Friday jokes

[Laava]

My neighbour knocked at my door at 3am this morning! Can you believe it? 3am :scratch:



Luckily, I was still up playing my drums !

[Laava]

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens centre . After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique-gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations".

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:

"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch --- Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized and then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

"SHIT" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Old Peoples' Home. Claude was never invited there again.

[Laava]

There were three women; a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.

The brunette says: "You'll never guess what I found in my daughters handbag yesterday when she got home from school! I found a Gun, I can't believe she's a criminal!"

Then the redhead replies: "God! In my daughters bag I found a bag off drugs! I can't believe she uses drugs!"

Finally the blonde says: "I found a condom in my daughters bag! I can't believe she has a penis!"

[Laava]

Can the Scots here verify?

A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

'£85 pounds for an extraction sir', the dentist replied.

'85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?'

'That's the normal charge', said the dentist.

'Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?'

'That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock £15 off.

Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?

I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop by £20'

'How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?'

'It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5 pounds but it will be traumatic.'

'Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal,' said the Scotsman. 'Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?'

[Laava]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

'I'm not sure what to do,' says the devil. 'You're on my list but I have no room for you.'

'But,' he continues, 'As you definitely have to stay here I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide which one you want.'

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Margaret Thatcher and a large pool of water. She kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was her fate in hell.

'No!' George said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

'No!' commented George. 'I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.'

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, 'Yeah, Oh yeah boy! I reckon I can sure handle this.'

The devil smiled and said;
...
...
...
...

...

...

...



...
...
...
...

...

...

...


'OK Monica, you're free to go!'

[Laava]

A politician, a reporter and a Soldier were captured by ISIS and told they were to be beheaded. All 3 were offered a last request before the deed was done. The politician asked that he could hear "the international" one last time. A recording of the communist anthem was duly found and played out to the teary-eyed leftie. The reporter requested that he be allowed to address the camera used to record the executions so that he got his face on TV even after he died. The terrorists agreed to this. The Soldier simply asked that each of the terrorists present gave him a kick up the arse before he was beheaded. Bemused, they did as he asked. As the last extremist boot went in, the Signaller pitched forward, rolled, whipped out the Browning 9mm he had concealed in his trousers and started shooting till he ran out of ammo. Grabbing an AK47 from the dead terrorist, he calmly finished off his would-be executioners before pulling out a Cuban cigar and lighting it from his hot gun barrel. The amazed reporter and politician thanked the Soldier profusely but were puzzled as to why he had asked for the arse-kicking before he performed his heroics.
"Well", says the Soldier, "when we get back to the UK, I can't have you two stringing me up for an unprovoked attack".

[Laava]

Quote
My small grandson got lost in the Westfield Centre. He approached a security guard and said, "I've lost my granda"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little shit hesitated for a moment and then replied, "A pint of beer and women with big tits."

:shock: lol

[Laava]

Rod Stewart, Tom Jones and Elton John are walking down the road reminiscing about the good old days. Rod says to Tom “Are you still getting loads of knickers thrown at you? Tom replies “Nah, too old now, that’s all gone. Are you still getting loads of fit models throwing themselves at you”? Rod replies “Nah that’s all gone too”. Just then they see Kylie Minogue walking towards them who suddenly trips over, gets her head stuck in some railings with her arse pointing upwards. Rod says to Tom “Do you fancy some of that Tom” Tom replies “Phwoar not arf” Both Rod and Tom then have their wicked way with Kylie. Rod then turns to Elton “ Do you not fancy some of this Elton?” Elton replies “I’d love to lads but I don’t think my head would fit in the railings”

[roogazza]

320285320286320287320288320289320290

[anebv8]

A guy stole my car last night and as I was calling the police I thought fuck it I'll let him explain the bodies in the trunk

[oldrider]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fixem, put em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, whispering to the mechanic....."Try doing it with the engine running!" :scooter:

[5150]

Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

A football player, an illegal immigrant, and a Muslim are in a car whose driving?
The Police Officer.

What's black and always in the back of a police car?
The seat.

Female Police Officer: "Anything you say can or will be held against you."
Me: "Tits."

Police: "Open up!" ...
Me: "NO! You're gonna yell at me

(Police sirens)
Police: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Me: "Because you were bored and wanted someone to talk to?

Cop: "Were going to have to give you a drug test."
Me: "Cool, which drugs are we testing?"

[YellowDog]

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of hummus and taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA.

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

A policeman stopped a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway. The policeman said "Do you know the limit is 70?" The driver leant into the back and said: "Hear that - 3 of you have got to get out!”

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them. "Bugger that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt . Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both are in hospital - One's in a korma ... The other's got a dodgy tikka!

In the first few days of the Olympics, eastern Europeans took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

The sailing results are in: USA took gold, GB took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.

An elderly couple are in church. About halfway through the service, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[Moi]

Did think of putting this in General Maintenance... but thought better of it :eek5:

Tool Ed101

Many tools don't come with instructions - this may help.

Phillips screwdrivers come in several forms (like cheese): sharp, medium and blunt. They are designed to tear out the head of any screw, and to open cans of brake fluid. Use the sharp one on the can of brake fluid, the blunt one will cause squirts of fluid to seek out and destroy any painted surface within range.

Electric drills are useful to find out how fast a pop-rivet has to be spun in order to then need the next size rivet, Also, electric drills can turn Chinese drill bits a really pretty blue.

Vice-grips can turn tubing into flat strip, eliminating that empty space in the middle. Also they can be used to hold stuff to other stuff while drilling the wrong sized holes in the wrong place, again.

Portable grinders are able to find eyeballs, nose-hair and anything else flammable with those pretty sparks. They usually come with guards that get in the way, so are discarded, and lost.

A drill-press should be powerful enough to grab that metal bar out of your (soon to be bloody stump) hand, spin at mega-revs, inches from your belly, family jewels or throat, depending on your height, before flying off towards the most expensive item in your workshop. Failing that it will fly through the closest window into your neighbour's (the one you don't like) classic Yugo, causing $30 damage and almost totalling it.

Air wrenches are used to break bolts and make really cool noises, like a tyre-shop, wheee-wheee.

A tool box is a thing of mystery where the tool you looked for yesterday, and couldn't find, is now right on top! Also any adhesives in the box will burst open gluing all your favourite tools into one big lump. Also any tool you put in the drawers will swell up so you can no longer open that drawer, till the swelling goes down.

Box cutters, with a 1-inch blade will cut 3 inches into whatever came in that cardboard box you are opening.

Wire strippers will only cut both wire and insulation until the wire is now too short.

Hose cutters will always cut hoses too short.

Hammers are handy gadgets to bend nails and put dents in things.

If your soldering iron starts burning your hand hold the other end.

Worn-out six point sockets can be sold as 'barn-find' Whitworth sockets.

Electrical testers can 'let the smoke out' of any device connected to it, and can be used to start fires without matches.

Rotating wire brushes remove finger prints (from fingers) and fling little bits of wire into eye-balls.

Magnets are used to remove little bits of wire from eyeballs, and have fun with grandma's pacemaker.

Hacksaws will cut anything, but not straight.

Funnels, little end down, usually get the stuff all over the bench.

[gjm]

Here's an idea for a totally unethical reality show.

11 gay men and 1 straight man are locked in a house.
The object for the gay men is to find out who isn't gay.
Once a week someone gets outvoted, until 2 are left, *or* the straight man is out.
If the gay men manage to vote the straight guy out, they win 1 million dollars.
If the straight man is one of the last 2 people in the house, he wins 1 million dollars.



Like any reality show we need a twist. A gamechanger.
How about... None of the men are actually gay: they all think they are the one straight guy...?

[RGVforme]

Here's an idea for a totally unethical reality show.

11 gay men and 1 straight man are locked in a house.
The object for the gay men is to find out who isn't gay.
Once a week someone gets outvoted, until 2 are left, *or* the straight man is out.
If the gay men manage to vote the straight guy out, they win 1 million dollars.
If the straight man is one of the last 2 people in the house, he wins 1 million dollars.



Like any reality show we need a twist. A gamechanger.
How about... None of the men are actually gay: they all think they are the one straight guy...?


Been done in 2004.....Show was called... Playing it straight...with various spin offs...:2thumbsup.

[roogazza]

320624320625320626320627320628

[5150]

320637320638320639320640320641

[oldrider]

A (nameless KB'r :ride: ) FANCIES A GOOD NIGHT KISS!

One night a KB guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you..."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's older sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says: "Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or otherwise I can do it... or if need be Mum says she can come down herself and do it... But for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!" :love:

[Moi]

A (nameless KB'r :ride: ) FANCIES A GOOD NIGHT KISS!

One night a KB guy takes his girlfriend home...

But for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!" :love:

Not all technology has made life easier... :laugh::laugh::laugh:

[Smifffy]

Not all technology has made life easier... :laugh::laugh::laugh:

I dunno about that, he got parental & sibling approval, as well as 2 good leads if he's denied....

[Moi]

I dunno about that, he got parental & sibling approval, as well as 2 good leads if he's denied....

True... but did he get first choice?

[oldrider]

True... but did he get first choice?

He might be right into sloppy seconds! :eek: - That was a good offer he got even by today's standards! :lol:

[idb]

True... but did he get first choice?

He's a KBer...he doesn't care.

[Swoop]

"Booze Bus".

What an utter joke. I specifically ordered a dry martini and then waited ages without a waitress delivering.
1:10. Would not order there again.

(The 1 point was only for their convenient drive-through and central Auckland location)

[5150]

14 Reasons to live in Auckland ....



1. Satan worshipping residents of Auckland are spared
unnecessary anguish and discomfort when they die because the
transition to hell is hardly noticeable.
2. Auckland has fewer syllables than Wellington so that
Aucklanders can spell it.
3. People who can't get in to Wellington have to have somewhere
to live.
4. Economies of scale dictate that it is economically optimal
for all pretentious posers with annoying inflections and stupid
haircuts to be in the same place.
5. Auckland has such a wide variety of social, economic and
cultural groupings that you can fit in no matter what kind of dork
you are.
6. Aucklanders do lots of quaint self affirming things like
calling their league team the "Warriors" and giving their otherwise
staid lives a hint of danger by referring to Mt Eden, Mt
Wellington, and Rangitoto as "volcanoes" even though they have been
extinct for 3 million years.
7. Auckland's town planners thoughtfully laid out Auckland over
a large area so that when you are in Auckland the statistical
chances of running into an Aucklander are as low as possible.
8. Believing that City Life is a quality New Zealand drama and
that Shortland Street is a showcase for up and coming New Zealand
talent doesn't seem so ridiculous when everyone else thinks so too.
9. The Auckland Rugby Union names its team after a
colour just in case they had any deaf supporters.
10. Auckland is the nation's Prozac. People who don't live in
Auckland use that fact to ward off depression.
11. Auckland is vital to New Zealand's defence against alien
invasion. Invading space monsters will go straight to our largest
urban centre thinking it is actually important in some way. While
the aliens waste their time assaulting our decoy the rest of us
will have time to organise a counter strike. This aspect of
Auckland has taken on added significance since the discovery of
life on Mars.
12. People form Kaitaia need somewhere to go for petrol on their
way to Wellington.
13. Aucklanders have recovered from their feelings of phallic
inadequacy by erecting a 40 storey pole with a knob on top in the
middle of the city.
14. Auckland fulfils an important role in Maori mythology.
Maori legend has it that the North Island is the fish of Maui.
Wellington is the head and mouth of Maui's fish, New Plymouth and
Gisborne are its fins and Auckland is its arsehole.

[5150]

WESTIE OLYMPICS



(you might have to be an Aucklander for this one....)

WAITAKERE CITY - OLYMPICS 2016
In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic
committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2016, the
organisers of Waitakere City's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and
schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY.
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
city (preferably from the New Lynn area), wearing the traditional balaclava.
The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof
of the stadium.

THE EVENTS.
In previous Olympic games, Waitakere's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT.
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

100 METRES HURDLES.
As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges, gardens,
fences, walls etc.).

HAMMER THROW.
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer (claw, sledge etc)
The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm
to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING.
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and
jewellery as possible in 5 mins.

SHOOTING.
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The
first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,
competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securitas
style wages delivery man.

BOXING.
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will
take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Lion Red
while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets
home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS.
Competitors will be asked to break into the Kelston Boy's bike shed
and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the
country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT.
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian
rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON.
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and
arson.

THE MARATHON.
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with
sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.

SWIMMING.
Competitors will be thrown off a bridge over the Whau Creek. The first
three survivors back will decide the medals.

MENS 50KM WALK.
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee
the safety of anyone walking the streets of Waitakere City.

GYMNASTICS.
Will now be held in an abandoned meat works, and will include carcass
vaulting and swinging from meat hooks.

RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS.
All competitors will be graded on their ability to sway drunkenly to Metallica

RELAY.
Involves four competitors removing an appliance of their choice from a house
in New Lynn and getting back to Henderson using at least four stolen cars.

WRESTLING.
The rules will now specify that competitors must be topless and jelly will be involved.

BASEBALL.
Requires contestants to line up with steel baseball bats. The medal will be
awarded to the last man standing.

DISCUS.
Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a Holden and
throw it to his mate the fastest.

ROWING.
The 500 metre skull will be changed to the 500 litre skull and promises to
be the most hotly contested event. Many, many, many athletes are currently in training.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY.
Entertainment will include formation rave-dancing by the members of the
Titirangi Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised
rock throwing and music by the Henderson Community Choir. The Olympic
flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine
onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium.
The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into
it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

[5150]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, hewould get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'
'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f****d if he needed glasses.:lol

[5150]

Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
A: Because she was a woman

I hate sexism. Sexism is wrong. And being wrong is for women.

Q: How do you know if a woman is about to say something smart?
A: She starts out with, "A man once told me...."

Q: How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A: None. It should be already open by the time she brings it.

[YellowDog]

100% Effective

http://falfn.com/CrusaderRabbit/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Screen-Shot-2016-04-01-at-7.27.54-AM.png

[husaberg]

............................

[anebv8]

When my wife left,I was sad,upset and lonely.
Since then,I've got a dog,bought a new motorbike,shagged 2 woman and spent a grand on drugs and beer.

She's going to go fucking mental when she get's home from work. :crazy:

[Smifffy]

When my wife left,I was sad,upset and lonely.
Since then,I've got a dog,bought a new motorbike,shagged 2 woman and spent a grand on drugs and beer.

She's going to go fucking mental when she get's home from work. :crazy:

No imagination. A good tear jerking story about the dog might get you a good blowie. No reason she needs to know about the rest. ;)

[husaberg]

I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

[roogazza]

320836320837

[Swoop]

St. Peter was standing there, beside Heaven's Door, when he suddenly felt he needed to go to the toilet, so asked Jesus to stand in for a few minutes....
Jesus said: "Any special thing that I should be aware of...???"
"Not actually.....well, if you see anyone coming in, please ask his name, age, address, etc.... and ask him to please hold on some minutes...", replied St. Peter...

Some fifteen minutes later, an old, white bearded, hunched gent, came to the doors and asked to get in.....
"Your name, Sir?"...asked Jesus...
"Can't remember..."... said the old gent....
"Your hometown.?"
"Can't remember..."
"Age...?"
"Can't remember..."

"Well.....do you remember anything from your previous life?"

"Oh, yes, insolent rascal.......I remember I lived in a very small town......I remember I worked as a carpenter........and even more, I remember I had a very well known son, wich everyone loved and appreciated..."

With tears in his eyes, Jesus cried......."DAD, OH, DAD....!!!!!"

The old man replied.....


"Pinocchio....!!!!!!"

[5150]

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit ..."

Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? They steal all the green cards.

Father's day, the most confusing day in the ghetto.

Why dont blacks celibrate thanksgiving? KFC isnt open on holidays.

What would martin luther king be if he was white? Alive.

Why is there cotton in pill bottles? To remind black people that they were cotton pickers before drug dealers.

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

What did the little Mexican boy get for christmas? My bike.

Why wasnt there any blacks in the flintstones? Because they were still monkeys.

How can you tell when the Mexicans have moved into your neighborhood? The Blacks get car insurance.

[husaberg]

http://40.media.tumblr.com/91aca89fb552f12bbb6b5cd2027c26e0/tumblr_nq63wdCamo1rnuzv2o1_500.jpg

[Banditbandit]

Job Interview

Interviewer: What would you consider is your greatest weakness?
Applicant: Honesty.
Interviewer: I don't think honesty is a weakness.
Applicant: I don't give a flying fuck what you think!

[anebv8]

If you are 36, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd

[roogazza]

320947320948

[Swoop]

A man and his wife were at a family wedding. The man came back from the bar with two glasses of whisky and set one down in front of her.

"What's this?" she asked, surprised. "I asked you for a sweet sherry!"

"Never mind that," said the man. "Drink it!"

She picked up the glass and sniffed it warily. Then she took a tiny sip and instantly screwed up her face. "That's disgusting!" she exclaimed.

"Exactly!" said the man. "And you think that when I'm out with my mates every night, drinking that, I'm enjoying myself!"

[anebv8]

Took my rotty to the vet yesterday because he was cross eyed,
"well",said the vet,"let's have a look at him."
He picks him up and examines at his teeth and then his eye's.
Finally he say's "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What! Why?" I ask," because he's cross eyed?"
"No" says the vet,"because he's very heavy" :facepalm:

[Swoop]

HOW THE MILITARY HAS CHANGED OVER THE YEARS...

1945 - NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
2016 - everyone has an internet access computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.

1945 - we painted pictures of girls on aircraft to remind us of home.
2016 - they put the real thing in the cockpit.

1945 - your girlfriend was at home praying you would return alive.
2016 - she is in the same trench praying your condom worked.

1945 - if you got drunk off duty your mates would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.
2016 - if you get drunk they slap you in rehab and ruin your career.

1945 - you were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
2016 - you spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you're out of ammo.

1945 - canteens were made of steel, and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
2016 - canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat anything in them, and they always taste like plastic.

1945 - officers were professional soldiers first and they commanded respect.
2016 - officers are politicians first and beg not to be given a wedgie.

1945 - they collected enemy intelligence and analysed it.
2016 - they collect your pee and analyse it.

1945 - if you didn't act right, the Sergeant Major put you in the cells until you straightened up.
2016 - if you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.

1945 - medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
2016 - medals are awarded to people who work at headquarters.

1945 - you slept in barracks like a soldier.
2016 - you sleep in a dormitory like university students..

1945 - you ate in a mess, which was free, and you could have all the food you wanted.
2016 - you eat in a dining facility, every slice of bread costs, and you better not take too much.

1945 - we defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan.
2016 - we come up short against Iraq, Libya and Afghanistan.

1945 - if you wanted to relax, you went to the pub, played darts, smoked and drank beer.
2016 - you go to the community centre, and you can play darts.

1945 - if you wanted beer and conversation you went to the NCO or Officers' Club.
2016 - the beer will cost you, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink.

1945 - the naafi had bargains for soldiers who didn't make much money.
2016 - you can get better and cheaper merchandise at Lidl.

1945 - we could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets.
2016 - we are wearing the Nazi helmets.

1945 - we called the enemy names like "Jerries" and "Nips" because we didn't like them.
2016 - we call the enemy the "opposing force" or "aggressor" because we don't want to offend them.

1945 - victory was declared when the enemy was defeated and all his things were broken.
2016 - victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.

1945 - a commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
2016 - a commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.

1945 - wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories.
2016 - wars are planned by politicians with lots of equivocating.

1945 - we were fighting for survival, and the country was committed to winning.
2016 - we don't know what we're fighting for, and the government is committed to social programs (used to be called 'socialism').

1945 - all you could think about was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
2016 - all you can think about is getting out and becoming a civilian again.

[Ocean1]

HOW THE MILITARY HAS CHANGED OVER THE YEARS...

Many years ago, in deepest Otago there was a military training camp.

There were three long drops at one end of the camp, with a sign each, saying "OFFICERS", "MEN" and "OTHER RANKS".

To this day I wonder...

[slofox]

Donald Trump on the campaign trail?

321055

[slofox]

Take your pick...

321056

[Swoop]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple were lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'..

[Smifffy]

http://www.kappit.com/img/pics/201602_2247_ifbbe_sm.jpg

{nice one bro}

[awa355]

What! no Crusher, or Helen Clarke?, or any kiwi female politician for that matter. :nono::nono:

http://www.unmotivating.com/25-most-gorgeous-female-politicians/?utm_c1=A&utm_c2=254111&utm_c3=A_5499393&utm_c4=105160&utm_source=nativeads_

[Swoop]

As a tribute to Prince after his sudden death, my local pub is laying on a wake where you can drink and eat all night for under $20.
I for one will make sure I'm going to party like its $19.99!

[YellowDog]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/9d/1c/11/9d1c11081b07c795c1d14847ee76d35e.jpg
____________________

[anebv8]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.

[anebv8]

Walk next to a minority if you're shoplifting. When the alarm goes off, guess who they're going to check?

When you're having a rough day and you'd like to blow off some steam, flip off a baby. The baby can't fight back, and the gesture is cathartic.

Always carry fart spray in your car. In the case that you get pulled over by a cop, tell him you have IBS. If he doesn't budge, while he's back in his cruiser entering your information, pull out a jar of Nutella and rub it on your fingers as proof. Say, "Please, officer, please," while holding your stomach. He'll let you off. If he doesn't, he's Satan in the flesh.

If you're in a crowded bar and there's no place to sit, hit on a hot girl. Tell her that you like the way she smells and that she has a pretty mouth. She will leave, and you can take her seat.

[roogazza]

321410321411321412321413

[bbnet]

My buddy has a fetish for performing cunnilingus on women over 80. I asked him what it's like and he replied, "Ahhh, that Depends!"

[awayatc]

My buddy has a fetish for performing cunnilingus on women over 80. I asked him what it's like and he replied, "Ahhh, that Depends!"

Feel sorry for you if this is considered to be a joke where you are from.....

[YellowDog]

A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.

So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab.

He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy.

He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The Arab asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

[Jase H]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYslEzHbpus

[YellowDog]

_________________________________

[roogazza]

321532321533321534

[husaberg]

321550321551321552321553321554321555

[husaberg]

Its obviously a joke right....

321577

[sidecar bob]

Its obviously a joke right....

321577

Bad acid. The same shit Craig Vetter was taking in the '70's.

[husaberg]

Bad acid. The same shit Craig Vetter was taking in the '70's.

Vetter stuff fitted better than that, both stylistically and ergonomically,
Btw have you ever seen the original version of the X75
I'm not talking the production version (BSA/Triumph buggered up the forks.)
Pretty sure from memory he had a Meitise like you do as well.
But yeah that windjammer stuff was pretty vile.
321578

[bbnet]

Feel sorry for you if this is considered to be a joke where you are from.....

Let me make it up to you by hooking you up with my ex-girlfriend of twelve years ... well to be honest, she turns thirteen in a week.

[Laava]

Let me make it up to you by hooking you up with my ex-girlfriend of twelve years ... well to be honest, she turns thirteen in a week.

That is pretty good, :yes::wings:but there is a sick jokes thread too you know for these "not to everyones taste" jokes.

[YellowDog]

Too windy!

[anebv8]

may have been posted before..but.....

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
.
-
-
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their perfect vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
.
.
.
.Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
.
.
Question: Who was the survivor?
.
.
.
.
.
.Answer:
The perfect woman survived.
She's the only one who really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
.
.
.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving.
This explains why there was a car accident.
-
-
-
-By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point:
Women NEVER fucking listen !!!

[anebv8]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$ 250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '$ 750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boy's' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'..
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!

[EJK]

<img src="http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=321777&stc=1&d=1463898792" />

[husaberg]

http://i4.mirror.co.uk/incoming/article128208.ece/ALTERNATES/s615/pippa-middleton-image-2-636589474.jpg


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ozsXk-j51z4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIwf59tijOc

[idb]

Its obviously a joke right....

321577

The pipes let it down a bit.

[Maha]

The pipes let it down a bit.

On the up side, the pillion has for once got the better seat it would seem.

[husaberg]

The pipes let it down a bit.
It does have decent Excell rims.
It reminds me of that bubble sidecar in Mad Max. Actually that's kind of what it really needs.
http://somoscontingentes.com.s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/somoscontingentes.com/uploads/2015/11/07112112/madmax-1.jpg

[anebv8]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm...."I'd like to buy a horth" he says "What sort of horse?" said the owner."A female horth," the owner shows him a mare."Nithe horth," says the dwarf."Can i thee her eyth?" owner picks him up shows the eyes,"Nith eyth",says the dwarf,"Can i thee her teeth?" owner picks him up shows the teeth."Nith teeth," he says,"Now can i see her twot?" the owner picks him up and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina,pulls him out.The dwarf shakes his head and says,"Perhaps i should weewaze that..."Can i see her wun awound?"

[anebv8]

Just wanted to let you all know that I had a terrible accident today, but I am doing better now. I decided today to go horseback riding which I haven't done in years. Well, I go on the horse and started out slow, and then we went a little faster and then we were going as fast as the horse could do. All of a sudden I fell off and caught my foot in the stirrup and the horse was dragging me around in a circle. If it weren't for a quick thinking man (I owe my life to) I would probably not have made it. Thank goodness the store manager at The Warehouse came out and unplugged the machine. :facepalm::doh:

[anebv8]

During one of his campaign trips, Donald Trump is visiting an elementary school and goes into one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks Mr. Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "Tragedy." So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Mr. Trump, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted businessman. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr. Trump searches the room."Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, a boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Mr. Trump, "That's absolutely right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.

[anebv8]

Three Toronto surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed..



One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Ontario. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident;

I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.



The second surgeon said.. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident;

I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics.



The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs”. Several years ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuana

and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour.

All I had left to work with was the man's blonde hair and the Horse's ass.

I was able to put them together and now he's running for President of the U.S.A!"

[Black Knight]

Little Johnny had blown up a balloon and was bouncing it around the house annoying the hell out of his Mom.She insisted he put it away while she went off to the shops,but no,as soon as she was gone out it comes again and Johnny bounced it so hard it went into the bathroom and down into the toilet bowl-no way was Johnny going to retrieve it from that place.Mum arrives home and is busting for a dump,sits on the toilet and its a runny one,stands up to wipe and notices this large shit bubble in the pan.She rings her doctor explaning this thing who comes right over to investigate.He is down on his knees investigating,pricks the bubble with his pen and it explodes covering him with crap.
"Well" says the Doc ''in all my 30 years of practice I have never actually seen a fart"

[bbnet]

Breaking News from France: Marcel Marceau was arrested yesterday for unspeakable acts but has yet to make a public comment.






http://jokes4laugh.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/Sick-Jokes-2.jpg

http://www.arrse.co.uk/community/attachments/screenshot_263-jpg.32822/

[YellowDog]

Health & Safety

[anebv8]

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need some help?” I asked.

She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?”

“Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?” I asked.

“No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk.”

[anebv8]

Teacher: what does the feathered chicken give you?

Student: Eggs.

Teacher: Very good,now what does the pink pig give you?

Student: Bacon.

Teacher: Great! Now what does the fat cow give you?

Student: Homework :innocent:

[YellowDog]

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!

Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.

All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies and have sex with hookers while I work so hard to pay our bills.

Since our daughter went away to college and then got married, he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless



Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States!

[husaberg]

<div style="background-color:#000000;width:648px;"><div style="padding:4px;width:640;height:360"><iframe src="http://media.mtvnservices.com/embed/mgid:arc:video:comedycentral.com:ca125632-4fd0-4237-991d-82b761c490bc" width="640" height="360" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><p style="padding: 4px; text-align: left; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin-top: 4px; margin-bottom: 0px; background-color: white;"><b><a href="http://www.cc.com/shows/the-daily-show-with-trevor-noah">The Daily Show with Trevor Noah</a></b><br>Get More: <a href="http://www.cc.com/shows/the-daily-show-with-trevor-noah/full-episodes">The Daily Show Full Episodes</a>,<a href="https://www.facebook.com/thedailyshow">The Daily Show on Facebook</a>,<a href="http://www.cc.com/shows/the-daily-show-with-trevor-noah/video-clips">The Daily Show Video Archive</a></p></div></div>

[pete376403]

Of course -how else is Trump going to appeal to the southern white males?

[bbnet]

My new girlfriend, Eileen (who sadly lost one of her legs in a scooter accident), recently got a tattoo of a beautiful conch shell on her inner thigh. When you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean!

[roogazza]

In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

“The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes
you above the rest of us. Look at me… I’m me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood.
What do you say to that?”

The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looked over his glasses and replied, “How very sporting of your mother!”

[YellowDog]

A woman in her fifties is happily jumping up and down on her bed a squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and then asks "Do you realise just how ridiculous you look? What the hell's a matter with you?"

The woman continues bouncing up and down on the bed and states: "I don't care what you think. I just returned from having a mammogram and my doctor tells me I have the breasts of an 18 year old."

The husband replies: "What did he say about your 55 year old arse?"

She replies, "He never mentioned you at all."

:laugh:

[anebv8]

Two indigenous Australians were driving their well used and abused old EH Holden wagon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police "booze bus".

Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'Gidday brudders! Two cold cans of Emu Export, tanks!'

The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube!'

The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in ta dat fing, I gotta a letter from me doctor in Alice Springs saying dat I'm asthmatic

and I'll pass out if I blow inta dat.'

The cop smirked and said 'OK, in that case, we require you to give us a blood sample.'

'Nah, nah sorry, boss,' replied the driver. 'Can't be doin' that eifer. Got a letter from the Red Cross in Darwin sayin' that I'm a haemophiliac and I could bleed to deaf rel quick if I gave a blood sample. Nah, sorry, boss, can't do that!'

By now the copper was getting very irate so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.

The driver shook his head and said

'Nah, sorry boss, can't do that eifer.'

The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that as well!!!'

'Blood oath, mate!' says the driver,

'It's from Tony Abbott , the Prime Minister of this lovely Country of Australia . He's apologised, and it says that you whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!

[anebv8]

There was a documentary on the telly about vegetarian cavemen.
Apparently they died out earlier than the cavemen who ate meat.
They didn't starve though.
They got killed by the meat-eaters for fucking constantly wittering on about why they became vegetarians.

[anebv8]

I was watching this crippled man in a wheelchair and he caught me staring at him. He said, "What are you staring at? I can do things better than you do. My arms are stronger than your legs".
I said, "I can run and masturbate at the same time".

[anebv8]

If I was a woman in a locker room, I'd walk around naked with a doll's arm sticking out of my vagina, and bask in all the horrified stares.

[anebv8]

I've just been speaking to the ex-wife about my visiting rights with our kids.
She says I can see them two Sundays a month.
But I think I can haggle her down to just once.

[anebv8]

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?”
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”
The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked, railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
“And now, Sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

[bbnet]

Q: How do you rescue a one armed blonde hanging in a tree?

A: Wave to her.

[roogazza]

322525322526

[roogazza]

322563322564

[YellowDog]

The UK left the EU, now Australia is leaving the AU.
322658
It's how they already say it :yes:

[ellipsis]

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies,
"Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain
from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".

"Fuck off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the fucking piano?"

"Pardon?" says the manager.

"Fucking deaf as well are we? You little piece of sniveling shit, show us your pissing piano."

"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I fucking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

"I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

"I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

"And what's this called?" asks the manager.

"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress,
her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively
on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'.
He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...

"Where's that bloody pianist?"

He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.
The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:

"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?".

"Know it," the pianist replies, "I fucking wrote it!"

[Maha]

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe."

Bullshit, Katman would never visit such an establishment.

[Katman]

I do play the piano though.

[husaberg]

More likely your organ
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/d5/5e/85/d55e853ad512fcc9031c0530bf81da92.jpg

[Banditbandit]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man, is something bothering you?"

"Negatory, ma'am, just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

[slofox]

Out for a ride this morning and came across a roadside sign. It said "School Children - Please Slow Down"

I thought "Don't apply to me, I ain't been a school children for yonks." So I booted it.

[YellowDog]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'A chance to win 'Free Sex' with Every Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up.

Again Paddy asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.. My wife won twice last week.'

[EJK]

This made me giggle so I guess I can post it here?

http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/crime/81884111/christchurch-souvlaki-shop-employee-unfazed-by-armed-robber

A perfect example of zero fucks given!

[roogazza]

322908322909322910

[YellowDog]

Bobby Charlton was asked how he thought the England team of '66 would have done against Iceland.
"It would be a hard game but I think we'd have won one nil! " he said.
"Only 1-0?" Said the reporter.
"Yes," said Bobby. "Most of us are in our 70's now!"

[roogazza]

323050323051323052

[anebv8]

Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.

"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Johnny.

"Nope," replied Jimmy.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?"

Again Jimmy said, "Nope."

"You didn't steal it, did you?" asked Johnny.

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty''. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.

His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily, "What do you want now?"

"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

[anebv8]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

[Swoop]

The local news has just reported that a coachload of stuntmen on their way to a convention, has crashed through the side of a bridge support into a ravine, rolled over six times into a river and then exploded into flames.
There were no injuries.



And in another unconnected incident a coachload of Japanese tourists were held up by an armed robber at a local motorway service station.
There have been no arrests as yet, but Police have 948 pictures of the suspect.

[anebv8]

On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?

[anebv8]

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies: "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of my church for the last forty-three years."
St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

[YellowDog]

What do you call a visionary hen that can't stop staring at a letuce?

[Laava]

What do you call a visionary hen that can't stop staring at a letuce?

Go on then...

[YellowDog]

Go on then...

What do you call a visionary hen that can't stop staring at a letuce?

A Chicken Caesar Salad :rofl:

[roogazza]

323255323256

[anebv8]

A couple was having sex in bedroom when suddenly their 12 year old son walked in.
Parents thought that he's probably too young to know about these nasty things and decided to hide it from him by switching the topic.

So, they tell him that they were doing some research work related to medical science and they want him to stand in the balcony and keep telling them what's going on outside. Son followed their parent's command.

10 minutes later, he started to describe the things he was seeing.

Son: John is buying fruits, Tina is playing, Steve is standing under a tree and your neighborhood friend Michael is banging the shit out of his wife..

Dad (surprised): What? Why would you say that? Is he doing it openly?

Son: No, I haven't seen him but his son is also standing in the balcony.

[anebv8]

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?"
The bartender replies "$1".
The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for dessert?"
The Bartender replies "$5".
The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".
The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".
The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"

The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

[anebv8]

One day this guy comes to work at a sex toy shop. His boss leaves for the day and puts him in charge of the shop.

About an hour later a black haired lady comes in and asks "How much for your black dildos?"

The guy says "30 bucks"

"And how much for your white dildos?" asks the lady.

Again the man says "30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white"

So she takes the black one and leaves.

A while later a brunette comes in to the store and asks

"How much for your white dildos?"

The man responds "30 bucks"

She asks "And how much for your black dildos?"

"30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black" replies the man.

So she takes the white one leaves.

About an hour later a blonde walks through the door and asks

"How much are your dildos?"

The guys says "All our dildos are 30 bucks"

Then she looks up behind the man on a shelf and ask "How much for that green one?"

The man responds "Oh, that one is special. That will cost you $250"

The blonde agrees and takes it. Later that day the boss come back and asks "So what did you sell today?"

The man says "I sold a black dildo, a white dildo , and a 2-liter of mountain dew for $250!"

[anebv8]

A husband says to his wife, "right you sexy thing, upstairs now" She looked at him and said "oh you kinky bugger". He replied, "no seriously the rugbys starting - piss off"

[anebv8]

A woman walks into a BMW dealership. She walks around, looking for the perfect car. After some time, she finally spots it. It’s a beautiful, all-black BMW 5 series, and it has all the features she wants. It comes complete with a GPS navigation system, Bluetooth entertainment, and a sports package. Moreover, the leather upholstery is stunning. The woman bends over to feel the leather, and suddenly, a loud fart escapes her.
Incredibly embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has saw or heard her little accident. She prays a sales representative doesn’t show up in the next few seconds. It would be really awkward..
As she turns back, a salesman suddenly appears. Kindly, he says, “Good day, Madame. How may I help you today?”
Very uncomfortably she asks, “Hello Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?”
He replies, “Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price.”

[YellowDog]

Seems fair to me :yes:

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/4b/f7/63/4bf763c378dc5e89e56d0381bd770b8d.jpg

[awa355]

This may well have been posted before, can't be arf-arsed searching.

http://i1074.photobucket.com/albums/w420/awa355/Capture%201.jpg

[Banditbandit]

In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied,

"How very sporting of your mother!"

[anebv8]

WARNING TO DRIVERS
I just filled the car up with petrol didn't notice i'd spilled some on my sleeve, going down the motorway lit a ciggi and sleeve burst into flames, opened the window and stuck my arm out to try and blow out the flames and the bloody coppers stopped me and are now doing me for having a fire arm without a licence

[roogazza]

323985323986323987

[anebv8]

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.

Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding, the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom, she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!"

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

[anebv8]

I was having a piss at the pub & standing next to me was a midget. I noticed he was winking at me so I looked away. But when I turned around again & the little fucker was still winking at me like crazy.
I said to him 'Are you gay, do u fuckin fancy me or something?'
He said,
'No you're splashing it in my eyes ya cunt.'

[YellowDog]

safe enough aye!

[Burnie]

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request.
Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I have never been with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because arseholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"

[gjm]

"If I have a weakness, it is interpreting the semantics of a question while ignoring the pragmatics."

"Could you give an example?"

"Yes, I could."

[anebv8]

Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary all with very big smiles on
Their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate.

"First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 70, died of
heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the
Smile,' says the Coroner.

"Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the
Lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the
Smile." he says.

The Police Inspector asked, '"So what about this third body?'"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy,
Irish, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the Inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture taken".

[YellowDog]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was...

God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[YellowDog]

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland It was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password he replied, "Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid?
Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least eight characters long and include one capital".

[roogazza]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even
though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating
through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her
horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance
to get through the intersection.As she was still in mid-rant,
She heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of
A very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched,
fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell
and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the
Arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I
pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your
horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and
cursing at him.
I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the
'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated
Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally ......
I assumed you had stolen the car.''
Priceless

[anebv8]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."

[roogazza]

324361324362324363

[YellowDog]

An over weight guy goes to the weight loss centre to sign up for a treatment when they tell him they have a new high speed weight loss program. There's 3 stages you can choose from, 10kg per week, 15kg per week or 25 kg per week weight loss.

He says great sign me up, I'll try the 10kg.

They said be ready at 8am tomorrow morning in joggers and shorts.

8am the next morning the most beautiful girl he has ever seen shows up in tight little shorts and a little crop top that had "if you can catch me you can have sex with me " written on the top. So off he races after her, same thing every morning for a week, he never catches her but losses 10kg.

He calls the company saying great program can I do the 15kg one next? They tell him no problem be ready at 8am.

8am he answers his door to an even prettier girl in very sexy knickers and a small bra and she hands him a card that said "if you can catch me you can have sex with me" off she runs with him after her, again he never catches her but losses 15kg.

He calls the company again saying this is amazing, I've lost 25kg's and loving it, I would like the 25kg program next please.

They say are you sure sir? It is our hardest program.

He is excited at what he will be chasing next so says "yep I'll be ready at 8am.

8am the next morning he opens his door and there is a large guy in a g-string and gimp mask and on his shirt it says "if I catch you, I'm going to have sex with you"

:buggerd:

[Virago]

Some repairs were needed to a broken fence at a government building. In accordance with government policy, an official arranged for three contractors to price the job, and met with them all on site.

The first contractor ran his tape-measure over the job, and said "$900. $400 for materials, $400 to pay my men, and $100 profit for me."

The second contractor ran his tape-measure over the job, and said "$700. $300 for materials, $300 to pay my men, and $100 profit for me."

The third contractor leaned towards the official and quietly said "2,700".

"What?" said the official. "You haven't even measured the job. How did you come up with such a price?"

The third contractor leaned close again and said "That's $1,000 for you, $1,000 for me - and we get that second guy to do the job."

The contract was duly awarded.

[YellowDog]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said,
"Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

[anebv8]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?

"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch"

[anebv8]

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.

[anebv8]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

[anebv8]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!

[roogazza]

324708324709324710324711324712324713

[anebv8]

As I ran out of the supermarket this morning,the fat security guard started chasing me.After running around the car park a few times,I finally came to a stop.He grabbed me by the collar and breathlessly said,"Open your jacket." So I unzipped it and said,"I've got nothing mate." "Then why the fuck did you run?" He asked."Because I thought you could do with the exercise you fat bastard." I replied.

[roogazza]

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock? All the men stood up. 'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?' All the women stood up. 'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn' t belong to them?' Half the women stood up. 'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?' Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. The priest fainted.

[YellowDog]

Bike for Sale

[Dadpole]

http://www.infiniteunknown.net/2015/02/28/find-the-bastard-who-shat-down-my-chimney/

I thought this was hilarious. My wife thinks I am warped.

[babysteps]

So the Police turned up at my place last night.....

"Excuse me Sir" said the first officer "Is this your wife?" showing me a picture.

"Yes" I replied

"Well Sir", said the second officer "It looks like she was hit by a Bus"

Sighing, I replied "Yeah I know, but she likes it in the Butt and she is great with the Kids"

[YellowDog]

A man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

[YellowDog]

Sensitive Male

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place and, as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and the romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into this bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity and more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The women rolls over and gently strokes his chest.

"Well, how was it?" she asks coyly.

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and responds .....


"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

[roogazza]

324992324993324994

[anebv8]

Waiting in line at the grocery store and had a little kid give me a real snide look and stuck his tongue out. So I asked his mom if I could give him a piece of candy, but only if he's good and saves it until he gets home. His mom said sure, so I gave him some chocolate and he put it in his pocket for later.
Grabbed an employee on the way out and mentioned I just watched that little fuck steal a candy bar.

[anebv8]

325041325041

[YellowDog]

**Bob, a 65-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country
Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old
blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful
sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently
to his every word.**

**His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance,
they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob
replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue
to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my
age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”**

**Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”**

[roogazza]

325188325189325190325191325192

[YellowDog]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2050

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
country in the world "Little India " formerly known as Australia ....

Jersey executes last remaining Greenie.

White minorities still trying to have English recognised as UK 's third
language.

Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing Burqa: Being a Christian is
no excuse says school. Sharia law must be enforced.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are
now extinct and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. UK
Government has told the Japanese that grey squirrels taste like whale meat.

Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor
Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop
people saying what they think.

Britain 's deficit £100 trillion and still rising. Government declares
return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime
Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration
is the secret to success.

Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman Rothschild
Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): huge bonuses paid to executives to
celebrate launch.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Castro finally dies at age 142. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally
into the US, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to
Wednesdays only.

After a 10-year £175.8 billion study, commissioned by the Labour Party,
scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone (114kg).

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and
rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2055 as lethal weapons.

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 85 per cent.

West Ham won this year's FA Cup Final beating the Bradford Muslims
West Ham Clubhouse burnt down......Metropolitan Police Chief Mohammed Mukbar says "it's an act of God".

[YellowDog]

Shouldn't have a problem getting a date :no:

[Akzle]

Shouldn't have a problem getting a date :no:

might explain the look on her face though...

[anebv8]

A LETTER FROM A 69yr OLD FEMALE TO AN AGONY AUNT:

Dear Deidre,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It's so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around, shoot pool with his buddies and have sex with hookers, while I work so hard to pay our bills.
Since our daughter went away to college and then married, he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian. Please help. What should I do?
Confused…..

Dear Confused,
Grow up and dump him.You don't need him anymore. For fuck sake woman, you're running for President of the United States, get a grip!

[YellowDog]

http://i1332.photobucket.com/albums/w611/onrgaia/trump-with-flag_zps3si0mucl.jpg
__________________________________________________ ________

[Scuba_Steve]

https://fb-s-d-a.akamaihd.net/h-ak-xlp1/v/t1.0-9/15037337_1255632697836982_7929394119998134510_n.jp g?oh=d8799ea72e236cff0ebec21e5500c6fa&oe=58C1C629&__gda__=1488797995_da0bb02935003864789198a52772c2a 6

[caseye]

Fuck it, its close enough to Friday.



Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.



One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.



"Kenny," he says.



"And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks.



"I have three questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? "Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "Third -- what happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?”



Just then the bell rings for recess.



Hillary tells the students that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says,



"Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?”



A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.



Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.



"Johnny," he says.



"What is your question, Johnny?" she asks.



"I have five questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? "Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "Third -- whatever happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State? "Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 21 minutes early? "And, fifth -- where's Kenny?”

[roogazza]

326194326195326196

[Gypahma]

Hi to all, i have found nice site (https://google.com) to U =D

[YellowDog]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says,
' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
'Same for me,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say, to always be at my side ......!

[YellowDog]

Happy 'Thanksgiving' :lol:

[roogazza]

Bees & Golf.

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro, Roy, saw her come into the clubhouse and asked,
'Why are you back in so early? What?s wrong?'
'I was stung by a bee', she said.
'Where?', he asked.
'Between the first and second hole', she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet were too far apart.'

[YellowDog]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on one of those damn ducks!"

[Black Knight]

Blonde or not
http://advrider.com/index.php?attachments/img_1608-gif.695537/

[onearmedbandit]

Blonde or not
http://advrider.com/index.php?attachments/img_1608-gif.695537/

Must be a member to view...

[YellowDog]

Must be a member to view...

Maybe it's a ploy to get more members :bleh:

Let's just assume it's hillarious :lol:

Thank you for posting something we can't see :no:

[Big Dog]

Maybe it's a ploy to get more members :bleh:

Let's just assume it's hillarious [emoji38]

Thank you for posting something we can't see :no:
Can't be. Sign up as a member and all you get is broken links.

Sent from Tapatalk. DYAC

[eldog]

it was there when I looked

[Black Knight]

C'mon guys Advrider is one of the better bike sites around,KB aside of course.I didn't know it would not work so sorry-it was a GIF showing a blonde trying to kickstart a motor scooter,except she was kicking the centre stand.I thought it was funny,but maybe that's just me.

[YellowDog]

The regular taster at a winery died, and the director started looking for a replacement.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass of wine to try.

The drunk took a mouthful and said:

'It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.'

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass...

"This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, 8 more years for finest results"

"Correct."

A third glass...

"It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive." the drunk said calmly.

The owner was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant. And if I don't get the job, ... I'll name the father."

[Big Dog]

C'mon guys Advrider is one of the better bike sites around,KB aside of course.I didn't know it would not work so sorry-it was a GIF showing a blonde trying to kickstart a motor scooter,except she was kicking the centre stand.I thought it was funny,but maybe that's just me.
Did you mean this one? http://cloud.tapatalk.com/s/584268e6ce067/IMG_1608.GIF

Hmm, can anyone else see that? Not working on my phone.
Sent from Tapatalk. DYAC

[Black Knight]

Yep that the one-but with better resolution and a GIF which adds to the "flavour"

[YellowDog]

David Beckham gets into a taxi and notices the driver looking at him in the
rear-view mirror.
After a couple of minutes the driver says: "OK, give me a clue."
Beckham says: "I had a glittering career at Manchester United,
which continued at Real Madrid. I played in America and won over
a 100 caps for England. Is that enough?"
Driver replies: "No, you thick bastard. Where do you want to go?"

[YellowDog]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant in Toronto.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me , but I think your wife just slid under the table."


The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, she didn't .......... she just walked in."

[Daffyd]

This timber grader at a sawmill dies after 40 years on the job. They advertise for a replacement, but because of the remote location, they are having trouble filling the position.

Eventually, a blind man applies. The manager laughs and asks how a blind man could possibly be able to grade timber if he can't see it. He replies that he does it by smell, and asks if he can at least have a trial.

So they bring in two pieces of lumber. He sniffs the first one... "Canadian Redwood, excellent condition, about 30 years old." Very good.

He sniffs the second one... "Californian Teak, average quality, about fifty years old." Once again, right on the nail.

Manager decides to try and trick the man so whispers to his secretary to drop her pants and let him have a sniff. The applicant realises he's being set up and plays along. He says, "Not sure, can you turn it round so I can sniff the other side?" So she turns around so he can sniff her butt. "Ah yes, I thought so... It's the door off a toilet on a Tuna boat!"

[husaberg]

C'mon guys Advrider is one of the better bike sites around,KB aside of course.I didn't know it would not work so sorry-it was a GIF showing a blonde trying to kickstart a motor scooter,except she was kicking the centre stand.I thought it was funny,but maybe that's just me.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcjgYyqvxSI

[YellowDog]

A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit . It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mum," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mum?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes".

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mum, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"

She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

[Akzle]

shit's funny as fuck. get it in ya.

https://www.youtube.com/user/BadLipReading

https://www.youtube.com/user/guitarfingerz2112

[roogazza]

The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Dump - In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.

The Mona Lisa Dump - This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.

The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

The Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed.
Tip: Blot instead of wiping.

The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do

The Caesarian Dump - Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help.

The Alfresco Dump - Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.

The Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:

1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.

The Tijuana Trot Dump - The phrase "Sh*t Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.

The Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump - You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:

1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor

The Security Dump - You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly

The Cling-On Dump - For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors

The Houdini Dump - You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in

The Flu Dump - You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?

The Porta-Pottie Dump - Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin". Its claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup.

The Proctologist Dump - In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??

The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Graffiti Dump - You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.

The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.

The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.

Ghost Poopie
The kind where you feel the Poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie
The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie
The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't runie them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie
The kind that happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to poopie some more.

Turtle Poopie
The kind of poopie that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finallly comes out

Pop-a-Vein-in-your-Forehead-Poopie
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Poopie
The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the plunger.

Gas-sy Poopie
The kind where it's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling!

Drinker Poopie
The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Corn Poopie
(Self explanatory)

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poop Poopie
The kind where you want to Poopie, but all you do is it on the toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie
That's the kind when it hurts so badly coming out, you swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get spashed with water.

Liquid Poopie
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots you of your butt and spashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie
The kind that smells so bad your nose burns.

Upper Class Poopie
The kind of Poopie that doesn't smell.

The Suprise Poopie
You are not even at the toilet, because you are sure you are about to fart, but, OOPS---a Poopie!

The Dangling Poopie
This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopie-ing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

Fisherman's Bobber Poopie
You are in a public restroom with two people waiting on your stall, you poopie and flush two times, but several golfball pieces are still floating above the water line.

The Stolen Poopie
The poopie you take at a techy toilet, with an automatic flush, that is flushed so quick that when you whirl around to see the poopie you worked so hard for, you are left with a violated and un-satisfied feeling. you never got to see that poopie.

But wait their is more ...

The Shit List:

The Ghost Shit
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.

The Clean Shit
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.

The Wet Shit
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

The Second Wave Shit
This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

The Brain Hemorrahage Through Your Nose Shit
Also known as "Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

The Corn Shit
No explanation necessary.

The Lincoln Log Shit
The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

The Nororius Drinker Shit
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

The "Gee, I Really Wish I Could Shit" Shit
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

The Wet Cheeks Shit
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

The Liquid Shit
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

The Mexican Food Shit
A class all on its own.

The Crowd Pleaser
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

The Mood Enhancer
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

The Ritual
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

The Guinness Book Of Records Shit
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

The Aftershock Shit
This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next seven hours is affected.

The "Honeymoon's Over" Shit
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

The Groaner
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

The Floater
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.

The Ranger
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

The Phantom Shit
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

The Peek-A-Boo Shit
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

The Bombshell
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

The Snake Charmer
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.

The Olympic Shit
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.

The Back-To-Nature Shit
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

The Pebbles-From-Heaven Shit
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually can't shit.

Premeditated Shit
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

Shitzopherenia
Fear of shitting - can be fatal!

Energizer Vs. Duracell Shit
Also known as a "Still Going" shit.

The Power Dump Shit
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.

The Liquid Plumber Shit
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)

The Spinal Tap Shit
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

The "I Think I'm Giving Birth Through My Asshole" Shit
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

The Porridge Shit
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: a) flush and keep going, or b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

The "I'm Going To Chew My Food Better" Shit
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

The "I Think I'm Turning Into A Bunny" Shit
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

The "What The Hell Died In Here?" Shit
Also sometimes referred to as "The Toxic Dump". Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

The "I Just Know There's A Turd Still Dangling There" Shit
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.

_________________

[husaberg]

ten carrots

[Swoop]

I won the lottery recently, and my 49-year-old girlfriend instantly decided she would get a facelift and a boobjob.

"What new car are you going to buy?" she asked.

"I don't know," I said. "I thought I'd just get my Commodore resprayed and properly tuned."

"Why bother tarting up the old one?" she asked. "Why not get a new one instead?"

And they say irony is dead...

[roogazza]

327576327577

[mossy1200]

Donations :crazy:

[mossy1200]

<iframe width="854" height="480" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/i3lF9A0Z6h8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Trying to stick to new years diet.

[YellowDog]

A Wellington patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'

Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ............. so we're just waiting :confused:

[YellowDog]

Ad in personals column...

[husaberg]

328069328070328071328072328073328074

[Moi]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

[Swoop]

Fucken funny cunt!

The bits about being on drugs in Amsterdam are great.

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/ohogzxiqqkM" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[YellowDog]

George Bush, Barak Obama and Donald Trump are at a job interview with God. God asks Bush:"What do you believe in?

Bush says, “In democracy, a strong economy, freedom
of speech, etc.” God says, “Wonderful, come sit by my right.”

God then asks Obama,:"What do you believe in?" Obama
says "In democracy, in helping the poor, in equality, etc."

God is impressed, inviting Obama to sit by his left side.

Finally he asks Trump, “And you, what do you believe in?”

Trump replies, “I believe you are sitting in my chair."

[Swoop]

Superb stuff!

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/vftkq2pwuLk" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[5150]

Ok, own up you clowns......:lol:

328408

[Swoop]

^

I thought it was bloody excellent!
Perhaps that's what the cop cars use, via the PA tannoy speakers?

[roogazza]

328423328424328425

[husaberg]

328434328435328436328437328438328439

[YellowDog]

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.

Man: Where is your airplane?

Woman: Dispays those looks that could kill :o

[YellowDog]

Assassination attempt :shit:

[andrej168]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170217/27b271efafcd4d14849802df419d9e0c.jpg

Sent from my XT1034 using Tapatalk

[andrej168]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170217/2419f0f38d887bc3bdf68c2d9c2a0794.jpg

Sent from my XT1034 using Tapatalk

[roogazza]

328671328672328673328674328675

[Daffyd]

Man has one eye, and as a result, is very self conscious. A sympathetic friend, who is a very clever woodworker makes him a wooden one. This boosts his confidence no end, so he walks into a bar to celebrate.He notices a very sad looking lady sitting alone with an untouched drink in front of her. She has her elbows on the table and is covering her lower face. Hoping to cheer her up he walks over and sits across the table from her and asks her what's wrong. She moves her hands a shows him that her mouth is up and down instead of horizontal. He explains about his eye and that he knows exactly how she feels, so how would she like to go out to dinner, then maybe the movies, then home to his place for whatever may follow. Her face lights up so he says, "Would you like that?" "Oh, wouldn't I, wouldn't I?" He replies, "Don't call me 'wooden eye', you cunt faced bitch!"

[husaberg]

[R RATED]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5lgwopmKMw[/R RATED]

[Swoop]

................
328743328744

[Swoop]

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."





I always thought my neighbours were really nice people.
Then they put a password on their Wi-fi.





My ex-girlfriend owned a mynah bird. That thing would never shut up.
But the bird was quite funny.

[YellowDog]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 111 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg!"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $8.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Manapouri barrier. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

I sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today. She shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham , Bradford , Burnley , Leicester , Luton and London : Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

The wife was counting all the 10c's and 20c's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain.
It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

[roogazza]

329033329034329035329036

[Virago]

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified...

Dear Sir,

I would just like to point out that Gloria Gaynor is still alive.

Yours faithfully

Secretary
Pedants Anonymous

[husaberg]

Dear Sir,

I would just like to point out that Gloria Gaynor is still alive.

Yours faithfully

Secretary
Pedants Anonymous
Why did he think she'd lay down and die?
Oh, as long as she knows how to love, I know she will stay alive.

[Daffyd]

A lesbian goes to the doctors for a smear test. The Doctor says "That's the cleanest vagina I've ever seen"! The lesbian says "Thanks, I have a woman in twice a week."!

[YellowDog]

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!”

[YellowDog]

a thousand words

[YellowDog]

and some more

[YellowDog]

Budget Funerals - lol

[Honest Andy]

Why can't the Avon lady walk fast?

Cos her lipstick...

[Akzle]

:laugh: total facts oi.
How many forum users does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[FJRider]

:laugh: total facts oi.
How many forum users does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

And ... at least one to make a joke about it ... <_<

[caspernz]

:laugh: total facts oi.
How many forum users does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Well done! Not far wrong either...

[Berries]

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
On KB it only takes one person starting with A for that.



PS, this list was posted on page 2,348.

[flashg]

Come on Akzle you're slipping. What is it you call people who don't use the search function ?

[Virago]

:laugh: total facts oi.
How many forum users does it take to change a lightbulb?...


...Perhaps you could make the search function larger for scooterboys, or make newbs have to click through three search page before they can post anything.
...And if they still manage to post shit, their avater is changed to a floppy cock and their username to "too stupid to use the internet"


fuck me billy.
Is the search function broken again.


There is a very good search function up there to the right...


are you fucken alergic to the search box or something there billy??


also, OP, do a fucking search.


stupid question gets stupid answer. and since a two second search (for "which petrol")...


Search some shit. For fuchs ache.


whatever you do, DONT search the forums before posting your inane fucking questions.


feel free to do a fuken search there billy.


pro tip: KB's Search box is in the top right hand corner.


DO A FUKEN SEARCH FOR FUCK SAKE.


oh for fuck sake. SEARCH.


1) do a fuken search.


DO A FUKEN SEARCH.


Do a fucking search,


suggest you a fucking search.


reccomend you a fuken search.


i would highly recommend using the search box there dave..

https://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php/159996-How-many-Kiwibikers-does-it-take-to-change-a-light-bulb?

https://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php/142813-How-many-forum-members-does-it-take-to-change-a-lightbulb?

https://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php/19481-How-many-forum-members-does-it-take-to-change-a-light-bulb?

:done:

[YellowDog]

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

[Akzle]

https://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php/159996-How-many-Kiwibikers-does-it-take-to-change-a-light-bulb?

https://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php/142813-How-many-forum-members-does-it-take-to-change-a-lightbulb?

https://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php/19481-How-many-forum-members-does-it-take-to-change-a-light-bulb?

:done:

apparently
3 faggots who can't make use of an existing on-topic thread rather than starting a new one :whistle:

and 1 to try pointing it out ironically, to have it thrown back in their face.

[Swoop]

:laugh: total facts oi.
How many forum users does it take to change a lightbulb?

You ignore the fact that changing a lightbulb is a conspiracy.

[YellowDog]

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finklestien looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?”
They cut the cards; Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door.

The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.......

[98tls]

Guy walks into a stealership and says "want a gas cap for my Harley" salesman mulls it over and replies "yep fair swap".

[YellowDog]

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high bridge, about to jump off.

An old homeless guy who was wandering by stopped and said,
"Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."

She didn't jump.

Object lesson: Suicide counseling really does work!

[slofox]

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high bridge, about to jump off.

An old homeless guy who was wandering by stopped and said,
"Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."

She didn't jump.

Object lesson: Suicide counseling really does work!


:rofl: :lol: :killingme

[husaberg]

329494329495329496329497

[YellowDog]

Nothing wrong with this happy family photo :o

[roogazza]

329645xxxx

[Swoop]

................
329680

[YellowDog]

Anyone seen my puppy?

[5150]

:laugh: total facts oi.
How many forum users does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

So where does Katman fit in all this? :rolleyes:

[roogazza]

329775329776329777329778329779329780

[Swoop]

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to takeoff, when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her upon arrival." "Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number." "I like it!" says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle, and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the place. The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the heck is going on?" The handler nervously replies "He just found a bomb!"

[YellowDog]

Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation
during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal. The
first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy
business man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman
from Mount Isa , Queensland

After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying,
"When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful
mansion for me."

The lady from Mount Isa commented,
"Well, isn't that fantastic?

The first woman continued,
"When my second child was born, my husband bought me a
beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from Mount Isa commented,
"Well, isn't that fantastic?"

The first woman went on,
"Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me
this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented,
"Well, isn't that fantastic?"

The first woman then asked,
"What did your husband buy for you when you had your first
child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Mount
Isa lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my Lord! What
could they teach you?"

The Mount Isa lady responded,
"Well as an example... instead of saying, ‘Who gives a Fuck?’ I
learned to say, ‘Well, isn't that fantastic?’

[roogazza]

329962329963329964329966329967

[slofox]

Where do ya get one of them gumbikes?

[Grumph]

Where do ya get one of them gumbikes?

Taihape I'd have thought...But I know people at Skellerup's, I'll ask....

I like it - much better than some of the pseudo cafe/bobber rubbish.