Friday jokes [Archive] - Page 14

cc rider

9th September 2014, 21:25

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live,
and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business
and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie,what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats,
"that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has Asian eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl,
"I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie,
I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and presents her to the girl,
who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,

"Thank God for that!" the girl says

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"WHEW!" says the girl extremely relieved...

"I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"

cc rider

9th September 2014, 21:27

Three young pregnant girls talking in the doctors office.

1st girl says she knows that her baby will be a boy as when she fell pregnant, her husband was on top.

2nd girl said she knew her baby was going to be a girl, as when she fell pregnant, she was on top.

3rd girl burst into tears and screamed "I'M HAVING PUPPIES!!!!!!"

:laugh:

cc rider

10th September 2014, 00:06

A priest is down on the docks fishing and hooks a huge fish.
A Sailor is walking by and notices that the priest is having trouble reeling it in so he gives him a hand to reel it in, the sailor says "Whoa, take a look at the size of that fucker!"

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, " Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a Fucker fish"

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor thanks him for his assistance and takes the fish back to church.
Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. Language, please! this is God‘s house," replies the bishop. "No, no - that's what this fish is called" says the priest.
"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "you know I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner".

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.
" Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
"No, sister that's what the fish is called - it's a fucker " says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says,
"wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"

at dinner The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.
"Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says " You know what? You cunts are alright."

cc rider

11th September 2014, 01:41

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'woops' and prays
that a salesperson was not anywhere near. As she turns around,
her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, "Good day Madam. How may we help you today?"
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks,
"What is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

cc rider

11th September 2014, 01:57

This lady went to a tattoo artist and told him she wanted a turkey tattooed on the upper most inner side of her left thigh.
He had seen weirder so he didn't think too much about it.
Then she wanted a Santa tattooed on the upper most inner side of her right thigh.
After he finished the last tattoo, he just couldn't help asking her ,"Why the turkey and Santa?"
She replied, "I'm tired of my husband complaining that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!!!"

Stirts

11th September 2014, 14:55

Think you'll find not many men will support this!

If the end product means a baby, I think you'll find many men will support this! Unless of course she is into anal :msn-wink:

husaberg

11th September 2014, 22:13

If the end product means a baby, I think you'll find many men will support this! Unless of course she is into anal :msn-wink:

Silly sausage.
Tina darling, sweetie, I think you do have it ass backwards.
Men have sex, not always because they want babies...
Either way The duchess need to eat more pies anyway.......

roogazza

12th September 2014, 12:54

300804300805300806300807300808

Stirts

12th September 2014, 13:21

It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine.. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

"Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

"Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."

Swoop

12th September 2014, 14:44

Top Tip: Ladies. Punishing your husband by not talking to him, is like trying to kill a fish by drowning it.

Akzle

12th September 2014, 15:41

Stirts

12th September 2014, 15:45

wow. flashback to 1995.

I am surprised you remember the 1990's

i did prefer the acceleration and handling on them, though... which i've yet to find a laser that can replicate...

I am sure your balls will be satisfied with this one

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JNEmnJx_cjc/TzpgyQXB99I/AAAAAAAFboY/iK2PPQb1VEE/s1600/Computer+Mouse+Humor+funny+picture+(69).jpg

Akzle

12th September 2014, 16:30

I am surprised you remember the 1990's

quite honestly, me too.:drinkup::drinknsin:doobey::doobey:

Rhys

12th September 2014, 16:53

Hone Harawera and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Hone told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened.
About one hour later Hone sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

“What happened to you?”, asked Hone.
“Well, the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me,” said the driver.

“My God, what did you tell them?”, asks Hone.

The driver replies, “I’m Hone Harawera's driver, and I've just killed the pig.”

Swoop

14th September 2014, 19:32

A young lion was talking to an older lion just before they were to be let into the Roman Forum for the final showdown with the Christians.

"This is the first time for me, I'm not sure what I should do," said the younger lion.

The older lion says, "It's easy: you run up to the Christians and roar as load as you can and take a swipe at them with your paw, just before you eat them!"

"Why all the theatrics?" asks the younger lion. "Shouldn't we just eat them?"

The older lion shakes his head, "NO, it's better to scare the shit out of them first... they taste better that way!"

caspernz

14th September 2014, 21:12

So when I take a fat chick skinny dipping, what is it called? Not really sure...

But when I asked my buddy where to take a fat chick for some skinny dipping, and he said Kaikoura :killingme it all became clear.

Banditbandit

15th September 2014, 16:24

A Catholic priest and a Jewish Rabbi in a small town have been playing chess together ion Thursday nights for many years. On this particular Thursday night the priest says to his friend: “We’ve known each other for a long time now, so I feel comfortable asking this – can I ask you a personal question?”

The Rabbi replies; “Sure, we’ve known each other a long time so ask away."

“Well,” says the priest, “have you ever eaten pork?”

“Yes,” replies the rabbi. “I have to admit that the week before I became a Rabbi I sneaked out to the local Cobb and Co and had a big feed of roast pork.”

The play a few moves and the Rabbi says: “well, now that you have asked me that, there is a question I have always wanted to ask you.”

“I think I know what you are going to ask, but ask away,” the priest says.

“Well, have you ever slept with a woman?”

“That’s what I thought you were going to ask, and yes. The week before I accepted ordination I sneaked out of the seminar, visited the house of ill-repute. So yes, I have slept with a woman.”

They play a few moves and the Rabbi says: “Better than pork isn’t it …”

_Shrek_

15th September 2014, 17:44

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy
one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men
will get it the first time.

My work is done here.

cc rider

16th September 2014, 03:07

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.
The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?' Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne !'
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest.'
'That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'
The nurse leaves Kenny's room and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing ??'
To which Davo replies,
'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne ' :tugger:

swtfa

17th September 2014, 12:45

A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: - 'A man and a woman are in bed, nude.

The woman is lying on her side, with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side, facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?'

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first from Canada, says "My answer is there IS no answer."

The second, from New Zealand, says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given".

The third one from Australia says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.
It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Naylor."

The Australian got the job...!!!!!!!!

unstuck

17th September 2014, 18:15

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/1782183_10202661626557519_9126044290292445697_n.jp g?oh=5683ad53f926cf02e836a6ea484f0e84&oe=5499E1C5&__gda__=1418150396_6729d8599f81bc9e6bd73d93fb36090 e

YellowDog

17th September 2014, 22:11

A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.

So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you !" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab.

He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy.

He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you !"

He does this once again for the third time, but not the Jew again.

The Arab gets real cranky so he asks the bartender, " What the hell is the matter with that Jew ? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar, all 100 of them but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts ? "

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place and is showing his gratitude to you."

Swoop

18th September 2014, 11:40

Just beware of voting "yes" Scotland. Once the yanks know you have oil, some muslims are there and you're not part of England anymore...

Reckless

18th September 2014, 12:05

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the A & P Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize," but they awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells!!

cc rider

19th September 2014, 02:12

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!!!

cc rider

19th September 2014, 02:23

I apologize now peeps

A hungry man walked into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.
He sat at the counter and noticed a Jock alongside with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of spaghetti Bolognese.
After ten minutes, the hungry man bravely asked, "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"
The old Jock slowly turned his head toward the young bloke and said, "Nah, ye can gae ahead."
Eagerly, the young fellow reached over and sliding the bowl over to his place, he started spooning it in with delight.
He got almost down to the last spoonful when he noticed a dead mouse in the bottom.
The sight was so shocking, he immediately puked up the spaghetti into the bowl.

The old Jock said, "Aye, that's as far as I got too."

gjm

19th September 2014, 13:10

TV listings in Scotland post-independence...

http://www.thepoke.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/hwnDn7B.jpg

Swoop

19th September 2014, 15:16

The Royal and Ancient Golf Club has voted in favour of allowing women members for the first time in its 260-year history.

A spokesman said, 'for years we have denied women entrance, and frankly the place now needs a bloody good Hoover'.

pzkpfw

19th September 2014, 17:13

TV listings in Scotland post-independence...

17th? That's before the vote. (And seems to have not worked).

roogazza

19th September 2014, 19:17

I apologize now peeps
A hungry man walked into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.
He sat at the counter and noticed a Jock alongside with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of spaghetti Bolognese.
After ten minutes, the hungry man bravely asked, "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"
The old Jock slowly turned his head toward the young bloke and said, "Nah, ye can gae ahead."
Eagerly, the young fellow reached over and sliding the bowl over to his place, he started spooning it in with delight.
He got almost down to the last spoonful when he noticed a dead mouse in the bottom.
The sight was so shocking, he immediately puked up the spaghetti into the bowl.
The old Jock said, "Aye, that's as far as I got too."

Gotta spread some ! :lol: sick I know.:yes:

_Shrek_

20th September 2014, 00:18

Husbands emergency message to his wife on his mobile:

"Honey, a car has hit me on my way out of the office.
Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays.
The blow to my head has been very strong. Fortunately it seems that did not cause any serious injury,
but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot."

Wifes Response:
Who the **** is Paula?

roogazza

20th September 2014, 11:42

301154301155301156301157

gjm

21st September 2014, 10:15

A darts player was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him and says "I have some good news and some bad news."

"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My darts playing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

Doc says "The good news is, I have another arm to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," the man says. "As long as I can play darts again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out in his local throwing a mean set of darts when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hello, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," the chap says. "I'm throwing the best darts of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my doubles finishes have really improved."

"That's such good news," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," the man continued, "but my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes, and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolour."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon. "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"There's just one problem," says the chap. "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."

gjm

21st September 2014, 10:32

https://scontent-a-lax.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10599338_10152771957765786_4759166351016945277_n.j pg?oh=ef225dfe926aeae1ac6984254947354a&oe=54826FB9

cc rider

22nd September 2014, 00:20

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, "Cripes, life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes, and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, following with loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend. "Are you OK??!"
"I'm great! I just won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement."

_Shrek_

22nd September 2014, 10:32

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family. His wife watches TV all day and his three teenage kids have dropped out of high school to hang around with the local toughs. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a framers market and sees a stand selling 25 lb crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, and before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continue to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse which his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that his sons manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business has grossed a million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned. "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral: Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor
than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.

cc rider

22nd September 2014, 23:25

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Michael O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Connor,' says Sean,
'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was;
but useless in a fight.'

_Shrek_

23rd September 2014, 09:41

This morning, the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that
if the United States continued meddling in Syria, Egypt, Libya, and
other potential hot spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut
off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be
next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and AOL customer service reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to not send us any
more presidents.

It's gonna get ugly, folks............

gjm

23rd September 2014, 20:35

https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/1001644_539169212810826_1206955103_n.jpg?oh=e32e8f 5c8cbab4dc8d173e5eb741c14d&oe=54C04F9B&__gda__=1418327468_587887ae8ca851ec70407a89475cf79 b

cc rider

23rd September 2014, 21:40

DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING

Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

gjm

24th September 2014, 12:13

Dear Sir,

On behalf of Channel 4, may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show.
Also for the the charming photograph you enclosed.
Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the series is “Fact Hunt”.

Yours sincerely,
...

gjm

24th September 2014, 13:59

For sale - Peppa Pig jigsaw puzzle.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/227082_10152377246556009_2261498561413576374_n.jpg ?oh=2f7bfae9cc596efb8be8dcf5af5d394b&oe=54922565&__gda__=1418902969_4f1eb82c4dd48ff5050e5151557ba6f 3

roogazza

24th September 2014, 18:26

302003302004302005302006302007302008

Rhys

26th September 2014, 15:01

Missing Wife/ The Male Mind
A husband went to police station to report his missing wife:

Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant : What is her height ?
Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .
Sergeant : Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant : Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Sergeant : Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant : What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband : yes.
Sergeant : What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 liter V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.…at this point the husband started crying...
Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We’ll find your car.

YellowDog

27th September 2014, 07:51

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened ? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon
ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened
to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got
into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew
over.
I looked up, and one of them sh*t in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird sh*t."

"It was my first day with the hook."

Swoop

30th September 2014, 10:29

Why do lesbians use dildos?

I mean, haven't they made their choice?

caspernz

30th September 2014, 18:51

Why do lesbians use dildos?

I mean, haven't they made their choice?

Haha, that reminds me of the definition of a lesbian...

A: Just another woman trying to do a mans' job.

roogazza

1st October 2014, 18:09

302891302892302893302894302895

cc rider

1st October 2014, 21:53

Rick and his wife, Angie were driving home one very cold night when Angie asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to Rick, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

Rick says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.'

'But what about the smell?'

'Just hold its little nose.'

Rick is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

cc rider

1st October 2014, 21:55

The Last Kiss

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin , Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby..... whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that.... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl ."

It's still unclear whether he jumped or was pushed.

HenryDorsetCase

2nd October 2014, 19:18

a sheep joke

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIgSQDQC0qc

RIgSQDQC0qc

roogazza

3rd October 2014, 07:44

302947302948302949302950302951

caseye

3rd October 2014, 14:51

Can't remember if I've posted this one before, but somehow it seems appropriate.
NZ Thou Shalt not Steal.

I absolutely love this, who-ever thought it up is a genius, they need congratulating. enjoy

Dear Mr. Key

Please find below our suggestion for fixing NZ's economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan..
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 200,000 people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them $1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.
200,000 job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new car.
200,000 cars ordered - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy $100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .......
and there's your money back in duty/tax etc

6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy b......s to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know. If not, please disregard.

Grumpies of the World Unite

Also .

Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay $600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE NZ CONSTITUTION - They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours?
It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this -
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...... It creates a hostile work environment.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also;
Think about this .... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of NZ to speak up!

YellowDog

3rd October 2014, 20:01

Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches
into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out
a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal
a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence" says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the
silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana,
replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches
out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great
shout go up outside, followed by an even greater
shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the
chemist’s and addresses the proprietor, this time
with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
We'll have a new one."

cc rider

4th October 2014, 02:04

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.
In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it. Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.
'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder ..'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.'

Swoop

5th October 2014, 13:50

IMPLANT ALLOWS ISLAMIC TERRORISTS TO SPEAK TO GOD!

The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.

When properly installed, it will allow the terrorist to speak to God.

It comes in various sizes: Generally from .223 to .50 cal.
303007

The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained
and highly skilled technician, who will also make the injection.

No anaesthetic is required.

The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like
headaches, nausea, aches and pains are extremely temporary.

Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.
In most cases, you won't even notice it.

Robbo

5th October 2014, 14:32

Learning Arabic....

roogazza

8th October 2014, 12:44

303135303137303138303139

Geeen

8th October 2014, 14:30

Roogazza, you posted that Labrador backpack pic a couple days ago......

roogazza

8th October 2014, 17:52

Roogazza, you posted that Labrador backpack pic a couple days ago......
oh shit. Fixed !!! :wacko: 303145

gjm

10th October 2014, 07:31

A suicide bomber died and went to heaven, as foretold.

When he arrived there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his virgins, as promised.

Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. And I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

And Allah replied, "Who said anything about women?"

gjm

10th October 2014, 19:12

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/1779669_10152302752062624_7660330661160753260_n.jp g?oh=77f23f5dc760410e4ad42c8e6ea55acf&oe=54AB5CDD&__gda__=1421477602_ff5f828d0d75847a8826825a117d342 b

YellowDog

11th October 2014, 11:50

You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs.

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease,
arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.

This “TRUE” interview went as follows:

The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.
Can you offer any reason for this disease?”

The farmer stared at the reporter and said? “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year”?

Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between
this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”

Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”

Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss.” “Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day ...
and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?”

roogazza

12th October 2014, 11:24

303624303625303626303627303628

YellowDog

13th October 2014, 08:53

https://scontent-a-pao.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/s526x395/1896766_674571632593134_142534315_n.jpg?oh=0b42ffc 57c3c3560b249c2f98f226e00&oe=54AA6BDC

Swoop

13th October 2014, 11:45

Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples.

"Thirteen glasses of water, please," Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others.

cc rider

14th October 2014, 00:13

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin .......
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,
"What man here will buy a woman drink?
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
"Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,
"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!

Juniper

14th October 2014, 10:41

How Much Lube Do You Need For Anal Sex?

A Buttload!!!

Juniper

14th October 2014, 10:42

“A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next several months, he saw her doing this often. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning differently. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, and started stroking himself, moaning, "I need a bike! I need a bike!”

nadroj

16th October 2014, 11:17

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up
to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I
would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the
law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All
kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have
any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell
me you had a prescription."

nadroj

16th October 2014, 11:17

A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than I?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

SHE GOT THE RAISE

YellowDog

16th October 2014, 22:19

A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so He asks his father
"Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His dad thinks and then says "Right-o son, go and ask your Mother if
she'd sleep with Dan Carter for a million Bucks."

The boy runs off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would!
She would sleep with Dan Carter for a Million Bucks."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same
question."

The boy runs off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would
too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd
sleep with Dan Carter for a million Bucks."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad.
"Theoretically we could be sitting on three million Bucks.
Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."

roogazza

17th October 2014, 19:14

304235304236304237304238

gjm

17th October 2014, 21:23

A man has been found guilty of stealing full stops.

The judge says he's facing a long sentence.

YellowDog

21st October 2014, 07:57

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers "the taxidermists" who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.

_Shrek_

21st October 2014, 19:03

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets at my
local Bass Pro Shop, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos
running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I
should place my credit card in the card reader.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
I still don't think I looked that bad. :shutup:

YellowDog

21st October 2014, 22:41

Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish on the border of Northern Ireland and Ireland, and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.

One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says, "THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW, BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE."

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells "Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."

From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say "BRIDGE CLOSED"?

Reckless

22nd October 2014, 11:30

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.
“Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God.
“You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?” she asks.
God shrugs, “Sorry, I didn’t recognize you.”

gjm

22nd October 2014, 11:44

The new Back to the Future trailer has hit the streets...

HandyAndy

22nd October 2014, 13:36

Swoop

22nd October 2014, 18:29

I call my penis Oscar Pistorius.

It only goes inside for a disappointingly short period of time.

roogazza

23rd October 2014, 17:39

304445304446304447304448304450

Swoop

23rd October 2014, 18:47

Just when Oscar Pistotius thought it couldn't get any worse.

He gets allocated the top bunk!

Oscar Pistorius found out last night just how uncomfortably narrow those prison beds are.
Although he can't complain about the legroom.

"If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing.
Then I realised that was in bad taste. Why would he have a tin of shoe polish?

Geeen

23rd October 2014, 20:45

Read from Right to Left.......

anebv8

24th October 2014, 20:09

On my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!

gjm

27th October 2014, 16:03

An insect just flew into our kitchen and exploded.

I think it was a jihaddy long legs.

Juniper

28th October 2014, 09:58

A blonde was walking down the sidewalk, when she saw this shiny round thing in a store window.
Well of course, she just had to know what it was.
She went inside, and asked the clerk, what that thing in the window was.
After figuring out what the item in question was, the clerk told her it was a thermos. Well of course, she just had to know what it was for.
The clerk told her, it kept hot things hot, and old things cold.
Well of course, she just had to have one, so she bought it.
The next day, the blonde was walking down the sidewalk, shiny new thermos in her hand, when a blonde walking the other way stopped her.
The other blonde wanted to know what the shiny thing she was carrying was.
So she explained that it was a thermos, and it kept hot things hot, and cold things cold.
The second blonde was amazed, then wanted to know if it worked.
The first blonde said she wasn't sure, as she had just bought it the day before.
The second blonde asked what she had inside, to which the first blonde responded with a smile,
"Two cups of coffee, and a popsicle."

Juniper

28th October 2014, 10:03

A blonde pulls into a body shop in tears. The customer service rep walks over to see what the problem is.
Between sobs, the blonde tells him she drove through a hail storm, and now her brand new car is covered with dents.
The rep knew it would be a few days before they could do any work on her car, so decided to have a little fun with her.
He told her everything would be ok, and they could have her car looking as good as new within the week.
He took her inside and set an appointment for her to drop off the car, and as he walked her back outside, he told her she might be able to fix it herself.
She brightened at this and asked how.
He told her to go home and give the car an hour to cool off.
Then he pointed to the exhaust pipe and told her to blow into it, and perhaps she could pop out all the dents.
So she went home, and about an hour later, she went out, and started blowing on the exhaust pipe.
About that time her roommate, also a blonde, pulled up.
She walked over, and asked the first blonde what she was doing.
The first blonde told the second, she was trying to blow the dents out of her car.
The second blonde said that won't work silly...you have to roll the windows up first.

Juniper

28th October 2014, 10:05

Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know,
I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now
and make somebody very happy.
Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw
ten $100 bills out of the window and
make 10 people very happy.
Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw
one hundred $10 bills out of the window
and make 100 people very happy.
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot,
"Such big-shots back there. I could throw all 3 of them out of the window
and make 256 million people very happy.'

Juniper

28th October 2014, 10:09

A little old Jewish man was taking walking along the shore at Brighton Beach as he had done for many years and he spotted a funny looking bottle half buried in the sand. He pulled it up, and looked at it. It was like nothing he’d ever seen, but it was all crusted with sand and dirt so he took it up the boardwalk and hosed it off. As he was rubbing it dry, POOF! Out popped a genie.

“Oy vey,” moaned the genie stretching. “Mine back is a mess I tell you. You’d think that they would give a senior level genie with my seniority a little roomier office after all dees years.”

The little man rubbed his eyes in disbelief. “Goot Got… you are a genie? And a Jewish one no less?”

“Dat’s me mine friend. My grandparents moved here from Minsk a thousand years or so. Our whole family has been genies for so long I can’t remember.”

The genie looked at the little man. “So mine friend and master, what is your name?”

“Simon.” said the little man, still a bit in shock.

“So mine friend Simon, DIS is your lucky day. You can have a vish, any vish you want.”

The little man replied, “Just one vish? What happened to da three vishes? Are you some sort of discount genit?”

“Don’t make with the wise cracks Simon, Dat went out years ago with inflation. You get one vish. You should be so grateful. How many guys get their biggest vish. I can give you anything you ever wanted and hoped for, but you only get one. So make it good one mine friend.”

Simon thought hard. He felt like he shouldn’t be greedy, but should wish for something that would make everyone’s life better.”

“I got it!” he finally announced. “All mine life I’ve seen so much trouble in the Holy Land and so I vish for a lasting peace in the Middle East.”

The genie sat down on the bench next to Simon and put his arm around him. “Simon, mine dear newest friend, you should know that I am a senior level genie who has been in dis business for centuries. I’ve been to every training program and seminar der is for genies. But listen to vhat I tell you. The Middle East has been a mess for thousands of years. Those people, all of dem, are mashugana. Trying to get them to live in peace is about impossible even for an expert genie like myself. Dis, I don’t think I can accomplish. Please, think of something I can accomplish.”

Simon thought some more and said, “I got it. I’ve been married to my dear wife Zelda for 50 years, who by da vay is also from Minsk. She’s a good woman. She cooks for me and does my laundry. She takes care of me when I’m sick. I’m grateful for our years together. But, just once in all of our 50 years of marriage and before I die, I vish she would once get on her knees and give me a good blowjob.”

The genie sighs and says, “Good Got Simon. We’re going to have to go back to that peace in the Middle East thing.”

Juniper

28th October 2014, 10:25

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job.
 The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"  He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."  "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"  "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."  The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"  The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."  The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."  The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.. No point in you coming in for that."

YellowDog

28th October 2014, 11:06

I've undertaken a full review of my home security system and decided to cut costs by tearing out my alarm system, monitoring, and even de-registered from Neighbourhood Watch.

I've now got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one in each corner and a black flag of ISIL in the centre.

The local police and other intelligence services are watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer.

YellowDog

28th October 2014, 17:27

Why crows die on roads: -

Researchers for the NZ Transport Agency found over 200 dead crows in the Waikato area recently,
and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief,
confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints
appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been
killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

NZTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a
cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:

--- when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree
to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "truck."

Juniper

29th October 2014, 14:01

One evening grandma and grandpa are sitting on the front porch rocking away in their rocking chairs. All of a sudden grandma stops rocking and smacks grandpa upside the back of his head. He says, "OW! What was that for?". Grandma says, "That's for all of those years of bad sex!"

They go back to rockin' away until grandpa stops, smacks grandma upside the back of her head and she asks, "Old man, what was that for?".

Grandpa says, "That's for knowing the difference!".

Swoop

30th October 2014, 07:26

The bank won't sponsor my charity to raise money for myopic kids born outside marriage.

Short-sighted bastards.

Juniper

30th October 2014, 08:58

Roses are red. Nuts are brown.
Skirts go up. Pants go down.
Body to body. Skin to skin.
When it't stiff you stick it in.
It goes in dry and comes out wet.
The longer it's in the stronger it gets.
It comes out dripping and starts to sage.
It's not what you think...
It's just a tea bag.

Juniper

30th October 2014, 09:00

Billy died.... His will provided $30,000 for this elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Jonelle.
"Well, I'm sure Billy would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jonelle, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Joyce .. "Thirty thousand dollars."

"No!" Jonelle exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Joyce answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The whiskey, wine, food and snacks were another $500.. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Jonelle quickly computed the total of $7,500 and said "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"

Joyce answered, "Two and a half carats."

Juniper

30th October 2014, 11:38

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,

"Is that one word or two?"

Juniper

30th October 2014, 11:38

A Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Jacksonville.
He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Last night, I beat the hell out of an Obama supporter."
The priest says,

"My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.

Reckless

30th October 2014, 12:55

This might resonate with a few of you:
The Labour Department, Division of Labor Standards claimed a farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
FARMER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 4 years. I pay him $295 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
GOVT AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
FARMER: That would be me.

Black Knight

31st October 2014, 09:31

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBxjelZ9R_c

One for Halloween

cc rider

1st November 2014, 20:35

An Australian is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order "a VB thanks", she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift, he asks if she wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.
As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders VB and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders VB but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia.
"Melbourne", he tells her.
"So am I. What suburb?" she enquires.
"Glen Iris" he replies.
"That's amazing," she says excitedly, "so am I - what street?" "Cameo Street" he replies.
"This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering; "What number?" "Number 20", he replies.
She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this," she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN

husaberg

2nd November 2014, 19:13

How do deaf people have phone sex?

By fax.

Maha

3rd November 2014, 10:55

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Banditbandit

3rd November 2014, 11:08

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

John Key ???

Swoop

3rd November 2014, 11:44

If someone says "You look familiar,"

Just ask, "Were we in prison together?"

Big Dog

3rd November 2014, 12:06

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Sex after marriage?

Stupid phone / Tapatalk, apologies in advance.

Drew

3rd November 2014, 18:31

If someone says "You look familiar,"

Just ask, "Were we in prison together?"Rookie.

The correct response is. "Oh, do you watch a lot of porn"?

sidecar bob

3rd November 2014, 18:34

Rookie.

The correct response is. "Oh, do you watch a lot of porn"?

I always thought it was "I was the drummer in Supergroove"

Drew

3rd November 2014, 18:55

I always thought it was "I was the drummer in Supergroove"That comes if they deny watching a lot of porn.

Juniper

4th November 2014, 07:09

It has come to the attention of upper management that the federal government has been investigating our company for possible violations of several federal regulations, including minimum wage and hour laws. Further, We have received a cease and desist order from OSHA and the Bureau of Labor Relations. This is intolerable and we are taking immediate steps to correct these disturbing developments!

In order to comply with this mandatory injunction, and to avoid severe repercussions and heavy fines, the following company policies are to be put in force immediately: No longer shall unpaid workers be referred to as indentured servants or slaves (especially in writing or electronically stored data). The new designation for these people is now ''permanent intern with automated unlimited contract renewal".

All federally required 'work breaks' and so-called 'lunch' breaks shall be observed. Employees shall catch up on any overdue paperwork or data entry during this idle time. No employee shall be required to work more than 24 hours per day, 7 days per week. Any supervisor violating this regulation, will be suspended immediately WITH PAY! Repeat offenders of this rule may receive verbal reprimands or further paid suspensions at our discretion.. however, your performance bonus will not be affected.

All workers under the level of junior supervisor shall schedule unpaid time off NO LESS THAN ONE YEAR IN ADVANCE. NO EXCEPTIONS other than the death of the employee, in which case only one week (7 days) minimum advance notice shall apply in order to find a replacement worker. (Special note: preference to be given to permanent interns with automated unlimited contract renewal.)

Voting (for company recommended candidates) is strongly encouraged here at REPOOBLI-KON INDUSTRIES, LLC. Any employee may take a 2 hour PAID work leave in order to do your civic duty. WHISTLEBLOWERS ARE TO BE ENCOURAGED: No employee shall be disciplined or reprimanded for turning in a fellow employee found to be shirking their duty or responsibility to the company. Exceptions include, but are not necessarily limited to: anyone holding a supervisory position higher than your own.

We here at REPOOBLI-KON hope we have made our company stand and corporate view clear on these matters. We want all our workers to have a safe, comfortable and productive employment environment. Now... GET BACK TO WORK! And.. have a nice day, ladies and gentlemen. d:-)

Sincerely,
Wee B. Fukkinem-Gude,
CEO and President, REPOOBLI-KON INDUSTRIES, LLC.

Juniper

5th November 2014, 07:12

Once, a Christian Priest walked into a barber shop, got a shave and a trim.
Once the barber finished up, the Christian Priest asked;
"How much, my dear Barber?"
The barber replied;
"I don't charge people who do God's work."
The Priest smiled, thanked the barber and walked out. An hour later the priest came back with a bible as a gift.

That next day, a Muslim Cleric walked into a barber shop, got a shave and a trim.
Once the barber finished up, the Muslim Cleric asked;
"How much, my dear Barber?"
The barber replied;
"I don't charge people who do God's work."
The Muslim Cleric smiled, thanked the barber and walked out.
An hour later, the Muslim Cleric came back with a Quran as a gift.

That next day, a Rabbi walked into a barber shop, got a shave and a trim.
Once the barber finished up, the Rabbi asked;
"How much, my dear barber?"
The barber replied;
"I don't charge people who do God's work."
The Rabbi ran outside.
An hour later, the barber found 3 new Rabbis in his shop.

Juniper

5th November 2014, 07:13

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy's room and placed four objects on his study table:

- a Bible

- a silver dollar

- a bottle of whiskey

- a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old Preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But If he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered,"he's gonna run for Congress.

unstuck

5th November 2014, 07:32

Forget about the new bike, it's time for a new wife. :yes:

https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10734093_669509213163438_9033601512481173582_n.jpg ?oh=725b3456a6df7c3afd331d4179d8b134&oe=54F47BBC&__gda__=1424127584_eb34e5b16fd4762f4ca47eb31bbd318 3

Swoop

6th November 2014, 08:59

The Ku Klux Klan.

Worth joining just to find out the name of the brilliant washing powder they use!

munster

6th November 2014, 15:14

Sex after marriage?

Stupid phone / Tapatalk, apologies in advance.

True story, last week here in Ohakune for work, went to The Clyde for a Speights. It was served with a generous amount of foam. Usual me engages mouth before brain and out comes "Woah, that's more head than the wife gives me!"

Moi

6th November 2014, 16:42

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

roogazza

7th November 2014, 17:59

305114 ;):laugh:

Scuba_Steve

7th November 2014, 20:48

A true story...

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Harley instead of the Bandit ...YOU RIDE IT!!"

unstuck

7th November 2014, 21:32

Akkys missus??

https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10802011_583922848403966_5426375970988255800_n.jpg ?oh=1afc08e6afaf9ced9dc99fe7f35711e8&oe=54D88C44&__gda__=1424475597_db1c2c41485017cd6e576b07e0a431b 6

Laava

8th November 2014, 19:17

The barman says "We don't serve time travellers here".

A man walks into a bar.

"..........................
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt.
The bartender asks, "What's that for?"

The pirate responds; "Aarrr, its driving me nuts".

Maha

8th November 2014, 19:39

Akkys missus??

Only if that's mutton dressed as.....ah who am I kidding...it's mutton :killingme

Laava

8th November 2014, 20:19

Only if that's mutton dressed as.....ah who am I kidding...it's mutton :killingme

Plenty mutton up this way boyeeeeee!
Primed up, ready rolled and up for a good old basting!

gjm

8th November 2014, 20:51

I asked the wife to dress up as one of my favourite Star Wars characters for some sexy birthday fun.

When I walked into the bedroom, I was shocked.
'Darling', I said, 'that fat twat Jabba the Hutt is NOT one of my favourite Star Wars characters!'

'You wanker!' she shouted, 'I haven't got dressed yet!'

mossy1200

9th November 2014, 19:08

Anyone for lube?

Moi

9th November 2014, 19:12

Anyone for lube?

That's brilliant...

Juniper

10th November 2014, 06:46

My wife recently found out she suffers from both diabetes and hay fever.
I have tried to cheer her up by sending gifts, you know; flowers, chocolates.

'What's the worst that could happen?' read the label on that Dr Pepper.
Quite a lot, it appears. I'm diabetic.

So if jack frost is the imp of winter isnt jack frosting the imp of diabetes.

Juniper

10th November 2014, 06:47

Little Johnny had a Brother , his name was Little Bill. Now if its possible Little Bill had a worse mouth on him than Little Johnny ever did.
One morning , after countless letters from the school, innumerable embarrassing moments in places like the Grocery, the Pharmacy, the Police station and even in church, their poor mother decided to put a stop to it. She told the boys in no uncertain terms that any more foul language from them was going to be met with serious consequences. She then kissed them good night and sent them to bed.
Morning came and both Bill and Johnny came down for breakfast. Their mother asked what they would like to which Bill replied " Ma I want some fuckin pancakes"

Having warned her children the night before , Mother swung the frying pan and clocked Little Bill upside the head, hard enough to put him on his backside on the floor. Turning to Little Johnny she asked "What would you like for Breakfast?"

Johnny looked at his mother still holding the frying pan and said " Cereal is fine, cause you are obviously not in the mood to make no fuckin pancakes"

husaberg

11th November 2014, 15:42

What do you call a New Zealander who moves to Australia and becomes and international celebrity through movies, music or sport? An Australian.

Juniper

12th November 2014, 07:11

The lawyer says: "I have good news and bad news."

The CEO replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million."

The CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, that is very good news indeed! You've made my day; now what is the bad news?"

The lawyer answers: "They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary."

Juniper

12th November 2014, 08:05

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I’ve got a full time job,
To find the gosh darn thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!

Juniper

12th November 2014, 08:06

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A
three-pack of condoms is $4.99 plus the tax."

"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says, "Gawd a'
mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?

Swoop

12th November 2014, 10:32

My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities.

I said, "That's great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity."

Juniper

12th November 2014, 13:47

-Apparently being a mother is the hardest job in the world. They're probably right.
I can definitely see brain surgeons struggling to put Frozen into a DVD player.

-Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

-Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.

-Life is like a penis: women make it hard for no reason.

Juniper

13th November 2014, 08:57

A plane was carrying a load of Congressmen back to Washington when it disappeared off radar in bad weather. After frantic searching and computer modeling of the flight paths, they finally decided that it must have gone down in western Oklahoma, near the town of Watonga. The FAA then contacted the Blaine County sheriff, who, upon hearing the approximate location, figured out that it was old Fred Smith's wheat field, a particularly remote place down a partially-gravelled dirt section road.

The road was almost impassible in places, but thanks to the miracle of four wheel drive, the sheriff was able to get through. When he finally arrived on the scene, he saw the old man had just finished filling the last of about twenty graves.

"Well, Fred, it looks like something really bad happened here."

"Yup. I was out on the back forty when it started to rain, so I made for the hay barn over here. About the time I got here, I seen this plane come screamin' over the treetops, then it just plowed into my field over yonder. I recognized some of the passengers from the TV, and I saw a whole bunch of official looking papers, so I figured they must be Congressmen."

"Yep, that's what they were. I see you've buried a bunch of 'em. Are they all dead?"

"Well, a few of them claimed they wasn't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

Juniper

13th November 2014, 08:58

The police department in the small hill country town
of Fredericksburg , TX, reported finding a man's body
last Saturday in the early evening in the Pedernales
River near the state highway-87 bridge.

The dead man's name would not be released until
his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer
consumption while visiting "someone" in Kerrville. He
was wearing black fishnet stockings, 4 inch spiked
heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick,
dazzle dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes
and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his
family any unnecessary embarrassment.

Juniper

13th November 2014, 09:19

George W Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, “No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and
think I’ve been in a whorehouse.”

The second barber turned to Bush and said, “How about you sir?”

Bush replied, “Go ahead; my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”

roogazza

13th November 2014, 18:39

305304305305305307305308305309

Juniper

14th November 2014, 09:38

During my prostate exam I asked my doctor where I should put my pants.
"Over there by mine" was NOT the answer I was expecting!!!

YellowDog

14th November 2014, 19:19

mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are
really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her
friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's
license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is past surprised
and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got
a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

Swoop

15th November 2014, 15:13

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.

She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect.

...Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

husaberg

15th November 2014, 20:48

How do you spot a guy from Gore in a shoe shop
He's the one standing near the moccasins with a hard-on.

unstuck

16th November 2014, 09:16

Hmmm, Moccasins.

http://img.loveitsomuch.com/uploads/201212/03/se/sexy%20ankle%20fringe%20moccasin%20boots%20for%20g irls%20-%20flat%20fringe%20moccasin%20boots%20for%20women-f12245.jpg

Robbo

16th November 2014, 15:10

AC/DC Hits by Phil Rudd

Smifffy

16th November 2014, 18:05

A man walks in for a sale rep job. He is very qualified, but he has a nervous twitch, and his left eye is always winking.
So he speaks with the manager and the manager says, "Well sir, you are very well qualified for the job, but people have to be comfortable around a sales rep. and that eye thing is really freaky."
The man smiles and says,"Oh that, I just take some Tylenol and it goes away." So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a condom, he takes several more condoms out and finally finds some Tylenol. He takes two Tylenol and the eye twitch goes away.
The manager frowns, "Sir, I'm sorry but our company does not like womanizers. I don't like the look of all those condoms."
The man chuckles, "Oh, I'm no womanizer... but do you know how hard it is to buy Tylenol at a drug store with your eye constantly winking?"

Juniper

17th November 2014, 06:06

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren;' And poof she's gone.

The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and poof she's gone.

The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipilini..'

St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks

'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

'No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'

Juniper

17th November 2014, 09:35

I am now getting on in years and not the best looking guy anymore. Some
would even say I'm a little frayed around the edges....

But, I have a nice car, a little money, and I spend most of my time
casually traveling from place to place and enjoying life.

I met a nice looking girl in a park the other evening. There was an instant
spark between us.

All of a sudden, she did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped
to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.

As we lay there making love, I thought.....

"Wow, these Taser guns are really worth the money!!"

Swoop

17th November 2014, 18:31

Why do Jewish fathers have their sons circumcised?

They know Jewish women can't resist anything with 10% off!

Juniper

18th November 2014, 05:50

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP .

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in London has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a corner shop, a petrol station, a curry house, a taxi cab, or an old peoples home in the UK .

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with BT technical advice.

Juniper

18th November 2014, 13:24

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about
a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the Black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and
on the other end a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the Penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower,
his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African String-
and-Weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband,
"How is our little Tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, but it has turned black.

roogazza

18th November 2014, 17:34

305520305521305522305523305524

husaberg

18th November 2014, 19:56

A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt.

"Reach up there and find out."

She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's gruesome!"

"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back up
there, it'll grow some more!"

Juniper

19th November 2014, 06:43

Stewart and his wife Barbara go to the county fair every year,

And every year Stewart would say, "Barbara, I'd like to ride in that
helicopter"

Barbara always replied,

"I know Stewart, but that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy
quid is seventy quid!"

One year later Stewart and Barbara went to the fair, and Stewart said,
"Barbara, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might
never get another chance"

To this, Barbara replied,

"Stewart, that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is
seventy quid"

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you
say one word it's seventy quid. "

Stewart and Barbara agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Stewart and said, "By golly, I
did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you never did ....

I'm impressed!"

Stewart replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something
when Barbara fell out,

But you know, seventy quid is seventy quid!"

Juniper

19th November 2014, 06:44

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest! The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.

unstuck

19th November 2014, 10:18

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10647124_899165543441997_5845962109048586151_n.jpg ?oh=403bee9e338d04f8a9e9bf6c6a04c935&oe=54DB7EA4&__gda__=1424138872_06a4e8d9e677d5cf1d375991f1fc654 8

anebv8

19th November 2014, 18:57

I asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.
Both her parents, Labour supporters, were standing there, so I asked her
"If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her
parents beamed and said "Welcome to the Labour Party!"
"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I told her. "But you don't have to wait until
you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house, mow the
lawn, pull weeds, sweep my drive and I'll pay you $25. Then I'll take you
over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out. You can give him the $25 to use toward food."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the
eye and asked "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work and you can just pay him the $25?"
I smiled and said "Welcome to the National Party."
Her parents still aren't speaking to me

Juniper

20th November 2014, 05:50

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.
"What's the matter, buddy ?" asks the bartender.
"It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home.
We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her husband came in the front door! So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!''
''Gee, that's tough!'' commiserated the bartender
''Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her but he had to pee first. And the lazy sob peed out the window right onto my head!"
'Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
''Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land ? On my forehead!''
''Damn, that really is bad!''
''Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!''
''That would sure mess up any ones day."
''Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off?
When I looked down..

I saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground

Swoop

20th November 2014, 18:53

D
E
K
C
U
F

That's fucked up.

Big Dog

20th November 2014, 22:36

D
E
K
C
U
F

That's fucked up.

Any one else read that in Cheech Marins voice?

Stupid phone / Tapatalk, apologies in advance.

Drew

21st November 2014, 01:39

Any one else read that in Cheech Marins voice?

Stupid phone / Tapatalk, apologies in advance.
Not till now.

Bwahahahahahahahaha

Juniper

21st November 2014, 06:57

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Juniper

21st November 2014, 06:57

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,

"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your

hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over

there instead of you."

Juniper

21st November 2014, 06:59

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.

It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Juniper

21st November 2014, 06:59

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too." POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

Juniper

21st November 2014, 07:00

A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car.

"Did you see their face?" her friends asked when she came back inside.

"No, but it's okay -- I got the license plate number!"

roogazza

21st November 2014, 07:57

305578305579305580305581305582

roogazza

21st November 2014, 10:18

hey its friday and the weather is crap.
305583305584305585305586305587305588

Juniper

21st November 2014, 11:00

Ellen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Ellen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied:

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

anebv8

21st November 2014, 18:19

Three construction workers are having lunch on top of a high-rise being built. A chinese guy, a mexican guy, and a polish guy.

When they were eating the Chinese guy remarks, "Dang it! Dumplings again! If I get dumplings for lunch ONE MORE TIME I'm jumping off this building!!"

The mexican guy opens his lunch and complains, "TACOS! If I get tacos for lunch ONE MORE TIME I am going to jump off this building with you!"

Next the polish guy opens his lunch and sure enough, "Ham sandwiches again?! If I have ham sandwiches ONE MORE TIME I'm jumping with the two of you!"

Next day, each opened their lunches, to no surprise...Chinese guy had dumplings, he ran and jumped off the building to his death. The mexican guy had tacos, so he runs and jumps off the building too. Polish guy, as well, had ham sandwiches, follows the two other gentleman and jumps too.

A few days later their wives were together at the funeral and were talking to eachother:

Chinese guy's wife, "I feel so bad! If I had known Lin didn't like dumplings I would have made him something else."

Mexican guy's wife, "I know! If Juan had just said something, I would have sent him something other than tacos."

Polish guy's wife, "I don't get it!!! Harold has been making his own lunch for 5 years now!!!"

anebv8

21st November 2014, 18:20

So there's a bartender who has the most serious horse around. One day a man walks into his bar and goes up to the bartender and says, "Hey bartender, I bet'cha $250 I can make your horse laugh!" The bar goes deftly silent, no one had ever been able to make the horse show any sort of emotion before. The bartender says, "Alright, you're on."

The man walks up to the horse and whispers something in his ear. The horse begins to laugh hysterically. Everyone was amazed!

He walks back to the bartender and says "How about double or nothing, I can make it cry now?" Bartender responds, "Ok, I'm surprised you made it laugh, but there's no way you could make it cry all of a sudden." Man replies, "I'll need to step outside with him for this one."

He takes the horse outside for a minute or two, when he opens the door and steps back in, the horse is crying like a little baby.

Bartender gives the man $500 and asks, "Alright...you got your money. Tell us, how did you do it?"

Man simply replies, "Well, first time, I told him my wang was bigger than his. Second time, I showed it to him."

mossy1200

23rd November 2014, 08:20

This is one of the funniest things I have seen

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lw2m-iU8gKE

flashg

23rd November 2014, 12:52

This is one of the funniest things I have seen

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lw2m-iU8gKE

+1 to that. I had tears running down my face because i was laughing so hard at the end

NordieBoy

23rd November 2014, 14:06

This is one of the funniest things I have seen

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lw2m-iU8gKE

Beautifully done :Punk:

Oh, and OUCH! :bash:

Juniper

24th November 2014, 11:52

:clap: omg Ouch, Laughing so hard!!

Juniper

24th November 2014, 12:11

Q: How do you make a pool table laugh?
A: Put your hand down its pocket and tickle its balls.

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"
Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.

Juniper

24th November 2014, 12:12

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his fucking widow."

Juniper

24th November 2014, 12:13

Four friends go on holiday to South Africa - one English, one American, one French and one Chinese. While out trekking in the countryside they find some gold in the ground. The Frenchman, a geologist, realises that they have stumbled across a rich seam, suitable for a new mine.
The American happens to be a billionaire, so he buys the land with an arrangement that they split the profits four ways - The Englishman is an engineer, so is put in charge of extraction. The Chinese man is involved in import and export so is put in charge of supplies. The Frenchman is a manager, so is put in charge with overseeing the whole operation.

A year later the American returns to see how his investment is going. First he goes to the main office to see how the Frenchman is doing.
"Well," he says, "we're getting some gold out, but there seem to be some problems with the extraction. You'd better go down and see."
So the American walks down to the mine, meets the Englishman emerging from the entrance and asks him how things are going.
"Well" he says, "my boys are fine, but the Chinese guy just isn't pulling his weight. Go down there and you'll see what I mean."
So he walks down into the mine. After a couple of hundred yards it's almost pitch black down there and he can't see or hear anyone. All of a sudden the Chinese guy jumps out from behind a pillar and shouts "Supplies!"

Juniper

25th November 2014, 06:32

A little old lady is being cross-examined by the DA

D.A.: What is your age?
Woman: I am 86 years old.
D.A.: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
D.A.: Did you know him?
Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
D.A.: What happened after he sat down?
Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
D.A.: Did you stop him?
Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
D.A.: Why not?
Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner
passed away some 30 years ago.
D.A.: What happened next?
Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
D.A.: Did you stop him then?
Woman: No, I did not stop him.
D.A.: Why not?
Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive
and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
D.A.: What happened next?
Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and
said to him..."Take me ...young man...Take me!"
D.A.: Did he take you?
Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!"

...And that's when I shot the little bastard.

Juniper

25th November 2014, 06:33

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope ... but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

Juniper

25th November 2014, 06:34

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

Juniper

25th November 2014, 06:35

Little Johnny was sitting in his Sunday school class. Suddenly one of the children asked the teacher "Where does God live?" The teacher replies, "That's a good question. Does anyone know the answer?" Just then Little Johnny raises his hand and shouts out, "I do! I know where God lives!" The Sunday school teacher then asks, "OK Johnny, where do you think God lives?" "In the bathroom at my house." The Sunday school teacher is confused. So he asks Johnny, "And how do you know that?" Little Johnny replies, "Because every morning my daddy pounds on the bathroom door and says
'GOOD GOD, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?'"

Juniper

25th November 2014, 06:36

Every week the teacher asked her fifth-grade students to use different words in a sentence. This week she gave little Johnny the word “Democrats.”
“My cat just had a litter,” he said, “and all the kittens are Democrats.”
“That is very creative,” said the teacher.
The following week she called on Johnny again and asked him to use the word
“Republicans.”
“My cat just had a litter,” he said, “and all the kittens are Republicans.
The teacher said, “Now, Johnny, don’t you think you ought to use a different sentence?”
“It is different,” he replied. “They’ve opened their eyes now.”

roogazza

25th November 2014, 13:35

305880305879305878305876305874305875

husaberg

25th November 2014, 17:18

A string walks into a bar. The bartender gives him an angry glance and says “Hey, we don’t serve strings here.”
The string leaves, puts on a costume and comes back.
Once again the bartender kicks him out of the barbarbar, and says, “We don’t serve strings here!”
The string sits outside and ties himself into a knot because he badly wants a drink.
Then he begins to fray the edges of the knot so the top of his head looks like hair.
By this time, the string feels he’s made enough of a transformation to get a drink at the barbarbar.
When the string enters the barbarbar, the bartender looks at him suspiciously and says, “Hey, aren’t you that string?” The string replies: “Nope, frayed knot.”

Scuba_Steve

25th November 2014, 18:37

https://scontent-b-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/p720x720/10802032_10154843920130112_7171908249527167089_n.j pg?oh=053812b8f013fa15b5a92e9512108436&oe=551AF396

Juniper

26th November 2014, 06:31

The Vatican City has the highest rate of crime per person in the world.

Easy to believe because every person who lives there is a Catholic priest

Juniper

26th November 2014, 11:48

There was no charge brought against the officer who shot the
boy. The objectors rioted and looted, thus ensuring that they
could walk off with merchandise with no charges being brought
against their credit cards.
I guess that fits.

If the chant of the protestors was HANDS UP, DON'T SHOOT, what
was the chant of the looters, HANDS OUT, DARE YOU TO SHOOT.

bazil.

26th November 2014, 20:23

I guess old habits die hard - Everyone I know is going to be told that one

Laava

26th November 2014, 21:34

I guess old habits die hard - Everyone I know is going to be told that one

Whachoo talkin bout?

Swoop

27th November 2014, 13:10

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"
"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"
"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

roogazza

27th November 2014, 18:26

305974305975305976305977305978305979

roogazza

2nd December 2014, 10:58

The spoon:

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ' Steve’s Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

unstuck

2nd December 2014, 12:20

https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10805671_906445462714005_3517678915471633030_n.jpg ?oh=48c93fa779f7b503d968ab244324ba7f&oe=551CC1F6&__gda__=1427061838_6ad83c84f8de7baa95a647494cba241 0

roogazza

3rd December 2014, 08:16

306341306342306343306345

YellowDog

5th December 2014, 10:43

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publikenthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

husaberg

6th December 2014, 14:44

http://blog.labour.org.nz/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/johnkeystruts1.gif

unstuck

6th December 2014, 15:05

DONKEY

That is some funny shit right there, kinda suits the dude too.:laugh::laugh:

husaberg

6th December 2014, 15:40

That is some funny shit right there, kinda suits the dude too.:laugh::laugh:

Note he's wearing a magnetic armband to balance his shakras as well.....

mossy1200

6th December 2014, 22:29

http://blog.labour.org.nz/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/johnkeystruts1.gif

That's all Labour needed do last election.
Electronic billboards of DONKEY.

husaberg

6th December 2014, 22:57

That's all Labour needed do last election.
Electronic billboards of DONKEY.

you don't mince your words

Swoop

8th December 2014, 14:44

Gods don't kill people.

People with Gods kill people.

Swoop

8th December 2014, 14:47

Forward this message to 10 people, and you will get:

Fuck All
That's right, FUCK ALL!
You won't get good luck, or a nice surprise,
5 grand or a fucking holiday in Jamaica,
Just FUCK ALL.

It's true, it works
I sent it on and got FUCK ALL,
Don't break the chain!
Its the only one of these fucking things that actually works!
Send it on and get FUCK ALL!
It's fucking brilliant!

Jase H

9th December 2014, 12:49

10 Reasons Why Santa Lives In A State House:

1. He has a serial record for breaking and entering;
2. He uses various wild animals to pull his sleigh;
3. He only works once a year;
4. He's never actually been seen doing work his whole life;
5. He drinks alcohol during working hours;
6. He barely leaves his home for fear of being recognised;
7. He wears the same out of fashion clothes every day and never washes them;
8. He uses lots of different names and aliases purely for his own gain;
9. He gets letters from lots of people, all demanding that he owes them things;
10. He can get hold of all the latest designer gear, but never pays a penny for it.

Robbo

9th December 2014, 17:55

Juniper

10th December 2014, 10:12

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?’
The blonde said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.’
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.’
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.’
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!’

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.’

roogazza

10th December 2014, 17:54

Three Virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.
Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started
and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon
with a few words on their first impressions.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: "Nescafe".

Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

It said: "Great from beginning to end".

Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding,
and the card read: "Rothmans".

Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the
pack: "Super strong King Size".

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl departed for her honeymoon in Australia. Mum waited for a
week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still
nothing...

A card finally arrived from Sydney on which was written with shaky hand,
"Qantas".

Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing
the worst, and finally found the ad Qantas.

'TEN TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, IN ALL DIRECTIONS.'

Mum Fainted!!!

Juniper

11th December 2014, 06:54

I've heard there is a brand new Barbie Doll out this Christmas, called " Newly Divorced Barbie" , but this Barbie is very expensive, she comes with all of Ken's stuff.

Juniper

11th December 2014, 06:54

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed Instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?' 'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave You a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow." She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

Juniper

11th December 2014, 06:58

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I
would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty V and an iPhone 5 for
Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Jimmy Jones

Dear Jimmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract,
set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this
joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at
my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit
trite?
Respectfully,
Jim Jones

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria,
need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it
a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,
well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been
on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be
more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I
alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social
skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the
bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends
into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys
and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console,
my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
J-Bone

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees
you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar,
genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your
shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people
that if I described them right now; you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll
all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you
asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in
your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Jimmy

Jimmy,
That's what I thought you little bastard.
Santa

Juniper

11th December 2014, 06:59

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, come on baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

gjm

11th December 2014, 14:32

I said to myself this morning, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked'."

gjm

11th December 2014, 15:49

https://scontent-a-sea.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10289783_1566674253566220_915321180390367295_n.jpg ?oh=f0b154663b47fa7194843d94ac675a74&oe=5541C536

roogazza

12th December 2014, 11:18

Paddy has broken his leg, his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin?"

"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"

Swoop

12th December 2014, 19:27

What's the difference between Nazis and Muslims?

The Nazis knew how to switch a fucking shower on!

caspernz

13th December 2014, 20:46

Bride to be asks her mother on the eve of her wedding day: "How do I keep my husband happy?"

Mother replies: "It's quite simple dear, keep his stomach full and his balls empty."

roogazza

14th December 2014, 07:53

306650306651306652306653306654306655

Robbo

14th December 2014, 18:19

Learning Chinese..

Juniper

15th December 2014, 07:44

One day, years ago when I was a lad, I was home on my own when the doorbell rang. I answered the door in my school uniform with short trousers and knee socks etc. I had a glass of scotch in one hand and a lit cigar in the other. "Hello Son" said one of the two men on the doorstep. "Is your Father in?" I held up my hands and said "Does it fucking look like it?"

Juniper

15th December 2014, 07:45

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

Juniper

15th December 2014, 07:49

Little Johnny's sitting at the roadside playing. His mom looks out of the window to see him eating a couple of M&Ms, licking the family cat and then standing up, taking a couple of steps to the left and sitting down again.

Shocked, she goes out to see what he is up to. By the time she gets to him, he's done the same set of actions another four times.

"Johnny", she cries, "What are you up to?"

"I'm pretending to be a Hell's Angel," Little Johnny replied. "You know, popping pills, licking pussy and moving on.

roogazza

16th December 2014, 07:22

I met her at the Civic. I’d been Holden up the bar all night and as she walked in, I looked her Rover. I thought she seemed Familia, but that was just a Mirage. She came up to me on her own Accord. I said ”Audi”, and she told me she thought I was Galant. I lied to her and told her I was an Executive. I was just being Calais. She was quite a Starlet, wearing a nice Mini, but not like that of Hunter.
Her name was Sylvia and she was a real Trooper. I’d drunk a few Corona’s when I tried to Impreza. She told me not to Porsche it. I told her I wanted to Lancer. Turns out she was an Escort, so by her standards I wasn’t that Ford. I didn’t want to pay – she said “you don’t know what you are Nissan”. So I paid. I took her back to my place – or HQ as I like to call it. I had a Bighorn and, of course, I was an absolute Legend.
Later, when there was a Prelude, I went to see if there was any food left in the Lada.
It was a great night, but I really should have worn a condom because you see, I left her with my Legacy – a little Bambina.

Juniper

16th December 2014, 07:29

Stevie Wonder goes for radical new eye surgery to restore his sight. He spends a couple of days in hospital after the operation with bandages over his eyes, then the bandages are removed and it's a revelation to him to finally see. The doctors do some vision tests, then they hold a mirror up to his face so he can finally see himself. He let's out a scream of horror and says

"Shit, nobody told me I'm fucking BLACK".

Swoop

16th December 2014, 08:24

I was on a date with a gorgeous woman.
She said, "You're so funny. It feels so good to laugh. I haven't been able to laugh since my mother died."
I said, "You laughed when your mother died?"

roogazza

16th December 2014, 09:06

Subject: The Wife

A man walked into his bedroom and saw his wife packing a suitcase.

He asked, 'What are you doing?'

She answered, 'I'm moving to Nevada . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walked into the bedroom and saw her husband packing his suitcase.

She asked him where he was going. His reply: 'I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.'

Swoop

16th December 2014, 21:26

RiP the People's Poet.
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/G_X_7TrcHGM" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

roogazza

17th December 2014, 12:36

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

Reply, Reply all or Forward | More

gjm

17th December 2014, 15:40

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy.

When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and nervously asks, "Is there a problem?"

The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so... I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change instead of a vasectomy."

The patient is devastated and understandably shocked. He replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection?"

The surgeon pauses for a moment then says, "Well, you might, but it won't be yours......"

Swoop

17th December 2014, 20:47

New Miley Cyrus DVD: $15

Tub of Vaseline: $3

XL Box of Tissues: $2

The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay: Priceless!

Juniper

18th December 2014, 07:36

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian, passing thru from Lame Deer.

Another is a cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show.

And the third is a fundamentalist Arab student from the Middle East, newly arrived at Montana State University.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks. "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'".

Juniper

18th December 2014, 07:39

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the Door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Reckless

18th December 2014, 13:14

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife is very pretty but hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband?
“Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.”
“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what’.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”
“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”

gjm

18th December 2014, 13:20

https://scontent-a-sea.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10846494_592644114199956_6878822817641674159_n.jpg ?oh=151296dd4a457dff8b41de22b82927b1&oe=5546C5C5

unstuck

18th December 2014, 18:22

https://scontent-b-sea.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10167927_10204197084819856_6702819641011611565_n.j pg?oh=cd70226287618a7d27fd7f05de64d8e5&oe=5546C1AB

Robbo

18th December 2014, 19:44

A new angle on funerals..:niceone:

gjm

18th December 2014, 19:59

A new angle on funerals..:niceone:

Just needs another ad for pie sales, and he's sorted.

roogazza

19th December 2014, 11:26

306757306758306759306760306761

BigAl

23rd December 2014, 12:54

The wife said to me last night. “If you turn the bedside lamp off
I'll take it up the arse”.

Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

Swoop

23rd December 2014, 17:58

Terrorist news.

Bin Laden's close friend, Bin Lorry, kills six in Glasgow.

pete376403

23rd December 2014, 19:50

...... in Sydney, and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim.
Two Fosters beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to America next month," says John. "We go to America every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim ?"
Jim agrees.

"Ah, America!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ... New York, L.A, Vegas ..."

"Nah, we don't like that American crap," says John. "Meat pies and Fosters beer, that's us, eh Jim ?
And we can't stand the Yanks - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to America?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

Swoop

26th December 2014, 14:16

If you're just getting up, leisurely opening your presents and generally enjoying your Christmas Day, spare a thought for the less fortunate at this special time of year and the hardships they have to endure.
People with kids.

My son has just asked me why his friends Aziz and Tariq didn't get any Christmas presents off Santa, so I told him "Son, you're 10 years old now and you're old enough to know the truth about Santa....He fucking hates Muslims"

An arsonist set fire to a mosque in Sweden on Christmas Day, injuring five people. Fire crews fought for 15 hours to put the fire out.
"Our water pistol just wasn't powerful enough" said the chief fire officer.

100 years ago today England played Germany in a historic football match in No-Mans Land.
Or as it is more popularly known, France...

A woman just dropped a $20 note next to me. I thought, "What would Jesus do?" So I turned it into wine... Well, I bought wine.