Friday jokes [Archive] - Page 6

crazyhorse

24th January 2012, 13:34

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Julia Gillard.

That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Julia and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Julia batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk!'

Swoop

25th January 2012, 21:11

Typical Italians on that cruise liner. As soon as the side they were on started going down they all ran to the other one!

HenryDorsetCase

26th January 2012, 10:34

a snap from the wedding of the year.

slofox

26th January 2012, 11:38

The latest offering from my "outspoken" mate...

Worried your pension will run short?

So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you -

what do you do?

Senior Health Care Solution:

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets.

You are allowed to shoot 2 MPs and 2 illegal immigrants!

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!

New teeth? - No problem.

Need glasses? - Great.

New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart?

All covered.

(And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now).

And who will be paying for all of this?

The same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home..

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay income tax any more.

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?

Stirts

26th January 2012, 11:45

Senior Health Care Solution:

Where do I sign?

slofox

26th January 2012, 11:56

Where do I sign?

Soon as I find out for meself, I'll let ya know.

Edit: I've emailed the source of that and told him we're lining up to join!

crazyhorse

26th January 2012, 15:40

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.

You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick Willy up from school and go home.

_Shrek_

26th January 2012, 15:46

# How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks

# What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks

# What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain

# When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course."

# So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship.

# I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises. Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.

# The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

# What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?

Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.

slofox

26th January 2012, 16:49

Mully

26th January 2012, 18:13

Under SOPA, you could get 5 years for uploading a Michael Jackson song. One year more than the doctor who killed him.:confused:

And five more years than he got for having sex with all those kids.

:shutup:

munster

27th January 2012, 08:17

George Michael has sympathised with the Captain of the stricken Italian Liner saying

"I'm often left abandoned and lying on my side with a badly damaged bottom and dead seamen inside me after a nights cruising"

MSTRS

27th January 2012, 08:58

I was out walking in the woods when I found a dead woman's body. I phoned the police who came straight out. They asked me how I found the woman's body. I said "Well her tits were okay but the rigor mortis made her arse a bit tight for my liking".

MSTRS

27th January 2012, 09:15

The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37 hours per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy and the lash" so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor". All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this applies equally to women crew members. The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south coast.

The Prime Minister said "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being upgraded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels". His final words were "Britannia waives the rules".

MSTRS

27th January 2012, 09:19

-I was watching the news about the stricken cruise ship when the Sky News presenter said "She's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court". I just happened to glance over at the wife on the sofa and that's when the fight started.

-The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds me of a comment made by Churchill. After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner and some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should choose an Italian ship. "There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship" said Churchill. "First their cuisine is unsurpassed. Second their service is superb. And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first".

-The Italian army has been called in to help with the people from the grounded cruise ship but they have now swapped sides and declared war on the survivors.

-Wife: "Can I drive?" Husband: "No, I'm fine". Wife: "Oh please let me, I really want to". Husband: "NO!" Wife: "Tell you what, if you let me drive just for a bit, when we get home I'll give you a blowjob". Husband: "Really??" Wife: "Promise!" Husband: "Oh, go on then". "...and that, your Honour, is the final entry from the black box on the cruise ship Costa Concordia"

-What's the difference between and Italian Cruise Liner and a Goat? The crew will go down on a goat.

-When the captain of the ill-fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going, he replied "off course".

-Costa Concordia - the only cruise liner where the sauna is cold but the pool is at 90 degrees.

-The captain of the Costa Concordia says he is not guilty of manslaughter and has witnesses to prove he was nowhere near the passengers who died.

-The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

-News reports say the stricken Costa Concordia first listed to the left, then to the right. Bloody Italians... even their ships don't know which side to be on.

-Italian Police are still interviewing the Chinese Honeymoon couple found on the Costa Concordia as to the whereabouts of the rescue dog that first found them.

-Italian divers searching the stricken cruise ship have found two Scotsmen at the bar. They've told the divers to piss off, as all drinks are included in the fare.

-Costa Concordia - where you are guaranteed to get your drink on the rocks.

-Now I know it's nearly the 100th anniversary of Titanic and all that, but aren't the Italians going a bit far with their tribute?

-Attention passengers, this is your captain. We of Carnival Cruise Lines Costa Concordia welcome you to Italy. If you look out the port side now you'll see the beautiful Tuscan sky, and to our starboard, you'll see the old Italian navy.

-So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock... more than can be said for his ship.

-Man phones the model shop and asks have you got a model of the Costa Concordia. "Yes sir, we have one left". That's very good. can you put it on one side for me please?"

Stirts

27th January 2012, 10:31

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?” asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.

The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's cock."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP -- the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold the club in your hands...."

Smifffy

27th January 2012, 14:47

Couldn't have been his wife, must have been his girlfriend.

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?” asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.

The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's cock."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP -- the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold the club in your hands...."

nathanwhite

28th January 2012, 20:33

I took a taxi today and the driver told me
"I love this job, I have my own business, I'm my own boss, NO ONE tells me what to do."

I replied "turn left here"

Swoop

29th January 2012, 13:54

"Remember Son, it's two points for a yellow, four for a brown and a black is worth seven! You lose four points if a white goes down"

I fucking love taking my boy out on drive-by shootings in south Auckland.

1billyboy

29th January 2012, 19:28

Swoop

30th January 2012, 15:22

If lesbians hate men so much they should stop looking like them.
You don't see Jews dressing up like Nazis.

I was arrested the other day.
Apparently following a Muslim in a Burka while dressed as Robin and saying, "What's the plan, Batman?" is a crime now.

crazyhorse

2nd February 2012, 07:25

Why Parents Drink
A father passing by his son's bedroom was
astonished to see that his bed was nicely made
and everything was picked up. Then he saw
an Envelope, propped up prominently on the
pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition
he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the
letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and
sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a
scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so
nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact
that she is much older than I am. But it' s not
only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many
more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people
that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS
so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of
myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you
can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true I'm over at
Tommy's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse
things in life than a Report card That's in
my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home

Swoop

2nd February 2012, 07:48

Before sex, you help each other get naked.

After sex, you only dress yourself.

Moral of the story: in life, no one helps you once you're fucked.

Swoop

3rd February 2012, 08:12

Democracy: Where any two idiots outvote a genius.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons.
They forgot to mention morons.

The third rule of Fight Club is to have fun and try your best!

Swoop

3rd February 2012, 08:15

"Johnny," says the teacher, "what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"

"He takes a shit, Sir," says Johnny.

"Oh," says the teacher, "and what does your father do for a living?"

"He's a bricklayer" says Johnny.

The teacher thinks, hmm, working class, what else can you expect?

"Bobby," says the teacher, "what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"

"He takes a shit, Sir," says Bobby.

"Hmm," says the teacher, "and what does your father do for a living?"

"He's a joiner," says Johnny.

The teacher sees this as confirming his suspicions about the lack of linguistic skills among working class children.

"Freddy," he says. "What does your father do for a living?"

"He's a lawyer, Sir" says Freddy.

"And what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"

"He reads The National Business Review, Sir," says Freddy.

"Interesting," says the teacher, "and how much time does he spend reading the paper?"

"Not long," says Freddy, "just until he's finished taking a shit."

MSTRS

3rd February 2012, 08:27

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff". "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked. "I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other wanker using my stuff". She looked at me and said "What makes you think I'd marry another wanker?"

crazyhorse

3rd February 2012, 18:38

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young blonde lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'

'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural.

I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid.

I have a 28 inch waist.

Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered ....

'Outside,.... when you said you.......heard someone coming.......that was me......'

Maha

3rd February 2012, 19:35

:laugh:....http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php/146493-H-b-a-d-v-e-n-c-h-u-r-b-r-o-s

Stirts

7th February 2012, 08:54

Fabrizio
256935

Rossi
256936

Biaggi
256937

Schettino
256938

Usarka

7th February 2012, 14:26

From the UK news:

Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford killing anyone who's English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.

slofox

7th February 2012, 15:03

hahaha...

256969

Swoop

9th February 2012, 07:04

Roses are tits,
Violets are tits,
I like tits,
Tits, tits, tits!

Laava

9th February 2012, 15:14

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

Laava

9th February 2012, 15:18

After an amazing hot 69er with his girlfriend, Paul remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he
brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times and on top of that, gargled 2 litres of Listerine.

As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 5 strong mints.

His turn came up and the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident and relaxed he opened his mouth wide.
The dentist got in close and said, "Man! Did you have a 69er before you came here?"

Paul, shocked says, "Does my breath smell like pussy?"

The dentist says, "No, your forehead has a skidmark!"

Laava

9th February 2012, 15:20

A bloke goes into WINZ in Whangarei and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologists' Assistant. "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind the desk. The WINZ Assistant sorts through her files and replies. "Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist."
"You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.."
"There's a starting annual salary of $85,000, but you're going to have to go to Kaitaia ". "Oh, Is that where the job is?" he asks. "No," replied the assistant, "that's the end of the queue."

Laava

9th February 2012, 15:28

Margaret and Bert, moved to the Australian outback.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?

'Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled,'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?''Nope,' she replied.'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!

Without changing her expression,Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat!!'

Laava

9th February 2012, 15:30

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson who arrived late came up to Grandma and said ....'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson......

'Bastards won't let me fart'.

Swoop

13th February 2012, 07:27

Houston, we have a problem...

Whitney Houston to star in her new film. "The Bodybag".

Whitney Houston won an impressive six Grammys in fourteen years.
Slightly less impressive was her recent attempt at six grams in fourteen minutes.

Doctor Conrad Murray is currently solidifying his alibi.

If she wasn't before, Whitney Houston is definitely 100% soul now.

Whitney Houston: Born 1963 - Dead.
Amy Winehouse: Born 1983 - Dead.
Keith Richards: Born 1943 - Alive.
Ozzy Osbourne: Born 1948 - Alive.

Moral of the story: Women can't handle their drugs.

Well Whitney, that's one way to kick start your album sales...

Whitney Houston died just hours after being asked to be a judge on the next season of X-Factor.
Personally I think she made the right decision.

A full day of Whitney Houston on MTV.
I don't know who is in hell, me or her!

257537

slofox

14th February 2012, 10:32

The wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that "help" get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live. Can you help?

slofox

14th February 2012, 10:35

Proof that men have not evolved much...judging by the look on his face.

257540

Swoop

15th February 2012, 07:19

My wife called me yesterday.

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

The sofa was quite comfortable last night.

darkone

15th February 2012, 20:10

What's 6 inches long and didn't get blown this valentines ?

Whitneys crack pipe

KiWiP

15th February 2012, 21:50

Little Robert comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said little Robert.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

Shadows

15th February 2012, 22:12

I got fired from my job as a bingo caller last night.

It seems that "a meal for two with a terrible view" is not an acceptable way to announce the number 69.

slofox

16th February 2012, 10:07

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Beehive matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk...seems I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage...

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards. All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake - some of us have got homes to go to!'

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what do you feel like for dinner my love ...... chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, ' chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Auckland.

jim.cox

16th February 2012, 10:16

Grammar – The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

slofox

16th February 2012, 10:18

Grammar – The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

Or the difference between "Helping your Uncle Jack off his horse" and "Helping your uncle jack off his horse"...

Maha

16th February 2012, 11:32

Or the difference between "Helping you Uncle Jack off his horse" and "Helping your uncle jack off his horse"...

...and, how can you cut down a tree then cut it up? :confused:

slofox

16th February 2012, 12:26

...and, how can you cut down a tree then cut it up? :confused:

Erm...with a chainsaw? That's how I did it last time...

Maha

16th February 2012, 13:08

Erm...with a chainsaw? That's how I did it last time...

Physically we know how its done, literally it does not make sense to those where English is a second lanuage.

MSTRS

16th February 2012, 13:11

Physically we know how its done, literally it does not make sense to those where English is a second lanuage.

'to whom' ...
The BDOTGNZA understand that proper grammar is also difficult for those to whom English is their first language.
:innocent:

Maha

16th February 2012, 13:24

'to whom' ...
The BDOTGNZA understand that proper grammar is also difficult for those to whom English is their first language.
:innocent:

The 'Bum Dicks Of Tiresome Gratuitous New Zealandering Asphyxiation' can eat poo....:laugh:

I think that on this occassion, my previous sentence is correct, grammatically. :yes:

''literally it does not make sense to those, where English is a second lanuage''.

36% in school C english fuck yeah!...:Punk:

slofox

16th February 2012, 13:44

Physically we know how its done, literally it does not make sense to those where English is a second lanuage.

I was deliberately obfuscating, Maha. But I'm pretty sure you knew that too, eh.

MSTRS

16th February 2012, 14:06

The 'Bum Dicks Of Tiresome Gratuitous New Zealandering Asphyxiation' can eat poo....:laugh:

I think that on this occassion, my previous sentence is correct, grammatically. :yes:

''literally it does not make sense to those, where English is a second lanuage''.

36% in school C english fuck yeah!...:Punk:

'For whom' may also be acceptable. You see - English is not totally rigid.:laugh:

FF redlines a lot of words in your post. I'll see your 36% SC and raise you 62% UE. <_<

And - damnit - I hate the "have to spread etc". Your post deserves a great, big snot-coloured bling. :killingme

Maha

16th February 2012, 14:12

I was deliberately obfuscating, Maha. But I'm pretty sure you knew that too, eh.

What you do in privacy of your office is none of my business..:laugh:

crazyhorse

16th February 2012, 17:20

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'

Juzz976

17th February 2012, 21:56

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

MSTRS

18th February 2012, 15:48

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat watching the front door of the brothel over the road. The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside. "Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman. "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside. "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door. "Ah, now dat's sad" says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died."

Swoop

22nd February 2012, 07:02

If all the dinosaurs had had a wide vocabulary, maybe they would have survived like the Thesaurus.

Swoop

23rd February 2012, 06:59

Getting your helmet wet, getting some gash or just going head first into a ladies bush, however you want to put it.

Falling off your bike just isn't fun.

slofox

23rd February 2012, 09:35

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

The next day, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .

'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as 'Best come-back line ever.'

crazyhorse

23rd February 2012, 16:04

LATE NIGHT CALL TO THE VET

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look
after her neighbours male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs
apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful
howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs
locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so
frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although
it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then
call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his
erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," he replied.

crazyhorse

23rd February 2012, 16:06

The grade six science teacher, Mrs. Barker, asked her class, 'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking grade sixers a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!'
Mrs. Barker ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?'
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'
Mrs. Barker said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued. 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed

MSTRS

24th February 2012, 07:43

Just rang the radio station to win an all-expenses paid holiday in Melbourne next November, all I had to do was answer one question: "Name the race that stops the nation?"
"That's easy" I said "Maoris!" They hung up on me.

MSTRS

24th February 2012, 07:58

Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the very first time.

The first lady said "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane". "Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked.

The first replied "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first".

The second lady said: "Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some floe resant orange panties".

"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked. The second lady answered "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first".

The third lady says "Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties". "What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief. The third lady says "Dat's right girlfriends, you hear me right! I ain't wearing no panties cos, honey, dey always look for da Black Box first".

Stirts

24th February 2012, 10:18

What is the difference between a wicker basket and a wicker box? A wicker basket is what little red riding hood took to grandma's house. A wicker box is what Elmer Fudd did to little red riding hood.

Stirts

24th February 2012, 13:14

What does the IRD and an Ostrich got in common?

They can both stick their bills up their arse.

misterO

24th February 2012, 18:19

"The 710 cap" she said. The mechanic on the other end of the phone asked, you want a what? This customer had rung to request a replacement 710 cap as she'd misplaced it while fiddling with the engine of her car. The mechanic had never heard of a 710 cap, so he asked her to bring the car in for a look. She did, and he popped the bonnet for an inspection. At a glance he noticed that the OIL cap was missing. There, she said pointing- the 710 cap.

MSTRS

25th February 2012, 08:35

A little girl and her mum were walking in the park one day, when the little girl suddenly bent down, grabbed something off the ground and was about to put it in her mouth...
"Stop!" said the mother
"Why?" said the girl
"Because it's dirty"
"How do you know?"
"Because mummies know everything"
"Really?"
"Yep. We have to pass a special parent test to prove it, before we are allowed to be mummies"
.
.
.
"So that means whoever fail the test get to be daddies?"

Swoop

27th February 2012, 07:38

"It's a boy!"

I shouted, as I ran from the Thai brothel.

Swoop

28th February 2012, 07:23

How many teenage girls does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eleven. One to change the lightbulb and ten to each take 200 photos of it for Facebook.:facepalm:

slofox

29th February 2012, 13:03

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST
COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE
RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything that you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty, and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell!'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

MSTRS

1st March 2012, 09:01

During a flood in a small town, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy. As they sat watching articles float by in the water, they noticed an old hat go past. Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back. They watched as it did this a number of times". Do you see that hat?" said the girl in amazement. "First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and then it comes back again". "Oh it isn't that amazing, it's only my dad," replied the boy. "This morning my Mum said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today".

Swoop

1st March 2012, 10:02

Saying "whoever smelt it dealt it" doesn't work when it comes to airport sniffer dogs.:sweatdrop:(

nodrog

1st March 2012, 11:29

http://www.tshirthell.com/shirts/products/a1429/a1429.gif

Swoop

2nd March 2012, 06:55

I've just heard on the radio that the leader of the Monkees has died,

R.I.P. Nelson Mandela.

Putting this in the jokes section so that the KB bleeding hearts who cannot recognise a joke might detect a hint that this is, in fact, a joke...

MSTRS

2nd March 2012, 07:32

My mate just called me from Thailand and told me that he'd had his first ladyboy experience. I said "Sorry?" He said "I was having a beer in a bar and we got chatting. She looked like a lady, she walked like a lady and she spoke like a lady". "So how did you know she wasn't a lady?" I asked. "When we drove back to the hotel and 'she' reversed the car into the parking space on the first attempt, I knew I'd fucked up".

Bounce001

2nd March 2012, 08:02

A woman answers the phone and the pervert on the other end, breathing heavily asks "Do you have a tight, hairy cunt?" She replies, "Yes, he's watching tv. Do you want to speak to him?"

Stirts

2nd March 2012, 10:39

Twitter, Facebook and Youtube are all becoming one big social networking site called YouTwitFace.

KiWiP

6th March 2012, 20:54

A man has a check up at the doctors and listens intently to the doctors summary

"Well it's bad news I'm afraid you've got Alzheimers and cancer."

"Is that all?" asks the man

"What do you mean is that all?" says the confused medic

"Well I just thank the lord I don't have cancer!"

Swoop

7th March 2012, 07:09

The American porn industry needs to realize that a 42 year old woman in pigtails and knee high socks isn't "Barely Legal". :rolleyes:

nathanwhite

7th March 2012, 12:21

No idea if this has been posted before...

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,
Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At
the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang
out with anyone you want to in heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then
Said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
Introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so
You were the one who invented the
Harley-Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in
inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and
pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally
spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, " Ah, yes."
"Well ," said Arthur, "professional to professional , you have some
major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,"
Replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed
in a few words and waited for the results. The
computer printed out a slip of paper and God
Read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers,
more men are riding my invention than yours."

MSTRS

7th March 2012, 14:01

A bloke goes into a pub, and being one of those types that fancies himself with the ladies, he spies a likely conquest at the bar by herself. Needless to say, our cocky young friend dusts off his best pickup line and heads over to her...
"I see you have a ladder in your pantihose. Or is it a stairway to heaven?" he asks
She replies "It's definitely a stairway to heaven. But I've already got a cunt at the top, so you can fuck off"

crazyhorse

7th March 2012, 14:16

A Maori boy asks his dad, "Dad, what's democracy?"
"Well, son, that's when whites work and we get all the benefits from
it!"
"But dad, aren't the white people pissed off about it?"
"Sure they are, but that's called 'racism'"

crazyhorse

7th March 2012, 14:18

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.

Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... Naturally, (since he was her husband.)

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.

He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

- "Did you dance much ?"

- "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

MSTRS

9th March 2012, 11:39

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary. "Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she said "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with". "That's fair enough" I replied "When can you start?"

MSTRS

9th March 2012, 11:46

While visiting the United Kingdom, Winnie Mandela was invited to a cocktail party which was also to be attended by Margaret Thatcher. When Winnie saw the ex-prime minister on the other side of the room she barged past everyone, spilling the drinks of several invited guests on the way.

Winnie elbowed her way to Maggie, stood brazenly in front of her and declared "I hear they call you the Iron Lady!" "I have been referred to by that name, yes" replied Maggie, peering down her nose at this impudent upstart. "And whom, may I enquire, do I have the honour of addressing?" asked Maggie icily.

"I am the iron lady of South Africa!" bragged Winnie, waving her fist in the air. "Oh, yes?" replied Maggie dryly. "And for whom do you iron?"

Swoop

9th March 2012, 14:05

I had one of those horrible moments this morning when I confused my wife's hair removal cream with the toothpaste.

Mind you, my legs have never smelled so minty.

Stirts

10th March 2012, 10:15

Joseph Kony has taken thousands of children away from their parents in Africa

Madonna and Angelina Jolie are said to be outraged at the news claiming they "had first dibs"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joseph Kony.
Putting the 'infant' back in infantry

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BREAKING NEWS:
Joseph Kony tops the Forbes' rich list...
He moved to NZ and claimed child benefit.

Swoop

10th March 2012, 18:53

People are gonna go nuts when they realise Kony 2012 is just a viral marketing campaign for a new Playstation 3 game coming out in April.

It's okay everyone! We arrested Kony in the early ours of this morning! However we had to chuck him over the side of the boat, but rest assured, He's definitely dead. Trust us!
-Barack Obama

Swoop

12th March 2012, 07:24

The Catholic church has stepped up it's efforts to ban same sex marriage to help protect the meaning of "true matramony".

But apparently same sex relations with children is still perfectly acceptable.

crazyhorse

13th March 2012, 06:44

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men....are men!

Swoop

13th March 2012, 07:39

As the nurse delivered our baby, I told my wife:

"Wow, she's absolutely stunning."

My wife looked confused as she held the newborn baby in her arms.

She said, "Allan, it's a he, not a she..."

I replied, "what do you mean? Have you seen the tits on that nurse?"

I burned myself whilst ironing the other day and I didn't even end up wearing what I was ironing.

Well, that's irony.<_<

Swoop

14th March 2012, 11:08

Joseph Kony -

Making Joseph Fritzl look like a good baby sitter since 2012.

I am a huge fan of underground music. Amy Winehouse, Whitney Houston, Michael jackson...... :blip:

Today is International Women's Day.
It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

Stirts

15th March 2012, 10:52

Today is Steak & Blowjob Day

Equality for both men and women, because they both deserve a mouth full of meat.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Steak & Blowjob day today.

It's Bangers and Gash Day tomorrow.

Swoop

15th March 2012, 13:12

Steak and Blowjob day is a bit too adventurous and unrealistic for me. Pot Noodle and a WankDay is much more likely.

Stirts

15th March 2012, 13:47

Steak and Blowjob day is a bit too adventurous and unrealistic for me. Pot Noodle and a WankDay is much more likely.

1 man 1 noodle pot

crazyhorse

15th March 2012, 16:34

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old

Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the

way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in

the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing', he would go

there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.

So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the

mirror..

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's

running' around with.'

Shadows

15th March 2012, 19:07

Steak and Blowjob day is a bit too adventurous and unrealistic for me. Pot Noodle and a WankDay is much more likely.

Fucking LOL

YellowDog

15th March 2012, 21:45

An Arab enters a taxi..........

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidels and certainly no radio ........

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.
The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?”
The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.
So get out and wait for a camel.”

YellowDog

16th March 2012, 04:30

After 40 years of marriage..

A married couple in their early 60's are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...

The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:

Men who are ungrateful b*tards should remember fairies are female.....

__________________________________________________ ____________________________________________
Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: I'm 92..... H*ll, I'm telling everybody!'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those sneaky little b*stards!'..
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'
___________________________________

crazyhorse

16th March 2012, 07:05

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Beehive matches his little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

MSTRS

16th March 2012, 07:41

An elderly man goes into his doctor's office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live". "But Doctor" Bill replied "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?" After a moment the doctor said "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day". Excitedly Bill asked "And that will cure me?" "No" replied the doctor "but it will get you used to the dirt".

--

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, having a snack and reading a magazine. "Hi Darling" he says "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Is that okay?"

--

Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a 'man about town' so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.
Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said "Oh Pedro, what is that?" Pedro being very quick thinking said "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these" and then proceeded to show her what it was for. Maria was happy.
The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.
"Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too".
Thinking fast, Pedro said "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only OTHER man in the world with one of those".
Maria accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night. Pedro went off to work, again, the next morning and, when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.
Pedro said "Maria, what is the matter now?" "Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!"

--

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man says "Yes, I am". The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man's wife. The guy says "Sure" and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says "I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck". The guy replies "Oh I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook".

--

There are three guys on a cargo plane. When suddenly the pilot came back and said "The planes going down and we gotta get off this bird but there are only two parachutes for the three of you ". With time quickly running out the pilot decided that these three guys -a white guy, Spanish guy and a black guy-had to answer one question each and whoever answered correctly would be given a parachute. The white guy was first. Pilot: "Can you tell me what is one of biggest accidents in history? White guy: "Uh um... the Titanic?" Pilot: "Correct!" Next the Spanish guy. Pilot: "Can you tell me how many people died in this Titanic disaster?" Spaniard: "Eh uh... one thousand aah... five hundred and... and seventeen...?" Pilot: "Correct!" Now the black guy was asked a question. Pilot: "What were their names?"

FJRider

16th March 2012, 11:51

IS SEX WORK ???

An RNZAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group
Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and
he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much
of it was "pleasure?"
A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.
A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure,
depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal
who was in charge of making the coffee.
What was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to
be 100% pleasure."
The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have
me doing it for them."

YellowDog

16th March 2012, 15:53

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgae, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home pished, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that.

When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.

Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

She says: "Doctor that was a effin brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home pished, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!

Tell me Doc....wha's the secret?

How's the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret.

The water does bugger all

It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

Swoop

18th March 2012, 13:24

My wife always has a headache so I've started taking a tablet to bed with me.

It's got all of the porn I need on it!:woohoo:

slofox

21st March 2012, 10:19

Scrabble...

Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.

P N E S I

People who wrote SPINE became doctors... The rest are all my friends...

slofox

21st March 2012, 10:21

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fenc e and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know...

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, "This is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is."

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

5150

21st March 2012, 10:40

My wife always has a headache so I've started taking a tablet to bed with me.

It's got all of the porn I need on it!:woohoo:

Next time she has a headache sprincle some crashed Panadol tablets on yer pecker and then say, thats ok honey, I got some Panadol, you can take it orally or as sepository (analy) :laugh:

Stirts

21st March 2012, 10:57

Next time she has a headache sprincle some crashed Panadol tablets on yer pecker and then say, thats ok honey, I got some Panadol, you can take it orally or as sepository (analy) :laugh:

Anal sex:
It's not for pussies.

Stirts

21st March 2012, 11:11

Sing a song of anal sex, an asshole full of cum, 4 times 20 penises going up your bum, when the orgies over your ass begins to sting wasn't it a silly thing to take it up the ring!

Swoop

22nd March 2012, 11:11

24 hours into this seige in Toulouse and still no sign of surrender. Must be some sort of record for the French.

EDIT: He didn't surrender at all! No wonder he had to be killed.

Swoop

23rd March 2012, 06:54

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

That's why people with no sense of humor have an increased sense of self-importance.

Swoop

23rd March 2012, 06:55

As the bearded man in robes handed Harry Potter his magic wand, Harry regretted transferring to a catholic school.

MSTRS

23rd March 2012, 07:42

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honour and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin.

Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match".

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin.

About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods "I found It!" The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma:

Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it, or do you keep your mouth shut?

MSTRS

23rd March 2012, 07:52

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans including a southerner a New Englander, and a Californian, an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 to 53 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d' "but you can't come in here without a Thai".

crazyhorse

23rd March 2012, 14:43

Kevin and the light

Getting older is a lot harder than it looks!

POOF, THE LIGHT GOES OFF !

A 65-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal
so the doctor says, "Kevin, everything looks great. How are you doing
mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Kevin replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes
off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Kevin's ex wife. "Mrs.
Tanner," he says, "Kevin is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm
in
awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the
night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done,
poof! the light goes off?"

"OH bloody hell!" Mrs. Tanner exclaims,
"HE'S PISSED IN THE FRIDGE AGAIN!"

The Singing Chef

23rd March 2012, 19:47

A Policeman pulls a maori over for having a dog on the front seat of his car.

As the Policeman approached the vehicle, he notices the maori smacking the dog over the head.

The Policeman asked him why he was hitting the dog.

The maori replies, "The little bugger’s just eaten my registration sticker."

crazyhorse

24th March 2012, 06:34

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

YellowDog

24th March 2012, 14:05

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob and I've always loved the results, but now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits."

She said, "Not lot of point asking about the beard then..........."

Swoop

27th March 2012, 07:14

I was just standing around, doing nothing, when I got arrested for impersonating a police officer.

Swoop

27th March 2012, 11:05

A Sub has reached Earth's deepest place.

Plans for a Big Mac to climb Mount Everest have already begun!

nathanwhite

28th March 2012, 17:33

A man walks into a catholic church somewhat downcast. He approaches the Priest and asks

"Father, my dog died yesterday. Could you perform a funeral for him? he was like a son to me."

The Priest replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for animals in the church. However there is an islamic church two blocks down. God knows what they believe in, maybe they will do something for your dog.

The man looks even more downcast but says "Thank you Father, I'll go there right away. Do you think $5000 is enough to donate to them for the service?

"Mother of God!" the Priest exclaims "Sir, why didn't you tell me your dog was orthodox?"

Swoop

29th March 2012, 11:24

A Pakistani goes into an Army recruitment office.

"Can I help you?" asks the sergeant, with his eyebrows raised.

"I'd like to join up, mate. You can't stop me or it's racism!"

"I see.." replies the wily old Sarge, looking at his vacancy sheet. "Well we do have an opening in the catering corps. All the British Army loves a curry, eh?"

"You can't put me there, that's stereotyping!"

"Ok.. what about a Quartermaster's private? We all needs goods and supplies while we're fighting the enemy."

"So you're putting me in a shop? More stereotyping and racism! I want to do something of equal standing to white blokes."

The sergeant, increasingly pissed off now, flips a page on his sheet.

"Right. I suppose you want to drive an armoured personnel carrier? Something like that?"

"Yeah! That's sounds good. What is it?"

"Sort of like a taxi."

mashman

30th March 2012, 10:01

It has been announced that the police are going to be
allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting in some
Persil to stop the coloureds running.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier
in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind
ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical thieves and
arsonists. The vast majority are drug dealers and rapists.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Ngogo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water,
7 miles every day for food and 10 miles every day for medicine for him
and his family. This is because the idiot and all his mates torched
the Peckham Spar, Tottenham KFC and Hackney Medical Centre and now he
has to walk to Croydon for his breakfast.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Riots in Wythenshawe last month caused over £1 million worth
of improvements.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford , killing anyone
who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her
eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red
spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
----------------------------------------------------------------
They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in
Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and
London .. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the
doctor away." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that
a bacon sandwich works a treat!

Swoop

30th March 2012, 11:21

I recently agreed to appear in a documentary about the techniques I've learnt during my career as a porn star but I pulled out at the last minute.

_Shrek_

30th March 2012, 17:15

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi '..

$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

YellowDog

30th March 2012, 19:51

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked
to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband,
Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to
piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, " thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that
with time, his scrotum should recover completely."All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say,
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith."The entire congregation held its
breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Ocean1

30th March 2012, 19:56

... Serialised.

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I’m supposed to be working.

2. My proper military title is “Specialist Schwarz” not “Princess Anastasia”.

3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

4. Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.

7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don’t like to War Criminal posters.

9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.

11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.

12. Not allowed to join any militia.

13. Not allowed to form any militia.

14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.

15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”

16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”.

17. God may not contradict any of my orders.

18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.

19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I’m right.

20. Must not taunt the French any more.

21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.

22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”.

23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they’ve been smoking crack.

24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it’s true.

25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.

26. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your ass in World War 2!”

27. Don’t tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).

28. Don’t take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).

29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.

30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.

31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I’m off to meet my maker”)

36. Can’t have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn’t over).

37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.

38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”.

39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

Ocean1

31st March 2012, 16:45

40. I do not have super-powers.

41. “Keep on Trucking” is *not* a psychological warfare message.

42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind’s baser instincts in recruitment posters.

43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

44. I am not the atheist chaplain.

45. I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy’s little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies”.

46. I am not authorized to fire officers.

47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.

48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.

49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.

50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.

51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations.

52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range.

53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range.

54. “Napalm sticks to kids” is *not* a motivational phrase.

55. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does *not* involve fruit.

56. An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.

57. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we’ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.

60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.

61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.

62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.

63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.

64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.

65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

66. There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Bosnia.

67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”.

69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.

70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.

71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.

72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.

73. No military functions are to be performed “Skyclad”.

74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.

75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.

76. “Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around” is *not* a cadence.

77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them “You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for.”

78. I may not call block my chain of command.

YellowDog

1st April 2012, 08:33

In the middle of an international gynaecology conference, an English and a French gynaecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated.

French Gynaecologist : "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me, and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon."

English Gynaecologist : "Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big, my good man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it was."

French Gynaecologist : "Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always talkeeng about ze size... I was talkeeng about ze flavour..."

Hinny

1st April 2012, 16:40

Why did the chicken cross the hemispheres?
To be more understood as a cliché.

Ocean1

2nd April 2012, 21:09

79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.

80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.

81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.

82. May not form any press gangs.

83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with “I recently had an experience I just had to write you about….”

84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.

85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.

86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the “field of honor”.

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”.

89. Must not refer to the Commander as “Dad”.

90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.

91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate.

93. Nerve gas is not funny.

94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

96. “Redneck Zombies” is not a military training aid.

97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.

98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not “Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.”

99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.

100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.

101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.

102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are “casualties of war”.

103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.

104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.

105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.

106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.

107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.

108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.

109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.

110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.

111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.

112. When saluting a “leg” officer, an appropriate greeting is not “Airborne leads the wa- oh…sorry sir”.

113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from “Full Monty” every time I hear the song “Hot Stuff”.

114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.

115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.

116. Crucifying mice – bad idea.

117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.

118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires – therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.

119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.

120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.

Swoop

3rd April 2012, 09:05

As an optimist I always see the good in every situation.

Unlike the wife, who got upset when I told her the chemo will clear up her moustache.

nathanwhite

3rd April 2012, 13:12

A blond policewoman pulls over a blonde driver for failing to stop. She approaches the car and in her best police voice asks, " You didn't stop at that stop sign, May I see you license?"
The blonde replies, "sure, just gimme a sec to get it out of my handbag. What does it look like again?"
The policewoman rolls her eyes but bears with it, "it's small, rectangular in shape and has your picture on it."
"Here we go!" exclaims the blonde and hands over a pocket mirror. The policewoman looks a little surprised at seeing but but hand it back and says,
"My apologies, I didn't realize you were a policewoman too."

crazyhorse

3rd April 2012, 18:16

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

Ocean1

3rd April 2012, 18:41

121. I should not use government resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines.

122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.

123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.

124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.

128. “Shpadoinkle” is not a real word.

129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.

130. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.

131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.

132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.

133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.

134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.

135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.

136. Shouting “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!” while out on a mission is bad.

137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.

138. Even if my commander did it.

139. Must not teach interpreters how to make “MRE” bombs.

140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.

141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.

142. “Calvin-Ball” is not authorized PT.

143. I do not need to keep a “range card” by my window.

144. “K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free” is not an authorized uniform.

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.

148. Putting red “Mike and Ike’s” ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.

149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.

150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.

151. The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can’t prove a thing!”

152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.

153. I should not assign new privates to “guard the flight line”.

154. Shouldn’t treat “piss-bottles” with extra-strength icy hot.

155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.

156. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform.

157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.

158. The revolution is not now.

159. When detained by MP’s, I do not have a right to a strip search.

160. No part of the military uniform is edible.

5150

3rd April 2012, 19:09

What do women and prawns have in common?

They both have shit in their heads, but the pink bits taste great

Swoop

4th April 2012, 07:53

Why do people never admit to being just the right amount of whelmed?

Swoop

4th April 2012, 14:54

I've never run with the bulls in Spain.

But I was outside the door of Contours gym when the fire alarm went off once.

Swoop

5th April 2012, 14:13

An Irish guy walks into a shop:

"Hi, can I get a can of Guinness please?"

"You're Irish, aren't you?"

"What's wrong with you? Is it the case that if I ask for some pasta it makes me Italian?"

"No."

"And if I ask for Couscous, does that make me Moroccan?"

"No sir."

"So what gives you the right to ask stupid questions?"

"Sir, we're a carpet store."

Ocean1

8th April 2012, 22:11

161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.

162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.

163. Take that hat off.

164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.

165. I do not get “that time of month”.

166. No, the pants are not optional.

167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

169. Not even if they *are* “especially patriotic films”

170. Not allowed to “defect” to OPFOR during training missions.

171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General’s helicopter.

172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.

173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.

174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it’s actually DOD policy).

175. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.

176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.

177. I am not to refer to a formation as “the boxy rectangle thingie”.

178. I am not “A lesbian trapped in a man’s body”.

179. On Army documents, my race is not “Other”.

180. Nor is it “Secretariat, in the third”.

181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.

182. There is no FM for “wall-to-wall counseling”.

183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®

184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something “I saw in a cartoon”.

185. My name is not a killing word.

186. I am not the Emperor of anything.

187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.

188. May not challenge officers to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”.

189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.

190. Must not make s’mores while on guard duty.

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

192. The proper response to a briefing is not “That’s what you think”.

193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.

194. Shouldn’t take incriminating photos of my chain of command.

195. Shouldn’t use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.

196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.

197. I am not allowed to sing “Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68 ever again.

198. Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions.

199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.

200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.

201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the “Safety Dance” and the “Safety Briefing” are never to be combined.

203. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.

204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an “Easter Desecration.”

205. Don’t write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. (“Broken clutch pedal”, “Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs”, “flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged”)

206. Not allowed to get shot.

207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)

208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are “hearing conversations” from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.

209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism…this was the same dinner.)

210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing “Eat Pork or Die” in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

211. Don’t ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.

212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don’t have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.

213. Do not convince NCO’s that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.

Swoop

10th April 2012, 08:50

I'm really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.

Swoop

11th April 2012, 09:25

I was stood at the bar last night when an overweight girl came over:

"Hey stud, got a name?" she purred.

"Dave" I said, "but everyone calls me cake"

"Wow, nice nickname. Is that 'cos you're so sweet?" she giggled.

"No" I said, "it's 'cos when I'm out, every fat cunt tries to get their hands on me."

Swoop

12th April 2012, 08:38

I've been sleeping with this bloke's wife and today he sent me this text:

"You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!"

To which I replied:

"8 out of 10, I'll requires an apostrophe and a capital I."

Stirts

12th April 2012, 13:06

Little Johnny is sitting in class when he shouts out, "Miss, I need to take a piss."

The teacher, horrified, turns around and says, "Now Johnny, the correct term is urinate. If you use this in your sentence you may go."

"You're an eight Miss, but if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten" said Little Johnny.

Swoop

13th April 2012, 11:45

I'll never forget giving Noel Gallagher his first guitar. He said to me, "What's that knob at the front for?"

I said, "It's Liam, he's the lead singer".

YellowDog

13th April 2012, 14:48

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:
"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:
"Pour some luke warm water over it, dumbass."

Wife texts back:
"Computer completely fucked now, shit for brains."

MSTRS

13th April 2012, 15:43

A pregnant women nearing full term goes to the doctor for a check-up.
After an examination the doctor asks "Mrs Anderson do you want the good news or the bad news?"
Clutching her swollen belly she says "The bad news of course, doctor".
The doctor replies "Your baby is a red head".
The lady smiles and falls back into her chair with relief. "That's alright... my husband has red hair. What's the good news?"
"The baby is dead".

MSTRS

13th April 2012, 15:51

DEAR ABBY... a couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

DEAR ABBY... what can I do about all the sex, nudity, foul language and violence on My VCR?

DEAR ABBY... I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

DEAR ABBY... I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

DEAR ABBY... I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

DEAR ABBY... our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

DEAR ABBY... I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

DEAR ABBY... my forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

DEAR ABBY... I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

DEAR ABBY... my mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

DEAR ABBY... you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

DEAR ABBY... I've been married for six years and have five kids. No twins. My husband still wants to have sex every night and sometimes in the morning too. I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he says that is his hobby.

DEAR ABBY... will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor?

DEAR ABBY... do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.

DEAR ABBY... my mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

DEAR ABBY... I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief petting officer.

DEAR ABBY... this is the second marriage for both of us. And when my husband said "I will" he knew damn well he couldn't.

YellowDog

13th April 2012, 16:17

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money..

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

nathanwhite

13th April 2012, 16:41

A man walks into a pub. He looks up at the Menu and see's

Cheeseburger: $4.00
Hotdog: $1.50
Handjob: $10.00

Under the menu there were three exceptionally attractive blondes. "Can I help you?" one of them asked.

"You sure can" he replied. "I was wondering, are you the one that gives the handjobs?"
"I certainly am" She purred back.

"Well wash your hands, because I want two cheeseburgers."

Zedder

13th April 2012, 16:56

Everyone agreed and got on well on Kiwi Biker today.

Smifffy

13th April 2012, 17:33

Everyone agreed and got on well on Kiwi Biker today.
Hey asshole! This is the joke thread not the fairy tale thread. :lol:

YellowDog

14th April 2012, 14:55

A bloke sat in his armchair and shouts to his wife,

"when i die i'm going to leave everything to you, love!"

she shouts back, "you already do you lazy bastard!!"

Swoop

14th April 2012, 17:59

My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette's suffering girlfriend for years now. I always wondered what kept them together.

Then I saw the swear jar...

Swoop

16th April 2012, 08:08

When James Bond is out of his home country of England, is he known as +44 07?

Stirts

16th April 2012, 12:23

Did you know that your 'optic' nerve is connected to your 'anal' nerve?

Don't believe me?

Then pull a hair out of your arse and see if your eyes water.

c4.

16th April 2012, 17:38

Did you know that your 'optic' nerve is connected to your 'anal' nerve?

Don't believe me?

Then pull a hair out of your arse and see if your eyes water.

Reminds me of the gay rabbit that went straight because he got sick of pulling hares out of his arse:pinch:

Stirts

17th April 2012, 10:21

Reminds me of the gay rabbit that went straight because he got sick of pulling hares out of his arse:pinch:

Best magician i ever saw - swallowed a white rabbit and pulled a brown hare out of his arse.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Aero: now with more bubbles.

Or, in other words, less fucking chocolate.

Zedder

17th April 2012, 10:49

Best magician i ever saw - swallowed a white rabbit and pulled a brown hare out of his arse.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Aero: now with more bubbles.

Or, in other words, less fucking chocolate.

Aero = Laughing at consumers.

Or the rabbit which washed his thing and couldn't do a hare with it.

yachtie10

17th April 2012, 21:45

Yesterday I was at my local warehouse buying a large bag of Purina dog
chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out
line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? And so since Im retired and
have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a
dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably
shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that
I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way
that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete so it
works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here
that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a
poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

Swoop

18th April 2012, 20:51

How the Internet was invented.

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

Swoop

19th April 2012, 08:17

I don't know why I even bother having a smartphone anymore.

It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a landline.

MSTRS

20th April 2012, 15:51

A well-dressed man went into a bar and ordered a double whiskey. He stood there sipping his drink when another man came up and said "Is that you Pete??" Pete said "My name is Pete, but I don't think I know you". The second man said "You do, it's me, Martin we used to work at the same factory together before it closed down".

Pete said "Now I remember you, but what happened to you? You are in scruffy clothes. We got good redundancy money when we finished. What happened, Martin??" Martin said "I blew it all on cars women and drink. I'm totally broke now, but look at you Pete, all in the best clothes and I've seen your posh car outside. How did you do it??"

Pete said "Well I wanted to make my money work for me. So I thought if you have some money, London is the best place to do that. I bought a three story house. On the first floor there was ordinary sex - just men and woman. On the second floor homo sex you know men shagging men, and on the third floor paedophile sex for them who like shagging children. I must say I made a fortune. Mind you it was hard work... just me, the wife and the kids".

Swoop

24th April 2012, 08:18

I've had to start drug testing all of my employees.

Just so I know who I can buy stuff off in the future.

jimichelle

24th April 2012, 09:20

goes home every night and headbutts his wife at 730 on the dot!

Swoop

26th April 2012, 09:34

I was taking a piss up against the wall last night when a copper tapped me on the shoulder.
"What do you think you are doing?" he asked.

Fuck me, he's not going to pass his Sergeants exam, is he?:rolleyes:

ac3_snow

26th April 2012, 21:26

I was taking a piss up against the wall last night when a copper tapped me on the shoulder.

"thats against the law" said the copper,

"No, it's against the wall"

Stirts

27th April 2012, 11:26

While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be
found in all corners of the world.

And then She smiled and made the earth round.

crazyhorse

27th April 2012, 15:39

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
Their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Vi gra in
His son's medicine cabinet, he asked
About using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should
Take one Dad; they're very strong
And very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10. A pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to
Try one, and before we leave in the
Morning, I'll put the money
Under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found
$110 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told
You each pill was
$10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The
Hundred is from
Grandma!"

Swoop

29th April 2012, 12:47

Every workplace is required by law to employ at least one individual who is spectacularly irritating. That's an incontrovertible (made-up) fact.

Whether you're a decorator or a litigator, probably even if you're an alligator, there's someone around to tax your nerves and, through bullying or back-stabbing or micromanaging, drain your will to live.

I have a name for these people, but it's quite long and contains profanities that haven't even been invented yet. Al Bernstein, a Portland, Ore.-based clinical psychologist, has a considerably better name: emotional vampires.

"They are everywhere," Bernstein said.

The good doctor first published "Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry" more than a decade ago. He has an updated version coming out soon and is working on a new book that focuses on workplace vampires, the living dead who haunt our days.

Behind many of these faux-fanged fools, Bernstein said, there is likely some form of personality disorder.

"When we talk, we try and represent what the actual truth is or what's going on inside," he said. "But people with personality disorders are always trying to elicit an effect. They're always thinking, 'What will it take to get you to do what I want you to do?'"

Crafty vampires.

While tales of glamorous bloodsuckers are all the rage, forget everything you've read, as most companies have a policy against splashing annoying co-workers with holy water. To combat office-dwelling emotional vampires, you need to know your enemies.

"You have to know how they act and how to protect yourself from them," Bernstein said. "The whole idea in dealing with emotional vampires is if you just respond emotionally to what they're doing, you're toast."

Here are common workplace vampires:

Antisocial vampires: The simplest and most dangerous kind, they fall into two categories: bullies and con artists. The bullies are always itching for a fight. And Bernstein said the con artists "create an alternate reality, like a stage hypnotist. They're good at figuring out what it is you want to hear; they'll make promises and lure you into doing exactly what they want because they seem so nice."

Histrionic vampires: These are often very peppy and positive, yet unwilling to listen to any form of criticism. "The kind of bosses who think attitude is everything," Bernstein said. "If you complain about anything, you have a bad attitude. They think this is the greatest company in the world and we're No. 1 in everything, and anyone who says different, there's a problem with that person." They gravitate toward people who agree with them and shun those who speak their minds.

Narcissistic vampires: These can be people who never actually accomplish anything, yet are legends in their own minds, or actual superstars who do whatever it takes to accomplish their goals. A quick example would be corporate leaders who make huge cuts in staff while granting themselves big bonuses. "The attitude is, 'It's OK for me to use other people because they're not as important as I am,'" Bernstein said.

Obsessive-compulsive vampires: These are the micromanagers and control freaks who drain us dry. They're driven by fear of making a mistake. The worst thing you can tell them is, "It's not a big deal." To them, everything is a big deal.

Recognize anyone?

Once you identify a workplace vampire, learn how to drive a metaphorical stake through its heart.

"Everything these emotional vampires do follows a pattern," Bernstein said. "For example, when somebody is yelling at you, what they expect is that you'll either fight back or run away. What you need to do is recognize the pattern and step out of it, do the unexpected. Say, 'Give me a minute to stop and think.' It completely breaks the rhythm. To further step out of the pattern, ask questions that require the vampire to stop and think. Ask, 'What would you like me to do?' When you ask someone that, and they have to stop and think, you're a step closer to negotiation. You haven't done what's expected; they can't follow their pattern because you haven't followed it."

With a con artist, you first have to recognize and not buy into their cajoling. Ask yourself, "What does this person actually want from me?" And then make a rational decision whether you want to do the vampire's bidding.

With histrionics, sadly, you must learn to speak their language.

"When you ask a histrionic something, never imply that they're doing anything wrong," Bernstein said. "You want to get them thinking. The only way you can do that is by asking them questions that will lead in the direction you want to go. They've got to discover it for themselves."

Narcissists can never be trusted. Unless you have an agreement in writing, it's unlikely they'll ever do anything to help you unless it benefits them.

Obsessive-compulsive vampires just need lots of care and feeding.

"Do what it takes to reassure them," Bernstein said. "Take notes when they give you their incessant lectures. Give them more progress reports than they could possibly need. That will keep them thinking, 'Oh, he's taking this seriously, I don't need to worry about him. I'll go bother somebody else.'"

The big question I had after my vampire-hunter boot camp was, "Does the battle ever end?"

Sadly, it does not.

"Typically, these people are not going to change," Bernstein said. "All you can do is be aware of what they're like, and never assume they think like you do."

So keep your eyes peeled and your neck protected... and maybe carry a crucifix.

FJRider

29th April 2012, 15:21

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals, and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honour and hit your ball a modest 250 yards to the middle of the fairway. Leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about 10 feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!" The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma:

Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?

Swoop

30th April 2012, 11:27

I fucked this woman last night and finished all over her face: "You dirty bastard" she moaned, "you could have given me some warning."

"Sorry love, I'm a bus driver" I said. "I don't give any indication when I'm pulling out."

Swoop

1st May 2012, 09:26

My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right fucking idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.

NEWS.
An Australian businessman has drawn up plans to rebuild an exact copy of The Titanic and hopes for a launch date in 2016.

In related news: Al Qaeda are currently trying to work out how to fly an iceberg.

What do you get if you turn a blonde upside down?
A brunette with bad breath.

FJRider

1st May 2012, 21:09

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist .... The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While Doing so he asked her...
'Do you know what I am doing?'

'Yes,' she replied .... 'You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities.'

'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?'
he asked.

'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'

'Correct,' replied the doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked ... 'Do you know what I am doing now?'

'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting syphilis. Which is why I came
here in the first place.'

Stirts

2nd May 2012, 12:44

A midget goes to the gynecologist and says, "Doc I have an itchy cunt."

The doctor burst out laughing and removed the midgets ugg boots.

Swoop

3rd May 2012, 14:12

Laava

3rd May 2012, 17:41

http://squareone-learning.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/deja_vu_sign.jpg

YellowDog

4th May 2012, 19:23

http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb93/andwend/chirades.jpg
_______________________________________

YellowDog

5th May 2012, 05:01

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .
The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

'Your house!'

:killingme:

crazyhorse

5th May 2012, 15:10

FIVE OLD LADIES
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.

Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back... wide eyed and white as ghosts..

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... twenty-two kilometers an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."

crazyhorse

6th May 2012, 09:34

Sisters - Ann, Jan and Fanny.

Once there were 3 sisters - Ann, Jan and Fanny. All 3 had big feet.
Ann was a size 9, Jan was a size 10 and Fanny was a size 13.

Ann and Jan went on a double date.

Amazed, one of the boys said, "God, you two have big feet."

Ann replied, "You think they're big, you should see our Fanny's, they're massive...

Swoop

8th May 2012, 08:13

This morning the French people are waking up to a new President.

Meanwhile, Carla Bruni's waking up next to an unemployed French midget.

I give it six months.

slofox

8th May 2012, 11:22

A Kiwi Muslim was caught having sex with a sheep today.

He said it was 'is lamb and he could do what he bloody well wanted with it.

Swoop

10th May 2012, 16:47

This is a story of a 16 year-old boy from Hampshire, England who won the World's Shortest Essay competition.
He was awarded a scholarship at the University of Harvard for his imagination and humour.... Here's an example of absolute brilliance......

Shortest Essay:

An English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:

1) Religion

2) Royalty

3) Physical Disability

4) Racism

5) Homosexuality

The prize-winner wrote:

'My God,' cried the Queen, 'That one-legged nigger is a poof'.

Swoop

11th May 2012, 07:52

Scotland where.........

Corned beef: deaf (deef)

Cooncil juice: water

Cooncil curtains: boarded-up windows

Salisbury Crag: heroin (skag)

Shan: unfair (current use)

Dingie: to deliberately ignore someone

Ned: coarse, uncultivated

Numpty: stupid person, idiot

Spraff: to talk at length

Cooncil telly: Freeview TV

Ginger: fizzy drink

Gadgie: bloke, man

"Alright baw bag" is a customary greeting

"Thingy" means absolutely anything
...
"Fuck off" means really

"Moan then" is an invitation to battle

"Hunners" means 1,2 or 3

"12 degrees" means summer

"Ma bit" means your house

"Bawhair" is a recognised unit of measurement

"Where u fae" determines if your getting a dooin or not

"Fuck it" is the solution to all problems

"Ahh ya bastard" means ouch I just hurt myself

"Swear doon" means I promise

"N wit" stands as a valid come back

"Aboot a hunner year ago" means last week

"Hawl u" means I demand your immediate attention

"Ye gem" means want to have sex with me

"Get yer rat oot" is an invitation to sexual intercourse

"Bullet" is an appropriate name for a dog

"How diz naw grab ye" is a valid response

"Patsy cline" is not a singer

"Mad man" means normal person

"Poke" means finger sex

"Here" means excuse me

"Pure" is an adjective for every noun

"Yer maw" is a comeback for anything

Scotland where they speak fluent sarcasm

Scotland where getting mwi is a hobbie

Scotland where u get stabbed for wearing chinos

Scotland where boak means-thats discusting

Scotland where get a fuckin grip means behave

Scotland where geeze that means can I have that

Scotland where Bolt means go away

Scotland where everybudys yer cusin

Scotland where you get the jail even although ye wur only havin a laugh

Scotland where "chappy's" a sport

Scotland where verbal abuse is "banter"

Scotland where anyone younger than u is 12

Scotland where you learn to spark a fag before u can count

Scotland where head is more than just a body part

Scotland where going to the shop before 10 is a mission

Scotland where sexual harassment is considered as flirting

Jakey: an alcoholic, tramp.

unstuck

11th May 2012, 07:59

So in Scotland I would be a....Numpty Ned Gadgie. Awesome.:Punk:

Swoop

14th May 2012, 08:41

Eric is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
"That desk is going for $4000," says the shopkeeper.
"$4000 for an old desk? That's outrageous!" exclaims Eric.
"Ah," says the shopkeeper, "but this is a magic desk." He turns to the desk and asks, "Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?"
The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four dollar coins there.
"Wow, that's pretty cool," says Eric. "Alright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?"
At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop.
"Damn, where did she get all that from?" asks Eric.
The desk's legs slide apart and its drawers fall down.

Swoop

16th May 2012, 11:11

I love fucking with the minds of the foreign tech support guys.

"My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."

Swoop

17th May 2012, 11:30

As I knocked back drink after drink the concerned barmaid asked, "Are you okay, sir?"

"My son would have been two today..." I sobbed.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she replied. "Do you mind if I ask what happened?"

"He was born a day late," I replied. "Now I've got to go to his stinking birthday party tomorrow instead of going riding with the lads."

5150

17th May 2012, 11:43

Turtle walks into the popo station to lay a complaint about being robbed by a gang of snails.
"Did you see what they looked like?" asked the constable.
"No, it all happened so quickly:no:" replied the turtle

YellowDog

17th May 2012, 16:24

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday afternoon."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home yesterday afternoon."

MSTRS

17th May 2012, 17:34

3 couples go camping. But they only have 2 tents. So they decide to have the women in 1, and the men in the other.
1 bloke wakes in the night and nudges the fella next to him, "I'm going next door to shag me missus. I've got a raging hard-on - biggest I've ever had and I don't want to waste it."
"I'd better come with you then" says his mate "cos that's my cock you've got a hold of".

Laava

20th May 2012, 21:36

A Queensland couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row..

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING AT THAT...

Swoop

21st May 2012, 08:19

In my spare time I like to dress up as an old fashioned knight, and jump over 20 parked cars on a horse.
I call myself Medieval Knievel.:scooter:

I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night.
I really need to stop drinking on duty.

263901

Swoop

24th May 2012, 12:44

The inventor of the television remote control has died at the age of 96.

Have they tried turning his batteries around and smacking him against the coffee table?

Stirts

24th May 2012, 12:53

If you can’t afford a Doctor, go to an airport – you’ll get a free x-ray, and a breast exam.
And; if you mention Al Qaeda, you’ll get a free colonoscopy

KiWiP

24th May 2012, 19:51

A magician walks down the street and turns into a bar.

<changed for 'obvious' reasons>

MSTRS

25th May 2012, 09:06

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them. Mom said : "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies". Susie said "I know they do... that's why I hide them in my backpack!"

Swoop

25th May 2012, 12:16

To see if people really react badly to Burqa wearers, my wife, who is a journalist, decided to wear one for a week, and gauge the reactions.

On the first day, she was spat on, slapped in the face, threatened with death, and yelled at.
And she hasn't even left the house yet.

5150

25th May 2012, 13:39

I took my girlfriend to a pub the other day. While there I got called pedafile and a pervert. Yes, she is 20, and I am 50, but there was no need for the abuse. It totally ruined our 10th anniversary :facepalm:

5150

25th May 2012, 13:42

Johnny came from school and told his dad that he got kicked out from school for letting a girl give him a hand job. His father said " Thats a third school you got kicked out of, any more and pretty soon they will not let you work as a teacher

FJRider

25th May 2012, 14:12

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained,

"We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesborough, Essex, Glasgow and Australia stated that they would be unaffected, as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise!!!

munster

25th May 2012, 18:41

A Catholic Priest is badly hurt in a car accident and is rushed to hospital. On the way to Theatre he opens his eyes and asks The Orderly "Am I in heavan"

The Orderly replies "No you sick fuck, we're just taking a short cut through the childrens ward!"

YellowDog

25th May 2012, 19:56

Former President Bush and VP Cheney are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?'

Bush says, 'We're planning WW III.'
The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Cheney says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one beautiful blonde with big tits.'

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits…why? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Cheney turns to Bush and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims

:lol:

crazyhorse

26th May 2012, 06:54

After a busy day he settled down in his train from Waterloo for a nap as far as his destination at Winchester , when the chap sitting near him hauled out his mobile and started up:- "Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6..30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc. This was still going on at Wimbledon , when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,
"Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!"

Swoop

28th May 2012, 09:00

I was sitting in the tattoo parlour earlier when a butterfly flew past with a picture of a slag on its wing.

slofox

28th May 2012, 11:12

A Lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Swoop

1st June 2012, 08:06

*Lord Horatio Nelson ... history brought up to date.*

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' What gobbledygook is this, for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England" past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled." /

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir.”

Nelson: "In that case ... Kiss me, Hardy."

MSTRS

1st June 2012, 08:51

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, the paperwork's already done"

Swoop

1st June 2012, 15:03

My boss called me today and said, "Where the hell are you?"

I said, "I'm relaxing in the garden with my mate Dave. I'm already on my fourth can of lager."

"I don't fucking believe you!" he shouted.

"Hang on," I said, holding the phone away from me. "Dave, isn't this my fourth can?"

Swoop

1st June 2012, 17:00

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of guys saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a pair of sexist gits! I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the blooming thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in a local village
During the past 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Swoop

5th June 2012, 08:31

Baldrick: "What I want to know, Sir, is, before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used, and now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use, and what I want to know is: how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs."

Blackadder: "Baldrick, do you mean: how did the Euro start?"

Baldrick: "Yes, Sir."

Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980s there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France, Belgium, Holland and Germany, and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain, Greece, Ireland, Italy and Portugal. They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises."

Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it, Sir?"

Blackadder: "That's right, Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan."

Baldrick: "What was that then, Sir?"

Blackadder: "It was bollocks."

<G>

7th June 2012, 14:52

True or false?

Swoop

11th June 2012, 10:55

As I sat down in the pub with my pint, I put my Nokia 3310 on the table in front of me. My mate immediately burst out laughing and put his iPhone next to mine. I gave it a disdainful look.

"Why don't you get a better phone, mate?" he asked.

"I don't need one." I replied. "My phone does everything that I need and it's better than yours."

He burst out laughing again. "Better than mine?" he roared. "Mine has 3G, Wi-Fi, the iMessage service, a best-in-class browser, five megapixel camera, access to the App Store for virtually unlimited customisation plus a built-in iPod for all my music. If yours is better than mine, I'll give you my phone."

"I don't want your phone." I said, "Mine's the best, why would I want a second-best, second-hand phone? I tell you what, though, if I can prove that mine is better than yours, how about you give me the cash equivalent of your phone?"

"You're on!" he crowed. "Show me something with your phone and I'll show you how mine is better."

Casually, I knocked my phone off the table.

jim.cox

11th June 2012, 11:07

Have you noticed that it is only with cellphones and laptops that blokes brag "mine's smaller than yours"

Stirts

14th June 2012, 08:34

264999

265000

265002

265003

265004

265005

Swoop

14th June 2012, 12:20

So they want to make a "United States of Europe" to save the Euro, with Germany in charge.

What a brilliant plan! Why did nobody think of that before?

Swoop

15th June 2012, 13:38

I really hope we get an England Germany final in the Euros this year...

Then again, Team USA will probably turn up in the last 5 minutes, tap one in and try and take credit for the whole thing.

What do you call a married female hippo?

Hippopotamussus.

Stirts

15th June 2012, 14:07

The Greek have history in this tournament, and Italy are always a threat, but Spain are clearly looking like the favourites at this point.

The award for European's Most Skint Country is going to be really tight this year.

My vagina is starting to look like something out of that movie "Aliens"

It also mostly comes at night, mostly...

People claim to be into recycling, but watch their faces as you rinse out a condom.

5150

15th June 2012, 15:35

Why do men do all the thinking and women do all the bithching around and complaining?

Well, men have two heads, and women have two sets of lips, thats why :shutup:

5150

15th June 2012, 15:37

Q. What's worse then chauvinistic male pig?

A. Woman that doesn't do what she is told.

Stirts

15th June 2012, 15:49

How does every sexist joke start?

By making sure you're out of earshot of the kitchen.

5150

15th June 2012, 15:53

How does every sexist joke start?

By making sure you're out of earshot of the kitchen.

Yup, and if you are heard, just take her back to the kitchen and shorten the chain :facepalm:

Laava

15th June 2012, 21:29

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.." He thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales."

He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.. She said, "I sell tampons".

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."

MSTRS

17th June 2012, 13:06

A husband was sitting in his backyard looking rather sad. His neighbour called over the fence to ask what the problem was.
"I fell for one of those crazy questions women ask" said the husband. "Now I'm in the doghouse".
"What kind of question?" asked the neighbour.
My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly".
"That's easy. You just say 'Of course I will'"
"Yeah" sighed the husband "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was 'Of course I do.'"

Swoop

19th June 2012, 08:11

I was explaining to my class of foreign students the dangers of using homophones.
"Remember kids, they're called iPhones".

What's thick, white and comes in your burger?
McDonald's staff.

The first rule of bible club is, ALWAYS talk about bible club.:facepalm:

5150

21st June 2012, 15:20

If your wife f&@ks you up the arse with a dildo, does that make you gay?

5150

21st June 2012, 16:31

Harley Davidson Short Jokes

Q: What does HOG stand for?
A: Heavyset Old Geezers

Q: Why did they decide to call it the "Harley Owners Group?"
A: Because the term "Special Ed" was already taken.

Q: Why are Harley's some of the safest bikes on the road?
A: You can't go fast enough to hurt yourself....

Q: Did you hear about the harley rider that broke his arm while playing golf?
A: He fell off the ball washer!

Q: What do you call a Harley that doesn't leak oil?
A: Empty!

Q: What do you call ten Harley owners lined up ear to ear?
A: Wind tunnel.

Q: Why did the Harley owner cross the road?
A: He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.

Q: Why did the Harley owner couple decide to have only 4 children?
A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.

Q: How do you tell which is the Groom at a Harley owner wedding?
A: He's the one with the CLEAN mechanic’s shirt.

Q: How do you stop a Harley owner on horseback?
A: Unplug the carousel.

Q: What do you do if a Hell's Angel throws a hand-grenade at you?
A: Take the pin out and throw it back.

Q: What do you do if a Hell's Angel throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.

Q: How do you get a Harley owner out of the bath tub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap and get out of the way.

Q: How do you break a Harley owner’s finger?
A: Kick him in the ass.

Q: What's the smallest room in the world?
A: The Harley Davidson Hall of Fame.

Q: Why do Harley owner dogs have flat noses?
A: From chasing parked cars.

Q: How do you confuse a Harley owner?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to piss in the corner.

Q: What do you get when you have 32 Harley owners in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Q: How do you tell if a Harley rider has had sex?
A: His middle finger is clean.

Q: What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover vacuum cleaner?
A: The Harley has room for two dirtbags on board.

Q: How is a Harley Davidson like a Porcupine?
A: Both have pricks on their back.

Q: How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
A: They both like to ride in the back of pickup trucks.

Q: What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and an old dog?
A: The dog can get in the back of the pickup by itself.

Q: A Harley owner and a NASCAR fan get in a fight, who wins?
A: Everyone else!

Q: What's the happiest day in a Harley rider's life?
A: When they discover that they can use Right Guard under their left arm.

Q: What do you have when you put 10,000 Harley Davidson motorcycles on the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: Where do you put money to hide it from a harley rider?
A: In the bathroom...under the soap.

Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a Harley funeral.
A: Garbage cans only have two handles!

Q: What is the most common accessory for Harleys'?
A: A pick-up truck.

Q: What do Harleys and hemorrhoids have in common?
A: Sooner or later every asshole gets one!

Q: Why do harley riders never ride faster than 50mph?
A: Any faster and they can't see where the parts fell off.

Q: Why do harley riders chrome all their parts?
A: It makes them easier to spot on the side of the road.

Did you hear about the Harley owner who put Odor Eaters in his new riding boots?
Two days later, he disappeared.

Harley Davidson Bar Jokes

Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein arrives at a dinner party. He introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man answers, "189."
"That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The lady answers, "143."
"That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man answers, "58."
Albert's face lights up as he exclaims, "So you're the one who rides the Harley parked out front!"

God & Arthur Davidson

The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,"Since you've been such a good man and your Motorcycles have changed the world,your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women?
"God said, "Ah, yes. "
"Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention."
God was somewhat taken back, and when He asked what the flaws might be, Arthur Davidson produced a list for Him to read.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there and it may be true that My invention is flawed... " God said to Arthur.
"But the last time that I checked, more men are riding My invention than yours."

The Dishes

A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike, the dealer asks if he would like some extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he does not have the extra money, and is now afraid that the chrome will rust as soon as it gets wet. The dealer tells him not to worry. There is an old biker trick that will keep the chrome like new. All he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains - and everything will be fine. The young man happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointment time, he picks her up on his new Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family. And no one says a word.......
Next he decides to take a more direct approach, so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And no one says a word.....
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. Yet no one says a word.....
By now he is getting very worried and is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his new Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

And the father says "Never mind! I'll do the dishes!"

nathanwhite

23rd June 2012, 10:29

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy and frankly you've been a disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more then a two bit paper pusher. Yes I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked "Mrs Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied "Why yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone anymore, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

Swoop

25th June 2012, 09:46

I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."
"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."

That spider never knew what fucking hit it.

Stirts

25th June 2012, 12:47

Apparently "50 Shades of Grey" is the first book in history where there is no need for it's readers to lick their fingers to turn the pages.

Swoop

26th June 2012, 08:26

Venus Williams has blamed her first round exit at Wimbledon to the balls not bouncing correctly.

May I suggest for her to try some better fitting underwear?

5150

26th June 2012, 13:45

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon head for the beach.

They notice a gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers" she says as she strolls by.

The men are stunned. How does she know they are clergy? Later that day, they buy even wilder attire consisting of surfer shorts, tie dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses.

The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blond, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them and says, "Good morning Fathers."

"Just a minute young lady.", says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"

The blonde replies, "Don't you recognize me? I'm sister Katherine from the convent."

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.

"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

MSTRS

26th June 2012, 14:49

Seen on the side of a Masterfoods truck - Practice safe eating. Use condiments.

5150

26th June 2012, 15:57

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please." The engineer takes the ticket that accountants gave and gets back into their restroom.