Friday jokes

[MSTRS]

I used to date a Siamese twin but she caught me out shagging her sister behind her back.

[YellowDog]

The wife left a note on the fridge last night.

"It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Dad's."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.

Not sure what she was talking about!

[husaberg]

I don't like to brag but......

i gave my lady an orgasm the other day.

Normally you would think this is no big deal but.

She can be a little hard to please at times.

So admittedly i was feeling pretty smug about it.

Well then imagine my surprise when she spat it back out again.

Talk about being hard to please.............

[Swoop]

Last night some Indian walked into the bar I work at.

"Treble vodka and coke please," came the order.

"That will be $6.80," I said.

"You're the only barman who hasn't asked for ID tonight," came the reply.

"Well I can tell from your facial hair you're definitely over 18," I replied.

That's when she stormed off.

[ellipsis]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.

Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.

[Maha]

Akzel.....

[husaberg]

Key 'surprised' by high unemployment rate
Thursday, 08 November 2012, 6:45pm
Source: TV3
New Zealand's unemployment rate has shot up to 7.3 percent, with another 13,000 people out of work in the past three months.

[Stirts]

"Two Dead After 100-Car Pile-Up In Texas"

Tragic, but not as bad as the recent "100 Dead after 2-car pile-up in India"

[Swoop]

Yesterday I underwent a painful procedure that required me to have my spine and both testicles removed.

Still, got some great wedding presents though.

[husaberg]

what's real bad is you volunteered for it as well.............:gob:

[YellowDog]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant,

"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom.

“Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that ratbag and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.“

[Banditbandit]

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young Man drives up and comes to the door. "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"

"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.

"Oh yes," said the young man, "I have a degree in Agriculture from Lincoln University, I know all about it."

"Well, help yourself," said the farmer.

He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.

The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up."Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle vine on the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"

"You don't get honey from honeysuckle !" said the farmer.

Again, the young man explained about his degree from Lincoln, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.

The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussywillow trees down by the creek."

The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!"

[Swoop]

I went into a T-shirt printing shop and said, "I want a purple t shirt with 'JUSTIN BIEBER IS A CUNT' in bright green letters".
The cashier said, "I'm sorry but I can't do that".
I said, "Why not?".
She said, "We're out of green .... I can do blue if you like?"

[MSTRS]

A husband was watching TV while his wife was out cutting the grass during a hot summer day. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife "What's for supper?"

"WHAT!? You sit in the air conditioning all day while I'm out here working! I can't believe you have the nerve to ask me about supper right now! Tell you what - imagine I'm out of town then go inside and figure out dinner for yourself. Asshole!"

The husband went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread and a tall glass of cold beer.

The wife finally finished the lawn and walked in about the time he was finishing up. "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?" "Huh? I thought you were out of town".

The viewing is Monday from 2-4 and funeral is Tuesday at 2 o'clock.

[_Shrek_]

Some US states recently legalised gay marriage and marijuana on the same day.

Leviticus 20:13 – “if a man lays with another man, as with a woman, he should be stoned.”

It all makes sense now. We’ve just been interpreting it wrongly.

[YellowDog]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over hismouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.




A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'




He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'




Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her ebarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.




Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'








The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,




'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....



' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s-back ?'

[DMNTD]

I raced a Harley the other day, and after some really hard riding I finally managed to pass the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really, twisting sections of Mountain road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the curves have warning signs that say "15 MPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. Three corners later, I was on his tail. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and outpower me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.

My only hope was to out brake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant, I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead, and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the mountain, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. Though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the mountain.

I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedaled so hard in my life. And some of the credit must go to Raleigh, as well. They really make a great bicycle.

[Banditbandit]

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut from 72 to only 45. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings, and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.OM.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members, and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press: "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is very unfair."

Speaking from his lean-to in the West Midlands town of Tipton , where he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting wages, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my members that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle , Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow and Australia stated that they would be unaffected, as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.

MeAnwhile, apparently, the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are no longer so keen on going to paradise.

[MSTRS]

In hindsight, my Facebook post should probably have said "I've blown the head gasket on my 1998 Ford XR3" rather than "I've just fucked a fourteen year old escort". The police still haven't seen the funny side of it, and they've confiscated my laptop.

[Swoop]

I was talking to my mate Kev in the pub.
I said, "I've just got a tattoo of my wife's face right across my back".
Kev said, "Wow, you must really love her?"
I said, "Not really ... It's likely I'll be going to prison tomorrow and I'm hoping it'll put people off".

[DMNTD]

Apparently 80% of people on the planet have used condoms.
I think that's disgusting, I always throw mine away.

[pete376403]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.The daughter said to her mother,


'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,

'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied,

'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.



The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, 'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied

'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.



The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,

'My penis is frozen solid.'



The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,
And she asks,

'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned the mother said,

'Why yes..... Why do you ask?'

The daughter replies,
'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'

[Swoop]

So Kate Middleton is pregnant..

I thought that it was government policy to discourage people who don't work from having kids?





Kate Middleton has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boys name at the moment.

We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed.

[5150]

Prince William is very happy with his wife's pregnancy as it saved him heaps on the boob job he was going to get her for Xmas this year

[DMNTD]

for those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of english:

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila...... Floor.

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

4. The main reason that santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

7. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

9. Is there another word for synonym?

10. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

14. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them?

15. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

17. If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

18. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

19. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

20. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

21. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

22. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

23. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

24. How is it possible to have a civil war?

25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

26. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

29. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

30. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

31. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

32. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

34. Why do shops have signs, 'guide dogs only', the dogs can't read and their owners are blind?

[ellipsis]

Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"
Bride says "Well . . . . .I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse!!!"

[Berries]

Couldn't have been Irish then.

:msn-wink:

[DMNTD]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.


One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast. :)

[Swoop]

Antivirus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges.

If they catch him they estimate the trial could last 30 days...

[ellipsis]

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!".


[DMNTD]

I went to Bangkok for an operation on my testicles. the nurse cupped my balls and said "don't worry it's normal to get an erection
when i do this" I said " but I don't have an erection" She replied "no but I do"

[Madness]

What's long, hard and fucks Polynesians?














Primary School.

[KiWiP]

A bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says,

"You remind me of my little toe"

She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"

He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk."

Almost brings a tear to your eye

[Stirts]

It all makes sense now.
Gay marriage and marijuana being legalised on the same day.

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned"

We've just been interpreting it wrong all this time.

[roogazza]

Wednesday, hump day.

274518274519

[Maha]

What's long, hard and fucks Polynesians?


Primary School.

