smifffy]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket,
the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the ranch...er. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"

Unfortunately in the USA of today the feds will shoot the bull, a lot of the other livestock, and then detain the farmer.

[Banditbandit]

A father goes into his daughter’s bedroom and sees a letter addressed to “Mum and Dad” on the bed. With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:




Dear Mum & Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling you that I’ve eloped with my new boyfriend. I’ve found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos and his stolen Harley.

But it’s not only that, I’m pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in Epping Forest. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s one of my dreams too.

I’ve learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and Ahmed’s friends. They’re the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want.

In the meantime we’ll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better. He deserves it.

Don’t worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn £200 per scene. I get a £200 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene and an extra £100 for the Alsatian.

Don’t worry Mum. Now I’m 14 I know how to take care of myself. Someday we’ll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.

Dad, found the cash you were hiding from mum, but don't worry we left you a few quid.

Your loving daughter,

Angelina.

P.S Dad. For God's sake calm down. It’s not true.

I’m actually watching TV at the neighbours.

I just wanted to show you that there really are worse things in life than England losing the Ashes 5 nil to the Aussies.

[Juniper]

Jeez Girl - between 9.48 and 10.03 you posted eight jokes ???

Why don't you and Husaberg get a room, relieve your frustrations .. and stop taking up KBer server space ...

Saying you don't like my twisted sense of humour? :p :(

[unstuck]

Saying you don't like my twisted sense of humour? :p :(

Keep up the good work Juniper.:Punk::Punk:

[bogan]

Saying you don't like my twisted sense of humour? :p :(

Bufoonbufoon is just jealous of your funny jokes, pay him no mind. :2thumbsup

[Laava]

Jeez Girl - between 9.48 and 10.03 you posted eight jokes ???

Why don't you and Husaberg get a room, relieve your frustrations .. and stop taking up KBer server space ...

Is 15min gonna be enough?

[Stirts]

Is 15min gonna be enough?

14mins.35secs to get past the 'playin' hard to get ... plenty many for him!

<img src="http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/a6wDboe_460sa.gif"></img>

[Geeen]

Is 15min gonna be enough?

Depends if Husaberg brings them thar chickens......:laugh:

[ellipsis]

A broadcaster speaking in Auckland, says, "I am truly perplexed that
so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in
Auckland. I think it should be the goal of every NZ'er to be tolerant
regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be
allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to
the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We
could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ",
and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and
adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq o'
Ribs."
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps
Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy
shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the
other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."

All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they
demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for
others."

[Banditbandit]

Saying you don't like my twisted sense of humour? :p :(

Not at all .. it just looks like you have no real life ...

[Stirts]

in an effort to promote tolerance.

We Muslims do not rise to your bait.
We are a proud, noble, godly, kind, compassionate, gentle, plane hijacking, loving, friendly, bus bombing, caring, affectionate, train bombing, tolerant, graceful, woman hating, peaceful, spiritual, infidel burning, welcoming and warm people.

I kill you.

[Juniper]

Not at all .. it just looks like you have no real life ...

Eh its called currently job hunting and have KB and source of jokes on this thingy called a smart phone.

And how is spending 15min posting jokes not a life?

[bogan]

And how is spending 15min posting jokes not a life?

I'd be more concerned about the guy who a) noticed how long it took for you to post them and b) made assumptions based on how you spend a 96th of your day then c) took the time to point all this out :innocent:

[Akzle]

I'd be more concerned about the guy who a) noticed how long it took for you to post them and b) made assumptions based on how you spend a 96th of your day then c) took the time to point all this out :innocent:

theoretical mathematics is more fun. you can just make shit up.

[Robbo]

Saying you don't like my twisted sense of humour? :p :(

Love your jokes Juniper, keep up the good work.

Cheers:laugh:

[husaberg]

Jeez Girl - between 9.48 and 10.03 you posted eight jokes ???

Why don't you and Husaberg get a room, relieve your frustrations .. and stop taking up KBer server space ...

I think you don't understand the subtle differences between Right click of the mouse and Double clicking Junipers mouse.
We enjoy a friendly repartee a bit of a giggle not a bit of slap and tickle.


Is 15min gonna be enough?

WTF do you seriously expect me to do it 5 times:bleh: ok maybe six


14mins.35secs to get past the 'playin' hard to get ... plenty many for him!

(A pic of a Hot chick was here just saying)
Shorty....no tails out of school..please...everyone knows I was just a little shy then, (same as now) and you were (i guess a bit forward is a polite term) and had that whole Catholic school girl thing going on,with the pleats,and knee socks and pigtails with the sparkly hair ties.... you'd be lucky i lasted the time it took you to take your shoes off.........
Anyway you used to think being shy was kinda cute......:msn-wink:
(Notice how i said Please)



Depends if Husaberg brings them thar chickens......:laugh:

As if the chicken's would even ever be optional


Eh its called currently job hunting and have KB and source of jokes on this thingy called a smart phone.
And how is spending 15min posting jokes not a life?

Not at all .. it just looks like you have no real life ...
When she posts the jokes Mosses,even though its on a tablet (or Smartphone), she ain't carving them out into stone like you used too
It takes literally seconds to post a joke. So Gee its a joke thread, i like Junipers jokes.

I'd be more concerned about the guy who a) noticed how long it took for you to post them and b) made assumptions based on how you spend a 96th of your day then c) took the time to point all this out :innocent:
If he really wants to find out how Juniper spends her day he can just read her diary like i do........she keeps it next to her pistol
I enjoy Junipers jokes (esp the sick twisted ones), Actually I f-ing enjoy her humour....Shame she has a Kawasaki.......
I think i said i like her about 4 times there btw.......if ya counting

[cc rider]

Knock Knock! Who's there? Someone with an actual joke <_<



Two friends go to a prostitute.

The first guy goes in and comes out ten minutes later and said,

"My wife's better than that."

So the next guy goes in then ten minutes later and said,

"You're right, your wife is better than that."

[cc rider]

I hate it when you're sitting on the bus and the local weirdo gets on and sits next to you.

You know the type. The ones that watch you masturbate. :tugger:


(disclaimer: Just cause I take the bus home from work, doesn't mean.... )

[husaberg]

Knock Knock! Who's there? Someone with an actual joke <_<


Aye i called Ban-it Mosses and added a tablet quip...just saying:innocent:

[roogazza]

292832292833292834

[Robbo]

Don't you just love those stupid "My Family" stickers on the back windows of cars (not)

Well here's one that i use.:laugh:

[husaberg]

Stuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuf

[Geeen]

Don't you just love those stupid "My Family" stickers on the back windows of cars (not)

Well here's one that i use.:laugh:

It boggles the mind why anyone would spend $5 per sticker to be a smug twatt

[Robbo]

It boggles the mind why anyone would spend $5 per sticker to be a smug twatt

Is that what they cost?? They must have seen you comming.

[Juniper]

A drunk stumbles out of the bar and phones the police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cries out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rings a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

====================l
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him. The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

=======================
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" (Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face."

[Juniper]

Hello?
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone?
No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.
After a brief pause, daddy say but honey you dont have an Uncle Paul.
Oh yes I do, & hes upstairs in the room with mommy right now.
Brief pause. Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddys car just pulled up.
Ok daddy just a min. A few min later the lil girl comes back to the phone.
I did it daddy.
And what happened honey?
Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screamin then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isnt movin at all!
OMG!!!
What bout your uncle paul?
He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didnt know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it & I think hes dead!
Real long pause!
Then daddy says, Swimmin pool? Is this 486-5732?
Lil girl says No I think you have the wrong number

[Juniper]

A senior citizen from Germany arrives at the Warsaw airport.
He presents his passport to the Polish immigration officer who looks it over and asks, "Occupation?"

And the German somewhat confused answers, "No, just visiting this time."

[Juniper]

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask. "Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."

[husaberg]

A pirate walks into a bar, and he's got a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender sees him and asks, "Hey, what's that steering wheel doing there?" The pirate says, "Aaarrrr, it's driving me nuts.":niceone:

[crazyhorse]

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used afirewall and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


Scroll down....You'll love this .......

..
.

.
.
.
.

'You got Male!
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f7/Baby_boy,_one_month_old.jpg

[husaberg]

did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
·

he worked it out with a pencil

[husaberg]

My son has a speech impediment. It took him a while to tell me

[Juniper]

1.. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was
named April. The second child was named May.
....What was the third child 's name?

2.. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten
inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers
.....What does he weigh?

3.. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,
...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4.. How much dirt is there in a hole
....that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5.. What word in the English language
....is always spelled incorrectly?

6.. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always
in the summer.
.....How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a
wooden leg.
....Why not?

8.. What was the President 's name
...in 1975?

9.. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd
place,

…what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,
... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of
the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in
the other field,
....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in
another field?

[Juniper]

1…..


Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'
Customer says , 'Female.'

Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?

Customer says , 'White.'

Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'


Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

2…..50 Shades – the Sequel

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward,
then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth...
back and forth..... in and out..........

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling
down the small of her back.

She was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!"

[Juniper]

Clyde the chicken is trotting around the farm, and sees one of the pigs kicking back in the mud with a cold beer.
"Put the beer down, Percy! A good run will make you feel a lot better than a silly old beer-buzz!" Clyde says. Percy shrugs, gets up, and they go for a bit of a run.

They discover Steve the sheep, puffing away on a joint and looking pleased with life.
"Stub out the joint, Steve! A good runner's high will do you better than that ditch-weed!" Clyde says. Steve's relaxed and game for anything, so he joins in.

Soon, they find Henry the horse, using a razor blade and mirror to ready some lines of cocaine.
"Put the coke down, Henry! Come with us on a run! You'll feel awesome!" crows Clyde. Henry looks annoyed, turns, and mule-kicks Clyde off into the distance.

"What did you do that for, Henry?" asks Percy, shocked at the rare display of violence.

"That's all that little fucker wants to do when he gets hopped up on crack, is run." Henry replies, and takes a snort.

[Akzle]

1.. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was
named April. The second child was named May.
....What was the third child 's name?

2.. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten
inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers
.....What does he weigh?

3.. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,
...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4.. How much dirt is there in a hole
....that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5.. What word in the English language
....is always spelled incorrectly?

6.. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always
in the summer.
.....How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a
wooden leg.
....Why not?

8.. What was the President 's name
...in 1975?

9.. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd
place,

…what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,
... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of
the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in
the other field,
....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in
another field?

johny
meat
mt everest
None
incorrectly
southern hemisphere?
Tripod joke?
Same as his name today, assuming he was born before.
2nd
noither.
one.

[haydes55]

johny

meat

mt everest

None

incorrectly

southern hemisphere?

Tripod joke?

Same as his name today, assuming he was born before.

2nd

noither.

one.








wooden legs can't take photos

[Juniper]

johny
meat
mt everest
None
incorrectly
southern hemisphere?
Tripod joke?
Same as his name today, assuming he was born before.
2nd
noither.
one.

youve seen this before havent you?




1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named
April The second child was named May.

What was the third child 's name?
Answer: Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten
inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers.

What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest
mountain in the world?
Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet.[You're not
very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by
three feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English language is always spelled
incorrectly?
Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in
the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a
wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You can 't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a
camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President 's name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on! .... ]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd
place, what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in
second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or
"The yolk of the egg is white"?
Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh!]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in
the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined
them all in another field?
Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become
one big one.

[nadroj]

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[nadroj]

Just been watching some ladies golf on TV.

They're useless at driving,but fucking amazing with an iron.

[Akzle]

wooden legs can't take photos


youve seen this before havent you?

:
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/words_that_end_in_gry.png

never seen, i just think fucken sideways on tuesdays.

[Juniper]

One day a Caucasian, a Japanese, and a Mexican all died in a huge pile up car crash. They get to the stairway to heaven but found it blocked by the devil himself. The three men approached
Lucifer said to them you all will get one try to reach heaven..you must climb this stairway without any of the steps creaking. If you don't make it you will be mine.
The Caucasian thinking this sounded easy stepped forward as he ascended the steps he was confident that he would make it to the top.. however the 47th step creaked the male came slowly back down the steps his head hung. When he reached the devil he asked well what now? Lucifer replied with a question, what did your dad do for a living? The white male replied, he was a carpenter. Lucifer nods and says alright then I will be hammering nails through your cock the man turned pale as he was led away by a demon. The other two men soon heard screams from down below. The Japanese man went next he got to step 60 as he stepped down and heard the creak he to turned pale and broke out in a cold sweat he descend the stairs and turned to Lucifer, who asked him the same question what did your father do for a living? The Japanese man stuttered as he replied that his father had been a butcher. Lucifer nods and says then we will chop off your dick and feed it to you.. the last man the Mexican grinned and started up the steps as new screams started. He only got to step 11.
As he hopped down the last few steps and walked over to Lucifer still grinning. The devil asks him the same question. The Mexican grinned and replied he was a lollipop tester.. what are you going to do suck my cock off?

[Juniper]

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.” “Yes,” answered the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked. “A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.” “Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he’d try another question, in his obnoxious way… “Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?” “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls.” “Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? ” “Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service.” “Internal Revenue Service?” questioned the auditor in disbelief. “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “Internal Revenue Service. And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.”

[Juniper]

At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular. Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota , stands up and proclaims, “If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!” The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, “If the rabbi will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!” More sighs and loud applause. Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!” There is total silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks her: “Mrs. Rubin, you’re a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?” Estelle’s 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: “Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, “Screw him”.

[roogazza]

292931292932292933292934292935292936

[Robbo]

Willy Nelson discusses Lance Armstrong

[Robbo]

Password.......

[_Shrek_]

One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

[roogazza]

293036293037293038293040

[Juniper]

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an
anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA. There was a
large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view
of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As
she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got
many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local
ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat,
and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go
wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.l

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then to
her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency,
the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove
old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment
facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care...they turned you down.”
GOD BLESS AMERICA

[Juniper]

For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "You received a very strange postcard today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce

[Juniper]

I know you have
been laying awake at night wondering why baby
diapers have brand names such as "Luvs",
"Huggies," and "Pampers',
while undergarments for old
people are called "Depends".

Well here is the low down on the whole
thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna
Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper em.

When old people crap in their pants,
it "Depends" on who's in the will!

Glad I got that straightened out
so you can rest your mind.

[Juniper]

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero, when Tiffany, a blonde woman, got off work late one night. She managed to make her way to her car but wondered how she was going to make it home. Tiffany sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She finally remembered her daddy's advice: If she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snowplow to come by and then follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snowdrift. This made her feel much better.
Sure enough, in a little while a snowplow went by and Tiffany started to follow it. As she followed the snowplow, she was feeling very smug because she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After quite sometime had passed, Tiffany was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped, the driver got out, came back to her car, and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was alright, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine, and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue if she wanted-- but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

[Juniper]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[Juniper]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is.."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?

[Juniper]

A lonely man checked into a large hotel in Little Rock. He found a brochure advertising a massage service. He picked up the phone and dialed the number. A woman's voice came on the line asking if she could help him.
"Why yes you can, I am calling about a massage... no actually what I want is something else. I'm interested in having sex tonight and I was wondering if I could make arrangements with you. I've been away from home for a couple weeks and I thought I'd like something exotic, if you could bring some implements with you... maybe a whip or some leather boots, possibly some electric sex play tools. Or anything else you think might be interesting. Do you have a problem with any of this?"
"No Sir I don't. But there is one thing. You have to dial 9 to get an outside line."

[Juniper]

A man has reached old age when he is cautioned to slow down
by his Doctor instead of by the police.
:Police:

[Juniper]

I couldn't find the Thingy that turns the TV over today, so I asked one of the kids if they'd seen it.

They said she left me yesterday

[Juniper]

I can't wait for the weekend.
I mean, come on, after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F!

[Juniper]

My wife said, "I want a straight answer ... did you pay for sex with a prostitute on your stag weekend?"

I said, "No, definitely not, no way ....

the best man organised a whip round with the lads.....".

[Juniper]

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.
‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
‘Where the heck are you going?’, said the wife.
The man said, ‘I want to see how you’re gonna live on $800 a year!’

[Juniper]

If Women Had A Penis For A Day


10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY men can’t hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it’s like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9……

[Juniper]

There was a small boy who was put to bed by his parents. The boy had a nightmare, and got out of bed to go to his parents room.
When he got there, he saw mommy bouncing up and down on daddy. When his dad noticed him in the doorway, the kid ran away.
The mother got off and got dressed quickly, and went to the boy’s room. He was in his bed, and he asked, “Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?”
The mother replied, “Well, your father has noticed his belly getting bigger, and I was just trying to flatten his tummy for him by bouncing on it.”
“Oh, that’s what you were doing. But you’re wasting your time mommy.” The boy said.
“Oh, and why is that?” The mom asked.
“Because everyday when you leave for work, the neighbor lady comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up again.

[Smifffy]

If Women Had A Penis For A Day


10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY men can’t hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it’s like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9……

Further proof that women just don't get it.
9 & 1 are the only ones guys even care about.

[ellipsis]

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in Japan and the place is packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play
an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.

But, still the little Japanese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Stevie is really annoyed now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage " OK - smart arse, you get up here and do it".

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...........

"A jazz chord to say, I ruv you... "

[Juniper]

heres one you might have heard a blond speeding down the highway gets pulled over by the police. the officer walks up and looks at this totally hot blond in the car and ask for her drivers license and registration. she sits there with a blank look on her face for awhile when the officer say "in your purse and or glove compartment mam". with a smile she replies "oh right " then digs everything out and hands it to the officer. he takes the information back to his car and relays it over the air. the dispatcher comes back "is this woman a super hot blond?" the officer replies yes. "when you go back have your cock out don't ask why say nothing just do it". so the officer heads back to the car hands the woman back her license and registration. she puts it away and turns back to the officer, see his cock looks up at him and states "oh no not another breathalyzer"

[Smifffy]

heres one you might have heard a blond speeding down the highway gets pulled over by the police. the officer walks up and looks at this totally hot blond in the car and ask for her drivers license and registration. she sits there with a blank look on her face for awhile when the officer say "in your purse and or glove compartment mam". with a smile she replies "oh right " then digs everything out and hands it to the officer. he takes the information back to his car and relays it over the air. the dispatcher comes back "is this woman a super hot blond?" the officer replies yes. "when you go back have your cock out don't ask why say nothing just do it". so the officer heads back to the car hands the woman back her license and registration. she puts it away and turns back to the officer, see his cock looks up at him and states "oh no not another breathalyzer"

Those cops must have gone to popo college with Shipton...

[Juniper]

A blonde read a book on ice fishing and was fascinated by it so she went out and bought all equipment. The next day she got up early to go fishing. She set up her equipment, cut a hole in the ice and dropped her line. Then she heard a voice saying "there's no fish under that ice". She looked around and didn't see anyone so she packed up her things and moved a little further down the ice. Again she set up her equipment, cut a hole in the ice and dropped her line and she heard the voice louder say " THERE IS NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE", looked around didn't see anyone so she moved even further down the ice. She started to set things up when she heard "HEY BLONDY I TOLD YOU THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE". She looked and didn't see anyone so she looked to heavens and said" is that you lord?" Then the voice said " NO IT'S ME THE ICE RINK MANAGER".

[Juniper]

A penguin is driving his car on a hot day, when suddenly he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping from the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop, and because it's so hot, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. He makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers, and gets covered in ice cream.

When he's finished, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.

The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin is shocked, and splutters, "No no, it's just ice cream!"

[Swoop]

If Mary, James, Peter, Richard, David and John are all in separate vehicles, travelling at a constant speed of 100kph, in a forward direction with no obstacles:;at which point is Mary likely to stamp on her brakes and cause a fucking accident?

[ellipsis]

A Blonde's Year in Review


January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make cordial.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!

[_Shrek_]

A Kiwi and an Aussie go to a Chinese pastry shop.

The Aussie whisks three biscuits into his pocket with such speed the Chinese baker doesn’t notice.

The Aussie says to the Kiwi "You’ll never beat that!"

The Kiwi says to the Aussie "Watch and learn!"

He says to the Chinese baker "Give me a biscuit, I'll show you a magic trick!"

The Chinese baker gives him the biscuit which the Kiwi promptly eats. Then he says to the Chinese baker:

"Give me another biscuit for my magic trick."

The Chinese baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again: "Give me one more biscuit."

The Chinese baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Kiwi eats this one too.

Now the Chinese baker is really mad, and yells: "Where's your famous magic trick you broody Kiwi?"

The Kiwi says: "Look in the Aussies's pocket!"

[YellowDog]

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of Chardonnay.'

[GSW]

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left..
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.
What the hell are you doing Mick" says Paddy.
"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin' bejasus out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

[Juniper]

a blonde walks into a bank and asks if she can have a $5,000 personal loan . The loan officer asks for collateral and she says " you can hold my Lamborghini".The next day she leave her car at the bank for them to hold. A month later she comes back and asks " how much do I owe" and the loan officer says " with interest it will be $5,200" so she pays him the full amount plus the interest. With a puzzled look on his face he says "Miss you are one of the richest women in New York, why did you need the $5,000?" she then replied " Where in New York City can you park your car for $200"

[Juniper]

A guy walks up to his buddy wearing a purple and brown plaid suit.

His buddy say," What the fuck man?"

He says, Oh its that wife of mine-I sent her to Cox's to get me a seersucker suit, she went to Sears and got me a Cock Sucker Suit!

[Juniper]

A couple are driving down the highway .the husband is driving, nice music on the radio when suddenly the wife says "Honey I want a divorce". Not saying a word the husband goes a little faster.Then the wife says 'I'm in love with another man" and the husband goes faster, then she says " I'm in love with your best friend" so the husband goes faster. Then she says " and the kids aren't yours so their coming with me" so the husband goes even faster. then she says " and I want all the property". Now he's going120 MPH and she asks " is there anything you want?" Finally he speaks and says " no I got all I want" so she says " and what's that?" Then he heads for a cement wall and says " I got the airbag"

[Juniper]

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the
husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she
explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning
on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and
demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the
druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This
morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went
without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I
didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to
break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a
speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat
tire.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting
for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these
people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then
I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to
make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my
hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing -
when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made
me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on
it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still
ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was
your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well,
Mister, I TOLD HER!"

[Juniper]

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who
kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I
hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone
who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest
arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in
town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about
having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at
the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your
wife fell three times this week."

[Juniper]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who
was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and
circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste
away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and
give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for
waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in
a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a
terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.
Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum
should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an
asshole.

[Juniper]

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At
the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them
to their separate rooms.
The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a
certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date.
His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he
hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?".
The first whispers back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't
get an erection".
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I
couldn't even get on the bed!"

[Juniper]

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them ...is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the asshole - and they are interchangeable'

[YellowDog]

I was so depressed last night thinking about my retirement, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, etc. that I called a Suicide Hotline. I was connected to a call centre in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal they got excited and asked if I could drive a truck........

[MSTRS]

Legend says that the old Ponsonby Hotel in Auckland is haunted by two gay ghosts. As well as scaring the customers they are also known for putting the willies up each other

[Swoop]

Legend says that the old Ponsonby Hotel in Auckland is haunted by two gay ghosts. As well as scaring the customers they are also known for putting the willies up each other
Hudson and Halls?

[ellipsis]

Old friend Tom, was an 80-year-old rancher in town.


Tom had lost his wife a year or so before, and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.


Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.


Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.



Tom proudly said, 'She'll be 21 in November.'



Now, the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an 80-year-old man.


Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.


Tom thought that this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.


About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town, again.


'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.


Tom proudly said, 'Good -- she's pregnant.'


The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And, how's the hired hand?'


Tom said, 'She's pregnant, too.'


Don't ever underestimate old guys .

[husaberg]

ten carrots

[ellipsis]

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York,
and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman
boarding the plane.



He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and, Bingo! - She
took the seat right beside him. "Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States.


"He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"


"Lecturer," she responded I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality."


"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"


"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.


Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."


Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
Quick as a flash .. ..





"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[blackdog]

For fried-day.

[Juniper]

This farmer buys a new young rooster, He took him home and put him in the coop the older roster that was there says to the younger one " The farmer bought you because I'm getting old and he's going to shoot me, so I'm asking rooster to rooster make pretend were in a fight so I can save face in front of the chickens" and the younger rooster agreed. The farmer heard this noise in the chicken pen so thinking a fox was in there he got his gun and ran outside To his surprise he saw the younger rooster chasing the older one so he shot it. Shaking his head as he went inside he said " God Damn 3rd queer rooster I shot this week"

[Juniper]

Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: TWO: One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and
take
all of the credit.

Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: NONE: Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.

Q: What do the Klingons do with the dead bulb?
A: Execute it for failure.

Q: What do the Klingons do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb?
A: Execute him for cowardice.

Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY_ONE: One to screw the light bulb in, and 150 to
self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.

Q: How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000000000000

Q: How many Borg does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: All of them!

Q: What is Captain Picards biggest pet peeve?
A: When they replace his dilithium crystals with Folgers crystals.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly.
Ah canna work miracles, Captain.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Dr. McCoy: Dammit Jim!! I'm a doctor not an farmer!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Mr. Spock: Obviously, it was the logical thing to do.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Mr. Data: Why is a barn yard fowl crossing a thoroughfare humorous?

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Mr. Worf: For the honor of all chickens.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Counsilor Troi: I knew it was going to happen. I could sense it.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Computer: Insufficient information.

Q: Have you heard about the book on Betazeds?
A: It's by: Ophelia Paine.

Q: Have you read the book "Go to Warp 9..."?
A: It's by: N. Gage

Q: Have you read the book "The Positronic Brain"?
A: It's by: Anne Droid

Q: Have you read the book "Damn it Jim"?
A: It's by: Ima Doctor and Nada Bricklayer.

Q: Have you read the book "Chekov: The Navigator"?
A: It's by: I. Kiptin

Q: What did one Borg say to one another right before their ship was
destroyed in sector zero zero one?
A: Hoisted by our own Picard.

Q: Did you hear about the new uniform making machine on the Enterprise?
A: Piccard told Riker to "Make it sew, Number One."

Q: What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage?
A: A croaking device.

Q: Why don't the Borg go to prison?
A: Because they obey the Lore!

Q: Why did the Borg cross the road?
A: Because it assimilated the chicken!

Q: Where do the Borg eat fast food?
A: At their local Borger King!

Dr. M'Benga was experimenting with cloning alien species. His first
experiment
was a disaster; the result was ugly and obscene. He decided to get rid
of it
by jettisoning it out of the hatch. Unfortunately, Captain Kirk saw him
do it,
and now M'Benga is facing a charge of making an obscene clone fall.

Spock, Spock.
Who's there?
Epsilon.
Epsilon who?
Epsilon way to Tipperary...

When the Melkotians beamed Kirk, Chekov, and McCoy down to the
recreation of
the OK Corral, none of the officers knew how to use the old-style
six-guns.
You see, they came from a time when no man had guns before.

Mr. Spock: "What is formula for PI?"
Chekov: "Er... apple or blueberry, sir?"

Then there was the time Janice Rand complained that someone had cut a
peephole
into her cabin door.
Captain Kirk promised to look into it.

Q: Why was Star Trek so successful?
A: It had good Genes.

McCoy: "I've borrowed Mr. Scott's bagpipes."
Kirk: "But you can't play them."
McCoy: "While I've got them, neither can he!"

Mr. Spock: " A Syzygy is three heavenly bodies lined up in a row. Give
me an
example."
Sulu: "Mudd's Women!"

The new ensign reported to sickbay for her physical. When stripped, Dr.
McCoy
nodded approvingly. "You look nice and trim. "Thanks," she answered. "I
weigh
one hundred pounds stripped for gym."
McCoy shook his head. "That guy has all the luck!"

Q: How do you get a one-armed Klingon out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.

Q: Why can't Klingon kids play in sandboxes?
A: Cats keep trying to cover them up.

Q: How did T'Pring's parents react when they learned she was not
marrying Spock?
A: They were Stonned.

Q: What are eyeglasses called on Vulcan?
A: Spocktacles

Mary Sue: "I just got engaged to Kevin!"
Mary Jane: "Oh, really?"
Mary Sue: "No, Riley." (really atrocious, ed.)

Q: What kind of noise is made my Vulcan popguns?
A: T'Pau (an atrocious ""classic"", ed.)

Q: Why did the Klingon cross the road?
A: To conquer the other side.

New crewwoman: "Where do I eat?"
Uhura: "You mess with the officers."
New crewwoman: "I figured that, but where do I eat?"

Q: How many members of the USS Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?

A: Six: Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say
"I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead",
Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically,
McCoy to say "They're dead, Jim!" and
"Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!!",
Kirk to screw it in,
and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.

[YellowDog]

A supermarket opened in Chatswood, Sydney , Australia

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

No one buys toilet paper there anymore :no:

[roogazza]

293424293425293426293427

[cc rider]

THE SHOEBOX

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box,

But one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
Down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.

'When we were to be married,' she said, 'my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

A Prayer.......
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death,
Because I don't have time to crochet.

[husaberg]

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
a $100 bill!

Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
Because he was looking for Pooh.

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? : Snowballs.


What do you call a woman who can't make sandwiches?
Single.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 20 kgs.

Why did god invent alcohol? So ugly women can get laid too.

[Jase H]

Sheep

293493

[husaberg]

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you?
I want to know!” The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.


Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house,
A mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them,
“Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
However, I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge.”
“If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $5,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”
At this point, the father who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him:
“Then you try again…!”

[husaberg]

https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSeFt4iv-i7yspfuNl20kfOu1P6Hi6BJSfwJYnddHmkePj8DrAW

[Geeen]

Picture]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to husaberg again.

:laugh::laugh:

[Swoop]

I don't know why the athletes are surprised at the poor living conditions in Sochi.

You ban gays from your town and interior design is going to suffer!

[roogazza]

Tomorrow is Friday.
293577293578293579293580293581

[Daffyd]

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's minivan when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes a look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy (let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

[MSTRS]

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello" said the little boy "Hi" replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" asked the little boy. "I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home" answered the little girl. "I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road" replied the little girl. "What about you?" "I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill" replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my mum's going to skin me alive!" said the little girl. "My mum'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet" replied the little boy.

"I'll tell you what I think I'll do" said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across". "That's a good idea" replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit".

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked: "You know, I never realised before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Methodist!!"

[Reckless]

few for the day!!

[Robbo]

Rural Australian Computer Terminology

[Akzle]

Rural Australian Computer Terminology

LMFAO.
i must spread more before i rape you again.

[roogazza]

293734293735293736293737293738293739

[cc rider]

https://m.ak.fbcdn.net/sphotos-f.ak/hphotos-ak-prn1/t1/19315_521748317858605_1856583463_n.jpg

[cc rider]

https://m.ak.fbcdn.net/sphotos-f.ak/hphotos-ak-prn1/t1/58476_542675879099182_633729162_n.jpg

[husaberg]

ooooooooooooooooooooo

[cc rider]

The Big Bad Wolf said to Little Red Riding Hood, "Unbutton your blouse and let me suck your tits."
"Fuck off!" she replied, as she tugged down her pantie’s, demanding, "Eat me like the fuckin book says."

[cc rider]

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

Fairy Godmother, "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees.

Cinderella, "What's the second condition?"

Fairy Godmother, "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

Cinderella, "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

Fairy Godmother, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

Cinderella, "I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other..."

[Daffyd]

Health inspector visits a bakery. The shop was spotless, the bread room was spotless, the pastry room was spotless... until he saw one of the bakers crimping pie crusts with his false teeth!
"That's disgusting, don't you have a tool for that?"
The baker replied, "No, I use that for making the holes in the donuts!"

[Robbo]

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How you doin?"

"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"

[cc rider]

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday, she spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. One day on her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 35,” was the reply. “I’m actually 47,” the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, “Oh, you look about 29.” “I am actually 47!” she said, feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.

He replied, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman’s age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age.”

There was no one around, so the woman said, “What the hell?” and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, “OK, You are 47.” Stunned, the woman said, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”

The old man replied, “I was behind you in line at McDonalds.”

[cc rider]

One Wish

A man on is Motorcycle was riding along a California beach when suddenly the heavens opened above him and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help all mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

God replied: "You want four lanes or six on that bridge...?"

[Banditbandit]

SMART ARSE ANSWER 5
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.



SMART ARSE ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."



SMART ARSE ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



SMART ARSE ANSWER 2
A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, hey?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"



SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A teacher at West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering..
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand!"

[slofox]

Haha.

293871

[husaberg]

llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll llllllllllllllllll

[roogazza]

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[husaberg]

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2013/04/facebook-0.jpg?w=500&h=310

[cc rider]

Two Cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

[swtfa]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger"...
"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"But I will still kill you in two days.."
"What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request?"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen Very Carefully!!!
FOR...THE...LAST....TIME...
"BRING POSSE, NOT PUSSY!"

[husaberg]

...................,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,........... .mmmmmmmmm<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

[husaberg]

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<....................>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

[husaberg]

http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/198/477/e789ac5d-9220-4e22-91f3-8187426a5ded.gif

[Robbo]

A petrol station owner in
Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with
Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free
sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were
close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in
for another
Fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him
to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry,
it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not
rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'

[husaberg]

http://cdn.smartphowned.com/2012/10/16/e48692b6f611dfb3ccf3cc1b438782b6.jpg

[cc rider]

Sitting in a Yorkshire pub , Dudley was enjoying an ale with a friendly Scot and a chirpy little Irishman.

"Y’know", said the Scotsman “ I like this pub, but I still prefer the pubs back home."

"Why there’s a little pub called McTavish’s. The publican there goes out of his way for the locals, so that when you buy your first four drinks, he tosses in the fifth for free,"

"Same back home in Australia" said Dudley.
"At My local, if you buy two schooners, the publican always gives you a third for free."

"Ahhh, that’s nuthin'." said the Irishman.
"Back home in Dublin there’s Dillons’s Bar. Now the moment you set foot in he place they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you’ve had enough drinks they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

"Bullshit, I don’t believe you." scoffed Dudley. "Did this actually happen to you ?"

"Well not me meself personally, no." Said the chirpy little Irishman.

"But it did happen to me sister."

[cc rider]

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered,
'Knicker Stitcher . . . I sew da elastic onto ladies knickers and thongs . . .'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.' Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious . . he stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers were unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy.

'I sew der elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, deesel fitter`!!

[Swoop]

Over the past week, I've burgled ten houses in South Auckland.

It feels great to get my stuff back.

[Geeen]

This is a good laugh


http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=777_1392789840

[Geeen]

/./././././././././/./././/./.

[Banditbandit]

A balding, white haired man from Toronto, Ontario, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000’, the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man, seeing this, said 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir... There's no money in that account.'

I know,' said the old man... 'But let me tell you about my weekend’!

[Banditbandit]

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page..."Passing motorist save little girl from being eaten in Lion attack."

So then, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:


U.S. MARINE BIKIE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

....and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days...

[Stirts]

So Harold Ramis from Ghostbusters died.

That makes him the enemy now.

[Geeen]

For all you Racers.......


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6q88k8VgSk

Mods, feel free to move this if needed

[Swoop]

As I approached the teller in the bank yesterday, she asked me if I wouldn't mind removing my motorcycle helmet.

"Not bloody likely," I said. "Next you'll be asking me to drop this sawn-off shotgun."

[slofox]

Some crazy shit in there...

[awa355]

For all you Racers.......



Mods, feel free to move this if needed

Looks like the local uni about 3pm on a Friday,

[husaberg]

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