Friday jokes [Archive] - Page 15

anebv8

29th December 2014, 17:01

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".

cc rider

30th December 2014, 00:36

Loving this kids :laugh:

Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.
Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to
send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: "Nescafe".
Puzzled at first Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Great from beginning to end".

Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding and the card read: "Rothmans".
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: "Super Strong King Size".

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand.
Mum waited for a week,
Nothing.
Another week went by and still nothing.
A month passed; still nothing.
A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand".
Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'

MUM FAINTED!!!

unstuck

30th December 2014, 05:36

Loving this kids :laugh:

!

:killingme:killingme:killingme IOU.:niceone:

BigAl

30th December 2014, 10:50

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you.... He is in Prison.
-----------------------------------------------------------

The wife came out of the bathroom and said. “I have just shaved
my pussy and you know what that means don't you”?

I said. “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again”!
------------------------------------------------------

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. Picked him up in a night club.
He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman.
But as we arrived back at his apartment, he reversed his car into a
tight parking slot in one fluid movement.
That's when I thought. “Fuckin hang on” !!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Swoop

30th December 2014, 21:25

Specialist Ebola doctors are concerned after a case has been confirmed in Glasgow.

It means the virus is now resistant to alcohol!

A case of Ebola found in Glasgow has caused panic.

Locals don't know whether you're meant to drink it or deep fry it.

roogazza

31st December 2014, 15:13

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YellowDog

31st December 2014, 17:46

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, but I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death!

Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."
"No way" says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet…..

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid....... then I was petrified.

A wife says to her husband: "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back".
He says: "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair".

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you".
She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied: "It's me talking to the beer".

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst, so I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

They've opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing but I have my suspicions something weird is going on.
Yesterday I saw 20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming out.

I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it

I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house.
I think he's lost his rag.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do'.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up, and the driver sobbing uncontrollably and looking very miserable.
I thought to myself: 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

www.conjunctivitis.com. Now there's a site for sore eyes!

gjm

31st December 2014, 17:51

307299
No idea how I've not heard that before.
Lol.

Robbo

1st January 2015, 20:25

Two Woodpeckers

So, this Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked

the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat...

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker

was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck

the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, Tiger Woods and Shane Warne were right, when they said,

“Your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.”

YellowDog

1st January 2015, 23:18

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face :rofl:

Swoop

3rd January 2015, 19:04

My wife keeps dropping hints about a sexy gift she wants.
"It begins with 'D' and ends in 'O' .. and it fits snugly in there", she winked as she pointed suggestively at her crotch.
I said, "Where the fuck am I gonna find a didgeridoo?"

SVboy

4th January 2015, 18:48

What is the similarity between women and horses?

They both feed the cat!

Juniper

5th January 2015, 08:58

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

unstuck

5th January 2015, 11:43

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<div class="fb-post" data-href="https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1030385647008625" data-width="466"><div class="fb-xfbml-parse-ignore"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1030385647008625">Post</a> by <a href="https://www.facebook.com/LADbible">The LAD Bible</a>.</div></div>
:laugh::laugh::laugh:

Laava

5th January 2015, 11:48

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

And I always thought Bart Simpson got stuck in the 8th grade!

unstuck

5th January 2015, 11:50

And I always thought Bart Simpson got stuck in the 8th grade!

lol. :2thumbsup

Swoop

6th January 2015, 08:53

All the gym bunnies moaning about the newbies. Get over yourselves.
You didn't see us moaning when you came to use our pubs in December.

gjm

6th January 2015, 19:39

A college class was asked to write a short story in as few words as possible.
The only catch was the story had to include three subjects:

1: Religion
2: Sexuality
3: Mystery

Below is the only A* essay.

"Good god, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it."

Swoop

7th January 2015, 08:49

Leading pharmaceutical companies have announced that they will no longer use rabbits in their scientific experiments. Muslims are to be used instead. A spokesman explained that they breed much faster than rabbits, and nobody gets fond of them.

roogazza

8th January 2015, 06:30

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
>
> When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion,
> so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
>
> In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
> was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
> suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
>
> When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
> totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
> dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
>
> When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
> She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
> mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great
> fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a
> girl with some real ambition.
>
> When I turned 30, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted
> firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
> divorced me and took everything I owned.
>
> I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
>
>

Juniper

9th January 2015, 07:46

Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg or Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Swoop

9th January 2015, 08:22

The BBC has commissioned a new sitcom set in France under Muslim occupation.

It's called Allah Allah.

gjm

9th January 2015, 12:26

https://scontent-b-sea.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10392545_896863563680358_6567250643093693519_n.jpg ?oh=137d4c7da2d671a321682e3140080f89&oe=556AF2DA

roogazza

9th January 2015, 13:58

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unstuck

10th January 2015, 08:17

SENIOR SEX

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

gjm

10th January 2015, 08:55

https://scontent-b-lax.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10930077_10155088078050451_3080305176841058718_n.j pg?oh=9b7f84c5808b9dc9258dd6bf4e211632&oe=552711C7

Swoop

11th January 2015, 21:31

Yesterday I was horrified to find out that my son has been taking drugs.

I gave him a good clip round the ear and told him that he has a week to replace them.

Swoop

12th January 2015, 11:15

Say what you like about Muslim women, they make brilliant bee keepers!

YellowDog

13th January 2015, 22:23

A man from Birmingham goes into a costume hire shop:

Man: “Oid loik to hoir a 1970s rigout with all the trimmings, you know, big flares, big lapels, platform shoes, and all that.”.

Assistant: “I suppose you'd like a kipper tie with that?”.

Man: “Oo yes, that would be noice, milk and two sugars, ploise....!”.

unstuck

14th January 2015, 08:49

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
‘Kin ya swallar?’
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’

YellowDog

14th January 2015, 14:12

http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb93/andwend/Mohammed_zps201e16a6.jpg

Swoop

15th January 2015, 08:56

News: U.S. congressman sends tweet comparing Obama to Hitler.

Which is ridiculous, of course.

At this point in his career, Hitler had a much higher approval rating.

Reckless

15th January 2015, 10:55

Must Read.
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

roogazza

15th January 2015, 17:51

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roogazza

16th January 2015, 08:00

COINCIDENCE!!!

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'

Juniper

16th January 2015, 08:18

THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN.

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status…

So to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect

gjm

16th January 2015, 09:39

I shagged my best mates girlfriend last night, and now I feel awful.

I think she must have had the flu or something.

gjm

16th January 2015, 11:43

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roogazza

16th January 2015, 17:52

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People --

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Chocolate is just another snack...

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $5 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

___________________________________

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators...YEP!!!

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 250. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the rubbish, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances,
best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humour and who can handle it.....

and to the men who will enjoy reading it!

gjm

16th January 2015, 18:56

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, “I’m on the 14th, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.
I understand that you are a sales lady …. well, I am in sales also. What do you sell?”
She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No I wouldn't,” he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.
“Well if you must know”, she answered, “I sell Tampax.”
With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath..
She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied.

“I’m a toilet paper salesman,
So I’m still a hole behind you!"

Swoop

18th January 2015, 18:19

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

Teacher: Where the fuck do you get seven from?!?!?

Johnny: Because I fucking have 1 at home!!!

YellowDog

19th January 2015, 11:21

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.

His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married, I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs".

Jim gets a horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, What's wrong?"

Jim says, "For a minute there, you were sounding like my ex-wife"

"EX WIFE!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't!", he replies.

gjm

21st January 2015, 19:40

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roogazza

22nd January 2015, 18:03

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anebv8

22nd January 2015, 18:13

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!
For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And YOU will now be his carer!
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg...He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

Big Dog

22nd January 2015, 23:45

308196

You must be this tall for this ride.

Stupid phone / Tapatalk, apologies in advance.

YellowDog

23rd January 2015, 01:48

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

gjm

24th January 2015, 15:44

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/2-Stroke-Powerbands-All-colours-avalible-15bhp-Aprilia-RS125-Cagiva-Mito-/201269316238

:killingme

Swoop

24th January 2015, 20:03

INSTANTLY GIVES 15BHP
•WHEELIE IN EVERY GEAR
•LEAVE R6'S GSXR'S WHEN THE POWERBAND KICKS IN!
•ALL COLOURS AVAILABLE
•FREE POSTAGE

Awesome!!!:Punk:

ellipsis

26th January 2015, 11:59

There are 10 times in written history
where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

10. "What the Fuck do you mean, we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

9. "What the Fuck was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

8. "Where did all those Fucking Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

7. "Any Fucking idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

6. "It does so Fucking look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

5. "How the Fuck did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

4. "You want WHAT on the Fucking ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

3. "Where the Fuck are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

2. "Scattered Fucking showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

1. "Aw c'mon. Who the Fuck is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998

(Repost? Too bad...)

Big Dog

26th January 2015, 13:40

swbarnett

26th January 2015, 15:36

There are 10 times in written history
where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

And then there's the German surname - Heir Fuck (pronounced roughly like fook as in food).

I kid you not. The spelling above is correct as well.

slofox

26th January 2015, 16:17

There's this one too...

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/LCVuarcvJWU" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Swoop

27th January 2015, 10:24

I'm going to set up my own religion, one where it's important to respect other people's beliefs, learn to take criticism on the chin like an adult, wash regularly, treat women and children as equals and never kill anyone under any circumstances.

Its a non-prophet organisation.

nadroj

27th January 2015, 16:29

Taking a woman up the arse is a lot like riding a motorbike.
You're highly likely to get bird shit on your helmet.

gjm

27th January 2015, 17:08

And then there's the German surname - Heir Fuck (pronounced roughly like fook as in food).

I kid you not. The spelling above is correct as well.

And Fucking, Austria (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fucking,_Austria). Pronounced 'Fooking'.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/91/Fucking%2C_Austria%2C_street_sign_cropped.jpg

Possibly the most stolen traffic sign anywhere.

roogazza

27th January 2015, 18:26

308383308384308385308386308387308388

YellowDog

29th January 2015, 07:21

As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai." :shit:

YellowDog

29th January 2015, 08:23

I've just arrived at one of those Swiss suicide clinics.

It cost me 44,000 Sw Francs.

Do you know what the bastards have given me for breakfast this morning?

A bowl of Fucking "Cheerios".

Swoop

29th January 2015, 08:43

If you cannot decide whether your cup is half full or half empty, the main point is...

You need to buy a different size bra.

Swoop

29th January 2015, 08:45

At the shopping centre the other day, eating at the food court, an old man sat watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange and blue.

The old man's stare never faltered. The teenager would look and every time he did so, he found the old man's eyes fixed on him.

Eventually, the teenager had had enough and he asked sarcastically, "What's the matter with you old man - never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock" he said. "I was just wondering if you were my son."

YellowDog

29th January 2015, 09:53

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.
He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."*
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."

unstuck

29th January 2015, 16:21

Coppers, remember to turn your dash cams off.:msn-wink:
I like the way he stops his performance when at the ped crossing.:laugh::laugh:

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/8XFBUM8dMqw" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>:devil2:

husaberg

29th January 2015, 21:52

...........................

roogazza

30th January 2015, 07:32

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber’s chair, eating a muffin while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your muffin."

"I know," she replies, "I'm going to get tits too."

gjm

31st January 2015, 08:19

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10931722_1045533258806982_1625597422321352798_n.jp g?oh=4ff49fa48b24c10115ead0edd93f134d&oe=5554B32A&__gda__=1428478528_eea70dbb6f94f9225a9c6026c58d8c1 8

anebv8

31st January 2015, 09:35

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. (Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it).

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

husaberg

31st January 2015, 19:17

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SY1Bj3uOjIA

gjm

1st February 2015, 08:13

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10302694_10203856999518184_2778749220233120550_n.j pg?oh=e89c989a2f5037118d12a2040398deda&oe=556C7524&__gda__=1431307121_e8f096c788980c7282cdff672073e42 0

YellowDog

1st February 2015, 08:30

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.

I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household !

You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose !

Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line ?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

gjm

1st February 2015, 08:46

Three storks meet and get chatting.

“Where are you going today?”
“Well, I'm going to a couple trying to have a child for 10 years... I'm bringing them a little girl."
“That’s cool! And you?”
“I am going to see a lady who has never had children. I'm bringing her a boy!"
“Great , I'm sure she'll be really happy.”
“And you?” The first two ask the third stork.
“Me? Oh I am going over to do a quick fly-by at the convent. I never bring them anything, but I love to scare the shit them ...”

husaberg

1st February 2015, 09:35

http://i.imgur.com/xkCk621.jpg

husaberg

1st February 2015, 12:20

http://i39.tinypic.com/6susli.gif

YellowDog

2nd February 2015, 13:00

_Shrek_

2nd February 2015, 14:49

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

sounds about right :laugh:

husaberg

2nd February 2015, 22:27

https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQiUz00jW4VVNJG_xkd4KIFehgHPnMMJ 3I144vMK1HBymuqFZ0o

roogazza

3rd February 2015, 07:52

Mechanic and Cardiologist
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic,
"Try doing it with the engine running."

roogazza

3rd February 2015, 08:04

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl:
"Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied in a loud voice:
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed
and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with
a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you
felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S TOO MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people”

Swoop

3rd February 2015, 10:18

I've just been banned from TradeMe.

Apparently, a rat and a plastic tube does not constitute a DIY abortion kit.

YellowDog

3rd February 2015, 21:19

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

awa355

4th February 2015, 15:38

http://i1074.photobucket.com/albums/w420/awa355/Untitledpicture3-2.png

anebv8

4th February 2015, 17:28

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to set a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You need only two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Thought for the day -

some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when they're pushed down the stairs.

Laava

4th February 2015, 19:43

The Irish branch of the terrorist group ISIS have broken into Dublin zoo and taken three ostriches

anebv8

5th February 2015, 19:46

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

anebv8

5th February 2015, 19:50

Two Eskimos are walking across the ice and see something dark in their path.
First Eskimo says to the second, "Looks like dog chit."
First Says "Pick it up".
Second Eskimo says Eh?
First says "pick it up!"
Second says "Feels like dog chit.
First says "smell."
Second "eh?"
First, "SMELL."
Second, "smells like dog chit."
First, "taste."
second Eskimo, "EH?"
first says "TASTE!"
Second, "Tastes like dog chit."
First says,"Huh...must be dog chit. Good thing we did'nt step in it!"

roogazza

7th February 2015, 14:33

308717308718308719308720308721308722

roogazza

8th February 2015, 09:02

308733
xxx

Tazz

8th February 2015, 11:34

unstuck

9th February 2015, 07:35

https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t34.0-12/1543076_245356722306542_669181769_n.jpg?oh=c5f4998 06ecfe26ed6e19dc8a5ec93c0&oe=54DA42A1&__gda__=1423533882_3fbd6ea56bc4edfa0a6cd75509b7de9 f

gjm

9th February 2015, 08:32

My mate got badly hurt when he was hit with a rhythm stick.

I told him to contact ACC and make a personal Ian Dury claim. He said it would be a reason to be cheerful.

Laava

9th February 2015, 09:09

My mate got badly hurt when he was hit with a rhythm stick.

I told him to contact ACC and make a personal Ian Dury claim. He said it would be a reason to be cheerful.

There aint half been some clever bastards!

husaberg

9th February 2015, 18:36

...........

gjm

10th February 2015, 18:08

A murder at the World Origiami Championships was covered in 3D on Sky pay per view. Rumours that a fight started after paper ran out and the organisers suggested using cotton instead are a fabrication.

More news as events unfold.

nadroj

10th February 2015, 18:38

The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."
The second man wants to live and agrees to do the deed.
The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "fuck me then!"
The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes.
He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window.
The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed.
The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the gentleman and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

Swoop

11th February 2015, 10:58

It's been another bad week! I've just been banned from my local library. I only moved these books:

Jimmy Savile's autobiography to the children's section.

Mein Kampf to the comedy section.

The Bible to the fantasy section.

The Koran to crime, and

Fifty Shades of Grey to the education section.

caspernz

11th February 2015, 12:03

haydes55

11th February 2015, 14:19

Cassina

10chars

caseye

13th February 2015, 18:55

Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Granddads’ is?

5 year old granddaughter is taken to school daily by her grandfather.When he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild. That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!!"What made it different?" asked her parents:

"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head, foreign prick or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!'

roogazza

13th February 2015, 18:58

308956308957308958308959

caseye

13th February 2015, 19:14

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

A little boy and a little girl attended
the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat
their lunch. They discovered that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every
day!
This went on all through the fourth and
fifth grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken
sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating
chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop
eating it."

"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm
starting to grow little feathers down
there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You
are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches
until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, "I have to
stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm
starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled
down his pants for her.

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for
you! You've already got the neck and the
gizzards!!!

gjm

13th February 2015, 20:14

An older gentleman, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night .

He replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The gentleman replied, "That would be my wife."

unstuck

13th February 2015, 20:14

https://scontent-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/10612730_10205026847884874_4971662518438173833_n.j pg?oh=1679dcab0fd3761be2ce260b7e66281b&oe=555E2264

eldog

13th February 2015, 20:33

https://scontent-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/10612730_10205026847884874_4971662518438173833_n.j pg?oh=1679dcab0fd3761be2ce260b7e66281b&oe=555E2264

jealous?..

unstuck

14th February 2015, 17:51

jealous?..

Nope.:niceone:

One for Ed.........:innocent:

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10985505_10153047553548908_9078609947259780168_n.j pg?oh=2b93755ea11db0e48b8aac7defbb87a1&oe=5589D155&__gda__=1432103466_39401bc868f508d9f4fd2b46fc360c0 e

unstuck

15th February 2015, 08:47

https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10985522_1563648067238603_4162947974103584017_n.jp g?oh=85b4ed4fdf1e056db31fe6a285b218ba&oe=55907365&__gda__=1430874933_0b85503cbb13ccce96e1389f1257ae9 5

Swoop

15th February 2015, 18:57

"I'm sorry but I've had a better offer." I said to a stunning blonde in the bar.

"I ask you to buy me cocktails, take me home in a taxi and fuck me? What could be better than that?" she asked.

"See that fat girl over there?" I said. "She just wants a packet of crisps and lives round the corner."

unstuck

15th February 2015, 20:09

New police cars in Clutha scummy? :innocent:

https://scontent-lax.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/381410_167329666704845_881475253_n.jpg?oh=b9f04f21 5649cc39f575a0a3f633bd20&oe=5551B82B

unstuck

15th February 2015, 20:18

We have new ones in Gore too.:headbang::headbang:

https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/1779931_608914352573733_6048392488822020387_n.jpg? oh=b89732ffc4f6405fcc5db0273eadea45&oe=555332F6&__gda__=1435322571_3f5a72af3a776cefce2e3cc56fb8fa3 6

Swoop

17th February 2015, 07:17

Three women have been arrested for causing a disturbance during the fifty shades film Premiere, in Glasgow.

Police say the woman were very disappointed to find out that the 50 Shades of Grey feature, turned out to be the regional weather forecast for Scotland.

Swoop

17th February 2015, 11:13

A husband and his wife went to the Doctor. The Doctor took the husband in first.

The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

He checked his blood pressure and other things, and finally told him he would see his wife now.

He took her to another cubicle and told her to completely disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed.

He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.

Then he said - OK you can get dressed now, I will talk to your husband.

Then the Doctor went into the other office and told the husband - You can relax. There is nothing wrong with you.

I couldn't get an erection either!!

Banditbandit

17th February 2015, 11:58

Barak Obama and David Cameron are sititing in the coffee shop when in walks John Key.

Key walks up and says "I didn't expect to see you here." He shakes their hands and tells them how excited he is to see them. "What are you two discussing?"

Obama says: "Well, we are planning WWIII - we are going to kill 140 million Muslims and a Blonde with big tits"

"A blonde with big tits? Why are you going to kill a blonde with big tits?" Key asks.

Obama turns to David Cameron and says "See, I told you no-one would care about 140 million Muslims."

Tazz

17th February 2015, 12:46

http://www.stuff.co.nz/the-press/news/66287046/15-police-cars-chase-Nissan-through-Tower-Junction

husaberg

17th February 2015, 16:24

http://www.stuff.co.nz/the-press/news/66287046/15-police-cars-chase-Nissan-through-Tower-Junction

Thats reads like an ad for Tower Junction
mentioned at least 6 times ffs

scumdog

17th February 2015, 16:31

New police cars in Clutha scummy? :innocent:

Nah, our ones have big-arse tyres, bonnet scoop and a loud-as 'zorst system and sit lower than a Gorons mrs knickers....:pinch:

Tazz

17th February 2015, 17:33

Thats reads like an ad for Tower Junction
mentioned at least 6 times ffs

Yep, the standard of journalism these days fits the joke thread as well as the overkill police response.

Ironically it is a competitive industry too.

husaberg

17th February 2015, 18:07

Yep, the standard of journalism these days fits the joke thread as well as the overkill police response.

Ironically it is a competitive industry too.

I wonder if Ngai Tahu own a lot of shares in Fairfax media, hence the free ad

crazyhorse

17th February 2015, 19:25

One day a teacher told her students to draw a train on a railway track for homework. The next day when the teacher started checking everybody's book, she came up to Little Johnny. "Show me the homework," she demanded. Little Johnny showed the teacher his notebook with only a picture of railroad tracks. The teacher asked, "Where is the train?" Little Johnny then replied, "You came late so the train went away."

Akzle

17th February 2015, 19:36

Scuba_Steve

17th February 2015, 19:40

Nah, our ones have big-arse tyres, bonnet scoop and a loud-as 'zorst system and sit lower than a Gorons mrs knickers....:pinch:

Fucking boyracers <_<

gjm

17th February 2015, 23:29

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

Swoop

19th February 2015, 07:44

The money is a nice bonus.

But the real joy in robbing a PostShop is watching the staff move quickly for fucking once.

roogazza

19th February 2015, 17:26

309162309163309164309165

Swoop

20th February 2015, 10:08

Bored of sitting on your hand till its numb to make it feel like someone else is wanking you off?

Then why not try sitting on your knob, to make it feel like you're wanking off someone else.

Alternatively, for the voyeurs amongst you, sit on your hand and your knob, so it feels like watching someone wanking someone else off...

gjm

20th February 2015, 11:55

https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10404874_10203920480357307_8978816873498842668_n.j pg?oh=93f209fc31fe113ba8f746f6bb09a556&oe=554FCBC0&__gda__=1435498687_313fe6c2b064e07ee76fe539deefb72 6

gjm

20th February 2015, 11:56

309162309163309164309165

I used the second one outside a pub I used to run in the UK!

caseye

20th February 2015, 14:56

BAGPIPER

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked
by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a
homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the
service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the bush
down in Gippsland.

As I was not familiar with the bush, I got lost and, being
a typical male, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had
evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were
eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being
late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the
vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do,
so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather
around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no
family or friends. I played like I've never played before for this
homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the
door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw
anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years."

Apparently I was still lost.

unstuck

20th February 2015, 17:34

https://scontent-lax.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/394689_10151722655519298_1545445520_n.jpg?oh=da099 d5b57701f24f50d11b64555445b&oe=55540233

seattle smitty

21st February 2015, 16:21

"Vegetarian" actually derives from an old native American indian word which meant, "no-good hunter."

unstuck

23rd February 2015, 17:57

Three sisters age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks
on wood for good measure. She then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."

Swoop

23rd February 2015, 18:18

Judas: Still on for Friday?

Jesus: Friday?

Judas: Yeah, the Last Supper.

Jesus: The what?

Judas: Supper. Normal supper with the fellas.

YellowDog

23rd February 2015, 21:44

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her scooter and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in..

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
'OK' he said and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt-Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test " again.!!!'

YellowDog

24th February 2015, 06:44

A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman, Mrs. Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.

caspernz

24th February 2015, 08:25

Nurses never laugh.....

"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

...

"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
Smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.. In
Length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came
Out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as
Well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came
Over me. On my honour as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't
Happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room

Swoop

24th February 2015, 09:32

In a statement, ISIS have confirmed that the three missing girls are indeed on the way to join them in Syria.

However, they have laughed at the media for assuming they are travelling to become ISIS Brides.

A spokesman for ISIS said, "How stupid is your western media? Firstly they are too old to be brides, secondly they come from Bethnal Green, so they are actually coming to teach weapons handling".

husaberg

24th February 2015, 17:07

309367................

unstuck

25th February 2015, 08:02

https://scontent-lax.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10156046_815731638440353_114727018_n.jpg?oh=4a4a3e 847457e00eaa1074f6f411d229&oe=5591361C

YellowDog

25th February 2015, 12:36

A Englishman walks into a book shop in Bradford and asks, " Do you have the latest book by UKIP"?
The Pakistani owner looks at him aghast and shouts, " Fuck off and don't come back".
The Englishman replies, yea that’s the one.

roogazza

26th February 2015, 12:18

*PANTIES ON A PLANE!*
Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for The very first time.
The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane.'

Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.

The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some Floe resant orange
panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down And I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'

The third lady says,Well, I aint gonna wear no panties...

What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing no panties cos, honey, dey always look for da black box first'

YellowDog

26th February 2015, 19:03

On average, an New Zealand man hopes to have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese ...

scumdog

26th February 2015, 21:46

mossy1200

27th February 2015, 05:55

slofox

27th February 2015, 11:43

From the inimitable Pam Ayres...

'An Ode to Fifty Shades of Grey'

The missus bought a Paperback
down Shepton, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
...T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

Well I just left her to it,
...At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said...
I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought oh well, what the hell,
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!”

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of Grey.

unstuck

27th February 2015, 12:58

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

YellowDog

27th February 2015, 17:45

Brilliant Irish Text Message

"Mary, I'm just having one more pint with the lads. If I'm not home in 20 minutes, read this message again"

roogazza

1st March 2015, 09:59

309477309479

Swoop

1st March 2015, 21:02

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful!

What's got no teeth and smells?
The gearbox in the wife's car...

My wife walked in on me last night and shouted, " What the hell are you doing with that silver and gold dress?!"
I said, " It's not what it looks like!"

Following the murder of Boris Nemstov in Moscow , Putin has vowed to clean up Russian politics.
He had the entire crime scene pressure washed within 2 hours...

gjm

3rd March 2015, 12:21

I'm not happy.

I paid a carpenter up front to make milady wife and me a new double bed, but he took the money and did a bunk.

Swoop

4th March 2015, 13:35

A horse walks into a bar and the barman asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse, being a horse and thus unable to speak or comprehend the complexities of conversation, does not reply and shits on the floor.

Swoop

5th March 2015, 07:05

Police have revealed the identity of "Jihadi John".

Neighbours in West London have revealed he is actually known as "Paki Pete".

YellowDog

5th March 2015, 08:34

A new army captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert.
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges.That's why we have Molly the Camel.
The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?

''No Sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."

husaberg

5th March 2015, 21:41

.................309663

Edbear

5th March 2015, 22:39

"You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel..."

Swoop

6th March 2015, 07:14

A man joined a Satanic cult and started praying to the dark one. Lo and behold, Satan actually appeared with a big hammer in his hand and asked him to make 3 wishes.

"3 wishes? But I wanted 100."

"No, you can only have 3."

"But I want 100."

"Do you want to ask your 3 wishes, or should I leave?"

So this guy agrees.
His first wish is, "I want you to change this giant hammer into a small wooden stick."
And so it happens.
His second wish is, "I want you to stick this wooden stick up your arse."

No choice left, Satan pushes the stick up his arse with tears flowing down his cheeks. He roars, "Ask your third wish!"

"I want you to grant me my remaining 97 wishes, else I'm going to convert this stick back into the giant hammer..."

Moral of the story: You cannot get anything from the management until you put a hammer up their arse.

unstuck

6th March 2015, 08:25

https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10997693_10154025550051959_912237606717396620_n.jp g?oh=21b5c1589af294a89f14f082e024d038&oe=557224E4&__gda__=1434227636_47f821c25d2d78e8a00f497c4515182 b

Swoop

6th March 2015, 14:57

This American said to me the other day, "you know, it's starting to feel like there are only two countries in the world: America, and The Rest Of The World."

I said, "that's completely true, actually. In fact, The Rest Of The World even has its own flag now. It's exactly the same as the American flag, except it's on fire."

Banditbandit

6th March 2015, 15:59

From a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!

He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.

*He played the sax.

*He smoked weed.

*He had his way with ugly white women

*Even now? Look at him ... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a cheque from the government every month.

caseye

6th March 2015, 18:45

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an escalator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next
door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Steers closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
one.

18. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.

20. A $10.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22."I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going
to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you.
:jerry:

gjm

7th March 2015, 08:41

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/03222/harrison_3222194b.jpg

Reports that the black box recorded "I said up, you stupid hairy bastard" have yet to be confirmed.

YellowDog

8th March 2015, 07:26

A man walks into the Election office, says to the receptionist: "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate.”

The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir Please fill in this form.'' He was filling the form until he came to the question, ''Are you circumcised?''

So he asked the receptionist , "Is that question necessary?"

She replied, "If you are circumcised you are not eligible" ...

He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?

She replied, "To become a politician, you have to be a complete prick.”

Swoop

9th March 2015, 08:28

An Engineer was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000."

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000."
Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

pzkpfw

9th March 2015, 17:01

...

Reports that the black box recorded "I said up, you stupid hairy bastard" have yet to be confirmed.

It crashed cos he was flying backwards?

gjm

9th March 2015, 17:56

It crashed cos he was flying backwards?

Sorry. Must have been Leia trying to park.

Big Dog

9th March 2015, 21:19

Sorry. Must have been Leia trying to park.

More than one of my rides ended up parked sub-optimally because a "princess" wanted to have a go.

Stupid phone / Tapatalk, apologies in advance.

pzkpfw

9th March 2015, 21:50

More than one of my rides ended up parked sub-optimally because a "princess" wanted to have a go.

Back in college a girlfriend insisted on having a go on the 80 cc Vespa me and a mate had bought. Throttle on, forgot how to throttle off. Or brake. Somehow missed the 1.5 m drop off to the footpath. Instead wobbled over to the neighbour's place and parked in a shrub.

I laughed and laughed. She didn't think it was funny.

Big Dog

9th March 2015, 22:22

An ex did that into a fence. On a borrowed bike.

Stupid phone / Tapatalk, apologies in advance.

_Shrek_

10th March 2015, 07:39

One day my housework-challenged Husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' Brisbane Broncos !'

And they say blondes are dumb...

________________________________________

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you.......

_________________________________________

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.. 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors:innocent: would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
____________________________________

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

_________________________________________

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

gjm

10th March 2015, 09:10

Popped into the docs for a check up.

After looking me over and sucking his teeth a bit, the doc says "Try not to eat anything fatty."

So I asked, "Like sausages, burgers, and stuff like that? So other stuff is OK?"

The doc says "No fatty, try not to eat anything."

YellowDog

11th March 2015, 08:32

Two policemen (Constable Ken and Bob) call the station on the radio.

"Hello. Is this the Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

gjm

11th March 2015, 18:02

https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10933696_10152709224674422_5537913002267858705_n.j pg?oh=82f25b8e9620bf37dfda0cab6ab0480e&oe=55BA872F&__gda__=1433605706_736c1b191f90262195f3de025d0f586 c

YellowDog

12th March 2015, 08:50

A policeman in Sydney, Australia, pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic.

He approached the car window and said, "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyser."

The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note.

On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath."

The policeman said, "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample."

The man produced another letter.

This one said: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way."

So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then."

The man produces a third letter from his pocket.

It read: "This man plays Cricket for England, please don't take the piss out of him”

Swoop

13th March 2015, 11:36

I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.

And I'm thinking, "Who the fuck's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"

husaberg

14th March 2015, 14:13

309875309876309877309878

scumdog

14th March 2015, 21:27

An ex did that into a fence. On a borrowed bike.

Stupid phone / Tapatalk, apologies in advance.

I did that on a Phillips Gadabout. Into a hedge

In 1967.

Robbo

15th March 2015, 06:36

I did that on a Phillips Gadabout. Into a hedge

In 1967.

Geeze, I had one of those back when I was in high school. Spent more time peddling it than under motor power when riding it as it was so bloody unreliable. Still lots of fun though in its day.

Laava

15th March 2015, 06:50

Thank fuck for that! I thought he was talking about some old fashioned sex toy!
"Hold still Erma, I'm a puttin in the gadabout!"

roogazza

15th March 2015, 07:50

309905309906309907309908309909309910

Akzle

15th March 2015, 08:16

&c

panda rep!

bjiafp.

Juniper

18th March 2015, 07:25

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila . . . Floor.

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?

4. The main reason that santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.

5. I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help
section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

7. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with
soap?

8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?

9. Is there another word for synonym?

10. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?

12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

14. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
break-in and clean them?

15. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

17. If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?

18. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

19. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow roadsigns?

20. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

21. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

22. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

23. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

24. How is it possible to have a civil war?

25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

26. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "s" in it?

29. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids?"

30. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

31. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

32. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become
disoriented?

33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

34. Why do shops have signs, "guide dogs only," the dogs can't read and
their owners are blind?

Juniper

18th March 2015, 12:21

As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which
nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our
physicians and therapists. And in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school
female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely
drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

Juniper

18th March 2015, 12:25

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid, she bought an air conditioner.”

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothing, my wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new-fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wives put together!
I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no dick.”

Juniper

18th March 2015, 12:28

A downtrodden, browbeaten, ball broken man (Barry) and his bitch of a wife (Stella) went to see a highly regarded clairvoyant in a ritzy Sydney apartment block. After Stella had asked about 50 inane questions, the clairvoyant turned to Barry and said "is there anything you would like to know?" Barry's eyes looked up from the floor and said "yes, will I ever be happy? And when will I die?" The clairvoyant closed his eyes and concentrated for a few seconds then said "good news, you will be happy soon, and you have a long life still ahead of you, at least another 30 years". After the second answer Barry's eyes opened wide, his face went white, and then he jumped up, ran through the open sliding door to the balcony and leapt off. Miraculously a sudden updraft slowed his decent, prior to him landing relatively unscathed on a pile of discarded matresses on the footpath. A little dazed and confused, he looked up to see Stella leaning over the balcony and heard her shrill nasally voice screaming down "don't think you're getting away that easy Baz, you worthless excuse of a man, you've made a fool of yourself and embarressed the shit out of me yet again, you fucking Tool!" Suddenly a massive bolt of lightening came down from the heavens, struck Stella's ugly peroxided head and fried her to a charred dead smokey crisp.

Juniper

18th March 2015, 12:29

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodakio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth.'

Again, no response except from Little Hodakio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult -- Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"

Once again, Hodakio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodakio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper:"F_ _ k the Japs."

"Who said that? --

I want to know right now!? she angrily demanded.

Little Hodakio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?"

Again, Little Hodakio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"

Little Hodakio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"

Little Hodakio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. As-the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're screwed!"

Little Hodakio said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008."

Juniper

18th March 2015, 12:31

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

Juniper

18th March 2015, 12:32

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face,
as his wife moved forwards then backwards,
forward then backward, again and again.
Back and forth, back and forth, in and out,
a little to the right, a little to the left, she could feel
the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts, and
trickling down the small of her back,
she was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding,
her face was flushed, she moaned, softly at first, then began to
groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty
scream and shouted, ………………………….>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"OK, OK, I can't parallel park!
You do it, you smug bastard."

Juniper

18th March 2015, 12:35

There was a terrible mix-up at the hospital. A man who had been scheduled for a vasectomy was instead given a sex-change operation. When told of the mistake, he was understandably distraught.
I'll never be able to experience an erection again," he wailed.
The surgeon tried to console him. "Of course you'll be able to experience an erection - it's just that it will have to be someone else's."

"Will there be any thing else, sir?" asked room service after setting out dinner for two.
"No, thank you. That will be all."
As he turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed.
"Anything for your wife, sir?"
"Yes. Good idea. Bring up a postcard."

After a long night of making love the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman’s nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
She whispers in his ear: "That’s me before the surgery."

There's two kinds of women in the world....
The kind that remembers every perceived
slight and brings it up 4 or 5 years later
(usually at the most inopportune time)
and then..... actually.... I guess there's
only one kind of woman.

I'm bisexual..... I had sex with my wife twice last year.

Peter: "Your secretary is very sexy..."
Tony: "Thanks! It's a robot actually, named 'Maria'. If you squeeze her right boob, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left boob, she types letters! I'll Lend it to you for a day & you can see her functions..."
Next day Peter called Tony from the hospital & shouted: "You bastard!" You didn't tell me that the "HOLE" between Maria's legs is a pencil sharpener.

Juniper

18th March 2015, 12:37

An Australian couple had grown increasingly concerned about the behaviour of their 15 year old son and decided to seek professional help. "Doctor, no matter how hard we try, young Jimmy only seems to like to get drunk two maybe three nights a week. We're tearing our hair out here, what can we do?" The Aussie doctor looked suitably concerned, and put down his beer.

Juniper

18th March 2015, 12:38

Here is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”.
We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom,
and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.

scumdog

21st March 2015, 23:31

panda rep!

bjiafp.

Fuck you and your retarded scrabble set...:tugger:

What an alphabet shuffler...

Scuba_Steve

22nd March 2015, 11:46

https://scontent-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/11045412_344833775713525_145204072713686197_n.jpg? oh=aa487b99c48afd5a045047353c312cc8&oe=55ADEF0C

mossy1200

22nd March 2015, 19:06

Juniper

24th March 2015, 05:45

I was very close yo a threesome last night.

I was only two girls short.

Juniper

24th March 2015, 05:59

So after going without sex for 5 years, I made love to a woman a week ago for an hour and 32 seconds!!!

God bless Day Light Savings Time....

Juniper

24th March 2015, 06:59

Came home from school one day and asked "mom, what is a bitch?". His mom answered "go ask you father." Then Johhny said "mom, what is a slut?". His mom blushed a little and said "that is definitely a question for your father". So Johhny wandered into the living room where his dad was drinking a beer and watching South Park. "Dad, what is a bitch and a slut?". Without hesitation his dad said "your mom". Johnny said "this is so frustrating, I've already asked her?" His dad looked him dead in the eyes and said "who said anything about ask?"

Juniper

24th March 2015, 07:03

" Cheryl,you'll be fine," the doctor said after finishing the young blonde woman's surgery.
But, she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”
The surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye. Cheryl was alarmed.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?”
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine… it's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.

Juniper

24th March 2015, 07:04

On a cruise ship, a German, a Frenchman, an American and a Mexican were all standing on the deck near the rail.

The German takes a bottle of beer out of a case at his feet, opens it and takes a swallow then throws it overboard. When questioned by the others he explains, "I'm from Germany. In Germany we have a lot of beer. We have so much beer I can throw some overboard."

Not to be outdone, the Frenchman takes a bottle of wine, opens it and takes a swallow then throws it overboard. Without waiting to be asked he says, "I'm from France. In France we have a lot of wine. We have so much wine I can throw some overboard."

The American stares at them for a moment then picks up the Mexican and throws him overboard.

Juniper

25th March 2015, 11:44

Woody Allen, Adolf Hitler and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting at a bar.

Adolf turns to Woody and starts screeching "you look like a fucking Jew! Are you one of those despicable sub humans??? If so, I will have you shipped off to one of our Concentration Camps imeadiately, you disgusting leech on mankind!!!

Woody turned to Arnold and says in his usual kind of meek meandering manner "um excuse me Arnie, but do you think you might possibly be able to um kinda help me out a little here? If so I would greatly um you know appreciate that?"

Arnie thought for a moment, then said very matter of factly "I very sorry Woody, but I'm afraid I'm on the fence on this one."

Juniper

25th March 2015, 11:46

A priest, a Rabbi and a Minister had just finished a joint fundraiser and were talking about how much to give to the poor and how much they should keep for themselves

the priest said lets draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air and whatever falls outside the circle we give to the poor and we keep the rest.

the minister said lets draw a circle on the ground and throw the money in the air and whatever falls inside the circle we give to the poor and keep the rest.

the Rabbi said lets draw a circle on the ground throw the money in the air and what god wants he keeps.

roogazza

27th March 2015, 07:20

310252310253310254310255310256310257

Swoop

27th March 2015, 09:30

A bloke sees his ex-wife with her new lover and decides to wind him up so he shouts over "How's the second-hand pussy?"

Quick as a flash, her lover replies "Great! After the first three inches, it's like brand new."

gjm

29th March 2015, 11:33

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you!'

Juniper

30th March 2015, 07:00

Mike was going to be married to Karen
So his Father sat him down for a little chat..

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them
to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big..
I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in This family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have
Never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here,
try these on..!

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large.. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here,
you try on mine !

Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly.
And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

Juniper

30th March 2015, 07:01

A catholic priest, Islamic elder and a rabbi were out fishing one day when the discussion turned to conversions of faith. The priest bragged that there were catholics in every corner of the world. The Islamic reminded him of all the recent new converts, praying to allah for a peaceful global conversion. The Rabbi said " we jews are everywhere and were the first people to walk the earth. We even have jews in china.
The other two scoffed and guffawed until the jew agreed to pay for lunch at his friend fong's restaurant. After being seated the rabbi asked the waiter to ask fong if he knew of any Chinese jews, After quite some time the waiter returned saying " so sorry, we have apple jews, orange jews but no Chinese jews"

Juniper

30th March 2015, 07:02

A professional hypnotist was booked for a senior citizen community and began his show. "Watch the watch, watch the watch," he would say at the opening. One day, during the corny stereotypical "Watch the watch" garbage, he dropped his most prized possession... the solid gold watch his grandfather had left him! It was the last thing he had to remember the kindly old gent. "SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!" the enraged 'tist screamed aloud before thinking better of it. It took weeks to clean up the place. (and he was not invited there again... wonder why?)

Juniper

30th March 2015, 07:03

In an effort to try and avoid more commercial pilots committing suicide / mass murder, The International Pilots Association has henceforth banned all Japanese men from flying commercial airliners. When asked if this move could potentially perceived as rascist, spokesperson Chuck Johnson (son of a WW2 Pacific naval airman) said, "no not at all, it's in the little yellow fuckers blood."

Juniper

30th March 2015, 07:05

A school teacher was explaining to his elementary school students how peoples surnames are often derived from occupations or traits hundreds of years ago. Eg people with the surname Smith would have been a Blacksmith, and Tailor would have made clothes.
Little Suzie then asked the Teacher, so where does your name come from Mr Houndraper?

Juniper

30th March 2015, 07:07

A woman and a man meet eachother in a bar, and quite fast they end up in her bed. They go for the missionary, and everything is fine, until the man suddenly freezes, his eyes looking completely blank.
The women wonders if he already came, but after five seconds he continues as energetic as before. Suddenly he freezes again, his eyes going blank.
What´s happening here, the woman thinks, but then the man continues again. The same thing is repeated once more. Now the woman is too curious and asks him:
-What are you doing?
-Oh, just something I learned on PornTube. It´s called "buffering".

Swoop

30th March 2015, 07:48

150 people died on a Germanwings flight because some selfish little cunt wouldn't open a door.

If only Oscar Pistorius had been on board.

YellowDog

30th March 2015, 09:18

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night. They were called "Bomb Jovi". They were brilliant. Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down. Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD. I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?" Well that was when the trouble started . . . they have no sense of humour!

gjm

30th March 2015, 10:16

What is the warranty on a parachute?
Just because no-one complains doesn't mean they're all perfect...

Swoop

30th March 2015, 16:03

What is the warranty on a parachute?
Just because no-one complains doesn't mean they're all perfect...

Money back guarantee! Just bring it back if faulty.

Robbo

30th March 2015, 16:42

What is the warranty on a parachute?
Just because no-one complains doesn't mean they're all perfect...

Or the parachutes made in Ireland

They open on impact.

nadroj

31st March 2015, 06:11

Bert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing
some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice
anything different about me?"
Margaret, age 75, looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back
into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging
down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert!
Shoulda bought a hat."

gjm

2nd April 2015, 08:43

Mrs M beat me with a throw pillow last night.

I have a concushion.

anebv8

3rd April 2015, 16:00

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts. (and God love that pig!:)

roogazza

4th April 2015, 17:41

310455310456310457310458310459310460

gjm

5th April 2015, 20:06

I've just been to the theatre to see a production about puns.

Turned out it was just a play on words.

Swoop

6th April 2015, 15:15

We went to a Thunderbird's themed fancy dress party last night. I went the whole hog, had the hair dyed, and got a costume to look like Virgil.

My wife just put a green coat on and went as Thunderbird two.

Swoop

6th April 2015, 20:18

I saw on the NEWS that the Large Hadron Collider has been switched back on today.

This time, they will be doing an experiment which has never been done before and the results are being awaited worldwide.

Colliding a Muslim and a bar of soap!

Juniper

7th April 2015, 09:53

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said,

"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though
you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

Juniper

7th April 2015, 13:30

As Jesus is dragging the wooden cross through the streets and the crowd is gathering and cheering Jesus looks up.....and in his loudest voice says...THOSE WITHOUT SIN CAST THE FIRST STONE....

Just then a rock is thrown from the crowd and hit Jesus in the head, Jesus looks up and says....Mom sometimes you really piss me off.

Juniper

7th April 2015, 13:38

Why do guys call girls “cunts”? Why would you insult someone by referring to them as the only thing about them that actually matters to you?!

I mean, when I get mad at my boyfriend, I don’t call him “salary”

YellowDog

8th April 2015, 07:45

I decided to go to the local Mosque for the first time, to see what it was all about.
I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:
"By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today."
I told him I was not paralysed.
He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing.
Once again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the prayers, I stepped outside - and bugger me - my car was gone!

gjm

8th April 2015, 09:55

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Mercedes or BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Juniper

8th April 2015, 09:58

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.

The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 500 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise Rabbi what to do.

They told the Rabbi what was happening. They explained: "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

The Rabbi pondered this for a while and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The people were amazed & dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise Rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?" The Rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

roogazza

8th April 2015, 11:54

310609310610310611310612310613

gjm

8th April 2015, 12:06

https://scontent-lax.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10982263_10152897294133246_1214616163496422449_n.j pg?oh=c14bf439aecfda3769db02af1760f842&oe=55B21F40

Swoop

8th April 2015, 14:39

"You know Dave?" The barman asked me. "The ex-army guy?"
"Yeah. What about him?"
"He took a loaded gun into the local Mosque last night."
"Shit," I said. "Did he kill anyone?"
"No. He was overpowered before he could get a single shot off."
"By the police?"
"Nope. The smell."

jim.cox

8th April 2015, 17:54

https://image-store.slidesharecdn.com/5200f50a-96c2-43b9-ba9f-d745715507f8-original.jpeg

Akzle

8th April 2015, 18:12

https://image-store.slidesharecdn.com/5200f50a-96c2-43b9-ba9f-d745715507f8-original.jpeg

rbjiap .

Juniper

9th April 2015, 09:46

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time..

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . ..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'You just happened to catch my eye'

gjm

9th April 2015, 10:31

Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with a pigeon.

It makes no difference how good or right you are, the bird is going to shit on the board and strut around like it won anyway.

roogazza

9th April 2015, 12:34

A bloke is walking the strip in Vegas when a fantastic looking hooker catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How much do you charge?"

The hooker replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."

The bloke says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy crap, no hand job is worth that kind of money."

The hooker says, "You see that KFC on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?"

"Yes."

"And do you see the Wendy's across the street?"

"Yes."

"Well," said the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own all those, and I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They go to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced

the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow job is $1000."

The hooker says, "No, $1500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over to the window. Do you see those two casinos across the street?

Well, I own those, and I own them because I give blow jobs that are worth every cent of $1500."

The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying a new car

for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than before.

He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us?

All those casinos, with the beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?"

"Damn!" says the guy in awe. "You own the whole city?"

The hooker says, "No. But I would . . . if I had a pussy!"

Swoop

9th April 2015, 13:35

The air stewardess runs from the cockpit shouting "quick can anyone fly a plane, the captain and the co pilot have had a fight leaving them both unconscious." panic ensues until a large guy raises his hand "I can fly this plane" he announces.
"Quick then this way." says the stewardess.
"Not so fast lady, I said I could fly not that I would fly" states the guy.
"But you have to, think of the other passengers." begs the woman.
"If you strip for me, then I would think about it." he calmly states."
The stewardess looks around for support, but finds that the passengers are all shouting for her to strip. so she started to peel away her uniform and stands before him butt naked.
"Hmm " says the guy "cute titties nice bush, now come here and give me a blow job."
"No way" says the stewardess, but the passengers urge her on shouting "suck him you bitch."
So she gives in and gives him a fine blow, then when he has shot his bolt she asks him "Now will you fly the plane?"
"Okay." says the man "but this is the last time I fly with this company." He enters the cockpit steps over the stricken pilots and settles into his seat, he quickly checks out a few instruments then dons the headset "tower, this is flight golf bravo six two niner, requesting permission to take off".

Juniper

9th April 2015, 15:40

When you occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right fuckin number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're a Cunt!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'Cunt' next to it and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a Cunt!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "Cunt" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from BT. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a Cunt!"

One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first Cunt (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover Cunt, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?" "Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street , in Ilford. It's a terraced house and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed."

"Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Steve, you're a Cunt!" Then I hung up and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then one day I came up with an idea. I called Cunt #1.

"Hello?"

"You're a Cunt!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Steve Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"I live at 129 Alice Street , Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Cunt," and hung up.

Then I called Cunt #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, Cunt," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll do what?" I said.

"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.

"Well, Cunt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street, Ilford and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street, Ilford.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street. I got there just in time to watch two Cunts beating the crap out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.

Now I feel MUCH better.

husaberg

9th April 2015, 18:07

An american is in london in a taxi.
He look out of the window, and say's what's that building there.
The taxi driver say's, the bank England.
The american say's back in the states, we have bank's ten time's bigger then that.

A little futher on, the american see london bridge, and say's we have bridge's ten time's bigger than that.

Suddenly the american spy's a buliding, with a lot of people standing outside looking dum, and he say's see that lil hol building there, we have one ten time's bigger than that.
The taxi driver say's I'm not surprised, that's a lunatic asylum.

Juniper

9th April 2015, 22:44

A nun gets on a bus thats empty except for the driver. She says "I'm going to die soon but I want to have sex before I die. Problem is I must remain a virgin so it has to be to ass. I can't commit adultery, so the man must be single.Can you fulfill my wish?" "Yes" says the bus driver and fulfills her wish. Feeling guilty he says "I'm sorry I lied, I'm married with 3 kids." "Thats ok" replied the nun "I lied too." "My name is Kevin and Im going to a fancy dress party.

Juniper

9th April 2015, 22:46

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before Saint Peter at the gate to heaven. St. Peter said to them, "Before you may enter the gates of heaven you have to tell me what Easter is."
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where we all have a big feast and we're thankful." St. Peter said, "NO!" and banished her to Hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where we celebrate Jesus' birth and give each other presents." St. Peter said, "NO!" and banished her to Hell.
The third blonde said, "I know what Easter is." St. Peter said, "Okay then, tell me."
She starts, "Easter is Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross where he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a large boulder."
St. Peter said, "Very good!" The blonde interrupted and added, "Every year the Jews role away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter."

gjm

10th April 2015, 08:35

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/11044500_847153575330689_2303897675047582875_n.jpg ?oh=d1fd9eb8b9c895ebdb23c1f64363f855&oe=55A4A8B7&__gda__=1436718142_b695bf3079c2f931e2da22b34fb1788 8

slofox

10th April 2015, 20:35

Ermmm...nope.

unstuck

11th April 2015, 11:01

Actual entries from hospital charts
1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing be in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

unstuck

11th April 2015, 11:04

"Scientific Jargon"

by Dyrk Schingman, Oregon State University
"After several years of studying and hard work, I have finally learned scientific jargon.”

The following list of phrases and their definitions will help you to understand that mysterious language of science and medicine.

· IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN ... I didn't look up the original reference.

· A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT ...These data are practically meaningless.

· WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS, ... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

· THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY ... The other results didn't make any sense.

· TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN ... This is the prettiest graph.

· THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT ... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

· THE MOST RELIABLE RESULTS ARE OBTAINED BY JONES ... He was my graduate student; his grade depended on this.

· IN MY EXPERINCE ... once

· IN CASE AFTER CASE ... Twice

· IN A SERIES OF CASES ... Thrice

· IT IS BELIEVED THAT ... I think.

· IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT ... A couple of other guys think so too.

· CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE ... Wrong.

· ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS ... Rumour has it.

· A STATISTICALLY ORIENTED PROJETION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS ... A wild guess.

· A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA ... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.

· IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENA OCCURS ... I don't understand it.

· AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES ... They don't understand it either.

· THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSITANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO ANDREA SCHAEFFER FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS ... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Shaeffer explained to me what it meant.

· A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY ... A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

· IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD ... I quit.

husaberg

11th April 2015, 18:40

https://youtu.be/qZG9lBpATxw

https://youtu.be/qZG9lBpATxw

roogazza

13th April 2015, 09:56

-----------------------------
An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's
parking lot. "Lord," he prayed," I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me,
I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot.

Without hesitation, the man said, "Never mind, I found one."
--------------------------------------

roogazza

13th April 2015, 09:59

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork .
Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy says, "In the car."
Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."
--------------------------------------
Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts
in his hand. Paddy says to Mick, "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my
bag, you can have them both"
--------------------------------------
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American
dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the
Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all
back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin',
where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I
could do it first".
--------------------------------------
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
--------------------------------------

Juniper

14th April 2015, 06:41

"How come you can't keep an erection these days?" Asked the wife, after another unsuccessful attempt.

"I'm sorry love, it's not my fault." I told her, "It's the mirror."

"Really?" She said, disbelievingly. "The mirror??"

"Yeah." I replied. "Go and have a look in it.".

Juniper

14th April 2015, 06:48

RODNEY DANGERFIELD

He once said...

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray AFTER the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.

I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.

Juniper

14th April 2015, 06:50

In a new and rather groundbreaking science first, Russian scientists using cloning and gene splicing technologies have managed to create an animal which has the body of a sheep and the head and skin colour of President Obama. The scientists (with reported input from President Putin) have decided to name the new creature Obaba Black Sheep.

Juniper

14th April 2015, 06:54

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so - how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home ... PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook...."