Friday jokes

[slofox]

LIPSTICK PROBLEM

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. After applying lipstick in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints [purportedly practicing the perfect pucker].

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together who wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.

They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night.

He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was to remove the waxy lipstick, and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated... He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

[Swoop]

I've just signed a sixty grand a week contract to play for the Warriors next season.

Just need to get them to sign it now.:blip:

[Swoop]

What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?

A Seatbelt!

[crazyhorse]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand, and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.

"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out...

"Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!"

[crazyhorse]

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St.
Peter asks the first girl,

'Mary-Agnes, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?' She giggles

and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip
of my finger.'

St. Peter says," Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and
pass through the gate.' St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,
'Catherine, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well, once I fondled and
stroked one. 'St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy
Water and pass through the gate.'

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.. One
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the
front, St. Peter says, 'Agatha! What seems to be the rush ?'

The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I
want to do it before Bernadette sticks her arse in it.

[Swoop]

Failed my Politics exam. The question was "Describe the role that India plays in the modern world".

Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.

[DMNTD]

THE VIBRAT0R

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a VIBRAT0R.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her VIBRAT0R.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip ,
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The VIBRAT0R was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'

'I'm having a cold beer with my son-in-law!'

[Smifffy]

Failed my Politics exam. The question was "Describe the role that India plays in the modern world".

Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.

Must have been "Call Centre" better luck on the resit.

[slofox]

TAX TIME

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes..

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,"What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little cocks last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

[slofox]

Three Old fullas are talking together on a park bench on sunny morning, chatting about this and that. Eventually, as it does, the subject drifts onto their health and particularly their "inner" health and regularity - or lack of it.

The first says - "Well it's a bastard, really it is - I used to crap every day, no problems. But nowadays, I can go two or three days at time without a decent dump..."

The second says "You reckon that's bad? You dunno when you're well off - with me it's up to a week between times..."

They both turn to the third guy. "What about you?" they ask...

"Oh" he says "no problem at all with that. 7.00am, regular as you like, every single day. Been like that for over fifty years y'know..."

The other two are impressed. "That must be great!" says one...

"Not really," says No. 3. "Y'see - these days I don't wake up til 7.30 ..."

[Swoop]

Kate Middleton must be laughing. Marrying a prince and no mother in law!

[Banditbandit]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'

The blonde said, 'No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurised?'

The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes.'

[Swoop]

Kate Middleton, the first person to squeeze into Diana's ring since Dodi Al Fayed.

[Banditbandit]

Two aliens landed on the Salisbury plain near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the petrol pump and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The petrol pump, of course, didn't respond.

Annoyed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

[Swoop]

Scientists ran tests on a bowl of peanuts off a pub bar, and discovered traces of urine.

Further tests revealed it was actually steinlager.

[Banditbandit]

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

[Swoop]

Dear Mum and Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the
flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2
sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because
we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't
write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue
Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it
hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without
telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so
he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire,
the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our
clothes.

Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It
wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect
something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if
it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot
with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the
trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In
fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where
there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out
to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and
Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because
we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was
great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get
mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the
bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew
dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet
works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food
poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way
with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our
scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better
while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy
some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and
tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

[Banditbandit]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his Willie today at the playground !"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

Mum fainted.

[Spazman727]

What goes in long and hard and comes out soft and sticky?





Chewing gum.

[MSTRS]

God was tired and worn out. So he spoke to St. Peter. "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?" St. Peter, thinking, nodded his head and said "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year." God shook His head before saying, "No, too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back." "Hmmm," St. Peter reflected. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No way!" God muttered. "It's way too hot there!" "I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?" Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there and banged some Jewish girl... they're STILL talking about it!"

[slofox]

There were more in the email but even KB has its limits I reckon...


Got caught wanking while sniffing my mate's sister's knickers yesterday...
Wouldn't have been so bad but she was still wearing them at the time.
He went ballistic!
Made the rest of her funeral very awkward for the both of us.


Scientists found that many women develop " Hoover 's Disease" after a year of marriage.
They make a continuous fucking whining noise and don't suck anymore.


Just watched "antiques road show".
This old lady placed a used tampon on the table and said "There you go you clever cunt, tell me what period that’s from"

[MSTRS]

... but even KB has its limits I reckon...




Surely he jests....

[slofox]

Surely he jests....

Probably more like my own limits actually...

[Swoop]

I see the Catholic Church is finally moving with the times by allowing condoms to be used. I suppose forensics are getting pretty advanced these days...




So the Pope has said it's now OK to wear condoms?
In a totally unrelated story, Durex have announced 300 new jobs at their Italy and Ireland factories to cope with fresh demand...

[Banditbandit]

A Blonde has been unemployed for a while, so she decides to go around the neighbourhood to see if anyone has small jobs they might paty her for.

She knocks on the door of the richest looking house in the street, a man opens the door and the blonde explains what she is there for.

The man says the porch needs painting, and asks her how much she would charge.

"$50," the Blonde says.

"That's great," says the man. "You'll find paint, brushes and a step ladder in the garage."

An hour later the Blonde knocks ont he door and a woman opens it. The Blonde explains she has finished the painting job. The woman calls her husband, who says "That was quick."

"Yes'" replies the blonde. "And there was enough paint to give it two coats as well."

The man is impressed and reaching into his pocket pulls out $50. As he hands it to her, the blonde says "Oh, by the way - it's not a porch ... it s a Ferrari ..."

[crazyhorse]

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________ ________

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian
__________________________________________________ ________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
__________________________________________________ __

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

[crazyhorse]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.


"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[doc]

MURDER AT WOOLWORTHS





Tired of constantly
being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.




A 'friend of a friend'
put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.



The
husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.



A few
days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths Supermarket store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.



However,
unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave
the store.



Under intense
questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.


The next day in the
newspaper, the headline declared...




(You're
going to hate me for this...)



'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WOOLWORTHS

[Swoop]

Sell a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish and you've ruined a perfect business opportunity.

[Banditbandit]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..

He gives the young boy three penny coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the penny coins but is still choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins', which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied.

I'm with the Inland Revenue..'

[Swoop]

New Transport Security Agency bumper stickers...

[Swoop]

Anyone else noticed Ireland ran out of money when the Pope said condoms were okay?

[Banditbandit]

Sell a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish and you've ruined a perfect business opportunity.

Give a man a fish - feed him for a day ...

Teach him to use the intrnet and he won't bother you for weeks ...

[Swoop]

Give a man a fish - feed him for a day ...

Teach him to use the intrnet and he won't bother you for weeks ...
I really thought it was "give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, teach a man to fish and hell sit in a boat drinking beer for days!".:innocent:

[crazyhorse]

The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on.

She was 5'10'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.

I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer.

No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said 'Hi' and I said 'Hi' in return

She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked.

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred. 'OK' I replied. Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it... I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton and she was wet !!!! She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man, have you ever felt such a perfect c^^t?'

'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'

[Swoop]

How the world lines up if it all kicks off with Korea:

CHINA - Will probably stick up for North Korea. Why do you think they try this shit in the first place?

UNITED STATES - US soldiers will be desperate to fight for a country full of horny Asian girls in mini-skirts.

BRITAIN - Korea was probably part of the British Empire at some point, so England will be duty bound to help America commit savage war crimes.

GERMANY - God knows, but lets hope it's on our side.

ITALY - God knows, but let's hope it's on their side.

BRAZIL - We're not sure if Brazil has an army, but if it does, it's probably gay.

INDIA - Will favour the South due to the North's competing inexplicable space programme.

JAPAN - The Japanese have long coveted North Korea as a place to stack their rubbish.

FRANCE - Don't seem to be answering their phone at the moment. How odd

[crazyhorse]

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa .

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Maori's & Islanders is not the correct answer.

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

My wife told me I was no longer romantic, so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she sucks at snooker & darts.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Mangere, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 f....g Muslims have added me as a friend !!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

The FBI have discovered how to weave Muslim prayer mats out of plastic explosives ....... Apparently prophets are going through the roof !!

The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we would love to, but our hose pipe only reaches the bottom of the garden.

[kevfromcoro]

Whats. black and red,yellow and orange , white and blue.
And smells like fish ??


Clitorus allsorts...

[kevfromcoro]

When walking in these woods..
Be extremly carefull of Bears..
They are very dangreous and should not be aproached..
the black bear feeds on , leaves. berries/ and it very fond of squirels..
It is a good idea to wear bells, whistles and carry a can of Pepper spray...To warn the bears that you are in the area...
Look for signs of bears pooh.....
The black bears pooh will have signs of . leaves, berries and squirels fur
The grizzly bears pooh will be a lot larger..
It will have signs of bells, whistles. and smell like pepper spray....

[Swoop]

The biggest trouble causers in this country are the police. Have you seen how many protests they attend?









I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan.
Somebody is going to be wrong. :blip:

[DMNTD]

Major tsunami warning alert! All Maoris report 2 the nearest beach urgently 2 protect your fucking foreshore !

[Banditbandit]

Last Tuesday Prime Minister John Key got out of a taxi at the Beehive carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The security guard at the door snapped to attention, saluted and said: "Nice pigs, sir."

The John Key replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic KuniKuni Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hone Harawira from the Maori party and one for Chris Carter from the Labour Party."

The squared-away guard again snapped to attention, salutes and said;

"Excellent trade, sir."

[Swoop]

International Rugby Board (IRB) Rugby World Cup 2011.

Following complaints to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Hakka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2011 organizing committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays.

1. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles, before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, but no-one appreciates them.

2. The Scotland team will chant "You looking' at me, Jimmy?" before each of them smash a bottle of beer over their opponents' heads.

3. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half perfoming a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch via their opponents' dressing room.

4. Unfortunately the committee was unable to sanction the Welsh proposal to form a choir and sing Tom Jones' "The Green Green Grass of Home".

5. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goal-Areas", and have to be forcibly removed by the match stewards.

6. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13, whom they will imprison between the posts. These two will then go about selecting the best parts of the pitch to settle on and claim they have been there for centuries.

7. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were, in fact, the most important team in the tournament, and Hollywood will produce a blockbuster film called "Saving Flanker Ryan".

8. Five of the Canadian team will sing "Le Marseillaise" and hold the rest of the team to ransom.

9. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female officials, and then prepare pasta dishes, which they will then flog to the crowd for a fortune.

10. The Japanese will shock fans by demonstrating how to capture a whale for scientific research by harpooning an opposition prop.

11. The French won't have a pre-match display and will simply hide in fear in the dressing room for the whole match.

12. The Australians will have a barbecue on their side of the field and invite the opposition over before the game. The food and alcohol will be in abundance and, by the start of the game, no-one will remember what they came to the stadium for. After some streaking, the singing of dirty songs and the occasional chunder, everyone will go home thoroughly convinced it was a bloody good night.

13. The Moroccan team will quietly pray during the first half and then launch suicide attacks against the opposition after the break. Unfortunately, this strategy works well for the first game only, after which Morocco is forced to withdraw from the tournament due to lack of players.

14. Samoa will prepare a huge feast in the middle of the pitch by digging a large hole and filling it with burning embers. They will invite the opposition over by saying "We'd like to have you for dinner." Only when the opposition arrive at the pit will they realise that there is no meat and that they are, in fact, the main course.

Hopefully, with these policies now in place, further problems in this area should cease to exist.

[crazyhorse]

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

"Whoa," replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

[DMNTD]

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom,using a goat's lower intestine .In 1873 the Poms somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

[Madness]

Young Rangi comes home late one saturday night and tells his dad;
"I just shagged that pakeha sheilah down the road, dad"

Rangi's father replied;
"That's choice, Rangi. I sure hope you remembered our talk and wore something!"

Rangi proudly exclaimed;
"I sure did dad. I wore your balaclava!"

[DMNTD]

Caught the wife watching a cookery program today.
I said to her "But you cant cook" to which she replied "You watch porn"

[Swoop]

I have ADHD. It's like ADD except the picture quality is phenomenal.

[Banditbandit]

Yesterday morning, I saw a radical Muslim, ranting on about Western aggression in the peace loving Islamic paradise of Afghanistan ..

He suddenly lost his footing and fell into the Brisbane River .

Being a responsible citizen, I notified the emergency services. By noon today, they still hadn't arrived.

I'm beginning to think I've wasted a frigging stamp!

[Banditbandit]

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

[Swoop]

When Muslim parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the air-plane!" technique, do they just smash it in their face and make explosive noises?

[crazyhorse]

Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?


Little Johnny answered:



Drin-king, smo-king and bon-king.

[DMNTD]

A study conducted by Sydney University's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a cricket bat up his arse while he is on fire.




No further studies are expected on this subject.

[DMNTD]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a root!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know that?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'!!!

[Swoop]

Just found out Phil Goff's incontinent.... I read it on dickileaks.

[Laava]

This time of the year always makes me think about Santa and what a cool life he’s got. I mean who else do you know that gets to do the following:

1) Only dress in red
2) Sneak in and out of home’s at night
3) Has helpers to do all the hard work for them
4) Always has ready access to untraceable goods
5) And best of all who else only gets to works one day a year

What a life! You’d think more people would cotton onto it.



Oh look here comes Santa now …..

[tigertim20]

baaahahahahahahahahaha awesome

[DMNTD]

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy".

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

The third man answered "They're Carol's."

[Banditbandit]

Two mates, Terry and Bob are out fishing and enjoying a quite beer or three.

Terry says quietly, so as not to disturb trhe fish: "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in two months."

Bob has a couple of swallows and replies: "I'd think twice about that mate - a woman like that is hard to find ..."

[Swoop]

A defendant was on trial for murder in South Auckland. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't".

[crazyhorse]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.� So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.


Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.

Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.

[Swoop]

ONE NEWS:


Burglars Look To Target Empty Homes At Xmas.
Now I knew burglars were stupid, but not that fucking stupid.

[pete376403]

With the christmas party season fast approaching, a timely message:

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN.

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc.

Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon Blanc almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Sauvignon Blanc may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister!

WARNINGS: -

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

PS:

Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit!

Now Just Imagine What You Could Achieve With a Good Dry Merlot!!!

[Hinny]

--- A truly touching story...truly touching!


I met a girl in the park the other evening.


There was an instant spark between us

and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet.




As we lay making love, I thought



"These taser guns are well worth the money."

[Swoop]

I've just renamed my wifi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02".

That should keep my neighbours on their toes for a while.

[Swoop]

The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the patient a shot.

'No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. ''I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth".

[Swoop]

It's getting close to the time of year again when that fat bastard with the beard brings presents round for the kids.

Or, as my wife likes to call her, "Mum".

[crazyhorse]

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.
>
> "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between
> your tits" he says.
>
> "You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my
> husband."
>
> The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.
>
> The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
>
> "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of
> your
> arse and lick it all off."
>
> She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"
>
> Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.
>
> "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?"
>
> "I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your
> pussy
> with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."
>
> The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to
> fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
>
> "What's up love?" he asks.
>
> "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits
> and
> lick the sweat off", she says.
>
> "I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband.
>
> "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and
> lick
> it off" she screams.
>
> "Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.
>
> "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with
> Guinness
> and then drink it all" she cries!
>
> The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches
> the
> telly back on.
>
> "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.
>
> "Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of
> Guinness..."
>

[Swoop]

What is the height of optimism?

An Australian batsman applying sun cream...

[crazyhorse]

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to F**k off. Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving.
:facepalm:

[crazyhorse]

A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman

you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because

I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time,

reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.

[sfordnz]

Mr Muscle - Loves the jobs you hate !
What a load of bollox, I bought a bottle yesterday and it still hasn't shagged the missus ...

[blackdog]

Mr Muscle - Loves the jobs you hate !
What a load of bollox, I bought a bottle yesterday and it still hasn't shagged the missus ...

shit, that reminds me its my wedding anniversary tommorrow

[kevfromcoro]

2 blokes were out hunting. and came accross a massive hole in the ground.
look at that says one,,, wonder how deep it is...
tell you what.. lets chuck something down it and see how long it takes to get to the bottom.
ok.. theres and old auto transmission. over there. lets biff it down.
so off they go.
a few minutes a goat comes flying out of the bushes. at a hundred miles an hour. and straight down the hole.
a few moments latter a farmer turns up. and says.. you havent seen my goat have you?.
yeah the hunters say.. he just came roaring out of the bushes. and jumped down that hole..
thats imposible says the farmer..
he was chained to that auto transmission....

[Swoop]

SKY News: David and Victoria Beckham expecting fourth child!
Oh wait, no, she's just eaten an apple.

[Banditbandit]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his question he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'


Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Fire truck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

[HenryDorsetCase]

Whats got 9 arms, and sucks?


Def Leppard.

[MSTRS]

One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was in a card store and they had cards that said 'Get Well Soon.' Fuck that -- get well now.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

[MSTRS]

Beware the vindictive and ill tempered Wife.
My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"
I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others, I was awake."
Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM.

[Banditbandit]

Q. What do you call an Aussie with a bottle of champagne?

A. A waiter


Q. What do you call an Aussie who can hold a catch?

A. A fisherman


Q. Why can no one drink wine in Australia at the moment?

A. They don't have any openers


Q. What's the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies?

A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball


Q. What do you call a world class Australian cricketer?

A. Retired



Ring Ring.....

"Hello - Australian team dressing room"

"Hello mate...Can I speak to Ricky Ponting please?"

"Sorry mate - he's just gone out to bat..."

"It's OK - I'll hold...."



Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An Australian batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What would Jimmy Anderson be if he was Australian?
A. An all rounder.

Q. What is the main function of the Australian coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. Why don't Australian fielders need pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What's the Australian version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.

Q. What do you call an Australian with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Ponting?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. What do Australian batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. Why are Australian cricketers cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because they can get out without even trying.

Q. What does Steve Smith put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat


A bloke walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"

The madam replies $60.

"Wow, what do I get for that?" he says.

She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australia cricket shirt".

[YellowDog]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.- That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar…

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

Just had my water bill of $175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just $2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

[Swoop]

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

[crazyhorse]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other toilet saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
'No..I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say nervously...

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other toilet who keeps answering all my questions.'


Mobile phones, don't you just love them!

[Swoop]

What has 400 legs, but no pubic hair?

The front row of Justin Bieber concert.

[crazyhorse]

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'

The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car on the front seat beside her.
As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY"..!

So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.

SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW, CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS!



*

*
*
*
She turned into the first Holiday Inn she could find!





She's old...... NOT DEAD!!!!!
OLD LADIES ROCK <img src="http://files.myopera.com/angel292005/blog/ShowLetter7.gif" />

[Stirts]

Best selling shoe in Brisbane

http://www.momlogic.com/flipper_heels.jpg

[crazyhorse]

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl.. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"

[slofox]

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl.. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"


"You must spread the..yaddayaddayadda..."

:laugh::laugh::clap::clap::rofl: :rofl:

[Banditbandit]

Little Billy is having a bath with his Mum. He points between her legs and asks "What's that hairy thing?"

"Oh, that's my sponge," his mother replies.

"Cool," says little Billy. "The baby sitter has one. I've seen Dad wash his face with it."

[crazyhorse]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.


So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'

The woman did as she was told.

'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'

Worried the woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse.' :bleh:

[Swoop]

I'd like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those bastards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."




How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
Who cares, they never get the house anyway




My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Auckland zoo.





Goths. Save money on black nail varnish by hitting your fingernails with a claw hammer.

[crazyhorse]

“Dad, Dad, I auditioned and I got a part in the school play!!!”

“Well done son.”

“Yeah, I’m playing the part of a man who’s been married for 25 years.”

“Never mind son, next time you might get a speaking part.”

[crazyhorse]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding
traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors
already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years
earlier than the British".

One week later, the New Zealand Herald, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Onerahi, Bill Paku

a self-taught archaeologist and avid Motorhomer reported that he
found absolutely f--- all. Paku has therefore concluded that 250 years
ago, New Zealand had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be a Kiwi!

[MSTRS]

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah. He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?" Allah replied, "Who said they are women?"

[crazyhorse]

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical Answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy,

But Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club, and takes off all his Clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy,

"He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say."

[Banditbandit]

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.

“What’s up Dave” asked the Landlord… “It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth”

“It’s my four year old son…” the man replied.

“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age” said the landlord, sympathetically.

“I only wish it was that” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next-door-neighbour pregnant.”

“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the landlord

“It’s not” said the man…“the little sod stuck a pin in all my condoms”

[Swoop]

Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Wally! - The 'Where's Wally' audiobook.

[crazyhorse]

...the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.

...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.

...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."

...I got a "It's for you loser" wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.

...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.

...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.

...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.

...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.

...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.

...my secretary says things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."

...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.

...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.

...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.

[Edbear]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido where's the money?.

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.." Guido signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[Swoop]

As I looked down at my son in his coffin, I thought, 'Why can't the little Emo cunt sleep in a bed like normal teenagers?'

[Swoop]

Ever wondered how animals think?

Camel: Who's dumped that fucker on my back?

Giraffe: Hope I don't get a sore throat.

Hyena: That is so frigging funny.

Monkey: Want to buy a car aerial or wing mirror?

Crocodile: I'm just a log, nothing to worry about.

Elephant: Does my bum look big in this?

Cheetah: These new trainers are brilliant.

Polar Bear: This is fucking mint.

Snake: I won't put ACC fees up. Trust me.

[Banditbandit]

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said to the woman patient; "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."

After three or four martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

And ThAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."

[crazyhorse]

A man wakes up in James` Hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the M 50.

You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have 9000 Euros in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly 1000 Euros an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.

But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.

It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man."And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.



"We're getting granite kitchen tops - and a small conservatory."

[Swoop]

Rolf Harris is to release a 'Aus-Aid' single on Friday to raise funds for the victims of the Australian floods.

'Why's Me Kangaroo Drowned Sport', is expected to reach number one early next week.

[crazyhorse]

Kiwi man in New Zealand buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant..

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure,
Brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.


No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Nursing Home


Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home..

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the
Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
Chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and
Asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"Sex!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held
A gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it
For a while."

Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes
His manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet
Secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and
Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O..K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting
By the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding
Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have
That I don't have?"


Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

[Swoop]

Having successfully introduced female referees to premier league football, the FA are now going to change some of the terminology used:

Replace "Wanker" with "Bean-flicker" in the chant "The referee's a...."
"Flags" are to be replaced with "Flaps".
Players no longer "score", instead they "woo" a goal.
Teams can no longer have a "substitute" and have to remain faithful to their chosen ones.
"Red cards" will now be pink.
The game will no longer be of two halves but of two periods.
and of course, "extra time" is to be replaced with 5 minutes before the match to be known as "fore play".

[MSTRS]

This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note 'Off to the grocery store'. He hasn't been 'getting any' so decides this is his chance and goes to the video store to rent a porn flick.

As soon as he gets home in goes the film and out comes his junk. Before you know it the masturbation is happening at a furious pace. Before long he's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the blowjob of his life. Then, without a word, she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen.

The guy is sitting there stunned and amazed at what just happened. After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he finds his wife chopping tomatoes. He asks her "We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a sudden you come in and blow me. What happened?!" His wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean it again."

[crazyhorse]

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ...

[MSTRS]

So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for 'Viagra'. The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety.

The doctor asks why he needs so much.

The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.

Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers.

The doctor asks 'Why, is your dick in that much pain?', 'No', says the guy, 'It's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!'

[crazyhorse]

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO


An attractive blonde from Dublin , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed....'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching..'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men..

[MSTRS]

I wanted Susan Boyle to know that I was thinking of her...so I sent her a picture of my flaccid penis.

[crazyhorse]

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about
to Jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
Kiss?"
So, she does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I
have ever had. That's a real talent you
are wasting. You could be famous
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[Swoop]

The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here".

A time traveller walks into a bar.

[Swoop]

I've just been diagnosed with arm cancer.

Fucking nicotine patches.

[Swoop]

A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper.
Teacher: What is this?
Kid: It's a drawing of a cow eating grass.
Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass?
Kid: The cow ate all of it.
...Teacher: (looked at the paper again)Then, where's the cow?
Kid: It left because there was no more grass.

[DMNTD]

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, that's a real talent you are wasting you could be famous, why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[Smifffy]

I asked a friend's daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day. Both her parents, Labour supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to the Labour Party!"

"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I told her.

I continued, "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull up the weeds, sweep my drive and I'll pay you $35.

Then I'll take you over to the shop where the homeless bloke sits outside. You can give him the $35 to use toward food."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless bloke come over and do the work and you can just pay him the $35?"

I smiled and said, "Welcome to the National Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me............

[Swoop]

Why are hurricanes and cyclones always given non threatening names, like Wilma and George?

Surely, 'hurricane run like fuck' or 'cyclone bastard' would be more appropriate?







Calling out your ex-girlfriend's name during sex is a nice way to show your current girlfriend that you won't forget her either after you leave her!

[Usarka]

Man went to the zoo. It only had one dog.

It was a Chitzu!

[Swoop]

Dear 2010,
So, I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely, 1985


Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends? Come on now.
Sincerely, Anonymous.


Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say "I don't know, let's Yahoo it!" Just sayin'...
Sincerely, Google


Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids:
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely, Black people


Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada


Dear Asians,
At least wear name tags or something...
Sincerely, The Rest Of The World


Dear Michael Jackson,
You really should have become a Catholic Priest. The pay isn't great, but the benefits....
Sincerely, The Pope


Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic


Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely, Stevie Wonder


Dear Nickleback,
That's enough.
Sincerely, The World


Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely, Sarah Palin


Dear Mary,
Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.
Sincerely, Joseph


Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely, United States

Dear Nazis,
You did what?!?!?! I said I hate JUICE!!
Sincerely, Adolph Hitler


Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely, Parents Everywhere


Dear Anne Frank,
Two can play this game....
Sincerely, Waldo


Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely, Superman


Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies


Dear Americans,
I'm sorry, did you just insult us? I couldn't hear you over my health care benefits.
Sincerely, Canadians


Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely, Al Gore


Dear Santa,
How did you get away with the kids sitting on your lap trick?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson


Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely, Alcohol


Dear Mr. Gump
WTF are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells you EXACTLY what you're gonna get....
Sincerely, Jenny


Dear Katy Perry,
I liked the kiss too.
Sincerely, Justin Beiber


Dear Haiti,
Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?
Sincerely, Seriously Going To Hell


Dear Martin Luther King Jr.
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream.... What now?
Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio


Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely, The Mayans


Dear Snooki,
GET BACK TO WORK!
Sincerely, Willy Wonka


Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely, Native Americans


Dear Twihards,
If he sparkles, he's probably one of ours
Sincerely, Gay Men Of America


Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely, Every iPhone User


Dear Giant Spider On The Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely, Terrified


Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely, The Girls of South Auckland.


Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely, Elephant


Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.
Sincerely, Dr. Pepper


Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns


Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely, Logic


Dear Boyfriend,
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely, Spiders


Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely, That Little Triangle


Dear Soccer Fans,
B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!
Sincerely, Vuvuzelas


Dear Santa,
Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho'. s
Sincerely, Tiger Woods

Dear Toaster,
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
Sincerely, Toast

Dear Romeo,
My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...
Sincerely, Juliet

[one fast tl1ooo]

Subject: Blonde on a horse
>A blonde tries to go horseback riding even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience.

>>> > >
>>> > >She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse, immediately springs
>>> > >
>>> > >into action.
>>> > >
>>> > >It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to
>>> > >
>>> > >lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle.
>>> > >
>>> > >In terror, she grabs for the mane but can't seem to get a firm grip.
>>> > >
>>> > >She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides
>>> > >
>>> > >down the side of the horse anyway.
>>> > >
>>> > >The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider.
>>> > >
>>> > >Unfortunately, the blondes foot has become entangled in the stirrup.
>>> > >
>>> > >She is now at the mercy of the hooves as her head is struck against
>>> > >
>>> > >the ground over and over again.
>>> > >
>>> > >As her head is battered against the ground she is moments away from
>>> > >
>>> > >losing consciousness when, to her great fortune, the Woolworths
>>> > >
>>> > >manager sees her and unplugs the horse.

[one fast tl1ooo]

My Dog

I went down to Work and Income this morning to sign up my Dog.
The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit". I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is. She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

He gets his first cheque on Friday.

Damn this is a great country.

[Swoop]

I have CDO, which is like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order.

[crazyhorse]

One dark night in the small town of Woopwoop, W.A, a fire
started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in
flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.


When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the
sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret
sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to
be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them
out and delivers them to me.'


But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire
departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to
extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department
that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck
came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Baringa
volunteer fire department composed mainly of Aboriginal firefighters over the age
of 65.


To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by
these Aboriginal firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside
the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside,
the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old timers jumped
off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own
lives.. Within a short time, the Baringa old timers had extinguished
the fire and saved the secret recipes.


The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such
a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and
walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal
firefighters.


A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on
camera reporter asked the Aboriginal fire chief, 'What are you going to do
with all that money?'
'Well,' said Chief Billy Cokebottle, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de
furst ting we gonnna do is fix dem brakes on dat bloody fire truck!!'

[Swoop]

Who named Trojan condoms?

The Trojan horse entered through the city gates, broke open and loads of little guys came out and fucked everyone's day up.

Doesn't fill me with confidence!

[crazyhorse]

While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Hone Hawariwa and how he got to be an MP.
The old farmer said, "Well, ya know, Hone is just a Post Tortoise."

Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked,

What's a "Post Tortoise?"

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Tortoise balanced on top, that's a post Tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as hell isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb bastard put him there in the first place."

[Banditbandit]

During the recent Brisbane flood, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy. As they sat watching things float by in the water, they noticed an old hat go past.

Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back. They watched as it did this a number of times.

"Do you see that hat?" said the girl in amazement. "First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and then it comes back again."

"Oh, don't worry............... it's only my dad," replied the boy. "This morning my Mum said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today."

[Swoop]

Some USB devices...
231565231566231567231568231569231570

[Banditbandit]

An Irishman, is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus yet.?'


Are you ready for this?



The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are ya sure dis is where he fell in?'

[Swoop]

Subway is similar to prostitution. You pay other people to do your wife's job.

[DMNTD]

Two bowling teams, one all Blondes and one all Brunettes,
charter a double decker bus for a trip to Louisiana.


The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the
Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't
heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to
go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard, and
whispered...



'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!'

[slofox]

Heard this years ago - may be a repost but what the hey, it's still funny...

Two likely young lads turn up to a fancy dress party. It's a "mood" party.
Both lads are completely stark naked apart from:

Lad No 1 had a plastic bag of custard taped over his willy.

Lad No 2 had his willy embedded in a pear.

The dude at the door stops them. "You can't come in here like that. This is a MOOD party, not a NUDE party"

Lad 1 pipes up "Ahh but I am portraying the mood - you see I am fucking dis custard!"

And lad 2 chimes in "And I am deep in dis pear!"

They both got in...

[Goblin]

Harley Davidson Faces Stiff Competition From Johnson Marine Who Introduces New Line
At a press conference late Monday, the CEO of Johnson Marine, makers of Johnson outboard marine engines and other recreational equipment, unveiled a new line of heavyweight cruiser style motorcycles designed to compete head to head with industry leader Harley-Davidson. Peter Long, Johnson's Brands Marketing Manager said, "We have studied the market and determined that Harley, while highly successful, has narrowly missed the mark when targeting motorcycle buyers." Long added, "We at Johnson are convinced that our product hits the target dead center and promises to draw sales away from Harley Davidson in a way no other motorcycle has been able to accomplish."

The new line of bikes, marketed under the name Big Johnson Motorcycles, will, according to Long, deliver what Harley has only promised. "Our research show that this, a Big Johnson, is what Harley buyers are really after." At the unveiling of the new line Monday, several current Harley owners agree. "When I bought my Harley, what I really needed was a Big Johnson," said one Harley owner. "But I see now that riding a Harley is no replacement for having a Big Johnson."

Manager Long also said that his company would follow the lead of Harley-Davidson and cash in on a huge market for non-motorcycle related products. "We realize that not every guy can have a Big Johnson," said Long, "But image is very important to people. If they don't have a Big Johnson, they at least want to project the image of having one."

Asked if he anticipated Big Johnsons showing up in the hands of Harley owners, Long said it was unlikely. "I just don't see the need to have a Harley if you have a Big Johnson," he said. "And I can't imagine someone who spends all their resources to acquire a Harley having a Big Johnson. I think it boils down to this - You either have a Harley, or you have a Big Johnson, but you are not likely to have both."

"Given the choice," said Long, "I think most guys will opt for the Big Johnson."

Another force driving sales for the company will come from women. A survey of the wives and girlfriends of nearly 1,000 potential motorcycle buyers indicates less than 5% would approve of their partner spending $20,000 on a Harley Davidson. But, when asked if they would be willing to pay the same amount of money to get their partner a Big Johnson, nearly 4 out 5 thought that would be money well spent.

One female present at the product unveiling was quoted as saying, "There is no way I will let Lonnie drop 20 grand on another one of those Harleys, but 20 grand to get him a Big Johnson? Well, that's something we could both enjoy, and it's something he really needs."

Carla Roundheel, manager of the dealership network now being established, said her motto is simple. "I service what we sell."

Big Johnson Motorcycles will be traded on the New York stock exchange under the abbreviation PNSNV.

[Swoop]

Harley Davidson Faces Stiff Competition From Johnson Marine.
Oi. Fuck off.
This is a jokes thread, NOT "new bike news".
Post elsewhere please.



Does my "Big 70hp Johnson" replace the need for a Harley Fergusson?:scratch:

[crazyhorse]

33,000 Maori meet at the Westpac Stadium for a ‘Maori Are Not Stupid’ convention.
Pita Sharples addresses the crowd.. ‘We are all here today to prove to the world that Maori are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?’
Hone Harawira gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Pita asks him ‘What is 15 plus 15?’
After 15 or 20 seconds Hone says, ‘ Forty!’ Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Maori start chanting ‘Give him another chance! Give him another chance!’ Pita says, ‘Well since we have a huge crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.’
So he asks, ‘What is 5 plus 5?’
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ‘ Twelve?’ Pita looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Hone looks like he’s going to weep. But then the 33,000 Maori begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, ‘Give him another chance! Give him another chance!’

Pita, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, ‘OK then, what is 2 plus 2?’
Silence again hangs over the stadium.
Hone closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, ‘Four?’
Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Maori crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream, ‘Give him another chance! Give him another chance!’

[DMNTD]

While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Hone Hawariwa and how he got to be an MP.
The old farmer said, "Well, ya know, Hone is just a Post Tortoise."

Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked,

What's a "Post Tortoise?"

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Tortoise balanced on top, that's a post Tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as hell isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb bastard put him there in the first place."

[Swoop]

My mate hung himself in a modern art gallery.
It was three weeks before anyone noticed.

[crazyhorse]

Two Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

'Ach, it's all going like magic,' says Jock. 'I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night..........Archie nods approvingly.

'Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!' continues Jock.

'A kilt?' exclaims Archie, 'That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what's the tartan?'

[blackdog]

Two Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

'Ach, it's all going like magic,' says Jock. 'I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night..........Archie nods approvingly.

'Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!' continues Jock.

'A kilt?' exclaims Archie, 'That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what's the tartan?'

I think she'll be wearing white ;)

[Virago]

Two Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

'Ach, it's all going like magic,' says Jock. 'I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night..........Archie nods approvingly.

'Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!' continues Jock.

'A kilt?' exclaims Archie, 'That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what's the tartan?'

And....? :blink:

[RiderInBlack]

And....? :blink:Crap joke. Play on "Tartan" and "Tart In":facepalm:

[Swoop]

Since we're on the Scottish theme...


In a Scottish classroom, the teacher asks a student, "If you have 5 pounds, and I ask you if I can borrow 2, how many pounds do you have left?"
The student replies "5".

[Virago]

Since we're on the Scottish theme...

In a Scottish classroom, the teacher asks a student, "If you have 5 pounds, and I ask you to borrow 2, how many pounds do you have left?"
The student replies "5".

If you ask the student to borrow two pounds (and they do), they will have seven pounds. But if you ask them to lend two pounds...

(Pendantic prick shuffles off...)

[Swoop]

If you ask the student to borrow two pounds (and they do), they will have seven pounds. But if you ask them to lend two pounds...

(Pendantic prick shuffles off...)
OK, ok... altered for clarification!

[crazyhorse]

lol to ya all ...... :rofl:

[crazyhorse]

At last I know why I’ve got fat hips!

When taking a shower I often use the rest of my shampoo to lather myself.

Well, yesterday, I read what was written on the bottle - “For extra volume and body.”

What a shock!!

No wonder it is so difficult to keep my weight under control.

As from now I will use dish-washing liquid for showering - it claims “Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove”!

[slofox]

At last I know why I’ve got fat hips!

When taking a shower I often use the rest of my shampoo to lather myself.

Well, yesterday, I read what was written on the bottle - “For extra volume and body.”

What a shock!!

No wonder it is so difficult to keep my weight under control.

As from now I will use dish-washing liquid for showering - it claims “Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove”!



aHA! So THAT's what the problem is...

Thanks crazyhorse - I'll get right onto it...

[crazyhorse]

aHA! So THAT's what the problem is...

Thanks crazyhorse - I'll get right onto it...

Prescisely - that was my thought too :rofl:

[slofox]

Prescisely - that was my thought too :rofl:

I told herself too - she could use the advice...oops...:o:..I mean...ahhhehehe. Oh shit. Now I'm in it for sure...

[Swoop]

I'm not saying staff at my local Warehouse are inept, but I've used the self checkout twice and I've already been named Employee of the Month!

[crazyhorse]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian
coast.


He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible
night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately
some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good
news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in
the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was
dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a
bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and
asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a
few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her,
so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four
or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and
all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young
Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot
over there and pull her up again!

[Swoop]

Girls are like cell phones: they like to be held and talked to.

Although sometimes its simpler to just go with a pre-paid plan.

[crazyhorse]

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally ."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No".
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile"
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"

[crazyhorse]

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.



One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was

anything wrong.



'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace..

'My Private Part died today, and I am

very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little

forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,

she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry,

Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was

walking down the hall with his Private

Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she

said, 'You shouldn't be walking down

the hall like that. Please put your

Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr.

Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my

Private Part died..'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell

me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this..)



'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

[RiderInBlack]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv5iEK-IEzw&feature=player_embeddedDeath Star Canteen LOL

[RiderInBlack]

"Suicide Bombers to go on Strike"

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February, from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

"Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. "I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway."

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.

[crazyhorse]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.


'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

[Swoop]

My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on.

[crazyhorse]

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Samoan led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Maori clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Maori clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic)..'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a Maori voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For f*#k's sake, you stupid coconut . It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'

[Swoop]

I've been sleeping with this bloke's wife and today he sent me this text:

"You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!"

To which I replied:

"8 out of 10, I'll requires an apostrophe and a capital I."

[Maha]

I've been sleeping with this bloke's wife and today he sent me this text:

"You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!"

To which I replied:

"8 out of 10, I'll requires an apostrophe and a capital I."

Then what did he say?

[MSTRS]

An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighbourhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep." "I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing the bastards and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

[MSTRS]

I went out with some friends last night and tied one on. Knowing that I had a little too much of the demon drink, I did something that I've never done before. I took the bus home! I arrived safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before...

[Swoop]

I've been trying to teach my mate how to play golf recently but the problem seems to be his drive.

His wife stands on it and doesn't let us out.

[crazyhorse]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'


Your going to love the Dad's reply:



His father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

[crazyhorse]

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother went mad,
Telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
'Loosen up Gran.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!'
and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says,
'Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.

[Swoop]

I just walked into my Sarcastics Anonymous Club, 5 minutes late.

They said, "Oh, nice of you to join us."

[crazyhorse]

Circumcised (this is priceless!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school..'

KIDS ; DON'T YOU JUST LOVE 'EM!

[Swoop]

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

The pictures on my computer are worth a long sentence.

[crazyhorse]

The Portuguese Lover Manuel was relaxing at his favourite bar in Lisbon, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.



Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Manuel reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Manuel smiled and asked, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Manuel reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Manuel fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I Danish."

[Swoop]

Last night I dreamt I had rasta hair.

It was dreadful.





I said to my son tonight, "You're adopted!"

"Oh my god!" He replied with a tear in his eye, "all these years I thought you were my real parents."

"Yeah, we are your real parents, but we've had enough of you and your new ones will be here soon."

[crazyhorse]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate


.................................................. .................................................. .



Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

[Swoop]

I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"

My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well."

As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dickhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!

[crazyhorse]

What really happened when Elton John and David Furnish decided to have a baby.

They had their sperm mixed together and had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.

When the baby was born Elton and David were waiting at the hospital. They were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of whom were crying and screaming.

Over in the corner, one baby was smiling serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton said to David. "All these unhappy babies ........... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!"

[Swoop]

I walked into the pub toilet last night, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle.

The bloke laughed and said, "embarrassed about your penis, hey, lad?"

A bit embarrassed, I said; "Of course not!" And made my way over to the urinal next to him.

What a hypocrite, he sure seemed embarrassed watching me take a shit.

[Swoop]

An elephant, an ostrich and a crocodile stop a bloke in the street.
The crocodile pulls out a police badge and says, "We have reason to believe you are carrying substances of a hallucinogenic nature, Sir."

[MSTRS]

Must be some good shit - if you could mistake a pig for a crocodile...

[Smifffy]

An elephant, an ostrich and a crocodile stop a bloke in the street.
The crocodile pulls out a police badge and says, "We have reason to believe you are carrying substances of a hallucinogenic nature, Sir."

http://www.myconfinedspace.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/hallucinogenic.jpg

It was a chicken, not an ostrich.

[Swoop]

Q: How much coke did Charlie Sheen take?

A: Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

[Stirts]

NZ Post have a new stamp with a picture of a fanny on it, sadly it has had to be removed as 75% of men don't know how to lick it properly!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SKY NEWS: Lady Gaga has sent her sympathy to Phil Collins Wife on the sad news about his retirement from the music business.

She knows what it`s like to live with a cock...

[Ocean1]

NZ Post have a new stamp with a picture of a fanny on it, sadly it has had to be removed as 75% of men don't know how to lick it properly!


Slippery when wet is the right place innit?

Besides, we invented a machine to do that for you didn't we?

[Stirts]

Besides, we invented a machine to do that for you didn't we?

Interesting is the invention of the vibrator, and the medical philosophy behind it....

Quote
A physician in 1859 claimed that a quarter of all women suffered from hysteria, which is reasonable considering that one physician cataloged 75 pages of possible symptoms of hysteria and called the list incomplete; almost any ailment could fit the diagnosis.

Rachael P. Maines, author of The Technology of Orgasm: "Hysteria," the Vibrator, and Women's Sexual Satisfaction, has observed that such cases were quite profitable for physicians, since the patients were at no risk of death but needed constant treatment. The only problem was that physicians did not enjoy the tedious task of massage: The technique was difficult for a physician to master and could take hours to achieve "hysterical paroxysm." Referral to midwives, which had been common practice, meant a loss of business for the physician.

A solution was the invention of massage devices, which shortened treatment from hours to minutes, removing the need for midwives and increasing a physician’s treatment capacity. Already at the turn of the century, hydrotherapy devices were available at Bath, and by the mid-19th century, they were popular at many high-profile bathing resorts across Europe and in America. By 1870, a clockwork-driven vibrator was available for physicians. In 1873, the first electromechanical vibrator was used at an asylum in France for the treatment of hysteria.

While physicians of the period acknowledged that the disorder stemmed from sexual dissatisfaction, they seemed unaware of or unwilling to admit the sexual purposes of the devices used to treat it. In fact, the introduction of the speculum was far more controversial than that of the vibrator, perhaps because of its phallic nature.

By the turn of the century, the spread of home electricity brought the vibrator to the consumer market. The appeal of cheaper treatment in the privacy of one’s own home understandably made the vibrator a popular early home appliance. In fact, the electric home vibrator was on the market before many other home appliance ’essentials’: nine years before the electric vacuum cleaner and 10 years before the electric iron. A page from a Sears catalog of home electrical appliances from 1918 includes a portable vibrator with attachments, billed as ”Very useful and satisfactory for home service.”

It was invented out of pure lazyness then? :rofl:

[Laava]

Like this then?
http://thehollywoodscandal.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/vibratorSLIDE_1.jpg

[MSTRS]

...

It was invented out of pure lazyness then? :rofl:

No. No. No.

Out of a genuine desire to save you money...that you could then spend on shoes. Etc.

[Stirts]

Like this then?

A red cross? A very red cross woman if you don't satisfy her lady bits! can't see pic :bleh:


No. No. No.

Out of a genuine desire to save you money...that you could then spend on shoes. Etc.

How true, it does save us money - we spend YOUR money on shoes!

[Ocean1]

It was invented out of pure lazyness then? :rofl:

We make special heavy duty tools to satisfy you concave lot and your unnaturally prolonged fetishes and we're lazy?



Typical.

[slofox]

"The only problem was that physicians did not enjoy the tedious task of massage: The technique was difficult for a physician to master and could take hours to achieve "

Damn. I coulda made a FORTUNE!

[MSTRS]

There could be an 'opening' in ChCh at the mo.
Reports just in of prossies making between $700 and $1400 a night. So the guys are being taken care of.
With batteries not staying on the shelves and the power still off in a lot of homes, there must be some hysterical women in need...

[Swoop]

I'd been having an affair with my secretary for a while and often suggested we try a little bondage.

I was late this morning and as I walked into my office, I found my secretary, bound and gagged and bent over the desk.

"You little minx," I said, dropping my trousers.

"Your muffled moans are such a turn on," I said, panting heavily, "but I'm still going to have to tell you off, for leaving the safe wide open".

[Stirts]

What do you get if you drop a bag of maltesers at a weight watchers meeting?

A real life game of hungry hungry hippos

[Skinon]

I met a girl in the park, there was a instant spark between us.
As she fell to the ground and i had sex with her, i thought...

Dam these taser guns are worth the money!

[Skinon]

I'm SICK of double standards. My girlfriend buys a 'Rampant Rabbit with attachments' and she's seen as a 'naughty fun girl with a special new toy'.

But when i go and order a '240 volt deluxe fistmaster 5000 latex revolving pussy with realistic elasticated anus, imitation shit dribble, semen collection tray, and built in sadistic rape sound system', then that supposedly makes me some kind of pervert?

[Swoop]

If Claudia Shiffer married Brains from Thunderbirds;

Would that make her Claudia Shiffer-Brains?:scratch:

[MSTRS]

My daughter came home from school in tears.
I asked "What's the matter love?"
She said "One of my teachers was arrested for abusing children today."
I put my arm around her. "Did he do anything to you?"
She shook her head "No."
I asked "Then why are you crying?"
She sobbed "Even the fucking paedophiles aren't interested in me coz I'm ginger."
I didn't know what to say to her, she had a point.

[Swoop]

So, X-rated websites have been given the approval to have the XXX domain name?

Surely this is going to confuse the Americans when they are shopping for clothes online?:scratch:

[Banditbandit]

There was a knock on the door this morning.

I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who
aid: "I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said "Come in and sit down. Now, what do you want to talk
about"?

He said, " Fucked if I know I've never got this far before".

[Swoop]

Little Johnny & James are playing in the street when Johnny jumps into a cardboard box & goes "Brumbrrrr brrrr brum brum"
"What ya doing?" James asks
"I'm a lorry driver" says Johnny. James starts doing press ups
"What ya doing?" asks Johnny
James replies "I'm fucking your bird while you're away!"

[Banditbandit]

Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful woman "Will you marry me?"


The woman said "NO".


.....and the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and fucked skinny big-titted broads and hunted and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and ate pussy and ass-fucked cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was fuckin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up



...... The end

[Swoop]

I got a pie from the bakers today. As I was leaving I passed a black fella coming in. Then, the strangest thing happened. Me and this chap both heard it as clear as day! A little voice came out of my pie bag. It said "why don't you just piss off back to Africa, nigger." We were both furious, and took the pie to the baker to confront him about his racist pastry.

Turns out, it was a Ku Klux flan.

[Usarka]

That reminds me of an old favourite:

A black buys some cheese and is on the way home to feed his family. He drops it, it rolls down a hill, and a Puertorican guy picks it up, who decides to take it home to his own family. He gets home and says,

"Hi honey, I found a piece of Nacho cheese."
The wife asks, "But how do you know it's Nacho cheese?"

"Well, the black guy running after me was yelling, 'Hey, man, that's nacho cheese, man, that's nacho cheese!'"

[DMNTD]

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workers.

After several minutes, Morris had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said: "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied: "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

[Beren]

An Indian meets an Arab and says "I've got 10 kids. 1 more and I will have a cricket team"

The Arab says "I've got 17 wives and 1 more and I will have my own private golf course"

Hmm the Arab was obviously not a real golfer... or he would have known that he was supposed to do the back nine.

[Swoop]

I just rung my Japanese friend to make sure he was okay after the Tsunami and all he did was go on about his social life.

Just kept going on and on about a huge rave.

[Swoop]

There are 3 things in life that are certain -

Death,

Taxes,

and that if you load up Windows Media Player and the volume control is set right down to 2 or 5 out of 100, it means that the last person on there was watching porn.

[crazyhorse]

Mums in group therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.

You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.

[crazyhorse]

The Male Cycle



When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

[Swoop]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."

[Hinny]

A man is sitting at home, with his wife, on the verandah, drinking a beer.
He says, "I Love you",
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking"?
He replies, "It's me talking, to the beer".

[Swoop]

If you watch Mr. Bean without the laugh track it's a very moving drama about a man with severe learning difficulties who struggles to cope with simple everyday tasks.

[Swoop]

What's annoying as fuck and builds dams?


Justin beaver.

[yachtie10]

Had to laugh at this
235678

[crazyhorse]

CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY


Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tyred, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. .. .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

[Usarka]

What happened to Gentle Annie?

Kelvinator.

[Swoop]

It must be weird for Prince Harry going to his brothers stag do. Sitting next to him while they both tuck pictures of their nan into the strippers thong.

[Swoop]

My mother always told me that a good man is hard to find.

By that logic Bin Laden is the finest man to have ever lived!:shit:





A Muslim kid lost his mum in the supermarket. The manager asked him what she looked like. The kid said "Fucked if I know".

[Swoop]

I can't help but think that if Jesus had smartened himself up for the trial, things could have turned out differently.

[Laava]

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

[Laava]

INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST THREAT LEVEL RESPONSES

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross'. The English have not been 'A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from 'Tiresome' to 'A Bloody Nuisance'. The last time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from '****ed Off' to 'Let's get the Bastards'. They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Collaborate' and 'Surrender'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout Loudly and Excitedly' to 'Elaborate Military Posturing'. Two more levels remain: 'Ineffective Combat Operations' and 'Change Sides'.

The Germans have increased their alert state from 'Disdainful Arrogance' to 'Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs'. They also have two higher levels: 'Invade a Neighbor' and 'Lose'.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual. The only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies 'just in case'.

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from 'baaa' to 'BAAAA'. Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is 'I hope Australia will come and rescue us'.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from 'No worries' to 'She'll be right, mate'. Three more escalation levels remain 'Crikey!', 'I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend', and 'The barbie is cancelled'. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation levels.

[Laava]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wipe your nose and then shudder violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

[Laava]

Good ol Johnny

Teacher: If i gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, How many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
Very angry Teacher: Where the Hell do you get seven from?!?!?
Very angry Johnny: Because I already have one at home!!!
__________________

[Laava]

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the crap out of him.

[Laava]

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND.....

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud....
These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district.
Spellings have been left intact......


1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from p. E. For a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday.. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.

17. Sandy won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat , her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

[Swoop]

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?:scratch:





The Football Association have been investigating Wayne Rooney's foul-mouthed celebration at the weekend. He looked into a camera and shouted, "Fuck off! What? Fuck off!"

They have found that he was just having an argument with his reflection.

[crazyhorse]

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds couple in bed..
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the home owner's wife to the bed
The convict kisses her neck,
Then goes into the bathroom.


While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail
And hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,
Don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!'


His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute,
And asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too.'

[DMNTD]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.

" Nope," said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

[crazyhorse]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate


.................................................. .................................................. .



Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

[Swoop]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.




The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.


Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.


Man calls 111 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!



I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg!".




I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.




A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?
You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman "he's one of us."




I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $2.20 in her purse.






My blonde 42 DD neighbour sent round a planning officer to discuss my objection to the erection of an outdoor jacuzzi and sauna at her property.

"But Mr Swoop," he said, "it's being located behind 4 trees, a garage and an 8ft fence, anywhere else and you'd have an open view of it."

"Exactly!"

[Banditbandit]

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each.

"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back..

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy. There's no problem. But, I'm wondering, is your boyfriends a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

..........."Tell him his earrings are not real gold."

[Banditbandit]

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned
over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to
get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking
driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of
me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't
realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my
fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.

I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

[MSTRS]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[Swoop]

At what age is it appropriate to tell my dogs they are adopted?:scratch:

[Banditbandit]

Russell, the poofta, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.


The doctor comes back and says,' Russell , I'm not going to beat around the bush.
You have AIDS.'

Russell is devastated.. 'Doc, what can I do?

The doc says:
"Eat 1 curry sausage,
1 head of Cabbage,
20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,
10 Jalapeno Peppers,
40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,
1/2 box Of All Bran,
And top it off with a litre of prune juice..'

Russell asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'


Doc says, No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ARSE is for.

[Laava]

Scholastic Humor

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two elderly English professors were carrying on a loud argument in the halls. Another professor came up to them and asked what was the reason for the loud arguing.

One replied - we're discussing who was the greater playwright and author - Milton or Shakespeare. I say it's Milton but this dolt doesn't agree.

The third professor proposes a simple test to end the argument. He asks the two "what would each of these great men write if they saw a man with bowed legs?"

"Easy!" replies the first one. Milton would simply write "Over the hill and down the road comes a man whose legs are bowed"

The second professor scoffs at this and replies...Shakespeare would be far more profound. He'd write:

HARK! - What manner of man is this, who carries his balls in parentheses!!"

[Swoop]

A man owns a swishy cocktail bar and is looking to hire a pianist. He gets a bloke in who's got Tourette's, but he can play classics, blues, jazz, "and I fucking write my own cunting stuff as well", he says.

He plays this really haunting gentle piece.

"What do you call that?"
"The smell of my wife's cunt. Here's another fucker."
And it's another great piece of music,

"That was: my cock's up your arse, now wriggle bitch" And so on.

He was the best - so good that, reluctantly, the bar owner takes him on but on the condition that he doesn't speak to the customers at all. The waiters will take requests to avoid him talking with them. It works well and trade is up.

One night the pianist can see a girl facing him in a short skirt and no knickers. After half an hour of looking up seeing that, he gets so horny that he takes a break to have a wank.

He takes a while - there is no music.

The bar manager starts looking for him, bashes on the toilet door and says, "Get out there and play now or you don't get paid for tonight."

So he rushes his wank, goes back and starts playing.

One of the waiters sees he hasn't zipped up and rushes over.

"Hey do you know your flies are undone, your cock's hanging out and there's come stains all down your leg?"

He says "Know it? I fucking wrote it!"

[crazyhorse]

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above,

· sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,

· "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

· "I smoke ten cigars a day," she said, "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.

· “Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food

· On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

· "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

· "Forty," she replied

[MSTRS]

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said, ' I gonna do that when I win lottery ' ...

'What ' s dat ' , says his mate.

'Send me lawn away to be cut ' , says Paddy.

[Swoop]

As a man of Jewish descent I don't like jokes about us Jews.
I think they often cement prejudices and misinterpretations of the Jewish people and culture.
But every now and then even I enjoy a good laugh and feel that I shouldn't be so serious about everything.

So I have a very good joke about the holocaust here if anyone wants to buy it?

[Banditbandit]

Justice in Wellington

(AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the centre of a Wellington courtroom drama when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Hurricanes rugby team, whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone this year.

[Swoop]

Breaking News:

Archaeologists digging at the site of Shakespeare's house have uncovered thousands of monkey skeletons.

[rastuscat]

Breaking News:

Archaeologists digging at the site of Shakespeare's house have uncovered thousands of monkey skeletons.

Forgive me, but that one just swished right over the top.

DOH !!

[MSTRS]

Oh dear.

Here's one you are likely to understand...

Man said to wife: "Alright you sexy thing, bedroom now!" She looked at him and said "Ooh, you kinky bastard." He said "No, seriously, the footy's about to start... fuck off!"

[Stirts]

My retarded sister works in a cereal factory.

We call her Special Kay.

[avgas]

Forgive me, but that one just swished right over the top.

DOH !!
Mokeys......typewriters......1000's...........ulti mate play/story......

[Stirts]

Mokeys......typewriters......1000's...........ulti mate play/story......

Monkey has "n" missing off his keyboard :bleh:

[MSTRS]

Monkey has "n" missing off his keyboard :bleh:

Give him time...perhaps he'll luck upon it. :innocent:

[Swoop]

Forgive me, but that one just swished right over the top.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infinite_monkey_theorem
Scroll down to "popular culture" perhaps?

[BoristheBiter]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infinite_monkey_theorem
Scroll down to "popular culture" perhaps?

God they come up with some shit these days:facepalm:

[pzkpfw]

God they come up with some shit these days:facepalm:

There's always been shit. Now it's just more accessible.

(Which is why while technology and edumacation should all be increasing, we also get more and more dullards who cling to the wackiest ideas like homeopathy and crystals, and conspiracies like "the Moon landings were faked" or "the Royal Family are lizards".).

[Edbear]

There's always been shit. Now it's just more accessible.

(Which is why while technology and edumacation should all be increasing, we also get more and more dullards who cling to the wackiest ideas like homeopathy and crystals, and conspiracies like "the Moon landings were faked" or "the Royal Family are lizards".).

Next thing you'll be trying to tell us the Earth is round or summit... :blink: