Friday jokes

[Akzle]

and I was in south auckland.. saw two kids in a tandem pram, one quite light with mousy blond hair, the other a bit darker, with black hair,
the mum waddled over, about 250 lbs, black as night, wearing stubbies and a halter top.
i thought i'd better say something, so "what nice twins you have"
she said "thanks, but how did you know they were twins, they do look quite different..."

"just figured, 'cos who the hell would fuck you twice?!"

[Banditbandit]

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

For example...

A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?

[Banditbandit]

Someone asked me, "and now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"

I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."

"Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask me for it."

[<G>]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the roadand pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible,"! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down,
and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves,
hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.


It says...


(Are you ready for this?)

It says,

"Hair Spray


Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave." :D

Happy Easter and safe riding!

[Maha]

I thought it was Bunny....not a Hare (hair) I am so confused. :motu:

Writer of said joke missed the obvious pun about reviving the bounce...which could be attached to both the Hare and Hair....and a Bunny for that matter.

[doc]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the Australian
National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test done while visiting
Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side
on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" squealed the nurse.

[pete376403]

I was sitting in the train, opposite this beautiful Thai girl.

As I stared at her tits, I was thinking "don't get an erection...don't get an erection..."



but she did.

[eelracing]

"G'day mate,Fosters helpline,what's the problem mate?"

"I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet,and now her fanny has completely closed up."

"Bummer mate."

"Thank's,that's what I thought too mate,bye."

[Banditbandit]

A man says to his wife; "Why don't you let me know when you have an orgasm?"

The wife replies :"I don't like to disturb you when you're in your office."

[Maha]

husband asks wife "Why don't you let me know when you orgasm?"

Wife "I don't like to call you at work"


A man says to his wife; "Why don't you let me know when you have an orgasm?"

The wife replies :"I don't like to disturb you when you're in your office."

ah haaaaa the 'Copy and Paste' thread is working well....four days and nine posts apart.:nya:

[Virago]

A man says to his wife; "Why don't you let me know when you have an orgasm?"

The wife replies :"I don't like to disturb you when you're on KiwiBiker."

[Geeen]

A man says to his wife; "Why don't you let me know when you have an orgasm?"

The wife replies :"I don't like to disturb you when you're on KiwiBiker."

How are you supposed to know when to move the laptop so she doesn't hit her head????:dodge:

[YellowDog]

Victor is sitting on his usual train to London and across from him is a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has no underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," Vic replies and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.

Victor, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.


Victor rushes over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"



Stunned, Victor replies, "You’re kidding—you mean it can whistle, too?”

[Swoop]

I bumped into my mate in the pub last night who was looking a bit glum, so I asked him what was up.

"Well, I can't afford anything anymore so I've had to cancel my golf and gym memberships, my Sky TV package and had to cut down on fags to 20 a week" he sighed.

"Because of the recession?" I asked.

"No" he replied. "I've been forced off of the benefit and made to get a fucking job."

[Akzle]

I've been forced off of the benefit and made to get a fucking job.

that punch line works on more than one level :laugh:

[Swoop]

I don't think Kim Jong-Un is the problem. I'm worried about his military advisors Kil Yan Kee, Noo Kem, Chu Tem and Wi Kan Win.

[YellowDog]

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won't even be used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said “He’s got one hanging there!"
The boss said "Go back in and give him $3.50, he's the window cleaner!"

[DMNTD]

William Shatner, AKA Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise, has withdrawn his new range of women's lingerie, it turns out "Shatner Knickers" is not such a good product name after all

[slofox]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech...

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

[Banditbandit]

If sex with three people is called a threesonme and sex with two people is called a twosome - you know why the call you 'handsome'

My wife is a sex object - I ask for sex and she objects ...

Experts predict that computers will eventually eliminate the need for paper .. they've obviously never tried to wipe their arse with a laptop ...

There are two words people need to learn because they will open many doors for them ... the words are "push" and "pull".

My wife asked me to see things from a woman's point of view .. so I looked out the kitchen window ...

The most common sex position for married couples is doggie style - the husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead ..

[Swoop]

I went to a Muslim strip club last night.

As soon as the girls got down to their suicide vests, all the blokes started shouting "Set them off! Set them off!"

[Akzle]

A cocky was leaning back on a post in his paddock up maungakaramea ways, when a 7 series BMW pulled up.

The driver rolled down the window, revealing a middle aged bloke in a flash suit and designer sunnies.
"if i tell you exactly how many cows and calves are on your property, can i have a calf"?

Cocky thinks about it, an says, "yeah sure"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook computer, connects it to his RAZR cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .....

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Blackberry with a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"


He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.


Then he says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "yeah, sure"

"You're a Politician for the Government",

"well, that's right" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cocky, "you showed up uninvited, expect to get paid to waste millions of dollars of resources to give me an answer i already knew, to a question i never asked, you don't know a thing about animals or farming. this is a flock of sheep...


...now give me my fucking dog back"

[Swoop]

I really hope the situation between North Korea and the USA doesn't turn nuclear.

We are well out of Korea's missile range, but it's pretty fucking likely a few of America's would land on us due to their "friendly fire" mistakes!

[Swoop]

Just got the South Auckland version of the Monopoly game. All the houses are boarded up, the bank has been robbed and the jail is full.

[Banditbandit]

It's one of life's little mysteries how a woman can eat a 2lb box of chocolates and gain 5lbs on her hips ...

[Daffyd]

I really hope the situation between North Korea and the USA doesn't turn nuclear.

We are well out of Korea's missile range, but it's pretty fucking likely a few of America's would land on us due to their "friendly fire" mistakes!

That same thought worries the hell out of me... in the Philippines!

[Smifffy]

And told by a bona fide A-lister


<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/TRHWvVBxWCw" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[Swoop]

Justin Bieber has a pet monkey?
Why do I feel that 15 years from now he'll be black and molesting children?

[wharekura]

Just got the South Auckland version of the Monopoly game. All the houses are boarded up, the bank has been robbed and the jail is full.
I pinched the Remuera version of the Monopoly game. Couldn't play it as all the houses are overpriced, the bank is being bailed out by the taxpayers and the jail is empty as there is the Get Out of Jail on a Technicality Free Card. :rolleyes:

[Swoop]

I agree with Justin Bieber, Anne Frank would have loved his music.

It's perfect for being played really quietly so no one can hear it.

[Banditbandit]

Just had a parcel from Holland, when I opened it, it was a rubber fanny.
"That's nice," I thought, "two lips from Amsterdam."

My Dad worked on the council's roadwork department for twenty years before he got fired for stealing.
At first I didn't believe it, but when I got home all the signs were there.

My new girlfriend said it would be at least six months before she'd consider a blow-job.
I told her I fully understood and respected her decision.
I said I'd give her a call nearer the time!

I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking weed.
She was known as "Oral High Jean".

A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.
I find that licking her nipples and gentle caressing usually does the trick.

My girlfriend says that a small penis won’t affect our relationship.
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all.

A woman is walking down the street and saw a sign in the pet shop window reading, "FANNY-LICKING FROG £25"
Curious, the woman proceeded inside and said to the shop keeper, "I'd like to see the fanny-licking frog please."
The shop keeper replied, "Bonjour! Mai oui!"

I was on a train this morning, in the loo, when a voice called out, "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a shit."
"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door."
"No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn!"

My son asked me today "What's the difference between a crow and a blackbird?"
I told him, "Crows have somewhat heavier beaks, fan shaped tails and live on insects.
A black bird has big rubbery lips, a fat arse and lives on welfare benefits."

Everyone's a comedian nowadays.
Even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney couldn't avoid a gag.
He radioed dispatch and said "It's Houston, we have a problem!"

[YellowDog]

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

[5150]

A very, very difficult question for Abby to ponder:
Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?

I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

[5150]

The Heart Surgeon and the Motorcycle Mechanic
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage,

"Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

"So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ...

"Try doing it with the engine running!"

[5150]

Arthur Davidson in Heaven
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation died and went to Heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven".

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the throne room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Oh, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

There is too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
It chatters constantly at high speeds.
Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust, and finally,
The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his celestial Super Computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention then yours".

[5150]

Top 10 Reasons Why Harley Riders Don't Wave at Other Motorcyclists.
10) They're way too cool to acknowledge any non-Harley riders.
9) They're too busy daydreaming about owning a real motorcycle.
8) Their engine is too weak to handle the added wind resistance of a waving hand.
7) The Rottie (in back of the pickup truck with the tied down Harley) is easily upset by rapid hand movements.
6) Are you kidding? Risk their lives trying to control a Harley with just one hand!
5) They're too busy humming "Born to be Wild" while fantasizing about being Peter Fonda or Dennis Hopper.
4) They're too busy figuring out how to pay for the next order of genuine Harley accessories (including the "official" HD calculator needed to add up the cost).
3) If we really have to tell you, you won't understand anyway.
2) They can't see you because their half-shell helmet keeps falling down over their eyes.
1) They think we are actually trying to draw their attention to the parts falling off their bikes, and they are sick and tired of it.

[Akzle]

A very, very difficult question for Abby to ponder:
Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

((the original was an BMW bike...))

[5150]

"On Safari with the Mother-in-law."



A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.


One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife

awakened to find her mother gone.

She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight.

The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion.

"What are we going to do," ? His horrified wife asked.

"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess,

let him get himself out of it!!"

[Swoop]

The explosion at a fertiliser plant in Texas can only mean one thing.
The North Koreans want a turf war!

[BoristheBiter]

William Shatner, AKA Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise, has withdrawn his new range of women's lingerie, it turns out "Shatner Knickers" is not such a good product name after all

:2thumbsup

I always remember watching the "weird or what" show he did as at the end it said William Shatner's wardrobe.

Dirty bastard.

[YellowDog]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to
find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier
standing next to a Land Rover, selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The soldier replied, "There is
no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They
are only £10

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced
tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
that, and that I am a much better human being than you.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you
will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need.

"Inshallah.."

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped......

"They won't let me in without a tie!"

[YellowDog]

An American arrives in Paris and takes a taxi. When they pass the Arc
de Triomphe, the American asks: ‘What’s that?’
The taxi driver answers with pride: ‘That's the Arc de Triomphe to celebrate the magnificent victories of la France.’
The American asks: ‘How long did it take to build that?’
‘Five years' responds the taxi driver.
‘Back home that would take three days.’, states the American.

They drive to the Eiffel Tower and the American asks: ‘What’s that?’
to which the taxi driver replies: ‘I have no idea, it wasn't there this morning' :bleh:

[slofox]

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.



The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

[bogan]

An American arrives in Paris and takes a taxi. When they pass the Arc
de Triomphe, the American asks: ‘What’s that?’
The taxi driver answers with pride: ‘That's the Arc de Triomphe to celebrate the magnificent victories of la France.’
The American asks: ‘How long did it take to build that?’
‘Five years' responds the taxi driver.
‘Back home that would take three days.’, states the American.

They drive to the Eiffel Tower and the American asks: ‘What’s that?’
to which the taxi driver replies: ‘I have no idea, it wasn't there this morning' :bleh:


Billy T did that one first...

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[sketch]

I seen a women standing at the edge of a cliff about to jump off.. I stopped & said "since ur about to kill yourself,could we have a root.. She said "fuck off you queer cunt! I said fine, i'll just go wait at the bottom....

[sketch]

God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven. the man says he'll try. God visits him a week later to see how he's getting on. "not bad" says the man, "i've given up drinking and smoking, but when the wife bent over the freezer i had to fuck her up the ass." "they dont like that sort of thing in heaven" said God. the man replied, "their not too fucking happy about it in Pakn Save either".

[Daffyd]

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV, when, from the kitchen I heard my wife say:
"What would you like for dinner my love - chicken, beef or
lamb?"
I said, 'Thanks dear, I'll have chicken please.'
She replied,
"You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!"

[MSTRS]

The missus decided to wear a burka for a week just to see what the reaction would be. The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the fundamental and received death threats. Fuck knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house.

[Smifffy]

John Reilly, a Cavan man studying in UCD, was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly.
John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Reilly sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

Look frank... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!

[Swoop]

I just explained Google images to my mum.

'Pick anything to search for', I said.

She replied 'What about a nice cream pie?'.

'Except that.' I said.

[YellowDog]

Dinner ladies at a kids school have been banned from baking triangular flapjacks after a school branded them DANGEROUS, the UK's Sun newspaper (comic) reported. Kitchen staff were ordered to cook rectangular or square snacks instead after a pupil was hit in the face by a flying oaty morsel. The Year 7 lad suffered a “sore eye” when he was accidentally struck in the face by the 4in-long snack chucked by another child. He was instantly patched up and sent home for the afternoon from Castle View School on Canvey Island in Essex (UK) but School Head, Gill Thomas quickly decided to ban kitchen staff from baking the three-sided desserts — ruling only rectangular or square or flapjacks should be served.

A spokesman for the health and Safety Executive said: "We often come across half-baked decisions taken in the name of health and safety, but this one takes the biscuit. The real issue isn't what shape the flapjacks are, but the fact that pupils are throwing them at each other - and that's a matter of discipline, and has got nothing to do with health and safety as we know it. We're happy to make clear that flapjacks of all shapes and sizes continue to have our full backing”.

[Daffyd]

She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

[MSTRS]

Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German" she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, not this time I am just here for a few days first".

[FJRider]

A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow......

He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks,
"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Nah, ye can gae ahead."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.

The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got
too".

[YellowDog]

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"

And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!

[YellowDog]

A man walks into the Election office, says to the receptionist:
"I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections as an Independent candidate."
The receptionist replied "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''

As he was filling in the form, he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised?''

So, he asked the receptionist - "Why is this question necessary?"

She replied... "If you are circumcised you are not eligible".

He asked, "Why? What difference it would THAT make?"
"Well,", she replied, "to become a politician, you must be a COMPLETE prick!"

[Swoop]

I was at waiting at traffic lights when a business man in a black BMW 7 series pulled up beside me. What I saw next shocked and dumbfounded me.

He was not on his mobile phone and he was using his indicators.

[swtfa]

A real woman really is man's best friend.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do.
She will express his deepest emotions and give into his most intimate desires.
She makes him feel confident and sexy, seductive and invincible... No... Wait... wait.
I'm thinking of beer, it's fcking beer that does that! Sorry!

[Swoop]

My friend who's into modified cars just told me he's had a new dump valve fitted.

Poor bastard. I had no idea they could even do anus transplants.

[MSTRS]

Two guys in a bar. One says "Did you hear the news - Mike is dead!" "Woah what the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house and BANG! He hit a power pole and the car flips up and he got catapulted through the sunroof. Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window".

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones".

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him - he survived that too. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid-air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him".

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him".

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted. 10,000 volts shot through him".

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he..." "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?" "He was wrecking my fucking house!!"

[YellowDog]

One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It's Jack, and I'm OK thanks," I replied.
"Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and Ill help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and persuasive ... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife wont like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting sessions, I thanked my host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!" I said.... :laugh:

[Banditbandit]

An article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke’s hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight."

[gwigs]

Jehovas Witness

[Swoop]

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

An Australian's wet dream.

[gwigs]

283130

Homless guy asks for money...

[Swoop]

I had a phone call from the school today.

They said, "Your son has just spray painted 'Muslims Are Cunts' in giant letters across the playground."

"You must be joking?" I said, "I don't believe for a second that he's actually done it."

"Well, he did." she replied, "I watched him."

"Fair play then," I said, "I owe him a tenner."

[Maha]

''What do you call a retractable maori''?
''I don't know, what do you call a retractable maori''?

''Bungy Walters'' :laugh:

[Laava]

''What do you call a retractable maori''?
''I don't know, what do you call a retractable maori''?

''Bungy Walters'' :laugh:
Hahahaha! You'ld have to be an old cunt to get that!

[Subike]

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.

[Maha]

Hahahaha! You'ld have to be an old cunt to get that!

I told Anne that I had made up this joke, she said then same thing, that not a lot would get that...
It came to me after hearing/viewing the Sailing Away video clip of 87'

[Laava]

I didn't get it by the way!

[MSTRS]

I didn't get it by the way!

You funny man - made me laugh...

[_Shrek_]

''What do you call a retractable maori''?
''I don't know, what do you call a retractable maori''?

''Bungy Walters'' :laugh:

:laugh: he ain't been around for a while :innocent:

[Macontour]

This is one of them.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3jy5sEH0PU

And this one

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HfCT1vIqjlM

[Daffyd]

A woman as just about to drive away from a riverside car park when a Fish and Game warden approached.

He noticed fish in a tub in the back of her ute and asked to see her fishing licence.

She said she didn’t need one because the fish were pets and she’d just been taking them for a swim.

The warden looked at her and said, “you’re joking.”

“No,” she said, “I’m not and I”ll prove it. I’ll take the fish down to the river, let them go and call them back.”

The warden looked sceptical but was prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt.”

The woman picked up the tub, took it down to the river and tipped it upside down.

The warden waited a few minutes then said, “When are you going to call the fish back.”

She turned to him with a puzzled look and said, “What fish?”

[Edbear]

Apparently Westfield's are having a ten million dollar bed sale. I mean, get real, who's going to pay ten million dollars for a bed ???

[Hinny]

Apparently Westfield's are having a ten million dollar bed sale. I mean, get real, who's going to pay ten million dollars for a bed ???

Westfield owner Frank Lowy was joint holder of the lease of the WTC with Larry Silversteen.
With his fortunes maybe he should change his name to Goldsteen. He could afford a $10m bed.
He apparently made a $5bn dollar bed he has to lie in.

[Swoop]

A fetish porn studio has invented a new genre, aimed specifically at Muslims.

It's called Burkake.

[Banditbandit]

A teacher reminds class about the lesson yesterday about animals adn their names. She asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The Peter jumps up and says, "Alligator."

"Very good Peter," says the teacher, "that's a big word."

Then Suzie jumps up and says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word, says teacher. "Well done."

Then little Johnny leaps to his feet and says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word, Johnny, but I don't think it eats anything."

"Well miss," says Johnny, "my sister has a vibrator and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

[Swoop]

I bumped into my ex in town earlier, I said:

"How's your new bloke?"

"He's twice the man you are," she sneered, "what about your new woman?"

I said, "Thankfully she's half the woman you are, you fat cunt."

[YellowDog]

Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden: POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?!?! Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!' Then POOF! ... She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back, 'I'm over here in the pussy-willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!

[MSTRS]

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol. Police say it's definitely race related...

[Stirts]

After winning his battle against cancer of the throat, Michael Douglas has revealed that it was caused by performing oral sex.

A case of licking the big 'C' in both cases.

[husaberg]

At the time of diagnosis Micheal was rather shocked to find it was cancer. He had just thought he was coming down with something:bleh:

[Swoop]

Some visual funnies.
283720283721283722283723283724283725

[Swoop]

After being ill for a week, my wife got a doctor to give me a home visit. As I woke from a sleep, the doctor was by my bed shaking his head.

"I've been looking through your records Mr. Swoop, and it doesn't look good" said the doctor.

"Oh my god" I replied nervously. "Is it that bad doc?"

"I'd say so" he said. "Earth, Wind and Fire's greatest hits, Barbra Streisand, Barry Manilow and Abba. What the hell were you thinking when you bought these?"

[DMNTD]

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....

[Banditbandit]

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.



They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 1 minute and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

[Swoop]

"Why the fuck do you have to have your cunt on show every time a picture is taken?" I asked.

"Thank you for your email. She is the co-leader of the green party, and as such she needs to be in the pictures" came the reply from Russell Norman.




Edit: This is a "jokes" thread. If you don't find it funny, expect red rep in return for your red rep.
Fuckin' hippies.

[Stirts]

It's no wonder the Eagles became millionaires.

They could tell the future. "You can check out any time you like but you can never leave."

Twats knew about Facebook 37 years ago.

[anebv8]

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

[Swoop]

There was a knock at my door last night, "Hello Sir, can I ask you if you will be voting for us in the forthcoming election."

"Yes"

"OK sir thank you."

"What for?"

"Your vote."

"I am not voting for you"

"But you said you were"

"No I didn't"

"There seems to be a misunderstanding here"

"It's shit when you are being given bullshit and made to believe something else isn't it?
Welcome to the voters view of politics, now fuck off."

[Stirts]

Sitting in a Parisians type café earlier, I asked the waiter:

"What do you have to put on my salad?"

"Le Mayo" he replied.

"What the fuck's so funny about that?" I said.

[MSTRS]

In a second grade sex education class, a little girl asks "Teacher, can my mamma get pregnant?" The teacher asks "How old is your mother?" The little girl says "Forty". The teacher says "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant". The little girl asks "Can my big sister get pregnant?" The teacher asks "How old is your sister?" The little girl answers "Nineteen". The teacher says "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant". The little girl asks "Can I get pregnant?" The teacher asks "How old are you?" The little girl says "I'm seven years old". The teacher says "No, you can't get pregnant". The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about".

[DMNTD]

A Harley and a Jar of Vaseline


Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years

'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.

It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.

In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked.

Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.

Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks.

Dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.

After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly
beaming.

But still.... Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouted.

I'll do the dishes!!

[Swoop]

So Arnie has confirmed he's in Terminator 5.

"I'll be back!" will be replaced with "Ow my back!"

[Swoop]

Just had a sexting 3some with my girlfriend and the GCSB.

[Smifffy]

Paddy is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.

Chris: OK Paddy, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:

Ronnie Biggs

Ronnie O'Sullivan

Ronnie Corbett

Ronnie Wood

Take your time

Paddy: I'll take the money Chris

Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines

Paddy: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money

Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.

Paddy: I know the answer Chris.

Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?

Paddy: I may be mental Chris but I'm no feckin grass.

[Swoop]

When I see lovers' names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think it's strange how many people take knives on a date.

[cheviot]

I met a girl last week who siad she likes her guys to be funny and spontaneous.
When I put on a clown mask and tapped on her kitchen window late last night
it was all screaming and panic.

[Smifffy]

When I see lovers' names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think it's strange how many people take knives on a date.

Doesn't everyone?

[Smokin]

After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked
in a mirror...remembering her time with Bill Clinton.

Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...
"God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.

And just like that, her ears fell off!

[Swoop]

If I had to choke Nigella Lawson, I wouldn't choose my hands to do it with.

[MSTRS]

I was in the park when I noticed a Muslim with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder. "Where did you get that from?" I asked. "Christmas Island, Australia!! There's fucking thousands of 'em!"... said the Parrot.

[chrisso]

The NZ Snow Report....

Last updated: 2:34pm Friday 21 June. Stay tuned for continuing SNOW WATCH 2013 updates.

2:34pm – Christchurch: No snow. Some assorted sludge, mixed with the salty tears of Cantabrians who know the city came so, so close…

1.33pm – Wellington: Many people planning move to Christchurch, which apparently Mother Nature has decided has had enough and to which she will never return.

12:36pm – Wellington: Civil Defence releases helpful snow identification chart.

10:56am – Queenstown: Snowing. Disproportionate number of snowmen named Jon.

10:55am – Dunedin: Unconfirmed rumours of light snow. May just be cocaine.

10:37am – Christchurch: Stopped snowing. Residents confused. Should they have purchased bread or not? When do they start eating it?

10:30am – Auckland: Dreaded winter storm brings sun, blue skies.

9:41am – Christchurch: All snow watch operators unavailable as they were too busy being smartasses about bread to remember to buy any.

9:24am – Ranfurly: Ranfurly snow watch officer snowed in; unable to confirm snow.

9:16am – Christchurch: Scientists rushing samples to lab to confirm that white substance is indeed snow. Results expected in 6-8 weeks.

9:07am – Dunedin: Residents pool their bread and package it up to send to Christchurch, where it now might be of more use.

8:41am – Christchurch: Snow. Everyone rushes to close everything.

8:31am – Auckland: “Icy gales” forecast. Could turn to “Auckland snow”, which is hail.

8:02am – Wellington: Everything is damaged. Why is the rest of the country excited about this?

Thursday 20 June

11:08pm – Christchurch: No snow.

10:15pm – Whanganui: Not even a hint of snow. Starved for attention, residents vote to add several more “h”s to Whahnghanhuhi.

9:49pm – Reefton: Locals surprised to learn area shaken by 4.2 magnitude quake this afternoon, having all been too distracted refreshing metservice.com to notice.

9:34pm – Wellington: Possibly snow, but impossible to tell for sure as wind doing fantastic job of removing all other weather, as well as trees, roofs, animals, small hipsters, Parliamentary toupees.

9:11pm – Christchurch: No snow. Like a lonely sailor’s wife gazing out to sea, Cantabrians stare out windows in vain hope of maybe one day seeing a snowflake again.

7:18pm – Blenheim: Flights into Blenheim cancelled. Not because of snow. Just no reason to go to Blenheim.

6:48pm – Auckland: Goodman Fielder CEO Chris Delaney announces plans for six new bread factories, citing unprecedented sales the company believes will continue now that consumers have gotten into the habit of buying far too much bread.

6:04pm – Christchurch: No snow. Locals mulling “snow pact” for Friday, where everyone just pretends there’s a lot of snow and acts accordingly.

5:33pm - Dunedin: Just dark enough now to imagine it’s snowing.

5:16pm – Christchurch: No snow. From Wellington, Winston Peters suggests the whole thing was conspiracy between MetService and supermarkets.

5:11pm – Auckland: Accumulation of white petals blown about by wind probably best it’s going to get.

4:56pm – Christchurch: Roof lifts off indoor sports centre, converting it to outdoor sports centre and really showing the rebuild team how to get things done fast. (No snow.)

4:44pm - Christchurch: No snow. Miserable population wondering when it will be their turn for a city-stopping force of nature.

4:16pm – Wellington: In response to South Island electricity cuts, Peter Dunne claims: “I gave up my power in solidarity with those South Islanders who have had to give up their power.”

3:54pm – Scott Base: Actually not so bad.

3:38pm – Invercargill: Probably snowing, but nobody has bothered to check.

3:20pm – Hamilton: Hamilton cancelled for the remainder of 2013.

3:04pm – Christchurch: Snowing in an alternate universe where Alison Holst rules with an iron fist and an army of ducks.

2:43pm – Central North Island: Snow reported, providing evidence of second Snow Monster attacking the country. Taupo residents readying sacrifices.

2:22pm – Mt. Hutt: Ski field says rest of country can step off its territory, thank you very much.

2:17pm – Christchurch: Mayor Bob Parker reassures residents that he has his parka on standby.

1:48pm – Wellington: Prime Minister John Key dismisses Shearer’s comments, saying that the country has never been colder and bleaker than under this government.

1:03pm – Wellington: David Shearer questions whether government has delivered sufficient snow; points to angry Christchurch residents.

12:51pm – Christchurch: Forecast is for “just sleet”. Sleet reportedly embarrassed, self-conscious; doing the best it can, it’s not its fault it’s not snow.

12:41pm – Tauranga: City wakes up, turns on television, sees snow, grows bewildered, has a nice cup of tea, goes back to bed.

12:28pm – Inland Canterbury: Civil Defence forgotten where they left several small towns.

12:24pm – Dunedin: No snow. Residents questioning why they bother living there.

12:12pm – Ashburton: Snow disappearing; police launch investigation.

12:08pm – Geraldine: Negotiating snow export opportunities with Fonterra.

11:47am – Naseby: Cut off by large amounts of snow; residents announce plans to secede from New Zealand and declare the dawn of the Naseby Empire. “All will cower before us, probably,” says spokesperson.

11:35am – Fairlie: Snow. Panicked at lack of new photo opportunities, television reporter takes to dumping snow over a lonely cow.

11:33am – Auckland: Tip Top announces new “Polar Blast” ice cream. Exciting packaging, sour and disappointing aftertaste.

11:26am – Christchurch: No snow. Residents picketing MetService offices, demanding they surrender the snow.

10:43am – Lawrence: Lawrence residents chuffed to be deemed “hardest hit” by TVNZ; greatest day in town history since pub chef cracked a triple-yolk egg.

10:06am – Christchurch: No snow.

9:28am – Wellington: Human Rights Commission urging kiwis to build “snowpeople, not snowmen”

8:23am – Dunedin: Everyone awake, but little difference to 3:07am.

7:54am – Darfield: Snow. Rest of country delighted to learn we have a Darfield.

7:02am – Christchurch: No snow. Geonet registers minor tremor as city collectively slams curtains shut with a disgusted “Fuck, now I have to go to work”.

6:48am – Fiordland: Homer Tunnel closed. Closure mistakenly attributed to weather; actually due to copyright claim by The Simpsons producers.

3:07am – Dunedin: Everyone asleep.

Wednesday 19 June

11:21pm – Gore: Still there.

11:08pm – Southland: Snowing. MetService reports risk of “stressed livestock” due to weather; television psychologist Nigel Latta dispatched to provide counselling services.

10:55pm – Hanmer: Snow turned away after hospitality staff fail to recognise who it is.

10:53pm - Lumsden: Police rescue all 20 stranded drivers near Jollies Pass; delayed due to arguments over which of the rescuers got to be Batman and which got to be Robin.

10:47pm – Milton: Snow, and locals really just pretty stoked that something’s happening.

10:36pm – Christchurch: Snow. [10:38pm: CORRECTION - Update should have read "No snow."]

10:28pm – Wellington: Snow remains absent, but baristas gearing up to serve godawful snow-inspired coffee cocktails nonetheless.

10:11pm – Christchurch: No snow. Locals beginning to sheepishly ponder what they’re going to do with all those unnecessary cans of Watties ”Big Eat™”.

9:58pm – Palmerston North: Locals resorting to cannibalism, despite no actual threat of snow.

9:36pm – Wellington: Judith Collins promising tougher penalties for being snow.

9:31pm- Christchurch: Snow making little progress, but residents making steady progress on emergency wine supplies.

8:16pm – Lumsden: Snow. Snow! SNOW! All highways in and out of town detonated; inhabitants left to fend for themselves.

8:08pm – Auckland: Cocaine dealers reporting a roaring trade as Aucklanders try to get in on the “snow” action.

8:06pm- Christchurch: No snow.

7:52pm – Timaru: Posse rounded up to hunt down and kill any snowflake that enters the town’s borders.

7:34pm- Christchurch: No snow.

7:25pm – Hamilton: Too dark to see anything.

7:05pm – Queenstown: Snow falling; rest of country’s resentment grows at Queenstown always getting neat stuff.

6:48pm – Bluff: Residents reporting “teeny snow showers” in blatant attempt to make Bluff relevant.

6:32pm – Dunedin: No snow. Riot breaks out in New World after misunderstanding about packet of Cadbury Snowballs.

5:49pm - Auckland: Noted individual Ken Ring confirms that weather is occurring and will continue to do so.

5:30pm- Christchurch: Responding to reports heavy snow is unlikely below 300m, residents commence efforts to raise city’s elevation to 301m.

4.59pm – Gore: Confirmation of snow settling in hills near Gore, marking first time anything has settled there in decades.

4:20pm- Christchurch: Dewdrops hanging from trees able to be construed as snow if you squint.

4:17pm – Wellington: Disappointment as reports that Beehive “covered in white” just reflective of racial power imbalance.

4:15pm - Auckland: Some light snow showers reported in Auckland circa 1939.

4:13pm – Wellington: City council cordons off Bucket Fountain, expecting that it will become too cold to swim in.

4:02pm – Gore: Sources report that time in Gore is currently 4:02pm.

4:01pm - Dunedin: Earlier reports of snow on city outskirts downgraded to “sleet with ambition.”

3:52pm – Gore: MetService reporting snow in Gore, though no confirmation as no lines of communication between Gore and outside world.

3:50pm – Wellington: Reported mound of snow turns out to be Peter Dunne’s hair.

3:41pm - Dunedin: Workers dumping freezer frost on streets in hopes of getting day off tomorrow.

3:37pm- Christchurch: Just rain at the moment. Though kind of looks like snow against white surfaces.

3:34pm- Christchurch: Council workers report large influx of igloo building consents.

2:30pm - Dunedin: Snow reported on outskirts of city, says woman at supermarket.


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[chrisso]

Science flies you to the moon.

Religion flies you into buildings

[Swoop]

In England, they will take a tree, cut it down, remove the branches and the bark until they are left with a cylinder. Next, they will take the cylinder of wood and turn it on a lathe and whittle away until they are left with a perfectly formed bat. The bat will be cured and treated to strengthen it and then, when it is finally ready, they will use it to knock a leather ball around a park.

In Scotland, they just throw the fucking tree.

[Swoop]

No matter how much I try and buy supermarket conveyor belt dividers, the cashier keeps on putting them back!

[MSTRS]

A man walks into a bar looking depressed.
The bartender comes over and, with a great show of compassion, gives him a beer on the house. "Something bothering you, pal?" the bartender asks.
"The wife and I had a fight" the man said "She doesn't like it when I say the word 'bitch'".
"Why is that?"
"She thinks I need to learn her real name".

[Stirts]

I should be a doctor.

I was watching Embarrassing Bodies on TV the other night when a woman came on telling Dr Christian she felt like her vagina was closing up.

I could have diagnosed that just by looking at her face.

[Maha]

A man asks another man for a coffee and the reply is...:killingme
''You're happy to publicly insinuate I'm an idiot. As far as friendship goes, I think we're done.'' :girlfight:

No, I don't get it either. :scratch:

[Drew]

A man asks another man for a coffee and the reply is...:killingme
''You're happy to publicly insinuate I'm an idiot. As far as friendship goes, I think we're done.'' :girlfight:

No, I don't get it either. :scratch:

Dude, even I get better reasons for defriending than that. What the fuck did you do?

[_Shrek_]

What the fuck did you do?

may be he asked the wrong man out for coffee :rolleyes:

[YellowDog]

A man asks another man for a coffee and the reply is...:killingme
''You're happy to publicly insinuate I'm an idiot. As far as friendship goes, I think we're done.'' :girlfight:

No, I don't get it either. :scratch:

I once had a similar reaction when I stole a line from an old Carry On film.

I said "You FukOffy" and he just didn't get it at all and caused a bit of a scene.

And then he just Fucked Off. I thought he was being a bit of a tosser, but then I guess he though the same of me.

As I didn't get a reference, that was my last job as a waiter :laugh:

[Swoop]

"How's that fat cunt wife of yours these days?" My mate Dave asked me in the pub last night.

"Actually, she's been going to the gym since Christmas." I told him. "Twelve hundred bucks a month it's costing me."

"Fuck me, in membership?"

"No, treadmill repairs!"

[slofox]

When I see lovers' names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think it's strange how many people take knives on a date.

"Roses are red
Violets are blue
I've got a knife
Get in the van."

[Smifffy]

"Roses are red
Violets are blue
I've got a knife
Get in the van."

Another good pick up line is:

"Excuse me miss, does this cloth smell funny to you?"

[haydes55]

Another good pick up line is:

"Excuse me miss, does this cloth smell funny to you?"

I tried that once, but using the underarm of my tshirt just made her gag and then she left :confused:

Do I need to use a different colour tshirt?

[YellowDog]

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a
rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in
his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?"... she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else ?"
said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the
man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars
and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back
two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third
consecutive night, but he paid Valerie
and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me
three nights in a row. "Where are you from?"

The man replied, "New Brunswick."

"Really," she said.
"I have family in New Brunswick."

"I know." the man said.
"Your sister died, and I am her attorney."
"She asked me to give you your
$15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that
three (3) things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

[Banditbandit]

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/p480x480/532540_504956056192072_563026258_n.jpg

[roogazza]

284848284847

[swtfa]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

[Banditbandit]

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.


<img src="http://wallpaperswiki.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Grizzly-Bear-Roar.jpg" width="400px"/>


He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.The bear froze.The forest was silent As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

"Am I to count you as a believer?'"

The atheist looked directly into the light. 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

http://georgiapreach.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/bear-praying.jpg


'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.'

[unstuck]

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.




He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.The bear froze.The forest was silent
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light. 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well', said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:



'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.'

:clap::clap::clap: Very good.:niceone:

[YellowDog]

Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterwards, wearing a grey Chanel number.

After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.

She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Massey University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of Auckland’s leading law firms. They live in a $2m house in Remuera and have a second home in Fiji.

Sue relates that she graduated from Auckland University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City and they live in a $5m house in Mission Bay.

Mary describes her life in a 80 sq metre apartment above a Chinese Takeaway in Manurewa. She runs a tropical bird park and grows her own vegetables. Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect member.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Countdown, they live in a small apartment and have a caravan parked on the front drive.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people’s home. They live the also live in a small apartment and take camping holidays.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

:laugh:

[Banditbandit]

http://thewisecracker.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/elephant-planking.jpg

[Goblin]

:laugh:

http://youtu.be/4BMUC4Yb4z4

[Swoop]

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please."

[haydes55]

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please."


If they had the crips gang they would buy a lot of beer every time they pull their gang sign. (Morningside would be even worse lol)

[Swoop]

Subject: New Chemical Element.


I have just learned that a major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named "Governmentium."

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton like particles called peons.

Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

Have you seen this element?

[Swoop]

I don't think my neighbour watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink.


I've been here for an hour and I'm still fixing her fucking sink.

[unstuck]

I don't think my neighbour watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink.


I've been here for an hour and I'm still fixing her fucking sink.

If she aint wearing a sexy negligee when you open the door, I would be turning around and heading back to the van.:yes:

[awa355]

An hour to fix a bloody sink?? Geez, :yawn:

[Smifffy]

If she aint wearing a sexy negligee when you open the door, I would be turning around and heading back to the van.:yes:

Dude, it's his neighbour.

[Swoop]

I noticed my Jehovah's witness neighbour knocking loudly on his own door today.

I said, "What's wrong? Are you locked out?"

He replied "No, I'm just practicing."






I can see why the royal baby keeps everyone waiting.
If I were inside Kate Middleton, I wouldn't want to come out either!:msn-wink:

[unstuck]

Dude, it's his neighbour.

He may live on a farm.:msn-wink:

[roogazza]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Xe5ldu2jB2E

[nadroj]

A man goes to confession and says "forgive me father - last night I made love to twins half my age in positions that I think are illegal over and over again".
The priest thinks for a few minutes and replies " buy 7 lemons and squeeze the juice into a glass and then drink it".
"Will this cleanse me of my sin?"
"No but it will wipe that smile off your face!"

[Swoop]

Did you know you can't get tapeworms any more?

They're all mp3 worms nowadays.

[DMNTD]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy,
beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told
that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests
until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos, as she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it
flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest
and bent over to pick it up....

Then all the other bells started to ring...

[Swoop]

Specialising in jokes that soft-cock KB'ers believe is "too soon"...
Brace yourself, ladies.




The Queen has called St Mary's Hospital several times today looking for an update on the royal baby.
So far, four nurses have committed suicide.


Everyone seems to go on and on about Kate Middleton's baby... Is it a boy? Is it a girl?
They're all overlooking the important thing that matters the most:
Kate's tits are going to be huge!


I like everyone else woke up this morning thinking. Is It a girl? Is it a boy?
Nothing to do with the Royal baby though, more to do with a cheap hooker in Thailand.


If the royal baby was an Australian cricketer it would be out by now.


Rumour is that Kate's having a Caesarian. They want the baby to come out through the sunroof as a tribute to its grandmother.


William and Kate have decided not to go with the usual Royal names but instead go with the most popular British name.
So can everybody please be standing for the new Royal baby.... King Mohammed.


I hear Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, can't wait to hold the new royal baby. She's champing at the bit.


Kate has given birth to an 8lb 6oz boy.
Mother and baby are doing well. Vagina is a train wreck.


So the Queen's former Gynaecologist Marcus Setchell has delivered the baby.
I bet he's seen a few royal cunts in his time.


The Royal baby boy is said to be more like Kate than William.
It's got a full head of hair.


In an effort to over shadow her sister's big occasion yet again, Pippa Middleton will present the baby to the world whilst wearing crotchless knickers.


Hoping the Royal Baby is ginger so that Harry & William can fight it out on Jeremy Kyle...


The new royal baby looks really cute in his bonnet.
It's the only piece of his late grandmother's Mercedes they could salvage.


Apparently Prince William is on paternity leave from being a prince. Does that mean he's got a real job and stopped accepting taxpayer handouts for a few weeks?


David Cameron, March 2013: "A situation where a person in receipt of benefits receives a bigger income that those in work is, in my view, just crazy."

David Cameron, April 2013: "Handouts should not be higher than average incomes in homes where someone goes out to work."

David Cameron, July 2013: "Congratulations to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge following the birth of their first son."


After her engagement, Kate Middleton had to get her ring made smaller. It's ironic that today the opposite is going to happen.

[Swoop]

The future Monarch of the UK has probably just shat himself, dribbled a bit, and rolled on the floor.

Good old Charles!

[Guzzi-Mulisha]

Movie Test

This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of the
Lost Ark". I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look
at the movie list till you have done the maths!
Try this test and find out what movie is your favourite. This amazing
maths quiz can predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the
most. Don't ask me how, but it really works!
Movie Test:
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite movie
in the list of 18 movies below.








Movie List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

[Smifffy]

You must really suck at maths then.


Movie Test

This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of the
Lost Ark". I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look
at the movie list till you have done the maths!
Try this test and find out what movie is your favourite. This amazing
maths quiz can predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the
most. Don't ask me how, but it really works!
Movie Test:
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite movie
in the list of 18 movies below.








Movie List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

[YellowDog]

A 54 year old woman had a
heart attack & was taken to the
hospital.
While on the operating table
she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked, "Is my
time up ?"
God said, "No, you have another 34
years to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay
in the hospital & have a face-lift,
liposuction, & tummy tuck.
She even changed her hair color Finally
she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the road on her way home,
she was killed by a truck.
Arriving in front of God, she asked,
"You said I had another 34 years
to live. Why didn't you save
me from the truck?"
.
.
.
.
God replied:
"I couldn't recognize you!"

[Swoop]

I used Rohypnol on a fat chick last night.

She was chatting me up at the bar, so I slipped one in her drink and fucked off when she passed out.

[Swoop]

"I love you babe, you go on and hang up first."

"I love you more snookums, you hang up first. "

"I love you infinity more, now you hang up first my little sweetheart."

GCSB: "For fucks sake, both of you morons, hang the fuck up!"





I was given the job of interviewing Kate Middleton's midwife.
"What colour hair did it have?", I asked.
"None at all, completely bald," she replied.
"Is it cute?"
"It was beautiful, one of the cutest I've ever seen," she added.
I said, "Now lets talk about the baby."

[Banditbandit]

A lady walked into a Police Station. The desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,
removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

“That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

[unstuck]

Our new rural patrol car:innocent:

https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1009780_623367807681169_159922765_n.jpg

[Akzle]

Our new rural patrol car:innocent:

https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1009780_623367807681169_159922765_n.jpg

its a fkn navara?

[unstuck]

its a fkn navara?

No shit sherlock.:first::clap:

[MSTRS]

Prime Minister John Key was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him and said "What is the matter with you? You look terrible". He replied that he felt great.

Then John went to work where his secretary took one look at him and said "What is the matter with you? You look terrible". John replied that there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great.

Then he went to lunch with Gerry Brownlea and the Minister looked at him and said "What is the matter with you John? You look terrible". He again replied that he felt great. The Minister suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad.

John went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the examining room and saw him the doctor said "My God, you look terrible". John explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible but that he felt great. The doctor said "Are you sure you feel great?" John reiterated that he definitely felt great!

The doctor got out his medical book and looked up "looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the subsection "feels great".

The doctor said "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels great'. John, at this point very nervous, inquired of the doctor "Tell me... what is it?" The doctor replied "According to my book... you're a cunt!"

[Akzle]

The Big Game Hunter walked
into the bar and bragged to
everyone about his skills as a
hunter. The man was
undoubtedly a good shot and
no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could
blindfold him and he would
recognize any animal's skin
from its feel. Also if he could
locate the bullet hole he would
even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it. This
was a bit too much for the
other customers, and soon a
heated argument was going
on. Then the hunter said that
he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks,
and the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully
and took him to his first
animal skin. After feeling it
for a few moments, he
announced. "Springbok". Then
he felt for the bullet hole and declared. "And shot with
a .308" riffle". The others could
not believe it (he was right of
course) and the argument was
even hotter than before. When someone started to
suggest that he must have
peeped, he said that he was
prepared to do it again. He
would put up all the drinks
they had bought before against them buying another
round for him. So they blindfolded him again,
very thoroughly this time, and
they brought a skin that
someone happened to have in
the boot of his car. He took a
bit longer this time and then said. "Kalahari Lion" and
fingering the bullet hole, said
"and the rifle was a .416" and
he was right again. This of course was like
throwing fat on the fire, and
he had to prove his skills, over
and over again, every time
against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home,
stoned out of his mind, and
went to sleep. The next morning he got up
and saw in the mirror that he
had one hell of a shiner. So he
said to his wife. –Listen I
know I was drunk last night,
but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that
bar. So where did I get this
black eye?". His wife replied angrily. "From
me, of course.", "But what did
I do?” he asked. She replied
"You got into bed and put your
hand down inside my panties.
Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud
triumphant tone: "Skunk,
killed with an axe".

[Akzle]

Lotto A man runs home one evening
and bursts into the house
yelling, "Pack your bags
sweetheart I've just won the
lottery, all six numbers. Can you believe it!?" She says,
"Oh brilliant! Should I pack for
the beach or the mountains?" He replies, "I don't care . . . just
fuck off!"

[unstuck]

Lotto A man runs home one evening
and bursts into the house
yelling, "Pack your bags
sweetheart I've just won the
lottery, all six numbers. Can you believe it!?" She says,
"Oh brilliant! Should I pack for
the beach or the mountains?" He replies, "I don't care . . . just
fuck off!"

:laugh::laugh::Punk::Punk:

[anebv8]

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,
“How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said,
“I make $400 a week. Why?”

The CEO said,
“Wait right here.” He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
“Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”
From across the room a voice said,
“Sure – he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!”

[anebv8]

When John and Mary first got married John said, “I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”
In all their 30 years of marriage Mary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening they were out for a special Anniversary dinner. After dinner Mary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”

John thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Mary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”

John thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Mary asked John, so why do you have all that money in the box?

John answered; “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”

[unstuck]

Cow azaki......:laugh:

https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/1094819_576886122357292_1747071801_n.jpg

[Swoop]

If you rearrange the letters in the words "Faith" and "Religion", you can make the word "Microwave."

No, don't test it or question it, just believe me.

[Banditbandit]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends.

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best Friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

[Banditbandit]

A couple are married and spent the first three weeks of their marriage on honeymoon in Tahiti.

On returning the new groom sees his motorbike is a litle dusty so he pushes out onto the drive and starts to wash it.

His new wife comes down and says "Honey, now that we are married, don't you think it's time to sell the bike? It's pretty dangerous to be riding bike and we can use the money towards a house".

The groom looks at her and says "Dear, you're starting to sound like my ex-wife!"

"What ex-wife," she exclaims. "I didn't know you were married before!"

He replies "I wasn't ... "

[Maha]

If you are going to copy and paste, at least have the decency to proof read and correct all grammar and spelling mistakes.

[Swoop]

I was delivering a lecture on Philosophy at the University.

"By the year 2100, religion will disappear from the civilised world," I said to the students.

A Muslim bloke stood up.

"But professor, currently Islam is spreading and will increase even more by then," he said.

"Abdul," I said, "I was talking about the civilised world."

[unstuck]

I was delivering a lecture on Philosophy at the University.

"By the year 2100, religion will disappear from the civilised world," I said to the students.

A Muslim bloke stood up.

"But professor, currently Islam is spreading and will increase even more by then," he said.

"Abdul," I said, "I was talking about the civilised world."

:laugh::clap::clap:

[Banditbandit]

If you are going to copy and paste, at least have the decency to proof read and correct all grammar and spelling mistakes.

Why? Spelling and grammer (yes, exactly) is your issue, not mine.

[Maha]

Why? Spelling and grammer (yes, exactly) is your issue, not mine.

This message was brought to you by the letter E, which does not feature in the word Grammar.

[Akzle]

smokeys moron club gains a new moron...

[KapitiLizard]

This message was brought to you by the letter E, which does not feature in the word Grammar.

This message was brought to you by the letter E, which does feature twice in the saying "Get a life"

@ Banditbandit - Keep the jokes coming

[slofox]

Old Fart Football


An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man breaks wind and says, 'Goal.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'One each, tie score”....'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 2 to 1.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'2- 2, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
' I lead 3 to 2.' Now the pressure is on the old man

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides...

[MSTRS]

Bubba and Earl, two hillbillies from West Virginia, were in a local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize: year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize: a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighbourhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied "Great, I love spaghetti!" Earl asked Bubba "How about you? How's the toilet brush working out?" "Not so good" replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm going back to paper".

[MSTRS]

A horny guy went into a whorehouse and says, "I need a blow job, but I only have $5". "Okay", The owner said, "That's not much, but for $5 we can give you a penguin".

"What's a penguin?" The man asked. "You'll see", she replied.

So he went upstairs. A young woman came and started giving him a blow job.

But just as he was about to finish, she stopped and walked away.

Frustrated, he waddled after her with his pants around his ankles, screaming "What's a penguin?"

[Smifffy]

A horny guy went into a whorehouse and says, "I need a blow job, but I only have $5". "Okay", The owner said, "That's not much, but for $5 we can give you a penguin".

"What's a penguin?" The man asked. "You'll see", she replied.

So he went upstairs. A young woman came and started giving him a blow job.

But just as he was about to finish, she stopped and walked away.

Frustrated, he waddled after her with his pants around his ankles, screaming "What's a penguin?"

I still recall the drunken party, about 20 years ago, at which a rather large guy by the name of Rex, told this joke, ending it with his trou around his ankles. I doubt his Mrs will ever let him forget it either lol :)

[Berries]

If you are going to copy and paste, at least have the decency to proof read and correct all grammar and spelling mistakes.
Nah. I don't get it.

Is that an IT joke or something?

[Geeen]

What has been seen cannot be unseen......

http://www.funnyordie.com/articles/00f0d6d7c6/two-important-rules-for-online-dating


Great for catching out the unsuspecting though........:lol:

[unstuck]

What has been seen cannot be unseen......


Great for catching out the unsuspecting though........:lol:

Bastard.:eek5:

[Juniper]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

[Swoop]

Justin Bieber has been photographed kissing a young man in a New York club.

That should stop all the stories about her being a lesbian.

[Geeen]

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man:
Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man:
$5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary!)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day
which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400…correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation,
the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000
correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer,
that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account
and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years,
you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?

[DMNTD]

I met a fairy today. She said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "Then I want to die after Hone Harawira becomes prime minister

"You crafty little bastard," said the fairy.

[Swoop]

I like to play Catholic Chess.

What happens is that the Bishop can mate any piece that takes his fancy ...

They are then both moved to a new chessboard in a different room, and the whole thing's forgotten.

[roogazza]

286448

For the redneck brigade on Friday.

[Swoop]

I was sitting in the kitchen this morning when my wife stormed down in a rage.

She yelled, "What did I tell you about the fucking toilet seat?"

I said, "To leave it down."

She shouted, "Then why did you leave it up?"

"If I didn't, you would've went back to bed instead of coming down here to yell at me," I replied. "Now get my fucking breakfast on!"



In Cairo, heavy duty vehicles driven by Government loyalists crush dozens of tent-dwellers to death.
The Egyptian curse of two ton car men strikes again.


Presumably Oprah Winfrey wants equality for black people.
Well, there's nothing more equal than starving African children and a fat multi-millionaire buying vanity products in Switzerland.


I spent $96 on TradeMe today to buy a cheese grater once owned by Hitler and Saddam Hussein.
It was the grater of two evils.


Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Rohypnol is cheaper,
Than dinner for two.


I've just created a new board game for Muslims called 'Atrocity'.
It's just like Monopoly except you start with the buildings on the board.

[Swoop]

A bloke buys a parrot from the local pet-shop but every time he walks past its cage it keeps saying,

'I'm from London and I'm 'ard as fackin' nails you caahnt!'

After a few days of this, the bloke goes back to the shop for some advice.

'He's just lonely,' says the shop-keeper. 'Put this female parrot in his cage - he'll have some company and be as happy as Larry!'

The next morning the bloke goes downstairs and finds the female dead at the bottom of the cage. The parrot just stands there saying,

'I'm from London and I'm 'ard as fackin' nails you caahnt!'

So the bloke goes back to the shop and this time he comes back with a kestrel hawk and puts it in the cage. The next morning he goes downstairs to find the kestrel stone dead. The parrot just stands there once more, saying

'I'm from London and I'm 'ard as fackin' nails you caahnt!'

Exasperated, the bloke goes back to the shop and tells the shop-keeper to sort it out this time or he'll give the parrot back and have a refund. The shop-keeper gives the bloke a Golden Eagle. The bloke goes home and puts the Eagle into the cage. The next morning the bloke checks the cage and finds the Golden Eagle dead at the bottom, and the parrot missing all of its feathers. The parrot says,

"I had to take my coat off for that fucker!"

[unstuck]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/972354_143729275835744_1858481114_n.jpg

[YellowDog]

I was standing in a bar in Auckland yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fruck you ask me dat? Is it coz I Chinee?"

"No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick." - WHACK, POW, SMAAAASH...............

[Juniper]

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance — Particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: “http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML” and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

[crazyhorse]

Roger left for work on Friday morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.

Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'

Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.'

Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

By the Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so that Roger he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye

[doc]

This was in my Inbox today



Down at the Registry Office....

Hi David

In light of today being the first day that genderless 'marriages' have been introduced in to New Zealand, we thought this commentary was timely.

"Next."

"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage licence."

"Names?"

"Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."

"Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers? You can't get married."

"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licences to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest! Why do you want to get married?"

"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licences to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."

"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."

"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your licence. Next."

"Hi. We are here to get married."

"Names?"

"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."

"Who wants to marry whom?"

"We all want to marry each other."

"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."

"But we've only been granting licences to gay and lesbian couples."

"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"

"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."

"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The politicians said there should be equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage licence!"

"All right, all right. Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage licence."

"In what names?"

"David Deets."

"And the other man?"

"That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"

"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return........"

"That does it! I quit! You people are making a mockery of marriage!"
(Source unknown)

We trust that gives you a smile on a Monday! Says it all, doesn't it.

Have a good week.





Bob McCoskrie
National Director


















follow

[Marmoot]

Is the punchline of that joke actually on the "financial benefits" part?

[Juniper]

A guy went to see his psychologist and tells him he has a great temptation to put his penis in the pickle slicer at work, he goes on to say the more he thinks about it the harder he gets. The shrink tells him about the extreme damage and pain it would cause.

This went on for several months at every visit with the doctor, he would talk about how bad he wanted to put his dick in the pickle slicer, and the doctor would warn against it. Finally he wore down the doctor who said, if you so badly want to, go ahead and do it, and get it over with, but make sure the pickle slicer is off when you do it.

The man could hardly wait and after work, when the factory was closed, he did it. The boss seen him do it, and fired him. He went home to his wife and told her the whole story, and she immediately yanked his pants down and looked at his penis. She said, Thank God it did not hurt your penis, but if your penis is not hurt, what happened to the pickle slicer? He looked shameful and said She got fired also.

[Swoop]

I got pulled over by the police today and the officer said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

I replied, "Obviously not fast enough."

[Jase H]

Now that the GSCB Bill has passed, why don't we all sign up:

http://getprsm.com/

[Bassmatt]

Is the punchline of that joke actually on the "financial benefits" part?

No its the Bob McCoskrie bit.

[Swoop]

After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.

She said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

"Fair enough," I replied, groping her breasts.

[Swoop]

"I would like to be treated as a woman" - Pte Bradley Manning

Not the exact words I would be using before being locked in a building with hundreds of rapists for 35 years...

[nadroj]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.

[Swoop]

My wife phoned me and said "I'm so excited, I just tried on my wedding dress and after 10 years it still fits."

"Of course it fits," I replied "You were 9 months pregnant when we were married."

[slofox]

Oooooooooch!

286873

[Banditbandit]

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says, "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golf course--'

She said, “Don’t forget your sweater.”

[Juniper]

Two Billy goats were wandering around Hollywood looking for something to eat when they came across a tin containing an old film reel. One said to the other , "look an old movie", the other replied " let's have some" . And they preceded to take turns chewing up and eating the entire film reel.
The first goat says to the other "how did you like the movie"...
The second goat replied "I think I liked the book better".

[Smifffy]

Two Billy goats were wandering around Hollywood looking for something to eat when they came across a tin containing an old film reel. One said to the other , "look an old movie", the other replied " let's have some" . And they preceded to take turns chewing up and eating the entire film reel.
The first goat says to the other "how did you like the movie"...
The second goat replied "I think I liked the book better".

Proceeded +10

[Swoop]

I bought a bottle of wine today and the label on the back read, 'Usually drunk with pizza.'

I thought, "What a coincidence, so am I!"

[Swoop]

The two policemen sat opposite me, "We think you might be able to help with us our enquires."

"I've done nothing wrong!" I protested.

"We don't suspect you of anything. You just look cleverer than we are."

[Swoop]

My mother was a prostitute and I never met my father.

Because of this I was a loner at school and even as an adult I've never had any close friends.

The only woman that would ever go out with me was my own cousin, and I ended up marrying the miserable bitch.

Many people would use all this as an excuse for being a failure in life, but it all helped me get to the top of my chosen profession.

I've just won "Traffic Warden of the Year." :first:

[Scuba_Steve]

NZ legal system

[Juniper]

I work for the worlds largest nanotechnology company

We aren't very good.

[ellipsis]

Mohammad's first day at school
Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Australia now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."
Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Australia and now my name is Kevin."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Kevin?” she asked.
"Well miss, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."

[Swoop]

As Headmaster of a Catholic primary school, the first thing I have to do in the morning is read the register.

In case any teachers have been put on it overnight.

[Stirts]

Twerking and Selfie have been added to the dictionary. Future and Optimism have been removed.

[roogazza]

287167287168287169

[Juniper]

Once upon a time, there was a kingdom of living, walking, talking flowers. The King, a hearty perennial, was married to a delicate but chilly lily of a Queen. At a court orgy, he happened upon a lusty young rose who did things to his stamen that his Queen hadn't for years. He grew quite attached to her skills, as well as the smooth green of her leaves and stem and the fullness of her blossom. However, she didn't seem to have any interests besides the carnal ones. Being a flower of refinement and education, the King tried his best to educate the rose.

Mathematicians, philosophers, poets, musicians...professionals in a smorgasbord of the arts and sciences paraded through the castle, each one trying to engage the rose's interest. All of them failing. None of them could keep her attention long enough for her to learn anything worthwhile.

Eventually, the King grew disheartened, and even the rose's delightful skills at orgy weren't as satisfying as they once were, due to her unfulfilled potential. So, a dose of weed killer was slipped into the rose's wine, and she promptly withered and died.

The moral of the story?
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

[Juniper]

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

Lady, the attendant said, Indians ride bareback.

[Scuba_Steve]

A guy was new in New York & decided to visit his local bar after work. While there he spotted the most beautiful women he had ever laid eyes on sitting alone in the corner, now being so beautiful he was to intimidated to approach & so just sat at the bar drinking his drink & admiring the lady from afar.

This went on for a week, each night he would visit the local bar for a drink & each night this beautiful women would be sitting alone in the corner. Eventually he got up the nerve to ask the bar tender "that lady over there, she's here every night alone do you know does she have a man or anything?"
To which the bar tender replied "na that's the local prostitute, but be careful she costs!"

Finding this new info out & with her being the most beautiful women he had ever seen he decided to take his chances & go for it.
He approached & enquired about her services she then proceed to respond "honey if you have to ask you cannot afford me, for example a handjob will cost you 2000$ but it'll be the best handjob you ever had"
Now obviously the man was a bit taken back by this & responded with a "what! you can't be serious?"
She points out the window to a brand new Ferrari 599 "see that Ferrari? I paid cash for that Ferrari with money I made only from handjobs, they're that good"

At this point the guy is calling bullshit, but the women is just so beautiful he cannot resist even if it is just a handjob so he decides to go for it & hires her for the night.
Well that night he has the most amazing handjob he has ever had in-fact even better than any fuck he has ever had.

The next night he eagerly waits at the bar for the women to show again, with a handjob that good he can't wait to try the other offerings. The women walks in, sits in her usual spot & he immediately approaches her

"last night was amazing! what's it gonna cost for a blowjob?"
She responds with "10,000$ but if you thought the handjob was amazing you aint had nothing yet"
he's obviously stunned by the price at this stage & whimpers a "really!?"
She proceeds to point out the window & one of the biggest flashiest apartment blocks in New York "you see that apartment block, I brought that with only cash made from blowjobs"
The man thinks for a minute but decides YOLO, with the handjob being the most amazing sex he'd ever had the blowjob could only be better so decides just to go for it.

That night was far better than the last, in-fact last night was a distant memory now there was no compression the blowjob was mind blowing, the best night of his life EVER!

Understandably the next night again he was waiting at the bar in anticipation for her to show again this time he was going the whole way regardless of cost, this women was amazing!

She walks in & before she can get to her seat the man approaches & says "I just can't resist, I have to go the whole way. How much?" He braced himself for the answer.
She led him outside & pointed towards Manhattan Island "you see that Island over there"
the guy sits in shock "no fucking way! really?"
"yep" she replies "if I were really a women I'd own that Island"

[Swoop]

A blonde woman goes to the hospital.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Equador in my vagina."

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear,
they're the stickers off the bananas"

[Banditbandit]

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment. All of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'


Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.'

[Swoop]

I was stood at the Auckland airport International Arrivals gate holding up my sign, when security approached and asked me to leave.

"Why am I being singled out?" I asked, motioning to the other people waiting there.

"Why? Because none of them have a sign saying 'Fuck off back to your own country'. That's why."

[unstuck]

I was stood at the Auckland airport International Arrivals gate holding up my sign, when security approached and asked me to leave.

"Why am I being singled out?" I asked, motioning to the other people waiting there.

"Why? Because none of them have a sign saying 'Fuck off back to your own country'. That's why."

Must spread.:killingme:killingme:clap:

[Swoop]

Must spread.:killingme:killingme:clap:

I'll write the sign in arabic and chinese next time, so the rent-a-cop won't know what's going on!:headbang:

[nallac]

Must spread.:killingme:killingme:clap:

I hope you mean Rep..... not some thing else.....

[wysper]

A well-known professional gentleman was invited to deliver an after-dinner talk at a formal banquet attended by a gathering of pipers and their wives. He was famous for taking too much drink and sometimes descending into the risque; on this occasion he was swaying and glassy eyed when he stared for a while at the diners and announced he would put to them a riddle.

"What's round and soft and surrounded by hair and gets wet when you poke it?" He demanded.

There was an embarassed silence as people exchanged horrified glances.

He repeated the question, then said, "You don't know, do you? Well, I'll TELL you. It's a ..." and here he uttered a word which cannot be used in a polite forum such as this; suffice it to say that amid the shocked gasps the Head of the Table beckoned to the Headwaiter who came with two of his team and briskly led the offending speaker to the front door, gave him his hat and coat, and shut the door behind him.

He stood swaying there for a moment, then his Rolls purred up to the kerb and his chauffeur jumped out and opened the car door. As he stumbled to get in, the chauffeur observed "I see you made a mess of the eyeball joke again, sir."

[unstuck]

Taken from actual exchanges between pilots and control towers..........

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"



O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, 1 o'clock, 3 miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number 1 for takeoff."


A DC-10 had come in a little hot & thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able... If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights & return to the airport."


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; & yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."


The pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, & taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio & said: "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours & I'll have enough parts for another one."


A PanAm 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control & a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha 1-7."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway & slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Standby Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark - & I didn't land."


A Luftansa pilot approaching London was heard telling his crew about his war-time exploits as a bomber pilot, with the mike deliberately left on: “Zis is where we used to assemble, then follow ze Thames river up to our targets in London”.
Out of the blue, another pilot with a British accent screamed into his mike: “Achtung!!! Spitfire!!!”


While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn & came nose-to-nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C & D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage at the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there & don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, & I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, & how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am” the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence & keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Juniper]

I hope you mean Rep..... not some thing else.....

No he meant something else!

[unstuck]

No he meant something else!

OI, I can hear you.:girlfight:

[YellowDog]

Little Charlie and his friend Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Charlie goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Charlie bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to
Ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Charles, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Charlie replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit in it nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Charlie instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed. Charlie has put so much thought into this.

"Well Charles, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Charlie just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little bastard is adorable.

[Stirts]

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.

One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy! He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of me congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub owner looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub!"

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord nodded and said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

[Swoop]

When I saw the plumber's van parked outside the house, I feared the worst.

But thankfully, he was just fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.:sweatdrop

[Stirts]

Husband comes home early to see how the plumber was getting on, only to find him doing his wife doggy style over the kitchen sink.

He lost it completely "You stupid slag," he screamed "do you have any idea how much he charges to plug a hole that size?"

[T.W.R]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying: "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace,take us to your leader"
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became agitated at the lack of response.

The older alien said: "I'd calm down if I were you"

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently: "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying: "You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad" "Rubbish", replied the cocky young alien.
He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy fried friend and replied:

"If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear!"

[Swoop]

Who led the Jews through a semi-permeable membrane?
Osmoses!

[roogazza]

287365287366

[Banditbandit]

Three nuns were attending a Yankees baseball game.

Three men were sitting directly behind them. Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns, hoping they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think i'm going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there."

Then the second guy spoke up and said loudly, "I want to move to Montana .. there are only 50 nuns living there!"

The third guy yelled, "I want to go to idaho. There are only 25 nuns living there!"

The Mother Superior turned around, looked at the men and, in a very sweet and calm voice said,


"Why don't you go to hell ... there aren't any nuns there at all."

[Juniper]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'

[Juniper]

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear" she groans to her husband. The husband calls 999 on his mobile phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear" says the husband calmly "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you. "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly. "No time at all" says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through".

[Juniper]

5 types of sex.

Pension Sex : Two men were talking.
"So, How's your sex life?"
"Oh, Nothing special. I am having pension sex."
"Pension sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on."
Loud Sex : A wife went to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, Doc.
Everytime we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an ear
splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink says,"that's completely natural. I don't see what
the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."
Quiet Sex : Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his
wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell
me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him and replied, "You're never home!"
Confounded Sex : A man was in a terrible accident, and his manhood was
mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him
that modern medicine could give him back his manhood,
but his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery as it was
considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be
$3,500 for "small"
$6,500 for "medium"
$14,000 for "large"
The man was sure he would want medium or large, but the
doctor urged him to talk to his wife before he made a
decision. The man called his wife and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room and found the man in
tears.
"What, seems to be the problem? Are you able to financially
afford what you want?" the doctor asked.
The man looked up and with tears in his eyes replied, "She
would rather remodel the kitchen."
Wedding Anniversary Sex : A husband and his wifehad a bitter quarrel on the
day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband
yelled, "When you die, I'm getting a headstone that
reads: Here lies my wife - Cold as ever."
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, i'm getting a
headstone that reads: Here lies my husband -
Stiff at last."

[Banditbandit]

An oldie - and likely a repost - but still funny

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside the Beehive. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire Parliament, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a litre."

[Akzle]

and likely a repost

its not... :scratch:

[Banditbandit]

its not... :scratch:

Oh ... I've known that joke for a long time - over the weekend I was reminded of it by a friend ... I was sure someone else would have posted it - just couldn't be bothered checking ...

[Swoop]

A mate and I got lost in the woods for five days.

We survived by eating mushrooms.

Which, incidentally, is how we got lost.

[ellipsis]

When a girl gets a vibrator, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun.

BUT when a guy orders a 240 Volt FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll
with a 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non-drip semen
collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream
surround sound system………. he's called a pervert!

[BigAl]

Little Johnny Again

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."

The second boy said, "Predator."
“ Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

“ Well my sister has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

[Virago]

...and likely a repost...


its not... :scratch:

www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php/55142-Ransom

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php/25176-Laugh-for-the-day?p=527914#post527914

www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php/23522-Ransom

:done:

[Akzle]

www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php/55142-Ransom

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php/25176-Laugh-for-the-day?p=527914#post527914

www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php/23522-Ransom

:done:

fuck me. Youve got a thing about that eh.

Not in this thread, at least.
I would green you. But ive a sneaky suspicion that youre a cunt.

[KapitiLizard]

This kind of cunt ? ({*})

[DMNTD]

A 75 year old senior citizen bought a brand new Ducati Diavel and drove it out of the salesroom, with the salesman shaking his head at what he just let happen. Taking off down the motorway, he opened the throttle and was soon doing 120mph, he was revelling this new experience. ”Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the road, enjoying pushing the bike more and more. Looking in his mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he opened it up to 140mph, then 150 then 160. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the now distraught man, looked at his watch and said, ”Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.

[Swoop]

An African lady called Betty came into my restaurant and asked "Is there any chicken on the menu?"
I replied "No black Betty, it's ham or lamb."

[Juniper]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

[Juniper]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the
mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

[Swoop]

There was a documentary on the telly about vegetarian cavemen.

Apparently they died out earlier than the cavemen who ate meat.

They didn't starve though.

They got clubbed to death by the meat-eaters for fucking constantly whining on about why they became vegetarians.






Can't blame them really.:shifty:

[Stirts]

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Unless he's a Vegetarian




then you can get there through his fanny.

[unstuck]

<iframe src="https://www.facebook.com/video/embed?video_id=556238287758868" width="1280" height="720" frameborder="0"></iframe> :lol::lol: