Friday jokes

[Virago]

What happened to Gentle Annie?

Kelvinator.

Didn't taste too good, because of the F'n P.

[Dodgy_Matt]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well the passion starts to heat up and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me".

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man". She responded to my puzzled look by saying "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes so I said "Let's get a pair for each outfit".

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited... she must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said "That's fine, honey". She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out "No honey, I don't feel like it". Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman". And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...

[Dodgy_Matt]

Little Johnny comes home from school and his mum asks him how his day was. To which the chirpy 6 year old replies "Great. I had my first ever fuck!" Disgusted, Johnny's mum sends him to his room until his Dad returns home from work. Half an hour later, his dad is told the story by his mum and is asked to go up to his room to admonish his offspring. He sits down next to the lad and says "Son. I heard that you had your first fuck today. Good lad! Congratulations! When do you think you will get the next one?" To which little Johnny replies "When my arsehole stops hurting!"

[Clockwork]

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each".

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

And now you know how the stock market works...



This belongs in my thread!

[Swoop]

A lamb vindaloo is lying quietly in a stomach. All of a sudden something cold and wet lands on top of it.

"Hey! Who the fuck are you?" says the vindaloo.

"I'm a double vodka," says the newcomer. "Dave just paid for me."

A few minutes later another downpour arrives.

"And who the fuck are you?" says the vindaloo.

"I'm a double vodka," says the latest newcomer. "Dave just got another round in."

This goes on for a while until the tenth double vodka gushes in and says Dave just bought it.

"You guys have made me curious," says the vindaloo. "I'm going to take a look at this Dave bloke myself."

[Swoop]

I saw a chameleon yesterday.

So I guess it's safe to say it was a pretty shit chameleon.

[YellowDog]

A guy goes hunting. A gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye." :rofl:

[Dodgy_Matt]

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box… gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. . . Bob has been missing since Friday!

[Stirts]

My husband wants a divorce after 50 years of marriage.


Apparently pissing all over him is an unacceptable Golden Wedding anniversary gift.

[Swoop]

The missus came home steaming drunk last night. "You up for some role play action, babe?" She asked with a wink.
"Not really." I replied.
"Oh, come on." She said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror.

As I shouted "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.

[Stirts]

Marriage: Betting someone half your shit that you'll love them forever.

[Dodgy_Matt]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing" the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled "Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!" St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago".

[Dodgy_Matt]

Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line she's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.

[crazyhorse]

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

[Swoop]

A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously.

"That's disgusting!" shouts the girl.

"It's the dog," proclaims the guy.

"Don't blame him," she replies, "he was cooked perfectly!"

[Swoop]

A new budget airline has opened in India!
246283

[NordieBoy]

A new budget airline has opened in India!

I think that's fake.
The shadows are wrong.

[_Shrek_]

A new budget airline has opened in India!
246283

:shifty: i'll have two seats for family members

[Mrs Shrek]

:shifty: i'll have two seats for family members

Only two? :whistle:

[JakeTehMuss]

An old man went for a sperm count.
Doctor gave a bottle to collect sperm.
Next day man returned with empty bottle & said that he tried with left hand and then with his right hand.
Then his wife tried with right hand and then with left hand.
Then his daughter-inlaw with both hands and also with mouth.
Then his neighbour's wife and daughter tried simultaneously with both hands and mouth.

But nobody cud open the bottle.


If your girlfriend is fat, tell her to walk 20 miles a day.
In a month she'll be 600 miles away.

A pharmasist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?"he asked his assistant.
"He came in 4 cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."
"U fucking idiot" said the chemist "U can't treat a cough with laxatives"
"Of course u can" the assistant replied"Look at him,

he's too scared to cough now.


I tried having phone sex once, Now I have hearing aids...

[Swoop]

What did the letter O say to the letter Q?

Dude, your dick is hanging out.

[Stirts]

The sexual position formerly known as the "69" is now called the "96". Due to inflation, the cost of eating out has gone up.

[Laava]

The sexual position formerly known as the "69" is now called the "96". Due to inflation, the cost of eating out has gone up.

That's back to back increases then?

[mashman]

oldy, but

One day a girl invites her boyfriend to her apartment for romantic dinner.
After heavy dinner, she tells him that she wants to do "69". But the
Boyfriend doesn't know what a 69 is. The Girlfriend gets upset
but thinks that she can teach him how to do 69. she asks him to lay
down...and she then lays on top of him in reverse direction so as in 69.
The boyfriend is confused but is eager to know about 69. So he does as
the GF tells him to do.

They lay down in this position for about 2 min. She is thinking that he
will, by the time, get excited by this. but suddenly the GF has to let
go one Fart...directly on her BF's face.

GF quickly apologises and asks him to stay in that position for some
more time. After 1 min she has to let go one another fart....this time
bigger than the previous.

The BF quickly throws her away, gets up, starts dressing up and yells at
her.. "If you think I am gonna take 67 more like this, you are MAD"

[Stirts]

The Chinese translation for the 69 position is twocanchew.

[wysper]

at least one of them better not be bloody chewing!

[Stirts]

at least one of them better not be bloody chewing!

Unless she takes her teeth out.

[wysper]

Unless she takes her teeth out.

fair enough LOL

[_Shrek_]

Ducky wisdom

246509


I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president
and over fifty for Miss America ?

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

[_Shrek_]

Duckies next lot

246509

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't you know it.... Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but FAT cells live forever.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school,
but they can in prison? A completely brilliant question!!!!!!!

Bumper sticker of the year: 'If you can read this, thank a teacher -
and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside? Another completely brilliant question!!!!

And remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.......

[Swoop]

I no longer see my wife and kids and it's all because of gambling.


I won shit loads of money and moved to The Bahamas.

[Banditbandit]

An Australian teacher asks her students if they're Wallabies fans.

Everyone raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher says "Why aren't you a Wallabies fan?"

The girl replies: "I am an All Blacks fan"

The teacher asks why.

The girl replies: "Because my mum is an All Blacks fan, and my dad is an All Blacks fan, so I'm an All Blacks fan too!"

The teacher says "That is no reason. What if your mum were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"

Teh girl says: "Then I'd be a Wallabies fan!!!

[slofox]

Probably a repost but WTF, who cares? It made me laugh...

How fast can you guess these words?


1. BOO_S


2. _ _ NDOM



3. P_N_S



4. F_ _ K


5. PU_S_



6. S_X














ANSWERS:


1. BOOKS
2. RANDOM
3. PANTS
4. FORK
5. PULSE
6. SIX


246553

[crazyhorse]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be
Confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...

' 'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

[Swoop]

On the 10th anniversary of 9/11 the National Dyslexic Association are proud to support America's War on Trevor.

[_Shrek_]

Our Father, who art in Eden
Henry be thy name.
Your Wisdom come,
your will be done,
on the field as in training
Give us today our daily oranges,
Forgive us our infringements
as we forgive those who infringe against us. (Wayne Barnes I'm looking at you)
Lead us not into offside positions,
but deliver us from Aussie banter.
Thine is the kingdom,
the power and the Web Ellis,
For ever and for ever.
Amen.

[HenryDorsetCase]

Did you hear about the pallet of Viagra that was stolen over the weekend?

Police are looking for hardened criminals.

[Swoop]

Just heard the 2012 Olympics will have the 'French Self-Defence' event.:yes:

Or "the marathon" as it's more commonly known.

[slofox]

Me mad mate just emailed me this...loved No. 3.

<embed width="600" height="361" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always" wmode="transparent" src="http://static.photobucket.com/player.swf?file=http://vid281.photobucket.com/albums/kk207/slofox/3OhShitVideos.mp4">

[Dodgy_Matt]

I couldn't find that fucking thingy that peels the spuds and carrots, so I asked my kids if they have seen it... apparently she left me yesterday.

[Pseudonym]

Did you hear about the pallet of Viagra that was stolen over the weekend?

Police are looking for hardened criminals.

With swollen goods…

[MSTRS]

Has something come up in that case?

[Stirts]

Apparently it was a massive cock up.

[Swoop]

After yesterday's incident, the vicar would like to make it clear that the bowl labelled 'For the sick' is intended for monetary donations.:facepalm:

[Swoop]

A wife buys some crotchless knickers to spice up her love life. She sits down on the settee opposite her husband.
Her husband looks over and says "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?"
She replies "yes darling" and winks.
"Thank fuck for that" he says "I thought the stuffing was coming out of the settee"!

[Swoop]

I'm making a show about two detectives who solve crimes over the phone.

Star Key and Hash.

[Dodgy_Matt]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock". When I asked him why he said "Well last night our clock cuckooed three times then said 'oh shit'. Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[_Shrek_]

update on Happy Feet... :drool:

[Juzz976]

A husband emerged from the bathroom clearly aroused and naked. As he leapt into bed his wife complained, as usual, "I've a headache!" "Perfect!" her husband exclaimed. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my cock with crushed asprin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you!"

[nathanwhite]

A good looking and even more confident man walks into a bar and sits next to the hottest girl there. After ordering a drink he strikes up a conversation with her. She notices that he is constantly looking at his watch, when she asks about this he replies "Oh this is quite a special watch actually, its telepathic." She is clearly not impressed and asks for a test. The man agrees and looks at his watch for a second before a small smile creeps onto his face. "The watch tells me you are not wearing a bra." The female laughs at this and replies "Well it must be broken then because I am." The smile is instantly replaced by a frown and he taps the watch several times. Then, "Ah. Silly thing must be an hour fast."

[Swoop]

I got a job as a bounty hunter in China.

Couldn't believe my luck, every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!

[Zedder]

A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid but reckons he can stop easily.

[_Shrek_]

BREAKING NEWS

Wallabies rugby practice was delayed nearly 2 hours today after a player reported an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Coach Robbie Deans immediately suspended practice while police were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the TRY LINE. Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again :facepalm:

[Swoop]

I saved my mistress' phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'.

Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the missus takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.

[Zedder]

I saw a guy in an AA van who was crying and shaking uncontrollably, he was obviously heading for a breakdown.

[slofox]

Seen today...

247130

[Swoop]

I was clearing out my late German Grandfather's closet and decided to give all his old clothes to the local charity shop.

I handed over the bag of clothes to the shop assistant who was rummaging through it when a horrified expression formed on her face.

"How dare you bring this uniform in to my shop" she exclaimed angrily. "This is a symbol of pain, shame and humiliation."

Hugely embarrassed at this turn of events, I quickly took back the bag.

"I'm truly sorry" I said. "I had no idea he was a Wallabies fan."

[_Shrek_]

:facepalm: :shit: :corn:

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt.. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ..'

And they say blondes are dumb...


A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world..'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'


-----------------------------------------------------------


'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

-----------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor


-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
--------------------------------- --------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

--------------------------- --------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual..'

[wysper]

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual..'

hahahahaah
I Like that!

[Swoop]

My boss at work said I've got a drugs test tomorrow, so I've just done some revising.

I smoked a spliff, downed a couple of E's and snorted three lines of coke.:woohoo:

[Zedder]

Why do they lock toilets at gas stations? Are they afraid someone's going to clean them?

[Dodgy_Matt]

It was mealtime during a flight. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. "What are my choices?" the man asked. "Yes or no" she replied.

[Dodgy_Matt]

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself... television, ice cream, homework, video games... but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.

For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!" "Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to jerk off".

[YellowDog]

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".

The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

[_Shrek_]

A Police STOP at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[_Shrek_]

Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken! :whistle:

[Swoop]

I thought my girlfriend might be 'The One', but after finding police, nurse and maid uniforms in her wardrobe, I realised she can't hold a job down.

[Stirts]

Teeeheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
247443

[Daffyd]

I went to the Library and asked for the book "Pyscho The Rapist".
The librarian searched for 6hrs and finally came back and slapped me hard.
I said, "Heck, that hurt and why did you do that?"








She said, "Idiot, the book is called "Psychotherapist".

[Juzz976]

After that slap you may need to see Osteo the rapist.

[Shadows]

247496

10 characters

[Smifffy]

Little Johnny is asked by his teacher: "What is the most wonderful thing in life for you?"

‎"Well, sir," says Johnny, "when I think about it, the most wonderful thing in life for me is a pretty girl with big tits and a wet pussy."

The teacher is infuriated and writes a note that Little Johnny has to give to his father.

The next day, the teacher asks: "So, Johnny, what did your daddy say?"

"Well, sir," says Johnny, "we sat down in the living room and drank an espresso, read your note and talked, then we poured ourselves a cognac, smoked a joint and talked some more. In the end, we decided you must be a fucking poofter."

[Daffyd]

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. " So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama

[craisin]

Indian Wanting Coffee:

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter:

"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,

"Training for position in United States Congress.
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, Disappear for rest of day."
__________________

[george formby]

Shakespeare walks into a pub, the barman turns round & says " Hey! Your Bard."

:facepalm:

[Stirts]

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as real Rugby player.
They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no... Calm down...


It will say ADIDAS in a minute."

[Swoop]

I got home very late last night from a poker evening with my mates. The wife was of course waiting up, ready to moan as usual.

"Stop!" I said. "Don't even bother getting pissed off. Pack your bags. I lost you in the poker game. You're moving in with Bob."

"How could you do such a terrible thing?" she whined.

"Wasn't easy," I said. "You don't normally fold with four aces."

[Zedder]

A guy is out on his motorbike and gets carried away with the pure joy of it all and before he knows it he's doing 120 kph.

Soon he sees the red and blues flashing in his mirrors but instead of stopping, he speeds up a bit but then has a change of heart and pulls over.

The cop comes up to him and says "I've had a long day but it's near the end of my shift so if you give me a really good reason for the speed I'll let you off."

The biker thinks for a bit then says "My wife left me for a cop and I thought it was him chasing me to give her back."

"Have a nice day sir" says the cop.

[slofox]

Just received this via email. Made me laugh...


247665

[Swoop]

Last night I burst into a hotel that I was passing, with a young girl over my shoulder.

"Please, I've just found her unconscious in the street," I panted. "I think she's taken an overdose of drugs."

"Shall I phone an ambulance?" the receptionist panicked.

"No," I replied. "I want a room!"

[slofox]

Different source this time...


247672

[Dodgy_Matt]

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.

It completely ruined our 10th anniversary.

[blackdog]

Ain't it the truth.

[george formby]

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said
>> 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
>> She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign
>> exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he
>> said.
>> 'Very good!'
>> Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall
>> not perish from the Earth?'
>> Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.
>> 'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more
>> difficult...'
>> Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for
>> your country?'
>> Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F.
>> Kennedy, 1961'.
>> The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of
>> yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about
>> our history than you do.'
>> She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs,'
>> 'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.
>> Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'
>> At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
>> The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'
>> Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
>> 1991.'
>> Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
>> Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the
>> teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
>> Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say
>> anything else, I'll kill you.'
>> Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson
>> to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'
>> The teacher fainted.
>> As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh
>> shlt, We're screwed!'
>> Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The Australian Rugby team, 2011.'

[Smifffy]

A Farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and it's stuck under the tractor still alive....





Shoot it says the farmer, and then bury him...







About 20min later he gets another phone call... Done that, what should i do with his fucking speed camera and bike?!!

[Swoop]

NEWS: Plane in Australia hits ferris wheel.

Police say the pilot is slowly coming round.

[Stirts]

How many children with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a light bulb?

Let's go ride our bikes!

[Shadows]

I was watching TV last night when an advert came on featuring an African baby completely covered in flies!

I phoned the number on the screen straight away to get one!

Looks like it works far better than those sticky strips I normally hang from the ceiling.

[Vacquer0]

An old Italian gent lived alone in New Jersey .

He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

"Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be Able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa"

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

"Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies Are buried. Love, Vinnie"

At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

"Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie"

[YellowDog]

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend -

Beautiful

Intelligent

Gentle

Thoughtful

Innocent

Trustworthy

Sensible



Or in other words B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

[Usarka]

Tag: It's not Friday!!!! :rofl:

[Swoop]

It's not necrophilia if she was alive when I started!:woohoo:

[ElCoyote]

It's not necrophilia if she was alive when I started!:woohoo:

I find necrophilia dead boring personally:innocent:

[Stirts]

I find necrophilia dead boring personally:innocent:

Necrophilia is dead boring....
Try incest, it's only relatively boring.

[ElCoyote]

Necrophilia is dead boring....
Try incest, it's only relatively boring.

I'd forgotten about "Roll your own", the game the whole family can play

[Stirts]

I'd forgotten about "Roll your own", the game the whole family can play

and after a date and there's no awkward 'meeting the parents'.

[mashman]

and after a date and there's no awkward 'meeting the parents'.

as long as there's no skeletons in the closet

[Stirts]

as long as there's no skeletons in the closet

There are no skeletons in my closet.

Only a black latex dildo suit.

[blackdog]

There are no skeletons in my closet.

Only a black latex dildo suit.

Pics or it never existed.

Actually don't worry, how could you make that shit up.

[Stirts]

Pics or it never existed.

Actually don't worry, how could you make that shit up.

http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTpb7cqQEDQKoW9gdOIw9ipt330PJL36 M0O7UXCfeKYRguAZAr0U68SfJGvTg

[blackdog]

http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTpb7cqQEDQKoW9gdOIw9ipt330PJL36 M0O7UXCfeKYRguAZAr0U68SfJGvTg

You need to shave your hands my dear.

[Stirts]

You need to shave your hands my dear.

Womanzee Syndrome is no larfing matter :mellow:

[jimichelle]

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.

It completely ruined our 10th anniversary.Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting pedophile at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.

It completely ruined our 10th anniversary

[YellowDog]

Experts tell us that the best way to make a perfect cup of tea


is to agitate the bag.



So, every morning I shout:





'Two sugars, fat arse!'

[mashman]

There are no skeletons in my closet.

Only a black latex dildo suit.


I suppose a single bone doesn't make a skeleton :innocent:


You need to shave your hands my dear.

I thought it was ingrowing pubic hair

[Dodgy_Matt]

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting pedophile at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.

It completely ruined our 10th anniversary
Except now she's 21 its not Paedophilia .... :facepalm:

[Vacquer0]

An illegal alien, a communist, and a Muslim walk into a bar.

The Bartender says "What can I get you, Mr. President?"

[nathanwhite]

A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you.

The drunk replies, "Boobs"

[Dodgy_Matt]

On the first day, God created the dog and said "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years". The dog said "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span". The monkey said "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years".

The cow said "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years".

But the human said "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay" said God "You asked for it".

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[Vacquer0]

"Why do people say 'grow some balls?'

Balls are weak and sensitive.

If you wanna get tough, grow a vagina.

Those things can take a pounding."

- Betty White

[Swoop]

I have a nickname for my boss at work. It is "Hedgehog".
All the pricks you could ever imagine rolled into one.

[Daffyd]

A trucker came home from the road, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little confused, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little pissed, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The trucker sighed. "Oh shit, it's started."

[Swoop]

A Glaswegian family are having breakfast around the table one morning. The eldest son tells his dad "I'm gay".
"Yer fucking wit? A fucking poof?!?!" his other son says "me too dad" "WHIT THE FUCK?!?! Two fucking benders!! Does nae cunt like fanny in this hoose?!?!"

His daughter says " I do!".

[Swoop]

Paul McCartney's finding it hard to adapt to his new wife.

When she asks for a foot rub he still keeps reaching for the sandpaper.

[EJK]

<img src="http://img404.imageshack.us/img404/4546/jokejd.jpg" />

[FJRider]

My ex girl-friend reckoned I should get a penis enlarger ...

So I DID ....

Her names Sally ... and shes 21 ...

[_Shrek_]

Two for the girls :facepalm:

248523248524

[Stirts]

Cant go to your Doctor because you have confidence issues?
Struggle on with painful issues for years rather than face your fear?

Channel 4 has the answer, -

Embarrassing Bodies.

Where getting your minging, swollen vag out on national TV and being sent to some clinic where a consultant fingers you in front of the cameraman takes far less confidence than doing it in a sealed private room.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You know you have low standards when you find yourself masturbating while watching Embarrassing Bodies

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I felt sorry for the poor guy on "Embarrassing Bodies - Norfland Edition" who only had two nipples. :dodge:

[Vacquer0]

Lately the economy has become so bad here that my wife has resorted to having sex with me again to save money on batteries. Oh, the humanity!

[JakeTehMuss]

An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul, there is a white man sitting on the well.

[JakeTehMuss]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

100th post!!!

[JakeTehMuss]

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked,"How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

[_Shrek_]

two for the boys :corn:

248540248541

[MSTRS]

A married couple down on their luck decides to make a few extra bucks by reluctantly having the wife work the corner.

After the first day the husband picks her up and asks "How did you do?".

She says, "I did pretty well, I made $200.50".

He asks, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" and she replies "All of them".

[Swoop]

Riots have flared up in Italy now, but stopped when the protesters realised they were losing and joined the police halfway through.




Just like old times...

[Vacquer0]

http://farm7.static.flickr.com/6039/6252084685_4495f5d1fd_z.jpg

[specter]

Did you hear the joke about the Welshman, Australian,and Argentinian who walk into a bar?

Well a Welshman, Australian,and Argentinian walk into the International Departures bar at Auckland Airport.

[Indiana_Jones]

Why are niggers like Christmas tree lights?

Some work, some don't, they're chained together and they look great hangin' from a tree.

:facepalm:

-Indy

PS. Don't get upset, it's just a joke!

[_Shrek_]

Thought for the day :corn:

248853

[nadroj]

Frogsville

[Swoop]

After the success of the "Occupy Wall Street" movement, a similar protest is taking place in Germany.

They're going for the tried and trusted "Occupy Poland" approach.






The British government have advised people to watch out that they're not being sold fake 2012 Olympic tickets.
I think I'll be alright though. My tickets for the men's wheelchair triple jump seem genuine enough.

[Dodgy_Matt]

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two blacks and two Mexican guys arrive. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back".
St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.
God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"
St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says "Well, they're gone".
"Who, the black and Mexican guys?" asked God.
"No... the Pearly Gates".

[Dodgy_Matt]

My virgin mate just pulled a girl while we were on holiday in Thailand. He said, "We're off back to the hotel room if you know what I mean - any advice?" I said "Yeah, make sure she wears a condom".

[ellipsis]

...we have new neighbours..they have three moaning whining dogs locked up in a run all day...she told my mrs and i that we will get used to them, soon..


...i got my CB350F running for Greymouth last Friday and took it out onto our road for the usual test run...three passes past their gate had them out scowling at me...i told them 'i have five more like this in my shed, you will get used to them soon'..

...made my week...

[_Shrek_]

I found out there's a long waiting list for this job :crybaby:

248975

[_Shrek_]

National Geographics found this Cougar asleep in a tree after a night out on the hunt :innocent:

248994



ps got this off FB :corn:

[tigertim20]

looks like she's tryna scratch her fanny . . .

[_Shrek_]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was
soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're
stoning the slag in the morning !


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkeys.
I thought she was joking........And then I saw her face


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of
Swan Vista matches.....his little face lit up when he tried to walk.

[Stirts]

What's brown and smelly and comes out of sewer pipes?

Colonel Gaddafi.

[Jase H]

If a cannibal converts to Christianity, does this mean he'll only eat fishermen on Fridays?

[Swoop]

Saddam Hussein check, Osama Bin Laden check, Colonel Gaddafi check, Justin Beiber............




USA - World's only superpower, Spy satellites, stealth aircraft, drones, super-trained special forces, CIA spy network - 10 years on they find Bin Laden at home.
Libya - Toyota RAV 4 with 12 bore shotgun mounted on the back - 2 months on and they find Gaddafi at home.

[Stirts]

People are saying that the news of Gaddafi's death and the end of Westlife are both causes for celebration.

I don't think that's fair, one caused untold suffering to millions and was universally despised by all right minded people the other was just your typical middle eastern despot!

[Swoop]

Just found out they finally killed the Colonel.

I hope he gave KFC that secret recipe before it was too late!





Yo Muammar's so fat that the entire population of Libya hate him.

[Banditbandit]

The Agony of Dyslexia

After Daylight Saving Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him:

"You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"

[_Shrek_]

:facepalm:

[_Shrek_]

an't that the truth :shutup:


249422

[_Shrek_]

:whistle:

249601

[_Shrek_]

:innocent: :corn:

249602

[Swoop]

I'm sick of the trick or treaters, so I'm turning the lights out and pretending I'm not in.

Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules.

[Laava]

A buddhist walks into Subway and says, "Make me one with everything!"

[bogan]

A buddhist walks into Subway and says, "Make me one with everything!"

An interviewer told that joke to the Dalai Lama, he didn't get it though...

[_Shrek_]

i care :not:

249844

[Banditbandit]

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

[Banditbandit]

An oldie . but a goodie ...

The following is a question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid - term exam.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
...
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

[Daffyd]

Blonde drops a black cocktail dress off to the cleaners.

As she leaves the cashier says, "Come again."

She replies, "No, it's toothpaste this time, you nosey bitch!"

[Smifffy]

249953

Could be amusing....

[blackdog]

" Morning Passion"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[Swoop]

Where you sit on the bus says a lot about the type of person you are. For instance, if you sit in the driver's seat, you are probably a fat, ignorant prick who lacks driving skills...

[_Shrek_]

Where you sit on the bus says a lot about the type of person you are. For instance, if you sit in the driver's seat, you are probably a fat, ignorant prick who lacks driving skills...

so you're a bus driver then :whistle:

[Banditbandit]

In 1991 three kids were playing in the train-way in Sydney when they were hit by a train. They all go to heaven and God says to them, "You weren't supposed to die, you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you, I'll let you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump off of that cloud over there, and as you're flying back down to Earth, shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be."


The first kid takes a running leap and shouts "Lawyer" and so, 20 years later, he is a very successful lawyer, making lots of money, with an upcoming appointment to the Bench.


The second kid takes his turn and shouts "brain surgeon" and so, 20 years later, he is the most admired man in his field of medicine and making a ton of money saving lives.


The third kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and stumbles off the cloud muttering "stupid clumsy arsehole." 20 years later, he's playing 1st five for the Wallabies.

[_Shrek_]

POLITICALLY INCORRECT (But freakin funny)

In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Arabs and Abos is not the correct answer.

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

A new Muslim clothing shop opened here in Westfield, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a moustache".

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk .... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

The red cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.

[bogan]

A wife was standing in the kitchen...........

5 posts between a repost, is that a new record?

[Banditbandit]

5 posts between a repost, is that a new record?

Sorry .. made the classic mistake of not ready back ... gone now ..

[Daffyd]

Top job Ted ......

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Three Rugby Coaches – Robbie Deans, Martin Johnson and Graham Henry - are invited to heaven watch the World Cup final with God.


God decides who will sit next to him by asking each of them the same question.


God asks Deans first: "What do you believe?"





Deans says, "I believe in hard work and staying true to family, teammates and friends."


God is impressed by Deans and offers him a seat to his left.


God then turns to Johnson and asks, "What do you believe?"





Johnson says, "I believe loyalty, discipline, courage and honour are the fundamentals of life."


God is again impressed and offers the Englishman a seat to his right.


Finally, God turns to Henry: "What do you believe?"





Henry says, "I believe you're in my seat."



I hope God has a sense of humour

[MSTRS]

I like long walks. Especially when they're taken by someone who annoys me.

[_Shrek_]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road,"
Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call.."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right,"replies the barman.

"The circus?"the duck asks again "with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies..

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck..

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ........


"What the f... would they want with a plasterer??!"

[Banditbandit]

Which reminds me ....

A gorrilla walks into a bar and orders a handle.

The barman rushes out he back to his manager "Hey, a gorrilla just walked in and ordered a handle. What do I do?"

"Well,"says the manager says .. "pour him one ..."

The barman returns to the bar, pours the handle and hands it to the Gorrilla. The Gorilla hands the barman a $20 note.

The barman rushes back to the manager - "The Gorilla just gave me a $20 note. What do I do now?"

"Give him $5 change and strike up a conversation," replies the manager.

The barman returns to the bar, hands the gorilla $5 and says "We do't get many gorillas in here ..."

The gorrilla replies ... "At $15 a handle, that's not surprising" .

[Swoop]

Justin Bieber: "Judge me on my music, not malicious rumours!"

You're not exactly helping yourself there, Justin...:rolleyes::weird::rolleyes:

[Stirts]

Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye. The teacher was concerned and asked, "What's wrong?"

"Our house is very small. Me, my mum and my dad all sleep on the same bed. Last night my dad asked, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' When I said 'No', he slapped my face and gave me a black eye."

The teacher said, "The next time your dad asks if you're sleeping, keep dead quiet and don't answer."

The following morning Johnny came back with two black eyes.

The teacher, by now very worried, asked, "My god, why have you now got two black eyes? I thought I told you to say nothing."

Johnny replied, "Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' and I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad and my mum started moving, you know, at the same time, and mum was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, 'Are you coming?' Mum said, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' Dad answered, 'Yes!'

They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, "Wait for me, I'm coming too..."'

[Swoop]

I saw a fat bird down the pub, her T-shirt said - Watch out, I'm a maneater!

I went up to her and said "Excuse me love, about your T-shirt slogan."

She stopped me and angrily said "Oh let me guess, you want to know how many men I've eaten?! Well I can't help my size you know!"

I said "Actually no, I wasn't going to say that at all."

She looked happier and smiled as she said "Oh yes, what did you want to say then?."

"That's not how you spell Manatee."

[misterO]

Every now and then a song comes along that manages to put into words what most of us would struggle to define. Click link for neo-pop poetic subtlety at it's most transcendent:

Song: 'I just had sex and it felt so good'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQlIhraqL7o

[Swoop]

Just been watching the news and OJ Simpson has been up to his old tricks again.
This time he's been found guilty in the Michael Jackson trial.




Don't blame it on sunshine, don't blame it on moonlight, don't blame it on a good time, blame it on the Murray.:wings:




I've just started a fund to pay for Conrad Murray to become Justin beiber's private doctor when released.... all donations welcome!




Why do The Environmentalists have an issue with Conrad Murray?
Because he put plastic in the ground.

[Swoop]

Last night I thought it would be funny to try and impress people by pulling the cloth from a table, without breaking anything.

Far from being impressed, the members of the snooker club were extremely pissed off.

[JakeTehMuss]

:eek: Mate just sent me this ... Couldn't help my self :spanking:
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/pAYS4qN8w5U" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
http://youtu.be/pAYS4qN8w5U
250377

[Swoop]

The Olympic Flag now has only 4 rings: Green, blue, red and black.

The Greeks had to pawn the gold one.



What happened to the Greek economy?
They spent it all on plates!

[_Shrek_]

:nono: :rolleyes:


250429

[Swoop]

Do Americans realise today is 11/11/11 and not 11/11/11?






I spotted a fat chick giving it large on the dance floor in the club last night, so I went over.

"Fancy going for a few drinks somewhere a little quieter?" I winked.

"Oh yes, definitely," she giggled.

"Thanks," I replied. "You're making me and the lads a little sick."

[Newbi]

Butt sex is a bit like spinach, if your forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.:laugh:

[Swoop]

I was lying in bed when the bathroom door opened slowly.

My wife slipped out wearing a skimpy nightie and paraded around the bed seductively.

"I've been thinking dear, how about a bit of role reversal play tonight?" I asked

"Ooh yes, that sounds like fun" She replied.

"Good. Then fuck off, I've got a headache"

[_Shrek_]

250694PHOTOCOPIERS: are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrongbuttons.

250695THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it wouldbe male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

250696SPONGES: are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

250697WEB PAGES:Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

[misterO]

One morning the wife was awakened by a knock at the door. Her husband was in the bathroom shaving, so she quickly threw on a robe and hurried downstairs. Opening the front door she saw Dave, her husband's best friend. Dave, upon seeing his best friend's wife in a bathrobe, said- "I'll give you $100 dollars if you open up that robe and give me a peek". She thought about it for a moment, glanced over shoulder and then, with a sly smile revealed herself in all her glory in the clear morning light. Dave's jaw dropped and almost as soon as it began the moment was over. As promised, he pulled out a $100 bill from his wallet, thanked her and ran back to his car. "Who was that?" her husband called out from above. "It was just Dave" she said, closing the door. "Great!" her husband replied- "Did he have that $100 he owes me?"

[Swoop]

I was discussing 'head transplants' with a young man today and said,

"Surely the term 'head transplant' doesn't even exist? The brain is the seat of the personality and cognitive abilities. The body, however, cannot function without the brain, so technically we should refer to it as a, 'body transplant'."

"That's an interesting concept," he replied, "But this is double murder either way and you're still under arrest."





I bought a new guard dog yesterday.
It's useless, it lets anybody in.
Fucking NZ border collie.

[Swoop]

I was stopped by a policeman the other day.

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was trying to keep up with traffic," I replied

He said, "There is no traffic."

I answered, "That's how far behind I am!"

[_Shrek_]

250716HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to goanywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse


250717TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.



250718TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

[Swoop]

Daniel Radcliffe has revealed that he was "dependent on alcohol" to make it through the final Harry Potter films.

That makes two of us.

[Reckless]

He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face, As his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards.....
forwards then backwards.....
back and forth..
back and forth..
In and out..
in and out..
Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flushed & she started to grunt and groan.
Then she let out one almighty scream!!!
"I can't park this fuckin car! You do it!

[Swoop]

My girlfriend came into the room all excited and said, "My friend said she saw you going into the jewellers and the florists yesterday! What are you planning?"

I replied "Well I was planning to have a shit but none of those shops let me use their toilet."

[MSTRS]

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife when she was in labour. "Fuck off you arsehole!" she screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital.

[nadroj]

If sex with 3 people is called a threesome, and sex with 2 people is called a twosome, I now know why they call me handsome!

[nadroj]

So.. 40% of men over 40 suffer from erection problems.

Looking at 40% of women over 40, it's not fucking difficult to see why!

[Swoop]

Wanted: Personal psychic for wealthy client.
Salary: $10,000 per week plus bonuses.
Free meals & accommodation.
10 weeks paid leave per year.
Company car.
Generous pension scheme.

You know where to apply.

[Swoop]

I recently saw some porn made during the second World War. The stars were a British soldier and a German woman.

The soldier slowly unbuttons the woman's blouse, kissing her neck as he does so. He then unclips her bra to reveal her round, pert breasts. He licks and then sucks gently on her erect nipples.

Next, he removes her skirt. She is wearing black stockings and suspenders, with lacy knickers. He nudges her underwear to one side so that he can spread her moist lips, teasing her with his fingers.

He then pulls her knickers off completely, and pushes her onto the bed. The Brit looks over the German, in complete control.

He kneels down and begins to lap at her pussy, slowly at first, then building up speed. He flicks her clit relentlessly. She starts to moan, clasping the headboard tightly in readiness for the climax. The end is near, and they both know it.

She wriggles on the bed, helpless at what is about to happen.

At that point, an American soldier kicks down the door, pushes the Brit to one side, and spunks in the German's face.

[Swoop]

I bumped into an old friend and said to him, "I hear you lost your job as an NCEA Geography teacher?"

"Yeah, I've no idea why but it doesn't matter now as I'm moving to Australia to teach."

"Why go all that way for a job?"

He replied "Because apparently Toronto has some of the best schools in the world."

[Swoop]

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.

[MSTRS]

If a tree falls on a woman and no one is around to hear it, what was a tree doing in the kitchen?

[Swoop]

Life is like toilet paper.
Either you're on a roll or you're taking shit from some asshole.

[Ocean1]

If a tree falls...

If a tree falls in the forest...

Catholicism: It fell for our sins.
Judaism: Oy, the tree fell, again?!
Buddhism: There is no tree.
Islam: Islam is not really about knocking over trees.

Fundamentalism: The tree was Evil.
Racism: That kind of tree is always falling.
Plagiarism: That kind of tree is always falling.
Defeatism: All the trees are going to fall.
Pessimism: That is the forest of the fallen tree.
Optimism: Almost all the trees are standing.

Capitalism: Let's sell the wood.
Globalism: Let's sell the wood, half way around the world.
Communism: Let's knock over all the other trees.
Socialism: Let's ask the other trees to fall.
Nepotism: Give the tree to my cousin.
Isolationism: That tree is none of our business, in fact, neither is the forest.

And the one that actually tries to answer the question asked...

Quantum Physics: Of course not, by definition.

[LBD]

Just came around on the Swazi news letter....not bad me thinks...AND CHECK OUT THE POSTING NUMBER 1198....reserved for a Ducati fan I think

A heartwarming Lawyer story

One afternoon a Lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he quickly ordered his driver to stop while he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Pray tell me, why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass"

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I will feed you," the Lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along, for I have more than enough for all" the Lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the Lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the Lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The Lawyer replied, "Glad to do it."

"You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

[LBD]

I could nae help my self.....

http://www.1199panigale.ducati.com/en/

[slofox]

Beer...



I was standing in a bar in Barcelona and this little Chinese guy comes in

and stands next to me.

I said to him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu,

Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”

He says “No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee”?

“No”, I say, "it’s because you’re drinking my beer, you slanty eyed little sh-it".

[Shadows]

I've just discovered something wonderful about smoking meth. It's only 2 more sleeps until Xmas.

[MSTRS]

Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop. "Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward replies. The cop asks "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key" Edward replies. At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards's penis is hanging out of his trousers. The cop asks Edward "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself? Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD... they got Julie too!!"

[Swoop]

Our cat sadly passed away this morning so I've buried him under our tree.

The kids will be surprised when they're rooting through their presents on Christmas morning.

[MSTRS]

Was sorting through the left over wrapping paper from last Xmas, when I found one of the kid's presents they hadn't opened. We'd forgotten about the kitten we'd got them...

[kevfromcoro]

I was in Thailand on a bus..
And this drop dead shelia gets on.
I said to myself....
Dont get a hard on
But she did

[HenryDorsetCase]

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/semnocao.gif?w=200&h=240

[Swoop]

Did you realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same?

[MSTRS]

I was having a shit in the train toilet today when some bloke knocked on the door. He said "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now" I shouted "I'm having a shit!" He said "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"
"No problem" I said sliding it under "The yellow bits are sweet corn".

[slofox]

One day an acquaintance ran up to Socrates excitedly and said, "Socrates, do
you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to
pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." 'Triple
filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about
Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The
first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or
not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what
you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes
that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may
still pass the third test though, because there is a third filter, the
filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going
to be useful to me?"

"No, I'm not sure really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither true
nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man
was bewildered and ashamed.

This is an example of why Socrates was
a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging
his wife.

[Jabman]

What do you call an owl with only one wing? "NOT EVEN OWL!!!'

[Geeen]

What do you call an owl with only one wing? "NOT EVEN OWL!!!'

http://tee.cdn.grabone.com/goimage/440x267/bdbb13c4dfb3d1f62c869df74b07458d7773ac12.jpg

Like this??

[Swoop]

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.

People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!

I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

[avgas]

One day an acquaintance ran up to Socrates excitedly and said, "Socrates, do
you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to
pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." 'Triple
filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about
Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The
first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or
not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what
you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes
that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may
still pass the third test though, because there is a third filter, the
filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going
to be useful to me?"

"No, I'm not sure really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither true
nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man
was bewildered and ashamed.

This is an example of why Socrates was
a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging
his wife.
Reminds me of a little snippet I read many moons ago, its a skit by Steve Martin.

Socrates: “What a busy day this was. All right. I’m gonna lay here and I’m going to die – and you know what’s going to happen? You guys are gonna go out and you’re gonna have lunch and you’re gonna sit and stare at each other. I was the only one in this whole group who ever said anything. It was always, ‘Socrates, what is truth?’ ‘Socrates, what is the nature of the good?’ ‘Socrates, what should I order?’ ‘Socrates, what are you having?’ And not ONCE did anyone ever say, ‘Socrates, hemlock is poisonous.’”

[Swoop]

I was a bit disappointed with my Anne Frank advent calender. There's loads of chocolate crammed in to one window but all the others are empty.

[nadroj]

I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

You are also easier to find in Continent!

[Jabman]

http://tee.cdn.grabone.com/goimage/440x267/bdbb13c4dfb3d1f62c869df74b07458d7773ac12.jpg

Like this??

Very nice. And the T-Shirt.

[Laava]

IRISH SPEEDOS
Paddy, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach Australia couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls, so he asked the local lifeguard for some advice..
Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're year’s outta style. You 're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!' The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick! So Paddy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him,'What's wrong now?'
Bloody Hell!' said the lifeguard, 'Maaaaate.
The potato goes in the front!'

[Swoop]

I've just moved to South Auckland and I can't believe how strong the winds were here last night.

I woke up this morning and my tools had disappeared from my shed and my car was not on the drive!










Why do we have angels on top of our Christmas tree?
At what point in the bible does it mention a Angel being sodomized by a pine tree?:scratch:

[Stirts]

Santa, what a cool life he’s got.
I mean, who else do you know that gets to do the following ?:

1) Dresses in red;
2) Sneaks in and out of homes at night;
3) Has helpers to do all the hard work for him;
4) Has ready access to untraceable goods;
5) And, best of all, who else gets to work only one day a year ?

What a life!
You’d think more people would cotton onto it.
Oh look, here comes Santa now:

252623

[ellipsis]

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving in this festive season.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many whiskies and some rather nice pinot.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!

[Laava]

Dear Santa, I've been;

[ ]Good all year

[ ]OK most of the time

[ ]Good occasionally

[x]Fuck it, I'll buy my own presents

[Swoop]

What's big and tastes like penis?

My secretary's Christmas bonus.

[Hellzie]

From the Dogs Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


From the Cats Diary

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies'. I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now... Will keep you posted.

[c4.]

My wife came home tonight and told me "My gynacologist said I can't have sex for 6 weeks!"
"No sweat" I said, "what did your dentist say?"

[<G>]

An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry ,and was sueing the lorry company,
In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

Solicitor
> 'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' .

Seamus
> 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the...'

Solicitor
> 'I didn't ask for any details','Just answer the question.. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus
> 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road.....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said,

> 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:
> 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.
> 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
> Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said,
> 'How badly are you hurt?'
> 'Now what the F**k would you have said'?

[crazyhorse]

OMG, I'm rich!

Silver in the Hair

Gold in the Teeth

Crystals in the Kidneys

Sugar in the Blood

Lead in the Ass

Iron in the Arteries

And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.



.......I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.

[Swoop]

These days, the difference is:
A pessimistic woman has one tit smaller than the other.
An optimistic woman has one tit bigger than the other.

[Swoop]

Kim Jong Il is dead. I hope he is no Ronrey anymore.

[ellipsis]

A cowboy from the mid-west turns up at the Pearly Gates and is being questioned by St Peter.



'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'


St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

[<G>]

They say Kim Jong Il died from too much stress at work
I guess he should have chosen an easier Korea...

[HenryDorsetCase]

Hey, did I tell you about the sweater I got for Christmas?




I mean, I'd rather have had a screamer, or a moaner, but its OK really.

[Swoop]

Kim Jong Il died leaving North Korea to his son.

That's like your dad giving you a car, after he's crashed it into a tree, with a dead whore in the back seat and a bag of coke in the glove compartment!





What's the difference between Futurama and the Labour party?

Futurama only has one Bender.

[YellowDog]

From a Teacher - short and to the point.

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of
capital letters. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that!!!?

[KiWiP]

I was a bit disappointed with my Anne Frank advent calender. There's loads of chocolate crammed in to one window but all the others are empty.

You should get the bulemics calendar, lots of chocolate crammed in every window

[MSTRS]

A friend of mine just bought a new Xmas tree. Thinking she might need help, I asked her if she was going to put it up herself? "No" she replied "I thought it would look nice in the corner of the living room".

[Swoop]

I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings, I'm a drunk, we go to parties.

[nathanwhite]

God made every person different...
He got tired by the time he got to china

[Swoop]

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

[misterO]

Q: what's the difference between a oral thermometer and an anal thermometer?
A: the taste

[Hinny]

Q. Why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

[Stirts]

Was it just me, or did Justin Bieber look kinda jealous when that ball dropped on New Year's Eve.

[Swoop]

Scientist - "My findings are pointless when taken out of context".
Media - Scientist claims "findings are pointless"





I've decided to name my new curry "Frodo".
It destroys the ring in a fiery inferno, after 10 painful hours.

[Swoop]

Give a man a job and you have an employee.
Teach a man how to shift blame and you have a manager.






I have to say I was never a fan of Sex and the City, but after seeing War Horse I have a much better opinion of Sarah Jessica Parker!

[Swoop]

My mate was showing off his iPad, which now has the function to boil the kettle and dim lights wirelessly.

'Wow' I said 'that's very impressive, but I think I've got something that tops that'

'Yeah' he said 'What's that then?'

'Well what I do is take these actual fucking legs and walk into the actual fucking kitchen and switch them on myself, you fat wanker'.:Punk:

[HenryDorsetCase]

http://i.imgur.com/pCsEa.jpg

[Indiana_Jones]

lol awesome

-Indy

[misterO]

I used to be a necrophiliac but the rotten bitch split on me...

[Swoop]

The Italian army has been called in to help with the people from the grounded cruise ship. But they have now swapped sides and have declared war on the survivors.

[Stirts]

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

[Swoop]

Today I watched the film Limitless. Limitless stars Bradley Cooper as Eddie Morra. Morra the main protagonist takes a pill, a pill which quadruples his IQ, allows him to learn several languages and acquire an immensely greater comprehension of the world in which he lives.



Summary: An American takes a pill, then he evolves into a New Zealander.