Friday jokes [Archive] - Page 2

doc

2nd July 2010, 08:46

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another Fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all.

My wife won twice last week.'

Swoop

2nd July 2010, 11:11

I've never seen the fascination with teabagging.
Dropping my bollocks into the wife's tea just burns like fuck.

The other night, there was a mosquito buzzing right in my ear.

I thought there was a World Cup match on.

one fast tl1ooo

2nd July 2010, 16:07

Shop Signs - Play on Words
Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong: LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS.

Tailor shop, Rhodes: ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.
IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Where's the English Channel? I don't know - our television doesn't pick it up.

crazyhorse

3rd July 2010, 08:25

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,
'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had bugger all', he says, B-U-G-G-E-R A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada.

Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.

one fast tl1ooo

3rd July 2010, 09:20

Murphy's Law of DIY (Do-It-Yourself )
Any project will require at least two journeys to the hardware shop.

If you need more than one item (pair, four, etc) the probability that one will be damaged or the wrong colour is directly proportional to the desire or need of the object.

You always need more paint.

You never have enough nails, screws or glue.

The likelihood that you will complete a weekend project before the end of the weekend decreases with when you actually start the project.

Therefore: Any plumbing project started after 4pm on Sunday will require an emergency call to the plumber to get the water running again.

To estimate the amount of time needed to complete a project: estimate the amount of time needed, multiply by two and use the next highest unit. Hence: A one hour task will take at least two days to complete

crazyhorse

3rd July 2010, 20:35

Martha recently lost her husband.

She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me?

I bought it with the insurance money!'

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,

'Herman, remember that car you promised me?

Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,

'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me?

Bought it too, with the insurance money!'

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes,

She said,

'Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?'

'Here it comes.'

crazyhorse

5th July 2010, 18:33

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.' I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

Swoop

14th July 2010, 09:58

I've just started a company selling prayer mats with bombs hidden in them outside mosques.

Business is booming!

Prophets are going through the roof!

Banditbandit

14th July 2010, 11:17

Here's got to be on ofc the sickest one of all ...

Heard in a pub:
"I found out my mother was a porn star in the 1970s ... I don't know what is worse ... the fact that she did it, or the fact that I didn't stop masterbating when I recognized her face ... "

slofox

14th July 2010, 15:43

Swoop

15th July 2010, 11:04

The verses banned from primary schools:

Old McDonald was dyslexic
I E Q Z P

Old McDonald had Tourettes
E I Cock Bollocks CUNT.

slofox

15th July 2010, 11:44

The verses banned from primary schools:

Old McDonald was dyslexic
I E Q Z P

Old McDonald had Tourettes
E I Cock Bollocks CUNT.

Very good...'specially the second one. As a one time Touretter myself, I can appreciate it...

crazyhorse

16th July 2010, 07:58

A new blonde joke!!!

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....

SHIT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

one fast tl1ooo

16th July 2010, 08:49

Roger left for work on Friday morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.

Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'

Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.'

Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough so that Roger he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye

Stirts

16th July 2010, 14:26

The three stages of married sex:

1. Tri-weekly.
2. Try weekly.
3. Try weakly.

---------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is like that film 'Sex, Lies, And Videotape'.
Only without the sex. And the videotape.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Whenever I tell my wife, "I love you, plain and simple," she never seems to realise that I'm insulting her.

---------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage, just one small word, yet it can make anal sex too painful and oral sex disgusting

----------------------------------------------------------------
New statistics are out. The most popular position for married couples is Doggy Style.
The husband begs for it and the wife rolls over and plays dead

Swoop

16th July 2010, 15:16

... and the wife rolls over and plays dead
Aah! The good old "English position"!!:Punk:

one fast tl1ooo

16th July 2010, 18:41

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

crazyhorse

17th July 2010, 18:28

new pill out..................http://mingimper.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/tiagra.jpg

one fast tl1ooo

17th July 2010, 18:36

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

crazyhorse

17th July 2010, 20:02

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

crazyhorse

18th July 2010, 07:30

An older couple is lying in bed one morning.
They had just awakened from a good night's sleep
He takes her hand and she responds, 'Don't touch me.'
'Why not?' he asked.
She answered, 'Because I'm dead.'

The husband asked...'What are you talking about?

We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!'

She said, 'No, I'm definitely dead.'

He insisted, 'You are not dead.

What in the world makes you think you're dead?'

'Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.'

Swoop

20th July 2010, 08:39

Nike have just introduced a new shoe exclusively for lesbians. They are called " Nikes-4-dykes".

They have 50% more tongue and you can get them of with one finger.:shifty:

one fast tl1ooo

20th July 2010, 13:39

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Paddy "OK, done that, what next?

crazyhorse

20th July 2010, 13:57

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."

one fast tl1ooo

20th July 2010, 13:58

Matt Lucas's ex-partner hanged himself. Matt is said to be still distraught but on a lighter note, he is now the only gay in the village.

crazyhorse

20th July 2010, 13:59

Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?

one fast tl1ooo

20th July 2010, 14:01

Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut

one fast tl1ooo

20th July 2010, 14:04

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm having that!"

one fast tl1ooo

21st July 2010, 09:34

ABC's of ex girlfriends
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.

D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K
stands for Kill.

L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

crazyhorse

21st July 2010, 21:34

I just took a leaflet out of my letterbox, informing me that I can have sex at 74! ... .... ..... ...... ...

I'm sooooo happy, because I live at 68..... so it's not far to walk home afterwards!

Banditbandit

22nd July 2010, 09:53

This guy went into a second hand shop to buy one for his watch ...

Edbear

22nd July 2010, 10:21

I just took a leaflet out of my letterbox, informing me that I can have sex at 74! ... .... ..... ...... ...

I'm sooooo happy, because I live at 68..... so it's not far to walk home afterwards!

I live at number 10. I think 74 is the retirement village further up... :blink:

BoristheBiter

22nd July 2010, 11:03

Did you hear that the chief sensor has reclassified the movie Twilight due to its sexual context.

He was quoted as saying "its a just story about a girls decision on either Beastyality or necrophilia"

one fast tl1ooo

22nd July 2010, 14:33

If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet........God willing, someday you will be......

The 2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake..
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!

Swoop

23rd July 2010, 12:32

Listening to a censored Eminem song on the radio is a lot like having a conversation with someone on the Telicom XT network.

doc

23rd July 2010, 18:58

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over,looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and
I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad
but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,

'I'll tell you something else, boy,
your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up,
takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says....................

'Grandpa.......... Go home!
__________________

JakeTehMuss

23rd July 2010, 20:56

213850
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'
'It's The Box Office.'
213851

Swoop

23rd July 2010, 22:10

Whats the difference between your cock and your money?...

After you get married your wife will still blow your money.

crazyhorse

24th July 2010, 13:32

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Swoop

25th July 2010, 17:01

I've just started a company selling prayer mats outside mosques, with bombs hidden in them.

Business is booming.

Prophets are going through the roof!

Stirts

26th July 2010, 16:52

I have a friend on facebook whose status says "Suicidal - Standing on the edge of a cliff".

So I poked him...

one fast tl1ooo

26th July 2010, 16:57

Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Stirts

26th July 2010, 17:08

The World Squash Championship began yesterday with germany flying into an early lead.

Theres been a new outbreak of foot and mouth in germany...
At least 18 people got it.

crazyhorse

27th July 2010, 08:24

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is ..... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is.......

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate.
This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....

(scroll down)

NO, The duck didn't say THAT

.... Don't be SO disgusting!

The duck said....

'I am a DRAKE, You made a MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!

crazyhorse

28th July 2010, 08:09

FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath.. She puts her foot in and pauses..... She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_____________________________________

one fast tl1ooo

30th July 2010, 09:44

From A Mother With Love
Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

one fast tl1ooo

30th July 2010, 09:48

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

Swoop

30th July 2010, 12:19

A friendly German, a brave Frenchman, a slim American, a unique Chinaman and an Australian with a massive cock walk into a bar and a Jew says, "Drinks are on me."

one fast tl1ooo

30th July 2010, 18:15

CHEWING
GUM!

An Australian man was having a
coffee and croissants with butter
and jam in a cafe when an
American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American,
who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, 'You
Australian folk eat the whole
bread?'
The
Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his
breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'
The
American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only
eat what's inside. ?The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to
Australia .'
The American had a smirk on his
face. The Australian listened in silence.

The
American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with
your bread?' Sighing, the
Australian replied, 'of course.'

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the
American said, 'we don't. In the
States, we eat fresh fruit
for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds
and the
leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam
and
sell it to Australia ..

The Australian then
asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'

The
American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian
leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the
condoms once you've used them?'

'We throw them
away, of course!'

Now it was the Australians
turn to smile.

'We don't. In Australia , we put
them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing
gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you think it's
called Wrigley's?'?

crazyhorse

31st July 2010, 09:15

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States ,
wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait
for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the
distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ...
every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis
drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying
breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush..."

crazyhorse

31st July 2010, 09:39

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that

could pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims,

"If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year,

and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,

"If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also
establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!

"More sighs and loud applause.

Joe Tavares stands up and says ,if the preacher stays I will provide him with
all the wine he wants.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
"If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her,

"Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide,
holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head
from side to side, while his wife replies,

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help,
and he said, "Screw him!"

crazyhorse

31st July 2010, 18:00

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed,

'He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said,

'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And thats when the fight started

crazyhorse

3rd August 2010, 07:29

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every colour.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt.... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a twist; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2010 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember where ever there is a good looking; sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest..

14. If it has Tyres or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a women realises her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.

'Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live for today'.

one fast tl1ooo

3rd August 2010, 08:24

Tough, Rangi

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a Maori outside a Welfare office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by Prime Minister Key and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in South Auckland from the Hokianga with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !-- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

Rangi now got bolder.. "I need a big house with a three-car garage on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live up North.. I want to bring them all down here" --- and -- PING !-- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking a bay.

"One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like a real New Zealander with good clothes instead of these torn clothes. And I want to have white skin like the majority of New Zealanders" ---and --- PING ! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn-out jeans, a "Yeah Right" Tui T Shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house?"

THIS IS GOOD . . . ... ..... .... . ..........

NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD . .... . . ......... ..... ...

The fairy said:
"Tough shit, Rangi, now that you are a white New Zealander, you have to fend for yourself.."

crazyhorse

3rd August 2010, 08:39

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust'

And then the fight started..

one fast tl1ooo

3rd August 2010, 08:41

Billing
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer

Swoop

3rd August 2010, 09:11

I remember it well. I was about 14 when this girl came up and kissed me. I was so scared, I ran away.
It was my first French kiss.

Im into S&M, im also into necrophilia and beastiality.
my missus reckons im flogging a dead horse.

What does a Paralympian fear the most? Testing positive for WD-40!

Banditbandit

3rd August 2010, 09:20

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat."

....He never heard the gunshot

one fast tl1ooo

3rd August 2010, 09:22

0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday

crazyhorse

4th August 2010, 14:04

one fast tl1ooo

5th August 2010, 09:13

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock

Swoop

5th August 2010, 12:27

New Zealand Headlines: "First NZ troop killed in Afghanistan"

Second New Zealand Headline: "New Zealand admits defeat in war with Taliban" :shifty:

All the numpties had to start saying "bring the troops back home"...

Swoop

5th August 2010, 12:30

You know the women that say:

"Why are hot guys always jerks, the nice guys always taken, and the hot and nice guys always gay?"

You're fat. Stop making fucking excuses.

crazyhorse

5th August 2010, 20:13

The $100 TATTOO

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Judy, says, "Where in the hell have you been'??"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "'What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got 2 x $50 notes tattooed on my penis," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollars tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want."

Larry is now recovering in Ward 23.

crazyhorse

6th August 2010, 08:05

Tillie - Maude - Gertrude

These three old ladies and their dogs

were sitting on a park bench

having a quiet conversation

when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies,

stood right in front of them

and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tillie, being older and more feeble,

couldn't reach that far. :rofl:

Banditbandit

6th August 2010, 09:35

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' - and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

A) Sparrow

B) Thrush,

C) Magpie,

D) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple ˆ it's s a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was DA Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

crazyhorse

6th August 2010, 18:15

Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before
she could say 'Fuck Off!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

Swoop

9th August 2010, 10:35

Twilight...
Back in my day vampires sucked blood, not cock.

Bald Eagle

10th August 2010, 09:33

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the endof it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began totell their stories.

Karl said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egglaying chooks.One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket onthe front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the roadand all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.'
'What's the moral of the story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Emilie raised her hand and said, 'Our familyare farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One daywe had adozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is: 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.’
'That was a fine story Emilie.’<o></o>

‘Johnny, do you have a story to share?'<o></o>
'Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Raelene. Aunty Raelene was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf Warand her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she hadwas 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drankall the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then shelandedright in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of themwith the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killedtwenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then shekilledthe last ten with her bare hands.'
'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind ofmoral did your father tell you from that horrible story?'
'Stay the f... away from Aunty Raelene when she's been on the piss.'<o></o>

Banditbandit

10th August 2010, 16:00

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children..

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a
beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't
see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and
began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could
continue counting on his other hand.

crazyhorse

11th August 2010, 19:05

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

crazyhorse

11th August 2010, 19:51

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So, they buried Susie.

doc

12th August 2010, 07:41

Banditbandit

12th August 2010, 08:48

A man picks up a nice looking chick in the bar .. and eventually they wind up at her place ... He goes down on her and is busy with the tongue, when all of a sudden he stops and picks a pea out of his mouth.

He looks up at her and asks: "Are you sick?"

"Nooo" she replies.

So, back to work with the tongue he goes, when all of a sudden he stops and pulls a small piece of carrot from his mouth. "Are you sure you're not sick?" he asks.

"No, she replies. "I'm fine."

Back to work he goes, when suddenly there's a piece of sweetcorn in his mouth.

"Look, are you really sure you're not sick?" he asks.

"No," she replies. "But the last guy down there was ... "

Swoop

12th August 2010, 12:15

I've just been given two weeks to live.

The wife's gone away for a fortnight!

Swoop

12th August 2010, 12:17

I'm not convinced that faith can move mountains, but I've seen what it can do to skyscrapers...

Goblin

12th August 2010, 14:10

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

What's the definition of a will? It's a dead give away.

A lot of money is tainted. Taint yours and it taint mine.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

Shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

one fast tl1ooo

12th August 2010, 17:16

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress. "Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship. "First we swim around the people in the water with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them? "

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

crazyhorse

13th August 2010, 11:59

Knock, knock

Who's there?

You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?

You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who?

Nevermind, it's pointless.

Banditbandit

13th August 2010, 12:24

A man is sitting in the hospital waiting room - his first child is about to be born. He's really nervous and smoking a lot (old joke)

After about a two-hour wait a nurse comes into the room and says "Mr Smith? Mr Smith?"

The man nervously stubbs out the three cigarettes he has burning, leaps to his feet and says; "That's me .. what's wrong? What's happened?"

"Calm down," says the nurse. "Nothing's happened, you've just had a baby son."

"Oh, that's wonderful," he says. "Can I see my son? PLeeaase."

The nurse says that will be OK, but the baby needs to sleep, so it must be a short visit. She takes him into the nursery and shows him the crib, with the baby in it. He's rapt.

"Hello," he says. "I'm Daddy." He plays with the baby's tiny hands and coos.

After about three minutes the nurse says he wil have to leace.

"THat's fine, Isn't my son beautiful?" he asks.

"Not bad," says the nurse, grabbing the baby by the ankles and slamming it into the wall. The head flies of and there is blood everwhere.

He's really shocked. "Oh no. My baby ! My baby !!! What have you done !!!!"

The nurse replies "Ha ha .. April Fools .. still born !!!"

Swoop

13th August 2010, 13:46

I approached a girl in a bar and said, "I bet if I show you what I've got in my trousers, you'll want to come home with me for sex".

She said, "Go on then".

And that's when I showed her my knife.

Why is it that you can go for half the bloody day "Needing to have a shit", But the moment you see porcelain it's a life and death struggle to get your belt undone and trousers down before you crap yourself? :scratch:

Banditbandit

13th August 2010, 16:30

A Koala Bear is sitting in a tree having a joint ... a lizard climbs and asks:

"What are you doing?"

"I'm having a joint," the koala replies. "Wanna join me?"

"Sure," says the lizard.

So they have one or three joints then the lizard says; "My mouth's getting really dry. I think I'll go down to the river for a drink."

He climbs down the tree and walks to the river, but he's so wasted he falls in the water. As he's thrashing around trying to get out, a large crocodile comes along. Lifting the lizard onto the bank the croc says; "Hi Cuz .. what's up with you?"

"I've been up that tree over there having a few joints with that Koala over there."

"Right," says the croc. "I'll sort out that koala!"

He walks over to the tree and looks up. "Hey, you ... Koala!"

The koala tokes on the joint .. looks down ... and says "Faaark man ... how much water did you drink?"

one fast tl1ooo

13th August 2010, 18:29

Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

one fast tl1ooo

13th August 2010, 19:28

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, at my local in Liverpool, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another. All the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

Although the Irishman swore every word was true, the Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims . Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me wife quite a few times."

sfordnz

13th August 2010, 20:40

Roses are red violets are blue,

This is my knife

Now get in the van

crazyhorse

14th August 2010, 06:31

"When I were a boy, Momma would send me down to da corner store wit' a dollar,
and I'd come back wit' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o'
milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs. Ya' can't do that now.

Too many f...............' security cameras."

crazyhorse

14th August 2010, 06:32

Virago

14th August 2010, 13:18

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

Have you guys ever considered the outrageous possibility of actually reading a thread before posting in it...? :yes:

one fast tl1ooo

14th August 2010, 13:38

Have you guys ever considered the outrageous possibility of actually reading a thread before posting in it...? :yes:

Hey man dont blame me.. :lol: who was there 1st.. O thats rite it was me :rofl:

crazyhorse

14th August 2010, 16:41

Have you guys ever considered the outrageous possibility of actually reading a thread before posting in it...? :yes:

Oh well, occupational habit -esp when you live in the same place and get the same emails..... its normally a race to put it on, and golly gee, i didn't see it - so guess ............... I lose:shit:

sfordnz

14th August 2010, 19:54

Have you ever noticed........

how it's only ever 'perfect people' that are murdered or killed these days? 'He / she was the perfect son / daughter' - 'they were such a perfect couple' - 'the perfect family killed in a tragic accident'.

Doesn't it make you glad that you're a cunt.

Schrgd

14th August 2010, 21:46

As it was our ten year anniversary my wife wanted to try something

'We both have a piece of paper, and on that write down 5 people you are allowed to sleep with outside our relationship'

I thought it was a bit strange but I went along with it.

When we were both finished my wife gave me her piece and it said: George Clooney, Simon Cowell, Brad Pitt, Robbie Williams and Tom Cruise

She looked at mine and it read: Your sister, your mum and our three daughters

crazyhorse

15th August 2010, 11:02

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old.

Well...you'll love this one.

My name is alice , and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school ...

'yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.

'when did you graduate?' i asked.

He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'

'you were in my class!', i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly,

old,

bald,

wrinkled faced,

fat-assed,

gray-haired,

decrepit

son-of-a-bitch

asked,

'what did you teach

Swoop

16th August 2010, 12:03

My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance.

It's a cool feature but I didn't think the 'LOL' was necessary.:crybaby:

sfordnz

16th August 2010, 22:46

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!"

The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"

The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

Swoop

17th August 2010, 12:21

My girlfriend just dumped me because I'm "The king of stupid comparisons."

I feel like a bacon sandwich on chemotherapy.:bye:

Swoop

19th August 2010, 09:42

It was reported today that a ginger woman had been raped. Police are still trying to establish a motive.

crazyhorse

20th August 2010, 07:43

A chicken farmer went to a local bar..... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne...

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,
but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

Hinny

20th August 2010, 09:30

marie_speeds

20th August 2010, 15:53

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Les give me the bottle opener.' 'I didn't bring it,' says Les. 'I thought you packed it.' Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, 'Did you bring the bottle opener??' Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan starving, but a promise is a promise. Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each.

Just as they are about to eat it, Les pops
up from behind a rock and shouts........

'I KNEW IT...I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!'

Banditbandit

24th August 2010, 11:30

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier"

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffle, "WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added;

"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy for you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either

Swoop

24th August 2010, 12:50

While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Julia Gillard, and her being the Australian prime minister.

The old farmer said, "Well, ya know, Julia is just a Post Tortoise."

Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked,

What's a "Post Tortoise?"

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Tortoise balanced on top, that's a post Tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she's up there, she sure as hell isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb bastard put her up there in the first place."

<G>

25th August 2010, 10:34

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.
The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring back for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl!!!" The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She replied.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for 9 months to see if it is a girl".

Moral of the Story: Requirements should be explicit, elaborate and clearly communicated

Banditbandit

25th August 2010, 14:54

Little Johny is going next door wth his parents to visit the neighbour's new baby. His father warns Johnny that he baby has been born without a nose, and if little Johnny says anything about it he'll get the thrashing of his life.

Little Johnny promises to be good.

The parents and little Johnny are enjoying afternoon tea with the neighbours when Johnny says: "You're new baby is beautiful." Johnny's mother smiles happily.

Thank you," replies the neighbour.

"How are his eyes?" Little Johnny asks.

"Thank you for asking," says the neighbour. "His eyes are perfect."

"That's good," says Little Johnny, "cause he'd be fucked if he needed glasses."

doc

26th August 2010, 07:53

DMNTD

26th August 2010, 08:35

> > Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
> > horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
> > playing the next hole..
> > The ball hit one of the men.
> > He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell
> > to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
> > The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
> > began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help!! I'm a
> > physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'll
> > let me,' she told him.
> > 'Oh, no, I'll be all right! I'll be fine in a few minutes!' the
> > man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position,
> > still clasping his hands there at his groin.
> > At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
> > She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
> > loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
> > She administered tender and artful massage for several
> > long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
> > He replied: 'It feels great! - but I still think my thumb's broken!'

doc

26th August 2010, 09:03

BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility...

Q: 'Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

Swoop

27th August 2010, 09:29

The floods in Pakistan are not a natural disaster. They are a government plan to make sure the Paki's do well at swimming and rowing in the 2012 Olympics.

Hinny

27th August 2010, 13:03

In the Computer Science Dept. at King’s College, University of London they built this super computer with artificial intelligence that could carry on a conversation with anyone at their relative intelligence level.

All one had to do was type in their IQ and the computer, through its' voice activated-sound generating processor, would begin the conversation.

So they thought they would test it out on several of the King’s faculty.

The first faculty member typed in his IQ at 187 and a bunch of lights on the computer began flashing,

then it began a conversation with the scientist on the origins of the universe, mathematical proof of the existence of black holes, and existential philosophy.

The second faculty member then typed in an IQ of 179 and again lights lit up on the computer

(not quite as many as the first faculty member, but...) and it began a conversation with the scientist about molecular biology, brain surgery and international monetary policy.

When they tested it on the third faculty member, his finger slipped at the keyboard and typed in 73 instead of 173.
Not much happened -- just one little light, in the upper right hand of the computer display, slowly dimmed then grew stronger, then dimmed...

Finally the computer said....

"So, how's the Harley running'?"

Hinny

27th August 2010, 14:35

A Blond drops off her 'Little Black Dress' to the cleaners.
On her way out the door the lady at the counter says "Come again"
The Blond replies " No, it's toothpaste this time, you nosey bitch".

Hinny

27th August 2010, 14:41

JATZ

27th August 2010, 20:13

So the Porsche driver parks in the handicapped spot. Meter maid approaches him, says "sir, this space is reserved for the handicapped".
Porsche driver: "I know, I am handicapped".

Meter maid: "Sir, what exactly is your handicap?"

Porsche driver: "TOURETTES, YOU CUNT!"

What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
After you've dumped your load in a washing machine it doesn't follow you around!

nothingflash

27th August 2010, 21:11

Wainuiomata police have busted a P lab behind the local library containing drugs and cash.

The Dominion Post interviewed a local resident who said "The community has been taken by surprise by this. Nobody even knew we have a library".

Swoop

30th August 2010, 08:29

Africa: 'We have no water, please send $10 a month'
Pakistan: 'Fuck we're drowning, please send $10 a month'

How about you two get your fucking heads together and sort it between ya?

Swoop

31st August 2010, 09:34

Why is it that skinny girls think that they're a bit chubby?
Curvy girls think that they're fat?
Fat girls think that they're obese?
And obese girls think they're fucking supermodels?:scratch:

Swoop

31st August 2010, 09:35

If I understand it correctly, Osama Bin Laden's two main achievements so far have been to reduce airline prices and to stop Americans leaving their country and clogging up ours.
So what exactly were we bombing him for? We should give him a fucking knighthood.

It's a shame my wife isn't trapped down that mine with those Chilean miners.
They'd have fucking dug themselves out by now.

My wife treats me like a god...
She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.

<G>

31st August 2010, 22:49

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Swoop

1st September 2010, 07:59

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a cafe discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon " and arched his eyebrows.

The Scotsman then replies '"Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

The Greek retorts 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

The Scotsman replies "Aye that is true but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"

Banditbandit

1st September 2010, 10:09

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.

'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast. 'T-O-A-S-T'...

'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.

'I had Fuck all', he says, 'F-U-C-K A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada . Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.

That's why I got Fuck all for breakfast'.

Swoop

2nd September 2010, 12:21

Sports news just in...

Australia have beaten Pakistan by 5 wickets next Thursday.

Edbear

2nd September 2010, 12:35

Sports news just in...

Australia have beaten Pakistan by 5 wickets next Thursday.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :first:

Swoop

3rd September 2010, 08:12

I feel sorry for the McCanns.

Maddie being The Stig was their last hope.

Love my Bonnie

3rd September 2010, 08:34

I feel sorry for the McCanns.

Maddie being The Stig was their last hope.

So not funny!!:sick:

Swoop

3rd September 2010, 11:13

So not funny!!:sick:
This is a jokes thread. I was going to post it into the "stig revealed" thread, but knew that people would be unhappy with it there.
Just glad I didn't post the really offensive Maddie jokes...

MSTRS

3rd September 2010, 11:24

Just glad I didn't post the really offensive Maddie jokes...

Go on. You know you want to...
Put 'em in the 'offensive jokes thread' tho.

Swoop

3rd September 2010, 11:26

Go on. You know you want to...
Put 'em in the 'offensive jokes thread' tho.
I've had my hand slapped...:shifty:

Banditbandit

3rd September 2010, 14:00

I feel sorry for the McCanns.

Maddie being The Stig was their last hope.

So not funny!!:sick:

I laughed ... took a moment to get it ... but I laughed ...

Hinny

7th September 2010, 10:52

So not funny!!:sick:

Yeah it was.

Love my Bonnie

7th September 2010, 11:03

Yeah it was.

na, as a parent I found it to be in bad taste.
How would you feel if your this was your daughter?

Swoop

7th September 2010, 20:14

My wife has got the dreaded, "Big C".

It's okay though, her asshole is still nice and tight.

RiderInBlack

8th September 2010, 11:53

My wife has got the dreaded, "Big C".

It's okay though, her asshole is still nice and tight.If her "arsehole" is tight & is a "Big C", that means ya must be Scottish, Dutch or Jewish:shifty::dodge:

Swoop

9th September 2010, 08:04

So Paris Hilton thought that the cocaine in her handbag was chewing gum.
Does anyone have a contact number for her? My mate has a shipment of Juicy Fruit he's needs collecting from South America.

Sick and tired of your kids crying out for ice cream when the ice cream van plays its tune?

Simple, just tell them when they play it, it means there is none fucking left!
(are we allowed to mention ice cream vans yet??):whistle:

Swoop

9th September 2010, 08:06

I have invented a kitchen cleaner that kills 0.1% of bacteria.

I plan to sell the secret to Dettol.

Banditbandit

9th September 2010, 13:37

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates... As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'

So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

God simply replied 'You are what you are.'

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'

The zebra looked puzzled.. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes..'

The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'

'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is.'

WARNING: If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Rev Wright and Obama will be comin after yo white ass!

Banditbandit

9th September 2010, 13:37

na, as a parent I found it to be in bad taste.
How would you feel if your this was your daughter?

If it was my daughter I would be disappointed the Stig had died :innocent:

Banditbandit

9th September 2010, 13:38

My wife has got the dreaded, "Big C".

It's okay though, her asshole is still nice and tight.

So ... what you're telling us is that you are drunk ?

MSTRS

9th September 2010, 13:50

So ... what you're telling us is that you are drunk ?

No, but maybe he got her to do the sniff test for chloroform.

Swoop

9th September 2010, 15:22

A WARNING: If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Rev Wright and Obama will be comin after yo white ass!

The BBC have announced a new character for Top Gear.

A mysterious hooded black man will go around stealing fast cars.

He will be known as "The Nig". :shifty:

Banditbandit

9th September 2010, 15:55

The BBC have announced a new character for Top Gear.

A mysterious hooded black man will go around stealing fast cars.

He will be known as "The Nig". :shifty:

Pae rawe. I katakata ahau.

sosman

9th September 2010, 21:18

A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford.

He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"

"A big fat black dude is dancing on a car roof."

"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator,

"You have to use the politically correct terminology"

"OK" he says "Zulu...Tango....Sierra"

one fast tl1ooo

10th September 2010, 14:02

REVENGE ON THE TELEMARKETER

HOW GOOD IS THIS!!!!!

Three Little Words That Work!!

(1) The three little words: 'Hold On, Please...'
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the Telstra's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone Soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls on your home phone
with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a 'real' sales person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialled the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!!

3: When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-prepaid return envelopes, right?
It costs them more than the regular 50 cents postage 'IF' and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage- prepaid return envelopes.

Send an ad for your local carpet cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Westpac.

If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing!

It still costs them $1.00

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but hey, we need to OVERWHELM them.

Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it... Twice!

Let's help keep Australia Post busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!

If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- maybe you'll get very little junk mail anymore

crazyhorse

11th September 2010, 07:37

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide
to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel,

the madam takes one look at the two old geezers and

whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms

and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk,

i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the
difference.'

the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs

and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says,

'you know, i think my girl was dead. !'

'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that. ?'

'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.'

his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch. !'

'a witch! Why the hell would you say that. ?'

'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck,

and i gave her a little bite.

Then she farted and flew out the window.....

Took my teeth with her.

Swoop

13th September 2010, 09:34

I wonder if Google realise that 75% of their traffic is made up of people using them as their 'emergency non-porn tab'?

Banditbandit

13th September 2010, 11:55

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Banditbandit

13th September 2010, 14:37

Hello, is this the police?'

Yes it is. How can we help you?'

'I'm calling to report my neighbour, Rangi. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!'

'Thank you very much for the call.'

Early next morning, police officers descend on Rangi's house in great numbers.

They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.They swear at Rangi and leave.

The phone rings at Rangi's house.

'Hey, Rangi, Did the cops come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop up your firewood?'

'Yeah.'

'Happy Birthday bro!'

Swoop

14th September 2010, 09:46

Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?:scratch:

doc

14th September 2010, 16:52

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

~If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
~ If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat-Boy, Gas-man and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

~ When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
~ When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

~ A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

~ A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

~A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
~ The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 15 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

~ A woman has the last word in any argument.
~ Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

~ A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
~A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife...

MARRIAGE

~ A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
~A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does

DRESSING UP

~ A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
~ A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

~ Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
~ Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

~Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
~ A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house

A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

~ A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

one fast tl1ooo

15th September 2010, 13:47

A man is watching a game of golf on TV.

But he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie

featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game",

he says to his wife.

“For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says.

"You already know how to play golf!"

Banditbandit

15th September 2010, 16:19

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first to the right, then to the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his cap on to a pile of hay.

"Begorra - what on earth are you doing, Mick?" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me!" says an obviously embarrassed Mick.
"But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor "

crazyhorse

17th September 2010, 19:41

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused.
So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
Then she beat the shit out of me......

crazyhorse

18th September 2010, 08:46

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ARSICONS?'
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) an arsehole

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around

(_x_) kiss my arse

(_X_) leave my arse alone

(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse

(_?_) Dumb Arse

You have just been e-mooned!

Banditbandit

20th September 2010, 11:39

As John arrives home his wife hands him a small package. He opens it and says excitedly, "My new Olympic condoms have arrived ... I'll think I'll go for Gold tonight."

His wife replies; "Why don't you try silver and come second for a change."

Banditbandit

20th September 2010, 13:47

Skinny little Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and
sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the
little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big
guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say
to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says:

'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!

Swoop

21st September 2010, 08:28

I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.

I've had it right up to here with them.

Banditbandit

21st September 2010, 09:51

I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.

I've had it right up to here with them.

I see what you mean.

Swoop

23rd September 2010, 07:54

Paris Hilton has been denied entry to Japan.
I think it's unfair. No one has ever been denied entry to Paris.

Swoop

23rd September 2010, 09:38

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood - big, stately residences, no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all ...NO PUBLIC TOILETS!
He really, really had to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finally finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie . "Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobby, "That was really decent of you ... is that what you call "British hospitality?"

"No sir," the Bobby replied. "It's what we call 'The French Embassy'."

doc

23rd September 2010, 15:45

OK one for the music download thieves among us.

Brian d marge

23rd September 2010, 19:30

OK one for the music download thieves among us.

yes to that question ,,,a big yes,,,, ( the question in the picture)

Stephen

Hinny

23rd September 2010, 23:25

I'd buy her a house.

DMNTD

24th September 2010, 21:13

4 things to remember when entering a marae: 1. Shoes off 2. Socks off 3. Sawn off 4. Safety off

Banditbandit

27th September 2010, 15:14

Quote for the day

god created the orgasm so that women can moan, even when they are happy.

Banditbandit

28th September 2010, 11:24

A traffic police officer stops two nuns on a motorcycle for riding too slowly.

He approaches the rider and says: "M'am, the speed limit on this road is 60 miles an hour and yet you are riding at 21 miles an hour. You'll have to speed up, as you're slow speed is causing traffic to build up."

"I'm sorry officer," the nun says. "I saw a sign back there that said 21 and I thought that was the speed limit."

"M'am that sign says 21 because it is Highway 21. The speed limt is 60 miles an hour," the officer says.

Then the police officer notices the nun on the pillion seat is white and shaking and looking very ill.

"M'am," he asks the rider, "What's wrong with your pillion?"

"Oh," replies the nun. "She's fine,. She probably doesn't look good because we just got of Highway 205."

MSTRS

28th September 2010, 13:28

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, “Great… he’s 4 and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, I’ll just let him ask and I’ll answer.”

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said: “Well, son, do you have any questions?”

“Just one,” gasped the still wide-eyed lad:

“How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”

crazyhorse

28th September 2010, 14:30

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes..
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions.."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,"What's your occupation?"
"I'm a prostitute," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little cocks last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."

Swoop

28th September 2010, 14:31

The best engine ever designed is a vagina; it takes any size piston, self-lubricates, can start itself with one finger and does its own oil change once every 28 days.

Banditbandit

28th September 2010, 15:41

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.

Onme of the mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.

When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over.

'What happened, Grandpa?' he was asked by his concerned children.

'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!'

Swoop

29th September 2010, 11:17

"I've really had it with my dog, he'll chase anyone on a bike."
"What are you going to do, have him put down?"
"No, I think I'll just take his bike away".

crazyhorse

29th September 2010, 17:15

'Viagra' is now available

In powder form

For your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance

But it does stop your biscuit going soft!

DMNTD

29th September 2010, 18:28

Guy says 2 a chick in the pub "I'd give you one!"
She say's, "you filthy pig I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last man on earth!"
He says "Whoa, steady on ya fat cunt, I was giving ya a rating out a 10!

nothingflash

29th September 2010, 18:47

OK one for the music download thieves among us.

So would that be rape or shop lifting?

doc

30th September 2010, 07:01

Bubba And The Cough Syrup

A pharmacist walks into his store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks Bubba, his new pharmasist assistant, 'What's with that guy over there by the wall?'

Bubba responds, 'Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I
gave him an entire bottle of liquid laxative.'

The pharmacist yells, 'You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!'

Bubba responds, 'Of course you can! Look at him .. he's afraid to cough.'

nadroj

30th September 2010, 09:45

An Australian schoolteacher explains to her class that she
is a Wallabies fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too,
are Wallabies fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one
little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie,
why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Wallabies fan," she
replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a
Wallabies fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am an All Blacks fan, and
proud of it,"
Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Janie, why are you an All Blacks fan?" "Because my mum is an All Blacks
fan, and my dad is an All Blacks fan, so I'm an All Blacks fan too!" "Well,"
said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to
be an All Blacks fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the
time. What if your mum were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would
you be then?" "Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Wallabies fan."

Swoop

30th September 2010, 11:29

It was the first day of a school in the USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F*** the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008'.

crazyhorse

1st October 2010, 07:04

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said,
"Yes, I did He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,
"What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...."

He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
"Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

Swoop

1st October 2010, 07:11

I just bought a new race horse today and I decided to call it "MY FACE".
I don't care about it winning or even about the money, I just wanna see it
running down the home straight and all those posh women shouting, "COME
ON!", "COME ON MY FACE!"

avgas

1st October 2010, 07:58

I'd buy her a house.
Likewise - does that make us suckers?
Is nobility dead?

Are our dicks too powerful?

Hinny

1st October 2010, 09:02

Are our dicks too powerful?

Undoubtedly, indisputably, certainly, irrefutably, unarguably, incontestably, For sure Bro!

Swoop

1st October 2010, 11:15

I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'.
You probably saw our posters.

crazyhorse

1st October 2010, 16:11

Golf Panties....

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit

crazyhorse

2nd October 2010, 09:52

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts: "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies: "gold, silver and bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly: "Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."

Smifffy

2nd October 2010, 10:03

A friend of mine just started his own business, making land mines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well.
He says Prophets are going through the roof.

Swoop

3rd October 2010, 14:41

A man seeking to join the NZ Police force is being interviewed by a Sergeant in Invercargill.

The interviewer says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six Maoris on welfare, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a wood pigeon. "

"Why the wood pigeon?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

Banditbandit

4th October 2010, 08:59

A man had two of the best tickets for the Rugby World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him..

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Rugby Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the rugby world and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head..."No. They're all at the funeral."

Swoop

5th October 2010, 10:07

Don't you think it's about time that chess came into the 21st century and desegregated the blacks and whites?

Swoop

6th October 2010, 11:17

There's a new Barbie on the market. It comes with no shoes, no clothes, no make-up, no car, no food, no house, no farm and with Aids.

It's called Zimbarbie.

crazyhorse

6th October 2010, 16:35

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he
wakes one morning to find his penis covered with
bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this
before, orders some tests and tells the man to
return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the
doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've
contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and
almost unheard of here, we know very little
about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well,
give me a shot or something and fix me up,
Doc.' The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go
ahead, if you want but surgery is your only
choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and
proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware
disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already
know that but what can we do? My American doctor
wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
'Stupid American docttah, always want to
opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to
amputate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two
weeks. Faw off by itself!'

Banditbandit

7th October 2010, 07:59

Man said to wife; "Alright you sexy thing ... bedroom now."

She looked at him and said, "Ooh, you kinky bastard."

He said, "No, seriously, the rugby's about to start ... fuck off!”

DMNTD

7th October 2010, 08:01

A Muslim Has Been Shot In The Head, With A Starting Pistol,
Police Say Its Definitely Race Related.. :facepalm:

Swoop

8th October 2010, 06:50

If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?:scratch:

crazyhorse

8th October 2010, 07:12

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them
as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed
for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts,
shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs,

enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini
came walking straight towards them..
They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by. They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colour topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,

'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.

MSTRS

8th October 2010, 12:18

I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her. Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head... so I shot her.

Laava

10th October 2010, 12:16

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of

cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were

looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday,

I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes,

and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers;

cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

...................................
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day,

'I don't know how you can be so stupid

and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

Swoop

11th October 2010, 09:42

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me... a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began, 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car...

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days...

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the bolognese sauce I lovingly made for you last night, the sauce you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured it in moments...

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away...

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years but don't wear because you say they are too tight...

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because according to you, I don't have good taste...

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued, 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said...

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

MSTRS

12th October 2010, 08:20

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.

He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

Swoop

12th October 2010, 10:29

My friend asked to borrow some money after losing his job at the local hospital as a Stool Sample analyst.

Of course I couldn't let him down,
Not after all the shit he's been through...

Banditbandit

12th October 2010, 12:57

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win lottery'

'What's dat," says his mate.

'Send me lawn away to be cut'.

Banditbandit

12th October 2010, 14:37

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Rodney Hide becomes Prime Minister.

"You crafty little bastard!" said the fairy.

Swoop

13th October 2010, 10:09

Sean Connery came round my house to put some shelves up. They weren't level, so all my ornaments fell off.

He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I'm ashamed of my shelf"

one fast tl1ooo

13th October 2010, 19:40

Why New Zealand is in Trouble

The population of this country is 4 million

2 million are retired

That leaves 2 million to do the work

There are 1.5 million in school

Leaving 500,000 to do the work

Of these, 450,000 are "employed" by the government

So there's only 50,000 to do the work

4000 are in the armed forces, busy trying to catch Osama Bin-Laden

Which leaves just 46,600 to do the work

Take from that total the 10,000 unemployed people

Leaving just 36,600 left to do the work

At any given time there are 18,800 people in hospitals

Leaving 17,800 to do the work

Currently we have 17,798 people in prisons

That leaves just two people to do the work

You and me

And there you are

Sitting on your ass

At the computer, reading jokes

Nice..... Real nice.

one fast tl1ooo

13th October 2010, 19:48

I have to admit folks this one made me really laugh its just delightful !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The art of lying to the kids

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a root!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,

'How do you know that?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'!!!

Swoop

14th October 2010, 11:26

Gary Glitter is in Chile now.
The only place where you can slide a minor up and down your shaft and get applauded for it.

Swoop

14th October 2010, 14:19

After a long time trapped in terrible conditions and fearing no one cared at all, those brave souls will soon be home and their ordeal will be over... only one day left of the Commonwealth Games.

one fast tl1ooo

15th October 2010, 07:25

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,

Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.

The barman says,"You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it
.............................. Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin .

When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ........ Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round,

The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!

Tis me
................ I've Quit Drinking!"

Swoop

15th October 2010, 11:18

BBC News: Miners released after the longest duration of time trapped underground ever recorded.

Joseph Fritzl is said to be furious at his record being overlooked!

nadroj

15th October 2010, 16:00

On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by her family, when she suddenly realized she had
forgotten to purchase shoes for the day. She panicked.
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day.
Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Sophie's feet were in agony.
When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they roughly heard what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.
Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight."
"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. "Right. Now for the other one," followed by more grunting and straining, and at last Edward said "My God. That was even tighter."
"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

nadroj

15th October 2010, 16:06

After getting all of Pope Benedicts luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesnt travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
Excuse me, Your Holiness, says the driver, Would you please take your seat so we can leave?
Well, to tell you the truth, says the Pope, they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.
Im sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen? protests the driver, wishing hed never gone to work that morning..
Who's going to tell? says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)
Please slow down, Your Holiness! pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
Oh, dear God, Im going to lose my license -- and my job! moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
I need to talk to the Chief, he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that hes stopped a limo going 205 kph.
So bust him, says the Chief.
I don't think we want to do that, he's really important, said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, All the more reason!
No, I mean really important, said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, Who do you have there, the mayor?
Cop: Bigger.
Chief: A senator?
Cop: Bigger.
Chief: The Prime Minister?
Cop: Bigger.
Well, said the Chief, who is it?

Cop: I think its God!

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, What makes you think its God?

Cop: His chauffeur is the Pope!

nadroj

15th October 2010, 16:11

Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said "are you nuts? You're 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of air planes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.

MSTRS

16th October 2010, 08:30

There's a rumour about that Porirua NZ is planning a bid for the 2020 Olympics. The organisers of Porirua City's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY: The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Titahi Bay area), wearing the traditional tea cosy. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS: In previous Olympic games, Porirua competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT: Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

100 METRES HURDLES: As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.).

SHOOTING: A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securitas style wages delivery man.

BOXING: Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Lion Brown while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS: Competitors will be asked to break into the Mana College bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

MODERN PENTATHLON: Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

SWIMMING: Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over Paremata. The first three survivors back will decide the medals.

MENS 50KM WALK: Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Cannons Creek.

GYMNASTICS: Will now be held in Taylor Prestons meat works, and will include carcass vaulting and swinging from meat hooks.

RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS: All competitors will be graded on their ability to sway drunkenly to Metallica/Tupac.

RELAY: Involves four competitors removing an appliance of their choice from a house in Tawa and getting back to Waitangirua using at least four stolen cars.

DISCUS: Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a Holden and throw it to his mate the fastest.

one fast tl1ooo

16th October 2010, 10:56

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
And you just need to take it out on someone,
Don't take it out on someone you know,
Take it out on someone you don't know,
But you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
A phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying
'Hello..'

I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
To call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed
The last two digits.

After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an asshole!'
And hung up.

I wrote his number down
With the word 'asshole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,
When I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an asshole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
Calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?'

He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an asshole!'
And hung up.

One day I was at the store,
Getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW
Cut me off and pulled into the spot
I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled
That I'd been waiting for that spot, But the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
So I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,
Right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,
'Yes, it is.'

I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house
And the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked,
'What's your name?'

He said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,
'Yes?'

I said,
'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up,
And added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,
I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called asshole #1.

He said,
'Hello'

I said,
'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,
'Are you still there?'

I said,
'Yeah!'

He screamed,
'Stop calling me'

I said, < BR>'Make me.'

He asked,
'Who are you?'

I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,
'Asshole, I live at 34 oak tree Blvd., in Fairfax ,
A yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'
And hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said,
'Hello?'

I said,
'Hello, asshole,'

He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said,
'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass'

I answered,
'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I was on my way over to 34 oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax , to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in oak tree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.
&nbs p;
NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

crazyhorse

16th October 2010, 13:40

You're lost and alone in the middle of a vast forest.. All you have with you
is a soggy matchbox with a couple of broken matches left.

You have no food, no shelter and no hope of rescue. Who do you call?

The Pakistan cricket team. They fix matches!

Swoop

16th October 2010, 19:54

I asked my wife to give me a 'Chilean Miner'.

"Is that when I go to the bottom of your
shaft and stay until Christmas?" she asked

I confirmed this, but came sooner than expected.

Swoop

17th October 2010, 14:04

Chilean miner making love to his wife for first time since release:

Miner: 'Can we switch the lights off?' . . .
Wife: 'Of course honey' . . .

Miner: 'Can I have you from behind?' . . .
Wife: 'Anything you want my brave boy' . . .

Miner: 'Can I call you Pedro? . . . . . '

Swoop

18th October 2010, 11:22

Gillette. The best a man can get.
There's me thinking it was two hookers, some Jack Daniels and a bag of coke but no, you're right.
Slicing my face with your over-priced blades can't be equalled.

Stirts

20th October 2010, 11:22

A womans mind is only cleaner than a mans because.......She changes it more often.

Swoop

21st October 2010, 06:43

A very joyous week. A week where the whole world was watching a bunch of men trying to climb out of a hole they dug themselves... but enough about the labour party conference, let's talk about those Chilean miners.

MSTRS

21st October 2010, 10:42

A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."

A second little boy says,"Trees are definitely green."

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!"

Swoop

21st October 2010, 14:24

If a woman says she's wrong, is she still wrong?

tri boy

21st October 2010, 16:30

I know a girl who is in love with two bags.
She's bi satchel.

Swoop

22nd October 2010, 07:00

The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.

crazyhorse

22nd October 2010, 07:48

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I
saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

Stirts

22nd October 2010, 12:33

By far the best engine in the world is the 'fanny"..............it pulls anything, it takes any size piston, it is self lubricating, starts with
one finger & every 4 weeks does it's own oil change......... It's just a pity the engine management system is so fucking temperamental.

BoristheBiter

22nd October 2010, 13:18

DMNTD

22nd October 2010, 20:03

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about that raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a
pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase.The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh..'

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'

Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.

Wife: 'So, how much do you want?'

one fast tl1ooo

25th October 2010, 06:53

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.

Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.

Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.

Swoop

26th October 2010, 09:55

My wife was gang raped by a troupe of mime artists.

They performed unspeakable acts on her.

crazyhorse

26th October 2010, 12:30

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
>
>
>
> Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.
> Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and
> shivelling shot.
> At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters
> were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was
> called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had
> fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to
> the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
>
>
> Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
> Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She
> turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with
> six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy
> fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there
> would be a cucking falamity.
> At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
> suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said
> Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks,so dropping
> her slass glipper.
>
>
> The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door
> and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her
> leg and let off a fig bart.. "Who'sfust jarted?" asked the prandsome
> hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.
> When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper
> on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
> Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a
> knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge
> halls and
> a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted
> pucking ferfectly..
> Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince
> lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a
> follen swanny

crazyhorse

26th October 2010, 15:42

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, an American, a Kiwi and a Australian woman, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The American woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Kiwi woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Australian woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f**k*d?' The man broke into a big smile and said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

Swoop

27th October 2010, 07:03

Sliced bread.

The best thing since ripped up bread.

Bread Knives.

The best thing before sliced bread!

nudemetalz

27th October 2010, 12:19

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8...7..."

crazyhorse

27th October 2010, 18:53

man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when
another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever
in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was
allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement
Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get
airborne,when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said,
'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down,walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That
woman is in possession of marijuana,

I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her
when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again,the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to
its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a
note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it !' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a
moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat
and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure
out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the
Policeman, 'What's going on ?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

Swoop

28th October 2010, 07:00

I can't believe no-one has come up with a cure for anorexia yet. Surely it must be a piece of cake...

Swoop

28th October 2010, 09:41

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

"Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from
another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one
tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

Swoop

29th October 2010, 06:51

My computer has an intelligent speech recognition system.

When I farted onto the mic, it typed out 'France'.:woohoo:

Swoop

29th October 2010, 06:51

Dear The Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about global warming. Karma's a bitch,
yours sincerely, the Titanic.

MSTRS

29th October 2010, 10:15

Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up. I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock's broken and I'm wide awake. Not sure who won.

Swoop

29th October 2010, 13:56

I phoned the National drugs helpline earlier today.

Fucking useless they are, couldnt even tell me where the nearest dealer is.

crazyhorse

29th October 2010, 14:17

There are 4 questions. Don’t miss one.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions..

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.

Edbear

29th October 2010, 17:47

Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up. I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock's broken and I'm wide awake. Not sure who won.

"You must spread..."

Swoop

30th October 2010, 15:04

A stark naked, drunken Australian woman, jumped into a vacant taxi in down town New Delhi.

The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

“What's wrong with you mate, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?”

“I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you that would not be proper where I am coming from".

"Well if your not bloody staring at me mate, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?"

Do goths wear normal clothes on halloween?:scratch:

crazyhorse

3rd November 2010, 20:27

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m.

and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man relies,

“I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks,

“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies,

“My wife.”

Swoop

4th November 2010, 10:47

World War III. The U.S.A. have succeeded in building a fantastic computer that is able to solve any strategical or tactical problem. The military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine. They describe the situation to the computer and then ask it:
"Shall we attack? Shall we retreat?"
The computer computes for an hour and then comes up with the answer.
"Yes!"
The generals, rather stupefied, look at each other. Finally one of them asks the computer:
"Yes, what?"
After another fifteen minutes the computer replies:
"Yes, Sir!"

There is lot of obesity amongst Americans.

It seems they are suffering from "Ass-Burgers Syndrome".

Swoop

5th November 2010, 06:48

I've just published a book on DIY.

It's blank and comes with a free pen.

Stirts

5th November 2010, 08:53

The last person to enter parliament with honest intentions was Guy Fawkes.

slofox

6th November 2010, 13:26

The last person to enter parliament with honest intentions was Guy Fawkes.

"you must spread your"..errr I mean...Very well put on 5 Nov Stirts...:rofl:

crazyhorse

6th November 2010, 19:31

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment . And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

one fast tl1ooo

7th November 2010, 18:30

Aussie stockman’s honeymoon...

An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

one fast tl1ooo

7th November 2010, 18:50

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman.
He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman.
He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.
He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more...
He had a memory like a computer.
He remembered everybody's birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.
He could fix anything... Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out... But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.
He was the perfect man!
He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank.
He died.............................................. ................... I'm married to his widow"

Swoop

8th November 2010, 07:16

A man joined a Satanic cult and started praying to the dark one. Low and behold, Satan actually appeared with a big hammer in his hand and asked him to make 3 wishes.

"3 wishes? But I wanted 100"

"No, you can only have 3"

"But I want a 100"

"Do you want to ask your 3 wishes, or should I leave?"

So this guy agrees.
His first wish is "I want you to change this giant hammer into a small wooden stick"
And so it happens
His second wish is "I want you to stick this wooden stick up your arse"

No choice left, Satan pushes the stick up his arse with tears flowing down his cheeks. He roars, "ask your third wish"!

"I want you to grant me my remaining 97 wishes, or else I'm going to convert this stick back into the giant hammer...."

crazyhorse

8th November 2010, 08:52

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

The Doctor asks: "What happened?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"

The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick?"