Friday jokes

[Stirts]

"What a filthy, blasphemous, depraved bastard that David Cameron is," said a Muslim to his pal.

"Totally," replied his pal. "Now hurry up with that goat, it's my turn."

[husaberg]

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night.
The bartender motions to a young woman.
She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place.
After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.

"For what?"

The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."

The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up."
She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.

The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats shoots and leaves."

[Ocean1]

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night.
The bartender motions to a young woman.
She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place.
After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.

"For what?"

The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."

The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up."
She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.

The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats shoots and leaves."

Roots, dammit. Eats roots shoots and leaves.

Or is that Kiwis?....

[husaberg]

Roots, dammit. Eats roots shoots and leaves.

Or is that Kiwis?....

It can also be eats bushes and leaves.
I prefer shoots as it is more in keeping with the Pandas actual diet.

[Swoop]

VW have got into trouble for falsifying data. Apparently this is not the first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying about gas emissions.


&



Thanks to Volkswagen I'm now even starting to doubt if Herbie was a true story.

[Swoop]

Next topic...

David Cameron has finally issued a formal denial of the rumour going around, saying that while the initiation ceremony was going on he was having a quiet pint in his local pub.
He told reporters, "I was in the Hog's Head at the time."





Well, at least Cameron's stopped the risk of ambitious muslims sucking his cock.





The Hajj begins today, with millions of Muslims making the annual pilgrimage to Mecca.
This may come as a surprise to Hungarians , Croatians and others being trod underfoot, who thought Germany was hosting this year's event.

[roogazza]

316057316058

[Swoop]

Strangely, I haven't seen one headline reading:

"717 lucky chosen people, now living in paradise by Allah's side"...





717 people have been killed and 863 people were injured in a stampede near the Islamic holy city of Mecca when somebody shouted "SOAP!"






I bet the guy that shouted "Drone!" for a laugh feels a right cunt now.






Around eight hundred Muslims have been killed in a stampede. The rest of the family escaped unharmed.





European leaders today have decided that the annual Muslim Celebration of "HAJJ" should be held weekly.

[husaberg]

A fly was buzzing above a lake and a fish in the lake thought to itself, "If only that fly would drop six inches, I would be able to jump up and eat it."
A bear was in the lake and thought, "If only that fly would drop six inches, the fish would jump up and I would be able to catch the fish."
A hunter was on the grounds and he thought to himself, "If only that fly would drop six inches, the fish would catch the fly, the bear would catch the fish, and I could shoot that bear."
The hunter had a cheese sandwich that day, and a mouse wished, "If only that fly would drop six inches, that fish would catch the fly, the bear would catch the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear, and I would be able to get his cheese sandwich." A cat was nearby too, and said to itself, "If only that fly would drop six inches, the fish would catch the fly, the bear would catch the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear, the mouse would scramble for the cheese, and I would catch that mouse."

Then, the fly did drop six inches, got eaten by the fish, which was captured by the bear, which was shot by the hunter, whose cheese was stolen by the mouse, but the cat slipped and fell straight into the lake.









Moral of the story? Every time a fly drops six inches, there's bound to be a wet pussy.

[gjm]

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y261/gjm123/wet%20floor_zpsqmdkwnmk.jpg

[mashman]

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CPf1txVWUAA0k5q.jpg

[mashman]

http://www.risefeed.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/piggate.jpg

[gjm]

I thought that was going to be the "It's so dark and creepy, I'm scared" said Piglet. "You're scared?" said Pooh, "I've got to walk back on my own!"


https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CPf1txVWUAA0k5q.jpg

[caspernz]

Hone Harawira`s Goodbye


On a recent trip to the U.S.A., Maori Party M.P. Hone Harawira (alias John Hadfield ....... his true name .... his grandfather was a pakeha) was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in Kitimat, B.C. due to his recent examples of how to inflame the Maori Indigenous situation in New Zealand.

He spoke for almost an hour.... echoing his racist mother's doomed to fail radical ideas for increasing any First Nation's present standard of living.


At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented Hone with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - "Walking Eagle".


The proud Hone then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left.
A news reporter later asked the American Indian chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Hone.




They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly.

[Swoop]

Saudi Arabia's King Salman has asked for a review for the Hajj pilgrimage.

Personally, I'd give it four out of five stars!

[anebv8]

As I ran out of the supermarket this morning,the fat security guard started chasing me.After running around the car park a few times,I finally came to a stop.He grabbed me by the collar and breathlessly said,"Open your jacket." So I unzipped it and said,"I've got nothing mate." "Then why the fuck did you run?" He asked."Because I thought you could do with the exercise you fat bastard." I replied. :laugh:

[Swoop]

A crane collapses in Mecca killing over 100 people.

A stampede occurs during Hajj, killing nearly 800 people.

Europe's largest mosque, in South London, burns to the ground.

...and I thought it was bad things that happened in threes?







Reports of a major fire at a London Mosque have just been received by emergency services. A petrol tanker has been sent to the scene.







An explosive storage depot has caught fire in Morden, London. Or a "mosque" as the muslims prefer to call it.







I've just heard that the London mosque not actually on fire. Apparently it was just the VW MOT test centre behind it.

[roogazza]

316186316187316188

[roogazza]

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer.
Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show
and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly
arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl,

"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

[Swoop]

A young law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is

legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed

his exam but you've just given him an "A" which is neither legal, nor logical."

[Swoop]

Boomerangs.

Frisbees for lonely people.

[Erelyes]

My buddy Archie has refused to give me his recipe for Italian bread.

Fuck Archie huh.

[Daffyd]

My friend Gav died from an overdose of heartburn tablets the other day... I just can't believe Gavisgon!

[husaberg]

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.
To be honest, I should have seen the signs.



A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar.
The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"


What's large, grey, and doesn't matter?
An irrelephant.

[Swoop]

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

[roogazza]

316415316416316417316418

[roogazza]

316419xxxx

[Swoop]

If you wipe your arse with your bare hand, but think pork is dirty?
You might be a Muslim.


If you have a $3000 machine gun and a $5000 rocket launcher, but can't afford shoes?
You might be a Muslim.

[gjm]

3 little somethings that caused me to chuckle. :)

[anebv8]

I turned to my colleague and asked, "Do you smell something burning?"
23 years we've worked together at the Crematorium and that joke never gets old.

[anebv8]

i saw 6 guys walking round the cemetery yesterday with a coffin on their shoulders they were walking round and around for at least 20 minuets. i said to my friend i think they've lost the plot.

[YellowDog]

One dark night in a small town of Roselle Park, New Jersey a fire
started inside the local sausage factory.
In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to
all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage
company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our
secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant.
They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company
that brings them out and delivers them to me.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire
departments had to be called in because the situation became
desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president announced that the
offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000!

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire
truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Peterstown
section of Elizabeth, NJ . This fire department was composed mainly of
Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by
these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the
plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!

Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old
timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting
to save their own lives. Within a short time, the old timers had
extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for
such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to
$200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave
elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on
camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief;

'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, the 70-year-old fire
chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonna do isza fixa de brakes on dat
fockinna truck!!'

[Swoop]

I got a call from head office to tell me that two members of staff have accused me of sexism.

They didn't name names, but I bet it was 'Jenny Shit Tits' and 'Buffalo Cunt'.

[Swoop]

Despite being in a critical condition, Pauline Cefferkey doesn't have Ebola!

She is simply the first woman to catch 'Man Flu'!

[oneofsix]

An Englishman walks into a pub, there are usually a Scotsman, A welsh man and an Irish man as well but they are still watching the Rugby World Cup.

[Erelyes]

VW have got into trouble for falsifying data. Apparently this is not the first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying about gas emissions.

The new German alphabet.

ABDEFGHIJKLMNPQRSTUXYZ

It's a VW omissions scandal - and just after they'd gotten rid of CO, too.

[husaberg]

Two molecules walk into a bar. One says to the other “I think I have lost an electron.”

“Are you certain?” asks the other molecule.

“Yes, I’m positive.”


What's harder than getting 4 pregnant elephants in a Smartcar?

Getting 4 elephants pregnant in a Smartcar! (read carefully)

[husaberg]

A man inherited over one billion pounds from a long-lost uncle who happened to be an lord. The man, thrilled at his good fortune, asked his young son what he wanted.
He told his child that money was no object. The boy said he wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit. So the man bought him the England Rugby team.

[YellowDog]

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the
head gasket on my, imported in 2001, XR3i" rather than
"I've just fucked my 15 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been
confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mum's.

[roogazza]

316631316632316633316634

[pete376403]

If the toes in the shotgun photo belong to the seller .. gun was probably used during his shotgun wedding to his sister.

[oneofsix]

The Brothel
There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill.
There were four men ...
one was walking briskly up the hill;
one was inside the brothel;
one was walking slowly down the hill and
the fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.
What were the nationalities of the four men?
* The man going up the hill: was rushin
* The man in the brothel:
him-a-layin
* The man walking down the hill: was finish
* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green.

[husaberg]

TMO to Ref
http://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9802a4bLk1qbdffto5_250.gif
"Its not a punch, its a push to the face with a fist."

[NordieBoy]

Ref to TMO...

[husaberg]

Ref to TMO...

I watched it on replay again, it really was TMO to ref . My first thought was it was the other way around too.

Either way it doesn't trump Umanga "we are not playing tiddlywinks"
Tana Umaga: "I'd like to thank my parents, especially my mum and my dad."
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/vkhqyOZYwKQ" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Chris Masoe asked if he had been to the pyramids in egypt: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs we visited"

After biting Sean Fitzpatrick’s ear: “For an 18-month suspension, I feel I probably should have torn it off. Then at least I could say, ‘Look, I’ve returned to South Africa with the guy’s ear.'”Johan le Roux

“I’m still an amateur, of course, but I became rugby’s first millionaire five years ago.”David Campese (1991)

We’ve lost seven of our last eight matches. Only team that we’ve beaten was Western Samoa. Good job we didn’t play the whole of Samoa.”Gareth Davies (1989)

On Jonah Lomu: “I’ve seen a lot people like him, but they weren’t playing on the wing.”Colin Meads (1995)

“If we have to play against New Zealand, I’ll explain it like this. To win, their 15 players have to have a diarrhoea and we will have to put snipers around the field shooting at them and then we have to play the best match of our lives.”
Argentina second row Juan Martin Fernandez Lobbe

“Nobody in Rugby should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” Jono Gibbs – Chiefs

It’s basically the same, just darker.” Kevin Senio ( Auckland ), on Night Rugby vs Day Games

“I want to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes first.”David Holwell (Hurricanes)

“Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.”Ma’a Nonu

“We actually got the winning try three minutes from the end but then they scored.”Phil Waugh – Waratahs

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” Jerry Collins

“That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical.” Tony Brown

Murray Deaker: “Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?” Tana Umaga: “On what?”

“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.” Anton Oliver

“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby – but none of them serious.” Doc Mayhew

[Swoop]

I was shocked to discover that alcohol was illegal in Saudi Arabia.

That means they fuck camels while sober!

[Swoop]

If I ever get a chance to appear on daytime TV, I'm going to say:

Cunt, cunt, fuuuuck, shit!!
Cock, fuck, cuuuunt!!
Shiiitt, fuck, shiiitt, fuck!!
Cuuunt, shit, fuuuuck!!!!

That way, when they beep it out, it'll spell 'fuck' in morse code.

[awa355]

I was shocked to discover that alcohol was illegal in Saudi Arabia.

That means they fuck camels while sober!

We would stick a brown paper bag over the camel's head. :facepalm:

[SVboy]

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I would not pay $200 to have a lentil on my face!

[Swoop]

"That's alright, I will shit in the garden, thanks."

- Oscar Pistorious' next girlfriend he brings home.

[Big Dog]

Or straight to that part of the relationship where the door stays open.

Sent via tapatalk.

[Jase H]

What happens if you get home early.

316753

[onearmedbandit]

I watched it on replay again, it really was TMO to ref . My first thought was it was the other way around too.

Either way it doesn't trump Umanga "we are not playing tiddlywinks"
.........................


“That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical.” Tony Brown

Murray Deaker: “Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?” Tana Umaga: “On what?”

“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.” Anton Oliver

“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby – but none of them serious.” Doc Mayhew

So many of those are attributed to the wrong people or sport.

[Juniper]

4 out of 3 people struggle with math

[Juniper]

The third grade teacher asks her students to tell a story with a moral. The kids get up with the usual -- don't put all your eggs in one basket, etc..

Finally one boy gets up and says "My uncle Jim was in the Vietnam War. One night he was on sentry duty, drinking Jack Daniels, when the Viet Cong attacked. A bullet broke the bottle as a full company charged his position.

He mowed down about sixty of them with his M-60 until it jammed. Then he killed another twenty with his M-16 until it jammed, too. The last five charged in on him, and he beat four to death with his entrenching tool, then killed the last one with the broken bottle. Then he got another bottle of Jack and went back to drinking."

"And what can be the moral of this awful story?" asked the horrified teacher.

"Never fuck with uncle Jim when he's been drinking," said the boy.

[Juniper]

Met this old man the other night. We started talking. He said:
-When I was a boy, my mommy would send me down to the store on the corner, with only one dollar. I came home with a loaf of bread, coffee, a piece of nice meat, some potatoes, cheese, onions, some salt and even some candy for me. Can´t do that today.
-Oh, I said. The inflation been that bad?
-No. Just to many fucking security cameras everywhere.

[Juniper]

A Baptist preacher took his car to the garage of an old man in his congregation for an oil change.

The old man raised the car up on the hydraulic lift and went to work. The first wrench he tried on the oil plug was the wrong size. He muttered "goddam" under his breath and went to retrieve the right wrench. The preacher heard his veiled curse, but said nothing.

With the correct wrench, the old mechanic applied pressure to the oil drain plug, but it seemed to be stuck. He pulled harder and harder until the wrench slipped off the plug, almost send the old man reeling. "GODDAM!!"

The preacher now had to step in. He told the old man, "Please! If you have to say something, say 'God help'." The old man was apologetic "I'm sorry, parson" and vowed that he would try to control his temper.

Back on the drain plug, the man decided to use a little back pressure, tightening, to free the stuck plug. When he did this, the whole oil pan SPLIT from back to front, spilling hot oil all over the old man and across the floor. In desperation, he groaned loudly, "Oh, God HELP!!"

Miraculously, as if someone reversed a movie projector, the hot oil came up off the floor, off the old man and went back up into the crankcase, the oil pan fusing back together!

Seeing this, with his eyes like saucers, the preacher muttered, "Goddam".

[Juniper]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find me stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting flies,"
I responded.
"Oh. Killing many?"
She asked.
"Yep. 3 males, 2 females!"
Intrigued, she asked,
"How can you tell them apart?"

"3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone

[Juniper]

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office and declares, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!"

The hypnotherapist shakes his head and says. "Not again..."

[husaberg]

So many of those are attributed to the wrong people or sport.

They were from here I didn't write them I just edited out a few.
http://www.rugbybanter.com/?p=512
to be fair that Umanga one about an autobiography is all over the net.


This was the best one, but I thought England rugby had already suffered enough.

To Princess Anne’s son Peter Phillips, Gordonstoun School’s rugby captain, for his pre-match coin-toss preference -Grandmother or tails, sir? Anon rugby referee (1995)

[YellowDog]

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit
with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments, I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.. I will buzz you in.
Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor.
When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? . . .

"What . . . You're coming empty handed?"

[roogazza]

316754316755316756

[oneofsix]

Maori clock
Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Samoan led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.
"What's that big brass gong for ?" one of the friend's asked.
"Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Maori clock" he drunkenly replied.
"A talking Maori clock - seriously ?"
"Yup." "Hmmm (hic)."
"How's it work ?" the second friend asked, squinting at it.
"Just watch" he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back. His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, a Maori voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f*‪#‎k‬'s sake, you stupid coconut. It's ten past three in the f*‪#‎king‬ morning!!!"

[Robbo]

......................................

[anebv8]

This Halloween I'm turning all my lights out and pretending not to be home.

Fuck the ships! My lighthouse, my rules!

[anebv8]

I flopped my cock out in front of a girl last night and said, "Do you like my new piercing?"
After staring at my penis for 30 seconds she said, "Where's the piercing then?"
I said, "In my ear."

[YellowDog]

He was going to say "Fark me you're big" and thought better of it :o

[anebv8]

I used to go into the Greggs everday for Pies and sausage rolls and cakes because I fancied the girl that worked behind the counter.
It took me ages but I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out.
She told me to fuck off because I was a fat cunt.

[anebv8]

I spent ages trying to cross a busy road yesterday.

Some passer-by said, "Hey, there's a zebra crossing fifty yards up the road."

I thought, 'Well I certainly hope he's having better luck than me.'

[gjm]

I went to the library and asked about a book covering Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat.

The librarian said it rang a bell, but didn't know if it was on the shelf or not.

[anebv8]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the WINZ
to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage
of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2015 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,"You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
You started it." .....

[YellowDog]

The World Health Organisation have stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer.

Statistics also show that not eating bacon, dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.

[Stirts]

The World Health Organisation have stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer.

Statistics also show that not eating bacon, dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.

David Cameron must be shitting himself about getting testicular cancer.

[anebv8]

THE RECTUM STRETCHER!

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked

'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge

[husaberg]

The rock star economy.
http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/e7/e718a005c33dbd7232f52de5bcf9948db0349ddd920a5104d1 54f61393561f8e.jpg

[schrodingers cat]

Bloke goes into the library and asks the librarian for a book on suicide.
"Fuck off" says the librarian, "you won't bring it back."

[YellowDog]

http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb93/andwend/fine_zpsebv58gx1.jpg

[gjm]

Paddy decides his pet python has grown too large for him to keep, so he lists it on TradeMe.

A bloke rings up and asks "Is it big?"

Paddy says "Massive."

"How many feet?" asks the bloke.

Paddy replies "None. It's a snake, ya feckin' eejit!"

[gjm]

http://i1091.photobucket.com/albums/i382/lynch86/10501703_10207793559787468_70578894345609783_n.jpg

[Swoop]

There's plenty of jobs in the porn industry when you have a dick like mine!





Camera man, light and sound technician, make up artist, or even production manager.

[flashg]

When I was in the industry the toilets weren't kept very clean

[Laava]

When I was in the industry the toilets weren't kept very clean

WTF? You can't piss into a toilet with a hardon! Were you going for the ceiling deflection?

[Maha]

WTF? You can't piss into a toilet with a hardon! Were you going for the ceiling deflection?

It's a bugger to find that out at a sleepy 3am. :rolleyes:

[gjm]

Researchers at the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near SH1 north of Hamilton recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

An Ornithological Behaviorist was called in to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills, who very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Lorry."

[Moise]

Obviously British crows. Australian crows would say "truck".

[awa355]

When I was in the industry the toilets weren't kept very clean

You were a 'Spyder'????? :gob:

[tri boy]

Obviously British crows. Australian crows would say "truck".

Aussie crows sound more like: FARK, Fark, fark............:ar15:Lead injection to their heads help.
They are a shitty alarm clock.

[Swoop]

Thought I'd seen the end of the Trick or Treaters after I'd poured a bucket of piss over the last lot from my upstairs window, but, fuck me, within five minutes two much older looking kids knocked on the door and got the same treatment.

I'd love to see them explain the smell when they take those police costumes back to the fancy dress shop.

[roogazza]

317110317111317112317113

haha that last one I did the same with a coathanger in Spain once, to charge my shaver.

[oldrider]

Thought I'd seen the end of the Trick or Treaters after I'd poured a bucket of piss over the last lot from my upstairs window, but, fuck me, within five minutes two much older looking kids knocked on the door and got the same treatment.

I'd love to see them explain the smell when they take those police costumes back to the fancy dress shop.

Hey Swoop - good luck with that one! :lol:

[YellowDog]

any takers ?

[5150]

any takers ?

You that desperate? That little shit head Akzle might be keen for a spooning sesh with ya :msn-wink:

[Swoop]

Hey Swoop - good luck with that one! :lol:
The little pricks haven't come back yet. I guess they are still washing their costumes at the fancy dress hire shop!

[oneofsix]

demonstration of sealskin riding gear

317169

[gjm]

any takers ?

https://scontent-syd1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash2/v/t1.0-9/1174917_10153108548685058_1443857177_n.jpg?oh=3f22 7cafc92651d4a93dfc417a047211&oe=56F49C49

[Swoop]

Manoeuvre: A movement or series of moves requiring skill and care.

Womanoeuvre: Ramming your car into other objects and vehicles until it fits into the parking space.






(Sadly, I've personally witnessed this activity by a chinese driver, in Auckland)

[roogazza]

317218317219317220

[anebv8]

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.

[Robbo]

This is a stunt not to be missed..:lol::lol:

[anebv8]

A Hotel guest calls the Front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter."

[roogazza]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend :
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,


" What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[5150]

Question of the day:

How do blind people know when to stop wiping their arses?

[Ntoxcated]

Question of the day:

How do blind people know when to stop wiping their arses?

Scratch 'n' sniff? :sick:

[Swoop]

I can't believe Scientology is trying to get away with calling itself a religion. You're not a real religion until you're responsible for at least a million deaths.





I can't take Scientology seriously. It's the belief that humans were brought to earth by aliens on a spaceship carried by two massive lizards, which landed in a volcano and dispersed humans throughout the world. Then the aliens take off, and the lizards go and hide under the sea in massive caves.

Add two Italian plumbers to that and you've got the first five levels of Super Mario!

[Swoop]

"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars."

"That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic".

[gjm]

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
So Jack could lick her candy.
Jack got a shock
And a mouthful of cock
'cos Jill's real name was Randy.

[Swoop]

The worst thing about owls is the way that they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

[Swoop]

Did you know that 2 hydrogen buffalo + 1 oxygen buffalo = 1 water buffalo?

[anebv8]

probably been posted before....


Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s there for five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, “How much?”
“A hundred dollars.”
“Damn. All I've got is thirty.”
“Hold on,” she says and runs back to Harry. “
What can he get for thirty dollars?”
“A handjob,” Harry replies.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a HUGE cock. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.”
She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, “Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

[YellowDog]

A husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion.
After meeting several of her friends and former school mates,
they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.
The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing,
moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy?
40 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

The husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

[roogazza]

317537317538

[Swoop]

Caitlyn Jenner has just been formally awarded "Woman of the Year" by Glamour magazine.

How can you be "Woman of the Year" if you haven't even been a woman for a year?

[Swoop]

The orchestra conductor was laying into the second violin: 'If you don't buck up your ideas and demonstrate to me that you are worthy of being called a musician, I'll take away your violin and your bow, give you two drumsticks, and move you to the percussion section.'

The drummer then chimed in with: 'Yeah, and if you can't play the drums, we'll take away one of your sticks...and make you the conductor!'

[Moi]

Yeah, I know it's not Friday...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a Ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working,"replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, may I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read It.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.


The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you?
Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the
paper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."


So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the Barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ..

"What the f**k would they want with a plasterer??!"

[slofox]

317609317610317611317612317613

I reckon that last one comes from a bike shop.

[yokel]

Interviewing a gold digger.

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/YQOhu1my1Rw" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[slofox]

More signs...

317634317635317636317637317638

[slofox]

Last five.


317644317645317646317647317648

[anebv8]

85-year-old Biker Bob was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. ’

The next day Bob reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the old biker explained, 'Well you see, doc, it’s like this. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my old lady for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Sally, the Gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’ The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

Bob replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that damn jar open.’

[Swoop]

The Welsh have just changed their system of organ donation to one of "assumed consent".

This is the same system they have successfully been applying to sex with sheep for centuries.

[husaberg]

The Welsh have just changed their system of organ donation to one of "assumed consent".

This is the same system they have successfully been applying to sex with sheep for centuries.

You old kidder..................

[roogazza]

317688317689317690317691317692

[Swoop]

If I'm going to hell, I hope I go to Muslim hell.

They probably only serve bacon.

[Swoop]

I rang up work this morning..

"My wife passed away in the early hours," I told them. "I'm going to need some time off work."

"Oh dear, sorry for your loss," the receptionist said. "And of course we understand. Take as much time off as you need."

"Thank you," I replied. "It'll be about eighteen years, providing I behave myself."

[5150]

What could possibly go wrong? :facepalm:

317741

[awa355]

Seriously, would you tap this??..

The woman really needs a new PR agent..

http://i1074.photobucket.com/albums/w420/awa355/judith.jpg

[husaberg]

Seriously, would you tap this??..

The woman really needs a new PR agent..


http://i1074.photobucket.com/albums/w420/awa355/judith.jpg
I'd Bang her.













over the head with some plumbing supplies

[Swoop]

Seriously, would you tap this?
Sue badford was just on the telly, with his normal rhetoric and utter crap.
Crusher is looking rather appealing in comparison...

[gjm]

Seriously, would you tap this??..

The woman really needs a new PR agent..

http://i1074.photobucket.com/albums/w420/awa355/judith.jpg


I'd Bang her.

This should be in the sickest jokes thread! ;)

(OK - I did ignore the rest of your comment!)

[husaberg]

This should be in the sickest jokes thread! ;)

(OK - I did ignore the rest of your comment!)

Nah She was pretty hot back when she was in Dynasty in the 80's.
I love a fake British accent.

[Ocean1]

Sue badford was just on the telly, with his normal rhetoric and utter crap.
Crusher is looking rather appealing in comparison...

You just had to make me go look, dincha?

317761

[5150]

Seriously, would you tap this??..



Yeah, I'd tap her......with a baseball bat over her head..............

[roogazza]

You just had to make me go look, dincha?

317761

A bullet would be best for that life support system.Looks like a rat has been gawing on it.

317770317771317772

[Swoop]

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?"

His granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen!?"

[roogazza]

317845317846317847317848

[Swoop]

My Wife and I are having my Muslim work colleague Abdul and his wife, come over tonight for a sophisticated dinner.

I'm having a nightmare though...I cannot believe I've been to 7 different Mad Butcher's in the area and not one of them had Halal Pork Chops.

[Swoop]

"I hear the FBI have foiled a terrorist plot to kill Donald Trump! " I said to my friend.

"What, a suicide bomber?" he asked.

"No, a surface to hair missile" I replied.

[gjm]

Two blondes decided they wanted a 'real' Christmas tree, not a fake one.

They planned, and did a good job of it. Warm clothes, durable 4x4, chainsaw (and spare chainsaw) with fuel and oil, supplies - a veritable expedition was envisaged and they made sure they were ready for it. A good job - anyone would say so.

They set out at dawn. Arriving in their 'hunting ground' they agreed that only the perfect tree would be suitable.

3 days later, and hundreds of trees discarded as not being 'the one', they decided to cut down the next tree they saw, whether it was decorated or not.

[Swoop]

I was looking for a Christmas gift for my nan when my mother told me to make sure that I got her something practical that she would use.

I can't wait to see her face when she unwraps her coffin on Christmas morning.

[husaberg]

Two snowmen are standing next to each other in a yard.
One says to the other, “Funny, I smell carrots too.”

What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? Boobies.

A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables…the bartender says, buddy, I’ll serve you as long as you don’t start anything.

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s steering wheel hanging from his crotch. Bartender says, what the hell is that? Pirate says, I dunno, but it’s drivin’ me nuts!

What do you have when you have two little green balls in the palm of your hand?? ...................... Kermit’s undivided attention!

[YellowDog]

An easy mistake to make :o

[roogazza]

317956317957317958

[roogazza]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.

And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP!'

[YellowDog]

With Christmas upon us again I would like to share a personal and life changing experience with my family and friends - involving drinking and driving.

I hope you can all learn something valuable from this.

Two days ago we were in the City for an evening with friends and had a few beers and a Cheeky Pinot.

Although feeling OK we still had the sense to know that we were probably slightly over the limit. That's when we did something that we normally would not do - we actually took a cab.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadblock but since we were in a cab they waved us past and we arrived home safely without incident.


This was a real surprise, as we had never driven a cab before, we don't know where we got it and now that it's in our garage and we don't know what to do with it.

So if you want to borrow it give me a call.

Merry Christmas.

[gjm]

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of builders turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two dollars in 10c coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those wankers at Placemakers deliver the fucking bricks on time.'

[seattle smitty]

Oh, haw, three good ones in a row! This one is better delivered verbally, but it's about all I have at the moment:

Two cannibals meet and greet one another in the middle of a remote jungle isle in the South Pacific. They are members of a large tribe, and not well acquainted with each other.

"So . . . how's hunting?," says the first cannibal.

"Just great!" exclaims the other. "I caught two monks this morning!"

"What? 'Monks'? You mean monkees??"

"No, no, monks. You know, like, priests. You remember a few months ago when that white mans' boat came ashore with a bunch of religious types that wanted convert us to their ways?"

"Oh, okay, yeah I remember," says the first. "We showed them a good time, and acted like we were going along with their nonsense before we rounded 'em up and dealt with them in our . . . ahem . . . usual fashion."

"That's right," said the second, "But you know a few of them escaped into the jungle? Well, I caught two of them this morning!!"

"That's great," said the first; "Ya gonna have a big feed, a shindig?"

"Oh, yeah!," says the second, "You guys are all invited. The gals are out gathering wood so we can cook 'em up this evening."

The first cannibal thinks a bit, then asks, "Uh, these "monks," how're you going to cook them?"

The second, baffled by the question, "What do you mean? We'll boil 'em in a big pot, just like we always do,"

First one, "Well now wait a minute; what were they wearing, your monks?"

Second one, even more baffled, "What were they wearing??? Shoot, I don't know, let me think, okay, they were wearing real plain brown robes, and had some sort of sandals on their feet, oh, and their heads were partly shaved, . . . ."

First cannibal, "Oh, no, you can't boil them. They're friars!"



(fryers)

[anebv8]

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?"

The old golfer leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear
says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

[gjm]

One-page karaoke

[roogazza]

When I was young I had a difficult decision to make . . . whether to be a doctor or a pilot.

On the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who said SPINE are physicians today. The rest of us are pilots sending jokes by email.

[5150]

So if C-3PO is a droid, why hasn't anyone programmed him to be less annoying? :scratch:

[Swoop]

"And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time"

There won't be much food, peace or a cure for AIDS either, but I'm sure it's the lack of snow that really gets them down.

[Swoop]

There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join.

But enough about the church...

[Swoop]

I received a call from the police today, telling me my wife had been involved in a car accident.

"Is she okay?" I asked, worriedly.

"Well, she does have a couple of big bumps and a very large gash." he replied.

"I know that, but is she injured in any way?"

[AllanB]

This joke

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php/177313-MUST-SEE-DOCUMENTARY-How-Big-Oil-Conquered-the-World

[Swoop]

This joke

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php/177313-MUST-SEE-DOCUMENTARY-How-Big-Oil-Conquered-the-World

This is a thread for jokes, NOT trolls.
Consider yourself chastised.

[husaberg]

Be patient....... wait for it.........I said be patient......
a few more seconds

I said be patient a few more seconds


318285

[Swoop]

I'm not addicted to cocaine.

I just like the way it smells.

[husaberg]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/ac/7e/6f/ac7e6f392fb9f02912ff0dd90e5bc95f.jpg

[anebv8]

I got pulled over by the Police last night and ordered to get out of my car by some female Police officer.
"You're staggering," said the officer. "You're not a bad looking babe yourself," I replied.
So, yeah ... could any of you bail me out?

[anebv8]

A Kiwi man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an Aussie tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Kiwi politely ignored the Australian, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The Aussie snapped his gum and said, 'You Kiwi folk eat the whole bread?'
The Kiwi frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'
The Aussie blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In Aussie, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them transform them into croissants and sell them to Kiwi's
The Aussie had a smirk on his face. The Kiwi listened in silence.
The Aussie persisted, Do you eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Kiwi replied, 'of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Aussie said, 'we don't. In Aussie, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, and then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to New Zealand
The Kiwi then asked, 'Do you have sex in Aussie?'
The Aussie smiled and said 'Why of course we do.'
The Kiwi leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Kiwi's turn to smile.
'We don't. In New Zealand, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Australia. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?

[gjm]

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thanks!"

I said, "Don't mention it."

[anebv8]

A man on his way home from the pub decides to take a short-cut through an unlit park.A woman approaches him and offers to fuck his brains out for $5.The man thinks to himself that this is a chance too good to miss, so hands over the $5. She leads him into a bush and they get under way.A policeman happens to pass by, hears them at it and notices the bush shaking.He approaches, shines his torch on the pair and asks the man what he"s doing.The man replies calmly, "I"m just having sex with my wife, officer. Do you mind?"The officer responds, "I"m sorry, sir, I didn"t realise it was your wife."The man quickly replies, "that"s quite alright, officer - until you shone your torch on her face, neither did I. ;)

[gjm]

"Doctor, doctor!
My sister keeps treating me the way Lucy treats Linus, and I don't like it!"

"Sounds like you've got analogy to Peanuts."

[husaberg]

My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
So what’s your question?

[WristTwister]

I thought I'd add a few one liners here, even though it's not Friday.

Dating a teacher can be a little different, they always want you to put your hand up before intercourse :headbang:

A lot of people txt while driving, but I guess we all do something we regret while we're drunk.:drool:

The police are going to give drivers on the spot $500 fines for bad driving, I think that's a bit sexist. :Oi:

There's a special term for people who have seen ghosts, schizophrenic.:wacko:

Not all fat people are jolly, some of them are women. :oi-grr:

I saw a transvestite in a micro skirt and thought "Hmm, wearing that skirt shows a lot of balls":shake:

The worst thing about being bitten by a poisonous spider is that means you're probably Australian too.:scratch:

So 50 Shades of Grey was the biggest selling book so far this decade - what is the world coming too?:tugger:

If anyone asks me later for sex, I'm going to have to disappoint you. I mean we can have sex, it'll just be disappointing.:weep:

[husaberg]

http://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/showthread.php/21680-What-s-your-sickest-joke/page96

[roogazza]

Larry the Fighter Pilot



A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a NAVY Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?"



"I wanna be Larry’s whore."

[Rhys]

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[J.A.W.]

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped...It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.


Yeah..

That one done dug up a Les Dawson classic from the ol' memory banks..


Last time I saw my mother-in-law..

She was lying face down on the beer soaked floor of a local public bar, & a 1/2 doz Hells Angels were working her over..
.. whippin' on her but good, with pool cues..

My missus piped up & pushed me forwards, hissing.. "Help..help!"

I reassured her..

"Look darlin' - the 6 of 'em seem to have the situation under control, - but tell ya what.. if they can't handle it,
.. & that mean ol' bitch even looks like getting up, I'll put the bloody boot in to 'er, no worries, eh love"..

[Swoop]

David Bowie dies at 69

Alan Rickman dies at 69

Don't think I'll bother asking my girlfriend to come round tonight.

[gjm]

David Bowie dies at 69

Alan Rickman dies at 69

Don't think I'll bother asking my girlfriend to come round tonight.

And Donald Trump is still alive... At 69...

[J.A.W.]

And Donald Trump is still alive... At 69...


Whaaa? You mean D.T.'s fabulous comb-over.. is actually a mirkin?

[Swoop]

Well I'll be buggered, those bloody fools at the flipping hospital have only sodding gone and diagnosed me of having a mild case of blinking tourettes.

[awa355]

And right now is not a good time to be related to Celine Dion. :no:

[5150]

And right now is not a good time to be related to Celine Dion. :no:

Who is Celine Dion??? :confused:

[Swoop]

Celine Dion has confirmed her husband Rene Angelil has died from cancer.

Nice try Celine, but Bowie's number one this week.

[awa355]

Celine Dion has confirmed her husband Rene Angelil has died from cancer.

Nice try Celine, but Bowie's number one this week.

People will do anything to sell a few more records :oi-grr:.

[eldog]

People will do anything to sell a few more records :oi-grr:.

What's a record?

must be showing my age:brick:

[YellowDog]

A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which.
A neighbour suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked
great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's
tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail.

Our blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbor then suggested
that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other
horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, our blonde
friend couldn't tell the two horses apart.

The neighbour then suggested that she measure the horses for height.
When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse
was 2 inches taller than the black one :nono:

[roogazza]

Are my Testicles Black?


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir.

I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me.

Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure

and heart rate from worrying about his testicles,

she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand

and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says,

"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:


"Are - My - Test - Results - Back?"

[Swoop]

How can you recognise a French war-veteran?

Sunburned armpits.

[Scuba_Steve]

What's a record?


They're these round things DJ's use, they move em back n forth in quick succession for that "wiki wiki" sound

[eldog]

They're these round things DJ's use, they move em back n forth in quick succession for that "wiki wiki" sound

Thought those were CDs.... Now computers don't seem to be coming out with these drives now days.

[YellowDog]

Murphy go into a pastry shop with his mate.
His mate whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't even notice.
His mate says to Murphy, "You see how clever I am, beat that! ...
Murphy says to his mate, "Watch dis, I is smarter din you, and I'll prove it to ya."
He says to the baker, "Gimme a cookie, I'll show ya a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie, which he promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker, "Gimme anudder cookie for me magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him.
He eats this one too.
Then he says again, "Gimme one more cookie..."
The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway. He
eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells,
"OK... And now where is your famous magic trick?"
Murphy says....
"Now look in that guy's pocket!"

[anebv8]

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say "Your Honor, I'm guilty but..... There were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too, so I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honour, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?" I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap! Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise grip alone are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy... The door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire," found me... standing on my tip-toes, half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did, but thanks anyway." "OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honour, is exactly how her head ended up between clamps...." The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed".

[Swoop]

FOR SALE!!!

Selling my old ride. 1982 model. Exterior tidy. Interior flogged out (details below). Very noisy unit. Rare 82 model with dual air bags in working order. Has been rear ended far too many times and is full of bog. It has very little grunt and has a top end whining noise when you drive it hard, very temperamental thing. Running gear is worn, Box BADLY needs an overhaul, been flogged by too many drivers with no oil in it. Has been bored out beyond it's limits, 15 years of piston slap has taken it's toll on it too, can dangle two oversized pistons in one chamber and still have room to flip a coin. Very filthy, stinks like cat piss on a dog shit. I'd put covers on if you intend on driving it ANYWHERE, pisses out leaks everywhere when warmed up and foams at the head. AS IS, WHERE IS, NO WARRANTY, NO RETURNS AND NO REFUNDS!
Make an offer or swap for a , (I don't even give a fuck if it's a 4 pack of vodka cruisers.
(Might be a fixer-upper for a VERY patient and wealthy buyer).

[Swoop]

The Axle joke...


Axle met a girl in a nightclub and told her, "I'm going to fuck you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to mine."

She replied, "Wow! Let's go - it's good to find a man with such stamina these days."

For some reason, she didn't seem too impressed when they finally got to the caravan.:shifty:

[husaberg]

The Axle joke...


Axle met a girl in a nightclub and told her, "I'm going to fuck you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to mine."

She replied, "Wow! Let's go - it's good to find a man with such stamina these days."

For some reason, she didn't seem too impressed when they finally got to the caravan.:shifty:

You had me at axel...............http://mob122.photobucket.com/albums/o247/tae_666/PLURK%20EMOTICON/gay_hand.gif

[Akzle]

The Axle joke...


Axle met a girl in a nightclub and told her, "I'm going to fuck you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to mine."

She replied, "Wow! Let's go - it's good to find a man with such stamina these days."

For some reason, she didn't seem too impressed when they finally got to the caravan.:shifty:
:laugh: :laugh:
but, fuck we did!

Your sister wants you to pick her up, btw.

You had me at axel...............:corn:

we know. We all know.
Now put your cock back in your pants and wash your hands before touching anything else.

[husaberg]

we know. We all know.
Now put your cock back in your pants and wash your hands before touching anything else.

Weak especially apt considering that last week was when the joke was, Yet this is the best you can come up with.
Do you have any other narcissistic insights into your psychosis that you whish to share?

[Akzle]

Weak especially apt considering that last week was when the joke was, Yet this is the best you can come up with.
Do you have any other narcissistic insights into your psychosis that you whish to share?

it's not narcissism when it's coming from you.

And it was yesterday.

You're a fucking idiot. Kill yourself.

[husaberg]

it's not narcissism when it's coming from you.

And it was yesterday.

You're a fucking idiot. Kill yourself.

Oh....I now see why you are confused, so I will spell it out .
THIS IS THE FRIDAY JOKE THREAD-------- NOT THE GOAT THREAD.

[Akzle]

OHh....I now see why you are confused, so I will spell it out .
THIS IS THE FRIDAY JOKE THREAD-------- NOT THE GOAT THREAD.

im not confused. It's not friday. You're the joke.

Lololololol.

[husaberg]

im not confused. It's not friday. You're the joke.

Lololololol.

319087319088319089319090

[Swoop]

Your sister wants you to pick her up, btw.
Don't have a sister, so I guess you are confused with your sister.

Presumably she's not happy with your sexual appetite.

[anebv8]

My father began teaching business classes at the local prison through a community college.
On his first night of class, he started a chapter on banking. During the course of his lecture, the subject of ATMs came up and he mentioned that, on average, most machines contain only about $1,500 at a given time.
Just then, a man in the back raised his hand.
"I'm not trying to be disrespectful," he told my father, "but the machine I robbed had about $3,000 in it."

[Swoop]

Taylor Swift has five hundred songs about guys leaving her and none about blow-jobs.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

[Swoop]

I brought a bunch of flowers for my first date with a vegan.

"That's really sweet," she said.

"Well I didn't know what you vegans ate."

[YellowDog]

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'


'For F*-#?? sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

[Swoop]

My old Mum used to say, "Always give your food a good rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman, terrible sandwiches.

[Swoop]

My 6-year-old son asked, "Daddy, why do people pay tax?"

I replied, "Well son, we pay tax so that Apple, Amazon, Starbucks & Google don't have to."

[YellowDog]

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[YellowDog]

Two Italians chartered a small plane to fly to Canada for a moose hunting trip.

They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours".

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off.

However, while attempting to cross some mountain even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Mario and Fabio survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Fabio asked Mario "Any idea where we are?" Mario replied "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year".

[roogazza]

319279319280

[Swoop]

Chris Evans has announced that Matt LeBlanc will co-host Top Gear with him.

You should record this, as it's the only time you'll see a ginger with a friend.

[ElCoyote]

Chris Evans has announced that Matt LeBlanc will co-host Top Gear with him.

You should record this, as it's the only time you'll see a ginger with a friend.

I resemble that remark.

Shaun Harris's Mom.

[Swoop]

Today someone told me my actions would have grim repercussions.

I thought, "Aren't they what Death sits on?"

[Swoop]

Coldplay AND Bono on the same stage at the same time.

You had your chance to gain some serious popularity points ISIL, and you fucking blew it!

[anebv8]

I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it - I had it. Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it, I had it. It was the same with Guinness and Cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push his fucking pram.

[YellowDog]

I took my biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells...
Apparently 'Aboriginals' and 'Muslims' were not the correct answers.

A fat girl took a while to serve me in McDonald's at lunch time today...
She said, "Sorry about the wait."
I said, "Don't worry dear. You might lose it eventually."

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop, as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said, "Any change?"
I said "Nope, you're still black."

Snow in the forecast!
The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!"

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks him, "What's wrong?"
The boy says, "Me ma is dead".
"Oh bejaysus," the man says, "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?"
The boy replies, "No tanks, mister... sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.."

Years ago it was suggested, that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works much better !

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days, when you could look
at an unattended bag on a train or a bus, and think to yourself, 'I'm gonna take that!'

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland ..
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him,
"Where am I ?"
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back,
"You can't fool me... you're in dat basket up dere."

I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question, which I got wrong.
The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair ?"
Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.

A woman has a medical at the doctors...
"You are grossly overweight," he says.
"I want a 2nd opinion," she exclaimed.
"Okay... you're ugly as well.

[roogazza]

319421319422319423319424

[gjm]

My girlfriend threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.

It's okay though. I only have super fish oil injuries.

[5150]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now."

[YellowDog]

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the
Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and
asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?'

'Sex!!' he replies

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held
a gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just
hold it for a while.'

Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes
his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet
secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and
Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting
by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding
Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does
Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'

[YellowDog]

https://scontent-syd1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-9/11227642_949807118410210_1568601959763496584_n.jpg ?oh=741e04af493b7fa507592fdecb270745&oe=5726F20A

[husaberg]

http://i.imgur.com/lfbFEim.jpg

[gjm]

Antonin Scalia requested cremation in his will, but millions of women are going to discuss whether that's best for his body.

[husaberg]

Antonin Scalia requested cremation in his will, but millions of women are going to discuss whether that's best for his body.

Choice joke that one.

[oldrider]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'.

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock. :rolleyes:

[5150]

Q: How do you tell a Sunni from a Shiite?
A: The Sunnis are the ones with the Shiite blown out of them.

Q: Do you know what the secret of an islamic marriage is?
A: The man get's to see a striptease every night.

Q: How does every Islamic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: What's the difference between a Muslim and a vampire?
A: At some point the vampire will stop being bloodthirsty.

Q: What's the difference between Mike Tyson and Osama Bin Laden?
A: Mike Tyson can take a shot to the head.

Q: How does a Muslim close the door?
A: Islams it.

Q: Did you hear about the Catholic Iraqi?
A: He was a Shite Muslim.

Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Middle Eastern beauty contest?
A: Me neither.

Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

Q: What do you call a drunken Muslim?
A: Mohammered.

Q: What do you call an evil Muslim?
A: Mu Ha Ha Ha Med.

Q: How did you get out of Iraq?
A: Iran

Q: What do you call a Muslim on a toilet?
A: Islamic Relief.

Q: What is the most popular kids show in the Middle East?
A: Dora the Exploder!

Q: What did the Muslim train conductor say?
A: Allah board.

Q: A muslim, a socialist, and a communist walk into a bar.
A: The bartender says hello Mr. President.

Q: Why are they clueless in Saudi Arabia?
A: Cause they live under Iraq.

Q: "What do you call a Muslim shrink?
A: A terrorpist."

Q: What is Al Qaida now learning after Osama Bin Laden's death?
A: Don't put your contact info on the Playstation Network!

Q: Why doesn't Gaddafi go out drinking?
A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?

Q: What do you call a Muslim who loves to shop?
A: Abaya.

Q: Why does Iraq smell so bad?
A: Because they have alot of gas.

Q: What do you call a Muslim stripper?
A: youseen memuff

Q: What do Muslim men do during foreplay?
A: Tickle the goat under the chin.

Q: How do you get an Arabian prince to fall in love with you?
A: With a raspberry beret.

Q: What do you call a Muslim taking a bath?
A: Ali Lujah!

Q: What do you call a Muslim woman with an opinion?
A: Anything you want she's already been stoned to death.

Q: What do you call a Muslim alcoholic?
A: Allah Vabeer

Q: What do you call a terrorist attack in the Middle East?
A: a Selfie!

Q: Why did the radical Muslim go to the airport and blow himself up?
A: He wanted to go everywhere.

Q: What do you say to a Pakistani at Christmas?
A: A quart of milk, a loaf of bread and a pack of Marlboros please.

Q: Did you hear about the Muslim party?
A: It was a blast.

Q. What can the Palestinians do to raise the average IQ in the West Bank?
A. Allow Jews to come in.

Q: What do you call a bad Muslim eye doctor?
A: Asif Eyecare

Q: What do you call a bad Lebanese oncologist?
A: Big Fata Liar.

Q: What should Iraq get for its air defense system?
A: A refund.

Q: What do you call a muslim Elvis impersonator?
A: Amal Shookup

Q: What do you call a half Irish half Muslim husband?
A: O'Pressive.

Q: Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q: Why aren't there any Walmarts in Afghanistan?
A: Because there is a target on every corner.

Q: What did the warning label on the suicide bombers vest say?
A: In case of Jews, pull cord tightly!

Q: What do you call a building full of Taliban?
A: Jail

Q: What's the difference between a microwave and a Islamic extremist?
A: A microwave doesn't blow up every time the timer goes off.

Q: What do you call a Muslim looking for a toilet?
A: Mustapha Shiite

Q: What do you call an unemployed Muslim?
A: Bin Laidoff.

Q: What do you get when you cross American culture & Islam?
A: Hijabsters.

Q: What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?
A: No more jokes about the profit.

[5150]

Two Boys
A Catholic boy and an Islamic boy were talking and the Catholic boy said, "My priest knows more than your Allah." The Islamic boy said, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."

I'm Gonna Jump
In Mumbai, a man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Hindu cop to talk him down. Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father" Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."

The cop goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump."

Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of Lord Krishna" Man replies "Who is that?"

Cop yells "Jump, Muslim! You're blocking traffic!"

Mullah
A friend asked the mulla how old are you?
Forty replied the mullah.
The friend said but you said the samething two years ago!
Yes replied the mullah, I always stand by what I have said.

Central Park
A college student is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He saves the girl's life, but the pit bull is killed in the process. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" � the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" � says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.

Phone Call
Three men want make phone call from Hell to remind to their relatives about its harsh conditions Their Nationalities were American, Italian and Iraqi.

So they decide to go to Devil who is the boss. So the American made a call and the Devil made him to pay 100 USD, then an Italian made a call and the Devil made him to pay 10 Euros on fact that Italy is less developed than that of USA.

LASTLY an Iraqi made a call and the Devil made him to pay a cent.

Both the American and Italian complain as it is not fair and the devil responded to them "The Iraqi call was a local call whereas your was an International call"

[5150]

Handy Phrases
A few handy Arabic phrases translated to English -- in case you're ever kidnapped by terrorists.

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.= Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT RAEH GUSH DIVAR.= I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FIKR TAMOMEH GEH GOFTEK BANDE.= I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARRAREGH DVATEMAN MAMO SEPAHEH-HAST.= It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHAVAREHMAN.= If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRKAHEY.= I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.

BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!= Whatever you say!

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GORBAN.= The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE GOYAST INO BERGERAM.= The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

BA BODENEH SHEERELL TEEGZ.= Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than to spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.

[roogazza]

319726319727319728

[anebv8]

An old timer was sitting in his rocking chair on his front porch when a kid comes walking by with something in his hands.
The old timer asks the kid, "Hey son. Whatcha got there?"
The kid replies, "I got me some chicken wire. I'm gonna catch me some chickens."
The old timer responds, "Oh son, you can't catch no chickens with chicken wire."
A short time later the old timer sees the kid come back with a bunch of flapping chickens all caught up in the chicken wire.
"Well, I'll be...'" says the old timer scratching his head.
The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer. This time he has something round and gray in his hands.
The old timer shouts out to the kid, "Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands this time?"
The kid responds, "I got me some duct tape. I'm gonna catch me some ducks."
The old timer laughs, "Son, you can't catch no ducks using duct tape."
A short time later the kid comes back with a bunch of ducks caught-up and quacking in the duct tape."
The old man cannot believe his eyes.
The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer, again with something in his hands.
The old timer shouts out to the kid, "Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands today?"
The kid shouts back to the old timer, "I got me some pussy willow."
The old timer shouts out, "Hold on son...I'll get my hat!"

[husaberg]

What kind of horses go out after dusk?


Nightmares!:lol:


What is invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts



What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer?


Abominable! (say it out loud, slowly)

[husaberg]

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert.
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges.
Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?", "No, not really, Sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are...

[Black Knight]

The previous army captain, when he first arrived, asked the staff sergeant what the men did for sex at the camp. Well sir,a camel train comes through here once a month and that satisfies the men,as a matter of fact one train is due through here at around midday tomorrow.Midday arrives,a bugle sounds and the men are off chasing the camel train-the captain catches up to the sergeant "Why are we running so fast" puffs the captain "So you don't get an ugly one" was the reply.

[roogazza]

319862319863319864319865

[anebv8]

I put one of those 'No tools left in van overnight ' signs on me van yesterday.
This morning some bastard had broken in and left a note saying 'Just checking :laugh:

[5150]

:innocent::shutup:

319887

[slofox]

This one says it all...

319925

[5150]

This one says it all...

319925

It would if I could read it. The thumb can't be enlarged.....

[Tazz]

Liar.


http://img.youtube.com/vi/GDKYEUKn22A/0.jpg

[swbarnett]

It would if I could read it. The thumb can't be enlarged.....
Go back to port #4228

[5150]

:sick:

319956

[husaberg]

http://33.media.tumblr.com/e1aae11b18273513723814de8c8ad348/tumblr_inline_nz2b34H15z1r42jqv_540.gif
319965319966319967319968319969

[gjm]

:sick:

319956


Vote for Hilary! She won't suck!

[5150]

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we are married.'

She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky.'

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another.

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'

'Yes, it is . 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long.

[gjm]

We've been neighbours for over 6 years.
When you borrowed my leaf blower, you returned it in pieces.
When I was sick, you hosted a 3-day, 24 hours a day, thrash metal revivial party.
When your dog decorated my front lawn, leaving dead patches of grass, you laughed.
When your kids rode past my car while pretending to joust and scratched all the way down the side, you gave me the number of your brother the builder so I could have my driveway extended.

I could go on, but I'm not one to hold a grudge.

So I'm writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire...

[oldrider]

It's just the way women think! :rolleyes:

Husband's Text Message to wife:

Honey, I was hit by a car outside the office.

Paula brought me to the Hospital.

Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.

Severe blow to head but not likely to have any lasting effects.

Wound required 19 stitches.

I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the

left leg.

Amputation of the right foot is a possibility.

Love you......



Wife's Response :

Who the FUCK is Paula? :love:

[5150]

320097320098

[roogazza]

A retired guy sits around the house all day, so one day his wife says,

“Joe, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week”.

The guy gives it a moment’s thought and says, “Sure why not. Where’s the vacuum?”

Half an hour later, the guy comes into the kitchen to get some coffee. His wife says,

“I didn't hear the vacuum running, I thought you were going to do the vacuuming”?

Exasperated, Joe answers,”The stupid thing is broken, it won't start. We need to buy a new one”.

“Really”, she says, “show me - it worked fine the last time”. So he did…

https://videos.files.wordpress.com/Xblfe4qf/retired-vacum-cleaner_dvd.mp4

[YellowDog]

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

[Black Knight]

Have a look/listen at "The Best Of David Allan Coe Underground" on Youtube

[roogazza]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist , looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I’d like to buy some cyanide”.


The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?”


The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband”.


The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide. Just get a divorce!"



The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription".

[anebv8]

Two Irishmen were waiting at the bus stop when a truck

went past loaded up with rolls of turf.

Jimmy said, "I'm gonna do dat when I win da lottery."

"What's dat den?" asks Mikey.

"Send me lawn away to be mowed."

[anebv8]

So i have suspected for sometime now that my wife has been seeing some man on the side. The usual red flags are there, She hides her phone screen, new underwear all the time, she goes out with "the girls" a lot! I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but i usually fall asleep.
Anyways... last night around midnight i hid behind my bike waiting for her to come home. When she got to the house, she got out of someone's car while buttoning her shirt back up, then took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment while i was crouched behind my bike that i noticed a hairline crack in the rear shock linkage. Is that something i can weld or do i need to replace the whole bracket? :banana:

[awa355]

I would suggest replacing the entire bracket.

[Laava]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' he responded.

'Oh! Killed any?' she asked.

'Aye, 3 males and 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone'.

[Laava]

We've been neighbours for over 6 years.
When you borrowed my leaf blower, you returned it in pieces.
When I was sick, you hosted a 3-day, 24 hours a day, thrash metal revivial party.
When your dog decorated my front lawn, leaving dead patches of grass, you laughed.
When your kids rode past my car while pretending to joust and scratched all the way down the side, you gave me the number of your brother the builder so I could have my driveway extended.

I could go on, but I'm not one to hold a grudge.

So I'm writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire.