Friday jokes

[Bikkie]

I was walking back
from the pub last
night when a copper
pulled up in his patrol
car and asked where I
was going.I said
'Well,I'm actually on
my way to attened a
lecture on the
problems of staying
out late in the pub,
consuming too much
alcohol and the
dangers it poses to
your general health."
The copper said,"Who
is giving this
lecture?"
I replied
"My fucking missus."

[Honest Andy]

https://youtu.be/vruEFPu-Gr8

[roogazza]

337608337610337611337612337613

[NordieBoy]

Good technique there.
337613

[Bikkie]

A small boy asks his Dad,"Daddy
what is politics?" Dad says,"Well son
let me try to explain it this way: I'm
the breadwinner of the family,so let's
call me capitalism.Your mum,she's
the administrator of the money,so
we'll call her the Goverment.We're
there to take care of your needs,so
we'll call you the people.The nanny
we'll consider her the working class.
And your baby brother,we'll call him
the Future.Now think about that and
see if that makes sense." So the little
boy goes off to bed thinking about
what Dad has said.Later that night,he
hears his baby brother crying,so he
gets up to check on him.He finds that
the baby has severely soiled his
nappy.The little boy goes to his
parents room and finds his mother
sound asleep.Not wanting to wake
her,he goes to the nanny's room,
finding the door locked,he peeks in
the keyhole and sees his father having
sex with the nanny.He gives up and
goes back to bed.The next morning
the little boy says to his father,"Dad I
think I understand the concept of
politics now." The father says,"Good
son,tell me in your own words what
you think politics is all about." The
little boy replies,"Well while
Capitlism is screwing the working
class,the Goverment is sound asleep,
the people are being ignored and the
Future is in Deep Shit.":2thumbsup

[Bikkie]

A lawyer married a woman who had
previously divorced ten husbands.On
their wedding night,she told her new
husband,"Please be gentle,I'm still a
virgin." "What?" said the puzzled
groom."How can that be if you've
been married ten times?" "Well,
Husband 1 was a sales
respresentative.He kept telling me how
great it was going to be.Husband 2
was in software services.He was never
really sure how it was supposed to
function,but he said he'd look into it
and get back to me.Husband 3 was
from field services.He said everything
checked out diagnostically,but he just
couldn't get the system up.Husband 4
was in telemarketing.Even though
he knew he had the order,he didn't
know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband 5 was an engineer.He
understood the basic process,but
wanted three years to research,
implement,and design a new
sate-of-the-art method.Husband 6
was from finance and administration.
He thought he knew how;but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or
not.Husband 7 was in marketing.
Although he had a nice product,he was
never sure how to position it.
Husband 8 was a psychologist.All he ever did
was talk about it.Husband 9 was a
gynecologist.All he did was look at it.
Husband 10 was a stamp collector.
All he ever did was...God I miss him!
But now that I've married you,I'm
really excited!" "Good" said the new
husband."But why?" "You're a
lawyer.This time I know I'm going to
get really screwed."

[roogazza]

337734337735337736337737337738

[Daffyd]

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It appeared that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat . . . And nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said,

"Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip shit.

[YellowDog]

Reliability issues now sorted :yes:

[roogazza]

338387338388338389338390

[roogazza]

Dave and his wife, Anne, were driving home one very cold night in Wisconsin, when Anne yells at him to stop the car.

Anne jumps out and picks up a little bundle that was laying in the road.

She brings it back to the car and it turns out it was a baby skunk. It was barely alive, but very cold.

Anne says, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

Dave says, "Okay, get in the car with it."

Anne asks, "Where shall I put it to keep it warm?

Dave says, "Put it between your legs. It ought to be nice and warm there."

Anne says, "But what about the smell?"

Dave says, "Just hold his little nose."

Dave is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

[YellowDog]

Save the whales :yes:

[husaberg]

https://www.thebeaverton.com/2018/06/trump-demands-his-staff-be-left-in-peace-to-eat-mexicans/

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/trump-demands-that-nfl-players-stand-during-russian-national-anthem

[roogazza]

338547338548338549338550338551

[seattle smitty]

Fella is driving around the big city in the evening, late for some event and desperately trying to find a parking space. He drives up one street and down the next, but there are no parking spots and no one is leaving. Finally he pulls up at a stop sign, throws his hands skyward, and pleads, "Lord, if you would just find me a parking space soon, I promise to cut back on my drinking and gambling and hanging out in bars, and I'll start going to church on Sunday mornings and be a good boy!!"

He then takes a right at the intersection, and immediately there's an empty parking space . . . and as he quickly pulls into it he says, "Oh, never mind, Lord, I just found one myself!!"

[YellowDog]

Some are waaay too sensitive :yes:

[Moi]

A bloke walks into a brothel and says, “I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?”

The madam replies, “$300 for the lot".

He says, “Wow, what do I get for that?”

She says, “A baggy green cap and a Wallabies T-shirt".

[roogazza]

: MISSING WIFE

Was in Kmart the other day, and accidentally bumped into a young man.



Me. “Sorry mate, wasn’t watching where I was going. Looking for my wife. She’s in here somewhere”

Young Man. “That’s OK, I’ve lost my wife in here too”



Me, “Oh, what’s your wife look like?”

Young man, “She’s tall, slim build, long blonde hair, big boobs, wearing bikini top and brief shorts. What does your wife look like?”



Me, “Don’t worry about her, I’ll help you find yours”

[Bikkie]

A priest kept chickens at
his village.One evening the
cock went missing.At the
church mass prayer
gathering,the priest asked,
"Who has a cock?" All
the men got up.' "No I
meant who has seen a
cock?"...All the women got
up."No,No,who has seen
a cock that isn't theirs?"...
Half the women got up."Oh,
for Heaven's sake,who has
seen my cock?"...All the
nuns got up...
( Technical Difference )

[roogazza]

338876338877338878

[YellowDog]

We've all worked at this firm before :shit:

[YellowDog]

Mexicans agree to pay for the wall:

[roogazza]

339126339127339128339129339130339131

[Laava]

Bad news for Dyslexics ...7th April your cocks go black!

[Bikkie]

10 Things That Sound Dirty On
Halloween But Aren't...

1: So...what'd you get in the sack?

2: Once you get under the sheet,start
moaning and groaning!!!

3: Just hop on that broomstick and ride it.

4: Those small suckers are gone in a few licks.

5: I got the best piece from that house.

6: Quit screwing around in the porch!!!

7: Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling...

8: It was so filled and heavy,I had to use TWO hands!!

9: They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.

10: I bobbed and bobbed but couldn't get my mouth around it.


Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex:

10: You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9: If you get tired,wait ten minutes and go back at it again.

8: The stranger you look,the easier it is to get some.

7: You don't have to compliment the person who gave it to you.

6: Person you are with doesn't fantasize you're someone else,you already are.

5: If you get a stomach ache,it won't last nine months.

4: If you wear leather and chains no
one thinks you're kinky.

3: Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2: Less guilt the next morning from
over indulging.

1: If you don't get what you want at one place you can always go next door to get more!


Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men:

1: :lol:Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

2: No matter what your mood is,pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.

3: One usually makes a better pie.

4: They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!

5: If you don't like the way he looks,you just carve up another face.

6: If he starts smelling up your place,you can just throw him out.

7: From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty,mush filled head to begin with.

8: A pumpkin is turned on ( lit-up ) only when you want him to be.

[Laava]

""..."'.zcnlsaeyuio

[Dadpole]

An interesting question:

https://www.kiwibiker.co.nz/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=339359&d=1541282610

[roogazza]

339360339361339362339363

[husaberg]

339382339373339376339375339374
Simons leak i found
339377

[YellowDog]

_____________________________________

[husaberg]

when i tried to google who the married female MP Jamie lee Ross was having an affair with I found this as part of the discussion a priceless piece of writing
https://www.reddit.com/r/newzealand/comments/9pghgn/national_mp_jamilee_ross_has_admitted_to_having/e81ni81

[YellowDog]

when i tried to google who the married female MP Jamie lee Ross was having an affair with I found this as part of the discussion a priceless piece of writing
https://www.reddit.com/r/newzealand/comments/9pghgn/national_mp_jamilee_ross_has_admitted_to_having/e81ni81

Always thought it was 'Crusher Botox Collins' that tuned into a 'ShagNasty' :crazy:

[YellowDog]

Just a matter of getting the order right.

[Big Dog]

Just a matter of getting the order right.Go for the ride first.
If the woman was worth staying for in the first place she'll still be there when you get back.

On the other hand if you start with the woman there may not be enough of the weekend left to squeeze in a ride.

[Dadpole]

Just a matter of getting the order right.

I can always spare 30 seconds before hitting the road. :weep:

[husaberg]

https://i.imgflip.com/2m9dso.gif (https://imgflip.com/gif/2m9dso)

[Laava]

I can always spare 30 seconds before hitting the road. :weep:
Same, 20sec for the "deed" and 10sec for pulling my pants back up!

[Big Dog]

I can always spare 30 seconds before hitting the road. :weep:Mate, looking like that she's not just getting one. Give here the full 90 second experience.

[Dadpole]

the full 90 second experience

Surely you jest? My dicky ticker would not last the distance...

[Big Dog]

Surely you jest? My dicky ticker would not last the distance...https://youtu.be/eusDdH5RaCk

[Swoop]

Go for the ride first.
If the woman was worth staying for in the first place she'll still be there when you get back.
And will have made a sammich for your return!

[YellowDog]

Good Luck @ Uni :yes:

[roogazza]

339612339613339614339615339616

[roogazza]

339677339678

[YellowDog]

https://pics.onsizzle.com/an-sammy-hagar-is-70-years-old-bill-clinton-is-29595096.png
________________________________________

[YellowDog]

A Christmas wish:

[SVboy]

What is the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your cock up your girlfriends ass.

[roogazza]

339883339884339885339886

[roogazza]

339971339972339973339974

[YellowDog]

Watch those fishing quota numbers ;)

[Banditbandit]

Three pregnant women are in a coffee shop talking about their pregnancies and children.

The redhead says "Well, I'm having a girl."

The brunette asks her has she been tested.

"No," replies the redhead, 'but when we do it I'm on top, I'm the dominant one - we've having a girl."

The brunette says "Well we always do it in the missionary position - so I guess I'm having a boy."

The blonde breaks down sobbing inconsolably.

The other two finally calm her down. "What's wrong?" asks the brunette.

The blonde sobs. "Oh no Oh no - I'm having puppies ... "

[Laava]

https://www.ducatiforum.co.uk/proxy.php?image=https%3A%2F%2Fscontent-mad1-1.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fv%2Ft1.0-9%2F50581398_2568747113152366_3016538420278198272_ n.jpg%3F_nc_cat%3D110%26_nc_ht%3Dscontent-mad1-1.xx%26oh%3Db4df62b5e35d5211cfb2d7eec9ccacfe%26oe% 3D5CCAAC68&hash=1a00bba8f48423ed84e884953b94dcce

[YellowDog]

Health & Safety at work:

[Bikkie]

A lawyer married a woman who had
previously divorced ten husbands.On
their wedding night,she told her new
husband."Please be gentle.I"m still a
virgin." "What?" said the puzzled
groom."How can that be if you've
been married ten times?" "Well,
Husband 1 was a sales
respresentative.He kept telling me how
great it was going to be.Husband 2
was in software services.He was never
really sure how it was supposed to
function,but he said he'd look into it
and get back to me.Husband 3 was
from field services.He said everything
checked out diagnostically,but he just
couldn't get the system up.Husband
4 was in telemarketing.Even though
he knew he had the order,he didn't
know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband 5 was an engineer.He
understood the basic process,but
wanted three years to research,
implement,and design a new
state-of-the-art method.Husaband 6
was from finance and administration.
He thought he knew how;but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or
not.Husband 7 was in marketing.
Although he had a nice,product,he was
never sure how to position it.
Husband 8 was a psychologist.All he ever did
was talk about it.Husband 9 was a
gynecologist.All he did was look at it.
Husband 10 was a stamp collector.
All re did was...God I miss him!
But now that I've married you I'm
really excited!" "Good" said the new
husband,"but why?" "You're a
lawyer.This time I know I'm going to
get really screwed."

[YellowDog]

Do you agree ?

[roogazza]

340981340982340983340984340985

[YellowDog]

Loud pipes :o

[Bikkie]

Circumcised ( This is priceless )
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the
back of the class was squirming around,
scratching his crotch,and not paying
attention.She went back to find out what
was going on.He was quite embarrassed
and whispered that he had just recently
been circumcised and was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the
principal's office.He was to telephone his
mother and ask her what he should do,
about it.He did this and returned to class.
Suddenly there was a commotion at the
back of the room.She went back to
investigate only to find him sitting at his
desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mum!"
she said."I did
" he said,"and she told me
that if I could stick it out until lunchtime,
she'd come and pick me up from school."

[Bikkie]

Circumcised ( This is priceless )
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the
back of the class was squirming around,
scratching his crotch,and not paying
attention.She went back to find out what
was going on.He was quite embarrassed
and whispered that he had just recently
been circumcised and was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the
principal's office.He was to telephone his
mother and ask her what he should do,
about it.He did this and returned to class.
Suddenly there was a commotion at the
back of the room.She went back to
investigate only to find him sitting at his
desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mum!"
she said."I did
" he said,"and she told me
that if I could stick it out until lunchtime,
she'd come and pick me up from school."

[YellowDog]

FFS ladies ……….

<a href="https://imgflip.com/i/2vj368"><img src="https://i.imgflip.com/2vj368.jpg" title="made at imgflip.com"/></a>

[husaberg]

https://i.pinimg.com/236x/b9/ba/16/b9ba160163917c5e949039d9cc73d3e1--videos-memes-funny-shit.jpghttps://i.pinimg.com/236x/18/94/11/189411dc660ede182f734128764fc0b6--funny-as-hell-funny-shit.jpghttps://i.pinimg.com/236x/93/3c/d2/933cd22d0387938f629aa535f189919f--funny-memes-funny-pics.jpghttps://i.pinimg.com/236x/c8/7a/9f/c87a9f5b80a4c612b47cf2f27f2839a3--my-girl-funny-pics.jpg

[Bikkie]

Stevie Wonder rings
Tiger Woods and says
"How do you fancy a
round of golf?" Tiger
says,"I didn't think
you would be able to
play Stevie" Stevie
explains how he has a
caddy put a device in
each hole that emits a
constant high pitched
tone he can tune an
earpiece in which
tells him the direction
and distance to it.
Tiger says."You have
to understand Stevie I
am a pro golfter it will
be too much of a
mismatch." Stevie
says,"Ok well tell you
what 1 million dollars
says I win or are you
chicken?" Tiger says,
"Ok done when do
you want to play?"
Stevie says,"Any night
this week."

[Reckless]

I was standing at the bike shed one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."


I went to the local chemist and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.
" Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin’"

[Bikkie]

ART FART =it's
such a beauty you
want to
immortalize it on
canvas.

ARROGANT FART=when
you think your farts
don't stink.

ASSUALT FART=A
sudden attack that
shoots virtual
flames out your
arse.

TIRE FART= you
can't control
the blow out.

BEER FARTS=Thesecome out of every
'can' and smell like
warm beer.

JAIL FART=Been
doing time inside
you for quite awhile,and
finally makes its
great escape.

DONKEY FART=Your
arse is the only one
that can do it.

GHOST FART=You can't
hear it,you can't see it,
and you can't smell it.

HOME ALONE FART=when
you're home alone
and a great one is
wasted on no one.

SHOE FART=when
you bend over yo
tie your shoe
laces and one
escapes.

TANK FART=when
you refer to your farts
as 'gas.'

OLD FART=You know
how old it is by
how bad it smells.

BRAIN FART=You
need to fart,but
nothing comes out.

ALZHEIMER FART=A
confused fart
that heads the
wrong way,and
becomes a burp.

NOT ME FART=When
you drop a bomb
in a crowded
elevator,turn
around to the
person behind you
and give a
disgusted look and
whisper "PIG"

UFO FART=When
someone farts
in a crowded
room,label it as
a "Unidentified
Foul Odour.

[roogazza]

341496341497341498341499341500

[Kemet]

341628
:wari::wari::wari::wari:

[Swoop]

It's been a bad year for homosexuals. Not only is Israel Folau sending them to Hell, but the Sultan of Brunei is making sure they get there quick!

[Swoop]

I've gone and confused the words ’Yakuza’ with ’Jacuzzi’ ...

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

[husaberg]

“I have 3 kids and no money, why I can’t I have no kids and 3 money.” -Homer Simpson

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

“When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.”

“The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.”

[Swoop]

You know a top artist by the fact he doesn't look at his instrument while playing it.

Stevie Wonder and Ron Jeremy, for example.

[Swoop]

I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.
That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.



Arnold Schwarzenegger at the age of seventy one is to star in a new Terminator film later this year, They have changed his catchphrase slightly though to,
"Ah, me back. "

[roogazza]

341932xxxxxxxx

[husaberg]

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

[Swoop]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice was heard yelling "I'm not dead! I'm not dead, let me out!"

It was at that moment that the priest leant forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters, "Too fucking late pal, I've already done the paperwork".

[Swoop]

“Man died on Everest, doing what he loved.”

Standing in a queue.





Vegans really are the Gold standard of self loathing .
They hate meat but are made from it.

So what happens if a vegan bites their own tongue eating a nut cutlet?

[Swoop]

So your anti abortion but also anti vax. Make up your mind. Do you want the kid dead or not?

[Swoop]

Current, weekly Top Tip: Convince people you are British heavyweight boxer by being knocked out by a fat pub doorman.

[Swoop]

The Allies chose 6/6 for D-Day so those Americans wouldn't get confused over the fucking date.

[Swoop]

America: 'Dang, we gone done elected us the stoopidest muthafucka on the planet! Yee-haw!'

England: 'Kindly hold my cup of Earl Grey, old chap, and observe...'

[slofox]

America: 'Dang, we gone done elected us the stoopidest muthafucka on the planet! Yee-haw!'

England: 'Kindly hold my cup of Earl Grey, old chap, and observe...'

Can't give any more green...but I did laugh

[husaberg]

The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.?

I?m on a whiskey diet?I?ve lost three days already.?

My ex girlfriend had this really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up like herself, and act like a fucking bitch all the time.?

[Swoop]

I told the missus I was going for a piss. I came back 40mins later and she asked me what the fuck I?d been up to. I told her I?d had a ?builder?s quote?.
When she asked me what the fuck?s that, I explained it was all about ?an intended task having an outcome far larger and more involved than originally planned?.

I also advised her to leave it for 10 or 15mins.

[husaberg]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170909/861153c7d03a35a6015ee2bef1c01fc9.jpg

[Swoop]

Why do laxatives have a best before date?.

If they go off, what's the worst that can happen?.

[YellowDog]

Just hope it's not too hairy :lol:

[YellowDog]

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied :lol:

[husaberg]

342260342261342262

[Dadpole]

.......... Reading fail. Carry on without me.

[Swoop]

I said to my fat wife, "you've actually managed to reduce your environmental footprint by 50 % last week!"

She was not happy though; she's still miserable after losing one of her legs to diabetes.

[Swoop]

I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me.
I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking.





My neighbour just walked past with two dogs.
I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs."
He replied, "They're not my dogs, they're my sisters."
I said, "Wow, your sisters are really fucking ugly."

[Swoop]

Me and my flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor today. The counsellor asked us; "What seems to be the problem?"
"Well," I said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic."

[Swoop]

Happy 7th of April to all our American members.

[husaberg]

https://www.thebeaverton.com/2019/06/sarah-sanders-looking-forward-to-spending-more-time-lying-to-her-family/

https://www.thebeaverton.com/2019/06/malnourished-toddler-relieved-to-hear-hes-not-technically-in-a-concentration-camp/

https://www.thebeaverton.com/2019/05/worst-american-pardons-fourth-worst-canadian/

https://www.thebeaverton.com/2019/05/trump-refuses-to-visit-canada-until-government-destroys-mccain-superfries/

[Swoop]

I gave my dog to customs & immigration as he had a nose for finding drugs like cannabis and cocaine.

I got a call today to say he had found 3 ounces of weed and 4 grams of coke on his 1st day but unfortunately had eaten the lot ...

I said "yes I know, that's why I got rid of the little bastard."

[husaberg]

342448342449

[Swoop]

As a Dentist, I only get paid for each prosthetic implant I complete.
Nothing Dentured, nothing gained.

[Swoop]

342493342494342495




The new horrendous ’challenge’ these idiotic millennials are doing is ’food licking’.

Opening containers of ice cream or other food products, in a shop, and licking them, then putting it back again.

I have a new challenge for them...

How about these arseholes try the raw chicken challenge?

[Swoop]

On the subject of genders, most of us have two sets of chromosomes xx if you're female xy if you are male .
However there are other variations.

There is Xyy syndrome and Klinefelter syndrome xxy, Trisomy or triple x syndrome, and even a case in australia of Tetrasomy where the child had 4 female chromosomes, they named her Castlemaine.

[Banditbandit]

A duck is standing beside the road waiting for a break in the traffic ..

A chicken comes up and says "Don't bother - you'll never hear the end of it."

[Reckless]

10 Chars

342538

[caseye]

10 Chars

342538

Riskster! hey ya baby!:facepalm:

[Swoop]

NASA have sent their congratulations to the Indian space agency, who are sending a payload to the lunar surface.
A spokesman for the Indian space agency said the module called "costcutter" will be a complete unit including, overpriced tinned goods, magazine stand, beer fridge and lottery terminal.

[roogazza]

342555342556342557

[YellowDog]

"In my defence officer, the man I crashed into was clearly distracted. He was smoking a cigarette, whilst using his mobile phone. When I got out of the car, he was overly abusive and I swear that there was a very strong smell of alcohol on his breath. I want him charged!"


"Madam, for your information none of those things are illegal, when being done in one's own home. I'm going to need you to accompany me to the Police station."

[Swoop]

I've put my Rottweiler on a vegan diet - and he fucking loves it!

So far, I've fed him three of the cunts.

[Swoop]

I read that apparently 1 in 10 young Germans believe Auschwitz is a type of beer.

I tried it once. It wasn't for me. Too gassy...

[Swoop]

Went to Countdown supermarket earlier, there was a sign on the door, ‘No food or drink allowed inside’... so I went home.

[Swoop]

I love women who want equality.

I especially like the look on their faces when you tell them you're not paying, after you've drunk champagne and eaten the most expensive meal on the menu.






I was chatting to a pretty blonde in the pub, "Would you sleep with me if I offered you two million pounds?"

She thought for a moment and said, "Yes, I suppose I would."

"How about for twenty quid?" I asked

"What kind of woman do you think I am?" she snarled.

"We've already established that," I replied, "now we're just haggling over the price."

[Dadpole]

Modern sex education... Even better if you recall his role in Narcos.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/t9y55k3875vtn72/Modern%20Sex%20Talk.mov?dl=0

[Swoop]

Why do Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

To beat the crowds.

[Swoop]

"Well Paddy, thanks for bringing your plate to the Antiques Roadshow... Unfortunately it's not Ming Dynasty as you'd hoped but, the good news is, it's Microwave and Dishwasher Safe."

[Laava]

https://www.ducatiforum.co.uk/attachments/bc4eb6fb-812f-4f34-bedb-b422d297646d-jpeg.166807/

[Swoop]

My nephew has been diagnosed with ADHD... Or "being a snot-nosed little cunt" as we called it in the 70s.

[Swoop]

”People who fabricate quotes by famous people are the lowest scum of the Earth arseholes to breath air on this fucking planet. Fucking cunts the lot of them” -Stephen Hawking.

[Swoop]

The Indian space agency has not received a response from the moon lander. Here's an idea. Contact it pretending to be from the benefits office, saying it is owed money. It'll soon respond.





I've decided to show my support for Vegans.
From now on, I'll only wear leather from cows fed on grass.

[Laava]

https://youtu.be/Pcws_iFudHg

[roogazza]

343260343261343262

[Swoop]

A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot and asks him what he sees. The patient says: “A man and woman making love.”

The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: “That’s also a man and woman making love.”

The psychoanalyst says: “You are obsessed with sex.”

The patient says: “What do you mean I’m obsessed? You’re the one with all the dirty pictures.”

[Laava]

Two old men, one Italian and one Greek, were arguing about history and the splendours of Athens and Rome.

The Greek man said "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian said "Yes, maybe, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man said "We invented Democracy!"

The Italian said "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and therefore created the Republic!"

The Greek man said "Yes, but we created beautiful architecture like the Parthenon!"

The Italian said "And we improved your building techniques, and used them to create aqueducts and structures that have stood for centuries longer!"

The Greek man, frustrated, finally said "Ah, and of course the Greeks INVENTED sex!"

The Italian man said "That may be true, but we introduced it to women."

[roogazza]

Subject: FW: Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die and, true to his word, he made the first contact.

"Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"

"Is that you, Frank?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course" I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona ."

[Swoop]

Paris Zoo unveils the 'blob', an organism with no brain and 720 sexes.

So, basically just a Labour voter.

[Swoop]

That interview with Prince Andrew was the second worst car crash that the royal family has organised...

[roogazza]

343707343708343709343710

[Swoop]

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

[Bikkie]

Thank fuck it's Black
Friday tomorrow,can't
wait to buy myself a
new slave.

[The Pastor]

kb thanks you for giving negative feedback.

[Swoop]

"Droids claim they were molested by George Lucas during filming for Star Wars"

#R2Me2

[YellowDog]

No recollection at all :shit:

[Honest Andy]

For any mechanics in the audience
(if there are any left...)

https://youtu.be/sMRp6KL7xig

[roogazza]

343822343821

[Swoop]

Women have eyes in the back of their heads.

Unless driving.

[Swoop]

NEWS FLASH!

An archaeological team, working on a dig in Pompeii, have found the house Keith Richards grew up in.

[Bikkie]

What do these words mean?

A little boy and his friends are being
called bastards and bitches by bullies at
school.The boy goes home and asks,
"Dad what are bastards and bitches?"
And his dad replies,"Bitches are ladies
and bastards are gentlemen." Then the
boy goes upstairs to see his mum.As
he enters the room he accidentally
drops a perfume bottle,and his mum
says "Shit!" "Mum what is shit?" and
she says,"Perfume." So he goes to see
his dad ( who is carving a chicken ). and
his dad cuts himself and yells,"Fuck!"
The boy asks,"Dad what does fuck
mean?"and dad says "Preparing."
Then he follows his dad upstairs.A few
minutes later his mum and dad are
about to have sex when his dad says,
"Where are the condoms?" The little
boy asks,"What are condoms?" and
his father says,"Condoms are coats
and jackets." The following night his
father invites over some important
busuness clients.The boy opens the
door for them and says,"Hello! please
come in,Bastards and bitches.Hang
your condoms up here,my mum is
upstairs rubbing shit on her face and
my dad is downstairs fucking the
chicken."

[roogazza]

344012344013344014344015

[Swoop]

I can't see why female linesman, umpires and referees could be any worse than the idiots we have now.

I mean, if there is something women are good at, it is pointing out mistakes made by men.

[FJRider]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.
OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly

[Swoop]

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.
If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.


Men with beards 50 years ago: “I'm going to the woods to chop down some trees.”
Men with beards today: “I'm going to the shops there's a new face mask that’s gluten-free.”


I said to a Policeman "If I called you a cunt would you arrest me?
The Policeman replied "Yes I would arrest you".
I said "What if I was just thinking you're a cunt"?
"There's not much I can do about that" he replied.
"Good" I said, "Because I think you're a cunt"!


Police have arrested a woman for stealing a sign reading; "& Emergency". She claimed she found it by Accident

[Bikkie]

Chinaman named Hooley Dooley
Have Aussie wife and love her truely
For years they long for little
fellow
But them not want his skin be
yellow
Go to Doctor to seek advice
He say he no help,this natures
vice
So watch tv while they sit
Find a way of doing it,
on the job without delay
sideways like the chinese way
Baby born amist great delight
Little fellow ajax white.
Doctor say that he don't know
How baby is as white as snow
Chinese daddy speak up now
He say tv show then how
Hooley Dooley he no fooley
He use Persil on his tooley
Rub some Harpic on the end
Keep him clean right around the
bend.
Wife also very canny
Put white Magic on her fanny.
Colgate for a final rinse
Give her ring of confidence.
Instant starch and Reckitts Blue
Soon have baby number two.

[Bikkie]

Three Football Fans

Three football fans were driving along
when they spied a body
in the undergrowth.
Stopping their car,the three
guys ran over to see what they
could do.
Unfortunately,they found the
nude body of a deceased young woman.
Being gentlemen,the first
guy dropped his spurs hat over
one breast.The second guy a
Liverpool fan,placed his hat
over the other breast.
The Manchester United fan then
placed his hat over the women's
private parts.
Soon the police arrived,the
copper started checking over
the body.He picked up
the spurs hat and quickly
placed it back.
He then picked up the Liverpool hat
and returned it.Then he picked
up the Man United fan hat,put
it down,then picked it up again inspecting
the hat more closely and then put
it down.Then he picked it up a
third time.By this time,the
Man United fan was a bit irritated
and he asked,"Why do you keep picking
up that hat? Are you some kind of
pervert or something?' The copper
responded with a wry smile,"Son,I
can't figure this one out.Usually
when I come across one of these
Man United hats there's an
arsehole under it."

[Swoop]

Fair play Harry you do what you need to do, it’s yours and your families lives . Don’t worry about what your dad thinks or Prince Charles for that matter.

[roogazza]

344186344187344188344189

[Swoop]

I'm giving up drinking for a month.




Sorry.
That came out wrong.
I'm giving up. Drinking for a month!

[Swoop]

Give Meghan this . . . no one has so successfully broken up such a powerful British group since Yoko Ono.





Meghan Markle throws a massive fit after discovering that Disney Princess movies are not instruction manuals on how to perform Royal duties.

[Swoop]

Am I the only one to realise that, if we all worked together to accelerate climate change, the melting polar ice caps would put out the bush fires in Australia?

[Swoop]

If modern society has taught us anything, it's that the less a person is qualified to have an opinion, the more likely they will express it.




Should I start a list of KB members who qualify for this?
...
...
...
...
...

[Swoop]

I've been a member of Les Mills for a good 10 years now but don't seem to be making any progress, so tomorrow i'm going in person to see what the fuck is going on!



Every fucker is having a pop at the Corona virus, which I think is a bit harsh. I know it's a crap lager, but it's not as bad as Fosters....


BBC News; Six patients being tested for suspected Corona-virus in UK.
All six must have Lyme disease too otherwise it’s pointless having it.

[Swoop]

*** BREAKING NEWS ***
Virologists' greatest fears may have been realised with the announcement that all 26 Coronavirus victims and all suspected cases have been reported in females.

Dr Ichicov of the Institute of Virology, Moscow said in a statement:
It appears that a very mild form of Man-Flu may have mutated sufficiently to allow it to be contracted by women"

[roogazza]

344380344381344382

[Swoop]

According to legend, when Ozzy Osborne was in Black Sabbath in the 70s he typically got through six bottles of brandy and a case of beer a day.

Parkinson's my arse, he's just started to finally sober up and his hangover's kicking in.

[Swoop]

A swedish psychologist has traced Greta Thunberg's problems back to a hot summers day ,
when her ice-cream melted.

[Bikkie]

After a tiring day,
a commuter settled
down in his seat
and closed his eyes.
As the train
rolled out of the
station,the
young woman
sitting next to
him pulled out
her phone and
started talking in
a loud voice."Hi
sweetheart.It's
sue.I'm on the
train." "Yes,I
know it's the
6.30 and not the
4.30,but I
had a long
meeting." "No,
honey,not with
that kevin from
the accounting
office.It was
with the boss."
"No sweetheart,
you're the only
one in my life."
"Yes,I'm sure,
cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes
later,she was
still talking
loudly.The man
sitting next to
her had enough,
so he leaned over
and said into the
phone....."Sue,hang
up the phone and
come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her
phone in public
any longer.

[roogazza]

344667344668344669

[Swoop]

I was explaining to mate that we don't use the word "handicap" any more because it's derogatory. We now use the word "disabilty".
"OK," he said. "What's your golf disability?"





I rang the bike shop and asked "do you have a headlamp?".
The chap asked "what is it for?".
I said "for riding at night, you dumb cunt".

[YellowDog]

Some oldies but goodies :)

[Bikkie]

A young man was
showing off his
new sports car to
his girlfriend.She
was thrilled at the
speed."If I do
200mph,will you
take of your
clothes?" he
asked."Yes!" said
his adventurous
girlfriend.And as
he gets up to 200,
she peeled off all
her clothes.Unable
to keep his eyes
on the road,the
car skidded onto
some gravel and
flipped over.The
naked girl was
thrown clear,but
he was jammed
beneath the
steering wheel.
"Go and get help!"
he cried."But I
can't.I'm naked
and my clothes
are gone!" "Take
my shoe," he said,
"and cover
yourself." Holding
the shoe over her
pubes,the girl ran
down the road and
found a service
station.Still
holding the shoe
between her legs,
she pleaded to the
service station
proprietor,"Please
help me!,My
boyfriends stuck!"
The proprietor
looked at the shoe
and said,"There's
nothing I can
do...he's in too
far."

[Swoop]

My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber's van parked in our drive.

Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.

[Bikkie]

A priest dies and
his spirit is in the
void when a
voice calls tp
him,"Well my
old son,you got
it wrong,karma
is the law of the
universe and you
need to go back
and learn your
lesson." "I
understand," said
the priest,"but
please, don't
send me back as
a priest,the
things I did I'm
really sorry for
and I will need to
learn restraint
and compassion."
"Oh,you don't
get off that easy,"
replied the
voice."You're
going back as a
choirboy.

[Naki Rat]

In a small American town, a band of squirrels had become quite a problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with them.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Methodist church tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy. They baptised all the squirrels and made them members of the church . Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

And not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

[Swoop]

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise with its members.

[ellipsis]

"We've shown that a bunch of ordinary Kiwis can stand up to one of the biggest oil companies in the world,"

...attributed to the fuckwit who climbed with another fuckwit onto the rig being motored up to Taranaki...


...this has got to be one of the funniest things I've heard in a long while...

[MaxPenguin]

"We've shown that a bunch of ordinary Kiwis can stand up to one of the biggest oil companies in the world,"

...attributed to the fuckwit who climbed with another fuckwit onto the rig being motored up to Taranaki...


...this has got to be one of the funniest things I've heard in a long while...

Good on them...

[ellipsis]

Good on them...

...for what?...

[MaxPenguin]

...for what?...

Protesting

[sidecar bob]

Protesting

No, fuck them. I actually like having access to oil & fuel, They probably do too.
Do you ride a bicycle everywhere, or would you just rather they got the oil from someone else's back yard?

[Bikkie]

Last time someone protested about an oil company was Lucy Lawless
climbing up a pole.Mind you i think she has slid up and down on a few poles? :)

[sidecar bob]

Last time someone protested about an oil company was Lucy Lawless
climbing up a pole.Mind you i think she has slid up and down on a few poles? :)

Anyone that protests about oil should have their driver's license revoked for life, so it makes it easier for them to practice what they preach.

[ellipsis]

Anyone that protests about oil should have their driver's license revoked for life, so it makes it easier for them to practice what they preach.

...and no uber or bus rides...or buying from outlets where road transport delivers the goods... ad infinitum...in fact they should all join a commune or go to Gloriavale, or fuck off to Papua or New Guinea and live like the locals...

[mashman]

NZ - May 5
UK - May 16

The day that each of those counties uses 1 years worth of sustainable resources. Given that that is calculated using the actuals of life i.e. 2019/2018/2017.....1970, the joke is just how fucking stupid people are who go on about claiming that they like this and that and then justify their behaviour by deriding those who point out that the evidence states, without question, that that behaviour is a massive contributing factor toward the social/economic/justice etc... issues that exist today, by pointing out the unavoidable hypocrisy of living in the world the way it is.

and they say critical thinking is dead :killingme...

[Ocean1]

Given that that is calculated

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

[TheDemonLord]

NZ - May 5
UK - May 16

The day that each of those counties uses 1 years worth of sustainable resources. Given that that is calculated using the actuals of life i.e. 2019/2018/2017.....1970, the joke is just how fucking stupid people are who go on about claiming that they like this and that and then justify their behaviour by deriding those who point out that the evidence states, without question, that that behaviour is a massive contributing factor toward the social/economic/justice etc... issues that exist today, by pointing out the unavoidable hypocrisy of living in the world the way it is.

and they say critical thinking is dead :killingme...

Have you removed yourself from the Economy yet?

No?

Keep on Hypocriting.

[mashman]

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

Agreed, it's still weigh out.

[MaxPenguin]

Hypocrite and admit it, you see some of us dinosaurs see a better future.

[mashman]

Hypocrite and admit it, you see some of us dinosaurs see a better future.

And therein lies the ultimate joke, that really should have been saved for Friday, but...

So does everyone else... in their subjective lunchtime.

[MaxPenguin]

And therein lies the ultimate joke, that really should have been saved for Friday, but...

So does everyone else... in their subjective lunchtime.

I don't get it......

[sidecar bob]

I don't get it......

Nobody does.
He's talking rubbish again, in the vain hope that folk will think he's smarter and better informed than them.

[mashman]

I don't get it......

Everyone else sees a better future... that the future they see is mathematically impossible is of no importance, but they still see a better future.


Nobody does.
He's talking rubbish again, in the vain hope that folk will think he's smarter and better informed than them.

:killingme... well you guys don't set the bar very high, and if that sees me as looking as though I'm smarter or better informed than you guys, then it might just be because I Am smarter and better informed than you given that I looked and the extent of your knowledge, admitted by yourself is, "I don't give a fuck!". Sometimes bob you're just as dumb as they say.

[sidecar bob]

Everyone else sees a better future... that the future they see is mathematically impossible is of no importance, but they still see a better future.



:killingme... well you guys don't set the bar very high, and if that sees me as looking as though I'm smarter or better informed than you guys, then it might just be because I Am smarter and better informed than you given that I looked and the extent of your knowledge, admitted by yourself is, "I don't give a fuck!". Sometimes bob you're just as dumb as they say.

Yep, you're way smarter than me, that's why I bought your non running Aprilia for 3/5 of what it was worth, got it fixed in five minutes & made a healthy profit on it, all without ever seeing it.
And you hadn't worked any of that out for yourself.

[MaxPenguin]

Everyone else sees a better future... that the future they see is mathematically impossible is of no importance, but they still see a better future.


.

Way to go with the encouragement........Maybe you should start a political party. The give up now there is no hope party.

[mashman]

Yep, you're way smarter than me, that's why I bought your non running Aprilia for 3/5 of what it was worth, got it fixed in five minutes & made a healthy profit on it, all without ever seeing it.
And you hadn't worked any of that out for yourself.

Why would I care? I got what I needed to get. It was then entirely up to whoever to do with the bike as they chose. I hope it was enjoyed all the more you knowing that you think that you outsmarted someone who set the price for his bike in the full knowledge that he could have gotten more but had settled to get it moved knowing what the problem was and how easy it would be to fix :killingme... Yeah, you really got me there again bob :killingme... but yeah, you outsmarted me by not telling me that you were funding the purchase because you thought that I would object....... F U C K I N G P R I C E L E S S :killingme..........


Way to go with the encouragement........Maybe you should start a political party. The give up now there is no hope party.

It was a statement of fact, not a personal manifesto.

[Swoop]

Research has shown that to make corona victims better you just twist their heads off and shove a slice of lime down their throat.

[ellipsis]

...I posted, what I thought was a good Friday joke...I didn't mean to hi-jack a joke thread...but I seemed to have done that...that's funny in itself...any how a couple of eco-worriers, or should I rephrase that for clarity, a couple of egotistically driven, greenie, lefty, liberal wank warriors, led by a 15 year old, Christchurch, schoolchild, activist who thinks Greta's idea of a day off school is cool...to become a tweetfukwankbook-e-greenhero@dayoff school...

...but it really is a a hard old green bit of cold, dangerous, damp shit out there...clinging to an anchor chain, on a big bit of cold steel...in the Cook Strait of all places...and then the crew hooked their bivouac onto the deck and... Oh Fuck, we can only live on this anchor chain now...I'm really glad my foot fits in that big bit of chain...oh, it's cold here...where are the helicopters with the news crews...I'm going to fall off soon...I should have thought this through a little more...

...the nice crew pulled them on deck not long after they arrived by anchor chain, fed them, warmed them, showered them, checked their vital signs...

...and then the kiwi taxpayer probably paid some big money to have the grossly inept, braincell lacking, cunts, transported to terra firma to probably a hero's welcome at the local, 'we are so Vegan, we don't even lick our lips', hangout, to be feted by a similar conglomerate of brain dead greenie wanks who drove there in a shit spewing 25 year old jappy wreck, 'cos on the bludge it's hard to have a cool SUV, had sushi on the way and probably a coffee too, and had a smoke or a toot, or made plans of drinking wine later in the evening with their mates to discuss their next big change the world coup and how big their placards should be...

...a serious lack of thinking and fuckwitism going on here...hypocrisy is just standard human shit...shall I go left or right...

...whose got a proper joke?...

[MaxPenguin]

Oldy but a goody.


What do you call fiveJapanese people, one Chinese person and three African Americans on your front lawn?

A sprinkler.





Nip nip nip nip nip, chink, nigger nigger nigger.

[YellowDog]

Another one in the WRONG THREAD.

This one should be in 'Optimistic Sellers'

[jellywrestler]

how big their placards should be...

. painted with oil base paints...
have you ever wondered who makes up the placards when signwriters go on strike?

[Viking01]

I was in a store today when two people walked in wearing face masks.

Everybody freaked out.

Then they yelled "This is a robbery !", and we all breathed a sigh of relief.

[Swoop]

Donald Trump is downplaying the severity of the Coronavirus outbreak and I think I can see why. With a death rate of under 5%, you're more likely to die testifying against the Clintons.



Also, wouldn't it be interesting if the cure for coronavirus turns out to be pork-based?

[Swoop]

My friend phoned his boss today and said "due to the coronavirus outbreak I want to self isolate and work from home" his boss said" fuck off you are a bricklayer get your arse in here now!"

[husaberg]

Trump seems ti think vitamin C s the answer

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jo_pknETLyY

[Swoop]

The World Health Organisation has stated that animals can't get Corona virus and that all dogs in quarantine should be released. WHO let the dogs out!

[Swoop]

Prince Harry will soon retire from public life , he said "that the call of duty was not for him"

Maybe he should try resident evil 2, that's fucking awesome.

[Swoop]

I keep fantasising that I'm Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and occasionally, Bing Crosby.

Think I've got crooner virus.

[Honest Andy]

https://youtu.be/uWWV_84yPIU

:killingme:killingme:killingme:killingme:killingme

[Honest Andy]

***Advertisement***

TOILET PAPER
24 pack Countdown brand
Very good condition
Inspection welcome
Only used on one side

Looking to swap for 3 bedroom house....

[Swoop]

China have got what they have always wanted.
To CORONISE the world!!!

[Swoop]

France says it is at war and the best way to fight that war is by staying at home - so it seems that they have just dusted off the strategy from 1939 then.

[Swoop]

Kudos to that muslim suicide bomber working from home.

[YellowDog]

_______________________________________
https://starecat.com/content/wp-content/uploads/borat-congrats-to-the-corona-virus-for-being-the-first-thing-made-in-china-to-last-longer-than-a-month.jpg

[Swoop]

Top Tip: Shop for food at an off-peak time.

Such as a month ago.

[Swoop]

Single woman with hand sanitizer would like to meet a single man with toilet rolls for good clean fun.

[Swoop]

I'm now jobless, sat on my arse doing nothing all day, and recieving 'free' money from the government...

So this is what it's like being a Labour voter!

[pete376403]

I'm now jobless, sat on my arse doing nothing all day, and recieving 'free' money from the government...

So this is what it's like being a Labour voter!


Could be worse - jobless, sitting on your arse doing nothing all day, not getting any free money from the government - being a National voter

[mashman]

Change restaurant name for bike brands and that'll be KB in about 2 weeks ;)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1b51oqbpnM

[Swoop]

The year is 2040 and a lonely Keith Richards sparks up another joint on an empty planet wondering where the fuck everybody went.

[slofox]

The year is 2040 and a lonely Keith Richards sparks up another joint on an empty planet wondering where the fuck everybody went.

I like that! (can't rep you again)

[Swoop]

Apparently, gluten allergies don't exist during food shortages.

[slofox]

Apparently, gluten allergies don't exist during food shortages.

Funny that!

Notice that all the panic buyers were quite happy to rub shoulders with their competitors in the supermarket on Wednesday. Thursday they all freak out if you come within 20 feet...I didn't realise that the virus wasn't turned on until midnight Wednesday...:wacko:

[Swoop]

Yesterday, the French authorities deployed the military to supermarkets, in order to keep them secure and ensure social distancing is being respected.
However, after one old lady coughed, the armed forces have capitulated and are now negotiating terms of surrender with the shoppers.

[Swoop]

Breaking news..

Trump's border wall held firm today as millions of illegal immigrants clamber to seek refuge and a better life back in Mexico.

[Bikkie]

A group of kindergartners were
trying to become accusttomed to
the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they
faced was that the teacher
insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use big people
words." She'd always remind
them.She asked Chris
what he had done over
the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana." "No,
you went to visit your
GRANDMOTHER,use big people
words."
She then asked Mitchell what he
had done."I took a ride on
a choo-choo." She said,"No
you took a ride on a TRAIN.Use
big people words."
She then asked Bobby what he
had done."I read a book."
he replied,"That's WONDERFUL!"
the teacher said.
"What book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it,then
puffed out his little chest
with great pride and said,
Winnie the shit."

[Swoop]

This government and the cops are contradicting themselves with "social distancing"... Do the police want bank robbers to wear masks and gloves, or not?

[Swoop]

They're really taking this coronavirus crackdown seriously in West Auckland.

I've just been stopped at a roadblock with armed police!

One of them pointed a gun at me and shouted, "come out with your hands sanitized!"

[sidecar bob]

Thought this was the most appropriate thread.
https://www.tvnz.co.nz/one-news/new-zealand/non-residents-trying-get-into-parts-northland-tomorrow-afternoon-blocked-iwi

[Honest Andy]

Thought this was the most appropriate thread.
https://www.tvnz.co.nz/one-news/new-zealand/non-residents-trying-get-into-parts-northland-tomorrow-afternoon-blocked-iwi

Nah good on them. Apparently they've turned quite a few people around, mostly tourists trying to move in the dead of night. I feel a bit sorry for the tourists but fuck 'em, gotta keep the lockdown short so I can get back to work!

[sidecar bob]

Nah good on them. Apparently they've turned quite a few people around, mostly tourists trying to move in the dead of night. I feel a bit sorry for the tourists but fuck 'em, gotta keep the lockdown short so I can get back to work!

Would agree, if it didn't just show on the news a bloody traffic jam of locals in Kaitia going about their usual business.
Fuckin hypocrites.
https://www.stuff.co.nz/national/health/coronavirus/120746934/coronavirus-dr-lance-osullivan-says-lockdown-in-kaitaia-a-joke

[Reckless]

Would agree, if it didn't just show on the news a bloody traffic jam of locals in Kaitia going about their usual business.
Fuckin hypocrites.
https://www.stuff.co.nz/national/health/coronavirus/120746934/coronavirus-dr-lance-osullivan-says-lockdown-in-kaitaia-a-joke

This to mate time to start getting hard-arse I reckon.
25 staying there and 60 at the party means the whole damn lot should have been charged.
What did they get "police spokesperson said They had spoken to the hostel's occupants about the current lockdown requirements",,,,,,,,
So they got nothing but a talking to? FFS

https://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=12320744&utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=nzh_fb&fbclid=IwAR1epbn06cYjcaaUyJ0aPp98_LPgk43yhQ668wZHg 7GHAg5pJA--U2rvJIo

Better post a joke aye or Ill get infracted.
345109

[Swoop]

At this current time, apparently dressing up completely as the Grim Reaper and going and standing in close proximity to older people at the supermarket is considered "Massively insensitive."

[slofox]

At this current time, apparently dressing up completely as the Grim Reaper and going and standing in close proximity to older people at the supermarket is considered "Massively insensitive."

No sense of humour, eh?

[Swoop]

New Deluxe, never used, 2020 planner - 50c.

[Swoop]

So I got following this fit bird out jogging..

Imagine tall pretty blonde, nice bobbling boobs and you could make out her sweating G-string under her tight body hugging joggers.

You could tell after a while she was aware of my attention, speeding more and more, but I managed to keep at least 5 metres away, just so it wasn't too obvious, besides, I was enjoying the view.

Eventually a police car stopped me in my tracks...

"What have I done wrong?" I protested. "I kept my social distancing!"

"Sir, you're holding up the rest of the traffic with your lorry."

[Swoop]

The only way the Coronavirus will die is if it has dirt on the Clintons.

[Swoop]

Britain has reached out to the world for their expertise in fighting this virus:

The Americans have offered to help with ventilators.
The Chinese have offered to help with lockdown advice.
The Italians have offered help with how the virus spreads.
The French have offered help on how run away from it.
The Germans have offered help on cremating the bodies.

[Swoop]

At least one group of people are celebrating this coronavirus and the lockdown this Easter.

Altar boys!

[Swoop]

Bagpipes are the only musical instrument that when you learn to play them properly, sound exactly the same as when you started.

[Swoop]

Headlines:

'Bono helps Ireland's search for medical supplies'

Is that wise? The cunt's not got a great record of finding what he's looking for...

[Bikkie]

Car Mechanics
stock phrases And
What They Really Mean.

"Tss,it's a long
job"="I'm going to
screw you over labour costs."

"I'm afraid we can't fit
in until 2 weeks on
Tuesday"="I don't want to
do this job because it
won't make me any money."

"I'm ever so sorry,but
the part is out of
stock"="We forgot about it
until you phoned just now."

"As a rough estimate,I'd
say about $250"="$650
at least when you get the bill."

"I'll give you a ring when the
job is done."="The fuck I will,
you'll have to phone me for
the next 2 days."

[Swoop]

"Why we need women’s leadership in the COVID-19 response"

Spot on.

During the times like these, we need to maintain high standards of hygiene and listen to the people who know about cleaning.

[Swoop]

Let's see:

I'm at home.

I waste hours on the internet.

I binge watch TV.

I have food delivered.

Fuck me -- I've become a Millennial.

[Swoop]

All these religious cunts that claim Covid 19 is a plague sent by god to punish us for Homosexuality, and have now tested positive themselves.

Although I wish them well, it's a fucking convoluted way for them to come out of the closet.




I've wondered about Julian Assange recently. After years of isolation, then being locked down by the police, how ironic would it be if he was released today... only to be locked down again?

[Swoop]

Reports that "North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is seriously ill after heart surgery are not true", officials in North Korea have said.

Rumours that Kim Jong Un is "gravely ill, in a coma and possibly brain dead" are impossible to verify.

If true it's hoped that peace talks with President Trump can continue on an Intellectual level playing field.

[Bikkie]

Captain Tom Moore's only
his stage name.
Hjs real name is
Thomas Zimmerman.



The radio played
Captain Tom and
Michael ball performing
"You'll Never Walk Alone"
and I imagine that people
who have been been stuck
on their settees on
locldown,or even wheelchair
bound,were inspired to get
up and walk.
Just enough to switch the
fucking racket off.



Dear Diary,my
close friends asked
me to go camping
today.
So I made a list of
things I'll need...1 )
New friends.



I was approached
by an old slag in
Wellington,"Would
you like to fuck
me for$20?" she asked.
"Why not," I said,"I
could do with the
money.



Shaving off your
pubes with a
cut-throat razor
shows that you're
got balls.



Thanks to GPS
nobody cares how
street smart you
are now.


A mate of mine
made a small
fortune seling
selfie sticks to
schoolgirls.
Or as most people
call them,vibrators.

[Swoop]

I'm a self-made millionaire... I bought the Lottery ticket myself!




Not all fat people are jolly. Some are feminists.

[roogazza]

Nearing retirement, and looking forward to it?

I was rung up by the doctor's surgery today. The nurse said

"We've got the results of your blood tests back and we are quite concerned, to be honest I was surprised you are still here to answer the phone"

I know the feeling, I surprise myself every time I mange to wake up in the morning.

"Your blood pressure and your cholesterol levels are way up, and your weight is far to much for a person of your height"

No probs, I always wear high heels when I'm out to reduce the height weight ratio.

"We need you to come in so we can sort out some medication for you"

Nah, don't bother, I'm fine as I am

"But you don't understand, you are on the verge of diabetes and heart disease"

Ive tried that cholesterol medicine before, I'd rather have the cholesterol.

"Well at least do something to improve your diet and your exercise"

They are fine, I have a balanced diet and get as much exercise as I need

"How is your diet balanced?"

The amount of stuff I eat in a week would just about balance me if it was on one side of the seesaw and I was on the other

"No! what sort of stuff do you eat"

Aw, bacon, eggs, buttered toast, hot dogs, hamburgers, chips, pizzas

"Oh No!. Do you snack between meals too"

Those are snacks!

"What about exercise, do you do any?"

Aw, yep sit ups, I do about 350 of them

"Well thats better is that a day?"

No! A Year, I sit up in the morning and lie down at night

"That won't do, do you at least do some walking?"

Of course I do, do you think the bed, toilet shower and stove are all in the same room

"Do you realise you are headed for an early grave"

NO, Im getting cremated

"I mean you are reducing your life expectancy by years"

Those are the last years, they are crappy years anyway

"But what about your family, what about your wife, how will she carry on when you are gone"

I don't care, so long as she behaves while I'm here

"Don't you want to enjoy retirement in your old age"

Not particularly, cost of living is racing up with the minimum wage, taxes are going up to pay for all the huge spending the govt is doing, petrol is getting taxed to hell. the govt is talking about reducing pensions and interfering with Kiwi Saver so they can pay more money to those who have never worked or saved. Life on the pension is no bed of roses now and it's going to get worse.
Property taxes, rates and house maintenance costs going up, I'll have to eventually sell up and buy a caravan and with the road toll increasing that means more risk to life on the roads.
If I visit the doctor I get suggestions to go for blood tests, X rays, prostrate tests which invariably lead to expensive drugs and advice on what enjoyable things not to do so I can prolong being unhappy.
Eventually its into an old folks home which have a worse reputation for looking after occupants than the prisons.
I have no wish to prolong my old age misery any longer than it takes. Id' rather enjoy a short time than endure a long time.

"Well if that's your preference there is nothing we can do about it. we'll send you a bill for $65 for the consultation"

[Swoop]

I cleaned my helmet with rubbing alcohol and I’m pretty sure there was a 10 min window where I shouldn’t have legally been riding.

[Bikkie]

A couple had
decided to use
calculator as a
codeword for
intercourse.
The man told
his son to ask
Mummy for the
calculator.
He comes back
and tells him that
she'd said she'll
get it soon.
An hour later the
man asks his son
the some thing
again and he
returns wth the
response.
An hour later the
woman shouts,"I've
found the calculator."
The man shouts back,
"Fuck it,I've worked
it out by hand."

[Swoop]

Has anyone lost $2,000 wrapped in elastic bands?

I've found your elastic bands.

[husaberg]

<iframe src="//coub.com/embed/2bcl8l?muted=false&autostart=false&originalSize=false&startWithHD=false" allowfullscreen frameborder="0" width="480" height="480" allow="autoplay"></iframe><iframe src="//coub.com/embed/16gkua?muted=false&autostart=false&originalSize=false&startWithHD=false" allowfullscreen frameborder="0" width="640" height="358" allow="autoplay"></iframe>

[Stirts]

A year ago today, a genie gave me a choice of two wishes. I could have a ten inch penis. Or I could become the most intelligent person in the world.
I had 24 hours to decide which one was betterer.

[roogazza]

The Greek and the Irishman with a History Lesson

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”

“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”

“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality:“Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”

True but it was the Irish who got women involved..

[Swoop]

I often refer to the missus as my Trophy Wife.
She's not good looking or anything, she's just got really massive ears.

[Swoop]

I honestly don't know how devout Muslims can follow all the rules of the Qur'an.

The one in our local dairy can't even follow the rule of 'Multi-pack: not to be sold separately.'

[Swoop]

The World Health Organisation has said that covid19 will be around for years and will have to be managed, just like HIV.

I managed HIV by not putting my cock in someone's arse. Not sure this will be as easy.




Just guessing it will be very challenging for katman though...

[Swoop]

The doctor approached me in the hospital maternity waiting room,

"I have some bad news Sir, please sit down. "

"Oh no, " I replied, "please tell me the baby's ok doctor. "

"Well sort of, " he answered, "but if I were you, I'd buy a pinball machine and call him Tommy. "

[husaberg]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=5&v=Qg0pO9VG1J8&feature=emb_logo

[Swoop]

I think I'll ask my dad if that offer to slap me into next year is still available.

[Swoop]

NASA: First person on Mars could be a woman.

So when the men arrive, dinner will be ready.

[YellowDog]

COVID-19
Now the lockdown has been lifted, there's a gang going through our town systematically shoplifting clothes in size order.

Police believe they are still at LARGE :o

[roogazza]

346008346009346010

[Bikkie]

A guy settles into
first class on a plane
waiting to take off.
An Entourage of Cardinals
and Bishops get on the
plane with the pope.
The pope takes a seat
beside the guy and pulls
out a crossword puzzle
he starts working on it.
The guy is thinking wow
am I ever lucky to be
sitting by the pope,maybe
he'll get stuck on a word
and I can give him a hand.
Sure enough the pope starts
scraching his head and looks
up at him and asks,"Do you
know a 4 letter word that
ends with UNT and it describes
a cetain type of woman?"
After a few seconds the guy
ansewrs,"...aunt."
The pope smiles and thanks
him,looks down at the puzzle
and back up again..."You don't
happen to have an eraser on
you do you?"

[Bikkie]

Leroy got a job delivering
Cadbury Cream Eggs.
He was so excited that he
oversped and lost control
of the van on a curve.
The van plunged into a
feild,eggs spreading all
around,Leroy was thrown
out and knocked unconscious.
Soon a car arrived on the
scene.
The driver ran to the field
and started to stomp the
eggs frantically.
"Quick! come help me!",he
shouted to onlookers.
"One of them has already
hatched!"

[roogazza]

346025xxxxxxxxx