Friday jokes

[5150]

Where do ya get one of them gumbikes?

Are you due for new set of tires again? :lol:

[5150]

Just home from the World Blindfold Wanking Championship. No idea where I came. :eek5:

[roogazza]

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[YellowDog]

Just like a virgin :killingme

[roogazza]

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[YellowDog]

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer
was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring
colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual
courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) which protocol
decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant,
Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man and is really the strength
of this office. His talent is simply boundless".

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was
surprised to meet a hunchbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless,
scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly
unattractive man less than three feet tall."

Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

''Well, sir, I played cricket for England, graduated with honours from
Sandhurst, won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions
behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian
events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division
of the Olympics. I have researched the history of . . . "

At that point, the colonel interrupted.

"Yes, yes, never mind all that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off."

[YellowDog]

A circus owner runs an advertisement for 'Lion Tamer Wanted' and two people showed up......

One is a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, I'm not going to sugar coat it - this is one ferocious lion . . . . he ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history."

Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip and a gun ..... who wants to try out first?"

The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.

He continues to lick every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor, and says "That's quite amazing - I've never seen anything like that in my life!"

He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The old golfer replies, "Possibly ... but you've got to get that lion out of there first."

[Daffyd]

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, Sally found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let her wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down she asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

[Daffyd]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[Daffyd]

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

[Swoop]

Wasn't too sure about where to post this, but thought of "crossing the road" so it must fall into the jokes section.:bleh:

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/rIsQYrzztzI" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[husaberg]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNMq8XS4LhE;)

[Swoop]

I answered the door earlier to find a police officer standing there. He informed me that my dog had chased somebody on a bike.

"Get lost," I told him. "My dog doesn't even own a bike."

[husaberg]

https://pics.onsizzle.com/seeking-a-girlfriend-please-send-me-a-picture-of-your-16481166.png

[YellowDog]

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'
‘

Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.

'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'

'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes. 'My name is Puddles.'

[roogazza]

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[Banditbandit]

Paddy and Mick are having a drink at the bar.

Paddy says: "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."

Mich replies: "I had that done way back when I was only a baby."

Paddy asks : "How was it?"

Mick replies; "Couldn't walk for a year ..."

[Banditbandit]

I went to the supermarket today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

[Honest Andy]

So I asked a mate for some advice on fixing a ding on my bike... the smart bastard sent me this video...

https://youtu.be/UB0eRYHtpYo

[Honest Andy]

.................
331069

[roogazza]

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[Honest Andy]

https://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/asset.php?fid=294520&uid=53203&d=1496464979

[husaberg]

https://m.popkey.co/971d86/ajZEY.gif

[Swoop]

Breaking news: A lorry carrying 25 tons of Vicks Vapour Rub has overturned on SH1, near Auckland, spilling it's load onto the motorway.
The Police have said there will be no congestion for at least 12hrs.

[YellowDog]

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies


To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"


About 90 students raise their hands.


"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen


a ghost?"


About 40 students raised their hands.


"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"


About 15 students raise their hand.


"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"


Three students raise their hands.


"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"


Way in the back,


Hamad


raises his hand.


The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."



The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.



When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So,


Hamad


tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"



Hamad


replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

[roogazza]

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[Swoop]

Judge to biker; 'At your last appearance before me I told you I didn't want to see you in my court ever again!'
Biker to Judge; 'Yes yer 'onour - That's what I told the police officer'.




I was talking to a chap last night who is into self improvement and motivation. He told me there are no problems, only opportunities.

That's great news 'cos it means I have a serious drinking opportunity!



In a wee West Highland town there was no regular policeman but the local vet was a Special Constable.
His wife answered the phone one night and the caller asked for Hamish.
Do you need the vet or a policeman she asked.
"Both" came the reply. "I can't get my dog's mouth open and there's a burglar in it".

[husaberg]

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[YellowDog]

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

[YellowDog]

Can have serious repercussions :yes:

<iframe width="760" height="485" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/21uuo8Nsj18" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[slofox]

Can have serious repercussions :yes:



Holy fuck. That dude is made of rubber.

[haydes55]

Holy fuck. That dude is made of rubber.
Atgatt

10 chars

[YellowDog]

Holy fuck. That dude is made of rubber.

The brand of beer he drinks, wasn't reported. Clearly it has strong medicinal qualities :yes:

I suspect that, if I had survived such an incident, I would have stayed on the ground to wait for buckets of sympathy and an ambulance :violin:

He just got right back up and walked into the pub to order that medicinal pint of _________.

[slofox]

The brand of beer he drinks, wasn't reported. Clearly it has strong medicinal qualities :yes:

I suspect that, if I had survived such an incident, I would have stayed on the ground to wait for buckets of sympathy and an ambulance :violin:

He just got right back up and walked into the pub to order that medicinal pint of _________.

Fuck yeah - I'd drink it!

[YellowDog]

_______________________________

[pzkpfw]

Fuck yeah - I'd drink it!

I'm not fussy. I'd have what the bus driver was drinking.

[husaberg]

_______________________________

first two look familar go back a page:nya:

[YellowDog]

first two look familar go back a page:nya:

I wonder if the wanker who emailed them to me is on KB :lol:

[Akzle]

http://www.evilmilk.com/pictures/I_Support_Lgbt.jpg

not really a joke. sorry.

[slofox]

not really a joke. sorry.

So why am I laughing then? :rofl:

[caspernz]

not really a joke. sorry.

Well actually, to some of us it is...:bleh:

[Akzle]

So why am I laughing then? :rofl:

clearly you don't take lgbt as seriously as i do...
:bleh:

[nadroj]

Stupid man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spreads limbs

[YellowDog]

If you can't get to it, you can't drink it.

I'm sure the baggage handlers were very grateful :yes:

[husaberg]

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[YellowDog]

A guy, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck and they found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the guy had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the guy started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, cautiously leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

[roogazza]

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[Banditbandit]

Little Bobby and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bobby goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bobby bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was simply adorable, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bobby , you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bobby replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bobby instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bobby has put so much thought into this.

"Well, Bobby , it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"


Bobby just shrugs his shoulders and says, " Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

[YellowDog]

A benfits fraudster, whom was supposedly too weak to walk, more than 50m, climbed Mount Kilimanjaro and won a Triathlon race :lol:

http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-wales-south-east-wales-40667991

[Dadpole]

We should hire him as Jerry Brownjobs personal trainer. I would pay to see that grease blob wheezing his way up a mountain.

[Honest Andy]

We should hire him as Jerry Brownjobs personal trainer. I would pay to see that grease blob wheezing his way up a mountain.

Haha can we throw stuff at him on the way past?
https://eveningreport.nz/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Brownlee.jpg

[pete376403]

[QUOTE=Honest Andy;1131056157]Haha can we throw stuff at him on the way past?
Looks like he's just given john key a happy ending.

[husaberg]

Haha can we throw stuff at him on the way past?
Looks like he's just given john key a happy ending.

http://i.makeagif.com/media/7-21-2017/AAr5Kg.gif (http://makeagif.com/gif/earthquake-updated-press-conference-john-key-and-gerry-brownlee-AAr5Kg)

[YellowDog]

A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Beth replied, "Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason."

Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Beth said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that.You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Beth said, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," says Chuck. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Beth said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

[roogazza]

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[YellowDog]

11 PEOPLE ... ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . .. . . .

[YellowDog]

A 50 year old lady was standing next to the railing on a cruise ship. ....⛴
She was using both hands to hold her hat onto her head so it wouldn't blow away.....🙆

A gentleman approached the lady and said .....
"Ma'am, ....
I am sorry to bother you but the wind is blowing your dress up".....☺

The lady replied, ......
"Sir, if I take my hands off of my hat it will blow away"......😦

"I understand,..ma'am,.....
but ....
you aren't wearing any panties", .....
replied the gentleman.

The lady looked down then ......
back up at the gentleman and said,

*"Sir, .... anything you see down there is more than 50 years old. I bought this hat yesterday"....* 😳😜

[Swoop]

My wife told me that I needed to get in touch more with my feminine side.

So I crashed the car, burned dinner and then ignored her all evening for no apparent reason.

[YellowDog]

You can now get your vegetables Online :yes:

[YellowDog]

Old Chinese Proverb:

[YellowDog]

Breaking news

[roogazza]

great band mate saw them 3 times while living in Aussie. :laugh:
(gotta spread some ! ).

[granstar]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bn1-M5Ze0p8

[husaberg]

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[YellowDog]

1. If you grow and refine heroin for a living, but morally object to the use of liquor, You may be a Muslim.

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but can't afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.

3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon to be unclean, You may be a Muslim.

5. If you think vests come in two styles, Bullet-proof and suicide, You may be a Muslim.

6. If you can't think of anyone that you haven't declared jihad against, You may be a Muslim.

7. If you consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You may be a Muslim.

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses, other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, then you, too, may be a Muslim.

10. If you find this offensive, you are most likely either a Muslim, or part of the PC brigade contributing towards the Islamisation of the Western World.

[swbarnett]

10. If you find this offensive, you are most likely either a Muslim, or part of the PC brigade contributing towards the Islamisation of the Western World.
I find this extremely offensive. I am neither Muslim (or any other religion for that matter) or a member of any PC brigade. I am, however, a member of the (hopefully increasing) group that recognises Muslims for what they are - 99% peaceful, 1% violent nutter. Just like any religion you care to name.

[Akzle]

I find this extremely offensive. I am neither Muslim (or any other religion for that matter) or a member of any PC brigade. I am, however, a member of the (hopefully increasing) group that recognises Muslims for what they are - 99% peaceful, 1% violent nutter. Just like any religion you care to name.

http://i.imgur.com/8vXZdGM.png

[george formby]

Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.



If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.


My cat is recovering from a massive stroke.



I was vegan for a while. I lost 6lb, but most of that was personality.


A few from the Edinburgh Fringe festival.

[YellowDog]

I find this extremely offensive. I am neither Muslim (or any other religion for that matter) or a member of any PC brigade. I am, however, a member of the (hopefully increasing) group that recognises Muslims for what they are - 99% peaceful, 1% violent nutter. Just like any religion you care to name.

Well that's just your opinion, of yourself, and you'd be wise to listen more to the opinion of others, about you. The future of those thinking the way you do, is obvious for everyone to see, but just not to you, and your fellow over-sensitive thinkers.

Have you ever wondered why it's OK to make jokes about Catholics, Jews, Christians, the Pope, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Hungarians, the Chinese, the French (including French Canadians), the elderly, bad golfers, men/women, blacks/whites, etc, but its insensitive to make jokes about the Muslims?

People of these stereo-types are highly capable of laughing at such jokes and many create them themselves. The whole point is that a stereotype is exactly what it says and most understand that its accuracy is generally less than 5%. Of course some don't understand the concept of making fun of a stereotype, to show how ridiculous it is.

Perhaps none of this is OK to you, but this is a 'Jokes & Humour' thread.

Good luck :)

[swbarnett]

Have you ever wondered why it's OK to make jokes about Catholics, Jews, Christians, the Pope, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Hungarians, the Chinese, the French (including French Canadians), the elderly, bad golfers, men/women, blacks/whites, etc, but its insensitive to make jokes about the Muslims?
That one's dead easy to answer. ALL of the above are in very bad taste and need to be ascribed to the annals of the history of bigotry.


some don't understand the concept of making fun of a stereotype, to show how ridiculous it is.
If that's all it was supposed to be then fine, I see your point. However, that is definitely not how it came over.

[awayatc]

Get over yourself...

This is Friday jokes for Allah's sake....

Enjoy it while you can

They blow up so quickly

[Akzle]

That one's dead easy to answer. ALL of the above are in very bad taste and need to be ascribed to the annals of the history of bigotry.
.

like fuck, you wannabe beige dyke.

[Akzle]

.

Have you ever wondered why it's OK to make jokes about Catholics, Jews, Christians, the Pope, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Hungarians, the Chinese, the French (including French Canadians), the elderly, bad golfers, men/women, blacks/whites, etc, but its insensitive to make jokes about the Muslims?

depending where you are in the world...
catholics wont much appreciate boy-bum-fuckery jokes.
and if you say anything against jews you're obviously "antisemitic" and lawdy don't mention THEIR master-race theory// err, prophecy. cos that's also antisemitic.

[tigertim20]

I find this extremely offensive. I am neither Muslim (or any other religion for that matter) or a member of any PC brigade. I am, however, a member of the (hopefully increasing) group that recognises Muslims for what they are - 99% peaceful, 1% violent nutter. Just like any religion you care to name.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bq5dNcrHE8w

[YellowDog]

depending where you are in the world...
catholics wont much appreciate boy-bum-fuckery jokes.
and if you say anything against jews you're obviously "antisemitic" and lawdy don't mention THEIR master-race theory// err, prophecy. cos that's also antisemitic.

Once more Muslims, learn how not to be so self-riteous, and show more respect for non-Muslims, there might be a chance for better integration. The attitude of Mr Barnett, whom doesn't believe himself to be a part of the liberal PC brigade sweeping the world; however his stated attituade has been clearly demonstrated to promote greater segrigation/alienation. The fact he choses to protest over a Muslim joke and not over any of the other jokes, about other religions or groups, demonstrates a distinct lack of balance, or sense of equality/prejudice; hence promoting the worsening impasse. There are lots of educated Muslims of the world and Mr Barnett's personal stereo-type of them, is not constructive towards greater harmony.

[swbarnett]

like fuck, you wannabe beige dyke.
There is only one thing in life I will not tolerate - intolerance.

[swbarnett]

... Stephen Fry vid ...
You're right. You have the right to say anything you damn well like. However, I also have the right to express that I am offended by intolerance (the only thing I can't and won't tolerate). You also have the right to not care that I'm offended.

[swbarnett]

Once more Muslims, learn how not to be so self-riteous, and show more respect for non-Muslims,
Pot, meat kettle. If you feel this is not the case please provide concrete examples that pertain to the entire Muslim community in NZ and not just those you have personally interacted with.


The fact he choses to protest over a Muslim joke and not over any of the other jokes, about other religions or groups, demonstrates a distinct lack of balance
The main point that got my goat about that "joke" was the last line:

10. If you find this offensive, you are most likely either a Muslim, or part of the PC brigade contributing towards the Islamisation of the Western World.
This is clearly a prejudice against those of us that choose to show tolerance to another's beliefs. I could not help but take that personally.

If it were not for this line I would have said nothing. There are a lot of jokes in here that I find offensive but choose not to comment because they are not directed at me or any group that I belong to.

[bogan]

They're just shit jokes though init? Restating offensive stereotypes without adding anything significantly humerous around that is just lazy, where's the wordplay, the setup to the punchline, sophistication...

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

[awayatc]

There is only one thing in life I will not tolerate - intolerance.

Forum. Off topic. Jokes and humour. Friday jokes......

You picked the wrong forum to get your panties in a twist.

Why read it if you got no sense of humor?

Don't like the jokes?

Look somewhere else.

When was the last time you posted a joke there?


And as far as muslims go.....don't start that one on this forun
Because its no fuckin joke.!

Feel free to be offended again

[YellowDog]

The main point that got my goat about that "joke" was the last line:

This is clearly a prejudice against those of us that choose to show tolerance to another's beliefs. I could not help but take that personally.

If it were not for this line I would have said nothing. There are a lot of jokes in here that I find offensive but choose not to comment because they are not directed at me or any group that I belong to.

The evidence on here is that you are an intollerent person. I don't have any muslim friends, I have friends whom happen to be muslims. I treat them with respect and they reciprocate. It's how the world works. I am not intollerent and prejudice like you clearly are. Just let people be people. There is good and bad in all. Good luck with your goat group you said you belong to or whatever you are on about. Have fun.

[roogazza]

Don't give me any of that animal cruelty shit.
My own parents got someone to cut the end of my dick off just hours after I was born and I turned out alright.
Although I will admit that I couldn't walk for a year or so after that. :(

[YellowDog]

I went to the off licence Friday afternoon on my bicycle,
bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle,
the bottle would break.
So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision,
because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

[YellowDog]

Damn.... not more of that wretched intollerance. Makes my blood boil :mad:

[bogan]

Irony is a type of funny right? like the irony of being offended that someone has dared declare they have taken offense... :whistle:

[YellowDog]

Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen.
“Your Queenship,” he asked her, “I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well,” replied Her Majesty, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Trump frowned. “But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?” he asked.

“Oh, that's easy” the Queen replied, “You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”

She pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Theresa May in here.”

The Prime Minister walked into the room. “You called for me, Your Majesty?”
“Answer me this, if you would, Theresa,” the Queen said. “Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”

Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, “That would be me.”

“Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.

Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day called for Mike Pence to come and see him. Pence duly trotted in to the Oval Office.

“Mike, answer this for me,” said the Donald. “Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?”

“I'm not sure,” said Pence. “Let me get back to you on that one.”

Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer.

The next night, as it happened, Pence ran in to Hillary Clinton in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss, he approached her – much to her surprise.

“Hillary, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me.”

“Sure, Mike,” Hillary said. “I’m not one to hold a grudge. What is it?”

“Thanks,” said Pence, “It’s this. Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Hillary answered right back, “That's easy, it's me!”

Pence smiled, “Thanks!”

Pence then went back to speak with Trump. “Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Hillary Clinton.”

Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him. “No, you idiot! It’s Theresa May!”

... AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

[YellowDog]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[ellipsis]

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa.
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece.
Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain.
With a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel.
Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada.
Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like North Korea.
Ruled by nuts.

[husaberg]

http://i.makeagif.com/media/9-06-2017/O54-P_.gif (/gif/35-texts-from-masters-of-sarcasm-O54-P_)

http://i.makeagif.com/media/9-06-2017/jnAQCW.gif (/gif/35-texts-from-masters-of-sarcasm-jnAQCW)

[husaberg]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6filPCtrt0c

[roogazza]

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[roogazza]

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[husaberg]

332603332604

[Akzle]

http://my.evilmilk.com/p/sc-bu~w8_s.jG

[Akzle]

Cop arrests a dog.
Cop: you ever been arrested before?
dog: i did 3 years for burying a bone
cop: that's a bit rough, where did you bury it?
dog: in your mum
cop: that's it! come with me
dog: hah, that's what she said

[awayatc]

Hope this attachment thingy worked out....

[Akzle]

i just saw a bunch of midgets is SS uniforms.

it was the 1/3rd reich.

[Big Dog]

i just saw a bunch of midgets is SS uniforms.

it was the 1/3rd reich.

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170917/7c497e3538429cc9f8f05adc42b574fb.jpg

[roogazza]

332730xxxxxx

[Scuba_Steve]

I organised a threesome the other day.

There were a couple of no shows but I still had a good time.

[roogazza]

332877xxxx

[YellowDog]

lift to the airport.

[roogazza]

333116333117333118333119333120

[Honest Andy]

Haha classic! "No Worries"... I can hear the original sales pitch: "Sink your life savings in a Boat!"
:killingme

[slofox]

Most excellent stuff.

[YellowDog]

Violet is actually a colour in its own right :yes:

https://pics.me.me/roses-are-red-heres-something-new-violet-is-violet-not-28450628.png

https://i.pinimg.com/236x/4a/a2/e1/4aa2e1c014e7c7bc9b6582ed5408eba8--add-disorder-bipolar-disorder.jpg

[trufflebutter]

In keeping with that theme...

Roses's are red
Violets are blue
I'm a schizophrenic
And I am too.

[roogazza]

333220333221

[YellowDog]

My Dog's called 'Mr President' as his ear shows an uncanny resemblance :yes:

[Macontour]

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I've got a knife
Get in the van.

[YellowDog]

Drive Safely :lol:

[Akzle]

Drive Safely :lol:

:doh: see post #4603

[YellowDog]

:doh: see post #4603

Came from Spain - lol - it's a small world :yes:

[roogazza]

333430333431333432

[husaberg]

333451333454333453333452

[Swoop]

Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.

[ZackTyler]

My Dog's called 'Mr President' as his ear shows an uncanny resemblance :yes:

Hahaha! :lol:

[FlangMasterJ]

<a href="https://imgur.com/NQrloyt"><img src="https://i.imgur.com/NQrloyt.jpg" title="source: imgur.com" /></a>

[roogazza]

333677333678

[YellowDog]

During a lull at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"

“Very impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”

"Oh, I know", replied Melania, “but neither does the parrot."

:laugh:

[roogazza]

334042334043334044

[YellowDog]

Tool expectations explained:

[YellowDog]

Predictive Text

[roogazza]

334114334115334116

[Swoop]

Press Release to coincide with the introduction of the new Type 45 Destroyers.

Details have been released regarding Britain's introduction of the next generation of fighting ships. The Royal Navy is proud of the cutting edge capability of the fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Costing £750 million, they have been designed to meet the needs of the 21st century; in addition to state of the art technology, weaponry, and guidance systems, the ships will comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights legislation.

They will be able to remain at sea for several months and positively bristle with facilities. For instance, the new user friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress councillors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day, and each ship will have its own onboard industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality, and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules even in wartime! All bunks will be double occupancy, and the destroyers will all come equipped with a maternity ward situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the Officer's Wardroom. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash". Out goes the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by Perrier water, although sodomy remains, this has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only by request.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is elitist; it is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor". All notices on boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches, even the women. The MOD is working on a new "Non specific" flag based on the controversial British Airways "Ethnic" tailfin design, because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The ship is due to be launched soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. The ship will gently slide into the water to the tune of "In the Navy" by the Village People played by the band of Her Majesty's Royal Marines.

Sea Trials are expected to take place, when the first of the new destroyers HMS Cautious, sets out on her maiden mission. It will be escorting boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on the south coast. The Prime Minister said that "While the ships reflected the very latest of modern thinking they were also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation". His final words were "Britain never, never waives the rules!"

[roogazza]

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[Bikkie]

Once again,The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism
contest,in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1:Coffee [ in.],the person upon whom one coughs.

2:Flabbergasted [adj.],appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3:Abdicate [V.],to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4:Esplande [V.],to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5:Willy-nilly [adj.],impotent.

6:Negligent [adj.],describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7:Lymph [V.],to walk with a lisp.

8:Gargoyle [n.],olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9:Flatulence [n.],emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10:Balderdash [n.],a rapidly receding hairline.

11:Testicle [n.],a humorous question on an exam.

12:Rectitude [n.],the formal,dignified bearing adopted by procologists.

13:Pokemon [n],a Rastafarian proctologist.

14:Oyster [n.],a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15"Frisbeetarianism [n.],[ black by popular demand ]:The belief that,when you die,your soul flies
up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16:Circumvent [n.],an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary
alter it by adding,subtractin,or changing one letter,and supply a new definition.Here are this
year's winners:

1:Bozone [n.],The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating.
The bozone layer,unfortunately,shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2:Foreplay [v.],Any misrepresentation about yourself for the puropose of getting sex.


3:Cashtration [n.]:The act of buying a house,which renders the subject financially impotent for an
indefinite period.

4:Giraffiti [n]:Vandalism spray-painted very,very high.

5:Sarchasm [n]:The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6:Inoculatte [v]:To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7:Hipatitis [n]:Terminal coolness.

8:Osteopomosis [n]:A degenerate disease.[ This one got extra credit ]

9:Kamageddon [n]:its like,when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,right?And
then,like the Earth explodes and it's like,a serious bummer.

10 Decafalon [n.],The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are
good for you.

11:Gilbido [v]:All talk and no action.

12 Dopeler effect [n]:The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you
rapidly.

13:Arachnoleptic fit [n]:The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through
a spider web.

14:Beelzebug [n]:Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the
morning and cannot be cast out.

15:Caterpallor [n] The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the litrature:

16:Ignoranus [n]:A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

[roogazza]

Hello…is this Gordon’s Pizza?

No sir, it's Google Pizza.

I must have dialled a wrong number. Sorry.

No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

OK. I would like to order a pizza.

Do you want your usual, sir?

My usual? You know me?

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.

OK! That’s what I want …

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

What? I detest vegetables.

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

How the hell do you know?

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Okay, but I don't want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug sale Network, 4 months ago.

I bought more from another drugstore.

That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

I paid in cash.

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

I have other sources of cash.

That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

WHAT THE HELL?

I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, What’s App and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch or spy on me.

I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.

[Bikkie]

Difference bewtween
Kim Jong Un and
Dominoes.Dominoes
can deliver a hot
cripsy Hawaiian in less
than 20 minutes by
text.

[Akzle]

http://www.evilmilk.com/galleries/win-78/win-10.jpg

[Bikkie]

A husband and wife
decided they needed
to use a code to
indicate that they
wanted to have sex
without letting their
children in on it.They
decided on the word
typewriter.One day
the husband told his
five year old daughter,
"Go tell your mummy
that daddy needs to
type a letter." The
child told her mum
what her dad said and
her mother responded,
"Tell your daddy that
he can"t type a letter
right now because
there's a red ribbon in
the typewriter." The
child went back to tell
her father what
mummy had said.A
few days later the
mum told the
daughter,"Tell daddy
that he can type that
letter now." The child
told her father,and
then returned to her
mother and
announced,"Daddy
said never mind with
the typewriter,he
already wrote the
letter by hand."

[YellowDog]

Buyer Beware :shit:

[YellowDog]

Car won't start :no:

[YellowDog]

Bike shops need to offer this service :yes:

[roogazza]

334919334920334921334922334923

[husaberg]

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[roogazza]

335026335027335028335029

[Akzle]

http://www.evilmilk.com/galleries/wedding-10/wedding-31.jpg

[Daffyd]

One sunny day,Duncan was driving past a farm with his truck when he noticed a beautiful horse stood in one of the fields.

Hoping to buy the horse, Duncan stopped and offered the farmer 400 bucks for it.

The farmer said, “Sorry, that horse not for sale. He doesn’t look too good.”

Duncan said, “He looks just fine. Tell you what, I’ll give you 800 bucks for him.”

The farmer again said, “Sorry mate, he’s not for sale. He doesn’t look too good.”

Duncan now really wanted the horse and so increased his offer to 1,200 bucks.

The farmer said, “Well, he doesn’t look so good but if you really want him that much he’s yours.”

So Duncan bought the horse and took him home.

After one day Duncan returned to the farm, angrily. He shouted at the farmer, “Hey, you cheated me! You sold me a damn blind horse!”

The farmer calmly said, “I told you he didn’t look too good, didn’t I?”

[husaberg]

335043335044335045335042335041

[Daffyd]

There once was Gary who was raising three daughters on his own. Gary was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, Gary would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young boy knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the guy said, “Hi, my name’s Joe, I’m here for Flo. We’re going to the show, is she ready to go?” The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad came and said, “My name’s Eddie, I’m here for Betty, we’re gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?” Gary felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young boy arrived and Gary opened the door. The boy started off, “Hi, my name’s Chuck, I am he–…” and Boom! Gary shot him.

[pete376403]

ten characters

[Bikkie]

I started my new job
today.My boss
handed me a fiver
and said,"First things
first.I need you to go
down to the shops
and buy me a glass
hammer,a skirting board ladder and a
bubble for a spirit
level."
I laughed and
said,"Do you really
think I'm that fucking
stupid?" "What do
you mean Dave?" He sniggered,Isaid,
"That lot is going to
cost more than a
fucking fiver."

[Bikkie]

An airplane was about to
crash.There were 4
passengers on board,but
only 3 parachutes.The first
passenger said,"I am Stephen
curry,the best NBA
basketball player.The
Warriors and my millions of
fans need me,and I cannot
afford to die. So he took
the 1st pack and left the
plane.The second
passenger,Donald Trump
said,"I am the newly
elected U.S.President,and I
am the smartest president
in American history,so my
people don't want me to
die." He took the 2nd pack
and jumped out of the
plane.The 3rd passenger,
the Pope,said to the 4th
passenger,a 10 year old
schoolboy,"My son,I am
old and don't have many
years left,you have more
years ahead so I will
sacrifice my life and let you
have the last parachute."
The little boy said,"That's
okay,your Holliness,there's
a parachute left for you.
America's smartest
president took my
schoolbag."

[Daffyd]

Veron comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”

“Sand and pebbles,” answered Juan.

The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike!”

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand and pebbles.

He detains Veron overnight and has the sand and pebbles analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand and pebbles in two bags.

The guard releases Veron, puts the sand and pebbles into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

The next day, the same thing happens.

The guard asks, “What have you got?”

“Sand and pebbles,”replies Veron.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand and pebbles.

He gives the sand back to Veron, and Veron crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for six months.

Finally, Veron doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It makes me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”

Veron sips his tequila and says, “Bicycles.”

[Daffyd]

A man walks into his local butcher's shop and complains about the leg of lamb that he had previously bought, "when I cooked it the joint had shrunk so much it went from 12 inches long to only 4-inches".

The butcher said to the man "that’s funny my wife knitted me a sweater and when she washed it, it was also 4-inches in length".

"What’s your sweater got to do with my leg of lamb?" asked the man.

The butcher replied "well yer daft twat they both must have come from the same sheep."

[Daffyd]

Two old ladies are having a cigarette outside the old folks home and it starts to rain. One of them suddenly pulls a condom out of her handbag, unravels it and puts it over the cigarette so it doesnt get wet.
"Ooh, what"s that, Betty?" the other asks.
"It"s called a condom, they sell them at the chemist"s dear," she answers.
So the other goes to the chemist"s and, when asked for a condom by such an elderly lady and seeing an opportunity for mirth, the young oik behind the counter smirks and asks, "so what would you like, a ribbed one, a French tickler, flavoured?"
"Oh, I don"t mind, dear, as long as it fits a Camel."

[Daffyd]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene got pregnant once again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

[Daffyd]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2012 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000".

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand.

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[Daffyd]

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. ‘How ’bout that!’ he exclaims, ‘Here’s a picture of me Fadder.’
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn’t like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin’, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror..
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, ‘So that’s the ugly fookin' bitch he’s runnin’ around with.’

[Akzle]

http://www.evilmilk.com/galleries/Special-Delivery-9/delivery-14.jpg

http://www.evilmilk.com/galleries/Special-Delivery-9/delivery-23.jpg

[roogazza]

335114335115335116

[Swoop]

Tinfoil hat wearers:

Flat earthers have nothing to fear, except sphere itself.

[Daffyd]

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow’s final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member’s death.

One smart ass, male student said, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?” And the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, “Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write.”

[Daffyd]

Young Irish girl Nora returns home for Christmas.

When she got there, her dad Vito said to her, “Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, why did you not call us?”

Nora started to cry as she replied, “Dad, I became a prostitute.”

Vito shouted in rage, “What did you say? Get out of here you shameless harlot! You’re a disgrace to this family.”

Nora answered, “OK, Dad. If that’s your wish, that’s what I’ll do; I understand. First though, I just came back to give Mom this luxurious fur coat, the title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for 8 million. And for my little brother, I brought this gold Rolex, and for you Dad, the sparkling new Audi limited edition convertible that’s parked in front of the house. Oh yes, plus a membership to the country club and an invitation for you all to spend a fun New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…”

Her dad Vito interrupted her, “Now what was it you said you had become, again?”

Nora started crying again as she said, “A prostitute, Dad!”

Vito said, “Oh my little girl! You scared me half to death! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your father a hug!”

[Daffyd]

A teddy bear is working on a building site.He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

[Daffyd]

A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other. Eventually they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman" he says "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

[Daffyd]

One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, “Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to ten….. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!”

The mother responds, “Very good honey.” The blonde asks, “Is that because I’m a blonde mommy?” And the mother responds, “Yes dear.”

Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, “Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! …. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!”

The mother says, “Very good honey.” The blonde then asked. “Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?” The mother responds, “Yes dear.”

The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?”
 And the mother responds, “No Honey, it’s because you’re twenty five.”

[Daffyd]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit’s, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British”.

One week later, the Punch Newspaper, in Ibadan, Nigerian, reported the following:

“After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard Lucky Ade, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Lucky has therefore concluded that more 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless.”

[Daffyd]

A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”

[YellowDog]

An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!

You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!

[Daffyd]

A probate attorney discusses with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

‘To my loving wife, Abby, who always stood by me, I leave the house, yacht and three millions dollars,’ the attorney reads.

‘To my darling daughter, Kimberley, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the special car collection, the business and 2 million dollars.’

‘And finally,’ the lawyer concludes, ‘to my cousin Frederick, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will.

Well, you were wrong. Hi Frederick!’

[Daffyd]

A Wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

[GazzaH]

A Wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

He ended with "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"

[Daffyd]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him, and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled and he says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”

She replies, “If your p.nis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”

[husaberg]

https://pics.me.me/i-heard-you-talking-about-getting-ready-for-the-party-6029061.png (https://www.google.co.nz/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwjg36vz7LjZAhWIUZQKHaERClUQjRx6BAgAEAY&url=https%3A%2F%2Fme.me%2Fi%2Fi-heard-you-talking-about-getting-ready-for-the-party-3749194&psig=AOvVaw2-ZYMNz7W4U4hzwB9WCKbu&ust=1519365816530417)

[roogazza]

335428335429335430

[Swoop]

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

"The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."
None. Social workers never change anything.
None. They empower it to change itself!
None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.
None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.
Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.
Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.

[YellowDog]

You'll get a cheaper rego on one of these :2thumbsup

[Daffyd]

A lady went to the store to buy a parrot and asks the sales person, “how much is the parrot cost?” “twenty quid”, says the sales person.

“What’s so special about the parrot ?” she asks…

Sales person: “This parrot can talk”,

So the lady asks the parrot, “how do I look?”

The parrot replies, “you look like a f*cking Slut?”

The lady gets pissed off and tells the sales person that it’s a very rude parrot and she cannot buy it. The sales person tells her to please wait for 2 minutes.

The sales person takes the parrot to the back of the store and shoves the parrot into a bucket of water and when he pulls the parrot out he says, “if you disrespect the lady out there, I’ll soak you in water again” and takes the parrot back outside.

The sales person asked the lady to ask the parrot another question.

Lady: “If I come home with 1 man what would you think?”

Parrot: “He’s your husband”

Lady: “2 men”,

Parrot: “Your husband and his brother”,

Lady: “3 men”,

Parrot: “Your husband, his brother & your brother”

Lady: “4 men”,

Parrot: “Bring the f*cking bucket of water, I already told you she’s a slut!”

[Daffyd]

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00.”

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.

2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.

3. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed it’s alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.

2. Get a water softener.

3. Your dog has ringworm.

4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

5. Your daughter is using cocaine.

6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

7. Your wife is pregnant … twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.

8. And if you don’t stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better

[roogazza]

335509335510335511335512

[Daffyd]

Norman comes home utterly drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely angry.

“Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands.

“At this unbelievable new bar,” Norman says. “The Silver Night Bar. Everything there is silver. It’s got huge silver doors, a silver floor, the works – even the urinal’s silver!”

The wife still doesn’t believe her husband’s story, and the next day checks the internet, finding a place across town called The Silver Night Bar. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.

“Is this The Silver Night Bar?” she asks when the barman answers the phone.

“Yes it is,” barman answers.

“Do you have huge silver doors?”

“Sure do.”

“Do you have silver floors?”

“Most certainly do.”

“What about silver urinals?”

There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the barman yelling, “Hey, Steve, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!”

[YellowDog]

40 years of marriage.

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their

40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic

little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married

couple and for being loving to each other for

all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world

with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two

tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment:

'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.!

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...

The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female ..... :o

[Daffyd]

After having failed his exam, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”

Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”

Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an “A” for the Exam.”

Professor: “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”

Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers:

“Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 17 Year old lover, which is logical but not legal.

The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical.”

[roogazza]

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[Daffyd]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

And then she went back to reading her book.

[Daffyd]

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without s.x for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

“Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister.

“Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.”

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

“That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome in Home Depot either.”

[husaberg]

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."

So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

Judging by her reaction I guess we don't watch the same movies.:bleh:

[roogazza]

335593335594335595

[pete376403]

Is that Melania in the first pic, and Trump without his hairpiece?

[husaberg]

https://media1.tenor.com/images/2086f164770a029cf1f3289bce5a144e/tenor.gif?itemid=7555816 (https://www.google.co.nz/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwj5-4jUm9fZAhUBwbwKHRQmAygQjRx6BAgAEAY&url=https%3A%2F%2Ftenor.com%2Fsearch%2Fmotorbike-gifs&psig=AOvVaw11bHM7lX82mvPawHV2bWJ5&ust=1520409034513222)...http://www.gifbin.com/bin/022014/1392319348_dumb_motorcycle_driver_bumps_into_cars_ and_falls_into_a_pit.gif (https://www.google.co.nz/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwiDhaeSnNfZAhXFqJQKHex0BkYQjRx6BAgAEAU&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.gifbin.com%2F988233&psig=AOvVaw11bHM7lX82mvPawHV2bWJ5&ust=1520409034513222)

[Swoop]

Just had a revelation of the perfect combination!

The motormower AND night vision goggles.
Just brilliant, and the drugged-up cunts over the road won't care!!!

[roogazza]

335605 xxxxxx

[Daffyd]

Second grade teacher Sarah asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their daddies do.

Kimberley went first,

“My dad is a heart surgeon and he saves people’s lives”

Sarah replies; “That’s wonderful Kimberley. Now how about you Bethany, what does your father do?”

“My dad is a criminal lawyer and he puts bad people in prison,” says Bethany

“Very good Bethany. Ok Kenneth, what does your father do?”

“My dad is dead” says Kenneth.

“Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that Kenneth,” said Sarah, “what did he do before he died?”

Kenneth answered; “He turned black and blue and shit on the carpet”

[Daffyd]

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff,s Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy,s expense.

Deputy says, “License and registration, please.”

Lawyer says, “What for?”

Deputy says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign ”

Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Deputy says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”

Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Deputy says, “The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between “SLOW DOWN” and “STOP”, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket.”

Deputy says, “Exit your vehicle, sir.”

At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: “DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?

[Daffyd]

ix old retired guys are sat playing poker at Gary’s house one night when Rocco loses 600 bucks on a single hand. At the shock of this he clutches his chest and then drops dead from a heart attack.

Tony asks, “Who’s going to go and tell the situation to his wife?”

None of them want this horrible job so they finally decide to cut the pack, and lowest card loses and has to go tell her.

Ronald draws a three and loses so he’s the one who has to go and break the bad news. The others tell him to be discreet and gentle so as not to make a bad situation even worse.

Ronald says, “Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet – discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me, not a problem.”

He drives over to Rocco’s house and knocks on the door. Rocco’s wife answers and asks Ronald what he wants.

Ronald replies, “I’m sorry to have to tell you this but your husband just lost 600 bucks playing cards and is afraid to come home. He’s asked me to come over here and apologize to you.”

Rocco’s wife goes crazy and screams, ” You tell him I said drop dead!”

Ronald doesn’t bat an eyelid and says, “Ok, I’ll go tell him.”

[Daffyd]

So this guy is in Rhode Island hunting for geese. He catches one and puts it in his bag with the other geese. Just as he closes the bag, a Hunting Inspector walks up.

“Sir, can I please see that bag?” he asks. “Sure,” says the hunter and hands the bag over.

The Inspector looks through the bag, pulls out one goose, and sticks his finger up its ass. He pulls it out, smells it and says, “This here’s a Virginia goose, and do you have a Virginia Hunting License?”

The hunter looks through his wallet and pulls out it and shows it to the inspector. The inspector nods and sticks his hand in the bag and pulls out another goose.

He sticks his finger up it’s ass and says, “This here’s a Maine goose, do you have a Maine Hunting License?”

The hunter looks again through his wallet, pulls out the card, and shows it to the inspector. He nods again, and pulls out the last goose. He does the routine and says, “This here is a Rhode Island goose, and do you have a Rhode Island Hunting License?”

The hunter fishes through his wallet, shows the card to the inspector and puts it back in.

“Boy,” you having all these licenses, where you from?” asks the Inspector.

The hunter pulls down his pants and asks, “Why don’t you find out?”

[YellowDog]

_______________________________

[Daffyd]

An airplane captain Zouma was helping a new flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.

Upon their arrival, Zouma showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shopping, and stay overnight. The next morning as Zouma was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new hostess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

The blonde hostess answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!” Zouma can’t believe what he heard and asks,

“You can’t get out of your room? Why you can’t ?”

The new hostess answers, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

[Bikkie]

At the National Gallery
a husband and
wife were staring at a
potrait that had them
completely confused.
The painting depicted
three black men
totally naked sitting
on a park bench.Two
of the figures had
black penises,but the
one in the middle had
a pink penis.The
curator of the gallery
realized that they
were having trouble
interpreting the
painting and offered
his assessment.He
went on for over half
an hour explaining
how it depicted the
sexual amaculation
of black men in a
prelominately white,
patriarchal society."In
fact,"he pointed out,
"Some serious critics
believe that the pink
penis also reflects the
cultrual and
sociological
oppression
experienced by gay
men in comtemporary
society." After the
curator left,a man
approached the
couple and said,
"Would you like to
know what the
painting is really
about?"
"Now why
would you claim to be
more of an expert
than the curator of
the gallery?" asked
the couple."Because
I'm the man who
painted it," he replied."In fact,there
are no black men
depicted at all!"
They're just three
Welsh coal miners,
The guy in the middle,
went home for lunch."

[husaberg]

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[Daffyd]

An old blind guy goes for a job at a lumberyard. During the interview, the owner says, “You’re blind, how can you possibly tell one piece of wood from another?”

The blind guy responds that he can tell you everything you need to know about wood by its smell. So the owner decides to test him and sends a worker out to the yard for some lumber. They lay the first piece on the desk and the blind man walks over, sniffs it from one end to the other and says, “It’s cherry, a 1” x 4” that is 6’ long!”

All the employees are stunned. “You’re right,” says the owner. They get another one and the same thing happens with the blind announcing it’s an 8’ piece of cedar. And again, he’s right.

The owner pulls an employee aside and tells him to go get the secretary, have her take her clothes off and lay on the desk.

Once she is settled in the blind guy starts at one end and sniffs the length of her. He looks stumped, so he asks to have the wood turned over, and she does. Again he sniffs top to bottom and starts to scratch his head.

The owner is getting excited because he thinks he’s fooled the old guy. Then suddenly the old guy responds, “Wait a minute, I’ve got it. It’s the shithouse door off a tuna boat!”

[Banditbandit]

In breaking news - Four athletes at the para-Olympics in Korea have tested positive for WD-40.

[Daffyd]

One day while Adam was walking on Earth, The God came to Adam to transmit some news. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news, Adam.” The God said.

Adam looked at The God and said, “Well, please give me the good news first.”

The God smiles and explains, “I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to explore new things, fix problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a p***s. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate the Earth. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.”

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great news?

“The God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, “You will never be able to use these two great organs at the same time.”

[Banditbandit]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

[Bikkie]

A recently widowed Jewish lady named Sarah,was sitting on a beach towel
at Brighton.She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up,placed
his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.Smiling she attemped to
strike up a conversation
with him."Hello sir,how are you?" "Fine thank you," he responded,and turned
back to his book."I love the beach,Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year." he replied and again turned
back to his book."Do you live around here?" she asked "Yes I live over in Hove."
he answered and then resumed reading.Trying to find a topic of common interest,
Sarah persisted "Do you like pussycats?" with that the man threw his book down
jumped off his blanket onto hers tore off both their swimsuits and gave the
most torrid fuck of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle,Sarah gasped and asked the man,"How did you
know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied,"How did you know my name was Katz?"

[Ocean1]

Dear Mr Addison, I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more-than-prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.

I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue, have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer, I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised.

In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores", whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system".

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries: 1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system; 2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please forward it by Friday. Yours sincerely, H J Lee, Customer Relations.

[Daffyd]

The following is a letter from a son at boarding school to his father!

Dear Dad,

$chool is ace. I have made lot$ of new friends – $imon, $tephen and $tanley. I really can’t think of any $tuff that I need just now. If it i$ okay with you though, $end me a note or letter a$ it would be $o $o nice to hear from you!

Your loving $on!

The reply came:

Hello Son,

I kNOw that EcoNOmics, oceaNOgraphy and AstrNOmy are more than eNOugh to keep you busy. The pursuit of kNOwlege is a NOble and hoNOurable task so you can never do eNOugh studying.

Take care. Hope you have enjoyed receiving my NOte!

Love Dad!

[Daffyd]

My dad is 67 years old. One day we went to the mall with him. Suddenly I noticed he is staring at a teenage girl with Iroquois and bright yellow, green and purple hair on her head. The girl noticed his unwavering gaze and asked him, “What’s up creaker? Haven’t you ever done anything crazy?”

My dad replied immediately: “Once upon a time, I was drunk and stoned and I had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering what if you are my daughter.”

[husaberg]

Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”

How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, "Ribbit, ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, rub it.”

What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

[husaberg]

Aussie cricket unveil their new wet weather uniforms using a unique 3M material

https://www.merrittsupply.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/3M-9-x-11-401Q-Imperial-Wetordry-A-Weight-Sandpaper-450x450.jpg (https://www.google.co.nz/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwjBg6fF5YvaAhXGjJQKHQfKCdIQjRx6BAgAEAU&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.merrittsupply.com%2Fproduct% 2F3m-9-x-11-401q-imperial-wetordry-a-weight-sandpaper%2F&psig=AOvVaw0XlR6jDeqQ4yFy_6j-MgEZ&ust=1522215689810136)

[Akzle]

http://www.evilmilk.com/galleries/weird-100/weird-21.jpg
http://www.evilmilk.com/galleries/weird-100/weird-28.jpg

[Daffyd]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.

“OK, follow me,” he said, and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally, he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

“Good,” said the first bat tiredly, “Because I didn’t!”

[Daffyd]

Married Joe and Betty are waiting at the bus stop with their eight children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it loaded and only Betty and the eight kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So Joe and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, Joe gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is making me mad.”

The blind man replies, “If you would have put a rubber at the end of your stick, we’d be riding the bus."

[roogazza]

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[Daffyd]

Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter.

The other guy replies, “Yes I do.” And hands him a 10 inch BIC lighter.

Surprised, he asks, “Where did you get this?”

The other guy replies, “Oh, I have a personal genie.”

“Really? Can I make a wish?”

“Sure,” says the man, “but speak clearly because he is hard of hearing.”

“Okay, I will.” He says. “I want a million bucks.”

The genie says, “Okay,” and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly overhead.

And the guy says to the other, “You weren’t kidding. Your genie really is hard of hearing, isn’t he?”

“I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?”

[Daffyd]

Two paramedics arrived at the scene of a car crash. The driver of the car was sitting in his seat, screaming hysterically.

One of the paramedics tried to calm him. “Take deep breaths and pull yourself together. Be thankful that at least you haven’t gone through the windshield like your passenger,” and he pointed at a girl lying unconscious by the side of the road. “She looks in a really bad state.”

Still crying uncontrollably, the driver yelled: “You haven’t seen what’s in her mouth!”

[Banditbandit]

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/newpix/2018/03/26/07/4A8F9EEC00000578-5543537-This_user_joked_that_all_Australian_cricketers_pra ctice_roughing-a-2_1522046146111.jpg

[Banditbandit]

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/newpix/2018/03/26/10/4A9056C100000578-5543537-image-a-37_1522057326696.jpg

[Daffyd]

The telephone rang at dawn. “Hello, Señor Ralph? This is Alfredo, the caretaker at your country house.”

“Hi, Alfredo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Uh, I am just calling to tell you, Señor Ralph, that your parrot died.”

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?”

“Yes, Señor, that’s the one.”

“Damn! That’s a pity. I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

“From eating rotten meat, Señor Ralph.”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Señor Ralph.”

“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

“Yes, Señor Ralph, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”

“My God! What fire are you talking about?”

“The one at your house, Señor. A candle fell and the curtains caught fire.”

“What the hell . . . ? Are you telling me that my $5m mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”

“Yes, Señor Ralph.”

“But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Señor Ralph.”

“What bloody funeral?”

“Your wife’s, Señor Ralph. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods’ Nike driver.”

There was a lengthy silence.

“Alfredo, if you broke that driver, you’re in real trouble…”

[Daffyd]

An Arab enters a taxi. Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel’s and certainly no radio ……..So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door. The Arab asks him:

“What are you doing man?”

The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get out and wait for a camel.”

[Daffyd]

Terrence, woke up after the annual office new year party with a hammering headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the last evening.

After a travel to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife Cara put some coffee in front of him.

“Cara,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” Cara said, her voice smelling scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an asshole,” Terrence said. “Piss on him.”

“You did,” Cara answered. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” said Terrence.

Cara answered; “I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

[YellowDog]

_________________________________

[roogazza]

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[Daffyd]

A Texan visitor to England asked an Englishman to show him the biggest building in town.

“There it is,” said the Englishman. “It’s quite impressive, I must admit.”

“You call that big?” scoffed the Texan. “Back in Texas we have buildings just like that but over a hundred times bigger!”

“I’m not surprised,” said the Englishman. “That’s the local lunatic asylum!”

[Daffyd]

A pilot and co-pilot for Air Lingus, (Irish national airline), were descending for an emergency landing at an airport which they had never been to before. Suddenly the pilot looked out of the windshield and exclaimed: “Look how short the runway is! I’ve never seen one that short!”

At this, the co-pilot looked out and agreed: “Wow, you’re right! Are you sure we can make it?”

“Well, we better had,” said the pilot, “because we’re almost out of fuel.”

Trying not to betray his nerves, he went on the intercom and told the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to a little over stall speed. The huge jumbo jet came screaming in to land, barely under control. The pilot was sweating profusely while the co-pilot said a silent prayer. After what seemed an age, they managed to touch down and came screeching to a halt just yards before the edge of the runway, tyres smoking.

“My God! That was close!” gasped the pilot, mopping the sweat from his brow. “That runway was SHORT!”

“Yeah!” said the co-pilot, “and WIDE too!”

[Daffyd]

A terribly overweight blonde woman goes to her doctor about her weight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat vegetables and grains for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you will have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded.

“I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?”

“No, from skipping.”

[Daffyd]

While riding my Scoot , I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my ol’ lady will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my ol’ lady won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my ol’ lady is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

[Daffyd]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around enjoying the odd whiskey or two. Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. Well, he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip. 'I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible! But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, my bear became as gentle as a lamb.

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him like a plumbers nightmare. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it...circumcision may not have been the best way to start...”

[Banditbandit]

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi having been living in a small town and playing chess ever Thursday night for many years.

One Thursday, as they sit playing chess the Catholic priest says to the Rabbi; “We’ve been friends for many years. There’s something I’ve always wanted to ask you. Do you mind if I ask a personal question?”

“No,” says the Rabbi. “We’ve been friends for a long time. Ask me the question.”

“Well,” says the priest, “have you ever eaten Pork?”

The Rabbi replies: “I must admit that before I became a Rabbi I snuck out to the local Cobb and Co and had a meal of roast pork – so yes, I have eaten pork.”

There’s silence and the pair play a few moves.

The Rabbi looks up. “Now that you have asked me that, there is something I’ve always wanted to ask you.”

The priest smiles. “I think I know what you want to ask – so ask me.”

“Well, have you ever slept with a woman?”

“Yes,” replies the priest. “I must admit that before I became a priest I snuck out of the seminary, went to the local house of ill-repute, handed over my money – and yes, I have slept with a woman.”

There’s silence as they play a few moves. The Rabbi looks up and smiles.

“Better than pork isn’t it …”

[Bikkie]

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

[ a husbands point of view ]

The missus bought a paperback down at
Whitcoulls.I had a look inside her
bag.Twas "Fifty shades of grey"
well I just left her to it.And at ten I
went to bed.An hour later she
appeared:The sight filled me with
dread...In left hand she held a rope.
And in the right she held a whip! She threw
them down upon the floor.And
then began to strip.Well fifty years
or so ago,I might have had a peek.
But Mabel hasn't weathered well.
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind
could not have been much
grimmer.And things then went
from bad to worse,she topped off
her zimmer! she struggled back
upon her feet.A couple minutes
later,she put her teeth back in and
said,"I am dominator!! Now if you
knew our Mabel you'd see just
why I spluttered.I'd spent two
months in traction for the last
complaint I'd uttered.She stood
there nude and naked bent forward
just a bit.I went to hold her sensual
like and stood on her left tit
Mabel screamed her teeth shot out
My god what had I done? She
moaned and groaned then shouted
out.'Step on the other one!!" Well
readers,I can't tell no more about
what occured that day.Suffice to
say my jet black hair,Turned fifty
shades of grey.

[Daffyd]

Cock fighting.

As most of you will know, I live in the Philippines. After basketball, one of the most popular sports is cockfighting. I thought I might look into getting into it. After making a few inquiries I learned that the best fighting roosters are bred in Tibet, (of all places). I contacted this breeder and a deal was made. Rooster duly arrived and I put him in a brand new pen. Imagine my dismay when I checked on him next morning and there was an egg rolling around the pen! I promptly texted the breeder and complained bitterly.

The reply was, "Himalayan rooster!"

[roogazza]

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[Bikkie]

This guy finally gets the chance to bed a
woman he's fancied for ages but just as
they start to undress each other she says,
"I must tell you that I'm a little flat
chested,I hope you don't mind?"
"Nonsense" he says,"You've got nice tits,"
but as he peels off her padded bra,he
notices that she's as flat as a pancake.
"Don't worry,I must tell you that I'm hung
like a baby down ther" he replies.
So she peels his underpants off and is
confronted by the biggest whanger she's
ever seen."I thought you were hung like a
baby" she said."I am" he replies,
"Nine pounds,Four ounces and eighteen
inches long."

[YellowDog]

SERIOUS PARKING FAIL :lol:


http://www.bbc.com/news/av/embed/p065npwc/43940803

[husaberg]

Pickle Slicer Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired too."

[Bikkie]

IRISH PHILOSOPHY

There are only two things to worry about
either you are well or you are sick

If you are well,

then there is nothing to worry about.


If you are sick,

then there are two things to worry about.
Either you will get well or you will die.

If you get well,

there is nothing to worry about.

If you die,

there are two things to worry about.
Either you will go to heaven or hell.

If you go to heaven,

there is nothing to worry about.

But if you go to hell.

You'll be so damn busy shaking hands
with your friends
You won't have time to worry!!

[roogazza]

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[george formby]

Mick and Dave fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Added together, all they had was a staggering 50 pence. Mick said, "Hang on I've got an idea" went into the next butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Dave said, "Are you crazy? Now we haven't got any money at all!"

Mick replied, "Don't worry, just follow me" and went into the next pub where he immediately ordered two pints and two large Jack Daniels.

Dave said, "Now you really have lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in, we haven't any money?"

Mick said, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"

After their drinks Mick said, "OK, I will now stick the sausage through my zip, you will go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The landlord noticed them performing this act, went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Dave said, "Mate, I don't think I can continue this any longer. I am pissed and my knees are killing me."

Mick replied, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!"

[slofox]

Two outback dudes had been on the trail for a "coupla mumfs or so (close to 7 actually)." They were filthy and stank to hell and their clothes were falling off with rot and sunscorth. Skin and bone - hadn't eaten much recently.

And lo, they came upon some kind of farm place and lo again - there were two sheilas sittin' on the gate, wavin' their feet slowly back and forth in the stinkin' heat with the buzz of the bugs keepin' time. First dude goes right up to the first sheila and says "wanna root?"

She sits motionless for a bit then turns slowly round to face him and mumbles "...well I diddin wanna at first...but ya talked me into it ya silver tongued bastard..."

[Akzle]

i thought of sideshow bob.

http://www.evilmilk.com/pictures/A_Good_Listen.jpg

[Bikkie]

Food for thought!!!!!


Robbers entered a bank in a small town.
One of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you..
Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.

One woman laid on the floor in a provocative manner.
The robber approached her saying, Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape.
Please behave accordingly."
This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.

While running from the bank the youngest robber, who had a college degree, said to the oldest robber, who had barely finished elementary school: "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole.?? The older man replied: "Don't be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank."
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.

After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant: "Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen?. "Wait, said the Accountant, "before we do that, let's add the $800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part of today?s robbery."
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.

The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $3 million. The robbers then counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble. "We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe it?s better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber."
This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.

Moral: Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.

[Daffyd]

The other day a local mosque opened its doors and invited non-Muslims to visit in the spirit of their faith's willingness to be open and welcoming, so I too decided to go to the local mosque in Lakemba for the first time to see what it was all about:
Lakemba has a large Muslim population and the Lakemba Mosque is one of Australia's largest.

At the time I was limping a little. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:

"By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed - you will walk today."

I told him I wasn't paralyzed, I only had a small bunion on my left foot.

He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra:

"By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed - you WILL walk today."

Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After prayers I stepped outside, and bugger me, he was right,

MY CAR WAS GONE!!!

[Honest Andy]

https://youtu.be/rFIr8BZCaLk

[roogazza]

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[roogazza]

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[Daffyd]

Two ladies are chatting over coffee,

-‘That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend.’

-‘I know, but I don’t hold any grudges.’

-‘I’m surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her.’

-‘Well, I had to swear to him she’s Jennifer Lopez’s double.’

-‘Wow! Is that true?’

-‘I wouldn’t lie. She’s twice her weight and twice her age.’

[roogazza]

Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him. "Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ......." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[Banditbandit]

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his un-holstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven
round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."


A voice from the back of the room called out "You need more ammo.”

[YellowDog]

are proud of their large cocks :yes:

[roogazza]

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[Honest Andy]

https://youtu.be/upEBdKFGlPg

[roogazza]

Subject: Irish Pillion Rider.

A motorcyclist is traveling down an Irish road when he passes a pedestrian going the same way.

He pulls up and waits for the man to reach him. He asks "Would you like a lift?"

" That would be very nice, but I have never been on a motorcycle. What do l do.?" he replies.

"Just get on the back and enjoy the experience" says the biker.

They have barely travelled a mile when the biker gets tapped on the shoulder so he pulls up.

"I I I aamm aabbssoolluutteellyy ffrreeeezziinnggg. I I cccaanntt ggoo oonn." he stammers.

"Mmmm. I know. The wind is getting through your jacket button holes. Take it off and reverse it.

" I will do the buttons up down your back. That will solve the problem."

This they do and soon they are on the road again. The biker gets the thumbs up from behind.

Soon they come to a twisty section of road, just perfect for motorcycling.

This section over, the biker leans back to ask how his new friend is finding the trip.

OOPS!!!!! No pillion passenger.

He makes a quick u turn and speeds back until he sees a small gathering in the middle of the road.

He dismounts and pushing his way to the front he yells "He's my mate. How is he. Is he OK.

One of the crowd replies "Yes. He is now that we were able to wrench his head back to face forward."

.

[roogazza]

Subject: Grandfathers Know Everything!

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth.

'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse'

'Oh,' Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

[Bikkie]

Me and my girlfriend
play the "England
World Cup Squad"
sex game-neither of
us know why we're
there or what we're
doing,there's little
passion of
communication and
we rarely even make
it past the first stage.
It's often
accompanied by lots
of unnecessary noise,
horrible dribbling and
never a clean sheet.
It's always over far
too quickly and when
it does end we know
it'll be at least
another 4 years
before it happens
again.

[Bikkie]

Two ladies talking in
heaven,1st woman Hi
Wanda.2nd woman,Hi
Sylvia how'd you die?
1st woman,I froze to death.
2nd woman,how
horrible.1st woman,it
wasn't so bad after I quit
shaking from the cold I
began to get warm and
sleepy and finally died a
peaceful death.What
about you? 2nd woman,I
died of a massive heart
attack I suspected that
my husband was cheating
so I came home early to
catch him in the act but
instead I found him all by
himself in the den
watching tv.1st woman,
So what happened? 2nd
woman,I was so sure
there was another
woman there somewhere
that I started running all
over the house looking, I
ran up into the attic and
searched and down into
the basement then I went
through every closet and
checked under all the
beds I kept this up until I
had looked everywhere
and finally I become so
exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart
attack and died. 1st
woman,Too bad you
didn't look in the
freezer-we'd both still
be alive.

[roogazza]

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[YellowDog]

How can it be?

[YellowDog]

A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plonks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!” “Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee, and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior, a 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green .. and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted .. and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior."
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!” “So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile."

“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said .. “You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?"