Reminds me of a late 1970's bad taste joke...Whats Big White and Fucks Kiwis?

[Geeen]

28 November Some US states recently legalised gay marriage and marijuana on the same day.

Leviticus 20:13 – “if a man lays with another man, as with a woman, he should be stoned.”

It all makes sense now. We’ve just been interpreting it wrongly.


Today It all makes sense now.
Gay marriage and marijuana being legalised on the same day.

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned"

We've just been interpreting it wrong all this time.

Um???????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????/

[Madness]

Reminds me of a late 1970's bad taste joke...Whats Big White and Fucks Kiwis?

Mt Erebus?

[haydes55]

Reminds me of a late 1970's bad taste joke...Whats Big White and Fucks Kiwis?

Muldoon? Before my time, so could be a decade or 2 out with my guess haha

[_Shrek_]

Um???????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????/

:laugh: well it was funny & some may have missed it :msn-wink:

[Maha]

Muldoon? Before my time, so could be a decade or 2 out with my guess haha

Mr Madness is correct....the irony being, there were not many Kiwis on that flight.

[Daffyd]

Mr Madness is correct....the irony being, there were not many Kiwis on that flight.

I beg to differ. Even having grown up in Invercargill I knew two personally, (one was quite a close friend,) and knew of several more!

[Virago]

Wednesday, hump day...

It's Tuesday - you lose...

[Banditbandit]

Mt Erebus?

Whoop Whoop - pull up pull up !!!!

[Banditbandit]

Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Aggie, half his age, in a small coastal Scottish Isle community.

After several months, Aggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Scotts women are entitled to a climax at least once in a while.

To resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere on the Burin Peninsula.

The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax. He told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

The couple hired a strong young man from Port Auld Basques to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Aggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet.

The Vet said for Aggie to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Stan waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Aggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:"And that, me son, is how ya waves a fockin' towel !!

[Swoop]

Life as a penguin can be frustrating.

Even when you're seriously pissed off and waddle off in a huff, you still look fucking cute.

[Swoop]

Vegetarian: "I refuse to eat meat because I'm at one with Mother Nature and I believe that slaughtering innocent animals purely for food or pleasure is morally wrong".

"Yeah? Well, lets put you in a cage with a tiger and see if Mother Nature agrees with you..."

[Banditbandit]

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their 10th wedding anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession: Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years ! I cannot hold your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit ?'

She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name was "Brian" and I played rugby for Wales . . ....'

[Stirts]

Vegetarian: "I refuse to eat meat because I'm at one with Mother Nature and I believe that slaughtering innocent animals purely for food or pleasure is morally wrong".

"Yeah? Well, lets put you in a cage with a tiger and see if Mother Nature agrees with you..."


Vegetarian noun {vej-i-tair-ee-uhn} prehistoric for shit at hunting

[Virago]

http://inlog.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/vegan-vs-carnivore-e1263308124344.jpg

[MSTRS]

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

[Maha]

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

Pity it wont be Equinox, its worth 45 points as a triple word score.

[MSTRS]

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. ...then said, "That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"
"Not really," he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

[MIXONE]

You know I'm still kind of pissed off that they never told us how to get to Sesame Street...

[Swoop]

THE FUTURE OF SCOTLAND
If Scotland gains its independence after the forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the Former United Kingdom (F.U.K.).

In a bid to discourage the Scots from voting 'Yes' in the referendum, Unionists have now begun a campaign with the slogan: Please Vote No For FUK's Sake!
About which they feel the Scottish people can relate.
Particularly Glaswegians!

[kevfromcoro]

whats big ,, round an black, and fuks hedgehogs??

a Firestone radial

[Stirts]

I hate it when people say, "You look like you've been dragged through a bush backwards."

I was born via caesarean.

[DMNTD]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk,
a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an
Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an
Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a
Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a
Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a
Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a
Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a
Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan,
an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian,
a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, aHungarian, a Canadian, a
Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a
Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an
Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian,
a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a
Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino,
a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a
Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an
Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,

...Walk into a fine restaurant.



"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group





"You can't come in here without a Thai. "

[wharekura]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman,...
Bloody racist - yet another example of Maori being excluded. Prick.

[DMNTD]

Bloody racist - yet another example of Maori being excluded. Prick.

It did say "...Walk into a fine restaurant " so thought it prudent to keep it realistic.

Te bleh e hoa!

[huff3r]

Bloody racist - yet another example of Maori being excluded. Prick.

It said New Zealander... or are Maori special, and better than the average kiwi? :Oops:

[Laava]

It said New Zealander... or are Maori special, and better than the average kiwi? :Oops:

He was joking.

[Maha]

He was joking.

Who was? the Maori?

[_Shrek_]

It said New Zealander... or are Maori special, and better than the average kiwi? :Oops:

:scratch: but my mummy always said I was special :confused:

[Akzle]

:scratch: but my mummy always said I was special :confused:

she dresses you funny, too.

[Swoop]

Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please."

"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"

"Fuck off you cunt!" he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.

[DMNTD]

A Policeman on his horse says to little girl on her bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," she replies.

"Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year," and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the Policeman and says, "Nice
horse you've got there. Did Santa bring you that too?"

The Policeman chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year, tell Santa the fuckin dick goes under the horse, not on top of it"!

[wharekura]

It did say "...Walk into a fine restaurant " so thought it prudent to keep it realistic.
I was being realistic http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10804326

[Stirts]

I was being realistic http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10804326


"and of solid to fat build"...

No shit, they tried to rob a restaurant!!! :killingme


Mole and Chicken? I didn't know prostitution was subject to certain restrictions, you can get a root if you buy a feed.

[roogazza]

So, no Christmas then ??

274828

[Stirts]

If the Mayans were any good at predicting the future then there would still be Mayans.

[imdying]

There are :facepalm:

[Stirts]

There are :facepalm:

Should I be going into detail about the "collapse" between the Classic and Postclassic periods, or shall we just enjoy a farking giggle

*sigh*

[onearmedbandit]

Should I be going into detail about the "collapse" between the Classic and Postclassic periods,

Yes please.

[Stirts]

Yes please.

Ok so, around 100 AD...

274831

[imdying]

Should I be going into detail about the "collapse" between the Classic and Postclassic periods, or shall we just enjoy a farking giggle

*sigh*Hard to enjoy something baseless.

[mashman]

Hard to enjoy something baseless.

You're saying that all jokes are funny because they're true :shit:

[onearmedbandit]

You're saying that all jokes are funny because they're true :shit:

The best ones are.

[Swoop]

Am I the only one who thinks the Pope tweeting from an iPad is a bad idea?

The last time Adam and Eve used an Apple, shit didn't end well...

[oneofsix]

Latest research (http://www.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/news/article.cfm?c_id=6&objectid=10855313) say squeezing the breast can not only help prevent breast cancer but also revert the cells to normal. I promised the Mrs I would spend the rest of my days ensuring she avoids breast cancer. She replied as if it was a Tui ad but didn't bring me a beer.

[5150]

Ok so, around 100 AD...



oh Shit

And I thought you said you had a period. :facepalm:

[YellowDog]

Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says,
"I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend".
The florist looks at him and says, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"
"A fuck ", Paddy replies.

[sidecar bob]

Should I be going into detail about the "collapse" between the Classic and Postclassic periods, or shall we just enjoy a farking giggle

*sigh*

That happened ages ago. We have been running pre '76 in with pre '63 since I started racing.

[Maha]

Latest research (http://www.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/news/article.cfm?c_id=6&objectid=10855313) say squeezing the breast can not only help prevent breast cancer but also revert the cells to normal. I promised the Mrs I would spend the rest of my days ensuring she avoids breast cancer. She replied as if it was a Tui ad but didn't bring me a beer.

Same with testicular Cancer...just remember not to cough/sneeze or clear ones throat whilst said pills are being squeezed.
You may never find............ever again.

[Stirts]

oh Shit

And I thought you said you had a period. :facepalm:

There's no spam going in my inbox today.


That happened ages ago. We have been running pre '76 in with pre '63 since I started racing.

:killingme

[DMNTD]

Chortles! Good one for the holiday season

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/vjwwqMJdxn0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[<G>]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the Pearly Gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the Pearly Gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Paddy replied, 'These are Carol's.'

[MSTRS]

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. "Something that buzzes and is guaranteed to drive me crazy" she replied. So I bought her a pet mosquito.

[Drew]

What makes nine out of ten people happy?





Gang rape!

[Daffyd]

A young female teacher was giving her class of six year olds a quiz "behind my back I've got something red, round and you can eat it. what is it?" she asked. "an apple" replied little Raymond "no," said the teacher " it's a tomato but it shows what you are thinking."

"I've now got something round, a greenish colored you can eat it." "An apple," replied little Ian "No it's an onion, but it shows what you are thinking."

Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class says "I've got something under my desk that's an inch long, white and it has a red end." "Dirty little boy," said the teacher "No it's a match, but it shows what you are thinking," he answered.

[Daffyd]

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, with a
gun in her hand. As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde
took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled mightily and managed to flip the gator onto its
back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration :

"DAMMIT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

[Swoop]

I'm sure the plane that just flew past was piloted by a woman.

It had its indicator on for no apparent reason!

[MSTRS]

Pah! More likely to be piloted by some douche from Hawkes Bay....looking for a roundabout to do the opposite of what the indicator says they will do.

[5150]

Atleast they indicated, unlike most other cagers out there

[Akzle]

FUCKSAKE

jokes thread guys.... tits or GTFO.

[YellowDog]

FUCKSAKE

jokes thread guys.... tits or GTFO.

http://assets.diylol.com/hfs/9ab/ca6/56d/resized/nice-tits-meme-generator-come-here-greg-suck-my-titties-2e2455.jpg

[Akzle]

[IMG]]

i would totally be her greg.

[5150]

i would totally be her greg.

You can always suck my hairy ass as a consolation prize :cool:

[BoristheBiter]

You can always suck my hairy ass as a consolation prize :cool:

For akzle that would be a bonus prize.

[Maha]

Boxing Day Sales.... :killingme

[Maha]

For akzle that would be a bonus prize.

.....and he would take his teeth out for the performance.

[husaberg]

.....and he would take his teeth out for the performance.

I would be surprised if Assaxel had many teeth..................
If you don't get that one akzle, ask another smart fellow like yourself................

[Swoop]

"What would you give me if I bought you a lottery ticket for Christmas and you won $10 million on it?" I asked the lads at work today.

"2 million" said Dave, the Christian.

"1 million" said Sunil, the Hindu.

"I'd give you half the money," said Yossi the Jew.

"Really?" I asked, surprised.

"Yes," he replied "a ticket's $6- so I'd give you $3-."

[Daffyd]

4 guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids. The first guy said, "my son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. Hes so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for Christmas. The second guy said, "damn, that's terrific! my son is also the pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a Christmas gift! the third man said. "well that's terrific! my son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive Christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion! the 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for? one of the three guys said, "were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... "What about your son?" they asked the 4th guy. the fourth man replied, " my son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said, " that's a shame...what a disappointment. The fourth man replied. " nah, im not ashamed hes my son and i love him..and he hasn't done too badly either. Just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 boyfriends.

[Daffyd]

The Wife Came Home Early From Work And Found Her Husband In Bedroom Doing Love To A Very Attractive Young Woman.

She Cried: “You Are A Disrespectful Pig! How Dare You Do This To Me — A Faithful Wife, The Mother Of Your Children! I’m Leaving You. I Want A Divorce Right Away!”

Husband Replied: “Hang On Just A Minute Love So At Least I Can Tell You What Happened.”

She Sobbed: “Fine, Go Ahead, But They’ll Be The Last Words You’ll Say To Me!”

And The Husband Began –

Well, I Was Getting Into The Car To Drive Home, And This Young Lady Here Asked Me For A Lift.

She Looked So Down And Out And Defenseless That I Took Pity On Her And Let Her Into The Car.

I Noticed That She Was Very Thin, Not Well Dressed And Very Dirty. She Told Me That She Hadn’t Eaten For Three Days.

So, In My Compassion, I Brought Her Home And Warmed Up The Enchiladas I Made For You Last Night, The Ones You Wouldn’t Eat Because You’re Afraid You’ll Put On Weight.

Since She Needed A Good Clean-Up, I Suggested A Shower, And While She Was Doing That, I Noticed Her Clothes Were Dirty And Full Of Holes, So I Threw Them Away.

Then, As She Needed Clothes, I Gave Her The Designer Jeans That You Have Had For A Few Years, But Don’t Wear Because You Say They Are Too Tight.

I Also Gave Her The Underwear That Was Your Anniversary Present, Which You Don’t Wear Because I Don’t Have Good Taste.

I Found The Sexy Blouse My Sister Gave You For Christmas That You Don’t Wear Just To Annoy Her, And I Also Donated Those Boots You Bought At The Expensive Boutique And Don’t Wear Because Someone At Work Has A Pair The Same.

The Husband Took A Quick Breath And Continued: “She Was So Grateful For My Understanding And Help That As I Walked Her To The Door, She Turned To Me With Tears In Her Eyes And Said,

“Please … Do You Have Anything Else That Your Wife Doesn’t Use?“

[DMNTD]

Ah the joy of ageing.... A 70 year old, an 80 year old, and a 90 year old are sitting on a park bench. The 70 year old says, "Man... It SUCKS being old... I'd do anything to be able to have a regular pee without pain again!" The 80 year old says, "Are you kidding? I'd do anything to have a regular bowel movement!" The 90 year old says, "Ah, you youngsters , I don't know what you're complaining about! See, at 7:00 every morning, I take a pain free pee, then at. At 8:00 every morning, I have a huge, healthy bowel movement... I just wish I could wake up before 9:00..."

[Daffyd]

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.

"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.

"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.

"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.

Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."

"A what?" asked the builder.

"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"

A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."

"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"

"A pond" the builder replied.

"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."

"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.

"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."

The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."

"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."

"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.

The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."

"Never!" the builder exclaimed.

"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"

The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"

"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."

"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.

"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"

"No" replied his mate.

"Well, you're a wanker then!"

[Daffyd]

Little Johnnie's father took him to class his first day of school. Johnnie's dad pulled the teacher aside and told her, Johnnie has a bad gambling problem so don't make a bet with him you can't win. The teacher agreed. When the teacher was passing out the text books Johnny said, teach I'll make a bet with you,she replied ok what? Johnny said I'll bet you fifty dollars I can tell you what color panties you have on. she agreed and told him after the last bell he was to stay in the room and then he could guess. while Johnny and the class were at recess the teacher took her panties off and put them in her purse. when school was out Johnny stayed in the classroom and the teacher locked the door and said okay Johnny what color are they? He replied yellow. so the teacher raised her dress and said no your wrong, I'm not wearing any. Johnny asked her to walk him out to his dads car and he would get her money. so as Johnny passed his dad going to the car the teacher told his dad that Johnny finally got beat. He said what do you mean she said Johnny bet me fifty dollars he could tell me what color panties I had on so I took them off. The father replied that son of a bitch he bet me a hundred dollars he could see your pussy before the end of the day.

[Daffyd]

Finished and Complete:

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words.

In a recent linguistic competition held in London, attended by the best in the world, this explanation was the clear winner.

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.

And when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

[DMNTD]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night; face all covered in fresh
blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him
about where he got it. He told them to piss off & let him get some
sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited
bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled round him,
tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in frenzy.
"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I f**king didn't!"

[mashman]

Demba Ba has completed his £7million move from Newcastle United to Chelsea, after his wife agreed personal terms with John Terry.

[Daffyd]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train."

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."

"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss."

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had enough and leaned over and said into the phone,

"Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

Cell phone etiquette, ya think ?

[Reckless]

In Pain
A Gorgeous young redhead went along to the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible” said the doctor “show me?”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed on her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed, likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream??
The doctor said ‘you’re not really a redhead are you?’
Well no,’ she said, ‘I’m actually blonde.’
‘ I thought so’ the doctor said. ‘Your finger is broken.’

[DMNTD]

An over weight guy goes to the weight loss centre to sign up for a treatment when they tell him they have a new high speed weight loss program.Theres 3 stages you can choose from, 10kg per week, 15kg per week or 25 kg per week weight loss.

He says great sign me up, I'll try the 10kg.

They said be ready at 8am tomorrow morning in joggers and shorts.

8am the next morning the most beautiful girl he has ever seen shows up in tight little shorts and a little crop top that had "if you can catch me you can have sex with me " written on the top. So off he races after her, same thing every morning for a week, he never catches her but losses 10kg.

He calls the company saying great program can I do the 15kg one next? They tell him no problem be ready at 8am.

8am he answers his door to an even prettier girl in very sexy knickers and a small bra and she hands him a card that said "if you can catch me you can have sex with me" off she runs with him after her, again he never catches her but losses 15kg.

He calls the company again saying this is amazing, I've lost 25kg's and loving it, I would like the 25kg program next please.

They say are you sure sir? It is our hardest program.

He is excited at what he will be chasing next so says "yep I'll be ready at 8am.

8am the next morning he opens his door and there is a large guy in a g-string and gimp mask and on his shirt it says "if I catch you, I'm going to have sex with you"

[DMNTD]

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl... with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits

[Swoop]

My mate just said, "What's your favourite mythical creature?"

I said, "Those happy women in Tampax adverts."

[pzkpfw]

My mate just said, "What's your favourite mythical creature?"

I said, "Those happy women in Tampax adverts."

How do you think they came up with that tampon soaked in Vodka fad?

[Stirts]

How do you think they came up with that tampon soaked in Vodka fad?

Tampini anyone?

[Madness]

Tampini anyone?

You can stick that up yer arse!

[Crasherfromwayback]

What's the best thing about having sex with 23 year olds?













There's 20 of them.

[Madness]

What's the best thing about having sex with twenty-three year olds?

Fixed it for ya. I remember Dpex saying the same thing.

[Crasherfromwayback]

Fixed it for ya. I remember Dpex saying the same thing.

Sick MoFo.

[Daffyd]

A: I just put milk in my washing machine. I think I must be an idiot!

B: I do that all the time.

A: What, you put milk in your washing machine?

B: No, think you're an idiot!

[Swoop]

"I just had a brush with the law at work today." said my wife, excitedly, as she walked in the door.

She's been a cleaner at the police station for five years and still thinks that's fucking funny. :rolleyes:

[DMNTD]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says
the wife, "I want a divorce."
"Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the
Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant
with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is much better looking." says the wife......

[Swoop]

What's the difference between a Jew and a Muslim?

Who cares! More bacon for me.

[Daffyd]

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.
They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.
Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on dvd.
I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?”
Well that was when the trouble started...

[DMNTD]

A man is at his wife's bedside while she is dying and she turns to him and says "my love I have to confess to you before I die"
He says "there is nothing to confess hunny, just relax and be comfortable"
She says "No I must confess, I slept with your brother, his best friend and your father"
He says "I know, that's why I poisoned you"

[DMNTD]

An Italian man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law.
She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

[Stirts]

Marriage is like an Advent calendar...

It costs a fucking fortune, is a massive disappointment and the only way you can get the flaps open is if there's chocolate involved.

[Swoop]

Good on Lance Armstrong for finally having the ball to come clean.

[MSTRS]

After weeks of experiencing the hot, sweaty foliage... coming across countless creepy crawlies and other vile creatures, surviving only on the bugs around me... I've finally found Susan Boyle's clitoris.

[Daffyd]

A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.



Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

[YellowDog]

A good friend has just been fired from his job with the 111 Emergency call centre in Auckland. A man called Abdul phoned and said, "I'm depressed and lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come, so I can finally meet Allah". Apparently "Remain calm and stay on the line" was the wrong response.

[jimichelle]

rangi was up before the judge on possession of a knife and got 12mths jail
whitu was up before the judge on possession of a gun got 18mths jail
riumu was up before the judge for having 60 cents the judge sentenced him to 5 years in jail
the judge said in summing up he was aware he just had 60cents in his pocket but it showed clear indications he was saving up for a weapon

[Banditbandit]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 9 year-old pupils. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says

Suzy, Johnny's little sister, raises her hand. 'I had a pussy-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," Suzy began, 'I was in the back garden with my little cat and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence right into our garden!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It certainly was,' said Suzy. 'My kitten raised her back, and went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say "Fuck-off!," the Rottweiler ate her!'

[Swoop]

I've finally accomplished my dream of winning the same amount of Tours De France as Lance Armstrong.
Zero.



Lance Armstrong has denied ever using drugs, but he has admitted pedalling.




I just caught something on the radio about Armstrong being stripped of his titles.
So is he not the first man on the moon anymore?




So Lance Armstrong was banned for cheating.
I bet the lying bastard didn't really beat cancer either.




I'm really disappointed in Lance Armstrong.
He's making innocent young drug users think cycling is cool.




Felix Baumgartner, Officially the highest sportsman since Lance Armstrong.




"Beating cancer made me stronger."
No Lance, I think you'll find it was steroids.




What a result for Lance Armstrong.
He now has more bollocks than he does Tour De France medals.




Just bought the new lance Armstrong livestrong arm band. You wear it higher on your arm and tie it off.





Looks like the French finally found someone they could win a war against, even though it took years.
A guy with one testicle.





If the Jimmy Saville and Lance Armstrong cases have taught us anything it is this:
Don't trust people that do lots of charity work.





I reckon Lance Armstrong misread what he was taking. He thought he was taking addabollock steroids





Lance is an anagram of clean, ironically.





I hope the irony is not lost that Lance Armstrong titled his book "It's not about the Bike".
How right he was!





Turns out that wasn't a yellow jersey Lance Armstrong was wearing...
It was simply his true colours shining through.




Oprah commented on the Lance Armstrong interview: "At the end of it... we both were pretty exhausted. And I would say I was satisfied,"
Sounds like it’s not just cycling he fucked…




Lance Armstrong got emotional during his Oprah interview, but numerous sources are reporting that he used performance enhancing onions.




Lance Armstrong has a new bracelet coming out.
It will reflect upon his past and will be inscribed with the words...
Lived Wrong!




Strange that Lance was able to cheat the reaper but not the world cycling authorities.

[DMNTD]

nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

[Daffyd]

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
salesmanship .
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good", said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said,
"I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny 's turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box
full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny . "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny , "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.

[Daffyd]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of the animal one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away.
He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away,
turn right,
then left, past the bridge,
then right again
and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife:
"Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes",
the wife answers,
"why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered,
"Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

[YellowDog]

Registry on the first day back at school in Birmingham, ENGLAND.

The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:-

"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here"
"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here"
"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here"
"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here"
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here"
"Ali Son al En” - silence in the classroom.
"Ali Son al En" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room.

The teacher repeated the call.

A girl stood up and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Alison Allen.

[Swoop]

I was sitting at work today with my feet on my desk, smoking a spliff and watching porn on the computer, when suddenly my boss walked in.

He said, "Dave, put your coat on and fuck off home."

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Of course I'm sure!" he replied.

Best first day ever!
I hope he's always this nice.

[5150]

Dear Diary


Today I bought an old BMW 535i. :facepalm: Hope I can afford the fuel bill :scratch:

[unstuck]

Dear Diary, I am an idiot. :facepalm: :scratch:

Fixed that for ya.:niceone:

[5150]

Fixed that for ya.:niceone:

They see me rollin........:scooter:

[unstuck]

They see me rollin........:scooter:

Surely it has not got spinning hubcaps and a big bore exhaust, with tinted windows and some bigass booty bitches in the back.:devil2:

[Daffyd]

It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I
wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United
Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while
making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably
deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to
deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A
single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try
to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm
sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that
the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her
public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir,
you'll have to get in line for that, too."

[Daffyd]

I was chatting to my neighbour Abdul this morning about his wife.

“I just wish she had bigger tits,” he said.

“Give her time, mate,” I replied, “She’s only 12.”

[YellowDog]

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Knock knock.

Who's there?

"Doorbell repair man"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home"

Susie says, "We need a computer"

Wendy says, "We need a car"

Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss"

Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"

"No Miss, my sister came home with her new Paki boyfriend and my Dad said 'That's all we f---ing need!'"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.

They're brilliant.

It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.

I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames Barrier in London .

Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it all before.
Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.

I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.

Dyslexic bitch , it turns out that she loves Alan, my best mate......

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church, you daft c**t !!!"

His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"

Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Love is like a fart.

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper.
Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Life is like a penis.

Soft and hanging freely.

It's women that make it hard

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I was getting chatted up by a bird last night.

She said, "Have you got a nickname?"

"Yes" I said, "They call me Sledge"

"OH... Is that because you a sleek and fast?" she giggled

"No...... It's because I get pulled by dogs!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"

"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"

That spider never knew what f******g hit it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The 200 Polish fans arrested after yesterday's game have been found guilty of violent disorder and been
deported back to England .

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, "I think the romance in this relationship is dead"

I wish she wouldn't talk to me while I'm having a wank.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.

She says that it makes here sleepy and her bum sore.

[Swoop]

I said to my wife, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

She said, "I don't know."

I said, "To get to the stupid bitches house."

She said, "I don't get it."

I said, "Okay then. Knock knock."

She said, "Who's there?"

I said, "The chicken!"

[Daffyd]

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

[mashman]

The Time Machine.



Barak Obama and David Cameron are in a time machine which can see
100 years into the future.

They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

Barak goes first. “What will the USA be like in 100 years time”

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a
printout, he reads it out:-
"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is
non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are
no worries”

David thinks “Its not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that”
so he asks “What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

David just stares at it.

“Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say”?

Dave replies,

“Fucked if I know ! It's all in Arabic!”

[YellowDog]

Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are ok.
Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds
of trouble.
Lady swings into action, removes her panties and spreads her legs ....
Doctor:
No! No!No! Please put back your clothes ... just show me your tongue!

[FJRider]

I was in a pub the other night and heard three girls with an overabundance of flesh, talking at the bar.


Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them screeched, "It's WALES , you bloody idiot!"


So I apologized and replied,


"I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"


And...that's the last thing I remember....

[haydes55]

What's the difference between Jews and boy scouts?


Boy scouts come back from their camps.

[DMNTD]

A novice priest straight out of training is transferred to a small convent. On his first day he goes into the local town.
Within ten minutes, he's approached by a scantily dressed woman who says 'Hello Father, fancy a blow job for 20 quid?"
Bemused, he walks on without saying anything. This happens three times before he returns to the convent.

Mother Superior asks if he enjoyed his first trip out. "Oh yes" he replies, "but I have one question - what's a blow job?"
Mother Superior sidles up close and whispers "20 quid, same price as in town......."

[DMNTD]

So a fella is sitting in an Irish pub looking out of the window. He sees 2 guys, one digging a hole then the other filling it...This happens every few metres up the street and back down again towards him. Intrigued he steps outside and asks them what they are doing.
"Well" says Mick, "we are usually a 3 man team employed by the Council to plant trees but Paddy is off sick today"

[doc]

DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA



August 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in
Karratha , Western Australia ....Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a
deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new
home. I love it here.



September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure
to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no
blasted rain like back in Leeds !!September 30- Had the back yard landscaped
with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns
for me! Another scorcher today, but I love it here. It's Paradise !



October 10 - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people
get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the
flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.



October 15 - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over
60% of my body. Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do.. Got to
respect the old sun in a climate like this!



October 20 - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I
left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work,
Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the
upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned my
lesson though: no more pets in this heat.



October 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fucking blow
dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and
the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order
parts from fucking Perth .......The wife & the kids are complaining. October
30 - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for
the fucking air conditioner. House is an oven so we've all been sleeping
outside by the pool for3 nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even
go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?



November 4 - Finally got the fucking air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500
and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes
it feel about 35. Stupid repairman. Fucking thief.



November 8 - If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm
going to fucking throttle him. Fucking heat! By the time I get to work, the
car radiator is boiling over, my fucking clothes are soaking fucking wet and
I smell like baked cat. Fucking place is the end of the Earth.



November 9 - Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on
the black leather upholstery in my car. I thought my fucking arse was on
fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off
my fucking arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked
cat. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.



November 10 - The Weather report might as well be a fucking recording.. Hot
and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fucking sunny. It never fucking changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 fucking months and the weatherman
says it might really warm up next week. Fuck!



November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fucking place? Water
restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and
blow into the fucking pool. The only things that thrive in this fucking
hell-hole are the fucking flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of
swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!



November 20 - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today. Now the
air conditioner gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot
enough for you today?' I wanted to shove the fucking car up his fucking
arse. Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of
jail for assaulting the stupid prick. Fucking Karratha! What kind of sick,
demented fucking idiot would want to live here!



December 1 - WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!! You are fucking kidding
me!

[DMNTD]

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.....

[YellowDog]

__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to New Zealand so that they can see their own doctor.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____

A Negro has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The KKK School of Diving claim they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____

Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $5/min (charges may vary).
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.
Bound to end in tears though; - she's crap at snooker.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.
I love my new taser!
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I'm wrong but I think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months
is NOT going to shift this beer belly !
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____

[MSTRS]

A fat, ugly, cross eyed ginger bird came dancing up next to me at a party.
"So, where are you from, handsome?" she smiled.
I said "Earth. What about you?"

[Crasherfromwayback]

I was in a bar when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and asked me for my phone number…
"have you got a pen?" I asked, she smiled and said yes. I said "well you'd better fuck off back to it before the farmer notices you're missing…"

[Crasherfromwayback]

Sol Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a bad accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife!! Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!" "I hope you're proud of yourself!" "While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!" "It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."


The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed...

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just screwing with you,....she's dead. What'd you shoot?"

[Stirts]

Music Score from 50 Shades of Grey ...

277500

[Swoop]

Amsterdam is a lot like the Tour de France.

It's just a lot of people on drugs riding bikes.

[Maha]

Six out seven dwarfs, are not Happy.

[Swoop]

"In the beginning, man created God".


Plus some piccies.
277556277557277558277559277560277561

[unstuck]

I fuckin love that last pic.:Punk::Punk:

[Banditbandit]

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

[DMNTD]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.
The first dwarf, however is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, Here I come again! ONE , TWO, THREE,...UGH!
ONE, TWO, THREE,...UGH!..Here I come again..ONE ,TWO ,THREE ..UGH!
This goes on for the whole hour.

Later back at the bar, the the second dwarf asked the first,
"How did it go?"..The first dwarf mutters "it was embarrassing
" I just couldn't get an erection." The second Dwarf shook his head.
You think that was embarrassing? "I couldn't get on the bed."

[Swoop]

Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.

[JakeTehMuss]

Louis CK may be a pessimist, but he's a funny one:

"It's hard to start again after a marriage. It's hard to really, like, look at somebody and go, hey, maybe something nice will happen. You just don't - I know too much about life to have any optimism because I know even if it's nice, it's going to lead to shit. I know that if you smile at somebody, and they smile back, you've just decided that something shit is going to happen.

You might have a nice couple of dates, but then she'll stop calling you back. Or you'll date for a long time, and then she'll have sex with one of your friends, or you will with one of hers. Or you'll get married, and it won't work out, and you'll get divorced and split your friends and money, and that's horrible. Or you'll meet the perfect person, who you love infinitely, and you even argue well, and you grow together, and you have children, and then you get old together, and then she's going to die.

That's the best-case scenario."

[Banditbandit]

A man and his wife moved back home to Cork, from London. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Cork, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: “Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.”

[Daffyd]

A wife asks her husband,
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."



A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.



The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"



He replied, "They had avocados."





If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!



Men will get it the first time.

[YellowDog]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she
had just got married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her
questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again
at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral
director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her
first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a
few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. after a short
time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining
that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a
circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's,
and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at
her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such
diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the
show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[MSTRS]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just buried her fourth husband.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, and how each husband died.
She replied that the first, second and third husbands all died of mushroom poisoning.
"Utterly tragic" said the interviewer, "and how did the fourth husband die?"
She replied "He wouldn't eat his mushrooms"

[Swoop]

Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with...

How the fuck did two sticks win?

[Crasherfromwayback]

Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with...

How the fuck did two sticks win?

Maybe it was an attempt to get the fat cunts to stop eating it so quickly.

[Swoop]

My dream job of driving trucks in Australia turned into a nightmare when I broke down in the outback hundreds of miles from civilisation.

After two days the water ran out and I started drinking my own urine. After another three days I could no longer recycle my piss and realised I was out of options and had to accept the inevitable.

So I opened some of the Fosters I was delivering.

[DMNTD]

Two Indian guys turn up to a fancy dress party and ring the door bell. A young lady in classic Indian dress opens the door a little freaked out and finds the guy totally naked with his cock in a bowl of custard. The second one has his cock rammed into a pear. She is absolutely horrified and yells at them "this is a respectable fancy dress party, not a perverted freak show! What on earth do you think you are doing?" The proud young Indian man looks up at her and says in strong Bangladesh accent, "oh golly gosh, we have come as emotions." "what the hell are you talking about she says?" "Well i am fucking discustard and he is indispear!"

[YellowDog]

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night. They were called
“Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant. Their last song “Living on a Prayer
Mat” almost brought the house down. Then this Muslim bloke started
bragging about how he had the entire Koran on dvd. I was interested so
I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?” Well, that was when the trouble
started................

[george formby]

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my
swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need
to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the
fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play
the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the
caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the
ball towards his voice."



"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of
the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play
the ball towards his voice."

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for
that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie: "Pick a night......any night!"

[YellowDog]

A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Kathleen, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Kathleen replied, "Well Gerry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason."

Gerry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"
Kathleen said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Gerry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?" Gerry asked,

"And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," says Gerry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," said Kathleen. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

[DMNTD]

The Bridge

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over any time I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied:
'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[MSTRS]

A woman asks her man to whisper dirty things in her ear. He responds with "Kitchen, Bathroom, Toilet".

[Swoop]

Wanted. Sexist homophobe to keep Christians following blindly without question. Must be good with kids.

Apply
The Vatican

[Banditbandit]

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. Picked him up in a night club.

He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement…!

That's when I thought “Wait a minute…”

[Swoop]

The Pope has quit.

It's not the first time a German has ended his leadership unexpectedly after being followed blindly by a bunch of brainwashed idiots.

[Daffyd]

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

[Swoop]

Three guys die and go to Hell.

Satan asks the first guy, "What was your fathers profession when you were alive?"

"He was a candle maker."

So, Satan burns off the guy's penis.

Satan asks the second guy, "What was your fathers profession when you were alive?"

"He was a rope maker." So, Satan rips off the guy's penis with a rope.

The Third guy starts pissing himself at this point and Satan, turning to him, says

"What's so funny"

The guy smiles and says, "My father made lollipops."

[Goblin]

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat Burgers from
Tesco.
Her condition is said to be stable

Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle..

Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger.
So I had a £5 each way !

Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter The pony
that she's always wanted!

had some burgers from tesco for my tea last night....
I still have a bit between my teeth

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn

anyone want a burger from Tesco? yay or neigh?

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF"

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....."

Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse
barcodes for serving suggestions.

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?'
Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse
d'oeuvres.

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead..
NO! NO NO NO!

Said to the Mrs these Tesco burgers given me terrible trots

To beef or not to beef.
That is equestrian

Is it a coincidence that HAMBURGERS is a anagram of ...SHERGARS BUM

[SVboy]

I gather there is so much evidence against Oscar Pestorious-he really doesnt have a leg to stand on....

[Banditbandit]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said; "I would like to come back as a cow".
I said; "you're obviously not listening".


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.


The wife was counting all the 5c's and 10c's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, "She's just going through the change.".


When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

[Swoop]

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.

[YellowDog]

The Pope and Titiwhai Harawera are on the same stage at Waitangi in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Titiwhai and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?
This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Titiwhai replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand?....Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!

[Swoop]

So the Pope has resigned due to 'advanced age'.

Well put.

We do live in an age that's too advanced for Popes.

[Swoop]

"Your driving is fucking terrible," I said to my wife.

"Oh come on!" She said, "It's not that bad."

I just shook my head as I took a deep breath, got out of the car and swam to the surface.






The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow.

Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.

[Jase H]

So Hollywood's Academy awards are coming up.
This year, I hear the Oscar's going to..... JAIL!

[Swoop]

I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 years and when he gets released... Bam! President of South Africa. That's how it works over there, right?


First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It"


She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.



When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?



New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.
Footprints.

[Goblin]

Short Storm Story








I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH A FRIEND WHO LIVES ON THE MAINE COAST NEAR THE
CANADIAN BORDER.

HE SAID THAT SINCE EARLY THIS MORNING THE SNOW IS NEARLY WAIST HIGH AND IS
STILL FALLING. THE TEMPERATURE IS DROPPING WAY BELOW ZERO
AND THE NORTHEAST WIND IS INCREASING TO NEAR GALE FORCE.

HIS WIFE HAS DONE NOTHING BUT LOOK THROUGH THE KITCHEN WINDOW AND JUST
STARE.

HE SAYS THAT IF IT GETS MUCH WORSE, HE MAY HAVE TO LET HER IN.

[DMNTD]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I cre...dit that approach for my obvious success.""Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!" Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

[DMNTD]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard... nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you."

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yes", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses" replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

The same people who named their Rottweiler "Jesus".

[Swoop]

South African police have installed state of the art technology outside the bail address of Oscar Pistorius to ensure he doesn't leave.

A cattle grid.

[DMNTD]

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

[nadroj]

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a London casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed.

The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Ascot that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.

In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.

In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her growler. He backed nothing.
After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4. 'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune?'
'Sh*t', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched!'

[nadroj]

A man invites his mate back home for dinner.

His wife screams at him,
"I've not done my hair,
Not done my makeup,
Not done any housework,
Not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking!
What did you invite him round for?"

He replies ....
"Cos he's thinking of getting married."

[Swoop]

"Woman Climbs Everest Twice In A Week"
That will teach her to leave her handbag at the summit.





"I got fired today", I told my mate, "for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."
"That's a bit harsh" he replied.
"They don't fuck around at Air Traffic Control", I said.

[DMNTD]

Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:



You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:



Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs



She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'



So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:



Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.



'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.



She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.



'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'



Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Swoop]

A Mullah was trying to convince a Catholic priest that Islam was best.
"When we die we get seventy two virgins in heaven," said the Mullah
"I've already had seventy two virgins," replied the priest.

[YellowDog]

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.'

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says: "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe..."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"'Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says, is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."

"'That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news?'"

"You're in the team for Tuesday."

[MSTRS]

"Hello, Men's Helpline - what's the problem mate?"
"I'm on holiday in Australia with my girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet... now her fanny has completely closed up!!"
"Bummer mate"
"Great idea!! Thanks mate!!"

[MSTRS]

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians.

Next day, the local Police Chief came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The Police Chief asked the old farmer "Oh God, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie".

[MSTRS]

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counsellor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal. The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well the counsellor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was the 'rhythm method'. "That will work" said the counsellor "if you keep a good record".

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills she said". Again he said "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them". He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was "The pail and saucer method". After a short delay, he again told her that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim still. Well the counsellor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied that she used the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied "The birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby".

He turns to the farm gal and said "I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method... now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?" She replied "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him".

[bogan]

Ha, the real joke is the expectation that politicians would use a bus :laugh:

http://static.stuff.co.nz/1303736498/414/4925414.jpg

[Maha]

''What do we want''?
''An end to to Touretts''!!
''When do we want it''?
''Cunt''!

[Swoop]

Before leaving for work this morning, my wife asked me to wash the dog.
The good news is, he smells great. The bad news is, the dogs dead and the washing machine's fucked.

[Stirts]

First Prince Phillip has a bladder infection.

And now the Queen is in hospital with a tummy bug.

Which proves one thing ... she swallows.

[Banditbandit]

First Prince Phillip has a bladder infection.

And now the Queen is in hospital with a tummy bug.

Which proves one thing ... she swallows.

:gob: The Queen .. and Phil the Greek .. Oral Sex !!!! What are ya? a republican? Lizzie's a good little middle class girl ... and the epitomy of our morals !!!

[Stirts]

:gob: The Queen .. and Phil the Greek .. Oral Sex !!!! What are ya? a republican? Lizzie's a good little middle class girl ... and the epitomy of our morals !!!

Yeah, she never minds the bollocks!!

<img src="http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3328/3409188874_87c0ccc86d.jpg"></img>

[Swoop]

I got pulled over by the police yesterday.

"Do you know why I've stopped you sir?"

I said "Listen mate I already pay your wage, I'm not doing your fuckin' job for you as well."

[Drew]

I was on an engineering forum today.

Was talking about 10mm bolts with a pitch of 1.5mm. Then some guy starts rabbiting on about 8x1.25mm bolts.

Turns out I was in the wrong thread.

[Daffyd]

Police raid a house of ill repute in McLaggan Street in Dunedin in the early 60's.

They burst in the front door where there's a chinese gent waiting in the hall. Cop pulls out his notebook and asks him his name. "Ting".

He bursts through the first door on the right, where there's another chinese gent in bed with a pro. Out comes the notebook again... "Name?"

"Ting".

"Hey, wait a minnit; The guy in the hall was Ting. Are you related?"

"Yes, he my brudda. He Wai Ting, I Woo Ting."

[Laava]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[Laava]

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

[Swoop]

The results of a survey out today say 63% of people say manners aren't as good as they used to be.
The other 37% told the researcher to fuck off.

[Banditbandit]

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"


Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

[MSTRS]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra- curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home... and left it there all night.

[MSTRS]

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did." responded his friend. ''He can't swim''.

[DMNTD]

Two Women were chatting in office..

Woman 1:"I had a fine evening, how was yours.. ??

Woman 2:"It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep.. How was yours.. ??

Woman 1:"Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner.. After dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house..It was like a fairy tale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work..

Husband 1:"How was your evening.. ??

Husband 2:"Great.. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep.
What about you ??

Husband 1:"It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour and when we got home i remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!!

[MSTRS]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks?" Paddy replied.

[Smokin]

A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

[DMNTD]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a
fatal car accident
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... For a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.




"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea of how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

[Swoop]

My porn star friend recently passed away.

As a mark of respect, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.

[Swoop]

Is it just me or would this papal election be far more interesting if they treated it like The Hunger Games?

[shafty]

Holy smoke!

[Banditbandit]

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune???

[DMNTD]

One friend said to the other, “What is a dilemma, actually?”

He replied, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.
Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.
Who are you going to turn your back on?

[crazyhorse]

A son asked his mother the following question:

' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her son and replies:

' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

' Dad why are wedding dresses white? '
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:


'Son, all household appliances come in white.'



(He'll be out of intensive care shortly)

[YellowDog]

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles
apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they
got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs,
restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that
Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better
than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship,
Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting
for their salad, Ed said,

"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a
little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next
stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life
changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I
play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat,
sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd
better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a
problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're
being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the
last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight
when you hit the ball."

[MSTRS]

A grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where her grandson was wading.

The water recedes and the boy is no longer there, he had been swept away.

The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries "Lord, my GOD, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I given to charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"

A voice booms from the sky "All right already!"

A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?" She responds "He had a hat".

[Stirts]

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The Father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your Mother if she'd have sex with the Mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the Mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of sluts."

[YellowDog]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[slofox]

A rugby league fan is drinking in a Lancashire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar. He announces that his wife has just given birth to a typical Lancashire baby boy. The baby weighs 25 pounds.


Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds. But the rugby fan just shrugs and replies:- “That's about average in Lancashire ... Like I said, my boy's a typical Lancashire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby player that lad.”


Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.


Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Here Mate…..aren't you the father of that typical Lancashire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?”


The proud father answers:- “Twenty pounds.”

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. “Eeeeh Mate…… What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!”


The Lancashireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's Bitter Beer………… Wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve………………….. Leans into the bartender and says quietly………………..

“We had him circumcised...”!!

[DMNTD]

The marriage of an 80-year-old man and a 20-year-old woman was the talk of the town.
After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'
The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you got to keep the old motor running.'
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: .....
Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. ... This one's black.

[MSTRS]

Scientists have revealed that sperm helps hair growth. That explains why some men have hairy knuckles, but it's got me wondering about my granny's moustache!!

[MSTRS]

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew... "These Idiots won't let me fart".

[Stirts]

Scientists have revealed that sperm helps hair growth. That explains why some men have hairy knuckles, but it's got me wondering about my granny's moustache!!

Your granny's moustache is the least of your worries...

[r rated]http://www.hairremoval4guys.com/images/Hirsutism_02.jpg[/r rated]

Not really R rated - more like [gag rated]

[YellowDog]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said.... 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'

[Juzz976]

husband asks wife "Why don't you let me know when you orgasm?"

Wife "I don't like to call you at work"

[Swoop]

I was shopping in south Auckland yesterday and there was a weird looking child running around like a lunatic.

I said to the bloke standing next to me, "that is one ugly fucking kid."

He looked at me and snarled, "do you mind, that's my son over there."

I smiled and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were his dad."

He said, "I'm not his dad. I'm his mother!" :crazy: