Friday jokes [Archive] - Page 4

crazyhorse

20th April 2011, 20:32

Magic Penis

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.

He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied
for so many weeks, except... the Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly
with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.

Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.

After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said
'Magic Penis, my vagina.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.

Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my arse...!!!!!!!!!!'

The rest, as they say, is history...

Swoop

21st April 2011, 11:13

BBC News: "Nasa scientists find that drugs lose effectiveness in space".

I reckon if you find yourself in space, you've had enough already.

MSTRS

22nd April 2011, 11:15

At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank... they let three goats loose inside the school. But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4. School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.

FJRider

22nd April 2011, 11:34

Six Truths in Life

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility due to the tendons within your neck .

2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.

3. And discover #1 is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face .

I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company. You now have 3 options... ignore it, or pass it along ... to put a smile on someone else's face today.

Swoop

22nd April 2011, 13:22

How many racists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just sit there and complain about the dark.

FJRider

22nd April 2011, 15:32

I'm addicted to brake fluid ... but I can stop anytime ...

DMNTD

24th April 2011, 09:02

Sitting in a bar a Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.
The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,he'll buy the fifth drink." *

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion,
the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the
moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all
the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll
take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman
swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to
me sister quite a few times."

Swoop

27th April 2011, 15:03

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the maths, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs.

The tallest ones, anyway.

Goblin

27th April 2011, 15:12

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .....

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

DMNTD

28th April 2011, 07:06

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.

I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...

but she did.

YellowDog

28th April 2011, 21:28

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7
blokes then dropped the mike on his foot and said "Fuck me".
What happened next will haunt me forever..

FJRider

28th April 2011, 21:41

I was at the cash point machine the other night ... a little old lady asked me to check her balance ... so I pushed her over ...

YellowDog

28th April 2011, 21:55

I'm going to KFC for the Julia Gillard Meal deal tonight
2 small breasts, 2 large thighs, and a big red box.

Swoop

29th April 2011, 09:38

I can't wait to see what Camilla will be wearing for the Royal Wedding.

My money's on a saddle!

Swoop

29th April 2011, 11:10

Kate Middleton didn't want a horse drawn carriage for the Royal Wedding.
Prince Philip, however, insisted that Camilla be involved.

So the royal wedding is happening on the same day that Hitler married Eva Braun in 1945.
Good to see those Germans keeping up traditions.

Police have been drafted in from Scotland for the royal wedding.
They need security to be extra tight.

Prince Harry won't be at tomorrow's wedding.
Apparently it's family only.

Lets be honest, the Royal tiara isn't the only white thing that will be in Kate's hair on Friday...

By this time tomorrow Kate will know the real meaning of the phrase 'Right royal pain in the arse'...

The BBC news reporters have great spots for tomorrow's event. Positioned at a distance just close enough to get great visual live coverage whilst remaining just outside the blast-radius.

crazyhorse

29th April 2011, 16:21

God created Husbands

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.

And then he made the earth round.

That God - he's such a joker.

FJRider

29th April 2011, 19:18

My neice wants a spider for pet her birthday ... So I went to the local pet shop ... :blink: :facepalm: :gob:

$ 70 ... :sick:

Fuck that I thought ... I could get a cheaper one off the web ... :innocent:

FJRider

29th April 2011, 19:26

According to statistics ... one in seven dwarves ... is Grumpy ...

tigertim20

29th April 2011, 19:59

According to statistics ... one in seven dwarves ... is Grumpy ...

so 6 out of 7 short people are happy?

FJRider

29th April 2011, 20:11

so 6 out of 7 short people are happy?

No .. the stat's I saw ... only one is Happy .... are YOU Dopey ??? :innocent:

tigertim20

29th April 2011, 20:53

nope, horny, I got left out of the story for PC reasons

Swoop

30th April 2011, 06:57

Anyone else wonder if the Queen ever props her quilt cover up to her neck whilst in bed and says "Look Philip, I'm a stamp!"?

Prince Charles must have upset the Mafia. He wakes up every morning with a horse's head on his pillow.

It's thought that Kate and William may go for a horse drawn carriage on their wedding day. This has created fears that the large crowd may send the horse crazy. This, however, wouldn't be the first time a crazy horsed-faced nag has ruined a Royal Marriage...

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie" As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have another look at that dog".

So, it was the Queen and Prince Phillip's 60th wedding anniversary not so long ago. Imagine that, a German woman married to a Greek for 60 years.

She must have an arse like a broken catflap.

Smifffy

30th April 2011, 17:27

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling."

The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?"

The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

FJRider

30th April 2011, 21:58

I was driving to work this morning ... saw an AA van parked up ..... The driver was crying uncontrollably ... I thought ... THIS guy is headed for a breakdown ...

FJRider

1st May 2011, 15:16

I start a new job in Seoul next month ... I thought it might be a good Korea move ...

Swoop

2nd May 2011, 08:03

Pippa Middleton's arse is like a JK Rowling book.

You know Harry's going to be in it.:yes:

Swoop

3rd May 2011, 10:47

Saturday Morning - Prince William and wife postpone honeymoon and fly off on helicopter. The Couple have asked that their privacy be respected during the coming weekend.

Saturday Night - Col Gaddafi's son and grandchildren bombed.

Sunday Night - Osama Bin Laden killed...

Coincidence?

Prince Harry reported missing after a secret fancy dress party somewhere in Pakistan...

It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me, I had no idea he was Catholic.

Swoop

3rd May 2011, 10:53

President Bush tried and failed.
President Clinton tried and failed.
President Obama tried and succeeded.

The moral of this is...
If you want someone dead, hire a black man.

Apparently, Bin Laden had a 25 million dollar price tag on his head.
What kind of ridiculous, designer turban was he wearing?

Osama 2,967 - USA 1
I see this very much as a consolation goal.

"9/11 organiser dead".
Nonsense, I've never seen George W. Bush looking healthier.

10 years. Trillions of dollars. Thousands of soldiers dead. State of the art technology. The US finally found Bin Laden.

In his house.

You sure Osama Bin Laden is dead?
I'm sure he just drove me to the airport.

It only took America what... 10 years to find Osama Bin Laden... Wait a min... 9/11... if only I read between the lines.

So Osama Bin Laden is dead! What a momentous day! 2/5/2011

Wait a minute... 2+5+2=9. And it's the year 2011.

9/11!

I should be a conspiracy theorist.

Al-Qaeda must be reeling after the death of Bin Laden.
Where on earth will they find another bearded Muslim extremist to replace him?

News: Osama Bin Laden Dead
He took his own life rather than watch a 4th day of Royal Wedding highlights

Bin Laden: Turbanated.

What were Bin Laden's last words before he was shot?
Allah be back!

So Bin Laden was buried at sea to avoid the risk of his grave becoming a shrine for his supporters.

Trust the Americans not to take advantage of such an offer.

Surely in a war where the Taliban are hiding, you'd want all of his supporters to go to one place, and then kill them?

American forces gave Osama Bin Laden the opportunity to surrender before they shot him dead.

The cunt was living in a compound with no internet and two wives, why the fuck would he want to live?

Swoop

4th May 2011, 12:13

Even though we both speak the same language, it's amazing how there are some subtle differences between American-English and proper English:

They say "sidewalk" we say "pavement"

They say "pants" we say "trousers"

They say "buried at sea" we say "naked and chained to a metal bed frame with a car battery connected to his bollocks whilst being beaten for answers".

Mully

4th May 2011, 19:07

Starbucks have announced the new Osama bin Latte.

Comes with a frothy head with two shots.

Swoop

5th May 2011, 09:00

Just watching the new series of Deadliest Catch on Discovery Channel.
This should be interesting...

Apparently it took the Americans a long time to bury Bin Laden at sea.
Every time they dug some water out, the hole filled back up.

After Bin Laden was buried at sea, the Americans have hired a lifeguard ...
Just to make sure he's not bombing in the deep end.

I suppose I better call the police and make my apology for phoning them every Friday night for the last 6 years.

Looks like the guy working in the local kebab shop was not him after all.:facepalm:

Swoop

5th May 2011, 21:24

Police tax collectors have invented a new addition to be bolted on to every speed camera in the country. It will see further down the road and identify drivers who simply slow down for the camera then speed up again. They call it the "Catch U Next Time."

They are currently trying to think of an acronym for it...

crazyhorse

6th May 2011, 08:11

Now there is a question you do not get too often... A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust... The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'. The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina'....... 'Yes' she says...... The man replies Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?

Swoop

6th May 2011, 08:28

What do Kate Middleton and Osama Bin Laden have in common?
Last weekend a man from the navy smashed in their back door and shot his load in their face.

There is a strong rumour that SEAL team 6 was ordered to launch a mission to kill the world's most hated person and got it wrong.
Justin Bieber is still, unfortunately, alive.

Camshaft

6th May 2011, 09:43

a seal walks into a club . . . .

Swoop

6th May 2011, 13:53

Barrack Obama - The first black man in history that has had to convince the world he did do the killing.

Smifffy

7th May 2011, 16:57

That will teach Osama to enter his real address into his PSN account.

Hinny

8th May 2011, 06:50

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My mate’s girlfriend has called her g-spot ‘‘Osama’‘. She reckons it took him 10 years to find it, but when he did ....KABOOM!
Also being reported, Donald Trump is demanding Osama’s Death Certificate
Apparently some of Bin Laden’s family were killed in the shootout. This gives a new meaning to ‘taking the Bins out’.
6 Irishmen have just drowned dancing on Bin Laden’s grave

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crazyhorse

8th May 2011, 07:31

Two Australian businessmen in Sydney were sitting down for a break, In their soon-to be, new store..

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Kiwi walked to the window, had a peek, and in a Kiwi accent asked 'What are you selling here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Kiwi said, 'You are doing well .. Only two left!'

Australians God bless them - should not mess with New Zealanders.....!!!

FJRider

8th May 2011, 19:41

During a holiday in Bali ... I saw a sign that said "English speaking doctor" ... I thought what a great idea, we should have them in OUR country ...

Swoop

9th May 2011, 10:48

"Americans insist Osama's burial at sea is a Muslim tradition."

5 Minutes later.

"Americans admit to confusing Muslims with Vikings".

My dad once told me that, by definition, a leader is someone who has followers, and the more followers, the greater the leader.

Twitter fucked that theory up.

crazyhorse

10th May 2011, 08:11

HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE
A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix..
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,
'Get well soon. From the nurse in the Subaru you pulled over last week.'
Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it.

Swoop

11th May 2011, 08:39

The identity of the Navy Seals that killed Osama bin Laden is being kept secret.
It's for their own safety. It's to keep them from being high-fived to death. :woohoo:

Swoop

11th May 2011, 14:51

1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance...

The 5 stages of buying petrol.

Swoop

12th May 2011, 06:02

I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!'

I thought "That's just spam."

Stirts

12th May 2011, 10:16

Got a nice camera for sale if your interested?

Funny story how I came by it. Got stopped in the city today by some Japanese tourists who asked me to take their photo. I said "Wave", and they all ran like fuck!

unstuck

12th May 2011, 10:30

Banditbandit

12th May 2011, 10:48

WHO KNEW..

Einstein was born March 14, 1879.
He would be 130 if he were alive today.

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. Einstein said that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed.

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as....

[R RATED]http://ianstuart.weebly.com/uploads/4/8/0/7/4807875/1019055.jpg[/R RATED]

Einstein's Theory of "Relative Titty."

Oh, quit whining! I don't write this shit, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you. Anyway, it beats the political crap.

unstuck

12th May 2011, 10:55

WHO KNEW..

Einstein was born March 14, 1879.
He would be 130 if he were alive today.

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. Einstein said that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed.

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as....

Einstein's Theory of "Relative Titty."

Oh, quit whining! I don't write this shit, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you. Anyway, it beats the political crap.

Prefer it when they are jiggling.:yes:

Swoop

12th May 2011, 13:30

Two Jews were walking past a building site when an envelope fell out of nowhere and landed by Moshi's feet. When he picked it up, he read the outside, which said, Paddy Quinn, Carpenter.
Moshi opened up the envelope to find a payslip and $1200 in cash.
His friend, Benjamin said," Hey Moshi.... it's your lucky day, eh no?"
Clutching the payslip from the envelope, Moshi replied." Lucky day?"....."Vot Fucking Lucky day?" ............. "Have you seen how much I've been taxed?"

Swoop

13th May 2011, 08:18

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse walk into a bar in Otara.

20 minutes later, the Four Pedestrians of the Apocalypse vow to never drink in Otara again.

Swoop

14th May 2011, 13:24

Tenerife.

I won't beheading there in a rush.

doc

17th May 2011, 05:52

The Man Rules (explained)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We always hear " the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping

Geeen

17th May 2011, 17:21

JakeTehMuss

17th May 2011, 19:20

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Bev my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “a--hole” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Bev called him a “s--t head”.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home !!!

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.

Stirts

20th May 2011, 10:33

IMF ..... Inappropriate Maid Fucking

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BBC News: French head of IMF faces sex assault charges over an alleged incident with a New York hotel maid.

Serves her right for dressing like a hotel maid if you ask me.....

george formby

20th May 2011, 10:36

Why is the area between a womans breasts & her hips called a waist?

Because their is room for another pair of tits their.

Stirts

20th May 2011, 10:44

Wife wakes up to tell her husband she could feel something strange between her boobs.

Husband: "shut up and go back to bed, it's just your belly button"

george formby

20th May 2011, 10:54

How do you make 5lb of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it..

Swoop

20th May 2011, 11:00

BBC NEWS: Titanic captain's cigar box found in Merseyside house.

And there you have it: ultimate proof that Scousers are the best thieves in the world. :yes:

avgas

20th May 2011, 11:37

A New Zealand man was having coffee and croissants with butter and
jam in a cafe when an Aussie tourist, chewing gum, sat next to him.
The New Zealander politely ignored the Australian, who, never the
less started up a conversation.
The Australian snapped his gum and said, "You Kiwi folk eat the whole
bread?"
The Kiwi frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast,
and replied, "Of course."
The Australian blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In Australia, we only
eat what's inside. Then we collect the crusts, recycle them, and
transform them into croissants and sell them to New Zealand."
The Aussie had a smirk on his face. The Kiwi listened in silence.
The Aussie persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, the Kiwi replied, "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Aussie said, "We don't.
In Aussie, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the
peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform
them into jam and sell them to New Zealand."
The Kiwi then asked, "Do you have sex in Australia?"
The Australian smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The New Zealander leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do
with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course." says the Aussie.
"We don't, says the Kiwi. "In New Zealand, we put them in a
container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell
them to Australia. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"
Reminds me of a joke which came in handy when I worked in Aus.
Often when you work in Aus - every aussie you meet will call you a sheep fucker.

My calm response is to explain to them the livelihood of sheep fucking in NZ.
I tell them when we turn 15, a boy is given a sheep
He fucks that sheep for a whole year - gets rid off all that sexual frustration teenage boys have. Then he is allowed to date whatever women he wants.

That sheep is inevitably sent to the meat works. Where it is chopped up.
However there is a bright side to this.
It is considered the most juicy and tender lamb in Australia - often the pride of the table in many Australian homes and restaurants.
When did you last have lamb?

Swoop

20th May 2011, 13:37

I've just been caught trying to smuggle twelve cases of fortified wine in to the country.

I'm worried I might be deported.

MSTRS

20th May 2011, 14:26

Decant do that.

Laava

20th May 2011, 14:52

Stop your wining

Stirts

20th May 2011, 15:09

Every now and then, couples should have a cheese and wine party.

He gets his cheesy knob out and she whines about having to suck it.

MSTRS

21st May 2011, 12:15

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

george formby

21st May 2011, 12:25

I recently bought the Mother in law a pair of crotchless knickers. Nothing sexual in it, I just thought she would get a better grip on her broomstick..:facepalm:

Shamelessly filched from Superbike jokes page

slofox

21st May 2011, 13:55

I tried some viagra eye drops last week...my vision was fucked but I looked hard...

awa355

21st May 2011, 19:25

Next time an Aussie tells you a kiwi sheep shaggers joke, remind them, They're only jealous because we thought of it first, and anyway, our sheep are better looking than theirs.

MSTRS

23rd May 2011, 07:31

The NZ Medical Association has weighed in on National's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it..

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Wellington.

pete376403

24th May 2011, 20:06

MORAL DILEMMA

This test will only take one minute and only has one question, but it's
a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which
you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:

You are in Kaitaia.

There is chaos all around you caused by a cyclone, with severe flooding..

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making
photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into
the water..

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the
debris. You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...

You suddenly realize who it is.

It's Hone Harawera.

You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options:

1. You can save his life; or

2. You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting
the death of one of the country's most despised men!

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white ?

unstuck

24th May 2011, 20:12

:killingme:killingme high color for sure.:yes:

BoristheBiter

25th May 2011, 18:30

:killingme:killingme high color for sure.:yes:

:rofl:
No black and white, more dramatic.

kevfromcoro

25th May 2011, 19:12

these zzies shear there sheep
but we dnt share urs with anyne d we

Laava

25th May 2011, 21:54

Hone Harawira was visiting a Northern primary school and the class was in the
>> middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
>>
>> The teacher asked Hone if he would like to lead the discussion on
>> the
>> word 'Tragedy'..
>>
>> So our future illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
>>
>> Manu, a little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on
>> a
>> farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,
>> that would be a tragedy.'
>>
>> 'Incorrect,' said Hone. 'That would be an accident.'
>>
>> A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
>> drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
>>
>> 'I'm afraid not',explained Hone 'that's what we would refer to as a
>> great loss'.
>>
>> The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Hone searched the
>> room.
>>
>> 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
>>
>> Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:
>>
>> 'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Sharples and Mrs.Tits was
>> struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be
>> a
>> tragedy...'
>>
>> 'Fantastic' exclaimed Hone 'and can you tell me why that would be a
>> tragedy?'
>>
>> 'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
>> wouldn't
>> be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either!'

Goblin

25th May 2011, 22:39

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ..

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,

after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments...

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs

and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant..

Swoop

26th May 2011, 08:27

The sexy policewoman interrogating me last night asked, "How many rapes have you committed?"
I said, "Eight or nine."
"Which is it?" she asked.
I replied "It depends on how soon you can get back-up.":blip:

Swoop

27th May 2011, 09:05

"The problem with quotes on the Internet is that it is hard to verify their authenticity".
Abraham Lincoln.

Given that catholic priests are famously abstinent, I'm thinking of starting a business selling services to accomodate their lifestyle.

I'm calling it Sell-a-butt.

Star Wars would have been a whole lot simpler if Luke had just called Child Services on his Father.

MSTRS

27th May 2011, 15:32

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males: A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied "They had eggs."

Stirts

27th May 2011, 15:53

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz"

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate
with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

( THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The women won.

MSTRS

27th May 2011, 15:57

I bought the wife a memory stick. It's great! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.

Virago

27th May 2011, 16:38

Wannabiker

27th May 2011, 18:39

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER : $2.00?
HAMBURGER : $2.25?
CHEESEBURGER : $2.50?
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50?
HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

Swoop

30th May 2011, 08:17

Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer?

Max Factor should make condoms.

Geeen

30th May 2011, 22:13

Got these from my Old Man:

A Guy goes to see his Doctor about a disturbing problem, "Doc, its about my Penis" he says a bit embarrassed.
"Well, get it out and lets have a gander" replies the Doc, So the guy proceeds to get it out show the Doctor. All over his end are these little green growths.
"Aaahh," says the Doc " thats what we call Brothel Sprouts."

"Research has shown that our modern diet and way of life should have shortened our expected lifespan by half, " A Scientist at a Convention was saying " but there is one food above all others that has proven detrimental to our health. Can anyone guess what it is?" From the back of the room a little old lady raises her hand
"Yes?" says the Scientist. With a straight face the Woman replies "Wedding Cake"

Swoop

31st May 2011, 11:58

Penguin Publishing are promoting a new range of books from Muslim authors now, titles include;

"Finding a job" by Oyeah Asif
"Cooking Curry" by Ahmed Astink
"Easy DIY" by Mahroof Isfukd
"Inbreeding" by Ishag Masistah

along with their hot tip for "best seller"

"Justice for muslims" by Shahoot Dhakunt

crazyhorse

31st May 2011, 16:33

I met her at the Civic. I’d been Holden up the bar all night and as she walked in, I looked her Rover. I thought she seemed Familia, but that was just a Mirage. She came up to me on her own Accord. I said ”Audi”, and she told me she thought I was Galant. I lied to her and told her I was an Executive. I was just being Calais. She was quite a Starlet, wearing a nice Mini, but not like that of Hunter.
Her name was Sylvia and she was a real Trooper. I’d drunk a few Corona’s when I tried to Impreza. She told me not to Porsche it. I told her I wanted to Lancer. Turns out she was an Escort, so by her standards I wasn’t that Ford. I didn’t want to pay – she said “you don’t know what you are Nissan”. So I paid. I took her back to my place – or HQ as I like to call it. I had a Bighorn and, of course, I was an absolute Legend.
Later, when there was a Prelude, I went to see if there was any food left in the Lada.
It was a great night, but I really should have worn a condom because you see, I left her with my Legacy – a little Bambina

1 Free Man

31st May 2011, 21:16

kids know far to much now days.
Today in the doctors waiting room
I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie and ken dolls
imitating the doggy position.
I bent down and told her,
" you will end up with little baby dolls
if you keep doing that."
She replied, "I don't think so dickhead, he's fucking her up the arse."

Swoop

1st June 2011, 08:39

My wife rang me on my mobile today and said, "Where the hell are you?"

"Can you remember that jewellery shop we looked in on Saturday?" I asked. "The one that had those earrings you really liked in the window."

"Yes," she said, in a much more cheerful tone.

"Well, I'm in the pub next door.":apint:

The lady of the house was just sitting down to eat at a large dinner party when she accidentally breaks wind, she turns to the butler and says "Jeeves! Stop that"

the butler replies "Certainly Ma'am, which way did it go?".

Swoop

2nd June 2011, 08:12

I've just emailed "This is a robbery!" to my online bank support.

Will they just put the money in my account or do I have to wait for an email back?

Swoop

3rd June 2011, 08:17

Last night I came out of a nightclub and was approached by a Thai woman.

She gave me a cheeky wink and said, "Blowjob, $40?"

I said, "Yeah alright" and lead her into the alley.

I soon realised my mistake when she handed me two $20 notes and started pulling up her skirt. :shit:

Hinny

3rd June 2011, 09:00

God visited a man and told him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex
If he wants to get into heaven.....
The man said he would try his best.
God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.
"Not bad" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the
Wife bent over the lounge suite
And I caught sight of her long slender legs, I pull her skirt up,
Pulled her knickers to one side
And made love to her right then and there. ".
"They don't like that in heaven", said God...
The man replied "They're not too happy about it in Harvey Norman either!"

crazyhorse

3rd June 2011, 10:16

TAX TIME

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks "What's your occupation ?"

"I'm a prostitute" she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says "Let's try to rephrase that.."

The woman says "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute;

then the woman says "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute ?"

"Well, I managed to raise a thousand little cocks last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

Laava

3rd June 2011, 10:52

Stirts

3rd June 2011, 13:42

These Germans think they've got it bad?

I've got to explain how I got E.coli up my arse.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Patients with E.Coli are being treated with laughing gas. Its all shits and giggles

Stirts

3rd June 2011, 15:42

ATD - At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friends Funeral

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUATSC - See You at the Senior Centre

DWI - Driving While Incontinent

FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

FYI - Found Your Insulin

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

TTYL - Talk to You Louder

WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again

WTP - Where's the Prunes

WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kickin in!

YellowDog

3rd June 2011, 17:00

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18-room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a kosher TV dinner, but the lawyer receives a five-course meal including caviar, prime rib and chocolate truffles.

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge,

"Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"

The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."

crazyhorse

3rd June 2011, 20:53

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied.. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a bloody thing."

The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

FJRider

3rd June 2011, 21:00

I went to visit a mate of mine last night ... they had a new baby. His wife asked me if I wanted to wind it ... I thought that a bit harsh, so I just gave it a dead-leg instead ...

Swoop

5th June 2011, 14:06

During some excavation work, a team of Israeli archaeologists discovered a previously undetected cave. They were very excited because the following five symbols were carved on one wall of the cave:

A woman
A donkey
A shovel
A fish
A Star of David

The archaeologists declared this a unique find. The carvings were thought to be at least three thousand years old. They carefully cut out the piece of stone holding the symbols and sent it in to the Tel Aviv Museum. Soon, archaeologists from all over the world were invited to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The chairman opened the meeting by pointing to the first symbol and saying:

"We can judge from the first symbol that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were smart enough to train donkeys to help them till the soil. The shovel symbol means they had tools to work with. Their intelligence is highlighted by the fish, which means that when their crops failed, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol means they were evidently Hebrew."

The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said,

"Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman.' "

Swoop

6th June 2011, 07:49

I've had a productive week, got a new kidney and managed to get rid of a faulty iPad.

Swoop

8th June 2011, 10:49

Leonardo Di Caprio didnt die in the Titanic. They just showed him go underwater. In inception he wakes up on a beach.

It's like a movie within a movie.

I got kicked out of the Whitcoulls today. Apparently I wasn't allowed to move Kate McCann's book into the murder mystery section.

Swoop

9th June 2011, 08:11

You can look at some people and instantly know they're only going to get two awards in life.

A birth and a death certificate.

MSTRS

10th June 2011, 10:30

My son asked me today "What's the difference between a crow and a blackbird?" I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails whereas a blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.

jim.cox

10th June 2011, 11:22

Planning to get a tattoo of a yeti on my stomach, it'll be my Abdominal Snowman

Swoop

10th June 2011, 12:12

I used to supply Filofaxes to the Mafia. It was very organised crime.

Don't be racist - be like Mario!

He's an Italian plumber, created by the Japs, who speaks English, runs like a Jamaican, jumps like an African-American, and collects coins like a Jew.

jim.cox

10th June 2011, 15:58

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar, one says, I think I've lost an electron! the second says "are you sure?" the first responds, "yes! I'm positive!"

A sql query walks into a bar, saunters up to a couple of tables and says " May I join you?"

There are 10 types of people in this world, those that understand binary and those that don't.

Two strings walk into a bar, the first walks up to the bartender and says "I'll have a gin and tonic@#$@#$@ihoenaoekdaoea" the second says "Excuse my friend, he's not null terminated"

Artificial intelligence is no match, for natural stupidity!

Got a new computer the other day, said "Requires windows vista or better" so I installed linux.

My computer beat me at chess the other day, its still no match for me at kickboxing though!

The difference between e-mail and regular mail is that computers handle e-mail, and computers never decide to come to work one day and shoot all the other computers

Remember folks, RAM disk is NOT an instruction!!!

Swoop

14th June 2011, 08:06

If you're ever in Africa and come face to face with a lion, take one step sideways and then one step back.
Repeating this process lets you move obliquely away from the lion...

and prevents you from standing in your own shit.

Swoop

15th June 2011, 08:39

I bet Jehovah's Witnesses have some good "knock knock" jokes...

Stirts

15th June 2011, 08:55

Dam Busters dog to be renamed for movie remake:

As The N-Word is deemed inappropriate for modern audiences...

The Dog will be renamed Black Cunt instead.

Stirts

15th June 2011, 08:57

Why are there no Jehovah's witnesses in heaven?

Because God and Saint Peter are behind the gates saying, "Sssshhhhhh! pretend we are not in!!"

crazyhorse

16th June 2011, 15:28

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"

crazyhorse

16th June 2011, 15:29

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

crazyhorse

16th June 2011, 15:30

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied.. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a bloody thing."

crazyhorse

16th June 2011, 15:31

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

bogan

16th June 2011, 15:59

Bit of a repost there crazyhorse, in fact you posted the same stuff on the previous page, not quite two weeks ago :lol:

Stirts

16th June 2011, 16:29

That's just crazy :lol:

slofox

16th June 2011, 16:30

Bit of a repost there crazyhorse, in fact you posted the same stuff on the previous page, not quite two weeks ago :lol:

Hmmmm...memory a bit flaky crazyhorse..? I thought I was the only one with that problem hereabouts...:whistle:

Stirts

16th June 2011, 16:37

I heard some where that masturbating causes memory loss.

I can't remember where though.

Stirts

16th June 2011, 16:46

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

ac3_snow

17th June 2011, 08:03

Hone Harawira......:lol:

the prophet!!:killingme

Swoop

17th June 2011, 08:22

BBC News - Zawahiri 'becomes Al-Qaeda chief'

Note to Americans, check his house first.

MSTRS

17th June 2011, 15:54

As a law enforcement officer I have been approached by several people lately wanting to know how to identify a Meth Lab. Below is a picture of four Labs. I think it's pretty obvious which one is the Meth Lab. I hope this helps. Let me know if I can be of any further service in this matter.

DMNTD

19th June 2011, 09:15

John Wayne, Clint Eastwood and Paul Newman were sitting round a camp fire discussing who was the Hardest.
Eastwood says, "I killed a bear with my bare hands"
Newman says "I wrestled two adult Crocs, gouged both thier eyes out and killed them both!"
John Wayne just sat there saying nothing, poking the fire with his cock

one fast tl1ooo

19th June 2011, 10:49

Subject: NOT Politically correct! Good old Oswald Bastable!

Q: A car full of Pakistanis and a car full of Somalis are racing down a hill. They both fall off a cliff at the same time, who wins?

A: Civilization.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A cop in London stops a Muslim leading a cow down the street. He asks "What are you doing with a cow in the middle of town?"

The Muslim says, "I am taking it home to keep it in my house."

The copper asks, "What about all the flies, the shit and the stink?"

The Muslim thinks a moment and replies, "The cow will just have to get used to it."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time?

A: Hit an Ethiopian Muslim in the face with a frying pan.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do Muslim men think is the best thing about having sex with twenty-eight year olds?

A: There's 20 of them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between a trampoline and a Muslim?

A: You should take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Muslim man goes into a drugstore and says to the druggist, "I need some birth control for my eleven-year-old daughter."

"Is your little girl sexually active?" asks the druggist.

"Nah, she just lays there like her mother."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do Pakis smell?

A: So blind people can hate them too.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you have when an Egyptian Muslim is buried up to his neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ahmed goes up to his friend Mahmud and asks, "What's black, blue and yellow and doesn't like sex very much?"

Mahmud shakes his head and says, "I give up - what?"

Ahmed answers, "The 6 year old Chinese girl in the trunk of my car."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's wrong with 15 Pakis on a bus at the bottom of a pond?

A: The bus has 16 seats.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Why should they use Muslims instead of laboratory rats in experiments?

A. Muslims breed faster and you won't get so attached to them.

crazyhorse

19th June 2011, 19:03

Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato'.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would eat properly so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

And when she went out West, she must watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
They sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ).
So that when she graduated she'd really be "in the Chips".

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Richie Benaud.

"Richie Benaud!!!!", they cried. They were very upset and told Yam "You can't possibly marry Richie Benaud because he's just ......

Are you ready for this? Are you sure?
*
OK! You asked for it: Here it is!
*
*

... just a COMMONTATER!" :banana:

stifmyster1

19th June 2011, 22:07

a jet of people is flying over the atlantic. all of the passengers are being right pains in the ass constantly harrasing the stewards and claiming the pilots are shit Suddenly the engine burst on fire. None of the passengers notice.

5 minutes later the pilots voice comes over the intercom.
Ladies and gentleman this is you captain speaking. if you will look out the right hand side of the aircraft you will see the engine is on fire. and if you look out the left hand side of the aircraft you will see 3 parachutes. this is myself, the co pilot and the steward. This is a recorded message have a nice day.

stifmyster1

19th June 2011, 22:11

2 hill billy brother go deer hunting. When the plane comes to pick them up from the wilderness the have 12 deer. The pilot tells them thats too many. After a bit of arguing the pilot gives in. 20 minutes later the plane crashes into a mountain from flying so low. The pilot gets out and exclaims "where the fuck are we"
One of the brothers tells him exactly where they are.
"how do you know that" the pilot replies expecting to see him pull out a GPS.

Cuase where 100m from where we crashed last year.

crazyhorse

20th June 2011, 06:01

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown, sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around!"

Swoop

20th June 2011, 11:06

"I shall go to the toilet now," said the mother-in-law, "And if I see another fly around that beef when I come back, I won't be eating mine!"

Later on I had to ask, "So how was it then Irene?"

"Fantastic tasty cut of meat," she said, "And not a fly in sight!"

"I should hope not!" I said. "I used a whole can of fly spray on your plate."

TRIUMPHSROCK675

20th June 2011, 17:26

jesus walks into a bar and hands the inn keeper three nails and says " can you put me up for the night"

Swoop

23rd June 2011, 14:52

I went to the horse racing for the first time ever at the weekend. I haven't got a clue about betting, so I walked up to the counter and said, "Excuse me. Could you explain to me what an each way bet is please?"

The man said, "No problem Sir. An each way bet is split into two stakes. The first is a bet on the horse to win. The second is a proportional bet on the horse to finish in a place. This can be first, second, third or even fourth, depending on the amount of horses running in the race."

I said, "That sounds perfect for me! Can I have five dollars each way on number four please?"

"No," he replied.

"Oh," I said, "And why's that?"

"This is a hot dog stand."

crazyhorse

23rd June 2011, 15:36

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a university graduate and an old aboriginal man.

They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to think about it then come up with a short poem that contained that word.

The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '

First to recite his poem was the university graduate.

He stepped up to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu

The crowd went crazy. No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.

The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop-up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu

The aboriginal won.

Swoop

24th June 2011, 11:17

I said to my girlfriend the other day, "I've nicknamed your clitoris 'Nemo'."

"Because you find it so hard to find?" she quipped.

"No," I laughed, "because it smells like fish."

crazyhorse

25th June 2011, 09:17

A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars", she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.

They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here people"?, asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife", Bubba answers, sounding annoyed.

"Oh, I'm sorry", says the cop, "I didn't know".

Bubba says, "Well, neither did I, till you shined that light in her face".

MSTRS

25th June 2011, 16:06

An Israeli sense of humour at the UN set the record straight. An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.

A representative from Israel began "Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water he thought 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!' Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them!"

The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted "What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't even there then. The Israeli representative smiled and said "And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech..."

mikeey01

25th June 2011, 22:17

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse..

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking..

2.. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

one fast tl1ooo

26th June 2011, 09:23

A Lawyer And A Senior

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

You know you're going to send this one on.

Don't mess with old farts!

Swoop

27th June 2011, 12:07

The price of owning a faulty Jetpack is going through the roof!

Swoop

29th June 2011, 09:11

I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife reckons it's weird.

I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat!:woohoo:

Banditbandit

29th June 2011, 16:41

A woman from Auckland , who was a tree hugger, Greens supporter, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of bush land near Coromandel.

There was a large Kauri tree on one of the highest points on the block. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a mynah bird that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to Thames Hospital to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Greenie, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Department of Conservation, Resource Management Act, County Council, Regional Authority and Iwi before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

God save NZ !

Swoop

30th June 2011, 08:13

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 10 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid?" " I can see you in there sir, open the door".
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car".

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "Well, I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

Stirts

30th June 2011, 09:39

Dogs are man's best friend,

Unless of course the man is a Metropolitan Police Officer, then dogs just think your a cunt.

Stirts

30th June 2011, 09:43

Today I watched Cinderella backwards and realised it is about a woman who learns her place.

one fast tl1ooo

30th June 2011, 11:13

Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench
saw.

Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the
local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.

The nurse says, Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.

Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now
re-attached arm.

The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another
bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to
hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse
replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'.

And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the
treadmill.

And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs
his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick
to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down
and cries and says, 'He's dead.'

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him
in.'
'No', says the nurse.

'Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.

Shadows

30th June 2011, 21:28

What has 8 legs and a black cunt?

The A-Team.

Shadows

30th June 2011, 21:37

I tried to get on the bus this morning but the Pakistani driver put his hand up and said "I'm jam-packed full".

I told him I couldn't give a fuck what his name was, but he still wouldn't let me on.

MSTRS

2nd July 2011, 09:06

Two gay guys are going to the Zoo in Sydney. They come across a gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated

One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for two hours non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by.

When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"

"AM I HURT?" he shouts "Wouldn't you be...? He hasn't called... he hasn't written... nothing!!"

Swoop

3rd July 2011, 16:25

My wife asked me to describe her the other day.

I said, "I think you're A B C D E F G H I J K"

She said, "What's that supposed to mean?"

I said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."

She said, "Oh, that's so sweet. What about the I, J, K part?"

I said, "I'm Just Kidding".

In the news: Significant drop in drink driving deaths. That'll be because people can't afford both alcohol and petrol.

YellowDog

3rd July 2011, 23:24

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger!

It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!

Swoop

5th July 2011, 13:29

So I hear Thailand has its first female Prime Minister.

Or has it...?

Laava

6th July 2011, 21:18

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”His father replied, “Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom .......

Laava

6th July 2011, 21:19

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!”After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you're stupid, Larry?”“No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself

Swoop

8th July 2011, 08:17

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 12.

One to screw it in,
one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination,
one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination,
one to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like",
one to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic,
one to blame men for not changing the bulb,
one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it,
one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs,
one to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs,
one to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with electricians,
one to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men,
and one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.

Vacquer0

8th July 2011, 15:09

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.

mikeey01

8th July 2011, 20:54

Womens lonely hearts ad
What they really mean:

Adventurous = Likes anal.
Athletic = no tits
30 something = 41+
Fun = Annoying
Wild = Gets pissed easily
Beautiful eyes = Face like a robbers dog
Seeks knight in shining armour = Ex husbands a fucking nutter
New Age = Hairy with a smelly fanny
Headstrong = Argumentative
Enjoys pubs and clubbing = Alcholic
Curvy = Fat
Cuddly = Fatter
Like eating out = Greedy fat cunt
Likes nights in = Lazy fat cunt

Banditbandit

11th July 2011, 16:01

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband.

She says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you"

Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me...talking to the wine."

Swoop

12th July 2011, 08:14

"Victoriaaaaaaa, i fink i made a mistake luv, it was BLAKES seven i watched as a kid, not Harper"!

Victoria Beckham goes up to David and says: "I've just seen what's in the games room - why have you bought a coffin for me"?
He replies: "That's not your coffin, it's a case for my snooker cue".

crazyhorse

12th July 2011, 20:15

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

> 'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

Vacquer0

13th July 2011, 01:06

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the
lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't
understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age;
we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the
Capitol.'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one
to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake
the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem.
You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish
shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an
asshole and a briefcase.

oneofsix

13th July 2011, 08:09

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.'

The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?'

As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?'

'I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.'

'Huh,' the younger doctor said. 'Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house.'

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman... She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.'

'You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,' the younger doctor told her. 'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'

As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?'

I did what you did at the last house.. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed.'

Banditbandit

13th July 2011, 09:29

A 2007 study found that the average New Zealander walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that the average New Zealander drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means the average Kiwi gets about 41 miles per gallon.

Bloody good value that!

Virago

13th July 2011, 10:24

Victoria Beckham goes up to David and says: "I've just seen what's in the games room - why have you bought a coffin for me"?
He replies: "That's not your coffin, it's a case for my snooker cue".

What's the difference between Victoria Beckham and a counterfeit dollar?

One is a phoney buck...

Stirts

13th July 2011, 10:32

Petrol prices are going through the roof.
I went into a Petrol Station this morning and asked for $20 worth of gas.
The sales assistant farted and handed me a receipt.

Swoop

13th July 2011, 13:27

I went to the bank today to ask for a loan.

"What do you need the money for sir?"

"It's for a car."

"Oh nice, what are you getting?"

"Just some unleaded."

Stirts

13th July 2011, 13:50

1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance ...

The 5 stages of buying petrol.

crazyhorse

13th July 2011, 15:06

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark
and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with
all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did..

When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we
just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around
them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the
shit inside!"

_Shrek_

15th July 2011, 17:34

Hone Harawira was seated next to a little girl on an Air New
Zealand flight. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the MP smiling smugly, "how about global warming,
universal health care, or stimulus packages?"

"OK," she said. "those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff: grass. Yet
a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse
produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

Hone looked visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about
it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know
shit?"

She went back to reading her book.

crazyhorse

16th July 2011, 08:46

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will
show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable
Manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed,
"What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

FJRider

16th July 2011, 10:35

Two elderly ladies were sitting on the front porch talking ... One old lady says to the other "do you still get horny ... ???" the other one says ... "oh sure I do." The first says "What do you do about it ... ???" The second says ... "I suck a lifesaver" ... after a few moments the first one asks ... "Who drives you to the beach ... ???"

crazyhorse

16th July 2011, 16:08

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.

Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble..'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over - so now we're going to SeaWorld

Stirts

18th July 2011, 12:27

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right arse cheek, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Fuck! I forgot to tell him her arse is a pencil sharpener!"

Swoop

18th July 2011, 13:26

Women fucking drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left!

How am I supposed to prepare myself with these fucking mind games?

Stirts

18th July 2011, 14:32

I tried to set up a website for woman drivers, but it just kept crashing

Maha

18th July 2011, 15:47

I tried to set up a website for woman drivers, but it just kept crashing

..could have been the ''hard drive''?....:shutup:

Smokin

18th July 2011, 19:33

Last week, she checked into the caravan park in
Bundaberg Queensland in a cabin and was a bit
lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see
advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad
for a guy calling himself Tender Toby - a very handsome
man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places,
thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six
pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a
sixpence off his well oiled bum.... You get the picture.

She figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" .. . . Oh
my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated and she
rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great
massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me
one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in
town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it
hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.. Bring
implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything
you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and
heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup
and whipped cream, anything and everything, baby. Now
how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you
need to press 9 for an outside line."

_Shrek_

18th July 2011, 20:25

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for the Year!

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 6
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 5
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 4
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 3
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 2
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

And The Number 1 Thought
- - - as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last that long."

Hinny

20th July 2011, 21:23

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"
... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

DMNTD

21st July 2011, 06:53

An aeroplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the aircraft.

The second passenger, Hone Harawira, said, "I am the leader of the Mana party in Aotearoa and I am the smartest Maori in New Zealand history, so New Zealand's people don't want me to die." He took the second parachute and jumped out of the aircraft.

The third passenger, Russell Norman, said, "I'm the leader of the NZ Greens and the nation needs my guidance and my boyfriend would miss me." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped

The fourth passenger, ex-PM Jim Bolger, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Bolger. There's a parachute left for you. NZ’s smartest Maori took my schoolbag!"

Hinny

21st July 2011, 09:41

Confusing Genie

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing; because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too!"

Banditbandit

21st July 2011, 12:38

Inner Peace:

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat plain food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
.
.
.
.
.
Then you're probably the Family Dog

Banditbandit

21st July 2011, 12:41

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a young woman standing on the railing of a bridge and about to jump off so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked: "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you're about to waste. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

Maha

21st July 2011, 13:37

Tag: The copy and paste thread.

avgas

21st July 2011, 14:35

I tried to set up a website for woman drivers, but it just kept crashing
I tried to set one up for motorcyclists.
They keep blaming the computer for their mistakes.

YellowDog

21st July 2011, 21:00

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . .. . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut it up and go to sleep!"

YellowDog

22nd July 2011, 14:09

There was this man sitting at the bar staring at his beer when a large trouble-making young guy steps up next to him, grabs the drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the man bursts into tears. "Come on, man," the kid says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a grown man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," he says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a beer with the only spare change I have, drop a cyanide capsule in that my father had as a war memento, and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Swoop

22nd July 2011, 14:32

I said to my two-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"
"Miaow!"

"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"
"Woof woof!"

"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"
"Swoop, if you even think about going out riding to that fucking pub with your mates then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"
That's my boy!

Stirts

22nd July 2011, 16:01

Little Johnny is standing on a street corner swatting flies.

Every time he sees a fly he utters, "Fucking flies, fucking flies."

Just as the boy says it a shocked priest walks up and says, "You should not curse the flies because every one of God's creations has a purpose."

Little Johnny, unmoved by the priest's objection says, "Bullshit."

"Well tell me three things on this earth that God has made that have no use," says the priest.

Little Johnny looks at him with a grin and replies, "Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these fucking flies.."

Smifffy

22nd July 2011, 20:00

One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village. On the front lawn were six old ladies,

Lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was really unusual, but continued on my way.

On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn..

This time my curiosity got the better of me, and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator,

And asked her, "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"

Yes,' she said, "aren't they darlings? They're retired prostitutes - they're having a garage sale."

Swoop

23rd July 2011, 17:20

One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:

"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in New Zealand and this weather is just like a typical February day." Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.

When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Kiwi, "Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?" The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot March day in the far north. I'm coping it just fine."

Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this mans stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the Kiwi jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.

"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: "The All Blacks have won the Rugby World Cup for the second time!".

_Shrek_

26th July 2011, 18:28

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided
I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an
emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I
decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally
predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided
that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her She rushed from
one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made
me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the
ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything
I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I’m back looking for a girl with big tits.

slofox

27th July 2011, 11:08

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.
As they walked, they come across a sign: “Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.” “I am entering!” said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, “Well, how’d ya go?”

“I won First Place !,” said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see another sign: “Contest for the strongest man in the world.”

“I’m entering,” says Superman.

After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, “How did you make out?”

“I won First Place , too,” answers Superman. “Did you ever have a doubt?”

They continue walking when they see a third sign: “Contest - Who is the greatest liar in the world?”

Pinocchio quickly enters the contest. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

“What happened?” they asked.

“Who the hell is Julia Gillard?” asked Pinocchio.

slofox

27th July 2011, 11:09

oldie but...godly..

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,
Edna

Stirts

27th July 2011, 20:10

Before telling such sick and abusive jokes about Amy Winehouse, think about her poor close friends.

Imagine how they'll feel on Tuesday when they wake up and find out.

EJK

28th July 2011, 11:38

Guy1: Tell me a potassium joke.
Guy2: K

What do you do with a dead chemist?
Barium

I wanted to make a good chemistry joke but the best ones Argon.

Guy1: Do you know any jokes about Sodium?
Guy2: Na

Swoop

29th July 2011, 09:21

It was my mate's funeral this week. He was always a practical joker, and fair play, he made us laugh right to the end. Silly fucker had the coffin rigged somehow so that when it was being lowered into the ground, a tape of him saying, "Ha! Fooled you... I'm alive!" started playing. It was followed by things like, "Lads... Really. I'm not dead, let me out!"

We were all in stitches. Even the Vicar was pissing himself.

RIP Dave... Fucking legend!

paturoa

30th July 2011, 09:28

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... "Will you marry me?"

The Princess said "NO!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went
fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and
drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the
toilet seat up and faaaarted whenever he wanted.

The End

mikeey01

30th July 2011, 12:45

A blind man went for a job in a timber yard saying he could identify any wood by its smell.
They tested him on different types and he guessed right everytime.
To catch him out the secretary stripped her clothes off and lay naked on the floor with her legs open.
He sniffed and said he wasnt sure, so he asked for the wood to be turned over.
He sniffed again and said "ya cant fool me, it's an old shithouse door off a fishing boat"

nadroj

30th July 2011, 16:40

Blonde Payment Plan.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house

with that expensive double-panel energy efficient

kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor

who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed

a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellllloooooo just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that

I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy

had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these

windows would pay for themselves!

Hellllooooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line,

so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet

he felt like an idiot!! :roll:

nadroj

30th July 2011, 16:41

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
The boy said "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

nadroj

30th July 2011, 16:47

A guy is out with his buddies. He has a
Few drinks, gets in the mood but true to
His wife goes home.

When he gets home he finds her sound
Asleep in bed with her mouth wide open.
He gets two aspirin and drops them into
Her mouth.

Of course, she chokes but recovers and
Asks, "What did you put in my mouth??"

He says, "Two aspirin".

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE"!!!

He says, "That's what I wanted to hear."

nadroj

30th July 2011, 16:50

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you
describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer
is a fat yellow lazy dude and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

YellowDog

31st July 2011, 22:49

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there..
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck.....

Geeen

1st August 2011, 19:00

Here is one for all you gun addicts. This will make you think twice the next time you purchase a gun.

What follows is an actual photo of a person being shot at close range.
Seeing folks actually pulling the trigger on another human may not be your cup of tea.

Violence is a brutal event. Most of us tend to sit back in our living rooms, view the barrage of information that comes across from the media and we become desensitized to the real gravity and danger of the world in which we live.

243821

Just horrible, isn't it
__________________________________________________ ______________________________

YellowDog

1st August 2011, 19:21

......Apparently Rupert Murdoch has been touched and moved by the messages of sympathy left on Amy Winehouse's phone.

crazyhorse

1st August 2011, 22:33

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner . He passed a hooker standing there every day.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.

As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her �150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife
As they neared the hooker�s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

Then, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"

Swoop

3rd August 2011, 12:18

Amy winehouse arrives at the gates of heaven to be greeted by Michael Jackson and St Peter.

Amy says " Oh michael are you here to greet me because Im a musical genius like you?"

Michael turns to St Peter and says " Who is this horse faced junkie, and where are all these norwegian kids you promised me?

MSTRS

5th August 2011, 10:00

Three men - a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in a car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen" the Devil started "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell".

The philosopher then stepped up "Okay give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings". With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat". The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said "The third hole from the right". "Wrong" said the idiot "it's from my arsehole". And the idiot went to Heaven.

Swoop

5th August 2011, 12:31

News that caused a great amount of upset,
Justin beiber was found alive in his room last night.:facepalm:

Banditbandit

8th August 2011, 15:18

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview..

"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?"

"It's like talking to a fucking brick wall."

Swoop

9th August 2011, 11:08

I don't blame those hoons in north London for going on a looting rampage....

How else are they supposed to make a living now Amy Winehouse isn't buying skag anymore?

nadroj

9th August 2011, 12:57

Where is the Worlds smallest airport?

Under a scotsman's kilt:

2 hangers and a night fighter......:innocent:

Smifffy

9th August 2011, 15:03

My Gran said to me, "Young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young."

I had to explain, "That's because they aren't trying to f#$% you now."

Swoop

10th August 2011, 12:14

London joins Amy Winehouse and Norway in the growing list of victims of Rupert Murdoch's "Operation Distraction"...

nadroj

10th August 2011, 12:42

Says it all really.244337

tigertim20

10th August 2011, 18:02

Just had a fight with my best mate, he caught me sniffing his sisters panties. Might not have been so bad if she wasnt wearing them at athe time.

Made the rest of the funeral really uncomfortable

Dodgy_Matt

10th August 2011, 22:29

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again". The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
--
Todd was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend Jill walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law" Todd replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her". "Cheer up" Jill said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law". Yeah" Todd answered. "But I got mine pregnant".
--
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

Swoop

12th August 2011, 11:24

My wife walked in on an argument between our son and I. When he ran out of the room crying, I turned to the wife and said, "I wish I'd used a condom now."

Horrified, she said, "What? You wish our son had never been born?"

"No," I replied. "I've got his girlfriend pregnant."

_Shrek_

12th August 2011, 13:35

ah Birthdays :facepalm:

_Shrek_

12th August 2011, 13:42

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

Shadows

13th August 2011, 10:35

The Metro Police will be using water cannons in London tonight -along with a little Persil Plus to stop the coloureds running.

Shadows

13th August 2011, 10:46

A man goes to his doctor for a cock extension.
The doctor suggests that he stitches on a baby elephant's trunk for $3,000.
The man agrees.
Six weeks later he's out having a romantic dinner with his latest date, feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks to himself "this is the night!". While chatting over dessert his cock flies out of his pants, grabs an apple from the table and disappears again.
"Wow!" she said, "can you do that again?".
"My cock can", he replied, "but I don't know if my arse can take another apple".

MSTRS

13th August 2011, 11:55

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Swoop

14th August 2011, 16:03

My mate just said to me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat him to death, the round of applause he'd get would be astounding.":Punk:

MSTRS

14th August 2011, 17:13

tigertim20

14th August 2011, 17:45

My girlfriends a dirty bitch. When I come in her mouth she gargles it, blows bubbles, then lets it dribble down her chin and tits. She may be paralysed but i know she loves it!

I was in Rotorua a while ago and the tour guide asked me if I wanted to see a maori carving. I said hell no I saw a cow calving once and didnt like it one bit!

Swoop

15th August 2011, 08:58

Ironically, in exactly a year's time in London, there will be hundreds of blacks running about trying to take either gold, silver or bronze and it will all be started with the single shot of a pistol.

Dodgy_Matt

15th August 2011, 16:19

A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. "You wanna wank?" she asked. "You bet" came the excited reply. "Okay" she said "I come back in ten minutes".

Dodgy_Matt

15th August 2011, 16:21

"My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her".
"He must have made her very angry peeking at her huh?"
"No, that's not what made her the maddest".
"It's not?"
"No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains".

Dodgy_Matt

15th August 2011, 16:22

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mummy, mummy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Until, that is, Johnny thought for a second and asked "So why do you have so much hair?"

crazyhorse

15th August 2011, 16:52

VIRUS WARNING

> If you feel the need to start housework.
> Stop immediately.
> This virus wipes out your social life.
> If you should come in contact
> with housework go straight
> to the nearest store &
> buy the only known antidote
> which is called CHOCOLATE.
>

Swoop

19th August 2011, 08:17

I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night.

"You're a big lass aren't you?" I said.

"Tell me something I don't know" She replied, with a tear in her eye.

I replied "The salad tastes nice".

Stirts

19th August 2011, 12:51

I love watching my big fat gypsy wedding on tv. Its a show about a community of weird inbred people, with ridiculous customs that don't pay taxes, going mad and spending an over the top amount of money on celebrating occasions.

So naturally I love royal weddings.....

Dodgy_Matt

19th August 2011, 23:33

My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. No sense of humour.

Dodgy_Matt

19th August 2011, 23:34

The woman across the road had the police round to report the fact someone's been stealing her underwear off the washing line... I just about shit her pants!

Dodgy_Matt

19th August 2011, 23:34

I spent three hours at the wife's grave this afternoon... bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

Dodgy_Matt

19th August 2011, 23:35

The other day I asked my mate when it's legal to have sex with young girls. He said "I think it's alright when they've finished school". Apparently 3pm isn't what he meant.

Vacquer0

20th August 2011, 00:27

I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday next to a carload of Muslims, when a big 18-wheeler drove right over the top of their car! Flattened it!

"Wow!" I thought, "That could've been me!"... so I went out and got a commercial driver's license.

_Shrek_

20th August 2011, 13:19

The Offside Rule

I know it's Saturday but!!! :shifty:

Swoop

23rd August 2011, 08:27

Six to four odds say Gaddafi is driving a taxi in central Auckland this time next week.

YellowDog

25th August 2011, 20:26

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants,
concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy
to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,

"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.
I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Swoop

26th August 2011, 10:51

Apparently, baby powder + water does not equal baby.

Dodgy_Matt

26th August 2011, 15:51

Two priests at a Bucking Bronco contest.

The first priest hardly lasts 30 seconds, but the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money.

The first priest says, "I don't know how you do it."

The second replies, "One of my choirboys is an epileptic."

Dodgy_Matt

26th August 2011, 15:53

Wife: Where the hell are you?

Husband: You know that jewellery shop, where you found that necklace you fell in love with?

Wife: Omg, yes! <3

Husband: Yeah, I'm in the pub next door.

dangerous

26th August 2011, 16:31

1st time poster, long time reader...
Why was 6 sceard of 7?

cos 7 8 9 :chase:

MSTRS

26th August 2011, 16:47

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each".

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

And now you know how the stock market works...